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It's been over a year since his Charlie passed away. Babe has been trying his best to live and go on with his life but there really is no way to move on. After all, it's only been 547 days, 13149 hours, 788940 minutes, and counting since he lost the light of his life.
He's got almost everyone constantly telling him to move on or to put himself out there and actually see someone but Babe honest to God cannot do it. He can't even fathom the thought of dating someone else. For Babe it would feel like an insult and betrayal of his feelings for Charlie. Not to mention the fact that it would be disrespectful for the person he would be dating because they would've only become a rebound.
And would you look at that, being with Charlie taught him some manners after all. Babe chuckled to himself and shook his head.
He grabbed the bouquet of flowers from the shop assistant and made his way out to his bike.
It was getting harder and harder to find traces of Charlie's scent on his belongings these days. Not that this new motorbike would have Charlie's scent infused in it but all the same, Babe didn't like that time was slowly erasing his beloveds smell from his surroundings. He had had to buy a different house entirely because he couldn't stand to stay in his home alone without Charlie.
The first few months after Charlie was gone were the worst. He couldn't cope with constantly seeing him everywhere without the actual person being there. Late at night not being able to sleep but seeing the ghost of him everywhere and in everything. Such a simple task as getting a glass of water to drink made him think of Charlie. It was a bittersweet sort of hell.
It was better now at least. He still had some bad days but he didn't feel as numb these days. Before it was like everything was gray and he honestly couldn't see how he could possibly go on living. But Alan, the man who was more of a father figure than both of his fathers combined, had seen him through those dark days.
Jeff being around had helped too. The boy had afterall lost his big brother as well. Babe had taken the younger boy under his wing and had promised to himself that he would look after Jeff in Charlie's stead. He had to. The two brothers had only had eacheother and now with Charlie gone, Jeff was on his own, discounting his relationship with Alan.
Babe sighed and started the bike after securing the flowers properly so they wouldn't blow away in the wind. He had a long drive ahead of him.
Today would have been his and Charlie's one year anniversary. It had been really hard to get out of bed this morning but he didn't want today of all days to be one of his bad days. It mustn't be. Not today.
* * *
Babe felt dread settle in the pit of his stomach as he neared the race track. He hadn't been back here since immediately following after Charlie's accident. He couldn't bear to. In the aftermath, he couldn't even bring himself to sit in a car, let alone go back to racing itself. Not after what had happened to Charlie. He had tried only once before to drive one of his cars and had nearly had another accident on his own from the panic attack that had set in only minutes into the drive. He'd sold his cars after that and bought more motorbikes instead.
Now he just hoped that they would still let him through even though he had quit racing for a while now.
Babe pulled the visor up on his helmet, and waved to the familiar security uncle in the booth by the gate.
"Ah khun Babe is that you?" The uncle asked and Babe let a small breath out in relief.
"It's me Phi, can I go in?" Please, please, please. Babe pleaded in his heart hopeful but also knowing that security had been tightened after all the accidents that the place experienced over a year ago and so they might refuse him entry. But he hoped as the longest reigning person to hold the 'King of The Hollows' champion title that they might give allowance. God did he hope that his fame would work in his favour this one time that he wanted it to.
The security uncle stared at him for a while and Babe didn't know what he saw in his eyes or the part of his face that could be seen but it must have been something noteworthy, because he was let through easily without even having to sign in as a visitor.
"Thank you, Phi." Babe wai'd truly grateful for this act of kindness and made his way through.
He pulled up to X Hunter garage and could immediately see Alan, Jeff and North waiting for him at the entrance. He could see the worry in Alan's eyes while Jeff in contrast still had his pokerface but the fact that he was here with Alan showed his worry in itself.
"Babe, is everything okay?" Alan asked before he even parked fully. Babe turned off the bike and disembarked.
"I'm fine, Lung." Babe replied as he pulled off his helmet and placed it on the seat of the bike. That was apparently all the signal North needed to attack him with a tight hug. He chuckled and pulled the younger man closer for a few seconds before letting go.
