Obsession (jeff the killer x reader) completed

by Psssstpastel

Summary:

"I love you.."

Your hips rocked on Jeff's in rhythm. You waited for him to say it back but it never happened. Jeff dug his nails into your soft flesh and continued to go harder. You cried out in pain as you grabbed the sheets, digging your nails into them, balling them up in your fists tightly, pulling them. Jeff took this as a sign to go harder.

You felt tears prick your eyes. You're not sure if it was pain or sensory overload, a couple of tears ran down your cheeks and you just accepted it.

"I love you!" You cried out loudly. Feeling it shoot through the heaviness of the situation. "J-Jeff.." You moaned as he pushed your face into the mattress, and continued on. Tears covered your face and you were in a considerable amount of pain but you wanted to please Jeff, so you let him continue.

You always wanted to please Jeff. Ever since you first met him.

"Who's a good girl?" He yanked your hair back and continued at a steady pace.
"you're still with me right..?"

(The story is completed but sometimes I come in and make edits so its comprehensive English)

Chapter 1: Chapter one

(hey guys... this is a trigger warning.. this is a bit intense and there is sexual situations along with cussing because Jeff cusses.. if you like it let me know and ill write more... thanks for reading - pastel)

(originally posted on wattpad but they had a TOS change so i wanted to post it here)

"I love you.."

Your hips rocked on Jeff's in rhythm. You waited for him to say it back but it never happened. Jeff dug his nails into your soft flesh and continued to go harder. You cried out in pain as you grabbed the sheets, digging your nails into them, balling them up in your fists tightly, pulling them. Jeff took this as a sign to even go harder.

You felt tears prick your eyes. You're not sure if it was pain or sensory overload, a couple of tears ran down your cheeks and you just accepted it.

"I love you!" You cried out loudly. Feeling it shoot through the heaviness of the situation. "J-Jeff.." You moaned as he pushed your face into the mattress, and continued on. Tears covered your face and you were in a considerable amount of pain but you wanted to please Jeff, so you let him continue.

You always wanted to please Jeff. Ever since you first met him.

"Who's a good girl?" He yanked your hair back and continued at a steady pace.
"You're still with me right...?"

You gave out a little whine as you laid there on the line of bliss and insanity. You panted like a dog as Jeff laid panting beside you. You quickly clung to him, wrapping your arms around his strong sweaty frame.

"I love you.." You said again placing kisses on his cut cheeks and neck

"Huh..?" He glanced over at you. "yeah...Yeah..."

You sat back up on his lap. It seems the only way you could get him to say it back was...
"Love you too..." He ran his hands up your legs again.

Was sex...

The next morning you woke up sore. Jeff was gone, long gone, and all around you was cold. In fact, it looks like Jeff just left right after.

You felt tears come... They slowly ran down your cheeks and you sniffled slightly.

"Jeff...?" You called to an empty house. You rolled over covering yourself with blankets.

You should have known this would happen... That one day the spark would be gone.

You cried harder as you put the sheets over your head. Suddenly you regretted being with Jeff.. This was all just one mistake... Tears stained the sheets as you sobbed harder curling up in a ball.

When you were sixteen this all seemed so simple. You never thought of a downside... You never thought once... He would look at you a different way. You sniffled loudly and your nose started to drip. You never thought for a moment.. He wouldn't love you anymore.

"I'm not capable of love..." He whispered slightly. Your head was on his chest, his heartbeat was uneven and rushed. You liked it... It was calming... It might have not been normal... But it was reoccurring... And that gave you comfort.
"So don't get attached kid.."

He was right..

"But I love you..." You whined slightly looking up at the scarred man. He laughed slightly and he rubbed your back.

 

You woke up a few hours later. You felt slightly sick from crying, and you still felt sad. You stretched and got up again, walking to the bathroom. The light was dim and the bathroom reeked of booze. You turned on the water and it started to steam. You adjusted it and stepped in, feeling the bliss of the warm water. You just stood there, having the water wash over you wrapping you in a warm blanket. Around 20 minutes you heard the front door open and close.

"y/n?!" Jeff slurred slightly.

Great hes drunk again.

You felt more tears prick your eyes. You hated Jeff when he was drunk. You poured soap on your arms and little bubbles formed.

"You didn't wait for me..?" Jeff's voice scared you. Jeff sounded beyond wasted and he reeked like pot. His eyes were glazed and distant. This man in front of you wasn't Jeff, he was a different person when he was wasted.

The curtain was shoved back and cold air was let in. Jeff pushed you against the tile. He was fully clothed... Which didn't seem to matter to him, he played with his belt and his pants dropped. He poured soap on your shoulders, it dripped down your chest and onto your stomach, his leathery hands made circles on your chest, forming more bubbles. You groaned slightly and he kissed your neck. You didn't make a sound and tears started to form. You shut your eyes and Jeff pulled away.

"Huh..? Whats wrong..?" He asked rubbing his soapy hand on your cheek. You opened your eyes and soon you were staring into Jeff's. You shook your head and kissed him, giving him what he wanted. You tried to swallow the lump in your throat, Jeff wouldn't care if you were sad anyway, in fact, you're pretty sure crying turned him on more. He kissed back and you felt more tears spill out. He grabbed your wrists and pinned him above your head.

"Ah!" You moaned digging your nails into Jeff's pale skin forming red marks and opening scrapes he had. He propped you up on the cool shower title, water poured over you guys.

15 minutes later Jeff finished and set you down.

"Thanks..." Jeff kissed your cheek and rose off leaving the shower. You panted slightly as you slowly sank to the floor. You heard his wet footprints leave the bathroom. More tears came and you didn't bother to wipe them, the shower hid your sadness.

That night was the night you were going to leave...

 

"Jeff..." You whispered. You sat at his feet as he watched the news.

"What...?" He asked annoyed. You rested your head on his knee.

"I love you.." You whispered again and you looked up at him.

"Love you too I guess.." He mumbled staring at the TV.

"Four found slaughtered tonight at a local campground, police fear it's the work of a serial killer who has been connected to two of the three homicides in the last month..."

Jeff was still covered in fresh blood. You knew what he did, but you never really knew the details about it. The truth is you didn't care, so in a way, you were as fucked up as he was.

That's how he caught you.

That's how he got you to stay for so long.
You crawled up on the couch and laid on Jeff again. He smelled like blood, sweat booze, and fear, the sent that you loved. His face still had blood on it, so did his hands, his clothes were covered in it and there was some in his hair. You knew he killed people and you didn't stay out of fear. You stayed cause you liked it.

Were you an accessory to murder? Maybe.

You laid your head on his lap and he ran his fingers through your hair.

"You know..."

You looked up at him and he looked down at you.

"For a human, you're not that shitty."

You squeezed him slightly.

You loved Jeff... in fact... You were well.. infatuated.

This sounds... Well, cliché... But he was the first one to ever truly make your heartbeat. You don't know why, he was an escaped mental patient, but you liked that. It excited you... But then again you had some problems yourself. You just felt an unbearable connection. You needed to be with Jeff... And... Jeff needed you. Well... That's what you told yourself.

 

You turned off the water and grabbed a towel. You dried off and put on one of his hoodies. They made you feel better... You would have to take one of these with you...

Your wet hair made stains in the jacket as you neatly folded and shoved your clothes into a backpack. You decided to leave while he was still passed out. A colorful drop of black liquid landed on the sheets.

Jeff convinced you to dye your hair like his.

You felt more tears come as you placed more clothes into the bag, you didn't own much since you moved a lot. You decided on leaving your more sexual apparel here... It was for Jeff anyway. You walked over to your dresser and rummaged around in the sock drawer. Your hand came across some old Polaroids. One of you in skimpy clothing, in some grimy motel room in which you spent your guys' anniversary in. You sighed as the memory of that day hurt.

It was two years ago... Before everything went downhill.

"I'm incapable of love..."

You looked up at him slightly.

"I love you though." you whined.

"No you don't.." He groaned slightly. "Stop fucking lying."

"But I'm not... I really do..." you whispered.

"No one would love me..."

"But..." You looked up at him.

Jeff was wasted... Beyond wasted... You guys weren't a stranger to the faster side of living. Jeff drank, daily, and did other things to dull the pain from his scars. But you did it for fun and for relief from the soul-crushing boredom. All you did was sit indoors all day, doing nothing... Maybe sometimes you would watch a movie... Or rarely, Jeff would let you go online and mess around with games and YouTube... And sometimes you went out but that was incredibly rare, you were still classified as a "missing person" so you couldn't really get out much... And if you did... It was for a short amount of anxiety-filled time.

"But I love you... " you whispered slightly. "It's more than love.."

He just laughed and you felt sort of embarrassed.

"I love you too." He groaned in your ear slightly. You blushed and he wrapped his arms around you. "Don't forget it you little dumbass..."

You smiled slightly, you loved his affectionate names.

 

You looked at the photos, one was you and Jeff in your guy's bed before you left the last safe house. One was off you in Jeff's blood-covered hoodie. It was covered in fresh blood... And seeing the photo brought back the sweet metallic scent. That night was the first time Jeff ever brought his work up. You knew what he was and who he was but this was the first time he elaborated on it.

"Personally... Humans disgust me." Jeff had just gotten home. You clung to him on the couch. He placed your hand on his lap and you got to work. He liked to be touched afterward.

Fear turned him on.

He groaned slightly as he looked down on you. He pushed your head down making you gag slightly.

"The only thing they're good for is short-lived satisfaction." He kept his hand firmly pressed on your head before he finally let go so you could breathe. "that's a good girl..." He pushed your head down again and his head went back in pleasure. "it's something about them... When they're just so scared... It's so.." He growled slightly and pushed you down harder. "it turns me on..."

After going on and on... He shot down your throat and you swallowed choking slightly. He let you go and you wiped your mouth. He took off the stained hoodie and threw it at you.

"Take it off, and put on the hood."

You complied with his orders and did just that.

"They're so easy.." He ran his hands up your naked form. "You can... Just rip them apart... They're so fragile..."

He dug his nails into you.

"Their blood is so warm... "

"Jeff..." You moaned slightly.

"Their minds are like putty too..." He ripped at your flesh causing you to bleed. He leaned in and whispered close. "They'll do anything to keep their loved ones happy... Isn't that right...?"

You nodded. You would do anything for Jeff, anything he wanted, nothing was off limits.

 

You sighed and decided to shove the photos in your backpack, not bothering to look at the rest. You finished up and set the heavy pack on your back.

Where were you off too..?
No idea.
Home...? Possibly...

You sighed heavily and lit a cigarette puffing your worries away. You walked down the hallway and into the kitchen. You set your hand on the cool knob of the back door.

"Where are you going...?" you heard a sleepy.. rough voice.

You jumped slightly.

Shit

You glanced over and Jeff was awake... Awake and sober..

"y/n?!" He growled pissed.

"The store..." You mumbled slightly not knowing what to say.
"With your backpack..?" he asked annoyed.
"I'm getting a lot of items.." you lied easily.
"Give me the fucking bag!" He growled taking the bag from you and shoving you against the door. "all your shits in here... Are thinking of leaving me?!"

You stayed silent.

"Oh so you think you can just fucking walk out on me?!"

You looked down not bothering to make eye contact.

" Huh?!" he screamed causing tears to form.
"Answer me you little bitch!" He shoved you against the door with more force.

"Jeff.. I.. " you stumbled on words. "I can't.."

"You cant what?!" He grabbed your shoulders and you started crying hard. You felt like the smallest person ever, and you just wanted Jeff to hold you again. "answer me you fucking cunt!"

He slammed you again and you cried louder. You tried to cover your face, you didn't want him to see you like this. you looked down and continued to sob.

"You're not leaving me..." He forcibly grabbed your face and made you look at him. You tried to look down, but it didn't matter you couldn't see him, tears blocked your vision. "do you hear me?"

You nodded.

"Do you fucking understand me?!" he screamed again making you jump.

You nodded slightly, not knowing what to feel. Suddenly you didn't want to leave, you just wanted Jeff to hold you and everything to be the same.

"Answer me you little..." You felt hands wrap around your throat.

"u-u-understood..."

The hands lessened and they left, leaving you slightly shaken.

"go clean yourself up and get to my room.."

You nodded and Jeff followed on your heels. You cried harder as you made it to his room and walked in. You wiped your swollen eyes and sat on his bed. You counted to wipe your tears but they just kept forming.

"Stop fucking crying.." He yelled standing in front of you making you feel smaller. You nodded and let out breathless sobs like you were choking on your own sadness. He started pulling at your clothes but you wouldn't budge. You tried to pull them down, trying to cover your exposed state.

"Jeff stop..." You wined slightly. "Please stop..."

You didn't want Jeff right now, at least not in that way.

"Shut up!" He yelled causing you to jump.

"I don't want-!"

"I said shut up!" You felt a sharp pain followed by burning, and your cheek, nose, and lip felt sore. Jeff backhanded you again. Jeff never really hit you unless he was drunk or you hit him first, this was just out of the blue. He continued pulling at your clothes again, cutting off your bra and unbuttoning your shorts, pulling them down.

"Please..." You begged him. "Please stop..."

He cut off your panties and threw you down on the bed, using his legs to pin you down.

"Please Jeff stop it..." You felt hands wrap around your throat again.

"I think you owe me..." He growled in your ear.

...

"stop crying.." Jeff sounded more annoyed than angry.

You continued to whimper softly. Your chest and stomach hurt from crying. You felt an unbelievable fatigue. You had managed to pull your shirt back down, but you were too shaky to do anything else. You felt disgusted... And used... And... Shocked. That's what it was, a state of shock. You.. Didn't think Jeff would ever do that to you... You didn't even think Jeff could do that to you.

But he did. You shook and continued to sob. You curled up in a ball, with your knees to your chest and your back curved making you press into them.

"I don't know why you're so upset..."

You cried harder and louder, pissing Jeff off more.

"You love me right..?" He asked sort of mockingly, he knew the answer.

You nodded slightly and continued to sob. He pulled you into his arms, resting your head on his chest how you liked it. He rubbed your back in a loving, relaxing manner.

"And you want to make me happy...?"

You nodded again. Even know Jeff hurt you, you still loved him, you still wanted to make him happy, and you still wanted him.

"Well you can't make me happy if you cry like that..."

You nodded and sniffled, trying your hardest to stop.

"Shh... Don't cry..." He brushed his thumb on your cheek. You nodded and sniffled.

"I love you..." You whined feeling your heart ache.

"I love you too..."

Stay tuned for part two :3

(I really hope you like it!!)

Chapter 2: Chapter two

Obsession part two
(not edited well)

"So what do you want to do with your life...?" your school counselor asked.

That question woke you up. You never knew what you wanted to do... You had ideas... But nothing was set in stone really...

"I-I um..." You fumbled with words. You didn't have the grades really and now you were nervous.. "I-I don't know... I..."

"Well you'll have to know soon sweetie you don't have much time left... Maybe a year right..?" she pushed on and that made you more and more nervous.

"y-yeah.."

Your future gave you crippling anxiety, you always feared you weren't good enough... You feared living at home forever or having to become a stripper just to get yourself by.

That's where Jeff "saved" you

"School...? Schools bullshit." Jeff mumbled with lust dripping in his horse voice.

He had his hands pressed into the back of your head. Even in the early stages of your relationship, you were willing to do anything for him, at any time.

"You don't need school..."

He continued to hold you down until your lungs burned but you didn't let him know... You just wanted to please him... He let you up for air and your mouth and part of your face was covered in spit...

"Come on sweetie... Let me see your face..."

You looked up at him. You loved Jeff when he was pleased and happy. It made your heart pound and flutter like the dumb teenager you were.

"You know what you do need...?" His tone changed, not to one of sexual desire, one with a hint of love and affection. Something that was the opposite of Jeff. "Me." He smiled making his scars stretch.

 

And you believe that. You believed that you needed Jeff in order for you to function. But now, you were slowly seeing that it wasn't true... You weren't a kid anymore and your rose color glasses were off. Now, you were slowly coming to like the idea of leaving Jeff. Especially after what he did to you three months ago. The thought of you staying made you sick to your stomach and it brought tears to your eyes.

Thinking of Jeff now just brought you intense anxiety, it made you shake, and being with him, was now a living hell. You were constantly tense, his sweet words didn't calm you anymore and you seemed to flinch at his every move.

"What's wrong with you now...?" You were in Jeff's lap again, as he laid on his back and you sat upright.

How do you tell a man like that, in a relationship like this, that you don't want to be with him anymore...?

"Nothing..." You lied. You slowly laid down on his chest. Finding little comfort in the silence that fell around.

"You know... I'm getting real tired of you lying to me..." His tone changed. "you know damn well it pisses me off-"

"I miss my family..." You whispered slightly. It wasn't a complete lie but it wasn't the full truth.

"really..?" He let out a sigh full of hot air.

You nodded slightly and you felt the normal guilt to set in. You had put them through so much..

"You miss them...?"

You sighed softly and you nodded again. You kinda did... I mean... They had their moments...

"Why..? I thought you hated them." He sounded annoyed now.

"Well... I feel... Bad.." You had squeezed Jeff tighter for comfort but when you did he pushed you off.

"Is that why you tried to leave me...?" He cut his eyes to you and you felt the tone change...

"No.."

"Really now...?" He visibly got more angry. "how do I know that's the truth you huh? After all, you're a lying little whore so why should I believe you..?"

That hurt...

"I'm not lying.." You were still calm. After living with Jeff for years you learned how to keep things calm. "I promised you... I wouldn't lie..."

"Then why did you want to...?" He growled slightly now digging his nails into your shoulders. "After all I do for you..."

"W-well..." You looked around. "it's just... Lately... You've been..."

His breathing became uneven, and you became more and more scared.

"A bit... Physical..."

He laughed.

He laughed.

"Physical..?" His scars stretched "That's it...? I know you like it physical."

"T-that's n-not...-''

" You're a fucking moron y/n!" He yelled at you laughing, pulling you closer. "You forgot that you're my little girl..." he roughly placed a kiss on your temple.

"I can read you like a book..."

You felt tears start to form.

"Tell me... Now..."

"I want love..."

That changed Jeff.

"After everything..." He squeezed you tightly cutting off air. "After everything! Everything I fucking do! You... You..." His voice was rough... Jeff. Was. Pissed.

He had never ever been this angry with you... You were suddenly terrified. Jeff only reserved this type of anger for his victims.

"After everything I fucking do... You have the fucking audacity to say that shit to me...? You have the audacity to think i don't love you...?"

He wrapped you in a bone-crushing hug... Which wasn't really a hug, he was trying to squeeze the life out of you.

"Well your right y/n..."

You felt tears form, you couldn't breathe and now you were getting panicked.

"I don't fucking love you..."

He quickly let go and you fell back. Your heart throbbed in pain from the words that just left his mouth. Though you already expected it, it just hurt hearing it.

"Why would anyone ever love a dick-munching slut like you huh...? Look at you!"

You looked up at him.

He snatched your wrist and pulled you with him into the bathroom right off the bedroom.

He pressed you harshly on the counter almost pushing you into the sink.

"Look in the fucking mirror!" He grabbed a fist full of your hair and yanked it pulling your head up. You started into your eyes and you watched yourself cry.

"See... Huh...? See..? Who the fuck would love this...?" he screamed

And you sobbed so hard it shook you

"No will ever love you... Do you know why...? You're an ungrateful, stupid, used-up little whore..."

You're vision blurred and his words left cuts in you.

"I knew it was a fucking mistake taking a dirty fucking human in... I knew there slimy and ungrateful... And I did it anyways... well fucking shame on me..." He let go and backed up slightly, still in his rage. He pushed you away from him and turned to walk out.

You continued to sob, just standing there covering your face.
Your heart throbbed and you felt sick to your stomach.

You felt a flurry of emotion, but you were hurt and when you got hurt, you tended to do something irrational.

"You either shut the fuck up or get the fuck out!" Jeff yelled.

You nodded and tried your hardest to stop. In your hurt state, you still wanted Jeff. You wanted him to comfort you, which is rare because, for the past couple of months, you couldn't stand to be near him.

You wiped your cheeks, stopping all the audible crying. Tears still fell but your breathing evened out a bit, and you had gone mute .

You sniffled slightly and walked to the living room that Jeff was in with your head down. You couldn't see really, but you knew the place forward backward, and blind.
Well you did spend over 23 hours a day here...

You sniffled and looked up, moving your hair out of your face. Jeff sighed an annoyed sigh and looked at you, giving you the worst death stare of your relationship. Your lip trembled, and you dropped, sitting right next to Jeff.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing...?" He was still seething with rage.

"I'm sorry!" You whined, suddenly wrapping your arms around his chest under his arms, so he couldn't push you off so easily. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry! It's all my fault!" You were now sobbing again. "I'm sorry... Please forgive me... Please please please..."

You squeezed Jeff and continued to cry. You realized you weren't really ready to let him go... And you felt stupid for wanting to leave.

You were still infatuated...

"Please don't leave me..." You sobbed harder feeling, scared and ashamed, ashamed for being so ungrateful. "Please don't stop loving me.."

Jeff was now quiet and it felt like he calmed down a bit. He rested his left arm on your back.

"Just shut up... Stop fucking crying.."

You nodded and tried to stop, it didn't work well but you had gone mute again so it should have appeased him.

You sniffled and continued to hold onto Jeff tightly..

"I'm not leaving you... Now fucking stop... " he pushed you off and you sniffled again. "unlike your bitch ass I keep my fucking word..."

...

It was raining that day. Water started dripping into the house, the electricity went out and everything was so quiet.

Jeff had been gone for a couple of days.
You laid on your bed, you had a bottle of vodka on your left side and a pack of cigarettes on your right.

In your relationship with Jeff, you became very self-destructive, you both brought out the worst in each other.

You drank a bit. The taste lingered as you didn't bother to wash the taste out. What was the point anymore? You inhaled slightly as you dropped the cigarette in the ashtray. You were always a nervous wreck, so you took up smoking to help calm your anxiety.

The door suddenly opened and then slammed shut. You heard Jeff mumble something and his heavy boots made their way down the hallway. You smiled. Jeff was finally home... Your heart ached cause you missed him so much.

At the time, you hated being away from him for more than an hour. You only wanted to be with him. He had been gone for the entire week, and you missed him for then ever.
You thought he left you.

He made his way towards the bedroom.
You took another drink and lit up another smoke. Jeff was still mumbling to himself.

He stood in the doorway and you looked up.
Jeff was beaten up and bloody. He had a black eye and his lip was cut. He had even more cuts on his face and his hoodie was ripped with blood covering it. He was covered in dirt and blood.

"What happened-"

"Shut up..."

He glared at you and went into the bathroom, turning on the sink. You drank the rest of the bottle and put out the cigarette

Jeff came back, the blood was washed off his face, and now he was just in a black t-shirt and his dirty black jeans. You crawled over to him, in your submissive behavior. The one that drove him crazy And every time he wanted you, you felt special, it felt like he actually did love you.

You looked up at him.

He buttoned his jeans and they fell off slowly.

"I missed you..." You mumbled and slowly slipped off your white tank top, to where it fell at your stomach. Jeff rested his hands on your shoulders

"yeah..."

He started at your jeans and you just let him. He also liked being in control... You went quiet... He was upset and you didn't want to push him further...

"Ouch..." you whined as his nails dug into your flesh.

"That didn't hurt... Stop being a pussy." He growled pushing your back into the mattress.

You dug your nails into his leathery flesh as he pushed your back into the mattress. He pushed down your shoulders and dug his nails into you roughly tearing into your skin. You screamed slightly and tears spilled out faster. Jeff was a sadist...

Well yeah serial killer.

And you were willing to be as submissive as you need to be to fill his desires but it wasn't entirely one-sided...

Jeff did treat you considerably... better than other people and you always assumed he must have liked you. Little did you know, Jeff was almost as obsessed with you as you were with him. In his world, you were his, a belonging he had complete control over.

Like a pet, sort of.

You were right, he did need you. Jeff would never admit this but he was very lonely, and he did enjoy your company, very much so... but sex was a big thing too.

Jeff was addicted to it

You could tell from the constant need for it
but you didn't know the depths of his addiction or what he was willing to do to keep it

Cause weren't you the perfect thing to get addicted to...?

You didn't know about the pictures on his phone... Or the pictures he uploaded of you online... And you didn't know about the emergency plan
You didn't know how deep the obsession really was..

You panted and the nail marks on your shoulders and chest bled, leaving red marks on the semi-clean white sheets.

You laid on Jeff's side as he smoked. The room reeked like sex and pot when jeff passed you the cigarette, you puffed and gave it back, then turned your attention back to Jeff.

"I missed you..." You smiled and hugged him.

"I know, you already told me..." He blew out smoke.

"Where...were you..? I-if you don't mind..." It felt like dancing on eggshells.

"Out."

"Oh... Well..." You looked down slightly.

"Well what...?"

"It's just... You were... Just... Gone for a couple of days... So... I was just... Wondering... Where... You were at..." You tried so desperately to dance around the mines.

You really didn't want to get him upset... He might beat you or worse... Leave again.

"Why? Why the fuck do you want to know?" he was now annoyed.

"C-cause..."

"Because what?"

"I just... I just thought... You left..."

"Left?"

"Me..."

"That's stupid..." he lit up another cigarette.

You smiled and squeezed him.

"If I left you... You would know..." He pushed you slightly and put out his smoke.

"O-oh.." You looked down... What did that mean..? "P-promise you won't..?"

He let out an annoyed sigh and shrugged his shoulders.

"What ever..."

You sniffled and let tears come to your eyes again. A new panic formed and suddenly your breathing picked up.

"god don't fucking start."

You nodded and tried to blink away tears. You feel them press on you as you hiccuped slightly. He groaned annoyed and tilted his head back.

"If I promise you will you fucking stop..." he mumbled.

You nodded and wipes under your eyes quickly.

"Ok but you gotta fucking stop.."

"Don't cross your fingers..." you sniffled knowing that he was a liar.

He cut his eyes to you and then smiled.

"You know me... That's not good..." He has held up his hands so you could see them. "I promise I won't leave..."

You nodded and hugged him again and he just laid semi-irritated

"You better be fucking grateful."

"I-I am.."

"And you better promise me the same thing..."

And you thought that was stupid. Why... Would you wanna leave him..? You loved him...

"Of course I promise!" You said happily.

...

"I-I'm sorry Jeff... I-I take it back... Please please forgive me..."

Jeff smiled on the inside.

"I'll do anything... I promise.." You continued sobbing now covering your face.

"What do your promises mean..?"

You placed your hand over your heart.

"I promise.." You hiccupped sobbing. "I promise on my life.."

His mood changed again and he let you fall on him.

"If I catch you trying to walk on me again... I'll dispose of you."

You nodded and hugged him tightly.
You felt guilty for wanting/taking him back, but you need him... That's what you told yourself. You need him...

"And things will change."

That almost sent you into panic again.

Chapter 3: chapter three

( not edited well once again I'm sorry 😭 )

You sighed, laying on the fresh bed.. enjoying the scent from the clean sheets before it escaped and was replaced by the stench of body order and alcohol. You ran your fingers through your hair and turned your head to where your cheek met the clean sheets. You raised your sore arms, and winced at the pain, bringing them back down and letting out more air.

You looked down at your wrist and regret and sadness ran down you as quickly as water poured over you in a cold shower. Your wrists were bruised and cut, being sore to the touch. You placed your fingertips on one of the bruises, feeling the sharp numbness of pain shoot up your arm.

Its worth it...
He's worth it...

It was worth it because you loved him... You loved him, and that's all you needed, other feelings didn't matter anymore. You didn't need any other feelings except for love.

But you couldn't help it... You really couldn't. You still felt alone and sad. No matter what you did... no matter the distraction. You tried to keep busy.. But.. You didn't do much in the first place...

Clean...? Yeah.
Cook..? Well... Sometimes... If you had food..

What else was there to do..?

Tv..? Maybe.. But you couldn't concentrate... You would zone out somewhere 1000 miles away in an anxious place...

No matter what you did... The sadness and the loneliness seeped through... And when you were upset, you tended to do the irrational.

Which led you to do something you regretted...

...

"H-hello..?" Your voice was shaky and stale. You were beyond scared and you felt your stomach do the tingly thing when you knew that you were going to be in huge trouble. "Hello..?"

You smoothed your voice out but nothing could stop the trembling and horrid thought of what to say next.. Man.. You should have practiced this before...

"Hello? Who is this..?"

"It's um.. Its-"

"Um? I don't know an um."

" It's um.. It's me.." Your voice shook and trembled.

