Chapter 1: Chains
Summary:
Chains by Allies
Chapter Text
Joel and Ellie both sat outside of the car crying. You had just died twice in Ellie’s arms, but Joel somehow…somehow by the grace of God brought you back both times. You have a tourniquet on your leg and your neck isn’t bleeding anymore. You seemed pretty stable now but the car was broken down and it was still a five hour hike back to Jackson. If Joel left right now, he’d get Tommy to use the horses. Get you back to the colony in another six or seven hours. Joel knew you didn’t have it in you to wait that long but he couldn’t just sit here and let you die.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can. I’m sorry to leave you—” Joel kisses the top of Ellie’s head quickly but she stops him from speaking.
“I wouldn’t leave her even if you wanted me to. I’ll stay right here. I promise.” She watches as Joel takes off running. Running with everything he has left in him which isn’t much but he’s going to shave off as much time off this hike as he can.
Ellie lays down next to you in the trunk. She watches your shallow breathing carefully to make sure that you are in fact still alive. She places one hand in yours and looks at your swollen, bruised jaw. The puncture wound behind your ear is still bloody. Ellie does her best to clean you up with what water she had left. She never slept even though she was still tired herself. She wanted to but her eyes would snap awake the minute they closed to make sure you hadn’t passed in the two seconds she had fallen asleep.
The man Joel used to be is running through these woods. The man who dealt with the beginning of the outbreak. Not a man aged by time and stress and burdens. He was just a carpenter and in decent shape. Joel was running like him right now. He didn’t even bring his backpack, it would have just slowed him down. Just a map and a compass but he ran. Fast. Branches would scratch at his hands and face because he just didn't care about finding a path. He took the fastest route whether it was up or down or through trees or water or mud. It did not matter, nothing could stop this man. He ran like that for almost an hour before his body screamed at him to stop. He had traveled a decent distance in that hour.
Another hour off his time and he was still moving, his sides cramped and he was slowing down. He had to breathe. Joel had been starting back up the second he felt like he could breathe. But now he needed to regather his strength. This was bad. You were going to die while Joel was hiking in the woods. Poor Ellie was going to have to sit with your dead body for hours. Joel felt so stupid. He should have stopped before he did to give you a tourniquet. He waited too long. Forty minutes of speeding out of the city and getting stuck at barricades and having to backtrack killed you.
Joel would never forgive himself if you died. He asked you to come! He’s the one who really killed you and that was going to haunt him forever because he was looking forward to being gentle to you for a change. Didn’t think you liked it. Never asked for it. Never complained when he smacked you around and called you names. Joel liked that. Killed you over it. Running again. As fast as he fucking can.
Joel is pounding on Tommy’s door like it’s the end of the word all over again.
“Joel it’s good to see you—” Tommy looks exhausted when he opens the door. So tired. Like Joel had just woken him up pounding on the door. He had. Tommy had been dead asleep.
“I need your help, man. Real bad. So bad. Please can we just—” Joel is already down the steps of the porch heading in the direction of the stables. Tommy is so confused but puts his boots on and grabs his jacket.
“What’s going on man? It’s the girl?” Tommy rushed to Joel’s side as he slipped the jacket over his arms. Joel shakes his head.
“Different girl. My girl. She’s dyin’, Tommy. Might be dead when we get back there.” Joel sounds like he might cry. It’s a desperate plea for help and he’s only ever heard Joel speak like this once in his life. The night of the outbreak. “She’s all shot up. She’s bleedin’ real bad. I need to get her back here. I need you to help her.” Joel is still running to the stables. He knows where to go.
“Okay man, we’ll get there. Calm down. You ain’t doin’ her no good if you keel over dead from a heart attack.” Tommy is trying to keep up with Joel. Trying so hard, but Joel is too fast.
It takes them three and a half hours to get back to the car.
When you are able to finally open your eyes again. It’s four weeks later, but you don’t know that. Everything about you feels like you’re being torn apart from the seams. Your eyes don’t even really open. They just flutter. But then there are hands on yours. From both sides. Who is touching you? Why are they touching you in your sleep? Voices. Muffled ones are speaking to you rapidly and it sounds all jumbled up together.
In your head you wanted to tell them to please stop speaking to you in Mandarin, because that’s not a language you understand and you needed assistance opening your eyes. Nothing came out though because your mouth feels like someone shoved a cactus down there while you slept.
Joel did this to you! Joel ruined your throat with his going deepest contest or whatever he did to you in the bedroom yesterday! You should have bit it off of him. If you knew it was going to cause you this kind of pain? No. That was not fair or nice of Joel. Didn’t even give you any possible side effects of going deeper. Not even a cactus in the throat! Why did everything else hurt?. What the fuck. Your eyes do open at this new and sharp pain in your throat. All the other pain is dull and constant and this is sharp and new and only when you try to speak or swallow. Joel is there and you could throttle him for putting you in the hospital! How did an innocent blowjob turn into you being in the hospital? You just wanted to lick a penis for the first time in however many years and now look at you. Hospitalized.
“Birdie.” Joel’s voice is soothing to you. Very soothing and calming and sweet and you’re not mad at this man. He could go as deep as he wanted. You’d let him. He’s fuzzy. Blurry like maybe you were underwater. “Shhh stop trying to talk. You’re intubated.”
What is intubated!? What does that mean? You start to panic but everything hurts. Every joint and ligament. Every single fiber of your being aches. Joel leaves your side and now you’re even more scared. You just got here, why is he rushing to be away from you? Ellie’s sweet girl voice is in your ear and also very calming.
“You need to relax. Just shhh and calm your body. Joel is going to get a Doctor to get the tube out.” What tube!? What is she talking about? Her words do little to calm you now that you have to worry about a tube in you somewhere. What the fuck is going on? The room your in is very similar to that of a hospital—
Ellie is by your side. Ellie is here! And she’s safe and talking to you in your ear and now you are calm because you didn’t have Ellie the last you remember. It’s coming back to you. Joel was walking beside you…touching your pinky with his because he thought that was the last time he was ever going to touch you again while you were still breathing. Ellie places a gentle hand on your upper arm and her warm touch is so comforting. You wish Ellie could crawl into this bed and just wrap you up in her warmth because you are so cold. You did not realize how cold you were. Now you’re shivering. Shivering so bad you think you might actually vibrate off the bed.
Joel returns with a man in a white coat.
Judas ! Get this coated man away from you! White coats are bad! Such bad people! They were standing over Ellie’s little frame and now you have to look at Ellie to make sure that she is in fact actually beside you and she is. Her cute face looks worried. Very worried.
“He’s going to help.” Ellie whispers down to you.
Then it goes black.
“Hey, little bird.” Joel’s deep voice fills your small room. He holds flowers out to you. They bring a smile to your face, and now it doesn’t hurt to smile anymore. It does still hurt to talk though. Joel sets them down on the table next to you and sits down in the chair beside your bed. “You feelin’ better today?” He kisses your knuckles softly. You nod, still smiling at him.
“Yeah.” Your voice is hoarse and croaky from the tube you had been intubated with. Not Joel’s cock like you thought. “Even better now that you’re here.” Joel smiles at this like he’s a young boy and not a fifty-something year old man.
“We’ve been workin’ real hard to get the house ready for you. Our room is on the first floor so you won’t gotta deal with the stairs.” Joel holds your hand in his gently as he speaks to you, sounding excited. His eyes look excited too.
Our room.
“I bet Ellie is excited to have the whole upstairs to herself.” You croak. Joel chuckles and nods. “She doin’ alright?” Joel nods and squeezes your hand.
“Yeah she’s good. Just doesn’t really like comin’ up here— to the hospital. It’s got nothin’ to do with you, Birdie.” You nod in understanding because you don’t even like being here. “She told me to tell you that she misses you. You get to come home tomorrow though.”
Home. You get to go home tomorrow. With Joel. And Ellie.
“I know. I don’t blame her. I would have snuck out of here but sneaking is hard when you cannot walk.” Joel smiles as he continues to kiss your knuckles.
“Birdie—” Joel cuts himself off when he sees the way that you’re looking at him through your eyelashes. “What? What I’d do? I just got here. You were just fine.” He’s worried, he doesn’t know what he’s done to make you upset or…whatever emotion you’re feeling while you look at him distrustfully.
“Where did Birdie come from? When did you start calling me that all the time? You only ever used to call me crybaby .” You mock the old nickname you used to have. It’s not that you don’t like Birdie. Just curious as to where the fuck he pulled it from. Joel chuckles to himself and kisses your hand once more before letting it rest by your side again.
“I was cleanin’ your leg one night and you just kept whimperin’ and cryin’ out. Sounded like a little birdie chripin’.” Joel’s smile is infectious and now you’re smiling back at him as he tells you the rest. “Then I’d make you sing like a bird.” His eyebrows flick up and now he’s smiling at you devilishly. “Miss hearin’ you sing for me.”
Your stomach flutters at his words. Something about his body language too, it’s making between your legs tingle and that feels good . His legs are spread wide in the chair next to your bed, he’s leaning back. He’s relaxed. Joel index finger and thumb tug at the fabric between his legs and he lifts his hips slightly to adjust himself. Your eyes had watched for the whole four seconds it took for him to do that and then you flick your gaze up to Joel’s face.
“Been missin’ you. Gonna have to be real gentle with you.” He speaks low, almost a growl but it’s hushed. “Be real careful with my little bird.” He’s still leaned back in the chair, relaxed and with his knees as far apart as he can get them in the chair. Now his hands rubbing himself over the front of his jeans gently. You wish you didn’t have this forsaken hospital gown on and tied around the back of your neck because you’d pull it down for him and show him anything. “Say somethin’.” Joel whispers. You had just been watching, wishing you could participate.
“I need you inside me.” You whisper back to him. Your hand reaches for him but he nods to your chest.
“Touch ‘em. Squeeze those perfect tits for me.” Joel’s own hand is now rubbing hard down into the crotch of his jeans. You can see the outline of him growing harder beneath the unforgiving fabric. You bring your one hand up to your chest through the gown and grope yourself in a similar fashion to what he’s doing. He lets out a sigh and his hips start to move slowly against his hand.
Your heart is pounding in your chest beneath your hand. There are people right outside that closed door and any of them could walk in at any minute to come check your vitals and then your temperature. If they do that right now they won’t let you go home tomorrow because you’re surely have high blood pressure and a fever because you’re sweating. You wish you could touch yourself like Joel but your leg is still to swollen and this bed is too small to stretch out the way you need to.
“I can't wait to taste that fuckin’ pussy. I’ve been dreamin’ about it.” Joel groans softly. “Can’t wait to get my tongue deep inside that tight lil’ hole.” Joel’s words makes your walls contract and nothing is even inside of you yet. Your jaw falls open slightly.
You’re still a little hesitant with dirty talk yourself. Usually Joel prompts you with things to speak back to him. The way he talks to you makes you blush. Especially now in public! It was never a problem back in the woods which funny enough was only a couple miles from where you lay right now.
“Where else you want me to lick you?” Joel gives you a prompt right now but they’re so hard to think about when all you want to do is get touched! You want to go home right now. This is the first time you and Joel have had a real moment together without doctors and his brother Tommy and Tommy’s pregnant wife Maria. Or people from the town coming to offer support to Joel on the house he was fixing up. You’ve been awake a week and this is your first real uninterrupted moment with him.
“Everywhere.” You whisper because it’s all you can muster. All of your energy is buzzing between your legs and in your lower belly. It’s almost too much, it feels like you’re too turned on and you’re going to float away with your pelvis leading you upwards.
“Tell me where.” Joel is leading you, helping you figure out how to talk dirty to him. “Where else do you want my tongue besides your perfect lil cunt?” The words drip off his tongue like molasses.
The door opens and your hand falls to your side. Joel’s hand moves to the armrest of the chair and he pulls himself into a sitting up position instead of his relaxed, almost laying down prone pose he had just been in quickly. Now he’s sitting, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his index finger curled over his smirking lips. Your face is red. Redder than you can even imagine.
“So how are you feel—” The nurse stops and looks at you and cocks her head to the side. “You feelin’ alright, hun? You look a little flushed?” She had not seen what was going on in the room before she walked in so she did not know the reason for all of the blood behind your cheeks.
You go to speak but just a weak croaking sound comes out. It makes her look more worried and Joel has to stifle a chuckle from beside your bed. You shoot him a glance while you clear your throat.
“I’m fine. Just a little warm in here.” You lie because you had been cold before Joel got in here and steamed the room all up with his sexy words and forceful massages on his hard cock below his jeans. You steal another glance at him and now his eyes are closed and his shoulders are moving up and down softly– he’s laughing! This is funny to him!
“Aww, well lemme open a window in here for you, sweetheart.” The nurse is so nice and trying so hard to be helpful in your fevered state. You’re so embarrassed. Your nipples are rock hard under your hospital gown and they prove you're lying! It’s an obvious giveaway at your lack of being warm and your current state of arousal. The nurse opens the window and chilled spring air rushes in and makes your nipples even harder! Goosebumps rise on your flesh and you wish she would shut it. You’re no longer a little warm.
The nurse— her name is Shannon, goes by Shan– takes your vitals and writes everything down on a chart at the end of your bed.
“Are you excited to go home tomorrow? Been here for almost six weeks. You gotta be ready to sleep in your own bed and be in your own house for the first time!” She’s so excited for you. She’s been your nurse for the entire time and she’s been watching all of this fall into place for you, for the four and a half weeks you were in a coma and then the last week and couple days while you’ve been conscious. She might be as excited as you are.
“I…cannot wait.” You sigh as she places your chart back in the holder at the end of your bed. “What time do I get to leave?” You’re anxious though, you’d rather just go home right now and don’t understand what a couple hours difference makes. It’s not even a real hospital. It’s a refurbished elementary school that they use in place of a hospital so why can’t you leave now?
“As soon as you get your last round of antibiotics in the morning after breakfast.” Shan smiles down at you. “You been here longer than any of my other patients, I’ll miss you.” She frowns dramatically. “But now we can go drink at the bar together.” She flicks her eyebrows up once. She was a year younger than you and grew up in Southern California. You have a lot in common with her, she’s fun and is easy to talk to. You have a friend that wants to get drinks with you.
Shan leaves and Joel is on your mouth before you can look over at him. His tongue is swirling around yours and his hand is on your chest, groping you the way you had been touching yourself but harder, with more aggression behind his hand. He’s moaning into your mouth as your hand finds his still hard cock under his jeans as he leans over you in your hospital bed. Your other hand reaches around the back of his neck and pulls you into him tighter.
“You’re mine.” Joel whispers against your lips as he pulls away. “Don’t go gettin’ any fuckin’ ideas at that bar. You come home to me. Because you belong to me, understood?” Joel’s words are firm. A verbal declaration of his ownership of you. It makes you feel…uneasy the way he says it like he might actually believe it, and it’s not just bedroom talk.
“Okay.” You whisper back to him, regardless of that uneasy feeling in your stomach because he’s not…wrong in a sense. You don’t want to be with anyone else. You are his. He is yours. What’s there to feel uneasy about? Joel pulls his head from yours and looks into your eyes.
“Say it.” He’s so serious.
“I belong to you.” It comes out of you before you can question him, or hesitate at all because the way he’s looking at you is making you a little nervous. “I belong to you.” You say it again after a moment because he doesn’t look away. This time he must believe you because he kisses you again and then sighs softly.
“Good.”
Joel says his goodbyes because it’s late. He shuts the window for you first and tucks you into bed. He touches your mound softly over the blankets while he kisses you goodbye.
Now you’re alone with this new thought in your head of what Joel means by that. It felt like much more than just an admittance of love— that’s actually not what it felt like at all. It was like he was speaking a rule into the universe and now you had to follow it. This felt different than the time he had said it in the bedroom or when you walked out of that abandoned cabin so long ago. Sexy and jokes those felt like. You realize that this is the first time you’ve ever been around other people with Joel who weren’t trying to kill you.
Oh.
The next morning your unease is not forgotten but it is overlooked by your excitement to get out of the hospital and sleep in a real bed and to see Ellie. Joel and Tommy ended up going back for the car and fixing it up on the side of the road so that he could drive it back. Now it’s a community car for moments like this. When someone who is unable to walk needs to get around for a longer distance. The whole colony is small but you cannot walk. Not yet.
“Ellie is so excited to see you.” Joel holds your hand as he drives you to your new house. “I’m glad you’re comin’ home. Been empty there without you.” His words make you smile because you have missed him. So very much.
“I’m excited to see how you two decorated. It’s probably very interesting.” You smirk at him. You are pleasantly surprised when you walk in and it’s perfect. Nice chairs in the living room and a couch. There are three bedrooms. Two upstairs and one on the first floor. Three bathrooms. You and Joel have your own and there is running water.
Ellie is at school. Which is weird. School. You’ll have to see if they have classes for people like you who never got to graduate. You missed out on some things and don’t want to be behind when Ellie needs help.
“Easy, birdie.” Joel eases you down into the large bed, topped with nice soft sheets and a comforter. No more sleepers. “Do you need anything before I go?” Joel asks, sitting on the edge of the bed. You raise your eyebrows.
“Go? Where are you going?” You guys just got here. What is so important?
“Gotta take the car back. I’ve been helpin’ Tommy around town. Time doesn’t stop just cause you came home today.” He kisses your forehead and you frown.
“I thought you’d at least stay for a little bit.” You roll your eyes at him. “I get it though. Go be Mr. Carpenter man. Go build buildings and whatever else it is you do.” You smirk. Joel smirks back at you. “Won’t even make me come first.” You playfully turn your nose up at him.
“And you better not touch it until I come back. I mean it.” He narrows his eyes at you when you turn to look at him. “I’ll know.”
“How would you know?” You have a snide tone like how is that something he could possibly figure out. Joel doesn’t say anything, he just leans down and kisses you gently on the lips.
“Don’t touch it. Or you get punished.” Another small kiss before he pulls away and is gone before you can ask him what ‘ punished’ means. Punished? Like spanking because you like those. He’d have to wait for another one of his go-as-deep-as-you-can contests or whatever the fuck that was!
Punishment. You had never received one you don’t think. Maybe the spanks but those were not uncommon. The whip had been new and forgotten about in the house.
That had been a punishment.
It stung so good though. Was punishment supposed to be bad? Unenjoyable? You don’t know if you’d like to find out. The doctors don’t have pain pills. That’s not a thing. But was is a thing from the past is medical marijuana. The doctor gave you pain management in the form of ten little rolled cigarettes and three brownies. He said do not eat the brownies all at once. They should be cut into eighths. Little small pieces. You have not touched them. You are too scared, that was never something you did before the end of the world! You sucks dicks and snuck out and then also got drunk one time with your friends. You ended up throwing up.
Smoking weed. No. You will suffer.
You do suffer until Ellie gets home.
“Hi!” She runs into your room and hugs you tightly. “I’ve been thinking about you all day! I ran home from school! I have so much to tell you!”
Ellie tells you that she likes school because now she has friends and people besides you and Joel to hang out with— ouch what the fuck? That is heartbreaking but carry on— there is a girl that Ellie thinks is cute and she has two classes with her. Gym and Old World History.
“Do you offer to walk her home from school?” You ask, leaning in with your eyebrows raised. “Because you should. Girls like that kind of stuff.” Ellie widens her eyes and takes mental notes.
“What else?” She asks curiously.
The next hour is spent explaining how to win over a girl's heart in very specific detail. You go on until the pain in your leg is too much.
“Okay. I need you to please go to the freezer and can you please cut up one of those brownies into like a million little pieces— actually bring it in here so I can do it.” You do not trust a fourteen year old girl who is probably sneaky!
Joel walks in the room just as Ellie leaves. He already has a brownie piece in his hand for you.
“Where are you goin’? You do your homework yet?” He looks down at Ellie who had just stopped herself from bumping into his chest. She shakes her head from side to side and points back to you.
“I’ve been with her. I was just about to go get her whatever that is.” She points to the square in his hand.
“It’s her medicine. You stay out of it. Homework before dinner, please?” He is still looking down at her. She nods and grabs her backpack off the floor near your bed. She smiles at you and then her eyes go wide for a moment.
“We can all eat in here, right? With her? She can’t sit at the table!” Ellie exclaims at Joel, pointing to your leg. He chuckles and takes two more steps in the room.
“Yes. We can. Go do homework and then start dinner. I’ll come help you in a little bit.” Joel messes with her hair and pushes her head softly. “Go, punk. I’ll be out soon. Shut the door.” Ellie wrinkles her nose at the two of you.
“Disgusting. You can’t wait until I’m gone!? Or asl—” Joel points with his free hand out the door.
“Go. Now.” He’s firm with her. She rolls her eyes and marches out the door noisily.
“Fine. Still gross.” She announces before she shuts the door.
Joel turns to look at you before he sighs loudly and holds his hand with the brownie in it for you.
“Doctor said this is pretty potent so you’ll be giggling soon.” He sits down on the edge of the bed and looks at you with big brown eyes. “I got the day off tomorrow. All day. Jus’ me and you. In bed. Bein’ gentle. I’mma wait on you hand and foot and do whatever you ask of me, lil’ bird.” Joel’s country drawl comes out as he speaks and it makes your lower stomach do flips inside of you. “My lil bird.” This really does something to your hips for some reason now because now they’re moving gently against the bed. You still haven’t even taken the brownie from him because you have been hypnotized by his words and his eyes. Joel takes the piece of brownie in between his fingers and reaches towards your opening mouth. He places it on your tongue gently while he looks into your eyes. “Swallow it up, birdie.” He coos softly. You chew quickly.
It does not taste like any brownie you’ve ever had before! It tastes like a skunk got in here and left a bunch of grass and plants! Barely a treat! You almost spit it out and Joel is laughing at you. With tears in his eyes at your reaction. He can barely look at you, he has to hold his hand up and cover your face with it.
“Stop.” He laughs. “It’s not–” More choked on laughter. He cannot even speak. “Stop’it. You’re too much.” He’s cracking up! It’s the funniest thing he’s ever seen, apparently.
“You stop it. That was awful! Where was the brownie!? Where was the chocolate?! It tastes like it grew out of the ground and got sprayed by a skunk!” Joel has bursted out into another fit of laugher, this time tears coming to his eyes while you speak.
“I’m gonna go take a lil square. You’re hilarious. I can’t imagine you when I’m stoned. Jesus. We’ll be laughin’ all night.” Joel gets up from the bed and gives you a small kiss. “I’ll send her in here to do homework while I get dinner started.”
Okay! You had nothing to worry about yesterday at the hospital. Joel was just lust filled and let a little of his bedroom voice and words get lost in the real life. It’s fine. It happens sometimes. You are his little bird and he is your… you don’t know. What would you call him? Your boyfriend? You two are grown. That feels so immature but he is not your husband…he has also not even asked you to be his girlfriend…not officially so stop thinking about this nonsense. You will call him Joel as always.
Ellie skids into the room like she owns the place and falls to her knees on the floor and starts to talk. About everything. Doesn’t stop until Joel comes in with bowls that are steaming with white trails coming off the top.
He sets a tray down in front of you. You did not realize how hungry you were. This looks amazing. It’s a soup of some kind, maybe a stew. You do not care. Hunger. Hunger has never pandered you in this way before. But your mouth is too dry it will not even open. The room is so quiet too. Joel has given you water on your little tray so you try to drink some. It’s so good. So refreshing. Joel has to get you two more glasses before you even start to eat.
“Thirsty much? Jeeze.” Ellie judges you but she doesn’t know what condition you’re in. You’re high for the first time. It’s horrifying.
“Leave her alone. She’s goin’ through it right now. Her medicine is strong.” Joel look at you from the chair he’s sitting in. You start giggling because you are going through it. Your heart is racing and everything feels like it’s moving too slow.
“What is this?” You ask Joel holding the soup up in your spoon. Your eyes feel so heavy but you are not tired. Not even in pain anymore, really. Your whole body just…doesn’t. It doesn’t feel like anything.
“Soup?” Joel gives you a worried look but you look into the bowl in awe.
“No, what kind of soup.” You ask, looking back up at him now. Joel chuckles and shakes his head.
“Venison.” He explains as he takes his own spoonful. Ellie pipes up from the floor beside you. It startles you because you forgot she was here. You almost drop your spoon of soup. You look down at her in fear.
“It’s good. Try some.” She sounds so innocent and here you are. High and dying in bed. Unable to swallow the soup you’ve up in your mouth because you forgot how to swallow.
What had Joel given you? What was in that horrible brownie!?
“Is she going to be okay?” Ellie asks, and you had once again forgotten she was there and it scares you.
“I have to go to bed.” You sigh and lay back against the pillows.
“Nope. We should go. C’mon. Let’s go eat at the table. Crybaby here can’t handle her shit.” Joel jokes. You do not see what happens next because your eyes are closed and your trying to remember if you breath from your left or right lung first…you cannot remember having to worry about this before but it has become the biggest issue in your brain right now. “C’mon. She’s gonna need to take a long nap.”
Everything feels so warm and so good. Your eyes are still closed and breathing is no longer an issue, it’s on automatic again and you can rest, not having to worry about shifting the gears of your body any longer. Everything is good and warm and wet and between your legs is throbbing in the best way. Your hips move slowly for some reason. It’s unknown to you why they’re doing that. Your hand is gripping something. Hair maybe. You don’t know.
“Such a good little girl for not touching her pussy.” The voice is deep and not coming from beside you. “So obedient.” It sounds like it’s close, the voice. Joel's voice. Your hand pushes back against the hair and you feel his head between your legs. “Oh do you want Daddy to stop?” Your walls clench around nothing when he speaks to you, and now your hand is pulling his hair closer to your middle again. He wraps his lips around you and presses his flat tongue against your clit. He moves it up and down slowly against the swollen nub he had been working on for the last forty minutes while you slept.
“Keep going, Daddy.” You whisper softly in your half-asleep state. This sends a shock to Joel’s system. He’s pressing his mouth harder against you, his two fingers that had been playing with your slit push inside of you.
“Say it again.” He growls against your cunt.
“Keep going, Daddy.” You repeat yourself, but it’s moaned now at the feeling of his fingers inside of you.
“You love when Daddy touches his little princess? ” He whispers as his fingers curl inside of you. You nod and moan quietly, arching your back at his touch “Say it to me then.” His country drawl between your legs vibrates something inside of you.
“I love when Daddy touches me.” These are not words you speak! You do not say things like that but they’re coming out of your mouth. Your brain still feels so fuzzy. But everything else feels so good. Waves of pleasure wash over you as Joel goes back to swirling large circles around your clit, his fingers still moving inside of you. But now your body moves with each thrust of them into your cunt.
“I love your lil pussy, baby.” Joel whispers softly. It makes your already dizzy and foggy brain spins more when he talks low like that against you. “I wanna feel baby come on Daddy’s fingers.” Now he’s curling them against you now but now slowly. Quickly. It makes your breath hitch in your throat. You haven’t been able to open your eyes, it’s like they’re glued shut. “Then Daddy is going to get you pregnant.”
Your hips move wildly against his fingers and tongue. It’s so fucking hot to be spoken to that way and you’ve never been spoken to like this. It makes your slickness leak out against Joel’ fingers. He curls his two fingers inside you quicker as his tongue tightens around your clit into those good circles. Those movements with meaning.
“Come for Daddy.” Then his tongue is back on you. You obey him because why would you not? It’s been building inside of you since you woke up, or maybe this was a dream in your influenced state. You gush, that good feeling. Joel is between your legs when you open your eyes and look down at him. He’s got your good leg up on his shoulder and he’s still making you come.
Your head falls back into the pillows and your grip in his hair tightens. His naughty words, taboo words do something to you. Make you come harder than you ever have. The drugs make everything feel better too.
“Daddy’s gonna fuck his princess now.” He leans up and your good leg stays on his shoulder.
“Okay, Daddy.” You whisper, your hand finds the back of his neck. You can feel him pressing the head of his cock into your entrance and you almost want to go back to sleep. Your head is so heavy.
“Shhhh baby, go back to sleep. Let Daddy do all the work.” He whispers into your ear as he thrusts himself into you. It jolts you, eyes open again and now your gripping on to Joel as he fucks you, short gentle bursts to not hurt your other leg. “You like getting fucked like this?” He growls down to you.
“Yes.” You respond, still groggy and fuzzy headed. “I do.”
“Yes, I do… what ?” He licks the arch of your ear gently as he speaks. His moves inside of you are calibrated. He knows exactly what to do to make you tremble below him. Make you say anything he wants.
“Yes, I do. Daddy.” You please him when you speak because he lets out a guttural moan and now he thrusts inside you deeply, pulling his hips back far until just the tip of him is inside of you.
“That’s a good girl. I love fucking this perfect slutty cunt. I love it so fucking much. So fucking flthy and perfect.” He groans as he holds onto one of your hips, the other is holding your ankle up to his shoulder. “You have to ask to come from now on, you better fuckin’ ask you you’ll get punished, okay, baby?” You nod, listening to his words. They're almost drown out by the feeling building inside of you.
“O-o-ookay.” You whimper. Joel laughs at you! Laughs into your ear and mocks you.
“Oo-okay.” He keeps laughing. “Sound fuckin’ stupid. My cock make you stupid? Huh?” You don’t know what to say because you’re not stupid just getting fucked and you’re stoned. “Open up.” Joel speaks before you can and you open your mouth. He moves his head and looks down at you, spitting into the back of your throat. Before you can close and swallow, one hand comes to grip your face, forcing your mouth back open. Joel does it again, leans in until his mouth is almost on yours and spits onto your tongue. “Stupid slutty baby.” Joel whsipers into your saliva filled mouth. “Stupid as the day I met you.”
You come. Hard all over Joel’s cock. He laughs again because you already forgot the rule he just gave you. You couldn’t help it. He just made you feel so good with his dirty fucking words and the way he was thrusting inside of you.
“Oh, just wait for Daddy to think up a punishment for his girl. He didn’t think it’d happen so fast.” Joel coos down to you lovingly. “Love feeling you fucking come on my cock though. You better do it again before the night is over, babygirl. My sweet little girl.” He’s still holding your face with his hands while he fucks you and talks down to you this way. You’re soaked between your legs and so is he while he slams himself inside of you.
“C-can I come again, Daddy?” You purr up to him as he drives another powerful forced thrust into your hips.
“No.” It’s short and with no explanation of why. You assume this is punishment. Joel moves his hips in short, speedy bursts. “Say you love Daddy and that you like— fuckin’ hell you’re so god damnned tight— tell Daddy you love him and that you like his cock in you like this.” Joel snaps it out quickly at you. “Then you can come. With me. You fucking whore.” You are so desperate for release and so high still that you just repeat what he told you to say. They flow out of your mouth effortlessly.
“I love you, Daddy. I love your c-cock in my pussy like this. Love when you lick my cunt, Daddy.” You throw in your own little flavor, see if it makes him happy and it does because he gives you the command, gives you release as he drives into you faster now.
“Come. Come for Daddy. You’re such a filthy whore. I love your stupid fucking cunt so god damned much, Jesus Christ.” Joel groans all those words out as he continues to thrust. You can feel his cock throb inside of you as he does it. He’s filling you. Another orgasm, your second or third. You cannot remember. As soon as it leaves your body you are asleep in the sheets and the pillows below Joel.
When you wake up it’s light outside and Joel is still in bed next to you, also asleep. Everything feels…strange. Like you’re still in a dream somehow.
You need less fucking medcine that for fucking sure. What the hell happened to you last night? Couldn’t eat dinner? Had the weirdest fucking dream… the weirdest fucking dream you’ve ever had. You’ve never said the words you spoke in that dream before. It’s yucky and weird and you do not like it. Not really…you don’t think. The dream has thoughts racing through your head. Joel was penetrating you between your legs in this dream! Maybe that won’t bother you so much when your able anymore. You don’t know when your leg stops hurtin’ so fuckin’ bad you wanna try!
“You awake, lil bird?” Joel asks groggily from behind you. You wrap one hand around his wrist to keep it from moving. He’s wrapped around your waist and you’re not ready for him to get up yet. “Okay…jeez. Don’t gotta squeeze so hard.” He teases, pressing gentle kisses behind your ear. You hold him to you and take in the fact that you don’t have to leave. No traveling. No running. No quests. Just you and Joel in this bed until Ellie got home and then you could be a normal family but right now you were going to be with this man for as long as you could.
“You really get to stay all day?” You turn your head to look at him. He nods and kisses your lips softly.
“All day.” Joel's voice is so deep. It reminds you of the dream you had.
“I had the weirdest dream last night.” You chuckle softly. “So weird. Might even be too weird for you.” You look flick your eyebrows at him. He narrows his eyes onto yours.
“Tell me.” He growls it, like he’s so excited he cannot wait to hear this dream you had.
You replay the whole thing. Say all the words and Joel watches and smirks. You’re shocked because he looks like he likes this.
“Did you like that dream?” Joel asks, once your finished. You think for a minute and nod. You remember the dream pretty well for it being a dream…and you being higher than a kite for the first time.
“I’ve never called anyone one that before. It sounds so weird.” You blush because it is…very naughty. Joel tips its head from one side and then to the other slowly, like he’s thinking. His finger traces along your bellybutton.
“It is a little weird. But it’s just cause you haven’t said it before.” Joel looks down into your eyes, he’s resting on his elbow. “Different things feel weird sometimes. Remember when I put it in your ass?” He raises his eyebrows at you and smirks. You blush again and nod. “I think it’s hot as hell. You should start calling me that when I fuck you.” Joel leans down and kisses you gently. You expect more, for things to go somewhere because of this sexy conversation but he pulls away. “Will you?” He’s looking for an answer right now.
“I guess. I don’t know. Let’s try it out soon and see how it goes?” You look up at him with your big eyes and he nods again.
“Yeah, we’ll see, Princess.” Joel leans down and kisses your temple softly and gets up to leave to go to the attached bathroom.
You think for a moment and try to remember if you told him about the part when he called you princess and you don’t think you did. You focused mainly on the fact that you were calling him daddy. You rack your brain and try to remember but you cannot. How can you remember a dream so well that happened while you were under the influence but not something you said four seconds ago? Strange. Blame it on the weed and the titillating dream you had last night.
Joel brings you coffee and you ask him what compelled him to call you princess. His eye do something…strange. Like…maybe flash to the side quickly before he gives you his very loving and caring response.
“Because that’s what you are today. A princess. My Princess.” Joel sips his own coffee and sits back next to you in bed. “Gonna treat you like one all day. How’s your leg feeling?” He nods down to it with his head. You shrug. Something about this whole princess thing has you feeling a little on edge.
“Fine.” You say, looking down into your cup of instant black coffee that tastes like soy sauce but it does perk you up a little. Just a little as you drink it. Joel pushes some hair behind your ear and calls you like a cat.
“Pst.” It’s quick but it does what he wanted, it makes you look at him. “Wanna smoke a joint with me?” He has another devilish grin on his face but this one is far more innocent then the last time he did it in the hospital room. You nod because now that Joel is with you, it doesn’t seem so scary to be high. He goes to the top drawer of his dresser and brings out one of those rolled cigarettes and a lighter. He lights it for you and then hands it to you after puffing softly.
“So we’re gonna get high and what? Struggle to breathe again? Because I struggled for a while last night before I fell asleep.” You hand the joint back to him after hitting it twice. It makes you cough but you sip your soy-sauce-coffee and it helps a little. Joel chuckles as he hits the joint a couple times and opens the window of the room. The breeze feels nice.
“You can struggle to breath and I can lick that perfect cunt. If you want me to?” Joel leans against the wall beside the window and you sigh. You want him too but you’re sore. Your leg and your whole middle just aches.
“I don’t know. I think it might be too soon? Hurts today. Worse than it did yesterday.” You take the joint from Joel’s outstretched hand. “Weird. Must be from all the moving around. Getting into the house and everything.” Joel nods in agreement and crosses his arms over his chest.
“Do you want a couple extra pillows? More blankets? Anything for you, crybaby.” Joel takes the joint from your outstretched hand and you wave your hand at him after.
“No more.” You cough softly. “Can’t do it anymore.” You wheeze. Joel chuckles and pinches the cherry with his fingertips after he licks them. “Yes to pillows. No more blankets. I’m sweating. Joel places the joint on the window sill and pulls the sheets back. You have no shorts or underwear on. You cannot remember if you put them on when you got home…no. Joel didn’t put any on after he gave you a little thorough sponge bath. Just the nightgown.
“You alright?” Joel asks, noticing you looking into your lap.
“Just wonderin’ where my panties are.” You smirk up at him. He smirks back at you.
“I never put ‘em back on you after the hospital. Easier access.” He kisses your forhead and leaves the room to go shower.
When would he have needed access? And easily?
Chapter 2: Buffalo 666
Summary:
Thing's feel off but you cannot put your finger on why.
Notes:
as always trigger warning for influencing sexual situations, coercion, being under the influence during sexual situations
smutty but...not for smut reasons. idk, go spin some disks to this if you want.
buffalo 666 by every time i die
Chapter Text
Joel comes back from the bathroom and you are giggly.
“Come snuggle with me.” You hold your arms out to him and smile up at him with hooded, bloodshot eyes. Your arms feel like they weigh 4 billion pounds. Joel looks down at you from the side of the bed and crawls over to you.
“Oh, Birdie wants me to hold her? Pet her real gently ?” He coos into your ear as he takes you into his arms. You nod and close your eyes, pressing the uninjured side of your body into him. “I love taking care of you. I love protecting you.” Joel kisses the side of your face gently.
“Keep talkin’.” You murmur softly as you snuggle back down into bed. All anxieties you ever had are gone. This is much better than the brownie, if you could even call it that. Joel chuckles as he kisses across your face all over gently and slowly.
“I was scared I was gonna lose you. I ran so fast to get here so I could bring you home.” Joel whispers sweet words against your skin. “My whole world is here now. In this bed. At school. Right here and I don’t have to move mountains or kill people to keep them safe anymore.” Joel’s voice is making your body buzz. “I would though. I’d kill anyone who ever touched you.” He goes back to kissing your cheeks and now your eyelids and forehead.
“Do you want to be my boyfriend?” You open your eyes as much as you can in your state and smile up at him because he is…technically…already your boyfriend? You think? You do not know. Joel looks down at you now, also with hooded bloodshot eyes and nods slowly.
“I do, baby. I thought I already was.” He leans down and kisses your lips softly. You giggle against his mouth and close your eyes again because it’s too much work to keep them open.
“I thought that too! I was just thinking about it, but we never talked about it. And I like to talk about things. I do.” You nod up at him with your eyes still closed. “I can’t stop thinking about that dream, Joel.” You whisper up to him. He leans down and breathes softly against your mouth.
“Call me Daddy, I like hearing you say it.”
“Okay, Daddy.” You murmur and he kisses you softly after the words leave your mouth. He sighs loudly from his nose as he does it, the hot air expelled against your lips and cheeks. It makes you dizzy knowing you do that to him.
It feels good to make him do stuff like that. Moan and groan and sigh like he is. You want to keep him making those sounds so you’ll do as he says. Because you like being a princess and you like being a good girl. Pleasing Joel makes you happy. You know it in your heart. Joel pulls away from you now.
“Gonna teach you how to use that mouth. Make it filthy like mine.” Joel draws it out in his Texas accent. “You wanna learn how to talk like a slut since I fuck you like one?”
“Yes, Daddy.” You nod your head. He holds your face in his hand and presses on your cheeks with his fingers where your teeth meet, forcing it open. He spits into it, twice. He holds your mouth open like that.
“Speak more. Say more than two fuckin’ words.” He spits into your mouth again and lets it go with a soft push. “Swallow.” You obey and open your eyes to look up at him. He’s looking down at you with his brown eyes and they’re so dark. You love them. His graying facial hair, his dark, thick messy mane. Love everything about him.
“Yes, Daddy. I’ll use m-my filthy mouth— just like you want me to. Like a g-good g-girl.” You look up at him and he shakes his head from side to side like he's disappointed. Your heart shatters.
“G-g-good g-girl.” He mocks you gently. “Lose the fuckin’ stammer unless I got my hands on you. It makes you sound stupid. I only want you cock stupid. Come stupid. Be confident in yourself, baby. You can do it. ” He presses the back of his fingers to your cheek gently and drags them down to your jaw.
“I’m sorry, Daddy. I’m just nervous.” You whisper up to him honestly. Joel growls lowly from his throat and presses his forehead to yours. “Don’t be mad at me, Daddy.” Joel presses his forehead against yours tighter after you speak like he’s frustrated with you, trying to hold back something. When he speaks it’s like he’s snarling.
“That is fucking perfect." Joel is so proud of you somewhere in that deep snarl of approval. His voice quickly changes to very sweet and comforting. "Have to just be confident, baby girl.” Joel is rocking his hips against the side of your good thigh, you can feel his length against your skin, he’s ten thousand degrees and it’s making your head spin. “Talk about your cunt, sweetie. Daddy loves hearing you talk about it.” You want words to come out of your mouth but it feels like you have literal charcoal dust in your mouth. It’s sucked all the moisture out and now, you’re tongue is stuck to the roof of your mouth. “Awwww, cat got your tongue, lil girl?” He whispers into your ear.
“Water.” You gasp. Joel shoots out of bed and into the bathroom, he returns with a glass of water and a throbbing erection right at face level. Your bloodshot eyes stare at it as he hands you the glass of water. You try to take it from him but your eyes are not looking for water now, they’re glued to his cock and you’re just reaching for air—near the glass but not even touching it. Your hand opens and closes around nothing as he makes it flex and jump in front of your face.
“Cock stupid. That’s how I like you. Look’it you. Can’t take your eyes off it.” Joel pushes his hips forward towards you. You reach out with your other hand and try to touch him but he pulls away. “No.” It’s stern and makes you look up at him, now his eyebrows are furrowed and he’s pressing the glass of water into your outstretched hands. “Nope. Not for you. Not today or tomorrow or the next.” You bring the glass to your lips and gulp as your eyes go wide in a lack of understanding. “Punishment. You don’t get to touch. You don’t get to come. You don’t get to do nothin’ but talk. And swallow. ‘Cause Daddy still has to come, right baby?” He nods down at you as you drink the entire glass of water. “Say it.” You hold the empty glass in your lap.
“You’re right, Daddy.” You gasp, looking up at him now and he presses his thumb against your bottom lip, drags it down and then releases it. It snaps back up to your upper lip with a small, hollow popping sound. He grins down at you.
“You’re so fuckin’ good. God damn. I got fuckin’ lucky.” His voice is so deep. “Princess hungry? I’ll make us eggs. Got some fresh bread from the neighbor so I can make toast too.” You nod silently.
In your high…paranoid state maybe something is telling you that this doesn’t feel…normal. This isn’t how a boyfriend spoke to their girlfriends…right? You don’t know. You only had one when you were fifteen and he used to call you ‘shorty’, so baby girl and princess and… cock stupid are better than that? Yes? You don’t fucking know. What even is a boyfriend? A man who loves you and cares for you and protects you and Joel does all those things. What’s the issue? He was in your kitchen, making you eggs naked. With his big fucking cock swinging between his legs and you LOVE that. So much. It’s the most amazing experience you’ve ever had. Want to continue to have it.
You think.
You don’t know! It was fun— so much fucking fun, trekking through the woods every four nights a couple months ago. Sneakin’ around. Bein’ disgusting in that cabin together. Now he’s speaking to you in this way and it makes you feel so many different things. Disgusting still, yes–absolutely. You love it but now you…care for him? But he also makes you…nervous? The man sprinted through the cocksuckin’ woods for five hours to get you to safety. Rode all the way back to you on horseback and then held you on his horse the entire way back. Your cold and almost dead body. He must care for you. Has to. Who would do that for someone they just wanted to fuck and call names? Who?!
“Why you lookin’ so fretful?” Joel asks as he walks in with a plate of food for you. You can eat this time. The eggs and toast go down so easily. You look around the room like there is a buffet in here you can go up and get seconds at but there is just dressers and wood. No more food. You whine quietly in frustration when you realize there is not even a crumb left for you to lick off the plate. Joel looks at your empty plate and swaps with you, giving you the last half of his breakfast. “For Princess. Hurry up and finish though. You gotta shower and try to get up and move. Doctors orders.”
The shower is fuckin’ cold—what the fuck? You’re not a stranger to a cold dip in the river or a bird bath in the sink but a whole shower of freezing cold water felt more like a punishment than not being able to come for three whole days. You could do it. You had just gone however many fucking weeks without it. What’s three more days?
“Put your leg up here.” Joel taps the calf of your bad leg and then points to the edge of the tub. You carefully rest your foot up on it and keep all your weight on your good leg. Joel washes you with soap. He gets into every crevice and fold you have and then he rinses. He does that with the rest of you. Then he shuts the water off and looks at you, shivering, leaving up against the wall of the shower. “Keep your leg up there.” He rests one hand on the side of your head and leans into you while looking into your eyes his other hand pressed tightly against your cunt. He starts to rub. "Let Daddy touch that pussy."
You didn’t think he was going to let you and now you’re hips are working against his fingers, pushing into his hand harder. He lets you and chuckles against your cheek as he kisses you.
“Yeah baby, move those hips. Get yourself nice and wet for Daddy.” His voice grumbles so deeply. You moan softly as he stiffens his hands and quickens his movement against you. Fast, back and forth against your clit. You’re still shivering and now, sliding up and down slightly on the slick wall behind you. “Fuck yeah.” Deep gravel country drawl in your ear as he slips two fingers into your folds and up inside of you. He curls them, fast and aggressive like he’s trying to pull you closer to him from inside of you. It's so intense and almost feels like it's too much. It makes you moan loudly. Joel sighs and works his fingers faster.
“Oh, fuck. Yes, Daddy. Can I please come?” It brings you there so fast, your good knee starts to buckle and he pulls his fingers away at just the last moment, you were just about to release all over him. Your eyes open in horror as you watch him suck his two fingers clean. Entirely. Joel shakes his head no, down at you.
“Nope. Did you forget? You come stup– you didn’t even come. You just actin’ stupid. Knock it off.” Joel leans in and kisses your forehead. “C’mon. You’re chitterin’ and shivering like crazy.”
Joel dries you. Changes your bandage after he cleans your gunshot wound. Puts you in sweatpants and a t-shirt. Comfy clothes. The first comfy clothes you’ve worn in years. You can put a small amount of weight on your leg. It hurts with each step but you can do it, Joel holds on to your arm on your weak side to give you some support.
“Perfect. You got it.” Joel kisses the side of your head as you sit gingerly at the kitchen table. You watch him as he goes into the kitchen and looks in all the cupboards.
Denying you a good come. How dare he? You didn’t think he’d be bringing you right there, point to it and say ‘hey, you see that right there? Put your hand on it, touch it’ and then the minute you fucking reach for it, he pulls you away and goes ‘hahahaha you’re so dumb, idiot’. What the fuck was that? Come denial!? Is that even a thing?
Joel returns with more toast but this time it has jam of some sort on it.
“I got the jam from the neighbor woman as well. Her name is Ava.” Joel sits down at the table with you. “She’s nice. Lil bit older than you maybe. Just her in the house. She’s two doors over. Nice lady.” Joel watches you eat.
Who the fuck is Ava? And why does Joel know so much about her? Hmph. You do not like this Ava even though she makes great bread and good jam. It’s not very sweet but whatever. Neither was the brownie. Sugar must be scarce. Stop making sweets then and try to pass them off as sweets!
“It’s good.” You say, holding up the jammed toast. “I’ll have to go thank her myself.” You say this but you do not mean it. You will thank her but mostly you’ll limp over there in your best sweat pants and your best t-shirt and you’ll eye up the competition. Because why is she giving your boyfriend jams and bread? This is all coming from nowhere, because you have been hospitalized, in a literal coma. She was probably just being nice but look at Joel! Look’it him! He’s handsome and he’s King Swinging Fuckin’ Big Dong and you can see it. Even when he’s not excited it just sits there in his jeans. You have to tell Joel to get less tight jeans! Oh no! There are other women with eyes around now and they can see it too and this terrifies you. You start to sweat.
“What are you fuckin’ thinkin’ about? Your eyes are movin’ ten million miles a minute, birdie.” Joel sounds concerned about you.
“Do you see Ava often?” You look at him now and take another bite of your toast which you now feel is suddenly too dry. Ava is the worst. Can’t bake for shit. The worst. Joel drops his chin to his chest and looks at you through his thick, beautiful eyelashes. “What!? I can’t ask questions?” You avoid his beautiful eyes now. They’re judging you.
“What if I did?” Joel asks suddenly. You almost drop your toast, you fumble it around between your hands for two seconds before you look at him.
“Do you?” How dare he tell you not to get ideas while potentially going out with your friend, but he gets to go over to Ava’s house whenever he wants? What was he doing with Ava while you were in the hospital?
“Maybe.” Joel smirks. “Why?” He’s enjoying this. Enjoy seeing you jealous over him. “She’s a baker. I like baked goods. So do you, apparently. She is also one of Ellie’s teachers at school.”
“Oh. Okay.” Is all you say. That’s it. Jealousy and anger and now sadness wash over you.
“Oh stop’it.” Joel bats at your hand gently. “She ain’t as fun as—”
“How would you know how much fun she is or isn’t!?” You exclaim, now tossing the piece of toast in your hand on the plate in front of Joel. “How would you even know that?” Joel is laughing.
“Someone is jealous. A jealous lil bird.” You give him the finger and rest your head on your fist. “Put that bird away before I punish you again. Did you forget our chat about bein’ disrespectful that one time, baby?” He leans in and gives you a lashed, chin-in-his-chest look. “I’ll give it to you this time cause I was eggin’ you on but don’t forget your place.”
“And what’s my place?” You look at him seriously. Joel sits up, slides the plate in front of him out of the way, folds his hands in front of himwhere the plate had been and looks at you just as seriously.
“Below me.” Joe is stern. Serious. Not bedroom talk. “You’re my woman. My bird. My slut. That’s my pussy. You. Are. Mine.” He’s growling at you. “You want to be here? You have a choice. I won’t hold you fuckin’ hostage. But if you stay, there’s gonna be rules and you’ll follow them.” His eyes are locked on to yours. “This ain’t no fun game out in the woods, Birdie. This is real life now.”
“What rules?” You ask, not taking your eyes off him either. Your heart is pounding in your chest. You swallow hard as Joel leans into the table.
“Whatever I say, Birdie.” He whispers. “I don’t ever want to hurt you. I like to bring you pleasure. I like making you happy. Seeing you smile.” He smirks at you and reaches for your hand with one of his hands. You don’t take it yet, he has more to say. “I’ll give you everything. A house. A husband. I’ll put a fuckin’ baby or two into you. You just gotta do as I say. Love me. Be a good mom. I’ll give you the whole fuckin’ world, babygirl. You just gotta follow the rules.” His hand on the table urges for yours softly. You place your hand in his because he doesn’t want to hurt you. Doesn’t want you to come for three days but that’s fine. “You saved me. I owe you my whole life, Bird.” His eyes soften and he squeezes your hand gently. You sigh before you respond to him, because he’s right. And so do you.
“I owe you mine.”
Joel made himself come twice into your open mouth before it was no longer just the two of you home alone. Jerking himself off with your help as he stood over you on the bed. You talked dirty up to him and touched his balls for him. The sound and faces he made...you've never gotten so wet before watching him do that to himself.
“It stinks in here; like a skunk.” Ellie wrinkles her nose as she walks into your room and sits on the bed next to you. “Did you shower today?” She teases and rests her head on your shoulder. You rest your head on hers.
“I did shower. It’s my medicine for my leg. Stinky. Gross.” You wrinkle your nose even though she can’t see you.
“Makes you fucking act weird.” She laughs softly. “You almost fell asleep in your soup last night. Laughing! You were laughing in your sleep too!” She is accusing. “Never seen any kind of medicine like that before.” She murmurs.
“Me either, kid. It’s all brand new to me. Do you have homework? You know Joel is going to get on you about it.” She leaves your bed for a moment and then grabs her book bag to bring back to you.
She does homework sprawled out on yours and Joel’s bed for the next hour while you watch her and answer questions she has about Old World History.
“No. Osama Bin Ladin. Sadam Hussein is a different guy. I think. Yeah, they’re different.” You point to something on a piece of paper she has. “I was there that day. The day the towers fell. My family had been in the city. We weren’t supposed to be but damn. It was fuckin’ crazy.” You whisper to her.
“Worse than the outbreak?” She looks over to you as you stare into space and remember something from so long ago that you haven’t thought of in so long.
“No. Just different.”
The night of the outbreak had been…chaotic to say the least. Your dad had been well armed and had already packed the car. After the first gunshot your dad said it was time to go. Couldn’t wait for your sister. You and your mom left a note on the counter in the kitchen in case she showed up and told her where you were going but you didn’t ever make it to your final destination. You had driven through the state of New York and into Ohio. You had planned on going to California because that's where your brother said things were looking good. Like they had things under control but once the gas ran out and you could no longer stop and get more… You had to walk.
Your mom died almost immediately. She had not been ready for all of this. She was scared and jumpy and couldn’t keep her big, New Jersey mouth shut. Ever. It felt like three minutes you were out of the car and she was gone. You and your dad walked, ran, survived together for so fucking long. You remember when Ellie asked if he was nice. He was not. He was mean. Didn’t understand why you couldn’t shoot a gun right away. Didn’t understand why you were scared. Pushed you around while you hiked through the Canadian wilderness. You crossed the border in Minnesota somewhere and then dropped back down into the states somewhere in Montana. You dad fell, stabbed himself in the leg with his own knife and died, septic while you sat by and watched, unable to help. You walked and walked for so fucking long. You had been traveling for twelve years. Camping in colonies peppered all over. You always move after a while though. Finally settled in Wyoming. Found this colony a while before Joel showed up but liked being on your own.
That wasn’t like the day the towers fell. Not even a little bit.
Ellie and you sat like that for another hour until Joel came in with dinner. You wanted to ask if he got that from Ava too, but with Ellie right here, you don’t. Ellie talks about her day at school while you all eat.
A game of Sorry! is played on the bed after dinner. You give Ellie a kiss on the cheek before she goes to bed.
You and Joel smoke the rest of the joint from earlier before he crawls into bed with you.
“Let Daddy suck your tits, baby girl.” He’s pushing your shirt up but you fight him softly.
“You’re not going to let me come, so why torture me?” You whine as he licks from your belly button up to your sternum.
“Cause I want to. Simple.” Joel forces your shirt up over your chest and takes the hard peak of your breast into his mouth, his tongue swirling around the bud quickly.
“Joel, it’s to—”
“What’d you call me?” He snaps his head up to look at you, his eyes focused on yours. It’s almost alarming. “You just call me by my name?”
“I’m s-sorry, Daddy.” You look down at him as he resumes his lapping and sucking of your tits.
“Talk dirty to me babygirl, like Daddy showed you earlier.” Joel says this with your nipple between his teeth. It makes you groan softly. This is the first time that he’s ever put his mouth on you like this. It’s fucking exhilarating You’ve never had a mans mouth on your nipples like this before. It feels so fucking incredible.
“Suck on my tits, Daddy. I like w-when you bite them.” You whimper softly as he bites down on the other nipple, now with a little more force at your words. He pulls his head back and lets your bud slip from within his teeth, they rake against your sensitive peak. It draws a whine from your throat.
“Fuckin’ Jesus. Keep fuckin’ talkin, baby.” Joel’s straddling your good thigh, thrusting against your skin, you can feel him again. His screaming hot length against your upper thigh. Something comes over you. You want to see if you can get him to forget punishment. Forget all about it like you forget things when you’re pleasure filled.
“I want you to fuck me, Daddy. I want your cock in every single one of my holes.” You whisper up into his ear. Joel grips your hip with one of his hands and looks down into your eyes.
“Don’t stop.” He murmurs softly, his hips thrusting faster now.
“Put it inside me, please. I’ll be a good girl.” You speak softly…innocently, up to him. Joel has to clench his eyes shut and press his forehead against yours. “Please, Daddy?” Joel lets out a guttural moan before he opens his eyes and looks down into yours. “Please. You can get me pregnant.” You whimper again, batting your eyelashes softly. He groans from deep in his chest.
“Fuuuck.” Joel rips his head away from yours and moves his other knee to between yours and throws your good leg up onto his shoulder and holds your ankle there as he places himself at your entrance while he strokes himself with his fist. “ You’re fuckin’ naughty. ” Joel growls as he pushes just his hips forward, driving himself into you quickly. It jolts you and suddenly…you have a flash of deja vu. This was in your dream you had the other night.
“Joel—” He puts his fingers into your mouth to quiet you.
“Don’t fuckin’ call me that in here- not in the bedroom. I’m your fuckin’ Daddy in here, do you understand me?” Joel is harsh with you as he continues to thrust into you vigorously. “Suck.” He coos now, down to you as you wrap your lips around his fingers, swirling your tongue. “Good fuckin’ Princess.” He grips your ankle tighter as he fucks you.
You’re walking this threshold of being scared and also very turned on. You think you’re in love with Joel. You don’t know why. Something about being with him all the time and how good he is to you outweighs the fear of the things he says and does to you in the bedroom because he’s not really ever hurting you. Never. If he did it was always consensual and it ended when you spoke up about it. You don’t think that is his ever his intention.
But something about all of this, being high and so fucked up while he touches you…feels good but it doesn’t necessarily feel nice. It feels like you’re being…used. Or taken advantage of! That's it! Taken advantage of in your high state. Even though you begged for this- were you really the one begging for it? You’re so high you don’t fucking know and the weed makes you so paranoid. So fearful for some reason…but you had been afraid in the hospital too. Everything was so confusing and maybe you just wouldn't smoke anymore weed. You’d just be in pain but clear headed from now on.
“Fuck baby girl. Yes. Let Daddy come inside you.” Joel groans loudly. You feel his cock twinge inside of you. This orgasm is long and he moans and thrusts himself inside of you the entire time. You feel like he comes forever. Where does he get it all?
He came while you were lost in thought! You hadn’t even been focused on coming! Jesus Christ. Your own plan— foiled with dumb thoughts!
“And she followed her punishment. Good fuckin’ girl.” He growls, kissing your forehead before withdrawing from you with the squelch-iest wet noise you’ve ever heard come from between your legs. It even grabs Joel’s attention and his eyes fall to your middle as he crawls out of bed. “Fuckin’ shop vac. It’s a vacuum. A wet one.” Joel smirks down at you. This makes you smile because you like when he compliments you. A lot. You love praise and being called a good girl and a princess and a fuckin’ filthy slut. You do love it. But… you still feel so uneasy with him right now.
Joel walks into the bathroom, comes back with a cloth and is wiping himself down. Then he wipes you down while kissing your forehead.
“You can come tomorrow. I was harsh. I like when you come with me.” Joel walks back into the bathroom before you can say anything. You’re left alone feeling frustrated and annoyed and horny still. High as fucking shit right now too.
“Water. Please.” You croak out before he can leave the bathroom. He brings you back a glass and holds it out. His flaccid cock is still so god damned big- it's literally swinging between his legs. It’s still awe inducing even not throbbing. Joel sees you looking and covers it with one hand.
“Always starin’ at it. You make me self conscious.” He teases as you take the water from him.
“It’s fuckin’ perfect.” You say after taking a sip. “And all mine.” You flick your eyes up to him. “I mean it. Mine.” Joel smiles now, a big wide one and leans in. "That big dick is mine."
“That’s it baby. Claim me. What else?” You've awakened something within Joel. You can see it flash behind his eyes.
“I’ll knock that fuckin’ Ava bitch and you both the fuck out if I ever find out something happened or happens between you two. Understand me?” You lean in and kiss his lips. He nods. Big happy nods of understanding. “Good. Get into bed with me.” You demand it from him.
“Jesus H Christ. Who the fuck is this? I love her! God damn,” He crawls into bed excitedly and pulls you into him after you set the water on the night stand. “I’m all turned on again. Keep going.” Joel is giggling. Like a little kid. It makes you laugh and sink down into the mattress with him.
“Nothin’ happened while I was in the hospital, right? Between you and Ava?” Joel gives you a look of shock.
“Baby. I would never. I promise. I’m not that kinda guy. You’re my ol’lady. You and you alone.” He kisses your lips softly. This eases fears and worries in your heart. “I’m yours and only yours.” Joel lays you back down onto the bed with him. “What’ll calm your mind, Birdie?” He whispers softly.
“I’m fine. I mean it. Just a lil jealous.” You whisper against his parted lips. “Mine.” You nip at his bottom lip and now he smiles.
“Soon as you’re good enough to walk…” He whispers. You give him a confused look. He says nothing and just smiles.
What does that mean? He’s going to fuck you into oblivion? Fine with you. He doesn't respond.
Joel holds you close to him until the both of you fall asleep.
You sit with Ellie in the kitchen, helping her with her math homework. She’s stuck and you are no help to her. It’s the worst. Joel comes in with more of Ava’s bread and her nasty jam. It’s not nasty it’s good but you dislike Ava. You watch as Joel helps her much more easily than you could and it makes you feel dumb. You should know these things like Joel does but your education was stolen from you and these things you had barely learned were pushed out of your head with things like how to shoot and how to skin animals and how to know what direction you’re going in without a compass.
Joel kisses Ellie's forehead when she’s done and you all sit at the table and look at each other quietly.
“There’s a boy at school. Real fuckin’ dick.” Ellie says over a mouthful of bread. It makes both Joel and yourself chuckle.
“What’s he do?” You ask, taking a bite of your own bread. She shakes her head and sighs.
“Trips me in the halls. Calls me Smelly Ellie. He likes the girl I like.” She rolls her eyes and this makes you hold back a smirk. “Jerk-off.” Now you laugh.
“How do you know he doesn’t like you?” Joel asks and you wrinkle your nose.
“Ew. No. Boys or girls who like you, Ellie, will not be mean to you. They might tease you a lil, try and make you smile! It wont be mean! And they won’t call you names…” You look at Ellie and she’s hanging on your words. “..they’ll be nice to you. Call you sweet things and make you feel good. Don’t let mean people trick you into thinking they’re nice.” Your eyes flick up to Joel’s, he’s looking right at you. Big dark eyes staring right into yours like he had been waiting for you to look at him. You look back to Ellie quickly. “You’ll know when someone likes you, babe.” You reach out and rub your hand against hers.
Bedtime.
Life is boring when you can’t fuckin’ do shit. Jesus. Can’t leave the house. Can’t walk up or down the stairs yet. Boring.
Joel hands you a joint. You shake your head from side to side.
“I don’t know. I feel weird when I’m high.” You look up at him but he urges you to take it. This makes you feel uneasy again. Why does he want you to be high so badly.
“Baby, it’s gonna help. It’s been helpin’ right? He gives you sympathetic eyes.
“I have weird dreams and I don’t think straight when I smoke that. Or eat those brownies.” You look up at him, trying to make him put it away with your eyes. He does not. He lights it, puffs on it twice and hands it to you.
“Smoke it, baby. You get so giggly. It helps. You're so fun, too.” You take it from him as he speaks, looking at him caution in your eyes. “Stop lookin’ at me like that. Smoke it.” Joel nods his chin up at you. You hit it a couple times and hand it back to him. “Good girl.” It makes your stomach flutter when he calls you that.
“You gonna make me laugh tonight?” You look up at him and suck on your bottom lip gently. He nods at you slowly as he puffs on the joint with you. “Oh yeah? Mr. Big Carpenter guy has jokes?” He smirks at you and passes the joint back.
“Whatever it takes to make you laugh the way you did when I whooped your ass that one night. Cryin, snortin’ or whatever that sound was.” Joel chuckles at the memory. You laugh too now because you remember him sounding so downtrodden in the dark that he didn’t make you come. Then he whooped you with an old TV cable, and you liked it, dirty birdie. “C’mon. Get up.” Joel helps you out of bed. He stands in front of you and holds one of your hands up in his, near both of yours shoulders and the other on your waist. “Put’it up here.” Joel elbows your limp lazy hand at your side and nods to his shoulder. You do and then he sways you gently from side to side.
Joel is slow dancing with you in your bedroom and it’s so fucking cute. Who is this man?
“You wanted to dance with me?” You ask softly, looking up at him. His eyebrows flick up once and he nods, pressing his lips to your forehead. You never got to slow dance with anyone. You hadn't gone to prom yet. Hadn't been to a single school dance because your dad always said no. Now Joel was fulfilling a long lost dream of yours.
“Sure did, sweetness. Love being close to you.” Joel makes sure to not sway you to far on your bad leg but he does that and slowly, very slowly moves you around the bedroom. Sometimes he hums to you, other times he’s just kissing you gently. “I’m gonna marry you.” He whispers gently in between kisses. “I will.” Joel dances you slowly back to bed as you stare up at him with hooded, bloodshot eyes again.
“Really?” It’s been several minutes since he said that and he had since taken off his clothes except for his boxers and crawled into bed next to you. Joel nods and sighs softly.
“Unless you don’t wanna. I want to. I want to marry you. Give you my last name. Give Ellie my last name if she wants it. Be a family. A real one. You can give her a sibling or two. Stay here forever with me?” Joel looks over at you with big, brown eyes and a small smile. You nod at him sleepily.
“Yes. Forever.” You whisper up to him as he now rolls onto his side to look down at you.
“You’ll be mine…forever?” He whispers softly. You nod up at him. He raises his eyebrow and gives you a knowing look. “You know better than that, Princess. Use your words.”
“I’ll be yours. Forever, Daddy.” You look up at him and now Joel is the one sucking on his bottom lip; the words you just said gave him some sort of satisfaction. He loved it. He leans down and whispers in your ear. It tickles and makes you giggle in your influenced state. You feel weightless right now and his words do nothing to help that dizzy feeling inside of you.
“I love you, baby girl.”
“I love you too, Daddy.”
What the fuck happened last night? It definitely was not a dream. Not at all. It felt like one though. You’re up before Joel again and everything inside of you is telling him to wake his ass up and talk about what happened because you two just officially started dating. You thought you’d do that for a while before he proposed! And then you guys had sex! It was good sex but…you didn’t have sex. That part was a dream. For sure. You were on punishment. Who knows? You’re too worried about Joel proposing to also worry about dreams you have when you’re higher than the fucking Eifflel Tower! If that’s even what he did last night–propose! You don’t fucking remember! This is so scary. What the fuck is going on? You purposefully stir next to Joel with some oomph so he wakes up. It works.
“Mornin’.” He grumbles. His deep sleep filled voice gives you butterflies. You forgot what you were going to say. “Pretty.” He murmurs before closing his eyes again and touching your belly gently. His tongue touched just behind his slightly parted lips and now all you want to do is kiss him but you don’t! You remember why you woke him up.
“Did you propose to me last night?” You’re eyeing him suspiciously. Joel’s eyes snap open and they look at you curiously.
“More– more like a promise. I don’t even— we didn’t— You don’t got a ring on your finger yet. Slow down.” Joel takes his rough calloused hand and tries to closes your eyes gently and pushes your head back to the pillows. “Go back to bed. Damn. Actin’ like we still gotta run somewhere. Where we runnin’ to? Back to bed. That’s where. Close your damn eyes, woman.” He grumbles into your ear sleepily.
A huge sigh of relief comes over you because yes. That was fine. A promise. You could make promises. You can keep a promise too.
Your leg healed a lot while you were in a coma. It wasn’t a serious gunshot wound. It didn’t hit any bones or any major arteries. It did go deep into your muscle though and the doctors and nurses had taken it out. The stitches came out while you were unconscious. Now, you just have to get your body back to the way it was before.
Within three days you were up, limping around the house with Joel when he was home. It was wet and rainy today so he was off and following you around with his hands on your ass. Being silly. Sweet. Goofy. It was fun. He was so different now than he was before and out on the road.
“Cheeks for fuckin’ days. Lemme put my face between ‘em. C’mon, lean right on the counter.” Joel teases as he grips your ass in his hands and jiggles it gently. He hasn’t touched it in almost seven weeks. He missed it.
“Leave me alone you horny animal. Are you in rut?” You chuckle at him as you do some dishes. It felt good to get back to the normal flow of a regular life. Dinner was on the woodstove. You cooked today and wanted to have food almost ready for when Ellie got home from studying with her friends.
“For you? Yes.” He leans in and kisses your shoulder gently through your sweater. “Only you.” Now he presses his hips against yours from the back. “Love giving you this hard cock.”
“Joel!” You swat him away from you. You are sore. You had wanted to wait a couple days to get your leg back in normal, working order but he couldn’t wait. You kinda couldn’t wait either. Things just happened. Almost every night except your first night home from the hospital when you ate that brownie and the other night when you slow danced.
“Okay! I’m sorry I can’t help it. You’re too fuckin’ sexy and I missed you .” He coos the last part into your ear. It makes you shiver.
“Missed me. Ha! You’ve had me almost every night, Mister.” You push your hips back against his gently but his hands shoot to your waist and hold you there. He grinds against you, up and down, roughly. You can feel his length through his jeans and he’s exhaling so hard through his nose every time he moves his hips like it feels so good.
The front door opens and you both hear Ellie’s heavy, running footsteps into the kitchen. You have never seen Joel move so fast out of a room in your life. He’s down the hallway before Ellie can run in and see him in his aroused state. You both hear the bathroom door close loudly from down the hall. You chuckle.
“He must’a had to go real bad. I heard him running to the bathroom. Jeez.” Ellie hugs you tight. Not a day has gone by since you’ve been home that she doesn’t hug you first thing when she gets home from school. In the mornings…different story. She’s grumpy. You give her breakfast and talk to her as little as you can because she’s frightening. Not fun.
“Yeah he was just telling me how bad he had to go.” You lie and kiss the top of her head. “Missed you at school. Glad tomorrow is Saturday. We can walk around town together if it’s not too wet.” She looks up at you, arms still around your waist and nods happily.
“Yes please. Yes. Yes. I want to show you all the cool stuff and where me and my friends have been hanging out and everything!” She is so excited. And literally the most perfect child. You and Joel did the right thing. You’re so glad you didn’t go back to Jackson after the argument with Joel in the driveway after she had been taken.
“I love you.” It comes out of your mouth before you can stop it. Her arms drop and she looks at you with wide eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t m—” Before you can finish she hugs you tighter, squeezes you and presses her head into your shoulder. She doesn’t say it back. That’s okay. But you’re glad she knows how much you care for her. Almost died for her, would have– easily.
“You’re the best. I’m glad Joel brought you with us. I wasn’t at first but…I’m glad you came. Glad you said yes to him.” She looks up at you now, with her own big brown eyes and smiles. “I really am. You’re gonna make a great mom.” Her smile softens drastically but it’s still there and she hugs you tight, resting her head on your shoulder again.
You are speechless. You just hold her one arm against your waist and smile.
“I have homework to do. Do you think you could help me?” She asks as she pulls away from you. You’re now peeling potatoes into the sink for dinner.
“Can you ask Joel when he comes out of the bathroom? Go wash. Change. Stop stinkin’ the place up and maybe we can all work on it together before dinner is done.” She nods and runs upstairs with her book bag.
Joel comes out of the bathroom a couple minutes later and checks if the coast is clear.
“Wanna know what I did just now?” Joel whispers into your ear, his tongue teases your earlobe when he's finished speaking. You look over your shoulder at him with an eyebrow raised.
“I don’t know…do I?” You ask with a lip curled in distaste. Joel nods at you slowly. “Okay. Tell me. Weirdo.”
“I sucked on a pair of your panties and jerked off into another pair. Covered them in my fuckin’ come. You taste so fucking good, lil' girl.” He growls it lowly into your ear and you drop the potato you have in your hand.
“You sucked on my panties?” You blink at him. He nods and does the little flick of his eyebrow. His tongue dances slowly behind his lips. You fucking love when he does that. You can see just the tip of it behind his teeth and his slightly parted mouth. Fuck. Joel is so hot. You do kiss him now, quickly.
“Do you like that?” He gives you his big beautiful, brown eyed look he’s so fucking good at. You do like it. It made your fucking pussy twinge when he said that. Unsure as to why it turns you on so much. You nod.
“Next time jerk off into the panties I have on. Make me wear it.” You said it like it’s a challenge for him. Joel nearly falls over. Actually has to grab onto the counter and hold onto it because his knees buckle. “Are you okay, old man? What happened?” You tease him.
“Jesus fuckin’ Christ. That’s so hot. I’m gonna pass away.” Joel covers his eyes with the hand that isn’t supporting him. He makes you laugh. A real laugh and you like that. “You’re bad. A real bad girl.”
“What’d she do?” Ellie asks, her once loud footsteps are now silent because she doesn’t have her big clunky shoes on. Joel’s head whips to her and he points with his index finger. She gets ready to run.
“She’s bein’ too nice to you. That’s what. Where’s your homework?” Ellie takes off and Joel takes off after her, quickly. It makes your apron sway in the gust of wind he created when he ran away. She took off back up the stairs. Joel followed, he took the stairs two at a time behind her. “Jesus Ellie, it’s fucking disgusting up here. We’ve been here for two months. How did it get so messy? Where did you get all these clothes? Whose stuff is this?”
It’s all muffled because they’re upstairs but you hear his dismayed voice at her messiness. Neither one of you goes upstairs. There isn't a reason to. But now you’ll have to start checking.
“Bring all your dirty laundry down! I’ll wash it all tomorrow!” You shout at them from your place at the sink. You throw all your taters in a pot and add water. Mashed potatoes, stew and bread. Perfect. You bake bread now. Ava can eat her bread and your family will eat your bread, thankyouverymuch,Ava.”
Ellie runs back downstairs with Joel right behind her.
“Stop! Stop! Stop!” She laughs as she runs and tucks herself into the corner of the counter beside you. Joel places either hand on the counter beside her.
“You stop running. I’ll stop chasing.” He quickly grabs at her side to tickle her and she flinches and scream softly. “Stop screamin’.” He does it on her other side. She laughs so hard and fights him off. “It’s not that funny.” Now he gets her on both sides and she’s nearly on the floor with laughter.
“He’s ticklish too, ya know.” You whisper down to Ellie over her laughter. Joel shoots you a narrowed eye look and Ellie’s hands move to his side with more speed than you could ever imagine and now Joel is the one giggling, trying to fight off her quick little hands.
“He– hey. Sto– Ellie. Stop.” Joel is laughing like you’ve never heard him laugh before and this is everything you could have ever imagined your life to be. Perfect. Laughter in the house. Food on the stove. Happy family to wake up to every morning. What are you so scared of?
Chapter 3: Blinding Faith
Summary:
Two conversations are had.
Notes:
blinding faith by knocked loose
Chapter Text
Ellie and you walk arm in arm around town slowly. She knows everyone. They’re all so nice. It’s so weird. You hate it. You’re used to people trying to kill you. Makes you uneasy at everyones niceness. Ellie shows you all the things– it’s not much but it does resemble a town– a movie theater, a jail, a town hall. There is her school, the house of worship and you knew the medical center already. This was nice. The town hall was new and there wasn’t anything inside of it. No mayor would be elected. Just there in case meetings or other important events needed to take place, there would be a spot for it.
“That's her house.” Ellie whispers softly as you pass a light blue house with two stories. It looks exactly like yours but your house is dark gray. You love it. It’s like storm clouds. Thunder. “Her name is Dina.” She whispers so low that you have to strain to hear her actual name. You don’t even really hear it but you know better than to ask right in front of her house.
Ellie had to bring you that way to get back home. Everything in a giant circle basically and so she just took you around the whole colony. This was just a convenient trip to her loves home. A desperate attempt at a glimpse or maybe even a hello if Dina had been outside. But she hadn’t been and Ellie didn't see her.
“You’ll see her Monday.” You whisper, well enough distance to be out of earshot but you still whisper, just in case. “Have you walked her home yet?” You don’t whisper this part and Ellie nearly dies right on the sidewalk. Hands on your arm and she almost falls down dramatically.
“Oh my God. Stop. Don’t talk so loud.” She’s red in the face and looking around to see if anyone is outside. “She lives right there, oh my God.” You could tell she could pass away from embarrassment right now. “No. I get too nervous every time I try.” She whispers harshly at you.
“Okokokok. Sorry. I thought we were far enough away.” You wrap your arm around her neck. It’s just you and her today. Joel is working on getting your backyard ready. Cleaning up bullshit that had been in the house before, fixing the deck. Building a fire pit. Making the house a real home.
“Did you mean what you said yesterday?” Ellie looks up at you and her eyes scan your face as you nod down to her. “Why?” You have to think about what to tell her… not what but how. It takes you a minute as you look down at the sidewalk below your feet. Her eyes never leave the side of your face.
“This is gonna be weird. Kinda hard for me maybe, okay?” She nods up at you, eyes softening tremendously as they look into yours. “I’ve always wanted a kid of my own. I thought that opportunity got taken away from me when this outbreak happened. I never thought…I never expected to have a child dropped into my lap when I least expected it.” You smile now while she listens, the corners of her mouth turning up slightly. “I know that I am not your mom. I’ll never try to be, unless you want me to. But I’m excited that I get to watch you grow. That I get to help you. Protect you. I didn’t know if I’d get the chance when Joel was trying to get us out of that hospital. If I ever do have my own kid someday, you’ll always be my first baby.” You lean down and kiss her on the top of the head with a loud smack. “Always.” You kiss the top of her head ten million times and she’s laughing.
“I like it. I like that you–you know…wanna…take care of me.” She looks up at you now with her big brown eyes that look like Joel’s somehow. “I didn’t get taken care of before this. Just raised. Barely.” Ellie’s voice is steady and she’s confident in herself. You’re a mess. About to sob and fall down on the sidewalk and roll around crying because you love her so much. “You and Joel are good at it." She hesitates for a moment and then speaks again, quietly. "This is what a family feels like?” She asks, so innocently and so genuinely that it actually hurts your heart. She doesn’t know or have anything to compare it to.
“I think so. My family wasn’t like this.” You both stop walking and she looks up at you with confusion in her big brown eyes. “My dad was an asshole. Mean. Nasty. Spoke badly to me and my mom and sister. He didn’t respect us.” Ellie’s eyes are sad now. Big and sad.
“Why?” She asks curiously. You shrug.
“I dunno. Just was. Always was. I was scared to come home from school most days, cause I didn’t wanna get screamed at for nothin’.” You start walking her back towards home. “I’m telling you this because I don’t ever want you to take Joel for granted. He and I are always just trying to keep you safe. Don’t ever hate us for that, okay?” She nods up at you but you don’t know if she really understands. Having parents isn’t always fun.
When you get home Joel is waiting for you guys but he wants to talk to you. You can tell. It’s written all over his face.
“My girls.” Joel smiles through his worried eyes and slaps Ellie up like they’re best friends. You shake your head. “It’s Saturday. Chores. Make lunch. Then we’ll eat and you can go do whatever it is you do up in your room. Clean it this time , maybe. Something.” Joel pushes her into the kitchen. “I gotta take Bird for another walk. We’ll be back.”
“My leg aches.” You whine once you get outside. You didn’t wanna fight with him inside in front of Ellie, because he was basically waiting for you at the door.
“I know, baby. I know. I brought this for us.” Joel holds a joint up and lights it as you walk towards the driveway and back down to the sidewalk. Joel puffs on the joint for a while and you watch him from the corner of your eye.
“So you just smoke my medicine like it’s recreational?” You tease, you don’t really mind. It’s a fun thing you do together; that makes you fearful of him and also paranoid and you forgot how to swallow and breathe that one time, but it’s fun.
“Here, baby.” Joel holds the joint to your lips so you can keep your hands in your pockets. You puff twice, too big, cough and choke for a minute. You have to stop and bend at the waist and you almost throw up. “Ok. Not that much. Cheech and Chong over here.” He laughs as he pats your back.
“I’m Cheech Marin. I’m one hundred percent Cheech.” You wheeze and pant as you stand up straight. Joel belly laughs when you say this. You look up at him red-faced and teary eyed.
“Sure are, babe.” You walk like that until you get to the park just outside of the medical center. It’s just a small playground but there is a bench and you guys sit. “What’d you and Ellie talk about today?” He asks nervously. You give him a suspicious look.
“Why? You don’t want her to tell me something?” You take the joint from Joel and hit it very carefully because your lungs feel like raisins. Joel is hiding something. What is it?
“Did she ask you about what happened at the hospital? Do you even remember? ” He asks, taking your free hand. You nod slowly. Neither one of you talked about it at all yet. “I didn’t tell her the truth.” Joel tells you this freely.
“Why? Why didn’t you tell her that Marlene did that to her?” You get a little angry but you kinda think you know where Joel is coming from. “Ugh. Nevermind. I know. What did you tell her?”
“They did the tests. Those doctors stopped looking for a cure.” Joel gives you big brown eyes again. Always. “I said raiders attacked. I told her Marlene didn’t make it.”
“Did she make it? I don’t…” You trail off because you had basically already lost almost all of the blood inside of you at that point. The whole elevator ride down to the parking garage was a little fuzzy and gray. Hard to remember exactly what was said and what happened. Joel shakes his head.
“I told Ellie that the raiders got Marlene.” Joel whispers softly. “I killed her, though. I was going to let her go but then she went for the car. She went for you and Ellie. I shot her.” Joel sighs it out like he had been needing to tell someone. You press your free hand to the side of his face. The joint has gone out. Neither one of you need anymore. Looking at each other with red, squinting eyes. In public! “I told her that there were a lot more people like her. That they didn’t need her anymore so we could all go home.”
“And that’s what you want me to tell her if she ever asks?” You look into those big eyes and get lost in them.
“That. You could say you don’t remember. I just don’t want her to hate us for taking away her choice.” Joel looks like he could cry.
“We gave her a choice, Joel. I told her what could happen, in front of the RV that day you found the game. I warned her of what might happen. She had a choice and she made it. Those doctors lied to her. We didn’t lie. I understand why you did and I respect you and I won’t tell her but don’t feel guilty, baby. You did the right thing. We did the right thing.” Joel nods his head quickly and leans into your hand.
“Thank you. I didn’t even think of it until you and her went off on your own today. I thought for sure she was going to pry you for info.” Joel smiles know.
“Can I ask you something?” You’re nervous. You’re going to tell Joel about your paranoia and fears and it’s making your legs shiver and tense up.
“Anything.”
“Why do you treat me like that…in the bedroom? You’re so… aggressive all the time. You speak down to me. Even at the table the other day you said I was below you.” You speak fast because you’re scared. Holy shit you’re so scared. Joel’s eyes haven’t left yours. “It makes me nervous. It makes me feel like… your property. I’m supposed to be your girlfriend. ”
Joel’s eyes soften immediately and he holds your face in his hands now.
“I thought… I thought you liked that?” Joel looks at you confused. “We haven’t done anything we didn’t do back in the cabin besides the dirty talk. We did that too, it’s just different.” Joel shrugs his shoulders.
“And the being below you comment? The punishment ?” You’re confused. Just as confused as he is, apparently.
“Did you not like being punished? On the road? I thought that was like, something we’re exploring.” Joel has his hand on your good leg and is squeezing gently. “I don’t understand. When I told you I would be gentle with you, you basically told me to scram.” Joel chuckles nervously.
What the shit? Is he right?
“What about my dream the other night? I don’t think it was a high brownie dream…I think you fucked me. Without my permission.”
“You gave me permission ten thousand times! I asked so many times!” Joel exclaims, holding both hands out to you like he’s showing you off to someone who isn’t there. “Then you wake up talkin’ about it’s a dream and start callin’ me daddy again—”
“I didn’t call you daddy. I said in my dream you told me to call you daddy–” You’re leering at him and he’s leering right back at you.
“You called me that shit first! I didn’t like it the first time you said it but you kept moaning it over and over and I got rock fuckin’ hard eatin’ your pussy while you called me daddy. I was ashamed !” Joel is mad at you now. “You’re right. You shouldn’t smoke anymore weed. Accusing me of what— raping you?” Joel stands up from the bench. “I like it rough. I like to dominate the hell out of you and talk real dirty to you in the bedroom. I’d never do that , though, Jesus. If I thought you didn’t want it I’d never take it from you—get outta here.” Joel waves his hand at you dismissively.
“The below you comment?” You’re unwavering, even with his behavior. Joel snorts and shoves his hands into his jacket pocket.
“I’m sorry. I was an ass for that. I’m hot headed sometimes.” Joel kicks at the ground with his boot. “Shit, s’why I was a single dad.” Joel’s eyes meet yours for a moment but then he looks away. “I am sorry. I get carried away.”
“I didn’t like it. I’ve been terrified at night because I don’t know what’s real and what’s a dream. That comment didn’t ease any anxiety I had.” You huff softly when you’re done talking because now you are confused if this is all something your weird, blood denied and weed filled brain came up with. You do not know.
“Terrified? Of me? Like I’m the boogie man?” Joel kicks at the ground again. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to scare you or hurt you. Nothin’ like that.” Joel walks back to you now and sits where he had been before. “Don’t want you scared of me. Ever. I wanna be your husband one day. Not someone you think you’re forced to be with. If you think that, tell me.”
“I don’t feel forced. I just want you to respect me. Treat me good. I think I just had time before, when we didn’t see each other in between— but when someone calls you stupid and a slut every fucking day even if it’s sexy…I don’t know. Maybe I’m starting to believe I’m only good for one thing.” Words you didn’t even know to be true are coming out of your mouth but those words sounded productive to your stoned ears.
“Bird. Look’it me.” Joel’s stern voice pulls your eyes from the grass in front of you. He’s staring at you. “ Smartest , most incredibly strong woman I ever met. I mean it. You blew me away on the road. Every single day. You still do.” Joel grabs both of your hands in his. “Ellie made me want to be a parent again. You make me wanna have another baby. I want a family with both of you and being safe here, in Jackson— it just makes sense.” Joel squeezes your hands now. “I see Tommy and Maria getting their house ready for their kid and, I dunno. There is that extra bedroom upstairs .”
You want kids. You want ‘em bad. You’ve been thinking about it since Joel said it at the table that same day he said you were below him. Neither of those things have left your brain.
“You’re serious?” You ask him, dropping your eyes to your lap because this sucks. Your brain is still telling you something is not right. “I’d wanna wait.”
“Lil’ late for that, Bird. We been tryin’ since basically you got home. Started on the road, really. Stopped thinking with my big brain.” Joel taps his head with his finger. Your heart starts to race in your chest because he is not wrong. He’s come inside you almost everyday.
“Stop. Don’t do it again until I’m really ready. I don’t think it’ll take me long. I jus— I need to wrap my head around that.” You’re sweating even in the cool spring air. “I mean it. Pull out for a while.” You’re looking up at Joel now and he must see the fear in your eyes because he pulls you in for a big hug. A good hug. It makes you feel safe.
“Whatever you need, Bird. I’ll do anything to make you happy. I mean it.”
Joel walks home with you hand in hand, right past Ava’s house so if she is home and watching get a good look, lady! He’s taken! Him and his big ole weiner! You don’t know why you’re so nervous about Ava. She just gives him bread and jam. Soon you’ll know how to make jam too and you and Joel and Ellie will need nothing from her but her schooling. That’s it.
Ellie had cleaned the house a little and made sandwiches for lunch. Which were actually not bad. You liked that they had fresh meat and veggies at the little market down in the town. Joel picked up some turkey there and it’s actually better than you ever remember turkey being.
“Do you pay for any of this stuff? How do you even do that?” You look at Joel after taking a bite of your sandwich. He shakes his head.
“It’s all communal. Everyone gets a share of everything unless they don’t want it.” Joel starts to explain and Ellie pipes in.
“Like Miss. Ava is a vegetarian so she gave her share to him this week.” Ellie nods her head at Joel. You raise an eyebrow at Ellie and do not meet Joel’s staring eyes. They’re boring holes in the side of your face.
“How nice of Miss. Ava.” You go back to your sandwich and look out the window. The ceiling is so nice. And so is this beautiful table. Wow. Holy smokes, the floors are incredible. Joel clears his throat but you still don’t look at him. You look at Ellie again and admire her cheek bones and nice nose. Joel clears his throat again, louder and Ellie looks at him, sees him staring at you and then looks at you, staring at her.
“What is going on?” She asks innocently. You shake your head and look down at your plate.
“Nothing. I was just thinkin’ about how pretty you are.” You smile, looking up at her again. “Do you have a lot of kids at your school?” You ask curiously, you never have asked before.
“There are thirteen of us teenagers. The oldest is seventeen. The youngest is twelve. There are a lot of younger kids though. Younger than ten I think. They’re on a different level of the school.” You’re so interested. You can see Joel still looking at you out of the corner of your eye.
“Do you guys all ever see each other or do they keep you separate all day? You know, from the littler kids.” Ellie nods as she swallows a bite of her sandwich.
“We all get lunch at the same time. The little kids are pretty cute. ‘Cept when they cry. Then they’re annoying.” She takes another bite.
You do look at Joel now and he’s got his big brown eyes on the apology setting. You eat the rest of your lunch in silence and when everyone is done Ellie clears the table and brings everything into the kitchen and washes up. Joel leans in and puts his elbows on the table.
“It’s not whatever you’re thinkin’.” Joel whispers. You shrug.
“Does she even know about me?” You ask just as quietly as he had spoken. Joel nods enthusiastically.
“Of course. We talk about you all the time.” He motions to himself and Ellie in the kitchen. “Stop bein’ jealous. Ain’t nothin’ to be jealous of. I’m yours, baby. All of me. I promise.” Joel gets up from his chair and walks to you at the other end, kissing the top of your head. “Do you wanna get out of the house again? We can go do something? Go to the bar?” Joel grips your chin and makes you look up at him. You shake your head no.
“I’m tired. Leg hurts. I think I need a nap.” Joel leans down and kisses your lips when you’re done speaking.
“Do you want to take a cold shower together— a gentle one– and then we can nap?” Joel looks down into your eyes as he rests his forehead on yours. “A nice one. I’ll wash you. Kiss you real nice. Won’t touch you funny or nothing. Just be gentle.” The words are whispered against your lips and you do want a cold shower with Joel. Real bad. A gentle one.
You stand up as he’s kissing you and his tongue teases your bottom lip as he pulls away. Joel’s hand finds yours and he’s gently pulling you into the kitchen, he calls to Ellie as she finishes the dishes.
“Hey, she’s gonna nap. I’m showering. Prolly gonna nap too. Stay home.You can go with your friends tomorrow, okay?” Joel pauses with you at his side. Ellie nods and wipes her hands on her jeans. “Maybe go clean your room.” Joel eyes her and points a finger. Ellie rolls her eyes and heads upstairs. Joel watches, making sure she goes up there and once her door shuts, Joel leads you to the bedroom and into your attached bathroom.
“I love you.” Joel’s whispering against your lips as he unbuttons the flannel shirt you have on. “I do. It breaks my heart that you’re scared of me.” He pushes the shirt off your shoulders and down your arms. “Don’t be scared, baby girl.” His hands are working on the buttons of your jeans and he's pushing them down your thighs carefully. “My lil bird, scared. Frightened.” He’s kissing you while speaking, desperately . Gently, yes. But it’s like he cannot get enough of you.
You lean against the wall as Joel undresses quickly in front of you, unbuttoning his own flannel shirt quickly. You watch but you’re getting nervous for the shower. It’s so cold but when he pushes his pants down and he swings freely between his legs you forget all fears of the shower and wonder how he gets that thing inside of you.
“Starin’ at it!” Joel covers it with one hand. “Stop it.” He holds the other hand over what the first hand doesn’t cover.
“How can I not! Look’it the thing. Jesus. It’s huge.” You have never really seen Joel’s flaccid dick this much before. It was always hard and big, yes, but it’s big when it’s soft too! What the hell!? “That thing really does make me stupid, holy shit.” You give him a big, stupid smile and he laughs at you and kisses your forehead.
“I don’t think you're stupid. I don’t. Really.” Joel feels bad. You can hear it in his voice.
“Hey, I like it. Sometimes. Every four days I like it. Everyday is too much. I’m sorry.” You look up at him as he starts the shower.
“Don’t be sorry, Bird.” He steps in immediately because it’s not going to warm up. Joel doesn’t even react. “I’m sorry. We should have talked more. I’m just aggressive. With everything. ‘Specially you. I’ll be better.” Joel holds his hand out for you to take so he can help you in.
Joel holds you under the cold water, despite your giggling protests so that you can get used to it. He giggles with you and kisses your lips softly as the water stops being freezing and just is cold now. Once nice and wet, Joel wraps his arms around you and pulls you close to him.
“Sorry for accusing you of anything. My brain’s been all foggy. Weird this last week.” You apologize to his chest because you do feel bad. This good man wouldn’t hurt you. You can tell in his touches.
“Bird, stop apologizing. I never should have assumed you were good to sleep with when you were high. I fucked up. That was wrong of me and I won’t do it again. I won’t do nothin’ you don’t wanna do, okay baby girl?”
Joel plants gentle kisses across your collarbones and shoulders. He turns you and kisses every inch of your back. Doesn’t miss a spot as his hands move up and down your sides and front as he does it. His hands and lips never stray past your waist or to your chest. His tongue dips out and tastes your skin sometimes, and his warm breath is inviting on your cool flesh. You rest your forehead on the wall of the shower as he kisses across the small of your back. His hands grip your lower stomach gently like he worships the little extra flesh you carry there. He does. He holds onto it and pushes you back against his mouth as he kisses and nips up your spine.
“You’re so pretty, baby.” He whispers in your ear as he stands up behind you. You can feel his erection pressed into you from behind but he doesn’t try or do anything with it. It’s just pressed against your ass as he grabs a bar of soap. He washes you gently. So carefully. Joel washes your hair and kisses along your neck after he rinses you. “I’m so sorry.” He whispers into your ear. “So sorry.” His deep voice travels slowly in your ear canal as he shuts the water off. “C’mon. Let’s go nap, tired bird.” Joel dries you off and gets you into a long t-shirt to sleep in.
“I’m sorry. I feel like I made a big deal out of nothing.” You whisper into his chest as he wraps you up in his arms. “I love you, too. I do. You’re very good to me. You took good care of me. Saved my life.” You’re teeth are chittering because you’re so cold but he presses his already warm body against yours tightly, feelings your body shivering against his.
“It is a big deal. Your happiness and your safety are my biggest concerns. If you don’t feel neither of those things then I’m doin’ something wrong.” Joel sighs and rests his chin on the top of your head. “I’m bad at this. Bein’ a boyfriend. A husband. Been single for so fuckin’ long.” He sighs again and runs his fingers across your back. “I’ll be better. I’ll try. Talk to me though. You ain’t got nothin’ to be scared of.”
Joel’s words and his calming touches do make you feel better. A lot better.
“Okay.” You whisper sleepily.
“We’re goin’ to Tommy and Maria’s tonight for dinner and a fire outside. Rest up. We’ll have a good time. Get to show off my girlfriend. ” Joel yawns and pulls the blankets up over your shoulders. “I’m sorry again, baby. I love you.”
Dinner was good. Maria is a good cook and Tommy knows how to smoke meats very well. The weather was cool but the big fire the four of you sat around was nice. Joel held your hand in his while drinking something Tommy had given him. You drank wine and Maria had water. She was close to giving birth soon.
“Are you excited?” You ask, leaning over to talk to her while the brothers talked about buildings and things they needed for around town. She nods excitedly.
“We just finished his room. Tommy went and found a crib that’s really nice. It’s so clean and perfect.” She rubs her belly gently and looks at Tommy who is sitting across the fire. “He’s going to be such a good dad.”
“His room? How do you know it’s a boy?” You ask, a smile creeping onto your face as her own smile grows. She shrugs and cradles her unborn baby inside of her.
“I don’t know for sure. I just hope it’s a boy– I’ll be happy either way, really. But I want a boy so bad. I wanna name him after my brother.” She looks sadly at the fire now right in front of her. “I lost him pretty early in the outbreak.” She looks over to you now and flushes the sadness from her eyes and smiles.
“No kids of your own?” She asks, eyes flicking between you and Joel quickly. You shake your head.
“Not yet. We been thinking about it since we came back, though.” You explain, taking a sip of your wine. Maria’s eyes light up.
“You should! They could grow up together. It would be so nice to have another first time mom around.” She sounds excited but her eyes keep flicking between you and Joel. You look over your shoulder at him and he’s looking at you with a smile on his face, then he turns back to Tommy.
“I want to. I think about it a lot.” You turn back to Maria who has turned her whole pregnant body towards you. You let go of Joel’s hand finally and turn to face her also. “I never thought I’d get to. It’s almost like my brain accepted that I wouldn’t have my own kids so now I can’t accept the fact that it’s an option now.” You try to explain the best you can but Maria is nodding and has her hand on your forearm.
“I know. I know exactly what you mean. Those two just want to…fuck. Spread their seed. A mother’s instinct runs so much deeper than just a need to procreate. I thought Tommy was so dumb for wanting to have a baby in a place like this.” She looks around their backyard. “But it’s so safe. It took me a while to warm up to the idea.” Her eyes soften as they look at you. “C’mon. I’ll take you to get more wine.” She grabs your hand and leads you into their house.
It’s beautiful and nicely decorated. Maria keeps a clean home and it’s inspiring.
“Thanks for having us over tonight. We’ll have you over as soon as our backyard is cleaned up. Joel works on it everyday.” You look out at him through the window above their sink. Joel is so fucking handsome. It literally pains you. He’s all yours, too.
“He good to you?” Maria asks as she fills your wine glass. You honestly don’t need anymore but you feel too good to tell her to stop.
“What do you mean?” You turn to eye her suspiciously and lean against the island she’s setting the wine bottle down on.
“Is Joel good to you?” She’s serious. Much more serious than she had sounded outside. She had a tone of freaking wonder or something when she had been outside talking about babies and Tommy. Talking about Joel… she sounds…nervous? What the fuck?
“Yeah. He’s really good to me.” You look into her eyes and she’s moving them from you to the door that leads outside then back to you. “Why?” Now you’re fuckin’ nervous. What the actual fuck does she mean and why are her eyes doing that?
“Tommy has just told me some things. I worry for you and Ellie.” She leans on her elbows like you are. “He’s a dangerous guy.” You know this. You’ve seen him in action, but he’s not dangerous to you. No. He protects you.
“Yeah. Gotta be out here, to survive. If he wasn’t dangerous I wouldn’t have made it back here alive.” You defend him because was Tommy not dangerous at one point either? Joel told you about what he and Tommy did. You’re not blind to his past. Not really, you don’t think. “Tommy should know all about being dangerous. Right?” Your eyes scan her face.
“Tommy didn’t have an ex-wife who fled in the middle of the night to never be heard from ever again.” She whispers this. “Gone. In the wind. Didn’t call the kid. Didn’t come to visit.” This is all news to you. Joel had told you she left him, yes, but he didn’t tell you that she disappeared.
“He do something to her?” You ask nervously. Maria shakes her head. You let out a sigh of relief.
“Tommy just said that Joel can be controlling. Domineering. Possessive.” She says the words slowly. “Tommy doesn’t think Joel would ever put his hands on a woman. But Joel did or said something to make his ex run away. Far away. So far she never wanted to talk to her kid again.”
“Tommy told you that? That Joel did something?” You raise one eyebrow. Maria shakes her head from side to side again.
“Just my assumption.” She shrugs her shoulders. “Could have been an affair too, who knows. Just weird she didn’t wanna see her daughter after. I can’t imagine not seeing him and I don’t even know him yet.” She leans back and rubs her stomach. “I just want you to be careful.” She looks down at you seriously.
Maria! You are drunk and maybe still a little high from earlier! You had just gotten a lot of the fear and worry and doubt out of your heart and now you sleep next to a stranger again! Maria! Why!? You liked it better when you didn’t know any of that stuff and now you wish you could go back in time and politely decline her offer for more wine. You’re drinking it now too and it’s just going to make you more drunk. You set it down and push it away from you.
“I shouldn’t. I still have to take my medicine tonight.” You’re fucking nervous now because you’ve only been drunk the one other time when you were fifteen and you’re legs feel like they have no bones in them. “And walk home.” You sigh.
Joel and you say your goodbyes. Hugs and thank yous. We’ll do this again soon is said several times by all four of you. Joel grabs your hand and holds it tightly in his, interlacing his fingers into yours.
“Did you have fun?” Joel looks down at you with his perfect brown eyes and you wanna sit on his face. You nod up at him.
“I did. I like do– doing stuff like that.” You hiccup and wish you were home already. “I don’t wanna waaalk.” You whine as you guys get into the street.
“Hop up.” Joel kneels in front of you and holds his arms out at his sides. “Your leg should be good? Doesn’t hurt to bad?” You’re stopped behind him because he wants you to what? Play leap frog with him?
“What? You want me to jump over you?” You’re teetering to one side. “I can– barely stand up.” You almost fall and Joel has to jump up to catch you. “I’m drunk f’the first time in m-my adult life. I don’t—” Joel takes one of your hands and places it on his shoulder as he turns around. “I can’t jump over you!” You exclaim as he kneels again.
“Will you climb onto my back? I’m gonna piggy back you home, Jesus Christ.” He chuckles as you place your knees on sides. He holds you and lifts. There is a small dull pain in your leg but it feels better than walking with no bones.
“Weed and wine!” You exclaim as he carries you on his back. “I don’t like them, Joel Miller. I hate ‘em.” You rest your head on his shoulder. “What happened to your wife? Why did she leave you?” You slur against his jacket. Joel doesn’t stop walking.
“Unhappy. I worked a lot. We fought when I was home. Real bad. Really bad.” Joel whispers as you listen, your head still resting against his shoulder. “She’d hit me sometimes. I’d call her terrible things. She left in the middle of the night. Never heard from her again until I got divorce papers in the mail.” Joel looks back at your sleepy, drunk eyes. “Why you askin’ now, babe?”
“Been thinkin’ ‘bout it.” You lie through a whispered croak. “Don’t fight with me. Don— Don’t call me terrible things.” You continue to croak drunkenly.
“Don’t hit me.” Joel teases softly.
“Lemme ssspank you.” You close your eyes and he shifts you, lifting you up higher onto his back. You’re doing almost nothing to hold on besides the one shoulder you hold onto and the other you're resting on. Joel has to hunch to keep you up there.
“You can spank me, hell yeah. Fuckin’ teach me a lesson, Bird. I was bad. I need to be punished.” Joel laughs as you guys make your way up your own driveway and into the house. Ellie is making a snack in the kitchen when you get in.
“Oh no. She took too much medicine again?” She asks sarcastically. You think this is hilarious. Joel laughs too and shakes his head.
“Nope. Just had too much fun at Uncle Tommy’s house with Maria.” Joel kicks his boots off in the doorway and leaves them on the porch. “Come shut this door for me, El. I gotta put her to bed. We’re both goin’ to bed. You should too. You’re making breakfast in the morning.” Joel carries you to Ellie. You and her smile at each other and exchange a soft forehead touch while you cling to his shoulders.
“Love you, sssweet girl. G’night.” You sigh and rest your head on Joel’s shoulder again.
“Night! Love you guys. See you in the morning.” Ellie takes off up the stairs. Joel stands in the kitchen, not moving. The door to her bedroom slams shut.
“Did she just say she loves us?” Joel asks quietly. You nod sleepily against his shoulder.
“Yeah. I think so. I might’a jus’ said it to her. I dunno.” You’re so tired. Your mouth feels like it’s got weights inside of it. It’s so hard to talk. Oh my, God what is happening. You need to be laying down.
Joel gets you into bed and pulls your jeans off slowly.
“C’mon. Lemme put a baby into you. You’re gonna look so fucking sexy with my kid inside you.” Joel growls playfully and kisses from your lower stomach up to your chest, pushing your shirt up as he does it.
“I’d have a baby w– with you.” You hiccup again. You’re so drunk.
“I’ll put one in you when you're sober, baby girl. Joel kisses between your breasts and up your neck as he pulls your shirt up over your head for you. “I want to. So fucking bad.” Joel continues to kiss up your neck and towards your ear as he tosses your shirt to the floor behind him.
“Joel, do it.” You whisper up to him. He licks your jaw from your ear to your lips and he kisses you.
“I’m Daddy in here still. One of the rules now.” Joel kisses you again and then kisses back down your jaw on the other side.
“Daddy, please.” You want him inside of you so badly. The alcohol and his kisses have you wriggling underneath him.
“No.” Joel growls softly. “I’ll do it in the morning if you still feel the same.” He presses his erection against you through his jeans. “You feel how fuckin’ hard you make me? You feel how badly I want to? How bad I wanna claim that pussy forever. Cause you are mine. My baby, my sweet girl. Not below me. You’re right here with me, baby.” Joel’s whispering into your ear as he rocks his hips against your good thigh.
“Fuck, Daddy.” You moan softly at his words and his erection against you.
“Let’s go to bed.” Joel says suddenly. Your eyes shoot open.
“I congress–I cosign– I c-c-consent! Daddy please.” You’re begging him, drunkenly. Joel shakes his head no and gets off the bed to turn the light off.
“You’re drunk. I’m not. It feels weird now, after our talk in the park. C’mon. Let’s go to sleep.”
“Okay yes. Drunk. But still horny now. Cosigning. I wanna.” You look up at Joel as he crawls over you. “Please.” You look into his eyes and he’s still shaking his head no.
“Get yourself off. I’ll watch. I know you want it. I just can’t. Not tonight, babe.” Joel leans in and kisses you softly on the cheek, you pull away in frustration. “Awww, don’t be mad at me. Want me to suck those perfect fuckin’ tits while you touch yourself?” Joel offers some support in this whole denial of sex.
“No. I want to fuck.” Now you’re mad. You just wanna go to bed. You turn over and roll the opposite way from him, facing the wall. Joel laughs from behind you and pulls you in close to him.
“I wanna fuck you, too. ‘Nother rule is I don’t touch you while you’re intoxicated. Until you feel better about all of this at least.” Joel grinds himself into you from the back. “You feel that? It’s all yours, first thing in the morning if you still want it.” Whispering quietly.
Chapter Text
Joel did fuck a baby into you the next morning. Neither one of you knew it at the time. But he did it gently and slowly and you really felt the love he had for you when he did it. Slow and gentle thrusts, no force, no jolting movements. His hips were fluid and flush against yours most of the time and you spoke softly into eachothers mouths. You were thankful for Joel for waiting because it was perfect and you were clear headed and not afraid. You didn’t even panic when he was between your legs. In your weird-not-as-much-blood-as-you-should-have-inside-you, high, fucked up state; your fear of that position had been conquered.
“I love you, Bird.” He whispers into your neck as he finishes inside of you. It’s what you both wanted. Regardless of what Maria said. You cared for him and wanted the same thing he did. You know that in your clear headed state. Even if your leg was aching the whole time. It felt good to feel like a normal person again. It felt good to not have any anxiety.
“I love you, Joel.” You coo into his ear as he withdraws from you. Joel kisses you softly before he crawls off the bed completely. Off to the bathroom. This is the new routine now after sex. Sex. Bathroom. He wipes you down. Wipes himself down and comes out, dick swinging. “You tell me not to stare at it but you just leave it out for me to stare at!” You exclaim when you catch Joel’s eye after looking at it the entire time he walks across the room to his dresser.
“I like when you look at it. I like givin’ you shit more, though.” Joel says as he tugs on a pair of boxers.
“I’ve been meaning to tell you to get some less tight jeans, Jesus Christ, that thing is visible all the time! Everyone can see it! ” You point to his groin as he zips his jeans up. He looks down and adjusts it but it does nothing to hide it. “See!”
“I’m not going to find less tight jeans. Let’s all the ladies know what you’re—” Joel snickers but you stop him.
“That’s exactly what I don’t want! Other women lookin’ at it! Get a fuckin apron or a tool belt or something to cover that thing up.” You point at his groin with your open hand.
“Stop talkin’ about it. He’s gettin’ all excited again from your attention! “C’mon, we gotta get ready for worship.” Joel is now buttoning up his nice flannel shirt.
“Okay! I’ll stop. I have to shower.” You start to stand up but Joel stops you, hands around your waist, pulling you back to him.
“Keep it in you. Wear it to worship… worship my come. Shower when you get home, baby girl.” Joel kisses the side of your face softly and smacks your ass.
“You’re a freak.” You look at him with fondness in your heart because so are you.
“Says the girl who wants me to come in her panties so she can wear it around all day. I’m a freak. Ok.” Joe rolls his eyes at you and smacks your ass again. “C’mon. I hear Ellie banging around in the kitchen. She’s making breakfast.”
“Okay!”
Ellie and you walk hand in hand in front of Joel into the House of Worship. You have never been very religious but Joel told you to just give it a chance. So you do. It’s actually nice. No God talks at all. It’s a House of Worshiping the fact that we are all still here and lucky enough to have each other. We worship this colony that keeps us safe. We are all a ‘family’ in a sense when we live here. We worship our neighbors and the food we are given daily. It was nice. It feels like every single person who lived in the colony showed up.
There is a social hour in the basement after. Ellie wants to go because Dina is going to be there. Oh la la. It must be why Ellie wore her nicest and most clean shirt today. Joel grabs you by the hand and introduces you to everyone.
“Ava, this is Birdie.” Joel introduces you to a tall, beautiful blonde woman. She’s probably five years older than you. Closer to Joel’s age. She is almost as tall as he is. Her eyes are an emerald green and she is in great shape. You hate her.
“Hi! It’s so nice to finally meet you!” She hugs you like she is your best friend. You hug her back because you want to be polite to Joel’s friend. You do not like her though. Her voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. Not really. She sounds very nice but you fuckin’ hate her.
“It’s nice to meet you too! I’ve heard so much about Miss. Ava from Ellie and Joel just loves your jam.” You are throwing up in your mouth at the fake nice tone you have. It must come across pretty naturally because she laughs and touches Joel’s arm .
She better remove those pretty fingers from that strong bicep– you know, if she wants to keep ‘em for making jam and everything. You know you have to have fingers to knead bread properly. So why is she touching your boyfriend like that?
“He was going through what? Like a jar every two or three days while you were in the medical center.” She is looking right at Joel when she’s talking to you. Right into his big brown eyes and— oh my God, he is looking right into her emerald ones! Lookin’ right into ‘em like he’s lost in there and cannot find his way out.
“Oh. Well now that I’m there to cook for him, he’s got more to eat than just jam.” You lie. You lie so hard because you know Joel fed Ellie really well when you were in a coma. Ellie and Joel put on like, ten pounds each while you withered away in that bed. Ava’s bread and jam. You hope she chokes on it one day.
This comment pulls Joel’s brown eyes away from Ava’s beautiful bewitching eyes and looks down at you.
“I will let you two catch up. I should go introduce myself to everyone.” You sneak away fast with your little limp before Joel can protest and introduce yourself to a young woman who looks about your age. “Hi, I’m Birdie.” You wave to her nicely and smile. Her blue eyes light up and she also hugs you like you are best buddies.
“Bird! I know all about Birdie! I work down at the market as well as the greenhouse and you are all Joel talks about when he comes in. Bird this. Bird that. I thought he was talking about a real bird at first and I had to ask what kinda bird it was he was taking care of so good up in that house.” This woman speaks so fast it makes your head spin. “I’m Connie. It’s so nice to finally meet you. I been waitin’ for you to get outta that house! I need someone to hang out with! Joel said you’re the same age as me and that’s amazing.” She continues to talk as fast as you have had to run for your life sometimes and it’s hard to take in everything she is saying.
“Wow! Did you say that you work at a greenhouse? We have one of those?” You ask curiously. It would be so nice to have something to do besides just sit at home and wait for Joel and Ellie to get home. It’s not like there is anything else to do. You could read but there are barely any books. You’d have to go on an outing to try and find some but books are so heavy. So heavy.
“Yeah! Me and Jacob need help real bad. We run the greenhouse and also the market. It’s gettin’ to be a lot with just the two of us.” And then Jacob turns around at the sound of his name.
“Ya’ll talkin’ about me? I didn’t do it. I don’t know nothin’ about it.”
“Shut the fuck up. Jackie? Jackie Harris? Are you serious?”
It’s your ex- fucking boyfriend from twenty fucking years ago. You reach for him at the same time he reaches for you.
“No fucking way. How are you? I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. Holy fucking shit.” You two are holding onto each other's forearms in this sudden and insane turn of events. “You look just like you did in highschool. Except your hair. Your hair is different. You look just like you did the last time I saw you.” Jackie’s eyes scan all over your face and neck and down to your chest. “You look incredible.”
So the fuck does he! With his jet black hair and is fucking beautful hazel eyes. Wow. He just looks like an older version of your high school boyfriend. He doesn’t look aged or haggard. He just looks older. Taller. More handsome and muscular. His arms feel strong under your hands and he’s gripping you so tightly like he cannot believe your real.
“Wow.” You whisper as your eyes scan his face and chest and neck and down to his middle. You cannot believe he is here either. “How did you get here? When did you get here?”
“I was part of the original colony but I was gone for a while. I was on a scouting mission to Bend, Oregon with some of our military guys. I got back a couple weeks ago. When did you get here?” He is still looking you up and down.
“I was here before a couple months ago and then I left and then I came back.” You say in awe. The words you say sound dumb. I left and came back . “I had to help my boyfriend with something.” You add because you did not forget about Joel. No. He’s here. Also. As well. With your ex-boyfriend from highschool. Joel is currently dripping out of your pussy and into your underwear.
It’s fine. Everything. Is. Fine.
“You’re cheating on me? I didn’t think we ever broke up.” Jackie smiles down at you. Fuck! Stop smiling. He used to be so cute in school. He was one of the cute popular boys and now he is a hot, handsome man. Fuck! Fuck! You look over at the woman who is still looking at you, smiling. Connie drops the smile and shakes her head.
“Is Connie…not your…?” You don’t know why you’re even asking this question because you are in a committed relationship with a Joel. So very committed. You’re so committed to Joel. You keep telling yourself that as you look back into Jackie’s beautiful hazel eyes. They look like they’re illuminated by the sun and you’re in the basement. It’s rainy outside. You haven’t seen the sun the entire time you’ve been awake…but there is a hint of it in his eyes.
“Ew. No. We’ve been traveling together…or like… almost ten years? He found me with a broken leg and took care of me while it healed. He’s like my brother.” Connie explains. You nod in understanding. “Ew. No. Gross .” Connie makes a disgusted sound, like she might be wretching as she walks away.
“Hey.” Joel’s voice sounds very unimpressed with the image in front of him. His new girlfriend holding the arms of another man– a handsome man, Joel is looking him up and down– while this handsome man embraces his new girlfriend's forearms in his strong hands? No. Joel does not like this at all. “What’s goin’ on?” He eyes you up and down now skeptically.
“Joel, you’re not going to believe this. This is my ex-boyfriend from highschool. The one I have talked about.” Because you have talked of him, fondly . He was a good boy. Always nice and respectful. Had a nice big dick too if you can remember correctly but you’re not remembering. Nope. Not even thinking about it. What is a penis? Don’t ask, ‘cause you don’t know.
“ Oh . Hey–it’s nice to meet you.” Joel offers his hand for a shake and Jackie slaps his hand in Joel’s with some force and they shake…for a while.
“We’ve met before, Joel. We do patrol together on Wednesday nights,” Jackie looks so confused as to how Joel just forgot who he was.
Joel knew who he was was he was too flustered to fucking say the right thing! You knew this because of how Joel’s eyes moved back and forth in the sockets while he searched for something to say.
“It’s nice– I mean it’s..” Joel struggles and stammers. “It’s nice to meet you as her ex-boyfriend.”
Your stomach cringes up inside of you because what the fuck was that!? Ugh! It made you wanna die for Joel. That was awful. You wish you could leave. Right now.
“Jackie, I’ll come see you about that greenhouse job soon. We’ll have to catch up sometime.” You pull Joel away, who is still staring at Jackie and try to find an exit door or some place that does not have what feels like ten thousand people in it.
“Oh, you’re goin’ t’work for him?” Joel says as you two walk outside. There are people walking by so he lowers his tone and takes a step towards you. “That really your ex-boyfriend? Are you fuckin’ shittin’ me?” Joel sounds like he’s upset with you.
“What? You think I called him up and told him about this place, missed him and told him to come over?” You start laughing because now he’s the jealous one! How’s it feeling, Joel!? How does it feel?
“No jokes .” Uh oh. Joel is serious. “You want to work for him?” He does not think you’re funny right now, He must have not smoked your medicine this morning.
“I’d like something to do during the day. I enjoy gardening. You know this. I’ve told you before. Connie says they need help anyway.” You kiss Joel on the mouth and he stares at you, giving you no kiss back. He’s stone faced, his eyes follow you around in the socket.
“Connie his ol’lady?” He asks. You want to lie and say yes to make things go easier but you don’t like to lie to Joel. Or anyone really.
“No. It’s his sister. Travel companion.” You explain. “Joel, I'm not interested in him. I just want something to do during the day. Something I like. How lucky would I be to have that? You get that! You like being a carpenter. I wanted to work in the greenhouse before I even knew Jackie ran it.”
“His name is Jacob. No one calls him Jackie .” Joel sneers. You chuckle softly at his jealousy.
“How is Ava?” You flick your eyebrows up to him once and cross your arms over your chest. Joel rolls his eyes. “Exactly! You were at her house every two days for jam! Gimmie a break. And she was touching on you. Joel, she wants to fuck you.” Joel’s eyes snap back to yours.
“No she doesn’t.” Joel says this like it’s something he’s convinced of. Interesting .
“Oh? I bet if you tried she wouldn’t turn you down.” You roll your eyes at him now.
“Oh, like Jackie would turn you down? Did you see the way he was lookin’ at you in there?” Joel points to the door you just walked out of. “Undressing you with his eyes. I do it all the time. I know what it looks like!” Joel is big jealous. Big mad. Big feelings.
“Oh get over it. I wasn’t undressing him, which is all that matters. Do you not trust me? Have I given a reason for you not to trust me? No. I don’t lie to you. I never have. Never will. ” You keep your arms crossed and turn your nose up at him. “I never even slept with him.” Joel is back by your side, his nose is in your ear.
“You better never, ever do it, either.” Joel growls. “ Mine . Remember? I’m your swinging dick. You’re my ol’lady. Don’t forget that.” He sounds so upset. You think he might be growling to cover up the…fear in his tone? You pull away from him and look up into his brown eyes but they are angry. Narrowed right on to yours.
“I don’t forget things.” You start walking back towards the building and into the building. Joel stays outside. It’s funny to you now, walking away because you’ve been forgetting a lot lately– like so much more than normal.
“This is my Mom!” You hear Ellie’s voice ring out over all the others and then her loud, clunky footsteps but they are accompanied by another set of footsteps.
“Hi Mrs. Miller. Ellie doesn’t stop talking about you.” It’s Dina! Ellie wants you to meet Dina! Oh this is so— what the fuck did Ellie just call you? For the first time? In public and in front of other people? She planned this so you wouldn’t make a big deal about it…you think.
“Hi. It’s Dina, right?” You ask, holding your hand out to shake, she shakes it with vigor. Dina nods and smiles at Ellie. “It’s nice to meet you. She pointed out where all her friends live when she showed me around.” You cover your tracks because you’re a good mom and don’t wanna give away that Ellie talks about Dina all the time.
“Mom, can I go to the movies with the kids from school? Joel said that I could go yesterday and I just wanna make sure it’s okay with you.” Ellie is hanging on to Dina’s jacket sleeve. You’re hanging on by a thread because she just called you mom again. Oh my fucking God. Stay calm, don’t embarrass your daughter. It’s so hard. You wanna squeeze her until she explodes.
“As long as you’re home for supper I’m fine with it. Have fun. Make good choices .” You lean in and kiss Ellie on the forehead. “Love you, Squeak. See you later.” You give her the nickname your mom had for you growing up.
Ellie and Dina take off together and are suddenly joined by ten other kids and they all run off. Joel is beside you.
“Where she goin’?” He asks, all the anger has left his voice. His hand finds yours and he holds it softly.
“Movies. With Dina. ” You bump your hip into his. You want to tell him what Ellie said but she called Joel…Joel. So you don’t know. Maybe she will always call him that? You don’t know. You’ll wait until you talk to Ellie about it unless she says it in front of him first.
“Sorry if I was an ass. I didn’t mean to be.” Joel squeezes your hand. He’s trying.
“It’s okay. You’re a good man. I love you.” You rest your head on his shoulder and watch everyone mingle in the basement of the old church.
“Love you, Bird. Wanna go for a walk with me?”
“You’re not going to be mad if I go work, right? At the greenhouse?” Joel’s eyes are on you as you speak, you can feel them but you don’t look up to him. You keep your eyes on the sidewalk in front of you. “I just don’t wanna be bored.” You shrug.
It hasn’t really been boring. You’ve been home for barely a week but you’re not used to being cooped up inside all the time. Even before you met Joel, you weren’t inside this much. You had chores and things to fucking do. Not lay in bed all day.
“You’re gonna work if we have kids?” Joel asks, squeezing your hand softly in his.
“I could. I could work in the market with Connie. Bring a baby right to work with me. Strap it right to my chest or back. Women do that in parts of the world, you know. Work with babies wrapped right up to their chest.” You cradle the air in front of your bust.
“If that’s what you want, Bird.” Joel doesn’t sound like he’s convinced himself he’s okay with this.
“Hey.” You finally stop and look up at him. “I was just shocked to see him. A familiar face. It was nice. Reminds me of a time I had almost started to think wasn’t real.” You hold back tears. “Memories of a– a simpler time. You have those memories, don’t you? You get them with Tommy.” Joel is looking down at you, his face is not soft or understanding. He is listening to you though. “I don’t know. I didn’t ever think I’d see someone from Jersey– from my childhood? Never. It was just shocking to know he’s still alive. A fucking brain fuck that he’s here in Jackson of all places.” You take a step forward and press your chest into Joel. “Doesn’t mean you have anything to worry about. Or be jealous of.” You purse your lips together for a kiss. Joel huffs, rolls his eyes and gives you a peck on the corner of the mouth.
“Fine. I don’t like it. Not one bit. I can’t cage the Bird though.” He kisses you on the forehead now, longer than the peck.
“You don’t have to like it. I don’t like that you still eat Ava’s shitty jam.” You sneer up at him gently, almost playfully. Joel laughs and wraps his arms around your neck and holds you close to him.
“Shitty jam. You liked it.” He’s still laughing. “Thought it was real good until you found out who made it.” Joel continues laughing. “Minx. You’re a lil minx.” Joel growls into the top of your head before he kisses it softly. “Mine. Do you want to go up top? You been up there?” Joel’s eyes shoot to the top of the wall that surrounds the colony.
“I haven’t been up there. Are there a lot of stairs?” You wrinkle your nose. Joel shakes his head and then stops. You see the gears turning.
“Kinda. I’ll piggy back you up on them. Like last night. C’mon, Bird. It’s pretty up there. Pretty sure you can see your old cabin.” Joel grabs your hand and slowly leads you towards the entrance of the giant wall that keeps out all the bad.
It’s easier to hop up onto Joel’s back today than it had been last night. You actually held on with one arm around his neck and the other gripping his shoulder as he carried you up the two flights of stairs to the top.
“My big, strong future husband.” You whisper into his ear as he nears the top. He likes this. He grips your legs tighter and makes a sound from deep in his chest.
Things are already feeling different with Joel. Things feel more like they did on the road when he’d be nice to you in front of Ellie and hold your hand towards the end near Salt Lake. You do love Joel. So much. You almost forgot about Jackie already but then he pops back into your head just for a second. His nice smile and beautiful hazel eyes.
“Bird, leggo f’me.” Joel is at the top of the stairs and you haven’t noticed because you’re thinking about someone else's eyes! No! Don’t do it! Stop! You ease yourself down off of Joel and he takes your hand again. “C’mon.” Joel leads you around the platform behind the outer edge of the wall. There are two sections. The outer part is the defense around the perimeter. The inner part of the wall, it’s hollow the entire way around. Then another wall, the interior. There are five feet between the two separate walls, and a platform around the entire thing for the patrol.
“How do I get on patrol duty?” You ask as Joe slowly walks you around the large circle.
“ You’d do patrol?” Joel asks like he cannot believe you’d want to do that.
“Do I get a cool fuckin’ vest like him?” You eye the guard on patrol now in his bulletproof, tan camo vest. Joel and him both chuckle as Joel gives him a nod.
“Ken.”
“Joel.” The man in the vest says. “I got extra, if she wants one!” He calls out as Joel leads you further around the circle.
“I do want a vest from Ken. I do. Get me one. I mean it. I’m a large if they come in sizes.” You do your best to keep up with Joel. “Slow down, Jesus. My leg!” You hiss at him. It feels like he’s running. What is he running from? You realize in that moment how fucking fucked you’d be if anything happened to this colony. You’d have to hide. Have to. You wouldn’t be able to run for shit. Couldn’t climb a tree. Probably couldn’t even get up the stairs. You’re having a panic attack.
“Babe? What’s wrong?” Joel is in front of you, holding onto your shoulders as you’re stopped in the middle of the platform. Eyes racing ten billion miles a minute in your head. It feels like you can't breathe at all. “Bird! What s’wrong? Are you okay?” No! No you’re not okay. You are a sitting duck with this leg and you do not like it. Not one bit. You also don’t like the fact that you’d be a sitting duck nine months pregnant. Nope. Don’t like that.
“No baby.” You whisper. “Bad leg. C-can’t run. Pregnant? Run? Baby? CRYING? ” You have done no real thought into what having a baby means. Not even a little. You had at one point, but all the common sense you had was tossed out the window when Joel started calling you a lil girl and telling you he wanted to put a baby inside you . Mother fucker. Sonofabitch .
“What are you talkin’ about?” Joel does not put your little words together to try and figure it out for himself. Nope. Doesn’t even try.
“Baby!? Crying!?” Is all you can get out. Joel stops moving and stares into your eyes. Both of you are silent and still. For like three minutes.
“I don’t hear a baby crying.” Joel says to you so seriously, while still staring at you.
“Not now!” You snap out of your panic stricken frozen statue pose and you shake yourself free from his hands. “We want to have a baby? But I cannot even run on my leg. What would we do if something happened?” You raise an eyebrow at him and cross your arms over your chest. Joel looks around and puts his arm around your shoulders and walks you slowly away from the patrol who is looking at you guys pretty hard.
“What are you talkin’ ‘bout? Nothin’s gonna happen.” Joel sounds like he’s pretty sure of this and it eases some of your stress, not all of it.
“What happens if something does? We don’t know what’s going to happen out there, Joel. I told Ellie that in the basement of that house when I thought you were going to die! We sound stupid saying we know that nothing’s going to happen.” You whisper, fully aware now that you’re not at your house and basically on a stage for everyone to look at. So, you keep your voice low. “I told Ellie that she needs to remember that she’s not untouchable and look at us. Forgetting the same fucking thing.” You’re so disappointed in yourself. Also in the little family you wanted to have so badly. You still have Ellie, but a part of you is crushed that you won't have your own kids one day.
Joel doesn’t say anything for a long time. He just walks you around the entire colony and you never actually stop to look at anything like he wanted. You just walk and think in silence. It’s like Joel got baby stupid and forgot all these things too and now he’s suddenly remembering that wood walls and guns don’t keep out fires and other things with guns. Or explosives.
Joel doesn’t piggy back you down the stairs, he helps you get down them carefully like your words did something to him and now he has to get you better. Immediately. No more babying you. No more carrying. You’re getting that leg better or it’s going to kill Joel.
“Okay. Talk to me calm. Slow. I need to know what you’re thinkin’.” Joel says as you two get inside. He leads you to the couch.
You explain to him everything going through your head. How would you carry a baby if your leg doesn’t heal all the way? How are you going to run from danger and protect a child and Ellie and yourself if you can barely run away? Can’t climb for shit, don’t know if you ever will be able to again. Joel listens without saying a word. You continue to explain how the wall is a false sense of security. It always is. Maria and Tommy can have their baby. You and Joel need to focus on keeping Ellie alive.
“ Fuck .” Joel rubs his hands over his eyes and leans back against the couch. “You’re right. We got baby fever, got caught up in it.” Joel sighs, his hands still over his eyes.
“I know. It sucks. I was really excited about it. Maybe it’s not off the table completely but this place is still so new. So fresh. Let it establish, settle a little longer. Then we can see?” You look up at Joel from your place beside him on the couch. “See how my leg heals?”
“Yeah. Yeah. We’ll get married first. See what happens.” Joel leans in and kisses the top of your head. He wraps one arm around your neck and pulls you close into him. You rest your head on his shoulder and feel like you could cry.
“Yeah.” You choke out— so sadly. Fuck. You’re so sad. This sucks. Fuck.
Chapter 5: Waco Jesus
Summary:
Ellie tells you some very interesting news.
Notes:
2 updates in one day? Somebody stop me...
I can't help it. I was too excited to post this chapter to wait until the morning <3 I love you all so much and hope you enjoy :3
Waco jesus- the callous daoboys
Chapter Text
“So this is where we grow everything for the market out front. It’s all fruits and veggies. Joel and Tommy said they’d work on expanding it for us.” Jackie explains as he walks you through the greenhouse. “Maybe you can get that expedited for us.” He winks at you and you feel all the blood rush to your cheeks.
“I’ll put in a work order with the carpenters and see what I can do.” You look into all the raised garden beds and all the plants growing out of them.
“It’d be appreciated by everyone. We’d be able to dig into the ground. The soil is so lush and fertile here. We’d be able to expand what everyone gets weekly. Connie wants to start a pumpkin patch—”
“A pumpkin patch would be such a good idea.” You interrupt on accident but this does excite you. “Sorry, we could do pumpkins and get some corn planted. Some more wheat.” You point to the corner of the greenhouse that is dedicated to wheat and it’s almost depleted. “We could do barley and hops. The guys at the bar could set up a distillery. Make moonshine and beer.”
“Wow. Look at you with all these good ideas.” Jackie turns, leaning against a table behind him. “You were always full of ideas. Not always good ones. Remember when you tried to back my car out of the driveway and knocked over your neighbors–”
“Mailbox? Yes. I do.” You chuckle and lean against the a large, raised garden bed. “I got into so much fucking trouble for that.” You look up at Jackie, he’s smiling at you. “My dad tried to tell me I couldn’t see you for a month—”
“I saw you that night.” Jackie finishes what you were gonna say. You nod at him. “Sure did see you that night.” He sounds sentimental. It’s making your stomach flutter because you remember what you did with him that night. Got naked in the back of his car and touched. Nothing more. Just touched but he saw you. Really saw you that night for the first time.
“We did a lot of stupid shit back then.” You’re smirking so hard it’s turning into a smile too. Shit. Stop smiling at him. You probably look so dumb smiling at him like this.
“Sure did.” Jackie is looking at you through his lashes. He doesn’t seem devious. Not at all. Just silly. “Remember the time your mom cut my hair—”
“And bleached the tips! Frosted tips! Oh my God! Yes!” You laugh again because he looked so fucking cute but he hated it. Hated it so much and your mom wouldn’t die it back or cut it until he grew it out a little.
“I was so mad at your mom… ” Jackie was laughing but stopped quickly. "She still..?"
“No. I think she got as far as like, Akron Ohio, then she got taken out pretty quick.” You look down to the ground and your shoes. “What about your parents?”
“Both made it out of Jersey. My mom stayed with a colony down in Texas but it was culty as fuck. My dad and I split and made our way up here but he passed two years ago. Heart attack out in the woods. I think. He wasn’t infected. Not shot. Just died hunting one day.” Jackie’s voice doesn’t quiver once. “Your dad last long? Seems like the kinda guy who would last long.”
“He did. Died maybe four years ago? I can’t remember. Got an infection in his blood. Went septic real quick after that.” Jackie nods as you explain. “Sucked to watch him die like that.”
“Damn. Surprised he didn’t shoot himself. Or worse, make you do it.” Jackie chuckles a little and so do you because that is something your dad would have made you do.
“I was shocked too. I couldn’t believe he suffered like that for so long, ya know? He was such a hard head I thought for sure he’d limp out into the woods and end it before it got as bad as it did. He suffered to the very end.” You remember it like it was yesterday. Listening to him crying and begging to not die.
“Scared.” Jackie is looking at you when you back up at him from your feet again. “He was scared. Normal. I’da been scared. Hell, I’m still scared most of the time. These walls don’t mean shit.” You nod at him when he speaks.
“Yeah, I just had that realization yesterday after worship. It’s scary. Nothing like before the outbreak.” You sigh and shove your hands into your hoodie pocket.
“Not even a little bit. I like this colony. The people are great but they’re all a little wall-blinded. Too comfortable.” Jackie takes a step towards you, you try to step back but there is the garden bed behind you. “Do you want the job?” He holds his hand out for yours and you nod.
“Yeah, I would.” You put your hand inside his and what the fuck was that? Why are you buzzing the way you are? What did this man do to you? He did nothing. Not one single thing but hold your hand and shake it gently. His eyes looked into yours for a long time, he held your hand in his as he stared at you.
“You look so…” Jackie trails off and you pull your hand away from his. “Sorry— it’s just real crazy seeing you again.” He doesn’t take his eyes off your face. They’re focused directly onto your lips and you would kiss him if it weren’t for Joel.
“I have to get home. Ellie will be home from school soon. I’ll come back in the morning. You can show me what I’ll be doing.” You sidestep Jackie and move as fast as your body will allow you out of the back door of the greenhouse.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Does Joel have something to be jealous of? No. Not even a little bit. Right? Fuuuck. Shiiit. This is worse than Ava’s dry fuckin’ bread. God dammit. No fucking way. You find a tiny piece of happiness carved right out in the woods and the two only people to ever see you naked are in the same footballl field sized colony. What are the chances? Really? You’d love to fucking know. This sounds like some fucked up warning that your mom would give you about fooling around. Keep your clothes on. You never know who is gonna see you and then you have to see them, knowing they’ve seen you with no clothes on. For the rest of your life, Squeak! Keep your bra on! Don’t let the boys see nothin’!
Now you wish you had kept your bra on. So badly. So, so badly. Oh dear. You’re also sure you almost kissed him in there. You don’t know for sure, but it sure fucking felt like you guys were about to kiss. You think about what Joel said to you once.
“I’d kill anyone who ever touched you.”
Now you are scared for Jackie. Joel and Jackie do patrols on Wednesday nights together. Lest a horrible accident befall Jackie this Wednesday. You’d never forgive Joel if an accident happened to Jackie while Joel was around. You know what Joel is capable of. You’ve seen it with your own eyes. He’s told you! Told you what he did! With the innocents! Jackie is an innocent! Fuck!
“Where are you going?” Joel’s voice calls from above you. You look up and he’s on the roof of a building.
“Home. I got the job at the market and greenhouse.” You shield your eyes so you can see him better. Looking into his face makes you feel better. He’s just as hot as he was before he left for work this morning.
“I bet you did.” Joel rolls his eyes. “Hold on, I’m comin’ down.” And then he’s gone. He reappears from behind the building, down an alley. “Bird. Psst. C’mere.” He nods you over with his head. You limp to him. He pulls you completely behind the building he had been working on top of.
Joel’s mouth is on yours and his hand is down the front of your pants before you can say hi to him. You’re soaked and he is… curious as to why.
“Wet? What were you doing in that greenhouse?” Joel growls into your parted lips as his fingers thrum against your clit quickly.
“I was thinking about you.” You lie to him. “Thinkin’ about how you fucked me so good this morning, Daddy.” You whisper into his ear. He loves this, loves the way you’re speaking to him in public. Joel pushes his hands further down your pants and his fingers slide between your velvet and into your entrance.
“My lil girl. You are. My sweet girl.” Joel coos softly. “Come for me before you go home baby.” He pulls his fingers from within you and strums them around your clit quickly. “Come lil baby. I love hearing you try and hold it back.” You are trying to hold back. It feels so good. The calloused pads of his fingers rub against you quickly and with force behind them. Joel’s warm breath on your ear and neck as he whispers dirty things. “Love touchin’ your perfect pussy. Wanna feel you come on me before I go back to work. Hurry lil girl, I don’t got all day.” He growls against the side of your face as he works his fingers against you quicker.
“Daddy.” You moan breathlessly against his shoulder as he makes you come. You don’t gush but you do come, Joel can feel how wet you get against his fingers and you’re holding on to his biceps for dear life.
“Yes baby girl. Just like that.” Joel pulls his fingers from your pants and sticks them into your partially open mouth, but instead of letting you suck them clean, he leans in and both of your tongues lap and lick hungrily at the juices on his fingers and knuckles. Joel looks into your eyes the whole time, never looks away. “Mine. No one will ever make you feel the way I do, Bird.”
Holy shit. Why and how did Joel get so hot? It almost makes you sick thinking about it. He’s so experienced and you’re… technically fifteen…sexually. As weird as that sounds. You’re a grown woman, yes. But you had never even had a finger inside of you before you met Joel. You sure as hell didn’t know how to make yourself feel the way he made you feel. You never had anything to base it on.
Why are you even thinking about all that? Doesn’t matter. He’s your future husband. Ya’ll promised. Not that it matters at all about the promise. You love him. You love him so damn much. You again have nothing to compare it to. It’s nothing like the love you have for Ellie. And you were fifteen when you were in love with Jackie and this feels different from that.
Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Shit. Fuck.
Ellie is already home from school when you walk through the door. She’s at the table doing her homework like a good girl.
“Hey, Squeak. Can we talk?” You ask, sitting down gingerly across from her. Her eyes go sad and she looks down at the table “What’s wrong? What did you do?” You tilt your head to the side and wonder what could have happened. What did she break? She looks up at you, her fingers fidget with the pencil she has in her hand.
“What’s wrong? Why do you sound mad at me?” She asks in her little tiny girl voice. “Are you mad that I called you mom the other day? I won—”
“Ellie, no. Not at all. I’m not mad. I loved it. I don’t ever want you to stop.” You laugh nervously and give her your concerned eyes. “Why do you look guilty though?” You ask, still nervous. She shrugs.
“You just weren’t here when I got home. Then you walk in and say we need to talk. Don’t even give me a hug.” Ellie looks back down at the table.
“ Pipsqueak .” You stand, even though it hurts. You walk around the table and hold her head into your chest. “I’m sorry. I have so much on my mind right now.” You sigh against the top of her head. “It’s got nothing to do with you though, hon.” You whisper and kiss the top of her head. “I was just distracted. I got a job today.” You pull away, still keeping your arms wrapped around her neck so you can look down at her. “Down at the greenhouse. You can come help me whenever you want, I’ll teach you how to garden.” You kiss her forehead and she finally smiles.
“Is that what is on your mind?” Ellie asks as you limp back to your chair. You shrug your shoulders.
“Mostly. Yeah. Just trying to adjust to not having to run away and be on the move all the time.” You lie to Ellie. “Can I ask you something?” She nods. “Why do you call me mom but you don’t call Joel dad?” Ellie drops her eyes to the table.
“I dunno. It’s just different. He feels like my dad but he’s just my…Joel.” Ellie’s eyes flick up from her homework. “Should I call him dad? I don’t know. It just feels…different. You never had kids before. You want to be a mom. I don’t know if calling Joel dad would just make him sad about Sarah.” You hadn’t thought about that. This almost fifteen year old is more in touch with her feelings than you are.
“I think you should talk to him. Maybe don’t make that assumption for yourself, babe. He’s never going to ask you to call him dad.” You don’t know this for sure, but you would have never asked Ellie to call you mom. The rejection if she had said no would have broken your heart in two. Also, kind of a weird thing to ask a kid… who is dealing with her own traumas.
“You do? How do you even bring that up?” She rests her elbow on the table and rests her head on her fist. You lean back and think for a minute, looking down at the table before you answer.
“Yeah. I do think you should talk to him. Just ask him what he wants. He’s told me he wants a family with all of us. Wants us to have his last name some day.” You reach for her free hand and she holds yours with hers softly. “Just talk to him. Go for a walk. I dunno. Bring him to your clean and tidy bedroom. Talk to him. Cry if you have to. Don’t hold back. Just be honest.” You squeeze her hand. “He loves you so much. So, so much. You didn’t see him doing everything he could to get you ou—”
You’re still speaking but Ellie’s eyes flash and she sits up, pulling her hand from yours.
“What happened? That day at the hospital. I don’t remember anything. We were all outside and then I woke up in the back of that car.”
Fuck. You have to think so hard about what Joel said in the park that one day when you were fucking high. It was only two fucking days ago.
“The doctors were telling us that… that the tests that they were trying weren’t working. They were going to stop looking for a cure. When Joel and I went to get you… the umm– the raiders! The raiders came. I’m sorry Ellie. I lost a lot of blood. I don’t really remember it all that well.” You lie again because you remember every single thing except for the parking garage. You remember everything before that.
“It’s okay. That’s what Joel said happened. I don’t know. I just feel— feel like something isn’t right.” She looks back at you with skeptical eyes like she doesn’t really believe what you’ve told her but the next thing you tell her isn’t a lie.
“I feel the same way. Things don’t feel right.” You say it before you can pepper it with some pizzazz to make it seem like you’re not scared. Her eyebrows furrow. You scramble and think of a new lie to cover up what you’ve just said. “We’re getting used to regular life. It’s hard. It doesn’t feel right. Trusting new people. Relaxing at night. It feels weird.” Good one. Good one. She seems less frightened. A little more at ease.
“That makes sense, I guess. I don’t know. Things just feel weird.” You stare at her for a long time.
“Why do you say that?”
“I dunno, maybe for the reasons you say? You seem different. Joel is different.” She shrugs but her eyes never meet yours.
“How are we different? Bad different?” You’re scared now.
“He just looks at you different. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. He always used to look at you. I knew he liked you the whole time. He just…looks at you with different eyes now. Sometimes it’s a little scary–”
“It’s scary? The way he looks at me?” Your heart is pounding in your chest. Sweat is dripping down your spine and the hair on the back of your neck is standing straight up.
“You look at him scary too though.” She looks up at you now. “Sometimes, like you don’t believe what he’s saying. It’s a lot. More than I ever saw you look at him like that on the road.”
You wonder how much attention she was paying to yours and Joels’ eyes back then. Jesus Christ.
“How do you know what I look like when I don’t believe someone?” You ask curiously, trying to hide your immense fear.
“I don’t. But I know what lookin’ scared looks like. And you look scared a lot. ” Ellie confesses to you.
“And Joel looks at me like he’s…scared of me too?” You ask nervously. Why would Joel be scared of you? Ellie shakes her head silently. Her eyes scan across the table in front of her rapidly. “What do you mean he looks at me scary then? I don’t understand…”
“He looks at you like…” She struggles to find the word she wants to use. “He looks like he wants to—” The front door opens. It’s Joel.
“My girl– what are you guys talking about?” Joel looks at the scene before him. You’re basically laying on the table, trying to coax the next words out of Ellie’s mouth and she’s leaning against the table like you’ve hypnotized her into staring at you.
“Girl stuff.” Ellie spits it out. Is she scared? Was she scared just this very second? You were scared and you don’t even know why. You do know why because she was about to admit something terrible. You could feel it in your chest, and you still do for some reason. She just couldn’t find the word for it. Fuck. He must have gotten out early.
“Yeah. That.” You look up at Joel who doesn’t believe either one of you. It’s in his eyes but he drops it and walks further into the house and into the bedroom. “I love you. We’ll talk later. Finish your homework.” You whisper to Ellie before getting up from the table.
With a still racing heart, you walk into the bedroom and lean against the doorframe of the attached bathroom as he gets undressed. Fuck, he is so nice to look at.
“Did you have a good rest of your day after I saw you?” You look him up and down as he slides the flannel off his arms. Joel looks over at you smirking and nods.
“Could smell you on my fingers for the last hour.” Joel pulls the black t-shirt off and over his head and tosses it at you. “You’re so fuckin’ hot lettin’ me touch you like that in public. I love that shit. I was fuckin’ throbbin’. If I had more time I would have fucked you up against that wall, baby girl.” Joel’s pulling his jeans off now and you can see his erection in his boxers. Hard to fuckin’ miss.
“Come here.” You nod Joel over but he waves you away with his hand.
“She’s out there. Get outta here, you horny Bird. I stink. I need to shower. You’re distractin’ me.” He gets into the cold shower and shuts the curtain.
“Yeah but I like bein’ around you. Like talkin’ to you.” You walk further into the bathroom and shut the door. You sit down carefully on the closed toilet seat and Joel looks out at you from behind the curtain.
“So what you wanna just hang out in here with me while I jerk off and shower?” Joel chuckles but you’re nodding.
“Yes. Moan for me, Daddy.” You whisper as he closes the curtain again. You do hear him give you a throaty groan from over the sound of the shower. “Yeah. Touch yourself for me. Are you thinking about my throat or my cunt, Daddy?” The shower curtain snaps open and Joel, who is now dripping with water, pokes his head out.
“Who taught you how to talk like that?” His eyebrows are furrowed. You raise your eyebrows and point to him. His face softens, but not much and he snaps the curtain back to being closed. You laugh as he talks from behind it now. “Don’t stop.”
“Do you want to go deeper in my throat like you did before? Go as deep as you can? Choke me and make me gag?” You talk softly and a little throaty. Trying to make it sound sexy for him in your jeans and sweatshirt.
“Christ, yes. I do. Keep going.” Joel answers from behind the shower curtain.
“You can come in my mouth and all over my face. I love when you come in my mouth, Daddy.”
“Jesus H Christ.” Joel groans softly. You hear him panting softly and another soft groan and then he’s quiet. “You’re terrible. Horny as hell. S’one of the reasons I love the shit out of you, dirty bird.” Joel’s laughing from behind the shower curtain. “You got the job? I’m proud of you, baby. I forgot to tell you earlier.”
“Thank you. I’m going in tomorrow morning to start. Jacob wanted me to tell you that the expansion of the greenhouse would help the community a lot. Get some more stuff planted. Have more food per house.” You explain, still sitting on the toilet set. “Just passing the word along.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll talk to Tommy about it. We can probably put the bowling alley on hold for a couple weeks.” Joel’s voice carries over the shower curtain. “I’d get to see you too. You’d be there, right?”
“Yeah. There or inside the market but I’d be there.” You smirk because he is sweet and kind. Hot as hell, too. Even at fifty-something.
“What do you wanna do for dinner? I was—”
“I have to go hunting, it’s my turn. I go with Tommy, Ken and Philly on Monday’s.” Joel shuts the shower off. “I’m not gonna be here for dinner. You and Ellie go to Maria’s for dinner. She’ll probably be there all by herself.” He wraps himself up in a towel. “I’m sorry,” He sees the look of disappointment on your face.
“It’s okay. Don’t be sorry.” You know Joel has responsibilities here. You won’t be going to Maria’s. You will be staring into Ellie’s eyes and trying to get her to spill the beans. What the fuck was she going to say before Joel got home?
Ellie is staring at you from the edge of her bed. She’s got her knees tucked up into her chest. She is looking at you with regret in her eyes.
“I shouldn’t have said anything. I don’t even know what I’m talking about.” Ellie says when you don’t let up the staring contest.
“ Liar .” You whisper. “Tell me what you were gonna say.”
“I can’t.” Ellie’s eyes are pleading with you to leave her alone. Stop pestering. You’re not going to like the answer.
“You can. That’s the thing. You have the mouth and the vocal cords that make it possible for you to tell me.” Ellie rolls her eyes. “Why can’t you tell me? I won’t like what you say?” You ask. Ellie nods. “Is it about Joel?” You lean in. Ellie nods again. “Is it bad? Real bad?” You’re forehead is almost touching Ellies.
“Mom, I can’t. You’ll be so mad.”
This makes you do two things. It makes your heart explode with love for that little girl. So much love. It also makes your heart and stomach drop into your asshole.
“Okay. I’m gonna guess– and all you have to do is nod or shake your head no. ‘Kay?” Your words feel like they are getting stuck in your throat as you talk. You think of all the things. “Does Joel look at me like he wants to hurt me?” Ellie shakes her head and furrows her brows. “Okay. Does it have anything to do with what we were talking about earlier?” You ask desperately. She shrugs. “That’s not an answer. Yes or no.” You point your index finger at her. She shakes her head. “But it is about Joel?” You tilt your head to the side, still pointing at her. She nods again.
Fuck. Fuck. When Ellie does decide to talk it’s fast. So fast you almost can’t understand her.
“JoelandMiss.AvakissedabunchbeforeweleftforSaltLake.” Ellie throws her hands over her mouth and closes her eyes. You gasp. So loud. “See! I knew you were going to be mad! I should have never said anything! We just were talking earlier and I thought that’s what you were talking about! Was about Miss. Ava and Joel. That’s what I thought you meant when you said things didn’t feel right!”
“Okay. You’re fine. Me and Joel weren’t exclusive before we left for Salt Lake. You have nothing to feel bad for. I promise. I knew about it. I did.” You lie.
“Then why did you gasp?” She asks, with a raised eyebrow in confusion. You have to think.
“I am… just so shocked— that you know! Why and how do you know that!?” You exclaim.
“We stayed here in this house before we left and she would come over all the time. I’d see them on the couch before they’d go into your bedro—”
“Stop! Please stop!” You hold your hand over her mouth. “I don’t want you to tell me anything else. Okay? I love you so very much, you cute fuckin’ baby.” You stand up and kiss her forehead. “I love you.” Your hand is still over her mouth. “You’re perfect and you did nothing wrong. Not at all. I knew all this.” You lie again.
Oh. You didn't know any of this shit! What the fuck!? You think you might actually throw up. But all of that happened before you guys became offical. At the same time as your little escapades in the woods. What the fuck? Okay. It’s fine. You two were not exclusive. You’re going to throw up. You actually have to go outside and stand on the porch for fresh air. Your head is spinning. Of course he wouldn’t tell you. You wonder where Jackie lives. You wonder why he wasn’t the one you passed on the road the day you met Joel. Hmph.
You wait on the porch until two in the morning. Joel comes home with a beer in his hand.
“You waited up f’me?” Joel slurs softly. You chuckle. You’ve been stewing in your new anger and it’s very clear headed anger, waiting up for him. Yes.
“Sure did. Come sit, buddy.” You pat the seat on the bench next to you.
“Buddy? Uh-oh. What’d I do?” Joel smirks and starts up the stairs. You’re so glad that he’s giggling. You hope he keeps giggling honestly, it’ll make it easier to shove that beer bottle into his urethra.
“Why don’t you tell me? Since I already know, I’d like to hear it from you.” You’re still smiling. You have no idea why, you’re actually so upset. The smile is coming from the insane part of your brain. You’ve never really ventured into there before. Never had a reason to. Joel gives you a big brown eyed look. Not falling for it this time, Buster.
“What are you talkin’ ‘bout?” Joel leans back and takes a swig off his beer bottle. You mirror him and lean back, smiling still, you can’t stop it. “Why’re you smilin’ at me like that? You sound mad…but you—” The light leaves Joel’s eyes, you can see it happen. They go dull like the bulb died behind them.
“Did you figure it out? Because I still know. Didn’t forget.” You tap your head softly. Joel stares at you. “I know, Joel. I fucking know.” He doesn’t say anything, just stares at you. “Yep. I know about who used to come visit in between our little romps in the woods.” You shake your head at him, the smiles gone now. Long gone. “In our bed?” You ask dully. “Really? You moved me into a bed that you used to fuck someone else on? You couldn’t even get a new house? There are other house— Oh… is it because someone else’s house is two doors down…” The smile is back, why the fuck are you smiling?
“That had nothin’ to do with–”
“Oh my God. I thought for sure you were going to deny it. Not admit to it first thing. Oh God. I have to go for a walk.” You stand up but Joel tries to grab your hand. “No.” You pull it from his grasp and stuff it into your hoodie pocket. “I’m walking. Maybe I’ll come home tonight. I don’t know.”
Not only did Joel fuck Ava. He lied about it. You asked. Okay. He didn’t really lie because you asked if something happened between him and Ava while you were in the hospital. Joel with his audacity to have said anything about your cunt belonging to him before you left for Salt Lake while he was already fucking someone else. Did he ask Ava first and she said no? Is she mad that he came back with someone else? If it wasn’t almost two thirty in the morning you would have gone up to her door and knocked because you’re really tapping into that crazy jealous part of your brain— OH! What if Ava is one of those going deepest women Joel said he knew??!! Oh! No! Joel could be going deeper into her throat right now! You think about rushing home but you do not. Your jealousy won’t get the best of you. Not tonight.
“Bird?”
Stop. Stop it right now. Why is Jackie Harris out walking around at two thirty in the morning?
“Jackie?” You turn and it is him. It's Jackie Harris and he’s carrying a shotgun like Joel had been carrying. “Did you hunt tonight?” You ask curiously. He nods, motioning you to follow him.
“Philly came down with something, stomach bug, food poisoning. Asked if I could cover for him– what are you doing up? Lookin’ for Joel? We all went to Tommy’s house after–”
“I found Joel.” You say curtly. Jackie chuckles. You look up at him.
“He in the dog house for something?” Jackie looks down at you with his beautiful hazel eyes.
“Is it that obvious?” You can’t help but smile at the look he’s giving you.
“Kinda.” Jackie pulls his gaze from yours and stops in front of a pale yellow house. “Me and Connie live here. Wanna come inside?” It sounds innocent. Like just a friendly, do you need someone to talk to? You do need someone to talk to but it’s, like, super inappropriate to be talking to your childhood ex-boyfriend about it? Right? “We can just sit on the porch– I don’t want to put you in a weird position with Joel.”
“Yeah, we can sit on the porch.”
Jackie leads you up the driveway. Your house with Joel is on the other side of this house. You cannot see it from your front porch. You could see Jackie’s backyard from yours. But you’re not in Jackie’s backyard.
“Everything okay?” Jackie asks it hesitantly, like he knows this isn’t a good idea either. You shrug. This is getting dumber and dumber by the second. Why did you even follow him up here? “You don’t have to talk about it. But I am always here to listen. If you ever need a friend in this place. A real one. Connie, too. She’s a good kid. Got a good heart.”
“You never slept with her?” You give him a knowing look. He shakes his head.
“Nah, it wasn’t ever on my mind really. I did it a couple times with some girls in colonies and shit we’d find. But when it was me and my dad and Connie all together on the road it was hard.” Jackie chuckles and shakes his head. “Never tried with Connie and then when I was horny enough to ask, it felt weird because she felt like family.” Jackie’s laughing under his breath now. The way his face moves, the lines around his mouth and eyes show the years he’s aged but it’s handsome. He’s handsome. His laughter makes you smile.
Neither of you talk for a while. Then Jack speaks again, softly.
“Is Joel…good to you? Nice to you?” His eyes are looking into yours when you look up from the floor.
“You’re the second person to ask me that in like…three days.” Your eyes scan his face and he looks worried for you. “Why?” Your heart is pounding in your chest again. Jackie seems good at articulating his words. He’ll fucking tell you.
“I just heard stories. He’s a no bullshit kinda guy, from what I hear. Just wanna make sure you’re safe.” Jackie tries to smile but you can see the fakeness behind it. “He’s a lot older than you. Like, almost twenty years. I know you’re grown but…it’s not like you had a lot of experience before the outbreak.” Jackie looks out into the road, like he’s nervous and checking to see if anyone is coming. No one is.
“What do you mean?” The words he speaks confuses you. Not as confused as you are to how Joel went through Ava’s shit jam so fast. But you look at him with worry in your eyes because this is your future. You made a promise.
“I dunno. It’s probably nothing. Forget I said—” Jackie sighs loudly and you can hear the regret in his voice but you want someone to give you a clear answer.
“What do you mean? Tell me. I live with the guy.” You take a step closer to Jackie and he backs away slowly. He didn’t do that earlier, he stepped towards you. The thought of Joel and Jackie in the woods alone races through your head. “Did he talk to you? Did he say anything to you on this hunting excursion?” You raise an eyebrow and take another step towards him, he tries to back away again but the edge of the porch is behind him. He shakes his head but his eyes are staring at your forehead! Not your eyes! “Look’it me.” You stand on your tip toes for two seconds and catch his eye. “What’d he say to you?”
“I’m not fuckin’ repeating what he said. No way. I’d never call you those things. Never.” Jackie furrows his eyebrows. The blood drains from your face.
“What did he call me?” You ask softly. You feel tears prick at the corners of your eyes. Jackie does take a step towards you and reaches for you but he withdraws his hand at the last minute. You two are just on his front porch, standing inches apart. Jackie is taller than Joel by a couple inches, you have to crane your neck up to look at him.
“I won't repeat it because it wasn’t very nice.” Jackie whispers. “Why are you mad at him?” He asks just as softly.
“I found out he was fucking Ava before we left for Salt Lake.” You whisper it to him like he slipped you some kind of truth serum. “We weren’t together then but we were fucking too. And he lied to me about it.” The tears fall from your eyes in big, fat drops. Jackie wipes them away gently with his thumb.
“I figured you knew about that. Everyone does.” His voice is so sweet as it delivers this heart wrenching news. It makes you close your eyes and lean into him. “I’m sorry, B.” He whispers, wrapping one arm around your back. “That’s real shitty. I’m sorry.”
“What did he say about me? What did he call me, Jackie. Don’t let me end up with an ass.” You plead quietly in his chest. You feel him sigh softly.
“C’mon. Sit. I’ll tell you everything.
After you sit down on the bench similar to the one on your porch Jackie explains what happens out in the woods.
The Woods
“We need to talk.” Joel’s voice is quiet behind Jackie, it startles him slightly but he nods Joel up to his side. Their steps are slow and quiet. They fall into rhythm with each other mindlessly to make less noise.
“What’s up, man? Everything okay?” Jackie looks down at Joel with concerned eyes. Jackie knew that his ol’lady had been up in the medical center for a while. Jackie just hadn’t known who his ol’lady was. Connie talked about you a lot. Called you Birdie but that’s not what Jackie knows you as. Nope. Now, he’s worried something’s wrong with you the way Joel is talking.
“That’s up to you.” Joel doesn’t look at Jackie when he talks, just keeps his eyes scanning the woods in front of him. “You still got eyes for Bird or did I make that up yesterday in the church basement? The way you were lookin’ at her?” Joel still doesn’t look up, but his voice is steady and low. Jackie doesn’t really know what to say. “Her cunt was all wet when she left the greenhouse today after seein’ you. You know anything about that?” Joel does look up at Jackie now, to gauge his reaction. All Joel sees is shock.
“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, Joel. I wouldn’t touch her. I know she’s not available.” Jackie whispers after a couple moments of scanning Joel’s face to see if he was going to smile and laugh and slap his back, say just kidding or something but Joel stays stone faced.
“If she was available you’d touch her though right? See if that pussy tastes the same as it did in high school?” Joel isn’t looking at Jackie anymore, he doesn’t need to look at him. He knows that this handsome young man didn’t touch his Bird in that greenhouse but Joel knows that he wants to.
“You’re reading way too much into it. We haven’t seen each other in over twenty years, Joel. It was shocking– to say the least– to turn around and see her standing right in front of me. Regardless of what you two got going on now. I did care for her a lot at one point and it is nice to see her.” Jackie explains calmly, also with a steady voice. Both men are poised out here in the dark woods. “I’m not like that kinda guy, Joel. I can care about someone and not want to fuck them.” Jackie isn’t lying. His mom raised him to be a respectful, caring young man. He respects women. Joel is sounding like he doesn’t. Jackie doesn’t like that. Knowing he’s going home to you later.
Joel doesn’t interrupt or anything. Doesn’t make a sound. Just listening to the confidence in this boy's voice. Jackie waits for a response because he yes, he can care for someone without wanting to fuck them. Sure. But it’s all he’s fucking thought about since he’s seen you. Had to go home and jerk off twice after worship. All knowing you were Joel’s ol’lady.
“Is all you had to say?” Jackie says after a painfully long bout of silence. Joel chuckles.
“No.” It’s short and Joel turns his head to look at Jackie and stops walking for the first time since they met up. Jackie stops too and looks down at Joel in the light of the moon. He looks skeptical of Joel and the older man can see it all over Jackie’s face. “She’s mine. I mean it. I’m putting babies inside her. Right before worship I filled her right up to the brim. She had her hands on your arms but my come was leaking out of her pussy. Remember that next time you wanna stroke one out to my cunt. My baby factory. ” And then Joel walks off without another word.
Jackie is left standing under a giant tree, completely stunned and honestly disgusted that Joel would ever say that about anyone. Let alone you! The first woman Jackie had ever seen completely naked. The image of you with your knees spread, fingers inside of yourself in the backseat of his Dodge Neon the night you ran over your neighbor's mailbox was burned into his brain. Jackie had so much respect for you, the way Joel spoke about you made him angry.
Once the hunt was over Tommy invited everyone over for a couple of beers before everyone went home, including Jackie. They all sat around the fire and talked about the bounty they had been able to bring in tonight. Tommy got a couple rabbits, big ones. Ken got a deer a couple miles away from the colony and Tommy and Joel had to help him bring it in. Jackie got a deer too, after the talk with Joel. But he was able to carry it in on his own. They skinned the animals, bled them. Ken stayed back and butchered everything up for tomorrow at the market. There was a big deep freeze he would go put everything in when he was done. Jackie would be showing you how to organize it all for everyone in the community tomorrow.
Joel’s eyes never left Jackie. Not one time. Even Tommy noticed when he tried to pass him a joint and Joel never noticed. Tommy had to tap him on the shoulder twice.
Jackie smoked, like to smoke and drink. Eased a little of the trauma he was dealing with himself. Quietly. Eventually, when Jackie had his fill of weed and beer, he said his goodnights and headed home. He lived the furthest from Tommy and was going to take his time. He had a lot to think about and was tired of going home to an empty bed. Joel had followed him out, with a beer in his hand. Jackie cut down towards the medical center, in the opposite direction of the housing tract to avoid talking to Joel again. Now especially because Joel had been drinking. Jackie sat on the bench outside of the medical center, in front of the park for a while before he decided it was safe to head home. That’s when he ran into you.
“He said all of that?” You cannot believe your ears. No way. Joel wouldn’t speak about you like that to someone else, would he? You clearly don’t know that man at all! Or…Jackie could be lying– but Jackie has never lied to you and Joel is caught in a whole new lie about Ava right now. Jackie just nods his head solemnly.
“You can stay here tonight– no funny business, really– I’d sleep on—”
“Joel might actually burn your house down if I do that.” You say. There was supposed to be humor wrapped up in those words but no humor came out. Just fear.
“I was thinking that too. With us in it.” Jackie chuckles softly. “You’ll be alright– going back there tonight?” You nod. You don’t really ever think Joel would hurt you. He might yell at you and call you terrible things but now you know where Jackie lived. You’re honestly surprised Joel hasn’t come looking for you yet.
“Yeah. I should go home now. Before he comes looking for me.” You chuckle nervously.
Jacob Harris leans in and kisses you softly. A soft exhale of breath from his nose tickles your upper lip when he touches you, like he had been wanting this. You let out the same exhale from your own nose because it does feel good. It ended as quickly as it had happened and you are left blinking at a blinking Jacob Harris.
“I’m so sorry.” He whispers. “I don’t know why I did–”
“I have to go.” You stand and limp away as quickly as you can.
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
There is a light on at Ava’s house when you walk by and panic strikes your heart because why is she awake? Did Joel go over there?
No he did not. He’s still on the porch. You had been gone for over an hour, close to two honestly and Joel hadn’t moved an inch.
“Where’d you limp off to for so long?” Joel asked like he already knew. He doesn’t look at you when you stand in front of the door to go inside.
“I ran into Jackie.” You do not lie. Joel’s head snaps to you. “We talked for a while.” You lean against the door frame and cross your arms. Joel’s eyes are locked onto yours and he looks panicked. Like he did in the hospital when the first shots were fired in your direction. When he realized how much blood you were losing. He has those same eyes.
“What’d you guys talk about?” Joel asks. He doesn’t sound curious. He sounds again, like he already knows.
“Old times. Being dumb kids.” You don’t really lie. “Talked about our families.” You pepper in some of the conversation from the greenhouse earlier to give it some flavor. Joel just nods. “Talked about what you guys shot in the woods.” You drop your tone a little, and make him have to strain to hear you. “Told me what you said.” Joel chuckles and shakes his head in disbelief.
“What’d he tell you? I didn’t see that kid all night. I was with Tommy and Ken most of the night.” Joel rolls his eyes and turns away from you now, looking back out into the front yard. You nod at him slowly.
“What about before that? You didn’t talk to Jackie? Didn’t call me your cunt. A baby factory?” You sneer at him. Joel shoots up off the bench and is in front of you before you can react.
“I never fucking said that. I never would say that shit. If you believe that lying little boy, go right ahead Anything he said to you was a bullshit excuse to try and fuck you. Don’t be so fucking gullible.” He’s growling. Angrily.
“Like I was believing you?” You pull away and look up at him. “I believed every fucking word you said to me about Ava. You looked me right in the eyes and said nothing happened. When something clearly did happened. Whether it was before me or not. I had a right to know and you had a very good opportunity to tell me about it and you didn’t.” You’re angry. So angry you could hit him but you keep your emotions level, surprisingly. You did just kiss Jacob Harris and it felt good.
