Chapter Text
The castle is strangely quiet tonight, though that isn’t much of a surprise anymore. Since the unfortunate events at Castle Oblivion, Organization XIII has lost nearly half its members, and those who remain have been doubling down on missions to compensate. Sleep has become a rare luxury for everyone, and you’re no exception to that. You’ve been pushing yourself extra hard lately, yet you can’t quite bring yourself to complain. For someone who’s only been with the Organization a few months, you’ve adapted remarkably well to life as a Nobody. Your powers have developed at an impressive rate, your missions completed in record time, and there’s no denying that you’ve become the Organization’s shining warrior. Lord Xemnas, at the very least, seems pleased with your progress, and that has to count for something.
After all, the Heartless never stand a chance against you or your Keyblade. Not even Roxas and Xion can compare to you in strength or magic, but you’d never rub it in their faces. They’re just kids, after all, and they’re doing their best just like everyone else. You’re just content knowing that you ace every mission Saix sends you on and that you no longer need to be paired up with the senior members since you’re more than capable of taking care of things on your own.
Your sleep schedule, however, has been more than a little off lately. No matter how exhausted you are, sleep refuses to come easily each night. Your mind is always restless, making you toss and turn in your bed for hours until the breaking of dawn. Rest is vital when your days are spent traversing worlds on recon missions, battling pesky Heartless, and collecting hearts left and right, and if you want to keep impressing the Superior with your efficiency and success, you know you’ll need to get a better handle on your insomnia.
Writing is the only thing that seems to help. Transferring your thoughts onto paper helps you steady the noise inside your head long enough for you to get some shuteye. Your journal has become your most treasured possession, rarely leaving your side. It’s a habit you carried with you from your human life, and you always excelled at writing poetry. Thankfully, inspiration comes easily to you. Each night, you fill the pages with elegant, melodic lines, and by the time you’ve finished jotting down a few scattered poems, sleep finally begins to feel within reach.
With your journal clutched tightly to your chest, you quietly slip out of your room and into the empty halls of the Castle That Never Was. You’re careful not to make a sound as you make your way toward your favorite late-night writing spot. The Gray Area has become something of a sanctuary for you, giving you a great view of the heart-shaped moon through the towering windows and the glowing, neon lights of the city far below the castle. The moonlit view always seems to stir something romantic inside that empty cave you call a chest, and it’s the perfect atmosphere for poetry. The plush couches in the lounge are way comfier than that rock-hard bed you’ve been cursed to sleep in, so that’s always a plus, too.
Of course, the scenery and cozy couches aren’t the only reason you’ve chosen the Gray Area as your nightly retreat. Every now and then, your secret crush can be seen patrolling the halls of the castle at night, and if you’re lucky, he might stop by the Gray Area and exchange a few words with you before he goes about his business for the night. It’s one of the highlights of your day, although, you’d never admit to anyone how much you crave those small yet invigorating conversations.
The Gray Area; however, is completely empty right now. “I guess he’s not here,” you mumble quietly to yourself, a hint of disappointment in your voice. He may show up later, though, so you won’t retreat to your room just yet. He’s a bit of a night owl, too, so there’s still a chance you can have a small midnight chat with him before going to bed if he decides to stop by the Gray Area before returning to his room.
After taking a seat on the couch, you open up your journal and begin working on a new poem. Your pen practically glides across the paper as you write whatever comes to your mind knowing that you can tweak and improve the flow at a later time. These poems are for your eyes only, so they don’t need to be perfect. They just need to be released from the confinements of your thoughts.
‘I feel my heart begin to race,
And he wraps me in his warm embrace.
I delicately run my fingers through his long, azure hair,
With fiery kisses for us to share.
His golden eyes gaze into mine,
And nothing is more divine.
Heat spreads throughout my chest,
As his fingers caress my—’
You suddenly feel the presence of someone behind you, and chills run down your spine. Before you can even turn around, you feel a breath of cool air brush against your ear.
“Whatcha got there, cutie?” A familiar voice drawls softly. “Writing a love letter to me?”
Xigbar, the infamous gunslinger with a knack for pestering his fellow teammates with his abundance of sarcasm and never-ending dad jokes, has appeared behind you without warning. He towers over your shoulder from behind the couch as his single visible eye fixates on the journal in you’re so engrossed in, the silver streaks in his long, black hair practically gleaming in the moonlight. He leans in closer, invading your space, his face hovering just inches from yours as he lets out a quiet, amused chuckle.
You nearly jump out of your skin. Your least favorite person in the entire Organization has a talent for appearing out of nowhere when you least expect it, and tonight is no exception. You let out a startled scream, dropping your journal to the floor. A few loose pages fly out from the notebook, scattering everywhere around your feet by the couch.
“You jerk! You scared the hell out of me!” You snap angrily, sharply turning your head to glare at the Freeshooter. You don’t have the slightest clue how long that bastard had been standing behind you, but judging by the smirk smug on his face, you can only surmise a guess that he had been standing in the shadows for longer than you’d think. He has the power to warp through space using self-made portals, so he’s made quite the habit of sneaking up behind you with ease just to scare the daylights out of you each day.
Xigbar doesn’t even bother hiding his satisfaction as he remains behind the couch, watching as you scramble to snatch up the scattered pages of your journal.
“You know,” he adds casually, voice light and teasing, “You don’t have to write me a letter. If you want to confess your burning feelings for me, why not just say it to my handsome face?”
"In your dreams, creep!" Anger boils through you, mortified that he must have caught a glimpse of your sappy poem after looking over your shoulder. The last thing you want is for him to figure out who those words are really meant for.
Saix.
You have been crushing on Saix since the beginning of your recruitment into the Organization, but it’s a secret you’ve kept tightly locked away. No one can know that you constantly daydream about his piercing eyes and that beautiful cross-shaped scar across his gorgeous face. As far as you know, you’ve done a pretty good job at maintaining your composure around Saix to keep him from finding out just how much you admire him, but writing poems about him helps you keep your naughty fantasies at bay when you’re in his presence.
“Honestly, Xigbar…Don’t you have anything better than to do than to bug me?!” You grunt with heavy irritation. “I’m busy, if you can’t tell…”
Xigbar can't help but smirk wider at your reaction, delighted by how easy it is to fluster you. Riling you up has been one of his favorite pastimes ever since you joined their ranks a few months ago. You’re usually calm and reserved around the others, but with him, that composure never lasts. He knows exactly which buttons to push, and he takes full advantage of it.
Utilizing his portals to materialize behind you just to startle you is Xigbar’s go-to tactic, but lately he’s been branching out and testing out new ways to get under your skin. Harmless pranks, backhanded remarks disguised as compliments, or even crude, suggestive remarks about your figure whenever you walk into the room seem to do the trick. You scowl, threaten him, sometimes even smack him with your Keyblade when he pushes you too far, and every single reaction only seems to encourage him further. Bullying you is far too entertaining for him to ever stop, even if he knows it’s not earning him any favors with you.
"Aw, don’t be like that. You’re always nose-deep in that little journal of yours, so I’m sure there’s something juicy you’re hiding in there,” he says, rubbing his chin as he watches you gather the remaining loose pages. “Mind if I take a look?"
Circling the couch, he spots a single page lying near his boot and snatches it up without hesitation. By the time you realize what’s happened, his eye is already scanning the page. As he reads the incriminating lines, he blows out a loud, exasperated whistle from his lips. “Oh, my… This is dirty, sweetheart. Real dirty.”
You turn to face him, your eyes widening in horror as you watch him read one of your older poems; one that is full of sin, spice, and everything Saix. “H-HEY! Don’t read that!” In a panic, you rush over to him and try to yank it out of his grasp.
