Chapter 1
Notes:
Nishiya 💔 playlist (inspired by all my stories)
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1T1eAITwMJY1mBZMrJDCtu?si=B-JGaT66Rf6zVRNay5aI7g&pi=u-DAQB2GJ0TSyf
Chapter Text
Chapter 1
Yeah, so maybe Niragi Suguru does want to change himself and be a better person, but that shit is fucking hard. He doesn’t know why he feels even scummier than he did before that meteorite hit Shibuya and stopped his heart for two minutes, but maybe he just realized he was more of an asshole than he originally thought, and he already thought he was a pretty giant dick to begin with.
His jello cup squirts out artificial strawberry goop as he holds it in his hand, squeezing it too tight because he’s irritated– feeling like he’s missing something vital, but he doesn’t know what.
The man eating dinner in the hospital bed– yeah, he’s still in the fucking hospital– beside him laughs gently and Niragi turns over at him to glare at that stupidly pretty face looking incredibly amused by him. “What the fuck is your problem?”
“You seem to have personal issues with that jello cup. Should I be concerned that you’re going to strangle me next?”
“I could literally care less if you die over there,” Niragi huffs, because he doesn’t have personal issues with Chishiya Shuntaro, and he doesn’t know why the name makes him want to punch that perfect face in– don’t even get him started on the man’s annoying fucking eyes. He just thinks the guy is irritating, and it doesn’t mean anything that he gets serious deja vu every time they look at each other. It doesn’t mean anything that he just feels fucking weird now…but he’s guessing dying for two minutes fucks with a person.
Niragi touches the right side of his face, all bandaged up and hiding how disgusting he is now. He never really thought he was appealing to look at before, and now he’s a fucking monster…but he still doesn’t understand why he thinks he deserves this.
He’s not a nice guy. He has anger issues and no one likes him at work because he’s not a team player. He takes girls out on dates and sleeps with them, but never calls them back even when they always fall for him– it has nothing to do with the fact that he doesn’t like wo– he’s not going to go down that rabbit hole again. He doesn’t have any friends and he doesn’t even have a relationship with his parents. He treats everyone meanly, because who the hell ever gave him any respect? It’s better to be crueler; it’s better to be tougher. It’s better to be the biggest asshole in the room, so no one tries to fuck with you.
He still doesn’t think he’s done anything to get half his face burned, but something in his gut makes him feel really sick. He thinks he hates himself even more than he did before.
“Are you going to that support group?”
“Why the fuck would I do that? I don’t need to talk to other people about getting buried under rubble.”
“Don’t you think it’s strange that everyone who survived had their hearts stop?” Chishiya asks, but doesn’t really sound like he actually cares, and Niragi wonders why he even went to the meeting last week when he’s so obviously antisocial.
“I mean yeah, but there’s also not a lot of evidence for what happens if you get fucking blasted by a meteor. Maybe you should’ve done your PhD in that, doctor,” Niragi wipes jello off his hand angrily, because the man does have a point. It’s goddamn spooky that the same thing happened to everyone.
“Well I’m going,” Chishiya says, and gets out of bed awkwardly with his cast on and his foot thumps on the ground with a sound that means it clearly must have hurt. Chishiya grabs his crutches and makes his way out of the room, but stops in the doorway and turns his head to meet Niragi’s eyes, “You said you wanted to change. Learning how to be around people without being an absolute dick is the first step.”
“you would know,” Niragi grumbles, because he knows that Chishiya is right. He thinks the two of them are far too alike than he wants to admit, and he doesn’t like someone he just met thinking that they understand him.
Chishiya leaves and Niragi expected to be poked and prodded a bit more by the man’s patronizing words. He lets out some sort of inhuman angry noise as he gets out of the bed and stomps over towards the door. The man is already down the hall, moving far too fast for being on crutches and Niragi is out of breath with the exertion to fall into step beside him. He thinks his exhaustion is justified; he’s been set on fire under a pile of rubble– almost all of his right side from face to waist burnt.
“I’m not here to make friends,” Niragi says to Chishiya, hoping the man knows that that applies to him too.
“I don’t think you’re capable of it anyways,” Chishiya grins and Niragi thinks he’d like to shoot the guy in the face. He’s never touched a gun in his life, but he just knows he wouldn’t miss. He can practically smell the gun powder, and it’s a completely foreign yet familiar sensory experience. “You’re not the only one.”
“The only what?” Niragi asks, breaking from another wave of deja vu.
“The only one who feels like we’re missing memories, like we’ve lived another life,” Chishiya isn’t looking at Niragi, but it’s obvious that he’s relieved to not be alone in this. Why else would Chishiya be vulnerable and go to these meetings when it’s clear he’d rather not be around people if he doesn’t have to be?
“Playing nice with all these people isn’t going to absolve anything you’re trying to run from,” Niragi says, and the man smirks.
“Are you talking to me or yourself?”
“I’m at peace with my sins,” Niragi doesn’t want to say that he doesn’t even know why he thinks he deserved to die in the disaster. “Are you?”
“I never really cared about anything I’ve done, but I want to think that I should now,” Chishiya answers, “Do you value your life?”
“That’s a stupid fucking question,” Niragi licks his lips nervously, because he already knows that Chishiya knows he doesn’t. He thinks his abusive parents and high school bullies destroyed any ounce of self worth within him, and no matter what he tried to just become a person, it never worked. It was just easier to be a piece of shit like everyone told him he was. He’s not going to say any of that as he glances over at Chishiya, “It’s not my fault you’re a shitty doctor with blood on your hands. If you want to value life, then don’t worry about mine.”
Chishiya smirks, and huffs in amusement, “You’re more perceptive than one would think, hidden beneath that bad boy airhead persona.”
“It’s not difficult to notice things when you’re acting against your nature.”
“And what is my nature?” Chishiya asks, crutches clicking on the floor at each step.
“You don’t have a single empathic bone in your body– not even for yourself,” Niragi starts, “When you talk about your injuries, it’s like you’re not even acknowledging that it's you that’s been hurt, that it’s you that almost died. And when you talk about others it’s almost like you’re talking about fictional characters. You don’t seem to comprehend that they’re real people with feelings. I’d like to think you had absent parents and it can’t help that you’re in a profession where you have to deal with death. It’s just easier to be detached, and you’ve been doing it for so long that you don’t know how to feel. I think you’re only going to these meetings because you want to teach yourself how to actually be a person with feelings and have compassion for others pain.”
“Is that all?” Chishiya looks over at him with a wide grin, clearly extremely entertained by Niragi. “I can’t say you’re wrong, and maybe my motivations for these meetings are selfish, but aren’t all humans? At least mine is in attempt to gain empathy.”
“Yeah, but it’s not because you care about people, or want to care. It doesn’t matter how much you try to be like a normal person, I bet you wouldn’t jump in front of a bullet to save someone,” Niragi doesn’t quite believe it when he says it, but it doesn’t change his belief that Chishiya is only doing this for himself and not to help others. “You’d be at a disadvantage to have empathy in your job.”
“Can’t I have a little fun?” Chishiya huffs, “You hated your life before too. At least I’m trying to change mine for the better.”
“You don’t know anything about me,” Niragi feels defensive, even if the only things they know about each other are simple things like their ages and professions.
“Poor, sweet Niragi got corrupted by the world. Bad home life? Bad social life? Both?” Chishiya sounds a bit mocking and it makes Niragi fizzle with anger, “If the world hurts you, then you hurt it, right? You’ve never given happiness a chance and it’s twisted you up, but you like that, don’t you? If you're everything worth hating, then it justifies your fear and unwillingness to change. You're just afraid to live. Don’t you want to change, Niragi?”
“Fuck you,” Niragi spits out, because he hates that Chishiya has a perfect read on him, but at least he was right about the man too. “I can’t wait until I’m discharged from this fucking hospital and never have to hear your monotone fucking voice aga–”
“Chishiya!”
Niragi turns and sets his focus on a young woman, tall and thin with a mass of dreadlocks on her head. She’s practically running up to them in excitement and he wonders why the hell she’s so excited to see Chishiya.
“Hello, Kuina,” Chishiya says with a smirk, but something about it feels warmer than the ones that Niragi gets and that pisses him off. “This is my roommate.”
“Niragi Suguru,” he says, and really doesn’t enjoy the way she seems to dislike him immediately. He doesn’t know what the hell he’s ever done to her and maybe he took her out on a date or something. He never really remembers the women he hooks up with, too many to count. “So what the fuck do you even do here?”
“It’s a support group,” Kuina looks at him like he’s dumb and he wants to bash her head against a wall.
“We build camaraderie,” Chishiya adds and Niragi thinks this entire thing is bullshit because someone like Chishiya isn’t capable of that, just like him.
“So you hold hands and make friendship bracelets? Sing fucking songs and hug?”
Kuina giggles and shakes her head, “You’re a total asshole. I don’t think anyone will want to hold your hand.”
Niragi immediately feels defensive, because is she pointing out that he’s burned? Does she not want to touch him because he’s uglier than he was before?
“It has nothing to do with the way you look,” Chishiya takes him from his thoughts. “You’re just a jerk.”
He wonders how the hell Chishiya knew what he was thinking, but it’s probably because the man is so perceptive too.
“I don’t judge people on the way they look,” Kuina says, and something tells Niragi that there’s more to that than she’s saying. “I judge people on their character.”
“Yeah, well most people just suck,” Niragi grumbles under his breath that smells of disgusting artificial strawberry jello.
“Wow, you’re moody,” Kuina laughs, and she grabs his hand, startling him because he rarely enjoys touch unless it’s between the sheets– but he doesn’t even really enjoy that to begin with either. “Come meet everyone else.”
There’s around fifty people here and Niragi really doesn’t want to meet everyone at all, but when she pulls him towards a small group his anxieties are alleviated a bit because at least he doesn’t have to talk to too many many people.
“I’ve brought another initiate to our cult,” Kuina says, and Niragi’s face scrunches up in confusion as she drags him towards other people, “Well, Chishiya did.”
“It’s not a cult,” a man with shaggy black hair shakes his head with an amused smile.
“We all know each other, but don’t. That’s supernatural,” Kuina says, stopping with Niragi once they reach the group. “I still think it connected us somehow.”
“That still doesn’t make us a cult,” a woman with a straight black bob says, and Niragi thinks she looks seriously beat up as she sits in a wheelchair, and she’s not the only one, as he notices an incredibly young woman with a missing leg as she also sits in another wheelchair. She can’t be more than eighteen, and Niragi actually feels bad for her.
“Then I don’t know,” Kuina lets go of him to cross her arms in annoyance, “We were supposed to find each other, all right?”
“So I’d say more fate than a cult,” a quite tiny woman with round eyes says, and Niragi doesn’t know why he feels like throwing up when he’s looking at her, but he’s seriously queasy.
“Well whatever, this is Niragi Suguru.”
He’s not really surprised to find that they seem hesitant of him, and the woman who makes him feel like he’s going to get sick everywhere seems to seriously be afraid of him as she steps a bit behind the shaggy haired guy.
“Hey…” Niragi says awkwardly, licking his lips, and Chishiya steps beside him– their arms brushing– and it makes him want to push the idiot away from him, nevermind that his skin tingles at the simple touch.
It’s silent for an uncomfortable amount of time, but then finally someone speaks and it seems to break the tension. “I’m Aguni Morizono.”
The man is intimidating even being supported by crutches, with a big build, muscled arms and wide shoulders. His head is shaved and he has a scar down his left eye that seriously looks badass. It reminds Niragi of military and he doesn’t think you’d want to mess with this guy. He already has a strange sort of respect for the man which is weird as fuck because he doesn’t like anyone.
“I’m An Rizuna,” the woman with the pristine cut bob speaks next, and it has Niragi wondering how her hair looks so perfect here. He knows his is a tangled fucking mess. Ann seems stern and tough, even with her pretty face, and she doesn’t seem like she puts up with bullshit. He wonders if she ever smiles.
“Heiya Akane,” the young woman says, and she’s cute with her long black hair and soft features, round eyes and lightly tanned skin. He wonders how she feels about her leg, and maybe he got lucky getting burned, but at least she’s still beautiful.
“Arisu Ryohei.” It’s clear that the man with the shaggy hair doesn’t seem to like him, and Niragi can’t help thinking that the man is justified, even if they’ve never met before.
Arisu’s posture is pretty shit and if he stood up properly then Niragi thinks they might be the same height. He seems to be protectively in front of the short woman beside him and the guy is scrawny, but honestly Niragi just has this feeling that he could pack a punch.
“Usagi Yuzuha.” The woman says slowly, and she peers up at him with wide eyes, like he’s some fucking predator or something that’s going to hurt her. He might be a fucking asshole, but he doesn’t like, actually physically hurt people.
Usagi is tiny, but he still has a feeling that she's capable of a lot, and he doesn’t think she should be underestimated. Her hair is cut short, but it’s choppy and thick and frames her face well. He doesn’t have really much more to say about anyone other than the fact that this just feels weird.
Niragi feels like he knows all of them, but he doesn’t know who they are and why he thinks they all have a story that’s intertwined with his…except Heiya really. He doesn’t know who the fuck she is.
“It’s nice to meet you all,” Niragi doesn’t particularly think it’s nice to meet any of them, but maybe Chishiya is right and this is the first step to changing, and he hates that he admits the man is right. He’ll never tell Chishiya that.
“Tell us about yourself, Niragi,” Ann says, and it makes him nervous because he doesn’t like to talk about himself.
“I’m a game engineer.”
“Anything else?” Ann raises an eyebrow at him, like he’s done something wrong.
“No.”
“Oh my god, you have less social skills than Chishiya,” Heiya laughs at him and he wants to push her off a bridge.
“I don’t know what the hell you want from me. I don’t have anything to talk about. My life is–“
“Unfulfilling?” Arisu says.
“Meaningless?” Usagi adds.
“Boring?” Heiya finishes.
Niragi doesn’t answer because he doesn’t like that they all know these things about him, and he doesn’t like that they all seem to think the same way about their own lives– in at least one of these ways. He doesn’t like having things in common with people, because none of them know his life; they don’t know what he’s been through.
“I like to think we survived because we wanted to change our lives for the better,” Kuina says, biting her lip because it sounds a bit ridiculous to say out loud. It was all luck and the first responders who brought them back to life.
“That sounds fucking stupid,” Niragi says, licking his lips, and watches as everyone rolls their eyes at him, like they’re already so done with him. It just pisses him off and he could just storm off and call them all pieces of shit, but he’s trying to change.
“We’re all planning a trip when we get out of here. You should come,” Arisu says, and Niragi doesn’t know why they want him here if they don’t seem to like him.
“I really don’t think you want me with all of you.”
“Because you’re an asshole?” Ann says, “So is Chishiya, but we still hang out with him.”
“It’s clear you’re trying to be nice,” Usagi still looks distrustful of him, but for some reason her saying that means so fucking much to him. He hates that he doesn’t know why.
“It’s like we all realized there was more to life than how we lived before the disaster,” Arisu runs a hand through his shaggy hair, “I don’t know…we just want to change…Aguni and I lost our best friends in the disaster…We want to live good lives for them.”
“I lost my father a year ago and completely lost any will to live a happy life,” Usagi says, “but I don’t want to stop myself from happiness now.”
“I sucked,” Heiya laughs gently, “I don’t want to be that way anymore, and I don’t think you want to be a jerk either.”
“I just want to fix my relationship with my parents. I went through a lot to get where I am now…” Kuina’s eyes look a bit wet and Niragi is curious to know what the hell her story is.
Ann sighs heavily, like she’s irritated to have to be a part of this, “I was lonely. I had no friends. I want to have them now.”
Niragi looks over at Chishiya who looks completely unfazed by everything and anything. The man blinks boredly, “I’d like to adjust the way I practice medicine. I’d like to avoid any corrupt politics.”
Everyone looks at Niragi expectantly and he doesn’t know why the hell they want him to participate in this emotional bullshit…but for some reason he feels like going on a shitty monologue. He shrugs awkwardly, “I don’t want to be a fucking asshole anymore…I don’t know…but isn’t this fucking strange we’re all so comfortable sharing things with each other after just meeting?”
“We know each other,” Kuina says, “I just know it.”
“I keep telling you that that’s crazy,” Heiya huffs in annoyance, “We’ve all never met in our entire lives.”
“Then why are we so close?” Kuina counters, dreads bouncing as she nods, “There’s no explanation other than magic.”
“I feel like this is insulting science,” Chishiya sighs.
“And how are we all so close when some of us clearly don’t like each other?” Heiya points out, and Niragi thinks that clearly means him.
“Our lives are intertwined,” Kuina looks around the group like everyone is stupid, “What happened in those minutes we were all–“
“Dead?” Usagi finishes for her, “We were dead Kuina.”
“You guys are no fun,” Kuina huffs in disappointment, “I’m telling you there’s more to this than you think.”
Niragi thinks it’s strange because it seems like all of them have some sort of will to live, and apparently Kuina thinks there’s magic or some shit that made them survive, but Niragi has never cared about his life. He’s never wanted to like, take the steps to die, but he’s never thought he’d be upset if it happened. He can’t imagine himself fighting for his life, especially now that he seems to actually want to be dead– feeling like he deserves it.
He feels eyes on him, and when he looks to his left he sees Chishiya staring up at him with the empty eyes, that really only seem to shine with arrogance if the man actually feels anything. He hates that the fucking idiot seems to be able to peer into his soul, but at least Niragi can easily do it to Chishiya as well.
He sneers in the man’s face and Chishiya just smirks, eyes immediately lighting up with cocky amusement.
“They totally like each other.”
He hears Kuina whisper to the group like him and Chishiya aren’t part of the group too. If he could, he’d be snarling at her like some dog, but he just crosses his arms and stares at the ground and tries to calm the heat in his face because he doesn’t like any of them, especially Chishiya Shuntaro.
They watch him warily like they expect him to blow up, but he’s changing. It’s clear all of them seem apprehensive of him, and don’t seem to like him, but the thought that maybe they know each other– that maybe they’re connected– is enough for them to give him a chance. He thinks it’s bullshit and that Kuina must be fucking crazy for believing in whatever the hell she believes about the disaster.
He looks around at everyone and has mixed feelings, like he’s inferior to them, but also better than them. He’s never felt he was stronger or more capable than anyone before, so he doesn’t know where this powerful feeling comes from when he looks at them– especially Arisu and Usagi. He doesn’t think he likes it; he feels sort of sick inside.
Niragi said he was going to change, so he’s going to fucking change. He’s going to try his best to make friends or some shit. He sort of doesn’t want to give them a reason to really hate him.
He doesn’t want to give them a reason to realize that Niragi Suguru is really just nothing– weak and pathetic and unfit to have happiness.
Amazing artwork by @mallow_fallow 💗
Chapter 2
Notes:
Add me on discord 💗https://discord.gg/vCtJgtDm
Chapter Text
Chapter 2
Chishiya was discharged from the hospital four days ago, and Niragi is relieved to be away from the annoying fucking idiot who would always control the television and put on boring documentaries. But that doesn’t mean he’s free from having to speak with the aggravating little menace, because Chishiya is back to working at the hospital, and still shows up to the planned Tuesday and Thursday lunches Niragi is now invited to, just like everyone else who's gone home too. It’s his second time seeing everyone and he’s nervous.
“You’re getting the hang of that,” Usagi smiles brightly as Heiya walks towards the table on her prosthetic with much more steadiness than she had been three days ago.
“I’m surprised I’m so good at it. The doctor’s said I was a natural,” Heiya sits down beside Usagi and frowns at the table, “Is Aguni here yet?”
“Carbon fiber,” Chishiya says, looking like a pretentious asshole in his doctor’s coat. “It's a strong, yet lightweight material made of organic polymers. In addition to the c shape of the prosthetic, it bends to the user's movement and handles their weight to add flexibility and steadiness. It’s a good prosthetic for athletics.”
“Fucking know it all,” Niragi mumbles quietly, noticing the annoyance on Chishiya’s face as the man lets Kuina put a friendship bracelet on his petite wrist. Niragi thinks it’s totally ungrateful, because shit like that means something– not like Niragi has ever gotten one.
Kuina is far too caring of everyone for only having hung out a few times, not that Niragi thinks she cares about him, but at least they still let him hang around with them. It’s this sort of strange little fizzle inside of him that he thinks he needs to put out before it has him believing he can actually have anything. Niragi licks his lips, tongue swiping out of his mouth anxiously.
“Literally stop hitting on me,” Kuina huffs, noticing Niragi sticking his tongue out at her, and it’s almost enough for him to get up from the table and leave in mortification because he hardly ever realizes it when it happens.
He plays it off as just some lascivious action, that he often exaggerates just to make it seem like it’s done on purpose, but it’s better than his tongue darting around like some freak. He can’t let everyone know the truth…that he was hit so hard in the head with a baseball bat when he was seventeen that it caused a traumatic brain injury. That he was weak enough to let it happen.
He’s been stuck with the motor tic ever since, and even with habit reversal training sometimes the facial gesture still happens and varies in severity. It’s why he picked a profession where he can work remotely, and he hardly cares if women think he’s flirting with them. It’s better than everyone calling him what he isn’t able to admit to himself.
Chishiya is staring at him with those dead fucking eyes and Niragi sneers at him because he doesn’t want the man to know his secrets.
Heiya sits down at the table with a heavy breath, and he imagines that it has to take a lot of effort to adjust to walking with a missing leg. He doesn’t think he should spend everyday feeling sorry for himself when all he has to worry about is the discomforts of his healing skin.
“He’s not worth focusing on,” Chishiya says, and it has Niragi seething, because of course the man doesn’t think he’s worth anything. Chishiya looks at the blue friendship bracelet, “Tell me why it’s blue.”
“Because it’s your favorite color,” Kuina rolls her eyes like it’s so obvious and it makes Niragi wonder what else everyone shares with each other that they don’t tell him. He doesn’t really give a fuck anyways, and he slumps down in his seat, already wanting this to be over as he pokes at the mushroom pizza on his plate.
He thinks all of this is total bullshit because he doesn’t think that anything is different, after the initial little bit of hope of making friends. He knows he’s unloveable and he knows there’s something wrong with him, and now he’s just a ball of ptsd and anger issues that his brain struggles to regulate with barely any social skills. He wanted to change…but none of that went away, so he’s pretty much where he left off before the disaster, except now he’d seriously consider himself suicidal…he thought he was over that in his thirties.
He knows that no one wants him here because none of them have warmed up to him yet. He doesn’t really think he’s done anything to turn them off from him, but maybe they just see in him what everyone else sees– that he’s worthless. It just has Niragi wanting to get angry, and he’d really like to just get to the fucking gym and take everything out on a punching bag, but he still hasn’t been goddamn discharged and–
“Are you coming, Niragi?”
He looks up in confusion, because he hasn’t been paying attention, too busy spiraling into a fit of rage with nowhere to take it out because there’s nothing here to hit. He has a disgusting thought of just taking it out on someone else, but Niragi Suguru isn’t a bully…I mean maybe he leads women on, but he’s not a fucking bully.
“What?”
“Rock climbing,” Usagi says, “We were thinking of going on Friday.”
“I haven't been cleared to leave yet,” Niragi would really rather not do something he’s never done before and be bad at it. He doesn’t want to give them more of a reason to think he’s inadequate. “Neither are Ann, Heiya and Aguni.”
“I was just thinking those of us that are out,” Usagi gives him a hesitant smile, but he doesn’t return it. He still doesn’t like to look at her, because it makes him feel sick and he can’t figure out why.
“Even Chishiya is going,” Arisu points out, and the blonde doesn’t seem to care at all to be going, but the slight narrowing of his eyes makes Niragi think he’s pissed at having to go, and was forced into accepting the invitation. Niragi has gotten used to pinpointing when Chishiya is irritated; the two of them fight enough to at least pick up on that.
“I guarantee you’ll be discharged by then,” Chishiya says, biting into a sugar cookie, “There’s very little they can do to heal your burns by now.”
Niragi thinks that clearly means that there’s nothing the doctors can do to fix his damaged skin, and that he’ll be hideous forever.
“I swear put your tongue away, Niragi–”
He immediately stands up, knocking over his glass of cola and caring very little that it’s spreading across the table and getting people’s phone wet, “Fuck off, you stupid bitch,” he spits out angrily, and is storming away from the table before anyone else can say anything.
Niragi could care less that he’s just ruined his only chance at having friends. He’s not going to have some fucking person make fun of him–
“It’s a tic.”
Niragi comes to an abrupt stop as his wrist is grabbed tightly and he’s pulled backwards from where he’d been about to turn the corner. He looks behind him to see Chishiya staring up at him with those feline eyes that seem to peer inside of his soul and pick apart all of his secrets.
“What the fuck did you just say?” Niragi turns around and grabs Chishiya by the front of his doctor’s robe, sneering in his face and would seriously like to dangle him off the roof of the hospital.
“You can’t control it. It’s a tic.”
“Just because you’re a fucking doctor doesn’t mean you know shit–”
“Someone just has to know how to pay attention, but no one ever really pays attention to you, do they, Niragi?” Chishiya looks incredibly amused at having figured it out, an arrogant smirk on his face that has Niragi pushing him up against the wall. “I have to admit that it’s frustrating that I don’t know the cause of it, but it clearly makes you insecure.”
“You want to fucking laugh at me or fucking something?” Niragi’s fingers twist in the man’s coat, “I feel like you get off on feeling like you’re better than everyone else.”
“I’d say it’s more just being right,” Chishiya’s smirk just widens, “How do you expect to make friends if you can’t communicate? Kuina doesn’t know why you’re angry, and now everyone just thinks they were right about you.”
“What are you, my fucking self help coach?” Niragi doesn’t understand why Chishiya came after him, and he doesn’t understand why it’s Chishiya who wants him to make amends and not Kuina.
“Kuina won’t shut up about how we’re all connected.”
“So what, you believe her or something?” Niragi asks, because he doubts that someone like Chishiya would believe something so stupid, even if these feelings they all have about each other have no concrete evidence.
“Of course not,” Chishiya says simply, “But I’d rather not have you killing yourself on my conscience, or hers.”
“I don’t want to be some experiment for you to test out whether or not you’re a human being,” Niragi thinks that the only reason Chishiya cares about him is purely for selfish reasons, but the man has talked about the selfishness of humans so often that everyone is tired of it. “And I’m not trying to kill myself, idiot.”
Chishiya only raises an eyebrow at him in disbelief and Niragi feels like he’s so angry that he’s going to burst– so angry that he could hurt the tiny thing. He lets go of Chishiya roughly and flips the man off with a hissed fuck you, quickly turning the corner and disappearing.
“Hi, Niragi,” Kuina knocks at his hospital door and he feels himself tense with defensiveness as she walks in the room and sits on the edge of his bed where he’s busy reading some article about the disaster.
“Want me to call you a stupid bitch again or something?” Niragi threatens, but she just sighs heavily like she expected nothing less.
“Chishiya told us all that you have a…tic?” She seems unsure of whether or not she’s said the right thing, and he bristles at the information that Chishiya revealed something so personal about him. He didn’t even tell the man either. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“How could you know?” Niragi mumbles, because after having an hour to reflect on the entire situation, he reasoned that there was no possibility of Kuina making fun of him when she had no idea why he was doing it in the first place. “It doesn’t happen as much as it used to.”
“I shouldn’t have assumed the worst about you.”
Niragi probably shouldn’t have gotten mad at her either, but that’s what happened and he can’t change that. He just shrugs because at least she thought he was just a pervert and not like there was something wrong with him.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
He honestly really doesn’t because he’s worried she’ll think even less of him than she already does. Niragi knows he needs to work on the way he perceives and talks about himself, but after waking up after the disaster he thinks he’s a monster. It doesn’t matter that he’s trying to be kinder, he has this feeling in his gut that he’s a horrible person.
“I’m trans.”
Niragi’s brows furrow at Kuina’s confession, because he never would have ever noticed. He doesn’t want to be fucking ga– he just thinks shit like that doesn’t really fucking matter for other people; she’s still beautiful. He just shrugs, “I don’t care about shit like that.”
Kuina smiles softly at him, “My mother always loved me, but my father was sort of horrible about it. I ran away when I was sixteen and never looked back…but at least I’m trying to solve things with him now.”
Niragi doesn’t think he’ll ever solve things with his abusive fucking father and absent mother. He’d rather never see them again in his life, and they didn’t even visit him here, not that they’d even know where to find him. He thinks no one visited Chishiya too, but he wouldn’t visit the annoying fucking brat either.
“It’s a traumatic brain injury,” Niragi says, but he isn’t going to tell her how it happened, “I can’t regulate my emotions well and I hate bright lights. I just get angry, and I’m sorry for being an asshole…and my tongue is just. I try to control it, alright.”
“You don’t have to try to do anything, now that we know you can’t…right?”
“I mean, it’s more complicated than that,” Niragi doesn’t think he needs to explain everything, but maybe if he tries it might change the way she sees him. “It was a moderate brain injury…so I still have a lot of lasting effects– sensitivity to light, headaches, depression, anxiety, aggression, insomnia… I don’t know it’s a fucking lot, okay?”
“How did it happen?” Kuina asks carefully and Niragi feels uncomfortable with the question.
“Baseball bat,” is all he says, because he’s not going to elaborate any further.
“And it caused the tic?”
“I already said it fucking did,” Niragi snaps at her, but this time she doesn’t seem put off by him.
“Give us a chance to get to know you–“
“None of you like me.”
Kuina frowns, twiddling her thumbs, “We’re just cautious, and we don’t know why, but we’re willing to get to know you. You have to try too.”
“I’m not going to spill my life story to all of you.”
“We just don’t want you to be an asshole. You don’t have to tell us everything about you unless you want to,” Kuina shakes her head at him, “But if you just communicated with me earlier then we wouldn’t have had a problem.”
“Fine,” Niragi crosses his arms in irritation, “But there’s nothing fucking else to tell.”
“Alright,” Kuina nods, “It’s not like we’re sharing all our secrets. We all still hardly know anything about each other.”
Niragi wants to snark back at how the woman thinks they’re all connected, but he thinks that would just make him more of an asshole. He sort of wants to prove everyone wrong.
“So let’s just try to get along?”
“Okay,” Niragi feels his tongue shift to the left, so he clenches his teeth to fight the oncoming tic. “Just know I’m not hitting on you.”
“Good, because I think Chishiya would be jealous.”
“I’m not fucking gay,” Niragi grumbles angrily, terrified that she can see through him, but he isn’t.
“Alright, alright,” Kuina laughs softly, and stands up on her long legs, “I’ll see you on Thursday, and at rock climbing.”
She says it like he doesn’t have much of a choice, and like he had to show up. He doesn’t want to admit that being wanted feels nice.
“Fucking whatever,” Niragi says, and scowls when she just laughs at him. He doesn’t like to be laughed at.
“Leave him alone, Kuina,” Chishiya pokes his head into the hospital room and Niragi would really like to wipe the cocky look off his face. “You promised me cake.”
“You already had a fucking cookie,” Niragi wonders how Chishiya stays so thin when all he eats is sugar.
“I’m sorry you’re stuck with hospital food. It must be infuriating to know I can go to a cafe,” Chishiya sounds incredibly amused that he can do something Niragi can’t.
“Don’t instigate,” Kuina walks over and smacks Chishiya on the top of the head, and Niragi bursts out laughing as he watches the way the man’s face twists into scowl. She turns her head just enough to meet his eyes, “We’ll see you on Thursday, alright?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there,” Niragi grumbles, irritated with the way Chishiya stares at him so intensely. He doesn’t know why the fucking weirdo stares at him so much.
“Good,” Kuina smiles at him and her kindness is so strange to him, “We’ll see you later.”
Chishiya gives a little wave that really just pisses Niragi off, and then he’s alone in his room again, wondering when the fuck he can get out of here.
Niragi is discharged the next morning and he’s never been more relieved to make it back into his apartment, though he rather wouldn’t have had everyone stare at his bandaged body on the train. He can’t imagine what it will be like when his bandages are removed…he’s not looking forward to it.
All he really wants to do the minute he steps through his front door is just crawl beneath the covers of his bed and never wake up, but as he takes in his disgustingly dirty apartment– moldy dishes in the sink and piles of clothes in his bedroom– he thinks he should try to clean. He doesn’t want to live in filth, but knows that it’s time to stop letting himself live in the physical embodiment of his severe depression. Isn’t that part of changing too?
He’s a little overwhelmed and doesn’t know where to start, but it’s probably best to clear out his fridge of any expired food from when he’s been in the hospital. It doesn’t take very long, since he had very little food to begin with; he primarily eats pre-made foods that don’t take any effort…but maybe he should learn how to cook. He thinks he should probably start doing a lot of things.
Niragi gets all the clothes on his bedroom floor squished into a plastic laundry basket and puts what he can fit in the washing machine for the first load. He washes the dishes next and opens all the windows to air out the musty smell, and vacuums and dusts and cleans the bathroom and kitchen completely. He waits to shower off all the feelings of hospital until he’s done cleaning, because that would only just build up a sweat and he’d rather not have to shower twice. And he desperately tries not to look at the words carved into his stomach as he showers, because it’s not true; it’s not.
He needs food; he doesn’t even have rice, and he’s actually starving from exerting himself after doing nothing for like a month as he laid down in the hospital. He wants to go to the gym too, but he’s still exhausted, and uncomfortable with the way his injured skin pulls at each movement. His stomach growls loudly and even if he doesn’t want to leave his house, he doesn’t really think he has a choice.
“Sorry,” Niragi says, bumping into someone as he turns the corner on the fourth floor of his apartment complex towards the stairs.
“Niragi?”
Niragi looks down to find Usagi staring up at him with wide eyes and he can clearly tell that she’s nervous to be alone around him. He wants to assure her that she has nothing to worry about, but something whispers in his head that maybe she does. Her eyes focus on his mouth and he puts a hand over it, because he just knows his nerves are making his tic worse. It’s annoying because anytime he licks his lips they’re all going to be making everything awkward.
“You don’t have to be embarrassed,” Usagi says gently, “You can do it as much as you need to.”
“I don’t need to do anything,” he sneers at her, but she just glares up at him like he can’t intimidate her. He sighs, and runs a hand through his hair, “Some days are better than others.”
“It’s really not that noticeable… except when you…”
“Stick it out really far?” Niragi asks, and she nods apprehensively like she isn’t sure if it’s something that’s alright to talk about. “Sometimes I just need to stretch it out I guess. The muscle gets restless, um,” he doesn’t really want to talk about this anymore, “Do you live here?”
“Yeah, just around the hall, 405. You?”
“402,” Niragi says, and hopes that she’s not frightened living in the same building as him, “I’m not like, dangerous…”
“I…” Usagi doesn’t agree, but at least she doesn’t disagree, “Where are you headed?”
“Just to the grocery store. I don’t have any food, since I just got home from the hospital today.”
“I’m going there too. Would you like to go together?”
“Are you sure that’s what you want?” Niragi doesn’t want her to feel forced to be nice to him when she obviously wishes to be as far away from him as possible.
“I think we should all get to know each other,” Usagi says, “And maybe in a way I agree with Kuina. We’re connected, so there must be a reason we’ve all found each other.”
“Don’t you think there’s a reason none of you like me?” Niragi hasn’t wanted to ask, because he’s afraid of the answer, but it’s something that keeps him up at night.
“I’d like to know who you are now,” Usagi says, determination on her soft features, “I know you’re trying.”
“Like I said before, there’s not really anything to know,” Niragi makes sure not to touch her as he holds open the door for her as they step onto the street. The air is still thick with summer heat and even in a tank top and shorts, it’s not enough to fight off the humidity and overwhelming light of the sun. He slips on his sunglasses because he already knows he’s going to get a headache.
“I don’t believe that,” Usagi’s voice is kind when she really has no reason to be, and it just makes him feel like he wants to get away from her, afraid he’ll give her a real reason to hate him. “How old are you?”
“Thirty-two. You?”
“Twenty-seven,” Usagi says, and Niragi raises an eyebrow because she certainly doesn’t look it, but he supposes he doesn’t look like he’s in his thirties either. “Chishiya and Heiya are the youngest of us.”
“Yeah, but at least she’s graduating from highschool in three weeks,” Niragi says, because he doesn’t really feel comfortable hanging out with high school students, and she’s really the only one out of everyone that Niragi has no feelings for.
“That’s true. We’ll have to go to her graduation,” Usagi smiles, and it really is so infectious that he almost smiles too, “It’s impressive that Chishiya is a doctor.”
“He’s only doing his residency,” Niragi grumbles, and he doesn’t know why it just pisses him off so much that the younger man is more successful than him at only twenty-six. Chishiya just has a way of making him feel so fucking stupid. But it sort of sparks a fire in Niragi that’s addicting, nevermind that he already has anger issues.
“Well at least the two of you have jobs. I’m still trying to figure out what to do after my father died. He left me enough to be comfortable, but eventually it will run out.”
“I’m sure you’ll find something,” Niragi says, because he’s sure she can find a job if she really wants it. He still understands what it’s like to struggle with money, running away from home and having to do whatever he could to survive. It’s why he buys her groceries, and feels stunned when she thanks him with little bows.
“This is the least I can do,” Usagi places a plate of beef and rice in front of him, after he sat at her dining room awkwardly while she cooked. “It’s nothing fancy, but it’s edible.”
“It’s better than anything I could do,” Niragi takes a bite and it’s much better than something he would’ve attempted, “I don't know how to cook for shit.”
“Well maybe I can teach you every once in a while, since we live so close to each other.”
“I mean, if you want to,” Niragi thinks he can just thank her, but he’s so nervous that he isn’t sure how to properly communicate that he’s grateful to her. “I–I promise I’ll try to be nice.”
“I think you’re doing a great job, Niragi,” Usagi smiles at him and he tries to mimic it. “I don’t think any of us should let who we were before the disaster define us.”
It’s easier said than done, but he thinks he’s done a fairly decent job in the past week after having committed to taking the steps necessary to change. It really might not seem like he did anything, but he knows he’s already made changes…still doesn’t mean that this is going to be easy.
“Yeah,” Niragi says quietly, “but I think it’s easier for all of you than me…”
“As long as you don’t give up. My father never wanted me to give up…but I did for a little while,” she moves around the food on her plate, deep in thought, “I want to stay strong now.”
Niragi isn’t strong, but the least he can do is try to be kind even if he doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t think they’re all the type of people that would hurt him, but that doesn’t mean he won’t mess these friendships up.
“Me too,” is all Niragi finds himself able to say, and Usagi nods with a smile.
“Then we’ll all encourage each other, okay?”
“Sure,” Niragi shrugs, acting like he doesn’t care, even if he’s sure it’s pretty obvious that he does. He thinks it would be nice to have people who support him…he’s never had that before.
So he finishes the meal and offers to clean up, but she just shakes her head at him and says that they can meet up with Arisu tomorrow and all go to the hospital for lunch with everyone else. Niragi tries not to be hurt that she’s kicking him out and not accepting his attempt to give back for dinner, but thinks she just doesn’t want to make him clean up in her own home.
So Niragi lays in bed and stares up at the ceiling, illuminated by his small night light on the bedside table. He may hate light, but he hates the darkness even more, always plagued with memories of being locked in the closet as a child whenever he was accused of misbehaving, sometimes all night.
He feels strangely hopeful, and it’s a foreign feeling, because he’s never felt like this before– like there’s more to life than just survival. Niragi sighs, because he really shouldn’t get his hopes up; there’s no guarantee that any of this will go anywhere and then he’ll just be alone again. But he just needs to try, doesn’t he? He has to be strong like Usagi said, and he needs to show up to things like Kuina wants him too. And even if he hates to admit that that cocky blonde idiot is right; he can’t change if he doesn’t even try. He just needs to try.
He just needs to fucking try.
Chapter Text
Chapter 3
Niragi wakes up in a cold sweat, shivering as he tries to get the sound of screams out of his head. It was a horribly vivid dream–nightmare–but now he can’t remember any of it. He just knows it has him feeling sick, and he scrambles out of bed and down the hall, barely making it to the toilet where he practically throws up his guts because that’s how fucking horrible he feels.
Each day is harder than the last, especially now that he’s in his home, all alone. He flushes the toilet and sits on the floor, leaning back against the wall breathing heavily and still incredibly queasy. He got sick last night too, waking up with the same panic and urgency. The hospital was easy because at least he was in a place that reminded him he was there every day to suffer, but now that he’s in the comforts of his home…he just feels like he doesn’t deserve to be here– safe, comfortable…
“I should’ve fucking died in the disaster,” Niragi says to himself, and maybe he should just end it all. But he doesn’t have enough energy to even make the effort, even if it’s been on his mind since he woke up. He hugs his legs to his chest and presses his forehead on his knees, and just sits there on the cold floor trying not to get sick again.
He groans in annoyance because he has to wake up early to see everyone for goddamn rock climbing. He thinks he’ll just cancel on them, and doesn’t really think they’ll miss him anyways, because no one said anything about him missing yesterday’s lunch. It’s still pretty obvious they don’t know what to think of him, and he’s probably going to prove that he’s not worth keeping around anyways.
It’s crazy how two nights of nightmares have been enough to completely shatter him and make him give up already.
He thinks he falls asleep in the bathroom, because he wakes up to banging at his door and he’s on the cold floor with a stiff neck. He rubs his eyes, grumbling groggily and mouth tasting terrible as he gets up and stumbles towards the front door, still half asleep.
He’s not quite sure what to expect, but the last thing he wants to see when he wakes up is Chishiya Shuntaro’s arrogant smirking face. He can at least ignore the man in favor of staring at someone much less irritating to look at, but still irritating nonetheless for showing up to his apartment unannounced, “Why are you here?”
Kuina rolls her eyes, “You missed rock climbing.”
“And?” Niragi is immediately defensive, because isn’t he allowed to take care of himself when he feels shitty, nevermind that he was sleeping on his bathroom floor.
“You missed lunch on Thursday too,” Kuina pushes past him and he glares heatedly as she walks into his home, and doesn’t like the way Chishiya just goes inside too, moving around him like it isn’t totally rude to invade his space.
“It’s really dark in here,” Kuina says, going over to the sliding glass door and opening the curtain to let in sunlight that just has Niragi wincing as he follows them into the living room. She looks over at the mass of stuff by the television, “Are you reorganizing? We could help.”
“I’m just getting rid of some stuff. Take whatever you want.”
“There’s like nothing left,” Kuina looks around with a frown, like she’s been in his house before and knows exactly what’s been where. “If you’re getting rid of all that then you need to redecorate.”
He’s about to tell her that he doesn’t want to spend money on making his home nice when there’s really no point, but he doesn’t quite like the way Chishiya is looking at him. He notices the way the man’s eyebrow is just slightly raised, like Chishiya is waiting for him to…he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do. It’s still quite an apathetic expression, but something about it sets Niragi on edge, but it could just also be how the man is sitting on his couch in such a bored position like showing up and forcing their way into his house isn’t even really that important.
Niragi wants Chishiya to be intimidated by him, because the man makes him feel so inferior that even in his space it’s like he’s nothing. He briefly wonders what Chishiya would do if he shoved a gun in that pretty face, and it’s a sick, twisted thought that makes Niragi want to vomit again. He doesn’t even own a gun.
“We should get lunch,” Kuina says, looking through all the junk on his floor, picking up a blue maneki-neko with interest. She turns and holds it up towards them, “You would like this, Chi.”
Chi, Niragi thinks, because now they have nicknames for each other. He’s certainly not needed when they’re already all getting so close. “I’m not really hungry.”
Chishiya stands up, “There’s a pizza place around the corner. I’ll go get something.”
“I said I wasn’t hungry.”
“Well I am,” Kuina places a few things on the coffee table that Niragi assumes she’s taking with her and she crosses her arms at him, “You should eat. You’re still healing.”
It’s just his skin, which can’t be salvaged, he thinks, so there’s not really a point in trying to do anything about it. He really just wants them out of his house as soon as possible, because he’s fucking exhausted and he just wants to go back to sleep.
“I’ll be back then,” Chishiya puts a hand in his pocket and gives a little wave with the other, “Take a shower, Niragi.”
The man’s order, not suggestion or kind concern, has his blood boiling and he barely resists getting in Chishiya’s face and spitting out graphic threats. Niragi’s anger issues are nothing new, but this itching urge to make people bleed is new, because he’s imagined hurting people before as he hits a punching bag in the gym, but now the thought of it has him almost getting off on it like some sick freak.
“I’m fucking fine,” he sneers at the man, who just shrugs like it’s not really that big of a deal in the end.
“I’ll get your gross pineapple pizza,” Chishiya looks at Kuina, but his lips tilt into a barely noticeable frown, “I’m not eating it though. I’ll get you mushroom, Niragi.”
Niragi is slightly confused how Chishiya knows what his favorite pizza is, but he’s not going to draw attention to it and make it seem like he cares– he doesn’t.
“Whatever,” he grumbles, and Chishiya grins at him, which just pisses him off.
He doesn’t shower because Chishiya tells him to. He showers because he feels disgusting, and it feels awkward to do it while Kuina is in his home, so he rinses himself off as quickly as possible. He brushes his teeth which is the main game changer and when he comes into the living room in a tank top and sweatpants, hair wet, he’s immediately defensive when Kuina whistles at him.
“If I liked men,” she says, shaking her head, and Niragi didn’t know she was gay. It’s not like it matters.
He’s not sure what to say to that, because honestly ever since waking up the thought of being with a woman sounds has him feeling even more than it normally does.
“Are you sure you’re alright?”
“I’m fucking fine,” Niragi spits out, because what the hell does she even think just showing up here and acting like something is wrong with him? He’s not some helpless loser– not anymore, and he hasn’t been for years. He wants to hurt her, and he doesn’t understand why. He just doesn’t want any of them thinking he’s vulnerable; he’s capable. He’s not a scrawny high schooler anymore.
Niragi turns away from her and just goes into the kitchen, hands on the counter as he breathes deeply, trying to catch his breath that feels like it’s speeding up. He thinks he might be in the beginnings of a panic attack, because he feels like there’s this other person living inside of him, some dark, twisted thing. He hasn’t been nice for a long time…but this is different.
He can hear his heartbeat in his ears and his left side feels numb and buzzing, sort of like he’s going to have a heart attack at any moment, mouth dry and vision fuzzy.
“Niragi, what’s wrong?”
He sees Kuina in the corner of his vision and trembles, managing to speak cruelly, “I’m fucking fine you dumb bitch.”
“Just because you have issues doesn’t mean you can be a dick,” Kuina says angrily, and Niragi seriously can’t handle this shit right now.
“Just give me a fucking minute then,” he hisses and hears her sigh heavily, but when he looks back over to where she was standing, she’s gone.
Niragi’s hands reach up into his hair and pull tightly, because he’s the one that should hurt. He knows he deserves to suffer, because he wasn’t supposed to survive; he just knows it.
Niragi’s foot taps quickly on the floor and his hands ball up into fists, nails digging into his palms, anything to lose focus on the tightening in his chest. He can have his fucking freak out later, but there’s people in his house and he’d rather not show them how pathetic he is.
So he keeps it together enough to make it through lunch, but he’s irritable and won’t stop insulting them when they talk to him. It’s clearly pissing off Kuina, but Chishiya looks incredibly amused and that just has Niragi feeling rageful. It’s like the man loves nothing more than to mock him, or make him feel like he’s a joke.
He stares down at his half eaten pizza and eyes it hatefully, because it’s irritating that Chishiya got his favorite, but it’s also confusing because why does the man even care enough to get it for him?
“So Heiya’s graduation is next Friday. I was hoping we’re all going,” Kuina says slowly, because it’s pretty obvious that Niragi might blow up any minute and is worried that trying to convince him to go with them is the thing that will set him off.
Niragi doesn’t want to go to some fucking high school graduation, but maybe if he goes to it then he can be a big enough asshole that all of them will never want to see him again. “Fine.”
“We should get her a gift.”
“I don’t care what you get her, Kuina, just don’t make me go shopping,” Chishiya says, but his eyes are on Niragi for some fucking reason.
“You’d be terrible at it anyways,” Kuina waves her hand in dismissal, but then her phone rings and she looks at the screen with a smile. “I’ll be right back.”
Niragi watches her go and disappear somewhere he can’t hear her anymore. Chishiya is staring at him blankly and he sneers, “Stop staring at me.”
“You don’t look like you slept very well.”
It’s not really any of Chishiya’s business knowing about how much or how little he’s slept. He crosses his arms and huffs, “I slept fine.”
“Acclimating to life after the disaster is challenging for most. I admit I’m still adjusting.”
Niragi notes that Chishiya doesn’t outwardly seem to be struggling, but knows that the man is skilled at masking the already muted emotions he feels. Niragi does something similar, but instead of indifference is just a rude bastard to hide the truth. It’s not easy to change someone’s lifestyle so dramatically, and while they both know the other is unused to trying to let people into their hearts, Niragi is overly sensitive and Chishiya doesn’t seem to feel at all.
“That’s not my problem,” Niragi says, because he’ll worry about Chishiya when the man stops being so fucking annoying.
“Don’t do anything stupid.”
“What the fuck are you on about?”
“I don’t want to clean up the mess of your little pity party,” Chishiya’s eyes fall to his mouth and Niragi feels self conscious even if Usagi said he doesn’t need to be.
“Yeah well I don’t think anyone wants to deal with your annoying ass either,” Niragi’s lip curls in anger, because what the hell does Chishiya think he’ll do?
He stares at the man staring back at him, and it’s not the first time he feels like they’ve been here before, because it feels like a favorite pastime, arguing with Chishiya. It’s just as infuriating as it is exhilarating to have someone see him, even if he tries so hard to hide. He hates that Chishiya can see through him, but it’s also a bit of a relief for someone to see past his aggressive bravado.
“Get out of my house, Chishiya,” Niragi knows he sound exhausted, because he is, and he’d really just like to go back to bed and get some proper sleep, neck still stiff.
“If that’s what you really want,” Chishiya says, but makes no move to leave, and Niragi is almost ready to go around the table to grab him by the hoodie and drag him to the front door.
“Alright, I need to go over to Ann’s place,” Kuina steps back into the room, and she has a blush on her face that Niragi can’t help noticing, and the tapping of fingers on her side like she’s anticipating something. He’s willing to bet that Kuina’s got a bit of crush. “Are you coming too, Chi.”
Chishiya smirks, “I’d rather not get in the way of your awkward flirting. I’ll help Niragi clean up lunch.”
“I told you to leave,” Niragi glares, but Chishiya doesn’t seem afraid of him and it’s infuriating that he has no effect on the man, like he’s so useless and pathetic.
“You should feel lucky he wants to stay,” Kuina has a smirk on her face that Niragi wants to wipe off, “Most of the time he hardly wants to be around any of us.”
“Fucking whatever,” Niragi guesses he’ll just have no rest today, having to spend time with Chishiya Shuntaro’s annoying ass.
So he watches with a twitching eye as Chishiya moves around his house, like it’s the man’s own fucking home, washing the dishes after Kuina left.
Niragi doesn’t think he should feel guilty for wanting to push Chishiya off the balcony, enough time being force fed piss rice was enough to destroy any care for other people’s wellbeing other than his own, and the thought of hurting the smaller man brings out some sort of psychotic joy…it also makes him feel so guilty he wants to throw up again.
He used to pride himself on effectively stamping out any empathy inside of him, because it’s every man for himself in the world and he can’t afford to give a shit about anyone, but waking up from the disaster has brought back his pathetic adolescent kindness back in full force. Niragi used to be such a sweet boy…he used to be so kind…
“A patient gave me a letter to give to their grandfather,” Chishiya says suddenly, turning off the water and placing the last plate on the drying rack. “I mailed it this morning.”
Niragi just stares at Chishiya because he doesn’t give a shit about some stupid letter. If he were the man he probably would’ve thrown the sentimental thing in the trash just because there’s no place for love in this world. It doesn’t exist anyways. “I would’ve just thrown it away.”
Chishiya smirks, glancing over at Niragi with amusement, “So would I…at least before the disaster. Would you be capable of doing that now, Niragi?”
“Does it matter? I’m not the one who’s a doctor.”
“I still don’t really find myself caring,” Chishiya leans against the counter and is displaying clear irritation, “I’m not sure what I need to be doing that’s different, when you clearly seem so remorseful.”
“It’s not my fault you’re a heartless bastard,” Niragi accuses, because if he’s honest, he’d prefer to be like Chishiya. All this guilt is tearing him apart.
“I would've thought my life was enough to change, because you certainly don’t have any death on your hands.”
Niragi might not, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel like he’s done horrible things. It’s just that leading women on and and being an asshole, shouldn’t make him feel like this.
“I don’t know what you want me to say that, that you’re fucking jealous because I’m able to grow a conscience?”
“I just want to know what could have possibly made you change so much.”
“Even if I knew I wouldn’t tell you.”
“I suppose you wouldn’t, because neither would I.”
“There’s nothing about us that’s similar,” Niragi frowns, “There’s no one like me.”
“You’re not the only tortured soul,” Chishiya says, walking a bit closer and Niragi backs up to the wall, “Lacking love and attention, lashing out with violence.”
“What about you is violent?”
“I deliver death sentences, and I really don’t care in the end if my patients die, no matter how hard I’ve tried. I thought this profession would help spark something in me, but it hasn’t.”
“But you like Kuina.”
Chishiya nods, and seems to consider Niragi’s words, “I do like her. I admit I like everyone in our little group. They're so different to people like us.”
“I’m not like you,” Niragi gets in his face and sneers, “I take one look at you and know you’ve never truly suffered. Just because your parents didn’t love you doesn’t mean you know what it’s like to bleed.”
“A lack of love didn’t do us any favors. We know the truth about humanity– twisted, selfish, greedy,” Chishiya looks up at Niragi, eyes empty except for a little fire deep in his gaze, “It doesn’t matter if there are a few good apples, most of them are rotten.”
“Is that it then? I thought you wanted to change?”
Chishiya just stares at him with those intelligent eyes and it has Niragi’s blood boiling. The man’s eyes flicker towards his lips and Niragi pushes Chishiya so roughly, little body hitting the fridge hard.
“You’ve never let yourself get close to anybody,” Chishiya doesn’t show any outward pain, but Niragi knows it hurt.
“Get out of my house, Chishiya,” Niragi doesn’t know why Chishiya is so fucking obsessed with their similarities– that he refuses to admit they have. “I’m starting to think you’re some fucking cocksucker, but you’re barking up the wrong fucking tree.”
Chishiya raises an eyebrow at Niragi, as if to say am I? The man is just lucky to have decided to keep his mouth shut because Niragi might seriously beat him to a pulp.
Niragi takes a step forward and Chishiya’s hands go up in defense, but he’s smirking in amusement, “Alright, alright. I can see I’ve overstayed my welcome.”
The man shouldn’t have even showed up to Niragi’s house in the first place, and he barely resists grabbing Chishiya’s hair to drag him by those pretty starlight strands and drag him out of the house.
“I’ll see you Tuesday then?”
Yeah, Niragi isn’t going to their stupid lunch, because what’s the point when no one likes him. He just shrugs, “I’ll go if you get the fuck out of my house.”
Chishiya shakes his head in amusement, but he doesn’t say anything and just leaves the kitchen. Niragi is tense until the sound of the front door closing sounds through the apartment.
Niragi leans against the counter and sighs heavily, because he doesn’t know what the hell that was. It has his heart beating fast and his skin feeling tingly because he’s never had someone so interested in him before. It’s really just Chishiya’s selfish reasons, jealousy at Niragi being better at all this feeling shit than the man…but it’s still overwhelming to be noticed.
He could spend the rest of his life never having to see Chishiya Shuntaro again, because the way his burns seem to sting whenever he sees the man just freaks him out, and he once again is reminded that Kuina thinks they’re connected. It’s just crazy bullshit, and he refuses to believe it.
He runs a hand through his hair and lets out another deep sigh, seeing feline eyes and an arrogant smirk when he closes his eyes.
“Fucking asshole.”
Amazing artwork by @mallow_fallow 💗
Chapter 4
Notes:
TW: self harm/suicide BARELY described
TW: use of slurJoin my Nishiya server 💗https://discord.gg/wyAR667r
Nishiya 💔 playlist (inspired by all my stories)
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1T1eAITwMJY1mBZMrJDCtu?si=B-JGaT66Rf6zVRNay5aI7g&pi=u-DAQB2GJ0TSyf
Chapter Text
Chapter 4
Niragi wakes up again covered in sweat and shaking, so nauseous that his head spins. It’s another nightmare he can’t remember, but he feels it, and it’s horrible. He lays there just trying not to get sick because he’d rather not sleep in the bathroom again, passing out from mental exhaustion. He stares up at the ceiling and hates the silence…he feels so alone…but he knows he doesn’t deserve any comfort.
His phone dings on the bedside table and he picks it up, reading the text on the screen in annoyance. He hates the stupid fucking group chat he was forced to join, because now no one leaves him the fuck alone.
Let’s go to the beach this weekend?
He looks at Kuina’s text and for some reason the idea of going to the beach makes him feel even sicker. He angrily deletes himself from the group chat because he doesn’t want to hear them fucking talking like everything is fine. It’s only getting worse for Niragi.
“The beach,” Niragi mumbles to himself, fists clenching and he smells gunpowder and hears screams. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s enough to have him putting a hand over his mouth as he gags, and then he’s running to the bathroom, barely making it as he throws up everything he’s eaten– or that Chishiya and Kuina forced him to for lunch.
He slumps onto the floor and hits his head on the tile a few times to shut up the screams that won’t leave his mind, almost ringing in his ears. Niragi feels tears drip down his face and he’s so fucking weak, just as pathetic as he used to be, emotional and just feeling shit so deeply. It’s like he’s being bullied again, but this time it’s his own mind tearing him apart…he’d rather be hit with baseballs and eating piss rice because at least with that he had an escape at home, if his father wasn’t around. He has no escape now.
He sits there for whoever knows how long before he stands up shakily and goes to the sink, rinsing his mouth with water and he looks into the mirror, taking in his features. He honestly looks like shit. He’s lost weight and his arms definitely need some boxing to give them more definition that lessened during his time at the hospital. And knows that beneath his shirt his abs are less defined too, and his skin looks paler than usual, dark circles under his eyes.
“Fucking pathetic,” he says to himself, feeling so pent up with anger and pain and confusion. Niragi has always had a temper, but he feels like a fuse ready to set off something detrimental.
His fingers run through his hair and he pulls it roughly, because staring at himself in the mirror is fucking with his head. He sees manic eyes and a malicious smile that he knows aren’t on his face. The sounds of gunshots and wails consume him and he lets out some angry, broken sound, punching the mirror so hard it shatters. He cuts up his hand and it bleeds into the sink, and he doesn’t know why the sight of it excites him. He’s always hated blood.
He picks up a shard of glass and just pauses, feeling it slice into his hand with his tight grip. He shouldn’t have survived the disaster, because maybe he’s starting to believe Kuina, or he’s actually just going crazy. What was he in those two minutes his heart stopped…clearly something that disgusts him and has him losing his mind.
He doesn’t quite register him cutting into his wrist, but suddenly there’s a hand on his, stopping him from going any further, and Niragi yelps as he’s startled, staring down at Chishiya with wide eyes.
“What the fuck?!”
“I took your spare key. You really shouldn’t have left it hanging by the door. It’s like you were begging one of us to come here.”
“I– you’re in my fucking house you psychopath,” Niragi practically growls, some strange animalistic breath that pushes out each word. “Get the fuck out!”
“I knew I’d have to keep an eye on you since the day we met in the hospital. Do you have a first aid kit?”
“Why the fuck would I have one?”
Chishiya looks disappointed in him and it has him seething, “what about bandages for your injuries?”
“In the cabinet you fucking home invader,” Niragi feels like he wants to bash Chishiya’s head into the wall, “I told you to leave.”
“Fine, then I guess I’ll make due with what you have,” Chishiya completely ignores Niragi’s order, and grabs the glass shard from his hand and throws it in the small trash can by the sink.
Niragi thinks nothing can really be done except let the fucking menace do whatever the hell he wants and only then can be forced to leave, so he lets Chishiya take his injured wrist and inspect it like the fucking pretentious doctor he is.
“This is fucking bullshit,” Niragi says, because he’s still disoriented from the little gremlin showing up in his house.
“You think I don’t know the signs of someone planning to kill themself?” Chishiya asks coolly, washing the cut on Niragi’s wrist, “If you had gone any deeper, then this would be an entirely different situation. You’re lucky I decided to show up tonight. I swear you can’t be left alone now.”
“Why the fuck do you care, Chishiya?”
“I told you I don’t want it on my conscience. I won’t let anyone die if I can prevent it. Doctor’s oath,” Chishiya smirks at him, and Niragi rolls his eyes. “And maybe I enjoy your company. You’re incredibly fun to tease.”
“There’s still a likelihood of me blowing your brains out,” Niragi threatens, even if he doesn’t have a gun. He’s tempted to figure out how to get one just to wipe that cocky smirk off the man’s face.
“Let’s save that for the second date,” Chishiya grins, thumb brushing over Niragi’s wrist gently.
Niragi feels himself fill with rage and he grabs Chishiya by the front of the man’s shirt, fingers twisting into the fabric and sneers right in that arrogant face, “I’m not fucking gay, you fucking faggot. It’s you who’s hitting on me.”
“Definitely some type of trauma,” Chishiya says, seemingly completely unaffected by Niragi’s cruel words. “It’s no wonder you’re so pent up with anger. I don’t think any of us would care that you like men.”
“I don’t,” Niragi spits out, and Chishiya’s face twists into disgust as his saliva hits the man’s cheek, “And even if I did, you’d be the last fucking guy I’d ever fall for.”
“It doesn’t really matter,” Chishiya dismisses, like he wasn’t the one who started it, “I’m more concerned with making sure you don’t kill yourself. I’ll be staying here.”
“Fucking excuse me?” Niragi lets go of Chishiya roughly and the man stumbles backwards, “You’re not staying in my house.”
“Then we’ll have someone else monitor you.”
“This isn’t a goddamn psych ward,” Niragi says angrily, “I’m not going to do anything, alright?”
Chishiya just looks at his bleeding wrist with a raised eyebrow and Niragi feels stupid, “I’m staying. Now let me wrap your wrist. The bleeding should stop soon with some pressure.”
Niragi grumbles about not needing a fucking baby sitter while Chishiya takes the gauze and wraps his wrist. He really mostly cut into the bottom of his palm deeply, but if Chishiya didn’t break into his fucking house…
“I need you to tell me you aren’t going to do this again,” Chishiya says, voice stern and it has Niragi’s blood boiling at the dominant tone. It has him feeling pissed off because no one tells him what to do anymore.
“Why the hell do you care?”
“I told you I don’t want it on my conscience–“
“That’s a bullshit excuse,” Niragi says, because he knows that Chishiya wants to change, but caring about a patient or friend is different than caring about him.
“I find you interesting,” Chishiya’s touch is light and it makes Niragi’s skin crawl, “I think we’re incredibly alike, and I’ve never met anyone like me before.”
“So what, you want to bond? Be fucking best friends?”
Chishiya shakes his head, a small smirk on his face, “Kuina is my best friend. You’re something different.”
“What then?” Niragi’s face scrunches up into confusion because what the fuck is this idiot on about?
“I’m not quite sure yet. It would be a shame for you to die before I can figure it out.”
The man’s words have his heart thumping, so instead he focuses on the sting as Chishiya wraps his sliced palm and knuckles, staring at the blood in the sink and upset there wasn’t more.
“How did you know I was going to do this?” Niragi is genuinely curious, because it’s fucking freaky how Chishiya just showed up.
“Lack of sleep, lack of appetite, getting rid of and giving away personal things. Most suicides are attempted around two in the morning, and when you left the group chat I knew you were going to do something idiotic.”
“You’re fucking weird,” Niragi mumbles, because Chishiya makes him feel messed up inside, because his skin burns, but there’s a spark inside of him that wants to play this strange little game Chishiya wants to figure out. It feels like they have unfinished business, which doesn’t really make sense.
“We should go to bed.”
“We???” Niragi’s face twists into anger, “I’m not fucking letting you in my bed.”
“I was thinking more that I would sleep on the floor,” Chishiya raises an eyebrow at him, almost like the man is insinuating that Niragi actually wants them to sleep together and is just acting like he doesn’t. He glares, because he doesn’t want to even give Chishiya a roll up mattress.
He does.
“I might step on you,” Niragi says, stressed out to be in the dark, but he didn’t want Chishiya to mock him for having a night light like some child. He’s at least slightly calmed knowing there’s someone else in the room with him.
“Do you get up often throughout the night?”
Niragi doesn’t say anything, because he doesn’t want to admit to having nightmares. He just turns on his side to face the wall and away from the man laying on the floor.
“I often wake up with vivid dreams,” Chishiya says, “I can never remember them. I’m beginning to think something did happen to us.”
“It’s just Kuina’s crazy bullshit,” Niragi mumbles, curling up onto a ball on the bed.
“Our hearts stopped and when we woke up we were different people. It’s hard to use logic to explain it, the way we all feel about each other.”
Niragi wonders what Chishiya feels about him, even if the man doesn’t really know how to feel about him; there have to be some feelings.
“Everyone hates you,” Chishiya’s words have Niragi feeling like hiding in a hole and burying himself under the dirt. “But I think you’re doing a decent job at changing our minds about you.”
“I never wanted to change your minds.”
“I know you would’ve given up on whatever change you wanted to make on your own, because you have, and look where that’s brought us. You should be lucky any of us care about you.”
“You don’t care about me,” Niragi doubts that Chishiya cares about him, and while he thinks Usagi and Kuina are trying to get to know him, he’s not close to any of them.
“Well, no, I don’t think I do,” Chishiya’s simple admission makes Niragi feel like shit, “ But I admit I’m a little obsessed. I want to know why you’re better at this than me, so I need to keep you around.”
“Better at what?”
“Feeling.”
“It fucking sucks, trust me.”
“I admit I only feel something impactful when I’m with you, Niragi Suguru. I really hate you, but you’re the most interesting person I’ve ever met.”
“Yeah, well I fucking hate you too,” Niragi says, because the man really does make his skin burn the longer they’re together. He almost blames Chishiya for it, even if it’s most likely just some neurons fucking with him. But it’s just like the way he hears screams in his head, like something really happened, like something really happened between the two of them. “…Do you ever feel like you know things you shouldn’t? Like, like how I know the sound of brains splattering on the wall or someone choking on their own blood.”
“You could have just watched a violent movie.”
“No,” Niragi thinks he sounds seriously crazy, “It’s like I really know it. I hear it in my head and…and everything in my mind feels more real than being here, but you, you make my skin burn here.”
“You make my stomach hurt,” Chishiya says, “Like a gunshot, an aching spot in my left side.”
Niragi is glad Chishiya hurts too, because if they’re the same, then shouldn’t they both be in pain? It only seems fair. It feels like payback, to make the other man hurt for hurting him.
“Don’t tell anyone what I did.”
“I’d rather not have them know I’ll be staying here from now on too, so we’ll keep both things to ourselves.”
From now on? “You’re not fucking staying longer than tonight.”
“I told you that someone has to keep an eye on you, and if you don’t want anyone else to know, then that’s going to be me. You’ll only have to put up with me here until next Saturday when we go on our trip.”
The last thing that Niragi wants to do is go on a trip with everyone, especially in celebration of Heiya’s graduation. He tries not to think of the weird relationship between her and Aguni, but it’s not his place to question it. He respects Aguni, and that hasn’t changed.
“If you’re staying here for a week, then you leave me the hell alone at the lake.”
“If you behave, but I hardly think you’ll try something like this again with everyone around.”
“I’ll literally throw you in the fucking lake and watch you drown,” Niragi threatens, but Chishiya just huffs out a laugh.
“I can swim, you moron.”
Then Niragi will just hold the tiny little rat underneath the water until he runs out of breath, even if he resembles more of a cat than anything, but cats are too cute and the gremlin doesn’t deserve the praise.
“Just-just fucking shut up so I can sleep.”
“It was you who ruined my night,” Chishiya accuses and Niragi is very close to getting down in the ground and strangling him, “I had to leave work, and pretend to be sick.”
“You didn’t have to do that shit. It’s not my fault,” Niragi doesn’t like the odd way he feels knowing Chishiya left work for him, sort of like his stomach is in knots and he wonders if he’ll throw up again.
Chishiya doesn’t respond and he wonders if the man is asleep already, but he knows he won’t be able to in the dark, so he lays there listening to Chishiya’s soft breathing just to know he’s not alone.
He’s really only able to calm his fears once light starts to fill the room from the rising sun, and his exhausted body and mind finally lets him fall asleep.
He wakes up with a gasp, and once again fights the urge to throw up from another nightmare. He–
“You must’ve had quite a horrible dream.”
Niragi turns to find Chishiya laying down on the sleeping mat beneath the extra comforter Niragi keeps in his cupboard for winter. He finds the man on his laptop watching Netflix and messing up his algorithm. He thinks Chishiya has no respect for other people, their space and their things.
He lays back down and just breathes slowly because he really doesn’t want to get sick when Chishiya is here and look even more pitiful than last night.
“It’s interesting how we never remember them,” Chishiya’s voice is irritating when he’s trying to fight back his nausea. “Though mine certainly don’t bring a reaction like that out of me.”
Probably because you didn’t do anything terrible, is Niragi’s first thought, even if it’s completely ridiculous. He shouldn’t be believing Kuina’s fantastical theory.
“You should have something carbonated. It will help settle your stomach,” Chishiya says, sounding very doctorly and it makes Niragi angry because he doesn’t need help. “Do you have anything?”
“There’s cider in the fridge,” Niragi only cooperates because he’ll do anything to ease his queasiness. And he stares up at the ceiling because he knows closing his eyes will just make the room spin.
He has some blissful silence away from the tiny menace, but then Chishiya is sitting on the bed next to him and shoving a bottle of cider into his face.
“Get the fuck off my bed,” Niragi snaps, and sees the amused smirk on Chishiya’s face, realizing the man did it on purpose just to piss him off for the fun of it. “I’m going to strangle you until your windpipe snaps.”
“You really have a way with words,” Chishiya keeps grinning at him, “now drink.”
“You’re not my goddamn doctor,” Niragi grabs the drink and sits up, roughly pushing Chishiya off the bed who stumbles back with a laugh, or as much of a laugh as the listless man manages. Niragi opens the bottle and drinks slowly, thinking that focusing on the carbonation seems to settle him somewhat.
“I think today we’ll focus on putting your things back where they belong.”
“I’m not going to just let you order me around,” Niragi rolls his eyes in annoyance, but that just makes him dizzy.
“Fine, then we can go shopping for Heiya’s present.”
Niragi knows it’s a threat, and wonders if they’ll even go when Chishiya made it clear to Kuina that it was the last thing he wanted to do. Niragi is ready to call Chishiya a liar, and call him out on his bluff, so Niragi does…
It’s sort of ridiculous that they end up in a cute shop in Futako-Tamagawa, because neither wanted to back down from the challenge and it really just ends up pissing them both off as they bicker.
“What about this?”
“A pen?” Niragi stares at the pink pen with a fluffy top and thinks Chishiya is a fucking idiot because why the hell would anyone want that, “Are you stupid?”
“Pens are practical, and it’s pink.”
“Just because she’s a girl doesn’t mean she likes pink. I told you let’s just get her a gift card.”
“There’s no sentimentality with a gift card,” Chishiya puts the pen back in the holder with all the others and picks up a rainbow eraser. Niragi takes it from his hand and puts it back down.
“Neither of us care about her, so who gives a shit? And stop with the stationary!”
Chishiya smirks, and Niragi realizes that the man is teasing him. He fights the urge to shake the man and snarl in that arrogant face. They’re in public, and he’d rather not get arrested.
“Then what would you get her?”
“This is stupid,” Niragi grumbles, because it’s so dumb that they’re doing this, “Let’s just get her one of those sparkly claw clips over there. Her hair is long enough to put up.”
Niragi is pissed because he spends thirty dollars on a sparkling blue hair clip for someone who is meaningless to him, and he’s certain for Chishiya too.
“Make sure you eat all of that.”
Niragi glares at Chishiya who just starts eating, but while he doesn’t want to let the man get away with telling him what to do, he admits his bowl of ramen smells incredible. “Just because you saved my life, doesn’t mean you can order me around.”
“I’m just making sure you don’t do something stupid again. Helping you take care of yourself is the first step,” Chishiya takes a bite of chashu and looks pleased with the flavor.
It’s weird to be cared about, even if it’s done for a selfish reason. It makes him uncomfortable and it’s hard to think it isn’t a trick. He's never been cared about before.
“It’s strange for me too,” Chishiya looks up at him, “Kuina’s affection is odd.”
“I wouldn’t call it you giving me affection,” Niragi chews on a piece of bamboo shoot, irritated that Chishiya reads him so well.
“In my own way.”
“Whatever,” Niragi huffs because everything about Chishiya is strange, and the man aggravates him to no end. He doesn’t understand how any affection is being given when Chishiya doesn’t even like him. “Don’t you have work?”
“I’ll be taking a long holiday.”
“Is that something you can even do?”
“I’ve never taken any days off in my entire career other than the disaster. I think I deserve it.”
“All just to make sure I don’t kill myself? I already told you I won’t,” Niragi seethes when Chishiya just raises an eyebrow in disbelief. It’s annoying because he should be allowed to do whatever the hell he wants. “Just eat your fucking food and shut up.”
Chishiya shrugs like the man doesn’t actually really care, and Niragi just shoves some noodles in mouth angrily. He once again thinks that Chishiya Shuntaro is just a fucking asshole.
And now he has to live with him for a week.
Chapter 5
Notes:
More angst and back and forth between Nishiya. And Niragi had some time with the girls. Lots of fun to be had in the next chapters before they return 😩
Chapter Text
Chapter 5
“Are you just going to walk around with your hair dripping everywhere?”
“It’s my fucking house. A-and don’t eat on my couch!” Niragi snaps at Chishiya, who lazily eats an ice cream cone while laying back on the black pillows. He’ll seriously kill the twerp if any of the milky strawberry drops onto the fabric, and he thinks they’ve only been living together for one day, but he’s already ready to kick Chishiya out. “Stop staring at me.”
Niragi knows he’s not appealing to look at, but that doesn’t mean Chishiya has a right to judge him. It makes his skin feel like it’s burning with the way those feline eyes trace the contours of his body.
“You know I don’t care about your burns. I work in medicine and I’ve seen worse…but you could probably go to the gym.” Chishiya licks the ice cream and Niragi’s left eye twitches.
“I’m tempted to just hit you instead of a punching bag,” Niragi seethes at the man’s smirk, and it’s ridiculous how inferior he feels. He gets in Chishiya’s face with a sneer, “You feel like a big man looking down on me?”
“You’re so stupid,” Chishiya says and Niragi resists strangling the man, “I wouldn’t be wasting my time here if I did. Now what’s for dinner?”
It’s only now that Niragi remembers he’s supposed to cook with Usagi today, and he doesn’t know how to explain Chishiya being in his house. “I’ll feed you if you go to my room and don’t come out.”
“That feels like a punishment for helping you put all your things back. Why are you trying to hide me?”
“Can you just fucking listen, you goddamn menace?”
“Then I’d like something in return,” Chishiya thinks for a moment and Niragi dreads what it’s going to be. “I still need to get my things for the rest of the week. I don’t want you to do anything stupid.”
“That’s all you want?” Niragi asks, confused, and Chishiya just shrugs.
“I can’t have you dying on me just yet.”
Niragi rolls his eyes and resists laughing because this guy is seriously ridiculous. He knows Chishiya doesn’t really care about him, and it’s purely selfish reasons to figure out why the man is so interested in him– to find out what this connection is.
“Then come back at eight, and I guarantee you I’ll be breathing.”
“Don’t be so bossy,” Chishiya finishes his ice cream and fully reclines on the couch, and Niragi thinks the man must be a hypocrite. Chishiya watches him with sharp eyes as Niragi sits in the armchair.
“What the fuck are you looking at?”
“Just trying to figure this out,” Chishiya sounds frustrated, “My stomach hurts.”
“Yeah, well my skin burns,” Niragi snaps, “I thought we agreed not to look at each other.”
“It doesn’t matter if I’m not looking at you. Just being near you is painful.”
“I don’t know what you want me to do about that,” Niragi crosses his arms in annoyance and feels the way his skin is tight. It’s incredibly uncomfortable and he still isn’t used to it. “Go ask Kuina if you’re so curious.”
“I already know what she’ll say.”
“You really think we connected during those minutes our hearts stopped. You’re an idiot,” Niragi sighs, “It doesn’t matter. I could care less what you think.”
Chishiya just turns on the couch to face the cushions and Niragi sighs– what a fucking baby. He still takes delight in hoping the man is upset, because he doesn’t think it’s fair that Chishiya gets to be happy when he’s not. It’s just another strange thought and feeling inside of him that justifies his hatred.
“Don’t fucking fall asleep. You need to leave soon.”
Chishiya doesn’t respond and Niragi barely resists dragging the man off the couch by that silvery hair. He guesses he can let the gremlin sleep for a little while, and save him the insufferable task of having to talk to each other.
Niragi leans back in the chair and stares up at the ceiling, wondering how this is his life now. He was perfectly fine being a heartless asshole and having no friends, but now he’s an emotional wreck and people won’t leave him the fuck alone. He can feel the buzzing of his phone in his pocket and hates Chishiya for making him rejoin the group chat.
He wants answers, but he’s also not sure if he actually does. His disfigured skin burns just knowing that Chishiya is here and it’s completely irrational but he blames the man for it, even if he was just next to a gas leak that caught fire when he was buried under the rubble. He needs to know why he feels so strongly for Chishiya that it aches, a simmering hatred that lights him up inside and makes him think horribly violent thoughts that make him sick. He’s never hated anyone like this before– not even his bullies, because he was more terrified of them in his pathetically weak state. His trauma made him angry, but any fear outweighed his ability to hate.
He knows he really doesn’t like Arisu, Usagi makes him sick, and he finds Kuina and Ann irritating, while he has some weird respect for Aguni, but Chishiya is different. He hates the man across from him– such a tiny, breakable thing that Niragi wants to ruin the way he’s been ruined.
Niragi doesn’t like having such violent thoughts. He’s never hurt anyone because he knows what it feels like, and he knows that it’s horrible.
Niragi watches the way Chishiya’s shoulder rises and falls as he breathes deeply, and maybe he’s actually asleep. It’s astounding to Niragi that he can fall asleep here when it’s been established that they hate each other. Chishiya trusts Niragi not to hurt him and it’s ridiculous that that feels profound.
He decides to do laundry just to do something other than stare at Chishiya and overthink. Usagi will be over in a few hours, so he has to make sure the man leaves by then.
It’s quickly realized that laundry still has him trying to find something to do. So he takes to cleaning– dusting, wiping down glass and windows, scrubbing the tub and sinks. The time passes faster with something to focus on, and it’s soon five in the afternoon.
“Hey,” Niragi says, poking Chishiya in the shoulder harshly, “Wake up, brat.”
Chishiya grumbles, “Don’t touch me.” He turns over and blinks lazily up at Niragi with messy hair and a mark from the pillow on his cheek. It makes Niragi feel weird, so he looks away.
“You need to leave.”
“I wouldn’t want to intrude on your date.”
Niragi huffs in annoyance, “It’s just Usagi. We’re cooking dinner.”
“That’s adorable,” Chishiya says, but it sounds like he’s being made fun of and he resists shaking the man like a rag doll.
“Just get the fuck out, Chishiya.”
Chishiya stands up tiredly, looking pissed at having been woken up from his midday nap like some dumb, lazy cat. The man is too close to Niragi as their chests brush, and their eyes meet with an intensity that has Niragi wanting to burst like a supernova.
“You look like you want to hurt me.”
“I do,” Niragi says honestly, watching with irritation as Chishiya’s smirks.
“I want to hurt you too. We’re too similar to both exist here.”
“I already said I’m nothing like you.”
“I see myself in you. Don’t you see yourself in me?” Chishiya places a hand on Niragi’s chest, over his beating heart, and he tenses, “We’d be no different if these didn’t exist.”
“That’s bullshit. You like Kuina–“
“She’s my best friend. I like her, but that means very little.”
Niragi thinks Chishiya is fucking cold, and maybe he is too, but with him it’s more self hatred that prevents him from caring about others, while the man is empty inside. Niragi pushes his feelings down, but Chishiya has none, except perhaps, hatred for him. He sneers, glaring into feline eyes, “So what, you need me?”
“It’s exhilarating,” Chishiya’s hand is warm on his chest, and Niragi feels like he’s on fire. “All the things I want come from you.”
“I know you wanted to change, but you can’t,” Niragi says, “I don’t know why you think I did.” He’s just weak like when he was young. He didn’t change; he just regressed.
“But we did, didn’t we? We want things now,” Chishiya’s fingers spread out on his chest, “We want to change. We want friends. We want life.”
“I don’t understand how us hating each other is going to give us those things,” Niragi wonders if he really wants life when he tried to slit his wrists last night.
“It’s my first feeling…at least anything impactful, so maybe I can feel other things now. We’ve been numb for too long, Niragi Suguru.”
Niragi doesn’t like Chishiya saying his name, so he steps back until the man can no longer touch him. “You need to leave before Usagi comes.”
He’s sick of having these conversations with Chishiya. It’s like all they do is just say the same things over and over again trying to convince themselves that their lives can change for the better. There is no better for Niragi.
He’s glad that Chishiya leaves quickly after because Usagi shows up only half an hour later with a bag of groceries.
“Hi, Niragi,” Usagi smiles at him and he wonders if she means it. He just knows it’s a big deal that she trusts him enough to be alone together.
“Hey,” he still doesn’t like to look at her, but he still tries to smile even if her eyes drop to his lips and he’s immediately self conscious when he feels his tongue swipe out a few times.
“I thought we could do something simple. Does tempura donburi sound good?”
“Yeah, anything you want,” Niragi lets her into the house before closing the door and following her to the kitchen. He’s incredibly uncomfortable being around her, and he stays at a distance as Usagi takes out all the ingredients from the grocery bag.
“You’ll have to stand close to me to do this,” she glances over at him with a smile, and he once again wonders if it’s genuine.
“I’ve never tried frying anything before.”
“It’s really not that difficult. I’ll teach you.”
So he follows her instructions obediently, and it’s not as difficult to cook with her guiding him through the process. He does burn himself with some grease on his forearm, but he’s already burnt on one side of his body, so he doesn’t really care.
“Is it good?”
Niragi finishes eating a tempura onion and nods, “Yeah, I think I could do it again without you.” He’ll have to, because he promised Chishiya dinner and he doesn’t want to deal with the man being a little bitch.
Usagi stares at him, eyes narrowing and he feels like hiding in a hole. She frowns, “I’m not sure how to feel about you.”
“It’s fine. I know you don’t like me.”
She shakes her head, “It’s like a survival instinct– to want to stay away from you, but it’s hard to follow that when you’re not what I’m supposed to think you are…maybe Kuina was right.”
Niragi thinks it’s just another weird fucking thing, and he blames Kuina for getting her crazy theory into their heads. He runs a hand down his face in exhaustion, “Well we’re never going to find out, so we should just let it go.”
He doesn’t want to know the monster he became, because he’s certain there was nothing good about him during the time his heart stopped.
“Arisu thinks the more time we spend together, then maybe we’ll remember something.”
He doesn’t want anyone to remember something about him…it will only ruin any chances of him having friends, not that he wants them when he doesn’t deserve them.
“You didn’t come to rock climbing.”
“Is that something you do often?” Niragi asks, because he thinks Usagi is clearly physically fit. It’s just a reminder he needs to start going back to the gym.
“My father was a professional and he took me with him most of the time,” Usagi has a sadness in her eyes that makes him unsure what to say. He’s never known how to comfort people, because he doesn’t even know how to comfort himself. “Everyone had fun. You should come next time.”
“I won’t be any good at it. I’m better at hitting a punching bag.”
“I guess it’s a good skill to know how to defend yourself.”
“It’s better than letting someone hurt you first,” Niragi says it without thinking, and dislikes the way she stares at him with pity. He doesn’t like to feel weak, and just knows he’s been a coward for all these years treating women like shit just to give him a little power.
It has nothing to do with him trying to convince himself that he’s not g– He focuses on something else, staring down at his food with little appetite.
“It hasn’t been easy for you,” Usagi’s voice is soft, “Life can hurt. I know that firsthand.”
“It’s just life,” Niragi shrugs, because what else can really be done about it.
“It doesn’t have to be…not now,” she smiles at him and he feels like he doesn’t deserve her kindness.
Niragi is sick of all this emotional bullshit with everyone, because maybe he thought he could have friends, but he just wants to be left alone again now. It’s infuriating that no one will leave him be.
“It’s easier to go back to where we were before the disaster,” Usagi says, and Niragi’s eyes flicker up towards her, “It’s harder to take the next steps.”
“It’s pointless,” he mumbles, because these nightmares are pulling him down deeper into despair, a darkness he hasn’t felt for years. He hated himself before, but not like this.
“It’s only pointless because you–“
“Do you dream of death?” Niragi asks, glaring harshly, “Of pain and suffering? If Kuina is right, then I was the cause of that. I probably hurt you, and that’s why you make me feel sick.”
“You feel sick because you regret it.”
Niragi doesn’t think she understands, “It doesn’t matter if I feel guilty. It happened and– this is fucking crazy. There’s no logical explanation for this. If we believe we…went somewhere, then maybe we all need to go to an asylum.”
“Niragi–“
“I’m not a good person, Usagi. Maybe I was once, but not anymore.” He remembers Chishiya talking about death on their hands. The man had said Niragi doesn’t know what it’s like…but now he’s not so sure. “I-I never wanted to hurt people before, but now it’s this-this thrill when I think about it.” He’s imagined his bullies suffering, his father suffering, but he never wanted to be the one to inflict it. He never wanted to be like them. “Why the fuck are you all so interested in keeping me around?”
“Out of all of us you’re the only one that's alone. I don’t think you deserve that.”
Niragi thinks she’s too kind, and he’s never met someone as caring as her. He doesn’t know what to say to that, so he doesn’t say anything at all, but he’s always thought he was alone for a reason.
He looks at the clock on the wall and then back down at his half eaten food. He’d like to make her leave, but he doesn’t want to be rude. He should probably finish the food she taught him how to make, but he has no appetite.
“You’re being too hard on yourself,” Usagi says, “The girls and I are hanging out tonight. You should join us.”
Niragi immediately feels defensive, because why the fuck does she want him to go out with them– a bunch of girls. He wonders if she thinks he’s gay or something, and he wonders where they want to go when so much of Tokyo is destroyed. “I’m not gay.”
“You don’t have to be gay to hang out with us,” Usagi laughs gently, but he doesn’t feel like he’s being made fun of.
He remembers that Chishiya is staying at his house, and doesn’t want to leave the man alone to snoop around, even if he doesn’t have anything to hide. “Maybe next time.”
“It’s just at my house,” Usagi explains, and that sounds much easier than committing to going out somewhere. “We’ll have fun.”
“Fucking fine,” Niragi is annoyed that he’s going with hardly any convincing. He just doesn’t want to upset Usagi. “I have some shit to do, but I’ll be over at nine.”
It’s what leads him here, as Niragi tries not to think about Chishiya alone in his house, but at least the man is satisfied with the dinner he made before he left. He sits on Usagi’s floor glaring at Kuina for painting his nails. “I told you–“
“We literally don’t care about your toxic masculinity,” Kuina says, “It’s 2024, Niragi, and men can wear nail polish.”
“I just don’t understand why none of the other guys are here,” Niragi stares at the paint that coats his nails and is relieved that it’s black at least.
“Because you need the most attention,” Ann lays on the couch and watches the two of them, “It’s obvious you’re trying to avoid us.”
“Well I’m here, so clearly I’m not.”
“But you don’t want to be,” Usagi points out, placing a tray of sodas on the coffee table, and she takes a seat on the couch by Ann’s feet.
“You’re sort of sweet,” Kuina says, very careful with the way she applies the polish, “It’s sad to think something happened to you to make you like this.”
“Like what?” Niragi eyes her nervously, because he’s wondering if it was planned to have him here.
“Self conscious, angry, mean,” Kuina frowns, “Lonely.”
“I’m not going to dump my life story on all of you.”
“We just want to know you better,” Ann narrows her eyes at him, “We need to know you better to undo all this irrational dislike.”
“I had a shitty home life and a shitty school life and just a shitty life. It’s nothing out of the ordinary,” Niragi doesn’t think he needs to go into details, because he’s never opened up about it to anyone.
“My father used to hit me,” Kuina doesn’t look at him when she speaks, “It’s something that lasts, no matter how much you move on from it.”
“Feeling sorry for yourself doesn’t do anything,” Niragi thinks he probably would’ve given up as a teenager if he felt sorry for himself. It only made him bitter at the world, and even if he felt he deserved it, he didn’t wallow in it. It was just a simple fact that he never questioned.
“It doesn’t hurt to have a little sympathy for ourselves,” Usagi looks quite cute in her big fluffy hoodie, “No one deserves something like that.”
“If you want to believe my past is justification for the person I am now, then sure,” Niragi shrugs, “It doesn’t mean that being a shitty person is okay. I just fucking suck like the people that fucked me up.”
“That’s why we’re giving you a chance,” Ann says, “You’re remorseful.”
Niragi sighs heavily, “I’m fucking tired of talking about this. Can’t we just focus on something else?”
“Then how about we talk about Usagi’s date with Arisu?” Kuina has a grin on her face and Niragi thinks it’s not really that exciting.
“It’s like we’ve passed all the awkward phases. We’re so comfortable together,” Usagi has a lovesick smile on her face and Niragi wonders what it's like to be cared about like that.
“Ann and I already slept together,” Kuina says casually, and Niragi doesn’t understand how she’s so open about sleeping with a woman. He doesn’t give a shit if people are gay, but he would keep quiet about it.
“A few times,” Ann smirks, and Niragi seriously has nothing to say about that.
“We haven’t yet,” Usagi’s cheeks are pink, and Niragi never had any interest in sex. It has him feeling nauseous just at the thought.
“I’m sure you will soon,” Kuina inspects his nails carefully, “I think we need some glitter.”
“Kuina,” Niragi warns, voice simmering with anger, but she only rolls her eyes.
“Fine, fine,” she lets go of his hand with a pout, “You’re no fun.”
He thinks he’s been perfectly fun by letting her paint his nails in the first place. It was either this or braiding his hair, and that would’ve required her to touch him much more intimately.
He wonders if Chishiya is going to be an ass about it, because he’ll take the man’s mattress away and force the gremlin to sleep on the floor.
“Do you have a partner, Niragi?”
Niragi shakes his head, very aware that Usagi says partner and not girlfriend. It has him wanting to strike, smack her across the face until she bleeds and it’s that thought that has him queasy, “No.”
“Neither does Chi,” Kuina says, but Niragi could care less about him, “You two are the only ones that don’t have anyone, and even if Aguni won’t touch Heiya with a twelve foot pole, they’re still together.”
“Just because everyone else has paired up, doesn’t mean that that idiot and I need to– I don’t like men,” he snaps at her.
“Don’t push him, Hikari,” Ann has a warning in her voice and it just makes Niragi feel anxious because what the hell are they seeing in him, and is it the same thing that almost got him killed all those years ago…
“Sorry, Niragi,” Kuina does actually look remorseful, “I just think you and Chi look good together.”
“Yeah well the fa–“
Niragi’s eyes go wide at the slap to his cheek and he stares at Kuina in surprise who has a furious expression on her face, “If you want to be our friend then you don’t talk like that.”
Niragi doesn’t say anything, cheek stinging as everyone holds their breath just waiting for him to lose his temper. Instead he swallows thickly, and grits his teeth, “sorry.”
“We don’t put others down for who they’re attracted to,” Ann says coldly, and Niragi thinks he should make it clear that he doesn’t care if other people are, just that he can’t be.
“I don’t give a shit alright, but I’m not.”
“Just paint my nails now. And don’t do a bad job,” Kuina threatens him by raising her hand and it just has him smirking at her fiery attitude. It’s been a while since he’s been hit, but he really can’t blame her, especially for using a word like that in front of her and Ann.
“Arisu is worried that Niragi is here,” Usagi looks down at her phone and he understands the man’s concern.
“Yeah well tell him that Hikari just hit him,” Ann says, and they all laugh loudly, while Niragi grumbles about annoying women.
He takes Kuina’s hand and carefully applies the yellow polish, feeling strange to be touching another person for so long. He’s always been uncertain about how he feels when he touches someone, because his only encounters were only ever unenthusiastic sex or violence. This just feels sweet and foreign.
It makes him think of Chishiya’s hand on his chest, and the way it made his body heat up. He supposes the man is right; it’s exhilarating between them. And this doesn’t feel like that, but it’s just as stimulating. He kind of doesn’t want it to end.
“Do you think I’m unloveable?” Niragi asks quietly, but he knows they hear him.
“I don’t think you’ve given yourself the chance to be anything but that,” Usagi keeps her tone soft, especially when he already feels so defensive at having asked such a vulnerable question.
He can’t say that Usagi is wrong, because she is actually exactly right. He’s never even attempted to form relationships, because he just knows it won’t work, not for someone like him.
“I spent too long hating myself, Niragi,” Kuina’s hand is soft in his, “It won’t get you anywhere.”
“It was just a dumb question,” Niragi mumbles, because he’s embarrassed to have even asked it.
“It’s not dumb to want to be loved,” Ann says, “We’re humans; we crave it.”
It’s completely unexpected, when Kuina pulls him into a hug, and it has him feeling ready to bolt, but she’s warm and smells like lemons and he melts into the embrace. Niragi doesn’t think he can remember ever being touched like this, and he feels a bit choked up.
“You’re going to mess up your nails,” Niragi says weakly into Kuina’s mass of hair, and she laughs brightly.
She pulls away and inspects her hands, smeared yellow that he thinks must be on his shirt now. “It can always be fixed, right?”
Niragi is positive that she’s not talking about the nail polish, and he glances at the other women– Usagi smiling down at her phone and Ann drinking one of the sodas. They all want him here; he’s wanted. He kind of doesn’t want to fuck it up now.
Niragi looks back over at Kuina’s smiling face and nods, “Right.”
Chapter 6
Notes:
I’m back 💗💗💗💗
I made a bunch of playlists. Check em out💗
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1T1eAITwMJY1mBZMrJDCtu?si=J3cvaUuDQImHwbgXjxkdSw&pi=u-eTK8dOnwSzm_
Chapter Text
Chapter 6
It’s only the second day of living together and each minute it’s confirmed that Chishiya Shuntaro is a pain in the ass.
“You really shouldn’t be drinking so much orange juice. It’s high in sugar.”
Niragi takes a sip of his drink, eyes narrowing at the blonde in annoyance, “And you should really shut up.”
Chishiya is unfazed by him, “It’s completely unhealthy to have three cups of juice in a span of twenty minutes, especially on an empty stomach.”
“Then why don’t you fucking cook something for me,” Niragi challenges, because he’s sure it’s going to make the brat shut the hell up, but it’s to his surprise when Chishiya gets up off the couch and walks into the kitchen to rummage around in the refrigerator. Niragi seriously didn’t think the man would actually cook for him. It’s fucking ridiculous.
“You let the girls paint your nails?” Chishiya asks, as he grabs a pack of sausage and a carton of eggs to place on the counter. Niragi watches as he pulls out a pan from the drawer and places it on the stove.
“What about it?” Niragi feels defensive, because he doesn’t need Chishiya thinking he’s gay or something.
“It’s more me being relieved that I’m not the only one.”
“Your nails aren’t painted.”
“Yes they are,” Chishiya turns on the stove and places the sausages onto the pan. Niragi listens to the sizzle and it slightly distracts him before his eyes narrow. He stares at Chishiya’s hands, and finds that, just as he already knew, the man’s fingernails are free of polish.
“No they’re not,” Niragi argues, because he can clearly see that Chishiya has no nail polish on his fingers.
Chishiya shakes his head softly, almost like he’s completely over Niragi, which is just fucking infuriating. “You’re honestly a moron.”
Niragi would honestly just like to bash in Chishiya’s head with the pan, but he keeps that thought to himself and fights the simmering urge to inflict pain. “I’m not a moron, you idiot.”
“My feet, moron.” Chishiya turns to face him as he sits on the couch, and Niragi ignores that he’s just been called a moron again, eyes trailing down the man’s petite body to see, much to his delight, bright pink polish on each toe.
Niragi cackles, because it’s seriously fucking hilarious and honestly way worse than some black polish on his fingernails. “Totally adorable, princess.”
Chishiya’s face twists into a scowl, and he immediately puts his focus back onto the food while Niragi continues to laugh– not just for the pink polish, but the new emotion on the man’s face. It’s goddamn funny as fuck. “Come on, princess, don’t be a little bitch about it.”
“If you call me that again I’ll claw your face off,” Chishiya hisses out, looking at him with narrowed eyes and a surprising sneer. He hates to admit that he’s intimidated by this uncharacteristically vivid display of emotion, but at least when it comes to Chishiya trying to get physical, that’s seriously laughable.
“Prinnnncessss,” Niragi taunts, because it’s now his favorite thing to do– aggravate Chishiya Shuntaro. It’s really just revenge for how the man treats him.
It’s like Niragi can see steam coming out of Chishiya’s ears as his face turns a bit red, and it’s addicting to see. His jaw clenches and Niragi thinks he might actually try to fight him, but then he practically deflates, and focuses back on the food. It’s such a sudden shift in mood that it gives Niragi whiplash.
He sort of thinks he should feel bad now.
“It’s only you,” Chishiya says quietly, but Niragi still hears it, and watches as he pokes at the sausages with a spatula, before cracking some eggs into the pan as well.
“It’s only me?” Niragi hates when it feels like shits about to get all deep and full of feelings again. It’s honestly a little tiring, but Chishiya seems to like to bring shit like this up.
“I’ve already told you. You bring out the worst in me, all these….” Chishiya doesn’t seem like he knows exactly what to say, which doesn’t seem like the man at all.
“Emotions?” Niragi asks, because he’s pretty sure the man is just having a crisis at having been so openly emotional. Niragi lets out an unattractive snort, “Isn’t this what you wanted? Maybe I’ll call you princess more.”
He sees the shift in the muscles of Chishiya’s jaw, and Niragi wonders what exactly the nickname makes the man feel, because it clearly sparks anger. Niragi could be nice and not instigate, but he’s just come to the conclusion that he can’t be nice when it comes to Chishiya Shuntaro. He likes seeing the blooming rage in those sharp eyes.
“It’s at least good to know I’m not the only one treated like…this,” Chishiya tucks some hair behind his ear, but Niragi can still see the slight grin on his face. He’s trying to piss Niragi off now.
It’s almost as easy as breathing– to take the bait– but Niragi resists humoring the man by snapping back. He doesn’t want to give Chishiya the satisfaction if he can win this interaction now.
Chishiya isn’t outwardly showing it, but Niragi just knows the man is irritated that he didn’t lash out at the insinuation of being treated like a– he thinks of Kuina’s anger. He’d like to give her less reasons to dislike him. That still doesn’t mean he wants to swap spit with the man across from him, or anyone else with a fucking dick. It’s just goddamn black nail polish.
He narrows his eyes as he watches Chishiya cook, and isn’t sure if he’s unbothered that they know nothing about each other.
But still, Niragi’s skin feels like it’s being peeled off just by tracing the gentle curve of Chishiya’s nose with his eyes. He doesn’t think it matters that he knows so little about the man.
“Are you actually fucking gay?”
Chishiya glances over at him, eyebrow raised and looking unimpressed that that’s what Niragi finally decides to say. The man turns off the stove, “If I was?”
It’s like he told Kuina; he doesn’t give a fuck. Niragi just shrugs, “If me calling you princess pisses you the fuck off so much, then you’re either insecure and straight or insecure and in the closet.”
“I’ve never been attracted to anyone before. I wouldn’t know my sexuality.”
Niragi’s face scrunches up in confusion, “You've never been into anyone?”
“Humans are all the same, boring and predictable. Why would I ever find interest in that?”
“You’re a goddamn alien or some shit,” Niragi grumbles to himself, and runs a hand through his hair in disbelief. “There’s something seriously wrong with you.”
“Kuina seems insistent on helping me meet someone,” Chishiya grabs some plates from the cupboard.
Niragi doesn’t really like the sound of that, because he doesn’t think anyone should be subjected to the intolerable man. Besides, Chishiya is too busy aggravating Niragi to date someone anyways.
“If you spill on my couch I’ll murder you,” Niragi threatens, as Chishiya walks over and hands him a plate of sausages and eggs. The man sits down beside him and he resists kicking Chishiya off the couch to sit away from him in the armchair instead.
“I’ve often been told I’m very beautiful,” Chishiya says, breaking the yolk of one of the eggs on his place with his fork. Niragi’s eyes roll in annoyance, because it’s already obvious he has a large ego. “I’m not a woman, Niragi.”
“I wouldn’t think you’d be so shallow to be so insecure in your masculinity.” Not like me, Niragi thinks, but doesn’t say.
“I’m much better than you,” Chishiya stares him down and it just makes Niragi seethe.
“Sure, princess, keep telling yourself that,” Niragi smiles, all teeth, because if Chishiya is going to be all high and mighty over him, then he’s going to do whatever he can to drag the man back down below him.
“You call me that in front of anyone and I’ll give you another shard of glass,” Chishiya’s voice has a warning bite to it and it’s exhilarating. Niragi hopes he can push more anger out of the man during their time living together.
Niragi starts eating, and doesn’t even say thank you. He knows it’s rude, but it wouldn’t be natural if he tried to show his appreciation. They communicate through hate, and he’s perfectly content with that. He gets everything else from the others– the good emotions. Although it’s not as invigorating as this.
It’s silent for a while, as Niragi finishes his food. It’s not peaceful, not with the gremlin beside him, but it’s nice not to be alone. He peeks out of the corner of his eye and notices Chishiya staring at him, food hardly touched. “What?”
“What’s on your stomach? There’s something there, when you were changing this morning.”
Niragi freezes, fingers wrapped so tightly around his fork that he’s surprised the metal doesn’t bend, lip curling, “Why the hell were you spying on me you little creep?”
“I left my phone in the bedroom. I wasn’t watching you,” Chishiya doesn’t seem to care that it’s glaringly obvious Niragi might completely lose it. “What’s on your stomach?”
If the idiot didn’t have a plate of food, then Niragi would grab him and strangle him until his windpipe cracks. “There’s nothing on my stomach. You’re delusional.”
Chishiya doesn’t look like he believes Niragi, but seems to have the common sense to drop it, instead swapping his full plate for Niragi’s empty one, “Eat more. You’re clearly not eating enough.”
“You’re annoying as fuck,” Niragi stabs at a piece of egg angrily and brings it to his mouth, chewing slowly. “We’re going to kill each other if we sit here all day.”
“So then what are you suggesting?” Chishiya puts the empty plate on the coffee table, adjusting himself on the couch to sit cross legged.
“I’m going to the gym. You can do whatever you want.” Niragi is pretty sure he feels well enough now to hit a punching bag for a few hours. He hates not only feeling, but seeing, that he’s gotten weaker.
“I’ll go to Kuina’s then. She wanted to have lunch anyways,” Chishiya leans back on the couch and melts into the cushion. He’s seriously lazy and it’s not what Niragi would’ve expected of him.
