Ineffable Parents

by SEAAAFrijol

Summary:

Writing this to cope with szn 2 and other stuff but mostly szn 2

Troubled teen/child reader [14] being parented by Aziraphale and Crowley

It's written with gender neutral pronouns so you can read this if you're a guy, gal, or non binary pal. The main character will also be bilingual, I'm mexican-american so if your Spanish is different than mine that's why.

Also I'm sorry if I don't write Crowley's or Aziraphale's POV good

Warning this will have some explicit language and a main character with serious issues. But I'll put a warning for anything that could be upsetting so you can skip over it and focus on the fluff if you want.

Chapter 1: Broke into the Bentley

Crowley was walking back to his Bentley when two men ran past him, bumping into him.

"Sorry, man." One of the men said with an American accent. "Have you seen my little cousin? We're looking for them."


"No, sorry." Crowley shrugged, already getting in his car.


Crowley continued with his day without a second thought of the situation. It wasn't until he parked in front of Aziraphale's bookshop that he got an intuition to check the back seat.

When he did, he found a teenage child hiding on the floor. 

That teenage child being me.
The two of us stared at each other for an uncomfortably long time.

"You made an incredibly huge mistake breaking into my car." He pointed at me, probably glaring at me through those sunglasses. 

I don't say anything. Maybe he won't see me if I stay still, like in the dinosaur movies.

"Do you speak? Are you the cousin those two were looking for?"

I shake my head.

"Right." He seemed annoyed at me. "You better start telling me who you are or-"

I open the car door and stumble outside to freedom. But as I look back toward the red-haired man, I crash into someone.

"Oh, are you alright? I'm incredibly sorry." Aziraphale says as they help them up.


"Angel." Crowley greets him as he walks up to the two.


I start running away once again. Fuck, my legs are gonna be sore tomorrow.

"Who was that child, Crowley?"

"No idea. They broke into my car. You ready for lunch?" He lets Aziraphale walk in front of him toward his car.


"I do hope they're alright. They seemed quite frightened." Aziraphale enters the car as Crowley holds the door for him.


"They broke into my car."

I ran past a few corners before I finally stopped. Great, now I have to look for a way back to whatever other part of London I was in. I really should start learning the names of streets.

Hopefully, that's the last time I ever run into those two guys. No offense to them; they seem like a lovely couple.
But there was something about them.

Maybe I just haven't had enough average people interactions lately.

I shouldn't dwell on it too much. I doubt I'll ever see them again.

---


Oh, how wrong my yesterday's self was. 

 

Chapter 2: At their door

The next day, Aziraphale was enjoying some lovely music. He was interrupted when two officers knocked on his door.

"Hello, officers. How may I help you?" He says as he answers the door.

The two officers were holding the same teenager from yesterday.

"Hello, sir. Are you the father of this child?"


"ADOPTED father. He's not my real dad." They rolled their eyes and huffed.


Please play along. I pray to you, please.

Aziraphale quickly took the child under his arm, "Yes, I am their father. Is something wrong?"


"We just wanted to make sure they got home safe." The other officer answers.


"They were quite far from home. We recommend you keep an eye on your kid, sir."

"Thank you for your concern, officers. I will certainly have a talk with them." Aziraphale nodded.

"Have a good day, sir. And you better listen to your father, kid." The officer points down angrily.


I go inside the bookstore, away from those assholes. 

"And a good day to you, too." Aziraphale closed the door as the two officers started walking away.

"Did they leave?" I ask as I peek outside the window. 


The cops talked to each other and glanced back this way before leaving in their car.

"Child, why did you tell those officers I was your father?"


I looked back at the man who helped me and sighed.
I suppose he does deserve an explanation since he helped me.


"I'm sorry for involving you. I usually have things that help me pass as older so cops don't bother taking me to my parents."


I bounce my leg as I fold my arms.


"But I don't have much of anything right now." I tilt my head. "I got into a bit of trouble. And when they asked for my parents' information, I remembered the name of your shop."


I shook my head, "Again, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have involved you. You seem like a good guy."


"Oh, don't worry about that. I'm glad to have helped you. But we should call your parents. I'm sure they're very worried about you."


I laugh, "Yeah, no, they're not." I shake my head.


"You don't know that-"


"I do, though. It's okay. Not like I care." I shrug.

"I see." Aziraphale looks down with sadness. "Would you like something to drink?"


"Thanks, but I should probably go. Don't want to waste your time and all." I back toward the exit.

"It's no waste at all." He waves his hand. "And you seem like you haven't eaten in a while."


"I-" My stomach growled, betraying me. I look down in defeat, "Do you have any hot chocolate?" I shake my head.


"One hot chocolate coming right up." 

Chapter 3: Warm and cozy shop

Summary:

A nice time at the bookshop

I look around the bookshop, picking up a random book here and there.
There sure are a lot of them. Piles everywhere of books. Are bookshops usually this cramped?

I mean, probably. I don't know shit about books.

"Here you go.", Azirphale says as he hands over a cup of hot chocolate.

"Thanks.", I say as I sit on one of his chairs with my legs crossed.

I take a sip of the chocolate, and it's heavenly, so sweet and soft.
Drinking it almost made me want to cry. I haven't felt such a delicious warm drink ever.

"My pleasure. While you're here, we should get acquainted. What's your name?"

I shrug, "You can call me whatever you want. Most people do."

"Well, that must get bothersome. I much rather you choose a name for yourself."

"I'm good. Being a nameless person is more my style. How about you? Are you the Fell or the Co?" I point at the name of his shop.

I chuckle at my own joke. 

'A.Z Fell and Co.' If I knew about bookshops, I'd say that's a weird name. But I don't.

He laughs with me, "Oh, yes, well, you can call me Aziraphale."

"Wait, so is your name Azira Fell or Aziraphale Fell?" I frown as I tilt my head.

"Oh, um." He looks surprised at my question. "Whichever one you prefer." He smiles at me.

I laugh, "Okay, Mr. Aziraphale Fell." I chug down the rest of the chocolate. "Wow, that was a damn good hot chocolate." I lick away the residue from my lips.

"I'm glad you liked it." He smiled as he grabbed the cup and took it away.

I stretch in the chair. I'm all warm and cozy. Bookshops seem so homey. Why aren't more people in them?

"Is there anyone we can call to help you?"

"Honestly, no." I lay my head on the chair. "I don't have anyone. I'm all alone." A tear falls from my eye. 

"Como dijo.", I mumble to myself.

"Well, I have plenty of room upstairs. You could always stay-" Aziraphale walks back and sees they have fallen asleep in their chair.

Aziraphale smiles as he covers them with a blanket.
He couldn't wait to tell Crowley about this.

Chapter 4: Stay Here

I wake up from a well-rested nap. I stretch my back and neck, making my bones crack.
I looked around and saw the sun had gone down.

Fuck that was a long ass nap. I didn't even ask for permission to sleep here.

