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I was just getting off a double shift at Starfleet medical when my padd pinged signalling I had a new message. I sighed and opened the message, thinking it was probably Jim as he was the only one who really messaged me besides medical. A small smile spread across my face as I read the message, an invite to a bar I used to frequent before Jim took over all my free time. It was a bar that no Starfleet cadets ever went to, to old timey for their liking. I thought about it as I walked back to my dorm, debating whether or not I should go or stay in to do homework.
I had just decided that I was going to go when I arrived back to my dorm. I would just get changed before heading out. I opened the door and stepped into my room before stopping.
“What are you doing here Jim? Don’t you have homework to do or someone else to bother?” I grumbled,, kicking off my shoes.
Jim laughed and leaned back against the wall from his position on my bed, kicking his feet up and putting his hands behind his head. “I thought we could go to a bar, relax and hang out.”
I sighed and scrubbed a hand over my face before taking off my overshirt. “Kid, why don’t you go out with someone your own age?” I enjoyed going out with Jim, he was my best friend but I didn’t feel like going out drinking with him tonight just to be ditched, like what always happens. Normally I didn’t mind it so much.. Well that was a lie, it always bothered me but normally being with Jim was worth it. Tonight I had something that I would enjoy and was honestly looking forward to.
Jim pouted and sat up straighter, his eyes dancing with humor. “But then I wouldn’t be with my best friend Bones.” His pout quickly turned into a grin. “Come on Bones, It’ll be fun.”
I sighed and rolled my eyes before going to my closet to grab a pair of worn jeans and a button up shirt. “I can’t do this tonight Jim. I have plans already.” I put on my shirt, buttoning it up before turning to face Jim. My heart clenched a little at the disappointed look on Jim’s face.
“Do you have a date or something?” I could almost imagine the hurt in his voice, but then again I knew that was only wishful thinking on my part.
I chuckled and shook my head. “A date? Really kid, do you know me at all?” It was ridiculous really, Jim should know me better than that. Admittedly he had only known me for about a year but he knew me the best out of anyone I’d ever met.
“I do know you Bones but its the only thing that really makes sense really.” He shrugged and stood up. “I’ve known you for a year and you have never gone out with anyone else, you’ve never hung out with friends other than me.” He looked genuinely confused.
“You don’t need an old man like me to come with you kid.” I said with a shrug before going into the bathroom to change pants. When I stepped out, dressed for the evening Jim was still sitting on my bed with a confused look on his face. “What kid?”
“Why did you say I don’t need you?” He asked quietly, tilting his head to the side.
I rolled my eyes before shrugging. “Its just a night at the bar. You will pick up somebody in minutes of entering. It’d be just like if I went with you but without you having to leave someone behind when you get a date.” I sat down to pull on my shoes, glancing up at Jim to see his slightly sad expression. I shook my head, thinking it was just my imagination and wishful thinking again.
“Jim, I’m going to head out. I’ll talk to you later.” I said, standing up and pulling on my jacket. If I stayed any longer I would end up not leaving at all. I took one more glance at Jim’s face before walking out.
I took a deep breath outside my room before heading off towards the bar. It took a little longer to get to the bar then it would if I was going to one of them frequented by cadets. It was farther out of town, on the very outskirts. It was perfect because no one from the Academy would ever come here.
“Leonard! I’m glad you could make it! We haven’t seen you here in ages.” The bar owner grinned and shook my hand before pulling me into a hug. He pulled away and clapped his hands on my shoulder before stepping back behind the bar. “Bourbon?” He grinned before pouring me a glass of bourbon for me.
“It’s been awhile, that’s for damn sure.” I grinned, taking a drink before relaxing onto a bar stool. “I haven’t had the time to come, plus.. you know.” I chuckled before turning to face the stage that they had situated off the side of the bar. “So Pete, what type of line up are we looking at tonight?”
Pete, the bar owner, grinned at me before pouring his own glass of bourbon. “Well we have a couple of newbies going up tonight then we are going to end with the best we have, you.” His grin turned into an almost mysterious one as he finished telling me the line up.