“But now you’re taking a nap,” Niragi doesn’t say it like a question, because the man’s eyes are already closed.
“Move so I can lay down.”
“You’re a royal pain, princess,” Niragi enjoys the fearsome glare on Chishiya’s face, eyes opening just to stare at him hatefully.
Chishiya doesn’t say anything, just choosing to curl up on the couch, toes barely touching Niragi’s thigh. But it’s still more touch than he’s comfortable with, especially from this brat.
He eats quickly, but washes the dishes slowly. He’s not in a rush to do anything, and if he’s honest he doesn’t feel particularly comfortable going out in public with his burns. He’s not going to tell anyone that, but he thinks they all already know.
So Niragi stands in front of the mirror, shirt in his hand as he stares in the mirror at the words clearly carved into his stomach: FAG
He’s relieved that Chishiya didn’t have a proper look at the scar, because he’s not sure how he’d explain it. He doesn’t want any fucking pity when the man would most likely just enjoy seeing more physical embodiments of his suffering.
Niragi never gave anyone a reason to think he likes men, but somehow it’s the conclusion everyone comes to. He can fuck as many women as he wants, but he can never escape it. And it’s not fucking true.
He changes quickly after that, because there’s no point in crying about it like some bitch.
Chishiya is sleeping on the couch when Niragi walks out of the bedroom and can’t help thinking the man looks so young like this, walking over quietly to stare down at him, noticing the mess of silvery blonde hair that halos around his head. He looks soft and delicate without that infuriating haughty expression and cocky attitude, almost like he isn’t a complete pain in the ass.
Niragi frowns. It’s not fair that Chishiya gets to be so peaceful.
The man lets out a slow, deep breath, and Niragi watches as his chest deflates, pink lips parting slightly. He turns sleepily, pressing his face into the cushion and curling up into a ball with a shiver. It’s not even fucking cold in the house, but Niragi still grabs the blanket hanging over the back of the couch to drape over him. Such a fucking annoying bitch.
And it still feels so weird to leave Chishiya in his house alone, but Niragi has been itching to let out some tension…but he won’t admit that he’s scared he won’t be able to stop the minute he lands the first hit.
He’s unsure if people are staring at him or if he’s just paranoid, as he walks through the streets of his neighborhood, thankfully unaffected by the meteorite. He doesn’t want to say he’s lucky, because he doesn’t deserve it, but as he sees an old couple walking hand in hand, he admits he’s relieved they survived and hopes their home is intact.
But there is a child very obviously staring at him once he gets on the train. Thankfully it’s only one stop to the gym, because he doesn’t want to wonder what she thinks of him– if she thinks he’s frightening. If she’ll whisper to her mother asking why he looks like this.
He doesn’t run out of the train, but it’s close. And he’s able to get to the gym without any other children staring at him with wide eyes.
And when he finally stands in front of one of the punching bags, he’s not sure how to start.
The first hit is hesitant, but he admits there’s a slight rush to it, and in his mind he sees blood. It’s just as terrifying as it is exhilarating.
Niragi hits a little harder, and thinks he can hear the sound of a nose breaking– the crack loud in his ears. It’s not as worrying as it should be, because he’s had his nose broken more than enough. But knowing what it feels like to break someone else’s face is a new experience.
He hits the bag again, a few punches in quick succession. It’s unsatisfying, because it doesn’t feel cruel enough– Niragi doesn’t hurt people, but he really wants to now. He has to stop.
He steps away like he’ll get burned again, flashes of bloody bodies in his head. He starts to feel sick and like he might just throw up all over the floor or pass out or cry or all of it.
He backs up until he hits the wall, and he slides down onto the floor, not caring if anyone is watching. It’s already been established that he’s pathetic again.
Niragi stares down at his hands, and for a split second they’re covered in blood. He thinks he’s seriously going crazy and shakes his head because Kuina is wrong. Nothing fucking happened; he just died– that’s it.
He manages to stand up on shaky legs after a few minutes of trying to suppress his panic, and he decides to stay away from trying to hit anything. It’s not his favorite thing to do, but he lifts some weights instead– just something to distract him from spiraling into insane theories.
But he doesn’t stay at the gym very long. He’s too jittery to keep proper form or focus enough so he doesn’t injure himself. And when he gets back home, Chishiya isn’t there, so he can just sit on the couch with his head in his hands.
He hears screaming. He tastes blood. He feels bones cracking in his hands and the recoil of a gun against his shoulder.
“It’s not real.” His voice is shaky and his palms feel slightly wet as they’re pressed up against his face.
Niragi wonders if it’s this difficult for everyone else, but it certainly doesn’t seem like Chishiya is struggling. He’s never asked any of them, and he knows that they aren’t even aware of what’s been happening to him.
It’s like there’s something else living inside of him– vile and dangerous– threatening to take control of him. It’s angry and poisonous, the way it spreads through his bloodstream and seems to infect him. He doesn’t want it to take hold of him.
It’s the way he wanted to snap Chishiya’s windpipe this morning. He’s never had thoughts like these before.
“Bullshit,” he mumbles, “It’s such bullshit.”
The only reasonable explanation is that he really is going crazy. It has to be that.
He lays down on the couch, practically suffocating himself with the blanket as he lays face down on the cushions. It smells like Chishiya’s purple shampoo– apples– and that just pisses him off. The reminder that he’s being babysat by this twerp is enough to have him releasing an angry shout into the fabric. Can’t he just fall apart in peace, and not be some experiment for a sociopath to try and feel something real?
He doesn’t know how long he lays there, but then he hears the door open and he groans because he seriously doesn’t want to deal with the brat.
“Did you even shower before laying on the couch.”
“I didn’t sweat,” Niragi’s voice is muffled by the blanket, but he’s clearly irritated. “It’s my fucking house.”
“What’s wrong?” Chishiya doesn’t sound like he cares at all, so Niragi wonders why he’s even asking.
“Fuck off,” Niragi turns his head slightly, so he can look at Chishiya, glaring at the man with one eye.
“You’ve been crying.”
Niragi was trying not to acknowledge the wet blanket, but knows his eyes are likely red rimmed. It’s fucking embarrassing to being caught like this by Chishiya, wondering what the man thinks of him. “And?”
“Are you alright?”
Chishiya’s words have Niragi’s anger dropping, because he doesn’t understand what the purpose of this question is. Is the man planning to mock him, make him feel inferior, or is it genuine concern?
Niragi turns completely, staring up at Chishiya who’s looking down at him with a blank expression. “You don’t care.”
“The way Kuina talks about Ann is interesting.”
Niragi’s face scrunches up in confusion, because what the hell is he talking about. “Who fucking cares?”
Chishiya grins, and it’s clear he’s amused by Niragi, which is just annoying. “I find affection a foreign concept. I don’t understand how one can put someone else’s interest over their own.” He peers down at Niragi, eyes narrowing, “I hate to admit that I care about your wellbeing. How am I supposed to find answers if you can’t take care of yourself? It’s completely ridiculous that I have to monitor you.”
Niragi huffs out a laugh, because Chishiya definitely doesn’t care about him. The man just wants to keep him alive for selfish reasons…but he sort of hates how it spreads a little warmth inside of him, because all these people want him in their lives. He’s never had friends before– not that Chishiya is one, but maybe the girls are.
“Don’t worry, princess. I’m not going anywhere.”
Chishiya’s left eye twitches and it makes Niragi want to laugh because it’s wonderful that he now knows exactly what to do to see emotion on that normally apathetic face.
“Just take a shower,” Chishiya walks away, and Niragi just knows he’s pissed. It’s wonderful.
He doesn’t move, because it’s his house and he’ll do whatever he wants. It has nothing to do with wanting to anger Chishiya even more, as Niragi keeps his eyes on the spinning fan on the ceiling and ignores the pounding in his head that sounds like gunshots. He’s definitely going insane.
He doesn’t comment on the man coming back into the room and closing the blinds to wrap the room in a soothing darkness. It’s a kindness that means nothing, as Niragi smells apples that cuts through the taste of blood in his mouth, covers up the scent of iron. He blinks a few times from the moment of peace, eyes feeling heavy, exhausted just from being awake in his own head…but he’s not so sure being trapped in nightmares is any better.
“Just relax.”
He looks over to see Chishiya sitting in the armchair, typing on his laptop. Niragi really shouldn’t be surprised by the man’s lack of respect for his things. And he doesn't have it in him to pick a fight.
Instead he turns his back to the man, but is still tense with the feeling of eyes on him. He wonders what Chishiya thinks of him, and still doesn’t know what there is to think.
Niragi always prided himself on his ability to become someone new, and not the weak and pathetic boy he used to be. Instead of softness, he became aggressive. In the place of kindness, he is mean…but now he isn’t sure what he is.
He just lays there, listening to Chishiya type on the keyboard– the only sound other than the fan spinning on the ceiling. He shuts his eyes tightly even if the room is dark, and bites his lip harshly to keep from saying anything ridiculous.
It’s just as terrible as it is relieving to not be alone in the room, but it’s pissing him off that it has to be Chishiya. He’s scared of being picked apart and judged. He doesn’t like the thought of someone having leverage over him.
“I’m not going to tell anyone you’re falling apart,” Chishiya says, “I’m sure it’s obvious anyways.”
Niragi’s hands ball up into fists and he resists getting up to strangle the man. He remains silent and pretends he’s asleep, even if he thinks it’s obvious he’s still awake with how tense he is.
“I think you’re overestimating how well everyone else is doing. We’re just as confused. Just as unsure.”
Niragi has a hard time believing that Chishiya is struggling like him; the man hardly seems to feel anything at all. He’s only satisfied because he knows this unknowing at least irritates Chishiya.
“We’re never going to find answers.”
Niragi doesn’t want answers– not like everyone else. He just wants to move on, and take advantage of this new chance at life.
“Not unless we die again like before.”
Niragi’s face scrunches up because what the hell is this idiot on about now? If Chishiya wants to die so bad, then there’s still a broken mirror in the bathroom the man can pick apart.
“I have a theory.”
He really could care less what the twerp thinks, but he doesn’t tell Chishiya to shut up either.
“Collective deja vu,” Chishiya says, “on a mass scale. Experienced between every single survivor of the disaster. I went through patient medical records, specifically psych evals.”
Niragi is starting to wonder if Chishiya actually cares about this, but he supposes it makes sense with how the man is infuriatingly obsessed with figuring him out. He doesn’t think Chishiya enjoys not knowing things, but to break the law to find answers…it’s just surprising.
“It’s not just ptsd from the disaster. Those things you’ve talked about, the things you can imagine but that have never actually happened. It’s going on with all of us. Memories lived that we never actually lived or are they really memories lived in a span of minutes?” Chishiya pauses, but Niragi still doesn’t respond. He thinks Kuina’s theories are making the man go insane. “They told me I wouldn’t have survived if my body didn’t fight for it. That’s what the doctors told Ann, and Kuina, Arisu too–“
“You sound insane,” Niragi says, sitting up, but keeping his head down, hair creating a curtain between him and Chishiya. The man’s insinuation pisses him off. “What are you even going on about, Chishiya? You’re smarter than this.”
“I’m smart enough to be able to understand that there is nothing logical about this.”
“So what, some divine intervention? The trials of man, testing our worth?”
“It’s a working theory. It’s very likely we were pit against each other, and of course instances of having to work together. The goal was to test our will to live.”
Niragi is certain the man is insane, “You’re wrong.”
“Everyone else thinks–“
“What do they think, Chishiya?” Niragi spits out, turning to face the man with anger and pain, “That we all fought to be here, because we’re so strong, we’re so capable? You’re fucking wrong, because if we really had to fight to be here, then I would’ve died.”
“You’re underestimating yourself–“
“Why the fuck won’t you leave me alone?” Niragi yanks at his hair, “You’re all fucking obsessed with making me believe this bullshit.”
“I already told you that you–“
“That I make you feel things. I know,” Niragi places his head in his hands and breathes out shakily, “Stop acting like I’m in this with all of you.” He’s going to lose his mind with this emotional whiplash. He wonders if it’s normal to go from hating yourself to thinking you deserve love and then back. It’s exhausting. “I guarantee I didn’t fight to wake up, Chishiya. Your theory is wrong.”
He jolts in surprise at the hand on his shoulder, and he looks up to find Chishiya standing over him. The man sits down on the little available space, and the skin to skin contact has him feeling like screaming with how his injured skin feels like it’s blistering.
“Maybe you just weren’t meant to die,” Chishiya says, and Niragi shakes his head in disbelief. “I have a hard time believing I deserved to come back even if I wanted to.”
Niragi leans into Chishiya’s touch even if it hurts and has his eyes filling with tears. It’s like flames are licking at his flesh. “You can’t keep me alive forever.”
“And maybe by the time I’m done with you, you won’t want to die,” Chishiya smirks at him and Niragi lets out a wet laugh.
“Is it here?” Niragi enjoys the way Chishiya hisses when he touches the man’s left side, “That it hurts?”
“It’s personal,” Chishiya says, “I know you hurt me for a reason. I like that you cared enough to leave your mark on me.”
“I like when you touch me,” Niragi admits, inhaling the faint memory of smoke, “It’s nice to feel the pain I know I deserve.”
“It’s alarming how changed I feel when I’m with you,” Chishiya’s fingers trail down his arm, soft hands over the scarred skin. “I used to think I was incapable of feeling. The others have shifted by perception of humanity, but you, you actually gave me a reason to care about it.”
“This is gross,” Niragi huffs, “We’re like a bunch of girls.”
“Emotional vulnerability is good for you. I don’t think you’ve ever had a healthy relationship.”
“Is that what this is– healthy? We fucking hate each other and get off on hurting each other. It’s the only reason you touched me, you bitch. Get off of me.”
Chishiya sighs, but there’s a grin on his face that shows he’s amused, “Just stay like this, please. Just a little longer.” His other hand goes over Niragi’s that's on his stomach and he lets out a little whimper of pain.
Niragi isn’t supposed to feel anything, but Chishiya’s touch on his injured skin sets his nerves on fire. He leans forward and presses his forehead on the man’s shoulder. The pain is enough to distract him from his spiraling mind and in a twisted way it’s soothing. “Sure, princess.”
“I hate you,” Chishiya says quietly, but it’s abnormally full of passion and Niragi likes it.
He can faintly smell apples lingering in Chishiya’s hair and breathes in deeply. His mind is numb and his body burns. It’s the most peace he’s had in days. Niragi smiles.
“Yeah. I hate you too.”
Chapter 7
Notes:
Relationship building and a longer chapter. 2 more chapters until the Borderlands 😧
Niragi’s playlist
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1EYCqp1lumA4OFaG6zNsHh?si=qx3tOJFHQ1iAAtophZ_qgA&pi=u-DP5Vtup9Rlm5
Chapter Text
Chapter 7
“Remember the pinch grip!”
Niragi stares up at the ceiling and just tries to catch his breath after falling hard enough to knock the breath from his lungs. Usagi gives him a hand and pulls him up off the blue mat with a surprising amount of strength for such a tiny woman, but he guesses her body has to be strong enough to rock climb…Niragi’s body clearly isn’t.
“I think you’re not advanced enough to try to go at an incline. It’s too steep for both of you,” Usagi laughs when Arisu falls down beside Niragi with a groan, “You have to build up strength in muscles you’ve likely never used before. It’ll get easier with practice.”
“I have a hard time thinking I’ll ever have to use this skill in real life,” Niragi says, brushing the chalk from his black joggers, “And I never said I would do this again.” Niragi thinks he’s pulled a muscle as he flexes his arm, and is irritated when the two just roll their eyes at him.
Chishiya slowly slides down on the rope from one of the shorter structures, and Niragi narrows his eyes because the idiot shouldn’t be doing this even though the man’s cast has been removed for weeks. He watches Chishiya take off the harness before looking away. He doesn’t care.
“This is so fun!” Kuina walks over towards them, looking like some sort of super model in her chic workout clothes. But Niragi thinks he probably looks like a bum with his ratty long sleeve and black joggers. He’s ensured the shirt is tight enough not to slip up and reveal his stomach. And he hates the way Chishiya stares at him like a weirdo when the man joins them.
Kuina slings an arm over Chishiya’s shoulders and while he has no expression, Niragi is willing to bet he doesn’t like the touch. Kuina smiles, “We really should make this a regular thing,” voice full of excitement.
“Yeah, I still say no,” Arisu grimaces just at the thought, and for some reason agreeing with the man feels significant.
“I have to be on Arisu’s side. I hate this,” Niragi says, because it’s a little humiliating that he’s not strong enough to do this…nevermind that he knows his punches are hard enough to knock someone out if he really wanted to. “I’d rather go lift weights.”
“You two are no fun,” Kuina huffs in annoyance, arm still around Chishiya, who always seems to be focused on Niragi for some fucking reason. He gets enough of the brat’s attention at home. “I wish Ann was here.”
“You always miss Ann,” Chishiya says, removing her arm from his shoulders and moving far enough away so she can’t touch him any longer. Kuina doesn’t seem to mind though.
“How’s her leg healing?” Usagi asks, “It doesn’t seem like she needs crutches much longer.”
“She’s fine,” Chishiya says, staring out the large glass window briefly. It’s like he doesn’t even care and Niragi knows he doesn’t. It’s sort of heartbreaking to Niragi when Kuina cares about Chishiya so much, but everyone is just entertainment to him.
“It’s strange isn’t it?” Arisu says to him, while the two women spark up a discussion about Ann’s recovery, and he watches as Chishiya wanders off towards the other side of the building to do who the fuck knows.
“What is?” Niragi glances over at Arisu, but the man is just staring at Usagi with a soft expression.
“How we love each other. It’s just so easy, like we didn’t have to even try.”
Niragi is pretty fucking certain no one loves him, because he certainly doesn’t love any of them. He likes the girls at least. “So you believe we’re connected now?”
“What else is there to believe?” Arisu sighs, “I knew I was in love with Usagi the second I saw her in the hospital. You can’t tell me you feel nothing.”
“I don’t love anyone, but I definitely wanted to punch Chishiya the minute I saw his face,” Niragi says honestly, even if it might not make him look very good. “You too.”
“I could practically feel the way it’d be to hit you,” Arisu laughs gently, before his voice goes serious, “I don’t trust you, but if Usagi seems to, then I should try.”
Niragi’s tongue darts out nervously, because he doesn’t like this feeling of responsibility. He wants everyone to like him, but it’s intimidating to have to be the one to make that happen. “Usagi’s too nice. I don’t deserve it.”
“It’s good to know you don’t think so either…but you don’t seem so bad…at least outside of the Borderlands.”
“Borderlands?” Niragi has no idea what the hell Arisu is talking about.
“It’s just something my brother said– our time between life and death.”
Niragi doesn’t want to give it a name, because he doesn’t want to believe that it’s real. He can’t understand how everyone is being so fucking stupid. He wonders what theories the others have because Chishiya is already so certain they were living out some battle royale or some shit.
“You don’t believe it do you?”
Niragi shakes his head, because he’ll only believe it if he was fucking dead, “It’s total bullshit. Chishiya won't shut up about what he thinks.”
“He doesn’t seem like the type to believe this stuff either. I’m surprised he talks to you about it.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Niragi asks defensively, and resists the urge to beat Arisu to a pulp or just run away. He doesn’t know what the man is insinuating and that puts him on edge.
“Just that Chishiya doesn’t talk about himself,” Arisu says simply, and that eases some of Niragi’s anxiety. “I think it upsets Kuina that he’s so closed off…and it’s just surprising he’s told you what he thinks about all of this, and that he agrees with us.”
Niragi doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say to that, because in his opinion, all the menace seems to want to do is talk and talk and talk. “I don’t fucking know,” Niragi grumbles, feeling extremely uncomfortable.
He notices Chishiya walking back towards them with a bored expression, and Niragi misses seeing anger on those delicate features.
“Where the fuck did you go?”
Chishiya raises an unimpressed eyebrow, “To the bathroom. Did you miss me?”
“No,” Niragi snaps out in annoyance, seething at the little smirk on the man’s face.
“I think he likes pissing you off,” Arisu’s voice has almost a laugh in it that makes Niragi self conscious.
“Niragi is incredibly easy to tease because he’s so stupid,” Chishiya says, and Niragi barely resists grabbing him by the front of his shirt and shaking him like a rag doll.
“I’ll actually murder you,” Niragi threatens, but Chishiya just raises an eyebrow, like the man is daring him to do it, but doesn’t believe he will. Niragi thinks he’s going to strangle Chishiya in the middle of the night when they go to sleep.
“You bicker like a demented old married couple,” Arisu laughs, and his words have Niragi tensing, fighting the urge to lash out.
“Niragi could never be good enough for me even if he tries,” Chishiya tucks some hair behind his ears, and Niragi can’t resist it, smacking him on the top of his head. Chishiya’s eyes go wide, and he stares at Niragi in surprise, like he didn’t expect anything would actually happen in public.
“Shut the fuck up, you fucking menace,” Niragi breathes out heavily through his nose and thinks if he was a cartoon then steam would come out of his ears.
“That’s what you get for teasing him,” Kuina walks over and looks incredibly amused, even if she doesn’t know why Niragi actually hit the brat.
“I’d think you would be on my side as your best friend,” Chishiya accuses, face back to being blank.
“Niragi wouldn’t hit you without a reason. He’s a nice guy now,” Kuina gives him a wink and he gives her a strange look in return, because he’s still far from nice. He has no idea what the hell she’s talking about. It’s clear he’s not the only one, like Arisu’s own incredulous expression. Kuina doesn’t seem to care, a bright smile on her face, “Should we get lunch? Ann is already at the cafe.”
Niragi is honestly socially tapped out after two hours of rock climbing, as well as having to put up with Chishiya twenty-four hours a day, but he wants to give them a reason to think he’s not a total piece of shit. So he just nods in agreement.
“We can show you the van!”
“Van?” Niragi raises an eyebrow at Kuina’s excitement, “You bought a car or something?”
“For the trip. We thought it’d be fun to drive all the way to Lake Okutama,” Usagi says, and Niragi honestly would rather not get stuck in a car with all of them. He gets serious motion sickness.
“Yeah, Ann picked it up this morning right?” Arisu nods, and Kuina nods happily.
Niragi feels like it’s strange that no one has asked him for any money yet, because he’s pretty sure he needs to contribute something, right? …unless this is them being obvious they don’t want him there any–
“The van is Ann’s uncle’s and the cabin is my father’s,” Chishiya answers, staring up at him confidently, like the menace can read his mind– nevermind that Chishiya practically can. “You don’t need to give anyone money.”
Niragi doesn’t want to admit that he’s curious, because he hasn’t heard anything about Chishiya’s parents before. But it’s not really that strange, he thinks, when he’s never talked about his own.
“You do seem like a rich kid,” Niragi says, because he’s pretty sure only rich people have more than one house.
“I come from a family of medicine. We do well for ourselves,” Chishiya shrugs, but then immediately turns and goes towards the exit, and Niragi watches him go with annoyance.
“Chi doesn’t like to talk about his family,” Kuina says to them quietly, “I’m still surprised he reached out to his father for the cabin.”
Niragi doubts that Chishiya had a childhood half as horrible as his– not with how little the man cares about things. Chishiya clearly hasn’t lost anything, while Niragi didn’t even have anything to begin with.
“Then we should thank him.”
Kuina shakes her head at Arisu, “It’s better not to bring anything up at all. I think the best thing we can do is just have fun.”
“That twerp doesn’t know what the hell fun is,” Niragi grumbles and hisses when Kuina pinches his cheek.
“That’s exactly why we need to have fun,” Kuina points out, and Niragi crosses his arms in annoyance because why the hell does he keep needing to teach Chishiya how to be a human being.
Niragi has the urge to snap back at her, but Kuina isn’t above hitting him and he’s too tired to find it amusing– just another night of nightmares and being humiliated at having Chishiya witness it.
“He responds the best with you, Niragi,” Usagi says, and it has him immediately wary.
“Why the hell do you say that?” Niragi glances over at the front of the building, but Chishiya is no longer there.
“He looks happiest with you–“
“That’s only because he’s an asshole and enjoys making me look stupid,” he cuts her off, because if they think Chishiya is happy with him, then they’re seriously mistaken. “Arisu said all we do is fucking fight.”
“It’s your love language,” Kuina flicks some hair over her shoulder, “And it doesn’t have to be romantic, Niragi, don’t look at me like that.”
Niragi knows he looks enraged and disgusted, because the idea of love and Chishiya is enough to have him wanting to vomit. He still thinks it says a lot about him that he doesn’t want to make her bleed. He guesses he’ll reserve his love language for strangling Chishiya instead, but Arisu is fucking pissing him off too.
“Let’s just eat fucking lunch,” Niragi thinks it’s a better thing to say than starting some type of physical altercation with the next fucking person who looks at him wrong.
He bites back a mean remark when Kuina loops their arms together, and he lets her drag him out the building. He’s irritated to find that there are no signs of Chishiya, and doesn’t think it’s fair that the man gets to run away from uncomfortable topics, but won’t let Niragi do the same.
“He might’ve gone home,” Kuina says, sounding sad and a bit dejected, “He really doesn’t like to talk about himself other than being a doctor.”
Niragi is tempted to tell her that Chishiya can’t keep his fucking mouth shut, but knows that would reveal the truth of them having to spend time together– living together– so doesn’t. He just decides to say nothing at all, and unhappily lets Kuina drag him towards the cafe.
“Chi is more sensitive than we think,” Kuina’s long legs match his stride, and he glances over at her incredulously. She laughs softly and shakes her head, “Not sensitive like that. He just thinks so highly of himself that when that’s challenged he retreats into himself. I know he’s confused about what happened to us, and I know that makes him feel inadequate that he can’t figure it out. I think it’s like that with his parents.”
“What do you know about them?” Niragi thinks Kuina is more perceptive than she comes off as.
“I really don’t know anything. All I know is Chishiya asked his father if we could use the cabin,” Kuina frowns, “He didn’t seem very happy after that.”
“Because his father treats him like shit or something?”
“I told you I don’t know,” she sounds sad and that makes him uncomfortable because he doesn’t know how to comfort people. “I keep trying to get him to open up, but he doesn’t like to talk about himself.”
“I don’t know what you want me to tell you,” Niragi really can’t do anything about it. If Chishiya doesn’t want to say anything, then that’s not his problem.
“I really do think he likes you, in his own way,” Kuina’s words have him ready to snap back. “He has the most life in him when he’s with you.”
Yeah, because the idiot hates him with such a passion his dead heart actually works. Chishiya wants to be normal so badly and thinks Niragi is the person to teach him that. It’s laughable to think that Niragi won’t fuck him up inside. “He just likes getting on my nerves. He enjoys pissing me off.”
“He doesn’t seem to enjoy anything,” Kuina’s arm is warm in his and with the summer heat it’s seriously uncomfortable. “It’s good for him.”
Niragi isn’t so sure that it's good for himself– letting Chishiya annoy him everyday and drive him crazy. He runs a hand through his hair, “He drives me crazy.”
Kuina laughs again, but Niragi doesn’t feel like she’s laughing at him. “He’s not the easiest person to get along with, is he?”
“So then why do you want him around?”
“Our connection,” Kuina says, “Something is telling me he’s worth it. I just know I care about him.”
And something is telling him that he should punch Chishiya in the face. He doesn’t say that though. “You know it’s bullshit.”
“I don’t think you really believe that, Niragi.”
Niragi stays silent. He argues enough with Chishiya about this, and thankfully Kuina doesn’t push him on the matter.
“Ann!” Kuina lets go of him and rushes into the other woman’s arms, hugging her tightly.
“Hi Ann,” Usagi and Arisu stop beside him as they reach the cafe, and he gives her an awkward smile.
“Hey everyone,” Ann says, and Niragi admits the two women look incredibly sweet as Kuina’s arms circle her waist from behind– head on her shoulder. She doesn’t ask where Chishiya is and he wonders if the man often disappears. He’d certainly like if that happened to him. “Aguni and Heiya are inside.”
“She’s out of school for graduation, right?” Kuina asks, and Ann nods in confirmation.
If Niragi’s honest, he’s interested in spending more time with Aguni. He hasn't seen the man outside of their hospital lunches that don’t even happen anymore, but this strange respect intrigues him. He’s never respected anyone before.
“He’s almost as much of a recluse as Niragi. I’m surprised he came out,” Usagi says, and he narrows his eyes at her because he’s not a recluse; he’s just depressed, or something.
“Well Heiya is here. Of course he would,” Arisu has his arm around Usagi, and Niragi is just glad to not be touched anymore because it’s humid as fuck.
“He’s grieving,” Kuina frowns, “We’re all dealing with it in our own way, but you and him had it the hardest.”
“Yeah…” Arisu’s voice is tinged with sadness, “It’s just easier to be distracted, at least for me.”
“Are we eating?” Niragi knows he’s being rude, but he hates all this emotional bullshit. It’s like everyone around wants to always hold hands and talk about their feelings.
He notices that they all just roll their eyes at him instead of telling him to fuck off, and he wonders if that means they’re accepting him in their own weird way– like he’s just an asshole and it’s just expected of him. He thinks that as long as he doesn’t insult them, then he can just bitch if he wants to.
“Let’s just go in,” Kuina laughs at him, and pulls Ann into the cafe. He really has no choice except to follow.
Heiya and Aguni are sitting incredibly close together as Niragi spots them at a table in the back, but it seems like the man is more tolerating her as she talks to him happily. Niragi knows that’s bullshit because Aguni looks at her like she’s his whole world, at least when he thinks no one is looking.
“Hey man,” Niragi sits down at the table across from Aguni, and the man just nods at him. It has him worrying that he’s not liked. “It’s good to see you.”
It’s not necessarily good to see the man, but he’s curious to know what it is about Aguni that he likes without them even knowing each other.
“You look tired.” It’s all that Aguni says, and Niragi isn’t sure how to respond to that, because he sure as hell isn’t going to tell the truth. “I can’t sleep either.”
That peaks Niragi’s attention, because he didn’t know anyone else was having nightmares, or at least that’s what he’s gathering from what the man has said. He only shrugs, because he’s not going to go into specifics.
He glances over at the others chatting, and sort of feels honored that Aguni is giving him this time. Niragi sighs, “It’s nothing. I never used to sleep well to begin with.”
Aguni only hums in response, and Niragi is grateful that at least someone else doesn’t want to get all vulnerable. It’s fucking ridiculous.
“It’s good to tire yourself out. You workout?”
“Getting back into it,” Niragi says, “I used to kickbox.”
“I still haven’t been able to do anything after the surgery. It’s been a bitch.”
Niragi really hasn’t done shit other than going to the gym once since being back, so he really shouldn’t even act like he’s working out.
“I’ve been thinking of going to a shooting range. You interested?”
He’d personally rather not ever touch a gun; the sound of gunshots in his head still has him feeling sick. Niragi shakes his head, “I’ll stick to the gym.”
Aguni gives him a look, like the man wants to say more. He’s wondering if it’s obvious the thought of holding a gun makes him feel like throwing up, because it’s clearly been a fear he’s had for a long time, or it’s only happened after the disaster. Niragi wonders if Aguni dreams of blood too.
“Are you going to my graduation, Niragi?”
He turns towards Heiya, who doesn’t really seem to be bothered on whether or not he goes. Niragi nods, “Yeah, we’re all going.”
“I know you don’t want to, so thanks,” she smiles at him, like she actually wants him there. He already knows that neither of them have an opinion on the other and don’t really care to form one, but he still wants to be nice to her…or as nice as he can be.
Niragi thinks of the blue hair clip that he bought for her with Chishiya, and he wonders what the man is doing at home. He can’t imagine Chishiya is the type to be so sensitive, so it’s just strange.
Niragi wonders if Chishiya is even capable of feeling pain, and not just the way his side hurts when they’re together or when Niragi touches him. It’s just blank faces or cocky smirks. There’s really nothing else to him other than being a heartless bastard.
Niragi is pretty sure the only emotion Chishiya has might just be the man’s infuriating addiction to him.
“I bought some fireworks too.”
His attention is brought back to the table by Kuina’s words, and fireworks flash behind his eyes. He notices Arisu’s wince and the way Heiya’s lips tilt down.
“Why does that sound absolutely horrible,” Heiya says, rubbing the bridge of her nose. “I used to love fireworks.”
“It’s all I remember about surgery.”
“Me too,” Ann agrees with Aguni, but Niragi is just trying to remember what it means to him. He wonders if it means anything to Chishiya too.
He feels a pain in his chest and touches his sternum, has a faint taste of blood in the back of his throat and swallows with the challenge of getting in a breath. It’s a brief thought that Chishiya could’ve caused this too, but that doesn’t feel right.
“I think it was our last memory.”
“It doesn’t fucking mean anything,” Niragi barely contains the urge to scream at Kuina, who seems to be deep in thought. His chest feels tight and wonders if this is what it feels like to be stabbed.
He’s going insane.
Chishiya would likely call it a victory– a celebration to end the game– but Niragi thinks that’s just stupid. How many people other than them believe this shit?
“Maybe it will help us remember,” Usagi suggests, but Niragi shakes his head because he doesn’t want that.
“We just died–“
“Don’t be stupid,” Aguni cuts him off, and the harsh words have Niragi wanting to shrink in on himself. “You’re just scared.”
Niragi thinks it’s only natural to be scared if it’s actually true, and discovering that truth will only lead him to discover the monster he feels inside of himself. Chishiya is the only one who knows that he’s actually on the cusp of snapping– whether that’s hurting himself or someone else.
“We can’t go on with our lives not knowing what happened,” Ann says, but he just shakes his head again.
“Are you sure you want to find that out?” Niragi asks, “I don’t think it’s going to be pretty if something really did happen.” He’s not going to be pretty.
“You said Chishiya has a theory?”
Kuina’s brows furrow in confusion at Arisu’s question. She stares at Niragi like he’s been hiding something huge from her, “You’ve talked to Chishiya about it?”
Niragi would seriously like to punch Arisu in the face, but the man is on the opposite end of the table. He shrugs uncomfortably, “It’s not a big deal.”
“But he does think something?”
He looks at Ann and just wants them all to not care. He’s pretty sure that Chishiya doesn’t want anyone knowing that the man has been thinking about this.
Niragi feels his tongue want to move around. It’s usually so natural that he hardly notices, but he’s uncomfortable right now and holding himself back has hit foot tapping anxiously just to focus on something else. “Ask him if you need to know.”
“I guess it’s just good he’s talking to someone,” Kuina bites her lip, but it’s not even a big deal.
“It doesn’t mean anything,” Niragi says, turning away to stare out the window. “It doesn’t mean anything.”
It doesn’t matter that Chishiya thinks they have some stupid fucking connection or that his skin burns when they touch. He’s more convinced that he’s just going fucking crazy and the man is just as insane. If there’s anyone in this world he’s connected to, he sure as hell doesn’t want it to be Chishiya Shuntaro.
“Neither of you are in a position to be isolating yourselves–“
“We’re not fucking friends,” Niragi tries to keep from snapping at Usagi. She’s never done anything wrong to him before.
“Well you're not enemies.”
Aren’t they? Because if Chishiya’s theory is right, then they certainly wouldn’t be allies. If Niragi is being delusional, he blames the man for his burns, and he’s probably the cause of Chishiya’s wound too.
“Just think about it,” Kuina says, “It’s good to have someone to talk to.”
“Can’t I just talk to you?”
“We know you’re not talking to us,” Aguni raises an eyebrow at him and Niragi narrows his eyes into a glare. He thinks it’s hypocritical for a guy who has practically been in hiding since getting out of the hospital. But he does suppose the man has Heiya.
That doesn’t mean he has Chishiya.
“Whatever,” Niragi only says, because he isn’t sure what he can, but he doesn’t think he’s going to convince anyone otherwise, when they all seem so set on his non-existent friendship with the man. “Let’s just fucking eat.”
They once again seem unbothered by him, and he huffs in annoyance when they just start talking about normal life, like they aren’t so obsessed with what happened to them and bring it up all the fucking time.
Niragi thinks of Chishiya and wonders what the man would say about all of this. He’d probably just make everyone feel stupid.
Niragi looks out the window again, tuning them out because he could care less about Heiya’s graduation dress. He resists a heavy sigh– not wanting to look affected by everyone’s words even if it’s obvious he is.
He doesn’t have Chishiya. It’s completely absurd to believe that the man is the person he’s closest to, when all it is is that the menace was forced into his life and won’t leave.
You two are the only ones that don’t have anyone.
Niragi can’t fight back the sigh this time. Such bullshit.
When Niragi gets home it’s quiet, but Chishiya’s shoes are by the door, so the man must be home. He wanders into his apartment and really isn’t surprised to find Chishiya sleeping on the couch. The idiot loves sleeping.
“You seriously just bailed on lunch to take a nap?” Niragi pokes Chishiya in the shoulder and the man squirms away from his hand and deeper into the wedge of the couch cushions. “All this because I asked about your fucking family?”
“If you tried to get any information out of Kuina, she doesn’t know anything.”
“I didn’t,” Niragi says, even if they both know it’s a lie. He seriously doesn’t want to deal with this, “I could care less about your perfect little rich family.”
“It sounds like you’re jealous,” Chishiya peeks over his shoulder, staring at Niragi blankly. “I know you didn’t have a good home life.”
“You don’t know shit about my home life,” Niragi sneers, because the other man doesn’t fucking know anything.
“I’ve already figured it out. Let’s not pretend I haven’t,” Chishiya turns around fully, blinking up at him and it’s infuriating because he knows that the gremlin probably does have a good idea of the truth. Chishiya’s just too fucking clever.
“Yeah fucking fine,” Niragi spits out, “I had shitty parents. But I’m sure your mom and dad are just wonderf–“
“My mother is dead.”
The beginnings of Niragi’s rant falters, and his mouth opens and closes like a trout as he figures out what he should say to that.
“It’s not really anything to be bothered about,” Chishiya says boredly, “I was only four and hardly remember her.”
“Uh…how did she…”
Niragi swallows uncomfortably, because he thinks he should be trying to make Chishiya feel better, but the man looks completely detached just like always, so maybe it’s not really that big of a deal.
“Don’t look so upset,” Chishiya raises an eyebrow at him like it’s stupid to care, so he just rolls his eyes and feels his anger rising. He shouldn’t worry about the heartless bastard.
“Fucking whatever,” Niragi grumbles, but when he moves to walk away his wrist is grabbed tightly. He looks down at the slim fingers wrapped around his arm and feels the tickling of flames at his flesh.
“Suicide.”
“What?”
“It was a suicide,” Chishiya explains, thumb brushing over the scar on Niragi’s wrist. He closes his eyes and sighs, blonde hair fanning out around his head. “I don’t think I gave her what she wanted. A child that didn’t seem to love their mother.”
“But you did,” Niragi says, trying to wrap around what the man just said.
“In my own way,” Chishiya’s thumb presses against the pulsepoint of Niragi’s wrist. “She wanted something better than me. I can’t blame her.”
“So she just abandoned you then?” Niragi feels himself simmer with anger. He’s never had a good opinion on mothers that give up on their children.
Chishiya shrugs, “It was a miracle she was able to get pregnant with me. I was supposed to be perfect.”
“That still doesn’t excuse it. You were only a kid.”
“I was too young to know how to play the part,” Chishiya says, “I can’t imagine it was emotionally satisfying to have a child that didn’t want their mother.”
“She clearly had some other bullshit going on. It’s not your fucking fault,” Niragi thinks it’s ridiculous that the man blames himself. “So you feel fucking guilty? Don’t.”
“It’s more the disappointment,” Chishiya’s grip tightens, “That I was incapable of something. I don’t enjoy being inadequate.”
Niragi thinks it’s pretty fucked up to not care that his mother is dead, but supposes Chishiya does care in his own fucked up way. “Your father blames you.”
“Of course he does,” Chishiya says, “But he was never very affectionate to begin with, so the strain in our relationship means very little to me.”
Niragi could tell Chishiya that his father beat him and his mother just watched, but he’s pretty sure the man already has an idea of what his childhood was like. He doesn’t think comparing their situations does any good either.
He feels the brush against his scar, from his palm trailing up to his wrist. Niragi stares at Chishiya’s face, eyes closed and looking incredibly peaceful for someone he’s now sure is upset. He remembers Chishiya’s determination to keep him alive, and maybe do for him what the man couldn’t do before. Chishiya hates failure.
“Thanks…for stopping me,” Niragi’s tongue darts out nervously.
Chishiya opens his eyes, a deep brown that almost seems black in the darkness of the room, “You’re not grateful.”
Niragi sighs, because it’s not a surprise that Chishiya can see through his lie. “Yeah, I guess not.”
“It doesn’t really matter whether or not you think I did the right thing. I’m not letting you die.”
Niragi can’t help the grin that stretches across his face, “You’re fucking ridiculous, princess.” He enjoys the twitch of Chishiya’s eye at the nickname, but hisses at the nails that dig into his wrist in retaliation.
He feels the burning of his flesh, but it’s welcome– especially in this disgustingly intimate moment. Niragi sits on the couch by Chishiya’s hip, and the man’s hand stays on his arm.
I really do think he likes you.
He can agree with that– only if it’s just because Chishiya likes to terrorize him. “Fuck parents anyway.”
Chishiya’s lips tilt into a small smirk, “It’s a nice sentiment, if a little crass.”
“You have everyone else now. They like you for some insane reason.”
“And do you like me?”
“Of course I fucking don’t,” Niragi glares heatedly at the man, because what a stupid fucking question. “You’re a life sucking leech that won’t leave me alone.”
“I’ve certainly never been described that way before,” Chishiya is still smirking, amusement in his eyes, “I’ll be done with you soon, anyways…once I figure this all out.”
“You’re not going to find out shit unless another meteor kills us.”
“It’s incredible what I’m capable of once I set my mind on it, Niragi Suguru.”
Niragi’s face feels hot, “Don’t say my name you fucking weirdo.”
“It’s so incredibly easy,” Chishiya’s fingers press into his skin before the man lets go and turns to face the couch again, “I’m going back to sleep. Wake me up for dinner.”
“I’ll poison your food,” Niragi grumbles angrily, but doesn’t think there’s a point in starting something. It’s not that Chishiya was necessarily vulnerable, but it definitely wasn’t a nice experience for the man to admit his weakness– even if he was just a kid and didn’t know any better. Niragi’s consideration should probably be reevaluated.
He sits there for a while while he figures out what to do. They’re touching, but Chishiya doesn’t push him away. He thinks it’s been established that they like the way it feels when they touch, and it’s that thought that has him running a hand down his face, breathing out heavily.
“We might actually be friends.”
Chishiya doesn’t say anything, sleeping with his face pressed into the couch. Niragi watches his shoulder raise at every breath and thinks for two people that really do genuinely hate each other they rely on each other more than they should. The man has basically become an emotional crutch.
Niragi leans back and closes his eyes.
“Fuck.”
Amazing artwork by @mallow_fallow 💗
Chapter 8
Notes:
Sweet baby Niragi building relationships 🥺 A long chapter for you all 💗
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Chapter Text
Chapter 8
Niragi loses his breath at the tight hug, Kuina’s mass of hair in his face and tickling his nose. He’s not quite sure what to do, unused to this type of affection– any affection at all. He’s so fucking uncomfortable, and it doesn’t help being in a goddamn fucking high school again.
“Let go of him, Kuina,” Chishiya sighs, sounding like he’d rather be anywhere but here. Niragi has to agree.
“Unlike you, Niragi won’t try to claw my face off if I touch him,” Kuina says, but still releases Niragi from the tight hold she has on him. “You could have dressed nicer.” Her hands are on her hips as she stares at Chishiya’s shorts and baggy t-shirt.
“That’s what I fucking told him,” Niragi mumbles under his breath, because he’s pretty sure Chishiya did it on purpose just to piss everybody off. He even got all nice with black pants and a button down, and a pair of sneakers that aren’t even that run down.
“I’m here. Isn’t that enough?”
Niragi rolls his eyes, because Chishiya is honestly so fucking annoying. He resists the urge to smack the back of the man’s head to teach the menace some manners. Kuina huffs, shaking her head, but there’s still a small smile on her face and he actually wonders what the hell either of them can do to have her eventually cut them off. She’s too fucking nice.
“What’s that?” Kuina tilts her head, staring at the small blue box in his hand and Niragi shrugs.
“It’s a present for Heiya.”
“You got her a present?”
“We went shopping,” Chishiya still sounds incredibly bored, but the twinkle in Kuina’s eyes has Niragi ready to bolt.
“That’s sweet,” Kuina says simply, and he’s just glad that she doesn’t say anything more about it. “We should grab our seats. Everyone is already in the auditorium.”
Kuina turns and walks away, but Niragi waits a minute before following to tug at Chishiya's hair, forcing the smaller man to look at him. “You didn’t have to tell her we got it together.”
“Would you rather I lie?” Chishiya has a little smirk on his face that has Niragi quickly simmering with rage. It’s really ridiculous how easily the man can get under his skin, and he’s already on edge just being here.
“Idiot.” Niragi lets go of him and stomps his way into the auditorium, knowing that the little gremlin is following close behind. He’s been attached to Niragi all morning ever since their conversation yesterday, when he shared the truth about his family.
It’s honestly throwing Niragi off, because it’s like emotional whiplash, the way Chishiya acts in public versus only with him. The aftermath of the disaster has sort of made them disgustingly dependent on each other, to find comfort as they desperately try to rationalize what’s happened to them. All Niragi knows is that Chishiya is a tether to the earth when all he wants to do is sink into the dirt and let it suffocate him. He’s pretty sure it’s the same for the other man.
“I’m surprised the two of you showed up.” Ann’s eyes sweep over them, but she raises an eyebrow at Chishiya’s casual attire. The moron really should’ve dressed appropriately.
He feels his skin burn when Chishiya’s hand brushes his, and if they were alone he’d bask in it, but they’re not, so he steps away quickly and takes a seat beside Kuina. But it really doesn’t matter because Chishiya sits right beside him, thighs pressed against each other. He tries not to worry too much when he’s just as squished next to Kuina.
“Are you guys packed?” Usagi leans forward to be seen behind Ann and Kuina.
Niragi honestly hasn’t done anything because he’s still not sure he wants to go on the stupid trip, even though he knows that no one is going to let him back out. He shakes his head and she looks at him with disbelief.
“We’re packed,” Chishiya says, and Niragi watches the confusion on her face, and Kuina’s grin and Ann’s smug expression. It’s enough to have Niragi wanting to curl in on himself, and he’s just glad that Arisu and Aguni are too busy talking to pay any mind to Chishiya basically admitting they’ve been spending time together.
“Good. Because we’re leaving tomorrow,” Usagi quickly smiles at the two of them, and he’s just grateful that no one decides to say anything once again.
He hides behind his hair, face feeling hot in embarrassment. He doesn’t know why Chishiya is suddenly okay with everyone knowing they’ve been spending time together, and he peeks over at the other man and wants to strangle the satisfied smirk off of Chishiya’s face.
The bastard is totally fucking with him.
“I’m seriously going to kill you,” Niragi hisses quietly, but Chishiya just looks incredibly pleased with himself.
“Relax,” Chishiya whispers back, smugly, “We’re friends, aren’t we?”
No, Niragi wants to say, even if they are. He fights back an animalistic snarl because he’d rather the two of them act like the past few days haven’t happened– like the two of them haven’t been intertwining.
“I’m sure Aguni doesn’t have to worry about being with Heiya now that she’s graduated,” Chishiya says beside him, just trying to make conversation with Niragi who only feels like running.
“What’s the point of surviving if we’re just going to go back to normal? Let the guy live,” Niragi grumbles, and tenses when Chishiya shifts.
“Interesting that you’re the one to say that.”
“I’m not doing this here,” Niragi hisses, peeking past his hair to glare at Chishiya who isn’t even looking at him. “Just stop talking.”
Niragi is just trying to understand why Chishiya is suddenly alright with everyone knowing about their friendship. He thought that it was understood by the both of them to keep this, honestly, fucked up relationship within the walls of his apartment.
But Chishiya’s reaction makes it difficult to focus on the graduation, because it’s further blurring the lines between them. This dependency is dangerous.
Niragi likes the way he hurts when he’s with Chishiya, so much purer than the way he’s been deteriorating each year of his life. It’s refreshing and sparks inside him– this feeling of being alive. It shuts off all the voices telling him to just give up. He thinks even before the disaster it was only a matter of time before he ended it all, and now he’s around people who actually want to see him heal. It’s fucking insane.
Their thighs and arms are touching, but there’s no skin to skin contact and Niragi feels desperate for it. It’s not enough. He wants to burn.
“She looks so pretty,” Kuina says, and Niragi has to focus on Heiya as she walks on the stage in a blue sundress. Her hair is gently curled and half pulled back, and he thinks they made the right assessment on the blue hair clip.
“Definitely better than a pen,” Chishiya comments quietly beside him and he holds back a laugh.
“I told you,” Niragi whispers back.
“She’s probably relieved to be done with high school.”
He has to agree with Ann because high school was actual hell for him. It was seriously traumatic and he’s still fucked up from it– all the things his bullies made him do. It has him wondering what his life could’ve been like if he had gone to school with everyone else.
“Highschool sucked!” Kuina exclaims, slumping in her seat, and Niragi’s lips quirk up into a smile, because he can easily agree.
“College was better,” Usagi says, “But I never finished.”
It has Niragi wondering if he should tell them he has a PhD in digital media arts, but he thinks they care more about whether or not he’s a decent person than his education. Instead he just taps on his knee with his fingers anxiously because he’d really rather not be inside of a high school where repressed memories can come claw their way back to the surface.
“What time are we leaving tomorrow?” Niragi asks, just to say something and distract himself from the fact that he’s in this hellhole. His tongue darts out nervously and he takes a deep breath to control it.
“We should go early, so we have most of the day there,” Ann answers, “We only have the weekend.”
“I’m sure you’ll drag us to many more things this summer,” Chishiya sounds like he absolutely loathes the idea, and he probably does.
“Just enjoy it, kid,” Aguni grumbles from the other end of the seats, but the man’s eyes are glued to Heiya as she walks across the stage. Niragi honestly can’t tell exactly how Aguni feels for her, but is at least certain that he loves her in some way. “Be grateful people want to spend time with you.”
Niragi glances over with enjoyment to see the flash of irritation on Chishiya’s face. He bumps his shoulder against the blonde’s, “Yeah, be grateful.”
“Like you want to be here,” Chishiya says, sounding like he really just wants to leave. It’s annoying because he’s not wrong. Niragi doesn’t want to be here.
“Just watch the fucking graduation,” he hisses at the man, angry that Chishiya just knows him.
It’s honestly fucking torture to have to sit in the auditorium for another hour, watching dumb high school students ready to start their lives. Niragi doesn’t think anyone has the heart to tell them that it only gets worse. And then he has to go to fucking dinner with everybody to celebrate, and like where the fuck are Heiya’s parents?
It’s why he’s fucking exhausted when he gets home, and even more irritated that Chishiya comes back with him.
“Were you not going to tell them you went to university?” Chishiya asks, sitting on the couch beside him while Niragi tries to read a news article on the disaster and how survivors are coping. It’s just further confirmation that no one has any idea what the fuck happened.
Niragi sighs, because of course the idiot knows, “Is it really that important that I have a PhD, or does it just annoy you that I’m more knowledgeable in something than you?”
“I didn’t know you had a PhD. I just noticed that one of your tea cups had the logo of your university,” Chishiya’s eyes narrow at him, “I’m still smarter than you.”
“Sure you are, princess,” Niragi makes a noise of annoyance when Chishiya just lays down on the couch in response, feet digging into his thigh.
“I don’t want to go tomorrow.”
“Neither do I, but no one is going to let us back out.”
“What are you going to do about your nightmares?”
Niragi leans back against the couch in thought, because it’s not anything he’s considered yet. He still suffers from horrible nightmares, but Chishiya is always there to wake him up, sitting on the bed, bare hands touching, until he’s able to fall back asleep.
“I’ll just deal with them,” Niragi says, “There’s no way we’re sleeping in the same bed.”
“I was thinking I could just sleep on the floor again,” Chishiya raises an eyebrow at him, “I don’t want to share a bed with you.”
“Yeah, neither do I, you idiot.”
“I’d rather not have you doing anything stupid.”
“You think I’m going to try to kill myself when we’re all on vacation? Have some faith in me,” Niragi rolls his eyes, because he thought it was understood between the two of them that he’s not going to do anything.
“It’s hard to believe you when I know you’re unhappy.”
Niragi’s brows furrow, “I’m not unhappy. I’m just…unsure about all of this. Nothing makes sense and some days I just don’t want to think about all of it.”
Chishiya just stares at him with those feline eyes, blinking lazily at him, “I’m just reminding you to not do anything idiotic while I’m still figuring out this thing between us.”
“I thought you made it very clear that we tried to kill each other.”
“Yes, but the why and where is still unknown,” Chishiya says, and Niragi knows how difficult it is for the man to admit that he can’t answer this question. Niragi enjoys Chishiya realizing that he doesn’t know everything– that he's not better than everyone, at least in this.
“Well if you die and come back to life, then let me know.”
Chishiya pushes his feet against Niragi’s thigh harder, “I don’t think we’ll remember if it happens again, moron.”
“Well unless there’s some fucking disaster I think we’ll be fine,” Niragi stands up, pissed that Chishiya can’t just move on, “I’m going to bed. We have to wake up at fucking six.”
“I don’t want to move.”
“Then sleep on the goddamn couch.”
Chishiya looks up at him expectantly, but Niragi knows the little gremlin loves to sleep on the couch so what the fuck does he want? “If you have a nightmare I’m not walking all the way to the bedroom.”
“Are you fucking– you’re a menace,” Niragi knows the man doing this on purpose just to fuck with him. He still picks Chishiya up roughly and half drags the idiot into the bedroom. He throws Chishiya on the sleeping mat. “There, you fucking asshole.”
“You could’ve been nicer, but I know that’s impossible for you,” Chishiya smirks up and Niragi has half a mind to stomp on his neck and crush his windpipe, but the thought is sickening, so he climbs into bed and faces the wall, because he knows Niragi’s turmoil.
There’s no possibility of him changing, and Chishiya is a constant reminder of that– this twisting anger that courses through his veins. It’s hard to be a better person, and sometimes he likes that Chishiya doesn’t expect that of him, but it doesn’t make him feel any better.
“Niragi?”
“Go the fuck to sleep, Chishiya.”
It’s silent, so Chishiya must know not to push him this time, just like he respects the man’s boundaries when it’s clear to be left alone.
But still when he wakes up covered in sweat, shaking and gasping for breath, Chishiya is there, just like the man always is. And when their fingers intertwine this time, he doesn’t let himself think too deeply about it. He just lets himself burn, and knows that Chishiya is bleeding with him.
“Wow this place is huge!”
Niragi climbs out of the van, hardly listening to Kuina’s exclamations about the property, feeling car sick and ready to vomit. He glances over at Usagi in surprise when she grabs his hand to steady him, and she smiles at him softly, “My dad got the worst motion sickness too. On any moving vehicle.”
“I can do trains,” Niragi says weakly, breathing in the fresh air to soothe his nausea. His eyes slowly scan the large home as he lets his queasiness subside. Usagi laughs gently beside him, and he attempts to smile at her, “Go on, the guys and I will unpack the van.”
“Then girls and I will get started on lunch,” she squeezes his hand gently before walking up the driveway to the home.
It’s honestly fucking ridiculous because it’s fucking three stories and just obnoxious. It’s right on the lake and Niragi can’t even comprehend how much this place costs. He frowns, grumbling, “Rich fucking bastard.”
“I can hear you,” Chishiya is beside him, and when he looks over the man’s eyes are narrowed, “You should’ve driven. You wouldn’t have gotten sick.”
“I’m fine, princess,” Niragi waves a dismissive hand, and rolls his eyes when Chishiya suddenly walks away towards the house. Niragi sighs, “Moody bitch.”
“I think he was just worried about you,” Arisu steps out of the van next to him.
Niragi’s face scrunches up in disbelief, “That fucking gremlin doesn’t care about anyone.”
“He cares enough about us to be here. I think that says a lot about Chishiya…it says a lot about you too.”
Niragi supposes that Arisu has a point, because Chishiya wouldn’t be here unless he cared to some extent. He could try and find anyone to help him change, but he’s decided to stay with all of them. Niragi’s eyes roll dramatically, “He’s still an idiot.”
Arisu shakes his head, laughing gently, “That guy is certainly something, but he’s our friend, so we put up with him.”
“Are you talking about me or Chishiya?” Niragi asks, crossing his arms defensively.
“I don’t know if you’re my friend, but I’m putting up you, aren’t I?”
“Thanks for that,” Niragi’s tone is snarky, but he actually means it. He still can’t understand why they’re giving him a chance when he’s so clearly an asshole.
“I mean, we all found each other for a reason,” Arisu shrugs, “We could’ve run into anyone at the hospital, but somehow we all ended up together…Whoever we were before. I like to think we’ve been given a second chance.”
Niragi literally wants to barf because everyone is always so goddamn sentimental, and he refuses to let that little voice inside of him think that there’s hope.
Aguni steps out from the behind the back of the van, voice gruff, “Come help me unload the fucking van.”
“You don’t want to get all emotional with me and Arisu?” Niragi asks, a light teasing in his voice that Aguni responds to with a raised eyebrow.
“Unpack. Now.”
“I think he doesn’t smile. Got a stick up his ass,” Niragi whispers to Arisu, who snorts out an unattractive laugh. But it’s all just jokes, Niragi respects the older man, even if he’s still not sure why.
It’s quick work unloading the van and taking everything into the house, but it’d be even quicker if Chishiya didn’t disappear to do who the fuck knows. He finds it’s easy to trade laughs with Arisu, because he never thought they would’ve ever gotten along.
“I’m telling you Xbox is better,” Niragi says, dragging a suitcase up the driveway.
“And I’m telling you to get a ps5. The controller is more comfortable,” Arisu counters, carrying two duffle bags.
Niragi huffs in annoyance, “Can’t we just agree that gaming on a PC is superior?”
“Only if you agree that you need to get an OLED monitor.”
“Do you think I’m fucking made out of money? LED is perfectly fine.”
“You studied digital media arts and you're really going to say that?”
“It should show you that I’m right,” Niragi argues, smirking triumphantly, because Arisu might have all the best tech for gaming, but Niragi can hold a PhD over his head.
“You’re crazy,” Arisu laughs in disbelief, “I’ll have you test my monitor and then you’ll want one of your own.”
“What are you two laughing at?” Ann asks when they finally get everything into the house.
“Just how Arisu is an idiot,” Niragi says, then glares at the man when his shoulder is bumped roughly. “It’s not my fault you have issues.”
“Because I have a better monitor than you,” Arisu rolls his eyes, “You know you’re wrong.”
“I’m going to break your legs,” Niragi threatens, but to his dismay Ann and Arisu just laugh at him. He wonders when he suddenly stopped being threatening.
“You two can argue, but at least eat the food we’ve prepared,” Ann says, and walks deeper in the house, so the two men have no choice but to follow her towards the dining room.
He’s stopped by Kuina’s hand on his arm before he can go sit at the table, “Will you go find Chishiya? He disappeared.”
Niragi wants to ask why it’s his job, but knows that everyone has basically paired up and the only two people left were him and Chishiya. It’s just his responsibility to make sure the idiot is alright. It has nothing to do with Chishiya liking him. He nods, but he’s incredibly irritated, “Sure.”
The house is too fucking big, so Niragi doesn’t know where to start. He decides to just check every single fucking room, but to his dismay Chishiya isn’t anywhere in the three story home. It’s only when he stands on the third story balcony that he sees a blonde haired figure sitting on the dock on the lake.
“The girls made lunch for you,” Niragi says once he gets back onto the first floor and outside of the house, walking across the dock to where Chishiya’s sitting with his feet in the water, “Don’t be a jerk.”
“My mom loved this place.”
Niragi’s irritation lessens, and he sits cross legged next to the man, not about to go through the hassle of taking off his shoes and rolling up his jeans. “Don’t tell me she fucking offed herself here,” Niragi jokes, but when Chishiya remains silent, he groans in disbelief, “Why the fuck are we here then?”
“It’s convenient for everyone.”
“Yeah, but it upsets you,” Niragi grabs his face tightly so they can look at each other, feline eyes empty, “I know you’re trying to force yourself to do things for other people, but you have to take care of yourself too. It’s not going to feel good if you feel like shit.”
“I don’t think I understand the connection,” Chishiya admits, and Niragi knows it’s difficult to admit.
“You can’t just forget about your own well being,” Niragi lets go of the man’s face, but they’re still looking at each other, “Helping people is supposed to feel good. It’s not supposed to hurt you.”
“I don’t think you’re the one who should be giving me this advice.”
Niragi knows that Chishiya has a point, but a part of him still remembers being soft– good. It was just mutilated inside of him and warped a sickness that’s steadily been deteriorating him until he’s worried there will be nothing left, and not even Chishiya’s touch will bring him back. He isn’t going to kill himself, but he doesn’t see himself trying to stay alive for much longer.
“You need positive reinforcement or some shit,” Niragi decides to stay instead, not wanting to admit his reliance on Chishiya.
“I’ve never even felt an inkling of pleasure saving a life.”
“I’m sure it fuels your ego or some shit at least,” Niragi says, and takes a little pride in the smirk on Chishiya’s face, “I don’t fucking know.” He sighs, because Chishiya has done so much for him that Niragi sort of feels like he owes the guy. “If you get upset here just let me know and– I don’t fucking know. I’ll distract you or something.”
Chishiya grabs his hand and Niragi tenses, but the fire that spreads up his arms and licks at his flesh numbs his mind pleasantly, “It’s easier when it hurts. I don’t have to question it.”
“You’re just not used to feeling anything,” Niragi says, “You’ll get used to it.”
“I don’t think you believe that. You don’t think we can change.”
“What do you want me to say? You’re fucked up, princess,” Niragi feels the man’s delicate hand in his, “I’m not any better. The disaster is proof of that.”
“It’s still easy for you to fit in here,” Chishiya’s lips tilt down into a small frown, “You have a way of making me honest, Niragi Suguru.”
“I told you not to say my fucking name like that, you creep,” Niragi looks over, face feeling hot– a different heat to the way it feels like his flesh is boiling. He wonders if he’s a fucking masochist. “Let’s just go eat. If you need to come back out here, we’ll come back out here.”
He lets go of Chishiya’s hand and all his self doubt crawls back up inside of him. He’s still not going to hold the man’s fucking hand in front of everyone so he walks away, knowing Chishiya is close behind, wet footsteps on the wooden dock.
“There you are!” Kuina smiles widely at them when they enter the dining room, “We waited for you.”
“You didn’t have to,” Niragi takes a seat at the table, while Chishiya takes the open one to his right.
It’s just simple sandwiches, but Niragi is starving now that his stomach has settled for the drive. Chishiya is silent beside him, but that’s not necessarily a surprise.
Niragi knows that the man has a strange way of feeling about his mother’s death, but it still can’t be easy to be in the house she killed herself in. Niragi wonders who was the one to find her.
“So what are we going to do today?” Heiya asks, and Ann hums in thought.
“We still have most of the day.”
“Why should we waste it indoors when we can be in the water,” Kuina suggests, and he’ll do whatever everyone else wants, but he’s not going to swim.
“We’ll barbecue tonight. There’s a nice one on the patio,” Aguni adds, looking comfortable, and surprisingly willing to participate.
“I brought a frisbee and a volleyball,” Arisu says, “There’s plenty of space to run around in the backyard.”
“And there’s water toys and floats in the garage,” Chishiya doesn’t sound enthusiastic about any of it, but Niragi knows that he’s trying.
“Thanks Chishiya,” Usagi is genuine even if Chishiya comes off rude. He thinks everyone knows that the man is trying, and he wonders if Chishiya knows they do.
“Then let’s eat!” Kuina takes an incredibly large bite of her sandwich, next words muffled by the food in her mouth, “I haven’t gone swimming in years!”
“Is there a reason you aren’t swimming?”
Niragi looks over as Heiya sits next to him on the patio chairs. He’d question where her protector is, but already knows that Aguni is helping Ann blow up the water floats in the garage.
“I’d ask you the same question, but it’s quite obvious,” Niragi motions towards her prosthetic, and she rolls her eyes at him.
“You know it’s rude to point out.”
“Well I thought it’s clear that I’m not a nice person.”
Heiya laughs, but it doesn’t sound very kind, and Niragi already has his suspicions that she used to be a bitch. She flips some hair over her shoulder, “I think you like to think that you’re still an asshole, but you’re not anymore.”
“And how would you know that?” He asks, genuinely curious.
“I was a total bitch,” Heiya says, and confirms his assumption, “I was like really mean and used people. Treated almost everyone around me like trash and thought I was better than them…but now I really care about you guys. I know you care about us too.”
“I have a difficult time believing that you and I care about each other. I don’t even know you.”
“Then it’s time to, right?” Heiya suggests, “If we’re going to be in each other's lives from now on, then we should get to know each other.
“Alright then,” Niragi nods in agreement, “What do you want to know?”
“What’s going on with you and Chishiya?”
Niragi is immediately feeling defensive, and he tries to come up with the right thing to say to get her to back off, “Why the hell do you need to know that?”
“I don’t know,” Heiya twirls some of her hair, “I’m a teenage girl. I like gossip.”
“I’m pretty sure Aguni doesn’t like you referring to yourself as a teenager,” Niragi points out, and sees the flash of irritation on her face. He sighs, because he doesn’t want to get off on the wrong foot with her, “Chishiya is my friend. We look out for each other just the way we all do for each other.”
“We’re lost souls that found each other,” Heiya says, “At least that’s how I see it.”
“Then what the hell is up with you and Aguni?”
Heiya frowns, “I’m not really sure. I think he’s still missing his best friend. It’s hard for him to move on, and if I’m honest with you, sometimes I think there was more going on between them, judging from how Aguni talks about them.”
“Is there something wrong with that?”
“Of course not,” Heiya raises an eyebrow at him, “Do you think there’s something wrong with that.”
“Of course I fucking don’t,” Niragi says, because he doesn’t give a fuck if anyone is gay. He’s not.
“Good, because then we’d have a problem,” Heiya puts her legs up on the table and Niragi eyes her prosthetic with interest, “It’s crazy how easy it was for me to adjust to wearing this.”
Niragi sighs heavily, “Let me guess, you think it has something to do with our hearts stopping?”
“It’s pointless to try and deny that something happened. It makes more sense that something did.”
“It’s just ridiculous,” Niragi stares towards the lake, watching as Ann and Aguni drag a bunch of floats into the water where everyone is already swimming, “You think other people feel the same way?”
“Don’t ask a question you know the answer to. I know you're smart.”
“You really are a bitch,” Niragi says, and glances over to see her amused grin, before putting his attention back on everyone else. Chishiya looks absolutely miserable on a unicorn floaty that the man shares with Kuina, and it makes him want to laugh.
“I wonder if Aguni looks that way when he sees me.”
“I could be watching Kuina.”
“Sure you are,” Heiya laughs again, but he thinks it’s more about his response and less that he’s watching Chishiya. It makes him just a little less defensive. “I’m sure it’s nice for him to have friends now. I don’t think he’s ever had any.”
“I’ve never had any either.”
“I don’t really have anyone other than all of you. All my friends stopped talking to me after I lost my leg.”
“Kids are fucking cruel,” Niragi knows firsthand, “You’re better off with us–”
“What are you guys doing over there! Come on!” Kuina waves at them, and Niragi huffs because he doesn’t want to get his clothes wet.
“We should just go down there before someone drags us down. And we both know it would be Kuina.”
Niragi can’t help the sharp laugh that escapes him, because he can easily imagine the thin woman somehow strong enough to force him into the water. “Fine,” he stands up, giving a hand to Heiya to pull her up too.
“Are you seriously going to stay in your jeans?”
“I’d really rather not go into the water.”
“You can’t swim?” Heiya asks as they walk down the grassy hill towards the shore.
It’s more that he doesn’t want to take his shirt off and have everyone see the word carved into his skin, and the other scars he’d rather not think about, but he’s not going to tell her that. He just nods, “Not very well.”
“We can just sit on the dock,” Heiya says when they step onto the wooden structure. She walks towards the edge and sits, so Niragi joins her. But she’s quickly preoccupied when Aguni swims over and crosses his arms on the dock. Niragi lets them have their moment.
“Do you have to touch me?” Chishiya complains as Ann climbs on the large unicorn, and the man is squished between the two women. Niragi laughs at the sight of an uncomfortable looking Chishiya trapped between two gorgeous women who obviously just want to spend time with him.
“Aren’t you coming in?”
Niragi stares down at Usagi as she keeps herself in place in the water. He shakes his head, “I don’t like swimming.”
“We can play frisbee or something–“
“Just enjoy yourself. I’m perfectly fine sitting here.”
Niragi startles when Arisu suddenly emerges from beneath the water and grabs Usagi, making her laugh loudly as the two of them splash around, soaking the front of his jeans. But he glances back over towards Chishiya, who’s sitting like a drowned rat between two laughing women–Kuina with a bucket in her hand– and he guesses it’s not so bad.
Chishiya’s eyes narrow at him, daring him to say something, so he just smirks, and the man’s eyes narrow even more.
Niragi wonders if this is what it’s like to have friends. If this is what it’s like to have fun, because he’s finding that he’s sort of enjoying himself being surrounded by everyone, and them being so happy.
“You going to shoot targets, kid?”
Niragi turns his attention back towards Aguni, to find the man having climbed up on the dock next to Heiya. “I told you I’m not interested in guns.”
“We’re actually talking about my bow.”
“You’re an archer?” Niragi asks her in surprise, because she’s never come off very athletic, and that’s not because of her leg.
“All my life,” Heiya kicks her foot gently in the water, “My grandmother taught me before she died.”
“I think I’d be shit at it,” Niragi says honestly, even though he thinks he might have good aim, but he doesn’t know why he thinks that. He just knows it’s not something be proud of.
Aguni makes a grunt of amusement, “It’s important to know how to defend yourself.”
“I doubt that archery is a skill I’ll ever need to do that,” Niragi shakes his head, “I’ll just beat the shit out of someone instead.”
“Are you just all talk or can you actually throw a punch?”
“Of fucking course I can. I don’t need fucking anything or anyone to take care of myself,” Niragi says defensively, because sure, maybe he’s never actually hit another person– or has he– but he’s definitely destroyed a punching bag. Aguni doesn’t seem to believe him, and he fights back the sneer that threatens to spread across his face. He’s perfectly capable of defending himself. He’s not in high school.
“I’m just looking out for you,” Aguni’s voice is softer than it needs to be, but it feels good to know the man seemingly cares about him. “There’s nothing wrong with being supported. It’s easy to lose yourself when you don’t rely on anything.”
“Niragi has us now,” Heiya leans against him for a moment and he rolls his eyes at her. She’s fucking annoying, but he likes her for some reason. She’s lonely just like everyone else, just looking for something– someone. They’re a fucked up group of misfits, but just like Arisu said, they all found each other in an even more fucked up world.
Niragi doesn’t really mean to, but he thinks he smiles.
“You seem relaxed.”
Niragi groans in annoyance when Chishiya comes into his room, shutting the door before walking over to sit on the bed.
“I’m fucking changing,” Niragi says, pulling up his sweatpants in favor of his wet jeans. He looks over at Chishiya, wet hair dripping all over the comforter on the bed, “What do you want?”
“What’s on your stomach?”
Niragi sighs, “I think it’s very clear I’m not going to tell you.”
“You don’t have to tell me. You just have to show me,” Chishiya counters, and Niragi smiles because what an idiot. “It’s only fair after what I shared about my mom.”
“So it was blackmail?” Niragi raises an eyebrow, even if he knows Chishiya would never admit a weakness even to gain the upper hand.
“You know it wasn’t. I want to see,” Chishiya pushes, and this time it’s clear that he’s not going to fucking leave until he gets what he wants. He’s not going to let Niragi shut it down this time.
“Will you fucking leave me alone if I show you?” Niragi doesn’t know why he’s suddenly so okay with Chishiya knowing his secrets, but he is.
Chishiya nods, staring at him impatiently– more and more emotion on the man’s face each day. Niragi thinks it’s easier to rip it off like a bandaid, so he pulls his shirt off quickly and throws it to the floor. He refuses to meet Chishiya’s eyes, even as the man gets up from the bed and comes closer towards him.
The hand on his stomach has him immediately tensing, less from Chishiya’s lake cold hands, and more at the fingers tracing the words on his stomach. He doesn’t even touch himself there, so the delicate way the man touches him has his throat feeling tight.
“I’m sorry,” Chishiya says.
“Are you actually, or do you just think you need to be sorry?”
Chishiya fingers continue to trace the letters, and Niragi can’t help noticing that his skin isn’t burning this time. He just feels softness as the man speaks, voice even softer, “I don’t like knowing this was done to you. It’s surprising that I do actually feel bad for you. Maybe you’re wrong. Maybe we’re changing.”
Niragi finally meets the man’s eyes, and it’s the most emotion he’s ever seen– hopeful and hesitant swirling in those chocolate irises. He’s trying to find the right words to say, but is struggling to get control over his darting tongue. He’s surprised to realize that he’s actually been comfortable enough in the presence of the others that his tic hasn’t been as excruciatingly bothersome. But he’s so uncomfortable right now that it hardly matters.
“Just relax,” Chishiya’s hand stays on his stomach, fingers splayed, “You were doing so well. Much better than me.”
It probably can’t be easy for the man to admit that Niragi is better than him, at least in this. He sighs heavily, “Are you satisfied now.”
“Of course I am,” Chishiya says, “Who else knows?”
“No one, princess. Do you just like feeling special?”
“I’m satisfied.”
“Alright, then let me put my fucking shirt on,” Niragi has had enough of being exposed, and is just grateful that Chishiya stops touching him so he can get dressed. He can’t help thinking of the man’s delicate touch. “Are you sleeping here tonight?”
“I thought you didn’t want me to?”
“Just shut the fuck up and sleep in here tonight,” Niragi grabs him by the front of the shirt and glares, “It’s not a big deal.”
“Fine,” Chishiya says, blinking at him like a tired cat, “But I’m sleeping in the bed.”
It turns out that Niragi lets Chishiya in the bed without any hesitation, because he’s totally fucked up right now. He thinks the idea of lighting fireworks had to be completely idiotic, because all of them basically broke down in their own ways. The fun they’ve been having all day shattered by a simple sparkler.
He says very little when Chishiya wiggles his way over towards Niragi in the king sized bed, plastered to his side. Niragi finds that it burns less, but it’s just as numbing as ever. It’s too intimate, but he’s not going to say anything about it.
It’s still unexpected when Chishiya’s hand rests over the words on his stomach, hidden beneath his t-shirt. Chishiya’s voice is a whisper, but feels loud in the quiet room, “You can’t tell me you don’t believe it now.”
Niragi is silent for a few minutes, but he knows Chishiya is still awake, waiting for his response. The scent of apples, blonde hair brushing his face as the man lays curled up against his side, is relaxing in ways it shouldn’t be. “What does it mean if it’s true?”
“That we really did try to kill each other.”
“And what does that mean to you?”
“I don’t know,” Chishiya says, “What does that mean to you?”
Niragi stares up at the ceiling. It’s dark, but there’s some moonlight streaming in through the window. He’d still like a nightlight. Niragi bites his lip in thought, “It means that there was a reason for it, and I don’t think it’s good.”
“Would you try to kill me again if we go back?”
“Not anymore,” Niragi is honest, because Chishiya is his friend. He couldn’t hurt the man again, not after everything they’ve gone through here together.
“Me too,” Chishiya sighs, “Do you think they know we’re sharing a bed.”
“I think they’d be idiots not to know you’re here, and they’re clearly not idiots,” Niragi tries not to let it freak him out, all too aware of words on his skin, but Chishiya’s hand is comforting. “Go to sleep. We’ll feel better if we can get through the night.”
Chishiya doesn’t respond, and it’s surprisingly easy for the man to fall asleep, breaths evening out. It takes Niragi a little bit longer– fireworks flashing in his vision every time he closes his eyes. He doesn’t want to believe that something happened, but it’s becoming increasingly clear that something did.
Niragi knows it can be nothing good, and only hopes they never find out what really happened.
The atmosphere is tense in the morning, and Niragi thinks everyone is still healing, because something clearly set them all back. He sits in the back of the van next to Chishiya just trying not to get sick as Aguni drives them into town to pick up some groceries and explore the area.
“I was reading that there’s this great soft serve place. They have shaved ice too,” Kuina suggests, and Niragi almost says it’s a better idea than fireworks. But doesn’t want to be rude.
The roads are strangely empty for summer, but Niragi isn’t complaining at the lack of stop and go traffic.
“You know you’re supposed to hold your breath when you go through a tunnel,” Heiya says, as the van approaches a long tunnel.
“That’s fucking stupid,” Niragi grumbles, and flips Heiya off when she throws him the middle finger first.
“I’ll do it,” Usagi smiles, “It’s dumb, but it’s fun.”
“Me too,” Kuina takes a deep breath, chest expanding, and Niragi watches in amusement as the three women hold their breath when they enter the tunnel.
“If you guys pass out then that’s your fault,” Ann grins, “You–“
It’s completely sudden the way the van starts to sway roughly, and Aguni hits the brakes immediately. The van sits in the middle of the tunnel shaking violently, and it’s just instinctual the way Niragi places an arm over Chishiya to keep the man steady.
“It’s an earthquake!” Arisu holds on to Usagi, almost covering her with his body, and Niragi is pretty sure this is one of the worst earthquakes he’s ever been in in a while.
“Should we even be in a tunnel?!” Kuina shouts and she taps Aguni's shoulder roughly when the sound of something cracking fills the tunnel like an echo, “Get us out of here!”
Aguni steps on the gas pedal, and the van accelerates faster than Niragi can adjust to the movement. He sees the end of the tunnel as everyone shouts at Aguni to hurry, hurry, hurry.
Then there's a deep rumbling, the sound of concrete breaking apart. It’s a thundering sound and Niragi watches in horror as the end of the tunnel collapses. He barely registers the darkness and remainder of the tunnel– the mountain– tumbling on top of the van and then,
then.
It’s completely silent, and Niragi blinks rapidly because it feels like his brain is splitting open– memories caught in the darkest corners coming to light and Niragi gasps, staring at the vast forest surrounding the van– like they’ve been transported to an entirely new place– and fuck. They are so royally fucked and everyone sits there staring at each other in disbelief.
“I fucking told all of you!” Kuina says loudly, breaking the static silence.
Niragi’s head thumps against the glass window. They are so fucked.
Chapter 9
Notes:
How the heck did I just write another chapter?
Thank you so much for your love! Knowing you’re enjoying this keeps me going 💗
Updated my Nishiya 💔 Spotify Playlist
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1T1eAITwMJY1mBZMrJDCtu?si=wnwT8sh8TOGqn1D5mVdaIQ&pi=u-cZl7LBO7SLee
Chapter Text
Chapter 9
The last thing Niragi expects when he gets out of the van– after everyone’s initial shock, and attempts to process what’s just happened– is have Arisu punch him in the face.
But he thinks he should’ve seen it coming.
Niragi stumbles back, and it’s a sudden rush at the thrill of violence. He understands now why he kept questioning himself and his fucked up thoughts. It’s because he loves to hurt and he loves hurting. Niragi’s hands tighten into fists as he tries to figure out what he’s doing next– all these conflicting emotions. He remembers the sound of Arisu’s cracking nose beneath the butt of his rifle. He wants to hear it again.
He laughs wildly and takes a step forward, as Arisu spits out at him, “You fucking bastard!”
He’s about to throw a punch when Chishiya speaks, making him still.
“Are you really going to do this again?” Chishiya asks, an eyebrow raised in judgment. Niragi wants to grab him and crack his skull on the ground. The sudden memories of being made to feel less than by this fucking asshole.
What does Chishiya see in him now?
He thinks he shouldn’t care.
Niragi knows that being in this world will give him the opportunity to release the beast that rattles in its cage inside of him. He knows he’ll have the chance to kill– wonders if they’ll kill each other– wonders if any of them have the strength to do it. That twisted up thing inside of him is disgusted by this sentiment that conflicts with his hate.
“This isn’t the time for this,” Aguni says firmly, “We need to figure out what’s going on and then we can figure out what to do with you.” The man is looking at him and Niragi is slightly devastated. Even if Aguni tried to kill him at the Beach, he still remembers the hope he felt at being given a chance. At being given power when he had none. He’ll always be thankful to Aguni for guiding him into a better person…at least better in his perspective– definitely not in the eyes of the others. …but he’s starting to think it was just a joke– just him being used. Aguni never saw him as anything more than a pawn to use and manipulate.
He really thought they were equals– fighting to survive in this world together…at least until they had to kill each other.
He feels like an animal trapped in a corner as everyone stares at him with distrust, as if the time spent together meant nothing. He doesn’t deserve their loyalty, but it still fucking sucks.
He glances over at Usagi, the shifting between pity and hatred on her face. He remembers the rush of power as he held her down beneath him. She’s so pure and kind and everything he isn’t. But she didn’t want him. He wanted her to want him. He doesn’t know why he’s never been good enough to be wanted in the way she wanted Arisu.
He thinks Arisu should do more than punch him for what he’s done to her. And he remembers all the women he abused during his time at the Beach. The sick fucking payback. If they didn’t want to give it to him, he'd just take it. It was only fair.
He thinks it’s a surprise to everyone when he suddenly bends over and throws up everything in his stomach. Niragi gags, hands on his knees, getting sick until there’s nothing left to get out of him, and he fights back this pathetic feeling inside him. He could be the most powerful guy in the room, but still nobody has ever respected him.
“Are you alright?” Kuina’s hand gently rests on his shoulder but he moves away quickly, taking a few steps away from her.
“Don’t touch me,” Niragi says weakly, throat raw from the bile. I’ll just hurt you, he thinks, but doesn’t say. He just hopes that everyone understands what he means.
“We need to assess the situation,” Ann’s voice cuts through the uncomfortable tension, “We don’t know what’s going on and what the rules are.”
“If we can just beat all the cards–“
“We don’t know if there even are cards here,” Ann stops Heiya, “We’re not even in Tokyo.”
“Maybe not even Japan,” Kuina takes another worried glance at Niragi, before returning to Ann’s side. “Where the hell are we?”
“The Amazon,” Chishiya says it with such surety that Niragi has to believe him, and hates that the idiot is so sure of himself even in this new environment. “Isn’t it obvious?”
“No it’s not fucking obvious,” Niragi grumbles, mouth tasting absolutely vile. He needs a fucking mint or something.
“We’re clearly in a tropical environment. Just look around,” Chishiya motions around them, and Niragi takes a moment to observe their surroundings– towering verdant trees, thick and humid air, the sound of animals he’s only heard at the zoo. There’s even a few colorful parrots and he’s pretty sure he sees a monkey in the trees above them.
“Are you sure this is the Amazon, or just a simulation like it? We weren’t in the real Tokyo last time,” Usagi points out, and he has to agree with her.
“It doesn’t matter where we are. All we need to do is survive,” Ann says.
“I’m sorry are we not going to talk about the possibility of us having to kill each other?” Heiya taps her foot anxiously, and Niragi wonders if he’ll put up a fight when they ultimately try to kill him first.
“We shouldn’t think that way,” Usagi frowns, “We don’t even know the rules yet.”
“Then maybe we should head over to that tent,” Kuina points over in the distance at the canopy.
“I guess we’re starting,” Arisu says nervously, and everyone has no choice but to walk towards the large structure.
Chishiya falls into step beside Niragi and his teeth clench in irritation at being in such close proximity to this man he absolutely hates. But he remembers the way Chishiya curled up against him last night and these conflicting memories just make his brain hurt.
“Do you remember why you tried to kill me?”
“Of course I fucking do,” Niragi snaps, “Do you?”
“Of course I do,” Chishiya copies– minus the curse, like he’s better than Niragi and doesn’t have to resort to profanities. “I couldn’t stand that we were the same. And it only took setting you on fire for you to see it too…though I didn’t think you’d survive.”
“Fuck you,” Niragi just pushes the man roughly with his shoulder and stomps away angrily towards the tent, but he still lingers in the corner away from everyone when he gets there, knowing that no one wants him close.
Niragi eyes all the weapons laid on a large table, so many different types of guns and knives, and even a bow and arrows that Heiya can use. He sees a sniper rifle and his body fizzles with energy at the hope of getting to shoot something.
There’s also all different types of gear– backpacks, water bottles, first aid kits, and folded piles of clothes. Niragi sighs, because Ann was right. This is a completely new type of game, and he doesn’t think they’ll be collecting cards this time.
“There’s a computer here, but it’s pretty outdated. You’d think they’d have better technology like last time,” Kuina says, and Niragi watches from the sidelines as she turns it on, everyone crowding around her. It’s much to his irritation that Chishiya stands beside him, so he forces himself to ignore the menace.
“Welcome survivors. You have been selected to participate in our game.”
“At least it’s not that fucking bitch’s voice,” Niragi mumbles, a bit relieved that he doesn’t have to hear the game announcer’s voice again– this time replaced by a male. But who the fuck is creating this shit?
“I wouldn’t say selected…”
“More like a mountain crushed us,” Heiya finishes Usagi’s sentence, and Niragi smirks because he likes her attitude, and hopes that she doesn’t have any ill will towards him. They never even met in that world.
“Listen,” Aguni says, and he’s so authoritative that it’s easy to follow his orders.
“This game will be played in levels. You are on Level One.”
Yeah, no shit, Niragi thinks, but stays silent. He glances over at Chishiya who looks incredibly bored and he thought the man was supposed to start fucking caring about shit.
“Players are at the starting point. Your goal is to reach the end point. There is no time limit.”
But how long do they have until their hearts stop too long and they can never wake up again? Niragi is pretty fucking sure they’ll just end up vegetables, and he knows everyone is thinking it, but who knows how time works here. It could be entirely different.
“There are three checkpoints. Each checkpoint is a safe zone. You must find the keys to unlock each checkpoint.”
It sounds simple enough, but he knows it won’t be.
“Players will be given a map with the location of each key, check point and the location of the end point.”
He scans the simple map displayed on the computer, and the blue dots displaying each checkpoints, and the red X showing the end of the level. There’s three golden triangles that must be the keys, and Niragi can’t begin to imagine how difficult it will be. He hates this unknowing.
“There is gear provided to assist you in this level. There is no limit to what each player can carry. Choose wisely.
A helpful tip: Stay alert for potential threats. Some known and unknown.
Good luck players. And remember
Survive.”
The computer goes black, and everyone stands there, just trying to process what they’ve just heard. It’s a relief to know they’re working in a team, because he’s not sure what the fuck would even happen if they were all against each other.
“I wonder who will die first,” Chishiya breaks the silence, and it just fills Niragi with rage. He can’t fucking believe– this fucking idiot– fucking hell– Niragi can’t keep it in– all this fear and anger and discord inside of him has him ready to fucking burst, and Chishiya just doesn’t care.
“This isn’t a fucking joke, you fucking asshole!” Niragi pushes Chishiya back roughly and the man stumbles.
“Niragi leave him alone!” Kuina takes a step forward, but Ann holds her back, and that just pisses him off because did the woman really think he would hurt her? Maybe he will.
He gets into Chishiya’s face, teeth bared like a rabid animal. “This isn’t a card game. It’s fucking survival in a way you’re not fucking ready for. Or do you just not fucking care?”
“The probability of us all surviving is unlikely. If you forget that, I'll remind you.”
Niragi barely resists hitting the man, “So basically we’re fucking dead again and now I have to sleep in the fucking jungle with your stupid ass bitching about how at least half us are going to die here.”
“It’s only probable, given what happened last time. And with your inability to work in a team, I’m betting you’re dying in the first level and won’t even make it to the second,” Chishiya smirks at the seething Niragi, who gets in his face with a threatening finger poking into his stomach.
“I’m seriously going to fucking shoot you again.”
“Or maybe the two of you can fuck and get it over with so we can win,” Kuina mumbles under her breath and Niragi is starting to wonder why he’s committed to being a better person now.
“Relax.”
He startles at the hand on his stomach, but it doesn’t soothe him the way it did before. It just makes him angry because he knows Chishiya thinks less of him again. He pushes the man back again, stepping away quickly.
“We don’t have time for this,” Aguni says, “We need to gather our supplies and get to the first safe zone before dark.”
“Judging from the position of the sun we have six hours,” Chishiya says, completely unaffected by the argument with Niragi, but he’s seething and boiling with rage, because he’s not even important enough to make Chishiya feel something anymore.
“There’s clothes for us,” Kuina picks up a pair of boots, “These are literally my size. How do they just know?”
“I’d guess it’s the same way literal sci-fi lasers zapped people from the sky,” Heiya’s attempts at humor falls flat, the mood hardly lightened when everyone is anxious to know what awaits them.
“Let’s just get this over with,” Arisu says, “The longer we wait the more dangerous it will be.”
It’s quick work to change, everyone just wanting to get going as soon as possible. Niragi carefully pulls the long sleeve shirt over his head, slipping his arms through swiftly before covering his stomach, and only then does he turn around.
It’s hot, but he knows there is a purpose for the cargo pants and loose athletic long sleeve top. He forces his feet into the rubber boots, and then takes the tie out of his half pulled back hair to gather everything into a ponytail. The humidity is worse than Tokyo in the summer and he already feels sticky with sweat.
“Tuck your shirt into your pants and your pants into your boots,” Usagi says, “You don’t want any bugs getting in there.”
He thinks she must have at least some idea of what she’s talking about. She’s the most outdoorsy out of all of them, so he follows her instructions and watches as everyone else does the same. And it really is fucking terrifying that each of them have a pair of clothes that fit perfectly.
“There’s bug spray here,” Ann picks up a small bottle, “We should probably use it. It looks like there’s enough supplies for all of us to have one of each.”
“What is this?” Kuina picks up a black tube, shaking it gently, but there doesn’t seem to be anything in it.
“It’s a filtration straw, so we can drink water,” Usagi picks up another one and demonstrates, uncapping one end and bringing it to her lips for a moment, “I’ve used them before when I’ve gone camping. My dad was big on wilderness survival.”
Thank fucking god for her, Niragi thinks, because he might be able to fend off whatever is in the jungle, but he doesn’t know shit about survival gear.
“Just take one of each and stick it in your backpack,” Aguni instructs, but Niragi waits until everyone is done to pack his bag. He doesn’t think anyone wants him too close. There’s a watch on the table with a huge digital face, so he puts that on too.
He sprays a shit load of bug spray on himself because he sure as fuck doesn’t want to deal with mosquitos and tucks it in his bag, only hoping there will be more supplies at the first checkpoint.
“Who knows how to shoot a gun?”
Niragi knows that Aguni isn’t asking him; everyone knows that he’s the best shot in the group. He glances over at Chishiya who is silent, but he doesn’t think the man has any idea how to even handle a handgun.
“I’m more of a hand to hand fighter. I think you all know that…but I don’t know if that’s enough to protect you all,” Kuina’s eyes find Ann’s– pain– and Niragi wonders what happened between the two of them.
“I think everyone should carry something that shoots long distance and a knife,” Heiya says, “I’ll stick to a bow instead of a gun.”
“There are holsters here, and there’s something that looks like it can hold a knife,” Arisu picks up a thigh holster, and then looks over at Niragi, “Too bad there’s not a shotgun.”
“We can’t do that here,” Usagi places a hand on Arisu’s harm before either man can charge at each other, “This isn’t like the other games. We’re going to be a team from now on, so we have to take care of each other.”
“I’m not trusting my life with him,” Arisu shakes his head, “Does no one remember that he’s fucked up inside? He tried to kill us multiple times. He tried to rape you twice, Usagi.”
Niragi doesn’t really think it needs to be said out loud, and he can’t help noticing something like disgust flash in Heiya’s eyes, like he did it to her too. He thinks she definitely doesn’t like him now.
Niragi thinks he should at least apologize…he just doesn’t know what to say or how to say it. Instead he stays silent, and that speaks for him…and not in a good way.
“We should go,” Chishiya says, and he’s grateful for the change in topic, even if he knows that the man didn’t do it to help him.
He’s fast as he puts the harnesses on, a handgun in the holder on his right thigh and a knife strapped to his left. He grabs the sniper rifle and slings it over his shoulder after stuffing his bag with some ammo. He hardly pays attention to Aguni and Ann explaining how to turn the safety on and off and the best way to aim.
Chishiya looks absolutely ridiculous with the gun– just like he did in the middle of Shibuya Crossing– in his hand, and Niragi sighs because now the mission is not only self survival but taking on the responsibility of making sure the idiot stays alive too. Niragi just knows he’s going to be shit at defending himself.
“Is everyone ready?” Ann asks, and really what else can they fucking say except yes.
The minute they leave the safety of the tent, Niragi is immediately on alert, and he doesn't mean to, but he grabs Chishiya by the backpack, pulling the man beside him. “Don’t fucking do anything stupid.”
“Are you worried about me, Niragi?” Chishiya’s voice is taunting, and he contemplates shooting the idiot, because at least it would be a quick death.
“Of fucking course I’m not,” Niragi snaps, “I think it’s been made clear that we’re enemies again, but I don’t want Kuina to put a bullet in my skull, so I’m making sure you don’t die, even if I want to fucking kill you myself.”
Chishiya doesn’t respond and Niragi wonders if the man’s feelings are hurt, but then remembers that he doesn’t have feelings, so caring shouldn’t be wasted on him. It’s like everything built between them has been crushed into dust and blown away in the wind. All Niragi remembers is the hate, and it doesn’t feel good like it used to.
He thinks maybe he should’ve died in the last games. He certainly was ready to– thought he was going to. He never asked to be sent home, and it’s sort of like a sick joke that he's back here again. Only now he knows he’s actually a piece of shit, and it doesn’t feel as good as it used to either.
That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to snap Arisu’s neck…he just knows it’s nothing to be proud about now.
“These watches are surprisingly high tech with how old that computer was,” Usagi says, and Niragi looks down at the digital map displayed on the square screen– north, east, south and west on each side, so they know which direction they're going. If he swipes to the right it shows temperature and humidity, and if he swipes again it shows the position of the sun. He thinks it makes this just a little bit easier.
There’s not much to see– just endless trees– but it’s loud, too many different animal noises and it’s setting Niragi on edge because who the fuck knows what’s out there. He remembers the six of spades and at least knows he can kill a few wild animals.
It’s tense as everyone is caught remembering the games, and Niragi remembers them fighting the king of spades while he was bleeding out on the pavement. He can’t imagine what fucking happened, but he doesn’t think it’s good, not with the way everyone glances at each other desperately– like they can’t believe the other is alive.
“It’s ironic we have to work together,” Chishiya finally decides to speak, and his voice is like nails on a chalkboard to Niragi.
He steps over a large root and swats a leaf away from his face, even if Aguni has done a decent job clearing their path with a machete as they get into a deeper part of the forest.
“It’s a fucking sick joke,” Niragi laughs softly, even if he doesn’t think it’s funny, “I bet you’re just waiting for me to turn my back.”
“I thought I told you I wasn’t going to kill you…and if I did I’d want to look you in the eyes again.”
“You tricked me, because you’re a coward. If you wanted to look me in the eyes you would’ve just stabbed me in the fucking chest.”
“Well you shot me when I wasn’t looking,” Chishiya counters.
“Trust me, princess. Next time I hurt you I’ll make sure you can see the smile on my face.”
“Have you ever realized the fucked up way you guys flirt?” Kuina shouts from the front of the group, and Niragi’s left eye twitches in irritation.
“Is that what we’re doing?” Chishiya asks him, and he’s very close to punching the idiot in the face.
“That is not what we’re doing. Now shut the fuck up and pay attention. We don’t know what’s out there.”
“The computer said the known and unknown,” Arisu adds, “What is the unknown even supposed to be?”
“It’s nothing good,” Aguni huffs, slicing a few branches and crushing them to the side to give everyone a way out of the dense trees.
“I’d say I’m glad to be out of out of that claustrophobic nightmare, but this might be worse,” Heiya says, and Niragi steps through the opening to see a rickety bridge that looks hardly secure as it swings in the light breeze over a giant chasm.
“That thing can’t possibly hold even one of us,” Usagi steps forward to inspect it, but Arisu grabs her wrist to stop her. She smiles at the man fondly, “Don’t worry.”
“How can I not worry about you?” Arisu says softly, and Niragi looks away because gross.
“I think we’re going to need to go one at–“
“Does anyone smell that?” Kuina sniffs at the air, and when Niragi inhales he can smell it too– smoke. He looks up into the sky and sees wisps of red smoke in the air.
“I have a sneaking suspicion we don’t have a lot of time to cross this bridge,” Chishiya says briefly, hands shoved into his pockets.
“Just fucking cross the bridge, you fucking idiot,” Niragi grabs him by the arm and throws him forward, making the man stumble and almost run into Ann. Chishiya looks back at him with a raised eyebrow and Niragi sneers. Does the fucking moron have a death wish?
“Go on,” Aguni pushes Heiya towards the bridge gently, “We don’t have time to figure out what to do.”
“I–I’m afraid of heights,” she stops right in front of the first wooden plank, and Niragi wants to pull his hair out because is she fucking serious right now? He can smell the scent of smoke grow stronger, and he’d seriously like to avoid whatever the fuck that red shit is.
“Heiya,” Kuina says softly, “You don’t have a choice if you want to survive…I don’t think you want to find out what happens if you don’t cross that bridge.”
“I–“ her eyes are wide, and somehow her being afraid doesn’t sit right with him.
“Are you really going to let something this fucking stupid kill you?” Niragi asks, and she looks over at him unsurely, “You lost your leg and still beat the games, and now you just want to fucking cry over a fucking bridge? Don’t be a pussy.” He sees the little spark of defiance in her eyes, and he smirks.
“Fuck you,” Heiya glares at him, but he guesses his taunting still has her wanting to prove him wrong– so he takes it as a fucking win– as she takes the first step onto the bridge, and everyone winces at the creak.
“Just focus on the other side. You’ll be there in no time,” Usagi encourages her, and Niragi watches in relief when the woman actually starts walking across the bridge on shaking legs.
“I don’t think we have time to cross one at a time,” Ann looks up at the sky that’s thicker with the crimson smoke.
“We need to distribute the weight,” Arisu says,” Once Heiya crosses the middle then the next person can go, and we’ll follow that pattern.”
“Let the girls go first,” Aguni motions for Usagi to take her place in front of the bridge.
“How chivalrous,” Chishiya has an irritating smirk on his face and Niragi is tempted to throw him off the cliff– but won’t.
“Just hurry!” Kuina is fidgeting anxiously, practically bouncing on her feet as they all watch Usagi reach the middle of the bridge just when Heiya makes it across.
Niragi thinks it’s easy to make quick work of crossing the bridge when everyone trusts each other. There’s no fighting on who goes first like there would be if they had been sent here with other people. He tenses when he feels heat behind him and wonders what the hell is hidden behind the smoke.
“Arisu!” Usagi cries out for him when one of the planks breaks and his leg goes through. He grunts in pain and just tries to get up, but it looks like his leg is stuck.
“His gun is stuck,” Chishiya says, only the two of them left, while the other two men are on the bridge, and Niragi can now see the way it hits the wood everytime Arisu tries to free himself.
Niragi wonders why the man isn’t saying anything, so it looks like he fucking has to, “Your gun is stuck! Ditch it man!”
He notices the way the bridge sways and creaks as Arisu attempts to reach for the holstered gun. The man is taking too fucking long. The ropes on the poles nearest to him loosening. He doesn’t think all of them are going to make it. “Get on the bridge.”
“I’d rather wait until Arisu safely–“
Niragi grabs Chishiya by the front of his shirt and might actually snarl, “Get on the fucking bridge.”
“Don’t try to be a hero. That’s not like y–“ Chishiya suddenly coughs harshly, and Niragi gasps out a breath, feeling like he’s just swallowed hot coals as his lungs fill with red smoke. He can’t even scream because he can’t breathe, immediately tasting blood in his throat as he struggles to see in front of him. He closes his mouth and tries to only take the smallest breaths through his nose in between spouts of holding his breath. The more he keeps from inhaling the longer he can’t think.
He wonders if he’s going to die this way.
“Chishiya!” Kuina’s crying out across the cavern, but he can hardly see her through the smoke.
Chishiya is coughing so harshly that blood splatters on Niragi’s face. And if the idiot is just going to breathe like that, then he’s going to fucking die.
Niragi pulls off his shirt without thinking, bunching it up and shoving it against Chishiya’s face. It still seems to do very little because the man doesn’t stop coughing. He wants to tell Chishiya to get it fucking together, but doesn’t want to speak.
He can’t see the bridge anymore and honestly they might be fucked because he doesn’t want to go the wrong way and tumble over the edge. They can’t go forward, but they can go back. It might honestly be suicide.
Niragi picks the man up like a goddamn bride, while Chishiya desperately holds the shirt over his face. His breathing is sporadic and and Niragi just knows they need to get out of this smoke soon.
He wants to laugh because it’s kind of incredible that his classmates used to hold his head until water in the school pool, rivers, fucking toilets, because he’s incredibly skilled at holding his breath. He doesn’t want to thank them, but it’s fucking lucky.
He runs into trees, he trips over roots, but the brightness of his watch is enough to see that they’re going in the right direction towards the starting point.
And honestly, if he could fucking see, then he wouldn’t have fallen down the hill, and he wouldn’t have dropped Chishiya, as the two of them tumble on rough root infested dirt until he hits water.
But he thinks they would’ve died if he hadn’t fallen, because the smoke is now curling above him as he lays in the water, safe in the lower altitude, and it takes him a moment to notice Chishiya face down in the water. Niragi curses, scrambling to turn the man over in the shallow water, and Chishiya blinks blearily, eyes completely bloodshot, almost no white left.
Chishiya's eyes are teary as he wheezes weakly, “Ni-niragi i-it hurts.”
“I know,” Niragi’s own voice doesn’t sound any better, but he likes to think he protected his lungs much better than Chishiya, “You can breathe now. Just breathe, okay?”
Chishiya’s eyes close in exhaustion, clinging onto Niragi tightly, head tucked beneath his chin. The man holds him through each pained breath, and Niragi tries not to show his pain, feeling like his own throat is on fire. He remembers the feeling of being burned alive, of the scorching smoke in his lungs. He wanted everyone to hurt just like him…but he doesn’t think it feels very good that Chishiya now knows what it feels like.
It’s dark by the time the smoke clears, and Chishiya is still wheezing, in too much pain to sleep when it’s usually so easy for him. Niragi carefully carries him back to the camp and decides to lay him down in the van. It’s the only place to sleep.
“I’ll get you some water,” Niragi says, and is grateful he thought it was smart enough to fill up his canteen while they were hiding in the river. He shuffles through his backpack for the first aid kit and finds some Tylenol, and just hopes the inflammation in both of their throats can be alleviated at least some amount.
Niragi pauses when he remembers the flare gun on the table, because no one had bothered to take it; they didn’t think it was important. So he goes back towards the tent and grabs it, stepping out beneath the night and shooting it into the air, and wonders if the others made it.
And it’s a few moments of anxious waiting until he sees a flare shoot up into the sky in the distance, and he sighs in relief.
There’s nothing to be done now that everyone knows they’re alive, so he goes back to the van where Chishiya is breathing roughly. He sits on the floor by the man’s head, “You need to drink some water and take some medicine.”