“So now what? You’re done with me?” Joel doesn’t move when you go for the door handle.
“I don’t know. Maybe. I’m sleeping upstairs tonight. I’ll never sleep in that bed you fucked Ava on ever again. Never.” You snap at him. That’s exactly what you do too. Upstairs in a little twin bed.
You don’t cry. You cannot. You are too busy touching yourself thinking about Jackie touching you. You wish you had stayed at his house but you knew Joel would have come looking for you eventually. Better to not get caught with your pants down with another man. If you had stayed you would have kept kissing Jackie. You know it in your heart. Your pussy knows it too, it was leaking when you got upstairs.
The only reason you don’t cry when you’re done coming…twice is because you know you get to see Jackie tomorrow at the market and that makes you excited in a different way. If gives you butterflies in your belly.
Chapter 6: God Knows
Summary:
Nothing makes sense anymore, dude. Like nothing at all.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Joel is gone and already at work when you wake up in the morning which is unusual, he usually eats breakfast with Ellie in silence but he’s gone. Fine with you. Ellie is still getting ready for school in her room when you come out of the bedroom across the hall. She pokes her head from around the door and gives you suspicious eyes.
“Joel was snoring so bad last night. Had a couple of drinks at Uncle Tommy’s house after the hunt.” You hate lying to Ellie. It makes your heart heavy. She seems to believe this so you go downstairs slowly. Your leg is fucking aching. You make Ellie eggs and toast. You leave off Ava’s shit jam. You actually throw it right in the trash. Fuck Ava. Smiling all nice in your face the other day and then touching Joel’s arm? Fuck. Ava.
“Are you mad at him?” Ellie asks with eggs in her mouth. You shrug.
“I’m not exactly happy you know about all of this.” You sigh and drink your instant coffee. “I don’t know what I feel, Squeak.” You look at her pretty face and smile at her and think about how much you love her. You’d never leave Ellie. Never.
“Are you going to sleep upstairs again tonight?” It’s like she had time in between seeing you upstairs and coming down here to think about things and not accept Joel snoring as a good enough excuse.
“I don’t know.” You don’t lie to her again because you don’t know. You don’t really want to, but you meant what you said to Joel about never sleeping in that bed downstairs ever again. Never. “Do you want me to walk to you school?” You flick your eyebrows up at her and she nods excitedly. You change your clothes and brush your hair.
“Do you like school?” You ask as you and Ellie walk hand in hand. “Like really like it? The classes and stuff. I know you like hanging out with your friends. Do you think you learn a lot?” You’re curious about her little life outside of your house.
“It’s okay. It’s boring most of the time but I like having somewhere to go. Something to do. I do learn a lot. I felt like I learned more on the road with Joel.” She looks down to the gound, “Where was he this morning? He usually walks most of the way with me.” Ellie looks up at you with a hint of sadness in her big brown eyes but mostly she sounds curious.
“Had to work early. I’m not sure where though.” You passed the bowling alley and they weren’t there on the roof like they had been yesterday. You drop her off at school and all the other parents are waving goodbye. You kiss Ellie’s forehead. “Good choices. Love you. I might be home when you get out. Might not. Dunno yet. Snack and homework. Stay home!” You call to her as she runs to meet her friends.
Joel and Tommy are at the greenhouse, expanding. You chuckle to yourself when you see them out back behind the market but head inside. Jackie is standing behind the counter, already smiling before you come in.
“Morning.” Jackie keeps smiling as you come around the counter to stand beside him.
“Mornin’. I’m ready to work. Tell me what to do, boss.” You look up at him with the least amount of lust you can. You try and make your eyes look dead but it doesn’t work because Jackie keeps smiling down at you. He has a clipboard in his hand.
“Everything gets distributed by person. If someone lives in a house alone, they don’t get as much as a family of four. But everyone gets some of everything.” Jackie runs through the list of all the families and households and how much everyone gets by weight. “We have a scale here. You weigh it out. Toss it in a bag, throw it in the fridge. We distribute it as it they come in. It used to be self serve but people kept taking the wrong bags.” Jackie looks down at you as he hands you the clipboard. “You can hold on to that. Come on, I’ll show you how and when we harvest.”
Joel’s eyes are on you as soon as you step outside. Both of you. Tommy has to tell him multiple times to stop looking at you and get back to work. Tommy just think’s that his brother’s got a hard on for his ol’lady but Joel’s thinking about driving a hammer into Jackie’s skull. You can feel it in the way his eyes are burning holes into the back of your head.
“We harvest as the fruits and veggies come in. Families put down their preference of stuff we’re short on, so we aren’t giving blackberries to a family who would prefer blueberries in a shortage of blackberries. We could be giving those to families whose kids only eat blackberries and won’t touch blueberries. You gotta pay attention— look it says right here..” Jackie stands close to you, so close you can feel the heat radiating off of him. He points to a couple families who have different color asterisk next to their name. Their preferences are color coordinated down at the bottom.
“I can see why you and Connie need the help.” It’s a lot. Way more than you expected. Not just gardening.
Jackie heads back inside and this is when Joel finally comes over and stands in front of you as you read the clipboard. You can see him but you don’t look up. He clears his throat and finally, you shoot him a glance.
“Hey.” It sounds foreign coming out of your mouth the way you talk to him. “How are you?” You try and sound annoyed but you know if you look up he's going to look so handsome.
“Knock it off. You still mad?” Joel doesn’t sound patient, but his voice is soft. Softer than last night.
“Yeah. I am. Are you going to be a dick about it?” You look up at him now and drop the clipboard between you to your side. “You fucked up, what are you mad at me for? Holding you accountable for it?” You narrow your eyes onto his. “I’m still on the fence about you. I don’t know what I want but you’re doing a good job of pushing me over to the other side.” You whisper it to him so that Tommy can’t hear. Or at least hear you yelling at him.
“What’s waiting for you on the other side, Bird?” Joel’s eyes are softer now. “I’ve been keeping you safe. I always will. You don’t know that guy, You think you do but twenty years went by. I did fuck up by not telling you about Ava, yes. I’ll admit that, but Birdie. I didn’t say any of those things about you in the woods. I swear.” Joel’s eyes never leave yours and they never waver. Something ticks inside of you, like he might be telling you the truth.
“Why would he say that then?” You whisper even quieter now. Joel answers almost before you can finish your sentence. In his own strain whisper he leans into your ear,
“Because you’re a beautiful Bird. I’m not the only one who thinks so.” Joel kisses the side of your head quickly before you can pull away. “I mean it, baby. I would never say that shit about you. I like to say that shit to you. Not about you. I’d never talk about you like that. Ever.” Joel does sound like he’s being genuine. Hurt that you would even believe those things.
“Despite however I feel about that, I still am upset about the whole Ava thing. Real mad and I don’t know how I’m going to get over that. I really don’t. I need some time to think. Really think.” Joel looks worried as you speak, the worry growing more and more.
“Okay. You know where I am when you’re ready. I love you.” Joel leans in and kisses you gently on the lips. You let him. He smells like home.
You didn’t really listen to Joel last night, you were too upset but now. He has a point. You don’t really know Jackie. At all. You think you do, because he feels like home. But that home is just a memory and not the right now. Joel is your home. Has been since before you got back to Jackson.
The rest of the day goes by alright. Nothing to crazy. All you can think about is what Joel said and now you’re desperate to talk with him. You feel like an ass for believing Jackie right off the jump. He kissed you right after! He was obviously thinking about it! Jackie has reason to lie to! And now you really miss your cabin in the woods. This wasn’t something you’ve ever dealt with as an adult. Not a grown woman! This was childsplay! Schoolyard bullshit. Fuck.
Ellie is home when you get back from work. You give her a big hug, the biggest hug you’ve ever given her and don’t let go until she is pulling away from you with protesting sounds.
“Mooooooooom, stop. What is wrong? Jeez, almost popped my fuckin’ head off.” She smirks while she grumbles and you sit down across from her at the table. “Did you see Joel today?” She asks softly, like she’s nervous he ran away and left you two. You nod. Ellie’s eyes light up.
“He’ll be home soon.” You scan her face with your eyes. She’s too grown. Has gone through too much for almost fifteen. You did too for your age, though. It still isn’t fair. “Did you have a good day?” Ellie runs through every minute of her day from when you left her at the school until you walked through the door. You smile through the whole thing.
“Did you have a good first day at work?” She asks, returning to the homework she has in front of her.
“Yeah. It was good. There’s a lot more to getting food from the market than I thought.” You sigh softly and lean back in your chair. “I need to ask you something and I really don’t want to. But I know you’ll tell me the truth if you know it.” Ellie’s eyes shoot up to yours from the table. “Did Joel ask Miss. Ava to come with you to Salt Lake?” Ellie thinks, you can see it in her eyes; how hard she's really thinking, but she shakes her head quickly from side to side and sets her pencil down on the table gently.
“She was sad he was leaving. I remember hearing her crying. Asking if she could come and Joel said no.” Ellie looks at you with very serious eyes. “He said to her real loud– I could hear him from upstairs– that it was just a fling. They both knew it was going to end.”
Oh. Joel asked you to come though. Joel protected the shit out of you too minus the stabbing and getting shot. It’s fine. You wanted to go. Joel kept you alive. Fed you. Snuggled you up in the woods.
Fuck. Nothing makes sense anymore and might never again. How could two things feel so right at the same time and also so very, very wrong. Kissing Jackie last night did feel good. You don't feel so good about it now. Not at all, actually.
The front door opens and it’s Joel. He walks in silently, gives Ellie and long kiss on the top of the head and goes to the bedroom. You do exactly what he did and follow him.
“Thought you were mad at me.” Joel says from the bathroom as he gets undressed. It’s fucking hard to stay mad at him when he has no shirt on. Jesus Christ. The man is perfect in every way.
“I am. For not being honest with me.” You murmur, it's true you are still mad. You have new questions for Joel. “Why’d you ask me to come to Salt Lake?” You drop your eyes to the floor because you feel dumb and don’t know why you’re asking dumb questions. This feels like a dumb question because he told you. He said to you one night shortly after you departed that he was going to “fuck you every night until ya’ll got to where you were going, because he’d be cranking his hard cock thinking of that pussy everynight” but that was bedroom talk. You think. “Really, why'd you ask me?” You ask after a minute of silence
“Bird, look’it me.” Joel says softly. He’s in just his jeans, leaning against the sink. “You’re fun. You make me laugh. We stayed together that last night and havin’ you pressed up against me in your bed– I stayed up all night wonderin’ how I was gonna leave you behind. Watch you get snatched up by someone else?”
“While you were fucking someone else already?” You like Joel’s answer but you are still extremely pissed that he wasn’t completely honest with you. Joel says against the sink, which you’re thankful for because if he came over here, you’d lose all your trains of thought. Lose ‘em or they’d all start crashin’ into each other. Whatever.
“I was fuckin’ Ava. Yeah. We weren’t dating. I didn’t like her. She just kept comin’ over. Showin’ up with jam and bread, bein’ real nice. Hard to say no to. Specially when you only wanted to see me every—”
“I never set that rule up? That was all–” Joel drops his chin into his chest and looks at you through his lashes. “Did I set that rule up?” It was so long ago you can’t really remember.
“Yeah, I was gettin’ ready to leave after that first time and you said as I was walkin’ away, wanna meet back here every four days when the sun goes down?” Joel pulls his chin up and looks at you with his big, perfect brown eyes. “Like I said before, I assumed you had a husband, someone you didn’t want me t’know about so I never pressed it.”
Fuck, it’s coming back to you now. You were so desperate to see him again when he left and he never told you how to find him, you never told him how to find you either so you just called it out over your shoulder. You do remember now. Fuck. You could have been the one here with Joel and not Ava. Fuck.
“I felt like an asshole once I realized you had been alone out there in the woods the whole time.” Joel runs his hands through his hair. It’s getting a little shaggy. You like it. His facial hair is coming in a little thicker. He did follow you home the night you told him you didn’t in fact stay with the colony and were in the woods alone.
“Okay. I am sorry for bein–” You start but Joel does take a step towards you and cuts you off.
“Don’t be. You got nothin’ to be sorry for. I was an asshole. I was, really. I told you I am not good at this boyfriend thing but I do not want you to walk away from me.” Joel sounds like he means it. But you do have something to be sorry for because you did kiss Jacob Harris while you and Joel were still together.
“Why did he know I was wet after the greenhouse?” Joel’s eyes fill with panic and he’s back leaning against the counter with his hands over his face, pulling his cheeks down slowly.
“I might’a talked to him.” Joel admits without looking at you. “I did ask him what happened at that greenhouse, what made you so excited– you were fuckin’ drenched when I saw you yesterday afternoon– you know what he told me?” Joel looks at you now with very serious eyes. You don’t say anything but you continue to stare at him. “He told me that you two kissed.”
“What!? I didn’t kiss him until after the hunt–” You bite your lips between your teeth and close your eyes and sigh.
“You did kiss him?” You can’t see Joel’s eyes but you can hear it in his voice that he’s…a mixture of emotions. “You kissed him? Last night?”
“It was after I had found out about you and Ava! I was mad! I though–” Joel is in front of you, leaning down so he can be level with you.
“Did he kiss you or did you kiss him?” The way Joel is asking makes you nervous.
“Joel. Does that matt—”
“Yep. Did he kiss you? Lied to you about what I said in the woods, made me look bad, made you not trust me and then he kissed you?” Joel’s voice is gravel. “Told you not to be so gullible, Bird.” Joel leans in kisses you softly and goes back to the shower to finish undressing.
What? Is Joel not going to kill you and Jackie and bury your bodies in the woods or was he going to shower first? Then kill you guys. Nothing made sense anymore. Joel finishes undressing and gets into the shower, closes the curtain and then looks out at you.
“Come talk to me. I can’t really look at you right now, but we’re not done talkin’.” Joel growls and snaps the curtain shut quickly. This makes you sick. That he can’t look at you. “You wanna know what happened out in those woods? I’ll tell you what really happened.”
The Woods
“We need to talk.” Joel’s voice is quiet behind Jackie, it startles him slightly but he nods Joel up to his side. Their steps are slow and quiet. They fall into rhythm with each other mindlessly to make less noise.
“What’s up, man? Everything okay?” Jackie asks steadily. Joel had known Jackie since before he had left for Salt Lake. Jackie and a couple guys had done a scouting mission for supplies to Oregon, left a couple weeks before Joel himself left the colony with Ellie and you. Jackie knew that Joel had a woman up in the medical center, Joel talked about you on patrol sometimes. It’s funny to Joel now because Jackie had known you all along.
“That’s up to you.” Joel doesn’t look at Jackie when he talks, just keeps his eyes scanning the woods in front of him. “You still got eyes for Bird or did I make that up yesterday in the church basement? The way you were lookin’ at her?” Joel still doesn’t look up, but his voice is steady and low. Jackie doesn’t really know what to say. “She was soaked after seein’ you at the greenhouse. You get her all warmed up for me?” Joel partially teased. “I don’t want no trouble. I’m wantin’ to start a family with her. We’ve been trying. Tried before worship the other morning.” Joel gives Jackie a knowing look.
“Alright.” Jackie says, dropping his eyes to the ground in front of him. “We kissed in the greenhouse the earlier. I must’a gott’er all warmed up for you. I’ll keep my distance though, knowin’ she’s your old lady. Keep your eye on her though. She’s a sneaky one. Always has been.” Then Jackie walks away.
Joel tells you almost the same exact story except for what was said.
“Why didn’t you tell me this last night?” You asked, you had just worked with Jackie all day and honestly, felt like he was pretty nice. Didn’t seem to devious or at least you didn’t think he did.
“You were angry. I was angry. If I had kept talkin’ I would’a said somethin’ terrible– like I always do– so I just kept my mouth shut and let you go to bed.” Joel says from behind the shower curtain.
Fuck. This is almost as bad as Ava’s jam.
“Why does nothing make sense anymore?” You ask Joel running your own hands through your hair now. You could pull it out honestly. It’d probably feel better than the mental turmoil you’re in. You have to make a decision on who to trust and you have to make it soon. You’re going to lose something if you don’t. You can feel it. You think it’ll be that little girl sitting at that kitchen table doing her homework. She calls you mom. Joel lets her call you mom.
“You’re confused and upset. So am I. I still love you though.” Joel says from behind the shower curtain. “Very much. I’m not forgetting about that even though I am fuckin’ pissed.” Joel does sound a lil mad. He’s also been in the shower longer than you’ve ever seen him be in the shower.
“I’m sorry.” You whisper. You do feel bad. Not trusting Joel seems so stupid now. He’s home. Wherever Joel is. “I am. Real sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. Don’t ever do it again. I mean it. I was an ass but I’m workin’ on it. Don’t give me a reason to be an ass again.” Joel shuts the water off and opens the curtain, you have to try so hard to keep your eyes on his face because this is a serious matter.
“I won’t. I don’t even really wanna go back and work–”
“Yes you will. We don’t back down. You’ll go work there and you’ll keep your legs closed, like a good girl. You’ll be apart of this community just like I am.” Joel gets out of the shower and wraps his towel around his waist. He stands in front of you, bending to be at your level again. “I’ll take care of Jacob Harris.”
Notes:
this is my first time every trying to write mystery/love/drama/angst/parental figures all in one. love you all and your comments so much! Keep 'em coming. I adore em.
I've literally never written anything like this before, so I hope you are all enjoying it
God knows- knocked loose
Chapter 7: Make a Plan to Love Me
Summary:
That twin bed upstairs suck, man.
Notes:
I know, another two chapter a day update. I was bored today.
I love you all so much. You're all perfect.make a plan to love me- bright eyes
(if you still listen to bright eyes drop a heart)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
You didn’t think he’d come up here. He was quiet at dinner and mostly kept the conversation held with Ellie. You guys played a quiet game of Sorry!, then Joel said he had a headache and was going to bed. You braided Ellie’s hair after her shower and laid in her bed with her for a while. Then you went to bed. You only woke up again when you heard your door opening.
“Things have been feelin’ different between us.” Joel whispers crawling over you to press himself into the wall as tightly as he can. The room is dimly lit by the moon and stars. His eyes look so worried. You’re pressed into him, stomach to stomach. Your hands are squished between the two of you.
“They are different. Ellie says we look at each other different.” You explain to him hushed so she can’t hear if she is awake, listening. Observing. She’s apparently really good at that.
“How’s she know?” Joel gives you a pinched brow look. You chuckle softly and let your hand rest on his side instead of being smooshed between the two of you.
“You’d be surprised at what that girl knows, Joel.” His eyes look across your face as you speak, he watches your mouth move, looks into your eyes.
“She the one who told you about Ava?” He whispers and rolls his eyes.
“Don’t be mad at her. She’s all fuckin’ confused. She’s going through it right now. I asked. I pushed her after she voiced her concerns to me. I shouldn’t have done that. I feel bad but I was desperate for answers.” You whisper back to him honestly. Joel’s brows depinch and his eyes soften. His arm wraps around your waist gently, he pulls you closer to him than you thought possible.
“M’sorry. I really am. I should have told you about Ava, I really should have. I just didn’t see the point in getting you all worked up over someone I didn’t even care about.” Joel sighs and rests his forehead against yours. “I really fell in love with you out there on the road. I really did. I mean it. I don’t ever want to hurt you. I made a lot of really stupid decisions this last week. Real stupid. From fucking you high and lying to you about it, to not telling you about Ava. I fucked up. I don’t blame you for not trusting me.” He sounded sad. A little broken. You still don’t trust him. Not fully. You feel like you might never trust anyone but Ellie ever again.
“I don’t want to walk away from this. You’re giving me everything I ever wanted.” Which was true. You got the house and the fence and the kid. You just need a dog and a cat and things will be perfect. “I’m scared. So fucking scared because I don’t know what to believe.” Your eyes start to water. “I’ve never not trusted what was said to me. My dad never gave me a reason to not trust him. I was alone most of my life with just him.” You do start crying now because you realize how naive you really are. “This is the first time I’m in love with someone I don’t trust and that scares me. Might be the first time I’ve ever really been in love and as soon as it happens I don’t trust you anymore.” You see the tears start to pool in Joel’s eyes now too. “Love doesn’t just go away when trust disappears.”
“I hate myself for that.” Joel sighs softly. “I swear nothin’ happened between me and her after we got back. If I wasn’t up at the medical center with you, working on the house, or with Ellie trying to get her situated– I was asleep. Maybe with Tommy. She’d bring jam over and ask for her jars back, Bird.” Joel is pleading. In his tone and his eyes. “If I was ever over there it was just to give them back.”
“But everyone in town knows you guys used to be a thing?” You ask quietly. Joel pinches his brows again and pulls his forehead away from yours.
“Nobody should know about that.” Joel shakes his head softly and you can see the gears turning in his head. “She might’a told some people but I didn’t fuckin’ talk about her. We weren’t a thing. We fucked. That’s it.” Even though you appreciate his honesty, the words make you want to throw up. We fucked. An admission. It makes your stomach do several flips.
“It’s what Jacob said. Said I should have known because the whole town–” You start but Joel groans softly.
“Jacob knows I used to fuck Ava because I told him. Fuck! I used to talk about it on patrols and hunts back before he left for Oregon. It was just guy talk– we all did it. Fuck.” Joel grimaces, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“What would you tell them?” You ask nervously. You don’t really want to know, but it would answer some unasked questions you have.
“Shit, probably the worst of it. None of us talked nice. We all talked like guys. You know how I talk to you in the bedroom? Probably like that? I dunno, why?” Joel looks at you confused, hoping you don’t push for more examples.
“Just the way he talked.” You say softly. You repeat the whole story that Jacob told you on his porch last night.
“Jesus . He said that I said that?” Joel sounds ashamed. “I got a bad mouth but I’d never call you a baby factory. I just wanted him to know how serious we were. I wanted him to leave you alone.”
“I hear the truth in your voice. I do. I want to believe you so badly. You’re such a good Dad. It’s so hot. You have taken very good care of me in the short time that I’ve known you. You kept me alive when you could have left me for dead in that hospital. You could have just left me when I asked you to and just gotten Ellie out of there.” You sob softly and Joel holds you close, his fingertips pressing into your skin as you speak. “You kept me alive. Ran through the woods for me. You’re so fucking hot. Fuck, you’re so hot .” You wipe the tears from your eyes and Joel chuckles softly.
“I love you. More than you’ll ever know. I never thought I’d want another kid. Not of my own. I’ve met a lot of women over the years. None of ‘em made me want a family like you do. None of ’em. I know we’re not doin’ that anymore. But I do want one. Badly. With you.” Joel presses against your forehead with gentleness. “Bird, do you want me to stay here or you want me to go down stairs?” He whispers, giving the tip of your nose a kiss.
“Stay. Don’t go.” You whisper against his chin gently. He nods and relaxes his body the best he can. You try but you’re hanging on for dear life. He’s almost pushing you off the bed but you don’t care. Something about the way he spoke to you is comforting. Comforting enough to close your eyes and try to go back to sleep. You know you have to see Jacob tomorrow and that makes you nervous. You thought you could trust him but he makes up lies? Makes them up out of thin air? At least Joel was trying to protect your peace.
You think. You hope.
Joel wakes you up softly the next morning with gentle kisses on the side of your face. They’re so soft. Softer than you ever thought Joel could be with you.
“Gotta wake up. We gotta work. Walk the girl to school as a family .” He whispers against your cheek. “Let’s go. I’ll piggy back you down the stairs.” He smirks as he crawls over you. You climb onto his back and run into Ellie in the little hallway at the top of the stairs. She beams when she sees you two come out of the room together.
“Hurry up and get ready. I’ll make us breakfast sandwiches.” You call to her as Joel carries you downstairs.
“I’m workin’ on a new bed. I promise. Might be a couple more days, but I’ll get us one.” Joel explains as he pulls on his dirty work jeans. “We won’t have to look at that thing soon.” He nods towards the bed you two are standing next to. You’re upset because it was a comfortable bed. But you’ll keep your word about it. Never sleeping it in again.
“You don’t want to just keep sleeping upstairs? In the twin?” You smirk, pulling a long-sleeve shirt over your head. Joel glares at you softly, it makes you chuckle as you pull on your own jeans.
“My back is fuckin’ screamin’ at me, Bird. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do another night on that thing. Fuck.” Joel stretches, the flannel he’s about to put on is in his hand as he arches his back dramatically. “I’ll sleep on the floor or something.” Joel smiles at you. “I don’t like not sleeping next to you.”
“I’ll sleep on the floor with you.” You smile back at him and take a step into his open arms. “I’m glad we talked.”
“Me too. I really dunno what I would have done if you didn’t want me to stay last night. I was s’desperate to be close to you.” He’s whispering in your ear. You know it. He almost cried last night.
You make breakfast for everyone. You all eat together as a family. Ellie is sweet and talkative this morning.
“ Dad , do you think once the bowling alley is done, we could all go and you could teach me?” Ellie asks with her big brown eyes locked on to Joel’s. Your eyes flash to his face but he has no reaction.
“Sure thing, Bug. It’s gonna be a while. Mom wants me and Uncle Tommy to work on expanding the greenhouse first. More veggies for you to eat.” Joel flicks his eyebrows up at her and she smirks. Joel sips his coffee and takes another bite of the egg sandwich. You’re blinking. What is going on? Why is he not jumping up and down for joy?
You and Ellie walk hand in hand again to school and Joel follows directly behind you guys. Ava is outside getting all the kids through the door when you drop her off.
“Hey. Good choices, like always.” You kiss Ellie’s forehead. “I love you so much. I’ll see you after school. We can do something fun. I don’t know what but we’ll find something.” You kiss her forehead again. You step back and let Joel give her a pep talk. It’s short and sweet.
“Don’t get into trouble. Love you.” A kiss on the top of her head and he’s pushing her by one shoulder into the school yard. Joel wraps his arm around your shoulder and kisses the top of your head softly. Ava catches your eye and you wave to her and smile warmly as Joel holds his lips to the top of your head. You can feel him breathing you in. She smiles softly, waves and averts her gaze.
Yeah Ava, go deepest with that, why don’t you?
She turns her back to the two of you like it pains her to see him touching you. Good. You hope it kills her. Joel laces his fingers with yours as you walk to the market together. Your stomach is in knots. You do not want to see Jacob. Not now. Not again, ever. Honestly, you’re glad it happened. It makes you have a little clarity.
Not really. It confused the shit out of you. Fuck. You don’t like that Joel lied. You don’t like it one bit but he seems to be doing everything he can to keep you around. It’s not like you’re the last woman on earth! Joel could easily find someone else if he wanted to. But he doesn’t want to. Nope. He could have ran right back to Ava when you went on your walk. The way Joel makes it seem Ava would have done anything to get him back in her house. You’re gonna punch Ava. You’ve decided. You’re gonna hit her. Just like you punched Marlene. Punched her right in the fucking mouth and knocked one of her teeth out.
You wonder what tooth Ava likes the most. You’re knocking that one out first.
Jacob is inside with Connie when you and Joel walk past the big window out front. Joel pulls you to the side of the building, out of their view and kisses you softly. His hands cup and hold your face so gently. Joel presses his lips to yours for so long. He really does smell like home. He smells like your home. Your forever home.
“I love you, Birdie. So much.” He whispers softly against your lips. “Please don’t forget that. How much I love you, What I would do for you. What I wouldn’t do to keep you safe and close to me.” Joel sounds like he could cry. He’s got you pressed against the brick building so tightly.
“Did you two not do enough of that this morning? Joel, get off the girl before you put another hole in her leg with that thing.” Tommy says as he rounds the corner. Joel doesn’t move. He stays pressed against you, eyes locked onto yours.
“I love you.” He kisses you again gently and finally pulls himself away from you. “I’ll walk home with you today if you wait for me.” Joel calls out as he starts to follow Tommy around back towards the greenhouse.
Jacob says not one single thing to you the entire day. You and Connie chat a lot. She talks so damn fast. It makes you dizzy how she bounces from one subject to the other. Jacob must be done for the day. You don’t see him after he walks outside with his jacket on.
“He’s been such an ass all day. He was fine this morning when we got here.” Connie says absentmindedly. Hm. Interesting. “So, how did you meet Joel?” Connie asks, resting her elbows on the counter.
“I was out hunting one day and we just bumped into each other. Literally. We just hit it off after that.” Connie smiles at you while you speak.
“It’s nice he found someone. He always seemed so lonely last time he was here. I only ever saw him with Tommy. I know Ava used to have a big thing for him. She was real broke up when he left.” She’s speaking so fast and you wish she would just slow down a little bit. Just a teeny bit.
“Ava?” You cock your head to the side like you might be hearing this for the first time. Just a little lie, Connie doesn’t need to know that you already know about it. She nods and gives you a sympathetic smile but it doesn’t last long. She has her hand on your arm and is squeezing gently.
“Not like you have anything to worry about, God no. Joel is obsessed with you. Like…obsessed. I’ve never heard a man talk about a woman so much in my life. And it’s always so nice. I felt like I knew and liked you before you even woke up.” She smiles and keeps her hand on your arm, squeezing.
“How did you know that Ava had a thing then?” You give her a pinched, squinting look and she laughs and slaps your arm gently.
“Cause she’d follow him around everywhere. Always offerin’ him that nasty fuckin’ jam she makes—”
“I hate her jam too. So much.” You smile and start laughing. Connie does too.
“It’s not even sweet. It tastes like shit.” Connie sticks her tongue out and gags. It makes you laugh harder.
“So…Joel didn’t… like Ava or anything?” You ask as nonchalantly as you can. Connie shakes her head no and looks at you with distaste.
“God no. We’d have big get togethers and she’d follow him around and try to stand next to him but he’d try all night to stay away from her.” Connie laughs while she’s talking like she’s remembering how stupid Ava must have looked. “She seemed real desperate. Must’a turned him off. She’s real pretty but…she was desperate. Now look’it you. Went an’ snatched him right up.” Connie smirks and looks at you through her lashes. “Lucky duck– nothing funny or anything, I ain’t like that— Joel is cute though. You must feel real lucky, specially with such slim pickin’s.” Connie sounds sad. You feel sad for her now too.
“I appreciate you telling me that. About Ava and Joel.” You smile at her and place your hand on top of hers. “I really do.” Connie smiles real wide and squeezes your arm again.
“Oh of course! I don’t got many friends in the colony. Not many women our age. Couple. I’d be nice to have someone to talk to besides Jacob.” She sighs loudly and looks out the window. “Someone’s waitin’ for you.” She points over your shoulder. It’s Joel. You look at the clock on the wall and you should have left a half hour ago. You ended up waiting for Joel without even meaning to. You were going to, regardless but you made a friend in the process.
“We’re closed on Wednesdays so you don’t have to come in tomorrow unless you wanna do some gardening.” Connie says as she pulls her hand from your arm. “Come garden whenever! We don’t mind it at all.”
“Thanks, I might come with Joel and work on the flower beds.” You say, walking backwards towards the door. She clasps her hands together tightly.
“That would be amazing!” She cheers as you walk out to meet Joel.
“Gorgeous girl.” Joel wraps one arm around your waist. “Have a good day?” He looks down at you while you walk together.
“I did. Did you?” You look back up at him and smile because his big brown eyes are the best. You love them. Even if you’re still a little hesitant.
“I woke up next to my lady. Walked– Did you hear what she called me this morning? I almost fuckin’ forgot ‘cause I was so fuckin’ on edge about seeing that prick this morning. She called me Dad . Did you hear it?” Joel is gushing like you’ve never seen. He never gushes like this. “Called me Dad . Holy shit. Damn. It felt good. I liked it.” Joel is beaming. You’ve never seen him so happy. “You don’t mind that I cal–”
“She called me Mom the other day after worship.” You whisper as he stops you in the middle of the sidewalk, wrapping his arms under yours, you place your hands on his chest. He gives you a confused look. It’s been two days since worship and she’s called him Joel plenty since then. “She was nervous to call you Dad. Thought it might upset you, ‘cause of Sarah.” You kiss him softly on the lips but he doesn’t kiss you back. He’s lost in thought.
“You talked to her about this?” Joel asks finally after a minute. You nod and he releases you, taking your hand again. “You told her to call me Dad?” He’s confused. You shake your head no and chuckle. “I asked why she didn’t. Asked for my advice– did she not talk to you first?” You ask Joel looking up at him. He shakes his head no. “Didn’t take my advice. But yeah, she wanted to. Just didn’t wanna bum you out.”
“Bum me out? I love her so much. I love that she calls me that. Holy shit. I’ve been buzzin’ about it all day, Bird. All day.” He squeezes your hand gently. “That and getting to sleep next to you tonight.”
This is what you want. With Joel and Ellie. All of this feels so right and so good. It almost pushes all the distrust right out of your brain but then you walk past Ava’s house.
“I hope she chokes on her shitty bread.” You say out loud. Joel laughs loudly and pulls you into his chest
“Christ. We gotta real bad Bird here. Jesus .” He continues to laugh and holds your head against his chest as you walk up the driveway to your own house. “That’s terrible , Bird.” He’s still chuckling. “You need a spankin’ f’that.” He whispers into your ear as you open the door. Ellie is at the table doing her homework. She smiles bigger than she did this morning when you come in the door all over each other. Joel’s kissing the side of your face, his hands on your hips.
“Hi, Squeak. Did you have a good day?” You and Joel both walk to Ellie at the same time. Joel stands on one side of her, you stand on the other. Without having talked about it first, you and Joel give her a kiss on the side of the head and hug her tight. You press your forehead into her temple gently. “Love you, kid.” You whisper into her ear. Joel whispers something in her other ear but you don’t hear what he says.
It’s later. After dinner and you and Ellie are in her bed. She’s looking at you but you’re on your back, looking at the ceiling. When she talks, she whispers.
“You’re not going to leave?” She sounds like she could start crying. You turn your head to look at her and shake your head no silently. “You’re not mad at him?” You keep shaing your head no. “You’re not mad at me?” She does start crying now and she curls her knees up into her stomach.
“Squeak, no. I’m not mad at you at all. Neither one of us is.” You whisper, wrapping her up in your arms. “You did the right thing telling me. Not lying. Joel and I needed to have a talk. You were right, things have felt weird. Different.” She opens her eyes to look up at you, but she’s still weeping softly. “We needed to talk. And you helped us do that– you shouldn’t have had to. Not one single bit.” You press your cheek to her forehead. “It’s really fucked up that you got dragged into this.” It is, it’s super fucked up that you asked her anything about Joel. At all. You know it. But you were desperate. So desperate for some kind of truth. It made Joel give it to you. It’s still fucked up.
“I thought you were going to leave us.” Ellie sobs softly.
“Ellie, look’it me.” You pull your head away from hers and hold her chin in your hand. “There is not a single thing in this world that could keep me away from you. Not one single thing.” You whisper it to you, staring into her eyes so she knows you’re serious. “I would wage war on anything that tried to keep me from you, do you understand that? I will never leave. Ever.” You’re doing everything in your power to make her understand how much you actually mean that.
“Promise?” Ellie still has tears in her eyes but she has stopped weeping. You nod.
“Keeping you safe and happy is my biggest priority. Will be until the day I die, Squeak.” You whisper softly.
You hold Ellie like that until she falls asleep and then you sneak out of her room. She isn’t going to want you to do that forever so you’ll do it for as long as she’ll allow it. Joel is in the room across the hall on the floor. Every single blanket in the house is underneath him.
“She asleep? Sounded like she was cryin’ in there. She okay?” Joel asks as you crawl into the blankets next to him. It feels like when you were on the road.
“Yeah. She was just a little stressed. Thought I was going to leave.” You run your hands through your hair as you sit cross legged next to him. “Do you wanna smoke, like a tiny little bit?” You can barely get the words out before Joel is up off the floor and running downstairs. He’s so fucking cute. When he returns he shuts the door and opens the window next to the bed. He pats the seat beside him.
“You made her feel better?” Joel asks about Ellie once the joint is lit and passed between the two of you once. You nod and watch him smoke. “Good. I like that you make her feel safe. Make me feel safe knowin’ she has you.” Joel passes you the joint again.
“I love her.” You look at Joel as you smoke. “I didn’t think I’d ever love a kid that didn’t come out of me so much before.” You mean what you say because you didn’t think this kind of love for someone was possible if you didn’t actually birth them.
“I know what you mean.” Joel has something to compare his love for Ellie to. You don’t.
Not yet at least.
Notes:
^gimmie a break. we stan Joel in this houselonglivejoel
longlivepedro
Chapter 8: Buried Myself Alive
Summary:
You and Joel do something unusual.
You get to talk to Ava, too.
Notes:
I don't think any TW
Love your comments so much you all are perfect and amazing
buried myself alive-- the used
( that wasn't even supposed to be the title I just accidentally had this song on repeat the entire time I edited this chapter)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“I fucking love you.” Joel is on his hands and knees and you’re kneeling beside him, with an old electrical cord in your hand.
“You sure do. Have you been a bad boy?” You ask mockingly, taking a fistful of his hair in your hand. He nods. “Say it. Use your words.” You spank him softly with the tips of your fingers. He jumps at your touch.
“I have been real bad.” Joel sniggers as you caress his bare ass with the curve of the electrical cord. You have the cut end and the plug in your hand and it leaves a perfect teardrop shaped whip in your hand. “So bad.” Joel is loving this.
“And you should be punished for what you did, yeah?” You drag the cord up his naked asscheek now and you see goosebumps rise on his flesh. It’s not even cold in here! Joel!
Freaky-freak.
“Oh yeah. I need a real good whippin’.” Joel sounds too excited for this. You dislike it now. He should be nervous. You bring the cord back and bring it down quickly onto his bare ass. He lets out a sound between a groan and a giggle softly. It wasn’t hard enough to hurt that bad, but he definitely felt it. Knows what’s coming. You grip his hair tighter, pushing his head forward.
“Is something funny?” You bring the whip down harder on his bare flesh. This pulls a sound out of him, that’s for sure. Sounds like a small whimpered hum. “Hmmm? Still funny?” You whisper softly, leaning down to kiss the side of his face gently. Joel just hums softly, dropping his head but you pull him back up by the hair. “Use your words, baby.”
“Nothin’s funny.” Joel’s so throaty when he says it, it makes you ache between your legs.
“Call me Ma’am.” You caress him with the electrical cord again and he shivers.
“Nothin’s funny, Ma’am.” He growls up to you softly. He likes this.
“Ask me for another.” Your grip in his hair tighter, you throttle him softly, pushing his head forward and then pulling it back towards you gently. “Beg me for it.” Joel sighs softly and you can feel him chuckle, even though you don’t hear him. It makes you smirk too because you’ve definitely never done this before. Never ever this. You’re basically just copying everything Joel has ever said to you. “I said fucking beg me, are you fucking deaf? Stupid? Which is it?” You bring the whip down hard on his ass again. Joel pulls his hips away from you, but you pull his head back and lead him to where you want him. “Deaf or stupid?” You ask softly, tapping his now slightly red behind with the cord softly. Over and over again.
“Stupid, Ma’am.” Joel snickers out. You can’t help but let out a little giggle either. It’s fun. “And I would love another. You can do it harder, Ma’am. I can take it.” Joel sounds eager so you give him what he wants, but you tease him first and drag the loop of the cord up the back of his thighs. This makes Joel sigh softly in anticipation.
“Say thank you when I’m done.” That one was all you. Joel’s never told you to say thank you. You raise the cord over your head and hold it there. You can see Joel tense for it. His muscles contracting under the pale skin of his bare ass. You smirk and have to bite your lips between your teeth to keep from laughing. It’s too cute. You wait until he’s not tense anymore, he tries to look back at you but you push his head forward at the same time as you bring the loop down on his unsuspecting flesh. You had been spanking him across his whole ass. Now you focus it on the cheek closest to you. It’s the hardest you’ve hit him tonight. Joel doesn’t even flinch.
“Thank you Ma’am.” Joel hisses through clenched teeth. Then he’s up. You don’t even realize what’s happening until his hands are on your waist. “You like spankin’ me? I think you liked it too much.” He’s tickling you. Really tickling you.
“Joel. No. Stop. Joel, I– St– Jo–” It’s too much. He’s moving his hands too fast for you to grab on to them and try to push them away. Not like it would do anything, he’s so strong. You’re not weak. Not at all. But Joel could overpower you so quickly if he really wanted to. It doesn’t scare you the way it would have when you had just gotten home from the hospital.
“What? Ya can handle a couple whips across the ass but can’t handle a couple tickles? Are you a wuss or somethin’?” Joel teases you as he lifts you easily, his hands around your waist and quite literally body slams you on the tiny twin bed. You bounce gently and he’s between your legs, looking down at you. His hands on your knees as he knees in front of you.
“What? You gonna keep tickling me?” You stick your tongue out at him but he just shakes his head no softly and you watch as his eyes scan your face. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” You ask, you can feel yourself sinking into the mattress insecurely. His smile is gone, his eyes are so intense.
“Just thinkin’ about how lucky I got. So many times.” Joel leans down, presses his lips to the spot right below your right eye. He continues to speak, but it’s whispered against your cheeks and the bridge of your nose between kisses. “Lucky I met you. Lucky you said yes to comin’ with me. Lucky you kept wantin’ to sleep with me on the road. Lucky you survived. Lucky Ellie loves you. Lucky you’re still here. I don’t know what I did.” Joel kisses the same spot but under your left eye. His beard tickles your cheek softly when he does it. “I can be a mean bastard. Lucky you still want to be with me. You put up with me. Patient with me.” Joel’s back to memorizing your features.
Joel had done that already– memorized your face– sometimes when you slept while you were on the road but mostly when you didn’t even know he was looking at you. He does it all the time. Loves to look at you. Loves to see the way your face lights up when you smile, talking to Ellie. Loves when you furrow your brows when you get upset. The small, soft lines around your face when you frown. Joel loves every inch of you.
“I love you.” You whisper up to him.
“I love you, too.” Joel kisses the corner of each of your eyes. “I’m sorry for making you cry. I hate that I was ever the cause of your tears. Stress. I can’t stop thinkin’ about it. ‘Bout what you said,” Joel whispers, he lays down beside you. He’s talking so much. You have so much you want to say but you want to see where this is going to go, unprompted. “Loving me but not trusting me. That bothers me . I want you to be able to trust me.” Joel kisses your lips now, quickly but gentle. “I told you that I am not good at this. So I might need your help, tellin’ me what I can do. Keep talkin’ to me. That helps me. I can’t figure you out if you don’t tell me what’s goin’ on in your head, Bird.”
“You better never, ever fucking lie to me ever again.” You stare at him, gaze unwavering. “And you should think real hard right now if there was anything else you forgot to tell me or kept from me to keep me from being upset. If it happened, it happened. I get the choice on how I react to the truth. You don’t get to decide if or what I should know. I tell you everything, you tell me everything.” You nod at him. He sighs and nods.
“If we’re bein’ honest…Ava had… some feelings for me. She wanted to be a thing. I didn’t. She wanted to come to Salt Lake. I said no. The next time I was with you I asked you to come. I had been thinkin’ about it since you told me you weren’t with the colony.” Joel rubs his hand across your stomach and circles your belly button with his index finger. “Ava and I haven’t talked ‘bout nothin’ besides you, Ellie, school and jam. I promise. We didn’t even talk about what happened before I left. It’s old news. She knows your my–”
“Don’t be so gullible .” You roll your eyes at him. “You’re either gullible or lying to me again. She knows I’m your old lady. It’s not old though. Not to her. You left her broken-hearted and show up two months later with an ol’lady? She’s pissed. ” Joel waves his hand at you like you are crazy. “Hey– a woman doesn’t touch a man she doesn’t want to sleep with. She had her hand alllll over your arm at worship. I left so quickly because I was gonna bite each one of her fingers off and then spit them back at her, the way you showed me.” You point at him. He laughs, a real belly laugh, and shakes his head at you.
“Bird!” Joel sounds like he can’t believe you’d say something like that.
“Don’t Bird me. You said you’d kill someone for touching me. It goes both ways.” You’re serious. More serious than you thought you’d be if and when you ever said that to him. But you’re so serious. It scares you a little.
“Oh?” Joel looks at you with raised eyebrows and tilts his head to the side. “Big Bad Bird gonna do whatever it takes to protect her family?” Joel sounds slightly teasing in his tone. You don’t like this because you’ve already given almost all your blood you had inside you…to protect this family before they were even really your family. You press your index finger against his chin and tilt his head so he’s looking right at you.
“This is the first time in my life I have something to protect that isn’t a crotchety old man on the verge of dying. You or my dad. I love that girl with everything that is inside of me. You hurt me–” You pause because you didn’t really think this through. You just started talking. “I’d take her—” Joel tries to protest but you cover your hand over his mouth and press into him. “I mean it. I’d take her. She doesn’t need to be raised by a man who doesn’t respect women or treat them right.” Joel’s eyes scan your face as you’re speaking. “If you hurt me again… I’ll kill you.” You’re staring at him. “And if Ava’s the one you hurt me with… I’ll kill her too.” Joel doesn’t react. He doesn’t say anything. He stares at you for a moment taking in your very serious words, then he nods. Silently. “Good boy.” You remove your hand and kiss his lips softly. “I love you.”
Now Joel is the one who looks scared! Good! He should be scared because holy shit, you’re scared too! Where the fuck did that come from!? One minute you were spanking your boyfriend, the next minute you’re threatening him with the loss of his life and his past lover… so. That went exponentially well. If we’re being honest. You know. Spanking. Lil murder talk for some flavor. Now Joel should be rock hard, ready to go.
“I love you too.” Joel whispers, his eyes still scanning your face. “You’re so fucking hot.” Joel chuckles after a minute. “I don’t ever wanna hurt you, Bird. Ever.” He’s smiling and wrapping his arms around you. “Let’s go to bed. We got work to do in the morning. Walking our daughter to school. I like that.” He nuzzles into your neck and kisses under your jaw. You tilt your head up to give him easier access to your skin. His lips and facial hair feel so good. So good.
You know what happens next.
The next morning, you fly through your morning routine. You’re going to the greenhouse today to garden. Mostly to watch Joel work. You don’t ever get to watch him in action. You’re actually more excited to see him do what he’s best at than to do anything in those flower beds.
Ellie’s waiting at the front door for you with her hand outstretched. You place your hand in hers, Joel takes his place behind you and you make your way to drop Ellie off. She swings your arm back and forth with hers as you walk. It makes you smile. You look at the braids she let you put in her hair this morning after her shower.
“Miss. Ava needs to talk to you guys. They’re doing parent teacher conferences.” Ellie explains as you round the corner to the school.
“I got work, Bug.” Joel says from behind you two. Ellie turns around, shakes her head no and gives him annoyed eyes like he should know that they aren’t going to conference this morning.
“She just needs to tell you when they are. All the kids' parents go in on different days.” She rolls her eyes like she’s fed up with him. It's seven am. She’s been around him for maybe a half hour. You love Ellie so much.
“Yea, c’mon, Joel. Get with the picture. Jesus .” You snap back at him, rolling your eyes like Ellie. He gives your ass a soft smack.
“Gross.” Ellie. “I liked it better when you two just finger fucke–”
“Ellie! It’s not called that. That’s not what wanting to hold hands means.” You put your free hand over her mouth. “It’s just wanting to hold hands.” You and Joel are inconsolable with laughter.
“Then what does finger fucking mean?” Ellie asks, it’s muffled because your hand is still over her mouth and she’s twisting her head trying to get free.
“Don’t worry about it. Just don’t call it that anymore, Nerd.” Joel sighs, wiping the laughing tears from his eyes. You guys enter the schoolyard and Miss. Fucking Ava comes running over in her cute cardigan and her long skirt. You hope she trips on it.
“Joel… Birdie.” She smiles at the both of you. You smile back just as nice. It’s dripping off the corners of your mouth. The niceness. “We’re doing parent teacher conferences this month. Do you guys think you could come in toni–” You don’t even let her finish the sentence.
“Yes! I’ll be here tonight.” You smile even harder now because Joel does patrol on Wednesday’s so he will be sleeping after he gets home from work to prepare for his overnight patrol shift. He will not be able to come.
“I gotta patr–” Joel tries to interject but you snap your head up to look at him.
“You are so busy. All the time, like monday and wednesday and then you work.” You put one hand on his chest and look back at Ava. “I’ll be back here tonight.” You keep smiling at her, eyes slightly squinted. “I’m so excited.” Ava seems a little… disappointed. “Can’t wait.” You have to keep talking because she’s just the worst and you’d tell her if there weren’t thirteen teenagers and a handful of little kids all around. You would. Tell her right with your fist.
“I’ll see you guys around. Have a good rest of your day.” Miss. Ava smiles. You catch her looking at Joel a little too long. Her eyes linger on his arm around your shoulder. You snake your arm around his waist and stare at her, smiling. She nods at the both of you.
“Thanks, Ava. We’ll see you around.” Joel smiles politely.
“So…you’re going to do this thing by yourself?” Joel asks, putting his hand in the back pocket of your jeans as you turn to walk away from the school. You hope Ava is still watching.
“Yep. Sure am. I am fully capable of relaying everything she tells me to you.” You avoid his eyes because he’ll know what you’re up to, if he doesn’t already.
“A'all you’re gonna talk about, right? Ellie and school? “Cause that’s what you’re going there for. Don’t forget that. Issues you have with her shouldn’t be gettin' brought up. You wanna talk to her about anything that happened between us, I won’t stop you. But you won’t do it at Ellie’s school.” Joel sounds serious. He’s being a good Dad.
Sonofabitch.
He’s right. If you’re gonna lay Ava the fuck out it can’t be at Ellie’s school. It also doesn’t make sense to do it after the fact. You will wait to punch Ava until she does something stupid. It doesn’t seem like it will take her long.
“I know. I’m just trying to be an active parent. A good Mom. You know. Things good moms do.” You’re rambling and maybe lying a little.. Trying to stay talking about nothing until you get to the greenhouse so that you can further avoid him and his curious eyes. You did just tell him last night you would kill him. And Ava. So, he is probably a little concerned. But it’s not going to come to that! No! Because you trust Joel. You don’t think anything has happened since you got back from the hospital. You can feel it in your bones, you think. That or you’re willing it to be true; you don’t want to kill Joel. Not at all.
You would kill Ava though.
Not for fucking Joel before. No. That was Joel. All him. But you came back. You were laid up in that hospital bed for almost six weeks. Joel was running all around town telling everyone how excited he was to bring you home. Connie is proof of that. Ava still came around with her ass jam and her bricks of bread. Still touched on your Joel . Right in front of you.
Jacob Harris might have been your only boyfriend over twenty years ago. But you fought Ashley Benson in the hallway one day when you found out she invited him to her house after a football game once. Ashley Benson had to have her nose job redone when you were finished with her. You’ll fight Ava for the man you want to be your husband one day. You sure will. It might not be at Ellie’s school, but it’ll happen if Ava ever sniffs around Joel funny ever again.
The market is locked up but the greenhouse has an entrance from the back, Joel follows you inside after saying good morning to Tommy.
“I really don’t mind if you have something you wanna say to Ava. I’m sayin’ something to Jacob next time I see him. Don’t do it at school.” Joel warns with a pointed index finger. “I mean it.” Joel presses his lips to yours. You kiss him back gently. “I love you. Come talk to me when you get bored.”
Then he walks away with his perfect ass that you got to spank last night for the first time and you know he’s still got a nice teardrop shaped welt on his left buttcheek from it. Sonofabitch. You love him. You wonder what he’s got to say to Jacob– Jackie. It feels gross calling him Jackie now. It’s not Jackie he’s Jacob. You don’t know him like you thought you did, so now he’s Jacob Harris the stranger.
You do a little work around the greenhouse. Tidy. Clean up the garden beds and weed them as much as you can. Water what looks like it needs it. Nothing needs to be harvested, just pruned. You enjoy this. It was something you did with your grandma before the outbreak. She had a huge flower garden in her backyard. You’d spend most of your summers with her in Chesapeake Bay. You miss her more than anyone else.
“What’re you daydreamin’ about, Birdie?” Joel’s voice pulls you away from the sandy beach and salty misty memories and back into the greenhouse.
“A beach.” You sigh and look up at Joel. He towers over you. “With you and Ellie.” You smile up at him and wipe your hands on your jeans.
“Oooh. A beach vacation?” Joel extends a hand to help you up.
“If it wouldn’t take us three months to get there- put our lives and limbs at risk, and then also three months to get back, I’d say let's leave right now.” You do let out a small groan when you get up. Your leg hurts. Still. You’ve only been out of the hospital now for almost three weeks? You don’t remember. That first week was so damn blurry because of the weed. Leg hurts. Doctor says it’ll probably hurt for a couple months while the muscle tries to fully heal. Keeping active and working it out will help. You’re trying to do those things, but you ache. It hurts.
“You going back to the school? Ellie should be home already.” Joel kisses your forehead as you stand.
“Did the whole day go by? I was going to go home and change first. Shit.” You had gotten all wrapped up in your memories of ice cream on the beach with your grandma. Shit. Now you have to go back to the school looking like you gardened all day. While Miss. Ava sits in her cute sweater and skirt. So fancy. Fuck off, Ava.
“You’re fine. Stink a lil.” Joel shrugs his shoulders and you give him a whack on the chest softly. “I’m kiddin’. Go. I have to go home and fuckin’ nap. I gotta sleep in the big bed. The floor, the twin. Fuckin’ killin’ me, Bird.” Joel does have his hand on his lower back like he is in pain.
“Sleep in your disgusting shame, dirty talkin’ sex bed then. I don’t care. I’m not sleepin’ in it though.” You cross your arms over your chest and turn your nose up to him. Joel chuckles at you.
“Hey.” Joel tries to get your attention but you don’t look at him. “Psst. Bird.” Joel does it again and you look at him out of the corner of your eye. “She wasn’t as fun as—”
“I don’t want to hear it!” You whack his chest now with the back of your hand. “Ugh. Stop! I gotta go look at the woman.” You roll your eyes. Joel’s laughing like he’s so funny.
“She wasn’t!”
“I’ll punch you in the dick so fucking hard all thoughts of a family are off the table.” You growl. It’s a little funny but he’s getting to much enjoyment from the redness forming behind your cheeks. Joel covers his groin with one hand and takes a step back.
“I mean it. Why do you think I asked–” He’s still laughing, still thinking this is hilarious. You grab a pile of dead flowers and leaves next to you and toss it at him. They go everywhere and land in his hair, on his shoulders.
“I’m biting it. Next time you try and go deepest or whatever you did–”
“Deepthroat? Face fuck? What do you mean when you say going deepest? I’ve never heard that.” Joel has tears in his eyes.
Deepthroating! That makes so much more sense. Okay. Did Joel come up with that? Incredible.
“Is that what you did that one time? Fucked my face deepthroat style? You ask seriously. This almost puts Joel’s almost six foot frame on the ground. He’s leaning against one of the raised garden beds. The tears are rolling down his cheeks. He’s trying to talk but words won’t come out of him. You don’t know why it’s so funny. You don’t find it as funny as Joel does.
“I’m goin’ t’pass out.” Joel wheezes. You tap your foot in annoyance and cross your arms over your chest. You are trying not to smile because his laugh and smile is infectious. “D-Deepthroat s-style.” He’s coughing now. Apparently, laughing so hard it made him choke. You’re not going to help him. You don’t even offer a comforting pat on the back.
“Are you almost done? I have to go talk to your old girlfriend.” You ask dully. This does end the laughter. The coughing continues but Joel tries to talk through it.
“Not— my girlfr— friend.” Joel is coughing , coughing. Good. You hope he coughs so hard he throws up. Like you almost did getting deepthroated.
“That makes it…not better. Not even a little. So. I’m gonna go. Love you so much. Don’t choke to death.” You say taking backwards steps towards the door that leads outside. “Have a goodnight on patrol tonight. Try not to get locked up in that one jail cell we got for murdering Jacob Harris.” You joke. Joel’s head snaps up to you and the coughing stops suddenly. What just happened.
“Don’t say stuff like that, Bird.” Joel shakes his head no softly. “Don’t ever say that again, you understand me? Not as a joke or nothin’. Understood?” Joel clears his throat as he takes two large steps towards you and is pinning you against a wooden table in the greenhouse “I mean it. Don’t. Don’t put the idea in people’s heads. Don’t.” Joel whispers it to you gently.
“Are you goin–” Joel puts a very soft, very carefully placed hand over your mouth.
“Don’t ask questions. Don’t talk about this ever again. You understand me?” Joel is so serious. You nod silently. “You thought I was full of empty threats? I mean what I say, Bird. Do you?” Joel removes his hand and kisses you softly on the lips. You never take your eyes off of him.
Um. Holy fucking shit. Not only are you terrified– there's basically a waterpark in your panties. Something is wrong with you. You need to be evaluated by professionals because that would make a normal person run away in the middle of the night to never be seen or heard from again. Right? Like his ex-wife? But you’re drenched. It’s soaking the front of your panties right now and if Joel didn’t need a nap and you didn’t have to go talk to the desperate jam wench he used to fuck, you’d let him bend you over right here.
“I love you. Come lay down with me when you get home if Ellie is being anti-social.” Joel kisses your lips softly and then he leaves again. With his cute butt and his sexy…worrisome words. What does that mean? Do you? Does Joel have something to be worried about? Do you have to kill him? Are you going to find out terrible, horrible, gut wrenching news at this parent teacher conference?
There has to be a word for what you’re going through right now You’re sure that if the outbreak never happened you would know what the word was. But you don’t. There’s a lot of words you don’t know. It makes you feel dumb sometimes but you’re not stupid. You might be. You are sleeping with someone who maybe just admitted to murder in the first degree. A murder that had been planned. The way he spoke made it seem like he had been thinking about this.
The school is empty and Ava is waiting at the entrance for you. She waves and smiles. You mirror her.
“Hi! You were in the greenhouse today, I can tell!” She looks down at your dirty pants and you wonder if that’s enough reason to punch her but you don’t think it is.
“Oh yeah. Making sure all the produce and flowers are taken care of. I love to garden so I ended up spending all day there with Joel while he and Tommy expanded the greenhouse for the market.” You very casually pepper in the fact that you were with Joel all day.
“That’s awesome. I heard Connie talking about it at the bar the other night.” Ava explains as she leads you into the school. “It’s awesome that Joel and Tommy are doing that. Putting the bowling alley in hold and everything.” She looks down at you since she is taller than you, and smirks, “Must’a worked your magic to get that done quicker, huh?”
You wanna tell her you slobbered all over Joel’s monster dick to get him to come do that for you but you didn't. You just asked nicely and then fought about the woman next to you. So you don’t say that.
“Oh yeah. Batted the eyelashes, turned on the puppy dog eyes. The man cannot resist.” That was even better. Ava says nothing as she turns into the classroom she teaches out of.
“Let’s talk about Ellie.” She smiles as she sits behind her desk. There isn’t even a chair for you. You have to sit at a students desk like one of her pupils. You do it, even though you don’t like it. You wonder if other parents had to sit at desks. You look around the room and there are actual chairs to sit in. For adults. With no desk attached to them.
“You lead the way.” You smile nicely, waiting for her to say something about Ellie. “She turns all her homework in and everything?” You ask, waiting for her to say something while she flips through papers on her desk. Ava’s head flicks up at you.
“Oh yeah. Ellie is one of my best students. Her homework is always done. She asks questions, participates without having to be asked. She is a gem.” Ava explains as she pulls a piece of paper from the rest of the stack. “I’m just a little concerned about her.” Ava hands you the piece of paper. “I’m honestly glad it’s just you. Joel might not understand.”
The paper in front of you is a poem.
Weight on chest, salty waters in eye.
Drowning. Sleeping. Sick feeling inside.
His voice. Your voice. Tangled in one.
Flesh ripping. Soul searing.
Hurting ones I love.
You have to read it three times. Ellie’s name is written up at the top.
“We did a poetry lesson last week and this is what she turned in. She got an A. It’s beautiful. Made me cry. But, she’s almost fifteen and I know you and Joel haven’t been with her for long. I just wonder what she went through before–”
“She dealt with some stuff on our way to Salt Lake. I’ve talked to her about it. I’ll keep talking to her, make sure it’s not eating her up too bad.” You read the poem again. “Can I keep this? I’d like to keep it, if that’s okay.” Ava nods and you fold it twice and put it in your pocket. “How else is she? Good in class? Doesn’t get into trouble?”
“Well… I do have to talk to her and Dina everyday. No matter how far I sit them apart from each other, they find a way to talk and chit chat. Pass notes.” Ava gives you a knowing look. “It’s innocent but can be distracting. They both have good grades in my class but it causes the other kids to struggle sometimes.”
“I’ll be talking to her about that.” You nod your head and rest your elbows on the desk. “Dina a good kid? Anything I should be worried about?” You ask curiously because you don’t know Dina at all. Haven’t met her parents or caretakers at all.
“Oh no. Dina is a pleasure. Polite and very smart. She’s a very good kid. Someone you’d want Ellie to be friends with.” Ava is gushing about Dina. Which is nice but Dina might become more than Ellie’s friend…and now you’re sick. Oh shit. This never occurred to you before. At least Ellie is only fifteen— NO! No!! You remember what YOU were doing at fifteen and now you might actually be sick. Shit.
“That’s amazing to hear. We love Dina in our house.” You say nervously because now you wonder what Ellie and Dina do when they hang out. Oh my God. Having a kid isn’t fun. Not at all. Stressed out. You’re so stressed out and wanting to throw up but you’re holding it back.
“Yeah, she’s great.”
You meet with Ellie’s one other teacher. A much older woman who goes by Ms. Babs. She’s great. She said Ellie is her favorite and then only wanted to talk about Joel.
“He’s so handsome. So nice too. Always so willing to help.” She’s walking you out of the school. You think if anyone besides Ms. Babs spoke of Joel in this fashion you’d be jealous but she’s very clearly in her eighties and you’re pretty sure that’s not Joel’s thing. So you don’t have anything to be worried about. “So handsome. His jeans fit just right. Wears them well.” She sounds like she might be from Jersey. The city maybe. She makes you laugh. “I’m at the bar almost every night if you ever want to come join me and Ava and Connie and the rest of us broads sometime. You seem like a nice girl. Joel’s lucky to have you. You’re all he talks about. You and Ellie.”
“He sure is a good man. I’m lucky to have him.” She touches your back softly as you reach the entryway. “It was really nice to meet you. I’ll come by the bar sometime this week for drinks.” You smile. Ms. Babs seems like she could be a lot of fun, even in her eighties. You wonder how she lasted this fucking long but she seems to be in great shape.
“Get home safe. Tell Ellie to practice her multiples! She struggles with that!” She calls to you as you limp out of the school yard.
This wasn’t too bad. Ava is actually not a complete cunt. She seems to be a good teacher and likes Ellie. That’s nice. Anyone who is nice to Ellie is okay in your book. For the mos–
“Hey, Birdie. Mind if we walk home together?” It’s fucking Ava.
“No. We are neighbors after all.” You wonder where all these nice words come from. They must be from your love for the teenage girl who lives in your house and eats all your bread.
“Sure are. Nice having them two– and now you—back on the block.” Ava matches her pace to your slow limping one. It’s quiet because you don’t know what to say. You’ve lost the nice in you and now you wanna tell her to never look at Joel again. “Hey, I don’t know if Joel told you or not…” She trails off, like she’s thinking about really telling you. Your heart stops in your chest.
“What?” You lie. She’s willing to tell you everything right now? Let’s hear it, bitch.
“Me and Joel used to like… be a little thing, before he left for Salt Lake. I just don’t want you to hear it from someone else if Joel hadn’t already told you.” She sounds like she’s being genuine but you don’t know what to believe anymore. Ellie is the only person you’ll believe ever again. You act surprised though. You want more information than that and you wanna see how much she’s willing to give.
“Oh really?” You try to sound as surprised as you can. Ava frowns and nods
“Yeah. I’m sorry. I was hopin’ he told you. We haven’t talked about it at all. You know, he asked me to come with him to Salt Lake and I said no–”
“What?” You smirk now, and try and hold back a chuckle. This is false information. Your sweet daughter told you the truth.
“Did he not tell you that either? Yeah, he tried to get me to come with him, but I couldn’t. I had the kids and the school and everything.” She explains. You both have stopped walking now
“Oh. Yeah, no he didn’t tell me that.” Your voice is quivering because you have anger and giggles and punches bubbling inside of you.
“Yeah. He was real upset when I said no–”
“So, lemme ask you something now. Did you know about me before Salt Lake?” You cock your head to the side slightly. Ava pinches her brows together and she shakes her head like she’s confused.
“No. Didn’t he meet you on the way there or something?” She asks curiously. You shake your head and smile at her with satisfaction because you’re about to drop two bombs on her right now and she has no idea.
“No. We didn’t. We met maybe six months ago, shortly after he arrived in the colony. I lived in the woods, just outside the wall.” You smile and lean against the iron fence behind you that borders the school. “Joel’d trek his happy ass through the woods every four days to fuck me. Rain? Thunder and lightning? Worst snow you’ve ever seen? Joel was there. Never missed an appointment. You ever wonder where he was running off to every four days?” You can't hold it back now, you are laughing at her. She's staring at you with a dumb, slack-jawed look like she doesn't believe a word you're saying.
“No way. He wasn’t—” She tries to talk but you're tired of hearing her voice.
“Oh yes he was. Walking through the woods to see me. And then after your request to go with him was denied, he slept in my bed. Fucked and licked me all night long. And then asked me to come with him to Salt Lake. Picked me up on horseback the next day.” You nod at her slowly.
“No. You’re fucking lying. He was not fucking us at the sa– What?" She didn't know about you. Which is completely fine. You know she didn't. She does realize that you know something she didn't think you knew "I didn’t ask to go—” She starts but you cut her off.
“So our sweet girl Ellie lies? She heard it all. Heard you crying. Begging to come. Joel had to tell you no. It was just a fling. It was destined to end.” You shake your head at her slowly from side to side.
“Ellie misheard.” Ava scoffs and crosses her arms over her chest.
“Joel told me everything. I know. ” You take a step towards Ava but she stands her ground which is fine.
“Told me the only reason he was ever over at your place was to return your jam jars–cause you asked him to.” You scan her face and her eyes flick to the side and then back to you. “Exactly. He wasn’t asking for more of your shitty fucking ass jam. He was being nice to you. He feels bad for you. Feels bad that all you have in your life is jam and bread. So he did what you asked and returned your jars. Did you say that to piss me off or did you actually believe he wanted to be at your house? That something might happen if-. ” She starts to protest but you hold four flat fingers to the middle of her chest and press hard. “I’ll put you on the ground so fucking fast if you don’t shut your cocksuckin’ mouth.”
Ava does shut her cocksuckin’ mouth and now she takes a step back from you. You follow her and keep your hand on her chest. She tries to bat you away but you grab her wrist with your other hand.
“I swear, Ava, you try to come between me and Joel. You do anything funny to Ellie and her grades because of this– I will fucking end you . Do you understand me? I will. I’ll bury you so far out in the woods an so deep in the fucking ground no one would ever find you.” You giver a sad smile and sad eyes for what you're about to say next. “And since it’s just you in that big ole house, Ava, who would come lookin’ for you?”
Ava’s eyes never leave yours.
“I was just trying to warn–” Ava starts but you take the four fingers on her chest and slap her cheek softly. She gasps dramatically and gawks down at you.
“Don’t make me slap you, bitch. I will. That was a love tap. Shut the fuck up. Keep you lyin’ jam makin’ ass in your own fuckin’ house and don’t you ever even look at my God damned driveway. Walk the other way. Don’t ever walk past my house or mess with my family ever again. Got it?” Ava nods. “Good. I’ll see you at the bar sometime. We’ll talk about Ellie. The greenhouse. We can talk about your pretty fuckin’ skirts but if I ever hear you say Joel’s name ever again…you know what happens.” You tap her cheek very gently with your hand again. Ava flinches. It’s dark out now and Joel is already probably at the wall. “Go home. I have to go see my boyfriend.”
Joel is up on the wall. You can see him up there before he sees you. You climb the stairs slowly and make your way to where he is posted up. When you get close he notices it’s you and smiles.
“You were gone longer than I thought. You have trouble up at the school?” Joel drops his chin to his chest and gives you a knowing look.
“Nope.” Joel smirks and relaxes a little. “Did all the trouble on the sidewalk out front.” Joel’s jaw drops. “Yup. It’s like she was waiting for me.”
You run through your whole conversation with Ava. Joel’s mouth just gets more open as you speak. You tell him how she said he tried to ask her to come to Salt Lake. He scoffs and waves you away like you’re crazy.
“Get the fuck’ outta here. I never asked her. Never.” Joel’s brows are furrowed. He keeps checking over his shoulder because he technically is still working and supposed to be patrolling.
“I know. I believe you. I think she was just trying to stir shit up between us. If she had done it any sooner, it might have worked.” You explain. You notice a lack of Jacob Harris and wonder if Joel killed him already. It doesn’t get brought up.
“I’m sorry you gotta deal with all this. I didn’t think it’d be an issue when we got back. I thought she’d have forgotten all ‘bout me. Moved on. I hoped she had.” Joel sighs and kisses your forehead softly. “Glad you came to see me though. Made my whole night. Gonna miss you. Crawl into those blankets with you when I get home.” Joel kisses you on the lips now, softly. “My sweet lil girl.” Whispered into your parted lips so no one else can hear. “Touch that lil pussy for me tonight before you go to sleep. I love you.” More whispered sexy demands that you’ll obey for him.
“I love you.” You whisper back to him. Joel leads you to the stairs and gives your ass a smack.
“See you in a couple hours, baby.” He calls as you head down and make your way back home.
“Hey, Squeak. Sorry I’m late and missed dinner. Conference and then I went and saw Dad.” You limp into her room. She’s already in bed.
“It’s okay. He told me you might be back later than normal.” She pats her bed but you wave your hands over your dirty clothes. “Sit on the chair then. Talk to me like we have the last couple nights. I like when we do that.” You pull a chair over to the side of her bed and look down at her as she snuggles up in bed.
“How are you doing?” You ask softly. She looks confused. “We haven’t really talked much about what happened on the road. Didn’t get a lot of time to.” Ellie’s eyes avert from yours. It makes you sad.
“I don’t really like talking about it.” She whispers from behind her blanket covered fists. You nod in understanding.
“I know. I don’t either.” You think back to that day. The first time you almost lost Ellie to that fucker David . The day the two brothers almost killed you. “I was in the house with Joel when two guys showed up. I left my gun down with Joel and they disarmed me real quick without it.” You nod down at her, she’s looking back up at you now. “Said they were gonna do terrible things to me. Said they were gonna do terrible things to you to make me scared.” You feel tears pool in your eyes.
“What did they say?” She asks softly.
“Just not nice things. They wanted me to be scared– that’s all that matters. I was. I was so fuckin’ scared Ellie. More scared than I ever was in the hospital.” You say honestly. No one in the hospital was threatening to rape you. “I know there aren’t a lot of people you think you can talk to but I probably know better than anyone what you went through. I’m always here if you need to talk about what happened when you were captured.” You lean down and kiss her forehead softly. “I won’t make you, but whatever heavy feeling you have in your heart will go away if you stop holding it in. I mean it. Holding it in is just going to make it feel heavier.”
“Why are you talking about this?” Ellie asks like she’s annoyed. You pull the poem from your pocket and read it to her aloud. She sighs softly. “It’s just a poem.” She is annoyed.
“Okay, Squeak. I’m just letting you know that I’m here. I understand.” You give her another kiss and stand up. “I have to shower and eat something. I love you.”
“Love you too.” She rolls over before you can take a step away from the bed.
Damn. Teenage girls are the worst.
Notes:
Just some more Joel love. I feel like this was one of 3 smiles we got from the man the whole show.
Chapter 9: The Marvelous Slut
Summary:
You make two good friends.
Joel takes you to the bar for the first time.
Notes:
no TW in this one p sure
Sorry for the lack of SMUT I've been so focused on the PLOT.
It'll be back soon :3
the Marvelous slut - every time I die
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Did you touch it?” Joel whispers in your ear as he places himself behind you on the floor upstairs. He’s grinding himself against your backside softly. You did not.
“No. I was sleepy.” You murmur with your eyes still closed. “Did you have a good night?” You yawn softly with your eyes still closed. In your clear, non stoned mind you wouldn’t mind if Joel fucked you back to sleep. “Do it." You murmur, almost back asleep but Joel doesn’t trust you anymore either! He’s scarred. No one had ever accused him of rape! Or sexual assault or whatever you had accused him of. He’d never give you another reason to think he’d take advantage of you, so he stops his hips, snuggles down beside you in the blankets and kisses the nape of your neck softly.
“In a couple of hours. Go to sleep, baby girl. I love you.” He whispers softly as he wraps his arms around your waist.
When you wake up, Joel is the one still asleep. You get to take him in. Quietly and in the very soft early morning sunlight. You’d give him a nice wake up call but the only reason he’s still asleep is because the poor man was on patrol until three am. Then has to get up at six thirty to take Ellie to school and go to work. The clock plugged into the wall up here says six twenty. You’ll give him his extra ten minutes to sleep. He deserves it. At least, you hope he does. You hope he never makes you look stupid or gives you a reason to have to kidnap Ellie in the night and go rogue outside these walls. If he did you’d take her to Chesapeake Bay and show her what it’s like on the beach.
“You stare at me in my sleep a lot?” Joel murmurs softly, one eye open now looking at you. You’re resting on your elbow, staring at him.
“I don’t do it enough, honestly.” You whisper. “The only time you aren’t annoying me.” You smirk. He does too. He's so cute in his sleepiness. He's always handsome but he's so soft when he's sleepy and in bed snuggled up. Not scowling like he normally is. He looks so peaceful when he is asleep or just waking up. You lean in and give him a sleepy, soft kiss. He hums happily against your mouth with his eyes still closed.
“Sorry I didn’t wake up early enough to give it to you real good.” Joel sighs softly and rests his hands behind his head.
“Oh, I think I can find it in my heart somewhere to forgive you.” You tease and lean down, kissing his chest softly. “Forgiving you is too easy. I hate it. I wish I was still mad at you.” You say honestly because he got off too easy. Way too easy.
“Shit, I’m glad you’re not. I almost hammered my thumb off– twice !” He exclaims holding his thumb up to you. It is all bruised and the nail has blood behind it. “Almost smashed it flat ‘cause I was too worried you were gonna pack up and move into an empty house without me.” He whispers softly. This makes you smile because, good, he should have been worried.
“You really never cared about Ava?” You whisper softly after a moment. Joel snaps his head to you, eyes fully open now.
“No. I mean it.” He’s furrowing his brows and lifting his head to look at you clearly. “I know you don’t wanna hear it but I just laid there for her.” Joel admits. It makes you think you’re going to throw up. Sickly feelings inside of you. “When I say you’re more fun I mean it. You let me do the things I like.” Joel sits up and rests on his elbow too. “You like those things, right? Me dominating you, calling you names– I know you don’t like it all the time– but you enjoyed it every four days in the woods? You told me you kept coming back for a reason.” Joel’s seriously asking you. You do like it. You really do. You do like how rough he is, and how degrading he can be. It makes your stomach flutter. You’ve had both now; gentle and rough…and you prefer him to toss you around. Slap you a little, spit in your mouth. You do like that. Not just for Joel, for yourself. Not all the time!! No. But you do like it the most.
“Yeah. I do. I like the mix now, but I do like it rough. Yeah.” You admit to him and watch as he smiles with relief and grabs your hand.
“ Yes . You like what I like. She did not. At all. So I laid there for her. I didn’t put in the effort like I do for you.” He whispers softly. “I didn’t fuckin’ walk a couple miles through the woods every four nights for her. Only time I slept with her was when I had a couple too many drinks and actually let her inside. Usually too drunk t'do anything but lay there, honestly.” Joel lays back down and rubs his eyes gently. “Most of the time I just told her t'go home.” He peeks at you with one eye. “I know you probably don’t believe that.” He says snarkily. It makes you chuckle because he is sassy.
“Ellie heard her ask to come to Salt Lake.” You admit to him. “She said she heard what you said about just a fling. Knowing it was going to end.” You lean in and kiss him. “I believe you. I don’t know if that’s dumb of me, or naive, but I do. I can feel that you care about me.” Joel sighs softly. “I don’t know if I fully trust you yet. But we’re getting there. Please don’t let me find out you lied about anything else. At all. I’ll give you ‘till the end of the day to think about it for good measure. But you better tell me.” You narrow your eyes on his. “I don’t lie to you, Joel Miller. I never will.”
“I know.” Joel whispers. “I know. You’re a good Bird. You are. I trust everything you’ve ever told me. I’m ashamed you can’t say the same thing.”
“You should be. Earning my trust back is going to take time, I trust you one second and then the next I don’t. I don’t even trust my own feelings for you sometimes. But I don’t wanna give up on you. Not for Ava to run over here with her condolences shit-jam. No. You’re mine. Act like mine. Act like a husband . Prove to me that it’s what you really want.” Joel is nodding the entire time you speak like you are preaching to the choir.
“Of course. Whatever I can do.”
Morning routine. Walk Ellie to school hand in hand. Smooch her on the head before she leaves.
“Squeak. Good choices. I love you.” You murmur against her forehead.
“I love you too, Mom.” She smiles up at you and gives you a hug. Joel says his goodbyes to her and you wave as she runs into school.
Miss. Ava does not wave to the two of you. Not this morning. Joel stands behind you, pressing his lips to the top of your head, his arms wrapped around your neck lazily. You see her looking. So does Joel. You do wave but she ignores you. It makes you smirk from behind Joel’s forearm.
“She ignored your wave?” Joel whispers into your hair. You nod silently. He chuckles and pulls you backwards out of the schoolyard.
“She’s a smart lady.” You smirk as he grabs your hand. “Very smart.”
“Not as smart as you. Or as pretty.” Joel whispers into your ear.
“Shaddup.” You round the corner towards the market and the greenhouse. Jacob and Connie are outside unlocking. Connie waves to you enthusiastically. “Gonna take more than just sayin’ nice things about me to make me trust you again, buddy.” You whisper playfully. You mean it, yeah, but you also still love him. Don’t ever want anything to happen or come between the two of you.
“Mornin’!” Connie cheers as the two of you get within earshot. “Joel n’ Birdie. My favorite colony couple.” She smirks at you. “I miss the tabloid magazines so ya’ll are the colonies hottest new couple in my mind.” She’s so serious. It makes you chuckle. You don’t think Joel get’s the joke because he doesn’t laugh or say anything and when you look up to check on him he is glaring at the back of Jacob’s head.
“Missed you last night on patrol, Jackie . Heard you came down with somethin’. Glad you’re feelin’ better.” Joel has the most bellicose tone you’ve ever heard. Jacob opens the door and lets Connie inside. Jacob looks at you and nods his head for you to go in. You follow Connie but Joel puts his hand on your chest. “You don’t tell my ol’lady what do do, lil boy .” Joel snarls at him. At that moment, Tommy comes around the back of the building and see’s Joel’s face– still glaring, it’s unchanging– and his hand on your chest. Then Tommy looks at Jacob who is smirking and chuckling like Joel just told him a joke.
“Yikes.” Tommy’s face tells you that this is probably not great. You should go inside. You follow Connie in as Tommy pulls Joel around the back of the building by his jacket. Joel never once took his eyes off Jacob. Not once. You realize that’s the first time Joel has seen Jacob since he found out about the kiss. He did really well, now that you’re thinking about it. Joel easily could have put Jacob through this window you’re looking out right now but he held his composure…for the most part?
Jacob doesn’t even come inside. He just leaves.
“Uh oh.” Connie snickers under her breath. You look over at her and raise your eyebrow. “Jacob is a troublemaker.” She shakes her head. “Loves to start drama.” She rolls her eyes now. “He told me you guys used to date way back in the day.” She leans on the counter and sighs. “Wonder what he’s plannin’.”
“What do you mean? Planning?” You’re blinking at Connie. She grabs the clipboard and starts to read through it.
“Before we even found this place and all of us was just wanderin’ through the woods together– after his dad died– Jacob was always out sniffin’ around tryin’ to find tail. Didn’t matter if that tail had a ring or not. Not to Jacob. I mean…you seen him. He’s good lookin’ so he don’t gotta do much.” Connie explains this like you should know, you dated him but that’s not the Jacob Harris you know. It’s also not the Jacob Harris that he painted himself to be on the porch that night. You could kiss Connie on the mouth.
“So what? He’s gonna try and break me and Joel up or something?” You ask, slightly entertained by the idea because you’d like to see what Jacob would do. You’d also like to see how Joel would react.
This is toxic. Horrible. You don’t want any of this. You want a quiet cabin in the woods with no one around to talk to but Ellie and Joel. That’s when things were the easiest. When people want to steal all your stuff and kill you. This is literally way worse.
“Eh. Joel is scary. We’re all established as a town now too. He might do nothin’.” Connie leans in and whispers to you. “He did tell me that you kissed him Monday night.”
“I bet he did tell you that.” You whisper back to her. “He kissed me.” She smirks.
“I know he did. I sleep on the couch and was watchin’ out the window the whole time.” She chuckles a little. “He’s my family, and I care about him, but he’s skeezy. Tried to sleep with me a bunch when it was me and him and his dad. Whenever his dad was gone he was trying to get into my pants. I never let him though.” She leans in and speaks lower than a whisper. “I’m still a virgin.” You gasp.
“I was too! Before I met Joel. I was for so long!” You grab her forearms. “I didn’t let anyone touch me when I was traveling. I was too–”
“Scared!” She exclaims. “It’s so scary because what am I supposed to do? I just lay there, right?” She sounds so relieved to have someone to talk about this with. “I grew up on a farm in Arkansas– I know how the animals do it but I never seen two people do it before.” This makes you belly laugh because, what?
“I mean…you can do it like the animals if you want. It’s not bad.” You admit to her. Her jaw drops. You nod at her as she sets the clipboard back on the counter.
“I’m gonna need you to tell me everything you know, right now. All of it.”
The rest of the morning is spent telling Connie everything you know about sex. Which isn’t a lot. Mostly what Joel taught you. You also ponder the fact that Jacob lied about trying to sleep with Connie. The man lies. Proven to you right now, by his fake sister- who was so eager to rat him out.
“So, they spit in your mouth? That’s disgusting.” Connie wrinkles her nose at you but you shake your head no at her.
“No. It’s incredible. I didn’t think I was going to like it either–” You look around to make sure no one else wandered into the market. “- once their dick is inside you– you do not care. If it’s good enough, you’ll fuckin’ beg for it.” You raise your eyebrows and nod your head at her now.
“No fuckin’ way.” Connie’s eyes scan the counter in front of her like she’s imagining all these things. “Okay. Now I gotta do it. You make it sound so fun. I wanna do all those things.”
“Are there any single guys in town our age? I’d help set you up with one. I really would.” You encourage her because sex is the most fun thing you’ve ever done in this shit place. Mad you didn’t try it sooner, honestly.
“A couple. Most of ‘em already got wives or just wanna fuck–”
“Nothing wrong with that.” You narrow your eyes. “Fuck ‘em. Who cares?” You ask curiously. “If you’re not committed to any of them…you could fuck all of them.” You squint your eyes at her suspiciously.
“What!? All of ‘em? Together?” Connie sounds intrigued.
You cock your head to the side dramatically and think about it for a second. You’ve never heard of this either. Multiple people sleeping together at the same time? Interesting.
“You should do that. And then tell me about it because I’ve only ever been with the one guy. Only him.” You point to the door that leads to the greenhouse. “Do you wanna go… like, look at him with me?” You ask curiously. “I don’t know why, but I need to go look at him.”
“Yeah. His brother is real cute too. Let’s go look’it them.” Connie says dreamily. Her little country accent is cute. It’s much more twangy than Joel’s. She sounds like she grew up on a farm.
The two of you go outside and stand there, watching. Joel and Tommy both look at you numerous times as you two girls just watch them work. You’re not even gardening. Not even trying to look busy. You stare at Joel. The way his already tight jeans get even tighter somehow when he bends over. He’s got sweat glistening on his forehead and the back of his neck. You can see how strong he is under his flannel. It’s rolled up to the elbow and the veins in his forearms are popping.
You’re gonna let him deepthroat you later. And be mean to you. Holy shit.
“Wow.” Connie whispers softly. “I think we should go to the bar after work so I can show you all the single guys in town and you can tell me which ones to sleep with.”
Connie would have no trouble getting any single guy in town. She was cute. Roughly five-six with curly blonde hair and blue eyes that glowed in her skull. Pretty, fully pink lips. She was on the thicker side. Thick thighs. Nice curves. Connie was adorable and you could set her up easily. Don’t really want to drink though. You did not like how that wine made you feel.
“I’d come to the bar with you. Do you smoke weed?” You ask quietly. Joel looks at you like he heard what you just said but it’s impossible. He’s too far away and you whispered.
“Sometimes, yeah. Jacob smokes it all the time, sometimes we’ll smoke together but I like to drink wine at the bar.” She smiles at you and grabs your hand. “You can smoke in the bar though, everyone does. You should come! Bring Joel! Tommy and Maria come! Ms.Babs from the school is a riot!” She’s squeezing your hand gently. “Bird, something burnin’ in my belly and you gotta help me figure out how to put it out.” She’s desperate and it makes you laugh.
“Joel.” You shout at him. He seems quite eager to come talk to the two of you. He jogs over and wipes his hands on his jeans before he puts them on your waist to give you a kiss. “Bar tonight? I guess everyones going.” You smile up at him.
“Come on, Joel! She’s gonna try and help me get laid!” Connie is too excited to keep this information to herself. Joel is stunned by this news. You smile at him innocently and bat your eyelashes.
“Ellie can put herself to sleep for one night. It won’t kill her.” Joel shrugs. Connie cheers from next to you and bounces excitedly.
“It’ll be my firs time!” She exclaims to Joel happily. You smirk at him and close your eyes.
“Don’t tell people that. S’not a bad thing, it’s just… don’t tell people that, okay, Con? Just keep that information to yourself at first. Let ‘em know after…if you really gotta tell ‘em” Joel explains to Connie politely.
“Oh. Alright. Thanks for tellin’ me.” Connie punches Joel in the shoulder playfully. Again, if it was anyone besides Connie, you’d break their fist off, but not Connie. She's like a little baby, You can’t believe she survived the outbreak for as long as she did. She’s just a sweetheart. “Don’t wanna look dumb out there.” She’s also hilarious.
The rest of the day goes by fast. You and Connie knock out the weekly bags for the town and lock up the shop. Joel is waiting for you outside.
“We’ll see you later!” You shout to Connie as you depart from the market. Joel wraps his arm around your neck and pulls you close to him as you walk home.
“What were you two doin’ out there earlier?” He asks curiously. You chuckle to yourself.
“Me and Connie were ‘guy talking’ inside. I must’a got all horny brained because I just had to go out there and look at you. She came to watch too.” You smirk up at him. Joel is beaming. Grinning from ear to ear.
“You come out there and look’it me like that every single day ‘till that greenhouse is finished. You hear me?” Joel leans down and gives you a big, wet smooch right on the mouth. “You were lookin’ at me all stupid, almost droolin’. I fuckin’ loved it.” He gives you another kiss like the first and takes your hand in his. “Naughty Bird. S’what you are. God damn.” Joel shakes his head in sheer awe of you. This makes you smirk.
“So you guys are leaving me alone all night?” Ellie asks in disbelief. You and Joel both laugh.
“No, Bug. We’ll leave in a little while. You’ll do bedtime alone. We’ll be back tonight after you fall asleep. We’ll be back though. We’d never leave you overnight. That’s way to scary for you.” Joel flashes you a look before looking back at his plate of food.
“I’m not scared.” Ellie shoots back at him. “I just wanted to know.” She pushes her own food around on her plate.
“It’s okay if you are scared, Squeak.” You kick Joel softly under the table. “No one would judge you for that.” You reassure her while giving Joel a look.
“I’m not scared though.” Ellie tries to reassure you now. Like you might be scared to leave her. You are! She’s your baby! Putting herself to bed so you and Joel can go be intoxicated. What kind of parents are you? Bad ones .
“Okay.” You drop it because you might start crying.
Ellie used to be so independent on the road. Like she didn’t need anyone. Now, she’s really leaning on you and Joel for things. Comfort. She needs you guys and she’s letting you know. It’s nothing like being on the road. She want’s to snuggle and talk in her bed before she falls asleep. Wants Joel and you to walk her to school everyday. This is the girl who went hunting in the woods alone and held two men at gunpoint for medicine for Joel.
When you and Joel walk into the bar it’s like everyone in town is there. He is immediately stolen away by Tommy and the guys from the patrol. You’re left to limp to the bar and find Connie. You hear her before you see her.
“Birdie is here!” She cheers excitedly. Ms. Babs looks you up and down as you approach. Maria and Ava are here too. A couple of other women you haven’t met yet. Maria introduces you as her sister in-law. Blush.
“Con was just tellin’ us all about your lil plan, Bird. Get’er shacked up with a couple fellas. I like you.” Ms. Babs gives you a gentle elbow in the side. “Dirty bird.” She winks at you.
“Oh yeah. Connie was telling us about everything you two talked about today.” Maria gives you a knowing look and then smirks. You snap your head back to Connie and she looks guilty.
“Sorry. I just got real excited about it C’mon. Let’s go look at all the guys. I’ll show you which ones have talked to me before. We can start with them.” Connie grabs your hand and leads you through the bar. She points to four different guys and names them off.
The cutest one is this young guy, has to be about yours and Connie’s age. His name is Lucas. He’s got dirty blonde hair, a goatee, green eyes and he’s wearing a backwards baseball cap. He’s wearing a long sleeve thermal shirt and jeans. It’s just one of four variations of men's outfit. Jeans or Dickies. Boots. Shirt. Jacket or Flannel. Trucker hat or cowboy hat. Sometimes a vest. But that’s what every single guy in here had on.
The women were all dressed almost exactly the same. Jeans or long skirts for modesty. Flannel shirts. Cardigans or sweaters. Hair either up in some sort of hairstyle off their face or it hung plainly to their shoulders. No make up. No wild hair or nails.
“So what do I do?” Connie asks. You two are sitting back at the bar with the rest of the women.
“What did he say to you when he talked to you last?” Maria asks, sipping on her water. She seems genuinely curious.
“He wanted to get me a drink.” Connie explains excitedly. You nod and look for Joel. He has your smokeable medicine.
“Ask him if he can still get you that drink.” You say, spotting Joel from across the room. He’s laughing. Smiling. He looks happy. Really happy. You like that. Joel laughed with you and Ellie on the road but, seeing him interact with someone who isn’t you or Ellie is… different. It makes you smile.
“Then what? I just ask if he wants to?” Connie raises her eyebrow at you. Ms. Babs laughs loudly.
“Yes. Get right to the point. We could all die tomorrow. Fuck it.” She sips on the beer in front of her. You point at her.
“Yes. She has a point. Go for it.” You agree. Maria nods.
“No one is trying to beat around the bush out here, Con. We all want the same thing. Safey and someone to fall asleep next to at night.”
Ava sighs audibly when Maria says this. You flick your eyes to her and then to Connie.
“You can do it. We all believe in you.” You try and reassure Connie. “You’re hot as hell and he’d be lucky to take you home tonight.” Connie sighs deeply, finishes the rest of her wine and marches off towards in the direction Lucas had been.
You try and find Joel again. You wouldn’t mind a hit of your medicine right now but he’s not where he had been. Maria touches your shoulder gently.
“Can we talk outside for a second?” She whispers into your ear over the music. You nod and follow her outside. You’re the only two out there.
“What’s up? Is everything okay?” You ask because she is almost about to have a baby. She nods but gives you a apologetic look.
“I’m really sorry for what I said the last time we saw each other. Tommy told me that I fucked up by saying anything to you. Joel and I didn’t really get along to well last time he was here. My opinions of him are changing…seeing him working with Tommy. Hearing what Tommy says.”
“What does Tommy say?” You ask, pinching your brows together curiously.
“Just good things. Not what he used to say. Joel used to be such an asshole. Grumpy all the time. He’s just not like that as much anymore. More willing to come do stuff with us than he was before Salt Lake.” Maria looks like she could put her foot in her mouth if it would reach over her belly. “I like you. You seem like a real nice girl. I was just worried about you. I never should have opened my mouth. Really. I jump the gun a lot. Have a hard time keeping my opinions to myse—”
“What’s your opinion of Ava?” You ask curiously. Maria gives you a chin in her chest look through her lashes.
“Whatchu know about Ava?” She raises an eyebrow.
“Whatchu ‘bout to tell me? It better be everything I already know and nothing new.” You cross your arms over your chest and google her right back. She chuckles and pulls you to the bench a couple feet away.
“From what Ava has said… she and Joel were an item. From how Joel acted and never said a word about Ava? He just wanted to get his dick wet probably, if it ever happened. Ava is a wild one. Her and Jacob used to be a thing, nothing real official but people knew about them. The minute Joel shows up- Ava is single again and she’s all over Joel at every function. Bringing him her jam and bread.” Maria is spilling the beans and she’s putting emphasis on things and you know she’s not fucking lying. You’re basically sitting in her lap. “Joel did not seem interested in it. He’d come here though and drink too much and go home with her. Sometimes. I don’t think they were an item so if she tries to tell you that…don’t believe her. She’s a trip.”
“Maria…you might have just saved my whole relationship. I mean it.” You touch her arm gently. You sigh with relief.
“Oh was she an issue for you two? I’m not surprised. She talked about him like she was waiting for him to come back. We didn’t even know if he was comin’ back. Then he shows back up with you.” Maria whistles softly. “I don’t think I ever seen Ava so mad. Come get drunk at the bar almost every night.” Maria chuckles. “But I heard she was still brining him jam and bread. Desperate.”
“Why doesn’t anyone call her out on it?” You ask curiously.
“Oh we have. Nicely. Not so nicely. Told her Joel was officially taken. She said ‘we’ll see about that’ and laughed.” Maria touches your arm gently.
“When’d she say that? Cause I just cussed her ass out last night for being funny.” You smirk at Maria.
“No fucking— good for you! I’m proud of you!” Maria nudges your shoulder gently with hers. “She said it a while ago. Two or three weeks before you came home from the medical center.”
The door to the bar opens loudly. Swings open and bangs against the wall outside. It makes both Maria and you jump.
“Jesus Christ.” Tommy sighs. Him and Joel both look panic stricken. “We couldn’t find you two anywhere. No one knew where you went.” Tommy is panting gently like he might have been running around. You don’t blame him. You can almost see the baby's head. Maria is so close to her due date.
“Saw you one minute then you were gone the next.” Joel chuckles nervously as he takes you in his arms. “Do you wanna smoke? I saw you lookin’ at me like you were fiending for some.” Joel smirks and kisses you softly. You nod and he pulls the joint from behind his ear.
Fuck. He’s so hot.
Joel lights the joint, hits it twice and passes it to you. You move away from Maria but she waves her hand at you.
“Tommy smokes around me all the time. I was eating those brownies from the medical center during my first trimester because my nausea was so bad. The doctor told me to.” Maria shrugs her shoulders. “I stopped once the morning sickness went away but one tiny little square a day saved my life.”
“Really? I would have never thought.” Joel sounds amazed by this information.
The door opens again. It’s Lucas and Connie. They’re hand in hand headed back to the housing tract.
“Bye! See you tomorrow!” She waves at you before grabbing onto Luca’s jacket sleeve with her free hand and starts fast talking about the market and the greenhouse. Lucas is looking at her like she is the prettiest thing in the world.
Once they are out of earshot you look back at Maria.
“They’re getting married. I’ll put money on it.” You hold you hand out for her to shake.
“If we had money, but I’ll do 24 eggs and a bag of flour.” She puts her hand in yours and shakes. Joel shakes his head and take the joint from your fingers and hands it to Tommy.
“Greedy. Been holdin’ on to it.” He teases you and kisses you again. You’re one hundred percent letting him go deeper. As deep as he fucking can. Fuck.
Joel had a couple drinks. You’ve never seen him after a couple drinks and you’re not mad at him. He’s fun. Handsy as always. He starts to lead you upstairs but you push him back down.
“I don’t care– fuck me stupid on that bed, I don’t care. I need you so badly and I need it to not hurt,” You whisper softly into his mouth. Joel bends his knees, puts his hands under your thighs from behind and lifts you easily against him.
“I’ll flip it.” Joel murmers against your lips. “I’ll flip it righ’ now.” He moves into the bedroom with surprising grace for how drunk he is. He keeps his word. You strip the bed, flip the mattress to the other side. Joel has his hands on you before you can fully get the sheet back on top.
“Wait–lemme put–” You whisper but you don’t really want him to wait. You’re crawling on the half made bed. Joel’s been working your jeans down your hips since he got behind you after he flipped the mattress.
“Can’t. Need you now.” He’s breathless at the sight of your pantie clad ass. “Can’t wait.” Joel takes the fabric in his hands and tears it off of you. They rip so easily and loudly. It startles you because you didn’t know what he was doing and then you feel his lips on your exposed lower back and ass. “Fuck. You’re so fucking sexy. Take these fuckin’ pants off.” Joel growls against your spine as his hands caress your upper thighs. He’s on his knees. He wants to taste you. He’s already assumed the position.
You’re struggling to kick your pants off, one leg is stuck, you can’t get your foot out.
“Jesus Christ.” Joel growls. He spins you to face him, pushes you back onto the bed and rips your pants off the rest off the way. “Was that so hard, crybaby?” He smirks at you, his eyes glassy from whatever he had been drinking. Whiskey you think by the taste of him.
“It was hard, Daddy. Thank you for helping me.” You suck on your bottom lip as he kisses up your thighs, nipping gently.
“You’re s’fucking welcome baby girl. Daddy loves helpin’ you. Lay back, let him help you su’more.” Joel presses his mouth to you sloppily but you don’t care. He goes right to work. He wraps both arms underneath the crease of your ass and thighs and pulls you forward on the bed towards him. He moans once your pussy is pressed into his mouth tightly. “Fuck. I love your perfect fuckin’ cunt. It’s s’good.” Joel slurs softly against your wetness and goes back to licking those tantalizing circles around your clit.
You’re buzzing from it almost immediately. You two almost didn’t make it home. He had you pressed up against a tree in the park of the medical center with his hands almost in your pants but you made him wait. There were way to many people around. Now there was no one and Joel had you all to himself.
“Yes Daddy,” Your hips become fluid as you rock back and forth against his mouth. “It’s so good.” You whisper, your hands finding his hair.
“You still love me?” Joel asks, looking up from your pussy. You’re slightly annoyed because it felt good. You look down at him and he looks so worried. He had just been going down on you and now he looks like he might cry.
“Yeah, baby. C’mere.” You hold your arms out to him and he abandons his post, which is completely unlike him. “What’s wrong?” You ask, holding him gently around the neck as he rests his head on your shoulder, he’s laying completely on top of you in between your legs.
“I’m just big n’dumb.” Joel sighs into your neck. “Really only good at killin’ people.” He whispers softly. “Y’deserve better n’me. You n’the girl.” His words are short and tight when he speaks them like they’re a struggle to say. He must have drank more than you thought.
“You’re not dumb. You’re just big. My big guy.” You turn and kiss his forehead. “If you weren’t so good and killin’ people none of us would be here right now. None of us.” You whisper back to him. “You’re a good dad. You’re the best carpenter I know.” You kiss his forehead.
“Y’know two carpenters.” Joel mumbles into your neck defeated.
“Still the best.” You smirk and stroke his hair gently.
“Y’really love me?” Joel’s whispering again.
“Yeah. Do you not believe me?” You ask gently, still running your fingers through his mane.
“I didn’t think y’would when y’woke up.” Joel admits for the first time. “Thought you’d hate me. If you woke up.” Joel sounds so tired. Like he might fall asleep.
“Why would I hate you, Joel?” You’re genuinely so curious because he supposedly did nothing bad while you were in a coma… so you’re interested to know what he means.
“I almost got y’killed. I didn’t protect y’good. Gotcha’ll shot up.” Joel yawns loudly into your neck. He’s going to fall asleep on top of you and you can barely breath. He’s also still in all of his clothes. Jacket included.
“Baby. Wake up. Take your clothes off. Let’s go to bed. Lemme snuggle you.” You push on his shoulders gently. Reluctantly, Joel sits up and struggles to take off his jacket. “Shh. Stop. I got it.” You stand in front of him, pants-less in your hoodie. You push the jacket off his arms and let it fall to the floor while you unbutton his shirt.
“Y’too good to me, Bird!” Joel exclaims loudly all of a sudden while you push the flannel off his arms now.
“Shhh. You’ll wake up Ellie.” You scold him gently in his drunken state, he’s unpredictable right now; you don’t want him to start crying.
“Sorry.” He whispers and then is quiet for a moment. When he does talk again he’s shouting. “She needs t’know I don’t deserve you!”
“Okay, so whatever you drank tonight, probably not gonna drink it again, or at least not as much.” You pat his now shirtless back and he crawls into bed, still in his jeans. Okay. Bed isn’t even made, so… it doesn’t really matter.
“I’ll do whatever y’say. Don’t divorce me. Don’t leave me.” His eyes are closed and he’s sleeping as soon as he’s done talking.
So..drunk Joel is a little emotional. At least with you. It was cute and kind of sad. It makes you love him more. You do run up to peek on Ellie after putting on a pair of shorts, and she’s got wide open eyes looking at you when you open the door. Excitedly, you jump into her bed.
“Why was Dad yelling?” She rolls over to cuddle up into your side and rest her head on your shoulder. You get under the covers and put your arm around her head.
“He just had too much fun with Uncle Tommy and people at the bar.” You explain sleepily.
“So he was yelling at you?” Ellie sounds angry with him, her body tenses like she’s going to go downstairs and yell at him. You chuckle and settle your little guard dog.
“No, he wasn’t yelling at me. He was just being silly. He didn’t mean to get so loud.” You reassure her. She settles against you. “Do things feel better than they did when I first came home?” You ask her quietly in the dark.
“Yeah. You seem happier. Less scared all the time.” She whispers back to you. You can feel her playing with the seam of your shirt between her fingers. “When you were scared, I was scared.” She admits to you.
“Can I tell you a poem I heard once and I think about it a lot. A lot more since I met you.” You are already tearing up, because it’s something your mom would tell you. It’s not really a poem, just a thing she heard somewhere once and said it to you before bed after you two would fight, or if you were having an especially bad day.
“Yeah. Tell me.” She says softly, sounding excited that you relate something to her.
“If I ever say I love you more, it doesn’t just mean I love you more than you love me.” You feel the tears start to slide down the side of your face. “It means I love you more than all the bad days ahead of us. I love you more than any fight we will ever have. I will love you more than any distance between us.” You sob softly and Ellie holds on to you tightly. “I love you more than any obstacle could try and come between us because I love you most.” You choke it out and hear Ellie crying softly too.
She doesn’t say anything. She just holds you close as you hold her.
“I love you so much, Squeak. So fucking much. You don’t ever have to be scared. Even if I’m scared. I mean it. You’re safe here with Joel and I. No matter what him and I go through as time goes on, if we ever go through anything again, you are always our first priority. I mean it. You first. Always.” You turn and kiss Ellie on the forehead.
“I love you, too. And I’ll do anything to keep you and Joel safe. Whatever I have to do.” She sniffles softly. “I love my family. I really do.” You kiss her forehead softly and lay your head back down beside hers.
You fall asleep next to Ellie and only wake up again to Joel tapping your foot.
He wants you to come back to bed downstairs.
“You mad at me?” He murmurs sleepily in your ear as you walk to your bedroom on the first floor.
“No. I just went to check on her before bed and she was awake. Heard you yelling.” You finish making the bed, Joel takes his jeans off and crawls into bed beside you.
“I wasn’t yellin’.” Joel whispers into your neck. He’s back on your shoulder like before but he’s beside you now instead of on top of you. “I’m so drunk, Bird. I don’t like it.” He groans softly. You smirk and kiss his forehead. “Do that again.” He mumbles. You do and rub your fingers across his back.
“I love you.” You whisper to him but he’s already asleep again.
Notes:
I def stole that poem from tiktok so, no one come for me
Chapter 10: Speechless
Summary:
Some time has passed...
A fight happens...
Notes:
Um. I would say there is a slight trigger warning at the end of this chapter. I can't put the full TW because I don't want to give away the ending. I would just say read with caution. There's no graphic depictions, just some light talk of talk that can be upsetting for some.
speecheless- many eyes
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
It’s been ten weeks since the bar. Things are phenomenal. Jacob minds his own business. Ava does too. They’re an item again, apparently. Ava does not offer your family anymore of her butthole-jam or her dry, disgusting bread. She also doesn’t offer your family any more of her meat rations. She keeps those for Jacob now. Which is fine. You can make jam now too and everyone says yours is better. You don’t think they’re just saying that either.
On a scouting mission, the guys found a herd of cows and steered them all back to the colony. They built a paddock and now…you have dairy and beef. Things have been going so well.
You have been riding high. Going to the bar with Connie and Joel Thursday nights now is a new routine. Waking Ellie up after the bar is not. Maria, Connie, Shan— from the medical center and yourselves are thick as thieves. Best friends. You see each other as often as you can.
You keep an eye on Joel and how much he drinks; he gets sad. He gets sad when he sees the scar on your leg and behind your ear. There’s a scar on your upper arm from when you were grazed. Joel tells you that’s all he sees when you get naked in front of him. This breaks your heart. You’ll never get rid of those scars. You can’t regenerate. You can’t hide them away when you want to be intimate. Drunk Joel will run his fingers across them. Kiss them softly and tears will come to his eyes. It’s impossible to fuck a drunk Joel. He is too sad. You will try and comfort him but it does not work. He just wants to hold you close like he cannot believe he still gets to. Sometimes he mumbles incoherently about things he did before he knew you. You try not to listen because it’s…rough. Makes you sad for Joel…and the people he hurt.
You never brought up what was said at the greenhouse about Jacob. He’s still around. Makes himself scarce but…he’s still here! Joel must have found forgiveness in his heart? Forgot? Who knows. You’re too nervous to talk about it again after the way Joel reacted.
It’s so early. Earlier than you ever wake up but you do not feel good. At all. You sit up in bed and try to breathe through your nose and that makes it worse. You breathe through your mouth slowly. You are salivating something serious. Hot mouth. Your heart is pounding and you’re sweating. You’re going to fucking puke! What the shit!? Again?
Joel finds you in the bathroom a couple minutes later, hunched over the toilet.
“I hate it.” You groan, it echoes in the bowl. Joel rubs your back gently.
“This is the fourth mornin’ in a row, Bird. You sick?” Joel asks sleepily through a yawn. He sits on the edge of the tub behind you, still rubbing your back. Joel is worried about you, but mostly he’s tired. Once he’s up, he’s not going back to bed. It’s only four fifty. He’s up now until he goes to work.
“I’m sorry.” You whine, the twinge in your stomach happens again. Joel rubs your back through the whole thing and turns the shower on for you. He knows the drill. He knows what you want now that he’s been woken up for the fourth morning in a row this way. He remembers. It’s all he thinks about until he has to go to work. “I don’t know what’s going on.” You mumble honestly as you strip out of your pajamas. Joel does the same and gets into the shower with you. You’re still exhausted.
“Do you need me to tell Tommy I have to stay home today? I wouldn’t mind. I’m fuckin’ beat, Bird. I don’t know how I’d get on the roof of that bowling alley today an’ not fall off it.” Joel rests his forehead on your shoulder. He is in a fog. He did patrol last night and has had barely two hours of sleep.
“I don’t know. Don’t go to work if you’re just gonna hurt yourself. Tommy found a couple more guys to help out. He’ll be okay.” You turn around and rest your head on Joel’s chest. “I’ve never felt sick like this before.” You shiver against him and your teeth start to chatter.
Jacob also hired two more people to work at the market so you’ve been taking the last couple days off to try and get over whatever you’re sick with.
“Whachya mean? You wanna go to the doctor?” Joel shuts the water off and grabs your towel off the wall.
“N-N-No.” You get out through chattering teeth. “I just wanna go back to bed.” Joel does the best he can at drying you as you walk back to bed. It’s too cold. You were just sweating and now you’re shivering and feeling like you could jump out of your skin.
“Hon, I think we should go to the doctor. It’s the fourth day in a row and you been doin’ this sporadically for the last two or three weeks. Doctor.” Joel sounds adamant but you do not want to go to the doctor. You don’t like being at the medical center. Not at all. It’s too reminiscent of the hospital.
“I feel better.” You lie. “I’m fine.” You murmur as you crawl back into the bed still partially wet.
“You’re lyin’.” Joel smacks your naked ass as you climb in before he pulls the blankets back over you. “You want coffee or some water or somethin’?” Joel asks, wrapping the towel around his waist.
“Water. Maybe a piece of bread but just plain.” You whisper as you close your eyes.
“You got it. Be back in a minute.” Joel does come back in a minute but you’re already fast asleep. Joel sets the water and the plate with plain bread on it next to your table on the side of the bed and gives you a gentle kiss on your temple.
As Joel does this he wonders if you’re getting ready to start your period. He’s good about that kind of stuff. Was always sure that you and Ellie were… good . Had everything you guys needed before he went scouting for supplies. Now he’s wondering when the last time you couldn’t have sex was because of your period and he doesn’t remember being warned about it like he had been in the past. It’s never stopped him before. But he genuinely cannot remember the last time he had to lay a towel down for you or anything.
“Bird.” He whispers gently. “Psst. Bird, wake up.” He shakes your shoulder. You’re groaning. You had just gotten back to sleep. “When did you have your period last?” This question from Joel has your eyes open, looking at his big brown eyes fearfully.
“I don’t know. Oh God. Joel. I don’t fuckin’ know.” Your heart is pounding again, but not because you’re going to be sick. It’s because you genuinely don’t remember how long it’s been. You definitely haven’t had it since you’ve been home from the medical center. That’s very concerning. You expect to see Joel scowling or thinking hard— staring at the floor or something but when you look back to him from trying to drag your cheeks down off your face, Joel is smirking at you,
“Are you pregnant?” He asks suspiciously, like this is a secret you’ve been keeping from him.
“I don’t know!” You exclaim quietly. “Joel. We said we weren’t gonna do this right now.” You run your hands through your hair. Joel leans in and kisses you gently on the forehead.
“Is it somethin’ you still want?” He pulls away to look down at you from the side of the bed. “I’ll support whatever you want, but…I’d be okay with it. Keepin’ it. I’d like to.” Joel scans your face with his eyes, trying to find your answer in it before you even know.
Your leg is fully healed. You do not limp but you cannot run. It hurts. You can climb but if something were to happen. You’re dead. Unless you can hide a baby. A tiny crying baby. Your tiny crying baby.
“Shit.” You sigh softly and close your eyes. “I do want this. So bad. I just want to know that nothing bad is going to happen.” You could cry. Joel sits down next to you and takes one of your hands in his.
“Bird, even if this whole outbreak wasn’t happening— we’d still have to worry about bad things happening. It’s what parents do. I understand your concerns, I really do. I mean it when I say that I will support whatever decision you make.” He leans in and kisses you gently. “I’m gonna walk over to Tommy’s. I’m gonna tell him I need today and tomorrow off. I’ll stop by the market on my way home and tell Connie you’ll be back on Monday if you’re feelin’ better. Okay?”
“It’s so early.” You look at the clock and it’s not even five thirty. “No one’s gonna be up yet.” You rub your hand across his forearm. He looks at the clock and shakes his head.
“Fuckin’ forgot how early it was.” He chuckles and crawls back into bed with you. “I mean it. You’ll have me here to help you. Keep everyone safe. It wouldn’t all fall on you, Bird.”
This gives you some peace of mind. Joel can run. Ellie can run. You can climb and hide. They can run with a baby. You don’t want to have to worry about running. Ever again. Fuck. It makes you sad. You wanted this so badly and now you don’t know if it’s safe. Maria was right. A mothers need to protect runs way deeper than a need to procreate. You don’t even know if you’re really pregnant yet and you already would do anything to keep this baby safe. Even if it meant not going through with it. What kind of life is this for a child? Hidden behind a wall forever? With parents who live in fear of what lies beyond?
“You stuck thinkin’?” Joel pushes the hair away from your face carefully. You nod silently. He rests his head on your shoulder and sighs softly.
“Told you. Big n’dumb. I’m sorry, Bird. I heard you say it one time and it got stuck in my head. Couldn’t get it out of my brain.” Joel kisses your jaw softly. “Sorry you’re the one who’s gotta pay for my mistakes.”
“We were both dumb.” You murmur. The sleepiness is back despite your shock. You keep telling yourself that it’s nothing– a stomach bug. Your head is telling you that but your gut, where the baby you know is growing is telling you that it’s something. It’s a big something.
Joel does leave shortly after you fall back asleep. He walks Ellie to school, talks to Tommy, and sees Connie.
“Hey, can you get me some nice flowers from the greenhouse? I wanna bring her somethin’ that’ll make her smile.” Joel rests his elbows on the counter of the market.
“Awe, sure. I know her bein’ under the weather is stressin’ you out.” Connie offers sympathetic eyes and runs to the greenhouse. As she walks out, Jacob Harris walks in. It’s just the two men in the market. Haven’t spoken since the incident just outside. Not that Joel hasn’t tried. Jacob avoids him.
“When we gonna chat, Jackie. I know you know that I’ve been lookin’ for you. Never home. Never here. Where you hidin’?” Joel smirks and stands from his leaning posture on the counter. Jacob snorts and looks at Joel from across the counter.
“Hidin’? I don’t hide. I’ve been keepin’ myself away from your ol’lady. At your request. Or did the old man forget that?” Jacob has venom dripping from his smirk.
“Old? Sure. Forgetful? Not so much, Jackie.” Joel locks his eyes on to Jackie’s and leans in to the counter, his hips pressed into it gently. “I remember. Everything.”
Connie returns with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers.
“Tell Bird I said to feel better soon. I miss her.” Connie holds the flowers out to Joel. “Tell her she’s my best friend. I ain’t got no one without her.” She frowns dramatically and Joel chuckles.
“Will do, Con. I’ll be seeing you around, Jackie.”
Then Joel makes his way back to you. His pregnant ol’lady. Joel would never tell you this, because he does respect whatever decision you make— he wants this baby with you so fucking badly. He doesn’t even know why. He just knows he loves you so much– loves how good you are with Ellie, watched you almost die for her and you had just met her a month and half before that. Joel wanted to raise as many children as he could with you behind the safety of this wall. He agreed with you about the wall, but he felt secure. More secure than he had ever felt since the outbreak.
You’re still sleeping when he comes back. He puts the flowers he got you in a small vase he found under the sink in the kitchen. Then he puts the flowers on your nightstand, disrobes and crawls back into bed to sleep with you for as long as your body will allow.
You’re up two hours later, back in the bathroom. Once you get the poison out of you, you’re back in bed with Joel. He’s wrapped his arms around you from behind, his palms pressed against your stomach gently.
“I love you, Bird.” Joel whispers softly into the back of your head as you cuddle back into him for warmth. “I love you no matter what.” These words make you start to cry. You’re going to keep this baby. You dreamt about it while you slept. Dreamt of Joel holding a little cooing and crying bundle of blankets.
“We could do it? Really?” You ask through short, soft sobs of joy and fear.
“I think so. I think we’d do a good job together.” Joel sighs into your hair. “Ellie’d be such a good big sister.”
A quick sonogram by Shan at the medical center confirms what you and Joel had been suspecting all morning and afternoon. Joel rests his head on your shoulder from the side of your bed when Shan shows you two the screen. It’s a real baby. It looks like a baby, kind of. They can’t print sonograms like they used to so you’re just forced to memorize the picture in your head.
A doctor comes in. An OBGYN. She tells you how far along you are. She says you’re roughly seven to nine weeks pregnant. Rattles off a list of symptoms and tells you that if your nausea, headache or body pain get too bad to come up and she would give you a medicinal brownie for all of that. To consume less than what you would have for your leg. You still have all the brownies they gave you for your leg because they made you crazy, so you’ll just be sick and uncomfortable. She tells you to come back every three weeks to get checked out. Come in if you have any spotting or unusual pain.
“A whole fuckin’ baby.” Joel holds your hand as you walk to meet Ellie when she gets out of school. You’re going to surprise her. Not with this news right away. No. You’ll wait until later because… you don’t know. You just are afraid to tell her for some reason. You’re afraid she’s going to hate you.
“I know. I can’t believe it. I had come to accept it just wasn’t gonna happen for us.” You squeeze his hand gently.
“Yeah. I know. Me too, kinda. Was real bummed about it.” Joel looks down at you as you walk down the sidewalk. You smile and nod at everyone…Joel just scowls. The whole time. Even though the words he speaks are exciting and happy ones. No wonder everyone thinks Joel is such a grouch. He looks like one. “You wanna see if Ellie wants our big room downstair–”
“No. We aren’t going to make Ellie uproot her whole room. She just got it decorated the way she likes. We’re not asking her to move so we can have it easier. If she asks, hell yeah. But we’re not gonna do that to her.” You put your hand in Joel’s back pocket as you walk instead of holding his sweaty, clammy hand. It was making you feel nauseous.
“Okay. Okay. Understood, Mama Bear.” Joel chuckles and wraps his arm around your neck.
“Ugh. You stink.” You push him away from you gently and he laughs, pulling you close to him again.
“You never minded before.” He teases.
“I’m not the one who minds now, jerk.” You push him away again as you round the corner to the school. Ellie and Dina are on the sidewalk. You grab Joel and pull him back around the corner.
“What? What’s wrong?” He tries to go back to see what you had just seen but you hold onto him tightly.
“Ellie. Dina. Together.” You whisper quickly. “They’re talking. Don’t look.” You pull him away from the corner of the building, back the way you just came from. You two will walk the long way home.
“So? She doesn’t wanna walk home with us?” Joel looks confused. You shake your head no and furrow your brows. Now you’re mean to him like he is to you in the bedroom sometimes.
“Are you dumb? Like really stupid? Would you have wanted to walk home with your parents in front of the girl you liked?” You look at him, because you are annoyed with his dumb questions. He asks a lot of them lately. Pissin’ you off like crazy. Now you know why.
“Jesus, you are angry!” Joel grabs your ass and gives it a squeeze. “Mean Ol’Bird.” Joel smirks and kisses the top of your head.
“Yeah I am. My boyfriend stinks and my boobs hurt. I can’t even drink my instant coffee anymore.” You grumble sadly.
“You didn’t like that instant coffee anyway. You said it tasted like soy sauce.” Joel nudges you gently. “Been bringing that foraging book with me when I go huntin’ or scoutin’. I found that mountain rose for you. Made pretty good tea out of that. I can look for fireweed. The book says that makes good tea too.” Joel had found a book on how to forage for plants in the United States and he has been bringing it with him so he can look for herbs and plants that are safe for you all to drink or eat. Always looking for fruit so you can make him more jam.
Joel’s favorite way to eat your jam is directly off your inner thighs. No bread needed.
“Yeah, the mountain rose was really good. I’d freeze it, if you could find more. Ellie liked it cold with some strawberries in it. We’d all drink it. I’d try that fireweed. And the red clover!” You’ve memorized that foraging book. It’s the only book in your house besides Ellie’s school books and you’ve memorized them too.
“I still haven’t seen any red clover. Might still be too early for it, Bird. I’ll keep my eyes peeled though.” Joel gives you a smooch. A wet one as you stand in your driveway. “Do anything for you.”
“God you guys are the worst. Doin’ it all out in the open for the neighbors to see.” Ellie rolls her eyes like she’s disappointed in your display of affection for each other as she walks up the driveway.
“How’s Dina?” You smirk at her and Ellie smirks back.
“She’s good. I walked her home today.” She stops smiling now and looks the two of you up and down. “Why are you guys home? Did you not go to work today?” Ellie asks suspiciously.
“No. Your mom wasn’t feelin’ to good this morning so I took her up to the medial center. She’s just a little under the weather. Why don’t the two of you go lay down and I’ll make us somethin’ to eat?” You look at Ellie with a raised eyebrow.
“You wanna come cuddle in the big bed?”
The big bed is the new bed Joel and Tommy brought over. It’s the biggest bed you’ve ever seen. Bigger than the crusty bed Joel had in here before. This one was almost brand new. Joel had to throw away the bed frame because this one didn’t fit. It just was on the floor. Which was fine. You don’t care. It’s a new bed that Joel didn’t let some desperate woman ride him on.
It’s big enough for you, Joel and Ellie plus a couple pets and another baby, in nine months. Ellie nods excitedly when you ask and she races you inside.
“I thought you didn’t feel good.” She strains, trying to push past you into the bedroom door.
“I feel better now.” You say honestly. You have a little energy back but you’re still…blah. Sore tits. You feel like you have an inflatable vest inside your stomach. But now you know it’s not because you’re dying. You’re growing a new life. That makes you feel better. Ellie squeezes into the room first and jumps up on the bed. You crawl in behind her and snuggle her gently. “I love you, Squeaker. So much.” You sigh. Your eyes are already tired.
“I love you too, Mom.” She holds your hand across her stomach and settles down in front of you comfortably.
“Oh Squeak.” You groan. She smells. Bad. Like school. And other peoples kids. And a stinky teenage girl. “You gotta go shower. You smell like that stinky school. Go change and wash up and then come back and we’ll take a nap before we go to the jamboree tonight.”
There was a big party tonight. You don’t know why. They do this shit all the time. Throw big parties, watch movies. Make tons of food. You don’t hate it. Joel usually drinks a little too much. Ellie eats way too many sweets and ends up not feeling good. You have to take care of both of them in their misery.
When she returns she smells like your daughter again and her soap and your house. You’re able to snuggle her when she crawls into bed. Joel comes in with sandwiches for him and Ellie and a cup of water and plain toast for you.
“Why doesn’t she get a sandwich?” Ellie asks suspiciously.
“She doesn’t feel good, remember?” Joel brushes the wet hair away from her face and sits down next to her. Joel looks down at you and you nod at him. “We gotta tell you somethin’, Bug,” Joel sighs.
“What’s wrong? What’s wrong with Mom? Is she okay?” Ellie is suddenly panic stricken. Her sandwich is long forgotten about in her hand, and so is the bite in her mouth. Ellie looks between the two of you with fear in her eyes.
“Nothin’s wrong with me, Squeak.” You reassure her with a gentle hand on her back.
“Thing’s are gonna be a little different around here.” Joel starts. He sounds so serious. He’s probably scaring the shit out of her.
“Just tell her.” You smack his arm gently.
“Tell me what? What’s wrong?” Ellie has tears in her eyes. Joel wraps her up in his arms and holds her tightly.
“Nothin’s wrong, Bug. Nothin’ at all. We have good news.” Joel pulls away and kisses the top of her head. “You wanna be a big sister?”
Ellie scans his face with her eyes and then you’re next. She doesn’t have any emotion in her eyes yet. It makes you nervous. She doesn’t say anything when she turns back to Joel.
“You okay with that?” Joel asks curiously. You both wait for her answer apprehensively.
“Is everything going to change?” Ellie asks, her jaw is tight. She’s upset. You can hear it in her voice.
“No. Not for you. You get to be a kid. You don’t get affected by this, okay? You just get to be a good big sister. Snuggle with mom when she doesn’t feel good. Snuggle a little baby whenever you want.” You can’t see Ellie’s face. She’s looking up at Joel. His eyes are so soft. So comforting. You see Ellie’s jaw relax a little.
“Fine.” She grumbles against his chest as he pulls her in for a hug.
Then she leaves. With nothing for you. Not a glance. Not a wave. Nothing.
You cry when the door shuts. Your biggest fear come true.
“She’ll come around, Birdie. She will. Don’t let her bein’ a little jealous take away from this special moment you got.” Joel comforts you quietly.
“She hates me.” You sob softly. “I knew she was gonna.”
“She doesn’t hate you. She’s jealous she’s gonna have to share you. It’ll be okay. She still loves you, Bird. Don’t cry.” Joel whispers and caresses your back gently as you lean into him.
All these emotions are dumb. You hate them.
Every single person is there at the town hall. There is food everywhere and it stinks. Bad. You cannot even go near the food table. Joel and Ellie go themselves something while Shan and Maria flock to you.
“Glad you’re feeling better. I was worried about you. Joel never misses work, I was afraid it was something serious.” Maria hold her son in her arms as she sits down next to you. She still has worry in her eyes. Shan bites her lips between her teeth and looks down at the table, avoiding Maria’s eyes.
“It is serious.” You sigh softly. Maria scooches her chair closer to yours and puts her free hand on your shoulder.
“What is it? Are you going to be okay?” She is so worried, you do feel kinda bad drawing it out this way.
“I’ll be okay in about nine months, I think. Prolly just be real tired and sore after that.” You smirk at her. Her jaw drops.
“Stop. Shut up. No way. Really?” Maria is in shock. Shan is giddy with excitement, tapping the table with her fingers excitedly. Connie comes rushing over, Lucas isn’t far behind. They’ve been inseparable.
Her conversation with you the day after her first night with Lucas was the funniest thing you’ve ever heard. Joel told you after the fact that not all guys like the things he likes. Lucas was one of those real gentle guys, apparently… until he met Connie…who got all her lessons from you… and you got all your lessons from Joel… so, Connie turned Lucas into a spittin’, dirty talkin’ sex freak that leaves hickeys all up and down her neck. Connie doesn’t care. She wears ‘em proud.
“I didn’t think you were gonna come.” Her big blue eyes look so relieved. “You can go. Come find me in a little bit.” She lets go of Lucas’ hand and he reluctantly walks towards the food table. “Are you okay? I was so worried about you.” She also, has a little worry in her eyes.
“I’m fine. Just pregnant.” You smirk at her and she squeals. So loud almost everyone in the room turns to look at you.
“I knew it! I knew it! You came to work last week and I thought you looked different. Glowing. You just looked so pretty and happy and I just knew. Oh, Bird. I’m so happy for you. You and Joel. Ugh. I love the both of you so much.” She’s gushing. You’re going to ask her to be one of your bridesmaids in your wedding when Joel officially proposes. If they still do that. You don’t know. Weddings now could be standing under a tree and praying you guys find tomorrow together.
Ava and Jacob walk in together. It’s the first time they’ve come to a gathering like this since you and Joel have been back. They definitely haven’t shown up together before. Maria, Shan and Connie know everything. You’ve filled them in on all the little details. Ava doesn’t come to the bar on Thursdays anymore. Jacob is barely at the market. It’s almost like you and Connie run it now for the most part since some new people have started helping out.
“Ooooo. It’s getting serious now.” Connie smirks. “He’s almost always over at her place.” Connie snickers.
“He is? I never see him– I mean, I don’t ever see Ava either. They must take the long way around our place.” You tease but you’re curious. Jacob’s been living two doors down from you? For how long? And how have neither Joel or you noticed? Joel’s been looking for him, apparently, after he told you he saw him in the market for the first time since Joel saw him outside that one day so long ago.
“Oh yeah. He’s been hidin’ out there. He’s afraid Joel want’s to kill him.” Connie laughs. You chuckle too– but Joel does want to kill Jacob you’re pretty sure– and watch as the two of them head to the makeshift bar. Joel is on the other side. You see Joel see Jacob. Joel smirks. It makes you smirk from across the room.
Joel b-lines it to you. He's behind you, leaning down and whispering in your ear.
“You see this shit? She supposed to be his bodyguard or some shit? Fuckin’ pussy.” Joel kisses the side of your face gently and says hi to all your friends. They’re his friends too. You all have a really good time together. Joel is Tommy’s brother, Billy– Shan’s husband works with Tommy and Joel now. And Lucas does patrols with Joel and they’re drinking buddies on Thursdays. This was more than you could have ever thought you’d be able to get out here. This felt like a piece of heaven.
“I’ve got his bodyguard. You go for the main target.” You smirk and look at him over your shoulder.
“You better not. Not now.” Joel is serious and then his eyes scan the table nervously.
“I told ‘em all.” You smile as he leans in and gives you a kiss on the lips now. All the women congratulate him. That feels weird. They’re congratulating him on busting his load inside of you? Silly. Joel looks like he just won a million bucks though and you love that.
“Well since you told all your friends, I’m gonna go tell all of mine.” Joel kisses the top of your head and saunters away. Like he’s trying to give you some kind of ass-watching show as he leaves. You chuckle, shake your head softly because he’s the best, and watch as he walks to the table everyone he actually likes is sitting at.
Three seconds later the whole table is cheering, they’re standing and pushing Joel outside.
“Celebratory cigars. Probably a couple of joints. Shots for sure.” Maria sighs and shakes her head. “Our boys are definitely throwing up when they get home.” She snickers.
“He better not. I can’t take care of him in my condition. Ellie is probably gonna get sick on pie and cookies. All three of us cannot be throwing up at the same time.” You groan and lean back in your chair. Maria gives you a sympathetic look.
Jacob heads outside.
“Uh-oh.” Connie whispers softly. All of you are up on your feet and following him outside but he was moving with speed.
“So you groomed her, knocked her up and that’s something you’re proud of ?” Jacob is snarling at Joel, their chests pressed up against each other’s.
You don’t’ know how it all happened so fast. Joel’s fist gets cocked back and brought down onto Jacob Harris face with an audible dull thud. Jacob came back quickly with his own fist, catching Joel and then also Tommy who had jumped in quickly to try and break things up. This escalated the whole thing. Now Tommy wasn’t trying to break things up, he was helping Joel beat the shit out of Jacob. Next thing you know, every single guy that had brought Joel outside to celebrate is in this pile. Either trying to pull guys off one another or throwing punches themselves. Lucas takes a nasty hit to the eye, you saw it from here. Connie gasps and tries to run to him but you and Shan pull her back.
“Don’t fucking go over there, are you nuts?” Shan asks, looking at Connie with bewilderment. “C’mon. We gotta get someone else to help break this up.” Connie and Shan head back inside to get help. You and Maria stand there helplessly watching your boyfriend and her husband in this giant pile of fighting men. Ava and her long skirt push past you and Maria. She’s going to save Jacob. More people are pushing past you now, most of the men in town are out here now trying to break up this eleven man fight.
Ava and her pretty skirt and her blonde hair get pushed to the concrete. Something inside of you— maybe this unborn child– compels you to go help her. You run down the stairs and kneel beside her. She’s got a cut on her cheek, just under her eye. She caught a fist. She takes your hand and lets you help her up. She rushes back to try and help everyone else pull Jacob from this pile of fighting men. He doesn’t look great… not at all. He’s beaten bloody. Almost unrecognizable. You’re closer than you were before so now you can hear all the punching and panting and grunting. Men are yelling over each other. You can hear Joel in the mix of it all.
“I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you. Tear you to fuckin’ pieces, lil boy. You hear me? You think you got it bad tonight? You just fuckin’ wait.” Joel’s snarling. Worse than you’ve ever heard before in your life. You can’t even see Joel. He’s just snarling from somewhere in that pile.
“No ones gonna find you, Jackie boy.” Tommy pipes in and now you’re confused because… are they in on this together? Does Tommy know? Is Tommy helping Joel?
Finally, someone get’s Jacob out of this pile and it takes four new non-fighting men to hold Joel back and three more to hold Tommy.
What the fuck just happened? What is grooming? Why did that make Joel so upset?
“Mom!” Ellie’s voice carries over the crowd around you. You snap your head around and see her at the top of the stairs near the door inside. You meet halfway. “What happened? Where is Da–” And then she sees. She sees Joel who took a few hits himself. Bleeding from his eyebrow. His lower lip is split down the middle. He’s already got a black eye. She tries to run to him but there is still a lot of commotion down there. Still a little violent so you hold her back.
“Too dangerous, Squeak. Stay here. He’ll come get us when it’s safe.” You reassure her. She leans back against you. You watch as Joel wipes the blood from his eyebrow, spits blood out of his mouth. He starts looking around for you. He waves you down to him when you catch his eye. “Okay. Go make sure he’s alright.’ You push her forward gently but she doesn’t need much encouragement. She’s down the stairs and in his arms before you can get down three stairs yourself. Joel is holding her tightly, swaying her back and forth.
“Sorry. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t control myself. He came out talkin’ shit.” Joel is inconsolable when you approach. He looks so apologetic.
“Don’t be sorry. I saw it all. You don’t have to be sorry.” Joel takes one arm and wraps it around your waist and brings you in close to hug with Ellie.
“I am sorry. You shouldn’t have seen it. Neither of you.” Joel sounds ashamed of himself.
Your wiping Joel’s face clean with a wet rag. He’s sitting on the edge of the tub and is wincing when you touch his swollen face.
“What is grooming?” You ask curiously. “Why did it make you so mad when Jacob said that?” Joel sighs and closes his eyes for a new reason. Not the pain. Joel looks apprehensive to tell you.
“It’s what predators do to kids.” Joel murmurs. You pinch your brows together, not understanding. “It’s fuckin’ disgusting. It’s really all that matters.”
“What’s it mean? Why did he accuse you of that?” You sit down on the toilet across from him and study his face. Grooming is what you did to your dog or cat. You can groom your hair. What’s Joel talking about?
“I heard a rumour the other day from a guy on patrol.” Joel starts, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. “That Jackie is goin’ around tellin’ people I groomed you out in those woods. I’m the reason you stayed out there. Isolated you away. Made you my lil sex slave.” You pull your head back and frown. “I know. It’s fucked. S’why I couldn’t control myself tonight.”
“I still don’t get it. What is grooming?” You ask nervously. Joel shakes his head in frustration.
“Bird, if I tell you, you’re gonna think that’s what I did to you. It’s what he thinks I did to you.” Joel exclaims angrily. “I didn’t fuckin’ do that though.” Joel is angry. Frustrated. Not with you, you don’t think.
“Just tell me.” You’re so scared. What is this man going to say? The man whose child you were currently carrying.
“He thinks I manipulated you into wanting to be with me. Sayin’ you still had the mentality of a teenager. You’re bein’ isolated by me, manipulated by me into bein’ exactly what I wanted you to be, apparently.” Joel can’t even look at you. “I don’t think that’s what I did. You had already been out in them woods. I didn’t even know you were alone out there.” Joel holds his hand at the wall like he’s pointing to the woods just outside the wall. “Now he’s sayin’ all that and I wonder if that’s what I did to you. You bein’ a virgin and all?” Joel still won’t look at you. Hasn’t made eye contact with you since you asked him what grooming is. “Now you got my kid inside you and I don’t know if you really love me or if I manipulated you into it.” Joel is crying. Really crying. “I didn’t mean to to that to you, Bird. Really. I didn’t.”
Joel gets on his knees in front of you and presses his forehead into your chest. His hands find your waist.
“Please don’t hate me. I never thought that’s what I was doin’ to you out there. Never.” You don’t know what to say. You touch his back gently but you’ve forgotten all the words you’ve ever known.
Notes:
do you guys still love him?
I love the idea of a sad, drunk Joel. I dunno. I can't imagine him any other way. Angry or sad.longlivepedro
longlivejoel
Chapter 11: Dog Fight Over the Trenches
Summary:
Shit.
that's it. that's the summary
Notes:
we'll be time hopping in short amounts over the course of birdie's pregnancy.
TW: talks of physical abuse-- semi-graphic descriptions.
dog Fight Over the trenches- the callous daoboys
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Can you explain to me more what grooming means?” You ask Joel as he holds onto you. “I’m just so confused. I’m adult. Not a kid.”
“Jackie’s going around sayin’ that ‘cause y’wandered the woods your whole life with your dad that you’re still basically a fuckin’ kid.” Joel shakes his head. “I made sure you weren’t a fuckin’ kid. Y’sure don’t look like a kid.” Joel shakes his head at your womanly body. “He says Connie is the same way. Basically a kid. Kids trapped in women's bodies.”
“That’s so funny he said that because he was trying to sleep with Connie all the time in the woods. Must’a not knew what grooming was then.” You snort.
“Sounds like some psychological therapy fuckin’ whatever Ava used to spout off ‘bout all the time when she wouldn’t shut the fuck up and just sit —” You put your fingers over his lips but he continues to babble on behind them drunkenly.
“Hon, I know you’re drunk and sad but don’t ever…ever talk about what you and Ava did before I came around. Ever again.” You remove your hands and kiss his lips gently. “That is very interesting though. I don’t know Jacob like I thought I did. I do know he probably didn’t know that word until he met her.” You nod your head. “Yeah. I bet we are a big topic of discussion in their house.” You lean forward and kiss his nose gently. “I might be naive sometimes, but you didn’t manipulate me. I saw you on the road that day and was just as eager as you were to run into that cabin. Shit! I’m the one who pulled you in there.” You smirk and he does too now. “I’m the one who wanted to see you again. Jacob Harris might be slick but he sure is stupid. Doesn’t even have all the facts.” You are fuming. How dare he? He doesn’t fucking know you. You tell him two things about your life after the outbreak and he thinks he knows you?
“Y’don’t think I groomed you, right?” Joel is fearful. He’s practically trembling. Too drunk and scared to hear what you just said.
You can see why though. Ever since you got home from the hospital things have been… off as fuck. Joel made some big mistakes before Jackie even came into the picture. There’s the having sex with you while you were unconscious. Which was a complete misunderstanding. You weren’t completely unconscious. Conscious enough to give Joel consent. Not enough to remember the whole thing. It was your first time ever being high. Joel didn’t fucking know that. You and Joel didn’t talk about your pasts a whole lot until the very end and then you almost died. So, it’s not like you had four weeks to get to know him in the hospital. You were trying to make more blood and had a tube down your throat.
Joel assumed you had done sneaky, bad kid things. You admitted that you were not a good kid. He had a right to assume. None of that makes it okay. You and Joel have talked extensively about that. It was just a shitty series of shitty events.
His second mistake was Ava. All around. Just…sleeping with her in general was a whole mistake. Not telling you about it was where he fucked up. Joel is just big n’ dumb. Big dumb idiot guy who didn’t realize how upset a scorned woman could really be. Joel is not naive at all. Doesn’t trust anyone. But he knew Ava. Thought him and Ava were on good terms because she hadn’t brought it up since he came back. Thought the hatchet had been buried. It had been. Right into his back because Joel thought that Ava was just a nice, shitty jam makin’ lady. Not some conniving, slimy wench! No. Joel made a bunch of mistakes.
You’re thinking back on all this. You can see why Joel is a mess in front of you. Has done absolutely nothing these past ten weeks that would make you think that he was malicious and trying to groom you or isolate you. Not even back in those woods did you feel that way. You both just wanted to feel good and Joel was the most handsome man you had ever seen. Ever. Still is. You’re lucky that he said yes to you that day. Look’it you now.
“Bird?” Joel is still staring at you. “You’re just starin’ at me. Y’think I did that, dontcha?” The tears in his eyes are back. You shake your head at him and cup his face in your hands gently.
“No. I don’t. I fell in love with you because you make me laugh, you have a good dick , you’re nice to me. Good to look at. You’re a great dad. I know you have a fucked up past. I know I don’t know all of it, but you talk when you're drunk. You say things, you’ve told me things. I don’t care. I want you here, next to me. With me always. ” Your eyes never leave him. Joel is staring at you and one tear falls from the corner of his eye and lands on the tip of your thumb. “Don’t cry. Don’t be sad. This is good for us. It’s bringing us closer together.” You kiss him gently. “It’s making us stronger. ”
“Why’re y’so good t’me?” Joel is getting drunker and drunker as the minutes go by. You just told him. “I’m gonna kill’m. Me n’ Tommy.” Joel admits to you drunkenly. “Not tonight. We’re gonna though. ‘Cause fuck’m. I hate him. Hate that he got t’look at you, kiss you. Hate’m.”
“You cannot come on patrol with me. You’re five months pregnant. Are you insane?” Joel asks. You’re so ready. Does he not see you? You have the bullet proof vest that Ken gave you. A hoodie, one of Joel's bandanas. He’s unimpressed. You’re so excited. You look excited to go.
“I can do it. I feel good. Give me a rifle. I can do it.”
“No. You’re staying home.” Joel is thoroughly unamused.
“No. I’m coming with you. I told you before I wanted to do this.” You step in front of the front door. “I’m not joking. You think I’m some delicate little bird now because you what? You care about me? I’m fine. Look’it how far I made it with no blood that one time! I’m gonna be fine, Joel.” You’re getting frustrated because you’re confused. You’re just pregnant. You feel fantastic. Way better than the first trimester, holy shit. If you could run, you would. That’s how good you feel.
“Uh…no. It’s because you have my child inside of you?” Joel is confused at how you don’t understand his concern.
“I got the vest!” You exclaim. It does fit perfectly over your bump. Ken gave you an extra large when Joel told everyone you were expecting. Joel presses his fingertips into your sides, both of your shoulders and then he presses one into the base of your neck, your jugular, right under your right eye and then directly in the middle of your forehead.
“Not covered.” Joel crosses his arms over his chest. “Not happenin’.”
“I’m going.” You’re determined. Joel scowls at you. You glare at him. You do that for a while, unblinking until Joel finally blinks and groans.
“Bird, do you know what all those guys are goin’ to say if you show up to do patrol?” Joel asks, looking pained.
“That I’m a badass.” You smile at him, nodding your head. He’s still so unimpressed with you right now. He’s so over it.
“No. That I’m a bad man. Doesn’t take care of his woman well enough. She gotta come do it herself.” Joel is embarrassed.
“No. They’re going to think damn, I wish my wife or girlfriend was this cool and come up here with me.” You are still nodding at him.
“I don’t know if any of those guys like their ladies as much as I like you. Plus it’s all guys. All just talkin’ real dirty. Bedroom shit–”
“And you’re a real big participant in this? You share often?” You ask dully. Joel has nothing to say. “Is that why you don’t want me to go? So you and your boyfriends can go be all bricked up or something– together on the wall?” Now you’re unimpressed.
“Watch it. It’s not safe,” Joel starts but you wave him away.
“You know how many times you’ve come home and told me about how crazy and wild it was out on patrol? ZERO. Not one time have you come home and told me anything interesting. So, either you lie to me or there’s nothing to patrol for and you just go there and smoke weed with your friends.”
“ Fine . I wanna go smoke weed with my friends.” Joel admits. You smile satisfied that he finally admitted it. You never wanted to go on patrol tonight! You just wanted to know why Joel didn’t want you to go so bad. Sonofabitch.
“Fine. Go smoke weed with your friends. I’ll be here touching myself. All night. Gonna stop as soon as you come home. Go to bed.” You turn your nose up at him.
“Please. I never thought I’d say this but I need a night off, Bird. You’re killin’ me. I’m sore. It’s gonna fall off. We’ll only ever get the two kids. No more. Please, touch yourself, rub it, do whatever you gotta do. I can’t take care of you when I get home tonight. My tongue and fingers– all of it– are out of commission for the evening. I need a night off.” Joel is serious. Your second trimester has been much different. You’re on top of Joel from the moment his eyes open until he has to go to work and then he gets home and you can barely wait until after dinner. You’re insatiable. I mean look at Joel! Poor man is begging you to leave him alone.
“Fine. One night. Enjoy it.” You point your index finger at him. “Love you. Be safe.” You kiss him when he leans in.
“You look stupid in that vest.” Joel teases, tugging on one of the buckles at the side. “Not really, you’re fuckin’ adorable.” Joel is grinning down at you.
“Bye. Have fun smokin’ weed and getting awkward erections with your friends!” You call out to him as he walks down the driveway. He glares at you. You blow him a kiss.
When Joel comes back you’re still awake.
“You wait up to yell at me?” Joel smirks as he pulls off his own kevlar vest. You nod up at him from the bed smirking. Really you’re just awake. Can’t sleep for shit these days. “Okay, lay it on me. I’m ready.” Joel is beaming. He’s been good lately, not drinking so much.
“You’re the worst. I hate you. Don’t ever bring your sorry ass back to this house again, do you hear me? You stupid sonofabitch.” You whisper at him through a smile. Joel smirks and pinches at your hip.
“That came out way too easy. You’re gonna use that on me one day. You're practicing right now, aren’t you?” Joel crawls over you and hovers over you for a second. “I love you.” He rolls over onto his back and sighs. “I guess I don’t really need the night off.” Joel looks over at you, still smiling.
“You have to be up soon for work. I don’t.” Joel wouldn’t let you go back to work at the market after the fight. You didn't really want to anyway.
“Rub it in.” Joel closes his eyes and sighs softly.
“I’ll rub something for you.” You kiss his cheek gently.
“I am an old man. I don’t get handjobs anymore. I get a mouth and pussy and ass. Maybe I’ll fuck your thighs when you have the baby, to get by. But I won’t let you put your hands on my cock. No. I’ve aged out of that shit.” Joel sounds like he’s serious, but you never know with him. He’s smirking a little– but something else he said made you squint your eyes at him.
“Fuck my…—”
“Thighs. Yeah. Squeeze ‘em together for me. I’ll just do that until you’re ready– for the real thing, you know what I mean.” He turns the light on his bedside table off. You’re still staring at him in the dark.
“You wanna fuck my legs?” You’re not amused by this. “You’d rather do that? Instead of a handjob?”
“Ooh yeah. All day long. I can thrust. You can even get a lil clit action.” You think you can hear Joel raise his eyebrows at you.
“Oh that’s so thoughtful of you.” You roll your eyes at him in the dark.
“I heard you roll your eyes at me. Fine . I won’t fuck your thighs. Now you’ll never know what it–”
“Wait! I didn’t say you couldn’t do it.” You backpedal because… no. Joel can do it.
“Sounds like you don’t wanna.” Joel snarks back from the spot beside you.
“You’re dumb. Go look for the light.” You snark back and roll onto your side. Joel snuggles up behind you.
“Big n’dumb. Told you. Now you got my big dumb kid inside you.” Joel chuckles against your neck. “Stuck with me ‘till I’m dead.”
“We need to talk.” You sit down across from Ellie doing her homework at the kitchen table the next morning. Ellie has been short, mean, and ungrateful since she found out you were pregnant. Joel as you have given her as much time to adjust to this idea as you can. She’s been outright mean. Nasty.
“What about?” She asks curtly. You frown and Joel takes your hand, giving it a soft squeeze.
“Just wanna know what you’re thinkin’ about.” Joel gives her his soft, comforting dad voice. Ellie sets her pencil down on the table gently and crosses her arms on the table in front of her.
“I’m just thinking about how annoying it’s going to be in this house soon. Loud. Crying. I’ll never get any sleep. You guys are always going to want me to watch it.” Ellie scoffs and leans back in her chair, arms still cross but now on her chest. The next words she says are muttered so softly, you and Joel barely catch them. “Not even gonna be my real brother or sister anyway.”
Your jaw nearly hits the table. Joel’s face doesn’t change. He’s so good at that. How the fuck does that man keep his face so still? Did he not hear her? You know he did! He squeezed your hand so fuckin’ hard when she said it. He heard her!
“If that’s how you wanna think about it, go right ahead. Gonna be real fuckin’ miserable if you have that mentality.” Joel is staring at her. Not glaring or scowling. Just staring and Ellie is staring right at you.
“Then I’ll just be fuckin’ miserable.” She growls at him, while still staring right at you! What the hell!? “You say nothing’s going to change but everything will. I know it will. My friends said their parents all got real fuckin’ forgetful once the new baby comes along.” Ellie picks her pencil up and starts doing her homework again.
“You think we’re going to forget about you?” You asked, astonished. Does she not remember your talk? Does she not remember your sweet poem to her!? She forgets! She’s the forgetter!
“Why wouldn’t you? This’ll be your guys’ baby. I’ll just be some fuckin’ girl who lives in your house.” Ellie snaps at you.
“Watch it.” Joel warns her. “Don’t talk to your mom like that.’
“She’s not my mom! And you’re not my fucking dad! So fuck off! Stop trying to talk to me! Stop trying to parent me! Just fucking leave me alone!” She pushes her chair away from the table and takes off outside. Joel takes off after her, you’re stuck at the table. Physically unable to move. All of your organs are threatening to fall out of you if you stand up. Ouch. Ouch. That hurt so fuckin’ bad. You got too comfortable. You should have known better!
Joel comes back a few minutes later, breathless and looking frustrated.
“She ran to Dina’s house. She’s there. She’s fuckin’ fast though, holy shit. I think I might puke, Jesus Christ.” Joel panting. “Got fuckin’ lazy here. Need to start runnin’ or somethin’.” Joel sits down at the table with you, stretching his sides like he might have a stitch.
“Oh, to be able to run. ” You roll your eyes at him. “Must be fuckin’ nice.” You snap.
“She didn’t mean it, Bird. She’s just angry.” Joel tries to comfort you through his panting but his hot breath is making your stomach churn.
“Stop breathin’ on me so hard. Makin’ me sick.” You pinch your brows together and move your arm. Joel laughs at you and leans back in his chair.
“Damn, I must just attract all the mean ones. The girl. You.” Joel sighs. “Can’t win.” He runs his hands down his face. “I know you’re just gettin’ pumped full of hormones or whatever. I’ll cut you some slack.” Joel is still panting and the sound of his breathing is starting to annoy you.
“Oh thanks for being so patient with me.” You snap at him. He keeps chuckling. “Oh, and I’m so glad it’s entertaining for you!” You go to stand up but Joel holds his hand against your stomach, stopping you from leaving.
“Stop’it. Don’t take it out on me! I’m doin’ the best I can, Birdie. I’m just a big dumb guy. Cut me some slack. Please, don’t you be mad at me too.” Joel rubs his hand across your stomach gently. “Don’t get all stressed out ‘bout this. It’ll all work itself out. I have faith in our family.” Joel’s hand leaves your expanding-daily stomach and he grabs your hand, kissing you gently on the knuckles.
“I’m sorry. I know you don’t deserve any of it. It’s just hard.” You say shortly because you’re going to cry. You don’t want to keep crying in front of Joel. You want to do it in the privacy of your bathroom which is where you like to cry the most because then you can also throw up if you have to.
You leave Joel in the kitchen to wonder if he should just go back to that cabin in the woods and just stay there for the next however many months left you got left to bake up that bun. You're loving on him one minute, yelling at him the next. Crying in the bathroom everyday. Won't sleep for shit. Only want's to eat bread and butter. That's your favorite food. Joel feels like he barely knows you anymore. Want's his sweet bird back. Not this upset bird!
The bathroom door shuts and the tears come. She said it. Your worst fear. Not her mom. It’s like a knife in the heart and back and all over your face. This is what David must have felt like. You get into the shower without turning it on because it just feels right to cry in there. You’ve never cried in a dry tub before. You don’t know yourself. You stay there until you need to pee. Which feels like every ten minutes now. This is the worst. Whose dumb idea was this?
Ellie comes home right after dark and goes straight to her room. You figured she would. You’re mad at her now. Not Joel. You’re mad at Ellie. At first you were sad, now you’re mad. Joel has to stop you from marching upstairs to give her a piece of your mind. You’re thankful for him because you wouldn’t have been able to hold back. Which means you would have gone up there and just started crying out of anger.
It’s late when you do decide to sneak up there. She’s still awake reading a book from school. You don’t say anything, you just crawl into her bed and lay there for a minute. She doesn’t say anything either.
“When I say I love you more it doesn’t just mean I love you more than you love me.” You whisper to her in the pale light of her flashlight. She doesn’t say anything. “It means I love you more than all the bad days ahead of us. I love you more than any fight we will ever have.” The tears are flowing out of your eyes but you’re not sobbing. Not even really weeping. Just tears. “I love you more than any distance between us. I love you more than any obstacle that could ever try to come between us. Ellie, I love you most.” You whisper it to her. You look up at her and she has tears rolling down her cheeks.
“Why couldn’t you just wait? Joel got time with me. You didn’t. You couldn’t even wait a little bit. You just want your–” You shh her and bring her head down onto your chest as she starts to cry.
The poor girl needs to fucking talk to someone. Jesus Chirst. You need a therapist or something in this fucking town. All three of you need to go seek professional help. You all need it.
“Can I tell you a secret? And you can never ever tell anyone. I mean it.” You whisper. You don’t wait for her to respond. “I’m scared.” She sits up and looks down at you. You nod up to her.
“Scared of what? Is something wrong with the baby?” She places her hand on your belly for the first time since you told her.
She does care.
“No. I don’t think so. No.” You look up at her and you’re feeling satisfied with what you’re about to say because you think it’s gonna knock her socks right off. “I’m scared I’m not gonna be able to love this baby as much as I love you.” You nod at her. She waves her hand at you dismissively. She doesn’t believe you. “I mean it. A mothers love is something that just comes when the baby comes out, right? You earned my love. You didn’t even know you were doing it. But ever laugh, every cuss word, every time I braided your hair. Ellie, my love grew for you. It still does every day.”
“Doesn’t make it more special–” She’s feeling argumentative and so are you.
“So? Does it need to be more special or can it just be fucking different?” You snap at her. She’s taken back by this. You speak to her sweeter now. “Why me? I ask myself that all the time. Why me? What did I do to deserve you? I’m so glad I met Joel because I love him but, Ellie, c’mon. It really led me to you, my favorite of the pair. If we’re being honest.” You smirk at her and she smiles now too. “Everyday that I look at you I realize how lucky I really am. So lucky.”
“Will you stay up here with me tonight?” She whispers.
“I’ll stay up here every night until I have this baby if you want me to. Joel might not like it, but like I said. You first. Always. Before me. Before Joel. You and this baby come first. Always will. I mean it.” She nods and rests her head on your shoulder.
“Sorry I was mean to you. It’s just been hard.” She whispers in the dark. “Scared of things changing between us.”
“I know, Squeak. We’re all dealin’ with shit. It’s been real hard on us since we got back.” You kiss her forehead. “This is just going to bring us closer, Ellie.”
“I miss being on the road. Sometimes I wish we never came back.” She sounds sleepy.
“I know, Squeaker. I miss it too. We had fun out there together. Laughed a lot. Me and you fought a lot, do you remember?”
“Yeah. I wanted you to turn around and go back to your house in the woods.” She laughs and you hold her close.
“I love you more than any fight we will ever have.” You whisper to her.
“I love you more than any obstacle that could ever try to come between us.” She whispers back to you.
Joel wakes you up three hours later. Tapping your foot hastily.
“What?” You mouth. Ellie is sleeping on your arm. He motions you to follow him. You carefully pull your arm from under Ellie’s head and follow him back downstairs. Joel is wide awake. You still have sleep all in your eyes and voice.
“What?” You wrap your arms around yourself. Joel points behind you to the couch. It’s Connie and Lucas.
Connie has a fat lip, a black eye. Her whole face is bruised. Not just her eyes. The whole thing is black and blue. You glare at Lucas and then realize he probably wouldn’t have come here with her if he did this.
“It was Jacob.” She sobs freely without being asked what happened. “He c-c-came home and was real d-d-drunk, talkin’ ‘bout I can’t be friends with you no m-more. S-S-Said if I did, he’d k-kill me. Said I talk too much. Tell you t-t-too much.” You have your arms wrapped around her. She’s holding on to you tightly. With your eyes, you tell Joel this town needs to be done with Jacob as best as you can. It’s been too long already. Three months have gone by since that fight.
“It’s gonna be okay. He can’t get you here.” You try to calm her down, get her to stop crying. You hear Ellie coming down the stairs. Joel points a finger up at her and starts to talk firmly.
“Back to bed. I mean it, don’t come down another stair. Get up there. I’ll come talk to you in a minute— No. You’re not in trouble. Just nothin’ you need to see.” Ellie is talking to him from the top of the stairs. “No, mom’s not crying– don’t worry about who it is. Go to bed. Mom will be up in a little bit. No school for you today." Joel looks back at you and sighs. "Maybe never again. Jesus Christ." He says it quietly but you hear him. Right!? What the fuck? You didn't think Jacob was capable of something like this!
Lucas gets up and follows Joel outside to the front porch.
“Connie, you can stay here all day.”
“Mom? Aunt Connie?” Ellie’s little girl voice from the stairs.
“Ellie. Go back upst–” You're protesting but she is running down the stairs and is beside Connie.
“Mom! Who did that to her? Did Lucas do that to her?” Ellie is growling. She's so angry that her Aunt Connie looks like this. Is crying that way. Ellie looks like she could kill someone.
“No, Squeak. Lucas didn’t do this. Don’t worry about who—” Ellie is putting her hand on Connie’s back and rubbing gently.
“It’s okay, Aunt Connie. Do you want something cold for your eye?” Ellie doesn’t wait for Connie to respond before she's running into the kitchen. You hug Connie gently and press your lips to her ear.
“Quiet around her. No names. Nothing. Quiet. She’s smart. She’ll put things together and we don’t want her to do that.” You whisper before Ellie can come back. The less Ellie knows the better.
“Aunt Con, who did this?” Ellie has a look on her face like she’s going to take care of the problem. She hands her a jar of frozen jam.
“Nobody, sweet girl. I fell.” Connie weeps softly and Ellie knows she's lying. You can see it in Ellie’s eyes. She flicks them to you for answers.
“We will talk about all of this later. Can you please go back upstairs before Joel comes back in here. I don’t wanna hear him bitching at you. Please?” Ellie nods and gives Connie a hug. And runs back upstairs. Her door shuts and Joel opens the front door and looks around the living room.
“She still upstairs?” He asks suspiciously. You nod and turn your attention back to Connie after he shuts the door.
“You wanna stay here tonight? We can cuddle with Ellie, she would probably love that.” Connie shakes her head no.
“Jacob is at Ava’s house. I’m gonna go stay with Lucas from now on but Lucas wanted to come here and talk to Joel. I don’t know why, I knew Jacob would be two doors over. Lucas said Joel would know what to do. I just wanna go to bed.” She’s crying again. You kiss the top of her head gently. You hold her until Joel and Lucas come back inside without saying anything because what the fuck? You're still proccessing the fact that Connie is all black and blue! Haven't even really processed that Jacob is the one who did it! Lucas did the right thing bringing her here though. You like him. He's been good to her. Makes her happy. Takes care of her. You like that he brought her here.
“I’m gonna walk them home.” Joel says going into the bedroom. He comes out and you see the pistol in the back of his jeans. “Lock the door. Don’t answer it for anyone unless it’s me. Got it?” He asks you seriously. You nod and he gives you a kiss goodbye. "I mean it. Don't open it. I'll let you know it's me." He kisses you again and now you're getting nervous.
“Connie, I’ll come over tomorrow, okay? I love you. You’re gonna be okay. Joel and Lucas are going to keep you safe. Okay?” She nods and sniffles softly. You hope you're telling her the truth. You wish they wouldn't leave. Stay here with you guys but they're already leaving.
Once they’re gone, you lock the door and grab your revolver that Joel got you after you came home from the medical center. All your weapons had been lost on the road. Now all you have is the revolver. There is a hunting rifle in the corner of your room. You leave that there. The revolver should be enough.
“Ellie. Come on down.” You call her and she’s already at the door waiting. “C’mon. Sleep in the big bed with me.” You're honestly too shaken up to go be alone. Joel left and now you're standing in the living room all alone.
“Who did that to Aunt Connie?” Ellie asks softly once you’ve tucked her all in next to you.
“Doesn’t matter. You don’t need to worry about it.” You know Ellie sees your revolver on your nightstand.
“Are you and Dad going… to– are you and Dad going to take care of it for Aunt Connie?” Ellie rests her head on your shoulder.
“Sometimes it’s just better to not ask questions, Squeak. It makes your life easier. Mine too. Just know you’re safe. S’all that matters.” You rest your head on hers. “You’re safe.”
“Baby is safe, too. Is it a boy or a girl?” Ellie asks curiously.
“I dunno. Your dad and I want to wait until it's born to find out.” You chuckle and wrap your arm around her. She sighs and relaxes against you.
“Dad walked Connie and Lucas home?” She’s awake. No getting her back to bed, not after what she just witnessed in the living room. You nod silently. She will always be your first baby. No matter what.
“You even tired anymore?” She shakes her head no. “Go make Dad a coffee then. He’s gonna want one when he gets back.”
“You too?” She’s already crawling off the bed. The knock on the front door makes both of you jump. With the revolver in your hoodie pocket, you and Ellie walk to the front door. You lead the way.
“Joel?” You question through the door. No one responds. You don’t have a peep hole to look out or nothing. You turn to Ellie and she’s staring at the window in the dining room. She's not speaking. She's just pointing and she's...shaking? You turn your head to see what she sees and the sight is bone chilling.
Jacob is in the window. Looking in. Right at you and Ellie. Smiling . His face still all battered and beaten like Connie’s but worse. Your heart starts to race and your stomach falls into your ass. Why was he here?
He’s gone before you can even react to it. Less than two seconds later there is another knock, louder. More demanding.
“It’s me. Lemme in.” Joel’s voice is on the other side of the door.
“Jackie is outside! He was just looking in the fucking window! He's still out there, Joel!” You shout out through the door to him, your voice cracking in fear. You’re shaking. Your hands, your legs. Ellie is clinging to you. She hasn’t said a single word since you came out of the bedroom.
You can hear Joel take off down the front steps. Fuckin’ get him, Joel.
“Go back upstairs. Please.” You turn to Ellie now and her eyes are wide with fear. So are yours. That was terrifying.
“I’m not fucking going back up there alone.” Ellie exclaims, holding onto your arm tighter. You’re frozen. Thinking if the backdoor is locked. It definitely is. Joel always locks it before bed. Always. You run into the kitchen anyway, holding Ellie close to you. It is still locked.
Joel is pounding on the door, shouting for you to let him in.
“Did you get him?” You ask Joel, locking the door behind him as soon as he is inside.
“Sonofabitch ran into Ava’s house. She’s got him locked up in there tight. Didn’t even let me get up the driveway before she was pointin’ her shotgun at me. Threatin’ me.” Joel is panting. He was running. Running, running.
“She’s just okay with some woman beating-stalker living in her house? Cool. She is a giant piece of shit. No doubt about it now.”
“ Crazy .” Joel shakes his head. “Almost shot me. C’mere.” Joel takes you and Ellie in his arms.
You fall asleep in the big bed. Ellie’s the littlest spoon, you’re in the middle. Joel sits behind the two of you, unable to fall asleep because he’s trying to figure out how to get Jackie out of that house. To a place where he and Tommy can finish what Jackie started the other night. Especially now that he went as far as to beat Connie and peep into the windows of Joel’s home.
The next morning is quiet and awkward and you can’t even look out the windows because you’re afraid of what face might be in them when you look.
“What was Jacob doing outside last night? Was he looking for Aunt Connie? Did he do that to her? Isn’t that her brother?” Ellie asks at the table. You let Joel handle this. You cannot talk about it. You have a lump in your throat and frustrated tears in your eyes after the night you had last night. One hand rubs across your stomach anxiously.
“Bug, I know you wanna help your Aunt Con, but you just gotta focus on being safe out there. This place… it might not be as safe as we all thought.” Joel admits. It makes your heart pang because there is another, new, small, still developing heart inside of you that you need to protect from all of this now too.
“I can protect myself. I know how.” Ellie sounds offended that he would even say that. She knows better.
“You’re gonna need to be able to protect Mom too, if I’m ever not here.” Joel nods to the hunting rifle leaning in the corner of the dining room. “I know you know how to use that. I trust you, Mom trusts you. It stays out here from now on.” Joel is giving her his serious dad eyes. You feel like you’re going to throw up.
“Are… we in trouble?” Ellie looks at Joel very concerned. Almost scared.
“Not with you lookin’ after us.” Joel gives her a slow-motioned punch on the chin playfully. She smirks and then looks you up and down and stops smirking.
“Does Jacob wanna hurt mom?” Ellie’s worried, it’s in her eyes. All over her face.
“No. I don’t think so. I think he’s just bein’ an ass. Tryin’ to scare her.” Joel explains while you sit beside him, looking at Ellie with sad eyes. She doesn’t deserve to be going through all this. Dealing with this? No.
“Does he wanna hurt you? Is that why you guys were fighting that one night at the town hall?” Ellie won’t let up with the questions. You don’t blame her. You also have ten million questions but you doubt Joel has the answers.
“Bug. I try and be honest with you when I can so I will be right now. Jacob is weird. He doesn’t like me or your mom for some reason.”
“Does that mean he doesn’t like me? What’s he gonna try to do to me?” Ellie asks nervously. Joel grabs her hand.
“Nothing. He’s gonna do nothin’ to you. He knows better than that, Ellie. He knows what me and your mom would do to him if he tried.”
“How are you gonna do it? ‘Cause I’m just going to go over there and shoot them both in the head.” You whisper quietly. Joel shakes his head and places his hands on your belly. It’s that night and you’re upstairs on the second floor in the other bedroom. Joel brought the big bed up here. You’re too scared to sleep on the first floor now.
“No. We’re stayin’ a family. Whole. Mom’s not going to the one jail cell we got.”
“He deserves that jail cell.” You roll your eyes.
