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Monika approaches me before the café opens, shoulders straight, eyes bright. "Sayori?"
"Hmm?"
"Can we use this layout next week?"
I can barely glance at the page, Monika's expression drawing in my eyes. How is she so pretty? "Um, sure, I guess. Why?"
"Valentine's Day. We're going to have lots of couples, so separating the tables like this will help everything run smoothly."
I smile. "Oh, that's a great plan! I should be better at planning this stuff, like you!"
Monika frowns, and I remember that her reaction to any compliment is rejection. A little like me, except I'm sure she actually has a good reason.
I lean closer to her. "Were you thinking about Valentine's Day for a particular reason, hmm?"
She fidgets and blushes. "No, no reason."
"Aww, that's too bad. I was hoping to have someone to go with."
Monika's blush deepens. "I don't really think it would be appropriate for me to go with you."
"How so?"
"We don't have to get into that right now, do we? What do you think Natsuki and Yuri are going to do?"
A distraction, but a very good one. "I think Yuri is going to sit around buying coffee 'til Natsuki's shift is done and then they're spending the evening in a manga café. It's so sweet!"
"It is," she coos. "So glad those two paired up."
But what about us? I silently voice. But I know better than to say that out loud.
Natsuki drifts closer to me over the course of our shift. She always likes company and conversation.
"You've been staring at Monika even more than usual today," she grumbles.
"Ah, can you really blame me?"
"I can. She's not that cute."
"Maybe," I admit. "But I was talking to her yesterday, and she got about as close to 'no' as she could without saying the word, so I'm pining a bit much today."
"You gotta pin her down one of these days."
I squirm and look away from Natsuki.
Natsuki sighs. "Not like that, get your head out of the gutter. I mean, get a yes or no, or at least a reason out of her. You're just wasting time with these ‘will they/won't they’ bits of bullshit."
"I know, I know. It's just- it's rough, you know. I told her about," my voice drops to a whisper, "my depression, so when she does reject me, it's going to be such a pity party that I might just explode."
"She's gotta have a reason to draw this out. You're just going to have to get it out of her and judge for yourself."
"I guess. Aw geez, I'm so worried!"
"Trust me, she ain't going to get mad. Just get the truth."
The shop takes on an entirely different mood at night. The lights fight with the dark for territory, and it isn't like they're winning. They're only there for atmosphere, and if they flickered for even a moment, it'd be like something out of a horror movie.
They never flicker. Monika's perpetual half-smile doesn't waver either, still visible in the half-light, the mask up even after the crowd has left. That mask conceals the attitude of a semi-confident student. Which is, of course, another mask. Underneath that, I'm not sure what I'd find. An unrepentant monster, preparing to strike again? A misunderstood victim who I could struggle to understand? I hope I can stand by her no matter what.
"Monika?"
"Hm?"
She's illuminated by the lights from the front, with nothing but shadows behind her, making her look more real than anything else.
"Can we talk?" I ask.
"Certainly. About what?"
"Whenever I try to hint that I want to date you, you kinda try to nudge me away. I know you're trying to be gentle with me, but it's worse if you leave me wondering. So please, can I get a straight answer?"
Monika blinks. "You don't know who I am. You wouldn't want me if you knew."
"Tell me then."
"I'm not- it's a complicated story."
"I'll listen, I promise."
The mask finally drops. Hope, or something like it, is what I see on her face. "Okay. I guess the story starts when I went to college. Before, my parents wanted me to be a studious type, but I pulled away from those habits when I got here. I'm not sure if I started rebelling because I thought I should, or if I actually needed to get away from everything. Either way, this rebellion took two forms. One was a boyfriend, the quiet and dedicated type. The other was going to every party I heard about."
"Mostly, these things didn't interact with each other or my school work. My boyfriend wasn't the party type and I'm good at managing my time. But one night-"
Monika coughs. "Jeez, this is really dramatic sounding. You still with me?"
My grip on the back of a chair is tight. "Yeah. This is just more than you've ever told me before. I'm trying to remember it all. Since it's so important."
