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Luo Binghe was scared, terrified of his shizun. His Shizun was never the nicest. He would whipped Binghe for the smallest mistake Binghe made. He would cursed Binghe for the minimum development of Binghe's cultivation. His Shizun was the coldest, most cunning man Binghe ever encountered. Binghe respected, but absolutely terrified of his Shizun
Then one day, Binghe was not beaten to pulp. One day, Binghe did not hear strings of burning words. Another day, Binghe got a medicine from Shizun for his bruises. That very same day, Binghe was allowed to smile and met by Shizun's never-present smile. (Binghe thought how wonderful it looked on Shizun's face).
One day, Binghe was saved by Shizun, although he misunderstood Shizun at first. One day, Shizun allowed Binghe to ride carriage. Binghe could not comprehend every single behavior of Shizun lately, although Shizun got nicer those days, Binghe was afraid that Shizun reverted back and it was all but a hopeless teen's rose-tinted observation of his cruel Shizun. So Binghe remained cautious.
But that day happened. That day, Binghe was chosen by Shizun to fought One-armed Elder Demon. That day, Binghe spectacularly proved how Shizun made the right call. That day, Shizun protected Binghe. That day, Shizun's cultivation was endangered due to Luo Binghe's careless act. That day, Luo Binghe's inner world has forever shifted. That day, future Luo Binghe acknowledged he could never ever hate his Shizun from that day onward.
That day, Luo Binghe fell like a drowned man for a wondrous existence called Shen Qingqiu.
That day, Luo Binghe learned how frightening it is to love another.
To be the one beside Shizun for 3 years was the absolute most joyous moment of Luo Binghe's life. Again, Shizun rescued him, that time in his dream. Again, Shizun gave medicine to his illnesses and hurts. Again, Shizun patiently taught him every moves that Binghe absorbs like a sponge absorbs water (Although Binghe would never admit his feints and fake movements to fell on his Shizun's arms). Again and again, Shizun was his savior in what he thought a bleak life, and Binghe felt immensely blessed.
Binghe dared to dream of himself growing to be one worthy enough to find happiness with Shizun. Luo Binghe learned, experienced with lots and lots of recipes to make sure his Shizun's pallete was satisfied with Binghe's home cooking. Binghe made sure to learn diligently, so he could be a useful teaching assistant for the future Qing Jing. Binghe cleaned, sew, made up bed, took care of Shizun's many plants, dusted the books, all so that he could create and have at the very least one justification to stick to Shizun's side. Maybe at the unfortunate even where Binghe's cultivation could not be hopes to advance much, Binghe could stayed as a homemaker. Binghe would very happily be that, if for Shizun. Binghe dared to envision a future where he affectionately embraced Shizun, his Shizun radiating warmth and smelling of bamboo and incense.
There was just one obstacle to this dream of his, or to be precise, one man. Liu Qingge.
Luo Binghe was aware that Liu Qingge beat him in every single life aspects. Liu Qingge was of noble blood, one of the strongest from Cang Qiong, or even possibly the whole Jianghu, he's the Bai Zhan Peak Lord, he's filthy rich. While Binghe was just..Binghe. A no-name, homeless, orphaned kid with nothing to give, but a heart full of love, adoration, and utmost loyalty to his beloved Shizun. Yet recently, that was also challenged by Liu Qingge.
His Shizun might thought all those gifts from Liu Qingge was just a reconciliation or friendship gifts, but Luo Binghe knew a courting gift when he saw one, and saw the expression of the giver as well. Binghe really, truly wanted to ripped away all those gifts from Shizun's hand and tossed them off the mountain. But Shizun would be sad and mad of Binghe, so Binghe refrained from it. Although if Shizun showed any slightest hint of dislike, Binghe would immediately dispose of them.
Binghe could see the man was also smitten toward Shizun, and honestly Binghe could not blame the man so much, Shizun was unintentionally captivating. Binghe would move the heavens to even be seen by his stunning Shizun. Though, Binghe made sure he consistently express his concern and low-key jabs of Liu-shishu to Shizun. Binghe will never went down without fighting, and Liu-shishu would never touched Shizun that easily.
