beautiful boy

by peachyybabe

Summary:

Remus stared across the room and didn't recognize the kid sitting at his kitchen table. His curls flat and his eyes sunken in, skin pale and clammy. That was not his boy.

or

The ups and downs and ups and downs of addiction.

Notes:

PLEASE READ THE TAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a beautiful boy au bc u guys asked and I love pain

Chapter 1: introduction

“We should get a divorce.”

Remus didn’t look up from the quizzes he was desperately trying to get graded before the deadline. His dream had always been to be a teacher and now that he was in it, he was overwhelmed. He struggled to balance work life with home life. He found himself staying at school late most nights and then coming home to a pissed off wife and a toddler who was already asleep, missing his dad who wasn’t home to read bedtime stories to him anymore

“Okay.”

“Okay? That’s it? You’re not going to try and fight it, stand up for our marriage?” Tonks was standing across the room with her arms crossed over her chest.

This got Remus to look up at her, giving her a ‘what do you want me to say’ look. “You just came into my office telling me you want a divorce. Did you want me to grovel at your feet, beg for you to change your mind?” Remus wasn’t an angry person, but he felt nothing but anger these days. He was exhausted, they were fighting all the time, he was angry.

Tonks looked at him but didn’t say anything. She looked disappointed, which almost made Remus laugh. He knew this was coming. They weren’t happy anymore.

“Love, our marriage has been over for a long time.”


It took them another three months before they both finally signed the papers and finalized the divorce. He knew it was horrible but there was weight lifted off his chest the first night he slept alone, the night Tonks finally took the last of her boxes and moved out.

Teddy, their son, was confused and sad but he was trying to be brave. Remus saw it on his face, the way he held back tears as he watched his mother leave.

The battle for custody was messy and long, but in the end the court sided with Remus. Teddy was able to stay with Remus for the school year and he’d go home for summer to live with Tonks, who moved to a town four hours away. They’d swap back on major holidays until Teddy was old enough to decide where he wanted to stay. Remus and Tonks weren’t allowed to persuade him in one way or another, he had to come to the decision on his own. Remus wanted nothing more than to keep him to himself, but Tonks was his mother. She wasn’t cruel, she loved him more than words could explain, she just wasn't a good wife. Remus wouldn't necessarily classify himself as a good husband either, but that’s neither here nor there.

It was odd, reflecting back on their marriage. At first Remus was relieved to be alone but as time went on, a small pit in his stomach began to form. Did he miss her? Sure, she was the love of his life at one point. They had a family together, they were married for four years. Did he want to get back together with her? Absolutely not.

He wasn’t sure what exactly happened, but it was like a switch had been turned and one day Remus woke up and realised that he was no longer in love with the women sleeping next to him. The mother of his child. His supposed best friend. Tonks must’ve felt it too, but they were both too cowardly to say anything for a long, long while.

They tried to keep their shit together, for Teddy’s sake, but there was no way to fully hide the yelling and slamming of doors when the fights got out of control. Remus would walk back into the living room to find Teddy looking up at him with wide, scared eyes. Remus would never forgive himself for putting his child through that.


At four years old, a few weeks after the divorce, Teddy finally spoke what was on his mind.

“Daddy?”

“Hm?” Remus was laying in bed next to Teddy, carting his fingers through his dark blonde curls and reading him a bedtime story.

“Does Mummy not love me anymore?”

Remus set the book down, his eyes wide at the question.

“What? No, of course not, Bug. She loves you very much. Why would you say that?”

“Why hasn’t she come home then? She left me here…”

“Oh, love…it’s not you she left, it’s me, okay? We…well…we weren’t happy together anymore and it was best for us to go our separate ways. It had nothing to do with you. We both love you so much, do you understand that?”

“I guess.” Teddy shrugged and fiddled with the edge of his stuffed dog he got when he was born. “I miss her.”

“I know, love.” I miss her too, Remus thought but would never say out loud.


When Teddy had just turned five, Remus quit his job. He had tried to keep up with being a teacher but the longer he did it, the longer he realised it didn’t make him happy. He loved reading, writing, and teaching but he just didn’t like it in the school setting. He was working with twelve year olds who didn’t listen, who weren’t interested, and who made it their personal mission to make everyday a living hell for Remus. He was unhappy, which seemed to be a common theme the last few months.

“You need to get out of the house.”

“And do what, Marls? I have an almost five year old, I’m jobless, and I have absolutely no motivation to do anything with my life.” Remus was sitting out on the back porch, smoking his third cigarette of the night. He promised he’d quit when Teddy was born but then the divorce happened and all of a sudden nothing in life seemed more appealing than a shity cigarette. He promised himself again he’d quit when Teddy got a little older and started asking questions about them.

“Get a babysitter.” Marlene, his best friend since university, said as if it was the easiest thing in the world. Remus didn’t have a ton of extra money to spend right now and he got nervous leaving Teddy alone. He’d wished he could just ask his Mum but they were about an hour drive apart. His parents still lived in Cardiff and he had moved to Bristol for university and then settled down once he and Tonks had gotten married. He didn’t mind where he lived, but he missed home. He wondered if it would be traumatizing to pick Teddy’s entire life up and move them back to Wales after already going through the trauma of watching his parents divorce and leave each other. He figured Tonks wouldn’t like it, given she was already far from Teddy. She moved to Glascow, a two hour flight away and Cardiff would be closer to seven. It wasn’t fair to Teddy, who would have to be traveling on his own to get to her.

“I don’t want a–”

“Remus. You need to get out of the house, just for the night. Come to a pub with me and the girls.”

The girls were her best friend, Mary, and her girlfriend Dorcas. They had all been roommates in university and somehow managed to survive the first year without biting each other's heads off. Remus’ roommate was a bit of a rat and he was glad to be rid of him on moving out day. Remus deleted his number the second he could and never looked back. It was a miracle the three girls still had a bond this strong, all these years later.

“What about–”

“Get. A. Babysitter.” Marlene emphasized each word and Remus just groaned, mumbling out a nonsense response before hanging up the phone.

*

“I feel stupid.” Remus fiddled with the edge of his sweater, feeling entirely too warm to be dressed like this. Wrong time of year and wrong setting, but he wasn’t sure what better outfits he had for a club outing with old university friends on a random Tuesday evening.

“Well you are stupid with that attitude. C’mon, Lupin. You need to loosen up. It’s just going to be us and one of my coworkers. He’s great and super fucking hot.” Marlene stood on her toes and ruffled his curls. “Which is saying something, given I’m a flaming hot lesbian.”

“Is that what this is? Are you trying to set me up?” A few months ago Marlene tried to get him to go on a date with her brother’s roommate and it ended with an awkward one night stand and a hickey he couldn’t get off his neck for a week.

“Not necessarily, I really do just think you two would hit it off. If you snog a little or fall in love, well–” She paused with a shrug, holding open the door for Remus.

Remus rolled her eyes at her less than subtle attempts to get him back into the dating world. He had his time to process the divorce, long before the divorce even happened, but it still felt odd to date. He was content alone, happy even. He had his son and he had the opportunity to start any job he wanted to try, no longer tied to a shitty school system and bratty students. He didn’t think he wanted to go back to school for a different degree, but the idea was that he could, if he really wanted to.

“Remus, this is Sirius.” Marlene motioned over to the boy sitting next to Dorcas and Mary. Remus felt his heart stutter for a moment, his brain resetting as it took in the beautiful sight in front of him. He had seen pretty people before, but this man was stunning. He had long black hair cascading past his shoulders and wore a hand cropped band t-shirt with black jeans. It was hard to tell in this light, but Remus noticed a little eyeliner and some glitter smeared around his eyes and all of a sudden his sweater was feeling stupider and stupider by the minute. 

“Earth to Remus.” Marlene snapped her fingers in front of his face impatiently, causing Remus to blink a few times before he held out his hand.

“Sorry, spaced for a second.” He gave the man, Sirius, a smile. “Remus, nice to meet you.”

“Pleasures all mine.” Sirius grinned and squeezed Remus’ hand back.

*

“Please tell me you didn’t actually fill her office with mouse traps?” Remus was clutching onto his stomach from laughing so hard, a cigarette burning between his finger tips.

“We did! Prongs was an idiot though and ended up stepping on two of them on our way out. The prank was hardly our best one but seeing Prongs be an idiot made it one of my favorite memories. He still has–” Sirius paused and awkwardly cleared his throat, bringing his own cigarette to his lip before taking a quick drag. “The scars from the trap lasted a long time.”

“I bet.” Remus and Sirius had snuck out of the bar about twenty minutes ago, the air in the room too stuffy and the music too loud. Remus was freshly twenty five and yet he felt eighty sometimes. Usually he’d be asleep in bed by this point, not with some stranger sitting on the ground and smoking out front of a pub.

“What about you? Did you get into any trouble?”

“Oh, no. Not really.” Remus took one final drag of his cigarette before smashing it out on the ground. “I was homeschooled. Hard to play pranks on anyone when your only teacher is  your mum and your only classmate is a cat.”

“I don’t know, James and I played pranks on our mum from time to time.”

“You’re brothers? I thought you said you met him at school?”

“I did. We’re like brothers. His family took me in when I was sixteen and I’ve been calling them Mum and Dad since.”

“That’s nice of them.” Remus was nosy, he wanted to ask what sixteen year old got adopted by his friends at that age, but he didn’t want to pry. Sirius didn’t owe him any explanation, no more than Remus owed him anything.

He felt he was keeping a secret himself, having not mentioned Teddy once. Sirius didn’t even know he was a father, much less a recently divorced father who was now jobless and having a minor quarter-life crisis. He loved Teddy more than anything, but he also didn’t want to scare Sirius away. He was having a nice time and he knew not everyone took kindly to kids. It made things feel too serious, too real. It was hard to be casual with someone when Remus couldn’t spend the night at their house and they most definitely couldn’t spend the night at his.

He felt guilty even being out tonight, leaving Teddy alone with one of the neighbor’s daughters. She was a sweet girl, sixteen and very excited about having a job for the night. Teddy loved hanging out with her but Teddy also loved a routine. He loved having Remus tuck him into bed and read him a bedtime story, loved having Remus just down the hall as he slept. Instead, Remus was halfway across town and there was a stranger in his house watching over his little boy.

“Remus?”

“Hm?” Sirius’ cigarette was out now too, his cheeks flushed red from the cool breeze outside.

“Can I kiss you? I really want to kiss you.”

Remus felt butterflies swarm in his stomach as he nodded, leaning in halfway to meet Sirius. Their lips touched and it felt exactly the way Remus would’ve imagined. Soft, gentle, but eager all the same. Sirius tasted like his chapstick and left over smoke, his skin smooth underneath Remus’ touch. Remus kept one hand on his waist and the other coming up to cup his cheek, being cautious to leave a little room in case the other man wanted to back out.

They stayed like this for a while, the kiss eventually growing more intense and Sirius practically straddling Remus’ lap. Remus was half tempted to get him off right here and now, but he figured he shouldn’t go all the way tonight. As hot and bothered as he was, he didn’t want to fuck Sirus here. He wanted somewhere nicer, somewhere where they could take their time and explore one another's bodies. Somewhere that they–

“Lupin?” The door swung open and both men jumped apart, a string of spit between them. Sirius wiped it away, his lips plump and red and a smirk on his face. Remus felt partially mortified, as if they had just been walked in on by one of their mother’s, but he was an adult and Marlene wanted this to happen.

“Oh my god I thought you abandoned me to go back home. This whole time you’ve been out here sucking face?!” Marlene laughed loudly, clearly drunk.

“God, Marlene. Don’t say it like that.”

“I mean–” She waved her hands excitedly at the two as Sirius got off of Remus’ lap and slumped back against the wall, a shit eating grin on his face.

“Did you need something?” Remus wiped subconsciously at his face, as if he could wipe away the blush and any evidence of what they had been doing.

“Yeah, we’re heading out. You told me we needed to leave before midnight.”

Remus glanced down at his watch. 11:48pm. How the hell was it already past eleven?! He swore it was nine last time he checked. He told Lucy, the babysitter, he’d be back by twelve and he lived a good twenty minutes away.

“Fuck, Marls. Why didn’t you find me sooner? We have to go.” Remus hopped up and rushed to the door, freezing when he remembered why it was he came out here in the first place.

“Can I have your number? Email? Fucking…address, I don’t care. I want to see you again.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Sirius nodded and dug around in his inner jacket pocket to pull out a receipt and eyeliner. He scribbled down his number before handing it over. “I’d like that.”

“Good.” Remus nodded and Marlene tugged on his arm. “Yeah, Uh…good. Yeah.” he nodded and laughed at his own awkwardness. “I do have to go but… I’ll–” He held up the receipt and waved it around. “Yeah, I’ll call you.” He smiled and Sirius gave him a wave goodbye, biting back a smile as Marlene dragged Remus through the door.

Back home, Remus paid Lucy out and bid her a goodnight, watching to make sure she made it across the street safely before closing his front door. He hadn’t had much to drink, but his mind felt dizzy as he made it up the steps.

He stripped out of his sweater, not wanting to drag in too much cigarette smoke into Teddy’s room. He peeked his head in, took in the sight of his sleeping boy, and then quietly crept in all the way. His night light was on and there were three books on his nightstand, which made Remus smile. Teddy did a good job at convincing Lucy to read to him tonight, it seems.

He knelt down by Teddy’s bed and gently pushed back his curls. Teddy only stirred, but didn’t fully wake up.

“Goodnight, my love.” He whispered, bending down to place a kiss on the top of Teddy’s head.

*

“Who are you smiling at?” Poppy was reshelving some old books while Remus leaned against the front counter, smiling down at his phone.

S: I’m excited to see you tonight, did the dishes and cleaned the sheets just for you xx
R: Feeling rather hopeful, are we?
S: ;) See you soon.

It had been just over two weeks since the night at the club, Sirius and Remus talking with each other as much as they possibly could while also navigating their boring adult lives. Remus still hadn’t told him about Teddy but he was going to tonight, even if it meant this whole thing came crashing down. Teddy was at his mum’s house for spring break so Remus had five whole days to himself. Five whole days where he didn’t need to worry about a babysitter or if Teddy was sleeping okay while Remus was out.

He and Sirius had gone on a few dates, though always during the day while Teddy was in daycare. They weren’t able to have a proper dinner date until tonight. Remus’ bag was already packed and waiting for him. He too felt rather hopeful he’d be staying the night, assuming the whole kid thing was okay.

“Sirius.”

“Oh, your lover boy, hm?” Poppy smiled and Remus blushed, shoving his phone into his pocket.

“Please don’t call him that, I hear enough shit from Marlene.”

“I haven’t seen you like this in a very long time, dear.” Poppy stepped off the ladder she was on, walking over to Remus and gently cupping his cheek. “I’m very happy you’ve found someone who makes you happy.”

“Hmm…” Remus nodded and took in a deep breath, leaning into her touch. Poppy was like a second mother to him, having essentially adopted him and his whole friend group when they were in UNI. This was Remus’ favorite bookstore, Teddy’s too, and Poppy was an angel. She was kind, thoughtful, funny, and always had Remus’ back. She helped him through the breakup the most, besides his own mother of course. She watched Teddy on the days Remus just needed a day off to cry and she brought him warm, home cooked meals on the nights he didn’t have the energy to feed himself. So of course he told her about Sirius the day after it happened.

“I’m going to tell him about Ted tonight. I really like Sirius and if he doesn’t want to continue because I have a kid, I would rather end it for us both right now.”

“I think that’s a wonderful idea and I think, given all you’ve told me about him, he sounds like he won’t have an issue at all. If there is, then you know he wasn’t the one for you.”

Remus felt a little silly talking about this, given how little they had actually known each other. He knew Tonks for over a year before they got together. He didn’t do things fast. Things with Sirius were moving fast and yet, he didn’t want to stop it.

“Maybe this isn’t the best timing, but I was wondering if I could talk to you about something? Before you head out for your date?” Poppy was making her way to her office, Remus following immediately. He felt his heart pound hard against his chest as he plopped down on the office couch. He looked around the room he had been in a billion times, everything suddenly feeling very new and not comforting.

“What’s going on?” Remus didn’t handle bad news well, this has been true since he was a little kid. It threw a wrench in his plans and he didn’t like the change. It’s one of the reasons it took him so long to get divorced and quit his shitty job.

“Minnie and I have decided it’s time I retire.”

“What?!” Remus shot back up to his feet, looking at her as if she was crazy. “You can’t retire. You’re not even old!”

“You flatter me, dear.” She chuckled, motioning for him to sit back down. Remus took a second before slowly sinking back onto the edge of the couch. “I’ve been running this store a long time and we think it’s best we move onto the next chapter of our life. It took a lot of convincing, but I finally agree with her. I’d like to see my wife for more than two hours a day.” Poppy worked the store alone from 9am to 6pm Monday through Saturday and Minerva, her wife, was a primary school teacher. They were both busy and Poppy had been complaining more and more about how hard it was to be apart everyday.

“What are you going to do with the shop? You can’t just sell it to some stranger.”

“I’m not.” She shook her head, giving Remus a soft smile. “I want you to take over.”

“Me?!” Remus was on his feet again, dizzy from all the up and down movement.

“Yes, you. Our most loyal patron.” She chuckled, but Remus couldn’t figure out the humor in her joke. “You know this store better than I do at this point. You know how to handle orders, you know how to work the till, you know all the regulars. You and Teddy both love this place, I’m pretty sure you’d both move in if you could.” She wasn’t wrong. Remus was a huge reader and Teddy followed in his footsteps. He has taken him here at least twice a week every week since the first week he was born.

“Poppy, I–”

“I know you don’t know how to run a shop. I’d help you with it and wouldn’t leave until you felt confident. You can adjust the hours to better meet whatever needs you have and you can of course bring Teddy here with you whenever you want. I know you’ve been looking for a job and I think you’d be a wonderful owner. I think you know more about books than even I do at this point. The place needs a new change, Remus, and I want you to be that change.”

*

“So she just offered you the job?” Sirius was leaning back in his chair, eyes wide as Remus retold him everything that happened.

“Mhm.”

“And?”

“And I’m insane and I said yes.”

“What!” Sirius sat forward in his chair, placing his wine glass down. He flashed Remus a huge smile, reaching his hand across the table to grab onto Remus’. “That’s wonderful! Are you excited?”

“Terrified.” Remus squeezed back and chuckled. It was a no brainer to say yes, though in the moment he felt insane for it. Now that he’s had some time to think, he couldn't imagine a better job. He could make his own hours, bring Teddy to work, and be in a place he was passionate about. He could even work more on writing, during any free time he had at the store. “But I’m excited. We talked for a long time and I’m feeling better about it now than when she first told me. I truly thought I was dreaming for a minute there.”

“I can’t even imagine…wow…” Sirius brought the glass of wine back to his lips, taking a sip before setting it back down. “When do you start?”

Remus shrugged. There was no rush, but she did tell him she wanted him to enjoy his child free week to himself before going back into work, as he so rarely got any time to himself. “I think we’ll talk about things again next week, gives me a few days to sit with it and start sorting through some paperwork. It’ll be a huge adjustment for me, I think she wants me to take it slow so I don’t get overwhelmed and leave.”

“I’m happy for you, Remus. I think it’s going to be a really great fit.” Remus wanted to kiss him. “And now I get to bother you more often. I can always come up with an excuse for a book.” Remus needed to kiss him. He pushed himself up from the chair and knelt in front of Sirius, his hands going to his thighs. Sirius was the one to bend down and connect their lips, an eager moan coming out of his lips when Remus’ grip tightened on his thighs.

They abandoned the table and made it to Sirius’ room rather quickly. They had kissed but never gone farther, though Remus wasn’t opposed if they did. It was just that they hadn’t been in an environment that would’ve allowed them to go further until tonight.

Remus was reaching towards the hem of Sirius’ shirt, causing the man beneath him to tense up.

“What? Do you not want it off?”

“No I do, it's just…” Sirius suddenly looked very nervous and Remus moved, sitting back on his heels to give him some space.

“I sorta…uh…need to tell you something if we want to have sex.”

“Go on.” Remus, for how anxious of a person he was, didn’t feel nervous at this moment. He felt the urge to protect Sirius, wanting to wipe the fear off of his face. There was nothing he could say that would change his perception of him. He was gorgeous, loving, kind, funny, compassionate. Remus didn’t care about the rest.

“I’m trans.” Sirius said, barely giving Remus time to process it before he continued. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I know it probably feels like I’ve been deceitful, I just have to be careful who I tell. It’s not an accepting place and–”

“Hey. Hey, take a breath. It’s okay.” Remus reached forward and cupped one of Sirius’ cheeks, giving him a gentle smile. “Thank you for telling me.”

“You still uh…you still want to have sex?”

“Yes.” Remus nodded and made move to crawl back on top of Sirius again.

“And you’re not mad?”

“Not mad.” Remus shook his head, reaching down for the hem of his shirt again. This time, Sirius lifted his arms up and helped wiggle himself free. “Not mad at all.” Remus whispered, taking in the beauty that was Sirius Black underneath him.

*

Afterwards, when they were sweaty and blissed out, Remus felt the guilt creep back in. He had to tell Sirius. The plan was to tell him at dinner and now it was well past and they had had sex and Sirius shared a personal secret about himself and and and–

Remus felt scared. He didn’t want this to all go to shit if Sirius didn’t like kids or he didn’t want to be with someone who was already a father.

“Are you going to stay?” Sirius whispered, tracing his finger over Remus’ chest and drawing some sort of shape over and over again.

“If you’ll let me.”

“Yes. Though I fear we may have made the sheets dirty again, after all the hard work I went to clean them.”

Remus chuckled at this, his arm tightening around Sirius’ shoulder. “I need to tell you something first, before we settle in for the night.”

“Hm?”

“I have a kid.” Like Sirius’ confession, Remus didn’t allow him to speak. “His name is Teddy, he just turned five years old last week. I’m not with his mother anymore and right now he’s visiting her for the week, hence why I’m able to actually spend the night. He’s great and he’s my whole world, I just got nervous to tell you. I know it changes the dynamic, so I had to tell you. I really like you, Sirius, and I really hope we can keep seeing each other.”

The silence was long and awkward and Remus was kicking himself for saying anything. Maybe Poppy was right. Maybe Sirius wasn’t the one for him.

“I have a kid too.” Sirius finally said, slowly pushing himself up so he could look at Remus. “He’s at a sleepover right now, hence why I can have you spend the night.”

“He…you…you have a kid?”

“Yeah. Well, godson. His name is Harry, he turns seven this summer. His parents passed away two years ago in a car crash so he’s been living with me ever since.”

“Fuck. I’m so sorry, Sirius. I can’t imagine.” Suddenly the slip up from their first night together made more sense. It broke his heart to know all the stories he heard about James was of someone who no longer existed.

“It’s been hard. I’ve been scared to tell you too, for the same reason. I didn’t want to scare you off.”

“Not scaring me off, making me feel quite relieved actually.” Remus reached forward to grip Sirius’ hand, the other man giving it a squeeze in return. “Why is your house spotless, then? No matter how much I clean, it’s always clear that a toddler lives there.”

“Trust me, you do not want to open the door across the hall. Harry’s room is a mess and I spent extra long today cleaning the rest of the house to make it seem like I have my shit together. This is the last time you’ll see it in this state.” Sirius laughed and met Remus’ eyes. “Thank you for telling me about Teddy, this doesn’t change anything.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Does me having Harry change anything?”

“Not at all.” Remus leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to Sirius’ forehead.

Chapter 2: new family

Summary:

ty to ariel (best friend!!!) for helping me name the puppy hehe!!

It took three months of dating before Remus finally brought Sirius up to Teddy. He had told Teddy he had made a new friend but he didn’t say more than that, nor did he allow them to meet yet. He liked Sirius, maybe even loved, but he didn’t want to fuck anything up for his son. He didn’t want things to move too fast and he didn’t want to introduce someone important into Teddy’s life if there was even a small chance things could go awry.

Sirius was on the same page with Harry. They had agreed today would be the day to tell the boys though and, tonight if all went well, Sirius and Harry would come over for dinner. Sirius wasn’t planning to stay the night, just a quick introductory dinner to test the waters out.

“Teds, can I talk to you for a minute?” Teddy was sitting on the counter by the till, his little legs dangling and swinging over the edge. He had a book opened on his lap and lollipop in his mouth, a combination that made Remus’ skin crawl. Teddy wasn’t allowed to eat near the books but he technically was away and this was his book. Remus wasn’t even sure where he found the lolly, but he had to choose his battles wisely.

“Yes.” Teddy looked up from the book, his lips beginning to tint purple from the lolly.

“You know my friend, Sirius? The one who I’ve been hanging out with sometimes?”

“Mhm.” Teddy nodded, his legs still swinging.

“Well, Sirius and I are a little more than friends.” It felt odd telling his five year old about relationships, as Teddy’s only example is of him and Tonks. He knew Marlene and Dorcas and Minnie and Poppy, but it wasn’t the same. Remus wasn’t sure he fully understood their dynamics anymore than he understood friendships.

“How?”

“Well, Sirius and I are dating. Do you know what that is?”

“Mhm.”

“Oh? Can you tell me what it is.” They’ve played this game before, where Teddy is sure he knows what he’s talking about until he goes to explain it back to Remus.

“It means you hold hands and kiss.” Teddy looked back down at his book, as if this conversation was boring him.

Remus bit back a smile. Oh to be five years old again.

“Mhm, that’s part of it. Are you okay with it? I want you to meet Sirius. He has a godson your age, Harry, who I want you to meet as well. I think the two of you will get along.”

“Yeah!” This got Teddy’s attention again, a smile on his face. “I love meeting friends!”

“I know you do, buddy. They’re going to come over for dinner tonight, is that okay? You can show Harry your room and share some of your toys while Sirius and I cook dinner?”

“Okay, as long as he doesn’t break my legos.”

“He won’t break your legos.” Remus promised and just like that, the truth was out. He still had to tell Tonks, but that was a conversation for another evening.

*

That evening, after hearing from Sirius that all went well with Harry, Remus was in the kitchen preparing a snack for Teddy. He was already complaining about being hungry and it wasn’t worth the tantrum of telling him they were going to be having dinner soon.

“Will they be here long?”

“Just for dinner, love.” Remus walked over with the plate of cut up apples and cheese slices, putting it on the table in front of his son. His beautiful, kind, loving, son. Remus wasn’t sure how he got so lucky to have him. “Maybe dessert too, if they want to stay.”

Teddy perked up at the mention of dessert, but was cut off from saying anything, the doorbell ringing through the house.

Remus ruffled Teddy’s hair on his way to the door, suddenly very nervous. If the boys didn’t get along, then this whole thing was off. No matter what he felt for Sirius, Teddy came first. Harry, too, for that matter.

He opened up the door and was met with a smiling Sirius and a boy who looked nothing like him. He had dark skin, a mop of black messy curls, emerald green eyes, and wore round, gold rimmed glasses. He looked exactly like the photos of James that Sirius had shown him.

“Hi, you must be Harry.” Remus held out his hand, the younger boy taking it and shaking it tentatively. Sirius always talked about how energetic Harry was, how he could never sit still or keep his thoughts in order. Remus wondered how long it would take for him to open up and feel comfortable around him.

“Mhm. Nice to meet you.”

Remus smiled and looked back up at Sirius, resisting the urge to kiss him in greeting. They were taking baby steps right now, not wanting to overwhelm Harry or Teddy.

“Hi to you, too. You look nice.” Remus stepped out of the way to let them both in.

“You flatter me. I came straight from the studio so I’m slightly covered in paint, you’ll have to ignore it.”

“Oh, I suppose I can do that.” Remus sighed dramatically, leading them both into the kitchen where Teddy was still munching away on his snack.

“Harry, Sirius, this is Teddy.” Teddy turned around in his chair at the mention of his name, giving a small wave to both of them.

“Hi, nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too. I like your shirt.” Harry pointed at Teddy’s dinosaur t-shirt. “Do you have a favorite dinosaur?”

“Yeah! I like brachiosaurus’! They have really long necks and can live up to a hundred years.”

“Wicked.” Harry smiled, eyes wide in awe. He abandoned Sirius’ side immediately and went to go sit with Teddy at the table, his hesitation left at the door.

*

Things with Sirius and Harry progressed nicely. They came over a few times a week and had their first sleepover a month into meeting. Remus could hardly sleep that night, tossing and turning and keeping Sirius up with his “what if they hate each other” questions. They didn’t hate each other. Both boys were quite fond of one another and Teddy loved having a new friend around. Growing up an only child, Remus often felt guilty about the lack of social life Teddy had. He never wanted more than one kid though. Teddy was only just starting kindergarten next month, so he didn’t have many friends yet either. Watching Harry with Teddy made his heart explode.

His love for Sirius only grew with passing time, too. They said it to each other for the first time the other night, sweaty after fucking and curled around one another in bed. Remus didn't think he’d ever be able to tell someone those three words again, but they rolled off his tongue easily with Sirius. Everything was easier with Sirius.

It was October now, the trees orange with the changing seasons and the wind a cruel reminder winter was soon. Remus loved the colder seasons, but his body always ached a little more and he grew more tired during the days.

Remus was propped up in bed, a book in his lap, while Sirius laid next to him, still asleep. This is how most mornings went when they would spend the night together. Remus was used to getting up early for the shop and Sirius took any opportunity he could to sleep in.

It was Sunday today, the bookstore closed, and Harry and Teddy asleep down the hall. It was peaceful, something Remus forgot to soak in. He was so used to being busy it was hard for him to just relax.

There was a soft knock on the door and a moment later Teddy poked his head in, looking at the bed to assess the situation. Remus always reminded Teddy he could come to him, even if the door was shut or Sirius was spending the night. Remus wouldn’t be one of those parents who started cutting out his kid just because he had someone over.

“Daddy?”

“Hm?”

“Can we have breakfast?”

Remus glanced at the clock, surprised to see it was already almost 9am. Usually the boys were up and about closer to 7:30 or 8.

“Yes, my love.” Remus gave Teddy a small smile before he shut his book, bent down to kiss the top of Sirius’ head, and snuck out of the bed.

*

Teddy was sitting on the counter, swinging his legs back and forth while Harry sat at the table, playing with some of his toys. Most mornings they’d have a quick breakfast, but on Sundays he liked to cook something more special. On the menu today was chocolate chip pancakes.

“Daddy?”

“Hm?” Remus was stirring the batter, watching the chocolate chips blend into the creamy mix. His coffee was brewing beside him so his brain wasn’t really on quite yet.
“Why does Sirius have scars?”

He froze at the question, setting the spoon down and turning to face his son.

“What do you mean?”

“He has–” Teddy motioned to his chest, pointing to where Sirius’ surgery scars were. “I saw them when I went to wake you up. Is he hurt?”

“No, love. They’re from a surgery. He’s not hurt.”

“What surgery?”

Remus was open to telling his child anything, feeling like kids should be taught about these sorts of things at a young age. He just wasn’t sure how to explain it all to a five year old. Teddy was loving and accepting, but he was still young and wouldn’t quite understand.

“Well…sometimes people get born into the wrong body. I was born into this body and I’m a boy, and I'm really happy with that.” Remus waited for Teddy to nod before continuing. “And sometimes people get born into the wrong body and they’re not happy with that. Sirius was born in the wrong body and he had surgery to help him fit into the right one.” Oversimplification but it seemed to do the trick all the same. Teddy nodded, pondering this new information.

“Am I born in the wrong body?”

“Are you happy in your body?”

“Yes.”

“Then no, you weren’t. You can always change your mind later though, there’s no right or wrong way to be. What’s important is that you feel happy and comfortable with yourself, no matter what, okay?”

“Okay, daddy.”

Remus leaned forward and kissed the top of Teddy’s head. If Sirius wanted to explain more, he could do so, but Remus wasn’t going to overstep. He didn’t even know how much Harry knew.

“Love you, Bug.”

“Love you!” Teddy replied and went back to swinging his legs, his feet hitting the cabinets below.

*

Christmas day was a somber affair this year.  This was the first Christmas that Teddy would be away from him, Tonks getting custody of him this year. It made sense, as Teddy spent the first summer with him. Starting next year, Teddy would be spending his whole summer with Tonks, but they wanted to give him an easier transition for the first year. He enjoyed the warm, summer days he got with his boy, but he missed him now on the wintery cold morning of December 25.

“Moony…” Sirius whispered, the stupid nickname causing Remus to smile, despite his mood. “No being sad on Christmas.”

“I just miss him.” Remus whispered, staring up at the ceiling. Sirius was looking over at him, reaching over to run his fingers through his curls.

“I know, love. You’ll call later though, yeah? For now we get to spend Christmas with a very excited eight year old, then I’ll make us some breakfast, and then before you know it it’ll be 1pm and you’ll be able to call. M’sure Teddy can’t wait to speak to you.”

“Mm…” Remus let his eyes flutter shut, leaning into Sirius’ touch. “I’m scared I’m fucking him up with this whole thing. Making him fly by himself, having him travel back and forth between two homes.”

“What other options were there? It was either this or one of you would never get to see him again, and that would be so much worse.”

“I know but…I…I just feel bad. He’s just a kid, he…he didn’t choose this. It was me and his mother’s stupid decision to get married in the first place.”

“Yes, but without that stupid decision you would never have had Teddy.”

It was the reminder that kept him going, on the days the guilt overwhelmed him. During the moments he had to watch Teddy step on the plane with tears in his eyes, begging his dad not to make him go, he’d remind himself of this. Their marriage wasn’t great but it produced the best thing to walk this planet. One day, Remus would take all of Teddy’s pain away, make up for all the trouble he put him through as a kid. One day he would make it all better.

They only laid in bed for ten more minutes before Harry came barreling in and demanding they both get up so they could open presents.

As always, Sirius spoiled the hell out of Harry, nearly all the presents underneath the tree for him. There were a few for Teddy, which they would open together when he returned, one for Remus’ parents, and three for Remus. In return, Remus had three presents for Sirius, four for Harry, and one gift that came from his parents. 

The morning was a lovely, peaceful sort of thing. Harry was bouncing off the walls in excitement of his new toys, the house smelt of fresh coffee cake cooking in the oven, and the room was filled with the sounds of Christmas music.

Sirius twirled Remus around the kitchen, singing off tune to the song while Harry danced around them, laughing loudly. It was perfect, just missing one thing. One Teddy-shaped thing.

*

One rolled around and Remus excused himself upstairs while Harry and Sirius continued to play with Harry’s new game.

His phone rang at exactly 1pm. He picked it up immediately, pressing the phone to his ear.

“Happy Christmas Daddy!” Teddy beamed down the line and Rmeus wanted to cry. He was having a nice Christmas here but he missed his son. Opening gifts a week later wouldn’t be the same, they all knew that.

“Happy Christmas, Bug! Have you had a good day?”

“Yes! Father Christmas came and I got lots of gifts! Mummy and I made breakfast together and she said later we can make Christmas cookies together!”

“That sounds lovely! What type of cookies?”

“Tree ones.”

“Tree ones?”

“Yeah! They’re going to be shaped like trees and we have glittery sprinkles!”

Remus smiled, sitting on the edge of his bed. 

“Those sound delicious! Tell me about your gifts?” And Teddy did.

*

December bled into the new year and then into spring, Remus and Teddy’s birthdays passing by in a blur. Teddy was born three days after Remus’ birthday, so they do a small joint celebration together every year. At this age, Teddy enjoyed it, but Remus knew one day he’d demand his own day, his own party, his own time to shine. For now though, he enjoyed sitting on Remus’ lap and blowing out the candles on the cake together.

That night, after Teddy and Harry had been put to bed (in a hand made fort in the living room), Sirius and Remus were tucked up into their own bed.

“Rem?”

“Hm?” Remus was practically asleep, zoned out to the repetition of Sirius’ fingers tracing up and down his bare back.

“I want to live with you.”

This woke him up. He rolled over and opened his eyes, looking at Sirius as if he had never heard something so silly before. They spent most nights together anyway, either at Sirius’ or here, it wasn’t a huge stretch. Teddy and Harry liked sharing a room, but they had space here to give Harry his own room if they did live together. The house did feel extra lonely when Sirius and Harry went home, something Remus felt too scared to admit out loud. They had been together a year in two weeks, the timing was perfect, things were going great, and yet Remus was still scared. Scared he’d somehow fuck things up again.

“You’re very quiet.” Sirius chuckled awkwardly and looked nervous. Remus wanted to punch himself.

“No, no. Sorry. I…yes. Yes I want to live with you, of course I do.” Remus sat up and pushed his hair out of his eyes. “It just surprised me, is all.”

“You want to?”

“Yes of course I do. I love you and Harry and I love having you around. Not to presume, but if you move in here there’s an extra room for Harry already and you can change my office into an art studio for yourself, since I don’t really need my office anymore.”

Sirius broke out into a huge grin, reaching forward to cup both of Remus’ cheeks.

“Okay.” He grinned and Remus matched him, his heart pounding hard against his chest. “Yes, let’s do it.”

“I want to talk with Teddy first, before we tell them together, yeah? You need to talk with Harry too. I know we get the final say but I want this to be good for all of us.”

“Harry asked me five months ago why we didn’t live together.” Sirius admitted, his cheeks filling with a faint blush.

“He did?”

“Mhm…didn’t even know what to tell him. I had the exact same question, but I didn’t want to rush things.”

Remus laughed at this, feeling suddenly very giddy. He knew this was inevitable, but it still felt slightly surreal. After Tonks left he didn’t think he’d ever find another relationship, didn’t even know if he wanted one. Now he had it and it was beautiful. Perfect. Everything he ever wanted.

*

“Teddy.” Remus rapped his knuckles on the door to his son’s room. Teddy looked up from where he was sitting on the floor, toys spread everywhere.

“Yes?”

“Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Yes.”

Remus walked in and, despite his achy joints, sat down on the floor across from his son. He picked up one of the action figures and absentmindedly fiddled with it. For some reason, breaking news to his son was always harder than anyone else. His mum was thrilled when he told her about them moving in. Pomfrey and Minnie wanted to celebrate by taking them out to dinner. Marlene had a massive “I told you so. I’m such a perfect matchmaker moment”. Teddy’s reaction meant more to him than anything else though.

“Sirius and Harry are going to be moving in with us.” Remus paused, allowing Teddy to react but he hardly did. “Sirius will share my room and Harry is going to have his own bedroom in our spare room. How does that sound?”

“I thought they already lived with us?”

Remus bit back a smile at this, shaking his head.

“Not officially, but we do have a lot of sleepovers, hm?”

“Why can’t Harry stay in my room? We like to share a room.”

“Harry is welcome to stay in your room whenever you both want, but I think it might be nice for him to have his own space too, hm? He needs somewhere to put all his clothes and his toys.”
“Yeah, that makes sense.” Teddy nodded and finally looked up, not a bit of worry on his little face.

“Is this all okay with you?”

“Yes! I love Sirius and Harry!”

“Good. They love you too.” Remus reached over and ruffled Teddy’s hair, his other hand still holding the action figure.

“Can we get a dog?”

Remus laughed at this, not able to hold back the small groan that followed. Sirius mentioned off handedly once that he wanted a dog and now Teddy brought it up at least once a week. Sirius apologized profusely for his error, but it was far too late. Once Teddy wanted something, he put all his energy into getting it.

“Hm, one step at a time, okay? Let’s see how we’re feeling after they move in.” Remus learned not to outright say no, if he wanted to avoid a Teddy tantrum. They were infrequent but horrendous when they happened. For such a quiet and well behaved boy, Teddy could cry and scream a storm if triggered. And well, Remus wasn’t totally opposed to having a dog around. It sounded quite nice actually. A new addition to their family.

*

Two weeks later Sirius and Harry were officially all moved in. It took a lot of navigating and rearranging of rooms, but Harry had his own space and Remus’ office was officially transformed into Sirius’ art studio. It was overwhelming at first, but now everything felt more settled and Remus was content. This is what his life was all leading up to.

Remus had taken a few days off of work but now he was back in the groove of things and loving every second of it. Even the shitty customers didn’t put a damper on his mood.

He was just about to take a break when the store phone rang loudly, making him startle. He sighed and walked back over to the counter, picking up the phone.

“Enchanted books, how can I help you?”

“Oh thank god. I’ve been trying to call you on your phone but you weren’t picking up.”

“Mary?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry, I’m at work…uh…obviously. What’s up? You okay?”

“Yeah, sorta! I was out for a walk and I just found a puppy who looks near death. He doesn’t have a collar and he is super skinny. He’s definitely still a puppy.”

“What do you want me to do about that? You need to take him to a vet, Mary!”

“I know, I will. I will. I have him in the car right now, I’m about to go over. I can’t keep him though and I don’t want them to send him to a shelter!”

“I-” Remus knew where this was going and he was going to have a very hard time saying no.

“Remus, please take him. You and Sirius were talking about wanting a dog anyway.”

“Well, Sirius was talking about wanting a dog. I never said–”

“Shh!” She cut him off and Remus bit back a smile. “Not the point. Can you just take him?”

“I-” Remus paused for a moment, letting out a deep sigh. “Yeah. Yes. I’ll meet you at the vet in a bit, okay? Text me the address. I just need to finish up a few things here first.” It’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission, Remus thought, suddenly very nervous again. Sirius wouldn’t be mad but this was definitely something they should discuss beforehand. He hadn’t met this puppy, but he didn’t want it to end up in a shelter either and technically they had talked about getting a dog.

“You’re a lifesaver, Remus! See you soon!”

“See you.”

*

Sirius, like predicted, wasn’t mad at all. He was quite excited and they immediately told Harry and Teddy the news. Teddy looked like he was about to burst into tears out of pure happiness and Harry jumped around the room excitedly. They weren’t able to take the dog home quite yet, she was in critical condition, but that just gave them more time to prepare.

They went to the store and bought beds, treats, a leash, a collar, and far too many toys in the meantime. Teddy begged for her to be able to sleep in his room, which set Harry off as he begged for her to stay in his. Sirius and Remus had to be firm and let them know she’d be staying in the living room, though they both had a feeling it wouldn’t last long. In reality, Sirius was a pushover and would be letting her sleep in their bed, even though Remus gave stern “no dog in our bed” instructions from the start.

The dog, Lady, was able to come home two weeks after Mary initially found her. They had decided on a name after they had all watched Lady and the Tramp together. Lady was a little scrappy looking and the vets assumed she was some sort of irish wolfhound. She was less than a year old and she would be getting big. The vet made sure Remus was very aware of that before taking her home. He didn’t mind though, Lady was already part of his family. There was no going back now.

The boys were ecstatic when Remus came home and the four of them spent the warm spring evening outside, running around with the dog and playing until the sun set and it was time to call it a night.

It was a rough bed time routine for Teddy, the little boy begging to be able to hang out with Lady just a little longer. Remus promised she’d still be there in the morning and that the faster he went to bed, the faster he could see her again. It worked like a charm and Teddy was out like a light within ten minutes of Remus reading to him.

The next morning, as Remus woke up early and snuck down the stairs to start making breakfast before heading to work, he stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed the lump of bodies laying on the floor.

Harry and Teddy were passed out with their heads next to Lady, the dog comfily sprawled out between the two of them. Remus bit back a smile as he took in the sight, his heart fluttering at the cuteness of it all. He wondered when they snuck back down here and how they managed to actually get to sleep on the hard floor with no blankets. Remus turned on his heels and made his way back up the stairs quietly to go wake up Sirius so he could see it all too. As he pushed open the bedroom door to see his sleeping boyfriend, he wondered to himself how he got so lucky.

*

“I don’t want to go.” Teddy wiped at a falling tear with the back of his scrunched up fist, his bottom lip quivering.

“I know, Bug. I don’t want you to go either.”

“I’m going to miss Harry’s birthday…”

“We can call, okay? You can talk to him for as long as you want. When you get back we can throw him another party, okay?”

Teddy just shook his head, fresh tears dripping down his cheeks. They stood at the airport gate, the flight attendant waiting patiently for Teddy to say his goodbyes so she could take him to his seat. This was the first summer  Teddy would be spending with Tonks and the transition was hard, for both Teddy and Remus. It wouldn’t feel right to not spend warm sunny days with his kid, coming back home with sunburnt cheeks and sticky fingers from melted ice lollies. He had to be grateful for the other ten months of the year he did get to spend with him though, and all the amazing memories they got to make together.

“I’ll send you lots of photos of Lady, too. We’ll be able to Skype whenever you want, alright? Just ask your Mum and she’ll be able to set it up.”

“O-okay…” Teddy sniffled and nodded his head, putting on a brave face again. He stood up a little straighter and chewed on his lower lip. “Will you miss me?”

“Oh, love. I’ll miss you more than words can explain. I’ll be counting down the days until I can see you again, okay? I’ll be right here waiting for you when you get back.”

“Okay…I love you, Dad.” Dad was new. One day Teddy had stopped calling him Daddy and instead used Dad and Remus wasn’t sure how he felt about it. His little boy was growing up.

“I love you too, Teds.” Remus lent forward and pulled his son into a tight hug, kissing the top of his head. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Okay.”

Remus pulled back and watched Teddy walk away with the flight attendant, only turning around once to wave his last goodbye.

He sat himself in an uncomfortable airport chair and watched as his plane took off and flew into the cloudy summer sky. He stayed there a long, long time. Watching people around him come and go and come and go. He got up eventually and, as he walked back to his car, he already started counting down the days until he could see his son again.

Notes:

chapters one and two are a bit more of an introduction/slide show of their life! chapter three is where the plot begins to form!! I'm sort of following the format of the book, to anyone who has read it before!

see y'all next time! <3

Chapter 3: cigarettes

Summary:

shout out to the homies in my group chat for helping me figure out the best word to use for sirius' genitals so it wouldn't be cringy :/ you're the real ones <3

Time passed, as it always did. Teddy grew right in front of Remus’ eyes, his little boy growing into an angsty pre-teen. Remus wondered if he was such a nuisance to his own parents, the way Teddy was with him. He was a sweet kid, always quiet and patient, but sometimes he’d get into these moods and all Remus could do was back off and give him space.

Harry had just turned fourteen and he was no better. He’d be starting secondary school in the Fall and both Sirius and Remus were absolutely terrified. He had a solid group of friends, and they just had to trust that he’d come to them if he were to get in any trouble. Remus was more worried about Teddy, who would now be alone in his school. He and Harry were attached at the hip and now they’d be apart.

Teddy had recently been struggling with his anxiety and Remus felt guilty he didn’t notice the signs earlier. Teddy had always been a quiet boy, but his teacher had pulled Remus into a meeting last year and highly recommended he start talking to someone for his anxiety. Harry helped a lot. He was always right by Teddy’s side for whatever he needed and Teddy felt safe around him. The other kids at school weren’t so kind. Teddy had a breakdown after school one night and finally shared the stories of people shoving him around or calling him and his friends names. Remus had had many talks with the school principal, but there really hadn’t been any resolve yet. Two more years and he’d be out of the school, off to a new one, and hopefully would have a better time with his new classmates.

*

“They’re up to no good.” Sirius murmured, eyes glued to the canvas in front of him. Down the hall Harry and Teddy were laughing and then shushing each other, which caused them to laugh even more.

“I gathered that.” Remus was sitting on the loveseat in Sirius’ home studio, soaking up the last of the day’s sun. They had set up a little reading area for Remus to enjoy some peace and quiet, because Sirius felt bad he stole his office from him. Most weekends, when neither of them had work and the kids didn’t have school, found them like this. Sirius would be working on some sort of project and Remus would be tucked up reading.

He had more time off at the bookstore now, having hired on two new people to help him out during the week. One of Harry’s friends had six siblings, two of which were looking for some work. They were good kids, albeit a bit rowdy.

He still stopped by everyday, but he had more time in his life to do things he wanted. He had started writing a book last year and he was really enjoying the whole process. He wasn’t sure what the end goal was, but he enjoyed his free time to write all the same.

“Should we be good parents and intervene?”

“I think I prefer to pretend I don’t hear them.” Remus smiled and looked over at his boyfriend, who finally broke eye contact with the painting and looked right back at Remus.

Teddy had just gotten back this morning from his summer with Tonks and normally the first few nights were spent with the boys hauled up together either in one of their rooms or outside playing together and catching up on everything they missed. Teddy still insisted on throwing Harry a late birthday party every year, a tradition they had all grown to love. For as much as the boy had both changed and grown, some things stayed just the same.

“Fine, but if it’s anything like the grand summer painting of ‘07, you’re cleaning up the mess this time.” Two summers ago Harry and Teddy thought it kene to decorate Harry’s wall with permanent pens. Remus had no clue what possibly possessed them to think it was a smart idea and they spent the whole next day going to the hardwood store, picking out paint, and fixing their mess. Remus ended up doing most of the work, the two boys just making an even bigger mess with dripping paint.

“Dear god, I would hope they both learned their lesson by now.” Remus groaned and shut his book, pushing his body up carefully. He wasn’t old by any means, but his body hurt. He had been diagnosed with arthritis three years ago, and it seemed to only get worse with each passing year. He had his exercises to do everyday and had a great team of doctors, but nothing would ever really cure it.

Last spring he ended up having to have knee surgery after he had an accident stupidly playing football with the boys out back. He hadn’t been able to walk the same ever since, no matter how much healing and time had passed. Sirius was patient with him and walked at the pace Remus needed to, adjusting their lives to better accommodate his condition, but Remus felt guilty for always slowing everyone down.

“Bad pain day?” Sirius watched as Remus stood up and walked over to where he was painting.

Remus just shrugged and took in the beautiful painting. It was a commission for some family who had recently had to put their family dog down. Sirius had done a gorgeous portrait of the pup and surrounded him in a field of blooming flowers.

“No worse than usual after sitting for a long time.” He wrapped his arms around Sirius, resting his chin on the top of his boyfriend’s head.

“Let me know, yeah? I could break out those fancy new massage oils your mum gifted you, give you a nice massage.”

“Please, we wouldn’t last three minutes into a massage. I know how that would end.”

“Oh yeah?” Sirius leaned back, tilting his head back so he could peer at Remus. “And how’s that?”

“Find me later and maybe I’ll show you.” Remus kissed his forehead a few times, knowing better than to get involved with anything this close to having to leave. They had made dinner reservations with Poppy and Minervra to celebrate Teddy’s return, a tradition that had started after the first summer he was away.

*

It turned out, as they thought, the boys were up to no good. Three minutes past when they were supposed to leave, Sirius and Remus waiting by the door, the boys finally came down.

“Finally, what took you both so long? I told you we needed to leave by–” Sirius stopped when he saw Teddy, his eyes wide. Sirius quickly looked at Remus, gauging his response, and most likely gauging how he was supposed to react, too.

Teddy came over with a huge grin on his face, Harry smirking behind him. His beautiful dirty blonde curls were now bright blue, his neck and ears stained the same shade.

“Teddy, what did–”

“Isn’t it cool?! Harry told me his friend just dyed his hair blue and said I would look cool.”

Remus and Sirius looked over at the other boy, who held up his blue stained hands up in surrender.

“You didn’t even wear gloves?!” Sirius groaned, rubbing both of his eyes. They both always encouraged self expression and exploration but Remus didn’t necessarily want his kid walking around looking like a neon blueberry. At least not without asking permission first. What’s done was done though and they didn’t have time to argue about it.

“Right, we’re going to be late. We’ll talk about this later.” Remus motioned his family to the door, throwing one more glance at Sirius, who just shrugged up his shoulders, biting back a small smile.

*

The last week of summer went by too fast, the boys complaining as they had to switch from summer brain to school brain. Harry was more excited than Teddy, almost too excited. Remus saw the way Teddy forced a smile on his face as Harry told them all the cool things he was going to be able to do at the new school. Teddy nodded along, laughed when he needed to, but Remus knew his son better than anyone. He was hurting.

After dinner and dessert, Remus excused himself from Sirius to go say goodnight to the boys. He knocked on Teddy’s door and waited for the soft ‘come in’, before pushing open the door.

Teddy’s room was a mess, clothes and art supplies scattered all over the floor. Normally Remus would ask him to clean up, but he got a pass today. Today he was allowed to have a messy room.

Teddy was sitting on his bed, a sketchbook in his lap and various pens scattered next to him. At the foot of the bed, though she was partially hanging off, was Lady. She perked up when Remus walked in, but clearly wasn’t bothered enough to actually get up to greet him.

“What’s up?”

“Just checking in. Big day tomorrow.” Remus sat down on Teddy’s desk chair, chewing on his lower lip. It was an anxious habit of his that Teddy inherited when he was nervous, too. Teddy got all his anxiety from Remus, unfortunately. Tonks had her own set of problems, but anxiety to this extreme was not one of them.

“Yeah. M’okay.” Teddy ran his fingers through his still very bright blue hair. The color had grown on Remus quite quickly. The only thing he was really mad about was how stained the bathtub was.

“If you’re not, that’s okay too. You’re allowed to feel nervous. I know it’s going to be hard without Harry there.”

“I just want to make a friend.”

Remus was silent after that, not sure what he could say. He could lie and say “oh you will, you’ll make a ton!”, but there was no guarantee. The people at his school were just mean. Remus was tempted to pull Teddy out altogether and just homeschool him, but Sirius talked him down from that dream. It wouldn’t do anyone any good.

“You will.” Remus nodded, figuring it was better to be optimistic than realistic in a moment like this. “You get to take art this year, I’m sure there'll be a lot of great people for you to meet.”

Teddy loved to do art, mostly drawing and collaging. Teddy had found a few years ago he really enjoyed art and it was one of the first ways he really bonded with Sirius. When he wasn’t at school or with Harry, he was mostly up in his room drawing or at Sirius’ studio creating something. Remus talked with the head of the school and managed to get PE removed from Teddy’s schedule for this year and instead allowed him to take art, hoping that would help even just a little.

“I’m excited for the art class.” Teddy continued to scribble on his page, not looking up once. “I just don’t want things to get bad again with…uh…with the bullying and stuff.”

“I know, love. We’ll keep a better eye on things, okay? You come to me or Sirius immediately if anything happens and we’ll handle it. Let me take that weight off of your chest.”

“Okay. Thanks dad, I love you.”

“I love you too, Bug.”

*
Remus was kissing the inside of Sirius’ thigh, the tender part that always left a bruise and caused Sirius to squirm under him. The boys were both out for the night and they were fully taking advantage of the empty house. Usually they had to be quiet and, as silly as it was as adults, sneaky when they wanted to have sex. Tonight though, Remus made the promise to himself and to Sirius that he was going to take him apart inch by inch.

“Baby–” Sirius whined, his legs coming to wrap around Remus as Remus finally kissed his way up to Sirius’ cunt. He was sweet under his tongue and Remus was hard just thinking about all the things he was going to do to Sirius tonight.

Sirius arched his hips up once Remus began to swirl his tongue around his entrance, letting out a small gasp when he licked over his clit. Remus placed both his hands on Sirius’ inner thighs to keep his legs apart, fully intending to get the best access he could.

“Fuck me–”

“M’trying.” He pulled away just enough to mumble against Sirius’ skin, getting right back to it only a second later.

On the nightstand, one of their phones buzzed once. Then again. And by the third time Sirius finally whined and leaned over. Remus was sort of hoping he’d just toss the phone across the room, sending whoever it was far far away from them, but Sirius was too good of a person for that.

Remus, the gentleman that he was, stopped his motions and instead rested his cheek against Sirius’ inner thigh while his boyfriend checked his messages.

“Fuck.”

“Hm?” He assumed if it was an emergency about one of the boys, Mrs. Weasley would’ve called the home phone.

Without a response, Sirius wiggled his way out from under Remus’ head and moved to sit with his bare back against their pillows. He pulled his legs in, reading over the text again.

Well, that was that then. Remus wasn’t mad, he didn’t mind a change of plans, he just really wanted to enjoy one drama free, peaceful, sexy evening with his partner.

“Who is it?” Remus crawled up to the top of the bed, painfully hard but ignoring his body the best he could.

“Regulus.”

Oh. This never ended well. Regulus had come back into Sirius’ life four years ago. He had left his parents house, got a new phone, and immediately contacted his older brother. At first, Sirius thought it was for genuine bonding time and to catch up on all they lost from the years they were apart, but Regulus was just trying to get money out of him. He was an addict, apparently had been for most of his life, according to Sirius. Even when they were younger and in school, Regulus seemed to always be high. Sirius found him once half dead on the bathroom floor after an accidental OD, but Regulus had begged him not to tell their parents. He was only fifteen at the time.

“Money?”

“He says he wants to meet for lunch.” Sirius handed the phone over to Remus, who read over the text quickly.

Reg: Hi Sirius. I miss you. Can we meet for lunch? I just want to talk.

Unfortunately, this is how most conversations with him went. At first, Sirius believed his sincerity and even brought Remus along to meet his brother. Ten minutes into their meal, they both realized it was just a set up to try and get some cash out of either of them. Regulus looked sick, pale and far too skinny. There were deep, purple circles beneath his eyes and his hair was thinning out and a mess. Remus had hardly recognized him from all the photos Sirius had shown him from when they were younger.

“I feel like such an asshole when I tell him no.”

“You have to do what’s best for you, love. You know he’s just going to ask you for money, which will end in a fight, and it makes you miserable.”

“But what if this time is different? What if…” Sirius trailed off, meeting Remus’ eyes with a look of hope. Remus minutely shook his head and Sirius nodded, texting back a quick response before setting his phone back on the nightstand.

They were silent for a while, both still naked and sitting against the pillows.

“Can we just put on a movie or something? I’m not in the mood anymore.” Sirius was very quiet, his legs now curled into his chest.

“Mhm. I can run us a bath, too.” Remus leaned over and kissed the side of his head, wishing there was more he could do for him. They had both offered to help Regulus get into rehab, but he always refused, said it was pointless and he didn’t need it. Sirius wouldn’t push the issue, but he would break down the second they were home and away from Regulus. Remus couldn’t imagine someone he loved so dearly going through something so life destroying, to sit back and know there was nothing he could really do except watch.

*

After their bath, they sat outside to smoke before calling it a night and going to bed. A nasty habit Remus still hadn’t managed to quit. Remus held out his lit cigarette for Sirius to take a drag from when he came to sit next to him on the back patio steps. He was wearing one of Remus’ old t-shirts and a pair of boxers, goosebumps up and down his arms from the gentle wind.

Lady was running around in the backyard, thinking she was going to get some extra play time in before they all went to sleep. Normally Remus would engage, but he felt drained. Sirius had ended up sobbing his heart out during their bath and Remus spent the better part of twenty minutes comforting him and calming him back down. Not that he didn’t mind doing it, he’d do anything for Sirius, but he was just tired.

“It just scares me.” Sirius blew the smoke away from Remus, handing the cigarette back over. They had plenty for them each to have their own, but there was something intimate about sharing.

“What part?”

“I know he had money at some point. After I left he became the heir, there’s no way he left the house with nothing. He’s a sneaky fuck, either he had money or he took enough goods from the house to sell and make a fortune. The fact he’s grovelling and asking us means he blew through it all.”

“He probably didn’t even realise how much he was spending until it was gone.”

“I just wish he would fucking let us help him go to rehab. I can’t give him any more money…well…I can, but I won’t.” Sirius was very well off, something he didn’t brag about but Remus knew. He had enough money to cover everyone in the family so no one had to ever work a day in their lives and still be well off. It intimidated Remus sometimes, but Sirius wasn’t a huge spender. He still worked, to be able to earn his own money. He didn’t like that it was all just handed to him after the passing of his uncle.

“I know, love. He has to want it though. Even if we drag him in there, he’s an adult and he’ll just check himself right back out.”

Sirius let out a groan, reaching his hand forward when Lady ran over to the both of them, her tail happily wagging.

“He’s going to die.” Sirius whispered after a few silent minutes of smoking and petting the dog. “He’s going to die and I’m going to just be sitting here letting it happen.”

“It’s not your fault, Sirius. None of it is on you. You are here to support him, he just doesn’t want that support. That’s on him. Do you hear me? No matter what happens, it’s not on you.”

Sirius nodded but didn’t look at Remus. Instead, he looked up at the night sky and Remus knew he was looking for his brother’s star. It was cloudy and nothing could be seen, but the sentiment was there all the same.

*

Two months into school and both boys seemed to be enjoying themselves, as much as any twelve and fourteen year old could enjoy school. Harry was on the football team again and absolutely loved it while Teddy was really putting energy into art. He had recently picked up watercolor painting, his room covered with new creations he came up with.

He hadn’t reported any bullying, but Remus knew there was something up. There were some days he’d come home looking so sad and defeated that Remus wanted to just pull him into a hug and demand the truth. Teddy would come to him or Sirius if he really needed to. Or at least that’s what Remus was telling himself.

Remus groaned at his computer screen, the numbers for the monthly inventory all blending together. He loved working here, but he hated all the behind the scenes admin stuff he had to do. He’d much rather be up front helping people find books.

A knock on his door startled him out of his reverie. He looked up, an eyebrow raised to see Harry standing awkwardly in the door.

“Why aren’t you at practice?”

“Skipped.”

Remus motioned for Harry to come in, the boy doing so and closing the door behind him. He was in his football kit but it didn’t smell like the normal post practice sweat and his hair was still as neat, or as neat as it could be, as it was when he left for school. It was evidence he didn’t do any practice today.

“Why? What’s going on?”

“I just…I need to talk to you about something and I didn’t know when. There’s always people around when we’re home and…and I didn’t know if I should tell you and Sirius or just you and–”

“Hey, it’s okay. You know you can always talk to me.”

Remus didn’t mind that he skipped practice, he was mostly just concerned because Harry loved playing. He practically had to be dragged off the field everyday because he didn’t want to come home.

“I just don’t know how.” Harry was looking awkwardly around the room at everything other than Remus’ eyes, a nervous habit of his.

“Okay.” Remus wasn’t going to push anything, knowing Harry needed patience when he was nervous like this. “You know I won’t be mad at whatever it is.”

“I know but it’s not about me.”

Teddy, then. Remus’ heart dropped but he kept his composure.

“Is it about Teddy?”

Harry nodded his head but didn’t say anything.

“Is he okay?” Remus expected another nod, but there was hesitation in the boy sitting across from him. What could have possibly happened from this morning until now? Teddy seemed fine this morning when he left for school, even sent a text a few minutes ago saying he’d be home late because he was finishing up a painting.

“The other night when we were at the Weasley’s I uh…well…we were changing into our pajamas and I looked over and…he…” Harry sighed and closed his eyes. “He has a ton of cuts on his legs. They’re all over his thighs and…and some of them are pretty deep looking. I didn’t say anything to him, I don’t think he even realised I noticed. I didn’t know what to do though and…and I just thought you should know.”

Remus nodded, though his brain was officially panicking. He didn’t want his son to be in so much pain he reverted to hurting himself. How long has this been going on? What was he using? How often was this occurring? Has he told anyone?

“Thank you for telling me, Harry. I know it wasn’t easy but it was the right thing to do.” Remus tried to keep his voice steady, though all he wanted to do was cry and call Sirius to ask for advice. Sirius had struggled with self harm when he was younger, so he figured he’d have better insight than Remus would. It was something he was hesitant to share with Remus, but there was no hiding the scars on the back of his legs. Remus didn’t care, he was just glad Sirius was doing better now.

He was terrified about Teddy, though. Teddy wasn’t doing better, Teddy was cutting himself. Teddy was up in his room alone hurting himself god knows how often for god knows how long.

“Can I go?” Harry’s eyes were open again and he was finally looking over at Remus.

“Yes, Haz. Thank you.”

Harry bolted out of the room quicker than Remus had seen him move before, the boy not even bothering to shut the door behind him. It was a brave thing to come forward and he didn’t blame Harry for not wanting to talk about it anymore.

Remus took in a few deep breaths and reached for his phone. Monthly inventory would just have to wait.

R: Hey, I need some advice. Call me when you can x
S: Give me ten, just finishing up something xx 

*

Per Sirius’ advice, Remus didn’t bring up the self harm to Teddy. If he wasn’t actively trying to kill himself, which it didn’t seem he was, Sirius told him it’s better to let Teddy come to him. Remus finding out and asking about it wasn’t going to stop him from engaging in this behavior, it may just cause him to be more sneaky about it. That didn’t mean Remus wasn’t still watching him like a hawk though. He was more concerned about where Teddy was going after class and was more aware of all the time he spent up in his room. All Remus could do was remind his son how loved he was and that he was always here if Teddy ever needed to chat. If Teddy needed help, he’d come to him. That’s what Remus told himself, over and over again. He kept with that matra until two months later when he smelt cigarette smoke coming from down the hall. 

Sirius seemed to smell it at the same time, his head shooting up and his face scrunching up in confusion.

“Do you smell–”

“Why is there–” They both spoke at the same time, made eye contact, and then were up on their feet and out of the office a second later.

The smoke was coming from Harry’s closed door, Remus figuring both boys were in there because Teddy’s lights were off in his room and there was no way he was asleep this early.

“Wait–” Sirius grabbed onto Remus’ arm, his voice barely above a whisper. “What do we say? Do we…do we just barge in there? We don’t even know for sure that…” He didn’t finish his sentence once he saw the way Remus was looking at him.

“Obviously they’re smoking. What other possible excuse could there be? If it was from the neighbors it wouldn’t be so potent. It’s nearly January and all our windows are closed.”

“Just trying to be optimistic.” Sirius grimaced and began to chew on his lower lip.

This was the part of parenthood no one ever warned Remus about. How to deal with his child self harming and hiding it. How to deal with his child clearly being bullied but the school won't help. How to deal with his child smoking a cigarette inside the house. He supposed Teddy wasn’t necessarily in there, but it was highly unlikely Harry was alone.

Behind the closed door there was a cough followed by dramatic shushing, which caused Sirius to move again. He didn’t waste another second on their plan and instead barged into Harry’s room.

Remus followed behind, wincing at the smell. He was used to smelling smoke, but not mixed in a stinky teen boy’s room with the windows closed.

“What the hell is going on?” Sirius crossed his arms right as Harry hid the obviously lit cigarette behind his back. Teddy, who was sitting on Harry’s bed, widened his eyes and looked between his dad and Harry.

“I uh–”

“Hand it over.” Harry handed the cigarette over and Sirius took it, bringing it to his mouth and stuffing it out on his tongue. Remus both cringed, knowing it burnt, and also sort of found it hot that he did it so swiftly without as much as even flinching. He’d bring it back up later, when they were alone, but now was not the time.

“What the hell were you both thinking?” Sirius held the cigarette in his hand, looking over to Remus for support. “Do you know how stupid it is to not only smoke but smoke in a room with no window open. Your room is going to reek for weeks and I will not help you clean it out.”

“You and Remus smoke.” Oh dear lord, that was not the response that should’ve left Harry’s mouth. Remus cringed again, wanting to back out of the room and hide even though he was the parent and he was supposed to be handling the situation. Teddy was still silent, sinking further and further down onto the bed.

“Yes, because we’re adults!” Sirius shouted and Remus reached over to gently touch his arm. He wasn’t going to tell Sirius to calm down, that wasn’t his place nor would it be helpful, but rather gently remind him that they were just kids and made a stupid mistake. “And I wish I didn’t smoke. It’s fucking deadly and the worst habit I have.”

“I just–”

“Where did you get them?” They both knew the answer to that. Top drawer of their nightstand, where they kept their cigarettes. Remus knew they needed a better place for it, but he also had believed their children wouldn’t be sneaky enough to steal from them.

“Your–”

“Fuck. No, actually. I don’t want to hear it.” Sirius shook his head and began to turn out of the room. “You’re grounded for a month.”

“Sirius! That’s not–”

“I don’t want to hear it!” He was already out in the hall, shouting back. The door to their bedroom slammed shut a second later, Remus letting out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding in.

“Remus, he’s being unfair! It’s not–”

“Harry, you’re grounded.” Remus shook his head and looked back over to Teddy. “I’m assuming you smoked too?”

“Yeah…” Teddy pushed himself up and off the bed, making himself as tall as possible. “I’m really sorry, Dad! I just wanted to try it. Harry said some of his friends had smoked and…and we knew you both had cigarettes. I know it’s wrong–”

“You’re grounded, too. Go to your room, I don’t want to discuss this any further tonight.”

“Dad, I’m really sorry! I won’t ever do it again. I just wanted to try it. We know it’s stupid, we’re idiots. I–”

Whatever other ramblings Teddy had for them, Remus didn’t hear it. He turned and left the room, heading back to his own bedroom. Unlike Sirius, he didn’t slam the door behind him, but he did let out a giant groan the moment they were alone.

