Chapter Text
Everyone dreams of finding "the one." But what happens when you do, only to realize it's not the right time?
New York, 2024
Shelby was moving again. It was a task she loathed, something that gnawed at her sense of stability and security. She had always craved a stable home, a haven of consistency, but lately, change had become a relentless force in her life. This was the fifth time she had packed up and relocated in six years, and the burden was wearing her down—physically, yes, but more profoundly, mentally and emotionally.
Box after box was stacked and labeled, each item a fragment of a life she was now leaving behind. This move wasn’t just about changing addresses; it was about closing a chapter that had been both the brightest and darkest of her life. What was once a golden period now felt like a painful farewell to something precious.
The process was excruciating. Shelby knew this was irreversible. Returning to her old town meant abandoning the pinnacle of her career and, more heartbreakingly, leaving behind the people who had marked her journey. It meant letting go of the most special person she had ever known—the person who had helped her understand herself, who had shown her what true, unconditional love was, her ex girlfriend, Toni.
It would be dishonest to say she didn't think about her ex every single day. The memories were like a persistent echo, pulling her back to the moments they shared—the TV shows they binge-watched, the songs that played on repeat, their favorite foods, the places they frequented together. The absence felt like a gaping void that grew larger with every night she spent alone. Her empty, cold bed seemed to amplify the silence, and the stillness of the night was a cruel reminder of her loss. There was no one to hear her recount her day, no one to hold her, to offer reassurance with both words and tender gestures.
For months, her nights had become a repetitive torment. Lying in bed, the silence was suffocating, dragging her mind into a spiral of regrets and what-ifs. She replayed every moment that had gone wrong, every opportunity missed, and every aspect of her former lover that she longed for. She missed everything about her: the deep, meaningful conversations, the sound of her laughter, the warmth of her touch. God, how she missed that touch. Before Toni, Shelby had never experienced such a profound connection. Yes, she had been with others before, but none had touched her soul as deeply as Toni had. No one had combined desire with such respect, reverence, and love. And, of course, no one had understood her needs as perfectly as Toni did.
Nights were spent with her hand wandering south, hoping to catch a ghost of the warmth she once knew. She imagined Toni’s touch, trying to reclaim a fragment of the intense connection they had shared. Yet, the emptiness she felt seemed to expand, leaving her in tears, eventually crying herself to sleep.
In recent months, Shelby had managed to numb some of these overwhelming emotions. At least now she could avoid falling apart in public or at inconvenient moments when a sudden memory would resurface.
In the early days of her grief, Shelby was a shell of her former self. She barely ate, remained ensconced in her bed, turned down job offers, and spent the majority of her waking hours in tears. Her friends, mostly mutual acquaintances with Toni, often reached out, but their attempts to help were bittersweet. Whenever they managed to break through her depressive cocoon, it was usually to update her on Toni’s life, which only reopened the wounds and led her back to the painful cycle of missing her all over again.
But Shelby reached a point where she had to either get over the breakup or risk losing her sanity. With this realization, she forced herself to returned to her exercise routine, resumed work, and began spending time with her friends—provided that her ex’s name was never mentioned. She also dabbled in one-night stands, as she wasn’t ready to pursue anything serious. She consciously avoided letting her mind dwell on any intrusive thoughts, and gradually, her life seemed to regain its rhythm.
That is, until she stumbled upon the very box she had asked her friend Leah to hide—one she had hoped to never see again but never had the heart to throw it away.
As soon as Shelby's eyes locked onto the wooden cigar box, camouflaged and perched on top of her closet, her heart began to race uncontrollably. She knew all too well what was inside. In an instant, everything else faded into the background as she wove through the maze of boxes and bubble wrap from her move, carrying the box with the utmost care, as if it were a fragile relic.
Her face paled, and her breath caught in her throat. Her fingers trembled slightly as she clutched the box, her expression showed fear and determination. She paused at her bed, eyes wide and jaw set, struggling to steady her breath. The box seemed to pulsate with the weight of its contents, and she felt as though she were on the verge of unearthing Pandora's box itself.
Shelby sat down on her mattress, her legs crossed tightly as if trying to ground herself. She stared at the box with a gaze that was both contemplative and haunted, her heart pounding in her chest.
With the meticulousness of someone unwrapping a priceless artifact, Shelby slowly lifted the lid. The anticipation clawed at her insides, making her stomach churn. Inside, she found the exact contents she remembered from years ago with Toni: a collection of sexy polaroids of the two of them—some brimming with daring allure, others with tender intimacy—and a memory card.
The decision of what to do with them weighed heavily on her. Each photograph seemed to unleash a storm of memories, stirring up a powerful surge of emotions that left her feeling overwhelmed. Her eyes welled up, and a sob escaped her lips as she shut the box with a jarring finality.
“Fuck,” she whispered hoarsely to herself, eyes squeezed shut as she tried to compose herself, grappling with the flood of feelings that had been unleashed.
They had broken up nearly a year ago, but for the past six months, Shelby hadn’t dared to look at even a single photo of Toni. She had blocked her on social media, deleted—still burdened by the weight of it all—all the digital photos she had of Toni. To be honest, there were times when she regretted this decision so profoundly that it felt almost like physical pain. She had also left behind framed pictures and photos of them together in her old apartment with Toni, unsure of their fate. She assumed Toni had probably thrown them away.
And now, here she was, confronted with the most striking photos they had ever taken of each other. These were the images that left nothing to the imagination, capturing their most intimate moments with such raw passion that it almost seemed she could still feel a trace of that emotion through the photos.
Determined to resist the temptation to indulge in nostalgia and risk emotional devastation, Shelby took the box and placed it into the large cardboard box designated for disposal. She turned on loud music, trying to drown out the urge to revisit the cigar box and its contents, and forced herself to return to the laborious task of packing her belongings.
For hours, she managed to distract herself and make progress. But after a long shower and eating the delivery food she had ordered, Shelby found her thoughts drifting back to that damned box. As she lay in bed, her eyes fixed on the slow spin of the ceiling fan, she felt an overwhelming sense that she wouldn’t be able to sleep unless she faced the issue.