Xigbar is a lot taller than you, and he effortlessly holds the page high above your head as you try to jump up and reclaim it. You look like a tiny rabbit trying to hop your way up to his level, but no matter how far you stretch up your arm, your fingertips don’t even brush the paper.
"Sorry, sweetheart, but no can do. My curiosity is piqued, and I can't just ignore that,” Xigbar taunts you, enjoying your struggle as you push your body up against him, desperately trying to retrieve your secret poem before you can finish reading whatever filthy smut is left on the page. “Who are these cheesy love poems for, huh? Does our little fireball have a little crush on someone?"
He holds one hand out to your head, his large palm nearly covering the entirety of your face as he pushes you back away from him, giving him the perfect opportunity to finish reading the poem without you flinging your arms around him like a buzzing bee.
“X-Xig—!” You let out a muffled scream as his hand envelopes your whole face, mouth included, and his eyebrows raise as he reads a specific line out loud.
“’My sweet, sensual berserker, oh, how my body yearns for your touch,” he begins, raising the volume of his voice for a dramatic flair. “I want to bathe in the moonlight with you, to see you let go and burn for me. Let’s lose ourselves under the moon’s gentle light together, so you can ravish me with your teeth.”
Once he finishes reciting the line out loud, Xigbar’s singular, golden eye widens just a bit as the words start to settle in.
Oh, fuck. He knows who it’s about!
You shove his hand away from your face, gasping as you finally get a full breath. “I-It’s not what you think! It’s not about anyone! It’s just a stupid poem!” You shriek as your face turns a dark, scarlet shade, the embarrassment fully sinking in.
At first, Xigbar says nothing. He simply stands there silently, debating on how to approach this before a sly grin spreads across his angular face. “As if. I don’t have to look too far to know who this is about. Beserker? Moonlight? That only lines up with one person in this Organization, as far as I know.”
You manage to jump up and finally snatch the page from his grip. It rips in half, which honestly suits you just fine. You stuff the crinkled remnants of the page in the pocket of your long, black trench coat, your cheeks still stained with pink as your embarrassment turns to raw anger. "THAT WASN’T FOR YOU TO READ, YOUR JERK!" Your voice is loud and shrill as it bounces off the walls of the Gray Area. You’re certain the entire castle heard you shriek. The other members, the servant Dusks, the Moogle with the signature Organization XIII cloak, and anyone else who was unlucky enough to be sleeping nearby were probably all crudely awakened by your shouting.
“Oh, this is just too good,” Xigbar snorts, clearly enjoying himself. “All these dirty little secrets are way more interesting than I expected. And here I thought your silly little journal was just full of boring notes you take during Xemnas’s morning lectures.” His grin makes your stomach churn, and you know there’s no wiggling your way out of this.
“C’mon, sweetheart. You can’t fool me.” He reaches out a hand to pat the top of your head in a condescending manner. “I know it’s about Saïx. Honestly? It’s kinda cute…in a pathetic way.”
You’ve never wanted to punch him more than you do right now, and that’s really saying something considering all the times you’ve fantasized about sweeping the floor with his stupid face.
Xigbar is an enigma you’re convinced you’ll never understand. From the very first day you set foot in the Castle That Never Was, freshly recruited by Saïx himself, the Freeshooter has made it his personal mission to annoy you every chance he could. It started with condescending pet names before escalating into crude comments about your body, specifically about how the Organization’s uniform clings a little tighter to your chest than it does on anyone else and how you can barely zip your coat all the way up without your boobs getting in the way.
But the pet names and sexual remarks about your breasts were things you could handle. It was his lack of personal boundaries that bothered you the most. Well, that and the annoying pranks he always pulled. Xigbar always stands just a little too close to you whenever you’re in the room together, sometimes even going as far as throwing an arm around your shoulder or placing his hands on your hips whenever he needs to squeeze past you. It unnerves you, yet you always find yourself over-analyzing the meaning by his flirtations. He was pretty determined to seize your attention, and he never stopped chasing you. No matter how many times you threaten to break all the fingers in his hand if he touches you again, the one-eyed bastard never stops invading your personal space. And no matter how many times you tell yourself you can’t stand his attention, your body always betrays you with every blush, every flutter inside your stomach, and every breath that his touch seems to steal from your lungs.
But the way you react to his stupid antics makes no sense. You hate Xigbar. He’s downright intolerable compared to everyone else in the group. The other members rarely speak to you unless you’re assigned to complete missions together, but Xigbar has yet to pass up an opportunity to harass you, bother you, taunt you, or bully you. You don’t know why Xigbar has targeted you, or why he chooses to mess with you and not the other guys in the group. Maybe it’s because you’re the only female here now, aside from Xion. Or maybe he’s just a horny loser that doesn’t know how to properly charm women. Either way, you find yourself burning with rage and irritation every time he flicks that annoyingly sexy smirk at you, even if it did occasionally send thrilling chills down your spine.
Wait—no. You absolutely did not just think that his smirk was sexy.
There is nothing sexy about Xigbar. Nothing. Not the long, ridiculous salt-and-pepper ponytail that somehow always looks annoyingly soft, not the sun-kissed tone of his skin, not the dazzling glint of molten gold in his eye whenever he lets his gaze drift over your curves when he thinks you’re not looking. And definitely not the way his muscles flex whenever he’s battling Heartless and whipping through his portals like an elegant dancer weaving through the air.
You shut that line of thought down hard.
You shake your head, forcing the images away before they can settle into anything worse. Wherever your mind was trying to go is a place you do not have the patience nor the energy to explore tonight. You have bigger problems. Real ones.
And none of them involve admitting that Xigbar has any effect on you whatsoever.
The snarky asshole now knows your deepest, darkest secret. He knows you have the hots for Saix, and seeing as how Xigbar is the biggest loudmouth in the entire Organization, this was bad, bad news for you.
He was going to ruin you.
“You better not tell a soul!” You growl threateningly at him, watching as his eye sparkles with mischief.
“Just chillax for a sec, will ‘ya? I won’t tell anyone.” Xigbar waves a casual hand in the air before he glances at you out of the corner of his eye. “But I’ve got a few conditions, though, if you want to ensure I don’t accidentally let it slip out someday.”
He says it like it’s nothing, and your stomach drops instantly. Of course he has conditions. You should’ve known better than to expect mercy from someone like him.
“And what would that be?” You ask through clenched teeth.
“Well, the first one’s easy,” he says with a careless shrug. “I just want you to answer a simple question for me, babe.”
Babe. There he goes again with those ridiculous pet names. Calling you affectionate little nicknames as if you belong to him or something. No one else here has the balls to call you by anything other than your name or even your title in the Organization. Or, in Saix’s case, he usually just calls you by your rank. Number XV. As for Xigbar, you don’t think you’ve ever heard him call you by your name. Sometimes when you’re lying in bed after missions, wide awake in the deepest hours of the night, you find yourself wondering just what your name would sound like on Xigbar’s lips. He has such a deep, gravelly voice, the kind that probably makes women melt into puddles when he whispers filthy things in their ears, and you’ve always wondered if your name would sound like honey from his lips, or if it would set your soul on fire.
Oh, god. Just what the hell is wrong with you tonight?! Your thoughts are running off in directions they have no business going. You must be more exhausted than you realized if you’re actually imagining what it would be like to hear Xigbar of all people say your name.
You snap those thoughts away, focusing on the matter at hand. You hold your journal protectively against your chest, determined to keep the rest of the entries out of his reach. "And what question is that?!" Venom drips from your voice as you angrily sit back down on the couch, crossing one of your legs over the other.
Xigbar naturally plops down on the couch beside you, choosing to sit so close that his knee is touching yours as he casually leans back and rests his arm on the back of the couch directly behind you. You try to ignore the rush of heat that swims through you from his close proximity. He’s sitting way too close for comfort.