On the bed, Sirius had tears dripping down his cheeks. Remus was mad, sure, but he also knew they wouldn’t do it again. They were kids, they made stupid decisions. Remus was doing far worse than smoking a cigarette at Harry’s age, and he knew for certain Sirius was too.

“Hey…what’s going on, love.” Remus walked over to the bed, reaching out to take Sirius’ hand. The reaction felt unrelated from the situation, like something bigger was going on.

“I’m fucking failing as a parent.”

“No you’re not. Hey….hey, no you’re not.” Remus whispered, squeezing Sirius’ hand and shaking his head. “They’re stupid kids, Sirius. They’re not going to do it again, trust me. The fear in both of their eyes is enough to keep them away.”

“I…I just am supposed to keep Harry safe and James would be so fucking mad at me if he knew Harry was sneaking around and smoking in my care. He’d…he’d tell me I should’ve hidden the cigarettes better and I…I shouldn’t have let it happen. I’m responsible for Harry, it’s my fault if something happens.”

“Sweetheart…he wouldn’t say that. I never met him, but that doesn’t sound like the James you told me about. He’d be angry at Harry too, but not at you. We can’t watch them every second of every day and we shouldn’t have to hide things in our room. They snuck in, they dug around, they stole something that wasn’t theirs to take. They’re teenagers and they’re making stupid decisions. It’s fucking terrifying, but it is also not either of our faults.”

“Fuck.” Sirius let out a sob, leaning into Remus’ side. “I don’t want James to be disappointed in me.”

“He’s not. I promise he’s not.” Remus wrapped an arm around Sirius, feeling his own eyes fill with tears. “You’re doing a great job, love. You’re doing the best you can.” Remus felt stupid saying it out loud, as he felt like just as big of a failure with raising Teddy. He should’ve checked in on Teddy more. He should’ve asked what was going on. He should’ve, should’ve, should've–

*
After the cigarette incident, the rest of the school year went by as smoothly as it could. Both boys gave proper apologies a few days after they were caught and, to Remus’ knowledge, hadn’t tried smoking again.

Sirius had calmed down and had a long talk with Harry about why he reacted the way he did and why he just wanted to keep him safe. Remus sat down with Teddy too and finally did a check in. He didn’t bring up the self harm, but he did bring up the fact Teddy seemed more distant and sad. Teddy admitted he was struggling, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle.

The end of the school year and his thirteenth birthday went by in a blur and before Remus knew it he was standing in the airport once again, hugging his boy goodbye with the promise to see him soon. Harry’s fifteenth birthday approached and vanished just as fast and Remus wondered where all the time had gone. Their boys, no longer kids but growing into young adults. The thought made him want to vomit a little, but he kept it together for everyone’s sake.

Things went well upon Teddy’s return and the school year started up again, everyone thrown back into their routine.

In November, Remus got the phone call he was dreading. He knew it would happen one day, knew Teddy and Harry would get into more trouble. They were teenage boys with teenage friends and far too much time on both of their hands. He had just hoped maybe they wouldn’t be like their peers, wouldn’t be the way Remus was growing up, that they’d manage through school without any more incidents. 

“Enchanted books, this is Remus.” The phone was pressed in between his ear and shoulder, his hands busy trying to finish counting the till.

“Hi, Remus, it's Molly. I’m so sorry to bother you at work, I just needed to reach you as soon as I could.”

“Hi Molly, no worries. Everything okay?” Teddy and Harry were spending the evening at the Weasley’s house tonight, as per most Friday nights.

“Sort of. Both boys are okay, but I did just catch them, Ron, and the twins smoking out in the back garden.”

“Cigarettes?” Remus wanted to scream. After everything they talked about, after all the apologies and promises not to do it again, here they were again. Sirius was going to have a fit.

“No, weed. I’m not sure where they got it, but I confiscated what they had left over. I tried to reach Sirius but he didn’t answer, but I’m assuming you want them home?”

“Fuck.” Remus groaned, shaking his head. “I’m so sorry, Molly. I can’t believe they would do that, especially at your house. Yes, please send them back home and we’ll have a talk with them.”

“Alright, dear. Sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news.”

“It’s not your fault, Molly. Thank you for letting me know.”

*

“Where did you get the weed?” Remus, Sirius, Teddy and Harry were all at the kitchen table. Remus had rung Sirius to let him know what happened and they had both rushed home as soon as they could.

Neither boy looked up at the question, Harry fidgeting in his seat and Teddy chewing on his lower lip.

“Do you think this is a game? Do you understand why we are upset?”

“Yes.” Teddy finally spoke up, still refusing to meet their eyes.

“Where did you get the weed?” Remus asked again, softer this time. Under the table, Sirius squeezed his knee, keeping his composure much better than last time.

“It was mine.”

“Fuck, Haz.” Sirius sighed, shaking his head. “Why? And…and where did you get it?”

“Just got it off of some kid at school. He was selling it and Ron and I were curious and…well, I just bought some with my allowance money. I’m not proud of it, I feel really guilty, I know it was wrong.”

“So you decided to drag Ron’s brothers and Teddy into it as well?”

“Well I didn’t force them, did I? They all willingly smoked.” Harry snapped back, sinking into his chair and crossing his arms over his chest. Sirius didn’t fall for Harry’s teenage rage bait, instead ignoring the outburst.

“I wanted to try it too. I’ve been anxious at school and heard weed calms you down. I actually feel way better.”

Remus realised this was Teddy’s weak excuse to make the situation better, but he was failing miserably.

“If you’re so anxious you’re turning to weed, then there is a bigger discussion we need to be having. We need to get you in to see a therapist, Teds. This behavior isn’t acceptable. Your grades are slipping, your teachers said you’re not engaging in class, and now you’re doing drugs.”

Teddy’s cheeks grew red at this, and he didn’t respond. Harry gave him a look close to pity, before looking back down at his lap.

“We’re really sorry. It was stupid.” Harry whispered.

“I know.” Remus nodded, glancing over at Sirius who just let out a sigh. “Can you two just go up to your rooms so Sirius and I can talk?”

“What about dinner?”

“I’m sure you can wait a little while longer. Please, just go.” Remus wasn’t in the mood to start arguing and both boys could sense that. They got up and left to go to their respective rooms, Sirius and Remus left alone in a heavy silence.

“I wasn’t kidding, I’m going to find him a therapist. This isn’t okay.”

“I think that’s for the best.”

“It’s one thing to smoke because you’re curious but he’s admitting he’s doing drugs because he’s anxious. He’s thirteen and he already feels so bad he’s turning to stuff like this.”

“When I was thirteen I used to vomit between classes because of how anxious they made me. I had days where I couldn’t get out of bed, my body felt so heavy I literally could not move. James finally dragged me to go talk to our school psychiatrist and they helped get me on meds. It sucked at the time, but I’m glad I had someone like him to take initiative and help. I would’ve really spiraled without him.” 

Remus just nodded, letting his eyes flutter shut. He couldn’t sit back and watch Teddy suffer like this anymore.

*

The post-weed smoking talk, being grounded, finding Teddy a therapist, and even getting him started on meds clearly didn’t help the way Remus had thought it did. Teddy finished off the school year, turned fourteen, and went into the summer acting differently. He seemed to be doing better. He seemed lighter, he was creating more art, he called Remus every night he was away at Tonk’s with a chipper tone. Upon his summer return, he and Harry even practiced football in the backyard together nearly every night. He thought he was getting better, on the mend, ready to start his new school with a positive, healthier way of handling things.

His delusion came crashing down one rainy September morning when Teddy’s head of school called him.

“Hello, am I speaking to Remus Lupin?”

“This is him. Who is this?” Remus was already running late to work, rushing around to gather the last of his things while Sirius watched him, sipping leisurely at his morning coffee.

“This is headmaster Albus Dumbledore calling from Edward’s school. I was wondering if you and Mr. Black could come in to chat about something?”

“Uh…” Remus looked sideways at his boyfriend, as if Sirius could hear the other end of this conversation. “I’m in a bit of a rush this morning. What is this concerning?”

“Edward has been caught selling cigarettes on the school’s campus and we have him in the office, awaiting expulsion.”

Notes:

okay fellas we are cooking now

Chapter 4: sunrise, sunset

Summary:

title is from the song "sunrise, sunset"! it's very fitting for the chapter!

ALSO PLEASE KEEP TWs IN MIND !!! this chapter is the pivotal part of the fic, it's going to get very heavy from here on out

“I’m going to fucking kill him.” Remus’ leg was bouncing up and down in the passenger seat, Sirius next to him gripping the steering wheel so tight his knuckles were white. “Such a fucking little–” Remus groaned, bawling his fists tightly.

After he got off the phone, he rushed upstairs to find his and Sirius’ entire stash of cigarettes had been sweeped. There was none in the nightstand, none in Sirius' office, even Remus’ half smoked pack he kept in his bag was gone. They didn’t smoke often enough to notice them gone the first day, which means Teddy could’ve been selling cigarettes for over a week at this point.

“I know.” Sirius nodded, looking just as pissed off as Remus was feeling. “I know. I still can’t really process it.”

“I just don’t understand why he’s doing this! Have I not been open and supportive? We foster an environment where the boys can always talk to us. If he needed money for, god knows what, then he could’ve asked. I can’t fathom why he felt the need to steal from us, again, and sell cigarettes to his classmates. God, he’s–” Remus had a long list of names he wanted to scream into the car, but he kept it inside. He had to remain collected for their talk with Albus. Sirius and him had decided they were going to try and fight the expulsion and instead try to advocate for suspension, since this was the first time he’s ever stepped out of line at school. Remus wouldn’t know what to do with him if he was expelled. Was he just going to come to work with him everyday and sit on the counter reading books like he did when he was a toddler? He was fourteen, he needed to be in school.

He needed to call Tonks as well, but he figured it best to call her after they have a talk with Albus so he could give her potentially not as bad of news. Would she insist he come live with her? Was Remus a horrible person for not hating the idea?

He loved Teddy but right now he really didn’t like him.

Teddy was struggling though, clearly. Wasn’t it Remus’ job as a parent to prevent this? To help? To make sure his kid never got to this point? He felt sick to his stomach as they pulled into the school’s car park.

They walked hand in hand to the office, not saying a word until they got to the front desk.

“Hi, we’re Teddy’s parents. Albus should be expecting us.”

The lady at the front desk nodded and gave him a sympathetic look. Remus wondered how fast gossip spread around here. How many people knew his son was selling stolen cigarettes? Were they judging him as a father? What sort of father even smokes around his kids?

“You both can head on back. Teddy is in the office already.” She motioned to the room behind her and Sirius mumbled a quiet thank you.

They paused in front of the door, Sirius squeezing Remus’ hand. “Let’s just hear what he has to say, try to persuade him about the expulsion, and then get out of here, okay? In and out and then we go back home.”

“I can’t even look him in the eyes right now.”

“I know, but we have to.” Sirius squeezed his hand again and Remus nodded, turning the handle to Albus’ office.

“Thank you both for coming, please have a seat.” Albus motioned to the two seats next to where Teddy sat, petrified and nearly shaking. He knew he fucked up, most likey knew he fucked up since the second he got hold of the cigarettes.

“Dad, I’m really sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was–”

“Teddy, not now.” Remus cut him off, not able to spare more than a glance at his son. Sirius looked away as well, staring instead at his scuffed up shoes.

“Right, I’ll try and make this quick. During lunch one of the teachers witnessed Teddy selling cigarettes to some other students. They will also be talked to and handled appropriately, but we wanted to talk to Teddy separately.”

“How long has this been going on?” Sirius asked, Remus still too numb to speak.

“This was only the second time, I swear. I wasn’t going to do it again. I felt guilty and I was going to return the cigarettes tonight.” Teddy’s eyes were wide, his nails digging into his palm. He sounded like he was going to cry and Remus, as awful as it sounded, did not have any empathy for his son at that moment.

“What do we do moving forward?” Sirius turned towards Albus again, the headmaster looking at him with a calm expression as if this was something he handled everyday.

“As it breaks school policy, we will have to expel him effective immediately. We do not condone this sort of behavior in our school.”

“Is that really necessary? Wouldn’t suspension work just the same for punishment? Teddy has a clean slate, he gets good grades, he’s never been in trouble before.” Sirius was defending his son’s honor because Remus was too much of a coward to step in and help. All the practice he did in his head and he was frozen.

“Mr…?”

“Black.”

“Mr. Black, it is against school policy. We cannot have students selling any sort of product, especially one such as this, on campus.”

“I know and Teddy knows that, too. He’ll be grounded into the new year and he’ll do whatever else he needs to do to make up his punishment, but I really really ask you to consider not expelling him. He’ll have nowhere else to go and Remus and I can’t homeschool him. You can have him in detention every day, make him write lines, you can… I don’t know, make him clean the school bathroom. Just please do not kick him out. He’s a good kid, really. He just made a mistake.”

A stupid, stupid mistake.

*

In the end, Albus agreed to a month suspension, daily detentions for the rest of the year, and suspension on any extra curricular activities. After the new year, Teddy would be allowed to resume his activities and he’d be starting fresh, as if none of this ever happened.

Teddy must’ve apologized a hundred times in the car, but Remus didn’t respond to any of them. When they finally parked, no one moved. Sirius looked to Remus, raising an eyebrow in silent questioning.

“You two go inside, I need to call your mother.”

“She’s going to kill me.”

“Yeah, well, this is what happens when you make idiotic choices, Teddy.”

“Dad, I’m really sorry. I know it was wrong. I’ll never do anything like this ever again, I promise you.”

“Please just go to your room, I can’t talk to you right now.”

Teddy nodded and got out of the car, Sirius staying behind.

“Do you want me to stay with you? I don’t mind.” He reached over and squeezed Remus’ knee.

“No. I need to call her and I have a feeling it won’t end well. I’ll meet you inside after, okay?”

“Okay, sweetheart.” Sirius leaned over and pressed a gentle, parting kiss to his boyfriend’s lips.

He sat in silence for a few minutes after Sirius was gone before he finally got the courage to pick up the phone and call Tonks.

“Hey, everything okay?” It was nearly heartbreaking that the only times they spoke now was when something was wrong. He had never intended to have some beautiful, blossoming friendship with Tonks after the breakup, but they were hardly more than acquaintances at this point. He supposed there was no better bonding than dealing with their delinquent child together.

“Not really, no. Teddy was called into the office today at school.”

“Why?”

“He was caught selling cigarettes on campus and the headmaster wanted him expelled. Sirius and I talked him down to suspension for a month and detention for the rest of the year. I’m not sure what grounding will look like yet, I just got home.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” There was shuffling on her head and then the opening and slamming of a door. “Why would he do that?”

“I don’t know, do I?!” Remus snapped back. He should’ve waited longer to call her, he wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. “I don’t really fancy having a chat with him right now.”

“Well you have to! He needs to know this is unacceptable.”

“Don’t you think I haven’t already told him that?! He knows he fucked up, he’s apologized, promised to never do it again. I just don’t believe him right now, not after everything else that’s been going on the last few years.” He never told Tonks about the self harm or catching him smoking a cigarette, but he did tell her about the failing grades, bullying, and smoking weed.

“Where did he get the cigarettes, then? You and Sirius? You have a nasty fucking habit and you shouldn’t have them laying around.”

“Are you fucking with me right now?! You’re really trying to blame this on me? This has nothing to do with me or Sirius! My “smoking habits” are frankly no one’s business and we don’t have them laying around. They were in a drawer in our room. I’m not an idiot, I know how to raise a child!”

“Well you clearly don’t! He’s–” Remus hung up the phone before she could finish. He threw it to the side, the phone hitting the door and falling to the seat. He punched the steering wheel a few times, once accidentally hitting the horn.

“Fuck!” Remus’ chest felt tight and the air in the car seemed to disappear. He let out a pathetic sob and squeezed his eyes shut, his nails digging crescent moon indents into his palm. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

*
He took nearly twenty minutes to decompress before he eventually got out of the car and walked inside. Normally he liked to be greeted by a happy dog and a partner and two kids, but right now he wished he lived alone. He wanted to lay in bed and rot until his brain came up with something to say and do about the whole situation.

To his surprise, no one was downstairs to talk at the moment so he took that as a quiet victory and shuffled upstairs. He supposed if he couldn’t rot in bed, a nice shower would have to do.

Sirius wasn’t in their room either so he was most likely in his office or maybe out back. Normally in a moment like this they’d be smoking a cigarette, but Remus thought it highly inappropriate, no matter how desirable it sounded. Maybe he was the problem.

In the center of their bed lay two packets of cigarettes and a bright blue sticky note attached to them. Remus ripped the note off and scanned the words.

Dad and Sirius,
I’m really sorry for what I did. It was wrong and I’ll never do it again. I love you both. I’m really really sorry.

Remus sighed and set the note back down, gathering the half full packs and dumping them back into their nightstand. They’d have to do some rearranging tonight, but right now Remus couldn’t think about it.

His shower was quick but restoring all the same. He gave himself the whole spa package: washing his hair, washing his face, using some of Sirius’ fancy and stupidly expensive lotion after.

He left the room in a t-shirt and joggers, towel drying his hair. Sirius was there now, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking up at Remus with a defeated look.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Me neither.” Remus finished off his hair before quickly hanging the towel back up. He joined his boyfriend on the bed, reaching to take his hand.

“Should we both talk to him or just you?”

“Maybe just me…” Teddy viewed Sirius as a parent, but moments like these Remus knew he’d feel more comfortable and open to talking the fewer people that were in the room.

Sirius nodded, not at all hurt by the decision. It was the same with Harry, Sirius usually took the lead on big issues, it didn’t make either of them any less of their parents.

“How did the conversation with Tonks go?”

“Not good. She blamed me and implied I didn’t know how to raise a kid.”

“What!” Sirius’ eyes widened and he turned to face Remus entirely. “That’s such bullshit! It’s not your fault, he made that decision on his own.”

“I know, that’s what I told her. I hung up before she could say anything else. I’d like to see her handle this. Would love to see her brilliant plan on preventing a teen from being a teen.” Remus did stupid shit at Teddy’s age too, but he never got caught, and he definitely never put anyone else in harm’s way either. Not only was Teddy suspended, but everyone who bought from him was too. He’d never steal from his parents, either. He knew boundaries and Remus had hoped Teddy had learned those boundaries too. 

“Well, she’ll get him this summer. She can report back how easy it is to watch a teen twenty four seven and make sure they never get into any trouble.” Sirius pulled his phone out of his pocket when it buzzed, scanning over the screen quickly. “Shall I add to the good news?”

“Oh please do.” Remus figured he knew who it was from, but gave Sirius the floor to speak anyway. Sirius handed the phone over so Remus could read the text.

Reg: Sirius, please I’m so sorry for everything I did to you. I really just need some help, okay? I’ll pay you everything back. I really really need help though, things are bad.

This was the third text Sirius had received this week, each one getting a little more desperate. After the first text, Sirius had decided to stop responding, upon Remus’ gentle encouragement. Unless Regulus would come forward and accept their help for rehab, there was nothing they could do for him.

“Shitty day.” Sirius mumbled and Remus hummed in response, leaning forward to kiss the top of his head. Shitty, shitty day. 

*

Dinner was a quiet affair. Teddy didn’t come downstairs and Harry ended up at the Weasley’s house for the night. Sleepovers there were weird now that Harry and Ginny were dating, but Mrs. Weasley assured Remus and Sirius that Harry always slept in Ron’s room. The least of Remus’ concerns today was which room Harry was sleeping in, but it was at least comforting to know one of their kids would be staying out of trouble.

After dinner, Remus did the washing up in silence and then excused himself to head upstairs to talk with Teddy. He still didn’t know exactly what he wanted to say, but he had to say something.

“Teds.” Remus knocked on the door and waited for the ‘come in’, before he opened the door.

Inside his rooms the light was off, there was no music playing, no art scattered amongst the floor. There was just Teddy curled in a ball under his sheets, Lady sprawled out next to him.

“Can we talk?” Remus stayed by the door, knowing if this talk was going to go anywhere he had to be patient. Teddy wouldn’t speak if Remus came in here bulldozing the place down.

“Yeah.” Teddy pushed himself up and reached for his bedside lamp to flick it on. It was obvious he had been crying, his face puffy, cheeks blotchy, and eyes red rimmed.

Remus shut the door behind him and made his way to Teddy’s desk chair, ignoring the way his knees ached in pain as he bent them. On top of everything else today had to offer, a flair up of his joints was just the cherry on top.

“There’s leftovers in the fridge for you.”

“Thanks, I’m not hungry right now.”

“That’s okay.” Remus had never forced Teddy to eat if he wasn’t hungry. As a kid there were times where he wasn’t hungry for dinner or only ate a quarter of his plate and that was okay with Remus. He wanted Teddy to have a good relationship with his food. He wanted the best for Teddy in every aspect of his life. Always had and always would.

“I’m sorry about today.”

“I know, Bug. It doesn't make it okay though. What you did could’ve cost you your entire education.”

“Yeah…but it didn’t.”

“Yes but that’s because Sirius fought tooth and nail to get Dumbledore to keep you in school. You’ll need to thank him when you’re ready and apologize properly to him too. You stole from the both of us.” Remus paused for a few beats before continuing. “What’s going on, Teds? We used to talk about everything and now I feel like you have a million secrets I don’t know.”

“I don’t have to tell you everything, I’m allowed to keep secrets.” Teddy had been so defensive the last few months and Remus hated this new side of him.

“Did I say that?” He waited for Teddy to shake his head before continuing. “You don’t have to tell me everything but please talk to me about some of what’s going on so I can support you. If you don’t want to talk to me, talk to Sirius or talk to your therapist or even talk to Mrs. Weasley, but you need to talk to someone.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. I am fine!”

“Teddy, clearly you’re not fine. You wouldn’t be doing this–”

“I’m fine, dad! I’m just a little stressed, okay? And about the cigarettes, some guy in class was talking about wanting cigarettes and I told him I had some and then it just spiralled. He told someone else who told someone else. I’m not going to do it again though, I have everything under control, so stay out of it!”

“You don’t though, do you?” Remus worked hard to keep his voice level, not wanting to stoop to Teddy’s level of shouting. “You’re barely passing your classes, you’re stealing from your parents, you’re trying drugs, you’re selling cigarettes, you’re self harming–”

“How did you know that?”

“I found out a while ago.” Remus wouldn’t throw Harry under the bus for telling him. Teddy didn’t need to know where he got the information.

“That doesn’t have anything to do with any of this! I’m allowed to do what I want! It’s my body!”

“Teddy, I–” Remus let out a sigh, squeezing his eyes shut. “The point is, something is going on and you need help. Things will get out of control if this is the path you continue to go down and I just want to see you do better. There are so many resources out there, for everything I mentioned.”

“I don’t need bloody help.” Teddy pushed himself up and out of his bed, crossing his arms across his chest. “Please get out of my room.”

“We need to talk, Teddy.”

“No we don’t! We don’t need to fucking talk!” Teddy shouted, tears filling up in his eyes again. “Get out!”

Remus stared at him, his mouth threatening to open in shock. He hardly recognized the person in front of him.

*
It turns out Remus’ body did not respond well to all the stress and fighting. He ended up sitting down with Teddy again, this time with Sirius, and they managed to have a very long, productive talk about what’s been going on. Teddy admitted that he had been feeling very anxious lately and he had agreed to talk to his psychiatrist about trying different medication for his anxiety, as the one he was currently on didn’t seem to be helping anymore. He had apologized again, this time more earnestly, and things felt slightly better. He was still suspended and grounded so he spent all his time with Remus, either at the shop so Remus could make sure he was out of the trouble, or at home in his room while Sirius or Remus were home too.

Teddy seemed to be doing better but Remus was not. Everytime Teddy was alone in his room he feared what was going on. Was he smoking again? Was he cutting himself? Was he planning an escape from the house because he didn’t want to be grounded anymore?

It all came crashing down on him a week after the incident occurred, his body no longer able to handle the stress. Which is how he found himself leaning over the toilet, knees aching from the cold tile floor he was kneeling on.

“Love, what can I do?” Sirius whispered, running a hand up and down his back.

“Just a migraine…it’ll go away.” Remus used to get bad migraines in University, especially around finals week, but he had been managing his stress much better these days. Once in a while he’d get one, but it wasn’t a common occurrence anymore and he had tools and medication to get him through.

Nothing seemed to be helping this time around. It had been bad for hours, his body finally deciding it was time to enter the vomit stage of the migraine. Oddly enough, he tended to feel better after being sick.

“From stress?”

“Most likely.” Sirius had been out all day at the studio but ended up coming home early when Remus texted that his head was feeling worse than it had been this morning. “Nothing I can do about it though…life is just stressful.”

“I know…” Sirius continued to rub up and down his back as Remus dry heaved, nothing left in his stomach to come up. “You need a break.”

“I need a year long vacation.” Remus sat back on his heels when he felt it safe to do so, looking over to his partner pathetically. He probably looked like a mess right now.

“You could go visit your parents.” Sirius moved his hand from Remus’ back to his face, gently cupping his cheek and stroking a thumb over his stumbly skin. “Take a few days to enjoy the peace and quiet, go help with the barn animals and eat your mum’s cooking.”

“S’not a bad idea.” Remus had been talking about how much he missed his parents. They were all so busy though, it was hard to find time where all four of their schedules allowed for the trip to Wales. “I have a delinquent child who needs babysitting though.”

“Take him with you. I’m sure some fresh air and a change of scenery will be good for him. Your parents can help watch him and he’d love to see them.”

“What about you and Haz?”

“We’ll stay here and have a fun, godson-godfather bonding weekend, AKA he’ll probably be at a friend’s place so I’ll get the whole house to myself.”

“I see what this is.” Remus smiled weakly, leaning into Sirius’ gentle touch. “You just want us all out of the house.”

“Yes.” Sirius agreed, leaning forward to kiss his forehead. “No. I want you to feel better and I think getting you out of town may help.”

“Okay, I’ll call them when my head calms down a bit, try to arrange something for the next few days. I’ll close the shop up for a few days, give the twins a little break too.” They were great employees, despite their mischievous side, but Remus wouldn’t trust them alone for the weekend.

*

Three days later, Remus and Teddy packed up the car and drove to Wales for their mini vacation. Remus’ parents were thrilled about their arrival, despite the circumstances. He had been talking to his mum frequently the last few weeks, feeling like a total fuck up of a parent and needing his own parent’s advice.

The ride was quiet, Teddy opting to just listen to music through his headphones and nap and Remus stuck listening to whatever CDs Sirius had left in the car. The service was so spotty near his parents house that the radio was hardly audible through all the static. Luckily Sirius had excellent taste.

Upon their arrival, Hope Lupin was waving from the porch, a wide smile on her face. She was wearing dirt covered dungarees, evident she had been out back doing some gardening, and her hair was pulled back in a messy plait. She greeted both boys with a huge grin, pulling Teddy in first for a giant hug.

“Hello my love.” She kissed the top of Teddy’s head before pulling away, patting his cheek gently. “You’re just like your father, growing like a weed.”

“Hi, Nan.” Teddy chuckled, shoving his hands in his pocket. Remus hated the awkward tension that was blooming around them. Teddy loved coming to visit, he loved his grandparents, loved being on the farm with all the animals. He shouldn’t be acting like this.

“Are you hungry? I just finished cooking lunch.”

“Yes!” Teddy perked up at this, Hope laughing and stepping aside to let Teddy in. She pulled Remus into a hug next. Remus towered above her in height, but he always felt so small and protected in her hugs, like no one could touch him here. His mum would keep him safe. He wondered if that’s still how Teddy felt around him.

“Hi, Mum.” Remus breathed in her sweet, citrusy scent, squeezing her tighter before finally letting go. “Thanks for having us.”

“Oh, Cariad, you know you are welcome any time. I’m just sorry Sirius and Harry couldn’t make it this time, but I understand the circumstances.”

“Yeah, they both send their love. Sirius also sends a nice bottle of wine, I have it in my bag for you and Da.” Remus stepped into his childhood home, letting out a slow exhale. “We both need a few days off.”

“I know, sweetheart.” Hope reached a hand up to gently rub his shoulder. “Let me help take some of the weight off your chest, okay?” Remus smiled, nodding his head. Not so long ago it was him telling Teddy that exact same sentiment and look where that got them.

*

“Astrid had kittens a few weeks ago.” Remus was following behind his mother, who was leading them into the barn. Teddy was inside catching up with Lyall, so Remus took the opportunity to have some alone time with his mum.

“Oh? Who’s the lucky fella?”

“Some neighborhood stray.” Hope clucked her tongue in annoyance, pausing when she got to where Astrid and five adorable kittens lay. “I was told Astrid was fixed when we adopted her, but here we are–”

Remus knelt down in front of the cats, trying to make himself as small as possible as to not scare them. He must be terrifying to these newborns. He wanted to reach out and pet them, but he let them be. Astrid and her babies were curled up in a makeshift nest of blankets and hay, all the kittens completely asleep curled next to their mother and on top of one another.

“God, they’re so small.” Remus whispered, shaking his head in awe. “Are you going to keep them?”

“I was going to give two to the neighbors, once the kittens are a little older. They have two kids a little younger than Teddy. Lisa, their mum, had mentioned to me the other week how they were on the hunt for some cats.”

“So you’ll keep the other three?”

“Well, I was wondering if you may like to take one of them?”

Remus couldn’t help but laugh at this, looking up at his mum as if it was the craziest thing she’s ever said. The whole reason they were here is because Remus was having a minor breakdown and Teddy was being well…a teenager.

“Think Sirius may kick me to the curb if I bring more chaos into the house.”

“Oh please, Sirius thinks it’s a lovely idea. I texted him photos of the kittens the night they were born.”

“What!” Remus scoffed, shaking his head. “Why are you two scheming behind my back?”

“He told me you were less likely to say no if you saw how cute they were in person.” Hope gave him a gentle smile, reaching forward to gently stroke Astrid. She opened her yellow eyes at the touch, nudging his head into Hope’s open palm with a gentle purr.

“I can hardly take care of my son, I doubt adding a new animal to the mix would be very wise.”

“Remus…” She sighed, pulling her hand away. “You are doing a wonderful job with Teddy.”

“But I’m not, am I? Look at the mess we’re in right now.”

“How is that your fault? You didn’t tell him to sell cigarettes. You didn’t tell him to get caught and suspended. You didn’t tell him to try drugs.”

“No, but I–”

“No buts, Remus John. You did not force him to do any of those things, those are all choices he had made for himself. You have always offered him support and made sure yourself and Sirius were people he could come to if he was struggling. It was his choice to make all of these decisions.”

“I just feel like I’m somehow the reason he’s doing all of this. Like…like I raised him the wrong way or that the divorce somehow traumatized him and now it’s all coming back up.”

“Maybe so.” Hope reached forward to take Remus’ hand. “Maybe he is traumatized. Maybe he is unhappy. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk. And yet, none of that is on you. He’s fourteen, Remus, he’s going to make mistakes and stupid decisions. Trust me, you were no better at his age.”

“What?! I–”

“You weren’t as sneaky as you thought you were.”

Remus, despite being in his thirties, blushed deeply as if he was the fourteen year old. He always thought his mum was oblivious to all of his choices. All the pot, smoking, and sneaking out. Remus made stupid decisions, but he came around in the end. Things turned out okay for him.

“Do you think I’m a bad mother because of the choices you made when you were a teen?”

“No. I think you’re brilliant and you raised me the best you could, given how much of an arse I was to you all the time.”

“Mhm.” Hope reached forward and cupped one of Remus’ cheeks, her thumb gently stroking his skin. “Now remind yourself of that next time you start beating yourself up, hm? You’re doing the best you can, Remus, and you’re raising a brilliant boy.”

“Okay.”

“Good.” Hope dropped her hand and pushed herself up, dusting off her knees. “Now c’mon, you have to pick what kitten you want to take home.” 

 

*

The night before they were supposed to go home, Remus was awoken by a call. Rather, five missed calls, but he finally woke up on the sixth. He reached over blindly for his cell, pressing answer without bothering to check who it was.

“Hello?” His voice was deep and coated with sleep, his brain foggy as he tried to get himself fully conscious.

“Remus, it’s Regulus…” Sirius’ voice was panicked, enough to send panic through Remus' body and get him fully awake. “He’s dead.”

 

*

Regulus Black died of an overdose three nights ago, though Sirius had only just found out. Some policeman had banged on their door in the middle of the night, asking Sirius if he had any connections with the man in the photograph, the man being Regulus. Sirius had called Remus immediately after, begging him to come home. Despite it being two in the morning, he woke his parents and Teddy, packed the car, and they were off.

All he told Teddy was that there had been an emergency with Sirius’ family and they needed to go home, not wanting to share any more details right now. Sirius hardly could get the words out himself.

Apparently they had found Regulus’ body at the bottom of a lake after a fisherman had made a report. After the autopsy and toxicity reports, they found his body was full of drugs and they had estimated he had been in the water for three days. There was no note. There was no trace of his prior whereabouts. There was nothing. There was no proof that the overdose was on purpose or an accident. 

No one had heard from Regulus in weeks. Except for Sirius, via the text messages he was ignoring.

The guilt was eating both of them alive. Remus was the one who encouraged Sirius to stop responding, but Sirius was the one who actually did it. Were they to blame for his death?

*

The drive home was horrible. It took long, despite the early hour, the kitten (still unnamed) was meowing for dear life, and Teddy complained half the ride about how tired he was. Once they finally parked, Remus told Teddy to take the cat in his room and go back to bed.

Remus abandoned the bags in the car and hurried in behind Teddy, not bothering to even take his shoes off before climbing the stairs to their bedroom. Inside, Sirius was curled on top of the bed, his knees to his chest and his eyes red from crying. It had been hours since their call, yet the tears were still fresh. 

“Sweetheart…” Remus rushed to the bed, sitting down and pulling Sirius’ head into his lap. He carded his fingers through his boyfriend’s messy hair, his own eyes filling with tears.

“I should’ve given him money.”

“No, love. That wouldn’t have changed anything.”

“I…we….” Sirius let out a broken sob, his arms wrapping around Remus’ thigh. “I should’ve forced him into rehab. I should’ve tried h-harder.”

The tears dripped down Remus’ cheeks at this. He didn’t know what to say or what to do. What was he supposed to say in a moment like this?

“I’m so sorry, love. I’m so, so sorry.” Remus whispered, his hand moving from Sirius’ hair to his back.

“I f-fucked up. I fucked up.” Sirius’s body was shaking with every sob that escaped his lips. “Fuck, shit. I fucked u-up. The worst part is I’m still so m-mad at him too…I’m mad and frustrated and h-heartbroken and-”

“Oh, love. Shh….” Remus cooed, trying to keep his own breathing steady. This was not his fault. This was no one’s fault. It was addiction. They had done everything in their power to help Regulus, he just wasn’t ready to accept that help yet. Even if Sirius had forced him into rehab, Regulus was an adult and most likely would have checked himself out.“Take a breath….follow my breathing.” Remus took a dramatic breath in, held it for three seconds, and then loudly exhaled. He did this again and again until Sirius followed and eventually calmed his body down. “This is not your fault, Sirius.”

*

The funeral was three days later. Sirius didn’t really have anyone to invite so it ended up just being him, Remus, and the two boys. Sirius had told Remus it was pointless to even have a funeral at this point. Regulus didn’t have any friends or family. He was alone. He had Sirius but even that relationship had dwindled down to practically nothing. Remus had reminded Sirius that, even if it was small, having a proper goodbye may help settle things and that Sirius may live to regret it if he didn’t.

So that’s what they ended up doing. Sirius spent a fortune on a good casket, a funeral director, a nice church to hold the funeral, flowers to line every (empty) pew, and even bought a new suit for himself.

Remus stood in the front row next to Sirius, holding his hand tightly, Teddy and Harry on either side of them. The room was empty besides them, the closed casket, and the funeral director, who stood politely at the back of the room. Remus wondered if she had seen a lot of empty ceremonies like this, or if this was a first? Was she judging them? Was she curious as to who this mysterious, friend-less Regulus Black was? Regardless, Remus tried to ignore his thoughts and instead focus his energy on the man next to him. Sirius needed him today, no one else mattered.

*

After the ceremony, Sirius insisted they all go out to lunch as his treat, but Remus could tell he was a second from falling apart. He could only go for so long before he crashed. Unlike Remus, Sirius dealt with stress by pushing it all down, keeping himself busy, and then eventually it all blew up. Remus shut down almost immediately when dealt with stress, like his body knew it had to get rid of it.

“Love, how about we go home and I can cook for us? Or we can order in?”

“I want us to go out to lunch though, I’m sure the boys are hungry. I feel bad for dragging everyone around today for this.” Sirius was anxiously fiddling with the edge of his suit sleeve. Remus glanced out at the car park, Harry and Teddy laughing together over something on one of their phones. They’d be okay without lunch immediately, they knew today wasn’t about them.

“Sweetheart, they’re okay. I think we’d all just like to go home, hm? Get you out of the suit and into something more comfortable. I could run us a bath while we wait for food.” Remus reached over to grab onto Sirius’ hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “You’ve done so much the last few days, let me take care of the rest, okay?”

“I just…” Sirius shut his eyes. “Once I leave it’s over. Once we go home, Regulus is dead.”

Regulus would be dead regardless if they stayed in front of the church, sat in a booth at a cafe, or shared a bath in the comfort of their home. Regulus had been dead for days.

“We can stay here as long as you need, okay? You let me know when you’re ready, I’ll be right here with you.”

“What if I’ll never be ready?”

Remus leaned over and kissed the side of his head. “I’ll still be right here.”

*

They stayed outside the church for another forty five minutes before Sirius declared he was ready to go home. The boys didn’t complain once about having to wait around, and as promised, Remus held his hand and sat with him the entire time.

Remus did run Sirius and him a bath and order them all dinner, which they ate in front of the TV, all cuddled up on the couch together. It didn’t take the pain from the situation away, but it helped get them all through the rest of the evening.

They all went to bed earlier that night, even Lady and the kitten, who was now formally named Pepper, were curled up in their respective beds already. Remus and Sirius fell asleep quickly, Remus curled around Sirius, holding him close to his chest.

He was awoken to his shoulder being shaken, Teddy and Harry looking down at the sleeping pair. They were both in their pajamas, hair messy and eyes puffy from sleep.

“What’s wrong?” Remus whispered, slowly uncurling himself from around Sirius, who was still knocked out cold. He moved slightly to adjust to the loss of Remus, but didn’t seem to gain full consciousness.

“We can’t sleep.” Harry whispered in the dark room.

“What time is it?”

“Uh…” Harry glanced at the bedside table. “2:05am.”

“Have you both been up this entire time?”

“No, we both fell asleep in our own rooms but then I woke Harry up because I couldn’t sleep, but he couldn’t sleep either.” Teddy explained, letting out a yawn.

“Alright.” Remus nodded, trying to follow along. How was he meant to help them sleep? He supposed he could go read them a bedtime story like he used to do, but he doubted that would help.

“Does he always snore?” Harry giggled as Sirius let out a gentle snore, his face smooshed against the pillow.

“Unfortunately so. He’s a kicker too.” Remus smiled, rubbing both of his eyes. “How can I help you both sleep?” It had been a big day for everyone, Remus wasn’t surprised it was taking a toll on them. They hadn’t ever met Regulus, but the impact it had on Sirius was evident. No kid wants to watch their parent crumble.

“Can we sleep in here with you?” Teddy used to sleep in his bed a lot when he was younger, and then Harry joined them when they all moved in together. It was on special occasions, normally when one of them would have nightmares or the night before a big day where they were both too excited to sleep alone. They hadn’t all shared a bed since the boys were seven and nine respectively.

“We know we won’t really fit–” He threw a playful glare at Teddy. “Thanks to Mr. lanky limbs over here–”

“Hey! I can’t help it.” Teddy raised his voice and Remus shook his head at the silliness between the two of them, even in the middle of the night after a horrible day.

“Anyway, I know we won’t really fit but I’m…well, would you let us anyway?”

“Mhm.” Remus pushed himself up and over, moving further away from Sirius so that the two boys could fit in between the both of them.

Sirius did stir at this, mumbling out something incoherent before lifting his head off the pillow. His hair was a tangled mess around his face and his eyes were barely open.

“What?” He mumbled, his head already threatening to fall back on the pillow.

“Sleepover.” Harry said with no further explanation before he and Teddy crawled into the bed, making themselves cosy under the covers.

“Sleepover.” Sirius repeated, nodding his head before dropping it back down onto the pillow. “Okay.”

Remus smiled over at him, and then to his boys. They really didn’t fit and it turns out Teddy kicked in his sleep too, but it was the best sleep he had had in a long time. 

*

It was two months later that Remus caught Teddy smoking again. Remus had come home early from work, leaving the twins to close up, because he and Sirius had a date night. Teddy could’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for the fact he left the back door open and the smell of weed was wafting through to the kitchen.

After everything they had talked about, after everything Teddy had already been caught doing, Remus wanted to laugh at the stupidity of this boy. It was like he purposely wanted Remus to find him and yell at him.

He marched outside and loomed over Teddy, who was sitting on the porch steps, a lit joint in his hand and his knees pulled up to his chest.

“Are you kidding me, Teddy?”

Teddy jumped out of his skin, flipping around and looking up at his dad with wide eyes. He didn’t bother hiding the joint, no point in lying about what he was doing.

“You’re not supposed to be home!”

“And that makes it okay?”

“Well…no, but it makes it so I wouldn’t be caught.”

Yup. He was high. Sober Teddy wouldn’t respond like that. Remus bit back the groan wanting to escape his lips, reaching his hand forward for the joint. Teddy handed it over with a bit of hesitation and Remus wondered what thoughts could possibly be going through his head right now. Did he even care?

“We talked about this, no more drugs. I can't believe you, after everything we’ve been through the last few months. After the funeral, after watching someone die from drugs, you’re still sitting here smoking.”

“Pot and whatever Regulus took are not the name. It’s not like I’m shooting up.” Teddy rolled his eyes and Remus looked like he was about ready to smack this kid across the face. “Besides, m’not gonna kill myself. Pot isn’t that bad, it just helps with my anxiety.”

The lack of empathy, the stone cold expression, his slow motions. This was not the Teddy he knew and loved. This Teddy was vile and mean and sneaky.

“God, Teddy. Do you hear yourself right now? Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth?”

Teddy shrugged, looking away from his dad and back out to the garden where Lady lay sunbathing in the rare, winter sun.

“How often do you smoke?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes! Yes it fucking matters! You’re not even fifteen!” Remus reached down and stubbed the joint out in one of their potted plants before marching down the steps so he was in front of Teddy. “How long have you been smoking?”

“Everyday.”

“For how long?”

The silence was enough of an answer. Perhaps he didn’t need to know the details, it didn’t change what was happening.

“Are you still taking your anxiety meds? You said they were helping?”

“Never started them, just told you I did.” Remus wanted to shake Teddy, to get the nonchalance out of his tone. This wasn’t okay. His child wasn’t okay. “Weed helps more.”

“No.” Remus shook his head. “No, you’re not doing this.”

“It’s fine, dad! You hadn’t even noticed! Clearly it’s fine, I’ve been functioning, I’m not failing any of my classes anymore! Everything is okay!”

“Nothing is okay, Teddy! Nothing!” Remus shouted back, his throat feeling tight with anger and anxiety and fear. “None of this is okay.”

Teddy looked up at him with his beautiful grey eyes, the one he got from Remus. The eyes that used to look up at him and beg him for one more bedtime story. The eyes that would fill with tears when saying goodbye at the airport. The eyes that would crinkle with laughter when he heard a silly joke. The eyes that no longer looked like they had any life in them.

Remus couldn’t stand to look at him.

Notes:

ahhhhhhh how we feeling...? :)

also hi! I made an instagram finally!!!! peachyybabe.fics <3

Chapter 5: emails

Summary:

the last major time jump! also the last...remotely "happy" chapter lol

also shout out to fay for helping me name the dog <3 Toaster, gone but never forgotten

Four years had made all the difference for Teddy’s life. He grew out of the angsty teenage phase, quit the drugs, took his mental health more seriously, and finally grew into the boy Remus knew and loved. He was eighteen now, something that made Remus feel tremendously old. Wasn’t it just last week that Teddy was asking for help tying his shoes?

He had just graduated school, worked in the bookstore with Remus a few days a week, and had been creating art nearly everyday. He had even sold two pieces, with the help of Sirius’ excellent networking. Teddy wasn’t ready to go to university yet, but that was fine with Remus. So long as he stayed out of trouble, he could stay at home until he felt ready to go. Remus trusted him, or at least he told himself he did. There were moments he still feared walking in to find Teddy high again, but he wasn’t sure that would ever go away. He was a parent, it was his job to worry.

Harry had moved out quickly after he graduated, but that was because he wanted to move in with his girlfriend. Remus had been secretly doubtful of their success rate, because they had gotten together so young, but they were happier than ever. Everything seemed to finally be slotting into place. 

Sirius was having a small breakdown over empty nesting, but Remus assured him some peace and quiet around here would be good. Harry was nearby, all their friends lived in the same city, they had dinner with Minnie and Poppy once a week, and, for the time being, Teddy was just down the hall with no plans to leave. He would leave, one day, but for now their nest was still full. 

“Do you think we should let him go?” Remus was sitting behind Sirius, plaiting his freshly washed hair. They were going to the Weasley’s for dinner tonight to celebrate the beginning of summer for the kids, a tradition that started a few years ago. Teddy was the youngest of the bunch so this would technically be the last summer celebration, though he doubted that would stop them from gathering. They’d find different reasons to celebrate.

“I think that if we say no he will go anyway.” Sirius was looking ahead of himself and at the mirror, his and Remus’ reflection looking back. Remus looked up and met mirror Sirius’ eyes. 

Harry, Ginny, Ron, and Hermione had all planned to go on a Europe road trip, of sorts, this summer. They were going to travel around, hike, and explore as much as they could before the summer was over and they all went back to University and their jobs. Teddy had been wanting to go along, Harry having invited him, but Remus was scared. He was freshly eighteen, still a kid in his mind.

“I know. I’m just scared. This is a huge step.” 

“It’s just for the summer. He’ll be back in a few weeks.” 

“Yes but…” 

“I know, love.” Sirius mumbled. And he did. He knew it all. He shared all the same worries Remus had. Teddy was just as much his son as he was Remus’. 

Remus finished tying the second plait, leaning forward to kiss the back of Sirius’ head to indicate he was finished. Sirius flipped around on the bed, moving to straddle Remus’ lap. 

“I think we should let him go. Let him prove to us that he’s the same good kid he’s been the last few years. He’ll be with four other people, four wonderful people. If he gets into trouble, Harry will be there and he’ll let us know.” 

“I don’t want Harry to have to be a spy. It’s his vacation, too.” Remus settled his hands on Sirius’ waist, his thumbs gently stroking back and forth over the soft material of his shirt. 

“He won’t be and we won’t bring it up to him. I was just saying, he will be there and he’ll keep an eye on Teddy, just like he has the last 13 years. It’s what big brothers do.” Remus had a feeling that Sirius was thinking of Regulus. 

“Okay.” Remus nodded, letting out a slow breath. “Alright, yes. We’ll tell them all tonight.” 

“Good.” Sirius leaned forward and connected his lips to Remus’, humming gently in his mouth when Remus tightened his grip. “But for now, let’s make use of the rarely empty house, yeah?” 

“Definitely.” 

*

They were only fifteen minutes late, both arriving with rumpled clothes and Sirius’ plaits a lot messier than Remus had originally done them. 

They let themselves into the house, the party in full swing outside. Remus unclipped Lady from her harness, the dog running through the garden until she found her boys. Teddy fell to his knees in front of her, scruffing up her ears and coo-ing words at her. Remus had to stop and smile at the scene. The dog was old and greying now and Teddy was a recent graduate about to start his adventure into the real, scary, grown up world. Still, Remus saw his little boy and puppy meeting for the first time over a decade ago. 

“Sorry we’re late.” Remus greeted Molly with a hug and kiss to her cheek. “Lost track of time” 

Marlene, who had become a steady presence in their summer parties just scoffed. She walked over to where Sirius was and tugged his shirt down, low enough to expose the purple bruise blooming on his pale collarbone. 

“Oi!” Sirius rolled his eyes and shoved Marlene off of him. “Mind your own business, McKinnon.” 

“There’s no shame in a healthy sex life—” Molly began but Remus shook his head and cut everyone off. 

“Oh my god, we are not talking about this in front of our children.” He sat himself down on one of the empty chairs, wincing at the pain from his knees. He didn’t like getting older. 

“Why, sugarplum?” Sirius teased, using the worst pet name Remus had ever head. He kneeled in front of Remus to cup both of his cheeks. “There’s nothing wrong with a healthy sex life.” He squeezed Remus’ cheeks, which were a blushy shade of red, and made kissy sounds at him. 

“Bugger off.” He pulled his face away from Sirius and pushed him away, a smile tugging on his lips. “Go be a good partner and get me something alcoholic to drink?” 

“Yes, sir.” Sirius saluted dramatically and hopped back up to his feet. 

*

Dinner went well and, by the time Remus stood to say goodbye to everyone, his belly hurt from all the laughing he had done. With how busy everyone’s lives were and with all the kids growing up and moving away, it was rare to have these moments. 

“Dad--” Teddy came up to Remus, his cheeks flushed from running around with the boys and playing a makeshift game of footie. “I’m going to stay at Harry’s tonight. He just got a new game and Ginny’s currently kicking our butts. I can’t rest until I beat her in at least one round.” 

“Seems reasonable.” Remus chuckled and glanced over his shoulder to see Sirius coming up to them. “That’s fine, don’t forget your shift tomorrow morning.” 

“I won’t.” Teddy paused for a moment, shifting awkwardly on his feet. “So, have you and Sirius—” 

“You can go.” 

“What?” Teddy’s face lit up and he looked between his dad and Sirius, most likely assessing for any signs they were joking. 

“We talked about it earlier. You can go, but you need to check in with us frequently, okay? I don’t want you gone for six weeks with no contact.” 

“I’ll email you everyday!” Teddy lunged forward and hugged Remus and then Sirius. “Thank you so much! Holy shit, this is going to be amazing—” He grinned widely and turned around, running to where Ron and Harry were. “You guys, guess what?!” 

“Think we made his evening.” Remus leaned into Sirius’ side, the other man wrapping an arm around his shoulder and kissing the side of his head. 

“I think we made his year.” 

*

The night before the big trip, Harry and Teddy decided it would be fun to spend the night and have a sleepover, just like they did when they were younger. They set up a comfy floor bed in Harry’s room for Teddy and Remus smiled as he heard the familiar sound of their laughter floating down the halls. It was so quiet these days. 

He walked into the bedroom to find Sirius sitting on the edge of the mattress, looking at a framed photo. Remus didn’t need to ask to know what he was looking at. 

“It’s scary how similar Harry looks to James. Sometime I’ll see him in the corner of my eye and I’ll think it’s James.” Sirius set the frame photo of James, Lily, and baby Harry down on the nightstand. “I never got to see James grow up and now Harry is almost older than he ever got to be.” 

Remus nodded, sitting next to Sirius on the bed. He wrapped an arm around his shoulder, knowing no words could be worthy enough to help with Sirius’ pain. He could be here for his partner, but he’d never fully get it. Remus was lucky enough to not have lost anyone close to him. 

“It’s not fair.” Sirius eventually whispered. 

“It’s not.” 

“Now Teddy and Harry are leaving and…and I just feel like everyone’s gone. I’m losing everyone.” 

“You’re not losing me, love.” Remus placed a gentle kiss to the top of his head. “Never me.” 

“Never you.” Sirius repeated softly. A comfortable silence took over, Lady’s heavy breathing the only sound in the room. She was passed out on her doggy bed, Pepper curled asleep on Remus’ pillow. 

“Remus?” 

“Yes?” 

“Do you think we should have another kid?” 

“Absolutely not.” Remus grinned at this, pulling apart to look at Sirius in the face. Sirius gave him a smile back. The request wasn’t serious, neither of them wanted to start over with raising a kid. They were just getting peace and quiet, Remus wasn’t going to replace that with a screaming baby and no sleep. 

“It’ll be so quiet around here though.” Sirius whined and Remus reached forward to cup his cheek, stroking his skin. 

“I know, but we will manage. We’ll probably even enjoy having the space to ourselves for a few weeks.” 

“Yeah, alright.” Sirius nodded, leaning into Remus’ touch. He was silent for another moment before perking up. “What about another dog?” 

Maybe age was making him crazy or maybe he just wanted to make Sirius happy, but either way the words left his mouth before he had time to actually think about it. “Yeah, alright.”

*

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Amsterdam!!

Hi Dad!

We just arrived in Amsterdam and it’s gorgeous here. I attached some photos in this email for you to see. We just settled into our hotel room after a long day of delayed flights and train rides. We’re supposed to be going down to eat dinner, but everyone except me has crashed. We’re all sharing a room, to save money, so it’s a bit of a tight squeeze. Ginny and Harry are in one bed, Hermione and Ron in the other, and I’m on the floor in a makeshift blanket bed. We said we’d all take turns sleeping on the floor throughout our trip, but I have a feeling this is where I’ll end up most nights. It’s not so bad though, the amazing view from our room makes up for it. 

How are you and Sirius? I miss you guys already and your delicious pancakes you’d probably be making me in the morning.

Love you!

Teddy

*

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Amsterdam!!

Teds, 

These photos look amazing, can’t wait to see what else you take pictures of! Sleeping is good, gives you all some time to recuperate before your long days of adventures ahead. 

Sorry to hear about the floor situation, but hopefully the blanket nest is comfy. Maybe in your next room there will be a pull out couch :-) 

Things have been okay here, though I don’t think Sirius knows what to do without his art buddy around. He keeps trying to get me to come paint something in the studio with him, but we all know I’m shite at it and would be doing nothing except wasting expensive paint supplies. 

We do have a bit of an announcement….we got another dog (see pictures below)! Her name is Clementine, she’s two years old, and some sort of black lab mix. We went down to the shelter this morning to check out the pups and we couldn’t leave without her. Her and Lady seem to be best of friends already, but Pepper is still warming up to her. All in good time. 

We passed another dog named Toaster (ridiculous name) and Sirius wanted to take him home as well. We had to have a long talk about how we couldn’t have three dogs and a cat at home. Clementine, Lady, Pepper, you, and Harry are more than enough for our family. 

I can’t wait for you and Harry to meet her, 

Dad.

*

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: The hike of death

Dad, 

Well, this is the last time we ever let Ron pick us a trail to hike on. It was so steep that even with our proper hiking gear, we still all almost died. I envy Harry who decided to skip the hike because he wanted to go do some stupid sightseeing tour. An annoying, over the top tour guide seems a lot better than icing a bruised wrist and a bloody knee. 

But hey, at least the view was nice. Managed to take some photos of all of us (pre hike, mid hike, and post hike). Notice Ron’s tears in the last photo. 

Tomorrow, I’m picking the activity. 

Love,

(your broken) Son

*

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Clem’s big adventure

Teddy, 

Sirius is trying to train Clementine to be a sort of emotional support dog for him (which I’m all for!), but it’s a bit of a mess. He’s taking her with her everywhere he goes (where dogs are allowed), to accumulate her being in public. Today he decided to take her to the studio. She accidentally smacked her tail against one of Sirius’ wet paintings, painting not only herself but all the surrounding walls with every wag. In the chaos of it all, Sirius didn’t realize he had left the door open and Clem got out, running down the street. Some stranger on a skateboard stopped and used his belt as a makeshift leash to bring her back to Sirius. 

He called me crying once he got her safely back inside. I think training is going to be paused for a few days. 

Miss you. Glad you’re having fun. 

Dad

*

The first half of the trip was filled with emails back and forth almost every day, but as time went on, Teddy’s responses were more and more sparse. He blamed it on the shitty Wifi, and then on them being busy, and then on him just being forgetful. 

Remus was trying not to think too much into what was going on, but he was worried. Teddy had promised to stay in touch and he had been doing so well with it. Something must’ve happened, but Sirius told him not to push the matter. If there was an issue, Teddy would come to one of them. That’s what Remus told himself over and over again as he waited days for his son’s emails. 

It was the night before the group was meant to return that Remus got the notification from a new email. 

He was half asleep in bed, Sirius already passed out next to him. He reached for his phone, wincing from the light, and opened the app.

*

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: sorry

Hi Dad, 

Sorry for being MIA, we all caught some sort of stomach bug or food poisoning? It was probably from the sketchy pub we went to the other night. It was a miserable way to end the trip, but all is well now. 

We’re at the airport and are all so tired I’m scared we’ll fall asleep and miss our plane home. 

I can’t wait to see you, Sirius, and the pets. 

Love, 

Teddy

*

Remus and Sirius were at baggage claim with Molly, impatiently waiting for the arrival of all their kids. Teddy and Harry were going to sleep at home tonight, but tomorrow Harry would be back at his apartment with Ginny and their lives would continue on as normal. Teddy would be back to working at the shop, Sirius back in his studio, Harry back in classes. 

There was a rush of commotion and then Remus was suddenly being pulled into a tight hug by someone who looked suspiciously like his son. It couldn’t be his son though, because this boy was taller and skinner. Too skinny. His face was pale, his cheeks sunken in ever so slightly. He had a nose ring and faded blue hair, something Teddy didn’t mention in any of his emails. 

Remus forced a smile on his face despite the state of Teddy. The stomach bug must’ve really taken it out on them, but, looking around, no one else seemed to be in the same state. Everyone else looked healthy, tan, smile-y. Why did his son look like this?

“Welcome back!” Remus reached out to ruffle Teddy’s hair. “Nose ring?” 

“Yeah! Do you like it?” Teddy grinned and Remus kept his forced smile on his lips. The ring was fine, it was the rest of him that was a mess. 

“I do, it’s very cool.” Sirius chimed in, Remus taking too long to answer. “Suits you and your edgy, punk rock look.” 

“Punk rock?!” Teddy gasped dramatically, shaking his head. “Sirius, please. I am not going for punk rock.” 

“Yeah, he’s going for cool and mysterious.” Harry added unhelpfully, taking his turn to hug Remus and Sirius. 

Why did Harry look so good? Why was Teddy so different? What had happened on that trip? Why Why Why…

In the midst of his internal debate, Sirius had led them all out of the airport and to their respective cars. Teddy and Harry clambered into the back, chatting happily amongst themselves and Remus sat in the passenger seat, his movements numb. 

Sirius reached over to squeeze his knee, raising a brow and asking a wordless “you okay?” with his look. 

Remus just nodded at his partner and averted his gaze, keeping it glued to the dashboard the rest of the way home.

*

Teddy skipped dinner, despite Remus making it specially for him. Harry ate enough servings for the both of them, so at least none of it was going to waste. Teddy complained about his stomach hurting still and excused himself to his room for the rest of the night. 

Sirius put on a movie for them all to watch after dinner, but Remus abandoned Sirius and Harry to go check in on Teddy instead. 

He knocked gently on the door, waiting for the quiet “come in”, before opening up. Teddy had only been back a few hours and already his room looked lived in again. His clothes were strewn about the place and his sketchbook was open again, a few pens scattered across his desk. 

On the bed, Teddy laid curled in on himself with a book in hand, Lady on the foot of his bed. She had missed him more than anyone else. If she could talk, Remus knew she would tell everyone that Teddy was her favorite. 

“Wanted to check in.” Remus sat on the edge of Teddy’s bed, reaching forward to touch his son’s forehead. He had a fever. “You’re burning up.” 

“S’fine.” Teddy closed the book he was reading, not bothering to even mark the page he was on. “It’ll pass. I took some paracetamol.” 

“I don’t think this is from food poisoning, Teds. That normally only lasts a day.” 

“I said I’m fine, Dad.” Teddy pushed his body up, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Hey…calm down, I’m just worried about you.” 

“Well you don’t need to be. Clearly I can take care of myself. I’ve been doing so the last six weeks.” 

“I know you can, but I’m your dad. It’s my job to worry about you.” 

“Well, I don’t need you to.” Teddy spat, rolling his eyes.
I don’t need you. I don’t need you. I don’t need you.
Remus flinched at whatever monster was taking over his son’s body. He wasn’t like this before the trip and suddenly all of Remus’ worries came flooding back. He shouldn’t have let him go. 

“Okay.” Remus didn’t have a fight left in him, so he pushed himself up from the bed and headed towards the door. “If you still have a fever tomorrow, I’m taking you to the doctors.” 

“Whatever.” Teddy picked his book back up, his attention back to the pages.

*

“Teddy looks horrible.” It was Sirius to finally bring it up, later that night when they were sharing a bath together. They were sitting opposite one another, their legs tangled in the middle. 

“I know.” Remus had his head leaning back on the rim of the tub, his eyes closed as he soaked up the last of the warmth from the water. They were approaching the time where the bath went from relaxful to awkward and cold. “He bit my head off earlier when I tried to check in on him. He has a fever.” 

“Do you think he’s—” High? Yes. Remus did. Remus thinks he absolutely spent his last six weeks getting high on his getaway trip with four other young adults. 

“Weed doesn’t do that to you, Sirius.” 

“No…” Neither of them had the heart to bring up that Teddy must’ve taken something a lot stronger for his body to be withdrawing like this. The mood swings, the fever, the stomach cramping. It made sense. Horrible, horrible sense.

*

Teddy’s mood had improved drastically after the first awful night. He still didn’t look great, but seemed happier and at ease. He didn’t complain of stomach pains anymore and his appetite had returned. He still seemed shaky and a little out of it, but he said he was good enough to go back to work. He wasn’t biting Remus’ head off every chance he could, but Remus could tell something was still off. Remus felt like he had to walk on eggshells around him, that one wrong thing would lead to him exploding. 

In the end, it wasn’t Remus who had to deal with the explosion. 

Remus was in Sirius’ office, deleting the last paragraph he had typed for his book. He had been struggling for years to finish his story. He had created a world, mapped it all out, predicted it would be three full books. He didn’t know if he’d ever get it published, but he wrote it more for his enjoyment anyway. The last few months though, his inspiration had been down the drain. He hated every word he tried to write and he felt the characters were becoming dull and repetitive. 

He held his finger on the delete button until his screen was blank again, the blinking cursor taunting him. If he could just focus, he could write something great. His mind was always elsewhere though. Always on his job, always on Sirius, always on his kid, always—

He turned his head when the shouting began. It was muffled, most likely coming from the backyard, but loud enough for Remus to make out a few words here and there. Sirius and Teddy. 

He rushed out of the room and down the steps, nearly tripping over Clementine, who was covered in dirt, in the process. He didn’t catch the whole sentence, but he did hear the end of it, which is the only part that mattered. 

“—you’re not my dad! You don’t get to tell—” Teddy was shouting, cut off by Remus flinging the back door open. 

“Hey!” He interrupted, looking between Sirius, Teddy, and the bottle of pills in Sirius’ hand. “What the hell is going on?” 

He had always feared one day this conversation would happen, though he had hoped Teddy had enough decency not to use it against Sirius. They had avoided the whole “you’re not my dad” fight and Remus really thought Teddy had grown up enough to not stoop so low. Sirius was just as much a dad to Teddy as Remus was. 

“He’s high.” Sirius tossed the bottle towards Remus, who somehow managed to catch it. Inside the unlabeled bottle were a dozen or so white pills. 

“It’s none of your business what I am! You’re going through my things again!” Teddy screamed. 

“Going through your things? Are you insane? Are you actually that delusional to somehow think this is my fault?”

“What happened?” Remus asked, taking a few steps closer. 

“I was out in the garden and Clementine was digging in the roses again.” Well, that explained the dirt covered dog. “I went over to get her to stop and she had this bottle of pills in her mouth. Teddy has been hiding his drugs in our garden.” 

“Yeah because you two are so fucking nosy! You go through my stuff, I had to keep it away.” 

“No, no. You do not get to blame this on us.” Sirius shook his head. “You shouldn’t be taking these, and you most definitely shouldn’t be burying the pills in the garden to hide them. The lengths you are going to get high is concerning.” 

“Well, took you both long enough to find out. I say I’ve been doing pretty fine for myself.” Teddy threw his hands up and began to walk inside. 

“Hey—” Remus reached forward to grab onto the collar of Teddy’s shirt, keeping him there. Teddy shrugged out of his grip. “Hey!” Remus followed him inside, Sirius close behind. “You don’t get to talk to Sirius or me like that, do you understand? What you said was cruel and what you’re doing is…” Remus didn’t have the words in him to label what it was he was doing. Concerning? Crazy? Addict adjacent? Was his son an addict? 

“I can say what I want. You can’t control my words.” Teddy was making his way to the front door. “This house is like a fucking prison, I can’t do anything.” 

“Are you kidding me?” Sirius scoffed. “A prison? Teddy, we gave you everything. You are so spoiled and you have everything you could possibly need. You can’t blame it on us!” 

“Well I am.” Teddy slipped his shoes on, Remus rushing forward to try and stop him again. The pill bottle was still in his hand. He half thought Teddy might try to rip it free from his grip. 

“Where are you going?” 

“Why, am I on house arrest?” 

“No but—” 

Teddy opened the door, ignoring Remus advances to get him to stay inside. 

“Teddy! Come back here.” 

“No!” Teddy was halfway down the driveway when he finally turned around. “You two are ruining my life!” He spat, turned around, and marched away from the house. 

*

Remus was numb for the rest of the night. Sirius had stormed off to his office and Remus had retreated back to their bedroom. He laid on the bed and stared at the wall until the sun set and Sirius walked in, letting him know he was going to take out for dinner. Remus didn’t care, he felt too sick to eat.

“What are we supposed to do?” Remus whispered, Sirius perched on the side of the bed, his fingers carting through Remus’ curls. On the nightstand, in his sight, was the pill bottle. He had to get rid of it, somewhere Teddy couldn’t dig it up. 

“I don’t know.” 

“I’ve never seen him like that before.” 

“Me neither…” 

“I’m…” Remus sighed. “I’m sorry he said that to you. You’re his dad, just as much as I am.” 

“I know that...” Sirius moved his hand away and crawled onto the bed, wrapping his body around Remus’. “I know he didn’t mean it. Still hurt to hear though…” 

“God…I don’t know who he is anymore. I thought he was doing better. He told me he had been doing better. He told me he stopped smoking weed and now it turns out he’s high off of Benzos? Where is he even getting that shit from?” 

“I don’t know…” Sirius whispered, burying his nose in the back of Remus’ neck. 

“Did I really give him that awful of a childhood that he felt he had to turn to drugs and lying and stealing?” 

“No, love. We gave him a great childhood. I meant what I said when I told him he was spoiled. Him and Harry both. They got everything they needed and wanted. We always supported Teddy, we made sure he was happy, we took him to therapy when his anxiety got bad, we did it all right. This is on him.” 

“He’s gone…” 

“He’ll be back.” 

“But right now he would rather be out wandering at night than in this “prison” of a home.” Remus felt tears build in his eyes. “What the fuck are we supposed to do?” 

“I don’t know, sweetheart…” Sirius whispered, placing a gentle kiss to the skin behind his ear. “I don’t know.” 

Notes:

hi guys <3 plsss stop asking me when this fic will be updated! I have people commenting here, on my other fics, on my social medias, etc asking if I've abandoned this fic. Obviously I have not, the last update was less than a month ago. I do not need to defend myself, but I am so insanely busy that this fic is not my priority! It's very rude to keep messaging me asking about it!! She will be done when she is done. The whole fic is outlined, it has an ending, it's not being forgotten.

I'm so glad ya'll are enjoying it but also respect the author (me hehe) and trust I will give you the story all in good time! I would rather take my time and share something amazing than rush it all out in a month.

Chapter 6: three days

Summary:

hehe sorry for my absence, I present to you 9.4k of pure angst as an apology

He had been high the whole trip. Teddy returned an hour after he left and the truth came tumbling out of his mouth before the front door was even shut. He was high during his exams. He was high during graduation. He was high at the summer dinner. He had been high for months. Teddy told him he was just smoking weed, but turned to pills around exam season. He told Remus that he bought drugs from friends and strangers, met them in clubs or on the side of the street. He told him he used his allowance money and parts of his paychecks from the bookstore on pills, but that he didn’t have any more money. He spent the last of his savings during the Europe trip.

Remus wasn’t sure how he had hid it so well from them. Maybe Remus didn’t pay close enough attention? Maybe he should’ve done more? 