Though apparently that wasn't enough to assauge Alan's worries because the man stared at him, disbelief clear in his eyes. "You never come here anymore though." He could see Jeff nod a little to that too.
Babe hummed and looked around at the garage he called his second home once. Not a lot had changed but there were a few noticeable changes. Firstly, and most noticeably, the place smelled different. There were also a multide of new mechanics and Sonic's distinct absence by North's side could be felt from a mile away. The atmosphere in the garage was different too.
Babe didn't know if it was because he hadn't been here for a while but it didn't feel as it used to before. It wasn't home in the way it used to be while Charlie was still here.
Not that the garage wouldn't always be like a home to him but for a while 'home' had meant Charlie. Being with Charlie, being around Charlie, getting to go back home to Charlie after a hard day of practice knowing that Charlie would be waiting for him, with a bath already run and his favourite food cooked, just waiting for his arrival. 'Home' had meant Charlie coaxing him out of a jealous fit he had put himself into, 'home' was Charlie making sweet love to him just because and then cuddling after, 'home' was staying in on days where Babe didn't feel like dealing with people and he didn't have practice.
Charlie had been home. And now that home was gone forever. Babe has had to live with that knowledge since Charlie died.
"P'Babe?"
He felt a touch on his shoulder and came back to himself. It was Jeff's voice that had called him but it was Alan in his space looking at him worriedly.
"Babe..." Alan murmured softly, his hand moving to rest on the back of his neck and suddenly Babe felt like he could cry. His felt his eyes burn and knew that if he tried to speak right now his voice would only break and he'd start sobbing miserably, so he shook his head to indicate that it was okay.
He should have expected it really. Today would have been he and Charlie celebrating one year together but Charlie was not here with him. He was just feeling that more acutely today than usual, that was all.
Babe took a deep breath and tried to gain composure. He wouldn't break down in front of strangers because apart from Alan, Jeff and North, the rest of the people currently in the garage were essentially strangers.
Maybe he had been silent too long but suddenly Jeff's distinct scent was suddenly more potent, and before he knew it, Jeff was hugging him. He was shocked because it was a known fact that Jeff didn't like people touching him just like they knew to control their pheromons and keep it to themselves around Babe.
Babe felt himself instinctively relax into the hug, because this was his lover's little brother. Especially because Jeff was an omega his scent wasn't as cloying or annoying, added onto the fact that it was familiar because Charlie always had a hint of it infused and integrated with his being. Every time he'd get a whiff of it while he held Charlie close when they cuddled. And right now it was the only thing holding him from completely breaking down.
He could just stay here for a while, Babe thought while laying his head on Jeff's shoulder gently. He inhaled and held the breath in his lungs for a moment and breathed out. God but he missed Charlie so much.
Babe sighed and straightened, and found the garage pin drop silent. Everyone had paused what they were doing and were watching the four of them like they were performing at a circus or something.
Babe glared at them until they resumed their work.
He might not be THE Pit Babe anymore but he would always be Alan's Pit Babe and so the people at the garage would have to hold more respect for him whether they wanted to or not because Alan had no problem firing them at a moments notice. That was his Lung, overprective to a fault but Babe loved him for it. He couldn't have survived after he left Tony without him.
Babe cleared his throat and gazed at his family. "I'm okay guys, today is just a hard day is all." Three pairs of eyes all conveyed disbelief without having to utter a single word. "Really, I'm okay."
Maybe if he repeated it enough he would start to believe it too. Babe thought while he stared back at them. Silence was his only answer and Babe knew that was his queue to get on with the reason he was here.
Babe turned back to his bike and grabbed the flowers from the totebag he'd strapped to the handlebars.
"Help me get rid of this? Thanks." He said passing the bag over to North and turned to face his family fully. He could see that they were staring at the bouquet curiously but they didn't ask, likely knowing that it involved the reason he was so emotional today so it probably had to do with Charlie too and why he was here at the race track in the first place. "I'll see you guys later?"