I started looking around the store to see if I could find Mr. Fell. I wanted to apologize and thank him before leaving. 

As I was looking, I heard some voices behind a door. When I got closer, I could tell it was a back-and-forth between two people. I step closer to see if it was Mr. Fell in there. 
When I do, the door swings open, and I jump back.

"See, they're already spying on us. There's no privacy when kids are around." Crowley tells Aziraphale.

"I was just leaving." I pointed behind me toward the exit.


"Oh, stop it, Crowley." He turns to me, "Please, stay. There's plenty of room for you upstairs."

"I can't, it wouldn't be right." I shake my head.


"Alright, then." He looks down disappointed, "But if you ever need a place to rest, my doors are always open."


"I wish I could stay here. But you don't get it." I shake my head. "I've done some not-so-legal stuff. And if I stay here, it could get you involved; I don't want to do that to you. You've been so nice." 


I take a deep breath to stop myself from crying. 


"I appreciate you helping me. But you should save your soul-saving for someone worth it." I nod and turn away.


Crowley sees the heartbroken face on Aziraphale as the child walks away. 

Crowley stops them, "Now, wait a minute. We can't let you leave; you're a criminal."


Fuck, maybe I should've kept my illegal activities out of the conversation. 
Who am I kidding? I broke into this guy's car.

"So, unless you want us to hand this over to the police, you will serve your punishment for your crimes here."


"Punishment?"

"Yeah, you'll work in the bookshop, a bedtime, and three meals a day. Like a prison." He shrugs.


"Except much better." Aziraphale quickly adds.


"And what's to stop me from running away?" I look up at Crowley.


"Not much." He puts his hand on my shoulder. "But I've handled souls much more unsavable than you." 


I could feel him stare into my eyes through his glasses.


"Yeah, okay." I push his hand off me. "I've made worse decisions."

"Oh, wonderful!" Aziraphale cheers. "Come with me; I'll show you your room."

 

Chapter 5: Breakfast

Summary:

You haven't had a such a great breakfast in a long time

The morning after, Aziraphale was making breakfast. 

"Good morning, angel."

"Crowley, could you go wake the child? Their breakfast is ready."

Aziraphale prepares their plate while Crowley goes to their room.

"Angel!" Crowley rushes back, "They're gone."

"What?!" Aziraphale runs over to their room.

The room was vacant; the bed didn't even seem to have been slept on.

"We have to go look for them, Crowley."

"Calm down. They couldn't have gone far."

I made my way upstairs as I heard Mr. Fell and Crowley yelling.

"Is everything all right?" I said, looking at their panicked selves.

"We were worried you had-"

"Why weren't you in your room?" Crowley put his hands on his waist.

"I was downstairs. I couldn't sleep last night, so I went through some of the books." I shrugged.

In reality, I had been using the books as building blocks. Then I spent a lot of time putting the books back. 

"Was I supposed to stay in my room?"

"No, of course not. We just wanted to tell you breakfast is ready."

"Okay, I'll go brush my teeth. In case you need to know my every location." I make my way to the bathroom.

Crowley looks over to Aziraphale, "They sure are sassy."

"The two of you do have a lot in common."

"What is that supposed to mean?" 

"You could use your common ground to get close to them, help them open up to us. They seem so sad- if we knew their troubles, we could help them better."

"You're helping them. I'm only making sure you don't get carried away with this. I don't help people." Crowley shakes his head.

"I am certain if you spend time together, you will grow on each other."

"I am coming back inside. Again, in case you needed to know." I say sarcastically as I come inside.

Fuck, why do I have to be so rude? They only meant well. It's not like before.
Ugh, you suck. I suck.

I hurry up and start eating before I throw myself out the window.
The food completely takes me out of my thoughts. It was the most delicious food I've ever tasted. It was so warm and flavourful. I scarf down my food, barely able to resist licking the plate clean. I can't come off that desperate.

"That was really good." 

"Really? Would you like some more?" Aziraphale asked enthusiastically.

"Yes!" I said too quickly. "I mean," 

No, you can't eat all their food. Yeah, it's SO rude. But I can't take it back now; I practically jumped at his offer.
STUPID.

Oh, but I'm so hungry. And that food was so good. I wonder how the food tasted when plates had lead. 
What? No- focus, be polite.

"Just a little, please.", I said as I handed him my plate.

"Now, I was thinking we could go out for some shopping. Buy some clothes or furniture, whatever it is you'd like."

He places my plate in front of me.

"I'm good. I don't need anything." I shake my head as I stuff my mouth with food.

"Are you sure? We could go to whichever stores you like."

"I've never shopped before." I shrug.

"That's great, we could take you on your first time shopping. We'll make a whole day of it."

Neither Crowley nor the kid was excited, but neither was telling Aziraphale.

 

Chapter 6: Out shopping

Aziraphale took us to some clothing stores, but his style was a little too old-fashioned for my taste. He wore it well though and it's not bad or anything. 


"What do you think? Is there anything you like?" Aziraphale asked as we looked through the clothes. "Oh, this coat is lovely."


"Yeah. It's nice." I nod.

"If you don't like it it's fine. We could go somewhere else."


"Perhaps somewhere that sells brooding teen clothes?" Crowley suggests.

"The people buying my clothes used to choose the clothes for me. So, I'll like anything you buy really." I shrug.

"No kid likes the clothes their parents choose for them." Crowley shook his head.


I didn't.


"My mom wasn't the only one who bought my clothes.", is the only thing I can say.


"Let's go ahead to another shop. We have the whole day ahead of us, I'm sure you'll find something you like." Aziraphale smiles as he pats my shoulder.


"Is there really a store that sells brooding teen clothes?" I ask Crowley as we walk out of the store.

It was hard thinking about what I liked.
I know what I don't like. I don't like the Sunday clothes my mother would force me into or the scratchy uniforms my school made me wear. 

It used to be easy knowing what I liked. I liked what he liked- he chose my clothes, my food, my life. Without him... I'm lost. 

It's hard finding out my identity outside him, but they're patient as they took me from store to store. We even go to stores that don't sell clothes. Like a record shop run by this nice blonde lady.


"These are much bigger than what DJs use. Though I've never seen them up close and nightclubs are dark." 


"You've gotten in a nightclub?" Crowley scrunches his forehead as he looks up from the records he was searching.


"Uhh... Is that music any good?" I look at the record in his hand titled 'Queen's Greatest Hits'

"-Best classic rock band there is."


"What does classic rock sound like?" 


He hands the album over to me, "Find out for yourself." 

I go over to the lady at the register, "Could you play this? 

"Sure. This is a great choice."  She took the disk and put it in the disk player thingy.


I still don't understand what classic rock is exactly, but I like it. Finally, I found the first thing I wanted to get.

"Ooo, so you do magic with this stuff?", I ask as we enter a magic shop.


"Yes, but it does take some practice. I'm quite a skilled magician myself."