Teddy cried to him as he spilled the truth and Remus sat across from his son, sharing in the tears. Was Teddy suffering? Did he need help? What was Remus supposed to do? 

"Teddy, do we need to get you help?” 

“No, I’m done, Dad. They make me feel like shit, I’m done.” 

Teddy, for the first time in a long time, slept in bed between Sirius and Remus. It was a very tight fit and Remus slept halfway off the mattress all night, but he would do it over again if it meant Teddy felt better. 

Come morning, Teddy was gone again. 

Remus left the bed and went to Teddy’s room first, which was empty, then to the kitchen, which was empty, then out back, which was empty. He had a sinking, gut feeling, but he just hoped he was wrong. 

No. Teddy wouldn’t leave. Teddy apologized for everything he said and did. Teddy cried to him. Teddy finally opened up, he wouldn’t leave now. Was it all a ruse? Teddy wasn’t a good enough actor for it to be, Remus knew that. Maybe asking to sleep in their bed was his final goodbye. Would he ever return? Was this it? Had Remus spent his last night he had with his son without even realizing it? 

Without being able to stop them, tears dripped down Remus’ cheeks. He looked up into the early morning sky and sent a silent prayer to whoever was listening that Teddy would return home, that he was just down at the shops or out with Harry. 

When he went back to his son’s room, he noticed his bag, some clothes, and his journal missing. The journal he kept on his desk everyday, the journal full of his sketches and thoughts, covered with stickers he collected through the years. 

Teddy was gone. Really, truly gone.

Sirius found him on the floor of Teddy’s room some time later, walking in bleary eyed and hair a mess. He had clearly just rolled out of bed. 

“What happened?” 

“Teddy’s gone.” 

“What?” Sirius’ eyes widened and he looked around the room, as if Teddy was just hiding under the bed like he did when they used to all play hide and seek together when he was a kid. 

“Woke up and he wasn’t in the bed with us anymore. I checked everywhere and when I came here, I noticed his bag and some essentials gone.” 

“Why would he leave? I thought he said he…” Sirius paused, stopping his own thought.  

Maybe they were naive enough to believe last night's performance. That’s all it was. A performance. If it was real, Teddy would be curled up in their bed still, snoring away loudly and pushing Remus off the bed. 

“I don’t know,” Remus whispered, his cheeks wet with tears. “I don’t know.” 

Sirius knelt down next to Remus on the floor, reaching over to take his hand. “What’s the plan?” 

There was always a plan when Remus was involved. Remus lived off of plans. 

“I don’t know,” he whispered again. 

The silence was deafening as they both ruminated on their thoughts. 

“Right, first we need to call all his friends. There’s a chance he’s just with Harry.” They both knew, deep down, this wasn’t true. He would’ve let them know he was going to Harry’s. “Then, if he’s not, let’s call the Weasley’s.” Teddy had no reason to be there, now that everyone had moved out, but better safe than sorry. “Then, let’s call Tonks.” 

“He doesn’t have money for a train ticket to see her.” 

He also didn’t have money to buy more drugs, if what he told them last night was true. 

“Well, we need to call her anyway so she can keep an eye out.” 

“She’ll blame me.” 

“She can’t. There’s nothing you could’ve done. He’s eighteen, he’s an adult now.” 

“He’s my son.” Remus looked over to Sirius. “He’s my son and he’s missing.” 

“We’ll figure it out, okay?” 

Remus realised, after some more time had passed on the bedroom floor, that maybe they were just overreacting. Maybe Teddy would come back in a little while with coffee and bagels, a smile on his face. But then, why would he take his clothes? Why’d he take his duffel? Why’d he take his journal? 

Remus’ worries were solidified an hour later when he went to grab his wallet and noticed all the cash inside was missing. 

He didn’t tell Sirius about the money and he wasn’t sure why. It felt like a secret he needed to keep to himself because he didn’t want to hear anyone scrutinize his son. His little boy. Teddy was just a kid. He made a mistake, everyone did. He’d come back. 

*

“Okay, well please let me know if you see him, okay?” Remus had gone down the list of people he knew, no one having seen Teddy. 

“No luck?” Sirius was sitting across from him, worrying his lower lip. 

“No. Tonks is the last person on the list but I want to wait a little while longer. If he was there, she'd most likely reach out to me first anyway.” 

“Yeah,” Sirius nodded and stood up from his chair. “Come take a walk with me, hm? Get some fresh air.” 

“I don’t want fresh air.” 

“I know, but I think it would be good for the both of us. We can’t do anything more except wait.” 

Sirius was right but Remus felt if he left the house then he’d miss something. He’d miss Teddy’s return or he’d overlook some hint about where he was right now. He felt wrong going through Teddy’s belongings, but he felt he had no choice but to. He was going to give him until tomorrow before he started doing some proper digging around. 

“Please?” Sirius stood with his hand held out to Remus. 

“Okay.” Remus pushed himself up from the chair, his body cracking in far too many places as he changed positions. 

They both gathered the dogs, leashing them up before heading out. The weather was warm but the cool breeze chilled him just enough where a sweater was still needed. Did Teddy have a sweater with him? Was he cold right now? 

“Did you want to contact the police?” Sirius asked a few minutes into their walk. Clementine was currently sniffing in the plants, Lady unimpressed and ready to keep moving. 

“Tomorrow. They won’t do anything for us today.” He had looked up the wait time for filing a missing person’s report, and the website said he had to wait twenty four hours. 

“Okay, tomorrow, then.” Sirius gently pulled on Clementine’s lead to get her walking again. “For tonight, we’ll stay in and keep our ringer’s on, okay?” 

“Okay.” Remus kept his eyes glued to the ground as they continued their walk.

*

First thing the next morning, Remus rang the police station. 

“I’d like to file a missing person for my son.” 

“Alright, can you give me some information about the situation?” 

“Yes.” Remus cleared his throat, rubbing his tired eyes. He hadn’t slept more than an hour, tossing and turning all night. “He was gone yesterday morning when we woke up, with no signs of where he may be. We have contacted everyone we know to keep an eye out, but so far no one has gotten back to us.” 

Remus could hear typing on the other end as the woman filled in all the information. “Could I have a description of your son?” 

“Yeah. He’s around 5’8”, dyed purple hair, blue eyes. He’s eighteen and—“ 

“Sir.” The lady politely cut him off. “Is there a chance he may just be at a friend’s house? He’s eighteen, it’s common for kids to sneak out or go to friend’s houses without telling their parents.” 

“No, well…I mean, he could be, but it’s not likely. He always tells me where he goes.” 

“Do you have suspicion that he may be in danger?” 

Remus paused at this. He had a suspicion that he was on drugs, but was that danger enough to alert the police? Apparently Teddy had been on drugs for months and he had been managing just fine. Only difference now was that he wasn't home. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Is there suspicion that he may have intent to harm himself?” 

“No.” Teddy didn’t want to die. Remus would know. He would know the signs, he was his father. He’d know the signs. “I just—” 

“Sir, what I would recommend is just wait a little longer. It’s very likely he’ll show back up.” 

“And if he doesn’t?” 

“Then you can call us back in a few days. I don’t believe this case warrants a missing person report, though.” 

Remus hung up on her the moment the words left her mouth. What the fuck did she know anyway? 

*

Remus shut down the store for the next two days, not wanting to waste any energy on it. He had amazing employees who were capable of running the shop, but he wouldn’t be able to help if there was any sort of issue. He couldn’t be a good manager and store owner while his son was missing. 

“I’m going to Marlene’s for a bit, will you be here?” 

“Yes.” Sirius was on the couch, typing away on his computer. It was around the thirty hour mark since Teddy left and Remus was barely functioning. He needed some fresh air and a distraction. Staying in this house was going to lead him to an early death. 

“I won’t be gone long, just need to clear my head for a little.” 

“I know, love.” Sirius tilted his head back so he could look at Remus. He had the same dark circle under his eyes as Remus did, having hardly slept a wink. “I’ll stay here in case he comes back and I’ll call if there’s any updates, okay?” 

“Okay.” Remus felt selfish for leaving. He should be putting his life on hold and camping by his front door for his boy, but it wasn’t realistic. He and Sirius both had jobs, friends, family, responsibilities. They couldn’t hold off on their life forever. Remus was giving himself until the end of tomorrow to wait and then he would, begrudgingly, try and get back to life.  

He ended up walking to Marlene and Dorcas’ place, despite the ache in his body. His head throbbed and his knees ached by the time he knocked on the front door. 

“Come in!” Marlene shouted through the closed door. Remus opened the door and walked in, the scent of fresh bread hitting his nose. Marlene was a stress baker, which was normally nice, but right now he felt a little guilty that he had made her so stressed. 

Well…he didn’t, Teddy did. 

“Hi.” Remus walked into the kitchen, leaning against the counter. Her blonde hair was pulled into a high, messy bun, strands falling down around her face. 

“Hi, love.” She twirled around from the oven, giving him a tired smile. It was oddly touching how many people cared so deeply about his son. He didn’t like to see his friends in pain, but he felt comforted knowing he had their support. 

“Stress baking?” 

“Mhm. I know everything will be fine but I just feel so worried for him.” 

Tell me about it, Remus wanted to say. She knew though. Of course she knew. 

“I am, too. The police told me to call back in a few days but, after the last call, I don’t feel hopeful they’ll do anything.” 

“Yeah, well, not surprising. Fucking pigs,” Marlene scoffed and rolled her eyes. 

Remus just hummed in approval, squeezing his eyes shut. 

“Do you think he’ll come back, Marls?” 

“Yes.” 

“What if he’s dead?” 

“He’s not.” 

“But we don’t know that.” He felt like crying again, though he wasn’t sure if there were any tears left in his body. 

“He’s not dead, Rem.” Marlene walked over to him, reaching up to cup both of his cheeks. Remus fluttered his eyes open at the contact. “He’s not dead.” 

*

Harry was over by the time Remus had returned, fresh bread in hand. Marlene had driven him home, refusing to let Remus hurt his body just for some more fresh air. She said they could roll down the windows if he needed, but he wasn’t going to walk. 

“I’m back,” Remus called into the quiet house. He didn’t like when it was quiet. That’s never how this house was. It was loud and full of life, dogs and kids and friends filling the area. 

“Kitchen!” Sirius called back.

Remus walked into the other room and greeted Sirius with a kiss to his cheek and Harry with a ruffle to his messy hair. If Remus and Sirius looked bad, Harry looked horrendous. He looked like he hadn’t slept at all either, his eyes red rimmed from recent tears. 

“Marlene was stress baking, so—” Remus set the loaf onto the counter, no one moving. 

“That’s nice of her.” Sirius was resting his chin on his hand and Harry was nervously fiddling with the string on his hoodie. 

Remus sat down on one of the chairs next to Harry, reaching over to squeeze his shoulder. “Are you going to stay over?” 

“Yeah, it feels weird being at my place while this is all happening. Ginny will be there, in case he shows up, but I wanted to be back home.” 

“You know you’re always welcome. Reckon some livelihood in the house may make us all feel better.” 

“I don’t feel very lively,” Harry whispered, his eyes glued to the kitchen table. “I feel like shit.” 

“I know, kid,” Sirius chimed in, reaching forward to take one of Harry’s hands on the side opposite Remus. “He’ll come home though. He has to.” 

Harry looked up at Sirius and then to Remus, his eyes wide and terrified. Remus hadn’t seen him look that way since he was younger and had so many big questions about the big, scary world ahead of him. He had cried to them both about not knowing what he should do with his life and how many things frightened him and how he missed his parents, even though he hardly knew them. He was only twelve at the time and already held so much responsibility on his little shoulders. Remus wished he could’ve taken some of the pain from him then, and he wished he could take some of the pain away now. 

*

Remus was on his third cigarette when his phone rang. He pulled it out and, without looking, swiped to answer the phone. 

Teddy. Teddy. Please. Please. Please. 

“Hello?” 

“Hi, son. How are things going?” He would normally appreciate a call from his father, the man hardly making an effort to stay in touch, but right now the voice haunted him. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, much less the man who would judge him hardest. His father loved him, he knew this, but the man was harsh. 

“Well, you know. My son is missing, so—” Remus inhaled the cigarette and slowly exhaled, squeezing his eyes shut. 

“No update?” 

“No, Da. I would’ve called you and Mum if there was an update.” Remus’ response was snappy, though he didn’t have it in him to feel apologetic. 

“No need to be rude, Remus. I’m just checking in.” 

“And I appreciate that, but I’m just not in the mood to talk about it anymore. Everyone is on the lookout, no one has any updates, and all I can do is sit at home and pray for the front door to open to my son coming in.” 

“He didn’t leave any sort of note?” 

Remus bit back the groan trying to escape. “No, Da. He didn’t leave a note.” If he had left a note, they wouldn’t be in this mess. Remus would know why his son had left, known he was safe. 

“Well, have you tried—” 

“Listen, Da. I have to go, okay? Sirius just got home and I need to talk to him about some things.” Remus lied.

“Okay, Remus. Call me when you get any information, okay?” 

“Will do. Bye, Da.” Remus hung up the phone and threw it to the side carelessly. He buried his face in his hands and finally let out the groan he had been holding back. 

*

The next morning there was still no update. Remus, once again, slept like shit and he walked like a zombie into the kitchen to make himself some coffee. He normally went for tea, but he needed something stronger today. 

Harry was still asleep upstairs and Sirius was in the shower, having a self care morning, as he did once a week on his shot days. Although he had been on testosterone for years, he still liked to have a full care routine to build up to the shot. He had explained that he treated his body like shit for too long, and it was time to give back. Sometimes Remus would join him in a nice bath or share expensive face masks together, but most of the time Sirius liked to be alone. Today was one of those alone days. 

So, while Sirius went through his routine, Remus sat at the kitchen table bleary eyed and sipping his coffee. 

Sirius came down the stairs fifteen minutes later, wearing nothing but a bathrobe. His hair was done up in a towel and he had a mud mask on. He looked a little ridiculous and Remus wanted to snog him silly. 

“Morning, beautiful.” Remus smiled, but Sirius looked peeved. “What?” 

“Where did you put the needles?” 

“Under the sink, with the rest of your things. The same place they’ve lived for the last twelve years.” Remus sometimes picked up Sirius’ needles and testosterone, as he was at the pharmacy a lot for his own medications he took for his arthritis. 

“They’re not there.” 

“Yes they are. I put them there a few nights ago. I stopped by the pharmacy on my way home from work.” 

Sirius just looked at Remus, not needing to say what he was thinking. Remus read his expression, but shook his head at the silent accusation. 

“He wouldn’t do that, Sirius. He—” Remus pushed himself up from the table and headed towards the stairs. “He wouldn’t steal from us, from you. He…not your medication, he—” Remus still hadn’t mentioned the missing money from his wallet. 

“So the needles and syringes magically disappeared around the same time your son—” 

“Oh so he’s my son now?” Remus turned around when he made it to the top of the stairs, throwing a glare at his partner. “He’s been raised by both of us for twelve years but the second he does something wrong, he’s my son?” He raised his voice and Sirius climbed up the stairs as well, dragging Remus into the room. 

“We’re not having this fight right now, Remus.” 

“Oh, but aren’t we?!” 

“I didn’t mean to say it like that, okay?!” Sirius threw his hands up into the air, marching his way into the bathroom. “I’m fucking stressed about Teddy being gone and now my supplies are missing and it’s not something I can just ignore! I need to take my medication. Not to mention, if Teddy is stealing needles, I’d have to assume it’s because he’s using something stronger than pills.” 

“I’ll go get you more fucking needles,” Remus spat back, his heart pounding in his chest. He ignored the second part of Sirius’ comments, still in denial his son would do this. 

“No.” Sirius shook his head, reaching up for the towel on his head. He pulled it away and his damp curls cascaded down to his shoulders. “I’ll fucking go. I need some air.” 

Before Remus could protest, Sirius slammed the bathroom door shut and Remus heard the tap running. 

Remus went back down stairs to his, now cold, cup of coffee. He dumped the remains down the drain, leaning against the sink. His head was throbbing with a headache and his body aching from all the stress of the last few days. He wanted some fresh air too, but if Sirius was leaving, he would stay here. Someone had to be home. 

Sirius marched down the stairs a few minutes later, Remus still looking out the kitchen window. He turned to see him dressed in sweats and one of Remus’ jumpers, which was oddly endearing since they were in the middle of an argument. Despite it all, they loved each other and they were bound to explode at some point because of all of this. 

Remus opened his mouth to say something, but Sirius ignored him and went straight to the front door to leave. He made sure to slam the door behind him and Remus rolled his eyes as he walked to the living room. Ever the dramatic Sirius Black was. He loved the man, he did, but he had the temper of a teenager sometimes. 

A minute after Sirius left, Harry awkwardly crept down the stairs and looked nervously at Remus. His hair was messy from sleep and he wore plaid pajama bottoms and a very worn hoodie. 

“You heard all that, then?” 

“Yeah. Sorta hard not to, you were shouting in the hall right next to my room.” 

“Sorry, Haz,” Remus sighed and patted the empty spot next to him on the couch. 

Harry tentatively walked over, sitting with his legs curled underneath him. 

“You two aren’t breaking up, are you?” 

“No. Oh god, no.” Remus shook his head, giving Harry a small, reassuring smile. “No, we’re just stressed. Sirius is going to go get some air and when he comes back I’ll apologize for being an arse and then he’ll apologize and we’ll kiss and make up.” 

Harry scrunched his nose up at the last bit. “Gross, don’t need to know all the details.” 

“Oh, please. You’re an adult now, I’m sure you’re aware your parents have sex.” Remus teased, reaching over to ruffle Harry’s hair. 

“Yeah, yeah—” Harry shoved him off with a grin. “But I live in denial.” 

Harry and Remus ended up watching a movie, pausing halfway through when the door opened up. For a moment, Remus’ breath was caught in his throat and both Harry and him whipped around in anticipation. 

“Just me,” Sirius announced, walking into the room with a shopping bag, take out, and some flowers. “Hi.” Sirius leaned over the couch to kiss the top of Harry’s head, and then Remus’ cheek. 

“Hi.” Relief, though not the want he had hoped for, flooded Remus when he saw the flowers. Their fight was over. 

“Sorry I was the worst,” Sirius mumbled, handing over the bouquet to Remus. “I’m just high strung right now.” 

“I know, baby. I am too.” Remus reached over for the flowers. “I’m sorry for what I said, too. These look beautiful, I’ll go set them in a vase.” 

“No flowers for me?” Harry sighed dramatically, feigning hurt. 

“No, because you won’t appreciate my hand picked bouquet of flowers.” He held up a white, paper bag. “I got you some pasties though.”

“You’re forgiven.” Harry snatched the bag and immediately dug in. 

Remus set the flowers up on the kitchen tables, appreciating the flash of light in the room. Sirius had a knack for putting together gorgeous bouquets of flowers and Remus always felt horrible when they began to go bad and welt, their petals falling to the hardwood below. 

“Come upstairs with me?” Sirius startled Remus from his reverie. He hadn’t even heard him walk in, but he nodded all the same. 

“Mhm.” Remus followed Sirius up the steps. He froze halfway up, shouting back down to Harry. “Save me some, will you?” 

“Yes!” Harry shouted back, his words muffled by the food in the mouth. 

“Thank you for getting me flowers and breakfast, you didn’t have to do that.” Remus followed Sirius into the bathroom, sitting himself down on the edge of the tub. 

“I know.” Sirius opened up the bag and pulled out his new supplies, placing everything in order on the bathroom counter. “But I wanted to. I love you and I love our son, even if he’s putting us through the wringer right now.” 

Remus hummed in response, following Sirius’ careful movements as he grabbed everything else he needed for his shot. 

They were silent as Sirius washed his hands, pulled the side of his boxers down, and prepped the area. Remus grew queasy from needles, he wasn’t sure how Sirius had it in him to give himself a shot every single week. 

He looked away when Sirius jabbed himself, the whole process over in two seconds. Sirius tossed the used supplies into the needle bin they kept under the sink and chose a bandaid from his ever growing collection. He went for a silver, sparkly one today. 

“Done,” he announced to Remus, who looked up from his lap. 

“You’re amazing.” 

“It’s nothing. I do it every week.” Sirius tugged his pants back up, walking over to where Remus was sitting. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius, resting his head on his boyfriend’s middle. 

“Still amazing.” 

“I love you, you tosser.” 

“I love you, too.” Always. Forever. No matter what. 

*

Remus startled awake from the front door opening. He had been meaning to fix the loud squeak of the door for a while now, but time slipped away and now he was thankful for his laziness. 

“Sirius.” Remus shook Sirius’ shoulder but didn’t wait for him to properly wake up before he flung the covers back and hopped out of bed. His knees ached from the sudden pressure and his head was spinning from the change in position, but he didn’t let it slow him down. 

He practically ran down the stairs, freezing once he got to the bottom and came face to face with his purpled haired son. His eyes were red rimmed, his skin was pale, and his clothes looked slept in. There was an odor coming from him, signs of a teenage boy who hadn’t showered in a few days in the warm, end of summer. 

“Where the hell have you been?” Remus rushed forward to pull Teddy into a hug, but his son pushed him away, keeping his arms across his chest. 

“Out,” Teddy said casually, as if he hadn’t had his loved ones in a crazed panic the last three days. 

By now, Sirius had made his way downstairs and Harry, who fell asleep on the couch, was walking into the room, bleary eyed and confused. 

“Teddy!” Harry exclaimed and, like Remus, went to pull his brother into a hug, but he was shoved off too. 

“Get off of me,” Teddy grumbled. “You all are too clingy.” 

“Clingy?” Remus couldn’t help but let out a laugh at this. Maybe he was still dreaming. “Clingy? Teddy, you've been gone for days! We’ve all been worried sick. You left with no note, haven’t been answering any calls or texts, and no one has seen you.” 

“I’m an adult, I’m allowed to leave.” Teddy shrugged nonchalantly. Remus realised now that he was high. Teddy was mean when he was high. He was short tempered, bit people’s heads off, and was all around an asshole. 

“Of course you can leave, but you can’t go off and disappear like that. I had to ring the police, I had everyone searching for you. Do you understand how scared we all were?” Remus shook his head, scanning over his son’s body for any sign of injury. 

“Well, you didn’t need to do that. I didn’t ask you to worry about me.” Teddy walked past Remus, shoving his way past Sirius, too, who was waiting on the stairs. He wore the same shocked face as everyone else in the room. 

“Hey!” Remus spun around. “Come back, we aren’t done talking!” 

“Yes we are.” Teddy turned around on the top of the stairs. “M’tired.” 

“I don’t give a flying fuck if you’re tired. You need to tell me where you’ve been!” Remus exclaimed, hating that it had come to this. He didn't like to raise his voice, especially with his son. 

“I’ve been with a friend!” 

“A friend? No friend we know. We’ve called all your friends and they’ve been worried sick!”

“You don’t know every detail of my life! God, you’re so fucking overbearing!” 

“Overbearing?!” Remus was fully shouting now, both Sirius and Harry looking between the two as if it were a tennis match. “I’ve given you too much space, too much freedom!” 

“Oh, fuck you! Don’t twist this—” 

“Are you kidding me?” Remus made a move to step up the steps but Sirius jumped forward and placed a steadying hand on his arm. Harry climbed up the stairs to meet Teddy, matching Sirius’ motions on his brother. 

“Hey, mate.” Harry’s voice was soft, his features gentle. “Let’s go cool off, yeah? You can come sleep in my room tonight.” 

“I don’t want to fucking—” Teddy began but Harry cut him off. 

“I know, but you’re going to anyway. Come on, you’ll feel better in the morning.” 

With one final look at the pair at the bottom of the stairs, Teddy spun around on his heels and marched down the hall to Harry’s room. 

Harry was frozen for a minute, the tension in the room so thick it could be sliced with a knife. 

“We’re fine.” Sirius was first to break the silence. “Go be with him.” 

Harry nodded and followed Teddy down the hall. 

“C’mon.” Sirius tugged Remus away from the stairs and dragged him into the kitchen, practically throwing him in the chair. 

“I’ve been so fucking scared for days. I thought my son was lying dead somewhere in a ditch and this is how he returns. He comes back cursing me out and blaming me—” The tears began to drop down Remus’ cheeks, now that the adrenaline was clearing out of his system and reality was crashing down. 

“He’s not in his right mind, right now,” Sirius whispered, kneeling down in front of Remus, resting both his hands on either one of his knees. 

“He scared the fuck out me.” 

“He scared the fuck out of all of us.” Sirius agreed, squeezing Remus’ knees. “But he’s home now and Harry is with him.”

“How are you so calm? None of this is okay.” 

“I’m not calm.” Sirius let out a nervous chuckle. “I’m completely shitting it on the inside. I’ll break down later, promise.” Sirius teased but Remus didn’t have it in him to laugh back. 

Today had been so rough that he wanted to sleep till the next lifetime. Try better next time.

“Sirius.” Remus sat straight up, his eyes wide with panic when he remembered why today started so rough. “The needles, I forgot…I…” Remus moved to stand up but Sirius pushed him down, albeit the angle being awkward due to their positions. 

“There’s nothing we can do about it right now, okay? Let him cool off for the night and we’ll bring it up tomorrow. I can take lead on that one. They were my needles, after all.” 

“You don’t—” 

“He’s our son, Remus. I’m not letting you do this on your own.” 

Remus nodded and slowly exhaled, bringing up a shaking hand to wipe at his cheeks.

Tomorrow. He’d make the phone calls, have the tough conversations, and clean up this awful mess tomorrow.

*

Sirius, unlike Remus, couldn’t put work off for another day. He had to meet with some potential clients, an opportunity he couldn’t pass up, so Remus kept his shop closed an extra day instead so he could stay home with Teddy. Harry had classes, but he didn’t seem like he had any plans to leave soon. Remus didn’t mind, he was always welcome here, but he shouldn’t be jeopardizing his school career over this. This was Teddy’s mess. 

“Hey, kid.” Remus looked up when he heard footsteps come into the kitchen. It was just past eleven in the morning and Harry looked like he just rolled out of bed. Given how late they were all up last night, it was likely he did just roll out of bed. 

Teddy stayed with Harry the entire night, though the thought did not comfort Remus as much as it most likely should’ve. He was antsy and couldn’t sleep for more than twenty minutes at a time. At around six, he gave up and retreated to the kitchen so he’d stop bothering Sirius with all the stirring. 

“Hi.” Harry plopped down onto the kitchen chair, resting his chin on his hand. 

“Sleep okay?” 

“No.” 

Remus nodded, knowing it was a stupid question. No one in the house slept okay. No one has in days. 

“Is Teddy still asleep?” 

“Yeah. Passed out a while ago. We were up for a long time. We were just talking and then he got sick so we spent the rest of the night in the bathroom.” 

Remus kept his face neutral but his heart was pounding in his chest. Whatever Teddy had taken was out of his system now and his body craved more. Remus couldn’t lose him again though, not now, not ever. 

“I got him back to bed about two hours ago and he’s been asleep since.” 

“Did you manage any sleep?” 

“Here and there. It’s going to be a rough few days.”

 Remus wasn’t sure if he meant for himself or for Teddy, but he hummed sympathetically either way.

*

Harry had left an hour later to go back to his own apartment, but he said he’d be back for dinner. Remus wasn’t in any mood to host, so he assumed dinner would be cereal or whatever the boys could find in the cabinet that wasn’t expired. 

At two, when Teddy still hadn’t come down yet, Remus went up. Teddy’s door was open and his room was empty, so Remus went to Harry’s room. He knocked gently, got a soft “hm” in response, and opened up the door. 

Teddy was laying on top of the covers, his body pale, shaking, and covered in sweat. 

“Hey…” Remus entered the room and sat on the edge of the bed, keeping enough distance between him and his son, in case he decided to lash out again. Teddy didn’t look like he had a fight left in him. 

“M’sorry, Dad,” Teddy whispered.

“I know, kid.” Remus reached forward and stroked his fingers through Teddy’s damp curls. “You scared me.” 

“I know.” 

“Do you understand why we were all so upset?” 

“Yeah.” 

Remus was grateful Teddy’s eyes were shut. He’d lose it if he had to look at his little boy’s eyes right now. To see the light sucked out of them. 

“Where were you?”

“With a friend.” 

“Teddy, I—” 

“Dad, I fucked up, okay? I fucked up and I shouldn’t have stollen from you and I shouldn’t have left and…and I fucked up. I don’t want to talk about it.” Teddy rolled himself onto his back, wincing from the movement. “I feel so sick right now, I can’t think about anything else.” 

“Okay.” There was no use pushing. What’s done was done, and maybe Remus would sleep better without all the details. “Can I ask one question?” 

“Sure.” 

“Are you injecting drugs?” 

“What?” Teddy shot his eyes open, shaking his head. “Why would you ask that?” 

“Teds…” 

“‘Cus of the needles? I’m not using.” 

“You can’t blame me for being curious. You stole Sirius’ needles and syringes and disappeared for days. You come back mean and spiteful and now you’re withdrawing.” 

“They were for someone else.” 

Remus wished he could believe him. 

“Let me see your arms.” 

“What? Dad, you’re being—” 

“Crazy? Yeah, I feel crazy. Show me your arms.” 

Teddy scoffed and pushed up the thin sleeves of his sweat soaked shirt to reveal two pale, skinny arms. There were no bruises or marks, just a shitty stick and poke tattoo Harry gave him three years ago and some various scars from being an adventurous kid. 

“Happy?” Teddy pushed his sleeves down and rolled back onto his side, pulling his legs into his chest. 

“No, Teddy. I’m not happy. None of this makes me happy.” 

“Sorry I don’t make you happy.” 

“Teddy—” 

“Can you just leave?” 

“No. I—” 

“Leave, Dad. Just leave!” 

Remus flinched at his son’s raised voice, but nodded all the same. He pushed his body up from the bed and made his exit. He froze in the doorway, looking at his son one last time. 

“When you’re ready, I’m here to talk. You need help, Teddy.”

*

Three days later, Remus went back to work full time. He had been doing half days since Teddy’s return, but he couldn’t stand to be inside the house anymore. As much as he loved Teddy, he also didn’t trust a word out of his mouth, so he dragged his son to work with him. He figured if Teddy was busy stacking bookshelves and helping customers, then he wouldn’t have time to be doing drugs and selling clean needles to his friends in exchange for pills (which is what he had eventually confessed to using Sirius’ supplies for). 

Sirius and Remus moved all his supplies to a locked safe in the top of their closet, which felt extreme, but also like the safest option. Apparently something as harmless as taking weekly testosterone was putting his son in harm’s way. 

Remus was in the back room, ignoring the monthly inventory log on his desk and instead scrolling through countless pages about drug use. He had looked up small things at first, like time of withdrawals, long term effects, how it alters the brain. Then he looked up the benefits of meetings, therapies, rehab. Then he turned to people’s personal accounts of drugs in their lives. A lot of stories came from parents or family members of an addict, and Remus found those the hardest to read. Did he fall into this category? Was his son an addict? Or was he just making a few wrong moves? He was young, after all. Every young person made mistakes. 

Remus looked up when there was a knock on his closed door. He shut his laptop and sat up, expecting it to be Julia, one of his employees. 

“Come in,” Remus called.

“Hi.” Harry walked in and quietly shut the door behind him. 

“Hey, Haz. What’s up?” 

“Just finished classes for the day.” He tossed his school bag to the floor and took a seat on the couch. 

“How were they?” 

“They were okay. I’m just having a hard time focusing these days.” Harry picked at his nails, looking around the office as if he had never been in here before. “I saw Teddy up front, he looks better.” 

“Yeah, he’s doing okay. Back to his normal, happy self.” 

“Good.” 

They were silent for a minute, Remus watching Harry nervously and Harry staring at the framed picture on the wall of the four of them. It was when Sirius and Harry had just moved in. Mary had snapped a photo of them, Remus, and Teddy out in the back garden with big smiles on their faces. 

“Not that I don’t love seeing you, but I’m assuming there’s a reason you’re here?” 

Last time Harry had come to talk to him at work looking this nervous was when he told Remus about Teddy’s self harm. Remus wasn’t sure he could handle any more bad news about his son. 

“I just…” There was silence for a moment or two before Harry finally looked at Remus. “I just wanted to say sorry.” 

“What for?” 

“I knew Teddy had been on drugs during our trip. I thought it was just for fun, we all were doing it some nights. When we went to pubs, we’d sometimes take something, but Teddy was on something everyday. He always found an excuse to go out, always had a stash on him. I don’t even know where he got them half the time.” 

“Oh, Harry…” 

“I just feel awful. I should’ve told you and Sirius. I should’ve—” 

“It’s not your fault, love. You aren’t Teddy’s babysitter and you most definitely aren’t to blame for him using.” 

“I feel like I could’ve discouraged it more than I did. I thought he was just having fun, I didn’t…I didn’t realize it was that serious.” 

“No one did, Harry.” 

“Is he going to be okay?” 

Remus could laugh at the question. How was he supposed to know? He asked himself the same thing every day. But, right now, Harry was looking at him for guidance. Remus was Harry’s parent, he couldn’t project his anxiety on his kid. 

“I think so, yeah. He’s back home, right? That’s good. Teddy wouldn’t have come back home if he didn’t want to get better.” 

Remus assumed Harry could tell he didn’t know what he was talking about, but the boy nodded anyway. 

“Yeah, alright.” 

“It’s not on you, Haz.” 

“Okay.” The conversation ended there and Harry went back to looking at the photos on the wall.

What else could they say?

*

The next few days turned into a week and then two, and finally Remus felt he had some control over things again. Teddy, to his knowledge, was sober and staying out of trouble. He was quieter, not his complete normal self, but he wasn’t mean the way he was when he was high. He had color in his cheeks and light in his eyes, something he wasn’t when he was withdrawing. 

“Could I borrow the car?” Teddy asked one evening while the three of them ate leftovers at the dining table. 

“What for?” 

“I want to go visit a friend.” 

“What friend?” Remus wasn’t looking up from his plate, focusing heavily on the chicken and rice. 

“What is this? Twenty questions?” Teddy laughed but there was a slight bite behind his words. 

“Teds, c’mon,” Sirius sighed, looking exhausted. “We just want to make sure you’re staying out of trouble.” 

“I am.” Teddy set his fork down. “His name is Leo, I met him last week while I was out getting coffee. Him and his girlfriend are in a band and they invited me to watch them practice tonight.” 

Remus finally looked up at his son, studying him for a moment. He quickly glanced over to Sirius, who gave him a minute shrug. Teddy had been good the last few weeks, Remus shouldn’t have a reason to worry. They couldn’t keep him on lockdown forever. 

“Yeah, alright. Just be home by midnight, okay?” 

“Thanks dad!” Teddy jumped up from the table, a smile on his lips. He grabbed his plate and dropped it in the sink before rushing up to his room to get ready. 

“You believe him?” Sirius asked, his voice lower. He set his fork down, leaning back in his chair. 

“I have no choice but to. We can’t be skeptical of him his whole life, we’ll drive ourselves mad.” Remus set his fork down, too, looking over at Sirius. 

“He seems happy these days.” 

“He does, doesn’t he?” 

“Maybe it was just a phase…” 

Remus knew that neither of them truly believed the words coming out of his mouth, but Remus didn’t have it in him to crush their hope. 

“Maybe.” Remus forced a small smile and pushed himself out of the kitchen chair, gathering his and Sirius’ dishes to bring to the sink.

*

Remus had meant to stay up until midnight, to make sure Teddy arrived home one, on time, and two, sober. At around eleven thirty though, Sirius was passed out and snoring and Remus couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer. He flipped his ringer on, in hopes Teddy would call if there was an emergency, and promptly passed out in bed next to his partner. 

At two, the sound of his phone blaring startled the both of them awake. Remus rolled over and reached around blindly for his phone while Sirius let out a groan and buried his face deeper into the pillow. 

Without looking who it was, he answered the call, pressing his phone to his ear. 

“Hello?” Remus’ voice was scratchy, his words mumbled. He wasn’t even sure if he was awake or if this was all some sort of vivid dream. 

“Is this Remus Lupin?” 

“Yes?” It came out as a question more so an answer. 

“This is officer Turner with the Avon and Somerset Police. We have your son, Edward Lupin, in custody for a DUI.” 

Alright, not a dream then. A fucking nightmare.

“What?!” Remus sat up straight and reached over to turn the lamp on. 

“We got a call around one in the morning from a witness reporting an accident. Edward was driving with friends and he crashed into a tree. No one sustained any injuries, but Edward was suspected to be driving high. He denied the accusation so we had to bring him in to do a urine test. It came back positive with benzodiazepines and marijuana. We have him in a cell for the night. If he isn’t picked up within twenty four hours he will be moved to HMP Bristol.” 

Remus was silent for so long the officer had to confirm he was still there. 

“Yes. Yeah. I’m here, just processing.” Remus looked over at Sirius, who was now propped up on his elbow. “Keep him there overnight, I’ll pick him up in the morning on my way to work.” 

Maybe a good father would’ve jumped in the car that instant to bail his son out, but Remus wasn’t feeling like being a very good father right now. 

“Would you like to speak with him?” 

“No, Sir.” 

“Very well. We will see you tomorrow morning.” The officer hung up the call and Remus slowly lowered his phone to his lap. 

“What? Who was it?” 

“The police.” 

“Oh god.” Sirius sat up properly now. “What happened? Who’s hurt?” 

“Teddy crashed the car while driving under the influence.” 

“Is he okay?” 

“Yes.” 

“Are you okay?” 

“No.” 

“Okay.” Sirius nodded and dragged his hands down his face. “Right, okay. What do we do?” 

“For tonight, I am going to turn the light off, lay back down, and try to get a few more hours of sleep. Tomorrow, we will take your car down to the police station to pick up our delinquent son, because my car is most likely totaled.” 

“Remus…” 

“I can’t—” Remus twirled his body around until he was off the bed, his feet hitting the cool wooden floor below him. “I’m going to get some air.” 

“Do you want me to come with you?” 

“No, I’m sorry.” Remus paused, unable to look at Sirius. “I need to be alone right now.” 

*

In the end, he barely got an hour more of sleep, much less a few. After his breath of fresh air, he climbed back into bed and sat next to a very awake Sirius. They talked most of the night about everything and nothing, distracting themselves until Remus’ work alarm went off. He had texted Julia he’d be in a little later this morning, but for her to go ahead and open the shop like normal. She didn’t need to know Remus was taking a trip to the police station. 

They were silent on the ride there and only spoke when checking in and stating their purpose. The lady at the front desk informed them Teddy would be out soon and they could take a seat to wait. 

Neither Sirius nor Remus sat down, Remus too busy pacing and Sirius choosing to lean against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. 

The back door opened and Teddy came out with a bag of his belongings, looking absolutely exhausted. Remus assumed he hadn’t slept a wink, not that he could blame Teddy. Remus wouldn’t be able to sleep either. 

“Dad, I’m so—” 

“Save it. Let’s go.” Remus turned on his heel and stormed out of station, Sirius and Teddy close behind. 

In the car, Teddy tried to apologize again. 

“Listen, I’m really sorry. I didn’t—” 

“Didn’t mean to lie to us, get high, and drive a car into a tree?!” Remus’ voice was raised, his knuckles gripping the steering wheel. 

“I didn’t—” 

“Teddy, this will never happen again. Do you understand me?” He turned around when they were at a red light, meeting his son’s eyes briefly before flipping back around. “I will not bail you out ever again.” 

Remus hoped there wouldn't be an ‘again’, but at the rate things were progressing, his hope for a brighter future was down the drain. 

*

The house was eerily silent the next few days. Sirius was busy at work, finishing up two huge commissions, and Remus spent all his free time at home in his office. He couldn’t stand to be around his son right now. 

Teddy stayed at home most days, or went to Harry’s, though Harry was busy with his own life. 

Six nights after the arrest, Remus decided enough was enough. Teddy couldn’t just get away with sleeping around and living under their roof with no other obligations. Remus figured if he was busy, then Teddy would have less time to get into trouble. 

Which is how he found himself in Teddy’s room, the boy laying in bed with his earphones in. He sent a small glare Remus’ way and made no move to take his music out. 

“Teddy.” Remus tried for a second time and, when he got no response, he walked over and ripped Teddy’s earphones out. 

“Hey! What was that for?” 

“I’m trying to talk to you and you’re acting like you’re fifteen again.” 

“I don’t want to talk, I’m busy.” 

“Your music can wait. We’ve spent the last week not talking, enough is enough.” 

“I know, you’re disappointed in me and you think I’m throwing my life away.” Teddy pushed himself up to a seated position, wrapping his wired earphones around his fingers. “Yes, Dad, I promise I won’t do it again. Yes, I realize what I did was wrong. Yes—” 

Remus cut him off before he could continue. “You’re going to start working with me in the bookshop everyday.” 

“What? No. I don’t want to.” 

“Well, I don’t care what you want. We’ve been doing things by your rules your entire life and enough is enough. You need a job, you need something to do, and quite frankly I do not trust you staying home by yourself every single day.” 

“Why do I have to work with you? Can’t I find a different job.” 

“Teddy, you have a DUI on your permanent record, no long term previous job experience, and I’m certain you won’t pass a drug test. Trust me, the bookshop is your best bet right now. I’m doing you a favor.” 

“You’re not doing me a favor, you’re doing yourself one. You’re just transforming me into the perfect son.” 

“You know I’m not doing that.” Remus crossed his arms across his chest, feeling anger bubble up inside. He couldn’t fight anymore. Not again. “I just don’t want—” 

“Me wasting my life, I get it.” 

“Do you? It doesn’t seem like the message is sticking.” 

“I’m only eighteen, I’m young. I’m fine!” 

“I bailed you out of jail less than a week ago, Teds. You are not fine. Harry graduated top of his class, is at a great university, has a steady job. That is fine, and that is not where you are.” Remus never liked to compare his two kids, but Teddy needed a reality check.

“Oh so I should be more like perfect Harry Potter then? Go to a fancy school? Have a nice girlfriend? Work in a stupid fucking office my entire life?” 

“You know what? Yes, yes you should! It wouldn’t hurt you to try a little at life.” 

“I am trying! You don’t get how hard it is for people my age to get into school and get a job that isn’t just fast food!” 

“Teddy, I do get it. I really fucking do. I was your age once and I struggled in school and had to work a shitty minimum wage job, and yet I still did it. I did it even though it sucked. You do it because you have to. That’s just how the world works.” 

“Well fuck the world.” 

Remus let out a sigh and turned to leave his son’s room. 

“Be ready to go by 8:45 tomorrow. Sirius will take us both into the shop.” Remus left the room after that, immaturely slamming the door on his way out. If Teddy wanted to whine and throw a tantrum, Remus would too. 

*

Teddy, much to his dismay, did go to work the next day with Remus. He followed through with Remus’ demand and showed up on time and ready to go every morning after that, too. He didn’t do it with a smile on his face and he made sure everyone around him knew he was miserable, but at least he was there. 

Remus’ car was still in the shop so he relied on public transportation, walking, and Sirius to get him everywhere. He didn’t like relying solely on others, nor did he like Sirius having to change his entire schedule to get Remus to and from the places he needed to go. Sirius, the angel he was, said it was no bother and he liked it, but Remus knew it was still causing stress on the other man. They had a perfect schedule, a perfect routine, and now it was all fucked up. 

Five days after Teddy’s first day at work, Remus found himself kneeling in front of the toilet, willing himself to throw up and get it over with. His head was pounding and he couldn’t stand to have the bathroom light on. It felt like his eyes would melt out of his head if he did. 

“Sweetheart.” Sirius walked into the dark room, setting a glass of water down on the edge of the sink and kneeling next to Remus. “You have to stay home today.” 

“I can’t,” Remus whispered, his eyes shut. Even the dark felt too bright. He had taken his migraine medication about twenty minutes ago, but they hadn’t kicked in yet. 

“How are you supposed to work like this? Your body needs to rest.” Sirius was used to his migraines, so he knew all the rules he was supposed to follow. Quiet voice, no lights, gentle touches if he was going to touch Remus. 

“I can’t give it rest.” Remus felt bile rise in his throat and he leaned forward, finally vomiting. 

Sirius reached forward and rubbed between Remus’ shoulders. 

“Shh…” Sirius cooed, reaching over to grab a strip of toilet roll for Remus to wipe his mouth with. “Love, please.” 

“Who’s going to watch Teddy?” It was as if his son was five years old again and needed a babysitter. Watching Teddy was the whole reason he had a migraine. The biggest trigger was stress and Remus was experiencing nothing but stress these days. Teddy’s body wasn’t the only one suffering from his behaviors. 

“He’ll come with me. I have some errands to run today and then I’m working on a new commission.” 

“I’m not going to ask you to do that. It’s my idea to keep him on a watch.” 

“And I think it’s smart.” Sirius reached forward to brush Remus’ sweaty curls from his forward. “If he’s going to act out and behave like a toddler, then he’ll be treated like one.” 

Teddy’s bad attitude towards Remus forcing him to work had spread to others too. Teddy was a brat to everyone around him, acting as if this whole thing wasn’t his fault. 

Remus nodded and didn’t say anything for a long time. Once he was certain he wouldn’t vomit again, he leaned back on his heels, finding Sirius’ face in the dark room. 

“Sirius, what are we doing?” 

“We’re doing the best we can.” 

“I don’t feel like we’re doing enough.” 

“My love, we’re doing everything.” 

Chapter 7: london

Summary:

:-) <-- me thinking of how to end this chapter

Three months later…

Remus walked up the stairs, untucking his shirt and rolling out his shoulders. Christmas was just around the corner and everyone was getting their last minute shopping in, leaving Remus beyond exhausted after each day. They closed at five but it was nearing six thirty now and he was only just now getting home due to all the extra work he had to do to clean up from the day and get ready for another busy one tomorrow. 

Teddy was out at therapy, something he did every week. Remus had forced him to see a therapist not long after the DUI, and Teddy reluctantly agreed after a while. From what he heard from his son, it was going great now and Teddy really loved his therapist. She was a kind, older lady who had three sons of her own. Remus had only met her once, but she seemed nice, kind, and patient. Teddy needed someone like that. 

Remus pushed open the bedroom door and groaned, flopping facing down onto the bed. Sirius, who was already showered and dressed in pajamas, grinned and tossed his phone to the side. 

“I thought you died.” 

“I think I did.” Remus pushed himself up on his elbows, reaching forward to grab onto Sirius’ foot to drag him closer to him. “I think I need a life saving kiss to revive me.” 

“A life saving kiss, hm?” Sirius rotated so he was sitting on his knees, properly facing Remus. 

“Yes.” Remus sat himself up fully and crawled towards his partner, gently cupping his cheeks and connecting their lips. Sirius snaked his arms around Remus’ neck and Remus melted under his touch, letting out a small groan. It wasn’t often they had the house to themselves, Teddy still living with them and Harry making frequent drop in visits. They were good at being sneaky, and had to be raising two kids, but it was nice when they didn’t have to worry about someone else. Remus could let out a moan and Sirius didn’t have to shush him. 

Sirius moved to Remus’ lap, straddling him and gently grinding down on Remus’ hardening cock. Both men let out soft gasps and whimpers at the friction. 

“I could do a little better than a kiss,” Sirius whispered, his hands reaching down between their bodies for Remus’ belt. 

Remus opened his mouth to respond but was cut off by the sound of the front door opening and closing. He let out a different type of groan, letting his forehead fall forward onto Sirius’ shoulder. 

“Horrible timing.” 

“Absolutely horrible.” Sirius nodded, his hands dropping from Remus’ belt. “Should we kick him out of the house?” 

“Yeah, probably. Only reasonable solution.” Remus smiled into Sirius’ shirt, tilting his head so he could place a gentle kiss to his neck. 

On any other day, they could get away with continuing, but Teddy loved to talk about his sessions with the both of them after they happened. It would only be a matter of seconds before Teddy would run up the stairs and knock on the bedroom door. 

Sure enough, Teddy ran up the steps and pounded his fist against the closed bedroom door. 

“Dad? Sirius? I’m home.” 

Remus let out one more small groan before lifting his head up, and helping Sirius off his lap. He quickly did up his belt and adjusted his clothes while Sirius sat back against the headboard, resuming the position he was in when Remus first came in. 

“Come in.”

Teddy opened up the door, a huge grin on his face. He looked between them briefly but didn’t seem to catch on to their previous activities. 

“How was therapy?” 

“It was great!” Teddy moved to the bed and sat on the edge of the mattress. In the chaos of him running up the steps, both dogs followed along happily. They made themselves comfy in the bedroom, only Pepper the cat missing from this apparent family gathering. 

“Oh yeah?” 

“Yeah!” Teddy ran a hand through rain soaked curls. “I have something I want to talk to you both about.” 

“What’s that?” Remus moved himself so he could sit against the headboard next to Sirius, giving Teddy more room to sit on the foot of the bed. 

“Well I was talking to Fay, and she thinks I’ve made great progress the last few months.” Teddy paused, as if waiting for confirmation. 

“You have, I agree.” Remus smiled softly, nodding his head encouragingly. 

“Well she thinks that I may feel more content in life if I was working towards a goal.” That’s something Remus thought from the start, it was the whole reason they fought all those months ago. Teddy needed to be doing something with his life, he needed a reason to stay busy and, in turn, stay sober. 

“We were talking and I think I should go to university. She thinks it’s a great idea, too. I’d be able to meet new people, be in a new place, stay engaged in classes—” 

Remus cut Teddy off, his eyes widening. “She wants you to go to school?” 

University? University? Remus thought Teddy should join some sort of club or pick up a new hobby, not go to university. He wasn’t ready for that. He hadn’t even been clean for six months. Remus loved Teddy, he wanted the best for him, but unfortunately he still didn’t trust him. 

“Yeah!” Teddy smiled at them and Remus glanced over to Sirius, who had the same apprehensive look on his face. “Applications usually close in January, so I’d have to apply soon. I have a great topic for my university applications. Kid struggles with drugs, comes out the other end and wants a fresh start. Schools will eat that up.” 

“Teds, there’s a lot to consider before—” 

“Like what?” 

“Well, what you want to study, to start.” Start of easy. Calm before the storm. 

“Literature.” 

“Literature?” 

“Yeah, you studied that, right? English and literature?” Teddy waited for Remus to nod before continuing. “Well I like books and I work in a book shop, figured it would be fun.” Teddy only worked in the bookshop because Remus forced him to and Remus hadn’t seen him pick up a proper book in the last year. 

“Working in a bookstore and studying literature are two very different things, Teds. I didn’t think you were that into it. I studied that because I wanted to become a teacher. Do you have any interest in that?” 

“No. I don’t want to teach. I think it’ll be good, though. It’ll challenge me and keep me busy! Fay says it’s good to stay busy.” 

Remus wanted very much to have a few strong, choice words with Fay. He liked her, really, she was a great fit for Teddy but where did she get off telling him that this was the right decision? 

“Do you even know what schools you’d like to go to? Which schools are still accepting applications?” 

“Yes! I want to go to King’s College in London.” 

“London?!” Sirius shot up at this. “Kid, that’s almost three hours away.” He looked over at Remus for back up. 

“Two hours and twenty three minutes, actually.” 

Remus let out a small groan and rubbed at both of his eyes. “That’s a really long way to go for college, Teds. Especially after the last few years you’ve had. Don’t you think it would be better to go to a college here in Bristol?” 

“I don’t want to go to the college you and everyone else in your life went to.” Teddy rolled his eyes and Remus almost laughed. Didn’t want to go to the same college but was fine copying his degree that he had no interest in? It was comical. 

“You don’t have to go to the same one, there are plenty of options in the area.” 

“No. I want to go to King’s college.” 

“Teddy, let’s just sit on this for a while, okay? Give me and Sirius time to think about all of this.” 

“I have to apply soon, though. Applications close January 26^th.” 

“How do you know all of this? You just talked to Fay about it and your appointment was less than an hour ago.” 

“I researched on the bus.” 

“The fifteen minute bus ride?” Remus did laugh at this. “Teddy, you have to spend more than fifteen minutes researching these things. There’s so much to consider.” 

“I’ve already made up my mind!” Teddy pushed himself up from the bed, crossing his arms across his chest. “Why are you being a pain about all of this now? Three months ago you were shouting at me to be more like Harry, to get a job, to go to school!” 

“Sure, eventually, but not on a whim. Teddy-” 

“No! No, I’m going. I’m going to apply and I’m going.” 

“With what money, Teddy? You work part time at a bookstore run by your dad. You’ve been there for hardly three months. That’s not even going to cover your first semester at school.” Sirius raised a challenging brow at Teddy. 

“You have plenty of money. You’re a fucking trust fund baby.” Teddy spat back and Remus stood up, too. 

“No. We’re not doing this. You’re not going to start harassing us because you’re pissed off. If Sirius wants to help pay, he will, but we are not obligated to pay your way through school. You have to give us time to talk and think about all of this.” 

“Whatever.” Teddy turned and stormed out of the bedroom, slamming the door loudly behind him. 

Remus groaned for what felt like the hundredth time that evening and flopped onto the bed, his face pressed into the mattress. “That kid is going to kill me.” 

Sirius reached out a hand and rubbed between his shoulder blades. “You and me both.” 

*

“We’re not letting him go, right?” Sirius asked later, both of them pressed together in the bath. 

“I mean, other than money, what’s really stopping him? He’s an adult, technically he can go without our consent.” 

Sirius sighed and lent his head back, looking up at Remus. “This is ridiculous. Three months ago we had a search party out for him and now he wants to go to college three hours away in a city he’s never been in?” 

“I know.” 

“He thinks he knows what’s best for him, like he’s figured it all out, but he doesn’t. He’s going to get there and have this massive reality check and either tumble into old habits or call us to help pack him back up and move home.” 

“I know.” 

“And where does he get off telling me how much money I have?” 

“I don’t know.” Remus leaned his head down to kiss the top of Sirius’ head. “Right when I think I understand him and think things are settling down, he throws us a curveball.” 

“Well, I stand by what you said. We can’t just give in, he needs to be patient and sit with this for a while.” 

Remus hums in agreement. 

“And besides, maybe this is wrong for me to say, but he’s hardly struggled in his life. Everything was handed to him, he didn’t need to work until after school and even now, he only does it because you told him to. He got good grades in school, is white, upper-class, possibly straight.” Teddy hadn’t really dated, so that last comment was just an assumption. “He’s going to talk about how hard his life as an addict was when he won’t even admit half the time he has an addiction at all? What is he going to possibly write his paper on that will make him stand out?” 

“I’m sort of banking on the fact that he doesn’t have anything and colleges won’t accept him. He didn’t participate in extracurricular activities and he got good grades, but his test scores were hardly above average.” Remus kissed Sirius’ head again. “I think college could be good for him eventually, but not now. He needs to be sober a little longer before making this huge life change. Plus, he doesn’t know what he wants to study. I mean, come on, English and Lit? He’ll hate that and he doesn’t even want to use it in the future.” 

“I know. I figured going to an art school would be the obvious choice.” 

“It is, and it proves he hasn’t thought this through. He got excited by the idea and now he wants to do it.” 

“What are we supposed to do?” 

“I don’t know…hope he gets bored by the idea and moves on to another obsession?” 

Sirius chuckled and fluttered his eyes shut. “Yeah, alright.” 

*

Five days later finds Remus coming home late from another holiday shift. He had been yelled at today by a middle aged woman who was mad he didn’t carry a specific book. She had started with Julia, making her cry, and then Remus stepped in and promptly told the women to fuck off and leave his store. It was satisfying in the moment, but the ordeal led to another twenty minutes of yelling from her.

Then he dealt with a little kid spilling his hot chocolate on the new release book stand. He had to mark all the stained books off 50% and reassure his panicked mother that, no he wasn’t mad and no, it wasn’t a big deal. 

On top of it all, Teddy had been texting him and Sirius different facts and information about King’s college through each day, followed by some inspirational message about how college would change his life. Remus did nothing but thumbs up the messages, not having the energy to actually respond. 

He stayed an extra hour after closing, again, to clean up the mess of the day and by the time he had his key in the front door of the house, he felt close to tears. 

He used to enjoy working at the shop, finding nothing but joy and comfort, but these days it was more stress than good. He found himself hiding in his office as much as he could to do admin work, letting Julia and Teddy handle all the customer interactions. 

He kicked his shoes off and was greeted by two very happy dogs and a lovely smell coming from the kitchen. 

He pet each dog and shuffled his way into the kitchen, collapsing into one of the chairs with a groan. Sirius flipped around from where he was standing over the stove, setting the ladle down and walking over to Remus. 

“Long day?” 

“Long fucking day.” Week. Month. Year. 

Sirius leant down and kissed Remus softly, his hands coming up to cup both of his cheeks. 

“Well I’m glad you’re home. I’m making dinner and we can watch it in front of the TV.” 

“I want nothing more than to do that.” Remus leaned over to kiss Sirius again for a brief moment before pulling apart. “The holidays are arse. People are so mean and since Teddy doesn’t work on Thursdays, it was just Julia and I dealing with everyone today.” 

“You would think shopping in a small cozy bookshop during the holidays would be a peaceful experience.” 

“Yeah, well, people are just pissy and take all their anger out on me. Like, fuck, I am sorry we don’t have a copy of this random book you wanted! Try Amazon.” 

Sirius smirked and kissed the top of Remus’ head before abandoning him to go back to stirring the soup on the stove. 

“Dad? Are you back?” Teddy called from the top of the stairs.

“Yes,” Remus replied. 

Teddy came hurling down the stairs, a huge grin on his face. He was holding his laptop, flipping it around to show a presentation titled, “Why I think college is the best option”. 

“Teds, can we do this another time? Work was horrible and I need—” 

“This will make you feel better, then!” Teddy set the laptop down and cleared his throat. 

“Teddy, please. Can we do this tomorrow?” 

“No, c’mon. I’ve been waiting all day for you to get back! It’ll be quick. Promise.” 

Sirius turned around and observed the scene in front of him. “I’m pretty tired, too. I think it would be best if we do it tomorrow so Remus and I both can give you our full attention.” 

“Yeah, but it’ll be quick! Let me—” 

“Teddy, no!” Remus finally raised his voice, hating the way he made Teddy and Sirius flinch. “I am tired. I’ve already read all your texts the last few days, I’ve been listening to everything you tell me, I’ve been thinking about it. I can’t watch a bloody presentation on this right now.” He stood up and pushed the chair back with a deafening scratch against the hardwood floor.  Before either Teddy or Sirius could stop him, he stormed up to the bedroom and shut the door harshly behind him. He fell onto the bed and buried his face into the pillow, finally allowing the tears to flow. 

*

Remus didn’t make an appearance for the rest of the night. He stayed in bed, only getting up once to pee, brush his teeth, and change into pajamas. He didn’t have it in him to even take a shower. 

He checked his phone quickly when he crawled back under the covers, but didn’t respond to a single message. 

 

Tonks [7:15pm]: We need to talk about Teddy. He won’t shut up about college and I don’t think it’s a great idea for him to go. Call me when you can. 

Sirius [7:04]: He’s just in a mood, love. Nothing he says is personal and all he’s thinking about is himself right now. He’ll get over himself and apologize by the end of the night, I guarantee it. 

Sirius [7:42pm]: Dinner is ready if you want x I’ll leave leftovers in the fridge if not

Teddy [9:16pm]: dad, im sorry. 

Sirius came up to bed sometime later, not saying a word as he got ready for bed and crawled in next to Remus. 

“Roll over,” he whispered. Remus obliged and rolled so his back was facing Sirius, their normal positions swapped. He was usually the big spoon, but he wasn’t against being held tonight. 

Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus, snaking his hands under his t-shirt and burying his face into the back of his neck. 

“Teddy should’ve respected your space. He’s in his own world these days.” 

Remus hummed in response, not having the energy to open this can of worms again. 

“Tomorrow will be better,” Sirius mumbled, falling quiet after that. 

Remus felt like an asshole not responding, instead pushing his body gently back to be as close to Sirius as possible. Sirius responded by tightening his grip and placing a soft kiss behind his ear. 

*

Remus attempted to sleep, but he kept waking up every twenty minutes. He closed his eyes and all he could see was Teddy laying dead on the floor, overdosed in some random college dorm room hours away. He could picture his lifeless body, the discarded needles around him. 

He tried to recount happy memories, of Teddy as a small boy at the zoo, excited to see all the animals. Of him and Harry running around the backyard. Of Teddy coming home the first day of secondary school talking about all his new teachers and how awesome they all were. None of them were strong enough to block out the lifeless body on the floor, though. 

Once he decided he wasn’t going to sleep, he let his thoughts drift to his own life. He thought about the miserable work week, drowning in admin work and being yelled at by strangers. He pictured Julia’s teary eyes and the way she looked up to him, begging him to absolve the situation.

Sometimes he thinks he should’ve just stayed a teacher. He was good at being a teacher. He was good with the kids. He loved what he did. He loved the bookstore, really he did, but it wasn’t fulfilling anymore. He felt something was missing, like he was wasting his time as he grew older. 

“I don’t think I’m happy,” Remus whispered into the cold night. 

Behind him, Sirius stirred, a sign he most likely wasn’t sleeping either. Sirius slept like the dead, a whisper wouldn’t normally wake him up. 

“Hm?” He mumbled, his grip tightening around Remus’ middle. His hands were still under his shirt, but his grip had loosened throughout the night. 

“I’m not happy,” Remus whispered again, tears slowly dripping down his cheeks and soaking into the pillow. 

“What?” Sirius let go and propped himself up on one elbow. “Hey, look at me.” 

Remus shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. 

“Remus, look at me.” 

After a moment, Remus rolled over and slowly opened his eyes. He gazed up at Sirius, who looked panicked in return. 

“Not happy with what?” Though he didn’t ask, Remus could nearly hear “with us?” wanting to be added to the question. Even after all these years together, there were moments where Sirius still expressed his fear of abandonment. It wasn’t ever logical, but Remus comforted him each time anyway. 

“Life.” Remus sighed and pushed himself up so he was face to face with Sirius. “Nothing to do with you. I love you, you’re maybe the only thing going right in my life.” 

“What parts of your life?” 

“I…I don’t know. I just feel like I’m failing as a dad and as a friend and as a manager. I hardly see our friends anymore, I haven’t texted any of them in days.” It wasn’t the real reason for his little breakdown, but he wasn’t ready to speak the truth into existence yet.

“Oh sweetheart, you aren’t failing and our friends are all busy anyway. When’s the last time they reached out to us either, hm?” 

“I know but…but I could, should, put more effort in.” 

Sirius nodded and gave Remus a few moments to take a deep breath in. 

“What’s this really about? I doubt not seeing Marlene for a few weeks is causing you to cry,” Sirius teased, reaching over  to take Remus’ hand. 

“I think I should quit my job,” Remus eventually managed to say, squeezing his eyes shut again. “Feel horrid even saying it. Poppy trusted me with it and…and I want to give it all up. She’ll hate me.” 

“She won’t hate you, Rem. No one could hate you.” 

Teddy hates me. 

“She’ll be disappointed, then.” 

“She’ll want you to be happy, that’s all. That’s why she gave you the store in the first place. You needed a job and she knew how happy you were when you were there with her. It’s okay that you grew out of it.” Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand. “What would you want to do instead?” 

“I think I want to be a teacher again.” 

“Yeah?” Sirius smiled, nodding his head encouragingly. Although they met after Remus’ teacher career ended, Remus frequently recounted his favorite memories of his time there. There were shitty bits, and in the end the shitty bits outshone the good bits, but the good bits were still there. 

“Yeah. I…I don’t think I’d go back to that age, though. I think the same issues would arise, but I was thinking of teaching younger primary school students. I love kids, I’m great with them, and I really do miss teaching. I don’t miss the late night exam grading and intense lesson planning and the bratty teenagers though.” 

“No. I wouldn’t miss those things either. I think primary school would be perfect for you. Any school would be lucky to have you. You’re a brilliant teacher, Remus.” 

“You have to say that, you’re my partner.” 

“No, no. I mean it.” Sirius smiled and leaned forward to place a kiss on Remus’ forehead. “I reckon if you were my sixth form teacher I’d have a crush on you.” 

“Sirius.” Remus groaned, not able to help the smile tugging on his lips. “You’re ridiculous.” 

“No, I’m Sirius. I’d show up early each day, turn in all my assignments, and stay late for extra credit. You’d be my favorite.” 

“Okay, stop. We’re approaching some kinky roleplay territory and I’m far too tired to engage in it right now.” 

Sirius sniggered and kissed Remus’ forehead again. “You’re going to be brilliant, Remus. I promise you.” 

“I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” 

*

Remus had been fearing August since the moment Teddy got his acceptance letter. Was he proud his son got accepted into college? Of course. Was he scared shitless and stayed firm in his belief this was a stupid idea? Also yes. 

After talking with Tonks, Sirius, and then both of them together, they agreed that sending Teddy to school wouldn’t be the end of the world. He was on strict rules and one sign of him getting into trouble, they’d pull out funding and Teddy wouldn’t be allowed to go. Teddy, to Remus’ knowledge, remained sober throughout the passing months and now it was August and move in was in two weeks. 

However, Remus moved into his new classroom today, so he didn’t let himself dwell on Teddy’s big day. He only had a few hours to get his classroom decorated and ready for a group of excited six year olds come Monday. 

Finding a teaching job was surprisingly easy, given the shortage of teachers, but finding his work replacement was harder. He had offered the management position to Julia, but she felt ill-equipped to do the job alone. So, for the last few months she has been co-managing with Remus while Remus hired someone, Benjy, to take over the store to do all the boring, admin things. Together, they would run the store when Remus was gone. He made sure Benjy met with Poppy and Minnie and, once getting their approval, Remus began to train him. He officially handed over ownership last week and now his store was in the hands of someone else. Julia gave him a bouquet of flowers, nice chocolates, and a box of his favorite tea on his last day. She shed tears as she hugged him goodbye, but Remus promised he’d still stop in. 

Now, he had to shift his brain to teacher mode. He hadn’t ever taught this young an age before, but he wasn’t worried. He already was formulating the first month’s lesson plans and had sent out an email to all the parent’s expressing his excitement for the upcoming year. 

“Dad, does this look straight?” Teddy was standing on one of the classroom chairs, hanging up a framed painting that Sirius had done for his classroom. 

Remus glanced over and nodded his head. “Yes, it’s great.” 

Teddy hopped down from the chair and walked over to Remus’ desk, throwing himself dramatically into the swivel chair. 

“Are we almost done?” 

“Sirius is bringing in the last box of things and then I need to put everything away and finish decorating.” 

Teddy groaned and spun around in the chair. 

“I’m hungry.” 

“I told you to eat before we left.” 

“Yeah, but I didn’t think it’d take this long.” 

“You offered to help.” Remus laughed and walked over to Teddy, ruffling his hair until Teddy batted his hands away. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m son of the year. I’m also hungry.” 

“You can eat the crushed granola bar that’s in the bottom of my bag,” Sirius supplied unhelpfully as he came in with the last box, setting it on Remus’ desk. “Though, I must warn you, it could’ve been there since 2012 for all I know.” 

“Gross.” Teddy chuckled and began to fiddle with the pens Remus had just neatly lined up on his desk. 

Two more weeks and his boy would be gone. Hours away, setting up his own dorm room, hanging up his own paintings, most likely complaining again about being bored or hungry. 

Would Teddy miss him the way Remus would? Would Teddy call, like he promised he would? Would he be comfortable in his new space? Would he make friends? Would he want to go home? Would he make a new home? The questions made Remus dizzy and his eyes grew watery. He forced himself to look across the room at the newly decorated walls and blink away the unfallen tears. 

*

Two nights before Teddy was set to leave, they threw a going away party in Molly’s backyard. Most of the Weasley’s, Harry, Sirius, Minnie, Poppy, Marlene, Dorcas, and Mary were there. They all carved times out of their busy lives to say goodbye to his son and Remus was filled to the brim with joy and appreciation. 

“How are you feeling?” Mary came to join Remus on the porch swing, rocking them back and forth. 

“Old.” 

“You say that every time Teddy has a birthday or life changing event.” 

“Well, it’s true. I always feel old. Now I just feel extra old.” Remus chuckled and brought his wine glass to his lips. 

“Are you and Sirius excited to have the house to yourselves?” 

At the mention of Sirius, Remus looked across the lawn at his partner, who was laughing at something Dorcas had just said. He smiled softly at the scene and nodded his head. 