"A simple question, really. But I need you to be completely honest with me…” He purposely leaves you hanging in suspense for a moment before speaking again.
“Do you seriously like that emotionless prick, Saix?"
"N-No!" You say quickly. A bit too quickly. You both know it’s a lie at this point, so why bother? Your poem was as clear as day. You just need to accept you’ve already lost the trial and you’re about to receive a social death sentence if you don’t tell him everything he wants to hear.
You lower your head in defeat, your eyes focusing on your lap. "Okay, fine...Yeah, I like Saix. There. I said it. Happy now?!”
He raises his chin and examines you closely, silently intrigued by your quick denial followed by your immediate confession. He leans in a bit closer to you, his smirk turning into a teasing sneer.
"Ha! I knew it. And judging by the looks of those poems you wrote, you're pretty obsessed with him, huh? That's...kinda’ creepy, you know. A little cute, but mostly creepy."
"Obsessed with him?!" You repeat back, your cheeks burning even hotter. "I'm not...I mean...It's not like that..." You’re not obsessed. At least, you don’t think so. Sure, you write poems about Saix, but it’s not like he’s the only thing—or person—you catch yourself daydreaming about.
He doesn’t look convinced. “I bet you sneak into his room when he’s not there. I can just picture you sniffing his boxers, stealing his toothbrush, masturbating in his bed…”
You punch him roughly in the shoulder to cut him off before he can go any further, disgusted by his assumptions. "EW! You’re such a pig! I'm not a creep like you! I’d never do anything like that!”
Xigbar bursts into laughter, his booming voice filling up the room as he rubs his shoulder where you hit him. For a newbie, you surprisingly pack a powerful punch. Before you can smack him again, he raises his hands as a gesture of good will and leans back away from you. You always reminded Xigbar of a sassy little chihuahua. Sure, you’re small and cute, maybe even a bit nervous and fragile on the outside, but any little thing can set you off and turn you into a mean, snappy, biting gremlin. He might lose a finger or two if he’s not careful around you.
“Alright, alright, I’ll back off on the dirty talk,” he grumbles, knowing he should probably just drop it, but he’s just too much of a pest for his own good. “But I still gotta’ know…Why Saix of all people? It just seems a little out there, ‘yknow?”
You hesitate for a moment, searching for the right words. You’ve never told anyone about your crush on Saix, and you never thought you’d be in a position where you’d need to explain yourself to someone, but life has a funny way of throwing curveballs at you when you least expect it.
“I just think he's cool...” You finally admit, releasing a sigh you had been holding back. “He's smart, well-spoken, elegant, dignified...He’s the complete opposite of you, so why wouldn’t I like him?"
"Whoa, okay, okay. I get it, you find him to be a total catch,” he scoffs, folding his arms over his broad chest as he reclines back against the sofa cushions. “But I don't think your description of me is very accurate. I'm not a creep…I'm more of a charming bastard, don't you think?"
"Yesterday morning you used your powers to make me defy gravity and float around the room like a helium balloon," you reply flatly, grimacing at the memory. "And I couldn't get down on my own! You left me up there for twenty minutes! And then when you finally let me go, you watched me just crash to the floor and fall right on my ass! Do you have any idea how humiliating that was?! There is nothing charming about a sadistic prankster like you!"
Xigbar snorts with laughter, seemingly unrepentant about his previous prank. He places a hand on his chest, feigning a sense of hurt. "Hey, hey, I think you're being a little harsh there, princess. I was just trying to give you a little taste of what it’s like to fly. You’ll never need trivial shit like faith, trust, and pixie dust as long you have me around!”
"Floating in zero gravity is not the same as flying!” You snarl at him, ready to rip his throat out with your teeth. “I couldn’t control where I was drifting, and I was upside down almost the entire time! You're lucky only Demyx and Axel saw me. If Saix had been there, I would have murdered you on the spot!” Although, if Saix was there, he probably would have put a stop to Xigbar’s childish antics right away and could have saved you the embarrassment. He's a very ‘no-nonsense’ kind of guy, and he probably would have even punished Xigbar for picking on you so ruthlessly. Demyx and Axel hadn’t bothered to try and help you down. Those buffoons just laughed and laughed like you were performing a stunt show in a circus, even as you screamed and wailed for their help.
"Oh, so I’m allowed to prank you as long as Saix isn’t in the room?” Xigbar chuckles, taking that as a challenge. “Good to know! Can’t have you looking like a damsel in distress in front of your prince charming.”
You turn in your seat to face Xigbar directly, your eyes full of hatred and malice. "I just don't want to look lame in front of him, okay?! The image he has of me would totally be ruined! This whole time, I've been acing all my missions and following every order to the best of my ability to impress Saix. So far, it seems he regards me highly as a valuable member of this team. I don't want him to think I'm some kind of crazy goofball like you or Demyx!"
Your dedication to Saix is honorable, but also a little irritating. He sits up straighter, leaning his face closer to yours as he grins like a fox when you try to draw back from him. "Oh, I see. You want to impress Mr. Serious-And-Brooding with how much of a hard worker and all-around perfect member of the Organization you are. How cute. And here I thought you weren’t obsessed with him."
You blush again, scooting away from him on the couch to put some more distance between you two. "I'm not obsessed with him! I just admire him...That's all. Quit trying to twist my words," you mumble, twirling a lock of your hair around your finger as you turn your head away. "But it's not like I'm stupid enough to think he'd ever return my affection. Just having him think of me as an important member of the team is enough for me. It’s why Saix can never know I like him. He’d never like me back, and it would just make things awkward between us."
Xigbar's smirk softens into a small, almost pleasant smile as he sees you visibly shift away from him. He notices you twisting your hair around your finger, a clear sign of your underlying nervousness and insecurity. How cute.
"Oh, come on. Don't sell yourself short. I bet Saix would be all over you if he had even a clue about what's in that journal of yours. Any guy would! In fact…" He gestures out his hand towards you. “Why don’t you let me be your wingman? I’ll tell Saix you like him and see what his reaction is. Or I could just show him your poem.”
He’s just fucking with you, of course. Of all the men in Organization XIII, Saix would be the least impressed with be fawned over by a pretty girl. Good. That means less competition for him in the long run. You can daydream and fantasize about that haughty bastard as much as you want, but Xigbar would never have to worry about Saix returning your feelings and stealing you away.
You abruptly turn to look back at the older man sitting beside you, a pleading look in your eyes. "Don't you dare tell him anything! You can't say a word to anyone!" You start to panic as you reach out to tug on his sleeve aggressively. "I'm serious, Xigbar! You can't tell him! He is not a romantic or sexual kind of guy, and I'd never be able to look him in the eye again if he knew I wrote poems about him!"
He eats up your reaction like it’s his favorite meal. The desperation in your voice, the worry in your eyes. He knows it would completely ruin you if he said anything to Saix. "Don’t you think he should know that his newest subordinate has a big ole’ crush on him? It would be hilarious to see his reaction, don't you think? He might even stop scowling for a split second long enough to give a big, dramatic gasp. I’d pay to see that old stick in the mud break character!"
Of all the people in the Organization finding out about your silly little crush on the Luna Diviner, it just had to be Xigbar. Everyone knows he’s a gossip and likes to spread rumors just to get the others riled up, but surely there’s something you can do to convince him to keep this juicy secret from leaking. Even Xigbar could be won over if you offered him the right price.
"You want something, don’t you?” You say, your fingers clutching even tighter to his sleeve. “You want something in return for your silence. Am I right?!”
Xigbar sighs dramatically, pulling his arm away from you so you’re no longer tugging on it. “And what makes you think I want something from you, hm?”
You roll your eyes at his attempts to play innocent. “I know you well enough, asshole. So just come out and say it.”
