my first and last

by milayalian

Summary:

Donghyuck didn't like the idea of swallowing his pride to ask for help, but his stubbornness could be a decisive factor. Even though he wanted to run away, he went to the Defense Against the Dark Arts tutoring and ask for help from the only person who could help him; his ex.

Notes:

• A translation of my first and last by yalimnalia (milayalian)

don't expect coherence from the wizarding world of hp, markhyuck is the focus here

Chapter 1: chapter one

Summary:

Donghyuck finally gives in and goes to DADA tutoring

There were few things that could throw Donghyuck off balance.

He was indeed a prodigy. Former captain of the Slytherin Quidditch team, basically a star in the Duelling Club, always finding time to help younger Slytherin students with Potions, lead the study group for History of Magic, and tutor his friends in Transfiguration. He was a good student in other subjects too, not always the best, but confident he would do well in all his N.E.W.T.s.

He excelled at everything, and when he wasn't naturally good, he studied to become so. Defence Against the Dark Arts had never been a problem; he was skilled in Charms and quick on his feet because of Quidditch, meaning he could handle Professor Potter's classes very well. However, there was one spell he couldn't cast with precision.

The fact that he was almost halfway through his seventh year and still couldn't conjure a proper corporeal Patronus was enough to make Donghyuck feel like he was failing at school.

And it wasn't for lack of trying. Donghyuck was dedicated, stubborn, obsessed with his grades, and had scoured the library for more detailed instructions on how to cast a Patronus. But no book had helped him get past the shield of silver mist.

It was indeed frustrating. He could do well in every other subject but couldn't summon even a shadow of his Patronus.

He had asked Professor Potter for help after one of their DADA classes, but the man had just smiled and told him to be patient.

“The Patronus Charm can be difficult even for the most talented of wizards. Don't be too hard on yourself, Mr Lee.”

Sweet words, but not helpful at all.

He even dared to ask Professor Malfoy, who smiled at him and inquired about the half-metre essay due the following week. Getting no answer, the Potions professor told him to focus on what really mattered.

Another useless piece of advice.

With no other options, Donghyuck gave in to his friends' suggestions.

And at four o'clock on a Tuesday afternoon, he stood in front of the DADA tutoring room.

The question was, if he was having such a hard time, why didn't he go straight to tutoring?

And there, standing in the middle of a crowd wearing ties from all four houses, was his answer: the student in charge of the tutoring. His dark hair was parted to the side, eliciting sighs from the younger students every time he ran his hand through it, pushing it back and charmingly smiling, even if he didn’t realise it, at whoever called his name. His large black eyes shone behind a clunky frame, similar to Professor Potter's, whenever someone finally managed to overcome what they had been struggling with. At that moment, he was smiling at a little girl who had just disarmed an older student, congratulating her.

Mark Lee was another prodigy and Professor Potter's favourite. A stunning Gryffindor bastard, too handsome for his own good, captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, Head Boy, and Lee Donghyuck's ex-boyfriend.

The humiliation of stepping into that room, knowing he would be depending on Mark for something he was desperate to achieve, was something Donghyuck wouldn't wish on his worst enemy. The looks from friends and acquaintances said it all, nearly making the Slytherin abandon his determination and forget his obsession with his Patronus.

But thinking about the smug grin he would receive from Jaemin upon returning to the dormitory empty-handed, as if knowing Donghyuck’s sense of self-preservation, or cowardice, would scream louder than his academic competitiveness, the Slytherin walked confidently towards the small group, waiting for Mark to notice his presence without having to humiliate himself further.

“All right, you did very well, Vrammout, just need more confidence when casting. Spencer, you need to work on your shield. If you need direction, you can speak with Jeno, he's over there helping his group with the likely spells Professor Potter will ask for in your year's exam.” giving orders and friendly advice, he turned to move to the other side of the room, freezing in place when he saw a certain Slytherin behind him, hands at his sides, no wand in sight, and an adorably embarrassed expression on his face.

Looking across the room, Mark met Renjun's amused gaze, along with the obscene gestures Jisung and Chenle were making at each other, mimicking a very soppy couple, laughing at their own pathetic act.

“Can I help you?”

Donghyuck bit his lower lip, his cheeks flushing as his eyes darted to the stone floor of the room. Mark felt a pang in his chest at seeing him look so genuinely adorable, swallowing any comments that might have made the other Lee run away from there.

Clearing his throat, Donghyuck smiled sheepishly.

“I wanted help with a spell…” if Mark didn't know his ex-boyfriend as well as he did, he might think it was a flimsy excuse to talk or something, but Donghyuck was too proud for that. Too proud even to ask for help with something Mark knew wasn’t an obstacle for him. The Slytherin was smart and very good at Charms and DADA; it didn’t make sense for him to need help. “Just direct me to whoever I need to go to, okay? This is already very frustrating.”

Mark smiled, crossing his arms and tilting his head to the side, staring at Donghyuck for a moment before chuckling through his nose. The Slytherin's ears were as red as the Gryffindor ties.

“What do you need help with?”

“Patronus.”

Oh.

This would be interesting.

“Don’t look at me like that, I know you have a legion of amateur teachers. Just point me to one of them, okay? So, which one? Renjun? Jeno? Or did you give this to Lele? I know he's especially good at DADA, almost as good as you, but I don't know if he's experienced enough to teach a Patronus and...”

“Usually, I'm the one who teaches about the Patronus.” interrupting Hyuck's rambling, Mark said softly, raising his eyebrows as if he was very sorry about it and waiting for the other's reaction.

Stopping mid-sentence, Donghyuck stared at the Gryffindor with wide eyes, his Adam's apple bobbing as he clearly reconsidered every life choice that had led him to this moment. Staring at his ex-boyfriend while indirectly asking him to teach one of the most beautiful spells known.

Donghyuck mentally cursed himself for his sudden curiosity about what form Mark's Patronus might take, and for the masochistic hope of seeing his own alongside it.

Heavens, it was such a childish wish.

“Oh…”

“If you have any problem with that, I can refer you to Jeno, if you prefer. He's more focused on duelling, but he can conjure a Patronus, and, well, he knows how to teach. He can help you if you want.”

Looking to the other side of the room, where Jeno was helping a sixth-year boy with non-verbal spells, Donghyuck shook his head. Jeno was indeed good at duelling, and Hyuck knew that very well; they faced each other in almost every Club meeting. But at that moment, he needed the best, someone who could produce a Patronus and was recognised for it. And even though it burned his insides to need Mark’s help, he was willing to swallow his pride for it.

“Alright, if you’re the best… when can we start?” his voice came out firm, and that didn’t seem to surprise the Gryffindor. Mark looked around, frowning at the crowded room, and performed a non-verbal tempus.

“Can you tell me the problem?” he already had a suspicion, but he wanted to confirm it.

“It’s the execution. I can’t get past a mist that definitely wouldn’t help against a Dementor or even be useful for sending messages.” he confessed quietly, feeling very small in the face of the other’s sigh, as if he were considering him an idiot for not being able to evoke a simple happy memory.

After a few moments of silence, Mark touched his elbow, his eyes soft and his lips red, as if they had been bitten a few seconds ago.

“Are you free after dinner?”

“Uh?”

“I’ll help you, but I don’t know how a crowded and noisy room like this can help you right now.” with a quick, wordless movement, Mark made a piece of parchment appear between them, whispering something that was immediately transferred to the paper. He took it, pulling Donghyuck’s hand and closing the Slytherin’s fingers over the note. “I’ll be waiting, alright? Please, eat well and don’t keep me waiting. You know I don’t tolerate more than ten minutes.”

Still a bit dazed by the warmth of Mark’s hands around his wrist and over his hand, Donghyuck just nodded, feeling the pressure of the older boy’s fingers increase on where they had been before he stepped back. The cold that hadn’t even existed before returned to plague the tips of Hyuck’s fingers.

What was the point of having such a warm body?

Leaving the tutoring room, Donghyuck leaned against a column, almost stumbling. He was on the fifth floor of the castle, and few people passed by the side the Slytherin had taken. So, he didn’t hold back, loosening the button near his neck that held his cloak in place and sliding down to the stone floor.

He regretted breaking up so much.

 

(...)

 

The breakup with Mark had been difficult for both sides. You see, they had known each other since they were four years old and had been together since their third year at Hogwarts. They had dates at Madam Puddifoot's tea shop, were constantly teased by their groups of friends about how clichéd it was for a Slytherin and a Gryffindor to be dating, and of course, they flirted openly when they faced each other in Quidditch. It was a relationship everyone knew about, and everyone knew its intensity.

Mark had dared to sit with the Slytherins at some lunches, just as Hyuck allowed himself to have lunch with the Gryffindors. Again, a very public relationship. But they didn’t care, nor did their families. On the contrary, owls from both families almost always made two stops when delivering letters, one at each table at the ends of the Great Hall, even after the breakup.