“I think we are. We haven’t had an empty house since knowing each other. I don’t know if we’ll know what to do with ourselves.” Remus chuckled again, setting his glass of wine down on the side table. 

“Have loads of crazy, loud sex?” Mary offered. 

Remus didn’t blush anymore at the off handed, sex related comments. The older he got the more he realised sex shouldn’t be a shameful or embarrassing topic of discussion. And, if he was honest, it would be nice to not feel they have to sneak around in their own house. Remus’ sex drive was nowhere near where it was when he had first met Sirius, but the desire was still very much there. 

“Yes, yes we could do that. Not so sure about the crazy part, but it will be nice to not have to worry if our son can hear us and if we’re giving him permanent damage or content to talk about in therapy.” 

“Eh, he’ll live. He’s made it this far.” 

“Suppose.” Remus’ gaze fell from Sirius to Teddy, who was chatting in a circle with the twins and Ron. It would be weird to not see them all together again until the holidays, assuming they all decided to come home. Teddy had planned to come home for Christmas, but Remus said the same thing to his parents when he was that age. By the time Christmas of his first year rolled around, he had much rather stay on campus with his new friends then leave everyone behind and travel back to friend-less Wales. 

Teddy wasn’t him though. Teddy had friends here. He had parents and a sibling and dogs. Teddy would want to come home. He had to come home, Remus couldn’t bear to be apart that long. 

*

Move in day finally arrived and Sirius, Remus, Harry, Teddy, and all of Teddy’s belongings were shoved into Sirius’ small car. They decided it would be easier to make the drive then try to bring all of Teddy’s luggage on the coach. Moving forward, Teddy would be taking the coach to and from school when he visited. 

“Are you excited, Teds?” Remus turned around in his seat to look at Teddy, a small, albeit nervous, smile on his lips. 

Teddy ran a hand through his freshly dyed blue curls, nodding his head. 

“Yes!” 

“Not nervous?” 

“No!” Teddy grinned and Remus flipped back around. Was it normal for a father to be more nervous about his son’s first day of school than his son? Probably. It was a parent’s job to worry. From the second Remus held Teddy in his arms, he felt worry for him. He didn’t want a single thing to hurt his beautiful baby boy. He swore, the moment he looked his son in the eyes the day in the hospital, he would never let anything hurt him. 

Remus had failed that promise a few times over the years.

“Well, good then. It’s going to be exciting.” 

“I just hope my roommate is cool.” Teddy let out a loud yawn and settled down in his seat. Next to him, Harry was already dozing off. It was just past seven in the morning and he clearly wasn’t used to being awake this early. 

“He seemed okay from what you’ve told us,” Sirius chimed in, having one hand on the wheel and the other across the middle console to hold onto Remus’ hand. 

“Yeah, I just hope he’s clean. I haven’t ever had to share a room before and I like my space clean.” 

“Well, you’ll be able to keep your half of the dorm clean and, worse comes to worse, you can just ignore his side.”
Remus hated his first year roommate and he couldn’t wait to move out with his friends and get a proper apartment. He supposed that was part of the universal university experience though. 

Teddy nodded and rested his head against the window, falling silent.
After a while, Sirius reached forward to play the music a little louder, giving Remus’ hand a reassuring squeeze. 

*

The drive passed by quickly, both boys in the back and Remus taking a nap for the majority of the trip. Remus woke up twenty minutes until arrival and apologized profusely for leaving Sirius alone for the whole ride. The drive to London wasn’t necessarily interesting and he had nothing to entertain himself with except a car full of exhausted people. 

Sirius assured him it wasn’t a problem and, in no time at all, they were pulling up to the campus. By this point, both boys in the back were awake again, looking eagerly out the windows. 

Families, cars, and luggage were everywhere. It was a bit chaotic, but Remus expected as much. 

He pulled out his phone to see Tonks had texted them that she was already there and waiting by the entrance. 

“Your mum is here,” Remus said to Teddy as they all clambered out of the car and stretched their legs. Normally on long drives they made pit stops to get snacks and walk around, but everyone was eager to get to their final destination this time. 

“Already?! What time did she leave? Bloody three in the morning?” 

“You know her, wants to be early for everything. She’s very excited, too.” And nervous. She was incredibly nervous. She called him last night nearly in tears, asking Remus if this was the right decision. Remus tried his best to reassure her, but he wasn’t confident in the words he was saying. How the hell was he supposed to know if they were making the correct decision? 

He talked with his mum about all of this and she told him there was no way to know if it was the right decision until they tried. If it turns out Teddy isn’t fit for university, then he’d come home. Remus just hoped that his arrival home would be by choice and not necessity. He didn’t want him to get himself in trouble or put himself in harm’s way. Remus would never forgive himself if he did. 

*

The move in went by too quickly. Remus was hoping he’d have hours with Teddy before he had to say goodbye, but he didn’t have a lot of things and between all of them it only took a few trips. Teddy’s roommate, Leo, was there by the time they brought the last item up, and both boys were excitedly getting to know each other. They were already making plans for where they should go out to eat tonight and it wasn’t even twelve. 

Remus wanted to stay and he knew Teddy would let him if he asked, but Remus had to do the best thing and let him go. Teddy would be fine. He was already fine. He had already made a friend, he was laughing, he was smiling. He was happy. He was fine. 

“Well…” Remus placed his hands on his hips and looked around the room. Teddy still had more things to hang up and put away, but they made good progress. He could do the rest later. 

On his newly made bed, Harry was laying down and fighting for his life to stay awake. Tonks was sitting in Teddy’s desk chair, looking around. Next to him, Sirius rested his head on Remus’ shoulder and had a sad, small smile on his lips. They didn’t speak, but Remus knew he was having similar thoughts as him. 

“I think our work here is done.” Remus copied Sirius’ smile. It didn’t feel right. He didn’t feel happy. He felt like bursting into tears. 

“It looks great, thank you so much for helping.” Teddy stood awkwardly in the room, looking between his parents. 

At the announcement of their completion, Harry sat up and rubbed at his eyes. He let out a yawn and pushed himself up on his feet. 

“I’m gonna to miss you, Teds.” Harry was the first to make a move to start the goodbyes. He pulled his little brother into a tight hug, whispering something too quiet for Remus to make out into Teddy’s ear. Teddy nodded his head and squeezed Harry back. 

Tonks was next, and then Sirius, and finally Remus. They stared at each other for a few moments before Teddy stepped forward and threw himself into his dad. Remus wrapped his arms tightly around Teddy and gave him a tight squeeze. 

“I’m so proud of you.” Remus kissed the top of his messy curls. “So proud.” 

“Thanks, Dad.” 

“Call or text if you need anything, okay? Or even if you just want to say hi. I’ll drop anything I’m doing for you.” Remus was being dramatic, but the truth was there all the same. Teddy was his world. Always would be. His son came before anything or anyone else. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too, Teds.” He kissed the top of his head once more, gave him a tight hug, and finally pulled away. 

“Ready to go?” He looked to Sirius, holding his hand out. 

Sirius nodded and grabbed hold. “Ready.” 

*

Teddy was due to arrive home for the holidays in exactly seventeen days. Not that Remus was counting (he was). He had a reminder on his phone and he circled the date on every calendar he owned. 

Teddy, as promised, called every week, but usually more. He was having a great time, he loved his classes, he got on well with his roommate, and he made a handful of amazing friends. He was honest in ways he never was before and that instilled Remus with hope that this was the right decision after all. 

After his first month at school, Teddy had informed Remus that he was smoking pot occasionally, but that he had it under control and he wasn’t doing anything more. He wasn’t drinking and, when he went out to parties, he never took pills. He enjoyed the calm with being high though, but he said he never smoked before classes or before work. He had gotten a small, part time job at a local coffee shop to make some extra spending money while he was there. 

It made Remus nervous, but there was something to say for his honesty. He appreciated Teddy being open about his habits and, for the first time in his whole life, Remus actually wasn’t worried about him. Teddy seemed to be doing just fine. 

Remus was enjoying the way things were going for himself, too. He loved his job, he loved his students, he loved the excited, thankful parents who told them how amazing he was and how much their child loved being in class. He loved Sirius, he loved the privacy they got, the new intimacy they were able to share. He loved, despite sometimes making him sad, the quiet of the house. The tranquility of coming home after a long day and not having children running around and dogs chasing them throughout the halls. 

They were all getting older now. Life was finally calming down. 

The tranquil walls of his house came crumbling down at 7:03pm on a random Tuesday in December. He was up in his office, finishing putting “great work” stickers on his students' recent spelling assignments when his phone rang. 

He glanced at the caller ID, unfamiliar with the number but recognizing the London area code. He assumed it was Teddy’s school calling, most likely an automated message about a weather warning or a tuition payment coming up. 

“Hello?” 

“Hello, am I speaking with Remus Lupin?” 

Remus’ heart sank as the very real, non-automated voice spoke down the line. “This is him. Who’s this?” 

“Hello Mr. Lupin, I’m calling from Royal London Hospital. We have your son, Edward Lupin, here—” 

Remus’ ears began to ring as the world around him came crumbling down. 

Notes:

:-0 <-- you reading the end of this chapter

((also I promise the next chapter will open immediately following this, I'm not doing some annoying time jump or random POV change :-)))))))) I gotchu babys))

Chapter 8: twenty eight days

Summary:

hi this chapter is very heavy, please keep the tws in mind as you read!

An overdose. An overdose. Lifeless body on the floor. Ambulance. Pumped stomach. Overdose. Overdose. 

“Remus? Can you hear me?” Sirius cupped both of Remus’ cheeks, gently tilting his head side to side to try and pull him out of his trance. 

When had he gotten here? Why were they on the floor? Why did Sirius look so scared? Had he called for him? Why were his cheeks wet? When did he start crying? 

“Remus, you’re scaring me.” 

“An overdose.” 

“What?” 

“Teddy overdosed.” 

Sirius dropped his hands away from Remus’ face, the color draining from his cheeks. His eyes grew wide as the words settled around them. 

“Is he…” 

Sirius couldn’t ask and Remus didn’t know. 

“I don’t know.” Remus finally looked at Sirius. “They said he was unconscious upon arrival but that they pumped his stomach. He…he hasn’t woken up yet though.” 

“What did he take?” 

“They don’t know.” 

“Holy shit.” Sirius looked like he was about to be ill and Remus didn’t blame him. Remus sort of felt like vomiting right now, too. 

Instead, he pushed himself up, his entire body trembling. He reached for his phone and shoved it into his pocket, holding a hand out for Sirius to take to stand as well. He felt like he was in a daze and his movements were in slow motion. 

An overdose. A fucking overdose. His poor baby boy, laying alone, lifeless in a hospital bed. Alone. Alone. Possibly dead. 

At the image of his dead son, Remus did in fact vomit. He rushed out of the room, abandoning his hold on Sirius’ hand. He barely made it to the bathroom in time before he was sick. 

Sirius rushed in after him and fell to his knees beside Remus, reaching out a shaky hand to gently rub between his shoulder blades. 

“We…we have to go. We need to call Tonks and..and I h-have to email my school. We need to figure out how long the drive will take. Have….someone has to feed the dogs. We need to find his—” 

“Hey…hey, take a breath.” 

He couldn’t. He couldn’t breathe. His son overdosed and was laying alone in some hospital while Remus was hours away. 

He tried to take in a breath but he choked on his tears. Sirius reached forward to cup both of his cheeks, forcing Remus to look his way. 

Sirius had tears dripping down his cheeks and his hands were shaking just as much as Remus’. 

“Deep breath. Follow my b-breathing,” Sirius stumbled on his words, forcing in a very deep and dramatic breath for Remus to follow along. This exercise was just as much for him as it was for Sirius. 

Remus followed his partner’s breathing until they both calmed down. His head was swirling with thoughts and he didn’t know where to start. 

“Let’s pack an overnight back quickly and then we can go. We can call Tonks on the way and you can email your school and a dog sitter in the car.” 

Sirius, the voice of reason. Remus was the one who normally came up with the plans but right now he couldn’t think of anything else except Teddy’s limp body on the floor. He was all alone. 

Remus nodded, took one final breath, and pushed himself up.

*

They got out the door quickly, both packing the essentials they’d need for a few nights in a hospital. Although they didn’t know the state Teddy was in or how long his stay would be, they were preparing for anything. 

Remus called Tonks while Sirius drove a little over the speed limit, the roads empty this time of night. It’d be busier as they got into the city, but they had a few hours before then. 

Tonks was a mess the moment Remus got the words past his lips and she promised to leave the house as soon as she packed a bag for herself to catch the next flight to London. 

After his phone call, he texted Marlene about checking in on the dogs and quickly sent an email to his supervisor at the school, letting him know he’d be out the next week on a family emergency. Normally he’d litter his email with niceties, apologies, and a promise to help find coverage but tonight he kept it simple. His priority was his son, nothing and no one else mattered to him. 

“I can’t stop imagining him dead.” 

Sirius didn’t say anything for a moment, his eyes glued to the road ahead of him. 

“Me neither,” he finally whispered. “My mind is coming up with the worst possible scenarios.” 

“Do you think it’s bad they haven’t called us?” 

“No. They said it would be awhile and I’m not sure how much information they’re even allowed to give us over the phone. It depends on what Teddy has listed down in his file.” Sirius glanced quickly at Remus, giving him a sad look. 

They hadn’t ever prepared for medical emergencies. Out of all Remus’ fears for Teddy’s time at university, being in hospital was not one of them. 

The rest of the ride was silent, though Remus felt he could’ve spent the entire time rambling about each and every one of his thoughts. 

When they arrived, Sirius found parking quickly and they both got out of the car, leaving their belongings behind. Tonks hadn’t arrived yet, but texted a while ago that she was boarding. The flight was only about two hours so she’d be here soon enough. 

Remus reached for Sirius’ hand as they made their way into the hospital, the building blinding with its fluorescent lights and white walls. The room was crowded with people waiting for loved ones. Remus didn’t want to have to join them. He didn’t want to be here. 

Sirius squeezed his hand gently and dragged him over to check in.

*

In the end, they only waited about twenty minutes before a doctor had called their names and led them through the doors of the ward. 

“Thank you both for your patience, I know how scary this whole thing is.” The doctor gave them both a soft smile, but Remus didn’t have it in him to respond. He just needed to know his son was okay. 

“Is he—” He couldn’t ask. He couldn’t say the word. 

“He is stable.” 

Both Sirius and Remus let out a breath and relaxed at the words, though Sirius’ grip increased on his hand. 

“Thank god,” Sirius sighed. 

“The paramedics gave him Naloxone upon their arrival in the dorm and then brought him straight here. Once he arrived we gave him activated charcoal, which acts as an absorbent for the drugs in his system. He came to us in a critical state, so he’s going to be out of it for a little while,” The doctor paused, giving them both a moment to digest the information. “Due to the overdose, he had impaired breathing and needed support. He had a breathing tube placed when he first arrived, but he’s breathing on his own now. We’ve left him with an oxygen mask on, but that’s just a precaution. I just wanted to give you both the heads up before seeing him.” 

“What did he take?” 

“His roommate, the one who called us, said he found a bottle of Roxicodone, an opioid, in their bathroom. We are unsure if that’s all he took, but Edward has not been in a state of consciousness long enough to answer any questions.” 

It wasn’t an accident then. He had been using. Fuck, Remus was so stupid. He was such a fucking idiot. He shouldn’t have trusted Teddy to go to university. He should’ve listened to his gut and kept him home a little longer. 

“Has Edward struggled with addiction in the past?”

“Yes,” Sirius replied, his face drained of any color. 

The doctor quickly scribbled something down on his notes he had in front of him. “Right, once Edward is awake and ready to talk, I’m going to send someone down to do a psych evaluation on him and have someone come talk to all three of you about rehab options.”

Rehab? Teddy would never agree to that. He didn’t even want to admit he had a problem, much less get help for it. 

“Thank you,” Remus finally spoke, shaking himself out of his reverie. 

“Of course.” The doctor led them to the private room Teddy was in, stopping before opening it. “It’s past visiting hours and normally we only allow one guest overnight, but I’ll make an exception for the both of you. I know how troubling this whole situation is, and we have resources for parents of addicts if that’s something you’re both interested in.” 

Parents of addicts. Is that what they were now? Were they supposed to attend support groups and go to therapy? Remus didn’t want to do any of that. 

“Thank you,” Remus mumbled again, feeling dizzy with all of the information. “Oh uh…his mum should be here soon too. You don’t reckon you could look past that one person rule and make one more exception?” Remus must’ve looked desperate because the doctor gave him a sympathetic nod and led them both into the room. 

Remus wanted to throw up at the sight. 

In bed, Teddy lay under a blanket with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and an IV sticking out of his hand. He was hooked up to a heart monitor, the steady beeps filling the otherwise quiet room. He looked horribly pale with dark circles under his eyes and sunken in cheekbones. He had been using for awhile, then. Lying to Remus every week during their phone calls. He told him everything was fine, that he was doing better. He said it was just pot. 

“As he wakes up, he will most likely experience withdrawal symptoms. This can include dizziness, fever, aggravation, and vomiting. We will keep him on a mandatory forty eight hour hold as he detoxes and, from there, you all can decide if rehab is the best decision. We do offer a thirty day program here at the hospital, but I’ll send someone in later to give you all your options.” 

Both Sirius and Remus nodded but neither broke eye contact with the boy laying in the bed. 

“If you need anything, just hit the red call button on the side of the bed. They’ll be a nurse in every thirty minutes to take vitals.” The doctor excused himself from the room, shutting the door quietly behind him. 

For a moment it felt as if the world had frozen, Remus’ breath caught in his throat and his heart stopped for a few moments. Neither man moved at first, until Sirius finally broke the silence. 

“He’s alive.” 

Barely. He didn’t look alive. He looked like someone who had just overdosed and had been using for god knows how long. 

“Do you think it was intentional?” Remus whispered, the normal volume of his voice feeling out of place.  

“I don’t know.” 

Remus was hoping for a solid answer, for proof his son hadn’t actually tried to kill himself. He couldn’t get that though and, sadly, he didn’t trust Teddy to tell the truth either. 

“He seemed okay…happy, even,” Remus mumbled and finally took a few steps forward to the bed. He wanted to grab hold of his hand but he didn’t want to cause his son anymore pain. 

“He’s good at lying.” 

Too good. Too fucking good. 

“Why would he lie? Why wouldn’t he tell us he was struggling and using again?” 

“Because then we’d be right.” 

Of course they were right. They were his parents, they were supposed to be right. They were supposed to keep their child safe and instead they let Teddy’s persuasive begging get the better of them. 

Remus crept towards the bed and placed a gentle hand on Teddy’s cheek, stroking his thumb across the soft skin. 

He wanted to cry. 

He was allowed to cry. 

Sirius walked over and rested his hand on Teddy’s blanket covered ankle, giving it a gentle squeeze. The boy didn’t move from either of their touches. If it weren’t for the steady beeping of the machine, Remus could’ve been convinced that Teddy didn’t survive the OD. 

“I keep hoping to wake up and find this was all some horrible dream,” Remus mumbled, dropping his hand away from Teddy’s cheek. 

Sirius moved his hand as well and took a step closer to Remus, plopping his head against his shoulder. 

Nothing either of them could say anything that would make this better.

*

Tonks ended up arriving right around the time she said she would, looking frazzled. Her eyes were red rimmed and her cheeks and nose were blotchy, signs she had been crying, too. 

He and Sirius exited the room so she could have some time alone with Teddy, to get used to his appearance and lack of life. He hadn’t as much as stirred since they arrived, though the nurse kept checking his vitals every thirty minutes and she reported nothing negative. If there was an issue, they’d know. 

After everyone’s adrenaline from the evening finally wore off, the three of them set up some shitty makeshift beds with the hard plastic chairs and the blankets and pillows the nurse brought them. 

Remus, sitting up right with a pillow behind his head and Sirius’ head in his lap, managed to eventually drift off to a restless sleep.
 

*

“Dad? Dad, are you there?” The voice echoed down the long corridor that Remus had been trying to run down. The more he moved, the further and further the voice went. 

“Teddy! I’m here, I’m right here!” Remus shouted and picked up his speed, out of breath and dizzy. 

“Dad, p-please. I need help!” Teddy was crying, sounding a million miles away. 

Remus ran and ran until he felt his legs would give out underneath him. At last, he reached the end of the hall to find an empty room with the door open. The room was lit by nothing but an old, hanging light with no shade. In the middle of the room, Teddy lay on his back, gasping in pain and holding his bleeding stomach. 

“Teddy?!” Remus fell to his knees and examined his boy. He had blood dripping down the side of his lips and down his cheek, his eyes squeezed shut in agony. 

“Teds, what happened?!” 

“I’m h-hurt, Dad. I’m…I’m hurt,” he wheezed, coughing and splattering blood into the air. 

“It’s okay. It’s okay, I’m going to help. You’re okay—” Remus reached forward to cup Teddy’s cheek.
In a blink of an eye, Teddy was no longer himself. Instead, a young boy lay where he once was. He had round, bright eyes, a missing front tooth, and freckles covering his cheeks. 

“Daddy?” The young boy whispered. Teddy. “Daddy I’m scared.” 

“Shh…shh…I’m right here. I’m right here, Teddy. I’m not going to let you get hurt. I’m not—” 

Remus jumped awake with a gasp, his body shaking with panic from his dream. He blinked a few times and then looked over to see Teddy very much alive in his hospital bed. 

He glanced over to his left to see both Sirius and Tonks passed out, though he figured they hadn’t been sleeping any better than he had. There was no way to sleep in peace in a place like this. Too many noises, lights, and nurses coming in. 

Sirius had moved sometime in the night and abandoned Remus lap as a pillow and instead turned to using his curled up jumper, his legs sprawled across the seat and over Tonk’s legs. Tonks, laying half sideways, had a hand resting on Sirius’ ankle, her lips parted as gentle snores left her mouth. 

This was the closest he had ever seen them. Though Tonks and Sirius were cordial towards each other, they never really passed the phase of awkward ex wife and current partner having to now be in each other’s life to co-raise a child. If the circumstances for their reunion were different, Remus would’ve found their cuddled up position quite endearing. 

Remus leant down to place a soft kiss to the top of Sirius’ head before he pushed his body up and out of the chair. His back shot a wave of pain up his spine and his knees ached as he hobbled his way quietly out of the room. 

He wanted a cigarette but assumed it would be heavily frowned upon to smoke anywhere near the hospital. Plus, it felt sort of wrong. What type of role model was he to Teddy if he was giving in to his own addiction? 

Instead, he walked down the halls until he found the chapel, figuring it would be empty this time of day. He opened the doors and found no one else in the room. He sat himself down in one of the pews and let out a deep, heavy sigh. 

He wasn’t religious by any means, but right now he was half tempted to pray to a god he didn’t believe in. 

He reached for his phone and swiped through his contacts until he found his mother’s number. He pressed call and held the phone to his ear. 

“Hi, my baby.” Even though Remus couldn’t see her, he could tell she was smiling. “You’re up early.” 

His mum woke up before sunrise every morning to tend to the farm. She didn’t need to, but she said it was peaceful to be with all the animals before the rest of society was up. 

“Yeah...” Remus whispered, sinking down in the pew. 

“What happened?” Her previous cheery tone was gone, replaced now with worry. 

“Teddy’s in hospital.” 

“What?” She gasped quietly. “Is he okay?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“What happened?” 

Remus paused for a few moments. Although it was Teddy’s story to tell, he felt he had the right to at least talk to his mother. He told her everything and right now he needed her. He needed a parent to tell him he was parenting right. 

“He overdosed in his dorm room. We’re not sure if it was on purpose or by accident. Either way, he’s not in great shape. He hasn’t fully woken up yet. He’s just in and out of it.” 

“Oh, sweetheart…” Hope’s voice was gentle and Remus felt tears well up in his eyes. 

“I’m terrified, Mum. I got the call and lost it. I haven’t been able to think straight since.” The tears dripped down Remus’ cheek and he didn’t bother to wipe them away. “The doctors will keep him here for a mandatory forty eight hour hold and then they suggest rehab. We’re going to talk to some people tomorrow, but I know Teddy will throw a fit.” 

“I thought he was doing better? You told me he was really enjoying uni and…well…he was doing better.” 

“Either he was and he had an intense slip up or he’s been lying to us all for months.” Remus knew, deep down, it was the latter. It terrified him how good Teddy was at lying. Where did he learn that from? 

His mother let out a heavy sigh, similar to his own. “How are you all holding up?” 

“Not well…Tonks and Sirius are asleep in the room, but I stepped out to take a break.” There was a brief pause before he finally muttered the words that had been haunting him. “What am I doing wrong, mum?” 

“Cariad, you aren’t doing anything wrong…” 

“Then why is he doing this to himself? I feel like it’s all my fault, that I fucked him up somehow during childhood and now he’s like this.”  

“Remus, listen to me. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’ve given both your boys a wonderful life. Addiction is a messy, messy thing and sometimes it doesn’t have to stem from anything. Whatever Teddy is struggling with is not because of you.” 

“I feel like I’m not doing enough to help him…” 

“You’re doing everything you can. He has to want to get help, and it doesn’t seem like he wants that.” 

“Do you think rehab is the best option?” 

“Yes. I think it’s the only option you have right now.” 

“He’s not going to want to go, and since he’s an adult he technically doesn’t have to.” 

“No, but you’ll get him there. Between you, Sirius, and Tonks, you’ll manage to get him into a program. I have to believe, somewhere deep down he does want to get better. Suffering alone is miserable and a death sentence…no one wants that sort of life.” 

And yet, it was the life Teddy was living.

*

When he made it back to the room, Teddy was finally awake. Sirius and Tonks hovered over each side of his bed, talking in hushed voices. 

Teddy looked horrible. He was shaky, pale, and covered in a thin layer of sweat. The doctors had warned them about withdrawing, but it still was a shock to see. It was proof that Teddy really, truly, was using again. 

“Hey…” Remus walked over to the bed, joining Tonks on the right side. She scooted over to give Remus room. “Hey…hey, you’re okay,” Remus whispered and reached for Teddy’s hand to give it a gentle squeeze. 

The boy looked to his father with wide, panicked eyes. “I’m s-sorry. I’m sorry. I fucked up. I f-fucked up, I’m so sorry.” Tears dripped down his cheeks and all Remus could do was squeeze his hand a little tighter.

*

The talk of rehab went about as well as Remus had expected. Teddy threw a fit when his options were presented to him not as a choice but rather a demand. Remus, Sirius, and Tonks had agreed that Teddy needed to go to rehab, should he want to return home to either of them. It was tough love, but Remus assumed Teddy wouldn’t take the bait any other way. If he truly denied rehab, Remus had a feeling he’d give in and let Teddy come home anyway.
However, after a lot of yelling and crying, from everyone involved, Teddy finally agreed. His forty eight hour hold would be up tomorrow and he’d be brought straight to the rehab program the hospital had. It was a twenty eight day inpatient program with the hope that Teddy may want to continue at a different, longer program after. Remus read that so rarely rehab was successful for such a short amount of time. To Teddy, twenty eight days felt like a year, but in the grand scheme of things it was nothing. 

He had read somewhere once that it took twenty one days to form a habit and ninety days to make a lifestyle change. He wasn’t sure how accurate it was, but he did know twenty eight days wasn’t long enough to become and stay sober. 

It’s all they had right now though. Step one was getting him to agree, they’d figure out the rest later. 

“Dad?” Teddy whispered into the quiet room. 

Remus looked up from his phone and over to his son. Tonks and Sirius were out grabbing them some proper food right now, so it was just him and Teddy for the time being. It was the first time he had been alone with him since Teddy’s arrival. 

“Hm?” 

“I’m really sorry.” 

Remus sighed and pushed himself up. He walked over to the bed and reached over to grab Teddy’s hand. He still was pale and shaky, but it seemed as if the withdrawal symptoms were slowly passing. 

“I know, Teds.” 

“Are you mad at me?” 

“No, of course not. I’m just concerned.” Remus squeezed his hand gently. “I don’t like seeing you hurt.” 

“I know…” Teddy lifted up a hand to rub at his eyes, his baggy hospital sleeve rolling up just enough to expose his upper inner arm. On his pale arm lay multiple deep, angry red and pink scars. Though Remus wanted to believe they were there by accident, they were too neatly placed to be anything other than intentional.

“Teds, can I ask you something?” 

“Yeah.” 

“You…did you do this on purpose? I know you told the psychiatrist you didn’t but…” I just need to hear it one more time. “I just want to make sure. You told me you were doing better and this was all just a shock.” 

“I am doing better, Dad.” Teddy carefully pushed himself up and painted a fake smile on his lips. Maybe he thought Remus was stupid enough to believe it was real. “I just made a mistake. I’m doing better though, I promise. It was just a slip up, it’s not going to happen again.” 

It was Remus’ turn to wear a fake smile. It was small, but there all the same. He leaned forward and kissed the top of his son’s head. “Okay, Teds,” He whispered. “I believe you.”

*

“Please.” Teddy was crying again, gripping onto Remus’ arm tightly. 

“Teddy, c’mon. You have to. This was the promise. You go to rehab and then you can come home.” Remus felt close to tears as he looked desperately around at the others in the room. Everyone stood frozen in place. 

“I know, I know. I’ll be good this time, okay? I promise I won’t do drugs. It was just a m-mistake. It…Uni was too hard. I’m better now though!” 

The tears dripped down Remus' cheeks at this. “No…no, you’re not. You need help, Teddy. More than the three of us can give you.” 

“No, I promise I’ll be good. I won’t do any more. I’m d-done.” 

Tonks had her hand on his shoulder, the nurse waiting patiently at the door, and Teddy was still gripping onto Remus’ arm. Remus wanted to hold him, to take him back home, and pretend it was all okay. He wanted to keep him safe from this whole mess, but he had to go. Remus couldn’t protect him anymore, not from this. Sending him away was the best decision. 

“Bug, you have to go.” The nickname slipped out, something he hadn’t called Teddy in ages. In this moment, he saw his baby boy though. He saw Teddy crying on his first day of school, not wanting to be left alone. He saw Teddy asking for a bandaid after he tripped and split his knee open. He saw Teddy hugging him goodbye in the airport on his way to his mum’s. He saw him now, on his way to rehab. 

Teddy let out a sob and finally let go of Remus’ arm. 

“C’mon, sweetheart.” Tonks gave his shoulder a squeeze and helped turn Teddy around towards the door, gently leading him out of the room. 

Remus stood frozen, watching him go. He wanted to chase after him, be the one to beg Teddy to stay, but he didn’t move. This was what needed to happen. 

“You okay?” Sirius walked up to Remus, reaching forward to grab his hand. 

“Yeah, I think so.” I will be. One day. 

“Ready to go?” 

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

*

Remus and Sirius were in charge of packing up Teddy’s dorm room while Tonks was in charge of getting Teddy moved into rehab. Leo, his roommate, had come by earlier in the day and dropped off a bag of Teddy’s things so he’d have all the essentials he needed while he was in recovery. 

Remus sort of hoped he could have been the one to see Teddy off, but he knew it’d be best if Tonks did it. Teddy seemed to always get Remus to agree to whatever it was he was asking and right now, Teddy needed someone who could hold their ground unconditionally. Besides, Teddy would be coming back to their house after rehab and he’d need all his stuff when he returned. 

Once they parked and made their way to the dorm, courtesy of Leo letting them in, they began to pack in silence. Teddy didn’t have a lot of belongings, so it didn’t take too long, yet it felt like they were in there for ages. 

Leo sat quietly on his bed, going on his phone on and off. 

“I’m really sorry…” He said once Remus and Sirius were practically done. 

“What for?” Remus looked up from the bag in front of him. 

“I…I don’t know. I feel like I should’ve reached out to you both sooner. Teddy said he was fine but I could tell something was off,” Leo sighed, tossing his phone to the side. “Everyone does drugs at parties, I just…I don’t know, he said he had it under control. I’m just sorry.” 

“Hey…” Remus walked over to the boy and sat down on the edge of his bed. “It’s not your fault, Leo. Addiction is all consuming and you couldn’t have stopped it. Even if you had called us, Teddy wouldn’t have stopped. He’s where he needs to be right now, even if the circumstances to him getting there isn’t great.” 

“Do you think he’ll be okay?” 

“I think so, yeah. The program will hopefully help a lot.” 

Leo nodded and looked sadly down at his lap. “Will you tell him to text me when he’s out? I know he’s going back to live with you two, but I want him to know we can still hang out if he ever finds himself in the area again.” 

“I will, yeah.” Remus gave the boy a soft smile. “You’re a good friend, Leo. He’s lucky to have you.”

*

After the last item got placed in the car, Remus slammed the door shut and flopped himself down into the passenger seat. Sirius was already in the car, plugging in the navigation to get them home. 

“Ready to go?” 

“God, yes. I’m exhausted.” Remus buckled himself in, letting out a deep sigh.

“Me too. I can’t wait to sleep in an actual bed and take a shower. I must reek.”

“I’m no better, trust me.” 

Neither of them had showered while they were in the hospital and Remus couldn’t wait to take a warm shower and wash away the last few days. 

“Pick us something nice to listen to.” Sirius blindly tossed his phone to Remus as he pulled them out onto the main road.

Remus opened his phone, freezing at the background photo. It was of Remus buried under Harry and Teddy, both dogs wagging their tails and barking excitedly. The photo was blurry from all the motion, but there was a smile on everyone’s faces. 

Remus remembered that night so vividly. It was last year and they had ordered in pizza for a movie night. Remus had fallen asleep in the arm chair and Teddy and Harry woke him up by Teddy jumping into his lap and Harry leaning over the back of the chair to drape his body across Remus’. Remus woke with a gasp as the boys laughed loudly, causing the dogs to join in in the excitement. Remus laughed too, Sirius snapping a picture of the scene in front of him. 

He had seen the photo a hundred times before, but right now it made him want to cry. Was Teddy high in this photo? Was that smile real? Was he happy?

Remus slid Sirius’ phone open, typing in 2002 (the year they met) to unlock it. He opened Spotify and picked the first playlist he saw, not wanting to waste thought on anything other than his son.

*

Remus fell asleep sometime during the ride home and only awoke when Sirius was at his side, gently shaking his shoulder. 

“C’mon, baby. Let’s head in,” he whispered and Remus agreed sleepily. “We’ll get his things out of the car tomorrow.” 

“Yeah.” Remus yawned and followed Sirius out of the car and into the house. 

Remus expected to be greeted by two very happy dogs, but he was met with silence instead. Remus took a few steps into the living room and nearly jumped out of his skin when he was greeted with a distressed looking Harry, who was pacing around the room. 

“Where the hell have you both been?!” He rushed towards Remus and Sirius. 

“Hey, hey…what’s wrong?” Sirius dropped his bag onto the floor and reached out to put both his hands on Harry’s shoulder.

“What’s wrong?! No one’s been answering my texts and I checked your location to see you were in London! I called and texted Teddy too but his phone is off. I…I thought he…I…”  

“Oh, love.” Sirius pulled Harry into his chest, throwing a worried look over to Remus. 

Remus was about ready to cry, both from exhaustion and from the look of devastation on Harry’s face. They hadn’t told him about the overdose or rehab, figuring it best to let Harry live in bliss as long as possible. 

“What happened? Is he okay?” Harry pulled away from Sirius and Remus let out a sigh. 

“Hey…let’s sit down, yeah?” 

Remus led everyone to the couch, Harry settled between the both of them. 

They explained everything to him, not leaving out any details. As much as it hurt to retell the tails of the last seventy two hours, Harry deserved to know the truth. 

By the end of their speech, Harry had tears dripping down his cheeks. 

“Can I visit him?” 

“No, Haz. He’ll do better if we let him be. He needs some time alone to heal, but you can call him or email him, okay? We already put your name on the approved call sheet.” 

“Is…will he be okay?” 

“Yes. He’s in good hands and physically he’s doing better. He shouldn’t have any lasting damage from the overdose,” Remus explained, not able to look him in the eyes anymore. “He’ll be okay.” 

“Alright.” Harry sniffled and wiped at his eyes. “Can I stay here tonight?” 

“Of course. You can stay whenever you want, you know that.” Sirius leant over and kissed the top of Harry’s head. “Truthfully though, we’re both so exhausted we’re most likely going to take a shower and head straight to bed.” 

“That’s okay.” Harry sniffled again. “I just want to be here tonight.”

*

Later that night, Remus awoke to soft whispers in bed next to him. His groggy mind tried its best to make out the words, but he only got bits and pieces at first. 

“Harry you—” 

“I don’t want—” 

“Come on, don’t think—” 

It took a few seconds before his brain finally caught up and he blinked his eyes a few times to take in the dark room around him. His back was facing the other two, so neither realised he was awake and eavesdropping. 

“But is it my fault?” 

“Teddy’s addiction?” 

“Yeah,” Harry paused. “I’m the one who gave him pot for the first time…I’m the one who encouraged him to try it.” 

Remus’ heart sped up and pounded against his chest. He squeezed his eyes shut again. Go back to sleep. Go back to sleep.

“And I didn’t…I should’ve stopped him from taking all those drugs on our trip.” 

“Harry, none of this is your fault. You can’t control him, nor is it your responsibility to,” Sirius paused and shuffled so he was sitting up properly. “Let’s go out and talk, okay? I don’t want to wake Remus up.” 

Sirius pulled back the covers and gently tucked them back around Remus, so tender Remus could weep at the action.

Remus waited until he heard the bedroom door click shut, hushed voices trailing down the hall, before he exhaled and let the tears drip down his cheeks. 

Harry had always felt a responsibility for Teddy and Remus could see clearly now just how bad it was chipping away at him.

*

Remus tried his best to fill his days with activities that were good for him. 

The next month was going to be long and he wasn’t doing anyone any favors by moping around.

His days looked like:

“Baby, fuck,” Remus whined as Sirius thrust into him. He had his legs wrapped around Sirius’ waist, while Sirius had Remus boxed in between his arms and hands. “Fuck, fuck!” He moaned and Sirius sped up his actions. 

“Come for me. Fuck, come for me,” Sirius demanded and Remus did, white strips shooting across his chest and splashing up to his jaw. 

Sirius pulled out after a few more thrusts, leaning down to lick the trail of come clean from Remus’ body until they were face to face. 

Remus pulled him in for a kiss, tasting himself on Sirius’ tongue. “You’re gorgeous,” he whispered once they broke apart, both boys panting and trying desperately to catch their breath.  

Remus reached down blindly for the strap on and helped Sirius wiggle out of it. He tossed it carelessly to the side and flipped their bodies around so it was Sirius on his back and Remus on top. 

He kissed down Sirius’ chest, hips, thighs, until he reached his cunt. He spread his partner’s legs apart and leaned forward, licking a strip up the sensitive skin. His tongue explored Sirius’ entrance and he ate him out until Sirius’ thighs were shaking and he was slurring out incoherent words. He came on Remus’ face with a loud moan, sinking down as much as he could on Remus’ tongue 

Remus continued his motions until Sirius’ begged him to stop, overstimulated and spent. Remus pulled away and rested his head on Sirius’ thigh, a content smile on his lips.

And this: 

“Oh I’m so glad the two of you could finally visit.” Hope brought both of them a mug of tea, Remus’ with two sugars and a splash of milk and Sirius’ black. 

“Me too. I’m sorry it’s been so long, Hope. We’ve both been so busy and a bit distracted.” Sirius reached for his mug, taking a sip despite the burn. 

“I know.” She reached over to take Sirius’ hand in her own, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I know, loves.”

 She looked over to Remus with a soft, sad smile. 

“Now c’mon, drink up. I want to introduce you both to Cinnamon.” 

Cinnamon, Hope’s newest horse, had come to live with them a few weeks ago but Remus and Sirius hadn’t had time to visit. 

“Yeah, alright.” Remus forced himself to smile, convincing himself one of these days it would feel more genuine in the midst of all the hardships.

And this: 

“Mr. Lupin!” Axel, a boy from his class, came running up to his desk. He was the first one in today, a huge smile on his face despite the early morning. 

Trailing behind him with a plate of muffins was his mother, Kathryn, a smile on her face as well. Her face was worn and tiredness was evident behind her features. 

“Good morning, Axel.” Remus pushed himself up from his desk, kneeling down so he was face to face with the little boy. “How are you this morning?” 

“Good! We made you snacks.” Axel pointed up to his mother. 

“Snacks?” 

“Muffins,” Kathryn corrected, lifting up the plate. “We baked some last night and had a few extra. I wanted to bring them in as a thank you for being such a wonderful teacher.” 

Remus pushed himself up, his cheeks reddening from the compliment. 

“That’s so kind, thank you.” He took the plate from her and set it on the edge of his desk. 

“Really, thank you. I was so scared to send Axel to school, with everything that’s happened this last year, but you’ve made the transition wonderful.” 

Axel had lost his father a few months ago to cancer. His mother had disclosed it to him the very first day of school, tears in her eyes as she explained that Axel may have a hard time adjusting to another big change in his life. Axel was wonderful though. He had a smile on his face every morning, was friends with everyone, and always had an answer to the questions Remus would ask the class. 

“Axel’s wonderful. It’s my honor to be his teacher.” 

“We made enough so you can share them with your friend,” Axel said, holding onto the straps of his backpack.

“My friend?” 

“Yeah!” The little boy pointed to the framed photo of Remus and Sirius on his desk. “Your friend! The one that sometimes comes in and eats lunch with us. Ser…Sir…Serious?” 

“Sirius,” Remus corrected with a smile and Kathryn gave him an apologetic look, though she was chuckling. 

“Sirius is actually my partner.” 

“Oh…so you kiss and stuff?” 

Remus chuckled again, giving the boy a nod. “Yeah. We kiss and stuff.” 

Axel seems satisfied with that answer, no longer interested in the conversation. He hugged his mother goodbye and walked over to his seat, getting ready for another day.

And some more of this: 

Remus had his hand wrapped around Sirius’ throat, his thumbs digging in to either side. Sirius let out a broken cry, his body writhing underneath Remus. Sirius had one hand gripping the sheets and one digging claw marks into Remus’ back, creating crescent moons in his pale skin. Remus was certain there’d be blood underneath Sirius’ finger nails when they were done. 

Remus pounded into him, his eyes glued to Sirius’ face. Sirius’ lips were parted and he was gasping for air, his pupils blown with lust. Remus almost came at the sight of it.

“You better not come until I tell you to,” Remus warned and Sirius did his best to nod his head, despite being pinned down by Remus’ grip. 

He only lasted thirty more seconds before he came in Sirius with a loud moan, his thrusts speeding up through his climax. The headboard of the bed smashed into the wall, hard enough to leave a dent, and Remus was very thankful for the empty house. 

“You’ve been such a good boy, Sirius.” Remus didn’t slow his pace, knowing Sirius liked it best when he could come around Remus’ movements. “Come for me, baby.” 

Sirius let out a sob and came around Remus, tears dripping down his cheeks as he climaxed. His body arched up and Remus fucked Sirius through his orgasm, slowing down only when Sirius’ body stilled and relaxed below him. He removed his hand from Sirius’ neck, a red handprint left against the pale skin. Remus wanted to eat Sirius whole. This man was stunning. 

“Fuck.” Remus carefully pulled out and reached down to wipe Sirius’ tears away from his red, blotchy cheeks. “You were perfect, Sirius.” 

Sirius hummed and turned to look at Remus, though he wasn’t fully there. He was in his floaty headspace, something they were both familiar with. 

“So, so perfect. You did so well, baby.” Remus leant down to kiss Sirius’ forehead. “Let me go get you a towel and some water. I’ll be right back.”

And this: 

Remus walked down the hall with a basket full of clean, warm clothes. He had promised himself to actually fold them immediately instead of leaving them a heap on the floor, though now that he was finished with laundry he didn’t really want to do anything else. 

Passing Teddy’s door he noticed it was opened halfway. The lights were off inside and no one else was home, so Remus set down the basket to investigate. 

He crept into the room as if he’d see a ghost, but when he turned the light on all he was met with was his son’s messy room and Lady, curled up on his unmade bed. 

Remus let out a deep sigh and walked over to the bed, sitting down on the edge next to the dog. 

“I miss him too…” 

Lady opened her eyes and looked up at him, the hair on her face greying with old age. Remus pet the top of his head and looked around the room. 

“Five more days.” 

He hadn’t heard from Teddy once, but he wasn’t entirely shocked. Teddy had left in such a whirlwind of emotions, the main one being anger. He didn’t want to go and Remus knew he’d resent him for it. He could only hope, after a month of treatment, Teddy came to his senses just enough to realise why they had to send him away. 

He noticed Teddy’s stuffed dog sitting by his pillow, well-loved and fading in color. His room was completely different from when he was a kid, but this dog survived all the changes and phases Teddy had gone through. 

Remus reached over and held the dog delicately in his hands, running his finger over the soft fabric. 

He remembered the day they brought Teddy home with this dog, stuffed into the car seat next to him. Remus and Tonks were the happiest they had ever been, their precious baby boy the perfect addition into their lives. 

Now their baby boy was gone. Locked away in treatment, most likely full of resentment towards his parents. 

Warm tears slipped down Remus’ cheeks, the dog in his hands blurring. 

“Five more days,” He whispered again and closed his eyes, holding the dog to his chest.

And, surprisingly, this: 

“Do you think he got himself into trouble?” 

“Nah…he wouldn’t tell us like this.” Sirius swung their clasped hands, seemingly unworried about the impromptu meeting with their son. 

Harry had texted them both this morning asking if they would meet him and Ginny for dinner. He said he had something to tell him and, despite further questioning from both Sirius and Remus, the boy didn’t respond to their texts. 

“Why couldn’t he respond to us then? Tell us everything was alright.” 

Remus tugged on Sirius’ hand when they arrived at the restaurant, leading them to the door. 

“I don’t know…maybe he’s busy?” Sirius responded with a shrug.

“You’re too calm.” 

“I can’t be stressed until I know for sure we have something to stress over.” A lesson he must’ve learned from everything with Teddy. They were programmed to jump to the worst conclusions whenever something happened. “I’d like to think one of our kids has their shit together. Don’t think I can handle both of them getting into messes.” 

Teddy came home tomorrow and neither man knew what to expect. Anger? Acceptance? Joy? Relapse? 

“Yeah…alright. C’mon…” 

They found Ginny and Harry immediately, the couple huddled close together and whispering something. They both looked exhausted and Remus’ stomach sunk at the idea that something may actually be wrong. 

“Hey,” Sirius cleared his throat to gain their attention and Harry and Ginny looked up at them startled. 

“Hi!” Harry plastered a forced smile on his face and jumped up to give Remus and Sirius a quick hug before ushering them into their seats. 

Under the table Remus’ bounced his leg up and down, so much so Sirius had to reach over and place a gentle hand on his knee. 

“What’s going on?” Sirius was the first to break the silence. 

“We uh…have something we want to tell you both,” Ginny said, her cheeks flushed red to match her ginger hair. 

“But don’t be mad,” Harry added, quite unhelpfully. 

“Kid, whenever you tell us not to be mad our first instinct is to be mad,” Sirius teased but the joke fell flat. “What’s up?” 

“We uh…” Harry looked at Ginny, holding her hand on the table. “She’s…well…we’re…” 

“I’m pregnant,” Ginny cut in, saving Harry from embarrassing himself further. 

Remus’ eyes widened and he quickly looked between everyone at the table. It wasn’t at all what he was expecting and he was relieved at the positive news. 

“Oh shit,” Sirius gasped, a grin spreading across his face. “Are you really? That’s amazing!” 

“You’re not mad?” 

“No? Why would we be mad?” 

“I…I don’t know! We’re young and in school and not financially doing amazing and blah blah, be responsible—” 

“Haz….Haz, slow down.” 

Harry paused and took in a breath. 

“I think this news is wonderful and if you’re both happy, we’re happy too. Your mum and dad had you at a much younger age and no one knew what to do. They were freaking out which made me freak out. At the time, none of us knew anyone who had a baby, so all the advice we got was from horrible first time parent baby books.” Sirius chuckled. “It was a mess. They didn’t know the first thing about raising a baby. James came crying to me one night, saying he was going to be a bad dad. Two nights later, Lily came crying to me about the same thing, but they were the best parents I’ve ever seen. Far better than me.” 

“Sirius, you’re a great parent,” Harry said, his voice less panicked than a minute ago.

Sirius waved him off, giving him a soft smile.  But you know what?” “

“Hm?” 

“Despite it all. Despite all the worries and responsibilities and fear of fucking everything up, they loved you. You were nothing more than a bundle of cells and they were already in love. When you were born, I swear I’ve never seen James or Lily that happy in their entire lives. No one knows what they’re doing, but you both will learn and make mistakes. As long as you love the kid, it’ll turn out fine.” 

Harry deflated at this, nodding his head. 

Remus felt tears well in his eyes for some unbeknownst reason. 

He missed his boy. He wanted him home. He wanted to hold him and tell him he loved him and that it would all be okay. 

It had to be.

*

After dinner, Remus, Sirius, and Harry made their way back out to the street while Ginny quickly excused herself to the loo. 

“Thanks for everything tonight. I don’t know why I was so worried to tell you both.”

“Because it’s a big change and changes are fucking terrifying.” Remus smiled at Harry, reaching over to squeeze his shoulder. “You’re going to be a great dad, Harry. The kid is going to be so lucky to have the both of you.” 

“Yeah, I hope so…I want to make my dad and mum proud.” 

“Oh, kid…” Sirius sighed, throwing his arm around Harry’s shoulder and pulling him into a side hug. “You make them proud everyday. Wherever they are, they’re watching you with a smile on their faces, I promise you.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yes. I’m not certain about a lot of things, but I am certain of that.” 

Harry nodded, smiling down at his feet. 

They were all silent for a few beats before Harry awkwardly cleared his throat, moving so he was standing in front of the both of them. 

“There’s one other thing…”

Oh god. Right when Remus thought they were in the clear. This is it. This is the bad news. This is when everything falls apart. Another kid is—

“Ginny and I talked and we decided we don’t want Teddy around our kid if he’s high.” 

Remus felt his cheeks drain of color and his heart began to pound against his chest. He had wondered how they were going to tell Teddy, or if they had already. He hadn’t reached out to Remus or Sirius, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t reached out to anyone. 

“Okay,” Remus said and both him and Sirius nodded at the same time. 

“If that’s a boundary you both need to set, then I think it’s good.” 

“You don’t think it’s selfish or….or paranoid or something? I love Teddy and I’m so glad he’s getting help, but I’ve also seen him at his worst. I’ve seen him high, I’ve seen him detox, I’ve seen him relapse. He isn’t the same when he’s high. He’s…” 

Mean. Hot-headed. Hostile. Different. Different. Different. 

“I know,” Remus whispered agreeably. “It’s okay, Harry.” 

“I don’t want him to hate me.” 

“He’s not going to hate you.” 

“I just…I want him to be a part of this journey and be a part of my kid’s life but…but not like this. He can’t do it like this.” 

Remus just nodded again but was at a loss of words. There was a part of him that wanted to defend Teddy, to bite Harry’s head off for even bringing up something like this. The bigger, more mature side of him knew it was the best option, though. Teddy needed to get better. He was going to throw his life away if he stayed on the track he was on. He would lose everyone, lose everything, and Remus couldn’t bear to sit back and watch it happen.

*

After a long twenty eight days of no contact, Remus was finally reunited with Teddy.  This was the longest they had ever gone without speaking and Remus was sick with worry as he sat in the plush waiting room chair, eyes glued to the glass door separating him from his son. 

It felt like hours before the door slid open and Teddy walked through. He was dressed in sweats and one of Remus’ sweaters, which he must've stolen and brought with him to college all those months ago. Not even half a year ago and it felt like years that they were all dropping Teddy off. 

 Teddy froze in the doorway and Remus stood up. He stayed still for a few more seconds before rushing forward and crashing into Remus’ chest. He wrapped his arms around Remus, Remus reciprocated the motion immediately. 

He held Teddy tightly in his arms, putting his chin on top of his son’s head. 

“Dad, I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,” Teddy whispered. 

“It’s okay, Teds. I know…I know.” Remus placed a kiss on top of his messy curls. 

“I didn’t mean to put you through that. I’m never going to do it again. I’m so sorry. I’ll go to meetings everyday, two times a day even. I want to prove to you I’m better. I—” 

Remus pulled them apart so he could look into Teddy’s eyes. He cupped both his cheeks. 

“Teddy, it’s okay. I’m glad you’re okay and I’m glad you’re coming home. We can figure out details of meetings when we get back, okay? For now let’s just get you home and settled.” 

Teddy nodded and stood up straighter. Remus reached for his duffel bag, flinging it over his shoulder. 

“Did Sirius come?” 

“Yes, he’s waiting in the car. We didn’t want to overwhelm you.” 

“Harry?” 

“He couldn’t come. He had classes.” 

Harry did try to come, but Sirius talked him down and told him to go to his classes. He could come over in the evening. 

“Okay.” Teddy nodded again. 

Remus threw an arm around Teddy’s shoulder and walked out the front door.
 

*

It was a quiet night once they got home. Harry stopped by and he and Teddy spent most of the evening chatting upstairs by themselves. 

Teddy said he was too tired for dinner and Remus didn’t push the matter. Tonight, he was just glad Teddy was home. Tomorrow they could get back on schedule. 

Remus stayed downstairs finishing up his lesson plans for the following two weeks while Sirius worked in his office finishing up a commission. 

When it eventually hit nine, Remus put his papers together in his folder and made his way up the stairs to say goodnight to Teddy. However, his room was empty when he peeked his head in. Remus would’ve panicked if not for the light shining through the crack in the bathroom door. 

Remus walked over and knocked on the ajar door, waiting until he heard the mumbled ‘come in’ before he pushed it all the way open. 

Inside, Lady was laying on the floor and Teddy was standing in front of the mirror shirtless, dying his hair a fresh shade of green. Remus could see each vertebrae in his spine and all his scars, old and new, were on display. Had he been hurting himself in there? Did they not set protective measures for their residents? And why was he so skinny? Had he always been this way? Why did he still look so sick?

“That’s a nice color.” 

“Mhm, I just used whatever I had in here. My hair turned an awful muck green while I was away.” 

Remus hummed and looked at Lady, who was sound asleep. 

“You’re her favorite.” 

Teddy turned to smile at Remus, shaking his head. 

“How do you know?” 

“Well, she loves us all, but you’re her boy. She follows you everywhere and while you were gone, I found her lying in your room on multiple occasions.” 

“Yeah, well she’s my favorite too.” Teddy turned back to the mirror. “But don’t tell Clem or Pepper that.” 

Remus made an X over his heart, smiling fondly at his son. 

“I’m heading to bed, but I just wanted to check in and make sure you’re feeling alright.” 

“Yeah, feels weird to be back.” Teddy dropped his hands from his hair. “But I know it’s for the best. I’m just glad I don’t have to share a room anymore. My roommate in the clinic snored.” 

“I’m sure you’re used to it from all the nights you spent with Harry.” Remus chuckled. 

“Well sure, but I can choose to sleep elsewhere if he keeps me up. Couldn’t quite choose to sleep on the couch there.” Teddy smiled and paused for a few beats. “Thank you for letting me come back home.” 

“Of course, Bug. This is your home too, you’re always welcome here. I’m just glad to see you feeling better.” Remus reached forward to squeeze Teddy’s shoulder. “If you need to talk about anything, or feel any urges reappearing, please don’t keep it bottled up. Sirius and I are here for you, okay? Judgement free.” 

“Thanks, Dad.” 

“Mhm.” Remus hummed and turned towards the door. “Tomorrow we can figure out details of meetings, okay? For tonight, just enjoy being home.” 

Teddy nodded and looked at his reflection in the mirror again. 

“Love you, kid.” 

“Love you too.”

*

Teddy, as promised, went to meetings every single night. He found himself a sponsor, Kit, who Teddy adored. Kit was an older man who had three kids of his own. Remus and Sirius invited him over for dinner one night, about a month into sponsoring Teddy, just to get a better read on the man. Remus couldn’t have picked a better match though. He was kind, honest, and pushed Teddy in ways he needed to be pushed. 

Although Teddy hadn’t relapsed, to the best of Remus’ knowledge, he had had low days. He had days where he had to go out with Kit and talk until the sun set. He had days where he couldn’t get out of bed. Days where he begged Remus or Sirius to take him to work so he wouldn’t be left alone with his thoughts. Those days were always the hardest for Remus to watch. He felt helpless and didn’t know how to protect Teddy other than to hug him and remind him that it will pass, that days were temporary and he was stronger than the urges in his head. 

For the most part though, Teddy was doing better.

Teddy was laughing more, he was going on runs every morning, he was painting again, he even made some new friends from his support group. There were two other people around Teddy’s age who he hung out with a lot. Though Remus was happy for his new found connections, it hurt his heart to see other young kids in the same situation Teddy’s been in. 

Four months after Teddy’s arrival back home, the topic of moving back out was broached. 

“Dad..” Teddy rapped his knuckles on the bedroom door, where Remus was perched on the edge of his bed sending out a text. 

“Hm?” He set his phone down and looked up. 

“I was wondering if I could talk to you before I left for work.” 

Teddy had gotten a job working as an assistant in an art studio. He helped run classes and had free access to the studio and supplies whenever he wanted. He absolutely loved the art teacher and he had been learning so much during the short time he had been there. 

His art had been improving a lot, too. So much so he had managed to sell a few commissioned pieces, with the help of Sirius’ connections to the art world. Remus couldn’t be more proud of him. 

“What’s going on?” 

Oh god. Here it was. The relapse. He was using. He had to go back to rehab. 

Remus’ heart sped up as he waited for Teddy to speak. 

“I think I’m ready to move out.” 

Remus let out a breath, relief flooding over him. 

“Not think,” Teddy corrected himself. “I know I’m ready to move out.” 

Remus was horrified at the thought of losing Teddy again, but he was a little older and in a much better state than he was when he left for college. He had friends, a stable job he loved, and an amazing sponsor. 

“Oh yeah?” 

“Yeah. I know you’re probably worried and I get that, I do. I’ve been looking at places closer to the studio though, and I’ve found a few that I really like. It’d be nice to not have such a long commute to work, but I also wouldn’t be that far away from here, so I could come home often. I could come back every—” 

“Teddy,” Remus interrupted, pushing himself off the bed. “If you feel you’re ready, then I believe you and I support you.” 

“Really?”

“Yes. I’ve seen such progress from you the last few months and you seem…” Happier? Stable? Sober? Sane? “Better. You seem better.” 

“I am, yeah. I’m…well…I feel better. I’m an addict but…but the urges are less and less and I feel like if things do get out of control again, I have people I can reach out to.” 

Remus gave him a soft smile, pulling Teddy into a hug without warning. 

Teddy let out a huff of air and a chuckle, hugging Remus back. 

“I love you, Teddy. I want you to be happy and if this is what will make you happy, I’ll support you.” 

“I love you. And I meant it when I said I’d visit often.” 

“I expect dinner once a week minimum. If not for my sake than for Lady’s sake. She can’t go that long without seeing you.” Remus placed a kiss to the top of Teddy’s head. 

“Deal.” 

Notes:

oh good,,, a happy ending for once! I sure hope nothing horrible happens in the next chapter

Chapter 9: baby

Summary:

hi babies, I am back!!!!

Just being super transparent, I got in my head about this fic and felt like it was all so repetitive and that people wouldn't enjoy it. This fic is going places, but it feels repetitive because I'm writing in the perspective of a family member of an addict and not the addict himself! I tried to think if I could add some Teddy POV chapters, but it doesn't fit anywhere. So, I hope y'all are still enjoying this and THANK YOU FOR STICKING AROUND!!!

I recently started "tweak" which is the sister book to "beautiful boy" and it's soooo so good, highly recommend!

Anyway, without further ado: chapter 9

“I feel weird.” Sirius fiddled with the buttons on his shirt as Remus pulled his knitted vest over his white button up. 

“Why?” 

“I feel old.” 

“You are old.” 

Sirius flipped around and stuck up two fingers at Remus, rolling his eyes playfully.

Remus walked over to him and wrapped his arms around his partner, resting his chin in the crook of Sirius’ neck. 

“Life just moves so fast.” 

“I know, love.” 

“Our baby is having a baby.” Sirius chuckled, as if it was the most unbelievable statement he had ever said. 

“Not for a few more months,” Remus supplied unhelpfully, kissing the sensitive skin under Sirius’ skin. 

“Hey, none of that.” Sirius flipped around and swatted Remus away. “We don’t have time.” 

Remus groaned and reluctantly dropped his arms away from Sirius, both their cheeks a lovely shade of pink. 

“I believe we should always have time.” 

“In a perfect world.” Sirius smiled and ran a hand through his freshly washed hair, fluffing it up just enough to give it some volume but not enough to make it messy. 

“I just feel old,” Sirius whined again after a minute, plopping himself down on the edge of their bed. “I feel…I don’t know. Everyone around us is having such big changes and I feel like the world is going too fast. I…I’m scared I’m going to miss out on something. I don’t want to waste my days away doing the same thing over and over and over again.” 

Remus sat down on the bed next to Sirius, setting a hand on his partner’s knee. 

“I know. I get it. I feel the same way. Sometimes I forget we’re not still twenty and it sends me into a bit of a spiral, too.” 

“We should do something exciting.” Sirius smiled. “Like…go bungee jumping or something. Prove we’re still young and exciting and not rotting away with our boring jobs.” 

“Hey, neither of our jobs are boring. We both lucked out.” Remus smiled back and Sirius shushed him, waving a hand. 

“You know what I mean,” Sirius whined, turning to face Remus properly. “We should…I don’t know! We should—” 

“We should get married.” 

That shut Sirius up. He looked at Remus with wide eyes, most likely trying to assess if he was being serious or not. 

“What are you on about?” 

“We should get married.” 

“You don’t want to get married again, you told me years ago.” 

“Yeah, that was years ago.” Remus grabbed onto Sirius’ hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “But, you’re the love of my life and I think it would be nice to make it all official.” Remus smiled. “At least for the great benefits we’d get,” he teased. 

“Shut up.” The flush returned to Sirius’ face. 

“We don’t have to have some big fancy wedding. We can just go down to the courthouse and get married, shop for some rings, order in pizza after. It can just be for us.” 

Sirius remained silent, though he didn’t look opposed to the idea. 

Remus slid off the bed and got down on one knee, despite his achy joints. He’d do anything for Sirius. He’d suffer any amount of pain. 

He reached forward to clasp both of Sirius’ hands in his own. 

“Sirius Black, love of my life, father to our two beautiful boys, amazing artist, perfect hair, great in bed—” Remus paused and Sirius laughed. “Will you do me the absolute honor of marrying me?” 

“This is insane.” Sirius laughed and slid off the bed, kneeling down in front of Remus. “You’re insane and I love you.” He leaned forward, cupping both of Remus’ cheeks. “Yes, of course I’ll marry you.” 

*

In the end, they were late to the baby shower. After the proposal they kissed, and kissed, and kissed and soon enough clothes were being shed, hair was getting messed up, and both boys were falling apart under each other’s hands and mouths. 

Thirty minutes late wouldn’t be the end of the world, he assumed no one would even notice. 

The house was full of life when they entered, music playing throughout the rooms and laughter filling every corner. 

“God, they know a lot of people.” 

Sirius laughed and squeezed Remus’ hand. “Half of these are just Weasley spawns and their partners.” 

“Mm…” Remus glanced around the room to see a lot of red hair. 

“Remus! Sirius!” Marlene called from the kitchen, a glass of champagne in her hands. Her cheeks were flushed, a sign she was already a few glasses in. It wasn’t exactly the scene to get tipsy, but there were so many people here that he assumed Ginny and Harry wouldn’t even notice. 

“Hey,” Remus greeted her, Mary, and Dorcas with a quick side hug. Sirius did his quick rounds of greetings, reaching forward to grab a glass for him and Remus. 

“Thought you two were never going to show up.” 

“It’d be a bit of an arse move to not show up for our son’s baby shower, no?” 

“Well, you are very late,” Marlene pointed out, a smirk on her face. 

“Thirty minutes is hardly late. We got caught up in something, lost track of time.” 

Marlene reached forward and yanked Sirius’ hair to the side, revealing a dark bruise forming behind his left ear. 

“Something, yeah.” 

Sirius batted her away and re-adjusted his hair. 

“God, you’re so nosy, McKinnon.” 

“Can’t help it. I know you too well, Black.” 

Remus grabbed a glass from Sirius’ hand and took a few sips. 

“We have quite an exciting announcement actually,” Remus said. They had agreed to not make a big scene out of it, not wanting to steal any spotlight away from Harry and Ginny today.

“Oh?” Dorcas raised a brow and Mary leaned forward against the counter, a smile on her lips.     

“Are you having a kid?” Marlene asked, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet.

"God, no,” Sirius scoffed, which pulled a laugh out of Remus.

“Wow, sound less excited next time.” Remus teasingly pinched his fiancé’s side. 

“Oh please, like raising a new child wouldn’t send you into an early grave, Mr. I-finally-enjoy-peace-and-quiet-now-that-my-kids-are-out-of-the-house.” 

“Yeah, but—” 

“Please, get on with it! You two argue like an old married couple,” Mary butt in, rolling her eyes. 

Sirius grinned widely at this and shot his hand up, showing the girls a ring he didn’t currently have. 

“What am I looking at here?” Dorcas leaned in closer, squinting her eyes. 

“A soon to be wedding ring.” 

“What?!” Marlene squealed, her bouncing intensifying. 

“We got engaged.” Remus smiled, taking another sip of his drink. “A little bit of an impulsive decision but—” “

“A little?!” Mary shook her head but had a wide smile on her lips. 

“Right, a lot of bit.” Remus shrugged. “But we’re doing it anyway. That’s why we were late, had to celebrate.” 

Sirius’ pale cheeks flushed quickly and he brought his drink to his lips, smiling against the glass. 

“Well, we’re going to celebrate again later!” Marlene whooped, a few heads in the room turning to look in their direction. “Let’s go get drinks after this, yeah? My treat.” 

“Yeah, alright,” Sirius confirmed and Remus nodded. He could use a nice night out with friends. 

“Speaking of celebrating, are our children here anywhere? Teddy was going to come meet us at home but he got held up at work.” 

“Yes.” Mary nodded, flipping around to point to the back garden where a huddle of people were laughing. In the mix was Harry and Ginny, Teddy nowhere to be seen. “Saw Teddy earlier when I got here.” 

“Good.” Remus’ shoulders relaxed. He wondered when the stress of Teddy potentially relapsing would go away. Was he going to live the rest of his life in fear? 

“Oh my god!” Dorcas gasped, startling Remus out of his thoughts. “I forgot to tell you both. I had this customer come in earlier and he left me the most bizarre note—” She paused and grabbed her wallet out of her bag. “Let me just show you.” She paused when she opened up her wallet. 

“What?” Sirius asked, scanning her face and matching her confused glance. 

“Oh uh…” Mary chuckled and shrugged. “I swear I had cash in here.” 

Remus’ heart sank. He had been here before. He had witnessed money going missing. He never told Sirius about his money going missing all those years ago and he didn’t want to tell him about his worries now. 

“Did you drop it?” Marlene walked closer to Dorcas, looking into her wallet. 

“Yeah, must’ve. I’m sure it fell out in the car or something. I was in such a rush to get here.” She pulled a folded note from her wallet. “Anyway—“ 

Remus never heard the joke or saw the note. His ears rang as he looked around the room, his eyes finally finding his son. Teddy was sitting on the edge of an armchair next to Charlie Weasley, both boys laughing deeply about something. 

He looked okay. He was acting normal. He wasn’t agitated like he usually was when he was high and he didn’t look pale or shaky. He loved his job, he was making friends, he was going to meetings. Why would he steal money? Was there any evidence that it was even him? Was Remus spiraling? Of course he was. It couldn’t have been a coincidence that—

“Rem?” 

“Hm?” 

“I asked if you wanted to go say hi to Harry and Ginny.” 

“Oh uh…” Remus cleared his throat and nodded, forcing a small smile on his face. “Yeah, yes. Let’s go.” 

“What’s wrong?” Sirius' voice was softer and he leaned in closer to Remus. 

“Nothing.” 

“Are you sure? You seem—” 

“It’s nothing, Sirius.” He leaned over and placed a kiss to the top of Sirius’ head. “C’mon, let’s go say hi.” 

*

“What’s up with you?” Sirius walked out of their bathroom, toweling off his freshly washed hair. 

Remus, who was already showered and in bed, looked over to his partner with a brow raise. “Hm?” 