“Jackie is gettin’ a grave, baby. A deep one.” Joel closes his eyes and lays down in the bed next to you. He rubs his hands over his face.
“Joel!” You exclaim.
“What? I though–”
You grab Joel’s hand and place it on a spot on your belly down near your hip. A kick, just a little one. Then another.
“Shut up.” Joel holds his hand there and smiles softly. “First ones?” You nod down at him with a smile.
“S’really in there.” You giggle excitedly. “Didn’t really believe it until now,” You laugh softly and touch your own hands to the top of your stomach. “Damn. We’re really gonna have a baby in a couple months.” All thoughts of fear and Jacob Harris are out of your heads at this moment.
“I know. I shouldn’t be complain’ ‘bout how much you wanna fuck me now, ‘cause once that baby comes you’re gonna hate me. Won’t let me near you ever again.” Joel sounds like he already misses you.
“Oh? Is that what happens?” You run your fingers through his hair. He’s resting his head on your scarred thigh.
“Yep. Won’t even want me to look at you. You’ll be sleepin’ in here with Ellie n’ the baby and I’ll be down on the couch.” Joel is chuckling now.
“You are dramatic. Do you remember the time you came too—” Joel puts his hand over your mouth despite you talking behind it.
“That never happened. You are imagining things, Bird. I’ve never not made you come. Stop sayin’ I did. You’re lyin’.”
“That’s your bit.” You bite at his fingers.
“Ouch. You got my finger n’ that hurt my feelings. Good job. Now, I am gonna sleep on the couch.” Joel rolls over and wraps his arms around you. “I love you so fuckin’ much. I didn’t think this was possible, Birdie. I really didn’t. Not now. Not after everything. You and Ellie and this baby are the best things that have happened to me since the outbreak. I mean it.” He kisses your shoulder gently. “Will you marry me, Bird? I don’t have a ring. I look every time I go out and haven’t been ab–”
“Yes. I don’t need a ring. I want to marry you with or without one.”
“I’m gettin’ you one. I just couldn’t wait anymore. I want you to be my wife.”
Notes:
Chapter 12: The Hammer
Summary:
A plan is made.
You have a conversation. A good one.
Notes:
OKAY Trigger WARNING: blood talk, graphic depictions of violence.
the hammer - kublai khan tx
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Connie, Lucas, Tommy, Maria, Shan and her husband Billy, Joel and yourself all sat around your kitchen table. Ellie was at Dina’s.
“She’s keeping him locked up in her house, doesn’t make him leave. Brings him everything he could need.” Joel looks at all the men around the table. “This kid wants to play stupid games let’em win stupid prizes.”
“None of us can even get Ava to talk to us to try and lure her out of the house long enough for one of you or all of you to bust in there to drag Jacob’s ass out.” Shan sighs, leaning back in her chair. “Once we found out about what he did to Connie, I went over there myself and tried to get Ava to come to the bar with me. Said no. Slammed the door in my face. Billy was gonna break the door down and shoot Jacob dead for what he did to her.” Shan says this and everyone turns to look at her. None of you knew this.
“What?” Joel turns to Billy now and gives him an astonished look. Billy is a nice guy, not the smartest but Shan loves him regardless.
“It was my idea.” Shan explains. “Connie is like my little sister. I know Bird would have been over there with a shotgun if she wasn’t pregnant.” Shan is right. If you hadn’t been pregnant, you would have been the one to smash her door down with Billy.
“S’yall are really gonna kill him?” Connie stares at everyone in the room. “I don’t know how I feel ‘bout all that. I know what he did was fucked up but, he’s been in my life for almost–”
“And look what he did to your face, Connie.” You bring your hand down harder on the table than you mean to and Connie flinches at the sound of it. “He went around and told everyone we had been mentally stunted. Made us and the men we love look like fuckin’ fools.” You look at Lucas who has his arm around her. He’s pressed his mouth to her ear and is whispering unheard words. He seems to be calming her down.
“I know you care for him, Connie. I know. There isn’t anything wrong with that. He’s been in your life for a long time, but what happens when he doesn’t stop next time? What happens when he does it to someone else? You want to be scared walking down the street everyday?” Maria grabs Connie’s hand and holds it tightly. “You deserve more than being scared. Fearful for what’s around the corner.”
“Connie, we want to do this. There’s more to it than just him beatin’ on you. We’re all here tonight because we need to come up with a plan. We need to get him out of that house and outside that wall.” Tommy explains. “We weren’t going to let him get away with what he said about you n’ Bird. No. We were okay with waiting though. Now he does this to you—”
“Done waiting.” Joel cuts in. “Wanted to look into my windows and scare my daughter and my Bird? Wanted to beat up on lil Connie? Done waiting.” He grabs your hand and squeezes it gently. You sigh, you’re tired. You haven't slept in three days. Ellie won’t sleep in her room alone. She sleeps in bed with you and Joel. Joel barely sleeps now too. He’s always on patrol. Always looking out the windows, checking.
That was one of the scariest things you've ever seen. You’ve dealt with…so much. You’ve seen so much in your life. Jacob Harris staring into your dining room window– smiling the way he was– was the scariest thing you’ve ever seen. He looked crazy. His eyes were wide, you could see the whites of his eyeballs. They were so wide. His smile was not kind or inviting. It was like he was smiling so hard his cheeks were hurting him. Like someone had attached invisible strings to the corners of his mouth and were pulling them back and up as hard as they could from behind him.
“Summer vacation just started yesterday. Ava’s not gone for more than ten, fifteen minutes at a time. I watched.” You pipe up. “From Ellie’s room I can see her front door. I watched all day yesterday.” Which was true. You stayed up there literally all day. Only left to pee. Brought all the snacks and water you could need.
“Enough time for us to get in there–” Billy starts but Tommy cuts him off.
“You guys had a good idea, bustin’ in there. He’s gonna be strapped though. He’s got artillery.” Tommy sighs and puts his elbows on the table. “What I’m gonna suggest is… not subtle. People are gonna hear about it. It’ll force Jackie out though.” Tommy looks at Joel. “Smoke him out. If he doesn’t wanna face us. He can burn.”
Joel nods, looks at Billy and Lucas with eyes you don’t understand. You don’t speak silent patrol eye talking. Then Joel looks back at Tommy, saying nothing.
“It’s messy. People know we have it out for him, hell, most of the town does. Everyone loves Connie.” Joel holds his hand out to her as she leans into Lucas and weeps softly. She’s swollen something bad, even four days later. “I don’t want to do it within the wall. I want to take him outside.” Joel nods.
“Yeah. I know. How you wanna do that?” Tommy is annoyed, because obviously that would just make everyone’s lives easier. Seems impossible though.
“Lure him out.” Joel smirks. “What’s he like the most? Weed n’ booze. I say we set him up.” Joel looks at you. “We gotta get our own rumor started.”
“Shit. Might work.” Tommy snorts, he sounds impressed.
“Y’all could say you found a field of weed. Maybe a bar full of booze somewhere close by?” You suggest. “Whoever volunteers to bring it back can take as much as they can carry when they get back.” You think for a second.
“He’s not going beyond the wall. No matter what’s out there.” Billy shakes his head. “He’s a pussy.”
“Say we already brought it back.” Shan smiles. “Say it’s locked up somewhere. One of those buildings by the bar that haven’t been worked on yet. He’d might try to come snatch it up? If he’s as off his rocker as we think he is.” She looks around the room to see how the crowd has taken this suggestion.
Joel is thinking. You can see it in the lines on his forehead.
“It needs to be personal.” Joel looks at Tommy. “How much weed you got harvested off your crop?” Joel sounds like he has a plan.
“Four or five pounds. Got a bunch of clones in the basement.” Tommy shrugs his shoulders. “Why?”
“We’re movin’ your grow spot for a while.” Joel nods. “We’re not bein’ quiet ‘bout it either. Move it close by. Somewhere he won’t have to go far.” Joel is still nodding like he thinks this might work.
“There is that house on the corner. No one’s in there. We can see it from our place and so can Tommy and Maria. It’s right in between the two of us. It’s perfect. Jacob would be able to see it too. See you guys comin’ and goin’. You look at Joel with hopeful eyes.
“Yep. I think that’s it. The four of us who can see the house are always on watch. One of us will always have a set of eyes on that house.” Joel nods and then looks at Tommy and Maria who are nodding back at him.
“Connie and I could come stay here. Be an extra set of eyes for Bird–” Lucas offers but Shan cuts him off.
“No. You’ll come stay with us. We can see Bird n’ Joel’s house from our living room. One of us will be watching them. Looking for Joel. Might catch Jackie in the process if he wants to take the long way around.” Shan grabs Connie’s hand. “Then you’ll be able to move back into your own house. With Lucas, babe. No worries about ol’ Jacob. Okay?”
Connie nods silently. She hasn’t talked much and that’s unlike her. You’re worried about her. Sad for her.
“We’ll do that. Sounds like a plan.” Lucas agrees with Shan and holds Connie close to him.
“Don’t worry. We’ll get ‘em. I’ll get ‘em for you. I just couldn’t do it alone, Shug.” Lucas whispers to her, you hear him this time. “You’re the most perfect girl I’ve ever met. I’d do anything for you. I mean it.” He’s pressing his forehead against her temple gently, kissing the side of her face as he speaks. She leans into him and you watch her whole body relax. It makes you smile. Feel a little better for her ‘cause she has him.
“We’ll start tomorrow.” Joel stands from the table. “No one else is this town would fuck with me or Tommy. I don’t care who knows about the grow op move. If anyone else does try and fuck with it, they die too. No exceptions. Understood?”
“Woah, Joel, that’s a little extreme, don’t you think?” Maria asks with a raised eyebrow. Tommy puts a hand on her chest and turns to her.
“Anyone willing to steal from us– any of us– not just me and you, deserve it. Don’t argue with me ‘bout this. I mean it.” Tommy makes his point because Maria doesn’t say another word.
“Rest. We got a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”
It’s later that night. Ellie is on the edge of the bed behind you. Joel and you are on the other edge, whispering to each other quietly to not wake her.
“How long has Tommy been growing weed?” You ask, running your hand down his cheek gently. You like how his facial hair tickles your palm. His eyes are closed and he’s enjoying the feeling of you touching him like that.
“A while. He supplies the weed to the medical center for the brownies and joints. Tommy grows, Maria harvests.” You run the tip of your index finger just under his bottom lip as he speaks.
“Do you think this plan is gonna work?” Joel’s eyes stay closed as he nods yes to your question.
“He’s always been slimy. Since before I met you. I think he’ll come n’ try to pinch at least a lil bit. Don’t think he’s stupid or able enough to try and take all of it.” Joel dips his head forward to kiss your fingertip gently.
“What if we don’t catch him?” You’re nervous. You don’t feel safe in your house or this town anymore. You worry for Ellie, who is now being escorted everywhere by someone who is armed. Joel’s hands move across your belly gently as your fingers scritch in his beard. He juts his chin out and lifts it gently so you can scritch-scratch his neck with your fingers. He humms happily.
“Loooove this. Do this all the time.” He groans softly in pleasure. It makes you giggle. Your belly moves in Joel’s hands when you do. “You shook him awake. Now he’s kickin’ me.” Joel smirks down at you.
“Him?” You raise an eyebrow at Joel and frown. “Not she?”
“You want another girl? Do you hate me?” Joel leans in, presses his warm lips to the spot right under your left eye. “ Him . Wyatt.” Joel kisses the other side of your face under your eye. “After my dad.”
“He was a good man?” You ask, leaning in to kiss his jaw gently. He nods and holds his hand over the spot where the baby just kicked you.
“Yes. Me and Tommy loved him. Respected him.” Joel opens his big, brown eyes finally and leans up to press his lips to your forehead. “I’d like to name him after my dad. If you don’t mind.”
“I like it. Wyatt Miller.”
“Birdie Miller. Ellie Miller.” Joel whispers against your forehead. “The Miller Family.”
“What are you going to do if this plan doesn’t work? How long are we all going to be staring out of our front windows?” You whisper into his neck, his lips are still pressed to your forehead.
“I’ll give it a month. If he doesn’t come out by then…we’ll do Tommy’s plan. Late at night when everyone’s asleep. Give ‘em a nice loud wake up call first ‘cause I wanna put my fuckin’ hands on him. I wanna feel him, Bird. I’m gonna strangle the life out of him.” His voice is gravel. So low. So quiet.
“Good. Not even for what he did to me but because of what he did to Connie. Scarin’ our Ellie the way he did. Neither one of them deserved it.” Your blood boils when you think about Connie trying to protect her perfect little face. Her twangy country accent crying out for him to stop. It makes your stomach churn in the worst fucking way. Connie never deserved that. Never. Ellie either. Poor girl should have just stayed upstairs but you called her down because you were scared. You blame yourself for that. You’d do anything to just go back in time and tell her to stay up there, you’d be up when Joel came back.
You’re tired of being scared. Of being frightened.
By men.
First it was your fucking dad. He scared you the most. Then it was the two brothers in that house. Then it was fucking Joel , of all people, thankfully you worked that all out and now you’re not but you were! And now, someone who you had spent the last twenty something years remembering so fondly is one of those men who scares you. You are done being scared of someone who can die just the same way you can. Fuck that. None of them, Joel included, are more scary than you are. No with a gun in your hand. You’ll never not have a gun now.
You’ll always be ready. Keeping Ellie and Wyatt safe. Joel too.
Two weeks go by. No sign of Jackie. You’re all on shifts. Houses darkened, watching out the windows day and night waiting for him. You’ve been glued to the window. You can’t sleep. Doctor called it pregnancy insomnia. Something weird. You don’t care. You’re too jazzed up about all of this to sleep anyway.
Two weeks.
Then it fucking happens. You see him. Slinking across the street. Hoodie covering his face but it’s him. He’s not even on the sidewalk. He’s hugged up tight to the houses across the street. It’s three fourteen am.
“Joel. It’s happening. He’s going for it.” You whisper, not taking your eyes off of him. He runs across the street directly across from your house. Someone in Shan’s house should have seen him. You know Tommy and Maria are watching too. The plan is that no one moves until he goes inside.
Joel is up on his feet. He had been asleep— kinda. Just falling asleep as you spoke. You didn’t feel bad at all though. Joel was ready. Gun on his hip, knife on his belt and another gun tucked into the back of his jeans.
“He in the house yet?” He asked, rubbing his eyes, taking a step towards the door that would lead out into the hallway from Ellie’s room. Joel and Ellie had been laying on her bed while you watched out the window in her room that faced the street now. Jackie was still creeping by houses, staying in the shadows.
“Almost. He’s almost to the corner. Your eyes flash down the street that leads to Shan’s house and Billy and Lucas are already running down the street, they have further to go so they run half way and then wait for Joel to leave his house before moving in any closer. “He’s going in now. Go, go. Now.” You didn’t even need to say now. Joel was already downstairs and out the front door.
The women would stay in the house. Keep an eye out for Ava in case Jacob was trying to set them up. You guys had thought of everything. The only good thing about this was Jacob had no friends in town anymore. Connie didn’t hide out at Lucas’ after Jacob beat her. No. She went around and showed everyone and when they asked, Connie fuckin’ told them. She blew his ass in with no remorse.
You watch as Joel runs out the front door, you see Tommy running out his door to meet him. Billy and Lucas start running the rest of the way down the street. This is falling right into place. You don’t leave Ellie’s room. She’s still asleep. Ava stays in her house. She might be watching, you don’t know but she doesn’t leave.
Joel and Tommy get to the house first, guns drawn. They each take an entrance and wait for Lucas and Billy. When they get there, Luas opens the front door and Joel is the first one in, then Lucas. Billy and Tommy get into the house through the back door. Then it is just quiet. You hold your breath.
The grow op is down in the basement, so you don’t have any clear view of what's going on, not even through the windows. It’s frustrating. You don’t hear any gunshots. You don’t see any flashes of light through the little bricks of glass that are windows of basements. Nothing. For so long. The men are in the house for three hours.
You never leave the window.
Joel comes out of the front door and Tommy is right behind him. You see Tommy wave in the direction of his house to come. You know Maria is still watching too. Joel doesn’t come right home, he walks down the street towards Shan’s house until you see Connie and Shan run out and start towards your place. Joel waits for them, walking behind them and keeping his head on a swivel while he herds the women back to your house.
This is when you leave Ellie’s room. When Tommy and Maria get there, Maria has baby Tomas in her arms, he’s awake. He’s perfect. His complexion is a mix of Tommy and Maria’s. He’s got a head of thick black hair. Dark eyes just like both of them.
“What happened? Where are Lucas and Billy? Are they okay? Was Jacob still there?” Shan asks, out of breath as soon as Joel shuts the front door.
“Please stop talking. Just listen, okay?.” Joel sighs and rubs his hands down his face. Shan nods and sits down on the edge of the couch, knees pressed together. She’s nervous. You don’t blame her. They were in there for so long. “They’re both fine. Thing’s didn’t… really– Jackie is still alive down there. We have him tied up.” Joel admits. It sounds like he didn’t want to tell you that.
“What were you doin’ down there for—” Connie starts to ask but Joel shakes her head no at him.
“Don’t worry about it.” You notice the blood on Joel’s knuckles because you looked for the first time. They’re torn up. Bruised too. When he turns back to face everyone you see the blood spatter on his neck and forehead. It’s all over him, honestly. You turn to Tommy who is standing beside Maria, with one hand on her waist and his knuckles look the same way.
They beat him down there.
Good.
“So now what? You’re gonna kill him? Leave him–” Shan starts but Joel interjects.
“If you’ll let me finish, please, just stop.” He’s frustrated. “The four of us are supposed to go scouting in three days. We’ll take him out of here then. Two people need to be at the house until we leave or he dies down there.” Joel sighs.
“More shifts. Just us guys though. You ladies just relax. We’ll take it from here. You guys did a killer fuckin’ job though. No sign of Ava?” Tommy’s voice is reassuring. It calms you down a little. Joel is beside you, his hand touches your stomach gently. You look up at his blood spattered face. Tommy continues to tell everyone else what the plan is as he speaks down to you softly.
“I’m tired, Bird.” He sounds tired. He rests his head on yours and leans against you gently.
Everyone has gone home. Lucas and Billy will be on first watch while Joel and Tommy rest. You’re in the shower with him, washing Jacob Harris’ blood off of his face and neck and hands.
“He hurtin’ real bad right now?” You whisper up to him as you gently wipe a rag across his forehead.
“Yeah. If he can feel anything at all, he’s hurtin’.” Joel has his eyes closed as you wash him. The water is cold, but now it’s hot in the house. It feels good on your clammy skin. You bet it feels good on Joel’s hands too but they’re pressed against your belly, moving them around slowly.
“Good.”
When Joel is clean you take his flaccid length in your hands and start to stroke him gently. The water doesn’t really make anything slippery, surprisingly, but it’s okay. You don’t plan on keeping him in your hands for long.
“Bird.” Joel sighs breathlessly as you squeeze his cock at the base gently and tug upwards slowly. Your thumb teases his seam as your hand reaches the head of him. “Fuck.” You can feel him getting harder in your hands. It doesn’t take you long to get him fully there.
“I wanna make you feel good for protecting your family the way you do.” You whisper to him.
That’s when you kneel down carefully and take him into your mouth. Your lips wrap around the red tip, trailing your tongue along his slit, tasting his salty bitterness already teasing your tongue. Joel puts his hands in your hair and guides you down on his cock. You relax like he taught you as he reaches the back of your throat. “No babygirl. Just get me warmed up. I need to be inside you. Need to feel that pretty cunt on me.” Joel moans softly as he pulls you back off his cock slowly. You use the flat of your tongue to drag along the underside of his shaft.
Joel pulls you off his cock completely. He tilts your head to look up at him.
“Do you want me to open up, Daddy?” You ask softly, looking up at him through your eyelashes. Joel nods silently, watching as you open your mouth for him. Joel leans over, pushes his mouth almost into yours and spits onto your tongue.
“You like calling me Daddy?” Joel whispers into your open mouth, his hands still in your hair. You nod up at him and close your mouth, your lips pressing against his tightly as you swallow.
“Yes.” You mumble against his mouth. He kisses you back softly, then kisses just under your nose, underneath both of your eyes and then kisses your forehead gently.
“You are fuckin’ filthy n’ perfect. Beautiful.” Joel growls against your forehead. “Get up and turn around, babygirl.” Joel guides you very gently to your feet by your hair, his other hand holding yours for support as you get off your knees. “Careful– yeah. Perfect.” He really steadies you and makes sure your legs and knees are okay before kissing the side of your face. “I fuckin’ adore you. Put y’hands on the fuckin’ wall.” Joel growls in your ear softly.
Between your legs is fucking dripping because its all the best of the dirty talk and the gentle talk all wrapped up into one. You turn around with Joel’s hand still in your hair, his free hand now finds your hip.
“I love your fuckin’ perfect, filthy cunt. Y’know that? So fuckin’ perfect.” Joel whispers as he takes his hand from your hair to guide his cock into your perfect, filthy cunt. You are fucking soaked in every single way when he does it. As soon as the entirety of him is inside of you, he puts his hand on your other hip and grips you tightly.
“I love getting fucked like this. I love when you talk to me like that, holy shit .” You groan, resting your forehead on the cool tile of the shower wall. “I love when your cock’s inside me.” Joel moves his hips slowly, careful with his fragile Birdie now that she’s expecting. You moan and push your hips back against his forcefully. This makes Joel moan softly and grip you tighter.
“You want me to really move, Birdie?” Joel leans over, pulling you back against him so you can’t pull away and fuck yourself on his cock before he can tease you the way he wants. His lips kiss up your spine slowly. Joel flexes his cock and makes it twitch inside of you. It moves enough to graze that spongy spot inside you a tiny bit and pulls a little breath from your lungs. Joel chuckles and does it again.
“Please. I need it. I wanna c-c-come so bad.” Joel flexes himself inside of you rapidly, making you stutter over the pleasure.
“Oh, does baby wanna c-c-come? T-T-Too bad.” Joel mocks you, giving your ass a firm smack. “You’ll wait ‘till Daddy’s ready, babygirl. I’m just keepin’ my cock warm right now.” Joel growls against your back. You whine softly and fight with him to pull your hips away. Joel’s hips just follow yours until you can’t pull away from him anymore. “Git back here.” Joel chuckles against your back. “Bein’ come stupid, git back here.” Joel pulls himself from within you until just the tip of him is at your entrance and then with force he drives himself back into you. Your skin slaps together wetly.
“Fuck, Daddy. ” You whine as your walls clench down around him at the sudden pleasure between your legs. Joel continues those forceful drives forward into you. His hands leave your hips and grope your swollen tits. He squeezes them gently as he rocks his hips into yours.
“Fuckin’ come hungry.” Joel growls into the back of your neck. “S’what you are. Come hungry lil slut for Daddy, right babygirl?” Joel’s hips are flush to your ass as he grinds his body against yours, flexing himself inside of you as he moves his middle in a circle against yours.
You hum happily because you can’t find words or thoughts or anything. You only know that Joel inside of you and his thumb and index finger pinching and tugging gently at your puffy, sensitive nipples.
“Keep hummin’, I love makin’ you sing, Birdie.’ He’s smiling in your ear, you can hear it in his voice. He thrusts into you with short, shallow thrusts. Your forehead slides up and down the wall slightly as he does it. You do, you hum in pleasure with every thrust Joel gives you. “Joel reaches down with one hand and starts to give you even more pleasure as he strums his fingers across your clit. “Gush on me. I gotta feel you come on me.” Joel moans in your ear quietly as he keeps his pace on your clit quick like his slamming thrusts into you.
“Yes. Yes.” You whimper, feeling that warm feeling washing over you from the toes up. It does make you gush all over Joel’s cock and thighs. You shudder and your knees buckle as he uses his strong arms to hold you up from behind. “It’s s-so good, Daddy,” You’re groaning as Joel pulls himself off your body and stands straight.
“Fuck, baby.” Joel whispers as his fingers bite into the fleshy cheeks of your ass. “Love filling this pussy.” He growls lowly as his pace slows, his thrusts end with a small roll against your ass before he thrusts into you again slower than before. “Love comin’ inside you. Fuck.”
Joel leans over and kisses your spine again gently.
“Love you, Birdie. So fuckin’ much.” Joel pants into your ear softly as you keep your hands on the tile wall.
“I love you.” You whisper, forehead still pressed against the tile as well. You turn your head and rest your cheek against it. “So much. Take my pregnant ass to bed.”
Two days have gone by. It’s Joel’s turn on guard duty. You’re going to see Jacob. Ellie is with Maria and baby Tomas. Everything is telling you to not go into that basement. You’re not going to like it. It’s going to fuck you up. It’ll mess you up real bad. But you’re going to do it. Joel doesn’t know you’re on your way over. He’s just inside the front door when you come up on the porch. You can see in his face he doesn’t want you to be here.
“What’re you doin’?” Joel growls through the screen door. “Go home.” You shake your head at him and rest your hands on the top of your growing bump.
“I have something to say to him. I’d like him to hear it.” You look at Joel through the screen door. He shakes his head like it should be very obvious to you that he isn’t going to let you in.
“I’ll relay the message.” Joel gawks at you.
“Let me in that fuckin’ house right now.” You hiss at him. Joel opens the screen door and calls Tommy. They switch guard positions. Tommy had been downstairs with Jacob. Joel goes down the stairs first, his gun drawn already.
Jacob is tied to a chair. He has fabric of some kind stuffed into his mouth. He’s unrecognizable. You’re honestly surprised he’s still alive, let alone awake. Joel stands at the bottom of the stairs as you pull a chair up in front of him. He’s bloody. If he has any skin left on his face that isn’t bruised or swollen or cut open from fists connecting with it, you can’t see it.
“Hey Jackie.” You whisper quietly.
You get emotional. You didn’t want to but it’s hard. You’re pregnant. Your first love is sitting half dead in front of you. He tries to say something but the fabric keeps him from talking. You want to take it out, but you don’t. You don’t need to hear whatever lies he’s going to tell you.
“I’m not here to listen. I’m here to talk. You can listen if you want.” You wipe the tears from your eyes. “There isn’t much to get excited about out here anymore. Lil things. Simple things.” You start, your eyes lock onto the one he can open. “I was excited to see you. I was excited to talk about my family with you. My sister and brother. Everyone who ever knew them is dead and I was excited to be able to give you a little slice of home too.” You can stop your face from twisting up because you’re trying not to cry. “Reminisce with you. I wish that things could have been different— that you could have just been fuckin’ normal.” You’re whispering. “Whatever happened to you out there with your dad and really fucked you up. It makes me sad for you.I hate that this is what’s happening to you. You could have just been a good man. What did I do? Because I didn’t kiss you in the greenhouse? Joel didn’t manipulate me…you did. You took advantage of me when I was sad and vulnerable. Lied to me. Put distrust in my heart for someone who does care for me. Then talk about grooming.” You spit on him. A good one. Thick. It lands on his bottom lip and chin. “Fuck you. Grooming. Almost had us thinking that’s what happened. Almost got us.” You lean in and pull the knife you had hidden in your belt and bring it down into the top of Jacob’s thigh.
The scream this man let out through the fabric was so loud and came so deep from within him, that you’re sure most of the surrounding houses heard. It makes Tommy start down the stairs but Joel must wave him away. You don’t know. You watch how Jacob’s swollen and bloody face contorted in pain. His one good eye shuts tight. Then you twist it and watch as he does it all over again. When you had this plan, you didn’t think Joel would let you keep the knife in long enough to twist it. Jacob is panting. Tears are falling down his cheeks. He weeps softly.
“Do you still think I was groomed?” You ask him quietly. Jackie doesn’t respond. No shake or nod of his head. No grunt or hum from his throat. Nothing. You twist the knife in the other direction and Jacob screeches and struggles to get free from his restraints. “Do you still think that I was groomed? Answer me. I can do this all night and you have a whole other leg.” You threaten him. Jacob shakes his head no. You pull the knife from his leg slowly. He whimpers the entire time. You do stab him in the other thigh. You cannot help it. Over his screaming you whisper into his ear as you stand. “This one is for Connie.” You twist the knife fast in one direction and then the other just as quickly. The sound Jacob makes is sickening.
You have to leave this basement. You’re going to throw up. The sound and feeling the knife made inside his leg was something you’ll never forget. Never in your whole life. Joel is racing up behind you as you make your way up the stairs. You make it as far as the kitchen sink before you lose all the lunch you were able to eat. Which wasn’t much.
“What the fuck was that? You said you wanted to talk–” Joel is scolding you.
“You asked me never to hit you. Please go away. Right now. I need you to leave me alone.” You snap at him. You don’t really know why you said that because you were really in no position to hit Joel, nor did you want to! You’re just overwhelmed!
“Whatever. Clean that shit out of the sink before you go.” Joel leaves the kitchen and you turn the water on, rinsing your sickness down the drain. You want to go home but your legs feel like they have cement attached to them. You press one hand to the top of your stomach and sigh. It was dumb but you were mad. You just wanted something from the past to bring you some sort of comfort and the man turns around and does that to you? Fuck that.
You don’t even say goodbye to Joel when you leave, you just go get Ellie from Maria’s house. You and her lay in bed for the rest of the day. It’s hot so you don’t snuggle but you lay there, with your pinky touching hers gently.
“What did you do just now? Why did I have to go to Aunt Maria’s?” She asks quietly in the shaded darkness of your room.
“Squeak. You’re going to be fifteen next week. I’m going to be honest with you about what I did just now, but when I tell you…you can’t ask me any questions about it okay? You gotta just listen, take it in and accept it. Never speak of it again. Okay? You can interpret it however you want.” You wrap your pinky around hers and sigh. “I had to say goodbye to an old friend. Had to get some closure. Okay? That’s it. Take a nap with me? Baby is making me tired.”
“Okay.” Ellie listens to your instructions and closes her eyes next to you. “Love you more than any obstacle.” She whispers.
“Love you more than any fight.” You whisper back to her.
Notes:
if everyone is highly against this name I chose out of thin air because I couldn't find out Joel's dads name on the internet--weird ass search history-- please let me know. I don't know if I'm even fully sold on it and if you all are going to hate reading it, i'll fucking change it. just throw me a comment. lmao I'm so serious. love you all
Chapter 13: All Our Bruised Bodies and the Whole Heart Shrinks
Summary:
Ellie's birthday is coming up, she tells you what she wants.
Joel takes Jackie outside the wall.
Notes:
GIRL TRIGGER WARNING.
murder graphic depictions of it, got damn
all our bruised bodies and the whole heart shrinks- la dispute
^^ I'll never tell any of you to listen to a song. Don't listen to my shitty music.
Unless I think it fits the chapter and I think this one fits the chapter so good. I'd listen once things start taking place outside of the wall. :3
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Joel came home the next day and crawled into bed beside you. His hand snaked over your side and rested carefully on your stomach.
“Sorry.” He mumbles softly. He’s been so tired after doing guard duty. His hands always have new scrapes and bruises when he comes home. All the women say their men come home with new blood stains and new cuts on their fists. This is the last day. All the men leave a couple hours. Tommy and Joel will bring horses to Lucas and Billy and in the dead of night they will sneak Jackie out. They have friends working the gate tonight.
“Don’t be. I’m sorry. I was just angry. Never got a chance to tell him how mad I was.” You whisper. Ellie is sleeping in front of you. She’s close so you don’t want to wake her up.
“You wanted to hit me?” Joel sighs sadly. You shake your head and press your hand on top of his.
“No. I was just…feeling a lot. Brain was goin’ a mile a minute. You were gonna yell at me–”
“I understand. I didn’t like it though. Don’t say that shit again unless you fuckin’ mean it, Bird. I don’t like it.” Joel presses his forehead to the back of your head. “Birdie… pl–” Joel stops and presses his body against you tightly. “Please don’t hurt me. I’ll do my best to always keep you safe. Never break your heart. Never leave. I’ll never put my hands on you.” Joel speaks quietly into the nape of your neck. “Please don’t do those things to me, Birdie. I love you too much. It’d kill me.”
Joel sounds like he’s emotional. Also smells a little bit like whiskey. You don’t blame him for needing a drink. What you saw in that basement made you need a drink. You couldn’t have one. You’re glad Joel is going to sleep well. He always does when he drinks. Don’t like that he gets so emotional. Overly emotional. He has a right to be upset about what you said. He has trauma.
Joel won’t tell you this but he gets emotional because he doesn’t know how to talk to you unless he’s drunk. He’ll open up about certain things. Have certain tones about them when he’s sober. It all comes out when he’s drunk. His past. His fears. Joel was never scared until you saw him drunk! If he was scared he never showed it. He can’t hide it drunk. Can’t even attempt it.
Joel was never scared until you and Ellie showed up. Had nothing to be scared of. Now he’s got something to lose? Hates it. Gets drunk and thinks all about all the terrible things that could happen to you two– three! Shit. Joel knows he shouldn’t be drinking but this is the first time in a while that he hasn’t had to… think? Everything in Joel’s life after the outbreak had been go, go, go. Non-stop. For over twenty years. For the first time since then, Joel can lay his head down at night peacefully. Had been at least until Jacob Harris wanted to act fucking crazy.
Now he gets drunk and instead of it quieting all the noise in his brain… it’s being amplified. Louder than ever—the terrible things he’s done, the people he killed. Toeing the line that so many in this new world struggled with. The morals of the old world had been forgotten– lost in the outbreak were still embedded into Joel’s head. Morals and actions of survival don’t always go hand in hand. You can’t have morals if you want to survive. So Joel pushed them way far back in his brain where they were forgotten…until he drank.
This new world vs. old world shit had been taking a toll on Joel for a while. Falling in love with you and caring for Ellie the way he does… makes this all so much harder.
You turn around in Joel’s arms and your belly presses against his stomach.
“I’m sorry. I’ll never hit you or hurt you. I promise.” You whisper and press your lips to his softly. He’s definitely drunk. Whiskey all over his breath. “Go to sleep. You gotta be rested up for tonight, baby.” Joel sinks down into the mattress next to you as you lay on your back, resting his head on your chest. You scratch his scalp with your fingernails. He groans and rubs your belly.
“I’m gonna kill’m tonight. He’s still alive down there. We kept him alive.” Joel murmurs into your chest and your heart and stomach pang and clench. You wanted Jacob to die. You wanted him to hurt, yes. But torturing someone…it’s not sitting well inside of you.
“Just make it fast. You hurt him enough, Joel. I mean it. Don’t drag it out anymore. Been three days.” You're trying not to cringe. You know Joel didn’t mean to tell you that. He doesn’t share that kind of information freely.
“S’what you want?” Joel tilts his head to look up at you with glassy eyes. You nod down at him.
“Yeah. We’re not those kind of people, baby. We like justice. We like seein’ people get what they deserve. We’re not monsters. We’re not like him. I mean it.” Your voice is quiet but stern with him. He nods and closes his yes.
“You’re not a monster, Birdie. I might be.” He sighs quietly and falls asleep with his rough, strong, bruised and tattered hand on your belly, feeling the baby fluttering around inside you. You were almost if not already six months pregnant. You didn’t have much further to go. Things were getting real. This town would be safe again. You could go back to normal life.
Ava didn’t scare any of you. None of the four families that participated in this plan that had been hatched liked Ava or cared if she told people what happened. No one really cared. And if no one had seen it happen…they couldn’t necessarily prove anything. Jackie just could have just got up and slunk out one night. No one knew. No one had seen Jacob in so long they all thought he was already gone.
That jam-making, scum-loving, man-theivin’ cunt could sit in that house alone and be fucking misersable. You and Joel weren’t sending Ellie back to that school anyway. Ms. Babs would tutor her here on the weekends the best she could and you’d home school her… even though you don’t know what you should be teaching her. You two will learn together.
Ellie rolls over and you see her slit her eyes and look at you and Joel sneakily. You cover her eyes with your hand and she smirks.
“What do you want for your birthday, Squeaker-beaker?” You ask Ellie quietly, Joel is snoring softly on your chest. She shrugs and pushes your hand away from her eyes gently. She keeps her head resting on the pillows and rubs the sleep off her face with her hands. She yawns big and it makes you smirk. “You have nothin’ you want? Joel and I will find it for you.” You smirk down at her. “We’d give you the whole darn world if we could, Squeak. The whole thing.” She tries to hold back her smile but you see it.
“Anything?” She whispers curiously. She does have something in mind. Sounds nervous to push though. You nod down at her silently. “I wanna go…outside the wall. With Dad. For a little. Just a scouting mission with him or something.” Her eyes are taking in the expression on your face which is pure horror. Your small young baby child girl wants to go back out into the dangerous wilderness. Is she absolutely insane? “I’d be really careful. I’d listen to everything he says. I promise.” You want to tell her no…but you have a feeling Joel will say yes.
“I’ll talk to him about it.” You run the hand that isn’t locked into Joel’s hair through hers and brush it away from her face. “You’d better be careful. I don’t know what I would do if anything happened to either of you.” You murmur, looking all across her ever changing and maturing face. Too grown. She should still be a baby. Gonna be fifteen.
She falls back asleep while you brush your fingers through her hair.
The three of you– soon to be four of you lay there quietly. You don’t sleep. You think about what the future holds.
When Ellie finally wakes up for the day, the two of you spend the day cleaning the house. She cleans the kitchen while you work on straightening up the kitchen and dining room. There is a small, quiet knock at your door.
It’s Ava. She is crying. Looking a little distraught. You have your revolver tucked into the stretchy band of your pants.
“What?” You ask coldly. Ellie shows up next to you at the door. You look down at her and nod her upstairs. “Go wait with Dad. I mean it, now.” She doesn’t protest.
You look Ava up and down. She doesn’t look armed. She’s in a purple tanktop and shorts like she just rolled out of bed.
“I know ya’ll got’m. I know you do.” She weeps softly. “I know he’s in that house.” She points to the house on the corner where Jacob is suffering in the basement. “I know y'all gonna kill’m. I know. I understand why too.” She is sobbing softly. You don’t say anything but you do step outside and shut the front door in case Ellie is eavesdropping.
“Don’t know what you’re talkin’ ‘bout.” You whisper to her just as coldly. “Quit cryin’ so loud.” You snap. Ava tries to compose herself.
“I know he was bein’ real crazy. I told’m not to come over here that night. Not to go lookin’ for trouble with you n’ Joel. Wouldn’t end well for us. He didn’t wanna listen. Drunk all the time.” She wipes her eyes and looks at you for empathy. She will find none.
“You know what he did to Connie. You had to have heard about it. Lil Connie. His sister.” You snarl at Ava. “You hid him in your house. Wouldn’t let us near him. You’re just as bad as he is.” Ava sobs again quietly.
“I know. I know. I was scared. Of you all. Of Jacob. Of all of this. I just wanted safety and someone to fall asleep next to, Bird! You got that! You got all of it!” She exclaims wildly. “I’m almost forty three years old, Birdie. I want a family, too. I wanted that. I really did. I thought Jacob was gon’ give it to me.” Ava has snot dripping from her nose, tears rolling down her cheeks. “I’m sorry, Bird. I am. Real sorry. I just wanna say goodbye to him. That’s all. I just wanna say goodbye.” She’s pleading now. “I won’t tell no one what they did. I just wanna say goodbye to him, Birdie. Please let me say goodbye to him. I do care ‘bout him. I do. He wasn’t always crazy, Bird. You know that. You knew him before all this fuckin’ shit.” She throws her hands up in exasperation.
You did know him before all this fuckin’ shit. Ava is right. He wasn’t always like this.
“I’ll talk to Joel. It’s up to him. Him alone.” You whisper to her. “If you try anything funny– you try to hurt Joel or anything–” You press both of your hands to the top of your pregant stomach. “You’ll be the one tied up in the basement. Not Jacob. And I’ll be the one with torn up knuckles and blood all over my face. Not Joel. If he even agrees to all this.”
Ava reaches for you but you pull away and wrinkle your brows at her. She drops her hands to her side but she’s smiling softly.
“Thank you, Bird. You’re good. Too good for this place. Thank you. I really hope you talk to him for me. I just wanna say goodbye.” She looks thankful.
“Go home. If he says yes, it’ll happen tonight.”
Joel is stirring from his sleep. You’re sitting cross legged on the bed next to him. You’ve been quietly waiting for him to wake up for an hour. You walked Ellie to Dina’s house and came back to wait. You needed to talk to him.
“Scary.” Joel says through slitted eyes. “You sittin’ in bed, staring at me like that?” Joel rubs his eyes sleepily. “What’d I do? Why’re you mad at me now?” Joel yawns and stretches. His whole body shakes softly when he does.
“Not mad.” You reassure him. “I’m happy. I mean it. I love you. Nothin’s changed since you feel asleep this morning.” Your hand reaches out and touches the warm skin on his stomach. He has put on a little weight since you’ve been here. His face has filled out just a little. Holds it well. Looks good on him. “We gotta talk though. ‘Boutta couple things before you leave tonight.”
Joel sighs. You reach behind you and hand him the coffee you made him off your nightstand. Joel takes a sip and immediately spits it back into the cup.
“It’s so cold.” Joel looks up at you with disgust.
“Well…yeah I made it an hour ago. I’ve been waiting for you to wake up.” You explain nicely. Joel shakes his head and sets the coffee down on the nightstand behind him.
“Well that was nice of you, Birdie-girl. I appreciate it.” He touches your knee gently and sits up full in the bed. “What’s on your mind, baby?”
“Ava came to visit me this afternoon.” You start. Joel furrows his brows. You shake your head and continue to speak. “She wants to say goodbye. I know I shouldn't care…but I don’t know. She just seems real sad. I don’t think she’ll try anything funny. But I could be wrong. I told her that I would ask you. Told her it was your decision.” Joel scans your face with his eyes for a while.
“No.” You don’t argue. That was his choice. Not yours. You told Ava that. Joel stares at you while you stare back at him. “What else we gotta talk about?” Joel doesn’t seem very happy to be awake anymore but, you press on.
“Ellie’s birthday is soon. You got anything for her?” Joel nods. “What is it?” He hasn’t brought anything home to hide for her.
"I got her a guitar." Joel smiles. You smirk remembering their conversation on the road. "And I found an astronauts helmet. That can be from both of us." This was so nice. You were just going to bake Ellie a nice pie because you cannot go and scout for things for her. But you're in shock at how he thought to get her something from you too.
“Where did you find that?” You’re in awe at your amazing future husband.
“There is an old museum with maybe a space ship. I dunno. I found it a couple weeks ago. It’s a couple hours ride from here.” Joel is so good at everything. So good. You love him.
“Will you take her there? She wants to do old Joel and Ellie stuff. Before me. When it was just you two. It’s never just you two anymore. It probably be hard to get away– just you n’ her, after the baby comes.” Joel pinches his brows together very softly.
“I would but there’s been some infected sighed all around lately. Nothing to worry about in here but I don’t wanna take her out there right now.” Joel sounds depressed like he woul have taken her.
“Tell her about it. Take her when the number of infected around dwindle down. I like our girl happy. I want her to know we still love her and care about her and listen to the things she says.” You smile at Joel. “I worry, but I know you’ll take good care of her. You kept her alive before I even knew you guys. She is more safe with you than anyone else in this whole world.”
“Besides you. Jesus. I don’t ever wanna see the obstacle that tries to come between you n’ her. Jesus Christ. Thought I was bad at the hospital. They ain’t seen you try and protect your daughter.” Joel smiles and leans in, giving you a kiss. “I love it. I love what you’d do for our family. Love how good you are, Bird. So sweet.” Another small kiss on your lips before he’s laying back down in bed,
“Be safe out there tonight. I love you. Don’t draw it out. Please? Don’t make him suffer any longer than he needs to. He wasn’t always like this, Joel. He wasn’t. He deserves it, but just end it fast. For me.” You lean in and crawl to him on your hands and knees. “Just end it and come home to us.”
It’s too hot out here for this. Joel just wants to go home. Be with his pregnant Bird. Rub her feet. Look’it her pretty face. But instead Joel has an almost dead Jacob Harris laying across the horse in front of him. Ken, one of the friends that Joel had and was willing to help with this whole thing had come out the night before and dug a hole. Seven feet deep.
Tommy and Lucas were riding up front of their horses and Billy was behind Joel, bringing up the rear. They were going far. More than an hour away. No one had seen any infected yet. Good sign. Maybe he’d be able to bring Ellie out sooner than he thought.
Once they reached the hole, Joel pulled Jackie Boy to the ground.
“Hey Jackie.” Joel says softly. “You ready for all this to end?”
Jackie, who Joel has no idea how he is still alive nods slowly. It does hurt Joel’s heart a little when he does that.
“I told Birdie I’d do it quick. End it real fast for you. For her.” Joel kneels down to Jackie and presses one of his knees into the center of his chest. “I’m gonna go home tonight, put my cock in her, tell her thats what I did. So she can sleep at night. Rest her beautiful eyes. Not feel guilty for any of this, hopefully.” Joel wraps his hands around Jackie’s neck and gently begins to squeeze. “But I ain’t gon’ do it fast. No. I’m gonna take my time. Watch the life leave your one good eye.” Joel squeezes tighter and Jackie attempts to fight but he’s restrained. The three other men stand with there backs to the scene on the ground. Keeping watch. “Shhhh. Shhhh.” Joel calms and quiets the man below him comfortingly. “I got you.” Joel coos down to Jackie as his hands tighten around his neck, his thumbs pressing into his adams-apple.
Jackie stops resisting. He knows his fate.
“Dunno why Birdie wants to give you a quick death. I didn’t tell her the worst of what you said– you’re lucky cause if I had she’d be out here on top of you right now. Throttling you like this. Telling people she and her dad were fucking out in those woods all those years ago?” Joel can’t stop squeezing. He might actually decapitate the kid. “You deserve this. I hope it hurt. All of it. I hope it hurts right now. I hope you’re fucking scared.” Joel spits on him angrily.
Tommy is sick to his stomach. He wishes Joel had just listened to you because strangling someone to death took several minutes. Had to wait for them to pass out and then another four minutes at least for them to cut off all the oxygen to their brain. It’s takes at least six minutes. At least. Tommy knows! Lucas and Billy have stopped listening. They’re tuning it out.
Once it’s over Joel pushes Jackie in the whole and starts to fill it in. Lucas helps. Tommy and Billy keep guard.
“Thanks.” Lucas murmurs to Joel as they shovel dirt back into the hole. “I love Connie and I’d do anything for her, but Jacob and I used to be real good friends before all this. Been fuckin’ me up that we had to do this to him.” Lucas admits with a hard swallow. Joel looks up from the hole and sighs.
“I love Connie, too. But I did this for Bird. The things he said about her…the things he said that I did to her. I wish I could have done it sooner. He was a menace. The worst kind of person.” Joel leans in and looks at Lucas seriously. “Things aren’t what they used to be. Sometimes your friends turn into your enemies real quick. You gotta make sure that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to survive out here. Even if it’s messy. Doesn’t feel good. It’s not the same. Who else would have taken care of Jackie I hadn’t been here? Or hadn’t been willing? You’d have to do it for Connie. You. Remember that.” Joel tries to sound encouraging. “Connie needs you. Your kids are going to need you one day. Do whatever it takes. No one is going to do it for you. Not the police. Not the courts or prison. You.” Joel touches his chest softly.
“Okay.” Lucas had never been spoken to so honestly before. “Okay, Joel. Thanks.” He doesn’t really know what to say because Joel is so intimidating even when he’s being encouraging.
Joel knocks on Ellie’s door gently. You’re asleep in the room across the hall. Ellie calls him in. He has a guitar in his hand for her.
“You still want me to teach you how to play?” Joel whispers quietly. Ellie nods, her mouth hanging open in shock. Joel pulls up a chair alongside her bed.
“I know things have been a lot different between me n’ you since we got here.” He sets the guitar next to her on the bed. “I’m sorry that I don’t have the time for you that I did on the road.” Joel confesses to her. “I wish I did.”
“I understand.” Ellie nods to him. She does, she knows that Joel is a big part of the community. Helps around town so much. “I got Momma Bird. It’s not like I’m all alone. I have my friends, too.” Ellie tries to comfort him. Joel sees it in her eyes though, the sadness.
“What’s up, Bug? Talk to me.” She shakes her head.
“Nothing. I’m fine.” She smiles at him but Joel knows her smile. He knows it’s not genuine. She’s acting for him right now. Telling him what he wants to hear.
“Can I play you a little song?” He picks up the guitar and strums the chords carefully. Ellie watches his fingers move along the frets and strings on the neck. Music fills the room. Joel’s deep voice sings to Ellie quietly. She listens and takes in all the words of the song.
“-if I ever were to lose you, I’d surely lose myself-”
Joel looks at Ellie instead of his hands and fingers on the neck of the guitar.
Ellie knows that Joel means those words, even if he can’t actually say them to her. He has to sing them to her. She knows. She loves him just as much. Loves both of her parents. She struggles. That her and Joel traveled for so long and so far for nothing. That you almost died for nothing. She thinks back to what she said to Birdie before Birdie was her mom but she thinks that even then, Birdie loved her. Cared for her. It all can’t be for nothing. And it was. It was for nothing.
Her trauma of almost being sexually assaulted, having to kill people. Everything that Birdie doesn’t even know about. The things that happened before Joel and Ellie even got to Jackson. Those weigh on her.
It weighs on Joel. Hates that he lied to her. Thinks maybe that’s why he’s so busy. ‘Cause he can’t stand to look at her and know that he lied. Took away her choice. Could have saved so many people. If I ever were to lose you, I’d surely lose myself. Joel didn’t know how else to tell Ellie how he felt. It came easy talkin’ to you. He was IN love with you. He loved Ellie like he loved Sarah and he lied to her. It eats at him everyday.
Eats away at their relationship.
“Hey. Your mom told me what you wanted to do for your birthday. I have somewhere in mind I’d like to take you.” Joel sets the guitar back down on her bed. “We just might have to wait a little… have a hoard of infected movin’ through that area right now. You think the guitar is a good enough gift until it’s safe enough for me to take you?” Joel gives her questioning eyes. Ellie smiles and nods.
“Yeah. I’ll wait. I wanna go. Where are you takin’ me?” She asks excitedly.
“Surprise.”
“You have to take her. I’m eight months pregnant, Joel. You can’t hold off on it anymore. If you don’t want her to hate you with her whole heart, you gotta take her.” You’re explaining to him while he sets up the crib next to your side of the bed. “I know you think it’s still to dangerous, and I don’t really want you to go if it’s bad. But try. Show her that you’re at least attempting it and if it is too bad, come back. But then you tried! She’ll know you put the effort in for her.”
“We’d be gone overnight.” Joel looks at his shoulder over to you from the tool he’s using to put this fucking crib together. You tried and couldn’t figure it out.
“Fine. I’ll got stay with Tommy and Maria. Lucas and Connie could come over. Shan said that she needs a night away from Billy, she said she’d come spend the night if I needed her too.” You’re pushing this. You’ve been watching Joel and Ellie’s relationship start to strain the month and half– now almost two months after her birthday and Joel keeps putting it off. Still to dangerous in his mind.
“What happens if you have the baby while we’re gone?” Joel turns his whole body now, abandoning the crib and you get mad at him because you just want it put together for Christ sake!
“Then I have the baby while you’re gone. I don’t understand you. I’ve told you this. Ellie comes first. Then Wyatt if it’s really a boy. The kids. Not me. Not you. Them. Always. If you miss the birth of our second kid because you’re fulfilling a promise you made to our first child, then I won’t be upset. Better than you being high on the wall with your friends.” You make a good point. “I won’t be all alone. I have all those people I just mentioned who would be here to help me if I needed them.”
“Fine. We’ll leave in a week.”
“Leave tomorrow! Why are you waiting!? A week is just closer to my due date! You’re dumb. You’re the stupid one.” You poke his chest frustratedly. “Leave tomorrow! I mean it! Tomorrow or the next day or I’m going to be even more mean! I mean it!”
“Jesus! Calm down! Fine! You’re the worst pregnant, always fuckin’ yellin’ at me!” Joel exclaims at you.
“Stop pissin’ me off and I won't yell at you! You say dumb things. I can’t help the things that YOU say. I don’t control your stupid brain!” You shout now, because how dare he exclaim at his pregnant wife. You do nothing wrong. You are perfect. Perfect and pregnant with his huge child. The closer you get to giving birth the more terrified you are of having to push a miniature Joel out of your vagina. “Got your big ole kid inside me! Makin’ me have to pee every two minutes. Makin’ me have heartburn every night! Feet hurt all the damn time, Joel! All day! So yeah. You piss me off.”
“Oh. Real nice. Takin’ it all out on–” Joel starts very seriously.
“Who else am I gonna take it out on? Hm? Did any one else ever come inside me? Huh?” You poke his chest again. “No. Only you. Forever and always.” You smirk at him, but there is a little contempt behind that smirk. “Stuck with me. Stop pissin’ me off. Take Ellie. Get outta here. I’m annoyed with you.” You turn your back to him and cross your arms over the top of your stomach.
“Get outta here? You get outta here with them swollen piggies you got on those feet. You want me to rub’em? I will.”
“Don’t you dare talk about my feet. Don’t even go there.” You turn around to leer at him, but he’s snuck up right behind you and kisses your lips gently.
“I’ll rub’em. Really. I will do it right now. I’ll go make you a cup of tea. I’ll go get you some popcorn. Rub your swollen lil piggies for you. Make’em feel better.” Joel whispers against your lips.
“Fine. I would like you to put garlic powder on the popcorn please. A lot of it.” You whisper back, still annoyed with him.
“Whatever my Princess wants, she’s gon’ get it. I mean it, baby. You want it, I’mma get it for you.” Joel smirks against your lips. His hands are roaming all over your belly. It feels so good. “I’ll get that rose hip tallow that Alice gave you and rub it on this belly. I know you’re tight n’ uncomfortable. Lemme take care of you.” Joel coos to you gently.
“Fine. I’ll be waiting.” You kiss him softly and crawl into bed. Joel has been taking such good care of you. Not really letting you lift a finger unless you insist– like you did with the crib…but he ended up needing to finish that anyway. You’re not worried about Joel leaving with Ellie. Not at all. You’re not going to give birth while he is away. You’re going to be just fine.
When Joel returns you’re all ready with your belly our for him to rub. Joel laughs at the sigh of you with your nightgown pulled up to your chest.
“Rub it. It does hurt.” You whine and frown at him. Joel hands you all your goodies and sits down beside you. He rubs the soft, whipped butter like beef tallow into your tight, stretched skin.
“Feel better?” Joel murmurs to you gently, paying extra attention to the spots on your belly that have the worst stretchmarks. He knows you’re in pain. Your back and skin. Your legs and feet. Joel feels bad for snapping at you. You got his big ole kid in you.
“A little.” It does feel good. Him rubbing your belly like that makes the baby turn in your stomach.
“Jesus. Kids a fuckin’ tank in there. Just felt him move all the way around in there. You sure it’s just the one?” Joel teases.
“I’m still kinda mad at you. Watch it. Don’t make dumb jokes. I can’t push out two little mini yous on the same day. I need a couple years in between. Shit.” You munch on your popcorn. Joel opens his mouth for a piece and you toss one in. He crunches on it happily. Good combination. His favorite one of your cravings is popcorn on toast with honey and butter. He loves that. It’s a new snack in your house for everyone. A new staple in Joel’s diet.
“You’d have another?” Joel looks up at you and smirks.
“If my body will allow it, I’ll keep pushin’em out for you, Joel Miller.” You squint your eyes at him and smirk.
“I love you. I tell you all the time, I know. I just don’t ever want you forgettin’ it.” Joel reaches into his back pocket and pulls something out of it. “Now you can look at his and remember even when I’m not here to tell you.”
Joel hands you a little silver ring. It has a small diamond as the center placement. That’s it. Just the diamond and the band and it’s perfect. You slide it on your ring finger and examine it. It fits perfectly. It’s simple. You love it. More than you thought you would love a ring. Tears come to your eyes and you can’t stop them. They are flowing. Flowing.
“It’s perfect.” You sob softly. “Really. Perfect. I love it s-s-so much.”
“You’re my wife now. I’m your husband. If you want a big ole ceremony for show we can do it, but it don’t mean nothin’ anymore. We’re just married now.” Joel speaks as he continues to rub the moisturizing mixture on all over your stomach.
“I don’t n-n-need one. This was p-p-p-perfect.” You’re still crying. Joel knows that comforting you will do nothing, so he carries on taking care of you. Making sure you’re skin isn’t dry and then he will move down to your swollen feet and rub those for you until you tell him to stop. He’ll do anything for you. His wife.
Notes:
^ r u guys fuckin' kidding me right now?got dammit, sonofabitch
longlivejoel
Chapter 14: Fake Dinosaur Bones
Summary:
Something terrible happens.
Notes:
trigger warning
I mentioned previously that this story was a little on the darker side. If you have a weak stomach, can't deal with pregnancy stuff. Skinp down to the bottom just to see what happens at the end. just a very graphic scene right in the middle.If you'd like to skip you can jump ahead right after the reader falls asleep. Don't pick up again until you get to Joel and Tommy.
I just don't want to traumatize anyone! I love you all so much. I originally wanted to post this as one whole chapter with the last one but I needed to be able to give people a break.
fake dinosaur bones--- the callous daoboys
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Ellie is standing in front of the door waiting for Joel. This is the first time they’re going outside the wall together since they came back. You’re watching with tears in your eyes because why does she wanna go? Why doesn’t she want to stay here with you forever?
Joel gives you a big wet kiss, places one hand on the side of your stomach and rests his forehead against yours.
“Keep that baby inside ‘till we get back. Otherwise we’ll be real mad at you, right Bug?” Joel turns his head slightly to look over his shoulder at her. She nods and crosses her arm over her chest.
“Yup. Wyatt better stay in there. Hold him in.” She sounds angry with you already and the baby is in fact still inside you. You pinch your brows at her but she smirks.
“Be careful. Both of you. My whole moon and sun. Please be careful. I love you both so so much.” You hug Joel as best you can with your belly. Ellie is next. She hugs you from the side and rests her head on your bust.
“I love you, too. We’ll bring cool stuff back from wherever we go for his room.” Ellie whispers up to you.
“It’s your birthday gift. Worry about Ellie.” You kiss her forehead softly. “Love you. Love you. Love, love lovelovelovelove you.” You kiss her head a million times. She giggles and places her hand on your belly.
“You be careful. You got my brother in there.” Ellie smiles up at you again. The baby kicks inside you at that moment right where her hand is. She hadn’t been able to feel one yet and her eyes go wide. “Was that him?” She asks in awe. “That was so hard. Can you feel that?” Ellie asks you with horror in her eyes now. You nod down at her.
“All the time.” You smirk. “All night long. He’s dancing in there or something. Okay! Go. I love you. Be careful. Hurry back to me with all your limbs. Love you.” You kiss her head again in case she didn’t feel all the others.
“Bird, be careful. Lock the doors. Keep your gun close. Maria or Connie should be comin’ over later, right?” Joel gives you a knowing look.
“Yes! They’re coming. Both of them.” You lie. You’re looking forward to some alone time. No one bothering you or pissing you off. Asking you questions. No. You’ll enjoy your quiet evening. You’re going to boil a bunch of water and take a bath. It’s going to be phenomenal.
“Good. Love you. See you tomorrow night.” Joel blows you a kiss and shuts the door.
Once they are gone everything is quiet and you love it. No sounds. Just your thoughts which can be kind of scary. Awesome. Regretting this already.
You and Joel moved your room back downstairs and now the upstairs room will be the babies when it’s ready to move up there. You are scared. You thought you’d be ready but whenever your teenage brain thought about the future and having kids you always imagined your mom by your side holding your hand. She’s not here. Neither is your sister, someone else you imagined being by your bedside and one of the first people who would hold your baby. Gone.
This makes you sad and scared. It makes you remember the world you live in. It’s so hard to remember that this isn’t normal. Not everyone is living like this. There might be colonies like this scattered all over, a lot of them, but the majority of survivors were either still in the cities, raiding or being pillaged. Dealing with the infected. You think. That’s what you ran into while you traveled with your dad. With Joel and Ellie.
You pray– which you never, ever do– to a God you don’t know exists or not. You don’t think he does. How could he let something like this happen? Terrible things. You pray though. You close your eyes and in your head you pray that Joel keeps Ellie safe. You pray that whoever or whatever you’re currently speaking to in your head will keep Joel safe so he can keep Ellie safe.
You boil so much water. It takes so long but the bath is just the right temperature when you get in. It’s not too hot but it’s not freezing right from the tap. You rub the beef tallow whip mixture into your belly while you’re in there. It’s amazing and it smells good. You smell good when you have it on. It’s incredible. You bake a pie for when they get back. You know Ellie likes them and so does Joel. He gets you as much fruit as he can find when he's out scouting.
You read a book that Joel found you. It’s a history book. You think it’s a history book. The cover is missing but right now you’re stuck in a part about the Salem Witch Trials. You’re engrossed. Burning women at the stake? Sinking them in the river? Because they were accused of being witches!? For the craziest reasons!? The size of ones family. Your behavior. Their money! If they wanted to help women have babies! You snap the book shut and toss it on the couch beside you. Not a good bedtime book. What the shit?
You would have accused Ava of being a witch if that still happened. She probably would have accused you too. So it’s fair. She hasn’t been around much. Keeping to herself. Doesn't go to the bar, refuses to really leave her house. Resigned from the school but you still haven’t sent Ellie back. You like that she’s home and you’re learning right along side her with Ms. Babs. She brought you all the stuff you’d need to help Ellie at home. And your other kid eventually.
Popcorn before bed. Some mountain rose tea. It’s delicious. Then you are tired and you know that when you wake up tomorrow that Ellie and Joel will be back that night. You’ll see them before you go to bed.
You might even see them before that because Joel might have to turn around and come home if the hoard is too bad. It’s all unpredictable. Your bed is so comfortable even though you are not. Can’t sleep on your back. Can’t sleep on your stomach. Have to sleep on your side. You sleep sitting up sometimes when your heartburn is too bad. Not tonight. You’re on your side. Facing Joel’s side of the bed. Your revolver is under his pillow. Sleep comes easily tonight.
The bed shifts beside you. Thing’s must have been too bad on the road.
“She okay?” You murmur sleepily, your hand brushing against the revolver under the pillow as you feel a weight on top of you, straddling your hips. You open your eyes, smirking up at— Ava.
“Hi, Birdie.” She whispers quietly like there might be other people in the house. Your hand is just out of grasp from the gun under the pillow. Your flat hand is pressed to the bed and it had just slid out from underneath the pillow when she crawled on top of you. She looks like Jacob did that night. A big, uncontrollable smile. Her eyes wide, so wide, her pupils were so wide. You can't even see the green of her eyes anymore. Just black dots in the bloodshot whites of her eye. She looked crazy– insane. She looked absolutely insane. Your eyes drop down to her hands and she’s holding a knife to the underside of your belly. Where the doctor explained they’d need to slice you open in case of an emergency C-section. You had planned on doing it all natural here in your house.
“What are you doin’, Ava?” You ask calmly. She’s shaking. Trembling on top of you. Her hand has a white knuckle grip on the knife. She chuckles softly. She isn’t looking a you, she’s looking at your belly.
“Just lookin’ at my baby.” Her voice is trembling along with her body. This makes your blood run cold. “You took Jacob away from me. Didn’t get to say goodbye. Nothin’.” She’s speaking fast. You can barely understand her. “You got it all, Bird. All of it. Joel. The baby. The house. You got it all. Even Jacob. Never stopped talkin’ ‘bout you. You drove him crazy, Bird. You killed him.”
Now you’re shaking, you’re hand is slowly moving back under the pillow but she presses just the tip of the knife into your stomach.
“Stop movin’.” She snaps at you. Your hand goes still. She stares down at your face now and presses the sharp edge of the knife into your skin gently. You can feel it. It’s so sharp. It hurts against your taught skin. “You know I can’t have kids?” Ava is stone faced on top of you now. No smile. Calm eyes. “Had ovarian cancer as a baby. Never was gonna be able to have ‘em.” She had tears in her eyes now. “But here’s a baby. Soon it won’t have a mommy to take care of it.”
“Ava. Plea–” She pushes the knife into you harder and it stops your words, it’s cutting into your flesh. Red hot pain radiates throughout your whole body. This is a new kind of pain you had never ever experienced before. Not even when that one brother was on top of you and you were slicing yourself open in a very similar fashion. This hurt so much worse. You groan loudly and clench your teeth.
“Shut the fuck up.” She spits at you. “I’m takin’ this baby then I’m leavin’. Heard there is another colony in Rapid City. Gonna go there with my new baby. Live happy ever after.” She sounds so happy with herself. So proud of the little plan she conceived.
Now there are tears flowing from your eyes because she cannot do this! She cannot. That baby inside of you is yours and Joel’s! You’ve been working so hard to develop him and nourish him so he can grow. You think about how fast you can grab the gun, pull the hammer back, aim and shoot her in the chest. How much damage can she do to you and the baby in that amount of time. She is sliding the sharp edge of the blade across the bottom of your stomach. It is fire and searing hot pain. Holy shit. Worse than before. It makes your head spin.
“Ava– Ava! Please don’t.” She reaches up and slaps you across the face. Hard. It was like she punched you with her open hand. You’re stunned. Can't even think straight anymore.
“There’s a bunch of layers you gotta cut into, but you gotta be real careful. Don’t wanna hurt the baby.” She coos down to you as she forces the edge of the knife further into the delicate and thin layers of skin and now muscle tissue. You can barely think though the pain. You slide your hand under the pillow when she’s not looking and pull the hammer back. She hears it. “Don’t fuckin’ do it, Bird. I’ll kill the both of you.” She holds the tip of your knife into your belly button and presses down softly. “I’ll do it.” You know she’s not fucking lying. Why didn’t you just listen to Joel and invite someone over!? Stupid! Fuck!
Now you were going to die and this crazy bitch was going to steal your baby and Joel wouldn’t even know how to get him back. Oh my god. You pull the gun out from under the pillow as fast as you can. Instead of trying to aim and shoot, you slam the gun across the side of her head. She goes down, slouching slightly forward. The knife sides into your belly button like butter under the weight of Ava's body. It hurts so fucking bad you can't react right away. At least two inches if not more of the blade slices through you and into your womb. You know it punctured something inside of you. The baby is kicking like crazy. Ava falls off of you with ease as you push her off you and onto the floor. You immediately start to contract. It hurts so fucking bad. It’s unlike anything you’ve ever felt.
“F–uck.” You groan, clenching your fist tight in the blankets of the bed. It’s so bad. What the fuck. You look down and there is blood coming from your belly button. Fuck. The baby is still moving. That’s good. You need to get to the medical center. Ava is unconcious on the floor. You take the knife from her, drive it into her chest as hard as you can twice. Fuck Ava. Fuck this stupid fucking bitch. You drive it into her heart one last time. You can’t wait to keep killing her. You feel something wet between your legs. Your water broke. You look down but isn’t water. It’s the brightest red blood you’ve ever seen.
Oh my god. You’re going to die here. You’re going to bleed out in your house or on the sidewalk in the middle of the night. With no way to call for help. You pull the knife from her chest as another contraction washes over you. It brings you right to your knees. You try and breathe through it but it hurts so fucking bad. Jesus fucking Christ. You’re crawling on your hands and knees outside. The front door is wide open.
You never locked it. It’s always Joel’s job. You can hear him now telling you to lock the door. You stupid fucking idiot. You can get to your feet but barely, you’re taking stumbling, lazy steps forward because you’re losing so much blood. You take the deepest breath you can and call Tommy’s name. It’s the only thing you can think of. You’re on your knees again, crawling on the sidewalk. The pavement cuts and tears open the skin on your knees and the top of your feet and toes as you make your way to Tommy and Maria’s. If you can get there you’ll be okay. It’ll all be okay.
There is tremendous pressure in your asshole. You feel like you’re going to shit your pants. What the fucking actual fuck is going on. Oh my god. You call for Tommy again, this time barely any sound comes out of your mouth as another contraction pulses through you. You’re stopped, there is no crawling through this.
You let out another scream…no names just the most blood curdling scream you can conjure because this is the worst pain you’ve ever experienced. Worse than being shot. Worse than anal sex. This is worse than going deeper. You think you might faint but then the pain dulls slightly. The pressure between your legs is extreme. You have to lay down. Need to lay down. You scream again, closing your eyes through this contraction. This one rips. It rips you apart. You put your hands between your legs and there is a bulge where your fucking pussy would be.
“Oh no. Oh no. Not he—re.” You pull your shorts to the side and you can feel his head. You can feel it and he’s coming. “No please not here. Not now.” You’re sobbing. You scream again as the next contraction comes and you push this time with all your might. Your belly feels like it is going to explode.
“Oh my fucking god.” You hear Tommy’s voice next to you and you open your eyes. He’s already taking off his shirt and placing himself between your legs. “Breathe, Bird. You gotta breathe through it.” He’s got one hand on your knee gripping you tight. Thats when he see’s the blood coming from your belly and the hole in your night shirt. He lifts it up and sees blood pouring from your bellybutton. That did not happen when Maria had her baby. That’s not normal. “Bird, what happened?” Tommy asks, knowing you won’t be able to answer. You’re screaming and trying to grip at concrete between your fingers.
“Fuuuuuuck.” You groan loudly. Your fingernails break on the sidewalk but it hurts less than the pain between your legs and your belly. "I need Joel." You cry out as the contraction subsides. You don't get much time before another one washes over you and has you groaning and screaming. Tommy is trying so hard to walk you through it.
“Bird, push. Push right now. It’s almost there, Birdie. Push, Birdie-girl, push. You can do this. Come on, Bird.” Tommy sounds so desperate, it makes you scared. Why is he so scared? He's not the one pushing out a tiny Joel right now.
“I can’t. It hurts so bad.” You spit through gritted teeth. "I can't do this without Joel." You sob loudly, letting your head fall back into the grass. "I can't."
“I know. I know it does, Bird you have to push. You need to push you cannot stop.” Tommy sounds like he might cry. You push as hard as you can when the next contraction comes. You’re being torn in half. That’s what’s happening right now. You’re being split in two from the vagina. Then it’s gone. The pressure, the fiery hot pain in your pussy. Holy shit. Then there is crying. A baby is crying and you open your eyes. Tommy’s holding her up to see. It’s a girl. A little girl. You sob softly as Tommy places you on your chest.
“Tommy. Ava stabbed me.” You look up at him with tears in your eyes. “I don’t feel good, Tommy. I need Joel.” You whisper quietly as the baby cries on your chest. You do not feel good. Now that all the pain from giving birth is over you can tell something is very wrong. "J-Joel."
“I’m gonna go get him.” Tommy is crying. “I’m gonna go now, Bird. Please don’t fucking die. Please. Maria is coming now. I’m going to the medical center. They’ll come with the car for you. Okay? Please don’t die Birdie. Joel will never forgive me.”
Then Maria is by your side. You don’t know when she got here. She’s taking the baby off your chest. Why is she taking your baby? She can't. It's your baby. You try and reach for her but your arms don’t work. Maria is crying too. Why is everyone crying? You try and move your head to look around but you can’t. Nothing works anymore. You’re so cold. It’s freezing and it was so hot earlier. Maria holds your baby girl close to her chest and stokes your hair. It feels so good. The warmth from her fingers on your scalp is so comforting and inviting and you could close your eyes but you just keep looking at the baby she's holding. That's your baby. Maria is sobbing so hard. Why is she crying like that?
“It’s gonna be okay, Birdie. We’re gonna get you help. The car is coming now.” Maria comforts you but she sounds ten million miles away. “What do you wanna name her?” It comes out fast and desperate.
“Nora.” You try to talk regular but it is croaked out. “My grandma.” No sounds come out. Just words get mouthed to Maria and then you need to sleep so you can wake up and take care of your baby.
Joel and Ellie are on their way back when they hear hooves on the ground barreling towards them. Joel and Ellie both draw their weapons. Joel doesn’t know what to expect. Ellie is wearing her new astronauts helmet. She had a great time at the museum. Worth having to fight off a couple of infected so she could be a kid for a little while longer.
“Joel!” Tommy’s voice booms out in the woods.
“Tommy!” Joel calls back to him. The hooves change direction and start towards them again. Joel still can’t see him. “Tommy!” Joel calls again to give him a sense of direction. When Tommy shows up he’s shirtless, covered in blood and crying.
“Bird–”
Joel doesn’t need to hear anything else. Him and Ellie take off with Tommy right behind them. Tommy is unarmed, completely. Ellie has to do most of the shooting with Joel’s pistol when they come across the infected. She’s gotten better with her shooting but there were a couple close calls. Joel almost asks Tommy what happened but he want to know. Not yet. Not out where where it would distract him. Focus on getting back the colony. It takes them three hours. Going as fast as they can.
When they arrive Joel just knows to go to the medical center. He helps Ellie down off the horse and hand in hand with Tommy right behind them… they run inside.
Maria is sitting right in the entrance way. Joel pushes right past her when she tries to talk to him. He can’t hear her. He can’t hear anything but his own heartbeat. Maria is crying. Tha’s all Joel knows. Joel squeezes Ellies hand tighter and pulls her away from Maria. They need to find you. Joel checks five rooms before he stops. You’re laying in a bed with a fucking tube down your throat again. Ellie pushes past him into the room and stops.
“Where is the baby?” She whispers. Joel notice the significant change in the size of your stomach too, but he didn’t have answers for his daughter. Joel thought he was going to be sick.
“Joel!” Maria shouts his name. Joel reluctantly pulls his gaze away from you and looks to Maria. She is still crying.
“The baby is fine.” She sobs. “They– they don’t think Bird is going to make it.” Her face twists up as she speaks. “She lost too much blood, Joel.”
“What happened?” Joel speaks for the first time since he saw Tommy in the woods.
“Ava. I dunno. Bird told me Ava stabbed her. Then I left to come get you.” Tommy is wiping the tears from his eyes. “I’m sorry. I thought she was going to come over and when she didn’t I assumed Connie was over there.” Tommy apologies because he was supposed to be looking out for you while Joel was gone. It was an order and Tommy fucked up. “Baby is okay?” Joel can barely speak those words. He can’t imagine raising a baby Bird without you.
“Girl. Bird said she wanted to name her Nora. After her grandma I think, I dunno for sure. She was pretty out of it when I got to her.” Maria is still crying.
“Where is she?” Ellie asks softly.
“She’s in the nursery. The doctors had to give her a couple of stitches in your cheek, Knife must’a knicked her in the womb.” Maria explains.
“Go check on your little sister for me.” Joel whispers to Ellie and walks into your room shutting the door behind him.
This is a nightmare come true. A real nightmare. Joel takes your hand in his when he sits down next to the bed. His thumb strokes the back of your hand carefully.
“You said you–” Joel can’t even talk. His voice cracks and tears fill his eyes. “You said you’d never leave.” Joel rests his head on your arm. “Please don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you, Birdie-girl. I can’t.” Joel is sobbing. He feels so fucking stupid for leaving. None of this would have happened if he had just stayed home. “Should’a just let me stay with you.” He continues to sob as you lay lifeness on the next next to him. Joel can’t even imagine seeing the new baby until he knows you're okay. Can’t do it. Won’t leave your side until you’re better. He thinks about what Maria said.
They don’t think Bird is going to make it.
Ellie is holding her little sister for the first time. Maria and Tommy look on carefully and cry sofly as Ellie looks down at the little baby with a head full of dark hair like Joel. She has three stitches on her right cheek. She is perfect. Ellie loves her immediately. Ellie Miller, the big sister. Ellie knows in that moment right there that she would do anything for this baby. She’d kill for this baby.
“Can we take her to Mom?” Ellie asks Maria gently. Marira shakes her head.
“She’s gotta stay in the nursery, El. I’m sorry. You can sit in here with her though and rock her in the chair.” Maria points to the chair in the corner of the room. Ellie goes to sit with her new best friend. She looks down at the baby in her arms.
“When I say I love you more, it doesn’t mean I love you more than you love me.” Ellie recites the poem to Nora quietly. The whole thing. “Our Mom will tell you that one day, too. She’s got a real nice voice–” Ellie starts to cry now too because she might never hear her mom tell her that ever again.
So while Ellie cries in the nursery, holding the new baby. Joel sits in your room crying, holding your hand and praying to a god he knows doesn’t exist. He’s a desperate man. He’ll do just about anything to get you back.
Notes:
^ that's Joel crying for you :(also, you can say whatever you want about me and my preferences but I prefer older fat Joel. I love him.
don't judge me bc I love you all and your opinion of me and my stories matters to me so much
Chapter 15: Nobody, Not Even the Rain
Summary:
Tommy and Joel have a conversation.
Joel finds answers to questions he didn't even know he had.
Notes:
love you all
TW talks of blood and dying and gross baby stuff- also mental health stuff is mentioned very softly- beware
nobody, not even the rain-- la dispute
listen to this one if you want to cry real good
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The doctors tell Joel that your chances of survival are low. You lost so much blood. Too much. Tommy got to you in time to save the baby, but your outlook was still so grave. Joel didn’t believe them. The doctors tell Joel that your uterus had been perforated by Ava’s knife. That puncture is what sent you into premature labor. You should be dead and so should Nora. The doctors tell Joel this and it makes him sick. Sick to his stomach. They use the word hemorrhage. Uterine rupture. Joel doesn’t know what the fuck they mean he just knows you should be dead and it makes his stomach churn inside him.
Joel sits with Tommy around your bed. Joel can’t take his eyes off you.
“Joel, you can’t let Ellie be in that nursery all day and with me and Maria all night. You have to go see her.” Tommy whispers to him from across your bed. “You haven’t even looked at her yet.” Joel can hear the disappointment in his brother's voice. Tommy isn’t talking about Ellie. Joel has seen Ellie everyday since they got back. Joel hasn’t been able to look at Nora yet. “Five fuckin’ days. You can’t even go see her? I understood why you couldn’t go to the house. It’s bad. Blood everywhere. But not holding your daughter, man? You’d rather sit in here and watch Bird die slowly—”
“Shut the fuck up.” Joel looks away from your face for the first time in hours and glares at his brother. “Don’t you ever fuckin’ talk like that again. What if Ellie heard you?”
“Ellie fuckin’ knows! She knows! Despite everything you tell her. She’s cryin’ at my house every night with Maria. Should be grieving with you–” Joel stands up from his chair, it skids across the floor behind him. That makes Tommy stand, he stares at his scowling brother. Tommy takes a deep breath in and looks down at your grayish, pale, lifeless body. His eyes flick back up to Joel’s. “You gonna fight me in your wife's hospital room?”
“You gonna make me?” Joel isn’t backing down. “Ellie ain’t got nothin’ to grieve. Bird is gonna be fine. We just gotta give her some time. Took her four weeks last time. She'll be fine soon.” Joel can’t wrap his head around the fact that the doctors keep saying to him that you won’t wake up. You lost too much blood.
Tommy didn’t know what to say or do to snap Joel out of this trance. His older brother was always so realistic. Not hopeful, just knows only what’s in front of him. Tommy was the hopeful one in this brotherhood. Tommy. Not Joel. And Tommy had no hope in him now. None. He saw what you looked like laying on the sidewalk. Joel didn’t.
Tommy will never get the image of you screaming, covered in blood laying outside the front of your house out of his head. Tommy didn’t hear you scream his name. Something just woke him up, a feeling he had. Made him get out of bed and then he heard you shouting something terrible. He had just been about to look out the window but the scream made him run outside instantly. No shoes. Just whatever he had worn to bed.
“No. I won’t make you fight me in your wife's hospital room, but I’m this is so fucked Joel. So fucked. You have responsibilities and I understand you’re struggling to deal with this. I get that. I get it more than you understand but you chose these kids . You picked them. You wanted them. Act like it. Bird would want that . She wouldn’t want you sitting here making Ellie raise Nora.” Tommy shakes his head. “You told Ellie to bring Nora in here and hold her up to Birdie so that Nora will know her when she wakes up– know she’s her mom. She doesn’t even know her dad, Joel. The parent who is going to be around forever. Doesn’t even know what you look like.”
Joel know’s Tommy is right. Knows there isn’t anything more that he can do for you. Tommy leaves without another word and leaves Joel standing next to your bed. He hasn’t been able to look at Nora. Not yet. Can’t do it. Your body is still producing breast milk because of Joel's request that the nurses pump for you. Nora smells you and looks at your face when Ellie or Dina hold her to your chest, because Joel told them to. She knows you’re her mom because of Joel. Joel is a stranger to her. Tommy is right.
It takes Joel another hour to walk to the nursery where Ellie and Dina are playing house with Nora. Joel stands in front of the window and watches the two girls looking down at the baby in the crib. Joel still can’t see Nora. Ellie is in the way. Joel closes his eyes and rests his head against the window. It feels good on his clammy forehead. He was going in there to hold his baby Bird for the first time. His Nora. Nora Miller.
Ellie spins around when he opens the door. Joel can only look at the floor.
“Dad?” Ellie cannot believe it. He can hear it in her voice. He can’t see her face, can’t look at her.
“She perfect?” Joel asks in the quietest voice he’s ever heard himself make. He’s leaning against the door as it shuts behind him. His eyes still glued to the floor.
“She’s amazing, Mr. Miller.” Dina breathes softly. She’s in awe of this perfect baby, too. Ellie talked about her so much. Dina couldn’t believe that a baby could be so cute.
“She’s great, Dad. She barely cries. She loves to be held. Takes the bottle really well too. She’ll breastfeed as soon as mom wakes up.” Ellie reaches into the crib and picks her up. Joel can see it happen out of the corner of his eye. His heart is racing in his chest. He’s so frightened of this little tiny baby. Joel has never been so scared of something so small before.
Ellie walks Nora over to Joel so slowly and carefully. Cradling her head just like Maria had taught her how to do with baby Tomas. Joel swallows hard when Ellie gets close. He wants to run. Leave. Close his eyes, but before he can do any of that he sees her.
His Nora.
She is perfect. Dark brown hair, the same shade as his. She has your perfect eyes and nose. Joel looks at the baby in Ellie’s arms and can’t believe that she is his . Joel is trembling. There are tears in his eyes that sting and burn– His Nora Miller, being held by his Ellie Miller.
“Do you want to hold her?” Ellie looks up at her dad with excited eyes. She has been waiting for this and it’s finally happening. Dad is going to hold the baby. After five whole days. She has been rejected by his denials of holding Nora or even looking at her. Everytime Joel would hear Ellie and Dina coming down the hall with the baby, Joel would take off outside somewhere.
Joel nods silently and holds his arms out for Ellie to pass the tiny baby to him. Nora fits perfectly in his arms. She belongs there with him like this. Joel’s whole body goes soft. He hadn’t realized how tense he had been. This small baby eases every ounce of tension inside of him. He sighs and the baby in his arms looks up at him with your sleepy, watery eyes. Joel wasn’t sure he’d ever see your eyes again. Now they’re looking right back up at him from his daughter's face.
“Shit. She looks just like her mom.” Joel sighs softly. “She is perfect.” Joel flicks his eyes up to Ellie. “Im sorry, Bug. Been strugglin–” Joel’s voice cracks while he speaks to his eldest daughter. She nods and puts her hand on his shoulder.
“I know– it’s been scary.” Ellie tries to comfort him. “It’ll be okay though, just like you said. Mom will wake up soon and we’ll all go home.” Joel could die. He could. He knows he’s making this so much harder on Ellie than it has to be.
“Sorry, Bug.” Is all Joel can say.
“Can we all go sit in there with Mom? The baby too?” Ellie asks quietly. She’s excited but quiet. Joel nods and they walk the baby through the medical center back to your room. Joel sits down in his chair slowly with Nora and talks to you.
“She is perfect, Bird. You’d be all over her if you were awake. Wouldn’t be able to put her down.” Joel can’t take his eyes off Nora. She is so beautiful. Even with her three little stitches. Doctor said it would scar, probably stay with Nora as her face grew but it wouldn’t be uncomfortable or cause her any issues. Just a scar. “You gotta wake up, Bird. She’s gotta know you . Has to . You’re the best mom I’ve ever met. She can’t grow up without you.”
“Mom, he’s not lying. She is amazing.” Ellie coos down to you, holding your hand gently.
“Yeah, Mrs. Miller. You make a real cute baby.” Dina says from behind Ellie.
They don’t know that you can hear them. Their words are not jumbled or sounding foreign. They’re not ten million miles away. They are right here with you and in this second blood deprived moment of your life. With your new baby and you love hearing them talk about her. You love it so much your foot twitches and that’s the first time any of them have seen you move since they got here five days ago.
No one says anything about it. They all saw it. Joel saw it out of his peripheral vision, but he wasn’t sure he actually saw what he thought. Ellie and Dina both saw it at the same time and they would have said something if they weren’t frozen in shock.
The fact Tommy moved so quickly to the medical center and got the doctors to you so they could stop the bleeding and get fluids into you is the only reason you survived. Tommy saved you and Nora’s life that night.
It’s two weeks later. You woke up this morning. You can’t talk. Can’t move. Can’t hold Nora. You’re awake though and Joel can talk to you and you can hear him. You can see him when he shows you the baby. You cried when he held her up to you for the first time. You’re alive.
“I was an ass.” Tommy hands Joel the joint. This is the first time they’ve spoken since the fight in your hospital room.
“Kinda.” Joel rumbles from deep in his chest. “I was bein’ a piece of shit.” Joel admits finally. “I was just scared. Didn’t– couldn’t imagine losing her. Never.” Joel puffs gently on the joint and sighs.
“I get it. I just wanted you to be realistic. Tryin’ to get you to go look at that baby, man.” Tommy does feel bad for the things he said to his brother over your lifeless body.
“How’d Bird do?” Joel asks Tommy for the first time. He needed to know you were going to be okay before he found out anything about what happened that night. Tommy tried, but Joel shut him down, couldn’t bear to hear about you potentially dying on the sidewalk without him. Now that you’re okay… he wants to know. “Tell me what happened.”
“I woke up out of a sound sleep. Couldn’t tell you why. Just… my eyes snapped open. Then I hear her screamin’, so I take off out down to her house. She’s layin’ right out front of the house– on the sidewalk. It looked like she was tryin’ to get to mine and Marias. When I got there Nora’s head was already out. Took Bird two minutes. I had to pull Nora out.” Tommy takes the joint from Joel.
Joel doesn’t say anything. Just thinks.
“I gotta show you somethin’ whenever you’re ready to take a break from this place. We found somethin’ at Ava’s.”
Joel’s stomach is churning inside of him as he walks through Ava’s house for the first time since honestly before you even woke up the first time. Joel had never even got into her house to return the jam-jars. He just stood on the porch. Hadn’t been inside since before he left with you for Salt Lake. Now, Joel walks around and sees the mess that had accumulated over all that time.
“Yo, up here.” Tommy nods Joel up to the second floor. He follows his brother. There’s garbage everywhere. A lot of baby stuff Joel is noticing. Too much for a house with no baby in it. Tommy leads Joel to a closed door. “Looks like she was expecting.” Tommy opens the door and there is a nursery behind it. A crib and a pram. A changing table. A mobile spun slowly over the crib. It was fucking eerie.
“She was pregnant?” Joel asks, looking back at Tommy who is shaking her head.
“Doctors said she wasn’t. Did an autopsy on her.” Tommy explains walking further into the nursery. “You saw Bird’s scars. I think she was tryin’ to take the baby.” Tommy says it quietly like he doesn’t want to. This makes Joel so angry. He could kill Ava and Jacob all over again. “One more thing.”
Joel is lead downstairs to the basement of Ava’s house. Jacob must have been hiding out down here. There was a bed, all his artillery and a bunch of papers scattered everywhere. Joel leans down and picks one up and drops it immediately when he reads one sentence.
“What the fuck?” Joel has to lean down and pick it up again, looking at the words more carefully.
Promises. She’d give me her virginity. Promised it to me. Fucking bitch. Stupid fucking bitch, fucking kill her. Promises she can’t keep. Stupid slut, fucks old men, fucks her dad, fucks her grandpa wants to fuck old men. Promises baby, i got promisses. For you. Slice her cut. Take her baby. Fuckin stupid ugly bitch. Hate her. Hate her. Promises. Hate her. Hate her. Cut her baby out. Give it to ava. Ava gets baby. Bitches get nothing. Whores get nothing.
“Jesus fucking Christ.” Joel whispers. The papers scattered across the floor are all covered with the same kind of writing. There are bottles of whiskey lining the walls of the basement. Caffeine pill bottles everywhere. “He fuckin’ tweaked out down here.” Joel tosses the paper back on the floor. “Two houses down from me, planning to cut my baby out of my wifes stomach?” Joel is in disbelief.
“Then we killed him. Must’a tore Ava up so bad she just finished his plan.” Tommy is reading through one of the papers on the floor.
Joel thinks about what would have happened if he had just let Ava say goodbye to Jacob. Would she have let this all go?
Joel walks back to the medical center and has to walk past his house to get there. He had taken the long way before but now, he walks right past where you had been bleeding out. Your blood still stains the sidewalk. Tommy has tried to clean it several times. Joel goes inside at Tommy’s protests. There is blood trailing all the way from the porch to the front door and when he opens it, more blood. His house smells like it. Tommy again tried to clean the best he could but it was stained into the floor boards by the time he got there. Gave up after two hours. They’d just get Joel a new house.
The mattress Joel worked so hard to find you is covered in your blood. Joel can see the outline of where you were laying when Ava stabbed you. It makes him sick. He does get sick in the bathroom you had been sick in so often during your first trimester. Tommy leans against the bedroom door frame waiting for his older brother. Joel comes out of the bathroom and sees your revolver under your night stand. Just a flash of the silver gun metal. He grabs it for you and slips it into the back of his jeans.
“Let’s go see Birdie and Nora.” Tommy steps aside and let’s his brother lead the way back to the medical center.
Ellie is laying in the hospital bed next to you with her head on your chest. You run your fingers though her hair slowly. Everything you do is slow right now. Joel sits in a chair as close to your bed as he can get. He’s holding Nora in a position so you can always see her. She is perfect. You don’t remember the first time you saw her. You don’t really remember much about that night. Just Ava on top of you with the knife. That’s it.
“You did so good, Birdie.” Joel whispers. “Tommy told me today how good you did.” Joel flicks his eyes up to you and you must look confused. “Tommy delivered her for us.” You did not know this. No one’s really talked to you about what happened yet. You woke up and were rushed away by the doctors after Joel showed you Nora for the first time. Now you’re awake and stable.
“Ava?” You croak out softly. Joel tilts his whole head up to you, your voice makes him smile even if it doesn’t sound like you right now.
“Dead.” Joel whispers back to you. Ellie and Nora are both sleeping so the two of you stay quiet. “You got her, Bird.” It hurts when you talk but you have so much to say to your husband.
“I know why you kept Jackie alive now.” You speak so slowly and so quietly. “I would have kept going if I didn’t need to push that baby out.” You try to joke but Joel doesn’t laugh. “I’d have stabbed her ‘till there was nothin’ left to stab.” You’re words do nothing to make Joel smile.
“I wish you would’a.” Joel whispers back. “She was gonna steal her from us.” He says angrily. Quietly but angry.
“What?” You’re in shock. Joel nods.
“S’all Jackies idea.” He looks back down at Nora’s sleeping face. “Found all this shit in her house– I shouldn’t be tellin’ you all this.” Joel looks back up at you and sighs. “I should’a never left.”
“We made a promise to our first girl. You were keepin’ it.” You smile at him softly. “She have fun at the museum? Did you guys even make it there?” Your throat hurts so badly but you can’t imagine not talking to Joel right now.
“She did. Had a blast. Got to be a kid again.” Joel looks over at Ellie’s sleeping fifteen year old face. “She’s growin’ up, Birdie.” He sounds sad. You are sad, too. You don't like that news.
“No. She’s gonna stay fifteen forever and Nora is going to stay small forever. And we’ll never grow old.” You whisper to him, a tear coming to your eyes because that’s not going to happen. You will all grow and your girls will leave you eventually. “They’re our only ones, Joel.” You flick your eyes to him. “They said I can’t have anymore.” Now you’re crying because this is your family. The whole thing. No more Miller babies unless you find some.
“They’re perfect and so are you. I don’t need anything else. Just you three. I mean it.” Joel reaches and holds your hand carefully. “I just need you, Bird. You and our girls.”
“I love you.” You whisper to him. Joel squeezes your hand gently.
“I love you, too.” Joel brings your hand to his lips and kisses the backs of your fingers and your wedding ring. “I’m gonna move us into a new house. Far away from that one.” Joel whispers against your hand. “Then we will burn it. Burn Ava’s house too. Burn all those bad memories.”
“Okay.” You don’t protest because you are tired. It also sounds like such a good idea. You love your smart husband. You can’t wait until you can be home with him in bed with your kids.
The next morning Joel and Ellie are in your room. The doctors said you could hold Nora for the first time. You’re already crying happy tears and Joel hasn’t even put her in your arms yet. The doctors still have you on medicine so you can’t breastfeed yet but you’ll hold her. Ellie brushes the hair out of your face and adjusts the pillows under your arms to support the baby as Joel places her so carefully into the crook of your elbow.
She is the most perfect thing you’ve ever seen outside of the fifteen year old next to you. Two actual perfect girls and they’re both all yours. Yours and Joel’s. Nora is small. You were further along than the doctors thought, she was still two weeks early but now…she is here and perfect and you love her immediately. You loved her before you woke up. But now you can feel her little body pressed against you. The little baby who had been kicking you so much now here in your arms.
The little cut on her cheek is healing. It’s small and will probably look like a dimple as she gets older. It’ll be a reminder to you of how lucky you were that night. You’re glad you don’t remember. You hope you never do.
“She looks like you.” Joel leans in and kisses your temple. “Our babybird.” Joel whispers into your ear. You can’t take your eyes off of her. You never thought you’d get your own. You were so content with Ellie. This is more than you could have ever imagined for yourself when you were stuck in the woods with your dad most of your life.
“She has your hair.” You pull your gaze away from her to look up at Joel. “Your mouth, too.” You look between the two of them again and she does. She looks like her dad, too. You look at Ellie who is smiling down at baby Nora. “Do you like her? You’ll be okay if our house is loud and filled with crying?” You whisper to her. Ellie nods, not taking her eyes off the baby.
“I love her.” She whispers. “I’ll never let anything bad happen to her. Ever.” You can hear how serious Ellie is in her tone. You know she means it and that gives you a sense of comfort. This baby is cared about. Will be protected by so many people. It makes you relax in your bed a little.
“Doctor said I can take you home as soon as you’re out of bed walking.” Joel runs his fingers through your hair and tilts your head to look up at him. “I’m gonna be gone more now, found a house. I gotta clean it up. Tommy and Lucas are gonna help. Billy’s getting everything form our old place and bringing it over in the car tomorrow.” Joel leans down and kisses your forehead. “Then we can start. Fresh. New. With our girls and be a real family. Then Millers.” Joel murmurs against your forehead. “Forever.”
Your new house is perfect. Dark blue. Two stories. Four bedrooms and three bathrooms. It’s incredible. The inside is a little run down. Joel said it’s easy to fix. He already fixed the bedrooms and the kitchen. Just needs a little work on the outside but it’s already better than the house two doors down from Ava’s. Nora’s nursery would be on the first floor with you and Joel and Ellie could have the upstairs again. She had her own bathroom now and loved it. Feels very special.
Ellie is sleeping in her own bed again. Joel lays the baby down in her crib next to your side of the bed and sits next to you.
“Your color is coming back a lil.” Joel rubs your thigh over the blanket gently.
“Why did you say Ava was going to steal her from us? How do you know that?” You whisper to him. Joel closes his eyes and squeezes your thigh.
“Bird, you don’t wanna—”
“Yes. You said it was Jackie's idea.” You’re heart is racing in your chest but you’ve been so curious for the last two weeks. Joel wasn’t around to ask, he was here working on the house as much as possible. “Tell me.”
“He was mad at you, Birdie.” Joel turns so his body is facing yours. “Papers all over the house– he was writing about you– saying you promised him your virginity.” Joel whispers quietly.
You had promised it to him. That night in the back of his car, naked with your fingers inside yourself. He asked if he could but you said no. You weren’t ready. You just wanted him to look. But you promised Jackie that he could have it if he was willing to wait for you. You just needed more time. Three weeks later the outbreak happened.
“Drinkin’. Fuckin’ taking caffinee pills or some shit. I dunno. He was all tweaked out.” Joel sighs and moves closer to you. “Ava had a nursery set up in her house like she was going to have a baby. She wasn’t pregnant though.” Joel presses his free hand to the side of your face as you listen to him speak. “I think they had this planned. For a while. I think he was going to do it to you.” Joel has tears in his eyes. You are too stunned to cry. “Then we killed him. Sounds like Ava wanted to go through with their plan though.” A tear falls from Joel’s eye. “I’m sorry. For everything. I promise you won’t have to keep almost dyin’ for our family.”
“I would die protecting them.” You whisper to Joel. “I know you would too.” You hold his hand to your cheek. “I don’t want either of us to have to do that. But I know we would.” You turn your head and kiss the inside of his palm.
“I’d die for all three of you. I don’t wanna. I wanna see you all grow old with me, like you said.” Joel whispers, crawling over you now to lay beside you. “I was so fuckin’ scared, Birdie.” He’s looking up at you from the pillows. “So scared of her.” Joel points to the crib. “She looks like you and if you hadn’t come home…I’d have to look at your face in her forever?” Joel is crying softly. “Don’t ever leave. Please. I can’t lose you.” Joel presses his face into your side and weeps softly.
“I’m stayin’ right here. Not goin’ nowhere.” You snuggle down slowly. You have so many stitches inside of your belly. Joel presses himself against you. His hand on your thigh because he knows your whole upper body hurts.
“I’m burning those houses down tomorrow. I can’t look at ‘em anymore.” Joel sighs rolling onto his back, his hand still holding onto your thigh. “Burnin’ down to the fuckin’ ground Bird.”
Notes:
^ there are like two stills of old Joel and no gifs yet wtf D: this will just have to do
like he isn't the most precious human
Chapter 16: Down
Summary:
"Burn 'em right to the fucking ground, Joel. Burn 'em big. Burn 'em fuckin' bright."- Birdie Miller
down- blink 182
another really good listen. also blink 182. do any of you still listen to their old stuff? I do everyday
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
The next night around eight thirty, Joel and you walk hand in hand back to the house you shared before you almost died for the second time.
“You don’t wanna go in there, Birdie-girl. I mean it.” Joel is insistent on this. He doesn’t wanna go back in there but he’s not letting you out of his sights for a while if ever again. You shrug your shoulders and look up at him. He stares down at your cheeks, finally pink with life again. You still have dark circles under your eyes. Joel kissed them every night when you were sleeping in the hospital.
“I do. I wanna go in there and then I wanna see Ava’s house.” You’re insistent. Joel sighs. He would do anything for you. Absolutely anything but he doesn’t want you to see what’s in there. Not in the nursery– mostly because it’s nice. Nicer than Joel could find out scouting– and he doesn't want you to see what’s in the basement. He had planned on burning it all. Joel had kept something from you and he didn’t want you to find out down there.
“Bird–”
“Joel. I have been through so fucking much. More than I ever thought I would go through. I made it further in my life than I expected. I can handle whatever is in there. I mean it. I need to see. I have to.” You stop walking and turn to him so he can see how serious you are. “I know it’s bad. I lived it. Had to live two doors down from people who had been plotting to steal our baby.” You snap at him in frustration and fear. “I’m going in there. I wanna go to Ava’s first.”
“Okay.” Joel wraps his arm around your shoulder and you two walk in silence to Ava’s. Once there, Joel leads you inside. He shows you to the nursery.
Everything in here was so clean. So white. Like it had been preserved this way. Cleaned daily. Cared for very well. The changing table was so nice. Something you would take and put in Nora’s room if it hadn’t been contaminated by Ava and Jacob’s evil presence. Never would put any of these nice things in your house. The rocking chair in the corner looks like one that had been in your living room as a kid. It makes you sad that your mom will never meet your daughter. Nor your brother or sister.
You do not cry.
Joel leads you down the stairs carefully. You’re still very sore. You’re appalled at the state of the living room. The rest of the house, honestly. You’re in shock at the difference between the spotless nursery and everything else. Filthy. Booze bottles everywhere. Trash. Boxes of diapers. You do tell Joel to take them. All of them. They’re unopened diapers. You could cry now– what an incredible find. The couch was all…torn apart? Stabbed maybe? Sliced carefully in some places. The cuts were all the same shape. A very small curve. Like the one across your lower stomach.
“They… practiced?” You show Joel the shape of the scar on your belly. Same exact shape and size. Joel shakes his head and kisses your belly carefully– it's soft and empty now, still swollen and bigger than it was before you got pregnant– he holds your hand and squeezes gently.
The walk down into the basement makes your heart race. This is where Joel said Jacob had been hiding out. He wasn’t wrong. It stunk down here like old booze and sweat and… come. It was fucking disgusting. The papers scattered all over the floor catch your attention.
…cunts get nothing nothing cunts get nothing and ava gets a baby ava gets baby and not… shes dead i hate her hate her hate her promises cant kep prmises cnt love me never loved me lied she lies she lies she lies i hate her. Hate her. Making promises I wanted her virginity i wanted it Thought she died sh was dead she was ded so no verginity none connies a virgin Connie virgin Connie said nono no no no no no no they all say no but i dont stop i dont stop i dot stop for noooooo i hate her everyone hate ava cant have babies good for nothing avas good for nothing good for nothing good for nothing … has a baby babybird for ava then we will fly away and momma bird will be dead dead dead gettin groomed i will groom you baby i hate you hate joel Old fuck joel ill kill him to ill kill that ugly girl Hate them family fucks her dad fucks her grandpa birdier fuks her dad did fuck her dad fucks her dad in the woods fucking her grandpa in the woods she fukd evrone in woods slut hate sluts hate women hate them all fuck bird fuck bird fuck bird fuck bird fuck bird fuck brd…
You drop that paper that had your real name on it and pick up another one off the floor and just start reading right in the middle of the page.
…house is nice bird is nice girl is nice joel is bad bad bad bad bad bad joel talked bad about ava talked about her cunt and her small tits said they were too small hate joel joel joel hate joel hate bird hate joel hate bird bird bird birdie bird. He fucks my bird she is my bird has been my bird was supposed to stay my bird alive she is alive shes alive fuckingcunt cunt shes a cunt i hate her hater hate she hates she hates me nver wanted to fuck die cunt she is a cunt i hate her die cunt wont kiss me hate her she promised her virgin cunt to me promised took it away took it took it gave it to her dad she fucked her dad dad fucked telling everyone she fucked her dadshe loved it fuckin her dad when she was lilttle liltte cunt loved dads dick whoe fuckin dad fucked her and she liked it loved it took dads cock in the woods telling everyone grooming shes a whore shes a whore hate joel hate hate kill them all…
“Bird, stop readin’ it.” Joel takes the paper out of your hand. He tosses it to the ground and wipes your face. You didn’t even realize you had been crying.
“What the fuck?” You’re shaking and feel light headed. “Did he tell people that? That my dad fucked me? Did he tell people that, Joel?” You’re having a hard time keeping yourself standing up on your own two feet. You take a step forward and your knee gives out. Joel has you under the arms and is holding you up. You stare up at him about to ask him again but Joel just nods silently.
People in his colony think that… you had an incestuous relationship with your father?
“Do people believe that? Did anyone believe him?” You’re panicking. “He never touched me. Never. My dad was an asshole but he never touched me.” Your skin feels clammy and cold and your heart is racing. “He took care of me. He never touched me. He never touched me, Joel. My dad loved me. He never touched me. He never touched me.” You cannot believe this. Jacob Harris knew your father. Knew him well. His dad and your dad had been friends before the outbreak. Jacob knew your dad would never.
“I know. I know, you don’t have to try and convince me, Bird. I believe you. I know he didn’t. I know he took care of you.” Joel holds your body close to his and cradles your head in his hand while you sob.
“People believed him? They believed him, Joel? Tell me the truth. Don’t lie, did they believe him? Please tell me no one believes that.” You’re inconsolable. Joel says nothing because he doesn’t want to lie to you but he knows the truth will hurt you. Some people did believe Jacob. Some people in this town believed him when he spoke even though he had a crazy look in his eyes. Jacob had been around for a long time. Why wouldn’t they trust what he says? Believed that Joel groomed Bird. That Bird and Connie did in fact have the mentality of a fifteen year old. Not the majority…but more than Joel would like to admit.
His silence is enough of an answer. You have to turn away from him. You stumble to the wall behind you and rest your hand against it. The other cradles your stomach. You retch and get sick on the floor. Joel is behind you, holding your hair away from your head.
“Burn this fucking house down. Burn it down and build a new one for a family who needs it but this place is fucking evil. Jacob was evil. A fucking monster.” You sigh and rest your head against your hand on the wall. “I don’t even want to live in this place anymore. People think those things are true?” You get sick again because you can’t even imagine that people are thinking those things about you and your family and poor Connie and Lucas.
“Let’s get outta here.” Joel takes you by the hand and lets you lead him upstairs. He follows behind you in case you fall– he’d catch you. “You still wanna go and look in our old house?” Joel asks as he grabs a box of diapers to carry outside. He does that with all eight boxes and leaves them on the sidewalk. “I’ll come get these with the car in a bit.” Joel kisses the top of your head before he goes back inside without you.
You know Joel is setting a fire. There is no one on either side of Ava, the house between you and on the other side are also empty but falling apart. This was perfect. Joel would burn them and then he and Tommy and Lucas and Billy would all rebuild them for someone who would eventually need them.
When he comes out he’s jogging. He meets you on the sidewalk and takes your hand. He slowly leads you two doors over from Ava’s and opens the front door. It smells worse in here than it did in Ava’s. It smells like death and decay and old blood. The spot where Ava bled out is stained into the bedroom floor. Your mattress… the almost brand new mattress Joel had worked so hard to get you…covered in your blood. You didn’t realize how much blood you lost on the bed. Your outline is clearly visible. The trail of blood from your room leads to the front door. You follow it until you get to the stairs.
“You wanna go up there?” Joel seems confused.
“Yeah.” Joel helps you get up there and you walk into Ellie’s room. It’s empty. Joel turns you to look at him and he looks confused.
“What’re you lookin’ for up here? We took everything.” He doesn’t understand.
“I had really good conversations here with her.” You sigh. “Told her that poem here for the first time.” Joel wraps you up in his arms and presses his lips to the top of your head as you continue to speak quietly. “We’d snuggle up here.” You feel the tears coming but you’re tired of crying and Ellie is home with Nora right now. So what are you sad for?
“I know, Birdie-girl. I know. I liked this house too. It was perfect for us.” Joel murmurs into your hair. “We’ll make more memories in our new house. It’s bigger. Better. No bad memories attached to any of it. We’ll make it a home. I’ll write Miller right on the mailbox.” This makes you chuckle.
“We never get mail.” You sniffle up to him. “I miss getting mail. Even junk mail. It was so exciting.” You purse your lips together for a kiss and he obliges happily. “I love you. I really love you so much.” You whisper as he pulls away. This makes him smile and kiss you again. "Burn 'em right to the fuckin' ground, Joel. Burn 'em big. Burn 'em bright."
“I love you more.” Joel sighs and leads you down the stairs and outside. Once at a safe distance Joel runs back in.
Ava’s house is smoking. No flames yet on the outside but you can see the flickering light in the big window of her living room. There are orange flames licking at the windows of the basement. Joel burned everything down there– all the evidence of those terrible lies. When Joel returns he holds you close to him and you watch as both houses slowly start to be engulfed in flames. It takes a long time. Longer than you expected a house to burn. You and Joel watch the entire time. You don’t go home until three in the morning. Ellie is sleeping in your bed, on your side next to Nora’s crib.
You remember when she complained about the possibility of having to watch a baby all the time once it came around. Joel and yourself offered to walk the baby to Maria’s while you did what you had to do but Ellie was insistent that she could do it and she didn’t want the baby to leave. Nora would stay with Ellie anytime you two needed to leave without the baby. No discussion about it. Those were Ellie’s words exactly. It made Joel laugh and give her a big hug.
Ellie looks happy, seems happy to you and Joel but you still worry for her. Don’t want her silently suffering in her heart. She doesn’t talk to you about the bad stuff. Still, she won’t open up about the things that happened to her or the things she did. Nothing. Not the hospital. Not after. Not what happened in the FEDRA school. Nothing. Only talking about the right now.
Nora is awake when you look into her crib. She isn’t crying. Isn’t fussy. She just looks up at you with the eyes you look at in the mirror every day.
“Joel, can you get her for me?” You whisper as he’s pulling his shirt off. He nods like it shouldn’t even have been a question to ask. You watch as he leans down into the crib and carefully cradles her head and neck into his shoulder.
“Now I don’t wanna give her t’you. I wanna hold her.” Joel smirks as you smirk back up at him. “Get into bed. Next to Ellie.” Joel nods his head and you carefully crawl into bed. Joel walks around to the other side and lays Nora down in between the two of you. You lay on your sides, resting on your elbows looking down at her.
“What’s her middle name? I picked her first, you get to pick her middle name.” You whisper to Joel, not taking your eyes off the baby beside you.
“Olivia.” Joel rips his gaze away from the baby to look up at you. “It was Sarah’s middle name. Is that ok–”
“Yes. Yes. Of course. Joel, that is beautiful.” You look up at him now. “Anything to honor her and remember her. Of course. Nora Olivia Miller.” You chuckle. “Her initials are NOM. She is a little nom. Nom her freakin’ face right off.” You lean down and kiss the baby on her forehead gently. “Nomnomnom.” You whisper against her skin. The baby makes a sound. A little ooo sound. It makes you and Joel laugh.
“I didn’t think I could love you more than I did before all this.” Joel is watching you kiss your daughter and speak to her gently. “I was wrong.” Joel leans down and kisses Nora Olivia on her forehead as well. His beard makes her jump when it touches her cheek. You both laugh again at the tiny child between you.
It’s been three months and everything is perfect. Nora is the most perfect baby. Why do people complain about babies? She sleeps through the night. Barely cries. She’s amazing and you do not understand why Maria is so tired all the time. You’re currently laying in bed with Ellie. Just looking at Nora. You do this every day. Sometimes, when Joel is home all three of you just sit and stare at her because she is really here.
She smiles. She smiles and you don’t know if she’s smiling because she’s happy or if it’s because… that’s just something babies do. You don’t know. You don’t care. She looks happy. She is happy when she suckles from your breast. She is happy in Joel’s arms and Ellie's. She is a happy baby and you love her. Are obsessed with her. It makes you happy that Ellie is just as obsessed.
The front door opens, heavy, clumsy footsteps find their way into your bedroom.
Dina.
You fucking love Dina. So damn much. She is a very good friend to Ellie because apparently that is all they are. Just friends. Which is fuckin’ fine with you. You just like that Ellie cannot get pregnant by Dina. That is the perk of having a daughter that likes girls. You hope Nora likes girls too when she is old enough. This is all terrifying. You cannot think of this anymore.
“Mrs. Miller–”
“Dina, please call me Bird or Birdie. You don’t need to call me Mrs. Miller, we’re on a first name basis now with how well you took care of both of my girls while I was unconscious.” You hold your arm out for her and she kicks her shoes off and crawls into the bed slowly. She gives you a big hug. “How was school?”
“Booooooring. So boring now that Ellie isn’t there.” Dina frowns at Ellie. “Levi still talks about you like he misses you or something.” Dina pushes Ellie’s shoulder teasingly.
“Gross. Hate that dickhole.” Ellie grumbles. “Glad I don’t have to see him every fuckin’ day anymore.” She stops frowning at Dina as soon as the baby coos up at her. “Sorry. I shouldn’t be swearing around you.” She tickles right under the Nora’s chin and makes her squirm. Nora’s arms shoot up over her head and her legs stretch out.
“You pressed her stretch button or somethin’.” Dina laughs and rubs the bottom of Nora’s sock covered foot gently. “She’s so cute. Did you guys do this all day again?” Dina looks at you knowingly. You put your finger over your mouth to shhh her playfully.
“Don’t tell Joel. We were supposed to do school stuff today but we couldn’t get out of bed.” You smirk. The front door opens again. This time the footsteps are soft, still clumsy but not as clunky and now Connie is in the doorway of your bedroom.
“Where is my stink!? I miss her– ain’t seen her in two whole days ‘cause of freakin’ Lucas– my lil sweet niece girl.” She holds her arms out as you pick Nora up off the bed. You hand her off to Connie. Nora is already holding her head up on her own. Joel says she’s stronger because of what she had to get through to get here.
Nora babbles at Connie.
“Yeah, I know. You gotta tell Uncle Luke to stop bein’ so selfish with your Aunt Connie.” She coos down to the baby. Nora babbles back softly with no real meaning. “I’ll tell him you said that, but you shouldn’t be usin’ such naughty words baby. You learnin’ from your big sister and your Dad.” Connie smirks up at Ellie and leans in to give her a side hug from the edge of the bed. “You lookin’ nice today. You let your Mom cut your hair finally?”
“Just trimmed it up.” Ellie smiles and shows off her newly trimmed ends.
“OH! Mrs. Birdie can you please cut my hair? Please? My dad is too scared and I’m honestly too scared to let him but I just wanna trim like Ellie’s! Please!?” Dina is desperate for this trim. You agree and take her into the bathroom. You don’t get much alone time with Dina. If any.
“Your mom doesn’t cut your hair?” You ask as you brush take the elastic out of her hair and brush it down and out in front of her shoulders.
“Nah. My mom isn’t around. My mom– she split when I was a little kid. Left my dad to try and take care of me.” It’s said to you like she explains it all the time. You knew Dina lived with her dad but there is a woman who lives with them. She sees the confusion in you face in the mirror. “Alice is my dads wife but not my mom. I wouldn’t ever ask her to cut my hair. You seen hers.” Dina rolls her eyes. Alice has a pixie cut. It’s cute on her and works but I can see why Dina would be afraid of letting Alice near here long almost black waves.
“Fair enough.” You smirk and start to trim away the dead ends. “I can do this whenever. Just come over and ask. I’ll never say no.” You smile at her softly in the mirror. She smiles back at you happily. “I mean what I said. Joel told me how often you were up at the nursery with Ellie. I just wanna say thank you again for keeping her company. Joel was having a hard–”
“Mrs. Bird, I dont mean to interrupt you but– you don’t have to thank me. Ellie is my best friend. I really love her. I’d do anything for her.” Dina is looking at you through the mirror. “I don’t know Mr. Miller real well…but I haven’t ever seen him like that. Ever.” She turns now to look up at you over her shoulder. “I was real worried about him until you woke up. Worried that if you didn’t wake up… Ellie and I would’a been takin’ care of Nora.”
“I know.” You lean down and kiss the top of her head gently. “You shouldn’t have had to think about that or worry. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry!” She sounds apologetic like that isn’t the reaction she wanted you to have. “No. Don’t be sorry. Mr. Miller loves you so much. As sad as it was… I hope someone loves me that much someday– looks at me the way Mr. Miller looks at you.”
“Dina… that’s so nice.” You’re in shock. You didn’t know that someone noticed how Joel looks at you. “I hope you get that one day, too. You’ll find it. I wasn’t even looking for Joel when I found him.” You smirk at her in the mirror. “I was trying to shoot rabbits.”
“Ellie told me that you taught her how to shoot on the road. That’s so cool. Alice can’t shoot for shit. She makes a real good beef stew though, holy crap.” Dina exclaims. You smirk again because you didn’t teach Ellie how to shoot. You sat beside her while Joel taught her but she’s telling people you did. You could break down crying right now.
“Do you know how to shoot?” You ask curiously to avoid crying happy tears.
“Nah. My dad said that now that we have the wall there isn’t a reason to learn. I should stick with Alice in the kitchen. I don’t mind though. I like to cook. I wish Alice could bake. She doesn’t like to though.” Dina might be the cutest kid that is not one of yours.
“I can teach you how to bake. My mom and grandma taught me how when I was young, but I never forgot.” You continue trimming the ends of Dina’s hair carefully. “Ellie doesn’t give a shit about baking. Never wants to bake with me, just eat the end result.”
“Shut up— I’m sorry, I didn’t mean you shut up– That’s amazing. Now that you guys live so close I’ll be here everyday! Teach me everything. Can you make cookies?” Dina is staring at you through the mirror with hopeful eyes.
“I can try. We’d have to experiment a little and see if we can get a good recipe.” You know that there are things that you cannot get. Brown sugar is one of them. Chocolate chips. Any kind of candy really. You’ll think of something though for Dina.
“I’ll come over this weekend!” She sounds so excited.
“Sounds great. We’ll all be here.” You finish your trim and wipe down the back of her shirt of access trimmings. “All done. Go play with the baby.” You smile and kiss the top of her head again.
“Thanks Mrs. Bird. I appreciate it so much.” She turns around and gives you a big hug. You chuckle and hug her back tightly
“You’re always welcome here, Dina. I mean it.” You whisper against her hair.
“Thank you, Mrs. Bird. I love it here. You guys have such a nice home.”
Is she trying to butter you up for something? Does she want to move in? You’d let her. You have the extra room upstairs. You almost wanna ask her but remember she has a dad. Ew. A dad who won’t let her shoot? Gross. You’ll teach Dina how to shoot. With Ellie. Just the gals. One day you’ll teach Nora to shoot with Joel and Ellie, too.
Dina runs out into your bedroom. Connie hands the baby to Dina and nods you out into the kitchen.
Once out there Connie is vibrating with excitement. She can’t even wait to ask what’s going on.
“I’m gettin’ married!” She exclaims while holding up her hand for you to inspect the ring on her finger.
“Holy shit. Where did Lucas get this? It’s fucking huge.” You’re in awe at the size of the rock on her finger. Holy moly. It’s three…maybe four times the size of yours.
“It was his moms. It was one of the few things he was able to grab off her before she turned.” Connie explains sadly. “Then he had to kill her.” She frowns but it’s quickly lost to the smile she cannot get rid of. “Said he’d been savin’ if for the love of his life ! You hear that– I’m the love of his life, Birdie!”
“Connie! I am so happy and excited for you!” You wrap your arms around her and the both of you bounce excitedly.
“We’re gon’ have a big ceremony and a reception at the town hall. I always wanted one.” Connie explains while looking adoringly at her wedding ring. “I didn’t just come here to see Nora. I came here to ask if you’d be my Maid of Honor.” Connie holds your hands gently. “You’re my best friend. Shan and Maria are going to be my bridesmaids. It just seems fitting that you stand on the other side of me when I get married. You gave me the courage to go talk to him. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you.”
“Yes. Easiest yes of my life.” You hug her again. You’re so honored. You’d love to stand next to Connie as she gets married to the love of her life. Lucas treats her so good. He shared a house with a friend of his from before he met the colony, so he went back to her old house she shared with Jacob and cleaned the whole thing out. Got new furniture and everything she could need to be able to live there again with no bad memories. Does everything for her. Connie took over running the market shortly after Jacob disappeared.
No one cared. A few people asked where he had run off too. That was the story. He ran away. It drove Ava mad and that’s what caused her to try and cut the baby out of your belly. Everyone believed it. Seemed believable enough. Ava had become more and more reclusive as Jacob moved into her basement. Started slowly going crazy right along side Jacob, apparently.
You don’t know why Jacob became so obsessed with you. You have an idea but it seems crazy. The papers in the basement made it seem more believable. Jacob really thought you promised him your virginity. When he saw you again after all these years and had a boyfriend he got jealous. He did say something about you two never breaking up– you thought it was a ha ha funny joke. After all this and everything he did…maybe he really thought that? You’ll never know. You’re not sure you want to.
Dina and Ellie are in the kitchen already making Joel a coffee for when he gets home from work. Connie is at the table holding the baby and cooing at her playfully. Blowing raspberries in her face gently. Nora fucking loves Connie. You can’t wait for Connie to have her own baby. She’s going to be such a good mom. She’s already such a good aunt to Nora.
The door opens and their are more footsteps than normal. Joel and Lucas come around the corner.
“You’re never gonna guess what I just got asked.” Joel is chuckling and looking a little stunned. “I just got asked to be someone's best man.” Joel sounds so proud of himself. You smirk. “Lemme guess. Maid of honor?” He points at you and you nod with a satisfied grin. You’ll never take away from Connie and Lucas’ special day but… you’ll be able to walk down the aisle with Joel at least one time. You didn’t want or need a big ceremony but maybe you’ll just pretend for one minute that everyone in that church would have been at your wedding if you had one. It makes you smile at Joel and push yourself up on your toes to kiss his lower lip gently.
Joel smirks down at your attempts to kiss him without leaning down to meet you. Not kissing you back, just watching you try to kiss him. He smirks when you whine softly and then he drops down to meet your lips.
“Love you, pretty girl.” He murmurs against your lips. You love when he fucking does that. God dammit he’s so fucking hot and he is your husband. Fuck yes. “Where is my baby?” Joel snaps his head up and sees Lucas holding Nora. “You got two minutes bud. I ain’t seen her all fuckin’ day. Miss her.” Joel turns his head back to you and kisses you again. He stands upright and goes to the kitchen to greet Ellie.
“Dad!” She exclaims loudly. “I hate when you do that!” She’s laughing. He’s tickling her. “Fuck off, Dina. Not you too!” Ellie is laughing harder at the team of ticklers she’s up against.
That night in bed with Joel he is inside of you. Pumping slowly as he holds himself over you. He’s just watching as you pant softly underneath him. You stare up at him, your hands roam across his chest and shoulders as he takes his time being inside of you.
Since you had Nora the sex is different. It’s slow and gentle and caring. You like it but you miss being treated like a slut! You loved when Joel would spit in your mouth and the one time he slapped your face a little. You think about that all the time. You miss his hard aggressive thrusts into you. The ones that just punch the air right out of your lungs. You miss his dirty talk the most! What the fuck happened to that man in the medical center? Did they remove the vocal cords that make him say the things you like? What the hell, dude? He got you into that kind of sex and then he just takes it away! Like he has the right to do that.
You haven’t said anything though because Joel barely fucks you now!! What the fuck!!!!?????? It’s like he’s scared he is going to break you or something. He still makes you come when he does fuck you, but he doesn’t go down on you anymore. He doesn’t kiss you during sex. Doesn't finger you. It’s like he barely likes you during sex anymore. He just wants to stare at you. Watch you move underneath him the way he is right now. You’ve tried dirty talking up to him– you get moans and grunts and hums in response. You try to fuck in different positions and the only other one he wants is you being on top. Even then he looks right into your eyes and never anywhere else.
What. The. Fuck.
You come. You do. He makes you come and then right after he comes. And thats sex now apparently. That’s what sex is like after a baby and now you know why Joel said you’d hate him after the baby got here.
Everything else is normal. He loves you exactly the same as he did before and after Nora as soon as his cock is out of you. Hugging and kissing on you. Calling you sweet names. You hate it.
He doesn’t remove himself from you anymore either. He keeps it in there until it’s soft and it comes out on it’s own. He is full of new things. He never does that!! What the hell is going on. You had to literally beg him to fuck you after the doctors gave you the okay for fun time in the bedroom. That was two weeks ago! You had to do so much healing. The normal six weeks wasn’t enough. You torn pretty badly, plus had all those stitches. You thought at first it was because he didn’t want to hurt you but then he never initiated it again. You had to every time and each time it was exactly the same. Staring. No talking– just satisfied moans and hums, he wasn’t completely silent the whole time, just not his normal talkative self in the bedroom– and now the staying inside you until it slides out.
“You okay?” You whisper to him as he rolls beside you. You haven’t asked him about it at all because you have been too nervous to know why he doesn’t want to have sex anymore. Joel raises an eyebrow at you. “You’re just a lil different since the baby.” You run your hand down his cheek and scratch his beard with your nails gently. Joel lets out a low happy groan from his chest when you do it.
“How?” He asks curiously.
Is he fucking serious?
“I dunno. You just don’t seem… as interested in me anymore.” You murmur. You’re embarrassed. Joel tilts his head to the side. “Not in the bedroom at least.” Now he frowns at your words.
“What’d you mean? I never tell you no.” He smirks but he looks nervous. You sigh and scratch your fingernails all over his beard, focusing on his chin especially.
“I know. You also never try anymore.” You try not to sound to accusatory.
“You’re a new mom. I’m not tryin’ to bother you all the time–” You cut him off.
“Okay. I can appreciate that. Thank you.” You stare up at him. “Why is it different?” Joel pinches his brows together and pulls his chin from your fingernails.
“What’d you mean?” He sounds defensive. Doesn’t like your question. Your stomach drops and your heart starts to race.
“I dunno.” You respond nervoudly and avert your gaze from his narrow, angry looking eyes. What the hell? You should’a just accepted the come thankfully and gone to bed. Fuck. “You just… I dunno. You don’t talk anymore. You don’t touch me or kiss me. We don’t do the things we used to do.” Your voice is shaking you’re so nervous and you don’t really know why.
Joel doesn’t say anything, his brows don’t un-pinch. His eyes don’t soften. Nothing. For what feels like forever. Your stuck now, just staring up at his unchanging face. His eyes are scanning your face.
“Can you say something?” You whisper to him nervously.
“I dunno. Dunno why. I can’t anymore. I dunno.” Joel closes his eyes and lays his head back down on the pillow. “Sorry, Bird.”
Then this motherfucker rolls over to face away from you.
What the fucking fuck.
Notes:
^ that lil smirk?
scuse me while I go do somethin' real quick
also, what the fuck Joel?
also I hope I portrayed how crazy Jacob was in those letters in the basement.
Chapter 17: Change
Summary:
Things are different. Very different.
Oh how things can change in three months.
Notes:
SPOILER WARNING FROM HERE ON OUT: SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS POTENTIAL SPOILERS
I do not plan on going completely cannon to the video games. I did however read the entire plot and everything that happens. I went into this story not knowing what the fuck happens in TLOUP2 video game. So that was real fun for me. However, I do like the story line and I like that whole idea so i'm doing my own spin on it like I did with such small hands. just a fair warning for you. I say potential because... I don't know what's going to happen in season two it's probably very similar to the fucking video game so. Like I said. I'm not taking the whole thing, but probably spoliers for the upcoming show which is why I am nervous to do this!!!!!!!! ugh. okay. i'm rambling.
I did see one part of the trailer that I really like for S2 so I stole it. Okay? Took it right from the show and I don't even care. I'm gonna be completely honest. I want Catherine O'hara in my story. Simple. I love her. I want her in here. I have no idea the capacity she is going to have in the show. None of us do. She's completely non-canon in this. we stan Catherine O'Hara and Pedro Pascal, okay? Her name is probably different in the show but the therapist is Catherine o'hara. don't care.
I'm sorry this is such a long summary, I have so much to say because the vibe in the story really changes from here on out. I don't want to start a whole new story. Just going to have seventy- thousand chapters of this one.
give me some feed back. I have 1 more chapter written after this, so if it's not going in a direction that you want... maybe I could change that. I dunno. I love this story and birdie has become a beloved character to me. I also just love my version of Joel. I can't help it. I wrote him, so. I'm rambling because I'm nervous and idk how you guys are going to feel about it :/ let me know. you guys are amazing and I always appreciate every kudo and comment and all of that. thanks to everyone who read all of this. idk why but I'm so scared to post this D:
change- lana del rey
Chapter Text
“Sit. Get comfortable.” She is a nice lady. Her voice is so comfortable. “I’m not an actual therapist. I was in school getting my degree when the outbreak happened, just keep that in mind. I just want to help. I know that these past twenty-plus years haven’t been easy on anyone.” Her name is Patricia. She goes by Patti. She is your only hope. You have been struggling. “You mentioned that you just had a baby six months ago?”
You stare at her. You feel… hollow. You nod silently.
“Are things okay at home? You said you have an older daughter as well when we spoke in the market.” She pushes. You get angry and you do not know why. You asked for this. You met this nice eyed woman at the market with your sweet perfect baby. Patti saw something in your eyes when she handed you the toy that Nora had thrown on the floor. It was hard to bend over to pick things up when you had her wrapped up close to your chest like this. Patti was kind. Asked if you were okay. The immediate tears in your eyes told her that you were not. She told you she is a therapist for a couple different people in town.
That’s how you ended up in her living room three days later. Ellie had Nora. Joel was at work. He didn’t know you were here.
“Are you safe at home?” Patti asks after several minutes of silence from you. You didn’t know what to say.
“Yeah.” Your mouth is unbelievably dry. “Yeah. I’m safe.” You clear your throat and pray for your mouth to produce more saliva from the glands under your tongue but it does not work.
“So what is wrong? If nothing is wrong, we can just talk. I’m unbiased in any of the issues you might be having.” She sounds so nice. You want to crawl in her lap and cry into her chest.
“I don’t know.” You croak out dryly. “I was happy when she was born. I was happy three months ago.” You don’t want to be talking to her about any of the issues you have been having because they are embarrassing and they make you feel like a bad mom and a bad wife and a bad person. Your eyes well with tears as you think about them.
Your throat is on fire but you do not ask for a glass of water for some fucking reason. You would love one. You wish she would offer you something but she is just sitting there with her kind eyes, smiling at you very gently. She looks like she feels bad for you and you’re sitting here choking on your own mouth.
“I… used to get up every day and do things with the baby. I’d do things with Ellie.” You did. Up until three months ago you would get out of bed and bake. You’d do enriching things with your child. You’d make everyone dinner with Ellie’s help. Now that all falls on Ellie and Joel. “I just can’t– I can’t get out of bed most days.” You try to blink the tears away but they deceive you and fall down your cheeks very obviously. “I can’t sleep even though I am exhausted all the time. I stopped producing breast milk because I can’t eat. Nothing tastes good anymore.” You’re letting it all out. It all started when the tears rolled down your cheeks. It was like they unzipped your face as they fell.
“It could be postpartum depression. It’s very common. Easily treated.” She shrugs like it’s so simple.
“My husband doesn’t trust me to be alone with the baby most of the time.” You swallow hard. “I…” You can’t even say what you almost did in the tub that day a month ago. “It was an accident. I just… started to think about things and I stopped–” You chin is quivering too hard. “Joel got there before anything bad happened but now he’s mad at me. I think he hates me.” You sob now because you believe this to be the truth.
“It’s very, very common for those things to happen when postpartum depression is a factor. It’s good you’re here. This helps. Talking.” She is reassuring but it doesn’t make you feel better.
“What do I even talk about? I just told you everything.” You could roll your eyes at her but you don’t. You’re not an asshole.
“Everything. What was your life like after the outbreak?” She tilts her head as if she is actually interested.
“It was just me and my dad. For like almost sixteen years.” You give this information freely like she is a truth charmer– charming the truths right out of your mouth! How is she doing that? You do not stop there. “We were in the woods most of the time. He didn’t trust the cities. We’d find a colony. Eat for a day and then take off again.”
“So… you didn’t grow up with many people around?” Patti’s voice is doing something to you. It is charming you to tell her everything.
“No. Not any… really.” You whisper softly.
“How old were you when the outbreak occurred?”
“I was fifteen. I thought I was grown back then.” You chuckle at the thought and then stop because it’s not really funny. “I was just a kid, really. Being stupid. Not prepared for that outbreak at all. I don’t know how my dad kept me alive… don’t really know why either.” You’re not looking at Patti anymore. You stare down into your lap and pick at your thumb skin. “So mean all the time. Shoved me around a bunch. Got in my face and just said terrible things about me when I fucked up.” Another swallow that almost doesn’t happen because of how dry your throat is. “But at least he talked to me then. Never really talked to me much other than bein’ mean.”
“I’m sorry.” Patti whispers back to you. “Did your dad ever…” Patti trails off and your body stiffens.
“No.” It is said clearly and slowly. “He barely looked at me. Only ever put his hands on me to push me around or to grab me out of the way if I wasn’t paying attention.” You hate Patti’s question. It makes your blood boil.
“I just wanted to make sure. There are no judgements if anything did—”
“What did you hear? Huh? Did you hear something about me?” You snap at Patti but she looks a little shocked at your reaction. You suddenly are embarrassed again, not angry. “I’m sorry.” You offer a sincere apology.
“None needed but why do you say that?” Patti is curious again. You said something interesting to her ears. Now it’s going to get real.
“My boyfriend from right before the outbreak was here in the colony when me and my husband and oldest daughter came back— they came back. I came for the first time, really. I had stopped in once for a week but left– once we all came back though I saw my ex boyfriend for the first time in over twenty years.” Pattis eyes light up when you say this.
“That’s so exciting. I feel like that doesn’t happen often nowadays.” She is too hopeful for your past self.
“That’s what I thought, too. But he just ended up being…” You don’t even have the word for what he was. “I dunno. He just wasn’t the same person I remember.” You are sad about this. “It’s like one of the few good memories I had from before the outbreak was taken from me. All those good memories of him are tainted now.” You wrinkle your nose in distaste. “We talked about our time during the outbreak. He tried to kiss me and I didn’t reciprocate. I think that made him mad.” You whisper, looking down again because this is shameful. “He told a lot of people that my father and I were in a… sexual relationship… with each other…” You feel more hot tears coming to your eyes.
“That’s horrible.” Patti whispers softly.
“You haven't’ even heard the worst of it.” You murmur. You tell her about what Jacob and Ava did to you.
“No wonder you’re struggling. You have post-traumatic stress disorder. I’m sure of it.” Patti sits up in her chair. “What is your relationship like with your husband? Since all of this happened.”
“Not great. Not anymore.” You want to die, honestly. You don’t think Joel loves you anymore. “We barely talk. He sleeps on the couch most nights.” His premonition came true. It’s you and Ellie and Nora in the big bed. “He’s almost never home.” You’re ashamed to say the next part. “He doesn’t ever want to have sex with me– fuck, that’s how we met. Fucking. Every four days in the woods– now I’m lucky if we say four words to each other.” More tears fall from your eyes because you’re looking at your wedding ring
Now you can wear this. Remember when I’m not here to tell you.
He never tells you anymore.
“Has he talked to anyone about what happened?” She asks curiously. You shake your head no.
“Won’t even talk to me about it.” You whimper through tears. “Only people he talks to are our oldest daughter and his brother. I don’t know if he talks to them about this though. I highly doubt it.”
“You should have him come see me.” Patti’s suggestion makes you snort with laughter.
“I’ll try but you’ll never see him in here.”
You asked Ellie to sleep in her room tonight. You also asked her to take Nora for a couple hours so you can talk to Joel when he gets home. It’s later than usual but he’s coming through the front door and you’re waiting for him on the couch.
“Hey.” Joel says it so causal. Like you guys are buddys from the bar or something.
“Hi.” It’s small because you are scared to death. Your leg is shaking and your heart feels like it is going to beat right out of your chest. “Can we talk?”
“I’m real tired. Had a long day.” Joel kicks his boots off and leans against the front door, looking down at his feet. “You okay?” He asks even though you don’t think he cares about the response.
“Not really.” You stare at him looking at his feet. He doesn’t even look up at you.
“I’m sorry.” Joel whispers. He does nothing else!
“Do you stil–” You have to breathe the tears away. “Do you still love me?” The tears come streaming down your face anyway as you talk. This does make Joel look up at you. He nods. That’s it. “I don’t think you do.” You wipe the tears from your cheeks. This pulls Joel off the door and he sits down in the chair across from you on the couch.
“I do still love you.” Joel leans and rests his arms on his elbows. He looks at you but he doesn’t make eye contact for long. Now he looks at the floor. “I do.”
“Why can’t I feel it then?” You ask calmly. Joel shrugs. “Look at me.” He doesn’t.
“Bird.” Is all he says, still looking at the floor. You drop to your knees on the hardwood and crawl over to him. You place yourself between his legs and make him look at you.
“I’m here.” You sob softly. “I’m here. Right here. Just talk to me.” Joel touches you for the first time in weeks and you melt against his hands cupping your face and you sob harder. “Just talk to me. I can’t live like this— I don’t want to. I hate this. I hate it so much it’s killing me. Literally it’s killing me, Joel.” You sure that he can’t understand you because you’re crying so hard. This is unlike any crying you’ve done before You can barely breathe and the tears are constant. They aren’t drops, it's like you turned the tub on. They’re flowing. “I don’t eat. I can’t sleep. You promised you would never hurt me. You’re going to kill me, Joel. I can’t do this anymore, please talk to me. Touch me. Love me again, please.” You’ve resorted to begging. You don’t care if it’s pathetic, you are desperate.
Joel stares down into your wet, snot covered face and wipes your tears away with his thumb. You lean into his hand because you have missed his touch. You’d die if it meant he would just touch you like this again. He doesn’t speak. You watch as his beautiful brown eyes scan your face rapidly. Never staying in one spot too long.
“If it’s about what happened in the tub, I am so sorry.” You thought you were crying hard before, your whole body is shaking and you think you’re going to throw up. “I hate myself for it. I really do. Please don’t you hate me for it too. Please.”
“I don’t hate you.” Joel leans down and presses his lips to your forehead and he holds them there for so long. You stop crying because you want to take this in. You want to enjoy this feeling because you don’t know when you’ll ever get it again. If ever. You whine softly when he pulls away and start to cry again. “Don’t cry.” Joel whispers. He’s got tears in his eyes now too. “Please don’t cry.”
“I can’t help it. My husband won’t touch me or talk to me. You sleep on the couch like you can’t stand to be near me–”
“I can’t stand to be near myself, Bird.” Joel chokes it out as the tears start to flow down his cheeks now. He eases himself to his knees so he can be in front of you on the floor. He presses his body against yours. His chest is so strong against yours and he feels so warm. He smells like whiskey and weed.
“I want to be near you. I can stand it. I need it, Joel. I can’t constantly be rejected anymore.” You whisper up to him as his hands roam across your sides and back, pressing you close to him. “I c-cant.”
“I know. I know.” Joel presses his lips to the top of your head with force. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I did this to you.” Joel murmurs softly. “You’re all scarred up ‘cause of me.” Joel barely speaks. “It’s hard to look at you.”
“What!?” You exclaim angrily. “I sacrificed my body for this fucking family and now you'tr ashamed of it!?” You shout now. “I didn’t want these fucking stretchmarks, Joel—” He cuts you off speaking fast and apologetically.
“Not your stretch marks no, no, no. I love those. It’s everything else. You thigh and your belly, your belly button. All of it.” Joel chokes back another sob. “I did that to you. I couldn’t protect you. I couldn't. I can’t. How am I going to take care of all three of you when I’m the reason these things keep happening? Couldn’t keep you safe in the hospital. Couldn’t keep you safe here.” Joel is looking down at you now, staring directly into your eyes. “I hate myself for what I did to you- what I put you through. You didn’t deserve any of that– none of it. Not one single thing. And it’s all my fault.” Joel rests his head on your shoulder. “I’m the worst thing that ever happened to you, Bird.”
“You gave me my kids!” You shout at him again in frustration. “You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t care how much blood I lost or how many fucking bullets I took. Joel—” You pull away so he can see you, look into your eyes. “I would do it all over again. Every single thing if it brought me here. Right here in this house with you. I would do it all over again— I’d do it a million times if it would just fix things between us. I’d give anything to have you back in that bed with me. Have you back inside me the way you used to be. I’d give literally anything.”
“How can you love me? How? I’ve given nothing to this family and you almost died twice, What do you love me for? I don’t have anything to offer you–” You shove him in the chest.
“How can you say that? How can you say you have nothing to offer me?” You hold your hands out to the beautiful house you live in and then you point upstairs. “Those girls and you are my whole world, you don’t need to offer me anything else because you’ve given it to me! Do you not understand that? I have everything I could ever want except my husband that gave me this amazing life. You’re out here on the couch!”
“I’m sorry.” Joel has more tears in his eyes, “I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t know what to do, Bird.” Joel sounds like he is hopeless. Maybe this is the right time to bring it up.
“I went and talked to someone today. A therapist, her name is Patti.” You lean into Joel again and rest your head on his chest. He cradles you close to him. “She said I probably have postpartum depression and post-traumatic stress disorder– whatever those are.” You sob softly. “I think you should go talk–”
“”Bird I’m not talking to a strang–”
“If you don’t talk to her…” You pull away to look at Joel with the most serious eyes you can. “I’ll take the girls and go stay with Connie and Lucas.” Joe pinches his brows at you. “I mean it. I’m not joking when I say I can’t live like this.” You are serious. Even though it’s killing you inside. “I want you to come to bed with me, and I want you to hold me close and tell me you love me. Show me that you still care about me because I try! I’m trying right now. You don’t even try. Try. Go talk to her. Try.” You weep quietly because you feel defeated. “Try or I can’t stay. I won’t.”
Joel stares down at you and his face softens.
“You want to go to bed?” He gets to his feet and helps you stand and then Joel lifts you. Under the arms he picks you up and lets you wrap your legs around his waist. Then he carries you into the bedroom. Setting you down gently on the bed. He looks into Nora’s crib and before he can say anything you tell him she’s in the bassinet in Ellie’s room. Joel nods and lays down on the bed so he can be beside you.
“I’m not trying to threaten you.” You whisper to him while you stare at the ceiling. Joel's hand rubs across your belly. It’s flatter now than before you got pregnant because you don’t eat. He runs his hand across your thighs and up over your chest. “I just want you back. I want our girls to have their mom and dad– in love. Not just tolerating one another–”
“I don’t just tolerate you, Bird.” Joel sighs into your ear softly. “I do love you.” Joel says it for the first time in days. It brings tears to your eyes again. “I love you more. ” He kisses the side of your head gently. “I wish I could put you in my head, Bird.” He gropes of your breasts very gently. “You’d understand that this isn’t about you. I’m dealin’ with more than just you gettin’ hurt. I don’t sleep in bed with you because most nights I’m drunk. You told me I talk and tell you things…you don’t wanna know these things, Birdie. You don’t. You’d think I was a monster. You’d think I was terrible. I am terrible.”
“You don’t get to decide what I think is terrible–” You start but Joel just puts his fingers over your mouth gently.
“The things I’ve done are terrible. Whether you think so or not. I think they are terrible. I hate myself for doing them.” Joel whispers into your ear. “I love you so fuckin’ much, Bird. More than I ever thought was possible to love someone. I really do. I promised you I would never leave. Never hurt you. I’ll go talk to her. I’ll go. I’ll try.”
“Do it for yourself. Don’t do it for me. Do it for you. I’ll still be here. I’ll be here as long as you’re trying but do it for yourself. Get back to the man who was the man who gave me this ring.” You hold your hand up so you can look at it. “You had your hands all over me, you couldn’t stop telling me you loved me. You were happy then, I think–”
“I was. I was so happy, Bird. I remember that night so well. I was so nervous because I didn’t think the ring was big enough–”
“It’s perfect. You are perfect. I married you because I love you. For better or worse or whatever they say. I’m in this…you just have to try. Please don’t say you will just to make me happy. Really do it. Really go and talk to her.” You’re begging again. Joel hasn’t taken his hand away from his chest.
“You don’t breastfeed anymore.” Joel whispers softly.
“I can’t.” You’re embarrassed. Joel kisses the side of your head again.
“Why?” He sounds worried about you. His body feels so good pressed against yours.
“It dried up when I stopped eating.” You mumble quietly. “Food just… is a chore now. It’s all a chore. I dunno why. It just is.” You could crawl inside yourself for telling Joel all this.
“I’m sorry, baby. I am. I’ll go talk to her. I’ll go there tomorrow.” Joel kisses your head again, twice. “Will you walk with me?”
“Yes, of course. I’ll do anything for you. I always have done anything for you.” You turn to be on your side so you can look at him. “I love you so much. So, so much. I wish all my love could fill you up so you could love yourself as much as I do. I know, I know what you’re feeling because I feel those things too.” You kiss him gently on the lips and hold yourself there as he cries softly. You know the pain that he is in. You are in the same pain. You and Joel are suffering the same exact way. “I hate myself, too.” Your murmuring against his lips and he’s kissing you gently as you speak.
“How? You’re the most perfect Bird I’ve ever seen.” Joel whispers in between kissing you. “Those girls in there love you, I love you.” Joel tries to comfort you as he suffers himself. It’s at this moment that you know he still loves you. He’s crying, he’s hurting just as badly as you are but he’s trying to do everything he can to make you stop hurting before him.
“You’re just as perfect. You are. You are a great father and a great husband. I know you are, I’ve fallen asleep next to the great husband and father every night up until three months ago.” You’re running your hands through his hair and gripping it gently as you do because he’s right here. You can breathe him in and smell him. You don’t like that he’s intoxicated and smells like weed and whiskey, but you love that he’s here. “I miss him.”
“I miss you. I miss holding you. You're so soft, Birdie. So soft and I’m too rough. I’m too rough with soft things.” Joel’s eyes are closed at your gentle petting of his scalp.
“I miss you being rough with me, Joel. I miss it so fucking much. I need it so fucking bad.” You’re whimpering against his mouth. Joel hums but it doesn’t sound like a happy hum.
“I’m sorry, Bird. I just can’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Joel sounds so disappointed in himself.
“Not now. No, no. Not now. Not right this minute. But I need it. I miss it. I miss you. I miss hearing your voice during. I miss feeling your hands on me.” You run your hand down to the back of his neck and pull him closer to you. “Touch me. Please. Just take me in your arms and hold me.” You’re begging. Joel wraps the arm that is supporting him underneath your waist. He rolls onto his back and pulls you on top of him. In this position Joel can wrap his arms around your back and hold you close to his chest.
Joel lets out a sigh, a big long one.
“I missed you.” His arms hold you against him tightly. “I was out on the couch missin’ you. So bad, Bird.” He presses his lips to the spot underneath your right eye. “I just feel like a fuckin’ imposter. I thought if I tried hard enough to be good, I could be. I can’t. I’m gonna turn you into a monster. Our kids. I’m gonna fuck them up, Bird. I lied to Ellie, I lied to her so bad,” His voice cracks. “I love her so much n’ lied right to her face. Lied right to your face. A lot. I fucked up, Bird. I’m a fucked up guy. I should have never dragged you into this.” Joel’s words make you numb.
Lied. Imposter. Monster.
“Did you at least tell me the truth eventually? The things you lied about?” You whisper with your eyes closed.
“I don’t even remember.” Joel whispers back to you.
Oh.
You say nothing else. You rest your head on his chest and keep your eyes closed. Joel rubs your back gently and runs one hand down across the back of your head. You feel nothing. It’s like you remember everything he had ever lied about, anything he could have lied about and now are making up lies in your head. You don’t want to be on top of him anymore. You’re angry about the lying. Mad that he would ever. You’ve lied. You think about the lie you told him that almost cost you and your daughter your lives. That someone would have been with you that night. You think about the big lie.
“I’ve lied to you, too.” You whisper. “I lied to you a couple times.” Your heart is pounding in your chest. “My mom didn’t get taken out by the infected.” You whisper softly. “She wouldn’t stop c-crying…” You’re whimpering. “M-My dad m-made me– said he’d leave me for the infected if I didn’t. I was so scared. So fucking scared, Joel. I didn’t know what else to do.” You barely speak. You’ve never told anyone this. Ever. Your dad told you not to. Said if you ever spoke about it again or kept crying like she did, he’d do it to you. “I really l-l-loved my mom.” Joel holds your body close to his. “I’ve lied to Ellie, too. I told her the same lie you did, Joel.”
“I’m so sorry, Bird. I’m sorry.” Joel sounds… like himself right now. Not sad. Protective. Worried about you like always. “Did you tell that lady about your mom?”
“No. I didn’t. I don’t like talkin’ about it. I didn’t ever wanna tell anyone but you’re not the only one who lies. You’re not the only one who fucks up. You’re not the only who did fucked up things that replay in your head over and over again. Over and over. It’s worse now that I don’t sleep.” You whisper. You haven’t had more than three hours sleep in a night in over three weeks.
“I’ll go talk to her. I will.” Joel whispers into the side of your head. “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep next to me?” His voice is low and deep and perfect.
“I’ve been waiting to sleep next to you.” The sleep is already in your voice with your head on his shoulder like this. “Please don’t go to the couch.” You whimper as Joel rolls you onto your side, still holding on to you tightly.
“I’m gonna burn that couch.” He murmurs into your hair as he snuggles into your closely. He pulls the covers up over the two of you and brings his arm back around your waist. “Never leave you, Bird. Never.”
Nora’s cooing and babbling wakes you up. It’s a welcomed sound after a decent nights sleep. You’re expecting the bed to be empty but Joel is still wrapped around you. You open your eyes and your adorable six month old baby girl is smiling at you. Reaching up to touch your face and grab at your lips. Ellie is staring down at you from the edge of the bed. She is beaming.
She has been struggling with you and Joel being so distant almost as much as you! She sees a difference in Joel. Sleeping on the couch, barely ever home. So quiet. Unaffectionate with you… which is very unlike him. She’s happy to see you guys together.
“Sorry that you had her all night, Squeak. We needed to talk.” You mumble up to her as the baby puts her fingers in your mouth.
“It’s okay. I only had to wake up with her one time to feed her but then she went right back to bed.” Ellie leans over and kisses your forehead gently. “I changed her, fed her. We played for a while but I want to go to the movie—”
“Go. Go have fun and be a kid and be my perfect daughter, always. Okay?” She smirks at your words and nods her head. “Good choices, kid. Love you.”
“Love you too, Mommabird!” She calls out as she runs out of the room. Joel stirs and lifts his head.
“Love you.” He mumbles into your ear sleepily. It makes you chuckle. Nora babbles loudly and Joel jolts and sits up behind you. “My girl.” Joel reaches over you and picks her up and blows a raspberry on her bare belly. Nora squeals. “Ticklish.” He does it again and she laughs. “Just like your mom n’ sister.” Joel lays back down with her in the crook of his elbow on the other side of him so he can still be close to you.
“Ellie just went to the movies with I assume Dina. I don’t know. I didn’t let her finish because she kept Nora all night.” You feel bad. Ellie shouldn’t have to do overnight sleepovers with her baby sister so her parents can have a therapy session that lasts for hours.
“Good. I hope she has fun.” Joel smiles at you, a real smile.
“I do, too. She deserves the best things.” You’re so happy to be here with him. It’s saturday so he doesn’t have to work. Normally he’d be at the bar or with Tommy smoking already. He’s still in bed with you and now Nora. A first in so long.
“Do you wanna lay in bed with me all day n’ look at her like we used to?” Joel asks softly, hesitantly like you might not want to.
“Yes.” You say it fast so he does not have time to change his mind. Joel smiles. “It’s hard now though because she crawls. She doesn’t just lay there and let you look at her.” The evidence was clear in Nora trying to sit up and roll over in Joel’s arm. She was on the move.
“Let’s chase her around the house all day, then. I’ll make us breakfast and you’ll eat it. All of it.” Joel looks you up and down. “You need it. Gon’ feed you all day.” He leans over and kisses you gently on the lips. “I am sorry. I’m glad you talked to me. I needed it.” He whispers it before he sets Nora between the two of you. She loves seeing her mom and dad together. She almost can’t believe it. She looks between the two of you with a strange expression you’ve never seen her make before.
“We confused her.” You giggle. Joel chuckles too and then pinches at Nora’s side very gently. It makes her jump and she falls to the other side with her head on your arm. She laughs as Joel continues to tickle her.
“Confused, giant, ticklish baby.” Joel grumbles at her playfully. She was fucking huge. Weighs like twenty pounds! She’s got rolls on her arms and legs that you have to pry apart to clean between. She’s a chunky baby. The doctor said she is healthy as hell. Her little scar does look just like a dimple when she laughs and smiles like she’s doing now as Joel bites at her belly with his lips. He growls at her softly. She squeals again and belly laughs. You and Joel both laugh at her because she is perfect.
“I love you.” You look up at him as he sits up in the bed. Nora is rolling over onto her stomach so she can crawl. She still tries to nurse and you feel bad there is nothing to give her. You have to set her down next to Joel so she will stop pawing at your shirt.
“I love you more.” Joel leans in and kisses you again. You’ve already gotten two kisses this morning! Joel doesn’t hate you and is not mad at you and you are feeling better now, just a little. You could stomach something, if Joel were to make breakfast like he said.
Joel lays in bed with you for another hour before he gets out of bed.
“Coffee. Breakfast.” He holds his hands out for Nora and she crawls to him clumsily. He scoops her up and carries her out of the room while you lay in bed.
Things already feel better, more normal. You hope and pray they stay this way.
Once dressed you head downstairs with an outfit for Nora. Joel helps you put it on her and hands her to you so he gets breakfast started. You let Nora crawl around on the floor and follow her around the first floor of the house. She is crawling really well. It shocks you. Joel was right. She is stronger because of what she had to endure to get here. Poor baby taking a knife to the cheek before she even knows what a knife is!
Joel brings you a cup of tea. Handing it to you carefully as he cups your ass gently in his hand. He looks at you in alarm.
“Where’d it go?” Joel’s hands rub all across your butt. You chuckle as you sip on the scalding hot drink.
“Lost it.” You shrug your shoulders and smirk up at him. “You gotta help me find it.” Joel chuckles and squeezes what little ass you have left.
“I think you’ll find it in some popcorn toast or chicken n’ dumplings. Something. My favorite thing about you, that wasn’t your face.” Joel looks down between you and sighs. “Loved this too.” Joel holds his hand where you once had a little pouch of soft skin. It was from before you had the baby. You lost the baby weight and more once things with Joel got bad. He’s talking about your normal body. The body he met on the road that day. Not this cracker thin woman.
“Feed me.” You smile up at him. Joel nods without saying anything and heads back into the kitchen. Nora is trying to pull herself to her feet on the couch with no success. Joel comes back a couple minutes later with two plates. One for you and one for him. They both have eggs and ham and toast. There is even an extra hard boiled egg for you on your plate that is not on his. You have more ham than him, too.
“Eat. All of it.” Joel narrows his eyes at you seriously.
“I share with her now.” You nod down to the baby who is gazing up at the plate of food in your hands.
“No. I share with her today.” Joel calls her name and she crawls over to him. Joel takes a small piece of egg on his fork and feeds her first. “Eat.” He looks up at you watching him.
Food tastes like food, It’s incredible and you do eat everything. You feel sick after, but it’s better than being constantly hungry with no desire or real appetite to eat anything at all. No energy to make it. No spirit to bring life into every day activities.
You think that maybe you were just… heartbroken? Sad that Joel didn’t love you anymore and maybe you don’t have whatever that therapist said. You feel better now. You just missed Joel.
Joel changes Nora’s diaper and hands her to you.
“Gonna go clean up and then can we all nap together? She’s exhausted.” He nods down to her and she is in fact rubbing her eyes and yawning. You nod up at him and now he nods towards the bedroom. “Go lay her down in her crib.” Joel whispers. “Gotta surprise for you.”
You go into the bedroom and rock the baby for a couple minutes until she is asleep. Then you lay her down in her crib which is now across the room, not next to the bed. She never wakes up at night and when she does, she fuckin’ lets you know. Can’t miss it. She’s loud.
Joel comes into the room quietly just as you're getting into bed.
“What’s my surprise?” You smirk at him as he pulls his shirt off over his head.
“You know. Spread ‘em.” Joel growls at you as he lays down with his face between your legs. You are as nervous as the first time he ever touched you. That’s what this feels like.
Joel slips your panties to the side and licks up the length of your slit and teases you with how warm and soft his tongue is. You slide a hand into his shaggy hair and hold onto it gently as he pulls away. He spits on your pussy before he leans back down to rub it in with his tongue.
“Love your pussy.” Joel whispers against it. His words make your hips start to roll against his mouth but his hands push your waist back down into the bed. “No.” It’s an order and you melt into the bed as he goes back to sucking your clit. It’s head spinning. You pant softly. You’re not even close but you feel as if your heart is palpitating. You think you might pass out because of how turned on you are. It’s been so long since he’s put his mouth on you. Since before you had Nora.
“Joel.” You whisper softly. “It’s so good.” It’s purred from your throat quietly. “Love when you eat it. Love when you lick my wet little pussy.” You whimper to him quietly. Joel grips your waist tightly and spins those tight circles around your clit with determination. “Yes. Fucking eat it. You’re so fucking good.” Your words have Joel groaning against your clit as increases his circle speed around your bundle of nerves.
Joel is pulling you into him, pushing his mouth into you harder. You feel his facial hair on your mound. It’s coarse and rough and you love it. Your hips just start moving on your own, you can’t help it. Joel pushes them back into the bed with a grunt and licks at your clit faster. The sounds of him lapping at your wetness fills the room.
“Fuck.” You whimper quietly as he brings you there. You’re so close. He must hear it in the way you’re breathing or trying to fight his hands with your hips. Joel moves one of his hands from your waist and slides two fingers into your cunt while he circles you clit with his tongue with motivation. He curls them up into your g-spot rapidly. The bliss– the much needed and missed bliss that you’ve been begging him for– finally washes over you. You can’t hold it back, it’s so good. “Joel. Yes. I love you.” You moan, you cannot whisper. It’s too fucking good. Your head is spinning and the room is moving around you. Literal, actual tears come to your eyes at how fucking incredible this is. Joel keeps moving his fingers and tongue for you, he’s going to make you come for as long as possible. You gush against his fingers and Joel finally pulls his mouth away from your clit so he can lap you clean.
He doesn’t miss a drop.
Joel lays down beside you and chuckles at the tears rolling down your cheeks and the smile on your face. He wipes at the corner of your eyes with his index finger.
“Crybaby.”
When you wake up from your nap... you're sad again even though Joel is there. You feel empty still. With his arms wrapped around you and your baby in the crib across the room. Something inside of you just feels so different.
Chapter 18: ..oh, thanks for the high life..
Summary:
No summary. Read the notes.
Notes:
Okay. First things first to answer everyone's comments and questions.
I will not being following *that* one particular story line from the video game and potentially season 2 of the show.
There will be no major character deaths in this. For anyone who is concerned about the main family. They're all safe. I'm not afraid to tell you this.
The side characters I have created? No-ones safe. :') I also have no idea how long this is going to be.
I planned all along on having the story go in this direction, I was just worried about taking things from part two of the game and potential things from the show that hasn't aired yet.
Also, I'm not sorry about the length of this chapter. I was going to split it up but I feel like I really have killed you with these cliffhangers the last couple chapters. The dark themes of this story are really kind of fucked up. Mental health, suicidal thoughts and threats, relationship issues, parent/child issues. It's dark shit. It sucks but I want this story to be as real as possible. I'm over reading gushy love stories that have little to no real life struggle in them.
There are trigger warnings for this chapter all over the fucking place. Talks of suicide and murder. There is some dirty fucking shit down all the way at the end so, beware. Just be aware of what your taking in. You guys are literally the fucking best. Not working right now and dealing with some of my own MH issues and writing this story has become a part of my healing journey so don't mind my daily/sometimes twice daily updates.
love song- lana del rey < go fucking listen to this right at the end god dammit
if y'all can just read Patti's voice as Moira rose from schitts creek that'd be great thanks
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“How are things going with your husband since I saw you last? I remember you said you were going to tell him how you were feeling.” Patti asks. This time she offered you a cup of coffee as you sat down. You said yes. You have Nora with you today and Joel walked you here.
“Things are better. Still not what they used to be, but we’re getting there. We were finally intimate. Once.” Why are you telling her these things? She did not ask about that. She didn’t even ask about your sex life the first time. She just asked how your relationship was. You were just too eager to talk about it, apparently. With anyone besides Joel.
You told him about it and now he refuses to talk to her. Is trying and talking to you. He won’t go see Patti though. He’s slept in bed with you every night this past week.
“How are you feeling?” Patti’s nice voice just charms the truths out of you again. Sonofabitch.
“Not great.” You say honestly. “I thought that…” You’re not really sure what you thought a week ago when Joel and you spoke. “I guess I thought maybe I was just sad about Joel. I was ok for a day or two. Normal-ish again but then I woke up the other morning and I felt like I wanted to die.” This is a truth you haven’t really accepted yourself. You think about it quite often but you do not tell her that. That is a truth you’ll keep to yourself. “I just laid in bed all day. I couldn’t hold my baby. My eldest ends up sitting with her in my room most of the day with me or she takes her with her friends.”
“She’s worried for you?” Patti sounds curious about Ellie.
“I dunno. Part of me think’s shes mad at me and Joel for having a baby– now it’s up to her to raise Nora.”
“Did you struggle with PPD after your first?” Patti’s charming voice. Shit.
“She’s not really mine. She’s not really my husband either.” You admit. You don’t tell people that. Ellie is your girl. Always will be. “My husband was transporting her across the country for something. I met up with him right outside this colony. I went with them from here.”
“A found family. Those are some of the strongest–”
“Doesn’t feel like it.” You don’t mean to interrupt her. It just happens. “I’m sorry. We used to be strong.” You sigh and hand Nora a sippy cup with some water in it.
“You can be strong again.” Patti sounds so encouraging. You feel hopeless.
“I think I’m the one who is dragging us down.” The fucking tears prick at your eyes and you hate it. “They both trusted me so much back then. Both of them. I just don’t think they do anymore. I used to be able to protect Ellie and now I don’t know if I can.” You blink the tears down your cheeks.
“What were you traveling for? Why was your husband—”
“It’s really not important why– it’s just what happened while we were there. On the way there.” You whisper. You know you cannot tell anyone about Ellie. That would put her at risk, regardless of who you told. Therapist or not.
“What happened?” She leans back in her chair slightly and crosses her legs. This relaxes you for some reason.
“A lot. My husband– who wasn’t my husband then– was stabbed. My daughter– who wasn’t my daughter yet– was captured and almost sexually assaulted. She told me it was almost but… I don’t know for sure. I wasn’t there to protect her.” You sob softly as you watch Nora play with her little children's book innocently. She has no idea what her mother has been through. Or done in her life. The horrible things you had to do to survive? You didn’t even want to anymore.
“She could come talk to me.” Patti suggests. You snort again.
“She’s just like her dad.” You smirk and then frown. “Joel isn’t going to come talk to you. I asked him too and he seemed open about it until I let it slip that I told you about our sex life.” You admit sadly. It was too fucking easy to talk to Patti. Her blonde hair and her nice white shirts whenever you come in. You owned not one single piece of white clothing that didn’t have a stain on it somewhere. Hers looks brand fuckin’ new.
“Understandable. Sometimes it’s not always good for spouses to see the same therapist. It can get messy.” She nods sympathetically and leans forward again. “I have a friend here. He’s a recluse. No one really knows him well, but he is a therapist. A real one. With a degree from before the outbreak. I could ask if he would talk to Joel.” Patti offers kindly. “He is probably going to say no. But I will ask, if you’d like me to.”
“Yes. Please.” You didn’t think good news like this came to people. It almost feels too good to be true. You get slightly suspicious but your joy for Joel being able to talk to someone about what he’s got going on in his head makes you overlook your suspicions. “He needs it. I need it too. We both just have to talk to someone about what we’re going through. We both just want to help each other when we try to talk. We stop worrying about ourselves.”
“Insightful.” Patti nods like she is impressed with you. “That whole you have to be your best self to love someone bullshit is a crock of ass.” She speaks non-therapy with you and it makes you laugh. “Let him try to help you. Make sure you help him, too. You are separate people– who do, yes, need to work on yourselves individually– but try and work with him on yourselves together, too. Do things together. As a family. As a couple. The world might have come to a halt but life didn’t.”
“How do I do that when I can’t even work on myself some days?” You pick at the scabbed skin on your thumb around the nail.
“Push.”
It’s a push day and Joel can tell. You haven’t even looked at the food he set in front of you. He leans down and presses his lips to the top of your head.
“Feelin’ okay today, Birdie-girl?” He whispers into your hair.
“Yeah.” You lie and turn your head up to smile at him. “Just not really hungry. I’ll take another coffee though, if you’re makin’ more.” He frowns at you and kisses your lips very gently.
“I was already makin’ you more. But you really gotta eat, Bird. I’m gettin’ worried about you.” He is, you can see it in his eyes. He’s putting on a little more weight and you just keep losing it. “Connie and Lucas are gettin’ married next month. Are you excited for that?” Joel gives you a hopeful smile. You are excited for that. Excited for Connie. You nod up at him. “Good.”
“Do you want to go for a walk when Nora is done eating?” You watch her try and pick up a piece of egg with her fingers and she cannot get it. It makes you chuckle watching her focus so intently on the tiny piece of egg. Joel snorts at her, picks the egg up with his fingers and pops it into her mouth. He does it so fast she’s confused until she tastes the egg. She noms on that with her toothless gums for several minutes before she swallows.
“I do. Bundle up. Cold out there. But it’ll be good for us. Get some fresh air. We can get that hot apple cider from the market.” Joel flicks his eyebrows up at you. He knows you like that very much.
“Okay. You don’t have to tempt me twice with hot apple cider.” You smile up at Joel. You’re glad you pushed yourself to get out of bed. It feels good to be here with him.