He pretends to rub his chin in thought, closing his golden eye as he cocks his head to the side. “Hm…Well, it all depends. What are you offering exactly? Because if it’s not good enough, I may just have to recite your poem word for word during the next meeting…”
You can’t help but groan loudly, knowing good and well that he never intended to make this easy on you. You uncross your legs and face him straight on, arms folded over your chest. “Just name your price. I’ll do anything you say, alright? Literally anything. Whatever you want. Okay?!”
"Anything I say, huh?” His lips curve upwards into a Cheshire cat grin. “That's a dangerous offer to make, sweetheart."
The look in his amber eye does something to you, and you feel a strange flutter in your stomach. It’s like the giddy, free-falling sensation that you get while riding roller coasters, or the feeling of being buzzed after having one too many shots of whiskey. It’s both exciting and nauseating all at once.
You pause for a moment, thinking long and hard about this. Xigbar, although laid-back and carefree on the surface, is a lot more dangerous and ruthless than he wants others to think. At least that’s what you believe. While you don’t know the older man very well, you’ve seen glimpses of his true nature before, from the way he didn’t so much as bat an eye when the other members were wiped out as Castle Oblivion, to the way he casually talks about how he doesn’t care how many people the Organization needs to take out in order to achieve their goals. Nobodies don’t have hearts, and by default, it’s not unheard of for your teammates, or even yourself, to feel indifferent towards traumatic or tragic occurrences. But somehow you find yourself wondering if he’d still be as cold and uncaring towards others even if he did have a heart.
Owing a man like him a debt could mean trouble. He won’t go easy on you just because you’re a girl.
But for some reason, the very thought intrigues you.
"Well, as long as you swear on your life not to ever breathe a word to anyone about this, especially Saix, then I'd be willing to do anything you tell me to,” you begin before quickly backpedaling. “Well, maybe not anything...I won't jump off a bridge or run up to Xemnas and punch him in the face. As long as your demand doesn’t have fatal consequences that could end up getting me hurt or killed, I’ll do it."
Xigbar is unusually quiet for a moment as he ponders your offer. It’s clear he’s wondering just how serious you are about this, but maybe he doesn’t realize just how desperate you are to keep Saix from finding out you have a schoolgirl crush on him. You have already accepted he would never return your affections in a million years, but you can’t bear the thought of Saix looking at you in disgust. As of right now, he seems to be almost proud of your progress as the newest member of the Organization, and he even praises you on occasion for how many Heartless you’ve defeated and how much valuable intel you’ve gathered about the different worlds you’ve traversed on your missions. If he knew you liked him, knew you wrote erotic poems about him, he would never treat you the same way again. He’d think of you as a fool since Nobodies don’t have hearts and can’t develop actual feelings for anyone. He’d chastise you for stupidly believing you have real emotions, and he might even consider punishing you by giving you endless paperwork to fill out or by making you get on your hands and knees to scrub the castle clean from top to bottom. You might like Saix, but you also know just how much of a hard ass he can be. You’ve seen him tear into Demyx and even Axel before, and it’s not a pretty sight.
"I don't think you realize the power you're giving me here, sweetheart. I’d never do anything to hurt a sweet little thing like you, if that’s what you’re worried about, but I could ask you to do a lot of embarrassing things, if I really wanted to," Xigbar reminds you, his arm loosely draping across the back of the couch. You feel a light touch against the back of your head as he lightly brushes his fingertips against your silky hair in a taunting manner.
For some strange reason, you don’t pull away from his featherlight touch, even as you pout. You puff up your cheeks like a pufferfish, narrowing your gaze at him "Well, what could be more embarrassing than my crush finding out I wrote poems about him?!”
Xigbar laughs again, finding your pouty expression to be completely and utterly adorable. You don’t behave like a child in front of anyone else but him, and he revels in the fact that he’s the only one that can get this far under your skin.
His smirk never leaves his face even as his voice dips into a serious tone. "Oh, trust me, I can think of quite a few things that would be far more embarrassing than that; however, I think I have the perfect thing in mind. But first, I need to confirm if you are really willing to do anything for me not to tell." He places a strong emphasis on his words, and it makes you a little uneasy.
You’re unsure if you know what you’re getting yourself into here. This is Xigbar, after all. He’s not exactly known to be merciful, and he’s been a constant bully to you since day one. But he wouldn’t go too far, would he? You know it’s not a good idea to give him too much power over you before he orders you to do something like performing a humiliating dance during one of the Organization meetings or have you walk around the castle in nothing but your underwear for a day.
But those would still be better options than having Saix find out about your erotic poems…
"Okay...Here are some ground rules then,” you say, holding up a hand to halt whatever mischievous ideas he has cooking up in that demented head of his. “Don't make me do anything embarrassing in front of Saix. Or Xemnas. Better yet...Don't make me do anything embarrassing in front of any of the other members, and you have yourself a deal."
He contemplates the rules you’ve put in place, pretending to think long and hard about your offer, before he finally concedes. "Alright, sweetheart. I guess that's fair...No embarrassing things in front of your precious Saix, or anyone else. So, just to clarify, you're willing to do anything I ask, as long as it's something done in private and just between the two of us?"
His cheeky grin is gone and you’re already dreading what he has in store for you. But what's the worst he could possibly do? Have you complete some boring task like cleaning his room or running an errand for him? Take over some of his missions for him so he can slack off in his room all day? Do all his weekly reports for him? Or maybe he wants to use some of his powers on you again to watch you struggle for his own twisted amusement, like warping you around the room in his portals or making you defy gravity until you’re hanging upside down from the ceiling again like a helpless pinata?
The possibilities are endless, but you’ve already decided there is literally nothing worse than Saix discovering your secret. "Stop beating around the bush and just tell me what you want from me already,” you growl, annoyed that he’s delaying the inevitable.
Xigbar chuckles under his breath, clearly enjoying your willingness to agree to his request even though you don’t have even an inkling of an idea of what he wants from you.
"Well, I have the perfect little thing I want you to do for me...but you have to follow my directions to a T, sweetheart. No questioning, no backtalking, no running away. Understood?"
You raise a brow in suspicion. Just what is this bastard planning?
"Okay, fine...But if I follow through with your instructions, you have to swear on your life you'll never breathe a word about my crush on Saix to anyone. And if I find out you did..." You’re just about to threaten him until you realize it’s pointless since your threats have never once fazed him. You’ve lost count of how many times you’ve threatened to beat the shit out of him with your Keyblade, or promised to shave his hair bald with an electric razor while he’s sleeping if he didn’t leave you alone, and not once did your threats deter him from bothering you. Although maybe one day you might actually make good on the threat to shave his head. Maybe being a cueball would knock his ego down a few notches.
After giving a resigned sigh, you shrug your shoulders. "Fine. No questioning, backtalking, or running off. Got it. Just get on with it, hotshot."
Xigbar is already enjoying this little game he's come up with. He leans back for a second to admire you from a distance, before that foxlike smirk appears on his face once again.
"You have nothing to worry about. I'm a man of my word, sweetheart. If you do whatever I say, I won’t tell a soul. Not now, not ever.” He tells you, his eye never leaving your form. “Now, just relax, and follow my directions. The first thing you have to do is take off your coat. You don’t need it for this, and it will only get in the way.”
You want to ask why he wants you to take off your signature hooded coat, but you remember he had specified that you’re not allowed to question him. You wonder if he’s going to make you stand on your head for a few minutes or do a ridiculous dance routine that would make your coat get in the way, so you stand up from the couch just to slide it off your shoulders and lay it on the back of the couch. Underneath your cloak is a black tank top that snugly hugs your curves and a pair of loosely fitted black shorts. You always wear pants when you’re on missions, but whenever you’re lounging around in the castle at night, shorts are more comfortable.
Xigbar seems pleased you haven't attempted to question him yet, so he moves on. “Now sit up straight and don't cross your arms. I need you to sit completely motionless."