I turned to face him, eyes widening a little. “Me?? You think I’m one of the best?” I tried not to laugh because that had to the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard.
“I don’t think you’re one of the best Leonard, I know it.” He laughed before downing his drink and striding up to the stage, standing in front of the microphone. “Good evening everyone! I hope you all are as excited as I am about our line up tonight! We’ll start the night off with our newest finds!” Pete yelled into the microphone, grinning as he did so before leaving the stage with a grin. He was never one to say more than was needed. With that the nights entertainment started, singers and musicians.
The entertainment was good though they were obviously new performers. I enjoyed it, relaxing against the bar and enjoying the music and drink. I didn’t get to relax like this much between Jim, work, and schooling.
Before I knew it Pete was back on the stage, grinning out over the crowded bar. “Well lets give a big round of applause to our great entertainers!” He waited for the clapping to finish before grinning again. “Now we have a special surprise for you all! One of the best entertainers that have ever graced this establishment is with us tonight! I’m proud to introduce Leonard McCoy, back to give us a great performance!” He grinned before bounding off the stage.
I rolled my eyes and gave a small smile at how Pete reminded me of Jim when he bounded around like that. I stood up and moved towards the stage, grabbing one of the extra guitar while on my way up. I didn’t have my own guitar anymore, having got rid of it after the divorce because it had memories connected to it that only hurt.
I gave a soft smile when I sat down, running my fingers along the strings as I tuned it. Playing the guitar didn’t hurt anymore thanks to the changes that happened in my life. I was no longer in constant pain from my failed marriage which made it easier to enjoy the things I used to enjoy.
I smiled out over the crowd after I finished tuning the guitar. “Hey there everyone! How y’all doing?” I shifted a little, settling into my seat as the crowd cheered and hollered in reply. “Glad to hear that darlin’s.” My southern drawl coming out even more than it normally was as I prepared to sing.
I bit my lip as I thought over what to sing before deciding on a very special one. “A’rigt I’m going to start off with a special song, a song I wrote for someone very special to me. I hope y’all enjoy it.”
I swallowed nervously before starting to strum the guitar.
“Wish I could say, I could say I’ve been looking for you my whole life
But I never believed, I never dreamed, I never knew anything could feel this right.
I got a past I couldn’t get past, but it don’t haunt me anymore
Cuz all my demons they ran like hell when my angel walked through my door.
You were always the only one
You were always the only one
Yeah” I sang quietly, playing along as I went. I couldn’t stop a small smile from crossing my face as I thought of the important person who I had written this song for. He really was my angel, he helped me get over my past.
“If I had a chance, a chance to take it all back, God knows I would
Hide your heart away, hide you from the pain every second if I could
Well baby no matter what happens now, you can know I’m always yours
I ain’t never going nowhere, cuz I ain’t never loved, no loved nobody more
You were always the only one
You were always the only one
Yeah
You were baby.” I closed my eyes as I sang, swaying a little as I played. Jim had been through so much that I wish I could go back and take care of him, to protect him from everything he went through. What I could do was protect him for as long as he let me stay with him.
“If you never believe anything else I ever say
Every second, every moment, every day every day
If you never believe anything else I ever say
Every second, every moment, in every way
You were always the only one
You were always the only one
You were always the only one,
Yeah baby.”
I swallowed hard and opened my eyes to look out over the crowd as they cheered. I almost fell out of my chair when out in the crowd I saw the one person I never wanted to find out about any of this. Jim was standing in the very front of the room, eyes wide and mouth hanging open.
Before I could react a flash of hurt went across Jim’s face before he turned and almost ran out the door. I didn’t know what to do, I stared after him for a moment before I stood up, murmuring an apology before running after my best friend.
“Jim! Jim, Kid! Wait please!” I yelled out after his retreating back, running to try and catch him.
Jim turned just before I could grab his arm, making me stumble to a stop so I wouldn’t run into him. “What Bones?!” He yelled, making me flinch.