Chishiya shakes his head, pushing the water bottle away, “Hurts.”
Niragi sighs, because yeah, swallowing fucking sucks when your throat is burned– if that’s even what the red smoke actually did. He pushes the pill between Chishiya’s lips, “You want to stay alive, then you do this.”
Chishiya lays there for a minute or two before his red eyes open slightly to glare at him, but Niragi is sure the taste of the pill is disgusting enough to have to drink the water. He winces and whimpers, but he must feel how the water is slightly soothing because he drinks a decent enough amount.
“Kui–“
“They know we’re alive, so we’ll figure out how to get to them,” Niragi doesn’t want him to have to speak if he doesn’t have to, “Just try to rest.”
“T-thank yo-you,” Chishiya reaches for him, so Niragi intertwines their fingers.
“Just rest,” Niragi says gently, “I’ll keep watch.”
He stares at those feline eyes closing and unhappily listens to those ragged breaths, but at least they’re not going to die, at least tonight. He doesn’t know if Chishiya would do the same, but he’ll keep the man alive. He owes it to the man. After all,
They were friends once.
Chapter Text
Chapter 10
“I’m thinking we go back the same way,” Niragi says, scrolling the map on his watch in the early morning light as Chishiya stirs awake beside him. He sat on the fucking floor of the van all night and his back is killing him, but it’s still less painful than the scratchiness of his throat. “We don’t know how long it will take to get to the others. And I fucking bet you they won’t leave without you.”
“That’s true,” Chishiya’s voice is totally fucked, “They don’t care about you.”
“I could’ve left you to die, you ungrateful bastard,” Niragi pokes him in the chest and he winces in pain. Niragi grabs the water and medicine from the armrest in the middle of the front seat, “Just take another Tylenol. You sound like shit.”
Chishiya rolls his– tremendously less red– eyes, but still takes the pill Niragi hands to him, “I’m sure you love holding that over my head now.”
Niragi responds by simply handing the man the canteen to drink to wash the pill down, before taking it back and doing the same.
“As much as I do hate to agree with you,” Chishiya says after the two sit in silence just trying not to argue, “That bridge is our fastest option…if it doesn’t break apart when we cross it.”
“Optimism has never been your strong point,” Niragi grumbles, just hoping that mentioning this weakness will get under the man’s skin. “We should eat. The protein bars–“
“I’m not swallowing anything,” Chishiya says stubbornly, “I’m fine.”
“I’m not carrying you if you pass out from exhaustion,” Niragi threatens, but Chishiya just raises an eyebrow like the man knows he will.
He still has to agree with Chishiya though. Because it night be a different form of torture as he swallows the grainy energy bar.
“Alright, princess,” Niragi slings the rifle on his shoulder after they make sure they’re ready to leave again, “Let’s fucking hurry before that smoke comes back.”
“I’m certain we’re being monitored,” Chishiya says as they go back through the path Aguni cut for them, “The smoke only came after us when we had to figure out how to cross the bridge without breaking it.”
“So you think the obstacles will have obstacles?”
“It only makes sense,” Chishiya really shouldn’t be talking, voice scratchy and weak. “Whenever we try to do something, they’ll try to keep us from succeeding.”
“And who are they?” Niragi asks curiously, even if he knows Chishiya doesn’t have a definite answer for this, “We never found out last time, so what makes this any different?”
“Purgatory?” Chishiya suggests, but Niragi shakes his head, because that just sounds ridiculous.
“We’re not being judged. Other than you and me I don’t think any of them have to atone for anything,” Niragi’s hand tightens around his rifle, “Something is enjoying watching us. It’s just a game to them. We’re just entertainment.”
“The Greek Gods often tested humans strength and will–“
“Please don’t tell me you actually believe a God– Gods, did this.”
“This is nothing a human can create. If anything it’s divine.”
Niragi frowns, because how fucking stupid to think they’re just entertainment for the fucking Gods. Niragi doesn’t even believe in God, and suddenly his life could be controlled by one. It’s enough to have him shout into the sky and curse whoever has done this. “It doesn’t matter. I just know they’re enjoying watching us suffer.”
He grabs Chishiya by the shoulder when the man trips over a root. He thinks the idiot needs to be more careful. Chishiya’s eyes narrow at him, “I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”
“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Niragi laughs, but it just irritates his throat, so he stops. He sees the opening that Aguni cut through and pushes Chishiya gently, “Hurry up.”
“I don't think this will support both of us. We can’t use the same strategy,” Chishiya eyes the weak rope wrapped around the left pole, Niragi stepping through the cut vines to stand behind him.
“Go first,” Niragi says, because Chishiya is lighter, and it’s not like he’s heavy, but it’s safer for the man to go across before him– just in case the rope loosens anymore.
“Are you really trying to play hero again?” Chishiya turns to face him, a complete lack of expression, and Niragi wonders why he’s even asking when he doesn’t even care.
“Go across the bridge–“
“No,” Chishiya says simply and Niragi might actually strangle him, grabbing his shoulders tightly and hoping to force him into submission with a fierce glare.
“Don’t make this difficult–“
“You go first.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“Why the hell are you pretending you care?” Niragi’s hands tighten even more on Chishiya’s delicate shoulders and the man winces.
“I owe you my life,” Chishiya says, “It’s only fair that I return the favor.”
“You don’t owe me anything,” Niragi loosens his grip, “You asked me, if given the chance, if I would kill you. I said no and I meant it. That also means I’m not just going to be passive and let you die.”
Niragi may be plagued by the violent beast rattling at the cage inside of him, but seeing Chishiya on the brink of death is something he’s not going to accept. He once wanted to kill the man. He doesn’t anymore.
Chishiya has always said they’re the same, so maybe he can’t lose the only person in this world who understands him.
“Cross the bridge, Chishiya.”
“If you die, I'm not going to miss you,” Chishiya says, and it makes Niragi smirk because the man is such a fucking dick.
He doesn’t smell smoke, but that doesn’t mean it won’t come back. They don’t have any more time to wait, “Go on, princess.”
It’s exhilarating to see the anger on Chishiya’s face, because it’s already been too long since he’s seen any emotion, and the man’s pain doesn’t count.
Chishiya walks away and Niragi watches as the man takes a step onto the bridge. It creaks beneath Chishiya’s weight and Niragi’s breath gets caught in his throat, wondering if the boards will break.
“You need to be quick,” Niragi says; there’s no telling how long the bridge will hold.
“I think that’s pretty obvious,” Chishiya clearly doesn’t like Niragi telling him what to do, but he still starts moving swiftly across the bridge.
Chishiya grabs the rails tightly, stilling when the bridge dips down lower than it should. Niragi’s heart beats quick. “Just go!” he shouts, so the man can hear him.
The bridge sways with each step Chishiya takes, but when he finally steps on the ground on the other side, Niragi lets out a breath of relief.
“Your turn!” Chishiya yells from across the cavern, and Niragi is tempted to call the man an idiot because he’s obviously going to cross.
He walks towards the bridge, and just hopes it can withstand his weight, and he’s a little over halfway, when he hears a creak– the bridge dipping further.
“Stop wasting time!” Chishiya actually sounds a bit frazzled, and his concern makes Niragi feel strange.
“Calm the fuck down, princess. I’m fi–“
Niragi barely has enough time to grab onto one of the wooden boards when he feels like he’s falling– one side of the rope snapping and twisting to the side. He hangs helplessly above the cavern, grip tight on the board.
“Niragi!” Chishiya screams, an uncharacteristic display of emotion that Niragi can hardly process as he attempts to hang on.
He has no choice except to climb, so he uses all his strength to lift his legs– hooking them in the gap of the boards. He starts to swing, trying to twist the bridge, but his attempt is useless.
He looks up to see Chishiya trying to pull up the bridge by one of the planks, but it’s obvious the man isn’t strong enough.
“Fuck,” Niragi curses, unsure of what to do. He just has to try and climb.
He moves one hand up to the next plank, then one foot into the next gap, then the other hand, then the other foot. It’s fucking hard when he’s upside down, but he’s not going to die in such a fucking stupid way.
He finally manages to get right side up, but he’s pressed between the bridge and the mountain. He just climbs and climbs until he reaches the top, and sees Chishiya staring down at him through one of the gaps with relief.
“Can you grab the pole?”
Niragi looks over at the pole. It’s definitely within arms reach, but he could easily fall if he tries to grab it…but it really seems like the only way.
He reaches up and grabs the pole with his left arm. He’s surprised when Chishiya grabs his arm tight in both hands. The man looks determined, “I got you.”
Niragi swallows nervously, because he’s about to put his life in Chishiya’s hands.
He still lets go of the bridge without a thought, losing control of his direction and swinging until his face hits the mountain rocks. Chishiya makes a pained noise at holding Niragi’s weight. The man’s legs are pressed straight behind the pole for support, because Chishiya could easily topple over the edge just trying to keep Niragi from falling.
Niragi’s feet scrape against the mountain as he tries to get his right hand around the pole. He manages to get some leverage on a slight curve in the stone, pushing himself up to finally wrap his other hand around the pole.
“I think I can pull myself up,” Niragi grunts, trying to lift himself up and finding any bit of rock that he can step on to climb.
It takes longer than it should for Niragi to finally climb up over the edge, and he collapses beside Chishiya on the ground– arms absolutely aching.
“You’re an idiot with a death wish,” Chishiya gasps out, and Niragi turns his head for their eyes to meet. The man is upset, and it’s just strange.
“I think I just have bad luck,” Niragi’s chest rises and falls with heavy breaths, exhausted from the exertion.
“It looks like I have to keep you alive too. You clearly can’t do it on your own.”
“Thanks for caring, princess.”
“It’s not care. Its strategy,” Chishiya stares at him, so he stares back, “You can protect us more than anyone. I’m not going to lose a valuable asset.”
Niragi laughs, because what an asshole. He sits up slowly, “We don’t have time to waste. We have to get to the others.”
“If they’re even still alive.”
“Don’t fucking say that. They’re fine,” Niragi is angry, because doesn’t the man care about their friends? Niragi pushes himself up to stand, “Let’s go.” He walks away without waiting.
“I wonder how difficult it was to get the key,” Chishiya says, after a few moments of blissful silence as they follow the gps towards the safe zone.
“I’m sure it wasn’t easy,” Niragi has been wondering too, because he knows it’s only going to get harder from here. “Fuck!” He backs up in fear at a giant as spider, as big as his fucking face, crawls on the tree to his right. It’s clearly unbothered by him, but he’s certainly bothered.
“Who knew you were afraid of something so stupid,” Chishiya says behind him, as they watch it crawl away and disappear into the jungle.
“I’m man enough to admit that’s fucking terrifying,” Niragi takes a tentative step forward, and quickly walks past the tree, walking a bit faster than he was before. He fucking hates bugs and he fucking hates this place. He tries not to think about whatever creepy crawlies are hidden in the greenery.
“Is that what it felt like when I set you on fire?” Chishiya asks, voice quiet, and when Niragi glances over at him he’s just looking forward.
“Yeah,” Niragi admits, “I guess part of it. My skin was also being burnt to a crisp too.”
“It was horrible,” Chishiya says, “I wouldn’t say I regret it…”
“But?”
“Our relationship outside of here makes me feel as if I should be guilty.”
“If it makes you any feel better, I’m fucking confused by how I feel for everyone too.”
“I know exactly how I feel about everyone else,” Chishiya goes silent, and it lasts for a few minutes. And just when Niragi thinks he’s not going to say anything he speaks again, “Our willingness to talk to each other is something I would’ve never thought possible. We shouldn’t be trying to save each other. We shouldn’t care.”
“I thought you said you didn’t care?”
“I don’t, but I feel as if I should.”
Niragi knows Chishiya can’t be processing this well– hating uncertainty. But he’s already accepted that he wants to keep Chishiya around. The lines between memories in and out of the games are blurring. He remembers the hate, but he also remembers the way Chishiya was there for him in his darkest moments. The man didn’t have to insert himself into Niragi’s life. He pats the top of Chishiya’s head, “Don’t worry your pretty little head. Just focus on the game.”
“Don’t touch me unless you’re saving me,” Chishiya says, shifting moving around him as fluidly as a cat. The man walking ahead of him even faster.
Niragi rolls his eyes, because he’s not the one that wanted to hold hands last night. But the man was scared– had almost died. Niragi doesn’t ever want to see the pain on Chishiya’s face again. It frightened him in a way he thought it never would, and cut through all the hate festering inside of him. Niragi has always been more emotional than the other, so he thinks coming to terms with their strange relationship is easier for him.
Niragi stares up at the sky strangely, rushing forward and grabbing Chishiya by the shoulder. The man tries to shrug him off, “Get off–“
“Look at the sky,” Niragi cuts him off, and he’s sure his tone is serious enough for the man to listen.
There’s a wall of translucent green in the distance, and Niragi can only compare it to the laser gates in the other games. He doesn’t like it.
“How high is the possibility that this could kill us?”
“High,” Niragi answers, because they don’t know what it is, and the likelihood of things killing them is much higher than the things that don’t.
“It’s not moving,” Chishiya says, “It’s likely it’s another gate.”
“But what’s on the other side?”
“Well we can’t just stand here. Why don’t you play hero again and go first.”
Niragi glares at the back of the man’s head, who clearly has no problem putting him in danger even with the admission of wanting to keep him alive. He sighs, “Fine, princess, just stay behind me.”
Niragi takes the lead, walking cautiously towards the green light. He hears Chishiya’s footsteps behind him, crunching on the ground as they walk through a path that’s clearly been cleared, branches and vines cut haphazardly. It’s just confirmation that everyone else went this way too.
The sounds of the jungle make it hard to think, and he never took the time to notice the silence as they were trapped in the smoke. He was too worried about keeping them alive.
The minute Niragi steps through the cleared path out of the enclosed space, he’s surprised when someone slams into him. Kuina’s arms wrap around him tightly and Niragi tenses.
“I thought you died, and when I saw that flare–“
“We’re fine, Kuina,” Chishiya says, back to sounding like he doesn’t care about anyone or anything.
Niragi is relieved when the woman lets go of him to wrap Chishiya tightly in her arms. He’s honestly just trying to process that Kuina is happy he’s alive, when he’s been certain everyone hates him again.
“It’s good to see you,” Ann says, “But I’d really rather have you behind the gate where it’s safe.”
Niragi looks at the translucent green that Ann stands behind, and realizes that this is the safe zone, and that nothing can get in except them. Kuina keeps her arm slung around Chishiya’s shoulder as the three of them step through the force field and enter the incredibly large tent.
When Niragi gets inside he sees more supplies, and a few cots to sleep on. There’s a pillow on each bed and honestly he’s just ready to sleep properly when he was cramped up on the floor of the van.
“It’s good to see you, Niragi,” Usagi steps towards him, but she’s still not close. She doesn’t look like she’s necessarily happy to see him, but she doesn’t seem like she wished he died either.
“Yeah,” he stands there awkwardly. Heiya and Aguni are sleeping on two of the beds, and Arisu is eating what looks like instant ramen, and Niragi would kill for a hot meal. The man stares at him, and he stares back for a moment, but then Arisu nods at him and he does the same. It’s not camaraderie, but it’s something.
“How did you survive?” Kuina asks, keeping her hands on Chishiya like she’s afraid he’ll disappear. He doesn’t necessarily seem happy, but is putting up with it for her.
“We found low ground beneath the smoke, and waited it out,” Chishiya says simply, and Niragi rolls his eyes because he’s the one that got them out of there.
“You sound like hell,” Ann motions towards the table and Niragi sees a metal pot, “We boiled water to cook the food that’s here. You should drink some to soothe your throats.”
“We’ve been taking turns taking watch,” Usagi says, sitting beside Arisu on the ground. They’ve laid out a blanket like it’s a fucking picnic or something. “You should sleep.”
“We went back to the van. It was already dark when the smoke cleared and it was closer than finding you. We slept there,” Niragi explains.
“Then eat at least,” Arisu says, “You look like you’re about to drop.”
“I’d rather not–“
“Just fucking eat,” Niragi cuts Chishiya off with irritation, “You’re going to slow down the group if you don’t take care of yourself.”
Niragi knows that the man’s throat hurts, but doesn’t want to admit it to everyone. But, Chishiya is being a fucking idiot. He’s going to get himself killed, or everyone else.
Chishiya’s eyes narrow at him, but Niragi won’t let the man make him back down, “Chishiya. Eat.”
It’s silent, and he feels like everyone is just watching their interaction, unsure what to make of it– if they’ll try to hurt and taunt and threaten each other like they used to. But then Chishiya simply walks over towards the table, grabbing a container of instant ramen and filling it with hot water.
“I think you’re the only one who can get him to do anything,” Kuina says softly, coming closer to him, “You saved his life didn’t you?”
“Does it really matter?” Niragi asks, uncomfortable with the strange look in her eyes.
“I’m just trying to separate who you used to be to who you are now.”
“I’m still dangerous,” Niragi points out, terrified that the first time he kills something here, that everything he used to be will break free.
“We all have blood on our hands– when we were there.”
“Yes, but I enjoyed it, and when I think of it I still do…maybe not Usagi…but…”
“You should talk to her.”
“I don’t think she wants to talk to me–“
“You’re her friend. She just isn’t sure if you’ll hurt her again.”
Niragi doesn’t say anything, because he’s unsure if he’ll hurt her again too. He lost himself in that world, and now he’s back. The connections he built with everyone feels so fragile, but it still meant so much, and it’s hard to forget that. If he was in this place with different people, then he wouldn’t hesitate to let himself become that again.
“Just think about it,” Kuina says, “Try to get some rest. We won’t leave until tomorrow.”
“Do you think that’s a good idea? We don’t know how time works here– how long we’ll be dead for.” If they can’t wake up this time, Niragi thinks, but is sure she’s thinking the same.
“You and Chishiya need rest,” Kuina places a comforting hand on his shoulder, “That’s what’s important right now.”
Niragi isn’t going to argue with her because the idea of sleeping on a bed with a pillow is too tempting to resist. He nods at her before going to one of the cots; he’ll eat later.
He doesn’t actually realize how tired he is until he lays down, and all the energy he’s been expending for survival completely depletes. Niragi feels sort of fucked up for almost dying twice in the two days they’ve been here. He has to be more careful.
The others are talking quietly, but Niragi is too tired to mind, closing his eyes and melting into the cot– even if it’s shitty and there’s no padding. He’s just thankful for the pillow, and it’s only a matter of seconds, and then he’s fast asleep.
When Niragi wakes up he hears heavy rain hitting the ground– pitter-pattering loudly even from inside the tent. He sits up slowly, feeling groggy and still trying to regain his senses, blinking his eyes to adjust to the low light of the tent. It’s dark outside, from what he can see from the slightly open flap.
“Looks like you made it. Wasn’t sure if you would.”
Niragi turns his head to find Aguni sitting on one of the beds sharpening a knife. He tilts his head to the left, cracking his neck before responding, “I have to admit it was pretty fucking close.”
“Chishiya said the bridge broke,” Heiya comes to sit beside him even if he never said she could. He looks around the room to find everyone else sleeping, each couple sharing a bed, but Chishiya is alone. It makes Niragi realize he never had a nightmare and needed the man beside him. He was probably too exhausted to dream.
“Thank fuck I’m strong enough to climb,” Niragi shrugs, but thinks of how shit he was at rock climbing when they went to the gym. It was probably the adrenaline that kept him going.
“I’m having a hard time figuring out what to think of you, especially after what you did to Usagi…but I have to admit I never treated men very well before all of this,” Heiya frowns, no doubt thinking about her past actions.
“Well I don’t know fucking anything about you before we woke up in the hospital.”
“I had to survive like all of us.”
Niragi has a hard time believing she survived like him– causing pain and destruction in his path. Aguni sighs, looking at him, “Don’t beat yourself up kid. You would’ve been less of a problem if I didn’t make you a militant.”
“I wouldn’t have been a saint,” Niragi says, remembering the rush of power he felt when he won his first game– the blood on his hands that ignited a spark in him he’d never felt before. “I’ve been a piece of shit for a long time, but the games changed me.”
“It changed all of us. You don’t have to act like you’re some fallen fucking angel that can’t have redemption. You think I couldn’t tell all your posturing was just to hide a scared little boy?”
Niragi thinks Aguni could be a bit nicer about it, but shouldn’t be surprised the man could see through him. Aguni would’ve seen past the power given to him, that he desperately clung onto.
“There’s no room for us to mistrust each other here,” Heiya says, “I trust you. I want you to trust me.”
“I know you got my back, but I know it’s not me you’re going to save if it comes down to it,” he glances between her and Aguni, “You too, man.”
“Well I’m pretty sure there’s a bitchy blonde you’d give your life for, so don’t take it personally.”
Niragi is about to say he wouldn’t die for Chishiya, but remembers picking the man up and running. He honestly would’ve been quicker on his own. It’s an incredibly uncomfortable realization. He never considered that saving Chishiya might be at the expense of his own, but it’d be impossible to help the man without putting himself in danger.
“Is that rain really rain?” Niragi asks instead, trying to change the subject,
“It’s not within the gate, but none of us are going to check.”
Niragi had to agree with her. It’d be fucking stupid to risk it. His stomach suddenly growls loudly, and it’s only now that he realizes he’s starving.
“I’ll boil more water,” Heiya walks over to the table to turn on the portable stove, and he waits patiently as she makes his ramen. He doesn’t know why she wants to take care of him, but maybe it’s her attempt at proving she wants to be a team.
“Thanks,” Niragi takes the bowl once the noodles are ready. He looks at his watch and there’s four more hours until sunrise, “You guys should get some more sleep. I’ll keep watch.”
“Are you sure?“
“I slept for like fifteen hours. I think I’ll be fine.”
Heiya gives him a grateful look, but Niragi can’t help noticing how her and Aguni sleep separately.
He eats his food and enjoys the sound of rain, drowning out the chaotic sounds of the jungle. His eyes flicker over towards Chishiya to watch the man’s breathing, and the rise and fall of each breath is much smoother than it was last night. But there’s still a pain in his chest and throat, but it’s much more bearable than before. He can’t imagine Chishiya is comfortable either, but must want to not seem so affected in front of everyone else.
Niragi was the one to see him suffering, and doesn’t think he’d let himself be that vulnerable if they hadn’t been together.
He finishes his food and enjoys the contentment of a full stomach, but he quickly starts feeling restless, so he stands and makes his way out of the tent.
The rain looks like rain, but he’s still not going to touch it. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t find it relaxing, trying to be assured that they’re safe within the laser field.
He hears the flap of the tent opening and turns his head to find Chishiya coming closer to stand beside him.
“I do hope you’re not trying to go out there.”
“I know you don’t think I’m that stupid. If we’re so alike I have to be smart.”
“Not as smart as me, but not as stupid as you come off.”
“How are you feeling?” Niragi doesn’t even hide the concern. Why fucking lie to himself? The little idiot has sunk claws into him and it’s impossible to not be aware of the man. Chishiya is a goddamn leech that he can’t rip off.
“I can breathe,” Chishiya says, but Niragi thinks that means he’s still in pain. “Kuina won’t stop being worried. It’s infuriating.”
“Just let her worry about you. She loves you.”
“It’s ridiculous. I already have to deal with you–“
“I already told you I’m making sure you don’t die,” Niragi cuts the man off with irritation, “I almost slit my wrists and bled out in my bathroom, but didn’t just because you broke into my house and stopped me.”
Chishiya doesn’t say anything, so Niragi just says more.
“You might’ve tried to kill me, but you also saved my life. We were friends, and I’m not going to just forget that because I remember how much you fucking suck as a human being.”
“You’ve changed, Niragi Suguru,” Chishiya breaks his silence, “I still don’t know if I have.”
Niragi used to think it was impossible, but returning to this place, or this new place, has truly shown him the way each side of him is intertwining. He didn’t understand the violence spreading like cancer in his mind, but now that he remembers the person he had become it just clashes with…
He honestly thinks the relationships he’s built are what’s keeping him from completely shifting. He wants to hurt, but he doesn’t want to hurt them.
“I don’t know what to tell you. I’m still trying to figure myself out.”
“I would’ve been…bothered…if Kuina died in the games. I hardly cared about my own survival,” Chishiya says, “But I think I don’t want anyone else to die this time, but risking my life for them– I don’t even know why I tried to save you.”
“I didn’t think. I just listened to my instincts.”
“Are you telling me to follow my heart?” Chishiya’s voice is borderline teasing.
“That sounds fucking stupid,” Niragi laughs softly, “Just stop getting stuck in that big brain of yours.”
“Each minute with you confuses me,” Chishiya’s voice is quiet and barely audible over the rain, “We built something, but all I want to do is tear it down now that I remember. I don’t want to feel anything for anyone.”
“I don’t think we can fucking help it, princess,”
He feels fingers brush his, so he intertwines them without even registering that he’s doing it.
“Does it still burn?”
Niragi takes a moment, because no, it doesn’t. It stopped hurting the minute he took Chishiya’s hand in the van. There was no throbbing ache, just a relief that he could feel the man alive.
It was always about Niragi; the touch was selfish. It was never about Chishiya; it was just about taking what the man would give him. He doesn’t think Chishiya really considered him either– when skin touched skin.
He thinks he wants to feel Chishiya to feel Chishiya. And there’s no selfish cruelty in this action. He’s giving and the man is receiving. He’s receiving and the man is giving.
“No,” Niragi says, “No, it doesn’t.”
Chishiya hums in thought, “It doesn’t hurt me either.”
There’s really nothing to be said after that. What else can even be said? They stand there until the rain stops and the sun starts to rise. And they stay there for even longer, hardly caring if anyone sees them.
Niragi refuses to let this be the end of them. They’re not two enemies on other sides of the room anymore; they’re together– side by side. They’ll survive. There’s no other option. They’ll survive.
They have to.
Notes:
You really think they wouldn’t both realize they care about each after almost dying? These boys are so in deep
Chapter 11
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 11
“The key was on a monkey?” Niragi stares at the back of Kuina’s head incredulously as she walks in front of him. The group is on their way to the second checkpoint, and there’s already nervous anticipation at what challenges they’ll face next.
“Yes,” Kuina laughs like it’s the funniest thing in the world, “It was around the monkey's neck, but it was super high in the tree and before anyone could do anything Aguni shot it.”
“It was horrible. We didn’t have to kill it,” Usagi sounds remorseful even if she’s not the one that did it. Niragi doesn’t understand why she cares so much about a dumb animal, but doesn’t want to be rude, so chooses not to say anything.
“We didn’t have time to waste,” Aguni grunts as he cuts through particularly thick vines to continue clearing a path for them. The jungle is dense and not easy to escape if they need to. It’s setting Niragi on edge.
He stares at blonde hair towards the front of the group, as he lingers in the back, rifle in his hands and looking for potential threats. Chishiya hasn’t even looked at him at all today, disappearing from his side once everyone had woken up. It’s clear between the two of them that they’ll work together, but the man seems to suddenly want nothing to do with him. It’s completely confusing and honestly pisses him off. It’s not him reaching out for Chishiya. Chishiya has been reaching out for him.
It suddenly feels like he doesn’t even exist, and knows that everyone feels the drastic shift in their relationship. Niragi doesn’t understand how they’ve gone one step forward only to go three steps back.
His tongue swipes over his lip as anxiety bubbles up inside of him, so he just bites his lip harshly until he tastes blood and just tries to focus on something else.
“What the hell happened between the two of you?” Ann asks quietly, slowing down to fall into step beside him.
“I have no fucking idea,” Niragi says, watching as Kuina makes her way up the group towards Chishiya, and he starts to wonder if the two women planned this. “He’s being a fucking idiot or something.”
“The two of you looked pretty cozy this morning.”
“We’re just friends,” Niragi rolls his eyes when Ann makes a sound of disbelief.
“I’d ask what you did, but I don’t even think you know,”
“Why do you think it was me?” Niragi glances over at her with irritation, but she’s just looking back at him with consideration.
“I suppose it could’ve been Chishiya, but it’s clear he’s affected, and that’s the reason he’s ignoring you.”
“It’s not my responsibility to fix something that isn’t my fault. I have no problem with Chishiya, but he clearly has a problem with me.” All that matters is that they just work together when they need to.
“I don’t think he knows how to handle his relationship with you. He doesn’t even know how to deal with Kuina caring about him.”
“I never had to deal with so much emotional bullshit last time,” Niragi mumbles unhappily, because ever since waking up in the hospital it's just been exhausting.
“You should try to talk to him.”
“If he wants to talk, then he’ll come to me,” Niragi says, “It’s not me who’s acting like a bitch.”
“Chishiya is stubborn…but he seeks you out more than he realizes.”
Niragi doesn’t even try to disagree with her, because it’s true, and the woman doesn’t even know the half of it– of what even went on between the walls of his apartment.
“If he wants to talk, I’m leaving it up to him,” Niragi says with finality. He’s not going to reach out when Chishiya clearly wants nothing to do with him– such severe whiplash that it has him dizzy.
“I only hope neither of you run when you finally realize just how much you care about each other.”
“We’re friends.”
Ann huffs out a laugh, like he’s just said the funniest joke, but he doesn’t think it’s very funny. Niragi isn’t going to deny that he’d jump in the deep end after Chishiya first, but he likes to think everyone else is still his friend to some capacity. He’d still try to save them too.
“We’ve been walking for hours and nothing has happened,” Heiya sounds nervous, and he can’t blame her. It’s unsettling– this waiting.
“We’re close to the key,” Arisu looks down at his watch, “It can’t be more than an hour.”
“It can’t be as simple as a monkey this time,” Usagi says, “It’s like they were trying to get our guard down last time.”
“We know what the game is capable of now,” Niragi thinks he does, and Chishiya does. The others haven’t experienced something so dangerous yet. And he can’t help thinking of the other animals in this place, because he hears them all around him in the trees and hiding behind the foliage. It’s impossible not to run into anything else during this journey and there’s no telling what it will be. He doesn’t think it’s going to be so easy next time.
Kuina is whispering furiously to Chishiya, but Niragi can’t hear anything they’re saying. It’s surprising to see the anger on his face, when he looks over at Kuina. It’s so rare to see him so vibrant that Niragi still enjoys the sight, even if it’s clear the man is unhappy.
Niragi is curious to know if they’re still talking about him. But he can’t imagine a reason that Chishiya would be angry with him, because what the fuck even happened between them?
Ann is wise enough not to say anything else on the matter, but she’s not necessarily making him feel any better at her next words, “I’m trying not to think of the possibility of all of us not making it.”
“There’s no good in thinking about it,” Niragi knows they’re all survivors…but Chishiya is right. He doesn’t think there’s a possibility of all going home together. He just doesn’t want to think about who they’ll lose and who will be left.
“I’m not going to let her die,” Ann’s voice is a whisper, and he barely hears it over the sounds of the jungle, “Last time…I couldn’t do anything.”
“What the hell even happened when you fought the king of spades?” Niragi has been curious about it ever since his memories came back.
“We never even stood a chance against him. It’s like he hardly even needed to exert himself. I went down first, and then Heiya, and Kuina… Aguni and Arisu were able to beat him, but all I know is Usagi was so wounded that she barely made it to Mira. It’s a miracle we made it back.”
“Chishiya likes to think our will to live kept us alive. It doesn’t matter the injuries when we wanted it enough,” Niragi still has a hard time believing it when he was so ready to die, “Everyone who survived fought to come back– even if they were on the brink of death and could bear the pain without giving up.”
“I admit I’ve thought the same thing. Heiya shouldn’t have survived– none of us should’ve– but somehow she crawled all the way over to Aguni just to know he was still alive. When Kuina grabbed my hand. It was like a tether. I just knew I had to go back with her.”
Niragi didn’t even consider Chishiya. They had meant nothing to each other– just fueled by hatred and finding violence the only answer between them.
It feels as if he doesn’t mean anything to the man again. He doesn’t understand how he was cut off so easily in a matter of minutes.
“Well I’ve got your back,” Niragi says, and means it, “I know you think I’m a piece of shit, but I got you.”
“I know you’re scared of turning back into that person, but I don’t think you will. You care about us…you care too much about him to let that happen.”
Niragi feels the need to clarify that he only cares because she’s his friend, because everyone is, because Chishiya is his friend. He doesn’t think it’ll change any fucking weird perspective she’s got. And he’s just happy they fall into silence again, and comfortably walk side by side.
“There’s a structure up ahead,” Aguni says from the front of the group after walking another mile or two. The path is widened, so it’s not as suffocating.
“It looks like a temple.”
Niragi starts to see the stone building, and agrees with Heiya. It looks like an ancient temple he’s only seen in movies and documentaries of ancient civilizations. It’s massive, blocks of stones stacked on top of each other almost endlessly. He’s sort of dreading what’s inside.
“The map said the key is here,” Kuina doesn’t sound very happy about it. “We have to go in.”
“I know there’s something in there…” Usagi says.
“The only question is what,” Arisu finishes for her.
“We can’t keep wasting time. Let’s go,” Aguni once again takes control, and everyone has no choice but to follow until they reach the front of the temple.
“What the hell is this?”
Niragi moves closer towards everyone to get a better look at the entrance, and finds Heiya’s confusion reasonable, but there’s clearly a code to open the door.
“It looks like a cipher,” Arisu walks closer and traces the Roman numerals carved across the stone. They’re all close together, so the first step will be separating them into individual numbers. “There’s letters too.”
Niragi moves past everyone to stand next to Arisu, and finds to his surprise digital screens. There’s twenty individual screens next to each other, each with the letter A. It’s quite clear what they need to do– assign the numerals to each letter of the English alphabet and spell out the code. Niragi thinks he’s decent enough at English.
Chishiya is suddenly beside him and Niragi resists the urge to let his anger be directed at the man, even if he’s fucking confused and wants answers about what’s happened between them. But it’s more important to crack the code, and the people most likely to figure it out are him, Arisu and Chishiya.
Chishiya runs his fingers across the numerals and Niragi knows his mind is moving a mile a minute as he figures out the meaning.
“It seems to be moving from highest to lowest.”
“So twenty-five to one? A backwards alphabet?” Arisu asks, and Chishiya shakes his head.
“The first six numerals start with six and goes down to one.” He points to each individual numeral, counting down, “six, five, four, three, two, one.”
“So then it can’t be seven next…” Arisu starts to realize the pattern, just as Niragi understands, “If the sequence is by six, then each number should follow that rule.”
“So this next one will be twelve,” Niragi points to the numeral next to Chishiya’s finger, hands brushing, but Chishiya moves his hand away swiftly. He tries to ignore the strange way it makes him feel and focuses on the cipher, “It’s surprisingly simple.”
“A is six and F is one, G is twelve and M is seven…”
“And so forth,” Chishiya continues, “Starting with the highest number in pairs of six, repeated four times. Z is twenty-five.”
“There’s numbers on the screen,” Arisu looks closer at the small numbers on the top of the screen.
It really shouldn’t be this simple, and even if the rest of the group is just watching them carefully, he knows they’re thinking the same.
“B…e…w…a…r…e,” Arisu swipes the screen to pick each correct letter, and Niragi really doesn’t like the sentence beginning with beware.
He watches Arisu continue the puzzle, and begins to feel uneasy as each word is spelled.
Beware…the…bea–
“Beware the beast within,” Chishiya says, already figuring out the code before Arisu can finish writing it.
“Well that sounds fun,” Heiya says sarcastically, and Niragi can’t help smirking in amusement, even if going in there might be suicide.
The second Arisu completes the cipher, the temple door begins to shift, and the sound of stones scraping together is unpleasant, sliding up and disappearing into the ceiling, until the entrance is revealed– hardly any light even with the torches lined up down the hall.
“I guess we have no choice,” Kuina says, and Niragi fucking wishes they didn’t have to go in and face the beast– whatever it is.
“Everyone be ready to use your weapons,” Aguni takes the gun out of his holster, already prepared to use it if necessary.
Heiya adjusts her bow in her hands and Niragi secures his hold around his rifle. He thinks Ann looks comfortable with her gun, but everyone else seems unsure about it. Arisu is competent enough at aiming, but Chishiya still looks absolutely ridiculous and Niragi knows he’ll have to look out for the man.
Chishiya takes a step forward and Niragi is immediately in front of him, not wanting him to be the first to enter when Niragi is more capable of protecting everybody.
“Stay alert,” Aguni says, and quickly makes his way towards Niragi for them to stand together and lead the group. It’s a bit nostalgic, remembering them entering the games together. It clearly meant more to Niragi and nothing to Aguni, but it’s still sort of nice to think about.
“Fuck,” Niragi curses as they reach stairs that descend into water. There’s no fucking way to tell how deep it is, and Niragi just knows something is in there.
“There’s the key,” Ann says, pointing in the distance, and Niragi follows the direction of her hand to see a key shining in the light from a crack in the temple. Fucking floating on top of a pile of boulders and steep rock.
“I have to get it,” Usagi is surprisingly determined with little fear in her voice. It’s impressive. “I’m the only one who can climb that.”
“It’s too dangerous,” Arisu shakes his head, “You–“
“There’s no other way, Arisu,” Usagi’s voice is firm, “We need that key.”
“She’s right,” Ann says, “Usagi has the skills none of us have.”
“Well I’m not letting her get in the water alone,” Arisu’s desperation to keep Usagi safe is understandable, but Niragi still thinks it’s stupid to not keep a calm head.
“I feel ridiculous just saying this, but I think we all need to get in the water,” Kuina is uncertain, but she actually has a point. If they’re going to protect each other, then they need to be together.
They’re all going to fucking die, Niragi thinks, as they all walk down the steps. Niragi tenses the minute his feet dip into the water, and to his relief it only goes a bit up over his ankles, but that still doesn’t mean it won’t get deeper.
“We need to cover each side of Usagi,” Aguni says, “If there’s a threat we need to keep it from reaching her.”
They immediately encircle Usagi when everyone gets into the water. Niragi decides to take the back, while Aguni is in the front. Heiya is on the right with Kuina and Chishiya, while Ann and Arisu are to the left. He thinks it’s a good balance.
Shit, Niragi can’t help thinking, when the water just keeps getting deeper until it’s up to his waist. It’s even higher on everyone else, but Arisu and Aguni are tall enough to have more leverage. The water is just below Chishiya’s chest and Niragi is stressed knowing that the man’s mobility is limited. Usagi is almost fucking submerged and Niragi is fucking wishing she wasn’t so goddamn short.
It happens so fucking suddenly that Niragi can’t even process it, as Kuina’s scream cuts off as she pulled under the water. Ann’s scream breaks up in terror, and everyone desperately tries to find her in the water. Niragi feels something brush his legs and he doesn’t even think, diving under the water, reaching out, but it’s not Kuina. It’s something else, slimy and skin rough. It’s just instinct, grabbing his knife and stabbing the creature, slicing it until he tastes blood in the water.
He comes up for air and hears a terrifying hiss, and there, stretching above the water, is a snake, at least the height of a two story building. Kuina is wrapped up in its body, gasping for breath as she tries to break free.
“Usagi go get the key!” Niragi shouts, and immediately adjusts the rifle in his hands– that he barely hung onto beneath the water, and shoots.
He’s always had a great aim, now that he remembers how to shoot a gun, and manages to hit the snake’s left eye and it writhes in pain.
“She can’t breathe!” Ann yells, and when she tries to shoot at the tail wrapped around Kuina’s body, he rushes forward and pushes her hand down, bullet going into the water.
“You’re going to fucking hit her!” Niragi yells right back, and hears an arrow whizzing past him as Heiya shoots, arrow piercing the snake’s neck.
It just makes the snake angry, and its neck snaps forward, mouth open and razor sharp teeth shining. Everyone dives out of the way, but he feels the head hit his side, and his heart beats quick, barely escaping rows of pointed teeth.
He comes back up from the water to hear Ann screaming for Kuina, almost louder than the gunshots as everyone just desperately tries to kill this fucking thing. He glances over to see Usagi climbing the boulders to get the key, and just knows they have to protect her.
Kuina’s face is red and Niragi knows they need to get her out of its grasp now. But the snake's body is as thick as a tree trunk and the bullets are hardly doing anything.
Its neck snaps out with precision and Aguni fucking punches the snake in the side of its face– head snapping to the side, but it just directs its attention towards Heiya and Niragi has a sudden realization and aims his gun again, hitting the snake’s other eye, watching as it pops in a gush of red. It pulls back with a hiss, both eyes caved in and dripping blood. It tries to look around trying to find them with just sound, but it’s overwhelmed by the sounds of gunshots from different directions.
“Do you still have that flare gun?” Chishiya shouts at him, and the man’s insinuation clicks in his mind.
“Get it out!”
Chishiya rushes behind him to get into his backpack, digging around for the flare, while Niragi just tries to cover everyone as the snake haphazardly snaps towards them– its loss of eyesight making it easier to avoid its teeth.
The snake disappears beneath the water, and with it disappears Kuina. Niragi curses, just trying to figure out what to do.
“Niragi!” Chishiya hands him the flare gun, and he takes it in his hand tightly, but he can do very little with the snake underwater. And it’s a matter of seconds before Heiya is pulled beneath the water.
“We have to get it out of the water!” Ann says frantically. They’ve all stopped shooting, too afraid to hit one of the women.
“I got the key!” Usagi yells down from the top of the, and Niragi sees her holding it in the air.
“Stay up there, Usagi!” Arisu doesn’t want her in harms way, and honestly Niragi agrees. She has the key; she’s the most valuable right now…and if they drop it in the water they’re fucked.
Niragi watches as Aguni dives beneath the water. It’s a few terrifying seconds…and then the snake emerges from the water. Kuina is limp in its hold– tail tight around her body, and Heiya dangles in the air– prosthetic in the snake's mouth. Aguni’s legs are wrapped around its neck and he stabs his knife into the socket of it’s right eyes. It flails as Aguni tries to hold on, but Heiya is thrown across the room and hits one of the boulders.
Niragi doesn’t have the chance to try and check if she’s alright, “Aguni keep its mouth open!” Niragi tries to make his voice heard as Chishiya, Ann and Arisu just try to hit the snake anywhere with their bullets.
Aguni rips the knife free, just as Niragi moves as quickly as he can in the water. The man drives his knife into the top of the snake’s head, mouth snapping open in a pained hiss. Niragi takes aim– knowing he’s only got one chance– and then he pulls the trigger of the flare, a burst of red light shoots forward– right into its mouth.
Aguni can’t hold on– falling into the water– as the snake flails wildly, body set on fire, burning up from the inside. It curls and twists, flames and smoke from its mouth. Its body stiffens, tail out straight and Kuina is released, sinking in the water. Ann doesn’t seem to care about the possibilities of getting bitten, swimming deeper into the water after her.
It’s not enough. The snake won’t die. And just when he’s about to try and desperately shoot again an arrow flies across the room– sinking straight in the snake’s eye and out the other, piercing through the side of its head and deep through its skull. It releases a loud hiss that shakes in Niragi’s body…and then it falls into the water.
“Is it dead?” Arisu says, as they wait with bated breath.
“We have the key,” Chishiya says, “We need to get out of here–“
Ann gasps out as she comes up from beneath the water. Kuina is in her arms, but she’s completely lacking color to her face. “She’s not breathing!”
“Get her out of the water!” Chishiya says, wading through it quickly to reach Ann as she drags Kuina up the steps. “On a flat surface!”
Niragi follows after them as the others get Usagi– just in case the snake isn’t really dead and they need to protect her. He climbs up the steps, wet boots sloshing, Chishiya is kneeling over Kuina’s body, checking her pulse point.
“Do something!” Ann cries, holding Kuina’s limp hand in hers.
And it’s with expert skill, that Chishiya places stacked hands over Kuina’s chest and pushes. He keeps his arms straight, compresses down with the heels of his hands, and Niragi watches the determination on his face. He’s counting silently and using the correct rhythm, or at least Niragi assumes he is. Chishiya suddenly leans down, pinching Kuina’s nose and the tilting her head back, and presses his lips to hers, blowing a breath.
But nothing happens. Her chest doesn’t rise and fall, no color comes back to her face. Ann is sobbing and Niragi’s heart beats quick in fear, but Chishiya doesn’t give up. How starts more compressions, until it’s time to give her air, and he repeats and repeats.
The others are here now, everyone tense. It’s almost denial, that this isn’t really happening, because Kuina can’t die– none of them are supposed to—
“Kuina!” Ann sobs in relief when the woman suddenly turns her head, coughing up endless water. Kuina takes a desperate breath, and Niragi isn’t even sure she knows where she is. Ann's eyes fill with tears as she looks at Chishiya, “You saved her.”
“I’m most likely the only one qualified to do this,” Chishiya says, out of breath and cheeks pink.
“A-Ann?” Kuina stares up at the woman, and Ann holds her hand tightly, tears streaming down their faces.
“We need to get out of here,” Aguni’s voice cuts through the tender moment, “We don’t actually know if that thing is dead.”
Niragi places a hand on Ann’s shoulder and crouches down, “I got her, okay?” She looks at him unsurely, so he just squeezes her shoulder comfortingly, “I’m pretty sure either me or Aguni should carry her.” …but he’s busy keeping an eye on Heiya after she hit her head.
So Niragi carefully gathers Kuina up in his arms; she’s weak and shaking, and clearly needs rest. So he makes quick work of leaving the temple, everyone else following closely behind, and when they reach the outside, sun heating up his skin, all he feels is relief.
“The safe zone looks close,” Usagi says as she checks her watch, “We have some daylight left, but we should still hurry.”
And Niragi doesn’t mind so much when Ann walks almost too closely to him, eyes flickering between the beaten path and Kuina. She’s worried about the woman, and he doesn’t blame her. He’s pretty fucking worried too.
Chishiya is just a bit ahead of him, and he wonders what the man is thinking. It’s ridiculous to not think that the blonde cares about Kuina, but just how deeply that care is is debatable. The man still saved her life, and that means something.
It’s nearing nightfall when they reach the safe zone. The barrier is red, and Niragi watches with interest as Usagi pushes the key against the laser wall, completely evaporating, and then the red turns to green, and she easily walks through.
“We should get out these wet clothes to dry everything. We don’t want our boots and socks soaked.”
It’s really not so difficult to cooperate with Aguni’s suggestion. Their survival is more important than embarrassment at sitting around in their underwear, as they hang and lay out all their clothes to dry. Niragi keeps his shirt on, and can’t help noticing Chishiya’s eyes on him– eyes tracing down to his stomach. But the man still won’t meet his eyes,
Ann has Kuina wrapped up in a blanket on one of the cots, while the woman thankfully breathes steadily as she sleeps. And it’s not very long until Ann is asleep next to her too, cuddling together beneath the cotton blanket.
It seems they’re provided with a bit more comfort this time. He even noticed a box of tea on the table.
Chishiya takes on the task of making sure Heiya doesn’t have a concussion, and she seems fine– as he says– but still advises that she doesn’t sleep for a few hours to keep an eye on her– meaning Aguni will watch her.
Niragi takes note of all the weaponry and ammo provided in the tent, making sure they restock properly after using so many bullets. He’s starting to think they need more than handguns, but he doesn’t think most of them know how to handle bigger guns.
He debates between eating and sleeping, unsure which is more urgent to satiate his exhaustion. But his sudden loud yawn makes the decision for him, so he goes to one of the cots and just collapses the minute he feels the soft blanket and his head hits the pillow.
He might be in very little clothes beneath a thin blanket, but the jungle is hot and heat still spreads throughout the tent. He turns to his side, blinking lazily and on the brink, but still watches Chishiya as the man heats up some water.
Niragi is still trying to understand what the fuck happened. It’s like Chishiya had a sudden realization that he’s not worth it– that what’s built between them is so easy to discard. But he doesn’t want to believe that.
He turns onto his other side to face the wall of the tent, because just looking at the man has his blood boiling in anger. Just this morning Chishiya was beside him– hand in hand– and now the man won’t even look him in the eyes.
I don’t think he knows how to handle his relationship with you.
Niragi finally has the time to consider Ann’s words without the anxiety of having to search for potential threats…because is that what this is? …but the idea of Chishiya running scared is seriously laughable.
he seeks you out more than he realizes.
It’s why he’ll wait until Chishiya decides to talk to him. He’s not going to let himself be vulnerable just to have it end up meaning nothing. This morning he liked to think that the two of them were in this together…but maybe together means something entirely different to Chishiya. Maybe he should reevaluate what that means to him too.
It takes him longer for his exhausted body to sleep than it should– the feeling of eyes on him, but too stubborn to give in and check if it’s true.
Each minute with you confuses me…We built something, but all I want to do is tear it down now that I remember. I don’t want to feel anything for anyone.
He told Chishiya they didn’t have a choice, but clearly the man is capable of it. Niragi can’t…doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to when it comes to Chishiya.
And he remembers the way the man reached for his hand… Niragi sighs.
He’s so fucking confused.
Notes:
Why is Chishiya like this?
Chapter Text
Chapter 12
Niragi's eyes open wide, gasp leaving his lips as he wakes so suddenly his mind struggles to catch up with his body. He stares up at the ceiling, trying to adjust his vision to the low light of the room– dark, too dark– as his body shakes with tremors, unsure whether or not his instincts are telling him to fight or flight. There’s an unanticipated touch on his arm and he sits up quickly, hand immediately grabbing the throat of the person in front of him in efforts to defend himself from the unknown threat.
“I-I should’ve exp-expected t-that,” Chishiya says, voice cracking as Niragi’s hand applies an almost crushing amount of pressure around his neck.
Niragi drops his hand immediately, disgust curling in the pit of his stomach from his violent reaction. It wasn’t even conscious–first instincts telling him to kill. “You can’t just do that,” Niragi's breaths are shaky, while he tries to make out the contours of Chishiya’s face in the low light. “I could hurt you.”
“What do you dream about?” Chishiya asks, ignoring his warning, as the man sits by his hip.
“Blood, dea– I’m not going to discuss that with you,” Niragi thinks the last thing he wants to do is try to conceptualize his dreams to Chishiya Shuntaro. He doesn’t even want to think too deeply about them in the privacy of his own mind.
“I can’t sleep if you don’t keep quiet,” Chishiya says, and Niragi huffs in irritation, because how nice to know that the man cares about his well being.
“Then go fucking sleep– what are you doing?” Niragi tenses when Chishiya grabs his hand tightly, and the touch makes his body feel like it’s bursting into flames.
“You said you liked me touching you,” Chishiya’s fingers move between his, and he’s surprised by his lack of resistance, “I assume this could be soothing for you.”
“In a fucked up way…” Niragi mutters, because he thinks it should feel good and not bad, but the bad is good. “...I don’t need your help…”
“Yet you seem to constantly do,” Chishiya seems almost sure that Niragi is helpless without him. “You can’t be left alone.”
“I could say the same about you,” Niragi accuses, “You could be anywhere, but you decided to be here with me.”
Chishiya is silent, staring at him with those pretty feline eyes, deep brown irises almost black in the shadowy room. Niragi has never realized how pretty the man is– well he understood in the sense of conventional attractiveness, but not to him personally– until now.
“Go back to your own fucking bed,” Niragi says, but there’s no heat in his voice, and when he tries to pull his hand away, Chishiya doesn’t try to hold on.
“Try not to have another nightmare. I’d rather not get choked again.”
Niragi’s lips can’t help quirking up into a grin, incredibly amused at just how any act of “kindness” from the man isn’t even attempted to be genuine– purely selfishness. “Then just let me suffer and leave me the hell alone.”
“I take no pleasure in watching you suffer, Niragi Suguru,” Chishiya doesn’t seem to be lying, but it also doesn’t really seem like the truth either, as the man gets up and moves to nestle himself back beneath the covers of his own bed. It’s silent for a moment, as Niragi tries to fall back asleep, and then Chishiya’s soft voice cuts through the quiet,
“Unless I’m the one doing it––
Niragi opens his eyes slowly, blinking tiredly and sighing at the vivid dream– memory– of the first night Chishiya tried to comfort him from a nightmare. He’s not quite sure when he actually started letting it happen in the span of only a few days, and when they stopped trading insults…at least during their time spent together sleepily in the middle of the night. He still enjoyed their–oftentimes– hostile bickering during the day. But Chishiya never came to him this time; though Niragi didn’t even have a nightmare, so there was no indicator he needed the man.
He hates that he’s uncertain if Chishiya would even try to comfort him anymore.
Niragi turns onto his back and sees a bit of sunlight on the roof of the tent from a slight gap in the door. The room is filled with soft breaths, and when he looks over at the other beds, he finds everyone else asleep. He thinks they were all too exhausted, but he’s at least assured they’re safe within the barrier.
He adjusts himself to lay on his right side, eyes immediately finding blonde hair. Chishiya is curled up on the bed beneath the blanket– only his blonde hair peeking out. It’s warm in the tent, but Niragi is concerned the man is cold. Everyone was pretty much soaking wet when they finally reached the second safe zone, and it’s difficult for them to dry off in the humid air of the jungle.
Niragi gets up, because he might as well, feeling dehydrated and hungry. He grabs his blanket and walks over towards Chishiya, carefully placing it over the man’s body– not wanting to wake the blonde up. Niragi stands there for a moment just staring, unsure what the strange feelings inside of him mean. He feels insignificant just like he did at the Beach, taunted and talked down to by the man. But instead of the urge to break that pretty face, he feels just…despondent.
Niragi shakes his head to clear his mind of his confusion, and takes a deep breath to clear the tightness in his chest. He walks over towards the table and finally takes stock of the food and drinks provided for them. It’s much more than before, and he starts to wonder if they’ll be given more “rewards” the farther they get in the games. It’s certainly a nice incentive– even if he could care less about homely comforts and just wants to get the fuck home.
There's a jug of water that they don’t need to purify, which is great because they haven’t had a chance to refill their canteens yet. It’s not enough to fill up each metal container, and he thinks it’s really just meant to use within the tent, but at least he can drink something when his throat is fucking dry and still hurting from the smoke.
He heats up some water on the portable burner, and grabs a green tea bag with so much enthusiasm that it’s almost easy to cry. There had been so much luxury and resources in the other world, but they’re just desperate here.
There’s only fucking instant noodles again, and Niragi has an idea that maybe they should hunt something, but he’s also hoping that there’s something better at the last check point. He’ll just brew some tea for everyone– placing two tea bags in the metal pot– and then make some food for whoever hasn’t eaten yet.
He sips his tea lazily, and tries to relax even if it’s almost impossible because he’s in this goddamn place again, only it’s worse.
“I smell tea,” Usagi sits up groggily, eyes squinted as she tries to adjust to the light. Arisu is asleep beside her facing the wall of the tent. She stretches her arms above her head, and Niragi looks away awkwardly. He doesn’t think they cared about stripping to their underwear last night, but that doesn’t mean he wants to ogle her. He doesn’t want to make her uncomfortable.
“Our clothes are probably dry by now,” Niragi says awkwardly, “And I made a pot of tea, so there’s still some left.”
“Thanks,” Usagi grabs the blanket on top of them and wraps it around her body to cover herself as she stands up. Arisu doesn’t seem to mind, totally passed out and snoring in fluctuating volume.
“Yeah,” Niragi struggles to meet her eyes. They haven’t really talked about it. He doesn’t know how she feels other than wanting to focus on survival as a team. He wonders if she hates him just as fiercely as before, and if she’s still afraid of him.
He steps back when she comes closer to grab the tea pot and pour herself some in one of the paper cups. There’s an awkward silence between them, and Niragi shifts uncomfortably on his feet.
“Let’s go outside,” Usagi says, and Niragi just nods because he thinks saying no would be the wrong answer.
Niragi follows her out the tent, and the rising sun has him squinting. He focuses on the sheen of the green barrier, and sort of wishes he could be struck down by a laser and not have to deal with any of this. But then he thinks he couldn’t leave everyone when he promised to protect them.
“I’m struggling to see you,” Usagi’s voice is soft as she stands beside him. He refuses to look at her, but doesn’t think she wants to look at him either. “I feel like I don’t know who you are.”
“I don’t fucking know who I am either,” Niragi admits. But each attempt to protect the people around him has that beast in him shifting. He’s dangerous; he’s violent; he’s unpredictable. But there’s an unselfish purpose to it now– an urge to keep everyone safe. He finds that he likes caring about people. He doesn’t feel so alone.
“You hurt me, Niragi. I’m not going to forgive that,” Usagi says, and her words have him wanting to curl in on himself, “But I also care about you. I don’t think you’re that person anymore. And I think I can move on.”
“But you’re still afraid.”
“Of course I am.”
“I–I’m sorry,” Niragi’s voice cracks, and he blinks his eyes rapidly at the wetness. He’s not sure what he can ever do to assure her that he’ll never hurt her again, because he’s still scared of the blood on his hands.
He tenses when he feels arms around him, completely unexpected, as Usagi hugs him tightly. His chest tightens and he bites his lip to hold back a sob.
Niragi gently wraps his own arms around her small frame. He knows she can feel him trembling. Is sure she’s aware of his sniffling.
He feels like he’s been torn apart and put back together. It’s not necessarily healing, because he’ll always be haunted by what he’s done, but this moment is profound. He never wants to break her trust.
“Thank y-you,” Niragi says, face resting on the top of her head.
“Let’s win this game,” Usagi carefully steps away from the hug, and when he meets her eyes she’s smiling. He gives a small one back, still trying to hold back tears.
“And then you can make me dinner again,” Niragi attempts a joke because this emotional vulnerability is uncomfortable. Usagi shakes her head in amusement at him, and he thinks he’s done something right.
“I don’t know. You’re becoming a pretty good cook.”
“Because you taught me,” Niragi says, “I would’ve just eaten convenience store food for the rest of my life.” And now they’re basically stuck doing it, he thinks.
“Usagi?” Arisu sticks his head out of the tent, eyes flickering between the two of them worriedly, “Are you alright?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” She asks, “Niragi and I were just enjoying the morning.”
“Good…good,” Arisu seems to be unsure about it, but knows that Usagi has no reason to lie. Or at least Niragi hopes that he believes her.
“Are you hungry?” Usagi moves away from him and heads back into the tent with Arisu. He doesn’t take it personally. It’s nice to have a moment to process.
Niragi stands there breathing in the air– humid and the smell of wet earth. He watches as the sun slowly shines brighter through the trees and thinks of Usagi’s touch– so different than the ones they’ve had before– violent and cruel,
He likes this much better. He’s just never experienced any of it from anyone before having his heart resuscitated and waking up in the hospital, still suffering alone. He wonders what he could’ve been if his life was different…thinks maybe he’s been given the chance.
Niragi lingers outside for a while, even after he’s finished his tea. He doesn’t think he’s necessarily waiting for something to happen, and he isn’t disappointed when no one else comes out here. His fingers twitch at his sides– craving.
When he goes back into the tent everyone else is awake. He smells instant ramen and more tea brewing. And his eyes flicker towards Kuina and is relieved to find color to her face and clarity in her doe eyes. She seems to be doing much better than last night.
“Are you going to eat?” Usagi asks once she notices he’s come back inside.
“I guess,” Niragi shrugs, because he needs the energy, but he’d really prefer not to have to eat the shitty ramen. He’d kill for meat or vegetables, and not just cheap bland noodles. At least some fucking seasoning packets would be nice.
He notices that everyone is dressed, but all their boots are still lined up against one of the sides of the tent. He walks over towards his hanging clothes and dresses quickly, feeling nervous being in such a compromising position– just in case he needs to protect himself.
No one is going to hurt him, but he has enough familiarity with it that he’d rather like to stay on an even playing field.
“The next checkpoint is significantly closer than it’s been with the other two,” Ann says, and when Niragi turns around, he sees her looking through the map on her watch as she sits next to Kuina on one of the cots.
“That doesn’t mean it won’t be dangerous,” Heiya’s prosthetic is scratched from the snake’s fangs, but she seems alright other than that.
“I think it’s clear by now that we don’t have a choice,” Ann says, “We’ve said it enough.”
“Everyone just eat and drink some water, and then we’ll go. We have no excuse, right?” Usagi hands him a paper bowl with ramen, and he tries to eat it as quick as possible. There’s nothing to savor; it’s just sustenance,
He doesn’t mean to, as his eyes meet Chishiya’s, but the man just looks away quickly and Niragi’s body fizzles with rage. He feels like a fucking toy– only paid attention to when Chishiya wants his attention. Niragi starts to realize that he hardly reaches out for the man, but Chishiya always reaches out for him.
Is Chishiya just hurt that Niragi isn’t putting in the same effort? He finds that each possible reason just seems ridiculous when it comes to the man.
“I suggest we take more weapons,” Niragi eyes the table full of guns, knives, swords and bows. There’s much more than last time, and further confirms his theory that they’re being rewarded, and further confirms his suspicions that it’s only going to get more difficult. “Take whatever you’re most comfortable with.”
“I might prefer a sword…” Kuina bites her lip in thought, “I was mainly trained in hand to hand combat, but my father taught me basic swordsmanship.”
Niragi thinks it’s beneficial to be prepared with a variety of weapons, and he’s once again concerned with Chishiya’s lack of experience with a gun. He doesn’t think the man knows how to handle other weapons either.
“You need more than a handgun. We were underprepared last time,” Niragi says to Aguni, who nods in agreement. He notices Aguni’s focus on the M249 as the man looks across the room at the table. He has to admit that a machine gun would be a major advantage, especially one made to handle easily.
“There’s a shotgun for you,” Niragi points out to Arisu, voice thick with amusement, and memories flash of their stand off in the middle of Shibuya square. The man grins at him and Niragi can’t help grinning back, because look how far they’ve come.
Niragi knows Heiya is perfectly capable with her bow, and even if it doesn’t do much damage against a creature like the snake, Ann has skills handling a handgun. But he doesn’t think Usagi or Chishiya are as capable.
“Just take what you’re comfortable with,” Aguni says, “We don’t want any mistakes if you can’t handle yourself.”
Niragi’s eyes flicker towards Chishiya again, but the man is just looking at the table of weapons from afar with a lack of expression on his face. But Niragi is willing to bet that he's angry he’s not good at something.
“We should get going,” Aguni stands just as Niragi finishes his noodles. “Pack your shit up and grab your weapons. The next checkpoint might be closer, but we don’t know what obstacles there are.”
“I’m sure we’ll be fine,” Arisu tries to keep the mood light, but nobody feels reassured. Niragi doesn’t even think the man believes himself. “It can’t get any worse.”
It can, in fact, get worse, Niragi thinks, as the rain pours down over them. There’s no giant snakes to fight, but they’re all soaked and absolutely miserable. The ground is wet and with each step their boots stick in the mud. It takes more effort to walk than it should.
Niragi doesn’t like how the heavy rain is the only sound he can hear, when they should be listening for potential threats.
Niragi lingers at the back of the group as he often finds himself doing, rifle in hand and trying to see with the rain dripping into his eyes. The sunlight has almost completely disappeared beneath the thick trees, and it’s almost impossible to see as they just try to focus on the lights from their watches. It could be so easy to get lost here.
It feels like all his energy is being sucked away, and he notices the sluggish way everyone else moves. There’s something wrong here, almost like all the hope has been ripped out of him. He just wants to give up when he knows everything is just going to get worse. But there’s a small part of his brain telling him that this can’t be true. He wants to go home…right?
Niragi sighs and peers up ahead. Chishiya is as far away from him as the man could be– in the front of the group with Aguni and Heiya.
There’s a part of him that doesn’t want Chishiya to know he’s upset at the shift in their relationship, but there’s also another part of him that just wants to fucking shake some sense into the man and fix whatever the fuck happened between them. He doesn’t know what he needs to do– try to–
he doesn’t want you.
Niragi’s head snaps around at the sudden voice in his ear, a chilling whisper that has the hair on his arms raised. He swallows nervously, because everyone else doesn't seem to have heard anything, as they continue to walk towards the checkpoint. It had to have just been his imagin–
Niragi sees something move through the trees to his right, but the leaves and vines don’t move, almost like it just phases through the foliage. There's something in there.
“Stop!”
Everyone turns to look at him, weapons at their sides, ready to be used if necessary.
they don’t want you.
Niragi shakes his head quickly to stop the feeling of lips against his ear trying to fuel his self doubt. He feels hands on his shoulders from behind, and spins around quickly to push the person off, but no one is there.
“Niragi, are you alright,” Usagi’s voice is barely audible over the rain, but then why is that voice so loud?
she doesn’t trust you. none of them do.
There’s a hand on his shoulder again and he swings around, rifle pointed and finger on the trigger. Usagi steps back in fear and Niragi drops the gun on the ground immediately. He’s instantly filled with regret, “I-I’m sorry. I t-thou–“
they’re afraid of you.
“Shut up,” Niragi says to himself, thick drops of rain falling in his eyes and blurring his vision.
He sees a shadowy figure linger behind Usagi and he’s quickly pushing her to the side. She stumbles into Arisu as Niragi’s hands just find air– almost as if nothing was there.
“What the hell, man!” Arisu shouts at him, but Niragi just spins in circles as he tries to find the creature.
“Niragi, you–“
“Can’t you see it?” He cuts Kuina off, pleading with everyone to just see, because he swears he’s not going crazy. It’s the games; nothing is impossible.
“See what?” Ann asks, and she steps in front of Kuina protectively, but he’s not going to hurt them.
“I–I…” Niragi feels like he’s crying, but he also can’t tell in the pouring rain. They’re so quick to mistrust him.
so quick to disregard you.
Niragi’s eyes find Chishiya desperately, and the man is finally looking back at him, but those feline eyes are narrowed in suspicion. He stands there helplessly, feeling like a cornered animal– like they’re just waiting for him to bite. They’re a unified front as they protect each other– from him.
He sees something move from the corner and pulls out his handgun, aiming in the trees, and trying to catch a glimpse of the shadow.
“Put your weapon down, Niragi!” Aguni says firmly, and Niragi notices the man’s gun lift slightly from the corner of his vision.
He’s releasing shaky breaths, hand trembling around his gun. He’s just trying to protect them; he’s not trying to hurt them. But they can’t see that.
look how they watch you. you are not one of them.
His vision flickers, for a moment he’s on the roof of the beach staring down at a dead body on the ground through his scope. He remembers the thrill, the rush, the power.
“Niragi! Put the gun down!”
“I-I,” he wants to put the gun down, but he doesn’t feel safe. They’re watching him like he’s dangerous– the enemy, like–
there’s always something wrong with you isn’t there?
Niragi shakes his head violently, because the only thing wrong with him is whatever this is. He blinks and sees bloody bodies in the hotel pool, vibrant red spreading across the surface of the water, but then he blinks again and the memory is gone.
it felt so good, didn’t it?
Niragi swallows uncomfortably, because it did, but it doesn’t anymore.
you’re lying.
“Shut. Up.” Niragi spits out, and tenses at the blurry sight of Heiya notching an arrow beside Aguni’s raised gun.
“Who are you talking to, Niragi?” Ann’s hands are raised to try to calm him down, but he notices her defensive stance.
you’re dangerous.
He’s not going to hurt them, even if his raised gun says differently. Niragi shifts on his feet– He hears a gunshot, feels it reverberate in his skull and he stands there in disbelief.
Chishiya’s hand is beneath Aguni’s, having forced the man’s arm into the air. The barrel of the gun is smoking in the rain and Chishiya screams over the downpour in anger, “Are you insane?”
“He was going to shoot!” Aguni shouts back at the other man, trying to push Chishiya off of him who’s just trying to take the gun.
I wasn’t going to shoot you, Niragi wants to say, but can’t find the strength to speak, struggling to processes that–
he tried to kill you.
Ann keeps her hands up towards him carefully, “Niragi, you need to drop the gun! We don’t want to hurt you!”
but they will.
“We don’t have to do this again!” Usagi's staring at him softly, but no one’s body language is reassuring– hands either on weapons, or close enough to grab them. But he’s starting to think they're more likely to kill him than risk their lives trying to save him…but Chishiya just saved–
no one will mourn you. not even him.
The gun shakes in his hold, and he fights to keep his finger off the trigger, even if he feels like he should shoot. There was never anything like this in the other games, because even if things didn’t make sense, they still did. But this doesn’t make sense at all. His thoughts don’t feel like his own, and–
they’ll never forgive you.
they’ll never forget what you’ve done.
Niragi turns his gun on Kuina when he hears her sword being unsheathed, and then it’s a matter of seconds and everyone has a weapon pointed at him.
they’re going to kill you.
“Kuina stop!”
“He’s dangerous right now, Chishiya!” Ann keeps herself between Niragi and Kuina, no hesitation pointing her gun at him now.
“That’s not him!” Chishiya grunts as Aguni pushes him back and he falls against a thick tree trunk. “Something’s clearly wrong and it’s affecting all of us!”
“It doesn’t matter if something is wrong. He can still hurt us!” Heiya says.
“That doesn’t give you the right to kill him! Lower your weapons!”
what a fool to think you ever meant anything to them.
But Chishiya–
can’t even stand to look at you anymore.
It’s the truth, and it’s painful. Niragi sort of just wants someone to shoot him, because he’s sure they’d be better off without him– with people they trust. How will he ever keep them safe if they can’t trust him to?
you’ve never needed anyone before. you don’t need anyone now.
Niragi really doesn’t need anyone. He’s always known how to be alone. He’s always known how to survive on his own.
The voice sends chills down his spine, but it’s sort of soothing now, a beautiful melody as he remembers the feeling of blood soaking him– the euphoria of his first game. He hears the sound of his knife sinking into a skull. He sees the fear and desperation in tearful eyes as he slaughtered them all– thick, crimson blood that splattered across the floor. He’s there for a moment, and it’s exhilarating–
No, Niragi thinks; he’s not going to hurt them– even if they might hurt him. His entire body aches as he tries to put his gun down. He sees the hostility on their faces, feels the tension and mistrust.
Memories flicker– blood, violence, abuse– everything he’s done. He can’t–
you want to.
“N-no,” Niragi says weakly. He really thinks he’d rather die.
you’re too dangerous.
Suddenly Chishiya is standing between Niragi and everyone else. The man is the only one who doesn’t have his weapon out, but he should.
“It’s this place!” Chishiya says over the rain, “It’s turning us against each other!”
“Chi–“
“You think you should kill him before he kills you, don’t you?” Chishiya cuts off Kuina, “Those aren’t your own thoughts. You’re all not thinking clearly!”
“And you are? Everyone knows you’d turn on us for him!” Ann accuses, but Niragi thinks she’s mistaken, because Chishiya has made it clear that they’re not as close as he thought they were.
“…He’s already tried to kill us before…you have to understand that we–“
“I know you’re not this stupid, Arisu!” Chishiya’s voice is difficult to hear over the voice in Niragi’s head.
they will never see you as anything different.
There’s a darkness in this jungle, and Niragi notices the way shadows seem to twist around all of them. He doesn’t understand why only he and Chishiya are the ones to realize something is wrong. He doesn’t understand why Chishiya is standing between him and them.
Still…the voice isn’t wrong…
Is it just making them all see the truth?
“If you weren’t all so ruled by emotions–“
“Like you’re not picking a side!” Heiya accuses the blonde, and her eyes flicker towards Niragi in mistrust.
“We need to get out of this jungle!”
“I’m not turning my back to him!” Aguni’s loss of faith in him is enough to have Niragi wanting to curl up into a ball and hide.
“So what? You kill Niragi and we’re safe?” Chishiya laughs, but he doesn’t sound like he’s amused, “We’re just going to keep turning against each other!”
“You think you’re so smart–“
“I am smart!” Chishiya cuts Heiya off heatedly, “That's why I’m not letting my emotions cloud my judgment–“
“And standing between him and us is what? I thought we were friends!” Kuina’s sword scrapes across a root, and Niragi’s heart beats quick because she’s not really going to hurt her best friend, right?
Niragi doesn’t understand why the man is even trying to protect him– why the man is risking his own life. Niragi would never ask that of him– not anymore.
maybe you should just end it. his blood will be on your hands.
It honestly sounds much more reasonable than pulling the trigger on any of them…because if he removes himself from the equation then there’s no reason for anyone to fight. He can’t imagine any of them hurting each other–
not like they would hurt you…and they’d do it so easily too.
“We need to get out of here!” Chishiya says, “Just trust me!”
“This is coming from the guy that almost got Usagi and I killed!” Arisu points an accusing finger at Chishiya.
“I also saved her life–“
“From him!” Arisu’s looking between the two of them with some sort of mania in his eyes. And Niragi is beginning to wonder if he’s seeing the past too. “He tried to kill you too!”
Niragi feels like something inside of him is breaking, and it feels like he’s slowly falling apart– little bits of him crumbling until he’ll just turn to dust and blow away in the smallest breeze. He’ll never be able to escape himself. It doesn’t matter what fucking bullshit has been said; no one is moving on–
come this way.
Niragi looks deep into the dark jungle, and listens as the voice seems to slowly move away from him. It’s so tempting to follow when all he wants to do is run away from the situation.
you don’t belong with them.
He’s hardly listening to everyone argue– screaming so their voices can be heard in the pouring rain. And this voice is so much more comforting knowing now that it’s only bringing him clarity. He doesn’t belong with them.
come this way.
He’s not really sure if anyone sees him walking away and slipping through the trees, but he’s not shot at, so maybe they’re too busy arguing still. He just knows that removing himself from the situation won’t give anyone a reason to see Chishiya as their enemy– not like him.
you weren’t supposed to survive.
Niragi nods, as he follows after the voice, and closer to the shadows curling around the trees. He sees fireworks at the edges of his vision and remembers the feeling of relief knowing he was going to die.
you were never supposed to wake up.
He never was supposed to wake up. He was supposed to die because that’s what he deserved.
you do deserve it.
you deserve to die.
Niragi struggles to see as the jungle grows darker and the air grows cold. He hears some strange sort of rumbling, but it’s hard to be concerned about it when that voice wraps around him so sweetly.
you never should have tried.
Niragi doesn’t think there was any point when he’s never meant to have anyone. He was never worth caring about before, and certainly not after the death on his hands– staining his soul.
finish what you started.
Niragi comes to a stop, standing on the edge of a gaping hole in the ground. It’s at least the width of a train and almost never ending as he struggles to see straight across. There’s no telling how deep it is, but the rumbling is louder. He’s not sure what’s down there, and if he should–
jump.
Niragi knows it’s the right thing to do, but he’s still hesitant. He hasn’t been afraid to die in such a long time, but now that he has–
you don’t have anyone.
“I guess I don’t,” Niragi says quietly. He thinks it’s been made perfectly clear that he’ll never gain their trust. They’ll never win these games if they’re too afraid he’ll stab them in the back. And if Chishiya is stupid enough to try and keep them working together, then he’s only going to get the man killed.
He doesn’t want any of them to die.
this has always been the answer.
you’re a cancer.
you’ll only prove them right.
everything you touch is meant to die.
you’ve always known how worthless you are.
Niragi takes a step over the edge. He hears someone scream his name, but can’t turn around to see who it is.
He’s already falling.
Chapter 13
Notes:
TRIGGER WARNING: severe bullying/assault, SA, derogatory language
Chapter Text
Chapter 13
The first time Niragi’s father hit him he was seven years old. He remembers the pain and fear less than his mother just standing there and watching. It didn’t take many times after that to learn that she’d never try to stop it.
It was the littlest things: not keeping his shoes lined up in the front entrance, accidentally knocking over a glass of water on the dining table, staying up past his bedtime to read beneath his covers with a book light. Niragi likes to think that he was a good kid. He doesn’t think he ever really tried to act out; it’s only natural for kids to make mistakes.
But his father never liked excuses.
So Niragi learned to keep his mouth shut– to be seen and not heard, and honestly not even seen. He learned that whenever his father was in a drunken rage– which was often– it was better to hide away and let his mother take the brunt of his father’s anger. It’s not something he’s proud of, but she never cared about him, so he just tried not to care about her.
He wonders why she never even tried to love him– why he’s never–
been enough. you’ve never been enough.
Niragi’s life flickers– snippets of memories that play out in the most tragic chronicle. He used to sit in the closet his father would lock him in, body aching from being hit by a thick leather belt as tears fell from his eyes, and just wondering why- why him?
because you deserved it.
He must’ve deserved it, because why else would it have happened to him? He’s just come to understand that some people aren’t meant to be loved; he’s never meant to be loved. It’s why he’s here– falling.
He wonders when he’ll hit the bottom–
“Niragi!”
Niragi blinks, trying to clear his vision from the memory of his father’s face. He sees a hand reaching out for him, a figure above him, but it’s too dark to make them out. He doesn’t even bother reaching back for the hand that’s desperately stretched out towards him. He thinks it's a sick joke that his brain is trying to trick him into thinking he’s loved when he knows he’s dying. He should know by now that he’s never meant anything to anyone– not even himself.
no one would ever come after you.
not your father.
not your mother.
no teachers or classmates or neighbors.
you shouldn’t have even tried to save yourself.
you should’ve just died that day.
“Niragi!
Niragi!
Niragi, please—
Niragi wakes up to the sound of screaming, and he blinks tiredly out the window across from his bed as the sun slowly lights up his pathetically barren bedroom. It’s something he’s grown used to over his fifteen years on this shitty fucking hellhole people like to call Earth– the infuriating noise of his parents arguing. It’s why he doesn’t even try to block out the noise, and instead burrows deeper under his covers as his mind catches up to his waking body and the dread starts to sink into his bones.
He peeks over the edge of his comforter and sees his school uniform folded neatly on his desk chair. He’s sure if he looked close enough, then he would be able to see the marks in the navy fabric on his pants from the bloody nose he’d gotten yesterday. He touches his nose carefully and winces at the pain, but is just relieved that he isn’t bruised. He knows his father wouldn’t be pleased that Niragi wasn’t strong enough to defend himself, but in his defense, he was held down so he couldn’t escape the baseballs being hit at his head. He would’ve run if he could, but he certainly wouldn’t fight.
He lets himself stay wrapped up in the safety of his bed for a few more minutes before he knows he’ll be unable to hide away in the safety of his bedroom any longer. He’s sure his father will come upstairs soon to drag him out of bed if the man isn’t contemplating it already.
“Good morning,” Niragi nervously walks into the kitchen. He has to say something or else he’ll be called disrespectful, but he also can’t say too much, because then he’ll be told to shut up. His father is drinking coffee and reading the newspaper with an ever present scowl, while his mother is washing the dishes; both refuse to acknowledge him. He notices that her cheek is blooming with a fresh bruise, and it’s a horrible thing to think, but he’s really just relieved that he’s the one who wasn’t hit. He’s learned that physical proof of his pain just encourages the other boys at his school to try and hurt him even worse.
Niragi stands by the fridge uncomfortably, fingers clutching a piece of paper tightly enough to crinkle the sides. “...mom?”
“Talk to your father about it, Suguru,” she dismisses him so easily, and Niragi often wonders what goes on inside her mind– if she cares for him so little because his father has killed all life in her, or if she just really just doesn’t love him.
Niragi swallows thickly, because he really should’ve expected her response, but sometimes he hopes that she won’t force him to speak with his father. She knows exactly what the man is capable of. He shuffles on his feet towards the table, but his father isn’t even looking up at him, even if it’s obvious the man has heard both of them.
“Dad?”
“I’ve told you not to interrupt me when I’m drinking my coffee.”
Niragi looks down at the paper in his hands. It’s a sign-up form to go to the art museum, and he really wants to go. He usually doesn’t get to go on field trips because they cost money, but Niragi loves art and he wants to go. He’s been trying to find the courage to ask them, but he’s scared. They’ve been fighting even worse this week and he doesn’t know why.
“It’s just–”
“Suguru,” His father’s voice is sharp– a warning telling him not to push.
He fights back the tears that prickle his eyes. It’s a little pathetic how he still cries so easily, when he should’ve built up a thicker skin. He thinks if he wasn’t so weak, then he’d be bullied less, but the other boys really like to see him cry.
“Dad–”
“Jesus, Suguru,” His father finally looks at him with annoyance, “What the hell do you want?”
Niragi shifts on his feet, looking at his father, but not really looking at his father, eyes refusing to meet the man’s. He’s so nervous he just speaks without actually thinking, and knows that it lacks all the respect his father expects of him. “I need 2,000 yen.”
“You need fucking money? Get a job.”
Niragi wants to ask how he can even get a job when he’s only allowed to go to school and when he isn’t there he’s expected to be home. He glances over at his mother, but she’s just washing dishes as if Niragi doesn’t need her help, “There’s a field trip today…to the art museum–”
“You don’t need to go there. You’re a man,” His father says simply, and turns back to reading the newspaper, signaling the end of the conversation.
Niragi struggles to see how going to an art museum wouldn’t make him a man, but he’s smart enough not to question his father’s way of thinking. His father often has a lot to say on what makes a man, and Niragi seems to fit in with that very little.
“Please, Dad–”
He jumps back when the table is jolted, coffee mug falling off the table and breaking into pieces. His father is standing up in seconds and Niragi winces when he’s pushed back against the fridge, head hitting the machine hard enough to rattle his brain a bit. He trembles pathetically as his father’s hands are gripping his shoulders tightly, man sneering up in his face. Niragi is taller, but he still feels so small.
“I said no, son. Are you too stupid to understand?”
“I’m sorry,” Niragi closes his eyes to keep the tears from dripping down his face, but he’s not sure if he succeeds because his cheeks feel wet. “I j-just wanted to g-go.”
“Stupid fucking faggot,” his father spits at him, “I don’t know how the hell you ended up this way, Suguru.”
“I-I’m not g-gay,” Niragi shakes his head quickly. He just wanted to go on his school field trip. He doesn’t understand why everything seems to think this about him, because it seems to be the reason why everyone wants to hurt him. If he was man enough would his father finally respect him? If he was tough like the other boys would they look up to him instead? Niragi’s voice shakes, “I-I’m sorry.”
His head snaps to the side when his father slaps his cheek hard enough that it stings even after the contact has ended. He hangs his head in defeat, because he shouldn’t have even tried. Niragi should know better by now. He shouldn’t expect anything different when it’s always been the same.
“No dinner tonight,” his father says, and when the man lets go of him, Niragi is smart enough not to speak, and just nods his head to show that he understands. It’s more than just him acknowledging a missed meal; it’s him acknowledging that he won’t disappoint his father like this again—
“Wake up! Niragi, wake up!”
Niragi’s vision splits between the anger on his father’s face to a hand reaching towards him in the darkness. He’s…falling…he’s still falling?
“Grab my hand!”
He struggles to focus, struggles to see in the darkness, but the person above him is slightly illuminated…by the watch on their wrist–watch…he has one too, so do the…others. He reaches out, wants to touch whoever’s come after him–someone’s come after him. He feels fingers brush his own, intertwining with his–
let go.
you deserve to be alone.
you're worthless. everyone can see it.
“Stay with me! Niragi!
Niragi!
Nir—
“Suck his dick.”
Niragi stares up at the four boys with wide eyes, not fully registering what one of them has just said. He sits on the floor with his bleeding nose and blinks up dumbly. “Wh-what?”
“I said suck his dick, Sugu,” the boy laughs, “I know you’d love it!”
“Ew, man, have him suck you off. I don’t want that weirdo touching me.”
The boys laugh loudly and Niragi is wondering how no one has heard them yet, because they usually corner him outside of school, but somehow being within the walls of a place that is supposed to protect him is terrifying. He tries to scramble away, but two of them grab him by the arms and keep him kneeling on the ground.
“I bet you my allowance that he’ll do it.”
“Two allowances,” one of them barters and Niragi trembles because he’s not going to do that, but he’s also scared of what will happen if he doesn’t.
“Fine,” the teen grumbles unhappily, leaning against the wall and watching as Niragi is cornered between the three other boys.
“Alright, Sugu. Let’s get this over with,” the boy stands in front of him, and Niragi struggles to break free from the hold on him, but the other two boys are too strong.
“Either this or we break your legs,” the boy holding his right side twists arm tightly and he winces.
“P-please l-et me go,” Niragi begs, tears dripping down his face as he thrashes in the restricting hold. “I’ll do anything else, just let me go.”
“Anything? I think he’s asking you to fuck him, man!”
“N-no!” Niragi shakes his head, but his chin is grabbed tightly and he’s forced to look up at the boy in front of him. “W-why are you d-doing this to me?” He’s absolutely frozen when the other teen starts unbuckling his pants and Niragi can’t breathe. His face is squeezed tightly, nails digging into his cheeks, “p-please, stop.”
“Come on, Sugu.” The voice is taunting, and it’s worse with everyone else shouting at him, Do it, Come on, Fucking Faggot.
Niragi hardly sees an escape to this situation, as his face is pushed closer to the other boy’s crotch. He has to; They’re not going to let him go. So he nervously reaches up, fingers barely grazing the button of the boy’s pants, and then he’s punched in the side of the face so hard he bites his tongue and blood fills his mouth.
“He was actually going to do it!” The boy starts making gagging noises while the others laugh, but Niragi is more focused on not trying to throw up at the taste of blood dripping from his lips.
“Dude, he’s so fucking gay!”
“Grab his legs,” One of them says, and Niragi can barely register being grabbed by both ankles and forced to be held down on the ground. He’s sure he pales when a knife is pulled out and he tries to wriggle free when his shirt is pulled up.
“S-stop! Stop!” Niragi’s stomach tenses when he feels the tip of the knife press into his stomach. He starts sobbing pathetically as it cuts into his skin, more terrified than he’s ever been in his entire life. “P-please.”
“We have to teach you a lesson, Sugu,” the boy with the knife says, “We can’t have faggots thinking they can try to suck our dicks.”
Niragi wants to say that he’s not the one who tried; they asked for him to do it. He’s not gay. He screams loudly, voice echoing around the dark locker room, as they keep him restrained and cut into his stomach. It feels like it never ends and each slice hurts more than the last. Niragi chokes on his sobs, snot dripping from his nose and–
“Niragi!”
He feels a hand on his chest, fingers gripping his shirt. He blinks blearily. It’s dark and air rushes past him as it feels like he’s falling deeper into something that’s sucking the life out of him, but this the hand on his chest and the fingers intertwined with his has him wanting to hold on.
“Come back!”
He knows that voice…right?
He reaches up, fingers finding soft hair and a gentle cheekbone. The hand on his chest slides up and curls behind his neck, as their bodies come closer, closer—
“Holy shit! Look at his eye!”
Niragi lays on the ground twitching, vision on his left side warped and tinted red. His ears are ringing and his head is pounding. It feels like his skull has been split open and he stumbles on his words trying to speak. “L-lt m g-o.”
“Dude his eye is popping out. I think you broke him!” One of the four boys cackles and when they poke at his cheekbone he winces at the pain.
“Should we take him to the hospital?”
“Why? The fucking faggot can take himself to the hospital.”
“If he can even walk—
“Niragi! You have to break free!”
He sees a face illuminated, and it’s so familiar– sharp eyes and a delicate nose, gently curved jaw and pink lips. He stares at them and tries to remember.
“Please come back to me,” the voice is softer now that they’re closer, and Niragi’s fingers slip into their soft blonde hair.
Something seems to click in his brain, “Chi..Chishiya…”
“It’s me. It’s me,” Their bodies come closer, and Niragi wraps an arm around a thin waist as they hold each other close—
“Mom?”
He stands there nervously, refusing to step into the living room because he’s not allowed to watch tv. His father isn’t home from work yet, so Niragi isn’t so afraid to leave his room.
“What, Suguru?” His mother asks, not even bothering to look at him, choosing to focus on her glass of chardonnay and reality television. He shifts uncomfortably on his feet, because he just needs to know.
“Do you love me?”
“What kind of stupid question is that?” She doesn’t even look at him.
He knows that it’s a bit ridiculous to have hope, but he thought that one day someone will actually care about him– that he’s just a normal human being who deserves love and affection. It was such an insane wish…but it’s nice to think about—
But Chishiya cares about him.
no.
Yes.
no.
“You’re here…” Niragi says weakly, feels the air brush by him as they fall. He wonders why they haven’t hit a bottom.
“Of course I’m here,” Chishiya holds him tightly, and Niragi holds him back.
“You’re the last person I thought would ever come after me,” Niragi buries his face into the man’s silky hair. “I thought you hated me.”
“Never…I never could.”
it’s a lie.
Shut up.
he doesn’t–
“Enough!” Niragi shouts, holding Chishiya tightly. “I’m not listening to you anymore!”
“We’re not going to let you separate us!” Chishiya screams in the air. He clings onto Niragi desperately, tries to press himself impossibly closer. “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have pushed you away.”
”Chishiya…”
“I can’t go back without you.”
Niragi’s heart thumps in his chest, and his arm wraps more securely around Chishiya, fingers threading even more intimately into the man’s hair.
”I want you here with me, Suguru.”
Niragi feels the way Chishiya’s body curls against his, and Niragi knows now that there’s someone who sees him, who cares about him, who wants to be in his life.
”…Shuntaro…” Niragi whispers, and wonders why he’s never said the name before when it fits so perfectly on his tongue.
He’s worth it. He’s worth it to somebody. And Niragi…isn’t afraid.
He’s not afraid anymore.
It’s instant, because suddenly they’re not falling anymore, and Niragi lays on the ground with Chishiya in his arms, staring up at the moon peeking through the trees. It’s like the darkness is gone, and everything seems clear.
“Are you alright?” Niragi asks softly, feeling out of breath and exhausted. His head is throbbing, but his chest feels light– a brightness inside of him that he’s never felt in his life, until now.
“Yes.”
“You saved my life.”
“I was just returning the favor,” Chishiya says, but Niragi can hear the teasing in his voice. His head is in the crook of Niragi’s neck and each word spoken is lips against skin, “Don’t ever do something so stupid again.”
“It wasn’t on purpose,” Niragi holds the man securely in his arms, “I wouldn’t have made it out without you.”
“Someone has to make sure you stay alive. It’s like you’re a magnet for danger.” Chishiya stares behind him and makes an amused little hum. “It looks like we had to go in there.”
“What?” Niragi forces himself not to keep Chishiya in his arms when the man untangles from him. He turns his head when Chishiya walks around him, and sees a shiny key on the ground.
“I don’t think anyone would’ve been able to get out of there alone,” Chishiya picks up the key and sticks it in his pocket. He faces Niragi, “You know–“
“We found you!”
Niragi tries not to feel like he’s in danger when he sees everyone walk out of the dense jungle and come towards them. He knows he’s safe, but the shadows still linger in the back of his mind.
“I’m so sorry!” Kuina embraces Chishiya tightly, “I don’t know what happened.”
“We almost killed each other,” Ann says, arms crossed and a deep frown in her face, “That’s what happened.”
“And then it just stopped,” Usagi says.
“What did you two do?” Arisu asks, glancing around the clearing nervously, like he’s just waiting for something to attack.
“It fed off our fears and doubts,” Chishiya answers simply, voice muffled in Kuina’s mass of hair, and Niragi huffs because of course he was the one to figure it out, “Once we stopped giving it any power it had nothing to hold against us.”
“Things just keep getting worse,” Heiya taps her foot nervously. “It doesn’t feel like there are any rules here.”
“Niragi,” Aguni is staring right at him, and Niragi can see the regret on the man’s face, “Are you alright?”
He’s silent for a few beats, but then he nods,” Yeah, I’m alright.” It wasn’t them; it wasn’t any of them. And even if he still feels the stirrings of their mistrust that wants to poison his mind, it’s hard to be upset knowing someone jumped in the darkness to save him. He doesn’t know who else would do it, but Chishiya is enough.“We should get out of here. We don’t know if anything will come back.”
And it’s sort of a sick joke that the safe zone is only three minutes from where they’d been pulling their guns on each other. He thinks everyone– except Chishiya– is trying not to be embarrassed at being so easily affected, and he’s just trying to remind himself that something else was spreading the fear and doubts inside of them.
There’s more supplies than there were in the last two safe houses, and it just confirms Niragi’s suspicions that they’re being rewarded…but it doesn’t feel like he’s won anything when they’re still stuck in this place.
“Are you alright?” Usagi finds herself beside him as he inspects a more advanced rifle.
“I will be,” Niragi says, glancing over at him as she stares up at him with her round eyes. He can’t help wondering what she thinks of him– if the seeds of doubt have blossomed in her heart. “Are you?”
“I’m just trying to get that voice out of my head,” Usagi admits, “It was me and Arisu against everyone else after you and Chishiya disappeared… I don’t want to think about what would’ve happened if it was just him and I left.”
“It was just trying to divide us,” Niragi looks through the scope and gets a feel for the gun his hands before putting it down, “If we’re not a team, then we’re not going to make it.”
“I guess it’s just difficult now…now that it’s actually been said out loud who we’d give away our life for…and who we’d fight to keep them alive…”
“There’s no use thinking about it,” Niragi says, because there’s nothing else they can do if they want to survive. And right now he’d rather focus on the feeling of Chishiya reaching out for him in the darkness. “I’m not going to let it stop me from keeping you all safe. Will you?”
Usagi shakes her head, “Of course I won’t.”
“Then we have nothing to worry about,” Niragi doesn’t physically comfort her the way she did for him, but he hopes his attempt at a smile is enough. “Go on and get some sleep. I don’t think tomorrow is going to be easy.”
“It never is here,” Usagi sighs, but she grabs his hand for a moment and squeezes, “Goodnight, Niragi.”
“Night,” Niragi’s attention is quickly diverted when he sees Chishiya disappear out the entrance of the tent. He follows quickly, and finds the man already looking at him expectantly. Niragi smiles, “You could’ve asked me to come out here.”
“I knew you’d follow,” Chishiya leans against the thick trunk of a tree and Niragi enjoys the way the moon shines on his lightly tanned skin. He closes his eyes, but doesn’t seem very relaxed.
“Why were you the only one not affected?”
“I wouldn’t say I wasn’t affected…I’m just smart enough to know that I was being manipulated.”
“It’s easy not to get lost when you hardly feel anything,” Niragi walks closer, boots crunching on the ground and he notices the frown on the man’s face.
“I think it’s very clear after tonight that I feel many things, Niragi Suguru.”
“Not just Suguru anymore?”
Their fingers intertwine easily when Niragi brushes their hands together as he leans against the tree beside the man, listening to gentle breaths as the tension in Chishiya’s body leaves.
“I wouldn’t have gone in there for anyone else. I hope you know that.”
“And I don’t think anyone else could’ve gotten me out,” Niragi admits, “…you’re not going to be a fucking bitch now and ignore me, right?”
“It wouldn’t do either of us any good in this world to deny our feelings. It’ll just get us killed.”
“And what feelings are those, Chishiya Shuntaro?”
“That I need you, and I know you need me.”
Niragi looks over at the man and finds feline eyes staring up at him, so he reaches over with his free hand and cups Chishiya’s jaw, thumb brushing over a delicate cheekbone, and enjoys the sight of those pretty lashes fluttering. “Am I taking Kuina’s place as your new best friend?” Niragi teases.
“Something like that,” Chishiya says, but there’s a sudden intensity in those pretty brown eyes, “This is the closest I’ve ever had to a family…”
“But?”
“I seem to know almost everything except how you fit into my life,” Chishiya’s free hand rests on his chest.
“I’m not quite sure how you fit into mine either,” Niragi has been trying to figure it out ever since they woke up side by side in the hospital, and he still has no idea.
“I’ll figure it out. I always do,” Chishiya’s fingers spread on his chest, and Niragi wishes it was skin on skin. “The things I’d do for you is completely irrational.”
“Like jumping into a hole in the ground without knowing how deep it is?” Niragi enjoys the little smirk on the man’s face. “I’d do the same for you.”
I’d do the same for you. The I’d die for you doesn’t need to be said. The meaning is louder than the words spoken.
They stay out there for a while longer, just touching and enjoying the silence, the feeling of body heat reassuring them that they’re alive together. Chishiya stares up at him with eyes shining with moonlight and Niragi is enraptured.
Niragi feels something spark deep down inside of him. He doesn’t know what it is or what it means, but he just knows that he likes it, and he wants to find out.
He just hopes he stays alive long enough to.
Chapter 14
Notes:
I’ll proofread in the morning. I’m so sleepy 😭
I hope you enjoy 💗
Chapter Text
Chapter 14
“We don’t actually know that much about each other,” Niragi says, sitting beside the man on the mossy dirt. He thinks they’re staying up far later than they should be, when tomorrow they’ll start their final trek through this first level.
“There’s very little to know,” Chishiya stares up at the sky as they rest against the tree trunk. It’s the only positive that Niragi has noticed about being here– the stars in the sky. There were hardly any in the city. “I have very little interests and I do very little other than work.”
“Then what are these very little interests,” Niragi bumps his shoulder against the man’s playfully, “There has to be more to us than shared trauma and being total dickheads.”
Chishiya hums in thought, “On the children’s birthdays the hospital would bring in cake for the families. I would always be there if they were serving chocolate.”
“So less out of the goodness of your heart and more for the dessert?” Niragi grins, because he’s such a fucking asshole. “You could’ve just gone and bought cake.”
“I used to think if I saw enough pain, then I would be able to mourn. And if I saw enough happiness, then I’d be able to smile. But it mattered very little that I worked with children. I remained unaffected.”
“You seem to be doing alright now. All it took was dying,” Niragi jokes, and Chishiya huffs in amusement.
“I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to how I’ll change this time around. It’s…unsettling.”
“It’s not like I’m used to being all soft and shit,” Niragi says, feeling a damp root beneath his fingertips and picking at the moss. “There was no question about my unhappiness before all of this. It just was. We just didn’t know it could be any different and now that we do…”
“The only natural thing to feel is wanting to stop it, but neither of us want to do that.”
“Exactly,” Niragi wipes his hand on his pants, fingers more likely green than not. “I don’t like chocolate.”
“That’s what you’re focusing on?” Chishiya looks over at him with a raised eyebrow, but ultimately sighs, “Well what do you like then?”
“Red velvet.”
“That’s basically chocolate–“
“No it’s not–“
“Yes it is.”
“Don’t feed into the propaganda. It’s a completely different flavor profile.”
“Vanilla is a completely different flavor profile, Niragi,” Chishiya actually sounds irritated and it’s incredibly entertaining, “Red velvet is just wannabe chocolate.”
“Let’s agree to disagree–“
“I’m refusing to agree with you on this even if it’s to disagree, because I’m not wrong.”
Niragi laughs, and shakes his head at the ridiculous man, “You’re such a brat.”
“Now if you tell me that you think honey and agave taste the same, then maybe I should’ve left you in that hole.”
“I don’t even know what the fuck agave is.”
“Of course you don’t,” Chishiya says. “I shouldn’t be surprised. You don’t even have soy sauce in your house.”
“I should’ve known you were judging every little detail in my apartment,” Niragi smiles, completely amused. It used to bother him– really bother him– when he felt judged by the man…but it just seems to matter very little now, as he begins to understand the depths of their friendship. “Is there anything you didn’t find unsatisfactory?”
“I enjoyed your couch.”
Niragi laughs again, “I shouldn’t be surprised. You took a nap there almost every day.”
“I don’t think you realized your attempts at making your apartment feel like a home. Everything about it was comfortable.”
Niragi doesn’t really know what the man is talking about because he’s never really been comfortable anywhere. He’s never known what a home is supposed to feel like. “What makes you say that?”
“The way you arranged your furniture felt like little pockets of safety. Everything about it felt soft– from your couch to bed to blankets. Even the tables and chairs were rounded, no sharp edges. You clearly attempted to self soothe and avoid any of the harshness you received in your youth before you escaped it…if you really did.”
“It’s hard to move on from something like that,” Niragi shifts uncomfortably, “I didn’t even know I was trying.”
“Well you thought you didn’t deserve it, so how could you know you were letting yourself experience it?”
“Was I really experiencing it if I was still fucked up from all that bullshit?”
“I think you should give yourself credit for even attempting to heal, even if it’s subconscious,” Chishiya sighs gently, “I was too preoccupied in my selfish desires to truly experience what I was chasing.”
“Yeah well I was an asshole to everyone and everything,” Niragi says, “It’s easier to be a dick to avoid dealing with bullshit.”
“We both hurt ourselves and others in such different ways, yet we’re still so similar,” Chishiya leans against him slightly and it makes Niragi smile, “We just wanted a chance to feel.”
“I’m not sure if it makes me feel better or worse that you were fucked up in your own sociopathic way,” Niragi jokes, but he’s also being completely serious, “I don’t like the thought of you suffering anymore.”
“I think me jumping after you is clear that I don’t either,” Chishiya’s head drops in his shoulder, “I’m incredibly uncomfortable with these feelings.”
“Yeah, well it’s fucking weird to care about everyone,” Niragi agrees, “I’ve only focused about myself for so long to think I’d have room for anyone else.”
“I’m not sure how to feel about knowing I’d choose you over any of them. I deeply care for Kuina. Being here has proven that to me.”
“Stop thinking that you’ll have to choose anyone. That jungle fucked us up, but we won’t let something like that happen again.”
“Are you certain of that?”
Niragi frowns, staring up at the twinkling stars and searching for familiar constellations. It’s quite frightening to realize that this isn’t their sky; they’re truly somewhere else. “Of course I’m not, but I’ll be damned sure I’m fighting for all of you.”
He thinks it doesn’t need to be said that he’d end up choosing Chishiya too.
“When I was a child I used to think I’d never have friends… and when I grew up I just stopped wondering why that was. I was too familiar with my apathetic life to think anything would ever change.”
“Then why did you stay in medicine if you were already so sure?” Niragi asks, because wasn’t that the entire reason the man entered medicine– to change?
“I supposed there was something inside of me that didn’t want to give up,” Chishiya says, “I hardly feel anything, and when I do it’s so difficult to understand, that I don’t think it holds any value.”
“Do you still think your feelings don’t hold value?”
“No, but I think they hold too much now that I find myself strangely afraid. I’m unsure what I’ll do if things don’t turn out the way I want them to here.”
“We can’t control what happens here; only how we react to it. This isn’t like the games before.”
“I feel uncharacteristically helpless,” Chishiya admits, and Niragi knows that it’s not an easy thing for him to confess. “I want you to help me be better.”
“Be better?”
“Teach me how to shoot. How to fight,” Chishiya has a spark in his voice that Niragi has never heard before, “I’m smarter than all of you, but when it comes to physicality I’m the least capable.”
Niragi has to agree, but doesn’t want to say that out loud and hurt the man’s feelings. He imagines it’s quite the bruise on Chishiya’s ego. “It’s not a bad idea. We don’t know what the next level will bring, and it might require even more proficiency with a weapon.”
“I most likely would have missed if I attempted to shoot you at the crossing.”
Niragi laughs, thinking of the way the man looked holding the handgun with a hand on his wounded stomach. “You at least took that shot like a champ.”
“It was much more painful than I led you all to believe.”
“Trust me, princess, I knew you were trying not to cry.”
“I’ve never cried before. I’ve been told I hardly cried as a child as well, but I don’t really think that counts.”
Niragi is curious to see the man cry now, but there’s a greater part of him that wants to avoid putting Chishiya in pain. “Well let’s hope no one ever gives you a reason to.”
“I already feel so much. I can’t imagine anything greater.”
“Me too,” Niragi rests his cheek on top of Chishiya’s head, “But unfortunately we all fucking care about each other.”
“It does put our individual survival at a disadvantage,” Chishiya agrees, “But don’t they say that friendships only make us stronger?”
“That’s such bullshit,” Niragi grumbles, because it definitely makes him weaker, even if it feels much better than being alone. Chishiya laughs softly and the sound makes Niragi smile. “We should get some rest. We’ll just make it harder on everyone else if we’re exhausted.”
“You’re probably right,” Chishiya says, but doesn’t make any move to stand, “Do you feel alright?”
