Chapter 1: Stars and Crosses
Summary:
Remus is a little shit when it comes to irritating rival teams...and I'm here for it honestly
Notes:
This chapter should NOT have taken me as long as it did to write, but here we are 11k words in four days - blame my bed rotting. ANYWAY, there aren't any particular warnings for this chapter - just includes drinking so, yeah, do with that what you will. Just a quick disclaimer, this fic is short, meaning there won't be a necessary slow burn but I'm also not going to rush anything. Enjoy :~)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
You see, when it came to James Potter and his obsessive rambling, or attempted persuading, or even just the smallest hint of an idea blooming in that big head of his, it became very hard to avoid his train of thought, and that meant that it also became quite difficult to say no. When the boy had an idea, of any sort, he'd make sure every last person who he had ever interacted with, despite that only being a handful of times, knew about it. James Potter, as a whole, was what people knew to be a social butterfly. He was all things outgoing, energetic... social.
Remus Lupin was not a sociable person, not in the slightest, and he'd take great pride in that - when he could. However, when he couldn't, that would be down to his obsessive friends and all of their attempts to get him to socialise. And he was fine with doing none of that, thank you very much. James Potter may be a social butterfly, and if anything, that made Remus a sort of self-depreciating moth.
It didn't bother him. Not one single bit.
He had his basketball team, a sport he'd adored playing since he was nine years old - starting easily in his back garden with his father, until eventually he began playing for his high school team which then gained him a scholarship to a college and now here he was, star-shooting guard for his University's Championship team. He had all the books he'd spend his free-time reading, the Uni's gym - in which his membership was completely covered due to his place on the team, as well as the track on the back fields of the grounds. Remus was not destitute, not lonely, and definitely not bored.
So as their first "big-game" of the season was approaching quite hurriedly, their team captain would not shut up about plans for a post-game party. And Remus was nearly one hundred percent sure that he'd stick to those plans whether they won or lost. Though, they were not going to lose. This meant that the locker rooms were jam-packed with party talk, which Remus could easily ignore (he had been for Christ's sake - and he'd done the same exact thing the year before and would continue to do so for his remaining two years) however, it did become incredibly distracting when James had taken to nagging him outside of the locker rooms as well.
Firstly, it started on the court. Every time he'd make an open pass to the boy he'd quip immediately with a request that he turn up for once - "please Remus, it'll be fun!" he'd insist, or even better, "you need to make more friends, it's been a year and you're still hiding away that beautiful face of yours!" Remus did not think he was hiding his ... perfectly normal face away from anybody. And then, the past week it had moved unfortunately away from the locker rooms, and out of practice hours completely.
He'd been minding his own business, head tucked into a book in the back of the library when the chair beside him had scuffed against the floor, and this time - to make things oh so better, James had been accompanied with two other players from their team: Gideon and Fabian Prewett - the twins, known for their unstoppable mischief that Remus had heard James and his friends were always attempting to rival. "Pots here tell us you're not coming to the party next week, what's that for Lupin?"
To which Remus had shut his head, closed his book shut sharply and manoeuvred his way out of the library all together. It wasn't that he particularly disliked any of the members of his team, though he didn't know any of them very well - which contributed massively, and it wasn't that he even hated the idea of celebrating with the rest of them. It was simply down to the fact Basketball Remus and Ordinary, student, Remus were two very different people.
Remus, on the court, was easy going, strong-minded and light on his feet - he knew what he was doing, and he did it without much of a fuss. He could dribble perfectly, score from distances that simply seemed too far, he could pass easily as if telepathic with his team, and he could converse during without a problem. And that was fine, sportsman Remus had no problem interacting on court - his mouth didn't really have a stop button, especially when it came to stopping the other team from making shots and then smirking at their attitude towards him. It was fun.
The problem, overall, was Remus off of the court was incredibly different to the one on it. He didn't know how to engage in conversation, he didn't know how to approach people, and there had been plenty of times where he'd quite literally tripped over his own laces. He had never been a people person, and that wasn't going to start now. Besides, it wasn't like he was impossible at having conversations - once they'd started he'd find himself enjoying them, that wasn't the issue. No, it was readying himself for them in the first place - he'd put himself off with his useless anxieties and then he'd avoid them all together for the sake of containing any remaining brain power he had.
He was smug, at times - cocky and abrasive when he wanted to be, there wasn't a quiet side really to his personality unless he forced it - and for some god-forsaken reason, he did so during social interaction, especially when it came to people he didn't know. Convincing himself he'd be too much and should just follow along, catching whatever bone others threw to him rather than throwing one of his own. No, no that came with time. Ask Lily for example, or Marlene - two of his closest, only, friends. They'd taken time to unravel Remus, and sure enough - he could have made it easier for them, but he didn't. Too convinced that they wouldn't like him. It had been a problem for a while, one of which he saw no ill intent to, and therefor there was no need to work on it.
Lily would disagree.
Marlene would tell him that he was a very likeable person.
And then Remus would shake his head bashfully, keep away from any new things and remain in the dark. He just didn't mind, really.
So, on one of their final practices' before their big game, as he knelt down to hold his hands on his knees and gather his remaining breath he wasn't surprised in the slightest to be approached by their team captain, teeth-baring grin on his face. He shook his head before the poor boy even got the opportunity to ask. Standing to his full height, which was a few inches taller than James, he lifted the hem of his shirt to wipe at the sweat on his brow, heavily breathing and muttering a quiet "no," before reaching for his water bottle.
"Remus!" James said joyfully, patting at his shoulder with the grin still there, plastered smugly across his face. "C'mon, mate. Party at mine next Friday, after the game, come and celebrate a win with us for once!"
Remus breathed out a laugh, swallowing down the majority of his water before placing it back on the bench and rolling out his shoulder, it had begun stinging some time halfway through their practice. "You never quit do you?" He asked, watching the smile grow on the others face, eye's widen a little in shock. "I'll think about it."
"You can bring your friends too, if you want." He continued, leaning over to grab his own bottle from the bench before they both made their way towards the locker room. "It's at my place so my roommate will be there too, Benjy's bringing his friend and his sibling - the more the merrier, yeah?"
"Right, right," Remus laughed in response. The two made their way into the room, searching through their gym bags for a spare change of clothing before hurrying towards the shower block. Remus took his usual stall in the back corner, grinning as he turned the water full heat to soothe the ache in his limbs. "You're only telling me that so I can bring Lily!" He yelled over the stream, listening as James turned on his own shower.
"Tell yourself what you want Lupin!" was the response he received, and they both sniggered under the taps.
Remus stood there longer than he needed to really, basking in the relief it brought onto his sore joints. He rolled his left shoulder again, gripping harshly at his freckle covered skin. He'd think about attending, and maybe he would bring Lily along - Marlene already going, no doubt.
It was dark by the time he left the locker rooms, bidding goodbye to Hooch - the teams coach, and smiling at the security guard who was locking up. His gym bag slung over his shoulder, hands searching the depths of his hoodies pocket in attempts to free the tangled wires of his headphones. The volume on his phone, as he shuffled his favoured playlist, blaringly loud against the quiet of the campus around him.
Evening practices were always his favourite, after a long day in lectures, or tucked away in the library and then eventually basketball he found he quite enjoyed the twenty minute walk it took from the gym to his apartment just off of campus. September, though, was gaining it's chill quite quickly this year - so, in attempts to savour the heat from his previous shower Remus found himself rubbing feverishly at his covered arms, always forgetting his coat back at his place on the mornings.
It didn't take long to round the street in which the apartment was located, and a smile fought it's way onto his face as he buzzed himself in down stairs, taking them two steps at a time as he jogged up to the third floor - his excessive fear of lifts doing nothing for the one that remained unused in the complex's lobby. He fumbled for his keys, always regretting leaving them at the bottom of his sports bag when it came to times like these.
Eventually successful he pushed the key towards the lock, frowning when it refused to go in. “Lily Evans!” He scolded, bringing a hard fist to the wooden door, “how many times do I have to tell you -“ he didn’t stop when the door flung open, a shy looking red-head on the other side, “to stop leaving your key in when you know I’ll be back after you!”
She laughed, a look on her face that said enough regarding the temporary scolding and stepped aside to let him in. “I just forget,” she excused herself, following him towards their quaint kitchen, standing idly as he pulled a gatorade from the fridge. “You’re hardly back before me.”
”Well, that’s just a lie,” he argued, twisting the cap back onto the bottle and dropping it back onto the shelf inside. He closed the door, turning to face his friend with a smile, “you eaten?”
She nodded, letting a smile linger between them. “Ordered, you just missed Marls - but there’s pho for you in the microwave, still hot but I know you like it scorching.”
He hummed in approval, thankful for his favourite dish and immediately reached for it, searching the drawers for a pair of chopsticks. The pair stood in the kitchen, ignoring their perfectly accessible island stools in favour of leaning against the counters. They caught up with one anothers weeks, what upcoming plans they had as well as Lily complaining about a douche in her gender studies class.
“I always find it weird when you come to me with these stories,” he supplied around a mouthful of noodles. “How can someone willingly choose gender studies and then have the nerve to be a complete bigot during them?”
“Beats me,” she shrugged, reaching to their highest cabinet and pulling down a bottle of red. She bumped her hip against his own, moving him from the glass cupboard and kneeling to grab one. “I think he thought it was some kind of joke, you know. God knows how long he’ll last - I’m surprised he’s come back this year to be honest.”
Lily and Remus had been friends for a long time, ever since she split ways with a childhood friend: Severus Snape. They’d had a massive row on the schools playground and Remus had punched him in the face after the boy had spat an ugly slur at the girl. And they’d been conjoined ever since. It wasn’t until college that they met Marlene, through a friend of Lily’s - and it was lucky for them, really, that they’d all gotten into the same University.
Whilst Remus studied English Literature and classics alongside his Basketball, Lily took gender studies and psychology. Marlene however, as she’d blame on the pure fact she was a lesbian and “it’s what us queer folk do” studied art. Every time she mentioned it, Lily would supply the fact that she and Remus are both bisexual, but Marlene would tut and shake her head.
Marlene and Lily both expanded during the first year of University, both picking up collective friends in their classes as well as during study sessions - in groups. And Remus was happy for them, though he remained perfectly content having them, and the rest of his team, when it came to interacting with others. At most, he’d participate during group works, or assigned projects, but even then he never needed to stick around long - not many were presented in his course, only a few here and there.
Lily, unlike Marlene, shared the apartment with Remus. A small, homey, two bedroom one bathroom apartment just off of campus - both on the same page about their opinions on university dormitories. Marlene turned down their offer to share too, claiming she wanted the full experience, only to later complain that her dorm mate was a bit insane. Remus and Lily both hid their smiles when she told that story.
Either way, Remus was perfectly content, happy even. He had far more than what he’d ever expected achieving, and just that made it worthwhile.
Despite that, his shoulder hurt and he could use the excuse to drink some the following weekend. So as he finished his soup, depositing the empty bowl into the sink behind him, he approached Lily with a tired smile.
”There’s a party next Friday,” he began, watching Lily perk up from her seat, face lighting up behind her glass of wine. “At James’ place - it’s for the team, really. He invited me, said I could bring some friends. You interested?”
“You!” She said, a cheerful expression laces in her words as she pointed an accusing finger. “Hurrah! The day has come!”
”Oh, shut up!” He blushed, retrieving a bottle of water from the fridge and hiding behind it. “I told him I’d think about going, and now I’m asking what you want to do.”
”Oh we should absolutely go!” She declared, slamming her glass down onto the surface. “I need an excuse to get sloshed and you need to meet people!”
”I do not need to do anything,” he shot back, shaking his head back and forth.
“You need to get laid-“
”Lily!”
”And a party is a perfect way to meet new people,” she suggested, nodding her head. “We’re going, end of story.”
***
Remus' legs burned. Hooch, mother of all evil, had given laps - twenty of them to be exact, and it wasn't usually a big deal, he quite enjoyed the run, but after a two hour practice where his joints were already half way stiff, it wasn't pleasant. Either way, it was their last practice before the big game - which was to take place tomorrow evening, and as Remus remembered it on his twelfth lap he bit his lip to hide the protruding groan - the party. He'd completely forgotten all about it, once again, only for it to be brought up in close conversation.
He shook the thought out of his head, speeding up slightly in order to finish earlier. He'd go to the party, alongside Marlene and Lily, he'd make an impression - possibly, or he'd just... stand in the corner for an hour, and then he'd leave. Nobody could tell him he had to come to the next one that way. It wasn't that big of a deal, and Lily would flick the back of his neck harshly if she knew he was worrying, he just couldn't help it - despite the face he didn't necessarily enjoy talking to random strangers under the influence, especially under the influence, he also had never been to a Uni party before, and he felt quite small about it.
"Don't slow down now, Lupin," said a voice from his left, he watched -amused- as Benjy Fenwick caught up, keeping a steady pace beside him. "You've been in the lead since we began, don't wanna be overtaken do you?"
You see, Remus was admittedly fast, and on a good day he could outrun his entire team, and that wasn't just because of basketball but the runs he would take outside of training hours just to make sure he'd remain fit enough for the sport. And, even as shooting guard - his job wasn't essentially to be quick on his feet, though it did help, no - Remus was all shooting and defending on the court. Whilst he received a genuine rush from shooting, whether it was pushing his tall frame off of the ground from beneath the hoop and scoring, or throwing the ball from a distance it wasn't quite the same, adrenaline-pumping, excitement he'd be filled with when tormenting their opposing team.
It seemed like a perfectly natural outlet, and - introvert, book loving, Remus Lupin was in dire need of one. So, he chose his basketball, he'd smile or laugh when whoever he was guarding during a game would get temperamental, he'd shake his head if they ever got pushy and he'd relish in the fouls they'd receive. It was just nice, sometimes to piss another person off, and maybe that was a bit of a toxic thing to enjoy, but everyone has their flaws and Remus' never got anyone (well, but himself) hurt, so all was good. Besides, he kept that habit in the sport, off-the-court Remus Lupin hated anything and all things anger - and he'd blame his father for that, whoever was asking.
Remus smiled, "fuck off Fenwick." And then, he picked up his pace - there were four laps left now, and Remus refused to fall behind last minute. Ignoring the pain shooting through his calves, and the annoying sting in his shoulder he pushed forward, gaining a hefty lead on Benjy who was laughing from behind. "What?" he tormented, as usual for his basketball facade, "can't keep up?"
Benjy was another person on the team who decided to make it his life's mission to obsess over getting Remus to interact more with them outside of the gym, and if he was being honest with himself - Remus quite enjoyed the cat and mouse game the others would pull on him, it made him feel more than just a star shooting guard and like an actual person. Everyone on the team was close, really. James had Frank, who would constantly banter with one another on and off of the court, and Benjy had Caradoc - who Remus swore had a more than friends friendship - then there was Gideon and Fabian who, as twins, were automatically compelled towards one another, and Remus was just... Remus. So, yeah, it felt nice to be included.
Did that mean he was going to attend every party or other social gathering the team decided? No, no it didn't. He was used to things being the way they were, and he was content with them remaining that way. It was still fun.
"You're a sadistic fuck," Benjy said as they came to a stop at the end, both boys leaning forward on their knees to gather their breaths. Remus laughed, taking a hold of his own water bottle before passing Benjy's his own. "No really," he insisted, wiping the sweat from his brow with the hem of his shirt, "you enjoy that way too much - it's supposed to be punishment Lupin, we played like shit."
"We didn't play like shit," Remus scoffed, shaking his head. "Hooch is just on our asses because of tomorrow's game."
"Yeah, yeah" he waved a dismissive hand. "About that game-"
"Listen," Remus said - cutting him off with a stern look. "You all have a weird obsession with me, reel it in a bit, yeah?"
Benjy stood up straight, looking directly at the other beside him, water bottle still in his hand. He tilted his head to the side, giving Remus' entire frame a once over sort of look before he broke out into a massive grin. "Oh, you enjoy it don't you!"
Remus smiled, looking down at the floor to hide his blush - though he could probably get away with it due to the heat in the gym. "It is a bit fun," he shrugged, watching as the team was dismissed from the hall. The pair pushed through the heavy doors, making their way slowly towards the locker rooms. "But it's not something I look forward to every single day."
"You enjoy it!" The boy was still riding his high, jumping eagerly beside him and patting at his good shoulder. "You're coming, though, right? Tomorrow night, it'll be fun - c'mon live a little."
Reaching down for his gym bag, he searched for his change of clothing before backing up towards the showers, hands raised in surrender as Benjy continued his tangent. "I'll think about it!" He called back, stepping into the last stall at the end.
He ignored the talk between the team, vaguely gathering the mention of his name followed with talk of the party tomorrow night - and he definitely didn't miss the excited squeal that came from a very familiar James Potter.
"We've won him over!"
***
"How you feeling about tonight?" Marlene asked, moving into her designated chair at the table in the library. Remus and Lily sat opposing her, heads stuck in their own different text books. They gathered in the back corner of the library during the week, a circular table by the biggest window - it was always their favourite spot.
Marlene's - so she could spy on the students by the courtyard outside, she'd played many a games with the other two, all of them taking part in guessing what each student took, and if they had any "rebellious" phases going on at the minute. Lily's because it was secluded, and she could avoid the rest of the basketball players - or, well just one in particular and Remus had a similar reason to the formers, it was just quiet, nice.
Remus sighed, closed his book and deposited it into his satchel by his feet - once Marlene arrived it was very rare you actually got any useful work done, and besides he had pretty much finished his reading for the essay he needed to write. He smiled, placed his chin onto his hands and looked across the table at her. "You're hair!" Lily exclaimed from his side, quickly following his lead and packing away her things, "again? You changed it last week!"
"Lily Lily Lily," Marlene tutted, shaking her head back and forth. "I told you I bleached it for a reason!"
"Yeah, and then you put a platinum blonde over it," she scolded mildly, "your hairs going to fall out!"
"At least it's pretty," Remus added, his tired smile still on his face as he looked between the two. "I do really like the pink, actually."
Marlene tended to dye her hair a lot these days, and Remus had just jumped on that train and learnt to appreciate whatever colourful concoctions she'd come up with. The most she had dyed it was four times in a week, at some point during their first year. She had even convinced Remus to dye his tips green one time, and he promised to stay away from the stuff ever since, green was not a good colour after a few washes he had unfortunately figured out. Right now though, after bleaching and dying her hair blonde at the beginning of the week, she seemed to have dyed half of her hair pink, in strips - highlights, he supposed, and it did actually look quite nice with her shaggy cut.
"Thank you!" She scoffed, waving a hand in his direction whilst still narrowing her eyes towards Lily, "he appreciates my art work."
"It's not art work when it's going to make you go bald."
"Even that would be art," she shrugged, reaching into the pocket of her leather jacket and pulling out her phone. "Besides, I recon I could rock a bald head. What do you think Rus, shall we go bald?"
Remus cringed, knitting his eyebrows at her, "where the fuck has Rus come from?"
"I'm testing out nicknames, you know this!" She dismissed, searching something into her phone before grinning at the device. "Rem, Remmy, Re Re -"
"Oh, enough, enough!" Remus squirmed, shaking his head and bringing up his hands to cover his ears. "Those are awful, please, spare me."
Lily was laughing at his side, pulling her phone out and scrolling before letting out an excited sort of shriek - he thinks. "Ha! What about Remu."
Remus flung himself to his feet, reaching for his bag and throwing it over his shoulder with a huff, "you guys make me loose my will to live."
"Oh, that's non-existent anyway," Marlene laughed, standing beside him also and beckoning Lily to follow. "You guys got time to go for a coffee? I'm dying for their new pumpkin spice shit."
"It's September," Lily said, head tilted in confusion. "I thought they didn't bring those out until November?"
"Oh," she deflated, stopping in her tracks on their way to the main entrance of the room. "I didn't even realise, oh well - I still want coffee, coming?"
Remus hid a laugh behind his palm, disguising it with a yawn as the three of them left campus, Lily and Marlene still discussing the dangers behind hair dye. He smiled down at his phone, scrolling aimlessly through his socials as they walked. The coffee shop they visited frequently wasn't far, and as they rounded a busy street, they caught a glimpse of it in the distance. He shoved his phone into his gym jacket pocket, followed by his hands and followed behind the girls as they ventured inside.
The small bell above the door signalled their arrival, it was a small family business they had found during their first year, making sure to spend any remaining free time either of the obtained right here in a booth in the corner. Remus had a good hour or so before the big game tonight, so he decided to make the best of it - settling on an iced tea in favour of his performance tonight, coffee - despite all odds - made him tired.
The three ordered together, Marlene settling on a monstrosity of an iced Frappuccino whilst Lily settled on a simple iced latte - without the syrup and chocolate flakes that the other seemed to enjoy so much. They found their usual booth in the corner, smiling as they passed a small, younger, looking waitress and dispersed around the table; Lily and Remus on one side, whilst Remus claimed window seat, and Marlene facing them - so she could put her feet up, as usual.
"So," she said, clapping her hands together before rubbing at her under-eye and messing the already messy eye-liner she wore. "Big game tonight, how are we feeling?"
"Is that you?" Lily scoffed, moving a hand over her eyes as she peered across the table, mouth open in shock. "Marlene McKinnon asking about sports!"
Marlene rolled her eyes, using her finger to extract the whipped cream that covered the top of the drink and flicking it towards the girl, "shut up, I'm trying to support our friend."
"You've never asked about basketball," Remus shrugged, agreeing with Lily.
"Well, yeah," said Marlene in response, taking a sip of her drink through the neon yellow straw. "I don't care for it, you know this. But I have to be there tonight, and here I am - like a good friend - asking how you're feeling, I've never even seen you play before."
"You used to play in my back garden during summer holidays."
"Remus John Lupin, how the fuck are you feeling about your game tonight?!"
Remus laughed, shaking his head at the outburst before taking a sip of his drink. "M'fine," he mumbled with a shrug of his shoulders, "It's against those Slytherins, so easy win."
"Easy win maybe," Lily huffed, using her straw to stir at her drink absentmindedly. "But not easy easy, they're ruthless."
"And their anger management - or lack thereof, makes them sloppy," he said with a nod a small smile finding its way to his face. "Besides, they're all piss-short, and they can think they're intimidating all they want, a five year old scares me more than some of those gits."
Marlene burst out laughing at that, cream finding its way to her nose as she huffed on her laughs, leaning back in her chair. "Oh God," she gasped, patting at her chest, "I can just see it now," and then she rose her arms in the air, as if spelling it out, "Remus Lupin v five year old girl! Place your bets!"
"I wouldn't fight a five year old girl," he mumbled behind his straw.
"Yeah, cause you'd lose Rem," Lily settled, placing an encouraging arm on his shoulder.
***
The introductory routine that came with games was, hands down, Remus' least favourite part of the sport. As he, and the rest of his teammates - including the subs, made their way onto the court to prepare and his name was blasted throughout the gyms speakers he kept his head down, staring onto the glossy floor as if it was the most interesting thing. He just hated it, people cheering when his name was called, or whistles blown from somewhere in the crowd - thank you, Marlene.
He slipped up beside James, dribbling and passing the ball to one another and then attempting field goals in preparation, they moved quickly across the court, playing just between themselves as the rest of their team warmed up. It was how they worked, the pair of them, always together for warmups. Despite the fact Remus was a good bit taller than James, it was the captain who played the centre role. It wasn't traditional, no, and if that was the case their roles would be reversed, but Hooch had called it early on in their first year that they should swap roles - and it benefited the team, to say the least.
So: Remus began playing as shooting guard, and as it was his job to attempt the most goals of the game, learn to move without the ball and then further defend when opposing team is in obsession, he found the change in roles exciting, new. And James thrived as a centre, he was perfectly capable at making close shots but it was his defence that was strong enough to win the games. Fabian was tasked with being the teams main power forward whilst his brother, Gideon, was the small forward and obviously, that left Benjy with the role of point guard. Remus wouldn't complain about that turn of events, each of them were comfortable within their positions and if Hooch ever decided to change it up a bit, it was sure that they wouldn't play as well.
She found accurate subs for each role, having usually split the teams into two completely different ones when it came to change overs during half time, or after time outs. She had a strong system, and she enjoyed flaunting her "better" players. It was unfortunate, if she deemed you a sub, because it was very obvious that she sought out favourites, prioritising those in which she had the most faith. Remus was glad he was in her handful, and it provided very little concern when it came to those who were almost always benched - though, he was sure it felt a little humiliating, after all he had been a designated sub before, but he'd worked hard to get out of that position, to where he is now.
The whistle overhead blew, signalling the five minute till game time. And that in itself was enough to get the two players to track back towards the bench, making light conversation with others as they drank from their water bottles. The gym was hot today, and the game hadn't even begun but Remus was already building quite a sweat, curls damp on the back of his neck. It was their first game of the season, against the only rivals they deemed rival worthy: Slytherins.
He turned to watch the opposing team warmup, dribbling gracefully across the pitch, their shooting-guard, Evan Rosier, making tactless goals. Remus was fond of the guy, admittedly, despite the constant flirt the two had going on on the pitch, he admired how the boy played. But, as it was for the rest of the Slytherins too, he couldn't quite keep a level head the entire time. Moral of the story, Slytherin were good - exceptional competition, though they lost due to their nerves, and the anger that would bubble due to the other teams torment. Remus thrived with the knowledge, and the rest of his team made sure he knew when and how to push the other players buttons - even if his role wasn't required to do such, he didn't have to guard other players, just focus on scoring, but it was fun.
"Hey hey," James whispered giddily from his side, poking at his ribs through Remus' compression shirt beneath his jersey - "03 Lupin", in attempts to get his attention. The boy looked out into the crowd, pointing towards a group of people with a large grin, "is that your friend, Evans?"
Remus followed the boys eyeline, squinting out at the crowd beneath the lights and clocking on to where the other was pointing. "Yeah, Marlene must have dragged her along."
"You know McKinnon?" James asked next, dropping his bottle onto the bench and placing a hand on Remus' shoulder, "she's friends with my roommate."
Remus nodded, following suit and ditching his own bottle before lifting the hem of his jersey to wipe at his forehead. "She's been my friend for a few years now, I didn't know she knew you."
"Eh," James dismissed, shaking his head slowly back and forth, "Doesn't really. You coming to the party, yeah?" His face broke out into a wide grin at the others hesitation, leaning back on his heels as if he already knew the answer. Remus nodded, sullen and quiet. "The day has come!" He hurrahed, "I've finally managed to get you out! Look, look," and then he was pointing towards the crowd again, beside Lily and Marlene were two other people, watching James intently with curious faces, "those are my mates. That's Pete,"
Remus watched as the boy pointed towards a short, stocky looking sort of guy. A mess of blonde shaggy hair on his round face, a booming smile as he yelled something inaudible to the court, James stifled a laugh beside him. He noticed the boy was wearing a baggy sort of denim jacket over a plain t-shirt, letting his eyes linger on the badges that covered them. And then James was pointing beside him, and Remus laid his eyes easily on the man, before the gaze turned eager and his stomach fell out completely - incredibly similar to the feelings he'd get when and if he'd ever score their winning goal.
His mouth suddenly felt very dry as his eyes caught onto those staring right at him, a shy almost timid look to the boy who now seemed completely engaged at the court below. Remus tracked his eyes over the boys features, a sharp jawline with matching cheekbones, accompanied by a dark head of just past shoulder-length hair, curling under the others chin slightly. He swallowed roughly, tilting his head as the other boy looked away, a deep red clinging to his neck and crawling up to his face. Remus smiled, though was quickly pulled out of his thoughts as the whistle blew once more - signalling it was time to begin the game.
He shook his head as he jogged towards his starting position, risking one more glance back at the crowd and finding the same blue? eyes looking at his. He couldn't tell the colour from this distance, but oh did he desperately want to get a closer look.
"Evening," a snarky voice said from behind him, pulling him out from the crowd. Remus looked over his shoulder, smiling as Evan approached, "tipping off?"
Remus shook his head, throwing a thumb over his shoulder towards James who was making his way towards the ref in the centre, "James' taking it."
"Pity," Evan smirked, purposely eyeing him as he passed towards the centre, then he turned around walking backwards and blew a kiss in Remus' direction, "wish me look, three."
Remus breathed out a laugh, far too used to the antics that occurred around Evan Rosier. He took his position towards the three-point line, watching as the ref blew a final whistle before starting, and throwing the ball into the air. He felt his toes curl as James jumped for the ball, knocking it out just before Evan had the chance to touch - it soared through the air towards him, a smile etched itself upon its face when he jumped for it, circling quickly before passing towards Fabian. And thus, officially, the game began.
They were just over a minute in when the first goal of the evening was scored, Remus in possession of the ball as the opposing teams scuffled in front of him, using his leg strength and height he pushed off of the floor and sent the ball towards the net - securing three beginning points as he scored from behind the three-point mark. It was his favourite goal to attempt, a great distance between himself and the post, doing nothing but pump his adrenaline when he landed them.
The crowd cheered, and James threw a thumbs up from the opposite side of the court. This game was going to be a good one.
***
By the third quarter Remus had already been subbed and was ready to be sent back out for the final round of the game - after the first two Hooch had pulled him in attempts to save his strength, but it did nothing good for him as he watched the game, scowling as Slytherin began to pull through. The scored were currently 49 to 47, with the visitors in the lead and Remus was bursting to get back onto the court as score more goals. Maybe show off a little for the sake of his own sanity.
And as the third quarter came to a close James made it clear he wanted him back in, approaching Hooch as soon as the whistle for break sounded. She nodded solemnly from his side, waving a hand at Remus from by the scoreboards, signalling she too wanted him out again. He nodded, reached for his water bottle and took a hefty swig in preparation for their final quarter.
"You gotta piss em off Lupin," he said as he approached the bench, despite his sour mood towards the scores he kept a smile on his face during conversation. "We can focus on getting that ball to me, shoot when you need to - but I want you treading on their toes, okay?"
"Right," he nodded, lowering his bottle and standing as the game was about to continue. He rolled his shoulder again, approaching his position and sending a wink towards Rosier who was across the floor, the boy fake swooned and sent him a grin as the whistle blew.
James' plan was going to work, it did every time. The only problem it faced, sometimes, was the fact Slytherin were capable at getting the upper hand. And, sure, they weren't in the lead by much, this only meant Remus had to start now, because if they secured any more points then he wouldn't be able to dishearten them quick enough. It was just his luck that Crouch, another rival member was in possession of the ball beside him.
Remus moved to guard him instantly, ready to take the ball given the right opportunity. "Pass it," he whispered, smiling as the boy began to buckle under the pressure - he dribbled to his left, in attempts to loose Remus, but he was glued to his side, predicting every move two steps before the boy even thought of it. "Go on, Crouch. Pass it."
The brunette groaned, sending an evil look towards Remus - who just smiled sweetly in response, sending a fake hand towards the ball and forcing Barty to backtrack. He dribbled back to the right, in attempts to pass to Mulciber who was currently dealing with a very determined looking Benjy. Remus was enjoying it tremendously.
"What're you waiting for, Crouch?" Remus supplied, following him eagerly towards the defences side of the pitch. Like mentioned, Remus was quick, and despite being a basketball player Barty Crouch was shorter, a firmer build yes but nothing to tackle to stamina of Remus' longer legs. "Go on, pass it!"
"Shut your mouth," he retorted angrily, shoving a shoulder right into Remus' chest in attempts to free himself up. Remus laughed as he staggered backwards, quickly recovering and skipping to the other side of the boy, blocking what could've been a pass to Avery. "Fuck off Lupin."
"Shoot it," he offered, shrugging his shoulders and looking quickly towards their post. "I recon you could, jump a little."
"I said shut up," he scowled, and then he jumped quickly, letting go of the ball in attempts to pass to Evan. But Remus was quicker, and he most definitely saw it coming, he reached a single hand into the air and retrieved the ball, dribbling quickly towards the centre point before Barty could even register the loss of possession, and he passed towards James who cheered loudly and secured two points with his goal.
They were tying now, and Barty had begun to loose his temper, sending a very rude gesture of his hands towards Remus from across the court. Remus' hands flew into the air, pretending to grab and pocket the two fingers. He sent a smile towards the boy before the ball was in his possession once more, he passed to Fabian before moving down towards his post again, caught a pass from Benjy and then dribbled out of a mess of two opposing team members.
Remus found himself laughing from behind Mulciber, who was attempting to use his broad shoulders as a threat. He shook his head, complimented the mans build before reaching up from behind him, sending the ball flying into their net from behind the three-point line, securing another three on top of their current score of 49. They were officially in the lead, 52-49 and they only had three minutes of the game remaining.
"Open!" James called from the left side, catching the ball with a grin as Gideon threw it across the court. He landed swiftly with bent knees and pivoted in place in search of another pass, Remus' arms were in the air before he even registered James' throw, catching eagerly and shooting right from where he stood, still. Securing another three points as the crowd around them screamed.
Slytherin were quickly feeling defeated already, with one and a half minutes left. Barty was scowling as he followed Remus across the court, more focussed on tripping him up than the actual game in retaliation. Remus was thrilled, really. Because, just like any other game, his presence would intrigue Evan who would then spend all his brain power coming up with a pick up line instead of attempting to secure any more goals. And, be still his beating heart, it was happening right now.
"Oi Crouch," Evan called, a smirk lingering on his features - he wiped at the blonde of his hair, clinging sweaty to his forehead. "Get over yourself and get your head back in the game!"
Remus huffed a laugh from beside the brunette, watching excitedly as he sent the bird to his captain, he was passed the ball a second later and leaning to Bartys left to pass towards Gideon was his tipping point, it seemed. Because next thing Remus knew, two hands were on his shoulders from behind, pulling him backwards towards the outside lines of the court.
The whistle blew before he could even turn to face the enemy point guard, a smile on his face as the ref approached angrily. "Woah woah!" The shorter man called, "hands off Crouch, that's a foul. Lupin, line up to take a free-shot."
The crowd was already cheering before Remus could even make his way towards the position, there were thirty seconds left of the game and even if Remus missed this shot - which he wouldn't, he never did - Gryffindor had already won. Remus couldn't help the grin that settled on his face, looking out towards the crowd to find Lily and Marlene on the edge of their seats, he sent them a quick salute, which was quickly reciprocated as he bent his knees to jump.
"You got this Lupin!" Benjy yelled from beneath the post, him and James ready to score in case the ball missed. Remus laughed as the whistle blew, jumping eagerly into the air and letting the ball fly over head.
The room filled with applause as the final whistle blew, the score boards changing from showing that final goal to displaying the team name in victory. Remus had barely landed by the time his team (subs included) were throwing themselves towards him, they cheered, rubbed at his curls viciously on his head and began chanting his name - which the crowd quickly picked up too.
It was all the victory they were going to get before they stumbled back towards the locker rooms, Remus having waved a sweet little goodbye to Evan in the process, who was scowling beside Barty and their forward guard, Lucius. The locker rooms were always far too loud after victories, chants of James' name as team captain flooded the room, quickly followed by Remus' in honour of his final goal. It was moments like these where he appreciated to unlimited extent his spot on the team and love for the support.
He sent a quick text to Marlene and Lily, he was going to shower swiftly before leaving for the party and that they could go ahead if they preferred, but they were pretty settled on the idea of waiting so he reacted to the message with a thumbs up and made a quick b-line for the shower block, change of clothes in hand and phone placed back into his duffel bag.
***
"You know," Lily began as the three of them wandered through the crowd outside of James Potter's apartment complex, Marlene leading the way towards their specific door. There were far more people than either one of them had anticipated, and by the looks of the mess on the grass outside, it seemed many had already started drinking too. "I think I'm regretting wanting to come tonight - this place seems really over crowded for a small flat."
"Nah," Marlene sighed, waving a hand in disagreement. "Most people come for the first hour for free booze and then it's just the rest of the team left."
Remus nodded, feeling a little better as they journeyed to the fifth floor, where James had instructed him to go an hour prior, in the locked rooms. He definitely didn't want to stay for long if it was going to be too cramped inside, though it looked like most people were leaving now as they passed them on the stairwell. Like planned, he was only going to show his face, maybe have a drink or two and then leave - something to ease the ache in his joints after a well played game.
"Just how many times have you been to these things?" Said Lily as they pushed through what seemed to be the final crowd, walking straight into the open door at the end of the hallway.
Marlene grinned, walking backwards and facing her friends with excitement. She reached over the bar stools in the open planned kitchen, grabbing two plastic cups like this was some high school party and handing them to the others before collecting her own. Wiggling her eyebrows she said, "every one of them. But not for the team, Sirius hates basketball talk - so I come in moral support. Speaking of which, shall we go find James?"
Remus groaned, taking a sip of his drink before pursing his lips and looking into the cup. It was clear, a strong scent of vodka going straight through his nostrils as he sniffed at it. "Who's Sirius?"
"James' roommate," surprisingly, it was Lily who answered that question - a similar expression towards her drink.
"Brother," Marlene sang, ticking off a finger on her left ring-covered hand before continuing the motion, "best-friend, roommate, love of his life etcetera."
"James' gay?" Remus pondered, following Marlene's lead towards the main room of the flat, where he noticed James sitting on the arm of a chair, wide grin on his face as he spoke to the person tucked under his arm. Remus' stomach swooped as the got closer, noticing it was the same person from the game, dark hair tied back into a loose ponytail, curled strands framing his face almost elegantly.
Lily smacked his arm from the side, and if she had noticed Remus' staring she didn't say anymore on the matter, instead letting Marlene answer his question. "He's pansexual, I think. But not what I meant, they're not dating they're just really close. Soulmates, Sirius would say, platonically of course."
Remus made a noise of understanding, nodding his head before taking another sip as Marlene rounded the couch, throwing herself beside the boy she claimed to know so well. He smiled in response, throwing an arm over her shoulder before whispering something into his ear.
"Remus!" Was what was bellowed next, over the volume of the music filtering throughout the open apartment, people still stumbling in and out of the door. There was a group of familiar looking people by the kitchens island and he soon realised it was Gideon and Fabian next to a shorter woman, who seemed to share very noticeable features, and it was in that moment that Remus remembered they had a younger sister. Then, by the open door of the secluded balcony, there was a group of people he recognised from a biology project he had had the pleasure of eavesdropping in on in the library, immediately finding recognition in the faces of Emmeline Vance and Amelia Bones, and if he squinted hard enough he was able to make out the shape of Amos Diggory's head from behind.
Suddenly, by his side, and clinging to the muscle of his bicep was none other than James Potter, smiling ferociously at him as he looked Remus up and down, almost as if not wanting to be over-excited about his presence. He pulled him closer towards the group, ignoring the movement of Lily from beside them as she sat herself next to Marlene. Until he eventually turned, in intention of presumably addressing the group around them, and caught sight of her smiling from the couch. Remus heard the quiet sigh emitted from between parted lips, risking a sideways glance at him and finding great entertainment in the pink tinge of his cheeks that definitely wasn't there moments prior. He smiled into his cup before taking another sip.
As if remembering his task he cleared his throat, patting energetically onto Remus' shoulder in attempts to jostle him slightly, "this is Remus." And Remus smiled purely up at him in attempts to avoid any eye-contact with the others, cheeks of his own growing slightly pink in the introduction. "Remus, this is Peter - we call him Pete."
"Or Wormtail," the boy mumbled, shaking his head disapprovingly before plastering a welcome smile and waving in Remus' direction, introducing himself with a small "hi."
Despite his dire need to ask further about the nickname, feeling very curious regarding it's origin, he smiled back before being turned another way, now facing the couch. Rather than looking directly at the person he was to be introduced to next her looked down at his feet, a simple smile lingering between the two as he avoided the mans intrigued gaze, feeling his eyes burn holes into his skin. "This is Sirius, Sirius this is Remus."
"So I've heard," Remus said, risking a glance up at the boy - who had a similar look of amusement on his own parted lips, the remains of a breathless sigh sitting between them. "Your soulmate right?" He turned to James, "love of your life?"
James blushed more viciously at that, sending a quick glance towards Lily who - if she caught on - ignored, instead throwing a wave over Marlene's reclined frame, "hey, I'm Lily."
"Just to be clear," Peter announced, suddenly feeling more energetic. "Sirius and James aren't actually together," and then he seemed to double take at his own question, he bit down on his lip hesitantly, looking between the pair before asking, "right?"
Remus' attention was stolen quite quickly as a laugh sounded from his right, he looked over, watching Sirius throw his head back - a grin so wide on his face that Remus found himself smiling along with him. The pale skin of his neck on show as his Adam's apple bobbed with the movement, the loose collared band shirt exposing the dip of his collarbone. Remus licked his lips, avoiding Lily's weary gaze as he listened in to James from beside him.
"No," the boy was shaking his head, a shared look of amusement on his own face. "Me and Pads are not a thing, that'd be like incest or some shit."
"Not like my family would care," Sirius said under his breath, taking a quick sip of his drink, from his own plastic cup before turning back to Lily. "We actually have heard a lot about you, some more willingly then others," and Remus didn't miss the gritting of teeth and look he sent to his supposed soulmate from over his shoulder. "How are you?"
Lily smiled kindly, a smile Remus recognised she used a lot during a strangers company - though she seemed perfectly comfortable at Marlene's side. "We're good, just a little tired but it's nice to finally be able to drag this one to a party for once," she smirked, sending a glare in Remus' direction.
James patted his back once more, sinking into the crimson bean bag that seemed to appear beneath his feet. He slapped the side of the one beside his own, gesturing for Remus to follow suit. Which he did, ignoring the pain in his knee after a long day, continuing Lily's comment with a, "people aren't my thing."
"Yeah, see you say that," James argued, throwing him a studious glare. "But you don't seem to have a problem interacting on the court, especially that Rosier kid. What's going on with you two?"
Suddenly, making the first audible noise of the night, Marlene burst into a fit of laughter from the couch followed by the aggressive wipe of her eyes. "Evan Rosier and Remus Lupin?" She gagged, waving a hand in the air in amusement. "Isn't Rosier with that Crouch kid?"