"My mother said magic is the devil's work.", I say, looking around.

Crowley covered a chuckle with a cough.


"Well, that's just not right." Aziraphale shakes his head.

"Would you teach me how to do magic?" I ask, grabbing a black wand with a white tip.


"Oh, I'd be delighted to. Let's get you a few things to start you off with. This will be so fun!" I laugh as Aziraphale starts excitedly pulling me around the shop and showing me their products.

"Oh, you can't be serious." Crowley groaned.


During the rest of our time out shopping, I got a few shirts and pants that were plain, but a nice place to start.

 

Chapter 7: Before

Summary:

We get to know what happened before they got in the Bentley

Notes:

This is an angst chapter, with mention of abuse and abuse implied.
This chapter is mostly necessary to move the plot and so I can make a Crowley parent focused chapter next ;]
If you don't care about the plot just skip this one.

"There's a question I wanted to ask you if you don't mind.", Aziraphale said while I pretended to read a book from the shop.

I look up, "I might answer it. What is it?"

"You've mentioned a mother before, do you know where your mother is now?"

I look back down at my book, "She's probably still in Spain or maybe Italy. I haven't seen or heard of her for like two years...?"

"She hasn't tried to contact you at all?" I could hear the concern in his voice.

I don't know why but it angered me.

I closed the book, "The first time I ran away, I didn't make it far, a local policeman found me and brought me back. When they left she hit me and told me the next time I decide to run away don't bring the police back to her house. It was a bad look on her."  I roll my eyes, putting the book to the side.


"And you've been alone all this time?" His voice is sad and caring, but I don't look at him.


"...no." I got up and went to my room.

In my room, I grab my old jacket and take out the old flip phone in the inner pocket.
I stare at it as if that will make it vibrate and glow.

It has been the only thing I've wished for the last month. Cried myself to sleep wishing for it to happen.
For the man that I loved for the past three years to call me. To tell me he's okay. 

Perhaps I shouldn't. Why would I be worried for his safety when he abandoned me without a word? Left homeless and an addict.


I don't even know where I'd be right now if I hadn't gotten into the car that night.

I was stupid enough to trust that girl if I hadn't been so desperate to forget my pain for a moment I wouldn't have fallen for her trap.
I went to her place, unarmed and desperate, only to be met with those two men who had been slighted by the man that left me. They demanded payback as if I was the key to his demise. No matter how much I told them they were wrong, I was only something he tossed away, they would never believe me.

I always knew some people hated him as much to hurt anyone close to him. But it was the first time I experienced it. I was helpless and in distress, the most humiliating feeling as they grabbed me and spoke of all the horrible things they'd do if I didn't give them information on someone who could be dead for all I knew.
I'm sure they would gone through with their threats if I hadn't been able to escape. Afterward, I was left in pain with bruises on my body, but I ran as far as I could until the cops found me. Luckily they didn't search for me and simply took me to the bookshop. If they had they would've seen all the bruises and scars I had, old and new.


It's a miracle I am where I am now.

I want to accept this kindness, accept this happiness... but I'm scared. I'm scared that the minute I'm happy it will be taken away, scared that this happiness will lead to something worse.

 

Chapter 8: Promise

Summary:

Azirphale is going on a "business trip" and Crowley is tasked with trying to get the child to open up

Notes:

I feel like I might name the MC soon, I have a few gender-neutral names in mind, but comment if you have any ideas. My favorite idea so far is naming them Sins I. Fell with the I. being just I. really.

"You cannot leave me alone with them, Angel." Crowley shakes his head.

"Oh, I am certain this is a perfect opportunity to bond with them, Crowley. And I'll make sure not to be gone long." Aziraphale nods.

"The own kid doesn't know where their mother is, they could be anywhere!" He raises his hands in the air.

"I have to at least try to find them."

"And then what? Force the child to back to them? Clearly, they ran away for a reason. Leaving them in the streets would be kinder." He nods dramatically. 

"No, but if I can talk to them I could, possibly help them see their wrongs and have them learn to become better."

"Right, abusers are well known to change their ways." He shakes his head.

"Even if they don't change, it's important for someone to call them out for hurting that child." Azirphale puts his hands together, remembering his conversation with them from yesterday

"Well, after you give them that stern talking to; I too can talk with them. I can make sure they never hit a kid again." 

Aziraphale grabs Crowleys hands, "I really do think you can connect with them more than I could. Promise me you'll try to get them to open up."

"I will... try." Crowley nods, unexcitedly.

"Oh, thank you, Crowley. I will see the both of you soon, I promise." Aziraphale plants a kiss on Crowley's lips before leaving.

-

I woke up with my neck hurting since I had slept in the closet. I tried moving my head in a circle, but that just hurt more.
When I got up, a huge growl came from my stomach.


Damn, why am I always so hungry?

I left my room expecting to smell food, but I didn't. I went down to the bookshop, but Aziraphale wasn't there either. Instead, I find Crowley, filling a glass with wine.

We hold eye contact for a while as we hear the wine fill the glass. Even with his glasses on I could feel the awkward eye contact.
He puts the bottle down after filling up enough.


"Hey." I break the silence. "Where's Mr. Aziraphale?

"Uh, a business trip came up." He shakes his head. "Something to do with books."


"Oh..kay." I start to walk back up to my room.


"Hold on." I hear him stand up from his chair.


I turn back around from my place on the stairs.


"You must be starving. How about we go out to eat?" He puts his hands in his pockets.


"Uh, sure. Let me get ready." I quickly walk to get changed.

I wanted to hurry up and get ready, but I also didn't want to seem like I was desperate for food. 
I threw on a simple outfit before heading back down.

Chapter 9: A walk

Summary:

Going out to eat with Crowley takes a turn, you get ice cream and see an old face.

Notes:

I started by trying to make just fluff, but then the angst took over me.

"So, where we going?" I ask, sitting in the passenger seat of his car this time.

I hadn't realized how late I slept in. The sun was still out but was low in the sky.

"What do you feel like?"


"Ion know." I shrug. "I'm good with anything."

"Just choose the first thing that pops into your mind then." I can tell he's getting annoyed.


"I don't know. Why can't you choose?"

"I'm not the one who's hungry." His voice starts to sound angry.


"I never said I was hungry." 


"Well, why did you say yes to getting food?"


I can feel him yelling at me again.


"I don't know!"

Yelling me in my ear.

"What do you know?"

Pushing me to the floor.


"I know that you're a dick!" 

He stops the car abruptly, I see his arm move and I feel myself flinch instinctively.
He was only turning to me and resting his arm on the car seat.
Seeing my reaction he turns back around, putting his hands on the wheel.

He takes a deep breath and begins driving again.

I don't pay attention to where we are going, zoning out as I frequently wipe away frustrated tears before they come out. 

He stops the car at a park. 

I expected him to tell me to get out of his car and drive away without me.

