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Valentine's Day had arrived and all of Hogwarts was losing their minds over it.
“What do you think the boys will do?”
“I hope Scott gives me some great flowers!”
“Gosh, I want to get to third grade so we can go to Hogsmeade and have fun today…”
“I haven't bought Elizabeth the chocolates yet!”
Things like that could be heard all over the school, and they were just on their way to the Great Hall. This was going to be a long day, too long . Dazai sighed, what followed was going to be great and infinite misery...
“Dazai, it looks like you got run over by a unicorn.”
“Thanks for the reminder, Ron.”
It seemed that the ginger hadn't liked that answer. Because the brown-haired boy could feel his friend's annoying gaze on him. He just shrugged, he didn't have enough energy to go through all this right now. Ron noticed this and relaxed his expression.
“Hey, is something wrong?”
“As usual, as a demon student I have to sleep with one eye open~.”
"...Dazai..."
"Oh look! "We're here," Dazai said quickly, hoping Ron would drop the subject once and for all. He didn't want to have to explain his disdain for that day. “Okay, I'll go to the Slytherin table, see you Ron~.”
And without saying more, he snuck to the table where the colors black and green reigned. It was a relief and a pleasant surprise for him to see how Blaise had sat at the end closest to the main door of the Great Hall, thanks to that he could now go more unnoticed among the crowd of Slytherins who hated him to death.
“Blaise!” He greeted the brunette happily, a smile from ear to ear on his face. Things were better when he had him by his side. “How is my favorite subordinate?”
“Dazai,” the other boy greeted back. “I thought you weren't going to make it to breakfast, again.”
The brunette let out a surprised gasp. “I always come to breakfast! You offend me."
“Sure…” Blaise shrugged slightly, earning an annoyed pout from the brunette boy at the refusal to believe him. “It's a pretty busy day, isn't it?”
"Hey? Oh, uhm… Yes…” Dazai nodded, a bit of the joy fading at hearing his friend.
He had his own reasons to hate that day, okay? For as long as he could remember it had not been a good day for him. What he could remember from the first years of his life was how his father told him over and over again that the day was an absolute waste. If he caught him having something regarding the day in his hands or mentioning it, he was punished because 'In the Port Mafia there was no place for such nonsense.' Years later Dazai didn't make that same absurd mistake again, but now Mori had been taking care of him. The man himself seemed to also consider this holiday ridiculous, but he did not exempt him from turning it into a day where he spent his time adoring Elise, buying her heart-shaped sweets, dresses themed for the day, and much more. He usually made him wear those dresses too so that 'it was consistent with the clothing'.
In conclusion, Valentine's Day was a terrible day and Dazai hated it with all his being.
Breakfast passed calmly enough.. As expected, two minutes after the blindfolded man arrived, the Slytherins became aware of his presence and everyone (including Draco) crowded at the opposite end of the table. Not that he minded, it just meant more space to sit without having to be attached to complete strangers to him.
Near the end of that meal the owls arrived as usual. The boy didn't pay much attention to this fact, because Mori usually sent him the owls when there was no one around, or at least not enough people to snoop on the contents of the letter. He continued playing with his food, the Yorkshire pudding looked much more fun than any scream of excitement from some girl receiving a gift from her boyfriend right now.
The world had other plans, it seemed. As he was about to finally try to eat his breakfast, an owl landed on his hand. Confused, he dropped the spoon he was holding in order to hold the letter the animal was offering him. For a moment the possibility passed that it was from some random person who wanted to make a joke…
When he read the name on the back of the letter, which said 'Dr. Mori Ougai', he felt foolish. Obviously it was going to be a letter from that ugly old man. It was even decorated with a pale pink envelope and a red heart-shaped wax seal. It didn't take long for the boy to get sick. It was expected behavior from Mori, but he still gave him chills. There was something truly strange about all of this, though.
Mori had sent him a letter, yes, but it was in the middle of breakfast time in the Great Hall. This was unusual behavior on his part, almost as if he wanted him to open that envelope in the middle of so many people. This couldn't be a good thing, the brunette knew that man enough to know that if he wanted to do that to him, it was because something was hidden in that letter... Or because he wanted to embarrass him, either option worked. He frowned at him, he hated it when he did that, and he didn't want to give him the pleasure of that happening.