Donghyuck's parents tried not to insist on knowing the reason, but half the school still whispered theories in the corridors. 

Some involved betrayal, or that the rivalry between houses had finally screamed louder, or that the love had simply faded. None of them were correct, but Donghyuck would never confess out loud that he had ended a years-long relationship because he was too stressed to deal with another person, even if it was Mark. The so understanding and loving, Mark Lee.

There had been a strain in their fifth year, when the Slytherin was determined to get more O.W.L.s than his head could handle. Mark tried to help him not to freak out, and they ended up going through ups and downs side by side, which was very good but very exhausting. Hyuck was sensitive, freaked out with a grade below E, and almost cried when he didn’t receive an O in his assignments, with an irrational fear of getting a T in the dreaded O.W.L.s.

He didn’t have time for dates, and Mark understood that, accompanying him to the library almost every night, even on Hogsmeade days, and always waking the younger one when he dozed off on a pile of parchment. Mark never left his side; he was studious too but had less orthodox methods than Donghyuck and didn’t have any need for academic validation in his blood.

And seeing his boyfriend by his side, day and night, lunch and dinner, through tears and laughter, almost without receiving anything in return, broke Donghyuck's heart. Mark was a perfect boyfriend, but Hyuck wasn’t taking care of him in the same way, he wasn’t even giving him the attention Mark deserved.

He only realised how neglectful he had been when he saw Mark sitting across from him in the library, barely touching him across the table and with his feet away from his. It took a few minutes for him to notice the cold, the lack of contact with his boyfriend, raising his eyes from the books to find a clearly unwell Mark. It was a cold, a strong one that normally wouldn’t knock down the golden boy of Gryffindor, but due to poor nutrition from constantly staying by Donghyuck's side, Mark’s immunity dropped, and so did his health.

Donghyuck had never felt so cruel and selfish in his life.

To top off the terrible situation, he broke up with Mark. The older boy was still in bed in the Hospital Wing and looked at him with huge, puppy eyes, asking what had happened and affirming that none of it was Hyuck's fault. Mark chose to eat quickly to accompany him, Mark chose to skip afternoon snacks, Mark chose to avoid the sun and hide in the library. They were all Mark’s choices; Hyuck wasn’t to blame.

This didn’t convince him, however.

And even after they were officially broken up, Donghyuck still passed by the Hospital Wing to check on him. It was only two days, two days in which Hyuck made sure Mark was well and in good company. It was cruel that he only started giving back the attention the Gryffindor had given him when he himself decided to break up.

That was at the end of their fifth year. In their sixth year, things cooled down; the atmosphere was always heavy, and they couldn’t stay in the same room for long. Donghyuck couldn’t face his ex-boyfriend without feeling guilty. Using the good old rivalry between houses, it wasn’t hard to disappear from Mark’s sight, even in the classes where they were partners.

Mark realising that Hyuck wanted space might have helped, as he seemed to avoid getting in the other's way.

That damned Gryffindor who, even with a broken heart, continued to care for his beloved.

Well, what good did it do to avoid the same corridors for so many months?

Donghyuck was having a small portion of chicken pie, his stomach twisting with nervousness at the idea of spending at least an hour alone in the same room with his ex-boyfriend. He couldn't even try to fool himself into thinking that he had already moved on. Mark had been the great love of his life, the person Hyuck imagined growing old with, with whom he imagined building a family, even though he wasn’t so keen on the idea at first.

His friends also wouldn't let him forget, especially Jaemin, and even Jisung was teasing him about it. The darned guy didn't even notice his own complicated relationship with a certain Hufflepuff, but there he was, sitting in front of him, with the damn badger by his side, laughing at him.

"You ran, ran away from him, and now you're throwing yourself into his arms, clever move on your part, hyung," Chenle laughed, his shoulder touching Jisung's as they shared a treacle tart. Too oblivious lovebirds to realize they were in love.

"If I didn't know how serious you are about learning to conjure a Patronus, I would say you're a cunning snake, using kind-hearted Mark's weakness to get a date with him."

"It's not a damn date, god, my god."

"You two are going to be alone in the Room of Requirement for at least an hour after dinner, learning one of the most beautiful spells there is, and... he knows that trick to lock the room," Jaemin listed, his smile growing wider as Hyuck groaned in despair.

"Do you know what his Patronus looks like?"

"And what if you have the same Patronus?! My god, that would be so romantic..." Chenle sighed, losing the attentive look that a Slytherin was casting at him. Ridiculous.

Jaemin choked on the chicken pie, looking at Donghyuck with wide, worried eyes, but definitely filled with amusement.

"If your Patronus is the same as his, you're screwed, Donghyuck. I'll end you."

"Tell me something I don't know," he mocked, rolling his eyes and pushing the partially empty plate away. He couldn't even fool himself; the possibility of having the same Patronus as Mark haunted him from dreams to nightmares. He'd be so screwed if that happened.

"I wonder how this works... Does Hyuck need to know Mark's Patronus, or can Mark's change to match Hyuck's?" Jisung's genuinely interesting question made the little group fall silent for a moment. Chenle leaned even more on his yearmate, his right cheek resting on Park's shoulder while his hand moved closer to his, looking at the table without focusing on the eyes, pondering the matter. Jaemin just sighed, crossed his arms, and stared at the same unfocused point as Lele.

"I think it depends; maybe, if Hyuck really sees Mark's Patronus, he can conjure an identical one. But he might be able to conjure a different one without seeing Mark's, then maybe Mark's could change..."

"You guys have too much faith in this hypothetical and completely ridiculous situation."

"Well, it could be that Mark's Patronus doesn't change, but it's almost certain that yours will be the same as his, or at least related to his, like cat and mouse, or something like that," finishing dinner, Jisung also set aside the plates and cutlery. Donghyuck hated seeing his friends getting ready to leave the Great Hall because it meant that his second dose of humiliation was getting closer and closer.

"You love him, it might not be mutual, then... well, it's going to be a terrible situation, but let's not think about it, okay? Positive thoughts, hyung!"

"Thanks for that, being humiliated, rejected, and frustrated definitely were my plans for tonight."

"Well, you're welcome, anytime."

Chenle chuckled softly. Jaemin did too, but he discreetly pushed a chocolate bar into Lee's pocket, silently apologizing and leaving when the flow of students exiting the Great Hall started to become more frequent. 

 

(...)

 

Walking in circles in front of the grotesque tapestry of a troll dancing ballet, Donghyuck had never been more convinced that he had made a terrible choice. He still didn't know what he had in mind when he decided that learning the damn spell was more valuable than his dignity. He wouldn't even be getting involved with the Auror Department after school; he would be peacefully living in his family's apothecary, more specifically, locked in the back laboratory, surrounded by bubbling cauldrons and with almost no chance of facing a Dementor.

He didn't need to. But he wanted to.

Even competent adult wizards had difficulty conjuring a corporeal Patronus; it wasn't expected that he, at seventeen, could achieve such a feat. But it wasn't impossible. Damn it, the tutoring group led by Mark was known for the mess of Patronuses circulating in the room. Why couldn't he conjure one?

He just needed the right instructions, the right encouragement, the right words.

Taking a deep breath, he stopped in front of the empty wall.

Show me Mark. 

He didn't startle when there was a rush of magic around him, already used to due to the years he spent sneaking out of the dungeons after his boyfriend, who also fled from the lion's den. Again, this wouldn't work. After all, it was just a private lesson with an ex-boyfriend in the same place they used to passionately kiss each other while whispering promises of a future together.

What if he ran away? It couldn't get any worse, could it?

Well, before he actually took a step back, a door was already in front of him.

"I don't know why I hoped you would manage to arrive on time," with a non-verbal Tempus, Mark showed him the time. Hyuck was thirteen minutes late. Oh, we're off to a good start.

The Gryffindor clearly knew what he was getting into, sitting in the middle of a classroom similar to the one he used to assist his colleagues, with just a few changes here and there. The stone floor was decorated with a plush pearl-white carpet in the center; some large cushions and beanbags were also scattered around the room, making it comfortable and much more inviting than it should be. Mark was on the carpet, sitting, almost lying, on a beanbag and a cushion, a heavy potion book was on his lap, as if he knew he would need a distraction for Donghyuck's predictable delay.

He didn't seem affected by it, though. His shoes were left next to the carpet, and his cloak away from his eyes; his reading glasses were almost on the tip of his nose, due to the casual position. He seemed quite comfortable there, and that somehow made Donghyuck's chest ache painfully.

"I got caught up at dinner, Lele needed help with the potion essay," Mark frowned, perhaps considering disbelieving the lie, or just remembering the pain of having to hand over rolls of parchment to Professor Malfoy. He was stricter than most of the faculty.