You blink a few times in confusion. What is he getting at? You still don't dare to ask anything as you set your journal down on the coffee table beside the couch. You then sit up straight, square your shoulders, and remain as still as possible, much to his excitement.
Xigbar gives you an approving nod as he relishes how obedient you are right now. "Good girl. And here I thought you didn’t know how to follow directions.” He chooses to ignore the steely glare you steer in his direction. He said no backtalking, but he didn’t say you couldn’t give him nasty looks. “Now, close your eyes. And don't open them until I say so. Understand?"
The compliment he gives you—good girl—causes a shiver to run down your spine. You try to ignore it, knowing he’s just trying to make you blush, but it’s working. Sometimes it’s just not fair how deep and husky his voice can drop, and you hate how it makes your whole body flush with heat.
“You still haven’t closed your eyes yet,” he reminds you, pretending to look at an imaginary watch on his wrist. “Chop, chop. We can’t move onto the next thing until you close your curious little dolly eyes.”
He can tell he’s making you nervous, and he seems delighted by the notion. You wonder what he could possibly be scheming that he doesn’t want you to see. Is he going to use his powers on you again? Or…do something else to you?
“Come on, princess. Close your eyes,” he encourages you with a hint of impatience, leaving you no choice but to oblige as you shut your eyelids. You remain still, although a bit stiff, feeling both concerned and anxious about what he has in store for you.
Once you obey his request and he sees that your eyes are closed, Xigbar moves a little closer to you on the couch. You’re hyper aware of his presence, knowing that he’s settling in next to you with one arm now draped over your shoulder instead of the back of the couch. Normally, you’d shove his arm off right away, but you know better than to attempt something like that right now. This is just part of buying his silence, you tell yourself, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact you’ve always secretly enjoyed his warmth whenever he slings one of his muscular arms around you.
"Now, the most important thing I want you to do is just to relax, okay? I'm not going to hurt you...In fact, I think you'll find this to be quite enjoyable." His voice is softer than usual, and with his arm across your shoulder, you can smell the delicate scent of his cologne, but you’re having a hard time placing what it is. Is it sandalwood? Or maybe something more expensive?
"Just focus on my voice, and keep your muscles at ease,” he continues, noticing that you’re tensing up underneath his touch. “No thinking, no worrying...Just follow my voice. Got it?"
There's something unusual about this whole scenario as he speaks in a low, hushed tone. He's normally loud and obnoxious, so this feels very unlike him. It's almost impossible to relax as you try to follow his instructions and focus on his voice, but you inhale a deep breath and force your muscles to loosen up.
"Good girl.” He says to you again, his lips close to your ear, and you feel your throat tighten. Does he have to keep saying that? “Just keep breathing...Just like that. Don't even think about opening your eyes. Your only focus should be on my voice. That’s an order, sweetheart.”
Is this some kind of sick joke? How can he possibly expect you to relax at a time like this? He’s whispering so seductively in your ear, and all you can think about is what he plans to do next. Is he going to start tickling you, making you scream and cry until you go blue in the face? Or maybe he has something far more sinister in mind, like dropping a handful of spiders down your shirt?
You begin to squirm, the building anxiety becoming a little too much. You don’t trust him. He’s your worst enemy in this godforsaken place. You know he’s going to do something scary, or possibly even painful, despite his earlier reassurances.
Xigbar tries not to laugh out loud, noticing that you’re having trouble keeping still. He decides it's time to kick things up a notch, his words becoming even calmer and quieter.
"I said relax, sweetheart. Just sit nice and still. I’m not going to hurt you. I swear on my life…"
With one arm still wrapped around your shoulder, he reaches over and places his other hand gently on your leg, his fingers slowly beginning to gently trace small, circular patterns on your thigh. As his gloved hand caresses your bare thigh, you flinch and release a startled gasp. Your eyes, however, remain closed. Just as he wanted.
He smirks to himself, knowing you weren’t expecting something like this. His hand continues to trace small circles on your bare skin, testing the waters. He thinks you’ll snap at any moment, ready to fill his ears with threats of violence for daring to touch you so intimately.
But you don’t move a muscle. How…unexpected.
"You're doing very well, sweetheart. I’m impressed. Now just keep being still,” he instructs, his voice rich like honey. You never knew Xigbar was even capable of having such a velvety voice since he always talks like a surfer dude or teenage skateboarder, but the way he whispers so intimately against your ear is making you swoon.
Swoon? No. Impossible. Xigbar does not make you swoon. He makes you scream. He makes you cry. He makes you gag. So why are you practically melting by the sound of his sultry voice? And why the hell haven’t you shoved his hand away from your leg yet?!
“X-Xig…” You practically croak out his name, but he abruptly shushes you.
“Shhhh, keep your mouth shut. Whatever you do, don’t open your eyes, speak, or even move. You don't want to ruin the surprise, now do you, Y/N?"
He never uses your name. It’s always “sweetheart” this, “princess” that. You unexpectedly make a noise that sounds almost like a whimper, the suspense finally getting to you. You don't know what he's doing or why he's touching you...Or maybe you secretly do. And it’s just easier to play dumb. You’re not ready to admit to yourself why you haven’t jumped off the couch yet or why your stomach is bubbling with excitement. Either way, you don’t dare make any sudden movements and you don’t even consider trying to stop him. Not until you know for sure what he’s planning to do…
Xigbar is both surprised and pleased by the soft noises you’re making just from having your thigh touched. Despite your nervous body language, he can tell you’re intrigued by his actions, interested to see where he is going with this. He completely pulls away for a moment, only to bring his gloved hand to your lips. His index finger gently caresses your lower lip as he gives you your next command.
“Bite down.”
His voice leaves no room for argument, and you hesitantly open your mouth just to take his finger in between your teeth, biting down gently. With your teeth holding the leathery fabric in place, he’s able to pull his hand free from his glove. The glove hangs out of your mouth only momentarily before he pulls it away from you, setting it down on the coffee table beside your journal.
His hand returns to your thigh, his leather glove no longer blocking him from feeling the warmth of your bare skin. He slides his hand further up your inner thigh, his fingers tracing the soft skin there, and he feels your body tense up beneath his touch.
"Almost there, sweetheart. You're doing so well,” he praises you, and for once there’s not an ounce of mockery hidden in his tone. “Just keep listening to my voice...and relax."
Your head feels like it's going to explode. Where is he moving his hand to? It's all the way up your thigh, inching dangerously close to your--
"W-Wait a second!” You blurt out, finally breaking your silence as you clamp your hand down over his, preventing it from journeying any further. You keep your eyes closed, mostly because you’re too nervous to look him in the eye. You can picture his expression perfectly in your mind, and you know you couldn’t bear to see his snarky smirk as he basks in the glory of the effect he’s having on you.
He notices the nervous tone in your voice, and he loves it. “Move your hand away, babe. That’s an order.”
Your palm is trembling as it rests atop his, and it makes you acutely aware of just how much larger his hand is compared to yours. You don’t know what you should do, but the authority in his voice makes you feel inclined to obey his commands, even as your gut warns you to jump up and walk away.
“Y/N,” he says your name again. “Move your hand away now. If you don’t, I’m going to get up from this couch and march right on over to Saix’s bedroom, and there will be nothing you can do to stop me from telling him everything I learned tonight.”
You suck in a deep breath of air, eyes still closed, your pulse drumming with anxiety. How Xigbar can speak so sweetly to you one second and so firmly the next is leaving you reeling with a mix of worry and excitement, and you hate yourself for feeling the latter. But soon, you follow his orders and slide your hand away from his, cursing yourself for being so weak. You’ve never had a problem standing up to the Freeshooter before, so why is now any different?