A snort escaped his lips and he quickly got up from his seat to leave the place. He noticed eyes on him, but was unable to notice the penetrating look the potions professor was giving him.
Once out of that place. His curious gaze turned to the letter in his hand. The uneasy feeling about that piece of paper continued to grow, and he didn't like it at all. He clicked his tongue and headed to the Room of Requirements to have a safe place where he could peacefully deal with whatever Mori wanted from him right now.
He got lost, as expected.
He wandered for a while, but he hated to admit the fact that his head was in such a mess, that at some point he turned in the wrong direction and noticed it too late. He was now lost somewhere in Hogwarts. A groan of annoyance left his lips. He hated when this happened. The situation only fueled further concern.
He finally gave up on finding the room; in any case, he didn't look like anyone was going to pass by at that moment, so he decided to sit on the floor, looking at that letter again. He didn't have anything out of the ordinary, the only unusual thing might be the envelope and the wax seal, but that was also expected of Mori. What was it that was setting his nerves so hard then? It didn't make any sense. His fingers drummed on his leg for a few seconds of pure silence. This was stupid, it was a simple letter like the others, he would open it and that's it.
He took a deep breath, before reaching for his knife to open the letter. He remembered belatedly that since last year he had given it to Blaise. An annoyed pout appeared on his lips, but he didn't let that stop him, so he set about simply tearing the top of the envelope open. It wasn't difficult, although his body froze for a moment, not allowing him to continue when he saw part of the contents of the letter peek out. He could see the usual paper, but also a photograph. Why a photograph? What did he want now? Why did he have an even bigger bad feeling about all this?
It took him a couple of minutes to get out of his static position and start moving his hands. He took out the contents of the envelope. The paper was ahead of the photograph, so he could delay that a little longer, but the mere content of it made his heart stop for a second.
❝ Happy Valentine's Day, Dazai-kun! I found this while he was organizing some papers. It feels like it's been a long time since we first met. We saw each other as father and son, you were a sweetheart at that time. ❞
Dazai knew perfectly well what must be behind that piece of paper, and very much against his will, he exchanged the positions of the objects.
As he anticipated, in the photograph he was about 10 or 9 years old standing next to the sender of the letter. He looked the same as always with that white coat and an unpleasant smile on his face. Elise was nowhere to be seen. Instead, next to him, was Dazai Osamu. He was wearing the characteristic dress that that girl used to wear, a lost look on his face, his eyes almost seemed to glow red. A hand settled in his hair, which was dull and falling downwards.
Look like Mori's.
Posture like Mori's.
Hair like Mori's.
He really looked too much like Mori at that moment. Shit.
The first symptoms of the panic attack were almost subtle. His breathing began to alter, his heart rate gradually increased. His body seemed to stiffen with each passing second. Bump Bump. His heart roared in his ears. He couldn't take his eyes off the photograph before him. Bump Bump. The photograph moved.
Bump Bump.
The world became confusing. He couldn't hear. He couldn't see. The clothes were suddenly too itchy. He felt too tight. Too exposed. He wanted to hide, he needed to hide. The world was too much for him right now. He could barely breathe.
He didn't know at what point he had let go of the photograph and his body had shrunk in on itself. He had curled up on the floor. He had fallen to his left side and his hands had gone to his hair, holding it tightly; he wanted to tear it out, he wanted to scream until his throat gave out no more. He wanted to disappear. His face felt wet. He couldn't understand what was happening. It was all too confusing to process. His face felt even wetter. He wanted to die.
He felt his mouth move, why was it moving? He did not know. It was confusing. He hated when everything was confusing because his brain couldn't tell him what was happening. He hated it, he hated himself. It took him a while to realize what he was saying.
“No, no, no, no, no… Help, help- I don't want, I don't want, I don't want, I don't want…”
Words like that came out of his lips uncontrollably. It was the only thing he could utter, the only thing that made sense to him. A desperate call for help. He felt pathetic. He was pathetic.