"Why don't you join the tutoring group? It would take up less of your time not having to help individuals in the middle of the day," levitating a beanbag and a cushion closer to where he was sitting, Mark waved for the other to sit down. Donghyuck didn't question, taking off his shoes and leaving both his cloak and bag outside the carpet, practically dragging himself to the soft beanbag.

"I don't have the inclination to teach potions to the younger ones from other houses, and besides, History of Magic already takes up much of my time, and it's just a theoretical subject."

"Is the group still large?" Donghyuck blinked, trying to remember if there had been a significant change in the last two years. Shaking his head.

"We have few N.E.W.T. level students, more from the N.O.M.s., as usual," Mark made a sympathetic noise, indeed very familiar with that dynamic. "Many Muggle-borns enrolled this semester, though. From all years. I think Professor Potter convinced them that knowing the history of the wizarding world was more important than it seemed; there was even a group of pure-bloods wanting to join, but they gave up when we got into the topic of how Muggle-borns are sustaining the wizarding community, especially here in Britain. They wanted to leave after the lessons on the hypocrisy of the segregationists, but after practically predicting their extinction, they ran away." Hyuck didn't seem bothered by it at all.

"Ah, the witch-hunt season, right? Wait, let me see if I still remember the key points..." putting the potion book on the carpet, Mark sat up more properly, his forehead furrowed. Hyuck held back the urge to laugh, already imagining what would come next. "It starts by talking about the Inquisition and how the pure-blood wizarding aristocracy influenced the hunt for Muggle-borns and half-bloods, but ended up shooting themselves in the foot, as Muggles started hunting pure-bloods."

This time, Donghyuck smiled from ear to ear, nodding.

"We could extend the subject to how this created a very suggestive environment for anti-Muggle sentiment and ideology, how Grindelwald gained traction because of it, how he, after being arrested and considered a criminal, still managed to garner support from almost the entire wizarding community before Dumbledore worked on his downfall, Voldemort's return, pure-blood supremacy resurging, and... well, that's it. Having a half-blood saviour and a Muggle-born making noise in the ministry helps a bit. Shacklebolt is doing a great job, even if he won't remain as minister for long; I think he'll pass the chair to Granger in a few years." He frowned for a few seconds, oblivious to the heavy gaze on him. "Well, having Potter and the Weasleys as supporters will certainly help her convince the undecided, but I don't want to get into the wormhole of the general wizarding community's lack of political education in this country and how Hogwarts only worsens this with a lousy History of Magic teacher. Oh, honestly, how do they still let Binns teach? This is frustrating!"

"I think it's out of convenience, but maybe Professor McGonagall will change that in the years to come, if there's someone available and suitable for the job."

"By then, we'll have dozens more generations of politically ignorant wizards," he grumbled, his face practically buried against the beanbag. "What annoys me the most is the fact that Muggle-borns are the most affected in this story; those born into the wizarding world are always ahead and consequently know more about where to stick their noses, and I wouldn't doubt that another crazy leader will soon rise to power. Bloody hell!"

Finding the other's outrage reasonable, and even adorable, Mark smiled weakly.

"I think the ideal would be an education even before Hogwarts. It's unfair to think that wizards born into the community already know and can handle their magic from an early age, with the help of parents or even private tutors, while Muggle-borns are ignored until they're called to Hogwarts. Eleven years of disadvantage, far from fair."

"Exactly! My God, what's the difficulty for adults to see what's obvious?!"

Donghyuck was clearly very involved in the conversation, only realizing it when he practically shouted the last sentence. He was always hooked by his fascination with the history and politics of wizards, but he definitely didn't want to be in the midst of his stupor next to Mark, damn Mark, who stared at him with all the attention in the world, even though he hated studying the subject.

Heaven, Mark ran away from History of Magic as soon as he had the chance; he only got an O in the subject after spending months being Donghyuck's guinea pig. Why the hell was he there, listening to him talk about something that definitely didn't interest him?! Why was he always so, so...?!

"I think, correct me if I'm wrong," the Gryffindor started, avoiding eye contact so as not to have to look at Donghyuck's, suddenly very aware of what they were doing at that moment. "The current government is more focused on rebuilding and caring for the damage caused during the two wars against Voldemort. Maybe, with Granger in power and her egalitarian ideals both among wizards and creatures, something will change. Her being Muggle-born will be very important for innovation; who knows, wizarding education might improve, as she knows very well what it feels like to spend years in ignorance. And building education from the earliest years of life is almost like cutting out the root of evil."

The Slytherin blinked once, twice, three times. His heart racing in his chest.

Mark stopped talking and became embarrassed by the younger one's wide-eyed gaze upon him, scratching the back of his neck and smiling awkwardly.

"Did I say something stupid? Sorry, it's been a while since I touched on this subject, the boys aren't very fond of it, and Renjun hates talking about it near Jeno, so we end up avoiding it so we don't fight. I think the last time I talked so much about politics was in the debate on lycanthropy in fifth year and..." seeing where he was going, Mark abruptly stopped talking.

Oh.

That day had been... significant. 

They were still dating when there was a huge fight in the Debate Club; both were on the side that advocated for investment in public policies for werewolves, while the other side was supposed to be the conservative group, which was against any interaction between wizards and werewolves. At the time, debates weren't mediated by teachers, and this one went smoothly until a student made a rude and very disgusting comment about the subject, resulting in Edward Lupin attacking the other boy. And that was a trigger for a huge mess; hormones raging and several students skilled in dueling resulted in nothing but a small war in the debate hall.

Donghyuck didn't get involved in the fight, keeping a strong shield around him, but Mark was in the middle of the mess and ended up with a nasty bruise under his eyes and cuts on his lip and eyebrows. That was the day Donghyuck invaded the Gryffindor tower for the first time, going to his boyfriend's bed and spending the night by his side. It was the night they talked about everything that could happen to them in different futures; it was the day they talked about engagement, even at just fifteen years old. It was the day they promised to be together in all possibilities.

Remembering that wasn't the best way to continue with small talk, and both, trapped in their own thoughts, let the uncomfortable silence fill the room; the tension that had weakened over time returned in all its glory. Donghyuck didn't even want to look at Mark after recalling all of that.

"Well, shall we work?"

Oh, right, they weren't there to chat.

Standing up, still on the carpet, Mark made the beanbags move slightly to the sides, enough so they wouldn't trip during the lesson, but close enough so they could collapse onto one when they were too tired.

"Show me what you've got; let's see where we can start from," taking on the pseudo-teacher posture, Mark waved for Donghyuck to begin, nothing but seriousness in his eyes, something he always did when teaching younger students.

Taking a deep breath once more, Donghyuck raised his wand, swirling it in the correct manner and pronouncing the spell in perfect Latin. However, despite performing the outward part perfectly, only a silvery smoke emerged from his wand. The glow was quite strong, which made the situation even more pathetic in his eyes.

"Do you mind if I ask what you were thinking about?" Mark's voice was gentle, soft for the intimate question and controlled enough not to make Donghyuck shrink and cry over his failure.

"Usually, I try to think of happy things, like when I got the results of the O.W.L.s... or when I won the Quidditch Cup as captain last year. I even tried thinking about the future. I read somewhere about hope also being a useful tool, but I couldn't get past that."

"Right... can I suggest something?"

"I'm here for that, go ahead."

"You're focusing too much on the obvious and not on the feeling you felt at the moment," he pointed out seriously. Saying that he was choosing weak memories wasn't ideal, but Mark knew how to deal with Donghyuck. "The Patronus is almost always connected to the feeling of happiness, and no, I won't say otherwise, but it all depends on what happiness means to you. Many times, we confuse happiness with relief," he looked into the Slytherin's eyes, swallowing hard and choosing the right words for what he would say next. "Was it happiness or relief that you felt when you received a letter with ten Os?"

Hyuck fell silent, and Mark continued.

"Relief is a strong feeling, yes, but nothing compared to happiness and hope. What really matters is the weight of the memory or image you have in mind. It can be a unique memory, which really is the happiest moment of someone's life, or it can be a collection of moments that, together, weigh enough to make you conjure a Patronus without even blinking," and as if he needed to prove what he was saying, he twirled his wand, whispering the incantation and illuminating the place with the strength of its silvery glow.

Despite the almost timid movement and careless pronunciation, a bird emerged from the tip of Mark's wand. Donghyuck had to squint to distinguish what it was at first, he thought it was a hawk, but when the bird spread its wings, broad and expansive, and its shape became clearer, he sighed in fascination. It was an eagle.

