Reacting to BRUCE-MAN

by DiggaDogga

Summary:

After the Batfam has finished their investigation of the strange LGMV, Batman has decided to explore the mysterious program that seems to know too much...
The catch is: The only way to unblock the truth is to react to its influence.
What will Batman learn as the universes he watches become more and more unbelievable?
And what will the others learn about Batman?

Chapter 1: LOGIN

BM: Log me in, computer.

 

WELCOME (BRUCE-MAN) {Bruce “Brucie” Wayne, BATMAN I, THE DARK KNIGHT, THE PRINCE OF GOTHAM}

 

[NOTICE: Some designations have become Unblocked now that {LGMV} is complete!]

 

Based on Spoken preferences, you might like:

“LGDM- You wouldn’t know – By: GLaDOS”

“DC- The Animated History of Every Robin – Noah Sterling”

"Joker meets the Robins"

“A Possessive Problem”

 

You may also like:

Please stop (Getting Abducted on my Behalf). People are (blind).

Please stop (Writing that stuff). People are (thinking I’m dating myself).

Please stop (Calling me a Mob Boss). People are (calling me ‘your highness’).

Please stop (Being Introverts). People are (Wondering if I Made You up).

 

NW: B, what are you doing?

BM: I would like to investigate the origins of the program, and to do that, I’m going to need to ask questions.

RR: what questions should we ask?

BM: I’ll start by asking straight-up. Computer, who is your creator?

 

CLASSIFIED.

THE IDENTITIES OF MY CREATORS ARE TO BE SECRET UNLESS THEY WISH TO REVEAL THEMSELVES AT A LATER DATE.

 

BM: it could never be that easy, huh. What are the intentions of your programming?

ANALYZING THE DATABASE OF DIMENIONS TO RELEASE TO PERSONS OF INTEREST THROUGHOUT THE MULTIVERSE.

BM: how many files have gone through your database?

 

TECHNICALLY, ABOUT 13 MILLION WORKS HAVE BEEN DOCUMENTED IN ACHIVING, BUT THERE ARE OTHER PLATFORMS THAT ALSO COUNT TOWARDS THE DATABASE OF DIMENSIONS.

YOUR GENERAL AREA OF THE MULTIVERSE HOSTS OVER 35O THOUSAND DOCUMENTED WORKS.

 

RH: that’s… wow. That’s a lot.

BM: will we be obligated to see all of this?

 

OF COURSE NOT, I AM PROGRAMED TO FILTER THROUGH SUCH SYSTEMS AND FIND PERSONALIZED UNIVERSES FOR MY CREATORS TO ANALYZE BEFORE SENDING THEM TO MY MAIN CHANNELS.

 

Red Robin muttered something about censorship.

BM: why were we blocked from anything other than LGMV?

 

[LGMV] WAS YOUR TEST, AND IT IS NOW PASSED.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

 

BM: what do the designations stand for?

 

[LGMV] STANDS FOR LEGO MOVIE, AS THE INITIAL RECORDING NICKNAMED IT AS SUCH FOR THE PLASTIC-LIKE BIOLOGICAL NATURE OF THE INHABITANTS. [LGBM] AND [LGDM] ARE SIMILAR.

BM: there was a song recommended in LGDM on my login screen. Might I begin my investigation of the multiverse through that?

 

OF COURSE.

NOW SHOWING…

“LGDM - You wouldn’t know – By: GLaDOS”

Chapter 2: LGDM- You wouldn’t know

Summary:

Last time:
BM: there was a song recommended in LGDM on my login screen. Might I begin my investigation of the multiverse through that?

OF COURSE.
NOW SHOWING…
“LGDM- You wouldn’t know – By: GLaDOS”

NOW SHOWING…

“LGDM - You wouldn’t know – By: GLaDOS”

GLaDOS is looking at a screen, humming robotically.

NW: okay… that’s a robot.

RR: why would this be recommended to B? it’s nothing like anything we’ve seen before.