Niragi knows what the man is asking; are you going to be able to move on from what you saw in the darkness? He thinks he can, as long as he has everyone else. As long as he has Chishiya.
He certainly knows that he’d be absolutely fucked if he was on his own. Niragi takes a deep breath and just feels relieved, “Yeah.”
They sit there for a little while longer, enjoying the silence, but ultimately do have to make their way back into the tent.
And even if they do fall asleep separately, Chishiya still slips under the flimsy blanket Niragi is nestled beneath and curls up against him in the middle of night– squished together on the small uncomfortable cot. Niragi holds him without hesitation, and falls back asleep to the feeling of their hearts beating in sync– breaths matching.
But when the sun rises, early morning light illuminating the tent in a soft orange glow, Chishiya is gone.
This time Niragi doesn’t take the man’s absence from his side personally, because the way their eyes meet across the tent says enough. Neither will ever leave the other’s side again. The only thing that could ever tear them apart is death, but Niragi knows they’d put up one hell of a fight before that could ever fucking happen.
“We’ll reach the end of the level today,” Ann accepts the cup of coffee Usagi brewed, and Niragi thinks it’s the best fucking coffee he’s ever had in his entire life. He’ll never take the simple things for granted again.
“The only question is what’s the last obstacle…” Arisu’s fingers run over the guns on the table with a frown on his face. There’s no new weapons provided, but there’s a fuck ton of ammo.
“I think we should be more concerned about the next level,” Ann says, “We don’t know what we’ll be walking into.”
“It’s not going to be the same,” Chishiya is so certain about it, and Niragi has to agree. It’s going to be an entirely new challenge.
“The end of the level is close, probably around the same distance as it took us to get here from the last checkpoint,” Aguni looks down at the gps.
“But it was the hardest game we’ve ever had,” Kuina looks down at the ground and Niragi sees the shame in her eyes. He thinks he wouldn’t call yesterday a game, more like torture.
“We just have to become prepared for anything,” Usagi has a determination in her eyes that Niragi actually finds inspiring. She looks so small and delicate, but she’s strong as fuck and he admires that. He remembers her fearlessness as he held her down– Niragi shakes his head. It’s better not to think about it.
“Gear up,” Aguni stands, “Let’s get this over with.”
“What a nice motivational speech,” Niragi mumbles sarcastically, but Kuina seems to hear because she laughs.
There’s very little time after that to savor the coffee, and force down some bland ramen. Niragi’s seriously hoping for some new food in the next level.
“Are you ready?” Chishiya is suddenly beside him as he stuffs some ammo into his backpack. The man is close enough to touch, but they don’t. It’s not like everyone doesn’t know they hold hands and shit, but it’s clear there’s still an uncomfortability doing it in front of the others.
Niragi nods, “Are you?”
“I always am,” Chishiya says confidently, even if they’ve all been fucked in each game and barely survived. It’s reassuring to know that the man hasn’t lost his annoying fucking ego. Niragi definitely doesn’t find it endearing.
Chishiya’s fingers brush against his arm for a brief moment, and Niragi wishes the man was touching his skin. He’s obsessed with the way it soothes him, a soft caress. He thinks it’s much better than the burning,
“Be careful,” Chishiya’s voice is quiet, an attempt at a private moment between the two of them as everyone else prepares to leave.
“I always am,” Niragi teases back, and he thinks it’s even more amusing that he’s hardly ever careful.
Chishiya huffs in annoyance, but there’s a small smirk on his face, “Just try not to die.”
“Don’t worry about me, princess,” Niragi grins, “As long as I have you I’ll be fine.”
“Everyone ready?” Aguni asks, and cuts through Niragi’s moment with Chishiya. He tries not to be so irritated.
“As ready as I can be,” Heiya looks like she’d rather eat dirt than leave the tent. Niragi sort of agrees.
Niragi sighs heavily, zipping his backpack closed. He meets Chishiya’s eyes, sparkling chestnut irises framed by full lashes. Niragi has a strange feeling in his chest, but he just knows that being next to Chishiya feels right, as their hands brush.
It’s why he tries to keep the dumb smile off his face as Chishiya walks beside him as they trek through their last stretch of the jungle. It’s reassuring to know the man wants to be near him again.
And he finds it horrible that he’s gotten used to the sounds of the jungle, and wonders if it’ll be something that traumatizes him when he returns home. He thinks he’ll probably just avoid going to the tropics; he’ll have a feeling it’s wrong. Just like before.
Niragi looks down at his watch; they’re getting close to the end, and still nothing has happened. He wonders if the game makers are trying to get their guard down– to ease their fears before the next level.
“Has anyone noticed that it’s strangely beautiful here?” Ann sounds incredibly suspicious as she touches a large pink flower that’s blooming from a vine. “It’s too nice.”
Niragi takes in the multicolored flora and the rich verdant plants. It smells of wet earth and the sun shines through the trees and illuminates the damp greenery in a gorgeous shine. He sort of wonders why the hell they would leave this place when the possibility of death only awaits them.
“Does anyone suddenly feel like they want to stay here?” Arisu asks, and Niragi wants to say yes, but also knows how stupid that is.
“It's psychological,” Chishiya says, “They're forcing us to decide between safety or continuing the game.”
“You could also say that staying would still be playing the game, and staying would be losing,” Usagi points out, and Niragi agrees. “Our hearts can only stop for so long.”
“And there’s no telling how time works here,” Kuina adds.
“If we stay here we give up–“
“And then we’ll die,” Heiya finishes Aguni’s sentence, and she pokes at a red mushroom on a tree with the point of an arrowhead. “This sort of feels like the worst challenge we’ve faced.”
“Well so far there’s no threat of a horrible death, just enjoying ourselves until our hearts can’t be revived,” Ann says, “It sounds like a much better alternative.”
“But we know how it feels to return home. It’s worth the risk,” Kuina fans herself with a hand to fight the heat, “If we didn’t know what winning felt like, then I could see how we’d be willing to stay here.”
“There doesn’t really seem to be anything influencing us like yesterday, but I sort of don’t want to keep going,” Niragi’s voice is quiet, so only Chishiya can hear him. He’s embarrassed to admit that he would easily give up if it meant no one else would get hurt, but then they’d all still die…but the question is if they would suffer.
“It’s what they want,” Chishiya almost trips over a root, but Niragi grabs his arm to steady him. “It’s temptation in such a beautiful oasis, where we’re left wondering if it’s better to die together and painless or at separate times and in pain. When we ultimately die, we’ll have no one to blame except ourselves. It’s a different sort of torture than dying any other way.”
“It might still fucking hurt,” Niragi says, “But it’d be better than getting fucking impaled of something.”
“It’s interesting.”
“What is?”
“Hearts, Spades, Clubs and Diamonds. I’m willing to say we’ve played one of each here.”
“There’s a fine line between which is which, but I’m not disagreeing,” Niragi would argue that this last game, test, challenge, fucking whatever, is easy as fuck, but with each passing flower glowing in the sunlight, he thinks he just wants to stay and keep everyone safe. It's playing with his heart just like yesterday.
“Clubs the first night, Spades and Diamonds at the temple, and Hearts last night and today,” Chishiya hums, “You’d think there was a blueprint for how each world is designed.”
“You think there’s more places than where we’ve been?”
“There has to be,” Chishiya says, sounding fascinated. “I’m sure each world is used more than once, but I’m sure they’re creating even more.”
“You sound like you want to see them all,” Niragi doesn’t like the idea of going anywhere else, and doesn’t like the idea of Chishiya going there either.
“Not necessarily. I’m just fascinated by the process. I always knew I’d come back the first time, but there was a part of me tempted to stay and create games when I was given the chance.”
“You definitely would’ve been the next King of Diamonds, probably beat the last guy too.”
“Of course I did. No one else would’ve been capable,” Chishiya glances over at him with a grin, “Except you…if you could’ve seen through your anger and kept a clear head.”
“I basically just fucked around during the last few days just letting myself slowly die. I wouldn’t have been able to beat a game on my own.”
“I didn’t think your priority would’ve been playing games.”
“I was mainly hoping I’d be able to find you and return the favor,” Niragi admits, but is sure the man already knows. “I really thought the three of us would tear each other apart.”
“You sound disappointed.”
“It would’ve been nice to know you two were in as much pain as I was…but it doesn’t matter anywhere. I see the two of you differently now.”
“And yourself as well.”
“I don’t think I hate myself as much as I could, so I’d say my self opinion has changed slightly too.”
“Well…last chance to decide if we’re going any further,” Heiya sounds like she’d be willing to do either option.
Niragi is distracted from his conversation with Chishiya and looks past Kuina’s hair when everyone stops, seeing a metal door embedded into the mountain.
“The calm before the storm,” Kuina’s hand tenses on the hilt of her sword, and Niragi watches the way her fingers grip it tightly. He’s actually looking forward to seeing her use it in action.
“Would it really hurt to stay for a few more days and build up our strength?” Arisu suggests, and it’s not like they all aren’t thinking, “If it was safe to get here, then it’s safe to go back.”
Chishiya is right; it’s psychological. They’re all afraid knowing it’ll only get worse, and this brief safety won’t be given to them again. Everyone knows it.
“We can’t stay. I know we can do this,” Usagi says, and he once again is encouraged by her resolve. He watches as she confidently walks up to the door, and he tenses when it automatically slides open the moment she gets close enough. She glances back at them, “Let’s go.”
Niragi puts his hand on the small of Chishiya’s back and pushes him forward, “Come on, princess.”
He can’t help noticing that it’s definitely a contrast to the environment they’ve been in for the past few days. Niragi takes in the large metal box as he enters the room, white on all six sides and completely barren of any life. The wall and table full of new gear sparks his interest, just like it does for everyone else as they all walk towards it to investigate.
“We’re definitely going to a new place,” Kuina picks up a a strange looking cotton scarf. She inspects it carefully, “I think it’s a hat.” She puts it on, but there’s still long fabric hanging on her right side.
“There’s a button on the side,” Ann grabs the fabric and wraps it around Kuina’s face, covering her nose and mouth, and fastens it on the left side of her head.
“Why the hell would we need this?” Kuina’s voice is muffled, so she pulls down the fabric beneath her chin.
“The clothes are extremely different to ours,” Heiya picks up a shirt, and Niragi touches the black linen when he grabs one too. It’s fairly thick but incredibly loose. He holds up the pants and finds they’re just as breathy.
There’s also heavy duty sunglasses that are supposed wrap around their heads and tan hiking boots with wool socks. Niragi’s just trying to figure out what to expect.
“What do you think?” He asks Chishiya, while everyone starts to get dressed.
“We’ll be exposed to the sun. There’s many possibilities as to where we’ll go,” Chishiya moves closer and Niragi enjoys the way their arms touch.
“Go get dressed,” Niragi’s voice is gentle, and he grabs his clothes, “We can’t hide away in here forever.”
He finds that this next outfit is restricting while also being more lightweight. The scarf around his head and the sunglasses are a bit claustrophobic, but the loose clothes make it easy to move.
“Do we have to keep these stupid goggles on?” Heiya complains, and Niragi grins in amusement at her whining. If the gear was given to them, then they’ll need it.
“Of course we’ll fucking–“ Niragi falls on his fucking ass when the room starts moving, and it feels like they’re going up, but the question is where. He gets up with irritation and rolls his eyes at Chishiya’s smirk as the man stares at him.
“It’s an elevator,” Ann says, and Niragi huffs because no shit, “What is this place–“
“Congratulations players on completing Level One. You are now reaching Level Two.
Niragi looks up at the ceiling as the slightly robotic voice starts explaining the rules. He already thinks it’s as horrible as the woman in the other games.
Players will begin at the starting point. Your goal is to reach the end point. There is no time limit.
There are three checkpoints. Each checkpoint is a safe zone. You must find the keys to unlock each checkpoint.
It’s the same as the last level, and Niragi is willing to bet it will be the same for the others.
Players will be given a map on their watches with the location of each key, checkpoints and the location of the end point.
There is gear provided to assist you in this level. There is no limit to what each player can carry. Choose wisely.
Niragi thinks he has everything he needs. He didn’t have to use any ammo in his backpack…but he can’t help noticing all the weapons on the table. There’s a noticeable lack of guns as last time and so many other weapons: daggers, swords, bow and arrows, crossbows…he’s trying to figure out what they all have in common. The rifle around his shoulder suddenly feels insufficient.
A helpful tip: Avoid the gnashing teeth.
Good luck players. And remember
Survive.”
“Just as fucking cryptic as before,” Niragi says, adjusting the glasses on his head that are way too fucking tight. He looks down at his watch and notices the map has changed, but it shows very little as to what the new terrain will be.
“I have a suspicion that having a skilled aim is going to be important here,” Chishiya says, and Niragi looks over to see the frown on the man’s face.
“You’ll be with me, princess, don’t worry,” Niragi gets into Chishiya’s space and bumps their arms together, “I’ll teach you how to shoot too.”
“We shouldn’t be using guns.”
“What makes you say that?” Niragi asks curiously, because he admits it crossed his mind with all the varieties of weapons.
“It’s just a feeling. It doesn’t make sense that there’s so much weaponry that requires arm and core strength. I’d assume a gun would be the easiest for defending ourselves.
“I’d still recommend you use a gun then,” Niragi says, and rolls his eyes at the glare Chishiya gives him, but the scrawny little thing can’t use anything else. It would probably get the man killed faster than shitty aim.
The elevator comes to a stop, shaking a bit as it reaches the top, so Niragi adjusts his footing to make sure he doesn’t fall again. He stands there unsure what’s going to happen, but then one of the walls clicks and divides horizontally– opening slowly.
Niragi immediately squints his eyes from the bright yellowish light that fills the room. It’s hot, a dry heat that makes it hard to breathe in a completely different way to the humidity. His face scrunches up as the wind blows in through the door and he pulls up the mask to protect himself from the dirt that hits his face.
His eyes take a moment to adjust, and then Niragi is staring at the desert in front of him.
He doesn’t think this terrain is going to be any easier, and if anything it’s just going to be even harder to survive. He thinks they should’ve found somewhere to fill up their canteens.
There’s not even a road, just dunes of sand, and Niragi glances over at Heiya’s prosthetic, and wonders if she’ll be able to walk on the soft ground.
“The goggles make sense now,” Heiya says beneath her scarf, and Niragi thinks he’ll just have to get used to the muffled way everyone sounds.
“We should hurry and get to the next checkpoint,” Ann has a SCAR pistol in her hand, while there’s a handgun and knife strapped to her thighs just like everyone else. He’s assured that she can handle it, but doesn’t like the way Usagi and Chishiya aren’t carrying anything more than that.
“Should we sand walk or something, like in Dune?” Kuina tentatively steps onto the sand and Niragi wants to laugh, but nothing is impossible here, so he doesn’t.
“It seems unlikely that they would give us a creature we were incapable of killing,” Chishiya says, and huffs in irritation as his boots sink into the sand.
“Who is they?” Heiya asks.
“Chishiya thinks it’s God,” Niragi groans when the man hits him in the arm hard. “It's not the stupidest theory.”
“If there was anything capable of creating this, then a higher power seems likely,” Aguni makes his place at the head of the group as they all uncomfortably try walk up the large dune without falling.
“Extraterrestrials?” Arisu suggests, but that just makes them all laugh, because how fucking dumb. “Mira said it’s technology from the future…or at least that’s one of the things she said, but we were on drugs, so I don’t really remember.”
“Maybe we can find some fucking drugs in this place,” Niragi grumbles, foot sinking into the sand and pulling his leg out with far too much effort than walking should take.
“You’ve never done drugs, Niragi,” Kuina says, like she’s known him for years, and he rolls his eyes in annoyance, because it’s not like she’s wrong.
“What the hell is this place?”
Niragi easily agrees with Heiya’s sentiment when they get over the dune and onto much more level ground. He looks around and his face scrunches up in confusion. There’s shit everywhere. The only thing he can compare it to is the aftermath of a disaster with all the debris on and half buried under the sand.
He walks over towards an abandoned car with the windows smashed, and frowns at the blood in the backseat. It’s not fresh; it’s clearly dry. That still doesn’t make him feel any better. It just means there are other people here, and something injured them.
“It’s windy up here,” Aguni says, and Niragi takes note of all the sand swirling in the air, “We should find shelter soon if there’s a storm.”
“I think we’d like to avoid the cold as well,” Chishiya adds, walking over towards Niragi, but he stops the man making it over to the car by having them meet halfway. There’s no use worrying the rest of them by his discovery.
“Is that buildings?” Kuina points off far into the distance, but the sand in the air makes visibility quite difficult. He still sees the cluster of unmoving shapes and agrees.
“If it is, it’s definitely not safe,” Arisu is really just stating the obvious.
“It’s in the direction of the checkpoint. Of course it isn’t,” Ann is basically calling the guy an idiot, and it makes Niragi smirk. “We have to go that way.”
“Stay by me,” Niragi tells Chishiya as the two of them linger at the back of the groups. It’s easier to walk now that the sand is more compact and flat, so it’s reassuring to know he can run if he needs to.
“Where else would I go?” Chishiya’s fingers brush the edges of his harnessed gun, and Niragi once again thinks there’s something about the guns that they’re not seeing.
There were so many other weapons that maybe he should’ve picked something else. But he doesn’t know shit about any long range weapons other than guns.
“I was used to so much noise in the jungle,” Usagi says, and other than the wind, they don’t even hear their footsteps. Niragi honestly finds this even more unsettling.
Chishiya hums in thought, “That’s interesting.”
“The quiet?” Niragi’s hands tighten on his gun as he nibbles on his lip in thought.
“I’m curious to know what a simple noise would attract in this place…” Chishiya glances over at him and it’s frustrating to not be able to see the man’s face, “Perhaps we should’ve used different weaponry.”
“You think our guns are too loud?” Aguni asks from the front, and it seems to click for Niragi. They might’ve just fucked themselves.
“I know our guns are too loud,” Chishiya answers, and Niragi knows that he’s frustrated and upset that he didn't come to the conclusion before they started the level.
“It’s not like we’ll just be shooting them up in the air,” Arisu inspects his triple barrel shotgun, and Niragi guesses that Arisu is just as embarrassed.
“Then we avoid using our guns unless we need to,” Ann says, but that’s not very reassuring when they’ll have to resort to close hand combat.
Niragi thinks even less of them are capable in fighting than using a gun, and even if Arisu is able to throw a few good punches, the man will need to be looked after too. Niragi nudges Chishiya, voice soft, “Do you know how to hold a knife?”
“You know that I don’t,” Chishiya said quietly, so no one else can hear his weakness.
Niragi pulls the knife from his own harness on his left thigh. It’s a tactical knife just about the length of the bottom of his palm to the tip of his middle fingers, and the sharpest edge is serrated with a grooved handle grooves for each finger to wrap around it comfortably. “There’s lots of different ways to hold a knife, but a lot of different ways to hurt yourself if you don’t know what you’re doing.”
“So then how should I hold it?” Chishiya takes out his own knife, and touches the tip to test its sharpness. Niragi doesn’t think he should have to tell the man not to do that.
“I think you should focus more on agility than power. I don’t think you realize how quick you are when you actually want to be,” Niragi grins, “You dodged my bullet up on the roof. It was impressive.”
“There’s two holds you should get comfortable with,” Niragi holds the blade and shows Chishiya, “Sharp edge facing down, fingers on the bottom of the hilt and thumb straight on the opposite side. Keep your thumb pressed against the curve on the tilt to keep your hand from sliding down the blade. And don’t keep your fingers squished together, keep them spread slightly on the hilt.”
Niragi watches as Chishiya copies the hold and just knows that the man is unsure about his capabilities of using a knife effectively.
“This will give you more mobility, but if you need to use more power, then you should hold it completely opposite to what you’re doing now. I’d still recommend using this hold as your go to.”
Chishiya twists his wrist slowly, and moves his arm back and force, getting the feel for it, “And the other?”
Niragi adjusts his grip on the knife, “Sharp end facing up, fist around the hilt, thumb on the end of the hilt. Think of it like opening a ramune bottle with one hand.”
Chishiya lets out a little noise of amusement, but still copies, “I can really only stab down with this hold.”
“Yeah it’s more for like stabbing someone in the skull or heart, but it’s far too close combat than I’d like you to have.”
“So then you just need to make sure I don’t have to do anything,” Chishiya sheathes his knife and Niragi does the same. “Why do I need to worry when I'm with you?”
Niragi nods, because it’s been proven multiple times that they’re better when they’re together, than alone. “You said you wanted to learn how to defend yourself. It’s good to be prepared. We don’t know who’s out here.”
“Who?” Chishiya looks over at him and Niragi just knows there’s suspicion in those pretty eyes. “What are you not telling me?”
“It’s nothing, just–“
“Oh my god, it’s so hot,” Kuina complains ahead of him, and Niragi was honestly just trying not to think about it, but even with the clothes keeping them cool, it’s impossible to not be affected by the heat. He’s sort of relieved she’s cut off his conversation with Chishiya.
“Where are we?” Usagi’s confidence falters as they get closer towards the checkpoint. They’ve been steadily passing more debris, and have finally ended up on a sandy road. They’re on the edges of a city, judging from the skyscrapers he can see in the distance, but it’s not anywhere Niragi is familiar with.
“Anyone get apocalypse vibes?” Heiya is walking easier now that the ground is completely flat. “It’s like before only we’re not in Tokyo.”
“And we’re in the desert,” Ann says.
Niragi looks on either side of him and notices the sand dunes. They’re practically trapped between the harsh desert and forced to stay in the city that makes him grow increasingly restless. There’s no possibility of survival outside of here; they’d die from being out in these conditions for too long.
“It’s almost like this place is falling apart,” Arisu notices the broken windows in the buildings and the rusty cars on the streets. “It’s completely abandoned.”
Niragi is willing to bet it’s not, and he’s willing to bet that something horrible happened here, and they’re going to find out what. His eyes scan all the homes, and the suburbia should be comforting as they get closer to the larger buildings, but it’s just unsettling. Niragi swears he sees something move in the window of one of the homes and his grip on his gun tightens.
He looks down at his watch and sighs in relief when he sees how close they are; at least five more miles.
“Is that a grocery store?” Kuina points in the distance, and through the sand, Niragi can see something that looks like a grocery store, shopping carts stacked up in the front.
“Perhaps we won’t be given resources this time,” Chishiya says.
“So we’ll need to collect supplies then,” Aguni sounds irritated and Niragi is too, because he thought they’d at least be given more shit at the first checkpoint.
“Am I the only one thinking that we’re supposed to go in there and something horrible will happen?” Arisu definitely isn’t the only one.
“We don’t have a choice. We need food and water,” Niragi sighs, because it’s not going to be easy.
The grocery store is abandoned when they get there, just like everything else seems to be, and he’s not so sure if it’s a smart idea to separate, but at least Chishiya is with him.
“Holy shit, there’s canned fruit,” Niragi’s mouth is already salivating, and he stuffs some into his backpack while Chishiya is busy putting other canned foods into the man’s own bag.
“I’m sure the others are finding just as much food,” Chishiya is inspecting a can of tomato soup, “I haven’t realized how starving I am until now.”
“I’m just happy we don’t have to eat that shitty ramen–“ Niragi hears a thump and tenses, eyeing the door in the back of the grocery store, “Did you hear that?”
“Of course I did,” Chishiya says, “The question is if we ignore it or investigate.”
There’s another thump and Niragi grabs his knife. Ann comes around the corner with her gun in her hands, and turns to them, “So you heard it too.”
“We should get the hell out of here,” Aguni’s backpack is completely full as the man comes out from one of the isles, and Niragi is already excited to see what he has in there.
There’s another thump and Niragi puts a hand on Chishiya’s lower back, “Let’s get out of here.”
They all find each other again, and quickly make their way out the grocery, but when Niragi makes it back onto the sandy street, he freezes.
There’s at least five of them, and they move slowly, clustered together. They’re human, but their flesh is decaying and peeling off their bodies, bones exposed. They all turn to face them as soon as they hear the sound of cans jostling in his bag.
Niragi curses, and immediately prepares to fight the threat. He glances over at Chishiya who’s already holding the knife in a proper grip, but he doesn’t have a chance to be proud as the goddamn fucking zombies charge.
“Fuck,” Heiya says behind him, and Niragi has to agree.
Fuck.
Amazing artwork by @mallow_fallow 💗
Chapter 15
Notes:
My playlist themed after the games. Please check it out💗
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Tg43XpVpPh01RqgBfEYkZ?si=DDKWSLGQSUml5h3C9kwo7Q&pi=u-tlE7YQMkQpqJ
Too tired to proofread 😭
Had to split this into two chapters 🫣
Chapter Text
Chapter 15
Niragi barely has time to pull out his knife when the zombies charge forward. They’re not quick enough to sprint, but move just fast enough that Niragi can’t hesitate. It’s pretty fucking unlucky that they’re not the slow ass kind like in the movies.
He takes a step to the side when one reaches out for him, teeth grinding and snapping, and sinks his knife into its skull, pulling it free with a squelch as it falls to the ground. He’s assuming he has to go for the head, as he prepares to kill another one, but an arrow flies past him and pierces through the zombie’s eye socket, and it crumbles onto the sandy road.
Kuina is to his left, and from the corner of his eye watches as her sword slashes quickly, and a zombie's head is severed from its body. It’s pretty fucking badass. But Niragi can’t say anything about it when there’s a zombie in front of him and he pushes it back with a hand on its chest, driving his knife into the side of its head. Heiya kills the fifth one with skilled precision, an arrow right through the middle of its forehead.
“We need to get out of here,” Niragi says, turning to face everyone, “We need to get the key and into the safe zone.”
“They’re not far apart,” Ann looks down at her watch, “And I think we know what to expect.”
“Just don’t get bitten,” Aguni’s face is hidden behind the scarf, but Niragi can imagine a frown on his face, “We should avoid getting close to them.”
“What else can we do when our guns will draw attention?” Arisu asks, sounding helpless, “Other than Heiya and Kuina, we only have our knives.”
“Let’s just hope there’s more options at the checkpoint,” Ann says, adjusting her backpack on her shoulders, “Niragi is right. We need to move.”
They move cautiously through the street, and deeper into the city with buildings that gradually grow taller until it really feels like a city– all the skyscrapers and cars on the streets. But it’s even more run down than Tokyo was during the face card games, and it’s so sandy in the air that even with the scarf covering his face, he still feels it in his lungs. His eyes scan the streets, and it’s too quiet. All Niragi thinks is that it’s just more places for the zombies to hide.
“You seem tense.” Chishiya says quietly beside him, and Niragi rolls his eyes because of fucking course he is.
“We won’t just die here. You know that, right?” Niragi knows that the man isn’t stupid enough to not know what will happen to them if they’re bitten. There’s only two solutions if that happens: turn or die before they can. Niragi doesn’t want either of those options to happen to any of them. “You’re not familiar enough with that knife yet. Stay with me from now on.”
“Isn’t that what I’ve been doing?”
Niragi huffs in annoyance, “You know what I mean. It’s best if you just let us fight.”
“Because I’m just useless?” Chishiya says, some irritation in his voice, “I’m not helpless.”
“I don’t think you are. You know that,” Niragi means it. Chishiya is a crucial element to them going home, but when it comes to physicality the man is lacking. “I’d rather you not getting killed because you don’t know how to handle yourself. I’ll teach you some more at the checkpoint, and hopefully there’s more weapons we can use that don’t require us to get too close.”
Chishiya doesn’t respond, but Niragi knows that he’s pissed off with that answer, and feeling inadequate at his ability to pull his weight.
“It’s too quiet,” Kuina says, speaking Niragi’s thoughts, and he’s sure everyone feels the same. “I feel like we’re just waiting for a horde.”
“You know I used to love zombie games, but I never wanted to be in one,” Arisu is walking incredibly close to Usagi, and it makes Niragi wonder if he should keep Chishiya tighter in his space.
“Well we are. So keep sharp,” Aguni says, knife in hand and looking ready to burst into action at the first sign of danger.
“The map says the key is in this building,” Ann points in the distance and Niragi tries not to let the sunglasses irritate him as he attempts to see. “Is everyone ready?”
Niragi doesn’t think they’re necessarily ready, they just have no choice. So he follows everyone as they cautiously enter the building through the large glass doors.
The building appears to be empty, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something lurking in the shadows, as their feet make noise on the marble flooring. It’s quite beautiful inside, with high walls, golden chandeliers and white marble columns lining the walls, strangely pristine when everything around them has been crumbling. It feels like a game venue from the other world, and he’s half expecting to hear a card suit being announced.
Niragi walks toward one of the dark wooden tables, fingers sliding on the smooth surface. He looks around and tries to see anything out of the ordinary, but can’t seem to find anything strange…other than being in a zombie infested post apocalyptic world.
“It looks like we can’t leave,” Chishiya says, and Niragi looks over at him in confusion. The man is staring down at his watch, and turns it so they both can read the two hour timer steadily counting down to zero.
“Shit,” Niragi curses, looking at his own watch and seeing a matching countdown. “We’re fucking trapped here.”
“That’s just great,” Heiya’s clearly being sarcastic, as she sighs heavily in aggravation, “Is anyone else thinking that there’s probably things trapped in here with us?”
“We still need the key,” Usagi cautiously moves around the plexiglass covered counter, and looks around, “I think this is a bank. There’s coin and bill counters back here.”
“Which means there’s a vault,” Ann catches on, “So there’s a code.”
“Or more than one,” Kuina peeks her head around the corner, “There’s a locked door here with a pin pad. I don’t think we can force our way in.”
Niragi turns to make his way over towards Kuina, but trips on the one of the too many fucking chairs at the table, and barely avoids falling. He doesn’t really know why some of the other six tables aren’t this clustered, but it fills him with worry that people have been here before them– that things are being interacted with the same way they’re only just now navigating this world. If people have tried to find the code here too.
He wonders if the zombies were once players, and if that’s the case, then how many people have played this game…and how many people have beaten it…he wonders if there’s people playing a new round of the card games too.
“It’s a metal door,” Arisu bends down to peer at the pin pad, and Niragi moves closer to look over his shoulder to see if there’s any clues– any smudges or fading buttons to show what numbers are used most often– but it’s just a perfectly new and shiny keypad.
“What about the money in the registers?” Niragi suggests, “The amount of money might be a clue. The total sum might be the code if we go by each number from right to left or left to right.”
“So if the sum is two thousand yen, then the code is 2000,” Arisu’s hums in thought, and Niragi can already tell that his brain is already kicking into overdrive, “Or 0002, so we just try that method.”
“We don't know how many chances we’ll get,” Chishiya says, leaning against the counter, “Each attempt might bring us closer to death.”
“But we don’t know if that’s what will happen when the timer runs out,” Kuina tries to sound optimistic, but everyone knows nothing good will happen if they don’t find the key in time.
“Let’s try Niragi’s theory first,” Aguni says, “Some of us count, some of us guard the exit, some of us look around for clues. There might be something we’re missing.”
“I have another theory,” Chishiya says, after the group splits into their respective roles, and the two of them stand side by side counting money from each register. Kuina and Ann are to Niragi’s left doing the same with the other remaining two registers.
“You think I’m wrong?” Niragi asks.
“I never said that,” Chishiya neatly places sen-en into a pile as he finishes counting, “I just think there’s many different solutions. There’s too many ways to count this money. Your theory might very well be correct, but have you considered that we should count by the amount of each coin and bill? There’s fifteen sen-en here.”
“It feels like any of these codes are going to be too long…” Niragi really can’t say if either of them are right or not, “We’d have to decide if we’re counting by register or adding up all the separated bills and coins up into total piles.”
“Or biggest bills to smallest coins–”
“Or the other way around,” Niragi finishes the other man’s sentence, “It still feels like it’s too obvious of a solution.”
“The temple code was laughably simple. You think it’s only getting more difficult?”
“Of course it is. I know you think so too,” Niragi marks the amount of money on notepads he found in one of the drawers under the counter. He watches as Chishiya does the same, “So which code do we try first? The simplest option or the most difficult?”
“What are you guys talking about?” Kuina walks over with her notepad, Ann beside her.
“Just that this seems too easy,” Chishiya says, looking down at the piles of money, “They’re toying with us.”
“It either is this simple, or we’re being distracted from deciphering the real code.”
“So then what do you think?” Niragi asks Ann, and is irritated when the woman shrugs.
“We can’t find anything,” Usagi and Arisu are on the other side of the counter, and the woman fidgets anxiously.
“Nothing out of the ordinary,” Arisu says, “I think Niragi has to be right. There’s some version of the money in the registers that will be the code.”
“Do we just try any of them?”
Niragi bites his lip in thought, because he doesn’t want to do the wrong thing and put all their lives in danger. He knows that the dark jungle manipulated and twisted their faith in him, but he’d rather not give them a reason to really mistrust him when they’re still moving on from the past.
“Might as well,” Chishiya says, “What’s the total?”
Kuina takes the four notebooks and adds everything up quickly, but Niragi still trusts that she hasn’t made any mistakes. She taps her fingers on the table, voice unsure, “two hundred thirty-eight thousand, five hundred forty-three…is that too long?”
“238543…or 345832,” Arisu says, “How do we know which one to pick?”
“If it’s even right,” Niragi mumbles, glancing over at the keypad. He can tell everyone is nervous, and don’t want to make a mistake that could cost them their lives.
“We can’t just stand around doing nothing,” Chishiya looks down at his watch, “Fifteen minutes have already gone by.
“So we just try something,” Kuina suggests, “Chishiya should decide.”
“Because I’m the smartest?”
“Don’t brag,” she hands him the notebook, “You’re the most likely to choose the best option. I don’t think you’ve ever made a decision on anything that isn’t well thought out.”
“Unless it comes to Niragi,” Ann says, and he rolls his eyes in annoyance. He’s sure Chishiya’s own eyes are narrowed and just wants to say something rude, but simply takes the notebook and walks over towards the keypad.
“Are you seriously going to try?” Niragi takes his place beside Chishiya and watches the man’s finger brush over the silver keypad. “I don’t think you think either of these are the right option.”
“Of course I don’t…but I also haven’t figured out what is,” Chishiya says, and Niragi thinks the man has grown a lot to be so honest, “But we’re running out of time, and we have to work through trial and error…that is, if error doesn’t get us killed first.”
Niragi thinks it's a perfectly reasonable line of thinking, but he’s sure that both of them are concerned with what might happen if the first code is wrong. “Just fucking go for it then, princess.”
He watches anxiously as Chishiya starts typing in the code, and he feels everyone else’s body heat as they stand close looking over the blonde’s shoulder. It’s too fucking hot everywhere in this fucking desert.
Niragi jolts in fear when his watch emits a high pitched sound, almost like a fire alarm. He looks down and to his horror watches the way the numbers glitch and suddenly they lose fifteen minutes. “Shit.”
“So that’s what happens,” Chishiya says, once their watches go silent, steadily counting from an hour and half.
“What the hell did you do?” Heiya stomps over angrily from where she’s been keeping her weapon ready by the door, and Niragi stands up straighter, ready to defend Chishiya.
“I think we need to sit down and write all the solutions out before deciding anything else,” Ann mediates before anyone can start arguing, and he’s glad that she’s using those critical thinking skills that always made her successful in the games. He never actually appreciated her the few times he played with her. He was too selfish to.
Niragi places a hand on Chishiya’s back and pushes him towards the closest desk, but Usagi and Arisu are already moving to sit in the only two chairs, so they all walk over towards the other desks and–
“Stop,” Chishiya says loudly and urgently enough for everyone to hear him, and they freeze. He places a hand on Niragi’s that’s on the chair, “Don’t move the chairs.”
“What’s wrong?” Kuina asks, worriedly.
“Don’t you think it’s strange that the desks don’t have an even number of chairs?” Chishiya asks them, and the man’s hand is warm over his, “It’s ridiculous I didn’t consider it before.”
Niragi’s eyes scan the desk, and there seems to be no order to the way the chairs are placed. He thought it was just previous players moving them, but maybe they’re placed strategically…
“Chishiya might be right,” Arisu grabs one of the notebooks and starts writing, “The number of chairs could be the code.”
He lets go of the chair and only then does Chishiya let go of his hand. Niragi misses the contact, but doesn’t really think it’s the time to hold fucking hands, so the two men walk over towards Arisu who is furiously writing, and everyone huddles around the desk.
Arisu has drawn seven squares spaced out like the desks are in the room, numbers written in each square. “There's seven desks in this room. The desk we’re at has two chairs, the one to our right has four, the one next to that has three,” Arisu points to each square with his pen. “The table directly across from us has three chairs, the one next to that has three, and the next has four. The one closest to the counter has four. 2433344. It could easily be a code.”
“Sure, but what’s the order?” Niragi asks, because there’s countless possibilities: left to right, up and down, diagonal, smallest to largest, largest to smallest. “We can’t afford to fuck up again.” They’ve already lost half an hour, and losing fifteen minutes to a simple error could be the thing that kills them.
“Well there’s no letters this time–“
“Maybe there is,” Arisu cuts Aguni off, and begins drawing on the notebook again, “There’s letters on some keypads.”
Chishiya hums in agreement, “Like a cellphone.”
Niragi places his hands on the desk as he leans down to watch Arisu draw a copy of the keypad. Arisu taps the pen anxiously, “Does anyone remember which characters go with which numbers?”
“Are you so certain it’s hiragana?” Chishiya asks, “The last code was in English.”
“Everything in the other games were in Japanese. Maybe things are in English here?” Kuina suggests, but Niragi isn’t so sure.
“The instructions here have been in Japanese–“
“Maybe because they know we speak Japanese,” Heiya cuts him off, “So it doesn’t mean that this code is going to be in English like level one. It might even be another country making the code.”
“I’m sorry, are you trying to say that the game makers are from all around the world? We don’t even know where we are,” Niragi shakes his head at her, because how absolutely stupid.
“I’m just saying,” Heiya crosses her arms defensively, “It’s now clear that whoever makes these games speaks both languages. Who’s to say they don’t know others?”
“Well then how about we just sit here writing out every fucking language that–“
“Stop fighting,” Ann snaps, “We’re just going to waste time if the two of you won’t shut up.”
Niragi feels a hand on his, relaxing it from the way it’s tightened into a fist. Chishiya’s fingers brush against his and it’s enough to water down his anger. He thinks he’s just on edge because they’re losing time trying to figure this out, and if the man hadn’t stopped them from moving the chairs, then they very might have been screwed.
“Let’s try both languages,” Usagi says, “If that doesn’t work then we’ll figure out something else.”
“Are we even sure it’s a cypher?”
“No,” Chishiya looks over at Ann, “But if it’s not a word, then we won’t have to lose fifteen minutes testing this theory out. We’ll just know.”
“Okay,” Arisu pushes another pen and notepad towards Chishiya, “Groups of two. We’ll work on English and you guys do Japanese.”
It’s a good plan when they’re steadily running out of time, and Niragi leans in close while Chishiya begins to write, Kuina and Ann on the man’s other side. He draws a simple keypad on any type of phone, old or modern, including numbers and the hiragana symbol. “There’s five different characters for each number. I think we should focus on hiragana first.”
“What if it’s a mix of the three different types of characters?” Kuina asks, watching Chishiya write out the options for each table.
“We might be overcomplicating it if we think like that. It’s supposed to be difficult, but I don’t think it’s supposed to take hours to do,” Ann says, and Niragi nods because he completely agrees with her. There’s too many fucking possibilities and now that it’s slowly starting to make sense, they need to keep it simple.
“One 2, three 3’s and three 4’s,” Chishiya sighs, leaning against Niragi as he thinks deeply. “I don’t think it’s one word if it’s in Japanese.”
“It’s a sentence…or just two different words?” Niragi asks, staring down at the notepad, “The symbol that corresponds with 2 doesn’t repeat. It could be a conjunction.”
“Blank or blank,” Chishiya says, writing out ka in hiragana, “now we just figure out the words. It’s going to be something that connects to this level. It could either reference this bank or even the zombies outside this building. What's the goal of this place, Kuina?”
“To beat the game and go home. Why are you asking?”
“No, that’s our goal,” Ann corrects, “This place was designed to kill us.”
“Exactly,” Chishiya says, and while Niragi knows that the man doesn’t need answers to his questions, talking about it is helping him get closer to breaking the cypher. “It doesn’t spell death, life, kill…”
“Well we’re not killing each other anymore, so maybe it’s about us as a team?”
“We’re not, are we…” Chishiya’s fingers tap on the wood, “We have no reason to hurt each other…”
“What are you thinking?” Niragi asks, knowing that the gears are turning in Chishiya’s head.
“What happens if one of us is bitten?”
“We turn.”
“But if we don’t want to turn?” Chishiya looks up at him, and Niragi frowns beneath his mask because it’s not something he wants to think about. “Would you kill me if I asked?”
“Don’t ask such a stupid question,” Niragi says angrily, because it’s not something fair to ask of him. He’d rather die first than turn his gun on any of them.
“I suppose I could do it myself before the infection could run its course…” Chishiya nods, as if something out and writes out two different lines on the notepad.
tasatsu ka jisatsu
jisatsu ka tasastu
“I think you just cracked the code,” Niragi says, but bites his lip in thought, “But which word comes first?”
“Murder or suicide,” Kuina huffs, “This feels like a slap in the face. We obviously don’t want either of those things to happen.”
“If we’re bitten those are the options,” Ann sighs, “None of us are going to let each other turn.”
“It would be easier to kill ourselves than ask someone else to do it,” Kuina says, and Niragi nods in agreement.
“Then perhaps the phrasing would be more appropriate as, to end yourself before letting another end you. Jisatsu ka tasatsu.”
“You think that’s the order?” Niragi asks, and Chishiya turns to him with a nod. He snaps his fingers over at the other four still lost over their cypher, “3342434.”
“You guys figured it out!” Usagi clasps her hands in relief, “Let’s hurry then.”
It’s a bit terrifying to watch as Chishiya slowly enters the code, and even if Niragi trusts the man, he’s still nervous. He tenses at the loud beep, and it takes a moment for him to realize it’s the door opening and not their watches.
“We only have one hour left,” Ann taps her watch, “We need to hurry.”
“Kuina, come up front with me,” Heiya says, “If there's anything down there we can stop it.”
“Good idea,” Kuina unsheathes her sword and takes her place beside Heiya, as the group starts to walk down the stairs that lead deeper into the building.
Niragi can’t hear anything, but that doesn’t stop him from staying protectively close beside Chishiya. He’ll do whatever he can to keep them all safe, but he’s not going to pretend that he isn’t biased.
“Do we stop on this floor or keep going down?” Kuina asks, steps stilling as they reach their first door. There’s no telling how many floors down the building goes, but they’ll waste time trying to go floor by floor. Niragi sighs, because they’re going to have to–
“Split up,” Aguni doesn’t sound very pleased about it, “We already know who we’re pairing up with.”
“Usagi and I will check this floor,” Arisu has his shotgun in one hand and Niragi just hopes the idiot doesn’t use it.
“We meet back on the first floor in forty-five minutes,” Aguni instructs, “Stay alive.”
Arisu and Usagi nod in agreement, and then the two are through the door and disappearing into the building. Kuina and Ann take the next floor, but when Niragi and the others go down the remaining flights of stairs, there’s only one door left.
“I guess we can stick together,” Heiya says, but it doesn’t necessarily make him feel any better when they’re still separated from the others. Niragi looks down at his watch; they need to hurry.
He lets Aguni and Heiya go first, keeping Chishiya slightly in front of him to watch the man’s back. There’s very little light from the dim and flickering fluorescents, but he can still see how the entire floor looks like it’s been through a tornado, crumbling cubicles and junk littering the bloody carpet. Niragi pushes his singles up so he can see properly, and notices how the others do the same.
“They’re down here,” Aguni says with certainty, and even in the quiet, Niragi agrees. The man’s voice is low, “Start looking for clues.”
“Come on, princess,” Niragi whispers, placing a hand on Chishiya’s back and guiding him deeper into the room. “Be prepared for anything.”
“There should be a vault here. It’s the lowest floor.”
“Then–“
Everyone goes silent, stopping in their tracks when they hear something bump in the distance. Knives are unsheathed and an arrow is notched. Niragi isn’t sure how many are down here, because there isn’t a way to tell.
Aguni puts a hand up, motioning for all of them to start moving again, though much slower than before. He tries to avoid stepping on anything that will make noise, but their feet still squish in the blood in an unpleasant wet sound. Niragi hears another bump and keeps his arm ready.
There’s a zombie repeatedly hitting the corner of one of the walls of a cubicle as the four of them get closer. It hasn’t noticed them yet, and it’s better if it doesn’t, so they hurry past it as silently as they can.
They barely make it past the zombie when Niragi grabs Chishiya by the back of the shirt and pulls him close, dragging them into the next cubicle when he hears a groan and sticky footsteps. Heiya and Aguni are across from him in the other cubicle. And he hides against the wall when a zombie walks past them– Chishiya’s back pressed against his chest. He’s sure the man can feel his rapidly beating heart.
He’s too nervous to leave the safety of the cubicle, but knows that they’re running out of time. He moves Chishiya behind him as he peeks his head out to see down the makeshift hallway. The zombie is gone, and he can’t hear anything other than thumping a few cubicles down. He meets Aguni’s eyes and nods.
He feels like he’s just maneuvering Chishiya around and is surprised that there’s no resistance, as he guides the man in front of him once again, and just ready to take control when he needs to.
Aguni's hand goes up and they stop, as the man checks the next hallway to make sure it’s clear, and they turn the corner and away from the cubicles, walking down blood splattered walls and puddled floors. Their boots make much more noise on the linoleum, so they move even slower.
There’s so little time; already ten minutes have passed. They make as quick of work as they can checking the rooms, which thankfully mainly seem to be single offices or storage closets and one handicapped bathroom. Niragi doesn’t think he’s ever known a bank this complicated, but he’s always never been underneath one.
He’s worried that they’re missing clues, but the main priority is finding the vault and working from there.
The four of them stop as they reach the end of the hallway, and look both ways to find it splitting into two different paths. It’s clear what they’re going to do, and Aguni points to his watch, and mouths the words thirty minutes.
Niragi nods in agreement, and just hopes he actually gets to see both of them again. He steps in front of Chishiya, and starts walking, the man close behind him.
“We should find the schematics for the building,” Chishiya whispers behind him.
“I wouldn’t even know where to look,” Niragi whispers back, “Now shut up.”
Niragi has to wonder how time works here, and why so much of the blood seems fresh. He wonders if the people here before them barely made it out, and if there’s people currently trying to beat level one after they just left. If it’s just a cycle of entertainment for whoever was sick enough to create this place.
Niragi tenses when he hears grinding teeth and groaning, and barely has the time to step back when a zombie darts out from an open door and snaps its teeth at them. Half its face is decayed and hanging off and it smells even worse than rotten meat– pure death. He sinks his knife into its skull without hesitation, but almost doesn’t free his knife in time when another barrels into his side. Its teeth chomp at him, mouth clicking in his ear, and Chishiya pushes it back roughly and it falls to the floor away from them. It’s so rotted that all it takes is a few stomps beneath his boot to cave its head in.
“You need to be more careful,” Chishiya hisses at him, after it’s clear that there are no more that are going to come out of the room.
“Thanks,” Niragi says, because he might’ve just been seconds away from getting his ear bitten off. He grabs Chishiya’s arm when the man reaches toward the hopefully dead body on the floor, “Careful.”
Chishiya swats his hand away, unhooking the security badge from the zombie’s belt loop, holding it up, “This is probably useful.”
“We have no idea where we’re going,” Niragi sighs, and he looks down at his watch, “We have to go back in twenty-five minutes.”
“Then we better hurry,” Chishiya takes a step forward, but Niragi keeps his hold on the man’s arm.
“Stay behind me–“
“So you can almost get bitten again?”
“Chishiya–“
“No, Suguru,” Chishiya says firmly, and the use of his name has the argument on his lips drying up, “Together or not at all.”
“Fucking fine, princess,” Niragi squeezes his arm gently, because there’s no time to argue “You’ll actually have to use that knife.”
“I think I can manage,” Chishiya says boredly, but Niragi thinks the man is just trying not to sound so upset.
They walk side by side, and Niragi has never seen Chishiya so alert before, and honestly is surprised at how quickly the man pushed the zombie away. He seems to have no fear risking his life, and Niragi sort of feels special– not having seen it for anyone else.
…of course he’s the only one Chishiya tried to actively kill, but he thinks it doesn’t matter so much anymore. These are new games, and they are new people.
They turn the corner cautiously, but it’s empty, and there are no doors…except an elevator at the end of the hall. Niragi looks over at Chishiya who’s already staring at him.
“What choice do we have?” Niragi says, because he thinks they’ve always been meant to find their way here. He just wishes everyone else was with them, but they don’t have the time to get everyone. He takes a step forward
“Niragi, wait.”
“Yeah?” he stops, and tilts his head in consideration at the man’s strange tone, and it’s annoying that Chishiya’s face is hidden beneath the scarf.
“Take care of yourself too. I can look out for myself.”
Niragi smiles softly, placing a hand on Chishiya’s shoulder and squeezing, “I’ll be fine. I have you watching out for me, right? Now let’s get that key before this building blows up.”
Chishiya huffs in amusement, “That is a possible outcome if we fail. It would be nice to avoid it. And I’m looking forward to eating that fruit in your backpack too much to let myself die.”
Niragi shakes his head in amusement, hand dropping back to his side, and they walk up to the elevator with their heads held high. There’s no room for fear.
But when the doors open without them even needing to press a button, and the two step into the small box, Niragi takes a deep breath to fight the anxiety that wants to spread through his body, but Chishiya’s hand finds his, and calms him. Niragi thinks they touch much more than they ever have before.
There’s no buttons inside, as the elevator starts moving on its own. Niragi’s eyes meet Chishiya’s, fingers interlaced tightly.
“Alright, princess, let’s fucking do this.”
Chapter 16
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 16
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Niragi curses quietly, looking around the corner for a moment before turning back to Chishiya, “There’s four of them.”
“What if we use the vents?” Chishiya points up at the ceiling, and the metal grate above them. It’s a perfectly reasonable idea, but the zombies will hear them trying to get up there, so Niragi shakes his head. He thinks if he could use his hand gun, then clearing their path wouldn’t be difficult, but the sound will attract whatever else is lurking here.
Niragi looks around the corner again and fights back the panic because how is he supposed to kill four zombies when there’s Chishiya to worry about?
He hides back behind the wall and they stare at each other in thought. Niragi’s tongue flicks anxiously, “I don’t know what to do.”
“We have very little time to decide what to do. We have twenty-five minutes,” Chishiya glances at his watch, “We have to find the key in at least twelve if we want time to make it back.”
Niragi nods in agreement, because as usual Chishiya is right, “Shoot with your dominant eye. Above the barrel of the gun there’s a raised section. Focus on that when you aim.” He doesn’t have any more time to go into the specifics of shooting a gun, but just needs the man to know how to at least aim. “Don’t use your gun unless it’s our last resort.”
“It’s good enough under the circumstances, but I’m expecting a better lesson later.”
Niragi huffs in amusement, before his tone turns serious, “If I tell you to do something, you do it.”
“I have to agree that following your orders in combat will keep us both alive, but let me remind you that we’re sticking together.”
“Of course we are, princess,” Niragi takes the scarf off his head and wraps it tightly around his arm, creating a thick barrier between his skin and the fabric. He adjusts his grip on his knife next and takes a deep breath, “Move quick.”
He swiftly moves around the corner, and manages to get his knife into the soft skull of the closest one when the others notice them. They move too fucking fast and Niragi throws his left arm up when one charges, teeth snapping around the fabric on his arm. He sinks the knife into the socket of its eye and pulls it free with a squelch as it releases its teeth and falls to the ground, but he narrowly avoids the hands of the third zombie that bites close to his face and moves his arm in front of him to guard as its teeth chomp on the thick scarf.
“Fucking hell aim for its head!” Niragi says frantically, noticing Chishiya struggle to pull his knife free from the zombie's chest, while trying to push it away from him with a hand on its chest. Niragi curses because the idiot is going to get fucking bitten. He drives his knife into the top of its skull and the zombie goes limp, dropping to the floor.
Niragi rushes over and drags the zombie away from Chishiya by a fistful of its shirt, and the man stumbles back and falls to the floor when the knife is pulled free. Niragi pushes the zombie against the wall and stabs straight through the middle of his forehead, and it crumbles into a dead heap in a puddle of black blood.
Niragi tries to keep control of his anger, because he didn’t realize that Chishiya was actually completely useless. The idiot has no fucking fighting reflexes and it’s the first time in a long time that Niragi thinks so poorly of Chishiya.
He knows it’s just because he’s so worried.
“Fuck,” Niragi sighs heavily, extending a hand to help Chishiya stand up, and he’s surprised to find the man’s hand shaking. “Are you okay?”
Chishiya stands there unsurely, pulling the scarf down under his chin, so Niragi can see his face. He looks surprisingly shook up, but it’s not a surprise for regular people when they’re facing death. Chishiya has never cared about dying before, and it's sort of expected now. He has things to lose.
“You need to be careful,” Niragi feels like he’s going to lose his mind. Chishiya is going to get both of them killed, because how is he going to focus on not getting bitten if he’s too busy making sure the man can properly fight. Chishiya can’t even stab something properly.
“I’m sorry.”
Niragi lets out another sigh, “I know this isn’t easy for you, but you actually have to fight this time. Think of it like a spades game.”
“If I’m honest, I tended to make myself scarce in the few spades games I played.”
“Well you can’t fucking do that this time,” Niragi fights the urge to touch the man; they don’t have time for it. “If you can’t get your knife in their brain, then you need to at least get them on the floor. Kick them to the ground or some shit, and I’ll take care of them.”
“I can do that,” Chishiya takes a shaky breath, and looks at the dead zombie on the ground, the blood pooling around their feet. “I’m going to get everyone killed.”
“We don’t have time for that right now,” Niragi can help the man deal with a crisis when they’re at the safe zone, but the ever apathetic Chishiya losing his calm will actually get them killed. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but be the guy I met, not the guy you are now.”
“That guy would let you die,” Chishiya raises an unenthusiastic eyebrow, and Niragi huffs.
“I just meant the guy that doesn’t freak out–“
“I’m not freaking out–“
“You almost died,” Niragi knows his vocal observation won’t make Chishiya feel any better, but maybe the man needs to hear it. “So maybe you’re shit at this, but you’re still a survivor. You made it back, and I know your ass is too stubborn to die here too. And I know we’re running out of time, so get you’re fucking ass into gear.”
“Fine,” Chishiya says, and Niragi watches him adjust his grip on his knife. It’s as much a signal that he’s ready as he’ll be able to give under the circumstances.
“Good,” Niragi nods, and hopes that the man is a little more prepared this time. He wipes his knife on his sleeve and ignores the wet splash when he takes a step, “Let’s hurry.”
He feels Chishiya behind him and hears the man’s footsteps match his own as they walk down the hallway. There’s no doors or windows, and it just smells like rotted flesh and blood– enough to make him want to gag. He knows they’re closer to something, and he’d really like to avoid finding out what it is.
He slows when they near a corner, and listens carefully for any sound, but there’s only silence other than his own heartbeat thumping in his ears. He looks around the corner and sighs in relief at the empty hallway, but the metal door on the other side doesn’t make him feel very relieved for very long.
He looks down at his watch, and they’re almost out of time. It doesn’t matter what’s on the other side; they have to try.
“Get ready,” Niragi says, as they approach the door. He turns the handle and then–
The room flashes red and a loud alarm rings in the hall. Niragi almost falls back when the door is pushed open and zombies start piling through. He hears a gunshot and feels a bullet zip past his head, and he resists the urge to scream at the other man for almost hitting him in the skull. He pulls out his gun and shoots three quickly, giving him enough time to turn around, grab Chishiya by the arm and run.
“It’s a trap!” Chishiya shouts over the alarm and the sound of zombies moaning and teeth clicking behind them. He curses, because he figured as much the moment he opened the door. He wonders if any of them will actually find a key down here.
Niragi keeps Chishiya upright when the man slips in the blood from one of the four dead zombies around the corner and practically throws him in the elevator that takes too long to open, pressing the button rapidly.
Niragi turns, and with a precision he has to thank from the other world, takes out the two closest to them, but there’s at least ten more coming down the hall and he clicks the door close button so many times he wonders if it’ll ever close. Chishiya shoots and misses, and Niragi sinks a bullet into the head of one that barely makes it into the elevator when the door finally closes, and starts going back up.
He turns to Chishiya angrily, glaring at the man in the flashing red lights, and yells over the incessant alarm, “You almost fucking shot me!” He thought that the man could at least aim, but the only time he was ever shot at was with the stupid fucking flame thrower that needed much less precision than a bullet.
Chishiya stares up at him with narrowed eyes, “It wasn’t like I was trying! I was trying to help!”
“You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing!” Niragi grabs him by the shirt, and wants to shake him, “If I die, then who the fuck is going to take care of you!”
“I’m sorry!”
“I swear–“ Niragi is pushed against the wall when the elevator opens, and he barely gets a hand on the zombie’s chest before a chunk of his face is bitten off. He lifts his gun to the side of his head and shoots, splattering its brains on the wall.
“Let’s go!” Chishiya says, because they don’t have time to argue, and when they run down the long hallway, Niragi hears a gunshot in the distance.
“Aguni!” Niragi aims to the left of the man when a zombie charges forward, as he and Chishiya turn the corner. Heiya has an arrow pulled back, and then it’s flying across the hall to pierce through two heads in one skilled shot. “We need to get back up! The key isn’t down here!”
“We kind of figured!” Heiya notches another arrow.
“We have to find the others!” Aguni says over the alarm, “Everything is coming for us now and we still need to find that key!”
Niragi grabs Chishiya by the arm and pulls him along after Aguni and Heiya. The two kill three zombies in the stairwell, but they don’t have time to check each floor for the others, so just make their way back towards the ground floor. The goal is finding the key before whatever happens happens.
“Took you long enough!” Ann looks disheveled, but thankfully doesn’t seem to have any blood on her that would indicate a bite mark. Niragi shuts the door behind him and hears the lock click.
“They’re trying to break through the door!” Arisu is by the front doors, and Niragi pales at the zombies pressed up against the glass, attracted to the noise of the alarm.
“We need to find the key!” Usagi says frantically, “It has to be here!”
“It’s not anywhere!” Kuina is shuffling behind the counter knocking over everything just to try and find the key, and Niragi curses because he’s honestly at a loss of what to do.
He turns to Chishiya, “You need to use that big fucking brain of yours, princess, because I give us five minutes until this place is swarming with the undead!”
“The key could be anywhere–”
“That’s not good enough!” He grabs Chishiya’s face tightly, “Think, Chishiya!”
“Why don’t you think! You’re a diamonds player too!” Chishiya pushes Niragi away roughly, distress clear in his body language. It’s a bit fucking unlucky that he seems to be losing it right now, because he’s still a crucial asset, even if it’s obvious that he doesn’t feel like one. Niragi glances around at the girls tearing the place apart, but it’s useless because the key isn’t anywhere.
Niragi gets in Chishiya’s space, grabbing the man by the arms to keep him from breaking free. “You need to keep it together! Just because you can’t shoot a fucking gun, doesn’t mean that we don’t need you!”
“I can’t do this! They clearly designed it so someone like me isn’t meant to win!” Chishiya actually looks afraid, and Niragi just holds onto the man tighter, hoping that some pain will bring him clarity. He looks up at the ceiling with a glare, “Fuc–” The man’s words die, and his brows furrow in thought, a glint of realization in his eyes.
“What are you loo–” Niragi tilts his head up, own eyes widening as he spots something gold glinting in the evening sun that’s streaming in through the large windows. There, from one of the light fixtures on the wall, hangs a simple golden key.
Niragi immediately lifts his gun and shoots, pulling Chishiya away from the falling glass and metal as the key hits the floor. The timer in his watch stops.
“What the hell are you doing!” Ann shouts at them– everyone freezing at the sound of the gun shot.
He walks over and grabs the key, holding it up for everyone to see, “Now let’s get the fuck out of here!”
“The only way out is through the front!” Aguni shouts, and Niragi is really getting sick of that fucking alarm.
Niragi tenses when he hears a crack, and turns toward the door to find the glass with a large fissure that only seems to be growing with each slam of the zombies against it.
“We don’t have a lot of time to figure this out!” Ann pulls out her gun, “We have to fight our way through!”
“There’s no telling how many are out there!” Arisu steps away from the door with fear, “I can’t even see the street!”
“We could climb out the window–“
“They could be surrounding the building!” Aguni cuts Heiya off, “Ann is right!”
“It’s suicide!” Niragi shakes his head, because they’re just going to get swarmed, and he doesn’t think they have nearly enough ammo. “I say we use the windows!”
“Then we better hurry!” Usagi cries out as the zombies thump against the glass.
Niragi rushes over and grabs a chair, pulling it towards one of the windows. He’s easily tall enough to reach the glass, and he shoots the glass, a chunk of it shattering, so he wraps his scarf around his fist and breaks off as much as he can for them to fit through. He thinks they’ll still get cut. “Let’s fucking go!”
“Arisu, help the girls! Niragi and I will cover you!” Aguni orders, and Niragi thinks it’s the smartest idea, so he steps off the chair and goes beside Aguni, guns raised towards the door.
“That things not going to hold!” Niragi says, watching larger cracks appear in the thick glass door. He tosses the key to Ann. “Hurry!”
“I’ll go first!” Kuina yells behind him, “I’ll stop anything in our way!”
He thinks it doesn’t really fucking matter as long as they get out of this fucking place. He reaches into the mesh water holder on the side of his backpack, and immediately reloads his gun. He glances behind him to see Usagi climbing through– Ann ready to go next.
“Hurry–“
The glass breaks, and zombies pile on top of each other trying to get into the room. There’s an endless amount of them, and Niragi shoots without hesitation.
“Go!” Aguni shouts, and an arrow flies over their heads, passing through the skulls of three zombies. She’s fucking skilled, but Niragi can’t focus on that too deeply.
Niragi notices someone step beside him, and he curses because what the fuck is the idiot doing now? “Fucking get out of here!” He fires all the bullets in his pistol, grabbing his rifle and quickly shooting, feeling successful as he takes two down with one bullet.
“I’m not leaving you!” Chishiya shoots, and it’s miraculous he hits one of them in the chest, but there’s so many it’s impossible not to.
Niragi pushes him back roughly when a few get close, and he manages to shoot one before he needs to use his knife, stabbing one in the eyes. Chishiya pushes the other one back roughly, and it falls to the ground. The man shoves the pistol into Niragi’s hand and he takes down the zombie on the floor quickly.
“Let’s go!” Chishiya pulls him by the arm, and Niragi moves back quickly, shooting as many as he can. Heiya has run out of arrows, and is forced to use her gun, and Aguni is punching zombies with a scarf wrapped hand and stabbing them with the other.
“Heiya, go!” Aguni yells, while Arisu uses his four barreled shotgun with a surprisingly skilled aim, exploding the heads of the three closest zombies.
Heiya runs over towards them, but Niragi holds up a hand to stop her from climbing out the window, “Just let him go first!”
Niragi practically throws Chishiya on the chair, and has to lift him to reach the windowsill. He struggles to climb up, so Niragi pushes him up by the legs and gives him the support to climb over, and hopefully doesn’t get hurt landing on the other side.
“We’re not going to make it!” Arisu’s shooting into the crowd with the pistol, but they’re being cornered, and Niragi only has his knife easily accessible.
Aguni falls to the floor, pushed by two zombies, so Niragi rushes over and stabs one in the head, while he manages to get the other one. Niragi helps the man up, and Aguni shouts, “Backpack! First pocket!”
Niragi doesn’t know what the fuck the man is talking about, but he still does what he’s told, reaching in to find something circular. He pulls it out and his eyes go wide. Aguni’s been keeping a grenade this entire time.
“Hide behind the counter!” Niragi yells, pulling the pin on the grenade. He waits until the others are far enough away, before throwing it towards the hoard, and diving behind one of the tables.
The ground shakes, and he winces at the bang, ears ringing, and peers around the table to find body parts and guts all over the floor. The remaining zombies look just as disoriented by the noise, and there’s still smoke in the air, clouding everyone’s vision.
“Let’s go!” Niragi calls everyone over, and just as the three run over towards them, Heiya screams.
There’s a zombie– half of one– with its teeth and arms around her leg– gushing blood. Niragi is almost frozen, and is just thankful that Aguni is unfazed enough to not let it hold the man back from crushing the zombie’s mushy skull with a thick boot, picking the woman up, and quickly helping her climb out the window as she sobs.
Aguni goes next, and then Arisu, and finally Niragi, just as the zombies seem to realize there’s still living humans in the room. He barely shakes a tight hand off from around his ankle, with a sharp kick with his other foot, and then he’s falling out the window and onto the sandy ground with a thud.
“Are you hurt?” Chishiya is kneeling down in his space, hands touching his arms and a frazzled look on the man’s face. Niragi shakes his head, and places a comforting hand on Chishiya’s shoulder.
“I’m alright, princess…” Niragi trails off, glancing over at Heiya as she trembles, looking to be only standing up by Aguni taking her weight against his side.
Ann is inspecting Heiya’s wound, wrapping it with a scarf, and he’s sure if he could see her face, it wouldn’t be positive. There’s a few dead zombies around them, heads severed, and he thinks many of them were drawn to the explosion towards the front of the building, so they should be safe– for now.
“We need to get out of here…” Kuina sounds incredibly unsure about the entire situation. “We don’t even know what will happen…”
“I-I’m g-going to die,” Heiya’s breath comes out shaky and her voice sounds wet with heavy tears. If only they had gotten out of there in time…if only Niragi would’ve let her go before Chishiya.
He’s not going to apologize, knowing that the man is safe, but it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t feel absolutely fucking horrible about being the reason she’s been bitten.
“Stop,” Chishiya says for only him to hear, helping Niragi stand with a hand around his, “I know what you’re thinking.”
If Chishiya knows what Niragi is thinking, it’s likely that the other’s know what he’s thinking too…or at least the people that were still left in the bank when he stopped Heiya from escaping. He physically shakes his shoulders to try and shake off the guilt, because he can feel like a piece of shit later. And maybe Kuina is right. Maybe Heiya isn’t going to die.
“We really need to get out of here,” Arisu says, “They could realize we’re here any second.”
“I’ll carry you,” Aguni says to the younger woman, picking Heiya up as she buries her face in his neck and cries silently. “The sooner we get to the checkpoint the sooner we can clean her leg.”
“It’s not far,” Usagi looks down at her watch, “It can’t be more than three miles.”
It’s silent as they make their way through a side street, and not just because they’re trying not to attract anything, but from the weight of reality that is crashing down on all of them. This is a very real death that might not be curable. They can’t outrun an infection like the smoke or be resuscitated by Chishiya’s expert CPR skills. In every piece of media about zombies that Niragi has ever seen, a bite is just…a death sentence. And they really couldn’t have gotten away with cutting off the woman’s other leg.
He thinks most of the zombies had swarmed the bank, so the group doesn’t come across anymore and he’s just thankful because they don’t have a lot of time to figure out what to do. It fucking reeks the deeper they are into the desert city, and Niragi thinks it’s the undead that have infested this place– smelling of rotten blood and flesh.
“I see the gate,” Usagi says in relief, and Niragi sighs with his own feelings of relief at finally being somewhere safe, as they exit the city and make their way up another sand dune. It seems like they were only in the pocket of it, and that there really isn’t that much outside of the main road.
It’s just another large tent in the sand…which just seems uncomfortable being so out in the open. But he really doubts that there will be any zombies within the gates that they’ve been the only ones able to access so far.
It quickly becomes clear to all of them that things are not as simple as they should be, when Aguni is unable to enter the building after the gate turns green, Heiya thumping against the barrier. Aguni tries again, but the minute Heiya’s body touches the gate, he’s unable to go any farther.
“Fuck!” Aguni curses loudly and Heiya’s cries start bordering on traumatic for Niragi to hear, like she’s choking on her own spit and loud keening noises from her scarf-covered lips.
“It’s o-okay…” Kuina says, but it doesn’t sound like she thinks it’s alright either, and he watches as Ann grabs her hand to provide some emotional support. It’s incredibly clear to everyone that Heiya is not going to be making it to the next checkpoint.
“No, she’s fine,” Aguni says stubbornly, “We just need to clean the wound–”
“The infection has already spread–”
“What the hell do you know, Chishiya!” Aguni turns to face the smaller man with a snarl, “Just because you’re a doctor doesn’t mean you know shit! This isn’t the real world!”
Niragi feels his heart stutter when he sees the sliver of Heiya’s face that isn’t hidden beneath her scarf, and her milky irises and expanded pupils encased in a ring of bloody red. She blinks slowly, and her eyes take a while to open, like her eyes are dry and eyelids sticking together.
“A-am I dying?” Heiya asks Aguni weakly, and the man shakes his head furiously.
“No, you’re not,” Aguni’s fingers tighten around her body as he holds her in his arms. The man is trembling and Niragi is afraid that he’s going to drop her on the sand. It looks like he’s completely giving out as his legs shake.
“Aguni…” Usagi steps closer, and moves to touch him, but thinks better of it, “She’s going to turn.”
“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about!” Aguni backs away from them, like he’s terrified that they’re going to take Heiya away from him.
“You’re putting us in danger keeping her alive–”
Niragi hits Chishiya on the shoulder hard, just to shut the man up who really has no idea how to comfort someone. He thinks it’s the wrong way to go about it. Niragi tries to keep his voice even, “We can’t let her become one of them. She wouldn’t want that.”
“Why don’t you let her make her own fucking decisions!” Aguni holds Heiya close, pressing his face against the top of her head, “…she’s all I have left…”
“A-Aguni…” Heiya’s hand weakly lifts to touch the man’s face, and her usually tan skin is pale, dark veins running up her fingers. “I-I love y-you.” Her body twitches, and Niragi isn’t sure how quickly zombies here are supposed to turn, but he doesn’t think she has much longer until she’s trying to tear out their flesh with her teeth.
“Akane…” Aguni says weakly, and it’s strange to see the man cry– thick tears dripping down his sandy cheeks in wet tracks on his face. He’s not sure he’s ever seen the stoic man show much of anything, other than softness with the woman in his arms. Aguni looks up at them, “I-I can’t.”
“I’ll do it,” Niragi says before anyone else can offer. It was never difficult for him to take a life in and out of the games, so he doesn’t want to put anyone else through this, because if it’ll fuck him up like he knows it will, it might destroy one of them. “I’ll do it.”
“Niragi, you don’t–”
“It’s fine,” he says, silencing Kuina, even if it’s not. “Say your goodbyes.” He looks away before the pain on his face can show. He was never particularly close to Heiya, but she took it upon herself to try and build a friendship with him when he wouldn’t have tried to do the same. He thinks if they had more time, then maybe it could have meant something.
He almost has to cover his ears at the gut wrenching sob that rips from Aguni’s throat, and the painful cry that Kuina has to bury in the sleeve of Ann’s shoulder. Usagi is holding onto Arisu tightly, face hiding in his shirt. And Chishiya…Chishiya is just looking at him. It gives him some strength…but that seems to wither up inside of him the minute that Aguni places Heiya into his arms.
He carries her carefully, and listens to her weak breathing that seems to be louder than the wind. He doesn’t want any of them to hear him, and only wishes there was a way for him to block out her voice when she speaks.
“A-Aguni? A-are we going h-home?”
Heiya clearly isn’t aware of being in his arms, pupils completely red and lips tinged blue. Niragi bites his lip harshly to keep control of himself, because he has to do this. He’s not going to put this burden on anyone else when this is his fault.
“Yeah, we are. We won.” He sits in the hot sand, letting it mold to the contours of his body as he holds her carefully. She’s staring up at the sun, but he doesn’t think the light hurts her eyes, and all he can think of is that he never appreciated the softness of her brown eyes before. And he’ll never have the chance to now.
“I-I’m s–o gl-a–” Heiya’s teeth start clicking and grinding and her body jerks, so he tightens his arms around her, grabbing the pistol from the holster on the side of his thigh and holding it to her forehead.
He doesn’t give the chance to fully let her turn before he pulls the trigger. She wouldn’t want to be remembered that way.
Niragi sits there with the woman in his arms, unsure of what to do. He doesn’t want to just leave her here for the others to see, but he also doesn’t think he deserves to hold her for what he’s done to her. He drops his head forward and feels tears prickle at his eyes. The awful whine that escapes his lips is surprising, and he gasps out a sob that he struggles to stop from happening again.
It’s all his fault. It’s all his fucking fault.
“Suguru.”
Niragi can’t bear to face Chishiya; he’s just not ready to look at anyone quite yet. He doesn’t deserve the comfort. “Go away.”
“I’m here to help you bury her.”
“It’s my fau–”
“It’s everyone’s fault,” Chishiya says, “If we had just figured out where the key was before we even tried to open that door, then none of this would’ve happened. You can’t take responsibility for all of our mistakes.”
“It was easy to think all of us would make it…I mean we beat level one…”
“It was bound to happen to one of us, and at least someone else.”
“You’re heartless, princess,” Niragi lets out a weak laugh, but he doesn’t find what the man has said funny, “I just wanted to keep you safe.”
“Then be grateful that you did.”
He finally looks up and sees the man standing above him, staring down at him with a frown. He thinks Chishiya is affected, but just not to the extent of everybody else. It’s still more than the man would have ever felt for any of them before.
Chishiya sits down beside him. He’s not sure the man really wants to be next to Heiya’s dead body, but is really out here just for him. Niragi leans against the man’s side and drops his head on a delicate shoulder. The woman’s body is going cold even in the heat of the desert, and Niragi thinks Chishiya is right and they should actually bury her properly. But he’ll just let himself sit here for a few more moments before he lets it hurt even more.
He honestly doesn’t want to let her go.
“Thank you for saving me,” Chishiya’s voice is soft, and Niragi feels a few tears drip down his face. It’s not easy to choose one life over another’s, and it’s difficult to come to the conclusion that he’ll choose Chishiya’s life every time.
“Anytime, princess.”
“Let’s give her a proper burial, alright?” Chishiya encourages him, and he thinks he needs the man to push him or else he’d just sit out here for hours. He’s even more dedicated to win these games and take them home. He’s not going to let her death mean nothing, and he’s not going to let the memory of her life be forgotten. Niragi lets out a deep breath, and delicately closes Heiya’s eyes with two fingers. He can sit here and wallow or continue on with the game like she’d want him to.
“Thank you, Shuntaro.”
“I’ll always take care of you,” Chishiya runs a hand down his back comfortingly, “Always.”
“Me too, princess. Me too.”
Amazing artwork by @mallow_fallow 💗
Notes:
I CRIED WRITING THIS! I'M SORRY FOR THE PAIN.
Chapter 17
Notes:
Nishiya 💔 Playlist
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1T1eAITwMJY1mBZMrJDCtu?si=tojuaTttQNe_aukg2yRR5Q&pi=u--Za7eoJ1S3qqThe Games Playlist
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Tg43XpVpPh01RqgBfEYkZ?si=OpB5S_CVRe62hunWHsXFZw&pi=u-PIIMI6XNRPuK
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 17
It’s the second time since regaining their memories that one of them punches him in the face. Only he knows it has more to do with what he’s done here than what he did before. He has to accept that he’ll never stop being a monster, even if things are different this time, but death still follows him as intimately as his own shadow.
Niragi stumbles back, and almost falls onto his ass on the sand as the punch pushes him out the tent he had just unsuccessfully tried to enter. Chishiya doesn’t move to help him as the man stands to his side, but he thinks the other understands that he doesn’t want help right now.
“I have half a mind to take him away from you like you took her from me! She should’ve gone first!” Aguni snarls, and he tries not to let the threat make him fight back, because the man has just threatened Chishiya, even if he knows it’s only coming from a place of devastation and heartbreak.
“Tell me you wouldn’t have chosen her over him! I’m not apologizing for that!” Niragi’s head snaps back at the fist that connects with his cheek as Aguni storms out of the tent, and he tastes blood in his mouth when he bites his cheek.
“Stop it!” Kuina shouts at them, but Niragi isn’t going to put up a fight when Aguni is in pain, but he’s not the one who just had to put a bullet in someone else’s head. He’s not the one that dug a grave in scalding sand with his bare hands to bury the body he killed. Niragi wants to hurt right now.
Aguni’s hands curl into the front of Niragi’s shirt with an expression full of such blistering hatred that it has him wanting to scream back in the man’s face. He never wanted this to happen. He never wanted to be the cause of another death.
“It wasn’t your right to decide!” Aguni’s eyes shine with unshed tears, but he still has tear streaks down his face that make it clear he only just stopped crying, and very well might start again. “She was mine!”
Niragi glances over at Chishiya, and the blank expression on the man’s face. Niragi likes to think it’s just to show everyone that he’s unaffected, even though he is.
“And he’s mine,” Niragi says, facing Aguni again, and the startling realization makes him think his care for the blonde is deeper than he thinks. He chose Chishiya in a moment where he didn’t even have to think. It was instinctual. And it might’ve not been intentional, but he sacrificed everyone in that room's life– even his own.
“The three of you should come inside,” Usagi says softly, standing at the entrance, “It’s getting dark and it’ll be cold soon.”
Niragi wants to apologize to Aguni, but he can’t because he’s not sorry in the way the man wants him to be. “She loved you.”
Aguni’s breath comes out shaky and the man looks at the ground, hands loosening in Niragi’s shirt. It’s unclear if he’s still angry, having completely deflated in a span of seconds. “I just hope you never have to go through this, Niragi.”
Aguni lets go of him, and Niragi can’t even find a voice to respond to such a cryptic statement, as the man turns around and walks back into the tent. He stands there with his stomach feeling like it’s twisting into knots.
“Aguni has certainly entered another stage of grief fairly quickly,” Chishiya’s voice cuts through his impending panic, and Niragi sighs because the man’s snark is just cruel. There’s fingers that brush against his as the blonde comes closer, “That won’t happen. Not for us.”
He thinks it should make him feel better, and it does, but also… “and it will for the others?”
“I’m not necessarily saying that, but I’d like to avoid that possibility. I’m not going to just let anyone else get hurt.”
“Like I did?” Niragi looks at him, and is sure the devastation shows on his face. Chishiya might’ve soothed his pain, but the minute the two of them took on the exhausting work of burying Heiya, the pain just bubbled back up in their silence.
“I could stand here for hours beside you trying to assuage you of your guilt, but you’re too self-deprecating to let this go.”
“So then what will you do?”
“Ask you to come inside and rest,” Chishiya looks up at him with concern, and the emotion on the man’s face is intoxicating, “If you want to keep me safe, then you have to take care of yourself… And my hands hurt.”
If Niragi’s are red and raw, then he’s sure Chishiya’s are the same, and he feels horrible for injuring the man. He nods, and while he now thinks he wouldn’t care holding hands in front of everyone, they need to see if they can treat the burns. Niragi nods, even if he’d rather not go into the tent.
“We have more decent food than before,” Chishiya says, taking the initiative to pull him into the tent, and closing the door behind them, “I want to make sure you eat.”
Niragi looks around the tent, and finds that it’s much nicer than before. They’re encased within a large circular wooden structure that’s covered by thick canvas. It’s incredibly warm, but comfortable, as he notices the heater to the left of one of the four futons lined up together in the middle of the carpeted floor– actual mattresses and proper blankets. Niragi already wants to curl up and sleep.
He's relieved there’s no judgemental and hateful stares from everyone else even if he deserves it, but he feels the weight of their despair saturate the air and it’s suffocating. Ann and Usagi are opening a few cans of food, and placing them into paper bowls. He smells tea and focuses on the large water cooler across the room. He finally realizes that he’s completely dehydrated from the heat.
“There’s a first aid kit by the supplies,” Kuina looks down at their hands, “The two of you should take care of that before it gets worse.”
“Thanks,” Niragi’s voice is smaller than he wants it to be, but he just hopes everyone knows how horrible he feels, as he lets Chishiya take him towards the table lined with weapons and other types of survival necessities.
“We should wash the sand off. Hopefully I’ll find a suitable cream or ointment.”
“I can get water,” Niragi says, and finds it difficult to leave the man’s side. He feels incredibly fragile, and Chishiya is grounding.
He still manages to walk across the room towards the water cooler, and when he touches it the plastic container is cold.
“It’s cold water,” Arisu says, from where the man is taking his boots off and getting sand everywhere. “I forgot how amazing a single cold drink could be. I guess it was like going to the Beach and finally getting ice in my cup.”
Niragi remembers all the luxuries of the Beach, and how he used everything like it was meant for him and not because he was lucky enough to be given it.
“Are you feeling alright?” Arisu asks, and it’s such a stupid question because of course he isn’t. None of them are.
Instead Niragi just shrugs, because he doesn’t know how to respond. He’s worried his choice will make the others mistrust him, when it’s clear Chishiya holds priority over any of them. He sighs, and grabs one of the little paper cups on the holder attached to the side of the machine, like it should be in an office rather than a tent in the middle of a post-apocalyptic desert.
Niragi lets himself drink first, and honestly wants to fucking cry at the sensation of cold water in his dry mouth and down his parched throat. He has to keep from pouring himself another glass until he’s finished the jug himself. So he just fills two cups: one to clean their hands and one for Chishiya to drink.
He turns and finds Chishiya disappearing out the door and huffs in irritation. He thought the entire point of them coming in the tent was to stay in the tent and away from the cold.
“I brought you some water to drink too,” he says, sitting beside the man on the wooden platform, their legs in the sand.
“Just worry about cleaning your hands. I don’t think we’ll run out of water,” Chishiya takes one of the cups and slowly pours it over his injured hands, washing away the sand that is clinging to his skin. “Aguni won’t forgive you.”
Niragi sighs, watching the water slide down his palms and fingers and onto the sand, darkening it. If it were any other person, then it would be incredibly rude, but he thinks the man is just trying to comfort him. “I wasn’t really expecting him to. I don’t think an apology will do anything.”
“But you’re not sorry in the way Aguni wants you to be,” Chishiya voices his thoughts out loud, and reaches for Niragi’s hand to pat the skin dry with a small towel that must’ve been on the supply table. “We may have changed, but we’re not like them.”
“And how are we exactly,” Niragi resists fidgeting at the feeling of the course material on his injury; he’s felt worse. But it wasn’t the most practical way to dig a grave in the scorching desert…they just didn’t have a shovel.
“We’re not good people,” Chishiya uncaps a tube of antibacterial ointment and squeezes some onto Niragi’s palms, “I know you don’t feel guilty for what you’ve done–“
“I do,” Niragi defends himself, but Chishiya raises a disbelieving eyebrow and his gaze drops down to the ground. “I do feel bad. I think you know how sick it’s made me feel, and now to remember…”
“But?”
“A part of me doesn’t…” Niragi’s stomach feels like it’s twisting, “I liked having that power, and how everyone was finally afraid of me instead of the other way around. I don’t think I’ve ever fully let myself be excited about the violence of this place. I’m too fucking worried about you.”
“You’re afraid of what the others would think if they knew. Especially Usagi.”
“I did what was done to me. But even though I liked the power, I don’t like what I did. I just don’t think they’d understand that.”
Chishiya gently spreads the ointment on his skin, and Niragi enjoys the feeling of their hands touching. The man hums in thought, “I think my enjoyment of the card games isn’t comprehensible to the others. I enjoyed the control I held there, and unfortunately, even as a doctor, I was continually forced to follow orders. I was just as terrible in and out of that world.”
“You could’ve provided genuine sympathy in your profession,” Niragi says, observing the small smirk on the man’s face, “I know you’ve never felt any. Not until now.”
“I find myself pushing to do what is right. Though I’m not sure if I actually care,” Chishiya grabs some gauze and begins individually wrapping Niragi’s hands, “I do know that I care about you and Kuina, and in extension the others. But we’re just not good people, Niragi.”
“And you’re content to live with yourself feeling this way?”
“Aren’t you?” Chishiya asks, and Niragi finally looks up to meet his eyes, “I don’t believe we’re capable of fitting anymore people into our lives. I can’t imagine feeling as deeply as I do for anyone else than you. You and Kuina have managed to take up all the space in my heart.”
Niragi thinks it’s quite sweet that Chishiya is acknowledging that he has a heart. “I just don’t want to be that man again…but I guess I could give a fuck about anyone other than all of us. I’d probably kill anyone else we’d have to try to work with here.”
Chishiya smiles, tucking in the edges of the gauze to secure it, and Niragi immediately holds the man’s injured hands in his, fingers delicate over the burns. He grabs the ointment and rubs some in gently, wanting to return the favor with the same care and tenderness.
“You’re mine too,” Chishiya says, as Niragi massages the antibacterial cream onto the man’s delicate hands. He feels guilty for being the cause of their burns, and only hopes it doesn’t get in the way of Chishiya’s ability to hold weapons.
“This place is just reminding me that I’ll always cause pain. I don’t know if I’m meant to be anything more than…what I’ve slowly been becoming. The last world just quickened it…but with you…I’ve never felt this way– like I was meant to have affection and I was capable of giving it.”
“It’s remarkable what people are capable of when their preconceived notions are shattered,” Chishiya’s fingers twitch, and Niragi has the urge to thread their fingers together into a tight grasp. “Did you know that Kuzuryu was the King of Diamonds?”
Niragi shakes his head, beginning to slowly wrap the man’s hands, “It’s a bit embarrassing that I never considered him a threat.”
“He believed that all life holds value. I’d like to try and believe it,” Chishiya leans in a bit closer, “He wanted to live for his ideals. I’m not quite sure what mine are yet.”
“And what do you think they are so far?”
“I no longer act in my own self interests. I want to consider others when taking action.”
“Is that why you saved Usagi?” Niragi tucks the end of the bandages into the wrappings, but keeps his hands in Chishiya’s. The man doesn’t pull away, but Niragi would find that out of character now.
“I wanted to test my theory, to see if selfless sacrifice was fulfilling…though I suppose it was truly a selfish act. I didn’t consider her life more important than any others,” Chishiya huffs out a soft laugh, “If we’re all equal it seems a bit silly to put someone’s life over ours.”
“I still can’t see you risking your life for anyone…”
“Other than you?”
“Yes,” Niragi says, shivering as the chill of the desert begins to creep in. It’s dark now, but there’s thousands of stars in the sky. Niragi is still upset to find that he can’t recognize any of them. “We should go inside.”
“We’ll have to share a bed.”
“Princess, I’d sleep on the ground with you, but I can’t promise you I won’t take up that entire beautiful mattress.”
“It’s ironic the luxuries we’re given as we begin to lose each other.”
Niragi wants to say that they won’t lose anymore of them, but he’s not confident in that. He’s scared of who will be next. He fights the inklings of fear that threaten to spread when he stares at Chishiya, pushing it down because it won’t do any good.
“We should eat,” he says, because he might feel like shit, but the least he can do is eat, so he can stay strong and stop anyone else from dying. “You need your strength.”
“So do you,” Chishiya says, and the man is so close that Niragi can see the stars in his dark eyes. He lets out a soft breath, “A part of me doesn’t want to keep going.”
“Why would you say that?” Niragi delicately cradles the man’s hands in his, careful to not hurt the other. Chishiya’s words make him angry, but he keeps his voice gentle and his touch even lighter. It’s a bit remarkable to him that his anger begins consumes him less and less when he’s with the man…at least unless the idiot almost gets killed.
“Have you considered the possibility that we could just stay here? We were offered residency in the other world, so why not here? We could build a life here.”
“You don’t really want that,” Niragi shakes his head, “This place can’t give you what you’re looking for–“
“You are what I’m looking for,” Chishiya says firmly, “Each step we take towards going home is a possibility of our separation.”
“Chishiya…” Niragi isn’t sure what to say. He thinks they’ve already established this as a universal truth and that it’s just part of their journey to return home. “This won’t give us a life.”
“What life did we have before?”
Niragi knows neither had much of anything, and the only thing he’d go back for is for Chishiya. But the two of them are together here and… “I’d rather die than have you be stuck here.”
“And that’s what…frightens me,” Chishiya seems unsure as he speaks, and Niragi knows that his feelings of fear are foreign, “I fail to see logic when it comes to you, but who’s to say we can’t be satisfied living like this–“
“There’s no hope for us here,” Niragi isn’t quite sure what that means, because he isn’t quite sure what they’re becoming. The lines between them blur more and more with each passing day. He doesn’t know what the fuck they’re becoming. “You– you’re my best friend, Shuntaro. I could never forgive myself if I let us stay in this world when we have a chance at going back.”
Chishiya leans forward, forehead dropping on Niragi’s shoulder, and he presses his face into soft blonde hair. It’s still strange to see this shift in the man, and Niragi sort of feels responsible for it.
“You said it wouldn’t happen for us– that we’ll survive,” Niragi isn’t so sure now that Chishiya actually believes that, “I promise you we will.” The man doesn’t say anything. “Let’s go inside, Chishiya.”
Niragi finds himself immediately warmer when they close the door and are fully back inside the heat of the tent. The lanterns are low and the space is illuminated in a soft orange glow that should be comfortable, but it’s hard to be at ease when the reality of death seeps into everything around them– the room just one person less than it should be.
“There’s soup and fruit on the table,” Ann says from where she’s sitting on one of the mattresses with Kuina, and Niragi nods in thanks.
“Sit down,” he tells Chishiya, “I’ll grab it.”
Niragi can’t help noticing how Aguni moved one of the mattresses away from the other three, and is curled up in the corner facing the wall. His heart feels heavy, but he knows there’s nothing he could do to try and comfort the man. Aguni wouldn’t want it to be him anyway.
Niragi sees hot tomato soup in a pot that’s sitting on the portable burner, and the idea of eating something other than instant noodles has his mouth watering. There’s canned peaches on the table too and Niragi can’t even comprehend tasting fruit.
Niragi fills up two bowls and takes the remaining peaches in the can, as goes over to Chishiya cross legged on the bed. The man’s boots, scarf and goggles are off, but his body language is still uncomfortable. Niragi sits beside him and hands him a bowl.
“It’s refreshing to eat something other than bland ramen,” Chishiya says, lifting the bowl to his lips and taking a sip. He sighs in contentment, “I continue to wonder what else we will have access to.”
“It doesn’t feel right to enjoy it,” Kuina’s voice is quiet– sorrowful. She looks like she’s been crying, eyes rimmed red.
“This place takes so much that we should enjoy the moments of peace we have,” Chishiya’s words don’t sound particularly considerate of their immense loss, but he thinks the man is attempting to be kind.
Niragi glances over at the table filled with supplies, and his eyes scan the weapons on the table, “We should figure out what we’ll be using.”
“I don’t think we should get rid of our guns,” Arisu says, Usagi’s head in his lap as his fingers card through her hair while she sleeps.
“I’m not saying that,” Niragi thinks of how a single gunshot could kill them all, “I just think we need reliable alternatives before we’ll even have to pick up a gun.”
“Well there’s plenty variety,” Ann’s fingers are intertwined with Kuina’s as the two women are cozied up beneath one of the thick blankets.
Niragi sips his soup, and enjoys the pleasant flavor as it warms him up on the inside. The cold is such a contrast to how hot it’s been during the day. “Long range is safer.”
“I think a sword is perfectly reliable–“
“It takes years of practice to become proficient in swordsmanship,” Chishiya cuts Kuina off, finishing his soup and reaching into the fruit can to pull out a sliced peach. He eats it and makes a barely audible hum of approval. “Using knives could get us killed too. And now none of us are skilled with a bow–”
Niragi looks over at Aguni’s shaking body beneath the blanket, so he places a hand on the small of Chishiya’s back to shut the man up. “We’ll assess what we have in the morning, and figure out what suits each of us. I’m sure there’s something that works for everyone.”
He doesn’t think there’s much to be said after that, because everyone is too exhausted and heartbroken to be committed to continuing through this level. He thinks they’ll eventually have to pick themselves up and go, but he has a feeling that they might stay here for a while.
Niragi finishes his soup, but let's Chishiya eat the peaches the other is so clearly enjoying. He's not sure if anyone else is able to pick up on the man’s emotions, but Niragi can see the crinkle at the corners of those feline eyes. Chishiya’s eyes are incredibly expressive even beneath so much apathy.
And it’s almost too comfortable to be sleeping on a proper mattress, and Niragi feels like he doesn’t deserve it. Chishiya is curled up against him, head tucked beneath his chin and his arm around a slim waist. He doesn’t think either of them really care anymore.
He runs his fingers through blonde hair, and enjoys the gentle breaths against his chest. He can feel the rise and fall of Chishiya’s body, reassured by this action– that Chishiya is alive. He can’t ever truly regret his decision knowing that the man is safe from harm. And he knows that within the walls of this tent, there is no fear of losing each other, and wonders if there’s actually a point to staying here.
I just hope you never have to go through this, Niragi.
It wasn’t a threat, but it felt like one. Not necessarily from Aguni, but from the terrors of these games, and from the people benefiting from their suffering. He doesn’t know what they want or why they’re doing this. He just knows that it’s sick and twisted. Niragi's chest feels tight.
“Go to sleep,” Chishiya says quietly, lips brushing the exposed skin of his chest. It has a shiver running down his spine, and he swallows uncomfortably; he’s always hated touch. He's not sure how this makes him feel. Chishiya wiggles out of his hold to stare at him, eyes blinking lazily, “You’re so tense.”
“Sorry,” Niragi isn’t sure what else to say, hand tangled in blonde hair. “Just go back to sleep.”
“I haven’t even entered REM,” Chishiya’s hands rests on his chest, slightly pushing him onto his back. The man looks down at him with narrowed eyes, “You’re going to be a burden if you aren’t rested.”
“I’m just thinking about what you said, about staying here,” Niragi hears everyone’s deep breaths and light snores as they sleep beside the two of them. “It’s a terrible option, at least in this level.”
“But you’re considering it?”
“If we don’t go fucking brain dead,” Niragi licks his lips nervously and Chishiya’s eyes follow the movement. He feels self conscious even though he knows no one judges him for it. “Do we just stay here while our bodies die?”
“You know I don’t have the answers to that,” Chishiya’s face flickers with irritation, “but we did have a choice last time.”
“Did a part of you want to?”
“It crossed my mind,” Chishiya says, one of his hands trailing up to brush some hair off Niragi’s face, “But I was more tempted to find out what life could finally offer me.”
“I thought I was going to die.”
“I know.”
“I was so relieved,” Niragi sighs, and leans into the hand on his cheek, “There wasn’t even a question on whether or not I wanted to stay. I was finally going to be free.”
“The rules weren’t specified. It wasn’t explicitly clear that we were going to return home, but I assumed there was no other alternative than staying,” Chishiya sighs as both Niragi’s hands move into his hair and play with the strands. “But I wouldn’t have regretted dying…everyone wanted to get back so badly…”
“But not us?” Niragi asks, and the man nods, “There was nothing for either of us to go back to. And I didn’t learn a lesson like any of you.”
“I’d say coming back was the push you needed to change,” Chishiya’s eyes trace the curves of his face, “But you wouldn’t have been able to without any of us.”
“You’d be a lost cause too, princess,” Niragi says, and Chishiya’s lips twitch in a smirk. He feels blonde hair brush his cheeks, and wonders when the man has gotten so close, or if Chishiya’s hair has just gotten longer.
Niragi feels strange, and he’s acutely aware of Chishiya’s body almost on top of his own, but the weight is still comforting, and just confirmation that the man is here with him, breathing and heart beating.
“I don’t think anyone will want to stay this time either,” Chishiya says, “Would you?”
Niragi honestly doesn’t know, because there’s so many unknowns about this place. He wonders if they age– if they’ll die– if they can hide away in the safety of a checkpoint and never worry about death. If they can have forever. If he and Chishiya could have forever. Niragi stares up at those pretty eyes, “You deserve to live a life beyond this place. You can’t tell me you want to fight zombies every time you want a can of peaches.”
“I’m too curious to know what these games will bring to stay here…but when we reach the end…Who’s to say we can’t have an eternity here, building games together.”
Niragi looks at him in disbelief, “You can’t possibly want to be the people that put others here?”
“Have you never even considered it?” Chishiya asks him, and Niragi’s fingers still in the man’s hair. “We’d create something magnificent here.”
“You’re projecting,” Niragi says, “The games gave you something that you’ve never been capable of on your own.”
“With the right push more people like us could find meaning. We can guide them towards purpose–“
“Even if we did that doesn’t mean the games are good. We might not be good people, but that doesn’t mean the things we do from now on need to be bad,” Niragi’s hands slide down to hold his face gently. “You don’t really want to stay here. You’re just scared and that’s okay–“
“Then we win and return home only to forget each other and end up in a place like this again?”
“We won’t forget each other this time. We’d still mean something to each other.” Niragi doesn't even want to lie and convince the man that this will be the last time here.
“But we’d forget everything we went through here together. Everything we are. Suguru–“ Chishiya suddenly falls silent, and Niragi frowns.
“You’re freaking me the fuck out, princess,” Niragi knows that these games aren’t what Chishiya expected them to be, but he would’ve thought the man was used to being in life threatening situations. “You’re not like yourself,” he brushes his thumbs over gentle cheekbones.
“I’m not going to suddenly just hate you. Don’t have such stupid thoughts.”
“We’re better like this,” Chishiya seems distressed, but Niragi doesn’t know what to do, “We’re stronger with our memories.”
“Yeah well we’d be a lot safer without them,” Niragi’s breath hitches when Chishiya suddenly leans down, face just pressing into the crook of his neck. He moves his arms around the man’s body and pats the other’s back. Chishiya is acting so fucking weird. “It’s alright. Nothing will ever make me hate you again.”
“Would you leave without me?” Chishiya asks, voice muffled against his skin.
“Of course I wouldn’t, but you know that already,” Niragi thinks that Chishiya could get him to do a lot of things, and staying here building games could be one of them. It doesn’t mean he isn’t going to try and push the man to go back, who seems to want to stay for some insane fucking reason. “Kuina could never go home without you.”
“Kuina has Ann. She’s not going to waste her life here when she can live it back there, but we’d settle in fine.”
It honestly doesn’t seem like logical thought processes, and just actions motivated by fear. The uncertainty of their future, after having just begun to care about it, is something that leaves a man as controlling as Chishiya Shuntaro struggling to function. Niragi holds him tightly, and feels little breaths on the juncture between his neck and shoulder, “I think the only thing to focus on is making it to the next level. We can’t stay if we die.”
Chishiya wiggles again until he can meet Niragi’s eyes, so close their noses brush for a brief moment when the man settles on his chest. There’s a strange look in those feline eyes that has Niragi feeling unsure, of what exactly, he doesn’t know. “Are you alright?”
“You’ve damaged me irreparably, Niragi Suguru,” Chishiya’s fingers twitch on his chest, “You’ve completely undone me, and I– I don’t even know if I can call myself Chishiya Shuntaro anymore.”
“Well you certainly look like him,” Niragi teases, but Chishiya doesn’t seem amused, so he just sighs, “Sometimes when we change we don’t recognize ourselves. I’d look in the mirror of my hotel room at the Beach every fucking day and not have a goddamn clue who I was looking at. I still don’t know who the fuck I am, but it’s a hell of a lot better than before. And you’re much better than that little bitchy menace who used to antagonize me.” This time there is a slight tilt of Chishiya’s lips into a smirk, but it’s gone just as quickly as it came. “Just go to sleep. I’ll help you pick a weapon in the morning.”
“I’m only sleeping because I’d like to learn combat, but don’t think you can talk me out of my decision.”
Niragi huffs in annoyance, but just lets Chishiya wiggle around again until the man is plastered against his side again, an arm around his waist and face pressed against his bicep.
I just hope you never have to go through this, Niragi.
Those words once again echo in his mind, but he can’t let himself dwell on it when it will only drive him into insanity. Chishiya might want to stay in the delusion that it’s safer for them, but Niragi is going to fight for them to return together.
His heart thumps in his chest, and such an odd feeling spreads through him. He’s not sure what it is, just that it’s intense, and it’s only something he feels when he thinks of the man in his arms.
Niragi turns carefully to hold Chishiya back just as tightly, and closes his eyes, content to spend another night together with their hearts beating. Just another night safe. Just another night sound. And the first night since remembering, that they fall asleep wrapped up in each other, just how everything changed that night at the lake. When Niragi realized that he would never be able to harm the man again.
He’s just relieved it didn’t take very long to remember that.
I just hope you never have to go through this, Niragi.
Niragi won’t. He’s not going to let it even be close to a possibility. He’s going to get them both home. He has to.
He fucking has to.
Notes:
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Chapter Text
Chapter 18
“He’s going to kill himself,” Ann says beside him, as he inspects the weapon in his hold. Niragi doesn’t even bother looking in the woman’s line of sight, knowing Aguni is still sitting in the sand beside Heiya’s grave, just as the man has been all morning and likely will until the sun sets. “He does know that he needs to drink water if he doesn’t want to die in this heat?”
“I think he’s hoping for it,” Niragi mutters, trying not to think about it as he pokes the tip of a small arrow. He’d found himself drawn to the multiple different crossbows spread across the table, and is determined to figure out how to properly use each one. “Go talk to the others if you're so worried. I’ll just make things worse.”
“No one blames you, Niragi. We all know what we would’ve done,” Ann is just being honest, but it still doesn’t make him feel any better knowing that in all the different variables, Chishiya wouldn’t always be someone’s first choice. “I know you feel guilty–“
“It doesn’t fucking matter what I think or what you would’ve done if it was Kuina’s life on the line,” Niragi frowns and loads the six arrow bolts into the weapon that’s labeled AR-6 stinger II. It's the closest weapon provided that’s like a gun other than a gun, but hopefully relatively silent and won’t draw them as much attention. If he can teach Chishiya how to properly aim and not waste valuable ammo, then this pistol crossbow might be perfect for the smaller man.
“Niragi–“
“Just be grateful Kuina is the next person I’d save,” Niragi cuts her off, because he knows they’re a team and they all care about one another, but the value they hold weighs differently to each one of them. “But I’ll choose him every time and I’m not going to make myself feel sorry for it. It doesn’t do anyone good.”
“You seem to have made your peace fairly quickly,” Ann says, touching one of the crossbows in the sand with thought.
“I think we learned last time the things we’re capable of doing in our own best interests.”
“The two of you spent time together after the hospital,” Ann comments, but he thinks it was quite clear to everyone even before being sent back. “I don’t believe it was you who initiated it, but it’s still strange to think Chishiya would’ve made the decision to seek you out.”
“He hates the unknown, and I was especially unknown. I didn’t fit in with the rest of you, holding hands and shit,” Niragi says, and refuses to elaborate. He watches a few feet down where Kuina and Chishiya are building makeshift targets. Chishiya seems to be handling things without any pain, wrapped hands healing nicely.
“Well the two of you are doing more than holding hands now,” Ann teases, but he finds himself less defensive about it. He could give a fuck what any of them think about him and Chishiya. The only person’s opinion that matters other than his own is the blondes.
“We’re all set!” Kuina calls over towards them, and Niragi’s eyes sweep across the targets– empty cans and bottles strategically placed along the sand, some closer and lower, some farther and higher. “Have you guys figured those things out?”
“We think so,” Ann says, lifting one of the heavier crossbows that really only Aguni or Niragi could cock with ease, “Or at least Niragi has it figured out.”
He rolls his eyes, because it’s not like he knows how to expertly use a fucking crossbow. He’s never touched one in his fucking life, but still knows he’d be a hell of a lot better at it than a sword or standard bow. ”As long as we all find something quiet that works for each of us.”