Even with an existing threat called Bai Zhan Peak Lord, Luo Binghe remained grateful, as he could bask in Shizun's attention and taking care of each one of Shizun needs. The Immortal Conference was nearing, and this would be his chance to prove to Shizun how Binghe was an adult already, and Binghe has plotted how the gradual shift of perception between teen Luo Binghe and adult, full-fledged cultivator kick-started there. This would cemented his standing, his opportunity to be Shizun's intended even more. Luo Binghe could not wait for the day of Immortal Conference to arrive.
Once upon a time, Luo Binghe received a lecture about red string and the existence of fated ones in a literature class. The Hall Master was very passionate explaining how sacred is a soulbond especially between cultivators, and Binghe could guess that the Hall Master herself has a soulbond of her own.
The Hall Master explained that the only way to know one's fated soul was when the string reveal itself, and no one knows the determination of when a string would be revealed. Thus everyone just conceded that it would reveal itself at 'the right time'. Binghe has always been a romantic at heart, and he sincerely hoped that he would receive a string of his own that will be connected with the love of his life
(Binghe sincerely hoped that he would be connected to Shizun)
As far as Binghe knew, this generation's Peak Lords of Cang Qiong did not have any strings attached to their wrists, or atleast no one has revealed it in case they have the string. This means that there are still plenty of chance that maybe, maybe, in the smallest of chance, Shizun and Luo Binghe has a string connected between them.
But of course Binghe would not dare to hope much, as only very small portions of population received a soulbond string. Even if Shizun would never have a string connected to Luo Binghe's soul, then that was fine. Absolutely fine. As long as Binghe could remain loving his Shizun, then nothing would be so bad.
But what if Shizun has a string attached to someone else? Or what if Shizun fell in love with another? Those questions were the manifestation of Luo Binghe's deeper worries, as Luo Binghe understood there were many people who would fought to ask for Shizun's hand and dressed Shizun in red. Therefore even though Luo Binghe focused on refining himself to be worthy of Shizun, the worry rearing its ugly heas would sometimes made him down the whole day. On those days, Shizun would notice Binghe's dampened mood, and would subtly cheered Luo Binghe through praises and head pats that Luo Binghe loved so much. His Shizun was so, so good, Luo Binghe sincerely believed Shizun deserved the best.
Luo Binghe dreaded everything about the Immortal Conference, for all his miseries started there. Everything just instantly went wrong.
Shizun knew Binghe is a demon. Shizun stabbed Binghe in the chest. Shizun pushed Binghe to the depth of abyss. Luo Binghe thought It didn't matter what Luo Binghe was as long as he was a righteous cultivator who follows Shizun's path, but apparently it mattered who Luo Binghe was.
Shizun lied. Shizun lied to Binghe. Why Shizun lied to Binghe?
If Shizun hated demons, why gave Luo Binghe such false hope to begin with?
In the bottom of abyss, Luo Binghe lied awake with aching bones all over. Perhaps every single one of them, like how his soul was broken. Like how his heart has been broken by his dear Shizun. Luo Binghe has so many questions but no answer, or atleast no certain answer.
As Luo Binghe stared into the dark red sky of abyss, he was drowning in to sorrow and betrayal of a loved one. Those feelings eventually gained a form, and the evolved to a resolution to escape as fast as he could to receive answers. Binghe needed to know why Shizun decided that Luo Binghe was not worth it to even defend himself, to even reasoning his existence.
As Binghe fought, as Binghe survived, the feeling sometimes manifest into anger. Anger toward Shizun, anger toward Shizun's betrayal, anger toward the ice demon that revealed Luo Binghe, anger toward the world that made Luo Binghe a heavenly demon. Anger pushed Luo Binghe more and more, anger sped up his way into search of an escape, and anger drove him toward Xin Mo.
Luo Binghe had hoped that the universe to gave Binghe a little mercy, the smallest of relieve, so that atleast Luo Binghe could receive a proper answer without a Shizun that was scared of Luo Binghe. Luo Binghe was wrong, for the universe seemed to hated Luo Binghe so much. Even though Luo Binghe had tried so hard, had received so much power, had relentlessly hoped for the better, nothing went answered. The only reason why he seized Huan Hua Palace was so that Binghe could stood equally with Shizun, be worthy of Shizun, never to hurt or cage Shizun. The only reason why Binghe chased Shizun was to receive answers, never to hurt Shizun further. Everything went from bad to worse, and the end of the day gave Luo Binghe all the worst scares of his life.