“There we go. See? I knew you’d make the right decision.” He moves his hand a little higher up until his fingers brush against the hem of your black shorts. His touch instantly pulls another whimper from your lips, and you quickly bite down on your cheek to silence yourself.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?” He asks in a teasing voice as he shifts the arm he has draped around your shoulder so he can start petting the back of your hair like you’re a dog or something. “You seem a little tense. I told you to relax, didn’t I? You can trust me.”
No. No, you can’t trust him. This is a prank. It has to be. He's just testing you; that is the only logical explanation for this little charade. You keep your eyes sealed shut, trying to remain as still possible as you tell yourself he's not really going to do anything; that he's not really going to move his hand any further up than it already is. Xigbar has always been a flirt with a dirty mind, but he’s never tried to actually cop a feel. Even a dirty old man like him has boundaries and knows what lines not to cross with his subordinates. It’s a game to him. Just a game and nothing more. He wants to see if you’ll scream and pull away, and if you do, it means you didn't do what he told you to do...And he can tell Saix your secret.
On the other hand, you fear what Xigbar will do if you don’t push him away. You can almost picture his arrogant laugh. ‘Ha! Did you really think I’d ever touch a bratty girl like you that way? Man! You’re such a dirty girl! You’re so dumb for thinking I’d ever want to do anything physical with you!’ No matter what way you look at it, it’s a lose-lose situation for you. If you pull away, he wins. If you don’t pull away, you might win, but he’ll get to make fun of you for the rest of your life. Your hands clutch the couch on either side of you as you try to process the situation and predict his next move.
“It’s okay, sweetheart. You don’t have to be scared.” His voice tries to coax you from your disgruntled thoughts, but it’s no use. His plan won’t work unless you find a way to calm down. “Just breathe, okay? Breathe…”
You choose to remain still and try your hardest not to react or move a muscle. Your jaw is clenched tightly, waiting for the jig to finally be up. Any moment now, he's going to stop, mock you with that stupid grin of his, and burst into laughter. He will call you stupid for even entertaining the idea that he'd seriously try to molest you...That's just how he is...
…Right?
Xigbar is analyzing every single one of your reactions. Your clenched jaw, your stiffened shoulders, the way you’re digging your nails into the couch cushion…The sight of it is just too much for him. He can practically sense your panic over the situation, questioning what he's really going to do, wondering when he’ll pull his hand away and tell you this is all just one, big, silly joke.
But he has no intention of stopping. No pranks, no teasing, no laughter. He's dead serious, and he’s ready to prove it to you. He wants to prepare you for what’s next, but if you do end up pulling away, he’ll relent if he must. His hand inches just a little higher, his fingers gently sliding underneath the edge of your shorts
You try to remain impassive. You want to pretend you’re unbothered by his actions and that you know he's only messing with you. It’s like a game of chicken—who will back away first? But once you feel his fingers slide into the fabric of your short shorts, just barely brushing against your smooth mound, you twitch lightly and clench your knees tightly shut, preventing him from going further.
"Xigbar." You say his name again, this time it’s laced with a warning. You’re not wearing any panties underneath your shorts; you never do. The leather material is uncomfortable enough when you’re fighting as it tends to ride up in the back, and undergarments would only make it even worse; an absolute, sensory nightmare. Had you known; however, that someone would be sliding their hand under your shorts, you might have reconsidered the decision to go commando today.
The way you say his name firmly makes Xigbar snicker under his breath. "What’s the matter, babe? Starting to reconsider our little deal?”
"This...This..." Your voice trembles despite the fact you want to sound confident in yourself. "This is too cruel, even for you, Xigbar...Why are you doing this?" Even with your knees clamped shut, the older man doesn’t pull his hand away.
"Now, now, sweetheart...I don't remember asking you to talk.” He reminds you as he leans in a little closer until his lips brush against your ear again, his fingers slowly moving a bit further underneath your shorts even as you try to block his path by keeping your thighs clamped tightly shut. “You're supposed to be in a state of relaxation, remember? You're not allowed to think or worry about this. You're just supposed to accept it...and keep your eyes closed..."
You part your lips, ready to finally protest his actions. “Xigbar—”
“Spread your legs,” he orders into your ear, his voice authoritative. “Do it now. I’m not fucking around, princess.”
His commanding tone makes your pulse quicken, but not out of fear…but in arousal. You’re used to Xigbar being the laid-back, casual prankster, but he’s never ordered you around like this. It’s strange. It’s intimidating.
It’s hot.
You give into his request, unclamping your thighs as you spread your knees apart. Not once have you opened your eyes since this little game began, but not seeing his reaction is driving you wild.
“See?” He flicks his tongue out along the shell of your ear, making you nearly squeak like a tiny mouse as the wet sensation startles you. “That wasn’t so hard, now was it?”
His hand finally makes direct contact with your sensitive skin, spreading your folds and lightly brushing against your delicate clit. Your back stiffens as another gasp escapes your lips.
You nervously begin to speak, struggling to process the whole scenario. “X-Xigbar, this isn’t right! I can’t let you touch me like this. It’s wrong!”
Xigbar lets out a dark chuckle as he hears your words. A decent man might’ve pulled his hand away at your verbal revoke of consent, but Xigbar has never been a decent man in his entire life. “I don’t remember giving you permission to speak, babygirl.”
He notices your body is trembling against his touch, and he knows that you must be trying so hard to fight back the urge to push him away. The tip of his index finger starts tracing small circles around your clit, getting acquainted with just how wet you are despite telling him to stop.
“You have two choices here,” he says after a moment, his finger still stroking your center. “You can get up from this couch and walk away, and we’ll never speak of this again. Or…You can succumb to me and see what happens. The choice is yours, Y/N. I won’t force you to stay…But if you do decide to stay, I expect you’ll keep following my orders. Do I make myself clear?”
“If I leave,” you pant heavily, trying to ignore the heat building inside of you from his teasing touch. “Will you tell Saix my secret?”
“Maybe I will,” Xigbar responds casually. “Or maybe I won’t. Care to find out? You can walk away at any time.”
This is blackmail. Extortion. Unforgiveable. Atrocious. Disgusting. But it’s also thrilling. Intense. Exciting. Erotic.
Fuck, why do you feel so conflicted about this?
“What’s it going to be, babe?” His words cut through your thoughts.
You can no longer think straight as Xigbar's finger begins to tease your pearl with feathery light strokes, but all you can picture is Saix's face right now. He'd be so disappointed to see you like this; probably even disgusted with you for wanting to see just how far Xigbar is willing to take things. You tell yourself that the reason you’re not getting up and walking away is because you’re afraid of your secret leaking, but you know it’s not true. You know that’s not why you’re choosing to stay.
Xigbar can see the moral struggle on your face even with your eyes closed as you wrestle with the idea of pushing him away. He can see how torn you are by your feelings for Saix, but he knows you’re enjoying this. He knows you don’t want him to stop. He continues to rub your clit, his touch gentle but deliberate as he watches your spread your legs even more to give him easier access.
His cock instantly throbs at the sight. You’re giving into him. You’re actually giving into him.
"That's right, sweetheart. You don't want Saix to find out what's happening right now, do you? Of course you don't...so just keep relaxing. Keep listening to my voice...Keep being my good girl, and I’ll make it worth your while."
You hate Xigbar. He's an asshole. He's always bullying you, teasing you, making fun of you...So why does his hand feel so good on you right now?
"Why are you doing this, Xigbar...? You and I hate each other," you breathe out, your back reflexively arching as you find yourself leaning into his touch.
Xigbar can’t resist letting out a short laugh, thoroughly entertained by how contradictory your tone has become. You say that you hate him, that you’re practically enemies in this place, yet you’re opening your legs for him, needing and craving more of his touch. He finds it endearing, even a little cute.