They nodded and Babe was grateful that they didn't ask questions becuase he wouldn't know where to begin to answer them adequately. He maneuvered the bike to turn to leave and just as he made it out the door, Alan's voice followed him out, "if you don't make it back before we have to leave, we'll see you after the race tomorrow?!" That felt like a question but not at the same time.
"Okay!" Babe called back but he honestly didn't even know that there would be a race taking place tomorrow. No wonder Kim wasn't here today, probably resting up for the race tomorrow. After all, the new King of The Hollows has to be in tiptop shape for every race in order to keep his crown.
But he also said yes because it had been a while since he had seen everyone together and they had been so accommodating to his aversion in coming back here. The least he could do would be celebrating with them after Kim's win tomorrow.
It was already approaching evening so there wasn't anyone on the actual track at this time.
Babe slowly made his way to the spot he and Charlie had become official at. He appreciated how deserted the race track looked at the moment. It was quiet, no strange smells assaulting his senses and the stillness in the air. It was strangely fitting for the atmosphere to be as somber as he felt inside.
As he got to the spot, he stopped the bike and got off slowly, he didn't want to crash the flowers by mistake. He sat in the exact same spot as he remembered and placed the flowers in the place Charlie had been then. He pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around his knees, resting his chin on top of his arms.
"Hey puppy."
Silence.
Babe obviously knew that there wouldn't be an answer but still, that didn't stop his heart from breaking all over again. He could feel tears gather at the corner of his eyes, slipping down his cheeks without preamble and this time he didn't try to hold it in because there was no one here to see. Maybe Charlie's ghost if he was lucky.
"I know it's been a while since I've allowed myself to mourn you properly. But you would understand why I couldn't, right Charlie?"
Babe spoke and tried to imagine what Charlie would say to that. "You'd probably say something like 'P'Babe you shouldn't worry about something like that at all, Papa would never be angry at Mama for loving him that much' wouldn't you Charlie?" Babe could swear he hears an echo of Charlie's laugh in the wind as it rustles his hair. He let out a sound that he thought might be a laugh but it sounded hollow to his own ears. If only it could be him but that would be wishful thinking.
Babe turned his head so his cheek was resting on his arm fully and gazed at the white bouquet of various flowers he'd bought for this small remembrance date of sorts.
"Did you know that I finally turned my bio dad's shop into the waterfront cafe like you wanted? I didn't name it anything because you and I never got around to that so we're not that popular or known but it's okay, I like it better this way. We're not on social media so I don't have random fans coming here to disturb my peace."
"Also, I bought another house because the other one reminded me too much of you and I couldn't cope, so I hope you also forgive me for that. I just couldn't stay there anymore without you there. It was too hard and some days I couldn't get out of bed, some days I thought about ending it all because living without you here to share my life with me felt meaningless."
"Charlie..." Babe trailed off as his throat closed up. "It's been really, really hard for me to live on for the past year, do you know?"
He buried his face into his arms as a sob wrecked itself out of him. Because this time Charlie wasn't here with his broad shoulders for him to burrow his head into. Charlie wasn't here to stroke his hair or kiss his neck to comfort him.
Charlie wasn't here.
The thought solidified itself into his very being as sobs wracked his frame.
* * *
Babe didn't know how long he stayed there for but the sun had already set and at some point he had stopped crying, numbness settling into his bones, but with the wind gently flowing around him.
Babe gingerly picked himself up from the ground and gently collected the bouquet as well. He wouldn't leave it here because the grounds keepers would only throw it away whole doing pre-checks before the race tomorrow. He placed them in the bike's storage compartment before he got on the bike and started making his way to the exit. Everyone at the X Hunter had definitely left by now.
The same security guard uncle was still there and he opened the barrier even before he had even arrived, waving to him as he passed.