" Me..?" There was a loud sigh on the phone. "who's me..?"

" Um.. Its.. Um.." You took in a deep breath... "It's me.. Mom..."

The phone went silent and you could feel the shock on the other end.

" This... This.. Isn't a funny joke Jonna.." Mom said sternly into the phone. She sounded angry and hurt and you could hear that she was about to start crying. "this is too damn far... You know damn well-"

" It's.. It's not Jonna.. Mom.." You took in another breath, now about to cry yourself. "it's me... Y/n..."

There was a gasp and a whine on the other line.

" Y-...y/n..?"

" Y-yeah... Yeah.. It's me..."

You heard her sniffle and you could now tell she was crying. You sighed and felt another jab in your stomach.

" I love you y/n... I love you so much... Please come home.." She sobbed into the phone. No words ever sounded sweeter... not even when Jeff was saying them "I'm sorry... I'm so so so sorry y/n..." She sniffled. " We'll do anything for you to just come home... I miss my baby..."

"Mom... I can't..."

" But y/n.."

" I have a couple of minutes left... And I don't have too much money left.."

" Then come home sweetie... Please.. Please just come home..."

" Mom I'm stuck.. And.. I can't come home.. But.. I need your help.."

" What.. What do you mean..? Stuck..?"

" It's.. It's hard to explain.."

" help..? What do you need help with..? What's wrong? Do you need money..? Are you hungry? do you eat? Do you have a place to sleep-?"

" I'm pregnant.." You held your breath.. And felt the heaviness rest on your shoulders "and I.. Don't know what to do..."

" pregnant..?" She sounded weak..

" Y-yeah.. " you sighed.

" Do.. Do you know how many months..?"

" no.. "

" Did you just find out..?"

" yeah.."

We both went quiet and you felt tears come to your eyes.

" I'm scared..." You sniffled feeling a tear fall.

" Don't be scared sweetie... It'll be alright.. I promise.. "

The beeps started, singling that the phone would end soon. You gasped digging through your pocket for change.

" shit.. Shit.. Mom.. Hold i.. I don't have enough money.."

" It's ok.. Just listen..." You could feel her sad smile through the phone " I love you y/n... I love you so much.. And I'm glad you're safe... It'll be alright.."

The deeps got more rapid and you started to get more panicked.

" It'll be alright.. I promise.. And if it's not.. Just come home.. We miss you.. We love you....."

The beeps got faster and faster.

" Bye sweetie, mommy loves you."

The lady's voice came on and the phone call was cut off.

You sniffled and whined, softly placing the phone back, placing your hands on the metal that surrounded the ancient payphone. Your arms shook as you held on tight for support. You shut your eyes tightly and whined, gritting your teeth trying to swallow the emotional pain.

It didn't work

....

"Startling news from f/n l/n runaway turn abduction case when a phone call was made to y/ns mother late Friday afternoon... The call made to her mother lasted for five minutes. The call indicated that y/n was alive and well. But then later that same day... Sexual pictures of an underaged y/n and a now fully gown y/n were uploaded by an anonymous person on the website called four-chan, on a public computer late Friday night... People on the case say the photos were taken from when she first went missing to now they're assuming. "

" The photos, startling in nature show that y/n is presumed alive but not well... Bruises and marks were found on her body... But the causes of the marks were unclear.."

You could hear it all the way from your room...

Pictures..?

You thought for a minute, and you felt a jab of fear in your heart... You shot up.. Quickly leaping off the bed, walking quietly down the hall as quickly as you could while still remaining silent.

Jeff was on the couch... Half asleep and not paying attention to the news. You caught the last bit of the story, the minute where they leave your picture on the screen so people know what you look like.

You stared at the image and your heart ached.

It was a picture of 16-year-old you before you left, then that changed to a picture of you now. It was just a close-up of your face, and it was kinda blurry but.. That was probably the only semi-decent photo there was...

In the photo, you were looking down, your recently dyed hair was covering some of your face, and your face was smeared with makeup. It wasn't really too accurate to what you looked like now. You stopped dying your hair a couple of months ago, so it wasn't really Black anymore. You stopped wearing makeup too, so you looked younger than you did in the photo. You were also sober now, completely, so you didn't have that glazed look or that stupid smile.

You blinked and the screen changed back to the news castors.

" if you know any information regarding to y/n we encourage you to go to the police.."

 

You sighed and felt tears form, feeling your skin heat up in embarrassment and shame...

"Jeff...?"

He jumped awake at the sound of his name and looked around.

" What?!" His voice boomed shaking the room. You fell silent and felt a teardrop.
"What the fuck do you want?!-"

" .. Do you love me..?"

" Is that why you woke me up?!" You groaned and relaxed. " fucking hell... I'm going back to sleep.."

You wiped your eyes and walked over sitting next to him. He groaned and looked at you.

" Why the fuck are you crying..?"

" .. Do you love me..?"

He groaned again and rubbed his face.

" What do you think...?"

" .. Yes.."

" Then lets go with that.."

You wrapped your arms around him and he didn't push you off like usual.

" I love you.." You mumbled and he rubbed your back... Resting his hands on your hips.

" do you..?"

" of course..."

He smiled and sat up, placing you on his lap.

" How much do you love me..?"

" a lot..."

He smiled again and kissed your neck, wrapping his arms around your waist tightly.

" yeah..?" He whispered.

"Yeah.." You agreed breathless..

You loved him more than anything... And anyone..

He pulled your hair back and sunk his teeth into your neck, making you squeak, digging your nails into him in pain. He pulled away and dropped you gently on the "table" in front of the couch. Pulling at your shorts, which you willingly pushed down your thighs, slipping off your tank top, leaving you in just panties. He kissed your neck, trailing down your chest and stomach. You gasped arching your back, and closing your eyes.

And just like that you didn't even know who the pictures were taken of.

...

" How being sober?" He smirked at you, drinking more of his concoction of death.

"I don't mind it.." You smiled lying. Drinking wasn't the best, but being sober was definitely worse.

" You fucking hate it don't you..?" He laughed and drank more. You looked down not wanting to admit he was right. He bumped you and shoved his drink in your face. " come on stop being boring.."

" I can't .." You sighed.

" Why..? Who's stopping you..?" He smirked again and bumped you. " come on.."

" I can't .." You held your head down and played with your hair nervously. " It's fine I'm fine.."

He sighed annoyed and drank the rest of
His drink.

" follow me into the kitchen."

You nodded and when he got up you did. Following him like a lost puppy.

You sat on the counter as he mixed various alcohols together, creating something that no one should drink.

"Drink it..."

" No..."

" Drink the fucking drink come on.."

" No one should drink that drink.."

" Just take a sip.."

" No..."

" Take the fucking sip or ill make you drink all of it..."

" Fine..." You felt a new rush of danger anxiety as you shakily brought the liquid up to your lips.

You could smell it. It smelled gross... like sharpies and a toxic mixture of bleach and lemon juice.

" It smells..." you mumbled and Jeff got more frustrated.

" Just drink the fucking drink!" He screamed shaking you.

You put your head down, feeling fear grip your heart. But shouldn't you be used to that feeling by now...? Shouldn't it just be second nature..? If you always feel afraid... isn't fear your new comfort...?

" I don't want to..."

" For fucks sake!" He snatched the drink and your wrist, almost pulling you off the counter. He grabbed your chin, and shoved his fingers in your mouth, forcing it open long enough for him to quickly put the glass up to your lips, pouring the burning liquid in. You coughed and some went down your throat, making you gag and spit up, making the liquid in your mouth fly out and go everywhere, covering you and splashing on Jeff. He took his fingers out and you closed your mouth, feeling the toxic substance in your nose, feeling it burn your throat as you were forced to drink the rest of it left in your mouth.

" God.. fucking gross... see what you made me do?!" He yelled shaking his hand and putting down the glass. " it shouldn't have been that fucking hard you dumb shit... god what are you?? A fucking child..? God I fucking hate children so you better shape the fuck up... "

" Of course you do..." you sighed keeping your thoughts to yourself where they belonged.

" Why did you quit drinking..?"

You shrugged.

" I don't want to anymore.."

" alright now what's the real reason"

You bit your lip and your heart went a mile a minute..

Do you tell him..?
Do you have to tell him...?

You took in a deep breath..

" I.. don't.. want to be hung over anymore... last time I thought I was going to die..."

" Is that right..?"

" Yeah.."

" Being hungover..?"

" Yeah."

He stared at you and you looked down. You were so small in his eyes...
You were nothing but an ant that crawls up the wall...

You felt suddenly warmth and movement and you gasped suddenly being drawn in.

Jeff hugged you.

He wrapped his strong arms around your small frame.. and brought you into his tight, warm, safe embrace.

" You know I love you right..?"

That sent chills and butterflies through your body...

It was so so so nice to hear those words.. to feel that long-forgotten feeling.

" You promise you'll always love me..?"

" Don't be stupid..."

You smiled and squeezed him tighter...

" Jeff..?"

" What..?"

" I'm pregnant..."

Chapter 4: Chapter four

( so i wrote a good 95% of this on the train... and that's also where i just edited it.. so like all my writing its not perfect but i really hope you like this chapter.. the next one should be fun to write :) thanks again! -pastel )

You thought it was more fear than anger honestly...

He slammed you into the kitchen wall. A far cry from the false acceptance he just gave you.

"Pregnant...?" He growled in your ear. "Who the fuck..?"

"What..?" You spoke shakily tears gripping your throat.

"Whose the son of a Bitch who knocked you up?!" He barked at you with aggression.

That scared you more than the sudden wall slam.

"I-it's yours.." you choked out scared and sick.

"Oh is that fucking right..?" He gripped you tighter.

"Y-yeah.." you stuttered in fear.

"So what's in there is mine..?" He smiled in anger and another sick emotion that you couldn't pick out.

"Yeah.." you whined watching him but also avoiding eye contact. In one swift move, he pinned you again, wrapping his hands around your throat, squeezing slightly.

" And what if it isn't?" He applied more pressure.

"You're the only person I've ever slept with.." you choked out. "You're the only person I talk to..."

Really, Jeff was your entire life. It's been like that for years.. he was your family, friends, and lover, he was your everything despite feeling like nothing to him

"Pregnant..." he laughed letting you go. You waited for his response which was quite possibly the second scariest thing you've ever witnessed

"I should have known..." he mumbled walking out.

Your back slid down the kitchen wall, and you sat on the floor, bringing your knees to your chest.

Your heart fluttered nervously in your chest, and you instantly regretted your actions.

You felt more tears pour down your face. Faster then you could wipe them. Yeah, you cried a lot, but this was especially bad. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. This was the most pained you've ever felt. Before, you could just cry from fear, loneliness, pain, or any other mixed emotions that called for tears but this time you cried in regret and disappointment and.. just... rage and sadness mixed all in one. You cried for everything you've ever done wrong. You cried for every time Jeff hit you or touched you without asking or caring first. You cried for every time he threatened you or your family. You cried for your family, for all the sleepless and hopeless nights and phases you put them through with your regrettable actions. You cried for your ruined future, for your 20-year-old self who could never finish high school now and have a normal life. But lastly, you cried for your baby, fully acknowledging existence as its own sentient being. You thought that maybe, they got the worst of it.

They would never know what normal was, they would never have a chance of the slightest normality. Soon it wouldn't just be you, going through this... whatever this was alone. Soon, you would have unknowingly brought another person into this with you, ignorantly dragging them deep into the mud with you.

Soon it wouldn't be just you... it would be them. Getting smacked and getting yelled at. Feeling as if they weren't meant to be born, getting the worst of it from a father who is a monster by all definitions. Soon they would be getting threatened and used as weapons against you, hurting them to hurt you.

What if he took them from you? What if he ran off with them and left you? What if he killed them..?

You sobbed. You sobbed harder and harder, uncontrollably. It rocked you to your core and made your face numb with sadness. It pounded at your chest, and your pain and worry seeped out through your eyes.

Leaving you to rival in your own sadness alone.

....

"I wanna leave!" You declared loudly, and violently, something incredibly out of your nature. "I hate them! I hate them! I wanna leave! I wanna leave! I wanna leave! I wanna leave!" You Yelled.

You were on edge, shaky and excited. Having anger, excitement, and ecstasy run through your veins.

You tapped your fingers in a fidgety non-rhythmic way.

Jeff calmly cut up two more lines and got them ready on the wooden nightstand.

He rolled up a dollar and gave it to you. You shoved it up your nose and plugged the another nostril.

You snorted and the same feeling of ecstasy and rush went through your every being. This wasn't the best part, in five minutes you would be peaking and that would be the best of your high.

Jeff snorted after you and took another pill that he crushed up and swallowed.

He pushed you on your back and violently dug into you. You cried out in ecstasy and love, being so into it you didn't feel the pain.

You guys have been doing coke for three days now, and this was the new normal.

You would get high
Have sex
Come down
Have sex
Do more coke
Have sex

And the cycle repeated itself

This only strengthened your infatuation with Jeff. All the drugs, sex, and excitement he gave you were the best experiences of your entire life.

He gave you attention.. and lack of it.. he kept you on your toes, he kept you wrapped around his finger. Not to mention.. this was your first boyfriend... who hasn't been overly obsessed with the first person who they've shared their heart with?

So, this is when you made the fatal mistake of letting the drugs and lust take advantage of you. Though, you couldn't just blame yourself... after all.. you were a kid.. and you just made a dumb mistake in the fog of love.

Its a very addicting thing...

Not the drugs. The drugs you never had an issue with.. it was the love he gave you. It grew into an obsession and there was nowhere to go from there. Yeah, you could hit rock bottom but you never seemed to find it.

That night was like any night, you doing drugs and having sex with Jeff who had come back into your life after a three-week absence. The three-week absence left you lonely and needy. The emotional pain you felt inside manifested and left you taking it out on others.

Which caused the first rift with your parents.

The pain you felt, taking it out on them, taking it out on your work and your life as if it was a barrier between you and happiness. You weren't a bad kid... just.. not a very... achieving. You never really had good grades, if you tried, you could but you never thought it was worth the effort. Maybe it was the first signs of a deep depression, but you would never know..

The second rift was this day, the week you spent with Jeff, leaving school and home to do drugs and have sex with a psychopath.

You didn't return home for a week and a half, and your parents officially had to classify you as a runaway..

" It's ok baby..." Jeff smiled at you and laughed slightly. Hovering above you, with fists dug into the bed on each side of you. " You have me now.."

" I love you so much..." You smiled at him, the drugs now taking full effect. "I love you... I love you so so so so so much..."

He kissed your neck and the kisses felt electric...

The funny thing about drugs is... it makes you feel everything then nothing at all.

The kisses started feeling like stab marks and you stretched, your heart pounding like it would explode.

You sat up and panted... feeling like you were falling.

" babe..." you panted.. "babe?!"

"Yeah..?" Jeff asked confused and annoyed.

" Am I ok..? Are we ok..?"

"Were fine babe.."

"But what if we're not.."

" I promise we are.."

" I hate them!" You shouted. "I hate them so much!"

You panted and looked at Jeff..

"I should leave.."

He smiled and pushed you on your back, hovering over you.

"Yeah..?" He smiled and kissed your neck. "And be with me.?"

"Yeah..." you panted breathlessly..

"Yeah yeah.." he ran his hands down your sides

At least you're sober now..

....

What to do..?
what to do...?

You laid on your bed, on top of all the sheets and blankets, letting your hair knot under you, with your hands folded neatly on your stomach. It gurgled and you tapped your fingers on your knuckles.

What do i do...?

You asked yourself...

Your mind drifted to your family.
Could you go back? Well yeah... but could you really go back...?

Could you face your family..?

Could you face them with a baby..?

With the baby of the man you ran away with... with the man that single-handedly destroyed your family.

A baby that would look like him eventually... A baby that would eventually require help..

Could you ask them to help you?

The answer is no.
You couldn't
You couldn't face them
You couldn't bare the thought of it..
You couldn't even call them without breaking down.

So that was out of the question...

What to do....

You rubbed your stomach.. feeling the same depression rest on your shoulders.

Oh god... what to do...

...

"Oh god please don't kill me..." you whined without knowing it. You felt claws dig into you as Jeff shoved you into the corner between the door and the wall.

" Hey baby girl..." he slurred into your ear...
"Where you think you're going..?"

Oh god... how could you forget this..?

"Jeff... please..." you whined and struggled against his grip. "You're hurting me..."

" shhh..." he slid his hand down your sweats.

"Jeff stop!"

"Its ok..."

"Jeff!"

"It will feel good soon..."

"Stop!"

Just to think you stayed...
Just to think he was like this... that he thought it was ok.
....

What to do...?

You felt a lone tear fall down your cheek...

What to do...?

You thought of keeping the baby. Who doesn't? You never met it... and never even felt it.. but you knew you loved it. You knew whatever it was, you would love it. Whether it was just like Jeff or some other scary unforeseen thing, you knew for a damn fact that you loved it.

It hurt deep inside that you knew... that really.. in the end... you would have to get rid of it...

You sniffled and continued tapping your fingers...

That was it.. wasn't it...? Getting rid of it...
The solution that was there the whole time...?

What if you dropped it off, covered in a towel or blanket... at the nearest place and just knocked on the door?

Gave it to a firefighter..?
Police?
No police was out of the question
For sure.

Hospital...?

Would there be questions..?
Maybe...

You sighed with anxiety...
Oh god...

How could you let this happen...?

You sighed and rubbed your stomach...

"It's gonna be alright.." you mumbled to yourself. "It always is.."

You placed your hand in between your belly button and waist, rubbing up and down, imagining that's where the baby was, peacefully sleeping.

" I promise... you'll be ok.."

....

Your sleep was interrupted by the slamming of a door, you gasped and jumped up, panting slightly. It was dark and you guessed you slept all day.

You heard footsteps make their way up to the bedroom door and you mentally prepared yourself for whatever was to come from the other side of it. The doorknob jiggled and you rubbed your eyes. The door was slammed open though you assumed it wasn't meant to be.

You looked up and made eye contact with Jeff, who was standing in the doorway, drunk, carrying a bag of Wendy's.

"Here..." he slurred at you, tossing the bag on the bed and spilling some of the fries inside.

" Thank you..." you smiled at him. This was out of character but you didn't question it, just being hungry and accepting of the favor.

"Well if you're not gonna drink..." he slurred and you looked up, slowly taking the 99-cent burger out of the bag. "Or do crank or smoke... then... then... you gotta eat..."

You smiled and took a bite.

"Especially since there are two of you now..."

"Right.."

"God damn it..." he growled... "god damn it..."

"What...?" You asked with fake confusion covering up the fear.

"There's fucking two of you..."

You swallowed and nodded.

"There is..."

You both gave into the silence and you ate more.

He looked at you... and for the first time.. you saw something completely new in Jeff. Fear.

A feeling you were so accustomed to looking so foreign on someone else.

"Jeff..?" The silence shattered.

"Yeah..?"

"Are you scared?"

"No? Why the fuck would I be..?"

"Cause i am.."

"Yeah.. well you're a little bitch.." he spit out faltering a bit at the end.

"It's ok if you are.."

He signed and looked up at you.

" I need a drink."

"Alright."

"Tell me if you need more food or something..."

And with that... he walked out.

...

You walked down the hallway. The TV was blaring and Jeff was most likely passed out.

You picked up the remote and turned it down, plopping down on the couch beside him. He snored, not in the slightest bothered by your movement.

"Hey jeff..."

He snored and jumped awake.

"Ah fuck! Yes.. yeah.." he got up quickly rubbing his eyes. "What is it?"

" I'm hungry..."

"Again?"

"Yeah.."

"Fuck dude.." he mumbled and got up walking past you. "What do you want?!"

"What do we have..?

"Uhh... half of a box of Cheerios... a bag of powdered milk.. and some crackers.."

" I'll take the crackers."

The blue box of crackers was thrown over to you, landing with a slam a few feet away from you. You sighed and walked over and picked them up, while Jeff poured himself another drink.

You opened the box and watched him drink one after another, just pounding them down like you guys used to do when you partied.

In a manner of three minutes you had eaten maybe 5 crackers and he had managed to drink a good portion of the bottle.

He panted and held on to the counter after 4 more shots. You walked over and ate more of them...

"It's ok baby.." you rubbed his back. He panted and held his head down.

" I know it is..."

"We're gonna be ok.."

"Yeah..?"

" Remember..? You promised.." you smiled at him rubbing his back gently. He sat up slightly and grabbed your hand quickly, holding it tightly.

He drank more and now half the bottle was gone in 5 minutes.

"Everything's alright..." he mumbled holding your hand tightly and leaning on the counter. "As long as you're here.."

You could swear that time stopped..

Chapter 5: Chapter five

( wow a lot of things have changed in my life. Anyway, i hope you like this chapter, more definitely coming soon :D )

Another day... another safe house.

You sat on the couch, with a medium-sized backpack filled with crackers, Cheetos, and other sacks that you suddenly craved every 30 minutes. You munched quietly and watched some boarder line crappy daytime movie.

You rested your hand on your stomach rubbing it slightly.

It was noticeable now. You weren't huge but it looked like there was something in there.

That was kinda the reason for you being up during the day. Over the last few weeks... you started showing. You didn't like it.. it made you feel.. slow and fat, putting you in a weird mood. So you got on a different time schedule so you could avoid Jeff and just be by yourself.

Also, since you were awake at normal times.. anywhere from 8 am to 9 pm you were able to actually go outside. That scary foreign place that you once forgot existed.

Since you've changed your schedule, you've gotten a lot done.

You had managed to get a haircut... that was the first step.

You, with your oversized hoodie and short shorts, walked into that salon, on that hot Tuesday morning, at 8 am when you knew they first opened. You only went to the one that had the "walk-ins welcome" on the window.

You stood in the doorway, the bright morning sun slowly digging into you.

"Hey there darling." The blonde hairdresser smiled at you, sweeping up some hair. "What can I do for you?"

"Um... I.. need.. a haircut.. and... I think a new style... I had... this one awhile.." you nervously sighed out.

" Well I can do that for you... go head sit down over here." She smiled and motioned over.

You nodded and slowly walked over, shy. You were super-shy.. and this was the first person you've talked to in weeks. You sat down and she started gathering her equipment.

"You wanna take off your jacket..? It'll be easier."

You nodded and complied, lifting it off to show your grey tank top and sports bra.

" You wanna dye your hair too..? Or are you gonna fix it?" She asked starting to touch your hair.

"No.. do what's necessary to make it a lighter color.." you mumbled slightly. You needed a normal haircut with a normal undistinguishable hair color.

"Well... dark browns are more suitable for this.."

"That's fine..."

She started on it. Brushing it gently getting the knots out and such. You watched her, hoping she didn't ask any questions.

You had scars on your scalp. You had scars on your neck. You had burn marks in your hair and some uneven parts.

Her fingertip ran across one of the newest cut marks on your neck and whined a bit.

"Oh I'm sorry sweetheart.." she gasped slightly and covered it with a cool rag. "Oh.. you got a lot there.."

"Yeah.." you sighed out slightly embarrassed.

"Um. It's alright we got a medical bag in the back.. well clean you up a bit.."

" Thank you.." you smiled and she continued brushing.

"Cat person...?"

"Huh?"

"Is that why you have the cuts? That or a big dog owner..? Or a small dog with a bad attitude? Or maybe some sports?"

"Oh..? Oh no.. i.. 'm just." You sighed again. "Clumsy I guess.."

"Oh.. I get it.." a sudden look of realization washed over her and she cracked me a weak smile. " the burns are accidental too?"

"Yeah.."

"You know.. I used to live with someone that made me pretty accident prone too.."

" Yeah.. my um.. fiancée.. says I'm pretty clumsy... I break stuff.." you mumbled not looking at her.

"Yeah.. well.. let's fix some of this then.."

She started cutting, letting chunks of burnt and dead hair fall to the floor. You had a lot of hair that you usually kept up or in some position that made it look cute or sexy. Now it was down and gross and unhealthy.

When she's done it's shoulder length with flattering layers, easy to tie up, and easy to manage.

"Let's get you dyed."

She left to go mix dye in the back and left you in the chair. You looked out the window and stared a little paranoid. You played with your fingers and such, watching the world outside.

She came back five minutes later, with three different bowls and tin foil. She got started with different chemicals in different parts of your hair.

She wrapped your roots in tin foil and left you in the room again.

"I have coffee. Want some? It's early.."

You think for a minute. Coffee does sound really good.. but.. what if it's bad for the baby..?

" I um.. I don't know.."

"What? Whatcha mean you don't know.."

" I don't if I should.."

"Its just coffee.."

" I'm um.."

"Mormon..?"

"What? No.. I'm.. pregnant so.. I don't know.."

" Oh. You're fine for one cup. Trust me.. people have done worse." She came out holding two cups. "Wait.. how old are you..?"

" I'm.. um 20.."

"Oh! You're a baby..." she smiled handing you the cup. "Pregnant huh..? Are you hungry..? Do you eat? You're so skinny.."

"No I'm fine.. I have some food.." you smiled nervously and drank your coffee.

"I'll limit the chemicals" She laughed slightly and continued to go back on my hair. She added the dye and wrapped your backup. Drying your hair with a dyer before washing and drying it again.

It looked good... pretty and healthy and most importantly normal.

She finished you off and you smiled.

Finally you recognized your own self in the mirror... the person staring back at you.. was finally you again.

You pulled out some wadded cash... and started counting it.

You managed to save around 200 bucks..

Which after the haircut was 150 bucks...
Still, enough money to complete your mission.

You would need time to devise another plan... time.. and more money.

What was that plan? Well?

You weren't really sure... you just knew that change was part of it. You needed to change to move on to a new chapter... a new interesting one.

You see... for years... you've been on the same chapter in your life. The same theme dragged on... the scene changed from time to time but along with everything else you stayed stuck in your own depressing, substance abuse-soaked self-loathing.

Well, now you were going to change that.

You got sober and got a haircut. Next, you would get new clothes, well newer clothes. Then, you would plan further from there. You had a couple of ideas, each one not really great and equally painful but they were something, and somethings are always better than nothing.

....

"Jesus it feels like I haven't seen you in fucking weeks." Jeff mumbled harshly, spooking you in the process. He stood in the hallway, using the entrance for support since he was unbelievably hungover.

" I guess it's been a couple of days.." you mumbled slightly. "Why are you up so early?"

" I can ask you the same fucking thing can't I?" He spit out, walking to the kitchen where he no doubtingly made himself a morning or "late afternoon" (his morning) drink.

You stayed quiet and munched on your snacks quietly.

He stood in the doorway of the kitchen and looked at you, drinking a brown liquid from a glass.

"Well? Why the fuck are you up?"

You shrugged.

"Daytime television." You said quietly.

"Right..." he drank more, and walked over, sitting right next to you.

"Want some Cheetos?" You asked handing him the bag. He grabbed them and ate a couple, watching the shitty soap opera you were.

"Yeah really seeing the gold in this..."

"It gets better."

"I bet you think it does..." he drank some more. He looked over to you, and you kept your eyes on the TV, eating the Cheetos. Suddenly, he slapped his hand on your stomach and held it there. You jumped slightly and looked down in shock.

"How are you doing?"

You looked at him, sort of scared sort of confused.

"I'm doing alright..." you looked down at his hand. "Do you feel it?"

"Feel what?"

"The baby"

"It moves?"

"Um sometimes.. I think I can feel it move sometimes when I'm eating."

" Oh.. well.. that's interesting... and gross..." he drank some more. "Eat something then"

You nodded and munched on some Cheetos.

"Eh... nothing... little shit..." he mumbled and removed his hand. He drank some more and refilled his glass. " I wish you weren't sober anymore you know. It was more fun before."

"Yeah I guess..." you sighed slightly. "Just a couple more months..."

"Yeah.. a couple more months my ass."

"What do you mean..?" You asked feeling a little hurt.

"Babys just don't go away... you'll have to stay 'clean' to take care of its stupid ass."

"No..?" You said confused.

"Uh? Yes? What the fuck do you mean no? Are you fucking stupid?"

"Jeff... I'm not keeping it..."

"Oh... well what are you going to-"

" I don't know... what I'm going to do when... it's time for it to come.. but... I know for sure I'm surrendering it afterwards..."

"Oh are you now?"

"Yeah.... you don't want it... and I can't take care of it... it's the best I can think of... I can just drop it off somewhere and that's the end of it..." you sighed out, really needing a cigarette. "We can go back to normal."

He smiled, stretching his scars.

"That's my good girl..." he patted your stomach again and got up, going back to his room, now doubtingly for more pills and booze.