Sirius looked up from her side, and Remus definitely wasn't watching - no, it was entirely because of the way Marlene laughed boisterously from beside him. There was a knot in his brow as he looked between the group, clearly wanting more information, though if he did have a request he kept it hidden behind bitten lips.
"I thought that too," Peter added, messing with the hem of his denim jacket where it seemed to tear under the pocket. "Is he not? Are you and him together Remus?"
Remus couldn't help the smile that took over his features, shaking his head at the assumption as he looked into the depths of his plastic cup. "We're not together, he's just a flirt."
"Only because you flirt back with him," Lily suggested, tilting her head to the side.
He shrugged at that, not missing the intense glare he was receiving from the couch. "Yeah, well. It riles him up doesn't it? A win is a win."
"So what you're saying is you play dirty," Sirius voiced, leaning forwards in his seat - Remus caught a glimpse of inked skin from where his sleeves were rolled up, mouth going dry as he studied the lines. It was far too dark in the room to make out what any of them were, though he swore he caught a glimpse of 'God is a no show' across the bend of his elbow, accompanied by the blue fluorescent of the LED lights surrounding the higher corner of the walls.
"A win is a win," James agreed, nodding his head. Ignoring the current staring contest between him, Sirius' eyes were unwavering as Remus studied the sharpness of his jaw, letting his own move delicately across the boys face as if studying his features. His eyes only looking away when Sirius ran a tongue across his teeth. "Remus is our best player when it comes to that sort of stuff, did you not see him today?"
"He's your best player full stop," Marlene added, throwing the rest of her drink back with one big mouthful.
"You've been to one game," Remus argued, not wanting any higher praise from his friends. He was good, sure, but he wasn't the best. "You don't know anything."
"No," Sirius cut in sharply, stealing everyone's attention. He seemed to realise this shortly afterwards, clearing his through before he reared the volume back in, "he's the best."
"Padfoot!" James exclaimed, jumping to his feet in shock as he pointed an accusing finger towards the boy. "How could you betray me like that?"
"You're right," he sighed deeply, standing from his seat on the couch and patting the pocket of his jeans before reaching for a leather jacket that hung limp on the back of the couch. "I should not have attacked your fragile ego like that, it wasn't very nice," he paused to adjust the jacket over his frame, "I'll be back in a minute," and then he was gone.
Walking past the Emmeline Vance, stopping to give her a quick hug on the way, and out onto the balcony before James gasped at his half-arsed apology. Remus shook his head with a grin, finishing his drink before standing alongside Marlene to get another. They excused themselves from the group for a while, Lily willingly travelling around the apartment with ease, speaking to people as if she had known them for years.
Marlene had just about convinced Remus to take a shot with her when three other people sat around the island, a stool for all five of them. He had just shot back the drink, cringing as it burned all the way down his throat before looking over his shoulder. Peter had come up beside him, a warm smile on his heated face - the alcohol clearing colouring his complexion, the same for James from across the bar, though it was harder to point out on his darker skin. Sirius was there too, on the other side of Marlene, facing Remus and Peter, his hair had long been out of it's tie, now falling wavy around his face - it was light enough, under the lamps hanging from the ceiling, for Remus to see the colour of his eyes now, so he stared intently, his head to light to think of any consequences.
They were grey, not blue. And it reminded him oddly of the sky back home during the Welsh rainfall, or maybe it was the discoloured water along the beach, whatever it was - it felt oddly homely. Though, his gaze shifted when those grey eyes met his brown. He swallowed down the lump that had risen in his throat, feet crossing at his ankles.
"You know," Marlene said, interrupting James right as he opened his mouth to speak. She was gripping the seat of the stool, leaning back heavily - and she would've fell backwards at some point if it wasn't for Sirius' cautious arm he had risen behind her, not quite touching but also close enough in case she may have needed to be caught. She slammed forward, forearms resting on the granite surface. "I would like to know where these weird nicknames came from. Are you all furries?"
Peter choked on his drink then, and Remus huffed out a laugh as he pat the boys back lightly. James' mouth had dropped open at the accusation and Sirius was practically glowing, a wide smile on his face. "I've told you this story Marls." And it must have been something about the nickname, showing Remus the bond these two surely had, that warmed his heart slightly. Something about one of his closest friends being so trusting of someone he'd just met.
"And we're not telling it again!" Peter squeaked, thanking Remus with a nod of his head as he seemed to have collected himself. "I'm never going to live it down, we don't need to share it with the whole world all over again."
"Well, lucky for you," Remus quipped, reaching across the bar for another drink. "I'm not the whole world," and he rested his chin onto his hands, looking around the whole table - maybe lingering on one particular person without realising as he continued, "and I am quite curious."
Sirius' grin subsided minutely, instead he replaced it with something warm, his eyes searching the entirety of Remus' face as James cleared his throat. He didn't want to look away, too caught up in what seemed to be their second staring contest of the night. But James was actually talking now, and it would be rude to blatantly ignore him.
"It was in high school," James clarified as Remus swivelled on his seat to face him - debating whether he should be surprised at the amount of time they all seemed to have known each other. "Sirius here didn't even know the basic concept of nicknames so, because of that, we all decided we should come up for one for each of us."
"Oh oh," Marlene interrupted, a childlike excitement on her face as she pointed across the bar towards Peter, "do Pete's first. Wormtail is very intriguing."
"Oh for fuck sake, no," the boy in question whined, hands finding his face in attempt to hide from the people surrounding him. Remus smiled across the way, pushing the boys drink further towards him who took it immediately, a grateful look on his face from over the rim of the red cup.
"Wormtails was the first one actually," Sirius said, a great grin on his face - that Remus couldn't seem to pull his eyes away from - as he rested his chin onto the back of his hands in the same manner as Remus himself had done moments before. "It was random, admittedly. We were like, what, thirteen maybe and James was yelling at some guy in the courtyard of our boarding school and he had gotten so angry -"
"You guys went to boarding school?" Remus found himself asking, not actually meaning to interrupt the story.
Marlene shot him an annoying look, narrowing her eyes before saying, "yes. Keep up Lu," and she wiggled her eyebrows and Remus groaned at the reoccurring theme of nickname usages. He shook his head, reaching for his drink before mumbling an apology into his cup.
"Anyway," James continued, "the guy got pissed, like so bad. He stormed past us and everything, nocking poor Petey here onto his arse in some puddle."
"Eurgh," Peter said in complaint, shaking his head with a disturbed look. "Yes and I landed on a worm and it just stuck. Okay? Yep that's my embarrassing story," he said all in one breath, and then surprising everyone by downing his drink in one. Remus felt oddly proud, if it wasn't for his laughter at the names origin he may have voiced it.
"Okay, take the fun out of the story why don't you," Sirius complained, shaking his head at the boy whilst his finger was gliding smoothly across the surface of his own drink, Remus looked over undetected, tilting his head as he surveyed the silver rings that accompanied his slim fingers. There were two on his index, one thick band on his thumb and a smaller, what seemed to be decorated with some sort of vines, on his pinky whilst a thicker band, with a circle directly in the middle lay on his middle - and curtesy of the finger, the words 'FUCK' were spelt out onto the flat surface. As he picked up his drink with both hands, bringing it to his lips, Remus caught sight of more on the other - this arm decorated with all kinds of beaded bracelets as well.
Before he knew it, as James ranted off about his own nickname, Remus was fully taking in the boys entire appearance, his lightness from his previous drinks probably contributing to his careless decision. There was just something about Sirius, it made him want to look and never stop, to take in everything he could and memorise it to a T in case he never got the chance to again, after tonight.
There was more jewellery around his neck, three necklaces keeping one another company. The tightest one, or the one that sat closer to his Adam's apple compared to the rest, displayed a silver cross, purposely hanging from it's side rather than up right - or, at least, Remus presumed that was on purpose. Beneath that one was a smaller chain, a star symbol directly in the middle, the letter 'R' sitting inside of it - and then, finally, the longest of the trio was a beaded chain, black, grey and brown mixing together as it danced atop his collarbones.
And as Remus took in his attire, properly, noticing the familiarity of the band shirt he was wearing - considering it was sporting Zeppelin, which happened to be one of his favourites also, he spotted the silver of piercings peaking out from beneath the darkness of his hair, and that was only because he had lifted a hand to push one side behind his ear. They went from the very bottom, where Remus himself had a singular stud, to the curve of the top of his earlobe, some hanging and swaying in the motion of his movement, others shining still. Some were stars, which seemed now to be a common appearance, it being a given really considering the guys name. Though there was one that hung low, sitting on the same level as the end of Sirius' chin, displaying another cross - this was wasn't purposely on it's side however.
He moved is gaze towards the boys eyes, in attempts to admire the boys eye make-up, smudged liner and dark shadows, when he realised Sirius was staring right back, almost as intensely. He dropped his gaze almost immediately, feeling his face flush as he was caught, and turning back to James who seemed to be finishing his story. Remus bit down hard on his lip, wondering how long Sirius had been staring right back - and he could see, as he risked a side glance towards the boy again, that he hadn't quite looked away just yet.
"So, yeah," James finished with a clap of his hands. "If any of you find yourselves dancing around your kitchen in the dark with cutlery, don't go stealing my impeccable nickname."
"Your nickname's shit mate," Sirius voiced, and Remus couldn't help the involuntary snap of his head as he turned to face him once more, quickly looking down towards where his own hands rested on the table when he realised Sirius was still looking right at him. "You got it because you forgot the name of a fork, a fork. I mean, c'mon."
James pursed his lips, slipping his golden-rimmed glassed back up nose as he stared intently at his best friend, which seemed to be the only thing that got him to stop piercing holes into Remus' skin. "Shall we tell them how you got yours Padfoot?"
Sirius groaned then, dropping his head into his hands before pushing back his hair and sitting straighter again, strands falling back to the front of his face almost in slow motion. "Fine," he bit, pointing an accusing finger around the table, "no laughing."
"Oh this is perfect," Peter voiced, Marlene seeming to agree by the looks of the grin on her face. And Remus wondered if she may have already been told this story before.
"Well, really it was-" James began, though he was immediately cut off by Sirius himself, who seemed to want the story out of the way quickly.
So, due to that need, he said all in one breath "I-was-drunk-and-our-friend-Alice-convinced-me-to-put-these-things-on-my-feet-because-they-were-cold-and-I-mentioned-wanting-slippers."
Marlene, who seemed to have understood the story perfectly well, leading to more reason for Remus to believe she already knew, burst out laughing, slapping a hand down onto the table as she did so. The noise, however, alerted Lily from by the balcony door, and Remus watched as she parted ways from the Prewett siblings and wandered over with an amused smile and strange glint to her eyes. "What's going on?"
Peter snickered from beneath his drink, James was sending an amused grin towards Sirius who had gone back to staring at the table top in avoidance of anyone else around him. Lily, smile still on her face, leaned against Remus' frame and pressed a kiss to his cheek. James, however, was the one to fill her in with, "Sirius is telling us the story of his nickname."
She looked around confused at that, sending an awaiting look Remus' way - who just shrugged in response before Pete spoke up from her other side. "The dick is called Padfoot because he got about our common room in our boarding school with sanitary pads glued to his feet."
And Remus, who suddenly understood Marlene's amusement, had to hide a laugh behind his palm at that - because now it all made a little more sense. Lily, who was also going through the same realisation, blurted out a surprised laugh as well. "Right," Remus exhaled shakily, "that ones the best, surely."
"Well it definitely isn't Prongs," Marlene hollered which sent everyone at the table off again. For the first time, in what seemed to be forever, Remus couldn't help but grin at the company around him, finding great thanks in the fact he had actually bothered to show up to this particular party rather than avoid it as he usually would.
Later that night, when he and Lily had stumbled home half way drunk and collapsed into their own respective beds, Remus dreamt of hanging crosses and a nights sky filled to the brim with stars.
Notes:
You see, to me, I absolutely adore Lily and Remus' friendship in this fandom - I really do. But I really really enjoy Marlene and Remus' too - I dunno, I am just drawn to it. And I couldn't decide whether I wanted Remus' best friend to be Lily or Marlene - so I settled on both. DONT WORRY I am still including a Marlene and Sirius friendship in this fic too, so don't think I'm taking that away ha.
REMUS JOHN LUPIN PUNCHING SNAPE IN THE FACE????? OKAY MISS GIRL
Chapter 2: Inside Information!
Summary:
Remus has a break through?
Notes:
Okay, I wrote chapter one like a week ago so my plan to like..get out of my slump didn't work. But we try again! I have a problem, however, and that is that I have THE chapter already written in my head so now I have to try my hardest not to rush it...this isn't a slowburn by any means but slowburns are gonna be the death of me.
Texting begins in this chapter, but hey - this isn't a texting fic so it doesn't take over. Keep that in mind. It will be present throughout the fic but isn't it's main setting :)
Want to disclaim really quick that there is brief mention of the death of a parent, and abuse in response to a character coming out in this chapter. It's mentioned quickly, as an insight to a characters past, but I still think I should warn you guys :)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
An away game, in Remus' opinion, either goes incredibly well - or down right awful. And, to his surprise, the first away game of the season was neither. The team lost, and in all fairness it was nowhere near his fault, he tried his best, as did the rest of the team of course. Hooch just shouldn't have been adamant on changing up the team, which caused their loss - or, at least that's what James is insisting on. The team can't help but agree. The game wasn't awful though either... the opposing team played quite well, which is something that rarely happens and the competition that rose from it was fun, exciting. So, really, he wasn't complaining.
James Potter was.
"I just can't believe she changed it up," he breathed against the coaches window, fogging up the glass. They were all currently tucked away towards the back of the bus, drifting in and out of sleep on their early morning ride home. Remus just so happened to be stuck beside a mourning captain. "Like, don't get me wrong" he continued, "I get she wants to see how we all play with each other. But me and you are the best to pair on the court, and she didn't even let us in the same quarters."
"It's only our second game," Remus responded in attempts to lighten the mood. James never took losing to heart, but he had expressed his discomfort regarding Remus' constant benching, so maybe that's why his usual cheerful persona had been disregarded. "We have plenty more games to win, no good dwelling."
The boy just shrugged in response, pushing his golden framed glasses back up his nose before searching his bag for his cell. "You know," he said, as he dug into the side pocket and retrieved his phone, sliding to a previous set of messages and responding. "Team might still be up for a party."
Remus turned his head, watching as the boy besides him leant his back to the window, wiggled his eyebrows and tilted his head. Narrowing his eyes, Remus bit down on the inside of his lip in thought. "I suppose they might," was what he said.
"And hypothetically," he continued, typing out another message. "If someone I knew wanted to know whether you'd attend this party - what would your answer be?"
That took him back slightly, considering this a moment. Who would ask, other than anyone on the team, if he'd be at the party? He looked down at the boys phone, and then to the window in search of the screens reflection. Upon the failed attempt of catching a glimpse at the contact name he asked, "who?"
"Nuh uh uh!" James tutted, waving a finger in front of his face. "It's all very hypothetically, so would you?"
"I don't know," Remus was the one shrugging this time, stretching out his stiff legs from the ride. They should be back soon, how long had it been now? "The party last time was fun and all but it's still not really my scene."
"How about a little get together then?" James asked, completely oblivious to the shocked expression on the formers face as he typed away at his phone. Looking up with a smile, he tilted his head, "not good? good? It doesn't have to be a lot of people, just me you, Sirius and Pete probably and then you can bring Marls and Lily?"
"What about the team?" Remus wondered aloud, looking at the seats behind him where Caradoc and Benjy were currently sleeping, Benjy's head tucked onto the shoulder beside him. "Don't you throw a party for them all after every game regardless if we win or not."
"Ah, so you do pay attention!" James said, a little too loudly, pointing and accusing finger. A message came through on his phone, and with his finger still in the air, he replied one handed - tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth in concentration. "Anyway," he voiced after responding. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to, and if you'd feel more comfortable with a party rather than a small gathering we can totally do that. Or, I suppose, if you don't want to come at all you don't have to."
He thought for a second, looking down the isle of the bus as he internally planned the night. He wouldn't really mind attending another party, but he did like the idea of just a small gathering. In hindsight, though, it made no sense. Remus wasn't friends with James or his friends off of the court, so why was he being involved in their little celebration, and to bring his friends - oh, oh Lily!
Smiling, he turned back to James, "are you just offering this so you can get closer to Lily?"
James blushed, followed by a small huff of disbelief. "I'll be completely honest with you Lupin," he said, pressing a firm hand to the boys shoulder. "She's beautiful and she seems very kind, sure I wouldn't mind spending more time with her. But that hadn't even crossed my mind before you put the idea in my head!"
"I'll think about it," he settled, after moments of silence. "Now who are you messaging?"
"Well, that I can't tell you!" James challenged, a mischievous look on his face, "it'll give away my hypothetical."
"See! It wasn't even hypothetical," Remus said, reaching for the phone in the others hand. "C'mon James, who's asking about me!"
"Nobody, nobody!" James laughed, holding his hand far too far for Remus to reach. He looked up at the boy, staring dead straight into his eyes before wiggling his brows again, "say, Lupin, do you like men?"
"Who is asking you all these questions?!" Remus all but yelled, making a final reach for the phone before failing and giving up. He, with a false pout, leaned back into his chair.
"Just answer them!" Laughed James in response, leaning over his shoulder and watching as Remus idly scrolled through his instagram feed. "Oh wait," he announced loudly, causing a stir behind them. Lowering his voice, he brought his phone towards the other, "let me add you to a group chat - we can play twenty questions to get us through the drive."
Remus, shocked, looked up and across at the boy as he fumbled making a group chat - "you're so weird Potter."
"Yeah, yeah," he waved a dismissive hand. "Just check your messages."
"How'd you even get my number?"
"Lily gave it me at the party."
"That was like, what? Three weeks ago!"
"Groupchat, Lupin!"
***
[ Basketball + emo's ]
***-*
emo's is uncalled for
**_**
you're an emo???
I don't see how it's not relevant
***_*
at least im not a sports freak :rolleyes
**_**
we're playing twenty questions
***_*
yes, please explain why you've made a groupchat
for me and you and...
who have you added?
Remus
you say "added" as if this group chat wasn't made five seconds ago
***_*
oh no, it was
i'm concerned is all, care to fill me in?
**_**
we're playing twenty questions!
Remus
yes, but why?
**_**
i am NO middle man Remus Lupin
so ... groupchat!
***_*
JAMES!
Remus
nobody said u were a middle man?
what is that even supposed to mean
**_**
NOTHING
anyWAY
Remus this is Sirius, from the party
you remember right?
Remus
of course I do?
hello Sirius
Sirius
hello!
James
perfect, now that's all settled
you're both acquainted
twenty questions!
Remus
what are we, twelve?
James
remus, first question!
blonde or dark hair?
Sirius
:eyeroll
Remus
on myself or?
James
no like, your type?
Remus
erm, i've never thought about it
looking back i dont think i've ever dated a blonde
Sirius
isn't rosier blonde?
Remus
yeah but i've never dated rosier
he just flirts with me
Sirius
ahhh, ok
James
NEXT QUESTION
Sirius!
Sirius
oh boy
James
well
this is hard
i already know everything about you
Remus
sunsets or sunrises?
Sirius
oh oh!
hmm
sunrises are pretty n all
but i cherish my sleep
sunsets!
Remus
valid
James
gay ass question tbh
Remus
yikes james
are you.....
....a homophobe :eyes
James
excuse u
i'm literally gay :hearteyes
Sirius
you're pansexual jamie xx
James
same thing
Remus
are you sure?
James
i think a next question is in order
Sirius
projecting i see
James
shut ur gay ass
Sirius
well
i wont argue with you there :smirk
Remus
please, for the sake of my sanity
let's move on!!!
Sirius
jamie are we sure he isn't the homophobe
James
can't be sure there pads
he certainly seems like he wants to move away from the conversation topic!
Sirius
be still my beating heart, we've encountered one of ... them :stars
James
yes it seems we have ... :eyes
Remus
i'm right here you know
Sirius
shit! he's caught on
quick, distraction!
James
tits or ass!?
Sirius
JAMES??!!?!?!?!?!
Remus
christ, how long till we get back to campus
James
like an hour i think
Sirius
ugh does this mean i have to clean
James
Sirius i swear to GOD!!
if you've messed up the apartment once again im putting hair remover in ur shampoo
Sirius
NOOO
NOT THE HAIR PLS
ITS THE MOST SACRED THING I HAVE
THE ONLY THING I HAVE
Remus
his hair is pretty...
neat?
James
you could just say pretty loops
Remus
right has marlene got you on board with this nickname stuff???
and yeah, pretty
James
FHAJFHA
what nickname stuff??
Remus
Marlene and Lily are trying to come up with a nickname for me
James
oh well, why didn't you say anything!
this is our speciality!!!
Sirius
yes yes, nicknames!
wait let me add Pete!
[ Sirius added *_*** to basketball + emo's ]
[ Sirius changed basketball + emo's to basketball + emo's + rats ]
Remus
well that's kind of you
Sirius
he is a rat!
*_***
what even is this?
James
Pete! Wormtail! best friend!
Sirius
ouch
James
you remember Remus right?
we need to come up with a nickname for him, help us out!
Remus
:rollseyes
Peter
well do you have any embarrassing stories?
like ours
Sirius
ah yes, the sitting on a worm
the fork mishap in the kitchen
Remus
you left the best one
Sirius
i did no such thing, loops
Remus
ffs
and no, not that im aware of
no embarrassing stories
James
oh, come on! you have to have one (1)
Remus
no...i don't have any
Peter
assignment of the week!
come up with a nickname for our one and only/
Remus [middle name] Lupin!
James
ah ha!
that's it, what's your middle name?
Remus
not gonna happen
Sirius
why not, wolfy?
Remus
oh ha ha
you'll have to play better than that, padfoot
you're not the first to link those two im afraid
Sirius
so your middle name HAS to be something wolf related
right?
James
I guess that would make sense
Remus
nope ;p
Peter
is it john?
Remus
what the fuck :shocked
James
no pete that's stupid
Sirius
fr, it's gotta be related to mythology
Peter
:eyes
Remus
:eyes
Sirius
oh my god
is it john???!!!!
no way
James
how in the world did you know that pete?????
Peter
inside information!
Remus
great, befriended two homophobes and a stalker
Sirius
hey!
james is the homophobe!
i'm as straight as a circle!
Peter
so is remus :wink
Remus
wtf pete :shocked
James
keeping any more secrets, wormtail?
Peter
*clears throat
Remus John Lupin
bisexual, twenty-one year old basket ball player
also studies english lit n classics
instagram is private but is full of dark academia
loves chocolate, but despises white chocolate
lives with Lily off campus
orders any sort of coffee with OAT milk, not normal (is it called normal?? idfk)
and... that's it
James
:eyes
Sirius
:eyes
Remus
i'm genuinely concerned
what the fuck peter
Peter
this is the part where I say i'm friends with barty and evan...right?
Remus
THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER
HOW TF DO THEY KNOW ALL THIS STUFF???
Peter
people are crazy when they're in love
Sirius
in love????
James
????
Peter
evan actually used to fancy Remus
he doesn't anymore, mind. but he did
Remus
so he stalked me???? wtf
Sirius
remus doesn't like blondes
James
:eyes
Peter
:eyes
Remus
right, well
let me just block evan on everything
James
WAIT
i wanna follow ur insta?????
what is it
Sirius
yeah drop the link!
Remus
good night guys!! :smile
Peter
night!
James
pete....
Sirius
wormy mate
Peter
hmm??
Sirius
:rollseyes
James
it's literally 11am
Peter
oh..
afternoon remus!
***
When Remus, and the rest of the team, finally pulled into the gym's carpark, stiff joints and tired eyes, he made a quick escape after their short meeting in the changing rooms and fled immediately for his flat, a twenty minute walk away. Clinging desperately to his gym bag that hung heavily over his sore shoulder, and gripping at the end of his jumpers sleeves to trap the warmth it provided in the cold September air, he disregarded his -now- dead phone in his jeans pocket. October was right around the corner, nearing closer to unaware students who still challenged the temperature in loose clothing, or revealing outfits.
Despite his constant knack for sticking to schedules, planning out his entire day beforehand and his overall avoidance of anything and everything spontaneous, Remus should have learned a long time ago that unpredicted things were just bound to happen every now and then, and yet - it still took him by surprise each time they did. Because, really, what was he supposed to do when caught in headlights? Something occurring that he had no prior notice for, he couldn't plan his actions or even his words, or what it may be in general that is taking place. There was no way at all to avoid this.
And each time, he was taken aback with slight shock at the lack of scheduling, at his own lack of knowledge. It started, today however, because Lily Evans, sweet, kind, Lily Evans was not supposed to be curled up in the corner of their shared couch in the living room, crying when he finally did manage to make it home.
His things were disregarded instantly, and his legs seemed to be working for him as he raced through the small open-planned kitchen, straight towards the furniture and dropping to his knee's in front of his best friend. Her eyes were red and face splotchy as tears tracked down her pale face, her hair had been visibly messed up by the stress of her own hands and she was shaking slightly as she stared down at the turned off cell on the arm of the couch.
Eyebrows pulling together in confusion, he reached for her hands - gathering the girls attention slowly, carefully. "What happened, Lil's?"
Remus Lupin had only ever seen Lily cry occasionally, maybe not even enough to count on one hand. She just didn't, and he had accepted that a long time ago. When his mother died, and he was a complete mess in his childhood bedroom, arguing with his drunk of a father, Lily had come round shortly after, whispering into his ear and clinging to him as if their lives depended on it. She cried then, that was the first time he had ever seen it - and twelve year old Remus was not aware that that would be one of the only times his friend would shed tears.
Then once again, years later, when Marlene had appeared at her door after being missing for weeks during college. It was pure luck that Remus happened to be staying for the weekend and her parents were away for a small holiday - Lily's sister, by this point, was already away at university. They had been worried sick because of their friends disappearance, Marlene had apologised profusely before breaking down on the small rug in the living room. She had cried into Lily's shoulder, retelling the story of her coming out to her father and him taking it...well, not very well. There were bruises to show for that. Lily cried with Marlene then too.
After that, Lily hadn't actually cried until the three of them went away for university, it wasn't until half way through their first year, when Remus had had a nasty run in with Severus, from the friends' youth, and told Lily about it that night that she shed a tear. Remus presumed it was because of what happened between them when they were younger, maybe she had remembered Remus punching him, or the awful slur he had spat at them, but she cried then - and Remus didn't mention it. And that was the last time he had seen her cry.
Until now.
It was not something he'd had expected on the bus ride home, and he almost felt guilty for having fun - a laugh, with the random group chat he had been added too. Though he quickly pushed that away, this wasn't about him, and Lily always wanted him to speak to more people anyway so she'd most likely curse him out if she knew what he was thinking.
Lily didn't speak, wasn't really paying him that much mind either. She just stared, solemnly down at her phone shaking her head back and forth. He let go of her hands, rose to his feet, and swiftly made his way into the kitchen, boiling the kettle and preparing two cups of tea. He didn't always know how to comfort his friends. Marlene was always more predictable, and sometimes you could just tell what was bugging her - but Lily, she was different. She never showed emotion in front of anyone, only when she couldn't hold it in anymore, so really, Remus had never had to comfort her before, because she didn't let him. That didn't mean, though, that he was grateful for that.
He poured water into their respective mugs, watching his tea - peppermint - change to an orange-y colour whilst hers - cherry - turned a thick pink, nearing purple. Lily was a strong girl, despite what many medias or individuals told her, and she was very capable at doing thing by herself, something she struggled with was believing that needing help wasn't a sign of weakness. All her life she had been told that she wasn't able to do things herself, that she'd always be the helper rather than the doer and it stuck with her - he couldn't blame her for that. Distinguishing weakness and strengths was difficult to anybody who cared enough to learn the difference, and Lily hadn't chosen to learn it, rather she had been forced to live it, so with that came the struggle behind accepting help. She'd much rather go through things alone, and Remus wasn't about to just let her shut everyone out.
No, she deserved much, much more.
Returning to the living room, two steaming mugs in hand, he crouched down in front of her again setting the tea onto the table top and placing a warm palm on her knee. "Hey," he whispered, watching as she seemed to realise he was there. She drew herself back, wiping furiously at her face and pulling her hair behind her ears - she opened her mouth to speak, but Remus shook his head, talking first. "You don't have to tell me a single thing," he promised, looking up at her with such sincerity. "But I'm here for you Lils, tell me what you need and I'll do whatever, okay?"
"It's-," she began, then quickly swallowed down her words. He watched her face morph, several expressions following rapidly after one another, he remained patient as her internal battle wore on, not trying to pry into something she'd rather keep to herself. She sighed, a defeated expression on her face as she whispered, "it's Pet. She's getting married."
Turns out, Petunia Evans was getting married to her high school sweetheart: Vernon Dursley. A right handful of a man, with no neck and ugly blonde hair, he had the attitude of a bigot and the actions of worse. Remus never liked him, and that feeling was obviously reciprocated, after hefty arguments between the two on behalf of Lily and her identity. He'd corrupted Lily's sister, in more ways than one, yet she remained still in her decision, said she was happy with him.
Remus had to watch Lily battle with her sister, complain, mope, and overall love. It was a hard thing to disagree to such extent between siblings, because at the end of the day that is what they were and they'd always carry love for one another, however in different ways. Lily never gave up, and she was never going to, on Petunia, because that's the kind of person she was, refusing to be pushed away despite the hurtful words that were thrown at her by her sisters tongue. She loved, and she cared, and she always would.
Petunia didn't. She hated, she despised, and she fought - tooth and nail to rid Lily from her life. Some would call it jealousy, some would refer to it as usual sister banter. Whatever it was, whatever Petunia and Lily wanted it to be, it would always remain between them. And Remus, who didn't have any siblings, less you count Lily as such, would never tell her how she should go about these situations. He'd listen, and he'd advise to the best of his abilities, but he'd never dictate.
So, he let Lily explain.
Petunia was to get married in the upcoming spring, in Manchester - Vernon's home town, and their parents were letting her, despite their dislike of the man. Then, she wanted a child - and nobody dared argue with her against it. Vernon had inherited his fathers business, and he was taking Petunia with to Plymouth as a house-wife. Again, despite the century, but Petunia did not argue, claimed she wanted this. Lily had tried, over and over, to persuade her sister not to go through with it, reminding her of her own intelligence and the future she could claim her own. But the elder Evans would have no say in it, and in fact had completely cut contact with her since then.
It was her mother who had rang hours before Remus returned home. Explaining the details, where the venue was and the time it was to take place. She pleaded with her youngest, wanted her to come when the time occurred, but had also expressed how against the idea Petunia was. Lily knew if she went it would be the last of seeing, or even hearing, from her sister - that this would be the thing that cut all ties, and because of that she was consumed with the guilt of actually wanting to attend.
It wasn't simple, no - it was far from it.
Lily could go, celebrate with her sister, and try to make amends - but fail. She could stand and watch her sister throw her life away, in what she claimed was love, and bare the consequences of never seeing her again because she had gone behind Petunia's back and made an appearance. Or, she could stay away, let it happen with no argument and possibly never see her again.
It had been three years, three painful years where Lily hadn't gotten so much as a text from her sister, and it wasn't going to start now - but there was still hope for it, in her eyes. And she could keep it that way, let Petunia come to her and not push it. Or she could go to the wedding and force conversation between the two, and inevitably suffer her sister officially removing her from her life.
Fight or flight came in many ways, in many shapes and sizes, colours and sounds. And Lily had been playing keeper to this instinct her entire life with her sister, and she was growing tired. She loved her and she missed her, and worse of all, she respected her. It was Petunia's call to make, and Lily couldn't change her mind.
So when, eventually, Lily had finished rotting in silence after filling Remus in and asked, "will you come to the wedding with me?" It was safe to say Remus was shocked at that response, at that request.
Nevertheless, he nodded, agreed to coming along - because he couldn't stop her, and he wouldn't try. This was on her, this was her own sibling mess that needed to be cleaned up. If she thought this was the right call, then so be it.
She cried again, cried for herself, and cried for her sister. Because, and she said as much, Lily was about to lose Petunia for good.
***
He woke up two hours before his alarm. The clock on his bedside table shone in the dimly lit room, five forty-five am - the sun had just begun it's rise, slipping in through the crack in his curtain, and his bones popped satisfyingly as he stretched them out. He was awake now, and once he had woken he wouldn't fall back into sleep again.
So, instead of attempting as such, he left his bed and padded to the shared bathroom, going about his morning routine before opening the door to Lily's room on the other side. He peered into the dark room, barely making out the rising and falling of Lily's sleeping frame before disappearing back into the room, splashing water on his face and leaving the apartment entirely.
He had changed into a simple grey joggers and t-shirt, keeping himself warm with the thin jacket that represented his basketball team and made his way towards campus, sticking in his earphones as he went. Days like these, where his mind dragged him to consciousness way before he was prepared for he'd commit to morning runs, though he well preferred the track outside of the gym compared to jogging around the estates that littered around the university.
And as he approached the red tar floor, behind the building where he'd practice four times a week, a small smile fought it's way onto his face at the lack of people surrounding him. He could run alone, in peace, with nothing but his earphones blaring his favourite playlist at a dangerous volume. Beginning his slow jog, which eventually turned into a full on sprint - he felt relieved in the ache of his joints, the lack of air in his lungs as he pushed and pushed and pushed.
He'd never really enjoyed running before University, a smokers lungs will do that to you, but - and despite the fact he kept up the habit - something about the solidarity of the early morning, where the breeze was just above what people considered to be cold, and the sun was on it's rise, slowly bringing light, he found himself safest on the track.
Remus was fast, and nothing could catch him here. Not his own mind, self-conscious doubt, not the pressure of winning a game, or the disregarded thoughts of his father and where he was now, not the lack in friends, or the concern of Lily and Marlene - or even the constant nagging from James Potter about meaningless parties. Here, here he was alone and he was running, and any pent up aggression, or anger, or even nerves, simply blew away with the wind, leaked from him in the form of sweat, and in he welcomed tranquillity, as he breathed new air.
He was an angry person, never in the form of aggression - because that he would run to rid himself of, or play basketball - but he was angry nonetheless. Anger built up throughout his youth, at his father and his coping, at his mother and her death, and Severus for belittling the smartest person he knew, and Petunia for ignoring her sisters existence, and at himself for being, himself.
Most of all himself.
Sometimes, Remus wished he could've done things differently. Maybe he'd still have his mum if he did, maybe he'd still have his dad. He wished he could have behaved differently as a child, been able to contain his temper, or control his anxieties. Maybe if he'd done that, or been more like Lily and had expression in ways in which he could dictate, he'd have been happier.
And, well, it wasn't that he wasn't happy. Because he was. He had his best friends, his sports, and his course. He was doing fine, he was fine. Maybe it made him selfish, or arrogant and ignorant, but he couldn't help but want more - and even then, maybe that's why he limited himself from so many things, from friends, from parties, from contentment. Because he knew it was selfish, and he didn't deserve it.
Want was a hard thing, in any recognition. You had to learn how to decipher wants and needs, you had to learn how to accomplish wants without hurting others, and you had to accomplish needs without hurting yourself. Life was all about letting yourself achieve things, all about bending meanings to encourage living and not relying on surviving. But, in that aspect at least, Remus was still learning.
Learning that it was okay to treat yourself to a pastry in the morning, because you were allowed nice things and there was no need for self-inflicted punishment.
Learning that it was okay to want to speak to certain people, or ignore blatant prejudice, for the sake of protecting yourself.
Learning that it was okay to have dreams and goals, things that were well within your reach and jumping for them.
Learning that some things you wanted, weren't what you needed and being okay with letting them go.
Learning that if you were different, you should embrace it rather than lock yourself in - because, in the end, that would only make you miserable.
Learning that everybody had opinions, that this world was just as much theirs as it was yours. Some would encourage and some would dismantle, and at the end of the day, the only way forward is decided by yourself, despite what others had to say on it.
Running taught him a lot, which direction to go, when to flee and when to stand his ground, how fast he could go, when he needed to slow down. And Remus was grateful for that, because sometimes he needed himself before he needed others, and he needed others to help him see himself. Running was something he needed himself, something he could control, but it was Lily who had taught him that maybe he needed running. And that's a metaphor, thank you very much, because we're not just talking about running here.
He was getting better at that, the past three weeks could tell him that much.
So, he looked around the track as he rounded the starting line for the fourth time, noticed the population increase and watched as the sun had risen higher. Settling on one final lap before he'd return home and shower before going to his lecture and completing his reading.
***
[ basketball + emo's + rats ]
Remus
whens this party then?
Notes:
James Potter our wingman!
I am an AVID "sirius is taller" hater, literally SHUTUP. jk, don't - but do, don't <3During the groupchat insights:
(texts between sirius and james)
sirius - "of course I do" whats that supposed to mean? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN PRONGS????
james - pads, mate. Keep it in your pants
sirius- u disgust me
james - ;)))
sirius - he's bi! he's bi! he's bi!
james - yes padfoot, i gathered
sirius - evan rosier hate club begins today
james - jfc
Remus has past, Lily has past, Marlene has past - that's basically what happens in this chapter ;)
Chapter 3: The Party
Summary:
Remus suffers weird stomach feelings and a lot of blushes
Notes:
Fucking fuck fuck! The amount of times I accidentally closed my ao3 tab whilst writing this is driving me insane! (for people who don't know, writing chapters on Ao3 doesn't automatically save, so this chapter was deleted like 3 times and I'm so annoyed UGH - I really need to write on docs rather than writing my chapters here and then transferring them to my doc, butttt it's so much prettier writing it here)
Chapter warnings
- More mention of Marlene's home life, not explicit but it's a bit unnerving.I also want to add that the banter between the group, for example about yk being gay and trauma n shit is purely based off of my own and friends jokes regarding our own trauma lmfao, and it isn't meant to be taken to heart so please don't!!
Wolfstar texting begins this chapter!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
By the end of the week, and a cancelled practice, Remus had officially psyched himself out of attending the party James was throwing that night. And despite the fact he had offered to only have a small gathering, which Remus had turned down and said he'd prefer a big thing - for god knows why - he was officially spiralling for a reason even he could not decipher.
Currently, in the haze of getting ready, he was stood rock still in the middle of his room, towel lying limp over his bare shoulders and grey joggers hugging his narrow waist as water droplets trickled down his torso from his previous shower. Clothes were thrown, disregarded, all across his laminate flooring in attempts to find a suitable outfit. Marlene and Lily were in the living room, blasting hozier into the apartment as they touched up each others makeup, and here he was, standing half naked panicking over what to wear because he was going to a party. His second, ever, party during his time at university.
It wasn't even that big of a deal, really. He'd shown his face to one and he was going to attend another. Maybe it was because James had said someone specifically had requested him, and he had no idea at all who that could've been, he wanted to make himself look nice for it. And the anonymity behind it all was only making it worse, because who the fuck was he even trying to impress?
A knock sounded at his door before it was pushed open, Lily falling through the threshold with her arms crossed, blatantly looking him up and down with an expression unreadable. "Why aren't you dressed yet?" She hissed, stepping closer and touching his hair, "and your hair is soaking!"
Pulling his bitten nailed fingers from his mouth he sighed, widening his eyes before gesturing to his wrecked wardrobe and letting out a noise of defeat. He shook his head before looking down at his feet, ashamed.
Lily, the saint, laughed at his suffering before grabbing his wrist and dragging him through the open door to the bathroom and sitting him on the side of the bath. She clicked on the hairdryer she had used earlier and began drying his hair, running her hands through it to add volume to his curls. He sat still, letting her mother him as he went over outfits in his head.
"This was your idea!" She yelled over the noise, walking across him to the other side of his head. "Why are you so stressed!?"
"James said someone was asking if I was going!" He yelled back, letting her pull at his hair when it wouldn't sit right. "I want to look nice!"
"Who?" She asked, quietly. And he didn't hear which resulted in her asking again, shouting it this time. "Who?!"
He shrugged, pinching the skin of his chest in a nervous gesture. "I don't know!"
She clicked the hair dryer off, running a final hand through his hair and deciding that was enough. She hummed, nodded, and then walked back into his room, he followed quickly, watching as she stood in front of his wardrobe - looking his available clothes up and down with a look so deep in thought he stepped back slightly.
Lily was wearing a small dress, emerald green - complimenting her eyes and attracting attention to the red of her hair. It clung at her curves, framing her body elegantly, and was paired with a thick pair of white converse, which made him smile. "You look nice," he complimented, a fan of the way she had curled her long hair.
If she had noticed, she didn't comment. Instead, she sighed in relief and dove forward, pulling out a pair of his favourite corduroy trousers - beige, and a white turtle-neck jumper, not quite thick enough for the cold air outside. She deposited the outfit into his hand before searching through his drawers as he changed, sceptical of what exactly she was searching for.
She returned with a black belt and his doc martins in hand, examining his outfit as he messed with the neck of his shirt. She stopped, watching him deep in thought yet again before tapping her chin with a finger. "Put the belt on," she commanded before turning her back again, this time heading to the hangers of the back of his door where he kept his jackets.
She pushed through the layers of them, going back to another before settling on the one of the end. A thick, dark brown, leather jacket he had stolen from his father in their teenage years. It was a bit big on his muscled frame, despite the fact he was quite large in the shoulders, but in a way that looked good he supposed - trendy. She passed it over quickly, turning her back as he threw it on over the outfit, before rooting through his bedside drawers - making a show at noticing the bottle of lube he kept in there.
He grimaced at her, shaking his head with a scoff before accepting the bottle of cologne she had brought over - one he only used on special occasions. He waited patently as she peppered him in the spray, then she put a bit on her finger as wiped at the underneath of his ears with it. He pulled a face, to which she only ignored, and watched as she returned it to the drawers.
Clapping her hands together, she smiled. "There we go," she said, pushing him towards the mirror that hung on the bathroom door, "you look nice."
"I look like a dick," he said upon seeing his reflection, an outfit that resembled an 'out out' night, in the pubs or even a club rather than a small party at a friends house.
"Nonsense," she chastised, "put on your shoes, Rem."
