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Sand wished badly that he could go back in time, fix the wrong he had done, piece back together the fragments of a relationship broken too quickly, his heart shattered into a thousand pieces. Erase the pain he had caused him , but above all treat him differently, gently infuse him with all the tenderness he wanted to bring him, fill his cracks with a magnificent gilding of love, make their relationship unique in his eyes, under the form of a kintsukuroi .
The rage that had inhabited him was not legitimate, Ray had clearly indicated that he was not in a state to love someone else, and yet Sand had believed he could defy the impossible and change him in the blink of an eye, from a situation that lasted several years. He was not a better human because he knew how to manage his feelings, on the contrary he was pathetic to have thought he was superior, but also so repugnant by his pretension.
What he had done to him that night still haunts him today. The horrific vision of Ray on the ground, head down, sullied, and inevitably hurted, made Sand's stomach knot and his throat tighten, making it difficult to swallow. They’d never spoken to each other again; it was hard but necessary because Sand could never look him in the eye again, shame covering him in its uncomfortable embrace.
A glass in one hand, a cigarette in the other, with which he didn't even intoxicate himself with its smoke, it just burned out and disappeared into the cool night air. He silently lamented a past that will never change; he had since been afraid to speak aloud about his horrible action, afraid that someone might finally say what he kept pushing deep down inside... You are a depeciable person.
He had learned from Nick some time later that Ray had gone abroad after a violent altercation with his father concerning his drug and alcohol addiction, but after that, there was no more news... He had vanished, as much as its own cigaret now.. Was he still even alive?
His heart painfully tightened at the thought of a world without Ray... A ray of sunshine smothered by dark clouds. Oh, how much he had fought to be the storm that would clear his vision of all that darkness, but all he ended up causing were countless irreparable damages... A storm does not sweep through but destroys.
Sand felt a familiar tingling form in the corners of his eyes, before seeing the nighttime landscape in front of him as if drowned in multiple lanterns of light, a beautifully illuminated city, contrasting with the darkness in his heart.
“You wished you
never
met me at all…. Uh, sounds bitter..”
A tear rolled down his cheek before crashing onto the cold concrete beneath which he was slumped, his mind running a marathon of thoughts, regrets and hopes for something he wasn't even aware of.
"I wish I could go back to that night... Taking care of you, and not letting go of your hand in the moments you needed me most.... Ray... I'm sorry. I.."
A sob painfully tightened his throat, making it difficult to even swallow his saliva. He'd never been the same after that night , and he never would be.
Through his pain, a gentle warmth made him lift his head, it was the middle of the night in the middle of winter, it was impossible to feel such a warmth outside, not when his breath formed mist and his cracked lips yielded to the cold. A bright light caught him unawares, causing him to drop his glass and cigarette with a crash. He mechanically positioned his hands in front of his eyes and tried to comprehend the situation, but all he could do was groan at the sudden oppressive sensation on his head, that of being caught in a death grip, of not being able to reduce the pressure even by screaming for it to stop.
- Changing the past... Such a selfish human desire... No one has the opportunity, no one should have the opportunity, for the balance of the world... Every change has a consequence. Are you ready to take full responsibility? -
If regret were to have a taste, then it would be that of bitterness, and Sand had never been able to cure that lingering taste on his palate. It didn't matter if he went mad, if the alcohol began to destroy his brain, at that very moment a single word passed the barrier of his lips.
"Yes..."
His body was immediately sucked into what was so solid under his feet, the air left his lungs, taking him dangerously close to unconsciousness, then his ears buzzed under those last words, an echo of his own voice.
- There are no second chances, the past protects from indecision, the present guides the future, the future is built by the actions of the past and present. Only humans constantly lament what cannot be replaced. You mustn't feel guilty, because the guilty mind is full of scorpions and I wouldn't wish their sting on anyone, never waste your time on guilt or shame, because their alchemy is a terrible cross to bear for an ephemeral being, when you doubt a reality, stare at your "lamp"... -
A white noise dizzying his senses, an intense light... Then finally, Blackout .
*********
Ray leaned against Sand's body, one leg on him, possessively monopolizing his long sublime legs. His soft cock pressed against his sweaty skin. He lazily caresses Sand's torso, his gaze fascinated by the man deeply asleep.
Sand sat up abruptly as if electrified by his touch, his eyes bulging out so painfully and his heart racing beneath his ribcage. His breathing was heavy and his mind clouded, as if he'd just been dreaming for a very long time before suddenly coming back to reality, forgetting the most important part.The only thing still perceptible was the sensation of having been troubled by a light under the weight of deep regret.
Something unreal when everything seemed real .
His head ached terribly. What had he just experienced? Where had he been?
"Sand? Are you all right? You're pale and soaked in sweat."
His attention turned to the little body pressed against his, how could he have forgotten where he was? He was with the one who made his whole world colorful and exciting, but also painful, a devastating contrast.
"I... Sorry I must have dozed off too long... I'm fine..."
Ray kept his expression torn between concern and curiosity.
"Is there anything I can do to help you wake up? You seem to have forgotten who was at your side, don't you?"