“Ellie at Dina’s?” Joel asks curiously. You nod. “Been spendin’ a lot of time with her.”
“Yeah. I like Dina though. She’s a good kid. Keeps Ellie out of trouble. I like that. I like that they have each other, too. It can be lonely out there for a kid.” You lean into Joel and press your head into his stomach. “Do you think she is still happy here with us?”
“Yeah, Bird. Of course.”
He lies to you. You both know Ellie is… something. Happy isn’t the word, really. She’s not miserable. She isn’t sad. She’s… fake. It’s terrible to say but every response sounds like it’s been planned out and nothing she says to you anymore is original. She doesn’t even bring up the poem you used to recite to her all the time. You do. You tell her all the time about the loving through fights and whatever, you say it to her all the time and she never says anything about the obstacles anymore. Nothing. It’s terrible and it hurts. Hurts so bad. This started before you got sad. It’s a part of the reason you got sad! Shit.
Nora is so bundled up in blankets and a scarf against this cold weather, you can barely see her face. Just her eyes, nose and mouth. Joel carries her on his chest in a baby wrap you made. She loves this. Loves being outside even though it is cold. She doesn't care. Your baby loves being outside. Has loved it since you brought her home.
“Did you tell Patti about what happened with your mom–” Joel starts but you sigh loudly and he stops. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to keep–”
“Well, y’do. A lot.” You snap in annoyance. Joel puts one hand on your back and rubs you gently. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to snap.” You do feel bad. “If I knew you were gonna bring it up all the time I wouldn’t have told you. I went twenty years without ever talking about it– without ever believing I really did that, honestly.” You could cry… but there are no tears. Interesting. “Now you talk about it almost everyday.”
“I am sorry. I just know it bothers you.” Joel is just trying to help. You know this. He’s opened up to you about some of the things he’d been dealing with. Just some– and you don’t ever want to talk about them again. No thanks. You’re not trying to picture it all over again. No. You’d rather not. Once was enough. You’re not out here throwing it back at him. Asking if he talked about it with his buddies or whatever. Wouldn’t do that even if he had talked to Patti. No. You let him talk and vent and then you shut it the fuck out because it was terrible.
“You know it bothers me– keep talkin’ about it like it doesn’t.” You sigh sadly.
“Do you not feel better after talking about things?” Joel asks curiously. You guys are strolling lazily in the snow of the park at the medical center. He touches his pinky against yours gently and lets it linger.
Like in the hospital when you thought you were going to die for the umpteenthmillionth time. Jesus. It feels like it was so long ago. Walking down that hallway to the stair corridor where everything just blew the fuck up. Joel saved your life that day so many fucking times.
“No. I hate talkin’ about the fucked up shit I did. Hate it. Speaking it out into existence makes it real. Makes it somethin’ I really did.” You admit to him. He gives you a strange look like what you’re saying doesn’t make sense.
“But you did ‘em.” He says simply. “You did. Whether you admit it to the universe or what the fuck ever. You did ‘em.” He turns away and looks down to check on Nora. “Can’t pretend you didn’t. That’ll fuck y’up worse, Birdie-girl.”
Fuck. Is he right?
“Explain your logic to me.” You’re soft about it, not harsh. You’re really curious.
“I know what I did. It fucks me up because they were bad. Not cause I’m actin’ like I didn’t do ‘em. I know they were bad. I know I did it. I don’t talk about it. Hate talkin’ about it. Haven’t talked about it in a long time and now it’s catchin’ up to me.” Joel sighs and turns his eyes away from yours. He picks up a handful of snow and holds it up for Nora to inspect. You see her try with all her might to try and lean forward to eat it but Joel is holding it just far enough away that she cannot get it. He doesn’t notice.
“But talkin’ helps?” You ask like it’s unbelievable.
“Yup. Sure does. Dunno how or why. Just not havin’ it all pent up– I dunno. I’m just big ‘n dumb and I’m only good at killin’.” Joel tosses the snow on the ground and Nora leans back into his chest.
“Great dad. Our girls love you.”
“This one maybe.” Joel doesn’t catch your eye or even try. He just stays staring down at the top of Nora’s head. “Ellie and I barely talk anymore.”
“What?” You’re shocked by this. You…don’t know why. Joel barely talked to you. Ellie was always at Dina’s. They never came around anymore because of how depressed you had fuckin’ gotten. Either taking Nora out to play or bringing her right up into Ellie’s room to play house. “Yeah. We don’t really talk much more either. Not like we used to.”
“Feel like she’s mad at me.” Joel whispers. “I think… I don’t think she believes us about what happened out there.” Joel does look up at you now and your heart starts to pound in your chest.
“Why do you say that?” You whisper back to him.
“She asks me about it. Constantly. Always. Hard to keep my story straight when I’m drinkin’. Don’t know what I really told her when I was too drunk to remember.” Joel is ashamed. So ashamed, it’s written all over his face.
The one thing this man needs to talk about and he can’t talk to anyone but you. You’re the only one who knows the truth. Neither of you can talk about this. To anyone. And talking to each other about it only creates more cracks and holes and doubts. You have no words for him. So much time has passed that telling her you lied and kept this lie up all this time… just doesn’t sound good. Sounds scary. Relationship ending.
You run your hands down your face and sigh.
“I know. I fucked up.”
“Should we just tell her the truth?” You suggest softly even though it’s scary. Joel furrows his brows at you and scowls.
“I can’t do that.” He’s on the verge of tears.
“Why?”
“She’ll never forgive us. For any of it. The hospital. Marlene. Lying to her for so long.” Joel blinks and the tears fall. Just one from each eye. “She’ll hate us.” Joel looks away from you in shame. “How’s she ever gonna find out if we don’t tell her?”
“How many times have you said some sort of variation of that sentence in your life?” You snark at him. You don’t even mean to! Bitch, what the fuck!? Your hands come to your mouth as Joel turns his head up slowly to stare at you.
“What?” He’s appalled. So are you!!! What the fuck? You meant to think that!! Not say it. Fuck.
“I dunno why I said that.” You mutter from behind your hands. “I’m so sorry.” You are sorry, you feel terrible. Joel just continues to stare at you looking so disappointed. “I am really sorry.” You pull your hands away from your mouth and take a step towards him. He doesn’t move. Just stares down at you as you take his hands in yours. “I am. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it.”
“Sure were thinkin’ it.” Joel doesn’t pull his hands from yours, they just stay limp. “Obviously still pissed about all those things that happened.” You tear your hands away from his.
“Yeah. I am, actually. All this talk about lying has got me wonderin’ about what else you haven’t told me simply because I won’t find out. Scares me.” You don’t hold back. “How can you blame me? Our whole relationship started on a lie!”
“Our relationship started in that basement when you saved my fuckin’ life. My love for you started when you came crawlin’ out of that building with blood pourin’ out your leg with our fuckin’ girl still breathin’.” Joel is mad. His voice says so. He is growling and even Nora looks like she is scared. You don’t blame her, you kind of are too as he takes a step towards you. He bends his waist slightly, his face is inches from yours. “I wasn’t fuckin’ lyin’ to you ‘bout Ava. Had nothin’ to lie about. I didn’t fuckin’ touch her after we got back from Salt Lake. Everything that happened before that? Doesn’t fuckin’ matter because me n’ you didn’t give a shit about each other then.”
“Oh. So you just walked through the woods every four days for–”
“ Cunt .” He snarls it out in a whisper.
“Nice. Very nice.” You nod your head at him and roll your eyes. “So are you lying about that now ? Or when you told me it did matter that you walked through the woods for me…did you just say that to shut me up?” You smirk at him with contempt.
“Get out of my face.” Joel snarls at you.
“You’re in my face. Give me my daughter.” You hiss at him with venom on your tongue.
“Like you can be trusted–”
What the fuck did he just say? You don’t let Joel finish.
If you could run without blinding pain in your thigh, you would have but you just walk away. You know Nora is safe with Joel. He is right. You can’t be trusted. You are unstable and forgetful and irresponsible. You hate everything about this. This is the way to your house but you pass the driveway and keep walking. You had planned on going home. Why are you still walking?
You walk to Patti’s house and knock on the door as the tears pour down your face. She answers quickly. Her hands are on your shoulders and you're on your knees in front of her front door sobbing.
“I want to die. I want to. I want to right now.” You whimper through sobs because that was so mean. So fucking mean what he just said to you. He had never said that to you. That you couldn’t be trusted. Just made you feel that way. Now he said it. Really said the words. “I’m gonna do it. I am. I can’t do this anymore. ”
Patti sits cross legged on the floor next to you.
“Can you breathe deeply for me? Try? I know it’s hard. You can lay down on your back if it helps.” You blindly follow her instructions and roll onto your back in the entryway of her house. You still have your winter coat on. You stare at the ceiling while you cry. You try and breathe deep but it keeps getting caught on the sobs. You choke on them and cough. “Shhhh. It’s okay. Calm. Can you put yourself in the happiest place you can? Close your eyes and imagine it.”
You close your eyes and imagine yourself somewhere happy.
“You wanna come to Salt Lake with me?” He’s whispering so quietly in the dark you can barely hear him. “I gotta drop a kid off down there. Then maybe we could do—I dunno. Somethin’.”
“Why do you want me to come?” You’re in shock. Not unwilling, but what the hell?
“Why not? You’re out here by yourself. I didn’t think y’were alone out here all this time. Come. If you hate me at the end of it all, I’ll bring you back. Right here.” He leans down and kisses your lips softly. His naked body feels so fucking good against you. It’s the first time you’ve ever felt him naked like this. Clothes usually stay on. Not tonight. He’s spending the night. Naked in your bed with his hands all over you.
“When are you leavin’?” You kiss him back softly and he nips at your bottom lip as you pull away.
“In the mornin’. We’ll come back and get you. Pack smart but light.”
“Good. Good.” Patti’s soothing voice brings you back to the right now. Your eyes snap open and you remember that you are not on the road and your husband hates you.
“I still want to die.” You whisper softly. “I can’t be trusted with my baby. My husband said so.” You feel as though your heart is going to stop beating in your chest. You wish it would.
“Tell me what you need. I can do my best.” Patti wants to help you, you can hear it in her voice. It's almost like you can sense that she cares about your heart and your family even though she just met you. Barely knows you. It's comforting but you just feel so empty. So scared for the future. Nothing can help you. Your husband loving you again would be a start.
“I don’t know.” You start to cry. “I don’t know.”
“Normally PPD would be treated with medication. We don’t have access to this, unfortunately. I would like to teach you how to meditate. You could also start writing. Just keep a journal of the things fee–”
“I killed my mom.” You murmur. “My dad made me shoot her in the head. Close range while she begged me not to.” You are numb. Completely. You feel nothing and you are not sad but you also feel as though you will never be happy again. Fine with you. Numb feels incredible. The tears roll down the side of your face into your ears. Patti wipes one away for you gently.
“Oh.” Patti says in shock.
“You’re the second person I’ve ever told. Ever. I told Joel a week ago. I had never spoken about it since then.” You are not even a person anymore. You are just skin. Skin and nothing else. No soul. No heart. No bones. You're nothing. You like feeling like this. Better than sad. Better than... dead.
“I’m glad you told me. I bet that was weighing on you.” Patti sighs and runs her hand across your forehead and down into your hair. "Twenty years is a long time to keep a secret like that." She feels bad for you. You do not like that. You do not want people feeling badly for you. You killed your mom. Murdered her. Almost killed your baby on accident. You do not think you're a good person. You do not deserve sympathy, you think people should hate you.
“Yeah.” You feel like you could take a nap right here on the floor of her house. You’re barely inside. The door is still open. “I’m sorry I just barged in. I didn’t even really mean to come here.” You turn your head to look at her and she has one hand in her lap, looking at you with very nice eyes. The other hand continues to pet your hair comfortingly. You love it. She can do this all fuckin' day. Hell yeah, Patricia. You're the best.
“I’m glad you came. Very glad. I would have hated for you to do something regretful.” She sounds sympathetic. You hate it.
“When does this end? Being sad after the baby– whatever you called it PDD or whatever.” You do not tell her where you were going to go, or what you were going to do instead of coming here because you think she will lock you in her basement and not leave. You can't even admit to yourself what you were going to go home and do after the park. No. Cannot.
“Postpartum depression lasts differently for women. Some have it for a couple weeks. Some suffer for years. Depends on treatment—”
“I want to get better.” You interrupt her, you don’t even care. You scramble to your stomach and then to your knees and you look at her as tears start to form again. “I don’t want to lose everything I love. I can't. They're all I have and I don't wanna live alone in the woods again.”
Patti walks you home an hour later. You are so scared. Feet shuffling nervously and your heart somewhere right between your front fucking teeth. She walks you right up to the front door and knocks like you don’t live there. Joel answers with Nora in his arms.
“She said she lives here.” It's a lighthearted joke. Patti offers a warm, comforting and sad smile to Joel as you slip past him in the house.
“Thanks.” You hear him start to shut the door but she puts her hand on the door and stops him. You're already in the bedroom hiding. You don’t see what he does.
“Your wife told me you were interested in talking to someone, but I agree that it shouldn’t be me. I am biased now.” She pauses for Joel’s reaction but he doesn’t say anything. He’s probably scowling at her. “I have a dear friend who I found this colony with. His name is Don. He’s a good man and a phenomenal therapist. I’ve spoken to him about you and your wife and the issues you two are having… Don said he’d speak to you as a patient.”
“I’m all set, lady.” Joel grumbles and shuts the door in her face. What as ass!
You die inside all over again. Joel’s footsteps towards the bedroom makes you panic. You look for somewhere to hide because you're afraid to talk to him. You start for the bathroom to lock yourself in but he is faster.
“Don’t even think about it.” He growls from the doorway. You freeze and swallow hard. “Where’re you goin’? Trynna hide?” You’re too afraid to look at him.
“Bathroom.” You whisper. You are shaking and your heart isn’t racing or pounding. It’s moving so fast it’s like hummingbird wings. Almost unnoticed in your chest with how fast it’s going. It's not in your chest. It's laying on the floor at your feet.
“We need to talk.” He sounds so angry. Fuck. He was mean to you too! He better want to apologize. But you don’t know if he really should because you can’t be trusted. He turns and walks back to the living room. You follow slowly, shuffling your feet as small as you can. If it takes you a long time to get out there, maybe he will forget.
Joel doesn’t look like he forgot about it. He’s angry and glaring at you. You glare back at him now. He pinches his brows and points to the chair.
“Sit the fuck down. Quit bein’ an ass, grow up and sit the fuck down.” He barks at you. You jump and sit down quickly. You hold your arms out for Nora. Joel gives her to you. “You’re an asshole. You are.” Joel points his finger at you. “I didn’t wanna say that shit to you.”
“I know.” It's soft and barely a whisper. You don't look at him. You stare at the ground.
“You be quiet. I’m not fuckin’ finished.” His finger is still pointed at you. You hold Nora’s head close to your chest. “I hate bein’ mean to you. What t’fuck was that comment in the park? You really that scared I lied to you so much?” Joel raises his eyebrow but doesn’t give you time to answer. “Why’d you marry me then?” Now he drops his finger and shakes his head in disappointment.
You don’t know what to say. Really, you have no idea. It was because you loved him and did trust him then.
“Huh?” Joel wants a response right now. Is not patient enough for you to think about this and needs to know right now.
“I dunno.” You blabber out before you can stop it. You just wanted to answer him, it’s such an easy thing to say, it just rolls right off your tongue so easy. Joel closes his eyes and he sinks back into the couch. That is not what he wanted you to say.
“You wanna give me the ring back now or do you wanna throw it at me in a fight in a couple months?” Joel chuckles like it’s fucking funny. You could throw him out the window. If you were strong enough you would. Toss his ass right into the snow outside. Fuck him. Why is that funny or even slightly entertaining to him. You don't wanna leave. You wanna fix this!
“You can pry this ring off my finger when I’m fucking dead, Joel Miller. Stuck with me 'till I'm cold n' dead.” You hiss at him. “If you wanna leave, go ahead. Leave. I’m not stopping you.” Joel’s eyes snap up to yours in shock. “I came home. I didn’t have to. Could have gone to the bar. Could have gone to see any of my friends. I'm surprised they still even come to check on me. Or like me anymore.” You stand and hold Nora close to you. “I came home. Fuck you.”
You carry Nora into the bedroom and lay her on the bed so you can finally take your jacket off. This is not how you wanted to raise your kids. This is how your parents used to fight. You were old enough to know what they were saying too. She can't but one day she will be. It kills you. You never take your eyes off her as she rolls around on the bed. You hear Joel walk to the bedroom door.
“Don’t worry. I’m paying attention. I can be trusted.” You snap at him from over your shoulder. You hate him right now.
“I don’t want the ring back.” Joel mutters. He sounds so defeated. You're defeated. This is exhausting. You thought being in love was gonna be soooooo easy. You thought it was going to be a walk in the park. Your parents would fight and you'd think to yourself why do they stay? Why are they staying if they are so miserable with each other and all they do is fight or not speak at all?
It's a lot harder to actually leave. You love Joel. So much. You might hate him right now but that love for him still ruminates deep in your heart. It's full in your heart it's just hard to tap into right now when he's not the man you married. You're not the woman he married either, so. This sucks.
“Go fucking talk to Don. I am trying, Joel. So hard.” You grab Nora off the bed and turn to Joel. “You know that instead of walking to Patti’s…” Tears burn your eyes. “I almost walked home and got my revolver and I was going to put it to—” Joel rushes to you like he cannot bear to hear the next words that were going to come out of your mouth. His face twists up like what you're saying appalling. When he talks, it’s rushed and panicked and he’s putting his hand over your mouth, silencing you.
“No. No, no,no. Please don’t say it. Don’t say that, Little Bird. Don’t.” Your heart flutters in your chest. Your eyes must soften tremendously because Joel pulls his hand away. “What?” He’s confused.
“Little Bird.” You whisper it because it had been a long forgotten name but that’s what this all started as. “I miss you calling me that. I forgot that’s what you called me. The first nice name I got.” Joel holds your chin in his index finger and thumb.
“You are my Little Bird. My crybaby. My whole world.” Joel leans in and kisses you softly. “I’m sorry. I said terrible things to you.”
“I didn’t hit you. I could have. I was so angry but I walked away because I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want it to kill you, Joel. Do you remember that? You said it’d kill you if I ever left? If I ever hurt you? I remember and I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want those things for us.” You’re sobbing and Nora is trying to look at you and figure out why you’re making those sounds. “I’m trying. I’m going to meditate and do yoga because apparently that helps with whatever the fuck is wrong with me. I’m going to keep going to Patti and you’re going to really talk to Don.”
“Okay.”
Joel is fucking terrified. Talking to a stranger about the things and the stuff ? Hell no. Talk about you and your sex life? No. Joel was going to go in there and pretend to talk and go back to putting on a brave face. He’s gonna stop drinkin’. Stop smokin’. Be good for Bird. But he wasn’t going to talk to Don.
When Joel knocked on the door it was like he was having and out of body experience. He was watching himself knock and watched himself go inside and his soul stayed on the front porch. It didn’t last long as Don, an older gentleman who carried most of his weight around his middle. Had thinning white hair and wore glasses with no rims. Just the lenses. They intrigued Joel.
“Patti told me what happened to your wife. I’m sorry, that had to be hard for her. But it was probably pretty hard on you too.” Don spoke with very calm, quiet words that Joel did not like but for some reason he started talking. Couldn’t stop.
“Yeah. I wasn’t even here to help her.” Joel snaps his mouth shut because where the hell did that come from? Why did he say that? Joel was going to talk about drinking and smoking and this guy starts with Birdie dying right out of the gate? Didn’t even give Joel the option to start? This guy is good.
“Yeah. That’s what Patti said. Where were you?” Don doesn’t sound like he is being judgemental, which Joel appreciates. Sounds like he really wants to know what Joel was doing.
“I was takin’ my oldest daughter on an outing for her birthday. Took her to a museum a couple hours away from here.” Joel smiles at the memory of her in the spaceship with him. He loves Ellie so much and he was losing her.
“Must have been important to her if you were willing to take her outside the wall.”
“S’where I met her.” Joel chuckles.
“Oh. So she isn’t your biological daughter?” Don asks curiously.
Dammit.
“No. She’s my family though.” Joel is suddenly so uncomfortable. He looks down at the floor and sighs.
“Let’s talk about your wife. How has she been after her attack?” Don changes the subject like he could sense Joel’s unease. It wasn’t hard to read on Joel’s face or in his body language. He was sitting in the middle of the chair. There were practically six inches between his body and the back of the chair. Stiff.
“She was fine. For a while. Things got weird when the doctors gave her the ok for– um…” Joel trails off slowly and looks back up at Don who seems to be waiting for more.
“I know what you mean. How did things get weird ?” Don shifts in his chair and recrosses his legs.
“Just different. Birdie-girl asked. I didn’t have an answer for her. Not a good one.” Joel shrugs his shoulders and now is even more uncomfortable. There is so much more to it than what he is able to say. His brain cannot piece the words together to tell Don why things got weird. Joel knows. Can’t speak them out into existence. It’ll make them true.
“What are you looking to get out of this? Out of coming to talk to me?” Don know’s Joel does not want to be here. Joel does not want to be here. He’s making it as obvious as he can without even realizing he’s doing it with his body language.
“Don’t wanna lose my wife. My kids. My life.” That’s an honest answer. Real. Joel loves all of those things so much. He's willing to do what it takes to save them, protect his family. It's scary but... he has everything to lose if he doesn't try.
“Why?” Don stares at him.
“What’d y’mean? I love them. Don’t wanna live this life without them.” Also honest.
“Then you have to put in the effort. If you don’t talk then nothing changes. What did you do? What could change for you that could make your life better?” Don is an asshole and Joel hates him. He stares at him for a long time but Don doesn’t budge. That usually makes people shift in their seats when Joel does that. Glares at them or scowls or whatever mean and angry face he can make.
“First thing is I’m afraid I groomed my wife.” Joel admits with a lump in his throat. “Poor girl grew up with her dad all alone for sixteen years. Spent the next however many years all alone. Then she meets me.” Joel shakes his head. “Wants to see me every four days to fuck in the woods?” Joel snorts; why would he pass that up? “I had some tail already, back here in the colony. Didn’t mean nothin’ really. Just drunk innocent bullshit.” Joel wishes he could will his mouth to shut but he can’t. Words come pouring out of him and it feels fucking great . “I find out after I invited her on the road with me that she was a thirty something year old virgin.” Joel shakes his head in shame. “I wasn’t even nice to her for her first time.”
“You were mean to her?” Don sounds disturbed and maybe worried for Joel’s wife. Fuck, now Joel has to explain.
“Shit.” He sighs. “Not like that, no. I like it rough. Liked to dominate her. Make her say naughty shit ‘cause it sounds cute comin’ out her mouth– shit . I’m sorry.” Joel leans back in the chair finally and sighs. “You ain’t gotta know all that.” Joel drags his hands down his face.
“It’s alright. I don’t specialize in relationships or intimacy, but I can try.” Don sounds professional. Not being weird or creepy. Makes Joel relax a little more.
“You sure? I’m not trying t’make y’uncomfortable.” Joel doesn’t really care about how comfortable or not Don is. He just doesn’t want to talk about you. Doesn’t want to talk about sex with you. Don nods, motions for Joel to continue with a hand gesture. Joel sighs. “Her ex is here in this colony when we get back. I know him. Good kid– I thought. He must’a missed her– something, I don’t fuckin’ know– he went around and told people here I groomed her out in those woods.” Joel leans forward now and rests his elbows on his knees. “I think that’s what I did out there. Without even knowin’ it.”
“Why do you think that?”
“She’s pretty naive. Didn’t really notice how naive until I realized how much time she spent alone or just with her dad.” Joel’s frustrated with himself for not asking more about you. Not opening up to you more before he started to care for you so much. “Just feel guilty. Feel like I stole somethin’ from her I didn’t deserve. I wonder if I hurt her the first time? If she was too scared to say she didn’t like it.” Joel has tears in his eyes. “But she was lonely. Needed someone. I didn’t know that then but I do now. Fucks me up.”
“That is a lot to find out about someone after you’ve already developed feelings for them. Been intimate with them. Did it change how you felt about her?” Don tilts his head to the side and looks at Joel over the edge of his rimless glasses.
“No. I still loved her to death. Would do anything for her. I just feel dirty. Started shortly after she got pregnant. I dunno. It was easy to fake then.” Joel blinks and the tears stream down his face slowly. “Got harder to fake when I’d have to stare at those scars on her every time. Where they cut her open. Stabbed our baby.” Joel sighs deeply and leans back in the chair again and runs his hands through his hair. “She’s already all scarred up from gettin’ shot at a bunch.”
“When did she get shot?”
Dammit! Joel spoke too much. Far too much. He can’t talk about the hospital.
“Raiders got her on our way back here.” Joel lies. He thinks Don can tell. Don looks at him over his glasses again. Joel carries on regardless, with the truth now. “She almost died because she came with me. Where we had to go. On our way back she died twice in our daughter's arms.”
“Heavy stuff. She struggle with any of that?” Don checks his watch and places his hand in his lap.
“Not the first time. She bounced right back like nothin’ ever happened. She was in a coma for four weeks. Came out of it like she never fell asleep. Spitfire.” Joel smiles at the memory of you touching, teasing yourselves for each other in your hospital room. You had been so fucking eager. Joel frowns now and feels bad.
“The second coma, she had given birth prematurely?”
“Yeah, a couple weeks early. Nora was in good shape though. She came out quick– it fucked Bird up bad how fast she came out.” Joel shudders at the thought and the image of you in the bed– gray and barely alive. “Birdie’s sad most of the time now. Patti says it’s postpartum depression. Says she probably has PTSD, too.”
“You too.” Don nods at him. “It might not have been as violent as your wifes attack, but witnessing that. Dealing with the aftermath. The fear of potentially losing your wife. Yeah, you absolutely can get PTSD from that.” Don explains it very simply.
“Thought it was somethin’ soldiers get during the war. Only time I ever really heard it talked about.” Joel sighs and shakes his head.
“It was common in soldiers, yeah sure, but you can get minor PTSD from a car crash. A fender bender if you aren’t prepared to deal with the fear that comes along with unsuspected trauma. Even expected. If it’s traumatizing to you, regardless of how it looks to others, it can have an effect on the rest of your life.” Din shrugs his shoulders and uncrosses his legs. “Were you not a soldier once? Did we not all have to be fighters to make it where we are? Soldiers or good hiders. Both can cause trauma, Joel.”
“How do I deal with it?” Joel needs to get better so he can help you get better. “What do I do?”
“Come back. Keep talking.”
It’s late and Joel isn’t home.You have an idea of where he is but you’re afraid to go check. It would also mean having to ask Ellie to watch Nora. You don’t want to do that. So you bundle her up, wrap her to your chest and walk to the bar. You don’t go in. You know he’s in there; he’s visible right through the window behind the bar. Tommy is next to him and so is Billy. Lucas is home with Connie. Like always. Lucky duck.
You watch for a long time. You sway the baby back and forth gently and she falls asleep because again; she loves to be outside. More than you ever thought a baby could like being out in the cold. Nora is perfect. She looks more like Joel every day. Still has your eyes. But she is her fathers daughter.
The door opens and you snap your head up. It’s not Joel. He’s still sitting at the bar. He’s smiling now at something someone said. You can’t remember the last time you smiled. You wonder if that’s why he’s never home. Because you’re miserable and hard to be around. You apologize for it constantly, and he says it’s okay but he’s at the bar. Not home in bed with you.
He never used to choose the bar. Never. He never chose anything over you unless it was to better the community…really. This was so hard. You never thought you’d be thinking about leaving Joel. You guys haven’t even been married a year. Haven’t even been in Jackson a whole year. You’re so dumb. Shit. What were you thinking? Marrying a man you barely knew and having his kid? What the fuck?
Nora sighs loudly on your chest in her sleep. What happens to Nora? And Ellie? Would Joel try to keep them from you? After what happened with Nora her slipping and you not noticing…you wouldn’t blame him. Not one bit, but if you leave that house– with no ring and no kids– what’s there to live for? That’s a terrifying thought.
“Bird?” Joel’s voice makes you look up from Nora’s face. He’s standing at the door, he’s holding it open like he’s going back inside. “What’re you doin’? Go home.”
“I’m lockin’ the door if you don’t come with me. Ain’t no key to leave out for you. Do you know what that means?” You rock the baby back to sleep as she wakes up from your hollering to Joel. He hasn’t come any closer. Joel stares at you for a long, long time. The music from the bar fills the air. It’s a song you’ve never heard before. He says nothing.
Then he goes back inside. You turn around and walk slowly back to your house. You take the long way because why rush back? What’s back there for you.
“I love you.” You whisper down to the baby sleeping on your chest. “I’m sorry I’m not a better mom. I’m tryin’ for you. I am. I’ll never give up. ‘Cause of you.” A teardrop falls from your cheek onto her forehead. She jolts but stays asleep. Never opens her eyes. You wipe it off quickly and cover her forehead and her eyes with the scarf carefully so she can sleep in the warmth.
“Why’d you go this way? Weirdo .” Joel jogs up beside you. He’s panting. “Never go this way. So far– why’re you cryin’?” You stop and look up at him. “What? Why’d y’stop walkin’?” Joel looks confused.
“I didn’t think you were gonna come.” You shrug your shoulders. “You went back inside?” You’re confused.
“I needed my jacket?” Joel points to the jacket he hadn’t had on earlier. You blink at him.
“Did you just stay silent for dramatics then? That’s what the staring contest was about?” You’re in awe of him. He stared at you for what felt like two full minutes– which is a really long time to just stare at someone silently– and expected you to just wait for him to come back out? After all that tension?
Joel chuckles at you and shrugs.
“Maybe.” He reaches for your hand and you pull yours away sharply before he can touch it. He lets his head teeter to the side and then falls back like he’s exhausted. Tired of you almost. “C’moooon, Bird. I haven’t been out with Tommy—”
“Since last night. He came over and you got drunk. Is it different at the bar?” You look him up and down. You wish you still didn't find him so attractive. You hate it because he could take you home right now and fuck you and you’d let him. You’d beg on your knees for it right here in the snow.
Joel just looks at you again and sighs. His breath comes out in a big white cloud. You look down at Nora again.
“I didn’t put that revolver to my temple and pull the trigger two days ago because of her and Ellie.” You whisper to him. Joel winces at the words, visibly. “Good. Think about it.” You hiss at him. “I’m over this, Joel. Go back to the bar . I was never going to lock the door.” You huff and turn towards your house. Your feet crunch in the snow and you hear his crunching right behind you. He’s following you, he’s got his hand on your forearm and stopping you, pulling you back to him.
“Don’t say shit y’don’t mean.” He whispers to you. “I told y’this.”
“Okay.” You blink up at him. “ I’m starting to hate you.” You whisper as quietly as you can. “You never pick me anymore. It’s been just over a week and you’re already drinking again. You’re high as fuck. You never ask me to smoke. Never– I would. I would so that we could spend time together– do something together– instead of just laying in bed and playing with Nora.” He’s blinking at you now. He can’t believe what you just said and honestly neither can you, but it’s the truth. You meant that shit. “I think you hate me, too. Resent me or somethin’. I dunno.” You’re not crying? Weird– but he’s got tears in his eyes. He’s blinking them out onto his cheeks. “You definitely don’t love me. Not anymore. Not the way you did when you gave me this ring.” You hold it out for him to see.
“I don’t hate you.” Joel whispers. “Do you really hate me?” His chin is quivering. “You mean that?”
“Starting to.” You’re so cold to him because you’re just tired! Tired of this! This weird tension. The hostility. From both of you. It’s exhausting.
“Really?” Joel pinches his brows together in disbelief and anger. You nod silently. “You still even want me to come home with you?”
“Of course. If you go back to that bar or try and find somewhere else to sleep that isn’t our fucking bed…I will hate you and you can have this ring back.” You mean it. You know you do, Regardless of the girls– you’re not staying with someone who is breaking you down piece by piece. He’s doing it unintentionally but you’re begging him to stop and he can’t. Maybe it is intentional. You don’t know.
You walk home together in silence. Joel puts his hand on your lower back as he walks beside you. There isn’t another word said to each other until Nora is in her crib and you crawl into bed next to him. He’s waiting for you.
“I talked to Don today.” Joel whispers. He didn’t tell you he did that he was going to see Don. You raise your eyebrows in shock. “What we talked about today had me fucked up when I left. I needed a drink. Needed to take my mind off of it before I came home.”
“To sleep on the couch? Because you fell asleep there last night. Slept there all night again.”
“Do you wanna know why I can’t fuck you, Birdie?” He’s staring at the ceiling. You nod but now you don’t know if you want to know.
“Yeah.”
“I did groom you in those woods– didn’t mean to. Didn’t even know that’s what I was doin’, honest.” Your eardrums are going to explode– cool. What the fuck did he just say? He did groom you? “I think I did just what Jacob and Ava thought I did to you. Innocent young lady. Naive. Beautiful. Wanted to fuck me every four days? Hell yeah. You ever wonder why I call your pussy slutty? Cause I thought you were. Just dragging me into a house? Yeah. I thought that. That’s why I tore your cunt up that first time. I thought that's what you wanted. Never said stop, never said I was too rough. None of that.” You want to crawl out of bed and get your revolver right now and shoot both of you. Murder-suicide. Right now. You lay there, frozen in terror as he speaks. “Figured that’s how you liked it. Months and months later I find out you were a virgin? Jesus Christ. All I can think about is the first time I fucked you and I can’t help but think I made you this way.”
You are blinking and crying silently next to him. He hasn’t looked at you once.
“Turned you into this kinky lil thing you might not be if it weren’t for me. Dunno if you really even love me the way you think you do– specially now after what y’said on the way home? Yeah. I fucked you up, Bird.”
You roll out of the bed and stumble into the bathroom. You shut and lock the door behind you with clumsy fingers. He’s knocking.
“Bird– lemme in. C’mon. I’m sorry. You wanted to know, I thought that’s what you wanted from me.”
You stare at the bathroom door with wide eyes. Groomed? What? No. You two moved past this. You still don’t really know what grooming means… so. Maybe? Nothing feels real anymore. Nothing makes sense. Being groomed? That definitely doesn’t feel or sound right. You resort to your favorite cry spot. The dry tub. It’s good here. Closed off. Safe. No one can groom you. No one can hurt your feelings here. You lie down and curl up. You could turn the bath on. Just turn it on and let the tub fill up.
“Bird. C’mon. Lemme in. Don’t make me pick the lock. I’m worried about you.” He does sound worried but he knows you didn’t bring your revolver in here. There are other things though– like the tub. Smash that mirror to shit and just cut yourself up even more. Fuck– okay that’s morbid. You’re better than that…you hope.
At least after you killed your mom– there was stuff to do. You had to run and hide and shoot more people and climb trees. You had to learn how to ride a horse. It was honestly kind of easy to forget for the first couple years because so much fucking shit happened. So much. It wasn’t until you and your dad found a place to hunker down finally for a couple months after running and hiding for so long; did you finally grieve the loss of your mom and then at that point…you had subconsciously pushed murdering her out of your brain. As a trauma response. You don’t know how or why exactly. It wasn’t until your dad died that your brain was like hey guess what you did all those years ago. Then dropped a huge bomb on you.
“Bird.”
Joel picked the fuckin’ lock. Dammit.
“You hate me? Officially?” You’re not looking at him. You don’t hate him. Not at all.
“I hate myself. I should have just shot myself when my dad gave me the gun to shoot my mom. I regret it everyday– not just ending it then.” You whisper softly. It echoes in the tub. “I dunno what happened to my sister or brother. Watched my dad die slowly.” You are the shell of who you used to be. “Why did I try so hard to stay alive?”
“So we could save Ellie. Have Nora. Be a family.”
“This is what a family feels like?” You look at him over his shoulder and he’s nodding.
“Sometimes. Sometimes it was us right when the baby came home.” Joel’s voice is comforting but you’re having so many different feelings. You turn away from him again and try to cry but no tears come. Frustrating. “I didn’t sit by your hospital bed for a total of six weeks waiting for you to get better– to not die– to put you in the ground at your own expense, baby.”
“I need to go see Patti tomorrow. First thing in the morning.”
“Can I ask you something without you judging me?” You lean in close to Patti and hush your voice even though it’s only the two of you in her house.
“Of course. You don’t need to ask me that every time you want to ask. I won’t judge.” You like Patti. She is nice and she kind of reminds you of your grandma. Just the way she speaks.
“What is groomed– being groomed? Grooming? Can an adult be groomed?” You raise a suspicious eyebrow at her. She nods and leans forward in her chair and squints her eyes back with her own suspicions.
“Yes. Who do you know that is being groomed?”
“Lemme tell you a hypothetical– okay?” She nods, unamused. She knows this is about you. “Someone grows up all alone most of their life with one parent, ok? Parent isn’t very nice to them for like fifteen to seventeen years. Now… this person is alone without the parent– all talks of common education or sexual education are gone. Never spoken of again, okay? Like I mean…nothing.”
“Ok.” Patti rolls her eyes at you. “I know this part, get to the grooming aspect of it please.”
“Oka– Patti, I’m going at my own pace because this is scary. Okay? So. Now this person is alone in the woods for like… a while– couple years. Then one day this person is walking on the road and they see this other person who is just so handsome. Like the most handsome man she’s ever seen and I might not have been allowed to talk to any men–”
“Your father didn’t let you talk to men after the outbreak?” Patty gives you a worried look and now you’re even more worried.
“No. Not really. Said guys just wanted one thing from me so don’t worry about it. My dad said he never let them take it from me so I could wait until he was dead to give it away. So I did. I dunno. Just made sense to me. He took care of me. If I left to go be with a man he might not have been there when I got back.’ You look at her innocently.
“Oh. Okay . Well.. go on with your grooming story, I guess.” Patti sounds like she wants to keep talking about your dad and his rules.
You blink at her.
“Ok. So handsome guy– most handsome in the world this person thinks– she grabs his hand and leads him into this cabin because, I just couldn’t let him walk right past me. I said hi. Wanna fuck? Just like that and he said yes. Asked me how old I was and then we went inside.”
“Doesn’t sound like grooming.” Patti seems unimpressed
“Wait!” You exclaim. “So the sex…is not normal. I guess. I dunno. He likes it real rough. Likes to talk dirty and do things that I didn’t even know were a thing you would do during sex, okay? So then he finds out I was a virgin when we met and now I only like and want rough sex and to talk dirty and for Joel to spit on me again.”
“He spits on you?” She is horrified.
“Yes! I love it. He used to– doesn’t anymore. Last time we had sex he looked directly into my eyes–” You stare at Patti dully and continue speaking at her while staring, “- like this the entire time. Never looked away. Never touched me. Fucked me and then rolled over and went to sleep.” You blink and lean back in your chair. “Was I groomed? Really? Can you shed some light on what grooming really is?”
“It doesn’t sound like it. Grooming is done maliciously . You just met a man. You seduced him.” Patti seems confused. “Not grooming in my book.” She sits back in her chair and sighs. “You care for him? Love him and want to stay married to him?” She seems confused again as to why you’d want to be married to a man who spits on you during sex, but you do. You nod silently. “Seduce him again.” She shrugs.
When you get home you move Nora’s crib into her room right next door to you. That’s where she will sleep from now on. This needs to be yours and Joel’s room again.
“What’re you doin’?” It doesn’t even sound like Ellie anymore. Her voice is a little deeper now and she got a little taller. Her face is still a little round like a baby but she is growing up fast.
“Movin’ Nora into her room. ‘Bout time, she is almost seven months old.” You’ve missed out on a lot but you try to not think about it. “Hey, come sit down for a minute.”
“I was just about to leave, Bird. I’m so–”
“What did you call me?” You gawk at her. Ellie closes her eyes and sighs.
“I’m sorry. Mom . It was an accident. I was going to go to–”
“Can you stay?” You blink at her. “Just for a little? I just wanna talk.” Ellie’s eyes scan your face before she walks fully into your room and sits down on the edge of your bed. She doesn’t say anything, just waits for you to talk. “You dad tells me you guys barely talk anymore. You ok?” She snorts and looks down at the floor.
“Yeah.” It’s all she says.
“Liar.” You say it playfully, hoping she will smile at you. She snaps her eyes up at you. “What’s wrong?” You take a step towards her but she stands and she’s just as tall as you are.
“I’m the liar? Real nice comin’ from you, Bird.” She looks at you as she speaks with contempt in her eyes. She used to look at you like this the first couple days on the road together. “Said you’d always take care of me, remember? Where the fuck have you been? I heard you fighting with Joel the other night and can you blame him for being on the couch? Look at you– rail thin. You’re a bitch to him all the time. Don’t take care of your kids. You’re a joke, Bird. I’m mad I ever believed you.” Her eyes never leave yours as she says it. It’s like she took that knife and stabbed you in the calf all over again. Now your heart, too.
“I’m kinda struggling a little bit, Ellie.” You whisper to her but her eyes don’t soften. “I didn’t want for all of this to happen. Having the baby the way I did just… I think it messed me up real bad.”
“Obviously.” Ellie is cold. She turns away from you now.
“I am really sorr–”
“For what? I knew this was going to happen.” Ellie turns now and has tears in her eyes but she is trying so hard not to blink. She doesn’t want them to fall and honestly, you’re doing the same thing.
“I wanted to prove to you that you were wrong.” You do blink and the tears do fall. You chin quivers. “I love you so much. I do. And I’m sorry you haven't been feeling it. It’s been hard to love myself lately.”
“Yeah. Well… you’re kinda hard to love right now. I gotta go. Love you. I’ll be home tonight or tomorrow.” And then she is gone. Out the door with her not so clumsy footsteps anymore.
You grab Nora out of her crib and bring her into your bed and lay down. She snuggles up next to you with her head on your arm.
“Don’t hate me, too.” You whisper to her. You were going to surprise Joel with sexy time. Seduce him with your homemade jam on your thighs. How could you do that now? It’s like she wanted to hurt your feelings. She did a real good fucking job, holy shit. You thought Joel hurt your feelings in the park? That was nothing compared to what Ellie just said.
Dinner for you and Nora is a bottle of milk for her and a hard boiled egg. She has some bread with jam in small tiny little pieces. Joel comes home while you’re feeding her.
“Hey, Pretty Bird. How’s the babybird?” He comes and kisses you on the lips gently and kisses Nora’s forehead.
“Ellie hates me. Really.” You explain all the things Ellie said to you…word for word and Joel’s face scrunches up like he can’t believe you. You know he does the way he’s gripping onto his coat. His knuckles are white around it and you’re scared for what he’s going to do.
“She at Dina’s?” Joel asks, about to put his jacket back on. You plead with him silently with your eyes to not go over there. He stops putting his jacket on and hangs it on the back of his chair at the end of the table. “So what? She can just say that stuff and it’s okay?”
“It’s true, Joel. I have been the worst. The literal worst and she and you bear the brunt of it. She’s right. So right. That’s why it hurts so much.”
The only good thing – if you can even call it that– is something is ignited inside you. A little tiny flame or something hot and fiery because now you do want to do something. You will not lay in bed and let Ellie think you are a bad mom. Nora will not grow up to feel the same way as Ellie. No. You will meditate and do yoga and you’re going to let your husband go as deep as he fucking can. Yup. You’re going to do it.
Tonight after this baby who just got jam and egg all in her hair goes to bed. You’re seducing the fuck out of Joel and then you’re going to meditate and be a good fucking mom again. You are determined.
You and Joel give Nora a bath together. You haven’t done this in so long. Joel does it alone but he asked you to come with him this time. He’s sitting beside the tub pouring water on her head. It gets all over her face and in her eyes and she hates it but he says it’ll get her used to it. Get her used to the water, make her like it– just in case. You hate when he says just in case; like something bad is going to break through these walls. Everything has been fine.
Nora puts a washcloth into her mouth and gnaws on it.
“She’s teething, I think. She had a little fever this morning. She’s fine now. Keeps biting on me though. All the time– put your finger in her mouth, feel how hard she bites down.” You point to the dark haired baby in the tub who is biting down so hard on the washcloth and pulling it from between her gums with her strong baby hands.
“Th’fuck is she doin’?” Joel laughs as Nora starts to growl. “Jesus, she’s an animal.”
“You like being a dad?” You look at him and can’t help but smile. Joel nods and pours another cup of water over the top of her head. It startles her and she gasps and sucks some water into her mouth. She coughs and chokes on it. You reach for her but Joel stops you.
“She’s got it. Let her get it out. S’just water.” Joel watches her carefully as she coughs it all up. She gags softly but then goes right back to playing with her washcloth, biting it again. “See? And yes. I love being a dad. I love my kids, all of ‘em. Think ‘bout Sarah every day.” Joel touches Nora’s scar and sighs. “Lucky I got two more opportunities to do it. Never thought I would want to.” Joel’s eyes flick over to you.
“You still like being a mom?” He sounds cautious to ask. You don’t blame him, your moods have been so unpredictable.
“Yeah. I do.” You lean back against the wall behind you and look at Joel sadly. “I’m sorry that I yelled at you the other night. Put a lot of the blame on you when I haven’t really been easy to sleep next to. Mean and irritable.” Joel holds Nora’s back as he turns his whole body to look at you. “Fucked up of me to sit there and tell you that you had been a not great husband when I had been being a shitty wife… a bad mom. Made you step up when you were going through it too.” You sigh because it feels good to apologize and admit those things to him.
“Thank you.” Joel murmurs as he leans over to kiss your forehead. “Thanks. I needed you to say that.” Joel leans back. “I don’t think you’re a shitty mom. I’m glad you recognize that its hard for both of us. Not just me or you. We both need to do better.”
“Wanna put her to bed? I have a surprise for you.” You smirk at him. He nods and pulls Nora out of the tub,
“The surprise have anything to do with her crib bein’ in the other room now?” Joel smirks and looks at you through his thick lashes. You nod silently. “Okay. Let me know when you’re ready for me.”
When you call Joel into the bedroom your heart is pounding. If he doesn’t participate tonight you’re going to jump out of the window and run away. Somewhere within this wall.
“What you go–” Joel sees you on the bed and sighs softly in the middle of his word. You have on only one of his flannel shirts and it's too big on you but you have it buttoned up to cover your belly. You have it opened so he can see your breasts. “Wow.” Joel whispers softly. “You’re so beautiful, Bird.”
“C’mere, Daddy.” You whisper to him. Joel licks his bottom lip slightly and swallows hard. “Please? I need you.” You bat your eyelashes at him slowly, your legs start to spread for him. “I need you right here.” One of your hands reaches down to between your legs, and you circle your middle finger around your clit slowly. You scootch down so you’re more exposed to him. You spread your knees and show him where you’re touching. “Come touch me. Right here. I love it.” You moan quietly.
You can see Joel’s erection in his jeans. It looks tight and uncomfortable. You nod to him and drop your eyes to his waist.
“Lemme see.” You purr as you slip the one finger into your folds. Joel sighs again as your finger disappears inside of you. “I’m already–”
“So wet. I can fuckin’ see it from here.” Joel sounds like he’s excited, his hand finds his belt and he fumbles with it because he can’t pull his eyes away from your cunt. “Jesus. So fuckin’ pretty.” Joel rips his eyes from you so he can look at his belt and figure out why he can’t get it off. He figures it out, pushes them to the floor and steps out of them. “Don’t stop. Make yourself come for Daddy.” He’s stroking himself through his boxers. His chest is rising and falling quickly.
You push your middle finger into yourself and curl it up into that raised patch within you. Your jaw drops open and Joel’s breath hitches as he pushes his boxers down, his hard, veiny cock slaps up against his stomach as he does it. It’s throbbing and he’s already drooling precome from the tip. His strong hand wraps around it and starts to stroke slowly, just tugging gently as you finger yourself for him.
“Jus’ like that babygirl.” Joel whispers softly when you let out a small moan. “So fuckin’ pretty.” He brings his hand to his mouth and spits into it noisily and spreads out out over the underside of his shaft as he moves his fist along himself.
“Did you miss me?” You whimper, your feet plant themselves firmly onto the bed and you push your hips off the bed slightly. “Did you miss being inside this cunt, Daddy?” You withdraw your finger from yourself and rub your clit again in tight, fast circles. You bite your lip to hold back. Joel sighs loudly when you do that.
“I like watchin’ you try n’ be quiet. You’re so bad at it.” Joel breathes softly. “So fuckin’ bad at it. You always make noise. I missed you s’much Birdie. ” Joel’s hands leave his cock as he crawls into the bed with you. He’s between your legs, his cock hovers at your entrance. You don’t stop touching yourself underneath him.
His eyes scan your face and he places his hands on either side of your head and you’re going to stop and roll over because you cannot be stared at for one more fuck. No. You need him to treat you like he used to. You get so nervous until his eyes drop down to your lips and then your neck.
“Fuckin’ perfect tits.” Joel leans down and takes one of your nipples into his mouth. You arch your back into him, begging him to do more than just suck on it. Be bites it gently and pulls back, letting it slide from between his teeth. You groan softly and close your eyes, your hand finds his hair. It’s getting so long and shaggy. Easy to grip as he leans down and takes the same nipple back into his mouth, his tongue swirls around it slowly. He speaks with it in his mouth. “Never even got to try your milk, Birdie.” Joel hums and you come. Immediately. Your hips push up into his and grip his hair tightly.
Joel’s cock slides between your folds when you push up into him and he moans softly around your nipple as your wetness brushes against him. You moan loudly and rock your hips against him as your first orgasm of the night rips through you. What did that man say? Milk? He wanted to try it? Jesus Christ. He’s so fucking hot. This is the man you wanted inside you.
“Oh. Did you like that?” Joel smirks and leans down taking your other nipple in his mouth, sucking softly. “I would have. Mad I didn’t.” Joel suckles from your breast softly as one hand reaches down between the two of you. “You want it? You miss this hard cock fucking your perfect lil cunt, babygirl?” He speaks into your breast as he slides the head of his cock up and down your slit. He is as hot as the sun. Has to be– he’s going to melt your pussy with how fucking searing hot his erection in.
“Yes. I need it so fucking bad, Daddy. Please. I want it.” You’re begging the best way you now how. “Spit on me, slap me, use me. Please.” Joel lets out a deep, rumbling chuckle as he pushes the head of his cock into you. “Fuck.”
It’s been close to three months since Joel fucked you. The last time he put himself inside you was the night you asked if everything was okay.
“What a naughty lil bitch.” Joel whispers against your tit, his eyes flash up to yours. “You love gettin spit on and slapped around by Daddy? Huh?” Joel tears himself away from your chest to hover over you, the tip of his cock sits patiently at your entrance. You are dying for it. Joel is trembling above you like he might be dying for it too. “Open up.” Joel demands. You get butterflies and open your mouth around a smile. Joel was looking down at you so seriously and then you did that, smiled big with your mouth open… Joel smirks down at you and stifles a chuckle. Before you can react he does lean down and spit onto your tongue. “You’re so fuckin’ cute, Birdi-girl.” He whispers into your open mouth before he spits again and pulls away. He’s smiling when he looks down at you. “Swallow.”
You obey because this is exactly what you wanted. Joel takes four stiff fingers and touches them to your cheek lightly. He taps your cheek as he pushes another inch of himself into you. He’s got a little smirk as his eyes flash from your eyes, to your cheek. He taps it again a little harder
“You like this?” Joel growls down at you. You nod silently. “Bird. C’mon. Words, baby. You know I love hearin’ you sing.” Joel’s eyes are staring at you but it’s a different staring. His eyes are filled with desire, and lust. There is a fire behind them that was not there before. Hasn’t been in a long time.
“I love it, Daddy.” You whisper up to him, batting your eyelashes in mock innocence because there is nothing innocent about what you want him to do to you. Joel is sliding himself into you so achinly slow it’s almost as if he isn’t moving at all. You do not care. The way he’s looking down at you, his hand still pressed against your cheek gently.
“You want me to fuck you like I used to?” Joel’s eyes lock onto yours and he tilts his head to the side gently. “Want me to treat you like the bad lil girl you really are?” Joel murmurs quietly as he presses his lips directly underneath your left eye.
“Use me.” You mutter up to him as you clench your walls around whatever inches are inside of you. Joel’s eyes close and he rests his forehead against yours.
“So fuckin’ tight n’ wet.” He groans. “So fuckin’ perfect.” Joel quickly drives the rest of his length into you. This pushes the rest of the air in your lungs out. You whimper quietly when he does it. He chuckles and presses his lips to the side of your face. “Love fuckin’ you. I missed it.” He groans quietly as he pulls himself from within the deepest part of you. “Gonna fuck you real good. Real slow.” Joel teases you with his words because he knows you don’t want that. You whimper again quietly into his ear. You feel him shiver against you and your hand finds his shoulder. He has goosebumps from the sounds you make underneath him. “Then I’m going to tear y’up, Bird. Fuck you all night.” He whispers, his tongue flicks against the arch of your ear. “Fuck you ‘till you can’t walk for two days.” He’s growling and pushing his cock back into you with more speed than before but not as much force. “You’re mine. Don’t ever forget that. Don’t ever take that ring off your finger. Mine.” Joel kisses up your jaw to your chin. His eyes find yours as he press his lips to yours. “Who you belong to, Little Bird?”
“You. Forever. I’m yours. Always.” You’re so flustered and so fucking turned on that you spit the worst out fast. Joel chuckles against your lips again, the tip of his cock hitting your cervix gently as he bottoms out against your hips. Your jaw drops open and Joel spits into your mouth again. You swallow it down greedily.
“Good Birdie.” Joel smirks and kisses your lips. “You wanna get fucked?” Joel murmurs. You nod as he kisses you. “On your hands and knees. Now.”
You cannot move fast enough. You accidentally kick him in the side of the thigh as you twist and roll over. Joel’s hands are on your ass before you can even push yourself onto your knees. You feel him at your entrance before you can get your hands on the bed.
“Beg.” Joel slides the tip of him against you, up and down, so slow.
“Please fuck me, Daddy. I need you. I want your cock so fuckin’ bad.” You turn to look at him over your shoulder but he isn’t looking at your face. He’s looking down as he spreads your ass and pushes his hips forward into slightly. You watch as Joel flicks his tongue across his bottom lip in concentration as he dives himself forward slowly. He’s staring at either your ashsole or his cock slipping into you. You do not care. You love that he’s looking anywhere but your face.
“Fuckin’ Christ.” Joel groans softly as he fills you completely. Joel brings his hand up and your already giddy with what he’s about to do. He brings his palm down onto your asscheek roughly. The clap fills the room. No worries about clickers or anything.
“Again, Daddy. Please.” You push yourself back against him and Joel gives you another one. Harder this time. It makes you hiss and clench your teeth in the best way. “Thank you, Daddy. Can I please have another?”
“Fuuuuuck. Holy fuckin' shit.” Joel moans softly and smacks your other cheek now. He grips your flesh tightly when his hand connects with your skin. “Fuckin’ nasty lil girl, ain’tchya?” Joel snickers as he moves inside you. His cock feels so fucking good, holy shit. You close your eyes and push your chest further into the mattress. You push your hips up further and arch your body back into the bed so he can somehow go deeper inside of you. “Damn straight, babygirl.” Joel slaps your ass again.
Now Joel really moves. He’s thrusting into you so deep and so hard it’s pushing you forward and punching the breath out of you each time. He’s rock hard, so hard and throbbing and hot inside of you and he’s going to bring you there. You’re so close already, leaking out around his shaft inside of you.
“Can I come–”
“Yes. Please come on me. Fuuck. I need t’see it.” Joel is panting already and he’s pulling your ass apart. The sound of his hips smacking into your ass fill the room. It’s loud and sounds like he’s beating someone up back there. He is. He’s beating you up back there and you’re fucking so in love with this man. You give him what he wants. That perfect little ball of good, hot bliss explodes inside of you. He’s deep inside of you when it happens and when you gush, it splashes against his groin and thighs and balls. “Jesus fucking Christ.” Joel groans and holds himself inside of you deeply like that, feeling your walls contracting around him as your second orgasm of the night.
“Yesyesyesyesyes.” You whimper through the pleasure. Joel leans forward and pushes your head into the bed.
“Shut up.” He growls at you, his hips are now slamming into yours. “Shut t’fuck up. You fuckin’ stupid? You wanna get us killed?” Joel leans over you and snarls into your ear. It brings you back to the cabin in the woods. You moan loudly and Joel puts his hand over your mouth as he fucks you from behind. “Come stupid. You never fuckin’ learn, Birdie.” He’s panting into your ear. “You’re gonna come for me one more time. You got one more come in you for Daddy?” He’s waiting for a response. He pulls your head back against his shoulder as he rams his cock into you quickly. “Huh? You got another gusher in there for me baby?” He coos into your ear.
All you can do is nod and hum happily from your throat as he silences you with his hand. He chuckles again and increases his speed which you didn’t even know was possible. You can barely breathe because he is just pushing the air out of you before you even have time to breathe in.
“Daddy wants to come deep in that perfect lil cunt. You want it? Want to come with Daddy while he fills you, Little Bird? You wanna come?” Joel is whispering into your ear now so sweetly as he continues his aggressive thrusts into you. “Come. Now.” Joel demands it. It’s not hard to follow his orders because you had already been coming when he say to. You never really stopped coming from your second orgasm. You do gush again on him. Joel pulls away from your ear and grips your ass again tightly. “Fuuuuck. Birdie. Fuck. I love you, Bird.” Joel groans softly as he pushes himself into you once more as deep as he can. He shudders against you as he empties himself.
You are a complete mess underneath him. You’re crying and panting and feeling as though you might pass out. Joel keeps himself inside of you. He likes this, letting his cock stay inside of you. While he’s back there his hands roam across your ass and lower back.
“Fuck that was– you cryin’?” Joel sounds suspicious.
“S-s–soo good.” You whimper through your tears. “So fucking g-g-good.” Joel leans over you and presses his lips into your spine. “I’m naughty. I’m filthy because I love getting fucked like this by you. This is incredible. You’re incredible. I love you so fucking much.” You whisper to him. Your cheek is still pressed into the mattress. You are weightless right now. Everything makes sense. “I am your naughty girl.” You moan quietly as you push your hips back against him. Joel groans softly.
“Again?” He smacks your ass, you feel him growing hard inside you. “I can go all night, baby. I fuckin’ love you and your perfect, pretty cunt.”
Notes:
^ are you actually fucking kidding me right the fuck now?
seriously you guys are so sweet and I read and love every single one of your comments. I really mean it when I say that they are so motivating and encouraging. I hope that I can make one person smile or cry or laugh. Even maybe try and help someone through their own shit with my writing. S'why I like to keep it on the real side.
much love from me to you -SB
Chapter 19: Always
Summary:
You're feeling better but you find out something that changes everything.
Notes:
trigger warning for talks of DV and murder and violence.
always- blink182
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Holy fucking shit.” You’re mashed into the mattress underneath Joel. His whole body weight is on you and he’s chuckling like you’re the funniest person he knows. You lost count of how many times he’s made you come.
Joel relaxes on top of you, his cock staying inside of you as he peppers kisses along the side of your face. He’s so warm, you both are dripping in sweat. He’s panting too, pressing his forehead into your temple, just breathing on you. It’s so fucking heavenly.
“I wasn’t even touchin’ myself, Birdi-girl. It ain’t just you. I mean it. I love you. Love bein’ inside you– close to you like this.” He’s breathing words into your ear in the dark. His cock’s getting softer inside of you but it stays in your aching cunt. You’re so sore. He wasn’t joking. You will not be walking for two days– at least not normally.
“You weren’t?” You’re kind of shocked by this. Not entirely because he has been acting differently but he always used to jerk off next to you when you were pregnant and uncomfortable and didn’t want to have sex. You’d touch him and whisper naughty shit in his ear. Help him out. But he stopped doing that too when you stopped having sex. You just assumed he was taking care of himself in the bathroom or something. Or deep down suspecting he was cheating on you but you couldn’t even go there. No. Your brain and body would not even allow you to think that because that hurt worse than thinking he hated you.
“Nope. Workin’. Drinkin’ n’ smokin’. Sleepin’, thinkin’.” Joel murmurs in your ear. He’s still on top of you and you feel so fucking safe right here smashed right into the mattress between your husband’s giant frame. “Birdie– I love you so fuckin’ much. S’why I wanted to marry you. S’why I wanted to have a baby with you.” His cock slips out of you on its own as he speaks and then he rolls over to be beside you. He puts one hand on your side, resting himself on his elbow as you mirror him. “I’m sorry I let it get s’bad.”
“I’m sorry I got so bad before I asked for help. Never really had to ask for help before. Not like this.” You whisper to him in the pale light of your bedroom. You literally fucked and talked and he made you a snack in between bouts of love making– if that’s what you wanna call it, it genuinely feels animalistic and fucking primal and filthy– until the sun came up. It’s coming up literally right now and neither one of you has slept yet. Nora will be up soon.
“S’okay. We’re both gettin’ it now.” Joel murmurs as he lays his head down on the pillow for what might be the first time since he came into the bedroom last night.
“You’re going to keep going to Don?” You’re curious because you did not think he would go back. You thought he would go one time and then say he did it. He talked. One time. And then he would think everything was better.
“Yeah. Go back today after work.” Joel sighs.
“You were just there the other day.” This isn’t a judgment. It’s an observation. Your tone makes sure he knows this.
“He told me to come back as much as I need.” Joel sighs… like he’s frustrated. You don’t say anything because you don’t know what to say. You stare at him, blinking. “I was able to fuck your god damn brains out after, wasn’t I?” Joel smirks at you.
“Go everyday.”
Joel falls asleep for an hour before he has to go to work. You grab Nora when she wakes up and bring her into bed with you guys as Joel’s alarm goes off.
“Sorry.” You frown down at him. He pinches his brow together as Nora pulls his hair.
“F’what?” He tries to de-tangle her tiny fingers from his graying shaggy hair with a wince. You help get him free from her incredibly strong baby hands. How the fuck is she so strong?
“You didn’t get much sleep. I feel bad.” You do. His job is so physically demanding and now he’s gotta go be a carpenter all day on an hour of sleep after doing another physically demanding job all night long. For you– him too, but he rocked your shit, girl. Fucked the sad right out of you, apparently, because you feel like a brand new woman.
“I’m not. I had the best night of my life since the outbreak with you right here last night in this bed– this room. S'like I fell in love with y’all over again, Birdie-girl.” Joel smirks up at you as Nora bites his cheek with her toothless gums.
“I did too. With the guy who gave me this ring.” You look at the wedding ring on your finger and smile to yourself softly. You feel his love… more than you ever have before. The struggle you two are going through makes this love feel different. Intense. Hot and passionate.
“I don’t really have to go to work today. The three of us guys have just been putzin’ around since it started snowin’. I could take the day off. Me n’ you and the baby can hang out. Maybe Ellie–” Her name makes you flinch. “Sorry, baby. I know.”
“As sad as I am about it… it was like a slap in the face that made me snap out of whatever fucking fog I was in. I’m going to really not lay in bed again. Never. Not all day like before. No matter how hard it is. I’ll get up and do my yoga and meditate and eat. I’ll fucking journal if I have to. I’m not going to let Ellie hate me for the rest of her life.” You’re serious. Joel can tell on your face. He looks not as hopeful as you feel.
“I’m worried ‘bout her. Worried she doesn’t wanna be here anymore. In Jackson.” Joel avoids your eyes.
“Why do you say that?” Your appalled her would even say that shit.
“Couple of people from a colony up in Seattle that came through a couple weeks ago put it in her and Dina’s head that there’s more out there. More colonies like this. Safer. More people in them too.” Joel sighs and runs his fingers through Nora’s hair.
“You think she’s going to try— Joel, she is fifteen years old. She can’t leave.” You snap because you have goosebumps and now you're trembling with fear.
“Have we ever been able to stop her from doin’ anything? Ever? We never punish her. Never make her stay her ass home. She’s free to do whatever she wants. Surprised she hasn’t taken off yet.” Joel kisses Nora’s head gently as he speaks.
“Connie’s wedding.” You whisper softly in realization why she’s still here. “She’s waiting until after Connie gets married, Joel. That’s in two fucking weeks.” You have goosebumps on top of your already still very present goose-flesh from before.
“Sonofabitch.” Joel grumbles as he realizes you are right. Connie and Ellie are very close, since Jacob beat the shit out of poor Connie that one night. She wouldn’t leave before Connie got married. No. You still had time to try and talk her out of leaving. You could convince her to stay in those two weeks.
Joel gets out of bed and gets dressed in a pair of jeans and that’s it. He’s gonna walk around the house shirtless all day? He cannot fuck you again today, you’re too sore so, he’s gonna need to put a shirt on. Dammit he’s so fucking hot.
Joel and you say nothing else about Ellie. It’s too fucking sad. It’s the afternoon when she finally does come home. She says nothing and goes right to her room. Joel starts up the stairs angrily but you stop him.
“I wanna.”
You knock on her door softly. She calls you in. When you enter she’s laying on her bed crying.
“What’s wrong, Squeak?” You whisper. She rolls away from you onto her side and curls her knees up into her chest. “I’m tryin’, Ellie. I’m not in bed. Please talk to me. Tell me why you’re crying.” She is sobbing on her bed uncontrollably.
“Dina fucked someone.” She chokes the words out. You rush to her and sit behind her, running your hand down her arm gently. “She fucked a guy.” She sounds disgusted.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think you guys were exclusive.” You murmur as you bring one hand to her hair and brush it out of her face. “That still sucks real bad. I know you liked her more than just a friend.”
“She said she doesn’t know if she likes girls or boys or both. Said she doesn’t know if she likes me more than a friend.” Ellie whispers and cries simultaneously. You want to cry with her. “I love her, Momma.” She’s trembling on her bed and tears do come to your eyes.
“I know you do, baby. I know. Heartbreak fucking sucks. It’s literally the worst. Feels like it’s gonna fuckin’ kill you.” You whisper down to her as the tears roll down your cheeks. “Nothing feels like it’s ever gonna make sense again. Food tastes like shit– dirt in your fucking mouth, Ellie.” You speak because you have just gone through being heartbroken with also dealing with a heaping amount of other untouched trauma. “I wish there was more that I could say or do to make you believe me when I say that it doesn’t feel like this forever. Might hurt for a lot longer than you want it too. But it wont stick with you for the rest of your life. You’ll meet–’
“When? No one else comes here and if they do, they don't fucking stay. So who am I going to meet that I don’t already know and hate?” She sounds just like Joel. Just fucking like him. She makes a good fucking point though.
“You gonna leave?” You whisper down to her. She snaps her head at you and scans your face with her eyes rapidly like she just got caught.
Joel was right. She’s gonna take off.
“You’d be mad if I did?” She whispers back to you.
“I’d come with you.” You lay down beside her and wrap your arms around her waist. “I’d pack up Joel and Nora and we’d all come.” You speak quietly and tears fall from your eyes silently.
“You guys are happy here.” She sounds empty. “I have nothing here but you guys.”
“I know, Squeak. You’re just still a baby. I’d be too worried about you.” You know Ellie is going to leave. With or without you and you know you cannot take Nora on the road. You cannot stop Ellie. You and Joel have both been too scared to actually parent her. You love her and protect her but Joel is right she has unlimited freedom because you both are too scared to say no to her because you don’t want her to hate you. You both lost your spine when it came to Ellie.
“I’m not a baby. I’m gonna be sixteen in a couple months. I’m a better shot than you now. I can take care of myself, Mom.”
“I don’t want you to go, baby. That’s too much distance between us. Too much. Too many obstacles.”You are crying audibly now. “I’ll still always love you– no matter where you go. I wish you would stay right here and be my baby for a little while longer though.”
“You got your baby. I know I’ll always be your first, I remember. But you can just worry about Nora now. I’ll come see you guys—”
You sob loudly and she turns around in your arms and hugs you tightly.
“I’m real sorry for what I said. I was mad. I still am, but I don’t not love you. You’re a good mom, I know you can be. You were a good mom to me. You’re going to be a great mom to Nora.”
You’re fucking inconsolable. Sobbing loudly because is she fucking saying her god dammed goodbyes?? What the fuck?
Joel comes into the room with Nora.
“What the hell is that sound–” Joel stops and sees the scene in front of him on the bed. “What’s wrong? What’d you say to her? Why’s she cryin’ like that?” Ellie doesn’t say a word to Joel.
“W-W-We’re just talkin’. Girl talk.” You lie and continue to sob. Ellie rests her forehead against yours.
“Love you, MommaBird. Can I talk to Joel… alone?”
You nod and stay laying on her bed because she wants you to leave? You don’t have much time left with her and she wants you to go? Fuck. You’re still not even fully sure what the fuck just happened. You just give your fifteen year old permission to leave? Are you dumb?
You get out of her bed and take Nora. You go downstairs and you sit on the couch in shock.
“YOU’RE DOING WHAT?” Joel is booming from upstairs. It startles Nora and she starts to cry. You don’t blame her. Look’it you! Still crying yourself. Joel is not yelling anymore. Not at all. It’s very quiet up there and now you’re worried. You hope he can make her stay. Joel is scary as hell. Ellie is not fucking scared of him. Never has been. You can lock her in the basement! You smirk at this idea. You’ll do it. Lock her down there and slide little slices of pie and other goodies through a little slot you’ll drill out. Can talk to her through it too.
Joel comes down the stairs fast. Two at a time it feels like. He’s putting his boots and jacket on angrily. He slams the front door when he leaves. You slip on your own boots and wrap yourself and Nora up in your winter coat. You go out on the porch and look for him on the street but he isn’t there.
“Sorry for yellin’.” Joel sighs from the chair he smokes in out here. “Slammin’ the door too.”
“It’s okay. I understand.”
“S’why you were cryin’? Not ‘cause she was bein’ mean again?” Joel mutters up to you without looking at you.
“Yeah.” You are at a loss for more to say.
“She’s not goin’ to Seattle. Said she was goin’ to try for someplace warm. Arizona or somethin’.” Joel sounds… pretty calm for what he just heard so, what’s going on?
“Okay.” You wait for him to give you more but he doesn’t. There’s nothing more to say apparently. He left after she said that. “You wanna go with her?” You look at him very seriously.
“We can’t take Nora out there. S’fucking irrisponsible to do that, Bird. You know that.” Joel sighs like he thought about it, too.
“I know. I just wanna keep our family together. So badly.” You could start crying again but you hold them back and stay strong for Joel.
“I do, too. I didn’t think she’d have a whole plan already.” Joel sighs again. “You care if I go talk to Don? I was–”
“Go. Go right there and then come home and we’ll do something. Maybe I’ll drop Nora off with Connie and Lucas– they’re always asking; sayin’ they wanna practice– and we can go to the bar together? Smoke a little or something? I don’t know.” You eye Joel carefully because you’re not sure you want him doing either of those things but if he was going to do them or felt the need too, you wanted to be there with him.
If you were with him, you could make sure he came home to your bed and not the couch. You could talk sweetly in his drunk ear and make him feel good instead of sad and all alone. That is your plan. Make him wanna be around you if he needs to be drunk sometimes. You don’t know…you’d do anything because you do love him. Still. Fiery and passionately.
“Yeah. I’d actually really like that.”
Joel leaves to go to Don’s and you run back up into Ellie’s room. She’s not there but there is a note on her bed.
Mom-
I can’t be around him anymore. Going to stay with friends until Connie’s wedding. I’ll come see you as much as I can if he isn’t there.
Please don’t ever forget how much I love you. Obstacles or fights or distance. Nothing can stop that. I know your love for me is real. Always.
Love your first baby.
-E
You hold the note close to your heart and sigh loudly. Ellie will come home again before she leaves. She has stuff here she would want to take. She also didn’t even say hi or goodbye to Nora before she snuck out which is very unlike her. You hope she changes her mind but in your heart you know. You know the truth. You hide it the note somewhere Joel won't look.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you back so soon.” Don is wearing a stupid fuckin’ sweater that Joel thinks is stupid. Hates it. Hates that he had to come here like a cryin’ bitch. Fuck. Joel knows that’s unhealthy to think that way. What-the-fuck-ever. He’s pissed. Wished he had a drink. A joint. Ugh. Joel says nothing. He glares. “What happened?” Joel’s eyes soften because how the fuck did he know something happened?
“What’d y’mean?” Joel raises one eyebrow in hesitant suspicion of being judged. It Don fucking judging him right now?
“You came back– what? Two days later? Something happened. Looks like it wasn’t something to celebrate.” Don sounds like he knows it all. Fuck him.
Joel was sitting in his den again though. There was a fire in the fireplace and it was nice and warm. Joel felt pretty comfortable despite his entire reason for being here. So warm. His and your house never got this warm. Joel was going to build a fireplace. Sure was. Gonna do it tomorr—
“Did you just come here to glower at me menacingly?” Don smirks at Joel and looks over the edge of his glasses at him. If Don wasn’t like…eighty something– Joel would punch the glasses right off him. Hard as shit.
“Nah. I got into a fight with my daughter.” Joel sighs and leans back. His forehead finally relaxes and Joel realizes he has a headache. Shit. “She’s thinkin’ about– not thinkin’- she is going to take off. Arizona or some shit.” Joel grumbles as he fidgets with a hole that's forming in his old jeans.
“Isn’t she young?” Don sounds confused as to why Joel doesn’t just stop her.
“Gonna be sixteen soon. Still a kid but…” Joel trails off because this is dangerous territory. Talking about Ellie at all was scary as fuck but now Joel had to explain how she became his daughter and lie again. Fuck. “She likes when we traveled. We were on the road together for a little over a year.” Joel opens up.
“You were bringing her here? Or…” Don needs more. Can’t help Joel if he doesn’t talk.
“No. We stopped here for a while. S’how I met my wife. But we left.” Joel cannot say more.
“What happened while you were on the road?”
“Shit. A whole lot.” Joel opens up about the things that happened to him on the road before he met you.
“Then your wife– well, she wouldn’t have been your wife then I think you said– she was with you?” Don sure is a curious feller.
“Yeah. She was almost fuckin' raped out there. Came up the stairs to some guy layin’ on top of her, talkin’ about rapin’ her or somethin’. I dunno. I had been stabbed maybe a day or two before that. S’hard to remember clearly.” Joel shrugs like this happens everyday. It does out behind these walls. Joel was very used to that. Killin' bad guys. Hurtin' the innocent is the issues he has.
“You struggle with that at all? Seeing her like that?”
“Nah. He didn’t hurt her. I got to him in time.” Joel looks at the floor and smirks.
“Kill him?” Don already knows! Can he not see Joel smirking?
“Sure did. For hurtin’ my Bird? For takin’ Ellie?” Joel’s eyes snap back up to Don’s. “Sure did. I’d do it again too.” Joel looks back down at the floor and sighs. Not something he should be proud of.
“Man’s gotta do what he has to out here to protect his family.” Don sighs. Joel looks back up at him and almost can’t believe that the older gentleman said that. “I know. Crazy therapy advice.” Don chuckles and Joel sees him relax in his chair a little. “Definitely different from the advice I used to give. Before the outbreak. You have to change with the times though. Or you die.” Don looks at Joel with softer eyes than before. “You know all about it though, right? I assume you were tasked with bringing this young girl somewhere. If someone trusted you enough with that responsibility… it’s safe to assume that you’re a man who is capable. Of a lot. Smart. Willing. Strong. Determined. You don’t just ask someone who is barely surviving to transport a child.”
Joel has to work overtime to keep his mouth from falling open. First of all– how the fuck did Don do that? Figure all that shit out just by what Joel said? Second, it’s been a while since someone talked about Joel in that way– calling him all those nice things. Made Joel feel a little better.
“I haven’t taken any patients since the outbreak– you are my first one in what… twenty years? I haven’t had to give advice to any. I locked myself in my office until Patti came to get me. We were both much younger and in shape then. We hid. In the country for a very long time.”
Don opens up to Joel and he’s interesting. Joel doesn’t normally give a shit what people went through after the outbreak. Joel went through the same thing; not Don. Don didn’t do what Joel did and he can tell.
“Then what?” Joel asks as he relaxes into the chair. He doesn’t take his eyes off Don.
“Years we were in the country together. Raiders eventually came through. Patti fought them off. I hid. I was never a fighter.” Don sounds ashamed. “She took care of me. Patti is a tough cookie. Once we found this place, I just stayed home. Safe here. She doesn’t need to look after me anymore.”
“Patti seems like a nice lady. My wife likes her, likes going to talk to her.” Joel doesn’t really know what else to say.
“How is your wife?” Don changes the subject and Joel is…okay with it. Joel smirks at the thought of you last night and all night and then this morning. “Better then?” Don gives Joel a smirking glance.
“Yeah. We..uh we were able to be together last night for the first time in a long time.” Joel sighs as that weight on his shoulders is relieved. Didn’t even know it was there. “All night.” Joel winks at Don.
“Good for you.” Don chuckles. “Did you feel better when you left here?” Joel has to think for a couple moments.
“No. Not really. I left and went to the bar and got drunk n’ high.” Joel admits sadly. “What we talked about really was messin’ with my head and I just didn’t wanna go home and look at her sad face when I came in and couldn’t fuck her again.” Joel is ashamed now. Very ashamed. “She showed up though— to the bar.” Joel looks back up at Don and shakes his head from side to side softly. “Said she was starin’ to hate me. Said she would fully hate me if I didn’t go home with her.”
“You did, obviously. How did that make you feel though?” There is the fucking therapy talk Joel heard so much about before the outbreak! He had been waitin’ for him to say that.
“Bad.” Joel says simply. “Terrible. I don’t want Bird to hate me. Never. I’d die if she hated me. I would.” Joel feels so serious about this. “If she stopped lovin’ me? Break my fuckin’ heart right in two.” Joel says honestly.
“Were you married before the outbreak?”
Did Don just punch Joel in the fucking chest? What the fuck? Joel cannot breathe. Before the outbreak? Untouched territory. Sacred ground.
“Yeah. Couple years. Divorced though.” Joel admits and he wonders what the fuck else he is going to admit.
“Nasty divorce? You have kids with her?”
Joel definitely just got the good ole’ one-two from Don just then. He just got punched across the cheek and then took one right to the chin.
“Yeah. Sarah. Twelve. Died the night of the outbreak.” Joel stiffens and averts his gaze.
“Your wife?” Don moves on, he knows Joel isn’t ready to talk about Sarah. Never will be with Don.
“Dunno. She left one night when Sarah was a baby. Divorce papers came in the mail a year later.” Joel looks out the window and sighs. He wants to be with you and Nora and Ellie even though he is mad at her.
“Why’d she leave?”
“Jesus Christ. We hated each other. She’d wail on me somethin’ fuckin’ terrible. I’m goin’ to work with black eyes and cuts all over my arms from tryin’ to block her from scratchin’ my fuckin’ eyes out. Joel snaps. “She does that for three fuckin’ years. I just yell back. Call her all the worst things in the book. Made up some even worse ones. I get wailed on no matter what.” Joel looks back at Don and leans forward. “Three years of that shit and I lose my temper one time… and she takes off the next day.” Joel fucking hates Don. So fucking much because the only people who know that are Joel and his ex-fucking-wife.
“She get hurt when you lost your temper?”
“I just smacked her lips. Real quick ‘cause she was hittin’ on me– talkin’ shit like always. It was somethin’ you do when your kid talks back to you. She didn’t even get a fat lip.” Joel is still ashamed. It’s the truth but she was the only woman he had ever put his hands on. He didn’t even put his hands on her. Just the backs of his fingertips and he still knew that was way to fucking much. But she could do it to him and worse all day every day for fucking three years? Got worse when she was pregnant because it was like she knew that Joel wouldn’t even try and hold her back when she had Sarah inside her.
“Do you ever wanna hit–” Joels eyes snap back to Don in disbelief.
“Never. I like bein’ rough with her in the bedroom. She likes it, too. But I’d never put my hands on Birdie-girl. Thinkin’ ‘bout it is making my stomach churn.” Joel sighs. “I gotta date with my wife. I don't wanna miss it. I’ll come back in a couple days.
Nora is with Connie and Lucas. You didn’t show Joel the note Ellie left, not yet.
He’s got his hands on your hips and his forehead pressed against yours. He’s pressed you up against the wall of the bar. It’s busy tonight. He doesn’t care who sees as he pushes his knee between your legs and pushes up against your mound. You both have had a couple drinks and it feels good. You’re sore but… shit. The way he’s looking down at you like it’s just you and him in here.
“You love me?” Joel murmurs against your lips. You nod up to him and wrap your hands around the back of his neck. “Good.” He kisses you softly. “You like bein’ here with me?” He’s breathing against your mouth and he smells like whiskey. You like it right now. You nod again. Your eyes cannot leave his. Won’t. “I’m obsessed with you, Little Bird.”
“Do you wanna go home? We can smoke? Connie said she doesn’t mind keepin’ Nora overnight. She did it that one time I got sick and had to go to the medical center.” You are breathless. Obsessed? Okay, shit. He can stay obsessed. His hands roam up and down your sides, squeezing you sporadically as he does it. He nods now, his forehead still pressed against yours.
Joel helps you put your jacket on and holds your hand as you lead him outside.
“Let’s go the long way. Stop by Con’s house, make sure she’s really okay keepin’ Nora.” You giggle as he grabs you by the waist and pulls you into him. It’s only nine-thirty. You had two very watered down drinks and you’re buzzing. He is grinning at you as he pulls you by the waist towards home– the long way.
“Jus’ wants me all to herself. Lock me up at home.” He grabs your hand and holds it gently as he takes his place beside you. “You could– lock me right up. I’d never complain. Never ask to leave.” Joel looks down at you with a smirk.
“Oh, well then I’m gonna. Lock you right in the bedroom and strap you to the bed.”
Joel stops. Let go of your hand, put both of his hands on his bent knees and groans loudly.
“That sounds so fuckin’ incredible, Birdie-girl. Ho-oly shit.” Then he pops back up and looks at you. He takes his place back besides you and keeps walking like he didn’t just do that. You’re in shock. “What?” He smiles at you.
“Why are you so funny?” You chuckle at him and start walking beside him as he doesn’t wait for you but is slower now, waiting for you to catch up.
“I’m not funny.” Joel scowls. “Not even a lil bit, don’t say dumb shit like that.” Joel nudges you with his hip gently. “You’re the funny one. You. I’m excited to laugh with you tonight. Don’t forget how to breathe. Put your body in automatic. Much easier.” Joel winks at you.
“Yeah I wish I could have just told myself that then instead of panicking about it in bed for fifteen minutes.” You sigh and laugh at the memory.
“Bird–” Joel is already laughing. “Do– Do you know how– how horrified I was–” He’s laughing even harder and can barely speak. “- when you told me th-th-that you had never been high before?” Joel says the last couple of words real fast so he can just spit them out. “I felt so bad. ‘Bout everything then… now it’s kinda funny.” Joel is laughing so hard. “How come you didn’t tell me you never been high before?” Joel is inconsolable.
“I didn’t think it was going to make me feel like that!” You’re laughing now too, mostly because of how hard Joel is laughing. He’s… rumbling. It’s deep in his belly and he’s hunched over like it hurts him, holding his stomach. “I thought I was dying and I thought you were going to kill me or something.”
This sends him over the edge. He needs to hold on to your shoulder for support or he’s going down.
“Bird, I’m so sorry.” He apologies through his laughter. “I really am.” He speaks so fast so the words don’t get caught on his guffawing.
“Does the thought of me fearful for my safety just really do it for ya? Really gets ya there?” You wheeze as you both stand in the middle of the street laughing. If someone looked out their windows they’d see a couple in love. Got their hands all over each other– Joel is hanging onto your shoulder and you have one hand in his hair making him look at you. “Is that so funny?” You both have laughing tears in your eyes. He leans in and kisses you but neither of you can actually purse your lips together enough for a real kiss. You just laugh against each other's closed mouths like mental patients.
Joel pulls away quickly and your fingers fall from his hair and you both take a deep breath in. Your side hurts, you have a stitch. You both breathe and look at the snow covered street in silence. You meet each other's eyes and it starts all over again.
“How– how we gonna get down the aisle together at Connie and Lucas’ weddin’?” Joel squeezes the words out of his body with almost no air in his lungs.
“I dunno.” You whimper because your side hurts so bad but he’s not allowing you to stop laughing.
“I hate us. I look’it us? Fallin’ over in the street. We each had two drinks. S’wrong with us? Ain’t even smoked yet.” Joel is trying to catch his breath.
“I hate us, too.” You know neither one of you mean it in that sense… you don’t actually hate you two together. Never. It’s just funny because you know if someone did happen to look out their window to see you… they’d probably roll their eyes at the drunks on their way home from the bar. You don’t care. You love you two. Especially like this.
Nora is already asleep at Connies. Lucas and her come out onto their front porch…where Jacob kissed you that one time.
“Y’all have fun?” Connie gives you a knowing look? She is the one person you opened up to about your struggles because she demanded that you tell her. She said she wouldn’t leave until you did. She’d sleep right in between you and Joel. You told her that you don’t sleep in the same bed anymore. That’s when she offered her services and has always been available when you needed her.
“Sure did. Needed a nice date with my woman.” Joel kisses the top of your head and holds his lips there. Lingers for a while.
“Did she go to sleep good? She didn’t give you trouble eating?” You ask nervously. Connie blinks at you.
“Bird… have you seen her? She wrinkled her brow. “That girl hasn’t had trouble eatin’ a day in her life. Love that lil chunk-a-butt.” Connie giggles. “Can’t wait for my own. We’re tryin’.” Connie admits excitedly. You give her an excited smirk back. Lucas blushes.
“You gotta let him spit in y’mouth. Like Birdie told you that one time.” Joel chuckles and gives Lucas a knowing smirk. “That helps.”
“I’m willin’ to try anythang.” Connie shrugs her shoulders and wraps her arms around Lucas’ waist. “Y’all want us to bring her over in the mornin’? You could come over for breakfast! I can make pancakes for everyone if y’all wanna bring some of that ham you got?”
“Connie, I would love that. I’m so excited. Please just come bring her over if she wakes up and won’t go back down for you. We won’t be upset, just bang on the door real loud.” You give her a big hug and Joel surprisingly gives Lucas a hug. Those two drinks he had must have been strong. They slap each other's backs so hard.
If Lucas hadn’t asked Joel to be his best man… you would think they didn’t like each other with how hard they are hitting. It’s like the more a guy likes his friend the harder they slap their back during a hug? You don’t know. You hug people like a normal person. Joel is mumbling something into Lucas’ ear under his breath and you see Lucas quietly nod his head and say yeah to Joel in his ear. Hm. Wonder what that was about?
Once out of earshot of their house you ask what he said.
“Told him to keep the babymakin’ limited to nights that my daughter wasn’t there.” Joel scoffs. You laugh and slip your hand into his back pocket.
“Good thinkin’.” You smirk up at him. “I’m excited to smoke with you. Haven’t since I found out I was pregnant.” He slips his hand into your back pocket and squeezes.
“Fought through that morning sickness like a champ. Didn’t eat a single brownie. I did. Ate all of ‘em.” Joel admits with a chuckle.
“I was one hundred percent sure it was Ellie.” You gawk at him. He laughs loudly and nods.
“I was waitin’ for you to blame her. I was gonna shake my head disappointedly behind you while you yelled at her.” Joel squeezes your ass again. Talkin’ about Ellie makes you sad but it seems to make Joel happy. He’s smilin’ real big.
“I would have looked like such an ass.” You shake your head at him with a smile on your face.
“She was in on it. I told her to take the blame and if she ever did I would’a given her her own revolver like you. She’s probably pissed you never yelled at her for it. She was waitin’.” Joel is still chuckling and now you can’t help but chuckle.
“Your a fuckin’ trip.” You shake your head at him again as you guys get to your house,
“Check the mailbox.” Joel whispers.
“What? We don’t get mai–”
“Check. The. Mailbox.” Joel tilts his head to it slightly. You look at him suspiciously and he just shrugs his shoulders quickly. “I’m gonna go inside. Don’t open the mailbox ‘till I’m inside and don’t come in ‘till you really look’it what’s in there.” Joel kisses your forehead and jogs inside. Once inside you drop the mailbox flap and feel stupid because you cannot remember the last time you did that. There is a piece of paper folded in half.
Little Bird– read me first
You pull the paper out and behind it is a small black box. You take that in your hand, close the mailbox and walk to the porch. You sit in Joel’s smoking chair and set the box on your knee as you open the paper.
LB-
i cared about you the minute you put your hand in mine on the road that first day
pretty thing.
i know you wanted to get some mail so here ya go
im sorry the last 3 months havent been marital bliss
first couple months of our marriage been real rocky…
wanna try again?
J
-p.s. open the box, stupid
You have tears in your eyes as you set the letter down and take the top off the box and there is a new ring. Still silver, a bigger diamond and this time there is one smaller diamond on each side of the large center one. It’s fucking beautiful. It looks like it probably was real expensive back when someone bought it. You’re in awe at how stunning it is. Looks almost too nice to put on your finger. You slip it on– how does the man do that!? He got a ring sizer he’s checkin’ your finger with while you sleep? It’s perfect and there is even a little tiny wiggle room like your original ring for when you gain some weight back.
You open the front door and Joel is sitting on the couch rolling a joint. There are two already rolled on the table.
“You wanna?” Joel smiles at you happily and licks the paper and seals it shut. “Think we deserve another shot. Don’t want a ceremony though. Just do what we did last time–”
“Okay.” You interrupt him because you don’t care how you do it. You just wanna spend the rest of your life with his thoughtful, handsome, caring man. “You could tell me we have to sacrifice one of those cows in the pasture and I would. I love you so fucking much. So god damned much.”
Joel drops the rolled joint onto the table and leans back into the couch as you make your way to him and straddle his lap. His hands find your waist and hips and he squeezes your ass as he looks up at you. He’s stone faced, always is when you do stuff like this. Too focused on looking at your face and taking you in as you stare down at him. He is amazing. He can be an asshole but so can you. You’d never give him up. Never, ever.
“You’re my wife Birdie. Forever ‘n always. Cold n’ dead. I’m yours, baby.” He whispers softly. He takes the other two joints off the table and stands. "C'mon. Let's go get comfortable."
“Take your clothes off.” Joel smirks as he hands you the joint. You smirk at him as you sit on the edge of the bed. It’s cold. You’ve got all the windows open in your room. You wanted to sit with him in bed. You have on one of his flannels and a pair of shorts you wear to bed. He’s got on his jeans only. You love when he does that. You don’t know why. It’s not like he’s doing anything special… and Joel has put on a little weight but… you like it a lot. It sits in his cheeks a little and in his stomach but in a way that just makes him look…full. Not flabby or out of shape. You don’t know. You’ve been staring at him and that little trail hair that leads from his belly button to the place you wanna be in his jeans.
“It’s cold.” You whisper. You don’t really care. You used to fuck him in an abandonded cabin in the woods in the dead of winter. Your pussy and ass used to get real fuckin’ cold out there. At least the heat was on here despite the windows being open.
“So what? I wanna see you nekked. ” Joel smirks as he takes the joint back from you. “I like seein’ your tits. They’re so fuckin’ perfect, Jesus. Could suck on ‘em all day.” He talks around the joint between his lips and you’re going to make him go deeper– fuck if he wants to. You want him as deep in your throat as he can freakin’ go.
“Lil self conscious.” You mutter with embarrassment all wrapped around it like barbed wire. It came out of your throat and mouth and it hurt to say.
“Why?” Joel asks softly and then sighs and drops his gaze down to the joint between his fingers. “Don’t gotta say it.” Joel mumbles as he hands you the joint. He doesn’t look at you as passes it. “I’m sorry I said that.”
“It’s okay. I get wha—”
“No.” Joel growls out softly. “It’s not oh-fucking-kay, Birdie.” He whispers. “Super fucked up f’me to say to you. Should have never, ever brought your body into it because I love your body.” He sighs and now he looks at you. “I really do.”
You don’t know what to say. You didn’t realize how much his words had affected you until he asked you to get naked. You had never had a problem with it before that. Last night you subconsciously put his flannel shirt over your scars. You did it for Joel but it had never been a thought that crossed your mind before. At least last time he would look at your gunshot scar. He’d fuckin’ touch it and kiss it and whisper he was fucking sorry to it when he was drunk.
With these new scars he doesn’t want to look at them. Has to stare into your eyes. Can’t look away ‘cause the sight of your scars will make him so soft or somethin’. Who cares! Push rope, Joel. Fight through it. Not really. You know how badly he feels. Fucks you up how bad it fucks him up and that’s why your self conscious. Look at how self aware you are.
“Please take your clothes off.” Joel whispers softly as he taps the joint out in the ashtray he brought in from outside. You’re teetering on being a good high and a bad high. Maybe you won’t take him deeper tonight because your mouth stopped working two seconds ago.
You stand up though at the edge of the bed and your stoned, clumsy fingers fumble with the buttons. Holy shit you are so fucking nervous. Literally shaking. You think your fear of being naked is intensified by your high. Why did you smoke so much? You are dumb. Just went hit for hit with Joel who apparently smokes every day because his eyes aren’t even red anymore and he’s lighting up another one.
You are literally still on the first button. Joel doesn’t mind. He sits back against the headboard and crosses one leg over the other in front of him as he smokes. He watches you with squinted eyes.
“You need help with those pesky buttons, babygirl?” Joel coos to you playfully. You shake your head from side to side because your mouth’s broken Out of order. Fingers don’t work either but you get the button undone. Then the rest start to come undone a little easier as your fingers and brain start to work together again. Before it was just one or the other. You could think or move fingers. Not both.
The last button is free and now…you keep the flannel on, each side covering one of your breasts as you slide your shorts down your hips. Your unsightly scars are visible and now you wanna go lock yourself in the bathroom. Hide in the tub for a while.
Joel is tapping the new joint out and getting off the bed to be in front of you. You stare at the floor as he slips his hands underneath the fabric. He’s warm in contrast to the chill air of the bedroom. You can’t look at Joel. Too nervous. His hands slide just below those perfect tits he says you have and then across your rib-cage slowly. He is pushing the shirt open and it falls off your body once its pushed off your shoulders.
Your husband drops to his knees carefully in front of you and holds you by the waist and kisses your belly button gently. Inadvertently, when Joel knelt… he fell right into your eye-line and you can’t look away now that he is hypnotizing you with those beautiful brown eyes. He keeps his warm, wet lips against that scar for a while before he speaks against it.
“Lookin’ at ‘em now as a reminder of how fuckin’ strong ‘ resilient you are. Not as somethin’ I did to hurt you.” Joel kisses your belly button again softly. He drops down a little further to the six inch, slightly curved upwards scar right above your mound. “This ones always happy to see me, ain’t sure why I was shy to look at it.” Joel smirks up at you against your skin and scar. “You’re so fuckin’ sexy and beautiful.”
Your mouth still doesn’t work. Mostly from being mind staggeringly-high. It’s also partly from the fact that Joel has stolen all words and all thoughts and all fears right from your brain. What were you even scared of? Why had you been so nervous.
“I know you’re sore. M’honestly sore, Birdie-girl. I don’t wanna use you or be inside you tonight. Just wanna be close to you. Come get under them covers with me.”
Notes:
^yall think that's a prosthetic? lemme know bc I haven't been able to stop looking and idk whats real and whats fake. I think I'm dead actually.
lemme just say, I don't condone DV at all. never would. but I think it's important for character growth and we know nothing of Joel's first wife so I made it all up. I hope you don't all hate Joel for what he did to his abusive ex-wife in my story that I made up. he's trying. he's talking to someone, for goodness sake, give the man a break.
Chapter 20: You're Gonna Go Far
Summary:
We ain't angry at you, love
You're the greatest thing we've lost
The birds will still sing, your folks will still fight
The boards will still creak, the leaves will still die
We ain't angry at you, love
We'll be waitin' for you, love
you're gonna go far- noah kahan
Chapter Text
After breakfast at Connie’s which was much needed, the walk home got real.
“You know where Ellie is? She at Dina’s?” Joel asks curiously as you near where she lives. You sigh because you aren’t going to keep things from him. Not like this.
“I dunno where she is, Joel.” You whisper. “She was upset yesterday because Dina doesn’t want to be with Ellie like that— or at least Dina said she didn’t know…” You look up to Joel anxiously. He is listening with calm eyes. For now. “Dina apparently…slept with someone who was not Ellie.” You stay looking into his eyes for his reaction. “And this someone had a penis– I dunno who. Don’t ask me.” Joel nods, taking his eyes away from yours to look at the road in front of him.
“She say anything else?” He knows she did. You were blubberin’ like a bitch upstairs when he walked in.
“Yeah. Said she needs to go somewhere with more people. Wants more than what this place has to offer.” You murmur. “I love this place. Nice n’ not too big. Just the right amount of people– for me. Ellie is gonna be sixteen. She wants to find love.” You look back up from the street and Joel is no longer beside you. He’s seven paces back. You stop and cock your head to the side in question.
“You fuckin’ gave her permission?” Joel is stunned.
“I never said it was okay. I never said ‘go- git outta here’. I listened to her, Joel.” You stare back at him. “I didn’t yell at her. I listened because she is fucking struggling here. Bad.” You look down at the sleeping baby wrapped to your chest and bundled up in the cold March weather. “I’m not saying you didn’t have a normal reaction because I wanted to scream, too.”
“What t’fuck, Bird? Where is she now then? Wasn’t home last night. Wasn’t home this morning.” Joel is panicked.
“Joel… she left me a letter yesterday after you went to Don’s.” You whisper it softly. When you look up from Nora he is right in front of you with worried eyes. He’s right there pleading with you silently to tell him what it said. You don’t want to. You also don’t want to show it to him because he has a temper and you do not want him to damage it and ruin the most perfectly sad thing you’ve ever received.
You sigh loudly.
“She said she can’t be around you anymore. Said she was gonna go stay with friends until Connie’s wedding.” You can’t believe you are relaying this message. Joel’s heart breaks right there in front of you. You can see it happen in those big, brown eyes. “I’m sorry, Honey.” You reach for his arm to comfort him but he pulls it away.
“Not mad at you. Don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me. Go home. See you later.” Joel whispers and turns on his heel. He leaves you right in the middle of the street.
At least he told you he wasn’t mad at you but now you wanna follow him to see where he goes. You do. You’re sneaky. You wait until he turns a corner and then you race as fast as your torn up, weak thigh muscle will let you. Surprisingly quick if you put some oomf into it. You’re sure he is going to the bar. Gotta be. He needs a drink so, you’ll go with him– waiting outside, you don’t care– and when he is ready to leave you will hold his hand home and put him to bed next to you.
Joel does not go to the bar. Walks right past it and into a different housing tract. You don’t come over here often. You guys don’t know anyone who lives over here– at least you don’t. Joel walks up to the porch of an old, light green house. A fat old man with white hair answers! It’s Don! You could jump for joy. Literal joy. You limp to Patti’s house.
“He went to Don’s.” You’re gasping for air. She looks… concerned for you. Wondering why you’re at her house at nine thirty in the morning so unexpectedly. “S’good thing.” You pant and put your hands on your knees. Nora squeals.
“Oh. The baby is here? Come in.” She opens the door and lets you come inside. You kick your boots off excitedly and run into her house. You sit on her floor and unwrap the baby from your chest after you take your jacket off. “Give.” She holds her hands out for Nora and takes her from you. She sits in a rocking chair and holds your baby in her lap. “You are very cute. You are. A tiny, huge baby.” Patti smiles at her kindly. Nora squeals as loud as she can. “And you have so much to say. ” She sounds so impressed with your kid.
You wanna ask Patti if she can be your mom or if she wants to like.. Be your grandma or something? You don’t know. You’ve never felt so comfortable talking to someone like this. Ever. You really never thought Patti judged you– except for that one time you told her Joel spits on you and she was horrified– she always just listened and offered the best advice she could. You appreciate it.
“What was so upsetting he needed to go to Don? Why is this a good thing?” Patti looks confused. You only come here either crying or on the verge of killing yourself, so, she’s just wondering what the fuck is going on.
“He didn’t go to the bar.” You say happily as you lean back on your hands, stretching your legs out in front of you. “Something happened yesterday.” This is said not so happily. You’re worried and anxious and you’ve been pushing it deep down inside of you. Hoping if you don’t talk about… it won’t be real.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“S’alot.” You whisper.
“Well you’re already here.” She whispers back to you.
“I can’t tell you anymore than I am going to tell you right now. I need you to not pick or ask questions. I’ll tell you what I can.”
“Okay. Sounds serious.” She leans back in her chair and gives Nora a coaster to play with. You sigh and hesitate, waiting for her to change her mind and say she doesn’t wanna know. She doesn’t. Shit. Here we go.
“Our daughter…” You chew at a piece of dry skin on your bottom lip as your foot starts to twitch back and forth. You don’t even realize you’re doing it. But guess who does? Patti.
“Relax. No judgements. No questions.” She nods her head at you. You gulp. It makes an actual sound in her living room. A gulping sound. Jesus. You’re fucking terrified.
“My husband was asked to transport her from Boston to Salt Lake for something. When we got there everything went to complete fucking shit. Almost lost Ellie. Fully. Done breathing. We saved her though. Saved her.” You stare at Patti as she fucking spellbinds you or some shit. “We lied to her about it though. Lied to her real fuckin’ bad.” You don’t even really see Patti.
You’re back in that hospital screaming at those two nurses as Joel waits for you to hurry the fuck up. You shot both of those women in cold blood. Two nurses who could have saved the whole world. Could have given your baby daughter some sort of regular life. Murdered them. Watched and also helped Joel murder people. For Ellie. Now she wants to leave you.
Patti doesn’t speak. She waits for you, she knows there is more coming from your mouth. She’s pulling it out of you with her nice fucking eyes! Witch! She’s a witch!
“Joel gets boozin’ and I guess she takes advantage of it. Askin’ him about what happened and he can’t keep his story straight.” You whisper. A not so new but unspoken fear comes to your mind. “I’m afraid she’s gonna go back there. Try and find out what really happened.”
“You think she will?” Patti speaks quietly so as to not disturb the trance she put you in somehow. Fuckin’ witch!
“Joel and I didn’t kill everyone gettin’ her out. People there knew him. If she asks questions and they know the answers… she’ll get ‘em. Won’t fuckin’ like them either.”
You wish you could sit in on Joel’s conversations with Don– not really. He has done some pretty fucked up shit. You thought killing your mom was bad? Let’s be honest…you did her blubbin’ ass a favor out there in those woods. There was so much fucking worse than losing your life at the hand of your loving daughter with no malicious intent. It’s fucked up and terrible, but she could have been tore the fuck apart by infected. Raped by raiders. Mobbed down by those fuckin’ crazy assholes in the city you and you dad had to haul ass to get away from that one time. She would have never made it.
You spared her.
Joel did not do things like that. No. He did not. You do not even want to repeat them because they are not good. You know he did what he had to. Survival was most important. You don’t necessarily wanna know about them. You’re glad he has Don because those pictures he painted have not left your head. Ugh. Trying to meditate them right the fuck out of your memory part of the brain. Cortex lobe or something. You dunno.
“Why do you think she wants to leave?”
You tell her about the fight. You tell her about the laying in bed crying with Ellie so hard you thought you were going to cry your skin right off. You tell her about the note.
“Oh. Yeah. She is planning on leaving.” Patti sounds surprised like maybe you were being dramatic. “You guys can’t stop her?”
“Stopping her just means she hates us. Hates us until she is old enough to leave. Is old enough to say she wants to go. That’s three more years of us lying to her.” You whisper. You’ve thought about it. “Then she finds out the truth anyway.”
“Tell her the truth.”
“How was Don’s?”
Joel is on the couch when you get home. He shrugs and sighs. You go and sit down beside him and hand Nora to him so he can’t get too mad at what you’re about to tell him. He knows already you’re gonna say something he doesn’t like as he takes the baby from you.
“Do you remember that conversation we had? I can’t remember where the fuck it was the basement or the garage.. You dunno. Maybe we were walking. But you told me why you were really taking her to Salt Lake.” Joel nods silently. “We got her back and that night we laid in bed talking about it. I told you I was going to tell her the truth.” Joel doesn’t even nod. He stares. Doesn’t even blink. “I’m gonna tell her.”
“Bird.” Joel just says your name. That’s it.
“It’s the only thing I can think of. She’s leavin’ regardless.” You sit on the floor in between his legs and rest your head on his knee. “We don’t tell her before she goes and she hears somethin’ about it– fuck, Joel. You said some people from Seattle came through here. What happens when someone from Salt Lake comes through here and knows us.” You whisper. This is a brand new– brand fucking new thought. “What if someone else tells Ellie the truth before us?”
He is speechless.
“You can be mad at me but I can’t go the rest of my life lying to her. You said she probably doesn’t believe us now as it is. Rip the bandaid off with me.”
“No. You tell her. I can’t Bird. I can’t look at her face and see her heart shatter. Knowin’ I lied.”
“Marlene lied.” You snap at him. “That stupid cunt lied to Ellie. We saved her.” You put your coat on. “I’m goin’ to find her.”
He doesn’t try to stop you.
You go to seven different fucking houses asking if these parents have seen your daughter like an asshole parent who doesn’t know where their kid is. You are an asshole. Finally, someone answers the door and you see Ellie on the couch in the living room.
“Care if I borrow my kid for an hour or two?” You joke with this unknown parent but Ellie is already on her feet putting her shoes on. She grabs her coat and says thanks to the woman at the door before she can respond.
“Sup, Mommabird?” She smiles at you and gives you a hug.
FUCK.
“Wanna walk with me? I gotta talk to you about something important.” She nods at your request and you take her to the park. The bench. You turn to look at her and sigh and make another stupid gulping sound. She raises her eyebrow at you.
“You good” She smirks but you cannot form a smile to save your life.
“You remember…” Jesus fuckin H Christ. You’re gonna throw up in her lap. Holy shit. Okay. Deep breath. “Do you remember our talk that day in front of the RV. Right after you stabbed me to shit.” You try and smirk but the corner of your lip just twitches like you have some weird muscle spasm.
“Yeah. We talked about what happened with David. You were real supportive. I loved you right then.” She smiles at you.
Okay how can you tell her now? What the fuck?
“I loved you, too. So fuckin’ much. More than I loved myself. Still do. What else did we talk about?”
She has to think for a minute. Your eyes dance across her face. Her little scarred eyebrow. Her cute perfect nose. Her eyes that look strikingly similar to Joel’s.
“You told me about what might happen at the hospital.” She is whispering. You nod.
“Why you keep askin’ Joel about what happened there?” It feels like your going to implode in on yourself. She doesn’t answer right away. She stares at you, right into your eyes.
“‘Cause I don’t believe him.” She sounds mad in her little whisper.
“Why?”
“Why do you think?” She smirks a little and you’re scared for your life all of a sudden and even more scared ‘cause you can’t run away from her. She is fast.
“Tell me.” You are absolutely vibrating with nerves right now.
“I got the partial truth out of him one night when he was drunk on the couch.” She admits. She leans against the bench and sighs. “Told me that he changed his mind. Wanted to come back.” She looks over at you. “That the truth, Mom? Is what you told me at the table the day the truth.”
You shake your head no silently. Her eyes go wide. She sits up on the bench and then stands. Her cheeks go red and you can see the gears turning in her head. She’s freaking out.
“Sit. I’ll tell you.” She obeys immediately but her mouth is pressed together somethin’ tight. She is pissed. “You remember being flash bombed?” You ask. She shrugs. “That’s how it started.” She’s hanging on by a thread. She has tears in her eyes and she’s shaking. You don’t make her wait for it. “They were gonna kill you, Ellie. Just like we talked about. They had you strapped to a table when me and Joel woke up. They weren’t even going to let us say goodbye to you. They didn’t tell you what was going to happen.” You have tears now but it’s because you haven’t blinked once since you started talking. Your voice sounds is trembling. Sounds like your bouncing in your seat but you are still. You are…so scared.
Ellie stays… so quiet.
“Marlene told us that she didn’t tell you. Didn’t wanna scare you. She said you wouldn’t feel any pain.” You blink and the tears fall. Ellie does the same but hers start to pour out in a constant stream. You want to die for lying to her. “They were gonna break up our family, Ellie.”
“We weren’t a family then.” She whispers shortly. “I could have changed things?” Her voice is trembling.
“They didn’t fucking know, Ellie!” You exclaim. “They wanted to test it out! Would you have died for a te—”
“YES! What the fuck else am I living for Bird!? If not that exact thing. What do I have to live for? No future. No fuckin’ girlfriend.” She flicks her eyes up and down at you. “No parents. Nothing. Fuck you. Fuck Joel.”
Okay. You didn’t actually think she would have done that. Not at all.
“The others? The other immune people Joel talked about?”
“There were none.” You are ashamed and it apparent in how quiet you just said that.
“What the actual fuck is wrong with you guys– that’s like fucking kidnapping you know that?” She stands from the bench. “Joel shoot Marlene?” She turns to look at you with literal hate in her eyes. Anger. She's spitting mad and you're about to bear the brunt of her shit now.
“I don’t remember. I was almost dead at that point.” You lie to her a-fucking-gain. You do know that Joel killed her. You cannot bear to tell her this.
“I can’t believe this.” She whispers and holds her hands to her forehead. “You tell me now ‘cause you think it’ll make me stay? I’m fuckin’ leaving–”
“I told you so that you didn’t find out from someone else. You’re gonna leave here and there are going to be people that know about this, Ellie. People who have heard about it or maybe who were there themselves that day, I don’t know. But you deserve to know the truth from one of us—” She snaps her head at you and scowls in her best Joel impersonation.
“Where is that fuckin’ sonofabitch? He home or he drunk at the bar like always?” Ellie twists her head around like Joel could be sneaking up behind her.
Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
You realize what you two have done to this poor girl. Really, for the first time. You thought you saved her. You took away the only choice she was ever given in this world. The only thing that was ever really hers. Stolen from her by the people she has been living with. Trusting– partially. Leaning on for support. You two kidnapped her, dragged her to the middle of nowhere and said have fun. While you do that— we’re going to have a baby and then you have to deal with it while Joel and you deal with your trauma. You did good, at first… but after you had Nora. Shit. Ellie really was all alone with no parents. Joel wasn’t around for the last three months either.
“He’s home.” You whisper.
“Got anything else you wanna say before you never fucking see me again?” She snaps angrily.
“So much, Squeak. I know you don’t really care. Just know I’m sorry. Really. I love you, so much. S’why we did it. ‘Cause we love you.”
“Fuck you.” She says it slow and with tears in her eyes. She turns and heads in the direction of your house. She walks slowly. You follow at a distance because you know things are going to blow up at home and you’d rather Nora not be around for it.
Ellie hesitates at the door. You walk up behind her with tear stained cheeks.
“Want me to go get Nora?” You whisper. She nods silently with her own tear stained cheeks. She hides herself away from the front door but Joel is in the bedroom. He’s got Nora on the bed with him and he’s up the second you walk in the room. “Wait.” You stop him from running outside. “Give her a minute with Nora first. P-P-Please.” You whimper. He nods and avoids your eyes, he’s staring out into the living room like she’s out there. It’s like he can see through the walls or something.
You bring Nora out to Ellie. The baby gets so excited to see her. Hasn’t seen her in a while. She squeals and holds her arms out to Ellie. It makes you sob as Ellie grabs her. She holds her close and rests her forehead on Nora’s.
“You’re seriously the best. I love you and always will love you so much. I’m so sorry you got stuck with such shitty parents.” She looks at you when she says it and it fuckin’ stings. Like you got bitten by a rattlesnake or something. You say nothing. “You are the best little sister. I’ll come back to see you– to make sure you’re okay.” She whispers quietly and a part of you hates Ellie right now. You know she’s mad but fuck her. She’s being so fucking mean and you know why but you can’t help how you feel.
Struggling with PTSD and PPD and almost losing your husband. She’s too young to understand. You don’t blame her for not trying. You wanted to lay in bed all day and cry and not talk to her about why you were sad. But still fuck her. She kisses Nora on the cheek for a long time. Ellie hands Nora back to you.
You sit down in Joel’s smoking chair while she goes inside. You wish you could hear them but you also are glad that a part of you can’t. You think you’d die from dehydration from the amount of tears you would lose. This is awful. You feel like such a terrible mom. Ellie should just take Nora right now. Save her the fucking hurt of having to grow up around you and Joel. Nora is babbling happily wrapped up in her blanket and her winter hat.
It sounds like she’s saying mama. Mama. Mama. You smirk down at her with tears still in your eyes.
“Mama.” You mimic her. “You sayin’ ma-ma.” You say it quiet and slow and blow her a kiss and she giggles with a big smile. She loves you. “Say it again. Mama.” You blow her another kiss and she mouths mama with no sound. Just smacks her lips together noisily. You love her so much. You’ll never leave.
Nothing is being thrown around in there. That's good. No screaming either. Weird.
You’re out there for a while. Nora’s cheeks are red from the cold. She has to go inside. You wanna just open the door and set her on the floor and slide her in with your foot and come back out. You don’t really wanna be in there.
They’re on the couch when you walk in. They stop talking when you do.
“Baby was cold. Going in my room.” You go straight to your room and shut the door. You set Nora down in the crib and press your ear to the wall that separates your room from the living room. The wall the couch is pushed up against. Holy shit—you can hear them.
“..don’t get it. We told each other everything.” Her muffled girl voice. Fuck. You hate yourself even more now. You might ever hear it again.
“I didn’t wanna lose you.” He is barely audible.
“Well you are. You did. If you had told me in the car, Joel. We could have worked on it but you lied to my face for so long.” She’s not crying.
Joel is silent or you can’t hear what he is saying.
“Is that all you're good at? Lying? Lied to Mom about the blonde bitch before we left. You were obviously fucking them at the same time before we left. You didn’t tell Mom. I had to. You know how fucked up that is? That she was so desperate for the truth that you wouldn’t give her she had to ask her fourteen year old daughter?” She isn’t holding back. Jesus Chris. Ellie is way to fucking grown and now you get why she thinks she can just leave.
You think of all the horrible shit you said to your mom as a young teenager. Never had to say that but you called her a bitch a bunch. Said she was a bad mom. Never wanted to see her again. Hated her. All for a lot less than what Ellie is upset about.
“I’m sorry.” Joel is so quiet.
“I don’t care. I don’t– fuck. I do care. I care so fucking much and that’s why this fucking sucks so bad because I care. I love Mommabird and Nora. You fucked it all up. You did. You didn’t need to lie to me Joel because I would have come back with you guys.” She’s crying now. “I would—” She gets cut off but you don’t hear him say anything. “You made Mom lie to me.” She whimpers. “I know you did. S’why she was the one out there telling me the fucking truth while you hid in the house like an asshole, isn’t it?” She is speaking but its more muffled, you think Joel is maybe hugging her? Holding her to his chest. The tears are still pouring out of your eyes.
You two really fucked this little girl up. Worst part is you did it with the best fuckin’ intentions. How confusing for all three of you.
You wanna go out there and hug her. You can’t. It’s Joel’s turn to get his lashings.
The door to the bedroom opens and your caught red handed with your ear against the door. Ellie has her arms wrapped around your waist and hugs you so tightly it almost knocks you off your feet.
“I love you. I do. More than any fight or any obstacle. I always will but I gotta go, Bird. I can’t stay here anymore.”
And then she’s fucking gone. She is running out the door, running out the front door before even got a chance to hug her back. Nora is in her crib so you chase Ellie outside. Joel is still on the couch, elbows on his knees with his head in his hands. He doesn’t follow you or even get up to go check on Nora.
“Please don’t go.” You sob softly. She stops in the front yard and you see her shoulders shaking.
“I have to. After everything I went through and everything we did… it can’t all have been for nothing, Mom.” She doesn’t turn towards you.
“I don’t think our family is nothing.” You whimper. “This is what a family feels like, Ellie. It’s not always nice and pretty. Sometimes it’s ugly. Sometimes it hurts so bad it feels like it might be better to be dead. But this is family. We love one another. We fight because we love, we lie because we just want to protect the others feelings. It’s dumb. It’s stupid— it literally makes no fucking sense, but at the end of the day it’s because we love each other. That’s family.”
“I’ll come back one day. See you. I love you, Momma Bird. I really do. I hope you know I’m not leavin’ ‘cause of you. I just gotta figure it out on my own.” She turns now and walks back to you. She gives you a real hug. Let’s you hug her back.
“You not waitin’ for Connie?” You whisper softly.
“Gonna go see her before I leave.” She mumbles into your shoulder. “I do love you. I always felt safe when you slept next to me. I think about those nights a lot.”
Is the girl trying to fucking kill you? Seriously, you can’t fucking breathe… you're getting snot all over her jacket.
“Good choices, I love you. No matter how much distance is between us. Always, Ellie. Always. You are a blessing in my life. Still my favorite out of you and Joel.” You kiss the side of her head ten million times. She never pulls away. You rest your head on hers and cry. She does too.
Joel never comes outside.
You watch her walk away until you can’t see her anymore and then you stay out there longer in case she changes her mind. Needs her Momma Bird still. She doesn’t. She is going to be the greatest thing you ever lost, and it's killing you inside.
You barely get inside before you’re on the floor of the entrance to your house. You’re gasping for air, nothing comes in. Joel is beside you and trying to get you off the floor but your chest feels like it has needles and rocks in it. Razors.
“I know, baby. I know.” Joel tries to comfort you through his own tears. He had Nora in his arms and she’s confused why y’all are both crying. That’s her job. It’s time to punch in. She starts wailing too.
“I c-c-c-c” You can’t. You can't even. That’s how fucking bad this is. No talking. No breathing. Just fear. “Really?” You turn your head to look at him. He’s leaning against the chair, sitting on the floor with tears on his cheeks. He nods silently.
Now it’s just the three of you, you guess.
Joel and you didn’t speak for the rest of the day. It’s like Ellie took your voices with her when she left. You both were so affectionate with each other and held Nora close between you in bed while she slept like you were afraid you were going to lose her too. You would, one day. Not like you lost Ellie though.
It’s dark. Pitch black in the room when Joel’s voice whispers through the dark at you. Neither one of you have slept or even attempted to…because how? How could you?
“Should I go get her?” You hear him swallow hard. You think for a long time.
Would begging Ellie change anything about her situation? Would dragging her back by her scruff and forcing her to listen to you and grounding her in her room do anything now? It’s hard to admit to yourself. It’s the worst truth you could ever imagine but…you failed Ellie. Failed her so hard. Pulled her out of school. Gave her no education– just like you, and you hate how uneducated you feel. Think about it constantly and even though you read and try…it’s not the same as going to school and you fucked Ellie out of that.
Dragged her right into that terrifying situation with Ava and Jacob. Made her raise your child for the last three months. You feel hollow again. Empty.
“Y’sleep?” Joel murmurs when you don’t answer him for an eternity.
“No.” You whisper to him as the tears roll out of the corners of your eyes. Your head fucking hurts, it’s pounding. Underneath and the corners of your eyes fucking burn from wiping away those tears– been doin’ it all fuckin’ day. Can’t breathe because you’re congested. All from cryin’ over Ellie.
“That your answer to both questions?” He sounds so defeated. You feel defeated. You weren’t prepared to be a mom. You didn’t think you needed to be prepared. Thought it just came with love for the kid in front of you. Needing you. Nope. You’re not even really prepared for Nora. You went into this whole baby thing blind. Only knowin’ what Maria and other moms in the colony told you. No one had a single fucking what to expect book. Joel looked, never found one. You wonder if there would have been a chapter on this in there somewhere.
“I don’t know what to do, Joel.” You feel Nora stir beside you. She rolls onto her stomach and sighs loudly, farts, giggles in her sleep and then it is silent. You and Joel both chuckle in the dark. How could you not? That was the cutest thing you’ve ever heard in your whole life and it came out of the one daughter you got left. Only one you’ll ever get.
The chuckles fade and then it’s quiet again.
“We just wanted what was best f’her.” Joel sighs softly. You feel his hand on the top of your head. His thick, strong fingers massage your scalp and bury themselves into your hair. It feels so good and your body stops being stiff and tense for the first time since you two spoke about Ellie on your way home from Connie’s this morning. You fear what people are going to think of you– as superficial and dumb as it sounds– your fifteen year old running away. Joel and you do nothing to stop it and don’t go after her? You’re pariahs in this colony. You think that.
“What if we never see her again? Somethin’ happens to her out there and we never find out? Spend the rest of our lives wonderin’?” You whisper and turn your head in his direction. His hand never leaves or stops rubbing and scratching your scalp softly. “I dunno if I can live like that. My heart can’t handle it.” You whimper, trying to hold back your sob because you don’t want to disturb Nora. She’s sleeping so good between you and Joel.
Joel never lets her sleep in bed with you two. Says it’s dangerous and this is a marital bed. Not for kids. He brought her in here after you laid her down in her crib for the night. Needed to be close to her tonight.
“She told me where she was goin’. I can always go check on her.” Joel offers it as a solution to the fear you have.
“Alone? Leave me wonderin’ about you too while I sit here with Nora for however many months it takes you to find her and get back? F’somethin’ happened to you? I’d never be able to go look. Not ‘till Nora was old enough. Who knows how long that takes…if I ever want to take her outside these walls.” Your heart is pounding in your chest with the thought of doing this all alone. Forever. “No. We can never split up. Not ever.” You try to express the severity of your words through your whisper.
“She still gonna wait for the wedding?” Joel asks dryly.
“No. Said she was going to see Connie and Lucas before she left. She left a lot behind– I’m surprised.” Your heart is aching.
“Took your revolver, though.” Joel admits to you. You don’t care. She’s going to fucking need that and a lot more. “One of my hunting rifles too. Buncha ammo.” Joel sighs. When the fuck did she do that and when did Joel find out and why is he just telling you this now? You don’t ask. The answer isn’t going to change anything.
“You think she’s gonna be ok?”
“She’s the most capable and determined girl I know. If not her… then I dunno who. Mad Dina ain’t goin’ with her, honestly. When I thought she was plannin’ on takin’ off– I thought Dina would be goin’ with her. Now they’re fightin’ and I know she’s gonna be alone.” His voice is steady. He’s done crying. Been done for a while. You try to compel the tears back into your body. They keep fallin’ from the corners of your eyes and burn like a bitch when they do.
“You think that was the last time we’ll see her before she leaves?” You whisper sadly.
“Yeah.” Joel doesn’t need a minute to think about his response. “S’hard for her. Don’t think she really wants to go. Feels like she has to. She’s pissed at us– me. She’s pissed at me. You might see her again. I won’t.” Joel sounds like he is crying now. If the baby wasn’t between you it’d be easy to snuggle into him and hold him close to you but you can only rest your hand on his chest. You feel him crying and he holds your hands there with the one he doesn’t have tangled into your hair.
Neither one of you has anything else to say that night. Hurts too much.
Thinkin' about your girl. Hurtin' out there, wanting to do this alone. Without you. You will wait here in Jackson for the rest of her life, regardless of how far she goes. You'll be here waiting for her when she comes back to you. Always.
Notes:
^poor sad Joel. :(I promise I won't ever use song lyrics as my summary ever again. I just could not use anything else. Did you guys cry as hard as I did while I fucking wrote it and then seventeen more times while I edited it? I have no tears left. None.
I would have chained myself to ellie and never let her leave
Chapter 21: Pushing the Pink Envelope
Summary:
You have a revelation about your past.
Joel and you have another argument but it end's differently than the rest have.
Notes:
I got some graphic depictions trigger warnings comin' in hot right now. TRIGGER WARNING FOR GRAPGIC DEPICTIONS OF SOME GROSS SHIT. GROSS, YUCKY.
It's not SA DV or CSA. Also not suicice. I know that's a pretty heavy topic in this story, there are some talks of it in here. Not super graphic depictions of it. It won't be forever I promiseeeeee.
I just cant tell you what. so, I'm sorry if I traumatize you. you can yell at me in the comments.
You guys really stuck it out those last two chapters. I was going to wait a day to post them and I was like why would I just make people I love sad two days in a row? I love you guys so much and your support in this. I have never had so much fun writing something. I'm glad you all enjoy reading. I enjoy writing it for you.
That being said. Might be a lil sad in this chapter. I tried to pepper in some chuckles (hopefully) in there as much as I could because the last two chapters were ROUGH. I'm still not fully bounced back yet.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Ellie doesn’t know what the fuck she wants. She doesn’t wanna go out on the road without Joel and Bird. That was the scariest and most fun thing she had ever done and she wanted to do it with them again. Nora was the only thing holding them back. Nora was perfect and Ellie didn’t even resent her. Not even a little tiny bit. Only had love for that baby in her heart.
The love for Bird was still there too. Ellie watched the woman who used to be so happy to be her mom lay in bed all fucking day. With a brand new baby at home that she wanted so bad. Couldn’t even get out of bed to take care of Nora! Ellie knew that Bird had it rough. Bird almost died two times for Ellie and her sister. Ellie knew that Birdie-girl loved her. She just had a hard time loving herself and that made Ellie mad.
Bird was great. Fun. Sassy. Cool. Ellie looked up to the woman who wanted to be her mom so bad. Then their stories about the hospital seem suspicious. Ellie remembers the talk she had with Bird in front of the RV that day when Bird said she and Joel would make sure that Ellie got out. No matter what.
Next thing Ellie knows she wakes up in a car which had never happened to her before– Bird is fucking covered in blood in the front seat. Shot and torn up to shit. That fucked Ellie up. Seeing the woman she wanted to be her mom looking like that? Hurt Ellie really bad to know that poor Bird almost died for Ellie for nothing.
It’s cold out here and she doesn’t want to go back to her stupid friend's house. Ellie wants to see Dina. Dina doesn’t know what she wants from Ellie. Being fifteen fucking sucks. She wanted an opportunity to change the world or a family. She got fucked out of both, apparently.
How was she supposed to stay with Joel? How? Look at him everyday knowing he’s capable of lying to her about something so monumental just because he didn’t want to lose her? Does he not remember the fucking song?? The truth should have come before that song. Should have. The truth should have come from Joel. Not Bird who was looking so scared the entire time. Ellie could have said so much worse…wanted to say more mean things to the woman who claimed to be her mom. The scared– the real fear of losing Ellie in her eyes– made her hold back just a little.
Joel could barely look her in the fucking eyes. How dare he come up with that lie and then let Bird tell him the truth. She knew it was a fucking lie right from the beginning. Right in the backseat. She kicks herself everyday for not saying something right then. Calling him out. If she had and he came clean and just said he wanted to save Mom, go back to Jackson and be a family…with siblings and a house. Ellie would have said yes. She wanted that, too. Was tired of being lied to.
Two moms fucking stolen from her. One from clickers and one from fucking lying.
Dad who she loved more than anything but couldn’t trust.
Ellie had to go. Just see what it was like. She could always come back. Birdie would always let her come back. She’d probably snuggle right up in bed with Ellie when she got home too. She’d come back. Needed some time. Needed to get away. That’s all. Warm vacation for a year or two. See what else was out there. Then she’d come home.
The next morning feels like you’re in a dream. How are you up and walking around right now after what happened yesterday? You’re cooking Nora an egg, some ham and toast; like you still have a heart inside of you. You want to be high. You dunno why. Just feel like it would make you feel better. Or way worse. You dunno. Don’t want to feel this way though. Maybe whiskey would help.
Joel holds Nora close to him, nuzzling his nose against her cheek gently as she leans into him, watching you make her breakfast. She is perfect. Her hair is getting long, curly. It's still dark like Joel's. He stands beside you in the kitchen. His free hand roams all across your back. It’s storming bad outside. Can barely see out of the windows. He’s not going to work. You have to go see Patti though. Joel probably needs to go see Don.
“You okay if I bundle up and go see Patti for a while? After Nora is done with breakfast?” You look over at Joel who is staring into his cup. Nothing in there but black coffee. He snaps his head up to you.
“No. Go now if you want. I’ll finish feedin’ her. Need somethin’ to focus on or I’m gonna go crazy.” Joel stands and walks around the table to take your place to finish feeding the egg and jam goblin that is your youngest daughter. “Why you let her get food everywhere? Now she needs a bath.” Joel smirks down at the baby and pinches her side when she lifts her arms above her head. She has a wet, nommed on piece of toast in her little grasp. She jolts when Joel tickles her. She’s got a piece of egg right under her eye and jam in her hair.
“I can give her a bath, I’m an ass. I just let her play—” You start, feeling badly for her being dirty because you hadn’t noticed the playfulness in his tone, but Joel kisses you silently.
“Go. I’m not mad. I like seein’ our baby happy. Even if it means she’s covered in jam and eggs.” He whispers against your lips and smooches you again softly. “Do anything to keep her happy.” He sounds so fucking empty even though the words he speaks are so kind and sweet. He sounds like there’s nothing inside of him.
“You can go see Don when I get back.” You kiss him tenderly and wonder if he hears your emptiness. He just nods and sits with Nora.
“You like those eggs? Makes yer’farts smell.” Joel teases her, leaning in real close to kiss some jam off her cheek. “Stinkin’ up our room last night with yer’egg farts.” He tickles her side and she squeals. Nora is the happiest baby you’ve ever met and it’s a stark contrast from how Ellie left here yesterday.
Joel really is a great dad. When he was home, he was present. Regardless of if he slept on the couch in the past. You wonder what his daughter Sarah was like. He said the watch he wears everyday was a gift from her. He never takes it off. She seems like a sweet girl the way Joel talks about her when he does– which is rare.
It’s fuckin’ freezing out here. Jesus Christ. Where did Joel bring you to live forever? The arctic? You don’t remember the winters being this bad. Not ever. You’re getting pelted in the face with snowflakes the size of half dollars. Hittin’ you right in the eyes. Patti seems surprised to see your eyes and nose when she answers. She can barely see them over all the snow build up around your hat and scarf.
“Must have been bad. Whatever it was that had you out walking in this storm to come talk to me.” She waits for you to de-snow in her entryway.
“Our daughter took off last night.” You whisper, hanging up all your outside clothes on a hook by the door. “I told her the truth like you said. Didn’t change anything.” You’re crying again and now Patti gives you a hug. She’s never done that before. Not even when you were threatening to end your life right here in this same entry way. “My heart is broken. ” You mutter into her shoulder as she squeezes you tightly.
“I lost a daughter in the outbreak. My son and grandson as well.” She whispers into your ear. “It’s hard to lose a child. To death or distance. The unknown. It’s impossible.” She doesn’t stop hugging you.
It doesn’t make you feel better because this heartbreak will stay with you for the rest of your life. You’re sure of this. You won’t move on or get over this or meet a new daughter. This stings and it will sting like this every single day until you stop breathing. It’s sharp and twisting in your soul and every good feeling is leaking out around this fucking knife of betrayal that has been stabbed into you. It’s your own knife. Ellie shoved it in but you handed it to her. Pointed to your left breast, close to your sternum and said— Here. Stab me right here. I deserve it.
Patti leads you into the living room. You can’t talk. It hurts so fucking much. You wait for her eyes to charm some truthin’ out of you but she doesn’t. She gives you sad eyes and a sad smile. Offers coffee but the dirt flavor to food is back. Ash in your mouth. Decay.
“How are you doing… mentally?” Patti is concerned about you, lady. Ho-oly shit. Right off the bat? Damn. It’s good that she asked though ‘cause you weren’t going to bring up the fact that you were looking into that bathroom mirror for just a little too long this morning. Thinking a little too hard about what not breathing feels like.
“Not good.” There’s some truth for her. How ya like that, Patti?
“I figured. You having any thoughts or plans?” You stare at each other. She has such a nice face. So comforting and just a little intimidating at the same time. Kinda like Joel.
“Yeah.” You whisper. “Not really a plan.. Just thought about it. S’why I’m here. I could have laid in bed alllllll day today, too. Had a bunch of good excuses– the weather, husbands home from work, I’m fucking sad.” Your voice cracks. “I got up though. I pushed.” She smiles, not so sadly now. It’s as if she’s proud of you. Can’t remember the last time someone looked at you like that. Feels nice.
“Good for you. I know that shit was hard today.” You love when Patti talks non therapy like that with you. Makes this feel less professional and a little friendlier. “What are you going to do when you leave here?” She tilts her head to the side gently in curiosity.
“Dunno. Go home and let Joel go see Don. He needs to talk to someone but I don’t know if I could be alone with Nora right now. I got a lot on my mind and I just don’t want it to start to wander. Stop payin’ attention to her.” You’re ashamed to admit that but it’s true. It’s why you asked if you could go first. You know Joel is hurting so badly right now… maybe even worse than you. But you needed to come here so you could be a real mom today. Present.
“I have something for you.” She stands and leaves the room. She goes to the second floor– you can hear her walking around above you. When she returns she has three books in her hands. “One for yoga. One for meditation and this is a blank journal. Use it. It helps.” She hands them all to you. You’re so thankful because you didn’t know how to meditate or do yoga. Not even in the slightest.
“Thank you.” You look up with appreciative eyes.
“Use this journal like no one is going to read it. Hide it from your husband if you think he will snoop. But put everything in here. Things you're too afraid to tell me even.” This advice sounds stupid. “Then you burn it.” Ohhhhhhh. Okay. Okay. You see where she’s going with this. “Piece by piece. Fear by fear. You burn them away. Let them go.” She whispers.
You wonder if this is what those cobras in those baskets feel like in the streets of India or where-ever-the-fuck they do that shit. Your eyes are glued onto hers and she is speaking in such a calm, sweet, caring tone that you might actually do anything she says.
“Okay.” You whisper up to her breathlessly.
“You are worth something.” Patti breathes life into you when she says this, you dunno why. “Worth more than sadness and desperation. I see it in your eyes. This is a hard life– harder than the world we used to live in. Hard for the pure of heart– it breaks them down. The rules are different here. It’s not fair.” Patti cups your face gently. “Your father should have been punished for what he made you do.” She whispers down to you.
“He was.” You breathe a new truth to her and to yourself as the memories come flooding back to you. Real life memories of your dad whimpering and crying. Trying to crawl to you but you were too far away and he was hurting too much to move. You sat across the room from him with every knife and every gun that was in that house you shared with him. He’d reach for you. Cry for you. The memories are right there in the front of your brain like you hadn’t forced yourself to forget them.
It’s clear now. It had never been clear before. Your dad just suffered. Was scared to die. That’s the story you told yourself and everyone who ever asked about him, for so long. He didn’t want to die. Was too scared to die. No. He wanted to die quickly and you wouldn’t let him. The sepsis was coursing through him. You could see it killing him. Shaking and shivering. Sweating fucking bullets. He was so confused towards the end. Dad kept asking for your mom. Kept calling out for her like he didn’t make you kill her so long ago– like she had been around this whole fuckin’ time. Calling her name.
“Marjorie! Marjorie where the fuck you at?”
You watched and you didn’t shed a single fucking tear. Not one. Not even as the infection turned into septic shock. Dad got real pale. Stoped sweatin’ cause he was so fuckin’ dehydrated. Just clammy lookin’. Had a rash all over, mostly around other open wounds he had already. You didn’t even bother looking at his killer wound. Not one time. Couldn’t do it. Not even after those really shallow breaths he had been taking for a couple hours slowed even more. Eventually turned into these… real weird …rattling and groaning noises before it stopped. Sometimes you think you hear them when you’re asleep.
You sat there like that– leaning up against the closed door to his bedroom…staring at his dead body in that bed for six hours after he passed. Took him nine to die after he laid down for the last time. You did not move. You did not speak. For thirteen hours. You peed your fucking pants like a child, but you were so fucking intent on being there when he took his last breath. You wanted to witness it and you fucking got to.
You had pushed— not pushed… you burned it out of your brain. Just like Patti had said to do with those pages of the notebook you had in your hand right now. You torched that memory. Because you didn’t spare him. Not like you did with your mom. No. You let— made him suffer and that fucked you up out there in those woods all alone. Fucked you up real god damned good.
“What do you mean?” Patti whispers down to you as her thumbs brush away the tears from your cheeks. “He went sixteen years as a free man. It wasn't a good life but he didn’t pay for his crime against you, sweetheart.” She is so comforting with her words like you didn’t also basically assist in the death of your father in the most gruesome way. You were five miles away from a colony when it happened. You could have gone for medicine. At least tried for him like you tried to save Joel .
You didn’t.
“He paid for it.” More breathless words you didn’t even mean to fucking speak. You can’t tell someone you did that. That’s the worst thing you've ever done. Could be. Right up there with what you did to Ellie. You’ll burn that memory again outside. Write it all down real fast and then burn it and it’ll all go away. Just like Patti said. Perfect. Fixed. “I want to go home.” You sigh. “I wanna see my baby.”
Nora is not even home. Where did Joel take her? What is up with this family and notes all of a sudden? You don’t ever get to leave someone a fuckin’ note. Such bullshit. You got fuckin three in the last three days.
took babybird to dons
shes bundled up real good. dont worry
J
Dang, couldn’t even wait for you to get back? Honestly that's fine because you couldn’t be a mom right now. You have so much stuff– emotions and memories and thoughts you would like to disappear– to write down so you can burn it. You’re…giddy with excitement. Literally giggling as your hand just scribbles words down incoherently onto the page.
…… i killed both my parents….im a terrible mom…. i want to kill myself everyday….my husband and i are monsters blah blah i think that these walls are bullshit and i hate them and i hate living behind them blah blah and this is so fucking unfair blah i wanted a prom blah i wanted a car blah i wanted my first time to be special and it wasnt it was rough as shit blah blah blah kinda fuckin scary but i loved it blah blah blah
There are words and sentences on this page that you didn’t even know were true but they are being scribbled down from the pencil that is in your hand. With thoughts coming from your head. It felt so good to write them down and get them out.
You wonder if this is what fucking Jacob felt like scribbling down in the basement like a weird little dick wankin’ weirdo. Basement smelled like come. Disgusting. You don’t care because it feels good to say write these things knowing you aren’t going to scatter them all around your basement and piss on the walls or whatver the fuck he was doing down there. Fuckin’ creep! You hope Joel killed him slow! You regret ever telling him to show him mercy! Fuck!
I hate myself i should have killed my ex boyfriend I dont like who ive become i was a good person before the outbreak and now me and my husbands are murders cold blooded murders apparently our favorite thing to do together and the only thing we are good at besides fuckin is killin hes a good dad but im a shitty mom this is the worst our daughters are going to hate us both of them
Okay! Time to burn it! Let’s heckin’ go, Patricia! You feel better already! You slip your jacket back on and put your boots on. You do not have a lighter. Joel has one in the bedroom! You kick your boots back off and trot your happy ass into the bedroom, grab the lighter off the nightstand and march back out to the door. Put your boots back on. You have the lighter in one hand and your book of secrets in your other.
The door opens as you reach for it and it scares the ever livin’ shit out of you. You jump ten fucking feet in the air. Holy shit! You drop the journal and the lighter and stare at him with fear in your eyes. He chuckles at your reaction and bends to pick up the things you just dropped. Before you can stop him… his eyes are scanning the open page… you don’t think he’s even doing it to be invasive, it was like a muscle reflex because he immediately drops the journal and pops back up to look at you with judgemental eyes.
“T’fuck is that?” He snaps, brows pinched together tight. Joel takes a step back from you like you’re going to come at him or that the journal between the two of you might snap at his ankles or something. Journals don’t have teeth— okay..this one was pretty fucked up. Very reminiscent of the Jacob scribbles. You would have been worried too.
“I was supposed to burn it.” You whisper in complete and utter perplexity. How did that all happen so fucking fast? It took six seconds for that all to happen and you just stood there all bewildered.
“Fuckin’ burn that shit. What t’fuck, Bird? A murderer?” Joel is bewildered now. Nora is smiling at you from his chest and you are just staring at her because you cannot look him in the eyes. “Killing yourself everyday?” There is shock all within his words and dripping from his tongue. Unease fills his eyes. Like you didn’t tell him this. Like this wasn’t a conversation the two of you had before.
What the fuck Patti.
“You think that shit about me? About us– that we’re monsters n’ murderers? What else did it say?” Joel reaches for it and you reach for it at the same time. He’s quicker. He opens the page and scans it as he holds it up out of your reach. He gets to the last sentence of the first paragraph and drops the journal to his side. “Wow.” He’s still looking upwards like the journal was up there. It’s not. Just the ceiling.
The mix of emotions inside of you has your heart in several different parts of your body. You can feel it throbbing in your feet and hands. Your head and ears are pounding. Your mouth feels like it’s been glued together. You have no idea what to say or how to come back from that or how to fix this. This is unfixable.
Joel unwraps the baby from his chest and hands her to you. He doesn’t look at you, just walks back out the front door with your journal still in his hand. You don’t follow him because your feet have actually melded with the floor. You’re partly hardwood now. Just the feet and ankles mostly. You hear a heavy thud against the front door after a minute and then his footsteps on the stairs of the porch. Heavy. Angry.
Patti just went and fucked this all up. Fuck Patti. Fuck Joel. Fuck you, too. Really. This is all so fucking fucked.
You open the front door and look down. It’s the journal in the snow. Joel had thrown it at the door apparently. You grab it, open it and the page you had written is ripped out and Joel is in the front yard. He’s burning it for you the best he can in this storm.
“I wasn’t supposed to see this?” Joel mutters to you as he drops the quickly burning piece of paper once it catches fire.. You shake your head no silently. Joel walks up to you on the front porch. “Patti give you this idea?” He’s pissed, his mouth is tight and his words are short and harsh. You nod again.
Joel snorts and turns away from you.
“I’m sorry.” You whisper. “I dunn–” Joel spins around so fast it startles the sentence out of your brain.
“You say you dunno one more time– me n’ you are gonna have a real fuckin’ problem. Got’it?” He barks at you. You nod again with no words, they’ve been scared out of you. “Think. Stop bein’ fuckin’ stupid and talk to me. What t’fuck, Bird? You really think that shit? About yourself? I gotta lock you away so you don’t fuckin’ shoot yourself in the god damned head?”
You very much wish you were having this conversation inside. This is so embarrassing to be getting scolded outside your house you share with the man who is scolding you pretty loudly on the front porch while you hold your daughter. Humiliating.
“Can we go inside?” For some reason your body doesn’t wait for him to answer and you scamper back in before he can say no or yell at you again. You go and put Nora in her crib but Joel must think you’re trying to hide because he’s following you so closely you almost feel like you’re being chased.
Once Nora is in her crib with a toy, Joel has his hands around your upper arm and is pulling you back into the living room so you can’t slip into the bathroom and lock yourself in like you normally do when stuff like this happens.
“Talk.” He’s standing in front of the front door with his arms crossed. You could go for the back door, but with your leg, he would getchya. Shit. You can’t say you don’t know. He will be more mad. You speak slowly and quietly because you’re nervous and don’t know what to say.
“We talked… about some stuff… today. She… told–”
“Told you t’journal. Got that part. What did ya talk about?” He snaps. He speaks quickly and knows what he wants to say. Not fair. “You gonna kill y’self, Bird? Tell me right now.” He does not sound nice when he says it. Sounds angry. “One wife leaves. The other wants to fuckin’ off herself. I’m two for two. Should’a just left you t’fuck alone out there in those woods. Fuckin’ crazy.” He mutters while he shakes his head at you.
“Didn’t you actually try it?” You hiss at him. “I was never that far gone, Joel. So, fuck you.” The two of you stare at each other. He looks like he forgot that you were there when he told Ellie about that. That flash bomb really knocked everyone on their ass. “Oh yeah. I fuckin’ remember. You think that because I still have my kid that my feelings aren’t fucking valid?” You whisper to him. You’re shaking and he just continues to stare. “You forgot how hopeless it felt bein’ on both ends of that barrel?” You are trying to hurt him. It’s just coming out of you. Calling you crazy like he knows what you’re dealing with. You slip off the brand new ring he gave you– you still wear your old one. You put it very carefully in the pocket of his jacket. “Give this to me when you can fuckin’ talk to me correctly. I’m fucking dealin’ with shit, Joel. Fuck!” You turn to walk away but he grabs your upper arm again. You freeze but don’t turn back to him.
“I’m sor–” You snap your head back to look at him and rip your arm away from his hand. He stops and takes another step towards you. You take a step towards him and now your chests touch but not in a sexy way– it’s very intimidating. He’s glaring down at you.
“Change. Stop sayin’ sorry.” You glare right back up at him. “Least I’m tryin’. Not fuckin’ killin’ myself.”
You could hear a pin drop in the living room. Joel just breathes softly from his nose as he stares at you. His eyes dance all across your face. You hate him right now, but for some reason you push yourself up into your toes and at the same time he leans down. When your lips meet it’s not soft, it’s not nice. They mash together roughly, his teeth bump into your lips and it fucking hurts but you don’t care. His mouth is opening and you're parting your lips to meet his tongue halfway.
Joel wraps one hand around your throat– right under your jaw and pushes you back against the wall with a jolt. He squeezes your throat gently. You're pressed against the wall as he kisses you with big, angry, desperate kisses. His tongue is searching for something inside of you. You don’t know what it is, but he’s being thorough on his quest to find whatever it is he lost inside your mouth. You moan as he shoves his other strong hand down the front of your jeans. He doesn’t even bother unbuttoning them. His four flat fingers press up against your clit and he starts to strum with speed and pressure and force. It makes your knees buckle. You grip his wrist up near your chin and the other hand holds onto his shoulder for support.
“You are fuckin’ crazy.” Joel breathes into your mouth as he pulls away from the kiss. Your nails bite into the skin on his wrist. He hisses gently. You try to follow him but he is pinning you to the wall with his hand around your neck, squeezing tighter now slightly. The other hand feverishly moves across your clit as fast as he can, being trapped between your jeans and your stomach. “Fuckin’ naughty, crazy lil bitch. You really are. ” Joel pulls away from you even further to look down at you with your mouth still hanging open. Your lips are still slick and sheen with his saliva and your flushed pink with excitement. His eyes lock onto yours. “I fuckin’ love you though. You need me to fuck the crazy outta you, baby? Let Daddy try n’ help you.” He’s cooing the words down to you like they’re comforting pieces of advice. “Daddy’s gonna help you, baby. Make you feel good. Make you not fuckin’ worry ‘bout nothin’.” Joel whispers.
You’re panting because he is pushing you right up to that ledge– leading you right to the edge. “You wanna come?” He’s pointing now down to wherever the bottom of this ledge leads. You nod at him. “You really wanna come?” It’s like he’s dangling you off the ledge now by your shirt collar. You whimper out a pathetic sound and nod quickly. That feeling between your legs it’s going to hold off much longer. You’re about to just do it even though he hasn’t given you permission. Your eyes plead with him as he chuckles down at you. “Open.” You obey him and open your mouth. You see him, getting it ready for you as your legs start to shake trying to delay the inevitable. When Joel spits it lands on your bottom lip and tongue and your mouth hangs open like that as he whispers to you. “Come.” He lets go of your imaginary shirt collar and you are plunged into bliss.
You moan loudly and one of your knees gives out. Joel keeps his hand around your throat but presses his forearm against your chest, right between your tits to keep you pressed against the wall as he makes you finish. You gush, you feel it soak the down the legs of your jeans and you clench your eyes shut. “Open ‘em. Look’it me.” He hisses against your cheek. “Fuckin’ look at me,” He’s demanding.
Your orgasm is too fucking good, he’s puling more and more pleasure from you as he keeps thruming his fingers against you quickly. The pressure on your neck is gone, but it’s okay. Joel brings his now available four fingers across your left cheek. Not a hard slap. But it was loud enough and firm enough to jolt your eyes open to look at him. “Gooood fuckin’ girl.” Joel sounds like he’s mocking you gently as he ebbs you off your orgasm. Your knees buckle again as continues to move his fingers until you are sliding down the wall in front of him. “I know yer’sad. I’m sorry I can’t take it away for ya. I’ll do whatever I can though t’keep you around. Go change your pants, baby.”
Joel leaves and goes into the bedroom. You’re left in your gush-soaked jeans leaning against the wall of your living room. You guys were just fighting. Were you fighting? What was that? You hated him seven minutes ago. Hated him. Kissed him though. You are panting and your heart is still pounding. There is a term for what just happened but you don’t know it. Hate-come? A hate-orgasm? You don’t know. Something involving being brought to orgasm while you simultaneously love and hate your partner. Never done that before today.
Interesting. You’d do it again.
You scramble to your feet and he’s in the bathroom. The door is shut and you wonder what the hell he is doing in there. Why can he just lock himself in the bathroom? You change your pants and go into your daughter's room feeling guilty that she’s been in here all alone but she’s asleep. Like a perfect baby. She never even cried. You could cry right now at how blessed you are with such an incredible baby.
Joel.
You go to your room very quietly and sneak to the bathroom door. You wanna know if he’s jerking off in there without you. You press your ear to the door gently. It’s very quiet. Too quiet. The door opens inward quickly and you almost fall into the bathroom.
“Gotchya. ” Joel growls as you stumble directly into his chest.
“That’s so mean!” You exclaim into his shirt as he wraps his arms around you and kisses the top of your head.
“What? Makin’ you come so good when you were mad at me or catchin’ you eavesdroppin’ on me? Whatchyou think I was doin’ in there? Touchin’ myself?” Joel’s smile is audible even though you can’t see it because you refuse to take your face away from his chest. He is right. About both things. And you’re embarrassed that he saw your journal. No one was supposed to see it. That was the point. Deepest darkest fears and secrets burned away before eyes could see them and judge you for it.
You groan uncomfortably against his strong chest.
“I hate feeling like this. Hopeless.” You whine. Joel squeezes you tighter, keeps his lips pressed to your hair.
“I know, Birdie. I know. I’m such a fuckin’ dick sometimes…” He trails off but he has more to say, you dunno why he is hesitant. Takes him a minute to pick back up. “‘Cause I’m scared.” He whispers it. “I don't run away from a fight. I fight. I can’t fight you. I can’t run away from you, either. Resort to bein’ mean. I’mma change. I will. I’ll be better. I am sorry for callin’ you crazy when I wasn’t touchin’ you. I been where you are. I do know that hopeless feelin’. It’s not good, Birdie. S’why I’m scared.” Joel is soft and warm and comforting when he speaks these words to you.
“Okay.” Is all you’re able to say like an asshole. It’s fine. You just can’t think about anything and you wish you could not be a person for ten minutes. Just a spec of dust or maybe a rabid animal so you could go absolutely fucking crazy. Just for ten minutes. Then you think you’d be okay. “I’m sorry. For all those things I wrote—”
Joel shushes you. They are long and quiet and he rubs his hands across your back and shoulders gently.
“I wasn’t supposed to see’em.” He whispers.
“But you did. You saw’em.” You weep into his chest quietly because he wasn’t supposed to see them.
“Didn’t call me a liar in there.” He whispers again and you melt against him. How is he so forgiving? Why? “Didn’t really say nothin’ about me that wasn’t true. Just that all we’re good at is fuckin’ n killin’. We’re better at more than just that.” He sighs and leans himself against the bathroom wall. He takes all of your weight as you lean into him because why is life so hard? When did this all happen? “Your real good at makin’ that baby in there fat n’ happy. She loves you so damn much, Bird. Looks at you with amazement in her lil eyes. I love watchin’ you with her. S’like you’re a natural.”
His words are kind. Soothing. Making you feel slightly better but there is something in your brain. Can’t figure out where exactly. It’s like something is picking away at something in there. Scratching at something deep in a cortex or whatever. Somewhere hidden.
Ellie is gonna leave. You have to put on a brave face for Connie’s wedding in a couple of days and everything in your life feels like a roller-coaster. Up and down and throwing you through these fast spinning loops. Never stops. You want to be on a lazy river. Floating. Weightless– instead there’s four thousand pounds of pressure on your chest at all times.
Only time you seem to forget about it is when Joel makes you fucking come.
What the fuck is going on in your brain, Biride-girl?
“He freakin’ read all the terrible things I wrote down, Patricia.” You snap as you sit down in the chair across from her. “All of ‘em. Didn’t even mean to either. Just did it on accident. Couldn’t stop his big stupid eyes from readin’ it.” You leer at her. “Almost cost me my marriage!”
“I’m so sorry. Did you two argue badly?” Patti seems genuinely sorry. She is a nice woman and you are in her house yelling at her for something dumb.
“Yes. And then he gave me a good hate orgasm.” You huff and look out her window.
“I’m not really sure I know what a hate orgasm is.” Patti is not impressed with you half the time. Most of the time it sounds like she is concerned for Nora and what her parents do in the bedroom.
“When they make you come but you are mad at them and kind of hate them a little.” You nod your head once at her.
“A hate fuck?”
“What!? How do you know what the hell the name for that is?” You look Patti up and down and she chuckles.
“I had two kids. Did you forget that?” She smiles at you so nicely like she didn’t lose her two kids and only grandson to the outbreak.
“No. I didn’t. I just don’t picture you getting railed, Patti. Lovingly or hatefully. Respectfully I just don’t.” You blink at her.
“You make me picture your sex life every-damn-time you are in here. Respectfully.” The sweet smile never leaves Patti’s face. She is a trip and you love the shit out of this woman.
“I’m sorry.” You sigh and sink back into the hair. “Patti, I’m gonna talk about my sex life again and I’m real sorry.”
“I expect it, don’t be sorry.” She sits back and crosses her hands in her lap. “A hate fuck. Your first one? Confusing isn’t it?”
“Yes!” You exclaim. “So confusing. We didn’t even fuck he just rubbed one right out of me.” You shake your head slightly at the memory. So good. “I wanted it! I kissed him right after I brought up his attempted suicide! What!? Who does that?” You are kind of disgusted with you and Joel.
“You and your husband apparently– it was consensual and good. Next question… did it solve the issue or was it used as a distraction from the problem?” She leans in excited for your answer. You don’t know what to say. “What was the fight about? He saw your journal and didn’t like what he saw?” You nod silently. “Was he mean to you?”
“Yelled at me outside our house in the snow. Brought up his ex-wife who he has spoken about one time said ‘ two for two’ or some dumb shit like that. Said I wanted to off myself and called me crazy.” You sigh. It’s very mean when you repeat it out loud.
“Your response?” She is waiting… You roll your eyes and pick at the skin around your thumbnail.
“I threw the time he unsuccessfully tried to shoot himself because he was sad about his daughter dying during the outbreak right back in his face.” You say it dully because you know it was very mean to do that. “I asked if he thought because I still had Nora that it meant the way I felt wasn’t valid? I gave him the new wedding ring he gave me. He still hasn’t given it back. I haven’t brought it up.” You pause and look up for her for a moment when she doesn’t say anything. She is leaning in very closely and when she sees you waiting for her to say something she sits back in the chair exasperatedly.
“Okay just tell me everything that he said. I can’t help if you don’t tell me the whole story. The whole thing. Tell me about what happened until you came here today. Goodness gracious. We do this everytime.” She snaps at you to keep it rolling. You like it because why are you hesitating?
“And then he made me come, Patricia! And then he caught me trying to listen to him come like an ass! And then he said nice things to me and told me he would change. He is much nicer and more enjoyable since he started seeing Don. Thank you very much. Is that what you wanted, Patti?” You blink at her.
“Don used to make me come.” She raises one eyebrow at you knowingly. You are horrified. Your face says it. She pinches her brows and points at you. “That’s how I feel! You can say be intimate. So comfortable with me like you pay me,” She looks out the window and smirks at you sideways. "It sounds like you two fought, were intimate and then came to a solution. You both just need to follow through." She smiles nicely at you now with her kind sweet eyes.
“Thanks, Patti. For talking to me that day in the market.” You whisper it to her. “I don’t think I’d be here if it wasn’t for you.”
Notes:
^ i'll slap the shit out of this man if I ever see him. he better watch out
also, I'm hesitant about that sex scene in the middle. I've read through it seven thousand times and I don't know if joel comes across as too toxic or if I just like my men to be mean to me. I had mixed feelings the whole time so let me know if I should change it to make it less toxic if I need too.
GUYS. GUYS. GUYS. GUYS.
How did you all feel about that?
this has been my most awaited chapter! Mostly because FUCK HER DAD BRO.
Chapter 22: Moss Covers All
Summary:
Joel talks to Don. You have a silly night with him.
Connie's Wedding finally arrives.
Notes:
Strap the fuck in y'all, issa long one and I apologize. get ur snackies ready
TW: for therapy talk. I'm not really sure what triggers people but mentions of suicide and DV
moss covers all- knocked loose
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Joel normally would be out on the porch smokin’ but you were at the market and the weather was still bad so he was home with Nora. Lookin’ at her was one of the few things that woke Joel up in the morning. Nora was always so excited to see him. Not mad. Only time she yelled at him was when Joel would hold her right arm up and bite at her armpit. She wasn’t even really yelling at him then, just squealing at him in joy. Joel loved her so achingly much.
The struggle that he and you had gone through when y’all first came home runs through his head. What you went through to get Nora. You were strong. Perfect. A good mom despite what you might think.
Joel isn’t mad at Ellie. He understands. He wishes he could go back everyday and just tell her something different. Just tell her the truth about what happened at the hospital. Joel was just too nervous that Ellie was going to say turn around and take me back. Then it really would have been kidnapping. Joel was not going to take her back. He struggled with the fact that he just let Ellie leave. Didn’t even chase after her. He should have. Should have ran out in what he had on, scooped her up and carried her home like he carried her out of the hospital. He thinks about a conversation he had with her while you were dying in the car on the way here.
“Hey, I know you like her. I’m sorry.” Ellie whispers from the backseat. Joel cannot even listen to her say those things because it’s an admission that Joel got you killed.
“S”obvious?” Joel looks at Ellie through the rear view mirror. Ellie’s reflection nods back to him. “Damn. I didn’t want her to know I liked her.” Joel does anything to try and lighten the mood. You cough softly in the passenger’s seat.
“She knew. She fuckin’ likes you too, idiot. Are you kiddin’ me?” Ellie’s reflection isn’t looking back at Joel, she is looking down at you. Ellie’s eyes look scared. Makes Joel look scared. He is scared to look at you. “Think she came all the way to Salt Lake just for whatever you suck away for in the middle of the night? Yeah right.” Ellie rolls her eyes and it makes Joel smirk in his sadness.
“She tell you that she likes me?” Joel’s heart is fluttering in his chest. Joel knows you do, he’s not fucking dumb. You give him the cutest fuckin’ doe eyes when you look at him, the way you flirt with Joel gives him butterflies like he’s a kid again or something.
“Didn’t have to tell me. It’s also obvious. Batting her eyelashes at you. Sometimes in the beginning I thought of askin’ if she wanted to switch horses with me so she could ride with you. I didn’t like her enough though, then.” Ellie looks down at you again and has tears in her eyes. “I should have just let her ride behind you. One time.” A tear falls from her eyes as she brushes hair away from your face. “Just once. Never would’a killed me. She would have loved it.”
Joel realizes what he’s done. The position he put you in by asking you to lie to Ellie. Then he let you go tell her the truth. Alone.
The idea of having to stare into Ellie's eyes the way you did filled him with fear. Joel had only known fear like that a handful of times in his life and almost all of the other times someone has been dying or had just died in his arms. Not starting a little girl right in the face listening to her call him all these terrible things. Eatin’ him up that he didn’t do more to make her stay.
Joel wraps that cute little baby up to his chest like he does because he knows he is a good dad. Joel puts his winter jacket on and buttons it up to right under Nora’s chin and pops a hat on both of them.
“Ready Babybird?”Joel looks down at the baby who is waiting for him to open the front door. Her little legs are kicking wildly underneath Joel’s jacket and she’s shrieking like she is excited to go out into the snow. “More ready than I am.” Joel opens the door and Nora lets out an excited shriek as Joel takes a step outside. “Never met a baby so happy to be out in the snow. Is it ‘cause you were born out here?” Joel walks down the driveway, talking to the tiny child his jacket like she might speak back. “I think it is. It was nothin’ like this when you were born.” Joel murmurs. “It was nice out. Hot. I was sweatin’ and sticky.” Joel holds his hand to Nora's stomach through his jacket as he walks. “Nothin like this shit. Damn.”
Joel just wants to see Don. Talk about the fight and the sex and the what the fuck? His wife wants to fucking kill herself? Jesus Christ. Gave him her new ring back? What an ass he is.
Shit.
“She is a cute one,” Don smiles kindly at the baby wrapped to Joel’s chest. “Is bringing her going to be a normal thing?” Joel sighs and sits down after he hangs his jacket up.
“Nah. Wife was at the market and busy yesterday. I’m sorry I know—” Joel is apologizing because he doesn’t know why. It’s just something he thinks he should do but Don cuts him off.
“Bring her over more often if you’d like. You seem happier with her here, opened up a little more about Sarah yesterday than you ever have before. I think you feel safer with Nora around. Bring her if you feel safer. Open up. It can’t hurt.” Don explains as Joel sets her down on Don’s clean floor. The baby crawls right over to Don and pulls herself into a standing position using Don’s pants. “That’s a first.” Joel is impressed with his strong youngest daughter. Very proud.
“Good for her. She’s determined.” Don hands her an old TV remote. Nora holds in one hand, the other is gripping onto Don’s pant leg for dear life as she wobbles and wavers back and forth. She puts the remote directly into her mouth and growls as she bites down on it with her– what Joel and you assume– teething and uncomfortable gums. “Aggressive.” Don looks at Joel over his glasses with a smile. “She’s cute. Bring her whenever. I like having her around.”
“You ever have kids?” Joel asks but he doesn’t know why. He never asks Don about himself.
“No. I was never married. Focused on my schooling and then eventually my career. In my youth I thought that I’d have plenty of time to get married.” Don takes one of Nora's ringlets and pulls it up gently to see how long it is without the curl to it. “Long hair. Looks like yours.”
“Had all that hair since the night she was born. S’what I was told.” Joel blabbers that piece of information out like an asshole.
“You were gone the night she was born, I remember.” Don is still watching Nora with kind, fond eyes. Don reminds Joel of his dad. In the best sense. His dad was a good man, hard-ass but he forced a good work ethic on Tommy and Joel. Wasn’t always the most patient. Could be mean too but at the end of the day, Wyatt Miller made sure both his boys knew how much he cared for them. Told them all the time.
“I didn’t hold her or look at her for five days.” Joel whispers, ashamed. “So hard to even think about lookin’ at her when I didn’t know if Bird was going to make it.” Joel can’t look at Don, only Nora who falls down hard on her butt and looks around confused. “I hate myself for that sometimes. My eldest had to step up and take care of her for those five days. And then for the last three months.” Joel stares at Nora as she babbles. She catches his eyes and gives Joel a wide, happy gummy smile. She crinkles her nose up at him and squints her eyes. Joel would lay his life down for his girls. ‘Specially this one. She still liked him.
“Ellie fuckin’ hates my guts. I’ll probably never see her again. Bird’ll probably never see her again ‘cause of me. Nora won’t get to know her only sibling because of me. I gotta lot to hate myself for, but that is the worst. Takin’ away their relationship.” Joel sighs and could cry but he won’t cry in front of Don. No. Joel isn’t that too far gone.
“Can I be real with you?” Don sighs and now Joel might cry, fuck.
“Yeah.”
“I watched Patti grieve the loss of her family while we hid in the country. She cried for years.” Don admits quietly. “I did the best I could to help her but she just wanted to be sad. Miss them. Remember them in the best way.” Don leans over and picks Nora up under her arms and sets her down on his knee. “Until it got dark and then all her fears and regrets of motherhood would come to her in the quiet.”
“Okay.” Joel is enchanted right now.
“Regrets never go away. Patti says that the hardest part about being a parent is you forget the best memories and the bad ones brand themselves into your subconscious. You can do ninety-nine things right. Perfectly. You remember the one time you screwed up.” Don tickles the baby's belly gently and makes her giggle. This makes the corners of Joel’s mouth turn up slightly. “She’ll remember all the good times. Ellie will too eventually.”
Mother fucking Don! Joel hates Don for making his eyes misty.
“Think about you at fifteen. You probably hated your dad for something then, too.” Don nods at Joel now and shrugs his shoulders. “Good parents are good parents. Regardless of how well you think you are doing… Ellie is still alive. You said she liked being on the road with you. You said she came to say goodbye yesterday. You said she said she cares. If she hates you… she wouldn’t have said goodbye. She wouldn’t have told you she cares. She would have just left.”
Joel is trying so fucking hard not to blink because if he cries in front of his therapist…. He’s going to beat the shit out of him in front of Nora and tell her that’s how a man handles his issues. Joel’s eyes blink and his blink betrays him. The singular tear falls. Just the one stupid drop as he flicks his eyes between Don’s face and Nora in his lap. Joel sits in his chair and says nothing.
“I know it is hard now. It probably will be hard for a long time if you do not see her again– I’m not saying that’s the case but I like to be realistic on all fronts– but Ellie will be out there remembering the good times with you because you were there to create them with her.” Don’s works soothe something in Joel.