Instead, he gets out and opens the passenger seat for me.

"Come on.", he says, not sounding angry.

I get out and look around, "Where are we going?" I whisper as I walk alongside him.

"We're going for a walk while we think of what to eat." His voice is a neutral tone.

There's an awkward silence between us again.

"I'm sorry for calling you a dick." Though he was being one.

"No, you're not."

Damn, got seen right through.

I sigh, "No, I'm not."

As we're walking I see an ice cream vendor. God, that shit looks so good.

"What do you think? Is ice cream good enough for now?"


"Yeah." I crack a smile. Happy to get something so delicious.


He gives me a twenty just out of his pocket.

There's a few people in line for ice cream but it doesn't take long for it to be my turn. As they were handing me my ice cream I heard someone call out to me by one of my many names.

I tried to pretend I didn't hear them but it was too late.

"Hey, bitch. Didn't you hear me calling your name?" It was the girl who led me into the trap that night.

She was like eighteen, twenty at her oldest. She used to hang around a lot with him, a part of his ever-growing entourage. 

Can't lie, she's objectively hot though without makeup you could tell she was a crackhead. But she knew how to cover up her crackhead look.

"I forgot how much of a deaf bitch you are." Yeah, she uses 'bitch', A LOT. 

I obviously don't give a shit about curse words but for fucks sake. 

"Glad to see you alive and eating ice like some bougie bitch too."


"I'm sure you are." I roll my eyes trying to walk away.

"Yeah." She stops me by going in front of me. "If anyone could get out of tough situations, it's you, sneaky little bitch ways."


I look around and finally find Crowley, he sees me as well with a worried look and I can see him start to make his way to us.
I make sure no one is near us to hear what I'm about to tell her.

"At least I know how to survive on my own. Who's dick are you sucking now to get by?"

She gasps, offended, and is about to hit me, but Crowley gets between us.

"I'd think twice about laying a hand on them if I were you."


"I was just playing around with my friend, sir." Ah, now it's the time she puts on her good girl act.

Not a bad play, it does often get her out of trouble.

"No, you weren't."


Her eyes begin to water, putting her hands over her face like a child being yelled at, again another act that has worked, "Sir, I-"


"Stop acting like a child, you're a grown adult. Find friends your own age while you're at it too." He grabs my hand. "Come on."

I follow him as we quickly make some distance between us and her.


"Have fun sucking!" I can hear her yell.

Chapter 10: End of the day

Summary:

A nice moment then some questions and a lot of angst.

Notes:

Sorry for the angst at the end.

I take my hand back quickly after we leave the scene. Crowley just easily lets go.

"You used to hang with people like that?

"Well, it wasn't by choice."


"Been there."


"She was one of the tolerable ones believe it or not. She used to do anything to be on my good side. It was always for her to gain something. And I was stupid enough to fall for it."


"Or someone should've taught you when not to trust people."


"I was taught to not trust anyone except for one person."


"Yeah, who's that?"


"Well, my mom always said it was God, and my... someone else taught me it was them. Uh, I'm still hungry. Let's get something to eat at one of those street vendors."


He follows along with me, not pushing me to speak more. I looked for a street vendor selling anything that smelled promising.

He let me order and paid for the food. We ate in comfortable silence on one of the park benches.

It was a nice feeling, but it was strange. The only relaxing moments I had before were when I was drugged up and out of it. I used to think that's the only comfort I could have.
Yet the feeling of dread still haunted me.

"Thank you for today. I know you only did this because Mr. Aziraphale asked you to. But I had a good time."


He shrugs, "Well, I'd go as far as to say I too had a surprisingly good time."


I smile as I glance at him, feeling like he's speaking the truth.
Another good feeling.

"Are you ever scared," I look up, watching people pass by some alone, others in pairs, or together in a small group, together as a family...


"of being without him?"


He clears his throat and I'm unsure if he'll answer.

"I am."


"Have you had each other for a long time?" I scoot closer to him.


"You could say that." He nods, trying to hide a smirk.


"How long?"


"Aren't you tired of all these questions?"


"You guys ask me a bunch of questions. It's my turn."


He thinks about it before responding, "Alright, as long as you don't expect me to respond to all of them." He goes back to his leaning posture.


I shake my head, "Good enough. So how long?"

"I think I already said a long time." He tilts his head as he crosses his arms.

I look back to looking at the people in the park, their numbers dwindling as it got darker.


"...Longer than three years?" My heart started to beat heavily.


"Yes. Longer than three years." 


"How'd you do it?" I look at my hands as I scratch my skin.


I can feel his questioning look.

"How did you stay together so long? Did you ever get bored, or angry, or in a fight? You ever get sick of seeing their face, hearing their voice or their presence?" I shake my head feeling my eyes well up.


"No! Why- would-" I look at him and he turns around with a disturbed look.


He takes a breath before turning back around with a calmer face, "I can be mad sometimes or disagree with him, but I could never be sick of him."


I think about how I've offended him. I made him mad.
It was bad that I asked that.


"I just- I don't understand..." I take shaky teary breaths, "How do you get someone to keep you? To always want to keep you?" I can feel myself shaking as tears come out.

I cover my face with my knees, unable to control my crying.

"Come on, let's get home."

"I'm sorry. I- I can't. I can't." I shake my head.


I felt hot as I felt my heart hitting my chest and my body shaking around me. My mouth was dry and all I could hear was the cries that came out. 
I wish I could stop. But I couldn't, I was paralyzed in this state.

Get it together. Fuck! You're embarrassing yourself! Stop! Run! Leave! Hide!

But I don't have to. Crowley picks me up not saying anything as he carries me to the car.
It felt warm and comforting to be held- making me tear up more.

I continue shaking in my tears as I feel my eyes grow heavy and the dark take over me. 

 

 

Notes:

God writing this made me cry.

Chapter 11: Watch a movie

Summary:

You go to the movies <3

Notes:

I'm sorry for taking so long to post this. I wanted to make this just a fluff chapter which I hope even if I didn't manage to do that you still like it. But it's hard to write about what you're not familiar with. I write about trauma because I know trauma, and comfort has only now been introduced into my life. But I'm trying and I know one day I'll know it just as much.

"Do you not take part in the book business?" I ask as I look around the bookshelves.

"No." He says from where he's sitting.

"Why's that?" I touch the spine of the books as I pass them.

It was a pretty boring day and I was trying to find a way to pass the time.
I might just sleep the rest of the day away.


"I'm not interested in it."

I sit on the floor grabbing a random book to flip its pages, "I'm not a big fan of books either. I wish I was, then I could use them to escape into a whole different world. What is your business then? Do you work? When is Mr. Aziraphale coming back?"


Crowley takes a deep breath annoyed at the unstopping questions from the child.

"Alright let's take some time outside yeah?"

They let out a small groan as they hang their head back, "I don't want to go out and be around people today."

"What about a movie? I'll let you choose it?"