The animal was larger than he expected from a bird, it circled around them for a few seconds, swift and with astute eyes. With a whistle from Mark, it approached them, landing on the Gryffindor's arm and staring at Donghyuck with intimidating silver eyes. That being wasn't even real, but it had a haunting territorial aura. Its eyes seemed to pierce the Slytherin's soul, judging him mercilessly.

Somehow, it matched Mark. Like an imposing and vigilant guardian, ready to protect Lee with its claws.

"Do you want to touch? It's not exactly corporeal, but she likes the gesture," once again proving what he said, Mark ran his hand over the eagle's head, smiling when it leaned into the touch. His hand particularly didn't touch anything, but there was a cold touch in the gesture, a cold sensation that strangely warmed his fingers. He leaned his arm towards Donghyuck, encouraging him to touch the bird.

With hesitation, he mimicked the older one's gesture, running his hand over the strange silver head that practically didn't exist under his fingers. The cold and warm sensation at the same time surprised him, as did the vain look he received from the bird.

Mark released it into the air seconds later, watching it gradually disappear.

"Try again, remembering what I said about the weight of what you think. It can be an important memory, but it can also be something that involves hope, something that warms your chest when you remember it, something that motivates you to get out of bed every day."

Something that was important. Something that filled you with hope. Something that warmed your chest. Something that motivated you.

Mark's voice sounded encouraging in the background once again. And even knowing that he would leave the Room with a hole in place of his heart, Donghyuck allowed himself to think about what he desperately tried to avoid. But there was no way to escape at that moment, not when the person who filled his chest was right there beside him.

Painfully, he remembered their relationship. The sunny days, the moonlit days, the days together under countless circumstances. By the Lake, in the courtyard, in the library, at meals, in sneaking into each other's dormitories... he even remembered Mark's loud and contagious laughter on the Christmas they spent together in third year.

With regret, Donghyuck saw his silvery shield ripple; something moved in the midst of the smoke, but as the flood of memories came, the pain that they were just memories from the past made the charm not last long, disappearing before the animal even raised its head.

Mark stirred in the background, claiming to have seen the head of a dog, but Donghyuck couldn't join him in excitement, his chest tightening once again.

"You've got the hang of it! Just keep thinking about what you thought, develop it a little more, and keep it. I promise it gets easier when you cast it for the first time; the assurance that you've done it once helps even more," he waved for Hyuck to try again, smiling openly from where he was, his eyes shining with pride.

Donghyuck needed to take a deep breath once again, pushing all the melancholy to the back of his mind, setting aside the pain of longing, and swallowing the knot forming in his throat, gripping his wand tighter than usual so that the tears wouldn't come. 

By Merlin, why was remembering a relationship that he himself chose to end so painful? It wasn't possible that Mark was so influential in his life, not to the point of preventing Donghyuck from performing a damn spell!

"Focus on what you thought the first time, Hae, think about it, let your mind delve into it."

Hae.

Without being able to contain it, Donghyuck's mind was invaded by a memory from when they were around five years old. They were just children, it was around the same time his mother had married Jeno's father, and they had moved into Hyuck's house. He vividly remembered Mark's stern expression towards the younger boy, towards the boy who lived behind Hyuck, calling him in corners, too shy to walk alone in the new house. Jeno was adorable, even Mark could admit that, but the older boy took a while to like the boy, childish jealousy blinding him for a few weeks.

That's when Mark started calling Donghyuck Haechan. He hated having to share Donghyuck, so he started calling him Hae, Haechan, his Haechan.

Swallowing the urge to cry, Donghyuck practically whispered the incantation.

"Expecto Patronum."

The magical strength required to sustain the spell could be the hardest part of the process; Hyuck already felt like he was nibbling at the edges of his magical core. Training a spell incorrectly was always more exhausting; there was a lot of energy wasted along the way, as it wasn't yet clear how to direct the magic.

But even focusing on the magical part of it, the psychological part was even more exhausting. Maybe on the field, he could conjure a Patronus; he wouldn't have enough time to feel his chest ache with longing, but being there, next to Mark, it would be almost impossible to conjure anything.

There were hooves this time, four of them, small and delicate, along with thin, short legs. The head emerged again, rounded and elongated, the cute ears taking on a more distinct shape this time, the tips wiggling adorably as the animal tried to face the wizard who conjured it. Most of its body was shrouded in the mess of smoke and silver glow, but Donghyuck could see it wasn't a big animal. The last thing he saw were a pair of black and gentle eyes staring at him, until the Patronus vanished.

At least it wasn't an eagle.

"A deer?" he heard Mark whisper from the other side, a mix of confusion and admiration in his voice. "You've definitely got the hang of it; for someone who couldn't get out of a shield, seeing the silhouette of the Patronus is already more than halfway there. One more try?"

Donghyuck wasn't mentally stable enough to continue with that meeting. And anyway, the lacerating pain in his chest would certainly prevent him from progressing further that night. It was almost impossible to think of happy memories without them having any relation to Mark; he was always in them, whether in the background or simply being the protagonist alongside Hyuck. How could he conjure something knowing that all he felt was longing?

"I-I... I think I'll stop here."

"Oh? Really? This attempt was very good, and..." the Gryffindor interrupted himself, his eyes catching the melancholy on Hyuck's face with absurd ease. The Slytherin's lips were twisted inward, his eyebrows had a delicate curve towards the bridge of his nose, and with that, Mark swallowed all the ready insistence, smiling weakly but understandingly. "Alright, I guess we can call it a day."

Donghyuck felt like a walking emotional mess. The embarrassment of being there was only surpassed by his inability to extract memories without them hurting from the longing that consumed him every time he looked at his former boyfriend. The pain was almost suffocating.

"I... Thank you, Mark."

"Don't worry, no need to thank me," he scratched the back of his neck, biting his lip and speaking softly. "If you want, we can meet here again tomorrow."

Donghyuck didn't seem confident to say more than a full sentence; Mark didn't push him.

"Look, even if it's our only meeting, know that you did well, Hyuck." Mark let out a soft sigh, seeing the storm in the other's eyes. With sorrow, he suspected the reason, feeling his chest tighten painfully for what would be the umpteenth time that day. "Professor Potter has already told us how complex the Patronus charm is; few can do it, and you've seen part of your corporeal Patronus, which is already a big step, okay? Don't be so hard on yourself; you're very intelligent and competent, needing a little extra time with a spell doesn't make you less competent. Seriously, you're very talented, Hyuck."

Mark's gaze radiated understanding and affection, as if he understood all the pain Donghyuck was going through at that moment. And maybe he really could understand, because even separated, they knew each other like the back of their hands. Mark knew when Donghyuck was feeling bad, Donghyuck knew when Mark was trying to comfort him. The words were sweet, but what really gave it away were his big, caring eyes.

Donghyuck desperately needed a hug. And even though it hurt, he knew he couldn't wait or ask for that from his ex-boyfriend.

As they bid farewell, politely and without any addition or reminder of how comfortable they had been during the small talk about wizard politics they had at the beginning of class, Donghyuck ran off to the dungeons. It took him a good few minutes to reach the bottom floor of the castle, and a few more until he entered the common room and finally stopped at the door of his dorm.

It was already around eleven o'clock; his roommates must be sleeping already, but Hyuck knew that one of them was awake, waiting for him.

With moist eyes and a lump choking his throat, he crawled onto Jaemin's bed, burying himself in his friend's arms and being comforted as his chest released and expelled everything that had been holding back for years.

 

(...)

 

“I'm almost certain it wasn't a roe deer.”

“But didn't Mark say it was?”

“And is he, by any chance, an expert in cervids?”

Looking at the library table infested with copies of book pages with drawings and any texts that Donghyuck considered useful, Jaemin considered retorting with the same question, but remained quiet.

Since the day Donghyuck was able to visualize parts of his Patronus, some blurry and others sharper, discovering what animal it was had become the slytherin's new obsession. He was indeed a boy of moments. And at that moment, he was hunched over a list full of things Jaemin had no idea about the meaning of.

“Couldn't it be a deer?”

“Deer are bigger and have antlers.” was his disdainful response. Jaemin huffed, grabbing a stack of copies from the table.

“What about a pampas deer?”

“Antlers.”

“And a Visayan spotted deer?”

“Antlers.”

“Salazar, what the hell.” quickly going through the papers, Jaemin pulled out all those where the images showed the damn antlers or any branched horns. “Again, why can't it be a roe deer?”

Donghyuck huffed, rubbing his forehead and impatiently staring at his friend.

“A roe deer can grow over a meter, what I saw wouldn't even reach my waist, very short and without antlers.”

Jaemin raised an eyebrow.