Joel takes a breath in for the first time in a minute and thirty seconds like he was a professional free-diver. He is panting for air now as Don purposefully ignores him and plays with his daughter nicely. Joel watches and wonders what kind of memories can he make with Nora behind these walls.
"My wife is suicidal." Joel admits sadly. "Saw it in a journal your lil girlfriend told her to write in." Joel is mad at Don for making him cry. So he can be an asshole for two seconds.
"My little girlfriend tells me, says she worry's for her. She wanted me to bring it up to you if you didn't bring it up to me." Don speaks while continuing to play with his daughter. "What are you doing about it?" Don does move his attention to Joel now.
"Apparently bein' an asshole to her." Joel averts his gaze now because he feels bad for what he said to you. "Through my own attempt in my face right after so I must be rubbin' off on her real good. Can't wait for our arguments in a couple years when she isn't afraid to put her hands on me. Terrifies me."
"Is that most of your arguments? You being an asshole?" Don asks bluntly. I mean, why would he not think that? Look at Joel. He looks like an asshole half the time. Can't blame I'm for asking, Joel just called himself one.
"No. Not really." Joel is honestly. "Most of the time I turn into an ass when what we're talkin' 'bout makes me wanna leave. Go to the bar, get drunk. Gotta wife that wants to die? I need a drink. I can't do that though. I'm also not leavin' her sad ass home to come home to a fuckin' mess I have to burn down. No way. So I stay and I end up being a dick. I end up being the bad guy." Joel is growling and both Don and Nora are blinking at him. "You know what that journal said? I'mma tell ya. First line talking about killin' both her parents. I only know about her mom. What the fuck? She wants to kill herself every day? Thinks me n her are monsters. Thinks both our daughters are gonna hate us. She fuckin' admitted in there that she was scared during our first time?" Joel chuckles in disappointment and averts his eyes. "Said she loved it but that was my biggest fear." Joel also wants to die.
"It was her first time. Whether you knew it or not- it's not information she ever had to share with her and her feelings on the matter shouldn't really affect you unless she wanted them to. I know you weren't supposed to see those entries. It's a coping method for people who suffer with trauma disorders. Innocent stuff. Deepest darkest secrets." Don speaks and Joel doesn't want to get it, but he does. "If Bird didn't enjoy herself the first time and was that scare of you... why did she ask to see you four days later? She had been fine for you say twenty years. You obviously did something right that day- not to boost your ego too much." Don smiles at Joel softly. "You think you kidnapped her but she had a choice. She didn't have to keep showing up."
I keep coming back, don't I?
Your cute, perfect face looked up at Joel and you were still all red and sweaty from gettin' fucked. That night was the first night that Joel ever got to put his cock in your ass even if it was only for a minute and only the tip. He will never tell you this but for the next four nights he jerked off thinking about it until he saw you again. The next time he saw you was the first time he ever really saw you naked. He got too flustered to even remember your ass that night! With your perfect tits he had never bothered to ask to see before. Big-Dumb-Guy. Joel did everything in his power to play it cool and not lose his cool but when he was inside you, all he could think about was hoping you said yes to the question he was about to ask you. He was so nervous because he didn't want you to say no, but also couldn't understand why. You were cute and nice but you weren't his forever back then but now he knows why he was fuckin' nervous. Knew it a while ago too. 'Cause he fuckin' cared about you. Walking through the woods for pussy when there was willing pussy back in the colony. Nah, Joel wanted you.
Would have walked further for it too if he had to, honestly.
Nora starts to cry and fuss and Joel knows it's time for her nap. She's probably hungry. Joel reaches for her and Don hands her over.
"I know your friends wedding is tomorrow, but come back the next day so we can talk about your anger. I'd like to discuss that a little more when you have time." Don is looking at Joel over his glasses and he doesn't like it.
"Yeah. I'll be here in two days."
Joel did not want to go back. The way Don had said that made him nervous like there might be something actually wrong with Joel.
“Wedding is tomorrow.” Joel smirks at you as he hands you the joint between his fingers later that evening. You take it from him and nod mindlessly. “You excited?” Joel is in a good mood tonight which is much needed and appreciated and distracting.
Despite all of the shit going on in your head… with all this things to help you... yoga and meditation. (You're never touching another piece of paper and pen together as long as you live- let's be honest). It feels like your color is coming back? Like there is life inside of you again… not a whole real life but like the residue of one. The little tiny bits left over on the jars of jam. It felt good. You dunno, you don't expect it to last long
“Heellllooo. Earth to Birdie-girl. You still with me?” Joel is waving his hand in front of your face and it makes you jump. “Jesus. Don’t just stare out in the street like that! Makin’ me all fuckin’ paranoid– got my hand on my gun like you see a threat out there or somethin’.” Joel is laughing as he takes the joint you’re just holding up to your mouth.
“Where is there a threat?” You look over at him with nervous eyes. Joel shakes his head softly and has to relight that 'makes-you-stupid-cigarette' again because you let it go out, hit it one time then held on to it for four minutes close to your mouth. Dumb.
“There ain’t one– you were just staring into space like you saw somethin’ terrifyin’. Made me nervous.” Joel rubs your inner thigh with his hand as he smokes. He pulled you out into his lap when you came to smoke with him. “Fuckin’ hilarious, Bird.” He smiles up at you and scans your face with those big dumb eyes he’s got.
“Good, it’s about time I made you paranoid for once while you were high. Ha ha got you back, finally.” You snark at him with playfulness in your tone but you do snap.
“Oh fine. You can have that, but quit actin’ like yer’tough. You ain’t tough. Yer’soft.” Joel snarks back in the same exact tone.
“I am not! I am super tough! Are you kidding me?” You’re highly offended by this. Joel sees the offence in your eyes and smirks to himself. His hand still strokes your inner thigh gently.
“So fuckin’ soft, Bird. Dunno how you’d make it out here without me.” Joel smirks at you now, but you’re too fuckin’ high to notice! “So soft.” He draws it out real slow.
“You’re soft.” You snap, poking his stomach. Joel flicks his eyebrows up at you once and teases his bottom lip wit his tongue. His eyes narrow on yours.
“You love it. I see the way you fuckin’ look at me. You ever wonder why I started walkin’ ‘round with no shirt on? S'all for you, Birdie-girl.” He speaks slowly and with his stupid country accent. Idiot.
“Shut up.” Is all you can come up with. There is an attempt for it to sound nasty and with squinted eyes but they’re already almost closed and the words just come out real soft and quiet.
“Told ya.” Joel stares at you and you watch his tongue dance along the inside of his bottom lip. He hypnotizes you this way! He does magic with that tongue! You’ve experienced it first hand! Look away or he wins! You avert your eyes and pretend to be interested in the porch suddenly. “Look’it me, baby.” He whispers it so softly and the words somehow turn your head and make your eyes look at him. “Told ya.” He’s smiling so satisfied right now.
“Oh, fuck off. You think because you’re so handsome that you can just say whatever you want to me?” You leer at him. Joel nods silently again, a little smirk on his lips as he watches your mouth move when you speak. “Well you can’t. Call me soft. Say I’m not tough. You can eat my ass.” You flick your head away from his perfect fucking face and huff softly. Joel doesn’t say anything.
What is he doing over there? Being so damn quiet. You wish you knew but you closed your eyes and turned your face away from him because that is the only way that you can not succeed to him. Not even in your body numbingly strange high. No crazy thoughts or paranoia? Just good body feelings? You feel so warm and fuzzy and… soft. What is that sonofabitch doing over there? It’s been so long and he still hasn’t said anything! You snap your head back to him and he is waiting for you.
“Told you.” He says it real slow and very articulated. “You love this hard cock. Love my soft belly or whatever you’d fuckin’ call it.” He leans in real close until his lips are almost touching his. He has stolen all of your thoughts again. All words. “Love my warm, wet tongue on your perfect fuckin’ cunt.” He’s breathing the words into your hanging open mouth. “I can say yer’soft. ‘Cause you are. The inside of your pussy is so fucking glorious and velvety soft, babygirl. I’d fucking lick...and suck... on your perfect...puffy lips all…damn…day.” He kisses you very gently and then leans back in the chair. “You hungry? Wanna go get some snacks?”
You are staring at him looking a little stupid, not gonna lie. Your mouth is hung open and you got big. You got big dumb eyes on, oogling him because excuse you? What did he say about the inside of you? You’re leaking right now in his lap and he’s talking about snacks? You almost got drool coming out of your mouth. You snap your mouth shut and sigh softly.
“Yeah…” You breathe it out to him dreamily.
Now- somehow- you have both hands on the counter in the kitchen and you are fuckin’ naked as the day you were born. Joel is behind you, both hands on your cheeks– pulling you apart so that he can push his tongue deeper into your asshole. He pulls it from inside of you and barks an order at you from his knees which is hilarious to you but you’re so overcome with sheer pleasure you cannot laugh.
“Bend th’fuck over, Bird. Jesus.” He pulls your hips away from the counter with some force and kicks your feet apart with his knees. “There we go.” You listen to Joel suck his fucking mouth together to do what he’s really best at which is spitting. He does it very noisily and twice before he’s spreading it around your hole and pushing it inside of you with his tongue.
“Shut the fuck up, oh my god!” You exclaim back to him quietly.
You have to try so fucking hard to keep your knees straight because this is amazing. His tongue really is so warm and wet— and fucking strong . Joel is pushing his tongue into you with force and swirling it around inside. You are a mess up by the sink. Choking back sobs of the most intense and incredible feeling that is taking you literally no where. There is no destination with this pleasure. You’re simply along for a ride around the block. You are happy to fucking be here though.
“Oh you are fucking naughty, aint’cya, lil bitch?” Joel withdraws his tongue just long enough to say that before he’s thrusting it back inside of you. You drop your elbow onto the counter and let your head fall forward because he’s right. You are naughty and you are being a bitch. Abruptly, Joel is no longer giving you this obscene pleasure and he’s behind you. “Put your foot right here,” Joel taps the counter with his fingers. He’s panting and biting at your shoulder hungrily. You look over your shoulder at him and blink.
“How do you expect me to do that ?” You snap at him.. He wants you to put your foot up on the counter like you are a gymnast. Joel growls at you like he is frustrated he bends over, grabs you by one ankle and hikes your leg up to where he wanted it. He steadies you with one hand on the hips and grunts at you as he places himself at your entrance.
“Fuckin’ brat.” Joel murmurs as he drives himself forward and up into you sharply. This new angle opens you up to him completely different than you ever have been. You push yourself up onto the tippy-toes of the foot that are still on the floor and arch your back down towards the floor. “Jesus fucking Christ, Bird. You’re so fuckin’ sexy.” He gives your ass a hard slap. It stings and burns as he grips your hair with one hand. “You a lil brat? Huh? I gotta do everything for the princess?” He mocks you softly from behind.
“Fuck you.” You whimper quietly as he pushes himself into you. You drop back down from your toes onto the flat of your foot while he's thrusting upwards and he hits you deep. Deeper than he’s ever been before and it makes you squeak. A literal squeak comes out of you as the head of his cock greets your cervix. “Shit.” You hiss quietly. It doesn’t hurt but it was a jolt of something. Made lights flash behind your eyes.
“Oh, did the brat get her spot touched? Got you squeakin’?” Joel pulls himself from inside you again and taps your foot off the counter. “Spin ‘round.” He growls. You don’t know why he says anything, he’s already doing it for you. His hands on your hips and he makes you face him. “Hi.” He winks at you as he lifts you easily and sets you on the counter. “Spread.” He demands as he pulls you towards the edge.
“You’re a fuckin’ ass.” You mumble, straining your neck so you can watch as he slips it inside of you. He sees you trying to look and covers your eyes with one of his hands. You twist your head wildly but he holds his hand tight as he slides the head of his cock up and down your slit teasingly. He’s laughing and honestly so are you. “Lemme see.” You whine as he teases you and pushes the tip in and then pulls it back out quickly. Joel parts his fingers so you can see only his face.
“No.” Then he snaps his fingers shut and drives his hips forwards into you again. Now he pulls his hands away. “Look, Bird. Look’it this hard fuckin’ cock inside you.” He moans softly. You sit up on your elbow and watch as his cock disappears into you. You’ve never seen it at this angle before. You can see how he glistens with your slickness as he pulls himself from inside you. He moves slower so you can really see. “You like watchin’?” Joel pants down to you as he takes either one of your ankles in his hands. “S’all for you, Birdie. This hard cock, s’all yours.” He lifts your ankles and spreads them apart. You lay back on the counter and moan quietly as he moves against that good spot inside you. “Fuckin’ hell, Birdie. Your pussy is pretty.” He licks his bottom lip as he looks down at where your hips meet.
“Your cock is so fucking perfect.” You whimper and clench your walls around him in gratitude for what he’s doing to you. Joel growls deep in his throat and flicks his eyes back up to yours.
“Keep talkin’ ‘bout my cock.” He whispers to you. He smirks and drops his eyes back down to where he’s entering you. You love this. He’s moving his hips lazily, no real rhythm or meaning but there is force behind each one and it makes you gasp softly when he does it.
“So fuckin’ big.” You whimper as your hips start to move in a small circle while he thrusts inside you. “Makes me come so good.” You’re panting because even though he’s not trying to make you come he is going to anyway. “Can I?” You reach for his shoulder but he’s too far away. He notices, leans closer to you so that you can grab him.
“You wanna come on his big fuckin’ dick, babygirl?” Now he’s slamming into you. Driving his hips into yours quickly and with so much force you're being pushed backwards on the counter. ‘Where y’think yer’goin’?” Joel throws you right ankle up on your shoulder and pulls you back to the edge of the counter by your thigh. “Get th’fuck back here.” He growls. Like you’re trying to run away from him or the incredible feeling he is giving you. “Come. Come on me right now, baby.” Joel is close too, you can hear it in his harsh, breathy demands. “Gonna come too.” He sighs as his thrusts get more sloppy. Doesn’t matter to you. You came before he told you too, right before. You clench your muscles around his cock and squeeze him while he is inside you.
“Fuck. Fuck. Oh god yes…” You close your eyes and let your head fall back as Joel grips the top of your thigh. “Oh, is the big dumb guy gonna come?” You mock him through your own orgasm. Joel snaps his eyes to yours. “You gonna come for me? Come deep inside my cunt. Do it. Come.” You demand him now with serious eyes and a firm tone.
You snap something inside of him when you say that. He thrust into you once more, holds himself against you tightly and makes no sound when he comes. He closes his eyes and sighs quietly as you feel him throb and release inside of you. He holds himself flush against you like that, panting softly. Not saying a word.
Joel stays inside even after he is finished.
“Sonoabitch!” He exclaims suddenly, it makes you jump because he had just been so quiet and you were nervous you crossed a line. “I had a couple pumps left in me but when you told– ordered me to come it’s like you fuckin’ put a spell on me or somethin’.” Joel is chuckling while still inside of you.
You look around and are confused.
“How did we get in the kitchen?” You do not remember coming in here for anything.
“We got the munchies… remember?” He has a goofy smile on his face. You stare at him suspiciously like he might be lying to you. “We been smokin’ outside for the last fort-five minutes….you don’t remember?” He tilts his head to the side.
“We’re high right now?” You are looking at him with the heaviest eyelids in the whole world. “I’m not high. I feel amazing.” You are still half laying on the counter looking at Joel with real suspicion.. “Not high.” You confirm this in your head.
“Go look’it yer’self in the mirror. Go right now– I’ll come with you.” Joel picks you up off the counter and sets you down on the floor and follows you into the bathroom. You march there because there is no way you are high.
The bathroom mirror tells you a very different story. You can’t even see your eyes, your lids are so hooded. Whatever parts of your eye you can see are bloodshot.
“Oh my god. I’m high.” You look up at him with panic but he is not where he normally would be when you look up at him. He’s hunched over laughing. “What!?” You are suddenly panicked. He laughs harder. So hard he can barely breath.
“Biiiiiirdie.” He wheezes it out. “Stop. Your t’much.” He whines as he stands up straight. He wipes his eyes and looks down at you and starts laughing again. “Stop lookin’ so fretful. Nothin’ is wrong. We’re safe. Nora is sa–”
“Nora!? She’s here?” Pure panic floods your soul
Joel starts laughing again and nods.
“We gave her a bath and put her to bed together like an hour and a half ago.” He is cracking up. “C’mon, baby. Lemme put you to bed. Why’d you smoke so damn much?” He’s chuckling still as he leads you by the hand the ten steps it takes you to get to your bed.
“I didn’t!” You exclaim in paranoid fear. “I smoked as much as you did.” You say accusingly.
“I smoke a lot, B.” Joel kisses your forehead as he crawls over you. He pulls the blankets up over the two of you. “I love you. Thanks for hangin’ out with me tonight. I needed t’laugh with you.” He kisses the nape of your neck gently as he pulls you into him by the waist.
“I love you.” You whisper into the dark.
“I love you more.”
Normally you’d be freaking the fuck out right now. Heart racing and breathing on manual but not tonight. No…tonight you felt giggly and funny and you guys had good sex in the kitchen. Real good. Dunno why you were so mean to him during but he seemed to like it. Also helped you forget for what– thirty minutes about how sad you were. It’s back. It’s just as strong as it was the night she left the house.
It’s not getting easier. You’re just learning to live around that giant hole in your heart. Connie’s wedding is tomorrow You are excited for that. See Connie get the man she deserves. Lucas loves her. You’re happy for Connie.
“She’s gonna be here today.” Connie whispers to you as you enter the townhall for her wedding. Joel and Lucas and all the guys are at your house getting ready.
“Who?” You wrinkle your brows at her in question.
“El. She wanted me to tell you. Doesn’t wanna talk to Joel though. Wants to say goodbye. She’s leavin’ right after we say I do.” Connie has tears in her eyes and you feel terrible she has to relay this message on her wedding day. “I talked her into stayin’. Said I wanted her here and she told me how everything went down that night. I told her you’d wanna better goodbye.” Connie’s chin is quivering. “You deserve it. You didn’t ask for the struggles your goin’ through. You just wanted a family. She doesn’t get that.”
“Connie…” Is all you can say because you have fuckin tears in your eyes.
“We don’t gotta talk about it! I don’t wanna be all weepy before my big day but I told her I would tell you. We just both been busy or Joel’s around.” She sighs.
You help Connie get ready for her big day. It’s nothing special. You are all wearing jeans and flannel shirts. They are just your nicests, sunday worship clothes. She says she wants a couple minutes alone before everything happens. People are sitting and music is playing.
You are limping. Limping so hard to find a piece of paper and pen before this fucking ceremony begins and you have to go walk down the aisle with Joel in jeans like a fuckin’ asshole Okay.
You really find some. Your heart was sweating because you didn’t think you’d find a forsaken pen in this place!
You write her a note and you hope that she remembers. You draw a circle on an envelope sized scrap of paper and inside you write “The Whole World” with a small heart underneath with MB+E written neatly inside it. You cannot give Ellie the whole world like you said you would before her fifteenth birthday. You just want her to know that you remember. Everything. You scribble down at the bottom below the circle
I am my own worst obstacle. You are the hardest distance. I’ll never stop fighting. Never. I’ll fight for you forever, Squeaker. I love you. I’ll never, ever stop being YOUR mamabird.
You try and not get your stupid tears all over it and ruin it and get it all wet before you can even hopefully see her and give it to her before she leaves.
Limping. Limping so fast. Limping because you cannot run. Joel looks panicked when you turn the corner and waves you over quickly.
“S’almost our turn.” He hisses at you through clenched teeth. You think he is so perfect for being so concerned about Lucas’ big day.
“I made it didn’t I?” You snappily hiss right back at him. He takes your hand in his and squeezes it gently. Nora is strapped to your back. Hootin’ and hollerin. Connie insisted she didn’t care and wanted her here.
“Ready?”
The ceremony is incredible and you cry the whole fucking time. You’re waiting for everyone to leave this one room so you can herd everyone into another fuckin’ room to party. This is your job.
“Pst.”
Your head whips around and she’s hidden behind the corner waving at you with her small hands. They’re such small hands you wonder how she is going to protect herself out there in that big world. You abandon your post at being a human sheppard and walk to her slowly. You heart… you already know. Pounding. You smile at her tenderly. You reach for her and are shaking like a leaf.
“I didn’t think I’d get to see you again.” You whisper into her hair as you take her into a hug. She hesitates and goes still for one second and then she melts— her whole body relaxes into you and she very gently wraps her arms around your chest and back, bringing Nora into the hug too.
Then you hear the loudest sound you have ever heard. It’s louder than that fucking flash-bang. You and Ellie stumble because the whole building shakes and rumbles under your feet. You both pull away and look at eachother with confused eyes.
“What was that?” She asks, grabbing your hand. As she leads you down the stairs to the front door seven consecutive booms in a giant circle… like the shape of the wall you live behind go off in rapid succession. You hear them all around you. Your heart drops into your asshole and you close your eyes because there is no fucking way that this is happening.
No. Fucking. Way
You swallow hard as Ellie drags you outside. There is smoke billowing from every direction and fire. Big giant walls of flames in certain parts of the wall. You snap your head towards the gate and there are people pouring in from the outside. You are panic stricken. You can barely breath. You snap your head to Ellie and think.
Joel is down in the basement getting things ready for this reception with Lucas. You cannot keep Nora. You need her off your back right now. You drag Ellie back inside and drag her into the ceremony hall and start pulling at the wrap around your chest. Ellie helps you and she takes Nora off her back.
“Take her to Joel?” She is panicked too. You shake your head and push Nora against her chest gently. You start wapping her up around Ellie.
“N-n-n-no. You’re gonna take her.” You whisper it because there is too much fear in your voice. “I’m going to get Joel. You run to the stables. Get on a horse and you fuckin’ go. Ellie. You do not stop until that horse gives out. Get away from here. Far away from here. We will come for you. It’s too fucking dangerous here, Ellie. Too dangerous. You have guns?”
You do not even know what the fuck you are saying. Not even one bit but you do know that you cannot run. Cannot. Simply put. Can’t hide from fire and flames and bullets. These two girls need to get the fuck out of here. You are just going to slow them down.
“Joel?” She is bewildered at your request and is shaking her head no wildly.
“He’s going to fight, Ellie! We need a safe place to bring her home to and I can’t save her. I can’t.” You are…so fucking scared you might piss your pants. People from the colony start to pour out of the basement and past the room you are in to the scariness that is outside. “You said you’d never let anything bad happen to her, you said that. You said you’d kill to keep her safe. Please Ellie, I trust you. I trust you with her life. I do.” You kiss Ellie on the forehead and Nora on the back of her head. “There is a go bag in the garage for stuff like this. Has formula and bottles. Fresh water n diapers, wipes. Everything. If you can’t get it I’ll bring it to you. Go north. North. As north as you can. We’ll come. I love you. I love you, Nora. I love you both so fucking much.” Ellie is already backing away from you towards the door. She hesitates and then turns and takes off. Both of your babies are about to go outside that wall without you.
Joel.
You run to the basement but he isn’t down here. No one is anymore.
You have a pistol on your hip. You have ammo in your jacket. Your jacket is upstairs. You run. It hurts so god damned fucking bad but you take the stairs two at a time, grab your jacket and throw it on. You cannot run again. Physically you will fall if you try. You want to yell Joel’s name but now it’s so eerily quiet in here you’re scared to. It’s chaos outside. People are screaming and guns are going off. What the fuck? You were just at a wedding about to eat cake and get drunk with your husband. What the fuck? You think about what you just did and wonder if it was the right thing to do but Ellie is the most capable and determined girl you have ever met. If she coludn’t keep Nora safe than no one could.
You take the back door. The one that does lead right out towards the gate that was blown fucking apart by raiders. You sigh deeply, the gun in your hand as you push the door open and look out onto the madness that once was your fucking village. It’s not as crazy back here but there are walls of fire in seven different parts of this wall. The sky is black with smoke.
Joel.
You limp-run as quickly as you can behind buildings. Ducking away whenever footsteps come by. Why isn’t Joel calling your name? Where is Tommy? Maria? Billy? Lucas? Where were the patrol guys? Where were Shan and Connie? What the fuck.
Dina.
“Dina!” You shout her and she spins to you and takes off in your direction.
“Bird. My d-d-dad.” She’s sobbing and trying to hug you but you cannot comfort her right now. You grip her by the back of the neck and she pinches her shoulders.
“Shhhh.” You quiet her sobbing as you peak around the corner of the building you’re behind with the young girl. She whimpers quietly in your grasp. You don’t even care if you’re hurting her she needs to be quiet. “Shhhhhhhh.”
You are hidden in an ally and you need to peek out of this ally, turn right and sneak along that side of the building. Once you get to that corner its a main fucking road and it’s madness out there. You can hear it but you have to cross it to get to your housing tract. You need a rifle and Dina needs a knife. Maybe Ellie will be there with Nora and you can all leave together. Wishful thinking.
You peek and there are people fucking everywhere. No sneaking. Just fucking luck and hopefully quick limping. You turn to Dina who is crying softly and not looking at you.
“Dina.” She doesn’t look. “Dina.” She is in a crying trance. You slap her cheek gently with four stiff fingers and she snaps her head up at you. “Good. Listen to me very carefully okay?” You nod when she does. “Good. I’m going to keep my hand on the back of your neck like this the entire time. Never gonna let go, okay?” You keep nodding at her through the rest of your speech. “We’re going to my house, Get you a weapon, okay? Find Joel? Then we will try and find Ellie and Nora. Okay?” She is nodding too still crying but with scared, wide eyes. “I know, baby. I know. It’s scary out there. Don’t be scared, okay? Bridie is gonna keep you safe, right? I’ll never take my hand off your neck but you do not leave my side, do not run away and do not stop. For anything. No matter what or who you might see. Do. Not. Fucking. Stop.” You’re as serious as you can be through your blinding fear.
Ellie and Nora are okay. They’re fine. Can feel it in your bones.
You grip Dina’s neck and pull her into the madness. The two if you take off and she is right behind you like a good fucking daughter listens to their mom! She has her hands up over her ears and is just being led. Perfect. An unsuspecting raider comes around the corner from the main road. You lift your pistol, aim for his exposed neck and shoot. He goes down. As you reach him you slip your pistol back in the holster and reach for his machine gun. You have never shot one of these before. He has an extra pistol on his belt and you take that too. You give Dina his ammo.
“I cant hold you anymore. Need both hands. Your left hand does not leave my belt. You got it?” Your stern and firm and she wraps her left and around your belt near the back of your jeans. “You need it, take that pistol right by your hand, okay baby?” You try and be reassuring but how? You’re terrified. No sign of Joel. No Tommy. Nobody you care about at least. Fuck.
Ellie and Nora are juuuuuust fiiiiiine.
“Go.” You snap as you take your first steps into real fucking bedlam. This is what war zones look like. This is the beginning of the outbreak. Minus the infected, thankfully. This is bloodier and louder and more bullets than the hospital. You take it in as you limp across the street with literally no cover fire. You are quickly realizing too far into turning around that the raiders are on your right and the colony patrol guys are on your left and you’re walking right through the middle of their fire fight. You do not stop. Go. Go. Go. You’re shooting with the machine gun which has soooo much more power than a hunting rifle. Just shooting into the crowd of raiders to your right. No aiming just praying. Praying so hard. Limping so fucking fast.
The raiders open the fuck up on you as Dina and you cross the street. Bullets whizzing past your head, all over. They’re shooting at your feet and you can hear the bullets hitting the pavement and dirt and snow. Fuck! You hate getting shot at. Fuckin shit. Dina takes a bullet- you can hear it in the way she scream. Where? You dunno, you don’t stop and neither does she so she must be okay.
Limping as fast as you can. Holy shit. The raiders have unlimited ammo or something? They’re not conserving or nothing. You run out of bullets. You don’t know how to change the ammo in a machine gun so you just drop it…. Like an asshole– you are not thinking straight but you get across the street. You limp into the safety of the housing tract across the street! You made it. You could jump for joy! You could! But people are still shooting at you and Dina is crying out in pain. When you walk... it's a wide step, and fast. You are hauling ass and still limping.
“Shot?” You call back to Dina as you re-draw your pistol from the holster and speedily make your way towards your house using the backyards of other houses as cover, hugging yourself close to the buildings the way Joel had done to the walls in the hospital.
“Knicked— my fuckin ass!” She cries out. You cannot help but smirk because Dina is perfect.
“We’ll fix it at the house. I need a gun I can use and you can hide there.” You're dragging her even at your own lame pace.
“I’m not fuckin’ leavin’ you! You fuckin’ crazy? Try n’ get this hand off your belt, Bird. I dare you.” She is crying again.
“Okay, Jesus. You can stick with me. I thought you ass hurt.” You whisper back to her.
Your new house sits very close to the wall. There is one house between your backyard and the wall itself. There is fire fifty yards to the left. You feel…so lucky because when those explosions went off the big tree trunks they used as the wall came flying forward. The house behind yours would have been flattened and your house would have been the first thing raiders saw if they just chose fifty yards in the other direction.
There are raiders coming in through the hole. Not a lot. Five or ten. You could probably take them out from Ellie’s old room with a hunting rifle. You and Dina sneak very quietly and quickly into your garage. The baby's go-bag is gone. Your heart pangs and also flutters at the same time. Ellie has everything she could need for Nora— but they’re out on the other side of that wall and you had no idea what was waiting for them. Obviously fucking raiders. Good job, Birdie. Sent them right into the fucking fire.
Your bedroom has already been picked through and Joel’s wet and muddy boot prints are all over the floor. He took all his guns. Fuck. You give Dina two knives. She still has her hand wrapped around your belt. Good. You think for a minute about the plan.
“I just need to talk out loud please be quiet and don’t ask me anything.” You nod at Dina and don’t wait for a response. “Nora’s go-bag in garage. Regroup here— Joel didn’t wait here. What the fuck do I do if we can’t regroup here?” You close your eyes and try to think. Where did Joel tell you to go? What did he say? “The most center part of the city. The greenhouse. The market. We gotta go to the market, Dina!”
“We just came from that way!! I got shot in the fucking ass! Did you forget?” She yells at you. Good point. Center of the city was not going to work. Too many guns. Too many people. Fuck!
“Okay. Okay. I don’t know. I don’t know. Fuck, Dina I don’t know.” You have fear dripping all off the words you speak to her. It's hard to stay calm when your husband didn't fucking wait for you and two of your three babies are on the other side of that wall The other one is still attached to your belt.
“Stay here!!??” She is scared. You don’t blame her but you can’t stay here. Raiders coming in from the wall are probably going to start searching houses soon.
“Dina. I am fuckin’ terrified…but we have to find Joel or try to find him… But I really think we need to go to the stables. Ellie has Nora and I told her to go North. As north as she could.” Dina looks at you like you have eighteen eyes. “I know! I didn’t know what else to do! I’m such a bad fucking mom! God dammit!” You stomp your foot angrily. “Fuck!”
“We gotta get Joel. Joel can get us out of here. Take us to Ellie and Nora…” You don’t even know where to begin. This would all be so much easier if you could run! Can’t run. Cannot run for shit. Fuck!!! “Joel or the stables. Whatever comes first.” You grab your own go-bag out of the closet. Joel’s is still there so you give it to Dina. “Wear this. Do. Not. Lose it. It has everything in there Dina. Everything. I trust you. Let’s go find Joel and then find our girls.”
“Okay. I trust you, Bird.” Dina nods her head even with fear all in her eyes and a little bit of blood coming out of her right butt cheek. You lead her back outside through the backyard and try to stay as hidden as you can. It sounds and look like all of the action is in the center of town which is where Joel probably is.
You pray that Patti and Don are okay. Fuck.
You knock on Patti's door quickly. She was on the way to the stables and you were going to fucking need her after this. She's your fucking therapist and you're going to need to talk to someone. This is all new trauma! Fuck!
“Who is it?” Her voice is not kind and no sweet. She sounds like a fucking demon. Deep and fucking gravely like Joel's. It scares the shit out of you.
“Birdie. You comin’ with us or are you good in there?” You call through the door while also already climbing off her porch because you don’t have time to wait. You just needed to see if she was good. Wanted to come because you are scared right now and need an adult. You cannot be the adult in this situation!! You didn't know what grooming was! Fuck fuck fuck!!
“Staying. I got Don when the first bomb went off. I’m good at taking care of him. Good luck, Birdie.” She calls back through the door very deeply and gravely and you wonder if that is her normal fucking voice and if the sweet nice voice she uses on you is fake!? You cannot think about this right now.
“Love you, Patti.” You murmur to yourself as you lead Dina through the housing tract the same way as before- hugged tightly to houses and as out of sight as possible, until you get to the stables. These horses in here are not yours but you do not care. You open the gate and close it partially behind you and the girl still attached to your belt. There are less horses in here than normal. People came and get theirs already to fight or take off.
You get up on the horse with such a struggle. It’s embarrassing- Dina needs to help you. Fuckin' thigh. You yank Dina up behind you and tell her to hold on tight. You feel her arms squeeze around your waist. Then you go. You get this horse going, you don’t stop for anything. Nothing. How can you? You see Billy finally- in hand-to-hand combat with a raider. You cannot even help because your babies are on the other side of this wall and you don’t know what happened to them or if they are okay.
Shan’s dead fucking body doesn’t even stop you because— how? How did all of this happen? You were just at Connie’s wedding and you had Nora strapped to your back. Now you’re on the back of a horse with probably your newest daughter and no idea where your husband or your two OG babies are. Fuck. You run through town as quickly as you can scanning for Joel but you don't see him. He is nowhere. What the fuck? You don't have a plan for if you needed to leave the wall without him! Your plans always had you and him together. Meeting up somewhere within the walls and leaving together. Never this. Never leave the walls and wait somewhere or whatever the fuck your stupid fucking plan is. You don't even fucking have one. Just get away from all of this and find your kids. What the fuck?
You are on the other side of the wall for the first time since you crossed the threshold so long ago. It’s spooky. Quiet out here. There is no fighting. No ambush waiting for you like you had been expecting. Just snow, trees and other people from the colony escaping. On horseback or on foot. You’re all running. Joel isn't out here either. You scan every single person you see and none of them are Joel. Or Ellie. FUCK. You lead the horse to your old cabin in the woods and jump down off the horse and help Dina down. Once on the porch and a far enough distance from danger you grab Joel’s bag off Dina’s back.
Compass. Map. North.
Find it.
Perfect.
Dina is crying. Her ass hurts. You know the feeling of a gunshot wound. It sucks. You offer her comfort while also trying to get back in on the horse. That is when you hear it.
“Mom!!!”
You fall right on your ass. Your hands slip and you’re on your back looking up into the tree tops when Ellie’s horse bounds to you. You’re slipping on snow and ice and the horse hasn’t even come to a stop when she’s jumping down. Nora is still wrapped safely against her. Ellie has blood on her face and gash on her forehead. You embrace her anyway and smoosh Nora between the two of you.
"Why not north?" You're panicked and don't know why that's the first thing you ask her. She shakes her head quickly.
"Fuckin' shit ton of infected moving up north. Close too- I didn't stay long enough to find out which way they were going. I came here instead 'cause I knew you used to live here. Figured I could get Nora a change and bottle before they got too close and could take off again." She is panting and fifteen and better at coming up with plans than you are.
FUCK. A break would be nice. Just one.
"Okay. There is an attic. I have a bunch of supplies up there from before we left. We can fucking board that shit up tight. We will keep Nora happy and warm and hopefully really quiet with whatever stupid food we have. We're waiting here for Joel. We are not leaving this place until I find him or he finds us, okay?' You are freaking the fuck out. Sit around while the infected just wanted around outside? Cool. Awesome plan.
Old you would have gone through fires and lava for Joel- to make sure he was safe and okay. He didn't fucking follow the plan! He was supposed to wait at home for you and he didn't. Fuck. Fuck.
Ellie. Nora. Dina. They come first. The kids come first. Not you. Not Joel. The kids.
There is something burning so fucking deep inside you and it is a desperate need to keep these children alive and the only way you know how to do that is by sitting in this cabin. Kept you alive for four years all by yourself. Infected moved through here all the time before you left for Salt Lake. One or two... not as many as Ellie fuckin' makes it seem... Jesus Christ. You pray. Pray to a god who might exist because he saved your ass twice- that sonofabitch likes you or somethin- that your husband is not an actual big dumb guy and knows that if he cannot find you or his youngest daughter to come here and look for you. He will be so shocked to see who is here with you if he just comes to look in the right place.
Notes:
^ jesus fucking christ
I'm sorry about the cliffhanger :( ( not really)
editing this was so hard ( it always is for me if you haven't caught on) my eyes just kept moving so fast. I was on the edge of my seat like I didn't do this to myself.
Chapter 23: All That's I've Got
Summary:
Holy shit. How are you still alive?
where is your fucking husband?
all that ive got- the used
Notes:
for the first time in my life I have nothing to say
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Your attic has never been boarded up so tightly. This is where you used to hide when one or two infected would roll through. Never as many as Ellie is saying. You are trying to keep Nora up as long as possible, skip her last nap of the day so she just sleeps through the night and doesn’t wake up crying. You have no idea. You’re going to sit over her with a piece of Spam right at her mouth so when she opens her eyes you can just pop the lil snack right in her mouth. She’ll love it and never cry.
You think you’re joking but… that’s literally what you are going to do. You have no lights. No candles. Nothing to keep the four of you warm other than each other. Which is real awkward because apparently Dina and Ellie haven’t seen each other since Dina fucked Levi or Denim or whatever that stupid fucking kids name is. You’ve never met him and you hate a fifteen year old boy so much.
Dina grasps and pulls at Ellie’s hand pleadingly as Ellie sulks in the corner. You feel bad for Ellie. You didn’t think you were going to see Ellie for a while. Thought maybe you’d run into Alice who would want her step-daughter back but Alice is nowhere to be found. Sonofabitch Alice. You could use another set of adult hands.
“Please just talk to me.” Dina is whispering so quietly but there is literally no other noise in the cabin so you hear everything. You look out the window sneakily– waiting for your dumbass husband to show up. Fuckin’ took all the guns. At least Ellie is here and you have a hunting rifle again– Joel’s hunting rifle. You got it back ‘cause she stole it from you. You let her keep your revolver.
“I don’t want to fucking talk to you. I don’t even know why my Mom saved your ass– knowin’ what you did to me .” Ellie snaps at mostly you, really, but is looking at Dina when she says it.
“El, listen, I know I fucked up and I know you hate me. I really thought you were going to leave without me.” Dina sounds relieved.
“I am going to leave without you. Are you fucking crazy? You want me to take you out there, protect you, take care of you so that the minute we get to a colony somewhere you can just run off and fuck a guy?” Ellie spits venom to both of you. Ouch to Dina, that sucks. But Ellie is still going to leave? This pulls you from the window.
“You still leavin’?” You’re shocked. Ellie is shocked like you are but for a different reason.
“Duh. Look’it what just fucking happened? Even more reason for you to come with me Mom, we can bring Nora and do this every night. I’ll stop snowing once we get further west.” She has hope in her eyes like you might come. You want to.
“She’s just a baby, Squeaker. She’s noisy and fragile. Eats too much.” You try to joke but neither one of you smiles at it. “Ellie… I would follow you anywhere if it was just me and you. I mean it. Anywhere you wanted to go, I’m right there next to you.” She looks down at Nora on your chest and sighs.
“I know. She’s too young.” Ellie sits down on the small twin mattress you have up here for nights like this.
“Joel?” You raise an eyebrow even though she isn’t looking. She says nothing. You sit down with her and rest your head on her shoulder. “I fucked up. I did. I should have made Joel tell you that we were never going to that hospital. I knew. My gut knew all along. I didn’t listen.” You whisper the words to her in the early moonlight sneaking through the window. “I should have told you no. I should have said to you right then and there, that I wanted you to be my kid and I didn’t want to have to kill a bunch of people to make it happen.”
“Why didn’t you?” Ellie sniffles and you wrap your arm around her.
“I’m scared of you Ellie. Joel and I are both so fucking terrified of you.” You are serious as is it night right now. Ellie chuckles like you were making a joke. “Squeaker. You are one of two.. Maybe three if Dina needs a mom after this.. One of potentially three people in this whole world who have the ability to break mine and Joel’s heart so badly… that we would never, ever get over it.” You sit up and look at her with serious eyes and no smile. “I mean that. I would never be able to move on from the fact that you didn’t love me or want to come see me or snuggle in bed with me anymore…” You’re gonna open up to her right now. You choke on the words and she looks at you with concern in her eyes.
“S’wrong, Mom?”
“I’m sorry that I pushed you away. I never meant to make you feel forgotten about.” You hug her into your chest carefully to not disturb Nora who has fallen asleep. “I forgot about myself. I forgot about Nora. Joel.” You whisper to her softly and gently. “It hurt to open my eyelids in the morning, El. Hurt my heart for whatever reason. It was never about not wanting to be your mom. I wanted that more than anything . I didn’t realize that until you were already too far gone. Too mad. I’m so sorry that I made you feel anything other than care about or loved.”
Ellie is sobbing silently. Just her body shakes.
“Joel feels the same exact way. His heart hurts him. His head lies to him and makes him think he’s someone he’s not. You know Joel. You love him. He fucked up so badly and it was for selfish reasons… but think about the reason.” You stare at her while she thinks.
“Me?” She sounds like she doesn’t believe you.
“Duh. The coolest girl we know.” You kiss the side of her face gently. “Joel can be a big-dumb-guy sometimes… but Ellie he would never let anyone hurt you. And do you know how badly it’s eating him up inside that he is the one that hurt you? He betrayed your trust and that is a hard thing to get back– Ellie I know.” She pulls away and blinks at you.
“How do you trust him now?” She is still blinking waiting for an honest answer from you. You shrug.
“Sometimes I don’t. Most of the time I do. It’s a shitty thing. Losing someone's trust or losing trust in someone else.” You lay Nora down on the mattress between you and Ellie. “It’s a conscious choice you make every single day. You either forgive’em or you don’t. You trust them again and hope for the best. You get burned— sucks, but you got burnt. Won’t do it again. At least you tried. What happens if the person you are supposed to be with for the rest of your life fucks up one time and you miss out on a life time of truth and honesty and happiness just because you didn’t want to give them a second chance. You can live that way, I guess. Everyone fucks up though. You stabbed me in the leg, remember? I still trust you with a knife around my calf. Trust you with your lil sister. Just gotta decide if you can forgive them and move on or not.” You shrug again because you don’t even think that makes sense. You don’t think it does, you just pulled a bunch of shit out of nowhere and said I hope this sounds good. Same with the family speech on the front lawn. She left after that, so maybe you should shut up.
“What if I can’t? Forgive him.” She blinks and a tear rolls down her cheek.
“Respectfully, El, you miss out on a real good dad who would have probably burnt this whole fucking town down lookin’ for you if he knew you were still here. That’s up to you, though. You don’t have to trust him again . It’s your choice. You get to make it.” You touch her chest where her heart is gently. “All Ellie’s choice. No one else. Do what’s best for you Ellie. You’d miss him though. You know you would.” You wink at her and she stares at you. “C’mon. I know you had fun with him. I know it. You can deny it but I saw it. I felt it. I was there, you shit. I know.” You smile at her and wonder if she can see the desperation and sadness in your eyes Patti saw in them. You are sad and you are desperate for her to stay. You smile at her more desperately– probably scarily– as she blinks at you.
Ellie does smile now and leans in to hug you.
“I was scared.” She whispers. “To leave without you guys.”
“Fuckin’ should be.” You whisper back. “You’re fifteen fuckin’ years old.” You snap back from her and look her up and down for the first time since you saw her on the horse earlier. “You can’t go!” You point at her with a strong index finger. “You are my daughter and I am telling you that you are staying you ass in this fucking colony if it isn’t all blown to shit. Do you understand me? I’ll fuckin’ lock your ass in the basement and seal all the god damned windows up down there. I mean it, Ellie Miller. I’ll fight you and then I will throw your ass in our fucking basement.” You are serious. You’re excited but it’s coming across very firm, mean maybe.”Don’t fuck with me because then you will hate me.” You growl it at her. “I mean it.”
“Okay.” Ellie blinks at you.
“Never letting you out of my god damned sight ever again. What the hell is wrong with your father and I? PPD and PTSD got my brain all fucked up. Too scared of losing you to be your mom. Guess what, bitch? You got a fuckin’ mom now.” You point to Dina and glare at her. “And I hope she isn’t, but if Alice is dead… so the fuck do you.”
Dina snaps her head back like she can’t believe you just said that and also just spoke to her that way.
“Okay… Mrs. Bird.”
“Get the fuck to sleep. Both of you. Right now. And keep your hands where I can see ‘em.” You leer at both of them accusingly. They waste no time. Ellie crawls in and curls herself around Nora. You cover them with a blanket. Dina is making a makeshift bed right beside it with some pillows and blankets you have up here.
You go back to the window and look outside. No clickers. No raiders.
No Joel.
Fuck.
Nothing happens all night. No Joel. All night long.
This is the biggest struggle of your life. From the front porch of your cabin you can see the smoke still pouring into the sky. That is just fucking wonderful. They haven’t been able to put out the fires which means the colonists have no control of the city. It’s still burning. Fuck.
You want to go back there so badly and look for your husband. Then all five of you would leave here. Go somewhere warm like Ellie wanted. Going to look for him means leaving the three of them here alone. Fuck. Okay.
No. You cannot and will not do that but you also can’t just sit here. Nora is the safest in that attic. Safe in the attic and Joel isn’t up there, so. No. You do not want to go back up there. Can’t fathom it. Not without Joel. He had a wedding ring to re-give you. He can call you crazy if he just fucking shows up.
“What’s the plan, Mom?” Ellie is waiting for you to now Mom her because you fucking marked your territory or whatever the fuck you did last night.
“I have not one single shred of a plan, Ellie.” You sigh at her with complete honesty. She blinks at you. “Not leaving you. Never again. I meant it. You’re also not going anywhere near that fucking wall. Got it? Get it out of your head.”
“I could go. I’ll take a horse. Come right back if it’s sketchy.”
“Lead all the raiders and infected right back here?” You blink back at her. That is literally the only plan you have… that or you fuckin’ go. Which makes more sense because Nora needs to be attached to someone who can move quickly. This is the exact fear you had the morning you and Joel went up on that forsaken fucking wall. Mother fucker.
“Okay.” You snap in frustration. “I cannot be strapped to the baby. She has a fuckin limpin’ ass mom. She needs a runner. Ellie, preferably. No offense Dina, she’s just real fast.”
“None taken. My ass is fuckin’ sore still. I’m probably a little limpy today, too.” Dina looks back at the kiss of a bullet-graze she got. She had a hole in her pants and a scratch. She got so lucky. You got lucky! Queen of taking things to the body that shouldn’t go there. Tubes, bullets, giant pieces of plastic! A couple knives!! Joel’s giant dick in your throat!! You came away from this unscathed. Good for you.
Poor Dina’s buttcheek.
“Okay.” You breathe deeply. “I am going to go… I don’t want to…but if I don’t see my husband in the next twelve hours I am going to have a full blown panic attack and my therapist is not here to help. So.” Another deep breath. “I’m going back. To look for him.” It feels like you are speaking in tongues when you say that. What? You’re gonna… leave them? That’s not right though… that’s translating wrong in your brain because that organ heard you are killing them. Yup. Just throwing them to the infected or raiders… Fucking hell. Kids come first.
“Mom.” Ellie’s not so small girl voice makes you open your eyes. When did you close them? “You have to go. You gotta. I have things I wanna say to him.” She tells you with her eyes that Nora is safe and you need to go bring her dad back.
Fuck.
You give Dina a quick rundown on how a pistol works and hand it to her. Ellie gets the hunting rifle. She is a better shot with it now than you are. She can pick’em off before they get close.
“Ellie.” She looks at you as Dina takes the baby from her arms. “I can’t cry and I can’t be distracted out there.” You take her shoulders. “If we don’t come back by tonight… leave the following morning. Tonight n’ tomorrow night. Nothing would keep me away from you guys that long if I were able to come back. You’ll know.” You lean in and kiss her forehead with a big, wet kiss and linger. “I love you. I’m sorry I gotta do this right when I get you back. I don’t wanna leave.” You kiss the perfect child that was almost cut from your belly and whisper against her head. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” Fuck leaving Nora is fucking hard. Leaving Ellie is hard as you kiss her face ten billion times.
“Go get our Dad.” Ellie whispers.
“You got it, Squeaker.”
The entire woods smell burnt. Charred. You hop off the horse before you can actually see the wall. You tie him up on a tree and sneak closely. You check the top of the wall for patrol. There is none. No one is up top, not even raiders. That is not good. No one kept watch? Good or bad? Strange.
You keep behind trees as often as you can until you have your body pressed tight against the wall. You sneak along it until you get to the gate. It’s still wide open, no one’s guarding it. This is too fucking eerie. The time it takes you to get from where you were when you saw the gate to the actual gate itself is embarrassing. You’re so fucking nervous what you’re going to see when you look. Everyone dead? Everything burning? Nothing at all?
Infected. So. Many. Fucking. Infected.
All stages.
They are within the whole colony. That entire horde that Ellie mentioned made their way inside and now you are glad you left.
Where is Joel? He wouldn’t have stuck around here. Would he have? You can’t believe that he was home and left. Left the town hall even. Without you!
That stupid horse is right where you left him and you give him some nose scratches and a head pat when you get to him. There is only one more place you can check. Hopeless. The abandoned cabin is right where you remember. No footprints leading up to it at all. Just the ones passing by like your own. Joel would have left footprints in the snow if he went up there. Fuck. Joel is gone. Simple. Got captured or worse. Can’t even think about it. You’re far enough away from the colony in your cabin. This one is closer. Can almost see the wall from here. You wait here for an hour. He does not come.
You explore the woods quietly. You hear people talking. Their voices carry in the trees and you close your eyes so you can hear the voices better. No fucking way.
“Tommy!” You whisper it into the wilderness. The voices go quiet. “Maria?” Now you're scared you’ve just given away your position. This is angry dad 101. Do not give away your position. The first thing your dad taught you out here was shut the hell up and you're out here fuckin' whisper-shouting at voice in the woods. You learned nothing. How to kill people, no survival skills what-so-ever.
“Bird?” It’s fucking Connie and Lucas!! They come bounding out from behind trees and overgrowth so far away. You get off your horse and you do run. It’s stumbled and it hurts but you connect with Connie and it knocks the wind out of both of you. Lucas has his arms around the two of you and hugs you tightly. You’re all crying. Sobbing in the woods. Never did you think you'd see them again. You don't know why. Nothing made sense anymore. None of this is really happening and you're going to wake up from a nightmare soon. "Girls? I saw you strapping the baby to Ellie." You can only nod before you speak the next word.
“Joel?” You pull away within seconds and look at them. Connie shrugs.
“I just got him back. Been out here all night alone.” Connie’s face twists up and she starts to cry. Thinking about poor Connie.. who might be the most innocent person you've ever met stuck out here in the dark all alone. On her wedding night. You hug her again quickly.
“I saw Joel. We were in the basement about to do a shot when the first explosion went off. We think it wa—” Need important information, Lucas. C'mon.
“Is Joel alive?” You don’t care about explosions or shots or anything but the well being of your husband.
“Last time I saw him he was. He was haulin’ ass towards your guys’ place right after that first explosion. He said he didn’t bring his pistol because he didn’t think he’d need it. He took off— faster than I’ve ever seen him run.” There we go! Thank you!
“Which way did he go when he left?” This is important because if something happened to him and you went the same way as him you would have seen. You saw all the dead bodies. Checked every single one with your eyes as you walked past it...praying none of them were him.
“Normal way, the fastest, right across the main road– Bird I saw you cross that road with that girl. I thought for sure you were a goner.” Lucas sounds like he is in disbelief. So are you, honestly. You ignore him because we are talking about Joel, not your incredible ability to avoid bullets yesterday.
“Joel didn’t come back to the front lines?” You wrinkle your eyebrows. Lucas thinks for a second. More than a second. You have to stop yourself from tapping your foot while he stares off into space...thinking. His adams apple is looking so fuckin' punchable right now. Spit it out!
“I might’a seen him ‘round there. Dunno. There was so much goin’ on. He might’a been…yeah I think I saw him once more on the way out of the wall. The raiders took off shortly before that. Infected moved in quick. Bombs must’a drew ‘em in. Tommy and I watched ‘em move in all night from a tree.”
“Maria?” You're sick to your stomach when you ask about her.
“Tommy has Maria so high up in a tree that's where baby Tomas is going to grow up.” Connie nods. "S'what Lucas said."
"Tommy n' Maria got real high up but not real far away. They're stuck up there until the infected move outta there, at least with the baby. I tried to get Tommy to come with me, look for more people but he ain't leavin' those two. Not with all them around."
"Mine sure fuckin, did. What the fuck? He take off? Doesn't wanna do this with me anymore or somethin'?" You snap in frustration. Fuck. Where is Joel? Gonna yell at him for two fuckin' hours.
“Nah, Bird. Joel would never. It took me all morning to find Connie. I couldn’t get down out of that tree all night. Too many infected. Joel is out here lookin’ for you.” Lucas tries to sound encouraging but you just wanna punch him right in the neck for being such a good husband. You can't punch Joel. He specifically asked you not to. So when you find him you are going to just yell your god damned head off. Give him a good ole verbal lashing.
“You guys come with me.” You lead the newlyweds to your hideout. Ellie and Dina are inside like good girls. Listening to their mom. Your mind is going a mile a minute though. Where the fuck is Joel!?
Connie and Ellie hug tightly when you bring them back to your old cabin. You tell Lucas that you used to live here and Joel knows that. He still isn’t here or even come to look. Not like him. Joel would have come here. Lucas looks at you and sighs and then looks at Connie with his chest slightly puffed out.
“Connie, I know you just got me back but can I go look for Joel with Birdie? You stay here with the girls, keep’em real safe. Practice.” Lucas presses his hand to her belly and your jaw drops into the snow and dirt and rocks. Plummets right through the frost.
“Are you fucking pregnant?” You are stunned. She nods and smiles sadly. What a terrible turn of events for poor Connie. Shit.
“Found out two days ago.” She sighs and takes Ellie by the shoulders. “I’ll stay with them. Keep’em real safe for you, Birdie.” Connie has tears in her eyes. You know she doesn’t want Lucas to leave. You understand the feeling. Lucas and you use the two horses to go far. Staying away from the wall and the infected inside. So far you can barely see the smoke. Cover more ground and hopefully find your fucking husband. Where is he? Is he hiding from you? At this point he should be. Lash his fuckin' balls right off.
“You have any idea where he could be?” You ask Lucas as you ride slowly and quietly through the woods on the strong animals below you. Lucas thinks for a while and then apologizes first thing.
“Sorry. Us guys used to talk on patrol about where we would go… I’m trynna think about where Joel said. Don’t mean to keep you danglin,’ waitin’ for an answer.” You love Lucas so much but he talks so fucking slow and you just need him to speak as fast as your brain is moving. You say nothing. “S’old water tower… maybe four or five miles west of here. He’d go there. Said he’d bring you n’ the girls there if anything happened. High up. Big ladder you can pull up, I guess. I dunno, I never been there.”
“You wanna go with me or do you wanna go help Connie keep our babies safe?” You give him the serious option. You want him to go. You cannot listen to him slow talk. You think too fast, there are already seven new questions forming in your brain before he even answers the first one.
“I’d like to go be with my wife, Birdie. It’d be an honor to protect your girls while I keep mine safe too. Joel helped me out with Jacob, ‘bout time I returned the favor.” Lucas and his slow talking. He’s so nice and you love him but spit it the fuck out. You have a husband to find. It's already past noon. The sun isn't right over head. Fuck. Fuck.
“Tell my girls I love ‘em. All three of’em.” You stare at Lucas. “Protect ‘em like I would. Please.” You plead in your eyes to keep your babies safe. He nods silently. There's a parental code. I trust you with my kids? You better keep’em fuckin’ safe and he knows it already!
So fucking stupid. You’re going to fuckin’ whip his ass. Worse and harder than the first time. He liked it too much the first time. He's not going to like this one! A water tower? Tellin’ his buddies all about his secret fuckin’ spot— never thought to mention it to you. Idiot. You’re gonna lay the fuck into him if he is at that water tower.
And if he’s not?
You’ll fucking jump right the fuck off of it. Swan dive. Because where the fuck is he? Huh? Disappeared into thin air? PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT. WHERE IS JOEL?
Connie and Lucas can have your babies. Big ole family! Not really...because there is no fucking way that he won’t be there. None. He’s gonna be there and he’s going to be using his perfect carpenter hands and body to build you guys a house up there. A big metal house. Fuck. He better be. Then he can make everything better. Fix everything. When are you going to wake up? This is the longest nightmare ever. Kinda sucks a little bit. You still haven’t accepted the fact that your house and your perfect, safe little community has been blown to fucking bits. Not yet. You’re sure that the “dealing with it process’ will hit you at the most inopportune moment. You were just at a wedding! Cake and booze and dancing! This is a nightmare! Not real life. No fuckin' way. You were going to let Joel put it in your ass last night. You could weep. Absolutely weep as you ride this stupid horse that isn't actually stupid you're just mad and want to cry.
Stupid.
It’s been two hours of this fucking saddle and it hurts your pussy and you can almost just see the water tower. Way more than four or five miles… Lucas! Like eight! Joel walked all the way here? You walked all the way to Salt Lake? Eight miles is nothing to Joel. You are tired. Hungry. Frustrated. Where is Joel?
The water tower is fucking empty too. The whole thing. Not even any water up here! Sonofabitch. Joel didn’t even grab his go-bag. He’s out here in his flannel and jeans. Maybe he grabbed his jacket if he had time. You sit up there for a while. You can see the smoke from the still burning wall that used to be your town. Still doesn’t feel real. Not one bit. All of Nora’s toys and clothes? Your things? Joel and Ellie’s? Gone? No. Not really happening.
You can’t sit on the horse. Pussy is fuckin’ screamin’ in the worst way. You have to walk.
Joel is gone. Not where he should be. Didn't come to find you. He might actually be gone. Really.
Tears pick at your eyes because you didn’t get one second to really enjoy your relationship with him. He was stabbed and so were you! You got shot and almost died. Paranoid and high. Lying. Grooming accusations. Jacob and Ava period. Sucks. The first three months of Nora’s life were perfect. You got three good months. That’s gotta count for something. Gotta. You didn't just spend the last however much time with this man-- it genuinely feels like you've lived a lifetime together. At least you had a nice night in your cabin before you left for Sal--
“Birdie-girl?”
His voice doesn’t sound real. It’s like he’s right beside you but so far away at the same time. You’re awake. Looking at the snow and walking next to a horse; this is no dream. He’s not really here. No. You were just accepting the fact that he was dead or lost and now you hear his voice.
“S’really you?”
You’re too scared to turn around because what if it is another smooth talking, country accent having man who calls his ole’ lady Birdie-girl? Not Joel. You turn your whole body to the right and he’s right there in the tree line. He is a football field away from you. You have no idea how you heard him so fucking clearly. It was like he had been right next to you– talking in your ear but he’s so far away.
“Joel?” You wanna move your body to him but you’re stuck. He is too. You stare at each other as tears roll down your cheeks. His body flinches and then he is running and now you are running. Stumbling. Falling the fuck down. You don’t care. Not one bit that it feels like the muscle is being torn away from the bone in your thigh. It brings even more tears- these ones are not good- to your eyes as you push through it. You’re on the ground again, knees into the snow and hands buried in mud and ice and slush. Doesn’t matter. You’re on your feet again and he’s closing the distance. You’re trying so hard to get to him but your leg wont fucking work anymore, litrally just feels like it’s dragging behind you as you work as hard as you can.
He collides into you. His arms are around your waist lifting you into him, his hands search all over your back and ass as you wrap your legs around his waist.
“I’m so sorry. Bird, I’m sorry.” He speaks to you as you speak to him. You two just talk over each other.
“Where th’fuck did you go?” You’re sobbing. “You left me?” Everything about your thigh is screaming in the worst way, he has his hands on you and his perfect, brown eyes are staring into yours. As he apologizes to you through your own words.
“I went to the abandoned cabin first. No footprints. I fucking forgot where your cabin is. I forgot like a fucking asshole and I walked in the wrong direction. By the time I fucking realized it I needed to get somewhere with shelter. I was lookin’ for you. I didn’t have nothin’ with me. Just my gun. I’m so sorr—”
You need to kiss him. Your mouth needs to be pressed against his desperately. You don’t care. He looked, he did all the right things he just is big-n-dumb and so are you sometimes. He kisses you back just as desperately. You feel his body trembling underneath you. He’s crying.
“What h-happened t-to N- N…” He can’t even get the words out and you furrow your brow in confusion. He sobs. “Nora.” He chokes it out. You realize you don’t have her on you.
“She’s okay. She’s alive. She’s with Connie and Lucas, baby. It’s okay. She’s okay.” You run your hands across his face, down his beard. Joel lets out another sob, a relieved one. You kiss the tears off his cheeks and stare down at him because he doesn’t feel real. You’re so excited to surprise him with Ellie when you get back. “I thought I lost you. I really did.” You look back up from his mouth and beard and take him in. “What?”
Joel isn’t looking into your eyes anymore. He’s looking over your shoulder and for some reason it makes your blood run cold and every single hair on your arms and legs stands on end as he takes your weight on his left hip and reaches for his gun. You are too scared to even see what he is going to shoot at. You hear them moving in the distance. It doesn’t sound close, but you hear it.
“There’s a lot of ‘em B, movin’ outta the colony back north it looks like. Shit.” Joel speaks in barely a whisper. You keep your eyes on him and him only. He is scanning the problem and looking for a solution all while holding you on his hip the way you would hold a toddler. “Gotta get to that water tower.” More hushed– almost silent– words to you.
That water tower was three times the distance you had been from Joel. Three football fields if you can remember how long a football field is. You think you have a good idea. Far. Far as fuckin’ shit. And there were three of them between you and this fucking ladder that Joel could aparently pull up to keep you safe? No, just a regular fuckin’ ladder. Someone is out here lying. Either your husband or Lucas!
“I can’t run. My thigh.” You press your mouth into his ear when you whisper it. “I fucked it up runnin’ to you.” Panicked whispers into his ear. You see goosebumps rise on the flesh of his neck. Joel’s face is pale, like all the blood just left it. He turns to you and mouths.
“Hop up on my back.” Joel sets you down gingerly and turns his back to you and kneels low to the ground. He wraps his arms underneath your knees and as soon as he feels both of your hands on his shoulder— gripping the collar of his jacket, he takes off. This is when you look to see what Joel had seen. The horde. Looks like all the infected in the whole world when they're all grouped together like that. And it’s not just clickers. There were freshly bitten people from the colony and raiders. Runners. You could see them now so far away. Not a lot but they moved so different from the rest. Twitchy and unpredictable.
You deal with the screaming pain in your thigh as Joel runs as fast as his body will allow him. You bounce with each step he takes and it is piercing. You do not want to take your eyes off this horde of infected because it’s the most terrifying thing you have ever seen. You’ve never seen a horde like that before. Not of this size. Holy shit. You’re glad they’re moving away from your cabin but now they’re coming right towards you and Joel.
You don’t even realize that he’s trying to set you down.
“Git’off me and climb the best you fuckin’ can, baby!” Joel shakes your hands off his jacket collar and pushes you in front of the ladder. You hesitate in fear and shock and he’s in your ear. “Git’up there! Now!” He barks it at you quietly and your brain finally kicks into gear. You start to climb but you’re going so slow. Joel is basically on top of you– behind you– whatever! He’s so close to you on this ladder you can hear him breathing. “Go Bird, I know it hurts but you gotta fuckin’ pick up the pace. Please. Try.” Joel sounds panicked.
Why didn’t he just go first! Your leg is about to explode. You have so much further to go to get up to the top.
You are worth something. Worth more than just sadness and desperation.
Patti’s words breath life into. It’s like she is here with you on this ladder and you push with everything in you to go. You do not go much faster but there is determination behind your movements. You have maybe fifteen or sixteen rungs of the ladder when it starts to vibrate in your hands and under your feet. You don’t have time to look down before Joel is yelling at you, bellowing.
“Go! Get up that fucking ladder, Bird! Right now! Go!”
You fucking freeze. You cannot move. There are infected on the ladder and you’re going to die. Joel is behind you, right behind you on the ladder and he’s pleading in your ear. “Fuckin’ move Bird. Please. You gotta move. I gotta see Nora again. I can’t not see her, please move.” Hearing her name does it. You are flying up this ladder and Joel is right behind you, almost helping you climb by holding you close.
You’re on the top and Joel shoves you out of the way. You tumble into the large metal basin of the water tower forehead first– very Bird of you- and before you can turn around Joel is sitting on his ass with his feet pressed into the top run of the ladder. He’s using the railing along the outside to hold onto as he pushes. You see what he’s trying to do and you get down and help as much as you can with one good leg.
The ladder was rusty. The screws that held everything together had been loosened over time and use and with no maintenance to come screw them tight again… and the rust… and all the pressure from Joel’s strong legs– the increased weight at the top of the ladder as the runners climbed closer. You could hear their gargling fucking throat sounds they made. They were so fucking close. You had your eyes closed because you are scared. You hear how close they are, sounds like they could reach out and touch you. You peak and Joel has his pistol ready while still pushing as hard as he can with the ladder.
You have a gun! You have a gun!! You can grab it and aim it like he is for when they climb up here and kill you.
You have the very morbid image of you and Joel just shooting yourselfs together to not have to suffer.
As you reach for your pisitol the ladder gives, gives so fast and at the last possible second. They were all right there. Alice. Dina’s step-mom. Ms. Babs– Ellie’s old teacher. People you knew were fucking changing. You watch as they fall and Joel grips you by the jacket and holds you tight, like you might fall off the edge.
You’re panting, thankful for your life when it hits you what you’ve just done.
“How are we—”
“Please. Just don’t. Don’t ask. I dunno.” Joel sighs and lays on his back after he cuts you off. “Hopefully someone comes lookin’ for us.”
“There isn’t another way down?” You whisper sadly.
“S’why I picked this place. One way up. One way down. Easy to fuckin’ guard. Not easy when they’re on your fuckin’ coattails.” Joel presses the heels of his hands into his eyes and groans loudly. “Hopefully they’re movin’ away from the cabin.” Joel sighs.
“Ellie is there.” You whisper it to him. “She’ll take good care of Nora.”
“What?” Joel’s turns his head to you but doesn’t sit up. “Don’t fuckin’ do that, Bird. That’s fucked.” He has more tears in his eyes now because he knows you wouldn’t lie about something like that. “She really there?” His voice cracks.
“You think I’d just leave our baby with Connie and Lucas after all that? I left her with Ellie.” You whisper. “Connie and Lucas are there but… Nora is with her big sister. Being taken care of.”
Joel covers his face with his hands and you lay down next to him and press your head against his. You stare up into the now darkening sky and think about what you said to Ellie and you hope that she doesn’t leave in two days. She’s convincing and Connie and Lucas are easily swayed. Fuck. Why did you say that to her? Why didn’t you change the plan when you dropped off the adult babysitters?
Fuck being a mom is so hard. You’re too scared to tell Joel what you’ve done.
“What did you do? What happened? Where were you?” Joel fires off questions at you rapidly.
“Ellie was at the town hall. Right after the ceremony when everyone was going down to the basement she pssttted me like you do. She went upstairs and I followed her, we hugged and thats when the first bomb went off.”
“No wonder I couldn’t find you. I was the first one upstairs when it went off. You weren’t on the first floor so I ran home to strap up. You weren’t there either. I had to go back, there were so many raiders, Bird.” Joel is shaking his head disspointedly. “How did Nora and Ellie do?”
Shit.
“I strapped Nora to Ellie and told her to go to the stables. Take off. Told her to come this way and she tried but she ran into them—” You nod your head down to the ground where the horde is now standing and milling around. “She remembered where my cabin was.” You stare at him. “She was only ever there the one time and she remembered.”
“Oh shut up. I’m old. Fuck off. I tried.” Joel waves his hand at you in annoyance. You smirk softly.
“You’re not mad I let Ellie take Nora?”
“Mad? Hell no. She’s fast as hell, sharp as a tack and resourceful. Ellie would’a taken good care of Nora on her own if she had to. Did it for almost three months n’ five days.” Joel sighs and closes his eyes. “You think were good parents? You think we’re gonna get back to that cabin and she’s going to be halfway to Arizona with our baby?”
“I talked to her.” You scoot closer to him and take one of his hands in yours. “She said she has things to tell you. We gotta get back to them, Joel.” You squeeze his hand.
“We will. Tommy n’ Lucas know about this place, they’ll come look for us.”
“I told Ellie and Dina to take Nora out of here in two days.” You whisper. “I told them if we weren’t back by then that they would know. Joel I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d be this far and I told her before I found Connie and Luca—”
“You told our fifteen year old and her girlfriend to bring our seven month old on the road in two days if you didn’t come back? Not a week? Not two weeks? Not sit your asses the fuck here until you got back? Really?” He’s mad.
“I was panicking Joel! Freaking the fuck out! I just wanted to come find you. Just needed to know you were okay.” You are mad now, too. He sighs loudly. Neither one of you have sat up yet.
“Lucas wont let them leave. Patrol guys have protocol to follow.” Joel grunts.
“Protocol?”
“If something like this were to ever happen and the colony got split up the way it did, any remaining patrol guys were to meet in at an old factory ‘bout two miles west of here You wait one whole day before you go. They’ll all be there tomorrow. Tommy too. He’ll come lookin’. Lucas will tell Tommy about the girls. Tommy will keep them here and safe for us, Bird,” Joel sounds hopeful. You want to cry. “Food in your pack?” Joel sounds even more hopeful. You sit up and pull the straps off your shoulder.
“Here.” You hand him the whole pack because you can’t do anything. You cannot believe you’re stuck up here.
“What happened to your forehead?”
“OH did you not here it ring against this giant fucking metal bowl you shoved me into? You did this, asshole.” You snap at him. Joel chuckles softly.
“Bird, I’m sorry. I know yer’leg hurt. You were goin’ so fuckin’ slow and they were movin’ too fast. I am sorry. S’just red. ” He is apologetic but your delivery definitely was pleasantly unexpected to him.
“Oh, is it just red? It hurts too! My leg. My head. I’m too scared to ask what next because I’m on top of a water tower! You gonna push me off next?” You’re exhausted. Didn’t sleep a single wink last night and you don’t think Joel did either because he is laughing at you as he searches for something to eat in your backpack.
“I might you keep yellin’ at me like that.” Joel smirks at you and sighs. “No one else I’d rather be stuck up here with.”
“Yeah, same. I love you.”
“I love you more, Birdie-girl.”
Notes:
^^ look'it this stupid sonofabitch
Chapter 24: The Coin Has A Say
Summary:
What the fuck did you get yourself into? How you gettin' down, bitch?
Notes:
this one should be trigger warning free
love all you beautiful bitches so damn much. All your comments are so, so encouraging and make me feel so good about myself which is so rare, so thank you all so much for your support. <3 I appreciate you so much.
also question for you. would you like shorter chapters or do you like the length I've been serving them to you? I don't mind either way, something in my ADHD brain says that I'm doing you a disservice if the chapters aren't like... at least seven or eight pages in my Google docs... but then I also feel like things that happen in the begging get lost towards the end? I dunno. I just thought I'd ask and see if you'd give me any feedback or if I'm literally fine and just overthinking. Do it all the time. SO let me know
the coin has a say - every time i die
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“You cold?” Joel is being so kind and you missed him so much, but this is the third time he has asked you that. You are cold. You've told him yes every time he asks. You are tired and you want to go home to your babies. You are sitting up here on this water tower contemplating your fucking existence and every choice that led you up that ladder. Joel- who just fuckin’ disconnecting the only exit! You helped! You helped him trap yourselves up here. Neither one of you is prepared for an exposed night out on a water tower! You’re both in jeans and a flannel shirt and your winter jackets. You don’t have gloves, no hats. Nothing. It is fucking cold, Joel! Yes. You are cold.
“I’m fine, not too bad.” You lie because you can’t just tell him yes you are cold again while he blinks at you with no solution in his eyes. Just brown and beautiful eyes blinking. Annoying you even though you love them so much. There is nothing either one of you can do. You two are so entangled into each other that if he tried to pull and hold you any closer to him you’d be crawling into his urethra. You're sitting in his lap!
“Liar.” Joel coos to you in a whisper. “Wanna...fool around up here?” He smirks as he kisses just below your right eye with a shrug.
“Oh yeah, let me take you deepest one hundred and fifty feet in the air. You can do the fucking face or whatever your perverted ass called it, hope we don't blow away or fall off.” You snap back to him quietly. He chuckles silently as he holds you close to him.
“I did go fuckin’ deep that mornin’. Surprised me real nice.” Joel is whispering and using his low, quiet voice to try and seduce you up here. “Loved wakin’ up to that. Best fuckin’ mornin’ of my whole life.” Joel’s hands move up and down your back slowly. You have your legs wrapped around his waist as you just sit in his lap. Nothin’ else to do up here.
There is one thing you have noticed about Joel and it’s never bothered you. You just noticed. You’re the best thing to ever happen to him— since the outbreak. You, Nora and Ellie are the most important things to him— since the outbreak. Even when you guys had amazing sex the other night he said; best night of his life— since the outbreak. Joel lived a whole lifetime before the outbreak happened. Really. He had a wife and a kid. A kid who he raised by himself. That boggles your mind right now looking at him, but he said you surprising him with a going deepest contest that morning was the best of his whole life. Your pussy is purring, but not for long.
“Do women really like that or were you just saying that to me so that I’d do it again?” You ask curiously. Joel laughs at you audibly.
“I met a couple who like–” Joel starts but you make a retching sound.
“I don’t wanna know if you know anyone who liked it– I am asking… If women really liked that? Don’t gotta know about your dick in someone else's throat, Jesus.” You roll your eyes at him in the moonlight.
“So you’d never do a threesome with me? Let me watch you eat puss—” You slap your hand over his mouth with a horrified look on your face. Who did you marry? Huh? A brothel owner!?
“What!?” You exclaim but he is already laughing at you and pulling his head away from your hand. “You’re awful– you wanna watch me suck off someone else while we're at it!?” Joel narrows his eyes on yours and you smirk in satisfaction. “Exactly. Shuddup.” You tap his cheek gently with your limp hand.
“I actually jus' pictured it now n' my dick got kinda hard.” Joel smirks up at you. You gawk at him.
“You are a pervert. A big one.” You snap your head away from his and close your eyes. You feel him lean in and press his lips to your ear.
“You don’t wanna go deepest while I’m inside you?” Joel purs softly into your ear.
“No.” You answer quickly.
“Good fuckin’ answer. Passed my fuckin’ test. ” Joel pinches at your sides gently. “I’ll never let anyone put their fuckin’ hands on you. Put their fuckin’ dick in your mouth? Birdie, I’m sick thinkin’ about it.” He groans and rests his head on your shoulder.
“You are sick. There is something wrong with you.” You shake your head at him as he lifts his head to smile in your face.
“I have never met someone who makes me laugh the way you do, Birdie. Shit. Cryin’ sometimes we’re laughin’ so hard.” Joel starts to chuckle now with you in his lap. “Never forget the look on your face in that old cabin that night I told you I was leavin’. You looked all heartbroken and then said ‘ok’.” Joel chuckles again. “Hurt my feelin’s a little.” Joel pulls your chest closer to his. “I was offended.”
“Knew the whole time you were leaving and didn’t tell me until the second to last time we saw each other. Asshole. ” You kiss the side of his face gently as you speak. Joel emits a throaty chuckle as his hands grip your waist gently.
“Still came with me though.” Joel breathes quietly as you kiss further down towards his jaw and back to his ear.
“Mhm.” You hum into his ear softly. You feel him shiver underneath you. “Wanted to feel you inside me every night. Left me feelin’ empty when you’d pull out of me.” You breathe into his ear. Joel sighs as his hands snake around your back and hold you as close to him as he can. You’re already there. You cannot get closer.
“Birdie-girl.” Joel whispers as you kiss down his neck. You bite him abruptly and hold your teeth on his neck. He growls and rocks his hips up into yours.
“I’m not fucking you on top of this water tower, Joel Miller. Get it out of your head.” You pull away from his neck but one of his hands holds the back of your head into the crook of his neck.
“Bite me again.” There is a desperation in his whisper you’ve never heard before. You hesitate for a moment before you sink your teeth back into his flesh softly. Joel groans and you feel his body stiffen underneath you. “Suck.” Joel’s voice is trebling and so the fuck is he! What!? You bite down a little harder and his breath catches in his throat as you press your lips against his neck and drag your tongue along the indentations your teeth had just left. Then you suck gently.
Joel whimpers as you move to a new, non-bitten or sucked on part of his neck. He turns his head to the side and gives you more room as you kiss and lick his neck before you bite him again. Your husband is trying to hold back the most quiet and breathy exclaims of pleasure.
“You like being bitten?” You whisper into his ear. You nibble at his earlobe gently as he nods frantically, unable to speak. “Do you want me to bite you harder?” You murmur the words against his skin. More frantic pleas for your teeth in his silent nodding. You oblige him. You lick a new spot slowly and tease with kisses and whispers of his desperate need to be inside you before you do it. You bite down hard. Joel has to stifle a moan or a groan. Maybe both? His hands move to your hips and starts to move you against him slowly.
“Don’t stop . Fuck, Birdie. Suck on it, leave your mark on me Bird. Mark me up. Fuck.” He is whimpering. Like, really whimpering. You’ve never heard him make these sounds before.
You spend the next thirty minutes sucking and biting on his neck and upper parts of his chest he could expose to you.
“You’re a freak.” You murmur against his mouth. He nods as he kisses you back, his mouth opening to offer you the warmth and wetness of his tongue. He gently lowers you onto your back with his mouth still attached to yours.
Joel is on top of you, his hands are in your hair and he’s thrusting his hips into yours as he kisses you. Slow and lazy kisses that mix your saliva and leave it on your lips and chin. You both still have your jeans on, and your thigh is screaming at you to not be in this position anymore. He’s spreading your legs wide with his hips as he grinds the front of his jeans into yours. He’s panting and sighing against your kisses. You can feel how rock hard he is and now you feel like an ass for telling him you wouldn’t fuck him up here because you would.
“I need you, Bird. Need you real fuckin’ bad.” He’s whispering into your mouth that is still trying to kiss him. “Thought somethin’ fuckin’ bad happened to you. I love you so fuckin’ much.” He’s kissing you again.
Boom. Boom.
Two more explosions go off further North from you. Maybe six or seven miles? You dunno, you calculate distance in football fields! Who knows miles just buy looking?! Joel is still rocking his hips into yours but both of you turn your head to see what it was. It’s further away from the colony and your cabin so you don’t really give a shit. You turn your head to kiss Joel again but he’s getting up. He cares about the explosions.
Sonofabitch, this was his idea!
“Wonder where that was…” Joel looks perplexed, like he could be thinking of what’s in that direction. Then his eyes drop down to the ground. “Look’it, they’re leavin’.” Joel points and he’s right. The infected are going to inspect that sound.
“Hope there is more waitin’ for them when they get there. Come back.” You hold your arms out for him and he places himself between your legs but now the moment as passed. Sonofabitch.
Joel rolls over onto his back and pulls you in close to his side.
“Rest up, Birdie-girl. We’re gettin’ off this thing in the morning.”
Trying to sleep in the freezing cold with no sleeping bag and no fire sucks. Sleep doesn't come to you when it is that cold. Also terrible when you might have an acute muscle tear in your thigh. It was already so weak and so fucked up from scar tissue and when you walked you babied it, so it was even weaker. You’re surprised you even made it up that fucking ladder, but it did not feel like this last night. Maybe you were so high on adrenaline? You dunno. Can’t move it at all now though.
“S’wrong? S’you’re forehead?” Joel asks with worry and remorse in his tone. You blink at him with no amusement in your eyes, because how dare he talk about your forehead. He did that to you!
“Oh, is it not just red anymore? Is it real bad now?” You’re so unimpressed. You get why he did it. It was like when he pushed you in the hospital— to save your life. Still hurts and it’s probably very obvious.
“Bruised a little.” He tilts his head to the side. “Sorry again, baby. Just tryin’ to save us.”
“It’s fine. I’m just tired, havent slept since the night before the wedding, and my leg fucking hurts so bad! Worse than when I was shot because I have all my blood still and can feel it. Feelin’ it real good.” You grit your teeth as you try and sit yourself up against the water basin. “Fuuuck. I dunno how I’m gonna get down— get back. Eight fuckin’ miles and that stupid horse ran off.” You snap at no one. “I don’t blame him. Scary as hell down there.” You groan loudly.
“Birdie?” A mans voice calls out from the west and far away. “S’that you?”
“Who's that?” Joel calls out curiously— you’re just as curious as to who out here in the woods knows your voice so well. Joel helps you stand gingerly and helps you hop to the railing.
“Joel!?” The voice sounds excited and confused. Who is this strange man in the woods who knows you and your husband's voices? Joel’s face lights up and then he raises one eyebrow.
“Ken?” Joel sounds just as confused. “We’re stuck on this fuckin’ water tower.” Joel calls out to him. Joel keeps up casual conversation with Ken about how cold it is out here.
It takes Ken ten minutes to get to you at his slow walking pace. Does no one in this fucking colony have a sense of urgency besides Connie and yourself?
“It fall or you push it!?” Ken calls up from the bottom of the tower, looking at the ladder. Joel stares down at him.
“Lil of both. You think you can push it back up here?!” Joel sounds hopeful but you already know that ladder is heavy as shit. Ken tries to pick it up but he can’t.
“Could probably go look for a couple more people. Just saw Tommy n’ Maria— the baby too, hidin’ out in a tree after the infected moved out last night. Y’all hear those explosions?” Ken asks, shielding his eyes as he looks up at Joel.
“Tommy n’ Maria? Tomas?” Joel asks like Ken didn’t just say where they were. You blink at the side of Joel’s face. Is he really big 'n dumb? No. You know he isn't, he is just happy about his brother and extended family... you hope this as you eye him up and down with pinched brows.
“Safe. They’re good, don’t worry man. I’m glad you got your Bird. Where’s the girls?”
“With Connie and Lucas!” You look down and call to Ken. “Had to come find this guy!” You point to the man next to you. Ken nods.
“Smart. Lucas might be a lil dull but he’ll protect your babes and Connie with his whole life. Good kid.” Ken looks all around and sighs. “I got all turned around the night of the raid. Couldn’t find my way back in the dark. Didn’t have my compass or nothin’. Been wanderin’ around ‘till I found Tommy. He sent me this way. Said you’d be here if you made it.” Ken looks back up at the two of you on the tower.
“How far is Tommy?” Joel looks up like he might be able to see him in the treetops.
“Eh, four or five miles back the way I came. Went to the factory we’re all supposed to be at. No one was there. Bunch of infected movin’ through that way. Too dangerous.”
Fuck.
“Okay. I need you to run, Ken. Run and go get Tommy. He’ll be able to help you with that ladder. My girls are waitin’ on us, Ken. Bring Maria and Tomas and we’ll all go back together.”
You watch Ken take off into the woods. He heads west where he had come from and you hope that Tommy and Maria and baby Tomas all make their way back to you safely. As you do, Joel snakes his arm around your waist as you steady yourself on your one good stupid leg. You look up at Joel who is smiling stupidly.
“Don’t even ask if I wanna fool around. You almost had your chance last night n’ got all distracted by the explosions off in the distance.” You snap at him. You are not mad at Joel for anything. Not even pushing that stupid ladder down because you helped him do that. You’re just frustrated and cold and in pain. Fuck.
Joel sits with his back to the basin and you’re between his legs. He’s wrapped his arms around you and you’re trying to hard to sleep because there is nothing else to do. Nothing. You’re just waiting and also getting sun-burnt. That happens, even when there is snow on the ground. That’s awesome. If your thigh didn’t hurt bad enough now your cheeks are burnt and red. You don’t sleep at all while Joel snores behind you. You love that man so much but he is just pissing you off right now. You need a nap and a snack. Popcorn would be so nice. You could weep. Silently. You're so tired.
It takes the group of three adults and little baby who isn’t really little anymore, three more hours to get back to you.
Tommy and Ken get the ladder back to you two at the top. It takes them so long. Joel has his hands on your shoulders, leaning in to look you right in the eyes.
“You can go real slow. Take yer’time. Relax.” Joel is trying to give you a pep talk.
“You wanna demonstrate how someone would go down a ladder with one leg? Hm?” You nod your head down to it. Ken and Tommy are trying to steady it down at the bottom. Thankfully… there is a slight angle to the ladder. It’s not just a vertical up and down like it had been attached to the water tower. “You know many one legged ladder climbers?” You shrug your shoulders at him.
“Watch it.” Joel narrows his eyes. “Trynna be helpful and you wanna be a brat.” Joel snaps at you. “You wanna sit up here while I go find rope? Then bring it all the way back to you? By the time you work up the nerves to let me lower you down Nora will be outta diapers. Use your arms, Birdie-girl.”
“Uhhhhh. Do you think that I am one of your patrol friends? Have you ever seen me lift anything heavier than that fucking baby in months?” You are not weak but you’re not going to be able to arm and hand shimmy your way down there. Who does he think you are? “Piggy back me down?”
Joel thinks for a second.
“You’ll be able to hold on to me with your one good leg and weak ass arms?” Joel stares at you.
“Are you trying to be funny or is this a serious question?” You stare back at him. You are so ready to sleep. You might be suffering from audio and visionary hallucinations right now. Did he even say that?
“Th’fuck are you two doin’ up there? Getch’er thumbs outta your asses and let’s fucking get back to the colony. Tomas get’s fussy around now. Don’t wanna be out here later than we have to be.” Tommy calls up to you.
“I’ll go first. I’ll be right there to—”
“Get knocked down and then we both die and our kids grow up with Connie and Lucas? Awesome. Sounds good, let's go.” You motion to the ladder with your hand. “Love this idea.’
“Lose the attitude, Bird. Seriously. I’m just as ready to go see our girls as you are. Knock it off n’ grow up.” Joel starts down the ladder. I’ll be waitin’ for your ass down there.”
That sonofabitch left you up here! He’s waiting for you on the ladder but he left. You… are too scared to try getting down that ladder on your own. That’s why you were so snappy. So attitudinal. Because you’re fretful — as Joel would say. Fretful and sleep deprived.
“I’m scared.” You hiss quietly at him from your place on the ledge. “Come get me.” You order through a clenched jaw. You're looking down now at Tommy and Ken holding the ladder and you realize how bad you have to pee at this moment. You are so high up. How many feet did you say last night? You could weep again.
“Bird..." Joel tests the ladder with his weight and then looks back up at you. "I can’t piggyback you. With the angle this thing’s on, it’d slip if we both did it. You have to wait until I’m down there.” He starts down the ladder while still talking to you. "It'll be okay, Bird. Just try and lay on the ladder as much as you can... slide down real slow." He shows you what he means and you do start to weep silently. You're so fucking scared.
“What!?”
Joel just nods at you sadly. No! You’re not going to be able to do it. It’s so high up. So far down. Shit. The image of Ellie with Nora strapped to her chest on her way to Arizona does very little for your bravery. You’re going to die and then just add Joel to that image and that’s it. No you. Just memories. You’ll be flat down here under this empty tower. Joel gets down to the bottom so fast. You’re angry with him for doing it fast. He should have gone slow so no one hates you for how slow you are about to move. He should have done it slower so you looked fast. Sonofabitch.
You're on your hands and knees, looking at the basin, your ass hanging off the ledge for all your friends and husband to look at. It’s covered in mud from when you fell off your horse the other day– you look like Nora after a blow out. Embarrassing. The things your telling yourself you can do out loud to work yourself up are… interesting.
“You are a great mom. You have perfect tits. Your husband loves your velvety pussy. You killed Ava– stabbed that cunt right in the fuckin' heart. She deserved it. That stupid bitch. You pushed Joel’s giant child out of your fucking vagina with a hole in your stomach. You are strong. You are worth it.” You are still on the ledge of this fucking water tower and haven’t moved an inch.
“C’mon, Birdie! You can do it, just go slow! Relax!” Joel calls up to you. If you move any slower you are going to die on this ladder. Your bad leg is the one you drop down to the rung first. You put no weight on it as you hold yourself on the ledge with your hands.
Oh my god.
You have both feet on the ladder but you are still up on the very top. You put your hands on the top rung and lean your body against the ladder as hard as you can. You drop your bad leg down to the rung below the one you're standing on and now this is where it gets hard. With as much upper body strength that you have– which is not a lot– you have to lower yourself down to the next rung so your good foot can take the weight on it and then you move your hands down. Over and over again. So many times you're going to have to do that.
You do it once and then your arms start to shake. You are now completely stuck. Can’t pull yourself up on the ledge, can’t move down.
“I’m stuck!” You whimper-call to Joel nervously. “Really stuck.” This is whispered to yourself because this is something to be fretful about. You are shaking, and at least one-hundred and forty feet in the air. Shaking like a fucking leaf. The ladder starts to vibrate and wiggle underneath you. Joel is coming to get you. Save the day. Thank…fuck.
Then the ladder slips— kind of a lot. You see the six inches of excess ladder that had been leaned up against the ledge very quickly turned into only two inches.
“Stop!” You shriek at Joel. He stops moving and you look down at him. “It fucking moved!"
Joel stares up at you in disbelief. He was already fifteen feet in the air coming to get you. Tommy and Ken are also freaking out below you, calling Joel back down to the ground. You watch as Joel slowly starts to move down the ladder. You flick your eyes back up to the ladder that is still resting on the ledge. It doesn’t move again.
That maybe gave you a little strength to do four more rungs and now you have to stop and let your arms stop burning. You have been putting as much pressure on your bad leg as you can. It’s a teeth gritting and ‘groaning coming from deep in your throat’ kind of pain.
“Perfect baby, you got it! Go slow. Rela—” This is the ninth time he has said the word relax to you.
“Stop telling me to relax! You’re not helping!” You snap at him as you wipe the sweat off your forehead with your forearm as you take a break. “Fuck.” You exclaim to no one.
“Bird, you are doing a great job! No one’s rushin’ you, Birdie-girl!” Tommy calls up encouragingly. He is not your husband so you cannot tell him to shut up even though you appreciate the words. Voices are distracting you. Concentration is needed for this and they’re fucking it all up!
You get down sixty-two more rungs— you count them all— when it happens. You feel it on the ladder before you hear Joel and Tommy freaking out below you. The ladder slips the rest of the way.
You’re weightless. You get that ‘lost your stomach’ feeling inside of you when all of your organs try to stay up but you’re going down. You are watching the ground barreling towards you and you don’t even know how to react. Are you fucking falling at least twenty, twenty five feet. You are jolted to a halt, your body slamming against the ladder which feels solid again. You do not have time to react to this solid ladder sensation underneath you before you're rolling off the side of it. You're looking up at the sky when you fall. You feel it when you hit the ground.
“I fell?” Words– if you can call them that– hurt so bad. You don’t know what air is. Never met it. Will possibly never know air. You cannot breathe. Gasping for this stranger 'air' that does not want to know you for some reason. "I fell." You declare this silently because you cannot breathe. It is a statement because you did fall. The ladder got stuck on a support beam. It's literally still laying on it above you. You close your eyes and try to meet this stranger 'air' you've never met before.
"Feel your legs? Arms?” Joel's voice. He is an angel sent from heaven to take you away from this pain in your chest. You open your eyes and he's hovering over you with worry in his eyes. It's more than worry, Joel is fucking terrified. He just watched you fall from what felt like the top of the water tower. It was maybe twenty five feet. Max. Still hurt..so bad.
“I feel it all. Everything.” You wheeze out. “I really fell?” Air is no longer a stranger to you. He hurts you. Your chest and back ache. You feel all the pain. It's just a dull ache everywhere now as you lay in the snow. Joel nods down at you again, looking less worried now. “Uuugggghhhhhhhh.” You just groan as loudly as you can and then close your eyes. “I’m tired of this fuckin’ shit.”
“I’ll carry you.” Joel tries to help you up but you stay limp because you cannot fathom getting out of the snow right now. No. “Birdie…c’mon. We gotta go.” He tries to not sound annoyed but you can hear it. Your eyes snap open and you glare at him.
“I know we have to go. I just almost died.” You close your eyes again and start to weep. “I’m so tired. I’ve never not slept this long. Everything hurts now. Not just my leg. I really fell.” You sound so sad. Joel is on his knees beside you.
“Baby, I know. If you get up right now we can try our damnedest to get back to our girls. Sleep all in the bed together. Please Birdie. I need you to get up.” The desperation in his eyes and voice now makes your heart hurt– the only part of you that was not currently hurt.
Fuck.
Joel has you on his back and you have your face pressed into his back. Your thigh is on fire. Hurts so fucking bad. Joel is trying so hard to just carry you on your back and not have to carry you by your legs. Poor man is hunched over. Maria walks beside you with Tomas wrapped to her back.
“How did you keep him warm for two nights in a tree?” You ask quietly. Maria smirks and flicks her eyes up at Tommy.
“There was an old hunting tree-stand that we hid out on. Tommy built a fire on that. Tended to it all night while Tomas and I slept in the tree. He found the tree-stand a while ago on a scouting trip. Showed me where it was when I got pregnant and said to meet him here if something like this happened.” Maria smiles at Tommy's back and then looks down at the snow and looks over at you. She knows you're ready to get home and be with the girls.
You are going to twist Joel’s right nipple so fucking hard. So hard.
“Sorry, Birdie. Never thought we’d be split up. Fuckin’ too comfortable.” Joel sounds disappointed in himself. Okay.
Truth of the matter is… after Nora, Joel wanted to plan everything out. All of his plans were the two of you together. Every single one. Joel, Bird, Ellie and Nora all go outside the wall together. Never imagined the fucking wall being blown to bits all over the fucking place. And you didn’t wanna hear about it. You were a brand new mom with fears and anxieties and he’d keep you up at night with plans. You told him to stop. So you have no real right to be upset with Joel. You both are big n’ dumb sometimes.
The group of you walk for hours. The sun goes down and as you near the colony you see that the fires have gone out. You hadn’t even noticed the smoke not in the sky anymore. You had stopped looking because it hurt so bad to look and still see smoke.
“You think it’s safe? You think everyone’s back?” You whisper to Joel. You worry about what the future holds for your little family. Just got the best thing that ever happened to you back and you might not have a home to bring her back to. The thought makes you swallow hard.
“We can go look in the morning. I really don’t know.” He turns his head to whisper back to you. As you walk past the wall you realize the fire is still smoldering. Smoke isn’t as thick anymore. The holes are bigger- more wide. Looks like some of the fire spread to within the colony. Your home possibly. You’ll go see tomorrow.
“Birdie, my fuckin’ back. Can you limp? I’ll take most of yer’weight I just can’t do this anymore.” Joel sounds pained. He did carry you like this so far. You are impressed he made it as far as he did. There were two miles left to your cabin
Nope. Sure can’t. He sets you down and you try to take one step forward and stumble right into Joel who was anticipating this.
“I got her, man. Don’t worry. You went far as hell, s’long as you don’t care. Don’t wanna be funny with your Bird.” Ken offers but holds his hands up in innocence. “Just don’t want to sleep outside again tonight. Cold.”
“Please.” You hold your arms out to Ken as Joel leans as far back as he can with his hands on his slides.
“Please– take her. I can’t fuckin’ do it anymore. Hurt it enough runnin’ with you on my back like that last night.” Joel groans, leaning forward and stretching muscles as much as he can.
Joel did save your life last night. For the second time. You love him. So much.
Ken carries you piggyback as you direct them back to your cabin. It’s eerily quiet. There are no lights. It looks abandoned like the one you would meet Joel at. Ellie is the open who flings open the door as the six of you climb onto the porch together. Her eyes are locked on Joel who is frozen on the bottom step.
It’s very quiet. No one moves. Ellie just looks at him. Your eyes flick between her and Joel for an achingly long time before she is the one that moves. Joel had been too scared. Didn’t want to be rejected by her. She slams into him with such force that he stumbles back three steps before he can get his arms around her.
Ken sets you down right outside the front door but you go inside with them. You let Joel and Ellie have their moment in the snow. They need it with no audience. As much as you love them… they went through so much without you. They bonded for almost a year before you came around. This was hurting them badly.
Joel stares at Ellie in his arms and he has tears in his eyes because he genuinely did not think he would ever see this girl again. The image of her bloody and crying- pulling you out of that burning building runs through his head because he thought he sent you to die in there with Ellie, but no. Ellie had been dragging you by the coat to safety and when Joel ran to her and grabbed her by the shoulders but she fought him because she was so scared. The way she melted into him once she realized that it was in fact Joel, was what she was doing now, melting into him. Sobbing softly with her arms around his neck. Joel hugs her for so long before he carries her to the porch. He sits her down on the chair out there and kneels in front of her, taking her chin in his hand.
"Do you remember that talk we had in your room before we left for salt lake? Day or two before we picked up Bird. You remember?" Joel looks at her red cheeked, tear stained face. She nods. "S'all bullshit. I was just so scared to fail you, Ellie, n' I did. I fucked up. Wasn't 'till we got back here n' had time to think... with a quiet mind that didn't always have to think about ways to keep you alive... I started feelin' real bad fer'what I did... lyin' to you in th'car." Joel pauses and sighs softly. "Started to get hard to look at you 'cause I knew I lied to you..." Joel swallows hard. "I know you say you would have come back now... with all the good things n' Bird n' Nora... the house... but then... I thought you'd hate me and I couldn't have one daughter dead n' the other one hatin' me forever. I couldn't. So I lied n' I'm real sorry for that. Really."
Ellie's eyes scans Joel's face for more lies. More false honestly that is just trying to keep her around or protect her feelings or his heart. She can't tell if he is being honest or not. It's scaring the fucking shit out of her. She hugged Joel so hard because she thought he was dead. She knew her Mom was going to come home. She had held her Mom and baby sister in her arms for too long to think that she wouldn't. But Ellie thought Joel was dead. Gone. It scared her because she had so much to say to him but now she knew no words. She was scared to speak because if she said to much she would cry and she was tired of crying in front of Joel. Joel was staring into Ellie's eyes. She doesn't think a minute has gone by that he hasn't been looking at her.
"Okay." She whispers because she does love Joel. So much, knew that she loved him and she remembers the talk in her bedroom. She remembers what they said and she remembers how fucking hard it hit her when he said he wasn't her dad. He felt like it then! He sure did fucking feel like it so when he said that it fucking bit her hard. But she bit him too when she told him she wasn't his daughter. She was mad at him for wanting to split up. "I'm safest with you. I was scared." Her stupid fifteen year old eyes deceive her. She blinks new tears away and Joel wipes them away with his thumbs.
"You wanna come home with us tomorrow?" Joel wipes her fifteen year old tears off her cheeks and hopes more than anything she says yes. She needs to say yes otherwise it's kidnapping.
"Mom said I if I try to leave or she will fight me and lock me in the basement."
"Birdie-girl said that?!" Joel exclaims and pinches his brows together in disbelief. Ellie nods.
"Said she's gotta really fuckin' parent me now or somethin' stupid like that." Ellie smirks at Joel for the first time in months.
Connie is holding Nora in your face as you turn around from the door after it shuts.
“She shits. All the time. Stinky ass fuckin’ shits, Birdie. What do you feed her? Jesus.” Connie looks horrified.
“Oh did you not like the practice?” You take your baby and lean against the wall as you kiss all over her face and smell her hair. She stinks but you don’t care she stinks like your little baby girl. Nora is giggly and happy. Excited to see her Mom. She looks just as tired as you.
“What happened? You get caught up somewhere?” Lucas asks slowly.
“I can’t. I need to sleep. Bed. Now.” You cannot move. You are stuck against this wall and cannot hop to bed with your baby in your arms. Connie takes her from you. Lucas helps you into your old bedroom.
You climb in and you get your boots off and Connie gives you Nora again. You lay down in your winter jacket with her and stroke her face gently.
“I’m so happy to be here with you and your sisters.” You kiss her forehead. You stroke her cheeks and forehead with your index finger gently. You want to give Ellie and Dina hugs. Kiss their foreheads but your body aches so badly. You can barely keep your eyes open.
“Mom.” Her not so little girl voice whispers in your ear. You hum in response with your eyes still closed. “Thanks for getting him back.” Then you feel her lips on your forehead. “Go back to sleep. I’m glad you’re safe.”
You feel her curl up into your stomach and wrap your arm around her. This is the best dream ever. Another warm body is behind you, kissing the back of your neck gently. His hand touches the back of your good thigh. This is when you open your eyes.
Ellie is curled up in front of you. You turn your head and see Joel with Nora on his chest. You can close your eyes again. Everyone is here and you are here with them. Dina must be on the couch. She was sitting there looking like she maybe had just took a lashing from Ellie when you walked in. That girl was fuckin' good at 'em. You feel bad for Dina but not really. That tramp broke your daughters heart. You just couldn't leave her to die in the colony because she is also perfect. Son of a bitch.
It’s much later when you wake up fully. You have no winter jacket on. The sweet girl is still in front of you but she is not curled up. Ellie is sprawled out like a starfish and she has her hand on your face. You move it gently. When you turn your head, you’re greeted with the sweetest sight.
Joel has Nora on his chest. Her fat little cheek is resting right between his pecs. Her lips are all smooshed together and her hair is all stuck in Joel’s facial hair. He’s snoring softly. This beautiful sight is then ripped away from you by the jolting, aching pain in your body. All over. You basically got hit by a bus. Fell twenty five feet. Could have fucking died.
You are not going back to sleep and now you wish you had a weed brownie. Or a joint. Or whiskey. Something. Anything. You move to lay on your back and let out the most strained and quiet breathy groan as you do it.
“Sore?” Joel whispers to you.
“So sore.” You murmur back to him.
“Can you stop doin’ shit like that? Stop almost dyin’. I mean it.” Joel whispers as his hand finds your good thigh and he rubs the backs of his fingers against the outside. Ellie stirs next to you and puts her hand back on your face. You leave it there. Joel chuckles and moves it up to your forehead for you.
“Thanks.” Is all your able to manage. More words hurt.
“I’ll figure it all out, Birdie. I promise.” He whispers to you as he stokes your thigh lovingly.
Notes:
^ look it this stupid assholedo you know how hard it is to write about a water tower?
disclaimer: I'm the one who doesn't know distance or height at all- it's me. So, I'm sorry twenty feet and one hundred and sixty five feet are basically the same thing to me when it comes to trying to explain things so. I'm sorry. I googled how high a water tower usually is and that's the answer. I also don't know how heavy a metal ladder that reaches to the top of a water tower would be. I don't know how many rungs are on it or anything. I don't even know if that would be or if that is even a plausible way to get down from a water tower. I don't know much about 'em. I don't have many to go look at around me. I'm sorry. Also don't know what the fuck a mile looks like. Not even close. So, I did my best with what my brain and computer gave me. I love you all so very much.
Chapter 25: An Absolute Barnstormer
Summary:
You find out what the inside of your colony looks like.
an absolute barnstormer- the callous daoboys
Notes:
okay, hey. What's up? How are you guys?
awesome.
I hate this chapter so much. I wrote it seventeen different times and this garbage heap is the only thing that stuck and I don't know how else to make it better. :] I did my best and I apologize if you all hate this chapter too.
don't hate me for too long, I promise- things will get better next chapter
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The four men take Ellie to scout the inside of the wall the next morning. Check on the damage. Some people are already there or never left and stayed hidden. Tommy and Ken take out any left over infected and start to discard of them as soon as they can while Lucas and Joel take survey of the things they need to fix first. Supplies they would need to scout for, whose houses are okay and whose aren't. They come back to get you a couple hours later and you are back in your own house that same day. There was a meeting that night in the town square.
Tommy and Joel got up on the front steps of the town hall in front of everyone who had come back to the colony. There weren’t nearly as many as there used to be. Tommy was the most Senior patrol guy left. No one else higher up than him had made it or come back, and no one else wanted the job. Not Ken or Lucas. Nobody, not even really Joel but Tommy wanted Joel to be his number two in rebuilding this place. Joel would know what to do if Tommy didn't. This is when you find out what Tommy thinks happened.
“Them three travelers that came down from Seattle month or two ago— we're thinkin’ they were raiders. Scopin’ this place out. We ain’t think nothin’ of ‘em ‘cause one was an old man and the other two were young girls. Seventeen or so… they had full run of this place while we let ‘em rest up and eat our food. They knew when Connie’s wedding was. Has a big sign for it right in the worship hall and the town hall so everyone knew to come.” Tommy looks so frustrated and so does Joel. Shit. “They knew there would be less patrol out that day. We’d all be in one spot. We’d all be drunk and unprepared.”
“Never th'fuck again.” Joel cuts in. “We don’t know ‘em? They don’t get in. We don’t like how they’re movin’ outside that wall? We shoot ‘em.” His eyes are dark. Scary dark. Wow, this is a different Joel. “Done bein’ comfortable. Y’all should be, too. We forgot what th’fuck is out there. Who th’fuck is out there.”
“We are thinkin’ townsfolk are gonna come back. We think they’ll come back slow. Families or singles whatever— we need to know ‘em. You come across someone you don’t recognize… find Joel or I. Find Ken. We’ve been here, we work on the town. Hell, I helped build this place. I do know almost everyone.” Tommy sighs. “You have any funny feelin’s about it– come to us.”
“We say you… because every single person here— men, women– we all are going to be out there. Eyes fuckin’ peeled ‘cause we got seven different entry points now. We need men on the ground n’ women on the wall at all times. No fuckin’ around. No playin’. Watchin ’.” Joel spoke loudly to the crowd of nearly one hundred and ten people. “You don’t help— you don’t stay. This isn’t like last time. You need to pull your weight to earn your place. Sick n’ old are the only exceptions. There are less houses, less food and less fucking everything.” Joel spoke so clearly. "We'll get workin' on a plan while you all try and find some shelter if your houses were burned or destroyed in the explosions or by raiders. Everyone is pitching in though. Kids will watch kids- babysitters for the town. Adults are on the wall twenty four seven until we are finished rebuilding and reinforcing." Joel is so serious.
"We just need to work together. Help each other out the best we can. This is our home. Has been for a while n' were not just gonna abandon it. We're real lucky that the infected were close and the raiders had to clear out before they could actually do much raiding... but that doesn't mean they won't be back. We have to stay prepared. Stay alert. Speak up if you see anything that doesn't look right- makes you feel uneasy. You all should be uneasy right now." Tommy and Joel end their speech and Joel holds your hand as you gimp yourself back home. No more being piggy backed. You can put some weight on it. Nora is strapped to Ellie's chest at the older siblings request and she walks a couple feet ahead of you.
"I can't believe were going to sleep in our bed tonight." You whisper up to him as you snake your hand into his back pocket. You take a handful of his ass and squeeze because he was so hot up there talking to the townspeople. You were watching and listening to him almost not even paying attention to what he was actually saying because all you could think about was how you were going to take him deeper. Deep as he could go. Your throat was fine, you weren't incredibly high. Wouldn't be doing that for a while. Need to be clear headed. Not stoned- but your mouth would work for him tonight.
It does. You do it in the bathroom that's not connected to your bathroom because your girls are asleep in your bed and you and Joel are good parents. So Joel held the sides of your head and pushed himself down your throat and you made him come because you love him. Then he left you to go cut trees down and be a real man who helps his community and you love him for that. So fucking much. You crawl into bed after a much needed shower. Nora stirs and starts to cry.
Ellie pops her head up from Joel's side of the bed and gasps quietly.
"Shhhh. No. Nora.. shhhh. It's okay. SHhhhhhh. Where's the spam!?" She whispers nervously in her heavy sleep. You run your fingers through her hair as you hold Nora close to your chest with one arm. Ellie lays her head back down and closes her eyes.
"S'okay, Squeaker-bug. We're home. She can cry. We're all home in bed." You whisper down to her soothingly. "You sleep. You rest. Dad's gonna keep us all safe, cut down more trees for the wall and then Momma-Bird is gonna keep watch tomorrow night." Ellie is snoring and not listening to you. She did not need your words of comfort to go back to bed. She's drooling all over Joel's pillow.
Patti looks at you. She has a cut on her cheek and her white sweater is kind of dirty and you feel bad for her. You do like that her sweater is dirty because she looks and feels a little more like you now. Comforting in some dumb, weird, morbid way.
“What happened?” You whisper at her nervously. This is the first time you have seen her since you got back. It's the following day after the meeting your sexy fucking husband and his brother spoke at. Joel went deeper than he did the first time and you asked him to because he was so fucking hot up there talking about shooting people. You could barely keep your hands off him on the way home.
“Well, I went to the wedding and went to visit with Don instead of going to the reception. I was close to his house when the gate explosion went off. The inital one. I grabbed him and brought him here. I have more weapons than him. We stayed tucked away and quiet like we’re good at. We’re far away from the center of the city, they didn’t bother us.” She chuckles like you guys don’t have seven giant holes in the wall. Joel was out there right now cutting down trees, working overtime. Literally pulling a double shift. Like he’s a fucking superhero lumberjack. He’s lucky you let him go out there without you strapped to his chest like Nora.
“I’m really glad you’re okay. I was worried about you.” You sit back in your chair and sigh. You have been feeling alright. Not sad. Haven't really had time to focus on it. You were busy with worrying about so many other things. You slept so good next to Joel the night you got back to your cabin. Slept good the following night in your own bed.
“What about you? You knocked and I almost shot you.” Patti smiles with a soft chuckle like it’s a kind and funny thing to say.
“Oh.” You didn’t know she had a fuckin’ gun pointed at you through that door! “Patricia! I come to check on my favorite lady and you almost fuckin’ shoot me?” You roll your eyes at her because all your blood just pooled in your feet when she said that and you did come close to dying that day. Just add it to the fucking list.
“I didn’t though.” She winks at you. “It’s an honor to be your favorite lady. You're pretty special yourself.” She leans back and tilts her head at you. “Coming to check on me. Very thoughtful. Only one to come check. I don’t blame anyone at all for not coming, but… I prayed for you a little more and a little harder while were out there. Your whole family.” She gives you a different smile. It’s kind and it’s sweet but it’s real. It’s not manufactured for therapy and making you feel at ease. This is Patricia. She is real and not just your therapist.
“I was gonna have you come with us. Figured I could keep you safe and we could do sessions every night somewhere in the woods. Fair trade, I thought.” You smirk at her softly. She chuckles and lets her head fall back as the chuckles mature into laughter.
“Doing therapy with you everyday- in the woods no less? I’ll go with the raiders.” Patti says through her laughter.
You love her. Once she said she wasn’t coming with you… which you thought she for sure would come! You had to check on her as soon as you dropped Ellie and Nora to Connie's who would be the towns babysitter until the wall was up. The older kids would help when needed but you guys didn't need them yet. Needed them to stay safe so Connie watched everyone's kids in her house like the fucking saint she is. More practice for her growing family. She's copying you. Took Dina right out from under your nose! Baby on the way!
“Speaking of the woods…how was your time outside the—” Patti starts but you cut her off with the craziest shit she has ever heard.
“Patti I fell off a water tower. Like sixty five feet. I almost fuckin’ died again.” You stare at her. She pinches her brows at you and scolds you with a pointed finger and stern words.
“You did not fall sixty five feet you would be dead!” She is calling your ass out because you did not fall that far. Your latter might have slipped at sixty five feet, you might have held on to that ladder and free fell for fortyish feet but you bounced off that ladder and fell like twenty feet to the ground. Which was fucking terrifying. You're shocked your going up on the wall tonight. Shocked.
“It felt like I fell from the very top, Patti! Does the distance really matter!? Almost cracked my fuckin' sternum open!” You roll your eyes at her. “Ellie came back home though.” You say through a smile you couldn’t hide if you tried.
“Change her mind?” Patti is smiling at you with very warm and happy eyes. A real smile.
“Yeah. She’s calling me mom again- all the time. Slips up and calls Joel- Joel sometimes, but she’s calling him dad again, too. I think she’s nervous. Trusting is scaring. Even when the trust isn’t lost, it’s fucking scary to put your trust in someone.” You chuckle to yourself and smile into your lap. Your hands are calm in your lap.
"You're not wrong. Trust is something that comes naturally to children until they are told to not trust strangers. Until the world shows them that trusting someone can get you hurt and or heartbroken. Turns you into a lonely adult when that happens." Patti nods like she might know from experience. "I'm glad your daughter was able to be willing to try and move past it." She gives you a reassuring look and then her eyes flash with worry. "The young girl that was with you when you came, she okay?” Patrica asks with worry.
“Oh yeah. Dina? She’s staying with Connie and Lucas. I guess she’d rather stay there, I don’t blame her. Dina and Connie got close while I was laying in bed everyday. I missed out on a lot.” You're sad you missed out on watching their relationship flourish. You also feel terrible for letting Dina down when she clearly needed someone. Let your daughter down and Dina didn't even wanna try to be your daughter because you sucked so bad. No you are a little sad but you're still not gonna lay in bed all day. Gonna be a good mom for Ellie and Nora. “Sucks that Joel and I aren't going to be spending much time together. He's on tree duty. I have to patrol a section of the wall tonight while the guys work on the wall.” That also makes you sad. Shit.
“Good for you. I’m happy for you. I’m glad you’re well and your house is safe.”
“Me too. Tommy and Maria our neighbors now. Their house caught fire. So fuckin’ sad. It was so pretty in there.” You're also sad for Maria. She worked hard to make her house beautiful and she is sad it's gone. You are sad for her too. More sad. Fuck.
“Did being out there bring back any bad memories from when you were with your dad?” Patti wants to talk about your dad… so badly. You don't. You had almost forgotten you assisted in his death again.
“No. I like being in the woods. I prefer it kinda secluded. Not too many people, but… I don’t even want to say it– don’t want to jinx it, but it was like a reminder of who I used to be. Before Joel and the girls. It was a nice little reminder. Kinda trust myself a little more. I didn’t have anyone else to pick up the slack out there. No bed to lay in. Had to really put it in survival mode again.” You chew at the inside of your bottom lip nervously. “Afraid that’s all gonna go away when things settle down again.”
“Prevent it. Prevention. Do your yoga and meditate. I know you don’t want to journal again. I understand. But do those things now while you feel good and don’t start when it’s too late. That’s where you’ll find yourself in trouble. Don’t just think you’re fixed now. Keep up on those healthy inputs so you can output that negativity and anxiety. The fear.”
“Okay.” You are going to do those things but you are busy. Very busy. So much busier than before this raid took place.
“I mean it. Focus on a routine. Morning meditation. Yoga before bed. Eating three meals a day. Try. It will become easier. You keep coming here and talking and letting the things out like you have been… it will get easier, Birdie. I mean it.” She has hope in her eyes for you and you want to hug her but she only did it the one time. So you don’t push your luck. You go home to your girls now because you need to nap before you do your turn on patrol. Got a new Kevlar vest though and Joel gave you one of his bandannas. So you are excited.
Nora crawls to you as you open the door.
“Who is that giant baby crawling to me like she missed me or something?” You scoop her up and smooch all over her face. She grabs your cheeks and slaps them gently over and over. “Ouch ouch ouch ouch. Why you hurt your mom?” You tease.
“That was the plan. You come in– Nora distracts you and then I was going to jump on you but I forgot your leg is still all fucked.” Ellie frowns as she comes around the door you had just opened. She startles you, that little shit. “Patti okay?” She asks with worry in her eyes even though she never met the woman once.
The gash on Ellie's forehead is cleaned and has no bandage on it because she said she looks stupid. You told her that getting the gash on her forehead because she hit a tree branch was stupid. She said the bruise on your forehead looks even more stupid. You left it alone after that because it hurt your feelings. Your forehead is the first thing people see on you and it's bruised to shit. You have two rivet marks on your stupid forehead from your stupid husband saving your stupid life.
“I did talk to Patti, she is okay. She told me to tell you that you stink like shit, and you should cook dinner tonight.” You kiss her forehead as you limp into the kitchen to cook them dinner because you do that now. Never not cooking them dinner again.
“Therapist sounds dumb as shit.” Ellie starts to take the baby from you then stops and gives you squinted eyes. “You on ‘trollin duty tonight?” She asks with suspicion. You nod with a raised eyebrow as you grab bread. S’all you got. Bread and formula for Nora. Joel needs to go hunting. Fuck this sucks.
“Yeah. Gotta be there at midnight.” You sigh. Ellie’s eyes soften and she takes the bread from you.
“Go take a nap, holy shit, M-B. Go. I’ll make Nora dinner. You can’t be exhausted up there. Seriously, you gotta be alert.” Ellie looks at you with her remarkably similar to Joel’s eyes– they’re soft and she looks worried about you.
“Ellie…I appreciate that so much. Go play with Nora and I’ll make you guys something. You wanna feed her dinner for me? Fair trade, then you aren’t doin’ it all?” You pull her into a hug and kiss the top of her head. You linger and smell her hair and take her in. This is the best feeling.
“I really don’t mind. S’just gonna be toast and butter. Maybe your jam.A bottle. Dad says he’s going to take me hunting tomorrow or the next night– we’ll get meat soon. We’ll be fine.” She rests her head on your chest as Nora grabs Ellie’s hair and yanks. “Holy shit, you poop goblin. Let me fuckin’ go.” Ellie groans and pulls her head away from you abruptly. Nora holds on tight. You chuckle and pry Nora's incredibly strong fingers out of Ellie's long brown hair.
"You need another trim soon. We can do it tomorrow or something." You inspect her dead ends and are appalled.
"I'm growing it out." She pulls her hair from your hands slowly and pulls it back behind her head.
"I will teach you about why you're wrong another night." You set Nora on the ground and take the bread back from Ellie. "We have meat in the freezer and the power stayed on so we will be good for a while, Bug. I just didn't think to take any out today but we'll do a nice dinner tomorrow or the next night whenever we can all sit down together again, okay?" You make them so much bread with butter and jam and you had one egg hidden on the counter that they shared. Nora get's a bottle and then Ellie insists you go lay down and she will bring Nora to bed whenever she get's tired. You do not argue because you have to be on the wall soon until seven the next morning- Patrolling.
Ellie is on Joel’s side of the bed and Nora is between the two of you. It’s eleven p.m and you are just waking up from your glorious nap in the best bed and you fuckin’ missed this thing. Holy shit.
You kiss both of the girls gently and place your pillow on your side of Nora so she won’t roll and go make yourself a coffee. Joel is coming through the front door as you enter the kitchen.
“Birdie-girl.” He coos into your ear from behind as you stand at the kitchen sink. His hands are on your waist, his body pressed into you gently. “You sure your leg is good enough? You're limpin' real bad." His voice could put you right back to sleep, so soothing. So comforting.
"Yeah. Hurt's like hell but I'm not laying in bed waiting for it to get better. I'm gonna help. It'll be fine." You reassure him as he holds you close to him, resting his chin on your shoulder.
"Not gonna argue, we need the bodies out there. Nothin' crazy tonight so far. Hope it stays that way." He sighs. "I miss sleepin' in bed with you. These opposite shifts are the worst. I made this schedule?" He grumbles in frustration.
“You did it so one of us was always home with them at night. Oh, speaking of them- Ellie is on your side of the bed again.” You chuckle quietly. Joel’s body is gone from behind you and you hear is quiet, rushed footsteps to the bedroom to make sure that you are telling the truth. He comes back to you with pinched brows.
“Why do you do that?!" He exclaims quietly. You are chuckling as you sip your coffee. "Let her sleep on your side n’ then you sleep on mine. I can’t sleep on your side, B! Y’know that. Get's my pillow all wet with her fuckin' drool. Disgusting. You’re an ass.” Joel leans in as kisses you gently on the lips once your done with your sip of coffee. “You get a good nap though?” Another kiss and then one more. You fucking love him.
“Yeah..” You sigh against his mouth. “Snuggled with them for a bit. Didn’t wanna get up.” You chuckle. “Everything goin’ alright out there?” You’re worried. Nothing feels fucking safe anymore. Joel nods and kisses you again quickly and gently.
“Yeah. Trees are comin’ down fast. Gettin’ put back up is gonna be the tricky part.” Joel wraps you up in his arms. “Be careful, B. I mean it. Keep yer'eyes peeled and keep your head in the game. Okay?" Joel kisses you again softly. Two months ago, that little 'keep your head in the game' would have sent you spiraling and wondering what he meant and he didn't trust you because of what happened in the tub but you know now... right now, that he cares about his family yes- but also the well being of the place you're trying to raise said family.
"I will. Took a good nap so I could be well rested." You smile up at him. "Thanks for not hating me I feel like I fucked up ten thousand times after that first explosion went off- it felt like every decision I made was wrong. Thanks for not hating me for it." You whisper as the smile softens. Joel tilts his head softly.
“Hate you? Fucked up? Birdie-girly, you made me so proud. You stepped up and got our girls out of here and saved Dina’s life. Came and found me. You are tough.” A gentle kiss placed directly on the corner of your mouth.
It’s like… you got punched in the stomach- in a good way, somehow- and your heart is filled with love and everything makes sense— even if it is only for right now. He’s proud of you. You haven’t felt that feeling from him in so long. Maybe since you had Nora. Proud. Of you.
“Thank you. Are you going to check on Don tomorrow?”
“Sure am. Old man better be fuckin’ okay and ready to fuckin’ talk to me— I need it."
“Patti and I did well. She kept me safe one more time. I love her for that very dearly.” Don explains. “I came back here and saw what the raiders had done and just started to work.” Don is cleaning up shattered glass off the floor of his den. Joel is helping and wishing the man would just sit down. Joel has told him eight time since he got here that Joel will fix everything for him.
Right now. He'd do everything for him. Just sit down. Don refuses.
“I’m sorry. I’m glad she was here. Fuckin’ brave of Patti—”
“She’s the most brave woman I have ever met. You should get to know her sometime. You two have more in common than you think. She is angry, just like you. Can be mean and spiteful, say terrible things to cut someone down when she is upset or scared. Sometimes overwhelmed. I care for her and have for a long time… and am also a therapist so I know not to take it personally. You Birdie and most do not.” Don doesn’t look at Joel, just continues to sweep glass and leaves and mud from boots of raiders that had been inside his home from the floor.
Joel is skipping his rest to be here. Skipping his much needed sleep because he's been angry. Frustrated with himself for letting his guard down and thinking things in this place were really safe. Don wanted to talk about his anger? Fine. Joel is taping plastic over the broken windows upstairs. He already did the ones down on the first floor. He will find glass or windows somewhere— fucking make them for Don if he had to.
“Wouldn’t expect that from the way Birdie explains her.” Joel chuckles to himself.
“Birdie is her patient. She had no reason to be angry with her." Don chuckles to himself. Joel wonders what the sex is like between those two and then wonders why the fuck he is thinking about that. He just knows that Patti dominates the fuck out of Don.
“My oldest daughter is back… think she might stay with us– for good.” Joel changes the subject and smiles to himself because what the fuck? Why was he thinking about that? And also, he cannot believe his words. Sounding too good to be true. Ellie is back. Still a little hesitant with him, but he's trying. He's taking her hunting with him when he has the time today or tomorrow.
“Congratulations. That is wonderful news. At least something good came from this terrible tragedy.” Don does stop sweeping and smiles happily at Joel. “You talked? Spoke about how you felt? Really told her you cared for her as if she was your own like you told me?”
“Yeah. Don’t think she is fully ready to trust me yet— don’t blame her. Don’t trust myself sometimes.” Joel drops his gaze to the floor in shame.
“Why do you say that? About yourself?”
“I lie. Simple. I don’t even mean to sometimes.” Joel chuckles even though it is not funny. “Just know it’s easier than having to tell the truth and deal with shit in the moment. Did it to Sarah all the time. I didn’t tell her things ‘cause I didn’t wanna hurt her feelings or disappoint her even though I knew I was gonna do it anyway. Untrustworthy.” Joel shrugs his shoulders as he says the last word and knows he's trying. Knows he's working on it but when will the next lie slip? He worries. He lied to Sarah about what time he'd be home one of the last times he saw her. On his birthday he lied to his daughter for no good reason other than he didn't want to look into her disappointed eyes. Then had to anyway when he got home. Idiot.
“Trust is hard. Trust takes a long time to build and seconds to break down. You have to tear your chest apart to get the trust back and even then… it’s always tainted. Always a little less strong than before.” Don’s words break Joel’s heart. He knows it’s true. Joel never trusted his ex-wife again after she hit him for the first time. Even when she apologized and said she would never do it again– and didn’t for five months— never trusted her the way she did before she hit him. Know’s thats how you and Ellie feel about him now. Fuck. "Being angry is something you have to work on every second of every day. It's no longer just something you feel. It's a reaction to things you don't like. A defense mechanism instead of an emotion. Dangerous."
“I’d tear my heart out and give it to ‘em if they’d just know I was serious n’ tryin’. I don’t wanna be the guy that makes his wife cry or yells at her on the lawn. I don’t wanna be the father whose kid’s don’t talk to him. I had friends like that before the outbreak. Didn’t speak to their parents. Never understood it— do now though.” Joel finishes taping up Don’s windows upstairs and helps him with the debris on the floor. "S'why I lie sometimes... to avoid gettin' angry. F'that makes sense?"
“You heart isn’t going to be enough. They just want the truth from here on out. If they’re here with you– they have made the choice to stay, to forgive you– don’t make them feel stupid for doing so.” Don gives Joel a grave and honest warning. "Of course it makes sense. It's an avoidance mechanism. You lie to avoid an argument. You get angry to shut people up or to hurt them into leaving so you don't have to back down. It's common but something that isn't treated with medication. You have to make the choice to not be that way. Come and talk- I'll teach you healthy coping mechanisms instead of resorting to lashing out."
Joel feels like he can breathe deeply. His lungs are full for the first time since that first explosion and he feels the tension release in his brow. How long had he been holding that there? He never remembers pinching them together? Had they been pinched this entire time!? That's so common for Joel for him to not realize he is scowling. Sonofabitch.
“Glad you’re okay. I was worried ‘bout you while I was out there.” Joel is honest. He was worried. Hoped Don would be here when they got back– if there was somewhere to come back to. Thankfully there was.
On the way back to his house to sleep so he can do his overnight tree duty tonight he thinks. He’s done a lot of fucked up shit but this is going to be the hardest. Not lying— and it’s never a malicious lie. Never. Always just trying to make things better. Not telling Ellie the truth about the hospital was to try and spare both himself and Ellie heartbreak. Never to try and hurt them or make them look stupid.
Joel gave no thought to Ava the entire time he was on the road. Never thought about her again after the last night he saw her until she popped up to his house with bread and jam for him and Ellie two days after he got back. Then you were already here and he was fucked. Shit. He had forgotten about Ava and was going to have to tell you about her.
When you asked if anything had happened… while you were in the hospital… Joel didn’t even have to lie to you because nothing had happened while you were in the hospital. Not one single thing. Everything happened before you even stepped foot inside this colony! Joel didn’t think that mattered. You two were not dating. He had stopped fucking Ava after the second to last time he saw you– the night he followed you home.
Jesus. This girl- you- has been out here alone this whole time? Walking through the woods for Joel's dick? Alone!? Damn. S'kind of an ego boost as Joel walks home that night. He didn't really think you were out here alone! Thought for sure that the next time he saw you that it would be the time your husband followed you or that you knew he was fuckin' Ava somehow since she had a big fuckin' mouth apparently but you didn't even live in that colony. Joel didn't really care if you knew about Ava- he just didn't want to listen to either of you two bitching at him about it. You never asked if he was fucking someone. He never asked you until the last time he joked with you as he was walking out- he didn't even ask! He made a joke! Neither one of you ever asked about anything. Fucked and left. That was it and that's why Joel liked it. Easy. Simple. You were cute as fuckin' hell. Made it easy to come back every four days.
Joel worries about where he is going to get sex from now that he's going back on the road. Who is going to gush on him? Who is going to make him laugh and make him feel good about himself? Who is Joel going to look forward to seeing every four days? No one. Joel is going to be lonely, cranking himself thinking about you.
Joel laid in bed that night and jerked off thinking about your ass and pussy... he had never done that before. He thought about you the day he was going to see you and then not again because why would he? You don't wanna see him more than every four days. Never even asked him to spend the night at your place. Didn't even say yes tonight when he asked if you were gonna invite him in! This was annoying Joel and he didn't know why. Never bothered him before but now you were consuming his thoughts.
What were you doing in that cabin? Right now while Joel patrolled the wall? He couldn't stop. Wanted all of a sudden to know why you didn't wanna see him more and why you didn't ask him to stay. You were cute and funny and made him laugh. Joel made you laugh! Had done it a bunch!
There is a knock on the front door and Joel is pissed before he even opens it. He doesn’t want to talk to any of these fucking people. He's annoyed- thinking about why you don't fucking like him. He was going to go to Tommy's house and talk and smoke. Jacket and boots already on. Pissed off. He opens the door and he groans audibly. He had been trying to avoid this.
Ava.
“Fuckin’ hell. I have t’go, Ava. I’m not even drunk tonight. Gimme a break.” Joel tries to push past her out the door but she slips inside before he can and now he’s stuck because he won’t physically remove her from his house. Doesn’t really wanna touch her unless he’s had a couple shots, honestly. “C’mon. I gotta go, get out.” Joel holds the front door and points outside. “Go.”
“Let’s talk about it… I know you said this wasn’t anything serious—”
“I never said that. I said this was nothin’ at all. So, I don’t know where you got that idea- wasn't me though.” Joel is still pointing outside.
“No you said you didn’t know how long you were going to be here so you didn’t really think this would go anywhere.” Ava smiles at him and pinches her shoulders into her neck bats her eyelashes.
“I don’t think that’s what I said. I think that I said ‘fucking you’ would absolutely have an expiration date. Didn’t know when that was though. Different from what you’re sayin’.” Joel hates her. She makes good bread n’ jam and supplies it often but he hates the sound of her voice. Her hair. Ugh. Only actual nice thing about her was her eyes. Even then... they were just green. Pussy was okay when he was drunk enough. She was boring and wouldn't shut up. Talked about the most unsexy stuff while she got him ready with her hands or mouth. Joel would lay there and stare at the ceiling and pray to the god he knew didn't exist to just put his dick back in her mouth or climb on it and start moanin'. Jeeeesus. Wanted to be on top all the time. Joel eventually made her face away from him so he didn't have to kiss her anymore and could look at her ass because she did have a nice ass. He was bored when they fucked. It just felt good so he let he do what she wanted... she also would fuck him more than every four days!
“Lemme come. I’ll come with you and then this doesn’t need an expiration date. We can do this all the way there n’ back.” She sounds so fucking desperate. Ugh. Joel wants to go get high with Tommy and then come home and fall asleep because tomorrow he gets to see you in two days.
“No.” Joel gives no explanation. “Git. I got places to be Ava, seriously. Go.” He nods his head now out the door with urgency. She starts to weep.
“I just don’t get it. We have fun when we—” She is weeping badly. Almost sobbing. Joel hates her so fucking much and just wants her out of his house.
“You might. I’m usually asleep before I finish. Git. I’m busy tonight- this weekend maybe.” Joel offers this suggestion to make her stop crying. “Unless I hear you sayin’ anything else to people around here ‘bout what we’re doin’. Heard from patrol guys you been runnin’ your mouth at the bar ‘bout me when I’m not there. I hear that again— Done. I mean it. I don’t need to fuck you that bad, Ava.” Joel doesn’t really give a shit who knows… he doesn’t plan on coming back here once he drops Ellie off at the hospital.
“Whatever, Joel. You’re such a dick.” Ava snaps as she leaves his house. Joel follows her down the driveway.
“S’why you’re here knockin’ almost every night on the way home from the bar after waitin’ for me to show up? Get outta here. You know you’ll get me drunk one more time before I leave. Quit yer’fuckin’ bitchin.” Joel walks behind her down the driveway. She turns right and he turns left.
Joel couldn't stop. Wondered what your favorite booze was. Wondered if you had a favorite food. Wondered if you liked shooting pistols more than rifles. Wondered if you had a preference on what side of the bed you slept on. Wondered so much about you. Then once those wonders and questions dissipated... your pussy was all he could think about and he'd touch himself thinking about pushing himself into your tight asshole again. Joel was giddy with fucking excitement when it was time to go to your cabin again. So fucking excited because he was just gonna ask. Just see what you said. What was holding you here? You were alone in the woods. Why would you not come with him to Salt Lake? You'd be someone for Ellie to talk to. Someone for him to fuck and potentially keep warm with at night. Who knows?
Joel saw you naked for the first time that night and completely and utterly lost his shit. You were so fucking beautiful. Joel ravaged you in the same fucking way, called you the worst things as he spread your legs wider than he had ever spread then before because you were not restricted with jeans around your ankles. Holy shit. Your pussy spread for him like this was fucking beauitful and watching your naked tits bounce while he drilled himself into you made him come faster than any other time he had been with you but he fucked you and came on your red, swollen lips four more times that night before he was fucking spent
"You care if I stay? S'cold out there tonight." He's putting on his smoothest voice, deep and a little twangy 'cause you bite you bottom lip when he talks like that and he loves it.
"I guess not. Is it cold or can you just not walk after all that?" Your smirk is the cutest thing he's ever seen and he wants to headbutt you for it, kind of because he's feeling a little something burning inside him and he hates it.
"Yer'the one who ain't walkin' nowhere for three days." He leans down and kisses you gently on the lips and pulls your body close to his. "Gotta question for you..."
"What?" You look so interested and curious as to what he could ask. Joel hasn't ever asked you anything really.
"Wanna go to Salt Lake with me?"
And you said yes. Joel couldn't believe it. He had to talk to Ellie the next day before they came to pick you up.
"Hey." He is short. They just fought a couple days ago.
"What?" She is just as short with him. He rolls his eyes at her.
"Bringin' someone with us to Salt Lake." Joel explains with his arms over his chest and his shoulder leaned against the door frame of the room she's using.
"Who? Your girlfriend?" Ellie raises her eyebrows knowingly and Joel wonders what the fuck that means.
"No. Don't have one of those. She isn't my girlfriend. Just someone who want's a ride to Salt Lake." Joel lies to avoid telling Ellie that he is bringing you because he can't just let you be in the woods alone! Because he wants to fuck you every night? No. Ellie will not know those details. "Just someone."
"Gross. You're gross and I know why you're bringing this bitch. I'm not fucking stupid." Ellie smirks at him and rolls her eyes. "Whatever. S'long as it isn't that blonde bitch who doesn't shut up-" Joel's narrow eyes and furrowed brow shut Ellie up.
"Dunno who yer'talkin' 'bout." Joel growls lowly. "This bitch is funny. Good for a laugh if anything. Pack up we gotta go get her."
Notes:
^ this is my sassy apology for this chapter
I'm sorry for what a piece of shit Joel was before he knew you were single, okay? There is a story here and you can't hate Joel. You cannot. I hope you don't. He's perfect. Can I tell you how hard it was for me to write even that sliver of a sex scene with Joel and Ava? Ugh I hated it. Never again.
Chapter 26: John Deere Tractor
Summary:
You and Connie recount your first encounter with Joel in graphic detail.
Notes:
Ello, loves.
I don't think there should be any trigger warnings. I think this is mostly a fluff chapter lucky for you.john deere tractor- billy strings
Clear some things up cause I don't want to have to try and explain it in the story if you guys haven't caught on. Ellie sayin' M-B to birdie is her shortening mommabird into another nickname. bird does it to Ellie if and when she called her S-B. Same thing. I don't think you guys are dumb. I just over think. always. s'what I'm best at.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Joel should have gone right home from Don’s. He should have gone home to sleep but he took the long way home so he could see you. Just make sure you were still really here because sometimes he couldn’t believe it. Died twice in Ellie’s arms and then almost died two more times and then fell off a water tower right in front of him– which was the most heart wrenching thing Joel had ever witnessed.
Joel and Tommy had been holding the ladder. Neither one of them spoke to each other, just watched you make your way down at a sloths pace. Neither one of them were mad, but you were moving so slow. Tommy asked Ken if he could take over. They had each switched out seven or eight times to give someone a break from having to support and brace the ladder while you got yourself down. Tommy moved his hand a second too soon, or Ken didn’t have enough of a grip. That’s how the ladder slipped and no matter how hard Joel tried to stop it, once it started there was not much ladder up top to slide and you fucking went down.
It will be an image he has in his head forever watching you slam into the ground below the tower. Joel heard your body hit the ground. He thought that was it. This is the one that does it but you were talking to yourself when Joel got there. Fuckin’ talking to yourself and giving him sass within minutes.
Joel loves you so fucking much. He doesn’t distract you up on the wall. He’s surprised you got up there after the water tower incident. He didn’t want you up there– are you fucking kidding? With your track record– because he wants to raise a family with you for a long time. Want to keep trying to get you pregnant even though the doctors say that wont happen. Joel is going to try. Nothing wrong with trying.
When he gets home it’s almost time for your shift to end which is nice because Ellie already was at Connie’s with Nora helping babysit the rest of the kids in town with Dina and the eleven other teens under sixteen that came back. There were eight children under the age of six in the colony now including Nora and Tomas. No other kids made it out or came back. It makes Joel sick to think about. There had been so many at Ellie’s old school. Sixteen and up you went out to cut trees or were up on the wall.
Joel did that on purpose so that he could keep Ellie home n’ safe just a little longer. Tommy understood. Tommy also understood that asking Joel to help him rebuild this town was the best choice he made because Joel just couldn’t sit back and let someone else do it so Joel took over… which Tommy was thankful for. No one wanted this responsibility. It meant having responsibility over every single person in town. Sharing it with his older brother made Tommy feel a little more at ease.
He crawls into bed and flips his fucking kid drool covered pillow in over so he doesn’t have to smell Ellie’s fucking mouth all while he tries to sleep before he does his next tree duty. Fuck trees. He built houses and renovated people's bathrooms and kitchens. Joel didn’t cut the fuckin’ trees down. Jesus.
Joel's poor back!? Was no one thinking about Joel's fifty something year old back!? He doesn’t even know how old his back is anymore, but it’s old and it hurts. All the time.
He’s cutting down trees. Alright . Joel wanted to retire after Connie’s wedding. Was gonna tell Tommy he was done with the nine to five but wanted to stay home as much as he could with Nora.
Now he is cutting down trees and he has to help Tommy try and figure out a way to put those same trees back in the ground in a different spot. It’s pissing Joel off as he tries to go to sleep. How are they going to do that? There were like… fifty-six men here. The rest were women and children or old and sick. Can sixty men lift an entire ninety foot tree? Joel didn’t fucking think so. Joel didn’t think that all one hundred and thirteen people in this colony could do it. There had been so many more the first time, that’s what Tommy said! Like two hundred! What the fuck!?
Joel has barely slept last night listening to Ellie snoring on the other side of Nora who just farts. S’all she does. Farting baby who loves eggs and jam. Joel loves them both so much but he didn’t sleep well because of them and was up at sunrise to go check on Don hoping he would be there and awake. He was.
Joel wonders how you do it. How do you sleep next to a drooling teenager who snores and slaps you in the face as sleeps and a baby who stinks like eggs?!? You are an amazing mom and he fucking adores you for that. Give you the whole world if he could.
Joel feels you crawl in beside him and all of that stress and anger are melted away because you are perfect. So perfect. He doesn’t care that he’s only getting four hours of sleep. The girls are safe with Connie– Connie is safe with Lucas and Tommy on patrol and tree duty. Joel feels comfortable to sleep next to you for four hours.
“Love you. How do you sleep next to them girls?” He really needs to know. “They both stink. Snore.” He makes you chuckle and you curl up behind him and wrap your arm around his waist.
“You get used to the stink after a while.” You sigh softly. “You snore so, I’m already used to that.” You burp softly and quietly in his ear and he smells whiskey .
“Are you drunk? And I don’t snore. Why do you smell like whiskey?” He’s so fucking curious. Should he be worried about you? Drunk– ninety feet up on the wall?
“No. The ladies all took one shot before we came home after change over.” You giggle in his ear and wiggle around excitedly against him. “Said it would make me sleepy n’ I’d be able to sleep good.” You sound adorable and Joel falls in love with you just a little more.
“Lost that ring I got you. The big one.” He admits sadly. You blow air out of your closed lips and sigh.
“Didn’t need it. My first one’s perfect. Loved it most. S’why I kept it on always.” You admit into his ear and now he’s throbbing hard because of how much he loves you and how cute you are. Jesus. He needs to sleep. He’ll accidently or not so accidently cut this guy Jeff’s head off today because he’s annoying; if Joel does not go to bed within the next ten minutes.
“I love you. So much.”
“I know ya do. I love you too. Ooh ooh ooh! I love you more!” You exclaim excitedly. “I never get to say that shit. S’good. I know why you do it now.” You giggle into his ear again. Your body pressed against him is the best thing he’s ever felt. The only other times he thinks were better was when he held Sarah and Nora for the first time and when he got to carry Ellie out of the hospital like a baby– that was different. He couldn’t believe Ellie was alive but feeling her in his arms like that and knowing he was going to get out of there… with you too… shit. Good feeling.
“Go to bed, yer’drunk. Thanks for not sleepin’ on the couch.” Joel jokes and holds your hand against his stomach in case you didn’t think it was funny but you laugh and snuggle into him and kiss against the nape of his neck.
“I wanna be close t’you when I feel this way. Makes me wanna crawl inside you n’ try to be closer to you.” You murmur against his skin. Joel sighs.
“I could headbutt you for bein’ so fuckin’ cute n’ perfect.” He growls softly.
“Do it. Do it. Be real rough with me, Daddy.” You mumble sleepily through chuckles. Joel closes his eyes and sighs. Bringing you to Salt Lake was the best decision he ever made besides taking Ellie there originally. No. Bringing you both back to Jackson was the best decision he ever made.
He doesn’t know. He’s delirious from sleep deprivation.
The next week is filled with literal non stop moving. You are moving constantly. Taking Ellie and Nora’s to Connie’s so you can do patrol or going to see Patti. Trying to fucking meditate and do yoga in a house with a screaming baby and a clunky footed teenager are so hard. So hard.
“Remember when you told me you could drive stick? Think you could still do that?” Joel asks with hope in his voice. You give him a raised eyebrow and also a look of concern.
“Why?”
“Someone stumbled an old farm while they was wanderin’ in the woods. Bunch’a farm equipment- tractor that they said was in perfect condition. An old truck that’s all tucked away in the barn.” Joel is walking backwards in front of you towards Connie’s house to get the girls. It’s your first night to be able to sleep in that forsaken bed together all night and eat dinner as a family. You two are excited because you haven’t done that yet. Sit down and eat dinner together since you got back.
“Truck a stick?” You ask curuiously. He nods.
“So is the tractor.” Joel smirks.
“There isn’t one single other person here who know’s how to do that?” You feel nice that Joel asked you to help but you don’t wanna be outside of these walls ever again if we’re being honest. No. You like being inside.
“Tommy and I are the only ones we know of. You. Tommy and I aren’t going out there together, one of us has to stay here.”
“Oh but our kids' parents can just abandon them with Connie for the night and hope we come back to be parents again.” You roll your eyes at him. “One of us should be here with them.” You snap.
“You’re not wrong, but I don’t have time to try n’ teach one of these assholes how to try n’ learn manual. I’m askin’ you because we are that desperate, Bird. Ain’t been able to get one single log back into the ground.” Joel stops walking and so do you. There are three feet between the two of you. “I don’t wanna take you back out there, don’t wanna leave the girls either but, what else are we goin’ to do?” Joel shrugs his shoulders at you. “Gotta get that wall fixed.”
“Oh fuck! Fine!” You exclaim. “I don’t even know if I’ll remember.”
“S’like ridin’ a bike. You’ll be fine.” Joel offeres reassurance but you do not want it.
“I havent ridden a bike in twenty fucking years, Joel.” You snap and Joel chuckles at you.
“F’yer leg wasn’t all torn up t’shit, I’d chase you home. Can’t run fer’shit though.” Joel snaps back at you. You gasp at him in false horror.
“How dare you even talk about my fucking leg. I tore it all up running to your dumbass. Got lost in the woods like you didn’t navigate me and that brat all the way to Salt Lake.” You point at him. “Soft. You’re soft and you’re also an ass.” You huff and limp past him.
“Soft? We went over this. M’hard… yer’soft.” Joel is behind you with his lips pressed into your ear and his hands on your waist.
“Get your slivered fingers off me, you freak. Horny. All the time.” You’re smirking and not even a little annoyed.
“Put my slivered fingers ins—”
“You most certainly will not. I’m going through with tweezers when we get home. How do you not feel them? How do you not know you have slivers? I don’t get it. They have to hurt?” You’re walking beside him now and he’s laughing.
“Birdie… I been doin’ hard labor for almost my whole life.. Slivers don’t bother me anymore, unless their real bad like that one you pulled out the other night— that one hurt like a bitch.”
“There were four other slivers in your hand…. You need beef tallow whip for your hands. They’re so..”
“Hard. Told’ya.” Joel smirks and wraps his arm around your neck and pulls you close to him. “S’why we fit so good together. Yer’soft, m’hard. Perfect.” You can hear the smirk on Joel’s face even though he has you in a semi-headlock.
“Call me soft again, see if I ever let you go deepest again.” You threaten playfully.
“I am sorry, Bird. You’re the least soft person I know. Never met anyone who was less soft than you, Baby. Never.” He’s laughing and holding you close to him.
“Kiss-ass.”
“You know I’ll do more than just kiss it, lemme do what we did the night before—”
“We have to feed our children! We have to be parents! Not porn stars!” You exclaim as you round the corner. A mother and her daughter walk past you as you say that and Joel has to apologize for your outburst.
“We fuck like porn stars.” Joel whispers into your ear as he takes his place beside you. “After we feed our kids and put them to sleep like good parents… you should let me. Take a shower with me.” Joel is throwing suggestions out to you with hope.
“No. Showering with you is no fun because we never get clean! We just do dirty things in there and then we forget to shower like we’re come stupid or something. Defeats the whole purpose of a shower.” You exclaim. It happens every time. You lay in bed after and wonder why both of you still smell. You never clean just fuck and be gross in the shower. You both are come stupid. Both of you.
“Fine. Be a prud—”
“What?” You gawk at him. “A prude? I let you put your tongue inside my ass–”
Joel slaps his hand over your mouth with a chuckle and looks around to see who else was out for a nightly stroll but thankfully everyone is busy tonight.
“Don’t go ‘round spillin’ all my secrets.” Joel is still chuckling.
“I told everyone already. Said it’s the only thing you wanna do for some reason.” You tease and Joel narrows his eyes on yours. You blow a raspberry at him and limp the rest of the way hand in hand with him to get the girls.
“Steak? Fuckin’ hell yeah.” Ellie has Nora strapped to her back as you walk back home. “Taters?” She looks hopefully at you.
“Found some in the greenhouse. Got some asparagus, too.” You run your fingers through her hair as she walks and inspect her dead ends.
“Gross. Just want taters n’ steak. Stop touchin’ my fuckin’ hair. I wanna grow it out.” Ellie pulls her hair away from you and you frown.
“You gotta keep it trimmed up, Squeaker-Bug. Gotta. It’ll grow faster that way.” You explain but she looks at you over her shoulder. Nora squeals from under Ellie’s locks.
“Makes no sense.” Ellie huffs. Joel chuckles at her.
“Whatever. Have dry, dead, frizzy hair. I don’t care. S’not like you’re my kid and I want you to look presentable or anything.” You roll your eyes at both of them. “You need a trim too!” You point to your husband. He shakes his head.
“Nope. Like it this length.”
“Why does no one want me to cut their hair!?” You’re frustrated. You like doing it.
“You can cut Nora’s mullet.” Joel looks at you with his chin to his chest. You gasp.
“No!” You pull Ellie’s hair away from Nora and she smiles at you and Joel with her dramatic baby mullet. Curls for days on top and then her freaking mullet. “I can’t. It’s just her little baby hairs.” You look up at Joel with literal tears in your eyes. “I don’t ever wanna cut her hair.” You have never once thought about taking a pair of scissors to her hair. Not once. It’s too beautiful.
“Oh it’s hair! It’ll grow back.” Joel grabs a handful of her curls gently and pulls it up so you can see how long it is. You sob.
“No. Stop. I can’t think about it. I can’t. She’s just a little baby. Never cutting her hair.” You weep quietly with the dramatics.
“Oh but you wanna cut mine all to shit.” Ellie scoffs.
“I’m trying to help you!” You sob to her. She chuckles.
“Damn, M-B. You can fuckin’ trim it. Just stop your belly achin’.” She smirks at you over her shoulder.
“Been tellin’ everyone ‘bout that buck you dropped a couple days ago.” Joel nudges Ellie on the shoulder gently. “Ken says he wants to come with us next time. You’d like that or just me n’ you?” Joel asks and you see the nervousness behind his eyes.
“Don’t care either way. I had fun though. I can’t wait until we go again.” Ellie doesn’t look at him over her shoulder but she sounds genuine.
You know they have a ways to go. You know that he is trying and she is too. It’s still a little awkward sometimes. It’s like sometimes Ellie forgets that she is in fact mad at Joel and has the best time with him and loves him so much and then there are other times when she remembers what he did and is slightly cold and short with him.
Joel never complains. He knows.
“Hey, Squeaker-Bug. Can we talk?” You’re whispering because you don’t want to wake up Nora. Ellie nods at you from your side of the bed. You are on Joel’s.
“Sup Momma-Bird?” She has her soft, kind eyes on. Worried.
“I know you say all the time that things are okay with you… but I just wonder if you’d like to go talk to Patti or Don sometime?” You offer this with hope in your heart.
“Why?” The soft and the worry are gone from her eyes. You shrug and bite the inside of your lip nervously.
“Helps.” You offer. “Helped me a lot. Helped Joel, too.” You explain honestly. “I know it’s scary to open up and everything, but you’d be able to talk about what happened to you… things you don’t want to talk to me and your dad about.” You run one of your knuckles across her cheek. “I just worry for you sometime, Bug.”
Ellie is silent.
“Nothin’ wrong with talkin’ to someone. Makes your heart feel less heavy, like we talked about a while ago.” You push hair away from her face and smile softly. “You deserve a good, clear mind. A happy heart. You’re just a kid and you’ve been through a lot.” You’re watching her eyes scan all over your face.
“Did you not go through a lot when you were my age?” She asks softly. You nod.
“I did. S’why I have to talk to someone now. Fucked me up.” You whisper.
“What happened?” She looks curious. You’re not going to lie.
“Remember when you asked if my dad was a nice guy?” You whisper and cup her face with your hand. She nods. “He was a bastard.” You sigh. “He made me do terrible things, Ellie. Horrible. I’ll tell you when you’re just a lil older and we aren’t about to go to bed. I don’t wanna give you nightmares.” You rub your thumb across her cheek gently. “You’re lucky you have a dad who just wanted to protect you. Keep you safe from the bad n’ scary.” You have tears in your eyes. “Mine threw me right into it.”
“I’m sorry, Momma-Bird.”She cups your face with her hand gently. “You’re still a good fuckin’ mom. Kick-ass shot with the pistol. S’what Dina said at least.” She smiles softly, offering you some sort of comfort. You close your eyes and take in the warmth from her little hand on your face.
“Don’t be sorry. Don’t be. I’m tryin’ to be a good mom because he was a bad dad.” You whisper. “I don’t wanna be like him. Trying to figure out how to not end up like him.”
“Thank you.” She whispers softly. “I’m sorry that I was—”
“Don’t.” you whisper and cut her off. “Don’t be sorry for anything, my sweet girl. I mean it. Your dad and I made the mistakes. We fucked up. We’re sorry. We are. You just had to deal with us and our shit. We’re sorry. You have a right to be upset with us. You really do, I’m just glad you’re back here with us. Thank you for giving us a second chance.” You lean in over Nora and kiss her forehead. When you pull away she has tears in her eyes.
“I don’t know if I was ever going to leave. I wanted to, I almost did but Connie talked me into staying.” She blinks and the tears fall. “Said you n’ dad would want to see me one last time. I agreed but I jus—”
You are out of bed before she can finish. You move so fast into the dirty hamper in the bathroom. You haven’t had time to do laundry but that’s fine. You almost forgot. When you jump back into bed you have a mud soaked, torn and tattered piece of paper in your hand.
“I was gonna give this to you– before you left so that I could be with you everywhere.” You hand her the paper in your hands.
It’s the whole world you drew for her.
“What made you… your own biggest obstacle?” She reads what you wrote just over a week ago.
“My head n’ heart think different things.” You whisper. “My heart tells me you n’ Nora are the most important things in the whole world. You two are my whole world.” You sigh sadly. “But my brain sometimes tells me that nothin’ is important. Tellin’ me I’m a bad mom, and you n’ Nora already hate me. So why try?” You have tears now. “S’not true. My head lies to me now, Ellie. Kids’ll do that to you, I guess. Babies n’ shit. Hormones or somethin’. I dunno.”
“You’re not a bad mom, just never done it before I came along.” She smirks. You chuckle.
“You’re right. N’ you weren’t easy to take care of.” You pull her close into you and Nora. “Ellie, I’d die protecting you n’ this baby. S’how much I love you two. I’d give you the whole fuckin’ world if you asked me for it.” You kiss her forehead again.
“Don’t need it. Just want you n’ Joel to be real with me from here on out. Stay my parents. I need that more than the world.” She whispers as you hold her close to your chest.
“You got it, Squeaker-Bug.”
“I can drive a tractor!” Connie exclaims as the four adults sit on your front porch. The snow has finally started to melt. “I can drive th’fuck outta the damn tractor!” She squeals excitedly. “Bird n’ I will go. Ken can escort us.” She says it like it’s a done deal already.
“Sounds good to me, honestly. I’d like one of us to be home with the girls.” You stare at Joel with fire in your eyes. “I can drive the truck back and Connie can drive the tractor if they even start up.”
“Neither one of you is goin’ out ther with one of us—” Luca starts and Joel is nodding his head starting at you. He’s not letting you leave without him and Lucas isn’t letting Connie leave without him. “Not happenin’. Nope. Connie you’re nine weeks fuckin’ pregnant.” Lucas is exacerbated. Connie does not care.
“No. Yer’not tellin’ me what to do. Didn’t do it before we got married, ain’t doin’ it now, you sonofabitch.” Connie snaps at him and Joel snaps his head to Connie in shock. Lucas sinks down into his chair sadly. You smirk at the exchange. “I’m a farm girl through n’ through. Drove a tractor the day I started walkin’. So…” She flicks her eyes between Joel and Lucas. “The two of you will stay here n’ take care of these kids for a day or two and Bird n’ I will go. I liked bein’ out there. I enjoyed havin’ to run around again. I wanna do it again.”
“As long as we can take a horse or two, I don’t think I can walk on foot the whole way.” You nod your head at Connie. You like this idea.
“Ken is a good shot. Ex-military. He’s a smart guy, you two know this. He’d take good care of us.” Connie nods her head back at you. “Dina isn’t gonna wanna be here alone anyway, Luke. She’s gonna want one of us here with her. She’s still all torn up ‘bout her dad n’ Alice. Her house burnt up. She needs one of us here.” Connie looks to her husband now. “She feels safer when you’re here.”
“Shit. Bring Dina up knowin’ I can’t say no. Do anythin’ for the damn kid.” Lucas shakes his head. You and Joel look between the newlyweds. They’re going to be such good fucking parents. Joel is smirking.
“So it’s settled. Ken will take us to the farm. You men will stay here and be home makers for the night. See how hard it is.” Connie sticks her tongue out at her husband and he does it right back to her and flips her the bird. You laugh.
“I’m fine with it. My husband might not be as keen to the idea.” You nod at Joel but he’s scowling at you now.
“M’not keen on the idea. Yer’not wrong. Girls do need someone here though, yer’right ‘bout that.” Joel losens the tension in his brow. “Fine. Go. I’ll make bread n’ jam while yer’gone.” He rolls his eyes and you stick your tongue out at him.
“Prolly will taste like shit.” You kick his foot with yours gently and smirk. He’s already smirking at you with his hand on your knee.
“Prolly? Absolutely will. Girls are gonna starve.” He teases.
“Oh that makes me feel so much better.”
The three of you leave the next day and you all chat about small stuff. Hunting and meats. What your favorite sports teams had been before the outbreak. Ken had lost a wife the day the outbreak occurred. Connie told Ken it was just her and her sisters the day of. Her parents had been in town and she didn't see them again. Her sisters didn't last long but Connie fuckin' made it. Did whatever she had to do. Then she fell down a ravine one day after ten years on her own and with strangers she'd run into and she broke her fucking leg. Then she met Jacob and his dad and they carried her to the place they had been staying at. Sat with her for two months while she healed. Jacobs dad is the one who took such good care of her before he passed. Jacob had been good n' nice- for the most part, always wanted to try and fool around with Connie but never pushed- until his dad died. Then he changed and got kinda mean. Still never pushed Connie but still asked, a lot more often. She asks about Joel.
“How long did you know Joel before y’all started gettin’ serious? Did it happen on the road?” Connie asks from behind you on the horse. You shrug.
“I honestly dunno when it got serious. When I agreed to go with him… I just wanted to get laid.” You laugh and she does, too. Ken’s horse suddenly is ahead of you instead of beside you.
“Sex was that good you went on the road with him for a month or however long he was gone for?” She sounds amazed. You nod.
“I didn’t have anything to compare it to… but yeah. My first time with him was real weird… not how I imagined my first time or really sex at all would be. I thought it was —”
“Gentle and stuff. Yeah. It’s kinda boring that way.” Connie cuts you off. “S’fine but… I like it rough.” Connie admits. You did that to her.
“Me too. Joel was real rough with me. He told me recently he thought I was kind of slutty when we first met.” You laugh but Connie gasps.
“What!? As a virgin!?” She is so offended.
“He didn’t know I was. I’m the one who stopped him on the road.”
You play it all out for Connie in very graphic detail.
No fucking rabbits. No fucking birds. Nothing. You’re going to starve this winter and it’ll be all your own damn fault. Should have just stuck around in that damn colony for the winter. They would have let you. Dunno why you wanna be alone all the damn time. Bored and fuckin’ miserable.
You only stop thinking to yourself because you can hear footsteps on the road ahead of you. They pull your gaze up from your feet and that’s when you see it….
How the fuck did they make a man who looks like that? What in the good lord's name is he doing out here? Who is this fuckin’ guy just wandering alone in the woods? You never come across a hot guy in the woods they’re all fuckin’ gross and smell like they live in the woods.. You don’t smell like you live in the woods; you fuckin’ make sure of it! Clean and wash every damn day in the cold ass river so your pussy doesn’t fuckin’ stink even though you’re out here all alone!
You’re extra glad that you washed today though because he’s getting closer and just more and more handsome. He’s tall and has a broad frame. He’s got perfect hair that’s just slightly starting to gray– how old is this fuckin’ guy? Doesn’t matter. He’s like ten feet away and you’re going to say hi. Why not? What do you have to lose? Dad’s dead so you can talk to men now…. He’s so close. So hot. Holy fuck.
“Hey.” Your voice sounds like someone you don’t fucking know. Who is this stranger woman who talks to stranger men in the woods!? Not you!
“Need somethin’?”
Oh my fucking god. Why does he sound like that? Where the fuck did he come from? Your knees could buckle. Why does between your legs feel like that!? He said two fucking words to you. But the way his eyes are looking you up and down… oh my god. He’s glaring at you with brows pinched together so tightly he could hold a quarter between them, Jesus Christ. He’s kinda scary…so hot.
“Maybe. Wanna help me out?” You bite your lip and bat your eyelashes at him. What!? What!? Why did you do that and say that!? His brows soften slightly and the corners of his mouth turn up just a little. You grab his hand and lead him into a cabin just off to your right. You’ve never fuckin’ been in there before. You pass it all the time but you never go in. It’s not your cabin but no one lives there.
“Oh, you’re ready for it?” His voice is so deep and so fucking sexy. You’re nodding at him as he pushes you back towards the bed. Your calves hit it and you’re now sitting, looking up at him. He’s rubbing himself in front of your face through his jeans. “Slutty lil thing out in the woods need a hard dick in her?”
Your jaw has detached from your face. What did he just say? What!?
“Yeah.” You breathe up to him and he puts one finger on your forehead and pushes you back to lay on the bed. You have more than butterflies in your stomach. There is a rabid fox in there. It’s desperately trying to get out.
“Lemme see what that filthy cunt looks like.” He’s whispering as he unzips his jeans.
You thought your jaw was gone before? What jaw!? Did you ever even have one!? What did he just pull out of his jeans!? That is the biggest dick you’ve ever seen in your whole fucking life. You didn’t think he was going to have a fucking horse cock; what the fuck? Okay, now you’re kinda scared because you’ve never even had a regular sized cock inside of you, only your mouth and now he’s stroking it and it’s just getting bigger!? Jesus Christ, what did you get yourself into? The most you ever had inside of you besides your own damn fingers and that stolen vibrator was a fucking hairbrush handle before you got the vibrator and you didn’t bring either of those things with you when the outbreak happened so it’s just been fingers. Your own fingers. Now he wants to put this thing inside of you— You asked him to!!! You asked him to do this to you— split you in half.
You’re unzipping your jeans for him though and he’s yanking them down your thighs and letting them rest at your ankles. Not even taking them all the way off. What the fuck?
You have no time to think about anything else before you have a mouth on your pussy for the first time in your life. Oh. My. God. You’re whimpering immediately and he’s chuckling against your slit.
“Fuckin’ slut. Shut the fuck up, you stupid? Quiet down, you wanna get us fuckin’ killed?” He’s growling against your slit and you wonder why he keeps calling you a slut but you don’t care. It makes your cunt leak when he says that and you clench around nothing as he says it again. “Love this slutty pussy already. Tastes so fuckin’ sweet— Jesus Christ. S’fuckin’ amazing.” This man is groaning against your cunt and you can’t speak or think or do anything other than lay there because it’s fucking incredible.
Something is happening though. A weird feeling. New. You’ve touched yourself before, yes. Did it feel good? Yeah, sure. Nothing like this though, holy shit.
It feels like you are about to explode.
“Oh god. I’m gonna- I’m gonna” You were about to warn him that you were going to piss all over him when it happened. You gush. You are so fucking embarassed that you just did that but the sound this man between your leg makes? You’re gushing again as he sucks and licks it off of you hungrily.
“Holy fuckin’ shit. That’s fuckin’ amazing. You do that every time?” He’s amazed by you.
“Never done that before.” You sigh and let your head fall back.
“Gonna make you do it again right now.” His hips are pressed against yours and he is inside of you.
You are being torn in two. It hurts so fucking bad but you cannot speak to tell him to stop. He’s got his hand over your mouth to quiet your whimpers and whines.
“You like this hard cock inside you, slutty thing?” He’s nibbling at your earlobe as he fucks you and that makes you feel good. The pain between your legs isn’t splitting anymore, only dull and now there are waves of pleasure that wash over you as he thrusts himself into you. “So fuckin’ tight. Jesus Christ. Never been inside somethin’ so fuckin’ tight before.” This guy pulls away and looks down at you. “Open your mouth.”
You do exactly as he says and you will do whatever he wants for as long as he wants because his eyes are so fucking beautiful and he’s got this look in them like he wants to kiss you and eat you alive at the same time. That rabid fox in your belly is back as he leans forward and spits into your open mouth.
What the fuck!? That’s disgusting!!!!
“Swallow it, slutty girl. Do it.” He grips your chin in one of his hands and spits into your still open mouth again. You are too overcome with pleasure and shock to close it. “Fuckin’ swallow what I give you. You understand that or are you stupid?”
You swallow it and wonder why he is calling you these things but again, it doesn’t matter because they are making your cunt clench around his cock when he calls you these them. He moans softly when you do it. His little moan is the next thing that sends you over the edge. More feeling like you’re pissing on this man between your legs but he groans and you look up through the second orgasm of your life and watch as his head drops forward to watch what you do on him. Gush on him.
“Jesus fuckin’ Christ.” He whispers it to himself as your hips move against his and rock softly with your orgasm. The gushing. He fucking must love it. “Fuck,” He exclaims and then he’s not longer inside of you. He’s gripping your hip tightly, fingertips digging into you as you lean up to see what he’s doing. He’s stroking himself while he rubs the tip of your cock against the lips of your cunt. “Fuckin’ paint these pretty, puffy lips with my come. You want it?” He flicks his eyes up to you. You nod. “Fuckin’ say it then.”
“I want it. Please.” You beg for some reason. He loves it. He groans loudly and you feel new warmth on your pussy.
“Fuuuuck.” He whispers quietly. “So pretty with my come all over you.”
Then he zips his pants back up and is helping you stand. He pulls your pants up and buttons them, pushing his hand against your mound to mix himself all into your juices. You melt and want to ask him to come live with you. He leans down and kisses you gently on the lips.