You sighed and continued eating.

...

" Ah... yeah... that's my good girl..." he moaned pushing your head down. You gagged slightly and tears came to your eyes. You couldn't breathe and you needed air. You tapped him and he held you down with more force. "... ah.. hold.. on.."

You dug your nails into his thigh, in hopes of him letting you go. You felt a warm sticky substance go down your throat. He sighed loudly and let you go. You gagged and shot up, gasping for air, throwing up in the process.

"Ah Jesus!" Jeff yelled and you coughed hard. A taste of vomit and cum and spit in your mouth. "Fucking gross..."

"I'm sorry..." you said embarrassed and ashamed.

"It's alright i guess... not the first time.."

You guys cleaned up, and he joined you in the shower. The water was hot.. so hot it burned but it felt so nice.

You placed soap on a small rag and gave it to him. He roughly placed it down on you and scrubbed it, making you bubbly and soapy. He was rough, and the floor was slippery, making it hard to keep your balance.

He took hold of you, and placed you under the water, cleaning you off. You smiled, and held your breath, feeling light and airy.

Man, you weren't ready for what was gonna happen next.

He picked you up, and slammed your back against the shower wall, placing your legs around his waist. You gasped and held on, tightening your grip on his waist.

" I've missed you so so so much y/n..." he mumbled in your ear, making you blush, putting you right under his spell. He kissed your neck, and you moaned pulling him closer. He applied more pressure on your back, and you moaned in response.

"Oh Jeff..." you moaned in ecstasy.

....

You woke up, slightly, feeling groggy from sleep and sore from sex. Your hair was a tangled, slightly damped mess, and would require washing to fix.

You woke up naked, covered in towels and blankets. Jeff was passed put next to you, sleeping like a rock.

You sighed slightly... and felt that good feeling again. A deep deep love for your boyfriend.

You laid back down, wrapping your arms around him. He smelled good for once, like old spice and sleep.

"Oh Jeff.." you mumbled so low he couldn't hear you. "What am I going to do..?"

Chapter 6: Chapter six

( its not edited that well)

If you knew what your life was going to become...?

If you knew, then where you would be now... would have changed it?

Would you still have run off with him?

....

The rain poured so hard. You've never seen it rain like that. It's almost as if the sky was crying for you. You knew that the earth didn't give a shit about you or your life but you liked how it synced enough for it to be a coincidence.

Tears ran down your cheeks when you pushed your face into the pillow and screamed. You just had probably the biggest fight you've ever had with your parents. They screamed, you cried, stuff broke and your mom said the thing that she regretted the most... even to this day.

"Get out."

So you were. You were finally ready to leave. Tears and snot streaming down your face, with a bag full of band tees and jeans.

You had just packed your third bag and now you were ready to get out.

You had a backpack, suitcase, and duffle bag. You had around 85 bucks, two gold rings, a pair of diamond earrings, and about maybe 1.25 cents worth of change in the bottom of your bag. That was all you had left to your name.

You sighed and placed the backpack on your back. You started walking, going out into the dark and cold.

You eventually made it to the pay phone, the one on the west side of the town, and you called him, letting him know that it finally happened, and you were ready to run away.

You cried on the phone, completely sobbing, just a mess really but Jeff comforted you and told you it was alright. You knew it wasn't and that maybe someday you were going to get caught... or worse... Nevertheless... you decided to leave. you and Jeff made plans. You decided to meet at some old run-down campground a couple of states away. It would take you at least 4 days to reach by public transport... and then another day and a half to walk the rest of the way to the campground. You sighed and the first thing you did was buy a train ticket.

Halfway through the trip, and about a state and a half in, you pawned your jewelry and phone and then collected all your money. You had almost 200 bucks, and you needed another 120 for the rest of the transport. Plus maybe 45 for food and water. By now, traveling was dangerous... it was two days in and you were declared as a missing child.

The other state and a half was the most uncomfortable ride in your life. You were paranoid and hungry... saving the rest of your food for your long long walk...

You had finally made it to your destination and now the walk only remained... then you would be with your sweet sweet Jeff...

You hopped off the train and covered yourself with a large-fitting hoodie. You made your way to another payphone and placed some change in..

"Hello?"

"Its me."

"Yeah, alright... where are you now..?"

"The next town over... I have about a day's walk from the campground."

"Any busses?"

"No."

" cabs? Ubers?"

" I rather not waste my money..."

"Alright... have a fun walk then. Stay safe."

"Wait jeff..?"

"Yeah?"

" i need money..."

"I'll send a transfer to you... it should be ready to be picked up at the whites motel. I gotta go."

With that he hung up. You sighed and your heart filled with excitement and joy.

At the CVS next to the train station you bought a cheap tent, three boxes of high protein energy bars, and some other necessities taking up about 75 bucks.

You sighed... you were out of money....

You took your things and packed them in your suitcase... and made the two-mile talk to the whites motel... where sure enough 300 bucks was waiting for you.

You spent 50 and rented a room for the night... and made another call to Jeff...

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

"Its me."

"Yeah?"

" I got the money... I'm gonna spend the night here... then I'll leave in the morning..."

"Right call me when you're there."

Click. The dial tone rang.

You felt lonely... you were hundreds of miles away from home... and you had no one you could talk to. You sighed and felt tears come to your eyes... you felt so guilty and gross and sad...

You clicked on the TV... and turned it up loudly... the characters on TV would keep you company...

You sighed again and went to the bathroom to take a hot... hot shower...

You stripped.. and hopped in.. feeling the burning liquid caress your body... it felt heavenly since this was the first shower you had taken in days. You scrubbed until your skin was steamy, fresh, and red hot. You washed all the grease and dirt out of your hair... and washed all the grime out of the pores on your face... popping a couple of zits.. leaving little scabs.

You didn't mind... and Jeff liked open or closed wounds.. no matter what the size (obviously bigger the better) or where they came from.

You rinsed off and got out... wrapping yourself in towels that you were probably going to steal later. You rummaged through your CVS bag, pulling out toothpaste and a toothbrush, and opening them. You rinsed the brush off and started brushing, so rough that your gums bled and your teeth started turning red. You spit out red and rinsed off everything, not minding the metallic taste in your mouth... it reminded you of Jeff...

You returned to your bed... and took off the towels, brushing out your wet hair, and tying it up.

There you felt the loneliness and the TV voices all blended into one thing. you decided the only way out of this... was through sleep and you crushed up three or four pills to put you in a nice slumber.

You licked up the powder and drank some water to make the whole thing go down smoothly...

Before you knew it.... it was check out time....

....

With your bags packed with as many hotel goodies as you could fit... you were off again... on your day or day and half walk to the campground... deep in the mountains.

You called Jeff right before they kicked you out of your room.

"Ah fuck..." Jeff grumbled hungover. "What the fuck do you want?!"

"I'm leaving for the campground now... I'll be there Wednesday..."

"Ah... right... alright cool.. meet me in space n... right next to the bathroom."

" Alright... I love you."

" Yeah yeah you too baby..." Another click and another dial tone..

You sighed and thought one more time... you could still go back... you could forget any of this ever happened.... but no... you come way too far now and there is no going back... you were ready to follow wherever he may lead you... without caring about yourself in the process. Because you loved Jeff... you loved him so much and you couldn't truly love another person besides him. You needed him... and that's what you told yourself... you needed him in order to survive...

You checked out... and started on your long long walk.... by sundown... you were 3/4ths of the way there... and you just pushed on.

Around 3 or 4 you got to the campground... it was cold and dewy outside. Blacker than a night with no moon... and you were scared... beyond scared.

Tired, damp, and sore you walked up to the window... where the park ranger was inside.. sitting playing on his phone..

You knocked on the window and he jumped slightly, dropping his phone and sitting up straight. He opened the window and leaned down it slightly.

"Uh.. can I help you ma'am..?"

"Um... can I get a camping space in section N for the next week please..?"

"Uh... sure... but the park officially doesn't open until sunrise..."

" Oh... when is that..?"

" In around three hours or so...? Is everything alright..?"

"Yeah... I'm just tired... and wanted to set up camp..."

"Well I guess I can let you in early... I'll drive you to the section so you get there safely... I don't suggest walking at this time... there's wildlife you know.."

" Oh... that's nice to know..."

He nodded and you paid. He gave you a long and awkward ride to the campground. It was twilight when he dropped you off and you started putting up the tent. After everything... the fight... the trip... the walk... after all the sleep you missed... you still found yourself wide awake.

In all honesty you never really ever felt tired. Well, you felt tired but not sleepy. You laid there... on the hard forest floor, a thin blanket keeping you from the cold.

This was the lowest point of the trip... it was the loneliness...

Silence surrounded you and your mind wandered and wandered. The deepest meditation and reflection you've ever had... and for that split moment you felt something you wouldn't feel again for years... regret.

...

You don't remember what day Jeff showed up... it just seemed like he did. He showed up like he never left and that he was always there.

You have just gotten out of the pool. That's where you spent most of your time while waiting for Jeff. The last time you had talked to him was when you were leaving town. You didn't remember what time he said he would meet you, even if he said one... so it was all up in the air whether he was actually coming or not. You decided if he wasn't there by the time you ran out of money and supplies you'd cave in and tell the forest ranger to call your parents.

It never came to that though and at the time you felt overwhelming relief but now you weren't sure if that was a good thing or not.

You had already showered and changed at the pool, walking with your wet clothes in your wet towel with your wet hair making stains in your shirt. You were going back to your campground where you would pick up a couple of packets of ramen noodles and head to the rec room where they had a small kitchen set up for the hungry campers. This was a nice campground and you were at least happy Jeff chose something that had basic human necessities.

You never made it to dinner that night though... nor did you want to. When you made it back to your tent the feeling of love and ecstasy filled your veins and clouded your hunger at the sight of him. There Jeff was, lying on top of your blanket, peacefully sleeping.

You gasped and cried out, snapping him awake before you jumped on him, pushing him to the walls of the tent.

"Jeff!" You cried out hugging him as tight as you could, holding onto him making sure he was real.

"Ah Jesus fuck!" He sighed, letting you fall on him. You could tell he was tired... so very very tired...

"You came for me!" You cried out in relief, wet hair dripping on him.

"Where else would I fucking go?"

Oh jeff...

You thought, in awe.

" You're my baby girl..."

You hugged him again, squeezing him with all your love.

" I love you so much... so so so much Jeff... I knew... I knew..." you cried out in happiness..

"Alright keep the fucking voice down..." he growled slightly... kissing your neck now squeezing you back. Jeff did miss you... he missed you a lot...

"Ah Jeff.." you moaned into his ear. "I missed you so much..."

He ran his hands up your shirt, pushing and pulling it off of you. He kissed your neck and bit without warning, leaving a mark and unhooking your bra. He pulled it off and pushed you onto your back onto the hard tent floor.

"Show me how much you missed me..."

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder... but it really just drove you deeper into obsession and there's nowhere up from there. Your heart is stuck in the sharp vines of a toxic love.

You dug your nails into Jeff, scratching down his back forming red marks, He bit into you, and you were back at it again.

He quickly slipped off your shorts... zipping and locking the tent back up.

" You..." he hovered over you. " is the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me.."

Those words tingled.. and by morning.. you were littered with the marks of Jeff's love.

....

The day you left the camp you thought was maybe the luckiest day of your life.

Jeff dug through his pockets, pulling out a dirty bloody diamond on a silver band.

" In case I leave you high and dry keep this with you." He slipped the ring on your finger roughly. Not on one knee... not with love and affection... just like it was a basic necessity. " and as a reminder that you're mine."

You still had it, years later, tucked in the smallest pocket of your emergency bag. You would never pawn it... and it was something you could keep with you always, blood and all.

You followed him, leaving the tent, your old clothes, your food, everything. You figured you would eventually gain the things back that you lost, but you lost count as the years dronded on. You arrived at the motel on a Saturday... and the police surrounded your old campsite on Thursday.

You were long long gone, that was the last piece of evidence before the case went cold, ice cold. In the life before you left, you were gone, it was snuffed out and you ceased to exist.

The motel was alright. It was the only one for miles around and it was connected to the train station by a long lonely road.

You bought the room with Jeff's money and had originally planned to stay for three days. Well... you would have known better.

The first night you finally slept. You curled up to Jeff, you were watching the news in bed. With your head on his chest, you finally fell into the deepest sleep yet, comforted by his presence.

You woke up to a violent shake the next morning around four am. Jeff climbed onto of you and started. It hurt... and you whined from pain. He went rougher and wrapped his hands around your throat, squeezing tighter and tighter with each thrust.

You swore he was trying to squeeze the life out of you. You were tired... tired and weak.. and as much as you struggled and hit his grip remained.

Right on the line or turning blue and passing out he whispered...

" I should just..." he squeezed harder and you felt your swallow get stuck in your throat. " do it... and follow soon after you..."

Right as you started to get sleepy and enterally tired he let go. You gasped shallowly, your throat being too hurt and too scared to get the air in. Jeff hit your chest hard with his fist... and that started to get things going again. You coughed and suddenly life snapped back into your body and you twitched rolling over slightly.

You started breathing normally around 10 minutes later, now lying on your side not facing Jeff. You laid there... your breathing deep and even.... your mind clouded and really just numb. Like a TV that lost signal.

You didn't talk about it. You never got an apology. You just left it at that. The first night with the first real night.... jeff tried to end it all.

Maybe that was a testament to your relationship, maybe it was the end of the last pieces of innocence you had left. You never knew and you didn't need to know.

Eventually... he rolled you over. You pretended to be asleep.. but you weren't and still, you weren't sure if you ever were going to sleep again. He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into him.

It was a long night...

....

Safe houses were worse than living in a tent. Well, basically it was the same thing. You usually had cold water, to no water, to very little gas (for cooking and heating) to no gas ( for cooking). They were usually shitty abandoned houses that you were illegally living in or cheap rented-out cabins in shitty campgrounds. Housing took a while to get used to but eventually, Jeff started picking better places. Places with electricity and hot water. Places that you thought were paradise but in reality just had basic human necessities.

You overlooked it though... and really for most of the first three months, you weren't sober enough to care. As long as you had Jeff, alcohol, a place to sleep, and chips ( and the occasional fast food meal) you were fine. Slowly though, right around the anniversary of you running away.. the bare minimum wasn't enough.

You found that the breakfast of gin and bubbly water didn't satisfy you anymore. You wanted eggs... and orange juice... or at least a real orange in fruit form.

You felt hungry and for once... you felt... well hungover...

I mean you had mini hangovers after every three to four-day benders but this was a real hangover... the one you felt deep within your mind and your stomach. Your body craved booze but wanted to throw up at the thought of it. You just wanted to throw up in general. You wanted to die... you felt that this was the only way to make the pain stop.... you lay there... your body sore from months of sleep deprivation, drug abuse, rough sex, and lots and lots of drinking.

You groaned and rolled over. Your body was heavy... so heavy and you were so so so thirsty....

You got up slowly but surely. Light hurt... it hurt so badly... sound hurt... you hurt... your bones hurt everything every hurt so so badly...

You managed to get up.. and reach the gallon of water from the other side of the room. You opened it and barely lifted it, and drank. You drank and drank and drank.. like the first drink in a long drought.

You drank water until your stomach hurt and you needed air. You panted slightly and burped then gagged slightly... feeling the water mixed with acid coming up your throat and then back down. You burped and gagged some more, throwing up a little but this time. You spit slightly.... and it ran down your chin and onto your lap...

"Ugh.... I wanna die... " you moaned.... and laid on the floor... the word spinning and everything hurting.

Around 30 minutes later you woke up again... in extreme hunger... and a little less sore.

You sighed and got up... stumbling a little. You stabilized and walked down the hall.. holding on to the walls for support. You sighed again and walked into the kitchen... where the only thing you had to eat was a half-eaten bag of flaming hot Cheetos. Your stomach gurgled at the thought of them and you gagged again in disgust.

Never again.

You thought as you backed away from them and thought of what you wanted.

You wanted real food. You wanted a sandwich.

You sighed... you had no money... and the nearest food place was miles around. You looked everywhere... and to your luck, there was an untouched, old pack of ramen noodles in an obscure cabinet.

Lord praise be on the heavens...

You heated water in a small pot on a smaller stove with one flame and when the water got hot you dropped the noodles.

They boiled and the smell drove you to gag again....

Your body wanted more than food... it wanted alcohol and lots of it. While the noodles were cooking, you poured yourself a drink and it tasted like the morning. Never mind it being 5 pm in the afternoon.

You were halfway through the bowl of noodles when Jeff walked in, hungover and just as dead inside as you.

" Hey Jeff..." you mumbled happily, slightly tipsy on your morning drinks.

"Hey." He smiled, walked over to you grabbed the drink out of your hand, and drank it. "You make the best drinks baby... extra strong..."

You smiled put down the noodles and poured more.

Four drinks in... you were on the counter... half naked.

" My partner in crime..." Jeff dug into you, making you moan out in pleasure. "My... perfect... little..."

"Jeff..." you moaned.

"Lover."

He always knew what he was doing. He always knew that you never had a choice and in a way, you knew that too.

If not the cycle would have broken by now, but here you were... years and years later.

Chapter 7: Chapter seven

( I'm so bad at editing, anyone wanna be my editor? You'll get sneak peaks into the story early and ill be forever grateful)

You stood there, in the middle of the doorway, biting your nail. Should you walk in?

The door was propped open, in wait for customers, but it was 8 am and there probably wouldn't be any for a while... it was a small town.

You watched as the blonde hairdresser went along... rearranging things in her station.

You took a deep breath... and walked in... grabbing her attention.

"Hey there.." she smiled looking at you with her cheery smile. "Can I help you...?"

" Um.. yeah.. I uh need-"

" Another haircut..? I think it's a little early, your hair looks pretty healthy."

" No um.. I need.. advice I think..."

"Advice..?"

"Yeah.. and I'm sorry.. but.. you're the only one I can.. talk to.. last time I called my mom.. things didn't go well.." you spilled out... kinda getting flustered.

You didn't talk to the people on the outside... you never really needed to. Jeff always provided for you... and for a long time that's the way things needed to be. After all, you were a missing child...

But the day you turned 18... You felt peace. Now it was legal to be missing... but that didn't mean you wanted to be found.

So you still let Jeff provide. You not being... well-adjusted enough to get your own things on your own...

But now... at the age of 20...

You were.

You were proud of your progress but hungered for more growth... for more... freedom... you felt trapped... and you have felt it for so so so long... but now.. sure enough, you were starting to see your way out.

Your response took her by surprise... but she nodded... and motioned for you to come inside...

"Here sit.. I'll get you some water..."

You sat in her station... and you swore you could cut the tension with a knife. She gave you the water... and sat across from you in another station.

"So what do you need advice on..?"

" I um... I'm really scared..." you admitted... and boy oh boy did that feel good. You had felt such intense fear for so so so long... and it felt good to express it.

"Well.. what's wrong..?"

" I messed up... I really messed up... so so so bad.." you spilled. "I'm trapped..."

"Trapped?"

You nodded.

"By what?"

" You said.. that you lived with someone who made you clumsy too..." you sighed... feeling horrible but you knew you had to do this. "How did you... get... away.? How did you get less clumsy...?"

"Well... it was hard... I'm not going to lie and say it isn't... and it's still hard... it hurts... it really... really hurts..." she sighed out.. taking a sip of her water. "But it was the best hard decision I've ever made... it was worth all the pain and loneliness... it's worth everything not to be in fear anymore."

You felt tears come to your eyes.

"You don't know how amazing it is for it to be over..." she sighed. "That's just my two cents though.."

You felt a tear escape.

"It's not easy getting out though... you need someone you can trust.."

" How... do you do it alone..?"

"Alone...?"

"Yeah..." you didn't go into detail.

"Well... there are shelters and places dedicated to helping you.."

" No I mean.... alone..." you sighed out, feeling your heartbeat in your skin.

"How alone...?" She leaned back.

" Well... um..." you sighed out. "It's just... me... and well..." you rubbed your stomach. "Me and them..."

" So... it's just you and your baby..?" She asked trying to understand fully.

"Yeah..."

"Have you been to the doctor at all...? How many months are you..?"

" um.. no..? Am I supposed to..? I feel fine... and uhhh... maybe.. 5 or 6..?"

She sighed... and looked at you with sympathy.

"You need help sweetheart..." you stared into you. "You can't do this alone..."

That broke you.
Tears started to spill.

"I'm scared..." you admitted choking up. "I'm scared... I'm so so so scared..."

"Does... your boyfriend hit you..?"

You nodded now crying harder.

"And he knows you're pregnant... and he still hits you..?"

You shook your head slightly.

"We haven't uh... talked much... I changed and started... I guess avoiding him... I just feel so gross and fat all the time... and he doesn't want the baby... and I do.. but I can't and I'm just so trapped.." you sobbed out now louder.

"Woah... woah... it's ok sweetie... come here..." She held out her arms and you hugged her softly, crying into her shoulder. "You not trapped... it's alright..."

"I don't know what to do..." you sobbed out....

"It's ok sweetie... you're never trapped... it's ok... I'll take you to the doctor... well get through this... and then we can give it to a loving family... I promise it'll be ok..."

You hugged her, holding on to her tightly. You needed her, she was your replacement mom.

But... you should have known better.
You shouldn't have lied to him. You shouldn't have confided in another person. You should have known better.

....

You sighed and counted your money..

You had exactly 50 dollars.
Just enough for a new outfit...

You walked into the thrift shop.. and went to the women's section. You looked for jeans... something nice and tight-fitting. You grabbed two pairs... both placed at 5.99 and went over to the sweater section, picking out a regular run-of-the-mill grey sweater. You walked over, grabbing a couple of black plain t-shirts. One that was tight-fitting, medium-sized, and baggier one. You picked up a nicer pair of sweatpants, for when your jeans didn't fit anymore.

You walk over, picking up some tennis shoes and a pair of boots.

All of which costing around 45 bucks.

Five bucks left.... enough for some bus ticket.. but not enough to get far.

You sighed.... handing the money over, watching the cashier take it and click on her register.

"Bag?"

"Huh? Yeah.." you said caught in thought.

" You look familiar, did you go to high school here?"

" Uh.. no.. I'm not from here..."

"Funny... could have swore I've seen you before... huh... is your name Jenny by any chance..?"

"Um... no... it's um Rachel.." you mumbled low and she looked you up and down.

"Damn... coulda sworn..."

You laughed slightly and awkwardly... getting your change back. You grabbed the plastic bag, quickly shoving your change in your pocket.

You sighed slightly, giving a second glance to the cashier. Who was looking at you strangely...

Don't think about it...

You placed the bag on your right shoulder, walking out and onto the path where your safe house was located.

Part two completed...

You got a haircut... and now you got new clothes...

Soon... you would get some more money... and continue planning from there.

...

"Where have you been?" Jeff questioned as soon as you walked into the door. Your heart leaped into your throat and you tried to swallow it down.

"Shopping, I bought maternity clothes.."

He cut his eyes to you.

"Right..."

"Yeah..." you mumbled... looking down out of instinctual fear. You went to walk past him, to put your clothes away, when he grabbed your wrist, pulling you towards him.

"You're not lying to me right?" He whispered in your ear, sending shivers down your spine.

"Of course not.."

"Good...." he let go of you, and smiled, bringing you into a hug. " my good girl..."

You smiled... feeling your cheeks heat up.

Oh jeff...
sweet sweet jeff...

" I love you.." you mumbled audibly looking up at him. He leaned down and kissed you softly. So softly.. and so gentle... you could have never guessed what was to come next.

You smiled, and kissed back, feeling his scars against your lips. You wrapped your arms around his neck, and he picked you up, wrapping your legs around his waist.

"You're such a sweetie..." he whispered in your ear, kissing your neck, leaving you even more lovestruck and dazed. He walked you guys over to the couch, effortlessly, making you feel lighter than air. Not the gross fat mess you've been feeling. He sat down, brought you with him, placing you on his lap, with your legs to the side. He kisses your neck, running his hands up your back. " I can't believe I found a human as good as you..."

Your heart jumped into his grasp at the moment those words left his mouth.

"Oh Jeff..." You placed your hands on his cut cheeks. "You are the love of my life.."

"You're the love of mine."

.... isn't that how he always gets you?...

Before you knew it, Jeff had sweet-talked you out of all your clothes.

Of course he never really needed to.
Nevertheless, his sweet words failed to get you completely naked at the drop of a hat.

Before you could realize it, he sweet-talked you into leaving love bites and marks all over your flesh.

You were under his spell once again. Sometimes though... magic isn't enough to make everything disappear.

...

You woke from a fuzzy dream to a blood-curdling nightmare.

" Local hairdresser Lola Scott was found dead inside Mountain View salon early Saturday morning by her co-worker. Detectives are still unsure but have stated that there significant evidence that it could be connected to the three murders in the past six months, more on the 11 o'clock news."

Your blood ran cold, and you felt your heart break so violently you couldn't help but throw up.

Its all your fault...

You thought to yourself... over and over... feeling the weight of the reality squeeze you and crush you.

Its all my fault..

You felt selfish but really... you felt so sick and so bad... because now... you were.. really alone...

You sobbed and sobbed... not caring how loud you were or how Jeff was home. You cried like you haven't cried in years, leaking the toxicity you kept to yourself.

"Hey babe..." Jeff smiled.. walking in front of you. "Have you seen what I did for us..?"

You looked up at him, tears pouring down your face. Nodding.

"What i did do to save us..?" He crouched down in front of you, holding your cheek in his cold hand. "To keep you with me..."

" im sorry.."

"Shhhh... shhhh..." he rubbed your cheek.
" Just remember..."

He started scratching softly... digging his nails into your flesh.

" i will do anything to keep you y/n..." he brushed his thumb on your cheek bone. "Go through anyone.."

You sniffled and cried harder.

" Nothing will keep us apart... understood..?"

You nodded.. and just then.. the baby kicked..

" i love you y/n.."

" i love you too.."

( honestly i feel like this isn't my best :/ everything has been really really hard for me lately, maybe it's affecting my writing. Idk ill snap out of it soon... don't worry... also happy holidays guys. Much love -pastel)

Chapter 8: Chapter eight

You think the day she was born, was the happiest day of your life, despite everything that happened...

A few months had passed... and you had moved from place to place. State to state. Jeff didn't seem satisfied no matter where you went. He even considered crossing national borders into another part of the forest.. for a deeper location.

It was quiet... it was lonely... just surprisingly dark... you didn't know the earth could be this dark...

But what could you do?

You sat on the couch... lonely as ever, watching your daytime television. You sniffled slightly... missing the warmth Jeff provided you... He's been gone for about a week now...

You know... going into this.. you didn't know you had to do it alone...

And...

That's when it started.

Deep deep pain inside your stomach... it contracted... and sat deep within your muscles.

You sucked in air sharply... doubling over slightly... you put your hand on your pregnant stomach...

8 months now...

It moved slightly... as the baby kicked...

You felt another wave of pain... as your stomach moved and your muscles contracted.

"Ah fuck..." you cried out in agony... tears coming to your eyes.

Oh my god... it's happening.

I'll save you the details... but it wasn't pretty... and no woman should have to go through such an event alone...

....

Hours later.. you woke up... in a deep deep throbbing pain...

You were still on the living room floor... but this time with a blanket over you.. and a pillow under your head. You sniffled slightly... sitting up.

Excruciating pain ran up your lower back and legs...

Your foggy mind suddenly cleared up.. at the sound of a small fear-filled wail. Your skin erupted in goose bumps.. as your motherly instincts kicked in.

"What?" You cried out... and the wail became louder. "What.. Jeff?!" You called out, sitting up, ignoring the pain. you needed to get up.. and you needed to do it now..

Your baby was crying... it needed you.

"Jeff?" You cried out again, making the wails become louder... you suddenly got to your feet, feeling pain running up and down your legs and back.

You were still naked... and blood covered your legs...

"Huh?" You heard Jeff mumble from the kitchen...

You walked over... ignoring the pain... ignoring the blood. You leaned on the doorway for support... looking into the kitchen.
There at the table.. you saw Jeff... holding your little girl.. wrapped in an old towel.. looking rather scared...

He looked up at you.. with widish fear-filled eyes... and you both stared at each other... the baby's wail breaking you out of that trance... you walked over to him... taking the infant out of his hands... holding her little body to yours. Yours slightly warmer than hers which wasn't a good thing...

You guys needed help... outside help..

"Y/n..."

"Yeah..."

"I'm sorry..."

"It's alright..."

"I'm sorry I couldn't... get her to stop crying..."