“You know, a distant cousin studies at Castelobruxo in South America; he's told me wonderful stories about a little animal called a capybara. ”

If assaulting a colleague with accidental magic caused by anger wasn't grounds for expulsion, Jaemin would certainly already be being thrown out one of the castle's windows by Donghyuck. And with another impatient, exasperated, and completely desperate huff, Donghyuck left his reading glasses on the table, rubbing his eyes and suddenly looking very small in his robes.

“I've researched them already. They're rodents and can grow up to sixty centimeters tall, but again, what I saw was shorter, with a more elongated head and a snout certainly thinner than the flattened head of a capybara.” almost without energy, his arms feeling like jelly as he handled the wand, Hyuck summoned a piece of parchment from a discarded pile, showing the small research collection on capybaras. “I thought of a tufted deer, but honestly, the canines are too prominent, and I didn't see that on the day.”

“What about a Roosevelt muntjac?”

“That one looks like a goat, we're certainly closer to a capybara than a goat. And again, the horns.”

“And the Philippine spotted deer?”

“Too small-headed for those overly large ears. The ears I saw were almost rounded, like a bear's.”

Jaemin sighed, deciding to abandon the stack of papers he had in his hands.

“Right, forget about this stack.” with his hands on his hips, Jaemin surveyed the mess from above, trying to find some clue amidst so much useless and noisy information. Capybara, South America, small, rounded ears, no branched horns… “What about the pudu?”

For the first time that day, the look Donghyuck gave Jaemin wasn't enveloped in any anger or disbelief; on the contrary, Lee's eyes seemed to shine with hope. It was almost cute how his face lit up with just an unfamiliar name.

“Pudu?”

“P-U-D-U.” spelled Nana calmly, scanning the parchment and smiling. “It's a South American cervid, one of the smallest species in the world. They don't have horns, they're small, and they have this kind of... delicate appearance. It's not exactly like the capybara, but maybe it fits the description of what you saw...?”

Donghyuck's expression gradually changed from tired to interested. He picked up the research parchment again, starting to examine it more closely, his eyes meeting those of the little animal on the paper.

“Pudu…” he murmured to himself, reading about the creature. “They are indeed very small. And they don't have horns. But... could it be that?”

Jaemin waited, watching Donghyuck furrow his brow about five times, pout his lips at least seven times as he read something that certainly didn't please him, until everything disappeared and his face was lit up by a truly genuine laugh.

“Y-you won't believe the list of predators of the pudu!” now laughing, Hyuck even wiped away some stubborn tears, trying to stop laughing, but failing.

Jaemin wasted no time, taking the parchment back and heading for the predators section. He felt the air escape from his lungs when he saw a name in the middle of so many, understanding Donghyuck's laughing fit, or just another fit, even better.

Eagles.

 

(...)

 

With the arrival of late December, the school turned into a mix of anticipation and pre-Christmas excitement. While the younger students were eager to explore the snow-covered castle, the older ones found themselves in a rather unpleasant dilemma. Many were torn between the decision to stay at the castle and spend a few more hours in the library or go home and enjoy two weeks of rest with their families.

For some, the holidays represented a golden opportunity to disconnect from school routine and recharge alongside their parents before the dreaded period of O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s, as they were unlikely to return home during Easter, which was close to exam time. For others, however, there was an additional pressure to use their free time productively; catching up on subjects and essays was the main reason for the small crowd in the library in recent days and would likely continue until the end of the holiday.

Well, that might be the case for many, but there were still those more... obsessed students.

"You're not staying here, Lee Donghyuck."

"And who do you think you are to stop me?" Jaemin could even take offense at the disdainful look he received, but he knew all too well how Donghyuck acted when he wanted to win a fight by wearing out or annoying the other party. That wouldn't work today.

“I'm your best friend, and I'm going to be the one to kick you out of this castle on Christmas.”

Donghyuck made a clicking sound with his tongue, chuckling through his nose, not paying much attention to the other.

“You know what? If you don't listen to me, I'll appeal to your family.” the threat was met with another sarcastic sound.

“By the time you write a letter, send it, my parents receive it, reply, if they even reply, and you receive your response, I'll have already given my name to Headmistress McGonagall and will be very well sheltered in Jisung's dormitory.” narrated as if it were, indeed, a plan. But Jaemin was too determined to hand this victory over to Donghyuck for free.

“I'll appeal to Jeno.”

Despite the serious threat, Donghyuck choked on the baked potato he was biting into, laughing almost loud enough to attract the attention of the entire Great Hall. Jaemin huffed.

“You?! Going to talk to him ?!” he laughed loudly, holding his stomach and wiping the corner of his eyes after embarrassing everyone at the Slytherin table for good seconds. “You don't even have the courage to step into the study sessions they teach, let alone talk to them in the middle of dinner!”

“Are you going home for Christmas?”

“I already said no, Nana.” he replied, still breathless and letting out some lost laughs.

Without much thought, Jaemin stood up, leaving his half-eaten mushroom soup and staring seriously at Donghyuck. Lee stopped laughing immediately, widening his eyes when the other put one leg on the other side of the bench without saying anything else. He even rolled his eyes, thinking Nana was sulking because of the fight, but when he saw him staring at a very specific point on the Hufflepuff table, on the other side of the hall, he knew he had lost that fight in the worst possible way.

Determined and ignoring all of Donghyuck's protests, Jaemin left the Slytherin table, attracting some curious glances that were promptly ignored as he crossed the Great Hall, passing by the Ravenclaw table and stopping at the end of the Hufflepuff table, more specifically, stopping just behind Lee Jeno. As if that wasn't enough, Mark was there too, as was Renjun.

The three of them stared at the slytherin with raised eyebrows, and Jaemin couldn't blame them for that. Since the turn of the century, he chose to support his housemate, as did Jisung, distancing himself from the others was a bitter consequence. But even though it hurt, Jaemin had his loyalties very well established, even though he received impatient glances from his ex-boyfriends. Oh, Salazar, he shouldn't have come after Jeno.

“Either you and Donghyuck have plans to come back, or it's going to rain stones tonight.” in a very good mood, Renjun pushed Mark's shoulder with his, dipping a piece of toast in the mushroom soup he was having for dinner and intentionally ignoring the standing slytherin.

Mark didn't dare to open his mouth, leaving only Jeno in the mediator position. Which wasn't good, but it could be worse.

“Can we help you?”

“You can, actually.” he began, a little embarrassed, needing to contain himself from running away when he heard a mocking chuckle from the Ravenclaw with a lot of grudges against him. Jeno just raised his eyebrows in doubt, but nothing more than that, no smiles and no crescents. “Are you going home for Christmas?”

“Hm? Why do you want to know? Especially you? ”

Ouch, that hurt.

Renjun chuckled under his breath, murmuring something acidic to himself as Mark choked on the roast chicken he was eating, coughing and trying to survive on his own. Once the storm cloud was around those three, it was impossible to try to pull them out of that sentimental trance. As always happened when they were in the same environment.

“Jeno, I just need to know if you're going or not, please!” Jaemin insisted more desperate than he would like. Renjun didn't hide his laughter this time, Mark seemed almost more desperate than Jaemin to be in the middle of them. Feeling his ears warm from the murmurs he was causing by standing in the middle of the Great Hall, Jaemin swung his leg over the bench, sitting next to Jeno and staring at him with pleading eyes. “You need to take Donghyuck home, by Merlin's beard, I would throw him in my trunk myself if it were possible, but that idiot won't listen to me!”

“Calm down, does he not intend to go home?”

“No!” he whispered exasperated.

Jeno finally seemed to pay attention to him, finally turning to Jaemin, his forehead furrowed and his eyes narrowed.

“His mother will send a legion of Howlers if he doesn't go to the family Christmas party, my father won't like it either, they had agreed that Hyuck would visit a professor after the New Year…” understanding Jaemin's revolt, Jeno turned to the Slytherin table, his forehead furrowed as he stared at his stepbrother in a silent conversation. Jeno sighed, sitting up straight at the table. “He can't just not go home for Christmas.”

“Exactly! He wants to stay to study, when he doesn't need to!”

“Is it still about that patronus thing?” more peaceful, once the subject was Donghyuck, Renjun dared to ask. Jaemin shot a serious look at Mark, who shrugged, not at all repentant for sharing something that wasn't about him with someone else.

“Honestly, I don't know if it's just that. He got obsessed with executing and finding out what the animal was, but after that, it seems like he realized he spent too much time on it, now he wants to make up for it and…” he interrupted himself, instantly regretting speaking too much. Jeno sighed, Renjun made a clicking sound with his tongue, not at all surprised. The person who certainly shouldn't be aware of certain things was silent, their eyes fixed across the Hall.

“Is he still meeting me tonight?”

Again, unable to hold back his tongue, Jaemin blurted out.

“Honestly, he wouldn't miss that for anything.”

Mark stared at the Na, blinking dazed and clearly surprised by that confession that certainly shouldn't have come from Jaemin's damn mouth.