Marlene, as loud as ever, wore her black jeans, baggy enough as it is without the extra ankle flare they provided. She had paired it with a tight white corset, her own leather jacket and clunky pair of platform boots. Her shaggy cut, which had faded from it's pink to a dullish silver, was messy on her head and she wore a bright red lipstick to match.
"Who are you trying to impress?" She said, astounded, as they made their way through the flat and towards her.
"See!" Remus quipped, reaching into his gym jacket for his keys and wallet, before sticking his hands into the pockets of his leather. "I look like an idiot."
"Oh on the contrary!" Marlene argued, not letting Lily stand in. "You look fit, if I wasn't a lesbian Remus I'd be all over you at the party!"
"That's the goal," Lily winked, walking past the two and out of the door. "Though, we're not sure who he's trying to impress."
"So you are trying to impress someone?"
"James mentioned somebody asking about him."
"But he won't tell me who."
"Ah, I see."
The three of them walked in relative silence for the first few minutes of their journey, and -okay, it's not like James Potter lived on the complete opposite side of the city, it was barely a thirty minute walk, but at the same time, he also sort of did live on the other side of the city. Rather than wandering off into town and making their way through busy streets and overcrowded pub corners, they settled for venturing through campus - which was quicker than through town anyway.
As they approached the opposite side of the University building, Marlene groaned in remembrance, throwing her head down as they skipped across the busy road and towards a nicer looking estate. "My art teacher is right pissing me off," she said in her northern accent, clinging onto Lily's arm almost for life as they hopped across one curve to another. "She's set a piece for us to do that reminds us of home, now that is quite difficult for those of us who had a shit home life."
Lily tuts from her side, running a soothing hand through the girls pale pink hair, "cheer up love, I'm sure you'll think of something."
Marlene groans again, shaking her head in a motion that suggest she will in fact not find something. "Sure," she gives, a sad smile on her face. "Dead tree's and a river made of blood more likely."
Remus grimaces, Marlene is never quiet about her time from home - despite the fact after those few weeks in college where she did go missing, her mother convinced her father to let her return home, though it's not like he ever acted as if she was actually there, unless he wanted to argue with someone. Marlene doesn't hide it, no, but she's not known to go on about it either, it happened, she survived, that's that - and, she's at Uni now, away from them all, she's happy, she's thriving. But Remus and Lily are no fools, and it's obvious that it gets to her sometimes.
"What are the rules for the piece?" Remus asks, feeling a bit sick as he thinks about all the times Marlene had to stay over at his, or at Lilys.
"It's got to be landscape," she counts off on her fingers, "can't be black and white, and it has to remind us of home." They cross another road, getting closer to the apartment complex now - Remus can already see a few groups overhead leaving. It's late, nearing midnight, and the party began at nine. "We have to have the backstory prepared, probably so she knows we actually picked something that we treasure or whatever."
"Something that reminds you of home," Lily adds helpfully, gripping tighter onto Marlene's arm, "doesn't always have to be where you're from, or what house you grew up in."
"As far as I'm aware," Marlene begins, and then seems to shaker her head and drop it - she's not the sappy type, and she doesn't say affectionate things as much as she probably wants to. Her friends are aware that she loves them, and that the three of them are a sort of found family in the midst of their crappy home lives, but neither of them comment on their love for each other very often. Actions speak louder than words, and all that crap. "Anyway," she settles, "I'll think of something and come up with some crap to support it."
Remus, who understood her sentiment, brings an idea forward - smiling at the memories he's brought to the front of his mind. "What about the City Walls?"
Lily smiles, a great big smile and turns her head over her shoulder to look at him as they make their way down the street before turning outside of James' place. "That's right," she agrees, smile still present. "We used to go to York all the time, and we'd sit on that one corner and just watch people for hours. I always enjoyed those trips."
"Home," Remus smiles, and Marlene does too, proud of the fact Remus picked up on what she was getting at. "I think it's a good idea."
They don't say anymore on the matter, having reached the specific flat now and floundering up the stairs. There was no need to be buzzed in, bidding farewell to Benjy and Caradoc as the two men squeezed past them with joyous "goodnights!"
Marlene and Lily are jogging a bit in front of Remus as they make their way up the stairs -both used to Remus' fear of lifts- in order to accompany Remus' longer strides. They reach the third floor with ease, waving throughout the crowd on the corridor as they make their way through the open door of the flat. Remus notices Emmaline Vance and Alice Fortescue in the same corner by the balcony as Marlene is quick to drag them towards the kitchen counter, fussing over different empty cups to make their own drinks.
As though the alcohol on show isn't up to her taste she leans down and opens the cupboard under the kitchens island, rifling her way through several different bottles before pulling out a large bottle tequila, followed by a white rum and a vodka - Remus shakes his head with a fond smile as she seems perfectly comfortable in the kitchen. Besides, she's been here plenty of times, what with being close with Sirius.
She turns her back on the group, and moves over towards the fridge where she pulls of a small bottle of lemon juice, followed quickly by a smaller bottle of gin and...triple sec? Remus groans, throwing his head down into his awaiting palms whilst she returns to the counter and reaches for the bottle of coke. "Marlene are you trying to kill us?"
Marlene, luckily for her - he supposes, works at a bar, or a club, whatever you want to call it. And she's an expert mixer, always coming up with silly concoctions, though Remus recognises her train of thought immediately this time. "You love a long island, Remus, grow a pair."
"Hello, hello," says a voice from behind him, he smiles down at James as he swerves in beside him and the islands stools. "Are you robbing me Marlene?"
"Why hello, Potter," she smiles brightly, pouring the mixture into three different cups that Lily had dropped a handful of ice from the freezer into. "Got any Gomme?"
Seemingly aware of the girls antics, he simply shrugs and points to the cupboard above where the microwave is placed by the kitchen window. "Syrups should be in there."
"The fuck?" She asks as she opens the cupboard, moving past tins of soups and packets of instant noodles to find the bottles at the back. She plucks one from the shelf, turns and adds a hefty dollop into their drinks before putting it back. "Whatcha hiding it for?"
"Maybe because he doesn't constantly feed people too much alcohol," Remus adds leaning over to take the drink from Lily's waiting hand, and then a straw from Marlene. He sips, grimaces and then sips again. "It's far too early for this."
"There is no such thing as too much alcohol!" Marlene chastises, moving past the three of them and towards the living room area, they follow.
"A long island ice tea," Lily adds, taking a sip of her own drink before stirring it and throwing herself down on the couch beside Marlene. It's the same set up as it was last time Remus was here, three weeks ago. Two couches, both black and leather, facing each other whilst the floor is scattered in an assortment of bean bags, varying in different colours. James settles on the opposing couch, and Remus follows, minding out of the way of the occupied bean bag closest to him. It's Pete, and he's currently absorbed into his phone, he clicks and the music changes throughout the flat - there are speakers somewhere. "Is the definition of too much alcohol."
"Yeah but they're soooo good," Marlene sings in response, using her straw to sip down the majority of her first drink. She shakes her head then kicks a foot out, knocking Peter's phone from his grip, "alright Pete?"
"He's having an internal battle with himself," James supplies, watching as Peter rushes to pick his phone back up and skips the next three songs. "He cant decide whether he wants to play Hozier or Taylor swift."
"And it's a very hard decision," Peter scolds, skipping another song before huffing and shuffling Hozier. "Best Hozier song, go."
Lily says, "Someone new," the same time Marlene coughs up a, "Take me to church."
"Gay ass trauma," Remus responds, sipping on his drink with a sweet smile as Marlene scoffs in his direction, eyes wide. "What?" He asks innocently, "that's why it's your favourite."
"Okay mr bottle myself up and listen to mind is a prison by Alec Benjamin on loop," She teases back, throwing him a smile of her own.
"In my defence," he begins, which causes a snort from Lily across from him. He ignores it and continues, "my Alec Benjamin phase lasted throughout high school and remained there."
"He's not even that bad," Peter says from his spot on the bean bag, balancing a smaller can of some sort of cocktail on his knee. Now he notices it, Peter and James are quite sober despite the party having started hours ago, were they waiting for them? He suddenly feels quite guilty, but the smiles on their faces quickly washes that away. "I have a few of his songs in my playlist."
"Don't let Sirius hear you say that," James says with a warning glance, he sips on his drink, emptying it before placing it on the carpeted floor. Then he opens his mouth to continue but Remus' attention is captured by the slamming of a door down the narrow hallway that he presumes leads to the boys' bedroom, and possibly a shared bathroom - though the place looks big enough to accommodate two of those.
Watching, from his comfortable distance on the couch, he see's Sirius walking down the hallway and out into the kitchen, clearly with a destination in mind. He pours himself a drink, and then seems to think better on it and mixes something completely different - much like how Marlene did about twenty minutes before hand. He reaches over the counter for a bottle of half drunken vodka, exposing the top of his chest from beneath his 'American Idiot' band shirt, that's been cut by hand to sit off of his shoulder, which in itself exposes his pale collarbones.
Swallowing, Remus notices he's wearing the same collaboration of necklaces as the last time he saw him; the silver cross clinging to his neck like some sort of choker, the beaded, longest, necklace was there too which was finally accompanied with the star chain, letter inside. He was wearing eye-makeup again, though Remus knew he was far too far away for him to distinguish what exactly, though a shimmer caught his eye from the blinding kitchen light reflecting across his cheeks.
As he wandered around the counter and into the drawers in search for a straw, Remus presumed. He took notice of the dark, beltless, jeans he was wearing that clung tightly to his hips, and finally a pair of boots similar to Marlene's, which made him seem taller than he actually was. He gets closer afterwards, having noticed his friends at some point, and Remus gets a clear view of his rings as his grip on his own cup tightens.
He catches Remus' eye then, a smirk on his face as he continues his slow pace closer, then he looks away when Remus' gaze refuses to move. Leaning back into the couch, Remus licks his lips which suddenly feel very dry, for some strange reason that he chooses not to try and place. Sirius' appearance has been clocked on now, and as he takes a seat in front of Marlene on the crimson bean bag Remus finally looks away, only to catch Lily's knowing eye, who's looking at him with a confused expression. He looks away from her too, turning to James once more as he greets his friend.
"And where have you been hiding?" He asks, leaning his head on his waiting palm that's resting on the arm of the couch. "In your room all on your lonesome?"
"You never know," Sirius winks in response, "but no. Reg called."
"Oh shit," and James is sitting straighter, and stiller, than Remus has ever seen before. "Are they alright?"
Sirius nods, then takes a long sip of his drink. "They were calling to let me know mother dearest is back from France."
"She's not said anything to you, has she?" James asks, and Remus makes himself smaller than what he is, feeling as though he shouldn't be involved in this conversation as the tension files about the room.
As the conversation continues, which seems much against Sirius' idea - considering he looks incredibly uncomfortable, Remus excuses himself for a cigarette, and Lily (who doesn't actually smoke, occasionally) follows. Marlene stays behind, probably a little more educated on the topic than the others, and Peter seems perfectly distracted enough with his music.
They walk past groups of people in silence, only smiling in response when they seem to recognise them. Lily's struck a conversation up with Alice, so Remus continues on his own, slipping out of the open balcony door and sitting down in one of the garden chairs that decorate it. There's a used ash tray on the table, so rather than flicking his ash off of the side of the ledge he opts to use that instead. Routing around in his pocket for his packet, lighting it and inhaling deeply, he watches the moon from behind grey clouds in the distance.
Lily appears a few moments alter, drink in hand, and plops herself into the seat across from him - hugging her frame against the cold. Luckily, Remus had brought his jacket with them and passes it over, smiling at the girls thanks before returning to his cigarette.
"Give me some will you?" She asks after a moments of silence, clearing debating with herself whether she wants one or not. Remus, who is in no state to deny her request, offers the remaining half of his cigarette before lighting another. He does it quickly, exhaling his first puff before she speaks again. "How are you feeling?"
He's slightly taken aback by that, because -for starters- he hasn't done anything to make her question his wellbeing, as far as he's aware at least. He takes another drag to put off his answer, even though he has no reason to. "M'alright, why? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she shrugs, putting out her cigarette in the ash tray that's provided. "You seem a bit quiet."
He looks across the table at her, immediately drawn to the smirk on her red lips and his heart drops. Whatever she's insinuating is wrong, because he's done nothing! Or..at least, he doesn't remember doing anything.
"I know that look!" He says, pointing a weary finger in her direction before bringing his cigarette to his lips one more time, eyes not leaving hers.
"Oh, I'm sure you do!" She laughs.
"But I don't know why you're giving it me," he continues, making a show of his unfinished sentence. "Why are you looking at me like that? I haven't done anything!"
"Oh, have you not?"
"No!"
"Are you sure?"
"Positive!"
"Remus," she laughs, leaning her arms onto the table and peering over at him. She looks at every feature on his face, searching for something, anything. And then she leans back with a defeated huff, crossing her arms. "You really have no clue?"
"I have no clue," he confirms, nodding his head. He takes one final puff of his cig before putting it out in the tray, turning his body fully to face her. "What have I done?"
"No no," she says, waving her hands in surrender. "I'll let you figure it out yourself."
And then she gets up from the table, reaching over for her discarded drink and walks back inside, stopping at the door and waving for him to follow. He does, and they both make their way back towards the couches, where Marlene has ducked her head behind Sirius' shoulder and they all seem to be laughing at her. Remus raises a single eyebrow in confusion, sitting down with a huff before looking across at the girl, who's now clinging to Lily's arm and burying her face in her hair.
"Do I want to know?" Remus asks, turning and facing James who's trying to stifle his own laughter.
"She's seen someone she knows," he answers, looking across at him before returning his gaze to Marlene, "she's lovesick."
Lovesick? Marlene? He scoffs, Marlene never gets lovesick. She's only ever been in one real relationship and that was with Patricia Rakepick back in college and even then, they were on and off for longer than they were actually a labelled couple. Marlene is far too busy for anything monogamous, or at least that's what she would say if you asked.
But as he looks across the couch at his friend, following her eyes to the other side of the room where there's a taller girl, with long black braids with beige beads and a short denim mini-skirt and flared top, and a familiar face that he instantly recognises as Barty Crouch from the Slytherin basketball team he's looking back at Marlene with a shocked expression. "Dorcas Meadowes?!"
"Shut up, Lupin!" She scolds immediately, throwing a pillow at his face. It hits with a satisfying pop, and then falls down into his lap and he doesn't bother moving it. "I met her at your stupid fucking basketball game and I haven't stopped thinking about her since."
"Do you want her instagram?" He asks, pulling out his phone from his trouser pockets.
"What?!" She shrieks, bolting up right and staring at him with such fascination mixed with a sense of panic - Remus is struggling to decipher to two. "How do you know Dorcas Meadowes?"
"We went to highschool with her," he nods towards Lily, who's smiling in agreement. "Suppose we've just kept in touch since then."
"Oh my god, you know her!" She gasps in an accusing tone, "you know her and you never said anything! Do you have any love for me at all Remus? Does she like women? What is she studying? Where does she go?"
"I don't spend my free time setting up my friends," he scolds, copying her instagram handle and sending it to the girl across from him, he turns off his phone and looks across at her. "She's a lesbian and she's studying tech at the Salazar building."
"So I have a chance?" Marlene burst, all panic forgotten in her excitement. She sits up straight and combs back her messy hair with her hands, nails painted a deep purple.
Remus laughs, reaching for his own drink that he left on the floor before saying, "you will probably have a chance if you actually speak to her. Sitting here staring isn't going to get you anywhere."
"Okay love therapist," she said with a grimace, shaking her head at him from her spot on the couch. "When did you get so smart in the ways of love?"
He cringes internally at that, scoffing and making a stand to head towards the kitchen for a refill - though he does not have Marlene's skills and must settle for something less extreme, until he feels a persons presence behind him. Sirius, with a smile, takes the cup from his hand as they reach the counter and begins making them both a drink. He must've noticed what the three of them had been drinking before hand, because he doesn't ask what it was and just starts mixing the same amounts of alcohol together.
"Come up with a nickname yet?" He asks, as he peers into the cupboard by his feet in search of the proper vodka, and tequila, in attempts at making conversation. It isn't awkward at all, the silence is quite comfortable actually, but Remus isn't going to complain with Sirius' need to talk.
"I though that was your job," he quips, pushing around empty plastic cups on the surface of the island. He looks up, watching Sirius' attempts to reach behind the instant noodles for the syrup. Laughing under his breath, he makes his way towards the jumping boy and reaches over his head for the bottle, smiling down at him and dropping it into his waiting hands. They're close, and Remus can see the glitter lining his dark eye-liner from this angle, perfectly.
Sirius doesn't move straight away, instead looks closer at Remus' face, where he can probably make out the silver lines across his skin that accompany his barely-there freckles. He blushes slightly at their proximity and then steps away, moving to take a seat on the other side of the kitchen island and watching Sirius return to the drinks.
"We said we could help," he returns to their previous conversation, chancing a quick look in the boys direction, but when he realises Remus is watching him he quickly looks away again. "You have to play a part too, you know."
"It's not me that wants one," he shrugs, turning a cup upside down and then right side up again. "It's Marlene and Lily who have been coming up with random things for ages now, none of them stick. I'm perfectly fine with my name."
Sirius finishes the drinks, plucking two straws from the drawers and placing them gently into the cups before walking around the counter, stopping in front of Remus so his knee's are brushing against his hips. He smiles, holds out the drink for him and says, "I like your name too."
But Remus doesn't get the chance to say anything else, because Sirius has turned and walked back towards their friends. He sits still for a second, staring down at his brown drink with a strange feeling in his stomach and heat in his face.
***
It was nearing two am by the time Remus realises they should probably be leaving soon, most people had disappeared in the past hour - though Marlene was still doing pretty good of a job chatting up with Dorcas in the back corner, swaying slightly to the music. Barty had left, no one knows when, but he has. And the only remaining people are himself and Lily and James and his friends. Though, if he thought about it, they were probably his friends too now.
James had somewhere found the courage to sit beside Lily, and the two of them were giggling as they looked down at his phone, both flushed from their drinking. Peter was scrolling through his camera roll and showing Remus pictures of meals he had created from his culinary classes, and he was actually quite talented. Sirius had taken to distracting Marlene from her flirting in attempts to get her to dance with him, but it didn’t seem to be working, and as Remus looked over his shoulder to check in, he noticed Sirius already looking in his direction.
He smiled, and then turned back around, watching as Peter showed him some sort of vegetarian lasagne he had created last week. “That actually looks really nice, Pete.”
“Thanks,” he smiled proudly, clearly grateful for the comment. “I don’t usually make vegetarian dishes but my cousin was in town and she doesn’t eat meat. It actually turned out better than I expected.”
He was about to respond when he felt a pressure building in his shoulder, somebody tapping him from over the back of the couch. He leaned back into the leather, looking upside down at Sirius’ smiling face. His makeup still looked perfect, and his shirt was showing off more of his collarbone that immediately drew Remus’ eyes towards.
“Dance with me Remus?” Sirius asked, smiling wider down at him, he reached out a hand and pushed at the stray curls that were covering his eyes.
Remus laughed slightly and shook his head, following it up with an “I don’t dance.”
“Please,” he insisted, leaning onto the couch now so their faces were barely inches apart. His pale face pink with the heat the alcohol provided. They’d all had far too much to drink by now, especially considering Marlene had started them off on Long islands. “I won’t step on your toes.”
“It’s your toes you should be worried about,” he shot back, still shaking his head. And then he stopped, because it was doing funny things to his vision, and looked into the deep grey eyes that were staring so closely into his own. He felt his breath leave his lungs then, at the silence that surrounded them, the music draining out. “Plus, nobody else is even here. There’s no one dancing.”
Sirius pouted then, and Remus had a strange realisation of nothing ever looking displeasing on the man's face. How could he pull off such a childish expression?
Seemingly content with accepting Remus’ answer, he threw himself over the back of the couch, landing with a short oof and sitting beside him, nestling against the arm as he practically curled in on himself. Remus watched, with a smile, as he seemed to struggle keeping his eyes open - taking it as their sign to leave he rose from his seat on the couch and sighed.
“We should get going,” he said towards Lily who looked up and nodded in agreement. She ruffled James’ hair, which he seemed far too pleased with, before standing and clinging onto his arm as she struggled to keep balanced.
“I’ll walk you guys down,” James insisted, standing from his seat too - he was visibly less intoxicated then the rest of them. Waving over his shoulder towards his friends he led them towards the front door, passing Marlene on the way and wishing her a good night, the three of them walked out into the hallway and descended the staircases.
“It was nice having you guys,” James said as they reached the lobby, he pressed the button on the inside wall and stood to the side as the automatic door opened. “You’re more than welcome to come round more often, y’know without a party.”
Lily giggled into Remus’ arms, and that was his sign of yep, she’s definitely drunk. He thanked James, taking him up on his offer, and walked out into the cold air - realistically, they should be getting a taxi of some sort, but he knew the fresh air would do them some good, and the walk would sober them up. He waved over his shoulder in goodbye and the pair set off to their own apartment across campus.
***
[ Remus + Sirius ]
Sirius
Did you guys get back okay?
Remus
Sirius, it’s 3am. Go to sleep
Sirius
Just wanted to make sure you were okay :)
Remus
We got back just fine, thank you
Sirius
Okay, that’s good
Remus
Are you okay?
Sirius
Am drunk
Remus
Yes, i gathered that at the party
Sirius
Head hurts
Remus
Put some painkillers on your bedside table, for tomorrow
Sirius
See that sounds smart
But im already in bed and it’s so comfortable
Remus
Suit yourself :p
Sirius
We need a nickname for you
Remus
No we dont
Sirius
Mhmmm we do
I have one, James has one, and Pete
Remus
Yes, i know your friends have them
Sirius
You’re our friend too Remus :(
You need a nickname
Remus
But that’s your guys’ thing, isn’t it?
Sirius
Ur one of us now!
U need a name!
Remus
I have a name
Sirius
Yes you do
Remus
You like my name :)
Sirius
Yes, i do.
Remus
I like your name too
Sirius
Yeah?
Remus
It’s very fitting
Sirius
Ur flattering me Remus
Remus
Good, that was the goal
Sirius
Hm, ur flirting with me
Remus
Maybe
You should sleep, it’s late
Sirius
Im texting you
Remus
Alright, ill leave then
Sirius
Don’t be mean :(
Remus
It’s 3am
Sirius
You’ve said
Remus
Good night, Sirius
Sirius
Good night
Notes:
Am shit at pulling outfits together honestly, I literally am a remus lupin kin with a hint of reggie ... if u expect anything other then sweater vests ur wrong :p
All the music included in this chapter is purely based off of the playlist I had on shuffle. I'm having Alec post concert blues and the last concert I went to was two years ago 3
Chapter 4: Late night strolls
Summary:
Sirius talks
Notes:
Chapter warnings for this one include mention of past abuse, homophobia, transphobia - yk, the Blacks and all that. Look after yourselves guys :)
With that being said, this is a shorter one for you guys, though I still hope you enjoy! I'll be back soon.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
This is why you should have slept last night, Sirius' text had come through just as Remus was leaving for his first lecture - only lecture - of the day, it was just his luck that it was a nine am start. He'd been up all night texting the boy, which for the past few weeks seemed to be a regular occurrence. They hadn't actually seen each other since the party, what with Remus' busy schedule and the lack of parties at James' flat anyway, but they still spoke for what seemed like the entirety of the day. As soon as either of them had a spare minute they'd find themselves texting one another about the most pointless of things, just to simply talk.
Sticking his headphones in and zipping up his jacket, he pulled his phone from his pocket and sent a quick reply ( and who's fault is that? ) before walking swiftly towards campus. He didn't have a terribly busy day ahead, practice was off and he was up to date with his reading and essays, it seemed as though he was throwing around the idea of an afternoon run - though, he couldn't tell how busy the track would be today. It was a Friday after all so, if anything, students would most likely be getting ready to go out into town, or their friends places.
Talking to Sirius had been...nice. Different, but despite the fact Remus wasn't essentially looking for any more friends, he supposed growing closer to James had seemed to pay off, in some way or the other. It had definitely affected his confidence with the rest of his basketball team, he'd even gone to the pub by Caradoc's flat with him and Benjy one evening, and their friend Kingsley had tagged along.
Him and Marlene had been spending plenty of time with Dorcas too - which was purely for Marls' benefit, though Remus found it quite exciting getting to reconcile with an old friend, as though they had never drifted in the first place. Dorcas, to the surprise of pretty much everyone, had been quite flirty with Marlene and complimented her new hair when they went out for coffee, she had dyed it from it's faded pink to a brunette with green highlights, which she pulled off incredibly well.
Dorcas was a sort of enigma, a long skirt and flowy blouse wearing enigma. Her personality was ambitious and it was clear she could be quite spiteful, but on top of that she was generous and incredibly empathetic, but she always managed to surprise everyone - just when you'd think you could read her perfectly well, she'd do something unthinkable. Marlene found it exhilarating. Remus quite liked how often she changed the beads in the braids of her hair, and at one point (when they were out drinking with Lily) she had asked him what colour she should attempt next. His answer, to match Marlene, was green.
Remus had even begun running sometimes with James, though it was more likely to find them both in the gym together rather than on the track, he wanted to at least keep something for himself. And he'd even been messaging Peter about different dishes for the boy to attempt - everything was good, things seemed peaceful. Sure, his number of friends seemed to be constantly increasing over the past month, and it was a little overwhelming at times, but he felt happy.
September had quickly given away to October, leaves had officially fallen from the tree's, littering the pathways in an orange layer, crunching beneath students' footsteps. The temperature had naturally declined, leaving a cold breeze in the air to the point people had officially started dressing for the weather rather than braving clothes that were more suitable for summer.
Eventually, Remus reached the lecture hall deep within the University building. He took his usual seat towards the back of the room, making himself as invisible as his over six foot frame would allow, sinking back into his chair and hiding his phone beneath the table where his laptop resided. With a smile on his face, he completely tuned out his lecturer for the next hour and a half, in favour of conversing with a very persuasive Sirius Black.
***
"Do you think she's doing this on purpose?" Lily asked with a scowl, leaning towards the floor to whisper directly into Remus' ear whilst Marlene was pacing back and forth behind the couch, on the phone to the nearest Greek restaurant.
Remus and Lily had been watching TV together in attempts to have a relaxing Friday evening when Marlene had burst through the front door with complaints of her art class - coincidentally, Remus and Lily had yet to start cooking, which obviously meant they should order take out and watch something new that neither of them had seen on the television, even if Marlene wanted to rewatch The Hunger Games for the hundredth time in a row.
"Do you recon," the girl in question asked ten minutes later - after purposely dragging out her conversation to the restaurant worker over the phone, purely to spite Lily's rumbling stomach. She had thrown herself over the back of the couch, taking her previous seat beside the other girl and running a hand messily through Remus' curls as she voiced her question, "either of us would actually survive The Hunger Games."
"Absolutely not," Lily answered without hesitation, resuming the second movie that they had begun before Marlene ordered their food. It had become a sort of tradition now, each time the three of them were together on evenings they'd order takeout and watch the same miserable - in Remus' opinion - movies. They just weren't that good, he'd complain. "I recon I'd personally be okay surviving when it comes to anything but fighting, but as soon as someone runs at me with a weapon I'd be dead in seconds."
"At least you're self aware," Marlene shrugged, burying herself under the small cotton blanket she claimed as her own - which was actually Remus' that his grandmother had knitted him as a child. "I recon I could survive them, but I'd probably end up incredibly traumatised."
"Everyone would end up traumatised," Remus mumbled from his place on the floor, hands around his steaming cup of tea. "It's a stupid thing, and the movies are even dumber."
"Yet you watch them with us every time," Lily smiled, singing with her head tilted. "Besides, you'd probably get yourself locked up or killed before you even had the chance to be involved in a reaping."
"Are you calling me rebellious?" Remus asked, wiggling his eyebrows in her direction.
"I'm calling you an idiot."
"I recon I'd kick ass," Marlene continued, seemingly in her own world. "Then I'd probably become a raging alcoholic to deal with the guilt of surviving."
"Imagine going through all that," Lily voiced, eyes slightly glazed over. "Dealing with all the trauma and everything else that must come with it, just to like," she paused. "I don't know... get hit by a car."
"Right," Remus sighed, placing his mug down on the coffee table before standing to his feet. "I'd like to leave this conversation," he said before wandering off towards their bedrooms hallway, "I'm off for a shower before food gets here."
"You're just jealous we'd survive longer than you!" Marlene called at his retrieving form, laughing alongside Lily as they focused once again on the movies showing on the large TV screen.
Pushing open his bedroom door, he slipped into the bathroom and turned the heat on the shower all the way up before walking back through to his room to put his phone on charge. He crouched down the side of his bed in search for the wire, finding it stuck beneath his bedside table. Remus had just plugged his phone in the charge when it vibrated in his palm, lighting up with a message from Sirius.
He rose to his feet as he responded, forgetting immediately about the running water as conversation sparked between the two. Before he knew it, he had completely zoned out and sat back against his beds headboard - letting the water run cold.
***
Running in the late evening was far less exhilarating than running in the early morning, which was weird to say the least - considering it provided the same amount of loneliness, which he just seemed to find comfort in sometimes. Maybe it was the bitter chill in the air, especially as winter approached, or maybe it was the darkness, campus lit by nothing but the stars and the dim moon that shone from behind several clouds.
There was just something about the late night exterior that didn't seem to comfort Remus the same way the orange tint to the rising sun would provide in the mornings. Not to say he didn't like night at all, because he did. He enjoyed stargazing, something he used to do with his mother for years before she passed. They'd curl up together in their back garden, their small cottage in the Welsh countryside, and watch the stars for hours - pointing out as many constellations as they could remember. But then, he supposed, his mother died. And his love for the night time activity died with her.
The stars just didn't hold the same feeling as they used to.
Nevertheless, he still ran. Pushing the limit of his stamina and making his lungs heave against the rawness. He ran until his bones ached and clicked as they were forced to keep up with his brain, until sweat beaded at the back of his neck between his curls - which alerted him of a well needed haircut. Or maybe he'd grow it out a little, he always wanted to try a mullet, or was that just Marlene talking?
His earphones threatened to fall with each step, blasting music into his ear as he completed lap after lap. Hooch always advertised the idea of extra body training, something to build her players stamina's, and that's why each of them had gym memberships during their University stay, but she wasn't opposed to anything extra - beyond that, and Remus was ready to please.
Besides, running was something to take his mind off of things, nothing ever in particular (or, well, it hadn't been used as such recently. When he was younger, after his mother passed, he'd use running to calm his anger. Anger at the world, naturally, or even anger at his father as the man turned to drugs and drinking to cope. Remus couldn't judge him for grieving, he never would. But he could judge him for abandoning his son), but sometimes his headspace was too loud. Useless anxieties eating away at his self confidence, or the stress that came with being a student, or..other things. It was a stress reliever, and for the most times it was a healthy one.
As the final song faded, he reached up and wrapped the wire of his earphones around his phone before slotting it back into his gym short pockets. His water bottle, after one last gulp, was officially empty - signalling his time to head back home. It was most likely past the early hours of three now, Lily would be asleep and nothing on campus would be open but despite that, Remus didn't really want to leave just yet.
His breath fogged on every exhale, and the hair on his legs had begun to stand at the adjustment from his body heat and the cold air surrounding him. The cold didn't bother him whilst running, obviously. But as soon as he stopped, nature caught back up.
He didn't go home, instead he turned in the opposite direction and began a walk closer to the main streets of the town, there was a bench beyond the canal that he wanted to relax by, watching the ripples in the water and looking between different flocks of ducks that habituated there.
What he didn't expect, when he arrived ten minutes later, was somebody else already occupying the bench. Remus turned to leave in the opposite direction before the figure ahead of him lifted his head and looked out against the water. That head of hair he'd notice anyway.
He approached, keeping quiet until there was no longer any more ground to cover. Lowering himself silently beside the body he, too, looked out against the canal - noticing a familiar flock of ducks floating along the surface of the water by a small tree.
The silence lingered for a while, neither of them wanting to break it - the pair of them stuck in their own little world in the early hours of the morning, both certainly outside for a reason.
Until the silence became too overwhelming.
"Why are you out here so late?" Sirius asked, though he made no signs of actually noticing the boy from beyond that. Grey eyes remaining on the grey water.
Remus didn't look up either, encouraging the solemn feeling that surrounded the pair. He whispered, against the breeze, "I could ask you the same thing."
"Touche," Sirius said with a click of his tongue. He stood up and wiped down at his dark jeans before hugging the leather jacket he wore tighter around his slim frame. Remus looked up, smiling at the familiar face - hair tied into a messy sort of bun atop his head, few strands framing his face. "Walk with me?"
Nodding, Remus stood to his feet, welcoming the silence that followed them down the river bank. They walked on a little further, just being in one another's company. Quiet to the point Remus began to worry slightly, because why was Sirius actually out here so late on his own? Was he okay? Did he fight with James? He didn't want to overstep, especially because it wasn't his place to do so, but that didn't help the rising anxiety regarding the boys silence.
Sure, they had been texting more these days, but they hadn't hung out in person - nor actually seen each other outside of the parties. He was, admittedly, surprised that Sirius had even invited him along rather than shooing him away, or even getting up and walking off on his own. So, really, did that not give him the green light to ask anyway? Clearly he wasn't opposed to Remus being here with him, otherwise he would have made that clear.
After a few more minutes, the worry won out and Remus found himself clearing his throat, asking "are you alright?" to the boy beside him.
If Sirius had heard him, he made no move to respond, nor showed any sign of acknowledging the statement at all. Instead, he continued the slow walk for a few more steps until they came across a small hill that began the woodland area beside the water. He moved across the gritty walk path and sat against the dry grass, leaning back into the green so he was staring heavily at the sky above.
Remus didn't feel like watching the stars, if that's what Sirius was doing, but he did sit down beside the boy. Though he kept his eyes trained on the water a few feet away, he felt acutely aware of the presence by his side, and then even more aware of the silence that started to feel a bit uncomfortable, no longer welcomed.
He was about to ask again when Sirius inhaled deeply, letting one arm cover his eyes in some sort of display of internal battle. Remus wondered how often Sirius shared his thoughts; if he was a talker, or someone who bottled everything up. If he fought his battles alone instead of asking for help. In that moment alone, he suddenly reminded the boy of Lily, and her trait to deal with her own problems.
Instead, he said, "sometimes people mix up being weak and needing advice." There was an even further silence at his words, though he felt as though Sirius truly was attempting to take them in. He thanked Lily internally, and then continued, "like...sometimes me and Lily need to remind each other that talking about our feelings doesn't mean we can't handle them. Because we can. It's just difficult on our own, and then other times it isn't. We struggle to determine which is which".
Sirius moved his arm away, turning his head and looking up at Remus from on his back. He squinted slightly, not in a judgemental way, but as if he was deciding whether or not he should speak. "How do you figure it out?"
Remus shrugged, bringing his knees to his chest and resting his head atop of them, watching Sirius in the corner of his eye. "It's hard," he admitted. Inhaling, he turned slightly, facing the boy beside him. "Lily struggles more than I do, but that's because I'm not as great with advice as she is. I don't think I've ever seen her cry more than three times, but that's just the way she is. There's nothing wrong with it, although it would be more beneficial for her to tell me when somethings playing on her mind. She's getting better, she helped me get better too."
"I don't want to make you feel like you have to talk to me," he said in a whisper, smiling down at him. Sirius was listening closely, his eyes never leaving Remus'. "But I am here if you want to talk, if somethings bothering you. Sometimes it feels a little lighter if you share your thoughts with someone else, and if that's not the case, saying the words out loud might even take away some of the stress."
"I'm worried about Reg," Sirius decided eventually. He looked away then, back at the stars in the sky. "They're younger than me, still in college and they live with our parents. I - well, they're not good people. I left years ago and we - we haven't spoken much since, in person. They don't let them have contact with me anymore, so if they ever call or message it's only when they get the chance to."
Remus nodded, following. He swallowed the small lump that had risen due to Sirius' tone. "Are," he hesitated. "Are they, do they feel the same about your parents?"
"What? That they're not good people? Yeah, it," he stopped, sat up and crossed his legs before pulling at the grass surrounding him. "It took them a little longer than It did for me, I was always the outspoken sort, I never listened to what they wanted or who they needed me to be. I was more aware of how they felt about different people and they were never... exposed? to it I guess."
"And they are now?" Remus asked, watching as Sirius' long fingers treaded through the grass, pulling and twisting. "Exposed to it, I mean."
Sirius nodded, almost as if shrinking in on himself. "I was always...loud, about who I was. They didn't scare me when I was younger, before I knew what they were capable of. And it got me into shit," he breathed a laugh. "And then Reg came out to me last year, and I think our parents found out because they've been telling me some awful things, what gets said to them..what they do."
Understanding, Remus exhaled deeply. He watched as the wind blew against the river, rushing it along the stream. His face was cold, his arms were clinging to his knees in attempts to contain any warmth. "Came out?"
Sirius smiled, looking back up at Remus. "Reg's non-binary. They...I think they're gay too so when our parents found out they weren't happy, and they've been messaging me about it but they've suddenly gone radio silent." He paused, hesitating for a few minutes before shaking himself out of it. "I'm worried about them, they - what my parents did to me, how they treated me. It- it wasn't good Remus, and I- I don't, want. I don't want them to have to go through that too."
Remus cringed internally, watching as Sirius' eyes glazed over. It hurt, to sit here and listen to the boy in front of him, the beautiful, beautiful boy relive his ugly past, remembering how it made him feel, bringing that closed fear to the surface again in the form of his younger sibling. He watched, calmly, as Sirius attempted to calm himself down, watching how strong he was and how strong he'd become due to the unfairness of his youth, the things he'd suffered. It was all coming back to him, Remus could see it, and he was washed in some sort of new found admiration for Sirius.
The way he presented himself, never the quiet type to sit by and let things slide. He paraded his personality as if he was atop a leader board, and he didn't care about a single soul that may disagree with him. He owed nothing to anybody, and he wore it like a medal around his neck. Remus was proud of him, despite not knowing him long, proud of who he's become regardless of how he was treated, proud of the way he treated those he cared about, how alive he was, proud for talking.
"I'm sorry Sirius," he said into the night. A sudden urge to move forward and hold the boy in his arms took over, he looked up again, watching as a single tear fell down his pale cheek. He sympathised with a smile, leaning forward and wiping it away.
Sirius looked up at the touch, biting down on his lip before moving forward. Remus let his knee's drop, holding the boy close to his chest instead and letting him silently cry into his shoulder. He brought up a hesitant hand, placing it on the back of his head -and when he didn't protest- began stroking at the nape of his neck soothingly with his thumb.
"I wish there was something I could do," he admitted softly, because it was true. In that singular moment, Remus wanted nothing more but to find whoever had hurt him and make them... he didn't know, make them pay. "If there's anything, anything. I will, I promise."
"I just want them to be safe," he said into Remus' shoulder, muffled as he cried silently. "I don't - I can't let them stay there. I need to get them. But I don't - I don't know how, and they won't respond and I just -" his voice cut off, breaking with a harsh sob.
Remus held tighter. Burying his own face in Sirius' shoulder. "I'm so sorry Sirius. I'm so sorry."
And they stayed there. Together. Until the sun rose.
Notes:
teehee not the CM reference - landmine landmine landmine ... sorry
ANYWAY, new hozier music... who CHEERED??? also...who cheered for non-binary Regulus?!?!
Chapter 5: Anger
Summary:
Remus is hurting, despite trying to heal.
Notes:
everything basketball wise in this chapter is utter bollocks, I know nothing about how it works. So, forgive me for that but also L it's just fanfiction.
Chapter Warnings:
okay, so during this chapter theres a BIG thing, all things are just talked about in the form of memories but it's still a bit iffy and very much still present for the character. Includes homophobia (nothing explicit), mention of overdose and hospitalisation, as well as just not a great parental relationship. Please take care reading, it's not much - detail wise, but it's still present!
Unintentional misgendering is included in the chapter, the person corrects themself.
Mention of hospitals - someone ends up in hospital, but we don't see much of it.
Also, Hope is mentioned in this chapter and the fact that she's passed, but nothing expressive!
Mentions of homophobic language on the court, but it's not present, you don't know what gets said but it's not hard to guess.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Sirius seemed to be doing a little better after their conversation along the river bank, not that he had completely stopped worrying -because he hadn't, and Regulus still hadn't gotten in touch, which had just created a sort of constant anxiety for him. But he had been dealing with it a lot better, there have been times throughout the past week where he'd willingly spoken to Remus about his younger sibling, whether that just be things about missing them, or telling stories about the pair of them from when they were kids. Remus was grateful for it either way.
He'd also been speaking to James more about it as well, which Remus was glad about. Even Marlene had mentioned Sirius bringing Regulus up more often than he usually would. Given, Marlene had known Sirius a lot longer than Remus and therefor knew -briefly- of some of the things they grew up with. Remus still didn't know everything, and he wasn't going to push for information that he wasn't required to be educated on.
He did know, however, that Walburga and Orion Black (prestigious parents which even more prestigious names - only Sirius seemed to pull of the tradition, in his eyes) were complete and utter shitholes. They'd send their children to bed without food, or take away their mobiles for weeks on end. There was even a time they'd taken away Sirius' bedroom door when he was fifteen years old because they didn't trust him.
Remus seethed with the knowledge of Sirius' past, it made his fists clench and his teeth grind. But it also made him feel useless, there was nothing he could do for teenage Sirius, though that wasn't going to stop him from doing everything he could for adult Sirius.
He was running more, too.
Something to control his anger that had been endlessly bubbling since that Friday evening (Saturday morning?) last week. He had no right, he knew that, it wasn't like that's how he was treated in his youth, albeit he wasn't treated very well either, but he still felt. He had taken some of that pain, not away from Sirius -no, he could never really do that, but he'd held out his hands and let the boy share the load. And he'd do it again, and again, and again.