Ray slid his hand to his partner's erogenous zone, tapping his skin with his fingertips with amusement, toying with the goosebumps that formed beneath his touch. Sand was speechless as he stared at that hand abusing his body, far too much a slave to its owner.
"Have I indeed... Forgotten you?" Why did that word seem to resonate once uttered?
A shiver ran through him before he finished his sentence with a playful smile.
"I'm all yours, what do you wish for compensation my small rich master?"
Ray's long fingers wrapped around his resting dick and began to jerk him off.
"I want to wake up my friend further down, he owes me a whole night of madness"
Sand laughed and pulled Ray into a passionate kiss, taking all the oxygen out of his lungs in a few expertly seconds spent.
"Your wish is my command, master"
A small spark of satisfaction shone in Ray's already dilated pupils, his hand still active, he whispered in his ear with a hint of defiance.
"You threatened to piss on me the first time we met, right? Remember ?"
He remembered , how could he not remember everything about Ray after all?
"Hm.. I do remember, you were a wasted punk who bothered my need to piss after a long shift-...”
Wait… What is this sensation of déja vu crawling under his skin?
Ray didn’t let go, and put more heart into it. “What if I want it?”
Sand tensed slightly, his mind alert to something he shouldn't do, something dangerous he'd never forget, an imminent danger an alert beast would feel without any warning.
A knot formed in Sand's throat. He could feel the insecurity building in Ray's mind by his tense body and decided to answer quickly. He would let himself be carried away by the mood if only it would make Ray happy. Being a people pleaser, putting other people's desires before his own wasn't difficu- NO wait, it’s difficult, he is not feeling safe with the idea, he do want to please Ray but not to let himself change for someone he is not. What if he desispite what he will become? Why is head hurt this much at the idea of any remorse lingering.
"I... I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable with this idea.... I'm not judging or anything, but I don't feel like consenting to this kink... Are you mad at me?"
A heavy silence, were cut off after a few long minutes by a sigh.
"Why should I be mad at you? You have the right to refuse what doesn't make you comfortable, you know I feel good with you, it's like finally being myself... In a way. So don't feel you have to wear a mask with me, I need sincerity ok?"
His words surprised Sand; he'd gone out of his way to please Ray, letting him drag him into compromising situations he thought were sexy and part of the game, but deep down did he really enjoy it? Or was it just to please Ray? He also instinctively buried his jealousy, expressing it with gestures but not with words that might drive Ray away. It was like constantly swallowing a lump that was difficult to digest.
He didn't feel like replying with words, as he did so well, he acted. He grabbed Ray's wrists before pinning them above his head, then hungrily kissed his neck, he wanted to taste every possible flavors clinging to that skin. To leave an indelible mark on his taned skin, to leave his mark.
Ray almost began humping against him in return, sweat drenched skin from their previous activity. It was fascinating how much stamina Ray can have in one night, but it wasn’t time for thinking about it.
The taste of lightly salted sweat, the fruity taste of his coconut shower gel, the alcoholic taste of his perfume, everything was intoxicating, exhilarating and oh-so exciting.
"You don’t need humiliation, you deserve respect and love… Let me impregnate your soul with those things you lack Ray"
Trembling Ray's longing voice echoed around the room as well as in Sand’s brain, it was so fragile and endearing at the same time.
"Yes please… Please Sand.. Teach me"
He nibbled his Adam's apple, another way to commit the sin of gluttony, he enjoyed the sensation of movement playing against his lips and rolling under his tongue. Then he came to delecte his swollen lips, not giving him a moment to catch his breath, wanting them both to lose themselves in an asphyxia of tenderness and passion.
After what seems like eternity, he reluctantly released them to recover some air, and with the support on one of his forearm he grabbed his wrists with his hand, despite Ray expressing no resistance, and with his other hand came to grasp both their arousal. The action drew a groan from Ray, who seemed lost under so much stimulus.
Ray’s stomach formed a knot of excitement, being manhandled, insulted, used and destroyed, those emotions strong enough to overcome what he failed to have from Mew.. Love and recognition. Usually, anything was good enough to escape this reality, except that all of them were fleeting, forcing him to engulf himself more and more. It was a vital necessity, and receiving everything he is lacking from Sand made his stomach hollow in an inexplicable way, he wanted to go further and further with him, to give him more and more of himself. It was dangerous, new and scary though. He craved destruction, even if it was in the worst way possible… With “love”?.
It is destruction ?....
A multitude of flavors satisfied Sand before he decided to let go of Ray's wrists to come and fully explore his body, he plastered himself astride Ray's body, causing a moan that he begged his brain to record indefinitely in his "Ray" memory drawer. With his free hand, he caressed every nook and cranny with the spirit of a conqueror in a new land. Ray's every moan guided his actions. A muffled moan as he pinched one of his nipples? Sand then lingered on that area, adding a wet touch as he wrapped his lips around the fleshy bud.
His right hand still moving against their erections was a slow, painful torture, his gestures imprecise, saccadic, making the experience unpredictable, little by little a knot of apprehension formed in Ray's lower belly, sending him all the more into the abyss of pleasure. Sand was gentle and considerate in his gestures, only the excitement reverberated somewhat with his impatience, yet everything breathed the desire to cherish whoever was in his hands.