Soon, she found herself seated on the floor of her living room, the box cradled in her lap. She knew this would be her last look, a final farewell before she permanently discarded its contents.
With a deep, shuddering breath, Shelby opened the box. This time, she didn’t hesitate. She began to examine each photograph, her fingers trembling slightly as she turned them over. A warm blush spread from her chest up to her cheeks and then to the tips of her ears. The sensual photos of herself evoked a sense of disbelief —how had she ever dared to take such intimate pictures? But the photos of Toni were far more painful.
Shelby’s eyes welled up as she observed the way Toni’s smile was perfectly captured, the glint in her eyes that, in some photos, shimmered with desire and, in others, radiated pure love and affection. The details she had cherished about Toni’s body were now so vividly displayed, each image offering a view into a part of her life she could no longer touch or hold.
As the flood of memories and emotions washed over her, Shelby felt overwhelmed by the intensity of her feelings. The images seemed to burn themselves into her mind, each photo a poignant reminder of what she had lost. Her heart aching, her emotions raw, as she tried to gather the pieces of herself back together.
It was painful, that much was certain. But it was also a reminder of the happy times she had shared with Toni. It hadn't been forever, but what they had felt for each other was so pure and real that Shelby was fully aware of how fortunate she was to have experienced it at least once in her life. At the same time, though, she knew how unlikely it would be to find someone with whom she could feel something so strong and reciprocal again.
Once she had finished looking through the photos, only one thing remained in the box. The memory card marked "T.S," stored in a ziplock bag. And no, it wasn’t Taylor Swift content recorded on this card.
She opened the ziplock, letting the card tumble into her palm. Her fingers trembled slightly, anticipation and anxiety evident in her grip. She fidgeted with the card, her brows furrowed in thought as she chewed on her lower lip. The weight of her decision was clear in the tightness around her eyes and the way her shoulders tensed.
Watching it was bold, to say the least. Perhaps the better word was "foolish." It was a foolish idea, she knew. But it would also be a waste not to watch it one last time, wouldn't it? She had already opened the box, looked at the photos, and let the memories and feelings come flooding back. So what did she have to lose at this point?
With a deep breath, she steeled herself. Her face was a mask of resolve as she stood up, her movements deliberate despite the heaviness in her chest. She grabbed her laptop and walked to her room, her steps echoing the inner conflict she felt. Lying down on her bed, she positioned herself with her back against the headboard, the laptop resting on her legs. Her fingers were steady as she inserted the card, but her expression was tense, eyes wide with fear and anticipation.
She took another deep breath, her chest rising and falling with the effort to calm her racing heart. With a trembling hand, she clicked to open one of the videos recorded, bracing herself for whatever emotions it would unleash.
The first image that appeared on Shelby's screen was of herself, in just her underwear, lying on their old bed in their old room—where they had made so many cherished memories. Shelby’s eyes were riveted to the scene, her face showing nostalgia and apprehension.
"Are you ready for this?" Shelby was jolted by Toni’s eerily familiar voice emerging from her laptop’s speakers. Her breath hitched, and her chest tightened. Her eyes widened as her body tensed, unprepared for the rush of emotion. Though she had watched these videos with Toni before, she had forgotten many details and certainly didn’t anticipate the depth of impact from Toni’s deep, husky voice.
She paused the video, her hand trembling slightly as she reached for the touchpad.
The memory of the conversation she had with Toni years ago about doing something like this came to her mind unexpectedly. With a deep, unsteady breath, she leaned back against the headboard. Her eyes fluttered shut as she allowed the flood of memories to wash over her.
New York, 2021
“Are you sure about this?” Toni asked, her eyebrows arched in surprise but also curiosity. Her eyes widened slightly, reflecting the soft glow of the living room lights as she looked at her girlfriend. “I mean, I really had no idea you were into this, Bee. But I'm in if you are.” Toni and Shelby lay entangled on the couch, their bodies warm and relaxed after a night of bar-hopping with friends. They were a bit tipsy, and their faces glowed with the after-effects of laughter and alcohol.
Earlier at the bar, Fatin,a sassy friend of theirs, had boasted about making a sex tape with an old fling, sparking a debate among their friends about the ethics and excitement of such a venture. Toni had remained silent, observing Shelby’s quiet demeanor as she absorbed the conversation. The curiosity on Toni's face was evident when she later asked Shelby about her thoughts.
Shelby, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment and excitement, met Toni’s gaze with a thoughtful expression. “I guess it wouldn't hurt to try,” Shelby replied, her voice steady but tinged with a hint of nervousness. “If it goes wrong, we delete it and never talk about it again.” Her fingers nervously fidgeted with the edge of Toni's shirt as she spoke, betraying her apprehension.
Toni’s lips curled into a teasing smile, her eyes twinkling with amusement. “Or I could sell the video. I know they’d pay a fortune to see someone hot like you doing the things we do. Being a supermodel on top of that? That’s easy money.” Her playful tone was evident, and her eyes danced with mischief.
Shelby rolled her eyes, her face a picture of mock indignation. She shifted slightly on the couch, her fingers reaching out to lightly slap Toni’s shoulder. “You would never,” she said, her eyes narrowing in a playful glare.
Toni laughed, her eyes crinkling at the corners. “I would never,” she confirmed, her gaze softening with reassurance.
As Shelby turned to face her, despite the cramped space on the couch, her posture conveyed determination and excitement as she slipped her hand under Toni's shirt, scratching her abs with her nails lightly, making her breath hitch. Shelby smiled, pleased with her predictable reaction, bit her lip and asked through eyelashes, "So, are we doing it or not?" she asked, her voice a blend of challenge and anticipation.
Toni’s eyes darkened with desire as she locked her gaze with Shelby’s piercing green eyes. “We’re totally doing it,” she declared with conviction. She leaned in, her lips finding Shelby’s in a passionate kiss that conveyed both their excitement and affection.