The slytherin gave a forced smile, ready to run away, but Jeno was quicker and stopped him from getting up by putting a hand on his right thigh, shaking his head when Jaemin practically whined for him to let go, his crescent-shaped eyes finally appearing. Oh, how amazing. He and his loose tongue were a shame to his house, but at least that made Jeno and Renjun look at him with something other than resentment, even if now they were enjoying themselves at the expense of his inability to shut up and Mark's suffering.

At that moment, the Gryffindor didn't know where to look, torn between staring at the drama of those three, feeling that those exchanges of glances meant much more than they let on, or letting himself absorb and think about the fact that, Donghyuck, even with a busy schedule and an even more disturbed mind, was insisting on seeing him that night. What the hell did that mean? And why had Jaemin made it clear that missing a meeting with Mark wasn't an option for Donghyuck?

Feeling Mark's gaze weighing on him from meters away, Donghyuck lifted his eyes from his dinner and found himself in the middle of a silent conversation that he clearly wasn't ready to have. Not when he would be alone with Mark in a few minutes.

Donghyuck hesitated for a moment, looking away and feeling the heat rise in his ears, hoping his embarrassment wasn't so evident.

And it wasn't, but Mark knew Donghyuck like the back of his hand and could recognize the slight blush beneath his eyes from miles away.

 

(...)

 

Huddled on one of the beanbags in the Room of Requirement, Donghyuck had his face practically hidden by his green scarf with silver stripes. It used to be cold in the days leading up to Christmas, but it was easily controlled by warming spells or the fires that were lit throughout the castle. But the cursed Room of Requirement was on a floor too high and too far from any cozy fireplace, not even the heating spell Hyuck cast on himself was enough, he still felt the tips of his fingers stiff from the cold.

The fact that he was trying to conjure a patronus didn't help much. The warm coldness of the silvery magic was still more cold than warm.

He was a few minutes early, with no desire to wander through the corridors like on other days, he rushed to the Room, asking for the usual spot and throwing himself onto the soft beanbag, pulling his feet up and practically wrapping himself in the foam, cold and loving the warm space he managed to create with several attempts to warm up.

Donghyuck was almost dozing off when the door opened. He didn't even open his eyes, hearing Mark's muffled laughter in the background and shrinking even more inside the cloak.

“If you're so cold, why didn't you ask the Room for blankets? Or a fireplace?”

Oh.

“I... didn't think of that, to be honest.” he murmured, feeling his cheeks suddenly very warm. Before he could say anything else embarrassing, a magical whisper quickly caught his attention, surprising him when a thick and very warm fabric was placed over him. With wide eyes and his heart practically in his mouth, he turned to Mark, catching him smiling in his direction.

Caught in the act, Mark coughed to disguise it, looking away and muttering something inaudible as he pulled a beanbag to its usual place. Donghyuck rolled his eyes at seeing the other casually wearing only the white shirt and trousers of the uniform, no cloaks or even the damned bright red tie. Damn Canadian with unnecessary cold resistance.

“Well, I guess we can do this.” following Hyuck, the Gryffindor sat on the beanbag, pulling his legs up and sitting in the lotus position, containing the smile that almost escaped him when he saw the younger one wrapping himself in the blanket. It took a few seconds for Hyuck to position it properly over his shoulders, so it wouldn't interfere with wand work. “Better?”

“Hm? Oh, yes, thank you.” he almost thanked in a chirp, but Mark didn't mind.

“Do you want help with warming spells too?”

Donghyuck scowled instantly, huffing and feeling his cheeks warm up once again.

“It's not about the spell, the weather is too cold even for them.”

“Oh, and what are you going to do at Christmas? I'm sure it will get even colder by then.” speaking casually, Mark twirled his wand in small circles, conjuring some magical fireballs to surround them for a few moments and avoiding the other's astute gaze. Donghyuck made a clicking sound with his tongue, a mix of disdain with impatience.

“I don't know what that gossiping snake told you, but know that I won't change my mind.”

“I won't talk about it, Hae, I understand your decision to stay at school.”

Donghyuck sank even deeper into the blanket, his eyes wandering over the pearly rug.

“Just... take care, okay? I know it's pretty common for Slytherin to be empty at Christmas, and well, since the whole group plans to go home for the holiday…”

“T-the whole group?” the slytherin's voice came out thinner and more brittle than he planned, deep down, he hoped to at least have Renjun's company during the holiday, even his ex-boyfriend's, he really didn't count on everyone going home. Mark's eyes quickly turned to him, affectionate and warm, as always.

“Well, Jeno is going home and taking Renjun with him, Chenle managed to convince his parents and will take Jisung home too. Nana always goes home, I think he might have a heart attack if he doesn't see his niece at this time of year.” he joked at the end, enjoying hearing the other's laughter, even if it was a bit choked. “And me, well, you know, I want to see how Johnny and Tae are, I haven't seen them since fourth year.”

Since the last Christmas when all the families gathered, before the breakup. Those were the words between the lines, and Donghyuck understood the message.

“The party will be at my house, right?”

Mark nodded.

“Are you going?”

He hesitated, but nodded positively.

“I-I know it can be kind of inconvenient, but Jeno invited me and... Hae, really, I'm so sorry for this, I really hate making our friends walk on eggshells because of us. I tried to refuse, but Jeno knows how much I miss the guys, I can't just say no to him, you know?

Donghyuck didn't react, in fact, he already expected that answer. Since his mother had started mentioning Christmas in her letters, he suspected that the Lee Family's Traditional Christmas Party would make its comeback this year, the party was big, but only with the same families as always, the families that joined together what their children joined at Hogwarts. It wasn't always that Jisung's and Renjun's parents could come for the two weeks, but their presence was always guaranteed on Christmas Eve and Day, and in good years, they could stay until New Year's.

Since the breakup, Hyuck's family had stopped celebrating in style and made the ceremony more intimate, just among themselves.

Well, two years had passed, it was time to bring back the festivities.

He didn't feel any remorse for Mark having accepted to spend Christmas with his family, how could he, after all? They grew up together, long before school, Mark's relationship with his family came long before Mark became Donghyuck's boyfriend. Damn it, Donghyuck's cousin was Mark's godfather! How could he demand that he distance himself from his own family?

“Don't worry about it, hyung.” the term escaped him without even noticing, leaving a sweet trail in his mouth. Mark blinked, but didn't say anything, staring at the fingers around the wand and listening to what the other had to say. “I think it was more than time to... get over this, you know? And actually, I should apologize, for keeping you from seeing Johnny all these years.” clearing his throat, he continued. “I'm sorry for that, really, it was very selfish of me.”

The silence that followed was more agonising than comforting. Mark didn't quite know what to feel about it, he understood, he really understood what was said about overcoming something that didn't just affect them. The breakup had been a tsunami between them, but also among their friends and families. Getting over it was something bigger than them, something they needed to do. Not just for themselves, but for the people around them.

But what was within what should be overcome?

Did Donghyuck want to overcome just the fights? Or did he want to overcome everything?

Was he trying to start a conversation about ending that chapter between them once and for all?

Did he... did he have someone else? Did he want to put an end to their story so he could start over?

Was there really no hope left for them?

Swallowing all the questions that Mark needed the answers to, but definitely wasn't ready for, he smiled. As always, he just ignored the cracks that were spreading through his chest and smiled, smiled at Donghyuck as if he were still his Sun, smiled and let his eyes close in the process, so that Hyuck wouldn't be able to see the lack of sparkle in them.

“Don't worry about it, Hyuck, we've moved past that stage, haven't we?” his smile wavered, but he quickly assumed the role of teacher and pushed all sentimentality aside. “Shall we begin? I think this might be our last lesson, you really got the hang of it.”

Hyuck smiled faintly, not understanding why he felt so uneasy.

“I hope I can get this over with soon, I hate wasting so much time on something.”

“I know, come on, give us your best memory!”

And the lesson began.

Donghyuck wasn't surprised when he finally managed to conjure a corporeal patronus. It was as Mark had said, after getting an idea of how it worked, of how to execute the spell correctly, all the practice became easier.

It took four attempts, and only on the fifth, a small pudu trotted around them. It was really small, barely reaching Donghyuck's knees, with dark eyes much gentler than Mark's sharp eagle eyes.

The Canadian had an open smile when the little animal stopped near them, pride oozing from his eyes, and seeing him stroke the magical, almost gaseous form of his Pudu, made Hyuck's chest warm in such a way that he considered using the image as a background for when he would conjure another patronus in the future. It was beautiful, it was... everything Hyuck wanted in the same scene.

Damn it, how he hated himself for the hastily made choices by his younger self.