One, that Shizun self-exploded to death, just to save Luo Binghe. Shizun was dead. Luo Binghe caused it. Shizun was dead. Shizun was dead. Shizun was dead. Luo Binghe caused this. Shizun was dead.
Shizun was dead.
Luo Binghe caused it.
Luo Binghe caused it.
Two, that Shizun had his string revealed, and it was not attached to Binghe. Luo Binghe could see the bright red line, and at the other side, Luo Binghe could see Liu Qingge. Luo Binghe stared at the strings that revealed for seconds, before Shizun's heart stopped and the string faded into nothingness. The shock of string revelation and Shizun's death momentarily stunned Luo Binghe still, that he was too late to retrieve Shizun's falling body.
Of course, Liu Qingge grabbed Shizun's lifeless body. The Liu Qingge that has just found out his soulmate, and lost said soulmate just few seconds later. Liu Qingge, who's soulmate's death was caused by Luo Binghe.
Rage, sorrow, devastation, and desperation all accumulated in Luo Binghe, and when he actually actually came into, Shizun's lifeless body was in his arms, they were back to Huan Hua's innermost chamber.
Luo Binghe will revive Shizun. No matter what he should do, no matter what ways, Luo Binghe would made sure that his Shizun will come back to life. But for quite sometime, Luo Binghe pondered the revelation; that Shizun has a soulmate, and that soulmate was not Luo Binghe. Luo Binghe did not want to determine how he would act to this information, he will focuses all his effort into reviving Shizun.
(It's not fair. It's never fair. Why nothing's ever fair for Luo Binghe?)
Luo Binghe received an answer: It wasn't Binghe's fault. Shizun said it himself. It was Shizun's own error, and Shizun should not have done that.
Shizun apologized.
Shizun still called Luo Binghe his disciple. Luo Binghe could still felt the protectiveness and affection of his Shizun to him. Affection of teachers to their student, an almost parents to their child. It was not an affection Binghe hoped he would gain, but he treasured nonetheless. Luo Binghe would plunged into abyss time to time again just to receive any form of Shizun's affection.
At the same time, Luo Binghe has to let go of Shizun. Shizun was crying so hard to Liu Qingge's declaration, and Binghe had no qualm to separate two destined souls.
Did Luo Binghe said he would be grateful for any form of Shizun's affection?
Ah, perhaps he is, but why would his heart shattered into pieces, his soul felt so strayed right now?
Luo Binghe cursed the universe, with the entirety of his being, with every single speck which form his worthless self. Nothing, not a single damn thing, would ever made the universe reverse its decision and changed Shizun's soulmate to Luo Binghe. Zero percentage of Luo Binghe having actual chance to be his Shizun's dearest one. Somehow, mockingly, universe gave Liu Qingge that one and only position of Shizun's soulbond. That Liu Qingge, that muscle of a brain, act-without-thinking, supremely hard-headed Liu Qingge. That Liu Qingge, who's of noble blood, who leads the Bai Zhan Peak, who has been devastatingly loyal and unstoppable in retrieving his soulmate's corpse that Binghe hide Liu Qingge.
Luo Binghe abhors everything, Luo Binghe was angered much at the stupid universe that bind people to only one soulmate in their lifetime. For Luo Binghe could never be Shen Qingqiu's only one.
Luo Binghe was enraged and had all the intention to just destroy the world that did not give him even a smallest of chance to belong with his Shizun. But Shizun lived in the said world, and as long as there was a place Shen Qingqiu belonged to, Luo Binghe would worshipped its ground with his whole devotion. At the end, Luo Binghe could not eternally despise the world that granted him a place beside his Shizun, even temporarily. Luo Binghe could not, never ever could, hate a life that blessed him Shizun's affection, even in a lesser form than what he wished for. Atleast, atleast, Shizun was alive, and Shizun still cherished him. Shizun did not hate him. Shizun gave him all the forgiveness in this world, calmed his enraged soul. Shizun gave him another reason to still see another day, even to just watch and protect Shizun's growing happiness from a faraway place. As long as Shizun took another breath in this damned mortal world, Luo Binghe would live another day.
(and perhaps spending all his live dying and rotting away would worth a world where his Shizun is peacefully alive)