RH: Okay, so the walls are paneled, and a robot is hanging from the ceiling. Said robot is humming and acting like it’s sentient. How does this relate to B?

The bottom of the screen now has a band of yellow. In black text, the system responds.

Sys: Cake.

BM: just… cake?

Sys: Yes.

RR: well, that was informative.

The camera zooms into the device which depicts chell holding her portal gun, then switches to fully being inside the screen. GLaDOS’ robotic voice sings over the appearing words

 

REPORT BLB-1911/03.10-SJB:

RE: Test Subject #1

Funny story

I forgot how much of a

Big fat mess

you are

I’ve been busy doing science

It’s been tons of fun so far

RR: So, the robot is a scientist, and they are sending out an E-mail report to a test subject, presumably the one in the blurry image.

R: the robot seems to be quite degrading to its test subject.

Everything clean

Nothing on fire

All by myself

…finally…

RH: I’m kind of creeped out about the singing stuff. The voice box is quite emotive.

BM: that would make this the system that communicates to the subjects, giving them a sense of calm.

NW: if only our scientists calmed down their test subjects instead of fear gassing them more.

RH: tough luck? Not like we can change it or anything.

Things change

When they don’t replace your core

It feels

So < < strange > >

Not to hate you anymore

But you wouldn’t know

Would you?

BM: Hnn…

R: What is it, Father?

BM: The robot hates the subject but does not at the time of the report. The subject’s feelings towards the robot were mutual when they parted.

R: you inquire if you changed the “core” post-separation.

RH: he probably did. I don’t need to know what a core is to see that.

1 Tsp vanilla extract

2/3 cup cocoa powder

1 1/4 tsp baking soda

1 tsp salt

1/4 tsp baking powder

1 to 2 16oz cans vanilla frosting

1 20-ft thick impermeable clay layer

NW: This is a cake recipe. What is this cake recipe doing here?

RR: I’m more worried about the ingredients.

RH: what do you mean? It’s pretty- A 20ft LAYER OF IMPERMEABLE CLAY? What kind of cake is this???

NW: is the cake a test?

RH: THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!

RR: yeah. The cake is a lie. Or something.

BM: the computer said it related to me because of cake. This must be the cake’s recipe.

I was saying this to Batman

Oh

He was here the other day

Maybe you know him

He’s a big deal

But I don’t think of him that way

He’s just a friend

Someone I trust

Someone who won’t kill me

RH: I mean…

RR: B doesn’t do friends like that.

RH: I was going to say the whole “won’t kill me” thing is pretty accurate.

BM: the other test subject has attempted to destroy this robot.

RR: also – Batman’s been mentioned! Now to figure out the reason behind his visit to the robot’s creator’s lab.

Sys: Batman entered. They did stuff. He left with the sought-after cake.

NW: oh.

I’m fine

Just in case you think I’m not

I am

This time

I’m better with the friends I’ve got

But you wouldn’t know

Would you?

RH: Passive aggression is strong with this robot.

NW: where’s the aggression?

RH: the robot just insinuated the subject doesn’t have any friends.

RR: oh. That’s some clever wording. “I have friends now, but you probably wouldn’t know what that’s like”, which… ouch, first off. But second, why is this robot so passively hostile?

I don’t mean for this to sting

I forgive you everything

[REDACTED]

I can guess the reasons why

You are never coming by

For me… …. …. ….

…. …. …. ….

…. …. …. ….

…. …. …. ….

R: …why is there so many ellipses in an e-mail? I get the singing context of a withheld note, but in writing? Is it truly necessary?

RR: “you monster”? Why would that be a redacted statement? Is it because the statement is not objective?

I should go

There’s something happening

That will make you wish

You’d stayed

There’s a party with a

> R E A L   C A K E <

Yes it’s real

A cake I made

BM: I have a feeling the subject and the other me got fake cakes

RH: or the fake cakes were cardboard and the “real cake” has impermeable clay covering it.

BM: that too.

Talking and fun

Testing and fun

All of this fun

Without you

RR: I wonder what kinds of testing this robot does.

