Chapter Text
"Let me teach you, let me show you."
Our kisses had become so much more than anything we had ever known while in the midst of the games. The beach, of course had been an intense moment, but how self aware couldn't those kisses have truly been when we had eminent death upon us? But now I know there is so much to learn. I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe we are here.....
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I truly did not believe that our current relationship was even a remote possibility when the war ended. For one, I thought I would be dead. If not by the means of another, then at least by my own hand. Peeta had not let that happen though. I replayed that moment in my mind over and over again. Why, when he has been through so much because of me, would he want to save me? Didn't he want me dead on some level too? For a while I thought maybe him taking away my chance at peace was his sick way of torturing me. That he laughed at the thought of me having to live out my existence. Time has changed my stance on that though. I remember his face as he knocked the nightlock pill to the ground. My fury ridden eyes met his, and all I saw looking back at me was unadulterated heartache. His face ridden with sadness. He wanted me to live.
When he came back to twelve, I walked on edge for weeks. I had both the fear of his hijacking, and the overwhelming desire to be in his arms on my mind at all times. I hated myself. I hated the confusion I felt. Every time I let myself have warm feelings about Peeta, I became self destructive. I'd look in the mirror and remind myself over and over again how damaged I was. I surely, didn't deserve to be happy if Prim was cold in the ground. I absolutely didn't deserve to feel any sort of hope when all I bring to the table is death and destruction. I'd retreat to the woods, and wouldn't return for days much to the chagrin of my drunken mentor. No, I thought to myself, I deserve to live alone, feel alone, and then finally, die alone.
Not everyone would help me accomplish this plan though. Peeta, no matter how distant I became, or if I descended into panic and despair, he never stopped coming back to me- to wake me from a nightmare, or make sure I had eaten that day. I shouted at him, to my shame, that he had to let me go. He had to let me go. I couldn't bare the thought of him feeling that he had to watch over this deeply damaged girl. He deserved to be happy, I so desperately wanted him to be happy. No one had endured what Peeta endured during this war. No one had to fight as hard as Peeta did to come back from the hell we had all lived the past few years.
I found myself staring at him through his windows at night, in total wonder that he could even function. Did he know how strong he was? That it was a miracle for him to have survived what he had survived, and still carry hope on his heart for a better future? I sighed to myself one evening, as I watched him in his kitchen; I wished every day that I could be the girl that he had built me up to be over all of this time. I just couldn't be.
Peeta, Haymitch, and I were having dinner together one night when it happened. Somehow, and to this day I still don't know how, but one of Haymitch's geese had gotten into the house. I just sat there with my mouth hanging open, as I watched my wasted mentor chase this big bird around his living room crashing into every piece of furniture he owned cursing like a madman. He cornered the goose and it pecked at him.... Right in between his legs.
Haymitch went down, "Fucking good for fucking nothing fucking goose, FUCK" he shouted.
I looked over at Peeta and we lost it. I put my head down on the table as tears streamed down my face from laughing harder than I ever have in my entire life. Peeta could barely catch his breath, his face beet red, as he hollered at our dear friends predicament. Haymitch wrangled the bird and tossed him back outside, sneering and cussing the whole time.
"Ughhh, oh my god Haymitch," Peeta chuckled, "That was the best thing I've ever seen."
"Glad I could be of some amusement to you two assholes." Mumbled Haymitch. "I'm suddenly not in the mood for your pleasant company," he growled as he poured himself another drink, "Lets call it a night, and maybe I'll be able to stomach seeing you both in a week or two."
Peeta and I gathered our things to head out. Our houses weren't too far away, but it was freezing and snowing, so it took us a while to get all of our things on.
"By all means don't rush!" Our host cries.
I sent a nasty look to the old man, but couldn't stop the smile that came to replace it, when I think back on the goose. Haymitch sneered, hating being the cause of anyone's laughter, "Alright, your welcomes been officially worn out, get out!"
The door slams behind us as we walk into the cold night, and I stare at the snowflakes that fly around the one streetlight in Victors Village.
"Ya know," Peeta starts, "I think I feel worse for the goose. Having Haymitch corner you with that face sneering at you must be horrifying"
I lose control over myself again and cave into a case of the giggles. I will ALWAYS remember that image. Peeta is in hysterics again as well, but when I look at him and see the light dancing in his eyes that are full of warmth, and the smile plastered on his beautifully contoured face, an entirely different emotion takes over me. I think of how I want to see him like this all the time, how he deserves to feel like this all the time. I think about how handsome and strong he looks, and how much I had missed the sound of his laughter. I'm overcome with sadness that his life has been so cruel, that he spends more time fighting off nightmares than he does laughing the way he is now. Tears spring to me eyes....
Peeta, who will forever, it seems, care more about my feelings than his own, stops and looks at me in concern. I'm sure the next expression on his face is shock, but I can't see it because I've buried my head into his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist. He is so warm, and it feels so good. He holds his arms out to the side, unsure of what to do with the first embrace we have shared since we have both been home, then slowly, cautiously, wraps his arms around my shoulders. After a few moments go by and he knows I'm not going to run away from the intimate moment, he rests his cheek against the top of my head, sighs heavily, and I feel his entire body relax into mine. I've missed him, more than I wanted to realize.