"Hate you? I don't hate you, sweetheart...I never have,” he explains, one hand playing with your sensitive little pussy while his other hand continues to comb through your hair in a sweet, affectionate manner. “And as for why I'm doing this? Let's just say I got curious about exactly how far you'd let me take this. And I have to say...I'm pleasantly surprised. You're doing better than I expected."
"You're not giving me a choice! Saix, he...He...He can’t know I like him! That’s…That’s all there is to this, and…and…" Your words are interrupted as he leaves your clit alone to slide two of his fingers near your entrance, lightly pressing inside of you. You bite down on your lower lip, squirming a bit more on the couch before you feel him push his fingers all the way inside.
“Ahhhh, Xigbar!” You cry out, your walls tightening around his touch.
Your whines are like music to his ears. He nibbles on your ear again, loving how responsive you are to everything he’s doing. He tugs lightly on your hair, encouraging you to lean your back against the sofa so he can plunge his fingers into your tight heat a little deeper.
“You’re so tight, babygirl. Is this your first time being fingered like this? I can barely slide my fingers all the way down to my knuckles. I bet you’ve never had a cock inside this sweet cunt, either.”
You can’t bring yourself to answer him, instead falling back to a more pressing topic. “You…You can’t tell Saix. You can’t tell him about my crush on him, or what you’re doing to me…Please…Please don’t tell him…”
Your reactions are so delicious, and Xigbar’s own breathing becomes labored as he works you with a slow, rhythmic pace. Watching you try so desperately to rationalize what's happening right now is almost humorous. It’s like you refuse to admit this is what you wanted from him all along.
"Sure, whatever you say, darlin’. You’re only letting me do this to keep your secret,” he scoffs, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “This is all about Saix and has nothing to do with how badly you want me. How sexually frustrated you’ve been. How you have always been secretly wanting me to make the first move this whole time. Keep telling yourself all that, sweetheart, and maybe you’ll actually believe it in the morning.”
"I'm not 'letting' you do anything! You're the one forcing me to...Mmmph...." You can barely speak anymore. He clearly has experience and knows exactly where to touch you to bring you the most pleasure. The way his fingers pump in and out of you feels better than anything you’ve ever experienced.
“What was that, babe? I can’t hear you. You’ll need to speak a little more clearly and stop mewling like a kitten.” His hand stops moving but his fingers remain buried in your slickness. The loss of friction makes you feel disappointed, and you can’t help but wiggle your hips and try to push against his hand, silently asking him to continue.
But Xigbar doesn’t move. He’s waiting for you to speak. To say something about how you’re feeling right now.
"No one has ever...I mean, I've never done...I'm still a...virgin," You finally tell him, barely able to form a coherent sentence right now. You want to kill him for this, but you also know how much you don’t want him to stop no matter what. “M-Maybe I am a little sexually frustrated…and maybe I’ve been curious what it would feel like. Maybe a part of me has been needing to be touched by someone, since I already know Saix would never want to…”
Your words only further confirm what he already thought. He's the first person to touch you like this.
You’re in your twenties, yet you’ve never been touched by a man before. He can only guess what kind of boring life you led before becoming a Nobody if you still have your innocence at this age, but he’s actually relieved to hear it. It’s going to make claiming you all the more satisfying.
“No wonder you’re already so fucking wet. I mean, I’ve barely gotten started and you’re already on the verge of cumming. This is all so new to you…It must be so scary, but also so thrilling,” he speaks in a breathy manner against your ear, but you can almost hear the amusement in his voice as his fingers start gliding into you once more, only a little harder and faster this time. “You’re such a dirty girl, Y/N. I always had a feeling you had a wild side hidden within you…I was just waiting for the perfect chance to finally bring it to the surface. But trust me, babe. I know more about pleasing a woman than that stuck-up prick Saix ever would. You made the right decision letting me be the first one to break you open. Saix wouldn’t even know what to do if you came onto him, so I’m a much better choice.”
He talks way too much for your liking, but his filthy words only add to your arousal, and you know your resistance has completely faded. You do want this. You’ve always wanted this. The only thing that kept you from saying anything or acting on any impulses with him was your pride. You didn’t want to feed his ego and give him a reason to feel superior over you. He may be hot as hell, but he was still an arrogant prick. Giving that hot, arrogant prick any ammo over you would just make you an easy target for more bullying, more harassment…
And what about Saix? Wasn’t he supposed to be the object of your affection?
"Sh-Shut up..." You pout, your hands still gripping on tightly to the couch on either side of you. "If you don’t talk, I can just keep my eyes closed and picture it’s Saix doing this to me instead of you.”
Xigbar's sadistic laughter stops almost immediately upon hearing your words. He's actually a little speechless at your audacity to suggest you’d rather imagine someone else is doing this to you; that it’s Saix who’s turning you into a hot, horny mess. In fact, for a few seconds, he even feels a strange, burning stream of jealousy coursing through his veins.
"Is that so?” He growls, irritation evident in his voice. “You’ll fantasize about Saix finger-fucking you, even though I’m the one who’s got this pussy drenched? And you would dare to mention that while I've got you just on the edge of the most mind-blowing orgasm of your life? That's ballsy, even for you, sweetheart."
He starts pounding his fingers into you a little rougher, and you can't tell if you love it or hate it. You then feel him use his other hand to reach up and grab a fistful of your hair, tilting your head back and causing you to wince in pain.
"Oh? Did I hit a nerve, Freeshooter?" You say with a smirk, your eyes still tightly closed. You know you just dealt a subtle blow to his ego, and it gives you a rush of confidence. "Honestly, I'd rather anyone be doing this to me right now besides you...But at least I don't have to look at you while you make me finish. I can tune out your voice and picture Saix so vividly..."
Xigbar feels a pang of annoyance and a sense of possessiveness as he hears you say how you would rather let anyone else do this to you than him. Something about the smirk on your pretty little face only further fuels his irritation as his hand grips a little bit tighter on your hair.
"Newsflash, sweetheart…Saix isn’t here.” A low, dangerous growl escapes from the back of his throat. "So why don't you open your damn eyes and look at the one who is here?"
His hand is tangled deep in your hair in a painful matter, but something about the way he's roughly manhandling you is only making the fire burn brighter inside of you. His other hand never stops working you, never breaking the perfect rhythm and speed, until you’re almost whimpering against him. You know you can’t tune him out. Hell, you don’t even want to, but you’re just too damn prideful for your own good. And it’s going to end up being the death of you.
"N-No...I'm not going to look at you," you tell him firmly. “I want to picture Saix when I finish…He’s the one I want. Not you.”
Xigbar feels even more fired up from your defiant tone, his irritation only growing in intensity. He's used to you being a smartass, but he's never had a woman flat-out tell him she was going to picture another man’s face in her mind while he was performing sexual acts on her. He feels as if you’re actively trying to rile him up, purposely trying to piss him off…and you’re doing a damn good job of it.
"You will open your eyes, sweetheart. I'm not asking you anymore. Open. Them. Now."
He pounds fingers into you just a bit harder, your heat contracting around him as you start to feel dizzy from the pressure building within you. You claim that you want to picture Saix right now, to pretend that it’s Saix that fingering your tight walls, but you can't. You’re too aware that it's Xigbar, the guy you usually hate more than anything. And for some reason, you love it even more.
You’re so close to the edge, so close to cumming on his hand, that you finally give in and slowly open your eyes, only to see his one, golden eye staring back at you. One look into his eye, into the animalistic heat within his steely gaze, is all you need to finally hit your limit.
Neither of you break eye contact as you cry out in desperation, your body shuddering from the intensity of your orgasm. Xigbar’s jaw is clenched tightly as he watches you ride out your ecstasy, your cheeks flushed as you grind yourself on his hand to amplify your climax. The look in your eyes is something he’s never seen from you before. Is it lust...or anger? Or both? He's almost certain he's never heard any woman sound that desperate before in the heat of passion, not even back in the old days when he'd had a different woman in his bed every night.