Niragi feels the weight of the weapon in his hand, and it really is just a bigger pistol, a magazine of arrow bolts and handle on the back to cock the string and reload.
He takes aim when the targets are clear, and pulls the trigger with hardly any recoil, and barely any sound, until the arrow digs deep into one of the empty cans. It’s definitely deadly, and with how rotten the zombies are, an arrow will easily pierce through their flesh.
“That seems a bit lackluster for you,” Chishiya steps beside him, eyeing the weapon with interest. Niragi knows that the man is eager to learn, so he hands it over.
“I was thinking this could be for you. It’s not heavy.”
Chishiya takes the crossbow carefully, inspecting it with narrowed eyes, “I’ve never seen anything like this before.”
“Neither have I,” Niragi says, “But it’s really not any different from a gun. You just have to learn to shoot. Try hitting something.” Chishiya glances at him unsurely, and lifts the gun towards the targets, but he places a hand on the man’s arm. “You’ll have to cock it first.”
Chishiya looks at him expectantly, and Niragi shakes his head in amusement, moving behind the other and grabbing the man’s hand, guiding it towards the lever on the back.
“Pull this back and forwards,” Niragi moves Chishiya’s hand with his, and hears the click as the arrow is notched in the string. He grabs Chishiya’s other hand and places it beneath the foregrip, “Hold this to steady yourself, but be careful of the string. Never get your fingers near it when it’s cocked.” He guides the man’s right hand to the trigger, “It shouldn’t be much different than a gun. Just aim with your dominant eye and line up the front and back.” Niragi removes his hand, “Spread your feed a bit. Now just shoot.”
Niragi steps back from him and watches as he gains a steady footing on the uneven sand. He closes his left eyes and lifts the crossbow in the direction of the cans– Niragi isn’t surprised when misses.
Chishiya lets out a huff of irritation, and Niragi can see the slight crease between the man’s brows. He takes in the other’s tenseness. “Relax your shoulders. Control your breathing. Exhale after you fire.”
Chishiya cocks the weapon again, and Niragi is glad that it isn’t too heavy for him, as he takes a breath in and holds it, pulling the trigger– he misses, and lets out a frustrated breath.
Niragi thinks the targets might be too small, and that they’re a bit too far, but Chishiya needs to be able to fire with precision, and he doesn’t want the man to have to get close just to hit something.
“Try again.”
Chishiya misses.
“Again.”
He misses that too.
“This is your last shot. Life or death,” Niragi says, watching the frustration start to show on Chishiya’s face, “Again.”
Chishiya’s last arrow buries itself somewhere in the sand. It seems like the man is ready to throw the weapon on the ground and stomp on it until it breaks. He looks at Niragi with aggravation, “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”
“You just have to learn,” Niragi says, “There’s nothing to do except practice.”
“You’re just natural at this,” Chishiya plucks at the string and Niragi moves the man’s hand away to remind him of the danger, “I can’t do anything…”
“You’re valuable here,” Niragi rests a hand on his shoulder and squeezes comfortably, “Get yourself together, princess. We wouldn’t have beat the last games without you.”
“It’s not like last time. I was built for that world,” Chishiya looks down at the ground, deep in thought, “Why did we have to come here?”
“You think there were other options?”
“We died together in that tunnel. There was no one else with us to come here,” Chishiya’s feet dig into the sand as he fidgets, “There could be hundreds of possibilities and we just ended up here. It’s as if they wanted us to be together just to tear us apart.”
“Well they’re fucking sick,” Niragi’s hand moves to the man’s face and tilts his chin up for their eyes to meet, “You can stand here feeling sorry for yourself or you can learn how to fight. Chishiya Shuntaro wouldn’t let himself think so poorly of himself. You missed some fucking shots, princess. Get over it and do better this time.”
Chishiya’s feline eyes blink at him, as the man seems to contemplate his words. Niragi knows it’s difficult for the other to suddenly lose so much independence and feel so incredibly useless and inadequate. It’s not something someone like Chishiya has ever experienced before.
“Go grab your arrows,” Niragi says, and it’s not a request, it’s more of an order. His thumb brushes Chishiya’s bottom lip before he drops his hand, feeling a bit strange at the feeling of the soft skin of the man’s lip. “Go on.”
Chishiya narrows his eyes unhappily, but he still walks over in the direction of targets to search for his arrows.
“He could try a sword,” Kuina walks up to Niragi and stands beside him, watching the smaller man dig around in the sand angrily.
“You think I’d let him use something so close range?” Niragi raises his eyebrow at her, like she should know better, and is irritated when she just laughs.
“He has to learn what to do if he doesn’t have a gun,” Kuina counters, and he supposes the woman is right, “You can’t just get between him and everything trying to kill us.”
“Even if he can hit a target, I’m still going to step between him and everything else,” Niragi feels uncomfortable at the strange smile on her face.
“We’d risk our life’s for each other, but I’ve never seen anyone look at someone the way you look at him.”
“How the fuck do I look at him? Someone has to keep an eye on the idiot,” Niragi crosses his arms defensively, because he hasn’t noticed that he’s done anything strange.
“Like he’s the reason you’re alive,” Kuina sighs, glancing over at Ann and Niragi thinks she looks at the other woman pretty fucking intensely too. “We fight for ourselves too…but you’re just fighting for him. You wanted to die last time, didn’t you?” Kuina faces him again and he shrugs. He’s not sure what she wants him to say.
“So what?”
“I just think it’d be nice for you to care about yourself too,” Kuina’s hand moves towards him, like she wants to comfort him with touch, but decides better of it when he eyes her fingers warily. “You deserve to be loved– not just by other people.”
“Chishiya doesn’t love me,” Niragi knows she’s talking about him, not the other man, but it’s the only thing he focuses on. “We’re friends.”
“Friends love each other,” Kuina moves some hair off her shoulder and Niragi wonders how she isn’t overheating, “It’s nice the two of you have found someone to care about.”
“Chishiya is your best friend. He cares about you.”
“Yes, but not like you,” Kuina frowns, nibbling on her bottom lip, “I heard you two last night…about staying here…are you?”
“If you’re asking if I’ll stay with Chishiya, then you should know the answer. Anywhere he goes I go.”
“He’s afraid to lose you,” Kuina says, “He’s afraid to have you forget. He thinks the way you hated each other is just as important as the way he feels about you now.”
Niragi wants to ask what it is that Chishiya feels for him, but doesn’t know if he wants to hear her answer. “How do you know all this?”
“I spent almost every minute at the Beach with him. I learned to read him without him having to say anything. I’m smarter than I look,” Kuina gives him a wink, before her face turns serious again, “I don’t think either of you will survive without each other. But that doesn’t mean you have to become them.”
“He’s just scared. He doesn’t mean anything by it,” Niragi runs a hand through his black hair, hot to the touch and damp with sweat from the beating sun, “He’s not used to feeling like a burden.”
“He doesn’t understand love either–“
“We’re friends,” Niragi isn’t stupid; he knows they care about each other. But to call it love is just ridiculous. The word is enough to have an itch beneath his skin that he wants to rip out of his body. Niragi isn’t loved and he certainly doesn’t love either.
“He just doesn’t want to lose you.”
“And I don’t want to lose him,” Niragi says, even if it’s obvious, “I’m not going to let him stay. Stop worrying.”
He doesn’t say anything else because Chishiya is walking over with the six arrows, hair sticking to his face with sweat, and maybe they should rest in the air conditioned tent for a while. It wouldn’t be smart to overheat.
“I’m going to try to get Aguni to drink some water,” Kuina says, likely thinking the same thing as him as she sees Chishiya’s pink cheeks.
“Get him inside too,” Niragi is honestly surprised the man hasn’t gotten heatstroke already.
“Preferably next to the air conditioner,” Chishiya reaches them, and stands in front of him expectantly with the six arrow bolts in his hand, “How do I reload?”
“I’ll leave you to it,” Kuina bumps her shoulder against Chishiya’s before walking away.
“What were you talking about?” Chishiya asks, watching Niragi open the magazine.
“She said you should use a sword,” Niragi huffs in disbelief, “Try opening and closing it a few times, then load it. Place the arrows on top of each other. They should fit in the slot and be cocked easily.” He watches as Chishiya gets familiar with opening the magazine and knows he’ll have the man continue to practice to be able to reload quickly. “Good. Now load.”
“I think I’d be even more terrible with a sword,” Chishiya slides the arrows into the crossbow, and closes to top with a click, “I can’t even stab anything properly.”
Niragi honestly isn’t used to Chishiya being so self-deprecating. That’s more his thing, and it’s fucking weird. If the man isn’t confident then that’s a quick way to get killed.
“I don’t know what you want me to tell you, princess, but we need you,” Niragi rests a hand on top of Chishiya’s on the crossbow, fingers running over his knuckles gently, “I was a shit shot, but practiced all damn day everyday at the Beach. You’re going to get used to it. Now try to aim again, but don’t shoot.”
Niragi watches Chishiya’s feet plant on the sand, and aim towards the cans– the way he holds the weapon with his shoulders just a bit too high. Niragi stands behind him, arms reaching around– hands over his– a boot between his feet to push his legs further apart.
“Your feet are too close together,” Niragi says, front to the man’s back, “And relax your shoulders. You shouldn’t be loose, but if you’re too tense your body won’t accept the recoil and you’ll miss. There’s not much of one with this, but there’s still some. Breathe.”
Chishiya takes a deep breath, shoulders relaxing as he exhales, and lets Niragi move his hands slightly.
“You need to focus on these two pieces,” Niragi lets go of one of his hands to point at the raised section towards the end of the weapon and the two pieces closer towards them, “This is the front sight and this is the rear sight.”
“I wasn’t sure what to focus on last time.”
“I should’ve been clearer,” Niragi thinks that could’ve avoided him almost getting shot. “The most simple thing to do is to focus on the front sight with your dominant eye.” His hands go to the man’s hips to shift them slightly. “Now pick a target.” One of his hands slide around the man’s body to rest on his chest. “Inhale. Hold. Shoot.”
Chishiya takes a deep breath, and fires. One of the cans falls over, arrow embedded in the metal.
“Good,” Niragi says, stepping away from the man, only to put his hands up defensively when Chishiya turns to face him, “Don’t fucking point that at people.”
Chishiya tilts the crossbow towards the sand, and while he’s not smiling, Niragi can see the excitement in his eyes.
“See if you can hit at least one more and then we’ll go inside. It’s hot as fuck.”
“Kuina did get Aguni in,” Chishiya says, and when Niragi looks in the same direction, Aguni is nowhere to be found, “He won’t be of any use if he can’t take care of himself.”
“We’ve lost someone,” Niragi keeps an eye on the man as he takes aim again, “It’s affected him more than any of us.”
Chishiya doesn’t respond. He just shoots and misses. Niragi sees the frustration in his tight shoulders.
“Relax your body,” Niragi reminds him, and he takes a slow breath, shoulders lowering slightly.
This time Chishiya hits a plastic bottle, and it scatters across the sand.
“You’re likely to hit more of the zombies. Their heads are bigger than these targets.”
“Yes, but they move,” Chishiya huffs as he misses again, “And they’re quick.”
“Then you’ll just have to be quicker,” Niragi says, and Chishiya’s next shot skims a can enough to knock it to the side, “You’re getting better.”
“You’ve properly taught me this time,” Chishiya’s attitude makes Niragi laugh. Just glad that hitting some targets has brightened up the man’s mood.
“Last one. Make it count.”
The arrow pierces straight into the can, and Niragi knows he’s smiling proudly like he’s actually done something, because he’s at least reassured Chishiya is just a little more capable.
“I need water,” Chishiya says, and Niragi nods in agreement. It’s hot as hell and they’ve been out here for far too long.
“We’ll go over the parts inside.”
“Is there a reason you want me to know every little detail about this gun?” Chishiya asks, walking behind him as they make their way towards the tent, “I can shoot just fine now.”
“Just fine isn’t good enough,” Niragi opens the door and lets the other man in first. He’s immediately hit with a wave of cool air and it makes his sweat feel even more disgusting. He closes the door and grabs the crossbow from Chishiya, “You should know every piece in case you need to fix something. And it’s not a gun.”
“Shut up you two,” Arisu grumbles from where he’s laying face down on one of the mattresses.
“I think we got too hot out there,” Ann says, pants off and only in her shirt. He doesn’t think any of them really care when they’re just trying to survive, and he’d honestly love to take his shirt off if he could.
“At least we have lemonade,” Kuina says, pouring pink liquid into a few cups on one of the tables, and Niragi’s mouth immediately starts salivating.
“We have access to a lot more here,” Usagi agrees, laying beside Arisu with a wet cloth over her forehead.
Niragi glances over at Aguni, and the wave of guilt that washes over him when he sees the man laying down on the mattress facing the wall is something he knows he can’t let control him.
He walks over to the weapons table and grabs a few things before going back to Chishiya, kicking off his shoes and sitting beside the man on the empty mattress. He takes the canteen from the man’s hand and drinks, who huffs at him in annoyance. He hands it back and places the crossbow in his lap, “Tell me what you know.”
“Trigger, front sight…rear sight…” Chishiya points to each piece correctly, but tries not to look irritated when he can’t tell Niragi anything else.
“I don’t know everything either,” Niragi tries to reassure the man, “I’ve never touched a crossbow in my fucking life, but if we want to survive we have to figure this shit out.” He points to the orange piece, “This is the string, and it’s hooked into the limbs,” he follows one side with his finger, “I want you to practice taking the string on and off.”
“I’m assuming that will assist me?” Chishiya looks at the plastic bag in Niragi’s hand.
“I’ll show you, and then I want you to do it,” Niragi points to each end of the limb, and honestly thinks he’s learning just as much too, “I tried to figure out as much as I could this morning. So the string is attached to these caps at each end. To remove it and put it on we need to get the magazine out of the way.” Niragi holds up the bag, “Extra screws and screwdriver. The magazine is attached in two places, but we can just unscrew the back and still be able to change the string without fully removing it.”
Chishiya watches intently as Niragi unscrews the back of the magazine, and holds the screw carefully when he places it in the man’s palm.
Niragi holds up a small container, “You’re going to want to lube this section. I’d recommend making sure everything is kept up at each checkpoint.” He mimics the motion over the groove, “Just run the balm over it lightly when we stop next, so the arrows glide smoothly in the groove. You’ll want to lube the string too.” He puts down the lubricant and grabs the wire next, “The string is attached in the outer groove of the caps. We’ll attach the wire onto the inner hooks.” Niragi attaches the wire onto each cap on the limbs.
“You cock the string at the same time?”
Niragi pushes the string in front of hooks, so it isn’t cocked back with the wire when he pulls the lever, “I’m going to take off the string, and then I want you to put it all back into place.”
“I can do that,” Chishiya says, taking the empty crossbow from Niragi, and brows furrowing cutely as he tries to remember everything he’s been taught.
“You should be teaching us too,” Arisu grumbles, and it’s only now that Niragi realizes everyone has been staring at them.
“I spent all fucking morning figuring this shit out, but it’s not like I’m an expert.” Niragi doesn’t say that he really only spent the first few hours of morning trying to figure out how to use this particular crossbow specifically for Chishiya, “You should’ve been shooting targets instead of exercising.”
“Endurance training is extremely beneficial,” Usagi rests her arms on her knees and peers over at Chishiya with interest, “We should be keeping up cardio.”
“It’s also hot as fucking hell,” Niragi sighs, because she does have a point, “We weren’t even out there for an hour and I almost passed out.”
“Then we’ll practice shooting when it cools down,” Ann leans against Kuina, putting her head on the woman’s shoulder, “We should listen to Niragi.”
He honestly thinks it says something that even Arisu doesn’t argue about it. Niragi watches Chishiya manage to get the string secured, and the man looks at him questioningly, “And now I just take off the wire?”
“Yeah, take that off and secure the magazine,” Niragi instructs, and lets Chishiya go at his own pace, “It’s good to get familiar with it. I did it enough times to cut my finger.”
“I was wondering what that was,” Chishiya frowns as he screws in the magazine, “You need to be careful. Now what next?”
“Do it again.”
Chishiya raises an eyebrow like he thinks it’s absolutely stupid, but Niragi doesn’t think getting comfortable with the weapon is a disadvantage.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Niragi's hand rests on the man’s knee, and he doesn’t give a shit now, even if he’s sure the others can see. “You need to be ready for anything. What if that string breaks? Or you’re not quick enough to reload? I can’t do all that for you.” He looks at everyone else, “We need to be ready for every possible scenario. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel fucking confident not being able to use a gun.”
“So there’s no hope for us then? You’re our best shot,” Kuina sighs heavily as she comes over to hand everyone a lemonade.
“I just think we need to spend some time here figuring shit out.”
“If we don’t go into a coma–“
“Do we know that’ll actually happen?” Ann cuts off Arisu, seemingly deep in thought, “We don’t know how long the others were there before us. The Kings, Queens and Jacks built the games before we even got there.”
“And we don’t know how time works here,” Usagi points out, while Niragi glances over at Chishiya to see the man taking off the string, before repeating the process.
“You can rush this and fucking get yourselves killed, or you can get your shit enough together to make it through this level,” Aguni turns on the mattress to face them beneath the covers, just his red-rimmed eyes peeking out.
“We,” Niragi corrects, and doesn’t like how the man has already seemed to give up, “But Aguni is right. We focus on learning some basic combat before we go to the next checkpoint.”
“How long is that exactly?” Usagi asks, and he once again notices that everyone is staring at him.
“I’m not the only one who knows how to fight–“
“But you’re good at this,” Arisu says, and it doesn’t feel like an insult; just a fact.
“I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t have anyone,” Niragi isn’t naive enough anymore to think he was friends with Aguni, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t enjoy playing games with the man. “I know I didn’t give anyone a reason,” he says, when he sees they want to point out that, yes, he was a piece of shit. “You need to start thinking like killers.”
“Like a killer?” Kuina tilts her head, “I guess I really haven’t felt like that. Even in the Jack of Spades it was more about me staying alive than taking someone out, even if I knew I couldn’t let them get back up.”
“We don’t get to just survive here this time,” Niragi remembers all the games where it was so easy to run or hide or let someone else do the dirty work, “This is a fucking fight, and we don’t know what other things are going to try to kill us next. It might even be people.”
“These are people.”
“Real fucking people, Usagi. With thoughts and feelings,” Niragi shakes his head, “It doesn’t even fucking matter what’s next. We just can’t hesitate.”
“So how does a killer think?” Kuina asks curiously.
“I’d say it’s more having the proper motivation,” Chishiya says, screwing in the magazine, “We want to protect each other and keep each other safe. We’re not going to be able to do that if we hesitate.”
“Exactly,” Niragi nods, agreeing with the blonde, “It’s easier not to think about what you’re doing and instead why you’re doing it. It used to be just because I liked it–”
“you still do,” Chishiya mumbles under his breath and Niragi pinches his leg.
“There’s no such thing as right or wrong when it comes between you and your life, or between us and them,” Niragi isn’t sure if he’s explaining himself clearly, because things have changed for him this time around. “We can’t let things like morals dictate what we’ll do to survive. We just kill. It’s simple.”
“There is something about pointing a gun at someone that feels different,” Ann says, “I think the King of Spades was the closest any of us have ever felt to what you’re describing.”
“I thought I’d do anything,” Usagi frowns, “But I didn’t really think anything until that fight.”
“It’s fucking messy,” Niragi runs a hand through his hair, feeling the sweat drying, but he’s still fucking hot. “You don’t have to like it, but you have to tell yourself that you can do it. And you can’t let yourself think long enough to talk yourself out of it. Whatever means necessary. We’re the only people that matter. ”
“It sounds simple, but it’s not,” Arisu takes a drink and his eyes close for a brief moment as he savors the flavor, “You’re telling us to just kill without thought. Do you not remember yourself last time? What turned you from you to that, and what’s stopping it from happening again?”
“What’s stopping any of us from changing?” Chishiya says, putting the crossbow down on the mattress to pick up his cup, “Niragi might only get better. You might get worse.”
“We’re all changing, but we’re also all getting closer,” Ann rolls her eyes, “It’s not going to help any of us to poke at old wounds or cause any new ones.”
“Whatever means necessary,” Kuina’s lips turn into a pout as she thinks, “I’d do a lot for you guys. I’d probably do a lot of horrible things and I don’t know how bad I’d feel about it if it kept us safe.”
“I just think it’s important to tell ourselves that we’re capable of even the things we think we aren’t,” Niragi notices the way Aguni’s eyes narrow at him and he looks away quickly, “It’s just something to remember.”
“Will you teach us more about the crossbows?” Kuina asks, eyeing the one on the mattress that Chishiya seems to clearly be guarding as his own.
“I’m sure there’s shit we could all figure out,” Niragi says, and notices that Aguni has turned back around, so there’s no help from the only other man who's likely more proficient in weapons than him. The man has definitely checked out. “There’s one other pistol crossbow on the table that I think would be good for Ann or Usagi, if you’re set on a sword. I’m sure Arisu, Aguni and I can use something a bit bigger, but the question is reload time, so–”
There’s a delicate hand over his and he immediately stops speaking, realizing that he’s rambling and likely just getting everyone anxious. Chishiya sighs, “Let him rest. We’ve been out in the heat all morning. We’ll hit targets when it gets cooler.”
Kuina’s eyes widen in realization, no doubt letting her eagerness to learn distract her from their exhaustion. Niragi is pretty fucking tired from being caught between the scorching sand and boiling sun. She nods, “Sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Niragi says, “We’ll be able to expend more energy when it’s cooler. Maybe you can show us some hand to hand combat.”
“I’d love to see Kuina kick your asses” Ann grins, and places a kiss on the woman’s cheek. Niragi sort of doesn’t want to know whatever freaky foreplay they get up to.
Chishiya places a hand on his forehead and makes a small sound of disapproval, “You’re still warm. Lay down.”
“I’m fine–”
“Lay down,” Chishiya orders, and Niragi raises his hands defensively and lays back on the bed, while the man gets up and walks away. He glares over at the girls that are giggling softly, but at least Arisu is more preoccupied with the lemonade to laugh at him listening to a tiny little blonde.
“I’m fine,” Niragi says, when Chishiya kneels on the bed to place a cool cloth over his forehead, and he quickly thinks that Usagi had a point, as his eyes close in relief and he melts into the mattress. “S’fine, princess. You need to relax too.”
“Shut up,” Chishiya says, tilting Niragi’s head up to drink from the canteen, “It’s the least I can do for this morning.”
“Oooh this morninggg,” Kuina sings, and yelps when Chishiya flicks water at her, and Niragi only knows this because some droplets fall on his face too. He’s too busy letting the cold cloth soothe the tension in his heat-addled brain.
“He taught me how to shoot, you pervert,” Chishiya huffs in annoyance, “But maybe you and Ann shouldn’t make out when we’re trying to sleep.”
“We’re making the best of a difficult situation,” Ann says.
“And if there’s bedrooms at the next place, we’ll make even more out of it,” Kuina adds with a laugh, and Niragi grabs Chishiya’s wrist tightly after more water splashes on his face.
“You’re encouraging her,” Niragi sighs heavily, and tugs Chishiya down to lay beside him. He presses his face against blonde hair and even if they could all seriously use a shower, he somehow still smells apples, “Fucking shut up all of you.”
“I agree,” Arisu sounds about half asleep, but it’s easy to be so relaxed in the dimly lit, air conditioned room with mattresses and pillows and blankets and lemonade, and he tries not to think about the fact that they’re missing someone.
“I’ll wake everyone up for dinner then,” Usagi says, sounding just as sleepy as the man next to her.
But no one wakes up for dinner.
Niragi wakes up alone on the mattress, and sits up with blurry vision and a pounding headache. He groans in irritation, because he fucking hates the heat, and the brightness of this level hasn’t done anything to help his vision– even with the sunglasses. He looks around to find everyone sleeping soundly, and the only difference from just a few hours ago is that Chishiya isn’t beside him.
Niragi stumbles out of the bed in a panic and rushes outside without even putting his boots on, but finds, to his confusion and also relief, Chishiya shooting targets. He walks over and rubs at his eyes, still trying to wake up, “You scared the fuck out of me, princess. How long have you been out here?”
“Long enough to hit every target once,” Chishiya says proudly, looking over at Niragi, eyes dropping down to his feet. “Where are your boots?”
“I was more preoccupied with making sure you weren’t dead,” Niragi lets out a short laugh, because he’s just fucking relieved to find this. He sits down on the sand and watches as Chishiya retrieves the arrows “I’m proud of you.”
“I knew you would be,” Chishiya says, “I found a scope with a laser that I figured out how to attach. You never told me there was one.”
“I thought it’d be beneficial for you to learn how to shoot without one first. You don’t always want to be reliant on it.”
“I agree, but it helps in the dark,” Chishiya grins over at Niragi, face illuminated enough beneath the moon and stars to see the tilt of his lips. “You didn’t have to worry.”
“Is that a joke?” Niragi asks, and enjoys it when Chishiya walks over and sits down in the sand beside him. The man’s hand immediately finds his own and their fingers intertwine on instinct.
“I had to pee, and thought I’d be wasting my time just going back to bed,” Chishiya says, scooting closer until their shoulders are touching, “We don’t have time to waste.”
“That's true,” Niragi says, resting his head on top of the man’s, “But it’s important for us not to be exhausted, and spending all night outside shooting targets in the dark and the cold is going to exhaust you.”
“I just want to be better,” Chishiya leans back and Niragi leans with him, until they’re laying back on the sand staring up at the stars, “I’ve always been the best.”
“And you wouldn’t have unless you worked for it, right?”
“I’ve always been intelligent, but I suppose so,” Chishiya hums in thought, “I gained my knowledge through my studies, but my intellect is purely genetic. I’ve never let exhaustion limit my capabilities.”
“Yeah, but this is physical, babe, not mental.”
“What did you just say?”
“That you can’t shoot a fucking gun if you’re tired–”
“You called me babe?”
Niragi looks over at him with a furrowed brow, and finds Chishiya staring at him with a similar expression, “What are you talking about?”
“You called me babe.”
“No I fucking didn’t,” Niragi’s face feels hot, and he immediately makes the decision to leave, when Chishiya pushes him down with a surprising strength. The man’s eyes are narrowed at him, and Niragi feels like a deer caught in headlights. “I didn’t fucking say shit.”
“You. Called. Me. Babe.” Chishiya’s lips curve into a vulpine smile and Niragi has the urge to push him off and run off into the desert never to be seen again.
“I call people a lot of things.”
“I certainly hope you’ve never called anyone that.”
“It was an accident. I didn't mean it. I didn’t even know I said it–”
“I liked it.”
Niragi doesn’t really know how to respond to that, because he definitely wouldn’t have thought someone like Chishiya Shuntaro enjoyed being called pet names…but he does call the man princess. Niragi swallows nervously, and Chishiya’s palms feel hot through his linen shirt, “Then I guess I’ll call you that?”
“Only on special occasions.”
“Special occasions?” Niragi raises an eyebrow, “What special occasions?”
“Everyone knows you call me princess, which I can’t say I’m thrilled about, but it’s not really between us anymore,” Chishiya says, and Niragi nods, “Chishiya is for everyday conversation. When you talk about me to anyone else you can only use Chishiya.”
“I did call you an idiot to Kuina this morning,” Niragi teases, and grunts when Chishiya’s weight settles more on top of him, forearms on his chest. “Alright, go on.”
“You mostly stopped calling me a moron and an idiot and a menace, but now I think it’s less that you think those things about me and more that you’re just worried. Right?”
“Yes,” Niragi doesn’t actually think Chishiya is an idiot, and he hopes the other man doesn’t believe that, “I don’t think that about you.”
“Babe,” Chishiya seems to test the word on his tongue, “It feels very casual, doesn’t it?”
It doesn’t sound casual to Niragi. It actually sounds quite mortifying. And he can’t believe that he actually called the man babe. He doesn’t say any of that. “Is it?”
“It’s taken the place of princess. Only between us, but only when you’re being sweet with me.”
“Being sweet with you?” Niragi doesn’t even know what that fucking means, “I just fucking talk to you like a normal person.”
“I guess it’ll come more naturally with practice.”
“And what about Shuntaro? When can I call you that?”
“Only when it’s just the two of us. And only when you really mean it,” Chishiya finger’s trace his collarbones with thought, “I don’t just call you Suguru all the time. I’m the only person in your life who calls you by your name, and you're the only one that calls me by mine.”
“You’re sort of controlling,” Niragi hisses when the man’s nails dig into his skin. “Fine, so am I. But it’s just names.”
“Names have meaning,” Chishiya says, “It brought you back to me in the darkness. Has anyone ever said it like I did? Like you meant something?”
“You know that no one has,” Niragi thinks the two of them know that they’ve always been alone until finding each other– that no one has begun to know them the way they know each other. “You’re the only person I’ve ever liked calling me Suguru.”
“I was never close enough to anyone to drop formalities, and even my own father hardly said my name. He could never stand to look at me very often.”
“Well I like to look at you,” Niragi says, reaching up to run his fingers through Chishiya’s hair, “And I like to say your name. Shuntaro.”
“Suguru,” Chishiya’s hands move up to hold his face gently, and he sighs into the touch, “It’s getting cold.”
“Are you cold?”
“No, you’re warm enough,” Chishiya watches him deeply, eyes tracing the contours of his face.
“What?”
“I’m just thinking,” Chishiya says, thumbs brushing along his cheekbones, “About what we’re becoming. I hate not knowing things.”
“We care about each other,” Niragi isn’t ashamed to admit it, but his conversation with Kuina does linger in the back of his mind and have his stomach feel strangely fuzzy, like he’s drank too much soda too quickly, “You’re overthinking.”
“I guess,” the man readjusts himself to rest his head on Niragi’s chest, “I like when you touch my hair.”
“Yeah?” Niragi asks, running his fingers through the blond strands while Chishiya lays half on top of him. The air is cold and the sand even colder, but the other man’s body is hot. “We should go inside. You don’t want to get sick.”
“Just a little while longer,” Chishiya yawns, already exhausted from being out here whoever knows how long, “I like looking at the stars even if they’re not our own. I wonder what the constellations are here.”
Niragi doesn't think it really matters when they’re not going to stay long enough to find out. But he supposes the man does have a point, and lets Chishiya slowly fall asleep on his chest. He stares at the stars just a little while longer before carrying the other back into bed, limbs entangling to share their warmth, and pressing his face into apple scented hair.
Chapter Text
Chapter 19
Niragi takes a step forward, but Ann wraps slim fingers around his wrist and keeps him from intervening. He looks over at her to find her raising an eyebrow at him like he’s acting ridiculous, “He’s learning.”
“Yeah, but she doesn’t have to hit him so hard,” Niragi frowns, watching Chishiya get up from the sand and rubbing a hand over his jaw. Niragi is willing to bet he’s going to be bruised. “I really think it’s a waste of time trying to teach whatever the fuck these basic forms are.”
“So then what do you recommend?” Kuina looks over at him with annoyance, because he clearly wants her to hear him, so she responds.
“We’re going to be spending too much time trying to remember foot work, then what really matters. Throwing a punch.”
“But it still takes skill to properly punch,” Kuina counters, easily blocking Chishiya with her left arm when he tries to catch her off guard with an ill-timed fist.
“We don’t want to get our fists anywhere near them,” Niragi argues back, and he hears Ann sigh in exasperation beside him.
“You’re not worried about footwork, Niragi. You’re just worried about Chishiya,” Ann points out, and he narrows his eyes at her, pulling his arm from her grasp. “And these are skills we can use in the other levels too.”
“He doesn’t need fancy footwork to fight.”
“Then why don’t you demonstrate?” Kuina points a finger at him, curling it towards herself in encouragement for him to come closer. “Fight me.”
“I’ll hurt you,” Niragi glares over at Arisu when he hears a sharp laugh, and thinks the man should just focus on figuring out the giant fucking crossbow the other seems adamant on mastering.
“I don’t know, Niragi,” Usagi sits beside Arisu in the doorway, sharpening their knives, “Kuina is tough.”
But she’s never fought him, he thinks, but doesn’t say. Chishiya is staring at him, but he’s not sure what the man is thinking, but then those delicate lips tilt into the slightest smirk and Niragi rolls his eyes. It’s clear the other man thinks he’s going to get his ass kicked.
“I’ll be fine,” Niragi waves his hand in dismissal, and walks over to where Kuina has been instructing Chishiya.
“You’re underestimating her,” Chishiya says as they brush past each other, and Niragi just huffs in annoyance.
“Have a little faith in me, princess,” Niragi steps into the makeshift circular arena they’ve drawn in the sand, and doesn’t know why Kuina wanted to make this feel so official when all they’re really doing is just making sure everyone knows how to pack a punch.
He watches as she once again takes her stance, right foot forward and pointed towards him, and left foot back and pointed outwards. She faces him, right hand up and left down, ready to strike. And it’s not like Niragi thinks she’s weak, but his bullies never had any formal training, so he believes it’s all for show. He raises his fists in front of his chest and—
He’s on his ass in seconds.
Niragi didn’t even register her throwing a quick as lightning punch, but his cheek is definitely throbbing, but the leg swiped beneath his is what really took him down. He stares up at the woman grinning down at him, a halo of sunshine around her mass of hair and she sort of looks like an angel. It makes him wonder if he has a concussion, “ow.”
“I told you,” Chishiya says, and he looks over at the smirking man and tries to ignore everyone else laughing.
“Fucking fine,” Niragi takes Kuina’s offered hand and lets her help pull him up. “But I’m still not wrong. It takes years to get to the level you’re at, and if we’re too busy trying to remember footwork, then we’re going to get killed.”
“So what do you think we should do?”
“Learn how to hit something without hurting ourselves doing it. The two of you have been circling each other for thirty minutes, but you’re not actually teaching him anything.”
“At this rate we’re all going to pass out until morning again,” Ann says, a hand placed above her eyes to shield her from the sun that somehow has them all still squinting even with their sunglasses on.
“Fine,” Kuina huffs, raising her voice so everyone pays attention to her, “I’m going to go over this one more time. Do with it what you will.” She waits until Usagi and Arisu make their way over towards them, and it makes Niragi wonder if Aguni should be paying attention too, but the man is laying down inside. Kuina stands in front of them and holds out her hand, ”We don’t have gloves or tape, and we don’t want to injure our wrists or fingers with unnecessary tension. Hand out straight, palm down. Curl your fingers into your palm. Fold the thumb down.”
Niragi is confident enough that he knows how to make a fist that he doesn’t think he needs practice, but still follows along with her instructions, copying her movements.
“It will feel most natural to keep your thumb under your index and middle finger, but don’t keep it too tense or you might damage your wrist,” Kuina uses her finger on her other hand to press between the fingers of her fist, “Your finger shouldn’t be able to break into the fist. But your fist also shouldn’t be tight enough that it causes strain.”
“But you don’t always hit like this,” Usagi comments, making sure her fist is tight enough as she pokes at it.
“I’m familiar with many different ways to strike,” Kuina says, “But this is the position that will come most naturally to beginners. It’s just important not to injure yourself.”
“You mentioned wrist strain. It applies to actually hitting something too,” Ann doesn’t quite ask, but it’s a reminder that it could be beneficial for Kuina to give them a refresher from when they all went over basic forms in the morning.
Kuina nods, “The simplest thing to remember is thumb facing down, wrist straight, punch, squeeze, hit. You should always relieve the tension in your fist between punches, or else you’ll slow down and your hits will lose strength.”
“It’d be nice to have something to practice hitting, rather than have you kick our asses,” Arisu says, no doubt still feeling the soreness of his jaw from sparring with Kuina earlier today.
“Actually,” Ann taps a finger on her chin in thought, “I might have an idea.”
And Niragi thinks it’s definitely effective, but might be a bitch to clean. Chishiya eyes the mattress unhappily as Niragi and Arisu take one of them outside and lean it against a side of the outer walls to create a makeshift punching bag. The blonde frowns slightly, “It’s going to get sandy.”
“And when we take it back inside the floor will get sandy,” Usagi adds.
“There’s already sand fucking everywhere when we take our goddamn boots off,” Niragi thinks he’d care more about all the sand in his bed if it wasn’t the least concerning thing to worry about. “It’ll be hot as fuck though.”
“Which is nice with how cold it gets at night,” Kuina claps her hands, “Alright, I’ll take some time with each of you.”
“You can practice on me, princess,” Niragi says, but Chishiya just gives him a look. “What?”
“I’m not going to hit you.”
“Not like that,” Niragi grabs his hand and pulls them a bit away from the group. He ignores the heat, thinking they’ll have to go inside soon, and puts his hands up, palms facing Chishiya, “Show me what you can do, babe.” He tests the word out on his tongue, and thinks his face might be red, but it’s not just from the sun.
Chishiya grins, and it makes him think he’s done something right. The man looks at his hands, “I’d rather not hit you as hard as I would that mattress.”
Niragi glances over at Usagi hitting their punching bag, before giving his attention back to Chishiya and shaking his head, “Just practice keeping your wrists strong. Kuina is right. You could hurt yourself.”
“You could hurt yourself,” Chishiya says, but still lifts up his fists, and tentatively moves one against Niragi’s left palm.
“A little harder than that,” Niragi laughs softly, “I can take a little force.”
Chishiya hits just a little harder, and this time the contact of their skin makes noise. Niragi keeps his hands in front of him, keeping an eye on the man’s movement as Chishiya alternates between hands.
“It’s almost easy to not want to leave camp,” Chishiya says, right fist connecting with Niragi’s left palm. “Unless we need to make runs for food.”
“Chishiya,” Niragi has a warning in his voice that has the other man’s eyes rolling.
“I know we’re not staying here,” Chishiya’s hits follow Niragi’s hands when they move up, then down, and repeat. “But we fit much more comfortably on this bed. If you convince me to go back, we’ll have to buy a bigger one for your apartment.”
“That’s assuming you’ll still live with me,” Niragi’s stomach feels slightly uneasy and he resists the urge to fidget.
“Where else would I go?”
“To your apartment,” Niragi hisses at the surprisingly hard punch to his left hand, “Easy, princ– where are you going?”
Chishiya doesn’t respond as he just starts walking away, and Niragi looks after him in obvious confusion, not knowing what made him upset…or maybe he’s just overheating.
“Are you guys going in already?”
Chishiya ignores Ann too, passing by her and disappearing back into the tent. She looks at Niragi questioning and he just shrugs, “It’s hot.”
“I think he’s angry.”
Niragi walks towards her and there must be some type of confusion on his face, because she just shakes her head at him. He crosses his arms defensively, “What?”
“Did you two fight?”
“Of course we didn’t,” Niragi and Chishiya don’t fight anymore, even if they disagree on whether or not to stay or leave here. But they don’t fight.
“He looks upset. His face is almost too apathetic now that I’ve gotten used to seeing emotion in him.”
“He has no reason to be upset. We were just going over his punches,” Niragi doesn’t know why the man would be angry with him.
“What were the two of you talking about?”
Niragi is completely aware that everyone knows he’s been sharing a bed with Chishiya since the lake house. They also literally all sleep in the same room now. But that doesn’t mean he wants to tell her about them living together. There’s already enough assumptions about them when he thinks it should be understood by everyone that they’re just friends. So Niragi shrugs again, “Nothing really.”
“Well I advise you go talk to him while we’re still out here. I'm sure you don’t want to be fighting with him all day.”
“We’re not fighting.”
“Fine, you’re not fighting,” Ann agrees, even if it doesn’t sound like she is, “But if he’s hurt I’m sure that you want to make sure he’s better. Emotional wounds are just as damaging as physical ones.”
Niragi doesn’t like when she uses the word wounds, because the idea of the man hurting enough to be wounded has him actually sort of freaking out. He nods at her, “If you could try to give us some time?”
“I’ll try, but it’s getting even hotter now that it’s after noon,” Ann doesn’t try to comfort him with touch like Kuina, but she gives him an encouraging smile even if her next words aren’t kind. “You know you probably did something.”
“You’re a bitch,” Niragi says, but it holds no heat and just turns her kind expression into one of amusement. “Thanks.”
“Can’t let the most toxic couple in our group have even more problems,” Ann teases, and he huffs in irritation as he walks away, flipping her off over his shoulder.
He’s relieved that the others haven’t seemed to notice two of their group retreating into the tent, too busy hitting the mattress, because he’d hate to make anyone else aware that Chishiya is upset and that it might be his fault.
“Did you overheat?” Niragi asks the man, walking into the cool tent and closing the door behind him. Chishiya is sitting on their bed just staring at one of the canvas walls, and he glances over to the left corner, glad that it seems like Aguni is sleeping, so at least they really do have privacy. “You should drink water.” Niragi’s brows furrow when he’s met with silence, “I’ll get you some.”
He grabs the canteen that they keep by their pillows and walks over to the cooler to refill it. He watches the bottle fill up, and tries not to think about the half empty container, and that they’ll need to leave when they need more water.
“Here, you should drink,” Niragi sits beside the man and hands him the canteen, but he doesn’t take it. “Are you alright?”
“Are you really asking me that?” Chishiya asks coolly.
And Niragi is immediately hurt by the cold tone and how Chishiya still won’t look at him. He places a hand on the man’s knee and doesn’t enjoy the way the other’s body tenses at his touch. “Did I do something?”
“Do you really not want to live with me?”
“What?” Niragi has no idea what the fuck he’s talking about. “Are you talking about when you were staying with me?”
“I likely still would be, so I don’t understand why you’re making me leave.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Niragi grabs his face and turns his chin for them to face each other, surprised by Chishiya’s glare. “What are you talking about, Chishiya?”
“You don’t want me with you.”
“That’s– what the fuck makes you think that? Of course I do,” Niragi’s thumb brushes over his cheekbone.
“You’re kicking me out of your apartment–“
“Wait, like what we were joking about outside? Princess, you don’t want to live with me.”
“I think I know what I want,” Chishiya sounds how he used to– overly confident– and it’s a bit of a relief from the emotional rollercoaster that Niragi has been going on with him. “It’s clear you know too.”
“That’s not– no,” Niragi shakes his head, “I just think it’d be ridiculous to want to live with me permanently. I suck, babe. You should go to your apartment that I bet is nicer than mine.”
“You’re not that bad,” Chishiya says, leaning into his touch, eyes blinking lazily at him.
“You want to fucking move in, then you fucking move in,” Niragi doesn’t think it would get worse between them, and they honestly get along a lot more than they ever have. “This is no place for us to fight. How the hell was I supposed to know that’s what you wanted?”
“Because you’re dense,” Chishiya accuses, albeit fondly, and Niragi laughs gently.
He leans forward and presses their foreheads together, eyes closed and just enjoying their close proximity. “I’ll always want you with me.”
“Even if we go back?”
“It doesn’t matter where we are. The answer is yes,” Niragi ignores that the man says if and not when. He sighs at the delicate fingers that thread into his hair and relaxes into Chishiya’s touch. “Don’t ever think I don't want you. You’re my best friend–“
A loud laugh catches them both off guard and they pull away from each other quickly. Niragi’s face feels hot as Aguni laughs almost meanly at the two of them. “Best friends? You’re a riot, Niragi.”
“It’s good to see you do anything other than wallowing,” Chishiya says, eyes narrowed at the man.
It’s Chishiya’s words that aren’t really meant to be kind that sobers Aguni up fairly quickly. The older man’s face darkens– brows furrowed, angry eyes, and a deep frown. His fingers curl into his cover, “I wouldn’t expect you to care, but it’s only respectful to pretend, you heartless fucking–“
“Leave him alone,” Niragi cuts Aguni off before he can insult Chishiya any longer. He doesn’t know Chishiya well enough to understand that the blonde is mourning too. “All of us are hurting, Aguni.”
“I’m sure it helps to be together,” Aguni spits out at them, “Even if the two of you are morons.”
Niragi sighs heavily, because there’s no reason for him to give into the other man picking a fight when Aguni is aching more deeply than anyone else. “I’ll start on lunch. You need to eat too.”
He stands up and walks towards the assortment of canned foods and drinks. They had tomato soup and carrots last night, but it might be good for them to get some protein in so he grabs the two chicken soup cans that Ann was smart enough to stuff into her backpack and opens them to pour into the pot on the burner. He randomly thinks about catching something ridiculous like scurvy, so he takes one of their precious fruit cans and separates the mandarin oranges into seven bowls. Niragi stares at the lingering juice in the can and feels his mouth water, but it wouldn’t be fair of him to savor it when everyone else is working so hard.
Niragi takes it and walks back over to Chishiya who is laying back on their bed and avoiding Aguni’s glare. He kneels beside the man, “Here.”
Chishiya turns onto his side and stares at Niragi questioningly, staring at the can, “It’s empty.”
Niragi laughs softly, placing a hand on Chishiya’s face and brushing the hair from his face, “There’s some juice left. You should drink it.”
“What about you?”
“We had apple juice last night, so I think I’m fine just eating the fruit. Don’t be stubborn.”
“You’re ridiculous,” Chishiya sits up, Niragi’s hand naturally sliding down his body and settling on his hip. “You should let yourself have things here too.” He takes the can and lifts it to his lips, drinking with a satisfied noise in the back of his throat and closed eyes.
“I’d rather you have them. You’re the priority,” Niragi says, and means it. He’s always been on his own– never knowing what it meant to have things– people. Now that he’s cared about and cares about so many others, he wants them to be taken care of first. He became such a selfish person that it’s still unexpected that this is what has filled that ache inside of him.
He hears a grumble and looks over to find Aguni staring at him with a contemplative look. Niragi struggles to decipher what it means, but then the man just turns over to face the wall.
Chishiya finishes the juice and places it down, but doesn’t move, and Niragi can feel the other’s body heat beneath his palm. Chishiya’s right hand finds his face, “You should rest.”
“Shouldn’t we all?” Niragi jokes, because he’s not the only one who’s exhausted. He knows they’re preparing for what comes next, but everyday in “safety” makes it harder to imagine going on any further. He understands what Chishiya is saying, but he wants to go on to get home. “I’ll finish the food, so we eat and wait out the heat. Maybe you should tell everyone else to come in. It’s only getting hotter.”
Chishiya nods, and Niragi finds it strangely tortuous to stop touching as the man walks away. It’s the first time he realizes just how much they do after the lake house, and how different it is now that it doesn’t burn. It doesn’t worry him like he thinks it would have before.
“I shouldn’t be surprised that you can’t tell what’s going on.”
Niragi gives his attention to Aguni from where he’s been watching Chishiya exit the tent. He somehow feels like the man is being cruel with the sharp bite in his voice. “You can’t take your anger out on him.”
“But it’s fine with everyone else. With you?”
“I never said that–“
“But he’s different?” Aguni laughs, low and bitter, “You really have no idea, do you?”
“No idea about what?” Niragi knows the confusion must show on his face, because Aguni’s head shakes in disbelief.
“The kid is right. You’re dense. But the funny thing is that he is too.”
“Is there a point you’re trying to make? I know you’re in pain, Aguni–“
“You know nothing of pain,” Aguni cuts him off angrily, sitting up for their eyes to be level as they stare at each other across the room. “Not a pain like this, and I’ve already told you that I hope you never do.”
“Then what the hell are you trying to tell me?” Niragi is starting to get irritated because it just feels like Aguni wants to make him feel stupid.
“You love the kid. Anyone can see it.”
Niragi thinks back to his conversation with Kuina, and how she basically said something similar, but less direct. He shakes his head, “I don’t love him and even if I did it wouldn’t be in the way you all like to insinuate.”
“Jesus Christ, Niragi, can you really not tell?”
“I care about him, and I think it’s clear that I care about him more than any of you, but love is an entirely different fucking thing,” Niragi says, because it’s just not possible for someone like him. That part of him that could, died inside of him all those years ago.
“Fine. You don’t fucking love him,” Aguni is looking at him likes he’s an absolute fucking idiot, “But if the time comes that he’s dying in your arms–“
“Shut your fucking mouth,” Niragi practically snarls like some rabid animal, because Aguni has no right to even speak it. “That’s not going to happen.”
“I never told her I loved her. She died never knowing.”
“You’re dumber than I thought if you think she didn’t know, Aguni,” Niragi says, “She died in my arms thinking you were holding her. And she was so happy to go home with you–“
“I don’t need to hear that,” Aguni’s eyes are wet and he looks away from Niragi to hide his tears, “It doesn’t change the fact that I live in regret. And I just want to make sure you don’t either.”
“Chishiya knows how much I care about him,” Niragi thinks he’s talked to the blonde enough about it. Chishiya knows that Niragi would die for the other– that he would stay here just to be together– that he would give anything and give up everything. He sighs, hearing the bubbling of the boiling soup, “Please eat something. You have to be strong for us to make it. We need you, Aguni.”
“Don’t worry. I’m not going to let anyone else die like you,” Aguni blames him; that much is clear. But it still hurts to hear.
“Ah it’s so cool in here,” Kuina walks into the tent and sighs happily.
“We really can’t do much during the day,” Arisu says, hair sticking to his face with sweat, “It’ll be horrible to be out there again.”
“I’m more worried about the zombies than the heat,” Ann collapses onto her mattress, and Niragi watches Arisu and Chishiya carry the other mattress inside, Usagi following close behind and closing the door.
He gets up and goes over to the burner to keep from burning the soup, turning it off and carefully pouring even amounts into the empty cans on the table– bowls already filled with fruit. He turns around to find everyone laying down in exhaustion. “There’s food on the table.”
“Thanks, Niragi,” Usagi gives him a warm smile, but her kindness is still strange for him after everything they’ve been through. But their friendship in the real world built enough foundation to build whatever it is they are now. They’re teammates and they’ll fight for each other.
“We’ll just have to take that mattress out again,” Chishiya says to Arisu, but the man just waves his hand in dismissal.
“Then we’ll use yours,” Arisu says, drinking deeply from his canteen. Niragi eyes the slowly depleting water cooler once again.
Chishiya’s eyes are narrowed at Arisu, no doubt disgusted at the idea of making his bed sandier than it already is, and Niragi smiles at how it’s actually a bit adorable. It’s only recently that Niragi has thought of him as cute and adorable. But supposes that when your opinion changes on someone, it’s only natural that they start embodying new traits.
He grabs a bowl of mandarins and one of the cans and takes it over to give to Chishiya. The man raises an eyebrow at him, “You need to eat too, Niragi.”
“I am, princess. I’m just giving you food,” Niragi grins at him, and Chishiya just huffs, “Don’t worry so much.”
“That’s incredibly hypocritical. All you do is worry,” Ann is staring at him like he’s dumb and Niragi thinks that today is just not his day.
“Just eat,” he sighs, going over to grab his own food and thinking that everyone needs to get out of his business.
And after they eat, it’s really no surprise that they all pass the fuck out again from heat exhaustion and sleep through the day, and through the night.
Except Niragi wakes up in a cold sweat, sitting up frantically with a hand on his chest to feel his rapidly beating heart as he fights off the pure panic inside of him. He looks beside him and sighs in relief at Chishiya sleeping soundly, curled up beneath the cover and clearly unharmed.
He doesn’t even really have nightmares anymore, because that twisted part inside of him struggles to find most of the things he did in the last world as something to hate about himself. It’s a bit disgusting that he regrets very little of what happened, now that he understands how he became what he did…but now he’s just this.
He likes this much better.
He stares down at the man, and resists the urge to gather Chishiya up in his arms with the worry of waking up the other who is clearly so peaceful. Niragi sighs, pressing his palms to his eyes to fight the tears that threaten to fall, the nightmare taking a hold of him.
In Heiya’s place was Chishiya, and the sound of the gunshot still sounds in his ears.
He blames Aguni for amplifying his fears, and he tries not to think of it as an omen, as something that could happen. Because he’d never let it. It’s impossible. It won’t happen.
“Are you alright?”
He turns his head to find Usagi by the water cooler, filling up a small cup. He nods his head, but she doesn’t look like she believes him, so he ends up shaking his head, “No.”
“Would you like to talk about it?”
It’s how the two of them find themselves outside, sitting close together because it’s so cold outside. Niragi stares up at the stars, and it’s silent between them, Usagi waiting for him to speak. He’s not sure why he says what he says, but he just doesn’t think.
“Do I love him?”
“Do you?” Usagi asks, and he looks at her in annoyance. She stares at him in thought, round eyes seemingly staring inside of him to find his secrets, “You asked us if you were unlovable. Do you remember?”
“Yes,” Niragi says, irritated that she’s not answering his question, “What does that have to do with anything?”
“I just think it’s interesting. If you love him, then don’t you think you deserve to be loved by him too?”
“I don’t think it’s fair to expect anything from him. He might not feel the same way, and–“ Niragi sighs, “I just care about him, but for some reason everyone’s telling me I’m in love with Chishiya. But we’re not like, a couple like all of you. I’ve already told you I’m not gay.”
“I mean lots of people love each other,” Usagi shrugs, “It doesn’t mean you’re gay if you love him. You would just love him.”
“Like family?” Niragi asks, even if he’s never known what it’s like to have a loving family. But thinking of Chishiya like family is strange.
“Why do you think you have to label it?” Usagi places a hand on his arm comfortingly, “Can’t you just love him?”
“I guess it’s just, I mean, he’s a man. That’s not right– not for me. Not for me.”
“Well how do you feel about us?”
Niragi thinks it’s a strange question to ask, because he hopes they know, “I care about all of you. I’ll fight for you here and try to keep you safe.”
He doesn’t want to think about what he did to Heiya.
“I think all of us feel that way about each other. And maybe it’s not love between all of us, but we care about each other,” Usagi says, and he thinks she has a point, “You care about Chishiya more deeply than me. Couldn’t that be love?”
“He’s my best friend,” Niragi focuses on the stars again, “I guess I just don’t know what love is.”
“Then just enjoy the way you feel for him– for us. I think it’s important to focus on what we can do for each other. It doesn’t have to be more than that. And maybe you’ll figure it out, but let’s just take care of each other.”
Niragi actually likes the sound of that, because Usagi has quickly soothed his worries. He should be able to just care about Chishiya without it having to mean anything.
“Kuina was just trying to help.”
“How did you know it was her?” Niragi asks, but honestly it only makes sense that it would be her. Chishiya is her best friend and she’s always looking out for him.
“I just know…but Niragi, please don’t be scared of admitting your feelings, when you really do realize you love him…”
Niragi doesn’t respond, because it’s not something to think about. And he can’t help noticing that she says when and realize instead of if, as if he’s just too dumb to realize he loves the man. But he doesn’t.
“What are you doing out here?”
Niragi turns his head to find Chishiya sleepily standing in the doorway with half open eyes and a small worrisome frown. Niragi immediately feels guilt for disrupting the man’s sleep. Niragi stands and grabs Chishiya’s hand, “Just talking. I’m sorry for waking you. Go back to sl–“
“With you,” Chishiya is honestly so fucking stubborn, but it still has Niragi smiling softly.
“Alright, alright,” he looks over at Usagi, “I guess that’s our sign to go back to bed.”
“It’s probably for the best. We have a busy day tomorrow,” Usagi agrees, standing up as well as they all go back inside the tent. It had been universally decided by the group earlier that tomorrow should be their last day here.
“What were talking about?” Chishiya mumbles in the crook of his neck as he holds the man in their bed.
“Just about each other– that we need to take care of each other– keep each other safe,” Niragi lips brush into blonde hair as he speaks, “And that I care about you.”
“I know that,” Chishiya says, but still sounds incredibly pleased, and Niragi can feel a smile against his skin. He runs a soothing hand down the man’s back and Chishiya sighs contentedly.
“Now go back to sleep,” Niragi’s voice is soft, “We’ll work hard tomorrow.”
“So I can keep you safe too,” Chishiya yawns, and snuggles up against Niragi, breaths deepening and evening out slowly. His words are slow and sleepy, “I care about you too.”
“I know,” Niragi closes his eyes and enjoys the feeling of Chishiya’s steady beating heart. “I know.”
Chishiya doesn’t respond after that, having fallen asleep in the warmth of Niragi’s arms. He thinks of Usagi’s advice, but can’t help but feel she thinks he’s also not understanding himself. It’s not something he wants to let keep him up at night. He can just care about the man without having to worry about calling it something.
Niragi, please don’t be scared of admitting your feelings, when you really do realize you love him.
But he can’t. It’s not right, right? Men just don’t love each other unless they’re family. It’s just not natural even if they’re not in love.
But if he does care about Chishiya more deeply than he thinks, then maybe they are family, like brothers. It certainly could explain why the man is the center of his universe– that he’s just a simple planet orbiting the sun to survive in Chishiya’s warmth.
Niragi has never had a family before, not like this. Yet everyone here in this room has provided him with something he’s always been missing. Chishiya is just the one keeping his feet on the ground, keeping him tied to this earth…or wherever the fuck they are.
He can’t help but want to label it. He needs something that makes sense. Because he’s not in love. People like Niragi can’t do that.
He holds Chishiya more tightly, breathing in the faint scent of apples even through all the sweat and dirt and sand that clings to their bodies. He sort of hopes the next places have showers because cleaning themselves with wet rags isn’t satisfying enough.
Brothers, Niragi mouths silently, and likes the way the word clings to his tongue. It definitely explains things more.
The realization that they are more than he thought is not as frightening as he thinks it should be, now that he understands what they are.
Niragi sighs, and enjoys the way Chishiya clings to him in sleep, like it would be impossible to ever separate them– that they are one, hearts synced.
It’s this final thought that manages to put Niragi into a simple, peaceful sleep, limbs entangled and breaths matching.
Chapter 20
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 20
“That’s taking too fucking long. You’ll get yourself killed.”
Arisu looks up at Niragi, from where he’s cocking the large crossbow with the assistance rope, hooked into the green and black string of the camo colored weapon. He sighs in annoyance, “Then how the hell would you do it?”
“Have you just considered that you just might not be strong enough for that thing?” Niragi knows his words irritate the other man, but he’s just being honest. “Try cocking it with your hands. We can’t wait for you to attach those hooks every damn time just to reload.”
Arisu detaches the rope and grabs the string with his hands, pulling it back far too slowly until it clicks into place. “You don’t think I should use it, do you?”
“I mean, we don’t have a lot of fucking options of silent or relatively silent weapons. I honestly think this thing would be good for Aguni. He’s fucking strong enough to reload this thing quickly.”
“He’s been lying on that bed for the past three days. I don’t think he’s going to help us.”
“He’ll pull through,” Niragi says, remembering their conversation yesterday. The man isn’t going to just let anyone else get hurt. He thinks of the weapons table inside with thought, “We need enough people who don’t need to constantly reload. If we want to keep them safe we should be in front.”
“Yeah, but that leaves Chishiya covering long distance–“
“He’s getting better,” Niragi defends the blonde, because Chishiya has been working hard, and when he glances across the sand, he sees the man diligently shooting targets, “And we have Ann with the other crossbow.”
“And Kuina, with whatever the hell she’s doing. I never knew she was so well versed in martial arts weaponry.”
Niragi is honestly super fucking impressed with Kuina, as he turns to watch her do some insane shit with this rope dart, as she calls it, as she spins around and strikes the air with the large sharp arrow tip attached to the end the long red rope. Apparently, according to her, she can cut a rotting zombie head clean off with a simple swing. And if that doesn’t work, she’ll have her katana sheathed on her back. She’s probably the most impressive person in their group right now.
“You trust Usagi is safe with a machete?”
Arisu frowns, and seems conflicted, “She’s shown that her aim is the weakest between all of us…and a knife is too small, but a sword is too big…I’ll just have to keep an eye on her.”
“We all will–“
“Yeah, but we all have people to protect first…except…” Arisu doesn’t want to say it. Niragi doesn’t think anyone wants to say it out loud. He shakes his head, looking at Niragi, “What are you using?”
“I think it’d be good for us to have something long range, but I’m hoping to be front line,” Niragi says, and thinks the in front of Chishiya is pretty fucking obvious. “I gotta say I’m looking medieval.”
“Medieval?”
Niragi points by the entrance of the tent where there’s a few weapons leaning against the canvas. Arisu raises an eyebrow in thought.
“A spiked bat, a machete and a scythe…and a weird fucking double ended scythe? That’s…unconventional.”
Niragi shrugs, “I was thinking Aguni would appreciate the bat.” He’s not going to tell the other man that touching one makes him feel sick. He eyes the weapons in consideration, “I just have to see which weapon feels more comfortable.”
“I’m sure Kuina can help you use one.”
“Yeah, that’s actually a good idea,” Niragi pats the man on the back, and while he did it just to annoy the other, thinks it says something that Arisu is letting him without them turning it into a brawl. “You can figure out this crossbow, but I recommend having a backup weapon.”
Niragi walks away and grabs the scythes before making his way to Kuina, careful not to get sliced in half as she swings around before slinging the rope dart in one direction. “I have to say that’s actually pretty hot.”
“Don’t let Chishiya hear you say that,” Kuina pulls the sharp end back and lets it fall onto the sand. She looks at the weapons in Niragi’s hands with interest, “You want to use those?”
“It’s a thought. I’ll have a crossbow when we need long distance shooting– And he’s my family not my boyfriend.”
Kuina looks incredibly confused, “How the hell did you even get there? That’s like saying Ann is my sister.”
“Do you want to help me or do you want to argue?” Niragi says, trying not to get pissed off, and she puts her hands up in defense.
“I recommend the double ended one. You can take out more of them without having to swing and rotate as quickly, especially if something comes at you from behind,” Kuina says, so Niragi drops the other one into the sand, “That’s if you're strong enough to wield it. It’s heavy and it will take a lot more endurance than what you’re used to.”
If Niragi is being truthful, he sort of thought it just looked cool as fuck, but he’s not going to use it if it makes him less capable when fighting. But he still wants a weapon that keeps the zombies farther away from him than how close he’d have to get with a knife. “I’d like to try.”
Kuina nods, motioning him to hand her the scythe and when he does she holds it horizontally in both hands, “The most important thing is grip. Honestly if we were fighting other people capable of thought that don’t just run as us stupidly, I’d tell you this would be a totally impractical weapon, but it might just work here.” She holds each side of the handle in opposite directions, “I’d say keep your dominant hand facing down and your other facing up. It’s too heavy to spin like a sword, even for someone like Aguni, and especially with the handle not being straight, so you need to be the one that turns in each direction you want to swing.”
”Keep the blade on your dominant side facing outward.” Kuina’s feet spread, right hand holding one side of the handle palm down, and her left hand holding the other side palm up. She takes a step forward with her right foot, turning right from waist up, and swinging the left blade across her right side and almost completely horizontal. “You’ll want to keep enough distance from us. This thing is probably almost as tall as Usagi and you could easily hit one of us. Always be aware of your surroundings, and not just for the zombies. You need to be aware of your own body now too.”
He watches the space she covers with another swing, left foot going forward and blades swiping to the left this time. Kuina exhales and swings, taking a side step to the right and left foot following as it slides in the sand in a half circle, body completely turning 180°. She looks at him, “Always keep your core engaged and focus more on the muscles in your biceps than forearms. I recommend daily pushups and crunches, but you won’t want to over exert yourself.”
Niragi thinks this is a lot of work for just a weapon, but honestly he’s only ever shot a gun and used a knife. He has just as much to learn as everyone else. “What if I want to hit something above or below me?”
Kuina faces him again with another spin, front end of the scythe shooting upwards to her eye level, and he notices how her knees are only slightly bent, and how the placement of her feet is wider than before. “Do you notice the way I moved? It’s the same for down. But honestly always turn your body at least a bit when you strike. You’ll have more momentum and power. You have to make sure you have the endurance for this, or pick another weapon.”
Niragi isn’t going to let his ego make a decision that could get him and them killed. But he’s going to fucking try his hardest. He has to be as strong as he can to keep Chishiya safe.
“Now watch what I do and I’m going to have you copy it,” Kuina swings right, turns and swings right, turns and swing right, until she faces him once again. Then she repeats the action, but rotating left. “Practice moving smoothly, and once you feel comfortable start striking up and down. Eventually you’ll want to keep the hits where zombies’ heads would be.”
She hands him the scythe and he finds a comfortable grip, and then begins.
Niragi first focuses on keeping his core engaged as his body turns, and finds a distance between his feet that lets him step and feel steady in whichever direction he goes. He moves in a few circles, alternating between going right and left. Kuina watches him, critiquing his movements.
“Good job,” Kuina says, “But try not to glide your foot so much. You’re not as steady as you should be. Don’t overthink it.”
Niragi was just trying to copy her, but maybe he needs to listen to his own body. So he takes a step to the right, and instead of moving his left foot so far out from him, moves it in a straighter line than a wide half circle like Kuina. She has far better balance than him.
“That looks better. But I want you to keep your wrists straight with your swings. It shouldn’t be too loose, because if you hit something with resistance you could injure them.”
He tries to keep his wrists from letting the weight of the scythe affect them. It’s a heavy weapon, but not any heavier than the weights he uses from bicep curls…but he hasn’t really worked out since before the meteorite. He’s not having any trouble now, but can see how the weight would affect him after a while.
“You’re better than I thought you’d be, quicker than someone who’s never done this would be. But can you keep it up?” Kuina asks, and suddenly her voice is raised, “Up!” she instructs him, and Niragi’s right hand goes down as his left goes up, pretending he’s slicing through a zombie’s head. “Good, do what feels natural! Now down!”
Niragi twists, using the momentum of the weight to spin, right blade slicing like he’d be cutting off one of those fucking bastard’s legs.
“Up!”
Niragi’s left foot steps back, and his left arm goes down as his right goes up, cutting across his left side.
“There’s one to your right!”
Niragi strikes horizontally to his right side, and imagines slicing a zombie in half, but that still wouldn’t kill it, and Kuina seems to agree.
“Now what do you do?”
Niragi turns right in the sand, feet planted and adjusts his hand placement closer together to drive the right blade down in the ground vertically.
“One behind you! Fix your grip!”
Niragi decides to step forward to give him some time before the metaphorical zombie can get closer, sliding his hands further apart along the curved metal handle. It would take too long to focus on fully turning around before striking, so he moves the right blade behind him first and follows the momentum of the swing. He imagines the zombie in two pieces and just when he’s about to drive the blade into the ground a small arrow buries itself in the sand in front of him, just where the rotten head would be.
“He’s going to overexert himself, Kuina. He has us to help him,” Chishiya says angrily, crossbow in hand. Niragi drops the scythe on the ground, hands on his knees and breathes heavily, the rush of the fight leaving him.
“He has to have endurance, Chi,” Kuina doesn’t seem affected by the man’s anger and it’s something Niragi has always found impressive. He’s always been intensely affected by Chishiya, now just in a different way than before.
“I’m f-fine, princess,” Niragi pants out, already getting tired from using his muscles in a way he’s never done. He has to do better. He has to be better for Chishiya.
“You’re not going to be able to carry that thing if you tear a muscle. Give him a break, Kuina.”
“I guess you can do some push ups–“
“Kuina,” Chishiya snaps at her and she just sighs in exasperation, even if there’s a small smile on her face.
“Fine, but you actually have given me an idea. I’m gonna go talk to Ri,” Kuina walks away and Niragi plops himself in the sand, trying to catch his breath.
There’s a hand on his shoulder and Chishiya’s worried voice as the man blocks his eyes from the sun. Niragi’s headaches have never really gone away here.
“Come inside and drink some water.”
Niragi shakes his head, “No, Kuina is right. I should keep–“
“Suguru,” Chishiya’s voice is sharp and almost demanding. Niragi looks up at him to find a quite frightening glare. “You are drinking water and you are resting or I’m not letting you touch me.”
“That’s-that’s not fair,” Niragi says, because it’s a fucking terrible threat and not something he wants Chishiya to act on. “You’re horrible. Fine.”
So he gets up unhappily, even if he should keep practicing, and lets his fingers intertwine with Chishiya’s, as the man pulls him into the tent.
He does admit that the air conditioning feels incredible, and even if this strange access to technology doesn’t make sense, he really doesn’t want to question it and the game maker’s designs. It’s probably just going to hurt his brain and give him a panic attack because it’s clearly manipulative. It’s the type of shit he would do just to fuck with them, give something so precious yet take everything away at the same time. Chishiya would probably fucking laugh.
“I’ll get you some water,” Chishiya says, hands disconnecting as the other man walks away towards the water cooler.
Niragi sits down on the bed and sighs. He feels gross and sweaty and his clothes cling to his skin uncomfortably, but he’s sort of stuck in his shirt.
“You can take it off,” Chishiya sits down beside him and gives him a cup, “No one will judge you.”
Niragi drinks the water far too quickly and immediately wants more, but the cold, wet towel Chishiya presses to his forehead is soothing. He swallows nervously, “I’d rather not have everyone look at me like I’m weak.”
“No one thinks that, or would,” Chishiya’s voice is soft, carefully pressing the towel down his cheek to wipe across his neck. Niragi lets out a relaxed breath, but immediately tenses when Chishiya’s other hand pushes his shirt up just slightly. “You don’t have to…but shouldn’t I be the only opinion you care about?”
Niragi does suppose that the man has a point, because in the end it only matters what Chishiya thinks of him. He doesn’t like this feeling of fear, not when Chishiya is beside him. He knows he never has to be afraid when they’re together.
“I’d rather you not overheat,” Chishiya says, and Niragi nods in agreement.
The man’s hands leave his body as he takes the step to take off his sweat soaked long sleeve. His face feels hot and his heart thumps so hard in his chest that it’s the only sound he can hear. He sits there feeling like he needs to run, but there’s nowhere to go and–
“Suguru. Focus on me,” Chishiya’s hand rests on his stomach, the man’s touch grounding, and feline eyes holding his gaze steadily. “Breathe. Slow.”
Niragi inhales, and tries to keep himself from breathing too quickly and risk triggering his flight response, because he once again tells himself that there’s nowhere to run, and he’d really rather not try to fight.
Chishiya presses the towel to his chest, gently cleaning him of sweat and sand with one hand, while the fingers on his stomach gently run over the scars and calm him just with the man’s caring touch.
“You’re doing so well,” Chishiya says, and it sort of makes Niragi want to cry.
“What is this, a therapy session?” He tries to joke, but his voice is quiet and he sounds just as delicate as he feels.
“I just think you deserve to see yourself the way I do.”
“And how is that?” Niragi asks, stomach feeling uneasy again like it has been around the man.
“Imperfectly perfect,” Chishiya’s words make Niragi laugh softly because what does that even fucking mean?
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“I never thought there was anything wrong with you there,” Chishiya runs the towel across his left shoulder and down his arm. “I hated you almost as much as I hated myself, but I liked you too and I was jealous. You were always so incredibly vibrant…but you’ve never been able to reach your potential buried beneath all that trauma and self-hate.”
Niragi doesn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t think the other liked him at all. He sort of liked the man too, and all the things Chishiya was that he wasn't. He always wished he could care less…but he likes the way it feels to care now. “There’s nothing about me–“
“There’s everything about you,” Chishiya cuts him off, focusing on his right arm, cold cloth cooling down his heated skin. “There’s not a single part of you that isn’t perfect.”
“I thought I was imperfect?”
Chishiya rolls his eyes, “Perfectly imperfect. People just don’t understand you like I do. And I’m not afraid to admit that you’ve never done anything wrong.”
“I don’t really think you’re a good judge of character…” Niragi doesn’t mean to insult the man, but Chishiya still smiles at the harsh truth.
“We’ve always seen the world for what it was. We don’t try to change it like other people. You’ve always been meant to live in it.”
“I think you’re being hypocritical. I know that you hate yourself too– that you think you’re some inhuman thing that can’t exist in the real world, but you’re, but I…I…”
“But you what?” Chishiya asks, towel running across his chest and moving down to his stomach, rougher against his scars than the man’s delicate touch.
“You’re like heaven,” Niragi whispers, and Chishiya’s hand stills. The man stares at him contemplatively, blinking at him slowly, and Niragi places his hand over the one on his stomach, “When you jumped in after me…it was like salvation, like, like for the first time in my life my torment was over.”
“Suguru…”
“Kuina said we’re all going home because we want to, not just for each other, but for ourselves, but there isn’t a home if it’s not with you. I exist because of you.”
“That’s unhealthy,” Chishiya says, he bites his lip and Niragi’s eyes flicker towards the plump, pink skin. “But you already know that if you don’t survive, then I won’t either.”
Niragi’s fingers weave into blonde hair when Chishiya comes closer, and their foreheads press together, breath mingling with the scent of the strawberry jam and crackers they ate this morning.
“We see the grand design of life, and know how we fit it in it, Suguru, but only if you intertwine your soul with mine and understand that we’re nothing if we’re not each other’s,” Chishiya nose touches his and Niragi’s eyes close.
Niragi nods, but it’s difficult with how their faces are so close, noses brushing. He wants something, but he’s not sure what it is.
“Do you understand?” Chishiya breath tingles against his lips, and Niragi’s stomach feels like it’s doing flips. He’s wondering if he’s going to pass out or get sick or– “Tell me, please.”
“I understa–“
“It’s fucking as hot as when I had balls!” Kuina barges into the tent and the two of them separate so quickly Niragi feels dizzy.
“That’s gross, Hikari,” Ann laughs, bumping her shoulder against the other woman’s, “Though I have to say I like you better like this.”
Niragi honestly might’ve almost had a heart attack because Kuina just scared the fuck out of him. He catches movement from the corner of his eyes and finally notices Aguni sitting up in bed sharpening a knife. Niragi wonders when the fuck the other man woke and how much was heard between a moment that should’ve been private…but must admit that nothing is really private when sharing a tent between seven people.
“I’m exhausted!” Usagi walks in her sports bra, and collapses onto her bed, while Kuina and Ann tease each other as Arisu carries a few weapons in. Niragi should probably help him bring everything in, but when he gets up the room falls silent.
He stands there uncomfortably, but reminds himself that Chishiya’s opinion of him is the only one that matters. So he faces everyone with his head held high, even if he wants to crawl into a hole and die like some sick animal, as their eyes focus on his stomach. He fights the urge to fidget, “Fucking say what you want to say.”
“What would you even want us to say?” Arisu looks seriously disturbed and it might be the first time between them that the man actually feels bad for him.
“He wants us to make fun of him,” Ann says, and he huffs in irritation because he doesn’t want them to, he’s just expecting them to.
But he doesn’t expect to be almost tackled to the floor as he’s pulled into a hug by Kuina, and he almost loses his footing, and isn’t sure what the hell he should do with his hands, so just pats her back awkwardly. Kuina laughs, releasing him from her tight grip, “You’re so awkward.”
Her teasing makes him less anxious, so he just shrugs at her. He guesses he doesn’t feel that different because no one is belittling, insulting and laughing at him like he always expected people would. It really doesn’t fucking matter unless it’s Chishiya.
we’re nothing if we’re not each other’s
“You know I was saving the cookies I grabbed for a special occasion, but we’re leaving tomorrow…”
“And we might die,” Arisu finishes for Usagi, and everyone glares at the man who is just looking at them like he’s right– which he is– but it’s totally not productive to overall morale. “I’m just going to finish grabbing everything.”
“I’ll help you,” Niragi follows Arisu outside and is starting to realize why they wear long sleeves, because he can immediately feel the blinding sun seeping into his pale skin. He’s already a bit pink even wearing clothes, but he’d seriously burn out here without the proper clothing they were provided with.
“You know things are starting to make sense with you,” Arisu says, picking up his scythe and handing it to him. Niragi wasn’t sure if it would be the best weapon, but he honestly thinks he’s able to handle it pretty well.
“How’s that?” Niragi asks, watching as Arisu starts collecting his arrows from a few embedded in cans and a few buried in the sand.
“Some people are just monsters…but some people become them. And I guess it’s pretty fucking impressive to become a hero when you’ve been a villain so long.”
“You’re calling me a hero?” Niragi asks incredulously, because he knows that not even Chishiya would call him that.
“Fuck no,” Arisu shakes his head, but when he stares at Niragi there’s obvious conflict. “I’ll never forgive you for what you did to Usagi…and everything else too. I think you deserve to burn for it…which I guess you did, and I still hope you’re drowning in guilt.”
Niragi doesn’t think it would be in his favor to admit to Arisu that coming here has eased some of his guilt. “So what’s your fucking point?”
Arisu pulls an arrow from a can with a metallic thunk, “That if my life had been like yours, then I’d probably be just as fucking horrible.”
It’s as much of a we can bury the hatchet that Niragi thinks he’ll ever get from Arisu. But he knows that if Usagi was never able to move on with him and build something new, then the man would’ve probably just tried to kill him already. He watches Arisu pick up the crossbow, “You figure that thing out?”
Arisu looks thankful for the change in topic, because out of everyone in the group, the two of them are least likely to metaphorically hold hands and talk about feelings. He nods, “Yeah, but you’re right. I need something else that doesn’t take any time to reload. I’m sure Chishiya needs something too.”
“He’ll have his knife, but I’ll have him covered. And it shouldn’t take him very long to reload if we make his ammo accessible,” Niragi knows that Chishiya has been practicing being time effective when reloading the pistol crossbow. They spent a lot of the morning finding the most effective spots to attach quivers. He’ll have one on his left thigh and wrist, and strapped across his chest. The arrow bolts are so small that it won’t hinder his movement, and anything not on his body will be in his backpack.
“And you’re going to use that thing?” Arisu eyes the scythe, and seems to have very little faith in Niragi’s ability to wield it.
“I’m thinking of carrying a dagger– something longer than our knives. What have you chosen?”
“I’ll use a machete like Usagi. I don’t know if anyone has had the chance to ask Aguni what he’s using, but…”
“He’ll be fine,” Niragi says, “He’d rather kill us himself than let something happen to us.”
“That doesn’t really make sense.”
“Well none of this shit does. Now let’s hurry up and take everything in before I fucking burn.”
It takes a total of three trips to bring in all the weapons. Niragi honestly probably already got a sunburn, so he lets Chishiya rub some aloe gel across his shoulders and back and thinks that the only reason no one is saying anything is because they’ve seen his scars. And he doesn’t know if he misses the teasing because he feels like they pity him or he’s happy they’re not saying anything because they know he might murder them.
He thinks he probably would have eaten his chocolate chip cookie like a ravenous creature, because it’s insane the things you can miss that were once so easily accessible, but the overjoyed look on Chishiya’s face at eating a simple cookie, made him give it over to the man under the guise that he doesn’t like chocolate.
They eat chicken soup again and green beans and peaches. He tries not to think of it like a last meal, because it won’t be their last and they will make it.
Over dinner, Kuina shares her plan, so it’s decided between the group that they’ll pair up and focus on keeping an eye on their partner’s back. It’s too easy to lose focus when they’re too busy trying to keep everyone safe, so Kuina and Ann will pair up, then Chishiya and Niragi, and finally a trio between Arisu, Aguni and Usagi. It doesn’t mean that they won’t still fight as a unit, but Kuina’s idea to team them up was actually pretty fucking smart.
And it’s easier to fall asleep than it probably would be if they weren’t so exhausted, but Niragi finds himself laying outside in the sand with Chishiya beside him after the man’s I want to watch the stars if we can’t again. And seriously how the fuck can Niragi not say yes.
“Suguru.”
“Yeah,” Niragi looks over at the man, but Chishiya is staring up at the stars, fingers twitching in his larger hand, “What’s up?”
“I don’t want to die a virgin.”
Niragi thinks that if he were drinking something he might choke and fucking drown on dry land. His face feels immediately hot and he immediately turns his head away when it’s clear Chishiya’s is turning to catch his eyes in a stare that might just make Niragi combust. He swallows nervously, knowing that Chishiya is watching him in the moonlight.
“I’m most likely the only person here who’s never done anything before.”
“It’s really not that exciting, princess. I’ve always hated sex.”
“I’d still like to try it.”
“I don’t think any of the girls would sleep with you,” Niragi says uncomfortably, because the thought of Chishiya being intimate with someone is strange.
“I might be gay.”
“How do you know?” Niragi’s face might be bright red when he feels Chishiya wiggle in the sand and come closer. “You know it’s fine if you are.”
“But not if you are?”
“I don’t– I’m not. So worry about yourself,” Niragi snaps, then immediately feels guilty. “I’m sorry I–I didn't mean that. You can talk to me about anything, okay?”
“I know,” Chishiya presses up against him, so Niragi maneuvers his arm beneath the man to let the other’s head rest on his chest. Chishiya sighs, “Maybe after this ends it’ll be easier.”
Niragi thinks that it would be kind to tell the man that he might meet someone in the real world to love him and take care of him, but Niragi isn’t kind, so doesn’t say anything.
“I’ve never kissed anyone either, and what if I die tomorrow–”
“Don’t fucking say that, ever,” Niragi says angrily, pressing his face into blonde hair and hugging the man to him tightly, “You’ve been on my fucking ass about making sure I don’t die, so you can’t die.”
“Do you think Aguni will kiss me now that Heiya is dead?”
Niragi’s jaw clenches, and his teeth grind, some sort of raw anger settling in his gut that he hasn’t felt in what feels like a long fucking time. He doesn’t understand why he’s so pissed off all of sudden. “Honestly it’s fucking gross, alright? Every girl I’ve ever kissed has been gross. You don’t need to kiss anyone.”
“What if I never get to experience the things that normal people do because I’m not normal?”
“Chishiya–”
Chishiya is suddenly on top of him, glaring down at him, but Niragi doesn’t think the heat has anything to do with him and more the man’s frustration. Chishiya’s hands are on either side of his head, curling in the gritty sand and the sound grating in his ears. “I’ve never been drunk. I’ve never been to a party. I’ve never had a girlfriend or boyfriend or had casual sex. I’ve never had friends or a pet. I’ve never been to the movies or a theme park or anything that normal people enjoy because I don’t enjoy things. But now I finally do and I want things. I want to be a normal fucking person, Suguru.”
Then the most bizarre thing happens, as Niragi blinks in surprise when something wet drops onto his cheek…and then it happens again…and again…Niragi stares up in absolute fucking shock, not knowing how to handle such an insanely impossible situation, because Chishiya Shuntaro is crying.
“W-why was I finally given everything when it might get taken away?” Chishiya’s voice breaks, and Niragi sits up, keeping the man in his lap and wrapping the other up in his arms. Chishiya whimpers, “It’s not fair.”
“Life’s not fucking fair, princess,” Niragi lets Chishiya cling to him, face in the crook of his neck and wetting his skin with tears. He runs a soothing hand down the man’s back, body shaking, but still surprisingly silent except from the occasional sniffle. “You think I’ve lived? I might have done lots of bullshit, but I didn’t live, Shuntaro. Since the day I was born I’ve been dying, and now I’m not. I’m terrified of going further.” Niragi isn’t quite sure what makes him say his next words, but he tries not to think about it, “I’ll kiss you.”
Chishiya makes this unattractive snort, most likely to keep any snot from coming out of his nose, but when he pulls back and looks at Niragi with glassy eyes and shining lashes, glittering tear streaks down his cheeks and the tip of his nose pink, for the first time Niragi thinks he’s beautiful. Chishiya has never been so human and it’s something Niragi wants to keep locked up away from prying eyes– a secret only shared between them.
“What?”
“Look if you don’t fucking want me–”
“Shut up,” Chishiya says quickly, “I do…how do I…”
It’s really not that fucking difficult, but Niragi doesn’t want to make the man feel stupid, so he weaves his fingers into blonde hair with one hand and cups the curve of the Chishiya’s jaw with the other. His heartbeat might be erratic, and it sort of feels like he could possibly have a heart attack. But Niragi thinks he can get through this completely immoral action because it’s Chishiya and he really can’t deny the man anything.
It’s…difficult to describe the way it feels when their lips touch. Their mouths slot together, but there’s no introduction of tongue and they hardly open their mouths. But it’s perhaps the most pleasing kiss Niragi has ever had, and it must purely be because he actually cares about Chishiya.
The scars on his stomach tingle uncomfortably and he’s actually kind of afraid, because he really shouldn’t be doing this. But then, as if just knowing, the man’s hand presses to his stomach, warm even through his shirt and it’s grounding. There’s no one else touching him except Chishiya– not his father, not his bullies, not clingy women who make him do things he doesn’t like– just Shuntaro.
Niragi pulls away gently, and it’s a bit cute the way Chishiya chases after him, but he just keeps the man still with a hand in soft blonde hair. It might’ve not been horrible, but they still shouldn’t be doing this again.
“Was it gross?” Chishiya asks, and the nervousness on his face is another new emotion for Niragi to experience.
“No,” Niragi says carefully, because he just doesn’t want Chishiya to think poorly of him for liking it. “We should go inside.”
The man actually looks a bit disappointed, but he’s learned that Chishiya enjoys looking at the stars even if the constellations aren’t their own.
“When we’re back I’ll take you somewhere we can watch the stars. Somewhere dark enough we can see every single light,” Niragi’s thumb brushes his cheekbone, and enjoys how he leans into the touch.
Chishiya must be tired enough not to want to argue about their departure, because he just nods, letting Niragi help him up for them to go back into the tent.
“Thank you,” Chishiya whispers after they’ve wrapped themselves up beneath the covers.
“You should know by now that I’ll do anything for you,” Niragi says, yawning deeply and melting into the mattress, and enjoying the warmth of Chishiya’s body as the man curls up against him. His body is actually fucking exhausted from his lesson with Kuina, so it’s pretty easy to fall asleep.
And the ghost of Chishiya’s kiss lingers on his lips follows him into his dreams.
Amazing artwork by @mallow_fallow 💗
L
Notes:
Think I’m going to start doing graphics with chapters. What do you think?
Chapter 21
Notes:
TW: SELF HARM, mentions of SA
Chapter Text
Chapter 21
Niragi knows what he is:
a freak, a loser, pathetic and weak, a disgrace, a failure, abnormal and faulty, and honestly after so many years he’s just fucking accepted that he’s deserving of all his torment because it’s only justified when he’s just so…him.
and perhaps, the worst thing about him, even more than being some pathetic, weak, freakish loser; some abnormal, faulty, disgraceful fucking failure of a human being… is liking other boys– or at least that’s what they say.
fucking faggot.
Niragi sits on the bathroom floor with tears dripping down his face, left side of his vision blurry and red from his still healing eye. He’s not quite sure how he even made it to the hospital, or why no one bothered to help him when they saw him stumbling down the streets with his eye bulging out and blood dripping down his face. But Niragi supposes that someone like him doesn’t deserve kindness.
He thinks his parents had only come to the hospital because he’s a minor, and he has a hard time believing that they actually care that he could’ve died that night. He blinks through the headache and the ache in his eye, orbital bone fractured and needing to have corrective surgery. He wonders if he’ll ever gain his full sight back.
Sometimes bullying is just a part of life, the doctor had said. And the police hadn’t even been called, but Niragi would be too scared of the repercussions anyways.
It’s his fault, isn’t it? For having a crush on that boy, for not being able to stop staring– no. It never meant anything, because he never liked the other boy to begin with. He’s not fucking gay.
“i–i’m n-not,” Niragi says weakly, tongue feeling swollen from the pin he’d been forced to pierce it with, right before his skull cracked beneath a metal bat.
Niragi’s hands shake, as he presses down.
The first puncture into his right thigh with the small knife he stole from his mother’s craft box fills him with…something.
He cuts across the width of his thigh slowly, and watches the blood pool up with a harsh sting, as his fingers brush over the blood dripping down onto the tile floor. He thinks he likes being the one in control of his own pain. And he starts to think that he’s the only one that should be allowed to hurt himself ever agai—
Niragi wakes with a gasp– quick, shallow breaths and heart beating erratically in his chest like the pitter patter of pouring rain. He blinks in the darkness, and thinks they’ve turned the lantern down far too low tonight, skin itching with an urge he hasn’t felt since that night Chishiya saved him.
He thinks the only thing keeping him from falling deeper into despair and overrun with anxiety is Chishiya half on top of him. He can still feel the burn of the very first blade and the slippery wetness of blood on the tile staining his fingers, as he stares up at the barely illuminated ceiling.
Everything had changed that day.
Niragi had run away from home the minute he stopped the bleeding, stealing all the cash from his parents’ wallets in the middle of the night. He was taking control of his own fate, so he left Osaka and moved to Tokyo, living on the streets of Shibuya with a simple backpack filled with only two changes of clothes.
He’s not necessarily proud of what he did to survive, but there was potential in him…just not really the kind he’d want for himself.
Older women thought he was pretty and pure, and Niragi needed money, so he did what they asked of him. He had to admit the first time someone thought he was a prostitute he didn’t quite know what to do. But the offer of a bed to sleep on, at least for a few hours, had been tempting enough for him to lose his virginity in a dingy love hotel with a woman twice his age. It had been horrible, but after he took himself to buy steaming curry at the nicest restaurant he could find. It just became routine after that.
But as much as he hated it, he understood it was the only way to survive for a teenager living on the streets. The love hotels were the only place he could take a shower too and sleep properly instead of in the grass in Yoyogi Park where police would hassle him for loitering.
Niragi went to night school to get his high school degree, and managed to go to university and get a shitty apartment with the money he had slowly been saving. As he aged, his features sharpened and he noticed a rise in the variety of clientele; younger women started liking him too. He grew his hair long and got more piercings– piercing his tongue first to remind himself that he chose it; no one else could make him.
He started knowing how to turn women on with brash and masculine bravado, embodying the type of personality someone like him should have, someone who doesn't think about kissing boys.
And when he finally got a job in the tech industry, he didn’t have to have sex for money anymore. But he still often hooked up with women to remind himself that that’s what men do. The words on his stomach and memory of them trying to make him do things was never forgotten.
He still liked to remind himself to be strong beneath the knife too. He never let anyone hurt him again. Niragi took control of his own pain and suffering and flourished in the power he had given himself.
And so he lived in a vicious cycle, and self destructive behaviors quickly became the only way he had any control over his life. The only way to prove that he was strong– that he was a real man. He no longer would wait for things to be given to him, because they never would be in a world like this. Niragi just decided to take.
And then it happened.
He had been frightened, so fucking scared that first night he ended up in that place. Trapped in a room in a simple 3 of Hearts– whatever the fuck that meant, he had thought– and told to simply survive in the thirty minutes within a windowless box and trapped with five other people.
There had been weapons on the table, and it had quickly turned to bloodshed.
Niragi had soon realized after that no one had to die; they could’ve just sat there and waited the game out. But he remembers the knife in his hand sinking into the stomach of another man. He remembers the rush, the power, the excitement.
Niragi had decided that night that he would never be the same man he was before. He would become everything he never was and never live in fear again.
Meeting Chishiya Shuntaro had blossomed an almost immediate hostility between them. He’s not quite sure what made him instantly hate the other man, but those sparkling catlike eyes and soft looking blonde hair, those sharp collarbones and delicate nose, slim fingers holding an impressive 8 of Diamonds. Chishiya just looked like someone he should hate, just was something indescribable that made him feel hatred.
Chishiya watched him like all his secrets were so easy to see, and Niragi hated him.
Niragi certainly doesn’t feel that way now, staring up at the pointed tip of the canvas covered tent. He feels Chishiya’s breath on his neck as the man sleeps in his arms, but Niragi doesn’t think he can sleep anymore, with each blink his life flashes in snippets of suffering.
He still has so many things to tell Chishiya, so many things he has to. He wants to be unconditionally accepted by the man, and doesn’t think he can bear it if there’s anything the other doesn’t like about him.
Perfectly imperfect. Imperfectly perfect.
It’s never been anything that Niragi would ever think himself described as, but apparently Chishiya has always liked him. The man actually likes him and thinks he has potential. Somehow Niragi thinks that it’s a different kind of potential than those women saw in him.
Niragi wants to be who Chishiya thinks he can.
He remembers the feeling of slightly chapped lips against his, and how it hadn’t felt so horrible, like he needed to scrub his skin raw afterwards. Niragi knows it’s wrong to have enjoyed it, but when it comes to Chishiya, he likes everything. But he shouldn’t feel like he wants it to happen again even if he does.
Niragi runs his fingers through blonde hair, and enjoys Chishiya’s content sigh even in sleep. He doesn’t think it’s natural for him to touch another man so much either, and like it, but it’s hard to care when it comes to Chishiya. He finds that Chishiya is always the exception.
His life has been completely disrupted by such a small, fearsome thing, and now that Niragi starts to realize he’s finally gained his footing in life– in this fucked up place– he just realizes he’s been running from everyone and everything. And with Chishiya there’s really no reason to run anymore. He’s reached the finish line.
I don’t think either of you will survive without each other.
He knows it’s a promise shared between them like a sacred secret, but it’s like everyone already knows what’s been going on between them. It’s like everyone is seeing something he’s not… But it’s sort of starting to feel like it’s something he shouldn’t let himself see.
He’s not sure how long he lays there feeling like everything inside of him is all twisted up. It’s like he’s split down the middle– a version of pain and suffering and one of tenderness and healing. He wants to remove this poison that’s infected him since birth, an illness with no cure…only he thinks there might be one now. It’s more than just salvation, it’s a complete purification of his rotting soul.
Niragi Surguru never thought he was anything, before becoming something to Chishiya Shuntaro.
“You’re up already?” Chishiya mumbles sleepily, and Niragi’s fingers immediately still in his hair, feeling guilty for waking him, “don't stop.”
Niragi resumes the delicate way he plays with blonde strands, always willing to give Chishiya whatever the man desires.
“Wh’time is it?” Chishiya yawns, face buried in the crook of his neck, “should go back t’bed.”
Niragi looks at his watch and sees that the sun hasn’t even risen yet. The way his lips brush the top of Chishiya’s head just feels like instinct. Everything he’s ever done with the man– harsh and soft– is like running on autopilot. “Just go back to sleep.”
Chishiya’s fingers are warm against his skin, hands beneath his shirt just to touch him. The man might not mind his stomach, but what would stop him from feeling disgusted by the rest of his body hidden beneath his clothes, raised red lines from razor blades.
Niragi thinks that there’s still so much to learn about each other, and just hopes he has things to tell Chishiya that aren’t so pathetic, like all he is is a sob story. He wants to be a light to Chishiya like the man is to him– a shining beacon to guide him out of the storm.
“I’m not supposed to feel this way about you,” Niragi whispers, hardly audible, but only knowing he spoke them with the shift of his tongue and press of his lips.
Niragi’s chest is tight and it feels like there’s something caught in his throat. He’s on the edge of something and wonders how far down he’ll fall until he hits the bottom, and not knowing what he’ll find when he lands on the ground. He sort of wants to find out.
Niragi doesn’t fall back asleep, but after everyone wakes up and they prepare for the journey, he just tries to hide his exhaustion when everyone is counting on him to take care of them. He slips on his boots and thinks any tiredness will disappear when they step outside the tent, and the threat on Chishiya’s life feels real again.
“We should probably look for a grocery store,” Ann says, as they get ready to leave the safety of the first checkpoint. They’ve changed into the new, clean clothes provided and are packing their backpacks with whatever they can, and making sure their ammo is easily accessible. She holds a can of corn in her hands, “We’re out of fruit. But we have enough for another night or two, nothing more than that.”
Niragi sheathes his dagger into the holster on his right thigh, but he’s feeling confident enough with the scythe, and he still has his handgun strapped to his left thigh if he seriously needs something.
Niragi glances over at Chishiya who’s trying to attach the wrist quiver, but is clearly struggling with only one hand. He goes over to the man across the tent and clears his throat nervously, “Do you need help.”
He’s really trying not to make it weird between them after the kiss, because it’s just a simple kiss. It’s no more or less special than anything else he’s experienced with Chishiya. Still, every moment is cherished; everything he gives is sacred.
“It’s hard to do one handed,” Chishiya says, holding out his arm to Niragi, who starts attaching the quiver, arrows fitting into each slot.
The man’s hand gently rests over his just as he finishes tightening the straps, and Niragi swallows nervously at the look in Chishiya’s eyes. “Chi–“
“Are we okay?”
“Why wouldn’t we be…” Niragi says quietly, worried about the others overheating them even if they’re on the other side of the tent.
“I just, I know that it was hard for you–“
“It was fine,” Niragi's eyes flicker to pretty pink lips that he wa– he mentally berates himself for the sinful thoughts in his head, “I want to give you everything, everything you’ll ever want.” He doesn’t think he wants anyone else to give Chishiya anything. Chishiya is his. “Anything you ask me for I’d give to you.”
He’s slightly confused by the slight frown on Chishiya’s face, but the man just sighs, “Maybe you should think about yourself.”
“I don’t understand,” Niragi just wants to give. It’s not really important what he needs when Chishiya is what’s important. “You asked me, so I had to–“
“Well I’m not going to ask you again, so don’t worry. I’m sorry you had to,” Chishiya says angrily, and then just walks away from him, leaving Niragi completely confused.
Niragi watches the man go over and place the scarf over his head for protection from the sun, but his movements are harsh, like he’s pissed off, but Niragi supposes it just makes sense since they're leaving. Kuina goes over to him with a smile, but it looks like he snaps at her, a sneer on his face, and her eyes go wide at him.
Kuina’s attention turns towards Niragi, mouthing a what’s wrong from across the tent, but he has no fucking idea, so he just shrugs.
Niragi just focuses on getting ready, wrapping his head and tucking the scarf over his nose and mouth, slipping on his sunglasses.
Everyone sort of stands there when they’re ready to go, not really wanting to leave, but knowing that they have to.
“We need signals,” Aguni breaks the silence, “We can’t be making noise out there, so I’m going to teach you a few combat signals that I learned in the SDF.”
Aguni lifts his arm in a 90° angle, fist closed, “Freeze. Don’t fucking move and shut the fuck up.”
Niragi huffs, because someone’s in a good mood, he thinks, but still pays attention to Aguni’s lesson.
The man opens his fist, waving forwards, “Move out and go forward.” Aguni turns his wrist, palm facing behind him, and motions backwards, “Go back.” He points left and right and in front of him with his index finger, “Go left. Go right. Go straight.”
Niragi thinks it’s simple enough, because it’s quite direct.
“Thumbs down for no; thumbs up for yes,” Aguni says, but doesn’t demonstrate because it’s quite obvious. He creates a small circle with his fingers and thumb, lifting his hand up in front of his right eye, “Look out. Any questions?”
“There have to be more signals than that?” Ann asks, but Aguni just shakes his head.
“It’s good to keep it simple. I don’t want you to struggle to remember everything,” Aguni’s gaze travels along all of them. “We should go over formation. I’d like to stay in front.”
“So then Usagi and I will be right behind you,” Arisu says, remembering the trio they decided to form.
“Ann and I can be in the middle. Niragi needs space with his weapon, so he shouldn’t be trapped between all of us,” Kuina isn’t really suggesting, she’s more telling him, but if Niragi’s being honest, five people in front of them means five people in front of Chishiya and the zombies. He just has to watch the man’s back too.
“It doesn’t look like the checkpoint is very far this time,” Ann stares down at the watch and goes through the map, “There’s much less distance than last time.”
“That doesn’t mean the obstacle will be easier,” Usagi looks at the machete in her hands, and Niragi will have to keep an eye on her too.
“Well we can’t stay here,” Niragi might want to, but every once in a while he wonders if they’ll be able to wake up this time, if they’ve been here too long already.
“Then let’s go,” Aguni cracks his knuckles, and picks up the spiked bat from the floor. He turns towards the door and waves his hand forward, “Move out.”
Niragi is honestly stressed the fuck out, and not just because they’re on the road again, having made it back into the city and slowly making their way through the seemingly empty streets. He’s just trying not to lose focus on the now, as he just tries to wrap his head around what made Chishiya so angry.
Niragi knows that he's pretty fucking dumb when it comes to emotional bullshit. He knows Chishiya is angry, but for the life of him can’t figure out why…unless Chishiya regrets kissing him…
Unless Chishiya was the one who found it gross– found Niragi gross. The man might’ve thanked him, but maybe realized this morning that he’s disgusting for saying yes to a simple kiss.
He stole Chishiya’s first kiss and the man regrets it.
Niragi remembers that night with the handsy housewife, and how he begged to keep his clothes on to hide his mutilated body. It was the only moment she listened to him. And he can still taste the vodka on her tongue and her sharp manicured nails digging into his cheeks, pulling on his hair. It took everything inside of him to not cry…and what if Chishiya’s lingering tears after their kiss were fresh new droplets, and what if the man was only filled with disgust.
He’s starting to wonder if he took advantage of Chishiya. It’s almost enough to make him get sick.
Niragi glances over at the man who’s diligently holding his pistol crossbow. He’s keeping an eye on his surroundings and in a calm, but defensive position. It’s incredibly admirable when Niragi’s first instinct has always been losing any semblance of cool and immediately running like a frightened child.
He thinks that even with a big gun in his hands he never stopped.
“Are you sure that’s a practical weapon?” Chishiya asks him quietly, stepping closer so Niragi can hear.
“I’m fine,” Niragi says simply, because they really shouldn’t be talking, and he sort of just feels horrible right now. He’s amazed by Chishiya’s capacity to care for him.
Chishiya doesn’t say anything back, but that almost says more than responding. He just carries his scythe and focuses on the weight of the weapon in his hands. It’s better to keep grounded.
“It’s a zoo?” Kuina mutters, and Niragi looks ahead to see large metal gates and statues of animals all around the entrance.
“The lack of zombies is concerning, but it seems we’ll find whatever is waiting for us inside,” Chishiya says boredly.
“Well the key is inside according to the map,” Arisu sighs, “I’m really sick of animals in these places.”
Niragi vividly remembers the Six of Spades. It was probably the most fun he had in a game, but now he’s not only fighting for himself, and he doesn’t really think he kills for fun anymore. “Zombie animals…this feels like an insult,” Niragi whispers to himself. It’s like the animals he enjoyed killing have come back to life just to put everyone he cares about in danger.
“You don’t know if that’s what’s in there,” Ann somehow hears, “But I’d advise not one of us get bitten.”
“We stay together this time,” Aguni instructs, no doubt remembering what happened in the bank when they split up, “And no fucking fancy puzzles.” Aguni waves his hand forward and they all follow.
“Well I don’t think there’s a time limit,” Arisu stares down at his watch as they go through the metal revolving door, “There’s no countdown.”
“So we can take our time and make sure we don’t make any mistakes,” Usagi adds, but Niragi knows that even if there’s no time limit, they’re still not safe in here. He still thinks they should hurry.
“But the map doesn’t tell us where it is, only that it’s in this park,” Kuina huffs in irritation, “I don’t think we should waste our time searching everywhere. There has to be clues.”
“The last clues we looked for got Heiya killed,” Aguni says angrily, but it’s weaker than someone as furious as he should sound.
“We don’t know what we’ll attract here,” Ann mediates, “We can’t just go around without a plan.”
Niragi eyes the bloody wall of the entrance and frowns. There’s no telling what’s in here with them.
“Has anyone just thought of looking at the directory?” Chishiya suggests, and while it sounds pretty stupid when they’re not here to visit the zoo and have a good time, it’s not a bad place to start.
And so everyone walks over and shuffles around the directory next to a few vending machines. The white machines are full of drinks and snacks, but no one has any money and the sign flashing above the coin slot isn’t in any currency Niragi knows. It’s just another question of where the fuck are they.
“This is too easy,” Arisu says, fingers running over the giant gold triangle over the arctic mammals area of the zoo. Niragi looks down at the yellow triangle on the watch’s map and swallows nervously.
“What’s waiting for us?” Kuina is more just worrying than actually asking a question when none of them have the answer.
“Nothing good,” Niragi doesn’t think it’s particularly helpful, but he hates the unknown. It’s like the fear of each card game, never knowing if it was something he could beat– his head whips around when he hears beeping; everyone turns in the direction of the sound.