Monika lets a smile show on her face. "That's good. Thank you for that. Anyway, I went to a party. It was pretty wild, I took some pills from someone I didn't know. Probably E, that is, ecstasy I mean. I was probably still high when I got back. Through the haze, I thought it was a good idea to dose him with what I had left. Make our fun times a little more fun." Monika looks nauseous. "He tasted it and freaked. I didn't have an excuse. Still don't. He left and tried to get the law involved. He got far enough that my parents heard."
"My parents had never been the lovey-dovey type. They had expectations, and I met them. Very business-like. I didn't expect anything else. College, I imagined, was going to be them checking on my grades every once in a while and nothing else. What happened was different. As soon as they heard I was in trouble, they showed up with advice, lawyers, and love." She says the word with more hate than I've ever heard from her.
I tilt my head. "I don't get it. They heard you were in trouble and came to your rescue."
"They didn't even know if I did it. I don't think they even cared. They saw I was like them, already a monster, and found they liked me better that way."
"Still, isn't that real love? Finding a way to care, even if you've done something wrong?"
Monika's expression shifts. "Real love is about improvement, about becoming your best self. I can't accept something that encourages bad habits."
"Even if it keeps you off rock bottom?"
Monika gives me a shaky smile and rubs the side of her neck. "I was never anywhere close to there. Should I continue?"
I nod.
"I didn't reject all of their help. Prison is an atrocity, even if I was truly guilty. I got three weeks of community service, and I've been volunteering ever since. And I stay away from relationships. I know I can't be trusted. So, even though I like you and think you would be good for me, I would not be good for you. Sorry."
"Do you really think you'd hurt me on purpose?" I ask.
"I've hurt other people I loved. I could do the same to you."
"Why haven't you? You've had plenty of chances."
"If you get closer to me, it'll be inevitable." She says it so confidently I almost think she's right for a second. But only for a second.
"I don't think that's true. You control your own actions, don't you?"
"I guess. Where's this going?"
"If you really love me, you won't hurt me, right?"
"I can't guarantee anything."
I lean towards her. "Do you even truly love me if you think you'd hurt me so casually?"
"Sayori," Monika whines, drawing out every syllable. "I hurt people. I have to protect you."
"I have to help you be your best self, like you said. The only way I can get close enough to tell is if I'm close enough for you to hurt."
"Sayori. Please."
I do my best to keep looking at her. "It'd be super easy to hurt me, wouldn't it? I wouldn't complain. If you drugged me or lied to me I'd just assume you knew best."
"Sayori, why are you saying this?"
"But you would know, wouldn't you? The guilt would tear you apart."
Monika wrings her hands. "You don't have to do this."
"I've already done it," I tell her, some strange energy filling my voice. "There isn't something magical about saying we're girlfriends that makes this happen. I'm the easiest target, you know that for sure now. I'll call you out if you hurt someone else. You'll prove you love me by not taking advantage of me."
"Don't put yourself in danger to fix me."
"All you have to do is make me believe you're a bad person."
"Didn't you hear what I said? I nearly raped my boyfriend!"
"Nearly," I repeat, the word so different in my voice and tone. "And you were under the influence of unknown chemicals. I'm pretty sure you aren't going to make that mistake again."
"No. No more party drugs for me."
"One mistake doesn't make you a bad person. We all deserve another chance."
"You don't need to be the one who risks me."
"I want to."
Monika drags her fingers across the table. "I suppose that settles it then. We'll do our best with each other. Forgive me if I get weird about it?"
"Only if you forgive my rainclouds."
"That's fine. The sunshine makes it worth it."
"Can I kiss you?" I ask.
"Go ahead."
Left cheek, right cheek, kisses along her jawline. Monika lets out a shuddering breath, finally revealing the magnitude of her interest.
I look her in the eyes. "You can kiss me too."
It feels like ages before Monika listens to me, and she's so slow and careful it'll drive me mad. I simplify the issue by knocking over the table between us and clinging to Monika like a second skin.
"Whoa," she says, already out of breath.
"I've been waiting for this for a while."
Her fingers glide across my back. "I don't mind you being forward. I can't be wrong if you're making the first move. Be gentle with me, okay?"
"We'll be careful with each other. I promise I won't let you fall, not to the world and not to yourself."
"I'm only allowed to fall for you."
"Yeah," I say, unable to keep a smile off my face. "Exactly."