"Its ok..."

"She's scared of me..."

"No... it's alright..." you sighed out exhausted...

You both looked at each other again.. and she calmed down. With that you walked out... leaving him at the kitchen table...

You walked into the bathroom grabbing towels... turning on the water in the sink... making it warm.. but not too hot... slightly warmer than skin warmth...

You placed a rag under the water, soaking it... whipping the blood and goop off of her. You washed her ever so carefully... wrapping her in a clean towel, bundling her up so lovingly.

She was a quiet baby.. only making soft noises and the occasional whine.

You cleaned up yourself, still holding her close to you.

She was so beautiful... she was so pure and sweet. You loved her... so so much..

You walked out... setting her on your bed as you changed your clothes... picking her up again and crawling in bed with her... holding her close to your chest... and you both sat there... soaking up the world.

....

Days later... you felt sick..

You were still in pain.. and everything felt cold... you couldn't get out of bed.... and.... everything was so dark and scary.

Jeff had come into your room... to crawl in bed with you and sleep... and to bring you food and water... but nothing else.

He never held her... and he never even looked at her.

"Jeff..?" You asked him on day four.

"Yeah...?" He answered from the other side of the bed.

" I need to go to the doctor.."

"Why...?"

He sounded... distant... and scared...

"I don't feel good... and she cold..."

"We cant..."

This didn't come from him not caring... or him not wanting to bother... it came from the cold reality that you were a missing person... and you couldn't just go into a hospital like a normal person.

But you needed to. She needed to. You already went through the birth alone... and survived that... but you knew now... that if you were going to continue being alone... one of you was going to die...

"Please Jeff..." you mumbled out. "We need to.."

"I know but... rules are rules..."

You felt like crying... you were so desperate... and so scared. You loved your baby... and you couldn't bear the thought of her dying because of your helplessness...

"If we don't... either I'm going to die... or she going to die... or both..."

" It hasn't come to that yet.."

" I can't move and she's cold, Jeff, yes it has.."

"Stop fighting with me on this.."

"I need help."

"Would you shut up?!" He yelled slightly... scaring her and making her cry.

"Jeff, I'm going to the doctor... I'm not letting her die.."

"No you're not..."

"Yes i am."

"Y/n.. I swear to god.."

....

It has been a week now.

She's a quiet girl.. and she doesn't eat much. She's still cold... and you knew it was only a matter of time before you would wake up to find her non-responsive.

Jeff left a few hours ago, leaving you with plenty of canned food and bottles of water, meaning he wouldn't be back for a while.

You got dressed, layering up, in multiple shirts and jackets.
She was born in December.
It was cold outside... too cold... it was going to be a long walk.

You were still in pain... sore... and you were pretty sure you still had an open wound.

Still... you knew she needed help... you knew no matter how great the pain was... you needed to walk and get her help.

You slowly but surely put on multiple pairs of pants... wrapping her up in multiple blankets and towels.

You grabbed a small wad of cash... not more than 120 dollars.
Enough. Besides the hospital wouldn't just let you die because you didn't have money...

You held her close to your chest... trying to give her your warmth...
You loved her so so so much... her soul was connected to yours... and it was beautiful...

So you knew... the only way for her to be happy.. healthy... and safe... was for her to to be as far away from you as possible...

You left around 8:00 am... it was cold.. maybe... 40 degrees. You continued holding her to your chest... giving her your everything. You walked.... and walked... only focused on her. She made soft noises... and grabbed at your chest.

She loved you so much... an unconditional love... a love that bonded you as mother and daughter.

You passed trees... and they all blended into the same green mass.
You sat down, pulling out some water and drinking it slowly.
She cried slightly... she was never loud... and she was never noisy. You unzipped and unbuttoned your various layers, getting ready to feed her.

You hummed slightly... comforting her as she ate. This would be your last day together... and even if she didn't remember you... you wanted her to know, in some subconscious way.. that you loved her... and that you always wanted her to be comfortable...

After around 20 minutes she stopped sucking... and you bundled up again, getting up. A sharp pain ran through you... and you let out a cry... walking through it.

Only a little more to go...

You continued walking... as the sun followed you in the sky... making the hours fly...

It was almost dark by the time you made it into town....
it was a small town... but it had a 24-hour clinic... and that's all you needed....

You wandered.... looking homeless... and probably pretty intimidating. A baby... tightly held to your chest...

It was completely dark when you made it to the clinic...

You opened the doors... and the front desk lady gave you a wide-eyed stare...

"Uh ma'am... are you alright..."

" I... I... have... a... a long story..." you breathed out exhausted... "My baby's... cold.... and she won't warm up... please help her..."

She was making soft noises... looking up at you... smiling slightly... her eyes were bright blue... and you would never ever forget them.

"Oh... ok... well... give her to me... are you ok... you look hurt... here... follow me well let you see the doctor right away.."

She put on gloves... and opened the door leading into the doctor's office... grabbing your arm slightly....

"Hey! We need a doctor immediately! Room 12... it's ok sweetie we're almost there... how old are you... What's your name...?"

"I... i... I'm Rebekah.... and... I'm 20... and can you help my baby... she really quiet... she doesn't cry..." You were about to start crying

She led you to the room and sat you down... taking your baby from you....

"It's ok... she's ok... how old is she...?"

"She was born a couple of Thursdays ago..."

"Have you sought medical attention..?"

"No... and... I haven't... been to a doctor... since I was.. 16..."

"Then... How did you have the baby...?

"In my living room..." you admitted...

"Oh... oh dear... it's alright... we'll get you all checked up and fixed... don't worry... you and your baby will be fine... what's her name..?"

"I... don't know... I never.."

" Oh... ok.. well.. well call her.. uh... Mia for now... it's ok... here you hold her'll get the doctor..."

You stood there... not really sure what to do.. or how to feel... you had made it... and you had finally gotten the help she needed... you even got a name for her... what else was there to get now...?

Some clothes...?
Some food and blankets... maybe some diapers...?
New parents....?

Not much left...

"You grabbed the nurse's arm as she hurried out the door..."

"I can't... take care of her..."

" That's what we're going to do... it's ok.."

" She needs new parents..."

That took the woman by surprise slightly. She nodded her head and sighed.

"Let's get you guys fixed up... then we can talk about adoption options..."

You went through all the medical tests and treatments... they gave you medication.. and we're considering transferring you to a different hospital for mental reasons...

But in the dead of night.. when the hospital was quiet and slow.. you slipped out...

But not before seeing her.. just one last time..

You slipped into the room that housed her... taking her out of her crib. She was warm now... so warm and more... alive looking... she looked up at you.. not making much noise like always... whoever she was going to... will be happy because she a very quiet baby... and she doesn't cause much trouble...

And you hoped they loved her just a fraction of how much you loved her...

You held her to your chest... and she grabbed onto your skin... almost saying that she loved you too.

"I love you so so so much sweetie..." you whispered to her. "And I'll always love you... I'm really sorry..." You kissed her forehead. "I'm so so so sorry... but this is for your good.. not mine..."

She giggled slightly.. grabbing at you.

"I hope... somewhere... in your heart... you forgive me..."

You have her one last hug... and one last kiss... and you placed her down in her crib... wiping the tears from your eyes.

She started whimpering... wanting to be in her mother's arms again. Her whimpers turned to cries... and you knew that it was your sign to leave...

As much as it hurt... and as much as her cries felt like knives in your heart... you knew you had to leave... and not look back.

It was for her after all...

Her cries grew louder.. and you ran out of there... quietly trying to escape them. You ran down the halls.. covering your ears..

"Ma'am? Ma'am?! What are you doing?!" A nurse yelled at you.. but you ran right past it, running through the doors of the ER into the blackness of the night.

....

It was morning time when you made it back to the safe house. It was quiet... and you walked in, to a cold... empty house.

Jeff was there though... but he wasn't... he was passed out... in a mess of pills and alcohol...

You sighed.... and decided... now was the time were things went back to normal... you laid him on his side... and out a bottle of water near him... setting on the couch beside him.

You were cold... and your lips were blue... and your feet were frozen... you walked into the kitchen... grabbing the only bottle of vodka left. you held your breath... twisted open the bottle and just drank...

You drank and drank... choking slightly.. only stopping for air and the occasional gagging. You drank and drank... until the bottle was half empty.. and you were on the floor crying. You missed her... and you knew nothing that you could ever do could make that feeling go away... you knew that nothing you could ever do could give her the life she deserved... you knew you weren't a good parent... you knew that you would never be one... and that you were never going to be normal enough... ok enough to get her back... and you knew... that you were never going to leave Jeff... because he was the only thing you had now. Like he was before like he always will be.

So you drank and drank... until you threw up... then you drank some more...

You drank until all the sadness was numb... and you couldn't feel yourself.

You continued drinking... finishing off the bottle.

Your eyes were heavy... and you suddenly had a hard time breathing...

You passed out... on the kitchen floor.

Chapter 9: Chapter nine

You wish you could remember how it began... you just couldn't... it just seemed like.. one day he was in your life.. and you never questioned it...

But somewhere.. deep down... you knew the whole story.. in gritty detail...

...

You were never a great child. You always had emotional issues, mood swings.. and the run of the mill "problems" that the "problemed" children had growing up. In all actuality to say you were the "problemed," child... this description would be very accurate...

Your parents never really dealt with the issues you had, believing that you would eventually grow out of them. Besides they had other kids to deal with...

You never blamed them though... you knew it wasn't their fault you felt the way you felt... and you knew deep down.. that they loved you.. and truly didn't know what was going to happen next... and they didn't know that their incompetence would lead to this chain of events that unfolded...

And you were even sure that somewhere deep down.. they hated themselves for what they felt responsible for. you liked that though... it was some sort of closure.. because they felt that way.. you never felt that you needed to seek revenge for the normal sane human being you could have become... you felt that the matter was just left as it was... and you were alright with that.

In your younger years... while you still had so much rage.. confusion.. depression and animosity Jeff came in.. and swooped you away to deal with your problems in a self-destructing type of way. Which in a way, you were thankful for. You weren't like Jeff... you couldn't just kill your parents or hurt them.. without hating yourself for the rest of your life... and you couldn't just hurt others without clearing up later.. and live with the consequences.. but you could hurt yourself and feel nothing as a result... which I guess just seemed more livable..

You were sure that your parents... must have been grateful too... not for the self-destruction you brought on yourself but for the fact that they no longer had a problemed child to deal with.. but of course.. that was not the case... because problemed or not... you were still their child.. and you know... now having a child yourself... you understood that

You were always an unruly child... going through elementary school with many visits to the principal's office... and many suspensions... you had anger issues.. and you never played nice... leading to isolation from the other kids... leading to more anger and misplaced rage...

In middle school... you seemed to simmer down a bit.. going to a new school in a new town away from all the "problems" of the other one. you can't run from your problems... because they always.. find you... no matter where you hide...

Middle school was alright... you found new friends who acted like you... just angry at the world for no good reason... and you clung to them because finally for the first time.. someone sorta understood you.. and you would do anything to keep them.

They taught you the ways of dealing with your anger... which led to you doing drugs... and drinking... the something that numbed all your problems and started you off on the path of self-destruction.

But it was also something that eventually led you to meet Jeff... and something that made you not scared of him... it was something that attracted you to him...

He was all your problems personified into one person... and it was incredible... so incredible. Now you had finally found the one person who was just like you.. but more extreme... braver than you... stronger than you... the unstable high school student just couldn't resist

Of course now you weren't like him. In fact, now you can say he beat the rage and life out of you, or at least the life you were living before. Now you were more...calm.. quiet... almost sedated... but hey, trauma does funny things to people.

It was a dark night... and you had run away yet again. You weren't far, you were never really far actually, only running a couple blocks away and never really actually leaving, just more for the actual thought of running away and not the action itself. Nevertheless, though, you were still acting like it.

It had been two days... and man oh man.. it was just the start of your bender.

You and your group were in your favorite hideaway... in a tunnel under an abandoned washway. You had been warming up... drinking and smoking all day. You were at a right crossfade.. when the harder stuff started coming up...

You had experimented with coke and boy oh boy was that fun...

But you weren't done... you had other chemicals to take... and you weren't going to be satisfied until you did something regrettable.. and boy oh boy did you ever.

You don't really remember how you got into Jeff's arms... and you don't really remember your friends leaving either... you don't remember a lot of things about that night.. but... you do remember how the next morning went..

You woke up.. pretty alright.. considering the partying and such the night before. You woke up... to an odd smell... and an odd heaviness on your body... so you turned around to see what you were it was coming from... and there he lay.. one arm draped around you... passed out stone cold.

Was the most beautiful man you had ever seen in your life...

Of course... right now he wasn't pretty... right now... everything was cold and tasteless... wasting all your dopamine the night before... but still.. even in your most sober and uncomfortable state... you still thought he was handsome... and your heart fluttered... like it never had before.

In fact, before Jeff... you never really found anyone attractive.. and you would "date" people but were never in a relationship. You didn't have feelings for others, you just had rage and distaste for them. So now, having this wondering giddy feeling in your heart stomach, and chest.. was weird... and you liked it.

Which made you think.. that he was the only person to make you feel this way.. to make you feel well, alive...

And boy... was that the start of something terrible. Or good, depending on how you look at it.

You tried to sit up.. but he pulled you back down, pulling you into his chest... holding you there.. like he needed you. You smiled... and wrapped your arm around him... even if you didn't know who he was. You just knew.. that.. you liked this.. and that.. you didn't want it to end...

You rested your head.. on his chest... and listened to his heartbeat... finding comfort in its somewhat steady beat... And you laid like that... until you noticed.. that it was quiet.. really really quiet....

That's when you remembered... the night before... kinda... but mostly just your friends. Where were they..? You seemed to be alone...you went to go check on them.. maybe they were just outside...

I think you knew they weren't... but you went to go check anyway.

You pushed past your sleeping friend... and got up.. feeling the soreness in your body. Your legs, arms, and back hurt from dancing all night... your nostrils hurt from all the coke... and your lips and teeth hurt from the grinding...

You were a mess but then again when weren't you a mess?

To your surprise.. they were gone.

"What the hell..?" You mumbled to yourself... kinda angry... how could they just leave you...? where did they go..? What if you overdosed and died there? Would they even come back to check on you? Did they even care?

That was a burnt bridge if I've ever seen one...

I'm sure that's not how the story goes.. but drugs are a weird thing... they make you feel everything.. and then nothing... they make you believe things that aren't true... and they make you forget the things that are..

Like.. you don't remember... that the odd smell was actually dried and coagulated blood... and you don't remember the blood that leaked out from the tunnels... or the "four local teens found dead.." that was all over the news.

You just remember him
And how he made you feel.

...

"You love me!" You teased him slightly.. "you love me and you know it!"

"Shut up.." he growled at you... pushing you off of him.

It's only been a week and you were already incredibly infatuated

"You love me.. and you know it.. and I know it.. just admit it..."

"I don't love you.."

"Yes you do."

"No i dont."

"Then why are you with me right now?"

"Because im horny..."

"Mmmmhm.."

"Yep..."

"So you don't love me."

"Thats right."

"It's ok that you love me... I love you too.."

"If I tell you I love you.. would you shut up?"

"Mhm."

"Fine I love you." He sighed slightly.. cutting up more coke.

You know, when you're looking at someone through rose-colored glasses.. the red flags seem like just pretty colors.

You both snorted it... and the best feeling of excitement, ecstasy... and happiness and rush ran through your guy's veins.

God you loved coke
God you loved Jeff

Jeff turned towards you... wiping his nose and pushing you roughly onto your back...

"Ah... Jeff..." he dug his nails into you... and caused you to bleed all over him.. and he bounced you on his lap violently...

God you were so ready to give Jeff every part of you... and the Coke just intensified it.

He was your first... and he was going to be your last... he got sex from you whenever he wanted.. and that intensified his obsession towards you.

But you weren't ready for this... and he wasn't either. You were just a child... a confused.. angry child... and now.. at age 20 you still were a child.. in the body of an adult.

That night, Jeff did what he wanted with you. You couldn't feel it on account of all the coke.. but in the next few days... when you guys finally stopped partying... you would feel it... and some part of you regretted it.

You had bite marks.. scratches... cuts.. and bruises all over your body. And when everything was said and done... you had found something you loved more than drugs... someone who didn't cause you anger... and wasn't that a dangerous thing?

....

"Yeah you like that?!" Jeff growled at you and you smiled, feeling his fingers pull your hair. He smacked you... and you felt his love sting your check...

"Honey...? Where did you get those bruises from...?" Your mom asked... as you slipped into the house from another four days of fucking off and partying..

"No where."

"... where have you been..?" She sounded weak.. and nervous... your mom was never a strong woman... that's probably why she let you do what you wanted... when you wanted... she couldn't tell you no if she wanted to...

She was scared of saying no... and also scared of everything else... Which also made you angry... but that is a story for another day...

" nowhere..." you repeated... grabbing a glass of water..

"Alright..." she stayed quiet... and you looked over to her. "You're being safe right...?"

"Yeah..."

You know... sometimes you were angry at yourself for treating her like this... she didn't deserve it.. she had her own issues. You justified your actions at the time, with bullshit excuses.. like she shouldn't have had kids in the first place.. but you knew that didn't justify your shitty behavior. She was scared of you... and it took you being in fear yourself to understand that.

You thought that maybe your running away had been hard on her the most...

But of course for a long time... you didn't look into it... and you didn't care...

But now, having your baby... leaving your baby... changed the way you viewed things...

Which made the way you viewed your past different...

....

"Are you ready to do this baby...?"

Jeff prepped your veins.. while you crushed up the painkillers.

"I'm nervous.." you admitted..

"It's alright.. it'll feel really good..."

He finished.. and grabbed a bent metal spoon. He placed the pill powder in the bowl.. and added water, mixing it with a toothpick.

"Drink that water.. get your veins going."

You nodded and complied. He heated the mixture with a lighter under the spoon.

Your heart thumped with fear and excitement... you were so excited... this was gonna feel amazing..

He cooked the stuff, then got out a clean needle.. filled it with the goodness from the spoon.

He snatched your arm, flipping it over, grabbing your elbow.

"Take a deep breath..." he stuck the needle in... pushing down on the plunger.

It hurt at first.. really badly actually.. it burned.. and overall just uncomfortable.. like getting a vaccine..

But as soon as he untied your arm... you felt it. A wash of pure untapped ecstasy... it was incredible. It was like you were floating on a sea made of your desires and warmth...

You never had a problem with drugs. You had a problem with Jeff. Sure the drugs didn't make anything easier, but they weren't why you stayed, and they weren't what necessarily made you happy. The problem was that you had no control around Jeff. He pushed you into things you would never do on your own. He made you want to be things you weren't. He made you think of things you never would.. he just made you a different person. A person who you thought you wanted to be, but you weren't, and it doesn't matter how much you want to be something... if you're not that thing... then you're not.. and that's something you wouldn't accept.

That night.. you shot up painkillers with Jeff. So what? You did drugs with him often.. but what happened next.. was new.

You laid, strung out on the semi-clean motel bedspread... on the line between fleeting ecstasy.. and unconsciousness...

"Hey baby...?" Jeff asked between lines.. and pills. You groaned... acknowledging the fact he said something. "I just.. have this itching.. in my brain..." he mumbled between gritted teeth.

You looked up to him.. he was fuzzy.. unclear.. and beautiful... but you were unaware of what he was saying... and what was going on...

"Like.. an itch I cant scratch.. like... I just.. need to scratch it... I need to scratch and scratch until there's flesh.. and blood.. under my nails... and on my skin... and.. and..."

What was he saying...? What..? Scratching....? Were you itchy? No...? You were good... warm and quiet...

"God... you're so pretty... so fucking pretty... your flesh is so soft... I could just..." he was drooling slightly... so.. worked up... he touched your face.. digging his nails into it.

It felt like sand... like your skin was sand that someone was pressing into... it was gritty... and cold slightly.. damp maybe..? It was very satisfying.. you wanted to touch it too...

"It feels good..." you whispered slightly... now touching your cheek itself.. placing your hand on top of Jeff's... feeling the sand go in between your fingers and into your nails.

" god... I.. just..." he panted slightly... "I need to get out of here..."

You didn't notice though... you placed your hand on your cheek.. running your fingers up and down..

You heard the door slam.. but you didn't make sense of it. You were still lost in your mind... playing in the sandpit of what it had become...

And before you could realize... you were sober.. and Jeff was back.

You were still laying there... the warmth now long gone.. but just laying there felt great.. so you laid peaceful.

The door slammed open, making your heart almost instantly stop. You got up.. slowly.. your body still heavy and fuzzy.

Jeff stood in the doorway.. head down.. coated head to toe in red. His image was staticky.. only having the dim yellow motel porch light illuminating him. He panted.. and his breath was visible on the cold winter night... ice was stuck to his hair and skin.

You looked at him, bearly registering what.. was happening...

"I'm home baby..." he was panting slowly now... slow uneven breaths...

You noticed the cold next. He was letting out all the warmth.. your skin erupted in goosebumps

You wanted to move, but it was sorta hard too...

Jeff walked into the room... closing the door behind him. He flipped on the lights and the room flooded with this painful brightness. It felt like there was a painful zap in your eyes.. and you painfully shut them.

You slowly opened them again... but you weren't really seeing anything. It was blurry, hazy, staticky, and bright... really bright. Your eyes weren't adjusting... so it left you in a blind state.

You could still hear though... and feel things...

So you heard and felt Jeff walk over to you... and place his hand on your chin, forcing your head up.

You looked up at him... and it was really only a silhouette... a colored one... the lines of his body were clear.. but it wasn't really... colored in correctly... it didn't really make any sense.

"Do you still love me..?" He mumbled harshly through gritted teeth. " do you fucking love me.. y/n..? Huh... do I still turn you on baby..?"

You blinked slowly... his vision becoming clearer... and clearer... slowly...

"I love you..." you mumble whispered out... what was he talking about..?

" Really..? Do you..? Do you wanna hold me..? Love me..?" He growled... and you started to notice the smell.. the metal-like tinging smell... it smelled familiar.. and gross.. sort of.. like... something you shouldn't be smelling.

It never really occurred to you that it was blood.

He picked you up... holding you up straight... making you sit up on the bed.

"Look at me..." There were blurry red specks and splotches on his face... clothes and skin... you didn't really care though... and you didn't really bother about why he had it on him.

You just wanted the warmth back... and you just wanted to drift into another peaceful part of your mind.

You shook slightly... feeling cold and sober.. and so gross... just not right... you wanted more.

" Tell me y/n... am I beautiful..? Do you think I'm beautiful..?"

You squinted slightly.. trying to get a good look at him.

"Of course I do.." you smiled slightly. He was the most beautiful man.. he would always be beautiful to you.

"Good girl..." he kissed you forcefully and passionately... shoving his tongue in your mouth... rubbing it against yours.

It didn't feel good though. Nothing did, everything was cold and tasteless, just uncomfortable.

You groaned quietly... pushing him off. You weren't really into it. You didn't want him to kiss you or touch you... you just... didn't want anything or anybody...

"Baby..." he clutched you in his hands... and pulled you closer. "Kiss me."

" I don't feel good..."

He grabbed your arm... getting another needle ready..

"You're gonna.. it's ok..."

You didn't feel the needle this time. You just felt the rush of warmth and ecstasy... and your heart and soul melted.

As soon as you relaxed, giving the face of pure ecstasy.... he started up again. He crawled on top of you, kissing you roughly.

You felt it, in and out. You were lost, on a private island... surrounded by sand.. sun... and ocean. Miles and miles of ocean. You were alone... relaxed by the peaceful sea breeze, surrounded by waves and waves of happiness.

In fact. You don't think you even felt any of what he was doing to you. You didn't really feel anything. You weren't really there...

I guess that is also how he always got you to say yes to what he wanted.

Drugs are weird things. They make you do things... you wouldn't when you were sober. It's alright though, it's not like you remembered anything....

...

That's how.. he came into your life. Just one day... you woke up next to him.. and.. he never left.

You were suck like glue and you loved him.. more than you ever loved anybody. You thought that was permanent too, because you would only love him.

Until the day you died.

Chapter 10: Chapter ten

You woke up slowly... and.. groggily... your head pounded... and you felt like death. You didn't really care though, you didn't like the thought of waking up... and you just wanted to go back to sleep.

Because honestly
What was the point..?

You rolled back over, and the cold icy sheets tightly covered your body. Squeezing and suffocating you... which you also didn't really care about.

Was this rock bottom?
No, you had farther to fall.

You sighed... and tried to fall back asleep. It was no use though... you had been asleep for 17 hours already, your body had had enough...

It was time for your alcohol and sleeping pills, and another 17-hour "nap."

You stretched out your arms... feeling your bones crack as you moved them for the first time in a day or so... you sat up... shaking your legs slightly, waking them up. You sat forward, swinging your legs over the side of the bed, placing your feet on the ice-cold floor.

She was born in December.
Now it was February.

You got up.. walked down the hall.. past the living room... where Jeff was sitting.. watching the news.

"Jesus Christ, it's about time you woke up."

"Yeah well... I was tired."

"Tired my ass."

You shrugged... walking past him, and into the kitchen for your breakfast of painkillers and vodka.

You swallowed two pills.
Took three shots

Now you wait.

He followed you into the kitchen... coming up to you face to face.

"No wonder why you fucking sleep all day..." he took the bottle from your hand. You shrugged again. "If you're going to numb your pain, at least do stimulates."

You shrugged again... I mean... why not?
It's been a long long time since you met up with your old lover...
You had nothing else going on. No reason to not do it... in fact, you probably had more of a reason to do it, than not to do it.

"Fine. Get me some and I'll take them."

" And it'll end all this depression shit?"

"Yeah."

"Fine."

"It'll be like old times again." You smiled at him. How your heart ached for everything to go back to the old times...how... ready for you to fall back into his grasp... how ready for you to return to the life you lived before.

In fact.

You were probably ready to die this way. You didn't really see the end for you. You didn't see how this could possibly play out in any other outcome.

You didn't want to live. But you didn't want to die. It was a weird feeling. You just wanted to sleep. Sleeping was a funny thing, laying there blank for hours. If you dreamed. You dreamed of sitting on the couch.

You were alone, in your dark living room. The only light pouring from the screen. What are you watching? Can you even hear it? You just see flashes of colors... from time to time, but it's not the TV show that's important.

It's the way you feel in the dreams. It's a feeling that sticks with you a few more minutes before you wake up... and when it leaves it just reminds you that you're back in reality... and it wasn't real.

In a way, it's more painful.. cause it feels so real... but it's not.

It's a real painful mind game.

In your dreams.. you feel relief. You feel a weight off your shoulders... you feel.. reborn and new... as you stare blankly at the TV... like the secret to your new life is in there.

You wish you could see past it.

Sleeping was a good thing. Dreaming really wasn't. You knew though, with the right pills... and the right combinations... that you could sleep for hours with no dreams. Just an out cold, blank sleep. You facing the edge of black and nothingness. That in itself was beautiful... it was peace.

It was the closest you could get to dying.. while waking up the next day. One day you wondered, though, if you were to slip... or fall... or jump into the black... what would happen? Would you die...? Would you wake up abruptly? No idea.

You've gotten close to testing it though. Maybe around a week ago, you took a bad combination

Two sleeping pills + plus a muscle relaxer + a painkiller + a couple glasses of wine.

Was it suicide?
You didn't think so
Did it look like it?
Yeah
Could it have been it?
Almost was.

You sat on the edge of the blackness... suddenly... it was slippery... and unstable. The ground shook slightly... and you felt that it would give way any second.

You woke up though. Sharply and abruptly... by Jeff.. pushing on your chest, hitting it. You gasped for air... being starved of it for some reason... you gasped and coughed.. feeling dry and cold...

You stopped breathing...

You went about five minutes before he shook you... waking you up sobering up instantly.

You didn't like to think about it
You didn't change after that either... but Jeff woke you up a lot more often
Which was sorta annoying but you lived with it

You guess he was worried about you, though he wouldn't show it.
But what did you care?
You didn't need people to care for you
You didn't even care about yourself
So it didn't matter....

You missed her, you missed her so much.
You didn't know why, but your apathy towards everything excluded her. You thought about her so often... and it hurt so bad... like you were rubbing your fingers on an old burn.... it still hurt but you couldn't stop.

You thought about her when sober... and honestly, it was too much to bear... why did you do that to her....? She cried so hard... she needed you.

And you just ignored her
And you just left her

Her cries... haunted you... and you swore that sometimes... you could hear them..