He carries his scythe carefully as he walks toward the ticket booth by the gate. The door is open and there’s no one inside, but there’s a grid of video feed of the park on the computer. The words Emergency Alert flash on the screen, and Niragi can see opened cages and animals roaming the walkways, only they don’t quite look right, and move like they’re in rotting bodies. Fucking zombie animals.
“That doesn’t look good,” Arisu says over his shoulder, and Niragi doesn’t have it in him to make a bitchy comment.
“So I guess we know what we’re dealing with,” Chishiya is beside him, but they’re not touching, and that kind of feels horrible.
“Do we still need to get them in the head?” Usagi asks, and while Niragi doesn’t know for certain, he doubts animals are different from humans when it comes to animated corpses.
“I guess we’ll find out,” Ann’s answer isn’t satisfying, because no one really wants to fight. But they’re in this fucking world and they have to survive. That means fighting for it.
“Keep the same formation,” Aguni just has a way of taking control that has other people wanting to follow. “We’ll go to the key and stop anything in our way.”
Niragi thinks that they can’t really say no, so they just take their positions again and then Aguni is leading them into the zoo.
There’s blood everywhere, and Niragi once again wonders if it belongs to the people here before them. He wants to know how many people died just trying to get home. Or if there’s even an option to stay this time like Chishiya wants to with him– wanted to with him.
“Yeah that’s not going to scar me for life,” Kuina stares into an enclosure of otters, but there’s only two of them– one with a missing eye and the other with its intestines out as they eat a severed arm with almost rabid enthusiasm. “There might be humans here.”
“Yeah but they might be zombies by now,” Arisu grumbles.
Aguni turns to them and points a threatening finger, “Shut up or I’ll make you.” He turns again and waves them forward.
Niragi notices the bloody paw prints all over the concrete, ranging in size, and some much more frightening than the others. He wonders what’s escaped and what hasn’t, and if it hasn’t, then will they need to go in?
He hears terrible groans, and he looks up in the trees surrounding the walkways as they pass through a tropic– monkeys, rotten disgusting things with bald patches of infected skin and bright red eyes. Niragi barely has time to push Chishiya out of the way when one jumps down at them.
Chishiya stumbles into a bench, but manages to get his footing and immediately aims at a monkey in the tree. Niragi wishes he could pay more attention to the other man but to his absolute horror the monkeys start peeling off chunks of their puss filled flesh and throwing it at them, screeching horribly like their vocal chords are torn.
One flings itself at him and he just manages to point the blade at it, and it’s decapitated in seconds, lying at his feet with black blood pooling on the concrete. This fucking thing is sharp, he thinks, before turning his weapon down to slice at another one that lands at his feet, driving the blade straight through the middle of the monkey’s body as it splits in half.
Kuina slings the rope dart up into the trees, triangular blade straight through one of its furry, mushy skulls, before pulling the rope free and aiming at another one.
Niragi pulls his knife out of its sheath when one of the fucking things grabs onto his leg and attempts to bit him. He kills it before it has the chance.
“Niragi cover me!” Chishiya shouts at him, and Niragi is immediately next to the man, shielding the other who is focused on reloading.
He pushes Chishiya behind him as a monkey flings itself from the tree, and he turns his blade just right to slice it in half, but the top half still moves and crawls towards him. Chishiya shoots it with an arrow without hesitation.
“We need to get out of here!” Ann tells over the screeching monkeys and she shoots one with her crossbow just as it jumps towards her face.
“Move out!” Aguni doesn’t even bother using hand signals, as they all start running, winding through the park and past blood stained ground and glass, zombie animals slamming themselves against the enclosures when they notice humans.
Niragi doesn’t know how close the monkeys are, but he quickly realizes he can’t hear them anymore. “Wait!”
Everyone freezes, turning to face him, weapons ready.
“I don’t think we’re being followed.”
“They were likely upset that we were in their territory. Perhaps they still have animal characteristics, like throwing things at us,” Chishiya says, giving more solid evidence to Niragi’s assumption.
“So they’re not completely mindless?” Kuina asks, but Chishiya just shakes his head.
“They’re clearly not thinking, just running on instinct. The humans do as well, but differently–”
“Maybe we shouldn’t stand here,” Usagi cuts Chishiya off with urgency, and Niragi hears a loud thump.
There’s a gorilla banging on the glass next to them, and Niragi notices the slight crack. He notices the rotted arm, and how the animal’s left arm is almost just bone, but that doesn’t make it any less weak. It would be much harder to kill.
“Yeah, I’m on board,” Arisu said, grabbing Usagi by the arm and pulling her away. Aguni barely has time to move to the front of the group again as they walk far more quickly than they have been.
Niragi glances at the sign above them, and it’s not in Japanese or English, but the graphic is enough for him to know that they’re in a sahara section of the zoo.
Aguni immediately stops, putting his hand up into a fist. Niragi stands there, feeling on edge and trying to figure out why they’ve stopped. The man puts a hand to his ear, almost as if he’s telling them to listen.
It takes a moment, but then Niragi hears it, a rumbling growl. Aguni waves forward, but they move so slow it’s like they’re not even moving.
Niragi is at the back of the group, and while he can protect Chishiya from behind, he hates not knowing what Aguni sees around the corner, as the man leans around slightly, before quickly hiding again.
Aguni turns to Arisu, and whispers something in his ear, and then Arisu relays it to Usagi, and the message travels down until Chishiya is whispering in his ear, “Two lions.”
Niragi doesn’t think they can go back and risk the gorilla noticing them again, but they can only turn left to get to the key. There’s no other direction to take, almost as if they’re on the edge of the zoo.
Aguni looks at them, pulls down his mask, and simply mouths, “Kuina. Niragi.”
It’s clear, Niragi, Kuina and Aguni will take care of the threat. He’s tempted to brush his hand with Chishiya’s just to let the man know it’s okay, but isn’t sure if that’s wanted anymore.
He’s surprised at the hand grabbing his arm as he starts to move, and Chishiya is staring up at him, but his hidden eyes and face are tragic when the man is too beautiful to hide.
“Be careful,” Chishiya says quietly, and Niragi is hoping this means that the man isn’t upset with him.
“Don’t worry about me, princess,” Niragi says quietly, thinking of lips on his and knowing that it would sort of be okay if he died with that memory…but then Chishiya would be all alone, so that thought leaves quickly.
Niragi hurriedly, but quietly, makes his way over to Aguni, as he and the man and Kuina huddle together.
“Two females eating. The giraffe is still alive. All with red eyes,” Aguni says incredibly simply, but there’s no time to go into a detailed explanation of what he’s seen.
“I’ll take out the giraffe so it can’t bite us. Then I’ll get into close combat,” Kuina lets them know what her plan is, and Niragi thinks it’s a good idea. He remembers Heiya getting bitten in such a completely avoidable way if they were just paying attention. And if Niragi was bitten by a giraffe he’d just kill himself out of embarrassment.
“Niragi take the one on the left,” Aguni orders, and Niragi nods, easily agreeing. The man puts his mask back up, “Ready. Go.”
Niragi doesn’t waste a second, turning the corner and righting his grip on the scythe. They don’t notice them until Kuina slings her rope, and it wraps around the giraffe’s neck, as she pulls back harshly, slicing through its flesh and bone and completely severing its head. The lions immediately stop eating the intestines pooling out of the giraffe’s bloated, black gooey stomach, and charge.
Niragi takes a step back with his right foot and swings the left blade blade to the right, hitting the lion in the chest. It roars, another zombified animal sounding like its vocal cords are fried, and while the blade is dangerously sharp, it only digs deep into the animal’s chest as it rolls onto the floor.
Niragi pivots quickly, and almost fails to block the lion that pushes on its hind legs and pounces at him. He steps back to the left this time, blade completely removing the lion’s front two legs.
It writhes on the floor angrily, moving itself with its bottom half. It’s bleeding out into thick puddles of black blood, and normally an injury like that would kill a normal creature, but it’s not normal. It’s like a fucking video game.
Niragi plants his feet and swings the blade down, sinking into the lion’s skull and splitting it open. He doesn’t stop pushing down until it finally stops moving.
He looks over and finds Niragi slamming the bat into the other lions head, over and over and over and–
Niragi has to look away. I told you to stay still or we’ll make you eat– he’s not there anymore. Niragi takes a deep breath. He's not there anymore, and no one is going to hurt him.
“Are you alright?”
He didn’t even realize that Chishiya had come to stand beside him. He doesn’t quite know what to say, but he just knows he always wants to be honest, “I don’t like baseball bats…I don’t have good experiences with them.”
“We can always have Aguni use something else.”
Niragi smiles beneath his mask, but he shakes his head, “He’s good with it, and we need him to fight.” He pulls his scythe out of the lion’s head with a squelch. “Are you alright?”
“I am now,” Chishiya says, and Niragi’s heart blooms when the man’s hand finds his. “You don’t have to do everything.”
Niragi wants to ask Chishiya if he forced himself on the man. He can’t stop thinking about hurting the other like that. But he knows that now isn’t the time. And if Chishiya is worried about him– touching him…then maybe he’s just spiraling for no reason.
“We need to go,” Aguni breaks their moment, and Niragi frowns when Chishiya’s hand leaves his. Aguni’s bat is dripping blood and he feels queasy as the man looks at the signs at the end of the path, “We’re almost there. Kuina and Niragi in front now.”
“We shouldn’t break formation,” Ann sounds unhappy about it, and so is Niragi. How the hell is he supposed to keep an eye on Chishiya?
“We need the heavy hitters up front right now,” Aguni clearly isn’t going to let her convince him otherwise.
Niragi sighs, and looks at Chishiya, “Stay close behind me, but out of range of my weapon.”
“I’m not just going to let you go into danger without me,” Chishiya argues, but Niragi would rather only have him fight if it was completely necessary.
“Just make sure you’ve got your weapon reloaded.”
“I already did, don’t change the subj–“
“Shuntaro, please just listen to me,” Niragi says lowly, so no one else can hear, and he knows he sounds desperate. “Just stay behind me.”
“Fine,” Chishiya definitely sounds pissed off, but he’d rather have the man angry than dead.
“You two can sing love songs later. Let’s go,” Aguni says, and Niragi rolls his eyes because they don’t fucking do that. He still moves to stand next to the man and continues moving through the zoo– Kuina to his left.
“Those penguins are eating each other,” Kuina whispers to him, as they enter the next section of the zoo and pass a large enclosure with water and penguins on the fake snow. They’re pecking at each other, eating each other’s flesh and pulling off chunks of skin and feathers. It’s honestly fucking horrible and Niragi thinks zombie animals are definitely worse. “I just think they’re hungry. It’s not like the people.”
“Animals eat animals. Humans eat humans,” Niragi says.
“Yeah, but they still want to eat us too.”
“Then we just need to get that key and get the hell out of here.”
“It could be anywhere here,” Ann says, as their eyes scan their surroundings in the hopes of finding a golden key.
“It’s likely in the most dangerous place,” Chishiya’s input is helpful, but it’s not anything they want to hear.
“There’s a map here,” Aguni looks at the pictures of animals on the large map they almost pass. He reads off each enclosure, “Penguins, arctic foxes, polar bears, seals and belugas, a mouse?, hares, and wolves. It could be in any of these enclosures.”
“I’d say polar bears and wolves.”
“I don’t know,” Niragi looks at Arisu, “We’d be at a big disadvantage being in the water.”
“We can just check those first,” Usagi suggests, and he doesn’t know if it’s, like, sexist, but the women are much better at mediating. And he thinks if it was just the guys they’d be fighting constantly.
“That’s a good idea,” Ann easily agrees with Usagi, and Niragi often finds them the most level headed among the group, especially now that Chishiya’s emotions have blossomed and affect him so deeply.
“No time to waste,” Kuina says, adjusting the rope in her hands, “Let’s hurry before it gets dark.”
Niragi glances at his watch, checking the position of the sun and thinking they’re likely in the early afternoon by now.
He once again takes his place between Aguni and Kuina, holding his weapon and ready to kill.
It’s strange when all the enclosures seem empty, but there’s much more blood than there was in the other areas of the zoo. Niragi’s eyes scan carefully, looking for anything and everything.
It’s when they turn the corner, and stop in front of a large enclosure that they stare down into, Niragi completely pales.
“They’re all in there,” Kuina says worriedly, watching almost every single arctic animal tearing each other apart. There’s at least fifteen to twenty animals– bloody, mutilated and ravening.
“The minute we go in there, they’ll turn their attention on us,” Chishiya is next to him, looking down at the enclosure beneath them. They’ll have to find a way to climb down too.
“Are we sure the key is in there?” Arisu asks.
“Can’t you see it?” Chishiya huffs like the man is an idiot, “Look at the polar bear.”
Niragi focuses his attention on the only polar bear, ravenously eating a writhing zombified wolf. And sure enough, there’s a large golden key tied around its neck.
“What the hell is up with putting the keys on animals?” Kuina complains, as they stare into the polar bear.
“I think we should take out whatever we can from up here,” Aguni glances over at Chishiya, “Maybe you should let Niragi take over.”
“Chishiya is perfectly capable of shooting–“
“It’s fine,” Chishiya cuts him off, and doesn’t seem to have much emotion in his voice. He hands Niragi the crossbow, who takes it hesitantly.
“Ann,” Aguni looks at her, and it takes her a moment to realize what he wants, but she still hands him the crossbow. It only makes sense to have the best shots do this. There’s no room for error.
“I’ll help too,” Arisu pulls the crossbow off his back, as Niragi doesn’t want to be a dick but it takes too fucking long per shot to use that thing, and watches Arisu cock an arrow with a bit of strain, “I can hit bigger animals.”
“Will these things even reach that far?” Niragi asks Aguni, and he isn’t confident that they’ll hit anything.
”We're shooting down, so there’s added force,” Aguni climbs up on the ledge and leans over the glass, taking aim, “Hit anything we can kill with one shot.”
Aguni fires a shot, sinking the arrow into the head of some type of rodent. It collapses immediately. It happens so quickly that the other animals don’t even notice.
Niragi sighs and climbs up on the ledge too, easily reaching over it. He tries to think of the best animal to hit. There’s no marine animals other than the polar bear, but he turns his attention toward a group of four bunnies– three eating one.
It’s almost too fucking easy to kill them, firing four expert shots into their heads. Niragi feels some sort of rush, like that night up on the roof during the Ten of Hearts, killing for fucking sport.
The night he faced Chishiya on the roof, ready to kill each other… but even then it was passionate, wasn’t it? They’ve always been inexplicably drawn to each other.
Niragi tries to clear his head as he kills a white fox, almost completely covered in blood with its jaw broken open. Their skulls are so rotted and squishy the arrow goes deep enough to kill.
He kills a disemboweled rodent next.
Aguni fires six shots, and so does Niragi. They don’t miss.
He’s surprised when Arisu manages to kill one of the wolves. But then the man has to climb back down just to reload.
Chishiya is already there with more ammo when he looks down to ask, and the man hands him the arrows to reload. It really is a simple and quick process.
They take out the remainder of the small animals, but don’t continue shooting when they’re left with two wolves and the polar bear. Niragi gets down from the ledge and hands Chishiya the crossbow, and the man reloads it. Niragi is so proud of his progress.
“I think I can get them,” Arisu sounds determined, and finishes cocking his second arrow.
He kills another wolf.
And surprisingly the last one.
But when Arisu finally aims at the polar bear, he only pierces its shoulder, and then it disappears into the water and there’s no opportunity to shoot it again. Niragi curses.
“We need to get down there somehow,” Kuina says, looking at the slope into the enclosure, “If we get down we’ll just fall into water.”
“Zoos have areas for the staff to enter enclosures,” Chishiya points out, “It’s our only option.”
“Then I guess we do that,” Ann gets her crossbow back from Aguni and slips three arrows into the holster.
“We should focus on our partners,” Niragi reminds everyone. “We’ll just make mistakes if we’re trying to protect everyone at once.”
“We need to plan who’s attacking and who’s backup,” Kuina suggests, “I think we should do what we did with the lions.”
“That’s a good plan,” Arisu agrees, “I’ll have an arrow ready.”
Niragi once again refrains from being a dick with how useless a traditional crossbow is when he comes to needing rapid fire.
“Move out,” Aguni is really taking on his SDF persona, but Niragi sort of likes his authority. It feels safe.
It takes a bit of time to figure out where the back of the zoo is, and how to get into the enclosure, but when they do, they step hesitantly onto the fake snow. The polar bear is laying on a large flat rock, facing away from them. It’s panting and grunting, likely rotting from the inside out.
Niragi thinks that Arisu could shoot it before it realizes they’re here, but there’s no clear shot. He looks over to Aguni for guidance, but the man is just standing there, likely thinking.
Aguni gets closer to Niragi, whispering in his ear, “We just need to draw its attention. It’s the only way.”
Aguni turns to Arisu and points at the crossbow, putting a hand up, but everyone understands. Wait to take your shot.
It happens very quickly after that. Aguni slams his bat on the ground, making a noise loud enough for the polar bear to notice. It turns around angrily, and stares at them with milky red eyes, bald patches with skin covered with blood and puss. Half of its skull is showing, skin rotted away.
It charges at them, and Niragi takes action. He moves out of way, scythe at his hip, and the polar bear hits the blade, cutting open its side. Aguni hits it in the head so hard it rolls away from them, blood pouring from the deep cut across its ribs.
Kuina seems to think her katana is a better option for this, unsheathing her sword and ready to strike.
The polar bear gets up, and from behind him a small arrow flies past him and lodges itself in its nose. It roars, a terrible, scratchy sound, as it starts running at them again.
Its movements are too jerky for Arisu to get a clean shot, so Niragi just has to get it still enough for the man to hit it in the skull.
But Aguni is quicker than him, wacking the polar bear in the skull, but it swipes at him and he barely gets away from those deadly looking claws.
Niragi Swings his scythe, rushing forward and slicing down, but it moves fast and instead of its head, he just cuts deep into its spine. The polar bear moves awkwardly as its ability to walk has been weakened.
It still swipes at him, and he moves swiftly and severs its front right leg. But he doesn’t expect the way it slides on the ground, turning its head to try to bite him, Niragi stumbles back when he’s pulled by his backpack. He almost falls to the ground, but manages to keep his footing when his scythe digs into the ground. Chishiya is standing in front of him defensively.
It’s complete utter stupidity when Chishiya attempts to grab the key as Aguni bashes its head with the bat, spikes in its skull, but not deep enough to kill.
The animal manages to twist its body and slashes at Chishiya, but Niragi runs and pushes the man out of the way, and then he’s stumbling back in pain at a harsh sting.
He’s not quite sure what’s happened but when he touches his chest his fingers come back a deep red. Then the pain comes, and while he’s no stranger to a cut on his skin, this is much deeper than what’s on his stomach or thighs.
He falls to the floor in shock.
“Suguru!” Chishiya is above him, sounding completely terrified as hands touch his chest gently. He hisses in pain and Chishiya’s voice shakes, “I-I’m sorry.”
“G-get the fuck out of h-here before you’re h-hurt,” Niragi gets out through the pain, and feels the way his shirt sticks to his skin.
Usagi is immediately at his side, “We need to get him out.” She grabs his arm and Chishiya grabs the other as they hoist him up, and he stumbles on weak legs.
He hears a sickening squish and crack, and when he turns his head he sees Kuina driving her sword straight down through the polar bear's skull, and it goes limp– dead.
“We can go through the back entrance to get out of here,” Usagi says, “It’s safer if we don’t go back through our path.”
“S’fine,” Niragi slurs, and his pants start to feel wet as blood drips down and soaks them.
“You’re losing too much b-blood,” Chishiya’s voice is slightly uneven, “We n-need to apply pressure quickly.”
“The checkpoint is close,” Ann says, “It can’t be more than ten minutes.”
“It’s like they wanted to give us the worst fucking challenge, and are fucking with us by making it so easy to get to safety,” Arisu says.
“Everything is psychological,” Ann agrees, as they hurriedly leave the enclosure, “Definitely a Hearts player.”
“Or a Diamonds. They’re smart.”
“We’re not even in the same place. I doubt it’s the people who stayed.”
“Niragi is hurt. Stop talking and let’s go,” Chishiya says angrily, and just focuses on supporting Niragi’s weight with the help of Usagi.
Niragi honestly feels a little bit woozy. He doesn’t think he’s going to, like, bleed out– or at least he hopes he isn’t. His skin feels like it’s been torn open, and he groans in pain.
“We need to hurry,” Chishiya pulls him quickly, jolting him with each uncomfortable step he’s forced to take.
He stumbles out of the zoo through a back entrance between Usagi and Chishiya, while Aguni and Kuina immediately move in front of them to provide protection.
There’s a scattering of zombies in their path as they make their way to the checkpoint, about two every three to four minutes. Kuina and Aguni kill them easily.
It’s difficult to walk through the sand as they begin walking up a dune to get to the safe house. Niragi’s legs feel wet now, blood soaking his clothes.
“It’s a house,” Kuina says in awe, as they get over the dune, and Niragi only sees a large square structure before he passes out.
And everything goes black.
Chapter 22
Notes:
Added a lot more songs to my AIB playlists 😊 please check it out 💗
https://open.spotify.com/user/m3caktaguq5v8wpjfc23ac4ia?si=9QtVxOBpS8WQwQ08QcEoyA
Chapter Text
Chapter 22
The first thing Niragi registers is pain. He groans deeply at the sharp sting and throbbing of his chest as he tries to sit up, but he’s only pushed back down against something almost foreignly soft.
“Don’t move.”
Niragi opens his eyes weakly, feeling heavy with exhaustion, and trying to adjust to the soft light that illuminates Chishiya’s blonde hair in an orange glow. There’s blood on the man’s face and Niragi is immediately filled with panic. He tries to get up again, but the hand on his shoulder is surprisingly strong.
“Stop moving–“
“Are you hurt?” Niragi reaches up and cups his cheek with a hand, “Are you hurt?”
“You should be more concerned about yourself. I’ve had to stitch your chest up and you’re just lucky those claws didn’t get your stomach and tear you open,” Chishiya doesn’t meet Niragi’s eyes, hair falling in front of his face, “You shouldn’t have pushed me out of the way.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t have tried to get the key,” Niragi says angrily, starting to remember everything now that the fogginess in his head is clearing as he wakes up. He turns Chishiya’s head towards him, “What the hell were you thinking? You could have died.”
“I was just trying to help–“
“Well you didn’t,” Niragi snaps, and Chishiya’s eyes widen, going a bit glassy. Niragi feels horrible for hurting the man‘s feelings, but Chishiya has to understand his actions were completely moronic.
“I just wanted to prove that I’m just as capable as anyone else,” Chishiya pushes the hand from his face, head turning away from him, “If I could have just gotten the key…to be like you…”
“Doing something stupid doesn’t prove anything. It just shows that you aren’t ready to be on the front line,” Niragi sees and feels a tear drop drip onto his stomach, and he sighs, grabbing the man’s hands in his. “Shuntaro, you have to act like you.”
“I’m useless–“
“Stop,” Niragi’s voice is firm, “You’re getting better, alright? You’ve worked so hard–“
“Not hard enough.”
“I don’t know what the fuck you want me to tell you, princess. Maybe you’re still not a very good fighter, but who else could’ve stitched me up? I don’t think any of us know shit about medicine.”
Chishiya seems to be considering Niragi’s words, nibbling on his bottom lip in thought. He’s tense, so he likely doesn’t agree about his usefulness, “What happened to your legs…I cleaned the blood off of you after I stitched your cuts. I didn’t think you’d want anyone else to see you naked, so…”
Niragi looks down, eyes trailing past his injured chest to the blanket resting over his hips. He lets himself be aware of his own body enough to feel the sheets beneath his legs and the thick bloody blanket on top of him. There’s a squishy pillow beneath his head and when he looks around they’re in a bedroom, with a window overlooking the star filled sky and a closet filled with clothes. It’s just them…and he’s naked.
“You saw my dick,” is all Niragi manages to say, face feeling incredibly hot and almost like he might just pass out again, but for an entirely different reason.
Chishiya makes some strange sort of noise, and when he looks at Niragi his cheeks are pink, “It was purely medical. You were covered in blood…There’s actual pajamas here, but it was difficult enough to get you out of the clothes…”
“It’s fine,” Niragi says, because Chishiya was just trying to help him so he didn’t fucking bleed out everywhere. But he just doesn’t like being naked. It’s too vulnerable.
“Did you do that to yourself?” Chishiya asks his question once again, only much more direct this time.
Niragi isn’t quite sure what to say, but he’s not going to lie. “Yes.”
“Why?” Chishiya’s fingers flex, like the man wants to touch them, but the blanket keeps him from Niragi’s skin.
“If anyone is going to hurt me, then it’s going to be me.”
“I’m not going to hurt you again–“
“Not you. Not any of you,” Niragi sighs and stares up at the beige ceiling, “My past still burns.”
“Will you tell me more about yourself? I feel like it’s all assumptions.”
Niragi looks at him and his blood soaked clothes and stained hair and face. “You should clean yourself off first.”
“There’s showers this time…is it just me or is it like they know what we need? There wasn’t needles and thread in the first aid kit at the tent.”
“I think it’s not something you should worry about when you’re so exhausted. Go take a shower and then I’ll tell you whatever you want.”
Chishiya glances at his chest worriedly, but he’s pretty sure he’s not going to fucking die.
“Go on,” Niragi says, squeezing his hands gently, “I’m not going anywhere.” He gives the man a soft smile, and it’s probably only being caked in blood that convinces Chishiya to finally get up and disappear into the bathroom.
Niragi sighs, feeling the way his skin stretches with each breath. He sits up with great effort, getting his hands beneath him and pushing himself up carefully, not wanting to tear open his fresh stitches.
It’s with patience that he finally stands on weak legs and walks over to the closet, putting on a pair of beige cotton pants as quickly as he can before Chishiya comes back into the room. He stands against the wall in exhaustion and rests his head against the open closet door. He runs his fingers over his chest and wonders why he’s the one that keeps getting mutilated in these places.
Niragi grabs one of the extra blankets from the closet and changes the bed– too tired to change every sheet, but thinking that the comforter took the worst of his blood.
He gets back beneath the covers and even if his chest is throbbing, he still lets out a deep, satisfied groan at the feeling of being in an actual bed. If he thought a simple lumpy mattress was heaven, then this is actually seeing god.
Niragi is half asleep when the bathroom door opens, and Chishiya walks into the room in only a towel wrapped low around his hips. He stands there awkwardly, “I forgot to grab clothes.”
Niragi can’t stop himself from staring, heartbeat thundering in his ears, because Chishiya is so delicate, so pretty. The width of his hands would overwhelm the man’s hips, and his palms would cover his stomach easily, and– he looks away quickly. He shouldn’t be having these thoughts. “It’s fine.”
“I’ll just change,” Chishiya says, but Niragi feels like his chest is tight when he hears the towel drop to the floor. He keeps his eyes shut tight while the man changes, and even when the other slides into bed. “I have clothes on now.”
“I’m just tired.”
Chishiya sighs, and Niragi feels the hand over his, threading their fingers together. “Will you tell me about yourself now?”
“It’s nothing good,” Niragi says, because he doesn’t think there’s anything interesting about him. He wants to tell Chishiya things that the man will like about him. “I don’t want you to think I had some depressing fucking life.” Even if I did, he thinks.
“I wish I could kill everyone who hurt you,” Chishiya’s voice is soft, but full of passion, and when Niragi finally opens his eyes and turns his head, he finds determination in those feline eyes. “I’d hurt them in the most terrible ways and even that wouldn’t be enough.”
Niragi thinks that would be a beautiful fucking sight. And the image of Chishiya covered in their blood as they suffer makes him feel like there’s a fire in his bloodstream. It feels like the man would do anything for him, and no one has ever wanted to do anything for a man like Niragi Suguru. He doesn’t think he deserves it.
“I just try not to think about them now. It doesn’t do any good to let myself remember.”
“When was the last time you hurt yourself?” Chishiya asks curiously, but Niragi somehow doesn’t feel judged, especially with the light sheen to the man’s eyes, like he wants to cry just for Niragi.
“Before we ended up in that place,” Niragi sighs, and remembers his first euphoric kill, “It was easier to just take it out on other people after that.”
“Everyday I'd stare at a picture of my mother and try to feel something. But all I felt was disappointment in myself for not being a human,” Chishiya’s fingers twitch in his, “I just wanted to feel something. I guess I got what I’ve always wished for.”
Niragi thinks that Chishiya feels more than enough now, and it’s honestly still strange to see such vibrancy in the man. “And how does it feel now? To feel?”
“Incredible,” Chishiya breathes out, like he’s in awe of something Niragi always wished he could get rid of.
“Aren’t you afraid of it?” Niragi always wonders what his life could have been if he was stronger. He always envied Chishiya’s perfected ability of apathetic cruelty as much as he hated the man for it.
“I think it’s more frightening being me,” Chishiya says, “The world has always been this gray, dull thing until that day you barged into the conference room like a supernova. I’ve never seen a person shine so brightly as you.”
“You’re a fucking poet or some shit,” Niragi’s cheeks feel warm at the man’s words, because Chishiya just sees him so differently, and even when they hated each other no one had ever said he shined. “I’m pretty sure nobody thinks that shit about me other than you.”
“I don’t particularly think it matters what anyone else thinks about you. You’re mine and I’m yours, aren’t we?”
“Of course we are,” Niragi doesn’t quite know what that means, but he just knows that he likes the sound of it. He’s too selfish to let Chishiya be anyone else’s.
Chishiya’s eyes flicker to his lips and he feels a rush of panic over him. He turns his head away and it’s like there’s a lump in his throat making it hard to speak, “I-I’m sorry.”
“I don’t– what are you sorry for?” Chishiya comes closer, but Niragi shuts his eyes tightly. He can feel hair brushing his face as the man looks down at him, but he thinks he’s being worried over something he shouldn’t.
“I–I don’t want you to feel like I took advantage of you. I swear I didn’t mean it–“
“What are you talking about?” Chishiya asks, clear confusion in his voice, like he has no idea what Niragi is talking about.
Niragi just blurts out everything, because he thinks once they have this conversation it’ll ruin the moment, “You were vulnerable and I just took your first kiss when you didn’t want it and I’m sorry and I should’ve known it wasn’t right because I know firsthand and–“
“Shut up,” Chishiya cuts him off, but it doesn’t feel harsh even if the words are, “Did…did someone do that to you?” There’s a hand suddenly on Niragi’s face to brush the hair from his cheek. “Did someone hurt you?”
“Why does it matter?” Niragi mumbles unhappily, “I only put myself in that situation.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have asked–”
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he says hastily, because Chishiya isn’t in the wrong. “I know I’m the only one who can give you that here, so I just thought–even if you didn’t…” Niragi trails off, because the man technically could’ve asked Aguni.
Niragi inhales sharply when there’s lips on his cheek in a delicate kiss, but it’s gone before he can even realize he wants more. “I like you. Am I being clear enough now?”
Niragi opens his eyes, and Chishiya is close enough to see the little caramel flecks in his chocolate eyes. He swallows nervously, “Like…like me?” He knows he sounds like some middle schooler, but it’s a struggle to process what he’s just heard.
“Like I seriously like you,” Chishiya says, with a soft smile on his lips, but his cheeks are pink.
“I– I’m not gay,” Niragi doesn’t know what else to say. He thinks it feels quite strange to say out loud; it sounds different now. He knows he’s not, but Chishiya feels like an exception, or something. Niragi doesn’t quite understand exactly what happens to him when it comes to the other man. He just knows it can’t go any further. ”I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“That’s fine,” Chishiya says, thumb brushing over his cheekbone carefully, and his eyes close again, but it’s not to try and hide, “Can you tell me something that makes you happy?”
“You–“
“Not me,” Chishiya laughs gently, “I never enjoyed much of anything, but I like sweets. I’d always get something from the convenience store after school.”
Niragi doesn’t really know what that’s like, because he grew up lower class and he was never given any pocket money to buy treats until he started making his own money.
“I used to get curry almost every night after work. There was this place by the Shinjuku Toho Building and then after I’d go up by the Godzilla head and just breathe.”
“Is that where your company is? You know we probably passed each other almost every day.”
“No. It was when I was a teenager. I-uh-worked the area. Like…you know…,” Niragi peeks his eyes open, nervous to see the man’s expression, because it’s quite clear what he means with his specific wording. But Chishiya just plays with his hair instead. It’s quite remarkable that all this touch doesn’t make him feel sick.
Chishiya lays down, head on his shoulder and avoiding his stitches. Niragi nuzzles against the man’s blonde hair, breathing in apple shampoo. And Chishiya is right, it’s completely strange how there’s so many things here to provide comfort for them.
“I’m understanding more why you are the way you are,” Chishiya says, lips brushing his collarbone at each word, “The world deserves it for what it’s done to you.”
“I really don’t think the people I’ve hurt deserve it…”
“I don’t think most people can understand that you were just surviving–“
“I still regret it.”
“Well I don't think you should,” Chishiya says simply, and Niragi can’t help laughing quietly because only someone like Chishiya would tell him not to regret all the fucked up, heinous, monstrous things he did. “You deserve to forgive yourself for being human.”
But does a normal human rape, kill and torture for the fucking rush of it– even if he was really only hiding beneath layers of fear and suffering? Niragi doesn’t think that’s something a good person should do. And even if it was only a manic attempt at revenge, it completely destroyed him inside.
He disagrees with the man, but would rather not argue about it, when Chishiya has always been stubborn.
Chishiya huffs in annoyance, no doubt able to know what Niragi is thinking– clever thing, “You’re not going to run away now knowing that I like you?”
“Never,” Niragi says honestly, and doesn’t think anyone here is going to hurt him, so that helps. “You’re mine…but I just…I can’t give you what you want.”
“You don’t know what I want,” Chishiya says, snuggling up against his side, “This might be all I want.”
Niragi highly doubts that Chishiya won’t start expecting things for him, and he doesn’t want to lose the man, so maybe he can–
“I’m not going to force you to do anything,” Chishiya cuts off his train of thought, like it’s so obvious what he was thinking, “I want you to want me, and it’s okay if you don’t right now.”
Right now, like he will.
“Maybe we–um–maybe I’ll be your boyfriend,” Niragi says, face feeling hot and stomach flipping, because maybe he can’t give Chishiya those things, but he can clearly let the man know that they’re, like, together. That’s okay…right? It’s not disgusting to just be boyfriends, like just a friend or family but even more special. Because those titles just don’t feel significant enough.
“I’d like that,” Chishiya smiles, and Niragi can feel it on his skin.
“I can’t kiss you again, but it’s fine if you do that again,” Niragi thinks this is the strangest fucking conversation he’s ever had, and with a man– no, with Chishiya. “Just in private.”
Niragi’s heart beats like a thumping rabbit’s foot when there’s lips on his cheek again. And Chishiya’s kisses don’t make him feel like he’s going to get sick everywhere, so he’s already addicted to it. He never knew that being touched wasn’t so horrible, and he still sort of expects it to go back to the way it was before the lake house.
Chishiya settles beside his head, nose pressed against his cheek as they lay in a comfortable silence. Niragi feels like each passing day shifts something inside of him, and he thinks he likes the way it warms him up inside.
Chishiya believes that he’s always experienced life so vibrantly with the intensity of his emotions, but if Niragi is honest, he’s never felt human either. Maybe in a different way than Chishiya, but neither had ever lived. All that he knows is that they fit perfectly together and finally understand what it means to be alive.
Niragi hears a soft snore in his ear and smiles at how adorable Chishiya is. The man is strong and fierce, but is really just a soft, tiny thing too– remembering his lithe body and– Niragi shuts off his thoughts, hating himself for his lack of control.
It’s just…no one finds him disgusting here. No one thinks there’s something wrong with him. If he really likes boys, which he doesn’t…but he likes Chishiya more than anyone– more than anyone else here. But it’s just, the thought of intimacy makes him feel sick.
The thought of being touched like that is terrifying, and he knows that men just– it doesn’t work. It’s not natural. And when they go back, he’s scared Chishiya will get hurt. So many people hurt men like Chishiya, and he doesn’t think the man understands that. Niragi will never be able to let the other out of his sight.
“I won’t let them hurt you,” Niragi says gently. The word on his stomach burns, and the thought of something like that happening to Chishiya is enough to make him want to lose his fucking mind.
Because it could jeopardize Chishiya’s career and ruin his life in so many unimaginable ways. It’ll be almost impossible to find a home together, and if Chishiya wants kids Niragi doesn’t think that’s possible with them. Chishiya would be destroying his life for this future and Niragi just…is a fucking selfish asshole that is willing to risk the man’s happiness just to stay together.
He thinks he stays awake far longer than he should for someone that has lost so much blood and is completely exhausted, but his mind is all over the place. It's like all the things he’s forced himself to forget and buried deep inside of him are clawing their way out of him each passing day, only to have the tears mended by a bitchy little blonde with beautiful eyes and soft lips.
Chishiya likes him, and it feels absolutely incredible, but it also makes him so incredibly uncomfortable.
It’s not just because Chishiya is a man, but also because he’s pretty sure he’s never just been liked before– for himself– not that he’s ever let anyone see him.
He sort of doesn’t know what the fuck is happening and he spends so much time trying to figure it out that he falls asleep before he can get anywhere…
And he’s not sure how long he’s been asleep for, but when he finally wakes up the room is bright– far too bright for his eyes and already putting a sharp pain in his head. He gets up groggily, still a bit dizzy, and makes his way out of the bedroom on shaky feet.
He passes by a few closed doors that he assumes are bedrooms, and when he sniffs at the air, he smells coffee and something absolutely enticing.
“It’s good to see you haven’t died,” Ann is leaning against the kitchen counter drinking a cup of coffee. It’s not a very large space, but there’s an actual stove and Kuina is cooking something that has his mouth watering.
“Be nice,” Kuina bumps her hip against the other woman’s as she turns to face him, “None of us were able to sleep until Chishiya said you were stable.”
“You got more food?” Niragi thinks it’s weird that they were so worried about him.
“Aguni left this morning to find a grocery store. Usagi scolded him enough about going out alone…but he did get two backpacks worth of food,” Kuina says, and Niragi peeks around her to try to see what she’s making. “Freeze dried hash browns and Spam bacon.”
“Fuck,” Niragi isn’t sure what to say to having fucking breakfast, especially after everything they’ve gone through. “What time is it?”
“Probably around noon. We were up late,” Ann looks at her watch, but then looks up at him with narrowed eyes, “I’m glad you’re alright.”
“Yeah, well it takes a lot to kill me.”
“That’s true. I did set you on fire,” Chishiya walks into the room unhappily, “You should be in bed.”
“You can’t expect me to stay in there all day,” Niragi complains, because he thinks he might go crazy being all alone in a room after getting so used to being with everyone else twenty-four hours a day.
“Aguni got curry. Apparently it was the first thing displayed when he walked into the store,” Chishiya says, and while Niragi doesn’t think that means anything to the women, it immediately makes him feel nervous.
It’s like they’re being watched, and the game makers are…either fucking with them or trying to help them…or both.
“We can have it for dinner. He got a small bag of rice too,” Kuina shakes her head, “I don’t know how he killed zombies with two stuffed backpacks.”
“Well he’s a soldier. He can handle being on his own.”
“That doesn’t mean he should,” Kuina gives Niragi a look, “Honestly I’d expect you to do something dumb like that. If Chishiya wanted a fresh pineapple you’d search everywhere just to get one.”
“He’d probably try to grow one too,” Ann smirks, and Niragi just glares at her, even if it lacks any heat.
“Like you wouldn’t turn the world over for each other,” Chishiya quips back, and they huff in annoyance, while Ann focuses on her coffee and Kuina goes back to cooking. The man grabs Niragi’s hand and pulls him away from the kitchen before the women can tease him any longer. “I’ll need to dress your wound.”
“Can I shower?”
Chishiya leads him back to the bedroom, “If you can avoid getting your chest wet. I can always help you.”
Niragi hears the teasing in his voice, but it still makes him a bit dizzy, “I’d rather avoid you having to see that.”
“I was pleasantly surprised. You’re impressive, from a purely medical perspective,” Chishiya glances back at him, with mischievous eyes and Niragi just stares at him in disbelief.
“You’re fucking ridiculous, princess.” Niragi sort of likes the teasing. It’s not something they really do, but maybe last night has changed things for them once again.
Chishiya lets him go when they get back into their bedroom, and Niragi immediately misses the touch. “Don’t get your stitches wet.”
Niragi blushes when Chishiya lifts up on tiptoes to place a gentle kiss on his cheek, and the hand that goes to the man’s hip is instinctual. Niragi looks down at Chishiya– so delicate. Those sharp eyes stare up at him curiously, almost looking for something inside of him that he isn’t even sure is there. He swallows nervously, “I’m going to go shower.”
Chishiya doesn’t look disappointed, but Niragi thinks that he would be if their roles were reversed. But he tries not to stress out about it, because the man doesn’t expect anything, so he doesn’t have to force himself to do something he doesn’t want.
The shower is actually phenomenal, and he could easily spend all day in there, but he knows he’ll be scolded, especially when he accidentally gets his stitches wet.
Chishiya already seems to know, looking annoyed at the sight of the towel over Niragi’s chest, “You shouldn’t be letting anything touch it either. Come here.”
Niragi sits beside the man on the bed obediently, and hisses in discomfort when the gauze first touches his wound. He lifts his arms, so Chishiya can wrap the bandaging around him.
“It’s my fault you’re hurt…”
”All that matters is you’re safe,” Niragi sees the shininess of his eyes and sighs, “How long will I take to heal?”
“In most cases like this I’d say two to three months, but I don’t think we can afford to be here that long,” Chishiya tucks the gauze, and reaches for another roll, “There was a closet full of first aid and enough gauze to last a month.”
“They’re watching us then, and they're shifting the game,” Niragi frowns, because he’s not sure how he feels about that, “Why would they help us?”
“I don’t think I’d want one of my most popular players to be taken out of the game. I’d help you if I could,” Chishiya wraps the last bit of gauze and tucks it, before double checking the wrappings to make sure it’s tight enough.
“The curry just feels like they’re fucking with me,” Niragi says honestly, “Though I admit it sounds good.”
“They strategically placed it so Aguni had to see it.”
“But that means they would have to know that he was going to get food, that he would have to go to that grocery story. That doesn’t make sense, Chishiya.”
“It could be omnipotence. And I keep thinking. I told you that the gods–”
“I don’t think anyone is as concerned about this as you are. Maybe last time, but they just want to go home now,” Niragi shakes his head, because Chishiya’s theories are so easy to fall into.
“They’re communicating with us, Suguru–“
“Don’t let it affect you,” Niragi says gently, hand grabbing Chishiya’s tightly, “Whatever it is, it’s just distracting us from finishing the game. Just focus on me, okay?”
“I couldn’t figure it out last time, but I will here. Everyday I get closer,” Chishiya’s face is set in determination, and it just worries Niragi that the man is so focused on it. He didn’t know that Chishiya has been thinking about it so frequently.
“I don’t want it preoccupying your mind right now,” Niragi can see the stress in his posture, and thinks that the curry and gauze might’ve really freaked him out, “They helped us, and maybe that’s all there is to it. It doesn’t mean that those fucking bastards deserve us to think of them as gods–“
“Then what are they?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Niragi sighs, resting a hand on his face, thumb brushing along his cheekbone, “Let’s just go eat. Get your mind off of it right now.“
“I’m not going to let you shut me up,” Chishiya frowns, looking incredibly hurt, “I’m not stupid.”
“That’s not–no, never. I would never think that about you,” Niragi’s hand slides into his hair and cradles his head, “I just think we should focus on our own survival. Losing our heads over who’s been doing this to us will just distract us from the game.”
Chishiya looks like he wants to argue, and Niragi knows that he hates the unknown and must feel like he’s useless for not being able to figure it out. It definitely can’t help his self esteem right now when it’s already fragile.
“Tonight I’ll let you tell me all about it, alright? But I’m hungry as fuck and Aguni brought bacon.”
“You’ll listen to my theory?” Chishiya’s eyes flicker around his face, trying to call out his bluff, but Niragi just nods. The man sighs, “Fine.”
Niragi thinks that’s as much of a compromise as he’ll get right now, but he can already see the thoughts swirling around in Chishiya’s head behind those mocha irises. He pets down blonde hair before grabbing the man’s hand and guiding them both to stand. “Let’s just enjoy being in a fucking house with breakfast. We’ll talk tonight.”
Chishiya huffs in annoyance, but still lets Niragi pull him gently out of the bedroom and back towards the smell of mouth-watering food. But Niragi disappointedly finds the kitchen empty and there’s no food on the stove either.
“They’re probably in the living room,” Chishiya says, “I’m sure Kuina has plates for us. It’s just to the left.”
Their fingers stay intertwined as they turn the corner, and Niragi is honestly surprised by the size of the house, and he wonders if the next checkpoint will be as nice.
“It’s so good to see you up,” Usagi says when he walks into the room, a medium sized space of all windows and two plush looking couches. There’s two untouched plates on the coffee table and she motions towards them, “We saved some for you both.”
“You look like shit, kid, but you’re alive,” Aguni eyes his stitched up chest and Niragi rolls his eyes as he takes a seat on the couch next to Kuina and grabs his plate. Chishiya sits by his feet and leans against his legs.
“You’re lucky Chishiya knew what to do,” Arisu actually looks slightly worried, “No one else had any idea of what to do.”
“We’re lucky to have Chishiya here,” Niragi hopes the man realizes that, because if anyone is seriously hurt, then they’d be useless without him.
“I guess the question is how long do we need to stay here until Niragi can be active?” Ann asks seriously, because as easy as it is to stay in safety, they can’t stay forever.
Chishiya pushes around the hashbrowns on his plate with his fork, but Niragi is more focused on shoving a piece of bacon into his mouth and trying not to cry at the flavor. The man stares out the sliding glass window, “Two weeks.”
“Two weeks?!” Kuina sounds like she thinks the man is completely crazy, “We can’t wait here that long–“
“If you want his stitches and wounds to rip open the minute he tries to run or fight, then please go on without us. I’m not risking Niragi getting hurt any more than he already is.”
Niragi wonders if he’ll be able to use his scythe. It really was quite an effective weapon. He puts a hand on top of the blonde’s head, “We can’t stay here that long–“
“We are,” Chishiya says stubbornly, and he’s about to argue again when Aguni speaks first.
“He’s right. You’ll just get yourself or us killed if you’re hurt. You could’ve died if we were any father from here yesterday, and I’d rather not leave you bleeding out on the street.”
“Thanks,” Niragi knows that’s as kind as Aguni could be with him, but the man did leave the safety of the checkpoint just to bring food for them all, and now he’s wondering if it’s because Aguni knew he’ll need time to heal here.
“But will we wake up? We’ve been here much longer than level one,” Usagi nibbles on her piece of bacon.
“I think it’s been established by now that we have no idea how time works,” Ann says, and when she drinks her coffee, Niragi eyes it with want.
“We’ll be fine. They know Niragi needs to heal.”
Niragi resists grimacing, because he thought they were talking about it later, and no one else needs to be pushed into spiraling into theories either.
“What are you talking about?” Kuina asks curiously, because she’s likely wondering why Chishiya seems to know if they’re safe.
“It’s much more complex than before and time is moving more slowly. I’m sure it hasn’t even been a minute.”
“There’s no way for you to know that,” Arisu doesn’t look very convinced, and Niragi actually sighs out loud because this is going to fuck with everybody.
“We’re–“
“That’s enough,” Niragi cuts Chishiya off quickly, but not harshly, “Let’s just keep assuming that we don’t know anything. But if we’re not smart, then we’re not going to survive. I need to wait for my stitches to heal, but if you want to leave–“
“We’re staying together,” Kuina places a hand on his thigh comfortingly, and it shouldn’t be a surprise when Chishiya’s hand moves over to push hers off. She just laughs gently.
Niragi finishes eating his food while everyone else talks about everything and anything other than the reality of their situation. His eyes scan the room and notice the bookshelf in the corner with interest. He thinks if there’s no television or radios, then he’d be interested in reading a book.
He doesn’t have the chance to, finding himself so exhausted after breakfast that he goes back to the bedroom and tries to take a nap, pleased when he realizes the window has curtains.
He’s not sure how long he sleeps, but when he wakes up, Chishiya is beside him reading next to the lamp. Niragi tries not to wonder where the fuck their electricity, water and gas comes from.
“There’s water next to you,” Chishiya looks upset as he reads the book in his hands, and Niragi reaches for his arm comfortingly.
“W-what are you r-reading,” his mouth feels dry and his voice is scratchy, so he does actually drink some water before repeating himself, “What are you reading?”
“Kurt Vonnegut Jr.s Slaughterhouse Five. There’s only romance books in the shelf, except this one.”
“And I’m assuming you think that means something?” Niragi asks, “You’re going crazy, babe.”
“It has to mean something, but I just don’t know what.”
“What time is it?”
“It’s dark out if that’s what you're wondering. I asked Kuina to save the curry for when you’re awake. We just had canned pasta,” Chishiya turns to him, “Are you hungry?”
“I’m fine right now,” Niragi’s fingers slide up his arm, “Take a break from that book.”
“I think our consciousness exists here, like some sort of alternate reality where we exist simultaneously with our other bodies,” Chishiya puts the book down, and Niragi said he’ll listen, so he’ll listen. The man stares at him with a slight mania, “I think they’re watching you. Ever since the last games.”
“You can’t possibly think they caused the disasters too?”
“How else would we have ended up here again? They’ve been waiting for you.”
“Why me?” Niragi doesn’t think that makes him feel very good at all.
“In level one with the mist, and then the pit. And here with the curry and gauze and you should’ve bled out, but you didn’t. It’s a test just like before. You survived your burns and Arisu’s shotgun–“
“In every situation you’ve been right beside me. Can’t they want you too?”
Chishiya clearly hasn’t thought of that before. He looks distraught and Niragi fights through the pain to turn over and grab him. He shakes his head and pushes Niragi back down, “You’ll hurt yourself.” He suddenly seems to be thinking deeply again, “Aliens maybe. Futuristic technology.”
”Aliens?” Niragi tries not to sound rude, but that sounds absolutely ridiculous, “That doesn’t make sense. How the hell would they be able to transfer our consciousness?”
”It could be humans conducting advanced neuroscience technology. A social experiment of some sort.”
“So basically you don’t know.”
Chishiya looks at him with annoyance, so Niragi just brushes a hand against his jaw in apology. “I told you that I’m getting there. I’ve been paying attention to every detail here. I just didn’t want to worry you when you’ve been going through so much…”
”I’d rather you not hide anything from me. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to me,” Niragi says softly. “Look, we’ll figure it out, okay?”
Niragi honestly doesn’t actually think they’ll figure it out, but he still wants to support Chishiya.
“Vonnegut Jr.s book discusses the disjointed and non-linear remembrance of trauma. We’ve been changing as if random pieces of us are locking together in no order.”
“And how does that apply to the game makers?”
“I don’t know,” Chishiya says with frustration.
“Maybe they think we’re entertaining or something,” Niragi jokes, but it seems very likely that Chishiya believes that.
“That’s true…when we stay we’ll make the games better. And people like us will find each other.
Niragi doesn’t say anything. It’ll just start an argument. He’s sure that Chishiya won’t want to stay when they reach the end and going home actually feels real.
“Come here, princess,” Niragi says, and enjoys how easy it is for the man to press up against him, head on his shoulder. “If they want a show, we’ll give them a show alright. All we need to do is keep doing what we’re doing. We could’ve ended up anywhere, but we ended up together.”
“I like to think they knew we’d find each other. They knew we were meant for more than hate– saw our potential,” Chishiya says, melting against him, almost like just touching Niragi is all the comfort the man needs.
“It’s a nice thought,” Niragi agrees, because some force thinking that they were meant for each other just feels right.
Chishiya yawns deeply, and his apple scented hair brushes Niragi’s nose, “Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if we stayed there.”
”I think it’d take us a lot longer to even tolerate each other. I wouldn’t have been who I was when I woke up in the hospital.”
”Neither would I…I’m glad we didn’t. We probably would’ve kept hating each other too long before we would’ve realized we liked each other. It would’ve been too late…Do you think they knew we weren’t going to stay?”
”I don’t know,” Niragi says. He’s not sure what he’s supposed to say to that, “It just seems like a lot of effort to get us all back here.”
“Well people love a good love story,” Chishiya says sleepily, completely unaware that Niragi has just frozen. It’s like the man can fall asleep in a matter of seconds and it’s usually enviable, but right now he’s more concerned with what Chishiya’s just said.
People love a good love story.
Niragi stares up at the ceiling, stomach in knots, fingers twitching nervously.
People love a good love story.
Niragi lets out a shaky breath.
People love a good love story.
“Fuck.”
Amazing artwork by @Enuma_eyelash96 💗
Amazing artwork by @mallow_fallow 💗
Chapter Text
Chapter 23
It’s been three days since they’ve settled in the safe house while Niragi heals, and he honestly has to admit it’s much more comfortable than being stuck in those stuffy tents now that he’s gotten used to having a private space again.
But Niragi is worried. Chishiya doesn’t seem like himself. And all he’s been doing is reading that book over and over again in some sort of frenetic obsession and desperate to find something. Niragi isn’t so convinced that it actually means anything other than an attempt to fuck with his head. It’s like now that Chishiya is convinced the game makers are watching Niragi specifically, he’s desperate to figure out the mystery and what they want to do with what’s mine, as the man says.
“What the hell are you reading?”
Niragi looks up at Aguni from where he’s sprawled out on one of the couches reading, or attempting to read anyways– too busy thinking. He closes the book and shows the cover to the man, who scoffs in disbelief. “It’s the only damn book here that has any action. It’s all prissy shit.”
“I’m sure it’s enjoyable for a teenage girl, but a grown man reading Twilight is a bit pathetic,” Aguni is clearly trying to tease him, but Niragi feels too shitty to laugh. The man frowns at him, “The kid hasn’t left the room for three days.”
It’s true, and Kuina has even taken to bringing their food to the bedroom, while Niragi forces him to eat while he scribbles in that book just trying to make a connection. Niragi looks away when Aguni sits on the other couch and raises an eyebrow expectantly, waiting for an answer.
“He just wants to make sure nothing happens to me.” Niragi doesn’t go into specific details, about sci-fi technology and quantum mechanics, ramblings that he can’t even fucking comprehend.
“He has to understand that he can’t control this place. There’s not even a speck of control here that any of us have.”
“I don’t know how to fucking stop him from freaking out,” Niragi leans his head back on the armrest of the couch and stares up at the ceiling, “He’s not going to be able to focus when we go back out. It’s completely taking over his mind.”
Niragi isn’t sure why he’s being so honest with Aguni when they’ve hardly ever talked about anything– even in the other world. The only time they ever really had a moment or some shit, was when the other man taught him how to shoot with a simple pat on the shoulder and a good job kid that almost made him cry like a bitch.
“You know I killed Tak–the Hatter.”
No. Niragi definitely did not know that, and he thinks there’s going to be some fucking story about it, so he stays silent. He probably doesn’t care right now because he’s a fucking asshole, and how can he care about anyone else’s problems when there’s Chishiya to worry about?
“We came to that place together, you know. It was always just me and Takeru taking on the world. He’d been my best friend since we were kids and honestly we thought we’d beat the games together too.”
Niragi still struggles with the mixed feelings that come when he reminds himself that they’re all in it together, because the wins are euphoric, but the losses are gut wrenching. He stays silent and hopes it’s clear that he’s listening.
“We made up the whole thing about the cards. We didn’t know how the hell we would return home, but it provided an advantage to our safety outside of the games.”
Niragi frowns at the reminder, because it honestly sucked that he wasted so much time believing in a lie. The ruse had quickly become clear once the face card games started, but he really could’ve just been off on his own than trying to climb ranks. He wouldn’t have even needed to put on an image either. There would be no people to impress.
“Takeru started believing in the lie. He went mad. Had us all go on a killing spree and spent all day staring at those damn cards. He couldn’t think about anything else and I think the only thing keeping him alive in the games was that he needed to survive to get back to his cards. I tried to help him but…it doesn’t matter anymore. But that kid is already losing his mind with how fucked over you keep getting, but if you’re hurt again…”
Niragi sighs heavily, “I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do about it. If you couldn’t help the Hatter, then how can I help Chishiya?”
“Give him security and safety even if this place has none.”
“What does that even mean?”
“Let him feel like he can talk to you about his fears. All I did was tell Takeru that he just needed to let it go, to move on, and when we just stopped talking about it, things started going wrong.”
“The guy also started sending us out to kill people even if they weren’t hiding any cards. And I don’t think Chishiya mistrusts any of you.”
“But Chishiya would be doing the same damn thing if he had to. He’s so paranoid about the what if and not the now– that you’re alive and together.”
Niragi honestly thinks that the fact that they’re together is what’s terrifying Chishiya, because all he can think is that the game makers want to tear us apart for a good show.
“Look if he can’t stop obsessing over it, then maybe try to redirect his thinking. Instead of letting him worry about something happening to you, then try to help him by creating safety plans. It’s common training for soldiers. We have to be able to function in high stress situations.”
“That’s not a bad idea…” Niragi says, because maybe if he tries to make the games less frightening, it will alleviate some of Chishiya’s anxiety. He lifts his head to look at Aguni who’s staring out the window with a furrowed brow. Niragi pushes himself up to sit, still careful not to pull on his stitches, “Thanks.”
“The two of you are wrapped around each other more than anyone. I don’t want to see something as fucking stupid as fear break you apart, or get either or both of you killed,” Aguni’s words aren’t kind, but they’re still caring. Niragi doesn’t think he wants anyone else to lose someone.
“I’m not going to let anything happen to us,” Niragi knows it’s not even a possible situation, because he’s just not going to let it even close to happening.
Aguni just stares at him, and he can see the pain in the man’s eyes, no doubt remembering everyone lost. Aguni sighs, “Cherish every moment you have together before–“
“Nothing is going to happen to him,” Niragi shakes his head, because he’s not going to let some hypothetical affect him.
“Everything ends, Niragi. But both of you can make it back home. Don’t let this place be the end of you.”
If we stayed maybe it never has to end, is the first thought that bounces around in his head. But it’s selfish when Chishiya deserves a real life. Niragi wants to be able to give that to the man, and staying here creating games is just seriously fucked up after everything they’ve been through.
“I’m just looking out for you,” Aguni says, and Niragi nods in understanding. He knows that the other man only has good intentions, but the idea of pointing out that he’ll lose Chishiya no matter what happens, even if it’s just while they’re safe in the real world, makes him want to panic. He admits he never thought of that as a possible reality, like they’d just sort of exist together for eternity. Aguni nods over towards the hallway, “Try to get him to eat dinner with us.”
Niragi can smell whatever delectable thing it is that Usagi and Arisu are cooking in the kitchen– the most capable cooks taking turns while people like Niragi just sit on their lazy asses and eat it. He thinks they’re being far too relaxed about their dwindling food supply, when some of them will have to leave the security of the checkpoint to get more as they near towards the end of their stay here.
And Niragi knows that’s not going to be him– being treated like broken glass. He can’t even get a glass of water without someone telling him to sit down and then getting it for him while they fuss over his stitches that still haven’t ripped open, thank you.
“I’ll try, but I make no promises,” Niragi gets up off the couch slowly, because even if he’s fine, he’d still like to avoid hurting himself further. “I’m sorry about Hatter.” He means it, and while he might’ve never liked the man, he likes Aguni, and doesn’t want to see his friend in pain.
“I know you’re sorry, Niragi,” Aguni says, but clearly means more to it than just that, “Go take care of the kid.”
Niragi just gives the man a simple nod and walks out of the room, stopping by the kitchen to check out what Arisu and Usagi are cooking, but they’re too lost in each other’s eyes to realize that he’s peeking between their bodies at the chicken, broccoli and rice. Niragi doesn’t think he’s ever realized just how much he appreciates canned food.
He’s sure Ann and Kuina are off being just as lovey fucking dovey with each other wherever the hell they’re hiding–likely in their bedroom. Niragi would rather not think about it.
“Take a break from that book, Shuntaro,” Niragi walks into the bedroom, and resists the urge to walk over and rip it out of his hands. “Talk to me about something.”
“I do have an idea, but no one else can know,” Chishiya puts the book down on the bedside table and blinks at Niragi tiredly.
Niragi sits down beside Chishiya, wrapping an arm around the man’s shoulders who easily melts into his side. Niragi doesn’t want to talk about about any more fucking bullshit about whoever created this game, but Aguni said to not shut Chishiya down. “Tell me.”
“Really?” Chishiya asks hesitantly, and Niragi actually feels a bit like shit because he didn’t know that there was this…distance.
“I want to know everything you think. I value your opinion, Shuntaro.”
“You’ve just seemed irritated every time I bring it up–“
“Well I’m telling you I want to know,” Niragi cuts the man off, but tries to keep his voice soft, “I’m sorry I’ve been a dick.”
“It’s fine,” Chishiya says, but still sounds unsure, “I like Meiji milk chocolate.”
Niragi isn’t sure what to say for a moment, because that’s really fucking random, “Do you want me to ask Aguni to find it or something?”
“I just want to see what happens now that they know.”
Niragi thinks he understands now. Chishiya wants to see if they’ll display it like the curry, but he’s sort of worried that it’ll start making the man think it’s possible to control the game when he knows it isn’t. It’s just manipulation that’s surprising Chishiya is falling into.
“Then we’ll wait and see what happens,” Niragi presses a kiss into Chishiya’s hair, “Let’s go out and eat dinner with everyone.”
“I still have a lot–“
“If you’re exhausted, then you’re not going to think clearly. I feel like we’ve hardly spent time together.”
“We’ve been together almost all day everyday.”
“I–“ Niragi contemplates Aguni’s words again, and he uses his other hand to rest on Chishiya’s cheeks and kiss the man’s forehead. It’s the first time he’s put his lips on the other’s skin, and enjoys Chishiya’s shaky inhale, “I know you’re just trying to keep us safe. But our time is so precious here, that we should spend it enjoying ourselves too. Let’s watch the stars tonight. That sounds nice, right?”
“yeah…” Chishiya says, fingers gently running over the bandages on Niragi’s chest, “Is it terrible of me to hope to redirect their attention onto the others? I’d rather them be hurt than you.”
“I don’t think you should hope that any of us are hurt,” Niragi says, but must begrudgingly admit that he’d rather someone else get hurt that isn’t Chishiya. “If I put my priorities on keeping you safe in the field, then I’m more focused. It helps to stay in the moment, just as much as it is to plan ahead. Wouldn’t you agree?”
Chishiya hums in thought, “I’m just worried.”
“I know you are,” Niragi kisses his forehead again, “If they’re watching us, then they’re helping us right now. We have food and showers and books and beds, and more than we’ve been given before.” Niragi thinks it could just be to fuck with them too, but doesn’t think saying that would be productive.
“They knew you were going to be hurt–“
“Maybe they did, but there’s no way for us to know that for certain. Don’t you think it’s better to focus on being prepared for danger than stressing over whatever the hell those people know?”
“…yes…” Chishiya says slowly, but it seems like there’s more he needs to say, but maybe Niragi is slowing down his manic momentum– at least for the moment.
“You’re too smart for your own good,” Niragi smiles, because he really wonders what it’s like to be in the man’s brain. It must be a jumble of genius. “I don’t think anyone is capable of figuring this out except you, but I want some of your focus. I’m fucking needy, babe.”
Chishiya’s head tilts up to look at him, and the man is frowning deeply, “I don’t want you to feel like I’m not paying attention to you. All my attention is on you.”
Niragi supposes that it is in a way, but just not how he wants it, “Take a break from the book tonight. Let’s eat dinner with everyone and watch the stars. Maybe we can make up our own constellations.”
“We should get used to our new stars,” Chishiya agrees, and Niragi thinks it’s better not to point out that this isn’t their sky and it never will be. The man yawns sleepily, “Will you tell me something from your childhood?”
Niragi nods, and Chishiya’s head tucks beneath his chin again. He tries to think of something good. “Sometimes I would just try to get away from it all. I always felt like I was running away from something: my mom, my dad, the other boys. So I'd go to the Nakanoshima rose garden and just smell the flowers.”
“I like how you enjoy things,” Chishiya says with a dreamy sigh, “I never enjoyed anything.”
“You used to get sweets after school. I’d say that’s enjoying something.”
“A brief rush of serotonin isn’t enjoying things. It’s just a chemical reaction,” Chishiya says simply, and Niragi can’t resist his soft laugh. The man’s hands trail down to his stomach, fingers spreading over his scars, “I enjoy things with you. I enjoy things with Kuina as well, but not as much. And the others are just simply here.”
Niragi thinks he’s found a place for everyone in his newly beating heart. It still doesn’t compare to the way Chishiya has crawled beneath his skin and settled within the depths of his very core– of what makes Niragi Suguru, Niragi Suguru.
“What other things would you do?” Chishiya asks, voice slow and lazy like he might fall asleep at any moment, and Niragi believes he just might. It’s honestly a relief when he’s hardly been sleeping since finding that book.
Niragi uses a hand to run his fingers through the man’s hair while he thinks of an answer. When he thinks of his childhood most of the memories that filter through his brain are stained by hurt and violence. And it takes him a few minutes to even think of anything.
“Sometimes I’d just watch the trains pass all day. My bedroom overlooked a station. I liked to try and sketch them,” Niragi actually smiles at the memory he hasn’t given thought to in years, “I wanted to be a train conductor when I was a kid.”
“You would’ve been cute in that hat,” Chishiya says, “Most men in my family went into medicine, so it was just expected.”
It didn’t teach the blonde empathy either, which was Chishiya’s sole interest in entering the medical field. Niragi can’t imagine he felt fulfilled going to work everyday.
“Tell me another thing,” Chishiya asks, and his interest in something other than the game is something that Niragi will easily indulge.
Niragi can’t help feeling strange, because he never lets himself think about his past. But ever since the hospital he’s just been remembering more and more….or less remembering and more letting himself face it. He has support now– something he’s never had before– and even if he’s still afraid, he’s not in it alone.
“You’re making me grasp on straws here,” Niragi is only slightly frustrated he can’t think of many happy memories, because he’s had very little. “There were a few stray cats in my neighborhood. I’d save some of my lunch to feed them after school, and even if I’d just had the shit be beaten out of me, I’d still go to the box they lived in and feed them.”
“I used to have goldfish. I think my father wanted to teach me the value of life.”
“But it didn’t work?”
“I wouldn’t say it was completely ineffective at teaching me a lesson. I understood that the weak rely on the strong to survive,” Chishiya yawns deeply and melts further against Niragi, “That doesn’t mean I emotionally connected to a dumb fish.”
“Well I’m glad we never met back then. You’d think I was just as dumb,” Niragi teases, but doesn’t expect the man to turn, face pressed against his chest and lips on his banaged skin, right above his heart. He still doesn’t quite know how to process Chishiya’s kisses.
“I would’ve liked you,” Chishiya says, like he’s so certain of it, ”I just know it.”
“You know it?” Niragi laughs gently, fingers running through blonde hair.
“Of course I know. We were meant for each other.”
“You would’ve thought I was some loser. I bet you were a cool kid.”
“I was only cool because I didn’t care about anything. The other moody teenagers wished they could be like me, but never knew that it was so completely terrible. I’m sure we would’ve balanced each other out perfectly.”
“I wouldn’t have wanted you to get hurt like me,” Niragi sighs, because while it’s a nice thought to never having to have been alone, he’d rather suffer for the rest of his life than let Chishiya live a moment in his shoes.
“All moments, past, present and future, always have existed, always will exist.”
“Yeah I guess–“
“It’s in the book,” Chishiya has a little spark to his voice again and Niragi wonders what it’ll take to push it from his mind completely.
“It’s a nice quote, but wouldn’t you say that only our present exists? The past is no longer here and the future hasn’t even come.”
“I’m starting to think that time is just a concept here. In the last world we were there a little over a month and our hearts stopped based on the days we spent there,” Chishiya seems to take a little breath only when Niragi’s fingers slide down his jaw in a soothing manner, “We have no way of knowing how time works in these places and I’ve accepted that. It would be impossible to know if we can complete this game in the same amount of time as the cards.”
“So what about the book?”
“I think our future already exists here. Just like our future existed in the last world before the meteorite had even hit Shibuya. And our past is still existing behind us too. We’re the future for our past, and the past for our future. We never truly end.”
Niragi frowns, because Chishiya actually sounds fucking insane…or maybe Niragi is just a moron, “I don’t understand. We’re like on a loop?”
“A loop would imply our story is a cyclical chronicle, but this book has no linear trajectory. I believe it’s more to be thought provoking than actually giving us answers, but the concepts are important.
“We’re not a story. This is our lives. I know you think they’re watching us–“
“We both know they’re watching us, Suguru. I’m saying every single person on Earth since the beginning of our consciousness has been watched and picked for these games.”
“That would be saying every natural disaster is planned. I think that’s a bit far-fetched.”
“That’s where I find myself stuck again. It’s too much power for simple game makers, yet I find difficulty believing a monotheistic higher power putting its efforts towards this.”
“So you’re thinking multiple gods?”
“I’ve said before that it has to be divine, as difficult as it is for my atheist brain to admit.”
Niragi has never believed in god either, but just knows that nothing about any of this is natural. While Chishiya is on a completely different field of thought as he does mental gymnastics just to figure out something that no one else really cares about anymore.
“I– all this for me?” Niragi decides to ask instead of trying to talk the man down from the ledge.
“For us,” Chishiya says softly, “I’ve come to realize that we’ve always been meant to find each other. I just know we’ve been circling around each other just waiting to collide.”
It’s nice to think about, even if it doesn’t seem possible. They just happened to meet in a freak disaster. But that doesn’t mean he’s going to regret all the shit he went through just to get right here right now with the man in his arms.
“We must be pretty special, then,” Niragi closes his eyes, and can’t fight the smile from his face. To imagine them as always being meant to find each other in the hell that is existence– to truly actually believe that he exists for Chishiya– is divine in itself. “Sounds a lot like soulmates.”
“Our connection is much more profound than a simple overused romantic trope,” Chishiya lets out a breath, “If I’ve learned anything in the time since we’ve known each other, it’s that our lives could never have ever stayed separated.”
“And why is that?” Niragi asks curiously.
“It’s another thing I’m still figuring out. The way we connect to all of this is still uncertain.”
“I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” Niragi says, wanting to support him, “But you need to take care of yourself. You know, eat and sleep, shower and get some fresh air.”
“I might’ve been a bit too invested,” Chishiya admits, much to Niragi’s relief, “It helps to talk about it. All these thoughts and theories are just stuck in my head and I still can’t do anything about it.”
Niragi might just have to get down on both knees and thank Aguni like some sort of devoted follower praising their king. The man’s simple advice finally broke through Chishiya’s erratic obsessions, and while Niragi doesn’t think his quest for the truth will end, he hopefully has to start seeing that he needs to be present in their survival.
“I’d like to practice shooting tomorrow,” Chishiya sounds incredibly determined and it makes Niragi smile.
“We can do whatever the hell you want,” Niragi can’t really do shit, but he can at least shoot. He hasn’t even looked at the gear and weapons provided on the patio yet. “I’m not sure if I’ll be able to use my weapon.”
“You shouldn’t be using anything that requires too much movement,” Chishiya’s arm wraps around his waist as the man hugs him tightly, while still careful of his stitched up chest. “You’ll still be healing when we leave and I want you to be careful, Suguru. I don’t know what I’ll do if you’re hurt again–“
“Relax, princess,” Niragi doesn’t want him to worry about things that aren’t even happening right now, “We’ll be here for a while. We’ll be safe here together, so try not to worry about what will happen when we leave. Let’s just be as ready as we can.”
“I have a suspicion that you’re manipulating me…” Chishiya hums in thought, “Though you have put me at ease, so I can’t necessarily be mad at you.”
“I wouldn’t call it manipulation,” Niragi frowns, because that wasn’t his intention. “I just– I feel like an asshole, okay? I want you to talk to me, baby. But I also want to get you out of this fixation… it won’t do any of us any good if you’re not present with us.”
“I just want answers,” Chishiya sighs, “Everyone else wanted to know so badly last time, but it’s like I’m the only one paying attention now.”
“Well no one is as smart as you. I think they just don’t even want to try this time, when we couldn’t find answers anywhere.”
“Flattery will get you nowhere,” Chishiya says, and Niragi can hear the slight amusement in his voice, “I suppose when you’re invested in going back, you’re less inclined to figure out more about your new home.”
Niragi feels prickling beneath his skin, and the urge to tell Chishiya that we’re going back, but knows that’s not going to help the man’s fragile state. “Do you really think we’d stay here?”
“It’s different from the last world. It would be difficult to make a home here, but we also haven’t seen the last level yet…I still think there must be a headquarters where the game makers create.”
“But you don’t think the kings, queens and jacks were game makers?”
“They created the games within the game, but I don’t believe they were the masterminds.”
“So then what happens to us if we stay here? We’re not the creators, yet we craft this game?” Niragi thinks it’s all so fucking confusing.
“If the same logic applies as the last world, then we’ll stay here and work on this game specifically. But I don’t know who or what the entities are that create the beginnings of the arenas. This place was brought into existence first, and only then could players enter it.”
Niragi wonders if Chishiya will ever be satisfied, and if the man will just continue to push for answers even if they stayed here.
“It’s quite funny that I cared very little before. I wanted the truth and actively sought it, but I was more invested in the fun of the games.”
“What changed?”
“The possibility of us being together for eternity. If we stay here we’ll be together forever, Suguru.”
Niragi admits that the idea of them never parting– that they’ll never end– is so fucking tempting. Niragi wants it; he wants it so badly at every reminder that forever is attainable. But he knows that he can’t take Chishiya’s life away. The man deserves to live.
“I’ll be happy if I’m just with you,” Niragi doesn’t think it’s a clear dismissal, but he also thinks it’s clear that he’s still against staying.
“I’m tired,” Chishiya yawns again, seemingly not upset, “Can we take a nap?”
“Aren’t you hungry? Dinner should be ready soon.”
“I’ll eat later,” Chishiya already sounds on the border of sleep even with being deep in conversation just seconds ago. “I’ve hardly been sleeping.”
Niragi guesses that sleep is just as important as eating, and if he gets the man to eat after his nap, then he’s not missing out on either.
“Then sleep, princess,” Niragi says, a soothing hand going back to pet down blonde hair, “I’ll be right here.”
“Good,” Chishiya breathes deeply, “I wouldn’t let you leave anyways.”
Niragi laughs, and it’s only about a minute later that Chishiya’s breaths even out into sleep, and the man snores softly against him.
It’s out of curiosity that Niragi picks up the book on the bed and inspects it critically. It honestly is fucking weird that it’s the only book of a different genre out of all the romance novels. And Niragi also thinks it’s extra fucking weird that all the books are love stories. He wonders what that’s trying to tell him, but he doesn’t want to question it.
He’s not quite sure if any of the others are noticing strange things. Because it really feels like everything is directed at him and Chi– Niragi mentally shakes his head to clear it of thoughts that just make him anxious, and decides to open the book.
He finds strange drawings on the blank page behind the cover that don’t make any sense. It looks like diagrams, but they have no meaning to Niragi, so he flips to the first page and starts reading.
He finds that it’s honestly pretty fucked up. It’s violent and crude and just a terrible fucking read. It’s goddamn sickening and depressing enough to bring his mood down…but he does see Chishiya’s point, as he just ends up flipping around the pages to the marked ones. He doesn’t need a reminder that the violence he inflicted is just as horrid as the suffering of the main character.
“The time would not pass. Somebody was playing with the clocks, and not only the electronic clocks, but the wind-up kind too. The second hand on my watch would twitch once, and a year would pass, and then it would twitch again. There was nothing I could do about it. As an Earthling I had to believe whatever clocks said– and calendars,” Niragi mouths the words quietly as he reads. It’s such a strange thing–Earthlings…Niragi can’t possibly believe it’s aliens. He moves on to another marked page.
“He has seen his birth and death many times, he says, and pays random visits to all the events in between. He says,” Niragi whispers the words.
It explains Chishiya’s theory of a non-linear loop, even if Niragi doesn’t quite understand what the man is trying to say.
His eyes skim the pages, and he finds he connects to the text more deeply than he’d like– snippets of trauma inflicting pain on the main character. Just as Niragi’s past comes to haunt him in flashes.
It’s quite a strange book to read, and it’s so clearly a critique on the horrors of war and violence. Niragi wonders why it doesn’t make Chishiya want to leave this place instead of causing the suffering of other people. The man believes they can create a world where people like them can find each other.
“So they were trying to re-invent themselves and their universe…” he reads quietly. And it makes him think of Chishiya’s desperation to create, and his interest in their change. They’ve come so far and are capable of so much more than they ever have been. And Niragi knows they’d do wonderfully here…but they just can’t.
“It is just an illusion here on Earth that one moment follows another one, like beads on a string, and that once a moment is gone, it is gone forever,” his eyes skim the page with deep thought. He imagines a life with Chishiya where time wasn’t a weight on them. Where their impending end– as Aguni says– will never come to pass.
Niragi sighs, and puts the book down on the nightstand. Chishiya sleeps soundly against him and he goes back to running his fingers through blonde hair, smiling at the soft little noise that escapes the man’s lips.
He feels so conflicted. He was so certain that they should return home. But Chishiya says they can be together forever, while Aguni says they’ll end. He struggles to comprehend the reality that they won’t always be side by side.
“He deserves life,” Niragi says out loud, perhaps with more volume than he should.
He just has to remind himself that his desires are selfish, and focus on Chishiya’s best interests. He thinks the pressure of creating games and watching death for eternity is no way for someone like Chishiya to live. Niragi is a sick bastard, and honestly might enjoy it. He could give a shit about random people, but it’s just another selfish desire.
He presses a kiss into Chishiya’s hair, and breathes in the scent of apples. He imagines a life where they live forever. It’s become so tempting by Chishiya’s alluring words.
“I’ll get you home,” Niragi whispers into the man’s hair. He won’t subject Chishiya to an eternity of cruelty. He kisses his head softly.
“I promise I’ll get you home.”
Notes:
If you’re interested in reading the novel I’ve referenced in this book…it’s a very rough read, very violent and vulgar. I read it in college, but as a sci-fi fan loved the concept of time and the non linear story telling.
Chishiya is too smart to not pick up on the clues 😉
Chapter Text
Chapter 24
When Niragi wakes up he’s alone.
He sits up groggily and groans, because his stitches still hurt and itch and all he wants to do is pick at them, but knows he’d be scolded by a worried and frazzled Chishiya.
Niragi leans across the bed and pulls open the curtain to find darkness, clustered with thousands of twinkling stars. It’s honestly fucking surprising that Chishiya left the bedroom, because he’s clearly not in the bathroom– door cracked open and light off. He might just be outside already staring at the stars. Niragi thinks the man deserves a break from the four walls of their small bedroom.
Niragi gets up off the bed carefully, and shivers at the cold air. There’s no heater this time– house too secure to let in the chill of a desert night– but he’s gotten so used to the warmth of the tent that it’s easier to feel the lower temperature than before. So he walks over to the closet and grabs one of the warm fluffy robes, no doubt put here by the game makers that just know shit. Niragi tries not to think about it like Chishiya.
He walks out into the dark hallway, but pauses when he hears voices– the unmistakable low timber of Chishiya’s lazy drawl and the soft eloquence of Kuina’s feminine tone.
“I think you should tell him, Chi.”
“If you want him to run off into the desert and never come back,” Chishiya scoffs, “He’s barely admitted to liking me, and I don’t think he even knows what that means to him.”
Niragi isn’t stupid; they’re talking about him. He really shouldn’t eavesdrop, but he wants to know what Chishiya refuses to tell him. He doesn’t want there to be any secrets between them.
“It’s clear he feels the same way–“
“He doesn’t yet, Kuina. And pushing him will only shut him down and bring us back to the beginning.”
“Love at first sight. Isn’t that what you’ve always said about him? It’s why you hated him so much.”
“I hated him because he made me feel I was absolutely nothing, and I envied his capacity to feel. I hated him for being everything I was not, and it wasn’t love, Kuina…more…fascination.”
“You literally never shut up about him. Everyday you’d ramble on about Niragi this, Niragi that,” Kuina says, sounding completely amused, “It's a shame he’s such a bastard when he’s so attractive. I literally can’t count each time you’ve said that on just my fingers and toes.”
“I still tried to kill him–“
“I think it was more your own insecurities that made you want to get rid of him. You always said the two of you were so alike, but you hated him so much because he wasn’t interested in you like you were him.”
“What is your point supposed to be?”
“Every day could be our last and it’s taken you coming to this place twice just to tell him you like him. Be honest, Chi. You’re in love with him. You were back then too–“
“Even when I wanted to kill him?”
“Especially when you wanted to kill him. No one has ever affected you the way Niragi has ever been capable of doing. You just didn’t know how to process it.”
Niragi slumps back against the wall and struggles to believe what he’s hearing, that Chishiya has liked him all this time– loved him, as Kuina says. He wonders why the man has never said anything before.
“It doesn’t matter how I feel about him. He’s not ready to hear it,” Chishiya sighs, “Niragi and I are far more complicated than being simply in love. We’re more than that, even if we’re just like any of those books on the shelf to them.”
“Them?” Kuina asks curiously, no doubt not understanding what he means, but Niragi already knows.
“The people who created this. They’re obsessed with Niragi and I don’t know how to protect him from them. This entire place was built for him. I just know it, Kuina.”
“That sounds crazy, Chi,” Kuina’s voice is gentle, and Niragi wonders if she can see the mania in the man’s eyes, “It’s designed to kill any of us. No one is directly trying to hurt Niragi.”
“You don’t understand,” Chishiya sounds frustrated, “There’s clues everywhere, and don’t you think it’s strange that so many of our challenges directly affect Niragi? It’s happened before.”
“I mean I guess other people have been here–“
“No, us, Kuina. We’ve already been here. We’ve already played this game, so they know how to manipulate us this time.”
“Chishiya,” Kuina says his name slowly, “I think your fears are confusing you. What you’re saying isn’t possible.”
“You just don’t understand.”
“I think I understand perfectly. You’re afraid to lose Niragi. But I understand, we’re all afraid to lose each other, so we have to protect each other from danger and–”
“I wouldn’t say I’m afraid to lose any of you if it means putting Niragi at risk.”
The conversation falls silent, and Niragi thinks it’s an incredibly horrible, heartless, fucked up thing to say to your supposed best friend. He stands there in the darkness of the hallways and waits, wondering if Kuina will get up to leave or start yelling at the man.
“I hope you know that I love you,” Kuina finally says, which surprises Niragi, “But I know that Niragi is your priority.”
“As Ann is yours,” Chishiya counters, “I do care for you, Kuina. And if Niragi weren’t in my life, you’d be the first person I’d fight for. I hope you understand my feelings for you.”
“That’s as much of an I love you as I think I’ll get,” Kuina laughs quietly, most likely to not wake anyone up. “Tell Niragi how you feel, okay? You've been pining after the guy since the moment you saw him.”
“There’s still a likelihood of him thinking I’m absolutely insane for my immediate affection. He absolutely hated me.”
“Well he doesn’t hate you anymore, Chi. He’ll probably be flattered.”
“We were living together. I never told you that,” Chishiya says, “I just wanted to be with him, to understand my mixed feelings…I absolutely despised him, but I wanted him so badly. He made me feel things I never have before.”
Niragi’s heart beats hard in his chest, and the noise is almost enough to drown out their voices. Chishiya wanted him. All this desperation and violence and urge to be wanted, and someone had all along. He almost feels horrible for not feeling the same.
“Please don’t stay here.”
“It’s the only way for us to always be together,” Chishiya says simply, “This place brought Niragi and I together, and we’ll do the same for others.”
“I’m starting to think you have a very unhealthy concept of love…just because you love him doesn’t mean you should hurt other people.”
“Why should anyone else matter?” Chishiya asks genuinely, and Niragi thinks it’s surprising that he’s the one who understands that better than the other man, “It’s already more than enough caring about you too, and it's not like I want any of the others to die either. But I know my priorities.”
“Then talk to him and tell him how you feel,” Kuina sighs, “You never know what might happen–“
“Nothing is going to happen. I won’t let it.”
Niragi has to agree with Chishiya, and he finds it irritating that people keep insinuating that they won’t make it, because they will.
“Just finish your dinner. You haven’t been eating.”
“I’ll take it into the bedroom with Niragi’s food. He needs to eat too.”
Niragi takes that as his cue to leave, so he hurries back to his bedroom, closing the door quietly and getting back into bed. His heart beats quickly as he processes this revelation. He’s not sure how to handle Chishiya’s feelings for him, because now it’s even more heavenly that it’s been since the beginning. He wants to confront Chishiya about it, but knows that he shouldn’t have been eavesdropping in the first place.
He closes his eyes when he hears the door open again and pretends to be asleep, even when the man sits on the bed next to him and brushes some hair from his face.
“Wake up, Suguru,” Chishiya’s voice is soft, and suddenly there’s lips on his cheek. He has a strange urge to turn his face and meet the man in the middle, but knows he shouldn’t.
“Where’d you go?” Niragi asks, trying to make his voice thick with sleep. He opens his eyes slowly and meets Chishiya’s eyes, reminded that the man has always liked him. He just doesn’t know how he’s supposed to feel about it– that even at his worst someone wanted him, someone saw something in him worth admiring.
“I brought dinner,” Chishiya says, a hand running down the soft material of the collar of the robe, “Did you get cold?”
“I should probably start wearing a shirt,” Niragi feels his face heat up when Chishiya’s hand slips beneath the robe to rest over the skin of his chest not covered by bandages.
The man shakes his head, a vulpine grin on his face, “I prefer you shirtless.”
Niragi is sure he might be bright red, “You don’t want to look at me like this. I keep getting worse,” he tries to joke, but Chishiya’s other hand just finds the right side of his face, fingers running over his rough and deformed skin. “I know I’m not the best to look at–“
“I like looking at you,” Chishiya says quietly, fingers tracing his scarred cheekbone, “I did this to you…Do you see me whenever you look in the mirror? Or is that just me hoping I’m the only thought in your head?”
“I don’t think about anything else.”
“Or anyone?”
“Or anyone,” Niragi leans into the touch, “I have very little room in my dumb brain for anyone or anything other than you.”
Chishiya laughs delicately, “You’re a diamond’s player. You’re not dumb…but I am smarter.”
“Yeah a fucking smartass.” Niragi is surprised by himself for being so comfortable teasing the man. He finds it only recently that he's been capable of such carefree conversation.
“But I’m sure it’s cute. Don’t you think?” Chishiya must know that the question is enough to make Niragi want to combust. He’s never even looked at the man’s ass before, but thinks that maybe he wants to be able to answer this question.
“I–uh– everything about you is cute,” Niragi feels a bit stunned at Chishiya’s bright smile, eyes crinkled in the corners. He still doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to seeing such intense emotions on the man’s face.
“Cuter than anyone? Even when there’s Usagi? You know I always hated how small I’ve always been, but she’s absurdly tiny.”
“I don’t– who the hell cares how small she is?” Niragi doesn’t give a fuck about Usagi’s height or how skinny she is. And it’s impossible to compare her to Chishiya anyways, when the man is a man, and even as the smallest of the men, is still masculinely fit in a way the women of their group clearly aren’t.
“Well there had to be something appealing about her for you to be so obsessed.”
“I wouldn’t say I was obsessed…But I don’t know, she hated me, and that pissed me off. I don’t fucking know.”
Chishiya suddenly seems irritated, and Niragi doesn’t understand the complete shift in mood, “She wasn’t the only person there that hated you.”
Niragi resists showing the hurt on his face at Chishiya’s harsh words. He knows that it’s true; everyone fucking hated him. Except Chishiya liked him, and he thinks that’s all that should matter. “It doesn’t really matter anymore. Usagi and I are close now.”
“Well if you’re so close, then maybe you should sleep in her room,” Chishiya hisses angrily, and stands up so quickly that Niragi doesn’t even have time to process that they’re not touching anymore. “I’m sleeping on the couch.”
“Wait a second,” Niragi grabs Chishiya’s wrist, but the man rips his arm away angrily, “Shun–“
“Fuck off,” Chishiya snaps at him, and the vulgar language is a shock to Niragi. And he just watches helplessly as the man leaves the bedroom, and he thinks the door was only not slammed, because it would’ve alerted everyone else of their “fight.”
“What the fuck,” Niragi says out loud, because what the fuck? He wants to go after Chishiya to fix whatever the hell he’s done, because he knows that Chishiya hasn’t done anything wrong. But he’s too nervous to put himself in a position to be on the receiving end of the man’s anger. He’s never witnessed such blatant anger from the other before.
He stares at the tray of food, feeling guilty for keeping Chishiya from eating a proper meal, and he feels so terrible now that he doesn’t want to eat. But it’s totally fucked up to waste food that is so precious to them, so he forces himself to eat everything on both plates. It doesn’t matter how it makes him feel sick with the way his stomach flips in nervousness from Chishiya’s cruel words, he’s not going to disrespect Aguni’s efforts to get them food.
And the urge to take the plates and utensils back to the kitchen just to catch a glimpse of Chishiya is tempting, but he thinks he should give the man space, and instead gets beneath the covers and stares at the stars out the window.
He wonders if Chishiya is watching them twinkle too, and what the man is thinking about. Niragi has no idea what the fuck he did to make the other so angry– It’s why he sits up suddenly, and decides that he has to do something to make it up to Chishiya.
Niragi gets off the bed and into the closet, changing into the fresh clothes that are most likely for when they decide to leave again, but he can’t do this during the day, everyone will try to stop him.
He almost fucking laughs when he grabs the backpack and sees a flashlight in one of the mesh side pockets. He shakes his head in disbelief, “You’re seriously fucking with us, aren’t you? Can you at least help me out then?”
He sneaks past the bedroom doors and kitchen, and is just relieved he doesn’t have to go past the living room when he makes it to the front door. He puts on his boots outside, not wanting the sound of the heavy soles on the floor to thump and alert anyone that he’s sneaking out.
He has a flashlight and a hunting knife, and he looks up at the sky and feels absolutely stupid as fuck for talking to them, “Look man, I’m still fucking healing and would really appreciate no zombies tonight.” He sighs heavily, “I’m going fucking insane.”
Niragi doesn’t talk up to the sky any longer, and makes his way down the large dune, and past the green laser gate that keeps them safe. It’s fucking dark, but he’s grateful for the moon shining down on the streets.
He moves slowly, carefully, and listens closely for any groans or clicking teeth as he makes it back into the city. He really has no idea where to fucking go, but guesses he’ll just have to search around.
Niragi’s boots crunch in the sand, so he slows his steps to make less sound. He struggles to see in the dark, but doesn’t think he should use his flashlight and alert any zombies that might be lurking around.
Niragi knows he’s being completely fucking stupid, but he wants to apologize even if he doesn’t know what he’s done, and he knows this is the perfect way.
He passes a few buildings that have very little to do with what he needs as he stealthily moves past them. There’s lots of hotels and apartment complexes, coffee shops and restaurants, but he passes those by weaving through the streets, because they’re of little importance. Niragi looks down at his watch and sees that the sun is rising in four hours, so he doesn’t have much time to do what he needs and come back.
He makes his way through a side street, knife in his hand as he walks on the sandy asphalt of the dark path. And he carefully peeks around the corner– Niragi is immediately hiding back in the darkness.
His heart hammers in his chest and he’s about to turn back when he notices something….It’s completely silent.
Niragi barely looks around the corner this time, and much to his surprise the cluster of zombies are completely still. There’s no groaning or mouths snapping, no scraping of sand as they drag their feet. They’re just simply standing there with their faces up to the sky and staring at the moon.
He notices a trashcan on the other side of the narrow alley, quietly moving over to grab a glass bottle. He throws it as far away from himself as possible, and when it hits the ground it shatters loudly, but the zombies don’t even react.
It might just be sheer stupidity that makes him walk out into the street. He kicks some sand with his foot and the sound of his shoes dragging across the asphalt should’ve been loud enough to alert them, but nothing happens.
Niragi still keeps his weapon ready as he walks up towards the cluster of at least ten of them. They just stand there, even as he’s right in front of them, and he observes their milky eyes, a complete lack of pupils and irises, as the zombies stare up at the moon.
“Well this changes things,” Niragi says out loud, just to test their awareness again, because he’s sort of in disbelief. He lifts a hand and snaps his fingers in front of one of the zombies, and once again, nothing.
He looks past the cluster, and almost laughs, because of course. Across from him is a Japanese convenience store, in a place that isn’t even Japan, with a poster on the glass of Meiji chocolate. “Is this psychological warfare, or did you actually want me to get this for him too?” He asks up to the sky, and there’s no surprise that there isn’t an answer. “Would it be too much to ask for you to keep looking out for him?” He’s met with silence once again.
Niragi is a bit less worried about the zombies now, but he still moves quickly while he shoves all the best snacks and drinks into the backpack. He figures since he wandered around the city for an hour, he’s got at least two to get back before the sun starts to rise. He’s not exactly sure when the zombies will “wake up.”
He focuses on the gps to guide him to the checkpoint, and even if he’s stuck in this shitty world, it’s sort of peaceful to be on his own. And it’s the first time he’s realized that he’s really never been alone since the hospital, other than those few miserable days between being discharged and to Chishiya living with him.
“I’m going to kill you, Niragi Suguru!” Chishiya is standing on the doorstep with Kuina when Niragi makes it over the large dune to the house, and the man breaks free from her hold to rush over to him, crashing against him with a sob. “You idiot! Where the hell did you go!”
“I got you chocolate– ow!” Niragi stumbles back at the harsh smack to his chest. He’s still injured and isn’t Chishiya the one who’s been harassing him about being careful with the stitches?
“You are the most moronic man I’ve ever met in my entire life!” Chishiya’s eyes are rimmed red as the man stares up at him, “Who the hell do you think you are!”
“Look, it’s good I went. I fou– fuck ow stop!” Niragi grabs Chishiya’s hands tightly when the man smacks him again, “I’m alive, alright–“
“I swear you– agh! Idiot!” Chishiya sneers at him angrily, pulling his hands free, and then turns abruptly, stomping back into the house.
“You are literally an idiot, Niragi,” Kuina sighs heavily, “I had to practically restrain him from going after you.”
“I just wanted to make up with him,” Niragi thinks she likely knows that they argued.
“This is why you two are going to give me gray hairs. Learn how to communicate like rational adults, please,” Kuina rubs between the bridge of her nose like she’s getting a headache, “Hurry up and get inside.”
Niragi listens without any snarky comments, because he’d rather not fight with Kuina when there’s already Chishiya to worry about. The man might actually pull out his stitches and let him bleed out just to teach him a lesson.
He kicks off his boots in the entryway and follows Kuina into the house, but she stops in the kitchen, turning to him and giving him some type of look, “He’s too fragile for you to be doing those things, even if I know you were alright…Chishiya isn’t the same man he used to be.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Niragi runs a hand through his hair and lets out a heavy breath, “I don’t even recognize him sometimes.” Even if he honestly likes the man better this way– someone who cares about him.
“Chishiya just doesn’t know how to process his emotions. He’s extremely intelligent…but I wouldn’t say emotionally intelligent. He’s incredibly stunted compared to us– but you’re also pretty dumb.”
“Thanks,” he says dryly, but he can’t disagree with her on that, “I don’t know what the hell you want me to do. I’m already trying to keep him from losing his mind here.”
“I think disappearing in the middle of the night just to get your boyfriend chocolate when there’s zombies to worry about isn’t the smartest move.”
It’s just Kuina assuming, but when he doesn’t try to argue with her, he thinks that says enough about what’s happening between him and Chishiya.
“What did you two fight about?” Kuina asks, but Niragi just raises an eyebrow in disbelief.
“I’m surprised he didn’t tell you.”
“Oh he did, but I want to know why you think he was mad.”
“How the hell am I supposed to know?” Niragi asks defensively, “It’s like he’s even harder to fucking read than he was before. He’s a goddamn hurricane, and sometimes I feel like he just expects me to know exactly how he’s feeling. But he also won’t just fucking tell me what’s making him angry. Can’t you just tell me?”
“I don’t think it’s my place to do that,” Kuina says, which just pisses Niragi off because why is this shit so goddamn complicated?
“I never thought having a fucking boyfriend would be so difficult,” Niragi’s cheeks feel warm because he’s never admitted to any of them that his relationship with Chishiya surpasses friendship.
“I think it’s more to do with the fact that Chishiya is your boyfriend,” Kuina laughs, but it quickly transforms into a yawn, and it makes him wonder how long she’s been up trying to keep Chishiya from running after him, “I’m going back to bed. Good luck, Niragi.”
Niragi watches her go, and doesn’t think that’s very reassuring. He actually considers that the other man will murder him now. So he makes his way to the bedroom, and sighs when he sees the lump beneath the covers on their bed.
“Shuntaro,” Niragi says softly, but feels an honest spine-tingling chill when the man wiggles beneath the covers, head popping out to his nose, and glares fiercely.
Niragi puts his backpack down, opening the main zipper and pulling out a Meiji chocolate bar. Chishiya’s eyes narrow at it, but instead of an animated reaction at another clue like he expected, the man just turns over, back to Niragi.
“I’m sorry, okay? I just thought it’d make you feel better…I’ve never seen you so angry before.”
Chishiya doesn’t respond, and Niragi sighs when the man just slides deeper beneath the covers until all that pretty blonde hair is covered.
“What the hell do you want from me?” Niragi sits on the foot of the bed in irritation, “You freaked out on me and I don’t know why, Chishiya. I shouldn’t have left, but you’re acting like some psycho– ow!” He winces when the man kicks his hip hard from beneath the covers, and it takes all his self control to not drag Chishiya out and force the man to talk to him. “How am I supposed to know what to fix if I don’t even know what needs fixing?” He swiftly stands up before Chishiya can successfully kick him again. He’s definitely getting pissed now, “You’re acting like a fucking child.” He watches as Chishiya just curls up into a ball on the bed, and he runs a tired hand down his face when he hears a sniffle. “When you want to actually talk, then come find me.”
Niragi grabs the backpack from the floor and leaves the bedroom feeling like he wants to break everything in his path. He’s only slightly dumb, okay, like he knows he shouldn’t have left. He should’ve thought that out before deciding to find fucking chocolate. But Chishiya was acting like a little bitch even before that, so Niragi has a right to be mad.
The sun is starting to rise as he pours water into the kettle to start making coffee. He assumes that everyone will be sleeping for a while, now that there’s so much more comfort than before. But he’s already charged up with energy at his discovery, and knows it’s very likely that they could leave for the next checkpoint tonight.
He looks down at his watch while he waits for the water to boil and frowns, “You wanted me to figure it out, didn’t you?”
Niragi may have learned that the zombies are basically statues during the night, but the next checkpoint will easily take more than twelve hours to reach, and that doesn’t take into account how long it will take to get the key. It doesn’t matter when they leave, they’ll still have to travel through the day, so deciding on when to go and what portion of it will be during the night will take careful consideration.
“You guys are totally fucking with us,” Niragi mutters, and thinks he might actually be going insane for talking to them. Chishiya isn’t even that crazy yet.
He makes his coffee while he’s deep in thought, trying to create a plan, but feeling like it doesn’t really matter; something horrible will still happen. He thinks there’s going to be more zombies than they’ve faced so far, and that traveling through the day is going to be incredibly more difficult.
He leans against the kitchen counter, drinking his coffee and tries not to let himself freak out, because it doesn’t matter if they’re fighting, Chishiya is his everything and he’ll do whatever he can to keep the man safe. The chocolate sort of makes him feel like it’s a threat, look what we can give you so easily, we can take it away just as quickly.
“You’re up already?”
Niragi looks over to find Usagi sleepily walking into the kitchen, hair sticking up in odd places and a pillow mark on her cheek. He smiles, glad that everyone can sleep so well here.
“If I’m honest, I never went to sleep.”
“And is that counter full of soda and candy the reason for it?” She puts her hands on her hips and sighs at him, “Niragi, you can’t leave on your own. I already scolded Aguni for it.”
“I needed to find something for Chishiya,” Niragi is already certain he looks upset, and she must know something is wrong because her head tilts at him in consideration.
“I think he’d really rather you be safe,” Usagi walks up to him and rests against the counter beside him. She stares up at him with her wide eyes, just waiting and expecting for him to share.
“I don’t know what the hell I did. I mean I know I left, but he was pissed off before that. We’re not like you and Arisu. We have fucking problems and– are you crying?”
She wipes at her eyes furiously, and Niragi still doesn’t know how to deal with crying people, so he just stands there awkwardly.
“I’m pregnant,” Usagi says quietly, but Niragi hears her like she’s just screamed it.
“What?” Niragi asks, because he doesn’t know what else to fucking say, because like, why is this his problem right now?
“That night at my apartment with the girls, remember?” Usagi asks him, and he just nods dumbly, still not fully processing what he’s just heard, “Arisu came over after and I just thought about what Kuina said…it didn’t really make sense to wait. I’m not on birth control and then I never got my period, and I was going to buy a test when we went into town, but I didn’t tell Arisu and then we ended up here and– and–,” she stops talking, voice a bit wet. “I feel s-so stupid.”
“You’re not stupid–“ Niragi awkwardly puts an arm around her shoulders when she slumps against him, “That was like in the span of a week, Usagi. You might just be freaking out over nothing and we can ask Chishiya–“
“You shouldn’t even know,” she buries her face against his chest and cries, “We can’t tell anyone.”
“I– okay,” Niragi doesn’t know what else to say, even if they should most definitely be telling Arisu and having Chishiya check for symptoms– if she can get any here. “I don’t– um– what do you need?”
“I took a test from the grocery story,” Usagi’s voice is muffled as she cries into the linen of his shirt. He runs a soothing hand down her back, even if he wonders how she isn’t repulsed at him touching her like this. “I’m too scared to take it.”
“Is that even going to work here?” He seriously doesn’t think something like that can even work when he’s pretty certain they’re not actually in their bodies.
It’s how Niragi stands next to Usagi uncomfortably as they wait for the digital test to do whatever the fuck it needs to do. Her hand is in his, squeezing tightly and he really feels like he isn’t the person who should be doing this.
“What if I really am?” She asks, voice weak and so different from the woman who he’s come to know.
“Then we get you home. Arisu too,” Niragi doesn’t think there’s any other option, and he’ll do whatever the hell he can to get them back home.
“Please don’t tell anyone,” she begs, and he just squeezes her hand back reassuringly because it’s not his secret to tell.
“It’s going to be fi–“ Niragi’s words dry up on his tongue as his eyes go fucking wide when the test beeps.
Because Niragi has to fight to keep the panic off his face, and while Usagi’s question might still be unanswered, he now knows for certain that Chishiya is correct– that they’ve always meant to come here.
He stares down at the pregnancy test, and at the image of a simple Joker symbol digitized at them mockingly.
“What is that even supposed to mean?” Usagi asks, fear thick in her voice.
That Chishiya is right, Niragi thinks, because they’ve been chosen for this game. They were killed again just to play this game. That this has gotten so much more fucking complicated now that Niragi knows the game makers know every fucking step, every fucking thought, every fucking breath they fucking take.