“You are pretty. Slutty n’ pretty n’ tight.” He coos against your lips. You die inside because he is getting ready to leave.
“Do you wanna do this again? Like… I dunno. We could meet here after dark or something.” You offer a suggestion desperately.
“Tonight?” He sounds shocked you’d wanna do it again so soon and now you’re embarrassed for some reason.
“No. Of course not tonight. Like… I dunno… four days from now or something? When the sun goes down? Here. Do it every four days.” What the fuck are you talking about? You’d do it every day but he sounded so shocked by your request that you don’t wanna come across as desperate and in love with this man already!
“Sounds good. See you then.”
You are soaking wet on this horse thinking about your first time with him and it was terrifying and hot as hell and thats what turned you into the fucking spit loving dirty girl you are. Not being groomed. Idiots. Both of you.
“Jesus. Not bein’ funny or anythin’ but Joel is so hot.” Connie whispers. “Jesus Christ woman.” She pokes at your sides. “Look’it you teachin’ me all those naughty things.” She’s laughing at you and rests her head on your shoulder. “N’ I taught them all to Luke and now he’s just as hot.” She sighs like she’s daydreaming about him. You laugh and rest your head on top of hers.
“Just two lucky ladies with real hot husbands.” You sigh happily.
“You ladies ever have venison back-straps?” Ken calls out to you in the most uncomfortable voice you’ve ever heard. “You can grill’em or slow cook’em over some smolderin’ coals. You guys should try ‘em with mash n’ gravy.” He sounds like he wants to die. You just recounted your first time with Joel loudly enough for him to hear and you think he wishes he had left you and Joel on that water tower.
“Ken, I’ve never had back-straps I don’t think.” You call up to him.
“S’the most tender part! Meat right along the spine. So good. I’ll getcya some next time we do a hunt with Ellie.” He doesn’t turn around to talk to you. His face is probably beet red.
“Thank you, Ken! For that n’ for comin’ with us. No one else ‘sides our husbands we would rather be out here with, honest.” Connie calls up now.
“Awe, s’real nice of you ladies. It means a lot that y’all— and your men trust me. Glad we all made it back. Sad ‘bout Shan and Billy. Gonna miss them two.” He sounds sad now and so are you and Connie. There was a small grave yard just outside the wall where her and Billy rested beside each other. You and Connie put flowers on them from the greenhouse three days after you had been back.
The farm is far. You’re shocked someone ran into this.
You do not know how… but by the grace of god… both the tractor and the truck start up after being connected to a gas powered generator for an hour. There was diesel tank beside the bar and tanks to fill up.
“This is insane. We’ll get those logs up in no time with that fuckin’ tractor. Be able to reinforce them a little better with it too.” Ken can’t believe this and neither can you. You fully believed you were coming out here for absolutely nothing.
You get behind the wheel of the truck and sigh. It’s been a while and you only ever drove the one, car the four times. You were really good at it. But it’s been a while. Ken is loading the back of the truck with as much supplies from the barn as he can as Connie pulls the tractor out of the barn and pulls it alongside the truck.
You press the clutch and the break at the same time and turn the key in the ignition. The truck is purring and sounds like an old farm truck. Purring like a lion. Rumbling and deep. You love it. You keep your foot on the clutch and breke and put it into first gear. This is the tricky part.
You have to pull your left foot off the clutch slowly– very slowly while pressing with your right foot into the gas pedal just as slow. There is a moment when you feel like the car is going to stall- it starts to shiver kind of and the engine hums like it might die. You press into the clutch a little and give it more gas. The gear catches and you’re moving forward. You pull your foot off the clutch completely but keep your toes on it. You get up to fifteen miles per hour and remove your right foot from the gas pedal, drop the clutch all the way down to the floor with your left foot and push the gear-shifter up into second. Now you are moving. You can get up to about… twenty-four or twenty five miles an hour before you have to change it into third. This will get you to thirty miles per hour. You want to be in fourth gear, the normal gear for driving on main roads. You remember all of this.
Fifth gear is for forty five and up. Highway mostly. You don’t need to go this fast. There is no sixth gear- that is reverse and if you put it in reverse while your car is going forward your transmission will fall out. You know not to do that. Jackie drilled that shit into you when you were kids.
Things go off without a hitch.
Connie pulls up alongside the wall and you drive your new truck to your house because you went and fucking got it. There was already a town vehicle and you were apparently the only one of three people who could drive it. Joel and Tommy do not argue because you're going to let them use it, obviously but it's your truck. You're the one with the fucked up leg. You fell off the fuckin' water tower.
"S'real brave of you." Joel is murmuring as you bite down his chest. "Brave n' real t-tough of you." He stutters because you make him feel so fucking good, apparently.
"Oh, do you like your real tough n' brave wife?" You whisper against his chest and kiss the teeth marks you've left. Joel sighs and shivers against you.
"Like you? Nah. I love the fuckin' shit out of you, Bird. Do anything fer'you. Shit, you got me goin' to fuckin' therapy." He chuckles as his hand touches your lower back gently. "Like goin'. Nice havin' someone to talk to. I'm sorry for burdenin' you with the shit I did before I knew you. Wasn't very fair of me." He whispers as you rest your head on his chest. You sigh as your fingers dance across his lower stomach. The breath in his throat catches when you do it and slip just the tips into the waistband of his boxers. Teasing him.
"I know why you were doin' it. Just tryin' to help yourself but yeah, it was kind of a burden. My heart was already real heavy with my own shit. I could have done it and been there for you if I wasn't goin' through it myself. I'm sorry 'bout that, Hon. I really am." You whisper to him in the dark. Ellie is sleeping in her own room for the first time and so is Nora and it feels weird. You wish they were in here with you but something needs to go back to normal. Sleeping arrangements can be a start.
"Can I ask you somethin'? Now that yer'doing a little better?" He sounds cautious. You already know what he's going to ask about. You know he read a bunch of shit in the one journal entry you wrote and he saw.
"My parents?" You whisper. He nods hums in response.
"I let my dad die. I told you he didn't wanna. He was scared n' whatever. He begged me to shoot him. Begged me for hours and I didn't. I watched. Let him die real slow and it was painful and he suffered. He was scared- not of dying though. He was scared to suffer and I made him." Your voice is trembling but there are no tears in your eyes. It feels good to tell him this. Joel lets out a deep breath and sighs in a new one.
"Good. Motherfucker deserved it."
Notes:
^ that's Joel looking for Ellie and Nora in the morning wondering why it doesn't smell and why doesn't hear snoring.I'm the worst get me outta here. I'm also the worst with the hairbrush handle and the pissing comments. I am so sorry. I hope you chuckled and could relate and weren't horrified. So...sorry.
Question: Do you all expect this to have an ending like... do you want me to end it with like a story left to tell potentially because I could turn this into a long-fic and have it follow the rest of their lives. I'm so fucking committed to them lmao so, just let me know if you'd stick around for that. I dunno what you people want from me! more smut? less smut? i'm willing to work for you all, just tell me what you want!
I just wanna say I know how far fetched this chapter is. I do. I know gasoline doesn't last twenty fucking years. I know trucks and tractors wouldn't just start up. Their tires would be flat. I know this. For the sake of this story and the shit these poor people have been through.... I'm giving them a fuckin' break. I just want this wall fixed, damn. Why did I blow it up? XD just kiddin'. There's a plot and we're following it. You can also use my amazing description on how to drive manual. I drive it every day. S'only way I know how to drive.
Chapter 27: Apple
Summary:
Discussions. Dinner. Fight.
Apple- charlie xcx<<< this song is about parents bro. what the fuuuuck. I just wanna dance to it now I cry
Notes:
I will say this has some pretty blatant talks of things that can occur when you suffer from PPD. I know we've gone over this but there is just some pretty focused talks about it in this chapter so you get a TW and you get TW and you get a TW. That's the best Oprah impression I got. No cars. Just TRIGGER WARNINGS.
You all are perfect and beautiful. Seriously. Y'all are hot and amazing.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The wall is fucking fixed and Connie drove the tractor every fucking day until new logs were put in the ground. It feels fucking fantastic. Now… you just have to rebuild almost the entire fucking town. It’s fine. Everything is fine. It’s been almost a month since you got back. The last log was put in to the ground last night and everyone can fucking breathe again.
Patti looks tired today. She’s been doing wall duty too. She told you to come by today though. Neither of you have had a lot of time to really sit down like you used to.
“How have things been? Ellie still around?” She smirks. Patti sees her around town with Nora all the time. Ellie loves being with Nora now that it isn’t her main responsibility. She loves being a big sister now that she is an actual big sister and not a make-shift mom and dad all wrapped into one most days.
“Great. I’m getting a good yoga routine. Ellie does it with me sometimes when she sees me doing it.” You smirk.
“Good. She should be doing it.” Patti smiles softly but still looks so very tired. You will not stay longer than you have to.
“She said she’d go talk to Don. Said that the way Joel talks about him makes him seem like a nice guy. I don’t know if she… doesn’t trust women or… I don’t know. I asked her to come talk to either of you and she chose Don. I think every woman she has ever met has let her down or lied to her. Never even knew her real mom from what I know.” You explain to Patti nervously and cautiously. “Dunno how many men she’s met in her life besides Joel and some assholes on the road.” You shrug.
“Nothing wrong with that. Don is a great therapist. He had patients of all ages when he had his practice. Kids are special. You can’t be as… well as honest, as shitty as that is to say. You have to be able to shield them from the truth- not really lie. That can cause them damage when they are still developing.” Patti tries to explain but you know. "Don is good at that."
“You’re tellin’ me. My dad tellin’ me at sixteen that men would rape me if I left his side. He didn’t need to say that! He could have just said it how I told you the first time! Taken it from me. I shielded you from the truth because it is—”
“Harsh. It’s harsh and it cuts and it leaves scars when children are young and easily impressionable.” She nods in understanding.
“She wants to know what I went through as a kid with my dad. I think she thinks it was like what she and Joel did when they were traveling but it was nothing like that I don’t think— shit, maybe it was. I dunno. I don’t think Joel was mean like my dad was.” You chuckle softly.
“I hope not! I’m not afraid of your husband. I’ll put him right in his place.” Patti flicks her eyebrows up at you once. “I know what hides behind that scowl.” She scoffs. You smirk and chuckle at her.
“Oh he’d probably have a field day with you. I can only imagine the fighting.” You tease. Patti chuckles now too. “Just kidding, he appreciates how much help you’ve been to our family. You really put us back together.” You sigh and smile softly. She shakes her head.
“You and your husband are putting yourselves back together. Don and I just gave you the tools to start the healing journey you’re on. Both of you. I don’t mind counseling you through all of these tough times. I suffered from PPD after both of my children at the time. Luckily my husband and I knew of these things and he was able to be extra supportive through those times. That helped immensely.” She comforts you with her words but you are jealous she had that and you suffered for three months. “Your husband would have been there for you if he had the knowledge and the help he has now. I believe that.” She comforts you more now but you’re still jealous.
“I dunno. I know I’m forgiving him for that… forgiving myself but it’s so hard to forget about the things he did sometimes. I don’t ever try to hold it against him because I did make the choice to stay but it still bothers me sometimes.” You confide in her about how things have been going inside your brain.
Joel has nothing to lie about.
Right now.
“So tell him that. Be really honest with those insecurities now. Let him know and speak your fears to him. He’s a dumb man. They cannot read our minds like we can with them.” She winks at you. “You would want him to tell you if he wasn’t trusting you or was having doubts about you, right?”
“Jesus Christ, no. What? I’d rather die?” You blink at her.
“It hurts, but… what?” She tries to lead you there on your own but you blink at her. She sighs. “It hurts when someone tells you they don’t trust you. Does it not? It hurt you when he said it, yes?” She nods. You nod…still blinking. “What did you come here wanting to do that day?” She leads you again with her words and now her hand rolls slowly in a circle in front of her trying to pull the answer out of you.
“Kill myself.” You blink at her again.
“Jesus Christ! You wanted to fucking change, did you not?” She exclaims loudly– she is exhausted with you.
“Oh. Yeah, I did.” You smile at her and nod. “I did wanna change. Wanted to get better. But I have to yell at him and tell —”
“No. Do not yell at your husband.” She shakes her head in frustration. “Listen to me… I’ll help.” She sits forward on her chair. “Make him something nice to eat. Bring him a drink he likes if you’re okay with him still drinking.” She is encouraging and kind. “Tell him your fears calmly. Nicely. Tell him you are just feeling a little insecure with him— still wanting to be with him and work this all out. Tell him how much you love him and how proud of the progress he’s made.”
You stare at her in awe.
“You speak to him the way you wish he would have told you he was untrusting of you with Nora. You wish he would have sat you down and held your hands. Spoke kindly to you the way that I am now, yes?” Patti is so fucking smart.
“Yeah. I wish he never had to tell me at all.” You snort because it hurt so fucking bad when he told you that. She shrugs.
“He’ll probably wish you didn’t have to say these things, too.”
Joel comes home a little later. He was celebrating with Tommy and Lucas at what was left of the bar. Some of the other tree guys had been there and you were okay with this. He had been working his fucking ass off. Lost some of that weight he put on. Not all of it, thankfully. Some. You have food ready for him. A venison steak and potatoes with gravy and broccoli. You are smiling at him from the kitchen table when he gets home.
“Oh no. Somethin’ real good happen or real bad?” He chuckles. You were worried he was going to be very drunk and then you couldn’t talk to him but he seems fine. Like he had a slight buzz. Perfect.
“Nothing happened. Just wanted to cook you a nice dinner and talk. Maybe we could smoke if you got some?” You raise an eyebrow and he nods silently. Joel kisses you on the top of the head before he sits down.
“Talk.” He sounds like he might be nervous. He knows that you have something specific you want to talk about.
“This was Patti’s idea.” You warn him. “Said it would make me feel better and that doing this will help us get fully back to where we used to be… maybe even better than that.” You take his hand and he holds yours gently.
“S’wrong, Birdie-Girl?” He looks worried and scared and his big beautiful eyes are so brown and perfect. Nervous.
“Nothin’s wrong. Not really. Just some… ugh.” You grunt in frustration because you don’t even know how to say it. “Worries. Fears my brain is tellin’ me to keep holdin’ on to. Maybe my heart, too. I don’t really know.” You gaze at him as lovingly as you can so he knows you’re not mad at him. Just scared. To trust him fully because of the things he’s done or said.
“Fretful of what, Bird? Talk to me.” He’s losing his patience with you because you’re dragging this out. You’re anxious. Don’t really wanna talk about it.
“Just what you might and try to protect the girls and I from in the future.” You whisper softly and squeeze his hand gently. His eyes do not stay soft but he doesn’t pinch his brows together. He’s got indignation in his brown eyes. “I think you know that though— this isn’t an attack on you or anything. I mean it. I don’t think you’re trying to hurt us when you do the things you do, Joel. I don’t.” This makes him pull his hand away but he just starts to cut up the food on his plate.
“I do know.” He’s curt with his response and your gut pangs. Fuck. Okay, great. Now he’s mad.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to start a fight—”
“This isn’t a fight.” He snaps at you and looks at you instead of his plate. “Not a fight. Just fuckin’ sucks hearin’ your wife is wait’ fer’you to lie t’her.” Joel grumbles it out in frustration.
“Not waiting.” You snap back at him. “Just worried. Just letting you know, so that things don’t get worse between us because we don’t talk about shit.” You sigh. “I think that’s fair. Don’t you wish you could have sat me down like this about what happened with Nora?”
You both grimace whenever it gets brought up. He doesn’t say anything for a while.
“Yeah.” Is all he says as he starts to eat. You watch with fretful eyes.
“You would have had every right to talk to me about it. Neither one of us ever talked about it. I just apologized and never stopped apologizing. Never told you what happened. Just that it was an accident.”
“M’tryin’ t’eat, B. You’re makin’ my stomach churn talkin’ about it.” He groans and looks over at you. “I hate thinkin’ ‘bout that night, Birdie—”
“You think I daydream about it? I have nightmares about it, Joel. Nightmares. I still hate myself for what happened that night.” You whisper to him. “I’m sorry it’s such a hard thing to talk about, for both of us. I am.”
“You got distracted…thinkin’ ‘bout shit. I already know. M’not stupid.” Joel sets his fork down on the table forcefully. You stare straight ahead at the wall. You don’t wanna look at him if he’s going to be mean to you right now. “Yer’not stupid either. Jus’ a lil fucked up in the head, nothin’ we ain’t tryin’ to fix and work on. Jus’ like what I got goin’ on. We’re fuckin’ workin’ on it, Bird.” He’s short but not really mean. Just short.
“Okay.” You huff softly. “Sorry.”
“Don’t do that shit.” He barks at you softly. “What’d y’expect, B? I come home from workin’ almost a month straight— I know you been workin’ jus’ as hard, I’m not sayin’ that– I come home from celebratin’ that the wall is finally finished. Didn’t get wasted ‘cause I didn’t need to. Was excited to come home n’ see you. This is what you wanna talk ‘bout? Really? Right now? Made me this great dinner n’ now I’m not even hungry.” He pushes himself away from the table. “Let’s go smoke. Talk. I’ll get my appetite back.” He stands from the table and holds his hand out for yours.
You do not take it but instead just go out onto the front porch. He added another chair for you to sit in two weeks ago so you could be out here with him. You sit in your chair and he sits in his. You watch as he does whatever he does with papers and weed. You dunno. He always does it.
“I’m sorry if I was a dick.” Joel says after several long minutes of silence. “Just hard talkin’ ‘bout that stuff. Makes me angry. Makes me scared.” Joel lights the joint and leans back in his chair. He looks at you finally. “Nothin’ to do with you wantin’ to talk about it.” Joel sighs and hands you the joint. “I know where yer’comin’ from though.”
You don’t say anything because it’s just weird. You tried and he still got upset. Fuckin’ dick.
“I’m workin’ on it, Bird. I am.” He leans forward again and touches your knee gently. “A year ago— I would’a slammed that dish into the wall and told you it tasted like shit. Like an asshole. A real dick. I’m not proud of it. Not at all— but I’m really tryin’ B. I mean it. I don’t like upsettin’ you. I know what you tried to do, n’ I appreciate it. Cooked me food and looked real pretty fer’me. I appreciate you. I’m sorry.”
You still don’t speak because if you do you will say something not necessarily mean but sassy. Not really needed so you just stay quiet. Joel sighs again and takes the joint from you.
“I told you so long that I’m not good at this, I’m tryin’.” He sounds defeated again and now you fucking feel bad. How did he do that?
“Don’t spin this around and try to make me feel bad. You warned me about how shitty you were in relationships as if it was a disclaimer. Not acceptable.” You do snap and he’s staring at you. “I appreciate you working on it but don’t sit here and sound sad because I am frustrated.” You stare at him and he smokes the joint as you speak as if he is unbothered by you.
“Frustrated with what?” He speaks now and smoke comes out of his mouth and you could strangle him for being so hot.
“That we even have to have these talks! I’m frustrated that you ever kept things from me! I’m frustrated that I sunk into that depression and almost killed our baby. I wish those things gone from the past.” You exclaim with tears in your eyes.
“They’re stuck there. What are you gonna do ‘bout it? Keep thinkin’ ‘bout it all the time or try n’ fuckin’ move on, B? We’ve been havin’ the best fuckin’ time in our marriage lately. Really feels like we’re married n’ things are on the right track.” He is calm, quiet. Not being overly emotional like you might be right now.
“And now I worry when will the other shoe drop. What’s gonna be kept from me next or worse… what am I going to find out from someone else!?” You don’t know if you really mean that. Not really. Maybe a little. “Did you think Ava wouldn’t fucking say something to me? Thankfully I already knew but Ellie had to be the one to tell me.”
“Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Bird. I’m so over talkin’ about that stupid fuckin’ bitch.” Joel smirks and shakes his head. “So fuckin’ tired of her— I was tired of her while I was fuckin’ her… Is that what you wanna hear?” Joel snaps at you.
You blink at him and stay quiet. Fuck him.
“Oh, you must. You wanna know that as soon as I met you, fuckin’ her became a chore, Birdie. A literal chore. It was stomachable before I knew you. The minute I met you I made her stop kissin’ me. Did you wanna know that? Did you wanna know that I was usually so drunk when we fucked that I didn’t know whether I finished inside of her or not?” Joel is being malicious with his words…but they’re making you feel better as well as sick. “Didn’t plan on coming back to this fuckin’ colony. Wasn’t worried ‘bout ever fuckin’ seein’ her again so I didn’t care if she got knocked up. I would’a been gone anyway. Snuck out on her because…” He leans in really close and smiles in your shocked face. “Fuck her. She was a dumb fuckin’ bitch. Good fer’ one thing. That’s it.”
“You’re a fucking asshole.” You scoff softly.
“S’why I didn’t tell you ‘ bout her! She didn’t fuckin’ mean anything to me, Bird! What do I have to tell you to fuckin’ believe that part at least! You wanna know how I’d picture your fuckin’ cunt on me when she’d ride me? You wanna know that? You wanna know how I’d be wishin’ you were in my fuckin’ bed instead of that desperate hag?!” Joel taps the joint out and stands. “I’m goin’ fer’ a walk before I say somethin’ I fuckin’ regret.” He sighs.
“Oh, you don’t regret all of that?” You huff angrily. Joel spins around on the steps down to the lawn and points his finger at you.
“No. ‘Cause now you know. S’the fuckin’ truth. You believe it if you want. I don’t give a shit anymore. Done fuckin’ talkin’ about someone who I was usin’. Jesus Christ.” Joel turns and walks away. “Makes no fuckin’ sense. What the fuck?” He’s muttering to himself as he takes a left out of the driveway.
What the actual fuck. Okay. All those things he said sounded terrible because he was saying them so mean— and also, Joel…really?- regardless, those words did feel like a door shutting in your brain.
You watch Joel literally walk three houses down and to Tommy’s. He doesn’t even knock, he just lets himself into their home. You smirk because he didn’t go to the half-burnt down bar. He just went to talk to his brother! Amazing! You still want to throw up. Ugh. Hearing all that made you want to vomit.
“S’fuckin’ stupid.” Joel grumbles in the basement of Maria and Tommy’s new house. They are staring at him on the couch across from the chair he’s on. “So fuckin’ stupid. We made up!” Joel exclaims. “She’s bringin’ it up like we didn’t make up!”
“She can forgive you and still have her fears, Joel. It’s not like she’s throwing it back in your face every chance she got. She could!” Maria rolls her eyes at him.
“S’fuckin’ stupid.” Joel growls. Tommy chuckles and shakes his head.
“Hey, she’s talkin’ to you, right? S’when women get quiet you should be worried. Them goin’ radio silent on you? She’s already gone. Birdie is still talkin’. Issa good thing, Joel. Stop bein’ so pissed off all the time.” Tommy is still chuckling and Joel would punch him right in the face if his annoying wife wasn’t sitting right next to him.
“Shut th’fuck up.” Joel rolls his eyes and sighs loudly.
“You come over here to be mean to us instead? Because we will kick you out even if Birdie never will. I will.” Maria raises her eyebrows at her brother-in-law. Joel un-pinches his brow and sighs still loudly.
“What do I do? Huh? How do we get past all that?”
“Well it isn’t going to fix itself overnight, dingleberry.” Maria snaps at him and he’s so mad that Tommy married this bitch. Who the fuck is she calling a dingleberry? His brows repinch.
“Figure… y’all really never dealt with the Ava shit… Birdie killed her n’ that was it. Y’all just never talked about it; told me, you told her it was a misunderstanding. I get it, I know what happened with you n’ Ava. Birdie doesn’t.” Tommy explains.
“I told her there was nothin’ serious between you two.” Maria cuts in. “But Ava did go around here after you left talkin’ like you were her man when you were still here. Talked like if you ever came back you two were picking right back up where y’all left off.” Maria snorts. “Then you come back with Birdie.”
“Shit.” Joel huffs. “I didn’t know any of that.” Joel shakes his head. “Knew she had a big mouth. Dunno why I expected any different if I wasn’t around to shut it down if I heard about it.”
“We all told her we didn’t think you were comin’ back, but look’it Ava. Knew the truth all along.” Tommy laughs like it’s the funniest thing and so does Maria. Joel wants to take baby Tomas to you and burn this house down and laugh at them. Not funny.
“No one wanted to tell me she was doin’ that when I got back?” Joel lifts one eyebrow in question.
Maria and Tommy both blink at him.
“You had a half dead girlfriend in the hospital… we weren’t tellin’ you nothin’ negative. Then by the time she was better, Ava was bringing you bread n’ jam. Figured you two had squashed it all.” Tommy shook his head like he couldn’t believe Joel.
“I knew what she was doin’ the whole time. S’why I warned your girl before she was really your Birdie. You treated Ava like shit. Treated your wife like shit—”
“You shut the fuck up about my wife.” Joel sits forward and points his finger at her. “You dunno nothin’ ‘bout that shit so shut yer’ fuckin’ mouth.” Joel warns.
“Woah, man. S’my wife.” Tommy puts his arm across Maria’s chest.
“Get your smart mouth wife in check before I do it for you.” Joel stands and pushes the folding chair over when he does so. Tommy and Maria both flinch. “Come to you fer’ advice n’ you wanna bring up my abusive ex-wife. Fuck you.” He points to Maria. “Fuck you, too.” He points to Tommy.
“What?” Tommy and Maria are both in shock. “ She hit you?” They both say in unison. Joel nods and wishes he had a fucking time machine so he never fucking married that woman. The only good thing about her was Sarah. His daughter was disappointed in him all the time and died in his arms so yeah, he wishes he had a fucking time machine so he could just avoid that whole situation. Fuck. Fuck Tommy and his dumbass wife. Fuck.
“I’m so sorry, Joel. I would have never imagin—” Maria starts with a sound of wonder in her voice. Joel cuts her off because he hates her fucking voice.
“What? That I’d let some dumb bitch hit me? For three fuckin’ years? Yeah, well, I did. How do you feel about women hittin’ men, Maria? Do you get all up in arms ‘bout that, too? Or only when a man does it to a fucking twat? Lemme know.” Joel could spit on them but he doesn’t do that because he is fucking trying.
Fucking sonofafuckingbitch.
Now Joel is just walking around outside. He doesn’t want to go too far because… he doesn’t. He likes being close to you which is why he went to his stupid fucking brothers house. Joel knows Tommy is running up behind him before he sees him. His stupid fucking footsteps give him away.
“Fuck off.” Joel growls as he turns the corner that leads to the medical center. “Done with you n’ yer’wife.”
“No you’re not, man. I know we fucked up. I’m sorry, dude. Really. How come you never told me?” Tommy seems concerned about something that happened over twenty years ago! Almost thirty…over thirty… holy fuck. Joel is old. He hates that because you are not old. You are in your prime, honestly. Smokin’ fuckin’ hot. Put on a couple pounds from when you stopped eating. Were fuckin’ soft again. Holy shit, you were soft and when he squeezed you he didn’t feel just your skin n’ bones. Now you’re meaty and Joel could eat you alive. Jesus.
He’s getting hard thinking about it with his brother next to him like a fucking moron. They’re taking about his fucking abusive ex. Jesus Chrust.
“Why would I?” Joel grumbled. “Don’t wanna admit that I can’t get my fuckin’ wife to stop hitting me. Sounds fuckin’ stupid.” Joel is so fucking angry. What the fuck? Why is he talking about this with anyone but Don?
“Not fucking stupid, are you kidding? Do you know how often that shit happens, man? So often. You’re a fuckin’ statistic. Not just one fuckin’ guy who was scared of his–”
“I wasn’t fuckin’ scared of her. Dad just fuckin’ raised us better. You know that.” Joel glares at him.
“S’why she left? What happened?” Tommy doesn’t scare easily or even care about Joel’s face. That is just Joel’s face. It was like that on job sites before the outbreak literally all the time.
“Don’t fuckin’ worry ‘bout why she left. Just know I fuckin’ put up with that shit for three years. Three. Once Sarah was born, that’s when I said enough was enough.” Joel snaps angrily. “Fuck you. Fuuuuuck you. You say statistic how come you didn’t fuckin’ notice?”
“I did notice!! I did! You denied it! You said the scratches were from sex and the black eyes were from bar fights!!” Tommy exclaims with frustration. “I asked ‘bout ‘em so many times because I was the only one you went to the bar with!! Never fought anyone with me, motherfucker, so I knew.” Tommy points his finger at Joel. “I asked all th’fucking time if things were good with you n’ her and you always just said yes. That the sex was rough, s’how you liked it!” Tommy cannot believe Joel. “I would’a fuckin’ help you get out of that sooner, man. I would’a. I’m sorry you did that all alone. S’not fuckin’ fair.” Tommy sighs and tries to grab shoulder for a good jostle or something but Joel doesn’t let him get that far. He swats his hand away.
“Fuck you.” He snarls. “Fuck you. How was I– your older fuckin’ brother– supposed to ask you for help?” Joel is not going to cry. “Dad has just fuckin’ died and you were dealin’ with that—”
“Don’t you fuckin’ dare try and spin this around on me and make it my fault you didn’t tell me!!”
Fucking mother fucking cock sucking piece of shit cunt whore bitch.
That is the second time in less than an hour that someone has said almost those same exact fucking words to him in an argument and now it’s something he needs to fucking talk to Don about.
Son of a bitch.
“Don’t fuckin’ do that shit, man. That’s dumb as hell. Yeah, I was havin’ a hard time with Dad being gone. Yeah. You’re right but you don’t think that I would have pulled that shit together for you? We were fuckin’ tight, Joel. We really were. It wasn’t until after the outbreak that we fuckin’ split up.” Tommy was just getting louder and louder. You could’a told me. You were too ashamed, just fuckin’ admit it!” Tommy shouts at him and now he knows how you felt on the porch that day with the journal. Fuck.
“I have to go talk to my current wife. S’only one that’ll ever matter. Fuck you. I’m not really mad. I am mad. Not at you. Yes at you— and your dumbass wife—”
“Fuckin’ watch it. I’ll let it slide tonight only because of what you admitted to us down there. You ever talk about her like that again I will bury you right alongside your lil eskimo buddy-”
Joel hits him. Punches Tommy right in the fucking jaw. Had a right to be upset about him speaking of his wife poorly, yes. Even had a right to threaten his life because he is Joel’s brother but how the fuck dare Tommy bring you and that fucker Jacob Harris into this shit.
Tommy doesn’t go down like Joel was expecting and also hoping. He just wanted one good hit and to be done. No. Tommy comes back with his own fist but it’s to Joel’s stomach and it makes his balls curl up inside of him. Joel stumbles, hunched over, groaning in pain. Tommy stands in front of him, waiting.
“You fuckin’ done?” His younger brother sounds so smug. Too smug. “We’re too old for—” Joel does not let him finish. He his barreling into Tommy so he can sit on his chest and beat the shit out of him. Tommy was expecting this from his older brother who he has fought like this ten million times. Joel is taking fists to the head and back before Tommy even touches the ground.
“Not fuckin’ done.” Joel grunts taking a fist across his right cheek. It’s fiery hot and feels like his eyeball fucking fell out. Jesus Christ. This just makes him more upset with Tommy and Joel gets a good handful of his hair and holds Tommy’s head still. Tommy’s arms fall to his side and he smiles at his big brother.
“Go ahead. Break my fuckin’ nose. S’only shot you got, bitch. That or my fuckin’ teeth. That’ll hurt you, too.” Tommy sneers. Joel doesn’t want to hurt his brother that bad and he doesnt want more scrapes on his knuckles. Fuck.
Instead of hitting him, Joel pushes Tommy’s head back against the pavement with a dull thud and stands up. Joel holds his hand out to help Tommy up– who is now wincing and holding the back of his head.
“Such a fucking dick.” Tommy hisses. “Crackin’ my fuckin’ skull open.”
“You deserved it.” Joel growls wiping his cheek with the back of his hand. He is bleeding and thats annoying.
“Fine. Fair enough. We good?” Tommy holds his hand out to his brother to shake.
They do.
You watched the whole exchange from the porch. It was glorious and you didn’t get up to help one single fucking time. Joel just got yelled at by Tommy. You didn’t really hear what it was about, it was too far away to make out. You did see Joel get his shit rocked by his brother. Liked it. Made you feel good.
It also, sadly, turned you on when Joel hit Tommy. It did. You’re a terrible person. You know this.
“You see all that?” Joel sounds ashamed. You nod silently, smoking the joint he put out earlier. He sighs. “Sorry.” You shrug. “Sorry ‘bout what I said before I left. I am a fuckin’ ass. I am. I really am sorry.” Joel kneels between your legs. “Please don’t give up on me. Not tryin’ to make you feel badly. I’m asking. Please. I’m workin’ on it. I am. I’m goin’ to talk to Don first thing in the morning.” His hands roam across your thighs.
“I’m not leavin’. I was just tryin’ to talk to you.” You whisper and hand him the joint. “There’s a difference.” You lean in and kiss him softly. “I believe you about Ava. I do. It’s not a worry in my mind anymore. Just stop blowin’ up at me. I don’t like that.” You speak against his lips and kiss him again. “Hate it. I get it happens sometimes, we all fuck up. I was ready for it tonight and I don’t like that. Not one bit.”
“I know. I know. S’why I left before I did really blow up on you. I didn’t want to. Then my cocksuckin’ brother has to talk shit and we fight. I hate this, Bird.” He rests his head in your lap and sighs. You run your fingers through his hair gently. “I’m lucky you love me. I really am.”
“Do you want me to clean up your face? You’re bleedin’ all over me.” You offer kindly and with love in your voice because even though he can be an asshole, yes, you struggle with the same issues, just at a different level. You can be sassy and unhelpful during arguments. You might not be as mean but you’ve had moments. You know how hard it is to keep your mouth shut sometimes.
You know in your heart you will not end up like your mother though. Being spoken badly to by her husband for twenty-five years. Waiting for him to come home, pacing the kitchen nervously, making sure nothing was out of place or dirty. Made sure he always had his favorite beer and snacks in the fridge only to still be yelled at about something— her hair or weight or her fucking clothes. He was such a fucking cocksucker. The only things he taught you was good work ethic and how to survive. How to be a shitty parent and you won't do that.
“Please.” Joel lifts his head and sees the small bloodstain he left on your jeans. “M’sorry, baby.”
“Don’t be. I’ll clean you up and then you’re gonna make it up to me with a good cuddle. We always make up nice.” You smirk at him. He doesn’t smile back, he looks forlorn. “Oh, Hon. Don’t look so fretful. You’re too handsome for that.” You cup the unbloodied side of his face gently with your palm.
“I am fretful, babygirl.” He whispers. “Fretful I might lose you— scare you away. Be too mean to you. Told you I’m rough with fragile things. I don’t wanna break you.” The fretfulness never leaves his eyes.
“I’m here. Married to you. Pushed out your giant fucking baby– Joel, I’m here. Don’t be scared that I’m going to leave. I’m right here and I see you trying.” You whisper back to him and wipe the blood dripping down his other cheek with your thumb. You wipe it on your pants and lean in close to him. “I’m doing everything I can to make this better. Keep us happy the way that we have been.”
“I know, Birdie. I know.” Joel rests his forehead against yours. “You’re the most incredible thing to ever happen to me. You really are. Besides my three girls, Birdie, you really are.” Joel looks like he might cry when he speaks but you can tell he’s holding the tears in. “I’ve never given a shit about bein’ better. Never. Just was an asshole and told people to accept it or get out. Not you. You deserve more than that.”
Joel leads you into the bathroom and you sit him down on the closed toilet. He’s already bruised and swollen. No black eye this time. You run a wet rag across his cheek and he hisses in discomfort.
“Sorry.” You purr down to him. Joel’s hands grip your waist as you clean him. His head is tilted up to yours gently, he’s staring up to you with those brown eyes you love so much.
“Don’t be. Give me my lashin’s. I deserve ‘em.” He smirks.
“Why were you fighting with Tommy?” You whisper curiously. Joel sighs and rolls his eyes.
“I’mma tell you. I don’t wanna do into detail ‘bout it t’night. I’ll tell you more another time, okay?” He offers and you accept because why not? You’d like to know. “I called Maria a bunch of names tonight. Didn’t really mean to, she just ran her mouth ‘bout something she doesn’t know anything about.” Joel grumbles.
“Your ex-wife?” You tilt your head gently. Joel wrinkles his brow.
“How th’fuck do you know?” Joel growls. You press the rag into the gash on his cheek gently and he hisses. “Sorry. How do you know that?” He is softer with his words but still angry, it’s chiseled into his face.
“She told me what she thought happened between you. Said she really had no idea. Just what Tommy told her, but she said he didn’t really know either.” You explain, pressing your hand just below his ear. You thumb rubs across his sideburns and you grip his neck gently with your fingertips. “You told me she hit you when you’d fight—”
“All the time, Bird. It was constant.” He sighs and closes his eyes. “Not even fightin’. Just constant. Wake up— gettin’ wailed on for snoring at night, or getting decked before I’m even fully through the door from work because I didn’t leave coffee. Dumb shit, Birdie.” He has tears in his eyes. “I hit her back one time. One time in three years because I just wanted it to end. I jus’ wanted it to stop. I didn’t want Sarah growing up to see that, so I stood up for myself one fucking time.” Joel blinks and the tears fall. “I’m such a fuck up, Birdie.”
“I’m sorry, Joel.” You kiss the tears away from his cheeks and the corners of his eyes. He holds you close to him.
“I’m workin’ on it, Bird.”
“You use your anger for a plethora of different things, Joel.” Don sounds excited, like he was ready to talk about it and Joel hates it. “A defense, a survival skill, insecurities. You hide behind your anger, is what it comes down to.”
“I don’t hide from shit.” Joel scoffs. “Didn’t even like hidin’ from the infected. I liked to shoot ‘em. Stab ‘em.” He’s grumbling as Don chuckles.
“I bet you weren’t as angry when you had infected to stab and shoot.” Don’s smirk is a little infectious. Nora is here with Joel today. She pulls herself up on the couch and side steps along it while babbling softly. Sounds like she is saying dada.
“You sayin’ Dad? Huh?” Joel leans over in his chair and calls her name. Nora’s head spins around, catches Joel’s eye and grins.
“Dada.” She declares happily.
“Shut up.” Joel snaps his eyes up to Don. “You heard that?” Joel is stunned. She’s never spoken before! Her first word! Dada!? Joel could jump for joy. Despite his old back, Joel crawls on the floor with Nora and looks right at her. “You sayin’ Dada?” He raises his eyebrow at her and she squeals happily and tries to walk but stumbles and falls on her butt.
“Dada.” She squeals and holds her arms up for Joel.
Jesus Christ.
“Heard it both times.” Don chuckles as Joel pulls Nora into his lap and holds her while he leans against the couch she had been using to walk along. “Does that make you feel good?” Don asks curiously.
“Jesus, yes. Hearin’ her little voice? Callin’ for me?” Joel looks down at the curls of brown hair sat on top of her head. “You love me?” Joel whispers down to her. She grins with her still toothless gums and says it again.
“Dada dada dadadada dada.” She babbles while slapping her hands against Joel’s stomach.
“You’re a good dad.” Don smiles down at him. “Imagine yelling at her. Calling her terrible things.” Don suggests and Joel’s heart literally turns black and dies inside him.
“I would never.” Joel holds the baby close to his chest. “She doesn’t deserve that. Just a baby.”
“She won’t be forever.” Don shrugs his shoulder. “How will you control yourself then? Or will it not matter, because she is no longer a baby?” Joel wants to rip Don’s head off for saying this shit. “You told me you and your wife have fought in front of her.” Don nods down to the child in his lap. “She won’t remember now… but she will soon enough.”
“Shit.” Joel sighs and kisses the top of Nora’s head as she babbles his name. “I’m sorry, Worm. I am.” Joel nuzzles his nose into her curls and she screams happily.
“You say you hate your wifes father for how he treated her and her family. He sounds like a man who couldn’t control his anger.” Don warns Joel seriously.
“How? How do I control it? I get so fuckin’ mad and see red—” Joel starts to growl but sees Nora-Worm lookin’ up at him with a scared look on her face and Joel’s heart shrivels up now and drops into his stomach. “Sorry, Worm. I am.” He kisses her face gently and she smiles up at him.
“You see red? Remove yourself from the situation.” Don suggests. “It’s what Patti does. She doesn’t like what she hears— she apologizes, excuses herself and finds something to distract her anger while she processes what has made her upset. Once the red is gone, she finds it easier to talk once she has had time to think.” Don explains. “You may need to explain why you do what you do to your wife— tell her that in the future, instead of losing your temper; you’ll remove yourself from the situation for a while.”
“I did that last night n’ I fist fought my brother in the street like we were fuckin’ kids again.” Joel smirks and doesn’t try to hide it. He doesn’t like fighting with Tommy but he likes fighting. It’s fun and get gets to punch people. Sometimes, he gets punched and he likes that too.
“So stay alone.” Don shrugs. “You’re going to direct your anger on someone. Use your anger as a positive. Use it as a reason to want to be better.” Don is speaking in some foreign language that Joel doesn’t understand. Don can tell. “Instead of letting the anger break you down and fuel arguments— use it as a catalyst to try and channel that energy into changing. Into finding healthy outputs. Working out– you could get your own journal for your secrets–” Don winks at Joel, it makes him smirk and shake his head.
“Never fuckin’ writin’ down what I did. No thanks.” Joel chuckles and Don snickers too because Joel has opened up to him and he knows why Joel wouldn’t want to do that.
“It is much more simple to say. To try and direct you to do these things. You need to find a hobby or a coping skill— it can be anything, going for a walk, doing ten push ups, getting a stress ball or goodness sake. It can be anything that isn’t yelling at your wife or kids and making them uncomfortable in their own home.” Don gives another warning. “When you grow up with an angry parent in the house— there will always be an angry parent in the house.”
“Son of a bitch, Don.” Joel grumbles. “I get it. I get it. I gotta be better or my wife n’ kids will hate me.” Joel sighs.
“Worse. You’ll hate yourself while they try to forgive and love you— when you don’t deserve it. Don’t let it get that bad, Joel. You’re a good man— really. A good man with a good heart who loves his family. You aren’t an angry man. Don’t turn into one, not a real angry man. Don’t turn into your wife’s father.”
Fuck. Fuck fuck. Fuck. Don is so right. Shit. Shit. You’re home probably comparing Joel to your dad right now. Fuck fuck fuck.
He has to do something. He needs you to know that he thinks you are perfect. How does he do that? He can’t just not be angry. Not today! Not right away! That’s also not something tangible that he could give you. Joel wants to place something inside of your hand and tell you he loves you and watch your face light up at whatever the fuck it is he can find in this forsaken place to give you.
There is nothing! Not even flowers from the greenhouse! They are all out on the graves! Fuck! Fuck! Joel wonders if stealing the flowers off someones grave would be a bad look. He needs something. Something to give you because he cannot lose you. He does not want you comparing him to your dad!? What!? No!! Joel has Nora in her arms. He didn’t wrap her against his chest or back today. Just carried the tiny child in his arms.
“What is your moms favorite thing?” He looks directly into the eyes of the Worm who looks just like the Bird she came out of. Fuck. She cannot talk! “Do you think she likes rocks and fuckin dirt? Bricks!? S’all I got, worm. Fuck. Slivers. I got slivers and bricks.” Joel is panicking. “She doesn’t like either of those things, Worm.” Nora is giggling at Joel’s worried face and it makes him chuckle. “You like seein’ me like this?” He hoots at the baby playfully. “You like seein’ your big dumb dad all stressed and fretful ‘bout your MommaBird? Huh?” He leans in and bites at Nora’s neck with his lip and she squeals and wiggles in his grasp.
Joel dips into one of the few little shops that had dumb house decorations in it. Nothing special, not a place Joel has ever been in! His house had come fully furnished and decorated. The people who had lived there before him had good taste! He liked it! S’why he picked it for you and the children and himself! Shit! Joel does not know what to do.
Nora and him walk around slowly, looking at every single thing in that store.
Then he fucking sees it. Joel almost passes out and drops the Worm. Jesus, it’s perfect n’ you’re going to love it and Joel has to go find someone to help him get it down because it’s like ten feet in the air on a wall so high up Joel cannot believe that he saw it. Nora is the one! Nora the Worm is the one who screamed and shot her little fat hand up to where Joel was climbing to get. He had fuckin’ bats flyin’ around in his heart when he takes it off the wall.
“S’been here since we got the colony!” The nice older woman who is holding Nora for him so he can climb the ladder. Nora is staring at this stranger woman with unease in her eyes.
“M’honestly shocked she’s never seen it in here before. She would’a brought this home n’ been had it hung up. No way she wouldn’t.” Joel takes the child back from the shop owner– her name is Suzie and she is older than Joel and married. Nice. Her husband, Gary is a nice guy. Worked hard as hell cutting trees down. Joel had only seen them around town before the raid, but now he knows Gary pretty well. Suzie seems like a good wife who loves n’ takes care of her husband from what her husband has told Joel about her in the woods. Respectable woman and Joel thinks that’s nice.
Suzie puts what Joel gets you in a little burlap sack so that it can be a gift. He basically runs home to give it to you.
Joel…barrels through the door with Nora and a bag in his hand. He is panting something heavy and has to set the baby down so he can catch his breath. You blink at him from the kitchen table. You’re sewing up his and yours jeans that have holes in them.
“Did— did you run here from Don’s?” You ask with shock and disbelief in your eyes and voice. “Why are you…panting?”
“Kinda ran. Mostly just… walked real fast.” Joel gasps for breath in the middle of the his sentence and it makes you chuckle. “I was excited to see you.” He herds Nora into the dining room with his feet and makes his way to the table.
“Excited to see me? For why?” You give him suspicious eyes but smirk. He’s handing the bag that he’s holding to you while looking down at the baby who is crawling to you.
“Listen to this.” He smirks and continues to stare at Nora. “Show Mom how you say Da-Da.” Joel coos down to the child happily. Your eyes snap up to him in horror and then back down to your youngest daughter who you absolutely know is about to betray you right now. She looks up at you with YOUR EYES and smiles with her cute little almost about to break her first tooth gums. You see the word forming in her mouth before she says it. You wanna put your hand over her mouth so you don’t have to hear her break your heart.
“Dada.” Nora smiles and her little voice is so high pitched and cute and she’s says babbles and almost-words all the time! Never a real definitive word!
“Oh my god.” You wail and cover your face with your hands. “She did it. She really sad Dada first. I thought for sure I’d get Mama out of her before she did this to me!” You point at the baby accusingly. “We talked about this!” You snap at her playfully and make her jump. She giggles. “We talked about this and you go n’ do it anyway! It was supposed to be Mama first. Mama, then El-El, then Dada.” You glare at Joel.
“I told you. I told you she’d say Dada first. She just loves her dad so much.” Joel teases you as he picks the baby up and blows a raspberry on her belly and she kick her legs wildly. “I got this for you ‘cause I knew you’d be sad ‘bout it.” Joel smirks but when you try to take it off the table, he holds his hand on it and psst’s you. You snap your eyes up to him and he’s got a serious face on now. “I know it ain’t gonna just fix everything… M’not trynna do that. I got this because you deserve nice things. You deserved to be thought about n’ remembered. Treasured. I do. I’mma show you how much.” Joel slides the bag to you across the table four inches and removes his hand.
You blink at him, raise one eyebrow and then sigh.
“Okay.”
When you pull out the nine by nine inch black and white sign with the perfect words on it. You tear up because how did he get this?
“Did you make this?” You whisper, holding the sign with one hand. The other is over your mouth because you’re stunned. Shocked. Flabbergasted.
“No! I didn’t! I found it, B. At that old home decorations store. I went there with Nora after Don’s to look ‘round. See if I could find you somethin’ nice. This was all the way up by the ceiling. Nora-Worm helped me find it.” He kisses the babies cheek and puts one hand on your shoulder. “Thought we could put it in one of the bathrooms, since that’s where you do it.”
“Joel…” You whimper as the tears start to fall. It’s so simple and so silly.
It’s just a little black sign. It has a pair of hair-cutting scissors on it… and a salon chair and the words across the bottoms say B’s Salon. You are his B, his Bird, Birdie-Girl. You know how much he loves you with this silly sign. He knows what it means and the memories and wishes behind it.
“Better than the big ring.” You whimper and press your face into the front of his stomach. He’s chuckling and holding the back of your head gently.
“I’d build you a salon, Birdie. A real one… in town.” Joel whispers. “If it’s what you really want.”
“I just wanna do your guys’ hair.” You sob into his stomach. “Always n’ forever.”
Notes:
^ they really do love each other. plus look'it that smile D: I AM GOING TO PASS AWAY
I also hope that I don't make our man sound or act too much like an ass. He has anger issues and possibly some respect issues but...he's working on them. I try real hard to show the difference from when he is mad and when he is just regular n' soft n' dumb. He's not really an asshole! Just defensive!!
Chapter 28: Everywhere, Everything
Summary:
Everywhere, everything
I wanna love you 'til we're food for the worms to eat
'Til our fingers decompose
Keep my hand in yourseverywhere, everything - noah kahan
Notes:
TRRIGGGEEERRR WAAAARRRNNNIIINGGGG:
In this chapter there are so many different subjects that might be hard for people to read (ie self-arm, child loss, mental health) and I don't always talk about it positively, it doesn't come from my own thoughts. I try and think how someone who doesn't understand mental health might speak (ie the actions and thoughts portrayed in this story do not reflect how I feel on mental health and or self harm.) I am an advocate for getting help and would never ever shame anyone. ever.
that being said. I've decided to make this a long fic. Probably won't be doing anymore time jumps like I did before. If I do, they won't be as large. I also... need to apologize for my terrible timeline. Ignore my seasons and mentions of time. I dunno anything. Just how to write a story kinda good. So, Joel and Birdie knew each other for... lets say.. two months before he asked to to Salt Lake. That's all I should explain. I'm so sorry. I suck so bad.
I also love you all so much, I literally think about you all when I write chapters. the ones of you that comment religiously are seriously amazing. I'd be best friends with you all <3
I'll have more notes down at the bottomed with important dates I made up.
y'all remember when I said I'd never use song lyrics for my chapter summaries? Well guess what. I'm like Joel. I like to protect you but I'mma do it again... it'll always be my boy Noah.. always...
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“So… Ellie… tell me about yourself. Anything at all.” Don smiles at Ellie politely and she thinks he looks like someone's grandpa. This is what a grandpa must look like. He is old, fat and has white hair and glasses. He is clean shaven, he smells nice and his clothes look clean. Ellie likes the brown sweater he has on.
“I dunno. What should I talk about?” She is so fucking nervous. She told you that she would come talk because she wanted to make you happy but she doesn’t want to talk. She wants to forget. Why talk about things? Why solidify them into your being? Like carving everything into your ribcage so it stays with you forever. She wonders if she should say that to Don.
“Whatever you want.” Don shrugs his shoulders and crosses one leg over the other. “When I had teenage patients– they were usually coming to see me because they were troubled… uh… upset with the life that had been handed to them. Felt it unfair– so they acted out negatively.” Don explains.
“Negatively how?” Ellie is curious as to how she could act out if she wanted to. Don chuckles and adjusts his glasses.
“Drugs. Fighting. Running away from home. Some of my more serious patients would hurt themselves quite badly. Tried to end their lives.” Don is straight up about it and Ellie likes that.
“Why would someone want to hurt themselves? Killing yourself…kinda makes sense… My mom told me about it a little. But just wanting to hurt yourself seems dumb.” Ellie shakes her head and looks at her dirty shoes. Ellie hates hurting. Wouldn’t want to inflict more pain upon herself if she could avoid it.
“Sometimes it’s a control thing. Sometimes it becomes impulsive when someone’s mental health deteriorates enough. Both still come from a place of feeling a lack of control over something— your feelings, things in your life, how you think about yourself. It’s a mental health thing.” Don is an honest guy. Ellie trusts him right now.
“I don’t think I’m that fucked up.” Ellie chuckles and this makes Don laugh.
“I don’t think you are either. I know your parents don’t either. Can I talk about them for a moment?” Don asks and recrosses his legs, shifting in his chair to get comfortable. Ellie curls her legs up underneath her and nods. “You have interesting parents. Your situation is interesting.” Don smiles at her nicely. She smiles back, unsure if she should because she doesn’t really know what that means.
“Why? What’s so interesting about them?” She loves you guys… but you’re just Joel and Bird. Normal people…she thinks.
“You’re so young still—”
“No. I’m grown. I’ve been through a lot.” Ellie snaps at him
“… that’s not me trying to demean you. It’s the truth. You don’t know what life was like before the outbreak. You only know violence and running. Trying to stay as safe as possible with the very real threat of dying every day. You were raised in that…born into it. They were not.” Don sighs sadly.
“I know. I know it was a lot different. I’ve heard stories and stuff.” Ellie gets defensive because now she feels like Don thinks she’s dumb. She’s not dumb and she’s also not young. She is grown. More grown than he knows.
“Hearing about it and living it are very different.” Don nods at her. “Honestly, you’ve had it very rough, Ellie. Very. I’m sorry for whatever you went through, I really am. You need to think about how Joel and Bird lived before the only life you’ve ever known.” Don pauses for a moment.
“So? I have to learn to adjust to shit, so should they. They’re fucking grown ups. They’re supposed to be there for me always, protect me and love me and then they fucking just stopped one day.” She throws her hands up in frustration. “How do I know they’re not going to do that again? Huh? It wa real easy for them to say they cared, real easy to say the poem and sing the fucking song but it was also real easy to fucking forget about me.” Ellie crosses her arms over her chest and wonders where that fucking came from. Holy shit.
“That’s what you talk about.” Don chuckles. “I’m not saying you have to cut them a break. Children are their parents' biggest and most harsh critics. You’ll hold them to the flames and make them sweat… do you know why?” Don raises one eyebrow.
“Becuause they fucking love me, I know. But they still forgot about me.” Ellie snorts in annoyance.
“Didn’t forget. Stop using that word.” Don is firm when he says this to Ellie and it makes her soften a little for some reason. “They didn’t forget about you. Not for one second–”
“My mom literally said she forgot about me and Nora and Joel. So… now what?” Ellie stares at him with tight lips.
“Respectfully… your mom doesn’t really know what she is talking about. To her it may feel like she forgot…” Don leans forward and shakes his head from side to side at Ellie slowly. “You were front and center in her brain all those days she lay in bed weeping. You and your sister. Thoughts of how much you probably disliked her…didn’t trust her.” Don speaks slowly. “She didn’t forget to care for you… she just lost all the motivation to do so. Lost all sense of herself…her purpose. Postpartum depression isn’t about forgetting, Ellie. PPD is about a hormonal change… a difference in your environment… fears of being a new mother… all different things. But never is it about a lack of love for her children, Ellie. That always remains. Always. Regardless of how your mother acted, she loved you.”
Ellie stares at him coldly.
“Think about how hard it had to be for her knowing you were raising your little sister… and she still couldn’t find it in her heart or brain to come take Nora from you.” Don looks sad for you. Looks sad for Ellie possibly. “Don’t cut her slack, hold her accountable like you have been. It’ll help her stay on track.”
“What about my fucking dad? That lying sack of shit.” Ellie spits at Don frustratedly. Don laughs heartily and it makes the corners of her mouth turn up slightly.
“Honest question… is Joel mean to you ever? Yell at you or your mother terribly? Make you two upset?” Don is now worried and Ellie doesn’t like that. She will fix this.
“No.” She lies…partially. “Okay. Joel never says terrible things to me, we used to fight a little before I met Bird.” She is honest. Her and Joel did bicker but not often. “Joel and mom fight a little. Way more than they ever did on the road.” Ellie scoffs. It was so nice on the road. You two were always so happy and never fought. If you did… Ellie had no idea and she liked that.
“You hear them fight?” Don is curious.
“Used to. Then I left their house for a while and went to stay with some of my friends. They don’t… I dunno. It’s not like fighting when they argue. Not when I hear them.” Ellie is honest. “Joel doesn’t really say anything terrible. Neither does Mom. Sounds like they just wanna be happy with each other.” Ellie is fucking sad. She knows you two love each other. Doesn’t know why two people in love would fight. Makes no sense to her.
“Ready for what I have to say or do you want a couple minutes? Have more to tell me?” Don asks. Ellie wrinkles her brow in curiosity. Don… giving her the choice…. She likes it.
“I have more to say.” She snaps. “Why do things feel different now? When we were on the road it felt like they were more in love somehow…they weren’t even dating I don’t think. I’m pretty sure Joel brought her there to bang.” Ellie admits. Don chokes on his laughter.
“You are too smart and observant.” He chuckles. “You ready now?” He is still smiling. “There are phases in relationships. Right after you meet and feelings are shared… They call that the honeymoon phase.” Don smirks. “Everything is perfect. Why fight? You just started dating. Everything is great.” Don nods at Ellie. She shrugs. “Now… They have a house to maintain. Your father worked and still does now. Your mother who had been alone for so long is now trying to navigate this new place with all these people.”
“So? Like I said…she is a grown up. She can adjust.” Ellie has very little sympathy for you. You won't even tell her about your time in the woods and that's what Ellie wants to hear about most. Fuck.
“Easier said than done. I bet you had a hard time adjusting to having to listen and be under the care of Joel while you were traveling.” Don offers a relatable situation. She doesn’t wanna hear it.
“I’m a kid.”
“I thought you were grown,” Don winks at her. “This is what I mean, Ellie. It’s not always black and white or cut and dry. Sometimes life throws curveballs at you and you are not always ready to catch them. Your mom took a curveball to her head when she had Nora. That’s what happened. Knocked her down for a while. She dropped all the other curveballs life had thrown at her– that she had caught with grace– when that happened. You. Joel. Her responsibilities. You think Bird went on that bang-train to Salt Lake thinking she was going to end up caring for you so deeply?” Don smirks as Ellie laughs at him.
“No. I know she didn’t.” Ellie smirks at the memories that you two made. Mostly the fighting.
“When you look at him like that… it makes you look desperate.” Ellie snarks at you quietly. You’re looking at Joel who is just standing by the door doing a quick check before bed. You were just looking but you had a dumbass look in your eye. You guys had been out here for maybe a week, hadn’t really run into anything crazy yet.
“Will you stop talking to me? I didn’t come here to keep you fucking entertained. Look somewhere else besides where the fuck my eyes are gazing. Jesus.” You snap back at her just as quiet. “I was just making sure he was okay. Fuck. You’re so annoying.” You roll over in your sleeping bag and face away from Ellie.
She smiles because he did what she wanted to do. Embarrass you. Perfect.
“He’s fine. It’s Joel. He’s always fine.” Ellie snaps.
“Shut up. I’m trying to sleep.” You hiss.
“What the fuck are you even going to Salt Lake for anyway?” Ellie questions with no real niceness to her tone.
“None of your fucking business, brat. Shut up. You’re terrible. Can’t wait ‘till you’re not around anymore. It’ll be so fuckin’ quiet and I can look at whatever I want without the fucking Joel police around.”
Ellie smirks and holds back a chuckle. Joel was right. You are a funny bitch.
“Like he wants you lookin’ at him. Drooling.” Ellie sneers in a whisper. You spin around in your sleeping bag.
“I wasn’t fucking drooling. And why do you say that? Did he tell you that he didn’t want me to look at him or something?” You sound so nervous. Ellie smirks again and keeps her lips tight. She lays down and faces away from you. “Brat. Hey— girl… Emma or whatever. What did he say to you?”
“Yeah. She didn’t come on that trip trying to walk away from it with a gunshot wound and a new kid.” Ellie chuckles.
“That was something she handled with grace, was it not?” Don shrugs one shoulder up in question.
“I guess. She was really good… even after she had Nora. She’d make us dinner and we’d play games. She was a real good mom for a long time. Still is now.” Ellie admits.
“She just made some mistakes. Never meant to hurt you. Do you want to talk about Joel now? We accidentally redirected it back to Bird. We could wait and talk about him another day if you’d like,” Don offers her another choice.
“Okay. What’s his fucking problem?” Ellie like Don but she doesn’t want him to know this right away.
“What isn’t his problem?” Don jokes with a smile. Ellie smirks. “Ellie… you’ve struggled with loss, right?” He asks curiously.
“Yes.” She answers shortly.
“Dealt with death of someone you love deeply?” He pushes. She nods silently.
“I don’t want to make excuses for Joel, because he doesn’t need them… but you do not understand to feel the loss of your child.” Don whispers sadly. Ellie’s heart pangs. She knows she doesn’t understand that pain.
“I know.” She whispers.
“The loss of a child is the most tortuous pain a good, loving parent will ever know.” Don is serious when he speaks. “Joel deals with that every day. Not something you ever work through… not with therapy or medication. Those just dull the pain. Never take it away completely. Some of my adult patients came to me when they dealt with the loss of their children.” Don explains.
“S’hard for them to talk about?” Ellie is mesmerized by Don right now and doesn’t really know why.
“Incredibly hard. Even when parents had time to prepare for the loss of their child. All of my patients children had a terminal illness–”
“Terminal?” Ellie has never heard this.
“Never going to get better. Is going to die no matter what.” Don explains. Ellie gasps softly.
“Oh.”
“Yes. Even when those parents knew what to expect… it still was never easy or palpable. Never made the loss fair. Those parents were thankful their children were no longer suffering— they all wished they never had to suffer, wished they could have lived to see their child do everything. Those parents were prepared, informed of the eventual loss.”
“Joel didn’t get any warning…” Ellie sighs the words out in sadness. “Never got to say goodbye really…” Ellie feels tears in her eyes… she almost left him without saying goodbye.
“Exactly. That will do something to you. Change you. Mold you into something or someone you don’t necessarily want to be.” Don explains. “Again… Don’t cut him slack. Call him out when you see he might be slipping back into unhealthy coping habits…it might be scary for you but do you know what?” Don raises an eyebrow.
“Huh?” Ellie is trying to keep the tears in her eyes.
“It’ll mean more coming from you. And he won’t say terrible things to you because he loves you. Doesn’t want you to hate him. He’s good about controlling his anger in front of his girls. I believe that. I wouldn’t give you that advice if I worried he would lash out at you.”
Joel is waiting for Ellie when she walks out of Don’s. He has Nora in his arms. The baby reaches for Ellie. The sisters embrace and snuggle on Don’s front porch for a minute before they head home.
“Mom’s making steak sandwiches for dinner.” Joel smiles down at Ellie. “She knows you like ‘em most.” He nudges her with his elbow. Ellie smiles.
“Sure do. I better get two.” She teases up to her dad. “Did you have a good day today?” She offers conversation. Not normal. Joel seems stunned.
“Yeah. We’re gettin’ the market all fixed up. Boarding up with window that got smashed. Next we’re going to tear down that bowling ally. Put in something new. More fun. Maybe a roller rink or something.” Joel smiles down at her.
“Sucks we never got to go bowling.” Ellie sighs. Joel wraps his arm around her shoulder gently.
“I know. I’m sorry. There is a roller rink in the city of Jackson. We’re gonna need to drive down there in Mom’s truck and get all the roller blades and stuff. You’d wanna come with me to do that?” Joel raises an eyebrow. “Who knows what else we’ll find.”
“I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.” Ellie hasn’t been this excited since Joel took her hunting.
“You’ll probably wanna… I dunno… learn how to drive your moms truck?” He smirks down at her and Ellie feels love in her heart.
“She’d let you do that?” Ellie also doesn’t think you’re that cool. Joel shrugs.
“I could ask her. I don’t really wanna keep anything from her anymore.” Joel is a good husband. Ellie can tell even though she thinks guys are fucking stupid and disgusting.
“What if she says no?” Ellie is sad now. Joel shrugs again.
“Dunno. We’re workin’ on bein’ real honest with each other ‘bout everything. Dunno if I’d go behind her back after she told me not to.” Joel explains with his arm still around her shoulder.
“You could just not ask and we could never tell her.” Ellie is so smart.
“You have a big mouth. Like to tell your mom everything I do.” Joel is tickling her sides and Ellie grips Nora tight and tries to run away but Joel grabs her around the waist and pulls his two daughters back against his chest. He kisses Ellie on the back of the head and Nora directly between the eye. She looks stunned by this and it make Ellie and Joel laugh. Joel takes his place beside her again.
“I’m sorry I told Mom about Ava.” Ellie whispers. “I know you should have been the—”
“Bug.” Joel stops on the sidewalk and looks at Ellie seriously. “Don’t ever apologize for that. Your mom had a right to know. I should’a told her long before we ever went to Salt Lake. I just didn’t want her to hate me.” Joel whispers. “Once we got back here to Jackson and Ava showed up with her jam n’ bread… I knew I fucked up. I knew I was going to have to tell her and it fuckin’ scared me, El. I was such an ass before we got back here. Such a dick.” Joel sighs. “I’m tryin’ to be better for her. I am. I’m sorry you had to tell her. I’m sorry I pushed her to have to even ask you about it.”
“What were you thinking about when that happened?” Ellie points to the scar on his forehead. “I know you were sad about Sarah. I know. But what was going through your head?” Ellie sees Joel pang and wince. She feels bad… but not really. She wants to know. Joel doesn’t answer for a while, just stares at Ellie and then flicks his eyes to Nora.
“Y’really wanna know?” Joel sighs. Ellie nods. “I was thinkin’ about how if I had been a better father to her, I’d have more memories than just her bein’ disappointed with me.” Joel whispers. “I was havin’ those same thoughts about you while I was lookin’ for you in the hospital. That… if I had just been a dad to you when I wanted to be, when I thought maybe you wanted me and Bird to do that for you… We’d be making memories instead of only havin’ the ones we made on the way out there.” Joel sighs and Ellie thinks for a long time.
“Did you shoot Marlene?” She whispers softly. Joel nods.
“Can I talk ‘bout it for a minute with you?” Joel sits down on the curb and motions for her to sit with him. She does.
“What.. did she say?” Ellie asks quietly. Joel sighs.
“S’might be hard for you…” Joel looks down at her carefully. “She knew the whole time, Bug. When she sent us out of Boston…she knew what she wanted me to take you to Salt Lake for.” Joel whispers.
Ellie doesn’t cry because she already kind of knew this. Marlene never got close to her or told her that she cared about her. Was cold to her most of the time. Why would someone do that unless they knew… and was trying to protect themselves. Ellie thought about it a lot.
“If I had known… I wouldn’t have taken you… shit I might have… but once we got here the first time… I wouldn’t have let us leave. I would have told you what they had planned. I cared ‘bout you when we got here and I found Tommy. I told you that.” Joel kisses the side of her head. “I just wanted to keep you safe. Try n’ let you be a kid. Have a childhood, if possible. Give you a good mom if she ever made it out of that medical center.”
Ellie doesn’t really know what to say.
“I’m sorry I lied. I really am. I’m sorry that I promised you all these nice things.” Joel sighs. “Do you think more now that it’s quiet? Never had much time to think about anything else on the road but stayin’ alive.” Joel is curious.
“Yeah. I know what you mean. It’s like… ugh… I dunno.” Ellie grunts.
“S’like when we were on the road all of our bullshit was settled at the bottom. Just clear n’ clean on top. Once we got here… s’like someone shook me up. Mucked up all the clear n’ clean in my head n’ heart.” Joel tries to explain.
“Yeah. Exactly.” Ellie presses her forehead to Nora’s. The baby babbles and tries to bite Ellie’s nose.
“I’m tryin’ to filter all that shit out so I don’t get all shaken up again.” Joel murmurs. “Wanna be here with you n’ for you always. You and Worm. My Bird, my Bug and my Worm. Lil critters.” Joel smirks and kisses the babies cheek.
“I appreciate it. You trying. Working on it. I love you.” Ellie rests her head on Joel’s shoulder. “You’re a good Dad. We’re lucky to have someone who is willing to change… work on it for us.” Ellie pulls away and holds the baby out to him. “She shit though. So take your stinkin’ shit factory back.” Ellie plops the shitty baby in Joel’s lap.
“Stinks like eggs. Hasn’t had eggs in two days. You got a secret stash off scrambled eggs in your crib somewhere?” Joel stands off the curb and helps Ellie to her feet. “You gonna go back n’ talk to Don again?”
“Yeah. He was pretty cool. Had a neat sweater on.”
Joel rolls his eyes at her.
“Your dad told me you guys had a real good talk yesterday.” You smile Ellie pushes Nora on the swing at the park. Perfect little baby swing for Nora and Tomas. They were the youngest in town.
“Yeah, we did.” Ellie offers you nothing else and it makes you chuckle.
“Did you like talking to Don? Are you glad you went?” You love talking to her but it can be fucking nerve-wracking sometimes. You’re so afraid you’re gonna piss her off. She looks over at you now and it makes your stomach drop but you don’t know why– you get nervous when she looks at you. Like she might scold you.
“I did. We talked about you a lot.” She smirks.
What the fuck.
“Good things?” You’re fucking pissing your pants right now, Jesus. Ellie needed to talk to her therapist about you!? You thought she was going to talk about David or Dina and Jeans or whatever that fucking kids name that fucked Dina is!!! Fuck!
“Kinda. Helped me see what you were going through better. Not going to lie, what you said about forgetting me was fucking stupid. It hurt my feelings worse, kind of.” Ellie admits and now you’re dead. You died and are laying in front of her with a knife asking her to just stab your dead body so your ghost can watch. UGH.
“I’m sorry, Squeaker. I am.” You whisper.
“No. Don’t be sorry. Don just said you’re dumb and don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Which made more sense than you fucking forgetting about me, you idiot.” She snaps. If she wasn’t so right you’d fist fight your fifteen year old daughter in the park.
“Okay…” You sigh in defeat.
“I love you. Don’t think I could ever stop. But don’t ever fucking say you forgot about us ever again.” Ellie warns threateningly. “I might stop if you do that. Might stop if you ever let yourself get that fucking sad again either. You know what it looks n’ feels like now. Don’t let it happen again. I mean it.” She is being so snappy and angry but so encouraging. Kinda scary. She is Joel’s long lost daughter.
Where the fuck was Joel when she was conceived?? Since he’s so frivalent with his come when he’s fucked up, apparently.
How are those kids ever gonna find him? Ha!
Just kidding it’s been eating you alive since he said that. How thankful that Ava had no fucking ovaries, but Joel didn’t fucking know that. Deep breath. It’s all fine. He has no other children in this colony and no mistress and he’s the most perfect husband who told you that so he could give you the truth which you so desperately needed to hear, apparently.
“What’re you thinkin’ about, Mom?” Ellie asks softly.
“Nothing!!” You exclaim. “I was thinking about nothing. And I think we should go home. We should… we don’t have to. It’s nice outside.” You huff in embarrassment for getting caught being jealous! Of nothing!! He’s your husband!! “I’m sorry. You just frazzled me.” You sigh. “I’m sorry I made you feel worse. I just pull shit out of my ass sometimes and try to put a bow on it and say ‘this is looks nice, does this help?’ and it literally is just shit with a bow on it so it does nothing to help.” You admit sadly. This makes Ellie laugh. Belly laugh. Nora laughs at her for laughing and now all three of you are cracking each other up in the park.
“Dina and I are cool again.” Ellie offers this to you with no prompts after the three of you settle down.
“You on the path of forgiveness or somethin’?” You asked, kind of shocked. Ellie shrugs.
“Kinda lonely. I’d rather forgive her for something… that wasn’t even really wrong in the first place.” Ellie sighs. You wrinkle your brow. “She knew I liked her. Didn’t know if she liked girls or boys or what the fuck ever…”
“Have you and Dina…” You wrinkle your nose. “Are you guys still.. Just friends?” You ask nervously. Ellie groans.
“Ugh. Moooom, stop.” She looks like she could fall over. You grimace because you don’t really want to know.
“It matters, Squeaker. If you and Dina had taken that next step… she shouldn’t have been with someone else unless she told you… first. Given you the knowledge that she was going to do something like that.” You explain kindly. “It’s different if you two were still just friends. With no… ugh… intimate feelings between each other.”
“We’ve never done anything, Mom. That’s why I forgave her.” Ellie snaps. You hold your hands up in surrender.
“Fair enough. I just wanna make sure you know the difference between forgiving and being taken advantage of. That’s all Squeak. Tynna be your mom now. Real mom shit is kind of uncomfortable.” Explain. “But… you can always talk to me about anything… no matter how uncomfortable.”
“I know.” Ellie sighs.
“I know you do. I was fifteen once too, though. I know how much shit happens when you’re not locked away in your bedroom.” You smirk.
“Did you act out?” Ellie looks at you out of the corner of her eye. Therapy talk.
“Sometimes. Yeah. I snuck out of the house all the time. I lied to my parents. I fooled around with boys when I was too young and shouldn’t have been worried about boys. Should have been worried about being a kid,” You smirk.
“When did you lose your virginity?” Ellie whispers. You die again. Right here in the park.
“Ugh.” You grumble.
“What? Jacob Harris a terrible lay?” She smrirks and teases you.
“IneversleptwithJacob.” You spit it all out fast and jumbled together. Ellie snaps her head over to you.
“He was your boyfriend before the outbreak though.” She tilts her head to the side. You nod. She does not understand why you didn’t fuck Jacob when you were fifteen.
“I was scared. Scared it was gonna hurt. I didn’t want it to hurt.” You mumble.
“Did it hurt?” She raises her eyebrow like she had never fucking heard about this pain before. You nod.
“Lil bit. Pinches. Achy kinda.” You’re maybe a little too honest but she is talking to you and not being scary or threatening.
“Someone you met after the outbreak?” She pushes and you wanna push her into a puddle.
“Yeah. Don’t worry about who it was though. Doesn’t matter. Just push your sister on the swing.” You snap. Ellie chuckles.
“It’s not like Joel is gonna know….” She snaps her head to you. You’re shaking your head no before she even looks over to you.
“Nope.” You lie. She points to you accusingly. She shakes her hand at you and abandons the baby in the swing. “Stop pointing. You know not one single thing in this world, Brat. Get your finger out of my face.” You grumble at her. She is giggling.
“He was your first?” She is giggy with this news for some reason. “Joel? Really? You met him what? Like almost two years ago?”
Fuck off, Ellie
“Okay yes. I lost my virginity almost two years ago!” You exlcaim quietly.
“Saved it… for Joel?” She is smirking and also wrinkling her nose in disgust.
“I didn’t fuckin’ save it. I just never found someone who was clean enough to fuckin’ do it with. ‘Till I found Joel. So shut up. You should be so thankful that I did or you might still be in that fuckin’ hospital.” You snap at her and now she laughs again.
“Dad was right. You are fuckin’ funny. Damn, I love you, Momma-B.” She teases and takes her place back in front of Nora who is no longer swinging, just sitting looking around. Waiting patiently for someone to come pay attention to her. The most perfect baby.
“Shut up. I love you too.” You snap at her.
“Mom told me about how you took her virginity today.” Ellie exclaims as they burst through the front door. You look like you want to die of embarrassment and Joel spits out the coffee he had in his mouth.
Joel cannot believe what he just heard… you did not tell your daughter about that?
“I didn’t tell her about it, like that, Joel!” You exclaim to him as he gives you a suspicious look.
“Yep. Just told me she was a thirty something year old virgin. Ha!” Ellie laughs at you.
“I hope you never lose it. I’m gonna pray all night long and every night from here on out that no one even looks at you again. Ha!” You snap back in the fifteen year olds face. Ellie is smiling at you like she is so satisfied.
“You’re both the worst.” Joel says with annoyance. Why were you two even talking about that? How does that get brought up? Joel didn’t like thinking about how he treated you that day!
So tried of people in that fucking colony. So tired of them. Tommy is… different. Hate his wife. Hate that bitch, Ava. Ugh. She’s annoying and just wants to talk about the kids at school like that’s supposed to do something for Joel’s cock. No. He just wants to make out and fuck- not talk or look at her. Fuck and then get her the fuck out of here. That’s it. Barely wants to make out with her but when he’s drunk… eh, can pretend it's someone else. He stomachs it and it gets him hard.
Woah. Who is that? Never seen you around the colony before. You’re.. hunting? Weird. Husband should be doin’ that for you. Cute. Wish I could see what your body looked like, all fuckin covered up. Should be naked… s’cold out here, fuck. You can’t be naked. You’re staring at him… why’re you starin’ at him?
“Hey.”
Oh my god. You’re talkin’ to him?! Do you see him? You blind? You’re not fuckin’ scared? Who is this bitch?
“Need somethin’?” What? Why did he say that? C’mon… Joel’s got somethin’ for you if you ask for it. Fuck. You have got great eyes. Fuck… Lips are real pretty. Damn.
“Maybe. Wanna help me out?”
Your voice might be the sweetest thing. Stop. Get this girl out— woah… this slut wants to fuck right now? Jesus Christ. Glad I went on a fuckin’ walk. Had to get away from Ava- following me around! Like it if this slutty broad followed me around everywhere. Put a fuckin’ leash on you so you don't stray too far either.
Your hand on his, leading him into this abandoned cabin is so warm and it feels so small in his hand. He is rock hard already. Joel puts his mouth on yours as he pushes the door open to the bedroom. “Oh, you’re ready for it? He hasn’t kissed someone like this in years. Your mouth is so fucking perfect. Fuck. His tongue has other places to be though. Joel pushes you against the bed so you sit down. “Slutty lil thing in the woods need a hard dick in her?” Joel rubs his cock through his jeans as your gawk at him when he speaks. It makes him smirk
“Yeah…” You sigh up to him and now he thinks he might be in love with you. That’s the cutest thing anyone's ever done . He just tapped your forehead with his one finger and you went back sighing like a fuckin’ peach. Fuck. Joel wants to see you.
“Lemme see what that filthy cunt looks like.” His cock is fucking throbbing. Watching your mouth drop open when he pulled his cock out made it fucking harder. Watching you watch him stroke himself while you nervously fumble with the buttons on your jeans. He can’t fucking wait for your stupid fingers. He’s on his knees between your legs, pulling your jeans down to your ankles. No need to take everything off. Too dangerous n’ cold. Too much time. He can do what he needs to.
You have the prettiest pussy he has ever seen in his whole life. He says nothing as he parts your lips with his thumbs so he can really fuckin’ see it before he’s pressing his tongue against your perfect clit. He almost fucking passes out when he tastes you. Sweet n’ musky. Lil sweaty. Joel is fucking dying. He could sit here all fucking night and do this.
You sound like you’re crying already and it just makes Joel’s cock throb as he looks up at you with your eyes clenched shut. He is smirking a chuckling at how fucking eager you are to be here with him. Prolly any guy walkin’ on the road that day honestly, but it was his lucky day. He was the guy on the road. So fuckin’ happy he went for that walk. Fuck..
“Fuckin’ slut. Shut th’fuck up, you fuckin’ stupid? Quiet down, you wanna get us killed?” Joel growls against your cunt before he goes back to lapping at the sweetest pussy he has ever fucking tasted. Fuckin’ fresh n’ clean. Fuck. He’s in love. “Love this slutty pussy already. Tastes so fuckin sweet– Jesus Christ. S’fuckin’ amazing.” Joel mutters against your slit. He is trying so hard to push his tongue into your hole but he loves the sounds you make when he circles your clit like that. Makin’ your hips buck and wriggle.
“Oh god. I’m gonna— I’m gonna.” Joel was about to tell you to fucking wait. Don’t come yet but then you fucking did something. Joel had never fucking experienced this before. You squirt all over his chin and his neck. He’s losing his god damned mind between your legs. Literally growling as he sucks all of that release off you. Fuckin’ amazing. He’s actually infatuated with you now. Might really be in love with a slut. Shit.
“Holy fuckin’ shit. That’s fuckin’ amazing. You do that every time?” He asks because if you do, he’s bringing you home with him.
“Never done that before.” You sigh and let your head fall back. You must have been watching him fucking eat it and that turns him on anymore. He’s gotta be inside you. Has to be. He’s not expecting anything special… you’re a slut but he’s thinkin’ it’s gonna be wet. Wet as fuck.
“Gonna make you do it again right now.” Joel growls softly. He gives you no warning, you don’t need it. You know what happens next. He places his hand over your mouth. Women always yelp or groan or moan when he enters them. He wants to hear you moan for him but he also doesn’t want to have to try and stay alive from the infected either. So he silences you.
You are… the tightest thing he has ever been inside. Holy fucking shit. You are whimpering underneath him and he loves that he makes you do that. Wonders if all the other guys you fuck make you whimper the way he does. Probably not, you have fuckin’ tears in your eyes from how fucking good it feels.
“You like this hard cock in you, slutty thing?” He coos into your eat and nibbles at your earlobe. You sigh heavily against his hand when he does this and he starts to give it to you. Why hold back? You must love getting fucked like this and spoken to this way. You are moaning and your hips are moving against his. “So fuckin’ tight. Jesus Christ. Never been in anything so fuckin’ tight before.” Joel pulls away and moves his hand. You have a tear in the corner of your eye and he wants to call you a fucking crybaby but he wants to see you again so badly. “Open your mouth.” He’s going to spit though. He’s going to make you like that with him. You obey and offer him your open mouth with a look of confusion. You sit there, with your mouth open and horror in your eyes. Joel smirks. “Swallow it, slutty girl.” You do not follow directions well so he grips your chin gently and leans in so he can look you right in the eye. “Fuckin’ swallow what I give you. Do you understand that or are you stupid?”
You swallow it but you look like your feelings are hurt. Joel must be talking to dirty but now it’s too late to stop, he’s already doing it and he can’t stop once he starts. Maybe next time if you still wanna see him again. You didn’t tell him to stop or that you didn’t like it though. Dunno, maybe you're one of those sluts who pretends she isn’t slutty. Fakes those big, innocent beautiful eyes, bats her lashes and just fuckin’ pulls any guy she wants. Fuck. You could.. You're fucking gorgeous. He moans softly, looking down at you getting fucked by him.
You squirt on him again!! He didn’t get any warning. Joel drops his head down just in time to watch you fucking gush on him. Oh my god.
“Jesus fuckin’ Christ.” He whispers because that was the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen? Like… the most beauti— fuck he’s going to come. Don’t wanna knock her up. No. Don’t wanna. Pull it out. “Fuck.” You are staring up at him now and he almost loses it right there but he wants to hear your voice when he comes. “Paint these pretty, puffy lips with my come. You want it?” Joel flicks his eyes between your swollen red labia and your eyes. You nod. He could fucking headbutt you because he want’s you to speak! “Fuckin’ say it then.” He growls.
“I want it. Please.” Your fuckin innocent eyes and the please at the end and he can barely contain it. He presses the head of his cock against your soft, hairy lips and coats you. Fuckin’ watches as his come mixes with your jucies and spill down between your lips. Joel could lick it off you and spit that into your mouth but he doesn’t want you to think he’s a freak… even though he is.
Joel stands you up, pulls your pants up and fastens your buttons for you. You’re looking up at him in awe the whole time. You are so fucking cute. Jesus. You accept his kiss and he sighs against you. You smell good and taste like… pine needles n ‘honey. Fuck. You’re incredible.
“You are pretty.” Joel murmurs against your lips before he pulls away to look down at you again. “Pretty n’ slutty n’ tight.” Joel teases you and kisses you again. When he pulls away you look heartbroken,
“Do you wanna do this again? I dunno… we could meet after dark or something.” You sound like you wanna see him again and he wonders how your husband is going to feel about you sneaking off tonight to come get fucked again.
“Tonight?” Joel has to try and hide his shock and excitement.
“No. Of course not tonight. Like… I dunno… four days from now or something? When the sun goes down? Here? Do it every four days?” You sound like your husband doesn’t know what the fuck he is doing in the bedroom. He should start spittin’ on you. Callin’ you naughty things. He’s also upset you don’t wanna see him before that? Can’t sneak away for an hour of fun tomorrow night? He doesn’t push it.
“Sounds good. See you then.”
Joel walks you out and see’s you walk the other way. You gotta got hunt n’ kill somethin’ or your husband is goin’ to be real fuckin’ suspicious. Pissed you don’t wanna see him again… he has to come every day or close to it! He didn’t wanna jerk off in his hand… ughhhhhh. Ava. Never kissin’ that hag ever again. At least Joel's got someone to picture now when Ava climbs on him. If he lets her. Eh. He'll get drunk enough. No kissin' though. Nope. Tastes like fuckin’ yeast like all she eats is fuckin’ bread. Disgusting. Not when he’s tasted your sweet fuckin' lips. Both sets! Perfect! Jesus Christ. Really didn't wanna see him sooner? Shit. Fine. He will not kiss Ava though. No. His lips will touch only yours until he leaves for Salt Lake then you can figure it out from there. Husband will have to figure out how to make you come
“Bird.” Joel’s voice jolts you from your sleep.. “I’m so sorry, baby. I thought you were still awake.” Joel is looking at you from the side of the bed, he’s kneeling and his hair is dripping wet. He had been in the shower. You must have fallen asleep before he got out. “I’m sorry. Go back to bed.” He kisses your forehead gently but cold water drips on your chin and cheeks and in your sleepy eyes.
“I’m awake now. What’s up?” You rub the water off your face and roll over to watch him dry off and get dressed. You can’t tear your eyes away. Joel smirks at you and drops his towel. “C’mere.”
He’s not waiting for you to tell him again. Joel crawls to you, still dripping from his shower. You’re giggling as he crawls between your legs and rests his hips against yours. You can feel him getting harder and harder. You have on just a thin pair of shorts that you wear to bed. He is fucking scalding hot even though he just got out of the cold shower. He trails kisses up the middle of your chest over your t-shirt, his one hand pushes it up in the wake of his kisses.
Joel rolls his hips into yours gently and kisses up your neck, his tongue is warm n’ wet when he drags it along your now goosebumped flesh. You sigh loudly and this is when he bites down. He gives you pain and pleasure as his fingertips twist and tug at your sensitive nipple gently; the sharp points of his canines dig into your skin and he holds himself there, biting and sucking at your neck just below your ear. He sighs against you like he’s been needing to bite you right there for fifty-something years.
And he just got to after waiting all that time.
Joel’s fingers pull at the peak of your breast eagerly, loving the way it’s making you squirm and whimper underneath him. He’s loved doing that to you from the first day. Joel licks at the deep teeth marks on your neck and the small hickey he just left on accident, he didn’t really mean to. He got carried away.
“I was thinkin’ ‘bout our first time today.” Joel whispers in your ear. The breath in your lungs is coming out in short, shallow bursts. You can feel him rock hard between your legs. The fabric of your shorts is trapped between your folds and his fucking iron hard cock— feels like he just pulled it out of the fucking fire. Trying to brand your pussy or somethin’.
“I was thinkin’ ‘bout it recently, too.” You pant up to him as he teases you with gentle and quick kisses on your lips as you speak. He bites gently at your bottom lip and flicks his tongue against it as he holds it between his teeth. Joel kisses you when he lets you go.
“How scary it was?” Whispers and stops rocking his hips and stares down at you with the most gentle eyes you’ve ever seen him have. You shake your head no at him.
“I think about it fondly. It was only scary ‘cause it was my first time. Not ‘cause you made it scary. You made me feel things… I didn’t know were possible.” You whisper up to him. His hips start to rock gently as you comfort him with your words. “Felt s-so good,” You murmur as he grinds down into you through your shorts. He smirks at you.
“Did it really? Didn’t hurt?” He’s so curious. You’ve never spoken about your first time together. Not ever. Not like this.
“It did. I think it would have, even if it wasn't my first time. You have a big dick.” You smirk at him, he chuckles down at you.
“Sorry it wasn’t special.” He whispers as the chuckles die in his throat. You frown.
“S’not what I expected my first time to be like… but it was special. You called me pretty.” You whisper to him.
“Called you a lot of other things, too.” He sounds like he feels terrible. You push the wet hair out of his face and smile up at him.
“I didn’t tell you to stop.” You’re chuckling now. “I was so fucking confused.” Chuckles grow into laughter. “Kept wonderin’ why you were callin’ me a slut… I wanted to be like… ‘sir, you’re the first man I’ve touched in twenty years… what do you mean?’ but I couldn’t talk. I was too turned on.” You’re laughing and he’s smiling down at you. “I walked home that night and said…I don’t think he really means any of that. I think it’s just sexy stuff you must say during sex.”
“I did think that ‘bout you the first time. Kept wonderin’ why you needed me so badly when your husband should be takin’ care of you. Didn’t understand how you could be single or available at all.” He leans down and kisses you gently. “If you had told me you hadn’t been with anyone else…” He presses his lips to yours and presses his hips gently into yours and drags the length of his cock back n’ forth. The bunched fabric of your shorts rubs your clit gently.. You’re already soaked— your clit is throbbing. It doesn’t take much to pull a small mewl from your throat.
Joel groans, closes his eyes and has to rest his forehead on your shoulder for a moment. He sighs and pulls his head away from your shoulder and continues with the slow teasing pace of his hips. He speaks softly and slowly… twangy and deep just the way you like.
“I’da been reeeal gentle with ya, Birdie-girl.” Joel’s eyes are locked on to yours. You bite your bottom lip gently and bat your eyelashes up at him in feign innocence. He sighs softly again and smirks down at you. “So fuckin’ beautiful n’ cute. Love givin’ you my hard cock. Love watchin’ yer’ cute lil mouth say terrible n’ naughty things.” He whispers before he kisses you. “The first time… when you said ‘i want it. Please’ I fuckin’ lost my mind. You begged for it n’ didn’t even need to tell you to do it.”
“I was already your good n’ naughty girl. Right then. I thought that. I’d do anything you fuckin’ asked me.” You whisper up to him and Joel groans again and closes his eyes.
“Stop talkin’! You trynna embarrass me? Make me come before I even put it inside you? Huh?” Joel growls at you and uses his beard to tickle your neck so he doesn’t have to take his hand off your breast. He’s groping it, feeling how soft n’ warm it is under his hand. “ So fuckin’ sexy, Birdie! Jesus. Stop talkin’. I’m trynna have a moment with you— yer’ruinin’ it , with your sweet voice n’ sexy words.”
You laugh up at him and your hands keep his shaggy, wet hair out of his face.
“I thought I was in love with you that day. Didn’t think I meant it then. Just was so enamored n’ obsessed with how cute you looked n’ how you fuckin’ gushed on me.” His whispers are lost in your partially hanging open mouth.
“I thought the same thing. Wanted to ask you to come live with me.” You smirk and then bite your lips between your teeth and apologize with your eyes for talking. Ruining the moment. You chuckle in your throat. He smirks and shakes his head from side to side.
“Should’a at least told me you were out there all alone. I’da been out there every fuckin’ day, Birdie. Not lyin’. Every…” He looks down at you and raises his eyebrows at you. You open your mouth wider for him, not needing any words. You love when he does it, love when he splits onto your tongue. You swallow what he gives you, because you are not stupid. You are his smart lil Bird. “...Day.” He licks the drivel of saliva off your lip with his tongue and grins at you. “Fuckin’ love you, B. I respect the shit out of you. Glad to call you the mother of my children.”
“I love you, Joel. So much.” You kiss him gently and he lingers, holding your chin so you linger. He clears his throat when he pulls away.
“Doctors say it would be dangerous for you to try n’ get pregnant?” He whispers again. You shrug.
“Just said it’s probably not going to happen. Lotta scar tissue. Didn’t say anything about it being dangerous or for us to wear protection…. Why?” You wrinkle your eyebrows at him.
“You care if I try? We don’t need another… but I’d like to do it with the intentions of tryin’... if you’re okay with it.” He tilts his head to the side gently for a moment. “Take real good care of you after… keep an eye on you… things would be different if we had another— if it could happen. It would be different than when Nora was born,” Joel whispers against your lip.
“Don’t stop tryin.”
Notes:
^ would you let him spit in your mouth? 'Cause I sure fuckin' would. I have no shame. I know who I am. Why do you think I wrote Crybaby? :]
Real question because... I'd like to know: I read on Reddit all the time that people don't always care for smut... but that's literally the only thing I read on here... so.... do you guys read the smut? Do you guys just want me to fade to black? I like writing them... but I see some people on Reddit say they SKIP over the smut. I literally skip over the plot to get to the smut. So... I don't need to focus on that if no ones spinnin' any disks to it! I can focus on just plot. Fade to blacks. Just focus on flashback sexiness? I don't know. I am now writing this story for all of you. So, i'd like to make you all happy as well as sticking to my pain plot and ideas. Help me help you and also help me stop overthinking ever single thing I do
birthdays:
Joel- Sept. 26th
Birdie- June 27th
Ellie- July 21st
Nora- Sept 4th
I dunno why that's important. but you should know. I dunno why. I really don't. I was writing this and thinking in my head about the seasons after I had wrote about winter for so long. birdie would not have been almost 9 months pregnant when she had the baby. so, I lie to you all the time. she was though. My thought process on the baby and the pregnancy and her coma and coming back from salt lake. I'm OVERTHINKING AGAIN
Chapter 29: Amazed
Summary:
You fall in love just a little more.
Then so much fucking pain. So much
Notes:
okay....... so the first, like, three minutes of this is kind of corny........ but just PICTURE IT!? !? I was swooning over this made up man!?
TW for therapy talk all the way down at the bottom
amazed- lonestar
disclaimer: the therapy talk is shit with a bow on it...so proceed with caution
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Joel walks you home from the bar with his hand in yours. His fingers are laced with yours and he's softly humming a song you don't think you know. You're smirking because you've never heard him hum a song. Never. Just throaty sounds of pleasure. He squeezes your hand in beat to whatever song he's got stuck in his head.
"What song is that? I don't think I heard it on the jukebox before." You tilt your head up to his, still smirking. Joel is smiling at your question, but avoiding your eyes. "What?" You're giddy in your stomach for some reason. You dunno why.
"It's not on the jukebox. Just a song I know from before the outbreak." Joel keeps the smirk on his face.
"Why do you look like that!?" You exclaim. He looks so... happy! It's so cute and you're wondering why this is making him happy.
"You're gonna think m'soft." Joel looks down at you with his big brown eyes and you have to really try not to let this smirk grow into a smile. You try so hard.
"I already think that.. so." You tease him as he squeezes your hand again. Joel stops you and places his hands on your waist. You wrap your hands around the back of his neck. Joel sways you back and forth very slowly and hums the song again. "Did you like that song before the outbreak?" You whisper up to him as he tilts his head to touch foreheads gently. He shakes his head no. "So why are you humming it?" You peck at his lips gently as he dances you slowly under the stars in the park outside the medical center.
"I used t'think this song was stupid." Joel speaks it out airily. "Ever since we got married- honestly, since I got you that ring on your finger... It's stuck in m'head almost all th'time." He speaks slowly, his country twang is thick tonight in the moonlight. He hums the melody again. "If we had a big ceremony- before the outbreak, if you knew me... n' loved me... I'd have picked this song as our first dance." Joel kisses you gently and hums quietly again. You are floating. What?! He's so perfect and romantic. You need to know this song. Every word of it.
"Do you know any words?" You murmur against the kiss with your eyes closed. Joel pulls away only centimeters.
"Just th'chorus I think." He chuckles and kisses you again. "He says-- I dunno how y'do what y'do. I'm so in love with you. It just keeps getting better." Joel doesn't sing, instead just speaks the words slowly. "I could try and learn it on the guitar for you. Sing you the rest of what I know with some music." He kisses you one more time.
"Tell me the rest." You sigh softly. Joel smirks and rests his forehead against yours.
"I wanna spend th'rest of my life, with you by my side. Forever n' ever." He's still moving you from side to side gently. Now he whispers and grips your hips gently. "Every lil thing that you do... Baby, I'm amazed by you." He smirks and pulls away. "I'm only good at singin' when I got th'guitar in my hand, Birdie!" He pulls away from you and grabs your hand. You almost fall over. What!? "I'da also changed it to Birdie-girl, I'm amazed by you." He sings it to you playfully and then smacks your ass with a throaty chuckle. "Told'ya. Y'think m'soft now." He glares at you and then winks. You are blinking at him.
"Are you serious!? That was the nicest most romantic thing ever!" You're almost drooling and now your fuckin' panties are soaked!
"Listenin' to your big n' soft n' dumb husband try n' serenade you?" Joel waves his hand dismissively. "You're too easy to impress." Joel smirks.
"You really don't know anymore of that song?" You plead with him with your face and eyes to try an remember. He shakes his head sadly.
"I really didn't like that song before th'outbreak. Been stuck in my head the day I found your wedding ring." Joel pulls you close to him and kisses the top of your head. "Love you, Birdie-Girl."
Two days later you are not as happy with your fifteen year old daughter.
“Where and when the fuck did you get that?” You are holding on to Ellie’s wrist. She has a fucking tattoo on her forearm!! What!?
“One of my friends' dads has an old tattoo machine and a bunch of supplies from a scouting mission a while ago. Got it two days ago.” She is smiling like she is so fucking cool. “Clean needles n’ everything.” She’s beaming.
“Do you know what Joel is going to do to you? He’s going to be so mad.” You are in shock at this! Why would your almost sixteen year old daughter do this!?
“What? And why is he gonna be mad?” She blinks at you with fear in her eyes. You blink back at her.
“I…don’t know.” You growl. “Fuck Joel! I’m pissed! Why did you do this!?” You exclaim. You touch it and she sucks air through clenched teeth.
“Stop that! It’s sore. Hurts.” She grumbles.
“Good! I’m glad it hurt! I hope it hurts so bad.” You touch it again. She grimaces and pulls her wrist out of your grasp and glares at you. “Get that stupid ass look off your face and answer my question. Why did you do that? Cover up your scar?” You follow her upstairs with Nora in your arms. “Do not shut that door in my fa–”
Ellie does it. She shuts the door right in your face. You flick her off from behind the door for so long. You just flip her the bird and do it with the hand around Nora’s waist somehow, too. Ellie flings the door open and catches you.
“Nice. Real nice. Yeah. I did it to cover up my scar. Problem?” She flicks her eyebrows up at you once and you gasp.
“I will throw this fat baby at you and I will beat your ass, Ellie Miller. Lose the fuckin’ ‘tude. I mean it. I just wanna know why!? I just wanna know who did it and how badly did it hurt? And maybe I wanna know how long it took to get done,” You glare at her as Nora paws at a freckle on your neck. She does it every day. Freckle never goes anywhere.
“Why? Why do you wanna know all that? Why wou–” She pauses and looks you up and down with suspicious eyes. “You want one? He’ll give you one.”
“Yeah… I do want one.” You say still glaring at her. “Take me there right now. I got a couple scars I wouldn’t mind covering up. Actually.”
You do not make the seventeen year old boy cover the hack job cesarean scar you have right above your mound… that feels wrong. So you leave that for when he turns eighteen or twenty-one. You dunno. You think Joel might get mad for just letting someone else look at it so. You say never mind.
You do get your thigh scar covered with a sun and moon and star. You don’t know what else to get! You never wanted a tattoo until you saw how cool Ellie looked with one! Shit! You're thankful for this young man and his art skills until he sticks you with that forsaken needle gun. What the actual fuck?! You remember seeing people covered in tattoos before the outbreak and this is what that felt like!? All over their whole body!? You pushed a child out of your vagina, took a knife to two different parts of your belly and calf and also was shot in the thigh. This is the worst. It's dull, stabbing, grinding– shoving the needles in and moving them all around like there were no needles inside of your skin. Cuttin’ you all up. What the fuck? You had planned on getting more but you are done after this one tattoo. How is this something people sit though.
"How did you do this?" You look at Ellie with tears in your eyes.
"Not crying. Fuckin' A, Mom. You're being so embarrassing." She rolls her eyes at you like you are not trying to climb over this seventeen year old boy named James. Jimmy. He's got your thigh meat in his hand and the fuckin' devil's ink dispenser in the other. You have his black band tee gripped in your fist because first, this is the only other man to have ever touched you there who was still breathing...he's seventeen... and second, this is absolutely the most cruel joke that's ever been played on you.
You would have another baby. You would. Who fucking get's more than one tattoo??
"It hurts worse on fresh scar tissue. Sorry Mrs. M." Jimmy looks up at you with sympathetic eyes. You respond though clenched teeth.
"You didn't want to tell me that when you put that forsaken stencil on, James?" You try to breathe like he told you to do seven times but how? How can you breathe when you're getting what feels like four million needles stabbed into your leg all at the same time.
You almost ask him to stop. You have to take several breaks and at one point Ellie, who is holding your other daughter in her arms is having to talk you into sitting down in the chair. She looks so disappointed in you.
“You’re gonna look dumb with half a tattoo, M-B. You gotta get it finished.” She looks at you with serious eyes that you try to avoid.
“I’m gonna throw up. It hurts so bad.” You try to climb the stairs of the basement but she stands in front of them. "Ellie, I'm your Mom. Let me go home. I can't do this."
“Dad is gonna make fun of you for the rest of your lives. Every day.” She is as serious as the half finished tattoo on your thigh. “Say you're soft like he does. You hate it.” Ellie sneers. You know she is right. He'll call you soft n' dumb for the rest of his breathing life. You say that because you think he would come visit you at the grave and make fun of you for it. Then he might even make fun of you in the afterlife if he can find you hiding from him in the dry tub of hell.
“Fuck!” You exclaim and head back to the chair and sit down. Jimmy gives you sad, sorry eyes. The sudden buzzing of the machine makes you jump and you go stiff as soon as the needle gun does what it does best. Stabs you. Jimmy keeps saying relax but you're going to shove your thumb into his Adams-apple if he says that to you again. Thirty-something year old woman...being told relax by Jimmy the seventeen year old tattoo artist.
Great.
“Hell yeah, Momma-Bird. Not soft, you're tough!” She holds Nora out in front of her so the almost one year old can watch her mom cry while she gets her first tattoo.
One that’s done and over with- what the actual fuck- you head home to show your husband your new tattoo and the one your fifteen year old daughter got with no ones permission.
Joel stares at the both of you with the most unimpressed eyes as you smile at him stupidly. You hold you hand out to your exposed thigh but he bypasses you and goes right for Ellie’s arm. He grabs her wrist and inspects the floral and fern tattoo carefully. He snaps his eyes between the tattoo and her eyes… expressionless. Now you and Ellie are both scared.
The fucking man stays silent for so long. Now you’re worried he’s going to divorce you. Which would be so easy! He could just leave. Just go and that’s it. Divorced. Shit. Fuck. That's divorce now. No lawyer.
“S’cool. I guess. Don’t get another until you’re at least seventeen.” Joel drops her wrist and turns to you. “The moon, sun and stars?” Joel looks up at you with squinted eyes. He looks like he might be...judging you? Like, he thinks that's a dumb tattoo? What else were you supposed to get!? Jam!? Jam jars to look at and be reminded of Ava the jam-whore!? No. Not jam-jars and no flowers and ferns. You were panicking and picked the first three things you thought of!
“You three!? My sun–” You smack Joel’s forehead with your palm with a thwump and then point to Ellie. “My moon.” And then you look at that chunky baby sitting on the floor trying to put her own foot in her mouth. “My stinky stars.” You point to her now. Joel is glaring up at you rubbing his forehead angrily. “I didn’t hit you that hard. I thwumped you.” You roll your eyes at him and do it again and Nora laughs. You smirk and do it one more time to your unsuspecting husband. Nora giggles so hard she falls over onto the carpet and doesn’t stop as Joel pretends to fall over next to her.
“Yer’mom thwumped me.” He hoots at her. She laugh so hard. So hard, you’ve never heard her belly laugh like that. Ellie is giggling now too. Joel blows a raspberry at Nora and she laughs silently. No sound comes out of her. Her face is so red. She finally takes a breath of air in and then squeals as loud as she can.
“Thwump him again, M-B.” Ellie teases. Joel shoots her a look and stands. He scoops Nora up and hands her to Ellie.
“Shitty diaper. Your turn.” Joel smirks at her. Ellie has wide eyes and is shaking her head no.
“S’not. Your turn. I just changed the last one.” She snarks at him.
“That tattoo on your arm says it’s your turn for the next two weeks.” Joel raises his eyebrow. “Hop to it ‘fore she get’s a rash, Smellie.” He grins at her. Ellie’s jaw drops open and grabs the baby from him. “Could be a lot worse punishment, so, be grateful you still get to go see Dina.” He flicks his eyebrows up at her.
“Whatever.” She rolls her eyes and takes the baby into Nora’s room.
You two look at each other and silently high-five in the living room. You two just parented the shit out of her! You think. She did get a tattoo but honestly.. Now the girl can breathe. Doesn’t always have to hide her scar. Can wear a cute tank-top this summer and not sweat her ass off.
And you’ll wear some cute shorts and show off your new tattoo.
Joel is following right behind you into the bedroom. You shut the door behind you and pull your shirt off over your head.
“I think it’s sexy as fuck but I couldn’t say that in front of Ellie.” Joel has his arms around your waist grinding into you from behind. “It’s so fucking hot. Holy shit.” He’s nibbling at your shoulder as you get ready to go see Connie for a little bit. “Don’t go. Please stay.” Joel sounds desperate. You can feel his desperation pressed against your ass.
“We did it this morning!” You snap at him. He smirks at you through the mirror in your bedroom.
“So? S’never stopped us before.” Joel is grinning like he’s dumb. Big n’ dumb and grinning.
“No. Learn some self control.” You tease him. He scoffs.
“How? With you as my wife? Are you kidding me? How?” Joel kisses your bare shoulder and pushes his groin against your ass and makes a loud sound of frustration. “You’re too hot. Stop it. Get out of here if you aren’t gonna let me touch you. Git. Go.” He pushes you towards the bedroom door as you pull your shirt on. “Torturin’ me. Come home n’ show me that sexy fuckin’ tattoo and you’re just gonna leave!? Not fair. I’m gonna go get a tattoo n’ then come home—”
“Joel…” You stop in the doorway. “Please don’t ruin your perfect, beautiful skin. Please. I love it so much. It’s perfect, please.” You beg. “So perfect.”
“Ruin!? You done went n’ got one! Are you ruined?” Joel scoffs at you again. “Not ruined. Fuckin’ sexy as hell.” He’s looking you up n’ down. “C’mere…lemme come in your panties before you go. Wear me ‘round all night.” You smirk at his attempts to be close to you.
“Can you come in two minutes?” You tease. He nods frantically.
“Don’t even really need that long. I jus’ put on a big show for ya.” Joel grins and is already unzipping his jeans as you shut the door.
“Oh do you want me to time you? See if you can get a record goin’ between you and the other patrol guys on who can disappoint their woman the fastest?” You tease up at him as you drop your jeans to your ankles and pull your the front of your panties down. Joel and you look down in unison and he sighs.
“Best fuckin’ puss–” He snaps his head up to you. “I never fuckin’ disappoint you. I make sure I don’t. Every time. I know I do. I get evidence of it every time. Gotta sleep in it, usually.” Joel snarks at you. You’re giggling up at him as he strokes his cock. “Don’t fuckin’ laugh. Call it big or somethin’.” Joel sighs softly.
“It is so big. Big n’ thick.” You purr up to him. “Love feelin’ it in my tight lil pussy.” You run one hand along his broad chest and sigh softly as you watch him thrust his fist on his cock faster. Joel is stroking and squeezing himself. You're enamored by it. How fucking soft n' hard he looks all at the same time. You have to bite your bottom lip at the sight.
“Don’t stop.” He pants softly. His hips are rocking forward to meet his hand. The head of him is an angry red and drooling in precome already. He is staring down at your face. “B-Birdie. Look’it me n’ keep talkin’.” He whispers. You look up at him and bat your eyelashes slowly.
“You love hearin’ ‘bout how much I love takin’ it? How good it stretches me out.” You coo up to him. Joel’s breath staggers and he leans forward and presses his forehead against yours. “Love when you fill me up with your come, love feelin’ it drip out of–”
“Fuuuck, Biirdie-girl.” Joel pushes his hips forward gently and presses the tip if his cock into the inside of your panties and fills them. He’s quiet after he moans your name. Kissing you gently as he pants.
As fast as it started, it’s over. He’s pulling your panties up for you and mushing your fucking panties against your lips. Then he pulls your jeans up and smiles at you.
“Now you can go. I love you. Have fun with Connie.” Joel kisses you once again as he tucks himself back inside his own jeans.
“Oh, thanks. I’ll have a great comfortable time with this in my undies.” You tease. “I love you, too. I’ll be back later.
Connie was glowing. She had just started to show and looked so cute.
“How is Dina doing?” You’re curious because now…Connie and you have so much more in common. She's married, is going to have a baby and also has a found daughter. You found her, saved her-- but you gave her to Connie.
“She’s good. Think’s she misses goin’ to school. No teachers left though. Sucks.” She grumbles. “Glad her and Ellie made up. I was tired of listening to her fuckin’ cryin’ about her.” Connie smirks.
“I know. Ellie was real sad. Glad she has her friend back.” You sigh. “I dunno how healthy it is though…I’m just a dumb mom but I feel bad that Ellie only has the person who she wants to be with to hang out with. That or dumb boys she doesn’t really like. Just feel bad. That’s gotta be hard for Ellie.” You grumble and when you look up at Connie she is blinking at you.
“Dina loves Ellie, what are you talking about?” She pinches her brows together. You pinch yours right back at Connie.
“What are you talking about? Dina fucked that kid Boot-cut or whatever that fucking kids name is!” You snap.
“Levi.” Connie nods. How the fuck does Connie know about all this!? You're the cool mom. Ellie talks to you because you are cool and she loves you. Dina thinks Connie is cool? Hm... Interesting. You don't know if Ellie still thinks you're cool anymore. She didn't tell you about Dina fuckin' that dumb boy because she thought you were cool. No. She...was going to run away because of how uncool you had become.
“You know? And you’re not mad?” You’re shocked. Connie shakes her head.
“Sex is sex. She’s just gotta be smart ‘bout it. My mom made me think bein’ a virgin was so special… nothin fuckin’ special about it. Hurt. Embarrassed to tell people about it. Felt inexperienced in as an adult. Stupid! Didn’t like it. I talked to Dina and we just want her to be safe. Gave her a couple condoms and said don’t get fuckin’ pregnant.” Connie snorts as she rubs her belly.
“Jesus Christ.” You’re in awe. Connie chuckles.
“Lucas said if she’s gonna do it… she’s gonna do it regardless of if we tell her she can or can’t. Might as well set her up for success rather than try and fuckin’ keep her in the dark ‘bout it so we don’t end up raisin’ her kid too!” Connie sounds exhausted with this.
“Y’all talk about it a lot? You n’ Luke?” You’re curious. She nods.
“Dina’s been strugglin’ a lil bit. We caught her with some weed a couple days ago. She was high as hell. Giggling while Luke was yellin’ at her.” She smirks. “Was pissin’ him off somethin’ terrible but he was tryin’ not to laugh at her dumbass stoned face.” Connie is laughing now too. You smirk and then frown.
“Where was Ellie?” You ask quickly. Connie’s eyes avoid yours and she rings her hands together. “Connie! My daughter got high here and you didn’t tell me!?” You are shocked an appalled. “You know she got a tattoo the other day!? Didn’t even ask Joel or I.” You rub your temples gently.
“I’m sorry, Birdie. She begged me not to tell you n’ you know how much I love–”
“I’ll be honest… I’m glad she did it somewhere safe. She was here in your house and if anything bad happened… you guys would have taken care of it.” You nod and try to tell yourself that teenagers do these things. It’s fine.
Good choices, Ellie.
She is not making good choices! She is making the opposite! Fuck! You knew this was going to happen! You and Joel do it! Not around her, but she fuckin' knows. She's seen you two in the kitchen after a visit to the front porch. Giggling and eating jam and cheese and fucking ham like you guys aren't living in the apocalypse and would maybe have to ration your food. It's fine. She knows. Shit. How did Ellie even-- Sonofabitch!
“Where did they get the weed from!?” You are now explicitly mad without even knowing the facts. Connie shrugs.
“It was just a joint that they had. Dunno where it came from.” Connie looks innocent. She does not know.
“Oh that sneaky lil brat. We’re fighting tomorrow. The CPS can’t take her away from me. Nope. Cops can’t come. I’m gonna fight her ass.” You are livid. “Round up everyone in town. I want them all to see me beat up my kid.” You run your hands down your cheeks. “Connie…what are we going to do with these girls?”
“I dunno. I hope they end up together so neither one of them get pregnant.” Connie chuckles again. You grimace.
“I don’t think Ellie lets boys look at her. I think she rips their eyes out and tosses them into the fucking woods somewhere. She is terrifying. I would hate to be the boy who gets a crush on her. Barkin’ up the wrong, scary tree, Bud.” You sigh and close your eyes. “She is just a normal teenage girl. She’s not scary. She is almost smaller than me. She might be as strong as me... Faster than me… maybe even smarter than me, too.” You snap your eyes open in horror and look at Connie. “I’m fucked. So fucked. She’s gonna outsmart me, outrun me, probably beat me up. Fuck. Okay. Cancel the public boxing match. I don’t wanna get beat up in front of the whole town. Shit.”
“She would beat the shit out of you, Bird. No offense. You’re a badass but Ellie is tough as nails.” Connie smirks at you.
“I fucking know, Connie. That’s why I am scared. I probably have six months left before she’s bigger than me! What the fuck!? It’s going to be like having two Joel’s in the house… always scowling and being grumpy! One of them get’s their period! The more scary one menstruates!!" You look at Connie and smile at her sweetly. "Can I come stay here? She’s Joel’s originally… I’ll come back when she’s like twenty-one and then her and I can drink and get a lil high together n’ I won’t be mad about.” You could fucking cry. Connie chuckling. “Oh you just wait. Dina will be scary to you, too.”
“Dina is a sweet baby. She is just a nice girl who likes to cook with me. Not scary.” She sticks her tongue out at you.
“Do you wanna switch!?”
It is the next day and you have stewed. You thought about what to do angrily. Maybe not as clearly as you should have. Stayed awake all night. Pissed. Joel didn't even try to talk to you this morning. He rolled over with a smile on his face, ready to start his day with his beautiful loving wife and saw you sitting upright in the bed, with your arms crossed over your chest staring at the bedroom door. Which is how he left you last night after you had to vehemently deny that he did anything to bother you. No. You just did not know how to tell him about this. But now you have to talk to that stoner, inked up Brat.
Your daughter.
“Sit.” You point to the couch and Ellie sits down with an eye roll. “Cut the shit.” You snap at her. She crosses her arms over her chest.
“What, Mom?” She says it sweetly but you know she doesn’t fuckin’ mean it! She’s being a brat. Fuckin’ Ellie.
“Gonna give you one opportunity to tell me the truth. Otherwise I’ll go lookin’ for it myself.. Or worse… bring Joel into it. Got it?” You give her the most serious eyes you got in the catolouge and point your finger at her.
“What?” She sounds annoyed.
“Where did you and Dina get the weed from?” You ask calmly. Nicely. You breathe like Patti taught you.
“What weed?” She is expressionless. Oh-fucking-boy.
“So Connie lied to me?” You raise one eyebrow and cross your arms over your chest now. She sighs.
“Dina got it.” She avoids your eyes now.
“Liar.” You hiss at her. She doesn’t say anything and she doesn’t look at you. “You know…for someone who claims she wants us to be real with her from now on…sure aren’t bein’ real with me. Did you get that joint from Joel? You take it from him? He was lookin’ for one he said he rolled the other day and it disappeared. Just poof…gone!” You snap at her.
“Joel ate all your weed brownies once.” She throws her fucking dad right under the bus. You smirk at her. Oh he's going to loooove this. Love it! Tattlin' on him. No revolver for her! You got yours back and now she's gun-less...you hope. You should go check her room anyway!
“He already told me. But now I’m telling him you told me. And I’m tellin’ him you stole from him. Tellin’ him to lock his shit up better. Need a gun safe or something. Stealin’ our guns and our weed. What else did you take!? Huh? Lil Miss Sticky Fingers. Smellie Ellie.” You sneer at her.
Not your proudest moment but you are upset!
“Mom, please don’t tell Joel. Please. He’s gonna fuckin’ kill me.” Ellie is on her knees pleading with you. You hold fast.
“No. Your dad and I are a united front. We talk about stuff. You’re gonna face some consequences this time, LadyBug. I fuckin’ mean it. Go to your room.” You point up the stairs. She says nothing. Just stomps up the stairs loudly. “I love you so much and am so glad you’re my daughter and I think you’re perfect! Just doin’ stupid shit lately!” You call to her as she stomps and eventually shuts the door through your speech.
Fuck! You don’t wanna tell Joel about this! He’s gonna be pissed!
OH!! You know what you’re gonna do. Ooooo. It’s gonna hurt and be so good. Yes! You can’t wait for him to come home now. You wait for him, looking out the window. Nora pulls herself up on your pant legs and holds her arms up to you. You scoop her up.
“Do not get bigger than me. Don’t do it.” You tickle her sides. “I’ll disown you. I will. I’ll give you to Connie if you get bigger than me. I will.” You tease and chomp at her belly loudly. She squeals and pulls at your hair. Doesn’t even bother you anymore, honestly.
Joel comes home two hours later and you are still waiting.
“What did she do? You’re waitin’ for me in the window. Must’a been bad.” Joel sighs and sets his jacket down on the back of the chair in the kitchen.
“Oh no. I’m not telling you. Why don’t we go upstairs and she can tell you herself.” You have always wanted to fucking say that and now you get the chance!! It was the best day of your life. Normally, mothers would say the day their child was born… but… you won’t say that. Not ever… because it was actually the worst day of your whole life minus the beautiful baby that tore you from V to A and almost got sliced outta you.
“She ratted you out about the brownies, but that’s just something you should know going into this. Go on.” You point up the stairs and Joel rolls his eyes at you.
You’re gonna fucking push your fingers into the next set of eyes that roll at you. Doesn’t matters who they are!
“What’d you do?” Joel doesn’t even have the door fully open before he is speaking. Ellie is sitting in her chair practicing guitar. “Oh nice, you been doing the chords I showed you?” Joel gets distracted and you see Ellie smirk softly.
“Nope. Tell him.” You snap your fingers at her. She frowns at you. “Told you I was going to Mom the fucking shit out of you, LadyBug!” You hiss at her. She doesn’t roll her eyes, thankfully because you were ready. Gonna just poke her right in the brown eyeball. Try rollin’ that!
“Spit it out, El. C’mon.” Joel sighs. Now you feel bad. He has been working hard all day and you’ve been scared of the teenager in your house.
“I smoked some weed with Dina.” She grumbles. Joel looks back at you with a look thats asking why he should care.
“Ask her where she got it from?” You nod to the girl that lies to you now. Joel smirks and that scares you. More than Ellie and now you’re nervous for her. He leans in and puts one hand on the arm of her chair and removes the guitar slowly from her grasp. He holds it out to you behind his back.
You take it and hold it in your free hand that isn’t holding Nora.
“You stole from me?” Joel is still smirking like this is funny and he can't believe it. Now Ellie looks nervous. Good! She should be. “I asked you somethin’. Did you steal from me?” He is so serious and you want to go back downstairs but you are glued to this floor.
“Yes.” She says in barely a whisper. Joel scoffs softly.
“Could’a just asked me. Yer’at that age where you’re gonna wanna try shit. I get it. I was smokin’ weed when I was thirteen years old, Ellie.” He does not sound relatable. Sounds pissed.
“Sor–”
“Not done.” Joel barks. She jumps slightly and presses her lips together. “I never said a word ‘bout you taking my hunting rifle or yer’moms revolver. You would’a needed those. You didn’t fuckin’ need a joint. Didn’t need to steal.” Joel is speaking slowly and clearly and the anticipation of the end of his sentences is making you tremble. “You’re cleanin’ this whole fuckin’ house. Top to bottom. Moms not cookin’ dinner fer’ two weeks. N’ you’re not seein’ Dina for a month. No friends. Nothin’. You don’t fuckin’ steal. Not from me n’ your mom especially. Outside theses walls? Different fuckin’ story. This is home. We don’t do that shit here!” He doesn’t shout but he’s not talking. He’s speaking loudly. Probably sounds like shouting from where Ellie is sitting.
He does not wait for her to respond. He grabs the guitar from you and the strings hum as he does it. Then he takes Nora and leaves the two of you standing there…staring at each other. The door slams behind you and you turn around and run right into it out of fear of being locked in here with her but she speaks and you freeze.
“You think he hates me?” She whispers. You cock your head to the side softly and wonder if this is a trap. Shit. Gotta Mom her even though you are scared.
“No.” You say firmly from your place pressed against the door of her room. You cannot turn around. You are too scared she is going to be right behind you. “I just think that he is disappointed. We both are.” You sigh and rest your forehead on the door in front of you. “Sucks. For everyone. You included.”
“Yeah. That felt like shit.” She grumbles. You jump at the sound of her voice but she’s nowhere near you so you can finally breathe again and turn around. She is still in the chair and looking at the floor.
“Lost our trust, too.” You sigh sadly. “Shitty feeling. Knowin’ we don’t trust you as much as we did before, isn’t it?” You sit down on the floor and really let your defense down giving her the high ground like this. “Doesn’t mean you can’t earn it back. S’what we’re tryin’ to do.”
“Yeah and then you go and tattle on me and get me yelled at. Good job.” Ellie sneers at you. You sigh and think for a minute.
“I’m gonna say something and I don’t know how you’re going to take it, but know this is shit with a bow on it. Okay?” You scooch closer to her and she nods softly. She doesn’t laugh. “You were a different kind of responsibility on the road– Joel and I didn’t have to worry about trying to parent you. You swore and stayed up late. You saw things kids shouldn’t see.” You tap her knee with your fist so she will look at you.
“What?” She juts her neck forward and raises her eyebrows. You wanna flick– you do it. You flick her right in the center of her forehead. Hard as fuck. She jumps and slaps her hand to her forehead.
“I got twelve more of those locked and loaded. Lose your fucking attitude with me, Ellie. I mean it.” You warn her, seriously. “Joel and I have to parent you because no one else did. Unfortunately. I am so sorry you went the first fourteen years of your life in a fucking FEDRA school or where ever you were. I’m sorry.” You try to keep your voice calm and level but it’s hard as shit. So hard. You’re just as emotional and sassy as she is!
“Gotta yell at me?” She mocks Joel’s deep voice quietly. You have to use every single muscle in your face and every groove in your brain to keep from smirking at her because she is looking at you. You will not give her the satisfaction of knowing that was really good.
“Sometimes. Yes. We do.” You sigh at her once the smirk is distant from your lips and won’t sneak out. “You fucked up. You did it. No one else. We gotta hold you accountable or you’re gonna think you can do that whenever you want. Now you know you can’t and you hopefully won’t do it again.” You grumble.
“I won’t.” She grumbles back at you.
“What is wrong? Why you got so much ‘tude lately? You alright? What’s wrong?” You’re tired of her shit.
“Nothing. Just.. nothing. I don’t know. I don’t know.” She sounds like she wants to cry but her face stays still.
“Squeaker… talk to me. What is going on? Is this something you’d rather talk to Don about?” You raise your eyebrows at her. She nods silently.
“Your dad said yesterday you wanted to come back and see me. Had something you wanted to talk about. Is everything okay?” Don adjusts his glasses as he looks at Ellie through them.
Ellie shrugs and sighs. Don mimics her. She flashes her eyes from the floor up to him.
“Can I give you the same advice I gave your father the first time he came to see me?” Don raises one eyebrow. Ellie nods. “You want to change— feel better?” This is a real question Ellie has to answer…she can sense this in the long pause.
“I guess.” She sighs softly.
“Then you have to talk.” Don smiles. “I know— easier said than done. I’m just the guy who tells you what to do.”
Ellie really likes Don.
“Do you think that people can really change? Like…be a different person?” She is curious to what he will say so she listens closely while he thinks about his answer.
“I do.” It’s definitive. No doubts. “I don’t think it easy. Nor do I think it happens often— but is possible.”
“How would you do that?” Ellie looks back down at the floor and picks at something she sees on her jeans.
“Hard work. Determination. Self-awareness.”
“What is that? I’m aware of myself but that’s not what that means, is it?” Ellie pinches her brow when Don laughs. She wasn’t trying to be funny.
“Well… the dictionary definition would be a conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motives and desires.” Don explains with a look of sorry… this doesn’t really help you or answer your question.
“Does not everyone have that?” Ellie is so confused.
“Not always. Some are more self-aware than others. Patti tells me your mom is very self-aware. Knows things inside of her…and already knows why she is like that. Without having to dig or search for why… she just knows.” Don explains.
“You said my mom didn’t know what the hell she was talkin’ about. Make up your mind.” Ellie rolls her eyes and Don laughs again.
“Ellie again, respectfully… Your mom is a very good, capable woman. She might not have finished school or gotten her degree but that doesn’t make her stupid.” Don is laughing again. “Just because she didn’t know what PPD was…or how to fix it on her own— or talk to you about it doesn’t mean everything she says isn’t true or real. Cut her some slack in that sense or you’ll drive your poor mom crazy.” Don is still chuckling.
“So she is self-aware but just fuckin’ pulls shit out of her ass, puts a bow on it and hopes that helps. Great.” Elle rolls her eyes again. Don laughs harder than Ellie has ever seen him laugh.
“I’m stealing that. I like that one. Shit with a bow on it,” Don wipes at his eyes and Ellie smiles at him.
“My stupid mom told me that once.” She laughs now too.
“She seems like a good mom.” Don leans back. “Your dad told me you’ve been acting out recently. Went and got some artwork inked into your skin. May I see?” Ellie shows him her forearm and he inspects it carefully. “Very nice.” Then Don pulls his sweater up and Ellie’s mouth falls open. Don is tattooed from his wrist up. Then Don lets go of his sleeve and pulls the neck of his sweater down slightly and shows Ellie he has more covering just below his collar.
“Woah! You got those all over?” Ellie gawks at him. Don nods and smirks.
“It was a passion. That was my therapy. I have both of my legs and my other arm done as well. My entire torso.” Don smiles happily. “I enjoyed it very much. It was a good hurt.”
“Yeah. Try telling that to Birdie. She’ll fuckin’ lose her shit on you. She almost passed out and threw up getting hers! And it’s not nearly as big as mine!” Ellie is unimpressed with you and never knew why she thought you were cool or interesting. You’re just her boring, uncool mom now. Don laughs at Ellie again.
“You are by far my most entertaining patient. Ever.” Don wipes his eyes with his fingers again. Ellie smiles at this. “Moving on though…you got caught smoking weed. Your dad says you stole from him.” Don doesn’t look disappointed in Ellie. More just like he wants to know why.
“Yeah. A lot of people in town do it. Seems more fun than bein’ drunk.” She grumbles. “I didn’t think it would matter. He always had a whole bunch,” Ellie shakes her head. “Can’t share?”
“You didn’t give him an opportunity to. You helped yourself. Is that fair? Do you want them to take from you just because you have a bunch of things?” Don questions.
“No.”
“Okay. So, you know why it was wrong. I don’t have to explain it to you. Why did you want to be under the influence?” Don adjusts his glasses again. Ellie shrugs.
“My mom n’ dad get really giggly. My mom almost fell asleep in her soup once.” Ellie laughs at the memory. Don looks concerned.
“Do they do this around you often? He asks nervously. Ellie shakes her head no.
“Never. They do it after Nora and I go to bed. I just hear ‘em giggling in the living room together after. They seem to have fun. I just wanted to giggle with Dina but I got nervous. Real fuckin’ nervous. Felt like I was going to die.” Ellie will never do it again. Dina wants to though.
“Okay. You made it seem like they do it all the time.” Don chuckles as the nerves subside. Ellie grins.
“No. When my mom was pregnant my dad would go out, smoke, go make the best fuckin’ snacks and then we would play board games until mom was too uncomfortable to sit down. I had so much fun. I loved that shit. Dad was giggly. Mom was always so sassy with him. Made me fuckin’ laugh.” Ellie grins again at more memories.
“Do you do snack and game nights still?” Don asks curiously.
“No. We haven’t had the time..with the wal and everything. Dad’s been working a lot more. Earlier n’ later everyday. Mom and I do stuff all the time. Walks with Nora. She’s been showing me how to sew my own clothes. How to plant stuff in the garden dad put in the backyard for her.” Ellie nods. She’s got a good family. “Dad takes me to do stuff whenever he can. We have fun hunting and scouting.”
“Good. Try and get your games and your snacks back. I bet you would all have fun.” Don suggests. “Can I ask something?” Ellie nods. “Why did you ask about people changing earlier. Do you want to change?” Don sounds curious. Ellie shrugs.
“I dunno. I wish I didn’t like this one person so much. It’d make my life a lot easier if I just liked them regular.” Ellie grumbles. “Sucks because I like to like her. But it makes me feel sick because I don’t think she likes me back. I just wish I could change. It’d be easier to like boys. There are so many more. It’d be easier to not love my best friend. I do. I wish I could be someone else.” Ellie has tears in her eyes.
“That’s no reason to want to change completely… even though it feels like one right now. Fifteen is such a hard age— every age is hard! New things you have to learn how to navigate. New feelings. New hormones. Lack of hormones. New pains. New aches. New things you cannot eat or drink. New reasons to go to the doctor.” Don sounds exhausted with aging.
“Sucks. Sucks a lot of dicks.” Ellie wrinkles her nose. Don nods.
“It sure fucking does. But don’t think that you have to change. One of the shitty parts of our new world, Ellie. I don’t normally speak this way… at all… but I want you to know how fucking serious I am,” Don is smirking as he swears at Ellie and it makes her smile. “You are good and perfect. Smart and beautiful. Nothing has to change about you. Your feelings for your friend…unfortunately…may stay? You might have to remove yourself from the friendship, your feelings might go away? Who knows. Your heart will tell you when either enough is enough or you decide your feelings aren’t as strong as you thought.”
“Sounds dumb.” Ellie grumbles. Don laughs.
“It is dumb. Very dumb. It’s the truth though. As long as you know your friend isn’t hurting you on purpose…teasing you or trying to keep you around for the wrong reasons.”
“How do I know if she is doing that?” Ellie whispers nervously. Don thinks for a moment.
“Does your gut ever tell you when something is amiss– not right?” Don tilts his head to the side gently. Ellie thinks for a second.
“Yeah. I’ve felt that before.” She sure did. In the woods with that fucker David. She knew she couldn’t trust him, her gut was telling her to get the fuck out of there and away from them but she needed medicine for Joel.
“You might feel it in your gut. When she asks for things or how she speaks to you. Is she kind?” Don wonders and worries for you. It’s obvious in his eyes.
“Yeah. She is a good friend. A real good friend. I know she is just confused.” Ellie explains. Her and Dina talk about this in length.
“Fifteen is confusing. A lot of different ages are." Don sighs. "You learn how to handle things differently. You learn who you really are because right now, you're still trying to figure it out." Don doesn't look like this is therapy advice.
"Do you ever really find that out?" Ellie squints her eyes at him. "I don't think you do. I think who we are changes all the time. I wasn't who I was a year ago." Ellie shrugs. "I don't think I am who I would have wanted to be a year ago either." She frowns now because she just wanted to be a happy fifteen year old with parents who didn't lie to her or say they forgot about her when that's not what she means! Fuck. Ellie wanted love. Ellie wanted to feel cared about. She was desperate for it and it made her sick to her stomach to feel that way. Why? Why does she feel this pulling feeling towards no one in particular? She just wants someone to look at her the way Joel looks at you. Or the way Levi looked at Dina for so long. Lucas looked at Connie. She wanted someone to look at her that way. Dina did for three second once and it had Ellie rolling around on the floor of her room that night giggling. Now she feels stupid.
"That's insightful. Self-aware too." Don winks at her and smiles. "As you get older it's easier to say-- this is what I want. I will do this to get it. If I can't then you have these options to deal with it. At your age those you think of the things you want as something you need. You don't have the developed brain or the coping mechanisms to deal with it so it feels like the end of the world. That will stop... unless you have a chemical imbalance in your brain or a mental illness." Don winks and again and Ellie loves when he does that. He's just a nice guy. Ellie can tell. "Can I ask you something? If you don't want to talk about it, I completely understand, but I'll ask if that okay?"
Ellie nods.
"Your father told me about some of the things that happened when you traveled, but I'm interested in one thing in particular because neither of your parents were with you at the time." Don sits back and relaxes in his chair but Ellie doesn't relax. Nope. "Do you remember?"
"Yeah." She is quiet and reserved and want's to go home.
"We can talk about it another time, if you'd like. Or not at all. But... if something bad happened there...anything at all. No matter how big or small it seems... I will listen. Always." Don gives Ellie another choice.
"I'd rather not talk about it."
Notes:
^thats your husband admitting he thinks your tattoo is hot
do u guys like my gifs or r they dumb? :/ i'm lookin' at 'em anyway. u all should too.
also, it took me twenty minutes to get through writing bird getting her tattoo. I was laughing too hard. I love tattoos and have so many but that was my reaction the first time I got one like what the actual fuck is this!?)
i'm not a country music person... I don't know if Amazed by Lonestar is a good love song! I listened to it once! to write that one part in the beginning! I'm sorry if no one liked it. I googled popular love songs of 1999 ( my Joel doesn't listen to the hot one hundred billboard hits. he's listening to old country radio stations) and it was that from google. so, please don't hate me. I like angry screamo music and sad women singing to me. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
disclaimer: I have Birdie parent Ellie the way I fuckin' would. Scared as shit. Terrified of a fifteen year old girl in my house!? Would you also not be terrified of her? Do you blame Bird? Do you?
Chapter 30: A Brief Article Regarding Time Loops
Summary:
You and Joel experience something incredible together.
You open up to Ellie.
Someone has to travel... quickly.
Notes:
this is just a lil trigger warning- just sad baby stuff. Nothing too heart-wrenching. Just makes you feel real sad for a baby that's not real but we all love my fake made up children. Fuckin' cuties.
a brief article regarding time loops- the callous daoboys
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Oh my god.” You’re holding on to one of Nora’s hands and she is freakin’ walking. Joel is sitting on the ground with his legs outstretched wide and his arms out to her.
“Let her go. See if she can do it.” Joel urges and smirks at the not so little baby anymore.
“I don’t wanna… she’s gettin’ so big. Walking at almost nine months? No. I’m not ready.” You walk the baby into Joel’s grasp and drop to your hands and knees and crawl across the floor. “Do this forever.” You whimper. You reach a good distance and sit down on the floor. You mirror Joel and touch your feet to his and hold your arms out. “‘Kay. Let her go.”
Joel steadies her carefully, kisses the back of her head and send her off on her first steps alone. You and Joel both go completely silent…holding your breath even. She is walking now. She wobbles gently and hesitates. Falls. She took four good steps. You have tears in your eyes.
“No, don’t cry.” Joel points his finger at you. “Don’t you do it.” He’s warning you now because he also has tears in his eyes.
“I can’t help it! She’s our baby! She’s going to grow up! The brat upstairs already thinks we are lame and stupid.” You shout loud enough for her to hear through the closed door.
“Just you, MommaBird.” Ellie calls back from her bedroom. Joel has to stifle a chuckle.
“What did I ever do to you!?” You yell up at her. “I am just trying to love you and you are making it so fucking difficult!” It’s exclaimed out of you with force as you slap your hand on the floor dramatically. You turn to Joel who is picking Nora up off the floor. “Is the small one going to hate me eventually too? Do they just always like Dad better? That was not the case in my house. My mom was the cool one,” You snap at him.
Joel nods at you silently. You groan in frustration.
“You need a son.” Joel smirks. “A boy loves and respects his mom different— a good son does. Not some pieces of shit I know.” Joel grumbles. You stare at him.
“Let me know if you just… you know, find a baby boy in the woods. I’ll take ‘em. If it’s a girl you can toss that shit right into Connie’s lap. I’m done with girls. Gonna like you better? Bullshit.” You snap at him again. You make Joel chuckle. Nora is trying to walk but Joel is holding her in one place. Teasing her.
“Work for it. Move yer’lil legs.” Joel growls at her and Nora screams and moves her legs fast like she was running. “I’mma getchya.” Joel snarls behind her back and you see Nora shiver and squeal again. Joel bites her back with his lips and snarls again deeply. Nora jumps up and down in his hands and belly laughs.
“Stop! Stop being such a good, fun dad! I wanna be the favorite.” You plead with him.
“Oh shush. Lemme have my moment. Worlds best dad over here.” Joel lets Nora go but she tumbles forward and bumps her head on the floor. It goes silent in the house. You and Joel stare at each other. He shakes his head from side to side slowly.
Nora looks up… looks for you but you do not make eye contact with her. She looks back at Joel for eye contact but he denies her. Neither one of you blink or move or breath. Nora is just laying there on the floor and then she takes one deep breath in and wails. Loudly. Joel scoops her up and nuzzles his face into her cheek.
“I’m sorry, Worm. I thought you had it. Don’t cry— oh, you’re breakin’ my heart, Inchworm. Stop it.” Joel tries to soothe her with kisses and snuggles but she reaches for you. Crying still. Holding her little arms out and her face red and wet with tears.
“Oh do you want Mama? Is that who makes the booboos and the tears go away?” You lean in and take Nora from Joel and he scowls at you. You stick your tongue out at him and nuzzle your nose against the still sniffling and sobbing baby. “S’okay. Don’t cry. You need me nuggle you?” You talk baby to her and she whimpers. She has a red mark and a small bump on her forehead. “Worlds best dad dropped our freakin’ Worm on her noggin’?” You coo to her gently and rock her in your arms from side to side gently.
“I’m sorry, Worm.” Joel crawled over and kisses her softly on the side of the face. “I don’t like makin’ you cry. Never. Forgive me?” Joel leans down and blows a raspberry on her exposed neck. Nora is crying and giggling at the same time. “Please forgive me?” He blows another raspberry and the crying subsides and the laugher is all that remains. “My Inch-worm forever n’ always?” He blows another raspberry and now she’s reaching for him again.
Sonofabitch.
Ellie comes out of her room to get dinner started without a word.
“How is Ellie?” You ask as you enter the kitchen. Joel is still making Nora laugh in the living room.
“Bored. Nothin’ to do up there.” She grumbles. “S’fine. Do we have eggs? I was going to do breakfast for dinner.” She turns around to look at you and she is just so different from the girl you went on the road with. Growing up.
“No. Ran out this morning. You can go grab some from Connie. She’s got a bunch with that new coop in the back. Go grab a couple, she doesn’t mind. Want me to come?” You offer with a smile. She nods.
You grab her hand and swing it back and forth. She doesn’t pull it away or fight or get embarrassed. You can die a happy mom.
“Can we talk about something?” Ellie whispers softly.
Never fucking mind. You’re not happy anymore.
“Yeah, Squeaker. Sup?” You smirk down at her. She doesn’t return your good gesture.
“Do you think more people will ever come here? Will more people be allowed in? Ever?” She squeezes your hand nervously. You know what she means and what she wants. You want the same things for her. Sadly, probably not going to happen here for her.
“I dunno.” You swallow hard. “S’been real rigid since the raid. Feels like things won’t ever go back to normal. Everyone is nervous. It sucks. But, I dunno. You’d have to talk to Dad n’ Uncle Tommy.”
“I’m just lonely. I don’t wanna leave. Just wish s’more people would come. Have other people my age to talk to.” She sighs. You swallow hard again.
“I know, baby. I do.” You hug her gently and instead of going to Connie’s you lead her to the bench. The forsaken bench.
“I know you do. S’why I’m talking to you about it.” She looks up at you with soft eyes. “What happened with your dad? I’m a little older. It’s not bedtime.”
You stare at this child who is your daughter. Found or not, she’s yours. Lying isn’t an option. Shielding… is hard to do in this situation. You scan her face and wonder if telling her will damager her or make her understand you more.
“It’s fucked up.” You warn her. “Very fucked up.” Ellie’s eyes go wide.
“My mom… was a loud lady. Nervous n’ jumpy ‘cause of my dad always yellin’ at her.” You whisper. “S’when our car broke down… we were maybe a mile away from a town… full of runners and other bullshit. Looters– raiders we call ‘em now. People with nervous trigger fingers.” You try and keep your eyes on hers but it is hard. You try and swallow this lump in your throat but it’s hard and keeps getting caught.
“What happened?” Ellie doesn’t care about you choking.
“My mom just wouldn’t stop crying. No matter how many times my dad told her to stop she just wouldn’t do it. Couldn’t. She was so scared.” You do look away from Ellie now because you’re ashamed. “My dad knelt her down in front of a Honda Civic and handed me the revolver I carried around for so long– the one I gave you.” You nod your head to her but still keep your eyes on the ground. “Made me shoot her in the back of the head, Ellie. Told me if I didn’t… He’d do it to me or leave me for the infected—”
“You were fifteen fucking years old.” Ellie sounds angry. You snap your head up to her and her brows are pinched like Joel’s and she is scowling like him, too.
“Yeah. I was. I was just as scared as my mom but I knew not to cry, it’d just make everything worse.” You whisper over to her.
“He fucking did that to you?” She is appalled and her mouth is hanging open. You nod silently. “What the fuck? Why didn’t you just turn the gun on him?” Ellie snarls. You shrug.
“I think about a lot of things I wish I had done instead with that gun. When you’re young n’ scared. Don’t really think straight. My life before the outbreak wasn’t… shit, I dunno. It wasn’t hard. I had on fuckin’ flip flops the day of the outbreak. I was so unprepared.” You shake your head. “My dad had all that shit ready for me the day off. Sneakers, clothes, jacket n’ boots. Everything. He thought of all that stuff for me. He packed it. He put it in the car for me.” You turn to her now. “He saved my life so many times out there. I hated him so much but I owed him my life. Didn’t think I’d be able to do it without him.” Ellie grabs your hand and holds it tightly.
“You did fucking do it. You did and you did it fucking good as hell.” She is fiery hot right now with rage. “Tell me that sonofabitch got what was comin’ to him?” She is still scowling. You nod with a smirk because you know she’s going to love this.
She smiles the entire time you tell her what happened with your dad. Even through all the gory details. She smiles and hold your hand.
“Good.” She declares. “He was a bastard. I hope he hurt the whole fuckin’ time.” She snarls.
“Okay, Joel Jr. Let’s get eggs.” You tease her.
“How have things been with Ellie? Any more drugs or tattoos?” Patti smirks like it is hilarious that your teenage daughter doesn’t freaking respect you.
“No, thankfully. I don’t know how much more I can take from her making me feel stupid.” You roll your eyes. “I know she is going through it! I know! That’s why I wanted to get her help!” You exclaim.
“Being a mom is difficult. You have to be a paradox. Nice and mean. Soft and firm. Honest but shielding.” Patti shakes her head at you in shared frustration. “It’s the hardest job in the world. Thankless. Your children will criticize everything you do and make you feel terrible for it. They want to hurt your feelings! They didn’t ask for any of this— the struggles of real life. No one asks for it. We are born into it and then given parents who don’t know what the fuck their doing. Frustrating.” Patti tries to ease your stress but it doesn’t do much.
“Oh this sounds like so much fun.” You wrinkle your brow and look out the window. “Does it ever get easier?” You sigh.
“No. It just comes with new struggles and new fears. They’ll really leave someday. And you’ll worry where they are or what they are doing without you.” She frowns sadly. “They like you more though once they leave.” She winks gently and tries to smile. “They’ll want to spend time with you and tell you about their lives outside of you now. Need advice. Want comfort. Need their mom. It never gets easier but you start to feel more appreciated. Makes the job a little less unbearable.” She rolls her eyes.
“Boys aren’t like that?” You snicker. She shakes her head.
“Not my son. He needed his mom from day one. Him and his girlfriend asked me to be in her delivery room when my grandson was born. We were very close— I was close with my daughter but we fought. Butt heads constantly. My son was too laid back to fight. Never liked confrontation. Very much like his own father.” She smiles fondly on the memory.
“Your husband was a good man?” You ask curiously. She nods.
“He was. Very kind and patient. I don’t know how the angry ones end up with the ones who deserve our anger the least.” She frowns sadly. "I struggle with controlling my angry outbursts. I would say cruel and untrue things to my husband to try and hurt him. When I felt attacked, mostly.” She nods. “Not nice or fair but I acknowledged it and worked on it constantly throughout my marriage.”
“How did you not blow up at him?” You wrinkle your face together like it’s actually impossible.
“It’s hard. I slipped up a few times. Like I said, he was kind and patient…much like yourself.” Patti tilts her head to you softly. You sigh. “It’s not a bad thing. It could be if you’re husband isn’t serious about changing. Don feels very seriously about his patient confidentiality. So, he doesn’t speak to me about Joel.” She frowns at you again now, more sad like she could tell you if he was really getting better or just trying to slap bandaids on everything.
“Do you speak to Don about me?” You’re not upset if she does, just curious. She nods.
“I told you that I was in school working towards getting my degree. Even then, therapists sometimes discuss things within their own circle. We don’t know everything. Just how to try and help. How the brain works. Why it might do the things it does. He helps me when I am stumped with you.” She smirks.
Shiiiiiit.
“Damn. That crazy huh? Had to call in the big guns?” You smirk back at her nervously. “Should… I be talking to Don and Joel be here talking to you?” Your eyes dart all across her living room like you’ve never been in here and this is a strange place to you now.
“I don’t think it matters. I like your visits. I’m invested in you and your family.” She smiles with kind, real soft eyes.
“Does the pain of ever losing my mom go away? I know that my circumstances are different but, I struggle with her being gone a lot.” You swallow hard around the lump in your throat. “Never thought I’d have a baby without her by my side. Did it almost dead and with my brother-in-law.” You snort sadly. “Sucks. Not fair.”
“It’s not. It’s never easy. You have the best memories of your mom minus the last bad one. You didn’t have to see her age or get sick. Forget who you are… it doesn’t make your loss any easier but most kids deal with that when their parents die.” She blinks so slowly and it’s making you sleepy. Her calm voice and slow blinking… Witch!
“Yeah. I had to just see her brains splatter all over the side of a green Honda.” You shrug. Patti frowns.
“You hold guilt in your heart which I understand,” She stars and leans forward slightly. “You are a survivor. It doesn’t always feel good to survive. Not at all sometimes. Survivors guilt. A lot of people over the last twenty years struggled and still do with the same feeling.” She whispers comfortingly.
“I know.” It comes out breathless and soft because you do know. You know Joel struggles with it.
“I told you a while ago that this is a different world. Hard. Unforgiving. Downright cruel sometimes.” She snaps softly. “Doesn’t mean we have to hang ourselves for it. You did what you needed to stay alive. It was horrific and traumatizing. Unfair for anyone to go through.” She is still whispering but you’ve closed your eyes. You have tears. They’re coming.
“If I had to do it, why do I feel this way?” You whisper with your eyes still closed.
“Even back in the old world, we needed to do things we didn’t want to. To survive. It’s not nearly as terrible as what we do now. We have to sometimes fight to the death. We didn’t have to before. We had to work. Smile nicely at people we didn’t like. We had to move houses and deal with car accidents. It’s just different.”
“Sounds completely different. How can you compare what we did after the outbreak to what we did before it?” You snap, opening your eyes. Your lashes are dewy with tears.
“How can you compare the world we lived in to this one? You cannot.” She sounds desperate for you to try and understand her. Listen to her words, let them soak and mainate. “You went from one night sneaking out to see your boyfriend— to then running around in the woods after shooting your mother. How are those things comparable? Please tell me?” She is frustrated now… maybe a little angry with you. You don’t normally question her the way you just did.
“How!? How do I just allow myself to do that? I can’t. That’s what I’m struggling with.” You’re frustrated now, too! You want to not feel this way.
“Did you feel this way out there in those woods? Did you feel this way when you were alone with your father? Did you feel this way on the road with your then fuck buddy and the brat he was escorting? Did you, Birdie?” She is leaning forward so far now that her elbows are on her knees.
“No.” You huff at her. “‘Cause it was different—” You pause and look at her smiling at you. “It’s different out there than it is in here.” She taps her head when you say that.
“You are getting some semblance of a normal life. One you probably didn’t think ever possible. Now you have it. Peace. Sleeping quietly at night.” She leans back now. “You used to be so exhausted when you lay your head down to sleep that you probably just used to fall asleep. Easy. Maybe frightened…but tired.
“Yeah.” You did! You did so many things. So many chores and hunting and scavaging. Foraging what you knew how to. Fucking cutting firewood. You were a tough bitch out there alone for four years. You could fish and did so many scouting missions on your own!! You were tough!!
“Now…you’re maybe a little lazy. Not so tired when you rest your head down at night. Now you think. Life is feeling normal. The things you did do not. So you try and deal with them, process them, compartmentalize things, push them out. Forget. Go crazy because now you have time to think about what you did and not surviving.” She sounds so mean! She is being so helpful but she sounds like she has explained this to seven million people and you just asked her to do it again one more time.
“Okay.” You sigh.
“I’m sorry. I’m just passionate that you have to cut yourself some slack. Most people do. Not everyone adapted to this world as well as others. Once you accept that you didn’t do those things because you wanted to…but your hand was forced. Literally. In most if not all of those memories playing in your head right now. Think. Were you not backed into a corner most of those times?” Now she is soft and kind again and charmin’ your fuckin’ pants right off.
“Accept it.” You whisper. “Sounds easy. Should I journal that?” You snap your eyes up at her and she is scowling at you. You smirk and her face softens. “Sorry. I’m just still kinda mad at you about that.” You snicker.
“I’m mad at myself. I should have had you do it here. In my basement or kitchen. Alone. I wasn’t thinking. You can always burn your bad secrets here in my house where no one will see. Just don’t burn my house down.
"Is that why things felt different on the road? Or is that just my relationship... like, settling? I just felt like, I dunno, we never fought. We always were intimate-" Patti cuts you off.
"You weren't in a relationship on the road. As much as you might think you were... you were just fucking. He saved you life, yes, but he didn't enter into that relationship with you until he brought you back here. That's when you spoke about it, yes?" She nods at you. You nod back at her, silent. "Your husband is a good man, a great man. He didn't ask you to be his girlfriend before asking you to travel. He did that only after you got back here. That's why things felt different."
"He never asked. I asked him!" You realize you've never been asked to be someones girlfriend. You marched you ass right up to Jackie Harris between seventh and eight period and told him that he was your boyfriend now. Declared it and he said okay. Then you dated for six months.. so. You're sad again and you don't know why because he asked you to marry him! What's the big deal? There isn't one. You're dramatic.
“What are you doing?” You eye Joel who is standing at the end of the bed. He has his hand underneath his shirt…just rubbing his lower stomach gently. His eyes trail from your gaze all the way down to your ankles.
“Lookin’ at’chya.” Joel winks. “I think about that time you got yourself off for me— when you wore my shirt. I think ‘bout it all the time.” He’s smirking at you with a raised brow.
“I bet you do. Why? You wanna do it again or something?” You roll your eyes at him playfully and set down the book you were reading.
“Kids r’sleepin’. We could.” Joel moves his hand from his stomach down into the waistband of his boxers and sighs softly as he teases himself. “Could try somethin’ new.” He is devilish right now.
“Like?”
“Let me put it in your ass?” He is grinning.
“You should have done that before we got married. Now you lost your chance. No. That hurt.” You stick your tongue out at him and pick your book back up but he speaks before you can find the place you ended.
“Fine. Don’t need it that bad. Dry. What do you wanna do? Anything?” He is still trying and now he’s not just teasing himself, he’s fulling stroking.
“I’d like to read my book.” You tease him with your words as you scooch down in bed. You close your book and hold it in one hand as your hand finds the spot at the tip of your slit. Joel sees the movement under the blankets but doesn’t move.
“What’re y’doin’?” Joel’s voice is deep and quiet. You bite your bottom lip as your two fingers circle and tease. Joel breathes out heavily as you sigh.
“Thinkin’ ‘bout you.” You whisper softly. Joel does it again, sighs loudly and his strokes slow in his boxers. “Missin’ your perfect cock.” You smirk now.
"How bad you miss it?" Joel growls at you from the end of the bed. His fist leave him and he pushes his boxers down to his ankles and steps out of them, and then pulls his shirt off. Joel walks to your side of the bed-- rock hard, throbbing and an angry red tip-- and plucks the book from your hand and sets it gently on the nightstand. Once he has your full attention, he strokes himself again. He's so close, it's like you can feel the heat radiating off of him. Instead of wrapping your hand around it, you rub the pad of your thumb along his seam. Joel sighs softly, his hips buck forwards gently against your touch. You're just collecting the pre-come pooled there and bring it to your lips. Joel watches intently as your tongue licks it from your digit.
"Fuck, babygirl." Enamored with you again. Staring at you. Joel's free hand reaches down to the bed, and pulls the blankets away from your lower half. He groans and closes his eyes for a moment, his teeth catch his bottom lip and then he looks back. You've spread your legs wide for him and had your hand in your shorts the way he had his earlier. You're drenching your fingers in your slickness. "Lemme see it." His eyes are locked onto between your legs. "Please, Bird. I wanna see it." He sounds amazed by you like he hasn't been inside of you before.
"Take them off me." You murmur softly with a smirk as your fingers never stop moving. Joel gives you a knowing look and crawls onto the bed beside you.
"I'mma rip 'em." Joel warns you. You nod happily, pulling your digits from within your velvet and extend them to your husband. He is excitedly awaiting your fingers with his open mouth. He sucks them desperately.
The shorts old and have a hole in them already, so you don't really care. They're honestly just an old pair of Joel's boxers that you stole when you were pregnant. Joel doesn't care. He puts his two index fingers in the small hole near the waistband and pulls gently. While he parts your fingers with his strong tongue, making sure to not miss a single drop you've gifted him; you hear the fabric ripping. He stops pulling the fabric apart, adds his middle fingers from both hands and now he tears the cloth easily. Sounds like paper ripping when he does it. You withdraw your fingers from his mouth and grab his chin to make him look at you, his eyes find yours and he smirks. Why!? Why is he so hot!? Ugh. He gets a better grip on the old boxers, one side in each of his clenched fists. Now he puts in some effort to tear the waistband. He yanks and it rips in half noisily. You laugh as he frees you from the boxers and turns you to your side so he can yank them from underneath you. He gives you ass a good smack.
"Ready?" Joel's voice is husky with excitement. He is still throbbing and driveling pre-come against his stomach.
"For what?" You grin. Joel grins and leans down to hover over you.
"First time tonight I'm gonna have you beggin' me to stop." Joel drops down to kiss you. "Knees up here," Joel taps the pillow by your head. "Make you come until you can't gush no more." Joel has a determination in his voice.
"What!?" You exclaim quietly. Joel shakes his head at you and sigh. You watch as he grabs you behind the knee on both legs and pushes them up to your ears. You're staring up at him from between your own legs. "Can you do that!?" You're nervous and excited.
"S'much fuckin' as we do? I dunno. I'mma test it. Find out." He smirks as he pulls his hips back. You watch him try to place his cock at your entrance without using his hands but he's pressed firmly to his stomach. You reach up and touch him, stroke him gently in your fist. Joel's eyes never leave your middles as your hands guide him to your entrance. "Love when you touch my cock." Joel throatily groans to you as you stroke him while the tip of him slides within you"Fuuck, Birdie. Yer'hand's r'so s-soft." Joel stutters. He doesn't do that much...only when you make him feel real good.
You don't get to touch it as often as you might think, since he is so anti-handjob. He's usually the one touching it. It just goes inside of you one entrance or another. You never really wrap your hand around it like this. A couple of times. He is molten hot to the touch and trembling while you thrust your fist up and down his length while he sits at your entrance.
"Lemme go, lil girl." Joel sighs as he pushes his hips into yours slowly. "Such a tight...lil cunt." He coos down to you airily. When the tip of him touches as far as it will go, Joel pushes you knees harder into the pillows and holds himself up using your legs as support. "Even tighter like this." Joel groans as your pussy clenches around him without you even having to do anything. He's positioned over you, hovering. You are bent in half. His cock somehow- by the grace of the god who saved your life three times- allows him deeper inside of you, deeper than you thought he could go without hurting you. It's a soundless, gasp-stealing pleasure spot that he touches inside of you. You're not sure where or how he found it. Never did this to you before. But it's incredible. Joel doesn't pull out, either. He holds himself inside of you and gyrates his hips that are pressed flush against your ass and the back of your thighs. He's still pinning you to the bed by your knees.
"Ohmygod." You whimper breathlessly as he withdraws himself from you. You're panting, mostly from being folded up this way but also, you couldn't breathe in when he was inside of you that deeply. That's your pause button!! He found your pause or your mute button or something. Nothing was coming out of you when he touched so deeply inside of you. When just the tip of his cock is at your entrance he snaps his gaze up to yours. You can feel the head of him throbbing at your opening.
"D'you want it? Want Daddy t'fuck you now?" His eyes are so dark and so fiery right now. He's staring down at you, his tongue flicks across his bottom lip as he waits for you to answer.
"Yes." You whine with what little air you have left in your lungs. Joel hums in his throat quietly and teases your entrance with his tip. Push it in gently and slowly and then pull it from within you. Like it's a game. You're whimpering for more. Giving him your big, fake innocent eyes. Biting your bottom lip for him. He grins and his humms turn into growls as he grips you behind the knees tighter.
"Gonna bottom out." Joel warns with a raise of his eyebrows, the grin still on his face. You nod. "Might hurt a lil." Joel is giving you fair warning in his deep, twangy voice. You do not care. You want him to maybe hurt you a little, you dunno... gotta feel how bad it is first. "You say 'please Daddy' or I don't do it." Joel smirks down at you. You stare up at him in awe and adoration. He's got a little extra stubble on his cheeks and chin. You can see the pink flushing his cheeks from excitement. "M'waitin'." He growls at you now, tired of your staring at him.
"Please, Daddy." You whisper. He does not need any more temptation or guidance or help or whatever the fuck he wanted from you. You are now blind. Dead. Dumb. Joel is hammering into you with speeds you thought only possible in race-cars. You don't even hear yours and Joel's skin slapping together. It's just head spinning bliss. Rapture. It's incredible and unlike any feeling he's ever given to you before.
"Open yer'eyes, this your first day?" Joel growls down at you between your legs. You're shocked you even heard him. You didn't even know your eyes were closed! You snap them open and get a good look at your husband, his shaggy hair is messy, fallen around his face, his brows are furrowed and he's working. His forehead glistens with beads of sweat. "Good girl. Like this?" Joel pants down to you as his fingertips dig into the back and sides of your knees.
"Yes, Daddy," You gasp out as he pistons into you. "S-s-so much." You're stuttered by his deep, angry thrusts into you.
"Fuckin' perfect, babygirl." Joel groans softly as your walls clench and squeeze him inside of you. "You gonna come already?" Joel is smirking, his hips never stop moving. You can hear your skin slapping together now. You nod up at him, unable to speak. "You're gonna get wet." Joel pants softly. You do not have time to understand what he means before you're exploding on him. It's the most powerful gush you've ever given him. He groans loudly and holds himself into you when you do it so he can really feel it soaking him. Your release is dripping now onto your night shirt and chin.
"Oh god." You moan softly as he continues now with his thrusts. He does not give you time to regain your strength or thoughts or anything! He's just moving, quickly. Hadn't given himself a break at all and you wonder how he's doing that. Holding himself up that way. "Oh my gooooood." It's groaned loudly from deep within you as he drives downward, everything is in his favor in this position. How open-- yet still so tight-- you are to him, he has gravity and his own weight pushing down on him as he trusts into you. He's got the fuckin' stamina for this, apparently. You're not begging him to stop. Not ever. You won't tap out.
"Fuck. Birdie, you gonna-- fuuck." You walls still tightening around him make him groan softly before he can speak again. "You gonna gush for me again, lil girl?" Joel sounds like he might tap out before you. You nod up at him because he's right. You are. You do. Joel moves his hips throughout this gush, this one isn't as strong but there is still momentum behind it. You get some in your mouth and more on your chin and neck as he pumps himself in and out of you with lightning speed. You already feel like you might come again, or keep coming, you do not know. Your contracting around him again and whimpering softly as the pleasure almost becomes to much. Tears in your eyes as he never lets up. "Yep. Knew it. 'Nother. Come for me, babygirl. What's this? Three? How fast was that Birdie?" Joel is mocking you, his tone says it all as you come on him once again. You cannot think or really even know what he's saying. Just that he was mocking you and your gushing.
"Daddy." You mewl quietly. Joel sighs softly as he watches you staring up at him from between your knees. He moves one hand from you knee quickly, pushes the hair out of his face and places his hand back in the bend. He pushes both knees into the pillows harder now. Your keening cry as he makes you come one more time makes him laugh. Really laugh! Like you're funny! You're coming so hard. It's incredible. You see only light behind your eyes and hear almost nothing besides the blood in your ears. You've never made that high pitched crying noise before! There are hot, wet tears streaming down your cheeks as he continue chuckling through your gushing.
"Four. Done yet? That one was weak, Bird." Joel is panting harder and gripping behind your knees tightly. "Open." He demands. You do the best you can as he gets a good one ready for you. When he spits, he misses and it lands on your cheek and just under your right eye. He frowns and does it one more time, this time-- he hits your upper lip and the back of your throat at the same time with the same shot. You close your mouth and swallow his gift now and moan softly.The hair he pushed out of his face is tumbled back into his face. "You gotta say stop, lil girl. I'll stop whenever you tell me, baby." He's grinning and watching your face and your mouth as you whine and whimper underneath him. Mewing quietly as he barrels himself into your hips. Your walls squeeze him again and his eyes widen... "No way, baby. Five? Gotta lemme know when t'come. I'll come n' you can stop gushin' baby." He coos to you sweetly. You come once more.
"C-C-Come." You choke it out to him. He was waiting for you. He pushes himself deeply inside of you once last time and groans loudly. He's throbbing and twitching inside of your cunt, the warmth from his release fills you and makes you gasp quietly. Joel lets go of one of your knees again and pushes the hair away from his forehead again. You watch as he wipes the sweat from his brow and holds himself inside of you. Unmoving.
"Fuck. Five? In how many minutes?" Joel looks at the clock on his nightstand. "Five gushes in five minutes. The last one didn't have anything to it." He pants softly, his cock growing softer as he leans down to kiss you. He licks your leftover release of your chin and tilts your head up and licks it off your jaw and below your ears. "Fuck." He grunts into your ear quietly as he slips from within your warmth. "You ok? Haven't said anything...you mad at me?" Joel pulls away and looks down nervously.
"Lemme go." You whine as he legs go of your other knee and legs you unfold. "Oh my God." You groan softly. "Amazing. You're amazing." You pant soft. You can barely breathe and have tears rolling down your face. Joel chuckles at you. As he wipes the tears and his miscalculated saliva off your face with the heel of his hand.
"Dehydrated? I betchya are. Look'it your shit." He points down and you're once light gray night shirt is now soaked dark in several spots but mostly the hem down by your belly. "Dripping." Joel touches your shirt softly. You're staring at him.
"Are you so impressed with yourself? You blink at him. He blinks back at you.
"Are y'not impressed with me!? Did you see what I did t'you! I heard them sounds you were makin'. Never heard you make that real high pitched one 'fore. Where'd that come from? Here?" Joel touches the wet spot on your shirt and pressed into your belly gently. You slap his hand away.
"I need a new shirt. And a snack." You pull your shirt off and toss it into the hamper. Joel is out of the room when you turn around. You chuckle because after what he just did to you... you should be making him the snack, honestly. The man is incredible. You two eat snacks and fall asleep. Only waking up three hours later.
Nora starts crying in her room. Loudly.
"Cryin'?" Joel looks in the direction of her room. "Weird." He mumbles sleepily
"Yeah, she was a little sick this afternoon. Fussy before she went down." You kiss him gently before you go pick her up and he holds you to him by the cheeks with one hand for two seconds before he lets you go.
When you get there she has snot coming out of her nose and her cry sounds congested. She’s coughing. She had a little fever this morning and a slight rasp in her chest but she’s gotten worse since you put her to sleep. “Poor Worm. Sicky girl.” You hold her close to your chest as she cries.
Nora doesn’t stop crying.
Which is weird.
Joel comes into her room ten minutes later with pants on and a look of concern. He’s holding his arms out to her but she refuses him and snuggles into your neck. She coughs loudly and you hear the fluid in her lungs.
“Sounds nasty.” Joel’s eyebrows are pinched but his eyes are soft. “She warm?” He places the back of his hand on her forehead and rips it away quickly. “C’mon. Get dressed, let’s take her to the medical center.” He sounds worried as he takes her from you and now you’re panicked.
“Why? She really warm? She didn’t seem that warm. I just checked. What’s wrong?” You’re following him back into your bedroom where he pulls a t-shirt out of your dresser and hands it to you. “Joel, it’s bad? She’s real sick?” Your voice is trembling.
“She’s burnin’ up. Cryin’ like she’s never cried. Yeah, let’s go. Run and tell Ellie, I’m going to start over there now.” He hands you a pair of pants and you’re fumbling trying to put them on.
“Wait for me!” You exclaim yanking your jeans up over the shorts you wear to bed. “Don’t leave me, and I can’t run after you.” You snap as he slips his boots on. You’re up the stairs before he can get the second one on.