You wanted her back... you wanted to explain yourself to her. You wanted to explain all the things she would be feeling and that they were ok. You wanted to watch over her and make sure she didn't make the same mistake you did. You wanted to watch over her so she wouldn't become like you or Jeff.... you wanted to explain to her how important that was.

But you never would
And you would never ever see her again
And you could only pray that she would be placed with a good family in good hands... and you could only hope that they knew how to handle what they have..

She was such a quiet girl... but you weren't sure of how permanent that was.. and if she was just sick. You didn't know if she was that way because of your mistakes during pregnancy... and you didn't know in the end... if she was truly ok.

What had happened in those days where you and her laid in bed?
Did she eat enough...?
Was she warm enough...?
Was she cared for properly...?

You felt such shame... how you could hurt an infant like that...

Like you didn't care..
But you cared so much.. her safety and her happiness were your only concern. Even months after you gave her up.
And eventually... it would drive you crazy with how much you cared

Was she with anyone?
What was she doing?
What was she eating?
What did she look like..? You...? You hoped she looked like you
Did she still have her big beautiful eyes..?
Was she still a quiet girl..? Did she cry more?
Did she know you were gone..? Did she know you existed...?

Was her new mom loving her... like she was her own..?
Was her new dad holding her gently and proudly..?

Was she happy?
Was she sleeping?

So many questions you would never have the answers to and it bothered you deeply
It made it hard to cope with losing her
It made it seem like... it was a mistake giving her away... a mistake you can't come back from. It's something that's permanent. It's something you had to live with because there was no way you could ever reverse it and that hurt the most.

Everything just hurt so much... all the time. You tried your hardest not to let it bother you... but.. you were just lying to yourself.
It did bother you... and there was no way to reverse it or fix it.

Honestly,
Why were you even alive anymore?

Every day is the same and it makes each passing day worse.

Jeff didn't understand and he never would.
He didn't want her, he never looked at her. He never cared and he never would. He never cared about your sadness.... he was just upset that you were too sad or too doped up to have good sex. Cause that all you were to him....

The sad thing was that you didn't even care

You had always known that's what you were to him... but... you liked feeling like you were something to someone... and if that something was just sex, well it was better than nothing...

And maybe that time you stopped breathing was a suicide attempt
You just didn't know it.

....

Jeff woke you up from another induced sleep and the same routine followed.

You cracked your bones... and stretched slightly... you were exhausted.. and you just wanted to keep sleeping...

"I'm surprised to find you alive... you haven't choked on your own vomit yet?"

"I guess not." You mumbled rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. You were so tired... and not in the mood to do anything...

"I got you some of this." He tossed a little baggie of white powder at your feet and you just stared out.

Why not?

"You got a key?"

"Yeah." Jeff dug into his pockets, taking out several keys on a big key chain, handing it to you.

You open the baggie, select your key, and scoop a small portion of the white powder onto your key.

"To being normal again." You mumbled, holding the key under your nose.

"Right..."

You snorted it... and tilted your head back to make sure everything got down there.

Ah..
How amazing this felt..
The tingle in your nose... and the taste of it down your throat...

Just like old times...
Just like how it was before

"Are you feeling better...?"

"Yeah..." you breathed out. You felt so much better... so much happier. You felt alive and full of energy.

"Yeah..?" He smiled at you.. placing his hand on your shoulder.. rubbing down your back.

You snorted more... just wanting to feel happy again...

Jeff took the bag from you... placing it on the table next to you.. and you laid down on the bed... feeling your heartbeat shake in your chest. It felt so good... so so good.

He crawled on top of you... kissing you harshly.. like he had been waiting for a while. You kissed him back, liking the feeling of your tongue on his...

He kissed your neck.. and down your chest, biting you... scratching you...

You didn't feel any of it...

"Ive missed you so much y/n... so much..."

"I've missed you too..."

He placed his hand over your mouth and bit deeply into your neck...
your body cried out in pain.. and tears came to your eyes.

But you didn't stop.
You wanted to make Jeff happy
You needed to make Jeff happy
If you didn't have him, you didn't have anyone
You couldn't let him leave you...

So you let him bite you
You let him scratch you
You let him hit you
And you let him fuck you.

He continued at it... going so rough and hard that you started bleeding.

You haven't had sex in a while... and it hurt so bad... but it didn't matter. You let him tear you up.. and cut you. You let him fuck you towards the point of blood and pain

And you didn't care

It wasn't the drugs
You came down a long time ago
It was for that fact that now you realized you didn't care about yourself anymore

You decided to change at one point... and you threw away all that work. You never really wanted to leave, you were just telling yourself that. The fact is, you didn't stay out of fear.. or love... you stayed because you truly believed it was what you deserved

You felt like... you didn't deserve a normal life... you didn't deserve not to be hit and used up. You didn't deserve anything better... and you didn't deserve happiness....

So where did that leave you...?

With a nosebleed... and some rough sex.

Chapter 11: Chapter eleven

I think the scary part is, that you just don't remember a large portion of what the last four years were...

You remembered bits and pieces

You're not sure why.. and you never really wondered... how that could be... but now it scared you.

What was the last years of your life..?

Was it the drugs..? Was it memory loss..? No..? You didn't think so. Your explanation of it was that you simply chose not to remember...

But what could be so bad that your brain involuntarily just removed it from you. Like an animal picks at a parasite. It was natural and needed in order for the organism to heal.

Is that how you looked past everything...? Is that how you were able to forget all the wrong he had done...?

Well... you should know better than that... you can't truly forget everything. Nothing ever truly goes away...

And maybe after all it was for the best that you forget... because forgetting was really the only way of forgiving. You really had no other choice of forgiving either...

Maybe it was better that you kept up your partying lifestyle.. so you could forget... forgive and move onward....

Right..?

....

"I told you to stop fucking crying!" Jeff screamed as you sobbed holding your hand in pain. "Crying not going to make the pain go away... you dumbass..."

You sniffled and tried to stop.. but it hurt so fucking much it was involuntary at this point..

"It hurts..." you whined out.. crying more. Your two fingers were absolutely shattered, and your nail was completely ripped off of one of them...

But how did it get like that..?
You had no idea.
You just remembered the pain...
The screaming...
the crying...

It wasn't the worst pain you had ever felt... no...

But it was pretty damn close.

You couldn't move your hand. It was so weak and frozen... it shook in a consistent rhythm in such a way.. that it was as if your body was trying to describe to you that it had no idea what was going on....

You cried harder as you tried to move it, and you felt it struggle. You tried to twitch your smashed fingers.. but nothing.

No response...

You held them to your chest... and sobbed like a scared injured animal would do.

"I told you to knock it the fuck off!" He roared at you, snatching your injured hand up, forcing you to flatten it.

It hurt immensely... and you swore to god you almost passed out then and there...

You shrieked and fell to the floor wanting to die...

This wasn't right... shouldn't you be feeling adrenaline...? Dopamine... anything to combat this pain in the slightest...? You broke stuff before, never felt it... the adrenaline always masked it until you got help... but this was different...

This had been broken for a while...
And has been sore...
And inflamed... and damaged...

How long had your fingers been like this...?
Your ripped and torn nail wasn't even that wet anymore...

There was no blood... just... this weird goo... and puss...

The sharp increase of pain brought you back to the present... and Jeff was trying to flatten your mashed fingers... and set them.

You screamed in pain as you felt your bones scrape against each other, around tendons and muscles...

It was too much...

And since you haven't been listening much to Jeff... and we're staying quiet like he wanted...

All it took was one squeeze to the bummed-up hand for you to pass out in pain.

It's alright though... you don't remember how he broke your hand... and you don't remember the days after he set it for you...

But you didn't need to...
But you would like to understand why your ring and middle finger had a slight bend into them...

...

Jeff never liked you crying.
It made him uncomfortable and he would have nothing to do with it. Unless those tears were caused by sex. It wasn't for him...

But you couldn't help it...
You were always sorta sensitive...
It doesn't matter if you live with the man who has the thickest skin ever... it's just something that doesn't wear off... and something you have to form...

But you could just never seem to form it..
Until that one night..
When Jeff brought work home...

You were passed out again.
Before that, you were up for three straight days... doing lines... drinking... taking Adderall...

You didn't stop until your heart beat funny...

So it wasn't a well-deserved sleep.. but a deep one nonetheless...

Well... that was until you heard a scream...
it was the most gruesome... most blood-curtailing scream you have ever heard. One of pure fear and helplessness...

You jumped awake scared... panting... thinking it was just a dream...
And it could have been... everything was quiet... and still... and you panted... holding your face in your hands....

Until you heard it again..

"Jesus Christ... help!" Someone, most likely a girl.. screamed out in the most horrific sound imaginable... "Someone help me, please! Please! please! please!" She sobbed out in her helplessness...

You snapped your head back up.. and cautiously stepped out of bed, watching your footsteps and movement.

She screamed again. A vocal cord ripping scream...

"Get off me! Get off me please!" she screamed out once more... as though she was fighting someone.

You tip-toed down the hallway... just peaking out into the living room... which was surprisingly empty...

She screamed again.. a pain-filled scream... followed by loud gurgling...

She sounded closer this time.. and louder too... and the sound was coming deeper from the house... like... in the kitchen maybe..?

You continued cautiously, slowly, walking past the living room and ever so slowly peaked your head into the kitchen... where a nightmare was unfolding...

A nightmare...

At the hands of jeff...

Oh... how could you forget this...?

You were right.. it was a girl.. a girl around your age... and she even sorta looked like you...

Same hair color... turned brown and red stained by her and his blood...
same skin color... cut and ripped up...

And when you saw her face...

She even had the same color eyes
Except
She was missing one...

She was face down.. struggling like she wasn't even injured... while Jeff sat on her back, pinning her down. Slicing into her skin like he was cutting up some animal... and she screamed and screamed....

God did she scream....
She screamed so loudly and so horrifically...
you thought it would never end... and in a way... it didn't...

Because you still remember it... you just didn't know...

It was always there... in your nightmares... in your bad trips..

A constant reminder... of who she was...
And what you did...

Jeff looked at you... and gave you a look that you've never seen before...
This one...
Was just...

Nightmare inducing...

There was so much of it that wasn't human...
there was something so animalistic in his gaze...
Like a cat that plays with a mouse... before she sinks its claws into its flesh..

"Y/n...?" Jeff said in a voice that was not his own... and his poor victim... laid there gurgling, sinking in her own death...

And you didn't answer... you just blinked... as tears rolled down your cheeks...

You wanted to help her... you really did... but you didn't want to get scratched..

He wasn't a cat... you could shoo away a cat.. but this... was an animal.. a wild.. voracious beast... a tiger... who would turn on you next... if you messed with its kill...

"Yes Jeff..?" You whispered quietly... almost afraid to speak.. tears... choking your words...

" come here baby..."

Your heart froze... and your feet stayed... and you just stood there speechless...

"Y/n..." he asked a little more aggressively... a little more... animalistic...

Your breath quivered.. and tears poured from your eyes...

" I... don't.. want to..."

Her gurgling became louder... like... she was just.. trying so desperately not to die...

She wanted to live so badly...
You could just tell...

"Y/N!" He screamed and you jumped back, crying out louder... " I told you to come here!"

You nodded... and slowly but surely.. walked over to him, tears streaming down your face...

You stood by his side.. and he brought you down to him... over her...

He rolled her over... and you saw her face again... blood poured from her mouth.. from her nose... from her... eye hole...

Her face was swollen and contorted... she gurgled bubbles of blood.

Oh god... why would you want to remember this...?

You started crying...
You didn't know why
You were scared.. and helpful... but still... you weren't in any worse situation than the girl in front of you...

But you just couldn't help it...

"Baby... baby..." Jeff cooed at you... getting up and wrapping you in his arms... "She's nothing baby... she no one..."

You cried harder... and her gurgles became quieter.. and the bubbles around her mouth started to pop and not form again.

"Don't cry for her... she's just meat.. nothing more than bones.. meat and blood..." he held you... kneeling you down towards her again. "You don't cry when you eat beef... and they are made of the same thing she is... bones... meat... and blood..."

His voice made you physically sick and you started to gag. He pulled you closer, his lips to your ear...

"... you're going to put her out of her misery... just like an animal... you want her to stop hurting don't you..?"

You cried harder... and nodded... just wanting her to stop looking so pained.. so helpless... and you knew.. somewhere if she lived... live would never be ok for her again.

Because she met jeff
And whoever meets Jeff
Never usually lives to tell the tale
And if they do, they don't want to.
They know just as well as you.. that it's not fun anymore...

He placed the knife in your trembling hands... and kissed your cheek.

"Just go through the throat baby... and all her pain will be gone..."

You shut your eyes... and took a deep breath.. before looking at her again.

Her eye was glazed over... her breathing was shallow... the bubbles.. had stopped forming... and she was starting to turn pale... and cold...

You sucked in your breath, and cried out harder, as you finally shoved the blade throat... and she finally went quiet.

No gurgling
No movement,

Nothing.

You cried so unbelievably hard....
What did you do...?

God what did you do...?

You don't really remember much... but after that.. jeff moved you again.

He fueled the drugs that helped you forget... and he provided you a place where you could be alone... where you could soak in all that you've done...

You went to some motel.
And that when for the first time... you tried heroin...

It was a magical experience... in this world of bloodshed and hatred.

And it helped you forget her... but... you never really did...
You also didn't cry much after that... something deep down inside told you... that much worse things could happen...

So your skin thickened
Your trauma quieted for a little while...
but soon you would be sober again...

And you would hear her screams...
or you would hear mias cries....

You never had a moment of peace and silence... so you filled the void with anything

And that just made you forget.

....

So... how did any of that leave you to this..?
Did it matter?
Did anything matter..?

You lay in your bed, wrapped in Jeff's arms. Sick in with drawl. Your stomach burned... and your head pounded...

Your emotions fluctuated... and for the first time in a long time... you remembered...

You didn't want to, but you had no choice too.

Your panicked and starving brain did everything in its power to get those substances again.

So it gave you everything you wanted to forget, it forced you to remember so you would do anything to forget.

It was all in vain though... because you were going anywhere... you were stuck. Forced to remember things... that took months and months of constant highs.. to finally disappear...

But were they all bad..?
Was he really such a bad person..?

...

The only time you've ever seen Jeff cry, you weren't really sure what you were seeing.

Was he really crying?
Was he really showing something remotely human..?

You knew what crying looked like, you cried all the time and it was never pretty. Jeff didn't look like that though.

He looked the same.
He still had a smile... he still looked erratically happy. The only difference was the river of tears pouring down his face. His breathing didn't change much, maybe he breathed slightly faster but no hiccups and no disruption.

You weren't sure what you were looking at.

He had stumbled into your room, crawling into bed with you, wrapping his arms around you, laying his head on your chest.

You were somewhat awake, you didn't want to be. You had just given your child away, and you really didn't even want to be alive.

So when you saw him, you weren't really sure what you were looking at. It was blurry and unclear.

"I'm happy you're back." He finally broke the silence.

"Yeah..." you mumbled. Dried tears caked your cheeks and your voice.

"You didn't leave me..." he rubbed your arm slightly.. but you chose not to feel it.

" I didn't.." you sniffled feeling more tears come to your eyes. You didn't know why.

"You chose me." He tightened his grip on you...

"I did.." you mumbled.

He got up, sitting on the bed looking at you. You didn't look back. You drank more... and laid back down.

"I miss her..." you whined out... feeling a burn in your throat. "I really wish I didn't."

You looked at him, him just being a gray blur in a dark room.

"I'm sorry." He admitted... his voice now changing. You blinked and rubbed your eyes, clearing him up a bit.

"It doesn't matter."

You think you hurt him. You didn't mean to, but you had no choice but to be transparent.

You couldn't have lied if you wanted to.

" I was scared." He whispered... and.. you weren't sure what you were hearing. If this was even Jeff. Or if this was a dream.

"I was too..." You felt tears form again, the warmness spilling over your eyelids and cheeks.

You sat up slightly. Wondering if this was even real. If you had died and were now talking to a spirit or god. If this was a dream and your mind was talking to your subconscious.

It was real though... and how you knew it was real because when you woke up... Jeff was wrapped in your arms... with his head on your chest... dried tears and eye goop on his face.

"Did you even love her?" You asked, not really sure if you were expecting an answer or not.

"I did" his voice was tired and strained, like he had been crying in his sleep.

"Why didn't you look at her..."

"She was scared of me..." he mumbled defeated...

...

It's been four days, and you shot up the last of your supply about three hours ago. Your high was tapering off and you were lying there just motionless.

You would be sick soon, and you could hope that you could sleep through it.

But that wasn't the worst of what you had to face. You just laid there... your mind going wild... thinking of things you haven't in a while...

And that made you do crazy things...

Chapter 12: Chapter twelve

(Its almost been a year since I've updated this and all i can say about that it's because im a human garbage can, thank you for reading)
(But for real thanks for all your kind words and for sticking with me, let's have a great 2020)
(Also can I say it's so weird that it's 2020? I started writing this sophomore year in high school and now I'm a sophomore in college. Time flies for real, now enough of these edits, and let's get on to the story)

You didn't know what you were going to write

You sat there... pen on paper... just unsure of yourself. You never thought you were much of the creative type. You couldn't draw... writing was a challenge.

You sighed.

The consistent wave of self-loathing ran over you and you stopped it before it hit the core.

No.

There wasn't time for that...

You tapped the pen and lit up a cigarette. Maybe the nicotine would help creative juices, you didn't know, probably not. It wasn't easy like that.

"I'm sorry.."

Those were the first words on the paper. The only words that could come to mind.

" I'm sorry.." you printed out again. "I'm sorry.. to my mom... my family... to... all those people, people I can't really remember because it's a blur.."

You puffed on your cigarette, finally feeling the words come out.

"I'm sorry I enabled all of this... I'm sorry I stood by his side... I'm sorry I was complicit"

You smoked more, almost needing another cigarette.

"I'm sorry to everyone we've hurt, I'm saying sorry because he never will..."

You sighed out shakily... tapping on the table.

"There no way, we can live with the things we've done..."

You thought to yourself, that, even if you got away, things... would... never be alright. You didn't want to leave here alive, you realized that now. You could never just do that, you could never move on. There was no future

The things.. that have happened, the things you've done, they didn't deserve a future and there was no time to face it now.

They are things, you could never be sorry enough for, things that could never be forgiven.

You guys needed to be taken out, but you needed some sort of evidence that you were here and that in the last days, you were sorry and were ready to right your wrongs.

So you kept writing....

...

You woke up different today. The feelings of sadness and self-pity weren't there.

You stretched and lit up a cigarette. Getting out of bed to go to the bathroom and to get a drink.

Jeff was gone, he left a while ago to do whatever. You never really bothered or cared what he did anymore. Pure apathy and that hurt in a whole new sort of way.

A refreshing pain, but pain nonetheless.

You revised your plan.

Tonight... was gonna be a good night.

For the last time you would rest in his arms... and drift off to a lovely middle place. The place you know exists, the place you go to just before you drift off for the last time.

It was time...

....

He came back several hours later

You were up... smoking a cigarette, working on your note

"Hey" you mumbled not looking up, puffing on your cigarette, smoke tickled your nose and eyes. You were never the most elegant smoker

You were never really elegant in anything
Truly a bull in a china shop.

"Whatcha doing?" He asked. You weren't sure if he cared about the answer, you wouldn't if you were him.

"Killing time..." You tapped your pen on the paper. Man, this wasn't much of a suicide note, was it?

"Lame.." he mumbled out slightly, not really caring. You felt the apathy in his voice.

Usually it bothered you.
Made you feel small.. like... well it's a bit dramatic but it kinda made you feel like you didn't matter.

No one was listening
You could have answered a million different ways
And then his answer would have stayed the same

Like a pre-written script
Like nothing was real
Everything was fake, everything...

And it hurt... you couldn't stand it...
the world you built...

It was everything you thought you wanted... but... it wasn't.

Back then.. you realized you didn't know what you wanted... you were only sixteen anyway. Few if any people know what they want at that age..

You thought about it...
were you even stable enough for a normal life? Was this destiny? If you stopped your bad behavior in your tracks... could you have escaped this?

If it wasn't Jeff.. would it be someone else?
Would you have bounced around from one bad relationship to the other? Would you have stayed?

Would your next boyfriend be abusive?
Would you care?

But... what about your obsession?
To be loved at whatever cost?
The cost to you, your family, and anyone that cared about you... if anyone still did.

You know your mom cared about you... and in some way, you knew why.
You were her kid... just like how you still cared about Mia... she was your kid.. and if she ended up just like you... you would still care for her. She was your flesh and blood, just like how you were your mothers.

"I'm sorry Mia..." you wrote, your pen bleeding through the page with pressure. "I'm sorry I brought you into this... I'm sorry for everything you'll face... I'm sorry that you have my blood... because it's poison and you will never stand a chance..."

God this was a shitty note...

You sighed and lit up another cigarette. You puffed and felt the nicotine in your veins. A wave of dopamine glided across your brain in a relaxing way, making you exhale deeply...

Man cigarettes were great...
a stick of pure relaxation
You would have to have another one of these before you died.

You finished writing out your sins, ashing out and folding it up carefully. You placed it under the ashtray. Half sticking out, half hidden.

You stretched, reaching your arms up, your bones cracked unto place. You stretched out your spine, making it pop back into place.

Step one... complete...

It was time.. for step two..

...

You reached past the shower curtain and turned on the water, waiting for it to steam up.

You push off your sweats, and lift your hoodie over your head, dropping them both to the floor.

You looked in the mirror at your naked body, it was the first time you'd seen it in a while.

You were skinny, the skinnest you've been for a while.

You didn't eat much, it's a vicious cycle.

Drugs don't make you hungry.
You get high
You don't eat
You get sick
You don't eat
You get high again
You come down
Maybe eat a ramen noodle
And repeat...

Your bones stuck out.
You could rest your arms on the outline of your hips, and you finally understood why it hurt when you lay down on your side.

Your ribs stuck out,
You could count each one.

Your knee bones were prominent
And the skin was covered in bruises

Your thighs were spread out and limber, even though you stood knee to knee...

You didn't notice it getting this bad
It's like you were dead already

You could feel the warmth radiate in from the shower and you broke your gaze.

It was weird, that didn't look like you
Your brain couldn't recognize it. That couldn't have been you, you didn't look like that.

You looked dead already.
I guess you forgot how much using made you lose weight
How much it killed you from the inside
While you didn't know why you never noticed before
Maybe you were in denial...

You sighed and shut your eyes, turning away from the mirror and heading into the shower.
You didn't want to see it anymore...

You stepped into the warmth and let the water pour over you.
It felt so good. A natural dopamine rush.

You pour shampoo in your hands and rubbed it into your hair. It felt great and you dug out the oil and dead skin. You noticed your hair had gotten thinner. Weird.

It was oiler than usual, maybe it's been a while since the last time you showered.

You didn't know, last few weeks were blurry.

You tilted your head under the water, shutting your eyes and holding your breath. You ran your fingers through your hair and squeezed out the rest of the soap, coming from under the warmth, breathing again. You rubbed soap and water from your eyes and reopened them.

Man... this was the best shower of your life.

You rubbed conditioner into your hair, being careful not to overdo it. You tied your hair to the top of your head with an elastic, leaving your hair to saturate in conditioner.

You rinsed off, careful not to wet your hair, and lathered your skin in soap, forming small bubbles of white. You rinsed off again, then did the same thing over, this time grabbing a semi-new razor.

You placed your leg on the side of the tub and started removing your leg hair. Yours didn't really show much, but you decided to go all the way.

You did the same to the other leg, then the armpits. You rinsed off again and grabbed what was left of your face wash. You poured the last blob of it into your hand and rubbed both your hands together. You closed your eyes, rubbing your cheeks and chin. Your forehead and temples feel the oil wash away.

Finally it was time to rinse off.

With your eyes shut, you rinsed your hands, and took out your hair tie, going under the water for the final time. You ran your hands through your hair, and on your face washing away whatever was left of the conditioner and face wash. You shook your arms slightly repeating the process over and over until all the soap was gone.

You turned off the water, shook off for the last time, and squeezed the water out of your hair.

You stepped out onto a slightly grimy floor.

Did you ever clean this house? How long have you been in this one? A while right?

You wrapped a semi-clean town around you, and you wiped your face. You dry off and wrap the towel around your head.

Time to do some make up.

You sat in front of a cracked mirror that must have been here before the place was left and trashed.

You poured your small makeup collection on a table next to you and wiped your face from any grease or water that was left.

You put the concealer on your bare skin, covering your dark spots, blemishes, and faded spots, smoothing it into your skin.

You started looking better already.

You put some foundation on a small sponge and dotted your skin with it, making it even and real looking.

You covered your skin, your neck, and parts of your chest, breathing life into your dead skin.
It's been months since you did makeup, and you were surprised it wasn't expired.

Once your skin was taken care of next was your eyes.
You plucked runaway eyebrow hairs from your brow line and covered the red spots left behind with a bit more concealer.

You filled them in and smoothed down the area. Next, you started painting on eyeshadow, blending the natural colors within each other, giving each eye its own attention.

Your eyes looked more alive, the dark spots were gone and they looked more optimistic than before. You carefully drew on small wings with black eyeliner making your eyes bigger, giving them more definition. They looked almost beautiful.

You carefully applied mascara, making sure you didn't get any spots on your eyeshadow. Making sure they didn't clump together.

You smoothed ChapStick on your lips. Your lips looked pale and dried so you're not sure how this was gonna work. You waited for it to dry, before painting on a lovely shade of red, the only shade you had and the only one you thought made you look good.

You made sure to fill in the lips and not go outside the lines.

You placed on the setting spray and looked for any imperfections.

It was as beautiful as it was gonna get. As beautiful as you would allow. As beautiful as you could be at this time.

You started to shake a little and started to feel that pit in your stomach, hitting you with waves of nausea.

Dope sickness was about to set in, and your bones started to became stuck with cement, and needles penetrated your muscles.

Each movement started to hurt, and you felt like doubling over and vomiting.
Your stomach groaned and you felt it want to come out from both ends.

No one ever really talks about how bad withdrawal is when they go through it

Vomiting
Body aches
Diarrhea
Shaking
Migraines
Sleeplessness
Hallucinations

Or maybe they did. You never listened... you never cared. It couldn't happen to you.

It wouldn't happen to you.

And at moments like this... you missed home the most.
For some people... maybe most, home was a person.. or a place... or an artifact from their past life...

But for you... home was a feeling.
A warm feeling in your chest... glowing with nostalgia and... false happiness.
A bittersweet feeling
A bit of dopamine but also a bit of another hormone you didn't know the name of.

You missed watching out the window of a moving car, watching familiar sights.
You missed knowing something like the back of your hand...
Your new life was so scary... and new... and it's been like this.. for years.

Why were you just feeling like this now?
Why does it matter now?
What shifted?

Maybe... you were just slowly realizing that.. you didn't know what you wanted... when you decided you wanted this.

You never imagined yourself like this years later
In fact, you never thought of the future
You lived in the present and the past.

You were ready...
ready to end your future before it ruined your present
Before it ruined other people's present

This couldn't go on forever

But you wondered

Was this all written in the universe
Was this meant to be
Or just random chaos.

(You bet ur ass ima write at least two more chapters! Stay with me!)

Chapter 13: Chapter thirteen

You had that dream again.

The one where you're in a small black box. You struggle and pound against the sides but nothing.

You started to feel claustrophobic... as the box seems to get smaller and tighter. It closes in on you and squeezes into your skin. You can't breathe, feeling what little oxygen you have left starting to run out, and of course, you start hyperventilating making it worse but you can't stop. You pound and hit, shaking the box so hard you were even sure you bounced it up in the air a few times.

The box starts to dig into faster.
your arms are in the top corners, your knees hitting the sides. It's so tight you can't touch your hands together. You can't touch your arms, your legs, or your face.

And it just squeezes and squeezes.
The lack of oxygen starts to make you dizzy.

Everything in the already dark box goes even darker and darker... and it feels like you are dying until...

It breaks.

It shatters around you... and you're sitting in the living room... watching yourself.

The other you, dream you, is on the couch... and you see Jeff behind that one.

Hes holding a plastic bag.

The other you doesn't notice.
But the real you can't keep your eyes off of him.

It seems like a long time before anyone does anything.

They just stand there for a while.

You watching tv and smoking...
Him standing over you... you are totally oblivious to what was about to come.

The first time the real you was too
But you've had this dream too many times to not know what's gonna come next.

And when it happens it happens so quickly.