“You’re being weird.” 

“Just because I didn’t want to shower together doesn’t mean—” 

Sirius waved him off, tossing his towel on the back of the chair. 

“I’m not talking about that. You know I don’t care about that.” He walked over to the bed, clad in nothing but boxers. Remus leaned over to kiss his cheek, his skin still warm from the shower. 

“I’m fine, love.” 

Sirius let out a groan, shaking his head. He moved his body over so he was straddling Remus’ lap, reaching his hands forward to cup both of his cheeks. 

“You’re killing me, Lupin, and you’re a bad liar.” 

“I’m not a bad liar.” Remus scoffed, though there was a smile forming on his lips.

“Maybe not to others, but to me you are. I know you too well. Spent nearly half our lives together.” 

“God, don’t say that. You make us sound ancient.” 

“Don’t change the subject.” 

“But you’re so easy to distract,” Remus mumbled, placing his hands on Sirius’ hips. He let his thumbs dip below the waist band, giving Sirius a gentle squeeze. 

Sirius kept a straight face and squished Remus’ cheeks, moving his head between his hands back and forth. “No.” 

Remus kept his hands on his hips, but didn’t tease any further. 

“Please tell me.” 

“Fine.” Remus' lips were squished together, so his words were jumbled. “Let go.” 

Sirius obliged and dropped his hands, rolling off Remus. 

“Hey! I didn’t say you needed to move.” Remus went to reach over, but Sirius swatted him away. 

“After.” 

“Fine.” Remus sighed and lent his head against the bed frame. “I think Teddy stole Mary’s money.” 

“What? Why?” 

“He…okay, listen. It seems ridiculous, but when he ran away, he had stolen money from my wallet. I never told you at the time because we had other things to worry about and there was a small part of me that was thankful he at least had money so he could buy food.” Remus knew the money went to drugs, but he liked to tell himself it was for food. “Then Mary said her money randomly disappeared and I looked over to Teddy and…I don’t know. I just got a weird sinking suspicion?” 

“You think he’s using again?” 

“It’s not a wild accusation, is it? I mean…relapses are common, especially for someone who hasn’t been sober that long.” 

“Was he acting any differently? I didn’t spend a lot of time with him tonight, I was caught up with everything else.” 

“I didn’t either. He seemed to always be talking to someone else.” Remus paused for a moment, muttering the next words softer. “What if it’s because he knows we’ll catch on to him being high? We know the signs better than anyone else.” Remus was beginning to sound a bit crazy, but Teddy made him this way. It led Remus into mild insanity with all the “what ifs”. 

To his astonishment, Sirius didn’t argue. He didn’t call Remus crazy or paranoid. Instead, he looked sad. He chewed on his lower lip and let out a slow, deep breath. “What do we do?” 

“I don’t know…” 

“Do we wait for it to spiral again or confront him?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Should we reach out to Kit? See if he has any advice?” 

“Is that allowed? I mean…he’s Teddy’s sponsor, not our therapist.” 

Sirius was silent again, leaning to the side and flopping his head onto Remus’ shoulder. 

“I don’t know,” Sirius mumbled, stealing Remus’ line. 

*

Teddy, for the most part, seemed okay. He came to dinner that week, as he had every week since moving out. He ate his normal amount, laughed like normal, talked like normal, looked normal. Remus was vigilant, looking for any signs that he may be using again, but either Teddy was sober or he was a damn good actor. 

Remus began to gather up their dinner plates as Teddy stood up. 

“Listen, I should probably go.” 

“Go? You just got here?” Remus set the plate down and looked across the table at his son. 

“Yeah, yeah. I made plans with some friends tonight, I don’t want to be late.” 

“With who?” 

“What?” 

“Who are you hanging out with?” 

Teddy crossed his arms defensively, shaking his head at Remus. It was just like how it was when he was younger. Remus, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, lost the right to know this information. Teddy didn’t live under his roof anymore, he didn’t have to tell him where he was going. 

“Why does it matter?”

“It doesn’t,” Remus said, his heart pounding against his chest. “I just—” 

“What? You just what? You think I’m using again? Think I’m lying?” 

There it was. The anger. The anger that only came out when Teddy was high. The cruelty that the drugs turned him towards. 

Remus took in a slow deep breath, sending a quick glance to Sirius. He wondered if Sirius noticed it too. 

“Teddy, c’mon. I didn’t say—” 

“You never say it, Dad! You—” Teddy kicked his chair in and began to make his way out of the kitchen. “You never fucking believe me! Every time I want to do something you deem as odd, I get accused of being high.” 

Remus followed him out, Sirius close behind. 

“That’s not fair, Ted. I'm just worried. You can’t blame me for being worried.” 

“You don’t trust me!” 

Remus didn’t know what snapped. He didn’t know what finally caused the break. He was so good at keeping it together, but right now, right now he was angry. 

“You know what? No! No, I don't trust you!” 

Teddy just stared at him with widened eyes. His jaw tensed and his glare was so sharp it could cut Remus like a knife. 

“Are you high?” 

“Are you insane?” 

“Are you high!?” Remus asked again. 

“No, I’m not fucking high!” Teddy shouted back. “I’m not high, Dad!” 

Before Remus could say anything else, Teddy flipped around and stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind him. 

The silence in the room was deafening. 

“Hey…c’mon, let’s—” Sirius reached forward to gently grab Remus’ arm, but Remus shrugged him off. 

He pushed past Sirius and, like Teddy, stormed out the front door. He couldn’t stand to be in this house any longer. 

*

“You haven’t heard from him?” Remus had his phone pressed between his ear and his shoulder, using his hands to fill out the board for the day. 

“No. He was supposed to come round ours last night, but he never showed up. I texted him a bunch, but I think his phone is turned off. He stopped sharing his location with me months ago.” 

“Okay.” Remus let out a sigh, dropping the marker back into the dish and making his way to his desk. He grabbed his phone and held it properly to his ear, his head pounding with a headache that’s been with him since the night of the fight. 

“What should we do?” Harry asked. 

“We can’t do anything, Haz. We have to just hope he’s okay and that, when he’s ready, he’ll reach out to us.” 

“So you think he’s using again?” 

“Yes.” The uncertainty Remus felt a few days ago was gone. After his suspicions from the baby shower, the confirmation from Teddy’s actions at dinner, and now this, Remus knew it was a relapse. “I think he’s been using for awhile.” 

“How do you know?” 

“I just do.” 

Harry was silent for a long time and Remus felt horrible for having to be the one to break the news like this. 

“When did you see him last?”

“He was over for dinner three nights ago. I haven’t heard from him since, though.”

“I heard from him two nights ago so…so I guess that’s good, right? He…I mean, if he’s missing, he’s only been gone for at most two days.” 

None of it was good, Remus wanted to say. He didn’t though, he bit his tongue and nodded his head. 

“Yeah, Haz. That’s good news.” 

The door to the class opened, followed by two of his students and their parents. 

“I have to go, but I’ll talk to you after class, okay? You and Ginny are welcome to come by for dinner tonight if you want. Sirius and I were going to order in.” 

“Yeah, alright. I’ll see how she’s feeling.” 

“Okay, love you, Haz.” 

“Love you, too.” 

Remus hung up the phone and pushed himself up off his chair, plastering on his teacher smile. 

“Good morning,” he greeted, pushing the rest of his worries down down down. 

*

Remus startled awake to the sound of his phone ringing. He glanced at the clock, the time showing 2:04am. He reached blindly for his phone, not bothering to look at the caller ID. Part of him feared he’d answer to a panicked Harry saying Ginny had gone into labor early, but what he got was so much worse. 

“Hello?” Remus asked groggily. 

“Dad?” Teddy’s broken voice came through the phone and Remus’ heart sank to the pits of his stomach. “Dad. I’m so sorry. Please h-help. I need help.” 

Remus was up and out of bed before the last words even left his son’s mouth. 

*

He drove around for a long time in the dark before he finally located Teddy, who didn’t have the coherency to give him a proper address. 

The rain was pouring down as Remus put the car into the park, but he didn’t bother with an umbrella. He rushed out of the door and ran to the alleyway where Teddy was curled up and crumpled on the ground. 

The boy looked up as Remus approached, his eyes bloodshot from crying and his lips the same shade of purple they were when he used to eat grape ice lollies as a kid. 

“Dad?”

“Shh…shh, I’m here, bug. I’m here.” Remus whispered and began to shrug off his coat, wrapping it around Teddy’s shaking and soaking wet body. “C’mon, can you stand?” 

Teddy nodded and clung on to Remus until they were both on their feet again. Remus wrapped his arm around Teddy and carried most of his weight back to the car, depositing his son into the front seat. 

He rushed around to the driver's side and slammed his door shut. He ignited the car and reached forward to blast the heat. 

“I’m s-sorry, Dad.” Teddy cried, curling in on himself. He looked smaller than ever, his clothes baggy and soaked to his frame. 

“I know,” Remus whispered. “I know.” 

They drove home in silence, nothing but the sounds of rain and Teddy’s tears filling the car. He wasn’t sure what Teddy was on, but whatever it was was clearly leaving his system. He was on the edge of withdrawal and, as much as Remus didn’t want to bear witness to it, he was glad Teddy was safe at home to go through this again. 

He helped Teddy into the house, practically carrying him into the kitchen and carefully depositing him onto the chair. He sat there shivering, Remus’ coat soaked through with rain water, too. 

“Where are your things?” It was the first time Remus noticed Teddy didn’t even have a bag on him. He had nothing but the clothes on his back. 

Teddy just shrugged, sinking down into the chair. 

Remus nodded and went to heat the kettle up. As he waited, he turned and leaned against the edge of the stove. Remus stared across the room and didn't recognize the kid sitting at his kitchen table. His curls flat and his eyes sunken in, skin pale and clammy. That was not his boy.

“Teddy, what did you take?” 

Teddy didn’t look up. Didn’t say a word. Just sat there shivering, tears beginning to drip down his cheeks again. Whatever it was, it was worse than last time. So much worse. He had never seen Teddy in a state like this. 

“Teddy, you—” 

Before Remus could get the words out, hurried steps came down the stairs and Sirius appeared in the kitchen, looking around at the scene worriedly. 

“Holy shit.” He fell to his knees in front of Teddy, reaching up to cup both of his cheeks. “Holy shit,” he whispered again. “Teddy, where have you been?” 

Teddy shook his head, leaning into Sirius’ touch. Sirius looked over at Remus with wide eyes, Remus minutely shaking his head. 

“Okay…” Sirius mumbled, and dropped his hands. “Teddy, let’s get you cleaned up. C’mon…” 

“Can’t…”

“You can.” 

Teddy shook his head, his head lolling slightly to the side. Remus actually believed he couldn’t. He could hardly stand on his own. 

“I’ll help you. I’ll run you a bath.”

“N-no,” Teddy cried. 

“Teddy, c’mon. I can—” 

“Dad. I…I want Dad.” 

Sirius froze and looked over to Remus, who immediately abandoned the kettle on the stove and rushed to Teddy’s side. 

“Okay. I can help you, that’s okay.” 

“Okay,” Teddy finally agreed and, with the help of both Remus and Sirius, got himself up from the chair and up the stairs to his bathroom. 

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Sirius whispered once Teddy was safely on the closed toilet seat. “I’ll go finish tea and get you some warm clothes, okay?” 

Teddy nodded, mumbled something that sounded like “thank you”, and Sirius kissed the top of his wet curls. 

Remus turned the bath on, running his hand under the stream to make sure the temperature would be okay. 

He helped Teddy get undressed and, once the tub was full, helped him step inside. Teddy sunk down into the porcelain tub, his knees coming to his chest and poking up above the water. 

Though Remus wouldn’t say it out loud, Teddy wreaked. He smelt of smoke and piss and muddy earth. Remus wondered if he had taken a shower since he was last here a week ago. By the looks of it, he hadn’t and he figured he had hardly had a meal to eat either. His curled body highlighted his protruding spine, each ridge sticking through his pale skin. Remus had to avert his eyes as he helped bath his son. 

“Close your eyes,” he whispered as he filled a cup with water and carefully rinsed the shampoo out of Teddy’s hair. Green hair dye dripped down his face, making the tub a murky color. 

They were both silent as Remus finished, doing his best to clean Teddy. Given his pose, it was hard to get every part of him, but this would do for now. 

At some point, Sirius had quietly snuck in and set a pair of folded pajamas and a hot cup of tea on the bathroom counter, though he didn’t stay. Teddy was clear that he wanted Remus and, as much as Remus assumed it hurt Sirius, they couldn’t push against his wishes. 

Remus helped Teddy out of the tub and wrapped him in a clean, fluffy towel. 

“Do you need help getting dressed?” 

Teddy, looking shameful, nodded his head and Remus got to work helping to dry him off and get him into clean clothes. He’d have to wash his soiled clothes later, but for now he left them crumpled on the bathroom floor as he helped lead Teddy back to his bedroom. A room that had been abandoned far too long. He hadn’t stayed the night in weeks, and he hardly had any belongings here. Even the pajamas weren’t his. It was a pair of Sirius’ joggers and one of Remus’ old band t-shirts. 

Remus led him to the bed and tucked him in, just like he had every night when he was younger. He half expected Teddy to beg for a story, but Teddy was not his little boy. He was a stranger laying in his son’s bed. 

Amidst the chaos of the night, both dogs had woken up and Lady found her way into Teddy’s room, ecstatic to him home. She trotted around the room a few times and eventually jumped up on the bed, her tail thumping happily against the wall. She went down to lick Teddy’s face, the boy groaning and pushing her away. 

“Get off,” Teddy whispered and, when Lady continued, he pushed harder. “Leave me the fuck alone!” He shouted at the dog, which is when Remus jumped in. 

“Hey…c’mere, Lady.” Remus patted his leg and Lady jumped down. He led her out of the room and shut the door behind him so she couldn’t return. “You can’t take your anger out on her, she doesn’t know.” 

Teddy's body was shaking and, with a horrified realization, he realised Teddy was sobbing again. 

“I know, I’m s-sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

“Teds…” Remus sighed and walked over, carefully kneeling on the floor and reaching a hand forward to brush his clean, wet curls away from his forehead. He needed a haircut and a shave. “Shh..” 

“I’m so f-fucking sorry, I’m s-sorry,” He cried and Remus knew this lie. He had heard it a million times before and, as much as he wanted to believe it, he couldn’t. If Teddy was truly sorry, he wouldn’t have left again. He would’ve stayed sober. He wouldn’t keep putting himself and everyone around him through this whirlwind. 

“I need to know what you took.” 

“I c-can’t tell you.” 

“You have to. I found you looking dead in an alleyway after disappearing for a week. You’re sick, Teddy. I need to know what we’re dealing with. It’s not just pills, is it?” 

Teddy shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut. As if to make himself even smaller, he curled his legs into his chest. 

Remus had already looked at his arms for track marks and, luckily, didn’t see any, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t using hard drugs. There were other ways to take them. 

After what felt like an eternity, Teddy finally spoke. 

“Meth.” 

Remus felt his breath catch in his throat and he bit on his lips to stop the sound escaping his lips. 

Meth. His baby was on meth. 

“Is this the first time you took it?” Anger would get them anywhere right now. 

“No.” 

“How long?” 

“Long enough.” 

“Okay,” Remus whispered. He felt sick to his stomach and he pulled his hand away from Teddy’s face. He couldn’t look at him right now. “Okay. We’ll talk about this in the morning, you need to sleep.” 

“Can you stay with me?” 

“Oh, Teddy. I don’t think—” 

“Please. Please, Dad. I need you, I’m sorry.” Teddy finally opened his eyes and looked up at Remus, and how could he say no to that?

“Okay,” Remus eventually agreed. “Let me talk to Sirius, I’ll be back in a second, okay?” 

“Do you promise you’ll come back?” 

“Yes, Bug. I promise I’ll come back. I always do, don’t I?” 

Teddy nodded and with one final glance, Remus left the room.

*

“Can you still pick me up after my meeting today?” 

“Yes.” Remus was writing a few things on the board, the morning class about to begin. 

Teddy had been home for a few weeks now and, to the best of his knowledge, has been sober. After a horrible detox, Teddy had agreed to see his sponsor again and go to meetings. He ended up moving back into his apartment, despite Remus’ slight begging for him to just move back home. He seemed okay, but Remus went to bed every night fearing his son was snorting meth in some strangers' bathroom. He woke up frequently in the middle of the night, expecting to receive another call from Teddy that he was hurt and lost in some alleyway again. 

Sirius had suggested he go to therapy, to talk to someone who was trained in the field, but Remus didn’t want to go. He felt hypocritical, because he expected Teddy to get help but didn’t want to get help himself. 

He was slightly bitter towards Sirius, too, who seemed to not be impacted the same ways he was. Sirius wasn’t waking up from nightmares almost night, he wasn’t having breakdowns in the car, he wasn’t imagining their son laying dead somewhere. It wasn’t a fair accusation, as Sirius processed his fears in his own ways, but Remus still felt bitter. Envious, even. 

He realized now, this is how Sirius felt all those years with Regulus. Would the pain continue until one day they finally get the call that Teddy was found dead? Would it even stop then? 

“Dad?”

“Hm?” 

“I said I’m leaving. I’m going to go hang out with Kit and then he’ll drive me to my meeting.” 

“Okay,” Remus said, setting down the pen. “I’ll see you tonight. Are you still staying for dinner?” 

“Mhm!” Teddy smiled and hopped off the top of the desk he was sitting on. “I’ll see you later. Love you!” 

“Love you too, Teds.” 

On his way out, Teddy held open the door for his first student of the day. He muttered a small hello before exiting the classroom. Remus watched him go before plastering a smile on his face and greeting his student. 

“Hi, Theo. Welcome in.” 

“Hi, Mr. Lupin! Look! I got a new backpack!” He spun around to show Remus. The bag was bright blue with ocean animals all over. In the middle was a sea turtle waving with his flipper. Remus’ heart sank as he took in the familiar pattern. Teddy had that same bag growing up. He wore it proudly, a gift from Tonks during one of his summers away. He greeted Remus at the airport with a huge grin and flipped around to show his bag, the same way Theo did. 

“Do you like it?” Theo turned back around and Remus nodded, his eyes filling with tears. 

“I love it,” Remus replied, blinking a few times. “If you’ll excuse me, I have to run down to the front office quickly to grab something. I’ll be right back.” He said to Theo’s mother, who waved him off with a smile. 

Once he was in the hall, he let the tears spill down his cheeks. 

*

Remus heard his phone buzz against the wooden table top, but ignored it. If he looked at his phone now, he’d never get his work done. It was Friday afternoon, the last before summer holidays, and he was doing some final work to wrap up the year. He had been invited back for next year to teach and Remus happily accepted. He had been worried at first that working with little kids wouldn’t be for him, but now he couldn’t imagine a better place to be.

His phone buzzed again and, with a grown, he gave in and flipped it over to see Sirius’ face pop up on his screen. 

“Hello?” 

“Finally! I’ve been texting you like crazy.” 

“I know, sorry. I’m just finishing up here and then I was going to pick us up something for dinner. How does Indian—” 

“Ginny’s in labor!”

“What?!” 

“Yeah, Harry called me a little while ago! She’s only five centimeters dilated right now, but apparently all the Weasley’s were fast births so she’s sort of freaking out.” 

“Oh god, okay,” Remus said, a huge smile on his face. “Right, I’ll pack up my things right now and meet you at the hospital. Are you there yet?” 

“I’m on my way, about five minutes away. I came right from the studio.” 

“Okay, I’ll see you soon, then.” 

“Alright, I love you.” 

Before Sirius could hang up, Remus got in one final word. 

“Sirius, we’re about to be grandparents.” He grinned, standing up and gathering his things. 

“Fucking mental.” 

“I love you,” Remus said, hanging up the phone. 

*

He made it to the hospital within thirty minutes, rushing into the waiting room to be greeted by a sea of red hair. Remus spotted Sirius pacing by the coffee machine, his hair pulled back in messy plaits, his clothes covered in paint, and a few smudges of what looked like charcoal on his cheek. 

His face lit up when he noticed Remus and he rushed over, throwing his arms around the other man. 

“I can’t believe this is happening,” Sirius mumbled into Remus’ neck. 

Remus squeezed him back tightly, kissing the top of his head. “Me neither.” He kissed Sirius again before pulling back. He licked the top of his thumb and smudged it across Sirius’ cheek to try and get the charcoal off. “How’re they?” 

“Good, yeah, last I checked. Harry came out a few minutes ago to greet us all, but he went back quickly. I don’t know who’s more worried, him or Ginny.” 

“Oh, I’m sure him. He’s a worrier.” Remus smiled, slinging an arm around Sirius. 

“This whole scene reminds me so much of James and Lily on the day Harry was born. James was pacing around so much and stressing Lils out that she made him go take a few laps around the hospital.” 

Remus chuckled at this, picturing it all so clearly in his head. Though he never knew them, Sirius always told the most vivid stories about their time together. 

“All worked out in the end though, hm?” Sirius hummed, leaning into Remus’ side. 

“It did and now we’re here. Their baby having a baby,” Remus whispered. “They’d be so proud.” 

Sirius nodded and exhaled slowly. “It’s hard not having them here. I wouldn’t ever bring this up to Harry, but…it’s been hard. Ever since I got the call, all I could imagine was James freaking out and Lily crying over her soon to be grandchild. They should’ve been here…” 

Remus tightened his grip on Sirius, chewing on his lower lip. “They should’ve, but Harry is so lucky to have you here instead. You’ve given him a wonderful life.” 

“You have, too. He’s just as much my kid as yours,” Sirius replied, leaning up to kiss the underside of Remus’ jaw. “I’m glad we could both be here for him.” 

Remus nodded and looked around the room full of Weasley’s. Ginny came from such a huge family and Harry only had them. Two parents and a brother. Remus wondered if he ever felt lonely over it, or if he found family in the Weasley’s. 

Though small, Harry’s life never lacked love, that was for sure. 

“Where’s Teddy?” 

“He’s at work. He was going to call Kit and try to get off early. His shift ends at seven, if not.” 

Teddy had been offered a reception position at Kit’s wife’s hair salon. The pay wasn’t amazing, but it gave him something to do and stay sober. He liked the job well enough and he always told Remus and Sirius the most ridiculous stories about clients he helped. Kit was happy to set him up with the position, too. He wanted to see Teddy sober just as badly as Remus did. 

“Shall we sit? We may have a long night ahead of us.” 

“Yes,” Sirius responded and led them both to two empty chairs by the rest of the Weasley gang.

*

At 8:09pm on June 15^th, James Sirius Potter was born at a healthy weight and had a head full of thick, black hair. According to Sirius, Harry had been the same. James’ skin was lighter than Harry, but not as pale as Ginny. He had her eyes, but the rest was all Harry. 

Sirius cried when they brought him in and told him the name of their baby. The gender was a surprise until the baby came out, but they had names pre-picked for a boy or a girl. Though Sirius didn’t care either way, he was secretly rooting for a little boy. 

The name came as a surprise and Sirius quietly cried into Remus’ side as he held the newborn. 

“He’s gorgeous,” Sirius whispered, reaching a finger forward and gently stroking James’ cheek. “And the name is perfect.” 

“I think my Dad would’ve approved,” Harry answered, a smile on his face. He was sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, holding onto Ginny’s hand. 

“Oh, he would’ve loved it. Grandpa James to baby James…god, I can’t even imagine it.” 

James let out a small whine and Sirius took that as his cue to hand the baby back over to Ginny, who cradled him gently against her chest. 

Remus watched the whole scene in awe, still in disbelief that Harry was now a father. 

“Is Teddy here? I want him to meet James.” 

“He’s in the lobby, he didn’t want to overwhelm you.” 

“Idiot,” Harry grumbled and Remus smirked. “Of course I want him in here.” 

“I’ll go grab him then,” Remus said and kissed the side of Sirius’ head before heading out. 

His perfect family. 

*

After the baby was born, Teddy was hardly present. He was still going to work and that’s why he was too busy to visit, but the salon stayed open till six on weekdays and seven on weekends. His shifts didn’t start until midday and he didn’t work seven days a week. 

Apparently, he was too busy to come around though. Whenever Remus would invite him over for dinner, he had an excuse. He thought he’d at least be visiting Harry, Ginny, and James, but according to Harry, he’s only stopped by three times in the past two months. 

Remus tried not to worry, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t imagine a perfect summer coming to an end by a relapse. Things had been going so well. 

Sirius and him didn’t talk about it, but it was on the forefront of both of their minds. Remus was scared that if they'd talk, then it would become real. Right now, it was imaginary. There was no evidence that Teddy was using again. Once it’s spoken out loud, then it’s real. 

Remus was walking down the cereal aisle when things began to feel very real. He went to grab a box of Sirius’ cereal when his eyes caught on a cereal he used to buy for Teddy when he was little. It was a cereal that always turned his milk rainbow color and Teddy would find it magical every morning he had it. It made him smile, his missing front tooth showing. 

Remus could picture his little face so vividly, the way milk dripped down his chin as he talked happily about his day with his mouth full. He was so little, so optimistic. At the time, his biggest worry was if he would get to go first on the swings at recess, and now he was off somewhere most likely doing drugs. 

No one had seen him in weeks, but he still sent texts to check in, to allude everyone into thinking he was fine. 

Remus felt his eyes fill with tears and he slowly knelt down, flipping around so his back was against the cereal wall. He pulled his knees into his chest and sobbed. Sobbed for the little boy who was struggling alone somewhere, and sobbed for himself who had to watch that little boy suffer. 

*

Three nights later the dam between Remus and Sirius broke and things came flooding down. 

“I told you, I don’t want to talk about,” Sirius said, noisily putting leftovers in the fridge. 

“We have to talk about it!” Remus shouted, the soapy bowl he was holding slipping out of his hands and landing into the sink with a loud thud. He shut off the water and flipped around. “You never want to talk about it, but it’s happening!” 

“I know it’s happening! Don’t you think I fucking know? He’s my kid, too! It’s all I ever fucking think about.” 

“Really? ‘Cus you do a damn good job at not showing it!”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” 

“I just—” Remus threw his hands up. “I feel like I’m always the one making the calls, I’m the one waking up with the nightmares, I’m the one picking up the pieces.” 

“Oh, don’t give me that shit, Remus. You know that’s an insane accusation.” 

“Is it?!” 

“Yes! Are you saying I don’t care about Teddy? That, because I don’t wake up with nightmares, I love him less?!” 

Remus didn’t say anything, causing Sirius to step closer. “And I let you do everything because you’ll bite my head off if you don’t! If you can’t control everything, then you’re afraid I’ll mess it up and forget to call someone, or forget to look somewhere!” 

“That’s not true.” 

“Isn’t it?” Sirius crossed his arms over his chest and both men stayed glaring at each other. 

He was right, to an extent. Remus felt crazy when Teddy was gone, the only way he felt under control is if he could control everything. It was a horrible accusation to throw Sirius’ way, and he knew the man loved Teddy more than anything. 

Remus was just tired. He was tired of this, tired of not sleeping, tired of worrying. Tired. Now Teddy’s addiction was coming between them, something Remus feared would happen eventually. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” Remus eventually murmured. “I’m overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do.” 

Sirius let out a slow breath. “I know, sweetheart. I’m terrified too…” 

“What if this lasts forever?” Remus whispered, tears filling his eyes. “I can’t do this forever, Sirius. I can’t, I won’t.” 

“It won’t last forever.” 

“How do you know that?” 

Sirius didn’t answer, which was answer enough. 

Tears dripped down Remus’ face and Sirius came up to him, holding him in his arms.  

“I know you love him, that was a rotten thing for me to say. You love him so much.” 

“I do. I love him and I want him home safe, just like you.” Sirius kissed the top of Remus’ head. “I may not wake up with nightmares, but it still haunts me everyday. He’s always on my mind and I feel so useless. I wish there was more I could do to help him, more we both could do.” 

“We can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.” Remus whispered and Sirius squeezed him tighter. “Teddy needs to want to get better, and right now, he doesn’t.” 

Sirius nodded his head as tears dripped down his face, too.

Notes:

:3 let's hope it doesn't take two months for the next chapter lol, but we'll see

also you guys I fully lost track of time, so if for some reason the timeline doesn't make sense, just ignore it lol!!

Chapter 10: back again

Summary:

this is one of my fav chapters I've written? also I've seen a few people talking about this fic on TT and it makes me giggle every time <33 thank you for all the love

“Get up.” Remus reached down and yanked the covers off of Teddy’s curled up body. 

Teddy had spent the last few weeks coming and going as he pleased, sometimes staying the night with Remus and Sirius, sometimes in his apartment, sometimes nowhere to be known. At first Remus appreciated his visitation, but as the weeks passed, he couldn’t handle it anymore. Teddy was high and no one brought it up. Remus tried to ignore it, he did, but he couldn’t do it anymore. 

He and Sirius decided that, if Teddy were to stay with them, he needed to go to rehab. He needed to end his apartment lease, move out, and go to rehab. There was no other option. He was, presumably, spending all his money on drugs and rent for a place he hardly lived in. They helped pay for part of it every month so, at the very least, they were going to back out of that. Without their help, Teddy would have no choice but to break his lease, and, without rehab, Teddy wouldn’t be welcomed here. He had no choice but to go.  

“Dad, get off,” Teddy mumbled, squishing his face into his pillow. His hair was sticking up in all directions and there were dark circles under his eyes. Remus wasn’t even sure what time he had come in last night. 

“No. Get up.” 

“Why?” 

“You’re going back to rehab.” 

“What?” This got Teddy up. He sprung up faster than Remus had seen him move in weeks, his eyes wide as he stared at Remus. “You’re crazy, I’m not going. No, no.” Teddy shook his head and pushed himself up and out of his bed. “I have plans today.” 

“Great, cancel them.” Remus didn’t have the energy to play these games anymore. 

“You’re insane,” Teddy mumbled, rolling his eyes. 

“Yup! Most likely, and you know who made me this way?” Remus looked at Teddy for a few seconds, his son sinking in on himself. “Get up. We have to be at the center at one. It's a different place than before. You're lucky they're even taking new residents, we practically had to beg them to let you in."

“Lucky?! I said no! I’m not going!” 

“Teds, you don’t have a choice. This is it.” 

“No!” Teddy turned to slam his hand against the wall. He was trying to scare Remus, to make a scene, but Remus wasn’t falling for it. 

Teddy trembled as he stood there, tears dripping down his cheeks. He wasn’t sober right now. He hadn’t been sober in a long time. 

“Teddy, if you want to live here, if you want our support, if you want to see us, you have to go to rehab.” Remus forced himself to keep a neutral face, but the words stung to say out loud. 

Right now, and for as long as he remained high, Teddy wasn’t allowed near the baby, therefore he wasn’t allowed near Harry. This was the only place he had left to go. 

“You wouldn’t.” 

“I would and I am. Come on.” 

“No!” Teddy wailed, just like a little kid. 

Remus was silent for a long time, gathering the courage to say his next words. “Teddy, do you want to die? Is that what this is all about?” 

Teddy said nothing, just weeped harder and crumbled to the floor. 

*

Thirty minutes later, Remus was physically dragging Teddy out the door. Sirius was waiting for them in the car, ready to go the moment they got in, but Teddy was making it difficult. 

“Teddy! Come on!” Remus finally let go of Teddy’s arm, his son stumbling slightly backwards. “Please, please, just get in the car. I am begging you. I can’t watch this anymore. I can’t fight with you. You need to get help.” 

Teddy finally followed him to the car, not saying a word as he slumped into the backseat and slammed the door shut. Remus took a few moments to breath before he got in the car himself. 

He said nothing to Sirius and Sirius said nothing to him. Sirius reached over and squeezed Remus’ knee quickly before pulling away from their house. The drive was about an hour and a half and Remus was dreading every second of it. Teddy was quiet now, but he wouldn’t be the whole way. 

Remus eventually turned music on, the silence making his skin crawl. He tried to make quiet conversation with Sirius, but it kept ending in long silences and he eventually gave up. 

“This is bullshit,” Teddy mumbled, his body slack and resting against the car door. His forehead was pressed against the cool glass and his hair was still a mess from sleep. 

“It is bullshit,” Remus agreed. 

“Listen, I know I fucked up. I made a mistake, but I don’t need to go to rehab.” 

“You do.” 

“I don’t!” Teddy shouted and startled Remus. He forgot how quickly Teddy could snap.  “You can’t control me! You’re always trying, but you can’t!” Teddy screamed. “I’ll just run away, I’ll run away and…and you’ll never hear from me again! I don’t need you. You think I need you?” 

Remus flipped around in his seat to look at his son’s vacant eyes. Who are you was all he could think as his son screamed at him. 

*

Teddy eventually fell asleep, much to everyone’s relief. Remus was half tempted to ask Sirius to turn the car around and forgo this whole rehab idea, just to get Teddy to shut up. They couldn’t, though. He knew that. This was the only way. 

When they arrived, they got Teddy up and out of the car without a hassle. He kept flopping between agreeing to go and then yelling at the top of his lungs about how much Remus and Sirius were ruining his life. Luckily, he was agreeing to go right now. 

In the center they were greeted by a kind, older woman with greying hair and a soft smile. 

“Hello, welcome in.” 

“Hi,” Remus greeted, holding out a hand. “I’m Remus Lupin, and this is Teddy, we have a move in time at one. I’m so sorry we’re a little late, we had a slow start to the day.” 

“Oh, no worries. I’m Cindy, the program director.” She smiled and tried to shake Teddy’s hand. He ignored her though. She looked to Sirius next, holding her hand out. 

“Hi, I’m Sirius, Teddy’s other parent.” 

“Lovely to meet you all. I’m so glad you’ve decided to join us, Teddy. You have a long journey ahead of you, but—” 

“Can I see my room?” 

“We will go on a tour, yes. You’ll need to meet with some people before settling in though, I’m afraid. I’ll need you to do some paperwork, too.” 

Teddy grunted in response, but didn't argue. 

“Right, well if you all will follow me.” 

“I don’t want them to come.” Teddy turned around and looked at Remus with hatred in his eyes. His words were spiteful and Remus knew he was just saying it to piss him off. 

“You are an adult. If you want to move in on your own, you’re more than welcome to. I do recommend—” 

“I don’t give a fuck what you recommend,” Teddy flipped around and hissed at Cindy.

“Teddy, c’mon. You can take your anger out on us, but don’t take it out on others.” 

“Fuck off!” He shouted and Remus held his hands in surrender. 

“Fine.” Remus looked at Sirius, who was pale in the face. Despite years and years away from his family, Sirius never did well around yelling. Remus couldn’t imagine the emotions that coursed through him this entire morning. “We’ll be off then.” 

“Good,” Teddy mumbled. 

“How can we get in contact with Teddy?” 

“I don’t want you to.” 

“And I wasn’t asking you,” Remus responded, looking to Cindy again. 

“We don’t allow cellphones in the clinic, but there is a computer in the rec room that Teddy may use to email. We have a call list so, whoever Teddy approves, may call him at any time and vice versa. Family visitation days are once a week on Saturdays, though it has to be approved by the individual if they want to see guests.” 

Remus knew that that approval was not going to happen, not anytime soon at least. 

“Alright.” 

“If you have any questions at all, you can call the center.” 

“Thank you.” Remus smiled weakly and turned to look at Teddy. He opened his arms for a hug, but Teddy glared and began to walk the other direction. 

Remus, heart aching and stomach sinking, watched him go. 

*

“How long do you think he’ll go before he reaches out?” Sirius asked that evening as they lay on the couch. They had a movie playing in the background, but neither of them were actually watching. 

“I don’t know.” Remus let his head fall against the back of the couch, head lolling to the side to look at his partner. “He’s so flip-floppy with his moods lately. Sober Teddy is a lot nicer than high Teddy, but I think he’s really mad this time.” 

“Well, let him be mad. He needs help,” Sirius murmured. “He can hate us all he wants, so long as he’s getting the support he needs.” 

“I don’t want him to hate us…I can’t stand it.” 

“Neither can I.” Sirius pushed himself up and rotated his body until he was pressed into Remus’ side. He flopped his head onto Remus’ shoulder, reaching forward to grab his hand. “He’ll come around when he’s ready. He won’t stay mad forever.” 

Remus wanted to believe him, but every time he closed his eyes or sat in silence, all he could picture was the look on Teddy’s face as he screamed his lungs out. Remus wasn’t ruining Teddy’s life though, Remus was trying to save it. 

*

“You’re up early.” Hope placed a kiss to the top of Remus’ messy bed head. 

“Couldn’t sleep.” 

“Is it too warm or cold in your room? I can adjust the temperature.” 

“No, no. Just have a lot on my mind,” Remus replied and set down his book. He leaned his chin on his hand and looked over at his mother. She was getting older, 70 now, though she hardly looked it. Her features had a vibrant youth to it, smile lines etched into her face from years of laughter. Her hair was streaked with grey, but was still full and healthy. Remus had hoped he’d inherit her genes, but he already looked like Lyall did when he was forty. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” 

“You know my thoughts.” 

“Sure, but we can still talk.” Hope sat down at the table next to Remus, mirroring his position. 

“It’s been over a week and no one has heard from him. I tried to call the center to check in, but they’re legally not allowed to give me any information because Teddy isn’t a minor. I know he’s mad, I just…I don’t know, I just hoped he would have at least checked in. Even just to say, “hey I’m still mad at you.”. It’s hard when there’s no correspondence at all.” 

“I’m sure he’s settling in, cariad. Plus, he’s detoxing from whatever it was he was on. From what you’ve told me and from what I know, detoxing is not a quick or easy process.” 

Remus shook his head, slowly exhaling. “Not fun to watch either.” 

Hope remained silent, giving Remus the space to speak more.

“Sending him away was the right decision, yeah?” 

“Yes.” 

“But what if—” 

“Remus, we’ve talked about this. It was the right decision. It was the only decision. No more excuses, no more last chances. He’s pushed his luck and proved time and again that he can’t be trusted. He needs professional help. He’s an addict.” 

Was he? This is what kept Remus up and spiraling. Sure, he was addicted but was he an addict? Teddy wasn’t like the people he saw in media growing up who were addicts. He had a roof over his head. He looked healthy enough. He had a job, friends, a family. It wasn’t fair to judge someone based on the appearances he saw on TV, but Teddy wasn’t an addict. He had an addiction and he was going to get better.
At least, that’s what Remus firmly believed right now. He had days where addict was the only word he could think to describe his son, but those days made him sick to his stomach. 

“I know…I just miss him.” 

“You will see him soon, hm?” 

“If he wants us there. He has to invite us to family day.” 

“Do you want my advice?” 

“Always.” Remus smiled.

“Give him time, sweetheart. Let him settle in, work through all those intense, nasty thoughts he’s having. Give him time and he will come back. He loves you more than words could ever explain.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yes. I promise.” 

“Promise is a big word. You always taught me not to make promises unless I could a hundred percent guarantee it would come true.” 

“Well—” Hope reached across the table to squeeze Remus’ arm. “I am a hundred percent positive about this.” She pushed herself up from the chair and shuffled further into the kitchen. “I’m also a hundred percent positive I’m hungry and want a fry up. Would you like me to make you something?” 

“No, s’okay. I think I may go back up to bed and see if I can get in a little more sleep.” 

“Alright, sweetheart. Let me know when you’re hungry. I’ll cook you and Sirius up something. We have fresh eggs from yesterday and I went to the market over the weekend so we have the nice bread, cheese, and veggies.” 

Although it did sound mouth watering good, Remus also wanted to be with Sirius right now. He was still asleep, but being around him was grounding and, right now, Remus needed to be pulled back down. 

Remus excused himself and headed back up the steps to his old bedroom, the one where his partner was sleeping soundly under a handmade quilt from his mother. 

Remus climbed back into bed, gently maneuvering under the covers and snaking his arms across Sirius’ bare chest. He pulled the man flush against his body, his thumbs gently running over his surgery lines on his chest. They were faded, old and worn and growing with his older body, but still there all the same. 

Sirius made some sort of whine, pushing back against Remus’ body and snuggling his face further down into the pillow. 

“S’time?” 

“Dunno…6ish.” 

“Six?!” Sirius whined again, shaking his head slightly. “Where were you?” He mumbled, his voice muffled by the pillow. 

“Downstairs, couldn’t sleep,” Remus whispered and tightened his grip on Sirius. He placed gentle kisses to the back of his neck, right below his ear. 

Sirius hummed approvingly and gently pushed back some more. 

“S’too early…” He whispered, though didn’t pull apart. 

“Missed you,” Remus muttered against his skin, sucking harder on the sensitive area. He hadn’t planned to come in and seduce his husband, but he’d never turn down the opportunity to be with Sirius in this way. 

“I’m right here. You’re the one who left,” Sirius whispered, moving around just enough to expose more of his neck. 

“And I came back.” 

“Oh I’ll show you come back,” Sirius teased, his voice scratchy with sleep. 

“Is that your attempt at a cumshot joke?” 

“Could be, mhm.” 

“Needs work.” 

“You need work—” 

Before Sirius could finish his sentence, Remus let go of his chest and flipped himself around so he was straddling Sirius, hands coming up to pin Sirius’ hands above his head. 

“You were saying?” 

This shut Sirius right up. He looked up at Remus with parted lips and lust in his eyes. 

“Your parents are awake.” 

“So you better be extra quiet,” Remus whispered, bending down to kiss Sirius’ jugular. 

Sirius whined and squirmed under Remus' weight, his body tangled awkwardly in the blankets. He gasped softly and brought one knee up, gently pressing against Remus’ growing erection. 

“What do you want?” Remus whispered against Sirius’ skin, sucking on the dip of his collarbone. 

Sirius, gasping softly and squirming under Remus’ mouth, blubbered out some incoherent answer.

“Clear words, baby.” 

“You,” Sirius whispered. “You. You. I want you, inside of me. On me. Near me. Anywhere, I just want you.” 

Remus hummed and dropped his grip on Sirius’ hand, quickly sliding down his partner’s body. His lips and nose dragged down Sirius’ soft skin, stopping every so often to gently suck on an especially sensitive area. Once he got to his boxers, he lifted his eyes up to get silent confirmation from Sirius to keep going. Sirius nodded and Remus carefully tugged his boxers down, exposing Sirius entirely. 

“God, I want to eat you whole.” Remus mumbled into the crease of Sirius’ thigh, his nose buried in Sirius’ coarse pubic hair. 

“Do it,” Sirius whined, his legs falling open in invitation. 

Remus didn’t need to be told twice. He got to work slowly opening Sirius, first with his tongue and then with his fingers. He continued until Sirius was shaking underneath him and tugging on Remus’ hair to get his attention. 

“I don’t want to cum yet. I’m good, I’m ready.” 

“You sure?” Remus looked up, eyes hazy and lips shiny. 

Sirius nodded hurriedly and scooted his body up. He quickly flipped around so he was on all four, arching his back for Remus. 

“Oh, is that so?” Remus grinned, his own clothes slowly being ripped from his body and tossed to the ground until he was naked. 

“Yes, god please. Please fuck me.” 

Remus reached down to stroke his cock a few times, though it was hardly necessary. He could get off watching Sirius get off. 

He lined himself with Sirius and slowly pressed in, cautious at first. Apparently too cautious, because, after a few seconds, Sirius pushed back until his ass lay flat against Remus’ navel. 

“I said fuck me,” Sirius demanded. 

Remus gripped his hips tightly, his nails digging into his pale skin. “You’re not in charge here.” Remus reminded him, picking up his pace nonetheless. Whatever response Sirius had, was quickly fucked out of him. 

Sirius sank lower onto his elbows and let out a small gasp every time Remus’ body collided with him. Luckily for them, the bed frame wasn’t hitting the wall so the only noise that could be heard was skin on skin, though he figured no one was actually listening. 

Remus could hear his mum’s music playing downstairs and he figured his Da was already up and working somewhere on the farm. It was a risky game, nonetheless. 

Sirius reached back and between his legs, gently stroking his clit as Remus picked up the speed, knowing that meant that Sirius was close. 

“My cock not enough?” 

Remus didn’t actually take offense to Sirius touching himself. He found it hot and wanted Sirius to feel as much pleasure as he could, but he liked to tease. Play into the dynamic they had created throughout their relationship. 

“It’s e-enough. It’s plenty.” 

“Still have to touch yourself, hm? My cock isn’t enough to make you cum?” 

Remus pulled Sirius roughly, slamming into him at just the right angle. Sirius gasped, dropping his hand away and whining into the pillow. 

“F-fuck—” 

“Tell me my cock is enough, Sirius.” 

“Your c-cock—” 

“I can’t hear you.” 

“Your cock is enough.” Sirius finally managed to get out. “I’m c-cumming.” He buried his face back into the pillow and Remus heard a muffled cry as Sirius pulsated around his cock. This pushed Remus over the edge, finishing inside Sirius with a groan of pleasure. 

Neither man moved for a few beats, Sirius' body still being held up by Remus’ grip, though Sirius’ arms were shaky and losing strength to hold him up. 

Remus leant down to kiss between Sirius’ shoulder blades, his grip loosening as he carefully pulled out. 

Sirius whined at the lack of contact and flipped onto his back. He pulled his legs in and looked up at Remus, his cheeks flushed red and lips parted still trying to catch his breath.  

Remus lowered himself down onto the bed next to Sirius, reaching a hand over to gently cup his cheek. He stroked a thumb across the warm flesh, scanning Sirius’ face quickly. 

“Good?” 

“Perfect.” Sirius smiled, leaning into the touch. He rolled his curled up body to the side and closer to Remus until his head was resting on Remus’ chest. “You think your parents heard us?” 

“Doubt it and if they did, they would rather drop dead than say anything.” 

“I wouldn’t be able to look your mum in the eye knowing she heard.” 

“Eh, we’ve gotten away with it thus far, I think we’re okay.” Remus wrapped an arm around Sirius, dragging his fingers up and down his spine. 

Sirius nodded against Remus’ chest but didn’t say anything for a while. The sun was almost fully risen by this point and the birds outside were louder than ever. The animals on the farm were waking up, but Remus found their noise to be comforting instead of an annoyance. 

“Are you going to tell your parents we got married two months ago?” Sirius asked, propping himself up on his elbow to give Remus a sleepy look. 

Remus groaned and squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. 

“I don’t wanna...” He whined, sounding like Teddy did when he was a toddler being forced to eat his vegetables. 

“Hope will—” 

“Mum is not who I’m worried about.” 

“Okay. Lyall will—” 

Remus groaned again and Sirius gently hit him on the chest. 

“Remus Lupin, you are a grown man. Who gives a flying fuck what your Dad thinks?” 

“He won’t say anything outright but he’s going to get all grumpy and weird for the rest of the trip.” 

“So?” 

“So…it’ll put Ma off and then I’ll feel bad and then you’ll feel bad and then I’ll have to go sleep out in the barn to avoid all the awkward, weird tension inside the house.” 

“Your Dad loves you, Remus. Hell, I’m pretty sure he loves me.” 

“Oh, he adores you.” Remus peaked an eye open to be met with a smiling Sirius looking down at him. “He’s just… homophobic.” 

Sirius nodded and reached down to grab the necklace he was wearing. His wedding band was looped on a silver chain, the only safe way to wear his ring with the profession he was in. 

As they discussed at the start of their engagement, they had gone down to the courthouse one weekend with a pair of matching rings and Teddy and Harry as witnesses. After, Sirius and Remus had dinner with their boys and then went out to a small wedding party thrown by Dorcas and Marlene, where they all got too drunk and Remus woke up in the bathtub while Sirius lay on the bathroom floor dry heaving. A beautiful disaster. 

He had told everyone except his parents. His ma would be happy for them, but his dad would just get awkward or make some off hand comment about his views on gay people and it would ruin everything. Remus refused to let him ruin any more happy moments for him. Lyall tried, he did, but he just…didn’t love Remus and Sirius’ relationship, despite how long they had been together. 

“You have to tell them today, Rem.” 

“I know.” 

Sirius leaned down and kissed Remus’ forehead and then reached down to his bare hand. “I don’t like seeing you without your ring.” 

“It’s in my bag, I still have it with me.” 

“I know, but it belongs on your hand.” 

Remus hummed and squeezed Sirius’ hand. 

“Now c’mon. I need to take a shower because I am sticky and you’re going to wash my hair and give me a nice head massage to make up for making me sticky.” 

“Deal.” Remus grinned in agreement. 

*

They spent the day outside, helping Hope around the farm and spending time with all the animals. She had just adopted a new lamb, Starlight, who had the personality of a dog. He wanted to follow them around everywhere and loved to be pet. Hope explained that she sometimes let him sleep in the house and he’d curl up right in the dog bed, though Lyall protested. 

At dinner, Sirius kept kicking Remus’ foot under the table and giving him a look. Remus knew he had to say it, get it over with, but he was scared. They still had two more days here, he really didn’t want things to go awry. He needed a break, that’s why they were here. To get away from their stressful lives. 

By the fifth kick, Remus finally cleared his throat. 

“I need to tell you both something.” 

Remus felt like he was a teenager again, confessing to something he knew would get him in trouble. 

“What is it? Are you okay?” Hope put her fork down, her motherly instincts instantly kicking in. 

“Yes, yeah. We’re both great.” Remus nodded and fell silent. Sirius gave him another look before taking over. 

“We got married,” Sirius said, most likely figuring Remus wasn’t going to say it himself. 

“What?” Hope perked up at the news. “When? Did you have a ceremony?” 

“No, it was a small thing. We just went to the courthouse with the boys and some rings and then had a celebratory night with our friends. We didn’t want to make it a whole thing.” 

“Oh loves,” Hope cooed and stood up. She walked over to Remus and kissed his head, repeating the motion for Sirius next. “How wonderful! I want to bake you a cake or…or something! We can have a little celebration here, since I wasn’t there for the wedding.”

“Ma, you don’t have to.” 

“Please, I’d love to.” Hope smiled, reaching over to squeeze Remus’ shoulder. “Let me see the rings.” 

Remus swapped the ring to his appropriate finger and held up his hand. The bands were just simple silver with an R + S engraving on the inside. Nothing too flashy, but perfect for them. 

Sirius reached into his shirt and pulled out the necklace. “I wear mine on a chain so I don’t lose it at work. I’d have to keep taking it off and I was scared I’d misplace it or ruin it somehow.” 

Hope took Remus’ hand and looked at the ring, her eyes filling with tears. “Oh my baby, this is so lovely. I’m so happy for you both.” 

“Thanks Ma,” Remus whispered and, with a deep breath, looked over to his father, who hadn’t said a word. He hardly acknowledged the announcement. 

“Dad?” 

“It’s nice.” 

“Yeah uh…thanks.” 

“Why now? I mean… why at all? You seemed happy without the label for all those years.” 

“We were…are happy. We just thought it would be nice to make it official. It doesn’t change anything, just…it’s nice. Special.” 

“If you say so,” Lyall huffed. “What about Tonks? How does she feel?” 

Remus was silent, looking over at Sirius with a confused look. 

“What about her? I don’t think she gives a fuck.”

“Well…isn’t it a dishonor to her?” 

“What? Why would…” Remus shook his head. “We’ve been divorced for almost two decades, Dad. I promise you she does not care that I remarried. When I told her, her response was “finally”.” 

“I just think it’s…I don’t know. I just don’t understand.” 

“Figures,” Remus scoffed. 

Sirius reached over to grab Remus’ hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. 

“Rem…” He warned, his tone light but stern all the same. 

“No, really. It’s fine! It’s great! I’m so glad you’re so supportive of our relationship!” Remus stood up, shaking his hand free from Sirius’ grip. “You’d think after almost twenty years of seeing us together, you’d change but god forbid your gay son be happy and married. You’re such a…” Remus couldn’t find the words to say. So instead he shook his head, mumbled an apology, and exited the room. He stormed out the back door, letting his legs drag him away without any thought of where he was going. 

He walked straight to the barn and into the Starlight’s enclosure, the lamb laying cozily on a blanket. 

“I’m very upset, Starlight,” Remus grumbled, walking closer to her and plopping down in the hay. He had changed into a sweater for dinner, so little pieces of hay would be stuck to him for the rest of the evening now. 

The lamb looked up at him, and let out a little ‘baa’. 

“I agree, he is an arse.” Remus reached over to pet the top of her head. “Who the fuck cares about Tonks reaction? Who the fuck cares we’ve been together for almost two decades and only just now decided to get married. I mean, we couldn’t even get legally married until a few years ago anyway, as I’m sure he knows. He’s constantly reading the news, most likely silently praying for the downfall of queer rights.” 

Starlight nuzzled into his hand. 

“I like talking to you. You don’t talk back.” 

He glanced up when he heard footsteps approaching, his Ma’s figure appearing at the gate of the enclosure.

“Can I come in?” 

Remus nodded, motioning to the hay around him. It wasn’t exactly comfortable seating, but it would do. 

“You know he—” 

“Ma, I really don’t want to hear it.” 

“Sweetheart, he’s just an old grumpy man. He loves you and Sirius, he’s just stuck in his opinions. He doesn’t like change and he just…doesn’t understand certain things. I’m not saying it’s okay, but I really just wouldn’t let it get to you.” 

“But it does get to me. He makes me feel like I’ve done something terrible by being with someone I love. We have two kids together, we’ve spent half our lives with one another. I don’t get why he still finds it necessary to spew his bigoted thoughts.” 

“I don’t understand it either,” Hope mumbled, sitting down next to Remus. 

Sometimes Remus wondered why they were even married. His ma hardly seemed happy with Lyall and they barely spent any time together. Everyday they’d go off to their own things and when they were together, they barely acted like a married couple. 

“I just can’t deal with this. I already feel like a fuck up of a dad, I don’t need to feel like a fuck up of a kid too.” 

“Remus John, you are not a fuck up.” 

“My kid’s in rehab and is so pissed at me he can’t even send an email to let me know he’s alive.” 

“His addiction is not your fault. I know you know this. You can support his recovery, but you can’t do it for him. He has to want to get better on his own, Remus. None of that burden falls on you.” 

It felt like his fault. 

“I should’ve done more to stop it, to get him the help he needed.” 

Remus didn’t tell her the specifics of what Teddy was using, only that he was back in rehab. 

“He’s getting help now.” 

“He hates me.” 

“He doesn’t.” 

“You should’ve heard him, Ma. The things he was saying, the way he looked at me like I was ruining his whole life.” 

Hope slung an arm over Remus’ shoulder, pulling him closer to her. “Remus, he will understand why you did what you did one day. He will wake up, maybe years from now, and realize you saved him. You forced him into rehab to keep him alive. He’s mad now, but he won’t be mad forever.” 

“You don’t know that.” 

“I do.” 

Remus fell silent, choosing to believe her. Just this once, he had to have a little hope that things wouldn’t be this terrible forever. That things would change. That his boy would come back to him. 

*

“You are just the cutest baby alive, aren’t you?” Remus cooed at James, who was wiggling around Remus’ lap with a small smile. He had begun to intentionally smile a few weeks ago and Harry said James rarely went without one. He was a happy baby. He slept well, ate well, and napped well. Teddy had been like that too and Remus was forever grateful. 

James blew a little spit bubble and Remus reached for the flannel on his shoulder to wipe the spit up. 

“I agree,” Remus said as the front door opened. 

“Hello, my loves,” Sirius announced, making his way into the sitting room. He leaned down to kiss the top of Remus’ head and then walked around the couch to greet James. He plopped down on the cushion and gently reached for the boy. 

“Oh hello, I missed you,” Sirius said with a smile, gently bouncing James up and down. “How was he?” 

“Good, yeah. He took most of his bottle and took a decent nap.” 

“He’s a champ, Harry was never like that. Kid was a terror for day one.” 

Remus chuckled and handed the flannel off to Sirius, draping it over his shoulder. 

“I’m going to grab a cuppa, want one?” 

“Please.” 

Remus nodded and left the room, petting Lady on the way into the kitchen. 

He had been babysitting Harry for the last few hours and, though he was an easy kid, Remus was still exhausted. He was giving Harry and Ginny a night off though, so his tiredness was for a good cause. 

He flipped the kettle on and leaned against the counter. He dug around in his pocket for his phone, his heart sinking to the pit of his stomach when his eyes caught sight of the email notification.  

 

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: I’m sorry

Hi Dad, I just wanted to write that I’m okay. I’m sorry for not reaching out sooner, I didn’t know what to say. I’m ashamed of the way I behaved the last time I saw you. I’m sorry. 

I emailed Sirius and Harry too, I want to make things right. 

I’m hoping you’ll forgive me and maybe come for family day next week? Let me know and I’ll have the program director add you to the list.

*

Remus slid down to the ground and read the email over and over again until his vision was too blurry with tears to make out any of the words.  

*

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Forgiven 

Teddy, 

I’m so relieved to hear from you, the whole family has been worried sick about how you’re doing. I understand needing some space to decompress, but know I have thought about you every minute of each day. Sirius and I would love to come to family day. 

Let me know if you’re up for a phone call, I’d love to hear your voice. 

Love,

Dad

*

Over the next few days, Remus and Teddy emailed regularly. Some emails were mundane, and others were book length talking about everything and nothing. Remus loved each one though. He savored every word, held it close to him like the words were Teddy he was hugging. 

Family day crept up on them quickly, but still too slow for Remus’ liking. They woke up early the morning of, and, after coffee, made their way to the center. 

They were the first family there, and Remus had to wonder how many people actually showed up each week. Did the other folks in the program have supportive families? Did they have the support Teddy had? 

“What if he doesn’t want to see us?” 

“He invited us.” 

“I know, but he’s been so up and down in our emails. Sometimes he’s talking about how much he loves us and he’s grateful to be here, and others he’s talking about how rehab is ruining his life and he doesn’t need help,” Remus mumbled, anxiously playing with the wedding band on his finger. 

“When we talked on the phone last night, he was telling me he was excited to see us. Apparently today is arts day, so we get to do some art therapy processing shit together.” 

“Well, you’ll excel at that,” Remus teased. 

“I don’t think it’s about talent, but rather emotions,” Sirius said dramatically. “Though yes, I most definitely will excel.” 

“So humble, Black.” 

“You love me.” 

“I suppose.” Remus leaned over to kiss the side of Sirius’ head, just as the door to the center opened.

Out came Teddy, a shy smile on his lips. He was dressed in sweats and a sweater that Remus was convinced was stolen from his closet. He still looked painfully underweight, but his cheeks were fuller than last time and he had some color back in his complexion. 

Teddy stepped down the stairs and slowly made his way in front of Remus and Sirius. 

“Hi,” he whispered. “Uh…thanks for coming. It’s really nice that you—” 

Remus cut him off with a hug, pulling him to his chest. Teddy slowly wrapped his arms around Remus, squeezing tightly a moment later. Teddy’s shoulders began to shake and Remus realized after a horrifying second that he was crying. 

“T-thank you…” 

“For what, Teds?” Remus whispered into his son’s hair. 

“For loving me. For not giving up on me.” 

“Oh my love…” Remus felt tears well up in his own eyes. “I’ll never give up on you. Never.” 

Sirius stepped closer to the huddle and wrapped one arm around Remus and the other around Teddy, squeezing them both tightly. 

“I love you both,” Teddy cried. “So much. So much.” 

“We love you too, Teddy.” Sirius responded. 

They stayed like this for a while, while the world continued on around them. For that moment, right here in front of the center, everything was okay. 

*

Teddy gave them a quick tour of the facility. It had a dining hall with a handful of tables, chairs, and two couches. There was a door attached that led to the kitchen, where Teddy admitted to sneaking into a few times with his friend to grab a midnight snack. 

The center had a giant recreational room full of couches, tables, art supplies, books, a TV with DVDs, two old computer monitors, and a ping pong table. 

“I’ve been getting good at playing ping pong. I’ve even won a few rounds.” Teddy explained as he pointed around the room. 

They walked past the gardens, which were full of colorful flowers, a small fountain, and some benches. There were a few folks smoking outside, engaged in some sort of funny conversation, if their laughs were anything to go off of. 

“Most of the people here smoke, it helps calm them down and is a cathartic activity. It’s sorta a social event, too,” Teddy explained. 

They passed a small gym, currently empty, and then a room with chairs currently aligned in a circle. He explained that it’s where their daily group sessions took place. 

“And here’s my room.” Teddy pushed open the door and gestured around unenthusiastically. 

The room was simple, nothing much to it. He had a twin size bed, small desk and chair, side table, closet with barely any clothes hanging, small dresser, and an ensuite bathroom which Remus figured was tiny as well. 

“I uh…well I don’t have a lot to decorate, but that’s okay. People who have been here for months have photos and art hanging on their walls, but I don’t think it’s worth my time because I won’t be here for that much longer.” 

Remus forced a smile on his face, but his heart sank. He had hoped, after two weeks in the program, Teddy would see the benefit of staying longer. They only agreed to a month though, so Remus had to follow through. A month was better than nothing. 

“You have a nice view,” Sirius commented, walking over to the window. Teddy’s room overlooked the side garden. 

“It’s nice, especially when I wake up early. I enjoy watching the sunrise.” 

“Morning riser now, hm? That’s a change. Growing up we practically had to drag you out of bed at 1pm.” 

“Eh, there isn’t a lot to do around here. I go to bed early and wake up early.” Teddy shrugged with a smile. He sat down on the edge of his bed. “I’m glad to leave soon. Two more weeks.” 

“Two more weeks,” Remus responded weakly. Two more weeks. 

*

“Do you believe in God?” 

“I’m not sure. I think there’s something bigger than us, but I can’t say if it’s God. Why do you ask?” 

They hadn’t raised the boys religiously, but were never against religious exploration if it’s something either of them wanted to do. 

“12 steps is really spiritual. Everything is about believing in a higher power to help us with our addictions, because we can’t do it alone. A lot of addicts affiliate that to God.” 

“That makes sense. What do you believe?” 

“I don’t know…I feel like I should believe in God, but I’m not sure I do.” 

“Well that’s okay. You can find a higher power in something else.” 

“Yeah…” Teddy was silent for a few beats. “I just think that if God was real, he wouldn’t have given me an addiction…why would he create someone just to suffer through life?” 

Remus sighed and looked up at the fading sun sky. “I wish I had an answer for you, Teds. I really do.” Remus was silent for what felt like forever, before he finally muttered out, “life just sucks sometimes.” 

“Yeah…” Teddy mumbled down the line. 

*

They attended two more family days during the remainder of Teddy’s stay. One was okay, but the last one Teddy wasn’t himself. He seemed distant and hardly spoke in group sessions. Calls and emails were sparse the last few days, but he still checked in at least once daily to assure Remus and Sirius he was at least alive. 

They had decided that, once he was out, he would move back in with Remus and Sirius. He already called his roommate to work out a plan to get him off the lease and Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Hermione had gone over to help pack his things up and move it back home. They wanted the transition from rehab to home to be as seamless and smooth as possible. 

Remus, the day before last, did talk to Teddy about staying longer. He practically begged, but Teddy bit his head off and said he didn’t want to. He didn’t need to. Remus didn’t push, but he should’ve. 

The morning of his release, in the midst of Sirius and Remus getting ready to leave, Remus got a call from the center. 

“Hello?” 

“Am I speaking to Remus Lupin?” 

“This is he. Is Teddy okay?” 

“I was actually calling to inform you that Teddy checked himself out last night. He didn’t inform anyone of where he was going and he didn’t leave with anyone else.” 

“What? What do you mean? Isn’t it your job to make sure he remains safe?” Remus sat on the edge of the bed, his tone causing Sirius to flip around and stare at him. 

“As we explained during our initial interview with you, residents are allowed to check themselves out at any point. We do our best to prevent it from happening, but it can’t always be stopped. Unfortunately, once someone has checked themselves out, we do not allow readmission into our program. It’s just policy.” 

“I don’t give a fuck about readmission, I care about where my son is!” 

“We had his therapist try to talk to him as he was leaving. He offered to have a session with him, but he refused any help and signed himself out. He terminated his stay, there is nothing we can do. Once someone leaves, they are no longer in our care.” 

“Not in your care?!” Remus’ heart was pounding. “He…he shouldn’t have ever…he—” Remus shook his head, tightly squeezing his eyes closed. “If you hear anything about his whereabouts or if he returns, please call me or Sirius, his other emergency contact.” 

Without waiting for a response, Remus hung up the phone and let out an ugly sob. His chest was heaving and he curled in on himself. 

“What the hell happened?!” Sirius rushed over to Remus, reaching forward to cup both his cheeks. “Where’s Teddy?” 

“He’s g-gone,” Remus cried. “He’s gone, Sirius. He left, no one knows where he w-went.” Remus sobbed. “One day! He had one more fucking day and we were c-coming to get him. One more fucking day!” 

Remus had never wanted to die, but this is the closest he ever got to wishing he wasn’t alive anymore. He silently prayed to a God he didn’t believe in to make the pain go away. To end this whole mess. 

Please. Please. Please.

Notes:

king of MCD? more like king of cliffhangers ! see yall soon!

Also! After the next chapter, the "repetition" sorta ends! We start to see other things

Chapter 11: welcome home

Summary:

this and next chapter are a little shorter/transitional, and then we're coming to the end of our story!!!

Remus startled awake to the sound of Sirius’ screaming. He jumped and looked to the side the same moment Sirius woke himself up. Sirius scrambled his body up, kicking the sheets off of both of them, and panted heavily. 

“Hey, hey—” Remus reached over to flick on the lamp before turning his entire body towards Sirius. He didn’t reach out to touch him, but he brought his hand closer in case Sirius wanted to hold onto him. “Sirius, love, it was a nightmare. It wasn’t real.” 

Sirius was gulping for air, his chest heaving with every labored breath. Tears were dripping down his cheeks and, though he was nodding in acknowledgment, he didn’t seem to fully grasp the concept of dream versus reality. 

“Follow my breathing,” Remus said and took in a dramatically slow breath. He held it for a few beats and then loudly exhaled through his mouth. 

Sirius had been plagued with nightmares his entire life and it’s something he warned Remus about early on in their relationship. They happened less and less as the years went on, but every now and again he’d have a nightmare bad enough to wake him up in a state like this. 

“I c-can’t—” 

“Sirius, look at me.” 

Sirius shook his head and Remus was growing dizzy watching him. 

“Okay, do we need to go by the window or stand outside? Will fresh air help?”

When Sirius was really bad, like now, Remus had some techniques that usually helped. Sirius explained once that coldness helped ground him back to reality.  

The man shook his head, choking on another sob. 

“Okay, can you stand up? How about we just go to the bathroom then?” 

“O-Okay.” 

Remus slid out of bed and walked over to Sirius’ side, cautious to avoid touching him. Most of the time, touch initiated by Remus made it all worse. 

“C’mon, I’m right there,” Remus mumbled and carefully walked them to the bathroom. 

Once inside, Remus flipped the tap on to the coldest it would go, motioning for Sirius to stick his hand under the stream. 

Sirius complied and squeezed his eyes shut the moment his hand was under the water. 

“I need you to take a deep breath, okay? I know it’s hard and I know you feel like you can’t, but I need you to.” 

Sirius finally nodded and followed along with Remus’ breathing this time. They breathed deeply until Sirius was finally able to steady his breath, his body visibly slowing down.  

“I should’ve just g-given him money,” Sirius whimpered, his hand still under the water. His body was beginning to shake now, a common after effect of his panic attacks. 

“Who?” Remus leaned against the counter, ready to hold Sirius the minute he was ready. 

“Regulus.” 

Remus’ heart sank at the name. Most of his nightmares were about his brother, but it had been so long since the last one, Remus wasn’t used to talking about him. 

“Sirius, we’ve talked about this.” 

“I know but I’m his brother. I s-should’ve helped him. Maybe he’d still be alive if—” 

“Sirius. No.” Remus cut off that train of thought before it could fully leave the station. “Regulus was sick and money would’ve helped him for a little, but he would’ve needed more and more and more. He needed professional help, something you did offer to help him with. There’s nothing else you could’ve done, love. You did everything.” 

Sirius slowly opened his red rimmed eyes, his gaze glued to his hand under the cold water. 

“I’m s-scared that Teddy will be next,” Sirius eventually mumbled. “That’s who I saw in my dream. It was Regulus but…but it was also Teddy. They were begging for my help and…and I couldn’t move. I was stuck and they were both dying. I can’t lose T-Teddy like I lost Reg.” 

“You haven’t lost him.” Remus’ heart kept sinking, dizziness officially washing over him. 