Things hadn't really changed between them, decline wise. They were still texting everyday, about anything and everything, but there was also a sense of understanding between the two because now Sirius didn't really have to hold back, although he never really did talk about when something was bothering him. Remus knew that came with time. But there was a sincerity behind it now, they both were just a little closer, he supposed.
Basketball practice was paying off too, he'd increased his stamina over the past months with his passion for running blooming again. He'd been excelling in his studies, reading whenever he got the chance and writing up his essays in the early hours of the morning between conversations with Sirius. He was on track, if not a little ahead. And he was feeling good.
He had a game coming up, tomorrow. At home, which was always pleasant considering he didn't have to travel for hours in a small bus packed with sweaty teammates - sometimes he forgot how cleaner it all felt, compared to in high school with a bunch of annoying, horny, teenage boys. God, how grateful he was to be in University now instead.
It was nearing eight pm now, and campus was growing quieter. He'd been in the gym for the past hour, headphones blasting and calves burning as he ran against the treadmill. The treadmills were always lined up against the back wall, perfect view of the windowed wall. It overlooked the back track of the University, lit by the orange glow of the streetlights. It was small, and it was peaceful. His favourite spot in the entire gym.
Despite the tranquillity, there was always something that ripped him from his thoughts - most times, catching him by surprise. Tonight's interruption was caused by none other than James Potter.
"Hiya Loops," he smiled brightly, as usual. Jumping up onto a treadmill of his own, jabbing violently at the buttons until it was at a good warmup pace. He looked on out of the window, earphones laying against his neck as he spoke. "We're having a movie night after the game tomorrow, Marlene's coming."
"You don't want Marls present on movie nights," he said in response, instead of a greeting. He turned down the speed on his treadmill, going into a quick walk as he wound down. "She'll have you on a Hunger Games marathon."
"Well at least they're not bad movies," Remus scoffed, of course James would like them. "Anyway, was wondering if you and Lily wanted to join?"
This was new. He'd been invited to parties, plenty. Never a... friendly gathering? Though, he supposed, they had all become quite close over the past month, and he surely considered James and his friends, friends? So, then again, was this really all that surprising?
No, probably not. Though he let himself be a bit excited at the involvement, or even the fact James had thought to invite him along. And then he thought about the fact that this obviously included Sirius, and Sirius himself hadn't invited Remus despite them talking more. Did he not want him there? Or was it, perhaps, just James being the social butterfly he was and Sirius just hadn't really given it much thought. They were their own friend group after all, they didn't need him and Lily tagging along all the time.
"After the game?" He asked, ignoring his minds ramble.
James nodded, pressing the buttons again until he began a soft sort of jog. "You can go home and shower or whatever first, or I don't know - do whatever you do after games. There's no ETA between us just show up when you show up."
"Sure James," Remus nodded, stepping onto the solid floor and reaching down where he had discarded his jumper. He wiped at the sweat on his forehead with his bare forearm before throwing on the extra piece of clothing. "I'll talk to Lils about it."
"Will she be at the game?" He asked, completely oblivious to the fact Remus was now done with his exercise and ready to head home.
"Not this time," he admitted, shaking his head. "She's got an assignment due, I think. But I'll see if she'll be done in time to come over."
"Great," he said with relief, running now. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow!"
"Yeah," he'd turned his back on the other now, cradling his water bottle. "See you."
***
Remus was fourteen years old when he came out to his father, after years of constant torment, his pain, regret. He wished he had come out to his mother before she died, because then -maybe then, it wouldn't have been as hard as it was. He has no doubt that his mother would have supported him, loved him all the same because that's just what parents do.
Unconditional love is a tricky thing, and between two partners it's not easy to obtain. But, then again, it shouldn't be. People have their boundaries, and they have their preferences. If those things get crossed, if people get hurt, then you have as much right to walk away than the next person does. That's how it works. Remus knows that the world isn't black and white, there's no just right or wrong and there shouldn't be. Bad people can do good things and good people can do terrible things, those actions don't necessarily define who they are as people, it's the feelings that come with them.
Remus knows good things and bad things, he knows good people and people who aren't as much. He feels guilt and he feels remorse but he also feels selfishness, because everybody does, it's normal. It all comes with a line, a line that is terribly easy to cross, but sometimes also easy not to. He's seen it before, face to face, and he's walked away. But he's also treaded very close to it to, tiptoed over it and immediately retreated.
People aren't made to provide unconditional love, not in the term of romance, or lust, or sex. That's not how it works. You can't unconditionally love a best friend, or a boyfriend, or girlfriend, because people are unpredictable - no matter who says different. People can turn their backs on you, people can betray you and hurt you, cut you down until there's nothing left to cut.
But cuts heal, and even then, they can be cut again. Remus feels like his spent his entire life healing, but that's just the thing, isn't it? He doesn't have to, doesn't need to, shouldn't. Because the only way to heal is to be cut in the first place. And if a person continues to heal over and over again, then that means they're also cut. Sometimes, he thinks, that this is the way it's supposed to be, that cutting and healing is just who he is. Though, sometimes he thinks that that's not what he wants, why can't he just heal and stay healed? Why does he have to cut and heal, why can't he just be cut, or be healed.
The worst thing is, Remus doesn't know which he'd prefer. He doesn't want to do it over and over again, he's tired, has been for a long time. But he can't decide what would be better, being healed, or permanently cut?
Parents are supposed to give unconditional love, don't ask him why (because maybe he's wrong) but they just are. You can't bring someone into the world, teach them, nurture them, love them and then one day just stop. It isn't right, that shouldn't be the way. Parents are supposed to love forever, to hold forever, and to teach forever. That's just the way it is. A mother is the only thing a child is guaranteed, or a father... or two, and vice versa. A brother? Not so much, a best friend? Not so much.
Unconditional love isn't meant for everyday purposes, all means of social integrity or the most platonic of relationships. It's meant for family, for parents, for cousins or aunts and uncles or siblings. That's what it's for.
Until it isn't.
Remus doesn't speak to his father, much. He tries not to, it's not healthy. Because the world isn't black and white and unconditional love isn't a thing. His father isn't a bad person, but he isn't a good person either. He's cut and he'd healed, he's yelled and he's fought, he's loved and he's abandoned. Lyall Lupin wouldn't know love if it hit him in the face.
Unless it's in the form of a bottle, or a small baggie. Then he knows love, but then again, no he doesn't. Because addiction and love are two different things.
He knows, truly he does. That addiction comes in many shapes and forms - hell, he's addicted to running, the burning feeling in his lungs, the pain in his joints, he thrives with it, bleeds and breaths for it. It's something he needs, and he doesn't know if that addiction is unconditional or not.
His father, however, is very different. And the relationship between father and son, in this sense, is hard and will never be unconditional - never has been. That was all Hope, and her warm smiles, her soothing touches and her kind words. Hope Lupin, well she was a gem, one Remus thinks he was (at some point) addicted to. She was his mother, is his mother, always will be. But, she isn't here anymore, and a part of Remus left with her, too.
All of Lyall left with Hope. The day they met, and then the day they were ripped apart.
Remus didn't know a before Hope, but he's lived and will continue to do so, after.
Lyall Lupin has lived through it all, before, during, and after.
So, Remus was fourteen years old when he came out to his father. He doesn't know why he's thinking about it, now, as they change in the locker room for their game. He doesn't particularly want to either, if he's honest. Maybe it's the distance between the two, the lack of conversation, or maybe it's Sirius. Or, more so, Regulus.
He was thirteen when he came out to Lily, his best friend, and she shrugged, shook her head and said it changes nothing. Sometimes Remus thinks she was wrong, he wants to believe she was wrong, because she was. It does change things, but those things aren't a bad thing. It changes things, yes, but it doesn't change how he should be perceived, how he should be loved. And somewhere deep inside of him there's a voice, begging, pleading, screaming for her to take it back.
His father is a very traditional man, though he'd disagree with that if you said it to his face. And the worst thing is, Remus has seen it. He's seen his fathers nerves and his fear and his fucking regret.
When he was drunk, stumbling inside after being gone for god knows how many days - Remus learnt to stop counting. And during the night, Remus stumbled down the stairs for a glass of water and found his father on their couch, head in his hands between his knee's practically gasping for air between his sobs. And what was he supposed to do? His fathers crumbling to pieces in front of him, he can't walk away. But there's a line.
So instead, he made his glass of water and then another and crept into the living room, sitting on the floor in front of his dad and just waiting.
"I'm sorry, son." He had said it so suddenly, so abruptly that Remus was taken aback momentarily. Because, to Remus, Lyall hadn't even noticed he was there. His father shook his head, letting tears run down his face before leaning forward and cupping his sons face in his hands, whispering, "I'm so so sorry. I don't - I can't. I don't mean to be like this. I don't want to push you away."
Remus was tearing up, trembling beneath his fathers gentle hold. Because it was so different, he'd never been exposed to this before. His fathers touch was always heavy, hurtful. He didn't know Lyall had a soft side. He sniffed.
"I love you," he pleaded, wiping back the curls that had grown to long and were in front of Remus' eyes. He kept doing it, over and over, pushing away the hair. "I'm sorry, son. I love you, I'm sorry. I'm not a bad person, Remus. I'm not I promise. I'm sorry I've hurt you. I don't care about it, any of it. Only you."
Remus didn't know what he meant then, and he sure as hell has no idea today. The only thing he remembers after that conversation was an ambulance taking Lyall to the nearest hospital, riding in the back of it with blinding lights and too many strangers. He thought he was going to die, begged him the entire way to stay, he needed him, he couldn't lose him.
But Remus had lost him a long time ago.
It was an overdose, he'd taken too much and pushed himself to the limit. Fallen over that line, picked himself up and continued walking. He did that to Remus all whilst telling him he loved him, not proud, never proud. But he loved him nonetheless.
He survived, obviously. Not that Remus wanted otherwise, he didn't and he'd never think that. Because Lyall Lupin was still his father, regardless of whether he wanted to be. And he did, because Jesus fucking Christ, Remus had seen it. He'd heard it. And there was no other sound he had wanted to hear again so badly.
But Lyall had chosen to ignore it, if he even remembered it. Went back to calling his son names, always with disgust, plenty of it. Went back to smoking, and drinking and drugs and stumbling in at stupid hours of the morning, stinking and sweating and murmuring under his breath. Went back to disappearing for days on end only to come back, mess up the house, scare and shout at his son, and then left to do it all over again.
So, when Remus found the courage to come out - exactly two months before Lyall's overdose, he never expected to be locked in his room and yelled at for it. Never expected his father to look so... hurt. He'd screamed at his son, cried, and broken every pencil, glass, and vinyl that Remus had decorated his desk with. Telling him it wasn't right and that he shouldn't be that way, couldn't.
But he'd taken that all back, hadn't he? When he was drunk and high and all things in between, sobbing on their couch and telling his son he loved him and didn't care about those things, didn't mean them.
Remus didn't know what to believe. And he didn't need to, because his father had nearly died and then gone back to ignoring his entire existence. So, no, Lyall Lupin wasn't a bad person, he just did terrible things and he didn't mean them, maybe. But that doesn't matter, because unconditional love doesn't exist and Remus stopped loving his father the moment those hurtful words slipped through his lips, and then all over again when he was half dead in a hospital bed.
He couldn't put up with it anymore, wouldn't. That's when he started taking basketball seriously. That's when he made his plan to get out, and he had done it, thank fuck he had done it. But now, now with one of his friends sibling undergoing the same thing both Remus and Sirius had already been through, now he didn't know if he had made the right choice.
Remus ran away, but Regulus is enduring it. Regulus is stronger than Remus ever was, but Remus still wants to help, yearns for it. And he can't, he can't help because he packed his bags and walked over the line, never looking back.
"Alright Lupin?" It's James who pulls Remus from his thoughts. Always James. He's tying up his laces, face turned over his shoulder watching as Remus looks out into the locker room, not quite paying much attention to the things around him. "Penny for your thoughts?"
Remus shakes his head, helping ground himself as he brings up his hands to wipe at his face. "Nothing, m'fine," and then, "how's Sirius?"
James shrugs, "alright, I think." Then he's standing and jogging slightly on the spot before holding out a hand that Remus takes and pulls him to his feet too. "Won't talk much about it but I know he's worried."
Remus nods at that, but there's not much else he can say. And it doesn't matter anyway, because Hooch is there with a whistle - though she doesn't need it - and blowing furiously.
"C'mon ladies!" She screams at the team, holding the door wide open, "let's win some games."
***
They win the game, because Remus played angry. Which shouldn't be a contributor really, he knows the rules on the court and he certainly tried his best to obey them. But Basketball is basketball and the players have really fucking dirty mouths. It's not his fault he lost his shit, and Hooch made sure he knew that he stepped over the line - banned, for the next three games. But it's fine, it's whatever, because it felt good.
Now, however, in the medical room of their stupid, small, stuffy gym with an ice pack covering his blooming black eye, it does not feel good. He feels like shit and he wants to scream, or he wants to run, or he wants to call his stupid bat-shit crazy father and yell. He wants and he wants, he wants so badly -
The door opens. The sight isn't good, he's sure. Remus sitting on the examiners table with his face staring into the bright white lights, water dripping down his wrist from the ice pack and body shaking with rage. It's not a pretty sight. But James is a saint and doesn't mention it.
He stumbles forward, making sure the door has closed behind him, before he's lifting himself onto the table beside him and nudging his shoulder. "What's going on, mate?"
And it should soothe Remus, but if anything his anger spikes. He doesn't know where to put it, he wants so badly to put it somewhere. To stop fucking cutting and healing and just be done already. It's not fair, life isn't bloody fair and he's tired.
Nobody owes you a happy life, Remus is well aware of that. But sometimes, sometimes he just hopes. He sighs, not facing the boy and snaps, "are you asking me as team captain or as a friend?" and he shouldn't speak that way to James, the guys done nothing wrong. But his angers spilling and he has nowhere to put it.
James doesn't bat an eye at his tone, of course he doesn't. "Whatever one you want me to be, or both. Up to you Remus."
That's not what he expected, but then again he didn't know what he had expected in the first place. He pushes the ice pack tighter, relief filling him at the shooting pain it sends through his bruise. Remus doesn't speak, he doesn't know what to say.
"Is this about Sirius?"
"What!"
He didn't mean to yell, but something about James reaching deep inside of Remus' most hidden parts scares him. Because how on earth had he figured that one out. Really, though, it's not actually about Sirius, James is just on the right line, that's all.
"You've been a bit off," he shrugs simply. "He told me what he told you, and ever since then you've been... off? I don't know, Remus. What's going on?"
He grits his teeth, because it's none of James' business what's going on. Lilys maybe, but not James, never James. He sighs again, dropping the pack and staring down at his lap because he doesn't want to be here, he doesn't want to tell James. He shakes his head, irritation lingering, because he does want to be here and he does want to tell James.
"I wasn't," he starts but he stops just as quickly. Swallowing, he chases his words. "It's not Sirius, well - okay, it is a little bit, stop giving me that look!" James laughs, nudging Remus again. "It just... brought up some memories I'd rather it hadn't. I didn't - I don't really have the best relationship with my dad, and it just reminded me of things. That's all, I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologising Loops?" James asks, grinning at the use of his nickname. Which isn't even his nickname, fuck that.
Remus looks at him then, confused, as if James didn't just play the same game as him. "I-" he starts, but then he doesn't know what to say, because he should be apologising and James is acting as if he doesn't even want Remus to consider that. "I went off, shouldn't have lunged for that guy."
"He said some awful shit," James shrugged again, as if it was just that simple. "I would have done the same thing, was gonna - you just beat me to it, ya bastard."
"You were?" Remus asks, confusion intensifying.
"Remus," and it's so deadpan that Remus feels the need to roll off of the table and curl up into a ball because he's an idiot. Why is it so simple? "All of my friends are a bit bent, if you hadn't noticed," he grins again, "including myself. If I had been closer and he said those words to me, I would've done the same thing, trust me."
When Remus doesn't respond, James takes the pack from his hands and places it back on his eye then pulls it back and examines the bruising. He tuts, throws the pack into the bowl that's sitting on the other side of the table and claps his hands.
"You're allowed to be angry, Remus," he then goes on, sounding small but meaningful. "Whatever hurts, or upsets you, upsets you. Nobody can be the judge of that and however you react to it is your own business. I couldn't give a fuck if you beat the whole team up, not just that guy, because in my opinion they deserved it." And Remus goes to open his mouth then but is immediately cut off. "What I don't want, is you stewing in it. We're mates, all of us, regardless of whether you feel that way. I've got your back and so does the rest of the team. I want you to be able to talk to me if somethings bothering you, or any of us for that matter."
"You're not angry at me?" Remus asks, because he feels like he needs the clarification. His minds swimming.
James shakes his head, "I'm not angry at you," he confirms. "I'm worried about you, and I want you to be able to speak to me, but I'm not angry at you."
There's something about James Potter that just pulls you in, his stupid grin that's so insanely wide, or his wild hair that looks as if it's never touched a hair brush, or just his general aroma. He's sweet, he's understanding and he's just so fucking friendly. Everyone loves him, wants to be his friend, be him or be with him and sometimes it knocks Remus a bit sick, because he hates those kind of people: jocks. But that's a bit of a silly argument considering where he's standing.
He should've known the pull exists the first day on the team, because James had warmed him up and introduced himself with such pleasantry that all of Remus' nerves were wiped clean. He should've known when he had finally convinced him to attend that stupid party, should've known when he invited him over for a movie nights. Should've known. Should've known. Should've known.
But he knows now, and maybe that's why his mouth is moving long before his brain can catch up. He stands no chance against James. "When my mum died, I lost my dad too. He- he, things got messy. He was always drunk, or high, or whatever else there is and it-it wasn't, wasn't very pleasant." He's swallowing down his words, and then he's reaching for them again. "We don't get on, never did. It was all mum. And - and when she left it got worse. He's not very nice, and I dunno, obviously it's hurt me and I wanted out. I got out. I came here, with basketball, with Lily and Marlene and things are good - they're well and it, it just - I don't, things are fine and -"
"Hey," James cuts him off with a nudge, because Remus is breathing heavily and loosing track of his thoughts. "What's happened between Sirius and Regulus has brought up shitty memories, and that's okay. You don't have to hide that from anyone, not from be and not for the sake of it spiralling because of what's going on. You're allowed to be upset, Remus."
"I just," he sighs, picking at the fabric around his thighs, bunched up on the table. "I'm worried about Regulus, about Sirius. I care about him James, and - and I don't mean to bottle this up, but I also don't want it to make him feel bad. It's not his fault, none of this is. I want to be there for him, for both of them and if it's effecting me this much then... then how can I?"
James smiles, it's a sad thing and it's very off-putting on his face, Remus shrinks in on himself. "Y'know," he says, looking across the room at the bulletin board. "Sirius has never spoke to me about his family before," and that definitely takes Remus off guard. "He turned up at my doorstep soaked through at god knows what hour, and I let him in, he was sixteen years old. It's been years, and he hasn't, he's never told me about it. Never told me what happened."
"Never?" Remus asks, and he's whispering, because he doesn't think he's heard that right and he doesn't want to sound stupid.
But James only confirms it, grimacing. "Never. I know they fucked him up, and I'm always so... livid, at them. Always will be. But he's never told me shit, and that's fine, he knows how to deal with himself and I trust him," he pauses for a second, sighing. "What I'm trying to get at, is. Listen, he's not good at talking, I don't think he ever has been. But he spoke to you, you Remus. And I'm glad he did, because he needs someone he can speak to - and If I'm being honest, despite what's going on with his fucked up family, he's been happier since you showed up and I like that, for him. He needs it. So don't," he stops, swallowing. "Don't beat yourself up, okay? He trusts you, and you can talk to him as much as he talks to you, yeah?"
Remus is at a loss for words, to say the least. He didn't know that, doesn't know if he's supposed to. But he's nodding, nodding and nodding. "Okay," he finds himself saying, "yeah, yeah okay."
"Right," James says, jumping down from the table. "You're allowed to be angry, just talk to us - any of us, yeah? C'mon, go home shower and then think about coming round for movies, okay? We want you there."
And it's so final that Remus finds himself nodding again.
***
The fucking smurfs. Those pesky little blue shits. Yep, those ones. The smurfs. That's what they're all watching; curled up in James' apartment, spread out against their living room that's been altered so the couches are facing the television - because for some strange reason, that Remus can't quite comprehend, that wasn't the previous layout. Dorcas and Marlene are curled together on one couch, with a very anxious looking James, who keeps throwing small smiles in Lily's direction, beside them.
Then there's Lily herself, sat beside Peter who looks as if the movie is the most interesting thing in the entire world, both of them wrapped under small fluffy sort of blankets on the other couch - Sirius is with them, though he's curled into the arm of the couch, head resting on the armrest as he does his best to stop his eyes from drooping close, Remus, who has taken it to himself to pull out a beanbag and sit by James' feet across from him, definitely has not spent the majority of the first half of the movie watching him.
He's putting it up to worry, that's all it is. He's worried about Sirius, about Regulus. That's why his eyes haven't left the frame of the boy just a few feet away. That's all it is. But then - no.
There isn't a feeling in his stomach, practically purring at the sight of Sirius all cuddled up and small. There isn't. Or, every time Sirius looks over and meets his gaze, there isn't a sort of pounding in his sternum that wants to get closer, closer, to touch and hold. Hold hold hold hold - there isn't. There aren't hands inside of him, ripping through skin and reaching out for the boy. There's no flush on his cheeks every time Sirius sends him a sweet smile, there isn't a warm bubbly feeling in his chest. It's just... worry.
Remus is worried about Sirius. Yes, it's true. But maybe, the boy settles (somewhere deep inside him where he chooses not to touch) that it's a little bit more than that, too.
He looks back to the screen, watching the blue little fuckers run around. He's never liked the smurfs, but he doesn't... dislike it. Its just not of his preference, but everyone around him seems to be perfectly fine with the movie choice, and a little voice inside his head is thanking the lord that it isn't the stupid fucking Hunger Games.
He's still angry. A small chat with James Potter where he spills all the dirty secrets of his past isn't going to change that. But, being here surrounded by people who have shown him they have nothing for him to be angry for helps. It does. It's soothing, and it's grounding. He almost feels like he's running.
Like he did with Sirius. He's taken one look at his friends, yeah, his friends, and watched as they've all opened their hands, palms up, and offered to share the load. And this time, for once, he's handed bits of it over. And that's all without even having to open his mouth.
Lily knows somethings wrong because, well, of course she does. That's what best friends are for. And James knows too, and he's sure Marlene has a hint. Regardless, he's glad nobody else seems to have caught on, because he doesn't know if he can speak about it again. He's supposed to be over his father, those things happened years ago, he's better, he's fine.
His friends don't have to deal with that, anymore for some - and they shouldn't have to.
But now he's spiralling again. Then, by some stroke of luck, he's given an out.
"Oh man," Peter complains from beneath his blanket, he's looking sadly down at his lap and all heads have now turned to him. He picks up a clear plastic bowl -empty, which wasn't the case five minutes ago- and pouts at his friends. "No more popcorn."
"We've got more in the cupboard," James supplies. "Go microwave some."
"I'll do it," Remus offers immediately, sick of stewing on the stupidly comfortable beanbag. He needs a distraction, things are too...quiet. "Give," and then he makes silly grabby hands at Peter who throws the empty bowl his way as he stands to his feet, the small kernels in the bottom managing to stay put.
They haven't been here long, it's been about an hour - forty minutes into their movie - and Remus does feel bad that he's spent the majority of it spaced out, staring, and stewing. He hates stewing. But the word hasn't left his head since James referred to it as such.
He stretches his arm towards the cabinet above his head, even though he's perfectly capable of reaching it without doing so, and retrieves the two packets of popcorn that remains. Sweet and salty. Now here's a decision to be made, and Remus likes that occurrence because he needs to think about something else.
You see, people who like salted popcorn are fucking weird - because those flavours shouldn't even go together. But, then again, Remus doesn't like popcorn full stop. So, despite his hesitance towards it, he chooses that one because it's Lily's favourite, and Peter and James seem to be a fan too. Placing the sweet back into the cupboard he turns to the microwave and cuts open the packaging, pulling out the deflated bag and placing it inside of the small cooker.
His hands rest on the counter as he watches the machine spin and whirl and make a god awful noise that he's always hated. The orange tint to the light inside colouring his face as he leans towards it. His hands are gripping, knuckles turning white and he's welcoming those thoughts once more, he doesn't want to, but he can't help it.
"I'm sorry, son"
"I love you."
"None of it. Only you."
It makes his blood boil, makes him fucking furious. He's angry at his father, because why - in what world does Remus deserve to be yelled at? Belittled and disregarded and then shown that his father actually loves him the next minute, all simultaneously whilst his organs are failing him. In what world does Sirius and Regulus deserve it?
He never asked if his dad did it on purpose. Doesn't want to know the answer. Sometimes, he hopes it was an accident, that his father never meant to push himself too far, that he didn't expect to have to go to hospital. Because it would make it easier wouldn't it? Because, if that's the case, then his father was saying those words out of regret, out of love, and that he actually meant them.
But...but but but but but.
If it was intentional, if Lyall had really reached that far and didn't see a way out. That means he knew what he was doing. That means he knew that he was saying those words to Remus with the idea of them being his very last. And what does that do for Remus? Does that make things okay? Because, yeah, his father was a shitty father, always, but he apparently didn't mean to be, and he hated himself for it. That was supposed to be his goodbye, what? Telling Remus he didn't care?
Bull-fucking-shit.
So, yeah. Remus is livid, and he has every right to be.
But he was fourteen, and he should be over it by now. His fathers still alive, probably sat in a mangy pub and definitely not sober, because he's never fucking sober and Remus hates it, boils with the hatred. Why couldn't his father just be a good bloody dad. Why?
Why? Why! Why? Why! Why, why why why why why.
It seems as though that's the only question he ever has these days: why? As if it would actually answer anything. This time, Remus hopes bitterly, when his father does kick the bucket, he doesn't say a single word to his son. If you could even call him that. He hopes he goes silently... peacefully.
"Hey," a voice says and Remus startles. He lets go of the counter and turns around as if he's been caught doing something illegal. But then the pounding in his head stops, and his heart beat slows at the smile he's met with. A stupid fucking gorgeous smile. "You okay?"
He knits his eyebrows at that, was he speaking out loud? "What?" Why?
"I think the popcorns done," Sirius says with a soft look, nodding towards the microwave, that Remus notices now, has been blaring and has stopped spinning. But before Remus can make a move to open it, Sirius is squeezing past him, soft hand on his shoulder, and opening the door. He carefully picks up the bag by the corner, trying to avoid the heat of it, before opening it and pouring it into the bowl. "You okay?" He asks again.
Remus shrugs, smiling falsely down at him. "I'm fine," he says in a whisper, careful not to distract the others from the movie. He realises how close Sirius is, their faces inches apart when he looks down. He can feel the boys breath on his neck and it's sending an abundance of goosebumps everywhere. Touch, hold, touch, hold.
Sirius nods, not pushing. But he doesn't make any movement, instead he reaches behind him into the bowl and cradles a handful of popcorn in his palms, slowly picking at it and eating each piece separately. Remus is watching, he doesn't know why, and Sirius doesn't ask.
"Sorry," he decides to say, because he feels like he owes it to Sirius - who is clearly waiting for something. "Heads just a bit of a mess."
"That's okay," Sirius responds without any hesitance. He shrugs, picks at his popcorn and then stands on his toes to look over Remus' shoulder before lowering himself and leaning into the counter behind him. Remus can see a tattoo peak out from beneath the neckline of his shirt, he wants to see them all. "Anything I can do?"
Kiss me, Remus thinks. And then he knits his eyebrows together in confusion, because why is he thinking that now, here? Why, always why why why. He shakes his head, soft smile on his lips, "nothing." And then he apologises again because it feels like the right thing to do, a small, timid, "sorry."
"That's okay," Sirius says again, and it doesn't sound repeated even though they both know it is. He opens his mouth to say something again, but he's cut off by a ringing sound somewhere in the room. Remus watches as Sirius steps away, reaching into his joggers pocket and pulling out his phone. It's just a number, and a crease appears on Sirius' brow line. He answers, putting it on speaker and turning the volume down, "hello?"
"Sirius Black?"
They both shrink at the formality of the woman on the other end of the phone, the pair of them looking at the cell that rests on the counter with confusion. Remus nudges Sirius, because it seems as though he didn't quite hear it, though he knows he did.
"Er," he clears his throat, "yeah. Yeah, speaking?" and drops the rest of the popcorn into the bowl, wiping his hands on his pants.
"My names Poppy," says the voice, in a kind tone. But there's something in the air that neither of them are quite enjoying. "I'm phoning on behalf of Regulus Black, you're his emergency contact."
"Their," Sirius corrects before the words seem to catch up to him. He leans forward, closer. "Wait- wait, what? Why? Where are they?"
"My apologies," says the woman on the other line, seemingly picking up on Sirius' correction despite the panic in his tone. "They're at the hospital, they're okay - no need to worry," which sounds pretty fucking cheap because why the fuck is Regulus at the hospital, Remus thinks. "Can you get here?"
"What?" Sirius asks again, panic raising. He reaches forward immediately, picking up the phone and holding it closer. "I mean, I- yeah, yeah okay. I'll be there shortly."
"Perfect," the woman says on the other end. "If you just come to the main reception I'll be there, I can show you where to go."
"O-okay, yeah. Thank you. Bye."
Remus watches Sirius stare down at the ended call, hand shaking before he quickly pockets his phone. And then he's looking up at Remus with the saddest expression that makes his heart ache. He looks back towards their friends, then at Remus again, then back, and then back.
"Hey hey," Remus whispers, hands immediately going for Sirius' shoulders. "Okay, we need to go to the hospital. But they're okay, Poppy said so. Just breathe Sirius, breathe."
"I," and Sirius doesn't know what to do, that much is obvious. He's frozen on the spot, panicking.
"It's okay," Remus emphasises, giving his shoulders a squeeze. "Go put some shoes on, and a jacket. I'll call a taxi and tell James, you want him to come with you?"
"Fuck," Sirius manages, staring right into Remus' eyes as if he's looking for something, Remus squeezes again. "You. Fuck, okay. Shit. You, please Remus, you?"
Remus nods, understanding. "Me, okay. I'll come with you. Go put some shoes on."
And then Sirius sprints.
Notes:
oop.. free cookies to whoever can guess who the new ravenclaw player is...yes, yes, I have a plan for that!
With chapter five now finished, I'm going to start officially uploading my chapters now - so hi! to anyone reading, how are we??? at the minute I have 19 chapters planned, and an epilogue, maybe I'll add more, maybe not, but there is ur presumed chapter count!
will throw my hands in the air, in surrender and admit that yes, the Loops nickname was included due to sweater weather, oops.
shit...poor Regulus. Poor Sirius. Poor fucking Remus man... this chapter was rough to write... hashtag father trauma, am I right ;))
anyWAY..Regulus is okay! They'll be okay!
Chapter 6: I'm a brother
Summary:
Regulus is in the hospital.
Notes:
The entirety of this chapter is Sirius' POV - I'm not sure if there is gonna be more of a POV change in this fic, if there is it'll only go between Remus and Sirius...so.
With that being said, this is probably the biggest "angstiest" chapter. Sort of. I guess it depends how you guys feel as readers, and any kind of "relations" or "felt" moments between these characters. But from a writers perspective, what I can say is, this one is a tough one - but in my personal opinion I relate more to Remus and his dad...if that makes sense?? so this might not be "top angst" for YOU but it's intended to be the most angst-filled. Other than that, there's not much angst present in this fic. Like my tags say, I wanted a fluffy one.
Chapter warnings:
Hospitals - that's literally the setting for this chapter.
Mentions of overdose
Mentions of drowning
Panic attacks from an outsiders point of view
Mentions of throwing up
Mentions of physical abuse
Misgendering - not purposely, but it's also not really regretted? either.
Mentions of inflicted drug abuse.
Brief mentions of substance use (weed and drinks - literally one line though )
Brief mention of past suicidal thoughts.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Sirius' POV
He can't quite seem to quiet his brain, to get it to stop rutting against the shell of his head, to get his heart to stop hammering in his chest, or to control his breathing that's going at a rapid rate, his body heaving with it. He feels sick, like he might be sick, but he won't if he can help it. They're in the taxi now, and Sirius is trying with everything in him to not yell at the driver to go faster, fucking faster. His legs bouncing, and he just can't help it, okay?
Then he feels the pressure of a hand on his thigh, snapping his eyes from the window to the feeling on his leg. It's a hand, Remus' hand. He looks across the back seats at the boy, the pretty boy who has the softest smile Sirius has ever had the pleasure of watching. Then, he feels sick again.
"They're okay," Remus says, and it's been the only words that have left his mouth in the past ten minutes. If it was anybody else, Sirius would have shouted by now, because that's the most aggravating thing to hear, especially given the situation. But there's some sort of finality that it's said with, that Remus pairs it with, that makes Sirius want to believe him. Then, "we're almost there."
And he's right, because as Sirius looks back out the window, thoughts lingering on the feeling of Remus' hand still on his thigh, he see's that they're barely a block away now. He doesn't think he's ever been this scared before, not when his mother was running fiercely up the stairs at him, not when she had raised her hand the first time, then the last, not when he was running down the streets, barefoot in the rain, to the Potters.
Because this is Regulus, his baby sibling. Regulus, who he's supposed to protect, to look after. He's their emergency fucking contact, for Christ's sake. He has to make sure Regulus is okay, it's his job as their big brother. He's supposed to love, to help, to protect.
And he was watching the fucking smurfs.
Thoughts are spiralling in his head, questions, pleas. Why the fuck is Regulus in the hospital, and why is it him who's been called, not their parents? Then again, says the rational side of his brain - that is somehow working through all of this, Regulus is nineteen, an adult, and if Sirius is their emergency contact then of course they're going to phone him. Not his mother.
Thank god for that.
"Hey," Remus is saying now, tucking a strand of hair behind Sirius' ear in attempts to get his attention. Sirius turns, frowning. "We're here."
And that's all Sirius needs before he's forcing the door open, throwing notes at the driver without a care in the world, and barrelling out of the door. Remus is by his side immediately, racing alongside him as they make their way through the hospitals carpark and straight to the front automatic doors.
They open slowly, too slowly, and then when there's a big enough gap Sirius stumbles through and races down the corridor - not giving his eyes chance to adjust to the bright fluorescent lights. He's stumbling over his own feet as he makes his way to the reception, throwing his arms on the counter as gasps heavily in attempt to catch his breath.
"Name?" The woman behind the desk asks, she's surrounded by a clutter of notebook. Glasses abandoned in her hair that's pulled back into a tight bun, salt and pepper coloured. She doesn't look up when she asks, and Sirius is going to be sick.
"Black," he says immediately, wincing. "Sirius Black."
She hums then, looking down at her files. "Patients name?"
Sirius almost curses, because is that what she was asking in the first place? Or is she just asking because she needs both of them? "Reg- Regulus Black."
"Relation?" She asks, looking up at them. And if that isn't the most stupidest question in the world, Sirius doesn't know what is because they share the same fucking surname for heavens sake.
"Brother," is what he says.
"And," she trails, clicking her tongue. Sirius wants to punch her. "Relation?" She asks again, Sirius fumbles for a second before he realises she's asking Remus this, not him.
"He's with me," Sirius grits out, when he realises Remus doesn't actually know what to say.
But the woman looks unbothered, angry even and Sirius wants to laugh in her face. She squints her eyes at him, as if searching for the answer that she isn't going to get, because honestly, Sirius can't deal with this right now. He just wants Regulus.
"Relation," she just asks again, unmoving.
Sirius exhales angrily, "he's with me."
She tuts, and Sirius' blood is boiling. Looking back down at her clipboards, she crosses something off before meeting his eye again. "Regulus Black is currently having his stomach pumped," she explains without care, not soft like the woman on the phone had. "When he's done we'll call you out. Until then," she looks over to the waiting area, plastic chairs scattered around carelessly, "you'll have to wait."
Sirius doesn't really know what to place his anger on. The total nonchalance to her statement, or the messing up of pronouns that he clarified on the phone. Or maybe the fact she looked at Remus the way she did, whatever way it was. Or maybe, just fucking maybe, it's the fact Regulus is having their stomach pumped and nobody seems to want to clue him in. He's raging with it.
Remus is there the second the anger bubbles again, seemingly realising it. Bringing a hand to Sirius' lower back and turning him towards the chair. He walks, and Sirius goes with him until they're standing above two chairs secluded in the back. Remus lowers him into a chair before sitting himself, beside him.
He doesn't know what to say, doesn't know what to do. His legs bouncing up and down and his hands are running carelessly through his hair. He just wants to see Reggie. That's all he wants.
After a few moments of silence he looks over at Remus, finding a sense of calm in the boys expression. He's worried too, Sirius can see that, but he's being collected for Sirius' sake and he's never been appreciative of anything more. "Did you tell James?" He finds himself asking, because it's just occurred to him that he didn't.
Remus nods, reaching into the pocket of his jacket before sliding it open and then handing it over. Sirius looks down at it for a second, confused, until he realises it's his and James' messaging that he's...showing Sirius? For some reason. Despite that, he takes the phone, scrolling through them.
[ James ]
Remus
sorry
regulus is in hospital
everything happened so quick
will keep you updated
James
shit
they okay? do u know
pads alright?
yeah yh, lmk
Remus
says they're alright
just about to get there
will msg u
Sirius hands the phone back, nodding, then smiling slightly. Silently grateful Remus didn't answer the question of his well-being on his behalf, and to be honest, he doesn't know how he's feeling anyway. He can't really comprehend it right now, he just wants Regulus and he wants them to be okay and he wants to know what happened.
Luckily, he doesn't have to wait long because a taller woman, a wrinkled face and kind green eyes makes her way towards them. Her greying hair is tied into a long sort of ponytail and she has a clipboard in hand. She finds them, smiles and then comes to a pause in front of them, asking, "here for Regulus?"
Sirius nods, only nods. Because he can't quite gather his words right now, he's working in autopilot. Where's Regulus? How are they? Will they be okay?
"I'm Poppy," she explains, and something inside of Sirius settles slightly because it's Poppy. Poppy, the kind woman on the phone, the one who called in the first place. "I'm sorry everything's happened so suddenly," and she doesn't need to apologise - but she does, and Sirius nods again. "They're currently undergoing gastric suction, though they should be out any minute now. I just want to fill you in on everything that's happened, is that okay?"
"Y-yeah," Sirius clears his throat. Focussing on the quiet presence beside him, because he doesn't know what else to do and Remus is grounding. "Please."
She nods, then pulls up a chair and crosses one leg over the other. "We got a call from one of Regulus' friends, a young woman - she's around here somewhere and I'll point her in your direction when I see her. That is," she pauses, looking over her shoulder, "if she doesn't find you first."
Sirius nods, understanding. Though he has no idea who this young girl can be, because Regulus has never mentioned any of their friends before.
Poppy looks back at them, a soft smile still lingering on her face. "Regulus was found beside the riverbank, at the minute we're suspecting pneumonia, the police," she pauses again, "naturally, are involved. We don't know how h-they ended up there, but I assure you the police are investigating. That might be where the young woman is now. But when Regulus did get here, they found signs of a potential overdose-"
Remus hisses beside him, and he doesn't know why but Sirius reaches out a hand, squeezing and hoping it brings him as much comfort as it did himself in the kitchen. Remus squeezes back, Sirius takes it as a good sign.
"We're not sure if it was intentional or not, that will have to wait until they're awake," she says calmly. Sirius is feeling it in his stomach though, the bile rising and the irony taste on his tongue. He hopes, he hopes hopes hopes. "That's what the stomach pumping is for, we're trying to clear their system. We don't know when they'll wake up from it, but it was nothing too severe and they should come around soon. I have to ask though," she swallows, almost regretfully. "If you have any information you can give us regarding your siblings mental health, if you think this may have been something planned or not."
Sirius sucks in air through his teeth, because he definitely wasn't expecting that question. "I-I don't. I'm not sure. Maybe?"
Poppy nods, writing down something in her clipboard and it makes Sirius uneasy. Because, really, what the actual fuck is going on? She looks up at him again, smiles, and continues, "we'll have to hold them for a few days, just to make sure everything's out of their system. They'll be hooked up to an IV, of course and will most likely be questioned by the police officers when they come around."
Sirius nods again, he's understanding but no less worried. "What," he coughs, "what-erm, if it was- was intentional? What happens then?"
"They're nineteen," she explains simply. And now Sirius is lost, though she see's it on his face and continues. "Usually, we'd advise they look into phycological hospitalisation, given they can't or are not currently keeping themself safe. We'll have our psychologist speak to them and see what they think should be our next step, given Regulus complies. There will, however, be a seventy two hour hold in place, if that is the case. But we cannot force them to stay for longer if they do not wish to do so."
"O-okay," Sirius says, clutching onto Remus' hand harder and it could be for either his of Remus' support. Or both. He doesn't know at this point. "Yeah, okay."
"Before I go," Poppy says, looking between the two and Sirius really hopes she isn't going to bring it up, but of course she does. In her own way. "You might want to tell the front desk your two's relation," and there's a slight smirk on her face as she looks between Remus and Sirius. "Regardless if you make anything up, they won't let your friend here through if he's not in any relation to the patient."
Sirius cringes, because he's pretty sure Poppy has just suggested telling the woman at the front desk that Remus is Regulus' boyfriend. And something ugly simmers in the depths of his stomach at even the idea of that. He laughs, incredibly, and then shakes away the feeling with a grimace.
"As well as that," she says - sternly this time. "It's come to my notice that you're Regulus' emergency contact. And you're their brother, not their parent. Do we need to phone them too?"
"No," Sirius says immediately, barely aware of the sudden integrity to his voice. "Sorry, no. No that won't be necessary."
Poppy nods, standing to her feet and hugging at her clipboard. "The wait won't be too long, there's a coffee machine down the hall and a vending machine further on if you need anything."