Babe called back a thanks and accelerated, turning towards his new house. It wasn't home yet and he honestly had no idea when or if it would ever be. The house, more of a mansion really, was by the waterfront as well. The sound of the waves made it seem less lonely at night. Another bonus was the strong smell of the sea was enough to overpower the scent of annoying pheromons a little. His senses were even more sensitive after they had returned with Charlie's passing, like they had been amplified while Charlie had them and they had come back nearly twice as strong, almost overpowering on some occasions. It was one of the reasons he'd been unable to cope with staying in his old home originally.
Charlie had been everywhere.
He rode through the empty winding roads, the tall trees his only companion. It was peaceful, especially after the emotional upheaval he'd gone through today. He didn't have any energy left to deal with anything else. He was completely drained.
As he rides on, in the distance he can see a silhouette in the middle of the road, and he can't tell immediately if it's a person or an animal, but the situation is dangerous for both parties all in all. He nears and can make out the distinct fram of a person, male to be more specific and he's about to cuss them out because what the fuck are they doing in the middle of the funking road! He doesn't have the energy to deal with this right now.
"Help me! Please help me!" The person screams, arms waving around himself and Babe nearly crashes his bike.
Because he knows that voice.
But he couldn't possibly be hearing that voice.
It wasn't possible at all.
Because that was Charlie's voice.
The exact timbre and intonation of words was almost exactly the same as Charlie's.
But that couldn't possibly be. Because Charlie was dead and so that couldn't be him. The notion itself was impossible to even fathom. Maybe Babe was hallucinating, it had afterall been a pretty emotional day and he'd not been sleeping well for a while now.
Yes, he was just tired.
He would ignore the voice and make his way home and everything would be alright then.
"Somebody please help me!"
Babe immediately parked his bike and turned to face the hallucination that sounded just like his Charlie. As he got closer, the hallucination even looked just like him, having the face moles in the same exact places as his Charlie. Babe took small steps closer and looked the the figure now crouched on the ground.
He couldn't blame his next actions on tiredness becuase who in their right mind would touch a figure that looked exactly like their dead boyfriend in the middle of nowhere at night.
Feeling warm flesh beneath his fingers was not what Babe expected to come into contact with. He expected his hand to go right through the hallucination that was apparently not a hallucination.
As that thought formed fully into his mind Babe stumbled back as if he'd been burned. His eyes widened in absolute shock and his chest heaved in the begins of a panic attack because this was absolutely fucking impossible. Charlie was dead.
Except this was not Charlie. The eyes were different.
This person had two different coloured eyes, in his left eye the iris was almost white in the moonlight. This person definitely wasn't Charlie, but he looked and sounded so much like him it was startling.
Babe felt like he was going crazy or maybe his mind had finally snapped from all the trauma he had experienced in his life. It would be par for the course at this point.
Babe stumbled back as the not-hallucination suddenly invaded his space and he was hit full on with a nearly identical scent to his puppy. The boy latched onto his arm as he scanned his surroundings and Babe couldn't stop himself if he tried from leaning forward and greedily inhaling the boys scent.
It was too similar it was almost scary and Babe should have got a whiff of it before he rode closer to the not-hallucination. It just didn't make sense.
He could smell a subtle difference though, this not-hallucination had a note of some type of flower. And the scent of it was almost equal in strength to Charlie's scent. Babe had never met someone that had two different scent tones that were equal in strength to each other, it was always one stronger than the other or most people only had only one scent tone.
Have two equal one like this not-hallucination was basically improbable.
What the fuck was going on? Babe didn't know exactly but he needed answers.
He grabbed the boys upper arms and turned him to face Babe fully. "What's your name?"
Babe realised that his tone was probably extremely rude but he could care less about that right now. He needed an explanation or else he was really going to lose his fucking mind.
"Thup, my name is Thup." The boy replied softly and Babe tried not to feel disappointed because it wasn't the name he wanted to hear coming from the boy's mouth and becuase the boy obviously didn't know who Babe was.
On the other hand, everything was so confusing right now and it had been an extremely long day. Babe was exhausted so for now this would have to be enough.
It had to be because absolutely nothing about this situation made any sense whatsoever.
Nothing at all.