Teddy had been missing for a week now, no one having heard a word from him. The center hadn’t called and, to the best of his knowledge, no one else had seen him. Remus drove around for the first two days after he left, looking for him. He drove around as many areas as he could, went down sketchy alleys, and even got out to talk to some people on the streets to ask if they’d seen Teddy. Most didn’t take favor to a random white man in a nice car coming up to them and asking them questions about a missing person. It could’ve been a trap, a set up to get them in trouble for selling.

Sirius practically ripped him a new one when he found out, screaming at him for how dangerous it was to do that and how he could’ve gotten hurt. Remus sobbed then, not caring about himself or his safety. He just cared about Teddy’s. 

“I miss him and I w-want him back home,” Sirius cried, pulling Remus from his thoughts. Remus wasn’t sure if he was talking about Regulus or Teddy.
Regardless, Remus nodded his head. “I know, baby. I do too.”

*

“Honey, I’m home,” Remus sang-called into the house. Tuesday evenings were when Sirius did his shot, so Remus figured he would already be up in the bathroom, having his little pamper session. 

Remus walked up to their room and stripped off his outer layers until he was clad in his briefs and the white t-shirt he wore under his sweater. 

He walked to the bathroom, the door cracked open, causing a lavender smell to spill into the rest of the room. He knocked his knuckles against the door a few times before walking in. 

“Hi, I’m back.” 

“Hi,” Sirius responded, cozily leaned back in the tub. 

Remus smiled at him and let out a small gasp when Sirius sat up. His hair, which had previously been past his shoulder blades, was now cut to rest at chin length. His hair was freshly curled, the tips slightly wet from the bath. 

“Your hair.” Remus smiled and rushed over to the tub, falling to his knees despite the ache. 

“You like?” Sirius grinned, a pink tint on his cheeks. “It’s shorter than I’ve had in years but I just felt like I needed a change. They say hair holds onto memories and I needed a fresh start. It’s different though, so I get—” 

“Fuck, Sirius, you’re stunning.” Remus leaned over, elbows resting on the edge of the wet tub, and grabbed Sirius’ cheeks to pull him closer. “Absolutely divine. You look amazing.” 

Sirius grinned, so much so he couldn’t kiss back. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yes.” Remus nodded. “Yes, yes. Fuck, yes.” 

*

Later, after a very handsy bath, a shower to clean off, and Sirius doing his shot, they settled in for the night. Sirius was snuggled into Remus’ side, Remus’ arm slung over his shoulder. They had ordered in food and were planning to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day. Hell, for the whole weekend if they could manage. 

His phone vibrated with an unknown number. He figured it was a lost delivery man, so his heart nearly pounded out of his chest when he was met by the sounds of a boy whimpering. 

He was afraid to ask. Afraid to speak it into existence. 

“Teds?” 

“Dad…I’m s-so sorry. I fucked up. I’m in trouble.”

*

Remus nearly jumped out of the moving car the moment he laid eyes on the figure at the end of the alley. Like before, he was frail. He was shaking, his clothes dirty, hair a mess. It was freezing out, but he wore nothing but jeans and a t-shirt. However, unlike last time, his face was bloody and bruised. He had dry, crusted blood around his nose and a black eye forming. 

“Fuck—” Remus got out the moment the car stopped moving, sprinting to Teddy. 

Teddy staggered, his eyes unfocused and glazed over. 

“Teddy, what the hell happened?” Remus placed his hands on his son’s shoulder. Sirius had the car parked and was rushing up to the scene, his eyes worriedly looking Teddy up and down. He looked to Remus next, panic stricken eyes trying to search for an answer. 

Teddy mumbled an incoherent mess of  “I’m sorry” and “I messed up”. 

“I don’t understand. What happened?” Remus slid his hands down Teddy’s arm, his skin icy cool under his touch. His fingers ran over the raised, self-inflicted scars, luckily none of them new. He froze when he noticed the track marks, his hands slowly dropping away from Teddy. 

He messed up. He messed up. 

*

Teddy was in and out of consciousness the whole car ride home, mumbling nonsense every so often. Neither Sirius or Remus spoke, both most likely too scared. Remus was still hoping this was some sort of dream that he’d wake up to soon. The type of dream where he could take a breath, remind himself it was fake, then roll over to hold Sirius a little tighter than before. 

This was real though. This was his life. 

At home, they managed to get Teddy in the house and into his bathroom. Remus wasn’t sure what to do next, but getting him safe and warm had to be step one. 

“I don’t feel good,” Teddy mumbled, his skin a sickly shade of grey. 

“Do you need to vo—” 

Before Remus could ask, Teddy was leaning over himself and throwing up into his own lap. Remus winced at the sight, trying to hold in his own gag. 

Sirius backed out of the room ever so slightly, and Remus didn’t blame him. Before the vomit, Teddy stunk, but now he was putrid. 

“Fuuuck,” Teddy groaned, slumping down on himself. 

The only way to get through this was to let his body detox, and there was no easy way to let it happen. Remus would have to sit here and watch his son go through horrors in response to the own hell he put himself through, and there was nothing he could do. He could clean the vomit up and wipe away Teddy’s sweaty forehead, but then what? He was useless. His son was out of control and Remus was letting it happen. 

*

“Should we take him to the hospital?” Sirius asked later that night. 

Sirius and Remus were camped out on Teddy’s floor, bodies pressed together as they sat against his wall. Teddy, after a bath and a change of clothes, passed out in bed and Remus assumed this is where he’d remain for the next few days. 

“No, they’ll just have him detox there. At least here he doesn’t throw as much of a fit.” 

“He needs help.” 

“He’s going to go back to rehab once he’s more stable.” 

“He’ll throw a fit,” Sirius whispered with a sigh. 

“He can’t stay here.” Could he? After a few beats, Remus added, “that doesn’t make us horrible, right? Kicking him out when he’s struggling.” 

“We aren’t kicking him out. We’re offering to pay for his rehab and whatever else he needs to in order to stay sober. If he doesn’t want to take the help, then he’s on his own.” 

“He’s on his own until he calls us and we help him again.” 

Sirius didn’t say anything in response, but Remus didn’t blame him. What was there to say? Remus tried to stand his ground, but every time Teddy came crawling back, Remus dropped everything to help him. How could he not? It was his son. His beautiful, loving, kind, boy. At least, Remus hoped that version of Teddy was still alive. 

“How can we stop? I can’t just ignore the calls…I can’t let go of him…” 

“I don’t know…” Sirius whispered. “I don’t think there’s an answer and I wish there was. I wish there was some fucking…handbook on how to respond to your addict child relapsing over and over again.” 

Remus had done his fair share of deep diving on forums and Reddit posts and YouTube videos and whatever else he could find, but he still didn’t know what he was doing. Over and over again he read that this was not his fault, and yet he couldn’t stop the blame that ate away at his body. If it was not his fault, why did he carry the blame? 

*

Teddy, surprisingly, went to rehab this time without fuss. If anything, he seemed excited to go and get help. Though there wasn’t much to admit because Remus could see the evidence on his arm, he did confess to shooting up. He had never injected drugs before, but he tried it after the regular highs didn’t feel like enough. Some random guy at a house party showed him how to do it and Teddy said once he started he couldn’t stop. The high was so much better injected. 

The black eye and bloody nose came from Teddy owing people money. The details were all a little hazy, but he was very adamant that he owed people money and they’d kill him if he didn’t pay. Remus wasn’t sure how accurate of a threat it was, but he promised Teddy he’d help pay off whatever debt he owed to these guys. He hadn’t talked to Sirius about it, but one secret wouldn’t hurt. 

He felt like a hypocrite, after telling Sirius for months to stop giving Regulus money. Now here he was, doing the same with Teddy. 

It didn’t matter though, because Teddy was willingly back in rehab, and that’s the best they’ve managed to achieve so far. He wants to get better, told Sirius and him so himself. He wants to become clean. All the advice, the therapists, the blogs, his mum, and their friends all agreed that change couldn’t happen until Teddy wanted it to. 

And now they were here, standing in Teddy’s new room, saying their goodbyes. 

He had detoxed at home so he was past the worst of the physical symptoms, now struggling more so with the cravings and internal side of things. He looked sick, underweight, pale, shaky, destroyed arms, but he was here. That’s all that mattered. 

“You’ll visit for the first family day?” 

“Yes, if you want us here.” 

“Do you…” Teddy fiddled with his sleeves. “Do you think Harry would want to come?” 

“We’ll ask.” Remus gave him a half smile. 

Harry had been taking Teddy’s disappearance and relapse harder than he had before. He had cut Teddy off for the time being, saying it was too hard to talk with him. Remus had overheard their fighting two nights ago. Harry screamed at him that he didn’t have a brother anymore and James would grow up without an uncle if Teddy kept going down this route. The words were brutal to hear, but it wasn’t Remus’ place to jump in. 

“He hates me.” 

“He doesn’t hate you,” Sirius whispered in reassurance, sitting down on the bed next to Teddy. “He’s scared and doesn’t want to lose you.” 

“I want to get better.” 

“I know. He knows that too. You just have to prove it to us okay? You broke all of our trusts.” 

“I’m sorry,” Teddy mumbled remorsefully. “Really, I am. I don’t want to be like that anymore…I want to get clean.” 

Remus wanted to believe him but he had heard those words before, and look where they were now. 

“We believe in you,” Sirius said, squeezing Teddy's shoulder. “You just need to stay here and let yourself get the help you need. No more running away.”  

Teddy nodded and looked up at Remus, searching his face for what Remus assumed was confirmation. 

“Dad?” 

“I believe in you, bug, and I love you.” Remus smiled at Teddy, despite the doubt that crept in. He wanted to believe Teddy. He really did. 

*

The months passed slowly, but all at once. Teddy had been in rehab since the start of October, and now Christmas was around the corner. It would be weird to not have him home with them, but it was for the better. Remus pictured that this time next year, Teddy would be around to help place the star on top of the tree and steal the cookies Remus was baking for his students, feigning innocence when he was caught. He’d be here to open gifts on Christmas morning and help dress the dogs up in their festive Christmas sweaters. He’d FaceTime with Tonks in the morning and hang out with James in the afternoon, helping set up Christmas dinner in the evening. 

For now though, he was away and getting better. One missed Christmas for a lifetime of Christmas’ ahead of them. 

“Mate, you gotta sleep,” Harry grumbled, walking circles around the couch while bouncing James up and down. “I swear he was having a perfect nap streak and now he refuses to close his eyes.” 

“He just loves you so much, wants to spend every second with you,” Remus teased, watching Harry pace. 

“Oh and I love him, but I’d love him a whole lot more if he took a nap,” Harry directed the last part of his sentence to the bundle in his arms. 

Remus had spent the day over with Harry, helping watch James while Ginny was visiting her family for the day. Sirius was due to join them for dinner, he was just held up at work finishing up a commission. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

“Of course,” Remus responded, raising a brow. 

“Is it bad I’m still mad at Teddy?” 

“I don’t think it’s bad, no. Your emotions can’t be categorized as bad. It’s how you’re feeling.” 

“Yes I know, but…” Harry sighed and finally stopped moving. He sat down on the couch, cradling James to his chest. The baby’s eyes were growing heavier and heavier with each passing minute. “I am mad at him but I also understand addiction. I know he wants to stop, but…I just can’t get over how scared I was when he was missing, and how frustrated I am to have to keep him from his nephew. I don’t want to punish him, but I don’t trust him around James. He’s so…unpredictable when he’s high. He can get mean and he’s hot tempered. He’s not him, ya know?” 

Remus shook his head, chewing on his lower lip. Oh he knew. He knew too well. 

“I’m not ready to see him because I think I’d just yell at him to pull his head out of his arse and look at all the damage he’s doing to himself and the people around him.” Harry paused to take in a deep breath. “But, it’s Christmas soon and he’s in rehab, so that must count for something?” 

“You don’t have to see him if you’re not ready, Haz. Trust me, it was hard for me to be around him during the times where I realised he had been high while at home.” 

“Is it wrong that I don’t trust that rehab is going to work? I want to, I do, but…but it hasn’t so far. I’m just waiting for the call that he left again.” 

Remus was silent for a while, not sure what to say. He felt the same. Teddy had been in rehab longer this time, and he wasn’t planning on leaving until he felt ready, but he worried for the same call. 

“I think we just have to try to keep going everyday. There’s moments where I don’t trust him either, but it feels different this time.” Remus shrugged. “But who knows, maybe I’m delusional about all of this too.” 

“You seem to be pretty stable, you know…given everything.” 

“Oh kid,” Remus sighed. “It hasn’t been easy on me or Sirius, we just don’t like to let on around others.” 

“Are you two okay?” Worry flooded Harry’s face but Remus quickly reassured him. 

“Yes, we’re okay. It’s just been hard on us. We’ve fought more the last year than we have in our entire fifteen years together. The stress and confusion and uncertainty of it all is maddening.” Remus paused. “That’s just to say, it’s okay that you’re feeling frustrated and doubtful. I feel the same way most days, too.” 

“I can’t stand seeing him high, Remus…I really can’t. I feel like my actual brother is dead and I miss him.” Harry looked down at James’, the little boy finally dozing off. 

Sirius had said similar things to him all those years ago when Regulus had reached out. He would cry that the real Regulus was dead and the current Regulus was just a ghost of his brother. Remus didn’t know what to say then, and he didn’t know what to say now. He didn’t get it at the time, but he understood now. Harry lost a brother, and Remus lost a son. 

*

“And here’s what I drew yesterday. They really like art therapy here. I feel bad for a lot of the guys, because they have no desire to draw, but I like it. I feel like my addiction took my passion for art away, but I’m slowly getting it back.” 

Teddy confidently referring to himself as an addict was new, but refreshing to hear. It was three days into January and Teddy was looking and behaving more like himself than he had in years. He had a different way of viewing himself and his addiction, he was making good connections here, he was constantly in contact with Kit again, he called Remus and Sirius every night, and he even rekindled his relationship with Harry. That was still a slow process, but Harry had come to visit for the first time two days ago, and he and Teddy spent the entire day together talking. 

“This is phenomenal, Teds.” Sirius looked at the drawing. It was of a boy, Remus assumed Teddy, staring at some dark, blob of a monster. It had sharp teeth and long nails, with ribbons coming from his body and wrapping around the boy. 

“It’s me and my addiction,” Teddy explained. “We were supposed to draw what our addictions felt like. Most people just drew some shitty stick figures, but I thought I’d use my talent for something cool…” Teddy took the photo back and set it on his desk. “I really miss creating. When I’m out of here, I want to go back to focusing on my art.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. I’m talented and I wasted so much of my time on the wrong things. I mean, why the fuck was I shooting up to pass time? It’s kind of ridiculous looking back on it all now.” 

Teddy got into moods like this, where he couldn’t believe why he did drugs in the first place. He’d talk about it as if it happened years ago, that it was a one time thing, and that he’d never be stupid enough to try it again. It scared Remus, sometimes, to hear him talk like this, because it allowed him to get his own hopes up. Teddy acted like this now, but he so quickly flipped to the other side of the spectrum. The one where he cried and said how he missed drugs. How some days he felt he’d never truly get better. 

Today was a good day though, and that’s all that really mattered. 

*

“My therapist says I have bipolar disorder.” 

“Oh?” Remus fiddled with a pen on his desk. 

“Yeah she says that bipolar and addiction go hand in hand a lot of the time. She says I have episodes, which is why sometimes I get really really elevated and passionate, to the point of not being able to sleep. When I was living alone, I’d have periods of time where I couldn’t do anything but draw. I’d draw and then walk around the neighborhood until the sun rose and then go back to drawing, feeling like I had the best ideas in the entire world. I’d feel like I had all the energy in the universe, which made me want to do drugs to keep the high going. Then I’d crash, and fall into a depressive episode. She said that drugs heighten both these feelings and makes my highs higher and my lows lower. But, the highs feel so good so…you know…drugs. The drugs also help stabilize me. They keep me from going too high or too low, if I can manage it right…but…well…clearly I can’t,” Teddy chuckled awkwardly. 

“And how do you feel about it?” 

“I mean…it sort of makes sense. I feel like my brain is all over the place. Most of the time I feel stable, but I snap so easily. I always figured it was just because of the drugs, but it makes sense it may be something else, too. That’s the whole reason I started smoking in school, to help with my anxiety. I guess I’ve been in these patterns longer than I thought.”  

Remus hummed, not disagreeing with the diagnosis. He wouldn’t have thought bipolar, but it made sense upon reflection. When Teddy was elevated, either happy or agitated, he was elevated. Then there were the times that they couldn’t get him to leave his room. Remus assumed it was strictly drugs, but it did make sense there was something bigger going on too. It hurt to hear though, that Teddy had been suffering through all of this for all these years without proper support. If Remus knew, he would’ve helped to find him a therapist and a doctor to prescribe him medication. Maybe if he had done that, then Teddy wouldn’t—

Remus cut off his line of thinking. It was not his fault. Not his fault. Not his fault. 

“They put me on medication a few days ago. I just wasn’t ready to talk about it with anyone, but I think it’s going to help.” 

“Thank you for telling me, Bug. Do you want me to tell Sirius?” 

“Nah, I’m going to call him later and tell him myself.” 

“Okay,” Remus said, exhaustion weighing him down. He only had five minutes left of his lunch break, then two more hours of teaching, and then a parent-teacher meeting after. He just wanted to go home and sleep. “Teddy?” 

“Hm?” 

“I’m so proud of you.”

“Dad, c’mon—” 

“No, I am. I’m proud of you for going to rehab and staying there. I’m proud of you for talking openly about your mental health and being open to taking meds. I know none of this is easy for you, and…I’m just proud. And I miss you. I can’t wait to have you back home when you’re ready.”

“I miss you too, Dad. Really. I…I’m feeling better. I think…I don’t know, I think I could get out of here pretty soon.”

The words sent a shiver down his spine, and Remus had to slowly exhale. Once he was out, he’d have access to everything again. He’d have the freedom to leave. To relapse. To fall back into old habits. Remus would be on edge again, fearing Teddy would disappear and not return home.

“Just focus on recovery, okay? We can talk about the rest later.” Remus glanced over at the clock hanging on his wall. “I have to go, but I’ll talk to you later, okay?” 

“Okay. I love you.” 

“I love you too, Teds.” 

*

“Teddy was happy to see you,” Remus said, leaning back on the uncomfortable dining chair. 

“Yeah, I feel guilty for not visiting earlier. He’s been in rehab for five months but…” 

“It’s hard.” 

“It’s hard,” Tonks agreed, fiddling with her straw wrapper. “He seems to be doing better…looks better, at least.” 

“I think he is. Sometimes I find it hard to trust what he says though. I feel like I’ve heard him say these things over and over again.” 

“At least we know he’s not using.” 

“But what happens when he gets out?” 

Tonks didn’t have an answer. She leaned back in her own chair and met Remus’ eyes with a sad look. 

Tonks was staying in town for the weekend, since she wouldn’t be able to visit for his actual birthday. She had a work trip planned, but didn’t want to go without seeing him before she was gone. Their baby was almost twenty one, a milestone Remus couldn’t fathom reaching. His little boy, twenty one years old. 

“How are you, anyway? Haven’t caught up in a while.” 

“Nothing new to report. I’ve just been focused on teaching and being an old man.” 

“You aren’t old, Remus.” Tonks laughed, shaking her head. She was a year younger than him, almost forty. She looked so much younger though, far too young to have been married, divorced, and now celebrating her son’s twenty-first birthday. 

“I’m nearly forty-one.” 

“You have this crisis every year. I remember you freaking out on your twenty-first birthday about being old.” 

“I know, now imagine how much I’m freaking out now.” Remus smirked. 

“How’s Sirius? Busy today?” 

“Yes, he wanted me to tell you he’s not purposefully ditching, he’s just busy with work. Some news outlet did an article on some of his art and he’s been over flooded with new commissions. A local museum in town asked him to paint a mural for their entryway, so that’s been taking most of his time. He’s good though, happy.” 

“Good, Rem. I’m glad to see you both doing well, you deserve it.” 

“Getting sappy on me?” 

“A little, blame it on old age.” She gasped dramatically and threw her balled up straw wrapper at Remus. 

*

“Happy Birthday, Teds!” 

Teddy laughed awkwardly, and Remus could picture the way his cheeks were turning red. He hated the attention, had ever since he was a little kid. 

“Thanks, Dad.” 

“How does it feel?” 

“Feels the same as twenty so far, but the day is young.” 

“Sirius and I have some gifts for you, we’ll bring them on Saturday for family day, okay?” 

“Thanks, Dad. You didn’t have to get me anything.” 

“That’s a ridiculous statement and you know it.” Remus grinned down the line. He was sitting out on the back porch, Lady lounging by his feet lazily and Clementine sniffing around the plants as if she hadn’t ever seen them before. He pet the top of Lady’s head, ignoring the way age was getting to her. She moved slower, had a limp in her step, and grey fur took over her entire face. A sign time was moving. 

“Can I talk to you about something?” 

“Anything.” 

“I uh…I’m ready to come home.” 

“Oh?” 

“Yeah. I’ve been doing really well on my meds and my cravings are….well, easier to manage. They’re not as strong and I’ve found some great tools to help me move past them. The therapists here agree I’m doing better and Kit said he thinks it’s a good idea.” 

“And how do you feel?” 

“I feel ready. I really do. I…I feel better. I want to stay better.” 

“If this is what you want, then we’ll support you, of course. You have a room waiting for you here.”

Teddy was silent for a while, but Remus didn’t push him to talk. For once, the worry of him coming home didn’t flood his system. He didn’t feel as scared to welcome his boy back. Though it scared him to admit it, he trusted Teddy this time. Trusted that he wanted to stay clean. 

“I want to keep living. I don’t want the drugs to take anything else away from me. I’ve missed so much and…and I’m ready to start living, again. I want to get a proper job and have proper friends, maybe even try dating. I want to move back out on my own, prove I can do it.” 

“Teds, that’s wonderful.” 

“You don’t think it’s ridiculous?” 

“No? Why would I?” 

“I don’t know…I’m a mess most of the time and I’m an addict and…and I’ve broken your trust so much. I’ve broken everyone’s trust.”

“You have, yes,” Remus sighed. “But we all love you, and we all want you here. Happy and alive. If you’re ready to come back, then I’m ready to welcome you back.” 

“Okay…” 

“You let us know the date, okay? We’ll come pick you up.” 

“Okay, Dad. I love you.” 

“I love you too, Bug. More than anything.” 

*

Teddy came home a week after their call. He looked like his old self, and yet like a completely different person. He had gained weight, his cheeks were full, he had color in his skin, his clothes didn’t hang off him in the same ways they did when he was using. He looked healthy. He looked how a twenty one year old should look. 

“Your hair!” Sirius gasped, a smile on his face as Teddy walked over to them.

He dropped his bag to the ground to hug Sirius. Sirius hugged him for a moment before pulling back and running his hands over Teddy’s freshly buzzed hair. 

“Fresh start.”

“Fresh start,” Sirius agreed with a smile. 

He turned to Remus next, Remus pulling him into a tight hug. 

“Welcome home, Teddy.” 

Notes:

(this is one of the last happy chapters......sowwy)

Chapter 12: this life I have

Summary:

chapter title is from "this life I have" by the wrecks, which is....THE beautiful boy teddy lupin song

“Is that Teddy?” Harry ran into the room, grinning down at Remus’ phone. “Hi! How is Paris?” 

“Hey!” Teddy smiled. “Good, yeah! I definitely should’ve practiced French more before going. Everything we learned in school has left my head.” 

“I told you you should’ve let Sirius help you with lessons,” Remus teased, moving over on the couch so Harry could sit next to him. “He is French, after all.” 

“Oh please, as if he ever speaks it.” 

“Oh I know one place he speaks it—” Harry began but Remus cut him off with a shush and reddening cheeks. 

“Excuse me, I am sitting right here.” 

“And you and Sirius are very loud,” Harry added, causing Teddy to burst into laughter. 

Remus groaned and handed the phone to Harry. “Talk to your brother. I’m leaving before I have to hear anything else.” 

Harry grabbed the phone and jumped right into conversation, Remus leaving the two of them to be. 

It was August now and Teddy had been in Paris for nearly a month. After coming back home, he found a part time job helping tutor some siblings of Remus’ students. It wasn’t the best paying job, but it helped him save up and gave him the confidence that he had control over his life again. 

He ended up in connection with some artist his age who lived in Paris and was looking for a partner to illustrate for his company. Teddy applied and, a few weeks later, found himself in Paris. 

The hug goodbye in the airport was harder than anything Remus had had to do in a long time, but he knew this was for the best. Teddy was loving his life. He was not only creating art, but getting paid for it. It reminded him of Sirius when they were younger, and the way he cried when he got his first proper, big commission from a client.  

He seemed happy where he was and, surprisingly, Remus didn’t feel worried. 

*

“I can’t believe we haven’t visited Paris in the last ten years,” Sirius said as he gazed out Teddy’s bedroom window. 

“Because it’s a tourist trap.”

“Well, sure. But I’m a tourist at this point, so.” Sirius spun around and Remus chuckled. 

“It’s just annoying having to do everyday things and push my way through people who don’t know the culture or who are so clearly American…like…painfully so.” 

“Never thought I’d hear the day where my son is complaining about living in Paris,” Remus teased, no bite behind his words. 

“Normally I love it, I do, but sometimes it’s a lot.” 

“Are you thinking of moving back?” 

“Not yet, no. I like my job and I’m making friends. I uh…” Teddy blushed deeply, gazing down at his feet. “I’ve sort of been seeing this girl. I don’t even know if we’re officially dating, but I’d like to be.” 

“Oh?” Remus perked up at this. Teddy hadn’t really talked about potential partners before. With everything else going on, Remus assumed his dating life took a backseat. “What’s she like?” 

“Her name is Victoire. She’s from France and is studying art at one of the schools here. We met at a busy coffee shop while I was getting some work done. There was nowhere to sit so she asked if she could share my table and…yeah…” Teddy had a grin on his face and he refused to look Remus and Sirius in the eye. 

“She sounds lovely, Teds. I have my fingers crossed for the both of you, and we’d love to meet her sometime.” 

“Oh! We’re not uh…no, we’re not there yet! I mean, I’m not keeping her from you, I just—” 

“Hey, kid,” Sirius interrupted with a chuckle. “It’s fine, no need to explain. Whenever you’re ready, if that’s something you both want, yeah?” 

“Yeah.” Teddy let out a breath and walked to his bed, plopping down onto the mattress next to Remus. “I actually need to talk to both of you about something.” 

Oh God. Drugs. He was on drugs. He had relapsed. Letting him go to Paris was a mistake. A stupid, fucking, big mistake that—

“What’s going on?” Sirius asked, chewing on his lower lip, just like he always did when he was either concentrating or nervous. 

“I uh….I don’t really think I’m…” Teddy paused, his gaze lingering on his feet again. “I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t really feel like I’m totally a boy.” 

Oh. 

Remus’ heart sped up at the words and he resisted the urge to reach out and pull Teddy into his arms. 

“I’m not a girl either! Not at all. I…I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m less than a boy or…or a boy mixed with something else. I’ve been playing around with he/they pronouns the last couple of weeks and it feels nice.” 

“Oh, Teds.” Remus sighed and wanted to cry for some reason. How long had they been keeping this? Did he feel he couldn’t talk to them? Sirius, out of all people, would understand. 

“I’m fine, really. It’s not like some huge emotional thing that’s been weighing me down. Just kinda in the back of my mind and then I moved here and…and I just had more time to think about it.” Teddy finally looked up and met Remus’ eyes. “I don’t even know if I’m really…nonbinary, though. I mean, I think I am, but everything just feels so jumbled up in my head all the time. Being bipolar makes my thoughts jump back and forth and I’m scared it may just be that. But, gender dysphoria isn’t normally a side effect of bipolar? I don’t really know. I’m just confused—” 

Teddy was cut off by Sirius coming forward and pulling them into his arms. 

“Teddy, whatever it is, we love and support you. If you want to try different pronouns, then we will use those for you.” 

Remus saw Teddy physically deflate in Sirius’ arms, their arms coming to wrap around Sirius. Remus reached over and put his hand on their shoulder, giving it a tight squeeze. 

“And if you decide in a week from now that you want to only use he/him, then that’s okay too.” 

“Thank you,” Teddy whispered, his voice small. So small. 

*

“Happy one year!” Remus was tempted to buy streamers or a party popper, but Sirius had talked him off the ledge. Teddy wouldn’t like that, he was never one for attention. 

Talking about his addiction was already a touchy subject, something that was best discussed if led by Teddy. Sometimes if Remus asked how they were, they’d snap. Sometimes, he’d be open to talking about it. Today was special though. Today marked one full year of sobriety. One year since Remus and Sirius found Teddy beaten up and bloody in the alleyway. Remus still had nightmares about that night and the way Teddy looked. He’d wake up sweating and his entire body would shake until he could remind himself that his kid was safe and alive.

“Thanks, Dad,” Teddy said, a small smile on his face. He looked tired, more so than normal. Teddy had complained about not sleeping well the last few days, but this looked worse than normal sleep issues. 

“Any plans today?”

“I was going to go to a meeting, and then call Kit. Victoire and Mael are taking me out for dinner too, but it’s going to be a lowkey thing. I feel weird with all the attention.” 

“I know, Bug, but this is huge! It’s something worth celebrating.” 

“It’s not that big of a deal.” Teddy shrugged off his words and began fiddling with a pen on his desk. 

“Are you okay, you—” 

“Hey, I should probably go. I don’t want to be late for the meeting,” Teddy quickly cut Remus off, plastering a smile on their face. “Thanks for calling. I’ll ring you and Sirius later, okay? Kiss the dogs hello for me.” 

“I will.” Remus frowned for a brief moment, not sure what was happening. Had he said something? Teddy wasn’t normally this odd about recovery talk. “I love y—” 

Before Remus could get the words out, the call ended and Remus’ phone went black in his hand. 

*

“Teddy is using again,” Remus said into the quiet room, his face buried in Sirius’ neck. The other man stirred slightly, but Remus wasn’t sure if he was actually awake. “I know he is.”

“What’s the matter?” Sirius asked, his words slurred together. 

“Teddy is using.” Remus wasn’t sure why he was choosing now to announce his worries, but it was keeping him up and he needed it off his chest. Off his consciousness. He couldn’t live with himself if he kept his suspicions bundled away. 

“What?” Sirius rolled over, nearly bonking heads with how close he was to Remus. “How do you know?” 

“I just do. He’s—”

“Baby—”

“Sirius, listen to me. I think—”

“It’s the middle of the night, Remus. You’re freaked out, and that’s fair, but you can’t jump to him relapsing every time you get worried.” 

“I’m not jumping to conclusions. You should’ve seen him on call earlier. He seemed weird and distant, and he didn’t seem excited about his one year.” 

“He’s just weird about celebrations and attention. That’s how they’ve always been.” 

“I know, but—”

“Remus, you need to talk to a therapist.” 

Remus froze at this. Why was Sirius being so dismissive? Did he know something that Remus didn’t? Did Teddy tell him something? 

“You think I’m crazy, I’m not crazy.” Remus began to push away from Sirius, causing the other man to sigh. 

“I don’t think you’re crazy.” He made an attempt to grab Remus’ arm, but Remus batted him away as he pulled the sheets off himself. “I think you’re worried and have experienced a lot of trauma around all of this. Which, trust me, I get. I’m worried too, but Teddy is fine. They told us that they’re fine, and we need to trust him.” 

“I don’t trust him.” 

“I know, and it’s driving you mad.” Sirius rubbed his eyes, pathetically reaching a hand out. “Please come back to bed.” 

“No…” Remus shook his head and pulled open his nightstand drawer. He patted around blindly before pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. “No, I need fresh air.” 

“Love, it’s the middle of—” 

“I know what time it is!” Remus snapped. Normally he’d feel bad, but right now he didn’t have it in him to apologize. You need to talk to a therapist. Sirius didn’t believe him, but when had Remus ever been wrong? 

*

The weeks passed slowly and October bled to November, past Sirius’ birthday, and back to the Christmas season. Teddy was supposed to come home and spend the holiday with them, but they had been calling less and less the last few weeks. Remus’ suspicions were higher than ever, but he felt ashamed to admit them out loud. Ever since the weird argument in the middle of the night, Remus hadn’t wanted to bring up his fears. Remus and Sirius were okay, they always were, but Remus also needed to be taken seriously and he didn’t think Sirius could do that. Not when they didn’t have any actual evidence Teddy might be using. 

“Hi, Dad!” Teddy had a wide smile on his face when the FaceTime call connected. His hair was messy and he had paint smeared on his cheek. “Sorry I haven’t called the last few days, I’ve been swamped with work. Victoire showed off my art to some of her classmates and one of them commissioned me for this huge painting. It’s really cool, I’ll send you photos. I feel a little under qualified, but I need money, so it’s okay!” Teddy was talking a hundred miles a minute and Remus had to keep his smile from wavering. Before he could say anything, Teddy was talking again. 

“Mael has been taking me out to these clubs almost every night, too. I didn’t really explore a lot of the night life in Paris when I moved, you know, for obvious reasons, but now I’m feeling great! I feel secure and stable and I’m not going to just relapse just because some random guy in the bathroom next to me is, ya know? It’s a really great feeling.” 

“That’s great, Teds. H—” 

“The night life here is crazy though. You’ll have to ask Sirius if it was like this when he was younger. I bet he has wild stories. Not that you didn’t have a wild childhood too, but you know…Sirius probably did more.” Teddy finally took a breath. “Was that rude? Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to be rude.” “

“Did you stop taking your meds?” The question slipped out before Remus could stop himself. 

“What? No? Why would you say that? I’m just in a good mood. I’m allowed to be in a good mood.” 

“I know you are, I just wanted to check. You…” Remus glanced away from the screen, trying to gather the right words. “You just seem very energized, and you’re not normally like this.” 

“I’m fine! God, you never just let me live. I am taking my meds, have been since they were prescribed. I’m allowed to have days where I’m not…” They paused and waved their hand around in the air. “Perfect.” 

“No one is asking you to be perfect, Bug. I’m your dad, it’s literally my job to worry.” 

“Well, you don’t need to worry about me. Not anymore.” 

Remus could laugh at the words. 

*

“Teddy isn’t coming for Christmas…” Harry strode back into the room, flopping down onto the couch. 

Remus and Sirius both perked up, twisting their bodies to face their son. 

“What? Why? They’re supposed to fly home tomorrow!” 

“I know,” Harry sighed, and flung his head back so it rested on the top of the sofa cushion. “I just got off the phone with them.” 

“Why the hell isn’t he coming home?” Sirius’ face steadily grew red, his anger normally easily concealed. Years of therapy and growing older had eased his inner child anger that he had repressed for so many years. He looked furious now. “He wasn’t here last year, that was hard enough. He’s supposed to be here this year!” 

“Sirius—” 

“No! No. What could possibly be more important than spending Christmas with his family?” 

“They relapsed.” 

Remus' ears began to ring, his eyesight growing dizzy. 

Relapse. Relapse. Relapse. 

He knew it. He fucking knew it. All these weeks. All the arguments. Teddy’s weird up and down moods. He fucking knew it and he did nothing to help. 

“That’s why he called me. They didn’t want to talk to either of you about it, but he asked me to pass on the news.” 

“What did he take?” Sirius asked. The anger was replaced by anguish. They had been here too many times before. They knew how this ended. 

“Didn’t say.” Harry closed his eyes, taking in a deep, slow breath. “Just told me that he relapsed two nights ago at some party. Victoire wanted to try, what I’m assuming is, meth and he couldn’t say no. They told me it was a one time thing and that he feels really bad about it—” 

“He always feels fucking bad about it—” Sirius butt in, but Harry kept talking. 

“And he said you were going to be pissed, so he was scared to tell you. They were crying to me and just kept saying it was over and done.” 

“I don’t get why this means he can’t come home for Christmas?” 

“I don’t really know. I think he feels embarrassed and that he won’t be welcome home.” 

“Of course he’d be welcomed home! When have we ever not welcomed him home? After years of dealing with their bullshit—” Sirius stood up and this snapped Remus out of his daze. “This is fucking insane.” 

Both Harry and Remus tried to stand at the same time, but Sirius was already halfway to the door. 

“Where are you going?” 

“I don’t know!” Sirius threw his hands up and Remus knew better than to chase after him. He needed space to cool down and being coddled wouldn’t help. “I’ll be back later.” And with that, he left, shutting the door a little too harshly behind him for Remus’ liking. 

“Should we go after him?” Harry sunk back down onto the couch, looking at Remus with wide eyes. He hadn’t been around recently to witness all of their changing moods. Remus, for once, was grateful he didn’t still live at home. 

“No.” Remus shook his head. “No, he’ll be okay. He needs space to cool off. Things have been tense and…” Remus sighed, feeling oddly ashamed. Wasn’t his job as a husband to help his partner during hardships? Was Remus cruel to let him walk away? “He just needs some space.” Just a little space. 

*

They didn’t talk about Teddy’s relapse, no matter how badly Remus wanted to. The next time they called, the day after Christmas, Teddy just mumbled a quick apology and that was that. They didn’t open up the conversation to talk about it and, quite frankly, Remus didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t listen to the broken record of Teddy apologizing and promising to never do it again. 

Two days into the New Year, they got a text from Teddy saying: Hey, I’m ready to come home. 

Neither Sirius nor Remus asked any questions and instead immediately helped Teddy book a flight back home. Remus wasn’t sure he was ready to have Teddy under their roof again, but wasn’t it a good sign they made the initiative to move out of a space that constantly put them at risk for relapsing? Didn’t that say something? 

The first night back, Teddy awkwardly came into Sirius and Remus’ bedroom, their hair wet from a shower. 

Without saying anything, Remus patted the empty space on the bed next to him. Sirius was still in the shower, leaving Remus and Teddy alone for a few minutes. 

“Thanks for letting me come home.” 

“You’re always welcome home.” 

“I know. I just hate that I keep fucking up,” Teddy mumbled, sitting awkwardly on the edge of the mattress. He picked at some fuzz on the duvet cover, averting his gaze from Remus. “I wish I could be better.” 

“You will be, Bug. You’re taking the first step.” 

“I don’t want to have to keep taking it.” 

“You don’t have to. You have the power to stop this, Teddy. Only you.” 

Teddy opened his mouth to speak, but closed it quickly. Remus wanted to urge him to speak his authentic truth, to just be honest, but they were censoring themself. 

“I’m going to start going to daily meetings again.” 

“That’s a good idea.” 

“Do you think you and Sirius would want to join sometime? It’s not uncommon for family members or partners or even friends to join meetings now and again.” 

“We’ll go, yes. Just let us know when, okay?” 

“Thanks,” Teddy mumbled. “Sometimes it’s easier to be honest with myself when I see you in the room. I…I can see the actual people I’m hurting and the impact I’ve made.” 

Remus didn’t know what to say to that. He hummed, but couldn’t get words to leave his mouth. 

“I know that sounds stupid. I’m—” 

“It’s not stupid, Teddy. It makes sense, but it also makes me sad. You hurting makes me sad.” 

“I don’t mean to make you sad, Dad. Really. I’m trying to get better. I’m going to get better. It was just the one time, I promise you.” 

“I’ve heard that before, Teddy.” 

“I know, but I mean it this time. I’m going to get better.”

“The thing is, I’ve heard that before too.” It hurt to say and it hurt to see Teddy’s face sink, but it had to be said. It was the truth. If Remus wanted Teddy to be open and honest with him, he had to do the same with Teddy. 

Before Teddy could say anything, the door to the bathroom swung open and Sirius came striding out in nothing but an oversized t-shirt and boxers. Half the time he came out naked, so Remus was grateful he had clothes on. The last thing any of their family needed was more trauma. 

“Slumber party?” 

“Maybe so.” Remus gave Sirius a tender smile. 

“Scoot,” Sirius said to Teddy, gently pushing him closer to Remus and in the middle of the bed, so he could lay in his spot. 

The bed was not big enough for the three of them, but it didn’t deter them from trying to lay comfortably. 

Teddy snuggled into Remus' side, resting their head on Remus’ shoulder. They would most definitely fall asleep like this, but Remus didn’t mind. One night of shit sleep was worth a night of togetherness. 

“I think Victoire is going to move here.” 

“Really? Are you two getting serious?” 

“I mean…I don’t know what constitutes as serious, but I really like her. Love her, even. She has some friends in the city and she’s been wanting to move from France for a while.” 

“That’d be great, Teds.” Sirius said and reached over to stroke through Teddy’s damp curls. “She’s welcome over anytime.” 

“Okay,” Teddy yawned, snuggling down further into bed. “I won’t fall asleep. I’m just going to lay here for a few minutes.” 

Remus knew he was lying, but for once he welcomed it. 

*

“Dadadada!” James squealed, walking around the room clumsily. Every so often he’d stumble, but he was getting better at catching himself. 

“Yes, baby, I am still right here,” Harry said from the floor, mindlessly playing with blocks. 

Teddy chuckled, tossing a block at Harry’s head, causing Harry to fall to the floor dramatically. James squealed again and hobbled over to the scene, falling directly onto Harry. He burst into a fit of cute baby giggles. Harry tickled his sides and wrapped his arms around his little boy. 

“It’s insane that you’re a dad,” Teddy said, shaking their head. 

“It’s insane that I’m a grandpa,” Remus added, glancing up from his computer.
      He had recently decided to start writing again. His therapist, who he had been seeing for a month now, told him it may be good for him to engage in activities he used to find pleasurable. For the last two years, Remus’ whole life has been work, Teddy’s addiction, being a father, and being a partner. That’s not to say he hasn’t enjoyed his life, because he has, but he did admit he hadn’t fully been putting himself first. 

So, writing. 

He had always dreamed of writing a book, but he didn’t think it would ever be a reality. Scrapping the idea, he found himself able to enjoy writing more now that the pressure for perfection was gone. He was having fun coming up with characters that were flawed and writing plots with holes so big, the characters could fall into them. 

“Yeah, that makes you ancient,” Harry said, which earned another block tossed at his head, this time from Remus. 

“I did not come here to be bullied.” 

“Yes, but that’s how we show our love!” Harry grinned, sitting up and letting go of James. 

“Love,” James repeated, resuming his steps around the room. 

“Exactly, James. Love,” Remus said with a tease in his voice. “It’s alright, I need to head out of here soon anyway. It’s date night.” Remus shut the computer, setting it to the side. 

“Ooooh!” Teddy grinned. “A hot new babe?!” 

“Oh I bet he’s smoking,” Harry added, matching Teddy’s smile. 

“Oh he is. Forty two and somehow getting sexier and sexier by the day.” 

Both Teddy and Harry groaned at this. 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Remus stood up with a small groan, pain shooting up his legs. 

Another new development was the worsening of his arthritis. He had had it for so many years and, for the most part, took care of it, but it was flaring up more and more by the passing month. His doctor suggested knee braces and maybe even a cane, but he was having a hard time accepting he needed the aids. 

“Are you okay?” Teddy’s eyebrows furrowed in genuine concern, all humor slipping from their tone. 

“Yes,” Remus winced and did his best to shake his leg out, though the pain still radiated. “Doctor said I’m fine.” 

“You don’t look fine—” 

“Well I am.” Remus’ words came out a bit snappier than he liked, so he forced a smile on his face. “Just a bad day, but I am fine. Teddy, do you need a ride home from your meeting tonight?” 

“No, but also I won’t be home tonight. I’m going to Victoire’s. Now that she’s fully settled in, she’s hosting a few of her friends over for a game night.” 

“Alright, just text me at some point so I know you’re alive, yeah?” 

Teddy mock saluted him. 

“Alright, where is the little James monster?” Remus grinned, walking around the couch to see James sitting happily on the floor, playing with one of his plastic giraffes. “Goodbye, my love. Don’t give your daddy too hard of a time, okay?” 

“Bye pa-pa!” James looked up at Remus with a wide grin and suddenly all his pain melted away. 

*

“Are you sure this was a good idea?” Sirius asked, his face buried into Remus’ sweater clad chest. It was the start of March so the mornings on the farm were still quite cold, even if the afternoons were warming up. 

Remus grumbled in response, his hand running through Sirius’ knotted morning hair. 

James had been up since at least 6am, if the noises in the kitchen were anything to judge by, and the animals had been extra loud throughout the night. Normally Remus could sleep through it, but it kept him up last night. 

“Ma’s happy.” 

“She is,” Sirius agreed. 

For Remus and Teddy’s upcoming birthdays, Hope had requested the family come to visit. If Harry came, James had to come, which meant Ginny was coming, and now that Teddy was dating Victoire, the invite was extended to her as well. She was a lovely girl, and Remus adored her and Teddy together, but it was a lot of people. And, well, Remus would be lying if he said he wasn’t feeling some symptoms of only child syndrome kicking in. Although almost forty two, he still craved his mother’s affection. Her attention was divided between eight people and a lot of animals this time around. 

“There’s a lot of people in this house.” 

“There is,” Sirius agreed again. He lifted his head up to place a kiss on the underside of Remus’ jaw. “May I interest you with some pleasurable distraction?” Sirius murmured, his hands snaking down Remus’ chest. 

Remus perked up at this, his cock twitching at the prospect of a morning blowjob. 

“Yes,” He whispered. One of the good things with a full house was the amount of noise. Noise that would be conveniently covering up the noises coming from Remus’ bedroom. 

Sirius sank down Remus’ body, wasting no time in pulling his boxers down. He licked a strip up Remus’ length before swallowing him down whole, all while making eye contact. 

“God, Sirius. That’s obscene,” Remus moaned, careful not to be too loud. 

Sirius hummed around his cock, sending shivers down Remus' spine. He reached down and tangled his hand in Sirius’ hair, tugging in just the way he knew Sirius loved. 

It didn’t take long before Remus was coming down Sirius’ throat, his husband milking him for everything he had. It wasn’t until he began to grow soft that Sirius finally released him, pulling away with a string of spit attached to the tip of Remus’ cock. 

“C’mere.” 

Sirius moved his body up, swinging a leg over Remus’ lap. 

“What do you want?” Remus whispered, his hands coming to rest on either side of Sirius’ waist. He squeezed gently, Sirius humming in positive response. He leaned down to give Remus a few languid kisses. Remus could taste himself on Sirius’ tongue and the sensation was enough to send another shock of pleasure through his body.

“I want your mouth on my pussy,” Sirius whispered against Remus’ mouth. Remus bit down on Sirius’ lower before pulling apart and pushing his own body down. 

“Take a seat.” He raised a questioning brow at Sirius. 

He hadn’t seen Sirius move that fast in a long time. He stripped from his boxers and tossed them blindly to the side before he resumed the straddling position, this time with his thighs on either side of Remus face. 

“Ready?” Sirius’ body hovered over Remus’ face and Remus was nearly drooling with anticipation of the taste of his partner. 

He nodded and Sirius sank down slowly, his hands gripping the headboards as Remus hands came up to grip each of his thighs, pulling them apart to get better access. 

With his nose buried in Sirius’ coarse hair, he let his tongue explore Sirius’ cunt until the man above him was silently whimpering. The pressure on his face grew and soon Sirius was tilting his head back, a hand covering mouth, as he ground down onto Remus’ face and rode out his orgasm. 

Sirius let go of the headboard and rolled off of Remus, his body falling limply to the bed. 

Remus wiped his face clear of wetness, grinning up at the ceiling. 

Maybe this weekend wouldn’t be so bad after all. 

*

“I’m going to a meeting, can I take your car?” Teddy was standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame. 

“Yes,” Sirius responded, not looking up from his phone. 

Next to him, Remus looked over at his child.

“It’s a little late for a meeting, no?” It was nearly 9:30, and Remus couldn’t recall Teddy ever being out this late for a meeting before. 

“Yeah, I’m going to the last meeting of the night.” 

“Is everything okay?” Sirius asked, setting his phone down. 

“Mhm.” Teddy plastered a smile on their face. “Just feel I need a meeting tonight.” 

“Let me drive you,” Remus offered, pulling back the covers. 

“No, no! It’s fine.” Teddy shook their head and Remus slowly sank back down. “I don’t know when it’ll end and there’s a high chance I’m going to stay late to talk with some of the people going. They like to go out for fast food after.” 

“Okay. Will you text one of us when you’re leaving the meeting? Just so we know you’re safe.” 

“Of course,” Teddy said, turning to leave. A moment later they stuck his head back through the door. “I love you both!” 

“Love you,” Both Sirius and Remus said at the same time. 

Remus waited until Teddy was out the door before he turned to Sirius. 

“Since when do they have meetings this late?” 

“I was wondering the same thing…” Sirius mumbled and reached for his phone again. 

*

Remus was dozing off when he heard the sound of the front door opening and closing. Sirius had already passed out next to him and Teddy was supposed to be in his room. For a brief moment his brain jumped to house invasion, but then he heard the sound of his car starting up and pulling out of the drive. The sound of crunching gravel rang through his ears as he glanced to the side to read the clock. It was nearly midnight, too late for Teddy to be going anywhere. 

Remus took a deep breath and slowly sank back down into bed. He could not control this. He could not control this. He could not control this—

*

“Sleep well?” Remus forced a smile on his face the next morning as Teddy hobbled into the kitchen. They were dressed in pajamas, their hood pulled over their head. 

“Yeah.” He sat in the chair, resting his cheek in the palm of their hand. 

“Up late?” 

“Not really. Just couldn’t sleep.” 

Remus couldn’t handle the lying. Out of everything, the lying got to him the most. He considered dropping the subject entirely, but Teddy had been back for over three months. If they were using again, Remus needed to know. Teddy couldn’t be here if he was using, that was part of the rules. 

“Where did you go last night?” 

Teddy perked up at this, but quickly neutralized his face. “Nowhere? I was in my room playing video games online with Haz.” 

“You’re lying.” 

“I’m not—” 

“I heard you leaving last night.” 

“Are you fucking spying on me?” Teddy snapped hotly, defensively crossing his arms. 

“Teddy, we’re not doing this again. I’m not spying on you, the car woke me up.” 

“Sure.” They rolled their eyes and pushed themselves up from the table. Lady and Clementine, who were patiently hoping Remus would drop some food scraps, both turned their attention to the scene behind them. 

“You’re not going to start talking to me like this again, Teddy. You told me you were in your room, which you weren’t. Where were you?” 

“I was just going for a drive, okay? I didn’t deem it important enough to wake you up.” 

“You know you’re not supposed to take my car unless you’re going to meetings.” 

“You were asleep!” Teddy shouted and then slowly took in a breath. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t think it mattered. I was only gone for like thirty minutes.” 

Another lie. The car woke Remus up again at 3am when Teddy pulled back to the house. 

“Are you high?”

“God, Dad,” Teddy groaned and turned to leave. 

Remus had had enough. He tossed the half cut apple to the dogs as he walked towards Teddy. He reached a hand out to grab onto Teddy’s arm, preventing them from leaving. 

“You don’t get to make me feel crazy anymore, not for this.” 

“You are being crazy! Let go of me!” Teddy shrugged out of Remus’ grip, which Remus let go of, not wanting to resort to physicalities. 

“Are you high?” 

“No.” 

“Were you high last night?” 

The question hung in the air for too long. Long enough for Remus’ question to be answered without any words. 

Teddy, looking exhausted and almost spiteful, gave Remus a horrid smile. He looked cruel in that moment as he chuckled. 

“Yup! I was high.” They threw their hands up in defeat. “And the night before that! And before that! You want to know what, Dad? I was high for most of my time in Paris.” Teddy laughed and shook their head. “Is that what you wanted to hear?! You were right, you win!”  

“Win?! You think this is a win? I don’t want to be right about this Teddy.” Remus was already going through a mental to do list of things they needed to get done for finding Teddy a new rehab facility. They couldn’t go to the old one and Remus didn’t know of any others nearby. 

The sound of the front door opening and slamming pulled him out of his reverie. 

He glanced to the side and rushed out, following Teddy. He hadn’t even slipped shoes on, instead holding them in their hand as they walked through the grass. 

“Where are you going?!” 

“Far the fuck away from you!” Teddy spat over his shoulder. He shoved two fingers up at Remus before continuing his descent away from the house. 

For once, Remus didn’t have it in him to chase after his boy. 

He sat and watched as Teddy left.

Notes:

I changed the chapter count on this bad boy! I got rid of a chapter because it felt too repetitive to me!

Chapter 13: why do you cry?

Summary:

keep tags in mind going into this chapter!!! it's heavy

DONT listen to fourth of july by sufjan stevens while reading the end :-) (ch. title is from the song)

“Hi Dad!” When Remus didn’t answer, Teddy continued. His voice sounded scratchy and quiet. Remus wondered the last time he ate a proper meal. Slept a full night. Had a shower. Looked in a mirror. 

“I’m just calling to let you know I’m okay. I’m staying at a friend’s house. I’ve been clean for forty eight hours, I’m feeling good.” 

“That’s good, Teddy.” 

None of this was good. Teddy had been gone for four weeks now and they had this conversation at least once a week. Teddy would call either him or Sirius, let them know that he was sober and he was feeling better. Then he’d ask to come home, or for money, and the call would end after they were denied both those things.  

“Now that I’m sober—” Two days. Two days sober. “I was thinking I could come home.” 

“Teddy, you can’t come home.” 

“But I’m sober, Dad! I’m doing better, I feel great already.” 

“Teddy, you need help.” 

“I don’t need help—” 

“You do.” 

“I just need to come home. I’ll feel better at home. Trust me.” 

“You need to get help Teddy. Call your sponsor.” 

“You can help me! Being home will help me, Dad. I miss you and Sirius.”

“We can not help you, Teddy. You need to call your sponsor.”

Teddy hung up before he could say anything else and Remus sunk into his chair, tears welling up in his eyes. 

How many more days would he have to do this? How many more days until his baby came home for good? How long until Teddy was better?

*

He heard his phone buzzing against his desk and he cursed his prior self for not silencing it before class. Kids were easily distracted, especially when it came to a teacher’s private life. His kids just about had a heart attack when they noticed the ring on his finger and asked him all about his “wife”, to which he got to blow their minds further and say he had a husband. 

Normally, he welcomed their excitement and curiosity, but today he cursed it and himself. 

“Mr. Lupin, your phone is buzzing!” Cleo said, raising her hand despite talking out of turn. It was the thought that counted. At the mention of a phone, the kids started getting excited and asking who it was.

“Thank you, Cleo.” He smiled and ignored the rest of the questions. He set the pen down and turned to his desk to grab his phone. 

As he went to flip it on silent, another text came through from Teddy. The fifth one in the last 10 minutes. 

Teddy: Dad, please pick up. I miss you! I want to chat

Teddy: I’m doing better

Teddy: I’m sober!! Two days! 

Teddy: Please pick up. I just need a little help

Teddy: Dad, please. I just need a little money, to help me get back on my feet 

Remus wasn’t going to respond, but he couldn’t help it. His baby needed him. If he couldn’t help, the least he could do was respond. 

Remus: Teds, I can’t give you money. If you want to call about other things, ring me tonight. I’m in class right now. 

Remus hit send and tossed his phone back onto his desk, forcing a smile on his lips as he turned back to his excited students. 

*

Teddy never called that night, or the next, or the next. Remus wasn’t surprised though. Teddy wanted money, they didn’t really miss him. They didn’t want to chat and catch up, they wanted to buy drugs. Sure, he was sober for two days, but they had said that four times since leaving. Their words meant nothing to Remus. 

Remus walked up the steps to his bedroom, ready to strip off his clothes and hop into a warm bath to start his weekend. His body was aching and he started using a cane full time a few days ago. His doctors explained the pain would neither get better nor go away and, though he didn’t necessarily need to, a cane would help ease some of the pain. He was embarrassed by it, though, and it often led to him pushing his body too hard to prove he didn’t need it. 

Alongside his pain, the kids were always extra rowdy on Fridays because it was half days and the start to their weekend too. He was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to sit on the couch and melt away until his alarm went off Monday morning to start his routine all over again. 

“I’m back,” Remus said as he opened the door, setting his cane against the wall. He figured Sirius was in here because his car was parked out front and he wasn’t downstairs. 

Sirius was curled on the bed on his side, his phone laying limply in his hand. Tears were slowly dripping down his cheeks, rolling off his nose and into his mouth. 

“What happened?” Remus rushed over to the bed as Sirius weakly held the phone out for him to grab. 

He punched in Sirius’ code and read the texts that were pulled up on his phone. 

Teddy: Dad isn’t helping me. He’s going to let me die out here. 

Teddy: Please, I just need a little money, Sirius. Just a little. I’ll pay you back, I promise. 

Teddy: I’m sober now!! I just need some money to get back on my feet and away from the place I’m living right now 

Teddy: Dad doesn't understand, but you do. I know you do. 

Remus read the texts over and over again until he made himself feel sick. He placed the phone on the nightstand and crawled into bed behind Sirius. He wrapped his body around the smaller man’s, pulling Sirius into his chest. 

“He’s going to die,” Sirius whispered. “He’s going to die like Regulus died and I’m going to be left here with the same texts on my phone.” 

“He’s not going to die,” Remus responded, squeezing Sirius. He refused to speak it into existence. He refused. Not his baby. Anyone but his baby. 

“I want to help him.” 

“We can’t.” 

“They need us.” 

“I know, but if we give them money the cycle continues.” This conversation was a whole of a lot easier when it was Regulus they were talking about and not Teddy. Like so many years ago, Remus kept his words the same, but his heart ached as he said them. 

“He’s going to die,” Sirius whispered again and again and again until Remus was crying alongside him. 

*

In the end, Remus gave in, like he always did. The texts piled up and he couldn’t keep saying no. He wasn’t going to give Teddy money, he wouldn’t, but he was willing to meet with them. They could talk. Remus needed to see him alive to remind himself that he was still breathing. 

The cafe they agreed to meet in was practically empty besides a few older gentlemen sitting up at the bar and a younger person resting their head on the table in one of the booths. The kid looked young, his baggy clothes swallowing him whole. His leg was bouncing quickly under the table and for a second, Remus considered walking over and asking if he was okay. Where are your parents? 

Remus took a step closer to the boy, freezing when he recognized the same ratty pair of Converse that Teddy owned. The one they’ve had since they were sixteen. The one covered in doodles from Harry, Sirius, and Remus. 

Teddy. 

His baby. 

“Teds?” 

At the sound of their name, Teddy popped his head up and gave Remus a wide smile. 

Remus wanted to vomit at the sight. 

Teddy looked emaciated. His cheeks were sunken in and they had purple bags under their eyes. His hair was flat and dirty and their clothes looked ten sizes too big. They had only been gone for six weeks. Six weeks was all it took to take his kid away from him. 

Remus gave him a small smile and walked over, Teddy jumping up from the booth to give him a hug. Remus was scared if he hugged too tightly, he’d snap Teddy in two. 

“I was going to order us something, but I didn’t know if you were hungry and…well, I don’t really have any money right now.” 

“I can get us something,” Remus responded, setting his cane against the side of the booth. “What do you want?” 

“Oh, I’m okay—” 

“Teddy, let me buy you food.” And let me take you home. 

“Yeah, alright.” Teddy nodded and glanced over to the counter, squinting to try and read the menu. “Maybe just some black coffee and a breakfast sandwich?”

“Okay,” Remus said, and turned to get the food. He wanted to flip around and tell Teddy to stay put, to not run away again. Remus was afraid if he blinked too long, Teddy would be gone. 

He ordered their food and managed to only glance back twice, each time hoping Teddy would look different, but he was always the same. 

He grabbed the sandwich and drink and brought it back over to the table. He set it in front of his kid and eyed him cautiously. 

“Here,” Remus said softly, pushing it closer to them. Please eat. Please. You’re crumbling away.  

Teddy perked up at the sight of food, reaching forward for the coffee first. 

“Where’s Sirius?” 

“He’s stuck watching James right now. Harry and Ginny are both at work and Mrs. Weasley wasn’t able to watch him,” Remus lied. 

Sirius hadn’t wanted to come. He had planned to, but this morning he woke up mid panic attack and had begged Remus to let him stay home. He cried and cried and said he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t sit across from Teddy, because he had already had to do it with Regulus, and he barely survived it then. 

“Oh, he could’ve brought James,” Teddy said with a smile, but it quickly fell when they saw Remus’ grimace. “But, I get it. Yeah, maybe best for James. I’m kinda a mess.” 

A mess. 

“Teddy, why don’t you come home with me, okay? We can get you into some clean clothes and you can sleep in a bed. We can help you.” 

“No.” 

“Teddy—” 

“I’m not going home with you. I’m not going back to rehab.” 

“We don’t have to focus on rehab right now. We can just start with you coming home and having a safe place to rest.” 

“Oh, so you care about my safety now?” Teddy set down his mug, crossing their arms across his chest. 

“Bug, I’ve always cared—” 

“Don’t call me that! No..no, just…” Teddy took in a deep breath and then plastered a smile on his face. “Sorry, I’m a little on edge. I ran out of my medication.” 

Remus had wondered how many days Teddy had left of his meds. He assumed he hadn’t been going to therapy and, as a consequence, was not able to get his medication refilled. Remus wanted to jump in and save the day, to go to the pharmacy and request a refill, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t fix this. He had to let Teddy understand their choices had consequences. 

“It’s good to see you,” Teddy said, reaching to take a bite of his sandwich. 

“It’s good to see you too. Everyone really misses you. James was asking about you.” Remus didn’t like to guilt trip, but he feared it was the only way to get Teddy home. 

“I’m sober, Dad. I’m going to stay sober, go home and see everyone again.” 

“Okay, Teddy.” 

They sat in silence after that. Teddy ate his entire sandwich in record speed and wiped their hands on their dirty jeans. 

“I wanted to ask you something,” Teddy began and Remus knew where this was going. “So, Victoire is trying to move out. Her roommates are awful and her parents live all the way in France. We found a super cheap apartment and they’re willing to let us move in as soon as Saturday. We just need some money.” 

“Teddy—” 

“No, I know. I know. But, I promise it’s for rent. Just for rent. It’ll help me stay sober, to be in a place of my own.” 

“I can’t give you any money.” 

Teddy glared at Remus, seemingly trying to get him to give in. 

“I can’t,” Remus whispered and Teddy pushed himself up from the table. They continued to glare at Remus. 

“Do you even love me?” 

“Teddy…” 

“Do you?!” 

“Of course I love you. That’s why I’m here, isn’t it? Teddy, please just come home.” 

“No!” 

“C’mon—” 

“No! No, you don’t fucking care. You don’t fucking love me.” Teddy shook their head and stormed out, the cafe door slamming behind them. 

Everyone in the cafe turned to look at the scene and Remus muttered his apologies, over and over again. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m—

*

That night, Remus couldn’t sleep. He had his laptop open on his lap, the only light in the room coming from his screen. It burned his eyes, but he couldn’t stop scrolling. 

Chronic use of methamphetamine can chemically alter the structure and function of the brain…..impart motor skills, learning abilities, and emotional regulation…lasts several months or years after users have stopped taking the drug…research indicates at least 50% of dopamine producing brain cells can be damaged …

He clicked out of this website and went on to the next. And then the next. And the next. 

Most websites provided a hotline number to call if you are struggling, and Remus wondered if Teddy had ever called before. Had he been on the phone, having a stranger talk them through cravings? Had it helped? Did they want the help? 

Remus wondered what the appeal was. He read it was the high, the change in serotonin and dopamine, but surely no high was worth throwing away a whole life. He wanted to know what Teddy felt like in moments of pure euphoria. He wanted to experience the pains of withdrawals, to understand what Teddy felt. And, for a brief moment, he considered how easy it would be to get his hands on heroin. If Teddy could get it, surely he could too. He had the money, he knew where to go, he—

Sirius made a small noise in his sleep, pulling Remus out of his reverie. He glanced down, his hand moving to rest on top of Sirius’ head. Sirius’ face was scrunched up, and Remus assumed he was having some sort of nightmare. He was tempted to wake him up, but Sirius always got so disgruntled waking up in the middle of a nightmare that Remus didn’t want to disturb him.

He had fallen asleep in one of James’ old hoodies, one he had kept since the day after he found out the Potters had died. He was in charge of cleaning out their house, while dealing with a baby, and Sirius took a few items for himself. He didn’t wear the hoodie often, scared of damaging it, but he did put it on when he needed extra comfort. 

It broke Remus’ heart to see him curled up in it now, his body pressed against Remus’ leg and the blanket swallowing him. 

He didn’t know why he considered even for a second that taking drugs was a good idea. Taking it meant losing the man next to him, and nothing was worth that. 

*

“Have you talked to Teddy recently? Ever since our cafe meeting two weeks ago I haven’t heard a word from them.” 

“I talked to them a few days ago, yeah.” Tonks' voice sounded odd, distant, like she had done something wrong and was trying to conceal it. 

“And?” 

“He’s…as fine as he can be.” 

“What else?”

 “Remus, I don’t want to talk—” 

“And I don’t want a child who’s addicted to drugs and living out on the streets.” 

“He’s not on the streets.” 

“They are! They have no money. He’s been begging us for weeks.” 

“I gave him money.” 

Remus’ heart stalled and he felt so dizzy he had to sit down in the middle of the kitchen. No. No. No. No. No.

“I know you said not to. I get it, but he’s our kid. My baby.”

“Tonks--” 

“I just want him to be safe, I—” 

He hung up on her. 

*

Two days after James’ second birthday, Remus finally received news on Teddy. They hadn’t spoken since Remus talked to him in the cafe, and Tonks hadn’t spoken with them since she gave him money. Remus wasn’t surprised he went radio silent again. He got what he wanted and the money wasn’t used for an apartment. It never was going to be. 

Remus was sitting on the carpeted floor in James’ room, the little boy playing with some of his figurines. He was babbling nothingness, making his toys talk to one another. Remus tried to focus, to be present, but he couldn’t. He found himself slipping further and further away with each passing day. Now that school was out, he had nothing to distract and ground him to reality. He woke up, ate, somehow got through the day, and then went back to bed. His therapist was worried he was depressed, but Remus knew he wasn’t. He was just worried about Teddy. 

“Okay, calm down—” Harry’s voice could be heard downstairs, followed a moment later by hurried footsteps sprinting up the stairs and down the hall. He flung open James’ door with a panicked expression, holding his phone out to Remus. 

“Who is it?” Remus asked Harry, pressing the phone to his ear. 

“Sirius, he said he’s been trying to call you but you didn’t answer.” 

Remus patted for his phone and realized he had left it downstairs with the rest of his things. 

“Hello?” 

“Remus, it’s T-Teddy,” Sirius cried down the line. “He OD’d again.” 

*

Remus took an Uber to the hospital, too afraid to get behind the wheel. Harry had offered to drive but he was no better off than Remus. Besides, Ginny wasn’t home and the hospital was no place for a two year old to hang out. Remus promised to update Harry and Harry promised he’d get to the hospital the moment he found someone to watch James. 

Tonks was the one who contacted Sirius when Remus didn’t pick up after her five attempted calls. She was already on her way to the airport by the time she got in contact with Sirius, so she would be there soon. Sirius would beat Remus there, his studio closer to the hospital than Harry’s house. 

Luckily, though Remus felt horrible for thinking, Teddy was found in Bristol and was brought to the closest hospital to Remus and Sirius. 

He barely waited for the car to stop before he was getting out, cane in hand. He didn’t care about the burning and aching rushing through him, all he cared about was his child. His baby boy laying alone in a hospital bed. Again. Remus wasn’t even sure if they were alive. 

He saw Sirius immediately. He paced around the quiet waiting room, biting his nails. When the doors opened up, he flipped around and came running toward Remus. Remus dropped his cane to the ground with a loud clatter, pulling Sirius to his chest. 

“Any updates?” 

“No. They won’t let me back.” 

“Is he stable?”

Sirius shrugged, his face buried into the crook of Remus’ neck. 

“I can’t do this again,” Sirius whispered, just loud enough for Remus to hear. “I can’t keep doing this.” 

“What other choice do we have?” Remus rested his chin on top of Sirius’ head and his eyes fluttered shut. 

Remus realised, after silence took over, that Sirius was crying. His shoulders shook and Remus felt his shirt being soaked through with tears. 

“Come sit down.” Remus pulled apart, though not very far, and led them both over to the closest chairs. A kind older lady reached down for Remus’ cane and handed it over to him, giving them both sympathetic looks. Remus gave her a little nod of gratitude before he focused back on Sirius. 

Sirius flopped his head onto Remus’ shoulder, his hands coming up to wipe away his tears. 