"A movie?" They tense up. They shake their head getting out of their thoughts, "There's no TV here."


"That's why we're going to the cinema."


"Cinema?"


"Yeah, you know the place with the big screens and lots of seats where people pay to watch movies?"


"El ciné!" They quickly get up brightening up like a firecracker, waving their hands excitedly as they jump.

"Uh, yeah. Come on let's go before-" He didn't need to give a reason they needed to get going, they were already running out the door. "Jacket!" He screams after the child.

They run back- racing to their room before racing back out, jacket in hand.

On the drive there their legs won't stop shaking with excitement.

Crowley didn't expect this to be their reaction, but he was glad they were happy and he had an hour where he wasn't answering questions.

"Well, then what would you like to watch?" Crowley asks as they arrive.


"You can choose. I don't know any recent movies that came out."


To be fair Crowley didn't either, but he wasn't going to force them to pick.


"Can I grab snacks?" 


"Sure."

He hands them money to buy snacks.

"Thank you!" They smile brightly before heading toward the concession stand.

"They seem like such a sweetheart. You're doing such a good job." A random person tells Crowley.

I loved being here. I haven't been to a movie theater since I was like five or six. I barely even remember it only recalling it when Crowley described it. It was a very nostalgic and happy memory. 
Being back to one now made me happy but also made me want to cry, but in a good way.

The smell of popcorn and the dimness was so similar to what I remember. What's really different is the lack of people. It was just me and Crowley and our snacks. Still, it's just as nice as the memory. 

Chapter 12: Getting a new record

Summary:

goes to the record shop

I jump awake from a spine-chilling dream. I quickly look around and sigh as I am still in my room in the bookshop. I'm surprised to have woken up in my bed. 

I slowly get off my bed, feeling strangely well-rested. I checked my body making sure I was fine. 

I am. I'm okay.

I brush my teeth and get something to eat before starting my day. I've grown to like this routine. Though I can't wait for Aziraphale to come back; I enjoy the cereal I get to eat but miss his mouthwatering food. 

Today I want to visit Maggie, I want to get another record and try some new music genres. 
I'm a little nervous to ask Crowley for permission. He's been doing a lot for me, I don't want to ask for too much.

"So..."  I clap my hands together. "I wanted to know if I could go to the record shop and get a new record. It's close by so I could go by myself." My hands shook slightly and I held them to make them stop.

"Sure. Why not?"


"Really?" I look up excitedly.


"Are you planning to run off?"


"No." I shake my head.


"Then sure." He nods.


"Thanks!" I run to get my jacket and then towards the door.

"Forgetting something?" I go over to him and he hands me some money. 


"Thank you." I give him a quick hug before running outside.


"Hello, Maggie.", I say as I enter the shop.

"Oh, hello. Nice to see you again. All here by yourself today?" She smiles as she looks at me.

"Yeah. I wanted to try out some other music genres. Do you have any recommendations?" 

"Sure, here let me show you some of my favorites." She happily gets out from behind the counter and leads me to the records.


I had a nice time listening to different types of songs with Maggie. It ended up being a hard choice between two albums, but Maggie told me I could get both. I insisted on at least paying for one.

I smiled happily as I walked out of the store. But before I could go back to the book shop two men stopped me. 

No, no. Not these guys again.
I dart my eyes around for a way to get out of this.

"Don't make a sound. Do as we say or we'll hurt those bookshop owners of yours.", they threaten as they push me forward to a parked car.

One opens the door while the other stays behind me.


"Get in." 

I look up at the bookshop, their words ringing in my ears, my blood running cold. I go inside the car. 

 

Chapter 13: Inside the car

Summary:

Being threatened and self-hate.

Notes:

So I've been thinking of other potential names, but I'm pretty uncreative so all I got is Yono and Emci and Whyen. I'm still favorable towards Sins tho, but Yono has grown on me a little.

Inside the car there was a man sitting on the other side; the "leader" of this group. I don't know what he does, I only remember him talking with them a lot. He never wanted me to know what it'd be about.

I don't know what these guys are truly capable of and I can't risk underestimating them.

I'm pushed further into the car as one of the guys gets inside.

"You're a slippery, I'll give you that. You have more balls than your boyfriend." He scratches his neck where he has a recent scar and his voice is raspier than before.

Caused by me.

It's horrifying to remember, but stabbing into a man's throat is hard to forget. The noise, the blood, the feeling.


"Please, I don't know where he-" He pushes his hand over my mouth.


He wraps his other hand over my throat. "Don't interrupt me. Things won't end well for you."


I grab his hand and try to pry it off my neck. My body shook as it became hard to breathe.

"Nod if you understand."


I nod frantically.

He pulls his hands back.

"Good. Now, despite everything I'm willing to cut you a deal. I know your boy screwed you over like he did to me. And your new meal tickets seem to have money to spend. So you pay me the money that son of a bitch owes and everything will be forgotten. 800,000 pounds should cover it."


"I-I can't." I shake my head.


 "You can. I'll even make it easier for you. Leave us a way in and we'll ransack the place, that car of theirs should be worth something. The rest you can work off."

"But-"


He grabs my face, squeezing it tightly with one hand, "Don't but me you ungrateful little shit. If you don't pay me back I'll make you watch as your meal tickets pay for it with their lives."

"Don't! Please, they have nothing to do with this." 

He lets go of me quickly going back to a calm demeanor, "I just want what is owed to me. No one has to get hurt. It's all up to you." 

"I'll... I'll do it. I'll get you your money just don't hurt them please." I shake and cry like a cowardly worm.


"Good. We'll be back tomorrow, and you better have something for us. Now get the fuck out." 

I scurry out as soon as I hear the doors unlock.

I wipe my face as I try to get myself together before going back to the bookshop.

My feet feel heavy as I walk inside; I feel like throwing up.

"What's wrong?" Crowley looks at me with concern and I immediately feel like he can see straight through me.

No digas nada. The familiar words kept ringing in my head.

"I can't help you unless you talk to me." He leans down to look at me in the face.

I try to keep it together, but I'm a weak good for nothing child and break into tears.

Crowley becomes more worried when they start crying. He becomes even more shocked when he pieces together what happened through mumbles and sobs.

"It's alright, you'll be alright now." He tries to comfort them.

"I'm so sorry. I put you in danger and- I don't know what to do." They sob as they shake their head.

"Don't worry about that, I'll take care of it."


"No, no that's not fair. You shouldn't have to-"


He rests a hand on their shoulder, "Everything will be fine, I promise."

They give Crowley a tight and tearful hug, "Please be careful."

That night they couldn't sleep, and the next day they couldn't eat. The whole day they spent looking outside through a window with anxiety. 
It wasn't until Crowley showed them the news of their arrest that they finally rested easy. This time they cried out of relief.

Notes:

Yeah, I did not want those guys' storyline to stay longer than this chapter. :]

Chapter 14: Aziraphale is back from his trip

Summary:

Aziraphale is back and gets to find out what happened while he was gone.