Ellie is asleep in bed and she looks like a fucking monster. Her hair is crazy and she’s drooling. She has one foot or hand in each corner of the bed. Jesus. How did you sleep with her.
“Hey, Squeak.” You call to her sharply. She snaps her head up and looks at you sleepily. “Nora’s real sick. Taking her to the medical center. Come meet us there when you wake up if we aren—”
Ellie is out of bed now, not even waiting for you to finish before she is looking for clothes to put on. She isn’t even really awake. She’s just moving around grabbing clothing items.
“Ellie, go back to bed. We’re just gonna be sitting up there. Come get us in the morning if we aren’t home.” You whisper to her. She nods and carries the miscellaneous clothing items to her bed and gets back under the covers.
Joel is waiting at the bottom of the stairs for you with an inconsolable Nora.
The doctors take Nora from Joel as soon as you get there. They let you follow them into a room where they give her oxygen from a little baby breathing mask. It’s heartbreaking as she reaches for you and cries. She tries to paw the mask off her face as one of the nurses holds it to her face gently. Nora just looks between you and Joel with confusion as to why neither of you are helping her. They slide the elastic around her head and continue to hold it to her mouth and nose so she can't knock it away with her hands.
One of the doctors checks her lungs as Nora screams louder and makes herself cough and choke so bad she’s gagging. She spits up once into the mask.
“Joel this is fucking scary.” You whimper into his chest. One eye is on Nora, the other is pressed into his shirt. He’s holding you close and staring at his daughter.
“She’s gonna be okay, Birdie.” He soothes you but you think that was more for him than you! “She’s gonna be tough. She’s just like her mom. Tough. Came into this world fightin’ B.” He leans down, eyes still locked onto the baby whose whole body is red now from this fit of coughing and crying.
“Can one of us hold her or something?” You ask with tears in your eyes. The nurses look at you and shake nod their heads. Joel pushes you over gently and you take Nora into your arms but she does not settle. She is crying harder now because you won’t take the mask off her face. She starts to struggle and fight you in your lap. “Shhhh. It’s okay, Nora. Calm down. Sweetheart.” You try and comfort her but she is twisting in your grasp. Joel comes and takes her from you now but she does the same thing. Tries to reach for you again.
The oxygen mask get’s stuck on one of her fingers and extends away from her face and the snaps back against her mouth and nose and it just sets her off more and she isn’t crying. She is just screaming and coughing. She is coughing so hard she actually gags harder now and throws up into the mask and the nurses takes it off her face completely and switches out the mask for a new one on the end of the oxygen tube and wait.
“Jesus Christ, Joel.” You whisper up to him as you wipe the vomit off her face. She has no stopped crying or settled down at all. Not even with the oxygen mask off her face now. She is reaching for you, Joel passes her off but the minute she is in your arms she wants to go back to him.
“S’wrong?” Joel coos into her crying face as he takes her back from you. “Nora, what is the matter, sweet girl?” He holds her to his chest gently as she gets sent into another coughing fit. Her eyes are soaking wet and red, just like the rest of her.
“Is she going to be able to breathe? She sounds like she can’t breathe.” You snap your head to the nurses who are waiting for her to stop crying before they try and hold the mask to her face. “Gimmie that.” You snatch it out of their hands and hold it up to her mouth and nose like they had. Joel holds her head in one hand gently.
Nora fights you like she got paid to.
“Nora Olivia. Calm down sweetheart. Just shhhh. It’s okayyy. Mama n’ Dada are right here, baby.” You whisper to try and calm her. Nothing is working.
“Sounds like RSV or whooping cough. Both are highly contagious. Dangerous to babies under the age of one so we’re going to admit her. Give her a little sedative and get some fluids and antibiotics into her.” One of the Doctors says after a moment of listening to her chest again. “Joel, can I talk to you?” The same Doctor nods Joel out into the hallway.
Your husband hands Nora to you as she screams for him to come back. Reaching for him as he walks away.
“He’s comin’ right back. He’ll come hold you in a minute, Worm. It’s okay.” You whisper to her gently and try to rock her back and forth but she is pushing you away and staring at Joel as he walks out of the room. Nora sobs loudly and sends herself into another coughing fit. “Nora!” You try and grab her attention away from the door but it doesn’t work.
Your baby has never, ever done anything like this. She has had fevers and had a cold or two. Diaper rash. Fell and bumped her head three days ago. Never in her almost nine months of being alive has she ever cried like this. Not even as a tiny baby. You are petrified.
Joel comes back into the room looking pale and nervous. This makes you even more nervous and now you are trembling with your daughter in your arms. The look he has in his eyes reminds you of the look he had when he had seen the horde behind you in the woods after the raid. It makes your blood run cold.
“What?” You whisper. The words almost don’t come out of you. Joel doesn’t say anything, he just takes Nora from you and holds her against his chest. “Joel, what did they say?” You wanna snap in his face with your fingers but you don’t. He snaps his eyes to yours now.
“They have one round of antibiotics. S’not gonna be enough. She needs more n’ they dont have it.” Joel stares down at your confused face. You don’t get it. This is a medical center…they have all the medicine. This is bonkers. No way. “I have to take one of these Doctors to a hospital in Moran to get medicine. They said they know there is medicine there. They stashed it away before they came down here n’ just haven’t been able to go get it. Haven’t had a guide down there or a need.” Joel whispers
“Have you even been to Moran? Do you know how to get there?” You snap at him over Nora’s crying. Joel shakes his head. “So why you?” You give him scared and worried eyes.
“S’my kid.” Joel shrugs. You are fuming.
“Exactly the reason someone else should fucking take one of these doctors. You do so fucking much for this god damned town. You have a sick nine month old and a fifteen year old at home.” You growl at him.
“I don’t trust anyone else, Bird. None of these assholes can do it s’fast as I can. Get the doctor there and back in two fuckin’ days if we leave right now. Sooner if we only stop once.” Joel shouts at you. The nurses leave the room.
“Don’t fucking yell at me.” You snap but your tone changes very quickly. I’m scared. I’ve never dealt with a sick kid before, Joel. She is really sick and that’s scary. I don’t wanna be here alone.” You whimper now. “W-What if s-s-something h–” You start to blubber but Joel kisses you gently through your crying.
“Don’t say it, Birdie. Just don’t. Gotta be strong, okay?” He pulls away and holds Nora’s still crying face in both of his hands. For just two seconds she stops crying and sniffles as Joel kisses her. “Love you Worm. So much. MommaBird will take care of you. So will Bug. Dad will be back,” He kisses her forehead gently as he cradles her cheeks. She chokes on air when he pulls away. He grabs the back of your head and pulls your mouth to his. “I’ll be back. With vaccines for her n’ Tomas too. Doctors says theres a bunch there. More syringes and stuff. I’m gonna bring Ken and this Gary. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” You whimper as he leaves the room. Now you’re here all alone and you have a screaming…possibly seriously sick baby. This is when the nurse comes back.
“I know you don’t want us to, but we’re gonna take her now and get an IV put in. Get her calmed down n’ rehydrated. Help her sleep a little.” She reaches for Nora. You don’t want to give them your daughter.
“I can’t come?” You pull her close to your chest and turn your body away. Her nurses scrubs look too similar to the nurses that stood over Ellie in Salt Lake and now you’re heart is pounding. She nods her head but still holds her arms out for Nora. “I wanna hold her.”
“Okay. S’just hard for most parents to hold the baby when they get an IV. Gotta hold ‘em kinda tight. Mom’s usually afraid she’s hurting them.” She frowns and gives you sad eyes.
“I’ll be able to see her the entire time?” You ask cautiously. She nods her head yes again and chuckles.
“I don’t wanna steal your baby.” She laughs and then her eyes die. She freezes right there in front of you and sighs. “I’m so sorry, Bird. I didn’t mean it like that… I didn’t really.” She is genuinely sorry. You’re sweating and feeling like you could use an IV as well.
“It’s fine.” It comes out dully and sad.
“I am sorry. S’poor taste. I honestly forgot. I just wanna help her. Poor Nora. Always so happy. Sad seeing her like this.” You hand her the baby and try to excuse yourself but no words come out. You just stumble out of the medical center until you’re outside looking up at the sky.
Your baby is sick. Scary sick. Husband is leaving. Going far? Medicine? What if it’s not there… what if something happens to Joel on the way there or back? What if something does happen to Nora…? Your stomach churns and you are going to be sick in the worst way. It happens quickly. You do not have time to move or think. You just get sick in the grass outside the back door. You don’t move or do anything for so long. Maybe if you don’t move nothing else will happen like you stopped time by throwing up. You dunno.
“Mom?” Ellie’s sweet teenage girl voice calls to you from a distance and you hear her footsteps. You did not stop time. You are not a Witch like Patricia. Sonofabitch. “Mom? What’s wrong with Nora? Dad just woke me up n’ told me to come down here to be with you. S’wrong? She okay?” You appreciate her worry but you’re going to be sick again. You reach for her and she doesn’t hesitate to hold your hand as you retch again. “Mom…is Nora..going to be okay?” She has real fear in her voice.
“I dunno, Bug. I dunno. I hope so.” You weep softly. Ellie uses the back of her sleeve to wipe your mouth and chin and pulls you into a hug.
“It’s gonna be alright. I know you’re scared. I’m not scared. Not this time, MommaBird. I got you.” She rubs your back gently as she sways you from side to side slowly. “It’ll be alright. Dad said he was gonna go get medicine and that everything would be okay.
Ellie didn’t really know if everything was going to be okay. She was scared out of her fucking mind for her little sister. Dad scared the shit out of her when he came home. Woke her up and told her to go be there with Mom and Nora. He had to go. Nora was fine and would stay fine until he came back with medicine.
She’d love to believe him.
Last time Joel was saying all of that to her Bird didn’t move for five days and almost died. Everyone around her was saying Bird was going to die except Joel. So she doesn’t know what to think. Joel had been right about Bird…but when he said she was going to be fine, Ellie didn’t think he believed what he was saying.
“It’ll be okay, Mom.” She tries so hard to make things better for you because that is all you do for Ellie. Try n’ make things better. It was her turn now. “Do you wanna go see her? Can we?” She whispers into your shoulder as you cry softly. Ellie knows how scared you are. She is your first baby… but Nora is YOUR baby. The baby that came out of you and Don and Ellie just talked about how losing a child will fuck you up…so she doesn’t that to happen to both parents! No! She doesn’t need them to be sad again. Fuck, she just got them back. No.
“Let’s give her a minute to settle down. She was cryin’ real hard in there. I think I was just making it worse.” You whine softly into Ellie’s shoulder and that breaks her heart for some reason.
“No, you weren’t making it worse. No.” Ellie doesn’t even know what you’re taking about but she knows you didn’t make anything worse. How could you? “She’s probably just scared, too. It’ll be okay. I’m not scared. You told me I didn’t have to be scared.” She has tears in her eyes now because she wants so badly to believe her words and also no be scared.
Ellie holds you against her like that for several minutes before the door to the medical center opens.
“She’s asleep. You guys can come in now— hey Ellie.” The nurse– Bridgette– smiles sweetly at Ellie. She, you and Bridgette walk into Nora’s room. You just start to cry harder seeing lil Nora in a big hospital bed, asleep with an oxygen mask on. It’s jarring to Ellie, too. She has to avert her gaze as she leads you over to the bed.
“It’s alright, Mom.” Ellie pulls a chair up to Nora’s bed so you can sit down. You do and take her sisters little hand in yours and listens as you sob softly. “S’bad?” Ellie looks at Bridgette.
“Not normally. Sometimes it can be, but we just gotta get her medicine and she’ll be okay.” Ellie does not think that is a straight answer. Bridgett said yes, no and maybe all in one and Ellie didn’t like that. Bridgette must not know the answer herself.
Bridgette leaves and now it’s just you and Ellie. She does not know how to comfort you or make you stop crying. She hugs you from the back and whispers into your ear.
“If I ever say I love you more….” She recites the whole thing as you hold her hands to your stomach and cry softly. “I know, MommaBird. I know.” She soothes you and kisses the top of your head. “I’m gonna go home and make you coffee and bring it back here for you. I’ll get your book n’ sweater, too.”
Ellie is so fucking smart. You love coffee and your stupid book. Ellie wears your sweater when your not around because it is soft and smells like you. She loves that it smells like you, that’s why she wears it. She makes you coffee just the way you like— thinks about making you toast but knows you won’t eat it. You don’t eat when you’re sad or stressed out, she knows. Ellie grabs your book and your sweater. It’s still dark out. Ellie doesn’t even know what time it is.
“Here you go.” She hands you the coffee cup carefully and then sets your book and sweater down on Nora’s bed. You finally stopped crying. Ellie is so thankful. She hates when you cry.
“Thanks, Squeak.” You’re the one squeaking. Your voice barely comes out. Ellie pangs for you. She sits down in a chair next to yours. She wants to talk but she is nervous and doesn’t want you to know she is nervous. If she is nervous then you’ll get nervous, she thinks.
“What’s your book about?” She tries to distract you even though she doesn’t care about your book.
“Some old man who can see little doctors. He can’t sleep and starts to see them at night. They cut the soul lines up to heaven.” She whispers sadly and now Ellie is fuckin’ pissed she asked! She didn’t even really want to know!
“Is it good?” She carries on anyway. You nod.
“His wife dies. S’why he can’t sleep anymore… but he ends up finding a real good friend.. Maybe even a new wife. I dunno. I haven’t finished.” You look over at her and smile softly for the first time since she saw you back at the house last night before bed. “S’kinda scary. The dad from the book kinda reminds me my dad.” You admit to her and now she might wanna read it.
Ellie wants to ask you what it feels like to almost die. She doesn’t know why she wants to do that right now because that question has literally never popped into her head before. It’s frightening.
“Wh– what did it feel like in the car on the way back here… from the hospital? Do you remember?” She shields you from the harshness of her question. You pinch your brow together softly and think for a moment.
“In the car? Shit. It felt like I was floating.” You smirk. “I could hear you n’ Joel talking I think. It didn’t sound like you were in the car with me. It sounded like you were out in space calling down to me.” You flash your eyes back to Ellie’s from the floor. “S’cold.” You add. “But… I dunno. I don’t really remember. I have dreams like that though. Hearin’ you n’ dad talking. Floating.” You nod at her.
“Same way after you had her?” Ellie nods down to her sister asleep in the bed. You shake your head.
“I didn’t remember at first, when I woke up.” You look down to Nora now and sigh. “I remember. It was hot out. I was so sweaty that night. So sweaty. It was so sticky n’ humid. I remember that once she was out n’ all the pain was gone… I felt colder than I had ever felt before. Like I was frozen. N’ I remember all of it. Lookin’ up at Tommy while he put her on my chest. I told him I didn’t feel good.” You murmur.
“What did it feel like? Throwing up?” Ellie is captivated.
“No. Like I had nothin’ inside me. Never did and never would.” You whisper to her quickly. “Weak. So tired. Mouth was real dry. I was scared.” You lean back in your chair now and look at Ellie. “Why you wanna know, Squeak?” You sound curious now.
“Just wonderin’.” She is. Wondering what all those people she know who died felt like before they passed. She had never met someone who had come so close to dying. You did it twice n’ fell off a water tower! “Was it scary when you fell?” Ellie smirks at you now.
“Hell yeah it was. Scary as fuck.” You whisper with a smirk. “I almost pissed my pants.” You take a sip of your coffee and close your eyes. “S’perfect, Ellie. Thank you, so much.” You blow her a kiss and this makes her smile. She loves getting praised by you. She’ll never tell you but, she likes hearing you say she did a good job.
Notes:
^ the lil liquor on his lip...🥲 I'm gonna die.
bonus points and all my love if you know what Book birdie is reading by her description! it's my all time favorite book-- by the way. not that it helps you figure it out
Seriously. I say this every time, but I mean it. I love you all so so so so so much. The long comments wanting to talk about and dissect chapters-- discuss the the writing itself... you all are so incredible. I've mentioned before I'm on my own healing and mental health recovery journey and being able to connect with you all over something that's given me motivation and a feeling of passion again is indescribable. I'll always answer your comments and give you as many answers and discuss with you until I start spoiling things or I start sounding crazy for being so committed to these fake people X'D.
Chapter 31: Armor of Goddamn
Summary:
Joel is on the move and leaning things he wish he didn't have to know.
Nora's condition changes and you get two unexpected visitors.
Notes:
TW for sad baby stuff. Guns n' shootin' and blood.
armor of goddman- kublai kahn tx
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Joel would think he was having a heart attack if he hadn't gotten these pains in his chest before today! Absolutely. There was no doubt in his mind. It's that pain and tightness in his chest he used to get when things with Ellie first started. FUCK. He hadn’t had one of those fucking things in forever. Almost fucking forgot about it. Shit. Shit. Shit. He needed a calm, clear mind for this trip. Maybe you were right and he shouldn’t be going. He needs to though. He needs to make sure no one fucks anything up. Joel would go on a firing squad rampage and line up every single person that went on that scouting mission and didn’t bring the medicine back- and completely open up on them with no regrets.
If it was Joel… he only had himself to blame and only one person would get hurt. Simple. Still no regrets.
The four men are already four hours into their trip on horseback. The horses will shave at least a couple hours off his time. He thinks... Probably twelve or thirteen hours to get there on foot… maybe nine by horse? He could be back within twenty four hours. Nora could come home in seventy-two hours. Perfect. Joel had no idea. He was going off of what Ken and Gary had told him about the travel times but they had been scouting lazily. They were going to move quickly once the sun came up and could see better, so fucking dark out still. Shit. There was barely any moon left to give him light to see.
“Hey, you okay?” Ken whispers to Joel. Joel nods silently and Ken just gives him a sad look. He loves Ken, cares for him like family but Joel doesn’t need looks like that right now. He wanted to bring Tommy and the one doctor who needed to come but Tommy and Joel can’t leave the colony together. He needed two men in place of Tommy. Normally it’d be Lucas. Lucas has a teenager at home and a pregnant wife. Doesn’t need stress. Lucas would have come… but with Connie being pregnant with Dina.. Joel would have felt bad.
“Sorry. Fine. Just thinkin’.” Joel whispers back to Ken, feeling bad for bringing him out here to be silent to him. “Thanks for bein’ ready on such short notice.” Joel offers his appreciation.
“For your family? Of course. Your Bird n’ your girls are just tryin’ to live a normal life. I’ll help as much as I can.” Ken extends his hand to Joel, which he’s never done to him before. Ken’s kind of a weird guy. Ex-military… a little on edge sometimes but, Joel never cared. Trusted Ken with his and Bird’s lives. Joel shakes his hand firmly and nods at Ken once.
“I appreciate that. Nora’s just a baby, it’d kill me if an—” Joel starts but Ken holds his hand to Joel’s shoulder. He does not like this, it makes his stomach drop into his ass because he knows that Ken is about to say something he doesn't want to hear. Not now while he's on the back of this horse. Not ever, he doesn't think.
“My wife was eight and a half months pregnant the night of the outbreak. I lost two people that night. You don’t have to explain it to me, man. I get it.” Ken says with a calm voice. Joel wants to throw up. He was right, he didn't want to know that. It's hard to think about and makes his head feel fuzzy. Joel could lose another fucking kid? Are you kidding? And he just left?? Left his perfect wife who literally did not want him to go and made perfectly good reasoning as to why he should stay.
Fuck.
A small, soft whistle from three feet behind them has them stopping on the horses and listening. Footsteps. Lots of them. Clicking. Far off in the distance but still close enough to hear and Joel does not like that. It just makes everything so much worse. So much worse. The horses couldn't run anymore. Joel had pushed them as hard and as far as they could go for as long as they would allow him to but now they needed to rest and walk and regain their strength.
Fuck.
Joel gives Gary a hand signal that says come here but be fuckin' quiet. Once all the men are gathered closely Joel gives them their instructions.
“Ken n’ Gary both been to Moran or the surrounding area. I’ll stick with Ken. You–” He's whispering as he points to the doctor named Jason. “...stay with Gary. If we get split up, those are the pairs. We don’t stop until we get to that hospital. We will regroup if we have to there. Moran Memorial Hospital is the name of it, right?” Joel looks to Jason for confirmation and he gets it with a silent head nod. Joel doesn't mind Jason. Was the doctor that worked on his Birdie both times she was up there. Saved her life so he had faith that he could save Nora if they could get the medicine back. That's all they needed to do was get that medicine and everything would be fine.
"No guns until it’s no longer avoidable. We’ll move around the infected unless it takes us to far out of the way. Then we’ll blast 'em t'shit. You wait until they’re on top of you or I give you a signal. Let’s go.” Joel says this and knows that if you were here on his horse behind him, you’d be whispering how hot that was how badly you wanted him inside you. He smirks at the thought of you and wishes so badly that you and Nora and Ellie are doing okay.
The group of infected isn’t nearly as big as Joel feared. He was thinking horde. FUBAR. Fucked up beyond all repair. But no. Joel could take out this group with his hunting rifle and his knife if he needed to. Joel is so mad he wasn’t able to show off how good he was at killing infected around you. He would have gotten you pregnant so much sooner! He knows it! You would have started at him in awe at what Joel could do. There hadn't been nearly as many infected to deal with once they left Jackson. He's pissed about it! Wishes so badly you could have seen him in action because it would have made your panties wet. He knows it. If you had been with him back in Boston you would have been knocked up before they got to Pittsburgh! He knows! You were just alone in the woods waiting for him, apparently. Sonofabitch.
Joel wonders what will happen if he can’t get you pregnant. He wants a boy. So badly. He loves his girls so much and would never be upset if he got another, he’d be blessed. Joel wants a boy, wants to give you a son that loves you as much as Tommy and him loved his mom.
She died when they were teenagers. Joel wants his son to grow up really knowing his mom. Wants his son to have his mothers love. Joel wonders if he would be such a hard-ass if he had his mom around. Tommy seemed alright, so what was Joel’s problem? Why was Joel angry all the time. Joel was a good kid to his mom, but wanted to be out of the house so quickly. Wanted freedom and women. Weed and booze and for his parents to not be able to say he couldn't. So he left at seventeen. Joel missed out on a lot of good times with his mom because he just wanted to grow up. He loved her, but, just didn't appreciate the time he had with her. Regrets it everyday.
“Pst.” Ken pulls Joel out of his hour long thought-party.
“Sup?” Joel looks over at Ken with tired eyes. They’ve passed the infected and now it’s just open road for a couple more hours.
"Remember the other night at the bar? You n' Bird left kinda early?" Ken asks softly. Joel nods and eyes him curiously.
“Why?” Joel’s eyes are no longer tired.
“I been debating on tellin’ you this. Didn’t know if you’d care... or, maybe if you'd wanna know this information. I was goin' to tell you that night but you left, n' I haven't really seen you since. I also don't know if this really has anything to do with you... but I'm not dumb. I can read between the line." Ken nods as though Joel maybe thought that but he didn't! Joel respected the fuck out of Ken. Didn't tell him often, Joel doesn't tell anyone that...execpt you. Maybe Don. Ellie. No one else. Not even really Tommy. " Met this young girl said her dad n' sister were killed by a man n' woman. Didn't know their names r' anything, but said that they kidnapped a girl right out of a hospital down there… traveled up here to Wyoming but didn’t know where.” Ken explains this without taking his eyes off Joel’s.
“Okay.” Joel nods, trying to look confused but he thinks he looks more nervous.
“Not everyone here knows you. Know’s where ya went when you left or where you came from when you got back.” Ken whispers gently. “I do. I dunno what y'all did when you got there…but I know where you were.”
“Okay.”
“S’young girl seemed real angry. Said she wanted these people to pay for what they did… what they took away from not just her…but the whole world.” Ken sighs loudly. “I did tell them we didn’t have anyone like that in our colony. She said she would find out eventually…for herself.” Ken nodded again.
“Why are you just tellin’ me this? Not that it matters.” Joel gets defensive.
"No accusations. No judgments. Just lookin' out for you s'all. You're a good guy. Know you're not a bad man. Doin' things out here to survive n' all. We all do. Just tellin' you what I heard out there. Nothin' more. Not gonna tell anyone else about this, just you." Ken takes the lead and lets Joel fall back a couple feet in the formation they have set up.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Joel and the three other men gallop the rest of the way to the Moran Memorial Hospital.
Last night Nora stopped breathing on her own. The doctors tried to explain why that happened but you only could hear circus music inside your head as Doctor Miles spoke to your sobbing face. They let you stay the entire time they resuscitated her. It was the most horrifying thing you've ever seen. It's like it didn't really happen. You've been alone in this hospital room since then. No visitors inside. Only talking through the small glass window in the door of Nora's hospital room. Bridgette was here, checking Nora's vitals. Her heart beat was so slow and so weak. You think your heart is beating the same way.
"I'm sorry that I have to stay here again tonig--" You weep to Ellie softly through the glass window.
"Mom, don't be sorry. I'm fine. I know why I can't go to Maria's. Don't be sorry. You should be here." Ellie is desperately pleading with you to stop apologizing. "Can I sleep in your room again if Dad isn't back before I go home?" She asks softly. You nod.
"Yeah, Yeah, sleep on the big bed. Make it stinky, like you." You whimper quietly trying to make a joke but it's just weeps and sounds sad. Everything inside of you just feels like slugs. Big wet ones. Crawling around on the inside of your skin. Slimy and fucking sticky. Gross. You feel gross and slimy. The slugs are the only thing inside you now. They've taken the place of your heart and stomach. Your liver. Someone salt you. You want to shrivel up and die.
"Mom, Patti is here." Ellie whispers to you. You open your eyes with your forehead pressed to the glass. Patti's nice shoes are next to Ellie's. You flick your eyes up to hers and she looks kind and sweet...sorry for you. It makes you sob harder.
“I’m so sorry, Bird. I am. This is never easy.” She speaks calmly and comfortingly and she does help you feel a little better, even though her words are from the devil himself. “Do you just want some company? I can sit outside the door with you. Just… be here for you?” She asks. You nod silently.
Ellie runs and grabs a chair for Patti in a different room.
“Where are you staying tonight?” Patti whispers as she grabs Ellie’s wrist gently before she can run off.
“Home?” Ellie looks at her funny, like the therapist should already know this. "Was there last night alone." Ellie shrugs one shoulder like it's no big deal.
“Go pack a bag and come back here. You can stay at my house until your dad gets back. I have a DVD player… and movies.” Patti flicks her eyes up at Ellie.
“Shit, okay!” Ellie is running down the hall to go home and grab her things.
“Thank you, Patti. I normally would have her go to Maria’s but with Tomas not being vaccinated, I didn’t want to risk it.” You weep quietly. “What if something happens to Nora?” You sob softly. “What if something happens and Joel isn’t here? Again?” You try so hard to keep your tears controlled and your breathing steady but you feel like you did on the floor of her foyer that one morning. Panicked and hopeless.
“There are no words to comfort you right now, Sweetheart. I’m sorry. I just came to be strong for you. Give you some support in this tough time. I know this is very scary. You just have to not let yourself get too far gone before you know what the outcome of all this is going to be.” Patti tries to comfort. You are dead inside.
“She’s not breathing on her own anymore.” You breathe the words against the glass. “She went into respiratory failure earlier. S’why I can’t leave.” You murmur. Patti gasps softly. “I dunno what I’ll do… she’s the only one I got to make. Couldn’t even keep her in long e-e-enough.” You sob again and Patti stands and presses her forehead against yours through the glass. You can feel her hopelessness through the door. It's like radiation. Hopelessness. Turns your soul black and decays it. Decays everything it touches too.
“Do you want me to pray for you and your family now? I’ll do it silently, but we can be together for it.” She whispers. You nod silently.
The two of you stand there together in silence for five minutes. While she prays to God, you make a deal with the devil. You tell him that as long as your baby makes it he can have you. Take you down there and you’ll sit on his lap and let him spit in your mouth. You don’t care. You’ll be the devil's wife, it means your baby would be okay. You do. You make this fake deal in your head because how could this happen to your baby– your family, if God exists? Regardless of how many times you stayed alive. You wonder if it was God even keeping you alive or if it was the devil waiting for a moment like this. Knew you'd succumb eventually to his flirting. Now he could have you. Willfully. You'd go to him now if it meant she'd grow up and be healthy...
The Devil can work in mysterious ways too, right? Save people until their time comes? Time to make a deal? You don’t know! You’re not religious. You think the devil is a red man with a pointy tail and horns. That is a cartoon! A false! This is all really happening right now and you cannot believe that you watched your daughter almost die earlier. It’s not really something you think you saw.
You’ll push that memory right out of there too.
Where is Joel!?
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Shit. Fuck.
Joel is stuck in a room with fucking Jason. God dammit. Ken checked the upper floors, Joel checked the second and ground floor but no one ever thought to check the basement. Things seemed fishy when they walked in. It wasn’t like the place was deserted like Jason had said. It had also taken them a whole day longer to get here because they completely bypassed it the first time. Had to backtrack a full six hours. Then one of the horses broke it’s fucking god damn leg. Now there were raiders in the building. Checking every room because Jason fell when he was getting the bag of medicine out of the ceiling.
It’s fine.
Joel’s fine.
No the fuck he is not. Joel is pretty sure he is having a panic attack while Jason stares at him stupidly. They have the bag of medicine. Joel has his rifle pressed tightly to his cheek if he needs to use it.
“You stay behind me at all times. We get outside… you fuckin’ run. Zig zag all the way to the woods where th’horses are,” Joel whispers it so quietly. He can hear the raiders in the hallway. He doesn’t know how many there are or what kind of weapons they have. He’s about to open fire on whoever opens the door to the room he is in. Blast his way out and walk backwards blasting until him and Jason can get outside.
Then he doesn’t really know.
Gary and Ken are nowhere to be found. No guns have gone off though. That’s a good thing. Joel knows guns mean dead people and not always the right people end up dead! There are only two sets of footsteps leading to the office door they had hidden behind when they heard the raiders shouting and running down the hall.
Joel looks at Jason and presses his finger to his own mouth telling him to be quiet, even though the doctor has made no noise at all. Not since they got in here. Okay.
Joel raises his rifle, aims where a man's head would be when the door opens and waits as the knob turns. Joel’s balls creep back up inside of him when the door opens and a rifle is pointed right back at him. Black– two shots. Pop. Pop. Quick in rapid succession in two spots. His throat then between his eyes. That raider goes down and then there is one more in his place and Joel has two seconds to aim at his throat and pull the trigger.
Pop.
Pop.
Fuck! Searing hot pain in Joel’s shoulder. Not shot. Grazed. Maybe more than grazed. He doesn’t know. He was the second to shoot but his shot counted. Joel moves from behind the desk he was standing behind and nods for Jason to follow him. Joel peeks out from around the door frame.
Pop. Pop. Pop.
Joel is back inside the office before he can take a bullet to the forehead. Joel will never get used to the sound of bullets whizzing past his head. Never. In the pause of the gunfire– Joel listens for footsteps but hears none– knows that whoever shot at him is waiting for him to leave this room.
“Yer’gonna run right across the hall into the room right there.” Joel doesn’t turn to talk to Jason, he just just motions with his flat, straight left hand across the hall. A slow chopping motion. “S’fast as you fuckin’ can.” Joel growls. “Go on three.” Joel readies himself to give Jason cover fire and also give away the raiders position so Joel can kill him.
“Jesus Christ. Okay. I’m ready.” Jason confirms for Joel. The older man with the rifle pressed to his cheek hears the doctors feet dig into the floor, readying himself to run.
Joel gives Jason a second and then starts to count.
“One….” Joel whispers and puts himself at the most left hand side of the door and holds the rifle steady. He sees Jason hunch over to run under the barrel of the gun and out into the hallway. He’s clutching the precious bag of medicine for his daughter against his chest. “Two…” Joel is shaking as he steadies his breath. This is what Joel is good at. Shooting. Staying alive. His cocksuckin’ shoulder hurt like a bitch but… not as bad as getting stabbed. Okay. Joel takes one deep breath; Jason gives him a look out of the side of his eye and nods. “Three.”
Jason takes off out into the hallway. He is met with endless pops that follow him across the corridor as he runs. Joel takes a small step out into the hallway, aims where the bullets are firing from, aims two more inches two the right and fires.
Pop. Pop.
Two, rapid succession again. Throat and the bridge of his nose because he had a helmet on. Down. There is no more gunfire as Joel steps back into the hallway and looks at Jason who was waiting for him in the doorway of the opposing office.
“Dunno where the other two are. Dunno how many raiders. Can’t fuckin’ wait for the other two.” Joel whispers.
“We need to get this medicine to Nora. She’s probably not doing well right now, Joel.” Jason whispers back to him with sad eyes. They have not spoken of Nora since the medical center back in the colony. Joel has been too nervous to ask. The father wishes Jason had never said anything at all because he knew.
“Okay. We’re on th’second floor. Need to get to th’ground floor. Front door is down them stairs n’ to the….” Fuck… was it a left or a right? This mattered. It really did. One wrong move down there could lead him into a band of raiders. Fuck. He should have stayed home with you and Nora. He’ll never forgive himself if something happens and he isn’t there for a second time. Fuck Left or right? Right or left?
“I don’t know?” Jason sounds nervous, like Joel had been asking him for directions and he was a tourist himself.
“Thinkin’ outloud, Doc.” Joel grumbles as he rubs his temple with his middle and ring finger. His two thickest and longest fingers… just for you. Fuck. Okay. Joel needs to focus and think about nothing but getting outside. Left or right? Fuck. Okay. Breathe. Joel has that panicked feeling in his chest. Tight. Pressure. Constricting like something was fucking wrapping him up and squeezing the air out of him.
“You okay?” Jason sounds worried for the man who is supposed to get him out of this hospital alive and back to Jackson to save a sick kid.
“Yup.” Joel keeps his eyes closed and is having to really focus on what the fuck he is doing out here. Guns. Aim. Shoot. Stay alive. Simple. That’s all Joel knows. He is a killing machine. The one who got asked to escort Ellie across the country…’cause he’s good at keeping people alive. Good at staying alive. Okay. Fuck. “We go left out this door. Down th’stairs at th’end of th’hall. Down to th’ground floor n’ then you take a right. N’fuckin’ run. S’fast as you can, Doc.” Joel pokes his head out of the door and waits for two seconds.
No pops.
Joel dips out of the door and keeps his body pressed closed to the wall as Jason follows close behind, mirroring everything Joel does. Joel checks rooms as they pass open door ways. No Ken or Gary. There are no more raiders on this floor but as soon as Joel opens the door to the stairwell he can hear them above him; heavy footsteps and they’re moving fast. As him and Jason take off down the stairs, another door opens two floors above them and now so many more boots are on the stairs, coming down behind them quickly.
“Faster.” Joel take the steps down two at a time and Jason is close behind. Joel was correct. Down the stairs and to the right. Front doors and just beyond those… the same distance Joel had to run to get to the water tower. Shit. They had walked in before, not ran. And they were down a horse now too. Joel would ride with Jason. Easier to protect and almost not chance of them getting separated.
The doors to the outside open easily but Joel is quickly met with more gunfire from the roof but it stops as fast as it started.
“Run! We’ll cover you n’ meet up with you soon! Fuckin’ run!” Joel need not know who is on the roof yelling to him. They are telling him to run so he does. He takes off quickly with more speed than he did running to the water tower because you are not on his back. He almost slipped a fuckin’ disc doing that.
Joel is running. Zigging and zagging and the raiders pour out of the building behind them. They are firing at Joel and Jason. Ken and Gary have positioned themselves either on the roof or in one of the windows or a higher floor. Again, Joel didn’t look but he knows that the gunfire isn’t all being aimed at him. He’s still close enough that he can hear when the bullets enter the raiders in front of the hospital doors. Joel cannot worry about how Gary and Ken are going to get out of there.
Nora. Nora needs her dad. Need’s this medicine.
Ken and Gary know this. He thinks that's why they split off and positioned themselves where they did.
Jason is fast as hell! Running faster than Joel, but that doesn’t surprise him…hes gotten a little slower since the outbreak started…maybe put on a couple pounds since he’s been in Jackson. Fuck. He cannot breath. Smoking too much too. Joel has been living like he does not need to be in shape and able to breathe or run fast. Shit. No more late night jam n’ cheese dates with you after your nightly activities.
The horses are still there. Joel keeps his word and jumps on one and pulls Jason up behind him. He leaves the other two horses for his friends in hopes they can get out of that hospital.
“Is she going to be okay?” You haven’t stopped crying. It feels like your face is melting off. You want to crawl into bed with your baby, but she is so weak. The nurses are checking her vitals and her heart rate. It’s so slow. You’re not sure what they’re going to do for her. If she’s going to get better or not.
“We’re just waitin’ on the medicine, Bird. Joel will come back. I can feel it in m’bones.” Bridgette sounds like she’s smiling but you can’t tell. She has a surgical mask on. Everyone is being so cautious around her; you appreciate it but it’s scaring the shit out of you. “She’s not any worse than she was yesterday. Still stable. That’s a good sign, Bird. It is. She’s a fighter.”
You know she is trying to comfort you. Make you feel good about the fact that your only biological child might die. Bridgette does nothing for the pain in your heart. She leaves and you watch Nora’s little chest rise and fall with the help of a breathing machine. You’d seen some awful things in your life but this was one of them.
Someone is clearing their throat at the door to Nora’s room. When you turn, it’s someone you…know… but you don’t really know them. Never spoken to them before.
“Don?” You murmur softly. He gives you a warm smile and gentle eyes from behind his rimless glasses.
“Patti informed me of what was going on. I haven’t seen your husband in a few days. I was getting worried about him. Now, I’m worried about you.” Don’s gentle eyes never change. His warm smile fades into a straight mouthed line. “I know this is hard, do you need someone to talk to? About the fears you might have right now?”
You do not know why but you nod your head as tears fall from your eyes. The glass of the window is cold and feels nice against your stressed, sweaty forehead.
“I’m afraid she’s going…” You whine the last word out because it’s just too hard to say without it feeling like someone is throttling the word out of your lungs with a vice grip. “She-she might… d-d-die.” You sob quietly. Don makes comforting sounds of quiet and peace.
“Shhhhh, it’s okay. It’s normal to be scared of that. Very normal. Did the doctors say that?” Don asks quietly as he leans against the door frame.
“She’s on a breathing machine. Hasn’t had antibiotics. Don’t want to give her just the one round. She needs a lot– I don’t know. I don’t know. I can’t remember. I can’t think.” You weep softly. Don nods and crosses his arms over his chest.
“It’s hard to see your child like that. You are so strong for being by her side throughout all of this. I’m proud of you. This is difficult— the most difficult thing a mother can go through. You’re doing it. Gracefully–even if you may not feel graceful right now.” Don comforts you and soothes you with his very kind words. “I mean it. You’re so brave to do this.”
“I don’t feel brave.” You sigh softly. You leave a cloud of condensation on the glass. “I feel like a failure. A coward. I could have gone and gotten the medicine.” You suggest with tight shoulders and tears in your eyes because you know that’s not true. You are not a navigator. That’s why you stayed out in the woods in one spot all those years after your dad died. You didn’t know where you were going!
“Of course you think those things. What parent wouldn’t? You’re feelings are normal. You are not a failure. Not a coward.” Don is slightly firm with his words. “When is Joel due back with her medicine?” He sounds cautious to ask.
“Yesterday… the night before yesterday.” You murmur. “I dunno. I dunno where he is…” You try and make another deal with the devil to take all your tears away but they come. Hot and fast. “What if something happened to him?” You weep. Don doesn’t say anything and when you open your eyes he’s looking down the hallway with a small smile on his face. You know, you can feel his presence before you see him. His heavy boots on the tile floor. His deep voice bellowing your name.
The doctor rushes past your room with a bag in his hand and you watch him in distress.
“No! Come back!” You cry out for him with your hands banging on the window of the door. Don turns to you as Joel appears in the glass window. Joel is dirty, has blood on his face and a cut above his right eyebrow. His eyes are locked right on to yours before you even really take him in. He looks panicked and scared.
Joel tries the doorknob but it’s locked. He pinches his brow, flicks his eyes down to the doorknob and then back to yours and scowls. Angrily. You take one step back from the door and Joel's eyes flash for one second.. you see the anger birthed into his hearth at that moment and fear grips your heart. Don sees you-- not Joel-- and tries to comfort you that the doctor is coming to help. No reason to fear. He doesn't see what you see though.
“Bird, he’s just going to wash up, scrub up and then he’ll come take care of Nora.” Don tries to explain but your eyes are glued onto Joel’s angry ones. You feared this moment of having to explain that he couldn't come in.
“Lemme in.” He demands it but you know that you can’t. Doctor Miles’ orders. Said he would be the one to work with Nora once they got the medicine. Avoid all contact with people who went outside the wall.
“I can’t.” You whisper up to him. He narrows his eyes on you and jiggles the door rapidly trying to open it. You want to say more, explain yourself but all your words are cut off in your throat.
“Let me in.” Joel growls lowly. “You that mad I left? Huh? Lockin’ me th’fuck out?” Joel hisses. Don puts his hand on one of Joel’s shoulders but he shrugs it off.
Don turns his back to the door. He says something you cannot hear, but that Joel listens to, processes it and then his eyes soften.
“Jason didn’t say I wouldn’t be able to come in here.” Joel presses his forehead to the glass and drops the handle. “Never said that.” He sounds defeated. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Bird. I didn’t mean it. I just got angry n’ scared.” Joel’s eyes move past you and to Nora in the bed with an entire tube down her throat like you had once. “Why she got that on? Th’fuck happened?”
“She stopped breathing.” You sob as you rest yourself against the door again. “She’s been like this since two days ago.” You feel like the shell of a person you met once. Didn't even know them well. Passed them by a couple times. You feel like a distant, lost memory.
“You can’t come out here? You can’t come hug me r’nothing?” Joel sounds like he could cry. "I been missin' you. Needin' you. I know you been needin' me. Bird, come out here." Joel is whispering through the glass desperately.
“Not if I wanna come back in here. She's too sick.” You weep. “I wanna stay in here with her Joel, I don—” Joel holds his hand up to the door and gives you gentle eyes. Soft, brown eyes that say’s he’s sorry. Really. He’s hurting himself and hurting for you.
“I know. I know. Don’t come out here. We got the medicine. All of it.” Joel smiles at you but there is no happiness behind it. Your eyes scan his face and all across him and you see blood. Lots of blood.
“You’re bleedin— what happened!? Are you okay?” Now your whole body is pressed to the door trying to see why he is wounded.
“Fine. Just a graze. Prolly need a couple of stitches.” Joel presses himself against the door gently in an attempt to be close to you. “It’s gonna be okay, babygirl. I know it. I have faith in our family.” He whispers to you.
“I made a deal with the Devil.” You whisper back to him.
Three days later Nora is off the breathing machine. Still quarantined and so are you. Joel is home with Ellie at night and then has been up at the medical center with you. Both of them have been. Nora is still asleep, but doing better. Still weak. Needs more medicine and fluids.
This is the first day you've smiled since Nora went into the medical center. Good, real smiles.
“I used to have a fear of hurdles…” Ellie pauses and looks at Joel who is sitting across from her and you, who is still sitting behind the glass window to her left. “But I got over it.” Ellie waits for your guys’ response.
You and Joel blow raspberries at the same time.
“Lame.” You tease her.
“One out ten, you kiddin’?” Joel smirks and gives you a look from the corner of his eye.
“Yeah, I knew it was bad.” She snorts and flips through her book of puns. “Oh! Okay. I decided to host a part in space…” She gives you and Joel a goofy smile and hesitates. You and Joel wait in apprehension. “Now I just have to planet.” Ellie laughs at that one slightly and so does Joel. A small chuckle.
“Okay. That one was actually kind of good, but I think it was just your delivery.” You smile at her. “Goofy smile n’ everything.” She smirks back at you and closes her book.
“Think I can talk to mom alone for a minute?” Joel asks, leaning forward in his chair. She nods and tosses her book back into her bag. “Thanks. Don’t go t’far.” Joel calls out to her as she drags her book bag down the hallway. He turns his chair so he can face you.
“What’s wrong?” The smile has left your face and now there is fear in your heart. He sighs loudly.
“I didn’t wanna tell you ‘bout all this until we knew Nora was gonna be okay. Doctors said she’ll be fine. Come home in a couple of days.” Joel nods because you know she’s going to be okay. They told you this morning. “Ken ran into a couple people… out beyond the wall when he was on his last scouting mission.” Joel pauses for a long time as his eyes scan your face slowly. “Young couple… looking for a trio. Older man— middle aged with a woman. Kidnapped a kid out of a hospital in Salt Lake.” Joel whispers it so quietly you can barely hear him through the glass.
“What?” You’re stunned and shocked and feel like your stomach might fall out of your asshole.
“The girl said that her dad n’ sisters were murdered– by th’man n’ woman.” Joel sighs out a deep breath and rests his head on the door. “Ken told ‘em no one here that fits that description… but I dunno. You should know. Ellie needs to know.” Joel is still scanning your face, looking for a response from you because you are just staring at him.
“What?” You have no new words.
“I know. We’re safe though. Ken said it was just th’two. N’ we got this big wall. No one gets let in. You know this.” Joel reassures you but not really. People out there looking for you? The wall got blown up last time.
“Where is Ken?” You ask now, curious because you’d like to talk to him. Joel just shakes his head from side to side slowly.
“He didn’t come back?” You snap up to him. He is still shaking his head.
“I had to get Jason outta there, get the medicine back here for Worm.” Joel’s eyes are sad. “He’s the reason we got out alive, honestly.” Joel murmurs.
“Shit.” You whisper to yourself, mostly. That’s sad. You liked Ken a lot. So much. He was a good man who respected you and was nice to you. This makes your heart pang. A new sound makes your heart flutter and Joel is standing on the other side of the door.
Nora is crying. A wet, croupy coughy, cry. But she’s crying.
Doctor Miles and nurse Bridgette are beside her bed almost as quickly as you are; testing her vitals.
Nora is in your arms two hours later, looking up at you with wet, sick eyes. She still is so tired and weak. Has to stay in the medical center for at least another two or three days. Antibiotics are working and now Joel can be in the room with you too. Ellie is having another movie night with Patti so Joel can stay with you for the first time since he's been back. He's watching you as you look down at the baby you almost lost for a second time. You can feel his eyes on you but you love it.
“You’re real brave, Birdie.” Joel whispers. The lights in the room are off, the only real light is coming from Nora’s heart rate monitors screen. It beeps softly every couple of seconds.
“I never feel brave. I’m always scared.” You smirk at him through a whisper. “Crybabyin’.” You look down at the perfect child in your arms. “I love you, sweet girl. Lucky you're still here with us. Dad is so brave getting you medicine. We love you so much, Wormy-girl.” You whisper down to her as she looks up at you. Doesn’t move, doesn’t giggle. Just looks with her sick, teary eyes. Breathing slowly and she still sounds like she has fluid in them. Rattling as she wheezes.
“You are. Thinkin’ ‘bout it jus’ now. Went into that city lookin’ fer’medicine for me. Saved Ellie from that compound.” He is grinning but looking at the pocket knife he’s twisting around between his fingers now. You watch, mesmerized. “Punched Marlene right in th'face. Helped me save Ellie…again. Delivered our girl almost all alone… saved our girls when the raid happened. Came n’ found me.” Joel sighs and frowns. “Did this all alone. I’m sorry I’m never here when you need me, really need me.”
“It’s okay. It’s not like you were being a bad dad or husband… you were brave too.” You nod to him. “Did most of that stuff not knowin’ if we were okay or not. That’s brave.” You speak affirmations to him even though you were scared. A little mad that he left you. Not terribly upset. Just felt so alone. Like no one else knew what you were going through and the only other person who could understand left. Just abandonded you. So quickly. It felt like you didn't even have time to process that Nora was actually unwell before Joel was out of her room at the medical center. "You did what you needed to do. Brave. Had to be real scary out there not knowing what was going on here." You try and make everything okay in your brain with those words. "S'brave." You nod up to him.
“I know. It’s not ‘bout me bein’ brave r’not. S’bout you.” Joel looks up at you now with serious, brown eyes. “S’bout how you jus’ are a great mom. Don’t even gotta try. Jus’ are. Love our girls. Love me. I’m sorry I can be an ass when I’m… I dunno. I can be an ass. Simple. I’m sorry.” Joel looks sorry. You can hear it in his voice too. You know he didn't mean to be upset about the door. You would have smashed the fucking glass to get to Nora, let's be honest. You would have splintered that door to little slivers like Joel would get in his hand. He didn't do any of that.
“Thank you.” You whisper. Nora’s eyes have closed and now she rasps softly in her sleep. “I know you’re not being an ass to me… because you want to. I know that. Patti told me she gets angry. Used to be mean to her husband. He loved her and was patient because he knew she was trying. I know you’re trying, too. I do.” Joel leans forward and touches his hand to your knee.
“I really am, B. I am. I don’t want them growin’ up thinkin’ I’m an asshole to their mom. I want them to know how much I love you. Set n’ example for them how they should be treated. N’ I’m not doin’ that when I talk to you the way I do.” He whispers and leans in further to kiss you gently. “I’m s’in love with you, Birdie-girl. Dunno how you did it,” He murmurs against your mouth. “Happy you did though.” Joel sits back, still smiling at you.
You love this man with your whole soul. It's back. Your soul and your color. You feel it inside of you but there is fear now. More fear than you ever had before inside of you about your baby. Something bad could really happen to her and there are things in this world you can't protect her from. You can hand her off to Joel or Ellie to keep safe from the infected and raiders. You can kiss away boo-boos and wipe away tears. You couldn't keep her safe from RSV or whooping cough. What would you do if you lost her? Really lost her? She is your only biological child, and even though you love Ellie as if she came from you herself and would feel the same way, you'd never get another chance! You only got this one baby who you pushed from within you. Grew her. Developed every part of her in your belly. Felt her kick you and twirl around in you like a ballerina. Losing her wasn't an option. No. You'd never let her out of your sight ever again. Make sure she never got sick, no one could ever take her if you stayed right by her side.
MommaBird and her Worm.
Notes:
^ he would have gotten you pregnant. So fucking pregnant. I also steal all my gifs from the internet. I appreciate the people who take the time to make them so much.
Chapter 32: Bury the Rose
Summary:
Joel talks to Ellie.
Notes:
Hefty trigger warnings for DV and just bein' shitty. Sorry everyone. I don't condone it. Think it's fuckin' terrible. This is for my story
DISCLAIMER: I take a lot of creative freedom in this story. I'm makin' all this shit up. I do however-- try and find as much information I can about the characters I'm writing from the show because I want them to stay cannon as possible. I also am creating backstories for these people that could potentially make them the way they are now / were before the outbreak. Especially Joel. This is where I'm blind. I'm sorry if this tickles you wrong. I'm just trying to make these people happy n' have a good life...hopefully. We'll see Joel mature as this story continues. I just don't want anyone to get frustrated with him and give up on him. He's had it tough in my version of TLOU, okay? I'm sorry. I love you all so much.
DISCLAIMER: I don't suffer from PTSD or PPD. I've done my research, I know people who have suffered from both (not nearly as extensive as this portrayal) so, I apologize if my depictions of suffering aren't realistic. I did try my best. I don't ever want to come across as insensitive to people who may be suffering or love ones who are suffering from something such as this.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“How is talking to Don going? I know things kinda got put on hold a lil bit when Nora got sick.” Joel asks his oldest daughter in the kitchen a three days later. Everyone is home. You and Nora are on the couch asleep. Joel and Ellie are cleaning and getting things ready for dinner.
“It’s good. Talks to me like I’m not a little kid, tells me the truth about things– I think, don’t think he lies to me.” Ellie shrugs her shoulders. “He likes you n’ mom. Thinks you guys are good parents.” She admits to her dad. Joel’s eyebrows flick up in surprise. He didn’t think Don actually thought that about him, just said it to make him feel better.
“He said that?” Joel tries to not sound to shocked. Ellie nods without a word. “Do you ever talk about what happened on th’road?” Joel is quiet and cautious with this question but it upsets Ellie anyway.
“Why does everyone always wanna fuckin’ talk about it? I don’t get it. We lived it, we move on. So what? I’m tired of it getting brought up. Fuck!” Ellie exclaims quietly so she doesn’t wake up her sister n’ mom.
“Have you moved on?” Joel has a wrinkled brow…but it’s not angry at all. It’s a concern crinkle and soft eyes. He’s trying to make them soft so she will open up to him a little. Ellie looks into the soapy water in the sink for several minutes before she speaks.
“Dunno. Still don’t wanna talk about it.” She goes back to doing dishes and gives Joel a clean one to dry. He takes it from her silently and thinks about what happened when he was unconscious and almost dying in that basement.
“You ever mad at us… for all that?” Joel doesn’t look at her when he says this, in hopes that without his eyes on her she will feel less exposed…more comfortable around him.
“No. You guys kicked ass out there. I’m mad for what you guys did here. Fuck out there. David was a fuckin’ creep. A weirdo kid-fucking creep.” Ellie snaps into the water. Joel’s eyes go wide and he could snap the plate in his hand.
“He… touch–” Ellie cuts him off before he can finish.
“No. Didn’t.” She is so short but now Joel needs to know what the fuck happened in there.
Joel didn’t think anything like this! You two never spoke about it! You never told him what Ellie said to you in front of the RV that day! No! Just that you talked and she needed some time. Went through some through some stuff. Joel had pushed the thought of that happening to Ellie out of his brain. No way. A grown man wouldn’t hurt his Ellie… no. He couldn’t think of it at the moment. Hasn’t been thinking of it because who would do that? Joel can’t understand.
“Ok.” Is all Joel can get out as he almost snaps the plate he’s holding. It’s enraging him that she even had to go through that at all.
“Don’t get all fuckin’ weird. He didn’t do anything.” She turns to face him with a smile now. “I fuckin’ killed him before he got the chance to.” She is smirking something fierce and it’s making Joel’s stomach turn in his stomach but not in a bad way.
“What’d you do to him?” Joel needs to know. Ellie keeps smirking but looks back into the dishwater.
“A crime of passion.” Ellie smiles and hands him another plate. Is she going to kill Joel? Why is she smiling like that and how does she know what that even is?
“Who told you that?” Joel smirks now, to try and make it seem like he isn’t a little terrified now of the the almost sixteen year old he agreed to take in and love and care for as if she was his own… Scared.
“Mom. On the road. She saw what I did to him. She can tell you.” Ellie finishes the last dish in the sink and pulls the plug out of the bottom. “Doesn’t matter. He’s dead and didn’t touch me. I’m fine.” Ellie shrugs her shoulders and wipes the soap suds from her arms. Joel dries the last dish and puts it up in the cupboard.
Doesn’t seem fine to Joel!
“I have t’tell you somethin’. Be real with you like y’want.” Joel leans against the counter and crosses his arms over his chest. Ellie mirrors him and waits for more.
“I dunno how true it is, or if we are really at risk but I’m gonna act like we are fer’awhile. Jus’ keep everyone safe, okay? Remember that.”
“Okay.” Ellie doesn’t let her face change or show any sign of fear or being uncomfortable.
“I think someone’s lookin’ for us… me, yer’mom, n’ you. For what happened in the hospital.” Joel explains. Ellie’s face stays unchanging. “Young girl…your age maybe. Young man- a couple years older n’her.”
“Who told you that?” Ellie raises her eyebrow.
“Someone from the colony ran into them on a scouting mission a week ‘r two ago. I dunno. I found out while I was gone. Been kinda hectic with Nora. Didn’t wanna stress you out more.” Joel explains, hoping that she doesn’t take that as an act of dishonesty. “I would’a told y’sooner. Just waitin’ fer’the right moment. When s’just me n’ you.” Joel nods at her in good nature.
“Okay. So we can’t leave anymore? No one gets in?” Ellie sounds disappointed and Joel doesn’t get it. That’s a good thing…safe.
“I’m thinkin’ not for a lil while. Maybe me n’ you just postpone that trip to the city just a couple more weeks– two r’three. Weather’ll be nicer, too.” Joel suggests. Ellie shrugs her shoulders.
“S’fine. Do you think Momma will be okay if we go together? We haven’t both been gone together since she was born.” Ellie looks out into the living room, checking on you. You must still be there because she turns back to Joel. “Just don’t like leavin’ her alone.” She sighs softly. This makes Joel smirk.
“Do you wanna go with Bird? The two of you instead? I could stay here with Worm…you n’ your mom haven’t done anything just the two of you like that.” Joel doesn’t know why he’s suggesting this. He doesn’t think you wanna go out there again, and he doesn’t want you to leave these walls without him.
“You think she would?” Ellie’s face lights up. Joel has officially fucked himself, because he should have checked with you first. Now he has to go against his own stupid fucking rule…unless he could find someone else to go with you. Three people always. Tommy could go.
“Uncle Tommy go with you guys? Just to be safe?” Joel thinks Ellie likes Tommy…she’s never said anything bad about him. “It’d be a quick trip in the truck.” Joel doesn’t understand why he keeps speaking. He should have asked you before offered your services and time away from your almost one year old you almost lost three days ago.
“I’d love that. We haven’t done anything like that. Not even on the road really, she didn’t let me go into the city with her. Said I needed to stay with you— which was fine!” Ellie hods her hands up and tries to back peddal what she said. “I liked staying with you. I’m glad I did ‘cause I found your medicine.” Ellie makes her eyebrows dance up and down.
How can Joel not chuckle at her?
“I’ll talk to your mom ‘bout it tonight. Don’t bring it up ‘fore then. I mean it.” Joel points to the stove. “Get’ta cookin’. I’ll do the dishes after dinner.” Joel messes her hair playfully as Ellie groans.
Joel goes to the living room, so that he can sit on the chair across from the couch and– not be a creep– watch you sleep. He loves to do that. Loved doin’ it when you were pregnant. Only time you weren’t really yelling at him. You barely slept during your pregnancy though after your first trimester. Up before Joel. Asleep after him. Mad all the time. He fuckin’ loved it.
Love your sassy ass. S’why he married you.
Joel never likes to let his mind wander to far into his childhood. It makes him sad. Wishes he could have seen his father be… more of a man. Wyatt Miller had been a mans man through and through. Hunting, fishing, building. If it could hurt you and make you bleed… Wyatt was doing it. Every day. Built the house him and his family lived in until Joel and Tommy moved out, then Wyatt died eventually and that house was never sold… neither of the brothers ever went there ever again. It sat vacant until the outbreak. Joel thinks it probably fell down by now.
You stir softly in your sleep and snuggle Nora closer into your side as you stretch out but you don’t wake up. Joel’s heart does something. Flutters, grows a lil…he doesn’t know. This is why he watches though. Been doin’ it since the road. Admirin’ you, naturally. No faces or looks. Just you. Peaceful.
Joel’s mom was a beautiful lady and he remembers carrying a picture of her around in his wallet when he still carried on. She died when he was eighteen and Tommy only thirteen. Suddenly of a brain aneurysm. Wyatt was the one who found her and he was just never the same after that. Never remarried. Never moved on.
Never really processed what happened to his wife in her bedroom that day.
It affected him so badly that it started to affect Tommy. Wyatt leaned on his younger son way more than a father should. But Joel was already out of the house-- messing with girls and drinkin' with his friends by that time. Doing his own thing. He didn’t have time for a sad old man who only had the same nine stories on the roster and they were all about his Mom– Aletha. A fiery woman with Cuban descent. Joel loved her so much but only wanted to remember her in the best light– the best memories.
Joel’s dad only ever wanted to talk about the day. Or her funeral. What she wore, how her hair looked. Joel knows. He never forgot. Talked about it enough with his dad, cried, drank, smoked… did his therapy but his dad didn’t. For so many years.
It weighed in their relationship heavily. So heavily that he had a big argument with his dad a week before he died.
Tommy was always there. Never once told Wyatt no for anything. That's how they got so close. Tommy could stand listening to his dad be sad and talk sad about his mom all day n' night.
Joel learned how to love and respect women from his dad. Learned how to work through the pain because Wyatt worked up until a week before he died. Of Lyme disease! A fuckin’ tick killed his dad. That pissed Joel off. Wyatt was never a doctor's kinda guy, never cared for the hospital or anything. So, the Lyme disease just got worse and worse. Eventually worked its way into his heart. Joel doesn't know why his dad never went to figure out why he didn't feel well. He waited until it was too late. Died of Lyme carditis. Tommy had been staying with Joel getting his new contracting business off the ground. They both hold guilt in their heart for what happened. Know they could have done more if they had just been there.
It pissed Joel off that he missed out on a lot of great times with both of his parents- time with his mother because she was dead and he had wanted to go be with women. And now because his dad couldn’t just pull his shit together for his boys. Be there for them when they needed their dad! Their mom had just fucking died. Wyatt couldn’t be strong for them. Joel didn’t understand how because… his two sons were Wyatt’s responsibility now, his boys. Buds. Wyatt didn’t. Couldn’t be the strong man he used to be before Aletha passed. Never was again. Wyatt was a good man... loved his boys and told them every day. But he stopped doing things with them when their mom died and it broke Joel's heart then.
Joel understood now.
If something happened to you he does not know how he could pull himself off your grave to take care of those two perfect girls. He loves them more than he loves you. Cares for them like it is stitched into his make up. He’s just in love with you. He loved his ex-wife when they met. S’why he married her! Joel isn’t just marrying women he doesn’t care about, okay? He’s picky when it comes to that— s’why it hurt when you fought about leaving him or your relationship at all. Scared to lose you because you’re just what he wants. Can’t find another you. More in love than he ever thought he could be.
Love was violently carved into his being before he knew you. Spaces chiseled out in deep, gouging crevices that had been put there by his ex-wife daily with her fucking berating words and her horrible fighting. Then she would apologize and be so sweet to him...take him so deep as an apology. Until it happened again. And again. So many times he wanted to believe her when she said she didn't wanna hurt him. Just got so mad. He didn't even do anything wrong! Just wanted to be in love with the mother of his children and she fucking betrayed him over and over again. Broke him the fuck down. Joel had been so eager to try and fill those deeply gouged crevices with dirt and ash. Poison. Sweat n’ tears. Anything but more love. No. His love for his daughter was enough.
Then Sarah was gone. Now he has nothing. Not one single thing to care about except staying alive which he decided two days into the apocalypse that he didn’t wanna. Denied.
Joel came close to love again. Close. That just added to all the hurt n' the pain. More ash n' more blood packed into his aching, carved out being.
Then Ellie comes along and starts to slowly wash away all that blood ‘n sweat. Just does it-- she needs him and feels safe with him. Reminds him of Sarah. It broke his heart at first and then he slowly started to appreciate the reminder of his first daughter in such a nice light.
You appear with rags and ointment; so carefully cleaning out the ash and mud and poison he had packed in there so tightly. Then you started to pack your own love to push into those crevices he has. Those gouges. You bandaged him right up. Didn’t even know you were doin’ it. Your sweet voice and innocent eyes. Perfect, soft lips. The sweetest fucking pussy he has literally ever tasted and he wonders if it's because he's the only one who has ever been in there. Hated himself for it at first when he found out. Didn't like that he took that from you but now... the thought of it makes him smile.
Nora’s eyes open and for the first time since the night she started crying…she smiles. Gives Joel a nice big– has one lil tooth now grin.
Joel smirks at the baby and drops to the floor silently– hands and knees– and crawls to Nora who is still resting her head on your bicep. She is smiling wide at Joel and her eyes are still red, and wet with sickness but she is smiling and that makes Joel take the first deep breath in a week.
“Missed you, Worm.” Joel whispers to her, kissing her forehead softly. She’s not nearly as warm as she was the night he brought her to the medical center. This makes him sigh softly against her skin. Nora’s small hand comes up and touches Joel’s cheek and she just holds it there against her hand.
Nora did this often, when taking a bottle or being put to sleep. But only to you. She had never done it to Joel. Her little baby fingers rubbed against the skin on his face gently. Joel closed his eyes and just savored this moment.
Nora smacks him as hard as she can with a loud and cracked slap. This jolts you awake and now, Joel, kneeling at the side of the couch startles more. Nora smiles wide as Joel rubs the side of his face in slight annoyance.
“No hitting!” Joel scolds his youngest for the first time. Your eyes widen in horror.
“Don’t yell at her.” You bring Nora's head to your chest, your eyes look Joel up and down like you don’t know who he is. It makes him chuckle.
“Didn’t yell.” Joel didn’t!! He would never yell, no. He spoke firmly to the baby who had just almost slapped him directly in the warm, wet eyeball. He would have yelled if she did that. He needs his eyes otherwise Joel will die out here.
Never would have yelled. He thinks if Nora or Ellie asked him or an eyeball… he’d pluck it out and give it to them. Easily
“Sounded like it.” You sound disappointed in him. He shakes his head at you.
“Yer’just lettin’ her hit you? S’why she thinks s’okay.” Joel leans in and gives you a gentle kiss on the lips. “Gonna nip it in the butt, Bird. Don’t let her hit you anymore, I mean it. Tell her no.” Joel is serious and he’s letting you know with his eyes. You close yours so you don’t have to look at him anymore. He hates when you do this. “Open ‘em. What’re you… fifteen?” Joel sneers at you and your eyes snap open with more horror.
“Such an ass!” You glare at him. “I’ve never told her no. I really don’t think I have. So, not starting now.” You joke but… Joel isn’t sure how much of a joke that is. He sighs and takes the baby out of your arms and Nora squeals and babbles but it still congested.
“Sure am. Don’t let her hit you anymore. I am so serious, Bird.” Joel takes away his country twang and lays on the serious voice. “You’re not spoilin’ her rotten n’ turnin’ her into a brat.” Twang is back because you look sad and he fuckin’ hates when you look sad.
“Okay…” You sound distraught that you have to tell your child she can’t hit you anymore. You’re the funniest person Joel has ever met.
“Oh, she’ll be fine. Her n’ Bug’ll be fightin’ in no time. Smackin’ each other around.” Joel messes Nora’s hair at your protests.
“The curls Joel— ugh, gettin’ ‘em all tangled.” You snap, standing up from the couch now. You try and take Nora from him but he holds her close. “Joel…” You sound annoyed like you didn’t just nap with her for two hours.
“S’my turn. Go do somethin’ else. Christ.” Joel's frustrated with you, been withholding Nora since the hospital and he's been understanding but now he's ticked off. He turns around and carries Nora into the kitchen, but you follow close behind. You don’t normally do this. He turns around to face you again and your arms are outstretched for the baby.
“Joel. C’mon.” You sound even more annoyed and now Joel is annoyed.
“Haven’t let me hold her in three days. Y’serious? She’s my kid too, I can hold her.” Joel’s defensive and holds Nora on the other side of his body and turns so that he’s standing with his body between you and your daughter. Your eyes go wide…wider than he’s ever seen ‘em go.
“Give her to me.” You snap at him angrily. Joel snaps his actual fingers in your face and you jump back in alarm, eyes shocked that he did that to you.
“Snap outta whatever weird fuckin’ shit your in, right now. I can fuckin’ hold her, Bird. She’s not just yours.” Joel is deep with his tone, but quiet as to not startle anyone. You look angry and like you might cry.
“I want her back. Please.” Your voice is trembling and Joel is so confused. You’ve never acted like this before. Ever.
“What’s the matter, why you cryin’ over this? S’dumb. You been attached to her since I was gone. S’my turn. You take a break.” Joel’s eyes never leave yours and he watches as a fire is ignited behind them. It’s a little unsettling.
“Don’t need a break– turns.. Why do you keep saying that? Turn? She’s my baby? She lives here. Y’see her all the time. Can I have her back?” You sound panicked and your eyes are still wide and your whole body is trembling now. Joel can see your chest rising and falling rapidly.
“Ellie!” Joel calls out to the kitchen. Her footsteps grow close behind him but he never takes his eyes off you. Watches as you start for the baby as Joel passes her off to her older sister. Joel has his shoulder against your chest and his arm around your back trying to pull you away from Ellie and Nora and into the living room. You arms were up when he grabbed you, he's got you right across the breasts and your arms start to flail wildly.
"Let me go! Let me go you piece of shit!" You hiss at him angrily. You hit him as hard as you can. You beat him across the back with your closed fist rapidly and scream at him to let you go. Joel doesn’t, keeps pushing you back into the living room. You fight him the entire way. It feels like you're punching the air out of his lungs with each thrash of your arm.
“Upstairs!” Joel calls back into the dining room at Ellie but she is already halfway up there before Joel even says anything.
“Let me fucking go!” You shout at him and hit him again, the same way. Bringing your closed fist down on his back because it’s the only shot you got. Joel’s head is behind yours and your arms are over his shoulder and triceps.
“Bird, relax.” Joel tries to calm you, soothe you with his voice. “It’s okay, Birdie-girl. You’re alright. Nora is alright.” You shout over him the entire time.
“Give her back to me! I wanna see her!” You’re crying. He can’t see your face but he can hear it in your voice. Joel is still pushing you into the living room but you are fighting him. You’re digging your feet into the floor and pushing back into his chest. One of your hands clenches his shirt in your hand and the other find a hold in the crook of his elbow and now you push harder. Joel has to really push back against you. He's pushing his toes into the carpet trying to get you back on the couch but you will not budge. Joel doesn't wanna fucking hurt you! He's just trying to get you to calm the fuck down. He has never, ever seen you like this before.
You’re almost half the size of him and Joel is really fighting with you in his living room right now. What the fuck is wrong with you!?
“Rela—” Joel tries again but you shout at him.
“Shut the fuck up and give me my fuckin' daughter! Cock-suckin’ jackass! Give her to me! Where is she!?" You're screaming so fucking loud, Joel can't believe it. Nora starts to cry upstairs and Joel feels it in your pack and chest. Feels you stiffen and push back harder into him, you actually push him back a couple inches. Joel has to shove you, really-- with force- shove you back towards the couch. You stumble a couple steps but then your legs touch the upholstery, and now you use the couch to push back against with one of your feet. Joel is stunned at what he is witnessing. You're actually fighting him so hard that he's a little scared of you. He shoves you again, jolts you back into the couch but you shove yourself back against him, harder than he thought you could and you scream at him while you do it. "What the fuck is your problem!?” You dig your nails into the soft part of his inner elbow and it makes have to hold back a hiss. Joel resorts to it. He bellows. He does it right in your ear.
“What the fuck is your problem!?! Are you fucking insane?!?” He is loud. It vibrates in his chest when he does it. He hopes it’ll fucking snap you out of whatever weird trance your in. The sound of his loud voice enrages you. Sends you spiraling and your one hand leaves his elbow and now both hands have a grip on his t-shirt. You’re yanking and tugging the shirt up his back and eventually you get it up over his head but he uses his free hand to try and grab at one of your wrists. You punch and slap his hand away from you while still gripping his shirt. Joel cannot really see. His head is still behind yours-- thankfully protected from your barrage of fists and fingernails- but he can really only see the back of you, your feet and the floor. He's bent over to keep his arm around your body and close to his.
Your legs start to kick at his and this is when he finally gets a hold of your wrist and squeezes it tightly. You whine in pain and then scream at him again. You're still holding onto his shirt in both hands.
“I’ll beat the fucking shit out of you!" Your voice sounds to Joel like it could shatter all the windows in this house if you kept it up! You don't. You speak low and deep and it makes his balls curl up tightly to his body, his skin is clammy with sweat from trying to fight you but now he has goosebumps when you speak. "Give her to me. She's mine. I'll keep fucking hitting you. I mean it.” You snarl at him as your finger nails rip into the fabric of his shirt as he tries to pull your hand away. You do not let go. Your fingers are now entangled in the fabric of his shirt and you're scratching his back, ripping his t-shirt and his skin to shreds as best you can. Joel feels when your nails bite into the skin on his back. He knows you're tearing him open.
“We’re goin’ t’Patti’s. Right now.” Joel declares. This makes you fight him worse. Your screaming again and he wishes you would just shut the fuck up. Seriously. You've never, ever screamed or spoken this way and Joel doesn't know who the fuck you are right now. It's terrifying. He doesn't know what else to do, he's lost in the ocean and you are drowning him. Taking him right the fuck to the bottom with you, since that's where you wanna seem to go so fucking badly.
“Do not take me out of this house without Nora. DO NOT!” You bark at him angrily as Joel hunches over and tosses you up on his shoulder. “PUT ME DOWN!” You scream at him, so loud. It huts Joel’s ears and immediately gives him a headache.
“No. You gon’ fight me like this th’whole way? Gonna embarrass yourself? Huh? Fuckin’ crazy.” Joel snaps as you scratch his back wildly while he opens the door. “Fuckin’ crazy bitch, Jesus Christ. Calm down! What the fuck, Birdie.” Joel is so annoyed and so fucking mad at you. He's never been this mad at you the entire time he's known you. Not even when you kissed Jacob Harris. Joel is in pain, too. In so much sharp, stinging pain that he want’s to toss you in the wet grass and run back inside and lock the door on you. Get you the fuck away from him and go tend to his wounds you're giving him. Jesus Christ.
That would do nothing. Make you more mad, he's sure.
“I don’t fucking care what these fucking assholes think of me! They all think I fucked my dad! Did you forget that!!! I didn’t, you cock-sucker cunt!” You laugh at him. “You’re a fucking cunt! A fucking cunt. I hate you, dunno why I married you. Fucking stupid cunt!” You continue to laugh at him as he marches down the street with you kicking your feet out in front of him. Your fists and nails collide and scrape down his back and sides as you attempt to free yourself.
You never stop talking.
“I fucking hate you. I want a fucking divorce and I’m taking the fucking girls, you piece of shit!” You’ve said this at least three times and each time it fucking hurts. He doesn’t think you mean any of this shit, but just hearing those words kills him. Patti is at the door before Joel can knock because Patti heard you coming up the driveway. “Take me home, put me down or I’m going to fucking kill you. I swear to god, I will. Take me back to Nora right now!” You demand this of him but he’s carrying you inside Patti’s
Patti is staring at him with no emotion on her face but Joel thinks that's for the best. He stands in front of the front door and gets ready to set you down.
“Ready? She’s gonna try n' run, I think. Prolly fight us.” Joel warns Patti but you cut in.
“I’m going to kill you both if you don’t take me home! RIGHT NOW!” You threaten both of them and Joel decides putting you down probably isn't the best right now. Your're still beating your fists against his poor old back. Scratching him to shreds. Torn his shirt almost in half at this point.
“Bird. Can you breathe for me? I know its difficult—” Patti speaks in the most calm voice he's ever heard and he thinks this is it. You're going to fucking calm down for Patti. You have to.
“Suck my fucking tit you bitch! Where is Nora!?” You scream at her but Patti is undeterred.
“- but you can lay on your back if you’d like.” Patti looks to Joel and nods down to the floor. Joel is confused. You've fought him the whole way here. If he lays you down, you're going to hurt yourself and Joel want's that less than for his pain to stop.
“Right here?” He looks down and it’s just a runner rug in front of the door. “She’s gonna crack her skull open. She’s gonna bash it to shit.” Joel is appalled at Patti’s therapy skills.
“Just set her down, please. She is having a serious episode. A violent outburst and we need to get her breathing and talking normally. Please?” Patti sounds desperate. “We’ll each hold one of her arms down,”
Joel thinks this bitch is fucking as crazy as his wife. Jesus Christ. Okay. Fine.
Joel kneels on the rug and hunches so you will lay down on your back. Your feet are on the floor and already trying to stand up.
“Force her. She isn’t in the right state of mind.” Now Patti sounds scared. Joel pushes his shoulder into your chest and forces all of his weight into your sternum.
Joel listens as you gasp and choke to silence as he pushes the air out of your lungs. You do not stop fighting once you’re pinned to the floor. It takes Patti eight attempts to grab one of your wrists so she can kneel across your forearm and pin you down. Once she does that, Joel grabs your other wrist and holds it tightly in his hand as his free hand reaches behind him to grip the top of your thigh with force. More force than Joel would ever like to use on you. You cry out in pain at the sudden charley-horse and your one leg goes limp. Joel jumps up and pushes one knee into your chest and puts half of his weight on you.
You stare up at him with fire in your eyes. No color. Just white, black and Joel can’t see it…but there is red behind those eyes.
Only you can see that. He's seen the red before but never like this. Not directed towards you. Towards infected and people with guns and maybe even without them, but never to you. Never to his Bird and he feels a little betrayed. How could you do that to him?
You do not know how you ended up at Patti’s house. Not at all. You don’t really remember waking up from your nap on the couch. Just Joel’s voice in your ear saying something about turns and yelling at you. What the fuck? How did you end up here with your husband crunching your ribcage under his knee and why the fuck does your thigh— did you get shot again!? What the fuck!?
“Get off me!” You snap at Joel. Why is he on you this way? You do not behave this way in front of others? Is he being so fucking for real right now? This is bedroom play. “Get. Off. Me.” You don’t know why you’re snapping at him or growling or whatever sound just came out of your throat.
“No. Shut th’fuck up.” Joel snarls back at you. You glare at him. The anger is just coursing through you. It’s bubbling in your veins like acid and it’s being spit from your salivary glands.
“I fucking hate you. Fucking stupid piece of shit.” You spit on him. Literally. You worked it all up in your mouth like he does during sex but you didn’t tell him to open up. You just launched it at him. He sees it coming, you weren’t subtle about it. He turns his head and chest away… it lands on his fucking neck and that makes you even more mad. “Take it. Take it like a fucking man you pussy.” You growl at him. You hear Patti’s voice but she is off in the distance somewhere. Bein’ nice probably.
Joel turns his body back towards you but you’ve been getting another one ready. You have rage inside of you and now your brain is telling you to direct the rage and the loogie right at him. So you do. Hauck it back deep in your throat and you fuckin’ let it go on him. Hits him right in the cheek. He doesn’t miss a beat. Gives you another one right back, between your eyes and forehead. How is his aim so good?!
“Motherfucking cunt— hate you!” You hiss at him at him. Joel continues to glare down at you. Worst glare you've ever seen but you're mocking him as hard as you can. You have so much tension in your whole body, you know your forehead looks like his right now. Tight and scrunched together. Joel is breathing heavily through his nose and his eyes never leave yours. You're locked onto him too. He's the target right now for some reason. You still dunno why. You feel nothing but heat inside you. Heat, and hate for him.
“Hey, Bird. How is Ellie? Is she been nicer to you lately?” Patti’s voice is front and center. It’s like she was your drill sergeant and she yelled-- At atten-tion!
And your brain snapped into position. One hand to your forehead and the other one tucked neatly behind your back in a fist. Your feet pressed together tightly as you hold your chin high and look off into the distance. You're so composed right now. This is amazing. Where the fuck were you? Lost in space or something. What the fuck? You can think, you can see straight. Before it was like Joel was the only thing in your vision. Nothing else came into focus– it was blurry all around the edges of him and the only thing you could hear was your own heartbeat and him telling you it was his turn. His turn to hold Nora and it was fucking pissing you off.
Now you can breathe and you’re fucking exhausted. You look up at Joel who is glaring at you. Don’t really know why. You’re better now. He should be relieved for you. Was he not worried through whatever the fuck was happening just then? Whatever the fuck that blinding rage feeling was. You dunno. That was all brand new to you. You are panting and your whole body goes lip underneath him. You smile up at him weakly and soften your eyes.
“I’m not mad anymore.” You sigh up to him uneasily because the way he’s looking at you– a penetrating gaze with his dark brown eyes– is making your skin ripple with goosebumps. It's like he's wishing bad things upon you right now behind his eyes but it's lost in the translation of space and time or what the fuck ever because he doesn't say what he's thinking. You know this, you can hear it in his tone when he whispers to you disappointingly.
“Glad yer’ not mad, Bird.” He rolls his eyes and stands up off your chest. Then he leaves you there with Patti laying on the running rug of her house. You don’t try and chase him because you know you’ve done something. You don’t really know what. Everything was all kind of a blur. You think? Dunno.
“Can you heard me, Bird?” Patti is behind you. You tilt your head to see her and one of her sleeves has been ripped from the shoulder of her sweater and her hair is a mess. This isn’t the Patti you know.
“What happened to you?” You stay laying on your back. Feels too good. You can breathe this way. Open.
“You did, honey. Are you okay?” She sounds worried about you like she didn’t just get beat up.
“I did that to you?” You pinch your brows together and then they soften as some of the things that came out of your mouth come back to you. You feel like you might be sick at the things you said to Joel. “What happene– what did I do?” You look at her still sitting behind you.
“I think you had an episode. Something that happens sometimes with PTSD.” She whispers.
“I thought I was better.” You whisper back to her. She scoots closer to you and brushes your hair away from your face. She uses her ripped sleeve to wipe Joel’s saliva from your forehead. “Why did I do that?” Your chest feels so tight. Like the skin around your ribcage was suddenly being pulled so taught, hard to take in a real, meaningful breath. “He’s gonna take them from me.” This is a real fear in your heart right now.
“No. He won’t. He knows that you are strugglin–” Patti has to pinch you in the crook of your neck to get you to stay laying on the floor. You whimper quietly and pinch your shoulders up tightly. “Stop it. You are not leaving. You will stay.” The voice that was behind the door comes out. It’s deep and gravelly. Sounds like she smoked a pack of cigarettes a day!
“He’s gonna.” You nod up at her between your tight shoulders. “He hates me. I spit on him!” You exclaim nervously.
“He spit right back at you. He brought you here. He didn’t need to do that. He could have tried to handle this on his own. He cares about you enough to not do that. He does not hate you.” Patti’s voice does not go back to nice and sweet.
“I have to go talk to him.” You whine desperately.
“No. You need to breath. Happy place. Please.”
“You never told me your name last time.” He whispers into your ear as he leads you up into the bedroom. He’s behind you, but you’re leading him nowhere. He’s already got his hands down the front of your pants and his knees are guiding you up each step. “S’pretty girl not want me to know her name? Slutty. Fuckin’ love it.” He growls softly.
“S’your name?” You murmur softly as he pressed his broad chest into your back. The front of his thighs presses against the back of yours and pushes your leg up the next step.
“Joel.” He sighs softly as his fingers find what they’re looking for. It’s already swollen and throbbing. Has been for four fucking days. You haven’t stopped touching it…thinking about Joel. Fuck. He’s perfect. Has a perfect name. “Y’even care?” He chuckles into your ear.
“Not really.” You try to tease him but you’re not sure your tone was right. You tried to sound playful and flirty, but it’s been a long time since you’ve done that and his middle and ring finger are just pressing against your clit. Not moving. Just applying pressure. It might have come out a little too forceful. Less flirty. He doesn’t seem to care. Kinda seems to like it?
“Figured.” He growls softly with a chuckle as he pushes your leg up another step with his. “Ever come like that ‘fore me? Huh? Had you runnin’ back here t’see me.” His voice is like whiskey; stealing your voice and all the air from your lungs as you take it in. It’s radiating, reverberating and warm. Smooth.
“No. Never.” You sigh as Joel pushes the door open with his free hand. Now, as he crosses the threshold of the bedroom his fingers begin to circle your already buzzing bundle of nerves he had been reaching for the entire way inside. “S-soo good.” You breathe out into the chilled night air. He tilts your head to the side gently with his forehead and leans down to your ear.
“Want more? I’ll give it t’ya. As many times as th’pretty lil girl can take it.” His lips on the side of your neck as he increased his speed with each rotation of his fingers.
“I want it. Please, I think I need it.” You’re whimpering, leaning back against him as he sighs into the crook of your shoulder and neck.
“Jesus Christ. Couldn’t fuckin’ wait to do this with you again.” He sighs into your neck again before he bites down on your flesh softly. It's almost like he wasn't even meaning for you to hear it. But you did.
It’s just insane how all of your happy places are with Joel. And he’s touching you. Ugh. Jesus. That second time is the reason you went back all the rest of the times. How he grabbed you when he saw you walking up the pathway to the house. His hand engulfed yours as he pulled you inside. As soon as the door was shut and locked he was behind you. Whispering so sweetly in your ear. Those naughty nasty things didn’t really happen until you were laying down with your pants at your ankles.
The sex was life changing. You enjoyed seeing him though. Just the sight of him waiting there for you outside had your heart palpitating.
“Do you feel better? I know you probably don’t…unfortunately. Can you think clearly now? Do you remember how this all started?” Her hands in your hair are a familiar memory. Not Patti, your mom. She would do this and recite that forsaken poem to you. It was such a nice memory and now it has all these other attachments to it now. It’s still nice. It just hurts when you think about it.
A good hurt.
“Joel took Nora from me after our nap.” You whisper softly. “I felt fine because I could see her…” You realize now that she is in fact not here and your heart starts to race again. Your eyes are flashing all over her house because this is not home, Nora is not here and you need to be with her always. Patti covers your eyes with one hand and strokes your hair softly.
“You are experiencing a symptom of witnessing something traumatic, Sweetheart. This is PTSD. You are suffering right now.. Nora is safe with her father. Very protective and capable father. You are not well.” Patti is firm and keeps her hands over your eyes like your a wild animal who is calm when they can’t see their surroundings.
You are. You can breathe and feel nice things in this blackness. The void is nice.
“That nap was the first time I slept since she came home. I can’t stop looking at her or touching her. I need her with me all the time.” You speak these out as if they were positive affirmations to yourself instead of admittance of a real fucking problem you have. Patti sucks her teeth.
“Tsk-tsk-tsk.” Each time she does that it makes you jolt like you’ve been whipped! Reminds you of gunfire for some reason. Back at the hospital in Salt Lake. You almost tell Patti that your family is being hunted by some scorned teenage girl whose father and sisters you murders apparently.
They fucking deserved it. Hope she stays pissed.
You’re so angry still. You’ve never ever felt rage like this before. You’ve been upset. Of course. You stabbed Ava in the heart like three times. Stabbed Jackie in both thighs– fuck. You have been an angry person this was not anger though. No.
Rage. It was like lava inside of you and all it needed was on little tiny spec of dirt or a pebble to set you off again.
“I think I’m going insane. Really. Crazy.” You sigh softly. You’re so tired in the void. Holy moly.
“You’re not. You have just been dealt a difficult hand in life. Please sleep, it’ll feel so nice to go to sleep, sweet girl. You must be so tired after being such a caring and protective mother this last week– working extra hard.” Patti is whispering so softly. It’s so nice. You want her to hold you in her arms. Cradle you to her chest and rock you like you rock Nora. “Shhhh. Just let the sleep come to your eyes. You are worth something. You are. Worth so much more than suffering. I mean that. Sleep, Sweetheart.”
You're so comfortable. Patti could do this forever. Literally, forever. You want her to be your person. You need one, clearly. Someone who wasn’t Joel or your own age. You desperately needed a mother. In the woods, right now. You needed someone and felt all alone.
“Will you stay? After I fall asleep?” You croak the words out, already half there. One of your hands reaches up to hold onto her wrist gently. She lets you and continues to now rake her fingers through your hair, her well groomed fingernails scrape and itch at your scalp. You let out a sigh you didn’t know you had inside of you.
“Of course. I will stay until you wake up. Sleep now, sweet girl. Sleep and dream good things and in the morning, we will talk and eat and you will feel better. Sleep is important.”
Comes easy after that.
The next morning is awkward and uncomfortable as you climb off her floor for the first time since you got into her house yesterday… almost nine hours ago. So, you’re tired still which sucks but you do not feel rage for no reason. You still feel anxious about Nora.
“All different reactions happen when you are going through an episode. You were at ten. Fully activated.” You listen as Patti makes you a coffee. “Eaten?” She sounds concerned. You shrug. You’ve been eating with Nora. Patti makes you toast.
“Is there a medicine I could take– go find? Make this easier?” You ask into your hot coffee.
“Probably. You’d probably need it for the rest of your life if you don’t learn how to cope.” Patti is sad for you. Evidence is in her tone and eyes. “You develop a dependency on it and run out… you’ll follow through with those thoughts and turn them into plans.. So on and so forth.”
“Gotchya.” You whisper. “I heard about this thing one time. They’d give it to women who just wanted to be happy. ‘Fore medicine and all that or whatever. I don’t fucking know. A lobotomy. I want one of those.” You smirk to yourself. “Sounds nice just bein’ happy all the time.”
“Frontal lobe or transorbital?” She does not smirk. “Drill holes in your head, remove your brain tissue and then they cut the frontal lobe from your thalamus. It is not pretty.”
“This isn’t fucking pretty, Patti!” You snap at her. “I did the one thing my husband begged me to never do last night. I hit him. So many times. I hit him and scratched him. Just like his ex-wife. That’s not pretty. So give me which one hurts most, because I deserve it–”
“No you don’t!” She yells at you and points her finger. “That is when all of this will get easier for you. Is when you realize you did not deserve this. You will deal with it easier when you don’t feel the need to be punished constantly and I think that’s what you do. You punished yourself by staying alone for so long. Now, you punish yourself worse with mothers guilt– PPD.” She slaps her hand down on the counter and you flinch. “You are worth more than panic and fear and guilt. You are a good mother, a good caring wife. Joel still loves you.”
“How do you know? He didn’t say it before he left.” You glare up at her over your coffee cup.
“He brought you here.”
Patti lets you borrow a pair of her shoes since you don’t have any. She wants to walk you home…obviously. You don’t let her.
“I’ll bring your shoes back next time I come… probably later today.” You grumble.
What are you even going to stay!? You acted like a complete fool yesterday but you could not control yourself even if you fucking tried. Not even a little. Saw red. Real blood red behind your eyes. In your eyes. It felt like Joel was trying to attack you last night and you just wanted you baby back. Now you realize how crazy you had been acting. Not sleeping. Staring at her chest all night to make sure she was breathing.
You wonder if Maria dealt with this kind of shit but you’re too afraid to ask.
The front door to your house feels like it weights as much as an aircraft carrier. Jesus. Okay. Joel is on the couch with the baby. Doesn’t even look at you. Cool. Great.
Where is that dry tub? Lookin’ rather cozy right about now.
“Hi.” You whisper to him. You lean against the door behind you and stare at the side of his head.
“Hey.” Short and no glance your way. “Better?” Still short, no looks. No meeting of the eyes for a real apology.
“I guess– yeah. Sure.” You mutter. “Ellie?” You hope he looks at her name but he continues to just look at Nora, tickling her neck gently.
“Connie’s with Dina. We need to talk.”
Fuck. Your stomach just fell out of your asshole. Shit. Sent Ellie away even though she was grounded. Not good.
“Yeah, I know.”
“Now or later?” Joel still had not looked at you one time.
“Now, I guess.” That is not your voice coming out of you. It is the ghost of whatever soul you have left inside of you.
“Sit.” Now, Joel finally turns and looks at you– leaning pathetically against the door in your pajamas from yesterday and Patti’s shoes. “Now.”
You slip the shoes off your feet and sit in the chair across from him. He sets Nora down on the floor and she crawls right over to you.
“Don’t like yellin’ in front of the kids. So we won’t,” Joel is calm, cool, collected. You’re pissing your pants as you pick your daughter up when she reaches for you. “Gonna swear at you a lot, sorry ‘bout that in advance. Who th’fuck do you think you are?” Joel points his finger at you accusingly. “I see red all the goddamn time. Never once put my fuckin’ hands on you.”
“I know,” You whisper.
Joel lets you finish, only because he’s standing. You know exactly what he’s going to do. He turns his back to you and shows you every single bruise you gave him. Every scratch that will absolutely leave a scar. He drops his shirt in silence and turns back to you. Holds out his elbow and twist it around slowly so you can see where each one of your fingernails punctured his skin.
“I didn’t know what I—” He does not let you finish this time. He gets close to you. Puts his hand on the arm rest of the chair and leans on it, bringing his face close to yours.
“Do that to me again, and I’ll leave. Promise you that. Take the girls with me.” He sees your face twist up to start to cry but he shakes his head. “Don’t cry. Not leavin’--yet.” It’s an obvious threat. “I will not do this again for three fuckin’ years before I say enough is enough and end up feelin’ like the bad guy again. I know you’re dealin’ with shit.” Joel pushes himself away from you and stands tall. “Figure it out. Respectfully. I love you— I just refuse to raise my kids around it. Won’t put up with it. Can yell n’ scream at me all you want. Don’t ever put your fuckin’ hands on me again.”
"Okay." You whisper up at him with tears in your eyes. "I'm sorry. I really am. I won't ever do it again." You plead with him to try and understand. "That wasn't me--"
"Yes it was. Regardless if you didn't see me or what the fuck ever. You did this. No one else. Fix it. Go to Patti's every fuckin' day from now on. Fix it. I'm not walkin' away from this, from you, this house." Joel shakes his head slowly. "Not doin' that...unless you hit me again. S'one thing I won't deal with. Won't allow my kids to fuckin' see. Not gonna break me down in front of them. No." Joel is still upset. Very obvious.
"I'm sorry." You say it slow and calm. "That's it. I'm sorry. I'll never do it again." You continue with the calm and the collected so that he will see you are no longer crazy and out of your mind.
"S'what my ex-wife said. Lasted five months." Joel's mouth is a straight tight line when he speaks. "We'll see how long it lasts this time."
Notes:
^ this is my apology for this chapter. I'm sorry.
if you all could see my Google search history... be glad you can't. I look like a fucking crazy person. ppd, PTSD, lyme disease, fuckin septic shock-- fucking nuts, don't accidentally google image search septic shock, btw, you cannot unsee those things. also, I'm so sorry. I am. pls don't hate me. this is all apart of their journey. these poor people have it tough. real bad.
Chapter 33: I Bet on Losing Dogs
Summary:
You and Joel need to do one thing. Heal.
Notes:
No trigger warning-- just a quick disclaimer: **I don't think any kind of DV is okay. Really, like none. This is just a very...fucked up situation for both parties. I don't want it to seem like i'm making light of DV at all in this story because it is a really serious and sensitive issue but it should be talked about. I know this is just a made up story, but... I dunno. o.v.e.r.t.h.i.n.k.i.n.g.**
I bet on Losing dogs- mitski ( were you waiting for this? I was)
enjoy this chapter. Y'all need it.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Joel stares at Don with frustration in his eyes. Doesn’t wanna be here. Doesn’t wanna be admitting these things to this therapist— who gets outside information from Patti about his family, apparently— because admitting it means it really fucking happened. Even though he has the cuts and bruises to prove it. “She hit me. Finally happened.”
Don nods slowly. Joel figured Don already knew. He knows a lot. There is a low, sorrowful tone to his voice but he speaks with grace like he knows what he’s saying is true. “It’s unfortunate that you had to bear the brunt of that attack. But she would have done that to anyone who came between her and Nora at that moment. We can be thankful that it wasn’t Ellie she focused her rage on.”
“Never even thought ‘bout that.” Joel doesn’t look at Don anymore because if you ever put your hands on either one of the children you shared with Joel in even a fraction of the way you did him…he’d stop loving you right then and there. He knows you feel the same exact way. Neither one of you are the kind of people who beat their kids. “She couldn’t help it… is what yer’ sayin’. Pretend this didn’t happen?” Joel is quietly appalled by this.
“No. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen. That’ll make things worse. You need to communicate with her. Tell her how you feel. Don’t let this bottle up inside you.” Don’s advice sounds a lot easier said than done. “It’s hard, but if you love her— I know you do– You’ll give her another chance. She gave you one.”
“Never hit her though.” Joel snorts. Don sighs in slight frustration at the belittlement of what you– his wife, is dealing with. Not Joel.
“It’s not about the abuse, it’s the lost trust. She didn’t hit you consciously like you were being abused in the past. Very different– not saying it’s okay or that you have to forgive her at all. This is about trust though. Not abuse. She wasn’t trying to physically abuse you. She was in fight or flight mode. She fought because she was trying to protect her daughter. It’s happened, you either choose to accept that your wife is struggling or protect your own peace if you must.”
“Can’t have both?” Joel chuckles because he is frustrated and worried and if he doesn’t chuckle about it, he’s going to cry. "Doesn't seem fair, really." Joel can't chuckle when he says this because there is no humor...just truth spoken to Don. Sadness tangles itself within that truth because he knows it's not fair. Struggling with his own bullshit, while also having wife at home who needed help too didn't seem fair at all. They needed each other so badly but they were their own biggest catalysts for arguments and negativity when things got bad. Thing's got so bad yesterday. Joel never expected to fight his wife like that. Hold her down and spit on her outside of the bedroom. It made him feel terrible. He was seeing red at that point too!
“Not true. It’s not an easy thing to deal with. You’ve been burned before, for different reasons but with the same outcome.” Don sounds hopeful but Joel doesn't even know what that means anymore. Hope? Okay. His wife tore his back and favorite shirt to shit yesterday and he's supposed to just forgive her for that? Seems impossible. He tried forgiving someone who hit him once already. Didn't end well for Joel.
“She didn’t even care that I slept on th’couch last night.” Joel admits sadly. “Didn’t talk for the rest of the day after she came home. Just passed Nora back n’ forth until she went to bed in her crib.” Joel sighs and leans back in his chair. "Just went and smoked on the porch. Didn't invite me or nothin'." Joel's feelings are just all around hurt about how the last two days have gone. This morning, a little better. You two made small talk about Nora and Ellie. Joel told Ellie to come home tonight before dinner, but that was all. Nothing more. Just quiet in the house until Joel left to come here.
“You have to find it in your heart to forgive. Move past it. Accept this was a horrible, horrendous mistake and try to rebuild your trust in her. This isn’t advice I would ever give to someone who I think was in danger of being abused. I would tell you to leave." Don is looking at Joel over his rimless glasses. He wonders if he would have said this same thing about his ex-wife over thirty years ago the first time she hit him. "Your safety and happiness is most important, but I honestly don’t think that’s what this is or that you want to walk away."
"How do I do that?" Joel whispers thinking it's impossible. No way.
"Situations are much different... I assume. Your ex-wife hit you the first time for what?" Don is curious and wants a real answer for this real question.
"Came home late from the bar-- told her I'd be home before midnight n' didn't get back 'till lil after one. Walked in the door and caught a fist before my boots were off." Joel remembers that shit like it happened this morning. "Didn't mean to. Jus'... hangin' out with my brother. Talkin' 'bout our mom. Doin' nothin' wrong. My ex wasn't even pregnant yet. Didn't find out she was expecting until after she hit me again. Then I couldn't leave." Joel drops his eyes to the floor.
"So she didn't attack you out of an an automatic physiological response triggered by a perceived threat--- Like Birdie did." Don is firm when he says you name. "She didn't see you, Joel. If she did...you weren't her husband. You were the only thing standing between her and Nora and her brain was telling her to do anything she needed to go get her child." Don is still firm and Joel doesn't understand why. He fuckin' gets it now. Fuck. Still is heartbroken that he has to remember your sweet n' perfect voice saying all those terrible things to him. Joel wonders is this is karma for speaking to his ex-wife so poorly and saying terrible shit to her. Or all the bad things he said to his dad shortly before he died. Has to be karma. No way it isn't.
“Hey.” Joel’s voice from the sidewalk makes you jump. You had just been cleaning up the sticks and bullshit outside in the front yard, thinking. Nora was down for a nap inside and you were forcing yourself to do something besides just sit and watch her sleep. Joel has a sad look in his eyes, like he’s lost and doesn’t know where to ask for help. Can’t or doesn’t want to ask you.
You look at him for so long and wonder how you could ever do what you did to him. It makes your heart sad. Shrivel up a little at how disappointed he is with you. You can see it on his face. “Hi.” You avert your eyes because if he keeps looking at you so forlornly he is going to make you cry and you’re not the one who should be crying. “I’m still real sorry.” You whisper as you look at his feet. “Feel terrible about it.”
“I know.” Joel doesn’t move from his spot on the sidewalk. You grip the small sicks in your hand tight and fight back those forsaken fucking tears. “I forgive you. I really do.” Joel’s words make your eyes flick up to him. He still looks sad.
“I’ll never do it again.” You whisper to his brown eyes. He nods silently and holds his arms out for you– the first embrace since he let you go at Patti’s house. He waits for you as you stare at him.
“C’mere, Lil Bird.” Joel whispers to you. “ Come touch me nice.” He takes a step towards you and this is when you move to him. You drop those stupid twigs in your hands– you never cared that they were even in your lawn– you just needed something to do. You wrap your arms around his midsection carefully, tenderly as he wraps his around your neck. His mouth and nose find your hair and kiss the top of your head.
His chest is warm and strong against your cheek and neck and his stomach his soft against the rest of you. “If there is anything I can do… I know there isn’t, but if there is– let me know. I’ll do it.” You whisper against the hardness of his sternum under his shirt and muscle.
“Don’t let me sleep on the couch ever again.” Joel moves his hands to underneath your arms, lifting you gently into him. You wrap your legs around his middle as he carries you inside and to the bedroom. He lays you down on the bed gently and just lays beside you on his left side, his head on your chest.
“Sorry.” Your afraid to do anything to him. Your hands hover in the air as the silence fills the room. You could hear your own heartbeat and you know Joel can too, with his ear pressed to your chest like this. His next words solidify your thoughts into concrete.
“Calm down Lil Birdie, I want you t’touch me. Need to feel your hands on me gentle.” Joel whispers to you. Your hands find his hair and he sighs softly, his warm breath feels like fog rolling in over your chest and neck. “S’fuckin' good.” He hums quietly as your fingers scratch at his scalp. His hands roam across your stomach and side as he presses his body against yours. “Love you s’much, Bird.” He drapes his right leg across yours and hooks it gently behind your calf and pulls it between his legs. “Jus’ need t’be close t’you, lil girl.”
“Okay.” Your breath and words and thoughts are all being stolen from you as your hand grips his hair gently, you tug and pull your fingers through his lengthening locks. “I love you. I’m sorry I hurt you.” You whisper down to him as his warm, strong hands cup and grope at your breasts and explore up further to your neck before he trails it back down between down the middle of your chest and over your belly. His warmth is felt through your jeans but he doesn’t linger between your legs long. He’s just exploring every inch of you.
“We clearly got work to do, Bird. I’m willin’ t’do it…” Joel trails off and holds his hand flat against your rib cage below your armpit and pulls you in closer— it’s like you're on the water tower again and he need to to be crawling into his chest cavity to be close to him the way he needs you. You cannot. He can only press your bodies together as tightly as possible. “I know you are too. Not givin’ up on you. I know y’didn’t mean it. Jus’ dont—”
“Ever do it again.” You finish it for him, don’t let him waste breath on something you’ll never do. You’ll cut your own hands off to avoid hurting him that way again— you’d leave before you ever hit him again. You never want him looking at you the way he did at Patti’s or when you got home yesterday afternoon and then the entire day after that until he fell asleep on the couch.
“Yer’ my most favorite thing, Birdie.” Joel sighs it out as he finally relaxes into you. He has been so rigid and stiff and pushing himself into you, holding you so tightly and now he can breathe again. His breath still feels like warm summer air clung to your skin, making it sticky and wet but you do not care. Joel can breathe on you every night or day like this for as long as he wants. As long as the universe will allow it.
You want to tell him that he’s the best thing that ever happened to you, but you think that he might scoff and come up with some shitty remark that makes you feel bad. You dunno. You wanna tell him that he is your whole world and that if he ever left you— it would be more painful than getting shot, or having a baby, the tattoo on your thigh!!! That would hurt so much worse than all of those things combined but you know your words mean nothing. He needed you to show him.
“Yer’ so fuckin’ soft. Every part of you is soft n’ feels so good, lil girl.” He hums quietly behind almost closed lips. “Love touchin’ you.” His hands never stop moving– it’s slow, gentle the way he pulls and tugs at the fabric of your shirt while his hands explore. The cotton pooling up under your breasts or neck as he pushed upward and then would just drag it back down in place when he moved down towards your heated center. “Fuckin’ soft. I love you s’much, babygirl.”
Joel’s touch has you trembling beside him and your fingers are still scratching his scalp as slowly as he’s moving his hand across the entire front of you. You are still at a loss of what to say. You’re not sure what he wants to hear or if he needs to hear something particular from you. This is the hardest thing you’ve ever done.
“Babygirl, relax.” Joel says this firmly and it makes you jump and shut your eyes tightly. Like you’re the one who got beat up or something. Then he speaks calm with his sweet southern twang. “ Yer’ heart’s beatin’ outta your chest. I’m not mad at you. Take a breath, I dunno if you have since we laid down.” His hands continue to roam. It sound like he is relaxed. He moves his head from side to side in your now still hand.
You gasp quietly and you realize how long it’s been since you have actually pulled a breath in. Jesus. What the fuck are you so scared of? Joel did not slice up your back two days ago! No, you did that to him and here he is all snuggled up close to you like you’re the sweetest and most comfy thing? Crazy. Mind-fucking you right now.
“Why? Why are you being so nice and forgiving me like this?” You breathe out through pants for more air. You need it desperately. Joel pulls his head off your chest and looks down at you.
“You gave me a second chance… n’ you really didn’t have to. Could’a moved out, taken Ellie with ya. She would’a gone with ya’too I think. You didn’t. Gave me a chance ‘cause I made a mistake. Y’deserve another chance. I love ya’too much to let you go, Birdie-Girl. Gotta see what happens, I trust you.” Joel whispers down to you before pressing his lips to yours gently.
He tastes like Joel. No whiskey. No weed. Joel from the road right after he’d brush his teeth and crawl into his sleeping bag right behind yours. Once Ellie was asleep he’d press his lips into your neck and breathe onto your skin; make you turn around to face him. Then he’d kiss you like this before he pulled the both of you out of your sleepers to find some fun, dark corner to play in.
You open your mouth and let him in. He’s waiting. Needs to feel your tongue against his. He’s warm, wet and tastes like home.
Nora is crying in her crib and both of you sigh in frustration-- not that you didn’t need this to go any further. Just kissing him and being close felt like medicine healing you from the inside out. He kisses you again, this time softer and with less warm wetness.
“I’ll go get her.” Joel declares against your lips. You nod softly as her cries send shock-waves of panic off throughout you. You breathe like Patti taught you and find a happy place.
Where is he? You’ve never waited. He is always here first and it’s fucking cold out here. Freezing. It’s going to start snowing any day. He’s not outside. He waited outside last time… he’s not coming. Fuuuuuuck. You walked all this way here for literally nothing. Great. Awesome. How long do you wait!? Third time seeing him and he’s already bored. He seemed so fucking excited last time.
Fifteen more minutes pass by and still nothing. Your nose feels like it’s actually frozen solid and you didn’t even wear a hat! Just the hood of your jacket because you wanted to look cute! Cute for this guy who isn’t even going to show up. Now you’ll freeze out here. Amazing. This is what being stood up feels like? Awesome. Go home n’ fucking cry! Over a dumb fucking guy!? Why!?
Angry footsteps. You’re not even trying to be quiet. Don’t care. Let the fuckin’ infected come n’ get you. Feel better than this! You get fifteen steps before the door to the cabin opens. You spin around and see him looking in the other direction. Then his head turns to you and he smirks.
“Yer’ late.” He hoots at you quietly. Lowly. Then he holds his hand out for yours and keeps the smirk on his face. You blink at him.
“I’ve been waiting out– were you inside?” You’re still blinking, not moving. You’re too stunned.
“Yeah. I was pullin’ then noisy springs outta the box spring or whatever the fuck was makin’ all that squeakin’. Couldn’t give it t’ya the way I like. Made too much noise.” He’s still smirking, chuckling now as he takes a couple of steps towards you.
“I wasn’t late.” You meet him half way and put your hand in his. He chuckles again. “I was so cold! You could have left the door open a crack or something.” You’re smiling up at him as he leads you back towards the house.
“Next time just go right upstairs. I’ll never miss our lil fun night. I’ll always show up. Even if it’s just t’tell you I can’t stay. Promise.” He leans down and kisses you gently as he opens the front door. “N’get that pretty, slutty pussy upstairs.” He growls now in your ear and smacks your ass gently as he locks the front door behind him. “Missed it for four fuckin’ days.”
Nora is giggling, stuffy and still slightly congested– but giggling like herself when Joel comes back into the room. Those sounds make your heart feel light and airy. Quiet in your head and it feels so nice. So comfortable for the first time since she went into the medical center.
“Did you have a good nap? Were you dreamin’ ‘bout dirt n’ mud, my lil Worm?” You smirk at her as Joel sets her down on the end of the bed. She crawls to you and her curls now fall into her eyes.
“You gotta cut it. Just a trim,” Joel holds his thumb and index finger up very closely and squints at you.
“I’ll just put it up. Put bows in it or somethin’. Keep it out of her face.” You explain as you gather it up all in your hands. “Look, she’s like that lil baby from The Flintstones. What was her name? The lil redhead baby?” Joel is chuckling as he stands at the end of the bed, watching the two of you.
“Pebbles I think. Dunno. Didn’t watch that with Sarah. She liked different cartoons as a baby.” Joel smirks down at Nora as you play with her hair. “Blues Chair or somethin’. Had a mailbox n’ some horny salt n’ pepper shaker.”
“Do you mean Blues Clues?” You gawk at him. “And their baby Paprika?” You blink and hold Nora’s hair in your hand. He nods and points at you.
“Yeah. That guy Scott or whatever.”
“Steve.” You smirk at him. He nods and smiles again.
“Yeah. She liked that shit n’ some other show I can’t even remember anything ‘bout. We used to watch ‘em together every saturday mornin’ then we’d go to her soccer practice or game or whatever she had that day.” He’s smiling talking about his first daughter. You never get to hear him talk about her like this. You know he’s a good dad. You feel like he doesn’t think he is. Or was.
“Was she good at soccer?” You dig a little so he’ll keep talking. He nods, looking at Nora with the smile still on his face.
“Oh yeah, she was fuckin’ great. Loved bein’ able to see her play. Always missed her games during the week though. Work.” Joel frowns and looks at you now n’ sighs. “S’fucked ‘cause now I’d never miss somethin’ like that. Got all the time in th’world, no soccer though. No sports to put ‘em in.” Joel shifts his weight on his feet uncomfortably.
“You been teachin’ Ellie how to play guitar. Maybe you can find a soccer ball somewhere. Gotta be one in someones garage or something. Basketball— oo! A football! You gotta find somethin’ like that around here.” You point between him and the wall that is the front of your house on the other side. “I’d help ya look. Just see if ya can find one. Teach her how t’play or something.” You keep offering ideas because you don’t want things to fall back to the way they used to be.
“Yeah. We could do that. All of us. You too.” Joel smiles at you and your heart bursts right of your fucking chest. You’d give it to him if he asked you for it. If outside you he had said I need your bloody, still beating heart… easy. You’d have snapped your ribs getting it out for him. The most insane enigma of a man. Strong and toughened by the outbreak. Hardened by the life dealt to him; but when he was with you in moments of vulnerability like this? The most incredibly soft and gentle man you’ve ever met. Nothing like it before ever.
“She ever coming home from Dina’s?” You joke playfully. He nods, the warm and happy smile stays on his face and in his eyes, too. “She still grounded for the weed or she getting a free pass because her adopted mom is crazy?” You tease and you see Joel’s shoulders rise and fall in a soft chuckle.
“We talked. Me n’ her. A little while you were at Patti's. She told me she took that joint ‘cause she wanted to giggle with Dina the way we do. Wanted to feel close to her but, she jus’ got real scared. Figured that was punishment enough.” Joel walks to his side of the bed and picks the baby up. Your heart races for two seconds but you breathe, deeply. As deeply as you can and repeat what Patti says.
You are worth something. Worth more than fear and sadness. Worth more than panic and anger. You are strong and deserve good things. Great things. You are worth something.
A mantra. Self affirmations she said you should speak daily into the mirror. Okay, Patti. Hard to look in the mirror and see anything but a husband beating bitch. It’s so hard. So hard. You haven’t done it yet!! You’ve avoided all reflections. No! Can’t look into your deceptive eyes. They lie. They look innocent and sweet and sometimes maybe a little dead. But you are not any of those things. You are not sweet or innocent. Certainly not dead.
The devil won’t let you die. He isn’t ready to meet his betrothed yet.
“Y’okay?” You open your eyes that you hadn’t realized you closed— he is starin’ at you hard. Worried. You nod.
“Just workin’ on my breathing.” You blink up at him with no time to not sound crazy. Working on your breathing? Okay.
“Good. Keep doin’ it. It’s workin’?” He sounds proud of you and curious and you could throw up from joy. You nod happily.
“Yeah. Just did it today for the first time. Talkin’ myself off the ledge the best I can.” You reassure him the way Patti therapy-ied you! It’s amazing! You can think clearly even though your heart is still racing and the anxiety is fucking stampeding through you. Fuckin’ water buffalo in your muscles or something. It’s like your twitching but you can think. You see Joel. “Talk to me about something nice. Keep talking nice about Sarah.” The words come out a little faster and more desperate than you mean them to, but it kicks him into gear.
“She loved goin’ to the beach.” Joel spits it out like he didn’t have anything else loaded for this. “Loved buildin’ sand castles and collectin’ seashells.” He sounds less panicked to help and more nostalgic. “Me n’ her would go there with Tommy on the weekends when she didn’t have soccer. Spent all day there. Lots of days there.” Joel smiles down at you.
Breathing is so easy. It’s coming so naturally that you don’t even need to focus on that. Those water buffalo of what-the-fuck-ever was inside of you herding themselves in every direction under your skin are now… just sweet tiny lil kittens you think. You dunno, it’s still a very unnerving feeling. Like your skin is just crawling– but not because of Joel! You could listen to him talk about Sarah all day.
“Did you ever fall in love after your wife?” You sigh out softly. You don’t even know why because honestly… you don’t want to know. You hope the next word out of his mouth is just ‘you’ and that’s it. You don’t know why!? What the hell is wrong with you.
“Got close once. Jus’ never worked out.” Joel shrugs his shoulders softly and nuzzles his nose into Nora’s cheek gently. He’s moving his weight between his feet slowly as he speaks to you. “I did love her though. Saved me n’ Ellie right after us two met. She died.” Joel speaks plainly to you. No sentiment in his voice. You’re not sure if it’s for you or him.
“What was her name?” You ask quietly. Again, you don’t wanna know. It’s hurting you badly inside and you don’t know why. He is your husband. Ugh, why do you do this!?
“Tess.”
UGH what a nice name! She was probably beautiful just like Ava had been even though she was batshit insane! Does Joel do this to women… does he just make them crazy? Oh my god.
“You know her for a long time?” You never take your eyes off his. He nods.
“We met five years after the outbreak. We worked together— smugglin’ n’ whatever else we needed to do.” Joel also doesn’t take his eyes off yours. This is a lot of past sharing which is what people who get married do. You have no past to share!! You did a lot of running. That’s about it. The shooting and staying alive was your dads job. You ran. Fast as hell. Just ran and didn’t fucking look back unless your dad whistled for you or grabbed you by the book bag and pulled you in a different direction.
“Why didn’t it go anywhere?” You need someone to tape your mouth shut. Right now! What is your problem! You’re currently trying to not send yourself into another violent rage and your asking about his ex’s. Why!?
“Busy. Dangerous. Didn’t stop us from havin’ a good time together.” He shrugs and gives you a suspicious look. “Why you askin’ all this?”
“I’ve never asked before.” You have to try and hide your retching sounds because the idea of Joel inside one more person besides you, Ava and his ex-wife is making you sick. Not even an idea. It was a real thing that happened. Fuck. Okay. He didn’t even know you existed. Not even a little bit. Stop this madness.
“You never even kissed anyone else between me n’ Jackie?” Joel flicks one eyebrow up curiously. You shake your head no.
“When would I have done that?” You chuckle up at him.
“You never snuck off when y’all slept in a colony or met up with a group or anything?” He now wrinkles his brow like he doesn’t believe you.
“No! I was too scared! I didn’t stop being scared until after my dad died and then apparently I was real fuckin’ picky.” You nod at him once.
“Picky huh? I wasn’t just the first guy you saw—”
“Are you serious!? You know how many guys I seen on the road that day!? Three more that morning. Didn’t even look their way. Could smell ‘em before I seen ‘em. Not you though.” You smirk at him. “No. I had to say hi because I didn’t know if I would ever get a chance to see you or talk to you or look at someone who comes close to you! What!?” You snap your head to him.
“Really?” Joel chuckles nervously.
“Yes! I wasn’t desperate! I might have been after we did that for the first time but I wasn’t going to let you know that!” You snap at him playfully.
“What!?” Joel exclaims. “Desperate for it!? You were not,” Joel waves his hand at you and rolls his eyes. “Never once tried to see me before them four days was up. Not once.” He snaps back at you but not as playful. “Only reason I didn’t ‘cause was I didn’t want yer’ husband gettin’ suspicious.”
“I don’t even have a good reason!” You snip back at him frustratedly. “None! I would have seen you every single day!” You exclaim. Joel smirks.
“Every day, huh?” He grins at you still laying on the bed. “Wasted a lot of time, didn’t we Birdie?”
“Hey Squeaker.” You sit on her bed and cross your legs neatly underneath yourself. She stares at you. “Sorry ‘bout the—”
“What the fuck was that? What happened to you?” Ellie doesn’t hold back at all- with a grimace on her face and judgmental eyes. Alright. Sweet. You’re not fragile or anything.
“Just snapped a little. Everything with Nora had me wound real tight.” You sniffle softly and wipe your nose. You have been crying in the bathroom a lot today- staying out of the dry tub- but still crying trying to get through those stupid fucking affirmations.
“Clearly. Did you see what you did to Dad’s ba–” Ellie is in protector mode but not of you. Not this time. Of her poor ole Dad. Who got his back torn to shreds by someone Ellie trusted and thought loved him very much. Probably wondered when you were going to do that to her.
“Yep.” You cut her off because, no. You cannot think about those cuts and bruises again or you'll make yourself throw up again. Been doing that too all day. Thinking about those cross-stitched red gouges you inflicted upon him. Dark, purple n' black bruises that will fade and turn yellowish green on his skin and you'll look at them every time he sleeps until they are gone. Even then, you'll never see his body the way it was before you put your violent hands on him. You feel like a monster no matter how forgiving your husband is. You wipe your nose again and sigh. “I’m sorry. That’s all I have to say. I’m sorry it happened and I’m sorry you had to witness it.” You stare at her. “Really. I am.”
“Shit, have you apologized to dad? He’s the one you should be talkin’ to. Not me. His back is torn—” It's like Ellie wants to see your face twist up and turn away from her when she brings it up. She's shaming you right now. Making you atone for what you've done. You let her finish now. "Torn to shit mom... Do you know he wouldn't even let me help him? Locked himself in the bathroom for an hour." Ellie glares at you like she's ashamed you're her mom. You're still wound a little tightly and this attack just twists the key in your back one full rotation.
“Yes. Him and I have talked.” You narrow your eyes on her. “Feel fuckin’ terrible about it, ok?” You don’t mean to snap but… how could you not? She's backing you into a corner when you're trying to apologize for it happening at all. You didn't come in here to try and justify your actions at all.
“Okay— don’t fuckin’ hit me.” Ellie teases with an almost invisible smile but it’s hard to even try and reciprocate. She see's and her eyes soften and the smile becomes a little less cloaked. “I’m kidding!" Ellie looks sympathetic now. "I know things have been hard. I’m not mad. I know Dad isn’t mad. We talked a little while you were at Patti’s. I know you’ve had a tough time.” She puts her hand on your shoulder and it feels like a an anvil. A hot one that just came out of a fire. “You’re gonna be fine, Mom. I know it. We got stuff to do together.” She smirks at you now.
“What do you mean, Squeak?” You whisper to her like she might have some wild adventure planned for you two. She grins.
“Dad said the two of us could ride into the city with Uncle Tommy in a couple weeks and grab supplies for the roller rink.” She had hope in her eyes as dread fills your heart.
Deep breaths, Bird. You’re worth something. There is an attempt made to find a happy place but it's far away. Too far gone in your head, in your frontal lobe you wish you could detach from your thalamus. Pluck whatever the fuck is making you so fucking scared and anxious and nervous all the damn time right out of the cortext-bullshit it's attached to making it fucking send shock-waves of terror through you for no reason since Nora got sick. Since she got better, really. You look into Ellie's eyes and everything is quiet. Thoughts in your head are now good and calm. She still has hope and happiness in your heart and it is a distant reminder that being fifteen is filled with so many different emotions all the time.
Ellie had just been so angry with you and now, she is so excited for this trip that your husband had set up for you without your knowledge or permission. You scan across her whole face and see the scar on her forehead from when she ran into a tree branch and then slit in her eyebrow from whatever happened at Davids. You sent her there. Sent her out into the wild with no one so you could stay in that basement and protect Joel. You regret that everyday because you could have kept her safe from whatever happened to her there in that compound. She still has the innocent round face of a baby.
"S'wrong, Mom?" She whispers to you when you've sat in silence for an uncomfortable amount of time. You smirk at her grab the hand she doesn't have on your shoulder and you squeeze it gently.
“I’d actually love to do that with you n' Uncle Tommy. Special fun trip for us, I think. We'd all get to know each other a lil better. I don't know Tommy as well I as I know Maria." It's true. Tommy doesn't just sit down with you and chat about life. That's what he does with Joel n' you do that with Maria. "I think it’d be good for me to get out of here for a day or two. Clear my mind. Get back to the Birdie on the road,” You smile at her now and she has real happiness in her eyes. “Do you want to help me make dinner and then—”
“Can we… can we just snuggle for a little while? Like we used to?” She whispers so softly. You nod silently and she lays down and you crawl behind her and snuggle her up into your chest. She smells like her soap and your growing up to fast daughter.
“I missed this. Never thought I’d get to snuggle you like this ever again.” You sigh into the top of her head.
“I knew we would. I just thought I’d be older.” She chuckles.
She’s going to be sixteen in a couple months. It’s unthinkable.
“I’m sad I never got to hold you as a baby." It's an admittance you had deep in your gut. A secret that you had only told yourself, not wanting to sound insane because you feel insane lately. "If I had known you were out there… and things could have been like this, I would have came and found you.” You whisper softly. She says nothing. “Sorry if that was weird.” You back peddal.
“Nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me I think.” She whispers back after a while. “Thanks for not being mad I wanted to leave. I just… I dunno. Wanted to see what else is out there. Kinda got a glimpse of it out there on the road with Joel n’ you.” She speaks softly and it makes you kinda sleepy. Fuck.
“I know. There is a lot out there we didn’t see either. I wish it was safer out there for us. We would go everywhere. I’d take you to a real nice beach I used to go to when I was a kid, real little, with my grandma.” You explain. “I’d show you what beautiful things there are in the world, Squeaker. I would. I just don’t want anything bad to happen to any of us.” You press your lips to her skull and smooch her loudly.
“I know.” She murmurs. “I’m still gonna leave one day… when I’m older…” She says it as a soft warning as if you didn’t already know this.
“I don’t blame you baby, I don’t. I know.”
Joel is waiting for you at the bottom of the stairs with his hand extended. You take it– his size and warmth engulfs you like it did the first time. He smirks down at you as he opens the door. Instead of letting you sit in your own chair he hurdles you past it and grabs you by the waist.
Pulls you down into his lap to smoke together like old times.
“You have a good talk with El? She isn’t mad?” Joel looks worried like he had trouble getting her to be forgiving and understanding about what happened that night.
“No, she’s not mad— was. Not anymore I don’t think.” You rest your head on his shoulder and scratch your fingernails through his beard, focusing under his chin and down his neck the way he likes. Joel shows his appreciation with a throaty humm. You smirk and watch as he lights the joint while you scritch him.
“Love when you do this.” Joel rumbles deeply, speaking around the joint in his mouth, inhaling and then exhaling through his nose. For two seconds he’s like a fire breathing dragon. You smirk and sigh softly.
“Do you ever miss Tess?” You whisper to him and he flinches– it would have been completely unnoticed if you hadn’t been in his lap. He nods softly.
“Not gonna lie to ya— yeah. We knew each other for a long time. I trusted her.” Joel speaks with almost no sound. He doesn’t look at you, but his arm that’s cradling you close to him holds onto you tighter. His hand on your hip rubs you gently. “She’s a good woman. We had a lot in common.” Joel inhales again and then hands you the joint. You sit up now and he still doesn’t look at you.
This is the first time you’ve heard Joel speak nicely about a woman…honestly. Every time some other woman gets brought up, it’s usually not in the most respectful way and it had been weighing on your mind how he spoke of Ava. Even though you hated her… it wasn’t nice. Not how you’d want someone to speak about you.
“She pretty?” You whisper after you shallow inhale on the joint. He nods, still not looking at you.
“She was my age. Liked her for different reasons. Attracted to her for different reasons.” Joel finally turns to you and frowns. “Why you askin’ me so much ‘bout her?”
“Dunno. Like hearing you have good memories.” You sigh and had the joint back to him. It looks like one of his eyes eyes twitches as he takes the joint. “I’m not real jealous or anything. You talk about her differently than Ava—”
“She was different from Ava.” Joel still frowns, and grips your hips tighter. “Different from you too. It was just different back in Boston. Everywhere. This place isn’t like any QZ or anything I’ve ever been in.” Joel whispers as he taps the joint out in the ashtray and now holds you around the waist with both hands. “S’easy to fall in love with you. Too easy. My Birdie-girl.” He leans in, blowing out the last of the smoke from his nose as he kisses you.
“Do you wish she had come with you?” You whisper against his lips. Joel pulls away and scans your face and sits back.
“You want the truth?” Joel whispers to you, his hands still on your body tightly. You nod silently. “Yeah. I do. Wonder sometimes what could’a happened.”
Sickly feelings inside you. You wanna know about him. You asked him because you were curious and wanted to know. The answer is exactly what you knew it was going to be but you breathe and press your hands against his soft belly n’ side.
“M’not sure how I feel ‘bout it. I wish she was alive, wish she didn’t die for me n’ Ellie. Dunno if I would have met you though. Wouldn’t have had another kid. Tess didn’t want a family. I didn’t either. We probably would have just dropped Ellie off n’ came back here. Maybe went back to Boston. Dunno.” Joel leans in and press his lips to the corner of your mouth gently. “I love bein’ with you, lil girl. You’re everything I ever wanted.”
Notes:
look'it his soft belly 🥹 i'll fuckin' knock his ass out
I also made a Tumblr because one of you said that Tumblr still exists!! I haven't used it in Fourteen years D: I just use gifs from there!!! but come connect with me if ya want. I'd love it.
Slimy Tumblr
Chapter 34: I Felt It Too
Summary:
Conversations...with yourself in the mirror... with Joel... with someone you'd never though you'd see again....
Notes:
Hellerrrr.
Trigger warnings for some serious self-deprecating talk--- it's not nice.
i felt it too- taking back sunday
I never ask you guys to go listen to a song (maybe once or twice) but this song is so fucking good and I feel like it fits the beginning of this chapter so fucking well.. I relate this whole fuckin' story to the music I listen to and I never expect anyone to sit down n' try to find a song to see what I'm portraying via the music into the chapter. Never. But listen to this fucking song.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The mirror is the worst. You hate it. You wish you could smash it to bits because it just shows you a reflection of someone you don't fucking like or even recognize anymore. Who are you? Why do you hit your husband? You didn't even mean to. Would never have done that!! You love him more than life itself because the only thing that makes your life worth living besides your daughters is him. It sounds so sad when you think it in your head but it's the truth. Before Joel you had the woods and cans of spam and one blanket you liked a lot. That was it. Just doing the same thing every single day because that's all you knew. It's all that felt safe. Not anymore.
The tears fall as you whisper your affirmations into the mirror almost silently so you can't be overheard weeping. "You are worth more than crying. Worth more than feeling hopeless. You are a good mom and a good wife who makes mistakes. Everyone messes up. Everyone needs to be forgiven at least once. You are no different. You are worth more than sadness and desperation. You are worth a good, happy life." You almost don't fucking get through them because it all feels like a giant joke. The tears fall into the sink below you. You don't even bother wiping them away as you brush your teeth. You wipe just your cheeks and stare at yourself until the tears dry themselves because you are not worth wiping them away.
This is the fucking worst.
You crawl into bed and pull the covers up to your chin and watch as Joel drops his jeans to the floor while he stares at you. He's not smiling, not frowning. Just looking at you with his big brown eyes like he knows what you were doing in the bathroom. You wanna tell him you weren't crying in the tub this time, just crying-- looking in the mirror trying to lie and affirm to yourself that you resemble someone who used to be a good person. She's lost though. Lost at sea with literally no life vest or tracking device. No boats or choppers on the horizon coming to save you. Just big giant waves coming to swallow you up and drag you down to the bottom.
Joel faces you as he pulls his shirt off over his head to crawl into bed with you. Your heart is racing when he does this but you sigh loudly-- the question is formed right at the base of your throat, you can feel there trying to squeeze it's way out but you're struggling to find the pressure to put force behind it and make it come out of your mouth. It's burning at your brain and you didn't really look the first time, you don't wanna look again. No. Not ever but you know you're going to. Whether he shows them to you or not... you're going to make yourself look.
“Can I see them?” It comes out of you so quietly- almost croaked-- that Joel tilts his head to the side slightly because he didn’t even hear you. “I wanna see them.” You’re shaking under the covers as he frowns at you- his eyes narrow on yours. Fear doesn't just grip your heart... it's strangling it.
“Why?” He stays facing you, both hands on the bed so he can be closer to you…want’s to hear your fretful whispers and not have to strain. His eyes never leave yours, they're so intense and not even scanning your face... just locked on to your nervous eyes.
“I wanna kiss ‘em.” You murmur. Joel’s frown doesn’t soften but his eyes do just a smidgen. “Let me. I know it’s not gonna make ‘em go away–”
“S’just gon’ make you feel bad, babygirl.” He still doesn’t move. You do. It’s like moving in slow motion as you roll onto your stomach and push yourself to your knees.
“I know. I should feel bad.” You whisper as you crawl to him slowly. Joel’s eyes move across your face and he watches your mouth as you speak again. “I can’t fix it like this… I can’t make it better right now--but I want you to see n' feel how much I love you.” You reach him and sit back on your knees and drag your fingers up the length of his arms from his wrist to his shoulders. You can see the beginnings of your scratches and bruises right behind his neck. He sighs quietly and it pangs your heart that your touch makes him hold his breath now... for the worst reasons. He just stares at you for so long... probably watching the tears starting to sting at your eyes.
“Don’t want you feelin’ bad. Want you gettin’ better.” He leans in and kisses right below your right eye-- his fists still dug into the mattress.
Joel is trembling. Was trembling the whole time he held onto you earlier this afternoon– so scared of your hands. Of you. You hurt him. Now he was fearful of your touch, even though he didn't want to be.
Everything inside Joel ached as he walked home from Don’s and told himself that he had to forgive you. Forgiveness? For what you did? The one thing that Joel begged you never to do to him? When he got home and saw you outside with those stupid twigs in your hand-- not inside. Not standing over Nora’s crib staring at her. Doing something other than allowing yourself to struggle in silence… and he knew he could-- Joel could forgive you. Joel had been so nervous to come home and see you laying in bed with Nora or in her room next to her crib he didn’t know if he’d be able to forgive.
Joel saw you with twigs in your hand and fell in love with you all over again because you were trying. He was still scared when you wrapped your arms around him out there on the side walk...was scared when you had your hands in his hair...
Now…you have his biceps in your grasp and it’s nice. It’s familiar but scary and it makes him sigh softly. He hopes you didn’t hear the sigh because he doesn’t want you to feel bad. As he looks at you right now… into your sad eyes that are still red from smoking with him and crying in the bathroom before bed-- he heard you in in there hoping you weren't in the tub. He hates your sadness. He sees you struggle like this. Struggling differently from him. He struggles with what he’s done and whatever the fuck is in his head.
You're suffering- not just struggling… and Joel doesn’t know if you know why you suffer. He doesn’t fuckin' know. Just knows that your suffering is real. He’s looking at it right now in your eyes. It’s staring back at him with bloodshot whites and wetness clinging to them like you might cry.
“Don’t want you feelin’ bad. Want you gettin’ better.” Your skin is salty from the dried tears you never wiped away before crawling into bed from crying in the bathroom. This is Joel’s favorite spot to kiss you. He did it once so long ago and the skin there felt so soft and felt so good on his lips. Right under your right eye. He has no reason to prefer this side over the other but the spot just below your right eye- where he can feel your eyeball flutter from behind your lower eyelid against his upper lip...that spot belongs to him. No one else. No one else has ever kissed you right here and it's his territory to claim. He kisses you there once again as you speak to him.
“I feel bad regardless. Lemme kiss ‘em… please.” You whisper to him. Joel’s heart is pounding in his chest. It's scaring him, like if he shows you… it’ll send you into another fit of rage and he’ll be the victim again. “I’m real sorry.” You breath against his neck as he keeps his lips pressed right above your cheek. Your words are comforting but... don't do much to ease his fear. The warmth of your breath does though, gives him courage for some reason as it hits his neck and plumes down his bare chest.
“I know you are.” Joel pulls away and wraps one hand around the back of your head and grips your hair gently so you’ll look up at him. “I know, lil girl. You’re real sorry n' won’t do it again.” He leans down and kisses your lips now– they taste clean from you brushing your teeth. It makes him sigh softly and he knows you heard this because you sigh back to him in response. “Be gentle with ‘em. Still sore.” He utters quietly into your partially parted lips. Now his hand falls from your hair.
Joel sits on the edge of the bed in front of you and hangs his head, looking at the floor directly in front of him. He doesn’t know why he feels ashamed, but he does. He wishes he didn’t. Wishes he could make all those marks on his back disappear. Wishes he could go back and make that whole day different. None of it should have happened. He doesn’t mean to flinch when you kiss his back, it honestly doesn’t hurt. He was just…nervous.
It’s worse. Worse than you remember from when you got home from Patti’s. It’s like the bruises have had time to settle in and make themselves at home. The gouges on his skin are deep. You wonder if you had his skin under your fingernails but have showered and washed away all of your terrible sins. You lean forward and with a feathers touch press your lips to one of his bruises. Joel flinches and it brings tears to your eyes.
“Sorry.” You pull away from him and run your fingertip along the waistband of his boxers across his lower back. More scratches and bruises that make your heart shrink several sizes inside your chest.
“Don’t be.” Joel murmurs quietly. You realize how scared both of you are at this moment.
“I am. Sorry for everything.” You whisper and press your lips to a very shallow and superficial scratch. “Sorry I’m like this… I dunno why this happened to me.” You keep the tears right in the corners of your eyes because you have no reason to cry. None. You’re the abuser. Joel doesn’t speak for a while as you mill kisses softly and tenderly on each bruise you beat into him.
“This is hard, Bird.” Joel sounds like he doesn’t wanna say it– it makes you pull away from him and put your hands in your lap nervously. His head twists from side to side and then he turns to look at you over his shoulder. “Why’d ya stop?”
“You said this was hard.” You’re so ashamed. He didn’t seem to mind you touching him earlier when he came home from Don’s and now it’s too hard. That dry tub is calling your name.
“Not you touchin’ me. Weirdo.” He chuckles softly and then turns his head forward and hangs it again to look at the floor or close his eyes. You dunno. You take your place behind him and run your hands down his side as you press your lips to the nape of his neck. He sighs quietly and you can feel his body relax against you. “Situation’s hard.”
“S’not fair.” Your voice cracks as you speak. “I just wanted us to be happy. I thought we would be.” The tears are threatening to fall but you do not blink. You’ll let your eyes dry up before you cry about hitting your husband– like an abuser would. You think. You don’t know. You’ve never experienced physical abuse before. Just verbal from your dad. This is all new to you.
“S’not fair. Yer’ right.” His words make you feel bad because… you don’t think they were supposed to but they do anyway. “Still love you though. Don’t wanna jus’ walk away from this. ‘Specially ‘cause I don’t think you wanted to hurt me. I know you didn’t.” Joel tries to comfort you without knowing he hurt your feelings. You swallow hard and rest your cheek against one of the bruises on his back.
“You don’t regret it?” It hurts to say. You don’t think he’d tell you even if he did. “Gettin’ me pregnant and askin’ me to marry you?” Your heart is pounding in your chest because you think he should. He should regret it. You might be the worst thing that ever happened to him.
“What?” Sounds appalled at you. “Ellie n’ Nora are the best things.” He softens his tone a little. He doesn’t mention marrying you. Doesn’t mention you at all.
“I know. I don’t regret it. I’ve always wanted this… minus the fuckin’ hurt.” You finally blink and your eyes let those abusive tears fall and your just glad Joel can’t see it.
“Why’d you ask ‘bout my past today? We don’t talk ‘bout that shit…” He trails off and leaves you thinking about why you asked.
“Why don’t we?”
“Why would we? Nothin’ but fuckin’ heartbreak in th’ past.” Joel shakes his head as he snorts softly.
“I love you. Love who you are and what we have together… but sometimes I feel like I don’t really know you… I told you a bunch about myself… you just told me the bad stuff. I like hearing about the good you had once.” You’re honest and real with him. He sighs loudly.
“Ain’t much good there.” Joel chuckles now like it’s funny but your heart breaks when he says that.
“You talked nice ‘bout your dad that one time. Was your mom not nice–”
“My mom was the nicest lady.” You can hear the smile on Joel’s face. “She died when I was seventeen.” He whispers this to the floor and you kiss a clear spot on his shoulder. “Dad died a couple years later— right before Sarah was born.”
“I’m sorry.” You sigh against his flesh.
“Me too. I was an ass to him right before he died. N’ Tommy was with me so he died all alone.” Joel shivers under your touch but you don’t think it’s from your touch at all. “My past is filled with a lot of regret, lil girl. You don’t wanna hear ‘bout all that.” He whispers.
“I like when you talk about Sarah…” You sit up on your knees and press your chest against his back gently and walk your fingers down his arm to his watch. “She loved you, very much.” You kiss his ear gently and tap the broken glass of the watchface very gently. “She did this for you. She loved you, baby. Talk about her. Tell your other daughters about her.”
Joel’s shoulders jerk softly against you back but he makes no sound. You kiss the side of his face and press your temple against his.
“S’hard.” He chokes out to you quietly.
“I know. You’ll be happier talkin’ about her. Talkin’ about the good times you guys had.” Your voice is calm and steady for him. He needs you to be strong for him right now so you will.
“I wasn’t good to her. Let her down a lot.” He admits to you quietly in shame. You kiss his cheek gently and hold yourself to him.
“I think you think that. I think if she was still here… she’d tell you a different story.” You’re worried your words wont comfort him but you don’t know what else to do or say. “You can talk about Tess if it’ll make you feel better.” You add quietly. “I talked about Jacob before I knew he was alive n’ fuckin’ crazy. Told you ‘bout the good times we had.” Joel sniffles softly. “You can have regrets about the past, sure. Your whole life isn’t one big regret though, baby.”
Joel stays silent as you pepper kisses across his shoulders gently.
Why do you want him to talk about his past so fuckin' bad? Nothin' there but fucking pain. Honestly. It's hard when you bring up Sarah and ask him to talk about her even though it does feel good when Joel remembers the good times with her like the beach. He knows there are other good memories in there but something Don said sticks with him a lot.
“Regrets never go away. Patti says that the hardest part about being a parent is you forget the best memories and the bad ones brand themselves into your subconscious. You can do ninety-nine things right. Perfectly. You remember the one time you screwed up.”
Joel know's that he was a good dad to Sarah... just the guilt of losing her and feeling like the last couple years they had really fell into a rut with him having to work so often and so late to keep his business afloat. It just hurt's him that when he thinks about Sarah-- it's usually her disappointed eyes looking back at him or worse... her body the night of the outbreak when he failed her the worst he ever has. Wanted to save her and keep her safe so fucking badly... and he couldn't.
Tess!? Why are you even bringing her up!? Why did Joel even admit to it in the first place!? He should have just told you no earlier but he's working on not keeping things from you. Not lying to you-- so he gave you an honest answer and now you wanna hear about the only other woman who he ever had a connection with since the outbreak- since his ex wife-- really. Joel had always been fine getting laid but that's all he wanted. Tess came along and was just as hardened as he was... there were never talks about life before the outbreak-- just how to stay alive n' make money. That was it. Sex with Tess was fun-- she liked what Joel liked but that was it. A shared connection of trauma and not wanting to fuckin' sleep alone anymore. She was comforting all those years. Joel could have loved her if things had been different but they hadn't. All those things he did in the past led him right here to you.
Joel liked listening to you talk about your life before the outbreak-- he doesn't really because you were fifteen and he was thirty-two with a child... probably would have babysat for him if he knew you! It freaks him out but now he looks at you and your womanly shape and your perfect fuckin' lips. Thinks about your delicious pussy. Thinks about every single time you two laughed on the road and how you held hands in front of Ellie and really for the first time outside of him leading you somewhere to get fucked... and wonders if everything you did led you right to him.
“Do you regret it? Sayin’ yes to me? Comin’ with me to Salt Lake?” Joel turns now– his whole body so you’re no longer behind him but beside him. “Honestly?” His brown eyes search your face for the answer before you can speak it to him. He finds it in your eyes and wraps his arms around your waist. “Mean it?”
You smirk down at him for not needing to wait for you to say your answer to him. You wrap your arms around his neck carefully and look down into his perfect brown eyes that are soft now that he had been lost in memory or though for so long.
“Meeting you was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me. I’m finally… living… now, I think?” You lean into him. He tilts his head to the side gently as he leans in to nuzzle his nose into yours. You lean down to meet him and move the tip of your nose against his gently.
“Whaddya mean?” He murmurs softly. His warm breath teases your lips and you inhale him in. He is home. This is home, with him. Wherever he is, as long as your girls are with you... Joel is home.
“I was just goin’ through the motions before.” You press your mouth to his gently and breath in his long, deep sigh. You barely pull away before you speak again. “This is hard, you’re right. S’worth it though– to be here with you like this.” You close your eyes as his hand moves up and down your back slowly. “I'm never gonna hurt you again. You're my forever, Joel Miller. I mean it.”
Joel pushes himself to his knees on the bed so his body can be flush against yours. His mouth moves against yours desperately in open mouth kisses with flurries of searching tongues. “I love you so much, lil girl. My little Bird.” He whispers as he wraps his arm around your back tightly so he can ease you down onto the bed below him. Joel grips the hem of your t-shirt and pushes it up to just under the curve of your breasts. "So soft." He murmurs against your skin as he drags his lips up the length of your torso.
Joel wants to be inside of you so badly. He needs to feel close to you but something is telling him that he can't. His body won't allow it...physically. The only other time he's ever had this happen is with his ex-wife...after she hit him. Like he was too afraid to get a hard on because that would set her off too even though she was the one stroking him and trying to perform her apology. Joel kisses up your stomach and between your chest over your t-shirt. He looks down into your big, wet doe eyes and his cock twitches slightly but that's it.
He reaches down between you two and slips two fingers into your folds and watches as you mouth opens slightly as you stare back up at him. Joel is ashamed that he can't fuck you. He's just too nervous and all this talk of the past is making him and keeping him soft.
"S'wrong?" You sweet n' perfect voice jolt Joel out of his weird-sexless-trance and he snaps his focus back onto your eyes. "We don't have to. I just like being close to you." You whisper up to him and now his stomach pangs with guilt because the last time Joel ever turned you down for sex it sent you spiraling into the deepest depression he had ever seen someone go in and you're still trying to crawl out of that hole so now he's even more nervous and will never be able to put his dick inside you. What the fuck?
"Nothin's wrong." Joel lies to your beautiful eyes and kisses your lips gently. "Nothin'." Joel wants to tell you that he's hurting. Regardless of the words and the nice promises and the forgiveness... he fuckin' hurts. He didn't let Ellie in the bathroom to help him with the scratches and cuts on his back because he was fuckin' weeping in there. Crying like a bitch that his wife lost her mind but how can Joel say those things to you when you're looking up at him with those eyes? He see's into them right now that you're still suffering-- even after the talk and the touching... you still suffer and he can't add to that? How? He just wants his happy wife back. Telling you those things won't make you happy. It'll make you sad.
Oh my god. He's fucking hovering over you and he's just staring down at you and you can feel his soft cock pressed against your thigh and his fingers are practically inside you...but nothing is happening. Oh my god. You're going back into the bathroom and moving right the fuck into the dry tub! Oh my god. It's happening again!! The thing!! He doesn't wanna fuck you again and that was the only thing really keeping you going besides your daughters was that your husband was attracted to you again and wanted to fuck you all the time! Now he's just staring at you and you're getting war flashbacks from almost six months ago when he'd be on top of you like this...thrusting slowly and just staring down at you.
"S'wrong?" You try and sound so nice and so gentle because you don't want him to feel attacked or whatever he might feel if you talk about why is cock is still soft and not ramming into your cervix. "We don't have to. I just like being close to you." You utterly quietly because you are embarrassed. Joel just stares at you for a couple moments before he speaks...nervously.
"Nothin's wrong." You can see the lies all in his brown eyeballs-- being muddied up with lies! "Nothin'." You can see it all over his face that he has more to say and you wanna shake him and tell him to spit it out because nothing is going to change if he stays quiet and goes back to fucking you boring. You can't get fucked like that again...it'll kill you. Kill your soul n' spirit.
"Would you tell me if there was?" You whisper up to him as he pulls his fingers from within your velvet. He sucks them into his mouth as you speak and your walls clench around... nothing because he's still soft, pressed against your inner thigh. He nods silently with his fingers soaked in your slickness in his mouth. "I don't believe you." You mouth up to him. He pulls his fingers from his mouth and traces along your lips with his still wet middle finger.
"Whaddya want me to say, Birdie?" Joel sounds distressed and anxious and you can see now in his muddy brown eyes that he looks sad again. His finger pulls gently at your bottom lip.
"The truth." You murmur as your lip bounces back into place.
"I can't get it up for y'right now. Nerves." Joel whispers back to you against your lips.
OKAY!? He could go back to saying no words during sex ever again and closing his eyes, honestly. He could never speak and never look at you again and it would feel better than what he just told you. What!? Does he wanna see you rent space in the dry tub? Is that what this is?
"Oh." You breathe it out before you can stop it but Joel is kissing you gently and trying to make you feel better before that punched right in the pussy feeling has time to really kick in.
"Just tonight. The things we were talkin' 'bout an' everything." You think Joel is lying to you right now. Telling you something you'd like to hear so you don't go lock yourself in the bathroom. Joel rolls off of you and pulls you into him so he can fit comfortably behind you. "Still think yer' th' sexist Bird I ever met." Joel whispers to you.
You lay awake all night!?
Joel has your hand in his, he's taking you for a walk around town after a very hot n' heavy make out session this morning to prove to you that he still found you attractive and didn't hate you. He holds Nora in the crook of his other arm. Ellie is causing chaos with Dina somewhere...being a kid. You told her to go look for footballs and soccer balls in abandoned garages. You feel...only slightly better about what happened last night to Joel's penis. You hope you didn't break it.
“So you told Ellie that we’d go on a trip to the city of Jackson? Me n’ her and Tommy?” You smirk up at him and Joel closes his eyes and sighs.
“I forgot to tell you ‘bout that.” Joel groans softly and squeezes your hand. “Y’don’t have to go. I’ll go with her. I know you’re strugglin’.” He opens his eyes and smiles with guilt entangled into it, along with sorrow and ‘please forgive me’ all snagged inside.
“I’ll go. I think it would be fun. Take the truck up there? Make it there n’ back in a day…maybe overnight depending on how bad the highway is up there.” You shrug your shoulders and feel a smile coming to your face. You have another reason to want to go to Jackson but this is something you will keep to yourself.
“Really?” Joel sounds impressed and also shocked by this turn of events. “Offered that before you woke up from your nap that day…so I forgot ‘bout it…n’ then didn’t think you’d really wanna go after that.” Joel sighs and leans down to press his lips to your temple.
“Yeah. I think it’d be good for me.” You smile as he lingers, breathing you in as he holds the kiss against you.
“Good. Bug seemed real excited ‘bout it.” He murmurs softly but Joel rips his head away from yours when a sharp whistle from the gate side of the wall cuts through the quiet morning in town. A single shiver shoots down your spine as you see Joel put his hand on the pistol on his belt.
“What is it?” You take Nora from him as he takes a step slightly in front of you– putting himself between you and the gate.
“Dunno. No gunfire. Nothin’ serious I don’t think.” Joel’s brows are furrowed and he’s glaring at the men on top of the wall as his gaze darts between the gate and their position up top.
“They’re opening it?” Your mouth falls open as the gate begins to swing open. Joel’s body stiffens against yours.
“Stay here.” He mutters and takes off towards the gate! What!? Why is he so constantly trying to put space between the two of you when something bad happens? You watch him run over there and honestly, hope he falls or stumbles or something because why is he leaving!?
“What the fuck?” It’s whispers to you and Nora only as the gate opens full and two people stumble in. Covered in what looks like blood and mud. They look like they're in rough shape... you know one of them though.
“Ken?” You cannot believe this. Joel told you that Ken did not make it. That Ken died in an attempt to save your baby and husband. You are attempting to run– as much as your leg will allow– because he looks hurt, so badly hurt and broken. He is almost crawling and the man behind him– Gary– is struggling to even get into the gate. There is commotion now. People rushing to help their fallen neighbors.
You cannot even get to him before there are too many people around him and you’re being pushed to the edge of the circle of people. You can’t hear or see anything other than the backs of people's heads and incoherent murmurs and gasps of disbelief.
It isn’t until the next day that you finally get to see Ken and Gary. They had both been beaten within an inch of their life and left to die up on the roof of the hospital by those raiders.
“Said they was lookin’ t’come back and finish what they started.” Ken is whispering to your group. The main ones now. Maria and Tommy. You and Joel. Now… Gary and his wife Suzie, apparently. Connie and Lucas are home... Connie is getting hit hard by her pregnancy right now. Joel and you stopped over before coming to the hospital to check on her and the doctor has her in bed until she gives birth. Poor girl.
“Don’t have the weapons to fight ‘em off. They had explosives and M-60’s. Military grade weapons. FEDRA issued but they weren’t military.” Gary explains.
“Fireflies? Raiders?” You look at Joel for answers but he shrugs.
“Dunno. Not worried ‘bout who they are. Worried ‘bout what they’re gon’ do.” He shakes his head slowly and then looks at Tommy and says something to his brother in some weird, eye-talking-sibling-code you've seen them use before. You hate it. What is he saying!? What are they conversing about with just their eyes!?
“I heard ‘em say they were headed back up to Seattle. Dunno if they wanted me to hear it but, I did— thinkin’ they thought I was already dead.” Gary nods and his wife sobs at his bedside. He got beaten worse than Ken and had a couple broken ribs and a fractured orbital socket, a patch over his badly damaged eyeball. “They were talkin’ ‘bout restockin’, gettin’ their manpower back up ‘fore they came down here n’ tried it again.” He talks like he wasn't just almost beaten to death.
“How long you think we got ‘till they come back?” Tommy leans forward and rests his hands on his knees after finishing his silent-eye conversation with your husband. You glare at both of them for only a moment before pulling your gaze back to the two bruised men.
“Dunno. They were all on foot unless they had horses stashed away. Didn’t look like it though the way they moved out.” Ken cuts in for Gary who is touching Suzie’s face gently, trying to get her to stop crying. They’re an older couple. Gary is probably in his late sixties and Suzie…late fifties to early sixties. They’re a nice couple who works hard. You feel bad this happened to him. Suzie is probably mad at you. She is. She lets you know. She's muttering to Gary and he's quietly trying to calm her down.
“So are we all just ignoring the fact that your husband left mine to die on the roof of that hospital?” She turns to you before Gary can grab her face silence her.
“I’m sorry.” You whisper with your eyes on the ground. Suzie can go chew on rocks. Making you feel bad for something you had no control over.
“You both should be!” She snaps angrily.
“Sue, fuckin’ knock it off.” Gary snaps back at her from the bed. She pulls her hand away from his and turns her body to look at everyone sitting around her husbands hospital room. You stare at her with nervous eyes.
“No. I won’t. Joel and Tommy took the roles as the leaders of this town, but then Joel can just abandon my husband– someone who Gary calls a friend— to die at the hand of some fuckin’ raiders?” She is upset and crying and she is sitting right beside you so she is directing all of this anger right at you.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. I didn’t know what was happening out there. I was stuck in here with Nora.” You finally tear your gaze away from Suzie who is still crying and she has her hands clenched into fists at her sides.
“You should have gone with your husband. No one else. There were doctors here who would have kept your baby safe. Now my husband might lose his fuckin’ eye because of your coward of a husband.” She hisses at you angrily and stands now. She has her knees pressed against yours and is glaring down at you.
It’s at this moment you’re wondering why no one is trying to remove her from right in front of you… but then it kinda hits you. She is Gary’s wife. No other guy in here is going to put his hands on her to try and remove her when her husband is here... albeit indisposed in a hospital bed… it must be a muscle reflex to just let a woman's husband take care of it. Your eyes flash to Joel who is glaring at the back of Suzie’s head in frustration.
This is when Maria stands up and grab the older woman's hand, trying to pull her from towering over you. You still haven’t stood up. Mostly because if you did…you’d be face to face with a sixty year old woman…close enough to kiss her really. Suzie pulls her hand from Maria’s and clenches it back into a fist at her side.
“C’mon. Suzie. You have a right to be mad but you’re taking it out on the wrong person.” Maria whispers into her ear. “Bird had a sick kid she wanted to save.” Suzie rips her hand and head away from Maria’s and now she flicks her eyes between the you two mothers.
“Fuckin’ pathetic. Who has a baby in the fucking apocalypse? Morons. Sad excuses for mothers. Both of you.” She chuckles and now Maria and you both are frozen there with your jaws to your chest. “Who would bring a baby into this?” She whispers it so quietly and so fast with tears threatening to spill from her eyes. “Selfish.”
“Shut the fuck up.” You snap and now you do stand, ready to kiss and then fight this sixty year old bitch. Your noses touch and your chests rub together in the least sexual way. You can smell the coffee she drank earlier. You wonder if she can smell your jam you had for breakfast. You whisper the next words to her so only the three of you women standing can hear. “Do you want us to fuckin' kill you?”
Maria takes one step closer to Suzie so all three of you are touching chests. Your eyes are locked onto the older woman's, but her eyes flash between you and Maria quickly. “We will.” Maria whispers over Gary’s shouts at the three other men in the room. Everyone had just stayed sitting because nothing happened. Just words. No fists being thrown but Gary know’s what’s coming, apparently.
Suzie pulls her hand back and brings her open palm across your cheek. You and Maria are so close it sends your head reeling into Maria’s skull with a dull thud. Maria doesn’t fucking flinch. She is on top of Suzie before you realize that you’ve been bitch slapped. You’re stunned for half a second and now you’re on the floor with Maria on top of Suzie. Maria is straddling her chest and you're beside Maria on the left. There’s no punching. You don’t really want to hurt this older woman, but you are slapping the fuck out of her. Maria has one hand in Suzie’s graying hair– gripping it tightly and shaking her head back and forth wildly as she… half punches and half slaps Suzie.
You know that both of you could easily knock the lights out of this woman. You want to so badly but… she is old. And you’re not filled with rage… just pissed off. How dare she slap you!?
Someone’s hands are on your shoulders and you give Suzie one good chop right to her throat before Joel can pull you off of her completely. Suzie chokes and sputters as Tommy and Ken pull Maria off of her.
“S’what you get! Th’ fuck!?” Gary is yelling down at Suzie on the floor who isn’t crying anymore. Just choking and looking shocked. Joel is growling in your ear as he drags you out of the hospital room.
“She’s jus’ upset ‘bout her husband! She’s older’n me for fucks sake!” Joel sounds pissed. You're pissed! What the fuck did she say about you and Maria!?
“She shouldn’t have opened her fucking stupid, old fucking mouth!” You shout back into the hospital room. “Old fucking bitch!”
“Hag!” Maria spits as Tommy pulls her out of the room behind you and Joel. You’re both fuming and you can feel the heat in your cheeks. Joel and Tommy set you and Maria right beside each other right outside the room Gary, Suzie and Ken are still inside of.
“What the fuck!? Birdie finally stands up for herself, and you pull her off?" Maria is glaring at Joel. "Sounds about right. Don’t let her stand up to you, or anyone else.” Maria looks Joel up and down. You blink and your chest is pressed against hers in your newfound bubbling rage. Boiling and popping in you like lava bubbles. What the fuck did she just say? What!? You two were just fighting together and now you’re focusing all of your energy on to her.
“Keep my fuckin’ name out of your mouth.” You hiss at her and now…she is pressing her chest into yours. Tommy and Joel are trying desperately to pull you two apart in the medical center hallway. “Keep opening your mouth without knowing what th’ fuck yer’ talkin’ about.” You snarl at her. Your eyes are locked onto hers. Her pupils are unmoving as she stares at you right back.
“Sound bitter that you married an asshole.” She whispers to you softly. You smirk at her. Tommy sighs forcefully and pulls Maria two steps back as Joel tries to yank you backwards by your shoulders.
“You sound like Tommy doesn’t lick your cunt.” You keep smirking through your own whispers. Maria’s mouth falls open for half a second before she snaps her jaw shut. You chuckle softly and keep smirking. “Aww, am I right? Do you have a stinky pussy?” You ask her sadly. Like it’s the most heartbreaking news ever been delivered to you. Maria’s own smirk grows on her face. It gives you goosebumps.
“Do you fall asleep wondering if you're a bad mom? I don't. I know I'm a good mom.” She is grinning and now there is rage. Blinding rage behind your skull and just the most blood red in your eyes you’ve ever experienced for the second time. Tommy grounds loudly and presses his mouth to Maria’s ear and loudly says into it.
“Yer’ takin’ it way to fuckin’ far, Mar. Stop’it. Knock it off.” He is almost shouting directly into her ear but Maria doesn’t even flinch. Joel has been pulling you backwards towards another room, an empty room.
Joel pushes you inside and you stumble slightly and now he’s in front of you. His chest pushing against yours with force until your back is pressed tightly to the wall. The space between his thumb and index finger presses tightly under your jaw and he pins you to the wall. He puts no pressure on your neck– the pressure comes from his forearm on your sternum. He pushes up on your neck, tilting your gaze up to his.
“Shhh.” He whispers softly. “You are a good mom. A great one. Stop n’ breathe.” His tone is firm but he speaks quietly. “We don’t fight family.” He growls now against your mouth.
"You fought Tommy!" You try and argue but he pushes against your chest a little harder and applies slight pressure to your neck.
"S'over n' done with when we fight. This wouldn't get let go. Knock it off." Joel is still quietly snarling against your lips. Joel leans forward and drags his lips against yours carefully. “Let that shit go right now. Ya both were just real heated.” He murmurs against your mouth.
You are a puddle against the wall. Your legs are barely supporting you as your hands search mindlessly for something to hold on to. It’s his wrist with one hand and his shoulder with the other. Joel continues to talk as you stay silent between him and the wall. You try and argue back but the only sound that comes out is a whimper. Not even from the pressure he has on your neck, just because your body is buzzing and your legs are fucking jelly. Your pussy is screaming at him to touch you.
“Shhhhh, lil girl. You’re okay. Daddy’s got you.” He’s rumbling deep in his chest but it’s so quiet. Almost a whisper. It’s like the purr of a savannah cat. You can feel it in your whole body. You are still a puddle and quickly becoming more fluid against the wall. “Y’gon’ listen t’me or do I need to take y’home right now? Punish you?”
You want him to take you home! What!? What kind of question even is that!? Who even is Maria!? What fight?
“I’ll listen but I want you to take me home anyway.” You pur up to him. Joel softens against you and he smirks.
“Naughty.” He grins now and kisses you softly. “Later.” He steals another peck from your desperate lips. "Go say yer' sorry." And then the pressure on your chest is gone and his hand from underneath your chin is trailing down your neck and between your breasts. He does that all the way to your belly and then he stops and presses the flat of his palm against and says nothing, just stares down at you with his mouth still held gently to yours. "I love you."
Maria is waiting for you in the hallway when Joel leads you by the hand back out towards Gary’s room. She looks apologetic. She is extending her hand to you before you even get close and she’s talking fast.
“I’m sorry. I am. I get so mad and say dumb fucking shit.” Maria sounds ashamed of herself as you place your hand in hers.
“We all do, apparently. I'm sorry, too.” You smirk at her. You two make up in that moment because Maria is your friend. Your sister-in-law. You wanna ask her right now if she ever dealt with postpartum depression. You hold it in, hold it back because that isn’t an appropriate question to ask right now.
Suzie is licking her wounds beside Gary’s bed. Nothing bad, she isn’t even bleeding. Just messy hair and a torn shirt collar. You wonder who did that and when. She looks apologetic too. Good. You’re not apologizing to anyone. You were just minding your own damn business!!
“Birdie…I’m sorry. Gary offered… Joel didn’t even have to ask. Ken told him what was going on an’ he just shot into action. I should’a never blamed you two.” She has sorrow in her eyes.
“I get it. I was mad that my husband wanted to go and it was for our baby.” You sit down beside her and take her hands in yours. “Joel wouldn’t have left them if it wasn’t for the fact that Nora was going to die…” You whisper the words and almost throw up on her. It’s hard to say even now that Nora was home with Ellie, already sounding so much less congested. Happy Worm the way he was before she got sick.
“I know. Tommy n’ Joel are good men. Jus’ scary… hearin’ all that– what those people are gonna do.” She is shaking like a leaf in your hands. You nod at her and try to keep your voice steady.
“I know–”
“I have an idea.” Ken doesn’t let you finish. “F’anyone is interested.” He’s crossing his arms over his chest and flicking his eyes between everyone in the room.
“Let’s hear it.” Tommy sits down where he had been before as does everyone else.
“We might not have the weapons to fight ‘em here…” Ken trails off for anticipation and you could throw you chair at him. “S’an old military bunker n’ weapons base between Bozeman and Billings Montana… Been there once way back in the day. Last I heard of it after the outbreak… locked up. Bunch’a weapons still inside but impossible to get too because of the infected. Bombs went off all around ther—”
Your jaw is hanging the fuck open. Barely attached to your face anymore because… you’ve fucking been there.
“I know exactly where that is…” You sigh without even realizing you said anything. All eyes are on you now and you realize what you’ve done. They’re waiting for you to explain yourself. You stutter for a second and then spit it out. “My dad and I said just outside that bunker for almost two months when we crossed back over into the states from Canada.” Your eyes are wide and you can’t believe the words coming out of your mouth even though they are in fact the truth.
“What?” Joel doesn’t believe it. Neither does Tommy and he doesn’t even have to say anything. It’s blatantly obvious with the look on his face.
“My dad tried every day to get in there… dig his way in… smash… shoot.” You remember him almost breaking his shoulder on that metal door. The bullet that ricochetted off that same door that caught you right in the side of the calf. Felt like a paper cut but you were so mad at your dad for that. He laughed!! Thought it was hilarious how you jumped seven feet in the air and took off running like you got shot at by the enemy. He had to chace you for three minutes before he got a hold of your backpack and yanked you to the ground.
“S’impossible. You’d need explosives.” Ken is smirking at you. “I got a couple grenades and some sticks of dynamite.” He shrugs one shoulder at you. “F’Birdie could get me there… I’ll get us the weapons to protect this place. Every single person here would be strapped to hell n’ back.” Ken looks at Joel and Tommy now– who are still staring at you. Suzie is holding Gary’s hand and you don’t know if she is really paying attention.
“I’d go. I’d love to see what the inside looks like. Never got the chance before.” You smirk back at Ken and then look at Joel who is scowling at you with his tight brows. You roll your eyes at him and sigh. “What? You were gonna let me take Ellie to Jackson!” You exclaim. He shakes his head silently. “Oh, stop’it. I wanna go– wanna do this.” Joel shakes his head from side to side the entire time you speak.
“No.” He finally spits out and looks at Ken when he speaks again. “How’d you know it’s even still got weapons in it.” Joel sounds unimpressed with his friend. Ken scoffs, offended.
“You heard yer’ wife. Her pops spent two months trynna get in there. Couldn’t. I could.” Ken smiles now with faith in himself.
“Y’think yer’ the only one with grenades and dynamite that rolled across that bunker since then?” Joel flicks his eyebrows up at Ken. Ken shrugs.
“Dunno. Can’t hurt to try. If Im rememberin’ correctly– heavy artillery in there. Flame throwers, gatlin’s… more explosives probably.” Ken shrugs. “Only reason that it was locked up– from the inside– was ‘cause of the infected that was movin’ on that territory–”
“S’real hard to get to… the bombs made big craters all around it. Took me n’ my dad like.. Four days just to move through all those fuckin’ holes. Big metal door right in the middle though.” You explain for Ken.
“Military did that on purpose. Made it hard to get to in the first place ‘cause it’s a weapons bunker. Made it even harder to get to once they abandoned those inside of it. Doubt whoever locked themselves in is still alive. Once you lock it from the inside…can’t get out. Need a key n’ a code from the outside to get back in.” Ken finished and further explains what happens in a military bunker you have nothing but ideas about.