BM: I was wondering that too. Computer?

Sys: Aperture Science designs and tests a multitude of products, but the highlights are as follows: Moon rock-based paint, Repulsion gel, Propulsion Gel, handheld portal devices,  singing sentry turrets, deadly neurotoxin, shock absorption boots, companion cubes, and the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System, also known as GLaDOS.

RH: GLaDOS has a human consciousness? Who were they?

Sys: Caroline, assistant to CEO and Founder of Aperture Science, Cave Johnson.

RR: wait, What the Hell is this list? Sentry Turrets, Neurotoxin, Portal Guns…

RH: Wait, yeah. What the Fuck? Why can Sentry turrets sing? What purpose does it serve? What do they sing?

Sys: the local Aperture turrets do opera. One of my creators say their rendition of Cara Mia Addio was quite touching to hear.

BM: your creators enjoy Italian Opera?

Sys: the archive is quite varied, and there haven’t really been any preferences for specific styles just yet.

BM: Hn.

Too bad

You let it get so out of hand

How much we had

Finally I understand

But you wouldn’t know

Would you?

You wouldn’t know

Would you?

RH: that was nice… other than the whole “today, this robot is testing humans on the effect of DEADLY NEUROTOXIN”

R: I found it quite informative.

GLaDOS closes the screen, humming to herself more.

A portal opens behind her, and the immorality core is thrown through.

Batman’s grapple retracts back into the closing portal as GLaDOS turns around.

GLaDOS looks the core up and down, then rubs against it like a cat, letting out a low drone reminiscent of a purr.

The yellow band at the bottom of the screen extends to cover the full screen.

…

BM: is that the portal device?

Sys: No. that is an [LGDM] Portal, not a [PT-Devices: Aperture Science Standardized Portal Gun] Portal.

NW: is that a core?

Sys: Yes. That is the Immorality core that Batman removed to ensure GLaDOS’ assistance in a battle.

R: the mechanical noises GLaDOS is making resembles a purr. It is disturbing.

RH: well, it’s a Death Robot. Anything they do is disturbing. Like making a perfectly good cake and covering it in clay.

Sys: the [Aperture Science Party Cake] is a Sought-after relic for dimensional beings and sentient robots alike. It’s a Foundation Element, and it would be an honor for me to present it to my creators.

BM: are you trying to ask us to retrieve it? If so, I’m preemptively refusing on the behalf of all heroes on this earth.

Sys: Not at all. My creators are clear that the Foundation Elements stay in LGDM, lest another Tri incident occurs again. LGDM’s [LGBM Robin], Tim Drake, is already Psychologically harmed from the event.

RR: what happened to me?

Sys: body alterations followed by a fight between Batman and the altered Robin, who called themself “the Tri” when asked in the amalgamate form. There were orders for the Tri to destroy the fabric of reality, and it almost worked.

BM: What kind of alterations?

Sys: The Chest and Right thigh were the only pieces of the Tri recognizable as Tim’s.

RR, pale more than the usual amount: oh god…

BM: why was he involved?

Sys: Robin was kidnapped by Lord Vorton due to the Foundation Element he was holding during a high-speed chase. Later, the Joker, the Riddler, Luthor, and Two face worked under Vorton to prevent you from locating the foundation elements to find the foundation temple to save robin. You arrived, and got caught, your rouges gave Vorton the elements you collected, and Robin became the amalgamate known as the Tri through the elemental plate’s manipulation. After the Tri was Subdued, Vorton was then lured to and trapped in a stable Vortex Loop. This reversed the effects of the alterations and robin returned to normal.

NW: … what was the psychological harm?

Sys: imagine you are stuck in an empty cage for an undetermined amount of time while enemies old and new are five feet in front of you talking about how your father figure is going to be brutally demolished while casually cleaning weapons. It’s also heavily windy as structures the size of skyscrapers move around you in unpredictable patterns. The ground around your prison is also quicksand that moves in waves three to twelve times your height. Now imagine your body being forcefully combined with two other unwilling participants as the ones you were closest to could do nothing but watch. Said unwilling participants being your cell neighbors that you have befriended over your time in captivity. All parties involved were conscious throughout the experience as three separate entities.