It’s not just him and Chishiya that they want. It’s all of them. But still, for some goddamn reason, they’re making sure Niragi fucking knows it. And why is it all his fucking responsibility to keep everyone together– as Usagi cries against him. Niragi wants to tell her to suck it up, because like, it’s clearly a psychological trick; she’s not pregnant. It’s not even possible here and it’s not even that likely in the real world. This Joker is just feeding off her fears and amplifying them, just how it is with Chishiya, just like the shadows in the jungle.
Niragi stares at the Joker symbol with a strange feeling in his gut. He doesn’t think he should tell Chishiya. It’ll only increase the man’s paranoia, and he doesn’t think it’s information for anyone else either. It wouldn’t do them any good for everyone to be fearful of this…cosmic fucking force.
He suddenly wonders if he even has any free will, or if this Joker really does just know everything. This is dangerous knowledge to have, and he hopes Usagi knows they have to keep this private to keep the mental health of their group from disintegrating.
“I’ll make you a cup of coffee, okay? We can go outside and watch the sunrise, get some fresh air,” Niragi suggests, because he’s just trying to think of something normal and relaxing when everything is so abnormal and stressful. “Okay?”
“…okay…” Usagi’s voice is just a whisper, because he doesn’t think it’s very steady with how she’s been crying.
“Go sit on the patio and I’ll be there in a minute,” Niragi gently gives her a bit of instruction, thinking she’s too distraught to make much of a decision right now. And he quickly starts reheating the water while she disappears around the corner towards the living room. He sighs heavily, leaning over the counter with his head dropped down. He doesn’t even want to look at the fucking symbol again, but he does, and it fills him with even more dread than before. Niragi feels something like hatred bubbling up inside of him, “Who the hell are you? Why the hell do you want us?”
He just takes the test and shoves it all the way to the bottom of the trash in the hopes that no one will find it.
“What the hell do I have to do to keep him alive?” Niragi asks, as he stares at the purpling sky, “Can’t you just leave us alone?” He’s definitely going fucking bonkers now that’s he’s actively talking to the Joker– a card they never played, he realizes suddenly. Niragi’s fists clench, “Who the hell are you?”
He wonders if they’re the only group that got thrusted into a new game venue, or if the Joker is only interested in them this time. He definitely can’t fucking tell Chishiya.
“Look if you just keep him alive, I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll kill whoever you want, and I’ll build your stupid fucking games, just send him home so he can fucking live. Don’t give him a choice,” Niragi begs pathetically, fingernails digging into his palms.
The ringing kettle breaks him from his spiral, and he quickly takes it off the heat to not wake anyone up. Niragi makes the coffee with shaking hands, and thinks he has to get control of himself before everyone else gets up to start the day.
He stands there for a moment and takes a deep breath, watching the sun start to peek over the dunes. He sighs, and thinks this is what the Joker has been waiting for all along,
“Send him home and you can fucking have me, alright?”
He hears a beep from the trash can and barely resists slamming his head against the cabinets.
“God fucking dammit.”
Amazing artwork by @Enuma_eyelash96 💗
Notes:
You thought I forgot about the Joker didn’t you!!!!
And Chishiya has always been in love???? Wtf???
And Usagi is falling apart now???
(Also too lazy to make graphics 😮💨)
Chapter 25
Notes:
That green eyed monster
Chapter Text
Chapter 25
“I think it’s just paranoia,” Niragi says, trying to calm the woman beside him as she still sniffles. He digs his feet into the cold sand and just wants it to swallow him whole because what the fuck is his life. “The Joker is manipulating you.”
“Haven’t you noticed all the signs? The bloody strollers and baby toys on the floor of the zoo? The pictures of families with their children in the bank offices? And in the jungle. It told me we weren’t safe…” Usagi’s hand rests on her stomach, “How does he know?”
Niragi honestly hasn’t noticed shit, but he also doesn’t think he’s meant to. This type of psychological torture is directed at Usagi, just like Chishiya has meant to spiral into the ramblings of genius from fucking curry and chocolate, and Aguni was meant to lose Heiya. He can’t help wondering who else is falling apart.
“How are you so certain it’s a man– nevermind. It doesn’t fucking matter.” Niragi thinks the Joker could be anything, and a simple human just doesn’t make sense. He tenses when Usagi’s hand finds his, fingers intertwining in the course sand. Touch just isn’t natural to him, not in the way it is with Chishiya, but if she’s seeking him out for comfort, then she fucking needs it.
“The others–“
“It will only worry them. We can’t have the group falling apart over theories.”
“Is it really a theory when we know it’s the final card?”
“We don’t know anything beyond that,” Niragi sighs, closing his eyes when the sun shines above the dunes, “It’s just like any other game.” He tries not to think about how he’s being communicated with, and he wonders if he was before too. But this time he made a deal that he doesn’t think he can back out on. He’s staying in exchange for Chishiya’s life.
“I can’t die here,” Usagi whispers, but he still hears her, “I-if it’s true, then I can’t die here.”
“It’s more than likely that they’re just fucking with you,” Niragi says again, and much less kindly this time, “They want to get in your head so you fail, but if they succeed and you die, you’re leaving behind more than some imaginary fucking kid.”
“Why is it that you’re exactly what I need right now?”
“Because I won’t fucking coddle you like everyone else. Because I’m not going to freak the fuck out and make this something it doesn’t even have to be. If you’re fucking pregnant, then we have no way of knowing– not here. So just focus on surviving.”
“How can I not think about it?”
“Think about it all you fucking want, Usagi, but it’s not going to help. We’re stuck here, trapped in time, and everything is against us,” Niragi feels strange with her hand in his, “The Joker is counting on you losing yourself– your will to live. It wants to finish the job it couldn’t last time. You guys wanted to go home so fucking bad, so go home.”
“You don’t want to?” Usagi asks curiously, and he sees her looking at him from the corner of his eye.
“I want to get Chishiya home,” Niragi says, not feeling like going into more detail about how he feels here and how different it was to how he felt back there. It doesn’t really matter anymore now that he has to stay. “That’s all I care about.”
“It feels like something has changed since the last time we talked.”
“If I end up fucking loving him, I’m sure as hell not admitting it to anyone else first,” Niragi feels slightly successful when he manages to make her laugh softly, “But I guess things have. He– uh– likes me. But you guys probably knew that already, huh?”
“Chishiya has really only seemed like he’s capable of most things when he’s with you. I think it was obvious to us that he felt strongly for you.”
“I feel like things are moving so fast, but also like it’s taken way too fucking long to get here,” Niragi sighs heavily, “He’s even harder to read than he was before. It’s like he wants me to just know what he’s thinking…he’s always been so good at making me feel stupid. I’m fucking confused.”
“Does he know that?” Usagi asks, and Niragi stays silent because he doesn’t know, “He expects a lot of you, when he’s never expected much from anyone.”
“How the hell do you know that? The two of you aren’t close.”
“I don’t think Chishiya expects people to be capable of very much, which is why he’s always chosen to manipulate instead of having faith in them,” Usagi says, a quite accurate assessment of the man, “I don’t have to be close to him to see that, especially after what he did to Arisu…but with you he’s choosing to give his heart. It’s something he’s never done before, so he wants you to meet him in the middle, and maybe even beyond that…Chishiya is so smart, and I don’t think he’d waste his time with someone who doesn’t reach his intellect, so he expects you to know what he’s feeling.”
“Kuina said he lacked emotional intelligence.”
Usagi hums in thought, “He’s definitely not experienced with emotions. And doing something out of character for him was jumping in front of a bullet…I think he’s a very all or nothing kind of guy when it comes to this kind of stuff.”
Niragi thinks that Usagi has a point. When it comes to Chishiya the man either feels so deeply or almost nothing at all. He’s still an extremely apathetic person, but he’s also so full of emotions that he shines.
“It’s not fair of him to assume you just know his thoughts and feelings, but I also don’t think you’re very aware.”
Niragi tilts his head in consideration, “What do you mean?”
“You’re stuck in your own head. You always have been,” Usagi’s simple assessment of him also isn’t wrong, but it has him at a loss of how to change. “Listen to his words. See his actions. Try to understand why he feels the way he does from his perspective.”
“But if I don’t know how he’s feeling, then how can I do that?”
“You have to pick up on the cues. Just watch his reactions.”
“Fuck why is it so fucking hard to do all this emotional bullshit. If I knew how complicated it was going to be I wouldn’t have even started whatever the hell we are,” Niragi complains, even if they both know it’s a lie. He’d never change what’s happened between him and Chishiya. He looks over at Usagi and doesn’t quite understand the expression on her face, “What?”
“It’s just nice to see this side of you. It makes me sad that this wasn’t the you I met.”
“Yeah, well I was a piece of shit,” Niragi grumbles, “You’re fucking insane for even sitting next to me alone. You should be trying to kill me.”
“I’ve gotten to know who you really are. Why would I ever want to hurt you? It would just continue this cycle of abuse you’ve been trapped in,” Usagi says, and he hates that everyone just knows he was a weak bitch who let himself live a shitty life.
“I did everything done to me. It sort of felt like I was finally able to get back at the world and I loved it…but when we came back I just– that part of me that wasn’t so horrible just knew I deserved everything that’s happened to me– and more,” Niragi sighs, “And now that we’re here it’s like I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know if I should hate myself or just be okay with who I am. I struggle to regret the past when it gave me so much, but it poisoned me too and I don’t want that feeling again.”
“Maybe you should try loving yourself,” Usagi comes closer, wrapping her other arm around him in a gentle embrace, “You should accept who you are. It’s brought you to the person you are now. Pain changes us, Niragi. We all react differently.”
“How can you say that after what I did to you?” He thinks of the other women at the Beach, and how willing they were to please him, but he knew it was because they were just as afraid as they were enamored by him. None of them fought him, but that doesn’t make it any better.
“I keep thinking back to our conversation in level one,” Usagi says, pulling away from the brief hug, but their hands still touch, “How I’ll never forget and how I don’t want to forgive you for it. That hasn’t changed, but it’s hard to hold onto grudges in a place like this. There’s no room for hate when we have to survive.”
Niragi thinks he should probably just shut the hell up and let her think the way she wants, because he sure as hell thinks what he’s done is enough to have her put a bullet in his head. But he supposes people like Usagi see the best in people, while someone like Niragi only sees the worst. He'd never be able to work together if their roles were reversed. “Don’t let the Joker get to you,” is what he decides to say. He thinks they could go around in circles.
“I’m glad that you know too. I can’t imagine keeping this all to myself…but it doesn’t feel right keeping it from the others.”
“It’ll just cause panic,” Niragi says, “Can you imagine what the hell everyone will think knowing we’ve been chosen to come back?” It once again makes him wonder if others are in different games too, or if it really is them that are wanted by the Joker. Niragi can handle being wanted for whatever fucked up reason, but not when they think they can have Chishiya too. “We should go inside.” He’s pretty sure his feet are frozen, but he can already feel the air heating up.
He helps her stand with a gentle hand, and tries to brush off as much sand as he can before going back into the house, but he’s pretty sure he just tracks it in anyways. It’s hard for any of them to keep sand out of the house when they’re in the desert.
“It smells good in here,” Usagi says, and Niragi breathes in the scent of cooking food, “Kuina is probably up.”
But it’s honestly more of a surprise to find Chishiya in the kitchen cooking multiple things on all four burners. There’s eggs, bacon, hashbrowns and pancakes. It’s a goddamn feast, and Niragi is once again praising whoever invented freeze-dried, mixed and canned foods.
He tries not to think about how the man is using so much of their supply, but if they do end up leaving tonight it doesn’t really matter.
“Morning,” Niragi says, and instead of getting closer just freezes at the anger in Chishiya’s eyes when the man glances over at him. “You’re cooking…” he’s not sure what to say when Chishiya is still so obviously angry.
“I’m fully capable of cooking for us like anyone else is,” Chishiya says coldly, narrowing his eyes at Usagi who looks extremely caught off guard by his hostility.
“Chishiya,” Niragi has a warning in his voice, because the man can be totally angry with him, but doesn’t have a right to take it out on Usagi. He looks over at her and she meets his stare with understanding.
“I’m going to go see if Arisu is awake,” Usagi quickly makes herself scarce, avoiding Chishiya’s death stare that lasts until she disappears around the corner.
“Be mad at me, but don’t be a dick to other people,” Niragi says, and stands his ground when Chishiya’s eyes flicker towards him heatedly, “What’s wrong?”
“Am I disrupting your morning?” Chishiya turns his nose up and focuses back on cooking, “Why don’t you go sit outside with Usagi some more since I’m such a dick.”
“That’s not–“ Niragi shakes his head in disbelief, “Were you fucking watching us?”
Chishiya doesn’t say anything, and the sizzle of the pan as he turns over a piece of bacon seems far too loud.
“I don’t know what you want from me. I know I shouldn’t have left last night, but you were so upset I just wanted to make you feel better.”
“You risked your life for chocolate,” Chishiya says, back turned to him.
“I risked my life for you. You think I’d go fucking out there for anyone?”
“You wouldn’t do it for anyone else?” Chishiya asks, voice incredibly small, and Niragi feels like each day with the man is like being in a fucking upside down world.
“Fuck no,” Niragi risks getting his face clawed off or something and steps up behind Chishiya, arms snaking around the man’s waist and pressing a kiss into blonde hair. Chishiya melts against him and Niragi smiles, “I’m surprised you’re cooking.”
“I thought I proved to you in your apartment that I’m completely capable of cooking for you. You don’t always have to rely on Usagi.”
“I wouldn’t have been able to cook for you if she didn’t show me how to fry vegetables. She didn’t teach me anything more than that.”
“Well I’ll be cooking for you from now on. And I’ll teach you.”
“You don’t have to take on every meal. It’s our responsibility to all help each other out–“
“You don’t need anyone else to do anything for you. You have me.”
“Alright, alright,” Niragi laughs softly, because Chishiya is being so completely strange, but he’s just glad the man isn’t mad anymore.
“Where’d you find all that stuff?” Chishiya asks, and he thinks the other is referring to all the snacks on the counter.
“Can you believe there was a Japanese convenience store in this fucking place? You’re fucking right, babe.”
Chishiya leans back against Niragi, even as he moves onto making another pancake, “I’m always right.”
“It’s not like last time. No one was trying to talk to us.”
“I’m curious to know what the players who stayed faced. I’d like to see how they created their card games.”
“You think they were communicated with?”
“Of course they were. They’d need guidance…”
“But you don’t think they know either?”
“I don’t think they were important enough to know. Their card games were crafted by them, and the grand design was built around their involvement. But the actual creator hasn’t given them power beyond that.”
“So what happens to us?” Niragi asks, curious to know Chishiya’s theory now that he’s staying. “Will we know the truth?”
“There’s no way to know that yet…but when we reach the end and stay, then it’s very likely we will. They’re reaching out to us this time, so we must be important.”
Chishiya has a way of making Niragi think that they actually are important here, even if he’d rather just believe they had a bad stroke of luck and ended up here again, only to reach the end and go home, and never come back. But he thinks that’s just foolish hope by now.
“It doesn’t make sense that the– they want all of us. What’s so fucking special about us?”
“They only want you, and perhaps me,” Chishiya answers, not noticing Niragi’s slip-up. He turns off the burners except for the pancakes as he finishes the batter, “The others are just accessories to us.”
“You can’t believe that their lives hold no meaning,” Niragi doesn’t want to believe something so cruel.
“I never said that.”
But that doesn’t mean you don’t believe it, is the first thought that pops into Niragi’s head.
“I won’t let them have you,” Chishiya says, a hand going over Niragi’s on his stomach.
“Wouldn’t that mean they want me to stay and work for them?”
“They like a good show, and we gave it to them last time. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re doing everything in their power to watch you fail.”
“I thought they kept me alive?” Niragi teases, even if there’s very little to joke about when their lives are on the line.
“Only to get you here,” Chishiya huffs in annoyance, but still sounds amused and Niragi feels successful for brightening his mood, “Stop being an idiot. I’m trying to be serious.”
Niragi smiles and buries his face in blonde hair, voice muffled by the long strands, “Sorry.”
“What were you and Usagi talking about?”
“You,” Niragi says honestly, “You’re all I seem to fucking talk about.”
“I’m the only thing that should be on your mind,” Chishiya puts the last pancake on the stack and turns off the stove. The blonde turns around in Niragi’s arms and stares up at him, fingers sliding up his bandaged chest, “Are you in pain?”
“It itches, but it doesn’t hurt until I stretch too much,” Niragi’s hands rest on Chishiya’s slender hips. “You patched me up good.”
“I hate to think about what they can’t do for you. You’re lucky you’re with me.”
Niragi thinks it’s good that Chishiya is beginning to understand how he contributes to the group. “You just keep saving my life.”
“Who else will?”
Niragi isn’t so sure that the others would do what Chishiya has done for him. He knows that they’d fight for each other, but not like Chishiya.
“It smells good in here.”
Niragi pulls away from Chishiya awkwardly when Ann walks into the room, but she doesn’t seem to be fazed by either of them. He doesn’t think he really cares that much either, which is why he leaves one of his hands on the man’s hips. “Chishiya cooked for us.”
“For you,” Ann immediately goes to the coffee maker and fills herself a cup, “He was just nice enough to make enough for the rest of us.”
Neither of the men say anything, but there isn’t much to be said as everyone else starts trailing in after her, likely woken up by the smell of food. Niragi fights back his confusion when Chishiya doesn’t let anyone help, and instead plates breakfast for everyone to take to the living room.
“So I went into the city last night…” Niragi nibbles on a piece of bacon, while he sits on the couch, Chishiya on the ground leaning back between his legs.
“Because you’re an idiot,” Kuina points out and he sighs, because he understands that he made a less than intelligent decision, but he’s not going to regret it from what he learned.
“The zombies don’t move at night,” Niragi says quickly, before anyone else can insult him, no matter how rightful they are for doing so.
“I’m sorry, what?” Arisu asks him, seemingly not able to grasp Niragi’s words.
“They go totally frozen and just stare up at the moon. We can start traveling at night–“
“Is it just in moonlight?” Ann cuts him off, and Niragi frowns, because that’s not something he’s actually considered, and not anything he’s tested out yet. He might’ve gotten too ahead of himself here.
“I’m not sure…”
“I think we need to get more information before we move too quickly,” Aguni honestly just has a way of getting people’s respect, or maybe it’s just Niragi wanting to immediately listen to him, “We should scout tonight. See what we learn.”
“I’ll show you–“
“You’re still healing,” Chishiya cuts him off, head tilting backwards to glare up at Niragi, “You can still pull your stitches just bending the wrong way.”
“Chishiya is right, Niragi. You need to focus on healing,” Aguni says, placing his empty plate on the coffee table. There might be more variety in their meals now, but their portions are still small. “We’ll stay here a few more days, but tonight I’ll go out and see the zombies for myself.”
“You shouldn’t be on your own. I’ll go with you,” Ann’s playing with Kuina’s locs as she speaks, and Niragi can see the worry on the woman’s face at the thought of Ann going off at night.
“Try to get some more food too. We don’t have enough for a few more days,” Usagi suggests, and Niragi can’t help noticing Chishiya’s irritated breath, just filling him with confusion.
“Not to say that this breakfast isn’t great,” Kuina says, seemingly understanding something that he doesn’t.
“I’m sure it is, now that I’ll be cooking from now on.”
“Wouldn’t it be better if we all–“
“I don’t need you to cook, when I’m more than capable,” Chishiya cuts Usagi off, a bit of anger in the man’s tone that has Niragi more confused.
“Not this again,” Kuina mutters in exasperation beside him and Niragi looks over at her to see her with an expression that clearly says I’m so over this. She reaches over and flicks Chishiya on the top of the head, making the man turn to her with annoyance, “Stop, Chi.”
“She–“
“We don’t have time for whatever the hell this is. Any day could be our last,” Aguni doesn’t let Chishiya finish his sentence, stopping what seemed like an argument and bringing everyone back to reality, even if Niragi still wants to know what’s going on. “We’ll take inventory of the weapons today and conserve our energy by staying out of the heat. We should take the opportunity here to rest.”
“We don’t know what the next checkpoint will look like either,” Ann adds, “Just because it’s been getting better, doesn’t mean it will stay that way.”
“Ann’s right. We shouldn’t take this place for granted,” Aguni agrees, but Niragi’s really hoping the Joker will try to help them out, “And it’s likely we’ll have to start finding our food now.”
“We don’t know what the other levels are,” Arisu points out, “There might not be supermarkets or even things to hunt.”
“Since when have we been hunting?” Niragi doesn’t think the other man is capable of skinning an animal.
“Usagi taught me during the first phase of the card games. I’m sure she could teach everyone.”
“I don’t mind,” Usagi says, looking pleased to contribute. And Niragi thinks she might often feel like Chishiya does.
“That might actually be useful,” Aguni’s fingers tap on his knees in thought, “But I wouldn’t risk eating anything here. We should wait for the next level.”
“It’s definitely a good skill,” Niragi nods his head in agreement, “We’d probably be fucked without your survival knowledge–“
Chishiya stands abruptly, slamming his plate down on the coffee table and almost making Niragi drop his own, watching in just further and further confusion as the man leaves the room.
“I’ll be right back,” Kuina sighs heavily, and follows after Chishiya quickly.
“What’s his problem?” Arisu asks, expecting Niragi to just know Chishiya’s abnormal fucking feelings.
“I have no goddamn idea,” Niragi stares down the hallways helplessly, and wonders if he should go after the man too, “He’s been all over the place lately.”
“It’s a lot for him,” Ann says, “Chishiya has never had any type of relationship before, so he struggles to get a grasp on his emotions. I still don’t think he really understands what it means that Kuina is his best friend.”
“Yeah, but it’s still weird,” Arisu shivers, like just the thought of a feeling Chishiya is terrifying. And it is. “After the Beach, I thought he was just some heartless bastard…but after he saved Usagi everything changed. He just wanted to be like the rest of us.”
Niragi doesn’t think he was like the rest of them, and even if Chishiya liked him back then, he wasn’t some selfless saint. He thinks he’s better now, but he’s still selfish. He doesn’t think that any of them want to admit that they all are too.
Niragi leans back against the couch and resists kicking his feet like a toddler in frustration. Chishiya has always been unpredictable to others, but while the man’s calculated actions always ended up making sense when revealed, this new turbulence is fucking exhausting.
“The two of you need to figure your shit out before we go back on the road,” is all Aguni says, and Niragi can’t even argue because the man is right.
Niragi just nods in embarrassment, because all this boyfriend stuff is fucking confusing and he doesn’t know what to do about it. He thinks about Usagi’s advice and tries to pick up on the cues, but none of Chishiya’s actions make sense. He’s tempted to go eavesdrop again, but doesn’t think it’s right to intrude on Chishiya’s personal moments.
Ann is looking at him like he’s a bit dumb and he rolls his eyes. Niragi shoves a piece of pancake in his mouth, speaking with his mouth full, “Do you have something to say?”
“Chishiya’s always hated when you don’t pay attention to him,” she says, and he thinks she only knows that because she’s dating Kuina.
“I literally only give him my attention,” Niragi says, swallowing the fluffy cake and just wishing they had syrup, but then thinks he’s only being greedy when they’re so fortunate to have this.
Ann doesn’t look so convinced and that just pisses him off, because he knows she knows something, but isn’t going to say anything. He stares her down, but she only raises an eyebrow at him like she’s not even intimidated. Niragi wonders when they stopped being afraid of him.
“Like I said. Figure your shit out,” Aguni repeats, getting up from the other couch, and disappearing to the kitchen with his empty plate.
“I’m sure it’s a lot for Chishiya,” Usagi says softly, smiling reassuringly at Niragi, who’s sure the stress can show on his face, “Everything is new to him.”
“It’s not like I’m used to this shit either. We’ve never been normal like you guys.”
“You’re perfectly normal people,” Ann looks annoyed by his words, “There’s billions of people in this world and we’re all different. Nothing makes you any weirder or more special than the rest of us.”
But maybe being weird and special is what makes the Joker want him– Niragi doesn’t want to think too much into it.
“You’re not abnormal,” Usagi seems out off by his simple description of himself, “You shouldn’t think that there’s something wrong with you.”
“I just…” Niragi trails off, because he’s not really sure how to explain it, but he’s always just been a freak.
“You know my dad always thought I was a loser,” Arisu nibbles on a piece of bacon, “Thought my brother was this perfect kid, but I was just some idiot wasting my life away. When you’re told to think one way about yourself, it’s sort of hard to break free from that.”
It’s the second sort of heart to heart he’s had with Arisu and it still feels just as ridiculous as the first one. And Niragi isn’t so sure they’re talking about Chishiya anymore.
“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I know who I am–“
“Do you?” Ann doesn’t let him finish his sentence, tilting her head at him, “Or do you just know who everyone else tells you you are?”
Niragi doesn’t really think there’s a difference, because he’s only what everyone says he is, because they can see what he is. He shrugs awkwardly, “I don’t know.”
“Chishiya sees something in you, and so do the rest of us, but that doesn’t mean anything if you think so poorly of yourself. And I don’t think Chishiya wants you to think so horribly of him either.”
“I don’t,” Niragi sends Ann a glare, because the man likes that they’re different…right? Or is it just all he’s ever known, that he can’t see himself just like everyone else? Niragi isn’t particularly sure if Chishiya likes being different anymore.
“It’s just something to think about,” Ann pats him on the shoulder, then resumes eating, and it falls silent between the four of them. And it’s strange that it’s not awkward when Niragi has never been a people person.
Niragi finishes his food and is unsure if he should go to Chishiya, or if the man is still talking to Kuina. He ultimately decides to test his luck, even if he should probably wash his dish. He just cares more about making sure Chishiya is alright.
There’s muffled voices behind the bedroom door, but instead of listening in like last night, he just knocks.
It falls silent, and then a moment later Kuina is opening the door, looking absolutely pissed off. Niragi really doesn’t want to deal with her right now, but it doesn’t look like she wants to either, so he just moves out of the way to let her leave before taking her place and closing the door behind him.
Chishiya is sitting on the bed, looking at the ground with a furrowed brow, and Niragi sighs, “What the hell is up with you?”
“I’m going absolutely insane, that’s what’s happening,” Chishiya says, stress clear in his voice, “It’s like I’m a completely different person and I don’t know how to be a person.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Niragi sits beside him, grabbing his hands, “You’re just like anyone else and–“
“I’m not like any of them and it’s insulting you think I am,” Chishiya looks at him angrily, and Niragi just doesn’t know what the fuck the man wants. “We’re different, Suguru. Even if we’re changing. I’m not like Arisu or Kuina or Usagi.”
“I’m sorry I just– I’m confused, alright? I never know what the hell you want anymore unless you fucking tell me and maybe I’m just an idiot…Kuina seems to think so, and so does Ann and Arisu and Aguni, and Usagi thinks I just need to read the cues, whatever the hell that means.”
“You don’t need to listen to any of them.”
“We’ve never done this shit before. I don’t know how to act either…” Niragi sighs in contentment when Chishiya’s face presses into the crook of his neck, breath warm on his skin, “We’re just proving that we’re just as capable as anyone else.”
“But we’re better than them,” Chishiya says, voice muffled, “Just because I care about you doesn’t mean it’s the same as the way they all feel about each other.”
“I don’t think you need to categorize it,” Niragi smiles softly, “I don’t think I care about you any less than Kuina and Ann care about each other.”
“Yes you do. You’d do anything for me, even if you had to kill them, and all the others in the games we’ll create,” Chishiya huffs in annoyance, “We’re special.”
He’d rather not get Chishiya started on theories, so he just wraps an arm around the blonde, “You’re still you, Shuntaro, even if you’re experiencing things that most other people do. You think I don’t feel like a fucking freak when all I want to do is touch you?” Niragi’s face feels warm, because he didn’t exactly mean to say it like that. “I just mean that it doesn’t feel natural to want you– I mean–“
“Shut up,” Chishiya says gently, and Niragi can feel a smile against his skin, “Stop listening to other people. They don’t know what they’re talking about.”
“Then maybe you need to actually talk to me when you’re upset. I’m not very skilled when it comes to understanding emotions.”
“I just don’t think you should rely on anyone else other than me for anything. And I don’t want you to care about anyone else.”
“Asking me not to care about the others is impossible,” Niragi says honestly, because everyone has found a place in his heart, “But you’re the most important person to me. You know that already.”
“I don’t like having to share you. Usagi has Arisu. She doesn’t need to take up your time.”
“She just…she’s having a hard time being here–“
“Then she has Arisu to help her,” Chishiya cuts him off heatedly, and Niragi just lifts a hand to weave into blonde hair.
“Sometimes I wish I didn’t jump in front of that bullet for her…but Kuzuryu had me feeling disgustingly sentimental. I wanted to see what it felt like to do what he did…but I just wish it wasn’t her I saved.”
“Why would you say that?” Niragi doesn’t really think Chishiya regrets saving her, just that there’s some underlying reason.
“It doesn’t matter,” Chishiya sighs, arms shaking around Niragi’s body to hug him tightly, “She just needs to leave you alone. We all have someone.”
Except Aguni, is Niragi’s first thought, and it immediately fills him with sadness. He has the faint memory of the gunshot ringing in his ears, Heiya’s limp body in his arms. He’s surprised he hasn’t thought of it often, tucked deep within the corners of his mind, lest it poison him.
“We should change your bandages,” Chishiya says, but makes no move to detach from him. “But I’m tired. I didn’t sleep at all, because someone disappeared.”
“We can sleep a little while,” Niragi laughs softly when Chishiya drags him down onto the bed as they maneuver beneath the covers. The man’s clinging onto him tightly, head on his shoulder and arm around his waist. He breathes out a heavy breath as he melts into the soft mattress, “We’re getting far too comfortable here.”
“We deserve it,” Chishiya already sounds sleepy, far too easily able to sleep, “They’re giving us this time to get closer.”
Only to try and tear us apart, isn’t spoken, but it’s still clear. Niragi presses a kiss into his hair, “Don't worry about that now. Just sleep, princess.”
Chishiya is out like a light only minutes later, but just as it always does, it takes Niragi a while to fall asleep. He stares up at the ceiling, Chishiya’s theories in his head.
If this has already happened, and they are just following a path where all their choices are already expected, does he even have any will to protect Chishiya? But if he’s made this deal with the Joker, then he should be guaranteed the man’s safety.
He’s just going to have faith.
Chapter Text
Chapter 26
For the first time in a while, Niragi dreams again. It’s dark, like falling into the pit, only Chishiya isn’t there to pull him out this time, and instead of tumbling into the darkness, he stands across from a blurry figure, only a silhouette with the light surrounding its form.
“Things are changing.”
There’s something in this person’s voice that makes him want to question them. It feels intimately familiar, while also completely foreign. Niragi stares down at his hands, and touches his face next, finding this dream so strange, because he’s never been aware he’s been in one before, but Chishiya isn’t in his arms, so he must be asleep.
“This new method seems to work.”
“Joker?” Niragi asks hesitantly, because he’s far too awake for being in a dream, “How are you communicating with me?”
“I admit it’s a bit unorthodox,” the distinctly male voice speaks, but it’s slightly warped like Niragi is stuck in some sort of bubble. And he finds that when he steps forward there’s a barrier between him and the Joker. “I’m not quite sure I’m even allowed to, but I haven’t been reprimanded yet.”
“Who– what are you?” Niragi asks curiously, even if he finds it unlikely that he’s going to be given an answer.
“An ally,” the Joker says, which still doesn’t really say anything at all.
“What do you want with us?”
“I could care less about others, only him. And you are just an unfortunate stain on my existence, and yet I need you for everything.”
“If you think I’m going to let you take him just for your sick entertainment–“
“They watch, yet this game is allowed to go on in ways the others aren’t. Chishiya Shuntaro’s life is the only thing worth watching to them when it gains them their valuable asset.”
“I don’t understand…You’re not trying to kill him?”
“I believe it is possible to keep him alive if you are willing to give up the lives of your companions.”
“Why does anyone have to die?” Niragi is immediately frustrated, because they all deserve to live. “Why can’t we all win?”
“A single drop of blood is not as quenching as a cup full of it. They require sacrifice.”
“Who are they?”
“Forces beyond your understanding.”
And for some reason that makes Niragi think the Joker has no fucking idea either. He clenches his fists, “I don’t want to kill anyone.”
“Think of it more as not intervening with my plans.”
Niragi doesn’t like the sound of that; not one fucking bit. “If you think I’m just going to let someone die–“
“They’ll intervene. They like to when they’re bored. And the idea of his death delights them the most.”
“Why Shuntaro? Why him?”
“All your questions will be answered at the end.”
“Then when is this end?”
“That remains to be seen,” the Joker says, “Consider what I’ve said if you want Chishiya Shuntaro alive.”
Niragi isn’t given another chance to respond, because one moment he’s looking at the Joker, and the next he’s staring up at the tan ceiling of their bedroom. He turns his head to find Chishiya sprawled out beside him, hair messy and a bit of drool on the pillow that his face is smushed up against. He brushes some blonde hair from the man’s face and smiles at the sleepy grumble.
“He’s not supposed to be talking to us,” Niragi says quietly, and considers that Chishiya’s theory might be wrong if the Joker is trying to help him keep the other man alive. It seems the end is unknown to everyone involved in this game. “But we’ll work together to make sure you’re safe.”
Even if I have to let the others die, Niragi thinks, feeling his stomach twist up painfully. It’s not something he’s particularly proud of, but he’ll do anything for Chishiya. He’d rather someone else die if it means the man can live.
He sits up slowly, still feeling the stretch of his stitches, and peeks out the curtains to find that it’s still day, but the sky is a much deeper orange, so it must be late in the afternoon. They really are getting too comfortable.
Niragi carefully gets out the bed, mindful to not wake Chishiya, and makes his way to the kitchen to find something to eat. The snack supply has clearly been taken advantage of, a few sodas and candies missing, so he grabs a bottle of green tea and a bag of seaweed potato chips. He’s glad the chocolate hasn’t been eaten.
Niragi pops a few chips in his mouth, curious to finally take a proper look at the weapons supply, and enticed by the idea of fresh air. The house is air conditioned, but there’s something about breathing in the hot wind that is now strangely comfortable in its familiarity.
“I’m expecting you to tell me how the hell technology works here,” Niragi mutters, crunching on another chip. “That shit at least meant more sense last time.”
He finds Aguni and Arisu outside from the other side of the sliding glass door, inspecting a variety of guns. Niragi doesn’t really think he can lift the scythe anymore; at least not until he heals.
“Is he still angry?”
Niragi looks behind him, Kuina walking tiredly into the living room. It’s like all any of them can do is sleep, just continually exhausted from slipping in and out of survival mode. He shrugs, “I’m sure he’ll be pissed at me again soon.”
“He’s not angry with you,” Kuina sits on one of the couches, propping her feet up on the coffee table, “He’s just frustrated.”
“Is anyone going to tell me why?” Niragi narrows his eyes at her in annoyance, but still moves to sit on the other couch and watch the delicately shifting emotions on her face, “What?”
“I’m just thinking,” Kuina sighs, staring at him with a furrowed brow, “He’s changed so much. And all because of you.”
“It’s not all because of me. Everyone left an impact on him. I mean Kuzuryu is the reason he almost killed himself.”
“I guess I just meant that you were the one who made him want to live his life in a different way.”
“You don’t give yourself enough credit,” Niragi remembers the Beach, “Chishiya was practically glued to your hip. Before you showed up he was always on his own. What the hell did you do?”
“I told him his hair was fried,” Kuina laughs at Niragi’s disbelief, “I don’t think anyone gave him any mind outside of the games, and even then he always blended in the background. He was always so empty…but I just happened to be there once, when he looked at you…there was just this spark in his eyes that had me curious…I’ve never told him that though.”
Niragi isn’t sure if she means to say it, because he’s certain that Chishiya wouldn’t want Kuina sharing the man’s secrets, so he says nothing.
“I know you were listening last night. I could see your shadow,” Kuina says, and he only shrugs because what’s the point in lying to her, “He’s like a hurricane. I can’t imagine what it’d be like to stand in Niragi Suguru’s shoes. That’s the first thing he ever said to me. I followed him around like a duckling talking his ear off for three days and it was only after I brought up you that he finally said something to me.”
“It’s not like I intentionally did anything.”
“We’re the only two people that really paid attention to him, that wanted to be around him. We didn’t want anything from him other than him.”
“I wanted him dead,” Niragi huffs, because he definitely didn’t want to be around Chishiya back then. “Just looking at him pissed him off.”
“Yet you still sought him out every time he was even in the corner of your eye. No one looks at Chishiya unless he gives them a reason to. But you always looked at him. I guess I did too.”
“So what? You liked him because he would stare at me? What the hell has he ever given you back?”
“He saved my life, if you don’t remember.”
“Of course I remember. I mean back then.”
“He gave me his time,” Kuina says, “I know he wanted me to help him get the cards, but we often talked when we didn’t have to. He once told me I was the most annoying woman he’s ever met, but that now you’re simply tolerable. I don’t know,” she smiles, “Chishiya used to plan out every little detail, even each word, that telling me he actually could put up with me meant something.”
“You’re fucking ridiculous. I don’t know how the hell you could think that meant the two of you were best friends or some shit,” Niragi thinks if Chishiya said that to him at the Beach, he would’ve shot the man in the face…then again he let the other get away with a lot more. “He was using you just like he did everyone.”
“That’s true, but I think he was curious to see if I’d stick around. He was always uncharacteristically honest with me, especially about you.”
“His interest in me just doesn’t make sense. There were plenty of other crazy fucking people in that place.”
“Well they weren’t as cute as you,” Kuina says, and it only makes him roll his eyes, “Parts of you reminded him of himself, and I think he was jealous of what you were capable of. Chishiya never told me much about his life, but he’d always go on about your fascinating emotions.”
“He said the same after the hospital. He wasn’t able to understand how I could just feel when so many things about us were identical to him. Well, he’s gotten what he wished for now, and it’s going to get him killed unless I do something.”
“I’d say it’s made him stronger.”
Niragi thinks of the anger, the tears, the fear. He wonders if these are healthy things to feel so constantly. But then there’s the softness, the smiles, the delicate touches, and sweet admirations. Chishiya is blossoming before his very eyes, and Niragi often feels like he’s just trying to catch up now.
“Heiya’s death affected him more than he let on. I’m worried about what would happen if any of us were next…” Niragi trails off, because death is going to happen, and he has no control over it.
A single drop of blood is not as quenching as a cup full of it. They require sacrifice.
“I don’t think any of us are going to let that happen. We’ll protect each other.”
Think of it more as not intervening with my plans.
Niragi doesn’t know how he can protect them if he’s just supposed to let them die. He just has to keep his energy on Chishiya like he’s been doing. He just has to keep Chishiya alive.
Whatever it is that controls the Joker wants to see Chishiya hurt, but with the Joker’s help he can keep that from happening.
“Just stay alive,” Niragi says, voice weak. He can’t imagine how it would hurt Chishiya. Please leave her alone, he begs the Joker in his mind, hoping it can hear him.
“I’m planning on making it home,” she’s clearly determined, and he’s just glad the challenges they’ve faced haven’t discouraged her.
“Why did you leave?” Chishiya comes into the room, eyes still half open, and sits beside Niragi, plastering to his side, an arm around his waist and head on his shoulder. “I woke up alone.”
Kuina is smirking at them and even if he’s been affectionate with Chishiya in front of everyone, it still makes him blush.
“What should we have for dinner?”
“I’ll cook,” Chishiya grumbles at her, and it makes Niragi smile at the strange behavior.
“You know that cooking dinner won’t make Niragi love you any more than he already does. I don’t think he can love you even more,” Kuina laughs gently, while Niragi’s face just feels warm at her words. He doesn’t correct her, but he also doesn’t agree with her.
“I’ll cook,” Chishiya says again, voice much firmer. “You and Usagi don’t have to do everything for us.”
Niragi thinks it’s most likely wise not to tell the man to take it easy, because Chishiya just wants to take care of him. It makes him feel all tingly and warm inside.
“I’ll make curry,” Chishiya says, breath hot on his collarbone at each word, and it makes Niragi feel like he’s heating up.
“I’m sick of curry,” Kuina complains, even if they’re honestly quickly getting tired of everything now that they’re eating proper– processed– meals. Niragi wonders if they’ll ever have fresh food.
“That sounds good,” Niragi says, because he might be tired of canned meat, but he still doesn’t think he’d not enjoy curry. “Anything you make will be good.”
“Ugh you guys are disgusting,” Kuina’s clearly joking, but Niragi can’t help taking it the wrong way, and Chishiya must feel him tense because the man hugs him tightly.
“We’re perfect,” Chishiya defends them, anger clear in his voice, and Kuina’s eyes go wide in realization.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” she shakes her head quickly, locs bouncing, “Just that the two of you are like crazy lovey dovey.”
“No I–I know,” Niragi blushes in embarrassment, because Kuina is the last person who would ever judge him. Because he’s honestly still uncomfortable about even being Chishiya’s boyfriend– even if he’s the one who initiated the shift in their relationship. He’s not gay…but he’s…Chishiya sexual…if that makes sense, which it doesn’t to him. And not that it’ll go any further than they are now anyways. “I’m just not, I mean–“
“You don’t have to explain yourself,” Kuina smiles at him and her doe eyes are soft. It eases some of his anxiety.
“I’m going to get started on dinner before Usagi gets to the kitchen first,” Chishiya gets up with a gentle hand across his cheek, and Niragi did ask the man not to kiss him in front of the others, but he sort of still wants to feel gentle lips on his skin.
“Be nice!” Kuina calls after him as Chishiya disappears around the corner. She huffs in amusement, “I’m sure he’ll just bitch about it even if she doesn’t try to help him.”
“We should all spend time with each other,” while we still can, he thinks. “Chishiya isn’t really close to the others.”
“I don’t really think he wants to be. You take up all his time.”
“Yeah, he said it was a lot to care about both of us,” Niragi remembers one of their many hostile, yet strangely affectionate, conversations in his apartment. He never realized how much they gravitated towards each other, and how much the hate covered up the way he kind of liked Chishiya. He’d never given himself the opportunity to let himself feel anything for anyone.
He thinks it makes sense how Kuina said he always sought Chishiya out. It’s the way he always wanted to pick a fight at the Beach, because the rush of emotion was intoxicating in ways nothing else was. He honestly would’ve rather argued with Chishiya than sleep around.
“I don’t think he’s capable of more,” Kuina plays with her hair, seemingly in thought, “It’s too much emotional responsibility.”
“What do you mean?” Niragi asks, crossing a leg over his thigh and finding Kuina’s observational skills astounding based on the woman she comes off as.
“He’s new to all of this. Can you imagine the strain it’d put on him if he thought of everyone else like he does about me, about you? Chi has never meant to have a big heart–“
“He does,” Niragi cuts her off, because she’s absolutely wrong. She shakes his head like he’s misunderstood her.
“Of course he does, but not the standard definition or the way most people think of big hearts,” she says, and he guesses she’s right, “He’s still selfish in a strange way, because his attention is directed towards gaining things. In this case it’s you. You’re what holds value. You’re his new deck of cards.”
Niragi must give her an offended look because she laughs at him, which just offends him even more. “I think I’m worth more than cards.”
“It’s just a metaphor. We all know Chishiya thinks you hung the moon and stars.”
It’s actually quite a wonderful thing to say when the man loves staring up at the night sky so much. Niragi glances out the sliding glass window at the setting sun. He thinks he’ll attempt to stargaze with Chishiya tonight.
“Is there a particular reason Chishiya looks like he wants to murder me?” Usagi comes into the living room with a blanket around her shoulders and curls up on the other end of the couch beside Kuina.
“He’s just in a mood,” she waves her hand like it’s not a big deal, but he still sees the irritation on her face.
“I’m starting to feel like I’ve done something.”
Niragi is about to tell her that she hasn’t done anything, but then he pauses…has she? Chishiya’s anger today has seemed to be directed at both him and Usagi, but he’s unable to justify it for the latter.
“We’re all going through a lot,” Niragi says, “I think he just wants to cook for me. He gets very…oh.”
“Took you long enough,” Kuina reaches over and steals the chips from his lap, “I swear for being so smart, you’re a moron.”
“Am I missing something?” Usagi asks, but Niragi is already up from the couch and hurrying towards the kitchen where he finds Chishiya plugging in the rice cooker.
“I told you I could do it, Usa–“
“She doesn’t mean anything,” Niragi stands there with a blush because it’s sort of insulting that Chishiya thinks he’d ever like anyone else more, but also makes his heart beat quickly at the slight possessiveness. “You shouldn’t ever think anyone else would be on my mind. Usagi is our friend, but she’ll never be like you.”
Chishiya presses the timer on the rice cooker with a loud beep. He turns around to meet Niragi’s eyes, “It wouldn’t be a far fetched assumption, with the way you were obsessed with her at the Beach.”
“I only knew her for a few days. I’ve known you for longer.”
The man crosses his arms, and Niragi sees the slight insecurity with his shifting feet. “There were a lot of other women too. It’s just something I noticed. And you’ve made it clear that you’re not gay.”
Niragi wants to push Chishiya to admit these feelings that began at the Beach, but then it’ll be clear that he was eavesdropping. “I’m not gay…but you’re an exception.”
Chishiya doesn’t seem quite satisfied with that answer, if the slight frown means anything, “I’d like you to focus on her less.”
“I’ve hardly focused on her, Shuntaro. But she’s still our friend and we’re in no position to distance ourselves from each other.”
The blonde doesn’t argue, because they both know Niragi is right, “But I’m more appealing?”
Niragi comes closer until he’s able to touch Chishiya, a hand on his face and the other on the small of his back, “In every way. No one compares to you.”
Niragi is starting to think that the man has always been jealous of any woman he gave his attention to, because it always took his focus away from the other. The jealousy just feels strange, and even stranger that Chishiya is acting on it. But Kuina is right; it’s a lot of change.
“I don’t mean to be like this,” Chishiya sighs, and his head rests on Niragi’s chest. “I’ve already told you that I don’t know how to deal with all of this.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Niragi’s hand slides into his hair, “I mean I went out into the city at night, alone, just to try and make you feel better with chocolate. I’d say that’s worse.”
“Yes, and you won’t do it again,” Chishiya says angrily, so Niragi just pets down the man’s blonde hair to soothe him, “I still can’t believe you were so stupid.”
“I don’t know. You were angry, so I thought chocolate would cheer you up. You know you could’ve told me that you were jealous.”
“I wasn’t jealous,” Chishiya says stubbornly, “I just think she doesn’t deserve your attention. None of those women did. Not that I was jealous. It was just an observation.”
“I needed to,” Niragi says honestly, because he just had to. He had to let everyone know he was in control…even if he was just trapped beneath the Hatter’s thumb.
“Do you like women?” Chishiya asks, arms snaking around his waist to wrap around him tightly.
“I just don’t like most people, but I like all of you. You’re my best friend, but I guess more than anyone else– more than that. You’re special to me.”
“Why did you ask me to be your boyfriend then?”
Niragi rests his chin on the top of Chishiya’s head and breathes in apples. His fingers thread through the man’s hair that seems to be longer. It’s quite frightening to realizing that they might be aging here, and if they stay, it might not be forever like Chishiya thinks.
“Answer me,” Chishiya mumbles against his chest, fingers curling in the back of his shirt.
“I want to give you what I can. I want to make you happy,” Niragi say, because they’re moving towards something. He just doesn’t know how much more he can give. “I don’t want to disappoint you.”
Chishiya doesn’t say anything, but the way the man hugs Niragi even tighter is reassuring. He presses a kiss into blonde hair and feels fingers tighten as they grip onto his shirt.
“I should probably get back to dinner,” Chishiya’s voice is quiet, “But you can stay. Always.”
“Sure princess,” Niragi never enjoys having to pull away from the man, but he knows how much Chishiya wants to cook for him, so he won't be a distraction.
Niragi leans against the counter, arms crossed and watches Chishiya cook, with an adorable concentrated look on his face as he cooks the canned potatoes and carrots. It’s really not the best curry Niragi has ever had compared to the shop in Shinjuku, but it’s still more delicious because it’s a reminder that they’re all here together. Niragi isn’t alone anymore.
So everyone eats dinner even if Chishiya is a bit bitchy towards Usagi, who just seems completely confused by the man’s behavior. But maybe Niragi is fucked up– he is– because it sort of makes him feel warm inside, like he’s just had a hot cup of tea.
“How was it?” Chishiya asks, sounding incredibly unsure, as they sit outside watching purpling sky after dinner.
Niragi isn’t sure what the others are doing, but he thinks it’s clear the two men want to be left alone, “Best curry I’ve ever had, babe.”
“You’re lying,” Chishiya mumbles, so Niragi just slings an arm around his shoulders.
“Well you made it for me, so it’s the best,” Niragi enjoys the head that rests on his shoulder, and the way Chishiya scoots closer to him in the sand. “Better than anything anyone has made for me.”
Niragi watches the sky darken, and looks up at the faint light of twinkling stars. It’s going to be his sky now, if he even stays here in this place and isn’t taken somewhere else.
“I like it here,” Chishiya says, “I like it when it’s just us.”
He’s not sure if he should point out that the others are with them too, and he’s unsure if he wants to argue to the man about staying here. Because Chishiya is going home.
“It could be different here for us…you wouldn’t have to hide.”
Niragi thinks he understands what Chishiya is trying to say, and he just sighs because the man just doesn’t get it, “It wouldn’t be safe for you.”
“I’ve never cared about what anyone thinks of me; except you,” Chishiya's face turns to press a gentle kiss on his jaw.
“You don’t know what people are capable of– of what they’ll do to you.”
“You don’t have to hide–“
“I’m not gay,” Niragi cuts him off, and he doesn’t mean to let anger seep into his voice, so he takes a breath to calm himself, “I like you. That doesn’t make me gay, but I still know it’s not safe for people like you.”
“Maybe I’m not gay either. I’ve only ever liked you, Chishiya says, and Niragi lets himself be pushed down into the sand, as the man stares down at him with a furrowed brow, “We don’t have to worry about things like that. We’re not even going back.”
Yes, you are, is what Niragi wants to say, but instead he doesn’t say anything at all.
Chishiya nibbles on his bottom lip and Niragi reaches up to tuck some hair behind his ear, “I don’t need anything more from you, but you shouldn’t hate yourself, Suguru. Because then you’d have to hate me–“
“Don’t ever say something like that,” Niragi’s arms wrap around the man and pull him close, even if his weight is uncomfortable on the still healing stitches. “I could never hate you.” Not again.
Chishiya’s head tucks beneath his chin, “It just doesn’t seem like you can accept me if you can’t even accept yourself.”
Niragi honestly hasn’t really ever considered it that way, because what he feels about himself is so completely opposite from what he thinks about the other man. “Well I accept that I care about you more than anyone– more than I should. How long have you been feeling this way?”
“It shouldn’t be about what you should do or not do,” Chishiya says, ignoring Niragi’s question completely, so he thinks it must have been for a while. “What would we even be if we went back?”
“Is that why you want to stay so badly?”
“I still want us to have forever…and the promise that there’s nothing to scare you is just an added bonus.”
“I’m not scared. I just know what’s right and wants wrong–“
“So we’re wrong?” Chishiya sits up without warning, slipping out from Niragi’s arms and standing up quickly and stepping backwards towards the house, “We’re wrong?
Niragi gets up after him so fast that he’s dizzy, and when he reaches for Chishiya, the man steps back even more. He sighs heavily, “That’s not what I meant–“
“Then how did you mean it?” Chishiya blinks a few times, and in the moonlight his eyes look glassy.
“There’s just– just,” Niragi huffs in frustration, “Some things aren’t normal–“
“Then what about Kuina and Ann?” Chishiya cuts him off again, fingers curling into fists. He looks frustrated and a bit disbelieving, “What about them?”
“I don’t have a fucking problem with them,” Niragi thinks the women shouldn’t matter right now when they’re talking about him and Chishiya. “I think they’re great together, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s not natural.” He thinks Kuina and Ann have a beautiful love, but that doesn’t mean they’ll ever be safe and accepted.
“I don’t even know what the hell I’m hearing,” Chishiya shakes his head quickly as like he’s hoping to push Niragi’s words out of his mind. “You’re– you’re sick or something. We’re natural.”
“If you think the world is going to accept you, then you’re wrong. Someone could kill you, Shuntaro. Just us touching in public could put you in the hospital.”
“So we hide?”
“You shouldn’t think of it like that. I’m just protecting you–“
“I don’t need protecting,” Chishiya spits out angrily, “I need someone who isn’t afraid to be with me. Why the hell did you even ask me to be your boyfriend if it’s unnatural?”
“I just wanted to make you happy–“
“So you didn’t want it.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth,” Niragi runs a hand through his hair and wants to pull it out because he doesn’t know how the hell they just got here. “You’re smart, Chishiya. You know we can’t be anything beyond closed door.”
“You’re an asshole!” Chishiya slaps his hand away when he tries to reach for the man again. “I’m going to bed and you’re not welcome!” Chishiya stomps away in the sand and Niragi winces when the sliding glass door slams shut.
“You seem to make a fool out of yourself every time.”
Niragi looks around, head whipping side to side as he turns in a circle. There’s no one here with him, but he already knows the voice. “How the hell are you in my head?”
“You’re asking me how I communicate with my players?”
“Do you even fucking know, Joker?” Niragi plops down into the sand, staring up at the stars as his hair likely gets dirty with sand. “I’d appreciate having you out of my head.”
“And I’d appreciate you appreciating what you have.”
“It’ll get him killed if he thinks that shit is okay. And if I’m staying with you, then I’ll have no way to protect him.”
“So then what do you suggest? Pushing him away with insults?”
“I’m suggesting he faces reality. Chishiya doesn’t fucking understand where I’m coming from.”
“And maybe you’re not understanding him.”
“This is a fucking joke. I’m talking to you, but you’re only in my head. Can you even see me?”
“I can see everything. I’m cursed with knowledge.”
“Yeah well what the hell is he doing then?”
“Crying. Kuina is with him.”
Niragi frowns, and feels absolutely shitty inside because he’s the one that made Chishiya cry. He still doesn’t think he’s wrong, but hurting the other man doesn’t make him feel very good.
“You’re an asshole.”
“Yeah, I fucking know,” Niragi closes his eyes and feels the cool air blow over him, “Now get the fuck out of my head.”
He’s met with silence, and he waits a moment to see if the Joker will say anything else. And when it’s clear he’s alone, or at least in the illusion of being alone, he lays there and feels like an absolute shit person. Apparently the Joker is his best fucking friend now which feels even shittier. Because it’s like he’s still in the game, but he’s playing against everyone now.
The only reassurance is that the goal is to get Chishiya home. It’s like the most fucked up deal with the devil when his friends’ lives are on the line.
Niragi lets out a deep breath, fingers sifting through the sand and wanting to be swallowed whole. It’s really just moving forward only to move back. That’s what it always feels like between them.
But Chishiya is acting like it’s his fucking fault that the real world is like this, but he’s sure it’ll be a fucking wake up call when– he’s hoping nothing happens. He knows Kuina will keep the man safe.
“What more can I give you?” Niragi whispers, but it’s not like Chishiya can hear him. It’s confusing when the man says nothing is expected of him, but clearly something is. Niragi knows the reality of their situation; he lived it. He just doesn’t want the same thing to happen to Chishiya. But somehow he feels like he’s in the wrong.
He passes out halfway through trying to justify his words, falling into a dreamless, restless sleep.
Chapter 27
Notes:
The US statistics on assault and harrasment on LGBTQIA is tragic and disgusting, especially against people of color and trans individuals. Please spread love and kindness 💗 and if you’re in America I hope you are doing alright with recent political events 💗
Chapter Text
Chapter 27
“Wake up.”
Niragi grunts at the soft kick to his side, and ignores whoever the fuck is deciding to talk to him. He shifts in the sand, back aching and skin frozen from being out for hours in the desert night.
“Get the hell up, you idiot.”
Niragi refuses to move or open his eyes, and swats away the foot that kicks him again, “Fuck off–ah!” He sputters at the water poured on his face, coughing at the burn as it goes up his nose. He sits up quickly, eyes blinking away the water that’s soaking into his shirt and he rubs his eyes to clear them. Niragi looks up at the woman with a glare, “What the hell, Ann?”
“Let’s go on a walk.”
He doesn’t expect the walk to be further into the desert, as he angrily drags his feet through the sand at a particularly steep dune. “I assumed we’d be in the city.”
“You really are an idiot,” Ann says, and she looks around seemingly in thought. “This is far enough.”
“Are you going to fucking kill me or something?” Niragi definitely wouldn’t put it past her, because he’s sure she’s already spoken to Kuina about him making Chishiya cry.
“I’d certainly like to do some type of bodily harm,” Ann sits down in the sand at the top of the dune and he watches the rising sunlight move across her face, “But unlike Chishiya, we understand why you are the way you are.”
“I’m not going to have a fucking heart to heart–“
“Sit down, Niragi,” Ann's eyes are steely, brown irises glowing a bit like whisky in the light. He doesn’t think he’s ever heard her so assertive before. The woman just exudes confidence, but to hear the command in her voice is slightly unnerving.
He sits down beside her, but his gaze trails off towards the house in the distance. They’re out of the laser gate, but she gave him a gun, so if anything is out here, then they’re armed. He’s sure he’ll hear teeth clicking and snapping in the still morning air, so he lets himself slightly relax.
“I know it can’t be easy for you to have Chishiya challenging your beliefs,” Ann says, and he just digs the toes of his shoes into the sand, “I sometimes think like you do still. Kuina is always there to remind me that it’s okay.”
“You don’t–“
“My girlfriend was murdered.”
Niragi’s arguments dry up on his tongue. And he’s not sure how to even go about consoling her. He looks over at her and it’s like she’s hardly even registering he’s there, even if she’s the one that dragged him out here.
“I attended university in the US and met Michi at a queer mixer our freshman year. We were the only two Japanese women, so we were drawn towards each other since there was no language barrier.”
“How did she…” Niragi doesn’t even want to say it.
“She was raped and beaten, but by the time the men were done with her, there wasn’t much the paramedics could do. The police wouldn’t call it a hate crime, but there was security footage in the parking lot that proved it was. All over a stupid rainbow flag pin,” Ann sighs, and Niragi feels like he’s going to throw up. “It’s why I decided to join the force when I returned to Tokyo. People deserve justice, and Michi never got that. And now I’m even more terrified for Kuina, with how trans women face so much violence. I don’t want anything to be repeated…”
“So you know it’s not safe for him then,” Niragi feels fear crawl over his body and seep into his skin, “He doesn’t understand, Ann.”
“They’re so pure. Kuina and Chishiya couldn’t be more different, yet they’re so similar in the ways they unconditionally love the people they care about. She was patient with me, just like he is with you,” Ann’s eyes are slightly watery, and it’s strange to see her like this, “If there’s anything I’ve learned in this world it’s that people are shitty, and working in forensics worsened my opinion…but then I met Hikari. I still can’t understand how she’s so happy even after everything she’s been through.”
“That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t face reality. Who’s stopping the next bigot from killing any of you?”
“Kuina didn’t want me to tell you about Michi, but you already know the truth about the world, and you won’t be tricked into thinking it’s all butterflies and rainbows. Japan might be safer than other countries, but we still face discrimination. But you don’t know all of it, Niragi.”
“And what is all of it?”
“That even with all the hate and pain and suffering is love and beauty and joy. Why do they get to decide how we live–“
“Because they’re dangerous,” Niragi thinks that being with Kuina might’ve blinded her a bit.
“People hurt people all the time. It doesn’t mean that we don’t deserve happiness,” Ann looks at him, and for some reason he sees the same fear on her face as the one he sees in the mirror, “I’m still terrified. I’m still angry. But I deserve to exist. And I think it’s about time you start to face your own reality.”
“There were a handful of times I could’ve ended up like your girlfriend. I’m honestly surprised I’m still fucking breathing. And I could– I could never forgive myself if I was the reason for something happening to Chishiya.”
“You need to come to terms with your own pain, Niragi. Chishiya can only do so much for you if you won’t heal yourself.”
“I don’t know how to do that, Ann. I’ve only ever run, but Chishiya is safe and–“
“He’s not going to save you in the way you need. He can put himself between you and danger, but he can’t heal your emotional wounds all on his own. He can only get you part of the way there.”
“They’ll hurt him,” Niragi stresses again, because has falling in love really made her this stupid? It’s almost affirming that he can’t let anything get further with Chishiya.
“You’re afraid, Niragi. And honestly it’s no surprise how you acted at the Beach– not that it’s ever been okay to be so fucking horrible.”
Niragi resists rolling his eyes, because he already knows how terrible he was. “I don’t need you deciding my sexuality.”
“I’m just making an observation, and I don’t think it’s fair for anyone else to think they know what you are or make you feel forced to do anything. But Kuina just wants Chishiya to be happy, and believe it or not we all want you to be happy too.”
“Tokyo is no place for gay people, Ann. There’s no place for you anywhere,” Niragi decides to say instead of acknowledging them wanting him to be happy, by being gay.
Ann’s left eye twitches like she’s trying not to be irritated by him, “There’s an entire community for us. You’d be surprised how welcomed we are. A few bad apples doesn’t mean the rest of the fruit is rotten.”
Niragi thinks that’s a stupid fucking analogy because homophobes aren’t just bad apples. They’re dangerous and unpredictable. “I’d rather not live in delusion.”
She sighs heavily, “Chishiya deserves to be loved by someone who isn’t afraid to love him, and if you can’t do that, then you don’t deserve him,” Ann says with finality, and stands up, brushing the sand off from her clothes. She looks down at him, “You’ve never given yourself the chance to experience life any other way, Niragi. I could’ve let Michi’s death poison my soul, but I’m choosing to see the beauty in life. Figure your shit out soon.” She walks away, and he watches her go, not feeling the urge to follow after her.
He doesn’t understand how Ann can just be alright with being so open in the real world, especially after her girlfriend’s tragic death. It almost has Niragi wanting to know what the hell she sees that has her willing to risk her safety. Is she honestly that fucking happy? Is it actually all fucking worth it to live that way, even with all the danger? He wants to know.
Niragi pulls his knees to his chest and rests his head down. He could never forgive himself if something happened to Chishiya…so what if he actually has the man stay here with him.
Niragi wants Chishiya to experience life, but what kind of life is there to experience if he’s only seen the world as a fucked up place?
“Does the deal change if he stays?” Niragi asks, but there’s no response this time. And he’s not even sure if Chishiya wants to be with him anymore.
He sits there for a while, letting the sun rise and warm up his skin. He struggles to see how they can work with such a wide difference in opinion. But Niragi knows the truth– that people see being gay as unnatural, and whatever they don’t understand, they hope to eradicate.
“We’re just supposed to survive. Why the hell is everything so difficult?” Niragi sighs, head on his knees as he has a strange urge to cry. He sees the pained disbelief on Chishiya’s face when he closes his eyes, and the anger as the man stepped away from him. “I just don’t want you to be hurt.”
He’s sweating from the heat by the time he makes it back to the house, and he smells food from the kitchen, but doubts Chishiya is the one making it.
“How the hell are you two able to touch those?” Niragi asks, staring at Arisu and Aguni playing some sort of card game. He eyes the ten of hearts with a frown, and ignores the way it makes him feel sick.
“You and the kid okay?” Aguni asks instead of answering, and Niragi thinks his own lack of answer says enough. “You should go apologize to him.”
“How do you know I was the one to start a fight?” Niragi huffs in annoyance at Aguni’s raised eyebrow, before the man goes back to the card game. He sighs, “I’m not so sure he wants to see me.”
“Chishiya always wants to see you,” Arisu says, “I can’t imagine the two of you fighting so badly he doesn’t.”
You don’t know what I said to him, Niragi thinks, but really would rather not go into it with the two men. “Can I shower in your room, Aguni?”
“That’s fine, but come back out here when you’re done. Ann and I learned some things going out into the city last night.”
“Thanks,” Niragi walks deeper into the house. Giving Usagi a simple good morning as he passes through the kitchen, and makes his way towards the bedrooms. He lingers for a moment in the hallway, staring at his bedroom door, before going into Aguni’s room. It’s better to give Chishiya space.
Niragi stands beneath the spray of the water and lets it wash away the sweat and sand from his body. He just wants Chishiya to understand. There are things in this world that people believe are right, and things people believe are wrong. If Niragi could change it, then he would, but he can’t.
He thinks of Ann and her loss. He struggles to understand how she was capable of healing…but she never experienced the violence while Niragi and her girlfriend did. And Kuina’s father was abusive, yet the woman doesn’t live in fear either. He just doesn’t understand how they can just exist when the world is against them.
You’ve never given yourself the chance to experience life any other way, Niragi. He lets Ann’s words linger in his head, and feels the weight of them settle on his shoulders and he has to fight to keep it from dragging him down. It’s always just been his life. It’s just been that way since he can remember. Niragi was meant for pain, but Chishiya makes him feel like maybe he deserves better.
Niragi finishes showering and dresses in a pair of fresh clothes from Aguni’s closet, because he’s sure as fuck not going into his own room.
“Why are you so afraid of yourself?”
“So now you want to talk?” Niragi sighs, taking a seat on the foot of the bed, “You don’t fucking know me.”
“All your companions see how low your opinion is of yourself. And you don’t think they’re wrong.”
“I know what I am.”
“Do you?”
Niragi doesn’t respond, because he’s honestly never really asked himself that question. It’s simply been that he’s always lived in pain, so there must be a reason for it, and the common denominator for everything that’s ever happened is him.
“You don’t deserve him.”
“I know,” Niragi rests his head in his hands. He knows he’s not giving Chishiya what the man wants, but he’s too selfish to let this thing between them go. He just knows he wants. “I don’t know what to do.”
The Joker says nothing, so Niragi doesn’t speak to it again. He just towel dries his hair and leaves Aguni’s room with his heart heavy and aching. He stares at their bedroom door and fights the urge to go to Chishiya. He knows he’s not wanted.
Everyone is eating in the living room when Niragi walks in, but he notices that Kuina and Chishiya are absent. And he wonders if the man is still crying.
“Come eat, Niragi,” Usagi smiles up at him from the couch, but he just shakes his head because he has no appetite. He just decides to lean against the wall, and when no one pushes him, he thinks they all know he’s fighting with Chishiya.
“They won’t move in the moonlight, but they’re still active in the dark,” Aguni breaks through the quiet, eating a spoonful of oatmeal. “As long as we stay outside we should be fine.”
But we won’t be, Niragi bitterly thinks, and is even more upset when the Joker doesn’t say anything.
“We’ll have to travel longer than we ever have to get to the final checkpoint. We’ll have to plan out exactly how and when we’ll travel,” Ann says, but her eyes flicker towards Niragi and he doesn’t know what the hell she’s hoping to find. “We found a gas station–“
“You’re hoping to drive?” Arisu asks around a mouthful of chips, “The noise alone–“
“Not if we go at night,” Ann looks annoyed, cutting him off just like he did to her, “We have to cover as much ground as we can before the sun comes up.”
“We’ll go tonight,” Aguni doesn’t leave any room for argument, but honestly staying here isn’t helping any of them. Niragi can heal all he fucking needs, but it’s only wasting time.
“We’ll have to take more than one car,” Ann says, “There aren’t any at the station that could fit us all. We’ve already filled them with gas and have extra containers in the trunks.”
Niragi doesn’t like the idea of having to split up when he’s not sure if Chishiya even wants to be around him. He thinks that just because they fought, it doesn’t mean that he’s not going to keep the man safe. He doesn’t want Chishiya to lose faith in him.
He’s silent during the rest of breakfast while everyone goes over strategy for tonight. It’s not missed on him that Ann is his new partner, but at least he knows Kuina would do anything for Chishiya.
Please keep him safe, Niragi begs in his mind. The Joker still hasn’t proved to keep Chishiya out of danger. And it’s not reassuring when it doesn’t respond.
The rest of the day is spent preparing. It’s the same routine of getting their backpacks ready and making sure they have their weapons. Niragi isn't pleased when Aguni gives him a studded bat, but he is relieved to find an assortment of handguns with silencers. It’s an added advantage that all of them can utilize. Niragi decides to keep a pistol holstered at each hip and cartridge belt with ten pouches.
He forces himself to eat dinner, but has to fight to keep it down. He just feels like absolute shit because he hasn’t seen Chishiya all day and he’s not used to not being close to the man. He just needs to say something before they go.
It’s what makes him knock on the bedroom door, and he hears voices whispering on the other side as he waits patiently impatiently.
The door is cracked open, and half of Kuina’s face pops out, but he doesn’t need to see her entire expression to know that she’s glaring at him.
“He doesn’t want to see you.”
“I know, but who knows if we’ll fucking make it tonight. I just need to talk to him. Please. I don’t want that to be his last memory of me.”
Kuina just stares at him, and for a second he thinks she’s just going to close the door in his face, but then she slips through the crack, hand fisting in his shirt and getting in his face with a sneer, “Be incredibly careful what you say to him.”
“I don’t want to hurt him.”
“You have already,” Kuina’s fingers curl in his shirt, “Don’t fuck up again.”
She lets him go and walks away, but he still stays in the hallway trying to collect himself. Niragi takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm his nerves. He doesn’t know how to fix what he’s broken, but he wants to try.
“Just go talk to him.”
“Will you shut up?” Niragi says quietly, because he doesn’t need the Joker in his head while he’s trying to apologize, “Just stay out of my head.”
The Joker doesn’t respond, so Niragi takes that as a sign it’ll shut the fuck up right now. And it’s fucking ridiculous that they seem to be talking regularly like goddamn friends. He doesn’t have time to worry about it though, taking another breath and entering the bedroom, closing the door behind him.
Chishiya is just a lump on the bed beneath the covers. Niragi isn’t sure if he should sit, so he just decides to stand there.
“Shuntaro–“
“Go away,” Chishiya cuts Niragi off weakly, voice scratchy like he’s been crying all night. It feels absolutely terrible to see him in such pain.
“I just want to talk,” Niragi says slowly, unsure of what to expect– screams or cries or pure silence. He doesn’t think any of them would feel particularly good right now. “We’ll be leaving tonight and I just want to talk in case something happens.”
The covers move slightly, tangled blonde hair revealed and pretty feline eyes peeking out. Chishiya’s eyes are red, and Niragi’s stomach twists painfully.
“I’m sorry,” Niragi fidgets awkwardly with the urge to go over and touch, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but you have to understand where I’m coming from. It’s not safe for people like you.”
“And what about you?” Chishiya’s voice is muffled beneath the blanket, but Niragi still hears him and it’s incredibly uncomfortable because it’s clear what the man is asking.
“If people saw us together, both of us could get hurt,” Niragi says carefully, and runs a hand through his hair. It’s longer and thicker and he wonders if he’s going to grow old and die here when he stays. “I just don’t want to put you in danger. I care about you–“
“Clearly not how I want you to,” Chishiya’s angry, but the way he’s wrapped up in the blanket makes him seem so small. Niragi still finds this delicateness so unsettling, finds these tears strange and pained emotions uncomfortable.
“You are everything to me,” Niragi thinks honesty got them here, but maybe it’ll take them back to where they were. “I can’t imagine my life without you–“
“And how do you imagine it?” Chishiya sits up, blanket falling to his lap, and Niragi just wants to know why he’s not wearing a shirt, because displaying all that soft, creamy skin is just not productive to this conversation.
Niragi looks away, face feeling hot, “Just us together…”
“I’m not some secret,” Chishiya's voice is incredibly cold and it’s been a while since there’s been no warmth between them. “I’m not some unnatural–“
“I didn’t mean it that way. I swear I didn’t,” Niragi stares down at the floor and when Chishiya doesn’t respond, he starts talking again, “People are hurt, Shuntaro. I was hurt. And maybe people are seeing something in me that’s worth beating out of me…” It’s still silent, and he’s not sure if that’s good or bad, so he keeps rambling. “I saw all sorts of shit living on the streets, and the people who had it the worst were people like you, like Ann and Kuina. All types of fucking assault– rape, harassment, physical violence– and maybe there’s fucking safe spaces or some shit, but it’s hard to even get an apartment or keep a job if someone outed you. You think we could get a fucking house if people thought we were together?”
“Kuina says it’s safe–“
“She’s wrong– I mean– I don’t fucking know– it’s never been safe to me. If I’m what everyone says, then I’ve never been fucking safe.”
“Can you look at me?”
Niragi fights the urge to have his eyes linger on all that exposed skin, and keeps his eyes locked with Chishiya’s. He sighs, because he’s not ready to come to terms with whatever the hell he’s supposed to. Chishiya must see that too because he looks incredibly sad.
“I can’t be with you,” Chishiya’s voice is small, “I can’t be with someone who hates himself so much, because maybe you don’t realize it, but it means you hate me too.”
“I could never hate–“
“I deserve more than this,” Chishiya’s eyes are watery, but maybe it’s Niragi’s vision making things look a bit wet, “I deserve to be cared about in the way I want to be cared about.”
“I don’t know how much more I can give you,” Niragi's soul belongs to the man. He has absolutely nothing else to give when his very existence is the beating heart of Chishiya Shuntaro.
“Then maybe that’s the problem,” Chishiya gets out of bed quickly, pushing past him harshly, but Niragi grabs the man’s delicate wrist tightly, “Let go of me.”
“Just wait a second,” Niragi makes a grunt of pain when Chishiya hits him on the chest with an angry fist, but is still somehow careful of his stitches. Chishiya tries to hit him again, so he grabs the man’s other wrist just as firmly.
“Get off,” Chishiya hisses, but Niragi isn’t done with this conversation. He can’t let the other man just leave. He hisses at the kick to his shin, and to save his body from further harm finds it easier to pin Chishiya to the wall and keep both man’s legs pressed against it between his. “Get off.”
“Just fucking wait,” Niragi is stronger, so it’s almost too easy to keep Chishiya still. “You’re not breaking up with me.”
“You don’t even want to be my boyfriend–“
“Stop assuming things,” Niragi is forced to keep Chishiya’s hands on the wall, and using his strength like this isn’t something he finds enjoyable anymore. “Relax–“
“If you don’t get off me I’m screaming–“
“Shuntaro, just wait a minute.”
“Kui–“
Niragi is forced to clamp a hand on Chishiya’s mouth, keeping both wrists in the other hand, while the man tries to angrily bite him. There’s a tongue on his palm that makes him want to laugh because it’s so childish, but nothing about this is funny. “I’m trying to tell you I’m sorry.” He barely avoids the knee to his groin, but it’s enough for his hand to slip and he winces when Chishiya bites his palm harshly, “Fucking hell!”
“Leave me alone!”
This time Niragi lets the man push him away and he’s frustrated because he feels like he’s done nothing to fix it. It doesn’t stop him from blocking the door though, and Chishiya glares at him heatedly.
“We’re not leaving this house if we’re fighting,” Niragi says firmly, “I don’t want you to hate me and I fucking die or something–“
“Shut up,” Chishiya pushes him roughly and like when the hell did they ever get physical like this before, “I don’t hate you and you’re not dying.”
“Shun–“
“God you’re such an idiot!” Chishiya pushes him again and his back hits the door, “Why would you say that! You’re not dying!”
Chishiya’s fingers curl into the front of Niragi’s shirt and tears drip from his eyes and down his slightly sunburnt cheeks. His bottom lip trembles and Niragi just touches him, doesn’t know what else can be done, hands cradling his face and thumbs wiping at his tears.
“You’re not dying, you’re not–“
“Okay, okay, I’m not,” Niragi presses their foreheads together, “We’ll be fine.”
“Of course he will,” the Joker’s voice fills his head, and Niragi mentally tells it to shut up.
“I’m sorry for what I’ve said,” Niragi says gently, letting Chishiya press up against him, “I just don’t want anyone to hurt you.”
“I don’t understand…”
But how can Chishiya, when Niragi has never understood why anything happened to him in the first place, other than him just being wrong.
And he doesn’t quite understand why he does it, but he tilts his chin, catching Chishiya’s lips between his. The man gasps delicately, but instead of pushing him away, hands slide up into his hair and grip the strands tightly.
It’s just as good as it was the first time, and it’s just affirmation that he likes Chishiya, but physical intimacy always repulsed him, and he can feel hands on his skin and it makes him want to get sick…but then the man lets out the softest moan, and it has Niragi’s hands moving down to hold a slim waist, skin so smooth and warm.
It’s still simple, there’s no tongue or feverish movements, just their lips brushing gently. Niragi has to admit that he likes this, but it still scares him, so he pulls away carefully, and enjoys Chishiya’s dissatisfied whine. The man stares up at him with hopeful eyes and Niragi swallows nervously.
“I’m scared, Shuntaro. I’m so fucking scared. If something happened to you…they don’t see you like I see you. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you– I swear– but the world does and–“
“Stop,” Chishiya says firmly, but his voice is still soft, “I think you need to see the beauty in us…and until you do…I can’t be with you…not like this…Do you understand?”
“Yes,” Niragi says weakly, heart shattering at the rejection. He’s been trying his hardest and it’s not enough. But he’s not going to give up.
“I love you,” Chishiya’s admission has Niragi feeling like he’s going to burst like a supernova, and fingers play with his hair, threading through the strands, “And I hope that you love me too.”
“Tell him you do.”
Shut up, Niragi says in his head as the Joker’s voice rattles around in his skull.
“You clearly do.”
Shut the hell–
“Are you okay?” Chishiya asks worriedly, and Niragi focuses back on the man in front of him with a simple nod, “It’s like you disappeared for a moment.”
“I’m fine,” Niragi misses the touch immediately when Chishiya moves away from him, “I just want to give you everything.”
Chishiya’s sharp eyes almost soften, and they shine in the afternoon light streaming in through the window, “I know you do, Suguru,” he bites his lip awkwardly, “I should get ready to go.”
“Try to eat something too, please, you need your strength. I can bring you something…” Niragi hates not knowing if he’s wanted now.
“Did you already eat?”
“Yeah,” Niragi nods, sort of wanting to cry, “There’s actually quite a bit of food we cooked…we’ll pick up more tonight. I’ll go make you a plate–“
“No, it’s fine. I’m sure Kuina is already doing it for me.”
“Yeah, probably,” Niragi mumbles, because he thinks it’s his time to leave. He absolutely hates this distance between them and knows he’s the cause for it. “I’m sorry.”
“I know, Suguru…” Chishiya’s fingers twitch, and Niragi is wondering if the man wants to touch him just as much too. “I’m going to take a shower. Who knows what the next place will be like.”
“Okay, yeah, I’ll just go…help Aguni with something I guess…” Niragi doesn’t move and neither does Chishiya, like neither quite want to leave with this distance growing between them. He could just walk closer and touch–
“Chi? Are you alright?” Kuina’s voice calls through the door and Niragi sighs, anticipation between the two men evaporating.
“I’m fine, Kuina,” Chishiya says, then lets out his own sigh, “I’m going to get ready.”
“Sure,” Niragi says, and turns to open the door just as Chishiya disappears into the bathroom. Kuina is standing there with narrowed eyes, like she’s unsure if he’s made the situation worse. “He’s fucking fine,” he swallows nervously at her clenched fist.
“He better be, Niragi Suguru.”
“You think I’d intentionally hurt him? I already know I’m a fucking idiot.”
Kuina huffs out a gentle laugh, “Well it’s good you know that at least.”
“I’m just going to go do something…” Niragi trails off, unsure of what he’s actually going to do. And he’d rather not face the wrath of Kuina and her protectiveness over Chishiya.
“This conversation isn’t over. I’ll be traveling with you instead,” Kuina gives him a dangerous grin and he fidgets because she’s honestly terrifying and he thinks she’s going to tear into him. He’d almost rather get mauled by a horde of zombies.
“That’s fine,” Niragi thinks she knows he’s dreading the car ride, and he’s just hoping Aguni can placate the situation since the three of them will be stuck together. “I’m gonna look at the guns.”
“Whatever,” Kuina still has a cruel smile on her face and it has him scurrying away from her, and ignoring her pleased laugh at his fear.
“Fucking terrifying women,” Niragi mutters, because all three of them are fucking forces to be reckoned with.
Niragi sighs. It’s going to be a long fucking trip.
Chapter 28
Notes:
I have returned! Happy New Year 💗
Chapter Text
Chapter 28
“You’ll be alright?” Niragi asks softly, leaning against the open car window with anxiety creeping up all around him. He hates that they’re separating. He doesn’t fucking trust the calm.
“Well maybe if you weren’t such an asshole, he’d want to go with you,” the Joker spits out, rattling around in his mind. It clearly disagrees with them splitting up just as much as he does.
“Can you just shut up?” Niragi responds as loudly as he can in his mind, already sick of having someone else in it.
“It’ll be fine,” Chishiya says, from where he’s sitting in the backseat, and fuck, Niragi wants to touch him– hates not being sure if it’s allowed anymore. His crossbow sits in his lap and Niragi avoids asking him if he can handle himself when they’re not together. It’d just piss him off if it came off with the implication that he’s incompetent. “I’ll be fine.”
“I know, I know,” Niragi’s fingers twitch from where they’re resting on the chipped forest green paint of the Jeep. “I just want you to be safe.”
“I know you do, Suguru,” Chishiya is staring up at him with gentleness and it’s like none of this bullshit is splintering them, but he still notices that there’s a sadness in those feline eyes that feels like there’s so much distance. “You need to be careful too.”
“Of course I will, princess,” Niragi gives him a grin even if his heart isn’t really in it. He knows what’s happened between them is all his fucking fault, but he still wants Chishiya to know that they mean something to him. “I want you to know I’ll always take care of you, you know that, right?”
“Of course I do,” Chishiya says, placing a hand on his arm through the window, fingers curling around his bicep in a reassuring squeeze, “I’ve never doubted that.”
“Good,” Niragi isn’t really sure what else to say to that, because at least Chishiya still has faith that he’ll always take care of the other.
“Tell him you love him.”
Niragi ignores the Joker, and tries to convince himself that it’s more he doesn’t want someone else dictating his relationship than admitting that he’s scared. He cares so fucking much, but uttering those three simple words is terrifying. He doesn’t really think Chishiya wants to hear them anyways.
“I should finish packing up with Aguni,” Niragi doesn’t want to leave Chishiya’s side, but they’re wasting precious night that can be spent traveling past motionless zombies. “Take care of yourself.”
Chishiya’s hand leaves his arm and Niragi fucking aches. It hurts even fucking more to walk away.
“You alright, kid?” Aguni is loading an extra container of gasoline into the back of their own Jeep when he walks over, looking at him all concerned like the man actually cares– genuinely does– but Niragi doesn’t think he deserves much of it for how he’s hurt Chishiya.
“It doesn’t matter how I feel–“
“Bullshit,” Aguni cuts him off with a firm hand on his shoulder, “I don’t think any of us want you hurting.”
“I hurt him first,” Niragi shrugs the hand off his shoulder and slumps against the car, sitting on the flat surface of the open trunk. It’s packed with food from the grocery store nearby that they raided, never knowing what they’ll find– or won’t find– next. They’ve just brought shit from the house that they hope there’s more of at the next place– medical supplies, blankets, and the remaining water containers– filling up both cars with everything. It’s pissing him off that the Joker can’t give him any tips.
“So do better and don’t hurt him again,” Aguni says, like it’s so goddamn simple, never mind that Niragi knows it fucking isn’t. Aguni must see the irritation on his face, because the man sighs, “Are you really surprised shit like this isn’t easy for you?”
“No,” Niragi grumbles, because it’s honestly fitting that things are crumbling around him. “We had a good thing. If he just didn’t–if he just didn’t try to complicate it.”
“Maybe you’re the one making it complicated by trying to simplicate it,” Aguni makes sense, but also doesn’t, so Niragi just slumps down further against the bags of food in the trunk and hopes they can throw a few more on top of him so he can suffocate. But he’s only grabbed by the front of the shirt and tugs him up into a standing position. “You can wallow at the next checkpoint, but you need to get your shit together.”
“It is together,” Niragi defends himself, but is sure that it doesn’t seem like it is, but it is. He’d never let himself not have his guard up in this place when Chishiya’s life is on the line, and everyone else too.
“You guys ready to go?” Kuina peeks around the car and both men nod, because they can’t be anything but ready. “Niragi should drive.”
“Why me?”
“So you don’t get sick,” Kuina looks at him like he’s a bit dumb, and honestly, based on how shit is going, he has to agree with her.
“That’s probably a good idea,” he agrees, because if something bad ends up happening, he can’t afford to be physically off.
“Cool. I’m just gonna say bye– I mean I’m just gonna talk to Ann,” Kuina corrects herself, because none of them want to say goodbye to anyone. They’re going to make it to the safe zone, and it doesn’t matter what the next obstacle will be.
“You’re not going to fuck us over, right?” Niragi asks the Joker, but gets no response. He fucking hates it that he's not the one who has the power here.
He can’t help watching Kuina and Ann’s soft kiss against the car ahead, and the way the women’s foreheads are pressed together, fingers interlocked as they just breathe each other in like there’s no one else in the world.
He doesn’t care if they kiss. He hopes everyone understands that. But he sure as hell would be stressed if they weren’t in this wasteland where no one is going to hurt them. And he thinks back to his conversation with Ann, thinking it’s absolutely insane how she’s just okay to try this shit again when it worked out so horribly for her last time.
And even if he stayed here with Chishiya, the man is smart enough to know that Niragi’s opinion on being gay won’t have changed just because they might be safe here. He’s pretty sure that Chishiya will only be satisfied if he really does start to think differently.
“That scare you?”
Niragi doesn’t even bother looking behind him as Aguni talks from the backseat. “A kiss doesn’t fucking scare me. It’s what can happen from doing something like that that scares me.”
“Figured it’d be something like that,” Aguni says, as the two men watch the women speak to each other, likely sharing reassurances, “It was only a matter of time until your baggage got in the way of whatever you and Chishiya have been working towards.”
“The world is dangerous,” Niragi fully believes it, and he doesn’t think that will ever change, but something about seeing Ann and Kuina together just makes him feel like there’s worth in ignoring everything when they’ve got what they’ve got. And he wonders if him and Chishiya look like that when they’re together. But it doesn’t matter. “It’s too easy to get caught up in the good stuff. It’s more important to face reality and survive it.”
“It’s like you don’t know how to fucking live, kid.”
“I guess I haven’t really,” Niragi feels like he’s losing all his defenses, because even just a week ago he’d be snapping at any of them trying to see beneath the layers of armor he’s built around himself. But now he’s just agreeing with all of Aguni’s assumptions that aren’t even wrong. He thinks he’s going soft for everyone else now too.
“And you’re just okay with that?” Aguni’s question isn’t really a question, because they both know he isn’t.
Niragi looks back at the man through the rearview mirror, and isn’t surprised by the frustration on the man’s face. They all think he’s being a dumbass. He closes his eyes and sighs heavily, “I don’t know what the fuck to do alright?”
Aguni doesn’t respond, and it’s sort of a hopeless feeling because even the other man doesn’t know how Niragi can change.
Niragi decides not to say anything else either, a silence settling between the two men. It’s not uncomfortable between them, but Niragi is still definitely uncomfortable. He’s just fucking confused, because he’s come to understand the world as one thing, yet there’s people telling him he’s just been seeing everything wrong– or at least only one side of the coin.
But are his feelings for Chishiya enough to undo over twenty years of all this shit that’s fucked him up?
“It should be.”
“Yeah it should be,” Niragi responds to the Joker, almost speaking out loud.
“I’m growing concerned it takes losing him for you to get your head out of your ass–“
“I’m not going to lose him,” Niragi practically feels the idiot sitting next to him, and if he could see the Joker’s face is sure the other is looking at him like he’s dirt. “Aren’t you supposed to fucking help me?”
“I’m doing everything I can, but it’s not so simple.”
“Aren’t you in control of this stupid place?”
“I’ve already told you that they intervene–“
“Niragi!”
His eyes snap open, startled by Kuina’s loud voice, and he finds her snapping fingers in front of his face. He huffs out a breathe, “You fucking scared me.”
“Well you scared me. It’s like you couldn’t even hear me,” she accuses him, and he doesn’t really have a comeback to that because he certainly can’t be honest about it.
“Sorry, just a lot on my mind,” Niragi runs a hand down his face, because that’s technically the truth– just not all of it.
Kuina nods in understanding, “We all do.”
The rearview lights on the car in front of them turn on, so Niragi turns the key in the ignition and he’s soon following behind Ann as they begin their drive.
There’s very few zombies, but it still puts Niragi on edge, even if the creatures are just staring up at the moon with milky eyes. He doesn’t think it can be this easy, and he’s sure everyone else feels the same way,
He glances at his watch, and thinks it’ll be at least three hours to the key, but then getting to the safe zone is much quicker– probably an hour.
Niragi is tense, but it’s more from the drive, as they sometimes have to move slowly through thicker clusters of zombies– taking side streets and making their drive longer than it should be.
But thirty minutes into the drive, he starts to realize its been quiet. And he doesn’t know why the fuck it’s so quiet.
It’s like Aguni just knows not to speak, because it’s universally understood that Kuina has shit to say to Niragi. And he wonders why she’s not saying it. It’s awkward. It’s literally so fucking awkward.
Niragi’s palms feel sweaty as he drives carefully behind the car in front of them, maneuvering around moon frozen zombies. He’d really rather be anywhere but here, preferably hiding in the back of the car, but for the sake of his motion sickness, he’s been elected to drive.
Kuina seems relaxed in the passenger seat, as she suddenly starts sharpening the arrowhead of her weapon, and Aguni is still so silent it’s almost easy to forget the man is even sitting in the backseat of the car.
And after another thirty minutes pass, he’s unsure if he’s the one that’s supposed to start this conversation, because it’s clearly not Aguni, but it should be Kuina. Which is why sitting here in silence for the past hour is just fucking confusing. He thinks it’d be foolish to let his guard down, when he’s still certain the woman is going to tear into him.
He drives in sync with each subtle turn of the car ahead, mimicking Ann’s direction as she drives the other jeep. He glances at the cluster of zombies to his left and their empty stares up at the moon, eyes white and cloudy. He looks at the gps again and thinks that with the way their drive seems to be becoming longer, then hopefully they’ll be able to make it to the next checkpoint by early morning. If getting the key doesn’t fuck them over.
The scrape of silver against silver has Niragi wincing, and he thinks Kuina is being particularly harsh as she sharpens her weapon. He’s pretty sure that she’s doing it on purpose to stress him out.
“I thought you were going to tell me how fucking stupid I am,” Niragi finally breaks the silence, because he feels like he’s going to be crawling out of his skin. He’s pretty sure she’s just been torturing him and waiting for him to break.
“Is that what you want me to tell you?” Kuina puts her weapon down in her lap, and Niragi thinks the lack of repetitive noise and this pure silence again is almost more horrible.
“Isn’t that what you’re supposed to say?”
“I don’t know, Niragi. What is it you think I should say to you?”
Niragi doesn’t get what her fucking game is, but it just pisses him off. He knows he’s a piece of shit and just wants her to call him out on it. “I don’t deserve him.”
“It’s interesting you think that. Chishiya seems to think that you’re perfect for him.”
“Fucking hell, Kuina. What do you want me to say?” Niragi's fingers tighten on the steering wheel, “I totally suck. I’m a fucking asshole and I should’ve never said those things to him.”
“You shouldn’t have, and unlike Chishiya I don’t have hope that you’ll be able to give him what he wants, at least not for a long time.”
“What the hell does that even mean?” Niragi’s eyes flicker over towards her before focusing back on the road. She’s not even looking at him, as she resumes sharpening her weapon. “I can’t, but then I can?”
“It takes a long fucking time to undo whatever it is going on in your head. You think I just walked out of my parents house and was healed? Even during my transition there was this thought in my head that I was disgusting.”
“So how the hell did you get over it?”
“I never tried whatever mental gymnastics you attempt. I knew I was a woman and I knew I was a lesbian–“
“I’m not fucking gay,” Niragi says angrily, because why the hell is this so fucking important to everyone?
Kuina laughs, but it’s mean and sharp, “Well you’re clearly not straight. You could still be a lot of things, but you’re not straight, Niragi.”
Niragi is honestly tempted to stop the car and kick her out, because what the fuck does she even fucking know about him. He likes Chishiya; that’s been fucking established. And he knows that he actually enjoys their delicate kisses, but he’s not going to fucking kiss anyone else– not a woman or man. “I only like Chishiya. Sex is fucking gross.”
She hums in thought, like she’s just considered something, “Were you assaulted?”
“Jesus fucking Christ. You don’t just ask people that shit—” Niragi sees movement from the corner of his eyes, and finds Aguni leaning forward enough that his head is almost between the front seats. Niragi grits his teeth, “Can you like, fuck off?”
“I’m observing,” Aguni says simply, but respectfully leans back against the seats and out of their space.
“I asked you a question,” Kuina takes his attention away from Aguni being a fucking bitch, and he notices her voice is softer. He’s not sure if he wants her angry or not, because he doesn’t like to be treated like he’s delicate from anyone other than Chishiya.
“I ran away from home and did what I had to do to survive,” Niragi snaps at her, because he doesn’t think she’ll drop it. “Just because we’re in the apocalypse doesn’t mean there’s no fucking conversation etiquette.”
“You seem to associate sexuality with sex,” Kuina says, a particularly harsh sound of scraping silver filling the space once again, “But there’s more to it than physical intimacy.”
“It’s only ever made me sick,” Niragi grumbles, thinking of hands on him, and it’s a miracle he managed to get it up, but he guesses it still felt good even if he was disgusted by it. “Chishiya is the only person who touched me normally I guess. You and Usagi too.”
“It makes much more sense now,” Kuina grabs her canteen from the cup holder and takes a moment to drink before speaking again, “I mean how can you even move your relationship forward with Chishiya when you’re traumatized like that.”
“I’m fucking fine,” Niragi fucking hates feeling like there’s something wrong with him, “I wasn’t assaulted. I just don’t like sex.”
“It’s this denial that is going to really separate you from Chishiya. You have to accept yourself if you want to give him all your heart. He won’t take you back otherwise.”
“She’s right, you know,” the Joker says, and Niragi almost physically shakes his head to get the voice out of it.
“It shouldn’t matter that he’s a man,” Aguni says from the backseat, and Niragi fights the urge to flip the man off. He thinks that three fucking people telling him what to fucking do is going to have him crash the car just to shut them up.
“Ann thinks you’re not homophobic, that you’re just scared, but it’s hard to believe that when you can say such horrible things.”
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being fucking gay,” Niragi sighs at Kuina’s words, “But most people believe it’s not right, so it never will be.”
“You told him it wasn’t natural,” Kuina’s tone turns icy and he honestly doesn’t know what the hell she’ll feel next.
“In this world, I mean our real world, it’s not something that’s natural. Society doesn’t look at people like you as people.”
“You’re trapped in a box. I was too,” Kuina says, “When you’re forced to think one way, it’s almost impossible to untrain your beliefs. But it’s not scary to be gay in Tokyo, I mean sure some people are assholes, but I think you’re making it out to be worse than it actually is.”
“It’s the truth–“
“Fuck kid, you need to start realizing that there’s millions of people like us.”
Niragi’s brain stutters as he considers Aguni’s words, “You’re gay?”
“I just like people. Doesn’t matter who,” Aguni shrugs in the backseat as Niragi stares at him through the mirror. It makes him curious to know what the man’s relationship was with the Hatter, and he faintly remembers Heiya’s words at the lake house.
“Chishiya seems to be under the assumption that the two of you aren’t even going back–“
“He’s going back,” Niragi cuts her off harshly, because he’s not going to be selfish and keep Chishiya here with him. He sees confusion on her face when he looks at her, but she thankfully doesn’t question his choice of wording. “He’s just confused right now.”
“He just wants to be with you, Niragi,” Kuina sighs heavily, “But he’s starting to think you don’t actually want him the way he thought you did.”
“I just want him. Isn’t that enough?”
“You’ll always be enough for Chishiya,” Kuina’s voice softens, no doubt thinking of her best friend’s fluttering heart, “But you have to decide if you’re prepared to lose him.”
“I don’t want to lose him,” Niragi is frustrated, because he isn’t sure what else he can do. Chishiya loves him, but for some reason Niragi just can’t. He knows that he’s fucking scared, and it’s humiliating to admit.
“Then you can start by watching your mouth,” the woman threatens, and there’s a bite to her voice that has him swallowing nervously. “I’d rather not have to hurt you, Niragi Suguru.”
“I don’t think you’re the only one who would have to teach him a lesson,” Aguni chimes in, and Niragi thinks everyone is way too much up in his fucking business.
He’s honestly beginning to wonder if everyone’s fucking gay to some degree and wonders how he got stuck with all these people who make him nervously reflect. He doesn’t want to believe that there’s something he needs to learn about himself.
“Your time is precious here, and you decide to spend it rejecting him,” The Joker is clearly accusing him of being a total dick, and it’s not like he doesn’t know he is. He chooses not to respond.
“It’s taking longer to get to the key than it should,” Kuina says, thankfully changing the subject as she looks down at her watch. That still doesn’t mean that Niragi doesn’t feel anxiety fill his body.
“What the hell are you planning?” he asks the Joker in his head, but there’s no response this time and that just stresses him out further.
“It’s not like it’s supposed to be easy,” Niragi says, because nothing ever is here.
“The third challenge was the hardest last time. I’m worried what this one will be,” Kuina sighs, “I’m sick of this place.”
“We all are,” Aguni grumbles, and there’s a lingering of pain in his voice that Niragi knows is only a sliver of his agony.
Another thirty minutes passes in silence, as more zombies block multiple roads. It has Niragi on edge because they’re really falling behind on time, and they’re fucked if the sun comes up. The moon is bright in the sky, but he still doesn’t feel safe.
“I hate this unknown,” Kuina says and Niragi notices her checking her watch again from the corner of his eye, “We’re getting closer.”
“But we keep taking detours,” Niragi immediately turns left behind Ann into a side street, “I don’t want to think how many zombies will be waiting for us.”
“Maybe we won’t make it to the key until sunrise.”
“Then we’re screwed,” Aguni’s voice carries from the back seat, and Niragi has to agree with him.
“I mean it can’t be another hour, right?”
“If things go well,” Niragi says to her, because it’s already been three and a half hours. They’re definitely behind the schedule they predicted.
“I wish we had a way to talk to the others,” Kuina slumps down in her seat a bit, “I hate being separated.”
Neither men have to say anything, because it’s clear both agree. Niragi feels like it’s seriously some sort of trick and he wishes the Joker would just fucking tell him what to expect.
“I can’t spoil the game.”
Niragi’s fingers tighten on the steering wheel and this time can help the hissed “asshole.”
“What’d you say?” Kuina asks, because why else would Niragi be talking if it’s not to them.
He shakes his head, pretty sure he’s losing it having someone else in there. “It’s nothing. Just worried, that’s all.”
He looks up at the sky at the full moon shining down on the sandy asphalt, and once again thinks that this is way too fucking easy. He wants to know what Chishiya is thinking, because Niragi knows the man is already cycling through multiple thoughts.
“He’s alright, ya know.”
Niragi glances over at Kuina for a brief moment. He knows who she’s talking about, and wonders if it’s always so clear on his face when he’s thinking about Chishiya. Niragi sighs, “I know he is. He’s getting used to this shit, but that’s also what I don’t fucking like. He doesn’t need to be a hero.”
“You can’t just take on all the responsibility.”
“What else am I supposed to do? Just let him think he can do what we do?”
“Have some faith in the kid,” Aguni says, which Niragi thinks is just absolutely ridiculous because he also knows that Chishiya is severely lacking in combat skills.
“He’s also done stupid shit,” Niragi sighs heavily, thinking of how the blonde has already tried to save his life so many times. He doesn’t want Chishiya to be in a position where the man has to intentionally go into further danger. Aguni and Kuina haven’t had to worry about their partners capabilities…though even Heiya didn’t survive. It’s fucking terrifying.
“We can die at any moment–“
“Don’t–“
“We could, Niragi,” Kuina cuts him off firmly, “Are you really going to let all your bullshit ruin what you have with Chishiya? We don’t know what the hell is going to happen next, but you love him and he needs to know that.”
Niragi’s jaw clenches in irritation, because they’re fucking back to this now. He feels like it’s pretty obvious he’s not going to say he loves Chishiya, at least not to anyone else other than Chishiya. “Does it really matter? He knows how I feel about the world and he’s not going to care if I confess anything.”
“Of course he’ll care,” Kuina huffs in annoyance, “but he wants you to love yourself too–“
“I don’t think that’ll ever happen,” Niragi thinks that just the idea of loving himself is fucking laughable. He’s too messed up inside to ever be able to do that.
“You’re thinking about this the wrong way.”
“How should I think about it then?” He already feels his anger growing, and how he just wants to stop this conversation. He fucking hates everyone getting into his life.
“Is it really about us or is it that you’re just scared for yourself?”
“No, I’m fucking terrified for him,” Niragi says, shaking his head, “Because I know what people are capable of.”
“If you keep him here–“
“We’re not keeping him here,” Niragi stops the Joker before it can ever finish its sentence. And it takes him a moment to realize that Kuina is speaking. “What?”
“Are you alright? You’ve been so…spacey,” she’s looking at him with concern from the corner of his eye, but once again he can’t tell them he’s talking to the fucking Joker.
“I’m fine,” he waves his hand before placing it back on the wheel and continuing to follow behind Ann, “What were you saying?” Even if he doesn’t really want to know.
“That you can’t let fear control your life,” Kuina says softly, voice so sweet it’s almost like she’s hugging him.
It makes Niragi think back to the endless pit, and the terror of falling as his life flashed before his eyes…but then Chishiya was there reaching out for him– touching him.
All of Niragi’s fears had withered up and crumbled like dust, because why should he be afraid of his past when Chishiya is his present?
But he hadn’t really understood their relationship yet, and now that it’s clear what the fuck is happening between them, it’s just unveiled a completely new fear. He’s not afraid of the past. He’s afraid of the future. He’s afraid of Chishiya’s future with him and how that could get the man fucking killed.
He wonders if it matters now because he’s staying here…but what if Chishiya meets someone new and can still get fucking hurt?
“Why are you so against keeping him here?”
Niragi rolls his eyes in annoyance at the Joker’s question, “And just have him stuck in this shithole?”
“There are things you don’t understand–“
“Then tell me.”
“I cannot…it would be far too much manipulation in the game.”
“Because they’re watching?”
“Yes–“
“Yo kid!” Aguni swats him on the arm and Niragi almost swerves into a pole, righting the wheel quickly.
“Fuck, what the fuck?” Niragi looks in the rearview mirror angrily, but only sees concern on Aguni’s face. It’s not like he wasn’t driving just fine.
“I think someone else should drive,” Kuina sounds extremely worried, but he’s fucking fine.
“I’m not going to fucking crash,” Niragi defends himself, even if he’s sure he doesn’t seem fine. He looks at his watch, “We’re almost there anyways. Like literally almost there.”
“Yeah, but you don’t seem okay–“
“I’m okay,” he snaps at Kuina, not meaning to be such an asshole, but carrying this burden sucks and he doesn’t need everyone else to start getting all anxious over him. He fights a heavy sigh that would just be rude, “I’m just tired from sleeping in the fucking sand.” He squints a bit as the road darkens, and thinks maybe he is just fucking exhausted—
He doesn’t even fully register the car spinning, flipping a few times as he hits his head harshly on the steering wheel, and then everything goes black.