Notes:

Sorry I wanted to post a chapter by Sunday but I got a small injury, and I just didn't have it in me to write. Hope you like this chapter : ]

I'm confused as to what happened with those men. How did they get arrested? What did they write about them in the paper? Could they still hurt me?

I don't feel safe leaving the bookshop yet, and I still feel horrible for having Crowley help me.

Why did I do all this? Why did I go inside the car? Why did I go into the apartment? Why did I stay with a man that'd leave me in a second? Why did I run away? Why didn't I listen? Why was I even created? Why am I still alive? Why am I me?!

I get out of my room to get away from my thoughts. I hear talking coming from downstairs.
Was Aziraphale back?

"Well, were you able to find anything on the kid's parents?" Crowley asked Aziraphale, though he already knew the answer. If Aziraphale had found anything he would've already called with the news.

"I could not find a thing." Aziraphale shook his head disappointed. "I had no idea where to even start. I do hope things went much better here without me."


Crowley shook his head, "Yeah, we had loads of fun. They're surprisingly talkative."

"Oh, I just knew you could get them to open up. You have to tell me how everything went." 


"Well, I also found out what kind of people they used to hang out with. Absolutely loathsome creatures." Crowley shook his head in disgust.

Oh, no. When Aziraphale finds out what happened, they'll work harder to find my mom and take me back to her. 

"Mr. Aziraphale, you're back!" I run downstairs and hug him.

A few tears slip out of my eyes, I don't want to leave.

Aziraphale was surprised and overjoyed at the sudden affection, quickly returning it.

"Yes, I just got back last night. It's so good to see you again."

"How was your book business trip?"


He looked over to Crowley as he nodded, "Oh, it went very well. I heard you had your own fun. How about we talk about it over breakfast?"


Their eyes quickly brightened up, "Yes, please!"

They had missed Aziraphale's cooking and while the cereal Crowley gave them for breakfast was full of tasty sugar nothing topped the warm heavenly meals Aziraphale prepared. 

As they stuffed their mouth with food they recanted all the good parts of the past days.

"Crowley took me to the park and I got to have some ice cream, it was so yummy. The park is so nice during the day."


"That's nice perhaps we can all go together sometime.", Aziraphale suggested. 


"We also went to the cinema, it was so fun! I got to watch a movie on this BIG screen and eat popcorn. Can we go there sometime together too?"

"Of course, we can go any day you like." Aziraphale nodded overjoyed at their enthusiasm. After all, he also wanted to connect to the child.

"Yes!" They pumped their fist in excitement.

Crowley smiled seeing both of them happy.

 

Chapter 15: Thank you

Summary:

Going to Aziraphale for help
Angst and Comfort
TW: Mention of abuse

Notes:

So this has some stuff very much inspired by my life.
Also thank you to everyone reading this, all the kudos, comments, hits, and bookmarks I appreciate all of them.

"Mr. Aziraphale?"

"Yes?"

"I was wondering if you could help me read this. " I held out a book with lots of pages. Its pretty cover was the only factor that made me choose it.

"Of course." 

I sit beside him, and he slowly helps me sound out the first word. But the letters are jumbled together and it hurts my head constantly trying to untangle them. Even if I got the letters together, I don't know what some of these words mean. All I can do is repeat a word after it's sounded out. I can remember some of the words, but I still get them confused: it, if, one, once, place, plate, too, two.

"Ugh, this is so frustrating! I'm never gonna get it!" I push the book away. "Why is it so hard for me?!"

"You mustn't rush yourself, you'll learn in time. Do you mind telling me, have you ever learned how to read?"

My head hurts as I remember when people tried to teach me.

"I- uh, have a sister... she tried to teach me at one point. She's super smart and stuff but I just never got it."


"I assume your parents didn't take you to school either."


"I mean, technically I was in school. My mom preferred for my existence to be hushed down." I roll my eyes. "So she put me in some sort of religious homeschool all I learned was whatever she wanted me to. It was mostly prayers and chores, she didn't spend much time doing it though, usually once maybe twice a week. She couldn't even be bothered to teach me to write." I look down, remembering her anger at me.

TW-

She'd get frustrated when I did something wrong she'd pull my hair roughly. Sometimes I still can feel her fingers digging into my scalp. If I cried she'd get angrier and held and shook me harder. 
He also did that when he was angry, but it wasn't as bad as her. -

It's not their fault, I frustrated everybody, even my sister had enough of me. 

I shake my head, "Even when someone did try to teach me all I could do is copy words. I just might be useless at learning anything. Maybe she just didn't want to waste her time." I shrug.

"Well, I believe you're a very bright child. All you need is a helping hand- or two." He gives me such a kind smile.

"So, you don't intend to send me back to my mother?" 

Azirphale looked confused.


I look down immediately, "I'm sorry, I... overheard you and Crowley talking before."

They seemed so scared and repentant. 

Aziraphale put his hand on their shoulder, "I don't intend to make you go with anyone, I want you to stay here with us."

They break into tears as they hug Aziraphale, who once again quickly reciprocates the affection. 

"Thank you... Thank you." They said as more tears left their eyes.

 

Notes:

I won't be posting much during October, sorry. I really like spooky month and just want to relax and enjoy it. I might write a Halloween chapter, but idk if Halloween is commonly celebrated in England.

Chapter 16: Magic trick

Summary:

A bit of agoraphobia and learning magic tricks.

Notes:

I'm back, hope everyone's Spooky month went well, I had a lot of fun and made my own ears for my siblings and I's Tom, Jerry and Nibbles/Tuffy costume :]

I was excited about going to the cinema with Crowley and Aziraphale but then I remembered- I'd have to go outside.

I know those men are gone and I'm safe here, but what if I'm not? What if they come back? Or someone else wants payback? What if it happens all over again?

"So, do you have any particular film you wish to watch?"

"Uhm... You know, I was thinking maybe we could get a TV. Then we could watch all the movies we want whenever we want without leaving the bookshop."

"Oh, well that sounds splendid. I should go ask Maggie and Nina where to get one of those. Care to join me?" He starts making his way to the exit.

"Uh, no. I'm good in here. You don't have to go either." I walk in front of him to stop him. He looked concerned, "I want to learn more about those magic tricks." I quickly come up with a reason to stay inside.

He lights up at the word magic, "Oh, I know exactly which magic trick to teach you next. You'll love it." 

"Great." I smile, taking a glance at the door before following him.

I do enjoy learning from Aziraphale, he has much more patience teaching me than anyone else has had. And learning these magic tricks is so much fun.

"Uh, what's going on?" Crowley asks, entering the room ready to leave for the cinema.

"Aziraphale is teaching me some more magic tricks." They say shuffling a deck of cards, their shuffling skills needing some work.

"What about the cinema?" He looks over to Aziraphale who is immersed with the child.