I shifted nervously and reached out to grab Jim’s arm again, stopping just before I did. “I… I didn’t expect to see you there kid. Why did you run out of there?” I felt like I had hurt him and I didn’t like that.
Jim spun around and stalked in the direction of the dorm buildings. He was angry, I could tell it by the way he held himself, his back rigid. I hurried after him, trying to keep up, trying to talk to him. He didn’t slow down until he got to the dorm building he lived in and to his own room.
I followed him into his room, not caring if he wanted me there because I needed to talk to him, I needed to straighten this out, find out what happened at the bar to make him so mad.
“Jim..” I started, wanting to start finding out what happened but Jim beat me to the punch, interrupting me.
He spun around to glare at me, the anger almost hiding the hurt in his eyes. “So thats what you planned for tonight huh? I thought I was your best friend but I’m not good enough to learn about you, for you to tell me stuff!” He yelled at me, taking an angry step forward.
“No Jim, thats not it at all kid!” I said quietly, trying to soothe him a little. It didn’t work. If anything it only made it worse.
“Then what is it!? Didn’t think I was someone to tell this stuff to? Didn’t think I was worth it?” He snarled at me. It took me a minute but I realized quickly that this was about more than me not telling him stuff. It was about him thinking I wasn’t telling him stuff because I was just going to leave him. It killed me that he thought that. I would never leave him, could never leave him, I was planning on following him into space he meant so much to me.
“Jim, can we please sit down and talk about this?” I reached out to grab him, to try to reassure him of how much he meant to me. He jerked back to avoid my touch, his eyes hardening as he looked at me.
He glared at me as he put some distance between us, moving behind the couch. “Talk about what?! Its obvious whats happening, what happened! You don’t want me anymore! You don’t want to be my friend, you don’t want me around anymore! You are just going to leave me! They all leave!” he yelled at me,
I stared at him, my eyes widening and I stepped back, hurt that he would think that I would ever leave him. I felt tears stinging my eyes as I stepped back more, sinking down onto the couch, feeling myself starting to shut down like I did when my ex gave me the divorce papers.
I looked up at Jim, my eyes welling up more. “Is that what you really think? That I would leave you willingly? I..” My voice broke and I swallowed hard before trying again. “I thought you knew me better than that.”
“If tonight proved anything its that I don’t know you! You don’t tell me anything about you! I didn’t even know you could sing or play guitar, I didn’t know you had an interest in anyone! What type of best friends don’t tell each other that stuff! What best friends don’t know these basic things about their friend.” He started out yelling at me before his voice got quieter, his tone more hurt than angry.
I flinched with each of his statements, each landing harder than any punch could. I was so worried about Jim finding out about my feelings for him I made him think I didn’t care at all. I put my head into my hands, wanting to cry. What was it about me that made me ruin every relationship I had, everything that mattered to me I ruined.
Jim sat down beside me cautiously. I couldn’t help the sob that built up in my throat because I made Jim hesitate, the man who never hesitated, who always went into any situation full speed ahead. If I didn’t hate myself already then this would have made me.
“I’m so sorry Jim.” I looked up at him, leaning forward to try and show him just how serious I was. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know I was making you feel that way. I thought it was obvious that I would never, ever leave you as long as you wanted me around.” I gave a bitter laugh, scrubbing my eyes free of tears before looking at Jim again. “Did you not know that I am now taking the courses required so I can be a CMO on a starship?”
Jim’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth and then closed it, looking like a fish before he finally got out something. “Are you serious?!” It hurt that he didn’t know I cared about him enough to do that.
“I am serious. I started my flight class a couple days ago. Remember when I came back to my dorm a couple days ago, you had snuck in because we were supposed to study then go to a bar, and I was so sick and I was shaking so bad. I told you it was just a rough day and then we just moved on.” I muttered it quietly, looking down at my hands. I had wanted it to be a surprise and it backfired so badly. I knew that I never should have tried, I should have known only hurt would come from it. I destroyed everything important to me, everything that made me happy.
I could feel Jim staring at me though I refused to look back up at him. At least I refused to look up at him until he gently put his hand on my shoulder and said in a quiet voice “Bones?”