His hands had begun to pull hard. He needed to pull his hair out. He couldn't leave it... He couldn't, he didn't want to look like Mori. But at the same time… He knew it, he knew it for a long time. He knew he was his image, that he was letting him mold him into his shape, he wasn't doing anything against it. He would soon become another puppet for the doctor.
A muffled, painful, manic laugh left his lips. He was a fool, he really was. Acting as if he hadn't known for a long time that this was his destiny. Acting like a weak jerk. He pulled his hair even harder.
He thought he heard a voice nearby, he couldn't understand what it was saying. That made him feel even more exposed. His abdomen hurt because he had tried to bring his legs together as much as possible against his chest, but if he didn't... he was going to feel so exposed.
“I TOLD YOU TO STOP IGNORING ME!”
He felt another hand pulling his hair, forcing him from the position he was in. His mouth opened in a silent scream that died as soon as it was born. Fear had paralyzed him to a point where not even screams could come out of his mouth. He had to run, he had to scream. It was Mori, right? He knew it, of course, it was always him, this time was not going to be different.
“Hey… What the hell with you? You look pathetic right now. You are disgusting.”
Those words resonated strongly in his head. Those were not Mori's words, although he certainly used to treat him with contempt, that vocabulary was not like him. That helped him reconnect a little to reality, who was that person? What was happening? He blinked to try to clear his vision so he could see what was happening. At some point the tremor that ran through his body increased. This was not good.
Pansy's figure crossed his field of vision. Great, what he needed. Pansy of all people.
“Pff- Crying? Truly a demon like you… Surely you are only doing this so that others will try to lower their guard with you, but you know what? I'm not going to fall for this. You make me sick, you are someone disgusting and you should die.”
Dagger after dagger. There really wasn't any mercy in her voice. Dazai couldn't be surprised by this. Usually something like this wouldn't matter to him, but right now every word only made his body tremble more. His vision blurred again. His face was even wetter.
“Are you still crying? Your poor man's story won't work on me, demon. You shouldn't have returned to Hogwarts, you shouldn't have even entered Slytherin. You are a disgrace to wizards. Everyone should see how pathetic you are right now and how pitiful you are trying to get others to pay you even a modicum of attention.”
More shaking, more humidity. His body was paralyzed and unable to move, he felt like a rag doll at that moment. He could swear a strange sound left his lips, a sob? What was it?
“Your ‘no’s aren’t going to do anything right now… Just wait until I show everyone what you really are.” There was a pause in the girl's cruel words, after that, Dazai felt a hand on his arm, playing with the bandages on his arm near his wrists. “Surely these are also for fun, should I remove them, and thus prove once and for all that you are nothing more than a fake?”
Adrenaline coursed through the brunette's body. He could feel how the girl began to remove the bandage from his arm. No, no, she couldn't… She couldn't…
A piercing scream of pure panic had left the boy's lips. His body began to move and shake in panic to look for some way out. Without the bandages he would be more exposed, he didn’t want to , he didn't want to be more exposed. A new scream echoed through the hallway. He felt something wet and hot on his right hand, a scream that did not belong to him could be heard. Blaise, Draco, someone…
“Hey, let him go this instant!”
A new voice, who was this new person this time?
His body was dropped to the floor abruptly. Dazai groaned in pain as his paralyzed body could do nothing but roll over until he was face down. He had now identified what was falling down his face, they were tears, and they were not few; thousands of tears were falling down his face without him being able to do anything about it.
Someone new had arrived, he didn't know who it was, this was bad. He heard screams that were incomprehensible to him, before the ground vibrated beneath him as if someone was stomping away, then nothing. He couldn't hear anything but his heartbeat for a long moment. Someone crouched next to him afterwards, was it him now?
“Sir Dazai…”
Dazai? Mori didn't call him Dazai, much less sir...
Dazai couldn't identify who it was. His head was spinning, his heart rate was an absolute disaster.
As his vision turned dark and his body was turned onto his back, he swore he saw a head of hair like Mori's, but for some reason, the brief details of his face that flashed through gave him some relief.
-
His head hurt like hell when he woke up, his abdomen and chest too.