Treasure me? For me?
Ray groaned breathlessly, he couldn't take it anymore and wanted to feel him inside, to be reassured that all this wasn't a cruel dream aimed at destroying him a little more.
“Help me get away from myself… I want to let go and forget ”
Sand's heart stirred uncomfortably, his words echoing like a shockwave. Every cell in his body reacted in a chain reaction to the unexpected blast. Ray was in a great deal of pain and didn't know how to deal with his emotions; he only knew suffering and found an unhealthy comfort in it. Sand would give everything he had to eradicate the ghosts haunting the weak figure laid at his side.
“I’m right here, the distance and the time between us.. It'll never change my mind, I want to be there with you ”
Ray didn't give an answer, but the shiver that ran through his whole body and the erratic beating of his heart under Sand's palm were proof indeed of any unanswered questions.
That's all it took for Sand to delicately position himself between Ray's welcoming legs. He distractedly caressed his thighs, then his hand and gaze lingered for a while on his alluring tattoos, he would love whorshiped these wonders a little longer, but the man beneath him was impatient, rocking his hips forward to come for more friction, and he himself didn't feel like waiting any longer, not when he felt so good, soothed with his own emotions and in harmony with his body's actions.
Ray was already prepared by their night of sex, and it only took a few minutes before he swallowed three of Sand's fingers in his warmth.
“Are you ready for me baby?”
Ray squeaked, and Sand couldn't decide whether it was the stupid question, because the answer was obvious, or that cheesy nickname. Sand chuckled and placed his tip in front of his entrance, before slowly sinking in, memorizing with every millimeter the feeling of the embrace around his shaft, but even more each Ray's changing expressions, between his half-open mouth, or his lower lip caught between his teeth in the endless wait to be completely filled from the inside.
“Sand… Please…”
He didn't let him beg for so long, himself longing to become one with Ray, to unite their bodies in the way they weren't afraid to get to.
Sand made love to him for the first time since they'd begun this relationship with benefits, rolling his hips in a gentle rhythm but driven by a deep desire to satisfy him with all his feelings, for Ray to be aware of what he was conveying through his body.
Soon they were a mess of moans and indecent noises. Their linked bodies served up the “grand finale" when their eyes met, each letting out the other's name in a last-ditch effort to verbalize their pleasure.
***********
Sand collapsed out of breath beside him, one arm lazily across his equally struggling chest, both recovering their breaths as best they could. When Sand felt stable enough to speak, he adjusted himself into a comfortable embrace against Ray and murmured against the skin of his torso.
"You're anything but a burden.. You’re you, Ray ”
He made one last effort and raised his head to gave him a light kiss on the cheek, letting a slight blush on his pale skin from the shyness he felt.
Ray tried to look at Sand's expression and his heart clenched immediately at the view he didn’t expect. An immense sweetness and adoration. Was it really for him? A good for nothing?
Sand approached his mouth with a loving stare toward Ray's face, it was a not tragic fatality , but it scared Ray a little.
"Sand.. Wait-" Ray tried in an uneven voice, to stop him from something he didn't expect.. But it was too late.
Sand’s kissed him with love, expressing everything he couldn't say, not at the moment when they weren't stable, but his body wouldn't be quiet, Ray quickly close his eyes, unable to stand under the pressure of such a gaze.
Warmness flowed down Ray's body quickly until the kiss ended, right hand of Sand gently caressing his cheek.
It wasn't sexual nor even an act of devotion, it was simply love .
The air was cold and the room as tidy as an IKEA sales model. The only objects proving any habitation were Sand’s cigarettes, motorcycle helmet and clothes in disarray across the room, then the few photo frames of Ray and his friends. Ray and Mew.
Sand didn't belong in such a neutral place, neutral but with this obsession, burning desire for someone else who wasn't him. Still he will not let go, little by little he will find his place, also have a frame with his photo, and one day a place in Ray's heart, the 1st and unique place in his heart. If not by love, then he will stay a friend Ray can count on, because his only desire is Ray’s happiness. If he can't be by his side as a lover then he will take care of him like a friend
I’m glad I met you.. I want to stay by your side..
Ray in his arms a question came like a blinding light does he had only helped Ray bebore? Or had he assisted him in ruining himself without realizing it? Destroying his own sanity in the process.
Today was a renaissance, for once he remained honest with himself, and with Ray, without fear of making him run away. It was surely selfish but he needed to be straightforward , and maybe one day, just maybe… He will be able to voice how he feels.
Sand loves Ray, and he accepts the idea even if the road wil notl be a long quiet river.
Love doesn't save . But caring with unfailing support for someone, without losing yourself, without faking your emotions are essential.
Never bite into an apple, no matter how delicious, without turning it over to check if it's rotten or not.. But if it’s rotten, don’t throw it away. Learn how to cut the wasted part and keep going with this apple, you’ll be surprised with a sweet flavor gushing onto your palate. The tastiest of the forbidden fruits you’ll ever have.
END