Chapter 29
Notes:
I didn’t really mean to be gone this long, but life right? Getting my back into my writing kick which feels so gooooodddd
Love you all for staying in this with me 💗
Chapter Text
Chapter 29
Niragi honestly feels like he’s been hit by a truck, head throbbing and hair feeling wet as something drips up the side of his face. He opens his eyes slowly, only because there’s an incessant pounding sound that just makes his mind ache with each hard thump.
It takes him a moment to realize that he’s upside down, arms hanging helpless beneath him and feeling like he’s being restricted, something tight wrapped around his waist and compressing against his chest that burns. Niragi groans, trying to fucking get himself back together.
“Suguru!”
There’s that pounding again, and he turns his head with fuzzy vision to find fists slamming against something that seems to be separating him from whoever is trying to get to him.
He attempts to collect himself, slowly gathering his bearings as he looks around him. He’s in a car– upside down– and he touches his head, fingers coming back wet with some dark substance that drips across his hand. It’s hard to see when it’s so dark, but there’s light in the distance. Niragi groans again, voice thick with pain, as he continues to look around. There’s someone beside him that doesn’t seem to be moving, and then an even harder thumping sound.
“We–gotta–get–the–fuck–out–of–here,” each word is separated by thumps.
His hands move forward and he’s startled by a loud beep.
“Suguru! You need to get out!”
Niragi smells smoke, and he coughs harshly as it slowly fills his mouth and into his lungs. The sound of something shattering is loud in his ears and he winces as the noise pierces in his skull. Niragi covers his ears at more cracking sounds.
But then someone grabs his arm, and is tugging him. He hits the ground harshly, the pressure from his chest is gone. Something beeps loudly when he hits it and just doesn’t stop with the pressure of his body weight.
“Get out of the car!”
He blearily and awkwardly crawls out, arm being pulled harshly. It’s honestly an effort to stand, but he’s supported by an arm around his waist. He smells faint apples beneath the smoke.
“Shu-Shuntaro?” Niragi questions, blinking and trying to adjust his vision, because fuck he hit his head hard.
“It’s me,” Chishiya says softly, a hand on his chest, curled slightly into his shirt and pulling him far away from the car.
“What the hell happened?”
Niragi’s eyes focus on a blurry figure that clears up a bit after a few more blinks, Arisu is standing there pacing back and forth.
“You guys just flipped!” Arisu’s shout has Niragi wincing at the noise. Shit, he probably has a concussion.
“It’s like something hit us,” Aguni says looking to the right, and Niragi follows his gaze to see a large dent on the side of the car. Right. He was in that. Fuck.
Niragi fights through his headache and oncoming nausea to focus on the situation. It seems like he’s not the only one who got fucked up, watching Ann gently pat a groaning Kuina’s cheek as she sits on the floor in a daze. She was passed out just like he was a few minutes ago, but at least it seems like Aguni is pretty much unscathed.
“We’re close to the key…” Usagi looks down at her watch with a frown, “Maybe something really did hit you…”
“Yeah, but what?” Niragi asks, voice a little weak with how his head still throbs. He wants to ask the Joker what the hell is next, because it certainly can’t be anything fucking good, but doesn’t think it will say anything. And his assumptions are correct when there’s no voice speaking in his head.
Niragi looks around, trying to see where they are, but all he sees are shadowy shapes barely illuminated by the moonlight, and some sign in a strange language lit up by the headlights of the car. He wipes at the blood that drips down the side of his face and just tries to get himself together before shit actually goes down.
They’re not safe and he knows it.
Chishiya’s hands are on his face, wiping at the blood dripping down the side of his jaw with a scratchy linen sleeve. The man is frowning and Niragi just wants to cure any sadness that he’s caused. “Your stitches might’ve come undone. I should check–“
“I’m alright,” Niragi says, placing a hand over Chishiya’s own. There’s no time to fuss over himself. “I’m alright.”
“I don’t think we can leave,” Ann’s hand is placed off her holstered gun on her thigh, and most of the others already have weapons drawn. He’s a bit concerned with the way Kuina sways, sword in hand scraping against the ground.
“Where are we?” Usagi looks around, but it’s hard to see in the dark.
“It doesn’t matter,” Aguni says, “We shouldn’t be out in the open.”
“The lights from the cars never affected the zombies–“
“I really don’t think any of that matters right now,” Niragi cuts Usagi off, unsure whether or not he should use his guns or the small axe he decided to carry. His stitches would have easily come undone with the scythe.
The strangest sound pierces through the air from the distance, a warped sort of scream– wet and ripped from lungs and sounding inhuman.
Niragi pulls Chishiya even more tightly against him, just instinctual, and is relieved that the man doesn’t pull away. He’s still trusted, and that at least means something.
“What the hell was that!?” Kuina speaks louder than Niragi thinks she should, but honestly he’s just as freaked out by the unknown as her.
“It’s too empty here,” Chishiya says quietly, and Niragi is sure that he’s the only one that can hear it.
“What’re you thinking?” Niragi whispers back.
“That it’s not going to be this way fairly quickly,” Chishiya looks up, and Niragi looks up with him, noticing with horror the way the thick clouds hide the moon from view.
He doesn’t want to say that he jumps, but he isn’t going to pretend that he isn’t terrified the minute music fills the air.
Wherever it is that they’re supposed to be is now lit up, and to their right is the entrance to a massive peaked, red and white striped tent that promises nothing good inside. Niragi really doesn’t want to know what they’ll find— the warped scream carries through the distance once again and he tenses. It’s not like staying out here is any safer for them.
“We need to get out of the open,” Aguni repeats, and Niragi just gives him a look because they’re screwed no matter where they go.
“I’ve never been to a circus,” Usagi adjusts the holster on her hip as she looks around, and Niragi grimaces because he doubts that this is going to be any fun. The whimsical music just sets him on edge.
“You do know none of this shit is fun?” Niragi asks the Joker, but he knows it’s not for them…and honestly, now he doesn’t think it’s for the Joker either. He bends down and grabs a flier, finally noticing the thousands scattered on the ground. It’s like the sign, not in any language he knows, but the clown graphic is practically laughing at him.
“We’re losing night,” Ann checks her watch with a frown, “We’ll still need to drive to the safe zone if we want to make it before sunrise.”
“We only have one car…” Kuina bites at her lip, abusing the skin between her teeth as the unspoken will we even all make it hangs unsaid between them.
“We can’t just stand here worrying,” Aguni slaps a firm hand on Niragi’s shoulder and he stumbles slightly. He’s pretty sure he would’ve fallen over without Chishiya clinging onto him. His head still fucking hurts. “Keep formation, but keep an eye on your partners.”
“You don’t mind sticking with me?” Niragi whispers to Chishiya, thinking he’s only being paranoid to feel that he’s not wanted anymore. Chishiya hasn’t actually ever said that.
“Don’t ask something so ridiculous, Suguru,” Chishiya’s fingers trail up to cup the left side of Niragi’s jaw for a brief moment, “Be careful.”
“You too, princess,” Niragi tosses the flier to the floor before he secures the rifle around his back, and tightens his grip on the axe in his hand, hoping it’s big enough to do enough damage.
“Once we find the key, we should be able to leave,” Arisu says, as the group carefully enters the tent.
Niragi has never been to a circus before, which isn’t really that surprising because he’s never really fucking done anything. But while the concept might be intriguing, this is anything but that. He resists the urge to pull Chishiya against him as they stay at the back of the group. It keeps them from whatever’s coming towards them, but there’s no one between Chishiya and a zombie if something charges from behind.
“Just keep your focus on him.”
Niragi grits his teeth as the Joker’s voice settles in his head. He doesn’t understand how it can just expect him not to care about anyone else.
“Chishiya is the priority.”
“Of course he fucking is,” Niragi hopes the Joker can hear his anger and frustration as he practically shouts in his mind. He shakes his head quickly to clear out what it wants to say next. He can’t afford to be distracted right now. The Joker doesn’t speak again, so maybe it agrees.
The carnival music only gets louder as they enter the tent, and much to Niragi’s alarm it’s more of an entrance than an enclosed space. But the smell of blood and decay permeates the air just like it clings to everywhere in this fucking desert.
“Do we split up?” Kuina asks, and while it might help them cover more ground in the fun fair– rides and game booths and food stands– it’s dangerous to separate.
“Not unless we have to,” Aguni says simply, and Niragi has to struggle to hear them both over the music. It might shelter them from a zombie overhearing, but it also might hinder their ability to hear a creature charging towards them.
Niragi takes note of the signs outside of small tents, once again in a language he can’t read, but the pictures are descriptions enough– bearded ladies, humans with tails instead of feet, conjoined twins and tiny men. Niragi isn’t really sure he wants to see an even more fucked up zombie.
He doesn’t want to admit that he’s slightly distracted by the smell of popcorn as he passes a little metal cart, but thinks that eating anything here will probably kill him.
“There’s no one here,” Arisu’s observation is honestly just fucking stupid, because there’s obviously zombie’s here.
“They can’t hear us yet,” Chishiya says, and it’s clear in his tone and body language that he’s just waiting for a swarm.
“This place is huge. The key could be anywhere,” Ann has her crossbow aimed forward with each step. And Niragi can’t even begin to think of where to look. There’s no map this time, and the key could be hidden in so many places.
“We have to think of the places it shouldn’t be,” Chishiya has a determined look on his face, “We shouldn’t go for the obvious—“
There’s four zombies when they turn the corner, dressed like some typical clowns– polka dotted jumpsuits and red noses, melted white face paint on their decaying faces and curly wigs. Niragi always thought that clowns were creepy, but these are straight out of a nightmare.
There’s no time to hesitate as they charge. Ann takes out two with perfect precision, and Kuina slices off the other two’s heads in skilled swings.
“We have to move,” Aguni says urgently, and they begin to move much faster than before.
Niragi barely notices the clown that sprints towards him from a gap between two food stands. He raises his axe and drives it into the mushy skull, pulling it out swiftly with a kick to its middle.
They run into a clearing, and suddenly they’re surrounded.
Niragi doesn’t really fucking care, because he pulls out his handgun from its holster and shoots three easily.
“Cover him!” the Joker’s voice bounces around in his head, and Niragi immediately turns to take down two zombies that come at Chishiya to the left. The blonde is too busy focusing on the ones right in front of him, that he could’ve easily been bitten.
“Thanks,” Niragi just says it out loud this time, as he grabs Chishiya by the shoulder and pulls the man behind him.
It’s just instinct to run as zombies charge from all directions. Niragi should probably conserve his bullets, but he’s more concerned with keeping Chishiya alive.
It takes him a moment to realize that the group has split up– zombies getting between them and forcing everyone in different directions. He’s just relieved Chishiya is still by his side.
Niragi curses, barely getting his axe into a rotting skull as the zombie runs out of a tent to his right. It makes a sickening, squelching sound as the silver cuts through brain. He pulls it through easily, just in time to slice deep into another’s neck, head falling to the floor with a thump. Chishiya grabs him and pulls him around a corner, and he’s pushed into a tent before he realizes what’s happening.
He looks around frantically, but there’s no zombies inside. He huffs in relief, “There could have been something in here.”
“Better than the ten running after us,” Chishiya says, but Niragi wasn’t even counting.
He sighs. It looks like some sort of dressing room, like a place the clowns would get ready when they were human. He runs a hand through his hair, and feels the sand in the air filling his lungs. He hadn’t been wearing his mask in the car. And he wonders if it’s possible to get sick here.
“We need to find the key,” Chishiya shifts on his feet, and Niragi notices a splattering of black blood on his cheek. It’s a desperate hope that the blood isn’t contagious, so Niragi moves closer to wipe it off with a sleeve.
“This place is huge,” Niragi steps away before he does something stupid like kiss the other man. He doesn’t fucking try to deny it. He likes it. “It could literally be anywhere. There’s too many of these tents, and I don’t think we have time to check them all.”
“I don’t think it would be in one of these tents,” Chishiya says, “I’ve said before that the game makers wouldn’t try to make this impossible, just difficult.”
“Yeah, fucking thanks,” Niragi says in his mind, hoping the Joker knows that he’s not actually grateful. They’re still here, and Chishiya is still in danger.
“There’s rides too, but even Usagi can’t climb most of those,” Chishiya is clearly thinking, brain working a mile a minute. “I don’t think it’d be in a food stand…the last two keys have been so obvious.”
“I don’t know,” Niragi shrugs, feeling pretty useless because he really doesn’t know.
He almost falls on his ass when a picture flashes behind his eyelids with each blink. A carousel.
Niragi stumbles back and hits the dresser, because what the fuck was that? Chishiya is by his side immediately, hands gripping his jaw and a wave of concern and fear on the man’s face.
“Suguru, what’s wrong?”
“I–“ Niragi swallows thickly, “I think my head still hurts.” He doesn’t know how to say that he thinks the Joker just gave him a clue. He knows he can’t say anything. He takes a shaky breath, “It doesn’t matter. We need to keep looking.”
Chishiya looks like he wants to argue, but ultimately knows that Niragi is right. They don’t have time to stand around and do nothing.
“Reload everything that needs to be,” Niragi says, because running out of ammo when it could easily be avoided is a death sentence. He wants to say something more, but isn’t even sure what he can. It doesn’t ever feel like it’s enough when he can’t give what Chishiya wants. Instead, he runs a hand down the man’s arm, “Just be careful.”
“You too,” Chishiya leans slightly into the touch, sharp eyes seeming to try and memorize every little detail of Niragi’s face. It’s not like he even has to. Niragi isn’t going anywhere, and neither is he.
“Let’s go,” Niragi says, and Chishiya nods in silent agreement. His hand leaves the man and it’s almost physically painful to stop touching.
But they don’t have time to stand here, so Niragi cautiously pokes his head out of the flap on the tent. The music grates on his nerves and makes it harder to hear if anything is near. The only positive is that it muffles their sounds too.
He steps out, feeling the brush of Chishiya against his back as the man follows closely behind. He made the decision to have his axe in hand, leaving his handgun holstered and rifle on his back. It’s just easier to act quickly, but he still has it as backup.
Niragi knows that he needs to find the carousel, but he doesn’t know where the fuck to go. He peeks around a corner cautiously and finds the area clear– a row of carnival games that would probably be fun in any other circumstance. He moves slowly, so Chishiya knows to follow behind him.
The music is so loud it grates on his nerves and rattles his ears. He tries to listen to any other type of music, knowing carousels play obnoxious fucking tunes, but he can’t hear anything else than the speakers attached to tall poles all over the carnival.
“Can you fucking help me out here?” Niragi asks the Joker in his head. He doesn’t think it was even supposed to help him in the first place, but it did.
He’s only met with silence and he grits his teeth in annoyance, as he adjusts the belt around his hips filled with seven magazines. He’s not sure if it’ll be enough ammo, but he still has his knife holstered on his left thigh, plus the axe and rifle. He reaches behind himself to grab Chishiya’s arm, mindful of the axe in his hand, and pulls the man beside him. He wants to be able to see the blonde.
“The least you can fucking do is watch his back,” Niragi tells the Joker, and he swears he almost hears a scoff in his head.
Niragi thinks, that while he might have grown used to the lights of the safe house, illuminating the rooms in soft glows, this brightness is just freaking him out– flashing lights of all types of colors that just distract him. Other than the sun, moon and stars, he’s just accepted these places being dark. This is almost too stimulating—
Niragi barely has the second to push Chishiya’s crossbow towards the ground, small arrow piercing into the sandy dirt, instead of right between Ann’s eyes as she turns around the corner in front of them. His heart thunders in his chest because, “Fuck,” he curses.
Chishiya freezes, eyes going wide and mouth open as if he wants to apologize, but just can’t get words out. This isn’t the first time he’s almost hit someone, but at least he hadn’t actually aimed at Niragi in the bank.
“It’s fine,” Ann says quickly, knowing that there isn’t any time to stand around freaking over the fact that Chishiya almost fucking killed her.
“Where’s Kuina?” Niragi asks, because he would’ve expected them to be together.
“Zombies split us up,” Ann’s eyes flicker towards the arrow for the briefest of moments, taking in a final time that she could’ve had an arrow in her forehead if it weren’t for Niragi. She takes a breath, “We have to find the others.”
“But where? This place is huge—“ Niragi shuts his eyes tightly with a sharp inhale. It’s like he’s moving, but he’s actually not: taking a right at the cotton candy stand, a left by the balloon cart and straight past a fun house. There’s a hand on his bicep squeezing tightly and he blinks rapidly, Chishiya’s face coming into view. He shakes his head before the man can say anything, “I’m alright…we just need to keep moving.”
“Niragi’s right,” Ann speaks before Chishiya can even fully check in on him, but he’s fine. The Joker’s clues are probably the thing that’s going to keep them alive, but Niragi is pretty certain that the beings keeping an eye on Joker are just fucking around to see if this strange communication will bring further entertainment. His lip curls in anger at the thought of his life being controlled.
“Let’s go,” Niragi says, and pushes Chishiya between him and Ann, “Stay in the middle.” It’s not a request; it’s an order. And the blonde knows better than to argue, at least when they’re trying to stay alive. “Follow me.”
Niragi sees the cotton candy booth from the corner of his eye, so immediately makes his way over, knowing the other two are following. He’s slightly relieved to be able to focus on leading them when he knows Ann has Chishiya’s back, and even more relieved that she didn’t even try to argue with him about it.
There’s no zombies in their path, but that does little to calm him, as he moves in the direction of what the Joker has shown him. It just means that a swarm is likely to come at them at any moment.
“You guys are safe!”
He turns his head to find Usagi and Aguni hurrying towards them, looking on edge, but thankfully unscathed.
“Are you guys alright?” Ann asks them, and he can hear the slight disappointment in her voice, no doubt hoping Kuina was with them.
Aguni nods, “But we haven’t found the key. You guys have any luck?”
“Suguru seems to have some sort of plan. We’re just following him,” Chishiya sounds curious, like he isn’t sure why Niragi is so confidently navigating this place.
“I’m just trying to cover as much ground as we can,” Niragi shrugs, not really knowing what else he can say.
“Niragi is right. We don’t have time to waste.”
“And we still need to find Kuina and Arisu,” Usagi adds, even if Aguni was already implying it.
“Let’s go,” Ann agrees, and takes a step forward, but Niragi moves before anyone can get in front of him. He has to lead them in the right direction, even if they don’t know he has some sort of idea where they need to go.
There’s still no zombies, but it’s not like they have to go very far until there’s a massive carousel in front of them. It’s gold and white with all different colors of horses and carriages as it spins just a bit too quick to notice the details of anything.
Niragi doesn’t waste time jumping up onto the platform, ignoring the shouts at him asking what the hell are you doing. He’s just focused on finding the key.
He runs around in a circle, eyes scanning over every horse and carriage. He’s sort of just waiting for another clue, but the Joker is silent. “Fuck,” Niragi curses, because there’s so much gold everywhere and camouflages any outline of a key. “Give me another fucking clue!”
He’s only met with silence and a lack of vision, as he circles the structure over and over again.
“Suguru, what are you doing?” Chishiya is beside him, stilling him with a hand on his arm.
“I just– I just think the key is here, alright. It’s just a feeling.”
Chishiya’s head tilts as he examines Niragi with further curiosity. It’s as if he’s looking for something, but doesn’t know what. If the slight frustration on his face says anything. Ultimately, he nods, “Alright, let’s look.”
Niragi barely hears the gunshots, barely realizes that everyone else is fighting for their lives, but it’s suddenly difficult not to when something slams up onto the platform of the carousel and shatters two horses.
It’s a monstrous abomination, limbs engorged and packed with muscle, thick, pulsing veins running along its body. The zombie has five heads protruding from its body, but four seem to lack any intelligence– not that these creatures have much to begin with. It swings an arm, shattering off the edge of a pink and gold trimmed carriage.
Niragi stumbles back, pushing Chishiya behind him. It opens its mouth and releases a piercing scream, warped and torn as black sludge drips down its chin. He now knows that this is what slammed into the car.
It moves forward with thumping steps, arms swinging and crushing marble. Niragi shoots, bullet straight through the head on its shoulders, but it does nothing to deter it. He tries again– another head– but nothing.
“Look for the key!” he’s not going to make Chishiya fight this thing, and only hopes that the others will keep the zombies at bay while Chishiya searches. Niragi hates not being able to keep his eyes on the other man.
“He’s fine for now,” the Joker’s voice fills his mind, and Niragi doesn’t know what that says about him that he trusts it.
He shoots again, hitting another one of the heads– a gush of black that makes him feel sick.
It still does nothing to deter it.
Niragi falls back against a spiral pole when the creature’s hand slams down between his feet. He ducks and dodges when the pole breaks at a harsh swing of a puffy, decaying fist. He shoots at one of its kneecaps and it hunches down slightly with a pained roar.
“I got it!” Chishiya yells loudly over all the noise and Niragi turns to see the blonde with a key in his hand. “Watch out!”
Niragi puts his attention forward again and narrowly avoids an arm that swings again, crouching as it goes over his head. Chishiya grabs his hand and pulls him, both jumping off the carousel and onto the ground, where Niragi barely avoids falling to his knees as a rush of dizziness crashes over him– the feeling of being on a moving to stationary surface fucking up his equilibrium.
“We need to get out of here!”
Niragi doesn’t really think he needs to tell Chishiya that they can’t, because every exit is blocked by zombies. He pushes Chishiya behind him again, guarded in the middle by everyone, and hears the man make a noise of annoyance, but he doesn’t really give a shit.
“Is that what I think it is?” Arisu is beside him quickly, and Niragi is just trying to pay attention to everything all at once, but it’s chaotic– too many people, too many zombies, too much light and noise.
“Yea, but we gotta get the fuck out of here first!” Niragi shoots three times, taking down three zombies with skilled aim.
“What is that?” Kuina is with them now too, and Niragi sees the giant, mutilated creature jump from the carousel and onto the ground with a thump.
“Nothing good!” Aguni grabs the shogun from behind his back and takes aim– hitting it in another one of the heads, but it doesn’t deter it. And to Niragi’s horror another one just grows out from its shoulder.
“How the hell do we kill that?” Arisu covers Niragi while he reloads, and he never would have imagined a day where they would work together.
Niragi just shoots in response. There’s clowns, but regular looking zombies too, almost as if they were just here to enjoy the circus. And Niragi once again wonders if any of them were players before them.
He stumbles when someone hits him from behind, but only doesn’t swing his axe when he hears a very feminine “Sorry!” that he doesn’t have time to identify over all the noise.
“We have the key!” Chishiya says, and Niragi is putting his trust that the Joker will keep him updated on whether or not the other man needs his help.
“Well we’re kind of stuck!” Ann shouts, and judging from all the gunshots, he doesn’t think anyone is worried about being quiet. They’ve already captured all the zombies’ attention.
Niragi’s wrist is grabbed and he’s yanked to the right by Arisu just in time to feel thumping feet as the monster zombie barrels through the other undead and barely crushes him.
There’s too many heads on it to count and Niragi wonders how many fucking times everyone has tried to shoot it. He still notices the slight limp as it moves, lifting his gun to hit it in the knee four times until the joint pops and its leg gives out.
Niragi reloads as quickly as he can.
“We have to clear a path!” Aguni is suddenly beside him, leaning in close to his ear and speaking harshly, “Get them out of here, kid.”
“We’re not fucking leaving you,” Niragi spits out angrily, because what the hell is the man even thinking.
“Listen to him,” the Joker says, “Chishiya is the priority.”
“Fuck that,” Niragi would glare up at the sky if he wasn’t so busy unloading five shots into different zombies. He bumps his hip harshly against Aguni’s, “We stick together.”
“There’s consequences—“
“Shut. Up,” Niragi bites back in his head, cutting the Joker off heatedly.
“You have another one of those grenades?” Kuina asks, yelling over all the noise, but Niragi doesn’t think any of them had been stupid enough to grab anything so loud. They had thought it’d be signing a death sentence, but maybe it could’ve saved them.
“I’m out of ammo!” Usagi says, and fuck, he’s almost out too. And Chishiya had been right before; he can’t shoot close range with his rifle.
He thinks he should focus on her, but she has Arisu. And the minute Chishiya runs out of ammo is the second Niragi protects him directly. If he doesn’t run out of ammo first.
“So we’re sticking together. Any bright ideas?” Aguni changes the magazine on his gun quickly, and it’s sort of a miracle they haven’t been completely swarmed, so many corpses on the ground.
“Let me think!” Niragi really hasn’t thought that far; he just won’t leave anyone. He begs the Joker to help him out.
He’s only met with silence. He doesn’t want to think he’s made a mistake.
“That runs on gas, right?” Ann yells, and Niragi whips his head around to see in the same direction as her eyes. There’s a shawarma stand across from them, but he doesn’t know if it’s gas powered. Either way it’s their closest hope to getting out of here.
“Cover me!” Niragi swings around his rifle and grabs it in both hands. It’s a struggle to see clearly with the zombies in the way, but everyone is trying to clear him a path as he shoots.
There’s no clear objective other than aiming for the cart, and he’s not sure where to shoot, just guessing somewhere towards the bottom where the gas tanks should be.
“Where the fuck do I shoot?” Niragi yells, the bullet holes in the cart haven’t done anything. “Fu—“
“Fan out!”
He’s not sure who goes where, but someone pulls him away as the mutated creature throws itself at them, walking with one leg and both arms. It roars and black bile splatters on the ground when Niragi fires all his bullets into it.
“Shit!” Arisu screams, dark goo steaming as it coats his arm. He grabs at it, but that only seems to hurt his other hand and he screams again.
“He’s hurt!” Usagi cries out, and like they can obviously fucking see that, but he doesn’t know what the fuck she wants them to do about it right now.
“Get in!”
It’s sort of almost enough to make Niragi want to fucking laugh when Ann drives in front of them with a stupid fucking canary yellow clown car. It’s topless, but it’s ridiculous to think they can all fit with only four seats.
“We can’t—“
“Get the hell in!” Ann honks the horn one more time, all clambering on top of each other in the little car while Niragi and Aguni try to cover everyone.
He lurches against Aguni when she reverses quickly, and pathetically drifts the car around a corner, pressing down on the pedal as hard as she can. Chishiya is inspecting Arisu’s arm without trying to actually touch any of it, and Niragi smells burnt flesh beneath the toxic bile.
He looks behind him and there’s zombies running after them, but this tiny death trap goes surprisingly fast as they outrun the hoard.
“Do you even know where you’re going?” Kuina asks, trying to speak over the music, the engine, and Arisu’s pained groans.
“Away!” Ann shouts simply, and honestly it’s not a bad plan.
She turns left and suddenly they’re out of the circus, or at least back on the open road and not surrounded by tents.
“We don’t have time to find the car. This will have to do,” Aguni still has his gun ready as Ann keeps speeding down the street and back into the darkness. It’s much to Niragi’s relief that the moon is back out, but that doesn’t mean they’ll make it to the next safe house.
He glances over at Arisu, who’s practically passed out from the pain. It’s to his fucking horror that he sees something white beneath the black, shining beneath the moonlight, and wonders if it’s bone or he’s just imagining it.
“Arisu,” Usagi says softly, eyes glassy and cheeks shining with tears, “You need to help him, Chishiya. It-it’s eating through his arm.”
“Let’s just hope he’s not infected—“ Chishiya grunts in discomfort when Kuina punches his shoulder harshly. He sighs, “There’s nothing I can do until we get to the safe house. He’ll be alright, Usagi.”
But they don’t know that, and they all know that.
“I told you. Consequences,” the Joker doesn’t necessarily sound pleased, but it’s obviously pleased that Chishiya is alright.
Niragi runs a hand down his face and sighs, not wanting to feel like this is all his fault, but if it wasn’t Aguni, then it had to be Arisu? Niragi doesn’t like feeling like everything is in his hands. He doesn’t like feeling like he has to let someone die or be hurt or else someone else will be fucked over instead.
“It’ll be alright,” he repeats, just to say something– maybe just to ease his own conscience.
“You kept him alive. That’s all that matters.”
“Does it?” Niragi asks the voice in his head, because he’s not so sure it should feel like it does, even if it does.
This sucks. This just fucking sucks.
And Niragi doesn’t know what’s next.
Chapter Text
Chapter 30
“Might have to take his arm off,” Aguni grumbles beside Niragi slumped down in the sand, stepping out of the safe house and into the sunrise, light peeking over the dunes and heating up the grains in an aureate glow. “Don’t beat yourself up.”
Niragi wonders if it’s that obvious he feels guilty for what happened, even if it’s not his fault– to everyone else. He knows the truth.
Niragi draws a nonsensical pattern in the sand with his right hand, feeling the cold when he digs in deeper. The safe house is the same as the last, but other than a few containers of water, there’s no food. They’ll have to get some– definitely can’t leave for the next level in the state Arisu is in. He hopes Chishiya isn’t spiraling at not being able to do enough.
“You should get some sleep,” Aguni says, but it just has Niragi scoffing because that’s a bit hypocritical when the other man hasn’t attempted to either. “Chishiya will be with Arisu. No use waiting for him just to get some rest.”
“I don’t think any of us will be able to relax until we know he’s not infected.”
“He got through the barrier,” Aguni’s voice is laced with pain beneath the relief– memories of Heiya flashing through both their heads. But it’s best not to think of it– not that they can stop. Aguni puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes, “Go rest, Niragi.”
“You’re like a fucking parent,” Niragi doesn’t really have experience with caring and considerate parents, but he assumes this is what it must be like. He knows he won’t be able to sleep, but if he disappears into a bedroom, then he won’t be disturbed.
He gets up slowly, but doesn’t make any further attempt to go back inside. He can’t look at Aguni when he speaks, “How did you, um, how did you know you loved Hatter?”
Aguni hums in thought, “It was never a question of how. It was when. But it took me a while to realize it had happened.”
“You guys knew each other for a long time.”
“Doesn’t mean it took a long time to get there.”
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel,” Niragi sighs, because he knows what he wants to feel, it’s just that something still tells him he can’t.
“He’s not going to wait around forever. But I don’t think you have it in you to ever leave him alone either.”
Niragi sighs again because Aguni isn’t wrong. He’s incapable of being away from Chishiya– thinks he’d die if they had to be apart, knows how fucked up and unhealthy that is. Because even if Chishiya told him to go away, he’d still find a way to be near. He’d still find a way to protect the man.
“If the world is so dangerous to you, then you should be with him, right?” Aguni asks, because it sounds so simple; it should be simple. “Maybe you just need to fucking say it.”
Niragi runs his tongue along his teeth in nerves, still can’t really control it even if it’s been less of a pain in the ass. He wonders what it says that he’s so comfortable with everyone not to feel like a wound up ball of tension. At least when they’re not fighting for their lives.
“He wants me to mean it.”
“And what makes you think you don’t?”
Niragi isn’t quite sure what to say to that, but he knows he wouldn’t be able to lie to Chishiya about this. It’s just that saying it even in the confines of his mind is enough to have him feeling like he’s going to combust.
“Shit, man,” Niragi runs a hand through his hair, and really just spreads sand through the strands. He needs a fucking shower anyways. “I’ll think about it.”
“Nothing to think about, Niragi. You know how you feel.”
Niragi huffs in amusement, thinking that it’d just be easier if everyone was calling the shots in his head and heart. “Thanks,” he passes by Aguni with a gentle squeeze on the man’s bicep, and doesn't think he has to say much more. It’s clear he’s grateful for the advice.
The house is silent, but he doesn’t think that means it’s calm. He can no longer hear Arisu’s cries of pain as Chishiya tries anything to just stop the man’s flesh and bone from disintegrating– probably passed out from the agony.
He goes into one of the empty rooms, but he’s too exhausted to shower and get the death off of him, ignoring the thought of dirtying the sheets.
Niragi crawls beneath the covers and curls up into a little ball. The weight of everyone’s lives literally being in his own hands is a pressure he can’t push off his chest.
“At least no one died,” the Joker says simply, but that really just pisses him off.
“Is he infected?”
Niragi is only met with silence and his fingers curl into tight fists. It’s not an answer– or lack of– that he wants to hear.
“The important thing is that Chishiya is alive.”
Niragi can’t argue with the Joker about that, because at the end of the day, that’s what really matters. “Why the fuck do you care so much about him?”
“These games are…complex…and Chishiya is an incredibly entertaining player. They enjoy watching him.”
“Pretty fucked up that he’s just amusement.”
“You know better than most that life isn’t fair. The least you can do is fight back now.”
“It’s not like I’m not going to.”
It’s silent for a few moments, but he feels like the Joker wants to say something. “There’s a grocery store close by.”
Niragi doesn’t think that’s what it wants to say. He doesn’t push it though. He doesn’t want to fuck up having it as an ally.
His skin feels too tight and his bones too heavy. Being here this time is overwhelming in a completely different way. Niragi doesn't know how he can keep everyone all together.
He doesn’t really sleep– feels like he can’t, but he zones out enough to drown out everything rattling around inside of him. It’s why the feeling of the bed dipping startles him enough to have Niragi jolting up in a sitting position and swinging his arm out.
“It’s just me,” Chishiya catches his wrist, while the other cradles his jaw, shushing him and calming the rapid beating of his heart.
Niragi lets out a heavy breath, “I could’ve hurt you. You know better than to sneak up on me…nice reflexes.”
Chishiya’s lips tilt into the tiniest grin, but it’s quickly gone as he sighs, eyes framed by exhausted features. “I have to go back to keep an eye on Arisu, but I just wanted to make sure you’re alright– check on your stitches.”
“Don’t worry about me. You should sleep.”
“I removed the substance from his skin, but there’s no telling if it’s going to keep spreading.”
Niragi leans forward slightly when Chishiya tilts on the bed, foreheads pressing together. He closes his eyes at the fingers that spread across his cheeks. Niragi feels the way the man’s fingers tremble, so he puts his hands over each of Chishiya’s. “You’re doing everything you can, Shuntaro.”
“There’s not enough medical supplies for an amputation…but it might just fall off on its own,” Chishiya huffs in frustration, “We don’t even have antibiotics. It’s clear that the game makers don’t care what happens to him.”
Niragi isn’t really sure what to say, because it’s not like Chishiya is wrong. But he thinks the other man is already suspicious of him, likely suspects that Niragi knows something the others don’t. He wonders why Chishiya hasn’t brought it up.
“You’re doing your best,” is what Niragi decides on, leaning into the hands on his face. He closes his eyes and nuzzles into the touch, willing to take anything Chishiya will give him even though he’s being a colossal fucking asshole. He wouldn’t say he’s stringing the blonde along…it’s more just a standstill. Niragi just needs to take the fucking plunge, fucking why can’t he?
“You look stressed,” Chishiya says, pulling away to look at him, and that just makes Niragi huff out a laugh, because of course he is. They all are.
“Just a lot of shit going down,” Niragi mumbles, focusing on Chishiya’s touch and the way it drowns everything out. It’s easy to not think about how everyone’s lives rest on his shoulders when he smells crisp apples and feels soft, un-calloused fingers. For being so harsh, Chishiya is just so soft. Thinks maybe the man always has been even deep inside.
“We need to get out of this level,” Chishiya sighs heavily, “Maybe they’re just waiting to see if Arisu can make it through the night. If we just get out of here then maybe he will.”
“He’s gonna make it, princess–“
“He’s not infected like Heiya, but I’m not convinced he’s fine. There’s no telling if that stuff is still eating at his flesh and bone.”
“Well is it?” Niragi asks the Joker in his mind, but is only met with a silence that spreads through him like a winter chill. His eyes blink slowly, immediately taking in Chishiya’s furrowed brow and downturned lips. This time he speaks out loud. “Then what do we do?”
“We need to leave.”
“Now?” Niragi asks a bit incredulously, “Why not wait until dark?”
“That didn’t really work for us last time,” Chishiya says dryly, raising an eyebrow at Niragi like he should know better, which…okay, true.
“All we have is that fucking ridiculous car,” Niragi hasn’t even looked at how far the end of the level is. “There’s no way Arisu can walk.”
“Then we’ll find a car—“
“hey,” Niragi grabs Chishiya’s face in his hands, thumbs soothing over high cheekbones, watching feline eyes flutter, “relax, baby.”
“We can’t just sit here and let them enjoy our suffering. If we get to the end, then maybe no one else has to die.”
“What we need is rest. You need rest,” Niragi’s fingers slide across his jaw, "Nothing good will come from us rushing into the unknown.”
“Arisu—“
“You can’t do anything else right now. And if he needs you, then I’m sure Usagi will let you know. Do me a favor and try to get some sleep.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“Then at least lay down. I can go—“
“No,” Chishiya’s fingers curl around his wrist, other hand weaving back into his hair, “don’t go.”
Niragi isn’t sure what it is that Chishiya wants right now, when it’s been made clear that they’re not where they used to be. But he supposes that they both need emotional support. “I won’t go anywhere,” Niragi lets Chishiya lean against him, pulling them back softly to rest against the mattress and rumpled sheets. He won’t ever go anywhere.
And it never fails to surprise him just how easily that the other man is able to fall asleep. But it’s not very surprising with how exhausted Chishiya is, doing far more than Niragi has been doing just sitting on his ass outside.
Niragi runs soothing fingers down Chishiya’s back and through the man’s hair, carefully untangling the knotted blonde strands. He still can’t quite tell if it’s longer or if he’s just going crazy, but doesn’t want to think too deeply about the passage of time here.
He doesn’t speak to the Joker– doesn’t want to right now. He’d rather focus on the sound of Chishiya’s delicate breaths and feel the rise and fall of the man’s chest– heart beating– alive.
Niragi is exhausted. He’s afraid. He doesn’t know what the fuck to do. Arisu was hurt because of him, but he also saved Aguni’s life, so he doesn’t know how to feel.
Niragi takes a deep breath, long and steady, and tries to soothe the turmoil inside of him. He’s worried that each time he chooses someone’s life over another's, then the consequences could be fatal. He wonders if that’s why Heiya died. If she could’ve avoided being bitten, but Niragi changed the narrative the game makers tried to set into motion. He wants it to just be a coincidence.
But he knows it’s not.
Niragi takes another breath. He wonders how Chishiya still smells so good, and he breathes in the apple aroma from the shampoo he now knows the Joker put in the last safe house. He’s willing to bet it’s in the bathroom of this place as well.
Niragi, in comparison, feels pretty fucking disgusting. He had no direct contact with any of the zombies at the circus, but still feels like the scent of death clings to him. It’s likely his imagination, but it’s difficult to not feel like it’s seeped into his clothes and hair and skin. But now he wonders if the zombies are the killers or if it’s actually him.
He can’t really find it in himself to cry when Chishiya is safe in his arms, but he even cares enough about Arisu now. There’s a heavy weight on his chest at the thought of the man’s injuries, and he kind of wants to tear out all his hair and scream. But instead he just grounds himself beneath Chishiya’s weight resting on top of him, and watches the sun move across the ceiling through the window, slowly filling the room with light. It gets bright enough that he has to close his eyes. But he still doesn’t sleep.
Or maybe he does. Because when he opens his eyes again it’s dark and he’s alone in the bed. He hadn’t even dreamed.
“I thought you needed the rest.”
“Thanks,” Niragi mutters to the Joker, not really grateful unless it can actually stop nightmares. “Where’s Chishiya?”
“With Arisu.”
“And he’s…”
“Alive.”
Niragi huffs in annoyance and barely resists rolling his eyes. It feels fucking shitty to be working with the Joker knowing it doesn’t care about the others except Chishiya. He guesses he’s not any better though when Chishiya holds priority over any of them for him too.
He ultimately makes the decision to actually take a shower, and when he takes his shirt off it clings to his skin, and it takes him a moment to realize his stitches have bled. It’s not life threatening, but he will need Chishiya to check him out. He just doesn’t want the man to worry, and it probably doesn’t help that he gets them wet when he showers.
Niragi stays beneath the spray of hot water for a long time, wondering how the hell it doesn’t get cold or how the fuck there’s water here. “I don’t understand this fucking place,” he tells the Joker, and swears he hears amusement in its voice when it speaks.
“The ability to craft a game has very few limits.”
“How many have you created?”
“Enough.”
Niragi picks up on the bitterness in its tone, and wonders if it hates doing this– wonders why the hell it does if that’s the case. He doesn’t ask because he doesn’t think he’ll get an answer anyways.
He smells something appetizing when he makes his way out into the house, hair wet and dressed in comfortable cotton pajamas. There’s a pot of soup on the stove filled with vegetables and a plate of shitty canned bread that still makes Niragi’s mouth water. Someone must have made this recently for it to be steaming, and he wonders which idiot went out into the city– guesses it’s Aguni.
He grabs a bowl– less than he wants to save it for the others– and a slice of bread, sitting at the small breakfast nook next to a large window. The moon is out, but Niragi doesn’t trust the safety of it.
“You’re awake.”
Niragi looks up from where he’s been shoveling spoonfuls of food into his mouth– an incredible variety of vegetables and a chicken broth that brings a little life back into him.
Ann stands there in the same pajamas, but she doesn’t look rested. Niragi isn’t sure what to say. He’s shit at comforting people. So he nods and responds in a simple, “yeah.”
She moves to sit next to him, resting her feet on the seat and hugging her knees to her chest. “Arisu is getting worse.”
Niragi roughly swallows some soup and feels it slide down his throat uncomfortably. “How bad?”
“His hand is rotting, can see the bone. He’s so delirious that I just hope he can’t feel the pain…Usagi is distraught,” Ann sighs heavily, “If we lose him we lose her.”
“They’re tough,” Niragi means it, “He’ll pull through it and she’ll fight beside him.”
“Chishiya thinks that if we make it to the next level then everything will restart and Arisu will heal.”
Niragi listens for reassurance from the Joker, but receives none. He suddenly loses his appetite. “How the hell do we get there then? He can’t fucking walk.”
“There’s four ATVs outside the back of the house, all filled with fuel.”
“Yeah, that sounds too fucking easy, Ann. It’s a trap.”
“Of course it is, but what other choice do we have? We can’t stay here forever, and it would take hours to make it on foot. It’ll be dangerous either way, so might as well cut the time in half.”
He’s beginning to think that everyone has already discussed this. He runs a hand through his damp hair and inhales sharply through his nose, “So when do we leave?”
“Finish your food and get dressed,” is all she says, getting up and disappearing down the hall to likely do the same.
So Niragi does, and doesn’t waste time. Only hoping that Chishiya’s theory is correct.
There’s fresh clothes in the closet, and even new boots. It’s nice to put on clothes free of blood, sweat and sand. He puts on the scarf and covers his nose and mouth, but doesn’t bother with the glasses since it’s dark out, and makes his way outside to try and be useful.
“You’re already loaded up,” Niragi says, finding Aguni filling the storage beneath the seat of an orange ATV with a stuffed backpack. He assumes it’s food.
“Already wasted time waiting for you to wake up,” Aguni grumbles, but it’s not meant to be mean. Niragi just knows that he’s worried– that he wants the chance to save Arisu.
They all do.
“Need any help?”
Aguni shakes his head, closing the seat of the ATV with a click, “Food and weapons are all packed up. Nothing to do except wait for the others. You rested up?”
Niragi might have slept, but he still feels exhausted. He shrugs, “As much as I can be in this place.”
Aguni grunts in response, and Niragi takes it that the man agrees with him.
“It’s fucking dark,” Niragi squints as the light from the patio provides the primary ability to see. “You sure it’s a good idea when our visibility is so fucked?”
“If it’s to help Arisu, I’d travel in anything.”
Niragi can’t argue with that, but that doesn’t mean he likes venturing out into the dark. It’s basically going into a situation blind– figuratively and literally. The lights on their ATVs might be the only thing that gives them any direction along with the gps.
“Should add laser scopes to anything we can,” Niragi suggests, even if he knows using a gun is risky. But he also thinks it might be the thing that keeps them alive. “We’re going into something dangerous.”
“Everything is in this place,” Aguni points out, and it just has Niragi huffing out a laugh even if it’s not really funny.
“Everything packed up?”
Niragi turns and finds Kuina and Ann…in between them a pale Arisu. His eyes trail down to the man’s bandaged arm, barely standing and looking close to fainting. Niragi’s teeth clench in order to keep a straight face. Arisu looks one step away from death, and he only hopes Chishiya is right.
The Joker’s continued silence on the issue continues to piss him off just as much as it has him wanting to freak out. But he can’t afford to lose his mind. Chishiya needs him to keep it together.
“We should get going,” Usagi fidgets as she moves towards one of the ATVs. Niragi knows that out of everyone, she’s the most affected by this.
“I’ll take Arisu,” is all Aguni says.
And then they’re leaving.
Leaving the safety of the safe house that Niragi honestly doesn’t really think is safe when they’re trapped in this fucking world, because this definitely isn’t Earth and he has almost an insane thought that maybe they’re on some alien plant, but that’s just fucking crazy. Right? Niragi frowns when the Joker doesn’t say anything, and just tries to focus on the feeling of Chishiya’s arms around his waist as the man sits behind him.
The ATVs are loud, and there’s no way that something wouldn’t be able to hear them even from a distance. The moon is out, but that doesn’t reassure Niragi at all either. And he thinks the only thing keeping him sane is Chishiya’s head resting between his shoulder blades.
Ann is leading the group as he drives behind her, Kuina with Usagi to his left, while Aguni holds Arisu on the ATV to the right. It’s a relief to not have to make their journey through the city, but that doesn’t mean they’re safe out here. Niragi squints even through the bright light off the full moon, eyes flickering between his watch and LEDs as he maneuvers through the dunes.
He doesn’t know quite how long it’s been, just that the full gas tank is low— something massive moves in the distance, and Niragi is glad that everyone is in sync as they come to complete stops.
“What is it?” Chishiya peers over his shoulder, as the group watches what looks like a swirl of sand fills the sky.
“Sandstorm?” Kuina asks, and that’s definitely what it looks like, but Niragi doesn’t think it’s that easy.
“Listen,” Ann says firmly, cutting her engine. Niragi trusts her enough to do the same.
It takes him a moment, noticing that the wind has picked up around them. He’s been so focused on seeing in the dark that he hasn’t paid attention to much else around him.
If Niragi is honest, he’s not quite sure what the hell he’s hearing. It a rumbling groan, but it doesn’t sound like the zombies they’ve grown used to. It’s like hundreds of screams in varying pitch that lap beneath and on top of each other to mimic a dry storm. It drowns out everything around them and begins to make it hard to think. Sand swirls up into the sky and when in the illumination of the moon, Niragi swears he sees faces.
“You can’t go around it. You have to go as fast as you can.”
“So now you’re talking?” Niragi responds to the Joker with a harsh snap in his mind.
“Just listen.”
Niragi’s lip curls in annoyance, but he knows that following the Joker’s orders is the smartest thing to do to keep Chishiya alive. “We need to hurry and get to the end!” is what he shouts to everyone, hoping no one opposes.
“We don’t know what that is!” Ann yells back, turning slightly to face everyone.
“What choice do we have?” Niragi stresses, because it’s really just the truth. “We go and we don’t stop!”
“Niragi is right!” Aguni agrees, “We need to get the hell out of here!” He has Arisu slumped back against his chest, holding the man’s waist with one hand and the other on the steering. Niragi wonders how he’s even driving.
“Then let’s go!” Usagi snaps, and it surprises Niragi just how aggressive her voice is. But he guesses it makes sense in their current situation.
“Hold on, princess!” Niragi says over the rumbling screams, and he feels Chishiya’s arms tighten around his waist.
He turns on the engine and turns the accelerator, driving past Ann and barely sparing her a glance. He wants to save everyone, but knows he can’t. And maybe if he doesn’t intervene then nothing will happen to anyone.
Niragi immediately realizes that he might be fucked, when sand clouds his vision and makes his eyes burn. But he can’t worry about it when the goal is to get to the end of the level.
He swerves when something barely slams into them from the front, a demonic face crafted from sand with glowing red eyes and claws that try to grab at him. It’s even more of a surprise when there’s a hand over his shoulder, a bang in his ear and bullet piercing through the sand, grainy body crumbling. He can’t be bothered about the way his ear rings, more proud at Chishiya’s reflexes and aim.
To his horror, there’s too many creatures to keep track off as they swirl around him screaming. Chishiya shoots a few, but almost immediately runs out of ammo, grabbing for Niragi’s gun in his holster.
“Drive!” Chishiya shouts, and Niragi hadn’t even realized that he’d slowed down. He curls his hand on the handle and picks up speed once again.
The ATV catches air when Niragi goes over a dune, Chishiya’s arms tightening around him to keep from falling off. Niragi follows the gps even if he can hardly see. It’s just screaming and red eyes and sand, moon barely visible.
They hit the ATV even if Niragi tries to maneuver, but Chishiya manages to keep a few away with the remaining bullets.
“Just make it through,” the Joker says, as Niragi swerves around and goes up a dune.
The end of the level looks closer and closer as Niragi drives, feels fingers scratch at him as Chishiya slices a nice through their sandy wrists, crumbling. Things tug at his hair and pull at his clothes, but he keeps his hand on the accelerator and doesn’t stop.
The screams pierce into his skull and he thinks it could drive it mad if it weren’t for the heat of Chishiya’s body behind his own.
He’s not sure where the others are, but he just knows that he has to get Chishiya to safety— suddenly the ATV tilts and they’re falling onto the sand.
Niragi can barely see, but he reaches out blindly, hand finding soft skin. Chishiya’s fingers intertwine with his own. “We have to get out of here!” he shouts.
They move with stumbling steps on the uneven sand. They fight, punch, kick, shoot, slice, anything to keep the creatures from pulling them down into the sand. Niragi is convinced that it’s an attempt to bury them.
He thrusts his foot up when his ankle is gripped, and while there’s too many of them to count, they’re easy to kill. He glances at his watch, almost there.
He’s pushed forward harshly, so he reaches for Chishiya to keep from being separated. And then suddenly there’s blinding light.
Niragi is honestly fucking surprised that none of the creatures can make it into the elevator when the door slams down with a clunk. He’s on the floor, sliding across the metal. He holds the man tightly in his arms, breath knocked out of him from the way he turned to land on his back and protect Chishiya from the hard floor.
“Fuck,” Niragi groans, head thumping back against the ground. He lets out a harsh breath, Chishiya’s own heavy against the crook of his neck. “You alright?”
“Yeah,” Chishiya’s lips brush his skin, but he’s still coming down from the adrenaline of the fight that he barely even notices.
“I’m fine too. Thanks for asking,” Kuina huffs in annoyance, and when Niragi turns his head he finds her crouched on the ground– chest puffing in and out with each breath. She sits back on her heels, “Are we all alive?”
“It seems like it. No one bitten?” Aguni has Arisu slung over his shoulder like a limp towel, and Niragi wonders if the man’s arm is any worse under the bandages.
“Bite free,” Ann says, immediately checking in on Kuina with concern. But it’s not like they know what a bite from the sand monsters would’ve done, or if they were even zombies.
“I don’t think we would have made it in here if we were. I’ll take him, Aguni,” Usagi must have some hidden strength for her to be able to support Arisu’s weight against her side, but Niragi thinks she’s always been strong in more ways than one.
He sits up just as Chishiya gets off of him, and he turns his shoulders to the left and right to stretch out the ache from having hit the ground so hard. He’s pretty sure he’s going to have bruises, but it’s not the worst he’s ever been hurt in places like this.
“Do your stitches feel okay?” Chishiya asks, concern on his pretty face as his fingers brush over Niragi’s chest.
“Fine, princess,” Niragi says, even if his stitches had loosened at the circus. He just doesn’t think it’s the time to have everyone fuss over him when they’re getting ready to go to the next level. There’s already Arisu to worry about.
“I think it’s pretty clear where we’re going, guys,” Kuina is holding a giant white parka against her chest, furry hood covering half her face.
“I wouldn’t say we know exactly where we’re going.”
“But it’ll be cold,” Kuina gives Chishiya a look, because obviously they’re going to be in the snow. Niragi thinks they’re both right. It’s likely below freezing, but there’s no knowing what challenges they’ll face.
“We should get changed. The sooner we’re out of this place the better,” Aguni says—
Everyone stills as the elevator clunks, and then the feeling of going up lurches in Niragi’s stomach.
Congratulations players on completing Level Two. You are now reaching Level Three.
Niragi’s eyes lock with Chishiya’s. The threat of the unknown creating a chill throughout his body at the thought of more danger.
Players will begin at the starting point. Your goal is to reach the end point. There is no time limit.
There are three checkpoints. Each checkpoint is a safe zone. You must find the keys to unlock each checkpoint.
It’s still the same as the last two levels, but Niragi isn’t really surprised. He’s honestly relieved that nothing has been changed up on them, because he already knows it’s going to be harder than it already has been.
Players will be given a map on their watches with the location of each key, checkpoint and the location of the end point.
There is gear proved to assist you in this level. There is no limit to what each player can carry. Choose wisely.
Niragi wonders if it’ll be safe to use guns again. But it’s not like the sound doesn’t attract whatever is coming at them anyways. It’s just that it makes it so much fucking easier.
A helpful tip: knowledge will be the difference between life and death
Good luck players. And remember
Survive.”
“Knowledge of what?” Niragi says angrily, because like what the fuck. It’s honestly bullshit. He practically spits out a fuck you at the Joker in his mind.
“It could mean anything,” Chishiya’s brows furrow in thought, no doubt thinking a million things at once in excruciating detail– endless possibilities and outcomes. Niragi wonders what it must be like to have a mind like that. He knows he’s smart, but not like Chishiya.
“We could stand here worrying about it or get our asses into gear,” Aguni says, walking over to the table of gear with determined steps. But Niragi is willing to bet he’s just as afraid as everyone else.
Niragi gets up, helping Chishiya with a hand. His eyes sting from the sand, and he only hopes the next place has a shower, as he pulls down his cloth mask and takes a breath. The air is clean, and he realizes he’s forgotten what it’s like to fully breathe.
“Come on, princess,” Niragi’s voice is soft, thumb running over the man’s knuckles gently. He hears a pained groan, looking over to see Usagi helping Arisu change. Niragi swallows thickly, chest tightening as he watches Arisu struggle.
“He’ll be fine,” Chishiya says quietly, but it’s clear that the man is uncertain. And Niragi knows how much he hates being wrong.
Niragi tries not to listen to Arisu’s wounded noises while he changes out of his desert clothes and into the winter gear. There’s so many layers that it sort of makes him feel claustrophobic–some type of wool pants and long sleeve, fleece pants and shirt on top of that. He has to put on three socks on each foot and what seem like waterproof gloves on each hand.
He shrugs on a thick white parka, fur trimmed hood that fluffs up around his face irritatingly. He tugs on white ski pants before he shoves his feet into clunky white boot. It’s clearly meant to camouflage them, but from what, Niragi doesn’t want to think about it.
“What’re you thinking for weapons?” Niragi walks up to Ann inspecting the weapons table. She’s already dressed and looks just as fluffy and ridiculous as he’s sure he does.
“Something silent along with a gun.”
Niragi nods at her, picking up a sniper rifle, too comfortable with one to not use it. He slings it across his back by the strap before attaching two thigh holsters to each leg, a long hunting knife to is left and a handgun to his right. He grabs ammo and sticks it in both coat pockets.
“It can’t be zombies again, can it?” Kuina asks, picking up one of the four swords on the table.
“They’d get bored watching us fight the same thing over and over again,” Chishiya says, eyes scanning over the table with consideration.
“Shuntaro,” Niragi warns, voice soft so only the other man can hear. The others don’t need to hear insane theories…even if Chishiya isn’t necessarily wrong.
Everyone grabs their weapons and the rest of their gear– which is hardly anything other than an empty backpack and an insulated thermos. Niragi hopes that they won’t have to scrounge for anything this time, but it doesn’t seem promising.
Niragi spares a glance at Arisu just to find the man on shaky legs between Usagi and Aguni. He only hopes that going to this level to stop any infection.
He steadies his feet when the elevator clicks, coming to a complete stop. Chishiya’s hand finds his own as the doors open and he squints at the brightness, shivering at the immediate bite of cold against his exposed skin.
He blinks a few times to adjust his vision, eyes going wide in surprise at the figure in the distance. He takes a steps forward, boots clunking on a wood.
“What the fuck is that?” Niragi stares at the goddamn boat docked at the end of the pier in what seems incredibly vast and endless ocean. Of course he fucking knows what it is, but are they actually supposed to drive it?
It’s not massive like a cruise ship, but not small like a sailboat. It’s not old like a pirate ship or overly new and pristine looking. It looks well worn and he wonders if the ugly, chipped red thing has been used by others before.
“I’m not too keen on being in water,” Kuina says, and Niragi wonders if she’s thinking about the snake. And he has to agree with her. There’s no telling what’s in there.
“What choice do we have,” Ann’s breath comes out just as cold as his, a puff of smoke in the frigid air. Niragi is starting to wonder if he’d rather have heatstroke than freeze to death.
“We just need to get Arisu somewhere warm,” Usagi begins walking towards the ship, her hand in Arisu’s and gently pulling the man, and in extension Aguni down the pier.
“Back into the unknown,” Chishiya’s voice is calm, and it’s refreshing to hear even if Niragi still knows the man is freaking out inside.
Niragi sighs, pulling the fuzzy hood of his snow jacket further around his head. Here they fucking go again.
Chapter 31
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 31
It’s a relief, while also fearful anticipation, that they don’t actually have to navigate the boat.
There’s a screen in the bridge that shows a map and the direction towards their destination. Niragi isn’t sure how he feels about the fact that the safe zone is in the middle of the water, and wonders just how long they’ll actually be on the boat. The navigation seems like they’ll be sailing for quite a while.
“I guess it makes it easier,” Kuina says, looking out of the large window of the bridge and scanning the choppy water. “We don’t have to worry about driving this thing.”
“I wouldn’t really call it easy. We don’t know what the hell is out here,” Niragi wonders what the Joker’s planning, and he’s not looking forward to any of it.
“The important thing is that there’s already food here.”
“And places to sleep,” Kuina adds after Ann.
“Don’t get too comfortable,” Aguni looks troubled, but it’s not like Niragi and the others aren’t too. Especially with Arisu’s condition.
He wonders if Chishiya is able to do anything with the medical kit they found with the other supplies. It’s nowhere near what they need to help Arisu, but there has to be something. There just has to. Niragi doesn’t know if he can handle being the cause of another death.
“You should eat and rest. I’ll keep watch for anything–“
“You shouldn’t be alone,” Ann cuts Aguni off with a look of disapproval. Niragi agrees; it’s dumb as fuck to be alone.
“We need our energy,” Aguni argues. And it’s not like he’s wrong, but—
“I’ll stay up here with him,” Niragi says, because he really can’t rest with how fucked up he feels inside. He thinks it’s worse being here this time. He was just spiraling towards death before, only caring about himself. But now he has to keep it together and worry about too many fucking people.
And he’s still not good enough. They don’t know what he knows—
“Arisu’s condition is inconsequential to you.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Niragi grits out mentally, hands balling into fists at the Joker’s audacity to act like Arisu isn’t important. They may not be friends, but Niragi cares about him. “You finally speak and it’s to say that? Fuck y—”
“Are you alright?” Kuina’s voice is soft, but she still knows better than to touch him now. It’s always pretty obvious Niragi likes to be the one to initiate contact unless it’s Chishiya reaching out for him. Kuina seems to forget that sometimes.
Niragi fights the urge to say no. He just sighs heavily, and releases the tension in his body that everyone can see. He doesn’t think they’re worried he’ll snap anymore. They’re just worried about him. “Just stressed about what’s next.”
“We all are,” Ann says simply, but she’s not disregarding Niragi’s feelings. She’s just agreeing. She’s scared too. Everyone is.
“You guys go rest. Aguni and I got it.”
“You sure?” Kuina asks hesitantly, afraid that something will happen and they won’t be ready.
But Niragi will try his hardest to keep everyone safe.
“We’re fine,” Aguni gruffs out, looking out at the water with suspicion, “Can’t beat this if we’re all exhausted.”
It’s not something anyone can argue about. Not when staying alert is pretty much the key to staying alive. But it still has Kuina crossing her arms in frustration, no doubt wanting to stay up in the bridge with them. Though she still lets Ann grab her hand and be gently pulled down to the bottom floor of the ship where there’s a reasonable living quarter– bunk beds and a pantry full of non-perishable foods.
“You look like shit,” Aguni turns towards him once they’re alone, and Niragi doesn’t even bother to pretend he doesn’t.
He sits in the captain's chair and stares at the wheel moving on its own. It doesn’t relax him to know he has no control of where they’re going. He slumps down and looks at Aguni with tired eyes. He thinks the other man looks like shit too. “You don’t look any better,” he says, but it’s not hostile– more empathetic.
“Hard not to,” Aguni stares him down and honestly it makes Niragi uncomfortable. “You shouldn’t blame yourself, Niragi.”
Niragi isn’t sure exactly what Aguni is referring to, but it still feels nice even if he doesn’t deserve it. Niragi’s just sort of accepted not being forgiven for things– not that he thinks he should be in the first place. But he kind of is in everyone’s own way. He doesn’t really think he can tell them otherwise. Especially not Chishiya.
“It’s just how it is here,” Niragi decides to say, because he knows everyone else feels the weight of their own actions.
Aguni nods in agreement, and understanding, “Best we can do is keep them alive.”
Niragi raises an eyebrow at him, “Sounds like you’re saying it’s up to us.”
“Don’t act like we don’t carry the group. Kuina’s got some skill, but she doesn’t lead.”
“I’m far from being a leader.”
“People gravitate towards you, whether you like it or not. I’m not saying they like you, but people feel your power. If you weren’t such a dumbass you could’ve taken over the Beach.”
Niragi can’t help the bark of a laugh that escapes his lips, a whoosh of air that snaps in the air. It’s an amused sound, mixed with slight disbelief. He shakes his head, “I don’t know, man.”
“I’m just saying that if something happens to me, then you better keep everyone in line.”
“Nothing is going to happen to you, fucking idiot,” Niragi’s voice is harsh, simmering with anger that Aguni even thinks of not surviving. “Maybe people think I’m tough or some shit, but I can’t lead. I’m still just a fuck up with a big gun.”
“You ever get sick of being such a self-deprecating moron?” Aguni asks, eyes sweeping over Niragi as if considering something. “Nevermind. You’re not even funny about it. You just fucking hate yourself.”
Niragi smirks; he can’t help it. “I don’t know. It kind of is the funniest shit ever.”
“I don’t need your sob story,” Aguni says, but instead of a dismissive insult, it feels more like the man is just seeing him. “Life’s a cruel joke. Can’t fight it. It’ll do to us what it wants, but you got yourself a good kid. Might as well be what he sees in you.”
“He thinks I’m perfect,” Niragi sighs heavily, “Well perfectly imperfect– his words– whatever the hell that means.”
“You don’t understand how lucky you are that someone can put up with you. Takeru really couldn’t do shit to make me leave him,” Aguni crosses an ankle over the other as he rests against the window. Niragi doesn’t want to point out that the man shot the guy. Aguni’s foot just taps on the ground, “Chishiya must be burning up with how much he loves you.”
“I’m well aware—“
“Are you?” Aguni fits him off, raising an eyebrow.
Niragi groans in annoyance, running a hand through his hair, but only finding the fluff of the parka’s hood halfway down. “I’d literally give anything to have everyone get the fuck out of our business. There’s nothing else any of you can say. I got it; I’m an idiot.”
Aguni doesn’t say anything, so it’s clear that he agrees with Niragi. He just turns back around to observe the ocean instead.
“Suguru.”
Niragi turns his head, going tense when he finds Chishiya standing in the doorway. How much did he hear? is Niragi’s first thought.
“Hey, princess,” Niragi says softly, observing the man’s teary eyes and tight press of lips. It looks like Chishiya might lose it.
“We’ll keep watch,” Chishiya is clearly trying to keep his voice steady as he gets Aguni’s attention.
Aguni turns around once again, but Niragi wonders why he looked away in the first place when he saw Chishiya standing there. Maybe it’s just as hard for him to look at the blonde like this as it is for Niragi. “Sure you can keep an eye out?”
Chishiya’s eyes narrow in anger, “I’m not going to let anything happen to any of you.”
“I know, kid,” Aguni just glances over at Niragi and it’s as clear a keep an eye out as he can silently say without pissing Chishiya off further.
Niragi can’t even feel embarrassed when he has a lap full of Chishiya before Aguni can even leave the bridge, because the man’s body wracks with sobs and it has Niragi’s brain only focused on comforting the blonde. He wraps his arms around Chishiya’s frail frame and once again isn’t sure if they’re aging, physically falling apart from the stress of the game.
“Baby,” Niragi whispers into apple scented hair, pressing a kiss to Chishiya’s temple, “It’s alright.” For wanting distance, neither of them are very good at it. Not that Niragi wants it.
“It’s just- it’s just bone,” Chishiya gets out through a shuddering breath, “I can’t do- do anything.”
“He’s alive,” Niragi says firmly, hoping to help Chishiya realize that Arisu is only alive because of him. Niragi on the other hand…Niragi might’ve sent Arisu a death sentence.
“He’s my– friend–“ Chishiya’s breath catches in another broken sob, so Niragi just squeezes him tighter.
“I know, princess,” Niragi murmurs in his hair, and can’t help noticing how cold Chishiya’s skin feels even through his under clothes, and thinks he really should be wearing his parka just in case something happens. “I’m sorry…” Niragi doesn’t really know what to say. Chishiya has done his best.
He definitely doesn’t expect lips on his, tongue pushing into his mouth and hands threading in his hair tightly. Niragi makes a noise of surprising, tasting salt on his tongue from the tears dripping down Chishiya’s face, but the scrape of teeth on teeth as the blonde’s head tilts has Niragi groaning into the kiss.
His fingers grip Chishiya’s waist tightly, too aware of the man’s body against his, but definitely aware that there’s too many clothes between them. And that’s a thought Niragi never would’ve believed himself capable of thinking.
“Stop,” he gasps, turning his face away and breaking their kiss. Chishiya makes a whine of protest, bordering on another sob and Niragi’s gut twists uncomfortably. He has to grab Chishiya’s chin tightly when the man tries to kiss him again. “You don’t want this, Shuntaro.”
“I know what I want,” Chishiya argues, but the watering of his eyes says differently.
“I don’t think you’d be kissing me in any other situation,” Niragi says carefully, not wanting to set him off.
Chishiya looks like he wants to argue, jaw clenched like he wants to snap, but it’s a few tense seconds of silence, before he deflates with a sigh. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry. It’s not like I’m complaining.”
Chishiya’s crying, but a little smile quirks up his lips. He plays with the strands of hair framing Niragi’s face, “I love you.”
Niragi takes a sharp inhale, heart thumping hard in his chest. Chishiya is just emotional right now. He knows he needs to create distance in respect. “I know.”
It’s a surprise when Chishiya’s eyes only soften, even if Niragi would be pissed if their roles were reversed. The man cups his face with delicate fingers, “You look tired.”
“So do you,” Niragi says, having a bit of deja vu to his conversation with Aguni.
“You should go sleep—“
“I’m not leaving you,” Niragi cuts him off with simple words, but they mean so much in so many different ways.
Chishiya’s smile brightens just a little bit more, and Niragi never fails to be confused by those turbulent emotions. Niragi stays stuck in his feelings and struggles to get out, while Chishiya jumps all over the place far too quickly than anyone can keep up with.
Niragi really doesn’t want to, but… “You should probably get off me. Can’t really be look out with, um, with you touching me.”
“Do I distract you, Suguru?” Chishiya asks, eyes blinking innocently, but a teasing to his voice that shows he knows exactly what he does to Niragi.
It’s still strange the way they can be so lighthearted with each other, Niragi thinks, enjoying the teasing. He nods slowly, “You know that you do.”
Niragi’s breath catches when Chishiya’s fingers dig beneath his parka to press against his chest. Clothes, Niragi think dumbly, fuck this shirt. Chishiya’s breath brushes against his face—
and then it’s gone.
Chishiya is off Niragi’s lap and across the bridge, looking far too interested in the water while Niragi is just sitting there feeling a bit stupid. But he tends to not really focus on anything else when the man touches him, so he shouldn’t be surprised.
He’s pretty sure that Chishiya did it on purpose, because how is Niragi just supposed to not want him? Niragi obviously always wants him, but this is a different type of want. It’s the kind of want that has Niragi thinking it’d be easy to drown in it.
It’s strange, weird, uncomfortable– the way Niragi feels arousal with Chishiya. He’s not unaffected by others– sex is sex and it feels good. But that doesn’t mean it still made him feel sick– that he wanted it.
He wants Chishiya. That much is clear. It’s just a matter of how far Niragi would be able to go. If he’d even be capable of sleeping with a man without having a panic attack and fucking himself up. He can’t risk being a liability.
And it’s not like Chishiya would even let him right now anyways. If Niragi can’t get over his bullshit, then Chishiya isn’t going to put up with it either. But that doesn’t mean he can’t replay this kiss in his head, heat spreading through him—
“There’s something in the water.”
It’s Chishiya’s urgent tone that has Niragi standing up quickly and rushing beside the blonde. He looks out at the ocean, but all he sees are dark, choppy waves. “Are you sure?
“I don’t know,” Chishiya admits, sounding frustrated. There’s no way for them to investigate, but how will they know what they’re dealing with if they can’t see anything? “But we’d be stupid to think something isn’t out there.”
“Yeah, but we could also drive ourselves crazy out here looking for the key.”
“It’s not like we can’t look. We won’t get into the safe zone otherwise.”
Niragi huffs in annoyance because Chishiya is right. It’s also worrying that it’s beginning to get darker, but the lights on and around the ship have turned on automatically about an hour ago– three circling around the top, front and back of the ship, illuminating segments of water.
“I’ll watch the other side—“
Niragi’s words stop abruptly, hearing the strangest sound in the distance. It sounds like someone is singing, but for some reason it grates on his nerves and pisses him off. It’s not pleasant, and it only sounds a bit louder the further the ship goes— he almost falls over when it stops in the water, coming to a rough halt.
“Shit,” Niragi curses, hands grabbing at the railing by the window. “Are you okay?” Niragi looks over at Chishiya to make sure he’s okay, but he’s just standing there glossy eyed. Niragi’s brows furrow in concern. “Shuntaro.”
Chishiya is silent, mouth slightly open like he wants to say something, but it’s completely unexpected when he turns and walks quickly through the door. Niragi follows after him just as hurriedly.
“Shuntaro!” Niragi calls after him as Chishiya frantically makes his way out of the bridge and peers over the side of the railing into the water. He leans way too far over the edge and Niragi yanks him by the shirt.
Niragi can barely hear the ocean over the strange voices, crying out in some strange song in a language he’s never heard before. It sort of drives him mad with the way it pierces his ears harshly. He’s unsure what the hell Chishiya is hearing, pretty lips curled up into a smile.
It’s then that he sees it, something moving in the water. A scaley looking thing with two fins at the end of its tail that splashes up out of the water. He can’t see anything other than a glowing green shape beneath the water, and much to his alarm the ocean suddenly seems to be swarming with them.
“Shun— fuck,” Niragi feels slightly bad for the way he grabs Kuina’s hair and yanks her back. He’s got one hand in her locs while the other one grips Chishiya’s shirt. The two have dazed looks on their faces, eyes swirling with want and it makes Niragi wonder what the hell they’re seeing that he isn’t.
“Fucking shit,” Niragi tugs them back harshly and back through the door by the stairs. They’re struggling to get free from his hold, but Niragi just acts on instinct and practically throws them onto the floor. Kuina and Chishiya’s backs hit the floor as they let out a startled breath. But it doesn’t seem to break the spell they’re under. If anything it makes them more desperate to get back out by the water. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Niragi hisses, keeping a hand on each of their sternums to keep them on the ground.
It’s then that he notices Ann from the corner of his eye. Swaying gently as she stares at the ocean, half over the rail and dangerously close to falling overboard.
“Fuck!” Niragi lets go to grab Ann, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her back.
But that just means Chishiya and Kuina are up, and…Niragi isn’t necessarily proud of what he does next, but he has very little options when he can’t hold onto all of them at once.
He punches them in the face.
It’s an accurate hit up the side of their chin and knocking each of them backwards and tumbling to the floor. He doesn’t mean for Kuina to go sprawling down the stairs, but he doesn’t know what else to do. He’d rather have knocked them unconscious than have them fall into the water.
It’s then that he realizes the others are unaccounted for. He’s not really worried about Arisu when the man is too fucked up to move, but that still means that Usagi and Aguni are somewhere on the boat. Honestly, they could already be in the water.
“Shit. Shit. Shit,” Niragi curses, quickly shoving Ann and Chishiya into a room with buoys. It’s for good measure that he shoves one ring onto each of them just in case they wake up. Chishiya has a bruise blossoming on one cheek, and Niragi just tries not to feel bad.
He hopes Kuina didn’t break a leg or something.
He fights the urge to cover his ears when he goes back out. The water is glowing green, things seeming to slither beneath the waves and Niragi doesn’t know what the hell is going on.
“Aguni!” Niragi’s eyes go wide, running as fast as he can across the desk, slipping on the wet floor, as the man bends over the railing, “What the fuck, man!”
He grabs Aguni’s arm and yanks– hard enough that he’s sure the man’s shoulder might’ve dislocated. And then Niragi grunts when he has too many pounds of muscle falling on top of him.
He wraps his arms around Aguni and tries to keep the man down against the ground. Aguni is trying to break free, and Niragi has no doubt it’s to go right back to jumping in the ocean.
So now he knows where Aguni is, but that still doesn’t have Usagi accounted for.
He’s sort of going mad with the screeching voices that sound as if they’re attempting to sing something. Niragi is pretty sure he sounds the same when he tries to too.
Niragi rolls Aguni beneath him and tries to keep the man down. It’s not even like Aguni is actually fighting against Niragi, more that the man just can’t think of anything other than getting to the ocean. He’s strong, and keeping him down is more difficult than it is with any of the others.
“Snap out of it, Aguni!”
It’s not like Niragi can even be heard over the noise, and honestly Aguni’s eyes might be on his, but the man isn’t even looking at him.
Niragi really isn’t equipped to deal with shit like this alone because his first thought is violence. He’s scared and alone, and all he can do is slam Aguni’s head onto the ground a few times until the man lays limp on the wood. He only hopes he hasn’t caused a concussion—
“Usagi!” Niragi’s eyes go wide when he remembers she’s still out here somewhere. “Fucking why me?” He slips and slides across the ground, trying to keep his footing with the way the ship rocks in the waves. “Shut the fuck up!” He sort of wants to bang his head on the ground too from the noise.
Niragi hits the side of the railing when he turns the corner onto the back of the ship, scrambling towards the petite figure standing on the top of the railing. “Usagi! Fuck!”
She lifts her left foot and—
Niragi catches her wrist, losing his breath as his stomach digs into the metal edge. She’s hanging off the back of the ship and Niragi keeps a bruising grip on her.
It’s only then that he notices exactly what they’re dealing with.
Bulbous, pupiless crimson eyes and rows of yellowed, fanged teeth, webbed fingers with sharp curled claws and stringy ebony hair. The creatures are covered in reflective green scales with humanoid bodies curved up into long fish-like tails.
Mermaids.
But definitely not the pretty ones like in the movies.
Niragi grunts when he’s pulled forward, but he keeps his hold tight on Usagi, while his other hand curls around the rail. It should be easy to pull her up, but it’s not with the way the mermaids scratch against her feet and try to bring her down into the water.
Niragi pulls up. The mermaids pull down.
“Let go!”
“Fuck off!” Niragi spits out loud at the Joker, but it’s not like anyone can hear him talking to the air like some asylum patient.
“You need to focus on Chishiya!”
“I’m not letting go of her!”
“Chishiya—“
“No!” Niragi can’t let go of her. It’s a completely different type of death when he’s actively participating in it. It’s not trying to save someone and risking someone else getting hurt. It’s killing.
He struggles as he fights the weight dragging her down, and it doesn’t help the way Usagi reaches out for the water and tries to fall.
“You’re risking his life!”
“Shut up!”
“Drop her!”
“Fuck you!”
Niragi feel the wind leave his lungs when Usagi is caught by one of their aquatic hands, and his stomach digs harder against the rail.
“If it’s not her; it’s him!” the Joker says urgently, and Niragi blinks away the burning in his eyes as he shakes his head.
“You don’t know that!”
“But you want to risk it?!”
Of course he fucking doesn’t, but he can’t just let go. He can’t. He can’t.
“Niragi!”
“No!” Niragi’s feet dig under the rail to keep him from tumbling overboard. The mermaids have their fingers pierced into Usagi’s calves and it’s taking everything in him to keep his hand wrapped around her wrist.
“He’s waking up, Niragi! And that buoy isn’t going to do anything against those creatures!”
“Yeah that you put here, asshole!” Niragi’s heart hammers against his chest, panic curling around his brain.
“Niragi—“
“Fuck off!”
“He’s going to die!”
“Usagi—“
“LET. HER. GO!”
“I won’t!” Niragi grits his teeth in an effort to pull her up, but there’s mermaids up to her waist, climbing and slithering over each other to try and pull her down, teeth sunk into the fluffed material of her clothes– trying to eat her.
“I won’t let him die AGAIN!” the Joker’s brain rattles around in his skull, drowning out the screeching sounds of the mermaids. “DROP HER!”
“I– I—“
“He’s out of the closet, Niragi!”
“And Ann?”
“Who fucking cares? GO GET HIM!”
He looks down at Usagi helplessly. He can’t. He fucking can’t—
“NIRAGI!”
He lets go.
He falls backwards onto the ground, screaming in frustration, a wail ripped from his chest like someone has reached through his chest, broken past his ribs and squeezed his heart into mush.
“Get him, you idiot!”
Niragi only nods dumbly, feeling empty inside as he runs frantically, listening to the Joker’s simple go left and barrels into Chishiya before the man can do anything fucking stupid.
It takes him a moment to realize that it’s completely silent.
His fingers curl around something hot, and when he looks over Chishiya’s shoulder from where he has the man wrapped up in his arms, there’s a sparkling, golden key in his hand.
Someone had to die.
And Niragi was stubborn enough to almost have let it be Chishiya.
That doesn’t stop him from immediately leaning over the edge of the boat and emptying the contents of his hardly filled stomach. It’s really just bile that burns up his throat, but even when there’s nothing to throw up, he keeps gagging.
“Su-Suguru?”
There’s a hand on his shoulder and Niragi chokes out a cry. He fucking killed her.
“Suguru, what happened?” Chishiya’s voice is weak and confused, and Niragi just shakes his head frantically. He can’t tell the truth.
So instead he lies. “I– I don’t know. I blacked– blacked out.”
“You have the key,” Chishiya points out, but not necessarily sounding like he thinks Niragi is lying. But there’s still suspicion lying under his voice. “You blacked out? You didn’t hear anything?”
“I mean, yeah,” Niragi gags, tears dripping into the water as he tries to keep from getting sicker. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to answer because he doesn’t know what Chishiya heard, “Same as you—“
“Are you guys okay!” Kuina and Ann find them, each woman with a bruising jaw. He wonders if they know that he did that, and when he glances over, Chishiya’s face is purpling too.
“You got the key,” Ann says, a look of relief on her face.
“We don’t know how,” Chishiya grasps Niragi’s hand comfortingly, and it takes all his strength to not curl against the blonde and fall apart.
“Well the ship is moving,” Ann looks up at the sky, “And it’s getting dark.
“What the hell were those things?”
“Sirens,” Aguni has found his way over towards them, but Niragi just closes his eyes, unable to meet anyone’s eyes and have them know what he’s done.
Chishiya hums in thought, “I suppose knowledge of the mythological might have been what we were warned about.”
“So how did we get past them—“ Kuina makes a noise of surprise when Niragi starts vomiting again.
“He’s just seasick,” Chishiya is clearly protecting Niragi. The others might not know something is suspicious, but he does. “It finally caught up to him. We should make sure the others are alright. I’ll help Suguru ease his stomach.”
Chishiya pulls him away into the ship before the others can realize there’s two more of them to account for– still waking up from their dreamlike state.
“It’s alright, Suguru,” Chishiya says softly, once they’ve reached the bridge and he’s placed gently in the captain’s chair. “You did all you could.”
“I wasn’t– I was just as fucked up as you guys,” Niragi defends himself, but his voice is a pained whisper that doesn’t sound confident at all. Usagi falling into the water flashes before his eyes and he gags, barely managing not to throw up on himself.
“Okay,” Chishiya’s voice is careful, and instead the man just grabs his hands and squeezes gently. “We’re both alive. That’s all that matters.”
It certainly doesn’t feel like it, and he’s just relieved that the Joker is smart enough not to say anything. Niragi might actually lose his fucking mind if it tries to justify anything to him.
Chishiya’s arms encircle his waist from where the man is kneeled between his legs. Niragi presses his face into Chishiya’s hair and lets out a heavy breath. He cries– thick, shuddering breaths, wet with tears and body trembling so furiously he might just rattle around all his organs and shatter his bones.
“You’re okay,” Chishiya’s face is buried in the crook of his neck, and it’s really only the blonde keeping him from going absolutely insane from the grief.
He killed her. And he’s pretty sure Chishiya knows it.
But he can’t let anyone else even suspect it when they ultimately realize that Usagi is no longer on the ship.
“Shhh,” Chishiya hushes him, arms firmly around him and running soothingly down his back. “You’ve done so well.”
“He’d be dead if you didn’t listen to me.”
Niragi ignores the Joker. He can’t even have it’s voice in his head right now because he might just shoot himself through the eyes and splatter his brains on the wall. But they both know he won’t because then Chishiya will be alone.
Niragi already knew he’d do anything for Chishiya. But now he really knows he’d do anything. And shit—
“I love you,” Niragi murmurs, barely audible, but the way Chishiya tenses against him is clear he’s been heard. It’s sort of glaring evidence that he does, because how else would he even have been capable of doing something so fucking unforgivable if he didn’t.
“I love you too,” Chishiya whispers back, and this time, Niragi really does think he falls apart.
He might be crying so hard that he hyperventilates. Because one moment he’s gasping against Chishiya’s hair, and the next spots dance in his vision, body coiled tight, before he completely goes limp, and everything goes black.
Notes:
💔
Chapter Text
Chapter 32
“We decided not to tell him. He’s too out of it anyways,” Ann’s standing behind him from where he’s leaning against the railing of the ship. It’s fucking freezing, frost on his clothes, but Niragi is so fucking numb inside that he can’t even feel the arctic chill biting at his face. “Chishiya sent me out here to get you.”
“I’m fucking fine,” Niragi mumbles over the sound of rough waves hitting the sides of the ship. They’re technically in the safe zone, but the ship is still moving. They’re estimating that they’ll be at sea for two more days until they reach land, and the safety of the gate no longer protects them.
“It’s hard on all of us, Niragi, but you need to take care of yourself,” Ann’s voice is hoarse; so is his; so is everyone else’s. Everyone’s been crying over the loss of Usagi, like a gaping wound.
And Arisu still has no fucking idea.
Niragi’s fingers curl on the railing. He thinks of the way he held her in the kitchen, like she was afraid he’d let her go. The trust she put in him. He bites his lip harshly to fight back some pathetic whimper. Niragi doesn’t deserve to be upset. Not when he killed her and potentially…
“If she was pregnant there likely would’ve been complications if she even managed to go back.”
He’s not sure if the Joker is trying to comfort him or not, when it doesn’t really care what happens to anyone other than Chishiya. But he doesn’t even have the energy to get angry at it.
“Niragi,” Ann’s voice draws him back and out of his mind. He still can’t look at her– afraid she’ll see the guilt on his face.
He thinks everyone had known to leave him alone and grieve in his own way. He spent a good few hours in the bridge with Chishiya, but eventually managed to push the man back down to the bottom floor of the ship to check up on Arisu. Niragi took the opportunity to hide away out in a dark corner on the deck.
But it seems they think he’s wallowed enough.
“What did you see?”
Niragi tenses, unsure how to answer, “Doesn’t matter.”
“It showed us what we wanted most. Even with us all together, we’re still missing something,” Ann sighs behind him, “But it was an illusion. And I just know I can’t lose Hikari…I still can’t help but be caught up in what wasn’t real though.”
It’s something Niragi has been thinking about, in between waves of anguish, that he hadn’t actually been influenced to see or hear anything. The sirens didn’t work on him because he’s always had what he’s always wanted. He has Chishiya. He has the man’s love. And really what else could Niragi ever need?
And all Chishiya had wanted was to be loved back. If Niragi had just been fucking honest with himself from the beginning, then the siren’s call wouldn’t have worked on the blonde either. Because if all he really ever needed was to be loved by Chishiya– actions already raising a big fucking middle finger to the world and everyone else in it– then Niragi must really fucking love the man too.
He’d kill again too, just to keep Chishiya safe. But that doesn’t mean he thinks Usagi deserved it. And he didn’t even have to see it to be able to vividly imagine the sight of her being ripped apart and eaten.
“If only we could’ve held on a little longer.”
“We don’t know if that would’ve done anything,” Niragi says, “One of us had to die.”
“We don’t know that either. Chishiya said we could’ve waited out their song—“
“She’s fucking dead,” Niragi spits out, breath curling around in the frigid air. He doesn’t care about some stupid Greek myth that Chishiya mentioned, because if they really could’ve waited out the song, then no one did have to die. It’s the fucking worst alternative. Because Niragi would’ve failed for entirely no reason other than selfishness.
“It’s not your fault just like it isn’t mine.“
Niragi’s jaw clicks, teeth grinding together as he resists the urge to tell her that yes, it is. He just settles for staring at the icebergs in the distance and wondering if they’ll crash. He knows they won’t, but he’s bitter right now.
“You should come inside, Niragi.”
“Just give me a minute,” Niragi says, feeling the way his eyes water, fighting the tears that threaten to spill down his cheeks. “I’ll come in soon.”
“Alright…but if you don’t I’ll send up Chishiya.”
It’s not that Niragi doesn’t want to see him, it’s just that Chishiya knows the truth. But he still didn’t seem to blame Niragi for anything. His love is overwhelming.
All that matters is that we’re together, Chishiya had said, even with the delicate tears dripping from his eyes as they both mourned Usagi’s death. All that matters is you love me. It’s all I’ve wanted.
Niragi isn’t sure if Ann is still there, but he doesn’t care to look, still afraid any of them will see the guilt in his eyes and know that he caused this.
He hangs his head, hair falling across his face as he shudders out a breath. She had been so kind– far kinder than Niragi had ever deserved. Usagi opened her heart to him even after his hatred wrapped around her in suffocating violence. And he repaid her by being the cause of her death. He took her life, and he might’ve taken another life too.
“It’s not something to be hung up on,” the Joker says, and Niragi’s lips curl into a snarl.
“How can you say that?” he asks, a slight fire in the pit of his emptiness.
“Would you rather have let Chishiya die?”
“Of course I wouldn’t,” Niragi sighs, “But that doesn’t mean I want anyone else to die.”
“I’ve told you that they want his blood. The only thing keeping them from targeting him is having the others.”
Niragi still doesn’t understand why they want Chishiya so badly. Had they wanted him so desperately in the last world, or do they see something in him now that they hadn’t before?
Niragi is unsure if he wants to know the truth or not. Not that he thinks the Joker will tell him much anyway.
He shifts on his feet. He needs to ask just one pressing question, “You said again. What aren’t you telling me?”
“It doesn’t concern you,” the Joker says, and his dismissiveness only worries Niragi.
“We all died, our hearts stopped,” Niragi only feels confusion, a slight anxiety in the back of his brain when he remembers the Joker’s urgent desperation.
The Joker is silent, and Niragi sighs heavily. He doesn’t try pushing for answers he won’t get. He’s really not sure he wants to know the cryptic answer anyways.
He begins to be slightly worried that he might be in the early stages of hypothermia, because he no longer feels the cold as a warmth spreads through his body. He sighs again. He should go inside. He can’t be weak if he wants to protect everyone.
But Niragi still can’t face them, so he goes up to the bridge. He collapses into one of the chairs, slumping forward with his head in his hands. He wonders what he’s done to deserve this, but he also knows exactly what he’s done. He’s drowning in the repercussions of his sins.
He must’ve fallen asleep, which is honestly a fucking miracle, because when he opens his eyes he’s met with gloomy sunlight. He squints uncomfortably, just as affected by brightness as he always has been. It was tolerable in the cover of jungle in level one, painful yet manageable with their glasses in the desert, but this light illuminated by white glaciers and ice makes his head throb.
“You should eat something.”
It takes him a moment to focus, still waking up, and finds Chishiya sitting beside him.
“I brought you coffee and oatmeal, but it’s likely cold by now.”
He looks at the control center and finds two cups placed in front of him. There’s no steam coming from either, so it very likely is cold. It doesn’t really matter; he won’t enjoy it with the queasiness in his stomach. But he still knows that he needs to eat. It’s for Chishiya– to be a strong and capable protector.
He reaches for the coffee, cup cold in his hand, but takes a sip anyways. It tastes like ash and he wonders if he’s just fucked up and can’t enjoy anything– wonders if he ever will be able to again.
There's a hand on his thigh, squeezing gently in comfort, and Chishiya’s touch warms him up from the inside– a flickering flame melting the ice in his heart.
“I would’ve done the same thing. I think a lot of us would have,” Chishiya says. And it’s honestly true, but it doesn’t make Niragi feel any better.
“Yeah, but I was the one who actually did it,” Niragi sighs, downing the cup of coffee and just hoping the caffeine can bring a little life into him. His head hurts from crying and being out in the cold, but he can’t afford to not be alert, even if they are in the safe zone.
“It’s going to be okay, Suguru,” Chishiya’s voice is soft, touch even softer as it trails up his body, fingers spreading across his chest and finally cradling his jaw.
“Is-is it?” Niragi’s voice breaks slightly, and he fights the urge to cry. He isn’t even sure if he has any tears left.
“We knew something like this could happen, but we’re still together.”
“You’re being heartless.”
“I’m being realistic, Suguru,” Chishiya says firmly, “I didn’t want her to die, but it’s better her than you.”
Niragi thinks that Chishiya and the Joker would be best fucking friends. But Niragi knows that he’s just coping in his own way. It’s easier to focus on the two of them instead of letting the weight of the other’s lives drag him down. Chishiya could easily spiral if he’s not careful.
“I know,” Niragi says quietly, because it feels disgusting to admit. He leans into Chishiya’s touch and closes his eyes again. It’s easier to push everything from his mind when he focuses on the man’s touch.
“I don’t know if Arisu is going to make it.”
“Why would you say that?” Niragi’s chest aches at the thought of losing someone else. “Don’t say that.”
“The infection is still spreading…at this rate…”
Niragi’s eyes squeeze together tightly, hoping that the darkness will shut everything up. He can practically feel his fingers unfurling around Usagi’s delicate wrist as she was dragged down into the water. He honestly wants to throw up again.
“It’ll be alright, Suguru,” Chishiya repeats himself, thumb brushing across Niragi’s cheek. “It will.” He almost seems to be trying to convince himself of it as well. “You should really rest—“
“I just did.”
“You slept in a chair,” Chishiya’s voice is disapproving, tinged with concern.
“I can’t go down there…not with Arisu there,” Niragi shakes his head. He can’t bear to face the man– not that Arisu is even lucid. But somehow that makes it worse– that there’s no knowledge that Usagi is no longer with them. “What are we going to do, Shuntaro?”
“Survive,” he says simply, fingers continuing to brush along the side of Niragi’s face gently. “And do our best to protect the others too.”
“Nothing I’m doing is good enough,” Niragi whispers. He knows the others don’t hate him anymore like they used to, but what’s stopping them from developing resentments on his inability to keep them safe now?
“You’re doing more for us then anyone,” Chishiya actually sounds like he’s in a bit of disbelief that Niragi would think otherwise, “Why can’t you see that?”
“How can I see it any other way?” Niragi can’t tell Chishiya that his actions are directly impacting them, unlike the ones they make. He’s being watched. Whoever created this place and controls the Joker controls him.
Chishiya watches Niragi with a critical eye, trying to read between the lines, but looking like he can’t come up with the answer. He just holds Niragi’s face with both hands and brushes each index finger over a gently curved brow. “As long as you stay with me I’ll be alright.”
“Where else would I go?” Niragi couldn't be anywhere else. He’d have to be dragged away, and even then he’d go kicking and screaming.
Chishiya smiles softly, “Tell me you love me.”
“I love you,” Niragi says automatically– no hesitation, because if anything is sure, it’s this.
“Again,” Chishiya asks, and while his voice is delicate he still sounds so desperate.
“I love you, Shuntaro,” Niragi melts into the man's touch, closing his eyes and letting the scent of apples fill his senses when he inhales, an undertone of saltwater in the air that he fights to ignore. “fuck I love you.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing that.”
“Then I’ll say it every day. every hour. every minute, every second,” Niragi reaches out for Chishiya and rests both hands on the man’s waist. It’s a strange feeling– to love, and to acknowledge that love. Niragi thinks that after admitting it out loud, it’s so completely natural to him. He sort of feels stupid with how long it took to say it. “Will you tell me?” he asks in the same quiet desperation.
“I love you too,” Chishiya’s forehead presses against his and Niragi’s breath shudders. He can’t let Usagi’s death be in vain– not when the loss of her life was to protect Chishiya’s. If anything were to happen to the man…Niragi can’t even think it– doesn’t want to put it up in the air. It’s not even a possibility.
“It took you a while, but at least you’re less stupid than most of the others,” the Joker says in his head, a strange respect in its voice that only confuses Niragi.
“Everyone else is just as capable as me. And whoever else you trapped in these games,” Niragi says back with annoyance. He may be its ally– reluctantly– but it’s still a fucking piece of shit.
The Joker gives him no response.
“Suguru?”
“Hmmm?” Niragi hums in question, hands splayed across Chishiya’s small waist. Chishiya is so delicate, so pretty, but the planes of the man’s body are so purely masculine that it makes Niragi question everything. Shit. He might just be fucking gay– for Chishiya at least. Niragi can’t imagine being with anyone else without feeling sick.
It’s ridiculous how all it took was three words to change everything, a floodgate of realization that scares him less than he thought it would from this profound admittance.
“You’d tell me everything wouldn’t you?” Chishiya’s fingers travel upwards and curl in his hair. The man moves closer, lips brushing his.
“Of course,” Niragi says, even if there’s things he can’t. It’s not out of distrust, but purely to protect. He doesn’t like lying to Chishiya, but is it really lying or just omission?
Chishiya’s lips press against his firmly, and Niragi melts into it, parting the blonde’s with his tongue and trying to commit every inch of the other’s mouth to memory. He has no resistance, and is met with none either. He is accepted, and accepts. It’s freeing in a way he’s never before.
He pulls Chishiya onto his lap, the man’s legs on either side of his hips, both squished uncomfortably on the chair. His arms wrap around the other, and presses them together.
It’s not a heated kiss, but it still ignites something in Niragi.
He’s never felt this way with someone, when any physical intimately was only met with aversion as he pushed himself through it for survival and the urge to prove something. But it feels so natural with Chishiya.
He breaks from the kiss softly, gaze meeting catlike eyes, blinking slowly at him. The man has always looked at him with some sort of passion, but it’s different now. He can’t quite name exactly what it is, but he just knows he likes it.
“Are you alright?”
Niragi nods carefully, “Just surprised that I’m not freaking out.” Not that he thinks he’s anywhere close to furthering their physical intimacy beyond gentle kisses and innocent touch. Niragi is changing, but not enough to fucking…fuck someone– even if it’s Chishiya.
“This is new for me too,” Chishiya says, and it reassures Niragi even if he already knows they’re both completely inexperienced in things like this.
Niragi might’ve fucked too many women to count on all fingers and toes, but his association with sex has never been positive. And he’s never been with any man other than Chishiya either. It’s new; it’s frightening. Niragi isn’t sure what to think of it.
“I’m not going to push you, Suguru.”
“I’ve never thought that you would,” Niragi lets out a soft breath when Chishiya’s nails scrape down his scalp gently, untangling the knots in his unbrushed, unruly hair.
“I used to, but I don’t enjoy making you uncomfortable now.”
“I know, princess,” Niragi enjoys the feeling of Chishiya’s fingers combing through his messy hair. He used to be so conscious of the way he looked, but with Chishiya, he can just be.
“We’ll take it slow,” Chishiya adjusts into a comfortable position, and Niragi cradles the man in his arms while his hair is gently twirled around thin fingers. It’s always been so natural for them to be like this. Even when they hated each other it’s always been so pure– so real.
Niragi really is a fucking idiot.
He’s been in love all this time.
“Chishiya…Niragi…”
Niragi doesn’t want to be upset when their moment is interrupted, but the look on Kuina’s face doesn’t promise anything good.
“…what is it?” Niragi asks hesitantly, voice weak. He thinks he already knows, but he doesn’t want it to be real.
“I think we should all be with him right n-now,” Kuina’s voice wobbles at the end, doe eyes teary.
Niragi doesn’t want to go beneath the ship, but he does. He keeps his fingers tightly intertwined with Chishiya’s, desperate for comfort.
And it’s enough to make his stomach flip and bile rise in the back of his throat, looking at Arisu’s body practically disintegrating.
His arm is wrapped, but the cloth is red with blood and yellowing from decaying muscle and nerves. The flesh on half of his face is practically gone, teeth exposed and lips eaten through by whatever bacteria is speeding through his body. His eye is red, pupil blown out, and Niragu is pretty sure he can’t see out of it. Not that the other cloudy eye seems to see much of anything either.
Arisu’s hair is sparse and his exposed skin is rotten, thick with pus and scabbed with old blood. He’s breathing heavy, and Niragi doesn’t even want to wonder what his organs look like.
“-sagi,” Arisu doesn’t quite sound like himself, voice wet like his insides are melting and filling his body with fluid. Ann is holding his hand– face grim as he brokenly repeats Usagi’s name. Ann’s only response is I’m here– over and over again. Niragi feels ripped apart by the lie– memories of Heiya’s lost mind in the desert.
“He’s dying,” Aguni says, sitting on one of the bunk bed’s bottom mattress and staring down at the floor. Niragi thinks the man has just as hard of a time looking as him.
“Is there anything you can do?”
“We have no medication, Kuina,” Chishiya says, voice stiff. Niragi knows that he’s ripping himself apart inside not being able to do anything. They all feel hopeless.
“So we just let him be in pain?”
“I honestly don’t even think he knows he is,” Chishiya answers her, “And I don’t think any of us want to…end his suffering.”
“I can—“
“No,” Chishiya cuts Niragi off sharply, “We’re not making you do that again.”
“Shuntaro—“
“No.”
“Chishiya is right. It’s not fair for you to have to do this,” Ann sighs heavily, “I don’t think any of us should.”
“But wouldn’t that be the best solution?” Niragi argues, “It’s fucked up just letting him sit here and rot away.”
“-sagi,” Arisu groans, shifting on the bed, and Niragi isn’t sure if his mind is playing tricks on him, but it almost seems as if the infection is spreading. Ann just hushes Arisu, thumb running over the man’s knuckles.
“Niragi is right,” Aguni agrees, and he’s glad that at least someone is on his side.
“I wasn’t being serious,” Chishiya says, “We shouldn’t have– we shouldn’t have to.”
“What else can we do?” Niragi counters, because do they all really want to let Arisu suffer? He’s dying. There’s nothing to stop it.
“Are we seriously having this conversation again?” Kuina is slumped against the wall, head in her hands as she slides down onto the floor, “seriously?”
“But we need to have it,” Aguni says, and even if none of them want to, it’s necessary.
“We don’t know what supplies will be at the next safe house.”
“You think anything could even fucking cure him?” Niragi fixes Ann with an incredulous look. “And I’m pretty sure nothing is going to make his fucking flesh grow back.”
“We can’t kill him,” Kuina shakes her head, fingers wrapped around her locs as she curls in on herself from where she’s seated on the floor.
“Would there even be anything left of him without her?” Chishiya asks quietly, hand tightening around Niragi’s.
“No one is the same level of codependent as the two of you,” Ann eyes the two men critically, but she seems to deflate just as quickly, “That’s not to say we know how he’d react if he found out.”
Niragi doesn’t think they’ll have to worry about that, not with the way Arisu doesn’t even seem to comprehend the conversation they’re having. “So what do we do then?”
“Either we wait it out…”
“Or end his suffering,” Aguni finishes for Chishiya, and it feels like the tension in the room is only thickening.
“How do we do it?” Ann’s voice is soft enough that it’s almost difficult to hear. But Niragi hears it. He fucking hears her.
“The kindest option would be a gun,” Niragi says, his jaw tight and words coming out strained. Because what else could they really do? “Anything else would just be cruel.”
“So who's going to do it?” Kuina asks, muffled as her face is pressed onto her bent knees, arms wrapped around her shins.
“Not Suguru,” Chishiya’s tone leaves no room for argument, even if Niragi really wants to argue. “I’ll do it.”
“Shuntaro—“
“It’s my fault he’s like this,” Chishiya cuts him off angrily, voice laced with pain, “It’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault,” Niragi’s other hand moves to cradle Chishiya’s jaw. The man looks up at him with sharp, wet eyes. “Baby, it’s not your fault.”
He’s sort of pissed that no one backs him up, but he thinks that no one else wants to actually do it. If there’s already a volunteer then none of them have to take action and responsibility.
“I need to do this, Suguru,” Chishiya whispers, so only Niragi can hear him. “Please let me do this.”
“Not alone,” Niragi shakes his head, “I’m not going to let you do it alone. I’ll be with you.”
Chishiya seems to consider Niragi’s words, lips tilting down into a disapproving frown– no doubt wanting to keep Niragi’s painful guilt less than it already is. But he seems to know that Niragi won’t let this go, so he nods reluctantly.
“Let’s take him outside,” Niragi says, squeezing the blonde’s fingers tightly.
“We’ll all go,” Kuina is looking up at them, face determined. “You're right. No one should have to do this alone. Not again.”
“Together,” Ann says, while Aguni grunts out an agreement.
It feels good in a way it shouldn’t– not with what they have to do.
They take Arisu out onto the deck gently. Aguni carries him with careful steps, taking time to not jostle him before they sit him in a chair facing the ocean, watching the ocean pass and the icy chill bite at their faces. Ann sits beside him, holding his hand and whispering comforting words. Aguni keeps a hand on his other shoulder.
Chishiya’s hands shake slightly as he holds the gun and presses it gently to the back of Arisu’s head. Niragi holds him from behind– head buried in his hair and arms tight around him. Kuina keeps a comforting hand on his arm, squeezing gently.
It’s intimate. It’s heartbreaking. But there’s a closeness between them all that wasn’t there before. Niragi feels intertwined with them– like he’s fragmented, parts of him buried deep inside their souls.
The gunshot rings in the air, drowning out the crashing waves. And all Niragi can think is that Arisu will be with Usagi now.
He tries not to focus on the fact that he’s caused all of this.
Kuina lets out a gasping sob, and Niragi just grabs her, pulling her into a firm hold with Chishiya squished between them all. They cling onto each other, and Niragi feels someone pressed behind him, Aguni’s strong arms holding him close. He’s sure Ann is in their little pile too.
They mourn. They cry. They break and stitch back together with each brush against each other– hugging like they never want to let go. Niragi sort of doesn’t want to.
He lets out a shaky breath, face pressing closer into the crook of Chishiya’s neck.
He doesn’t want to think about who’s next.
“It won’t be him if you listen to me,” the Joker says, but Niragi ignores it even if he knows it’s right.
He just lets himself feel the rise and fall of everyone’s breaths as they merge with his own.
And his tears fall heavy down his face.
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