Remus wasn’t sure how much longer he could do this either. 

*

They waited a long three hours before someone finally came out to talk with them. By this point, Tonks and Harry had arrived, both looking disheveled and teary eyed. Ginny was able to leave work early to stay with James, though she was going to try and find someone else to watch him so she could be here with them all, too. They needed all the support they could get, regardless of how humidified Teddy would feel once they found out he had a crowd of people waiting on them. 

“Edward Lupin’s family?” The nurse called, and everyone perked their head up. Remus and Sirius were the first to jump up, though everyone was close behind. 

“You’re all family?” The nurse asked, raising a brow. 

“Yes,” Remus responded, not having the patience to walk her through their family tree right now. 

“Right.” She gave them all a pitiful look, a look that screamed bad news. “We’re only allowed to have one guest back at a time.” 

Remus looked at everyone else, all four of them having a silent conversation with their eyes. 

“You go first,” Tonks finally said, forcing a smile on her face. 

“Tonks—” 

“You go first,” She repeated, and gave his arm a small squeeze. 

Neither Sirius nor Harry protested this decision. 

“We’ll be right here.” Sirius leaned over and kissed the edge of Remus’ jaw before stepping back with a pained look on his face. 

“Okay…” Remus took in a slow breath and nodded to the nurse before he followed her through the double doors into the ICU. The nurse didn’t have time to begin her spiel on everything that was wrong with Teddy because they were met instantly with commotion and chaos in the halls. There were people rushing around, talking wildly in front of a patient’s open door. The nurse with Remus stalled, wide eyed. 

“What happened?” She asked, walking closer to the door. Remus froze, not sure where he was supposed to go. He didn’t want to intrude on another patient’s medical drama, as tempting as it sounded. 

“He’s gone.” Remus overheard one of the nurses say. 

“What?” 

“He was there twenty minutes ago when we went to check his vitals but he’s gone. His IV was ripped out and his personal belongings are missing.” 

“No one saw where he went?”

“No.” 

Poor sod. Remus felt sorry for the man and, though he didn’t want to be insensitive, he did want to be shown to Teddy’s room while the doctors sorted this issue out. 

“What do I tell his family?” The second nurse asked, her voice lower than before but still loud enough for Remus to hear. 

“I don’t know. He’s not my patient, you figure it out.” 

“God, you’re such a prat sometimes—” 

“Just go! Talk to them. We’ll keep looking.” 

The nurse nodded, spun around, and walked back over to Remus. Her pitiful smile from earlier was now replaced by a nervous look. Her face was pale and her hands shook as they clutched the clipboard with Teddy’s information. 

“Sir, why don’t you follow me.” She turned to walk in the opposite direction of the rooms and Remus followed her confusedly. 

“Aren’t they that way?” He motioned over his shoulder, though she didn’t respond. 

She led them to a quieter corridor, her clip board now pressed to her chest. “I don’t know how to say this…” She paused and chewed on her lower lip. Weren’t nurses supposed to conceal their anxiety for the sake of their clients? “Um…I just received news that Edward is…he’s no longer in his room. The nurses said his IV was pulled out and no one can find him. But, they’re still looking! We’ll have people searching each floor—” 

“Wait, wait. Repeat that. Teddy’s gone?”

“Yes…I’m so sorry, sir. We—”

“You’re sorry?!” Remus’ own hands and legs began to shake. He left his cane with the others, so he had nothing to stabilize himself with. He reached out for the wall instead, forcing himself to take slow breaths. “Where the fuck is he? Why wasn’t anyone watching him?!” 

“We check vitals every twenty minutes. He was asleep the last time we were there. I don’t—” 

Remus pushed away from the wall and left the nurse standing alone in the hall before he could hear anything else. 

Gone. Missing. Gone. Gone. 

Remus practically sprinted back to the waiting room, slamming the door behind him. The other people in the room all looked up at the noise, but Remus didn’t care. He didn’t spare a glance to anyone as he marched outside into the warm June air. 

A few seconds later, Tonks, Sirius, and Harry were outside with him. 

“What the hell happened?!” 

“Is he okay?”

“Slow down, Remus!” 

All their voices were blurred together and Remus felt like he was about to vomit onto the pavement. Who could blame him though? Teddy had OD’d mere hours ago and now, once again, he was gone. 

Remus leant over, hands on both of his knees, and dry heaved. Nothing came up, though he wished it had. At least then the nausea would go away. Remus slowly stood back up, having three sets of wide eyes on him. 

Sirius was the first to step forward. He rushed to Remus' side, freezing as if not knowing what he was supposed to do, what body part to hold onto, how to console Remus. 

Remus let out a heart wrenching sob, which triggered everyone else into motion. 

“Oh fuck, is he dead?” Harry asked, forgoing subtlety. 

Remus shook his head, barely getting the words out through gasps. “He’s g-gone. L-left—” 

“Gone? Gone where?” Tonks asked, turning her heads towards the door as if they would just magically appear. 

Remus shook his head, not having any more information to give. 

“Can you move? Can we sit down?” Sirius asked, his voice wobbling. Sitting down did sound nice, but Remus couldn’t move. 

“It’s your f-fault,” he finally said and Sirius gaped at him. 

“My fault?!” 

“No!” He turned towards Tonks. “Yours!” 

“The fuck are you on about, Lupin?” 

“You gave him the money!” Remus pushed out of Sirius’ grip and stepped closer to Tonks. “You gave him money! You allowed him to buy more drugs! He was out of money, he would’ve had to come home eventually, but you—” he stabbed his finger towards Tonks, hitting her in the chest. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” She gasped and threw her hands in the air. “You’re blaming me for our child overdosing?!” 

“Yes! Yes I am! If he didn’t have money, he wouldn’t have bought more drugs.” 

“They said it was for an apartment!” 

“Are you that dumb? Really?” Remus' chest was heaving up and down. “It’s your—” 

Tonks stepped forward and shoved Remus back, pushing him hard enough for him to lose just enough balance to stumble a few steps backwards. She pushed hard again on his chest and Remus sort of wished she would just punch him. 

“You’re a fucking cunt, did you know that!?” 

“Well at least I didn’t—” 

“Okay!” Harry rushed forward, stepping between the two of them. “We’re done.” He held his hands out, keeping them both from getting any closer. “Remus, c’mon. Let’s get out of here. We can find somewhere to sit and calm down.” 

Sirius hadn’t said a word, frozen in place and wide eyed as he stared at the scene in front of him. 

Remus just shook his head and turned on his heel. He marched away from the scene, needing to be far, far away from this place. 

*

The days following Teddy’s escape were rough, to say the least. Remus hardly left bed and Sirius hardly spoke. Remus apologized to Tonks but she hadn’t given him the time of day, which Remus didn’t blame her for. He was a cunt, as she said. 

Sirius had barely spoken since the hospital, triggered by the events of Teddy’s overdose and of the fight. He was shut down, focusing all his time on art while Remus shut down and focused all his energy on staying in bed. He tried to get up, to read, to walk, to do anything, but he couldn’t. He felt too heavy. 

“Harry is coming over,” Sirius said one evening, sitting with his legs pulled to his chest while Remus lay in bed next to him. “Said he’s worried.” 

Remus hummed in response. He didn’t care who did or didn’t come over. All he cared about was if Teddy was alive or not. 

Remus’ phone buzzed on the nightstand, rattling against the wood. When he made no move to answer it, Sirius reached over and handed it to him. Remus wanted to groan and throw his phone across the room but, like an adult, he answered it. The number was unknown and he was expecting it to be a spam bot. 

“Dad?” 

“Teddy?” Remus shot up in bed so fast he saw stars. “Teds, where are you?” 

“Dad, I’m okay,” Teddy responded, their voice quiet and scratchy. “I checked myself back into rehab. I’m going to get clean.”

Notes:

alright, who believes them?

Chapter 14: the song went on forever

Summary:

tw for pet death :(

Rehab didn’t last long, but no one was surprised, least of all Remus. Teddy didn’t give them access to visit for family day and, after only ten days, Remus got a call from the program that Teddy had checked themselves out. 

He should feel panicked, should be shocked, but he wasn’t. He was exhausted. Defeated. He didn’t have it in him to keep fighting, though he knew he had to. Wasn’t his job as a parent to always fight for his kid? 

“He left,” Remus said, shuffling into Sirius’ studio. The warm July sun was shining through the open window, casting Sirius in a beautiful orange glow. He was sitting on the floor, sketches surrounding him. At the news, Sirius tilted his head back to look at Remus. 

“Teddy?” 

“Yup.” Remus walked further into the room and sat down on the plush chair against the wall. 

Sirius glanced back down at the drawings in front of him, not saying anything for quite awhile. What else was there to say? 

“What now?” Sirius pushed his body around so he was facing Remus, pulling his legs into his chest. He didn’t seem shocked by the news either. 

“I’m not sure there’s anything else to do…” 

We have to give up. 

“Have you called around?” 

“Not yet. The center just called me. I was listed as their emergency contact.” 

“Do you want me to call?”

“Yes.” Remus couldn’t do it again. Couldn’t break the news that once again, Teddy was gone, that they were choosing drugs over his friends and family. 

Again. And again. And again. 

*

“I feel guilty that I’m not doing more.” 

“Doing more to help?

“Yeah...I mean…I feel like I’ve given up on them.”

“Why do you feel like that?” Remus’ therapist, Maeve, asked, leaning ever so slightly forward in her chair. 

“I’m not out searching the streets or filing a missing persons report. I haven’t called around as much as I know I should. I tried calling them a lot at first, but once I went straight to voicemail, I stopped trying. I’m giving up.”

“It doesn’t sound like you’re giving up to me.” 

“Of course not, you’re my therapist.” Remus made a poor attempt at a joke and Maeve gave him a soft half smile in return. Pity.

“You’ve done more for Teddy than most would. You’ve helped them get back on their feet multiple times, you’ve paid for rehab, you took them to meetings everyday. Again and again, you offer them nothing but love and support. That’s not giving up.” 

“Then why aren’t I doing it now?”

“I think you’re tired.”

Remus hummed, feeling himself slump down on the couch. He was exhausted. 

“And, I think you’ve hit your tolerance threshold. Our bodies can only take on so much and, when one experiences trauma, your window of tolerance grows smaller and smaller. It leads to chronic anxiety, depression, emotional dysfunction, so on and so forth. It may feel like you’re giving up, but I think this is your body’s way of protecting you.” 

“I’m not the one experiencing trauma.” 

“Sure, you’re not the one doing the drugs, but you’re the one witnessing your son go through this.” 

“I don’t—” 

“No parent wants to see their child suffer, Remus. You and Sirius have watched your child go through more than most will ever in their lives. You’ve been hurt, let down, lied to, your trust has been broken over and over again. Your body is impacted by all of this.” 

“Trauma or not, what does it matter? I’m still not doing enough…”

“Not enough for you or for them?”

“For…” Remus didn’t know. Teddy didn’t seem to care or notice when Remus and Sirius tried to help. They just wanted drugs and money, neither of which Remus would give him. “I don’t know.”

“I’d like to spend some time today talking through the ways this guilt is showing up in your body.” Maeve explained and, despite Remus not wanting to be in this room, he sat and listened and talked when he was supposed to. 

*

“Maeve is still trying to get me to see a psychiatrist,” Remus mumbled as he flopped down onto the couch next to Sirius, shuffling until his head was in his husband’s lap. 

“And?” 

“I said no.” 

They had had this talk before and it always ended the same way. 

“Why don’t you want to try?” 

“Because I don’t need medicine. She thinks I’m depressed and…sure, right now I don’t feel great, but I’m not depressed. I’m just overwhelmed because our child is missing.” 

Sirius didn’t say anything and Remus groaned. 

“Sirius, I don’t need medication.” 

“I didn’t say anything!” Sirius laughed, throwing his hands up in defense. 

“You were thinking it.” 

“You can’t possibly know what I’m thinking.” 

“We’ve been together nearly twenty years, I know what you’re thinking.”

“Alright then, what am I thinking?” Sirius rested his hand on top of Remus’ head, gently running his fingers through his curls. 

“You’re thinking that I’m being a stubborn git and that I should talk to a psychiatrist just to see what they have to say before shutting down the idea that I may need extra help outside of therapy.” 

“Wow.” Sirius hummed in response. “Guess you can read minds,” Sirius teased and Remus groaned again, nuzzling his face into Sirius’ thigh. 

“I just want Teddy home.” 

“I know, love…me too.” 

“Everything will be okay when they get back.” 

Sirius didn’t say anything, but continued to card his fingers through Remus’ curls. 

Nothing was or ever would be okay again. 

*

“C’mon Lady, it’s time for bed,” Remus said and patted his leg as he walked past the dog. 

Lady, curled up on her bed by the unlit fire, just looked up at him with hooded, tired eyes. Normally her tail would thump when anyone addressed her and she’d jump up to rush up the stairs. She had been moving slower the last few days, though. She wasn’t intrigued by treats and didn’t play with Clem. She looked exhausted, her fur greying, and her body growing skinnier and skinnier. 

“C’mon, let’s go.” Remus tried again, cooing at her. He patted his leg again, but Lady just continued to stare. She looked at him and Remus knew. Oh, he knew. He had hoped it wouldn’t come to this, not now, not in the middle of everything else, but he wasn’t going to keep a dog alive for his own benefit. 

“Oh, baby…” Remus whispered and walked over to Lady’s bed. He knelt down and reached a hand out to gently stroke her back. Lady’s eyes closed and her head rested against her bed. “I know…” He whispered, tears filling his eyes. “I’m so sorry you’re in pain.” Remus stroked her back. “Can you make it one more night?” 

He sat in silence, as if she would respond. Remus let out a slow, shaky breath. 

One more night. You can do it. One more. Please, I need one more night. Remus couldn’t lose anything else. He couldn’t say goodbye. He just needed one more night. 

He grabbed his phone from his pocket before he could second guess what he was doing. He called Teddy, and only had to wait for one ring until he got their voicemail.

“We’re sorry, the number you have dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Please try again later.”

The phone beeped and the line went dead, leaving Remus to stare blankly at the wall ahead. No no no no.

He called three more times, hoping to hear Teddy’s regular voicemail, the one they made with Harry when he was seventeen. The one where he giggled as he tried to get the message across in one go. The one that Remus knew took ten takes because Harry kept making him laugh. Disconnected. Why the fuck had his phone been disconnected? Despite Remus’ firm stance on not giving him money, he did still pay for his phone bill. If nothing else, it was for Remus’ peace of mind that Teddy could reach him if they needed to. 

Teddy turned off his location services a long time ago, so Remus didn’t bother opening the app to see if he could see his little contact floating around somewhere. 

“Sirius!” Remus called up the steps. He remembered with a pain of agony the reason he had tried to call Teddy in the first place. 

Footsteps sounded down the stairs a moment later, Sirius coming into the room with a panic stricken face. 

“What happened?” He asked, eying Remus up and down, as if assessing for physical injury. 

“It’s Lady,” Remus whispered. He couldn’t bring up the voicemail right now. 

“What’s the matter?” Sirius seemed to deflate at his response, walking over to crouch next to Lady. Like Remus, he reached a hand out to gently stroke her. 

Remus didn’t say anything in response, instead giving Sirius a knowing look. They hadn’t talked about how much she had been slowing down recently, but they both knew. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah…” 

“Do…should we take her to the vet or…? I don’t know how it all works, I’ve never had pets.” 

“We should tomorrow, it’s cruel to keep her alive if she doesn’t even have the strength to get up.” Remus was used to pet loss, having grown up on a farm his whole life, but he had never dealt with the death of a pet he had grown so close with. A pet that was his own, that was part of his family. Lady grew up right alongside everyone in this house.

“Do you think she’ll be okay through the night?” 

“I don’t think she’ll be any better off one way or another…” Remus’ eyes filled with tears as he tracked his hand running through her fur. “We need to call Harry, let him know.” 

Sirius nodded and once again looked at Remus, trying to silently ask him the question they were both thinking. 

“I already tried calling them. Their phone has been disconnected.” 

Sirius took in a deep breath and slowly exhaled it with a mumbled, “Okay.” 

“I’m going to go call Harry, I’ll be right back,” Sirius said and pushed his body back up. Remus had to ignore the way his legs shook a little extra as he walked out of the room. 

*

Harry came over as fast as he could, bursting through the door with messy hair and pajamas. It wasn’t late, but with a baby, he assumed Harry was already in bed and ready for the day to end. 

He walked into the living room and froze at the scene in front of him. 

Remus and Sirius were sitting next to Lady. Remus had thrown a blanket over her while Sirius had gathered her favorite toys to place by her bed. Clementine had made her way back downstairs, though Pepper was most likely still curled up on the, now empty, bed upstairs. 

“What happened?” Harry whispered, plopping down on the ground in front of the dog’s bed. 

“She’s been slowing down the last few weeks, especially in the last few days. She’s barely moved all day, didn’t eat, and didn’t get up when I tried to bring her up to bed.” 

“And…there’s no medicine or anything we can do to help?” 

Remus shook his head, giving Harry a sad smile. “No, Haz.” 

Harry’s eyes filled with tears and both Sirius and Remus looked away. Remus would crumble if he saw Harry cry. 

“Okay…” Harry moved to lay down, resting his face an inch in front of Lady’s. “Can I stay here tonight?” 

“Of course,” Sirius said, reaching a hand out to squeeze Harry’s shoulder. He moved his hand to his back and gently rubbed it, like he did when Harry was younger. 

“Can we sleep down here?” 

Remus was considering doing that anyway, so he nodded his head. It wouldn’t be comfortable and he’d most likely regret it tomorrow morning, but it was the best send off they could give to Lady. 

“Of course. Let me go get some blankets and pillows from upstairs and we can make a nest.” Sirius jumped up and wiped at his eyes as he exited the room again. 

Remus could weep at the sight in front of him. It was painfully similar to the first night they got Lady, when Remus found Teddy and Harry passed out on the ground next to her bed. They had been so excited. It was cruel Teddy wasn’t here to say their goodbyes. Lady had always favored him, had always been an extra comfort during rough times. 

“Did you call Teddy?” Harry asked. 

“Yes.” 

“No answer?” 

“No answer.” Remus didn’t bother telling him about the disconnected phone, figuring now wasn’t the time. 

“I’m very mad at them, and I feel horrible for it.” 

“I’m mad at them too.” 

“They should be here…they…they should be here.” 

*

Remus didn’t hear any news on Teddy until mid-way through October. He was packing up, ready to head home to his lovely husband and a nice bath, when his phone rang. Tonks name appeared on his screen and, given it wasn’t anyone’s birthday or holiday, he assumed it wasn’t good news. Ever since their fight at the hospital, Tonks didn’t reach out to Remus anymore. She was pissed and Remus didn’t blame her. 

“Hey Tonks, what’s up?” Remus had his phone pressed between his ear and his shoulder as he gathered the last of his belongings in his bag and flung it over his shoulder. He grabbed his cane in one hand and, in the other, reached for his phone to hold it properly against his ear. 

“Can you talk?” 

“I’m just leaving class.” Remus shouldered the door open and made his way down the quiet halls. “Give me just a moment to get to my car.” 

Tonks hummed in response but didn’t engage further than that. Remus hated the silence, but it was well deserved, so he didn’t try to fill the time with small talk. 

He got to his car and shoved his things into the passenger seat before sliding into the driver's seat with a huff. He set his phone on his lap, on speaker, and reached up to unbutton the top three buttons of his shirt. 

“Alright, what’s up?” 

“I’m not in the mood to get yelled at, so if—” 

“Tonks, please. I was in an awful mood with little sleep and our child had just OD’d and then ran away from the hospital. I’m not saying what I said was okay, but give me a little break.” 

“I’ll consider.” She paused and Remus rolled his eyes. 

“What do you want?” 

“Teddy was arrested last night.” 

“What?!” 

“They called me and I bailed them out this morning. They were about an hour away from Glasgow.” 

“Where is he now? Is he with you?” 

“No. After I bailed him out, we got into a yelling match in the car park. They looked sick and clearly were high. They were spewing all this shit at me and I told…” Tonks sighed. “I couldn’t have him stay with me if he was going to be like that. He left and I haven’t heard from him since. I told them that he needs to reach out to you, to let you know he’s okay.” 

The most shocking part of this whole thing was the fact that Teddy somehow managed to get to Glasgow with no money, no transportation, and, he assumed, no friends in a position to drive six hours. Him being high and biting off Tonks head was no surprise. Even the arrest, though he probably should’ve been, didn’t phase him. 

“What was it this time?” 

“DUI again. They suspended his license for a year. No one was hurt, but since he was the one driving, he got arrested. Whoever they were with ran out of the car when they saw the police coming and left Teddy.” 

“Jesus Christ,” Remus groaned and sank back into his chair. One day. He wanted one day free of bad news. 

“I think it’s a miracle he didn’t get held for longer than a night and got off free without any additional community service.” 

“He wouldn’t have gone to it, anyway.” 

“No, but…fuck, it could’ve been so much worse.” 

“And how are you?” 

“Pardon?” 

“You. How are you? It’s not fun to get middle of the night emergency calls about Teddy’s wellbeing.” 

“I’m…” She began and let out a sigh, matching Remus’. “Tired. Tired of all of this.” 

“Me too.” 

“It’s just one thing after another. We keep bailing them out and helping but…but one day that’s not going to be enough. I’m scared for the day we get the phone call that—” She trailed off, but Remus didn’t need to hear the end of her sentence to know what she was implying. 

“You did good, Tonks. Thank you for bailing him out…” 

“Would you have done the same?” 

“Yeah, of course. All boundaries go out the door when Teddy is in trouble.” Remus chuckled, flopping his head to the side to stare out his dirty car window. He had been meaning to get it washed for weeks now, but things kept coming up. 

Tonks was silent on the other end and Remus had to use all his strength not to cry. He had always been so grateful for his life, for his family, but the last few months he’s been asking the universe what he did to deserve all this pain. Why him? Why Teddy?

“Will you let me know if you hear from them?” Remus asked after what felt like hours of silence. 

“Yeah, same for you,” Tonks said softly. “I’ll talk to you later, Rem.” 

“Talk to you later,” he mumbled and hung up the call, dropping his phone in his lap. 

*

He rode home with music playing from the radio, too exhausted to find something from his own playlists to play. Sirius was always the picky one with music, but Remus could drive in silence if he had to. Sometimes he preferred it, much to Sirius’ horror. 

He pulled up to the house and smiled fondly when he saw four figures through the window. They were laughing and dancing around and, Remus figured, listening to music. 

He stayed in the car for a long time, watching them all dance, until Sirius eventually looked outside and caught sight of Remus sitting alone in his car. He bent down to scoop up James and whispered something in his ear, the little boy waving excitedly a moment later. Remus waved back and finally left the car. 

He gathered his things and made his way inside the house, greeted by the smell of freshly baked cookies, Queen playing through the speakers, and giggling from a very happy James Potter. Remus kicked his shoes off and dropped his cane and bag by the door, greeted immediately by the toddler. 

“Papa!” James lifted his hands up in the air, a request to be picked up, and, despite the pain radiating through Remus’ body, he bent down and picked up his grandson. 

“Hi, James.” Remus kissed the top of his head and walked into the living room. 

Harry, Sirius, and Ginny were all standing around, giving Remus a grin when he walked in. 

“He’s been asking for you all afternoon,” Ginny said with a grin, her ginger hair tied back in two long plaits. “I don’t think toddlers understand the concept of work.” 

“Eh, let him live in ignorance for a little while longer.” Remus chuckled and adjusted James on his hip. 

He walked over to Sirius and placed a kiss to his cheek. He wasn’t sure how to break the news to him that Teddy had been arrested again and was gone again. He thought, briefly, of keeping the news to himself, as to not have to see the smile leave Sirius’ face again. He couldn’t handle being the one to crumble his good mood. They had had more bad than good the last two years. 

“Oh, I love this part!” Harry began to sing loudly, reaching for Ginny’s hand to twirl her around to the music. “And he was alriiight, the band was all together. Yes he was alriiight, the song went on forever.” 

Ginny laughed loudly as her body spun around. Harry moved them, but not to the beat. His voice was off key and he nearly tripped over James’ toys scattered on the ground. Still, he laughed and kept singing. “Oooh, how I sighed when they asked if I knew his name—” 

“Harry James, you have an awful singing voice.” Ginny laughed, taking Harry’s hand to twirl him around now. 

“Has his whole life. We thought he’d grow out of it,” Sirius sighed dramatically, looking over to Remus with a fond smile. “Do you remember when we used to sing this song together?” 

“Sorta.” Harry stopped dancing around when the song came to an end, a Billy Joel song coming on shuffle next. He reached forward for James, Remus handing him over. 

“It was before we told you and Teds that we were dating,” Remus supplied, his chest filling with warmth at the memory. “During one of your sleepovers. We were waiting for our dinner to cook and Sirius told me he was training you to have a good music taste. He had already shamed me for letting Teddy listen to, god forbid, songs written for kids.” Remus laughed, turning to face Sirius. 

“And I couldn’t let you be ruined by kid’s music, Harry. For your ears, and mine.”

“Anyway—” Remus cut back in. “Sirius put on Lady Stardust and did the most dramatic performance I had ever seen. You and Teddy thought it was amazing, made him play the song on repeat four times before I finally put my foot down and made us continue on with the album.” 

Both Harry and Ginny listened in awe, a smile on each of their faces. 

“I don’t remember that…” 

“You were little, didn’t think you would.” 

“Well, good thing you put all that effort into me not having a bad music taste. Now I can pass down my good music genes to James.” 

“Good, that’s all I’d ever ask.” 

“Did my parents like Bowie?” 

Sirius paused for a moment and Remus watched him carefully. He usually loved to talk about James and Lily, but sometimes it hurt. Today, he seemed to be okay. He nodded his head, and glanced over at the mantel where a photo of Sirius, James, and Lily rested. 

“Oh yeah. It was actually your mum who introduced me to him, and…well, good music in general. I didn’t have a lot of exposure to media growing up, so when I was in school, Lily made it her mission to expose me to the best of the best. She showed me Bowie first and I fell in love. James, who was infatuated with Lily, pretended to know all about him and made a real arse of himself performing a very drunk rendition of Ziggy Stardust during a party in fifth year.” 

“Really?” Harry laughed, seemingly taking in every word of the story, just like he always did when Sirius talked about his parents. 

“Really. It was a painful watch but, somehow, it worked.” Sirius chuckled, moving an inch closer to Remus. It was subtle, but enough for Remus to notice and wrap an arm around him. “I found them snogging an hour later.” 

Harry grinned and glanced over at Ginny, who was giving him a fond look. Remus always adored the way Harry’s face would light up when he learned new things about his parents. 

The next song played and Ginny gasped, jumping up on her heels. “Now this is what I call good music!” 

Remus eventually moved to sit on the couch, while everyone kept dancing and singing and sharing stories. He watched everyone with so much adoration in his heart he felt he could explode. James, who was running between everyone, demanding their attention before moving to the next person, hadn’t ever seemed happier. He was giggling and dancing, being swung around to the music. He’d be sleeping well tonight. 

The music shuffled through a mix of Harry and Ginny’s music. Harry said it was a giant playlist they made for one of their old road trips, when neither could agree on what to play. The playlist was over thirty hours now and would continue to grow as they did. 

The beginning beats of Dancing Queen played and Sirius was back on his feet a second later. 

“Reeeemus,” he called, holding out a hand and wiggling his fingers. 

Remus blushed deeply and shook his head, sinking further onto the couch. “Absolutely not.” 

“C’mon! Dance with your husband!” Sirius begged, shaking his hand again. 

“Too tired, can’t move.” Remus sighed dramatically and flopped his head to the side. 

“Remus Remus Remus Remus,” Sirius chanted, triggering James to join in. He squealed and ran over to Remus. 

“Papa! Get up!” 

“You heard the man,” Harry joined in, already embraced in a swaying position with Ginny. 

Remus sighed dramatically and hoisted his body up, reaching for Sirius’ hand. “Alright, alright. One dance. For you.” 

Sirius kissed him briefly and began to sway them around. He was cautious of Remus’ pain, moving them around carefully and not pushing Remus to move in ways that would strain his knees. 

“You are the dancing queen! Young and sweet, only seventeeeeen!” Everyone in the room sang, voices getting louder and louder with each verse. 

Home. This was home. 

*

“I want to devour you whole,” Sirius mumbled into Remus’ mouth later that evening, after everyone else had gone home. 

It had begun with kissing, and then touching, and before Remus knew it their clothes were being discarded everywhere and Sirius was on top of him. In the haze of kissing and getting undressed, Sirius had reached under their bed and dug out his strap on, putting it on clumsily. It wasn’t often Remus bottomed, but tonight nothing sounded better. 

Sirius was gently grinding against Remus’ hard cock, his hands roaming lower and lower. 

Remus was a puddle under his touch. 

“God, I want to devour you,” Sirius said again as he slid down Remus body and licked a strip up his weeping cock. 

“So you’ve said,” Remus responded with a heavy breath. “Please, please,” He begged, though he wasn’t sure exactly what he was begging for. 

Sirius wasted no time in opening him up, his slender fingers curved in just the right way that caused Remus to gasp out. It was after the third finger that Remus begged Sirius to stop. 

“Stop, stop. I’m good, I’m ready.” Remus panted and blindly reached over to their nightstand for the bottle of lube. He tossed it in Sirius’ general direction, which earned him a chuckle. 

“Needy,” Sirius said as he squirted some lube in his hand and stroked the dildo. 

“You make me needy. You’re teasing me and—” Remus was cut off with a gasp as Sirius pressed inside of him, electing a moan from the both of them. “Fuck—” Remus cried out, arching his back to get a better angle. 

Sirius smirked and began to thrust his hips forward, his hands positioned on either side of Remus’ head. “That’s right. Take my cock like the good boy you are,” he whispered into Remus’ ear. He sped up his motions and Remus had to use all his self control not to come. He wanted to hold out a little longer, drown in the pleasure of it all. 

Sirius kept up the pace, the room silent except for the sound of skin slapping skin and heavy breathes. 

Remus’ chest was heaving up and down and his mind was growing hazy. He felt dizzy, body tingly, and warm tears began to drop down his cheeks. 

He wasn’t sure when it had started, but all too soon he felt like the room was growing smaller and smaller and suddenly he needed Sirius out of him. He needed him away. He couldn’t handle the touch. 

“S-Stop—” Remus cried, unable to catch his breath. “Red. Stop, s-stop please.” 

Sirius stilled immediately, pushing himself up to look Remus in the eyes. 

“S-stop.” Remus’ tears turned to sobs and he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. 

“Shit.” Sirius gently pulled out of him and scrambled his body up to be closer to Remus. “Hey, hey. What’s happening? What’s wrong?” 

“I don’t k-know.” Remus sobbed, rolling onto his side and pulling his legs into his chest. “One m-minute everything was f-fine and then…then, I don’t know. The r-room felt like it was c-closing in on me. I d-don’t know—” 

“Baby, you’re having a panic attack,” Sirius whispered, reaching a tentative hand down to push Remus’ sweaty curls out of his eyes. “You need to breathe.” 

“I c-can’t!” 

“You can. Don’t talk, just breathe. Remember what you always tell me,” Sirius said, and, like Remus did when the roles were reversed, took in a deep, slow breath. 

Remus tried his best to mimic, but it felt impossible. How could he breathe when he was dying? He was surely dying, that was the only explanation. 

“Remus, breathe. C’mon. Big, deep breaths.” 

Remus tried again and again and eventually his body slowed down. Tears were still dripping down his cheeks, but his breathing was steadier and his brain felt less hazy. 

“Okay?” 

Remus nodded and curled his legs tighter against his chest. He wanted to disappear. 

“What happened, love?” 

Remus didn’t say anything for a long, long time and Sirius didn’t push him. He waited patiently, fingers carding through Remus’ curls. He moved to lay down, face close to Remus’ and began to mumble soothing affirmations. 

“Teddy was arrested,” Remus finally said. 

“What?” 

“Tonks called me earlier…she bailed him out and he bolted. He got another DUI. No one was hurt, but he was taken in.” 

“Fuck…” 

“He…he should’ve been here tonight. They should’ve been dancing around with us.” 

It was Sirius’ turn to remain silent. What else was there to say? 

“Has he reached out to you?” 

“Not yet, but I’m assuming they will soon. They’re gonna need money and it’s been so long since he’s asked, I’m assuming he’ll think we’ll give in.” 

“We can’t.” 

“I know.” 

“We can’t…” Sirius repeated again as tears dripped down his own cheeks. 

*

As predicted, Teddy called Remus the next day. 

“Hi, Dad.” 

“Hi, Teds. How are you?” It was a stupid question and Remus didn’t care about the lie he was about to receive. 

“I’m really struggling, Dad,” Teddy said, his voice small and broken. “I..I fucked up.” 

“Your mum told me.” 

“I feel so awful…I…I shouldn’t have been driving. It was so stupid. My friend wanted to go get dinner and we assumed driving was fine because it was so close. I..I shouldn’t have gotten behind the wheel.” 

“No, you shouldn’t have.” Remus sighed, leaning back in his chair. “What are you on?” Again, he didn’t really want to know. Ignorance is bliss, and all that. 

“I’m on nothing right now. I haven’t taken anything since that night.” 

Two days. 

“What were you on?” 

“Does it matter? I’m not on it anymore.” 

It wouldn’t matter until he relapsed again. 

“I suppose not,” Remus responded and chewed on his lower lip. “Are you safe, Teddy?” 

“I’m making do. I’m staying with one of my buddies. He’s letting me crash at his for a few nights until I figure something out.” 

“That’s good, Teds.” 

There was an uncomfortable silence between the two of them and Remus was half tempted to say he had to go. To hang up and block whatever number Teddy was calling on. He hadn’t had the guts to ask him what happened to his old phone. Again, he didn’t want to know. 

“Dad, I know I ask you all the time, but—” 

“Teddy, we can’t give you money.” 

“This time is different. My friend said I can only stay with him if I help with rent and I don’t have anything. I sold all my shit,” Teddy said, answering Remus’ unasked question about their phone. “If he kicks me out, I’m going to be stuck on the streets and…” Teddy paused for a moment. “I’m scared, Dad. I…please, please. I just don’t want to be kicked out of another home.” 

Guilt washed over Remus and then anger, because he didn’t believe him. He didn’t believe a word coming out of their mouth. If Teddy needed a roof over their head, they’d come home and go to rehab. They wouldn’t have to worry about money or selling personal belongings. They’d be safe, warm, fed, and sober.

“I can’t give you money, but we will help pay for rehab. That offer is still on the table. Come home, and we will get you in rehab.” 

“I don’t need rehab!” 

Remus resisted the urge to yell back. 

“I’m not going to stay on this call if you’re just going to yell at me.” 

“Dad, please. I know you have the money! You have…you have so much money! Sirius is rich, I know he is. I overheard the joke he made about his inheritance and how he could have retired at fifteen and still had extra money.” 

“Teddy, that’s highly inappropriate—” 

“But it’s true! You know it’s true. I just need money, and why the fuck do you care? It’s not like you’re going to miss it. You don’t need all the money. I do. I need it. I’m going to die without it, dad.” 

Remus felt the similar feeling of walls closing in around him as Teddy spoke. He sat up a little straighter and took in a slow, deep breath, like Sirius had done with him last night. 

“Dad, you’re so fucking selfish if you won’t help me. I just need a little money.” 

“I have to go, Teddy. Call your sponsor.” 

“Kit can’t do anything for me! Only you can! You have—” 

Remus hung up the phone. 

*

No one heard from Teddy again until the end of November. Remus got a call from an unknown number on his lunch break, but he hesitated to answer it. Unknown numbers with a  kid out on the streets was never a good sign. It never meant anything good. 

Still, Remus answered. 

“Hello?” 

“Dad?”

“Teddy?”

“Hi…yeah…yeah, it’s me.”

“You okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Teddy whispered, his voice sounding tired and scared. “I’m in rehab.” 

“What?” 

“I checked myself in after we called. I…” Teddy paused and let out a heavy sigh. “I called Kit after I called you and he told me all the same things. He told me I had to go to rehab if I wanted a safe space to live. He picked me up and let me crash on his couch for a few days while I detoxed. Then he got me into a program. They didn’t want to take me, given my history, but Kit convinced them.” 

“Where are you?” 

“I’m in London. I’ve been here for a month now, but it’s been rough.” 

Remus’ eyes filled with tears and he nodded his head, despite the fact Teddy couldn’t see him. 

“I’m glad you’re safe, bug. That’s all I ever wanted.” 

“I’m really sorry for the shit I said to you, for all of it. I…god, I was so stupid. I keep doing this to myself. I don’t want to be an addict anymore. I want to stay clean and come home.” 

“I want those things for you too, Teddy. I believe you can get clean and, when you are, you are welcome home.” 

“I’m going to stay here awhile while I get my shit together. I put you, Sirius, and Harry on the call list but…but I’m not ready to see any of you yet. I’m sorry.” 

“You don’t have to be sorry, Teddy. You let us know when you’re ready, and we’ll come, okay?” 

“Okay,” They mumbled and the line was quiet. “Dad?” 

“Hm?”

“Do you still love me?”

The tears that were welling up in his eyes slowly dripped down his cheeks at their words. 

“Oh, Teddy…” He whispered. “Of course I love you. I’ll never stop loving you. Never.” 

“Do you promise?” 

“I promise.” 

Notes:

THREE MORE TO GO!!!!!!!!!!! I am...so excited to write the next chapter mwahah it was actually one of the first ideas I had when thinking of this fic

also I had sooo much fun writing the dancing scene :') I love happy family moments (believe it or not)

Chapter 15: open flames

Summary:

ruh roh, raggy!!! (13k of pure stress)

The deal was six months in rehab. Six months in treatment and then Teddy could come home. He had to prove to everyone, himself included, that he could get and remain sober. He needed to prove that rehab wasn’t just an excuse to get money out of Remus and Sirius so that they could go back to buying drugs. 

Remus had his doubts, as he always did, but Teddy managed all six months with frequent check-ins about his recovery. He left the program at the end of May and then stayed with Kit for another three weeks. Remus wanted them back, but he really needed to know Teddy was serious about staying sober. So, Kit agreed to house him for the first few weeks out of rehab. If Teddy were to relapse or start sneaking around again, then it would be Kit’s responsibility to kick them out or try to send them back to rehab. 

Remus anxiously waited every night for the call that Teddy had left, that he had relapsed, but it never came. Instead, he received a call in the middle of June with Teddy asking if they could come home. 

Sirius and Remus didn’t talk much about it, knowing the answer. As they requested, Teddy did his time in rehab and remained sober nearly a full month after leaving. It wasn’t perfect, but it was progress. Really, Remus thought he could use more time in rehab, due to how severe things had gotten the last two years, but six months was all he felt he could reasonably ask of Teddy. 

He had seen Teddy a few times over the last half a year, but for the most part, Teddy didn’t want visitors. They explained they felt too guilty to be with the people they hurt and they needed more time to process all the damage they did to their own life and the lives around him. Even on his birthday, Teddy requested no one come. He said he didn’t feel worthy enough of a celebration of his life when, a few months ago, he didn’t even try to keep himself alive. Remus respected their wishes, but it still pained him to be apart from his baby for so long, especially knowing how much they were struggling. 

Midway through June, when the sun was a little brighter and the weather a little warmer, a knock filled the quiet house, causing Remus and Sirius to jump up from the couch. Both had been immersed in their own activities, legs tangled together on the couch, as they counted down the minutes until this moment. 

Remus opened the door, greeted by the sight of his healthy looking child. Teddy was in clean, new clothes. His hair was full and curly, and his cheeks were no longer sunken in. His skin even had a nice tan to it, illuminating his freckles. 

“Hi,” Teddy breathed and dropped their bag to the ground. He rushed forward and hugged Remus. Remus didn’t waste a second in wrapping his arms around Teddy, squeezing him tightly. 

“Hi,” Remus whispered in return, fighting back the urge to break down into tears. 

“I’m so sorry,” Teddy mumbled into the crook of Remus’ neck. “To both of you.” They pulled back and looked between Sirius and Remus. Teddy dropped their arms around Remus and then turned to hug Sirius, who held him just as tight as Remus had. “I’m going to get better. I’m going to stay sober. I don’t want to live like how I was seven months ago. I can’t lose…I can’t lose you.” 

“You’re here now, Teddy. You haven’t lost us,” Sirius said, bringing a hand up to cup the back of Teddy’s head. “You’re home.” 

*

“We have a few ground rules to set,” Remus said later that evening when they were all sitting at the kitchen table and eating dinner. 

“I figured,” Teddy said around a mouthful of food. He set his fork down and reached for the glass of water next to them. “I’ll do whatever I need to do to stay here. Whatever you need from me.” 

“We don’t want you to feel like you’re on lockdown or anything, but for all of our sakes and to build trust, we just have a few requests,” Sirius explained and waited for Teddy to nod before continuing on. “One, we’re going to be doing random drug tests on you. If you’re on something, we will be able to tell so there’s no use in lying. Two, you need to let us know where you’re going and turn back on your location.” Remus had gone out to buy Teddy a new phone, gifting it to him after he got settled back into his room. “We’re not going to stalk you, but it’s also for peace of mind.” 

“Okay.” Teddy nodded their head, not seemingly phased. 

“And finally, though I know you’re already doing this, you need to be going to nightly meetings. Since you don't have a car, you’ll either need to bus or one of us can drive you, if our schedules align.” 

“Okay.” 

“Does that seem fair?”

“Yeah, yes.” Teddy nodded and reached for his fork again. “That seems fair.” 

“Good,” Sirius said and gave a quick glance to Remus, who returned his look with a small, reassuring smile. 

“We’re glad you’re back, Bug.” 

“I’m glad to be home. I had dreams about being home, then I’d wake up in some dodgy house or in some random alley and just cry. I can’t believe I wasted so much of my life doing drugs. It was so stupid, I’m never going to go back to that way of living again.” 

Remus took a slow sip of his drink, trying so hard to believe Teddy’s words. He wanted to, he had to, but there was still something preventing him from doing so. 

They continued their dinner in silence until Teddy cleared their throat and set his fork down again. 

“I uh…I hate to ask this, I know…I know I ask too much,” Teddy began, taking in a breath. “I really need new clothes though. I don’t have anything and all the clothes that are here don’t fit me right. You can come with me and never let me touch your card. I swear I’m not using it for drugs. I’ll pay you back for all of it.” 

“We believe you,” Sirius said, jumping in to stop Teddy from spiraling. “I can take you shopping tomorrow while Remus is at work, does that work?” 

“Yes. Thank you.” 

“Of course.” Sirius took the last bite of his food before setting down his fork as well. “The other thing we had discussed with you being home is that you need to find a job. It doesn’t matter what type, but it needs to be a full time job. You need to start saving money, start thinking about what you’d like to do with your future.” 

“Okay,” Teddy mumbled. “How long do I have?” 

“There’s no rush. We want you to find a job that’s a good fit, something that won’t make you dread going to. Just start looking, okay? See what’s out there.” 

“And you don’t have to pay us back from clothes, Teds. Don’t worry about that, just worry about settling back in, okay?” Remus added, finishing off his plate as well. 

“Thank you. Both of you. Thank you, for everything. I’m not going to fuck this up again. I promise.” 

I promise. 

*

Teddy had been pacing around the room for ten straight minutes and Remus was dizzy watching him out of the corner of his eye. Harry, who Teddy hadn’t seen since before rehab, was on his way over with James. Teddy hadn’t seen James in over a year, and now the young boy was properly walking and talking. He was a few days over three years old now, though Remus hardly believed it. Wasn’t it yesterday they got the call that Ginny was in labor? 

“Teds, you’re stressing me out,” Remus finally said, when he couldn’t handle the pacing anymore. 

“I’m nervous.” 

“For what? It’s just Harry.” 

“Just Harry?” Teddy said with a sigh. They flung themselves down onto the couch and threw an arm over their eyes. “Harry’s my best friend and my brother. He…his opinion means everything to me and he’s been so pissed off at me the last few years. I deserved it, I know, but I’m trying to make amends now. I want to rekindle our relationship.” 

“Bug, Harry loves you. You’ve had some rocky moments, but your bond will never go away. If he didn’t want to see you, he wouldn’t be coming over. Plus, he’s bringing James and you know he wouldn’t be doing that if he didn’t want to try and make amends.” 

Remus wasn’t sure if James even remembered Teddy. They had only seen each other on brief occasions and the last time they were together was over a year ago. Remus didn’t voice these concerns, not wanting to be responsible for more of Teddy’s stress. 

Teddy’s response was to groan, still for a moment, and then jump back up to resume their pacing. Remus looked away and focused back on the book in front of him. 

A few minutes later, he heard the sound of a key slipping into the door, followed by the babbling of a toddler. 

“Papa Rem!” James squealed, abandoning Harry and rushing over to where Remus was sitting. Rem sounded more like “wem” because he hadn’t gotten the hang of pronouncing his R’s yet. 

“Hi, baby,” Remus smiled and pushed himself away from the table so there was enough room for James to be pulled into his lap. 

James snuggled against Remus’ chest immediately, his face lit up with a smile. If this was a year ago, he’d go straight to Teddy, but the boy barely spared them a glance. Teddy was no longer a big enough part of James’ life to gain his attention. The little boy most likely didn’t even recognize them. 

“All I heard all morning was “Papa Rem!” and “will Papa Siri be there?” on repeat,” Harry said, shuffling into the room. He looked exhausted, deep bags under his eyes and his hair more unruly than usual. There was a smudge of something purple on his cheek, Remus assumed marker, and his jeans bore multiple butterfly stickers. James was in a sticker phase and insisted on putting them on everything. Remus’ cane was decorated in dinosaur stickers a few days ago, and he hadn’t the heart to remove them. 

“Well, here I am.” Remus gave James a cuddle, rubbing his hand up and down the little boy’s back. “Papa Siri is running errands right now. He’ll be back soon.” Remus leaned down closer and brought his voice to a whisper. “And he may be bringing you back a little treat.” 

“A treat?!” James gasped, his emerald green eyes growing wide in wonder. 

Remus shushed him and mimicked sealing his lips and throwing the key awake. He glanced up to Harry and gave him a small smile, which was quickly returned.

Teddy, watching the scene from the living room, awkwardly cleared his throat, causing both Harry and James to look over. If James recognized them, he didn’t make it obvious. Instead, he cuddled closer to Remus and looked skeptical at Teddy. 

“Hi,” Teddy said, shoving their hands into their pockets. “I..uh…” 

Harry rushed forward and pulled Teddy into a hug, whispering something in his ear. Teddy hugged him back tightly, their hands gripping the back of his jumper for dear life, as if Harry would disappear if they loosened their grip. 

“Don’t ever do something so fucking stupid again, okay?” Harry said when he pulled back and Teddy nodded furiously. “I’m serious.” He paused and Remus braced himself for Sirius’ classic “no, I’m Sirius” joke, but luckily they were all spared. “Don’t ever do that again. You scared the shit out of me.” 

From Remus’ lap, James perked up. “Shit!” He repeated and, unlike usual, Harry ignored him. The pair of them mumbled something back and forth, Teddy nodded, and then turned to head up stairs. 

“Can you watch him for a bit?” Harry asked Remus, who nodded his head. 

“Yes, of course. Go talk.” 

Remus watched him walk away, following Teddy up the stairs. 

“Just me and you, bud. What shall we do?” 

James looked at Remus with a smile, sliding off his lap and landing on the floor with a little thump. He picked himself up from the floor quickly, not at all phased. 

“Where is Clem?” 

“She’s probably out in the garden resting. Shall we go see her?” 

James nodded and, before Remus could stand up, was running off towards the back door. 

*

Remus sat on the swinging porch swing, the warm summer sun beating down on him as James ran around the garden and played. He tried to get Clementine to play fetch with him, but, per usual, she was not interested in returning the toy. This led to a long game of chase, ending only when James gave up and flopped onto the grass.

Remus was keeping an eye on him, but his mind was elsewhere. He wondered how the talk was going. It wasn’t his business and he wasn’t sure either would tell him the details once it was over. He respected their privacy, but god was he nosy. 

He was pulled from his thoughts when the back door slid open and footsteps sounded behind him. 

“Hi,” Sirius said, plopping down next to Remus on the swing. He held out a purple ice lolly for Remus, another one in his hand, which Remus assumed was for James. 

“I already had one on the way back from the store. It’s too hot out today.” 

“You’re telling me. James wanted to play out here and I hadn’t the heart to tell him I would rather stay inside in the air conditioning,” Remus chuckled, unwrapping the treat and shoving the lolly into his mouth. 

James realized Sirius had joined them, jumping up from the grass and rushing over to him. His knees, hands, and shirt were covered in dirt, though Remus wasn’t sure how. In the last hour he’d maybe looked away three times.

“Papa!” James squealed and, like when he saw Remus, he climbed right into Sirius’ lap. 

“Hi, my sweet love.” Sirius squeezed James, placing a giant kiss on top of his head.  

James glanced to the side to see Remus’ ice lolly, his eyes widening. He glanced back over to Sirius, barely having time to open his mouth before he was being presented a red ice lolly of his own. 

“Thank you!” James ripped open the plastic, not worrying about it falling to the ground. 

“Of course.” Sirius smiled at the little boy, using his feet to swing the chair back and forth. “Have you had a nice day with Papa Rem?” 

“Yes! We played in dirt.” 

“We did not play in dirt,” Remus corrected with a chuckle. “You, silly boy, played in dirt. You’re going to need a bath later.” 

“I don’t want to,” James huffed, his lips already beginning to stain red. 

“He makes a good argument.”

“I’ll pass on his statement to the juror,” Sirius said, reaching over to steal Remus’ ice lolly, taking a lick, and handing it back over to him. “Speaking of, where are Harry and Teddy?”

“Upstairs. They’ve been up there over an hour, though I figured that would happen. You know how long they can talk for, especially given how long they’ve been apart.” 

“Do you think it’s going okay?” 

“I do, yeah.” Remus hummed, looking up into the mostly cloudless sky. “I think there’s just a lot to discuss. You know how angry Harry has been, and how much guilt Teddy has been feeling.” 

“Well, given there’s been no screaming or slamming doors, I think we’re in the clear for any family falling outs.” 

“God, I hope. We deserve a rest,” Remus groaned and focused his attention back on James, who had red, melted lolly dripping down his face and staining his white shirt. “Why do parents ever buy their kids white clothes? I swear I did not dress Teddy in light colors until they were at least five years old.” 

“Hey, it’s not our kid and not our bath time we have to worry about tonight. All our job is is to provide sweet treats and spoil him rotten. 

“Well, then I think we’re doing everything just right.” 

*

Later that night, long after Harry and James had finally left, Remus overheard a one sided conversation coming from Teddy’s room. He had gone up to say goodnight, but his knuckle froze midair. He knew better than to eavesdrop, but he couldn’t help it. After years of being lied to and having a kid who snuck around him, he couldn’t help but eavesdrop. 

“Dear God, please give me the strength to stay sober,” Teddy said, their voice muffled by the door in-between Remus and him. “Give me the strength to resist addictions and continue through life happy and healthy.” 

Remus hadn’t realized Teddy prayed, though he wasn’t entirely shocked given the twelve step program relied heavily on spirituality and God. Religion wasn’t part of their lives growing up, and Remus often wondered if things would’ve turned out differently if he had raised them to believe in something bigger than themselves. Teddy turned to drugs for his answers, but maybe that was because he didn’t know there were any other options.  

“I understand my mistakes and I ask that you help me move past them. I want to apologize to everyone, to mean it, but sometimes I find it hard. I don’t think people fully believe me, and I’m scared I don’t believe me either. Please give me the confidence in myself and others to make these apologies and continue to mend my relationships.” 

Remus really needed to leave. This wasn’t for him to listen to. 

“I don’t want to lose Dad or Sirius, and I think I will if I relapse. I can’t lose them. I don’t know how to live without my dad…” Teddy whispered. “Please, God. Please help me stay sober. I can’t lose t-them.” 

Remus’ throat tightened at the quiver in Teddy’s voice and he took it as his cue to leave. He couldn’t stand to hear his baby talk like that, to beg someone to keep him sober for the sake of Remus. 

As he walked back to the bedroom, he threw a silent prayer up to God, too. 

Dear God, if you’re listening, please don’t take my baby away.

*

Remus startled awake to the sound of screaming. He glanced over at Sirius first, who was curled tightly under the blanket, his lips slightly parted and his hair sprawled across the pillow. He heard another scream, followed by whimpers, and he was out of bed before his brain could register what was happening. 

It wasn’t the first time he had been awoken like this in the past month, and he knew it wouldn’t be the last. 

He walked down the hall to Teddy’s room, not bothering to knock, and pushed open the bedroom door. There, in bed, Teddy was thrashing around, their body covered in a shiny layer of sweat. 

“Teds—” Remus whispered and crouched down on the ground next to the bed, his eyes level with Teddy’s body. He gently reached over and shook his son’s shoulder, enough to pull him from his nightmare, but not enough to startle him too badly. 

Teddy gasped and his eyes shot open, looking around the room frantically before they landed on Remus. 

“W-what?” Tears were dripping down their cheeks, though Remus wasn’t sure if he was even aware. 

“You had a nightmare. You were screaming.” 

Teddy brought up the back of his hand to wipe at his eyes and then ran a shaky hand through his damp curls. His body was quivering as they pushed himself up, eyes focused on the mattress. 

“They feel so r-real.” 

“I know, Bug…but they’re not real. You’re here and you’re safe. You’re in bed right now, you’re home.” 

Teddy took in a deep breath, exhaling it slowly through his mouth, just like Remus had shown them the first night they awoke with nightmares. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sometimes he did, but most of the time he didn’t. Remus always offered, just like he did with Sirius. Though, after twenty years together, Remus could guess Sirius’ nightmares without needing to even ask. They were normally the same thing. 

“Harry died,” Teddy said, words hollow. “He was trapped in a car that was drowning. I did everything I could to get him out but my feet weren’t moving. I felt like I was underwater. I couldn’t see properly or hear and…and there were needles everywhere so I couldn’t walk forward without stabbing myself.” Teddy shut their eyes and his head fell backwards, meeting the wall with a gentle thud. “It always feels so real. I don’t u-understand why I keep getting them.” 

“Because our brains suck sometimes.” 

Teddy smiled, but he looked exhausted. Remus wondered how many nights he had nightmares. It wasn’t likely they all led to Teddy screaming loud enough that Remus woke up. 

“I’d like to trade mine in.” 

“Wouldn’t that be nice, hm?” Remus pushed himself up, having to grip onto the edge of the nightstand for support. He headed towards the door, sleep creeping back into his body now that he had confirmation Teddy was okay. 

“Dad?” Teddy stopped him before he could walk out.

“Hm?”

“Could…could you stay with me? Just for a little while I fall back asleep?” Teddy’s voice was small and timid and it broke Remus’ heart into a million pieces. “I think I’m a little too big to be crawling into your bed with nightmares.” 

Remus smiled and walked back into the room. He motioned for Teddy to move over and then took a place on the bed. 

“Just a bit, yeah. Sirius is currently hogging most of the bed right now anyway. I don’t think I’ll even fit properly.” 

Teddy laid down, not hesitating to rest his head on Remus’ lap and curl into his body. Remus responded by placing a hand on their head, fingers running through their curls. 

“Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?” Teddy asked through a yawn. 

Oh, Bug, I’ll stay with you forever if you’d ask me to

“Of course. Get some rest, I’ll be right here.” 

*

Remus held up a can of tomato soup, wondering when his life had become so dull that the highlight of his week was splurging on soup. As he placed the can in his trolly, he made a mental note to ask Sirius on a date. A proper date, where they dressed up and left the house, went somewhere fancy, and maybe even got tipsy. For now, he was stuck shopping alone, his cane hanging off the handle bars of the trolly and a crumpled grocery list in his hand. Teddy berated him earlier when he saw that Remus still wrote out his notes, but Remus didn’t care. He liked the routine of it all. He liked creating the list and crossing it off and–oh god. Yes. Yes he needed a date night. He’d call Sirius the second he was home. 

Sirius was held up in a business meeting all afternoon with a high end gallery in London who wanted to auction off some of his paintings. Remus had tried to get Teddy to join him, but Teddy was still in bed and grumbled out some excuse as to why he simply had to stay in the comfort of his bed instead of braving the hell that was Tesco on a Friday. 

He continued his shopping, choosing self check out to avoid small talk. Sirius was the chatty one and acted like it was his life mission in stores to talk with the cashiers in order to assure they have a nice interaction at least once during their shift. Remus loved him for it, but right now he loved avoiding small talk more. 

He gathered his bag and pulled out his phone quickly to check the time.

Teddy: don’t forget my ice cream :-) choco chip

Remus chucked at this. He had been buying Teddy the same ice cream since they were a little boy. He sent out a quick response before shoving his phone in his pocket and adjusting the bags around so he could hold onto his cane.

Remus: When have I ever? Leaving now, be home soon xx

He was nearly to the car when a gasp startled him out of his thoughts. A woman with long platinum blonde hair and icy blue eyes walked towards him. She was wearing a billowy sundress, had a beaded handbag, and wore what looked to be five different necklaces with various charms dangling from them. Her body was covered in floral tattoos, the most noticeable being the vines wrapped around her wrist and twisting around her fingers tip.

“Hello?” Remus asked awkwardly, glancing quickly over his shoulder to make sure she wasn’t looking at someone else. 

“You’re in danger.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“You are in danger,” she repeated, her voice dainty yet firm. She came closer to him and Remus saw glitter smudged across her cheeks, the sun causing her skin to sparkle. 

“I think you may have the wrong person—” 

“No.” She shook her head. “No, it’s you. I had a premonition.” She paused for a moment, worry flooding her features. “Be wary of the road you take.”

That was all she said before turning and walking away, leaving Remus honest-to-god gobsmacked. He stayed in place and stared at the women walking away until his arms ached from holding the bags. 

“What the hell...” He mumbled under his breath and finished his walk to his car. 

After depositing the groceries into the passenger seat, he slid into his own seat and pulled out his phone again, pulling up Sirius’ contact. 

 

Remus: You will not believe what just happened to me. 

Remus: Call me when you can LOLL

 

He turned the key on, found a playlist, and then tossed his phone onto the seat next to him. 

Be wary of the road you take. What the hell did that even mean? The only road he was taking today was the one that led him back to his house, where he planned to stay for the rest of the day and, if the universe gave him a break, all weekend. 

He chuckled to himself as he pulled out of the car park, half convinced he imagined the conversation after ruminating about how boring his life had become. 

He pulled to a red light, still biting back a smile. He didn’t believe in premonitions, but this lady sure did and she looked scared. 

Remus watched the light turn green and began to pull into the intersection. He looked both ways as he crossed, though it didn’t grant him enough time to avoid the truck that was speeding through the red light, his car pummeling into Remus’. 

The last thing Remus recalled before passing out was the lady with blonde hair. Be wary of the road you take.  

*

“No he absolutely cannot! Are you fucking kidding me?” 

Sirius’ voice was loud, yet distorted. He was in the same room, but sounded miles away. Remus wasn’t sure if he was still dreaming or not. He wasn’t even sure if he was alive. The last few hours came to him in flashes, but he wasn’t awake long enough to remember any of it in detail.

“Sir, you don’t need to yell—” 

“I’m going to yell! This fucker wants to come in and apologize while my husband—”

Remus didn’t catch the end of Sirius’ sentence, the nurse dragging him out of the room before he could get his words out. The door shut quietly behind the both of them, Sirius’ voice more muffled than before. 

Remus’ eyes remained shut, the voices in the hall growing further and further away as sleep took hold of him once more and he was pulled away. 

*

The next time he woke up, there was no shouting. There was just steady beeping and a warm feeling in his hand. He cautiously opened one of his eyes, scared of being blinded again. He had tried sometime earlier, but the second his eyes were open, he regretted it and forced them closed again. It was slightly easier this time. 

He tried to speak, but there was something covering his mouth and his throat burned. Well, his whole body burned. He felt like he was on fire, every breath agonizing. He wanted to cry, but crying may hurt too, so he stayed frozen. 

“He’s been in and out. I don’t think he’s fully here when he’s awake though. He hasn’t said anything,” Sirius was saying, his voice calmer than before. Remus didn’t even know when before was. How long had he been here? Where was he? What had happened?

“Yeah, yeah. They think he’ll be okay mentally. They just don’t know if he’ll be able to walk. They can’t test the extent of—” 

Remus made a pained noise in the back of his throat, just loud enough for Sirius’ attention to be turned to him. 

Walk? He wouldn’t be able to walk?

“I have to go,” he said quickly to whoever he was on the phone with, hanging up and tossing it to the side as if the phone was useless. Sirius stood up, hand still in Remus’, though he gave it a gentle squeeze this time. 

Remus opened both of his eyes, glancing up to see Sirius’ outline looking down at him. 

Where was Teddy? Was Teddy okay? 

“T-teddy,” he tried, his voice muffled by the mask. 

“I can’t understand you.” Sirius reached forward to gently take the mask off, though it hardly helped with enunciation.

“Teddy…” 

“What, baby?” 

“Where’s T-Teddy…” Teddy. Teddy. Teddy. Was Teddy okay? They had to be. Was Teddy at home? Had they relapsed? Were they alive? 

“Teddy?” 

“Teddy,” Remus mumbled again, his head lulling to the side. Teddy. He needed to see Teddy.

“Why do you need Teddy? Remus—” Sirius paused, reaching forward to gently touch his cheek. It was too late though, Remus was once again slipping into sleep. 

*

“Are you really awake this time?” Sirius asked as Remus stirred to consciousness. Sirius’ chin rested on the edge of the mattress, his eyes shut. Remus wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but Sirius was still gripping onto his hand. 

Remus didn’t respond, causing Sirius to open his eyes and lift his head up. He looked over Remus’ figure, his brows knitted together in worry. “Every time I think you’re awake, you mumble nonsense and fall back asleep,” Sirius said. 

Remus wasn’t sure if he was actually talking to him, or just talking at him. Remus wasn’t exactly the best conversationalist right now. 

“It’s sort of starting to freak me out. They said you wouldn’t be out this long and I suppose you’re not out, but you’re definitely not here. I—” 

Remus cut Sirius off, using all his strength to squeeze the shaking hand that was in his. 

“M’awake,” he finally managed to say, his voice raspy. 

Sirius stared down at him and Remus slowly opened his eyes, nodding his head ever so slightly. 

“Awake enough.” 

“Fuck.” Sirius let go of Remus’ hand and swooped down to very gently kiss his forehead. Sirius was treating him like he was made of glass, ready to shatter at any moment, something he had never done before. “Fuck, you’re a-awake.” His hand shook as it cupped Remus’ cheek. 

Was he crying? Remus knew the signs of Sirius’ crying: shaky hands, quivering voice, quicker breathing. Why was he crying? 

“Mhm,” was all Remus could supply at this moment. He wanted to ask what was wrong, but he couldn’t gather the strength to mutter the words. He could hardly gather the strength to stay awake. 

“Let me call the nurse. H-he needs to know you’re awake. He t-told me to call him,” Sirius rambled, lifting his body up and stretching over Remus to hit the red call button by his head. “You’re okay.” 

Again, Remus didn’t know if Sirius was talking to him or talking to himself. 

The next few minutes were a whirlwind of movement, talking, and probing. People were asking him things and he was responding, or at least he thought he was. Numbers were being passed from doctor to doctor and the blanket covering Remus’ body was lifted carefully, the nurses examining whatever damage was hiding underneath. 

Next to him, Sirius remained silent, gripping Remus’ hand tightly. Remus kept his gaze on him instead of anything the doctors and nurses were doing. He couldn’t care less about them, all he wanted was Sirius. Sirius, who looked destroyed. His eyes were puffy and red, his cheeks were pale, his hair was frizzy, most likely from being anxiously played with, and his lip was raw from being chewed on. His necklace with his wedding ring now bore two rings, the second one Remus’. They must’ve stripped him of everything when he got here. He was sure he was naked under all the layers of blankets, though he couldn’t quite tell. It was simultaneously too many sensations and none at all. 

“Hello Mr. Lupin, my name is Dr. Patterson. I’ve been the one assigned to your case and the one who oversaw your surgeries.” 

Surgeries? Multiple? 

“Okay.” 

“Do you know where you are?” 

“Hospital?” It came out uncertain because Remus felt like he was being quizzed, like he was missing some hidden answer. 

He turned his attention to the closed door, his eyes focusing and unfocusing on his surroundings. 

Once again, he thought of Teddy. Was he okay? Were they at home? Were they staying sober? Did they know what had happened? His mind was racing, and all he could think about was his child. 

“Mr. Lupin?” 

Remus snapped out of his thoughts and brought his attention back to the doctor. 

“Sorry, what?” 

“I said, is it okay if I ask you some questions to determine the range of your memory?” 

Remus nodded and felt the grip on his hand grow tighter. He couldn’t fail this test. 

“To start, I want you to remember three words: Apple, Car, and Dog.” Once Remus nodded again, he continued. “Do you know what day it is?” 

“Uh…August…August something? I…I don’t think I could’ve told you that even if I wasn’t here. It’s the last week of my summer holiday, I’m not keeping track of the days.” 

Dr. Patterson gave him a soft smile, nodding his head and jotting something down. 

“Can you tell me when your birthday is?” 

“March 10, 1977,” Remus mumbled and then added, “Pisces.” for good measure. 

Sirius chuckled at this, bringing a hand to wipe at his teary eyes again. Remus didn’t even know his sign before he met Sirius, which Sirius quickly changed. On their second official date, Sirius printed out information about both their signs and compatibility. Remus fell in love right then and there. There was no going back after that; it was always going to be Sirius. 

“I’m a Pisces too, though my birthday is March 13.” 

Teddy’s birthday. Teddy. Teddy. Teddy. 

He glanced at Sirius without saying anything, getting confirmation that they were both thinking of the same thing. 

“Teddy…” He mumbled and the doctor looked up from his clipboard. 

“Hm?” 

“Our kid…that’s their birthday, too. March 13.”

“Ah, a very good day to be born,” he said, far too chipper for the situation they were in right now. “Final question, what did you eat for breakfast this morning?” 

That was a trick question because Remus didn’t eat breakfast this morning. He had planned to, but he and Sirius got caught up in kissing which led to sex, as it usually did, and then he was running late for his meeting with the museum curator. By the time Remus got out of bed, he wasn’t in the mood to cook breakfast, instead opting for a cup of tea. 

“Didn’t.” 

“Didn’t what?” 

“I didn’t have breakfast this morning. I skipped it. Woke up late.” The last part was a lie, but it hardly mattered. 

Dr. Patterson looked to Sirius for confirmation, who nodded his head. 

“Can you tell me the three words?” 

“Apple, Car, and Dog.”

“Right.” He clipped the pen to the edge of his jacket pocket. “I am not concerned about your memory, which is great. Memory and cognitive function is one of the first things we check after major injuries. Have you been briefed on what happened?” 

“No.” 

It came to him with a horrible jolt. Be wary of the road you take. 

“She was right,” he muttered, shaking his head slightly in disbelief. Had he met some sort of angel looking out for him? He didn’t think those things existed. 

“Who?” 

“The girl…the…the blonde lady from the car park.” 

Both Sirius and the doctor gave him a quizzical look, but neither of them pressed on. 

“Some lady stopped me, told me I was in danger. She told me, “be wary of the road you take”, and then walked away. I…I laughed it off but…fuck, I think she was right.” 

Dr. Patterson jotted something down and Remus whipped his head to the side, gasping slightly in pain. 

“I-I’m not crazy,” his words stuttered from the sudden pain radiating down his body. “I…I texted Sirius. I…you can check his phone.” 

“Baby, no one thinks you’re crazy.” 

“I…but—” 

“I believe you,” Dr. Patterson said, though Remus didn’t believe him. “Is it okay if I run through what happened? We can hold off if you are feeling overwhelmed with information.” 

Remus doubted he was fully in the right mind to take it all in, but he wanted to know. 

“Alright.” 

“You were in a car accident. A semi truck ran a red light and smashed into your car. You were unconscious on the scene and didn’t wake up until you were approaching the hospital.” 

Remus didn’t recall any of this. 

“I don’t know if you remember much of what happened.”

“I don’t, no…I don’t remember being awake.” 