New York, 2024
Shelby blinked her eyes open, jolted back from the memory that had ensnared her thoughts.
She shrugged her shoulders to ease their tension, drew in a deep breath, and gazed intently at her laptop screen, the video still paused, before pressing play once more.
"I'm ready. Come here, babe." Her own voice echoed back to her, tender and inviting, as she spoke to Toni in the video.
She had to concede that this was no ordinary amateur video. It transcended the typical home recording, turning into something nearly cinematic. Toni, with her artistic touch, had elevated the film to a new level. Armed with professional equipment—good lighting, high-quality cameras, and the eye of a talented photographer—Toni had crafted a visual masterpiece. Two cameras were employed: one mounted on a tripod, framing the bed directly, and another held by Toni, capturing the intimate close-ups. The seamless editing enhanced the experience, with each cut perfectly timed to the music, creating a fluid and captivating narrative.
The scene opens with a panoramic view of the room, captured by the stationary camera. The space is bathed in a soft ambient light, with blue neon emitting a tranquil glow that blends harmoniously with the warm pink tones. The bed, the focal point of the scene, is impeccably arranged with crisp white sheets that contrast with the dark, plush headboard, creating a striking visual harmony.
The subtle interplay of neon light colors highlights the room's textures, giving it a welcoming and almost dreamlike quality.
From the fixed camera's perspective, Toni enters the frame as she approaches the bed, dressed only in white boyshorts and a sports bra. She holds a camera in her hand, capturing intimate close-ups. As she kneels delicately on the mattress, her knees sinking slightly into the bed, she keeps the camera aimed at Shelby.
"You’re so beautiful," Shelby heard Toni’s reverent voice from behind the camera in the video, while Toni’s hand was shown gliding slowly and seductively over Shelby’s body.
The blend of wide, stable shots from the fixed camera and the intimate close-ups from the handheld camera crafted a dynamic and immersive visual narrative. It felt as if the viewer were granted an invitation to witness a private moment, artfully framed with sensitivity and grace, leaving a profound impression of beauty and intimacy.
The scene was now of the handheld camera that Toni was holding slowly rising, filming every inch of Shelby's body until it reached her face; a close-up of her full, inviting lips that slowly formed a shy smile and then moving up to her eyes that sparkled with desire and anticipation. The camera went down to her lips again, where you could see Toni's thumb now caressing her lower lips gently. From the fixed camera view it was possible to see that Toni was kneeling with one leg on each side of Shelby's body filming her from above with the other camera. Shelby's hands slowly caressing Toni's thighs.
In the background, a sensual melody played, its smooth, rhythmic tones perfectly complementing the visual intimacy of the moment.
The scene cuts to the fixed camera angle. Toni leans in to kiss Shelby, then slowly pulls back, prompting Shelby to chase the kiss. Shelby reclines once more, and the shot shifts to Toni's handheld camera perspective.
Toni films Shelby undoing the front clasp of her bra, her eyes focused on her girlfriend while opening it and exposing her breasts. Toni's hand appears in the frame again, sliding into the gap between Shelby's breasts before cupping one breast and squeezing them. Shelby could see herself on the frame closing her eyes due to the sensation, parting her lips and arching her back a little to pursue the touch.
Toni teases her for a while, before Shelby takes the camera from her, claiming it's her turn. She films lying down, pointing the camera up at
Toni, who takes her sports bra off her head throwing her a warm, knowing smile as Shelby captures the depth of their love and desire perfectly on camera.
Feeling a surge of overwhelming emotions, Shelby paused the video again. Her eyes, moist and tired, remained locked on the screen, where Toni’s gaze was piercing directly into the camera lens. Shelby could almost feel the same intensity she used to feel when Toni looked at her that way in person, her heart tightening as if no time had passed.
She forced herself to look away from Toni’s face, rubbing her eyes with trembling hands in a vain attempt to steady her emotions. A shiver ran through her, her jaw clenched as she fought back the tears. It had been a year since their breakup, yet the wound remained fresh, a constant ache that refused to heal. The realization that all her efforts to numb her feelings had been futile hit her like a cold wave—she was still hopelessly in love with her ex.
Frustration etched itself onto her features, her brows furrowing and her lips pursing as she silently chastised herself for ruining everything.
Shelby hesitated, the thought of stopping the video for good crossing her mind. It was clear it was doing her no good. Yet, the pull of seeing just a bit more of Toni, the desperate need to soothe the aching void in her heart, proved too strong. With a resigned sigh, she muttered a few words of self-reassurance, her voice barely audible, and pressed play once more.
In the video, Toni started moving again once she pressed play, now it was Shelby's hand that appeared in the frame sliding down Toni's body reverently like Toni had done to her before. Shelby could hear her own voice in the video whispering praises to her then-girlfriend. Shelby then places the moving camera on the nightstand, facing the bed where they are, and tells Toni to lie down. Toni says as requested and from the fixed camera point of view Shelby could see herself taking off the last remaining piece of clothing and then straddling Toni for a hot make out session.
From the handheld camera, now resting on the nightstand beside the bed, the details became strikingly clear: Toni’s hand gripping Shelby’s hair, pulling her closer to deepen the kiss, the way Shelby squeezed Toni's breasts; their tongues fighting for dominance and the exchange of longing glances when they briefly pulled away before their mouths crashed together once more.
When she saw Toni's hand began to slide down until it found the center between her thighs, that's when she decided it was too much and slammed the laptop shut, as if one more second would shatter her. She had been so absorbed in the scenes that she could almost feel the ghost touch of Toni’s hand. A surge of arousal hit her like a shockwave, making her core throb and her heart race erratically, her breaths coming in shallow gasps. Her face flushed with desire and distress, her eyes wide and glassy. At the same time, a wave of guilt and melancholy washed over her, contorting her features into a pained expression as tears threatened to spill. She sat there, trembling and overwhelmed, an emotional wreck.
