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Derek froze, his eyes locked onto the young boy they had just saved. Flashes of his childhood came back to him as though they had happened yesterday. He closed his eyes and the only thing he could see was the ceiling of that horrid place.
Emily and JJ were consoling the boy; the poor kid that would have to live with what happened to him for the rest of his life. His breathing became shallow, and his hands began to shake.
Suddenly, he felt a hand on him, and he flinched away, his body slamming into the wall of the room they were in. Heads turned to look at him, but he didn’t notice. He couldn’t see them. He saw right through them. They didn’t exist to 13-year-old Derek.
A voice said his name from beside him. It was a deep voice, and he made a weak noise that he was not proud of.
‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered, ‘I’ll be good.’
Another voice said his name, but it was more distant, and it was soft, a woman’s voice. He didn’t understand. He never let anyone else come to the cabin when he was here.
‘Derek, he’s not here anymore.’
No, she was wrong. He just touched him a moment ago, and he would again. He always wanted more.
‘Derek it’s Garcia, you know, baby girl?’
‘Garcia?’ She wouldn’t lie to him, he knows that.
‘Yeah, it’s me. He’s not here Derek. You’re safe.’
‘But’ he started, ‘he was just…’
She cut him off gently. ‘That was just a flashback Derek. You’re safe.’
‘I’m safe?’ He repeated.
‘Yes, you are. Hotch is right beside you, and he won’t let anything happen to you.’
‘Hotch?’
‘Yes, Hotch is there.’
‘The others?’ He asked worriedly.
Hotch spoke up. ‘They are outside.’
He took a deep breath and looked beside him.
Hotch was standing there with his phone out towards him, Garcia’s number on the screen. Hotch saw him looking at the phone and answered his question for him.
‘I knew Garcia would be able to get through to you.’
Garcia’s voice spoke through the phone.
‘Are you okay now Derek?’
‘All thanks to you Baby girl.’
He heard her laugh. ‘Always a flirt, even after a panic attack.’
He smiled. She always managed to get a smile on his face, no matter what.
‘Call me later, okay?’ She asked.
‘Alright,’ he answered her.
Hotch put his phone away and he looked away. He can’t believe that Hotch witnessed that. He couldn’t face him.
‘Morgan, look at me.’ Hotch urged him. He couldn’t. ‘It’s okay. We all get flashbacks. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.’
Hotch didn’t understand. He was ashamed. Not of the flashbacks, but of what happened to him.
‘Morgan.’ He spoke again, and he knew he had to talk to him.
‘I am ashamed.’ He told him quietly.
‘Why?’ Hotch asked him. ‘We all get them. You’ve seen me have them before.’
‘It’s different.’
‘How?’
‘Because what happened to you is different than what happened to me.’
He could hear Hotch move closer and he had to force himself not to step back.
‘You’re not weak or faulty or defective because you were sexually abused Derek.’ Hotch spoke, and he felt a tear fall down his face.
‘It wasn’t your fault, there’s nothing for you to be ashamed about. You didn’t do anything wrong.’
His mind went back to the last time he saw him and what he had said. You could’ve said no.
‘I could’ve said no.’
Hotch moved in front of him, forcing him to look him in the eye. ‘Derek, it wasn’t your fault.’
He shook his head. ‘But I could’ve said no.’
Hotch’s voice was firm, soft but firm.
‘You didn’t want it, Derek. You didn’t ask for it. It isn’t your fault that this happened to you. You didn’t let it happen. He forced himself upon you.’
‘But he said…’ He was cut off.
‘No Derek. You didn’t let him do anything to you. He did it because he wanted to, not because you wanted to. It wasn’t your fault.’
‘It wasn’t?’ He whispered. All this time, he believed that he had let him do this to him. He didn’t stop him, so it was his fault. He let him go through with it.
Hotch repeated it again, knowing that he needed to hear it one more time. ‘It wasn’t your fault.’
‘It wasn’t my fault.’ He took a deep breath and let it sink in.
‘It wasn’t my fault.’ He wiped the wetness from his cheeks. ‘It wasn’t my fault.’
‘Are you ready to go back out?’ Hotch asked him. He shook his head.
‘Give me a minute.’
Hotch walked outside of the room and closed the door behind him.
‘It wasn’t my fault.’ He repeated again to himself. ‘It wasn’t my fault.’