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It seemed easy enough.
To be a kabaneri all you have to do is choke yourself out.
It’s not like you were planning on this.
But you knew it was coming.
You trained hard. You despise the idea of being helpless. You spend a lot of time with Kajika looking after the children. But every spare second you have is spent training. Of course, with the kabaneri on board you would consider what it would be like to have what they have. The speed, the power. You dreamed of being as effective as them.
When you learned what it cost. You dropped the fantasy instantly. All you have to do is cut off circulation to your brain.
And that’s all you used to do. You would revel in it. Your own two hands digging into your throat until your eyes went bloodshot and your lips went blue. Your face would go pale, then dark. Your mouth would fall agape, struggling to get any bit of air, and getting nothing. Your pulse throbbing under your tongue, the pins and needles in your cheeks, and the numbness through your hands and arms.
You had loved it.
It’s disgusting.
You had felt so worthless back then, you didn’t even consider yourself a person. hurting yourself brought you joy. Having some control in the misery was all you felt capable of. It’s demented. The tortured, gleefully torturing themself.
It’s everything you’ve been working to overcome. It’s everything motivating you now, to be better, to be stronger.
The fact it’s all you needed to be a kabaneri, is just too funny.
But the question still stands.
in the face of turning into some mindless monster,
What wins?
You felt their teeth rip through your right calf.
And the timer started.
You wanted to start hyperventilating right there.
You kicked the kabane off the top of the train.
you can see the flesh around the wound start to turn a sickening purple. you can see the awful colour through your skin sluggishly creeping up your veins.
And
You want to cry.
You don’t want to do this.
You don’t want to do this.
You promised.
You promised.
You promised.
They want you to live.
They want you to live.
But
You can’t betray yourself like this.
Choking yourself.
There is no justification.
You will not hurt yourself.
And you watch as the virus spreads.
And tears roll down your face.
Lying there on the cold steel.
Feeling the wind painfully gentle on your burning skin.
You stare up into the blue sky.
Plumes of smoke and fire haunt your peripheral vision.
You can’t move.
Nerves made of molten steel.
You can’t move.
You clench your teeth as your chest shudders.
You won’t sob.
You
You don’t look.
You don’t look.
You can’t.
You don’t want to.
You know it’s almost over.
Your heart pounds louder than anything.
And you know what your last words are before you can say them.
The scream rips from your throat
And part of you wonders if every kabane transformation is this torturous. This feels like it’s been too long, and too slow,
But you’ve seen it.
People turn in a matter of seconds.
And you’re suddenly mobile, as you twist onto your side convulsing. you don't know if it's the virus that's painful, if it's the weight of your failure, or the fact you know you're dying
it hurts so bad it's all your can think about.
you try to focus on the pressure from your skull pressing against your knees.
You’re whispering under your breath.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
And it all starts melting together.
you're sure anyone watching, rolling around on the roof, sobbing, mubling to yourself, would think you've lost it.
Tears spill over the bridge of your nose and splatter on the roof beneath you.
There isn’t any time for hatred or revenge or bitterness. There is no swearing up at the sky and begging for another chance. There is nothing after this. You can just pray you won’t hurt those who love you. Just pray that someday they’ll heal. That they’ll forgive you for this. (you know they will.)
Just
Let my sweetheart know she’s loved.