She couldn’t go through with it. Though she knew it was a misguided idea, she was overwhelmed by the difficulty of it all. Shelby rose from the bed and went straight to the bottle of wine she had been saving for a special occasion. Deciding that this was indeed a special occasion—after all, it wasn’t every day you had a mental breakdown over your ex—she uncorked it and poured herself a glass. One glass turned into two, two into four, and soon she found herself drinking the last sips from the bottle.
As she considered burning the box of photos and videos, she was struck by a deep, conflicting sense of attachment. Those mementos were all that remained of her and Toni. Destroying them felt like erasing Toni from her memory entirely. Despite the pain they caused, something within Shelby made her cling to these remnants of the past, unable to let go.
At the same time, she couldn’t see how she could keep it to herself. She knew she wasn't strong enough and would eventually give in to the temptation of tormenting herself by reliving those memories.
Then a wild idea began to form in her tipsy mind.
There was only one person who had as much right as she did to decide what to do with the box and its contents. Since Shelby was struggling to make a decision, it seemed only fair to pass the responsibility to someone else.
She picked up her phone and scrolled through her contacts until she found her name. Of course, she still had Toni’s number. Many times she had considered sending a message to check on her or call just to hear her voice one more time, but each time she had backed out.
Now, however, her foggy mind didn’t let her dwell too much on it, and suddenly she found herself pressing the button to make the call.
Before she could second-guess herself or change her mind, the call was answered.
There was a moment of eerie silence on the other end of the line, broken only by the sound of heavy, ragged breathing. Shelby’s heart raced as she recognized Toni’s deep, gravelly voice, which sounded so fucking good in her ears.
"Hello?.. Shelby?"
Shelby’s breath caught in her throat. She was frozen, realizing the magnitude of what she had just done. Her voice seemed to be stuck, refusing to come out. She stared at blank, her face flushed panic and embarrassment.
"Shelby? Are you there?"
Toni’s voice came through again, tinged with concern.
"Hi, yes. Yes, I’m here," Shelby managed to stutter, her voice barely audible. She bit her lip, trying to steady her nerves.
She could still hear Toni’s uneven breathing, and a cascade of anxious thoughts flooded her mind. Unable to restrain her curiosity and concern, she asked cautiously, "You sound out of breath. Are you okay?"
There was a brief pause before Toni responded, her voice carrying a hint of hesitation, "Yeah, I’m just out for a run."
Shelby’s shoulders relaxed slightly, but her curiosity was piqued. For a moment, she forgot why she had called. She leaned back against her wall, her eyes roaming around her room as she continued the conversation, "At this time?"
"Shelby, why did you call?" Toni asked, her tone now was one of confusion but also frustration. Shelby could almost picture Toni’s furrowed brow and the slight frown tugging at the corners of her mouth.
Okay, time to get straight to the point.
"Oh, I... I have something to return to you," Shelby said, her voice firmer now, though she still felt the warmth of embarrassment on her cheeks.
“And what would that be?” Toni’s voice came through the phone, tinged with curiosity and suspicion.
Shelby fidgeted with her phone, her fingers drumming anxiously on the device. She struggled to find the right words, not wanting to risk Toni’s disinterest or a misunderstanding that could jeopardize everything.
“Just a... box. With some of your things inside,” Shelby said finally, her voice soft and hesitant.
Toni's voice conveyed confusion and a hint of skepticism. “I don’t remember missing anything.”
“Well, you did, so...” Shelby trailed off, her words faltering as she felt the weight of the situation.
“Why now?” Toni’s voice held a trace of frustration, “After all this time... why are you returning it now?”
Shelby took a deep breath, her face tense as she tried to maintain her composure. “I found it while packing for my move. I’m moving out of state, so... it’s my last chance to return it.”
There was a pause on the other end. Although she couldn’t see Toni, Shelby imagined her processing the news, her expression softening as she absorbed the information. Toni’s voice, now more thoughtful, broke the silence. “You’re moving?... Out of state?”
Her tone suggested she was grappling with the impact of Shelby’s words. Shelby could feel her heart rate quicken, her emotions in a tumultuous mix.
“Yeah, so... is there a chance I could return it to you tomorrow? I’m leaving in two days,” Shelby said quickly, her voice trembling slightly with nervousness.
Silence stretched between them, and Shelby felt increasingly self-conscious—about the call, about it seem to be a flimsy excuse to see Toni. She tried to adjust, her words coming out with a hint of awkwardness. “I could leave it with someone else if that’s better for you. Maybe with Martha—”
“No!” Toni’s response was abrupt, a touch of eagerness coming through her voice. “We can meet. How about... 5 PM at the subway station? Does that work for you?”
Shelby was taken aback by the sudden eagerness in Toni’s voice, her heart fluttering with the pleasant surprise and the anticipation giving her butterflies. She could almost sense Toni’s underlying emotion, even though she couldn’t see her.
“Yeah... that works for me,” Shelby replied, trying to keep her voice steady despite the nerves gnawing at her.
“Cool,” Toni said. The call fell into an awkward silence, both women holding the phone to their ears, waiting for the other to speak.
Feeling the anxiety creep in, Shelby found herself eager to end the conversation before her nerves got the better of her. “Okay, then. See you tomorrow. Take care. Bye” She blurted out, hanging up quickly before Toni could respond.
Shelby let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. She felt a wave of nausea and disbelief, her mind racing as she processed the unexpected turn of events.
Shelby was set to see her ex, Toni, the next day. Toni, the love of her life, with whom she had once shared everything, only to fuck it all up in the end. A whirlwind of thoughts flooded her mind, leaving her feeling dizzy. Her heart pounded, and her hands trembled slightly. Desperate for something to calm her racing thoughts and frazzled nerves, Shelby reached for a nearly empty bottle of wine. There was just enough left for half a glass, but she needed more—more than half a drink to process everything that had happened and what was looming ahead.
With a deep breath, she set the bottle aside and decided to leave the house. She pulled off her pajamas and threw on the first outfit she could find, her movements hurried and distracted. Grabbing her keys, she headed out the door in search of a stronger drink, hoping that by numbing herself enough, she might manage to get some sleep that night and avoid spiraling into anxiety over her upcoming meeting with Toni.
