Chapter Text
Max considered himself pretty aware of his childhood traumas. Studying childhood psychology made it almost impossible not noticing the clear behavior he had after not receiving help in the asylum where he was raised. He flinched at unexpected loud noises, had a terrible relationship with boundaries, his past boyfriends a clear example, and most of it all he really couldn’t stop himself from being a people pleaser, growing up in a christian cult made him so messed up in every single aspect of his life, and he was trying to work on it with all his heart, rewriting the past twenty years of his life, trying to have a positive attitude and going regularly to the psychologist his friends recommended after the hundredth time he got too high at some party and started hyperventilating after someone screamed, not even at him, but his insides started turning around with fear of someone getting angry at him, his inner child way to scarred and full of fear to react in any other way.
So he was making improvements in general, but when Charles, only person he kept in contact with from his childhood, asked him with big eyes and hope dripping from his voice, to go with him to some frat boy party, he really couldn’t bring himself to say no, didn’t want to disappoint the only real friend he had.
And now he was there, clasping his black bomber in his hands, the frozen air making his cheeks red, but at least it was calming his insane anxiety after getting too high again, his mind racing hundred miles to memories he really didn’t want to think about.
He was almost inaling a cigarette in hope to calm the fuck down and get inside to search Charles and go home to cry in peace, he didn’t want to get even more intoxicated and fuck someone just to feel even more awfull after.
Max was contemplating calling his therapist, a really sweet woman that had assured him she would be free that day in case something went wrong, when the door swung open, the loud music reaching his ears again for some seconds, shutting down again after the person actually stepped out. He was excusing himself from someone before vomiting a mixture of alcohol and chips on Max's shoes.
Max never wanted to cry more in his life.
The guy who just vomited started coughing before taking a sip from his cup. Max wasn’t even sure if it was water or some alcohol, he really hoped it was the first option or that guy was really, really stupid.
“Oh fuck mate, i’m so sorry, hope those weren’t expensive-”
The dump fucker looked up at Max, he was some inchies taller, and max really had to contain himself from blushing: he was handsome, cute brown curls adorning his rectangular face, a bit of a beard forming that Max could bet would sting so good when kissing.
“Oh don’t worry, it’s okay, I'll just.. don’t know, buy another pair..”
Max tossed his shoes near the dumpster of the sketchy backyard of the house, left just in his black socks with little bunnies on them. He really wanted to disappear, it was getting more and more embarrassing, he really had to get rid of those fucking socks, but walking barefoot wasn’t a good idea. He watched his poor shoes, he really liked those, but what could he do? It was too late now.
“Cute sock mate, what do you study, veterinary?”
The cute guy smiled, his cheeks red, Max couldn’t tell if it was for the alcohol or the fact he just vomited on a random guy's shoes.
“Oh no, i actually study childhood psychology with Lewis, he threw the part-”
He couldn’t end the phrase that the guy started laughing, max going bright red: he knew not many people studied in that course in his uni but full on laughing at his face was maybe too much.
“With Lewis?? That’s great, he always has weed that fucker! He’s here? I need a joint like now, that’s god way to let me know it’s time to get high”
Max couldn’t fathom how the guy didn’t know that he was partying in Lewis house, or how he could want a joint after vomiting a concerning amount of alcohol on his shoes. He slowly nodded, not really knowing if he should keep the conversation flowing or just let the guy he still didn’t know make a bad decision.
“I umh, actually got one? if you want we can share it?”
Max probably should take the guy inside, get him to drink water or some other responsible choice but he didn’t want to be the mature one, maybe a joint would make him feel a bit better. The curly guy didn’t hesitate one bit before hugging Max, nodding.
“Oh mate, you’re an angel, say it, with your blonde hair and a joint you’re here to make me happy”
Max awkwardly hugged him back, he smelled like expensive perfume and alcohol, before stepping away and getting the joint from his bomber pocket. He always had one in hand for emergency panic attacks, but he could make an exception for the beautiful guy. Max lighted it, puffing out the light smoke, his body relaxing at the familiar flavor of weed, passing it immediately after.
“Thanks mate, I’m Daniel by the way, should at least know the name of the guy you give weed to.”
Max smiled lightly, watching Daniel take some hits from the joint, a big smile still plastered on his lips.