Sirius thanks her, watches her leave before turning to Remus - who has an unreadable expression on his face. His hands are picking at the hem of his jumper in thought, and it seems as though he's panicking slightly.
"Hey hey," Sirius says quickly, worry written all over his face. "Are you okay?"
Remus looks up quickly, as if caught in headlights and something flashes across his face. He stands, letting go of Sirius' hand. "Air," is what he mumbles before practically racing towards the doors and out into the parking lot.
It doesn't cross his mind that Sirius might miss the friend Poppy mentioned, or even another doctor or nurse with more information. He's up in seconds and following Remus outside.
He's crouched when he finds him, leaning against the brick wall with his head in his hands. Sirius can see how heavily he's breathing, and when he gets closer and Remus looks up there are tears in his eyes.
Sirius kneels in front of him, eyes looking all over Remus as he watches the boy panic, struggling to get air to his lungs as his shoulders shake and Sirius doesn't know what's brought it on, but he can see exactly what it is. He's seen it before. On Regulus. In the mirror. His chest aches.
"Hey, Remus. Hey," he's reaching out for his shoulders, gripping them tightly in attempts to pull Remus back. "Look at me, look, Remus," it's urgent and it's jumpy, his tone, but it gets Remus' attention and that's all he wants. Brown eyes, scared and small, meet his grey almost in a pleading sort of way. "Breathe, okay - with me, in and out."
Remus does.
"Okay, yeah?" Sirius asks, though he understands Remus can't exactly answer him right now. He nods his head at him, squeezing tighter and making a show of breathing in and out, "count with me, yeah?"
Remus nods, barely.
"One," Sirius says.
"Wo-hn," Remus copies. Sucking in sharply.
"Two," Sirius continues, pointing his fingers up whilst he breaths in.
"T-to," Remus copies.
"That's good," he encourages, "three."
"Thre-th."
"Four."
"Fo-r"
"Five."
"Fi-fiv"
"Six."
"Six."
"Seven."
"Sev-seven."
"Eight."
"Eight."
"Nine."
"Nine."
"Ten."
"Ten."
"Good, good," Sirius finishes, watching as Remus seems to come back to himself, calm breathing returning. "Hey, you're okay. It's okay."
"Where," Remus swallows, struggling. "Whe-where. We're?"
"We're at the hospital," Sirius confirms, and something scared shows in Remus' face so he continues, "Regulus was brought here. You brought me. It's okay, we're okay, you're okay."
"Fuck," Remus says next, dropping his head back against the wall. "I'm sorry."
"Hey no, none of that," Sirius shakes his head with genuine disagreement. "It's okay Remus, it's fine."
He leans forward then, cradling his head in his hands once more. Sirius waits, he'll always wait. Eventually, after a few minutes of silence, Remus sucks in a huge amount of air, looking up at Sirius with tear stricken eyes - Sirius wants to reach out and wipe them away, so he does. Then, because he feels like he needs to, he leans closer and rests his forehead against Remus'. "It's alright, c'mon, lets get you some water."
They, after a few more seconds, make their way back inside. Returning to the waiting area after retrieving water for Remus and begin their wait.
***
"Hey," a voice above him says, and Sirius looks up so quick, because he's never heard that voice before and it might be someone with more information, that it sort of hurts. He winces, rubs at the back of his neck and passes Remus his phone - because he had been playing games on it for the past thirty minutes, something Remus originally offered to get Sirius' brain to quite down. "Are you Regulus' brother?"
"Yeah, that's me," Sirius confirms.
He watches as she pulls up a chair, an oversized jacket that he immediately recognises as Regulus' over her small frame. Her hairs a platinum blonde, long enough that she sits on it, but pays it no mind either way. Her skin is dark and littered in freckles that paint her face in a kind manner, Sirius notices - and it's a given, really, that she's Regulus' friend.
"I'm Pandora," she introduces with a smile, though she makes no movement with it. Then again, Sirius wasn't expecting a hand shake. "I'm sorry I didn't get to you guys sooner, I was with the police."
Sirius winces at that, because he had completely forgot they were involved. "That's okay," he says, because it is - she was busy. "Wh-what, if you don't mind retelling the story, happened?"
She smiles softer at that, shaking her head and he's surprised at her maturity. "Of course I will," she says, laying her hands in her lap and Sirius notices the abundance of beaded bracelets that litter her wrists. "When was the last time you spoke to them?"
"About a month ago, maybe," he says because despite it hurting, it's the truth. "I've tried calling, messaging - they haven't been answering me."
"That makes sense," she nods, and it really doesn't so Sirius arches a brow. "They don't have a phone, left it at their parents house."
"Left it?" Sirius asks, leaning back in his chair. Suddenly feeling much more alert, because, well, what? "What do you mean, left it?"
Pandora sighs, something like anger flickering in her eyes. "Regulus showed up at mine a few weeks ago," and Sirius is instantly reminded of him showing up at the Potters doorstep all those years ago.
"James!" Sirius cries, clutching at his arm that's dripping with blood. His head hurts, has been for the past hour now at least. He can't breathe, there are tears in his eyes and his feet are frozen from the snow that's littering the pavements. He should have put shoes on. "James," his voice cracks as he pounds on the door, harder, "James- ple-please!"
The front door swings open, a look of shock flashing across James' face as he takes in the sight of his best friend, bloody and bruised. "Fuck, Sirius?" He asks, and then he's launching himself off of his doorstep and pulling Sirius in. Whispering soothing things as Sirius sobs in his friends hold, crying into his shoulder. "What happened?"
"I-I can't," he stutters, pulling away from James and wiping at his eyes. "I can't go back, James. I can't. Don't make me go back."
"Woah woah," the boy says, arms coming up in surrender. "I'm not making you do anything, Pads." He confirms, pulling the boy closer once again. "Fuck. Come on, you're going to die of pneumonia, inside, inside."
"They weren't kicked out or anything," Pandora says, pulling Sirius back. "But it bloody well sounds like they were. They've been staying at mine since. Won't tell me what happened, all I know is their mother lunged for them and they just...ran afterwards. Turned up bruised and everything. I'm sorry."
"Fucking hell," he grits his teeth, anger rising once more. "I'm going to fucking kill her, mark my words."
"I'll help," Pandora laughs, but this isn't a laughing matter though she sounds genuine enough. Sirius likes her. "We were out, with friends," she then goes on, presumably about the events of tonight. "We were out at a bar with my brother and his friend. And they were smoking, of course they were - they're idiots. Regulus didn't want to, and they weren't pushed to. My brothers a right bitch but he wouldn't force anyone.
Doesn't matter anyway. It made Regulus feel a bit sick so they went outside for some air." Sirius really just wants her to get to the point, he nods his head, following. "Me and my partner, Xeno, went to find them and they were just...gone. So we're looking around for them, and - and we don't know where they could've gone. Because I'd messaged my roommate and they hadn't gone back there, so we just kept searching." She inhales deeply, she's struggling but continues anyway.
"We found a group of teenagers by the bridge a few blocks away, they were talking about drugs and someone swimming - I - I don't know. I can't, I'm sorry," she shakes her head, running a hand through her blonde hair. "Xeno found Regulus, they're with the police now, confirming my story. They were just floating, in the river and Xeno just threw themselves in after them. It was all.. it was all so much, so fast. I can't."
She ends up frustrated at herself, pulling on her hair. Sirius reaches out, holding her wrists away in his hands. He nods, "It's okay, Pandora. Take your time."
Pandora swallows, shakes her head again and then speaks, "I think they drugged them. I'm not sure. And I don't even know with what, or with how much because you can't just overdose that quickly, can you? I don't know. But they weren't responding when Xeno pulled them out of the river. I couldn't - I couldn't even think. Xeno called the ambulance and we rode in it with them. They woke up halfway through, yelled something about their mum and threw up. Passed out immediately after."
"The police," she says short of breath before inhaling again. "They're looking for the guys who did it, and I hope with every fibre of my being that they find them otherwise I'll kill them myself. I haven't told your parents, I don't - they just want you, I presume. I'm sorry."
This time, Sirius does throw up.
It's the early hours of the morning when they're given more details. The suns on it's rise outside, painting the stingy waiting area in a yellow glow. Sirius half asleep, leaning across the chairs onto Remus' shoulder. Xeno, who introduced themselves as a longer, more mouth-full of a name, came over as soon as they were finished talking to the police. And even then, they wanted more information on who Sirius and Remus actually were. Sirius didn't lie about Remus, and the police didn't seem to care anyway.
It's Poppy who seeks them out, clipboard forgotten, and arms hugging around her slim waist, she's all bright smiles and sympathy when she finds them still curled up in the corner, half asleep and worried. "I'm terribly sorry for the wait," is the first thing she says. "Regulus is awake and doing well, they're hooked up at the minute, but other than that they seem okay. We do need to have another conversation with them, when they're feeling up to it." And Sirius knows what she means, by the sad look in her eye. "But until then, you're more than welcome to go and see them. I can show you."
He stands on his feet immediately, all previous sleepiness forgotten, and hugs his jacket closer. "Yes, please," he says quickly, looking around at the small crowd of the room, "erm."
"We'll stay here," Remus offers kindly, because of course he does, Sirius realises, he's kind, soft, Remus. Remus who got him here safely, who kept him calm, who offered him the fucking games on his phone despite obviously feeling anxious here. "Take your time."
Sirius nods, grateful, and turns back to Poppy. "Let's go then," the woman says softly, turning and making her way towards the heavy doors that were facing them the entire time. She walks quickly, and silently, just a few steps in front of him and before he knows it they're turning a final corner and walking straight towards a single door at the end. There's a notice outside the room, with Regulus' name written in cursive hand writing that looks vaguely familiar to their own.
"Regulus," Poppy whispers almost, poking her head inside rather than walking straight in. "Your brothers come to see you, is that okay?"
Sirius doesn't catch Regulus' response to that, but given the fact Poppy opens the door wider and stands to the side to let him past, he presumes it was something welcoming. "I'll let you two talk," she says, backing back out into the hallway, "if you need anything, just give me a shout."
"Thank you," Sirius smiles as he passes her into the room, heading straight for Regulus' bedside. The door closes behind him and he immediately leans over and wraps Regulus into the tightest hugs he's probably ever initiated. Simply breathing in his siblings scent, knowing their safe now, and just as eager to see him if the tight arms that wrap around him says anything for it. "Fucking hell, Reg," he breathes in relief.
"I'm sorry," they murmur in response, holding tighter. "I'm so sorry, Sirius. I can't - I don't, fuck. I'm sorry."
"No," Sirius ends their rambling, wincing at their hoarse throat, from lack of use. He pulls back, bringing his hands up to cup Regulus' face, looking over them instantly, their pale face and cold skin, the bags beneath their eyes. "Don't you dare apologise. I'm just glad you're okay."
Tears brim in Regulus' eyes, pleading for their escape. But they simply shake their head, willing them to go away - Sirius barely see's Regulus cry anymore, or better yet, hears it. When they were both younger, Regulus was always the "soft" one, Sirius remembers having to hold a burial in their cagey back garden for a rabbit that had stumbled through their garden and passed during the winter. Because Reg had insisted. That's the Regulus that Sirius knew. Not whatever had changed them during their lonely stay with the Blacks.
That's the Regulus Sirius wanted back, not that he'd be opposed to any other Regulus. He just wanted his younger sibling back with him, away from the corrosiveness of their childhood home, the anger. It had been a long time coming, and ever since Sirius himself had left, there hadn't been a day that went by where they didn't want to go back and grab Regulus, bringing them with him. He should have done it a long time ago, should have forced them to run away with him.
But he didn't, and now, he supposed, he was paying the consequences to his own actions. He couldn't control the whirlwind of what if, what if he had brought them with in the first place, what if he had gone back for them, what if what if what if what if.
He let go, sitting down in the chair beside their bed and reaching out for their hand. Rubbing soothing circles onto the back of a closed fist. "You are ... okay, right?"
Regulus looked across at him then, eyebrows knitted together as they took in their brothers appearance. Sirius felt his stomach fall out completely at that, worry eating him from the inside out, anxiety spiking throughout his sudden goosebumps.
"Reg," he whispered, barely audible for either party. But they heard it, and Sirius knew he had said it, because the tears appeared once more, threatening to fall.
"I didn't," they shook their head, releasing Sirius' touch in favour of wiping at their face. "I didn't do this myself, if that's what you're asking," and there was a sense of anger behind their words, because yeah - Sirius couldn't imagine doing something like this to himself, but he'd had similar thoughts in his youth, ones he never acted on, and had no further intention of doing so. But there was always the what if. And he wanted - no, needed Regulus to be safe. From the people around them and from themself, if it came to that.
"Okay," Sirius nodded, breathlessly as the word tumbled out of his mouth. "Okay, I believe you. I just - I had to check, please don't be angry at me."
"I am angry at you," Regulus admitted, soft and quiet. Which was quite a contradiction to what they had said. Sirius' heart churned from inside his body, aching at the honesty. He snapped his gaze up to meet Regulus', a pleading look taking over. "Not. I'm not angry at that, Sirius. And- and I don't know if it's you that I'm angry at. I'm just... angry."
Nodding, Sirius reeled in a bit of the surprise, the longing. Regulus didn't think they were angry at him, though they were still angry nonetheless. "I met Pandora," he decided on, leaning further into his chair. He wasn't used to this sort of conversation between the two, neither of them (for years) had ever been quite an open book. But it was a necessity here, Sirius needed Regulus to be safe, and that meant honesty, it meant compassion and empathy and safety. They had to be able to find that within each other, for the sake of their relationship, for the sake of getting Regulus out. Now, more than ever, Sirius craved the honesty, because it was the only thing that would help. Despite the hesitation for it. "She told me you've been staying with her?"
The conversation could go various ways, though by the look on Regulus' face they knew what he was hinting at. But Sirius gave them the power, wanted them to be open in their own time and on their own terms. This conversation would go Regulus' way. He just hoped they could be honest, give in to the trust they had shared so passionately as kids.
"I," Regulus dropped their head, thumbing at the white blanket that covered them. Their hair was a mess with grease and knots, a hospital gown covering their bony figure - something their parents took pride in looking like, skeletal. "Yes," they nodded. Then they wiped at their eyes again. "Things got harder after you left," they breathed in deeply, uneasy with the conversation already. Sirius didn't want to make them uncomfortable, but he needed to know what happened. If he could put it on pause, he would. "Not straight away, though mother got more strict. She pulled me out of school, you know? Home-schooled me and never really let me leave the house. But she was eager to show me off to her business partners, all those stupid dinners and gatherings."
They laughed then, a grim thing. "She started throwing those stupid dances, balls. Dad was promoted even further a few years after you left, so they had to impress all of their colleagues, put their names...further out there."
Sirius wasn't a stranger to their parents' works, nor the amount of money in their bank accounts. They had a name for themselves, The Blacks, had done for centuries. It was always Walburga's dream to carry on the business that her great-great-grandfather had begun, and Orion fit nicely into that plan. Sirius and Regulus were exposed to it extremely in their youth, exploited to the businessmen and women that would nosy too far into their personal lives. But, with Walburga, there was nothing personal about anything.
Everything had to be professional, put on, a show. And kids could only do so much with that. She liked things all pristine and shiny, whether that was her children's diets, their manners, the way they held themselves, from posture to outfits. Sirius was least likely, compared to Regulus, to fall in line and he always had been. Though, he was more aware of the physical occurrences, the treatment regarding their "bad behaviour". Sirius was Walburga's puppet, and he had been trying to snap those strings for years before he ran away. Regulus fell in line, let them pull in whatever direction.
They were always the golden child in comparison. And, well if it kept them away from the claws of their mother than Sirius would do it over and over again, in any universe. He was a big brother after all, that's what he was made for. He'd never imagined it would get bad, towards Regulus, when he left. The thought never even crossed his mind, and now he felt as though he'd be sick again. Guilt shredded through his skin, ran through his blood and encased his heart in a sharp jolt. He'd never want that for Regulus, and with him leaving he had practically handed it to them on a silver platter.
"Anyway," Regulus continued, pulling Sirius out of the spiral of his own thoughts. "Things got bad. She yelled more, father didn't stop her, and she started...well, I can see why you always hated them," and Sirius winced at that, sucking in air through his teeth. He was raging with anger once again, the sudden urge to punch something materialised. "It was never as bad, I don't think. But me coming out definitely didn't help. I didn't - I, I didn't even come out."
"It was a mistake," they said after a brief pause, running a hand furiously through their curls. "I was talking to Pandora, and she, well her partner Xeno had been contemplating it. And they were speaking to me about it. Turns out mummy dearest was listening from outside my room. It's not their fault, no, but I mean - it wouldn't have happened if that phone call never did."
"I don't, well I don't blame them. Neither of them," they fiddled at the IV in their arm for a second, pulling on it slightly. "Mums just...mum. But we argued, well she yelled. And then she mentioned you and I just... lost it, I guess. And she went feral. Yeah, that's a good way to describe it."
"Orion?" Sirius asked, hesitantly. But, again, these things needed to be said.
Regulus frowned, looking at the window over Sirius' shoulder. "Locked us in his study and just...yeah. Guess I should have taken you seriously with your fear of belts," they chucked darkly, zoning in to one spot outside the glass with their eyes. "They finally called me down for dinner three days later, and just...all hell broke loose. She lunged for me and I just... ran. Didn't even pack a bag, left my phone, and ran."
"Reg," Sirius said on an exhale, body running cold. He'd seen it before, with their parents, he'd lived it for Christ's sake. But never, ever, imagined Regulus being on the receiving end. His blood boiled with anger, though the sympathy, the pain, for his sibling ruled it out. And would continued to do so, until Sirius had the chance to be angry. "I'm, I'm so so-"
"I'm not angry at you," Regulus cut him off bitterly. "I'm angry at the world, you're apart of the world Sirius. I'm angry at myself, for not believing you, for trying to get you to get over it," they hiccupped on that, regret on their tongue. "I'm angry at mum and dad, and I'm just...angry. I'm tired and I'm scared."
"Regulus," he said again, a constant pain in his tone. Lunging forward, he engulfed them in a hug, and then settled further into the actual bed, beneath the tacky cover and pulled them towards him, holding them safely in his arms. Always. "I'm getting you out. Permanently. You can come with me, me and James have our own place. Or," he hesitated at his next words, it wasn't ideal, he didn't want Regulus out of his sight, but this wasn't about him. "Or - or you, erm, you can stay with Pandora if you prefer, I like her. But I want to be in your life, Reg. I can get you clothes and a phone and... whatever you need. I'm here, okay? I'm here."
"Sirius," Regulus sighed, a small whine in their tone. Their own arms wrapping tighter around Sirius' bigger frame. "I l," the words died on their tongue, though it went unheard.
"Yeah Reg," Sirius nodded, resting his chin atop their head, pulling them closer. "Yeah. I love you too, Reggie."
***
They stayed like that for a long time, simply just existing in each others space, breathing in the same air. Regulus had fallen asleep, not too long ago, and the sun was still in the sky - so it wasn't that late. But Sirius supposed he should be doing something. Carefully, he tiptoed out of the bed, careful to disturb his sibling and padded over to the door. He'd update the others, maybe give James a ring and get some coffee. It had been a long day, or just over so, and god knows he could use it. Regulus too, despite their distaste for it.
Closing the door behind him, he made his way quickly back down all the winding corridors and towards the waiting area. That's when it happened, when recognition immediately bloomed in his chest at the raised voices he heard. Goosebumps prickled over cold skin, his stomach fell and his head ached with the emotional turmoil of the past few hours. Not now, please, please not now.
"I won't let you come near them!" Pandora was yelling throughout the half-way empty hospital. Xeno was clinging fiercely to her side, and even Remus had stood from his seat at the scene unfolding. "You have no right!"
"I have no right?" A voice laughed back at her, distaste evident in the older woman's tone. Sirius cursed internally, turning the final corner and watching as Walburga pushed forward, an accusing finger raised in Pandora's direction. He could see the anger on her face, the same look in her eyes she'd give Sirius when they fought back and forth. "That is my son in there! Of course I have the right!"
"They stopped being your anything a long time ago," Sirius called from across the room, sliding elegantly beside Pandora, hands shoved carelessly into the pockets of his black jeans, beltless.
"You," Walburga seethed, anger intensifying as she lingered on the others frame, looking him up and down in a disgusted manner. Her gaze was stone cold, matching the tight dark dress that clung to her frame, hair long and tied back in a braid hard enough to mark if hit with. Sirius cringed. Too many memories of his mothers hurtful touch running rampant. "And what?" She laughed, moving further into his personal space, disregarding her previous argument with Pandora. "He's anything to you? Fat chance, Sirius."
Orion, who was surprisingly not present, gave Walburga zero ammunition here, considering he had left her to deal with alone. Sirius thrived with the advantage, not only were they in public, Sirius had more people present here with him then she had ever known in her entire life. It was incredibly rewarding.
"They're everything to me," he fought right back, giving as much tasteful anger as much as he received. "And they always will be. You have no business here, not after what you did to them."
"After what I did for him!" She near screamed, staring angrily down at her ex-son. It was nowhere near as intimidating as it used to be, facing off his mother, sure she was slightly taller, but there was none of that childlike fear present, not anymore. "You left him, you!" and, okay yeah, admittedly that one stung a little. "You left all of us, your family, because you thought you were better than us! Because you had deluded yourself, that Potter boy had deluded you! You left, Sirius, you can't blame that on anyone but yourself. I have more a right then you ever will to see him. He's my son!"
"They're my sibling!" He yelled, pushing himself forward. Anger raging, bubbling, leaking right out of him. "And I am putting them first, giving them what they have deserved their entire life! Something you were never capable of doing. You do not deserve to see them, and you never will!"
"With what," she laughed, chest heaving as she closed in further. They were barely an inch away from one another now, nearly touching. "You have nothing to give, Sirius. You never have and you never will," she smirked down at him, playing with heart strings. "You are nothing. You are incapable of love and you have nothing to give to him. You're selfish, and you're a coward."
Sirius' chest was screaming in pain, swallowing down her words and feeling them stick to his insides like glue. They stung, they always will, and maybe she was right, but that wouldn't stop him from keeping her away from Regulus, not after the stories he had been told. He swallowed down the lump that had risen in his throat and exhaled calmly, taking a step back. "You aren't going to see them. Ever again. So I suggest you turn around and crawl back to whatever hole you dug yourself out of and leave them, leave us alone."
"And what's going to stop me, Sirius?" She asked, face red with rage. "You? As if you could even come close. I have more than what you're ever going to be capable of obtaining. I have the power to strip you down, limb by limb. And I won't hesitate," she informed, an evil tone in her voice. "He is my son, he will come with me and he will continue to behave. Or so help me Sirius, you will pay."
It was true, it was all so very frighteningly true. But Sirius refused to make the same mistake again, he'd never let Regulus go back there. Never even entertain the idea. They were out, and they'd stay out. He'd do anything and everything in his power to keep it that way.
"You can pay whatever snobbish cunts you have wrapped around your ugly finger," he said in a restricted tone, unable to let his anger show. "You can call whatever lawyers or deluded authorities you have under your hold. You can search the entire world by foot yourself. But mark my words Walburga, I am never letting Regulus back into your hand. Ever."
"Are you threatening me, Sirius?" She said with a laugh, sticking out her chin at his statement. Standing higher, her back straight as she writhed under his words. "I feel no fear, especially from you. I can have you in his place in seconds. And I won't hesitate to."
"I'm promising you," he growled right back, stepping further and matching her gaze. His head spinning as her words worked through his soul, chittering away his bones and clinging to his flesh like a magnet. The fear rolled around freely, paired with a burning anger that only she seemed capable of pulling out of him.
"You did this to them," Pandora voiced. She had taken a few steps back, face paling and fist clenching at her side. Sirius looked across at her in confusion, mind spinning. "You - oh, you evil woman!" She screeched.
Sirius jaw hung loose, dropping what felt like ten feet. His blood ran cold, eyes widening at Pandora's assumption - but it wasn't really an assumption, was it? No, she had confirmed it herself, Walburga had used the same threat on Sirius. She had practically admitted it.
He turned back to her, watching as the emotions on her face changed - she had called herself out, and she had realised it. Though she wasn't backing down, her face hardened once more, opening her mouth to speak. "You," Sirius breathed, cutting her off. "For the sake of your own safety I suggest you leave."
It was a warning, the anger blatantly obvious with his tone, his volume. A whisper could be just as threatening as a scream, the same even.
She turned to him once more, a smug smirk replacing her fear. "Really?" She asked, tiptoeing closer in a familiar stance she used to pair against him. The same slow, antagonising walk she'd complete when her violence occurred. Sirius recognised it instantly, relishing in the emotion present. This time he didn't cower again from his mothers fist, instead he welcomed the thought. "You're pathetic Sirius. This delusion is incredibly immature."
"I'm warning you, Walburga," he spat, gritting his teeth as she inched closer. It felt like just the two of them in the room. Face to face in their anger that was so alike, so akin to one another.
"No." She said, simply. "I'm warning you."
Everything afterwards happened far too fast to write on paper. Once seconds they were breathing each others air, seething with it. Threatening one another. And the second she had lunged forward, fists raised though, Sirius preparation for the impact was no use. Because no impact had come at all.
One second his mother was spitting threats, the next she was completely oblivious to the people surrounding them as she began her attack. And the third...fucking hell, the third.
Pandora had reached for Sirius' arm, pulling him back from the mad woman whilst someone else had lunged forward from behind him, stopping the impact from meeting his own skin, standing in the way of the fight. Sirius gasped, watching in shock as his mothers raised fist stopped mid-air, being held high above her head and trembling as she struggled against the hold.
Her body was turned scarily quick, back pressed hard against another chest. Her screams littering the halls as she fought against the stronger, bolder, broader hold. She writhed, in attempts to spin round and finish what she had started.
Words dying on her tongue as she was forced to a still, head pressed against her ear. "I suggest you walk away, Mrs Black," Remus whispered into her ear, skin pressed against skin as his rage littered the waiting room of the hospital. "Because I am not afraid of a jail cell," he continued, pushing her forward slightly, but not enough to let go of the upper-hand he seemed to confidently hold. "And if you-," she pushed against his hold, to which he only hardened his own, "-ever come near either of them again. I'll make sure you have no hands left to raise."
Sirius' words died on his tongue, him and Pandora still beside one another as they watched the scene unfold. Walburga remained silent in Remus' hold, clearly shocked at the new presence she was so careless to ignore, shocked at the lack of knowledge of who it even was threatening her.
Remus pushed her forward, seemingly finished with her antics, and comfortable enough with her defeat to let her go. She didn't turn around, not wanting to show her fear to the people around them. Instead, she huffed a heavy breath and paced forward, heals clicking on the hard floor. Sirius watched, silently, as she turned and walked straight through the doors of the hospital, away from whatever mess she had created.
Pandora exhaled from beside him, Xeno at her side within seconds and reaching out to cup her face. Remus turned around, a look on his face Sirius had never seen before, something that practically yelled rage. Sirius' mouth went dry, a fluttering feeling low in his stomach as his mother walked away, as Remus' worried eyes met his own.
"Jesus fucking Christ."
Notes:
Well...yeah :D
I'll admit, I didn't really WANT Remus to get involved, nor straight up threaten Walburga but...it just sort of happened lol. And he had good reason, miss ma'am was watching the lohl get threatened and he was ANGRY. His poor emotions with being at the hospital, reminding him of his dad and then BOOM the witch appears. Christ.
Poor Sirius and Regulus! Don't worry guys, Reggie is okay! And they're reunited! They'll be okay together!
I see you Sirius... your little butterflies at Remus' "show" hehe. Whats that about huh?
Okay, okay. I do want to apologise for the jam-packed angst chapter. I always had something similar planned for this fic, for the sake of Regulus' includence, and Sirius' personal...issues. So there HAD to be Black family angst, I just didn't know how sirius (:D) I wanted to make it. But that's it, pretty much! There will still be a bit of angsty things but nothing as bad (in the PRESENT time).
Chapter 7: Halloween
Summary:
Remus despises Halloween costumes...until, well, he doesn't ;)
Notes:
Back to Remus' POV! :D
Halloween chapter! Costumes, drinking... and maybe more ;)
Fair warning, I've never dressed up for halloween before, the costumes may be shit ideas but oh well, as well as that something incredibly silly happens in this chapter because why the fuck not. You'll know it when you see it lol, gotta love our Loops.No warning for this chapter! Or, well, drinking but... hey thats a given?
Oh! And a fight! (kind of) ... yeah, a fight. Nothing is SAID it's obvious the character was being homophobic.
on the bright side, we get drunk Remus this chapter!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Remus stayed at the hospital with Sirius for the next two days before he was somehow convinced to go home. It was true, however, and Sirius had caught on to how much discomfort actually being at the hospital brought Remus - though he never asked the reasoning behind it, and Remus was more than grateful for that. It wasn't exactly that he didn't want to tell Sirius about his dad, though it wasn't something he would just randomly add to conversation, it was simply the fact they were all tired, and incredibly on edge: Walburga.
She hadn't reached out, nor had she turned up at the hospital since. Regulus had mentioned how it most likely spooked her ( they had filled them in on what had happened. Or, well, Sirius had seemed pretty enthusiastic to retell Remus' actions towards the woman ), she had never had someone speak to her in such a way, minus Sirius, of course. She was put out, and both Black siblings seemed pretty thankful for it.
It didn't stop Sirius from worrying though, Walburga was a very capable, patronising and powerful woman. The good side to that ordeal, however, was she at least needed a name in order to inflict terror on people's lives. Remus wasn't entirely in the clear, far from it actually, but he wasn't really at risk either. Walburga didn't know who he was, clearly didn't know what he looked like and considering she had no part in her children's lives anymore, they were all pretty contempt with the idea she was never going to. Sirius had sworn it.
What had surprised Sirius the most, it seemed, was the fact Regulus and Remus immediately clicked. It was weird, from his position, to say the least. Remus had never even met Regulus before, but the kid was perfectly fine with interacting with him. They even went as far as connecting over literature, when Remus had brought in some books to keep Regulus occupied during the day.
It was essential, according to Poppy, that Regulus had to stay for three days. Not only so their system was clean but because this was a risky turn of events, and despite Regulus saying they didn't do it themselves, and the fact the police were still looking for the suspects to Regulus' drugging, it was compulsory for them to recover under watchful eyes.
"How long have you known him?" Regulus asked on the second evening. Remus was curled up in the chair beside their bed whilst Sirius had wandered off to fetch them all a cup of coffee. Even though both Remus and Regulus insisted they hated the stuff. They were tired, after all.
Looking up from the book in his lap, Remus hummed in response, "who, Sirius?"
"Yeah," the other said with a small look that could be considered a smile, nodding their head as they pulled at the thin blanket lay over their own lap. They had been reading another one of Remus' books when they decided to start conversation, something Remus noticed they hadn't done without their brother present. "You guys seem... close."
"Not that long," Remus admitted, closing the book after folding down the corner of a page. "I'm on the basketball team with James, so I met Sirius at one of the post-game parties."
"Yeah, but," they hesitated, biting down on their lip in thought. "James and Sirius have been at Hogwarts for over a year. Have you transferred or something?"
"No," Remus shuck his head, fighting off a smile at the lack of socialising he used to do - it really was a strange sight to see him so...out and about recently. If you had told him last year he would've made a handful of new friends and started going to parties in the span of a month he would have laughed in your face. "I never went to the parties before."
"Why?"
"Never liked people."
And that was that. Since then, Regulus seemed to seek out conversation with Remus whenever it was quiet, or Sirius had fallen asleep, or even left for the vending machines. It was strange, really, considering Sirius had warned him before hand that Regulus doesn't really do people. Much like Remus last year. So for them to happily oblige with conversation, even relating with interest or preferences for certain things (what kinds of tea they liked, some of their opinions regarding social queues and school rules, etcetera), it was all very... unexpected.
On the third night, Sirius had convinced Remus to go home. Considering they had both missed out on the beginning of the week lectures and readings, he fought it at first, not wanting to leave Sirius when it was clearly a touchy turn of events, but he had reassured him he'd be fine, and that Prongs was visiting anyway to bring some clothes. Relenting, Remus went back to his apartment with Lily.
The next few days went incredibly slow, Remus had made Sirius promise to keep him updated. And, even given the fact it really had nothing to do with Remus what so ever, Sirius had kept his promise. Messaging or even random phone calls throughout the day when Regulus had drifted off to sleep, informing him of what was happening now and what they planned to happen next.
Eventually, Regulus was released, after several meetings with a psychiatrist, they finally realised that no, Regulus hadn't attempted anything and was in fact "attacked", a word that sent both Sirius and Remus into a spiral, even though they knew that was the case. They had retold their story over and over again to the police, with vast descriptions of the boys who had done it, and the police had promised to try and find them. They'd be updated, obviously, when they did.
Regulus decided to stay with Pandora for a while, who was more than happy to keep them until they found their feet - both having formed a friendship with whoever Pandora's roommate was and wanting to be in her company too.
Other than that, things seemed to be getting back to normal. Sirius and Remus fell back into their routine of daily texting once he returned home, this time Sirius would find excuses to send Remus pictures of his artwork, both inside and out of university purposes. Remus realised it was something Sirius just did sometimes to keep him grounded, similar to the way Remus ran, Sirius painted.
Remus was still, unfortunately, banned for the next three games - even if he was expected to travel with the team for one of those, he still needed to attend practices and play with his teammates to keep them in shape and prepared for future games. But it didn't bother him as much as he thought it would, in all honesty Remus needed the break, especially recently.
He debated reaching out to his dad, just to check if he was still okay, and then thought better of it and simply looked him up on facebook. He hadn't posted anything, but he had changed his profile picture three days ago - so, still alive.
With Halloween right around the corner, and by that, it was at the end of the week. James was more than happy to throw a party at his flat, though instead of it consisting of their close friends and the basketball team, nearly everyone was invited. Remus didn't really wanted to go, especially because costumes were compulsory ( "I don't care, Loops," James had said in the changing rooms, hitting him with a hard stare. "You have to dress up!" ) and well, Lily and Marlene wanted to go too - it definitely had nothing to do with a sudden craving for Sirius.
Craving was a strong word, and Remus was trying to ignore it. But he was always terrible at lying, and that involved to himself.
So, on the Thursday before the party, after all of their classes, Marlene, Lily and Remus headed out into town in search of last minute costumes. Marlene had no idea what she wanted to dress up as, though that didn't stop her from calling out the most random costumes when she had come up with something, Lily too was undecided and Remus just wasn't enjoying the idea at all.
They had left in the early afternoon, stopping by the cafe for drinks - and stayed there for well over an hour, making conversation with Alice Fortescue, who's grandfather ran the establishment, until they eventually decided to start shopping. All the Halloween shops they passed had nothing good, instead filled to the brim with cheap, kids costumes and tacky face paint the Lily refused to bring anywhere near her.
They stopped for lunch at the food court inside of the shopping centre, indulging their shared taste for Thai food before setting off again.
"Yeah, but," Marlene sang as they made their way through the shopping centre, arm linked around Lily's. "Wouldn't you just love to see Remus in a skirt?"
Remus sighed, no Remus would not love to see Remus in a skirt. Marlene had been spitting costume ideas for the past half an hour, all of which left Remus dressing in some sort of skirt, or dress, or open shirt. She wanted slutty costumes, and he was more than happy for her, but not on himself! Her idea, however, at the minute was The Powerpuff Girls. Before that, it was the chipettes and before that it was the witches from Hocus Pocus.
With no intention to rain on Marlene's parade, Remus simply kept quiet, letting Lily stall those options and come up with other things. Though she wasn't very good at it. Remus had to admit, he had never really dressed up for halloween before, and he had no plans to start now - but he was admittedly in too deep already, and it seemed, whether he liked it or not, he would have to.
"Really," Lily said as they left another shop, failing to find anything of interest. "If you're that hooked on the idea Marls, you can make anything sexy."
Marlene tutted at that, dragging them to some sort of thrift store across the way, bright smiles as she entered through the automatic door. "It's the whole point of Halloween, we're allowed to dress up as whatever we want! Make it as revealing as we want!"
They split up between the racks, pawing through different clothes that may hold the potential to create on outfit, or even inspire a costume idea. Remus had no idea what he was looking for, with the least experience out of the group. Instead, he pulled out his phone when it vibrated in the back of his jeans pocket and smiled down at the device as he lost track of his assigned task.
[ Sirius ]
Sirius
Prongs is overdoing it
send help
he's going above and beyond
Remus
tell me about it
I've been shopping for the past three hours
We still can't find costumes :/
Sirius
oooohhhh haha!
you're dressing up???
Remus
it's compulsory :(
I wouldn't if i wasn't being forced into it
Sirius
True
oh this is so good!
what are you guys thinking?
Remus
I am thinking nothing!!!!
Marlene is hell bent on us finding "sexy" costumes
she's trying to get me in a skirt pads! a skirt!
Sirius
well done Marlene
I'll have to give her my thanks
Remus
:/
Sirius
oh, come on! It's Halloween
Remus
I am not wearing a skirt :standing:
Sirius
i might wear a skirt :thinking:
nah, i have my outfit planned!
Remus
what is it?
Sirius
nuh uh uh!
you'll just have to come find out ;)
Remus
what if i just...dont?
Sirius
then I guess you'll never know :man_shrugging:
Remus
ugh
fine, whatever
Sirius
you wanna see me in a costume remus :smirk:
"Oh!" Lily gasped, pulling Remus away from the phone at hand. He slid it back into his pocket, making his way over to the girl with raised eyebrows. She stood in the middle of an accessory isle, holding a red bandana in her hands and clearly thinking about the material she had found. "I think I have an idea," she said at last, once Marlene and Remus were hovering over her sides.
Marlene shrugged, looking down at the bandanna and then back up at Lily with a small frown, clearly lost. "When I said sexy Lils, I didn't mean one singular item of clothing that would cover next to nothing. I have standards you know."
"No, no," Lily said, excitement clear in her tone. She patted the side of Remus' arm eagerly, storming off through the isles in search of specific clothing. Biting down on her lip in thought as she removed clothes from the rack, held them up, shook her head and then put them back down again. It went on for at least fifteen minutes, Marlene and Remus trailing behind her like lost puppies before she eventually had her arms filled with different types of materials and made her way towards the back of the store, where Remus noticed they sold hats.
Hats... of all kinds, clearly, probably, most likely, in sports of the upcoming holiday because as Remus thumbed through the various accessories he realised that nobody, in their right minds at least, would wear any of these willingly, on regular days. Confusion built in the back of his mind, watching as Lily definitely concocted a plan in that smart brain of hers. He didn't want to interrupt her train of thought, but it was incredibly obvious that he and Marlene were simply not following.
"Okay," she said eventually, clapping her hands and startling the other two out of their thoughts. They watched her, with knitted brows, as she paced around another rack, pulling different items she found interest in and bringing them with her. "See," she said, as if it filled them in entirely, holding up her arms full of clothes, "I have an idea!"
***
And that's how Remus found himself being dragged around his apartment by the two girls, fussing over their different outfits they had altered, after Lily eventually clued them in. Remus was against the idea immediately, not only because it was stupid, but also because it gave him the sort of anxious feeling that he was... showing off? Admittedly, he looked good. But his self-esteem regarding his body imagine wasn't the greatest. He didn't want to dress up at all, to avoid people thinking he had an ego. And that was stupid, because it was Halloween, but at the end of the day, anxiety was anxiety and it worked in many a ways.
Lily dressed first, being the one who came up with the idea. After her and Marlene finished with each others makeup, at last minute they added glitter to their under-eye, something Remus knew would be a pain to get out of their living room carpet, she wondered off into her own room to change: making a fashion show out of it, her words, and only her words.
When she remerged from her room, strutting down the hallway and into the living room she wore a bright smile that pretty much yelled how ecstatic she was that she had pulled off her idea. Remus found himself smiling too.
"Woah, Evans!" Marlene beamed, from Remus' side on the couch, whistling as she walked further into view.
Lily, who was dressed in black flared jeans, a lighter patch on either knee, with an off-white blouse that was thin and unbuttoned to - Remus presumed - purposely show a little cleavage, accompanied with black boots (which, yes, had hearts on both heels), cheered loudly at the others enthusiasm. "It looks so good!" she said with a smile, readjusting the green bandanna that rapped around the lower half of her neck, sitting across her chest. She brought a hand up, tipped the brown-orangey hat atop her head that sat still over the two braids she had put her hair into.
"Never let me doubt you again woman!" Marlene yelled, jumping from her seat to circle around the girl. "Your arse looks phenomenal in these jeans by the way!" Marlene, who was totally against the idea of dressing as cowboys ("ah-ah! Lupin, cowboy and cowgirls!"), clearly seemed to have a change of heart once she had seen Lilys outfit all put together.
Even Remus had to admit, it had turned out different than what he originally expected. "You look great!" He smiled, watching as she span around in a circle.
"I have belts for us too!" She announced, running over towards the boy, still sat on the couch, and digging through the discarded, smaller, paper bag she had taken from another shop. Lily pulled a brown, thick, belt from the back and tied it around her waist, through the "too big" beltloops that clung around the waistband of her jeans. It had a large golden buckle, almost rusty, and in the centre the outline of a star. She looked down at it, then back up at her friends who were nodding in approval.
"My turn, my turn, my turn!" Marlene chanted, eagerly jumping from foot to foot. Lily laughed, complying, and pulled another belt from the bag (each of their outfits were waiting in their rooms - Lily having put them there, in surprise, for the other two) "ooh I like this one," she said, taking the belt from Lily's hand.
This one was a silver buckle, and a black belt entirely - something to stand out against her darker, denim, option Lily had decided on. They both watched as Marlene squealed again, running back down the hallway with the belt in hand and into Lily's room to change.
After filling them in on her idea, Lily had took charge of the outfits. She let them say no to a few options, but other than that each of their clothing was picked out by her and her alone. Running quickly around the large thrift store in search of outfits that complimented each of them - hats as well, which Remus wasn't too fond of anyway, but at that point, both girls had stopped listening to him grumble under his breath anyway.