It worked. Shelby was so drunk when she got home that she collapsed onto the bed and passed out immediately.
The next day, however, the enormity of what was about to happen made her feel nauseous all day, complicating her efforts to finalize the last details of her move. Two hours before the scheduled meeting, Shelby was already showered and struggling to decide what to wear. Normally, choosing an outfit was second nature for her, but today, it felt like an insurmountable task.
She wanted to look attractive, of course, but she didn’t want to appear as though she’d put in too much effort to impress. In the end, she settled on skinny black jeans, a white crop top that revealed just enough of her toned abs, a Cardigan, and white sneakers. Her makeup was light but perfectly intact, and her hair was loose and natural—the way Toni always complimented it.
For almost an hour, she sat on the living room sofa—the only piece of furniture left—staring at the cigar box in her lap. Her fingers drummed anxiously on the lid as her thoughts raced. She kept wavering on whether or not to go, her internal debate manifesting in fidgety movements and furrowed brows. But the chance to see Toni one last time was too tempting to pass up. Shelby shoved the small box into her black leather purse and, with nearly forty minutes to spare, made her way to the station where they were supposed to meet.
Shelby was usually punctual, often arriving on time or early, while Toni had a knack for being late. This time was no different. Shelby arrived nearly half an hour early, which gave her time to try to steady her nerves. She paced back and forth, trying to predict how awkward the meeting would be. Would it be a stiff, emotionally charged encounter, filled with the residue of their breakup? Or would it be something more painful and raw? She dreaded the possibility that Toni had completely moved on and would treat her as if she were merely a distant acquaintance. The thought of that scenario stung, implying a level of indifference that cut deeply.
But what truly tormented Shelby was how she would react when she finally saw Toni. Maybe she’d be surprised to find she had moved on, achieving the peace she had hoped for. But everything so far suggested the exact opposite.
After long minutes of anxious waiting and internal panic, she finally spotted Toni emerging from the subway car. Toni’s face was a canvas of nerves and hope, her eyes scanning the crowd with palpable anxiety, desperately searching for Shelby.
In that moment, Shelby felt a rush of overwhelming emotion. It was utterly absurd to have ever doubted her feelings for Toni. As their eyes met, time seemed to slow. Her heart pounded fiercely, each beat resonating painfully in her chest, and her stomach churned with a violent intensity. It was clear, undeniable, and painfully evident: she would never, ever stop loving Toni.
She swore she saw a faint smile on Toni’s lips, a softening in her gaze that kindled a warmth within Shelby—a comforting reassurance that maybe things would turn out better than she had imagined.
Toni looked... exactly as she had before. Exactly as Shelby remembered. And she couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or if it just made everything harder.
As Toni walked toward Shelby, there was something in her expression—in the confident, yet subtly shy demeanor that only someone who knew her well could detect—that made Shelby's mind drift back to the day they first met.
New York, 2019
In the photography studio, the atmosphere was charged with an electric, creative energy. The white walls reflected the soft light from the softboxes, creating a bright and inviting environment. In the center, a neutral gray backdrop served as the setting for the photo session.
Shelby, the model, stood in the center of the studio, wearing an elegant blue dress that accentuated her confident posture. Her hair was perfectly styled, and her makeup highlighted her features delicately. She was ready for the session, but her eyes were fixed on the photographer, Toni, with visible curiosity.
Toni, for her part, was behind the camera, adjusting the lens with meticulous precision. She wore a simple black t-shirt and cargo pants, with a camera necklace hanging around her neck.
When they first met earlier that day, there was an immediate moment of recognition when their eyes met. Toni's smile for Shelby revealed an empathy and warmth that transcended the professional setting. Her eyes sparkled with professionalism and something more personal, as if Shelby’s presence had sparked a genuine interest.
Shelby, noticing Toni’s expression, felt a sudden flush in her cheeks, a clear sign that something beyond work was happening.
"Perfect, stay in this position," Toni said during the shoot, her voice soft and carrying a subtle nuance that seemed to go beyond words. They had been working for a few minutes, and the tension between them was already palpable.
"Keep your posture upright, shoulders relaxed," Toni continued, constantly giving directions.
As Shelby adjusted her posture, her eyes never left Toni's, and she noticed how the photographer observed her with an attentive and admiring gaze. Each of Toni's commands was accompanied by subtle gestures, where she leaned forward and gestured with her hands, creating an almost intimate connection with Shelby.
"Now, turn slightly to the right and lower your chin a bit," Toni instructed, her voice imbued with a warmth that seemed directed solely at Shelby. "This will create a more captivating profile and enhance your features."
Shelby followed the instructions, her breath coming almost in gasps as she tried to capture every nuance of Toni’s gaze. She noticed how Toni’s eyes lit up with each new adjustment, a gleam that seemed to communicate more than any compliment. The way Toni looked at her, with a blend of professionalism and personal appreciation, made Shelby’s heart race.
Each click of the camera was accompanied by Toni’s smiles, which grew perceptibly wider, and the way she moved around, adjusting the camera, subtly seemed designed to create closeness between them. The way Toni gestured and leaned toward Shelby, combined with how their eyes frequently met and lingered, intensified the feeling of a special connection.
Their interaction was charged with an unspoken subtext, manifested in smiles and looks that seemed to go beyond mere professional exchange. There was a clear and immediate attraction, a mutual recognition of something deeper, visible in every gesture and expression shared in the studio.
After another lingering glance between them, Toni stopped and said, “Let’s try something different. Smile at me.”
Shelby hesitated, holding her position for a second or two before Toni added, as if correcting herself, “At the camera. Smile at the camera.”
Toni pointed the camera back at Shelby, her eyes focused intently on her subject, waiting for the perfect shot. Shelby offered a smile, but Toni's brow furrowed slightly in frustration. Despite her attempts to adjust her instructions, something about the smile still didn’t seem right.
“This isn’t working,” Toni said, her tone carrying a hint of disappointment.
“What isn’t working?” Shelby asked, shifting slightly as she relaxed from her previous pose. Her face showed curiosity and mild annoyance.