Only he could make you come undone like that. Only he could leave you a whining, almost sobbing mess as you come down from your high.
He keeps his fingers buried within you, loving the way your body keeps spasming even after he’s already stopped. You keep your eyes locked on his face, your lips parted softly as you struggle to steady your breathing and regain you composure.
You look like you’re about to faint, so he loosens his grip in your hair before leaning in to drop a chaste kiss against your forehead. "Are you alright there, sweetheart? Did you enjoy that...?"
"I...I fucking hate you, Xigbar...So much.”
Xigbar laughs loudly again at your words, amused by the exhaustion and frustration in your tone. He pulls his hand away from inside your shorts and brings his fingers up to his mouth to taste you, enjoying the sight of you so unraveled at his mercy.
"Hate me? As if, sweetheart. You climaxed just from looking at my gorgeous face. I wouldn't exactly call that 'hatred'..."
The afterglow doesn’t last long. Your cheeks flush even darker as you watch him lick your essence off his fingers, and you quickly withdraw yourself from him. Your knees clamp shut as you scoot to the opposite end of the couch, your eyes now glued to your lap as you process what just occurred here on this couch. "I...I'll never forgive you for this..." You finally say after a moment, the guilt and shame of giving into him finally setting in.
Xigbar keeps licking his fingers clean, thoroughly enjoying the conflicting emotions written all over your pretty little face. He leans back in his seat on the couch next to you, crossing one leg over the other. He’s never felt so proud of himself in his entire life.
"Never forgive me, huh? That's rich, coming from you. And I hate to break it to you, but you gave into me very easily, sweetheart. I would say you’ve been wanting something like this to happen for a long time."
You turn to glare at him, this time with tears in your eyes. Hot, angry, devastated tears. You jump up from the couch, adjust your clothing, and point an accusing finger in his direction. "You know why I hate you so much?! It's because you treat others like they're nothing but toys to you! You've done nothing but mess with my head since I first got here! Do you get off on hurting people?! You're...You're despicable! Don't ever speak to me again, Xigbar!”
Xigbar simply sits there in stunned silence as he watches you jump up from the couch. “H-Hold on a second there, babe…" Your furious tears, your accusations, your pain... All of it hits him like a tidal wave. “It isn’t like that—"
“Fuck it all! Go tell Saix about my stupid crush on him! I don't even care anymore!" You can’t bear to be in the same room as Xigbar any longer as you snatch up your coat, turn on your heels, and rush out of the Gray Area. The only thing that matters is getting away from him, and you leave in such a hurry that you don't even realize you have left your private journal sitting on the coffee table.
All your silly little poems about Saix are in that journal. So are all of your laments about how much you miss your family and your home, how exhausted you are from fighting Heartless after Heartless, and you don’t know how much more of this lifestyle you can take. But there are also entries about other people in the Organization; people that aren’t Saix.
There are just as many entries in your journal about Xigbar as there are about Saix. While there are no beautiful, eloquent poems about how you want to bathe in the moonlight with Xigbar, each entry is still incriminating in its own way. Page after page is full of rants about how much you hate his stupid, irresistibly sexy face and how you don't know if you want to strangle him or kiss him most days. Probably both. At the same time.
He watches as you stomp out of the Gray Area before his amber eye falls on the journal you had left behind. For once in his life, he feels almost remorseful. That wasn’t exactly how he had planned for things to go. He had hoped that if he teased you a little bit, got you all nice and worked up for him, you’d finally confess the one thing that’s been on both of your minds since the moment you first met…
You’d finally confess that you want him just as badly as he wants you. You would stop pretending that you hate the attention he always showered you with, and he could stop pretending that you’re just a fun way to pass his boredom. And once everything was laid bare, the two of you would fall into bed in a heap of passion, just like he had been fantasizing about since the first time you called him an asshole.
Instead, you seem to have gotten it in your head that he had just shoved his hand down your shorts to bully you; that he was just fucking around with you for some sick entertainment. That was never his intention. He just wanted to get to you first, to have you become his before the other guys in the group realized what a catch you are and set their sights on you. What if Saix did have a little bit of thing for you? If he ever knew you’ve been always sitting there so patiently, just waiting for him to notice you and give you some attention, then it’d be over for Xigbar. He’d lose his chance to have you. He’d lose everything.
The Freeshooter keeps his gaze on the journal, knowing he should give it back to you and explain himself. It’s not too late to tell you the truth, to tell you that he’s been crazy about you since the first time you glared at him with those shimmering, enchanting eyes of yours. Maybe he could sway you to give up your crush on Saix; that deep down, you know you’d rather be with him instead. Even though you always scoff at him and roll your eyes at him, Xigbar has managed to make you laugh before. A real, genuine laugh. He knows your silly little banter is a good distraction for you and helps ease the pressure from being in Organization XIII where you’re always on the battlefield and risking your life to collect hearts for Xemnas. All this time he’s just wanted you to forget about your everyday struggles and feel seen, but he had been going about it the wrong way this whole time.
And he knows it. You’re not like the other women he tried to charm back in his younger years, and he should have tried to win you over properly. But that’s just not his style. Years of immortality had done a number on him, and he’s convinced he doesn’t even know how to do romance anymore. All he knows is how to lie and manipulate others to get them into bed. And he was foolish to think he could manipulate you, too, without having any consequences…
Xigbar runs a hand through his long hair as he hangs his head in defeat. He really fucked up. If you didn’t hate him before, you sure as hell did now. He reaches over and picks up your journal, already mulling over what kind of apology he should give you to sound the sincerest.
However, the temptation to just get up and give you back your journal without him taking a quick peak first is too strong to resist. He grabs it and opens it, flipping through each page with a curious eye. There’s poem after poem about Saix, but there’s also pages about someone else.
Pages about him.
Xigbar can’t tear his eye away from the notebook, reading each and every entry you wrote about how you much you both hate and love him. Well, you never specifically write the word ‘love’, but he can feel it through every sentence you write about him, from the way you talk about how much his smirk makes you melt, to the way his voice makes you convinced that you just might still have a heart beating somewhere in that empty chest cavity of yours.
He's almost speechless at first, feeling completely shocked and a little overwhelmed.
He had no idea that you had been secretly writing about him, detailing how you felt about him, how frustrated you were since you were convinced he was just toying with you. There are so many pages where you try to tell yourself that you’ll never fall for a conniving prick like Xigbar since he is utterly incapable of caring about anything other than himself.
It’s clear you don’t know how he really thinks about you, and why he teases you so much. But how could you? Xigbar knows he’s not exactly known for being an honest, upstanding guy. You probably misconstrued his flirtations and constant advances as a trick, even though the only thing he ever thinks about at night is how badly he wants to hold you in his arms and feel the warmth of your body against his.
And then, Xigbar sees one last entry...one that seems to be more recent than the others. In fact, it looks like it was just written earlier that morning…
“I don’t know how much longer I can hold myself back around Xigbar. I’ve tried putting distance between us. I’ve tried yelling at him, cussing at him, threatening him… But he just never leaves me alone. If he were to ask me to forget about Saix, I would do it in a heartbeat. If he were to ask me to run away with him, I’d follow him anywhere. If he were to ask me to do anything he wanted, I’d give him everything he could want and more… He’ll never know just how much power he has over me. I just wish he saw me as something more than a means to ease his boredom; more than just a toy or a doll to play with. I just wish he saw me…for me.”
Xigbar closes the journal. He’s read more than enough to know what’s really been going through your mind this whole time. Your little crush on Saix is nothing compared to your forbidden desire and longing for the Freeshooter.
Now the real fun can begin.