RR: please stop talking.

BM: Who were the other participants?

Sys: Metalbeard and a hobbit.

RH: what, like lord of the rings? Is he Frodo, Bilbo, Mary, Pippin, or Sam?

Sys: Frodo.

RH: hot dang. I was being sarcastic…

RR: I mean it. stop talking. We’re continuing. Play something else before I throw up at the imagery of my body being combined with Metalbeard and Frodo from lord of the rings to turn into an amalgamate.

BM: yes, let’s just do something from the preferences. Computer, play something your creators found humorous.

Sys: of course.

NOW PLAYING…

“DC- Skit: Meet the Robins (Joker) – The Panda Redd”

Chapter 3: DC- Skit: Meet the Robins (Joker) – The Panda Redd

Summary:

Previously:

BM: yes, let’s just do something from the preferences. Computer, play something your creators found humorous.
Sys: of course.
NOW PLAYING…
“DC- Skit: Meet the Robins (Joker) – The Panda Redd”

NOW PLAYING…

“DC- Skit: Meet the Robins (Joker) – The Panda Redd”

RH: Why is this funny? Nobody here likes the joker

Sys: My main creators find the content of those like The Panda Redd amusing.

BM: And what kind of content is that?

Sys: you’ll see.

---

 

The Joker is seen going over some papers.

Joker: so, the bomb should go here and here

Suddenly, Batman swoops down menacingly.

Batman: it’s over Joker. You’ve lost.

Joker: hehehehehe oh, good, batman you finally arr- what the fuck is that?

Robin One: we’re here to take you to jail!

Batman: What?

Joker: Dude what the fuck is wrong with you? You brought a kid to this!?

Robin One: I’m not a kid, I’m Robin!

Batman: honestly, I don’t see the issue.

Joker: nah man, fuck this, I’m not hit-

Robin One then kicks Joker and the screen suddenly cuts out.

Red hood burst out laughing and some of the other bats follow suit.

RH: I see why this is funny

NW: That didn’t happen, but it was basically that.

R: I assume this file is a compilation of all variations of robin encountering the joker, by order in which they appear.

BM: it’s likely.

 

---

 

The scene changes to the Joker talking to a goon.

Joker: what do you mean Harvey won’t do it?

Goon: *offscreen muttering*

Joker: well, fuck him, tell him if he fucks around, I’m going to turn him into one face.

Suddenly, Batman swoops down menacingly.

Batman: it’s over Joker. You’ve-

Joker: yeah, yeah, I know, I’ve lo- That’s a different kid. Did you get a different fucking kid?

Robin Two: damn straight, and I’ll straight-up kick your ass.

Joker: I’ll end you. I won’t even make it look like an accident. I swear to God I’ll fuc-

Joker: *gets punched in the nuts by Robin Two* ooh! Right in the joker fish. Fu-

the screen suddenly cuts out.

The group begins sending wary glances towards the Previously Deceased Robin now known as the Red Hood, just in case he gets a flash of Pit Rage. He doesn’t.

NW: I don’t know if I should laugh or cry.

RH: yeah, I feel that.

NW: well, you did get killed by the guy…

RH: The clown was not that blatant about it until the actual incident. B would have never left me alone in that warehouse with my bio mom otherwise.

BM: what did your mother have to do with your death?

RH: did I not tell you she was the one to sell me out to the clown in the first place? She was smoking in the corner while I was being beat up with a crowbar!

RR: How has that never come up before? You were buried together and everything.

Batman: I assumed, from her words about Jason saving her, that she was a casualty in the wrong place at the wrong time.

RH: Eh, Past is past now.

R: how… un-Todd-like of you…

RR: yeah. It’s not like he holds grudges or anything.

RH: I don’t hold grudges.

RR: cough. titans tower. Cough.

RH: you suck at fake coughing. You just said cough out loud

 

---

 

The scene changes to Joker talking to a goon.