“Your smile,” Toni replied, her voice nonchalant yet firm.
Shelby’s eyebrows knitted together, and a flicker of irritation crossed her face. “I am smiling!”
“Yeah, but— it’s not quite what I want”
Shelby’s lips pursed into a slight pout, and she placed her hands on her hips, her stance defiant as she looked at Toni. “And how do you want it?”
Toni took a deep breath, her gaze softening as she moved closer to Shelby. She took a few steps forward, her posture relaxed but purposeful. “I’ve seen your work, Shelby. I’ve seen enough of your photoshoots to know what your genuine smile looks like.”
Toni’s words seemed to soften the barrier Shelby had put up. Shelby’s eyes widened slightly, and she lowered her gaze, her defensiveness melting away as she listened.
“And that smile—” Toni continued, stopping just a few feet away from Shelby, “it’s one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. And that’s what I want.”
Their eyes locked in a meaningful stare, the intensity of the moment palpable. Shelby blinked rapidly, breaking the spell, and her posture relaxed into something more open and reflective. “I’m sorry, I— I’ve had a rough day.”
Toni’s face softened into a warm, understanding smile. “I see...” She adjusted the camera and looked back at Shelby, her voice gentle but with an underlying warmth. “Try to think of something that makes you happy. Something that would help you relax.” Even though Shelby wasn’t in the exact position Toni wanted, she began clicking the camera, her eyes never leaving the lens as she spoke to Shelby, who listened intently. “Something like— a pleasant evening, a nice bar with good music, colorful drinks with good company. With me. A date with me. Tonight.”
Shelby’s eyes widened in surprise, her cheeks flushing slightly as she processed Toni’s words. The realization that Toni was subtly—or not so subtly—asking her out caused a soft gasp of recognition.
Toni lowered the camera, her expression one of anticipation. She watched Shelby with a hopeful gaze, her own eyes sparkling with excitement and curiosity.
As Shelby processed what had just happened, her lips began to curl into a genuine smile, one that was both shy and delighted. She tried to contain her smile but couldn’t help the way it spread across her face as she realized Toni had skillfully, smoothly turned a professional moment into an invitation for a date.
Toni’s smile widened in response, her eyes reflecting satisfaction and affection. She lifted the camera once more, capturing the smile she had been waiting for—the one that would be perfect in her photo, and also the smile that confirmed, without needing words, that she had successfully asked Shelby out.
New York, 2024
As Shelby walked toward Toni, her legs felt unsteady with nerves, and she tried to pull her mind back to the present, away from the memories stirred by Toni’s intense, anxious gaze. The same look Toni had given her while waiting for a response about their date the day they first met.
They stood facing each other.
“Hey,” Toni greeted, her voice slightly shaky. Shelby, observing closely, could see that Toni was nervous too, which somehow reassured her that she wasn’t the only one feeling on edge.
“Hi there,” Shelby replied with a quick, nervous smile that flickered across her face and vanished almost immediately.
“Sorry I’m late—work ran longer than I expected,” Toni said, her eyes darting to the side briefly. “I hope you haven’t been waiting too long.”
“No, not at all. I just got here myself,” Shelby lied, though she knew Toni could see right through her. Toni gave her a knowing look, her eyebrows raised slightly in acknowledgment, but she didn’t press the matter further.
Toni’s eyes swept over Shelby, taking in the subtle changes since their last meeting. Her gaze lingered slightly on Shelby’s new haircut and the way her outfit hugged her curves.
“You look different,” Toni remarked, her eyes softening. Shelby felt a flush rise to her cheeks, and she quickly looked down, fidgeting with the strap of her bag.
Fearing Shelby might take her comment the wrong way, Toni added hurriedly, “Not in a bad way. I mean, you look—” She hesitated, her gaze searching for the right words, and finally settled on, “Well. You look well.”
Shelby then gave Toni a brief once-over, her lips curling into a slight, amused smile. Toni’s appearance hadn’t changed much— even her favorite jeans and Carhartt jacket were the same as always.
Unable to contain a small, genuine smile, Shelby responded, “Well, you look exactly the same.”
Toni’s laughter was soft and shy, her eyes crinkling at the corners. The sound made Shelby feel a warm rush, and Toni’s nervous habit of shrugging and slipping her hands into her pockets seemed even more endearing now.
A silence settled between them, the quiet punctuated by the ambient sounds of the subway station—the distant rumble of trains, the occasional announcement over the PA system, and the murmur of conversations blending into a steady hum.
“So...” Toni began, her tone shifting as she seemed to prompt Shelby to address the reason for their meeting.
“Right. I have your... thing, right here,” Shelby said, reaching into her bag with a slight flutter of anxiety, her fingers brushing against the item as she prepared to retrieved it.
“Wait—” Toni said, her tone turning more hesitant. She made a small, uncertain gesture with her hand, making Shelby pause and look up, her eyes meeting Toni’s with curiosity. “I also have a couple things of yours to return...”
“Okay...?” Shelby replied slowly, her brow furrowing in question. She half-expected Toni to pull the items from a backpack, but instead, Toni’s next words took her by surprise.
“But they’re not with me. I came straight from work, so... your things are at my apartment,” Toni explained, her gaze steady and searching, trying to read Shelby’s reaction to the implied invitation.
When Shelby remained silent, her expression unreadable, Toni continued, “It’s just two blocks away... would you mind coming with me?”
Shelby’s eyes widened in surprise, her heart skipping a beat at the unexpected invitation. The prospect of going to Toni’s apartment wasn’t something she’d anticipated.
“Yeah, sure... I can come with you,” Shelby said, her voice wavering slightly as she processed the surprise of the invitation.
“Cool,” Toni said, her smile growing a bit more confident as she nodded. She started to turn toward her home, but noticed Shelby still standing in place. “Are you coming?”
Shelby blinked, then stepped forward, joining Toni as they began an awkward walk to her apartment. The air between them was thick with unspoken tension, but Shelby felt a nervous excitement building with each step.