"Let's go another day- look. Pick a card."  They hold out a spread deck.

Crowley sighs before taking a card and sitting down.

Six of Hearts.

"Okay, now memorize your card and put it back." 

After Crowley puts the card back they shuffle the deck again, this time with their eyes closed.

Once they're done shuffling they pick out the first card from on top of the deck.

"Is this your card?" They hold out a Six of Clubs. 

"No." Crowley shakes his head.


"Oh." They look at the card disappointingly. 

Aziraphale looks at them with sympathy, ready to comfort them and have them try again.

"Well, how about this one?" They flip the card around to reveal a Six of Hearts. 

"Oh, wonderful!" Aziraphale cheers. 

They laugh at the praise, a new moment for them as pride and happiness fill their chest. 

"Very good showmanship as well." 

The continuous praises from Aziraphale almost made them turn red. 

"Yeah, not bad.", Crowley compliments.

They were trapped with a smile, it hurt smiling so much but still felt nice. They didn't need to go outside. They could stay inside forever. The world was dangerous and frightening, in here they could stay safe and happy.

 

Chapter 17: Indoors

Summary:

hurt and comfort

Notes:

Can't say I don't be staying inside all time and it's so weird writing a character who's gonna work through it while I'm still in here lol :,)

It's been a week since I've decided to stay inside forever. Honestly, I'm fine with it. Outside is overrated. I'm all good in here.

I'm used to having to stay inside. 
When I was with my father I used to stay in a room all day. I remember chewing on my shoe straps or my arm. I'd find fun in trying to get under or over any furniture we had. I'd only go out when my grandmother would take me to church on Sundays and sometimes to see a movie.
With my mother, she didn't pay attention to where I was so I started sneaking out and trying to run away. 

Then I met him and we'd go out all the time partying until we passed out.
Sometimes we would stay inside these places where it was like constant partying and we wouldn't leave for I don't know how long. It was all a big blur. There would also be times when I would wait for him inside his place and he would be gone for hours or days. 

Again, the point is that I'm fine with staying inside, and staying inside can be so much fun. 

 

While they were busy trying to cope with this new life indoors, Crowley and Aziraphale noticed their strange behavior and began to worry. 

"I'm worried about how they'll react if we approach them in the wrong way about this, Crowley."


"We can't help them unless we know what's wrong."


"Crowley, wait!" Aziraphale is unable to stop him from going over to the child who was busying themselves by putting away books.

"Alright, what's wrong?" Crowley asks, Aziraphale following behind him.


"What? Nothing." They look up and shake their head. "Everything's fine. What could be wrong?" They look down as they continue to shake their head.


"A week ago, you were excited to go to the cinema and now you won't step a foot outside the bookshop. What's wrong?", Crowley presses.

They unintentionally begin fiddling with their fingers as they think of a response.

Aziraphale steps forward to them, "We're only worried about you and we can't help unless you tell us what's going on."


"I..." Their eyes dart to the side. "I..."

Crowley kneels to meet them at their eye level, "You're not in trouble, we only want to know what's wrong."


"I don't know, I just... I'm scared." Their eyes glaze with tears.


"Why are you scared?" Aziraphale asks, putting their hand on their shoulder.

"Everything is scary, the world is terrifying. With everything that has happened I just- I'm sorry I can't." Tears keep coming out despite their constant wiping.

"It's alright, we're here. We're going to help you." Aziraphale wraps them in his arms.

Notes:

God I wish I had them as parents, my mom just tells me to stop crying and then shares a traumatizing story from her past

Chapter 18: Holiday Special

Summary:

Celebrating Christmas with Azirphale and Crowley.

Notes:

I pulled myself out of my holiday depression to put this out and my D key got broken which made it harder to write, but it's worth it. Merry Holidays everyone. This one was rushed out, so not that much editing or revising sadly. Hope you still enjoy.

This is technically canon, just doesn't follow the current timeline of the story.

I used to be a big fan of Christmas when I was really young. I don't remember it very well, though, just being in my grandma's house with a bunch of other relatives, which I hardly remembered even then. The other kids never seemed to like me, so I used to stay by my grandma's side the whole night. Still, I used to love it.
But then I moved with my mom; she always made me stay in my room, and when she remembered me she'd give me coal.
And I won't go into detail about how my recent past Christmas' have been, but safe to say, I've never gotten back into the holiday spirit. I'll admit at times I would resent this time of year.

But things are different now, I have to remember that. 

Aziraphale loves this holiday, though he didn't push it too hard on me to enjoy it. I could tell he wanted me to like this holiday as much as him.
Crowley didn't seem to be into the holiday much either, he simply enjoyed spending time with Aziraphale. Which I suppose is also the reason I gave Christmas another shot. 

It started with me being part of putting up decorations, I actually really enjoyed decorating the tree. 

"There! It looks gorgeous." I say, placing my last ornament.

"It is indeed." Azirphale nods.

While the two beamed at the tree, Crowley noticed the back of it being completely bare, he waved his hand and it quickly became as beautifully decorated as the front.

"Now, all we need is a star at the top. Care to do the honors?" Aziraphale asks me, handing me a gold star tree topper.

I was awed at how bright and beautiful it was, "Really?"

"Of course." He smiles.

I try to reach the top of the tree, but I can't reach it. That's when Crowley grabs me and helps me reach the top.

The days leading up to Christmas were so fun, that I found myself forgetting about my past Christmas experiences and focusing on the great time I was having now. How can you not when your days are filled with hot chocolate and cookies?

"Happy Holidays, Maggie!" I say, entering her store.

Maggie has been helping me craft my gifts for Crowley and Aziraphale. I wanted to give them something of my own since they've given me so much.

"Happy Holiday, how are you today?" She asks.

"Good. Did you get them wrapped?"

"Wrapped and ready." She slides me three wrapped presents.

"What's that one?" I point at the third gift.

"That's from me to you. Just promise me you won't open it until tomorrow."


"I promise. Thank you, Maggie." I run around the counter and give her a hug.

I pull out a badly wrapped present from my bag, "This is from me to you and Nina."

"Oh," She puts her hands over her mouth, "Thank you. You're such a sweet kid." She gives me another hug. 


"Bye, Maggie!" I wave at her before leaving the store.

I head to Nina's coffee shop next.

"Happy Holidays, Nina!" I tell her, but she's busy with customers at the moment.

Once she finally has a moment she walks over to me, "Happy Holidays, kid. Here are your movies."


She hands me the four Christmas movies.

"Thanks." I grab them and put them in my bag, "Aziraphale loved the other ones you gave us, thank you for those. Hey, I've heard about another movie, 'Love Actually', you think you can give us that one?"


"Uh, maybe when you're older, kid. Here, what about a free chocolate instead?"


"Okay!"

She makes me a hot chocolate, "Here. Now go enjoy Christmas with your dads.", she says handing me the chocolate.