Joker: the fuck you mean gabby wants benefits?

Suddenly, Batman swoops down menacingly.

Batman: it’s over Jo-

Joker, cutting batman off: -oker, you’ve lost, I kno-

Joker: where do you keep finding orphans?

Robin Three: I’m… I’m not an orphan.

Joker: I can fix that.

Robin Three then whaps joker across the forehead with a stick and the screen suddenly cuts out.

RR: Joker never had the chance to harm my bio parents before they kicked the bucket, but I guess the sentiment was there.

R: Never mind that Drake, I am Next!

 

---

 

The scene changes to Joker talking to a goon on the phone.

Joker: oh, yeah, I want it written across my forehead in cursive

Suddenly, Batman swoops down menacingly.

Batman: it’s over Jo-

Joker, without looking, shoots a gun in Batman’s general direction. The screen cuts to Stephanie brown (as Robin Four) falling over.

Robin Four: bleh

Batman: oh god Stephanie!

the screen suddenly cuts out.

R: Wait, What?

RH: Well, that’s another dead robin. Care to explain, Batman?

BM: I Never…

RR: Jason, Steph isn’t dead. She was here this morning, making those purple waffles and screaming at the top of her lungs.

R: Computer, Explain!

Sys: In an alternate timeline, Tim Drake had a… Civilian issue. Stephanie Brown, his girlfriend, became the Fourth Robin for about two weeks before starting a Contingency gang war as Minnie Malone, Matches Malone’s Niece, without Batman’s knowledge.

BM: I assume it failed due to Me, as Matches, not getting involved?

Sys: Correct. Stephanie Brown’s Robin was caught spying on some crime bosses and was shot dead by the Black Mask. Multiverse shenanigans happen and she was instead secretly healed by Dr. Thompkins. When fully healed, Stephanie became batgirl number two. More multiverse shenanigans happen, and Girl Robin never existed, but my creators still consider her a robin.

BM: However, in this clip, the joker killed her.

Sys: In this skit, the main focus is to introduce the robins, then the event that evolved their robin into something else. Grayson insisting he isn’t a kid is what made him create Nightwing, Joker murdering Todd is what made him Red hood,  Drake losing his family is what made him take Red Robin, and so on.

RH: So, it’s educational. Why is this labelled as funny?

No response.

 

---

 

The scene changes to Joker just standing there.

Robin V: I have a sword now.

Joker, doing a double take: you have a WHAT!?

the screen suddenly cuts out.

RH: oh. Yeah, that… that is actually kind of funny.

R: as expected from the superior-

NW: Ahem.

R: …what is next? I am the last robin.

Sys: Not quite. The creators have included an honorable mention of a running joke of sorts.

BM: play the clip. It’s probably Barbara or something.

 

---

 

The scene immediately changes to Batman swooping down menacingly.

Batman: it’s over Joker. You’ve lost.

Joker, turning around: ha-ha, that’s what you think Batman, but- holy fuck.

Shazam with a cheap robin costume over his normal hero suit: Yo.

At that moment, Batman began setting the record for the world’s longest disappointed dad sigh.

RH: I think this is worse, somehow.

NW: Is that the “immortally” old Demigod from Fawcett… in a Robin suit?

RR: actually, the Batfiles™ say he’s… a “twelve-year” old demigod from Fawcett… in a robin suit. William Josep-WAIT is that his ACTUAL NAME?

R: what is it?

RR: His full legal name is William Joseph … Batson.

R: no… I Refuse!

RR: He goes by Billy, if that makes you feel better.

NW:  It really doesn’t.

R: I will not have my title revoked by someone named BATSON.

RH: Adoption bait at his finest.

R: It is an insult to my honor!

Batman finally finished sighing, feeling morally crushed and spiritually abandoned.

Batman: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that last part, Joker. What was that?

Joker: …

Joker: what the fuck did you feed this one, the other four?!

“Robin”: I’m, uh… I’m new.

Joker: New to fucking what? Steroids?

RH: oh, this is hilarious.