The first block was made by the two walking side by side in an awkward silence, exchanging furtive glances as if weighing whether to rekindle old connections or let their shared past remain a distant memory.
Despite Shelby's nervousness, a profound tranquility enveloped her in Toni’s presence. Toni’s subtle glances and faint smiles, so reminiscent of their past, conveyed a quiet intimacy that tugged at Shelby’s heart. Each fleeting exchange of their eyes and the gentle curve of Toni’s lips seemed to speak of unspoken feelings, echoing the same wistful light that had always made Shelby long for more.
The familiar scent of Toni’s cologne wrapped around Shelby like a warm embrace, blending seamlessly with the wind that danced between them. Toni’s graceful movements and the nuances of her expressions—reflecting sadness, warmth, and affection—gave her a sense of deep nostalgia. Shelby savored every moment, feeling both homesick and profoundly grateful for the chance to witness these delicate nuances one final time.
As Shelby absorbed this serene comfort, her mind wandered back to their first meeting. She remembered the initial nervous anticipation, the way Toni’s eyes had shyly met hers, and that same faint smile that had signaled the beginning of something significant. The scent of Toni’s cologne, mingling with the excitement of new beginnings, had been just as comforting then. The blend of casual ease and restrained emotion had made their first encounter unforgettable, hinting at the deeper connection that would evolve. These memories, tinged with nostalgia and gratitude, highlighted the enduring impact Toni had on her life from the very start.
New York, 2019
"Are you going to tell me where you're taking me?" Shelby asked, her eyes sparkling with curiosity as she walked alongside Toni. The early evening light cast a warm glow on the city streets, illuminating their path. The photoshoot was over, and Shelby had traded her glamorous dress for white jeans and a cozy cardigan. Despite her casual attire, she still exuded a magnetic charm that Toni found hard to ignore.
Toni glanced sideways at Shelby, a slight smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "I have two twin friends who opened a bar right across the street. It's a cool place."
Shelby raised an eyebrow, her lips curling into a playful smirk. "And that's where you take all the models who fall for your little spiel?" Her tone was teasing, but her eyes softened, hinting at genuine interest.
Toni chuckled, her cheeks flushing slightly. "I don't usually date the models I photograph," she said, her gaze flicking to Shelby with apprehension and admiration.
"Doesn't mean it never happened," Shelby replied, her voice light but her eyes searching Toni’s face for a hint of honesty.
Toni paused, her brow furrowing as she considered her response. "It’s happened, yes. But none of the times was I the one who made the first move like I did with you."
Shelby’s lips curved into a thoughtful smile, her gaze fixed on Toni, amused and curious. "And why is that?"
Toni’s expression turned contemplative, her lips pressing together as she gathered her thoughts. "I've always found it a little unprofessional to ask a client out. If the answer is no, the atmosphere could be awkward, the person could feel pressured. I don't know."
Shelby’s eyes sparkled with a blend of mischief and genuine interest. "And where was your professionalism when you asked me out today?"
Toni’s smile widened, her eyes meeting Shelby’s with a touch of nervousness as she confessed, “I didn’t plan this. The words just slipped out. It was like I couldn’t help myself…”
Shelby bit her lip, her eyes dancing with barely contained satisfaction. Toni noticed and felt a surge of confidence, deciding to tease a little. “Also, the way you were looking at me made me think you were interested too.”
Shelby’s eyes went wide, and she scoffed with a playful edge. “What way was I looking at you?”
“You know, like… like you were silently begging me to say something,” Toni said, a teasing grin spreading across her face.
“I was not!” Shelby protested, her tone a blend indignation and amusement. She stopped abruptly in front of Toni, forcing her to halt as well. Shelby’s hands were on her hips, her expression a blend of mock seriousness and curiosity.
Toni raised her eyebrows, her smile growing crooked as she replied ironically, “Oh, alright then. I must have misread the signals. You didn’t want any of that, right?”
Shelby’s eyes sparkled with both irritation and playful challenge. “I didn’t say that.”
Toni laughed softly, her eyes twinkling with amusement. “You’re making me confused here.”
Shelby fumbled for words, her cheeks flushing a delicate pink. “I— I guess I wanted to. But— I wasn’t exactly making a move on you.”
Toni’s smile softened, her gaze warm as she took in Shelby’s hesitant expression. “I see…” Toni said thoughtfully. “Well, you’ve got my number. Maybe it’s best if you call me when you’ve figured out what you really want.” She gave a playful wink, her tone light and teasing.
“No, Toni,” Shelby said, a note of genuine concern in her voice. She stepped closer, her body nearly touching Toni’s, her eyes locking onto Toni’s with intensity. “I- I know exactly what I want.” She said, her gaze flickering between Toni’s deep brown eyes and her lips.
Toni paused surprised, her expression also showing curiosity. Shelby leaned in slightly, clearly inviting a kiss, but Toni leaned back, her face reflecting confusion.
“Not yet,” Toni said with a teasing smile. “Let’s enjoy our date first, shall we?” Her smile reassured Shelby, signaling that the atmosphere between them remained light, flirtatious, and full of promise for the evening ahead.
Once inside the bar and comfortably settled at their table, each nursing their drinks, Toni broke the silence. “You mentioned having a rough day earlier. Do you want to talk about it?”
Shelby shifted in her seat, tracing the rim of her glass with her fingers. “Oh, it’s no big deal… It’s just that Dave always seems to ruin my day with a single phone call.”
Toni’s brow furrowed in concern. “Who's Dave?"
"My dad."
"Oh.. Don’t you have a good relationship with him?”
“No,” Shelby replied with a humorless laugh, her face darkening. “We used to be close, but that changed when he found out about my… preferences.” She gave Toni a pointed look, making it clear she was referring to her sexuality.
Toni leaned back, a smirk playing on her lips. “Let me guess—he’s a conservative southerner. Supports Christian values, moral absolutism, and is against abortion and LGBT rights?”
Shelby’s lips curled into a wry smile. “More specifically, he’s a Texas pastor. How did you guess?” she asked, her tone laced with irony.