He quickly wraps the plastic bag over your head, quickly snatching the handles of the bag, and pulling the bag as tight as he can against your face.

You can see the outline of your face pressed against the bag.
The plastic in your mouth going in and out as you struggled to breathe.

There's steam in the bag.
Coating the inside.
You're sure it was quite warm in there too.

You struggle for a bit, your hands grasp the plastic and you try to rip it up with your nails but nothing. Jeff pulls tighter as red marks start to form on your neck.

Even know it's not you, you can feel yourself suffocating.
It hurts.
It hurts more than you can imagine.
Your lungs burn and it's so painful not being able to take in a proper breath.
To not take in any breath.

It lasts for so long...
10-15 minutes.

You can only sit there hopelessly watching.
Before you would try to scream.
You would try to hit him.
You would try to puncture or pull the bag off.
But nothing works.

You can't budge them.
It's like you're air, you can touch them, but you can't move them.
You're not wind, just air.

Suddenly, the fake you stops moving.
Her head falls to the side and she goes still.
He still keeps the bag on her head.
He keeps it there for what seems like hours.
You're not sure how long that lasts.

He finally lets go and he falls to his knees behind the couch.
He grips on the head of the couch and just sits there with his head down.

His shoulders start to shake... and you hear him sniffle a bit.
Then he just breaks down.

He cries out painfully and sobs.
He screams at an empty house.
He screams and screams, his pale skin turning a sort of pink.
He cries, his tears pouring down his face, snot dripping from his nose and onto his chin.

You've never seen him cry like this..

He pants, painfully sucking in air, only to just cough it out and choke again.

It looks painful
It looks familiar

You don't want to see him like this.

At first you tried to console him.
Tell him everything's alright and you're here, you're not that stranger on the couch.

But he can't feel you... you can't even feel yourself.

He finally gets up, propping himself up on the head of the couch. He stands there... head down... just crying.

He stays like that for a few moments... until he walks in front of the couch, and plops down behind you.

He takes off the bag so so gently.
As gentle as when he picked up Mia for the first time and he grabs you.

He places your head on his shoulder, and your body next to his. He turns up the volume on the TV, and they sit there for a while.

You can hear the TV too, it's your favorite show, and he hits there, holding you.

A few episodes at least...

Before he takes out a needle... a full needle.. filled with... something but not heroin.

He interlocks his arm with yours and lifts his sleeve up. He pierces his forearm with the needle and you're sure he finds a vein.

He turns up the TV as loud as it goes.... and he pulls down the plunger.

Soon he falls asleep, and you both lay there asleep.

Eventually You walk over, and sit down next to him. The couch doesn't move when you sit down on it.

You place your fingers on his neck, and it's cold and stiff. There is no pulse.

You lay your head on his shoulder and close your eyes.

You feel nothing.
You are nothing.
Just this blackness that is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

And just like that you're awake again.

You don't dream much anymore.
But when you do it's that one.
And it always ends the same.

You think it was an omen.
For something you have to do.

.....

"Hey baby... you're looking good."

You hear his voice coming from the doorway. You feel sick.. but it's not time for that right now.

You took a few painkillers, enough to fight off withdrawals but not enough to get you high.

You smiled at him and walked over, placing your arms around his neck.

He picked you up and you wrapped your legs around his waist.

"I've missed you, Jeff... I've missed us..."

What people don't understand is... that he wasn't bad all the time...

Just sometimes.

But not times like these.

"I've missed you too baby"

It's been months since you had sex in fact, you don't remember the last time you did.
Sure, he may have had sex with your sleeping or unconscious body... but you never got much feeling from that.

That wasn't sex to you.

You didn't know what it was but it wasn't sex.

Lust ran through your body as he buried his face into your neck.
There was no biting or pain.

Just sweet kisses.

He wasnt mean all the time
If he was, you wouldn't have fallen in love with him.
If he was, you wouldn't have gone with him.

But when he was mean, you stayed? Why?
Because you longed for times like this.
Times like this were worth all the pain.

It was worth all the stranger's lives who were lost.
It was worth all the pain your family went through.
It was worth it all.
How selfish is that?

You moaned into him and he threw you down on the bed. He lifted off your shirt gently, and he ran his down down your chest to your stomach, back up again to grab your breasts.

It wasn't hard, everything was so soft,

You felt a tingle run through you, it gave you goosebumps, and it made your sense of touch heightened.

You pushed off your sweats and laid there in thin panties.

You felt the cold air run through your body, and it felt good.

He hovered over you, and kissed down your neck to your chest, and down some more. He placed his hands in your panties, and they didn't feel rough or cold.

It felt so warm... and soft.. and... and

It was times like these when you saw the real Jeff. You saw what no one else has seen. What no one else will ever see again. What you probably won't see again.

He was truly beautiful.
He always has been.
He always will be.

Even when he was at his ugliest, to you, he was always beautiful.
He or you had brainwashed yourself so good.
You would do anything to feed this obsession.

You would given your life away.
And that was a long long process.

It was almost done too, you weren't you anymore
And for years, and years and years
You haven't been.

It wasn't Jeff's fault, he was a symptom of it.
The truth was, you had lost yourself long before you even met him.
You thought maybe, he was the key to finding a new self or your real self.

But the time for that has come and gone.
There was only right now, and you needed to be in the moment.

He pushed your legs aside and pulled off
Your panties, his arms on either side of you.

And it felt so good.
Your eyes rolled back into your head.
And you melted into it.

You rocked your body with his, and grabbed onto his back, digging your nails so slightly.

And you melted into ecstasy.

...

You woke up a few hours later, jeff was asleep next to you, so you just rested your head on his chest, and listened to his heartbeat for a while.

You wanted to soak this up.
You gave everything for this moment and you wanted it to last.

He wrapped his arms around you, even while deeply asleep.

You laid there for a while, but you started to get sick, so like any good junkie, you woke up Jeff and asked him if he was feeling sick yet.

He groggily agreed, and he got up with you, and you both drank water and got your supplies ready.

You made the shots, you were a good judge of dosage and timing. You were also great and finding healthy veins. You were a good clean shot, maybe in another life, you would have been some sort of nurse.

You made them bigger than usual, definitely big for the first shot of the day. You had previously placed the note in an easy-to-find spot and left a voicemail on your mom's answering machine.

You shot him up, and he fell back in pure bliss.

Then you shot yourself up and did the same.
You swam in the warm waters, and let the heat take your body.

You swam,
And swam,
And swam.

You weren't sure when you stopped swimming,
Or when you started choking.
Or when you stopped breathing.

You were just so warm, peaceful, and free. For the first time in years, you were free.

And you died with a smile on your face.

...

Hours later, covered in vomit, Jeff slowly, and surely got up.

He felt sick and wanted to re-up again.

"Babe, you awake?"

It was quiet.

"Babe." He said more sternly. He shook you, and you barely responded.

"Babe!" He said, his voice flooded with panic and he moved to your side quickly.

Your breathing was weak, and your skin was ashen grey and pale. Your lips were blue, and he recognized this sign.

He has seen it so many times before.
In so many people.
But this was the first time, it scared him. The first time he wanted to help.

He told himself he could do it, he's saved you before, he could do it again.

He pressed on your chest and breathed into you, but nothing.

He gave up after 15 minutes.

You were so strong, and your heart kept beating.
Even if it was weak, and not in rhythm.

But now your breathing has stopped completely, and there was nothing he could do.

He laid you on his lap and spent your last minutes with you.

He sobbed over you, and through snots and tears, he loaded up what he had left in his stash.

He shot up sloppily and his blood dripped on you.

And he went for that lovely warm swim,

But as unfair and crazy as it seems, he kept waking up.

He tried again and again, but nothing worked.
What a sick game this all was.. and there was no winner.

It was over.

(I have one more chapter to write for this book then its over! I can't believe this blew up so much, you make my emo sophomore heart very happy, thank you)
(I hope everyone is staying safe, and if you're in quarantine like I am, I hope this brings you a little excitement)

Chapter 14: Chapter fourteen

(Whats up yall I decided to bless yall with a insomnia induced 1 am writing extravaganza enjoy lmao) (also ive been gone for a year now but don't worry im still mentally ill so yk the writing is hopefully still good.) (but I didn't really edit this so good luck bby)

She jumped up awake, sitting in her bed slightly shaking, using her thin arms for support. She panted softly, sitting up fully, and rubbing her eyes. She was in that weird middle place, the one where you're not quite awake, but not asleep enough to believe what's going on is a dream.

On the line of reality and a dream state.

Was it another nightmare?

It didn't feel like one.

It seemed all of her dreams were nightmares... so she was used to the routine.
So used to this middle-place feeling

Her heavy sleeping dose pills usually stopped her from waking up and evaluating what just happened. Instead, it left her from slipping from one nightmare to another.

Sometimes it stopped all her dreams altogether, being in such a deep medicated state that she only remembers drifting off to sleep and painfully waking up the next day.

This was different though, she couldn't remember having anything scary jolting her awake.

In fact.... she didn't remember having a dream at all, and she didn't feel sleepy anymore.
All of a sudden she was wide awake...

Adrenaline ran through her veins... something almost impossible for when you first wake up on sleeping pills.

You're usually stuck in the middle place for an hour or two.
But not this time.

She looked around, she didn't know why but her instincts were screaming at her too.
She looked around in the darkness, the only light coming from the small sliver of the moon outside her window.

Her window was open, and the room was cold.
It was winter, and she could swear she could see her breath through the darkness.

She shivered, not remembering leaving the window open that wide.

She couldn't feel her fingers or toes, and her blanket was like ice. She rubbed her cheeks to provide some warmth, but the shaking seemed to stop that.

Why was she so scared?
Was it fear?
Was she just cold?
Was it a nightmare?
What was it...?

Then she smelled it.
A horrible smell... that stunk of old alcohol, sweat, body odor, and blood. She could have swore that she could pick up the faint smell of death... but she wasn't too sure...

Where was it coming from?? The trash...?
No, it couldn't be... she took the trash out a few days ago

Besides it didn't smell like rotting food.. it smelled so much worse...
Like when she stumbled across that dead deer in the forest that one time.
It was sour... it was thick and suffocating.

God... what was this fucking smell..

Fear consumed her... and as she stared into the blackness.. she swore something moved.

She slowly scooted back down into her bed... pulling the blankets over her and covering her face.

This wasn't real.

She panted slightly doing her best not to move.
Not to make a sound

She was ok
She was ok
She was ok

This is just a dream...
Just a weird realistic dream
She would wake up any minute...

She curled up into a fetal position and shut her eyes tightly.

Come on...
Wake up
Wake up
Wake up

But then... she heard something.
She held her breath, her chest tight, her lungs burning.
She listened closely and she heard something.
A soft... sobbing?

Was it sobbing?

It sounded like something was breathing hard, trying to hide it. Like a kid who swears they're not crying.

She heard slight sniffles... A very familiar sound.

Fear slowly started to fade and she gently unrolled from her safety position. She went to go peek under the blanket.

She saw something move in the blackness, she was sure of it this time...

So this was a dream...
there was no way someone could be in here.
Her room was on the second floor, no one could have claimed in. Her front door was locked a deadbolted and her bedroom door closed, plus she had a million necklaces on it, those surely would have made a loud noise if bothered.

But then... she heard something again.

A whispering...

"Fuck..."

She held her breath again, the fear slowly starting to creep in. Her chest hurt and she was stuck in scary limbo.

The whisper was faint.

"Fuck.. she looks just like you.."

Then there was a loud crash and she jumped back under the blankets in a split second. Something smashed against the wall next to her and the pieces whatever that was, were heavy and now raining down on her.

She screamed slightly and curled back into safety position.

Its real
Its real
Its real

Then she heard her parents wake up, running down the hall to come get her.

There was another loud crash, this time it sounded like glass and there was a lot of commotion. You can hear your parents right outside your door now and they opened it with such force it cracked the wall next to it.

"Katylin! Are you ok?! What's going on?"

The light flashed on and filled the room with its safety. She peaked from under the blankets, slightly sobbing and panting heavily.

" I.. I um I don't know..." she cried out shaking.

There was glass all over the floor, and her desk chair was smashed into large chunks and were tossed all over her bed.

"Why is there... glass everywhere?" Her father's voice was filled with uneasiness and a fear he was trying to hide.

Her mom ran to her, not caring that she was barefoot and that there was glass all over the floor. She held Kaitlyn in her arms, and Kaitlyn cried in fear, shaking and panting. Her chest was tight and heavy and nothing came out.

"Shhh... shh.. it ok sweetie.. tell mommy what happened.."

" I.. i.. i" she tried to choke out something, anything, to describe what the fuck just happened. " t-there was this.. this... thing.. in my room.. and I didn't see it and I thought it was another bad dream and I don't know what happened and I'm scared... I'm scared"

She threw up word vomit as she cuddled into her mom.

"A thing? Like? A person? Jake go check the front door and call the police"

Kaitlyn cried and cried... and the night lasted forever...

....

The next day she was still uneasy. She didn't get back to sleep that night, and neither did her parents.

It happened around 3 am, her dad left for work at 6, and her mom stayed behind and took a half day to make sure she was ok and that she didn't have to ride her bike to school.

School was maybe a block or two from her house, and she's been riding her bike there ever since freshman year. But today, she was scared and paranoid. She didn't want to go to school, she didn't want to go back to her room, she didn't want to be at home, and she didn't want to go out.

"Um... mom... do you think I can stay at grandma's for a while...?" She asked, finally figuring out the perfect solution. It was far enough to get away from whatever the fuck that was, and they had a huge dog who would definitely discourage anything from coming in.

Her mom signed and shook her head.

"I know you're scared but you have school and midterms coming up soon, you really shouldn't be missing anything.. besides, we already called the police, and the repair man on the way to fix the window, and put on brand new locks, we will even put a lock on your window and all the windows in the house. How about that? you're gonna be fine sweetie, I'll drive you to class and pick you up straight afterward."

"I mean... ok... I'm just scared..."

" I know, and your father and I are already looking into moving... it is ok, I promise"

She felt a sick feeling in her stomach.
"I don't wanna switch schools..."

She signed... and held her head in her hands.
She started to feel panic again and she thought back to last night. Jesus Christ.... why her?

"Why me?" She asked exhausted. "What did I do?"

"Nothing sweetheart... these things happen, you know, I think this town has been unsafe for a while... I'm just glad you didn't get hurt if you got hurt, I'd never forgive me..."

"I am too... maybe I should stay at grandma for a while, nothing happens in that town, and Grandpa has a gun," Katylin asked again hopefully. She really didn't want to spend the night here... she was not sure if she could..

"Well..." her mom thought about it for a minute. "Maybe that's a good idea until we can get everything fixed, I can drive you there after school and you can spend the weekend there, it should be done by Monday, grandpa can drive you into town for school."

She breathed out a sigh of relief and went upstairs to pack an overnight bag. Thank god. Thank fucking god....

Everything was all cleaned up at this point. They swept the glass and picked up what was left of the chair hours ago, after the police left and she calmed down a bit. Her window was broken... but the police never found any fingerprints on any of the doors or the window. She wondered if whatever that was climbed through the window, but the police were saying door. She knew though if someone or even if the wind blew through her door... the necklaces would have made noise...

Nothing sat right with her... this was just so... weird. Everything felt just so weird.

She got into her mom's old Honda Civic and threw her bag in the back. Her mom got in next to her and they were off to school.

She was so tired... but too nervous to even consider sleeping. She sipped on her coffee and just tried to focus on what she had today.

She arrived at school and greeted her friends.
She was quite the social butterfly. She was involved in a few school clubs. She was Vice President of the art club, and some of her paintings hung in a few classrooms.

She was a stagehand when it came to theater, and she liked to paint and design the sets.

She was everything that you hoped she would be.

"Are you staying after class to help out Mrs. C with the stage design?" Her best friend Sam asked. "Because if you are, I i think ill stay too then we can get Starbucks after if that's ok with your mom"

"Oh... shit I forgot about that... fuck, I'm going to have to tell her I can't come... and I'm going to have to send out a text to the art club that I can't make it for lunch, something super stressful happened last night and I'm not feeling it"

"What happened?" Sam asked concerned. "Were your parents fighting?"

"No, just like, I don't even know to be honest"

"How don't you know?"

"Can we just not talk about it now? It was stressful and im tired and I just don't wanna get into it" Kaitlyn said more annoyed than she meant to be. Man, she was so tired, that she needed another coffee or Red Bull or something.

"I didn't mean to upset you..."

"No, you didn't, I'm sorry im just tired..."

The bell rang signaling for the first period and they walked to class together. Sam was katlyins best friend and she has been since katiyn moved here a few years ago.

"You seem upset, do you wanna talk about it?" Sam asked concerned

"I need a cigarette honestly" Kaitlyn sighed out "I mean like I know I quit, but man I really need one"

"Its that bad?"

"Yeah, kinda"

"On a scale of how bad"

"Well I have to get the locks changed on my door and my window fixed"

"What? Why?"

Kaitlyn sighed and her eyes filled up with tears. She was so fucking tired, and frustrated.

"I think someone broke into my house last night.. and you know I get nightmares and I thought it was a nightmare but like, it felt so real and it was real... they broke my desk chair and... I just.. I just don't know what they wanted, I couldn't even see whoever it was, and like... I'm just so stressed and I want a cigarette" she cried out, fully accepting the fact that she was going to cry. "And like, now I have to stay at my grandparent's house and like... like..."

She sobbed out, not knowing what to do or what to say, she knew she sounded crazy but it was the truth. The truth can't be crazy...

"Woah, someone actually broke into your house?! Are you ok? Did they hurt you? Did they steal any-"

"I told you I don't wanna talk about it!" Kaitlyn yelled out, her voice cracking. "I'm sorry, I just, can I hit your juul?"

"Yeah sure, it's okay kate, you don't have to apologize"

They walked to the bathroom together and locked themselves in the big stall. Class had already started, and they were probably gonna be late. Sam took her Juul out of her bra and handed it to Kaitlyn. She puffed on it stressfully, deeply, feeling the vapor in her lungs, she felt the weight immediately drop off of her shoulders and she finally relaxed a bit, feeling the nicotine rush in her veins, quickly going to her brain, getting a strong nicotine high. She felt dizzy but she felt comfort in that. She puffed and puffed, 4 or 5 hits.

"Hey I don't mind you smoking but you should slow down a bit, you haven't had nicotine in months and that's a strong pod-"

Before she could finish that thought, she felt an overwhelming urge of nausea, and her head started to pound.

"Oh god" Kaitlyn rushed to the toilet, got on her knees, tied her hair back, and vomited. She didn't eat anything all day, she was too nervous, so she threw up coffee, water, and medication.

During her vomiting spell, an aid came in, looking for ditching students

"Come on ladies class started 15 minutes ago, and you can't stay in here, let's go"

Kaitlyn vomited again, coughing and choking.

"Jesus are you ok?" The aid asked, less angry and more concerned.

"She fine" Sam tried to cover for her, stuffing her Juul back in her bra.

"She doesn't sound like it, come on, if you're sick you gotta go home, I'll take you to the office"

"No!" Kaitlyn screamed in a panic state which scared Sam and the aid. "No I mean I'm fine, I just took my vitamins on an empty stomach, I'm ok im not sick"

She wiped her mouth and swished some water around, spitting it out and flushing the toilet. She unlocked the stall, and she and Sam walked out.

"Have you been crying?" The aid asked concerned

"No just vomiting" Kaitlyn breathed out. "I'm fine, I gotta get to class, come on sam let go"

They walked passed the aid and out of the bathroom.

"Are you sure you're going to be ok?" Sam asked even more concerned.

"I think so... I i think ill be fine," Kaitlyn said just defeated, she was so tired, and things were just gonna get more exhausting from here.

"Alright well I'll see you at lunch" Sam hugged her

"Yeah alright" She hugged her back, and then they parted ways.

....

The day went on slowly, her fear and anxiety never truly left, but it's easy to distract yourself when you have a pile of work to do.

She was smart, she was in all AP places. She did well in those classes too, she had all As and the occasional B. She knew better than anyone that the key to forgetting something is to throw yourself into your work.

And thats what she did.

Classes went by, and she kept her mask on tightly. Everyone needed to know that she was ok, everyone needed to know that she was fine, nothing was bothering her, she was the same old, same old, nothing changed.

But that fear and anxiety dug a hole in her stomach and made her feel gross. She was irritable, snapping at a few classmates before immediately apologizing, man, the end of the day couldn't come fast enough.

Soon it was lunch, and she sat outside one of the classrooms, as her friends gathered around her. She had a lot of them, but they never really knew her, the real her, the her that Sam knew. She was fine with that, she was strangely... used to keeping people at arm's length. She didn't know why, her parents weren't like that, they were very loving and communicative. It's just something she did instantly.

"Hey what happened to the art club? Sam told me there's no meeting today? Are you ok?" Lindsay, one of her at-distance friends, asked her.

"Yeah I just started today on a bad note and didn't want to drag down artclub so I decided to cancel, we'll have a makeup meeting on Thursday I'm just... tired."

"Are you ok though? None of those words make it sound like you're ok" Lindsay pressed on

"I'm fine, just don't feel well"

"Well whats wrong? Does your stomach hurt?"

"No it's just" Kaitlyn held her hand to her chest and rubbed it slightly "My chest hurts"

"Oh no!" Lindsay said concerned "You should go to the DR, it could be something serious"

"Yeah?" She breathed out "I think I'll be fine, I just need a day to decompress"

"Well that's fine, we can just relax," Lindsay said sitting down next to her. "So like, not to change the subject but I honestly think that Amy just has it out for me and I'm getting sick of her-"

"Hey do you have your pen on you?" Kaitlyn interrupted not caring what Linsey had to say.

"Like a writing pen or my weed pen?"

"Uh... weed pen?" She asked, "Why would I want your writing pen?"

"Jesus I don't know, but of course I do, why?"

"Can I hit it?"

"I don't think that's a good idea, 're at school, and like, you never smoke, what happened to 'I don't want to make it a habit'?"

"It's not a habit if I don't smoke often"

"I still don't think it a good idea... especially with your chest pain, you know it actually raises your blood pressure and-"

"Is it a yes or no?"

"Well, I mean you can if you want but honestly it's just not-"

"I dont care"

"Well, ok, let's go to the bathroom."

She and Lindsay made their way to the bathroom and collected in the big stall. It was empty in the bathroom but it wouldn't have mattered if it wasn't.

Linsey took out her pen from her backpack and expertly snuck it into her time-of-the-month bag, no male principal, teacher, or aid would be looking in there.

"Push the triangle button and start small, you're not a smoker, it's gonna hit you hard"

"Alright" Kaitlyn put the pen up to her lips and pushed the button inhaling the hot vapor into her lungs, holding it, breathing it out slowly, and coughing like all fuck after all of it evacuated her lungs. "Jesus Christ"

"See? I told you" Lindsay took the pen back and smoked it herself "Well I told myself I would start waiting until after school but if you're getting high ill get high"

Kaitlyn motioned for the pen and Lindsay gave it to her, blowing out the smoke like an expert. She took two more hits before it all hit her, her head buzzed and her face felt weird. She started to get this weird feeling in her stomach, she knew this feeling would pass, it's just what you feel when you get high after a long time, it's guilt, anxiety, and weightlessness. It eventually faded and she just felt high. Her mood changed, and her anxiety slowly melted as they walked out of the bathroom.

They met back at their meeting spot. Where Sam and Sergio were sitting.

"Hey? Where were you? Are you feeling ok?" Sam asked concerned.

Kaitlyn couldn't concentrate, she just felt giggly and just better, she felt better which was weird, weed usually made her paranoid and weird.

"Kaitlyn?" Sergio asked.

"Yeah I'm fine, I was just stressed earlier but now I feel better." She giggled out, man, why didn't she do this more often?

"Are you... high...?" Sam asked in a tone mixed with worry and a little bit of anger.

"A little" Kaitlyn and Lindsay giggled together, linsy digging out a bag of chips from her bag and giving them to Kaitlyn.

"And why...? Why did you do that? You don't smoke?" Sergio asked with a weird look on his face.

Kaitlyn shrugged

"Why does anyone do anything?"

"Alright well, come to the bathroom with me, I need to pee" Sam grabbed Kaitlyn's hand and dragged her back to the bathroom, not going in any stalls, just standing by the sinks. "Is this about what happened this morning? I don't think weed is going to make this better Kate you know that"

Sam took her Juul out of her bra and puffed on it. She gave it to Kaitlyn and Kaitlyn puffed on it too, not going overboard like she did last time.

"I know I just needed something..." Kaitlyn admitted. She never wanted to confront her feelings about constantly wanting to numb herself. She felt it for a long time, even before she knew what drugs and alcohol were.

"Well... just don't make it a habit ok? And don't get high at school you're bad at hiding it" Sam blew out the smoke in her lungs.

"Alright, I won't" Kaitlyn smiled, physically not being able to stop, man, this felt great.

"Eat something, I know you've been skipping meals"

Kaitlyn sighed. Yeah, she knew it was getting obvious again.

Kaitlyn tried really hard to ignore all those feelings. The ones who told her to drink. The ones to told her to get high. The one who told her that hunger feels good. Kaitlyn did all the things that you did, she just did it in a relatively healthy way.

Sure, she had problems, who doesn't? But she didn't know why she had these problems and where they were coming from. She had a good life, she had loving parents, she had friends and good grades... but there was just something. A nagging feeling in her stomach that she just... shouldn't exist. That she was a blight and burden. She tried so hard to run away from these feelings but... what happened last night just shook her. It cracked through the facade she was trying so desperately to obtain.

She tried too hard... but she never felt normal. She never felt like a real person... she just felt like a mismatched copy of other people, mashed together to form someone who looked like a person, acted like a person, but just wasn't a person and she had no idea why.

"I don't... know why I feel this way..." she admitted, now feeling a familiar feeling of anxiety. She had to figure it out, she had to solve this problem, she was good at solving problems so her not being able to solve this one really hurt and baffled her

"You're high, that's what you're feeling"

"No... that's not what I'm talking about... I just feel so... so... empty" she signed out. "You wanna know how I know it was a real person and not a dream? Because whoever broke in, said something to me"

"What...?" Sam looked at her confused "What did they say..?"

"They said I looked just like her" Kaitlyn laughed a bitter laugh.

"Who?"

"I don't know... I have no idea!" she pressed her back against the wall. "I just... don't really think I'm me... I think... I've been playing a character... I don't think I'm a real person..."

"Kaitlyn... you're scaring me..." Sam breathed out, stressfully puffing on her Juul. "I think you... should stop smoking.. I think it's the weed talking."

"No... I feel this when I'm sober too... it's just... harder to feel... I'm good at hiding it" She started to feel hot tears press the back of her eyes. "I.. don't... I don't think... I don't know what to do... I just want to feel human..."

Kaitlyn started sobbing.

"I just want to feel like everyone else... I want to be sure and I want to be whole. I am so scared of who I am... of what I'm trying to hide... I'm scared of who I look like... because what if that person is a monster? What if I'm the offspring of a monster and that's why I'm not human... what if nothing I ever do helps me be human? what if I'm not a person?!" Kaitlyn cried out, holding her head in her hands, sobbing into her fingers.

"Hey... hey don't cry..." Sam sat next to her and held her in her arms. "You're a person, you're my favorite person, you're not a monster... you're a sweet and loving person.. and people care about you, I care about you."

Kaitlyn sobbed and sobbed, she probably thought she sobbed herself sober.

"Im just so fucking tired... I'm tired of nightmares... I'm tired of sleeping pills... I'm tired of feeling like... I just need to be numb... I'm tired of feeling like this... I don't wanna feel like this, why do I feel like this?! I have a great life! I have good parents! Why am I so unhappy?!" Kaitlyn yelled out exhausted.

Some poor freshman walked into the crying mess, saw what was going on, and closed the door quickly, pretending they didn't see what they just saw.

"God how fucking embarrassing..." Kaitlyn sniffled. "I hate crying in front of people"

Sam laughed slightly and just held on to Kaitlyn.

"You're kinda insane..." Sam laughed slightly, cleaning up Kaitlyn's mess of tears. "But that doesn't mean you're crazy... it be ok Kaitlyn... you'll be alright"

"Yeah?" Kaitlyn sniffled

"Yeah."

....

School was long that day, but it eventually ended, her mom came to pick her up and drop her off at her grandparents.

She was sober now, sober and feeling a lot better than she was earlier. She sighed. She was exhausted. She was finally feeling the weight of sleeplessness hit her, and she was ready to take a nap.