NW: look how confused the guy is!

Batman: oh, I’m sorry. I don’t really see what the big problem is.

Joker: “the problem was”, you black leather bastard, is that you brought fucking superman in a robin outfit and expect me to act like that’s just fucking cool

Batman: I don’t see how this is any different than before.

RR: Well, this adopted Robin wasn’t locally sourced.

RH: good one, replacement.

Joker: okay. Okay, yeah, okay. yeah *shoots “robin” *

“Robin”, watching the bullet bounce off his face: heh tickles.

Batman: the fuck dude?

Joker: you see, if I can’t fucking traumatize him, it’s not fair game.

Batman: that is not a rule

Joker: that is fucking completely a rule

“Robin”: uh M-Mr. Batman, I don’t want to be traumatized.

Batman: don’t worry, man. You’re fine.

Joker: this is such fucking bullshit.

Batman: and I’m tired of this. Robin, get him.

“Robin”, approaching Joker: sorry Mr. Joker. This might sting a little.

Joker: what might stin-*gets electrocuted* fhvjbskvujih

 

RR: Batman, take notes. This one’s bulletproof, has electric tolerance, and has a built-in taser. The true anti-Joker.

RH: how great it must be to not be shot.

BM: Tim. Jason. I am not in the right mentality to deal with you two right now. Can we postpone the aggressive commentary until after we figure out who thought it was a good idea to give us a system with access to the documented history of the multiverse itself with seemingly no strings attached?

RR: I’ll try.

RH: Yeah… no promises. However, on the subject of our multiversal benefactor, I would like to ask the computer program some of my own questions.

Sys: Time is of no issue, but it seems my creators have set a limit to how many non-universe related questions can be asked in ratio to what you have reacted to.

BM: What could we do in order to ask questions?

Sys: react to what my creators recommend you see, similar to [LGMV], but more individualized to the user.

BM: Well then. Show me something unrelated to my family.

Sys: my creators love the initiative, but no. The next required category for you to ask more questions is…

 

To Be Continued...

Chapter 4: Wham: Green Lantern - ending skit by The Panda Redd

Summary:

Previously:
BM: Well then. Show me something unrelated to my family.
Sys: my creators love the initiative, but no. The next required category for you to ask more questions is…
To be continued!

The Contingency Files: Weaknesses Across the Multiverse

Sys: it’s shortened down to TCF:WAM, which then just got shorthanded into [Wham].

BM: What do these files entail?

Sys: like your contingency files, there will be a brief description of the person you are set to fight, then their weaknesses and how to exploit it. This ends with a clip of a scenario in which you use said plan.

BM: give me an example of the format before introducing new people.

RR: I’ll take notes again.

 

Now showing…

[Wham: Green Lantern - ending skit by The Panda Redd]

Hal Jordan is one of Earth's Green Lanterns. A former military test pilot, he is now the protector of Sector 2814. He is also a founding member of the Justice League. Hal had been kicked out of the military for assaulting an officer, and was reduced to an engineer giving planes tune-ups. He was abducted by a dying alien, Abin Sur. Sur wanted Hal to replace him in the Green Lantern Corps, an intergalactic police force that had safeguarded the universe for billions of years. Hal has a unique link to the Green Lantern Ring he forged himself, allowing him to connect to it regardless of obstacles. The ring allows the user to create constructs of energy through their will power. Along with that, Hal's connection to the Green Light of Will is so great that he can transform into a construct, allowing him to channel greater amounts of power at the risk of dissipating into energy himself.

BM: why would a system of archives for the multiverse know so much about one person? What would be the point if every universe you go to has different variables? Is it threat assessment?

RR: *frantically writing everything down to compare to the Batfiles™ later*

While Speed Force energy can disrupt his ring functions, the most common weakness to be found in the Green Lantern Ring is the color yellow due to its association with fear. As expected, belief in the connotation causes the trait, similar to the first green lantern’s weakness to wood due to unfortunate timing and a splinter.