Toni chuckled softly. “They all seem to follow a similar script.”
Shelby nodded, a trace of bitterness in her voice. “Yeah… to be honest, I was like that once myself.”
Toni raised an eyebrow, intrigued. “Well, you were raised with those beliefs…”
“True,” Shelby admitted, her gaze dropping to her drink. “But it took me a long time to shed all of that.”
“Tell me about it,” Toni encouraged, her tone inviting and earnest. She leaned in slightly, her eyes filled with genuine interest, eager to learn more about the model who had captivated her so quickly.
Shelby met Toni’s gaze, her expression softening. She took a deep breath, as if preparing to share a piece of her soul. “It wasn’t easy. I grew up believing what my dad taught me, thinking that any deviation from that was wrong. It took years of questioning, a lot of self-reflection, and finding people who accepted me for who I am. It wasn’t just about accepting myself but also about confronting the fear of losing my family.”
Toni listened intently, her face a picture of empathy.
Shelby started talking about her past with a hint of nostalgia in her voice. Her eyes, which used to be so lively, now had a hint of sadness as she looked back on her days in Fort Travis. Her expressions changed, moving from youthful confidence to the seriousness of her current situation.
She proudly talked about competing in beauty pageants in her small hometown, her smile widening as she remembered her wins. But the hope and ambition in her eyes faded a bit when she discussed deciding to move to Dallas. Her parents' disapproval was clear; their worried and disapproving looks were in stark contrast to her determined attitude. They had warned her about the big city's temptations and sins, but she was set on following her own path, despite their concerns.
Shelby mentioned how Dot Campbell, a childhood friend, decided to join her in Dallas to help her chase her dreams. Dot’s warm support gave Shelby a brief break from her past stresses. However, her time in Dallas also brought its own set of challenges.
Her new freedom led her to explore and try new things, which she described with embarrassment and excitement. Things took a turn when she talked about her Dave's unexpected visit. Her tone got heavier as she recounted the confrontation and her father’s desperate attempt to drag her back to Fort Travis. The emotional struggle between staying with her family or pursuing her dreams was clear.
Her mood lifted again when she talked about getting an invite to one of the biggest fashion photography studio in America. Her excitement and relief were obvious as she shared how she convinced Dot to come with her to New York, promising new beginnings and opportunities.
As Toni listened to Shelby talk about her past, her reaction shifted from curiosity to empathy. She leaned in, her expression softening with concern as she absorbed Shelby's story. Toni's eyes reflected understanding and sympathy, and she occasionally nodded in acknowledgment, clearly moved by the emotional weight of Shelby's experiences.
“But what about your mom? Did she never support you? Did she ever try to stand up to your dad, or did she agree with all his conservative views?” she asked, her voice tinged with curiosity and frustration at the thought of Shelby’s parents missing out on their amazing daughter because of prejudice.
Shelby sighed, her gaze dropping as she absentmindedly twirled the straw in her drink. “I don’t think she’s as rigid as he is in her beliefs... but she never wanted, or was able, to confront him. At least, not for my sake.” Her voice was thoughtful and tinged with disappointment.
The cozy bar was softly lit, with warm amber lights casting a gentle glow over the wooden tables and shelves of bottles behind the bar. The murmur of conversations and clinking glasses filled the background, creating a comforting atmosphere.
Shelby sat back in her chair, her gaze thoughtful as she fiddled with the straw in her drink. Her face showed sadness but also frustration.
Noticing this, Toni reached out and gently took Shelby’s hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Well, it’s their loss,” Toni said, her eyes filled with sympathy but her smile playful.
Shelby looked up, her eyes meeting Toni’s with a grateful smile. “They’re missing out on seeing you become an amazing woman, a supermodel…” Toni continued, her tone light and teasing. “..and on having an awesome daughter-in-law like me.”
Shelby laughed, her eyes sparkling, and Toni joined in, their laughter blending with the bar’s background noise, "Am I right ?" Toni asked playfully.
Shelby shook her head, amused, “I think we’re about to find out,” she said, her gaze locked with Toni’s. She sipped her drink, her lips closing around the straw. The warmth of their connection evident in the cozy setting.
New York, 2024
"Shelby?" The sound of Toni's voice pierced through Shelby's trance, snapping her back to reality, calling her for what seemed like the second or third time.
"Oh, sorry, what?" Shelby blinked, her gaze still unfocused.
"I asked how you're doing... you know, in general." Toni’s voice was soft, almost hesitant, as she gave Shelby a quick once-over. Her eyes briefly met Shelby’s before darting downward, her cheeks flushing slightly.
Shelby furrowed her brows, her face reflecting a combination confusion and contemplation. She took a deep breath, trying to collect her thoughts. "I'm okay... I guess." Her voice wavered at the end, betraying her uncertainty.
Toni nodded slowly, her eyes dropping to the pavement. "Yeah... me too." Her response was lackluster, lacking the conviction she intended.
The silence that followed was thick and palpable. Toni broke it with a gentle but deliberate tone. "You said you’re moving out of state..."
Shelby stole a sidelong glance at Toni, noting the sadness etched into her ex’s features. Toni’s shoulders slumped slightly, her expression reflecting the weight of the news. "I'm going back to Texas."
"To Texas?!" Toni’s eyes widened in surprise, and she slowed her pace, her steps becoming hesitant as she struggled to absorb the revelation.
"I think it’s time to go home," Shelby said, her voice flat, eyes fixed ahead. Her face was turned away, hiding the conflict within.
The atmosphere grew dense, the air heavy with unsaid words. The remaining distance to Toni's apartment was covered in a strained silence, each step echoing the discomfort between them.
“We’re here,” Toni said, her voice barely above a whisper, as she approached the building's entrance.
Shelby halted, her gaze sweeping over the building from top to bottom. She felt a pang of indecision, her eyes lingering on the door as she wrestled with the urge to either stay or leave. The thought of entering and potentially diving into deep, unresolved emotions weighed heavily on her, making the moment even more fraught.
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