I looked up at him, trying to look like I wasn’t surprised or still hurting. Jim smiled gently at me as if he had forgiven me for what I had done to him. I opened my mouth to say something to him, to apologize or something when he stopped me, squeezing my shoulder gently. “Bones don’t apologize again. Just give me a minute to think about this. I need to figure out what’s really happening.” He bit his lip, looking thoughtful.
I sat there quietly as he thought, biting my lip and getting more nervous as the time ticked by. It had been about three minutes of silence and Jim thinking and I was getting even more nervous. I opened my mouth once again to say something, anything but once again Jim stopped me.
He turned to look at me, he looked thoughtful. “Why didn’t you tell me you could sing and play? Why didn’t you tell me about the person you like?” He asked quietly, still kind of upset. “It seems like you… that song made me think that you love that person.”
I bit my lip nervously, glancing up at him before down at my feet. I knew that either way I decided, to tell the truth or lie, could possibly destroy the only thing I had left in this universe. “I didn’t tell you about the singing and playing because.. Because it hurt so bad at first. The first time I went to that bar I was so drunk I can’t remember what happened. Pete, the owner, told me I went onstage, played and sang a song before throwing up on the people closest to the stage. At first all it did was remind me of everything I ruined, of my failed marriage, my father who I couldn’t save, my daughter. Then when I could finally think about those without hurting it just didn’t seem.. right to tell you after so long. I was ashamed of how I kept it from you and how much it started to mean to me again.” I looked up at him as I said that, biting my lip once more in thought before continuing. “I didn’t tell you about me being in love, and yes I am in love, because I am an absolute failure at relationships, I couldn’t bare it if I ruined one more. I didn’t want anyone to know, I didn’t want anything to change between me and.. the person I love. I was scared that if I told you I would lose you.” I looked at him, pleading at him to understand without me having to say more.
He gently grabbed my hand, making sure my attention was on him before speaking, “I don’t understand Bones. Why would me finding out you were in love change anything? How could it possibly make me leave my best friend?”
I pulled my hand away and dropped my face into my hands. I had to tell him, I knew I had to tell him or I risked him thinking I didn’t care about him. I couldn’t have that. I would rather have my heart broken, I would rather give anything then cause Jim hurt. I stealed myself before looking up at him. “Isn’t it obvious Jim? I go to teenie bopper bars just so I can be with you, I grumble but I am willing to wake up in the middle of the night after long shifts at Medical just to be with you or help you. I am planning on following you into space, something I am terrified to do but just to be near you is worth it.” I buried my face back into my hands, muffling my next statement. “I am in love with you Jim.”
I refused to look up, absolutely terrified of what I might see in his face. Each moment of silence that followed my statement felt like another piece of my heart was being torn off. I took a deep breath, already trying to build back up my walls. I needed to make my escape. I needed to go bury myself in a bottle again, and this time never come back out.
Before I could flee, which was exactly what I planned to do, Jim grabbed my hand and pulled them away from my face. I still refused to look up at him despite the small spark of hope that flared up.
“Bones. Bones.” Jim said, trying to get me to look up at him. “Leonard!” He yelled, causing me to jerk my head up to look at him. He never called me my real name, not once.
He looked me in the eye for a moment before speaking again, still holding onto my hand tightly. “Bones.” He murmured quietly, a bright smile spreading across his face. He didn’t say anything more, staring into my eyes for a moment more before leaning forward to kiss me gently.
I froze, I couldn’t believe Jim was actually kissing me. My mind refused to actually accept what was happening. Jim pulled away after a moment.
“Bones?” He asked quietly. “You still with me?” He kept smiling at me gently.
I stared at him from a moment more before grinning at him. Jim grinned at me in return before leaning forward to kiss me again.
I kissed him back happily, sliding a hand up to cup the back of his neck. After a brief moment of kissing Jim pulled back and rested his forehead against mine. “I love you to Bones.” He murmured, pulling away to give me the biggest smile I ever saw, his bright blue eyes shining with happiness.