“No problem, I’m Max, nice to meet you”
Not that nice since he was still with only his socks on, the grass tickling his feet in a not so comfortable way. But he was still the usual people pleaser, if Daniel wanted his joint he would gladly give it to him if it made him happy.
“So you’re Lewis' friend?”
Daniel was apparently a talkative person, Max noted, he was still making conversation after vomiting and smoking weed. Max thought on how to respond, not really wanting to explain he hooked up with Lewis a couple of times when he was still coping with his crippling daddy issues by fucking older guys and living his life basically always high.
“You could say that, i’m actually here with my friend Charles, he wants to spend as many time with this spanish student that’s doing like half a semester on our campus”
Daniel nodded, passing Max the joint.
“You're talking about Carlos? He’s doing an elective class with me, quite a charming guy, not really my type.”
Max didn’t really know what possessed him, maybe the fact he was really high, or the big brown eyes that made Daniel look like a greek god, but he responded with a bit of a smirk, puffing out the smoke.
“So what’s your type, daniel?”
Daniel smiled, taking max from his hip, big hands circling his waist.
“Let’s say I prefer them blonde, blue eyes and when they offer me free weed?”
Max was fast at getting rid of the joint, capturing Daniel lips in his, the beard stinging like he imagined. It was all tongue and teeth, pure desire from both sides, Max already forgot about the fact Daniel just vomited, and about all the times he said that he had stopped hooking up, and when daniel put his hands in the pockets of his jeans cupping his ass and making him jump up so he could squish him into the wall, trapped between the cold of the bricks and the heat of Daniel chest he was completely gone, mind too filled with desire to think about anything else.
He didn’t even know how he ended up in an uber, too occupied in kissing Daniel and teasing him.
They almost runned up the stairs leading to what he assumed was Daniel’s apartment, and when Daniel finally fucked him he coud finally remember why he used to fuck around so much, his mind was totally empty, the sound of skin clapping and the things Daniel kept whispering in his ears too much to make his brain think about anything else.
They ended up tangled in the sheets, nothing else covering them, Daniel still holding his hips in a possessive way, his grip strong even after his breathing got more coordinated, falling asleep.
Only after that Max could close his eyes, mind too gone from the orgasm to realize he left Charles alone and his shoes still in Lewis garden.
Max woke up the morning after, his head slightly pounding and his eyes hurting from the sun shining, let in by the big windows. He could hear someone making coffee in the next room, and he was still naked. Max slowly got up, he had to get home someway, take his medicines and go to his Saturday therapist appointment, and he didn’t even know the time. He stumbled around, getting himself in his boxers and jeans, his phone almost completely dead: Charles had called almost twenty times and he had just an hour to get to his therapist: he didn’t even know what he should tell her, he wasn’t that proud of his actions.
He wrote a quick text to Charles confirming he wasn’t dead and he finished wearing his white shirt that still smelled of weed. He opened the door, preparing himself for the most awkward conversation of his life. Max walked the short corridor, entering the kitchen and living room. Daniel was shirtless, a cup of coffee in his hand, he was smoking a cigarette and sat on the counter near a big window.
"Good Morning Maxie, want a coffee?”
Max blushed, a bit embarrassed.
“No thanks, umh actually, do you have some shoes i could borrow? I really have to go and my shoes are still at Lewis house..”
Daniel laughed, placing the cigarette on the ashtray, walking to the entryway.
“Sure, that’s the least after I vomited on them, sorry again for that.”
He passed Max a white pair of vans, before finishing his coffee and putting the cup in the sink.
“See you on campus Maxie, if you need a smoking buddy I'm always free for weed.”
Max wore the slightly too big shoes, opening the door still blushing.
“I’ll see you around, by Daniel!”
He practically runned aways, closing the door after himself and doing the stairs two at a pair calling an uber. He wanted to lie in his bed and cry, he had made so many progresses and it was all in the drain.
He should really stop going to parties if he couldn’t just get his head into place and stop fucking up. He could almost hear his father say that going to college would make him a slut and he should just accept his fate and devote himself to God, maybe he should just go back to his hometown and bag on his knees.
He just lit a cigarette, why was he even thinking about it, he had lost his virginity, he couldn’t even step foot on his dad’s property if he wanted to live.