Once Marlene had finished dressing, with her request to have "less coverage" she strutted down the hallways, whistling to herself and spinning around in a circle of her own once she reached them again. Lily clapped from Remus' side, very happy with her decision on Marlene's clothing.
In comparison to Lily, Marlene wore dark denim shorts that clung tightly to her hips, a black bandanna hooked around the side of a beltloop - beside the belt itself, and down across her thigh. The shorts were torn at the leg holes, giving them a more frail sort of appearance. She wore a matching denim halter, that did very little and covering - anything, really, and a brown open-flannelled shirt over her shoulders, that she was most likely going to tie around her waist at the actually party.
"I look so hot!" She exclaimed, adjusting her black leather cowgirl hat that lay over her shaggy cut, actually going quite well with the brunette and green dye she had slightly faded from. There was no time to dye her hair again, much to her disappointment. "I like the makeup with it too," she said, poking at the smudged eyeliner and glitter that covered her eyes.
"As long as you're not too cold," Lily said softly, even though she was clearly a big fan of the girls look. She stood up from the couch, walked over and spun around alongside Marlene, both of them giggling at their looks they were incredibly proud of.
"Rus!" Marlene called eventually, after they had relaxed themselves slightly. "Go get changed!" She demanded, pointing a finger in his direction before moving across to the kitchen, "this calls for pre-party drinks!"
"Okay, okay," he said guiltily, unable to hold them off and therefor not attempting to. He rose to his feet, arms up in surrender before making his way to his own room further down the hall. Despite not actually wanting to dress up at all, ever, he couldn't help feel a little excited as he crept closer to his room.
It was just some fun, things would be fine, everyone would be dressed up - there was no reason for him to miss out on any of that. And Marlene was currently mixing drinks in the kitchen, something strong probably - knowing her, so he'd feel lighter anyway by the time they actually got to the party. Smiling to himself as he heard the girls fumble with the speaker in the front room, music blasting throughout their apartment, he closed his bedroom door and walked over to his bed where his outfit was laid out for him. Curtesy of Lily Evans.
It took him a little longer to get dressed, fighting with his nerves between each item of clothing. Already, both Marlene and Lily had decided on different places to wear their own bandannas, and Remus didn't really know at all what to do with his own. Maybe he'd wear it around the lower half of his face, in order to have a little anonymity at the party - so not everyone in the crowd could point him out. Though, they probably couldn't anyway, considering he hardly knew.. people.
By the time he was dressed, and ready to take a look in the full-frame mirror that hung on the door of their shared bathroom, his phone pinged from his bedside table, where it was currently charging. He moved over to it quickly, eager to check - something he had been doing a lot more recently know he was actually having conversations with others.
It was from Sirius, which wasn't surprising in the slightest, though his stomach did give a little flutter at the contact name. Sighing, he took a seat on the side of his bed and opened his phone, biting down on his lip to hide his laugh before responding.
[ Sirius ]
Sirius
- photo of james in a spiderman costume mid run throughout his kitchen, four drinks in his two hands and expression of urgency as he collided into peter, who was dressed in a dark cloak and fake fangs - presumably a vampire. -
when are you getting here
these guys are DRUNK
Remus
LMFAO
ermmmm not sure
i'm just getting ready, the girls are drinking
i want to say maybe an hour?
Sirius
booooooo
hurry up :(
Remus
yes sir :salute:
Sirius
costume??? :eyes:
Remus
sigh
yes, i have a costume
Sirius
which is...
Remus
nuh uh
you'll have to wait
Sirius
tease :p
Remus
see you soon padfoot
"Remus John Lupin!" Lily scolded throughout the flat, voice rising over the music that bounced off of the walls. Huffing, Remus turned off his phone and rose to his feet once more, chucking as she yelled, "hurry the fuck up!"
With one quick walk to the mirror, Remus took in his appearance carefully, nervous about hating it and not even going to the party - because his brain loved him and obviously encouraged him to do fun things. He sighed, scratching at the back of his neck in thought as he looked himself up and down.
His jeans were a lighter denim than Marlene's shorts, and they clung incredibly tight over the frame of his thin waist, something he would never wear regularly, though he had to admit, despite the fact they were clinging to his skin, they didn't look all that bad. Tucked into his jeans was a cream coloured blouse, with only buttons available halfway, meaning the open collar showed off far too much skin that he was really comfortable with. Not to mention there was no way at hiding a scar that ran across his chest, though it didn't look... terrible.
He leant forward to reach the hooks on his bedroom door, pulling down the dim brown leather hat Lily had picked for him and placed it onto his head, his curls bouncing beneath it and sticking his fringe out. Over the top of his shirt he wore a sleeveless (same brown as his hat) fringe jacket, though the only fringe part of it was atop the pockets, and not as annoying as he first imagined they would be.
The belt Lily had chosen was laying on his bed, so he turned to reach for it before coming back in front of the mirror, pulling it through his beltloops and huffing out a laugh as he clasped the buckle together. It was a dark silver, rusting around the edges, and spelt "wolf" in the centre - he'd have to mock her for giving him that, most likely a play on his name, after all.
With one last look at his reflection, he made a quick grab for his phone and fled the room, not wanting to stick around longer enough to spout doubts into the back of his head. He looked, well he actually looked quite good, and he didn't want to ruin his mood before they even made it to the party.
Marlene smiled upon catching him from the hallway, wolf-whistling at him before thrusting a drink into his hand, that he immediately took a too-large of a sip from, he was going to need alcohol tonight.
"Christ, If I wasn't a lesbian Lupin," she said, patting down his biceps and pulling at the collar of his shirt, opening it slightly more that what the material seemed to actually be accustomed too.
"You say that every time he dressed up," Lily tutted from behind her, sending the boy her own smile. "We did incredibly well, it seems."
"We all look fit as fuck!" Marlene hollered, diving across the couch in search of her phone. She jumped up with a grin, wiggling her eyebrows before throwing her arms in the air and declaring, "we need insta photo's!"
***
"Remus, love." Lily had her mother-hen voice on, with a show of her hands on her curved hips, and a straight lip smile pointed in his direction. It was surprising, really, that she managed to pull off the scary look even half-way drunk, it was a relatively sober-only turn of events.
They had opted for walking to James' place, rather than dishing out money on a taxi when they could save it for better things. That's how it went in the Evans-Lupin household, unless you absolutely needed to spend it - money was for saving only. Marlene had called that rule bullshit, considering they spent far too much on takeaway foods at least once a week, but... oh well. Though it seemed, now, that that wasn't quite a good idea considering Marlene and Remus had already had far too much to drink. Lily, somehow, could stomach more alcohol than the two of them put together.
"But he's so pretty, Lils." Remus was pouting at his friend, bottom lip jutting out and all. He tried to coerce his eyebrows into lifting but also pointing downwards at the same time to pull off some sort of kicked puppy look. Lily was immune to said look, yet it didn't stop either Remus or Marlene constantly attempting it on the woman. "And it's cold out tonight."
"Of course it's cold out, Remus," she chastises, not relenting in the slightest. "it's winter, what do you expect?"
"He's just a baby," came Marlene's input. She snuggled close into Remus' side, whether it was to help pull it off or because she was cold in her costume. He didn't care to think about which, it seemed to be helping slightly. "We can't leave him alone."
Remus was never really a fan of animals, though that seemed more because they were always afraid of him. But it was no surprise to the others than his drunken state was very fond of cats, especially small kittens. It was just Lily's luck, really, that one happened to stumble across the trio and curl up atop Remus' feet, purring loudly as he knelt down to stroke it.
Now, however, Lily was regretting the decision to stop and say hello to the small feline. Because Remus had scooped it up and brought it with them on a walk, a walk to a party, for heavens sake! And now he was refusing to let it go, claiming it needed a home, warmth and food. All of which could not be thrusted into the hands of James Potter, because this was his house, his rules and he definitely did not agree to a cat!
"We can't take it upstairs either," she argued, crossing her arms over her stomach as the cold bit at her. "It's James' house, if we were at ours I wouldn't have that much of a problem."
"Booo!" Marlene murmured from Remus' shoulder, nestling closer.
Remus frowned even further, petting just behind the cats ear and then smiling wide at its purrs. "He's adorable," he said simply, looking up from the cat in his arms and back over to Lily. "I mean...James said to bring friends."
"Live, human friends, Remus!" The red-head near enough screamed, her cheeks tinted pink from their previous drinks. Lily was smart enough not to take shots with the others before they left, because there would be plenty of drinking at the party anyway, and they had to make it there in one piece first. "Remus, love. We can't show up with an animal."
"I'll just ask him," he shrugged, unmoving. The pout was back now as he reached into his back pocket, fumbling for his phone. He struggled to fit his hands in the tight back pocket, giving up he let out a sigh. "Marlene can you get my phone?"
"Ha!" Marlene laughed loudly, throwing her head back and knocking it into Remus' shoulder. "Absolutely not, I'm not feeling you up! My girlfriends inside!"
"It's just a phone!" He whined in complaint, turning around and wiggling his bum in the girls direction. "You've touched worse."
"Gargh!" She winced, bringing up her palms to cover her eyes. "Don't remind me! I didn't mean to! It was an accident!"
"Tell that to my balls," he said with a grumble, shaking his head. "Please."
"You're not taking the cat upstairs!" Lily yelled, stepping closer and reaching into his pocket herself. She pulled out his phone and placed it in her own before storming off towards the open door of the apartment complex. People had already started filtering out, as usual, due to the trios late arrival. "Now put him down and lets go."
Remus looked down at the tabby cat in his arms, directly into the brown eyes that were staring up at him, wide. He jutted out his lip one last time before looking over at Lily, sighing. If it helped him, which if he really thought about - it didn't, the girl did actually look slightly upset about it. Nevertheless, Lily's manners always overpowered her wants, and she wasn't about to take a stray cat into their friends house without warning.
"If he's still here when we go home," she started, looking from the staircase to her two other friends outside, "then we can take him with us." She ignored the hurrah from Marlene and Remus, pinning them with an angry look, "but as for now, we're going upstairs without him."
He let out a loud huff at that, looked down at the cat again before booping it on the nose. "Fine," he decided, crouching down and letting the cat free. It purred one final time, rolled over on it's belly for a pat before getting up and walking around the back of the flats. "He was my best friend," he complained as they eventually climbed the stairs, "and now I'll never see him again."
"Yeah, Lily." Marlene agreed, frown on her own face. "We're never gonna see him again."
Lily just shook her head with an eye-roll, refusing to rise to her friends bait as they past several crowds in the hall. They took their usual routine once they walked through James' threshold, straight into the kitchen towards the drinks where the pair happily let Marlene create some god-awful drink. They had already had plenty either way, there was no reason to slow down now.
The party itself seemed very lively, the boys had hung a multicolour disco ball around the light in the living room, shining in each and every direction and brightening guests' faces with different colours. Their usual LED's that clung to the upper side of the walls were accompanied with various fairy lights, swinging almost in tune to the music that blasted throughout the flat.
Remus studied the people who were dancing with one another, taking in all of the costumes surrounding him. It seemed everyone had followed the rules and dressed up: werewolves, vampires, wizards, skeletons... "OH!" he yelled, pointing into the direction of the balcony. "Look, Marlene, The Powerpuff Girls!"
"WHAT!" Marlene shrieked, dropping the made drinks and running around the island to his side. She crashed heavily into him, pushing him away with an 'oof' and looking in the way he had pointed. "Oh my god those thief's!"
Lily chucked from behind them, picking up the three plastic cups and handing them out as she too looked over towards the glass doors. "Oh it's Alice," she observed, squinting her eyes to get a closer look, "is she with Emmeline and Mary?"
"Looks like it," Remus hummed, taking a sip of his drink and scrunching his nose in disgust. "Fucking hell Marls what have you put in here?"
"Huh?" Marlene said, turning around as she sipped through her own straw. "Oh, Remus you're such a baby! Just drink your drink."
"Just drink your drink," Remus repeated in a high pitched voice, dodging away from the slap Marlene sent his way with a laugh. He placed his hand on her head and patted the top of her hat, she was nowhere near as tall as him, giving him the advantage to look down at her and stick out his tongue.
"Oh," Lily's gasp drew them out of their little facial expression argument, she was standing behind them facing the living room where the couches had been pushed aside, her mouth hanging open. Remus smirked in the direction, turning back to Lily and using his hand to close her mouth for her. "Shut up," she mumbled at his knowing smile. "Literally, shut up."
"Hey," he raised a hand in surrender, the other one bringing his drink forwards again. "I didn't say anything."
"Oh, c'mon!" Marlene groaned, throwing her arms around in some sort of distaste. "He didn't even try! That sucks!" She said, looking in the same direction as the others. "Oi, Potter!" And then she was off, towards the familiar group of faces and launching herself down on a bean bag by their feet.
James, as Remus already knew, was dressed in a skin-tight spiderman costume, though he did have the decency to cover the bottom half in joggers, Peter (who was sat comfortably beside him as they swayed to the music) was, yep, a vampire and they were accompanied by the Prewett twins from the team, who seemed to have dressed up as...other, popular basketball players, huh, weird choice but okay.
"Drink your drink," Remus whispered, pushing Lily's cup closer to her face as she continued to stare across the room at James. "You look thirsty."
"Shut up!" She said again, harsher this time - though it held no real bite. Remus just chuckled at her, biting at his own straw.
The two of them stood there for a minute, just drinking and warming up to the party themselves as they glanced around the room at all the familiar costumes. Surprisingly, there didn't seem to be any other cowboys (or cowgirls) which the pair counted as a win in their books.
"What're you doing with this?" Lily asked, a little while later. They turned back into the kitchen to refill their drinks before joining the others. She was picking at the red bandanna that hung from his chest pocket, flicking it. "Here," and then she was off, wrapping it around his neck and tying it in a similar way to her own. "There you go."
He swatted her hands away when she was finished, jostling her slightly around the kitchen as she gave just as much back before looking up over her shoulder. His mouth went immediately dry as he caught sight of the person across the way, stood beside James and Peter whilst scrolling through his phone, presumably changing the music.
Just as Lily's had, his mouth dropped open in shock, looking the figure in the other room up and down as he took in the boys costume. It, realistically, was a very common choice when it came to Halloween parties, last year Lily and Marlene had even dressed up the same, sort of. But the look...well, it looked entirely different on Sirius, swaying slightly under the fluorescent lights of the party.
Dressed in a short black mini-skirt, accompanied with a red, tight looking, corset and devil horns atop his head, black hair wavy and sitting on his exposed shoulders. Remus could see a large variety of tattoo's that he hadn't managed to see before, peeking out from beneath his costume. Sirius pulled off the outfit incredibly well, so well that Remus' knee's seemed to go weak and his stomach erupted in a wild show of butterflies as he watched the boy spin at James side, clearly proud of the song choice. A song choice that Remus hadn't even realised, because nothing else seemed to exist in this moment of time.
"Thirsty?" Lily smirked up at him, handing him another drink with the same look he had given her moments before. She chuckled as he grabbed the cup, downing half of the substance immediately after having it within his reach.
"Fuck me," he breathed out, closing his mouth and looking back at his friend. "I am not going over there!" He whisper-yelled, leaning down slightly in attempts to be overheard by anyone around them. "Dance with me Lily, please."
"Nuh uh," she shook her head back and forth, wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling him closer to lean her head on his shoulder, though it didn't quite reach and she had to settle for his bicep instead. "You can't avoid our friends."
"I'm not!" He shot back, planting his feet as she attempted to walk towards them. "Just once dance. I will literally do anything."
She looked up at him again, clearly contemplating, and then looked back over towards their friends. They all seemed deeply involved in some sort of friendly argument, pointing at the phone in Sirius' hands and mouthing something along the lines of different songs. "Right, one dance."
One dance turned into two, which then turned into three and eventually four before they both had decidedly had enough, slick with slight sweat and ready for another drink. Several people had complimented costumes around them, each time Lily had sniggered into Remus' bare chest as the people around them blushed at others' words.
They had managed to steer clear of their other friends the entire time, though Marlene had emerged from the couches and began dancing with her girlfriend, Dorcas a few songs ago. Lily and Remus watched the two from their spot, swaying one another as they saw the girls do the same. Remus was quite impressed with Dorcas' costume, a sort of cottage-core fairy look that she managed to pull off extremely well.
It was when the next song started that their attention was diverted back to the pair across the room. The music had paused long enough to make out Dorcas' voice over the crowd, and using his height as an advantage, Remus saw her step furiously into another persons space, pointing and angry finger in the boys direction.
The two moved instantly, practically parting the crowd as they came up behind their pair, and - wait, was that Evan Rosier and Barty Crouch? Remus watched as the two came to Dorcas' defence, also yelling at the taller blonde boy who was simply chuckling at their anger. Remus recognised him instantly as Gilderoy Lockheart, who ran one of the school papers, always telling awful stories about other students. He had an incredible distaste for the boy as it was.
"Look, look!" He said, hands up at his sides as he smiled down at the two girls. Remus watched as Evan and Barty looked up at him with disgust, clearly having heard what started the argument. "I didn't mean anything by it!"
"Bullshit!" Dorcas all but growled, trying and failing to get closer as Barty held her back. "You're a piece of crap, you know that, Lockheart!"
He shrugged, crossing his arms and looking down his nose at the girl, despite the fact he wasn't really in the position to sneer at anyone else. "Well, you shouldn't be so indecent and I wouldn't have commented on it."
"You didn't have to comment on it in the first place, mate." Evan said angrily, looking as though he was going to hit the man. "It's the 21st century, Lockheart, get a grip."
"It's wrong is what it is," he argued right back, two of his friends at his side now.
Remus grimaced, immediately understanding what was going on. Though he was far from sober, a small part of his brain supplied enough to help break up the fight as he stepped closer, ignoring James, Sirius and Peter who had obviously come over to diffuse whatever tension was occurring.
"Self projecting, Lockheart?" Remus asked as he came to stand beside Dorcas and Marlene. The two of them snapping their heads in his direction as he approached, Barty loosening his hold on the girl.
Gilderoy looked over from staring the others down, eyes widening slightly before he concealed his look of shock. He looked Remus up and down before scoffing out, "obviously not."
"No?" Remus asked, stepping closer and using his height to intimidate the blonde boy, he wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Wanna tell me what you said?"
"Didn't say anything," he shot right back, looking over Remus' shoulder from on his toes at the girls. "Believe what you wanna believe."
"Oh no," Evan said, from Remus' side, he tilted his head at the other boy, "didn't you say it was wrong a second ago? Why are you changing your mind so quickly?"
"I didn't mean anything by it!" Lockheart yelled, cowering back into his friends sides slightly. The crowd was growing around them, everyone nosy enough to want to get closer and hear the argument for themselves.
"No, of course you didn't," Remus shrugged. He crossed his own arms, raising a singular eyebrow. "I mean, you did message me last year, didn't you? What was it you were saying, hmm," he tapped at his lip with his finger in thought.
"I didn't do anything!"
"Yeah," Remus sighed, shrugging his shoulders. "Of course you didn't. You just wanted to get in my bed, that's all... wasn't it?" Gilderoy shrunk in on himself, face turning red in an embarrassed blush. "Didn't seem like you thought it was disgusting then, did you?"
Marlene laughed from behind them, throwing a palm quickly over her mouth before shaking herself off. "I remember that!" She all but yelled as she came up on Remus' other side. "Oh my god, that was you!"
"It was not me!" He defended, shaking his head furiously.
"No?" Remus asked, reaching across into Lily's pocket to extract his phone. "Hmm, I have the messages somewhere. Ah!" He exclaimed, finding the old instragram messages and turning his phone to show the boy, "blocked me after the rejection, didn't you?"
Gilderoy huffed out a laugh, looking down at the screen and then back up at Remus before launching himself forward for the device. Remus stepped back, pocketing it before crossing his arms again. "Get lost, Lockheart."
He looked around the crowd, all of them snickering under their breaths at the display. With his blush still present he huffed again before turning on his feet and fleeing the party, straight out of the door before waiting for anyone to say anything more.
"Grimy bastard," Marlene muttered from behind them as the music started up again. "What a dick."
"I can't believe he slid into your DM's!" Evan laughed from Remus' side, turning and hooking an arm around Barty's waist to pull him closer. Well, Remus thought as he watched the pair, that was a new development.
They dispersed after that, Marlene wondered off with Dorcas for more dancing as Evan and Barty made their way onto the balcony. Remus huffed, wrapped an arm around Lily before turning around and coming face to face with the other three boys present. Each of them looking up at Remus with wide smiles on their faces.
"Oh," he said, scratching the back of his neck anxiously. "Hello."
"Jesus Christ, Loops." James said with a laugh, jumping forward and wrapping an arm around Remus' shoulder. The five of them made their way back into the other side of the living room, all taking separate seats on the couches, as usual. "You never told me Gilderoy Lockheart came on to you."
Remus grimaced at his statement, remembering all too well the thirsty messages he'd constantly receive from the boy without even responding. "Told you Prongs," he shrugged, turning and facing the opposite couch, watching as Lily took a seat beside Sirius. He smiled, ducked his head and muttered, "not into blondes."
***
By his sixth drink of the night, Remus had officially come to the conclusion that this was the longest he'd ever stayed at one of James' parties before. He and Marlene had taken to the dance floor - dance area?? - several times now in between their conversations with the rest of the group, James himself had even managed to get Lily up and spinning under his arm.
Three in the morning reached them quickly, and eventually people had began to take their leaves, bidding each of them goodbye as they passed them by the couches. Peter was barely keeping his eyes open on the bean bag beside the couch, Lily and James huddled together and whispering to one another from above him. Marlene was sat beside Remus on the couch facing them, Dorcas leaning against the girls legs from the floor.
"Look who I found!" Sirius appeared suddenly, a wide grin on his pink tinted face from the alcohol. His arm was wrapped around the waist of a smaller girl, dressed as an angel - which, in Remus' opinion seemed quite fitting - "Pandora!"
"Hi," Remus smiled as the girl took a seat between him and Marlene on the couch. "Didn't except to see you here."
"I'm here with my brother," she said, nodding her head in the direction behind him. "He's here somewhere," then she turned to the crowd around her, smiling sweetly at everyone who had perked up at her arrival. "Hi, I'm Pandora."
"Lily," said the red haired girl pulling a hand away from behind James' back and waving across the way at her. "This is James," she nodded, "Peter, Marlene and Dorcas. You seem to already know Remus and Sirius."
"She was at the hospital with us," Sirius explained, lifting his drink slightly in the air as he sat atop the green bean bag by Remus' feet, scrunching his nose and pushing them away. "A friend of Regulus."
"Well then," James clapped, "It's lovely to meet you - wait, no that sounded. Urgh, It's lovely to meet you, anyway!"
Pandora stifled a laugh at that, shaking her head at the boy. "It's lovely to meet you all as well. I couldn't quite bribe Regulus along."
"That's cause they're miserable," Dorcas added from the floor, turning all heads in the room to her direction. "Oh - wait, Hi, I'm Dorcas - Pandora's roommate!"
"Since when!" Sirius said, sounding affronted. Immediately forgetting about her calling Regulus miserable, as they seemingly knew each other already. "Why didn't we know about this."
"To be fair," Marlene added, a finger sticking in the air wobbling slightly in her drunken state. "Dorcas is new to the group, too!"
The group of them seemed to hit it off instantly, eventually Barty and Evan appeared, as the last guests remaining, to say goodbye - which turned out to reveal the fact Evan and Pandora were related: brother and sister, which admittedly took everyone by surprise at first. James, in all his glory, had managed to get each and every last guest remaining - excluding Remus - to take part in a few games of just dance.
Now, it's not particularly like Remus wouldn't want to play (even though, in this case, he doesn't), but he'd much rather watch the events play out from the comfortable spot of the sofa. His brains a bit mushy, due to the alcohol, and his face feels incredibly hot, but other than that he's perfectly happy to sit back and watch his friends make fools out of themselves, and he's not shy about snickering at them either. Lily, however, throws up her middle finger at him each time she stumbles.
James and Sirius seem to have a specific routine perfected, though Remus has never actually heard the song they had chosen before, whereas Peter, who's joining on Sirius' left, seems to be struggling slightly to keep up. It's all well fun though, as the three of them attempt to nudge the others out of frame of the television in order to mess with their scores.
Marlene and Dorcas are next, quickly followed by Pandora and Lily and then eventually they all seem to jump into one together, forgetting about the fact its a scored game and there aren't enough dancers on screen to accommodate the amount on the floor. Remus fights back a laugh when Marlene and Lily bump into one another, sending the pair down onto the bean bags that rest protectively behind them. And then it doesn't take long for the others to follow suit, falling into their own seats and quite obviously out of breath too.
It's when Peter and James are so involved in an exciting retelling of a prank they pulled in school when Remus notices his cup is empty, as actually has been for a while now. So, he excuses himself with a smile and stumbles towards the kitchen to refill, though this is probably his last drink of the night considering he's already had far too much.
He hums the tune of the music playing under his breath as he moves throughout the room, searching the drawers for a fresh straw when a body comes up beside him. Leaning slightly on the counter top, arms bare, Sirius turns his head with a smile, looking up from where it rests on the kitchen island. "So," he says sweetly, voice rough from the singing he'd committed to the entire night, "cowboys."
"Mhm," Remus noises in response, placing his neon green straw into the red plastic cup. He turns around slightly, facing the other boy and smiles down at him, "devil."
Sirius grins at that, nodding his head far too exaggeratedly in his drunken state. Remus watches his smile, a pink tint to his face as his head leans further atop the surface, heavy with alcohol. "You like?"
And he shouldn't, he really shouldn't, but Remus makes a show of tilting his head in Sirius' direction, looking the outfit he had chosen over before subconsciously biting down on his bottom lip. Sirius' dark skirt is short, and has ridden up slightly with the boys lean, but nothings visible from Remus' position - not that he would look for anything, anyway. His corset is tied on the back in a red silk ribbon that drapes over his pale skin with ease, tattoo's sticking out between the laces.
Despite Sirius looking fucking phenomenal in his choice of outfit, Remus' favourite part entirely has to be the two little horns resting within the dark locks of his hair, bringing colour to his appearance, the red eyeshadow accompanying his face. And even though it's Halloween, and everyone's dressed up different from their normal attire, Sirius still wears the same three necklaces as he usually would. And they're interesting, Remus thinks, because they obviously have some sort of meaning to the boy.
It's not hard for him to deduct the star charm to Regulus, Sirius' younger sibling - considering the pair are both names after stars. And it warms Remus' heart slightly that Sirius takes to wearing it regularly, obviously in thought of the younger Black. It makes him smile, and then he's catching Sirius' curious gaze on Remus' own outfit.
He stands up straight then, smiling as Sirius blushes whilst being caught in the act. Remus can't blame him anymore than he can blame himself, to be honest. So, he doesn't comment on it, instead he says "yes," in answer to the others previous question.
Sirius grins, standing up once again and turning his entire body to face the other, one hand still remaining on the counter top as it sneaks closer slightly. "Even though you don't like skirts?" He asks, jutting out his bottom lip in a pout.
Remus looks down at Sirius' hand, suddenly feeling the overwhelming urge to reach out and hold it in his own. He looks back across at Sirius, simultaneously inching closer to the boy as he tilts his head down, eyes immediately exploring the makeup he finds endearing. "I never said I don't like skirts," he says, but it barely comes out above a whisper as they move closer.
"Yeah you did," Sirius says in response, certain about his accusation as he reaches towards the bandanna hanging loose around Remus' neck, he tugs slightly, pulling the taller of the two closer. "When you were looking for costumes."
"No I didn't," Remus matches him, reaching out to straighten the red devil horns on his head. "I said I didn't like wearing them," and then he lets his eyes fall down to the skirt Sirius seems to pull off incredibly well.
They're terribly close now, Sirius looking up at the other as he rocks slightly on his feet. Remus can practically feel the breath from the other boy, hitting his throat as he leans further towards him. "Hmm," he seems to ponder it for a moment, tugging again on the material that lies on Remus' chest. "You didn't make that clear."
"Well," Remus whispers, barely getting out his words as his eyes linger on Sirius'. He can't seem to break their eye-contact, feeling himself being drawn closer to the boy beneath him, like a slight tugging inside of him - pulling him closer and closer until their chests rest against one another. His eyes fall to Sirius' lips, watching as he bites down, copying Remus' own actions. "I'll have to do that next time."
It seems as though everything else in the apartment is forgotten, the music that was previously blasting seems to dim from Remus' hearing. And although either one of their friends can turn around any minute and catch - whatever this is, in the kitchen - neither of them seem to pull away from one another. If Remus was to lean down just the littlest bit more he'd be at a perfect angle to connect their lips, and despite the small voice in the back of his head screaming no, he can't help but want to.
Sirius smirks up at him, and really, Remus thinks, he should be rewarded for managing to stay on his feet after that, butterflies squirming in his stomach as their breaths mix. "What else do you like?" Sirius asks, searching Remus' face already for answers, as if he can catch his answer before he voices it himself.
It takes Remus an embarrassing amount of time to realise he's referring to his costume, he swallows heavily, bringing up a hand to hook through one of the loops on the waistband of Sirius' skirt and when Sirius doesn't protest, he turns them around. Now, Remus is leaning back against the counter, both hands holding Sirius' waist as he pulls the boy closer.
Whilst one of Sirius' hands remain on the bandanna paired with the rest of Remus' outfit, the other travels higher, tugging at a curl that falls over Remus' eye. He smiles, looking down at the open collar of Remus' shirt before licking his lips in a way that displays a sort of hunger.
"All of it," Remus eventually answers quietly, too afraid to voice his opinion but it inevitably escaping him either way. Fighting off a blush that he feels rising up his neck he tugs closer slightly, inhaling quickly as their hips meet. "I should come to more Halloween parties."
Whatever Sirius was about to say next, as he tilted his head closer to Remus', died quickly on his tongue. Instead, the pair found themselves jumping apart as a voice cleared from the other side of the kitchen island, a guilty look on Peters face as the two turned to face him.
"Do we have any ice?"
Notes:
heheh, i teased you guys :p
Remus' costume is based on this fanart!
https://i.pinimg.com/564x/b9/96/2c/b9962cc61f2573e592182f6a07461834.jpg
Chapter 8: The Pool
Summary:
Remus forgets his bag after a week of brooding.
Notes:
So, my updates might be a bit iffy from here on out. I’ve recently moved back in with my mum after a year at my nanas and things are… tough. I’m trying to start fresh with her but our relationship isn’t the best. Enough of that, anyway, I’m back! Sorry it’s been a while :)
I have a long (ish) chapter for you guys, kind of... it's 8k words, but I have a feeling you're going to enjoy this one! Well, at the end, Remus is a bit of a dick in here today. He apologises though!
Chapter Warnings:
erm, masturbation???
that's it, really, but I suppose that's a given due to the explicit tag, which begins soon ;)if you want to skip it, stop reading when Remus gets in the shower and then continue again at the missed calls!!!
Enjoy :0
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Despite not being able to participate in any of the games, or at least the next three - two, now, Remus couldn’t help but feel the same adrenaline rush watching his teammates score as he would when it was him. From the bench, he could hear the chatter of the other subs which was entertaining in itself considering the majority of it consisted of either bashful compliments towards the teams captain, or complaints regarding Hooch’s training. Either way, Remus found himself shaking his head with a smile every ten minutes.
It had been tough, watching his team play tonight's game and being permanently benched. It was hard enough as it was when Hooch would pull him mid quarter, or not allow him to play one at all. But knowing he wouldn’t step foot on the court at all encouraged a panging feeling to his heart. Basketball was what he was good at, if not the only thing, and here he was practically an arms length away from the game itself.
He had a weird relationship with the sport. He’d been shown it by his father, who used to drag him and Marlene into their small back garden to play. And then his relationship with his father sort of disintegrated. It prosed the feeling, deep inside of him, that he ought to be gaslighting himself into his own enjoyment, the pleasure he felt playing. It was all his father, and if he so claimed to dislike the man so much, why was he clinging so desperately to the sport? Or, really, was he clinging to it? It was hard to distinguish the difference between what felt compulsory and what felt intentional. Especially with basketball.
Then again, would anyone blame him for trying to remain steady within his basketball position, because yes - the majority of his friends, well Lily and Marlene, knew it was Lyall who had introduced him to it. Christ. Is that what they thought already? That the only reason Remus played was because his dad had? Or did they think he played because he wanted to? The hardest part, Remus couldn’t tell you which it was. He didn’t know.
Sure, the game made him think of his dad, but it supplied anger which he used well on the court. It was the winning that made the sport feel like home. And the juxtaposition between the two emotions was baffling. One of which he related to Lyall, the other was the complete opposite. It made no sense.
Gritting his teeth, Remus launched from the gym’s floor and threw the ball into the air, soaring straight into the net on the other side. He’d stayed behind after everyone cleared out from the game. James, as usual, was throwing a party but Remus was in no mood to pretend he wanted to celebrate.
He told them he’d go. And then didn’t.
Marlene and Lily were going, though they both left straight after the game had finished, with promises to meet Remus there. He simply nodded and walked towards the locker room with the rest of the team.
It wasn’t a particular shock to Hooch, when Remus emerged after everyone else had left half an hour later. She was locking up the equipment cupboard when he flung the gym door open, basketball jersey still on.
“Oh alright then,” she sighed and unlocked the door once more, bending purposely to leave her keys on the bench by her feet. “Lock up when you’re done, Lupin.”
And that was all that was said. He’d stayed behind plenty of times before, when he was in his own head about his performance, to the point it had gotten to what Hooch had usually expected from him. She was strict with her rules, but at the end of the day she really did care for her team, Remus included.
After about half an hour of nothing but shoes squeaking on the gym floor, he stilled in the middle of the court, stretching out his shoulder and rubbing at the skin there. He’d pulled the muscle during practice again . It was always the same damn shoulder, irritating and burning.
He walked towards the doors, crouching to reach out for the water bottle he had brought with him and drained half of the liquid. He’d left his bag in the locker room, and even if Filch - the old caretaker, had locked up he had Hooch’s keys anyway. Groaning, he stood again and continued his individual practice.
It was when the ball slammed against the back wall, after a rageful throw, that his brain supplied the image he’d been ignoring all night. The thing that had subconsciously been eating away at him, causing his fists to clench or his teeth to grit.
Sirius.
Sirius, leaning against him in his kitchen. Sirius, pulling at the bandanna around his throat. Sirius’ hips against his own. Sirius’ lips, his eyes, his hair his - the ball bounced again.
“Fuck,” he whispered under his breath, bringing up the hem of his shirt to wipe at the sweat above his brow. He jogged over towards the trolly, taking another ball as his previous one rolled across the room and towards the stands. He’d have to remember to return that one before he left.
Neither of them had spoken about it since, though the party had occurred a week ago now, and they hadn’t seen each other again in person. Remus shook his head, he wouldn’t think about it. Sirius definitely hadn’t, or at least it seemed that way. The lack of texts between the two suggested as much.
But what if Peter hadn’t -
No. He wasn’t going to think about it. Instead, he bit down on his lip and jumped, throwing the ball into the net once again. The sound echoed around the empty hall, bouncing back towards him as he lunged forward to grab it again, dribbling it around the court and practising small movements he could use during his games.
He continued like that for the next hour, dribbling, shooting, swearing, thinking. With each image of Sirius pressed against him, he scored, with each image of Sirius’ flushed face, he dribbled, with each image of Sirius’ hips grinding into his own, the smaller frame of Sirius’ body pushed against the wall, Remus’ mouth moving against the boys jaw, lower and lower, and lower and -
“Fuck,” he swore. Shaking his head before pushing back his hair he dropped the ball to his feet, beginning a pace back and forth across the court. He couldn’t stop thinking about it, why couldn’t he stop thinking about it?
It meant nothing, at all, nothing at all, nothing.. “Fuck.” They were drunk, that’s all it was, a little bit of drunk flirting. But - no, no because now they weren’t talking. Why weren’t they talking?
Hissing, as his lip drew blood due to the pressure from his teeth, he let out a distracted sigh and made to retrieve all the basketballs littering the gym floor. After he had moved them all back into the trolley he shoved them into the equipment cupboard before locking it shut behind him. He had been in the gym for well over an hour and a half now, it was getting late, his body was getting tired - all he wanted was to go home and curl up in bed. Maybe he’d watch a shitty TV show on his laptop, like One Tree Hill, or some stupid Marvel series.
Walking slowly throughout the dimly lit hall he passed two other rooms before reaching the lockers. He was well aware of the other sports that would go on in the too large gym on University campus’. Hogwarts, however, offered Basketball, Swimming and … was it tennis? Remus didn’t know, he’d never been in the other rooms before.
Pushing open the door to the decently sized locker room, Remus ignored the vibration that sounded throughout his duffel bag, instead he reached into the open pocket and pulled out a change of clothes before heading towards the shower wall around the back corner. The room was empty, it was late, and there was noone around, he may as well abuse the hot water privilege rather than waste his own at home.
Turning the tap to the highest temperature, he stripped off his gym wear, fighting slightly with the tight tape that covered his left bicep before stepping under the hot stream. Audibly groaning as the hot water immediately began to soothe his aching joints he leaned forward, pressing his forehead to the cold tile and letting the water thrash against his skull.
It was a mistake, really, to close his eyes when he was as vulnerable as his brain had quite obviously continued to show him. The images that stalked him beneath his eyelids were very obviously, not public friendly. And the jolt it sent through him was enough proof of that.
“Fucks sake,” he practically growled, opening his eyes incredibly quick to escape the long dark hair, the grey eyes. His stomach lurched beneath him, a tingly feeling shooting right down to his cock.
He was being haunted, that was the only thing that could explain it. Sirius Black was fucking haunting him. And the worst part was if he searched long enough, Remus would find that he was really, really enjoying it. Though, it would be a lot better if it wasn’t just his imagination, and the real thing made an appearance.
Remus lifted his head from beneath the spray of hot water, ducking out of the shower stall to double check nobody was around, and then further triple checking, before leaning his head against the cold tile once again.
With a muffled groan, Remus closed his eyes and let the images linger. Long, thin fingers pulling at his curls, breathing into his ear, silver eyes meeting his own. He bit down on his lip, feeling himself grow before running a hesitant hand down his chest, pulling at the hair that decorated his skin beneath his abdomen.
Sirius was in front of him, pushed back against the shower wall and panting deeply against Remus’ neck, slowly pulling away and dropping down to his knees, the water splashing as Remus clenched his toes. “Jesus,” he moaned, finally relenting and letting his own hand close around himself.
His head fell back with a groan, thumb running over his own tip as the water fell down across his freckle covered shoulders. Quickly shaking himself out of it, he leaned forward once more, closing his eyes and imagining something other than his own hand wrapped around himself as he stroked his cock.
It didn’t take long until he came with a stifled groan, biting down on his own forearm to mute the noise throughout the empty locker room. With enough images provided by his own brain, and his own hand knowing which strokes brought what pleasure, he found himself falling apart in a public shower for the first time ever.
Guilt quickly washed over him, as he cleans himself thoroughly. He’d never done anything like that in public, hell, he’d never even done anything like that with Lily in their apartment. His own pleasure came at times where he was home, alone . Not alone in the middle of their university’s gym for fuck sake. Anybody could have walked in. And, ignoring that, now he’d be reminded of it every time he took a damn shower.
With a displeased groan, he turned off the water and stepped outside of the cubicle to dry off and change. It wasn’t until he had locked up entirely and strolled outside into the cold air that he remembered the buzzing of his phone.
Reluctantly pulling out the cell from the front pocket of his bag he stopped short along the pavement, staring down at the notifications on the screen before internally cursing himself for not being smarter.
Lily - 23 missed calls
17 messages
James - 7 missed calls
3 messages
Marlene - 12 missed calls
30 messages
Sirius :) - 30 missed calls
28 messages
Peter - 9 missed calls
11 messages
“Fuck fuck fuck,” Remus chanted, dismissing half of the messages and writing out a rushed reply before his screen changed, a phone call coming through. “Yes hello, I’m so-”
“REMUS JOHN FUCKING LUPIN!” Lily’s angry voice blared throughout his cell. Wincing, he pulled it away from his ear as she continued. “ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WHERE ARE YOU?”
“Sorry, sorry. Hey, I’m sorry,” he said quickly, picking up his pace as he walked towards his own home. He could hear music in the background, she was very obviously still at James’. “I lost track of time, I’m sorry!”
“And you couldn’t warn me?” She all but growled in response, “we have all been worried sick!”
“Yes,” he deadpanned, “that I gathered. Fucking about one hundred miss calls between the lot of you.”
“Oh don’t give me that attitude Remus,” she scolded, sounding angrier by the minute. “You’ve been acting strange for days. What’s going on?”
“What?!” Remus shrieked, running across the road before any cars turned. “I haven’t been acting weird.”
“Oh, no?” She said, sarcasm littering her tone. “Remus you’ve been out the flat more and not just because of practice! Speaking of practice, you got yourself banned for however many games! You had a panic attack at the hospital!”
“How did you know that?” He asked, eyebrows drawn together in confusion. He fumbled with the fob on his keychain, unlocking the door to his apartment complex before jogging up the stairs.
“Friends talk, Remus.” She said, sternly. It was slightly frightening how long she was keeping up the protective act, usually she would have dropped it by now. But if it was one thing about Lily Evans that you should never presume, it was her predictability.
“Sirius,” he grumbled, the use of the other's name sending an unwanted amount of memories back to the front of Remus’ brain. Which, further, irritated his already present anger, he scowled before grumbling to himself and unlocking his door.
“He was worried -”
“I don’t care,” he bit back, slamming the door shut behind him and dropping his keys in the dish beside him. “Look. Lils, I’m fine. I’m ever so sorry I didn’t attend another fucking party -”
“Remus I’m not -”
“But I’m home now and I’m knackered,” he interrupted, swinging open his bedroom door. “Good night, have fun.”
“Remus I’m -”
And he put the phone down before dropping onto the top of his bed.