"I will. Thank you!" I drink my chocolate as I walk back to the bookshop.

That night we watched all four of the movies Nina gave us while snacking on a course of popcorn, hot chocolate, and cookies. All while sitting together on the couch underneath a blanket. 

It's no wonder I fell asleep before the fourth movie ended.

Notes:

The Christmas day part of the story is being saved for next years holiday special, it will also have more Azirahale and Crowley pov. Hope you have all have a great time during these holidays however it is you spend it.

Chapter 19: Therapy

Summary:

First ever therapist is a good fit.

Notes:

Hope you enjoy.

I'm not a therapist so I apologize for any inaccuracies. I am taking inspiration from my own sessions.

Small rant at the end as to why I haven't written in so long.

With the help of Maggie and Nina, Aziraphale and Crowley made an appointment with a therapist, which is apparently something people use to help themselves mentally.
Since I'm having problems with going outside, Nina was kind enough to let me borrow her laptop for the session.

I'm a little nervous; I've never had therapy. What do I say? Is it like an interrogation? I had to give them my name, just like in an interrogation. I hate interrogations.
But I trust  Crowley and Aziraphale, and Nina and Maggie. 

So, I take a deep breath as the video call begins.

"Hello. I'm Charlie Wesley, and I'm going to be your therapist. How are you today?"


They seem very kind, with a nice sweater and fun pins.


"Uh, I'm good."

"Now I know your name and that you're having a hard time leaving your home, but how about you talk to me a little about yourself?"

"Oh, well... I don't really like my name, so I'd rather you not use it." 

They write something down.

"Is there another name you prefer to go by?"

"No... I haven't found one." I look away from the screen.

"Alright, that's fine. You know, if you want, we could always try out different names you like; that way, you could see if you like being called that name."


"Uh, I guess we could..." 

For all the time I spent thinking about this, right now, I could think of a single name.
There's a moment of silence, and I hate it.

"I see in my notes you have adopted parents. Do you get along with them?"

I think about making a joke about not knowing I was adopted, but I doubt they'd believe me for a second.
Still, the thought makes me laugh out loud a little.

"I do. I'm, uh, very grateful for all they've done for me. They're really good parents." 

Unlike the ones I used to have.
How much can I actually talk about?


"Do you spend a lot of time together with them?"


I nod. "Yeah, I get to help around in the bookshop. I really like the books. I have trouble reading, so Aziraphale has been helping with that. He's also been teaching me magic, which I really like. I always like showing Crowley what I've learned. We also used to go out, sometimes to the park, sometimes just to say hi to Maggie or Nina, or both."

"But now you don't; do you know why you're having trouble leaving your home?"

"It kinda has to do with an incident that happened not that long ago..."

"What happened?"

"I don't really want to talk about it... Sorry."


"You don't have to apologize. Everyone is ready to share at their own pace. Some can begin spouting off right off the bat, while others need time to get settled and open up. You share what you're comfortable sharing." They nod kindly.


"Well, the thing is... After that happened, I've just been so scared of going outside or even of Aziraphale and Crowley going outside. It's just, what if something bad happened?"

They write something, then look back at me.

"Do you often think about bad things that could happen?"

"No. Well, sometimes. It's just- there's so much bad in this world, and I try not to think about it. But I guess I just can't get out of my head." I shake my head.

"You know, telling yourself not to think about something ends up making your brain think about it more. The more you repress your thoughts, the harder they'll fight back to be heard. So, you have to hear these emotions; take a moment, hear them, take a breath, and let them leave you."

That's easy to say, there's too many thoughts and constant ones adding on.

"Now, it's easier said than done. But I believe you can get there one day, and I'll do my best to get you there." 

Notes:

The world is a scary place. I'm a child of illegal immigrants, living in the U.S is awful. I've been focusing on working to have money if anything ever happens. When I'm not working, I'd rather shut my brain off for the time.

This story just hit too close to home, I couldn't write anything. I may hate my parents and they're awful, but I still have love for them and I still need them. Everything has just been so hard. But I'm working my emotions through and my therapy helps.

I can't say my posting will be consistent from now on. All I can say is to everyone afraid of the world right now, my heart goes out to you, don't give up, force the world to let you be happy if you have to, fight for your happiness against those awful people.

Chapter 20: Dieary

Summary:

Diary excerpt: Things are getting better.
TW: Description of Overdose

Warning: incorrect grammar.

My therapist sed I shuld try writeing things down like in a dieary, so I guess that's what you are. What up, Dieary? 

That was stupid, sorry.

My dad has been helping me with my writeing, he's the only reson I can write in you this much. He also said this would help my writeing. So, safe to say if you're reading this, DON'T, but also don't juje.

Anyways, I've been doing good. My therapist also sugested medecine, but idk...  I used to have problems with drugs before and I don't wanna go bac to that. That was such a horible time. I still remeber the first time I amost overdosed. God, it was awful, I mean duh of course it was. It gave me such a headake. Not in the anoyed type of way, my head literaly aked like hell. Headake and this pain in this stomag that kinda feels like you want to throw up but have nothting to throw up plus a burning feeling- those are the first signs I was almost overdoseing. Then it kinda becomes hard to swalow, my hart beats fast, but then it feels like it's not beating. I want to throw up, but it's getting hard to breath. I started shakeing at one point, but I don't kno when, I just realice at one point. Hell I can't tell if I'm actualy shakeing or just imagineing it.
Whatever, that (and the time I aksidentally had withdrawls) is the reason I don't want to do drugs again even if it's not the bad kind. 

Moving on, I've been feeling safe enough to be outside with my dads. I still get this worrying feeling, I can't help being scared and looking around for someting. Nina and Maggie have been real nice. Maggie hugged me really tietly, she was proud of me for being able to go outside, even if it's just this small part. Nina just patted my back, but I could tell she was also proud. I likeed it alot, people being proud of me. Is that bad? My mama says it's a sin.

I've actualy been thinking about her alot. It's really complecated, like it's hard to put it down in words. It's the uneasy feeling in your stomag like you want to throw up but it's not cuz your sick, it's like an emotion- that's what I feel about my mama. I just keep thinking of her. Maybe I miss her. Idk.  

I have to go now, we r going to the movies. 

 

Notes:

A lil venting!
Things suck a lot right now. This summer was so much and so hard, and it's not getting easier. I haven't even able to talk to my therapist about it, can't anymore cuz this is her last week and I have my appointment after. So hopefully the next therapist is okay. My mom is sick, whom, as this fic shows, I have complicated feelings for. My mom is not as bad as the one in this fic is, I guess it's an exaggeration on all the bad things she's done. This big awful bitch I could take out my hate with no complicated feelings. But I didn't know she'd get sick before writing this. Now she is and now it's hard to write this character. Ignore this please actually, pretend I didn't even write this. The note not the story, I'm still gonna continue writing this. Just sorry for taking so long. IGNORE RANT What did y'all think of the names for the MC?