“Well, I think we're done.” after managing to conjure the corporeal patronus, they spent a few good minutes until Donghyuck perfected the magic of sending messages through the little animal. It was a quicker process than the initial part, it didn't even take three attempts. After almost three weeks struggling with himself, spending thirty minutes mastering the art of sending messages was simple.

Too simple. Once they reached the goal, there was no more reason for them to be there, alone, without curious onlookers, without friends lurking around for a slip-up to officially get them back together, without the world distracting them from what was right there with them. It was the end of the semester, coming back from Christmas, they would only have a few more months before they parted ways for the last time. Mark was on a good path to the Auror Academy, he had a great track record, and with the former Chief of the Auror Department recommending him, he would surely be stuck in their training and routine for a few years before taking on the position.

Just like Donghyuck, who had been, along with his stepfather, exchanging letters with a potions master from the Most Extraordinary Society of Potion-Makers, planning meetings and a possible mentor after school. He would still work in the family apothecary, but he wanted much more than just being an average potion-maker. And he was chasing after it.

Merlim, we are really growing up.

“Thank you very much for lending me some of your time, hyung, but to be honest, I hope I never need tutoring again.” the confession at the end made Mark laugh, not at all offended.

“You're already very good working alone, Hae, I don't think you'll find another spell as complex to learn as this one.”

“May the heavens hear you, I really don't want to waste another spark of energy on something like this again.” sighing, he ended up yawning in the process, blinking his eyes slowly as he saw his vision starting to get blurrier than usual. With a non-verbal tempus, as he always did, unfairly attractive, Mark made a clicking sound with his tongue on the other side.

“We've passed curfew.”

“Wouldn't be the first time.”

“Well, but today it's Weasley and Zabini on patrol.” the names sent shivers down Hyuck's body, very accustomed to the gossip-monger from his house and the girl thirsty for handing out detentions. Especially to students from rival houses. Weasley wouldn't give him even two seconds before running off to accuse him to a professor, and she would certainly be patrolling the lower floors, waiting for any unsuspecting Slytherin.

“Would it be wrong of me to hope she got lost near the kitchen?”

“Lupin would certainly be very happy about that.”

“Damn, I could ask Jeno to make him go after his girlfriend... I bet she's patrolling the dungeons.”

“Do you still use the two-way mirror?”

Hyuck nodded, albeit with a grimace.

“Only in emergencies, but even if I wanted to, I left mine in the dormitory.” he grunted discontentedly, rolling off the pouffe and heading in the same direction as the Gryffindor, to grab his things and march to the lion's den.

With shoes on his feet and bag on his shoulder, Mark smiled at the sulking younger one by his side.

“Come on, I'll take you. There must be some privilege in being Head Boy, right?”

Feeling like he was fourteen again, Donghyuck followed Mark through the corridors. Their shoulders bumping along the way and with a comfortable silence surrounding them.

 

(...)

 

Donghyuck knew he wouldn't be able to escape his family Christmas. His mother wouldn't forgive his absence even if the Minister of Magic wrote a handwritten letter justifying and asking for understanding.

And as much as it hurt to be packing under Jaemin's annoyingly victorious gaze, he was internally relieved to have an excuse to backtrack on his decision. Spending Christmas alone at school wasn't something he wanted, and as embarrassing as it would be to encounter his former in-laws on Christmas Eve, he would survive it. It was nothing compared to the lecture Nana had given him when he found out about the letters written in red ink that Hyuck had been receiving from his mother. Again, there was no way to contradict Mrs. Lee.

Sitting in one of the middle compartments of the carriage, Hyuck had his legs on the bench where he sat, a blanket over them, and a book resting on his knees. Comfortable and very warm. The white-painted landscape outside only made him long for his home, his warm room, and the privacy he hadn't even remembered having since he was eleven.

Damn, who was he kidding? He missed home, his parents, his mother's warm embrace, and even living with Jeno. They saw each other at the castle, but the atmosphere at home was different; he truly felt like he had a brother there, not just an acquaintance from another house.

But that would go on the list of things he would never confess out loud.

"You know, you could try putting those books aside for a few minutes. It's vacation, let's rest.”

Looking up from the book he was reading, Donghyuck cast a bored look at Jaemin across the compartment; the other was holding a small bag full of sweets, eating them as if it were a meal and not just sugar of dubious origin.

"At least they're not school books, it's progress, isn't it?” he showed the cover to Nana; it was a Muggle romance novel. He had tried reading some fantasy books, but the way Muggles portrayed magic without even knowing part of it was terrifying. Only one or two managed to pique his curiosity, but they were very few.

"What's it about?

"Ah, well…” without realizing that he definitely didn't want to get into that subject precisely with Jaemin, Donghyuck bit his tongue for a few seconds. “It's just a silly romance.”

"If it's a childhood friends romance, I swear by Merlin that I'll lock you with Mark in a compartment and…”

Before he could say anything atrocious, the door to their compartment was opened with a bang, without knocks or anything to warn, making both of them jump in their seats. Standing in front of them was Jeno, who quickly lowered his amused smile and frowned upon seeing the duo with obviously guilty expressions, as if they had been caught red-handed. He eyed his brother up and down, lingering a bit on the book in his hands, and then looked at Jaemin, whose whole face was painted a glaring red.

"I don't know if I want to know or not, but when it comes to you guys, ignorance can be a blessing.”

Hyuck choked on a nervous laugh, forgetting the embarrassment and almost laughing at the way Jaemin retreated into his shell, standing erect in the opposite corner of the door, avoiding Jeno's gaze. Oh, what a situation.

"What do you need?”

"Ah, ah, ah, that.” he scratched his neck in embarrassment, suddenly acting as if he didn't know what to do. Donghyuck already knew that nothing good would come after the quick glance Jeno shot at Jaemin. “I'm going to apparate with Renjun, could you give Mark a hand? He still doesn't have much confidence in long distances, and honestly, I don't want to start Christmas with someone splinched.”

It was Jaemin's turn to choke out a laugh. Jeno didn't seem different, despite his neutral expression; you could see his eyes curving slightly into delicate half-moons. Damn them.

"Do you want me to accompany my ex-boyfriend to his house? Seriously, Lee Jeno?”

Jaemin now laughed without any filter, one hand over his mouth and the other on his stomach. Bastard.

"Well, it's not exactly to his house…”

Oh, for Merlin's sake. That couldn't be real.

"Why can't I take Renjun with me?”

"Because he's my boyfriend.”

Jaemin stopped laughing. Donghyuck hated himself for the twinge of satisfaction he felt at that. Served him right.

"Neno-yah, please... it's Christmas, you know? Do me this favour.”

"No way, I want to see Mom's face when you show up with him.” when Donghyuck made a move to get up to jump on the other's neck, the train jerked to a stop, throwing him back into the seat against his will. Jeno smiled, winking one eye, and left their compartment.

"Do you think I can skip this little Christmas gathering?”

Looking at the desolate friend across from him, Donghyuck shrugged.

"Dealing with the consequences of your actions is hard, isn't it?”

"Said the master of regretting the shit he does.”

"I have experience; I can speak on the subject.”

"Oh, shut up, go hold your ex-boyfriend's hand and disappear with him to your house, you jerk.”

"Jealous because my ex still talks to me without wishing me dead?”

"Go to hell!”

"See you there next week, love.”

With his trunk shrunk into the denim jacket he was wearing, Donghyuck bid his friend a proper farewell and ran to catch up with the others on the platform. Before reaching Jeno, he passed by Chenle's family, receiving hugs from the hufflepuff's parents, and even bumped into Jaemin's family, who welcomed him as if he were a blood Na and all. He lingered there for a while, finding only Mark near the Apparition point.

"Have they already left?”

"Yeah, they said they didn't want to miss the party.” the Canadian's cheeks were red; he knew exactly what Jeno was talking about.

"We can't escape this.”

"Hm.”

"If my mother comes to talk to you…”

"Don't worry, Hyuck, I'll make it clear that we're not thinking of getting back together.” he replied curtly, but still sounding as friendly as ever.

Not wanting to prolong that conversation any longer, Donghyuck reached out his arm to Mark. With a crack, they were facing the gates of the Lee estate. Everything seemed calm until then, but it didn't take long for someone to announce their arrival, and two heads appeared at the door, side by side, with wide smiles.

Donghyuck's mother and Mark's mother stood side by side, arms linked, smiling at them.

This Christmas would be so pleasant.

 

(...)

 

Donghyuck had a strong suspicion that something was going on behind his back. 

While talking to his cousin, Taeyong confessed to him that Mark's family had arrived for Christmas almost a whole week before them, and that both family matriarchs had been spending hours in one of the private rooms of the house, with soundproofing spells and all. Jeno's father even tried to intervene, afraid they were plotting some elaborate scheme, but ended up falling victim to a clever and childish prank orchestrated by Hyuck's mother, which left him with giant ears for a whole day.