***
On Saturday morning, The Day After, Remus had begun to call it, he was rudely awoken by not only the sun peaking through the blinds he had left open, but also the aggressive tugging of his feet.
He immediately turned away from the touch, still half asleep and annoyed, and shoved his head under the pillow behind him. Though, unfortunately for him, the tugging continued - only to be joined with an angry voice.
Remus groaned again, mumbling a short fuck off into the cushion of his pillow beneath him, he kicked his legs out again as a hand wrapped around his foot.
“If - you - want,” Lily yelled between each tug. “To fall asleep with your clothes still on, be my fucking guest Remus.”
“Lily,” he grumbled again, finally waking further at her yells. He pulled back his feet, right out of her grasp and sat up against his headboard, plucking off his shoes by himself. “I can undress myself.”
“Well then,” she said, holding her hands at her hips. “I’ll believe that when I see it.”
“Fuck off,” he said, though it was muffled from behind his shirt as he lifted that and his hoodie right over his head.
“Remus!” She yelled as he untucked the blanket from beneath his pillows, pulling it up over himself, humming at the warmth it provided. “Oh my god, don’t you dare go back to sleep!”
“Lily!” He yelped, pushing at the weight that had appeared atop his abdomen. Opening his eyes, he sat back up and watched as the girl's frame wobbled slightly, after sitting on him. “Get off you tosser!”
“No,” she said, simply. Crossing her arms over her chest she turned slightly to face him now, right in the eyes. “Explain.”
He made a noise of resentment, digging the heels of his hands sharply into his eyes, pressing down hard enough to see shapes. When she didn’t relent he turned quickly, using his strength to push her back against the bed and rise to his own feet. Ignoring the girl, he crossed across his room and fled through the open threshold, right into the kitchen and towards the coffee machine.
“Remus, what is going on?” She asked, leaning against the counter as he reached into the cabinet to retrieve his own mug. “I’m the one who doesn’t talk. Not you. So -” she pushed away his cup after he’d dropped in a teaspoon of coffee, “get talking.”
He shook his head, a disapproving look on his face. “Look, Lily,” he said with a deep sigh, wiping his hands over his face. “I get it, okay!” And he really didn’t mean to raise his voice, but his head hurt, and his shoulder was aching, and he’d had an awful, terrible, fucking amazing dream about one particular black haired bloke, and was angry at his dad, and he missed his mum and - “okay? You’re the mum friend. You wanna be here for everyone. You wanna look after people. But did you ever consider that sometimes people don’t want to talk? Huh? What about that, Lily? You’re not the only person who gets to ignore your own feelings.”
“Remus I didn’t mean-”
“No!” He snapped, turning and facing her. “I get it. Okay? I get it, because I have to do it with you! But for the love of God Lily, just give it up.”
And he didn’t give her the chance to respond to that, instead he stalked back to his room, replacing his joggers with gym shorts and throwing on a t-shirt before remerging towards the front door. Lily, still standing shock-still in the kitchen, snapped out of it and followed him towards the flat's entrance.
“What?” She asked as he wrenched it open, “Remus. Where are you going?”
“Out.”
“Remus!” She yelled, reaching for his hand as he walked out into the hallway. “Hey,” she tried again, stumbling a little and he pulled out of her reach and walked towards the stairwell. “Remus!”
He reached for the handle, stopping and turning back to her with an expressionless face. “I’ve left my phone,” he said shortly, and then he disappeared through the door.
***
“Shitting, fucking shit fuck,” Remus gasped, bringing up his palm and cradling it with his other hand. He’d been out of his flat for god knows how long, starting off with a run around the campus tracks, then he spent his next hour in the University gym, before wandering off into town.
And that was where he was now, as the sun began its descent, walking down the canal, cradling his hand after having smacked it against a lonely bench along the walkway. He didn’t have his phone, which meant he had no music, and he had yelled at the only person who had ever understood him. He felt awful, and guilty, and confused.
So fucking confused.
He threw himself into the grass, leaning back against the hill and staring up at the greyish clouds. The sky would be dark soon, the stars would be out, the moon, Remus cringed.
His mother enjoyed stargazing, which meant he enjoyed stargazing.
His father had enjoyed basketball, which meant he enjoyed basketball.
His mother enjoyed long walks, listening to music, which meant he enjoyed long walks with music.
His father had enjoyed running, and Remus used it as a buffer to his anger.
It seemed, when he thought about it, a lot of things he enjoyed were taken from the people around him. But, did that mean that he enjoyed them because of his own pleasure or did he enjoy them because he was supposed to.
Or, really, was he just stressing over nothing, was it normal? Were everyone’s interests taken from the people around them? Sure, he supposed a lot of people introduced others to things, but it was different, deeper. Remus didn’t feel like his interests had been influenced, no, he felt like he was just another person's clone.
And really, he was. After all, he was always going to be his parents’ son.
But what was confusing the most, was that none of this is what was occupying his mind for the majority. No, that spot belonged to something else. Someone else.
“Urgh!” He huffed, slamming his head back down into the grass. Okay, it wasn’t like he was angry angry, he wasn’t - though, there was a little bit of rage spawning in the back of his head, though that was at himself. He was just… irritated. By everything. At everything.
He sat, quiet and brooding until the sun had completely disappeared, the moon rising in its place and the clouds becoming barriers to the stars. With a small grumble, he stood to his feet and wiped down his clothes, getting rid of any grass that may have clung to his shorts, red indents in his calves.
It took a bit longer than expected for him to make his way back to campus, not only was he subconsciously avoiding the shortcuts, but he also purposely went all throughout town - past the clubs and the bars, the busiest areas.
It was his own fault, what came next. Because he hadn’t really been paying attention and with his head down, watching his feet scuff against the pavement, he had no chance at moving out of the way of an oncoming body.
With a slight ‘oof’ another person collided with his sore shoulder, sending a jolt of pain throughout his arm. “Fuck - shit, I’m sorry -”
“Save it,” a familiar, cold voice said in response. And Remus internally cursed himself again for not looking at where he was going.
He looked up, albeit reluctantly, and flashed a sympathetic smile. “Right, well.” He went to side-step the man but a hand had reached out and stopped him, pulling him backwards along the pathway. “What?”
“How’s basketball treating you?” Snape quipped, looking him up and down before peering up at Remus through his curtain of dark hair. “Heard about your fight.”
Rolling his eyes, Remus let out a scoff before moving to walk away again, though he was followed this time. “Give it a rest Severus.”
“What?” He mock responded, jogging to catch Remus’ long strides. “Not fond of your very still present anger issues?”
Remus coughed out a fake laugh at that, shaking his head before turning down another road. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“No?” Snape said, a smirk present on his face. “So you didn’t punch whoever it was because they said something that hurt your feelings?”
“Piss off.”
“What? Am I wrong?”
Remus rolled his eyes, pulling out his keys as his apartment came into view. “Just piss off, okay?” He repeated as they crossed over.
“Long time no see, no?” Snape continued, very obviously not giving up whatever it is he’s playing at. “You still shagging Evans?”
“What!” Remus gawked, coming to a sudden stop in the middle of the street, alerting the people around them. Then, internally of course, he groaned in annoyance as he caught sight of two familiar bodies making their way over. “I was never - we never!” He stumbled on his words, turning around to face the other.
“Of course you were,” Severus shrugged, then he let out a sort of exasperated sigh before he too seemed to realise the two people walking towards them over Remus’ shoulder. “How the fuck do those two know each other?”
Remus turned around, feeling the sudden urge to bang his head against the nearest wall as Sirius and Lily came to stand beside them, both shooting unsatisfied looks towards the group's intruder.
“Erm,” Remus faltered, feeling the new presence of the people beside him.
“Whatever, it doesn’t matter,” Severus said, shooting a disgusted look Sirius’ way. Remus wanted to punch him. “Look, Lupin. Just wanted to offer you some advice. Take it or leave it.”
“Har har,” Remus scrunched up his nose at the boy, hating the way Snape seemed to look right through him.
“What’s going on?” Lily asked, crossing her arms over her chest in a threatening stance. She always hated the small run-ins either of them seemed to have with Severus across campus, though they seemed to be getting rarer and rarer as the days went on.
“Nothing,” both Snape and Remus spat at the same time.
They continued a sort of staring contest for the next few seconds, both of them seemingly sizing up the other. Eventually though, Severus relented, with a sneer he leaned in closer, whispering “just thought you should keep an eye out. I hear an old friend of yours is back on the court.” Then, he leaned back and crossed his own arms. “What do they say about wolves? Only loyal to their own packs.”
“Fuck off,” Remus bit out, though the news did take him by surprise. Of course it would be Severus reminding Remus of one of his worst accidents, of old memories. It was like the other man only ever existed to torment him.
“Hey hey,” he said with a move backwards, hands coming up in mock surrender. “Don’t shoot the messenger Lupin.”
“I think you should be on your way,” Lily said, stepping forward. As usual, to save the day. “Whilst I’m sure this has been nice, we have things to discuss.”
Remus groaned, throwing his head back as he remembered their argument that morning. Severus sneered at him one last time, sent a smile towards Lily, and turned his back to walk away. Deeming that a good idea, Remus spun on his heel in an attempt to walk away too but was soon discouraged as a hand wrapped around his bicep and pulled him closer.
“Not you,” Lily cooed, wrapping her other arm around Sirius’ as they all turned towards the pairs apartment.
“I’ve had such a shit day,” he said in complaint as they walked up the stairs. “I know I was an ass, but please for the love of everything that’s -”
“Not gonna happen, Remus.” She didn’t even look at him as they made their way up the stairs, the finality in her voice stopping Remus from continuing his plea. The three of them made their way further into the building in an awkward silence, before eventually arriving outside of Remus and Lily’s door.
It was then that Remus realised Sirius hadn’t said anything at all. And, really, why would he? Remus hadn’t spoken to him since the Halloween Party, nor had he answered any texts or phone calls. He chanced a look over his shoulder, down at the boy on the other side of Lily as the girl reached to unlock the door.
Sirius was looking right back at him, and despite Remus’ rudeness he sent the boy a small smile and shrugged his shoulders.
“Right,” Lily said, drawing the boys’ attention back to her. “No mentioning this morning's little tiff,” and then she pushed him inside.
“Hiya Loops!” Was his greeting, and his head snapped up in surprise at the voice. On the couch, in his own living room, sat Marlene and Dorcas, cuddled up together. Across from them, on the floor, were Peter and James, their previous game of cards discarded on the carpet.
Lily made her way to the kitchen side, rummaging through their snack drawers whilst Sirius nudged Remus’ shoulder, getting his attention. “No apologies,” he said with a calm voice, and then he wandered off into the living area himself, throwing his body onto the couch between the two girls.
***
In sports, it was very easy in some cases to develop serious injuries, which then further meant it was also quite easy at ending a career before it had even begun. If a sport you participated in was more than a hobby and something you want to do as a job.
Remus was unsure of whether he wanted to pursue basketball. Sure, he’d been told that he had the talent for it, but having the actual skill set to do something was nowhere near the same as having the passion.
He had passion, especially for the sport, the games, the practice, the distraction. But not to an extent where he’d like to do it for the rest of his life. Besides, that would tie him to his father. His career would be built off of his father, and Remus didn’t want that.
So, yes. Injuries were no surprise in sports. And despite that, each player dove head first into it without thinking of consequences. Injuries were a known fact, of course they were, but to most players they were fiction.
It’s like, you hear about all these things in the news but would never imagine them happening to you - until it does.
Remus never imagined having an injury at such an extreme length, untill, well, he got one. And that was all thanks to one singular person, though he was sure another had something to do with it.
In his final year of college, two years ago now, he was playing his final game before taking on his scholarship to Hogwarts. And he just so happened to be going up against the best team in that age range league. It was new, it was scary, it was exciting .
Remus played as he usually would, patient, initiative and cocky. But he used his bad mouth on the wrong person, it seemed. And, well, that’s what Severus was getting at wasn’t he? Remus couldn’t control his anger on the court, that much was obvious. And he’d already gotten kicked in for it, and still hadn’t learned.
It’s why the injury was his own fault. Or, at least that’s what his dad had said, being pulled out from his daily pub crawl to find his son at the hospital, all bandaged up.
He grew goosebumps at the memory, jumping and throwing a ball through the net on the opposite side of the court. His shoulder twinged as he replayed the scene.
It wasn’t even on the court - no. Gritting his teeth, he shook the thoughts from his head. He wouldn’t go back there, what happened had happened and that was it. He was fine, his shoulder was fine, it didn’t matter.
But the guy was back. And as much as he wanted to ignore it, he simply couldn’t.
Fenrir Greyback was back in the league, stronger than ever presumably too. And Remus couldn’t discourage the fear he felt going up against him once more. If they made it to the Ravenclaw game, that was.
The ball landing after having scoured pulled him back from his thoughts.
It had been a few days since his run in with Snape, and his mood hadn’t really lightened in the slightest, though his friends had taken the hint and stopped trying to bring it up. He’d apologised profusely to Lily the day after their sort of movie marathon with the others, and luckily the girl had immediately dropped it, though she did make sure he was aware of his major fuck up, and that she shouldn’t have been treated like that.
She was just trying to help. And though Remus still held a sort of grudge, he did let it go eventually, knowing that really he was the one in the wrong and not her.
Sirius, however, was a whole different story. Neither of them had brought up their little moment in the kitchen, but they had started talking again. Well, texting.
Remus hadn’t really bothered seeing anyone, or speaking to them in person. It would all be fine, he’d get over his little mood by the end of the week. That, really, wasn’t the reason he was hiding from anyone.
No, the two other stupid fucking wanks were the reason. He grimaced at the thought of them, feeling somehow guilty at the idea of getting off to the idea of someone else. He felt like a teenager all over again, and it was quite frankly, disturbing.
Keeping his distance would surely get rid of the images popping up randomly throughout the day. Keeping his head down and going to his classes alone would keep them away. Going to practice and ignoring his team would too. Staying behind and -
The sound of another ball landing after him scoring pulled him out of his thoughts once again.
Deeming that the end, he wandered around the gym hall and gathered up the scattered basketballs, almost as if this had become his exact routine this last week. After having put his things away he made a grab for Hooch’s keys and locked up the main hall, whistling to himself as he wandered down the corridor and towards the gym's exit.
After adjusting to the cold breeze he turned back to face the door, turning the key in the lock before a voice startled him from behind.
“Thought you’d be here.”
“Fuck,” Remus whispered, pulling at the key before turning to face Sirius, a pleasant smile masking his sudden discomfort. “Hi.”
“You wanna walk?” Sirius asked, jumping down from the brick wall that surrounded the building.
“Erm,” Remus hesitated, looking up and down at the campus grounds. Realistically, he should be okay with saying yes and wandering around alongside Sirius, because according to Sirius nothing had changed between them. And that was all just … bullshit. A lot had changed, for Remus at least. He sighed again, going to pocket Hooch’s keys before realising he had no hoodie pocket to deposit them into. “Shit.”
“Bad time?” Sirius asked with a frown, misjudging the situation. “We don’t have to, if you have somewhere to be?”
“No,” Remus said, far too quickly. Turning back to the gym door he shoved the key back in, unlocking it before looking over his shoulder, “forgot my bag.” He waved a hand as he stood aside, door open, and Sirius nodded, walking into the building beside him.
They walked down the hall in silence, passing the door to the office and stopping outside of the locker room. Remus pushed the door open, smiling down as Sirius slid in beneath his arm.
“This place is worse than I imagined,” Sirius muttered beneath his breath, standing aside and letting Remus walk through the room towards his own locker. “I don’t know how you guys do it.”
Remus laughed, shaking his head as he unlocked his locker, reaching in for his hoodie before picking up his duffel that lay on the bench facing it. “Guess we’re just used to it.”
“Still,” he dragged out a sigh in response, following Remus back towards the door. “Sports guys.”
Remus laughed at that, looking across his shoulder at Sirius as he walked beside him. He smiled to himself, tugging at the sleeve on his bag.
“So,” he said suddenly, tucking his hair behind his ears and coming to an abrupt stop in front of the other. “What’s going on?”
Remus frowned, stopping too. “What do you mean?”
“C’mon Remus,” Sirius fought, flicking at his bicep. “You’ve been… distant. I thought I had done something wrong at first -”
“What? No!”
“But,” Sirius continued with a smirk, leaning against the door beside them. “Then I heard you were pretty much ignoring everyone. So, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Remus shrugged, stubbornly. He didn’t want to talk about this now, he didn’t want to talk about it with Sirius. “Just stressed, I guess.”
“Hmm,” Sirius entertained, nodding his head as he looked around them. He smiled to himself, pushing open the door before walking through, leaving a baffled Remus standing alone in the hallway.
Recollecting himself, Remus shook out of it, following through the now closed door and into the room that wreaked of chlorine. He scrunched his nose at the potent smell, watching the pool's reflection dance across the tiled walls.
He looked around the room, tilting his head in confusion before dropping his bag to his feet - he’d pick it up again on his way out. For now, “Sirius?” He asked, voice echoing around the room.
“You know,” was received in response, making Remus jump. He turned at the sound of Sirius’ laugh, watching as the boy hopped down the stairs of the spectating seats. “I never got sports. I mean, James loves it, always has. But I was never into it.”
Remus watched, entranced at the sight of Sirius practically gliding down the stairs and towards him, the fluorescent of the room enhancing his features - when they didn’t need to be, thank you very much, Remus didn’t need any more reminders of the boy's beauty.
“Maybe it’s a gay thing,” he shrugged, coming to a soft stop at the bottom of the stairs. Remus stood still, watching. Though he couldn’t help the shocked laugh at the statement. “No,” Sirius continued, “I suppose not. That’s very stereotypical of me.”
Remus tilted his head, watching the other boy fight off a smile. He didn’t particularly know what to say, though something about him didn’t essentially want to cut him off, in fear it would make Sirius realise they were still in the gym building - not on their walk.
“I just prefer arts,” he sighed, pulling at the plastic chair of the stalls and taking a seat. He crossed one leg over the other and then tilted his head right back. “What got you into sports?”
Remus faltered at that, not really wanting to engage in this sort of conversation. Instead, he bit down on his lip in thought, wracking his eyes across the face opposing him. “What got you into arts?”
Sirius grinned wide at that, leaning back into the chair with a laugh. “Okay, fine. I’ll play.”
“You asked,” Remus said, remaining still but leaning back on his heels slightly.
“Touche,” the other shrugged. “My mother hated all things imagination. Proper uptight, posh, money obsessed family mine is. And, unfortunately for them, I’m quite the opposite.”
“Right,” Remus nodded, “for starters you’re not scary.”
Barking out a laugh, Sirius jumped up from his seat, taking the final step down and strolling over towards the edge of the pool, then he turned again, facing Remus. “I can be scary if I want to be Lupin.”
It was Remus’ turn to laugh at that, though he bit down on his lip to cover the majority of it. Shaking his head at the boy, he found himself absently stepping forward, closer. “I doubt that, incredibly.”
“You’re not scared of me?” Sirius pouted, also stepping closer. Remus shuddered internally, cursing the universe for allowing someone to look that good whilst mimicking an unpleasant expression. “Not even a little bit?”
Remus watched, eyes glued to Sirius’ frame as the boy came far too close, inches away from touching. Images of the party presented themselves to him once again, though they quickly disappeared once he realised a similar thing was happening here. Again.
He swallowed, hard. “No,” he breathed out, watching as Sirius raised his hand, pressing his palm flat against Remus’ chest.
“Heart rate says otherwise,” the boy whispered, leaning closer.
“Sirius,” Remus said, all air leaving his lungs. His hand rose, wrapping around the slim wrist that leant against him. “What -”
“Is it me?” Sirius asked, all previous humor from his voice leaving. His hand remained flat against Remus’ chest, though his fingers drummed against the hoodies fabric.
“I,” Remus hesitated, brown eyes tracing every feature of the face in front of him. He looked down to Sirius’ lips, parted and breathing, before looking back up at his eyes. He swallowed again, “is what you?”
Sirius seemed hesitant at that, worry filling his expression as he looked down at his hand, Remus’ own wrapped around it, and then back up at the other's face. “Sorry,” he said quickly, realising his proximity, he went to pull his hand away but Remus grip tightened, “what?”
Remus smiled then, watching Sirius’ eyes move far too quickly across his own features, down to his own lips and then back. He looked over his shoulder, watching the lighting bounce off of the water, realising how close to the edge the pair were.
“Oh absolutely not,” Sirius gasped, pulling his hand back as he followed Remus’ gaze. “Don’t even -”
But Remus had already moved his hands to Sirius’ waist, turning them around so now the other's back was against the pool. He pushed himself forward slightly, relishing in the feeling of Sirius gripping his forearms to keep himself steady.
“Stop!” He squealed, moving his arms in the air as he pushed against Remus, who was using his grip on the others hips to lean him back against the water. “I can’t swim!”
“Bullshit,” Remus laughed, watching Sirius’ nervous expression as he was lowered further and further into the water.
“This isn’t fair!” He continued to argue, fighting against Remus’ strong hold. “You’re an athlete!”
“Thought you were scary?” Remus teased, toying with the idea as he pushed Sirius back and forth above the pool, threatening to drop him in.
Sirius stopped fighting suddenly, leaning back further so that Remus had to strain to keep him above water. Though, that seemed to be the wrong move, considering Sirius smirked up at him. “You’re not going to drop me,” he decided.
“I might,” Remus fought back, loosening his grip before catching him again at the last minute. He tilted his head with a smile, “see.”
They were silent for a few minutes following that. The only noise was their own breathing, faces inches apart as Sirius’ entire body went slack, relying on Remus’ grip to keep him upright.
“Remus,” Sirius said on exhale, now intently staring at the others lips. Eyes unmoving as his grip adjusted on the others arms.
Remus froze at that, the sound of his own name on Sirius’ lips caught in his throat, arousal soaring right down his body. His throat ran dry once more as his grip loosened, and then the splashing of water snapped him right out of it, droplets thrown at him from the impact of Sirius’ fall.
“You dick!” Sirius said as he emerged, wiping the water from his eyes before staring up at Remus, a too wide grin sitting pretty on his face. “You actual arsehole.”
“That was your own fault!” Remus accused, staring down at the sight beneath him. Sirius dripping in the middle of the pool, ripples surrounding him as he treaded water. His hand quickly found its way to his mouth in attempts to muffle the sudden burst of laughter.
“Stop laughing!” Sirius yelled, splashing water up at the other. “You pushed me in! You don’t get to find this funny!”
Between his laughter, Remus responded, “it’s kind of funny.”
“I could have drowned!”
“You can swim!”
“I could have drowned!”
“But you didn’t!”
“Could have!”
“Didn’t!”
“Could - ugh!” He rolled his eyes, bringing his arms down to splash at the water around him before swimming towards the edge. “At least help me out, you dick,” and then he lifted an arm in the air awaiting Remus’ assistance.
Remus squinted down at him, crossing his arms over his chest. “Do you think I’m an idiot?”
With a smile, Sirius raised a singular eyebrow. “Do you want my honesty?”
“No,” Remus said suddenly, deciding against it. “Absolutely not. Get out.”
Laughing, Sirius pulled up against the wall of the pool, struggling with the upper body strength the pull required. He relented eventually, dropping back down into the water before looking up with a pout, “I can’t.”
“Fucks sake,” Remus laughed, crouching down towards the water. “Here,” and then he extended a singular arm, wrapping it tightly around Sirius’ hand as he reached out.
“See,” Sirius smiled, tilting his head, “Idiot,” and then he pulled him in.
Remus splashed into the water behind Sirius, falling all the way to the bottom of the pool before pushing himself up from the tiled floor and to the surface again. Gasping a quick breath as he shook his head in attempts to free his eyes of the wet curls that clung there.
“Not funny when it happens to you, huh?” Sirius mocked, watching as Remus wiped at his own face, a playful smirk on his lips.
“I’m an idiot,” Remus nodded, after having adjusted to the inconvenience. Nodding his head, he moved closer to the other, “I’m an idiot.” And he wasn’t just referring to his mistrust in Sirius just now.
Sirius’ smirk fell into a soft smile, watching with a hungry expression as Remus swam closer. “You are an idiot,” he whispered, meeting him halfway and wrapping his arms around Remus’ neck, heart fluttering as Remus’ own arms lifting him from beneath the water, forcing the other boy to wrap his legs around his waist. “A stupid, beautiful, fucking idiot.”
Remus nodded, inhaling deeply as Sirius pulled at the back of his neck, wrapping his curls around his fingers. “Sirius,” he said, moving through the water, pushing Sirius up against the wall of the pool. He leaned closer, mouths inches apart, feeling a fluttering feeling deep below his abdomen as Sirius’ eyes fluttered close. “Fuck, Sirius.”
The boy nodded, pulling Remus in closer by the back of his neck, legs tightening around him. “Remus, please.”
Whether it was the way his name sounded on Sirius’ tongue, the please, or the genuine proximity the two shared, Remus decided to close the gap. After having several opportunities, he couldn’t ignore one again.
Their lips met in a passionate embrace, needy and hard as Remus’ strong frame pushed Sirius further into the wall. Sirius pulled at the others hair, emitting a groan from the taller of the two before smiling against his lips.
It was all so quick, so desperate as they moved against one another. Remus, squeezing against Sirius’ waist where his hands lay, Sirius in turn exploring the back of Remus’ neck and hair.
Remus was the one who pulled back first, needing more air in his lungs, though he didn’t go far, both of them remaining close and breathing into one another's mouths. Sirius smiled up at him, lips red and kiss bitten, eyes wide as he took in Remus’ own appearance.
He, too, watched the other boys movement, neither of them releasing their touch on the other as they breathed each other in and out. Remus licked his lips, fingers trailing beneath the fabric of Sirius shirt to rub at the skin beneath.
“I’m an idiot,” He said, leaning his head down and resting it against Sirius’. He looked down at Sirius’ mouth, noticing the smirk that lay there and biting down on his own lip, groaning at the sight.
Sirius, obviously, took that as a sign to lean forward, nuzzling against the skin of Remus’ neck before trailing open mouthed kisses up towards his jaw, pulling short gasps from the other.
“You in that damned skirt,” Remus said, as Sirius’ hot mouth moved against his skin, his own hands trailing down the boy's hips, one venturing further in order to squeeze at his thighs. “At that stupid game.”
Sirius hummed against Remus’ neck, moving a hand from the back of his head to cup at his jaw, he pulled back, licking his lips before smiling down at Remus from where the other was holding him. “That stupid game,” Sirius agreed with a nod, running his thumb across his cheek. “You just standing beside James. Watching the crowd.”
He leaned forward again, connecting their lips for another time. This kiss moved slower than the other, more deliberately as they pushed against one another. Remus’ hands tugging Sirius lower as the other fought the urge to grind down against Remus’ hips.
“Remus,” Sirius moaned as the other broke the kiss, moving to litter more down the expanse of Sirius’ neck. He leaned his head back, giving the other man more skin to trace. “Fuck,” he gasped out, enjoying the feeling of teeth scraping against his pulse point.
Both bodies froze as a noise filtered around the room, a buzzing coming from the main entrance door. “Shit,” Remus gasped, pulling back as he realised it was his phone, from within his duffel bag, ringing.
Sirius laughed, leaning forward to press a kiss against Remus’ temple, without moving away, he whispered, “you might want to answer that. All the worrying everyones been doing about you.”
Grimacing, Remus suppressed a groan before letting Sirius slide to his feet, as much as he could anyone beneath the water. He pulled away from the other boy as the vibration started again, grabbing onto the side of the pool and lifting himself out of the water.
“How do I explain to Lily,” he said, shivering as he walked towards his bag. “That you’re at fault for all of this.”
“Me!” Sirius gasped, following suit and getting out of the pool too. “How is your disappearance my fault!?”
Remus smiled, reaching into the pocket of his bag before pulling out his phone, sure enough it was Lily calling him. “Skirt,” is all he said before answering the phone, leaning back against the wall as his clothes dripped onto the floor, “hey Lil.”
“REMUS JOHN LUPIN -”
Notes:
So, there we have it folks! I'll admit, I always wanted this setting for their first kiss, I just didn't think I'd make Remus such a cunt cause of his realisation. It just happened, and I apologise for him yelling at Lily, but in all honesty sometimes that can happen with friends! What's important is he apologised and realised he was wrong!
My cat has done nothing but sit and watch, meowing, at me the entire time I wrote this chapter. So any spelling mistakes I'm blaming on him! Also, I've never written explicit content before, this is my first time, and I do apologise if its a bit shit! But it does begin soon, though we're not in the clear just yet!
This chapter hasn't been edited nor proof read, because I just wanted to get it out as soon as possible. However, this is the last chapter now that has been pre-written, so head the warning in the notes above because updates are going to be a bit shit. But HEY, thanks for 100 hits!
Chapter 9: Stalemate, of sorts
Summary:
Remus goes on... a date?
Notes:
ermmmm chapter warnings
mention of nightmares - not explicit like, if you pay attention you can tell it has something to do with basketball but they're not described
past reference to abuse
past mention of character almost dying
brief mention of being outed
brief mention of character feeling as though they've manipulated anotherlmk if i missed any!
its a bit of a downer, but nothing horrible lol - just miscommunication
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The pain, that is brought on by the simplest of things, comes fast that early morning, as he jolts awake significantly quick, breathing heavily as his hand fists the sweat stained shirt. He’s far too cold, yet the sweat that clings to his forehead is hot, too hot. With tear-filled eyes, stinging against the descending moon's light, courtesy of the open curtains he forgot to close the previous night, he groans into his palms, feeling his chest slowing its rise and fall.
He collects his breathing, palming his eyes with calloused hands. It hurts, his shoulder, his stomach and there’s a sudden wave of nausea that runs right through him, all liquid and thin. His head hurts, pounding at the temples, so his hands leave his eyes and massage there instead. He’s used to these situations, though it’s been a while since he’s had to soothe himself back to consciousness.
“Fuck,” he groans out, leaning back hard against his beds headboard. One look at the digital clock on his bed side tells him it’s close to five in the morning, the sun won't rise for another few hours, and the November chill is evident in the gray clouds.
Not fond of the idea that is attempting to return to sleep, Remus peels his damp shirt from his torso, throwing it somewhere across the room before padding into the conjoined bathroom the two residents share. He didn’t actually see Lily come in last night, after their urgent phone call from the pool, and he hasn’t spoken to Sirius since either. Though, he proceeds with caution in case she did come home, in order to avoid waking her.
His nightmares came and went as a child, all throughout his teenage years and then again a few years ago after his accident, if you could even call it such. They started out tame, in retrospect to how they increased over the years, of his mother. Though they quickly escalated, going from arguments with Lyall, to his father almost dying and their time in the hospital until eventually someone else took that place deep within his subconscious.
And with it came the tear of bone, the ripping of skin, of blood and pain and aches. The sound of the squeaking of shoes on the court, the timer, the chatter of the changing rooms. His passion haunted him, spotlighting the monster of his dreams. It made him feel small, weak and fragile, he wanted nothing more but to call out to his mother, curled tightly beneath his sheets, crying for her to check under the bed, in the wardrobe.
Of course, he never did. For he didn’t have anybody to check those small nooks anymore, he didn’t have his mother to run her fingers through his hair, humming a safe tune in his ear as he drifted to sleep. He hadn’t had that in a long time. Guilt eating him as he slowly forgets her voice, the tune.
His reflection looks just as haunted as he feels, chapped lips and dark, glazed eyes - purple bags accompanying them. He shakes slightly, as his hands reach out to turn on the cold tap before he cups the water in his palms and splashes his face.
It doesn’t do much to make him better, and he’s already incredibly awake that the water doesn’t really soothe its purpose, but it rids the skin of sweat and he’s always appreciative of that. He showers quickly that morning, his blood pumping with adrenaline. It’s a Saturday, so he has nowhere to be and decides to use that to his advantage.
Quietly, he dresses, big jeans and a hoodie, his name etched across the back in support of his basketball team, and his run-down pair of converse. Making swift work of pocketing his keys, wallet and phone, he sticks his earphones in and leaves the flat silently.
He meets the cold air as expected, though it still sends a shiver through him, he’s not running today - he doesn’t want to bring his feelings to the surface just yet so he strolls further into town, searching for nothing at all and anything that could occupy his mind.
White teeth bite pink lips as he walks, pulling at the skin that’s already crisp, hands shoved deep into the warmth of his pocket. It’s not raining, but as he looks up at the lightening sky he feels as though it’ll come soon, so he pulls his hood over his head, the oversized clothing falling over his eyes as he keeps them trained on his feet.
It’s obvious, albeit a bit surprising considering the time, that he bumps into a body on his walk, for he’s not paying any attention at all to where he steps. And when he looks up anxiously to apologize to the person he so rudely barged into, he’s met with sudden relief at the familiar gray eyes.
“Shit, sorry,” he smiles sheepishly, though he’s met the person before it still feels a bit new to him to converse alone. “Wasn’t looking where I was going.”
Regulus didn’t respond straight away, instead they looked up at Remus’ face hesitantly, eyes scanning all features accessible. Darting from pale eye-bags to chapped lips. He felt his face heat in embarrassment.
It birthed a question, at the back of his mind. Was Regulus okay? Because it had just gone five in the morning, it’s cold out and they lack a coat, hands also shoved into joggers and a large black hoodie hiding their frame.
“You look like shit,” they eventually say, still looking Remus up and down as they stand on the side of the road in practical silence. A car drives past, splashing through the puddle by their feet.
Remus laughs, shaking his head, “thanks.” And then his eyebrows knit together in confusion, the same question swimming, so he asks, “are you alright?”
Unsurprisingly, Regulus does actually look taken aback slightly at that question. They tilt their head in though, internally debating which way they should take this conversation. And then they visibly deflate, sighing white smoke into the cold air.
“I was on my way to get some coffee,” they say, hands twisting from inside their pockets. “Walk and talk?”
They do walk, though it lacks in conversation, neither of them knowing which one of them should speak first. Remus’ heart beats quickly in his chest, still coming down from the torment that is bad sleep, and Regulus pulls at the skin around their finger, both clearly anxious in one another's company. Though, they can both really tell that it’s not that exactly, but the circumstances in which they’ve come across each other.
It’s quiet in town, early risers or morning workers passing by silently, a few wave and smile whilst others pace down the streets. Shops stand silent, few open in the early hours, but as they round a final corner, Remus is shown into a small twenty-four hour cafe that Regulus seems to frequent, tenseness evaporating from their shoulders as the small bell overhead signals their arrival.
The two of them walk up to the counter, waiting behind the only other person and taking in the menu that litters the wall above the coffee machines. Remus reaches into his pocket to extract his wallet when a shoulder nudges his bicep, the high difference between the two affecting its position.
He looks across at his company, taking in the simple smile that sits on Regulus’ face. They shrug, and point towards the counter, “on the house.”
And Remus can’t respond before a voice is shouting towards them, or one of them in particular.
“Reg!” It’s Pandora, the girl from the hospital. Her white-blonde hair is tied into two large buns atop her head, beads of all colors scattered within the curls. A white blouse, too large on her thin frame, though she pulls it off exceptionally well, covering her chest, and atop of that an apron that’s littered in pins. “What are you doing here so early? Oh - hey Remus!”
Remus mumbles his greeting as the two jump into steady conversation. His eyes travel the back wall, dark chalkboards working as menus’, small doodles on the one closest to the floor. There are empty plastic cups stacked high between each machine, closed mini-fridges at the bottom of the counters, beside them cupboards that most likely store cups.
Behind him, are small brown booths littering the wall of the windows, and the cafe is completely empty except for one student who seems so focussed on the laptop above the table that Remus bets they haven’t even recognised the company.
He’s brought back to the conversation in front of him when Regulus once again nudges his bicep, though this time it’s with their hand. “Drink?” They ask as Remus ponders the menu one more time. He settles on a tea, watching intrigued as Pandora sets to work on the two orders, and when she returns with them in hand, she does - in fact - tell them it’s on the house.
Regulus sends a smirk over their shoulder as they lead Remus to the furthest possible booth, beside the window. They sit facing each other, both taking a minute to blow at the steaming liquid before the pair of them look up, questions evident in their eyes.
It makes Remus smile, at the comfortability of Regulus’ company, though neither of them have actually spoken much yet. It calms him slightly, from his previous panic, so after he takes a short sip, he smiles, and asks again, “how are you doing?”
It takes them a good second to answer, and it’s obvious that they’re quite unsure with how much detail they want to go into. Eventually though, the walls that kept the words away crumbles.
“Better,” they nod, wrapping their palms around the teacup. “Walburga keeps trying to get in touch, but there’s not much she can do now she has no idea where I’m living.”
“That’s good then,” Remus settles on, and it’s almost as if they’re old friends catching up, typically that would be done, however, with a lighter topic. “And you know Sirius will help you out with whatever you need.”
“Mhm,” Regulus nods, though it seems to be a topic they don’t quite want to breach just yet, or have in Remus’ company. Remus can’t blame them. “You’re friends with Marlene McKinnon right?”
With a raised eyebrow, Remus nods, taking a sip of his own drink before clearing his throat. “Yeah, since we were in college. You know her?”
“Not really,” they admit. “But she’s been staying quite frequently.”
“With…Dorcas?”
“That’s the one,” and then Regulus is beaming, as if they’ve been invested in this since the beginning. “She’s fun, I like her. But we haven’t spoken much, she’s friends with Sirius too, no?”
“Apparently so,” Remus chuckles, and when Regulus sends him a confused look, he continues. “I haven’t known Sirius that long, we met in September.”
“Really?” Regulus’ eyebrows rise, and they genuinely do look shocked at that information. They smirk behind their cup, “and you’re already threatening his parents.”
Remus blushes at that, remembering that day in the hospital. In all honesty, he didn’t realize he was doing it at first, he had no intention to. But when the woman's hand raised, he felt a familiar rage, though it was certainly more extreme in the eyes of it happening to somebody else. His body moved before his mind could catch up with it.
“I think,” he said, internally debating. “She brought the first threat.”
“Sounds like her,” Regulus nodded, taking a large sip of their drink. “ He told me what happened after you left, you should have heard him and James gushing about you. I just wished I could have seen it.”
With a smirk of his own, Remus tilted his head, “if she comes near either of you again, you will.”
Regulus beams.
***
They remained at the cafe until hours after the sun had risen, only leaving by the time it had settled at its highest. Remus was admittedly confused at their initial reaction towards each other, on their walk in the morning, but as the hours ticked by and conversation continued he found himself feeling comfortable in Regulus’ presence. A friendship he hadn’t imagined he would ever need.
But it was nice, being able to talk to the other. Not only about Sirius, which was an obvious conversation topic - Regulus had snuffed it right out of the boy with a simple, “it’s in your eyes. The way you look at him” - and that was that then, really. And even further about their own studies, or really - what Regulus wanted to do. They had talked about wanting to transfer to Hogwarts, after initially starting their first year in a University that their parents deemed acceptable, and taking creative writing.
Remus had learnt a lot about their friendship with Pandora too, over the hours. How she was the first person in college to speak to them with genuine curiosity, how she looked after them when things weren’t great with their parents as well as when they were outed - unintentionally. Regulus made it clear they felt no negative emotions towards their best friend.
So, when they left, it was with smiles and a new friends’ number secured in their pockets. The drowsiness of his previous nightmare had soon settled after his second hot drink, and had completely evaporated by the time Pandora herself had joined after her shift.
The one thing that Regulus’ presence seemed to encourage, however, were thoughts about Sirius. They hadn’t spoken since last night, and Remus had been checking his phone regularly for any messages, but nothing seemed to come through.
Even now, as he strolled peacefully back to his apartment, in hopes of spending the rest of his Saturday watching movies with Lily, who had messaged to inform him Marlene was coming over. He couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed at the lack of communication between both boys. Deciding he’d leave it for the rest of the day, simply hoping for the best.
By the time he made his way up the stairs and down the hall to his apartment, unlocking it quietly - because Lily seemed to lock him out every single time, he wasn’t surprised in the slightest to find the two girls already cuddled up on the couch in their living room, Marlene scrolling through Netlix with her bottom lip between her teeth.
“Hey Rem,” Lily greeted, as he made his way through the room and into the kitchen. She sat up in her seat, Marlene’s head falling to her shoulder as she did so, and poked a waving hand from beneath the blanket they had stolen from his room. “Grab some popcorn will you.”
He rolled his eyes at the request, but nodded nonetheless. Making a cup of tea for himself as the bag of kernels popped in the microwave. Once everything was ready, he kicked clumsily at his shoes, throwing them somewhere in his walk to the couch.
“One bowl of salted popcorn,” he said with a smile, handing the bowl to the pair before taking a seat across from them. The girls smiled wide, immediately dropping their hands into the bowl, “freaks.”
“Salted popcorn is supreme,” Marlene chastised, making an “a-ha” noise as she, predictably, stumbled across the hunger games movies and clicked play on the first one. She ignored the two’s complaints and batted an unamused hand in the air, settling down to watch the movie that Remus was sure she knew word for word.
It was about halfway through the movie, just as Lily was coming back from the bathroom that she decided to strike conversation with him, from over Marlene’s shoulder. They hadn’t seen one another since yesterday morning, for Lily wasn’t home when he returned last night. Only once over the phone, due to his ignorance of her text messages. But she didn’t seem angry with him.
In a hushed whisper, careful not to wake Marlene, she lifted a brow and said, “so, where were you when I called yesterday? It sounded…echoey.”
“Echoey?” Remus repeated, twisting his body to face the girl, resting a long arm along the back of the couch.
“Mhm,” she nodded, carefully reaching for the last suitable popcorn pieces from the bottom of the bowl. “Like you were in the bathroom or something, were you at the gym?”
He nodded, hesitant. Sirius still hadn’t spoken to him about anything, making him unsure of how much detail he wanted to go into. Would Sirius have considered it a one time thing? But he was pretty sure that Sirius had wanted to kiss him, if not for a long time - surely he wouldn’t have mentioned seeing him at the game otherwise.
Unfortunately, Lily had obviously caught on to his hesitation, taking far too long to respond to her simple question. She curled an eyebrow, tilting her head at him, “Remus?”