The uber ride was awful, and entering his apartment even worse: Charles was on the sofa, drinking one of his green juices that he always told everyone could cure any hangover, reading something on his phone. He was fast at getting up, leaving the glass on the small table, rushing to max.
“You fucker, I almost died from an heart attack! Where were you?”
Max swallowed, Charles sometimes reminded him of a scary mother, always worried for his kids, and he was usually grateful to have someone who actually cared about him, but he really didn’t need a scolding in that moment.
“I was with this guy Daniel, it's not a big deal, sorry, I should have told you before going aways, but I was a bit occupied with something else at that moment.”
Charles watched him with his mouth open, eyes big like he had just seen a ghost.
“Max, don’t tell me you hooked up with Daniel Ricciardo! He’s like the worst person walking on earth, he’s always in some fight with Esteban and Yuki and he’s such a dickhead!”
Max was fucked, royally fucked.
Charles rarely hated someone, he was friends with like half of the campus, always making conversation with someone or dragging people places to spend time together, him hating someone was like snow in august.
“It was just a one night thing Charlie, calm down, I won’t see him again, I swear.”
Charles nodded, a strane look on his face.
“Believe me Emi, you don’t want to get involved with him.”
Charles slowly hugged him, his embrace always like a breath of fresh air mending to max poisoned mind.
“I know Charlie, I trust you, but now I have to go to Helen and possibly take a shower before that.”
Charles nodded, going to sit again on their worn out blue sofa, sipping his green juice.
“Love you Maxie, remember that!”
Max smiled, shouting " love you” back before closing his bedroom door, finally silence evolving him, the usual feeling of disappointment pressing his heart. Max knew Charles didn’t really trust him, and that in maybe a week half of the campus would know he fucked with Daniel, he loved Charles but he wasn’t that great at keeping secrets, and he really tried to accept him like that, he could live knowing half his life was a public gossip like he was some kind of tv show people kept talking about to entertain themself, but sometimes he just hoped Charles could shut the fuck up.
He quickly threw his clothes in the big pile on his bedroom floor, he really had to do laundry if he didn’t want to start wearing his pajamas to class, but he could ignore it for another day and he just went straight in his small bathroom to shower.
It was one of those scorching hot showers that made him look like a boiled lobster, but at least it made him feel a bit less like a dirty bastard and more like a human again. He brushed his teeth and swallowed his depression meds without water, dressing in some casual clothes before going out again. He just wanted to go back to sleep but he needed therapy, or he would just spiral again, and another depressive episode wasn’t exactly what he needed.
His therapist, Helen, had a really welcoming waiting room, filled with flowers and natural sunlight, she had explained Max that it was because sometimes people struggled in seeing beautiful things in life, and flowers were a small way to restart and see that the word is filled with it, we just have to stop a second to observe it He always appreciated her way of seeing things, she really tried to make her patients feel like normal people who just needed a bit of help to live life, and even if he struggled in the beginning he was starting to understand that.
He got up when the receptionist, a gentle old lady that always gave him candy when he looked a touch too sad, called his name, saying Helen was ready to receive him. He went there two times a week, three times when he was in a bad place mentally, and after a year of going there he knew that place like the back of his hand. Helen's door was the second to the left, and her studio was a calm pink, filled with stuffed toys for her younger patients and a coffee machine for her older, she always made sure everyone had space to express themself, offering colors or stress toys to relieve anxiety. He loved when they sat on the ground, coloring pictures and just talking, it made his inner child heal a bit better.
“Hi Max! Get yourself comfortable, I’m just adjusting some documents, how are you doing?”
Max seated on the light pink couch, chewing his lips.
“I might have fucked up Helen, like really fucked up.”
He could feel tears stinging his eyes, he didn’t even do anything serious, but he had promised Charles and himself that he wouldn’t hook up anymore, and that he would stop smoking, and he had done both in only a night.
Helen dropped the sheets she was organizing, putting her attention on max.
“What makes you say that? Take a deep breath and try to explain those feelings to me, it’s hard but we can work them and accept them together, we can make mistakes Max, but those doesn’t make us screw ups, they make us human”
Max slowly breathed like she told him, trying to get his thoughts in order.