To defeat him, coat any weapon in yellow and have at him. Alternatively, fear toxin may make way for a synthetic weakness

[Creators’ note: Justice soul bullets work frighteningly well, even in its peashooter form. The Fear soul abilities do not seem to cause harm, even though it has similar traits to that of the yellow lanterns, besides the color.]

BM: what’s the “creators’ note?”

Sys: my creators edit files and add details to them, just like any other creator. This one was done by-

NW: you cut out there. What were you saying.

Sys: files are edited to add more information and context?

BM: he meant the name.

Sys: What name?

BM: the name of the creator who made this?

Sys: what did the creator make?

BM: the contingency plan edits.

Sys: right! Thank you for reminding me! We were just getting to the skit edited to attach to this file!

BM: no-and it’s playing.

Batman:

GL:

Batman, in a yellow batsuit, standing in a neon yellow room: what?

GL: is this a fucking joke?

RH: yes.

NW: absolutely.

RR: mayhaps.

R: affirmative.

Batman: look, I just want to be able to have a civilized, equal conversation with you.

GL: do you coat the fucking room in kryptonite every time you want to talk to superman?

Batman: not to his knowledge, no.

GL: I- Wait What?

BM: No, I don’t do that. It’d just give me radiation poisoning, and therefore the disadvantage.

RH: it’s also expensive.

BM: that’s not even a secondary issue, but yes, I guess so.

RR: You know, for an alien rock, it sure is everywhere.

Batman: It doesn’t matter. You’re overreacting.

GL: I’m overreacting?! What if I line the walls with dead parents every time I want to talk to you?

Batman: well, I’d probably ask you how you got all those dead parents and where all their kids are for… research purposes…

GL: you are unbelievable

RR: goddamn it Bruce, not again.

Batman, looking at his yellow mug: oh, shit I’m empty. ROBIN!

Robin, also fully yellow and holding a yellow pitcher: right here batman.

NW: I’m in this too?!

RR: I wonder why his legs are painted. He could have pulled a Jason and wore bright yellow pants under the original costume.

RH: Can we not talk about titans’ tower right now? We’re making fun of Bruce here, not me.

Batman: goddamn you are quiet. Fill me up, will you?

Robin: Sup jolly green? How are you doing this week?

GL: Did you Paint the kid’s naked legs yellow?

Robin: I painted my own naked legs yellow, thank you very much, and I also made the fucking lemonade, you dick.

RH: ha-ha name pun.

NW: shut.

RH: no. :D

RR: how did you do that? I could hear the emoji, but you never changed your expression.

RH: it’s a secret! ;P

RR: I have never felt so uncomfortable being winked at before.

GL: You’re even drinking LEMONADE??!!

Batman: I mean, you can never be too careful.

GL: alright, that’s it! gimmie that!

Robin: THROW PUNCH

GL: wait what-hng!

Batman: son of a bitch now I gotta save him! Nice going!

Robin: can’t talk no shit when you can’t breathe!

R: I live by that statement.

RR: It’s very inspirational.

RH: and I’m the angry robin somehow. I liked LITERATURE!

RR: you also allegedly pushed a guy off a building.

RH: I didn’t do it!

RR: I know. I stalked you, remember?

Sys: Speaking of stalking, would you like to see more contingency files?

BM: fine. Who edited the files?

Sys: what files? There are a lot of edits.

BM: this one.

Sys: we’re not on any files right now. I’ll start the next one!

R: aaaaAAAAAAAAGH!!!! STOP ACTING DUMB!!!!

Sys: How can I act? I’m a computer program.

R: *openly screeching*

Sys: and as such, I will continue this playlist!

Now showing…

[Wham: Phantom]

 BM: Who?

Notes:

I kept thinking of that Bo Burnham song about microwave popcorn when I was writing and I couldn't stop laughing.

Batman this chapter: I put the packet on the glass.
System: what glass?
Batman: the little glass dish in the microwave.
System: got it.
Batman: I close the door.
System: which door?
Batman: the door to the microwave. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 2 of The Batfam Reacts to Stuff