They could deny it to death, but when Mimsy escorted Mark to the guest room across from Donghyuck's, it was clear to everyone that nothing would be a coincidence that holiday.

Mimsy claimed there was no other room for Mark, as that room had been his since childhood and, therefore, he would continue to use it now. Hyuck suspected that the house-elf had been present at their mothers' meetings; the little creature seemed very pleased to make comments about how well they had grown up and how she would love to prepare more romantic picnic baskets for them. Crafty little thing.

Even the seating at the dinner table was strategically arranged, with them sitting side by side at every meal, their elbows touching and exchanging shy requests for slices of pie.

On the afternoon of the second day, after a lunch where their parents, and even some traitorous cousins, dropped hints for them, Donghyuck pulled Jeno away from Renjun and dragged his brother to his room, ignoring their protests and those of the spoiled little boyfriend, forcing him to sit on his bed.

Jeno remained quiet, watching the other grab a beautiful and expensive pillow and punch it until some feathers were escaping from the seam.

“Two days and you're already losing your mind?”

“Argh! Why do they do this to me?! I just wanted a peaceful holiday!” before he could explode the pillow, Jeno gently took it from his hands, smiling adorably and guiding him to sit with him on the bed. After a moment of silence, with Jeno's fingers stroking Donghyuck's hands, he ended up yielding and falling into his brother's arms.

“It must be very suffocating, huh?”

“Mm-hmm.” he grumbled, setting aside his pride and hugging Jeno's waist, sniffing and whimpering. He missed home so much, his family with him, and especially Jeno.

Sighing, Jeno used one hand to stroke Hyuck's hair.

“Hyuck, can I ask you something?”

A grunt was the response, with Donghyuck's arms squeezing Jeno a little tighter. Jeno interpreted that as a positive sign.

“Why haven't you tried getting back with Mark yet, even though you want it more than anything?”

Silence.

Jeno sighed again, keeping his hands on Donghyuck's while trying to comfort him. He already expected not to be answered so easily. It was the kind of thing that only Jaemin, or Mark himself, would be able to get out of Donghyuck.

“I perfectly understand why you guys broke up, seriously, I know it seemed like the right decision at the time. But what doesn't make sense to me is why you're so reluctant to try again. You two are so obvious with your feelings, too obvious. You still look at Mark as if you were completely in love with him, as if you could drop everything for him, and, damn, he looks at you as if you were still his Sun. It's so obvious it's irritating. Why don't you just get back together? Why can't you admit that what happened back then was a mistake and try to fix it now? Isn't it easier to get off this tightrope and really try again?”

Again, no answers. But Jeno didn't care for them anyway.

Dinner that night was quieter than the previous one, the younger ones were quiet and the adults, despite their attempts, couldn't get much out of them. Taeyong managed to hold them off with his work news, not that hearing about the Wizarding Supreme Court was fun, but Johnny soon hijacked the conversation with his adventures in a dragon reserve in the Altai Mountains.

Without any more intentional embarrassments, the conversation flowed naturally, a Quidditch game was scheduled for the next day, followed by a movie round after dinner, a few more games, and finally, they moved on to another forbidden topic; Na Jaemin.

It was Jeno and Renjun's turn to be embarrassed in front of the whole family, and being on the other side, Donghyuck understood why they did this to him. There was a kind of sadistic pleasure in seeing them red and disoriented, desperate to run away from the table.

But Donghyuck knew he couldn't play with fire, so he just ate and kept quiet, afraid of being the next one in line for lynching.

“Na's boy is truly an exceptional lad.”

“I remember the roses he used to bring me when he was dating the boys. It was so nice being Nana's mother-in-law, such a sweetheart. Yoona raised him like a true nobleman. Ah, what a waste…”

Mark couldn't help but laugh, choking on a piece of roasted potato, desperately trying not to draw attention from the couple being attacked. Donghyuck felt the air of Renjun's kick to Mark's shin brush against his own, reflexively pulling his legs under the chair and keeping his head down, biting his lip to hold back laughter.

“Don't be like that, boys. You know we approve of your relationship. You're adorable together.”

“Mom...!”

“Oh, darling, don't be embarrassed. We know you still like Nana, even though he's not here.”

“Mom!”

“Look at the time! Mimsy!” the elf appeared with a pop, quickly adjusting the pink pillowcase with ribbons and turning to Sooyoung, Hyuck's mother, with her large eyes. “It's time for bed, dear, could you escort the boys to their rooms?”

“Of course, my lady.”

“Thank you very much, Mimsy.”

As if they were six years old, the chairs of the four were magically dragged away from the table, Mimsy leading the way and humming something about putting the babies to sleep, as bogeymen might find them.

There wasn't a single lucid being in that house.

With each in their own room, Mimsy disapparated again. Not surprisingly, Donghyuck heard one of the doors being opened and, shortly after, another door closing, this time closer to his room. Renjun didn't even bother pretending he was sleeping in the separate room for him.

Well, who could blame him? It was still early, it was cold, and there were no company in their rooms. Going after your boyfriend to talk under a warm blanket was completely understandable.

Donghyuck blinked, not letting himself think too much and sitting on the bed in a burst of impulse.

With his feet in slippers, he went to the door, casting a cautious glance down the hallway, making sure no one was around before crossing to the other side. He stared at the white door for a few seconds, wondering whether he was about to do something he would regret later. He knew he might regret it if something went wrong, but he also knew that if he did nothing, he would agonize over what could have been.

Between the regret of doing and not doing something, he chose the one that would at least bring him new traumas to process.

With his forehead against the wooden door, he raised his fist and knocked twice, quietly enough so that no one but them would hear. And when he was sure that not even Mark had heard them, ready to leave and forget that burst of courage in the middle of the night, the door opened with a soft click. There were no eyes peeking at him through the crack of the door, he supposed it was an automatic gesture with the wand, but that didn't diminish his anxiety.

Oh, Merlin, what the hell am I doing?

“I know it's you, Hae.”

Was he that predictable? Merlin, he needed to do something, change strategy, change life... how to surprise someone who knows him better than himself?

With muffled steps in his slippers, he entered the room.

Sitting in the middle of the double bed, with his back against the headboard and his legs stretched under the thick blanket, was Mark. He wore a winter pajama, just like Hyuck, his shirt noticeably more wrinkled and crooked, as if he had just put it on upon hearing the knock on the door. The round glasses were folded and secure on the bedside table, next to the wand and a copy of Grindelwald; Years of Ascension.

That was Mark's favorite version for Donghyuck. Just him, just Mark, no colorful ties, no authority badges, no school atmosphere, just Mark under the yellowish light of the room, casually comfortable amidst the same blankets they used as children. Just Mark.

“I might sound too confident, but I thought you'd come earlier.”

Hyuck felt his cheeks burning, but chuckled through his nose, unable to contain himself there. The whole scene was too cozy for him to insist on being tense and nervous.

“I'm too predictable for you, huh?”

“A bit, but it's hard to hide something from someone you've known for almost fourteen years.” brushing his hair away from his eyes, Mark gently tapped the empty space beside him. “Come on, I know you didn't come here to stand at the door.”

“Why not? The view is nice from here…” Donghyuck innocently commented, earning a wide smile from the other.

“Boy, come on over.”

With his heart pounding in his chest, Donghyuck obeyed. Throwing his slippers haphazardly on the floor and crawling until he was under the thick, warm, Mark-scented blanket. There, hidden from everyone, he sighed in relaxation, feeling the weight of the world lift off his shoulders. There were many worries circling him in the past few days: his grades, his family, his future, Mark, his friends and their complicated relationships, Mark... But there, none of it mattered. It was just him next to the person he would trust his life with eyes closed.

“Tired?” Donghyuck grunted affirmatively, pulling one of Mark's pillows to hug, stealing more than half of the blanket in the process, and snuggling even closer to the other's body, which radiated warmth as always, close enough for the Canadian to rest his hand on his hair, starting a very welcome caress. “You know, I was happy when I found out you were coming, Hae. I said I wouldn't try to convince you, but I hated the idea of you being alone on Christmas.”

“You just had to not leave me alone.”

Mark fell silent, his fingers working tenderly through the younger one's hair as he simply watched his peaceful face, partially hidden by the pillow.

“You just had to ask. I wouldn't leave you alone.”

Without thinking about the consequences, Donghyuck just grunted in satisfaction, curling even closer to Mark's warm body and allowing himself to fall asleep.

Notes:

Thank you for reading this far!

The next chapter will be posted within a week. It will just be this one and one more (I'm thinking about an extra, but I'm not sure yet), this fic is very short and more sugar-coated, without many twists or dramas, just markhyuck in the wizarding world. Hope you like it!