“So, yesterday i wrote you that i would go to a party, and that’s okay, we already talked on how i can have fun without getting intoxicated or exaggerating too much, but i got too high again and was having a small anxiety attack, nothing major, when this guy approached me and we started talking, and i offered him a joint because he asked one, and we got high, he was really, like really drunk, and i was past my limit with weed, so we started kissing and i ended up in his apartment, we fucked, he even asked me to meet again,and now i feel like a liar becouse i promised i wouldn’t do neither of those things to Charles and you and i did both in like one night!”
Helen nodded, listening to him, she always made him talk even if he started rambling away, something about expressing fully she said one time, and she started scribbling on her notebook.
“Max, you're on a healing journey, sometimes you do things you were used to doing because they make you feel better, even if they are not healthy, and that’s okay, it’s not a journey without difficult moments, or we would call it a fun trip. You said you wouldn’t do it, so you're angry at yourself because you think you lied to us or because you actually did those actions?”
Max tried to think about it, he actually didn’t know.
“I don’t know? I think I'm angry at myself for lying and because I did something I wasn't supposed to .I think I enjoyed the night with this guy, but I keep telling myself I shouldn't. This guy isn’t really appreciated in my friend group, he’s like some sort of bad guy, but he was funny with me and i fear it was some sort of cruel joke”
Helen nodded, smiling at him.
“Not knowing it’s normal, I think you're confused because this guy was nice to you and as your friends say, he shouldn’t. But what I think it’s more important it’s what you feel. Maybe your friends don’t like him, but this doesn’t necessarily make him a bad guy, maybe your friends aren’t compatible with him but you are, don’t cut people out because your friends say so, maybe they are actually nice and you can help the relationship between them. Let’s say your friends don’t like apples, would you stop eating them because they don’t?”
Max thought about it for a bit, it actually made sense put that way.
“No, i don’t think so”
“You wouldn’t make them eat them, but you can enjoy them and still go out with your friends.You can listen to them if they think he’s actively doing something wrong, but if you had a good experience i see no problem with trying, you can alway stop when you start feeling uncomfortable. But let’s talk a bit more about you smoking weed. We talked about reducing it, but still smoking in case you feel anxious since it helps you and we don’t want to rely only on your meds, and you said to me that you were feeling bad before smoking, so what makes you think you shouldn’t have smoked?”
“I think i could have handled that without smoking that much, i know there’s nothing wrong and it’s totally legal, but i got really high, and i don’t know if i would have ended up in his bed if i didn’t smoke.”
Helen nodded, drinking from her cup.
“Umh, you said you enjoyed this guy, but let’s say you would have been sober, you wouldn't have talked with him because you didn’t feel confident enough or because you actually didn’t want to have a sexual enteration with him?”
Max really didn’t know how Helen could be so connected to his mind.
“I think it’s because i don’t feel good enough.. he’s really handsome and from what i gathered from charles he’s a bit of a generally famous guy, maybe he could have gone home with someone more handsome or pretty than me”
“But isn’t that a decision this guy should have? If he thought you’re beautiful, and decided to go home with you, it’s because you were both infatuated and decided to have fun. It’s your insecurity that’s telling you this. People are entitled to find you attractive, or not, but this doesn't make you not worthy of attention and to have actually fun with sex. It doesn’t have to be a way of healing, we talked on how that’s dangerous for you mental health and i think you are doing a great job in healing yourself in a healthy way, but sex isn’t something you should totally ban from your life, sex can be fun and enjoyable, and from what you said this guy said to you that he wants to meet you again?”
Max slowly nodded, listening to the words Helen was saying, she always made his thoughts have a bit more sense, organizing them.
“So it can be a healthy way to have friends to have some fun with or even to start a relationship. You’re a human being and you have sexual needs, depriving yourself won’t help you, you can listen to this needs in a healthy and normal way without feeling bad, remember what i always say, you’re a traumatized individual that’s healing from a difficult childhood were you weren’t given an example of a good relationship, and the best way to heal is letting yourself feel, there aren’t bad emotions, you feel and that’s what makes you human, so you should let yourself feel them and try to work on what makes you feel better.”
Max smiled, nodding.
“Thanks Helen, that’s what I really needed to hear.”
“I’m here for this Max, don’t thank me, Let’s talk more about school or you want to tell me something else?”
Max left his therapist's office with a less heavy heart, maybe he could do this, just maybe, but he was getting there.