She wasn't ready for the night though. She wasn't ready to sleep. First, she would have another cup of coffee, do some homework, and study a bit for finals.

Her grandmother made her her favorite dinner, and she went out for a sunset walk to get the mail down the road a bit. With her big dog close to her, ready to attack whoever wasn't supposed to be there.

As she walked back to the house... the dog growled a bit. Her stomach dropped, and she quickly power-walked back home. It was probably nothing but knowing the shit that just went down, it could be something. She made it home unscathed and took a shower, taking her meds and sleeping pills.

Today was Friday, she wouldn't have to wake up early tomorrow. She doubled up on her sleeping pills, it was safe, and shes taken way more than this. She was seasoned in the world of legally prescribed pharmaceuticals, she knew what she was doing. This way, she would have a long peaceful sleep, nothing would wake her, and no dreams or nightmares, at least for the next 10 hours.

She swallowed her concoction of pills and made a place for the big dog, affectionately named "big dog", to sleep by her bed. She curled up in bed, charging her phone, and plugging in her fairy lights. The cooler version on a night light and she definitely wasn't sleeping without it tonight.

Around 30 minutes later, she started to feel sleepy. She fought it like she usually did, but eventually the pills won, and she drifted off to a hopefully dreamless, peaceful, uninterrupted sleep.

But... she's your daughter, after all, you can probably guess what happens.

(HOLD YOUR BREATH THIS CHAPTER WILL INCLUDE A PART TWO MF)

Chapter 15: The Conclusion Part One

(Howdy y'all sorry for ghosting you for like three years, I've been writing a lot, and I'm almost done with the second part of the conclusion... so enjoy...) (it's weird I started writing this as a sophomore in high school and now I'm literally graduating college in two months.... thanks for growing up with me in a way, writing was there for me during some... interesting and emotional times, it really gave me a positive outlet to express all those emotions, thanks for being there and thanks for giving me inspiration to turn pain into art, i hope you'll like the second part of the conclusion :) -pastel)

He tried to watch her sleep. It was the only way he could check in on her, and not scare her in the process. The dog made it hard though, every time he crept up to the window, the dog would raise his head, stare right at him, and growl. The dog wasn't scared of him, a pleasant change. He didn't care about getting mauled, but he knew his boundaries.

She looked just like you man, the eyes, the mouth, the nose, just everything. You would have loved to see it, she truly was a gorgeous girl. So he would just watch her, she was the closest he could get to you. He didn't mind if it was behind glass, he felt like he was with you again, and that's all that really mattered to him.

He missed you so much, every day. It had been what, 17? 18 years? He lost count after ten. When he found her, finally, after years and years of searching, it was like looking into the past. He saw so much of you... in her... but none of the bad parts. She wasn't into drugs, well, at least not the illegal kind. She wasn't mean to anyone, she wasn't angry at the world. She was smart, she was kind and ambitious. She was what you could have been, with the proper support system, and with proper treatment for your mental illness.

He didn't know all of her though, nurture can only do so much when it comes to raising a child. He didn't know she smoked the same brand of cigarettes as you, camel sliver menthols. He didn't know about the urges she had, to hurt herself and others. She and him were more alike than he was led on to believe.

So he watched her sleep. She was knocked out pretty hard. He smiled
A real smile
She even slept the same as you, same position, same number of pillows with the blanket just like you liked it.
So he just stayed there and watched her until sunlight began to filter into the room. That was his sign to leave.

....

It seemed that her weekend went by pretty quickly... she didn't remember much of it. Not uncommon. It seemed like she lived life on autopilot during the weekends, just going through the motions until she got back into class and had to be on.

She got up from her pill-induced sleep at around noon, she had a really bad sleep hangover and it took her a while to feel normal again. No one ever really talks about how good that feeling could be sometimes, but how terrible it is to do anything about it. She learned the hard way only to double up on no-school nights.

She was a very responsible girl, before she did anything, she had to get all of her homework done, if not, she would worry about it the whole time. She could just never let things like that go, she just couldn't relax. Her parents started to notice when she was younger, she had this... perfectionism complex and while she was in therapy for it for a short while, not much changed, she just got better at hiding it.

Afterwards she went and got dressed, making sure to look pretty, but not suspiciously pretty. She kinda had something important and the key ingredient to doing it successfully was to not raise any suspicions. So when she finally got a text message that he was down the road, her heart leapt with anxiety and excitement.

"Hey I'm going to take the dog on a walk" she yelled latching the leash on Dog.

"Alright, don't go too far" her grandma yelled back.

She grabbed the dog and closed the door behind her, walking down her driveway and turning left onto the road. She walked for 10 maybe 15 minutes before she saw a blue truck pulled off on the side of the dirt road. She waved to the truck and walked over, taking the ever-growing suspicious dog with her, who thoroughly sniffed out the car.

"Hey Nathan, how are you?" Kaitlyn asked smiling at him.

Nathan was Lindsay's older brother, who graduated maybe a year ago. The school burnout, who started smoking when he was eleven, and was still going strong at the age of 19.

"I'm good, thanks" he smiled at Kaitlyn. "Do you want to come in? You can bring the dog"

"No its alright, I got to get back anyway," she said digging in her pockets, Nathan kinda creeped her out, like most older people who sell weed to teenagers, she was always sure that if she really wanted to... she probably wouldn't have to pay with money. "20 bucks right?"

"Yeah" Nathan was now digging around his inside console, a little visibly disappointed by the refusal.

He picked up a medication bottle, stripped of any label, and tossed the bright orange tube towards her.

"I threw in a lil extra for you" Nathan smiled a bit. She smiled, knowing that's what they all say, but it does make you feel a little bit special when they do. She handed him the 20 and waved him off. She got a good distance before he sped off, kicking up dirt behind him.

She opened the bottle and inhaled the sweet, skunky earthy aroma. Man, nothing smells sweeter than a fresh batch of weed. Filled with a new excitement, she hurried to bring dog back home, so she could do what she had been wanting to do all day.

Whenever she felt stressed, whenever she felt uneasy or abnormal or just got this feeling of being unsafe that she couldn't even begin to describe the weed was there for her. She knew she could take it too far and too fast, and the prescription meds were keeping her pretty regulated anyway but everyone needs to take the edge off.

And I think you know that more than anyone really.

When she got back to her grandparent's house her parents were there, and she packed up her things for the return home, still uneasy yet ready to deal with it.

"We got the window fixed, and all the locks changed, installed a heavy-duty lock on your window too, no one's getting in there," her dad said, proud of his prompt reaction of dealing with the threat to his family. She smiled at him from the passenger seat. "So there's nothing to worry about"

"I'm not worried" She smiled again, lying a bit.

She was worried just the smallest amount, but not for her personal safety, but for her parents. She had time to think this weekend, and she came to the conclusion that it must be her. It was her who brought this upon herself, it was all the bad things she's done, the cigarettes, the weed, the prescription pills she knows she abuses, the urges, the thoughts, her abnormality of it all. The world knew, and they were coming.

But that's ridiculous, and very obviously irrational thoughts, but to her, they were as real as print on a page.

So that night, when she got home, she put her stuff away, ate dinner, showered, did her skincare routine, placed her outfit for school next to her bed for the following day, and right as her parents went to sleep, she snuck into the backyard.

With her medicine bottle, a makeshift pipe, she broke her real one a while ago, and a lighter she got from her grandparents, she crouched in the back, towards the fence, under a bush, where she was hidden from the world.

As she smoked, and felt the anxiety melt from her shoulders, falling down her back, she exhaled, coughing, breaking the moment a bit. After she was done coughing up a lung, she sat in the sounds of the night, crickets mostly with the occasional owl.

As she was smoking again, it seemed that the crickets stopped. She didn't notice at first, but then she heard something crinkle the leaves. Before she knew it, she felt the same way she did that night, when the window exploded. As she exhaled, she could swear she started to smell the same scent.

She started to feel cold, not like a normal "I'm stoned cold," it was a "this isn't right" cold. Her heart started to race and instinctually, she held her breath. There was another crunch, a more deliberate-sounding crunch.

Someone was definitely there.

She quickly packed all of her things, breaking out of the freeze part in "fight, flight or freeze," getting ready to start flight. She knew she had a really good chance of making it to the porch where she could at least scream bloody murder if anything happened.

There was another crunch, and it sounded like the person was done being sneaky, they knew she knew, and she knew they knew. Without even thinking she just bolted. She didn't look, she didn't want to, she just ran and ran. When she made it back to the porch she threw the door open, not caring if she woke up her parents and she would be caught. Being in trouble is better than being kidnapped.

You know for your kid, she had a hell of a lot more self-preservation skills than you did.

She ran inside and quickly, forcefully shut the door behind her, locking and dead-bolting it. She stood with her back pressed against the door, away from the windows, flattening herself against it. She could hear her heart in her ears and could feel the unevenness. She was panting hard, like she couldn't breathe, all the oxygen in the world couldn't be enough. As the adrenaline started to flow freely she felt her body shake in the way it does right before something bad is about to happen, or right when it ends. She slowly began to slide down the door, sitting crisscross on the floor in front of it, grabbing her chest and panting.

"Jesus Christ..." she thought. "How stupid"

As she gathered herself a bit, wondering if she overreacted or not, weed does sometimes make her paranoid, she swore, she could hear the footsteps again, but this time on the porch.

Tap
Tap
Tap

She could hear it, plain as day, no paranoia involved at all. someone was outside, and they were right behind this relatively thin piece of wood.

She swore to god as her heart jumped right into her throat and jumped up and darted into the kitchen. Where she fumbled around, making all sorts of noise, looking for a knife.

Right as she got it, the hallway lights turned on.

"Kaitlyn?" Her mother's voice sounded tired "Are you up? What's wrong?"

"Yeah it's me" she sighed "I had a nightmare"

"Oh honey again?" Her mother sounded tired, sad, and empathic. "I'm sorry sweetie, do you need any help? Wanna sleep in the living room?"

"No I'll be alright," she said resigning herself to a sleepless night. "I'm going back to bed"

Taking her knife, and turning every single light on in the house as she went, she made her way back to her room and double-checked the locks. She popped a few sleeping pills in her mouth and chewed them so they would hit her faster. She went into her closet where she kept her emergency vodka, and chugged a few burning gulps, chasing it with water. She gagged a bit, but everything was down, and she crawled into bed.

She shoved her headphones in her ears, and shut her eyes, pulling the blanket over her head, forming a comforting cocoon.

Don't think about it
Don't think about it
Don't think about it

Played over and over in her head, until the pills and vodka did their magic, and she drifted off into a heavy, dreamless, and incoherent sleep.

...

The next day the alarm screamed at her, knocked her clear out of a medicated state, leaving her drowsy and slightly hungover. This was actually her third alarm and the only reason she woke up, was because the three went off in increments of two minutes, leaving her trapped with the noise and having to forcefully wake up.

She sat up, her head felt like concrete, and she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. It kept coming back though, and it felt like she was stuck in a puddle of thick syrup.

She sat up for a while, looking at her phone, waiting for the rest of her brain to wake up, it was normal for her. This is how she woke up, every single day, but it seemed like the alcohol did make it a bit worse.

She was finally able to get out of bed and walk to the kitchen, feeling like she was fighting against a river current, but she made it eventually. She poured her coffee and continued up the impossible feeling journey to the bathroom to get ready for school. She washed her face, the water waking her up a bit, brushed her teeth, and headed back to her room to get dressed.

She walked to the bus stop, stopping a little bit away from home to stop and light up a cigarette for the rest of her walk. You would smile, she looked just like you when you were a high schooler. There's something about nicotine and the lasting effects of sleep medication, it just really wakes you up, better than caffeine.

Right as she got to the stop, she stomped out her cigarette and just waited. She sighed, not really ready for the day, needing another cigarette right as the bus pulled up.

What unfortunate timing.

...

Sometimes she thought about you, I mean, she knew, she had always known. Her parents never hid the fact she was adopted. the truth would have come out right when she gained consciousness anyway, she looked nothing like them, but they were her parents and she loved them as such.

But you always wonder, don't you? You wonder what could have been. She didn't even know your name, she had absolutely no pictures, only a fake name that the hospital figured out quickly once you burst out of their doors like a bat out of hell.

She looked like a person who she didn't even know the name of and there's a certain kind of pain and grief that comes with that. Sometimes when she was sitting in class, thoughts bouncing off those walls littered with educational posters, as the teacher spoke about the exact same thing on page 138, she wondered what your favorite subject was.

Was it math? Maybe, she was ok with math but she didn't like the repetitiveness of it.
History? She liked history, but she wasn't super into it.
Chemistry? Yuck, biology? She loved biology, but she thought that most people did as well as compared to chemistry.
Art? She was pretty involved in art and art club, but she always attributed that to her dad and her drawing together as kids.

English...? Well, that certainly was your favorite subject when you didn't bother to care about anything at all. She loved English too, and when she was younger, she used to write about finding you.

Now this wasn't about a lack of love from her parents she had now, she loved them, they were her *parents* yet, she wanted to know you, she wanted to meet the person staring back at her in the mirror.

So she wrote stories about finding out you were a movie star.. at the start of your career when you became pregnant and had to make a choice, your dream or the baby. How you promised yourself you would come in contact with your baby as soon as you made it big, yet the adoption agency lost the paperwork work in a fire, but at a chance meet and greet you see her. You instantly lock eyes and you both just know.

Or, about how you were a spy who got pregnant during the most important and dangerous mission of your life. Not wanting you or your daughter to be on the run or being caught up in this high-stress life, you gave her up and would find her when she was 18, to see if she would want to join the family trade.

Or, her favorite story, that you were a princess in some faraway land, and that you paid these people to raise her, so she wouldn't grow up spoiled and understand the working class needs. That one day you would come for her, your now beautiful queen dress and crown, welcoming her to her new kingdom and life.

But in reality she knew you were a normal person, most likely, in a bad situation, who just couldn't take care of a baby. She didn't blame you, and she understood, but it didn't take away from the pain of not knowing you. Somedays it felt like she would never know you, or where she came from, it would forever feel like she was a patch of cloth ripped from one blanket and sown to the other. She loved her parents, and she was beyond appreciative for everything they gave her, but it was the not knowing that started to nag. Especially after all of these feelings started bubbling out, and it felt like she wanted to rip off her own skin.

Her parents were normal people, they didn't deserve to have this mess that they thought was a normal baby when they first got it, or this is what she told herself.

And this is what she thought about, over and over and over. She felt like she was wearing out her welcome with her own family, that the only people who would understand, were the people who created her. So she wanted to find them, but, there was nothing.

You never even signed her birth certificate.

No address, no picture, no name, nothing, you were a ghost to her. She wasn't a ghost to you though, and you would have been so happy to see her, the beautiful thing you have created from the ugliness of your life with Jeff. You just wish you could have stayed longer with her, maybe at least to her fifth birthday, so you could really see the creepy similarities between you two.

You should be proud of yourself, you know, it wasn't easy making the decision you did, and you know she understands why you did it.

Because when she does think of you, without the rose-colored memories of childhood and wishful thinking of who you could have been, she knows who you really were

A scared person, in a bad situation, who decided that the situation ended with you, you would not bring her into it, and that makes her smile because thats when she feels a mother's love. So when she's bored in class, especially on an emotionally charged day like today, she thinks of you and wonders if she was in your position what she would have done.

....

It had been a few weeks, and Jeff hadn't been back to her house yet. He didn't know why he cared, or why he couldn't just get up off his lazy ass and go, but he just couldn't. Every time he turned onto her street, he felt this weird feeling.

This... painful? Feeling. It started at the bottom of his stomach, it felt sorta like a burning, like when you drink too much too fast, but it builds, and builds. It coats his stomach and feels white hot, then cold, then hot, and then his heart starts beating like it does when you hit a particularly fat line. Then the slight shakes, like what he remembers nervousness to feel like.

Nervous?
Him?
No.
Not him.

But then why hasn't he gone back?

"Shes scared of me"

That was one of the last memories he has with you. You told him that she wasn't scared, but that was a lie wasn't it? She was scared of him.

How can someone who looks like you, talks like you, acts like you, be scared of him? You weren't like the rest, sure, you got scared of him sometimes but his overall presence didn't bring utter terror. He didn't like this, it made him feel another weird feeling.... just an overall sense of bad. Like, he felt bad... at... himself? Like he was the cause of his negative emotions? Weird feeling, one he hadn't felt in a while.

Then it was the passage of time. Seeing her was a reminder of how long you had been gone. It feels and seems like, to him, that whole day was yesterday. He can remember how cold your skin felt, and the mixture between blue, purple and red the color of your lips were when he found you. Seeing her reminded him of when you, and him, were young. How it felt like you both you, in your fucked up way, just clicked together and how you guys just always would, forever. Well, until you decided to check out early.

Man, that brought on a feeling that Jeff has been trying to escape for years, decades even pain. He never felt a greater pain, than when he first saw her, after all of those years. It sorta felt like he got you back, just for a moment. The first thing he thought when he saw her was "Man, it's a good thing she looks like you" Because thats the only way someone like him, could create something as beautiful as her.

He smiled when he thought of her, and he thought to himself how you would have loved her. Then for like a split second, how grateful he was that you took her when you did. You were right, she was a good, quiet baby, and the people who did get her were very lucky.

Even if Kaitlyn didn't think so.

For a long time, he tried not to think about you. The shock, he thinks, only really wore off a few years ago. He threw himself into all the old things you guys would do together, drugs, drinking himself oblivion, waking up with blood all over him, covered in whoever or whatever happened last night. Then when that didn't work he ran, he moved from town to town, far away from the town you guys last shared together. Everything and everyone reminded him of you, he couldn't run. Soon, he found that nothing worked, no distraction, nothing, and it was like you had died all over again.

There was nothing to spare him from the full weight of grief that he had been hiding from, and so he fell, deeply and almost permanently into what can only be called depression, not doing much but throwing on your favorite TV shows, and pretending you were still there.

Until he saw her, and it was really only by chance.

After another night of drinking himself into another blackout, Jeff woke up in a ditch in some sort of residential neighborhood. It was the early hours of the morning, and this hangover was the worst he felt in weeks, his scars were hurting and everything seemed particularly horrible this morning.

Then he heard walking, and the flick of a lighter. He sat up a bit, looking out of the ditch but still staying hidden. He could smell the tobacco and suddenly she was there, a perfect image of you, younger you, walking towards the bus stop, smoking and flicking her ashes like she didn't care who saw. His heart stopped just for a second, and tears involuntarily fell down his face. Jeff didn't cry, he never cried, but it was like his body betrayed him, and the feeling of relief and joy was too much to bear. It pushed him to get up, and his bones cracked under the weight of himself, the decay he'd done to his body, and the pain of drinking 5 bottles of vodka within a 12-hour period.

She couldn't hear him, she had her headphones in, something her parents nagged her not to do.

"What if someone is behind you? What if they try to hurt you? You can't prepare yourself or hear it coming!"

In this town though? No, nothing like that would happen. The worst thing that could happen to a girl was getting felt up and coerced into into sleeping with the town dealers.

He just watched her, trailing behind, hiding himself within the trees. It felt weird, stalking without a purpose, without the gratification of knowing that his next "hit" his next victim was only a few minutes away from fulfilling his violent needs. He followed her for many 5 minutes? 10? It felt like forever. The sun was getting brighter and brighter, and the light burned his eyes. Soon though, she stopped at a sign, leaning up against it, and taking out another cigarette.

She placed it to her lips, and she took out her lighter, flicking it and burning the end of the cigarette. Inhaling and exhaling, as she scrolled on her phone, absorbed in her own world. He didn't like seeing her chain smoke, it made him feel... well... he didn't know, he just didn't like it. Then he realized, he didn't want her smoking at all.

That sudden realization made him want to jump out from his hiding spot, walk up to her, and slap that cigarette right out of her hand. How dare she ruin the lungs that you have her? And that was a weird thought. Why did he care? Why was he feeling this way? He, in reality, didn't even know her. Yet, with every puff, this feeling grew and grew, until he couldn't bear it anymore.

"Oh shit!" She mumbled, probably louder than she anticipated, probably due to the music blasting in her ears. She stomped out her cigarette, right before the bus pulled up, popping a mint in her mouth while the door opened on its squeaking hinges.

He just watched her go... too frozen to move. Man... he has thought of this day so many times... he's dreamed of it, tried desperately to find it... but he just stumbled upon it... and now he didn't know what to do.

So he didn't do anything... naturally...
....

All he did was sleep, drink, sometimes eat... and watch her sleep occasionally. He seemed happy like that... he didn't mind that he had to be with her from afar... as long that he could keep an eye on her. It didn't feel... necessarily deserved... he knew... somewhere deep and painfully... that her "new" parents were doing a good job at watching over her and that he was the disruption in her life. He didn't like to think about it though, so every time the thought came back up, he just started drinking again.

He felt... almost stupid... for the way he reacted that night. It had been a few weeks now... and he still felt.. well sorta weird. He didn't mean to say anything, it wasn't the first time he watched her... and he didn't know why he couldn't control his emotions. Maybe it's because she woke up... usually when he watched her, she was out cold. He actually tried to wake her once... and he couldn't. She wouldn't even budge. If he didn't see her breathing, then he would have thought she was dead.

So why did she wake up that night? And why was it that night, out of all the nights, was the one he completely lost it. Maybe because it was the anniversary of when he lost you... he thought maybe being with someone who was half you would help him feel... like not downing a whole bottle of downers and mixing it with a full gallon of vodka. It didn't help though, if anything he just managed to scare her and sent her into a downward spiral. Typical, she didn't even know him and he basically already started ruining her life.

He wondered... if he could get to know her, and how good of an idea that was. Maybe, he could have a partner in crime again, and he wouldn't be alone. Jeff hated being alone... he needed a warm body to be there with him. Throughout the years you were gone, he tried to replace you. He wasn't able to find a... willing participant, to find someone who wasn't scared of him, or the darkness. He wasn't young like he used to be, those years spent alone stripped him of his humanity and his charismaticness.

A few years into your death... he had kidnapped some girl he found walking home after sneaking out from a party. He looked like you, vaguely, but with stupid bleached hair. He held onto her for a few years, but she ultimately didn't cut it. He drank a lot during that time, she either ran away or he finished her off, he didn't remember. Oh well, nothing ever came of it. He must have finished her off. He rinsed a repeat two or three more times. Never felt the same but was a good way to kill a year or two of time.

But he eventually grew tired of it... and he stopped. He just went to drinking and drugging, and killing full-time, and the lifestyle eventually caught up with him. His body grew tired... hangovers lasted so much longer... and he had a harder and harder time getting up each day. His scars started hurting again... and he noticed that they would cycle through getting infected and healing. He was just... so tired, tired of running and tired of fighting... tired of traveling... just tired. He was slowing down... and he figured it would get worse and worse. But that's when he saw her... and it invigorated him.

He had a new reason to keep going... He didn't really know what that reason was... he didn't want to take her... he didn't want to rip her from her home... and her friends, he knew that wasn't a way to win her love or affections. He didn't want her to end up like him... or you... which is weird because he didn't see any problem with his lifestyle... but he wanted better for her.

He just... wanted to talk to her... to show her that he was there... he didn't know why, but he just wanted to know her. Maybe to test and she how different she was from you, he didn't know.

He was so mad at you for leaving... making him face this on his own. He needed you to talk to her... to tell her that he wasn't a bad guy... when she was a baby... you were able to convince her... how dare you leave him? You promised to be with him forever... and you just lied. You just left... leaving him alone... leaving her alone... how could you have done this to them?

Maybe that's why he broke down that night, and he couldn't control his emotions. Maybe that's why she woke up... because she was dreaming of you. Again... he didn't know... and he drank away any logical solution. He was tired of running... and he was tired of being... scared? Something needed to change... the shoe needed to drop.

(Check out some of my other stories! I updated them as well! One for the first time in 6 years! Stay tuned for the finale which should drop in the next few weeks!)

Chapter 16: The Conclusion Part Two

(And with that ladies and gentlemen, i bid you all a fair well... thank you for growing up with me. If any of you feel the way the character I constructed in the story felt... reach out, get some help. Getting help changed my life, and my only regret is that I didn't seek it sooner, don't let your sadness become an obsession. I hope you enjoyed this nearly 10 year story run, I definitely enjoyed writing it. I wish you all well, thank you for encouraging me, and helping me express some dark emotions. Forever and always -pastel)

"Hey, are you going to Yvette's party tonight?" Sam whispered asked, as their teacher took role.

Ah shit.... the party... the end of the year "I don't give a fuck party".... she had forgotten all about it. She didn't know if she should go... but she felt the pull to go... she didn't know why.

"Uh... maybe?" She replied, not really sure. She wanted to go... of course she did, but with her bad luck, it was fifty-fifty.

"Come on please!" Sam whispered yelled at her. "You're going to be my wingman! Jimmy's going to be there and I want a date to senior prom!"

Kaitlyn sighed... and dropped her head, focusing on her math worksheet. God... should she go...? What if something weird happened.... what if she acted weird....

"Come on..." Sam whined, "I helped you get your date!"

"Fine...!" Kaitlyn groaned, "I'll ask my mom"

She didn't really need to, her mom would have definitely said yes. Kaitlyn was a good girl, she had a well-established trust with her family.

"Yes!" Sam squealed excitedly, and the teacher shushed her. Sam cut a mean pair of eyes to her... how dare she interrupt this incredibly important conversation?

"No talking..." the teacher, said sternly but was obviously disinterested.

Kaitlyn sighed again and texted her mom for permission.

"We can get ready at my house, have your mom drop you off around four and I can drive us"

"Well" Kaitlyn pondered... "at least at a party there will be alcohol and weed"

She could use a good drink.... after the course of the last few weeks... she needed one... and her stash was running pretty low.
She thought of Yvette, and how it would be nice to finally go to one of her famous parties.

Yvette was a girl who was friends with everyone, the entire school was invited, she liked Yvette, she was a nice girl, and her parents always allowed her to throw parties when they went on one of their many, many vacations.

She sorta wished like she was Yvette, Yvette was pretty... and popular... and just so normal. Man... how she strived for normalcy... it started to weigh on her... more and more... just how strange she was.. how fucked up she was.

First, it was the nightmares... she hadn't had a normal dream that she could remember probably since she was 10. The nightmare went one of two ways... either someone chasing her.. or she was chasing them. Then when someone caught or, when she caught someone... she would always wake up before the dream finished. It drove her crazy... she used to stay up for two, three days at a time until her body couldn't anymore and she would pass out, into the nightmare land. She had been taking sedatives and sleeping pills since she was 12, with no end in sight.

Second, the pills. She had been on a cocktail of antipsychotics, antidepressants, and anti anxiety medications since she was 14. They couldn't really nail down an illness since she was too young, but all the typical contenders were out there... possible BPD... manic depression... OCD... psychotic depression... a mixture of one or two or all of the above she didn't know, and neither did any of the professionals, they just knew the pills worked.

Third, now it seems... she had something following her, something that woke her up in the middle of the night, trashed her room... and almost captured her.

Girls like Yvette didn't have these problems... girls like Yvette were just living life in peace...

Ugh... she tried not to think about it. She thought about the future... soon she would be going to college... and she wondered how she would survive. Sure, she would take her pills and throw herself into her studies but she wondered... would she also be like this as an adult?

Would she wake up, from a sleepless night of nightmares... pour her coffee... put on her adult clothes... her work shirt, and skirt, and some sensible shoes... and then go to her job... where she will sit at her desk... typing some type of report... while her mind screamed terrible things at her.

She wondered if she was stuck like his permanently... or if it was something she would grow out of... because she was ready to grow out of it... she thought maybe she should try therapy again... and be honest this time, and maybe, that, some medication, and a change of environment would be the way of escaping of what felt like the inevitable...

But she shouldn't think of it now... she had a party to go to... where she could let go a bit... drink... smoke some weed... maybe do other stuff... she just wanted to be numb. Like she was when her sleeping pills were kicking in... like she was when she mixed them with alcohol...

And she went through her day like that, excited for the release that would be coming later.

...

School was almost over, and she packed up her bag, mentally running through her closet at home, wondering what she would wear. She wasn't really interested in capturing attention, she did already have a date for the prom. She didn't really care about him, I mean, she liked him, he was cute and a nice guy... but she just didn't... like him? She guessed, she didn't know, she didn't like anyone. I mean, she loved her friends and her family... but romantically... she was just never interested.

She also wondered if that was just a problem because she was from a small town... or if that was permanent to... she dated, dating people was normal... but she never really cared that much about the person she was in a relationship with. She had a first kiss, and that was fun, and that guy was nice but eh. But she knew, her friends cared about that stuff, so naturally, she should too.