“That’s okay. You were rushed into surgery. The damage was extensive, and your leg took most of the blow. Your femur was broken and you suffered severe nerve damage to other surrounding areas. We performed open reduction and internal fixation, ORIF, which is just a fancy way of saying we realigned the femur with a metal rod and screws.” The doctor paused, giving Remus a moment to take in all the information. “You suffered three fractured ribs, which, unfortunately, won't heal with surgery. Those heal naturally over time with lots of rest, icing, and medication. As well, a dislocated shoulder, which has been realigned, and a severe concussion. Again, that will heal over time with rest and medication. The remaining injuries were cuts from shattered glass, which have all been sealed with stitches.”

Remus groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. His body was shattered. 

“Your memory and cognitive function, from what we can tell right now, seem to be great. The only thing left to test is body function. Since you suffered severe nerve damage, there is a chance—” 

Remus cut him off, his eyes flying open again. “I could be paralyzed?” 

“Yes.” 

He squeezed Sirius’ hand, to test that he could do it, and then squeezed his other hand, watching his fingers curl tightly into fist. Two down. 

“Do you mind if I lift your blanket up?” 

Remus shook his head, his eyes following the doctor. 

“Can you wiggle your right toes.” Remus did and the doctor hummed and wrote something down. He placed his hand under the heel of his feet. “Can you push down against my hand?” Remus did and the doctor’s hand moved to the top of his foot. “And now push up against my hand.” Again, Remus did. “Can you feel this?” He asked, dragging a small metal instrument he had in his pocket up the bottom of Remus’ foot.  Remus nodded. “Great, and now can you wiggle your left toes?” 

Again, he did, but the doctor didn’t jot any notes down. 

“Can you try again?” 

Remus moved his toes again. 

He repeated the same up and down motions he had asked before. He moved the instrument up and down his foot, looking at Remus expectedly. Remus, who was zoned out again, didn’t notice. 

“Can you feel this?” 

“Feel what?” 

The doctor moved the instrument again, though Remus’ leg had no reaction. 

Sirius, who was watching the whole thing from the side, looked close to letting out a sob. He bit down on his lip, wiping desperately at his eyes. 

The doctor wrote one more thing down on the clipboard before shoving his pen into his pocket again. 

“Your right leg and foot look great. Your muscles are weaker right now, but with time you can regain strength. Your left, however, had no response to anything.” 

“I wiggled my toes.” 

“You didn’t.” 

“I…yes I did. Look, I’m doing it right now.” He said, though his toes weren’t moving. 

“Your toes aren’t moving and your foot didn’t move when I asked you to press up and down.” 

Remus felt sick to his stomach. 

“There’s a chance that this will change as you continue to heal, so I will come back regularly to check up on progress.” The doctor gave both boys a small smile. “Do you have any other questions before I leave?” 

“So…that’s it? I’m most likely paralyzed?” 

“I wouldn’t put any final labels on it quite yet. There’s—” 

Remus scoffed, cutting him off from continuing. “I can’t feel anything or move any part of my leg. I’m not feeling very hopeful about a better label.” 

“I do not feel comfortable deeming you one way or another yet. I want to do some more tests before making any final calls.” 

Remus didn’t say anything and, after a minute of silence, Dr. Peterson finally cleared out. 

“Remus—” 

“I don’t want to talk.” 

“Okay.” Sirius nodded, not dropping Remus’ hand as he slowly sat back down in the chair he had pulled up next to the bed. “Do you need anything? Are you in pain?” 

“Yes I’m in pain!” His throat hurt as he raised his voice, but he couldn’t help himself. Of course he was in pain! Couldn’t Sirius see the damage? Didn’t he hear the doctor say he was currently paralyzed on half his body? 

“Sorry…” Sirius’ voice was small and Remus wanted to punch himself for yelling at the one person who was unconditionally by his side. The one person who would continue to support and love him no matter his body. 

Instead, he closed his eyes and feigned sleep. 

*

Remus slept on and off for the next twenty four hours. He was woken up every thirty minutes to get his vitals taken, attempted to eat some jello and then promptly vomited it up, had his bandages changed, and went through testing over his memory and his mobility again. Memory was great, leg had not improved. The doctor officially deemed him as paraplegic. 

He would have to do physical therapy, once he was more healed, and would have to rely on walking aids for the rest of his life. After another scan, the doctor deemed that the nerve damage was so severe that it was unlikely he’d gain feeling or mobility in the leg again. Luckily, it was just his left leg, everything else he had control over. He most likely would be able to get by on crutches or a walker, being able to avoid needing a wheelchair. Sirius said they should get one anyway, just in case, but Remus wasn’t convinced. 

He qualified for getting a KAFO (knee-ankle-foot orthosis), but it would take weeks to get to him. He had to be fitted and then it was sent off to be custom made. He also needed to be able to walk around in general before adding a brand new aid. 

For now, the doctors and nurses were only concerned with him resting. Walking and moving around would come later. 

“Can I see them?” 

“Teddy and Harry?” 

“Mhm.” 

“Yes, but there’s only one guest at a time. I’ll have to leave.” 

“S’okay…” Remus said with a yawn. It had been over a day since he had been admitted and Sirius hadn’t left his side once. Meaning, Teddy and Harry hadn’t been able to visit. Remus wasn’t the best company right now. He had mostly been sleeping, only now feeling he had a little energy to keep his eyes open. He needed to see his kids though, and he assumed they needed to see him. 

“They’re both home right now. I sent them home to get some sleep last night. I’ll ask them to come by.” Sirius rubbed his eyes and reached for his phone. “Are you up for guests right now?” 

“Mhm.” As ready as he would ever be, given the state he was in. 

*

Forty minutes later, Sirius was gone and replaced with Harry and Teddy. They had mischievous grins and were giggling between themselves. 

“How are both of you here?” Remus sighed, feeling like he did when he used to hear them giggling down the hall. It always ended in trouble. 

“I told the nurse I was his dad and that they were a minor and couldn’t be left alone,” Harry said proudly, flinging an arm around Teddy’s shoulder. “Don’t you see the resemblance?” 

“Oh yes, definitely. You two could be twins,” Remus said, rolling his eyes. Minus the fact Harry had dark skin and Teddy was nearly translucent, Teddy could not pull off being a minor. That kid had been through ten lifetimes and he was only twenty three. The drugs hadn’t been kind to his youthful face. “I think the nurse just didn’t want to put up a fight against two people who would not give up so easily.” 

Both their faces fell when they took Remus and his battered body in. Then the deafening silence took over, the same silence that had been haunting Remus since he arrived.

“Are you okay?” Teddy was the first to break the silence, standing awkwardly by the door. 

He’d be a fool to lie, it was obvious he wasn’t okay. 

“I’m alive,” Remus said instead and Teddy rushed forward. They practically threw themselves into Remus’ chest, wrapping his arms around whatever part of Remus he could. 

“Teds—” Harry tried, but Remus waved him off. He’d accept this sort of pain. 

“It’s okay.” Remus did his best to hug Teddy back, but it hurt and the machines he was attached to made every movement awkward and tangled. 

“You can’t die, Dad. You can’t. Not now, not ever.” 

The words Teddy prayed the other week echoed in Remus’ head. All he could do was squeeze Teddy.  

“I’ll do my best,” Remus offered a weak chuckle as Teddy pulled back. 

He glanced to Harry, motioning for him to come over too. Remus reached a hand out and Harry gripped it tightly. 

“Fuck,” Harry said, and tears welled up in his eyes. 

“Fuck indeed.” 

“Does…I…I mean, it hurts. I know it does. But, does it hurt a lot right now? Is there anything you need?” 

“No, no I’m okay right now. I’m pumped up on so many pain killers, I don’t think they’d be allowed to give me anything else.” Remus’ brain was hazy and for an awful moment, he understood the appeal Teddy got from it. He did feel wonderful. Floaty. At ease. 

“Yeah, feels pretty nice, huh?”
Silence. And then the room erupted in giggles, albeit tired, but giggles all the same. 

“Mate,” Harry groaned and flopped himself down into the guest cot that Sirius had been occupying. 

“Sorry, sorry! Just trying to lighten the mood. I’m sober, I am.” Teddy grinned, looking very proud of themselves. “Just saying, I know exactly how you’re feeling. Enjoy it while it lasts.” 

“Thank you.” Remus shook his head and watched Teddy retreat ever so slightly, standing between Harry and Remus. “Though I don’t think I should be taking any advice from you on the matter.” 

“Hey, who better to take advice from than the addict himself?” 

“They do sort of have a point,” Harry pointed out after a loud yawn. It was clear neither of them had gotten any sleep. 

Sirius had updated them instantly on Remus’ health, but Remus asked him to edit out the part about the paralysis. He didn’t want to give them one more thing to fret over, not now, not when he couldn’t even get out of bed. Teddy had been planning to move out by the end of next month and, knowing them, they’d cancel all their plans to stay and help with Remus’ recovery if they found out the full extent of it. Remus couldn’t be the thing holding them back, not when he was doing so well right now. 

“Do you know when you can go home?” 

“No. I’m not even eating right now. You missed a very fun and not at all embarrassing breakfast vomit extraordinaire.” 

“Lovely!” Harry said with a chuckle. “I’ll have to ask Sirius for the details later.” 

“Please don’t. But, to answer your question, no clue. Once I’m able to do normal body things and am not as reliant on all the machines, I’ll be transferred to a different unit. There, they’ll help me with rehabilitation. Once I can at least move on my own, well, with the help of crutches most likely, I’ll get to go home.” 

“You’ll need crutches?” Teddy asked and Harry groaned again. 

“Teddy, honestly, were you not listening to anything Sirius told us? He has a metal rod in his leg from a broken femur, of course he’ll need crutches as he relearns to walk.” 

“Geez. Since when did you get a degree, Dr. Potter?” 

“It’s not that hard to—” 

“None of this, please. Keep all bickering outside of this room.” 

“Sorry, Dad,” Teddy said at the same time Harry said, “Sorry, Remus.” 

“I have a lovely concussion, which feels like the worst migraine I’ve ever had times a hundred.” 

“I’m really sorry. Neither of us slept last night, James included. It was like he knew you were in trouble. Right when I fell asleep around four, he woke me back up at six. Ginny tried to take him away from the room and distract him with breakfast, but he wanted to stay in bed with us.” 

“S’okay. I don’t think any of us slept well. I’m surprised Sirius hasn’t cracked yet. I’m sort of waiting for his crash out.” Remus smiled, despite himself. 

“Sleepless Sirius is a scary beast.” 

“Yes, and right now he is sleepless and unbelievably stressed. Did he go home?” 

“You’re funny,” Harry said teasingly. “No, he’s in the lobby. Teddy and I told him to go home and shower while we’re in here, but he wouldn’t leave.” 

Remus hummed in response and let his eyes flutter close, just for a moment. It was too hard for him to keep himself awake. Sleep invited him and held him in a warm hug. In sleep, he couldn’t feel pain. He didn’t have to think about his body. He didn’t have to think about anything. 

When he opened his eyes the room was dark and Harry and Teddy had left, replaced again with Sirius who was curled up in the cot. He looked at him for a minute before shutting his eyes again.

*

Day five, and Remus hadn’t left his bed yet. They were hoping to get him up and moving in the next few days, but he wasn’t counting on anything. Although he hadn’t moved, his body ached like no other. Due to his ribs, the slightest movement hurt, and his concussion was making it hard for him to do anything that required eyesight. He couldn’t use his phone and Sirius read to him out loud, because it strained his eyes too much to read. 

Sirius had offered to give Remus a small “bath” with baby wipes, but Remus declined. It had been five days of sitting in filth, he didn’t want to resort to someone having to wipe his full body down. The nurses had been offering the same thing for the last two days, but, like Sirius, he pushed the offers away. He already had to have someone help him shit and piss into a bedpan, he wanted to keep a small part of his dignity. He didn’t like relying so heavily on others to do basic tasks for him. Even Sirius holding a cup out for him to spit his toothpaste in after brushing felt like too much.

He wasn’t sure what caused the break, but one moment he was staring out the window and the next he felt hot tears drip down his cheeks and a sob creep up his throat. 

The moment the sob left his mouth, Sirius shot his head up and looked over at Remus. He had been doodling on his tablet, earphones in and a podcast most likely playing. He ripped his earphones out and tossed the tablet to the side. 

“Remus? What’s the matter?” He rushed over to the bed and looked Remus over, as if the answer would appear magically. 

“I d-don’t want a b-bath,” he cried. 

Sirius raised a brow, opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it again. Confusion spread over his face as he took in the words. “Who said anything about a bath?” 

“You d-did.” 

“Yeah, hours ago. You said no.” 

“I know, but I n-need one.” Remus groaned at the ridiculousness of his emotions. “I need one and I n-need my hair washed and I n-need clean clothes and—” 

“Hey…hey, take a deep breath.” 

“I c-can’t breathe! I can’t. I..I can’t do a-anything. I have to have someone help me s-shit and…and I’m completely useless. And I need a fucking b-bath.” 

Sirius was silent for a moment before he giggled, which spiraled into laughter. 

“What’s the matter with you?” 

“I’m sorry, but you’re right. You do need a bath. You’re starting to smell…um…not well.” 

Remus smiled at this and let out a wet chuckle himself. He brought a hand up to wipe at his eyes and nose, not worried about the snot. Apparently he was getting a bath soon. 

“And, for the record, you’re not useless. You’ve been in a huge accident and it’s only been five days. You’re doing brilliantly for your circumstances. The nurses have seen worse. Besides, you’re hardly pooping anyway, my constipated love.” 

“Don’t remind me.” Remus gave Sirius a weak smile. 

“I can’t wait to celebrate when you have a proper poo. I’m going to text the family group chat and everything.” 

“Oh, please don’t, that’s okay.” 

“No, no. It’s going to be huge news!” 

“Sirius.” 

“Remus?” 

“Stop.”

Sirius smiled and leaned down, pressing a kiss to Remus’ head. “Let me take care of you,” he whispered into Remus’ greasy hair. “Let me help.” 

“Okay…” Remus finally said, giving in after all. 

Sirius called a nurse in, explaining the situation. She helped gather the supplies for hair washing and a sponge bath, giving Sirius explicit instructions of what to do, as to not irritate any of the wounds. She helped undress Remus’ surgical wounds, stating she’d come back to dress them in clean bandages when they were done. 

Sirius got to work once the door was shut, starting first with Remus' hair. The nurse had helped incline Remus’ bed, so it was easier for Sirius to reach and clean his husband without interfering with any of the wires or tubes Remus had. 

“Lean back,” he murmured and Remus complied. 

They were silent as Sirius carefully washed his hair, paying extra attention to rub Remus’ scalp. Remus, a little touch starved, nearly moaned out loud at the feeling, but managed to keep it together. 

“James and Lily had to do this for me after my surgery,” Sirius said as he began to wash out the shampoo. “I was so embarrassed, but James didn’t care. He helped wipe me down with baby wipes everyday and gave me waist down showers. He even helped with my drains for the first few days, because the sight made me nauseous. Lily, the angel, washed my hair in her studio. She was a hairdresser and determined to give me full spa treatment while I wasn’t allowed to properly shower. My hair had never been so messy and oily in my life. She was a god sent.” 

“They’re lovely people. I’m glad you had them during recovery.” 

“Mhm…” Sirius sighed, leaning down to kiss Remus’ forehead, despite his hair wet and now covered in conditioner. “I love you, you know?” 

“I had a feeling,” Remus responded with a smile. 

“I promise to give you the most relaxing and rewarding bath of your life the day you get back, okay? I’ll go out and buy you the nicest bath bomb I can find, light some fucking candles or something. Whatever you want.” 

“Will you be part of the scene?” 

“Oh yes. I’ll be right in there with you. And, maybe if you’re lucky, I may even put on a show.” 

“Oh, if I’m lucky? I have to earn sex now?” 

Sirius hummed, shrugging innocently. They hadn’t talked about sex, though Remus didn’t care. It was the last thing on his mind right now. It was a nice distraction from everything else, even if he didn’t know if he’d even be able to have sex again. He didn’t know if it would impact his ability to get or stay hard, or the way his paralyzes would physically change the ways in which he could engage. They’d have to get creative, though that was never a problem for them. And besides, Sirius always loved to be on top and take control, so he’d have no trouble taking the reins for a while while they settled into a new normal. 

“You worry about recovering, I’ll worry about the rest.” 

“Deal.” 

*

Remus glanced to the side to see Teddy eating ice cream. He had tried to get them to eat the cone before getting into the car, but it was raining and Remus gave in. He always did. He’d do anything for his baby. 

“Please try not to drip onto the seat,” Remus said as the light turned green, his eyes focused on the road again. 

“I won’t, Daddy,” Teddy said, his hands covered in a sticky mess.

Remus glanced over at his little boy again, his heart warming at the sight. Teddy had just turned eight and, along with ice cream in the car, he begged to be able to sit in the front seat. Remus was hesitant, scared of the risk, but technically he was allowed. So, like the ice cream, he gave in. 

Remus rolled through the next green light, not seeing the car coming right at them. Before he had time to swerve, the car was hit, crushed, and thrown across the road. 

Remus was fine, hardly scratched, but Teddy…oh Teddy. He was crumpled in on himself, blood gushing from his head and ice cream fallen to the ground. 

“Teddy?” Remus unbuckled his seat, his son not moving. “Teddy! Teddy wake up!” Was he breathing? He wasn’t breathing—

Remus woke with a gasp, his body shooting up. His chest was heaving and he was thankful he was no longer attached to a heart monitor, because it would’ve been beeping frantically. His reaction brought attention to the fact he was now awake. Teddy and Harry, who were sitting on the floor and playing a card game, looked up and over to the bed. 

Remus had been moved to a different room now that he was more stable and off the constant IVs. He wasn’t hooked up to machines and, as slow as it was, he was making progress in terms of moving. He was “walking”, aka shuffling around with the help of a walker, a nurse, and Sirius to keep him held up. It wasn’t much, but it was progress. 

“What’s the matter?” Teddy jumped up, abandoning the cards and rushing over to the side of Remus’ bed. They looked over Remus’ body, the way Sirius would, as if there would be some physical indication of what was wrong. 

“Bad dream,” he whispered, slowly sinking back onto the bed. His head was spinning, the pain of the crash and the vision of Teddy’s bloody body so real and vivid. “Where’s Sirius?” 

“He’s on the phone outside. I think he’s talking with those gallery people.” 

Remus’ stomach sank and he wished, not for the first time, he could just sleep the next few weeks away. Guilt filled his gut at Harry’s words, and no amount of reminding himself it wasn’t his fault would make him feel better. 

Sirius had to pull out of his partnership with the gallery because he was spending all his free time here. He got the call in the middle of his meeting with them that Remus had been in the crash and then dropped everything to get to the hospital. They had offered for him to use his old paintings but, at the end of the day, Sirius didn’t want to auction things off unless it was his best work. Plus, he didn’t have the time to go help set it up and help arrange for pick up and delivery of his paintings.  Sirius told him a few nights ago that he wasn’t going to continue to work with them, at least not now, though he was confident he’d get another offer to work with them soon. 

“Do you want me to get him?” Harry asked and Remus shook his head. 

“Do you need something? Harry and I can help you with whatever.” 

“No, I’m okay,” Remus lied easily, something he had been doing a lot lately. “I just wanted to take a shower and change into fresh clothes before PT.” 

“Okay.” Teddy and Harry hadn’t been helping a lot with Remus’ physical needs, but Remus didn’t expect them to. He didn’t want them to see how fucked up he was from the crash. He didn’t want them to see all the scars under his clothes or the way he was losing weight and his muscles were disappearing. He had two deep cuts across his nose and eyebrow and one on his collarbone, but the rest were easily hidden under clothes. Sirius and the nurses were the only ones who had seen the full picture. 

As if he could sense they were talking about him, Sirius walked through the door. He looked frazzled and exhausted, though he perked up when he noticed Remus was awake finally. 

“You’re up!” He smiled and walked over to the bed, placing a kiss on the top of his head. 

“Just for a minute.” 

“You were out cold when I left.” Sirius brought his hand down to stroke Remus’ cheek, his finger gentle over the scarred skin. Remus didn’t feel beautiful anymore. He felt damaged, broken. He didn’t feel whole. He was disgusted by his reflection, so he wasn’t sure how Sirius could love him the same as he used to. 

“Can you help me with a shower?” 

Sirius nodded, though gave Remus a skeptical look. Remus usually had to be dragged in, because it was such a pain to get him up and out of bed. 

“How about the two of you get some air and some food?” Sirius suggested, though the look he gave them left no room for arguing. The whole process was better if Remus had as much privacy as he could. 

“Yeah, alright. I’ve been listening to Harry’s stomach grumble the last half an hour, it’s getting on my nerves.” Teddy’s normal joking demeanor came across a little too punchy for Remus’ liking. 

Harry just rolled his eyes and quickly cleaned the cards up before heading to the door. 

“Do you want us to bring you back something, Remus?” 

“No.” 

“Not even a milkshake?” 

Remus' appetite was shot and some days he still got nauseous if he ate too much, so he was consuming a lot of protein shakes, smoothies, and milkshakes. And, despite everything happening inside his head, a chocolate shake did sound nice. 

“Yeah, alright. I’ll get a chocolate shake.” 

Harry grinned and threw him a thumbs up, not waiting for Teddy before exiting the room. Teddy followed, giving Remus a weak smile goodbye, before heading out as well. 

“What’s going on with them?” 

“I have no clue. They were like this all day yesterday and today.” 

“I feel like they’re about to bite each other's heads off. It hasn’t been this bad since they were both teenagers.” 

Sirius sighed deeply, reaching over to press the button that would help raise Remus’ bed. 

“I don’t know. I’m trying not to think about it too much. I love them both, but I cannot handle any of their shit right now. I need them to work it out on their own.” 

The only time Harry had truly been angry at Teddy had been when they were using.

The realization hit him like a train and he suddenly felt sick to his stomach. 

“You don’t think—” 

“I don’t know.” Sirius cut him off before he could say the full thing, though Remus knew he knew. “I think they’re just being moody with each other.” It was Sirius’ turn to lie this time, and Remus could see right through him. “Now c’mon. Let’s get you in the shower.” 

*

After a long, long eight weeks in the hospital, Remus was finally released. He had gotten to the point where he was able to walk, albeit slowly, with forearm crutches and a temporary leg brace. He’d be getting his KAFO in the next few weeks, but for now he’d make do. Even once he got his KAFO, he’d still have to use crutches to help him move. It was exhausting to walk around though and required a lot of exertion. The doctor brought up the idea that a wheelchair was going to be much easier on his energy levels and his body, but Remus didn’t want one. Not yet. He wanted to at least try moving around with the crutches and his brace. 

He hadn’t walked more than down the hall or around the hospital courtroom, so he wasn’t sure how longer walks would go. What would happen when he needed to go back to work, or when James wanted to go to the park down the street? Remus pushed the thought out of his head as he was wheeled to the car. 

“If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to call,” his physical therapist, Lacey, said. She had been a godsend the last few weeks and would continue to work with Remus moving forward. He still had to do PT three times a week, so he’d be seeing lots of her. 

Sirius was waiting by the car in the car park loop, looking anxious but forcing a smile on his face as Remus approached. 

“I loaded up your bags and crutches into the boot,” Sirius said, opening up the backdoor. 

They decided it best for Remus to lay in the back across the seats instead of trying to squeeze into the front seat. Before his accident Remus was crushed in the front because of his height. Now, it would be even harder. 

“Okay.” Remus said, but stayed very put in the wheelchair. He looked at the open car door, his heart speeding up. 

The last time he was in a car, he almost died. Now, he was expected to get back in, as if it never happened. 

Sirius was a safe driver, but so was Remus and look at where he was now. Remus wasn’t worried about Sirius, he was worried about the other people on the road. The people who weren’t safe, the people who didn’t care, who didn’t look both ways before zooming through intersections. 

“Remus?” Sirius was suddenly kneeling in front of him, his hands resting on each of Remus’ thighs. 

“Hm?” 

“We don’t have to leave right now. If you need a little longer, we can sit out here.” 

Remus’ face must’ve shown the panic. That or else Sirius was getting incredibly good at reading his mind. 

“I’m scared,” Remus eventually whispered, forcing himself to look into Sirius’ eyes. “I’m scared, Sirius…” 

“I know, love. I can’t even imagine.” He squeezed Remus’ thighs. Remus couldn’t feel the pressure on his left leg, something he still wasn’t used to yet. “How can I help?”

“Fly me home?” Remus teased, but his face hardly showed he was joking. 

“If I could rent you a private jet to take you from here to our house, you know I would. I’d even carry you the walk home, but I’m far too weak and you’re far too tall.” 

Remus tried to smile, but he couldn’t. He was scared. 

“I’m going to drive extra slow and take all the back ways. We’re in absolutely no rush.” 

“It’s not you I’m worried about.” 

“I know…I can’t control others, but I will do everything in my power to keep us both safe.” 

Remus didn’t say anything for what felt like an hour. His mind was racing and revisiting the idea of staying longer, but he also didn’t want to hold Lacey up, who was waiting for him to get up and leave so she could return the wheelchair. 

“Okay, I’m ready,” Remus eventually said and Sirius nodded. 

He leveraged himself up and reached a hand out for Remus to take. “Put all your weight on me, whatever you need.” 

Remus nodded and, with the help of both Sirius and Lacey, managed to get up and into the back seat. They buckled him in the best they could, but he was laying across the seats so the seatbelts hardly did anything. There was no other way to go about this, at least not now. Remus wondered if they’d have to buy a minivan or something, a car that was big enough for Remus to sit in the back and stretch out his leg. 

“Ready?” Sirius asked, glancing into the rearview mirror at Remus. 

“Ready,” Remus said and let his eyes flutter shut. 

*

Remus moved slowly up the pathway to their house. A ramp had been added to the side of the stairs, which Remus hadn’t requested. 

“Harry and Ginny helped set it up last week,” Sirius said, walking close behind Remus, a free hand ready to help if needed. “I’m not sure what we’re going to do about the stairs inside, but we’ll figure it out.” 

Remus hummed, but didn’t say anything else. His entire attention was on not tumbling over. 

He was out of breath by the time he managed to get to the front door, quickly opened by Sirius. 

“How about we settle down on the couch and then we can figure out a game plan for the rest of the day? Teddy and Harry are out buying lunch, but they’ll be back soon.” 

“Okay,” Remus said and slowly maneuvered his way around until he got to the couch and could plop himself down. 

The furniture had been moved around so things were pressed closer to the wall and there was more walking space for Remus to get around. Nothing was left on the floor, to avoid tripping hazards, and Sirius had purchased a new ottoman for the couch, so Remus could stretch his leg out in front of him. 

“You didn’t have to do all of this.” Remus reached down and hauled his lifeless leg up and onto the ottoman that Sirius pushed towards him. “I would’ve figured it out.” 

“Sweetheart, I’m not going to make you struggle in your own home.” Sirius dropped their bags onto the floor and sat down on the couch next to Remus. “We’re going to make this livable, okay? Whatever you need, even if it seems little or, on the contrary, it seems inconvenient.” 

Remus groaned and flopped his head onto the back of the couch. He didn’t like all the changes but he was also very happy to be back home and in his space. Clementine didn’t greet them, which meant she was most likely with Teddy and Harry. Pepper was also absent, but she was most likely in the sunroom, soaking up what little warmth was left in the day. 

“I know, asking for things is your weakness.” Sirius leaned over and kissed his cheek and then forehead. “But alas, here we are.” 

“Here we are,” Remus sighed in agreement. 

“I cleared our room a bit and installed some safety bars in the bathroom. There’s one around the toilet and one in the shower. I also got a shower seat, but if it doesn’t feel comfortable, I can get you a different one. And, as promised, I went out and bought the nicest bath bomb I could find.” 

Remus felt dizzy with emotions, a mix of good and bad. He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to thank Sirius for all of this, so he settled for what he knew would encapsulate it all.

 “I love you.” 

“I love you too, Rem.” 

*

The next three weeks passed agonizingly slow. Although he was glad to be home, it was also very quiet. He didn’t have nurses, a PT, and doctors to talk to, Sirius wasn’t by his side twenty four seven, and Harry and Teddy hadn’t come by as often to keep him company. The quiet was nice, to an extent, but he was also bored. 

He had to take time off of work for the next few months, maybe a year, as he regained strength and coordination to navigate being in a classroom all day. Right now he was still seeing Lacey three times a week and he still hadn’t received his KAFO, so school was the least of his worries. 

Right now, his only worry was resting and trying to get through this book. He had had an especially grueling PT session and his leg was burning. He didn’t want to bother anyone to get his medication though, so instead he sat in the pain. Maybe when Sirius returned he’d ask for something, but for now he was going to read. 

His eyes focused back on the pages, despite his mind wandering to somewhere far far away. 

 

“And I wonder what the sound of a heart breaking might be. And I think it might be quiet, unperceptively so, and not dramatic at all. Like the sound of an exhausted swallow falling gently to earth—”

 

His eyes unfocused again and he finally closed his book, tossing it to the side. 

Teddy appeared from the kitchen, two mugs in their hands. 

“Made you tea,” he said, setting both mugs down onto the coffee table. “We’re out of Earl Grey, so I went for a herbal one instead.” 

“Sirius is at the store to restock right now. He said it was an emergency that we ran out of my favorite tea.”

Before Remus could reach forward to grab the drink, Teddy beat him to it and handed him the mug. 

“Smart,” they hummed in response, waiting for Remus to finish his sip before setting it down on the coffee table again. Teddy glanced to the floor where Remus’ book lay abandoned and he quirked a brow. “That bad?” 

“Not bad at all. My brain is what’s bad.” 

“Are you in pain?” 

“No,” Remus lied. “I just can’t focus. I think I just need some fresh air, but I don’t have the energy to get up again.” 

“I can—” 

“It’s okay,” Remus cut them off with a small smile. “I’m okay. I’m going to bother Sirius later to go for a stroll with me and Clem, which you’re welcome to tag along to.” 

“We’ll see.” Teddy settled back onto the couch, cuddling into Remus’ side like he did when he was younger. 

Remus flung an arm around their shoulder, mildly shocked by the sudden desire for physical touch. He’d never turn away an opportunity to cuddle his son though, especially in times of great pain. 

“I think I may be going to Kit’s later. He invited me over for dinner with his family and I haven’t seen him in awhile. We were going to hit up a meeting beforehand.” 

“Alright,” Remus said, a yawn taking over. He groaned slightly out of pure exhaustion. His bed also sounded lovely, but he hadn’t found a way to smoothly master the stairs yet. Sirius had had someone come install a handrail, but it was still awkward to get up and down on his own. Plus, it was slow, just like everything else was. 

“Do you need anything else?” 

“No, I’m okay.” 

“Okay.” Teddy wrapped his arm around Remus’ center, giving him a hug. Remus responded immediately, hugginh them back with a tight squeeze. He placed a kiss to the top of their head before Teddy finally pulled away and hopped up from the couch.  

Years from now, he’d look back at this memory and guilt would eat him alive for not holding on a little longer. 

*

He tried to push through the pain, really he did, but by the time they had returned from their stroll, Remus was in agony. The pain turned into burning and each step felt like he was walking through open flames. 

“C’mon, let’s get you to the couch and I’ll go get you some pain pills.” Sirius was practically holding all of Remus' weight at this point, Clem’s leash held loosely around his wrist. One pull from the dog and they’d both go down. 

“I’m s-sorry,” Remus whimpered as they managed up the ramp. 

“Don’t be.” Sirius unlocked the door clumsily and held it open for Remus to hobble through. Clem followed suit and Sirius abandoned her leash, letting her walk away with it dragging on the floor. 

Sirius followed closely behind Remus, helping lower him down to the couch and dragging the ottoman closer to him. Without asking, he reached down and hoisted Remus’ leg up. 

“I’ll be right back, okay?” 

Remus nodded his head, not able to form the words. He watched Sirius hurry up the steps, Clem following behind him happily, as if it was a game of chase. 

Not more than a minute later did Sirius come bounding back down the steps, stomping his way into the living room. Remus shot his head up at the noise, quirking a brow at the sudden change in energy. 

“What?” 

Sirius said nothing and held up two empty bottles of pain and anxiety pills, which had just been filled a few days ago. 

Remus’ heart sank at the sight.

Notes:

heeyyyyy :)

Chapter 16: the final apology

Summary:

I told my friend how this fic ends and she looked at me and she said: "what's wrong with you?"

so with that....enjoy....and im sorry!

“Sirius—” Remus tried but Sirius was already turning and making his way back to the stairs. “Sirius!” Remus tried again, pushing himself up but he gasped in pain, falling back against the couch.

No. No. No. 

Tears filled his eyes as he listened to Sirius storm up the steps and then a door flew open so intensely that it hit the wall. 

Please. No. 

The shouting began a second later. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” 

“What the hell? Knock much?” Teddy responded, their voice loud enough to be heard downstairs, though they weren’t shouting. 

“No! I don’t! Not when you’re using again after you promised you were clean again!” 

“What the fuck are you on about?” 

Remus couldn’t see but he heard the sounds of something hitting the wall, and he assumed it was the two empty pill bottles. 

“Sirius—” 

“Your dad is in agonizing pain and you thought it was wise to steal his medication? After everything! Everything Teddy! You’ve seen him the last two months, you’ve seen what’s happened!” 

Tears dripped down Remus’ cheeks as he listened. There was nothing he could do. He was stuck. This was it. 

“I didn’t think he still needed them. He hasn’t—” 

“Do you hear yourself?! Honestly, do you hear yourself? Teddy this—” Sirius cut himself off and Remus could practically see the way he must be digging his nails into his palms to keep from smacking his fists into the wall. 

“I didn’t mean—” 

“No. No, you’re done.” There was silence and, when neither said anything, Sirius raised his voice. “You’re done! Get out!” 

“What the hell?! You can’t just—” 

“I can and I did! Teddy, you need to get the fuck out of here. You need help, and we can’t give that to you anymore.” 

Remus didn’t hear any movements. It was so quiet he could hear a pin drop. 

And then everything erupted into chaos. 

“Out!” Sirius shouted again and then the noise began. 

There was stomping around, drawers being opened and slammed closed, curse words flying. 

Remus grabbed his leg and pulled it off the ottoman. He ignored the pain and hoisted himself up, his crutches just out of reach. His breath was shaky as he reached over, losing balance and toppling to the floor. Normally, on a better day, he could’ve picked himself back up and dragged his body back to the couch, but it wasn’t a better day. It was a fucking horrible day. 

Two sets of steps came rushing down the stairs and Remus glanced up from where he was on the floor. He caught a quick glimpse of Teddy rushing by, a bag over their shoulder, and then they were gone. He slammed the door so hard that the photos on the walls shook. 

Sirius froze in the living room, watching Teddy through the window, before turning to Remus. 

“Remus?” He rushed around the couch and hovered above Remus’ body. 

Remus, who was sobbing now, flopped his body back onto the ground, letting his head hit the ground a little too hard. He’d lay here forever, he thought. Let time pass. Stay here until everything stopped hurting. Until his baby wasn’t sick anymore. 

“Remus, c’mon. Let me help you up—” 

Remus shook his head and choked on his sobs. 

He couldn’t even be mad at Sirius. If the roles were reversed, Remus would’ve done the same thing. They had given him one last chance. They made the rules very clear. Sure, Remus would’ve preferred the send off to go differently, but Remus also didn’t want to have a send off at all. 

*

Remus knew who the caller would be before he even reached for his phone. An old picture of Teddy flashed on his screen. The photo was from a few years ago when they were at a park. Teddy was smiling up at the camera, light shining on their face, and freckles covering their nose and cheeks. 

Remus, against his better judgment, answered the call and held his phone to his ear. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t know how to greet them anymore. 

“Dad?” 

“Yeah, I’m here.” 

“Oh...” Teddy sounded horrible, just as Remus assumed he would. 

He was kicked out a week ago and this was the first time they had called. Remus assumed whatever money he had saved was slowly dwindling. 

“How are you feeling?” 

“Peachy.” Remus couldn’t help but roll his eyes. 

How did he feel? What a stupid question. 

“I’m really sorry for—” 

“You’re not though, Teds. If you were sorry, you wouldn’t have done it.” 

“I just wasn’t thinking straight. I can get you more pills if you need. I can—” 

“Do you think that makes me feel better to hear?” It wasn’t about the pain pills, Remus had already gotten a new prescription sent to him. “This isn’t about the pain, Teddy. This is about you stealing from me, using again, and hiding it. Why didn’t you come talk to one of us?” 

“I don’t know…you….you were just…” 

Remus knew it was going to get twisted on him. That Remus’ vacancy in the house and recovery meant Teddy would relapse. He knew it was coming, and yet it still hurt to hear. 

“This isn’t my fault,” he said clearly. His hands shook as he spoke, but he knew he was doing the right thing. “It’s never been my fault.” 

“Yeah…I know that. I didn’t mean to imply anything. I…I fucked up, I know I did. I’m really sorry.” Teddy’s voice cracked. 

Remus didn’t say anything. 

After Teddy left, Remus and Sirius had a long discussion about what to do when Teddy inevitably came crawling back and apologizing. It hurt, every word of their conversation hurt, but they came to the same conclusion. They could not help anymore. They had given Teddy so many chances, too many, really. Remus knew this was it, but the guilt ate him alive. He could no longer help his baby. If Teddy wanted to get and stay clean, then they’d have to do it on their own. They wouldn’t be paying for his rehab, not trusting Teddy would stay in it long enough, and they wouldn’t house him anymore. 

The conversation ended with both men sobbing, but, at the end of the day, it was the only thing they could do. Remus felt like he was giving up on his kid, but he had exhausted all his options. He fought so hard for Teddy, was always in his corner, but now Teddy had to figure their shit out on his own. 

“I was wondering if—” 

“No.”

“Dad, please. I just need money. Just a little, then I can—” 

“No.” 

“Dad.”

“No, Teddy. We cannot help you anymore. Call your sponsor.” 

“Kit won’t do anything for me. He’s not going to give me money or housing.” 

“Teddy, you need to get your shit together. You need to get off drugs, you need help.” 

“That’s why I’m calling you. You can help!” 

“I can’t help anymore.” 

Teddy began to cry, their broken sobs ringing in Remus’ ear. Remus bit his lip and looked up at the ceiling, willing himself to stay strong. 

“P-please, Dad. P-please. I’ll never a-ask for a-anything ever again. P-please let me come home.” Remus could practically see the tears dripping down his pale and sunken cheeks. “Please, I want to stop. I realized I…I need to be home with you. You’re going to give me the strength to stop. P-please let me come h-home.” 

There was silence. Remus took in deep, slow breaths. He couldn’t crack. He had to stand his ground or else it would never end. This cycle would go on for the rest of their lives.

“Teddy, call your sponsor.” 

The line went dead.

*

Remus and Sirius hadn’t had sex since before the accident. They had kissed and touched, even got as far as oral, but they hadn’t had proper sex. Remus was scared of a lot of things, and he was sure Sirius was too, either for the same or different reasons. 

He hadn’t planned for tonight to be the night, but he also wasn’t against it. 

Sirius was straddling his lap, gently grinding against Remus’ cock. Both were in nothing but boxers, fresh out of the shower. Sirius was panting into his neck and Remus was digging his fingernails into Sirius’ back. 

This went on for a while longer before Sirius whined, lifted his head up, and gave Remus a look. A look that screamed that he wanted more. Hell, needed more.

“Can I blow you?” Sirius whispered, his hands already trailing down to Remus’ waistband. Remus was painfully hard and Sirius' delicate touch caused his cock to twitch. 

“Yes, yes.” Remus groaned, bucking his hips as Sirius slowly lowered his boxers. 

Sirius tugged them off fully, tossing them to the side before bending down and licking a strip up Remus’ weeping cock. Remus gasped out when he felt Sirius’ warmth swallow him down. He risked a glance down, Sirius looking up at him with wide, needy eyes. Fuck. Wrong move. He could cum at the sight and he didn’t want to be done, not yet. 

Sirius brought his hand down to reach between his own thighs, a moan escaping his lips, vibrating around Remus’ cock. 

“Don’t touch yourself—” Remus gasped and Sirius’ hand stilled. He carefully pulled off, a string of spit attached to his lip. 

“You want to do it instead?” 

“I want to fuck you.” 

Silence froze at this, his cheeks reddening. He nodded slowly and carefully crept back up Remus’ body until he was once again straddling him. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yes. Fuck, yes.” 

“How do you want me?” 

“Um…” Remus froze, chewing on his lower lip. Normally he didn’t have to think so hard about this. He’d have Sirius in whatever way, however he wanted. He didn’t have to wonder if he’d be able to keep himself supported, or if his leg would be in the way. He’d just be able to take control and have sex. Now, however, they had other things to consider. 

He felt very small, embarrassment creeping up his spine. “I…I don’t know. I don’t…I didn’t think about it.” 

Sirius, the man he was, didn’t falter or bring attention to Remus’ obvious panic. He was amazing like that. Amazing at not making Remus feel lesser because of his injury. 

“Do you want me to ride you?” Sirius asked, lowering his head down, closer to Remus’ ear. “I could ride you, make you feel so good,” he whispered and, again, Remus let out a pathetic whimper. This would do for now and, if it didn’t work, they could figure it out later. 

“Yes, please.” 

Sirius got to work opening himself up and, when he was ready, he maneuvered himself over Remus lap once again. He stroked Remus’ cock a few times, though it was hardly necessary because he was already hard. 

Remus pushed his body up with his elbows, moving so he was more elevated with his back against their pillows. Normally he’d bend his legs to give Sirius’ body more support, but he didn’t bother. One leg wouldn’t do the trick and his other wouldn’t stay up on its own. 

He glanced quickly at his left leg, a brief moment of guilt washing over him. He wanted to do more, wanted to be more involved, to be able to move around and shift without having to make it a big deal. 

Sirius reached down and grabbed Remus’ jaw lightly, forcing him to look up. 

“Look at me.” 

Remus met his eyes. 

“Don’t think about it. Not now. Focus on me, focus on how amazing I’m about to make you feel,” Sirius whispered, lifting his hips up. He aligned himself with Remus and carefully sunk down, both men letting out a gasp. 

“F-fuck, Sirius.” Remus reached forward instantly and gripped both of Sirius’ hips, helping guide him up and down. It was slow, painfully so, at first but Sirius eventually picked up speed and all of Remus’ worries washed away. 

*

Remus' phone buzzed in his pocket, vibrating against his leg. He ignored the sensation, focusing instead on the ground ahead of him and the ache of his forearm. He had received his KAFO three weeks ago, and it had helped significantly. He was getting more comfortable and, dare he say, confident with walking, but then it decided to snow and all confidence went out the window. The pavement, luckily, wasn’t icy yet, but Remus wasn’t taking any chances. It was Christmas in a week and Remus refused to spend it in a hospital. 

“Papa Rem?” 

Remus focused on the little boy ahead of him. 

“Do you wanted cookies?”

“Hm?” Remus hummed and glanced up at Harry, who was giving him a slightly concerned look. Remus wasn’t sure how long he had zoned out of the conversation. 

“We’re making cookies when we come back,” Harry repeated what James must’ve been talking about as Remus’ phone buzzed again. 

Remus stopped walking, pulling his phone out and seeing Teddy’s picture on his screen. He clicked decline and put his phone back in his pocket. 

Harry was watching him closely, before focusing back on James, who was holding onto his hand and swinging their arms. He happily blabbed to himself about the future cookies that awaited him. 

“Does he call a lot?” 

Remus nodded. “Yes.” 

“I blocked them.” 

Remus glanced down at James, who was oblivious to it all. All he cared about was cookies. His biggest struggle of the week was fighting Harry on not wanting to wear a hat and a scarf when they left the house. Whereas Teddy was somewhere doing drugs and rotting away in an alleyway or some dingy flat. 

“I can’t.” 

“Why not?” 

“It doesn’t feel right,” Remus said, slowing his walking again. He was out of breath and he slightly regretted agreeing to go out with them. He could’ve been inside the warmth and comfort of his house with Sirius, but instead he was out in the cold, contemplating whether he should block his child from ever contacting him again or not.  

“But you’re not going to give him anything, so why keep letting him call you? They’re guilt tripping us.” 

“Harry—” 

“No, really. After I blocked him, he started calling Ginny. Not once or twice, but multiple times an hour. She blocked him too.” 

Remus was saved from answering when James flipped around. 

“I’m bored! We can go home?” 

Harry sighed, squeezed James’ hand, and turned them back around. “Yeah, bud. Let’s go home.” 

*

Remus walked up the steps, gripping onto the rail with one hand and using his arm crutch in the other to maneuver his way to the top. Even after weeks of being home, he hadn’t found getting up and down the stairs any easier. It took a long time and he didn’t like to rely on Sirius for help. He felt he needed to do it on his own, to keep his ego from being wounded any further. Sirius called him stubborn and prideful, but Remus didn’t care. He could do it on his own. 

Once he made it to the top, he was partially out of breath, just like every time he did this. He took a moment to regain his composure before slipping his arm back into his crutch properly and making his way down the hall to Sirius’ studio. 

Remus pushed open the door with the crutch and let out a breath. 

“I don’t need PT,” he announced, throwing himself down onto the plush sofa. “Getting up and down the stairs is enough of a workout for a lifetime, and I do it multiple times a day.” 

Sirius, who was sitting on the ground in front of an easel and canvas, hummed. He found it easier to work on the floor and Remus, after all these years, still found it very endearing. 

“Hey, my offer to install one of those stair chairs still stands. You just say the word, baby.” 

Remus didn’t want Sirius’ support walking up the steps, much less a machine. 

“You wish. You just want me to get up faster.” 

“Ah yes, you know me—” Sirius looked away from his painting, giving Remus a very sweet smile. “Completely selfish and only thinking about what would make my life easier.” 

If this was a year ago, he’d go over and give Sirius a kiss, maybe even keep him company on the ground. But it was now, and he was stuck in this chair. It’d be too much work to get up again. 

“What are you thinking about?” Sirius asked, quickly catching on to Remus’ spiral. 

“Too much.” 

“Penny for your thoughts?” 

“Thinking about how inconvenient my leg is and how walking up the stairs takes my breath away,” Remus mumbled, fiddling with the edge of his sleeve. “Thinking about the scars on my face and going back to work. I don’t know what I’ll tell the kids.” 

Remus wanted to go back to work, but it wasn’t a reality right now. It was January and he assumed he wouldn’t be going back this school year. His goal was to go back in August and start living his life normally again. 

“And,” Remus sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. He was exhausted. “I’m thinking about Teddy.” He said this last part quieter than the rest, but it wasn’t a shock to hear. They were both constantly thinking about Teddy. 

Their calls were becoming infrequent and, as soothing as it was to not be bombarded, the silence also scared him. 

“Me too,” Sirius eventually said, placing his paintbrush down. “This person wants a commission of their childhood home and all I can think about is Teddy, and the little kid I met all those years ago. Everything reminds me of Teddy. I can’t focus on anything else.” 

“I’m scared we won’t ever see him again…” 

And they wouldn’t, not until Teddy was sober. If Teddy ever got sober. 

Sirius didn’t have anything to say in response to that. Remus didn’t blame him, he didn’t know what to say either. This is how all the conversations went. They missed Teddy and that was that. There was no solution, no end result. Teddy was gone. He’d most likely stay gone.

*

Remus was startled awake from his nap by the buzzing from his phone. He had forgotten to place it on silent, not having meant to fall asleep in the first place. 

He groaned and patted around on the couch until his hand found his phone. He glanced at the caller ID, confusion pulling on his brows. 

“Hello?” He mumbled, voice rough with sleep. 

“Remus, we have an issue,” Molly Weasley said down the line and Remus’ heart sank. Teddy. 

He didn’t have evidence it was about them, but he didn’t know what other issue would warrant a phone call from her in the middle of the day. 

“What happened?” 

“I heard some noises coming from the garage and when I went to check it out, I saw Teddy. He broke through the side door. He smashed the window and let himself in. He had clearly been rummaging through boxes, but I don’t know what they are looking for.” 

“What?” Remus shot up, pushing himself up off the couch with a wince. “Are they still there?” 

“Yes, but I don’t think he’s…um…fully with us.” Molly knew about his addiction, though Remus didn’t know to what extent. Whatever Harry had shared with her is what she knew. “I left him in the garage, I don’t know what to do. He was just sort of…lying there, mumbling nonsense.” 

“I’ll be right there, Molly. I’m so sorry.” Remus wasn’t sure why he was apologizing. He felt oddly responsible though. Teddy was his kid after all. “Just…just make sure they don’t leave.” 

“I won’t. See you soon.” 

*

Remus was home alone, unfortunately, so by the time he called Sirius, Sirius came home, picked him up, and they arrived at the house, it was nearly an hour later. Remus feared Teddy would have left by now, but seeing Molly pacing the driveway with Harry sitting on the steps watching her confirmed they must still be in the garage. He was hoping Harry wouldn’t be called, but Molly most likely wasn’t thinking that far ahead. She called the three people who knew Teddy best. 

Sirius rounded the car once they parked and helped Remus out. For once, he accepted the help without argument. He needed to move as fast as possible to figure out why the hell their kid broke into a house. And the Weasley’s house, no less. What did he have against them? What could he possibly need from them? 

“What the hell happened?” Sirius asked.

Harry jumped up when they approached the house, looking furious. 

“And why are you here? You should be at work,” Sirius snapped. 

“Why are you mad at me? Molly called me. I’m just trying to help.” 

“Well you’re not helping by—” 

“Hey!” Remus butt in, shaking his head. “Stop fighting. Neither of you are helping. Where’s Teddy?” 

“He’s still in the garage,” Molly said. 

Remus saw the smashed glass shattered on the floor around the door and his heart pounded hard against his chest. What the hell possessed his child to do this? 

“And are you okay, Molly? You’re not hurt or…?” 

“I’m fine, dear. I’m…I’m just worried about him. I don’t want any trouble.” 

Remus almost laughed. She didn’t want trouble and yet their son was out here causing it. 

“I’m not planning to press charges or anything,” she added. 

Remus hadn’t even considered the legal implications of this all. Teddy, despite being family, broke into someone’s home and, for all they knew, took things, and he was high. If this had been anyone else, if he had done this to a stranger, they would be looking at criminal charges. 

No one moved for a minute until Sirius finally cleared his throat, reaching a hand out to gently touch Remus’ arm. 

“C’mon.” 

“I’m coming,” Harry said but Sirius shook his head. 

“Just—” he sighed. “Just stay here a minute, Haz. Okay? Let us talk to them alone.” 

Harry looked ready to argue back, staring Sirius in the eyes. They seemed to have a silent conversation amongst themselves but, in the end, Sirius won the silent argument. Harry nodded, grumbled something that sounded like “whatever” and crossed his arms over his chest. 

Remus started towards the garage, trying for the handle but finding it locked. Without thinking, he reached through the shattered window, careful to avoid slicing his already scarred skin, and reached down to open the door from the inside. 

“Remus!” Sirius gasped, trying to stop him. Remus ignored him, pulling open the door and making his way in. Glass crunched underneath his feet and crutch and echoed throughout the garage. 

On the floor, Teddy lay curled up. He looked horrible, just like they always did when they were high. Their knees were pulled into their chest and they were mumbling something, too quiet for Remus to hear. 

“Teds?” Remus approached them cautiously, not able to bend down to get to their level. “Teddy?” 

Teddy looked up at the sound of their name, their pupils blown. They had been crying, eyes red rimmed and cheeks blotchy. 

“I didn’t mean to,” he whimpered. “I needed food and…money…I needed….and I was nearby and I walked in. I didn’t mean, I thought it was...” he continued on his ramble, but Remus didn’t catch the end of his excuse. “Then the room was spinning and I saw bugs. There’s bugs everywhere, I don’t…I don’t know. The room is spinning.” 

“Teddy…” Remus shot Sirius a panicked look, not knowing what to say. 

“Teddy, get up,” Sirius said firmly. Despite his clear anger, he still held a hand out to the boy. “You need to get up. You can’t be here.” 

“I c-can’t be here,” Teddy repeated, nodding their head. He was completely out of it. Remus assumed he wasn’t even aware of the damage he had created. 

“Teddy,” Sirius said again, waving his hand. “Get up.” 

“Okay, yeah…I can….” He mumbled something else again and finally pushed their body up. He blinked slowly, seemingly regaining his senses. He looked around the room, paranoia written all over their features. Remus had never seen him like this before.  Sirius helped them up, but dropped his hand the moment he was on his feet. 

Remus had to look away. He didn’t recognize this person. This wasn’t Teddy. There was no way. His child wouldn’t do this. His child wouldn’t destroy himself like this and break into people’s houses and hallucinate things. 

Sirius led Teddy out of the garage, Remus close behind. He walked shakily out of the garage, blinking a few times as his eyes adjusted back to the sunlight. 

Harry rushed over the moment they were out, both hands on Teddy’s shoulder. 

“What the hell is your problem?” He shook the boy slightly, scanning their face. “Are you trying to get yourself arrested?” 

“I d-don’t know. I didn’t mean to.” 

“You didn’t mean to!? You broke into someone’s house! You’re fucking lucky they aren’t pressing charges against you.” 

“Stop yelling,” Teddy slurred, his head nodding forward and his eyes shutting. 

Harry shook him again. 

“Harry…” Remus warned, finally looking at Teddy again. 

“No! No fuck this. Fuck you,” Harry said to Teddy, dropping his hands. 

“Harry, he’s not in his right mind. Yelling isn’t going to help. They’re not here.”

He continued his spiel, ignoring Sirius. Teddy clearly was not absorbing any of the words being said to him.

Suddenly Remus needed to leave, needed to get out of here. Teddy wouldn’t be coming home with them. As much as it pained Remus, he didn’t know where Teddy would be going. He wasn’t welcome anywhere. He could go to rehab, but he wasn’t even sure if rehab would take him back. He had such a bad reputation with the rehabs in the area, Remus wouldn't be surprised if he was on some list barring him from other facilities. The only real solution would be to check themselves into the hospital for a three day detox, but Remus knew he would never. 

“I need to go,” Remus whispered to Sirius, his mind making the world around him spin. “I…we…I gotta go. I can’t be here.” 

Sirius glanced over and nodded. He didn’t seem eager to stay either. They got Teddy out of the room, that’s all they had to do. Teddy was on his own again after this. 

“Molly, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” Remus said, his hands shaking as he gripped his crutch tighter. “I don’t know what’s happening to him. I…I d-don’t know how to help. I don’t—” 

“Remus, dear. It’s not your fault. You’re okay.” Molly tried to take a step forward, to reach her hand out, but Remus stood back. He couldn’t stand to be touched right now. 

In the background of his racing thoughts, he could hear Harry still berating Teddy, and Sirius trying to get him to stop. Fighting each other would do no good. 

This was a mess. His life was a mess. Teddy was a mess. He had to leave, to get out of here. He couldn’t stand to watch the train wreck, he couldn’t be part of the crash.

Without waiting for Sirius, he turned and walked away, making his way back to the car. 

*

Two weeks later, after hearing nothing from or about Teddy, he got a call from an unknown number. 

Remus, at Harry’s advice, finally blocked Teddy’s number. It pained him to do so, but he couldn’t keep living like this. Teddy’s addiction was taking over his life now. 

He knew deep down who would be on the other end of the line, but he still swiped to answer. He didn’t say anything, waiting for the other person to speak first.

“Dad,” Teddy said, his voice choked with what he assumed were tears. “I’m so sorry.”

Notes:

because im kind, I'm posting the last chapter with this one! no cliff hangers for you

Chapter 17: best friend

Summary:

im sorry im sorry im sorry (no im not)

18 years ago…

“Daddy?”

“Hm, Bug?”

“Is Sirius your best friend?” Teddy asked, swinging his legs back and forth and hitting the counter behind him.

It was early and the noise rattled Remus’ exhausted brain, but he didn’t say anything. Teddy was happy and that’s all that mattered. Headache be damned.

“He is, yeah,” Remus smiled, glancing up from where he was stirring the pancake batter. Remus had just told Teddy about his and Sirius’ relationship last night. He hadn’t had a lot of questions at the time, though Remus knew he’d come up with more. Besides him and Tonks, Remus wasn’t sure if Teddy had ever really seen people be in a romantic relationship.

“Oh,” Teddy mumbled, his legs ceasing their motion.

“Is that a problem?” Remus set the spoon down, giving Teddy his full attention.

“No,” he mumbled, letting out a very big sigh for a five year old.

“What’s the matter, baby?”

“I just…well…I want to be your best friend.”

Remus’ heart ached at the genuine sadness in his little boy’s voice.

“Oh Bug, you are always going to be my best friend. It’s you and me, yeah? Nothing could come between that.”

“Promise? Even when I’m old? You’re gonna be my best friend forever?”

“I promise,” Remus said, holding out his pinky for Teddy to cling to. “Forever.”

*

Three days after the phone call, Remus received a knock on the door. 

He glanced up from his book, and looked behind him. Sirius, who was curled up next to Remus, his head in his lap, perked up too. Neither of them were expecting guests and, if it was Harry, he wouldn’t knock. 

Remus feared for a moment it would be Teddy and he’d once again have to send them away. He was tempted to ignore the presence, but the knocking continued, followed by the doorbell. 

“Budge up,” Remus finally mumbled, lifting his hand away from where he had been playing with Sirius’ hair. 

Sirius groaned dramatically but pushed himself up and off of the couch. “I’ll get it,” he yawned, looking one second away from crumbling to the floor and falling into a long, well deserved nap. “Stay here,” he mumbled, abandoning Remus on the couch. 

Remus peered around the corner, watching Sirius walk to the door. 

“Mr. Lupin?” The voice of a man asked. Remus didn’t recognize him.

“He’s in the living room,” Sirius said, glancing behind him and giving Remus a quizzical look. 

Remus took that as his sign to get up. He pushed himself up, yanking his leg to the correct position. He didn’t have his brace on, as he tended not to when he was just lounging around the house. He reached for his cutch and maneuvered this way to the door to greet the stranger. His heart sank when he saw two policemen standing there. 

“What’s going on?” 

“Can we come in?” 

“What’s this about?” Sirius asked, and Remus knew he was hesitant to let the men in. 

“Are you Edward Lupin’s guardian?” 

“Yes, yeah…we’re…we’re his parents.” 

No one spoke, and Remus realized that they weren’t going to divulge any information on the front porch. 

“Come in,” Remus finally said, moving out of the doorway and tugging Sirius along with him. Sirius still seemed hesitant, but didn’t resist against Remus. He shut the door behind all of them and followed Remus and the two cops into the kitchen. 

“Can uh…do you want tea?” Remus asked awkwardly, cringing at himself. He didn’t know how to function in this situation, especially knowing it had to do with Teddy. He was mentally prepared for another break in and hearing the news that Teddy had been arrested for real this time and would be serving life or something. 

Sirius just gave him an odd look and, for the briefest second, a smile flickered on his face. 

“No, Mr. Lupin.” 

“Remus,” Remus corrected him, sitting himself down on one of the kitchen chairs. Standing was too much of a pain without his brace. “And this is Sirius.” He looked up at Sirius who, unlike Remus, decided to stand. 

The two policemen sat down on the opposite end of the table, both looking exhausted. Maybe it was the end of their shift and this was the last stop. Better make it quick, for all of their sakes. Remus would quite like to finish his book today. 

“This morning we received a call from someone stating they saw a body in the alleyway adjacent to their restaurant,” the man began and Remus’ heart sank. “Upon our arrival we…” he paused for a moment, and Remus suddenly felt very very sick. 

Please no. Please don’t. Please not now. Not today. Not ever. 

“I’m so sorry to have to share this, but we found Edward deceased. We aren’t sure for how long but, by the looks of it, it had been for a few days.” 

No. No. No.  

No.

No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. 

“What?” Remus whispered as his body went numb. His lungs felt like they had stopped taking in air and his heart was beating faster than it ever had in its entire life. 

“I…it must’ve been someone else…” 

“He had identification on him and we ran some checks at the station. There are also photos that we will need you to look over, when you’re ready, to get one last confirmation. There’s no rush,” the man’s demeanor was smaller, more emphatic than when he first greeted them. Remus realized what his exhaustion was now. “I’m so sorry, to the both of you.” 

“Did you try to save them?” Sirius asked, looking pale and like he was about to pass out. He had his hand on Remus’ shoulder, gripping on for dear life. 

“He was deceased upon arrival. There was nothing we could’ve done.” 

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. 

There had to be something they could do. Teddy couldn’t be dead. He must’ve been asleep or maybe just close to dying. But he couldn’t be dead. 

The cops continued to talk, but Remus didn’t hear a single word they were saying. 

*

After a long visit and a gruesome process of having to see and confirm photos, they were given a bag of the belongings Teddy had on him and a list of phone numbers to the station, hospital, and funeral services. Remus didn’t process any of it. He wasn’t here. He was floating in a dimension far far away, in a world where his son was alive. A world where Teddy was upstairs sleeping from a late night of playing video games with Harry. 

Once they were left alone, Remus looked over at Sirius. 

“We…we gotta call Harry and mum…we…we’ll need to go to the hospital, too. We need—” 

“Remus,” Sirius said softly. He had tears dripping down his cheeks. 

“We have to—” 

“Remus, stop.” Sirius reached forward and gently grasped Remus’ arm. “Not now. Please…just…please s-stop.” 

Remus, somehow, hadn’t cried. It was like his body was in such deep shock and denial that tears weren’t an option. He was shaking, head to toe, and felt incredibly numb. 

“I’m going to go lay down,” he said, barely realizing the words coming out of his mouth. He wasn’t here. This wasn’t real. Teddy wasn’t dead. 

“Remus, wait—” Sirius tried but Remus pulled out of his grip and robotically walked out of the room, letting his legs lead him away. Far, far away from this. 

*

The next few days passed in a blur. Remus and Sirius hardly talked, to each other or to anyone. After they had Harry over and told him the news, Harry had temporarily moved back in. He had been sleeping in Teddy’s room every night and, during the day, he’d be stuck to either Remus or Sirius’ side. Not that any of them were out doing anything.

None of them were eating properly or functioning. Sirius hadn’t been to work and Remus hadn’t even showered. They were running low on groceries and the only time Remus had been outside was to quickly let Clementine out to potty in the backyard. They hadn’t even taken her on a walk since the day the police were here. But none of it mattered, not anymore. Nothing would ever matter again.

Their friends and family tried to come over, but Remus and Sirius refused to see anyone. Breaking the news to them over the phone was hard enough, he couldn’t bear to see their faces in person. He couldn’t bear to hear their condolences. 

Today, however, was the day of the funeral and they would have to see everyone. After, they were hosting a wake at their house and, for the first time in days, they would be reunited with the outside world. A world in which Teddy Lupin did not exist. 

They got ready in silence, just like they did everything else. They existed together in this bubble, but they did not interact with one another during the day. They all were separated, mourning in silence, until night rolled around. Then Sirius and Remus would cling to each other for dear life, whispering their admiration for one another and their desperation for Teddy to come back. In the morning, it would be as if it never happened. 

“I don’t want to go,” Remus whispered, sitting on the edge of the bed in his suit and tie. He watched Sirius do his hair in the mirror, putting minimal effort into the look, unlike normally when he dressed up. 

“I don’t either.” Sirius turned around and met Remus’ eyes, deep purple bags under both of their eyes. “I want to stay here forever and not think about—” he couldn’t say his name, neither of them could. 

Remus nodded, glancing down at his lap. 

How cruel it was, that he had to bury his own son. No parent should have to do that. 

He glanced to the side when he felt the bed dip, and a second later Sirius flopped his head onto Remus’ shoulder. 

“I don’t want to go,” Sirius mumbled, parroting Remus’ statement. 

Remus slung an arm around his shoulder, letting his head fall on top of Sirius’. 

“We have no choice.” 

They had to face the world again. 

*

The last funeral any of them had been to had been Regulus’, and this was a completely different affair. 

Unlike Regulus’, the pews were full of people. Remus, Sirius, Harry, and Teddy had lots of friends and family, but he didn’t realize how many of them they had until they were all gathered in a room together. Alongside grief, there was a lot of love in this room. A lot, lot, lot of love. 

*

Remus, surprisingly, didn’t shed a tear at the funeral either. Sirius and Harry couldn’t make it through their speeches without crying, but Remus, numb to everything, made it through every word. He didn’t feel truly there. He hadn’t since the moment the word deceased left the police officer’s voice. 

Now they were back home, their place full of people, quiet music, somehow some laughter, and a lot of food. Remus ignored it all, instead sitting outside on the back step by himself, smoking a cigarette. He hadn’t smoked since before the car accident, but nothing mattered anymore. 

Footsteps sounded behind him, but he didn’t bother looking up. All he knew was it wasn’t Sirius. He knew what his steps sounded like after sharing over half his life with the man. 

The body sat down next to him, bringing her knees to her chest. 

“This is fucked up,” Tonks said and, somehow, Remus laughed. 

“Yeah, just a little,” he mumbled, offering her the cigarette. 

She took it soundlessly, taking in a drag before passing it back over. Remus stuffed it out, setting the butt on the ground. 

“Remember when our biggest concern was Teddy sneaking cigarettes?” 

Tonks smiled, tears filling her eyes again. She didn’t wipe them away, letting them drip down her cheeks. 

“God, yes. I was so mad at them. I thought they were throwing their life away.” 

“Hm…ironic, hm? Cigarettes were the least of our worries.” 

They fell silent after that and Tonks rested her head against Remus’ shoulder, wrapping her arms around one of his. 

“I don’t know how to live without him, Rem.” 

“I don’t think I am living. None of this is living.” 

“Do you think it’ll get easier?” 

“No,” Remus said truthfully, not having to think about his answer. “No, I really don’t. I think it’ll feel like this forever.” 

*

Once the wake got to be too much, he resigned himself to hiding upstairs. He hadn’t seen Sirius in a while, so he assumed he was off hiding somewhere too. He didn’t bother looking for him. They both needed their space and, when they were ready, they would come back together, just like they always did.  

Remus didn’t know what possessed him to do it, but he went to Teddy’s room instead of his own. Harry had been the only one in here, neither Sirius or Remus having the guts to step foot into this room. It felt haunted, and not by a friendly presence. Still, Remus walked in, shutting the door quietly behind him. 

Everything was exactly the same, except the slept-in bed. 

Remus glanced around, quickly looking past Teddy’s childhood stuffed dog on the bed and moving his gaze to their desk. On top sat the bag of Teddy’s belongings. No one had touched it. They hadn’t seen a point. Teddy was gone, what much would his wallet and clothes do to bring him back? 

Remus sat down in the chair and reached for the bag, pulling out the clothes and carefully placing them on the floor. All that was left was a necklace that Harry had given them for their birthday a few years ago, a sketch book, a pen, and his wallet. Remus reached for the sketchbook, against his better judgement. He carefully opened it up, as if it was made of glass and would shatter in his hand at any moment. 

He flipped through the pages, eye skimming over the drawings Teddy had done. Most were doodles, incoherent messes made with a ballpoint pen, but a few were more detailed and neat. He continued to flip until he got to the one of the last pages, his hand freezing when he saw the word “dad”. 

He knew he shouldn’t read, he should keep flipping, but he couldn’t help it. Teddy had wrote to him. 

Dear Dad, 

I don’t know if this will get to you, but I hope it does. You deserve answers. I don’t know how to keep living this life. I fucked up so many times and every time I try to get better, something pulls me back down. I wanted to stay clean and stay at home with you and Sirius, but the addiction was stronger. My body craved drugs more than it craved family. It’s so fucked up and I wish it could’ve been different. I wish I could still be with you and Sirius and Harry. 

I don’t have it in me to write a note to everyone so, if you somehow see this, tell them I’m sorry too. I’m sorry for everything. All you did was love and care for me and I fucked everything up. I took it for granted. This is not your fault, it never was. This was always me. 

I hope in the next lifetime I'll be a better person. A better sibling. A better son. 

I love you, and I’m sorry. 

-Teddy

Remus stared down at the page, his thumb gently stroking over Teddy’s signature. Tears finally dripped down his nose and onto the note, smudging portions of the black ink. 

Always his baby. His beautiful, beautiful boy. 

Remus clutched tightly to the letter and sobbed. 

 

 

Notes:

that's a wrap! thank you SO SO SO much for all your support and love over these past ELEVEN MONTHS! I can't believe it's finally done. I'm sorry for the tears, this was never going to be a happy story :/

Until the next one <333 bye bye

Notes:

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