He looked up quickly then, brown eyes meeting green in an expression of shock. She smiled, eagerly, and he knew she had caught on to something. Sighing, he nodded, “Sirius came by.”
“To the…gym?” She reiterated, seemingly confused at that. Leaning back against the arm of the chair, Marlene’s limp body came with her and rested on her chest. “For what?”
Remus bit down on his lip, pulling at the thread on the back of the couch. “He wanted to go for a walk.”
“Right…” she trailed, looking at him with intense curiosity. He felt as though he was being quizzed, skin burning as he rushed a shaky hand through his messy hair. “And then what. What aren’t you telling me?”
“Ikissedhim,” he said, all in one breath, refusing eye contact with the girl across from him. His fingers continued to pull at the loose thread, hands in need of some sort of movement. When he found the courage to look up again, Lily looked at him with narrowed eyes, nodding her head for him to continue.
“I..” he hesitated, he was never one to talk about his love life with friends, though he supposed Lily deserved some sort of explanation to his low mood the past few weeks, not that Sirius was at fault for any of that. “I think I like him…a-and that’s why I’ve been off?”
“You’ve been…off? Because you like someone?”
“Well, no,” he shook his head quickly, not wanting her to get the wrong impression. “I don’t know. It’s scary, I didn’t know who he was up until recently, right? And..and I’ve never liked anyone this quickly and then shit happened with his parents and it just kind of sent me back to things with dad and….well, it’s all been a lot.”
She nodded, a small smile on her lips. “I get that, old memories and all that. Is that why you’ve been out more? What’ve you been doing?”
“Running,” he admitted, and she made a sound of acknowledgement at the confession, understanding that old habits die hard, and all that. “It’s not because of him - don’t, don’t get me wrong. I like him, and I think I like liking him. I’m just having a shitty time…and with Sev, he says Fenrir’s back in the competition and it’s a bit….”
“Much?” Lily supplied, leaning over as far as she could to grasp his hand in a friendly embrace. Remus held back tighter. “I get that, you’re stressed, I don’t need an explanation.”
“But you need an apology,” he was quick to say. “I spoke to you like shit, Lils. You don’t deserve that.”
“I know I can be,” she hesitated, shaking her other hand in a circle of thought. “A bit overbearing at times, but it’s all with good intention, Rem. I don’t mean to pry, I just worry.”
“No, but you have every right to care about people, I shouldn’t let it irritate me.”
“There’s a difference between caring and straight up being nosey, Remus,” she sighed, deeply. “I’ll admit, I had every right to interrogate you, especially because I was worried. But there were kinder ways I could have gone about it, and there were kinder ways you could have reacted. It’s not - you’re not in the wrong, and neither am I.”
He nodded, clutching her hand in his own. “I know, but I'm still sorry.”
“And so am I,” she smiled. And then, with an amused look, she pinched the skin of his knuckles, laughing at his sudden gasp. “Now tell me about this crush!”
***
Remus
Hey
He frowned down at his phone, the last message he had sent over an hour ago staring back up at him as if it was haunting. It wasn’t the only message he had sent all day, a string of several other questions, greetings and requests to meet up and talk. All of which secured the, read, sign beneath them. It made a sad feeling swell in his stomach, each time he looked.
Sirius, evidently at this point, was ignoring him.
And it made no sense, he reasoned, drying his wet curls with a towel before throwing it off into the corner of his room and falling down onto his bed. He sighed, checking the message receipts for the fortieth time that day, or so it felt as such.
Had he done something wrong? Had he read the entire situation wrong? Had he, God forbid, forced Sirius into it?
Biting down on his lip hard, he knitted his eyebrows together, staring down at the small device in his hands. His legs were crossed at his ankles, over the covers, as he leaned harshly into his headboard. Debating whether he should call Sirius, he scrolled past through their old chats, smiling at the small flirts both of them had sent.
It made no sense.
Was Sirius just leading him on? Messing with his feelings, maybe?
“Lily!” He called, after hearing the bathroom door open from her side. She swore under her breath in response before swinging the door open, covered only in a towel, body dry.
“I was just about to get in the shower, you scared the shit out of me!” Was her response, eyes narrowed teasingly. Though the emotion quickly fell from her face when she took in Remus’ worried expression. “What’s wrong?” She asked, instead, walking over and taking a seat at the bottom of his bed.
“It’s,” he began, lifting his phone before dropping it onto his covers. “Stupid. It’s stupid.”
“If it’s upsetting you, it’s not stupid Remus.”
He looked up at her, embarrassment filling his mind at his childish response to the situation. Maybe Sirius was just busy, or maybe Regulus had gone to see him or something along the lines. He was probably just overeating.
“Enough of that,” Lily scolded, snapping him out of his thoughts. “You’re upset about something. Stop overthinking it. Spit it out.”
“Sirius is ignoring me,” he said quietly, in hopes she wouldn’t actually hear it. When he looked up again, and her face was mixed with both confusion and a little anger, he scooped up the phone and handed it over, showing her the messages. “He’s read them all, no response.”
“Well that’s a dick move,” she grumbled, scrolling through the multiple messages. The sun had long set, casting a dark glow in the room, only accompanied by his dying bedside lamp. He watched as she turned the phone off, letting it fall to the bed once more before getting up and walking through the bathroom into her room.
When she came back, it was with her own phone clutched in her hands. She settled comfortably beside him, scrolling through her contacts before she came across James’.
“What’re you doing?” He asked, biting down on his bottom lip as he hovered over her shoulder, watching her type out a message. “Lily!” He exclaimed, reaching for the phone.
But she was too quick, swiping it out of sight before sending it, leaning back with a victorious grin. “I’m just asking a simple question, he won’t even know that it’s you I’m asking for.”
Shaking his head, making it entirely clear that he didn’t agree with her tactics, he moved a little closer to watch the conversation the two shared.
Lily
You and Sirius up to much today?
James
Not rlly
He went out this morning, came back in a mood so we’ve been having a movie day
Lily
A mood? Is he ok?
James
Seems fine if not a bit upset
Won’t elaborate
Lily
Oh, well that sucks
Hope he feels better soon
James
Thx
Whats up?
Lily
Oh nothing, just wanted to check in
James
Yeah? Im good
We still on for tuesday?
Lily
Course
Im gonna go for a shower, talk later james!
James
Bye, flower!
"Well," Lily sighed, turning off her phone. "That wasn't helpful in the slightest - try him again!" She nudged his shoulder, using her head to point to his discarded phone.
"No I don't think so," he spoked hesitantly, scratching at the back of his neck. "If he's in a mood and doesn't want to talk, then I should let him deal with his stuff. Anything could have happened."
She frowned at that, looking over her shoulder at him. It was obvious there was more she wanted to say, but she refrained - standing back up and heading towards the bathroom, she stopped just beside the threshold, hand waiting to close the door. "I won't make you text him. But if he's ignoring you right after you guys kissed it's a bit of a dick move, Remus." She didn't give him time to respond, closing the door and turning the shower on immediately, leaving him in the silence of his now empty room.
He debated messaging again for a little longer, staring down at the black phone case that covered his cell, internally going over multiple scenarios that his brain eagerly supplied. If Sirius was going to continue ignoring him, then there'd be no point in messaging again. But if he was truly upset about something, Remus wanted him to know he was there to talk if he ever needed it.
Frowning, he took to lying under his covers, moving his phone to the table at his bedside and staring at it this way. Eventually, after his hot shower, sleep pried at him incessantly, it wasn't long until he returned to unconsciousness once more.
***
His brain, during the night, had managed to calm a little - reminding him that people had lives outside of his, and separate feelings to situations involving him. Sirius was obviously upset about something, so when he woke he had sent a message, letting the boy know he was here if he needed to chat, and simply went about his relaxed Sunday. The pair of them, Lily and Remus, had managed to clean the entire apartment, from sweeping the floors to dusting the walls, and mopping on top of that, and by the time that night had fallen, and their stomachs were filled with cheap takeout food, Sirius had still not responded to a simple text.
He sighed down at his phone as he got ready for bed that night, setting his alarms for the next day of classes, packing his gym bag so he wouldn't have to in the morning, and got into bed, sending a quick message before he fell asleep.
However, with Sunday turning to Monday, and eventually Monday turning to Tuesday which inevitably ended up being Thursday and then the next Saturday, without a single text in response, Remus couldn't help but feel like it was him Sirius was upset with. And that was best case scenario, worst case was Remus had misread the entire situation and had pushed Sirius into kissing him, which has now ended up with him being avoided.
Sirius didn't come by the gym, nor did he see the boy on campus, or even reached out through James. Lily, on the other hand, had directly asked James about the boy, to which she received no answer to at all. James claimed that Sirius hadn't said anything about Remus at all, and he was kind enough to say this to the boy in person at their next practice.
But as the weekend quickly disappeared, and the month of December came crashing down around them, the pit in the depths of Remus' stomach simply enlarged, nothing much doing anything to tame it. He ran, every day - he stayed late at practices, and that stress and fatigue of his body only added to his (what had become frequent) nightmares.
He found himself waking in a cold sweat most mornings, before the sun had even attempted its rise. And each time, he left the apartment in a hurry to distract himself. He had met Regulus for a coffee one more time since their first, both seemingly up at silly hours. Though they didn't push each other as to why.
That night, when he found himself curled up in his bed, feeling incredibly under the weather, it was Lily who came into his room with hot chocolates for the pair, her laptop to watch movies and with the idea to email both of their professors to tell them they wouldn't be present in tomorrows classes. After about half an hour of protests from the boy, claiming Lily shouldn't miss classes just because he was sick, he had officially given up with trying to discourage her idea.
So they settled, cuddled up against one another as they played their continuing episode of Gilmore Girls and sipped at their steaming hot drinks. Night quickly fell around them, the room lit by nothing but the screen of the laptop, the only noise the audio accompanied by quiet laughs or sighs. Lily would often complain about something happening within the show, though Remus was hardly paying attention - too focused on the phone that lay (dead, now) on his bedside table.
He hadn't messaged Sirius at all today, though he had sent him multiple throughout the week. When it was clear he wasn't going to get a response, even though that had been his conclusion days ago, he opted for letting it die and 'forgetting' to charge it, which he'd only decided on this afternoon.
They were three episodes in when Lily's phone chimed from beneath the pillow she lay her head on. With an unamused grunt she wriggled around beneath the sheets in order to free it, sending a sorry look to Remus when she nudged his shoulder. She lay back down beside him, holding the phone high enough for them both to see, as she read the message from James.
James
did you know Remus kissed him?
Lily
what?
that was like two weeks ago
James
yeah well I only just found out
Lily
is something..wrong with that?
James
I mean, it seems a bit like he's leading him on
Lily
excuse me?
James
Remus kissing him?
it's sending mixed signals
Remus stilled beside her as they read over the text, once and then twice, twice and then a third. The pair looked back and forth between one another and the phone screen, both equally confused. Lily sent a look of anger to him before typing out another response, neither of them quite understanding why Remus had led Sirius on when it was the other ignoring him.
Lily
no it isn't???
im p sure kissing him made remus' feelings clear
James
what?
kissing him and then going on a date
yeah, that sounds p clear lils
"YOU WENT ON A DATE?" Lily shrieked, throwing her body up as the pair both rose from beneath the blankets. "Remus," she sighed, running a stressed hand through her hair before turning on her side slightly to face him. "You didn't tell me you went on a date?"
"Wha-" he fumbled, a look of pure confusion settling on his face. He looked back at his activities from the past two weeks, running them over in his mind several times before coming back empty handed. Nightmares, running, classes, gym, basketball, home...nightmares, running, gym, home...nightmares, running, home...nightmares, runn- "no. I didn't."
She huffed, lying back down and opening their messages again: there were more.
James
did you know???
is that why you had asked what we were up to?
it was on that day
thats what sirius said
Lily
what??????
remus didn't go on a date?
James
you mean he hasn't told you he's been on a date
Lily
james
he hasn't
James
do u have proof of that?
Lily
what the fuck james
he's my best friend
if he says he hasn't, then he hasn't
James
right well whilst my best friend has been in a horrible mood because the boy he likes kissed him and then went out with his younger sibling whats urs doing? going on more dates? having a blast, laughing, smiling? what is his problem?
Lily
what...the fuck
not that its ANY of ur business, Potter
but Remus has been cooped up in his room all weekend ill as fuck because hes stressing over the fact YOUR best friend has been ignoring him
which, by the way, is a dick move completely
he thinks he pushed sirius into the kiss! it was a mutual thing and here remus is thinking hes somehow manipulated him
"Lily," Remus warned, not feeling entirely comfortable with her telling James of his stress.
James
well, play with someones feelings, get ignored
Lily
if ANYBODY is playing with anyones feelings, its sirius
James
sirius isnt the one going on dates
Lily
neither is remus!
"Charge your phone," Lily ordered, reaching over Remus to hand him his cell. He took it, hesitantly, before plugging it in to charge. "You're going to message Sirius and tell him to fucking talk to you about this. Why does he think you went on a date with Regulus?"
Remus knitted his eyebrows together, thinking of any possible reason that could be the case. Nightmares, running, lectures, gym...nightmares, running, lectures, gym...nightma- "shit."
His phone lit up seconds later, quickly rushing for it and opening his messages before a text notification came through. It was from Regulus.
"Okay, Remus. What the fuck?" Lily asked, also seeing the text come through at the top of his screen. "You didn't did you?"
"No!" Remus said, loud and embarrassed. "It was when my nightmares first came back, I bumped into them in town so we decided to get some coffee. It wasn't a date! And I gushed about their brother for hours!"
Lily deflated, ignoring the pinging of her own phone, she sent him a sympathetic smile before nodding down at the screen. He understood immediately, opening the new message as the both read over his shoulder.
Regulus
Remus, have you heard from Sirius?
He's been ignoring me for weeks.
Remus
shit reg
he's been ignoring me too
Regulus
why?
Remus
he saw us at the cafe i think
thought we were on a date
so he hasn't been speaking to me
Regulus
shit
what a complete idiot
Remus
tell me about it
he wont respond to my messages at all
Regulus
let me call him
one second
Remus
okay
After the pair had watched the short conversation with Regulus, Lily's phone chimed again. He looked up from his own screen, internally debating sending an explanation to Sirius before the girl beside him huffed and opened her own phone. Forgetting his, he let it fall back onto the bed before watching more of James and Lily's conversation.
James
listen, lils.
i get he's ur best friend n all but its a shitty thing to do
sirius has been a wreck
thats not fair
surely u see that?
Lily
of course i do, james
but thats not what happened at all
this is a bunch of miss communication
and, no offence, but sirius instigated this stress, remus has been feeling like shit too
James
i feel like you're not understanding the situation lily
Lily
no. u and sirius aren't
because you're not letting anyone explain anything
do u not wanna hear the story before u jump to conclusions?
grow up james
James
what?
me grow up??? lily wtf
Lily
remus didn't go on a date with regulus
James
sirius saw them at the cafe!
Lily
and does that mean it was a date???
James
well, he says it looked like it
Lily
well then he's obviously insecure
and that's fine, im not saying thats his fault
but rather than being childish and ignoring all of remus' messages, he could have COMMUNICATED
James
has remus even tried to talk?
Lily
oh dont give me that shit james
of course he has
hes been sending him messages every day, multiple times a day for the past two weeks
sirius has replied to none
James
well, sirius didnt tell me that
Lily
this is what i mean about jumping to conclusions james
you dont have all the details
sometimes you cant be the hero
James
im upset my best friend is sad
are you telling me u wouldnt defend remus?
Lily
no.
im telling you that you need all information first
c'mon james ur friends with remus too!
James
regulus just called sirius
Lily
and?
James
dunno
hes gone to his room
Lily
well, message me when u get ur facts
James
what?
Lily
good night james
James
lily im sorry, look
ill talk to sirius
Lily
yeah, at least he'll talk to someone
James
thats not fair
Lily
neither is what he's put remus through
good bye
Notes:
lol, sorry.
silly siriusnext chapter will be out shortly, and from sirius' pov :D
(its not a repeat of this chapter, it starts with regulus and sirius' phone call :p)its my birthday month chatters!
Chapter 10: Apologies
Summary:
Trying, together
Notes:
Warnings for this chapter include:
mention of hospitals (reference to Lyall, situation regarding Regulus)
mention of character death (Hope)
reference to child abuse - blink and you miss it - it's impliedi THINK that's it, this isn't a "short" one but it's all in one setting so technically it is? Anyway, sorry for the late upload - I was going to post this on the 13th and forgot, and then it was my birthday yesterday and I was in Liverpool all day and never got the chance ha, so here it is for you now!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Sirius POV
He really, really did not want to tell James in great detail why he had been spending most of his free time in bed doing nothing at all - nor did he want to tell him anything, in any amount of detail, thank you very much. Though, he supposed, he should have been used to this by now, he couldn’t hide from James Potter forever, or at all, really.
“It’s not that big a deal,” he sighed, for the tenth time that evening. He was lounging back on their couches, one leg kicked over the back whilst James paced around the carpeted space between the two. He’d tried, many a times, to calm his friend down from his relentless name calling which mostly consisted of “dickhead”, “wanker,” and “fucking fucker fuck” - he got a laugh from that one.
“It’s not that big a deal!” James stood, dead still. Mocking Sirius’ simple tone with sarcasm, he seemed outraged at the thought, he shook his head and continued his pacing. “What are we gonna do? What shall we say to him? Need me to beat him up?”
“James, no - c’mon, stop it.”
“He went on a date with Regulus!”
“He has free will?”
“After he kissed you!”
“We didn’t talk about what it meant?”
“Sirius!”
“...James?”
“You’re hopeless,” James scoffed, dropping immediately to the floor and ripping his phone from his hoodie's front pocket. He stuck his tongue between his lips as he typed away, and then frowned, and then scoffed, rearing back at the screen in confusion.
Sirius knitted his eyebrows together, sitting up properly and staring down the boy across from him. “Who are you talking to?”
Waving a nonchalant hand, James looked down at his phone and muttered a quiet “Lily,” before scoffing once more.
“James!” Sirius seethed, leaning forward in his seat in attempts to snatch the phone from his grip. “Leave it alone, will you?!”
“She’s defending him!”
“Yeah well they’re best friends you pillock!”
“He’s being a dick!”
“You defend me when I’m being a dick!”
“This is different,” James said, dropping the phone to his lap and huffing up at the boy on the couch. “He’s the one in the wrong and she’s-” he had no room to continue, for they were both stripped from their thoughts at the sound of Sirius’ phone ringing from the other side of the couch. James tilted his head to the side, asking, “who’s calling?”
Looking down at the vibrating cell, Sirius huffed - answering in case it was an emergency after responding with a dull, “Reggie,” he swiped on accept, saying a quick “hello,” before wandering off to his own room for privacy.
“Sirius Orion Black, you are the stupidest person I know!” Regulus seethed down the line, continuing as Sirius closed the door behind him. “Do you take pride in your lack of brain cells? Obviously you do, otherwise we wouldn’t be here right now would we - god Sirius for fuck sake-”
“Are you quite finished?” Sirius shot back, all venom. He clicked his teeth with his tongue as he sat on the edge of the bed, pulling at the bedspread as his younger sibling laughed through the devices.
“Oh my god,” Regulus continued, though they quickly began to laugh, evident in the sound that they were attempting to muffle it. “Oh my god, Sirius you’re such an idiot. What the fuck!”
“I’m so confused,” Sirius sighed, leaning back onto the bed. “Did you call for something or?”
“Like that would matter anyway,” they scoffed, shuffling sounds coming through the speaker. “Considering you’ve been ignoring me for two weeks.”
“Yeah cause you went on a date with my -” he froze, stilling all movements with his hands. He hadn’t meant to say ‘his’ anything, especially in concern to him. “With Remus.”
Regulus laughed again, and Sirius could tell they were shaking their head at him. “Yeah, so I’ve heard. Thanks for informing me by the way, neither of us had a clue we were on a date.”
“What is that even supposed to mean?” Sirius asked, tired.
“It means it wasn’t a date you prick,” they went on, Sirius heard a glass clinking somewhere in the background. “We ran into each other at like five in the morning, and he looked like fucking shit, I knew Pandora was working and would give us free drinks. So we went to the cafe.”
“I saw you guys at like eleven though, that’s a pretty long time to get one single drink.”
“It wasn’t one single drink, idiot. And regardless, he was going on and on about you the entire time,” Regulus said. They sighed deeply, the sound of a door closing before they came back to the phone clearer. “He looked like crap, Sirius. He’s having nightmares, and he’s stressed. Did you know he’s made himself sick? Worrying about you because you’re an idiot and keep jumping to conclusions?”
“I didn’t - I don’t.”
“You didn’t mean to, I know,” they said calmly, all ulterior anger dissipating. “I get that it may have looked that way to you, and I do apologize for that, and I’m sure Remus would too if you gave him the chance. But that’s the thing Sirius, you’re not giving it to him, are you? You jumped to a conclusion, the wrong one at that, and have hurt yourself and him in the process. That boy adores you, don’t fuck that up.”
And then, surprisingly, Regulus put the phone down on their brother.
“Fuck sake,” Sirius groaned, dropping his phone and bringing his hands up to palm at his eyes. He’d made a right mistake, all because he felt jealous of seeing Remus laughing with Regulus. Really.. Shouldn’t that be a good thing? The person he likes so much gets on with his sibling, that’s good, no? And here he is, fucking all that up.
A knock sounded at the door, pulling him from his internal spiral, “s’me,” James said sadly. He opened without response, walking glumly over to the bed and flinging himself down beside the other boy. “Lily’s pissed at me.”
“You did jump the gun a little,” Sirius smiled teasingly, nudging his shoulder with his own.
James’ eyes narrowed, pointing at him threateningly, “one day you’ll remember you love me, Black.”
He grimaced, shaking his head before sitting up and dropping his head into his hands. “I’m such a fucking idiot James.”
“Mhm,” he made a noise, shifting to sit beside him and throwing an arm over Sirius’ shoulder, “what did Reg say?”
“That I’m an idiot and am making myself miserable for no reason.”
“So…it wasn’t a date?”
“It wasn’t a date.”
“Well!” James clapped, “I erm..think we both owe Remus an apology.”
Sirius’ head snapped up so hard he had to clutch at his neck, rubbing at the skin that stung. “James,” he treaded carefully, “what did you say?”
“Imayhavesaidhewassendingmixedsignals," he said, all in one breath. And then, "andinsinuatedhewasaplayer.”
“JAMES!”
Sirius
I’m coming over
***
Remus POV
Two more episodes down, conversations past, and feelings outspoken the pair are both brutally shaken awake by a loud buzzing somewhere down the hall. Rolling onto his side, Remus leans over his bedside, reaching for his phone to check the time. It's then that he see's the influx of messages he previously missed as the two of them fell into a deep, needed, sleep. He grunts at the light, shifting from beneath the covers to scroll through the notifications.
The buzz sounds again.
"Mhm-mm," Lily grunts on her side of the bed, throwing a blind arm in the air and hitting him straight in the face with it. "Shuddup."
He tuts, moving his head out of the way as her arm comes soaring back down, and the noise appears once more. His eyes widen when he looks down at the messages that are now on his screen, a strange feeling whirling in his gut. "Fuck."
A buzz.
"Remus," Lily says, shifting up having woken from the noise too. It's just gone one in the morning, and Remus is ever grateful Lily took it upon herself to cancel attending classes tomorrow. "What is that?"
"It's the fucking door," he says, quickly. Shooting straight out of bed, fighting the covers with his left leg, they don't seem to want to let go just yet, but he fights anyway. Freeing himself from the clinging material, he throws his phone back onto the bed and stumbles towards the door. "Sirius is here."
"He what!" She shrieks, shooting upwards. "What time is it?"
"One-in-the-morning," he replies, forcing his basketball hoodie over his untamed head of curls. After he emerges from the other side he sends her a pointed look, pointing through the bathroom and into her own before he wrenches the door open and trudges through to the phone in order to let the other boy in. "Sirius!" He says, exasperated as he brings the phone to his ear, suddenly finding himself wishing for cameras so he can see the other boys state from downstairs.
"Erm, hi," a voice replies, static through the answering machine. "Can you - erm - let me in?" And there's a shiver in his tone, and that's when Remus looks towards the kitchen window. It's raining. Of course it is.
"Yep," he says with a sigh, pressing harshly onto the button, "doors open." And then he opens the door, because it was in fact not open before rushing towards the bathroom, sticking his toothbrush into his mouth as Lily passes.
"If he's a dick I'm kicking him out," she practically snarls, storming into her own room, laptop clutched to her chest, and slamming the bedroom door once she's through. Remus stifles a giggle at her 'morning' mood.
Despite the invitation he gave previously, there's still a knock that sounds at the door, rather than Sirius letting himself in. Remus groans into his palm, spitting in the sink before depositing his toothbrush back into the cup, he struggles on his way to the front door, forcing new socks to go over his feet. He uses the back of the couch for support before turning the corner for the narrow hallway of their flats entrance.
Bringing a hand to the door knob he halts. Sirius is outside his house, at gone one in the morning, having walked in the rain. Though he neglects their ongoing thread of text messages, after ignoring him for the past two weeks. None of it makes sense, and as he peers through the small peep hole in his door, he can see the boy holding a plastic bag in his hand. He's nervous, Remus can tell by the way he's tugging on the ends of his drenched hoodie. He sighs again.
"Hi," Sirius says, quietly, once the door is open. He looks up at him, eyes glazed over and red, though Remus can't tell if that's due to the cold or if he had possibly been crying earlier. He's going to bet on the latter, or he's at least hoping for it. And then he internally groans, because he doesn't want Sirius to be upset. "Er, can I come in?"
Remus looks down at him, struck for words as he watches water drip from the ends of the boys hair. It's down, and looks as if it hasn't been brushed in a while. Though that doesn't stop the warm feeling rotting in the depths of his stomach when he takes in his appearance. He steps to the side, allowing him to walk through the threshold before closing the door behind him.
He doesn't speak, and Sirius doesn't quite know what to say either. But he does lead him further into the flat, straight through towards his room where he begins rummaging through his own drawers. Once satisfied with his options, he turns to the other (who's now taken to standing awkwardly by the bathroom door) and hands over a dry pair of flannel pants and an oversized shirt of his own.
Wordlessly, because he isn't quite sure what to say yet, he hands them to Sirius and opens the bathroom door - gesturing inside for him to get changed. Sirius seems to understand, because he takes the items and walks backwards into the room, only looking away when he brings himself to close the door for privacy.
And Remus is left alone in the silence, he looks back at his bed, the sheets ruffled and empty sweet packages on both bedside tables. He moves quickly, shoving them all into the small bin that lies in the corner of his room, smooths down his sheets - for some reason - and pulls at the strings of his hoodie nervously as he takes a seat on the edge of his bed.
His brain isn't comprehending what's going on right now, or why Sirius is changing in his bathroom out of wet clothes. He doesn't know what to say when he returns, or if he has anything to say at all, his heads pounding with an oncoming migraine and his throat is dry. That seems to spark some sort of common sense in his head, because he's moving out of his room and into the kitchen seconds later, boiling the kettle and preparing two cups of tea. But he doesn't know how Sirius takes his, so that's brought forth as a conversation starter for when he returns.
He focuses on his own first, dropping the tea bag into it followed by three sugars - because he likes it sweet, and despite Lily's nagging to lessen his sugar intake, he had never brought himself to try it without. Then, once the kettle chimes its finish, he pours the boiling water into it. It's when he's chucking the tea bag into their bin that his bedroom door opens again, quiet footsteps making their way towards him.
He turns, spoon in hand, and watches as Sirius comes into view. His hairs tied into a bun now, damp and stringy on his head, his bag hangs awkwardly in his hands, hitting his thigh as he walks. And despite it all, all the worrying, all the overthinking - Remus can't help the smile that clings to his face as he takes in the sight of Sirius in his own clothes. They're drowning him - which is a given, really - but he looks warm, and comfortable, and the shirt is hanging loosely off of his shoulder, exposing the pale skin that sits their, accompanied by a vine-like tattoo that travels down the back of his shoulder blade.
"Tea?" Remus finds himself asking, and it must startle the other because Sirius comes to a quick stop, looking towards the kitchen sheepishly and nodding his head, requesting two sugars and no milk. Remus catalogues that somewhere in the depths of his brain, he'll want it for future reference - he hopes.
Once both drinks are made, he pulls them both into his hands before motioning towards the couch in the opposing room. They go silently, both unsure in what exact proximity they're supposed to be with one another. Remus sits, back tucked against the arm of the couch, facing Sirius who's sat close, legs crossed with a guilty frown on his face. It's then, as he hands the boy his mug, that Remus realises Sirius is most likely here to apologise.
He feels guilt of his own bubble, too.
"It - erm," Sirius hesitates, deciding on taking a slow sip of his drink before placing it atop a coaster on the small, oak, coffee table. "I'm really sorry, Remus," he says, and it's so small that Remus wants to shake his head and demand he take it back. Sirius is loud, he's outgoing and incredibly larger than life - it doesn't suit him, looking torn, fragile. He hates it, hates all of it. But he isn't done, and his apology seems to have opened a floodgate of sorts.
"I don't even know what was going through my head," he says, inhaling deeply. "I just, I needed to go for a walk, and I saw you with Regulus and you just - you looked so happy, and I immediately thought the worst. And it was wrong, it was so wrong of me to just not confront you about it and decide on my own insecurities. You didn't deserve that. A-and I don't. I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry for ignoring you for so long, and - and I'm sorry for making you feel like you had done something wrong. I just don't - I don't get like this. I don't like like people and I like you - so much, it's... i-it's scary and I jumped to conclusions because apparently I'm adamant on making myself miserable, but I made you miserable too and I feel awful. And James was a dick, too. But that's my fault. And Re-Regulus says you're feeling sick, and it's stress and I - I caused that, and I'm sorry I don't - I'm -"
"Sirius," Remus says, voice a little hoarse. He watches, as Sirius pulls at the loose thread of his borrowed pants, his eyes frantic with worry as his eyes remain glued to his knees. It makes something in Remus' heart clench, and he wants nothing more but to reach out and pull the boy into a strong embrace, never to let go. He drops his mug onto the table. "Sirius."
Sirius stops talking then, putting an end to his nervous ramble, but he doesn't look up, his fingers continue to pull at the material. Remus caves, reaching out to grab onto his hands, covering them with both of his in attempts to warm them up, thumbs running across Sirius' knuckles. But there's something in his words that don't quite sit right with Remus, and he's not about to point out the fact Sirius is lying. He can't. So he'll talk instead.
"It's fine -"
"But it's not!" Sirius cuts him off immediately, his hands twitch slightly, as if debating to pull away or not. Though he chooses to keep them where they are, as Remus' grip tightens minutely. "It's not, and you - you don't have to say it is! I ignored you, and I shouldn't have and then James messaged -"
"Sirius," Remus whispers, and it's bordering on a whine as he tries to get the other to actually listen to him. "Look at me," he says, and it's stronger than his last words, so Sirius does - though it's hesitant, and he doesn't quite meet the others eye. "Breathe - yeah, that's it. Look, listen to me. I have a headache, I always have headaches, I'm not sick because of you -"
"But I'm the one who's been stressing you out!"
-"Aaand," he shakes his head. "It's okay - no, listen to me - It's okay. I get that, I understand. But please believe me when I say I didn't intend on seeing Regulus behind your back, it just happened, I ran into them in town." He watches, patiently, as Sirius begins to nod, genuinely listening to what Remus has to say. "You're allowed to be insecure - and, I know, I know it's not ideal - but I have no control over that, nobody but you does. I can tell you things, I can argue your points, but at the end of the day, people overthink the littlest things. I won't lie to you and tell you it didn't hurt, because it did - but, I don't want you beating yourself up about it, I just want you to be able to talk to me," he rubs his thumb across Sirius' knuckles again, pulling them closer slightly. "Can you talk to me?"
"I'm just," he tries, and faults immediately. "I don't know, Remus. I'm just insecure."
"Okay," Remus nods in response, tilting his head at the other. "Can you tell me what exactly you're insecure about?"
Sirius bites his lip, and in any other scenario Remus probably would have stared at the action, but somethings bugging him - and he wants to be there for Sirius, so instead he leans back into the arm of the couch slightly, completely forgetting about their tea's as the other speaks.
"You know...like, how shit my family situation is," he dares, and smiles sadly at the nod he receives. "I-I think because parents are - they're supposed to show unconditional love, aren't they? And, well, I think that s-sometimes because mine didn't that it gets to me a little bit. But, well I don't realise it, do I? It's James normally who brings it up. Like...if my parents didn't love me, If they didn't want me then - you know, who's going to? Like, I don't - it just gets to me, and I'm stubborn and I latch onto things, and once I think one thing it follows me everywhere," he breathes in, using his other hand that isn't clasped between Remus' to wipe at his face, though tears haven't fallen.
"I get obsessive with them. And, Remus look I really do like you. I don't know how to explain it, but like - me liking you was...it was my thing, I did that on my own, do you get what I mean?" He looks up at him again, hesitant. Remus nods, because he thinks he understands what Sirius is trying to articulate. "I didn't need James for that, he didn't do that for me, I did it on my own. A-and then I saw you with Regulus, and I don't even think that I originally thought you were on a date or whatever..."
When the silence returns, and Sirius doesn't make a move to go on, Remus nudges his hands, grabbing his attention again. This is it. That funny feeling Sirius' apology gave him, it wasn't real. This, this is. "So what was it?"
"I told myself it was a date," he admits, quietly. "Because it felt like the natural conclusion to come to, but I didn't. I just had the idea in my head that if you were to get involved with Reg then you wouldn't be my thing - and I don't. Don't take that as in, as in I want you all to myself or something because that's not what I mean. I-I think it's just I didn't have help with coming to the conclusion of my feelings for you, I did it on my own, and I didn't want anyone getting involved and trying to tell me what I feel about - about...you. So I thought that if Regulus was - If they saw it, they'd comment on it, act as If I'm stupid, y'know. And it made me insecure that that was what I immediately thought when I saw you two, so I sort of... manifested a different assumption. And I made a mess of it. I'm sorry."
Remus takes a deep breath, nodding his understanding. Because he does understand, that Is, maybe not on a personal level but he gets what Sirius is trying to say. He thinks.
“Sirius,” he tries, pulling at the boy's hands so he looks up. And he does, so Remus smiles a small thing, but it’s a smile nonetheless. “I’m not going to pretend I understand your exact thought process - but it makes sense, and I have my own way of acknowledging that. My -” and he stops abruptly, because he doesn’t want to make this about him when Sirius is here trying to form his own words to his own feelings.
But Sirius nods, wanting him to continue, so hesitantly he does. “My dad taught me how to play basketball, in our back garden in Wales,” he bites down on his lip, mentally forming his next sentences as Sirius listens intently. “And sometimes I think that that’s the only reason I like to play. My dad isn’t very… present. He’s an alcoholic and we’ve been through a shit ton together, we don’t speak anymore. Sometimes I hate liking basketball, because I hate him - or, well, I don’t hate him but..”
“It’s easier to,” Sirius supplies, and Remus nods because it’s the truth. It’s so much easier hating someone who’s torn you inside out and then forced you to be rightside in than loving them regardless. He can’t love his dad, but oh how he does, hating comes easier.
“Yeah…yeah, it’s the easy option. I can’t hate him, he’s my dad but he’s hurt me. And associating basketball with him is all I know how to do. And I cling to it because of that, but it’s not mine to cling to…it’s his. And I hate that . Not him.”
“Why don’t you,” he starts quietly, tugging tightly at the grip Remus holds around his hands. “Do you enjoy playing?”
Remus sighs, because that’s the question he asks himself every single day, he doesn’t have an answer for Sirius, because he doesn’t have an answer for himself. “I like how basketball is an outlet for me. Sometimes I take it too far, but other times - most times, it’s just right. I can use my emotion towards my dad on the court and I can play well. Enjoying it is a different question entirely. Why should I need an outlet for the way my own dad makes me feel?”
It’s a rhetorical question, and Sirius doesn’t answer because he knows Remus isn’t asking him to. He looks sad, entirely, and Remus can feel it in his hands, in the way his eyes are darting around Remus’ face, refusing to stay in one spot.
“Basketball has done a lot for me, I wouldn’t be in this university without it. But it’s also fucked me over plenty of times. That’s just it though, isn’t it? You can’t have something incredibly fulfilling and expect it to be good all the time. I like playing basketball, it’s fun and It’s what I’m used to…but I don’t know if I enjoy it for the right reasons. It’s not mine to enjoy, and I don’t know how to reclaim it. But it makes me feel closer to my mother in a way being with my father should”.
“Your mother isn’t… in the picture?” Sirius asks, and Remus curses himself internally because of course he doesn’t know, Remus has never told him.
He shakes his head solemnly. “She died when I was younger, it’s … that’s why mine and my dads relationship isn’t the best. It hurt him just as much as it hurt me, but I had basketball to fall back onto, I had an outlet for that pain - when I was old enough to understand how to, that is. He…he didn’t.”
“Is that why…” he pauses then, chewing down on his bottom lip again because this is dangerous territory, and he’s unsure of how to go about it. It’s worrying and it’s understanding all in one. Not every good thing is free of the bad. “At the hospital, when you - you know, is that why? Your mum?”
Sighing, Remus tilts his head to the side. “Partially, yes.” And then he’s running his thumbs across the skin of Sirius’ knuckles again because it's grounding him as well as the other. “My mother died before I could understand what death meant, being in the hospital was hard for all of us. And then my dad… he came home drunk one night, and he had taken stuff - a lot of stuff. I don’t know if he had tried to kill himself, or if it was purely an accident, but if he’s taking stuff in the first place he’s got to know deep down that that is a possible outcome, right?”
“He overdosed?” Sirius asks, timidly. And suddenly they’re both back at Regulus’ bedside. He inhales sharply, realization dawning on his features. “Fuck, Remus - Regulus. I’m so - I’m sor-”
“No,” Remus cuts him off, pulling at his hands. “Don’t, that wasn’t your fault and it wasn’t Regulus’ - I don’t blame either of you, anyone. I was just dealt a shit hand. And I don’t regret anything, Sirius. I need you to understand that I will be there in a heartbeat, regardless of whether it affects me like that or not. I will always, always try .”
“You shouldn’t have to, Remus.”
“Neither should you.”
It seems as though that had settled something for the both of them. The mutual understanding that trying is enough, there’s no end to trying unless you make one. Life isn’t what it seems, most of the time, and both Remus and Sirius have lived through that in different ways. It’s impossible for Remus to understand exactly what Sirius is going through, how he feels and why he does things that he does, but he can listen, he can try.
It's how he misses his dad, how he loves him entirely - how he just wants his father back, but he can’t have him. Loving someone brings pain, and it brings loss and grief but it also brings happiness, it brings understanding, knowing . You can’t have one without the other, and that’s just the price you have to pay - but what is better, is it to have never loved and never been broken or to constantly love and have that fear of being torn apart? A heart, after all, cannot be hurt without being held. It cannot heal without being shattered.
And healing is a tricky thing, because sometimes it’s just as, if not more, painful as hurting in the first place. It takes time, effort, and patience. He promises then, to Sirius, to his father, that he’ll always try, because it’s the best he can do. Maybe he has Lily to thank for that.
“Oh,” Sirius says, moments later after being encased in a long silence. He leans down, ignoring the now cold tea and reaches for the plastic bag he had brought with him. With a shy smile he reaches inside, pulling out its contents. It’s a bar of chocolate, and… a lucozade. Remus laughs.
“James always said when you were sick these were the remedy,” Sirius chuckles too, passing them over before taking out a drink for himself. “Everytime I had a sore throat, or a cold or something he’d run to the shop and get me these.”
“A British delicacy,” Remus nods, holding the items in his hands that are no longer clinging onto Sirius’.
“And neither of us are British,” Sirius laughs again.
Remus’ head snaps up then, because technically yes he isn’t British, but Sirius? How did he not know? And he smiles then, at Remus’ reaction because it’s clear that Remus is a bit put out. He opens his own bottle, takes a sip before saying in a small whisper, “I’m from France.”
And Remus immediately begins to pester him, asking him to say anything, anything in French because how did he not know this? How has Sirius possibly hid this for so long? It’s not even audible in his accent, though he supposes if it’s their families birth place then that’s pretty explainable.
The night accompanies them throughout their conversations. From different languages to favourite films - or Remus’ favourite books, to then actually watching them and making hot chocolates, until eventually they find themselves curled up on the couch together: Remus’ arms planted firmly around Sirius’ waist and sleep claiming them as their own.
The last thing Remus remembers thinking is oh how badly he wants to keep this boy. Mine , he chants, over and over, please oh please let him be mine.
Because then, at least, he’ll have something of his own. And that’s the thing they have in common, isn’t it?
Notes:
Pls ur not British if you have never had a galaxy and a lucozade to soothe a sore throat LMFAO
quick one for you guys: it's exam season (ughhhh) so I'm going to put a pause on my uploads until mid june as I leave college in the beginning and then I'm off to Edinburgh for a week. The next chapter is a longgggg one, and I've already started writing it so
I'm so hot and cold with this fic atm, I didn't want it to be angsty - and on the level of angst on this platform it's far from but I'm struggling so much not making it sad lmfao. Not to worry, I'm not adding more shit other than things I have planned already. I hope you guys are enjoying it more than I am at least - thanks for the kudos!
Bouquetofpeonies on Chapter 1 Fri 05 Jul 2024 07:39PM UTC
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Bouquetofpeonies on Chapter 2 Fri 05 Jul 2024 08:49PM UTC
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Bouquetofpeonies on Chapter 5 Fri 05 Jul 2024 11:56PM UTC
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Bouquetofpeonies on Chapter 6 Sat 06 Jul 2024 08:12AM UTC
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Account Deleted on Chapter 8 Fri 26 Apr 2024 10:56AM UTC
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orphan_account on Chapter 8 Sat 04 May 2024 09:29PM UTC
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