She often felt like she was playing a character. That she just copied what others did, to seem like she was one of them, she could be in on the joke, she could read in between the lines. She did what others did because she had no idea what to do on her own. She hoped that would change with college too, maybe she could find out what she wanted to do... not just follow everyone around her.

She wished she could form into someone like Yvette, or into someone like Sam, or Lindsey, someone who seemed like they knew what sorta person they were. But she had to stay Kaitlyn... so Kaitlyn had to shift and form into others... for her to be a person as well.

So she mentally scanned through her closet and tried to think of something that would make her look good, but not stand out too much, so she could support sam while slipping into the background with a bottle of Pink Whitney.

She walked to the bus with Sam, and Sam verbally explained what she was going to wear, what kind of makeup, what she was going to drink, and her strategies for securing a date.

"I want a prom proposal, you know" she laughed.

She didn't know... but she knew that Sam wanted one, and so Kaitlyn figured that she should want one too.

Soon Sam hopped off the bus, and Kaitlyn was left with her thoughts again. She had gotten permission from her mom earlier for the party, she wished her mom would have said no... but she knew deep down they were actually happy she was going to a high school party.

She smiled to herself, every time she did one of these... typical high school milestones... she just felt so proud.

And I swear... you would have loved to see it. Kaitlyn was the complete opposite to you in high school... and you knew she had her pick of colleges... and you would have loved her emotional maturity, you knew she had a chance to get out, a chance to be happily normal. When you were that age... you just.. never saw a way to be better.. or a way to change... you were scared of it.. you were scared of giving up those negative but comfortable emotions. When you're angry at life or sad for yourself every day... it's scary to be happy because you knew that it could all be taken away, so it felt safe to just stay angry and sad.

Kaitlyn was proof you didn't have to live that way... and man... I don't really know if you could have handled that. Yes, she did have her problems and you empathized with that... but she desired to be different, to be better... although she wondered a lot... and it scared her, but somehow she just knew that her problems were not permanent... and you could just... never really seem to find the way out... you could have just never gotten it through your skull.

Kaitlyn climbed off the bus and walked to her front door. It was summer now... and it didn't start getting darker until later. She went into her room and started getting ready for the party, her mom brought her up a sandwich since she would be skipping dinner.

"Here you go sweet pea" her mom, chimed opening her door without knocking. "Now I just wanted to talk to you"

"Mom..." she groaned "nothing's going to happen..."

"Now I know teenagers... I was a teenager once a million years ago" her mom laughed at her own joke.

"Mom..."

"And I know you're going to drink.... and maybe smoke and I just want you to know-"

"Mom!" Kaitlyn cried out suddenly incredibly embarrassed... god no wonder she didn't know how to act like an actual human being.

"You call us if you need a ride home, I don't care how drunk you are... if you're vomiting everywhere or if your friends are drunk, you call me, and ill come get you"

"Alright mom"

"And you won't be in trouble..." her mom thought "Well... that day you won't"

"I got it, if I'm drunk and vomiting I'll call you and get my punishment in two business days," she said sarcastically.

"I mean it," she said sternly, with a mixture of worry and humor.

"I'll call you if I have an issue" Kaitlyn smiled a bit. "I ready to go"

....

Kaitlyn got dropped off at sams house around 4, like she asked, with her real outfit, makeup, and supplies in her backpack.

Sam was driving, her parents weren't off work until like 9.

You guys poured yourself mixed drinks, a mixture of sunny D they had in the fridge and cheap vodka that tasted more like nail polish remover. You guys both drank.

"Hey aren't you driving?" She asked making a disgusting face at the awful drink.

"Nah"

"What do you mean nah?"

"I'm not driving, Lindsey's brothers taking us," sam said nonchalantly.

"What?" Kaitlyn asked confused "Then who is taking us home?"

"Hopefully Jimmy, i don't know, if worse comes to worst Lindsey's brother." She replied in the same tone, drinking more. "I wanna drink, and I don't wanna drive" She shrugged her shoulders.

Kaitlyn, despite being almost 18 by now... didn't drive, it scared her... she figured she would learn before college anyway.

"And you know, you're asking a lot of questions for someone without a license" Sam laughed a bit, making fun of her.

"Whatever..." Kaitlyn asked finishing her drink. "Do you want another?"

Four or five drinks later, Kaitlyn was in her real outfit, something much skimpier than the one she left the house in, with a heavier makeup look. Sam looked pretty similar, naturally, Kaitlyn copied her fashion meticulously. She was feeling pretty buzzed at this point, it was going to be a good night.

Lindsey's brother, Nathan, pulled up in Sams's driveway, and Lindsey waved excitedly. Kaitlyn and Sam hopped in, Sam up front and Kaitlyn in the back.

"Hey guys, looking hot tonight" Nathan laughed, pulling the car out of parking and into drive.

"Ewww don't be gross Nathan" Lindsey smacked him from the back seat.

Kaitlyn and Sam laughed genuinely, although Lindsey's brother was probably attracted to both of them, she found it pretty funny. Being attracted to people was... weird but something she wanted to experience.

Nathan drove them to the town liquor store, where he knew and sold weed to the worker, so he looked the other way on a few bottles of the same vodka, as their entry ticket in.

They went into the party, bearing their gifts, and fully welcomed with open arms. The alcohol was starting to run out. Man... how great it felt to be accepted... she loved it.. maybe she should go to a few more of these parties.

And the party was fun! They drank, and listened to music, talked shit... smoked weed... soon it was dark, and they were all crowded around the fire pit outside. She was talking to this cute boy, probably from another school, who was not her date, but she and her date weren't really together... so she thought it didn't really matter. She was pretty drunk at this point, but still pretty strong and confident in her senses.

"Look what I have!" The boy slurred at her excitedly. He produced two small blue square-shaped pills, in a small baggie, from his pocket. "They're triple stacked, I got like 20 of them today, I've been wanting to try them out!"

"What are they?" Kaitlyn slurred back, taking the pills from him and examining them.

"It's molly" the boy said sorta confused "You know like ecstasy?"

"Oooooooh...." she slurred out again. "Oh cool, I've always wanted to try these"

No she didn't. She didn't even think of drugs like that, it was always an impulsive thing... unless it was drinking or smoking... then those were thought-out adventures. But she knew other teens were into trying new drugs, so she decided maybe she should be into it as well.

"Oh yeah? We can take some now!" The boy said excitedly, opening the baggie, and breaking up one of the pills. "It's your first time? Take a quarter"

He placed the piece of pill in her hand, and she quickly swallowed it, it tasted bad, like gross tongue-numbing chemicals. The boy laughed and took a piece after her.

"It should take like an hour to kick in"

....

Weren't you on ecstasy... the night you met Jeff? My oh my... how history repeats itself...

"Wow... Kaitlyn... your eyes" Sam said, in a calming manner... laughing a bit, yeah she was trashed. "They're huge!"

"I...." Kaitlyn mumbled "You're so pretty Sam"

Kaitlyn looked at her, filled with love, happiness, and bliss. Sam laughed and spilled her drink a bit.

"Oh my god you're rolling balls!" Sam yelled out laughing, "You're so cute Kaitlyn, are you having fun?"

Kaitlyn nodded and hugged Sam, in a tight and loving embrace. This wasn't like Kaitlyn, she didn't like hugs and she didn't like people touching her. It felt too close, it felt too weirdly intimate...

"Woah..." Sam slurred. "You are rolling hard"

"I love you Sam" Kaitlyn mumbled laughing. "You make me so happy"

Sam laughed again and drank some more.

"Man I should have taken some molly too" Sam hugged Kaitlyn "I'm happy you're having a good time, do you feel happy?" Sam asked egging her on.

Sam knew what Kaitlyn's deal sorta was... she knew about the pills and her mental hangups... but she also knew that Kaitlyn was a sweet girl, and was a good friend, and that Kaitlyn needed a friend. Sam was more than happy to fit the role for her. Sam did love Kaitlyn, but she never really knew if Kaitlyn could see that. She also didn't know the last time Kaitlyn was truly happy... she could see through the facade that Kaitlyn put up... and Sam secretly hope that her friendship was a positive in Kaitlyn's life. It seemed that now... Kaitlyns emotional barriers were down... that she did see Sam's efforts... and she appreciated them.

"I... so happy... I feel so happy..." Kaitlyn mumbled out, continuing to hug Sam. "This is the happiest I've ever felt in my life..."

Sam laughed and squeezed Kaitlyn.

"There's so much more to life..." Kaitlyn mumbled again. "Then what I thought there was"

Sam busted out laughing... oh Jesus Christ... Kaitlyn was not a subtle roller.. or drug user in general.

"Ugh..." Kaitlyn spit out, "Oh I don't feel good anymore..."

"Alright let's get you outside" Sam quickly broke the hug and grabbed Kaitlyn's hand... pulling her out the front door, and into the bushes outside... just in time.

Kaitlyn bent over the bushes and vomited harshly, gagging and spitting.

"Ugh..." Sam mumbled feeling sick herself. "I going to get you some water and a towel..."

She turned and went back inside. Kaitlyn vomited again and spit all of the gross flavor out of her mouth. She panted a bit... and sucked in a deep breath. Ah... all better now. She looked around a bit confused.... where did Sam go?

Wow.... the night was so pretty. Kaitlyn looked at all the stars in the sky... and she saw them so clearly... like she'd never seen them before. She looked at the trees... and the street lights... made them shine and sway in the soft wind...

Wow.... this looked amazing... it was the best thing she had ever seen... wow...

Something shifted off in the distance... she could hear it... but her eyes were... slow... it seemed like they moved slowly yet fast at the same time.

"Hello...?" She asked, swearing she saw something within the bushes from across the street. The bushes shook a bit... and she saw some... white? Shapes shifting around.
"Why are you in the bushes...?"

"Kaitlyn?" Sam asked opening the door again, "Who are you talking to?" She asked looking around, then looking back at her.

"Theres someone in the bushes...?" Kaitlyn mumbled pointing.

"No there's not..." Sam laughed again, handing Kaitlyn the water, and she drank it. It was the best-tasting water in the world. "I think I got us a ride with Jimmy, we will wait until you come down a bit and well head home" Kaitlyn could tell she was proud of herself, for achieving her goal.

Kaitlyn nodded and resumed hugging Sam looking off into the bushes...

....

It was around 2 am now... and Kaitlyn was considerably more sober so they decided to head out. She felt tired and sorta out of it, and just ready for sleep, she didn't even need to take a sleeping pill. Jimmy dropped her off at her house, with Sam in tow.

"Bye Kaitlyn!" Sam yelled at her and she made her way to her porch steps. Kaitlyn waved at her exhausted, as they sped off.

"Hey sweetie how was the party?" Her mom asked, looking at her make her way from the doors to the stairs.

"Oh it was you know" Kaitlyn mumbled out, not making eye contact.

"Did you drink?" She asked changing her tone.

"No... not really maybe one beer" Kaitlyn lied.

"Did Sam have anything to drink?"

"No..." she mumbled back again.

"Ok goodnight sweetie" she replied turning her attention back to her TV.

"Goodnight" she mumbled back, making it to her room, closing and locking the door.

She stripped down, and put on some comfortable clothes, not bothering to brush her teeth or take off her makeup. Tonight was really fun... and sorta eye-opening. She felt like... maybe things were turning up for her... and with that.. she closed her eyes, and for the first time, she didn't have nightmares.

...

A few hours later... she woke up again, nothing too out of the normal... she didn't take her sleeping pills, so of course she woke up. She sat up on her bed... and suddenly it was really stuffy in her room... she just... had to get out... and she needed a cigarette.

She grabbed her smoking supplies, and slowly opened her door. She slowly crept, down the stairs, and opened the front door, sitting down on the porch, and getting a cigarette out.

She lit it, and slowly pulled the smoke into her lungs, and the weight of the world fell from her shoulders. She saw something fidgeting in the bushes... but she wasn't scared anymore. Maybe she was still high... but she was curious more than anything... this... thing, whatever it was... had been following her for weeks now... and she was past the point of being scared if it wanted to hurt her... it would have by now. Just as she was thinking that... she smelled that smell again... the same one she smelled that night.

"Hey..." she called out quietly, not to wake her parents. "You were at the party."

The thing in the bushes froze, and there was a smell in her room... and she recognized that instantly... Kaitlyn cocked her head in curiosity.

"You've been following me for a while now..." she continued talking, "do I know you?"

This shocked Jeff. This shocked Jeff immensely... she wasn't scared of him... she was talking to him... what was she doing? He dropped his shoulders and stood up, in full view of her.

Kaitlyn jumped a bit... at the.. man? Creature in front of her... Jesus Christ what the fuck was that...? It looked like a human... with a rat nest of black hair... and really pale... almost bleached skin... its eyes were bugged and looked hallow... it looked like this thing cried blood... it had two gashes on its face... that looked like a smile...

She wasn't scared she was just... confused...

"What the..." she mumbled to herself again... "what are you...?"

"You're not sleeping" Jeff replied bluntly... just staring at her.

"Yeah...?" She asked puzzled, puffing away. "Do I know you...?"

Jeff shook his head... and just continued staring.

"You're not scared of me...?" He asked astonished, not really caring who saw him or heard him.

"Well..." Kaitlyn grew increasingly more scared but mostly more confused. "I guess not..."

She swallowed the smoke and asked again.

"Do I know you...?"

"Do you have another cigarette?" He asked not answering.

"Yeah, do you want one?"

Jeff nodded, exiting the bushes, and now walking towards her on the porch. She took one out, and leaned over, to give him one. He put one foot on the step, and took it, grabbing his lighter and lighting it, sitting down on the step.

"You shouldn't be smoking" he mumbled, now smoking himself. "It's bad for you."

"Uh... ok...?" Kaitlyn mumbled... smoking anyway.

"You shouldn't be doing drugs either, with the pills you're on you're going to fuck up your brain" he mumbled again, blowing out the smoke.

"I'm sorry, but I don't-"

"Oh you're sorry... yeah... I bet you are..." He mumbled getting a little more angry. "Your mother would be pissed."

"My mother...?" Kaitlyn turned to the front door and looked up to the window where her parent's bedroom would be. "You know my mom?"

Jeff looked towards the door.

"Oh that bitch? No, I don't know her, I'm talking about your real mom."

"My who?" She asked confused. Jeff sighed.

"Never mind." He sighed and continued smoking, "just saying you're making a mistake with those drugs and all..."

"I mean..."

"You seem like a smart girl... you shouldn't be bothering with that" he puffed again, almost finishing his cigarette. "Do you got another?"

"Uh... yeah..." Kaitlyn took at her pack, and he snatched it away from her "Hey!"

"No smoking." He mumbled out, digging out another cigarette. "Look, you're not going to believe me, but I really don't have much time, and you're going to have to hear me out."

Jeff didn't plan this... he never really... planned on talking to her, but he was out in the open now... and he had to attempt to get out what he wanted to say, what he felt like he needed to say... what should have been important, in a short period of time.

But what do you say... when it's been 17 years...? And with a million other circumstances plaguing this conversation.

"Well... ok..." she said concerned and sorta paralyzed.

"You've been acting out, and you gotta knock it off," jeff said matter-of-factly, lighting up another cigarette. "This isn't you, and you know it."

Kaitlyn laughed a bit... she didn't even know who she was... now this random stranger does?

"It's not funny, you think I don't know you, but I do, and your mother did not do what she did, for you to be some crazy emotional mess like her"

"Excuse me?" Kaitlyn asked sort of offended.

You would have laughed, well, he seemed to have summed you up quite well.

"Don't interrupt me" he looked at her, and she shrunk back into her chair. "She would have wanted me to tell you this, she's not here to do it."

That broke Kaitlyn's heart a bit... she knew that her mom... could have been dead... but she hoped it was more of a worst-case scenario. But in comparison to everything she just packed that heartbreak away.

"Those feelings that you feel...? You know the ones I'm talking about..." he smiled a bit, "the reason for those nightmares, the reason why you have that bottle of cheap vodka in your closet? Yeah, those ones?"

"I'm following..." she mumbled not defending herself, sorta hoping for the answer to... all of these feelings would be in the yammerings of this weird man.

"You gotta knock it off with those, tell your parents, get some help, it's just going to get worse, nip it in the bud" he coughed a bit and cleared his throat. "You know I knew you when you were a baby"

This shocked Kaitlyn, she was adopted when she was 2... she never knew anyone who knew her as a baby.

"Yeah?" She asked hopeful.

"Oh calm down, it was like for five minutes." He went back to smoking, "Anyway, i knew your mom and dad, and they wanted me to find you and tell you that"

God... where was this conversation going? Jeff had no idea, this was the least threatening conversation he had in weeks. and he was still making it cold and harsh... god damn it... Kaitlyn sat up fully, her heart absolutely pounding.

"You did?!" She asked a little more louder than she was supposed to, she was just so excited.

"Shut up" he barked at her, and she slumped back a bit. "You're making this hard"

This broke Jeff.... god... she was like you so much that it hurt him... maybe... if he could tell her the truth... then she... well.. he didn't know... just go back to being the quiet and nice little baby she was when you knew her. He sighed, and took the flask out of his jacket, untwisting it, and drinking.

"You're just like her you know..." he smiled and that excited Kaitlyn. "She would want you... to know that."

He could feel tears come to his eyes, fuck, he had to make this quick.

"I loved... your mother..." he admitted... god... did he love you, he was tired of pretending he didn't. "But... she didn't want you to be like her... and all of this behavior you exhibiting... is hers..."

Kaitlyn felt like crying... she always felt so disconnected to her mother... and now... she just... she didn't know... maybe felt validated...?

"And do you know where that got her?" Jeff was crying now... he didn't care that Kaitlyn was watching... he took something else out of his jacket, a 17-year-old news article.

"Missing teen l/n f/n was found 6 years later, dead from an apparent overdose, concerning suicide letter found with her, which lead to the discovery of 10 additional missing women..."

Kaitlyn didn't want to read more.

"You can keep that, I don't want it anymore" Jeff sighed out again, drinking some more. "Whenever you feel any of those emotions, I want you to read that, that's your future if you give into them"

He groaned, and stood back up, his bones creaking and popping under him. He looked at Kaitlyn and sighed.

"It wasn't all bad..." he admitted, tears falling down his cheeks and into his cuts. "We had a lot of fun together... but it wasn't good for her... it wasn't good for either of us..."

Kaitlyn started to tear up... and she scooted up in her chair.

"God did we have fun..." he mumbled a bit... sucking in air. "And God... do I miss her every day..."

Tears fell down Kaitlyn's cheeks, and she sniffed and tried to wipe them.

"But where did that get us...?" He wasn't talking to Kaitlyn anymore... it was more like he was asking for himself. He coughed some more, and some blood came out in a mixture of saliva and snot.

Jesus Christ... where was he even going with this? He completely botched this... he should have practiced this by himself.

"Can you tell me about her?" Kaitlyn asked, crying as well now, "please?"

Jeff looked down, he didn't want to remember you... or think of how you were... but it hurt him to see Kaitlyn cry... and he wanted to give her some closure.

"It was my fault" he admitted, looking at her now, fumbling around looking for the rest of Kaitlyn's cigarettes. He lit another one and took another drink. "She was your age maybe... I don't know... it was a long time ago"

He cleared his throat.

"And you know... you're like her in some ways... and in others you're not... it's like you got all of her good attributes, it's weird." He looked through Kaitlyn, he just had to get the words out.

"Yeah?" Kaitlyn smiled.

Jeff smiled at her, a genuine smile... man... it was like an uncanny valley.

"Yeah well... anyway... to make a long story short... sometimes... people just bring out the worst in each other... but she wasn't bad... she was never... a bad person" Jeff really didn't know what she wanted or needed to hear. "She liked TV... god did she like TV, she was one of those people who could watch the same show a 100 times and never get tired of it"

Kaitlyn smiled and laughed a bit through her tears.

"God I don't know... what do you want to know?" He resigned, not wanting to say the wrong thing.

"Why did she give me up? Why didn't my dad take me?" Kaitlyn asked innocently.

Man... did that hurt Jeff. You had taken Kaitlyn, or when you knew her, Mia or just baby... when Jeff had left. He left often, leaving you in the safe house alone. You had been fighting, as you know... and it was a life-or-death situation, Kaitlyn had been cold... and she hadn't been crying.

"Well... if she didn't... you wouldn't have all of this" he gestured broadly to her.

She looked around, at her safe and peaceful suburban house... where her two loving parents were sleeping upstairs. She looked down, at her clean and warm clothes. She never wanted for anything here... and had a really good life.

"You want the story of when you were born?" He asked, knowing that soon the sun would come up, and their talk would come to an end. She nodded and he took another drink.

"Well, alright" he swallowed. "Your dad had left your mom in what we call... a 'safe house', they're house in the deep forest where people hide out"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Well, that dick left her there, 9 months pregnant, I think he was scared... he didn't want to bring in another person to their situation. He let fear control a lot of situations in their relationship."

He drank some more, needing the liquid courage to get through this.

"And I guess... while he was gone.. she had the baby, you. It didn't... feel right... a man like him shouldn't be raising a baby..." his shoulders slumped. "Your mom though... she was strong enough to raise a baby... and I knew she wanted to keep you... but... it's not like you were born in the most sanitary of circumstances... so you got sick."

He sighed out.

"And I didn't want her to get help... I thought... due to her... missing person status... she wouldn't come back. I would have let you die, Kaitlyn, that's how scared I was of your mom leaving me"

That made Kaitlyn feel sick... and sorta... unsafe... but she was still here... so you must have accomplished your goal.

"So your dad left again... and I thought she was going to stay put, I was ready to come home and find you dead, and honestly your mom dead too, I wasn't sure." He started smoking his cigarette again. "But I came back and you both were gone... I don't remember really after that, it was a long time ago, but a few days later, your mom came back without you... and that was that"

Kaitlyn started crying again, feeling a weird sense of abandonment... but she didn't know why... she knew that, whoever this was, was being serious... and that if she herself would have stayed with her... she would have been dead.

"You know I was the first person who held you?" He looked at her again, really looking at her. "You were so quiet... such a sweet baby..."

He had stopped crying now.

"And the best thing your mom ever did... was to give you away" he coughed again. "I'm sorry that you had to hear that kid. She never stopped loving you though, but I'm the one who did that to her, and I'm the reason she left you."

Kaitlyn couldn't stop crying... and she had a few more questions.

"Where is my dad then?" She asked through the tears.

"Who knows" Jeff shrugged his shoulders, "he wasn't a good guy, but... I know that he loved you too. He wouldn't want you to smoke."

That made her laugh a bit... god... were still on the smoking subject?

"So... you loved my mom... and she loved my dad...? And you?" Kaitlyn asked confused, not sure how to feel.

"You could say that" he sighed out.

"Are you...?" Kaitlyn asked, her eyes widening.

"What difference would it make if I said yes?" He asked, resigned and exhausted from this conversation.

Kaitlyn jumped up, running over to him and wrapping her arms around his slender frame, hugging him. God he smelled... Jesus Christ... she didn't know how you did it...

He tensed up and wanted to toss her away. It felt weird... she even hugged like you too. He... against his best judgment... hugged her back.

"I want you to be better, than me and your mom, and she wanted that for you... I just wanted to check up, and see how you were, i just wanted to say goodbye" he mumbled out, now letting her go.

She pulled away and wiped her tears. She nodded and looked at him and smiled. She could see what you saw in him, he was a... terrifying... sickening yet beautiful man.

"I have to go now..." he looked down at her, quickly yet tightly hugging her again.

"Well... thanks for that, I guess" she smiled at him. "You take care."

He pulled away and kissed her on the forehead. Turning away from her, and walking out her front yard.

"Remember what I told you..." he yelled at her slightly. "And no smoking!"

....

A few months had passed since that night, and she was going to graduate high school and be headed off to college soon.

With her grades and extracurricular activities, she got a full-ride scholarship to her first-choice school, a few states away. She was nervous but incredibly excited to leave, she was excited to see what the world had out there, and what her life had in store.

After that night, she googled you and fell down the rabbit hole. She found your old Facebook account which had been memorialized, she wondered if she should have reached out to your parents, but she didn't know... so she figured with time, she would have the answer. She looked through every single picture of you... and the resemblance was really uncanny.

It felt weird that she was graduating high school, and you never did. You stayed frozen, immortalized in that... seemingly outdated account. She wondered her whole life... who you were... and she had it. Well, at least a little piece of it... she preferred not really knowing the rest.

She found some dark things in the search for that Facebook account. Unbeknownst to you, Jeff had taken some photos of you, in various states of undressed and sobriety, and sent them to your friends, making some incoherent messaged saying you weren't coming home, and to stop looking. Kaitlyn thought it was incredibly... eerie... knowing the context of some of it. I guess to the outside it looked like you had run away, but I guess who knows now.

You never considered yourself a captive, you always thought you were there so willingly. It was weird to imagine what you could have come home to. Interesting... that Kaitlyn was free from it... some of it made her feel a weird survivor's guilt.

In those weeks she spent googling, she found out so many heartbreaking details. Some people had written about it, mostly stories from friends and family after they found your body, it was... unfortunate that they found so many... after you... and Kaitlyn wondered why... you were connected to so many bodies.

Were you a victim of an obvious serial killer? One that she supposedly talked to. She didn't get his name, it didn't seem... important in the moment... but she googled some characteristics... and that popped up.

Looking back, she guessed he did seem like one, but she didn't feel scared. She would have probably been scared if she was with someone, but alone she knew she was fine.

Were you... an accomplice...? She didn't want to think of that possibility... but it did eat away at her a little bit... it made her feel sick. In a strange way... the more she got to know you... the less she wanted to know, she rather have the stories she made up as a child be the person you were... she thought maybe... it would make her happier that way.

But it was an obsession for a while... and by a few months, she swore she read everything ever related to you. She was a smart girl, she knew how to stalk, so she was able to find old social media accounts from you... in a variety of different apps, from Instagram, to Facebook, to Twitter... she read everything, a lot of stuff related, and it was a mixture of a concerning validation... that other people felt the way she felt... but she recognized now.. it could be talked about and it could hopefully be changed.

She told her parents... about everything. Well, almost everything, she never ever, talked about that night again... she didn't need to.

She hadn't had a cigarette since that night, she quit cold turkey. She also didn't feel like having another drink.... she didn't feel like smoking weed. She started seeing a therapist, regularly once a week like clockwork still she wasn't completely honest... but she did say what was important.

Although... she felt... weird still... she now knew it was... a transitional feeling. Feelings were never permanent, they were all temporary... and that really helped her see the positive and the excitement in life. Still, she sometimes felt sad, usually when she thought of you... if you were just like her, then you must had felt similar things... and it made her sad that you never found the way out.

That you didn't have a chance like she did, how you never looked for one, or if you did, how you just never found it. But, she was happy at the same time, she knew you would be so proud of her... and how she felt your love during every big achievement.

How her sweet baby... who was so quiet, and never bothered anyone... grew into such a lovely girl, who may no longer have been quiet, but was still sweet and a kind person.

Even know she never talked about that night, she thought about that night a lot. She wondered what that man was doing, and if he was alright. He looked really run down and tried... maybe that was for the best, you never really thought that Jeff would live forever.

She would never know though, she didn't want to go out searching, and he knew better than to mettle.

She remembered reading the last article about you, a few days before graduation, and when she was done, the conversation with Jeff flashed into her mind.

"I want you to want to be better"

And she sighed and closed the computer.

She was going to be better, and she was going to live not just a normal life, but a happy life.

And she knew the signs now, thanks to reading your life story on the internet, to look out for the guys, that women like her, women like you, would fall for way too easily.

She would still talk about you in therapy, but sometimes you came up when she noticed a particular quark or feeling about herself... but that was it really. She kept you in that computer, and sometimes she thought of you during her big life events.

You would have loved to see her on her college graduation day... and at her wedding. Oh, she made such a beautiful bride, you would have been beside yourself. You would have loved to meet your grandchildren, and how they were a mix of you, and her, and her partner.

But most of all I think... you would have loved to see how she not only broke the the obsession but avoided it altogether. Out of all the ugliness, fear, pain, and heartbreak of you and Jeff's life, it did create one beautiful thing. Her, and even know you were gone now... you would have done it all again, just for her. She was the flowers that grew after a wildfire... and was the water after a deadly drought.

She was the beauty that grew from your obsession.

(Check out some of my other stories yeah? They're good as well :) goodbye everyone, ill remember you all in therapy!)