What the hell had happened?
He tried to reconstruct the events in his head one by one. First thing... he was having breakfast in the Great Hall, Valentine's Day, right. The owls arrived... And with them came the mail, Mori had sent him a letter. This was strange since Mori never sent letters at that time, so he left the Great Hall… And oh.
He already remembered the rest.
His cheeks turned a deep red from the shame of remembering such a pathetic event. He had acted like a complete idiot because of Mori's letter… And after that Pansy had seen it. He couldn't remember or say who the third person was.
After putting the pieces of that day's events back into place, he began to look around. No more than 10 seconds later he could tell that it was the infirmary and it was probably getting dark, right. This had to be the work of the third person, because even as a joke Pansy wouldn't have brought him there. He lifted his right sleeve, it looked darker than usual, somewhat reddish. It was blood… He must have punched Pansy in the nose or something. He wasn't ashamed to admit that a smile spread across his face at that.
He heard footsteps nearby, he tensed slightly, but then forced his body to relax. Through the door of the infirmary, the one who entered was not Pomfrey, but Snape. What was he doing there? Had someone told him that he was in the infirmary?
“You're finally waking up… You gave me a big scare, brat. “You were unconscious most of the day.”
He had guessed right then.
“Wah~! Were you worried about me? I knew I would be able to gain space in that black heart.~”
"Mr. Dazai." The younger boy closed his mouth instantly, that tone felt harsher than before. “...I won't reprimand you for breaking Miss Pansy's nose, but I need you to explain to me what this is.”
Oh, so he had broken her nose. He allowed himself a momentary happiness, before his eyes settled on what Snape was holding out to him. His entire body froze, that had been the image Mori sent him.
“That…” Dazai was silent for a second, the words not coming out. “Just Mori being stupid, nothing new.”
The older man stared at him for a second, his gaze said nothing, neither did his body language. This made Dazai uneasy. He didn't want the adult to look at him like that. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, Snape spoke.
“Do you want me to help you with your hair?”
His brain could have calculated all the possible answers he imagined the potions teacher could have given him. This was definitely not one of them.
"My hair?"
“Don't make me repeat it. If you want help, come closer.”
Dazai wanted to protest immediately, he didn't need help, not from Snape. He didn't need a change in appearance, he didn't need any of that, because Mori just wanted to annoy him. He shouldn't be affected by that...
And yet, still... He found himself moving closer to the head of Slytherin house. He made a noise of agreement, before raising his hands to bring them closer to Dazai's hair. Much to the younger's chagrin, the older seemed to want to do things so that the brunette could always see the movements of the adult's hands. It was disgusting. Although the most disgusting thing was how his chest felt warm from it.
“You keep causing problems, you know? Although Pansy is not immune either... I sent her to detention immediately. She's going to have to meet me after our last hour of Potions on Thursday."
“Pansy is just annoying, she doesn't seem to have anything better to do with her life really…”
“Look who says it, you always look for problems.”
"It's different!"
“It's not, and you know it.”
A pout appeared on the minor's face. He wanted to reply but the older man was right. Even so, he didn't take long to answer, being the usual brat when it came to the eldest. Things had become different when it was him.
Even though he teased him and the teacher scolded and reprimanded him, things were very different now. He could feel relatively calm when the adult was next to him, and he knew that for some strange reason he could count on him to believe him when things seemed to be against him, like now with the whole basilisk thing.
Things had changed between them since they met. Dazai didn't know how to feel about it when he thought about it. He was scary, was he getting soft, like Mori said? Disgusting, he shouldn't…
He shouldn't...
“Well, what do you think, brat?”
“...Disgusting, I look horrible,” Dazai replied, his eyes never leaving the mirror's reflection of his hair.
It was still similar to how he wore it before, but now it was less saggy, even fluffier. His hair on the right side was now tied behind his ear. The back of it was tied into a half tail. It didn't look anything like that photo. He didn't look more like Mori.
"You're smiling."
"Of course not."
A sigh from the eldest. Dazai's smile widened.
“And you're still the same brat as always…”
“It's my essence, isn't it?”
Maybe Valentine's Day wasn't so bad now.