“Yer’ not fuckin’ goin’.” Joel snaps at you as you continue to nod at Ken.
“Why!? You were just gonna let me go to Jackson! You were gonna send me n’ Ellie up there. Why not now? That group’s movin’ back to Seattle. Who cares!? If we don’t do this then they’re just gonna come back n’ kill us all anyway, Joel.” You exclaim angrily. “I’m the only one who has ever been there besides Ken.” You point to the ex-militia man beside your husband.
“No.” Joel growls.
“I’m fuckin’ goin’. You can stay here with the girls for once.” You growl back at him.
“Thinkin’ this is probably a conversation you two should be havin’ alone. Whoever decides to go, the other one of us goin’ with you.” Maria pipes in and Tommy’s head snaps to her in alarm.
“What!?” He exclaims. Maria nods.
“If Joel goes with Ken… then I go with ‘em. If Birdie goes… you go. It’s only fair– safer.” Maria continues to nod and looks between you and Joel. You are staring at him.
“I’m going. I’m doing this.” You tap your chest as you speak to him softly. “Me.”
“No, I’ll go—” Joel shakes his head from side to side and you feel the heat behind your cheeks, and it’s not blood behind your eyes but a pale pink in comparison to that angry red you’ve seen before.
“Shut up. I mean it. I’m going. I need this.”
Joel does not speak another word to you until you two are walking home down a secluded path from the medical center park to the housing tract. He had been walking beside you with his hand pressed softly into your lower back. Once you’re hidden within this quiet path with trees on both sides he pushes you forward with a little force. You take two stumbling steps before he has both hands on your waist and now he’s pulling you backwards against him. Your back is pressed tightly to his chest and he’s already grinding his hips into ass.
“S’fucking disrespectful.” Joel is like a tidal wave as his body takes over yours completely. You are being held against him so tightly and it feels so good. You don’t even care if he is mad at you. “Lucky I fuckin’ love you lettin’ you talk t’me that way in there.” He doesn’t even sound mad anymore honestly. He’s growling directly into your ear but his lips are soft and gentle as kisses where the gland where your jaw and earlobe meet.
“Sorry.” You sigh softly. You can barely even speak that out as you feel his growing erection grating against you between both yours and his jeans. He moves so slow up and down and so slightly it’s almost like he’s not moving at all. The pressure he’s digging into you with is what’s making him breathe out airily into your ear canal.
“Sorry, what?” Joel’s fingers bite into your hips bullishly as he drags his lips down your cheek. “Who am I?” He whispers as pecks at the corner of your mouth. You instinctively turn your head to meet his warmth and wetness as he kisses you gently. You murmur into his mouth because he doesn’t let you pull back– you can’t, the back of your head is pressed against his shoulder and he’s jutting it out so you can’t pull away. He presses his mouth against yours tightly as the word gets lost in the kiss.
“Daddy.”
Joel rips his mouth away from yours and stares down at you. “S’right. I’m Daddy. Always.” His hips are pushing into your ass so tightly– and his fingers are digging into you so hard it almost hurts but your whole body is buzzing as he breathes against your mouth once again. “You ever miss gettin’ fucked outside, lil girl? Huh?” He leans in and kisses you as you nod promptly to his question. Is he going to do it!? He got a hard on for you!? Are you serious!?? Today is the best day. The best fuckin' day and you could jump for joy.
Joel chuckles as he pushes you forward with his hips and lets your waist go. You are stunned and forget how to walk. You are just staring at him in horror. What!?
“What!?” You exclaim as he starts to walk past you, leaving you standing in the path that you two once fought in. Told him you were starting to hate him. It was snowing and cold then and now it’s just wet. Rains most of the day but there’s no snow… no freezing chill in the air. Just a cool breeze as he leaves you standing there, staring at him. "Aren't you going to---" He cuts you off.
“Ain’t slowin’ down. Better hurry up since y’can’t run.” Joel calls out teasingly over his shoulder and now you’re even more stunned. You limp to catch up to him as hastily as you can.
“Are you going to let me go to the bunk–” You start as Joel slows his pace so you can walk beside him again. His hand finds yours as he cuts you off.
“When have I ever told you no?” Joel looks down at you seriously. “Have you really not gotten anything n’ everything you ever wanted?” He’s not smiling, looks a little pissed off about this fact. You’re racking your brain trying to think about a time he’s told you no. Really… never given you something you asked for. You got to spank him!! Whip him with an old electrical cable! Let you go talk to Jackie in the basement! Let you go see Ava’s creepy fuckin’ house and your old n’ bloodied bedroom.
He really has never said no to you now that you think back on it. Not really.
“Sorry I told you to shut up. I was just—”
“Mad. I know. Don’t gotta explain that t’me. I’ve told you to shut up a whole bunch.” Joel nods and leans down to kiss the side of your head as you head back home. Ellie and Dina are watching Nora and causing chaos in this small town you call home.
You’ll do anything to save this slice of heaven carved out by and for your family in the woods.
“How have things been at home? I heard that Ken and Gary came home. That’s wonderful news.” Patti smiles at you. You’re not in the chairs today. She’s on one side of her counter and you’re sitting on a bar stool across from her.
“I dunno. I feel bad for what I did but Joel seems so forgiving.” You speak into your cup of tea and sigh- ignoring the talks to Ken and Gary. You had just been at the medical center and are embarrassed about what happened there so you don't want to even think about it. “I feel like he shouldn’t forgive me for this.” You press your lips together tightly. You wanna tell her that he can't get an erection with you anymore. You could cry about it and you feel bad for Patti for having to constantly listen to you talk about your husbands cock. So you keep that part to yourself.
“That’s normal. You stow away the guilt. We talked about this. You’re punishing yourself.” She explains carefully. She was very firm with you last time…she needed to be. Patti is your therapist again right now.
“How do I stop punishing myself and move on from it?” You are so desperate to feel like a normal person again. The scratching…the little digging inside your brain is just getting louder and louder.
“It’s a long and treacherous road. Sometimes it’s not always pretty.” She warns but you shrug your shoulders.
“Neither is a lobotomy…but I’m at the end of my rope, Patti. I dunno what else to do.” You whisper quietly.
“You need to be kind to yourself… first and foremost. It’s the hardest and most difficult step in moving past guilt and shame.” She nods at you even though your eyes are still locked onto your cooling cup of tea.
“Okay. Then what?” You cannot do that right now. There are more steps you must be able to take before you can think about being kind… to yourself? Okay, Patti. Did she see Joel’s back?
“Acknowledge that you feel guilty. Keep talking about why you feel this way… all the reasons you might have. It helps you understand what is causing you hold on to the guilt– and how it’s affecting you. That’s important too. You feel guilty for something you’ve done– before… but it’s still affecting you regardless– now.” Patti speaks again… like it is just so simple to do that.
“So I just keep bringing up this traumatic event to my husband so that he can’t forget it either?” You snort in defeat, followed by a big sigh.
“He’ll never forget it. Neither will you. Pretending like it didn’t happen will continue to fracture your relationship.” She whispers to you in warning. “He forgave you though. He came home from Don's and said that he did. Being kind to yourself also means forgiving yourself humbly. Forgetting is not humble.” Patti's eyes are kind. You know she had to forgive you. You ripped one of her favorite, most consistently worn sweaters. Messed up her nice hair and probably hit her too, but you don't remember. She hasn't said if you have or not. Isn't trying to add to your trauma.
“What else?” You choke back the tears because none of this seems possible. The knowledge that this isn't forgettable- this isn't something that can just be tossed aside and acted like it never happened-- makes you want to die. Really. To know that he will look at you and always see the woman who hurt him. You had never hurt him before that. You think the most you ever hurt him was when you told him you were starting to hate him. Went and topped it with this.
“Instead of this mistake being the main focus of your relationship with him… get back to the root of why you two fell in love. You said sex… but you also tell me how much you two laugh with each other–”
“Joel has such a good laugh.” You chuckle to yourself thinking about it. It rumbles deep inside of him before he really lets it out. It bounces around in chest before he can’t keep it contained. It’s perfect and fits him so well. “Yeah. We do laugh. Use to.” You whisper sadly.
“Do things with him that make you smile.” Patti still has nice, kind eyes and seems so comfortable here with an abuser.
“If we were back in the old world… what would you have prescribed me? To fix all this?” You to look at Patti now with sad eyes. “What kinda pill could take this all away?”
“Sertraline… maybe paroxetine… Zoloft or Paxil was the big one for PPD when I was in school.” Patti nods to you and then her eyes flash for a moment. “Why?” She asks now, curiously.
“Just doesn’t seem possible that a pill could fix all of this.”
You’re gonna look for it though. Both of them when you go up to that bunker. You’re gonna make a little pit stop of your own to a pharmacy and hope no one cleared out the stash of whatever the fuck was going to make your brain go back to fucking normal.
Notes:
^ I know this is from Narcos.... but we can pretend for like three seconds that bush is Joel Miller... c'mon... see the picture I'm painting?
and as always now, connect with me ontumblr
You guys are seriously so amazing with all of your inspiring comments. Really. I hope you never stop loving the Miller family as much as I do. Their journey together has become so important to me <3 As have all of you reading!! <33
Chapter 35: Twin Sized Mattress
Summary:
This is for the wiry broke down frames of my friends bodies...
When the flood waters come, it ain't gonna be clear; it's gonna look like mud,
but I will help you swim. I will help you swim.
I'm gonna help you swim.
Notes:
Trigger Warning for those of you who need one for: suicidal idealizations, self-hate talk, and just all around sad shit n' some smuutt.
twin sized mattress- the front bottoms
I dunno if these song lyrics are gonna be my last or if I'm gonna keep doin' it. I love it!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Hey, Bug.” You smile at Ellie as she comes into the living room from being with Dina. You had just gotten home from Patti’s and Joel had gone to Tommy’s for a while. You’re trying to get Nora to walk on her own. She has her growing brown curls tied up in a bow on top of her head. She’s getting there. Taking a few steps before she topples over.
“Ooo, she’s close.” Ellie flick her eyebrows up as she leans over the back of the chair. She smiles back at you. “She’s gonna get into everything once she starts moving.” Ellie grumbles like this is going to affect her.
“All your shit is upstairs… we don’t have much stuff El. Did you find anything good the other day with Dina in the garages?” You flick your eyebrows back at her. She shrugs.
“Couple of bikes but the air is flat. Dad says he can fix ‘em for us. Found a couple of baseball mitts and a baseball but it’s real fuckin’ big.” She widens her eyes and holds her hands out in a circle as an example.
“Oh. A softball.” You correct her. She shakes her head with still wide eyes.
“This thing wasn’t fuckin’ soft. It was hard as hell.” She exclaims. You nod.
“Yeah, I dunno why they call it that. But it’s called softball. I used to play when I was in school.” You nod in memory– you weren’t the best hitter but you could pitch a softball through a couple of bricks if you fuckin’ really put the oommph into it. She smirks at you and tilts her head to the side.
“Teach me n’ Dina?” She raises her eyebrows now and keeps them up. You chuckle and nod your head.
“Your dad can help too. Did you guys find a bat?” You give her a questioning look. Ellie shrugs.
“Didn’t look for one. Didn’t even grab all that stuff, just the bikes. Dina and I will go back tomorrow though and grab all that stuff and look for a bat.” You nod towards the chair she’s standing behind and leaning on.
“Sit.” You keep your lips tight and sight. She frowns and rolls her eyes and walks around the chair and flops into it.
“What?” She gives you attitude. You roll your eyes back at her as Nora walks using the couch as support.
“You know how we were supposed to go to the city together?” You whisper to her with sadness in your voice. Ellie throws her arms up and sighs loudly.
“Of course. We never fuckin’ do anything.” She’s shaking her head and avoiding your eyes. “Fuckin’ gettin’ lied to—”
“Hey!” You snap at her in frustration because you knew this was coming. Ellie stops and stares at you. “I want you to come. We’re not just going to the city though. N’ were not taking the truck so it’s just hard, Bug.” You try and explain kindly but she doesn’t seem to be understanding.
“So…you’re just going to leave me here? To watch Nora? Cool. For how long?” She snaps back at you. You shake your head from side to side slowly.
“Dad is going to stay. I’m going. With Ken and Uncle Tommy. Two more guys from patrol– Jeff and Daniel.” You nod at her now. “Dad is going to be here with you. He needs you here more than you need him.” You smirk at her but she doesn’t smirk back. “Connie needs you too. She’s going through it right now not being able to get out of bed.”
“She has Dina, and Dad is just fine without me. He does good with Nora, give him some credit.” She is so snappy.
“Was just tryin’ to make you feel better.” You scoff under your breath. “It’s gonna be a long trip. We’re not stopping as much as the three of us did on the way to Salt Lake.”
“Don’t care. I wanna come.” She is stone faced. You close your eyes and sigh softly.
“We can go another time. Just me n’ you. Somewhere fun. Like you did with Joel for your birthday last year.” You smile at her. “Another fun gift outside the wall for your birthday this year but I’ll take you. In the truck. We’ll go wherever you want as long as the truck gets us there.” You plead with her in these talks of four months time.
“No.”
“S’not safe for us to be out there together, SqueakerBug. It’s really not.” You shrug your shoulders again as Nora crawls into your lap. “She’s gonna be need someone to show her how to be cool if anything happens to me,” You hold the baby up to her. “Joel will ruin her.” You peek around the baby now. “He’s not cool at all.” Ellie smirks now.
“He’s alright. Good shot with the pistol.” Ellie’s smirk grows into a smile.
“I guess. He’s good for a laugh.”
“How far away is that beach you told me about the other night?” She speaks quietly and you frown sadly.
“Far.” You sigh. “Back where you and Joel came from almost.”
“Really?” She sounds shocked that something so beautiful had been so close to her.
“Eh, not close. Just the same coast. Chesapeake is down in Maryland I think. My grandma used to live in this place called Romancoke.” You laugh.
“Why is that funny?” Ellie gives you a wrinkled up face, not understanding why that would be funny.
“Used to be a drink back in the day called Rum n’ Coke. It was good, I had a sip of one once. But her town or whatever it was always reminded me of Rum’nCoke– Romancoke.” You smile at her now at the memory of your grandma asking on the drive back from your house in Jersey if you were ready for a summer with Grammy Nor in Rum’N’Coke. You always were.
“S’close to the beach?” She asks softly as to not interrupt your fun memory.
“Yeah. We would walk there every night. Every morning too. Spent so many summers there before hanging out with your Grandma wasn’t cool anymore. Then I wanted to stay home and hang out with my friends.” You sigh sadly and focus your gaze back on her.
“S’nice having a bunch of friends?” She has sadness in her voice now. You shrug.
“I had one real good friend. Her name was Sophia.” You lean back against the wall and shrug again at her. “It was nice having one person I could trust.”
“Not all those other people?” She has her upper lip curled up distastefully.
“No.” You snort in a chuckle. “Drama. Someone is always kissing someone else's boyfriend. Talking shit about you behind your back. S’not always nice and pretty having a big group of friends. We just all lived in the same neighborhood. Our parents were all friends.” You blink a couple times and drop your gaze to Nora who has settled herself down in a nursing position even though you don’t do that and haven't for a while. Still… it comforts her.
“Why would they do that?” Ellie is appalled at this news of backstabbing and dishonesty between friends.
“Did you not have friends in the FEDRA school?” You tilt your head to the side gently and look back up at her. She shrugs.
“Not really. A couple people. One person— but I don’t wanna talk about her.” Ellie adds this last bit frantically. You hold your hand up in understanding.
“We don’t have to.” You shake your head no.
“Thanks.” She doesn't smile or give you any sign that she is thankful for your understanding. You remember that this is a thankless job and you're here for her. You chose this. You literally hand picked Ellie and she chose you too. You don't need to be thanked. You won't get praise for being here for her...it's your job. You go back to talking about how shitty and scary teenage girls can be.
“I dunno why people do that. My mom always used to say it was because they were jealous… but I dunno. I think it stemmed more from bein’ insecure. S’why I did it.” You admit sadly.
"You talked shit about your friends." Her lip is curled up in disgust and she cannot believe you. You shrug because it's old news. Those girls are probably all dead now anyway.
"Yeah. I feel bad about it now 'cause I know it was wrong. I never did it because..." You trail off for a second a think how you wanna word it. "I dunno. I never did it to try and hurt anyone or to be mean-- I just had my own worries... my hair, my weight, the kinda house my family lived in. I worried about what people said about my boyfriend and if he was considered the best football player or not. I was just worried what people thought of me," You try and explain but don't know if it means anything to her. Shit with a bow. "I tried to direct the attention away from me n' to someone else."
"That's really fucked. You could have just talked to them if you considered them your friends." She scoffs. She just doesn't get it. There is a lot in this world she shouldn't have seen, so much death and hurt and pain; then so much she should know and has no idea about-- friends, social hierarchies and clearly how to speak to someone when they are down. You know she doesn't understand what she's going through.
"I know it's fucked. I know." You hang your head in shame. "I just worried n' didn't wanna be the only one worrying about that dumb shit. I wanted them to worry with me...without them making fun of me for it. Just easier to start a rumor and hope it never got back to you." You sigh loudly. "Bein' a teenage girl is hard- I don't know how hard it is to be a teenage boy, but being a girl is real hard, Ellie." You whisper to her quietly.
"Why?" She raises one eyebrow.
"People expect a lot from you. Or nothing at all because you're a woman." You shrug one shoulder. "Mom, wife, an individual person who still is supposed to like the things she did before she had a family. You have to maintain friendships on top of trying to have a healthy relationship with everyone in your house. You're supposed to protect your kids and make sure your husband is fed and cared for. Make sure that your house is clean. All while still trying to remain the person who you were before you did any of that." You're blinking at her and...honestly not even really talking to her. You're speaking this out into the world for yourself as well as to her.
"S'why I'm never getting married and never having kids." Ellie presses her lips tightly together and you chuckle.
"Stay wild, Ellie." You encourage her. "Stay wild n' free for as long as you can." She stares at you in awe.
"Do you feel...trapped here?" She whispers after a minute. You don't answer right away.
"I need you to know that this is a turd with a sparkly bow on it...and I don't know if it's going to hurt your feelings... or maybe explain how I've been feeling a little better... Okay?" You warn her of the literally shit about to pour out of your mouth right now because you dunno if it's even going to make sense.
"Okay.” She whispers.
"I never feel trapped by you or Nora... Never by Joel. I'm not trapped here at all." You lean in so she can really see your eyes, see the hurt in them because this is too real. Too much for you. "I'm trapped in my own head a lot of the time. I think... I've been trying to scratch or dig my way out but I'm just making things worse up there right now. I dunno." You swallow hard and rock Nora back and forth gently. "Can I be really real with you right now?" You whisper as Nora's eyes start to close. Ellie shrugs. "I know this hasn't been easy on you. Everything that happened at the hospital... not being able to trust me n' your dad... me acting all fuckin' crazy..."
"I know you're dealin' with shit. It's just fuckin' scary to see you act that way. I've never seen your eyes that wide before...ever." She stares at you.
"I'm not trying to belittle how scary it was for you...but it was just as scary for me, too. I don't like being like that... don't even know how I got like that, really." You admit to her, still whispering.
"It's scary whatever you got? HPV or what the fuck ever?" Ellie looks at you with concern in her eyes but her question makes you snort.
"PPD. Postpartum depression. And yeah...it's real fuckin' scary." You nod at her with no emotion because you have none. It's just the truth. Your every waking moment truth of not knowing what your next feeling is going to be and if it's going to hurt someone you care for. "Don't really trust myself anymore and that's scary too. I thought I did good outside the wall...and even then, I came home and felt like I fucked everything up." She is gawking at you.
"Fucked everything up!? You did so good!" She is whispering, but exclaiming. "Saved Dina's dumb-ass. Got me n' Nora right outta here. We didn't run into any raiders or nothin'." She's smiling at you like you're the coolest and you can't help but feel the corners of your mouth turn up. "I know I'm not always super easy on you... but it's because I don't want to see you fall back into bed every day. Lose your motivation to be my mom again." She is not exclaiming anymore. She whispers her fears to you softly.
"I know, kid. I know. S'why I gotta go on this trip. I'm gonna look for something that can hopefully give me a little nudge in the right direction because I'm lost, Squeak. Even with Patti's help... I'm so fucking lost and I dunno what else to do." You try real hard to keep your tears in because you really shouldn't be crying. You should be strong for Ellie and you can't be. She crawls onto the floor to sit next to you.
"What are you gonna look for?" She is curious.
"I'll let you know what it is if I find it. I'll tell you about it then. We'll talk." You lean in and kiss her forehead. Ellie watches you as you ease yourself back against the wall and sigh. "I'm just really sorry you gotta deal with all this shit. It's not fair to anyone. 'Specially not to you."
"It's not fair to you either... you said you get whatever you got from having a baby?" She asks with her eyebrow raised in suspicion. You nod at her silently. "You just wanted a baby. You didn't ask to be sad about it. That doesn't seem very fair." Her words do pull tears from your eyes because she is right.
You just wanted a baby... and now she feels like some sort of fucked up treat you can't enjoy because it hurts to much. Like when you have a cavity. You sob softly as the words resonate with you at how unfair it really is. Some women never deal with this, never experience what this Hopelessness feels like and they get to enjoy their babies. You missed out on so much and you're trying so hard to make it up to Ellie and Nora for laying in bed for three months but how can you try and make it up to them when you don't even know how to be a better mom.
"Don't cry, MommaBird. I'm sorry. I didn't think it was gonna make you cry." She comforts you with her hand on your shoulder.
"I'm crying because you're right. It's not fair and it sucks." You gasp softly. "S'why I need a little help. Hopefully I can find it and we can start being a real family again. Start doing stuff all the time and I don't have to worry about being crazy all the time." You try and smirk at her. She doesn't return it.
"We're still a family. Always will be, no matter what. You look real hard for whatever it is you're tryin' to find, Mom. I hope you do." She leans in and kisses your forehead again gently and then is running up the stairs to her room. Nora is still asleep in your arms and you wonder how a pill could really fix all these hopeless and empty feelings inside of you. Will these medicines really quiet the scratching and the digging and the itching inside your head? Will you die like this? Crying in the dry tub? Begging for an end--- this is your karma. It has to be. This is karma for watching your dad suffer for nine hours. For killing your mom. For lying to Ellie. That's what this is. Karma. You have a little slice of heaven carved out by and for you family in the woods and you can't even enjoy it?
It has to be karma.
It's late and you're nervous he wasn't going to come home. You're leaving tomorrow afternoon and he doesn't even want to spend the last night here in bed with you? Such a stark contract from this morning in the path that leads to the housing tract from the medical center. You don't even want to go anymore. You're sad and feeling hopeless about all of this. You think it's gotta be a different sickness that correlates you being denied sex by your husband and your sadness...that has to be it's own diagnosis. What is that?
The door to your bedroom opens and your husband pokes his head in to check and see if you're still awake. You're half expecting him to groan and roll his eyes when your gazes meet but he smiles and slips inside, shutting the door quietly.
"Hey...do you come here often?" Joel gives you his slow as molasses, country twang as he leans against the door. "Was wonderin' if I could... ya know, maybe take you home sometime..." He trails off and flicks his eyebrows up once and is smirking at you as he places his hands behind his back and leans against those as he drops his head back against the solid wooden barrier. "Yer' just too cute to not at least try n' talk to..." He looks at you down his nose, still simpering half in flirtation and half in satisfaction you think.
"This is actually my first time. Never been here before." You shrug one shoulder at him and turn your head to the side gently and tuck your hair behind your ears and give him a coy look out of the side of your eyes. Joel snickers softly and pushes himself off the door and lazily strolls to the end of your shared, marital bed. "Kinda nervous, actually." You tease and his smirk matures to a grin behind his graying stubble.
"Awwwh, whaddya nervous for, lil' girl?" He's looming around near the end of the bed, his arms crossed across his broad chest now, still looking down at you sitting up in bed with your legs crossed underneath you.
"Dunno. Don't get out much... worried someone might... I dunno... take advantage of me." You pout gently and shove your hands in your lap and look up at him with your big, doe eyes that imitate innocence and purity even though there is very little left of either of those things left inside of you. Joel's tongue darts across his bottom lip as his eyes trace every curve of your body.
"Sounds like you might need someone big n' strong to come n' protect you." He furrows his brows in mock concern for your safety. You nod at him silently as the pout settles on your lips as you look up at him as he makes his way to your side of the bed. "Need someone to come n' wrap you up in his arms? Keep you nice n' safe?" Joel's voice drops two octaves as he growls the words down to you. You nod again as he crawls into bed, facing you with his back to the door.
"What's this protection gonna cost me?" You suck your bottom lip into your mouth gently. Joel's eyes soften and change. The sexiness is gone suddenly and you dunno why. You feel the entire vibe of the room shift into a serious mood and now your heart is racing. Beating so fast in your chest, a cold sweat breaks out on your brow.
"Gotta tell me what's goin' on with you, B." Your husband has real concern in his eyes now, nothing fake about this. "I know you're dealin' with some shit. Dunno what it means or what it really does to ya. You could try n' tell me..." Joel raises one eyebrow as his hand grips your knee gently. "Jus' talk t'me. I'm here fer' you now, baby. You been here fer' me this whole time...even when it was fuckin' hard as hell fer' you t'do it. Y'did it. Lemme do it fer' you." Joel slides his hand from your knee, up to grip your scarred thigh.
"I dunno." You lie. You can explain everything that is wrong to him, you just don't want to because it is embarrassing and it hurts to speak because then it becomes the truth. S'how it works! You speak things out and they suddenly become real. If you hold them in...then you will be fine forever. Duh. Why does he not get that?
"Try. Dunno isn't gonna work fer' me." He narrows his eyes on yours. "Let it spill outta like yer' pussy juice-- naturally..." Joel offers this simple joke and it does make you exhale from your nose slightly. "Please, Birdie... lookin' into yer' eyes n' I see sad...n' broken. I see pain but...you gotta tell me why." Joel pushes and it's like he unleashed the flood waters. You spill. You spill fast n' hard. The muddy waters come out of you with force and at hundreds of miles an hour.
"I hate myself..." You stare at him, and you wonder if he sees nothing behind your eyes now because you feel nothing. All of the bad and all of the good simultaneously left your body when you spoke that to him. "I'm not a good mom. Not a good wife. I'm pathetic and a joke. I was just gonna let my fifteen year old wander alone in the wild? What?" You do not cry. You have no tears. Nothing is left inside of you. "I hate when you don't wanna fuck me-- even though I think it is a normal thing for people to do... not want sex. I don't know why I need it from you to feel loved. I dunno. I think our girls are going to hate me-- if they don't already. I think you secretly hate me." More flood waters screaming out of the now open dam gates. It feels fucking good. Like you're deflating as you speak even though the words themselves hurt to say. "I'm mad for ever wanting to get pregnant because it fuckin' ruined me."
"Baby..." Joel is sad for you. It's obvious in his voice and in his eyes. "Yer' a good mom. A great wife---" He tries to comfort you but you don't allow him this. He opened the gates, he's going to drown with you.
"How can you say that? I laid in bed for three months n' forgot about my kids- I was so consumed with why you wouldn't fuck me for ninety days. So worried about our relationship that I stopped being a mom. Stopped trying to be a wife when you were clearly struggling too and needed me. I didn't even see it. Just thought you hated me. How can you say that I'm good at any of this?" You snap at him and you don't really mean to, but it happens. He holds on to your thigh and never wavers. "I'm scared..." Your voice cracks now. "Scared of waking up in the morning sometimes n' feeling like myself n' then by bedtime that same night I'm staring in the mirror...wanting to die, Joel." He winces when you say it. "No day is ever the same. None of my emotions make sense. All of my feelings are...everywhere? I dunno. I can't believe the feelings I have inside myself."
"B, what do you need from me? What can I do?" He is desperate to help you. You shrug.
"I dunno how to help myself, babe. I'm so fucking scared. So scared because I don't wanna fucking die-- succumb to this. I don't wanna." You grab his hand off your thigh and hold it close to your chest. "I wanna grow old with you and see our girls grow up n' not be scared of going to bed at night 'cause I don't wanna wake up sad again." The tears do fill your eyes and something burns inside your nose and you hate that fucking burn. It just makes the tears worse. "I have no hope left inside me. None. I miss it, Joel. I miss feeling hopeful about things n' bein' really happy. I miss it so much." You sob softly.
"Birdie..." Joel sounds heartbroken for you, but you try to fix this problem you've created.
“I’m going to look for medicine on this trip.” You admit to him through a sniffle. “I don’t think I can do this without it.” You look up at him with a quivering chin and more tears in your eyes. “I’m scared n' tired, babe.” Joel sucks his teeth sadly and pulls you tightly into him.
“Don’t be scared, lil girl. I’m always gon’ be here for you. Always. I’m so proud of you for even tryin’. Thank you for not giving up. I don’t know what I’d do if you gave up.”
The next two minutes is Joel looking at you with his soft, chocolate brown eyes. His hand and fingertips touch all across your cheeks and lips and chin. It’s like he’s memorizing your face by touch so if he ever lost his sight and hearing…he’d still have a way to recognize you in that scary, quiet, darkness.
"Why you want me to talk about Tess? You punishin' yer' self or somethin'?" He asks after a moment. You shrug. "Birdie-girl," Joel tips your chin up with his curled index finger so you'll look at him. "Everything I ever did...every choice I ever made...led me right to you. The most incredible, soft, sweet thing I've ever touched. N' you keep lettin' me touch you. How could I regret anything when I get t'fall asleep next to you every night?" Joel leans in and kisses your tears off your cheeks. "Only thing I miss 'bout my life before you is Sarah. S'it." He murmurs against the skin under your right eye.
“I just want you to open up to me a little.” You sigh as he rubs his thumbs gently across your cheeks. Joel watches your face for a long time before he leans in to kiss you. "It' doesn't have to be about Tess..." You want him to talk about his first daughter. You wanna hear about her! You want your girls to grow up knowing about her because she was important to Joel and if he taught you anything...it's that talking about things makes you feel better.
“S’hard to talk ‘bout Sarah, baby.” He murmurs against your lips. “I’ll try fer’ you though… if it’ll bring yer’ color back. I miss my beautiful, colorful Bird.” He breathes the words against you. “Still beautiful… jus’ missin’ her colors.”
“I want ’em back. Get a hint of ‘em sometimes– here n’ there.” You mutter with more shame because you should just have them. You should have never lost them…but speaking to Joel and telling him how you feel did make you feel…lighter?
“Whatever y’need from me… I’ll do it. Anything for my Birdie-girl. Anything. D’ya still need someone big n' strong to protect you n' keep you safe??” He is smirking now and you nod frantically. You don’t even care what that means. You just want him to touch you. “Get nekked.” Joel hisses in your ear as he jumps out of bed and clammers to the end so he can look at you…watch you. You pull your shirt up over your head as he pulls the blankets down off your lower half. You sigh lift your head to watch as he crawls onto the bed, he slides his left hand across your calf and shin as he moves.
“Daddy…” You suck on your bottom lip gently as Joel moves his hand out of the way so he can kiss from your ankle, up to where his hands had just been… and then to the place where your inner thigh meets the rest of your body. He lingers there and flicks his tongue against your skin twice.
“Lil girl.” He growls back to you in response. “Fuckin’ sexy.” His mouth is pressed against your waist now and he’s not even kissing, just a slow trawl of his lips up your torso. “Fuckin’ perfect tits.” He whispers quietly against your flesh as he nips at the curve of your breasts. “Such cute fuckin’ nipples.” He breathes the words out as he sucks one between his lips.
“Fuck.” You sigh softly as one hand clutches his hair in desperation for him to stay latched to you like that. The warmth from his tongue lapping at you had your back arching up, pressing your body harder against his mouth.
“Y’like that, babygirl?” Joel murmurs with your nub still in between his teeth. You hum happily in response as he tugs his head back gently and lets your tit bounce back into place. “I know y’do. S’why I do it fer’ya.” Joel growls while looking down at you. “Do it fer’me too. Love suckin’ on yer’ perfect, cute tits, lil girl.” Joel rocks his hips into yours and you can feel his sweltering length pressed against your still panty covered pussy. He’s bare. Completely naked, and you can feel his hot n’ hardness through the fabric you’re still wearing. “Feel it?” He grinds it into you harder.
“Yeah…” Your sighs up to him make him chuckle and he leans forward and presses his head against yours gently.
“Fell in love th’first time you ever did that.” Joel’s breath smells slightly like weed n’ whiskey but you don’t give a shit. It’s another comforting smell now because he’s in bed with you and all over you. He’s not drunk… not at all.
Maybe just needed a little liquid courage…to calm the nerves? You don’t know, don’t care. He’s here with you and has his hands and mouth all over you… talking the way you like.
“I asked you if the horny lil girl in the woods needed a hard cock in her.” Joel recounts the memory for you even though it’s very clear in your brain– like it happened yesterday. “You jus’ looked up at me n’ did that.” Joel is smirking against your lips as he speaks. You’re drunk on him. He’s all you need to feel intoxicated. “Want me to lick your pretty cunt?”
Joel doesn’t even wait for you to answer before his body is sliding down yours, his fingers are hooked into the waistband of your black cotton panties– tugging slowly as he kisses in the wake of them down to your ankles.
“Spread.” Joel tilts his head to the side as he… places the crotch of your panties into his mouth as he wraps his fist around his cock near the base. You watch in the most turned on horror you’ve ever felt inside of you as his fist moves slowly up and down on the length of him as he sucks the wetted fabric between his tongue and the roof of his mouth. Your jaw is on your chest as he moans softly. “S’fuckin’ good, lil girl. Yer’ so fuckin’ perfect.” He speaks around your undies– gives them one more loud suck before abandoning them on the floor beside the bed.
You are still staring at him with your jaw hanging open.
“What?” Joel smirks at you as he drops down between your legs. “S’good! I can’t waste it.” He is still smirking as he dips his head down and teasingly flicks his tongue out against the top of your slit. “Sorry I couldn’t give it t’you last night.” Joel growls. He’s so close to your cunt that you can feel the vibrations from him talking on your labia. “Y’wanna get licked like the nasty lil girl you are?” He again, does not wait for you to respond. He’s pressing his flat tongue against your slit– parting you with his warm, strong muscle. He exhales forcefully as your juices coat his tongue.
“Oh my god,” He steals the words right out of your mouth as he applies the pressure on your already buzzing bundle of nerves. You’re trembling already as he sweeps his tongue across you lazily. He’s not rushing as he slips his arms underneath your thighs and pulls you down the bed closer to him. “Fuck, Daddy.” You sit up on your elbows so you can watch.
“You like watchin’ me eat it? I thought ‘bout your cunt all fucking day.” He murmurs against your pussy while he stares up at you. “Thought ‘bout fuckin’ you right outside today. Bend you over that fence and lick you like this first.” He drags his tongue up the length of you from your perineum to your clit again– then he sucks it between his teeth and he nibbles down on it ever so gently n’ carefully. It sends a shock through you– a fuckin’ good one. It makes you pull his hair and he groans happily at this exchange and he does it again.
“Jesus.” You sigh as he goes back to lapping at you, tasting and drinking in all of your leaking wetness. “S’fucking good.” You want to rock your hips up against his mouth but he’s holding on to your thighs between his forearms and his biceps so tightly you can’t, he won’t allow it. He wants to have control. It’s fine. He can have it.
Joel pulls away and uses his index fingers to pull your lips apart so he can spit on you, you can feel it dripping down to your entrance. He removes one arm from around your thigh so he can push his saliva inside of you– not that you need it, everything he is doing is making you drenched– with his two thickest and longest fingers. You just breathe out because it’s all you can do. Just breathe and watch him do whatever he wants for reasons unknown to you.
“Once y’were nice n’ wet like you get…” He trails off as he pushes his fingers deeper into you and holds them against that good spot inside you. “I’d have stood behind you and put my hard cock in you.” Joel curls his fingers gently up– it pulls a moan from you, a soft breathy one, but you moan for him and it makes him smile as he rests his cheek on your inner thigh. “N’ I would’a fucked you real good. Made you gush on me right there outside… like before.”
Joel pumps his two fingers in and out of you with leisure as he speaks slowly and deeply to you. He doesn’t curl them again, just thrusts forward and holds them inside of you– then he twists his hand from the left and right and you feel the thickness of his knuckles stretching you and grating along every nerve and good spot inside of you.
“Oh my god.” You whimper as you walls clench down around his fingers and this makes him chuckle again like you’re trying to be funny. Joel moves his fingers with more meaning, twisting now as he pumps in and out of you with more force.
“Love watchin’ yer’ tits bounce.” Joel nips at the space between your leg and labia as his fingers begin to pummel you so he can do exactly that– tease you with his tongue and teeth on your flesh as your breasts bounce with each drive forward of his hand. You stay up on your elbows so you can watch. Joel bites back a moan as you squeeze his fingers again. “Y’gonna come fer’ Daddy?” His eyes lock onto yours.
You nod down at him as he brings his tongue back to your clit and starts to spin those tight, speedy circles. You’re trying so hard to keep your head from falling back at how good this all feels. Joel uses the hand that is not inside of you to reach up from underneath your thigh, his fingers pinch and tug at your nipple as he gives you three different forms of stimulation. You can’t keep your head up, it’s too fucking good. You’re waiting for him to pull away and order you to look at him– but he doesn’t. Joel just keeps giving you that good pleasure. His calloused, rough fingers scissor inside of you as you get closer to cimaxing.
That almost sends you over the edge but what really does it is when he sucks your clit between his lips and then he hums. Loudly against your clit. You’ve never experienced anything like that before. It’s the wrecking ball that shatters you. You’re a moaning and almost crying mess as he does this to you. You feel him chuckle against your clit as he curls his fingers up into your g-spot again… over and over. He is enchanting the orgasm out of you. His hums against your clit make you gush.
“That’s it babygirl.” Joel encourages you through your gushing and lets your hips pitch up against his fingers now as you try and keep him fucking the orgasm out of you. “Yeahhh, baby. Just like that. Daddy’s got you… you like when Daddy makes you come like this, lil girl?” He’s so sweet and his voice is still so deep. More and more ripples of pleasure course through you as he speaks directly into the crease of your thigh.
“Fuck. Oh my fucking god.” Your breathless– haven’t had breath in so long. No words. Nothing could come out of you other than gush and moans during that orgasm.
You have no time to regain your composure before Joel is pushing the tip of his hard still searing cock inside of you. It makes you gasp. Your pussy is still twitching– clenching and unclenching rhythmically as he does it. Joel moans loudly as your muscles contract around him… you pull him into you without even trying.
“Oh, does babygirl want me to really fuck her now?” He leans over you and presses his mouth to yours so you can taste yourself on him. You lick at his lips and chin and clean your mess off his face greedily. “Fuck, babygirl. You make me so fucking hard.” He pushes the rest of his length into your still spasming channel. “Jeesus, so fuckin’ tight. Never stops. How?” He rests his head against yours again as he pulls himself from within you before driving his hips forward.
“It’s so fuckin’ big.” You whimper out against his mouth as he puts force into his thrusts. You’re tight, swollen and puffy from being fingered and licked and coming once already. His cock feels bigger inside of you than it normally does, like it doesn’t fit and he’s forcing it. It’s fucking incredible as he grips your chin with one of his hands.
“S’just fer’ you. All of it.” He sighs quietly and you inhale him into your lungs. He holds your chin there so you look at him as he thrusts into you. “All my come is just fer' you too, baby.” He whispers and kisses you gently. Gentle in contrast to how hard he’s ramming into you. Both of your bodies are jolting and jerking with each meeting of your hips. His throbbing cock inside of you is giving you reassurance and pleasure and feelings of love all at the same time. "Love bein' inside yer' soft lil pussy, baby." He moans softly dropping your chin and moving his mouth back to your tits. His tongue laps and swirls around your still diamond peak. He does it so you can watch, his eyes never leave yours as he delves his tongue across the hard nub. "Wanna taste yer' milk so fuckin' bad, Birdie. S'why I wanna get you pregnant." He groans as he finally takes your nipple between his teeth again. He nibbles gently before sucking it between his lips. He applies suction, real suction around the bud and your rippled flesh that surrounds it.
“Fuck.” You choke back a moan as you say it because fuck…he’s fucking too hot and too much and you already feel like you might come again but for some reason…you don’t want him to get the satisfaction from making you do it again so soon. Your walls clench around him though and your choked back moans let him know what he's doing to you. His drops down to his elbow to support his weight but he's pressing our body into the mattress and now, instead of angry thrusts, he's rolling his hips fluidly against yours. His mouth never leaves your chest. He kisses down into the valley between your tits and then up the curve of the other until he has your other sensitive nub in your mouth. He flicks his tongue against it rapidly as he holds it between his lips. He spits on it as he pulls away and uses his free hand to rub his saliva all around your nipple.
“Oh, you gon’ come again fer Daddy?” He growls, nipping at you bottom lip. He removes his hand from your chin and places it on the side of your head so he can increase his speed. Your hips are reeling against his as he drives himself into you.
“Y-Y-Yes.” You whimper, almost embarrassed as if he hasn’t made you do this a thousand times.
“Y-Y-Yes.” Joel imitates you gently behind a whisper. “Yer'fuckin' come stupid.” He breathes it out against your chin. “Love when you fuckin’ get come stupid. S’cute.” Joel groans quietly and you can feel his body stiffen and the muscles in his arms flex.
“I’m g-gona c-c-come.” You whine as he brings you to the ledge and then pushes you right off.
“C-C-Come for me babygirl.” Joel continues to mock you into your bliss filled, mind numbing state. “Gush on Daddy’s cock while he comes inside your pretty pussy.”
You’re given an order so you follow it. You gush again, not as forceful as the first one but you still soak him and make him shiver when he releases inside of you. It's a long, throbbing release inside of you, you can feel his cock twitch inside of you each time, you love the feeling of him pumping you full-- it's so hot, and you know you can't but you think you can feel how hot it is, like it's actual molten lava he just throbbed inside of you. He groans softly and rests the entire weight of his head on your forehead.
“Love fillin’ you up, lil girl. Gon’ do it forever.”
The next morning he presses his lips to your ear and whispers your affirmations into your ear for you...you don't even think he knows what those are or that you do them quietly in the bathroom.
"Yer' a great mom who would do anything n' everything for her kids. Yer' the most perfect n' beautiful wife that a man could have; I'm lucky that yer' all mine." Joel's hands roam across your stomach slowly and gently as he continues to whisper, "Yer' gon' be happy again. I know it. I have faith in you n' our family. I'm proud of you fer' everything you've done n' will do for us. Make me proud to call you my wife, my Birdie."
You don't know why he's doing this, but it makes you feel good. You're...blushing when he says these things and it makes you feel shy and you pull your chin into your chest and curl into yourself as he pulls your back tightly into his chest. You dunno what compelled him to come home last night and ask you about all that. You're glad he did because you realize he had no idea what you were going through. You dunno why it was just assumed in your brain that all those things inside your head were completely obvious to everyone else and they were just being polite by not mentioning how terrible you look all the time. Now you wonder if it's been that obvious or were you hiding it really well?
Ellie and Nora are the sweetest saying goodbye to you.
"I'm gonna miss you. Please be careful." Ellie whispers into your shoulder as you give her a hug.
"I will be, Squeak. I'll try and find somethin' real cool for you. Thanks for being so understanding about all this. We'll go to the city soon n' get the roller blades n' everything else. Okay?" You kiss her forehead and she just nods in agreement. You smooch your fat, happy baby all over her face as she squeals.
"You stay here with the baby for a while? I'mma go see yer' mom off n' then when I get back, you can go see Dina." Joel dad's Ellie real hard and it's so hot. You love when he's a dad and perfect and strong. He's just doin' something to you right now as he kisses both girls forehead and leads you out the front door. Carrying your backpack in his free hand, his other is wrapped around yours. You walk like that to the stables where all the guys are already waiting.
“I love you. Be safe.” Joel whispers into your mouth as he kisses you goodbye. He pushes you by the ass up onto the horse. He then looks at the four other men around you– Tommy, Ken, Jeff and this guy Daniel who Joel works with on tree duty outside the wall. “She’s yer’ first fuckin’ priority, I mean it. Y’all stay safe… she stays safe. It’s real fuckin’ simple.” Joel warns all of them with his eyes. “She doesn’t come back… none of you should.” He growls at them.
You give all the guys around you a tight lipped look as you roll your eyes.
Then you set off.
“S’how long is it gonna take?” You ask Ken who planned this whole trip in his house. Mapped out the fastest route and everything. Ken really is a hero because he’s still all bruised and beaten and still was the first to offer to come out here and do this.
“Two weeks– there n’ back. I know s’long time to be away from yer’ lil ones n’ husband but it’ll hopefully be worth it.” Ken explains.
Two fucking weeks!? What the ever loving shit!? You knew this, it was told to you and you prepared for it but….but now you’re outside the wall and about two hours away already. It just now is hitting you that you won’t see Nora or Ellie or Joel for two whole fucking weeks.
“You think we got time to hit the city? I need to stop at a pharmacy and look for a couple things– women things.” You try and make Ken uncomfortable so he won’t push it. He nods like he had planned on stopping there already.
“Sure can. Gonna sleep there tonight so we have some sort of shelter, n’ then we’re goin’ to leave before sunrise to get a good start on the day.” He nods. You shrug your shoulders and follow his lead.
It’s barely sundown when you guys do reach the city of Jackson. You’re just a couple hours outside of the actual city itself in some old ski resort town…you dunno. Just call it Jackson ‘cause it’s easier but this is really Jackson and it’s beautiful. The greenery as taken the city back and it’s almost like there is no city there at all anymore. It’s incredible breathtaking as you guys look for somewhere dry to sleep.
Jeff eventually finds a place and you tie up the horses.
“I’m gonna go explore—” You start but Tommy laughs in your face heartily.
“You think I’m lettin’ you outta my sight? Hell no.” Tommy stands up and swings the rifle around his shoulder and nods to the door you were about to try and walk out of alone. “Y’heard Joel. I wanna go home. I have a kid there, Birdie. A wife that kinda scares me, but I love her regardless.” Tommy pushes your shoulder gently like a brother would do to his sister and it makes you chuckle.
“Fine.” You blink at him as you lead him out into this abandoned, green city,
“Th’fuck you ‘exploring’ for anyway?” Tommy sounds annoyed and honestly disinterested. You roll your eyes.
“Why do you ask if you don’t really care?” You question him in the same tone. He chuckles.
“Who said I don’t really care? Yer’ my brothers wife. I care ‘bout what you’re trynna do out here. Wonderin’ if I gotta tell on you for somethin’.” He’s smirking when you look up at him. He’s the same height as Joel but his hair is dark. Black. His eyes are darker than Joel’s too.
“It’s honestly so dumb. Don’t even really wanna talk about it.” You try and sound like it’s more lighthearted than it really is.
“Condoms? Joel doesn’t know how to pull out? Fuckin’ loser– what? He finish too—” Tommy is laughing at the non existent problem your husband has. You swat at his shoulder gently.
“No. There is nothing wrong with Joel’s dick, thank you very much. Works just fine and it finishes when I need it to. Shut up. Why do you even think about that?” You’re laughing at Tommy though because he thinks it’s hilarious for some reason.
“Oh, sure. Old man probably can’t even get it— are you lookin’ for viagra??” Tommy is more excited about this news than the condoms. “Sucks to be you, sweetheart.” Tommy groans in feign disappointment.
What is happening!?
“I’m looking for fucking Zoloft or Paxil you nimwit.” You swat his shoulder again, less gentle. “I’m fuckin’ depressed.” You spit it out so he will stop talking about your husband– his brother’s– penis. It’s weird and you hate it. You don’t even mean to tell him the truth, it just comes out.
“Damn. Depressed? Fer’ what, Birdie-girl? Tommy sounds like he has genuine concern now. You roll your eyes, frustrated because now you’re on a truth train because telling the truth feels real fuckin’ good. Honestly.
“I have postpartum depression after Nora.” You whisper sadly. You’re both just walking down the sidewalk of Jackson, looking into windows of shops and stores looking for anything that might resemble a pharmacy.
“S’bad? I know a little about it. One of my ex’s before the outbreak dealt with it when I met her. She had a baby… I dunno.. Like seven or eight months before I met her? She struggled.” Tommy confides in you. “She used to get real mad at her baby…kinda fuckin’ scary. I wasn’t even the kids dad n’ sometimes I’d have to take the kid from her so she could calm down ‘cause she would just scream at him. Kinda fucked up.” Tommy sighs and shakes his head. “She’d cry ‘bout it ten minutes later— hold him real close and apologize n’ shit. She just got… I dunno if overwhelmed is the right word but she told me she had postpartum.”
“Really?” You stare at Tommy in awe.
“Yeah. Why… you yell n’ scream at Nora like that? Joel lets you—”
“No. I don’t scream at Nora.” You sigh. “I got real sad… do you remember when I stopped coming–”
“Is that what was goin’ on? Shiiit. You should’a come n’ talked to me and Maria or somethin’. Could’a smoked you out a lil, got you outta the house and away from my asshole brother who probably didn’t help–” Tommy is being so nice and you’re about to break his heart.
“I hit him.” You whisper it and it makes Tommy stop mid sentence and in the middle of his step.
“You what?” Tommy sounds… shocked. Maybe disgusted. You dunno.
“It was after Nora got sick n’ then got better. I had a weird… black out moment? I dunno.” You sigh and lean against the building you’re both stopped in front of. “S’when I knew I needed real help. Not just talkin’ to some fake therapist who lives in town.” You feel bad for saying it but… it’s true. She’s not a real therapist and you sometimes feel like she’s getting most of her information from Don. You should be going to Don.
“You hit him?” Tommy is still shocked and it makes you feel worse.
“Yeah...I did. I hit him. Fuckin’ scratched and beat his back to shit a couple days ago. He took Nora from me and I blacked out and woke up at my therapists. I don’t remember hitting him. I don’t remember anything I said.” You try and explain and Tommy finally closes his mouth and leans against the building next to you. He leans against his shoulder and looks down at you.
“I’mma be real with you right now. He’s an asshole… can be a real fuckin’ dick… but that man loves you more than I’ve ever seen him love another woman. Don’t do it again.” Tommy is serious and it makes your heart race.
“S’why I’m lookin’ for the medicine. I don’t wanna do it again…didn’t even wanna do it the first time.” You pull your gaze from his and look at both of your guys’ feet. Tommy stays beside you. Then he wraps his arm around your shoulder and pulls you into his chest.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be an ass. He’s just my… I dunno. S’my guy. I don’t like seeing him hurtin’.” Tommy gives you a big, good hug. You didn’t realize how much you needed it. “Sucks seein’ you hurtin’. Could see it in your eyes just now. Look real sad, Birdie-girl.” He gives you a very platonic and bother like smooch on the top of the head, squeezes you so tight it pushes all the air out of you, lifts you two inches off the ground and then drops you quickly.
You stare at him in awe of how he just repaired something in you. You don’t even know what part of you he just stapled back together or if it’s permanent or temporary but something about his forgiving hug and nice words… just made you feel better.
“Thanks, Tommy.” You smile at him but he immediately messes your hair like you are an actual little sister and you do not like this or thank him for that.
“Let’s go find you medicine and condoms.”
The two pharmacy's you check have nothing. Not even the condoms you don’t need. It’s a hopeless feeling as you’re walking back to the apartment you guys are going to sleep in for the night.
“We can still check Bozeman, Ken says we gotta go right through there anyway… Don’t be a discouraged-Bird.” He teases you with an elbow to your shoulder gently. It’s hard to not be discouraged.
The apartment is not completely dry…so that’s fun and also sucks. You sleep on the couch in the living room listening to Tommy and Ken snore. You don’t even sleep because you had been thinking all day about finding it here. You dreamed you found a lifetime supply and never would have to worry about running out and the pesky side effects of not having any to keep you happy and a good mom n’ wife. You haven’t been meditating or doing yoga. You do not journal. You haven’t had time because LIFE. How do you do all those things while trying to juggle a relationships and being a parent and also being so depressed you honestly don’t even want to wake up in the mornings. Or ever again. It’s becoming such a sinking feeling inside of you and it’s just…growing. The sinkhole getting wider and wider…threatening to just…make you disappear in on yourself somehow.
The next morning you are stiff and still tired and not even instant coffee does anything for the sleep hanging in your eyes as you guys take off in the still darkness of the early morning.
“You look like y’didn’t get any sleep.” Tommy is scolding you. You glare at him out of the corner of your eyes.
“You sure did. Heard you fuckin’ snoring all god damn night.” You snap at him.
“Bitch to yer’ husband about that one. Me n’ Ken got orders to not leave you– especially at night. So yer’ stuck with me, Birdie-girl.” He grins devilishly at you in the moonlight.
“S’that mean? Especially at night?” You eye him curiously.
“S’when yer’ most vulnerable. Joel doesn’t want you sleepin’ alone n’ havin’ one of those two guys– who he doesn’t know very well– tryin’ anything. He doesn’t wanna have t’kill anyone else.” Tommy speaks hushed so no one but you can hear.
“Oh…” You think about that for a second and never once thought that would be an issue and you love your husband for thinking of things when you do not.
“Yeah. Man loves you t’fuckin’ bits, Birdie. He’d die if anything bad happened to you.”
Yellowstone National park is one of the most beautiful things you’ve ever seen. You and your dad never walked through here. Never.
“Wow.” It comes out of you in a sigh. You can’t believe the beautiful rolling hills in the vast endlessness of it all. It’s so much. Trees and grass and just… so much nature. Nothing human has touched this place in so long. It’s incredible.
“I know. Never gets old.” Ken sighs next to you. “Beautiful every single time.”
“You come here a lot?” You can’t take your eyes off the horizon to look over at Ken who is on your other side.
“Used to. With my wife when we first got married. She loved horses n’ nature. I’d bring her here with our horses n’ just spend days out here together.” He sounds happy to be reminiscing. “Thought I was gonna get to see her again up there on that roof. Meet my baby finally.”
“Huh?”
“My wife was eight months along when I lost her.” He sighs at you sadly and now you turn to look at him.
“I’m so sorry.” You reach for his hand and he lets you take it. “Did you know what you were going to have?” You whisper softly.
“Lil girl. Margret. Maggie.” He smiles at you kindly like this isn’t the saddest fucking thing you’ve literally ever heard. “I’ll meet her someday. See my wife again too. I know it.” He smiles again and squeezes your hand. “S’why I was so eager to help lil Nora… didn’t want you n’ Joel feelin’ that kinda pain.”
“Ken…” Your heart is panging and growing and you love Ken. You have so much love for this bruised man in your heart. “I dunno how I can ever thank you for getting Joel outta there. Really.”
“Yer’ jam. S’more than enough.” He smiles and squeezes your hand one more time. “I’ll take as much as you’ll give me.”
You’re going directly home and making Ken seventeen batches of jam. Holy fucking shit.
The five of you end up walking through so many little different towns and small cities that you didn’t really even know about. There are pharmacies– Tommy n’ you check each one with no luck. Days pass and you see no other people. No animals even. Nothing. Just the wilderness and some apartment building at night when you found one.
It’s not until you get into a little town– if you can even really call it that… called Reed Point, when you- Tommy, really-- find the fucking jackpot.
“This it?” Tommy holds out a bottle to you. It’s Sertraline. You nod and he pulls a box out from a shelf. You go through it and there are… three bottles of it. Not a lifetime supply...but more than you had before and if this could nudge you in the right direction... You'll do anything to save your family and bring back the hope.
Notes:
^i hate this stupid motherfucker
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^^ this story talks about some heavy stuff and if anyone ever needed someone to talk to pls feel free to reach out to me. I will help you swim <3
Also just come be my friend
just kidding he's perfect. Just like you guys 🩶
As always, I love your comments and everything you guys chose to share with me. It means so much and I love and appreciate every single one of you. Love getting to connect with you all on such a cool n' deep level
Chapter 36: Antpile
Summary:
Something calls to you... will you answer it?
Notes:
TRIGGER WARNING: Blood n' guts.
antpile- Kublai Kahn tx
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The bunker is still there. Right in the middle of this giant field. It’s one football field in each direction. There are holes… maybe, seven or eight feet deep but they were wide, almost fifteen to twenty feet across– with steep inclines scattered all over. It took you and your dad so long last time because it was the middle of winter…in Montana. Neither of you had good boots or the equipment to climb icy inclines. You slipped down into each hole trying to walk along the thin peaks of these newly formed, snowy craters on every side of you– there were maybe… six inches between the holes? It was a tight squeeze. It almost reminds you of what the page of a sticker book would look like if all the stickers had been used up and now…it was just the one big sticker with no meaning that once housed and connected all the others…but now it’s just a useless sticker with the empty shapes where the used up pieces of colorful sticky paper had been.
You sure had grace running away from that stray bullet that grazed your leg. Grace found you then and your dad was pissed that you didn’t fall one time running away– but every time on the way in.
It takes the five of you several hours and a lot of help from the four men because your thigh is a joke. Weak from what happened outside the wall, and just a pathetic excuse for a leg in general.
You’re currently fisting the mud and grass with both of Tommy’s hands on your soaking wet, muddy jean covered ass.
“Say swear to god right now!?" Tommy is so frustrated with you and trying to push you up out of this crater but it feels hopeless. The mud and grass just come out of the earth in your hands as you try and push yourself up with Tommy’s assistance.
“Swear to god!!” You snap at him over your shoulder, you waver, swing your arms in the air wildly and now Tommy has to move his hands to your upper back to push you forward into the mud again. He replaces his hands on the back of your jeans, near the curve of your ass and he heaves.
“Jesus Christ, Birdie. S’not that hard. Th’fuck is the problem?” Tommy sounds so annoyed and there is literally nothing you can do. It’s just mud but it might as well be ice! With all the snow melting and the rain this climate has in the spring, it was just so fucking wet. So wet and so slippery.
“Shut the fuck up. If it was not hard then you wouldn’t have your hands all over my fucking ass, Tommy!” You shout at him as he digs his feet into the mud and really pushes you but he just slips down further into the hole.
“Oh like it’s so easy fer’ me back here!?” He shouts back at you. “I’m the one with his hands all over his sister in laws ass. This is terrible, Bird. Horrible.” He’s groaning as he digs his fingers into your jeans and pushes as hard as he can. You go literally nowhere.
Ken is up at the top of this hole… he’s maybe two feet out of your reach. Even if you could reach him, both of your hands are so muddy that you don’t think he’d be able to get a good grip on you anyway. You’re going to die in this hole. Tommy climbed out and back in with no problems and now neither of you can get out. He’s tried alone seven times and the earth is just too slick.
“OH! Is it really that horrible?” You sneer at him as you push basically your whole hand into the mud up to your forearm and you dig in and pull yourself up and actually move forward. You could cheer but you just do that again with your other hand and move up a little further. Tommy digs his toes back into the mud as far as they will go and he pushes you up and climbs up the slope behind you.
“Ain’t nothin’ back here t’fuckin’ hold on to!!” Tommy exclaims. “Th’fuck Joel use fer’ cushion back here? Ain’t nothin’. Gotta let Maria feed ya.” He snickers as you two reach the top of the crater, finally.
Tommy stares back into your gawking face. How dare he talk about your ass that way!
“What?”
“I lost my ass when I got depressed, you dick. I had one– I had a cushion once!” You poke him in the chest with your muddy fingers.
“Never like Maria’s.” He chuckles at you and shakes his head. “Never.” And then he pokes you right in the shoulder. “Shut up. Don’t ever tell yer’ husband or my wife that I had my hands on ya like that.” He growls. “Both of ‘em… jealous as hell. Fer what? Ya ain’t got no ass!” He exclaims. “I don’t care if the only way I could save your life was to grab you by the right tit n’ pull you outta harms way—” He points in your face. “Yer’ lyin’. Not sayin’ fuckin’ nothin’ about it. Didn’t even like—”
“You shut up!” You slap his hand out of your face. “You shut up right now. Like I’m running home to tell Joel all of that? Okay. You know him!! Why would I run home and tell my husband… and YOUR WIFE? Who I almost got into a fist fight with the other day!” You shout back at him.
“SO YOU SEE WHY I’M SO SCARED!?” He hollers at you and his voice echoes in the quiet woods.
“Yes. I do.” You whisper to him. “Don’t yell at me ever again.” You know that he isn’t really mad at you. Honestly, you don’t even care that he yelled at you. You’d just like Tommy to feel dumb for yelling at all. And yelling that he was scared of his brother and wife.
You were too though.
“If y’all are done…” Ken clears his throat after and you look towards the bunker and you have so much further to go. You could weep.
Once you’re close enough, Tommy and Ken stop you in a hole and tell you to wait. Don’t come closer. You needed to be far enough away from the blast n’ you couldn’t run so you had to wait back here like a child.
The door doesn’t come completely off. You stare at the shredded metal. It’s so thick and there is no way you’re going to be able to try and pry this door off the frame. It’s too big and heavy. Too strong. Impenetrable.
“So…we came out here for nothing?” You look at Ken who is rooting around in his bag. “What? You got another grenade in there or something?” You chuckle, even though you feel hopeless.
“Sure do.”
“What!?” You exclaim looking at him warily as he pulls two more grenades out of his bag. “Why didn’t you use those with the rest?” You question him suspiciously.
“Incase this happened. Was hopin’ it wouldn’t cause this isn’t gonna be easy.” He looks at you with serious eyes.
“Why?”
“Just behind this door is a ramp with a lil slope to it.” He explains to the four of you huddled around him. “The pin gets pulled we got six seconds just like last time to drop it n’ run.” He nods at Tommy. Tommy nods and shrugs his shoulder. “Six second on that ramp n’ that grenade isn’t gonna do shit to this door. Whoever pulls the pin has to hold it for four seconds n’ then drop it behind the door and run like hell.”
The four men stare at each other.
“Who is the fastest?” Daniel asks nervously.
“Not about whose the fastest…it’s about who has the best timing. It’s me but I can’t really run fer’ shit. Barely got out of the way last time.” Ken sighs sadly.
“I could try but… I’ll be honest…I’m scared shitless.” Jeff admits. Tommy sighs and takes the grenade from Ken.
“I can do it. You think this hole will be deep enough fer’ me to jump into?” Tommy points at the hole directly in front of the bunker and Ken shakes his head.
“Door’ll crush you with the force from the blast. You should run around the side… try n’ dive into a hole over there somewhere. You’ll be out of the blast zone…hopefully.” Ken explains, pointing off to the right of the door.
“Tommy…” You sigh at him. He is shaking his head at you. He places one large hand across the entirety of your face and pushes you backward.
“Shut up. Don’t wanna hear it. You know what to tell Maria if I get blowed up. I loved her ass n’ don’t marry anyone else.” He continues to push you out of his way until you are almost completely behind him now. If his hands weren’t covered in mud and who knows what else you’d bite him.
Ken pulls you into a hole on the complete opposite side of the door.
“Call it when you pull the pin!” Ken shouts to Tommy as everyone gets into a hole to hide from the blast.
“Okay…” Tommy calls out hesitantly. There is a hole the size of a football at the top right-hand corner of the door. Tommy has to pull the pin, wait four painfully long seconds, drop the grenade and fucking run. Hope the rest of the bunker doesn’t fucking explode while he runs away and blast Tommy right to shit. “Pulling it…. Now.”
You immediately start to count in your head.
One one hundred. Two one hundred. Three one hundred. Four one hundred.
Tommy doesn’t come from around the corner and Ken starts to shout…he had been counting too.
“Drop it!!!” Ken screams. Tommy’s torso comes from around the corner when that grenade goes off…
It goes off.
You are stunned at the loudness of it. It’s like there was an extra shockwave that was sent through you from the explosion going off what seemingly felt like, right underneath you. Ken has his arms over your head as debris and dirt n’ mud rain down on you. You feel the pieces of rock and maybe metal hitting the back of your legs as you cover your ears from the noise. It’s still ringing so loud inside your head. Like the flash bang in front of the hospital in Salt Lake.
There isn’t time to think about anything other than Tommy. You had just seen his head and the top part of his chest round the corner when the grenade went off and now you’re looking around and he isn’t anywhere to be found.
“Split up. Check all these holes. Who knows where he could be.” Ken grumbles to the other two men. You all check the immediate surrounding craters but he isn’t in any of them . You all start to call his name. He doesn’t respond.
“You keep lookin’ for him. I’m goin’ inside, gonna see if there’s a medic bag– he’s probably gonna need it if he’s still alive.”
Still alive?
No. Tommy was supposed to be protecting you…yes. You were also supposed to be protecting him!! For Maria!! Your sister in law who is kinda fucking scary! Tommy doesn’t respond when you call his name and you start to panic.
He’s in a puddle down at the bottom of a hole ten feet away. You slide down to him and pull his face from underneath the water. He sputters but he has blood coming out of his mouth and his face and neck are torn to shit. Nothing looks to serious but you’re not a fucking doctor.
“Tommy…where does it hurt, buddy? Does it hurt anywhere real bad?” You’re sitting in the water with him, cradling him in your arms the best you can. He’s almost as big as Joel, not as broad but still big. He’s coughing and his eyes are fluttering but not opening. You wipe the muddy water out of them carefully. “Where you hurt?” You whisper down to him.
“Fuckin’ everywhere, Birdie.” Tommy wheezes the words out and now you pull him closer to you. You cradle him as softly as you can, he's obviously hurting real bad. His face is bleeding in several different spots. His neck and chin are covered in blood. Tommy is choking and coughing and blood is just coming out of his mouth and you know that's just so fucking bad. So fucking bad because that means his throat or stomach could be bleeding. You try and sit him up so he'll stop choking.
Your arm is being ripped and torn from below, something sharp is stabbing you near the elbow and forearm. You pull away and see the shrapnel sticking from Tommy’s side. “Oh no. No, no, no no nonononono.” You whimper softly and don’t dare to touch it. Your dad always said leave it alone and don’t touch something that’s sticking outta you. It’s keeping all the blood in. Jesus fucking Christ. The piece of serrated metal is jabbed through him. You dunno what major organs are being punctured by this.
“Birdie!!” Ken call you and you respond with something that resembles a banshee and a cry for help. Ken is beside you in seconds inspecting Tommy’s wounds.
“Superficial, man. Nothin’ to worry ‘bout.” Ken says calmly but you can see the fear in his eyes. He turns to you now, and the fear is much more apparently when he looks at you head on. “Needs to be inside right now.” He whispers to you and now Daniel and Jeff are beside you and they’re trying to pull Tommy out of this muddy, forsaken hell hole! The water in the bottom is stained a dirty, earthy pink from the blood lost by Tommy. You are left to try and crawl out on your own, which is so fucking hard but the adrenaline inside of you pushes you forward. It pushes your fingers and hands deeper into the mud than you thought you could go. It's cold and slimy and feels disgusting between your fingers and it's under your fingernails but you push and you run. You run through the pain and into the bunker for the first time.
Even though your brother in law could be dying right now it’s so hard to not be overwhelmed at the sheer size of this place.
“Holy fucking shit.” Your voice echoes in the vastness. “We should all just come here.” You whisper to yourself.
“Just blew the door to shit.” Jeff grumbles as he grabs blankets and towels from a closet near by. This is when you remember that Tommy is in fact bleeding out on a table behind you. You run to him and hold his hand in yours tightly. He squeezes you back gently.
“Hey Bird.” He smiles at you weakly. “I’m gon’ be just fine. Gotta see Tomas Jr again.”
You have tears in your eyes because he doesn’t look like he’s going to be fine and if anything happens to him you’ll never forgive yourself. You’ll never go home because if Maria has to raise a baby without her love why should yours get to raise his with his love? Why should you get to go home if Tommy doesn’t.
“Hi Tommy.” You whisper to him and try to fight the tears back so you don’t scare him. "I know. Tomas is gonna be so happy to see you when you go home." You have to press you jaw together so hard when you're done speaking it feels like your teeth are going to break and shatter in your mouth. “How you feelin’?” You ask as gently as you can while Ken starts to perform minor surgery while Tommy is still awake. It doesn’t seem to bother him at all which scares you. Ken is cleaning the wound, getting all the mud and dirt out of it.
“Feel g-great.” He chokes it out and you’re watching the color leave his face.
"Tommy, you gotta tell me more about Tomas.. what's his favorite food right now?" You whisper down to him as his eyes start to flutter. "Please keep talking to me."
“You gotta try and get an IV in him, Bird. Here.” Ken places everything you’d need to put an IV into someone into your lap. You stare down at it and then flick your eyes up to Tommy- who is trying to speak to you. He saved you once. Got you help in time so you didn’t fucking bleed out.
"He re- really like s-sweet p-potatoes right n-now." Tommy sounds so week and you wonder if him talking is even a good idea. You are so fucking scared, you're shaking and feeling like you could die right now from how God damn nervous you are.
“I don’t really know what I’m doing but I’m going to try n’ help you.” You whisper to Tommy and roll his sleeve up to his bicep. You wrap the rubber band around his arm right under where his shirtsleeve ends. You wrap it tight. Tommy is still talking about his son.
"Loves when M-Maria ch-ch-chases him 'round the house." Tommy is getting weaker and weaker by the fucking second and it's doing nothing to calm your nerves.
“Gotta go in real shallow, Birdie.” Ken watches you from over your shoulder as you look for a vein to stick this needle into. You feel like you’re going to throw up. “Real shallow. Don’t wanna puncture his vein through n’ through.” He whispers to you and is so comforting and you’re so thankful for him because there is no rush to his voice. He is calm and so you are calm. “You can do it, baby. You got this, Birdie. I know you can fuckin’ do it.” Ken tries so hard to encourage you.
“Okay. Shallow.” You breathe out deeply as if you were going to aim your rifle and look to Tommy who is now officially dead or sleeping. You do not have time or the nerve to try and find out.
“You’ll see blood in the hub if you got a good stick.” Ken is whispering in your ear as he pulls the piece of metal out of Tommy’s side. Jeff is ready with a towel to apply pressure. “You gotta get the IV in him before I can stitch him up, babe.” Ken comforts you with sweet pet names that you appreciate.
You stick the needle in slowly and wait to see blood but nothing happens. You hesitate and don’t know what to do.
“Pull it out. Put your thumb over his vein and try to feel the needle under his skin…it’sa good indicator you got him right.” Ken suggests. You follow his directions but again, not blood comes back into the glass hub of the hypodermic needle. “Birdie… you gotta breathe, girl. Breathe. Yer’ so fuckin’ good at everything. Fell off a fuckin’ water tower. Got cut open but you fuckin’ saved yer’ baby, Birdie. You did all that. No one else. Just Birdie Miller. If you can do all that, girl.. Shiiit. You can do anything, baby.” He gives your back a reassuring, gentle touch.
You sigh and close your eyes for two seconds and pull the needle out again.
You try a different vein this time and go slow. You feel the needle under your thumb… you see blood flashback into the hub and Ken cheers for you so loud it makes you jump.
“Tape the needle into his arm.” Ken directs you while also cleaning out the wound on Tommy’s side. It’s a clean stab through the front and the back. You follow his directions and cut the tape with your teeth as you hold the needle in your one hand. The free hand holds the roll of tape. You drop it to the floor and tape the needle into Tommy’s arm. “Twist n’ pull the hub out.” Ken’s voice is firm but still calm. You do this. “Attach the IV line.”
Tommy is hooked up to fluids and now you can sit back and breathe. He’s still not moving or talking but he is breathing.
“There is oxygen around here somewhere, prolly a mask too if someone can go find it. The medical center is just down the hall n’ to the left.” Ken directs a random person…it’s Daniel who takes off to go find it.
This is when you go to explore this bunker. It's the biggest thing you may have ever seen. It's an entire underground military base. A whole, functioning base with power somehow.
There are several floors that drop down below you. You don't even get to see them all. You stay on the first floor and just walk around. There is so much. So many rooms. A control base with a radio and communication systems-- walkie talkies and satellite phones-- you don't know if those will even work. You don't care to try right now. Further into the military base is a canteen area where you can eat as a large group. Behind that room is a kitchen with four large fridges and freezers that are still working. Nothing is in them but they're cold.
Ken is behind you now and tells you that the the last floor is the housing unit. There are four hundred mini apartments on the bottom of this bunker. Each one has a living room, it's own kitchen, one bedroom and an office. Comes fully furnished for the military men who would live here. Had the option to bring your family with you if you wanted. Ken and his wife lived in one of these apartments but not in this base. Somewhere down near Alabama he said. Hidden away in the woods somewhere out there. These bases had been built during the cold war-- then refurbished to be housing bases for families while their husbands were here but had to be on duty. Most of 'em were abandoned before the outbreak- right after 9/11. Every solider went overseas so the families all went back to their homes. Then the outbreak happened. Locked up the ones that the military couldn't get people to with the infection spreading so fast. Easier to just lock away all this shit than try to save it all.
"How do you know this?" You whisper.
"I was in the military when the outbreak started. I fought as best I could but, I was far from home. On a mission with my squad. I worried about my wife so I went AWOL to go find her. She was dead inside our house." He whispers to you. "I just know all this stuff because they told me before I left. I fought for a month before going home. Couldn't ever find a way out until I finally did. Too late to save my Nell n' Maggie." He smiles at you softly. "Doin' my best fer' Tommy in there."
“We need to bring the colony back here. We have to.” You whisper to him.
“There’s no door, Bird.” He touches your back again comfortingly.
“We can fill these holes in… or make a moat. Put trees all around the inside of it…” You suggest to him. “If we can get everyone here… we could live here forever. We’re so far away from the colony that those raiders can have that fucking town.” You look up at Ken now who has his arm around your shoulder listening to you intently.
“Issa big group to travel with. Couple lil kids.” He sounds like this plan isn’t going to work. “We’d be so exposed until we got those trees up.”
“Would we really? Patrol could be cut in half because there is only one way in. Have four or five guys out guarding that door until we can get a wall built… I think we would be fine.”
Ken sighs at you.
“Tommy isn’t going to make it back home any time soon. Two of us could go back… take one of those bad-ass fucking army trucks and go tell everyone what we found.”
“Could just use that truck to transport Tommy back home.” Ken flicks his eyebrows up at you.
“Ken… I need to get out of that place. I thought it was heaven and I wondered why I felt so fucking hopeless there… but I think that place is hell. I think of all the fucked up shit that happened there and it makes me sick. Not just to me. To all those people we called our friends? Their blood is still on the streets, Ken.” You pull yourself from his grasp.
“You think Joel will up n’ leave–”
“Yes.” You do not know this. You think he’s going to say no. You think everyone is going to say no but this place is too incredible to pass up. “I think he would do what was best for the colony and I think relocating is the best plan of action. Why take all this shit out of here to protect something that has been proven to be weak?” You push your agenda.
“Shit.” Ken sighs. “Who you wanna go back with you? I’d rather stay here with Tommy…make sure he stays stable. Gotta see if those trucks even start up—fuck. I can’t believe I’m sending you out there.” Ken shakes his head as he leads you towards the ‘garage’ of this military base.
The army jeep starts right up. Ken looks at you and sighs.
“Joel is goin’ to fuckin’ kill me. Bring both of those fuckin’ knuckleheads with you.” Ken grabs the back of your neck and pulls your face close to his and for a second your worried he’s going to kiss you but then he hands you his own pistol. “I don’t think they would…but if either one of them try anything with you…you blast ‘em to shit.” He whispers.
“I have my own gun, Ken.” You’re confused.
“I got hollow point rounds in my shit. Made ‘em myself. Blast a hole right into ‘em if you need to, Birdie-girl. You did so fuckin’ good with Tommy. You really are good at everythin’. Real fuckin good at stayin’ alive.” Ken smirks and does give you a small, gentle kiss on the forehead.
Why are all these men touching you!? Your husband would have a conniption if he knew…even if these touches and sweet kisses- if you could really even call them that…it’s like a peck..something you’d give your friend… you think– mean absolutely nothing other than you are cared about.
Which feels really nice.
You grab Tommy’s hand and hold it in yours gently. It’s cold and it makes you nervous but trying to transport him right now makes you even more nervous. You hold his hand to your chest and you silently promise him that if he isn’t going to make it… you’ll make sure Maria and Tomas are here by his side. Please just hold on for ten hours. That’s all you needed was just ten hours to go get her and the baby.
You waste no more time as Ken explains that with this thing… off roading is easy as hell and you’d be able to cut through off the highway when you needed. This makes you even happier than you had been before to just be able to drive there and not have to walk two fucking weeks. How!? A five hour car ride!? Two weeks on fucking horseback!? Are you serious!?
It’s a fast trip. You barely speak the whole time as you press the clutch and fucking crank the sticky gear shifter knob that’s connected directly to the floor instead.
“How old is your oldest?” Jeff asks casually like you aren’t driving one hundred miles an hour in an army jeep down the highway.
“She’s going to be sixteen in a couple months.” You try and smile but nothing comes to your face even though you love Ellie.
“Yeah, she’s friends with my son James.” He smiles and gives you a small nod.
“Jimmy!? He gave me my tattoo!” You exclaim, excitedly now. “He’s real good! Hurts like a mother fucker.” This is when you realize that Jeff is covered from wrist to where his sleeves end in tattoos. “Did Jimmy do all those for you?” You raise your eyebrow at some of the more questionably done ones with messy lines and in some places no ink at all.
“Oh yeah. He doesn’t have anything to practice on. I don’t want him out there lookin’ stupid so I let him tattoo me. I don’t mind looking stupid for him! He’s the best thing that ever happened to me. When his mom died I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do.” He shakes his head sadly.
“He’s a good kid!” You put your hand on his forearm to comfort him. “He’s a real nice, respectful young man. You did good.” You place your hand back on the steering wheel.
“Jimmy did a couple of my tattoos too.” Daniel sticks his whole foot and leg into the front cab of the car and you’re shocked but admire the nice tiger tattoo on this gentleman’s calf.
“That’s very good.” You nod at him in the rearview mirror.
“So you’re going to try and get everyone to pack up all their shit…n’ come back to that bunker?” Jeff asks after a minute of silence.
“Do you think it’s a bad idea?” You give him a side eye and keep your hands gripping the steering wheel.
“No. Not at all. S’just a lot of work. We just put the last tree in the ground– feels like fuckin’ yesterday. Now we gotta do it all over again?” Jeff sighs.
“There has gotta be something in that base that will make everything one hundred times easier. Not axes n’ pure manpower.” You shake your head at him. “You saw the fuckin’ trucks in there? There has to be one chain saw or even just a regular saw.”
“Hell, I sit around all day drinkin’. I liked doin’ tree duty n’ shit. Kept me busy.” Daniel leans back in the seat he’s in and rests his head in his hands like you’re on a fun road trip. “I’d go. I might go back regardless if anyone else does…”
“Me too. Bring my family back there. Me and Joel will cut the trees down our fucking selves.” You whisper.
“I heard about what happened with your baby n’ Ava a while ago. Jacob, too. S’fuckin’ crazy. Me n’ him were good friends before all that happened.” Daniel sighs. “Sorry you went through all that. Jake was always wound a lil tight. I think he seen some fucked up shit on the road with his pops n’ Connie.” He nods and gives you a tight lipped look.
“Thanks.” You whisper to him in the mirror.
“Eh. I know it don’t fuckin’ help you at all. Just shitty things to go through. I’d kill to run into my ex from highschool. Shiiiiit. Even if she had a whole man…just someone to talk to about life before everything happened? I’d kill to talk to someone who knew my old man.” He sounds somber.
“I felt the same exact way. It sucks we never got to do that.” You frown at the man who you assume is around your age. He smiles back at you in the mirror.
“Probably fer’ the best. Jack would have tried to fuck you. Probably would have too if he got you in a moment of weakness.” He chuckles like it’s funny. “S’like his signature move or somethin’. Get a lady when she’s fightin’ with her man or somethin’. He was so fuckin’ good at that shit. S’like he knew when there was a fight a’coming. Smelt it in the air and he’d go prowling around the bar.” Daniel is still chuckling but you are not.
That’s exactly how Jacob kissed you on the front porch.
“What a piece of work.” You shake your head in disappointment.
“Oh, I know. He’d say just about anything to get them in bed with him too. Heard him lie about the color of the shirt he had on one time.” He is laughing in the memory. “Damn… crazy that he just up n’ left. S’wild.”
You smirk now.
They do not open the gates for your crazy driving army jeep. No, the patrol point their guns at you until you get out of the truck and point at your face.
“I am Joel Miller’s wife, let me in right now!” You exclaim to the guards ninety feet up in the air. They whistle and the gate starts to open. You don’t go home. You don’t go to Patti’s, you pull up in front of Maria’s house and pray to the devil that she is there. You bang widly on her door, and since Maria and Joel are neighbors…he comes outside at the sound of screeching tires and banging coming from two doors over.
Maria answers with Tomas in her arms.
“You need to come with me. Pack a bag. I’m going to put gas in this thing at the medical center and then I’m coming back for you. I’m coming for you n’ him.” You look down at the almost toddler smiling at you and reaching for his Aunt Bird. You cannot take him. The life leaves Maria’s eyes. “He was fine when I left but I dunno, Mar. I dunno. You gotta hurry so we can get you to him.” She has tears in her eyes and is unmoving.
“What?” Is all Maria says. You wanna slap her but you’re nervous. Joel is behind you now, pulling your right shoulder so you’ll face him.
“Babe?” Joel can’t believe you’re here. He wasn’t expecting you back for another couple days and now… you’re here and looking very frantic.
“It’s Tommy. He’s hurt real bad, baby. Go pack bags for the girls and you n’ we’re all going back there right now.” You don’t mean to be as harsh as you were but, you’re panicked and Maria still hasn’t moved and now neither is Joel.
“What?” Joel stares at you, unable to grasp or maybe he didn’t hear you– you were speaking really fast.
“Go. Pack. Bags.” You say to both of them very slowly. “We don’t have time to sit here right now, I will explain everything once we get back out on the road but we need to get back to him, I dunno– I dunno if he’s okay or if he is going to be.” You start back towards the truck and Jeff jumps out.
“I’m going home. Gonna start gettin’ our shit ready. We’ll start goin’ around town n’ tellin’ people the plan. Get ‘em on board so when you come back we’ll all be ready. We got you, Miller.” Jeff punches you in the shoulder gently as he runs past you towards his own house. Daniel jumps out of the back seat and extends his hand to you. You could slap him but you shake his hand quickly and jump back behind the wheel.
“Hey, good drivin’. Nice gettin’ t’know you.” Daniel taps the side of your door twice and takes off in the opposite direction than you do. You drive to the medical center and pray to the devil again that Joel and Maria are kicking it into gear. You’re actually running. Really running again through the pain to get a gas can to fill this tank up. It takes so many cans of gas. So many. You feel like you’re pouring diesel gas into this jeep for an hour before it won’t take anymore and starts to spill out and down the side. You do not even care.
Maria is waiting for you on the sidewalk with one bag packed for her and the baby and you’re gonna kiss her on the mouth. You screech to a halt and stare at her through the window.
“I don’t know if we have a car-seat or anything.” You frown, “Doubt we’ll find two—”
“I do not give one single shit about a car-seat. If your husband is not in this car in ten seconds we are leaving without him. I don’t care–” Maria is climbing into the back seat and strapping herself in with the baby as Joel and Ellie, who is carrying Nora, come running out of your front door. Poor Joel looks so fucking worried and you could throw up.
This motherfucker runs around to the driver's side and opens the door.
“Lemme drive.”
“You don’t know where you’re going!” You exclaim, gripping the steering wheel. He stares at you with fear in his brown eyes and then sighs softly and shuts the door. Ellie is already behind you, strapped in with Nora.
“Ellie, I love you…you’re such a good sweet girl and everything you do is perfect but if you drop my baby I will fist fight you in the street.” You stare at her in the rearview mirror and she nods, not even making a face or a nasty comment. Joel is in the passenger seat and you’re moving before his door is even shut. Something about driving with two babies under the age of two with no car seats makes you feel sick to your stomach. You are going to drive so carefully but that just means cutting precious time off your trip back to Tommy and Ken.
You might actually throw up.
“What happened?” Joel asks once you’re finally out of town and ten minutes on the road. “The fucking explosives. Tommy caught some shrapnel and it looks like he lost a lot of blood.” You try to avoid Maria’s worried and angry eyes in the mirror. “Ken got it out and stitched him up. He’s got fluids in him. I didn’t stay to see if Ken kept him stable or not. I just came here to get you.”
Now…a horrible and sudden realization that Ken is the only person there to guard that bunker and there was a lot of noise made with that explosion. You didn’t even think about the aftermath of all of that before you left. One of those knuckleheads should have stayed behind but Ken was so fucking worried about you that no one thought about him. You press on the gas a little more without saying anything and hope that neither one of them thinks about that either.
Ken is so fucking strong and so fucking brave and honestly…so fucking cool that he could have kissed you earlier. You’ll let him kiss you right in front of Joel if he can keep Tommy alive and that incredible place you want to call home safe.
“Was it real bad, Bird?” Maria asks you after an hour on the road. She has said nothing since you all got in the car. She has just been looking out the window, tears rolling down her cheeks.
“I dunno, Mar. I really don’t. We got to him in time– we got to him so fast. He just… was bleeding a lot.” You feel the tears burn your eyes and you wanna tell her that you found an amazing new place for everyone to live and be safe in– hopefully that is still true when you get back. She does not look like this news would do anything for her at all, she looks so sad and lost…you know that lost feeling and you just want to help her.
Maria doesn’t say anything again. Joel is beside you and has his hand on your thigh but he also isn’t speaking. It’s so quiet except for Tomas and Nora babbling and squealing at each other in the backseat.
“How long until we get there, M-B?” Ellie asks quietly. You honestly have no idea. You don’t know how long you’ve been driving anymore. You dunno anything it feels like. You just know you have to pee and haven’t eaten since you got to the field of holes yesterday! You’re running on fumes and it hits you right now how tired you are.
“I dunno. Did you have a good time while I was gone?” You have to keep talking to her or anyone or you might pee your pants and fall asleep. You think the desperate need to relieve your bladder is the only reason you haven’t fallen asleep now that the adrenaline of getting Maria on the road has dissipated. Now you’re just scared.
“Yeah, Dina and I went and got all that softball stuff from that garage. There was a bat. Dad’s been showing us how to hit.” She smiles at you in the mirror gently and it warms your heart.
“Who is better?” You smirk at her.
“Dad? He hit the ball so fuckin’ far. Took Dina and me so long to find it.” She’s shaking her head now and looking out the window. “Dina can’t hit for shit. I’m not bad.”
“Better n’ not bad, Bug. Did good.” Joel corrects her without taking his eyes off the horizon out of his window. You’re sad for him and Maria… and you! And everyone that knows and loves Tommy because he really is a good guy. This just fucking sucks.
“I was fine.” Ellie smirks back up at her dad but is met with the back of his head— his shaggy, still dark, but graying hair– and frowns.
“You’ll get better. Keep practicing. We’ll work on it when we bring Tommy home.” Joel explains calmly. You hear Maria scoff softly in the backseat and you flick your eyes to the mirror. She is looking at the back of his head too, glaring at him. You wonder why he’s upset. He’s being hopeful.
Ellie doesn’t say anything else and now it’s quiet in the jeep. So quiet and you have to pee so bad but you’re not stopping. Not for anything.
You don’t know how long it takes you to get back. Time stops being something you look at and check on because it just makes your heart hurt to see how much times goes by without knowing what is happening back at that bunker.
You lead Joel and Maria into the bunker and Ellie follows close behind. There was nothing outside, just like you had left it. The military base that was hidden underground sounded and felt like it was abandoned again. Tommy was not where you left him on the table in this common area. Neither was Ken. You call his name and get your own echoes as reply.
“They were here when you left?” Joel looks frantic and nervous and so does Maria because they both just saw the pool of blood on the table and not their brother or husband.
“Bird!” Ken calls your name but he sounds so far away. His voice echoes. He calls again and you hear him through a hallway to your right. It leads into the main part of this base that houses the hospital wing, the entertainment center and another giant common area that you didn’t even see before. All of you including the two babies take off down that hallway and see Ken standing two floors below you.
“Ken!?” You are desperate to know where Tommy is and so are the two adults next to you and probably the teenage girl as well.
“Elevator right behind you.” Ken points and when you turn, there is an elevator and there are little droplets of blood on the floor that lead right into the freight sized room when the doors open from the top and bottom instead of from side to side.
Ken meets you all when the doors open. He has Maria’s hand in his and is leading her into this hospital wing. You limp down the hall behind everyone else. You do not even blame Joel for leaving you behind. This is all so scary and he’s probably so worried about his brother.
This is a real fucking hospital! What!? It has a nurses station and all these different rooms. There are medical machines you do not know the name of but this is a small hospital and it seems to be in perfect working order…. So this just is another reason why you all need to come here. Connie could have her baby in an actual hospital and not in her bed or an old elementary school.
Tommy is smiling and has most of his color back when you enter the room. Joel and Maria are on either side of him. Maria is sobbing with relief and now you feel bad for scaring her but you were fucking scared!!
“We gotta get him home so he can heal.” Maria nods her head at you and shifts her son so he can see his dad. Tomas gets so excited to see Tommy.
“Why can’t we stay here?” Ellie is looking around the hospital room and you know she saw how big this place was when you all came in.
“I was thinking that. For real. We should stay here.” You explain to all three of the adults, one teenager and two babies who are staring at you. Ken is beside you, nodding.
“She made a good point earlier when we talked before she left.” Ken adds.
“What th’fuck are you two talkin’ about?” Joel is confused and probably still worried and scared for Tommy.
“Joel, look at this place. S’got everything we need. Supplies. There’s a giant tank of diesel gas under the garage. Place is fuckin’ solar powered and runs on back up generators. Place is in perfect condition.” Ken pushes your agenda from earlier with things you didn’t even know about.
“S’fucking exposed as hell.” Joel waves his hand at the both of you.
“So was that colony before the trees went up around it.” You flick your eyebrows up at Maria who is still staring at you but she doesn’t have anger in her eyes… she has hope.
“Bring the tractor…” She whispers and twists her head to Joel and Tommy who are now looking at each other. You push further.
“We put a wall up…maybe even a fuckin moat with all these holes in the ground… Trees might not be strong but the metal fucking hole in the ground is. And how many people do we need to really guard one hole? With all these fucking guns?” You know there is no artillery here in the medical wing but Joel has not seen the weapons this bunker holds. No. He has not. “Trynna get all this awesome stuff back to the colony for it to then just be taken from us because we still can’t keep the enemy out.”
“Okay. Okay.” Joel is tired of you throwing things at him and he sighs loudly. “We need to talk.” He nods his head to his brother but you all stay in the room because… you’re not leaving? What? You’re going to be just as involved in making this decision. Joel stares at everyone not moving. “Alone?”
“Good try. Talk to him. We’re staying. You don’t just get to decide this for us without our input.” Maria snorts at your husband. Joel glares at her but she glares right back at him as she holds Tommy’s hand.
“Built that place…put a lot of sweat equity into it.” Tommy looks at Joel with his own dark, brown eyes. “S’not the strongest though. Obviously. Just wood.”
“It’ll be just wood here. N’ we’re all under ground– like fuckin’ rodents and I don’t like that. Buried underground like this?” Joel is not on board with this idea but it sounds like Tommy might be.
“Shit. We bring the tractor here n’ use some of those jeeps Ken was tellin’ me ‘bout, we could bring every single brick from that colony here and build whatever we want. S’gonna take time…but what else we got to do, man?” Tommy is on board! Yes!
“Really? Just throw away–”
“Man, we really throwin’ anything away when those raiders come back with more men, more guns and more explosives? That’ point we’re givin’ it to them. Might as well give it to them and be five hundred miles away by the time they get back. We’ll leave the fuckin’ gate open for ‘em.” Tommy explains softly. “I’m tired of fightin’, brother. So fuckin’ tired of it. Are you not or is that all you know now? Jus’ fightin’ n’ runnin’?”
“Shut up. I don’t see how bringin’ everyone here is going to make a difference. Raiders are gon’ raid regardless of where we set up—”
“This set up’s got nine Gatlin's, couple hundred machine guns. Fifteen flame throwers and more explosives n’ dynamite than you could imagine.” Ken nods his head at Joel, interrupting him. Joel hates it. Hates that no one is letting him finish his sentence or that no one is agreeing with him.
“Pack everyone up? Move ‘em all out here? Y’all know how long that’s gonna take?” Joel is frustrated but you do not understand why.
“Not long if we use the jeeps and someone can drive my truck and the car from the medical center. It’s not like we all have all these things we’re attached to. Those houses– those things? They were never ours.” You stare at your husband with desperation in your eyes.
The room stays silent and you look at Joel with serious eyes. Serious and sad. Broken. Painful but there is hope in them now for some reason and you don’t know why. This seems and feels impossible but nothing feels possible anymore.
“Why you pushin’ for this so hard?” Joel asks after a moment. You scan across his face and take in how handsome he really is. How hardened the outbreak really made him. You wonder if he was always like this or not.
“I don’t want to go back. Nothin’ but bad memories there.”
“Blood of our friends…still on the street from that last attack, Joel.” Ken imitates you from earlier but in the most honorable way. “S’not much we can’t bring back here. Does it matter how many times we gotta come back? We’re just sittin’ ducks at that town.” Ken is also on board and now he takes a step towards Joel. “Yer’ lady said earlier she was hopeless there… n’ I didn’t understand until she left n’ I had time to think ‘bout it a little. She’s not wrong. Feels hopeless there. Ever since that attack… doesn’t feel the same.”
“They’re not wrong. There’s been a dark cloud over that place since everything happened with Jacob n’ Ava it feels like.” Maria finally speaks. You’re shocked by what she says.
“Daniel and Jeff already said they’d do tree duty again. We know it’s going to be a lot of work but– come on– let me show you what’s in here.”
Maria stays back with Tommy and the baby while Ken shows you everything that is in this military base.
On top of four more giant common areas with TV’s and DVD players and stereos with walls of CD’s and movies in each one there is the kitchen with a fully functioning kitchen, an entertainment room that has table tennis, two full sized basketball courts, a track so people could run– not you, but people– and a full gym with equipment.
There is also a garage with jeeps and a one caravan truck? It’s big, had a big bed and seats for people to sit on the back. You eye Joel real hard when you see that. You could transport so much shit with that thing!! Everything in your house would fit in there!!!
Ken shows you the armory…which is Joel’s new favorite place and you think him and Ellie are sold on it just by this alone. There are so many guns, so many different things you dunno the name of and honestly aren’t listening when Ken tells Joel– who seems to already know– what they are.
The housing wing is next. Each room is a little apartment, yes. They are not extremely spacious…but you’re completely underground and have so much distance between you an any enemy that could try and harm your family.
“Doors all blown to shit, got a big ole dent in it from the blast… but with enough man power and some clean welds… I could probably get that door back on the hinges…maybe. No promises.” Ken offers this as a solution to there just being a giant metal tunnel sticking out of the ground with no door. It would be easy to pick off any guards at a distance with no cover to keep them safe while the wall is built.
Issues arise in your head now.
“How long did it take you guys to get the wall up the first time?” You ask Ken trying to keep your calm and cool.
“A year. But we didn’t have the fuckin’ tractor. N’ we didn’t have gas for chainsaws. S’bout ten chainsaws in the actual basement of this place.”
“This whole fucking place is a basement.” Joel grumbles.
“Tommy ain’t wrong though. Y’all could build a nice lil city. Build a real moat around the perimeter of this place with it… trees on the inside…fill in all those holes…” Ken is pushing Joel to the edge of saying okay. You can see it in his eyes.
“What else do we have to do? Ain’t got nothin’ but time. Could get the kids an actual place to play sports… Somewhere that actually feels safe… I dunno. I don’t know why this place feels different, Joel.”
“Nothin’ bad happened to you here. Yet.” Joel shoots you a look. “Bad things happen, Bird. What happens when something bad happens here? You gon’ wanna run away?” Joel stares at you and for some reason tears sting at your eyes. You can't believe him. What happened to anything for his Bird? Anything to get her colors back?
“Screw you.”
Notes:
^ I know your husband did not just look at you like that n' say those mean things!?
Do you think everyone should go to the bunker?
So... this is where I tell how I don't know how a grenade works. I also don't know how insert an IV... does it sound like I know how to do either of those things? Would you believe me if I said all that was true? I dunno if it is or not. I use Google and what my brain tells me sounds good, so if you're ex military or a phlebotomist... lemme know what I did wrong. I'm sure I'll use that knowledge again in the future for something.
Chapter 37: Fear and Trembling
Summary:
Though it may haunt us and break our hearts
Death cannot tear us apart
Notes:
Trigger warnings for talks of suicide and bein' depressed and shit. (seriously though, if anyone is struggling please reach out for help. Talk to someone and don't keep all your shit bottled up)
fear and trembling - every time I die
I think I'm exclusively going to use song lyrics from now on.
this chapter is mostly smut with a little plot so I apologize. the porn is for the plot. I promise
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Joel does not follow you when you leave after you tell him to basically fuck off. It's like he shattered what little hope you had growing inside you when he said that.
You go to the room that has the giant basketball courts and just sit against the wall. You hope no one ever finds you. This all just seems so good and you don’t get why he’d wanna stay back at the colony. You don’t want to be there anymore. You just didn’t realize there was somewhere else that was safe to go. That could house your little community of people back in Jackson. Ellie and Nora could grow up here. There is so much land and so many trees off in the distance that the possibilities of this place are really endless. You could build anything here.
The door opens loudly and his big, heavy boots on the floor make you cringe softly.
“Sorry.” Joel’s deep voice echoes in the large, empty room. You don’t look at him. “S’just a lot, what you’re saying.” He adds after you don’t respond. You can feel his anger and frustration radiating off of him but you also sense his fear and anxieties. "I am sorry." He just keeps talking to fill the silence. "Shouldn't say shit like--"
“You think I'm running away?" You don't look at him but instead keep your eyes on your feet in front of you. "Do you think I'm a coward?" It's so hard to not look at him and see his face... but you're mad. You forgive him too easily when you look at him.
“Running away? Yeah. A coward? No.” Joel answers but take no steps towards you.
"S'what cowards do, ain't it? Run away n' hide?" You shake your head in shame. "Maybe s'what I'm trynna do. I dunno." You can barely get the words out. Everything is so hard all of a sudden. Breathing is hard, thinking is hard. Speaking seems impossible but you have so much to say in your itchy, scratchy brain.
“What happens when we get attacked here? 'Cause raiders will come. Infected will come. What happens if somethin’ bad happens here, Bird? You gon’ keep runnin’?” Joel stays where has been since he said sorry. Like he’s afraid to move closer to you.
“You didn’t have your fucking baby almost cut out of your stomach in that place—” You shout at him, you don't mean to but it just comes out of you.
“I watched you almost die there! Two fuckin’ times! You think that place is filled with nothin’ but happy memories fer' me or somethin'? I gotta walk past the spot where you almost bled to death everyday!” Joel cuts you off angrily and doesn’t care. He's shouting right back at you.
“Might watch me actually die there.” This isn’t a threat…it’s a warning, a serious one. “I am sinking, Joel. I don’t know what else to do.” You still don't look at him.
“Birdie, what are you gonna do if we come here…pack up a hundred plus people– just fer' you to be as sad as you are right now. In this place. With no comforts of home?” Joel takes a step forward now and crouches so he can be on your level without sitting beside you. You still don't look at him because the tears will come if you do.
“I dunno.” You whisper sadly.
“I’m old, baby. I’m an old man and I can’t cut down trees anymore. Didn’t really wanna do it the first time.” Joel groans to you with the same sadness. "S'fuckin' hard as shit cuttin' down trees. Hard as hell puttin' back in the ground, too."
“I would do it– I’d do it so you don’t have to.” You have tears rolling down your cheeks. And now you look at him since you're already crying and it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing feels like it matters.
“Lil girl, stop cryin’.” He takes another crouched step towards you and now kneels beside you and holds your face in his, big, strong hands. His calloused thumbs are tough on your cheeks– always have been. You love him so much. “I’ll do whatever you want, always will. But I don’t think this is the best idea. I think we should load up all the shit here. Everything. Make more trips if we need to with those jeeps. Our home is in Jackson. Behind that wall.”
You sob softly because you know this is the truth, but you do not want to accept this. You try and pry his fingers off your face and push him away but he won't allow it. He wants to keep you close and look at you, make you feel safe but you hate him right right now for fighting you on this.
“I just want to stop feeling this way! I don’t care where we live–” You finally push his hands away or he pulls them away, you dunno. You push yourself to your feet and try and walk away but he grabs your upper arm.
“Stop. I mean it.” Joel’s voice booms now in the large room and he wasn’t even being that loud. It makes you pull your shoulders up and cringe anyway though.
“Stop what!? Walking away!? I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t wanna go back there! I also don’t really wanna pack up my whole family an move them underground and spend half a year without you while you build a new wall or while I build it. I don’t want any of those things!” You shout at him. He holds on to your arm gently, staring at your angry face. You’re yelling at him but you can’t help it. It’s all just so hard. “Nothing feels right. Nothing makes sense to me and I just want all this bullshit inside me to fucking end. That’s all I want and it feels fucking impossible.”
Joel pulls you by the upper arm and into his chest. You fight him a little at first, pushing your hands into his chest and stomach until he holds you tightly to him. You deflate. You do not melt. It feels like you die a little bit inside when you stop resisting.
“I just can’t live like this anymore.” You sob softly. "I can't do this anymore."
“You won’t have to. Things will be different.” He murmurs against the top of your sweaty, muddy, unwashed hair. You pull away and look up at him now.
“How?”
"How?" Your tear stained cheeks are the things that Joel has nightmares about. He doesn't fear the infected or those things that go bump in the night... he fears making you cry. Losing his two daughters. He has nightmares of Sarah on the night of the outbreak. You leaving him... he fears all those things because those are worse than the infected or scary things. He can kill scary things and infected. Can't fuckin' get rid of your tears though... and he's just an asshole who can't stop himself from saying mean shit when he's overwhelmed.
"You really want this?" He whispers down to you. He loves when he stands tall and you have to tilt your head to look up at him. Minus your tears and sad eyes this is his favorite way to see you, to touch you. When you're staring up at him and he feels how fragile you feel against him even though he knows your're not. There is something about you just fitting into him perfectly when he wraps his arms around you. Your head fits perfectly between his pecs and he wants you there always. You nod at him but don't speak. "Say it." Joel tips his head down to yours and grazes his lips across yours as he waits to hear your sweet voice.
"I want this. I need it." You whisper into his mouth and he breathes in your words and he'll make those wishes the truth for you.
Joel would do anything for you. He doesn't think you know how much he cares about you, or how far he would go for you. Something about what you did for him and Ellie on the way to Salt Lake... you didn't have to. You could have turned right around and went back to your cabin. Joel wouldn't have been able to stop you. Would have tried. You stayed. You nursed him back to health with Ellie and took care of her for him while he couldn't. Did it all while thinking he brought you there just to fuck you. Joel had been on his way to loving you when he asked you to come with him. Then you did that... He loves you more than you'll ever know.
"Okay." Joel tries to not huff to loudly because leaving the safety of that wall is making his stomach hurt. He thinks is such a bad idea...but he doesn't know what else to do. It's try this or potentially lose his wife. He doesn't wanna have to remove the mirrors and the stopper from your bathroom and lock you in there and only let you out when he can attach himself to you so he knows you won't do anything regretful. He watches your eyes light up-- for the first time in so long. It makes his heart skip a beat when you look at him like that.
"Really?" You whisper up to him and the corners of your mouth curl into the softest smile he's ever seen.
"Do I ever say no to you?" Joel can't help but huff through his nose in annoyance and happiness? How cute you are? The first real smile he's seen on your face outside of the bedroom and interacting with your kids? Dunno. Joel is annoyed by how you make him feel sometimes. He knows that. Knows that you'll get whatever you want from him, because how can he say no to you? You almost died twice and fell twenty five feet-- which Joel still can't believe, he's seen people fall much less distance and get hurt way worse-- he's not a man of God, stopped shortly after his mom died, him and Tommy both stopped going to church after that, but if he had to thank that man upstairs for one thing, it'd be you.
"Thank you." You have new tears in your eyes but they look lighter to Joel some how. They don't carry the weight of your sadness as gazes down at you. "Thank you." You seem so appreciative of this and the sacrifices he-- and so many people are going to have to make-- to make this actually work.
The entire town is here in front of the town hall. Joel is standing on the steps like he and Tommy had after the attack on the town. Jeff and Daniel stand beside you in the crowd. They had gone door to door while you were gone and explained to everyone what was waiting for them if they decided to come.
“Who has questions?” Joel asks with his famous furrowed brow.
The crowd erupts and Joel waves his hand at them dismissively. Someone calls out over the rest of the voices.
“Gotta build another wall?”
“Sure would. Take less time. We have the tractor and there are chainsaws at this old base.” Joel explains sounding very unhappy to be speaking to all of these people alone. Ken, Tommy, Maria and Tomas stayed back until Tommy was good enough to travel or everyone decided to come back with you. Your fate had yet to be decided.
“Places to sleep?”
“Eh. Two bedroom apartments. All real close together.” Joel doesn’t give it pizazz and that makes you mad. You want him to try and sell it and he isn’t.
“All underground?”
“Yup. Doesn’t mean we can’t build on top of it. S’lotta land. Could farm. Yellowstone is an hour away… we could do some good hunting there.” Joel shrugs his shoulders. “It is more secure. Two layers of security once we build that wall. Everything we need to survive a nuclear war is in that old military base. Lot’s of weapons. Lots of space. We’d make it nice. All of us.” Joel looks out over the crowd.
“You gonna transport us in those trucks?” Someone asks after a minute of silence.
“No… This is where it gets tricky… some of y’all might not like it.” Joel pinches his brows together even harder somehow. “Half the patrol and half the colony gets transported by the trucks n’ the jeeps. Sick n’ elderly first with a good group of men n’ women. That first wave of people is going to protect everyone already there. The rest of you? Gotta be on horseback. We got more than enough horses for everyone we can transport.”
The crowd goes fucking nuts.
“Hey!” Joel shouts over all of them. It quiets but not much. “Only reason for that is to preserve fuel. We need it for the tractor n’ the chainsaws.” Joel hollers. “Need a good wave of protection so that when everyone else gets there…there is still somewhere left to live. Sick n’ elderly can’t go on horseback. Tommy n’ Ken said the route they took up here was nice n’ quiet. Had no trouble at all and always had a place t’sleep at night.”
“So…we have to go?”
“We are.” Joel nods down to you, Jeff and Daniel. “If I go, Tommy ain’t got no reason to come back. Y’all are more than welcome to stay here. Doesn’t mean shit to me. If we can talk Connie into comin’, we’re taking the tractor too since none of y’all know how to fuckin’ use it. Takin’ both cars with us, since they are ours.” Joel scowls. “Y’all can stay… but yer’ just stayin’ for another attack.”
“You don’t think we’ll get attacked there?”
“I don't think they can get into that bunker from seven different positions. Got one entrance. That’s it. Not like this place. Blew our wall to bits n’ then what? We were exposed to shit. Least there we can have some fuckin’ warning if they wanna blas our shit. N’ if they try…we’ll burn ‘em, shoot ‘em, blas’tem right the fuck back to where they came from.” Joel growls and your cunt twinges. “Y’all have two days to decide then we go back…with or without y’all. We do not care.”
Joel grabs your hand and leads you through the crowd back towards your house. Jeff and Daniel follow.
“We wanna go there with you. James and I wanna get started on fillin’ in those holes so we got somewhere to to walk. Start cuttin’ trees down. Whatever we can do, Joel.” Jeff stands on the other side of your husband now. Joel does not like Jeff for whatever reason. Joel said he was annoying. You don’t know why! Jeff seems so nice!
“One of you two has to lead the rest of these assholes back to the bunker. Bird ain’t doin’ it.” Joel doesn’t look at either one of the adult men following or standing beside him.
“Sure thing.” Daniel nods. “I could get everyone there. Remember every single town we hit.” The gentleman sounds so proud of himself and it makes you smile.
“Perfect. Pack your shit up and throw it in the truck in front of mine and B’s house. We’ll talk more in the morning.” Joel dismisses both men as you get to your driveway. Instead of leading you inside or even into the garage, Joel takes you out into the backyard.
“Where we goin’?” You are so confused as he leads you out onto the back deck. Joel pulls you against him and wraps his arms around your waist.
"S'real cold the first time we did this." Joel leans down and kisses just underneath your right eye gently. You smirk and look up at him when he pulls away. "S'not so cold anymore...n' yer' lookin' real pretty in the moonlight."
"Oh?" You are grinning now as he speaks to you quietly.
"Yep. Lookin' even prettier than you did when you left, s'like bein' on the road did somethin' to ya." Joel leans to you and rests his forehead against yours. "Lookin' jus' a lil more colorful." He speaks quietly against your cupids bow, his bottom lip touches your upper and sometimes catches it between the two of his. "I missed you. Fuckin' never wanna be without you that long again..."
"I love you." You whisper up to him. Joel kisses across your cheek slowly and gently until he's pressed tightly against your ear.
"I love you too, baby." He whispers softly. "Take off yer' pants." Joel removes himself from being directly pressed against you now and takes two steps back.
“What!?” You exclaim quietly. Nora and Ellie are asleep inside.
“Y’fuckin’ heard me. Take your pants off and get on your hands and knees.” Joel is already working on the belt of his jeans. You start to say something but Joel brings his hand to your face, the calloused web of skin that connects his thumb to his forefinger is pressed underneath your chin, his thumb and fingers dig into your cheeks and pries your mouth open gently as he squeezes his fingers together into your teeth carefully, he doesn't wanna hurt you. "Open, baby girl." He's growling to you softly.
You bite back a distressed sound as his free hand starts to work on the button of your jeans because you’re not actually distressed, just so fucking shocked that he is doing this but you don’t know why! This is a recreation of the first time you guys ever fucked outside and he is perfect.
“You ready for it, slutty girl?” Joel whispers to you as he unfastens your jeans. His hand barely fits between the snug, unforgiving material and your skin but he forces himself down between your legs. You nod up at him with your mouth being held open by his fingers. He spits into your mouth forcefully and noisily. You hum in appreciation as his fingers tease you. You have had no time to get really wet for him.
Joel doesn’t let you swallow his gift… he pulls his fingers from within your jeans and with those same two fingers he presses the pads against your tongue and coats himself in the offering he just delivered to you.
“Pussy fuckin’ dry...fer’ me?” He sounds mad at you but it’s making your knees weak. His fingers massage the soft warmth of your tongue and you can taste yourself on him and it’s intoxicating. Joel leans in and spits into your mouth again, most of it lands on the back of his fingers but he twists his hand and spreads his saliva across his digits and your tongue. “Not fer’ long, lil girl.” His voice rumbles low in his throat as he speaks as his now wet fingers disappear from your mouth. He lets go of your cheeks and kisses you gently. Those two wet fingers slip back into the front of your jeans. He removes his hand from under your chin and wraps it around the back of your neck tenderly, holding you to look up at him as he smirks down at you.
“M'sorry, Daddy.” Your hands grip his shoulders as he slides those fingers back between your velvet folds. You gaze up at him in the moonlight. Joel frowns in mock pity for you and sucks his teeth sadly.
“Awwwh, don’t apologize, baby girl. Daddy’s gon’ fix everything– I’m real good at makin’ everything better. Aren’t I, baby?” Joel purrs down to you deeply and leans in to graze his lips against yours as he slides the length of his fingers through your slit. He pushes up with his digits and it almost makes you stand on your tip toes at how much pressure he puts into you.
“Yes, Daddy.” He pushes the words out of your lungs as he drags his thick, calloused appendages across your clit with this new found provocation. Your mouth hangs open as the rough pads of him circle your clit slowly but with this same demanding force. “You… always… make it… better.” You whimper as he pulls each word out of you slowly with the rotation of his fingers. He smirks down at you and nips at your bottom lip playfully, his eyes look down on you adoringly.
“You want it?” Joel breathes against your chin as he nudges the tip of his nose along yours softly. You nod silently, unable to find words as he strains to push his hands deeper into your jeans. He teases your entrance but is unable to push himself into you. “Say it– beg for it, lil girl.” He growls softly as he tugs his fingers back towards your aching nub.
“I need it. I need…you.” You gasp softly as he pushes against your clit like it was an actual button. He snickers at your desperation quietly to himself, and does it again-- presses you like a button and it makes your feet stumble. He rips his hand from around your neck and wraps that arm around your waist and holds you close to him, supporting you with his other arm pinned between the two of you. He spins his fingers around your clit again. Joel just stares down at you, not saying anything, not smiling, just looking as he makes you tremble against him. You’re dizzy and breathless at the feeling he’s giving you and there is a weird anticipation in the air like you could get caught. He's waiting for you to do something... “Please…Daddy.” Joel grins down at you happily.
“There it is.” Joel pulls his hand from within your jeans. It’s hard to hide your disappointment. Joel was basically bringing you right to that ledge he likes to lead you to, but he pulled you back right before you could jump. “Pants.” He is working on his belt again and now you’re frantic to get your pants down around your ankles.
“Still want me on my—”
“Yuuup. Bend over, slutty thing.” Joel growls as he unzips his jeans. His belt is jingling behind you as you drop to your knees and press your chest to the wooden deck. “Fuuuck…baby girl.” Joel is behind your now and you don’t even care what he does. He could put it in your ass. You do not care.
He doesn’t do that.
Joel teases the length of your slit from your clit up to your entrance. He is hot-- so hot pressed against your folds this way, and he’s moving so tantalizingly slow.
“You miss me, baby girl?” Joel’s voice is cool and slow like he’s not hovering at your entrance about to make you beg for it again. “Been almost two week since you had me inside you.” Joel tips his hips forward and is inside your for half a second.
Joel is teasing himself as he keeps doing that. Just the tip inside your tight canal. Then he’s pulling out and he’s doing it so fast. You can hear the breath catch in his throat as one hand grips your apparently non-existent ass.
“Spank me.” You purr softly to him as he continues his taunting, shallow thrusts.
“Jeeesus.” Joel groan deeply in his throat as he connects his big, strong palm to the flesh of your ass. You feel it ripple and jiggle under his hand and you know Tommy was being so dramatic because you do still have an ass. It’s moving underneath your husbands hand. “Want another?” Joel moves his hand across your ass cheek slowly, rubbing the sting out from his last spanking.
“Yes please, Daddy.” You smirk back at him over your shoulder and he’s already smiling down at you, pulling his hand back to give you more. Give you whatever you want because he loves making you happy.
When his hand connects with you, he thrusts his hips forward. You have had no time to touch, slip a finger inside, nothing. You’ve been surrounded by two men at night and four at all times during the day. You couldn’t touch yourself even if you wanted to. You had no desire though because you had been anxious but not anymore. Not when he splits you in two and his fingers bite into your bare flesh. Joel’s jeans are cold in comparison to the warm backs of your thighs.
“Fuck. Jesus Christ.” Joel spits out as he holds himself inside of you. “S’fucking perfect n’ tight, baby. Shit.” Joel hisses as he withdraws from you slowly. “Ain’t done nothin’ since you left…” Joel trails off as one of his index fingers traces your asshole gently. “Waited fer’ you.” He whispers as he pushes sheathes himself into you completely once again.
“I– I didn’t t-touch m-myself either.” You choke out as he fills you once again. His girth is stretching you in all the best ways-- like he stopped fitting inside of you in those two weeks and now he needs to make space for himself again.
“Wanna see both of your holes filled…” Joel mumbles so quietly you don’t think it was meant for your ears…but you heard that out here in the quiet moonlit backyard.
“D-Do you wanna p-put something in my ass...while you fuck me, Daddy?” You coo back to him through your stretching and pleasure. Joel’s cock throbs and twitches inside of you when you say that. He moves his hips now instead of holding his hips against yours.
“You’d let me? Or let me be the one in your ass?” Joel groans softly as he speaks, his hips move slow but he hilts out with force, pushing you forward slightly when he does it. You hum in response as the ridge of his cock grates across your spongy spot inside of you as he pulls back. “Words, Bird. Need t’hear ya say that.” He sighs softly.
“I– I would let you… Oh fuck.” You sigh over your moans as he pushes back into you. “I’d let you fuck my ass, Daddy.” You say it fast before he can stutter you again with pleasure. The sound that comes out of Joel is filthy.
“You put your fingers in your cunt while I take your ass?” Joel is prompting you with the next dirty talking response your supposed to give him but you can barely hear him. He’s pushing himself into you so deeply, it’s expelling all of the air out of you. Joel spanks your ass softly and then digs his fingers back into your flesh. “You’d do that for Daddy?”
“Yes.” You sob softly as he finally pulls back– away from your cervix– and continues with his slow thrusts forward.
This is all very, very familiar to the first time he fucked you outside in the open. No buildings or rooms to hide in. Far enough away from a sleeping Ellie, hidden behind trees so that you couldn’t get caught. You had to be quiet and he had to be fast. There was no taking your time on the road but here on the back deck?
Joel had nothing but time. You are desperate for release.
“Please I wanna come.” You whimper as his hand roams the globe of your ass cheek. Joel snickers and spanks you again softly.
“You think I don’t?” He grips your flesh again like he missed it. Like he needs your skin against his palm or something bad will happen to him. “You bein’ selfish, baby girl?” Joel pushes his hips into yours again– you mewl gently as he fills you again.
“Sorry, Daddy.” You snivel and attempt to reach down between your legs but Joel’s big, strong hand is waiting for you. He takes your hand in his and closes his fingers around your entire fist.
“No.” He growls.
“What!?” You exclaim pushing your hand back against his. Joel drives his hips forward and steals the the next words right out of your mouth. You were going to ask how come!? You wanna gush on him so badly! This was his idea!! To fuck outside!
“I said no. Don’t fuckin’ touch it. You don’t get told no enough, lil girl. I'm makin’ you fuckin’ spoiled. A spoiled fuckin’ brat.” Joel scolds you firmly as he slaps your hand away again. You’re almost in tears from your need for release.
“P-P-Plesase.” You whimper quietly as the ball of warmth and bliss plateaus inside of you. It doesn’t grow, it doesn’t shift. It’s just this insanely good feeling of wanting– needing more. Needing something inside of you to burst and it wont.
“N-N-No.” Joel loves to mock you, it's his favorite thing, to imitate your cries for release. He pushes himself inside of and you both listen to you moan softly. “You’ll come when I want you to, brat."
"Fuck-- pleease." You are a sobbing mess underneath.
"Open your fuckin' hand, Jesus Christ." Joel snaps at you as he loosens his grip and moves his fingers to your wrist. "Touch." He whispers down you as he leans over your back. The metal buttons on his denim jacket are cold as they press against your exposed ass and lower back. You open your hand as Joel keeps his cock warm inside you. He pushes your hand against your slit but keeps his grip on your wrist. "Do it."
You start circling your clit just like he had done with his bigger, stronger fingers. You sigh happily at this satisfying sensation.
“What do you say to Daddy?” He is growling in your ear as he tortures both of you with his achingly slow thrusts inside of you. Your fingers are feverishly spinning around your throbbing nub between your legs as Joel stretches your cunt from behind slowly.
“Th-Th-Thank you.” You choke out as your body starts to tremble. You suck in a deep breath and clench your walls around Joel as you and him work together to bring you where you’d like to be. You try and push your hips back against him but he holds you tight with one hand, the other is still wrapped around your wrist.
“Gonna come?” Joel questions as his speed increases only slightly. You can only hum softly in response. Joel tightens his grip on your wrist and you know what he’s going to do before he actually does it. You try and whimper and whine in protest but he pulls your still circling fingers away. “Not yet, lil girl.” He growls and grips your wrist tightly and uses his strength to keep you from touching, from giving yourself release.
You thought you were a crybaby before?
“Joel...please.” You do sob, a real one with tears attached to it because it’s been two fucking weeks of nothing. Two weeks of waiting for this and now he won't give it to you.
“Th’fuck did you call me?” He chuckles in your ear and grinds his hips into your ass roughly, with real force and real frustration behind it. “Who am I?”
You are so desperate for him to make you gush that now you’re frustrated, just like he is. You don't mean to be as harsh as you are but you need him to fuck you.
“Fuck. You’re Daddy. Please. P-Please. I n-need it so b-bad.” You’re choking on the words behind sobs of so many different emotions inside of you and you just need to feel good, not frustrated. Joel must sense this because he starts to thrust, quickly and with determination. Your legs immediately start to shake and the tears of frustration turn to one of satisfied pleasure.
“Fuckin’ brat.” Joel simpers behind you as he grips your ass once again. “Fuckin’ spoiled rotten, lil brat.” Joel hisses as his fingers bite into your flesh again. You feel his cool belt tapping against your inner thigh with each now frenzied thrust inside of you. This is what you needed. You needed him to punch the air out of you every time he drove his hips into yours. It's incredible. His fingers dig into you harder.
Joel usually keeps his nails neat and trimmed but he’s gripping you so tightly that you can feel his fingernails digging into you.
“Ow oww ow.” You whimper softly and Joel’s grip immediately loosens but he continues to thrust and holds you by the hips now with a sweet and tender grasp.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” He lans down and presses his lips to your spine through your sweatshirt. “So fuckin’ sorry, lil girl. Don’t wanna hurt you.” He’s thrusting and you can tell he wants you to come now, he feels so fucking bad for actually hurting you. You’ve never said ow before and he doesn’t like it. “Come on me, Birdie-girl. Come for Daddy, I wanna feel ya gush.”
He had been inflating that perfect ball of heat and white light that is going to explode in your lower belly and behind your eyes and now he gives you permission. You weren’t going to wait for it even if he tried to make you, but he gives it to you as a reward and an apology for being hurt and being so patient with him while he teased you.
“Oh fuck. Fuck. Fu…ck.” You’re panting and still have tears in your eyes and now Joel is moaning behind you, whispering dirty fucking shit in your ear as he brings you right there. He pushes forward one more inch and sends you over the edge.
“Yer’ such a good fuckin’ girl.” He breathes against the nape of your neck as he presses his torso into your back. “Gonna come inside you. Y’want that, baby girl? Want it deep in you or you want me to paint your lips? Coat you in my—”
“Ohhh myy god,” You groan and have to put your hand over your mouth when you’re louder than you mean to be. That hot bliss and white lights is still reeling inside of you. It’s coursing through your whole body, down to your toes. Your eyes flutter between closed and open as he continues driving himself into you. You let go and gush. You're glad you put your hand over your mouth because you would have woken someone up with the ludicrous sounds coming out of you as your gush soaks the front of his jeans. Joel inhales sharply as you gush again, twice, as he pistons into you while you do it.
“Yer' so fuckin' bad...at bein' quiet.” Joel moans in your ear quietly as he pummels into you from behind. “So fuckin’ perfect, baby. I l-love you so f-fuckin’ much.” He presses his lips to the crown of your skull as he rocks his hips forward once more and holds himself into the deepest part of you. His orgasm is long. He can barely keep his own moans contained and they come out in stiff, labored breathes with hums attached to them intermittently. He’s inside of you for so long– twitching and throbbing and you just lay underneath him still sobbing from how good and frustrating that whole ordeal was.
“Shiiit.” He sighs softly. “Fuckin’ incredible, Birdie.” He kisses the top of your head again and sighs into your hair. “Sorry I hurt’chya. What’d I do? Squeeze ya too hard?”
“Nails.” You whimper out as his cock begins to soften inside of you. You turn your head to the side and see him inspect the length of his nails and shake his head from side to side.
“Sorry, baby. Dunno why I did that. Didn’t mean to hurt you.” Joel is still inside of you and still on his knees behind you. “Didn’t mean–”
“I know. Can we go inside, please? I'm cold. Knees hurt.” You’re chest and knees are cold and a little wet from the damp wood of the deck. It's hard. You wanna be in bed. You liked getting fucked outside, still do kinda, but there is a warm bed inside and it's calling your name.
“Shit, yeah. I’m sorry.” He sounds like he forgot like he was out here and not already in bed. Joel stuffs himself back into his jeans and he has to help you up, your legs feel like jelly in the worst way. “Sorry, baby.” He pulls your jeans up for you and kisses your lips gently. “Didn’t mean to hurt you.” Joel is pressing his lips into yours and holding into your waist gently. He didn’t even bother to button up your jeans.
“I know. You don’t have to say sorry–”
“I do. S’never my intention when we do that.” He whispers and picks you up underneath the arms. “Legs.” He whispers into your mouth now as he kisses you again. You wrap your legs around his middle. “I feel so bad. Didn’t like hearing you say ow ‘cause of me,” He is carrying you around to the front yard so you two can go inside.
“I know.” You caress his cheekbone with your lips softly and press them to the side of his face as he opens the door. “I know.” He has his hands on your ass, carrying you through the threshold of the front door.
“Hate hurtin’ you. Never wanna do it.” Joel whispers as you kiss down his cheek and into his short facial hair. It’s rough and scratchy but you don’t care. Your fingernails scratch and scritch the stubble on his chin and he groans throatily . “Loooove when you do that, lil girl. Shiiit.”
Joel sets you down in front of the bed and undresses you slowly- kissing and nipping as your flesh as he does it, and once you’re naked, he undresses right in front of you. He presses his body against yours before pulling you into bed.
“I love you. Willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy.” He whispers in the darkness. Joel’s warmth radiates through you and makes you feel safe and happy. “Just… ya gotta keep tryin’ once we get there. Gonna talk Don into comin’ with us. I think you should go see if you can get Patti to come too.” His fingers trawl across your stomach and up the curve of your breast. “Don’t want you thinkin’ everything’s jus’ gon’ fix itself once we get there. Gotta keep tryin’, Bird. Promise?”
“I promise.”
Joel is fucking terrified. Are you kidding? Picking up and moving his whole family including his nine month old daughter? She’s done the trip twice but what the fuck? Joel is having a hard time believing this is really happening as he walks to Don’s house with Nora. Ellie is packing up her room and then she will help you with the kitchen. Joel is going to talk to Don…and then Patti. You said you’d rather pack as much as you can and go find out who is going to come. You didn’t need therapy today and that made Joel even more nervous.
You do need it. You haven’t had it in two weeks and you were real fuckin’ sad the other day so… Joel is worried.
Don is glad to see Nora, which Joel likes because Nora reaches for Don as soon as the door opens and the older man has her in his elbow crook before Joel even gets in the door. Don is a good man and Joel hopes he can get him to come. He should have gone to see Patti first because if Patti said yes… Don couldn’t stay here without his lil girlfriend.
“Patti told me about the meeting you had at the town hall last night. We’re really relocating?” Don seems interested in this which makes Joel sigh softly.
“Want to. It’s a nice place. Big old military base they build for the cold war I guess? Like a small city down there. Big giant kitchen…we could do parties like we used to. There’s just a lot more there for us.” Joel huffs, knowing it’s the truth.
What Joel really wants to go there for is in the armory and in the garage. Two of those armored jeeps had fucking M2’s mounted to the back of them. Joel could go nuts with that thing.
“I’m not a big fan of being on horseback.” Don admits and sounds embarrassed. Joel pinches his brows together and shakes his head.
“You wouldn’t have to go on a horse. If Patti wants to come–”
“She is home packing already. She is going to come here and help me when she is done.” Don smiles at Joel happily as Nora repeatedly tries to grab at his glasses and misses.
“Good. Glad yer’ gonna come. We’ll make sure you and Patti get an apartment real close so you two don’t have to walk far for your lil middle of the night meetin’s.” Joel smirks as Don chuckles heartily.
“Oh, that’s much appreciated.” Don teases and hands Nora her favorite TV remote.
“Gotta question ‘bout my wife… if you don’t mind helpin’ me out a lil?” Joel needs more answers to the questions he has in his head.
“Of course.”
“I guess she asked Patti ‘bout what medications would help her with whatever she’s dealing with…n’ I guess she found some.” Joel admits like he is ashamed of this and he doesn’t know why. Not at all. It’s just something he feels inside of him when he says it.
“An SSRI?” Don says a bunch of letters that Joel doesn’t know what they stand for. His therapist can tell. “Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. They’re for mood disorders. She start taking them yet?”
“No. Patti told her it’s a little dangerous to take ‘em n’ then not have enough to keep ya goin’.” Joel can’t look at Don when he says it and again, he doesn’t fucking know why.
“Can be dangerous just to take them in general. They have a plethora of side effects that can sometimes be worse than the depression and thoughts of suicide.”
Don says suicide so casually and that word makes Joel’s stomach knot inside of him.
“What kind of side effects? B didn’t mention anything other than just gettin’ worse.” Joel feels like nothing is going to make you happy again. If this bunker and your two daughters and Joel himself can’t do it? He doesn’t know what will.
“Dry mouth, constipation, weight gain–”
Joel likes the idea of you putting some weight back on but doesn’t say anything.
“--insomina. Change in your sex drive. A couple of my patients said they were unable to achieve orgasm when they were on it. That made them more depressed. Headache are another common side effect. Migraines for the first couple months you’re on them. Usually don’t see real lasting effects until you’ve been on them for three to four months.”
“Jesus, that long? I dunno if she’s got that long.” Joel grumbles.
“It’s bad? Her mental health?” Don sounds worried.
“She opened up to me the night before she left n’ yeah. It’s bad. I’m worried ‘bout her. Never been worried ‘bout her like this…” Joel trails off before he says what he wants because he doesn’t know if it’ll change Don’s mind about coming. “I’m going back to that base…for her. It’s safe, yeah. But…B says she needs a change of–”
“Scenery? I would have suggested that the first time Patti told me she was suicidal, but where would you go? Where would you have taken her?” Don tilts his head to the side. “Sometimes…people can’t heal in the place they were harmed. It’s not easy to understand for those of us who can move past things easily. Talk about things and they’re no longer a burden.” Don explains. “Birdie doesn’t seem to be one of those people. Some people just… can’t. They get better and then they’re tossed back into the fire when something that triggers those memories comes back.”
“Why is this shit so fuckin’ hard? I don’t get it.” Joel shakes his head in frustration. “Jus’ wanted to be married. Have a couple kids. Didn’t expect any of this shit to fuckin’ happen.”
“Are we ever prepared for anything life throws at us? You think your wife was prepared to have to be a new mom to two children, not just this one–” He looks down to Nora. “She had a whole teenager to raise– teens are difficult and mean– she had a depressed, drunk husband who wouldn’t sleep with her, talk to her– you said that she told you it felt like you couldn’t stand to be near her, right?”
“Sure.” Joel rolls his eyes at this question because it hurts that she said that to him. Hurts that he was that distant from his perfect wife when she needed him just as badly as he was needing her when he was sleeping on that couch.
“You have a child and your life changes this much.” Don holds his index and thumb up for Joel to see the small space between them. “Your wife has a child? And her whole entire world is tossed upside down. New fears. New hormones. New responsibilities. New guilt that she probably never expected to have. She isn’t the same Bird you met before you got married. She is a wife and a mother now, and she struggles.”
“She’s fuckin’ sufferin’. Struggle is to nice of a word fer’ what poor Bird is dealin’ with.” Joel is sad for you. Wants nothing more than for you to be his happy wife.
“Do you still love her?” Don asks curiously.
“Of course. Why?” Joel is offended that Don would even say anything like that.
“Sometimes… resentment occurs when spouses become depressed. I want you to just be aware of that… she is suffering… she isn’t trying to be like this– she doesn’t want to be like this. She may seem stubborn or unwilling to try things that may help but that doesn’t mean that she isn’t also wishing this shit wasn’t so fucking hard.” Don swears at Joel and it’s a little alarming because Joel doesn’t know if Don has actually ever sworn at him. “Be patient with your Bird. She’ll get her wings back soon.”
Notes:
^ okay, say it with me. It's Joel Miller... not Javier Pena... It's Joel Miller.... and he's teaching you how to not be a brat! (lol jk he fucking loves that he made you a brat)
Sorry about that DEBAUCHERY. SORRY THE WHOLE CHAPTER WAS JUST SMUT. I'm not actually sorry, I'm really proud of that whole thing.
I love when Joel shows how much he loves Birdie in the way he fucks her. got dam.
Chapter 38: Deep in the Willow
Summary:
deep in the willow
hidden from grace
succumb to insecurity
your final resting place
Notes:
TRIGGER WARNING--- some pretty heavy shit about a baby we don't know (not really descriptive, just sad and talks of childhood trauma and such)
deep in the willow - knocked loose
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Packing and loading up a vehicle with whatever you wanted from your home. Joel found a car seat for Nora. Don and Patti rode with your family. Everyone else came in the big caravan truck or the other two cars from the colony. Everyone else would be here on horseback in two weeks time. There would be several trips made back to Jackson for everyone's things but, it would be easier and go faster if there were less people to transport. Joel figured it all out. He let you pack the house and decide what to bring.
The only thing he wanted was the picture that hung above your bed in the second house you shared together. You had no idea it even meant that much to him or that he even liked it that much. It was just a realist painting of the woods in autumn. Oranges and yellows and reds adorned the canvas. It was bright but still muted by the browns and darkness of the immensity of the woods that were hidden just behind the first couple trees. You look at it now for the first time and realize how nice it is. You like it too and are glad Joel told you to bring it.
Took two days. You've been back at the bunker for three more days getting settled in and helping everyone else find apartments and show everyone around. It's actually very exciting. The place isn't abandoned anymore. It's buzzing with life and it gives everything a whole new vibe and feel. There is a heartbeat inside this place and you can feel it.
You do not have a dry tub to cry in. Only a stand up shower and that's not as fun.
But you also haven't felt the need or urge to cry since you got here.
Trees are already being cut down at twice the rate they had been going down in Jackson– Joel is not letting you cut them down. He said his old back won't hurt so bad with a chainsaw. You’re visiting Tommy for the first time since you got back. It’s just you and him.
“You did good out there, kid” Tommy smirks at you as you hand him the joint back. He’s still in the hospital wing…but this is his pain medicine so, who cares. “You start takin’ that medicine yet? It helpin’?”
“I haven’t. Don’t have enough for it to actually work. I guess those need like three or four months to start working.” You sigh smoke out of your nose.
“So what’re you gonna do?” Tommy looks at you with worried eyes. “Joel told me how bad it is, Bird. Really told me– s’why you pushed so hard to come here.” Tommy hands the joint back to you. “S’that bad?” You don’t know how you feel about Joel talking to Tommy about your mental health, but Tommy seems genuinely concerned.
“I dunno.”
“He ever tell you our dad was suicidal after our mom died?” He whispers quietly like Joel might be right outside the door and not almost a mile away cutting down trees somewhere. Your jaw drops.
“No . What?” You gawk.
“Dunno if Joel knew how bad it really was…he was outta the house already– was ‘bout to move in with his girlfriend aka future ex-wife.” Tommy starts to explain. “Dad was just… shiit , torn the fuck up ‘bout mom. I think Joel thought he was just doin' it for attention 'er somethin'. I dunno. It was real sudden n’ real sad. Our dad just never got better. Never talked to anyone about it but me..”
“You? He told you he was suicidal?” You whisper softly. Tommy shakes his head no dramatically.
“Found that motherfucker with his revolver in his mouth! ‘Bout to pull the fuckin’ trigger n’ might’a done it if I hadn’t come home.” Tommy huffs. “Sonofabitch would’a fuckin’ traumatized me for like if he had done that.” He scoffs now.
“You don’t think finding your dad with his gun between his teeth was traumatizing?” You blink at Tommy in surprise.
“Shit. Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Tommy sighs and hits the joint again. “Dad died of some fuckin’ heart problem a couple years later. Never talked about what happened in the living room that day. But yeah, our dad was suicidal.”
“You ever tell Joel about that?”
“Of course I did!” Tommy exclaims. “Of course. Joel came right over…we all talked. Joel just didn’t get it. Didn’t get why dad would wanna do something like that when he had two young men to watch raise…” Tommy glances at you with nervous eyes. “But you know it’s not that easy…I think he’s realizing our dad didn’t have a choice in it either. You clearly don’t.”
“I wish I could just choose to not feel this way.” You snort softly.
“I know, Birdie. I know.” Tommy is genuine and very understanding. “In the most not weird way possible…You’re amazing, Bird. I watched you give birth to my niece right out on the sidewalk… you did that shit like a fuckin’ champ, B. Really…you blew me away that night n’ I don’t think I ever told you that.” Tommy hands you the joint and smiles at you softly. “S’incredible thing to witness and I’m glad I could be there for you when you needed someone.”
“I’m glad you were there too, honestly. If not Joel, at least someone who kinda looks like him.” You smirk at him softly. “I forget all the time that you were the first person to hold Nora.”
“Ruined my favorite fuckin’ t-shirt. Got all yer’ fuckin’ womb juice on it–”
“Don’t ever call it that again. What?” You blink at Tommy.
“S’what it was. Blood n’ fuckin’ nast–”
“Tommy!!” You exclaim and hand him the joint back after taking two more hits.
“Nasty.” Tommy chuckles at you and takes the joint back. His eyes soften and he relaxes a little in the hospital bed. “Ken told me yer’ the one who got fluids into me. Thanks. Ken said that shit saved my life– everyone actin’ so fast. Getting fluids, getting cleaned up. Just wanna say thanks for that.”
“You think I was going to go back home to my scary husband and your terrifying wife to tell them that you died? No. I would have just stayed here with your dead body, hiding from them forever.” You are so serious. “All of our kids would have grown up with just one parent because there was no way I was gonna go home and live two doors down from Maria…” You stare at him. Tommy chuckles softly.
“That’s a good fuckin’ reason to save someones life.” He nods his head at you. “Maria can be a hard ass…s’why I love her. She doesn’t put up with shit from anyone.” He nods at you. “I had to learn that from her, I took shit for a long time.”
“Joel?” You whisper. Tommy nods.
“Oh yeah. I didn’t get paid for the first five months Joel had his business going… I was living with him n’ not paying rent', he just didn’t pay for those first five months until a year later. N’ I had to fuckin’ start growin’ weed n’ sellin’ it on the side just to have some kinda back up for that lost cash. ” Tommy scoffs. “Said he was doin’ me a favor lettin’ me live with him n’ his girl for those five months. Like I didn’t go into the hole with my own shit because of that. But I let it slide, never said nothin’ ‘cause that’s my brother, he was doin’ me a favor. Needed a place 'cause I didn't have a car n' Joel would drive me in. Then I was growin' weed in his basement. Sellin' it outta his house.”
You have nothing to say because you don’t know what to say.
“He started to pay me once I moved out, moved in with the girl I was with at the time...but it took him a whole year to get that back owed money to me." Tommy shakes his head. "I knew he was strugglin' to get the business goin'. Still sucked for me. I never told him how much it put me out, but he also never asked." Tommy sounds sad about this frame of time with his brother. "I find out that he's getting abused right under my nose thirty years later. I dunno if he was gettin' hit when I was there. Didn't seem like it. But now I think back to all those times he was so desperate to just have one more drink at the bar. Didn't wanna go right home after work. Make's sense now. Didn't then. Lotta shit didn't make sense. Wish he would'a just talked to me."
"He never told you?" You whisper softly. Tommy laughs softly.
"Hell no. I asked a couple times. Just told me he was-- sorry for this-- gettin' his dick wet real good. Didn't need to worry about it. Told me to go learn how to please my lady n' stop worryin' 'bout him." Tommy snickers quietly to himself. "Such a fuckin' dick sometimes. Just want's to say shit to hurt someones feelin's." Tommy shakes his head disappointingly.
“Why does he do that?” You whisper softly. Tommy shrugs.
“I think it’s so that he doesn’t ever have to walk away from a fight. Joel loves scrappin’-- loved it before the outbreak. N’ so he either runs his mouth to start a fight or worse, runs his mouth to try n’ end it before the fight ever really starts. If he can get someone to walk away just by talkin’? Shiiit , Joel won. Loves to punch but also loves to know he can just cut someone down with his words. Been good at it his whole life.” Tommy nods.
“Damn.”
“I know. S’fucked but…that’s Joel. Always has been. The only person he never, ever spoke to like that was our Mom. N’ he just got more mean n’ more angry when she died.” Tommy spills about your husband and you’re nervous– like you shouldn’t know this because Joel didn’t tell you.
“Mean to you?”
“Hell, I got it the fuckin’ worst. He took it out on our Dad a little… was real frustrated with him.” Tommy swallows hard and now the joint has gone out and neither one of you are worried about relighting it. “Joel said some real harsh things to Dad right before he died…never really got to talk to him again after that. I think it eats him up.” Tommy admits. “Think he beats himself up for it.”
“What did he say?” You don’t think you really wanna know.
“Joel was young, in his twenties and now I know now he was gettin’ hit by his ex, so it makes a lil more sense than it did then.” Tommy starts. “He just called our Dad a joke. Said he was pathetic for lettin’ his boys fall to the wayside the way he did. Mostly ‘cause our Mom had died n’ we needed Dad, real bad. N’ he wasn’t always able to do what Dad’s do.”
“What do dads do? Mine was a dick so, I don’t really know what you mean.” You whisper. Tommy sucks his teeth sadly and shakes his head.
“We always used to hunting, fishing…Dad loved to trap n’ kill. He was a carpenter, taught Joel and I everything we know about the trade.” Tommy doesn’t look at you. “Once Mom died, our Dad kept doin’ all those things…without us. He’d do it alone. That broke Joel’s heart.”
“Fuck.” You sigh. “Why didn’t he bring you anymore?” You whisper, leaning in so that maybe Tommy will look at you again.
“Dunno. Never asked. I always just tried to enjoy the time I had with him, regardless of if he was sad or drunk or whatever he was feelin’. I just sat with him, listened to him. Joel couldn’t just sit n’ be sad with him anymore. Tried for a while n’ then I guess his wife started hittin’ him because Joel stopped comin’ around after a while. I dunno if those two things correlate or not, but Joel just couldn’t sit around drinkin’ n’ smokin’ and listening to Dad tell the same stories about mom over and over. I could though. S’hard, sure. But…he was my dad? Wantin’ to talk about my dead mom? Hell yeah. I could’a listened to him all day.” Tommy smiles softly but still doesn’t look at you.
“My dad made me shoot my mom in the head.” You offer as a suggestion to… make him realize that he had it pretty good? You dunno. You’re so uncomfortable and those words just kind of come out of you without any filter. Tommy does snap his head up now, looking at you with wide eyes.
“What!?” He spits it out in a whisper. Surprisingly, you talk about it with Tommy. He stares and blinks at you the whole time. You tell him what you did to your dad. Tommy says nothing the entire time.
You let out a big sigh once you finish.
“Jeeeesus fuckin’ Christ, Birdie…” Tommy’s voice cracks and he has to clear his throat.
“Yeah. S’real fucked up.” You nod. You didn’t cry! You didn’t even really feel bad for it anymore. Yeah, you’re still sad about your mom but that guilt you were harboring in your heart for her and your dad doesn’t feel so guilty. Tommy didn’t look at you like you were a monster or a murderer…he looked like he fuckin’ knew exactly how it felt to sit there and watch your fucking dad die slowly and not do anything to stop it.
“More n’ fucked up. Sorry you had to deal with all that.” Tommy is shaking his head from side to side slowly and then his eyes widen a little. “Hey, don’t… don’t tell Joel I told you all that. Okay?” Tommy frowns softly now.
“I wasn’t gonna. I’ll act real surprised if he ever chooses to tell me himself.” You smile gently and Tommy returns the gesture.
“He might. He’s not a real ‘open up about his feelings kinda guy’ if you hadn’t noticed. Don’t want him gettin’ mad that I told you somethin’ he should be tellin’ you.” Tommy frowns again.
“You talk to Maria about all this stuff?” You asks softly, dropping your gaze to the floor.
“Hell yeah. Maria wanted to know. Asked all the time ‘bout how I grew up. Wanted to know how I was raised n’ shit ‘cause she wanted to raise a baby with someone who wanted to do that n’ would do it with her the way she wanted.” Tommy laughs. “Mar knew what the fuck she wanted n’ I was willin’ to give her anything to be the one she wanted.” Tommy chuckles softly.
Fuck. Why did that make you feel bad??
Why did you not ask Joel these things??
“That’s real sweet.” You breathe out to him and he frowns again.
“What? Joel not everything you wanted?” He asks nervously.
“No, he is. I just don’t know as much about him as I’d like… we talked before I left n’ he said he’d open up a little more– and then I was gone for two weeks. Now we’re busy again. Just feels like it’s never ending.” You feel like you could cry but you don’t.
“I’m gonna be a lil harsh, but I think you need it…is that okay?” Tommy leans his head down so you can see his face. You tilt your head up so he doesn’t have to strain.
“Sure. What can it hurt?”
“S’life, Birdie. Bad things happening? Gonna keep happening.” Tommy sounds like he didn’t wanna deliver this news to you. “Yer’ gonna keep struggling, keep dealin’ with shit…n’ I know you don’t have any control how you deal or handle those things right now… but you have to keep tryin’. Have to keep pushin’. You’re not the only one bad shit happens to. S’not a black cloud over just yer’ head n’ no one else’s. You’re strugglin’... think about all these people here…n’ now think about what they might be goin’ through and not tellin’ you about it.” Tommy reaches for your hand and you let him hold yours gently.
“It’s just hard sometimes.” You whisper to him almost silently.
“Of course it is. If it wasn’t hard, wouldn’t fuckin’ mean nothin’. What’s a life worth if you ain’t have to fight for it, B? Really? Everything handed to you? No struggles? That the kind of person you wanna be? Or you wanna be the person who over-fucking-came shit that tried to kill you?” Tommy smiles at you and his eyes soften like Joel’s. “I seen you almost die jus’ as many times as your husband…I know how fuckin’ strong you are. You lived– doctors looked in mine and Maria’s eyes n’ said you were gonna die, Birdie. You looked dead… you lived through that shit.”
Tommy’s words are again, repairing and soothing something within you that you didn’t really know was broken. He’s speaking these things and it’s calming the unhinged scratching and digging in your brain. Not stopping it, not silencing it. It’s just calm and not as frantic to relive that not-so-desperate prickling inside your frontal lobe or where the fuck ever your happiness came from. It’s not quiet inside your head…but ten million bad thoughts aren’t all screaming at you all at once. They each patiently wait their turn to tell you what’s wrong with you…which is less overwhelming than being screamed at.
“Thank you, Tommy.” You squeeze his hand gently. “Get better so you can go help my husband–”
“Don’t you fuckin’ dare say cut down trees. You asshole. I’m tired of cuttin’ trees down. I like puttin’ ‘em in the ground way more. S’easier!” Tommy exclaims as you stand up. You chuckle.
“Joel says it’s the other way around.” You smirk at him.
“Yer’ husband is fuckin’ stupid.”
You walk outside with Ken along where the perimeter has been shallowly dug into the ground. The tractor still isn’t here yet, it’s coming with the group on the horses, but once it’s here, trees will start going into the ground and it doesn’t feel real. Both of you have on a bulletproof vest, a bandanna around your face an a hat on. You carry identical M4 Carbines across your chest. You have no idea what the fuck that means other than it’s a military issued weapon and it packs a fucking punch from what Ken says.
“You excited?” Ken asks from behind his bandanna. You nod and keep your eyes on the trees in the distance. You’re looking for anything moving that shouldn’t be. Pretty simple but it is dark out, not much moonlight out because of the clouds. “S’wrong? You’re normally more talkative on patrol. Last two nights you wouldn’t shut up.” Ken chuckles.
“Nothing.” You sigh. You mean it, nothing really is wrong, you just talked about all the things. You don’t wanna keep telling him the same story about Nora being cute or Ellie being a bratty teen once again.
“You ever have any family in the military?” Ken asks, after a moment of silence and now you feel like a dick, because yes you did. You could have been talking about that the whole time.
“My brother was in the Army. I dunno what he did or anything. I was eleven when he went in. I didn’t see him much, he didn’t really come home when he was on leave.” You explain with sadness in your heart.
You hate talking about your brother. He was the only man in your life before the outbreak who really cared and loved for you. Without any expectations back from you. Jackie was nice to you but that’s because he wanted to fuck you. Your dad wasn’t nice to you at all. You had guy friends and boys you knew outside of your brother before the whole world went to shit.
Paul was just your brother who wanted to take care of you and hated the way your dad spoke to the women in your house. He never did say anything to your dad about it. Never got involved but always checked on you, your sister and your mom when Dad would especially angry or mean or terrible. Checked every time, really. Always came with a hug and apology.
“Sorry. Dunno why I never say anything…”
Ken wraps his arm around your shoulder and pulls you into his side for two seconds and then lets go.
“We don’t gotta talk ‘bout him if it’s gonna make you sad, punk. Didn’t mean to make you blue.”
Ken is tall, almost six foot five inches you’d say. He is sixty-seven, but he stays in good shape. He runs everyday in the early mornings– even before everyone relocated. He’d run the entire perimeter of the wall twice. It’s been hard for him to do that now since he took that terrible beating on the roof with Gary, but he still works out. Had a gym in his garage. His military life stuck with him even after he left. He’s always clean shaven. His blonde hair is always neatly tucked behind his ears and you’ve never seen him without his camo baseball cap on. He’s always wearing jeans and his bulletproof vest with something on underneath– t-shirt, thermal long sleeve, a sweatshirt. And in the winter he’d wear his jacket right over the top of it.
Ken is good and you love him. He might sleep in the vest though.
“I just wish I had seen him more. He left, then my sister went to college a year later. Lonely in my house after that.” You shrug your shoulder and keep your eyes peeled on the trees. Nothing seems to be happening out there but the chainsaws make so much noise.
“Mom n’ dad split?” He asks curiously.
“I fuckin’ wish! Holy shit. I didn’t get that lucky. They just fought all the time. My dad yelled. My mom didn’t yell back. She cried.” You snort even though it is not funny at all.
“Shit, punk. I’m sorry. Sucks when parents can’t pull it together for their kids.” Ken says this and suddenly all those things that Tommy had repaired in you three hours ago are shattered within you again. You suck. You’re one of those parents. Jesus. Now you want Ken to leave you alone.
“Yeah. Sure does.” You sigh after two seconds because he’s right. Your kids suffered for a while. Makes you sad again and your eye twitches softly.
“Can I ask you somethin’?” He is quiet and soft with this question and not his normal firm toned self.
“Sure.” You are tired of people needed to talk to you softly like you are so delicate and fragile and could break from just their breath.
“What made you… so desperate to get out of that town? Didn’t seem…like it was just the attacks… s’everything that happened with Ava?” He is still soft and sounds so cautious when he speaks.
“Kinda. I dunno. It’s a whole lot more than that.” You sigh and groan at the same time.
“S’wrong witchya?” You can hear his smirk behind his bandana.
“What isn’t?” You chuckle and glance up at him. He’s still scanning the tree line. You go back to looking for the enemy as well.
“You need to talk ‘bout shit? I’m open ears, punk.” He nudges you softly, but you keep walking.
“You don’t wanna hear about my shit, Ken–”
“Sure do.” He cuts you off. “Why wouldn’t I?” You see him shrug his shoulders next to you.
“Sucks. Stupid. Doesn’t really–”
“If you say matter… Imma throw you right in them woods.” Ken is back to his firm military self.
“Just sad. I dunno. After my baby and everything. Just got real sad.” You don’t wanna talk about this with him. Not really. Not really with anyone because it’s so embarrassing. So terrible what could have happened to Nora had Joel not been home and decided for whatever reason to come check on you and Nora in the tub. You think about it almost every waking second of every waking moment.
“Postpatrum depression. Baby blues or whatever. Yeah. Sister had it real, real bad.” Ken says this with tight lips like maybe he doesn’t want to be talking about it either.
“Did she…” You don’t even want to tell Ken how hopeless you’ve been feeling. It’s too much. “Did she ever try and kill herself?” Ken stops walking, grabs you by the elbow and stares down at you.
“Did you try?” He sounds upset and a little flabbergasted. Ken’s asking you like he cannot believe you just said what you did.
“No. Think about it a lot though. Not even doin’ it. Just being not alive. Did your sister deal with that?” You ask softly. You’re so fucking uncomfortable.
“Nah…she killed her son. He was four months old.” He whispers. “Husband was out cheatin’ on her…n’ she fuckin’ was already dealing with postpartum shit. She fuckin’ snapped. Murdered her boy… went out after, tried to murder her husband n’ the woman he was fuckin’ but he got her down..they called the cops. She was in jail the last I heard from her.” “Ken spills all this to you quietly as he starts his slow pace back around the perimeter. His hand his back on his gun and not on your elbow. He doesn’t look at you.
“ Jesus .” You had been holding your breath since he said ‘nah’. You are so shocked and feel so bad for her and Ken and the father even though he was a cheating piece of shit. You think it’s terrible. “You hate her for that?” You ask softly.
“Hell no. She was sufferin’ bad. Real fuckin’ bad. She’d call me n’ be cryin’. I’d hear the baby cryin’ in the background n’ she’d be askin’ me fer’ help like I wasn’t thousands of miles away.” Ken shakes his head. “Tried to talk to her man…he didn’t give a shit. Tried to get some leave to go see her n’ the military wouldn’t give it to me.” Ken scoffs. “Gave it to me for her fuckin’ trial though.”
“I’m so fucking sorry, Ken. That’s horrible.”
Ken has been through so much and you want to hug him but you both have a giant gun hanging across your chest.
“Don’t be. I’m an honorable man. Never, ever would have left the military until my time was up....even after the outbreak. I have too much pride to just walk away from something. The fact they didn’t let me leave to at least go take her son for a couple weeks. Get him outta there while she got some help… I never really forgave ‘em. So when the outbreak happened…I didn’t feel to bad about splitting off from my platoon to go home. Find my wife, but you know what happened so. I just been doin’ this kinda shit. Smuggled for a lil while down in the Huntsville QZ. Made decent money then, fell in love a couple times.” He wiggles his eyebrows at you playfully and it makes you chuckle.
“Why’d you leave?” You both turn ninety degrees to the left and keep walking.
“City got bombed real bad after ten years. Dunno who did it, thinkin’ Fireflies… Don’t care. I skadoodled my ass right out of there and headed west where it’d be warmer…ended up here. S’cold as fuck in the winters.” Ken shakes his head.
“Yeah. It’ll get cold as hell here too.” You warn him and he groans loudly.
“Couldn’t go to Arizona or somethin’? Nice n’ dry. Warm.” He laughs.
“Hot as hell. Are you kidding? My kid wanted to run away there. Sweat her ass off n’ die of heatstroke.” You chuckle.
“Oh yeah. I remember when Joel was all torn up ‘bout that. Never really told me why she was upset though.”
“S’long story. We just weren’t very good to her for a while.” You whisper sadly.
“Find that hard to believe. You guys are great parents.”
Is that what it looks like to people? You and Joel have been loving and doting parents this whole time?
“I wish. I laid in bed for three months. Made Ellie practically raise Nora. I fuckin’ sucked.” You continue to whisper so no one else can hear.
“You? Or that postpartum devil that takes over? There is a huuuuuge difference between those two things, punk. Really. Big fuckin’ difference. My sister wasn’t a fuckin’ murderer. I grew up with her. That postpartum shit ruined her fuckin’ life.” He puts his arm around your shoulder and leans down close to your ear. “I’m not a thousand miles away this time. I can come help. Talk yer’ ear off. Take ya for a walk. Ya can bitch about her husband and kids n’ I’ll forget as soon as ya tell me.” He squeezes you tightly and you both keep walking.
“Why?” You choke it out as you attempt to keep tears from falling down out of your eyes and into your bandana.
“I never got to be there for my sister. Sounds like yer’ brother never really got to be there fer’ you. I know I’m old enough to be your dad but… yer’ like a lil sister. Wanna help you out.” You feel him chuckle in his chest.
“What’s funny?” Your smirk is hidden from him behind unforgiving black fabric.
“The connections you can find in places like this. I didn’t ever really allow myself to get close to anyone after I found my wife. S’lonely road to walk all alone. Fuckin’ n’ sleepin’ next to women who want yer’ money is easy. Hard to build love for people when you know you could lose ‘em any day. Hard to wanna get close with someone.” He explains as you two continue your stroll. The chainsaws still buzz on the opposite side from where you and ken are walking.
“I know what you mean. Feels good when you finally let your walls down a little.”
Ellie has her own apartment right next door to yours and Joel’s. You’re in there right now laying down ground rules with Dina and Ellie. Dina just got here with Connie and Lucas. They waited until Connie could lay down in the backseat so she didn’t rupture her cervix or whatever was her issue with her cervix! It’s scary! You’re so glad she did not have her baby on the side of the road in what you have learned is a Humvee…not a jeep. You have Nora in your arms and she is playing with the hem of your t-shirt and trying to pick a stain off of it.
Ellie and Dina are both looking at you with big brown eyes.
“No drugs. No alcohol. If any of the adults that call ourselves your parents find it? You’ll be out there cutting down trees with Joel and Lucas. We mean that. Goes for both of your apartments.” You point at their brown eyes with seriousness in your tone. Dina had one but Connie and Lucas were on the other side of the base and Dina stayed right next door to them. Connie would be here but she needs bed rest still. Poor girl.
“Mom. Cut us a break–”
“ What !? Are you being so fucking for real right now?” You’re laughing at Ellie. “You went and got a tattoo and then stole weed from Joel. And then faced almost zero punishment for both of those things. So…we have cut you a break.” You nod at her and shrug your shoulders. “Sorry if it seems harsh.”
“We’ll behave Mrs. Brid.” Dina smiles at you but you turn all your attention to her and take a step forward.
“I know what you did with that kid Shorts or whatever his fucking name is. Don’t like it. Don’t bring it over here if you choose to do those adult things, Dina. I mean it. Keep it far away from–”
“Oh…Like Ellie is so innocent?” Dina smirks at you and then bites her lips between her teeth. Ellie groans loudly from beside her.
“Good fucking going, Dina. Good job.”
“What the fuck does she mean?” You twist your head to Ellie now but Dina answers for you.
“I wasn’t the only one to fool around with ‘Shorts’... Ellie has done her fair share of fooling around..don’t let her tell you I was the only one to test the waters.” Dina is speaking to her like you are one of her little girlfriends. You are horrified.
“What?” You flick your eyes between both of them. “You two…did that…with the same guy?” You wrinkle your nose and grimace when you ask them. Ellie is saying nothing and staring directly at the ceiling but Dina nods.
“Sure did. She tell you I was the only one?”
“Oh my god. Did you guys do this all togeth–”
“MOM!” Ellie looks disgusted that you would even ask that. You don’t know why!? WHAT!? You’re finding out that not only is your daughter who you thought only liked girls, has fooled around with a boy! You do not know if she did it safely, if you should be worried about another baby coming soon. You also need to tell them they can never, ever, see each other again if this was a little party they all fuckin’ threw together.
“No Mrs. B. She did it after I did. ” Dina snaps her head to Ellie. “Tried to get back at me.” and then back to you. “Now we’re even.” She looks very proud of herself but you are not her mother so you can’t fist fight her. You should have left her in that fucking alley.
“ What does that mean– you know what. I don’t wanna know. Not at all.” You blink at Dina.
Now it’s Ellie’s turn to be spoken to quickly and anxiously. She is still staring at the ceiling.
“Keep your eyes up there. I can’t even look at you right now. What the fu– okay. Did this boy wear a condom?” You ask her so seriously. She nods without looking at you. You sigh with relief.
“Can you please leave now?” She is uncomfortable. She’s shifting her weight from one foot to the other and her fits are clenched to her sides.
“ Yes . Only because I do not want to be here anymore either.” You snap at her. “I’m sayin’ one thing and then I’m leaving because I might throw up right after… If you and Dina…are… with each other . You two need to be fuckin’ smart. Stop messin’ with each others emotions. Someones gonna end up getting hurt.” You say this to both of them and then you rush out of her apartment and wonder what you’ve just done.
You just left your almost sixteen year old, apparently easy ass daughter in her own apartment with her fuckin’ easy ass girlfriend! Fuck! The door is already shut and you’re not going back in there. You will find Connie tomorrow and find out what the fuck is really going on and where all this aparent fuckin’ sex has been happening because it sure as shit wasn’t under your roof.
You also need to meet this fucking Levi Straus kid. He sounds like a heart throb if two young girls who claim to like girls now threw all that shit away for him. Gotta know. Gotta see what Ellie and Dina apparently couldn’t keep their pant zippers up for. Jesus Christ. Is there a chapter on this in the what to expect book you never fucking got!?
Joel is walking down the hall to your apartment that you share with him and Nora. He has sawdust and leaves in his hair. He is dirty and looks exhausted. You feel bad.
“Hi.” You smile at him gently but your voice pulls a real smile from his face and he holds his arms out to his sides for you.
“My critters.” His voice calls you and Nora closer to him and intensifies your smile. You wrap your free arm around his waist and tilt your heat up to look at him.
“My handsome husband who is covered in leaves and dirt. Do you wanna go take a hot shower.” You run your hand up and down his strong back. He groans happily and nods. “I’ll pick all the leaves outta yer’ hair for ya.” You stand on your tip toes and press your lips to his.
“Good, ‘cause my shoulders hurt too much to do it myself.” He grumbles softly. "I'd take Nora from you...but I can't lift her anymore. Sore."
“I could rub ‘em for you after the shower. Found some expensive lookin’ body oil under the sink. Smells real nice.” You whisper into the kiss. Joel hums throatily and nudges you towards the door to your apartment.
You get his shower he pulls his shirt off, keeping his jeans and belt as he sits on the closed toilet lid. You pull all the leaves and stray twigs out of his hair and press your body tightly against his. You shake his hair of all the access sawdust. Wipe his shoulders off and press your lips softly to the top of his right shoulder.
“You gettin’ in with me?” Joel wraps his arm around your waist, pressing his hand to your side gently to keep him close to you.
“No. You need a real shower. I did mine when I got back from patrol. I’ll make you some of those delicious rations while you're here.” You smirk down at him,
“I don’t mind ‘em. Yer’ the one who thinks they’re bad. Gotta find one you like. They got a bunch in the big kitchen. So many.” Joel closes his eyes as you rub your hand down his spine gently. “But sure. Leave me all alone…to shower by myself…I guess.” He smirks with his eyes still shut and you lean down now to kiss him. “Don’t care what kind you make me. I’ll be happy I’m eatin’ with you n’ Nora. Ellie didn’t wanna come over?”
“We can talk about Ellie after your shower.” You huff softly.
“Oh no. Is it bad?”
“I…don’t really wanna tell you at all actually. Just go–”
“Birdie…tell me what’s going on.” Joel snaps his eyes open now and they are filled with fear. You speak so fast, so that you don’t have to linger on the words you’re saying.
“Ellie had protected sex with that Levi kid and now I think she might also be in a relationship with Dina. I don’t know what they do…but she can’t get pregnant so I don’t care.” You blink at him. Joel says nothing as his eyes map your face out, looking for jokes or deceit.. It’s not there.
“What!?” Joel doesn’t move from where he is seated but his eyes start to rapidly move all around like he is looking for Levi in the bathroom.
“I don’t think it’s a big deal!” You exclaim to him as he tries to stand now but you push him back down onto the toilet lid. “No. You go over there right now you’ll yell. No. She used protection. Didn’t seem to like it–”
“Oh fuck, Bird! Stop it! I can’t even talk about it. Don’t wanna listen to it. Makin’ me sick. Ruined what I wanted to do in that shower. Sonofabitch. I’m not even hungry anymore!” Joel runs his fingers through his hair.
“I didn’t wanna hear any of that either!! But I laid down the law today. I sure fuckin’ did. So we ain’t got nothin’ to worry about, babe. We’re good parents. Ken told me that today.” You sound so proud of yourself, maybe a little cocky to try and make Joel not look like he wants to kill someone. “Did you hear me!? Ken said we’re good parents!”
“Like what Ellie did makes–”
“Hey! She’s fifteen…it’s a normal fuckin’ age to do shit like that. At least she was smart enough to make him use protection.” You explain but he grimaces like even that is too much information for him to picture in his brain. “One of the few things that feels good in this new, shitty world. Can’t knock her for wanting to know what all the fuss is about. Weed too.” You shake your head.
“She’ll be gettin’ drunk next.” Joel groans and closes his eyes. He rests his forehead on your stomach and pretends to weep softly. You think he's pretending.
“Sure will be.”
“Birdie-girl…what are we gonna do?” He sighs into your stomach.
“I dunno, hon. We’ll be fine though. We’ll get through it ‘cause we got each other. I’m real proud of you for workin’ so hard.” You lean down and take in his natural smell which is now entangled with the smell of pine needles. “Shower n’’ then come talk with me. Nora missed you. She’ll be excited to see you.”
You open the door to the bathroom and Nora is standing in the middle of a playpen sat in your living room that had been gifted to you by a woman named Jody that you didn’t know well but had seen around the colony before. A lot of the people she used to roll with either died or never came back. So, she must be desperate for company or friendship.
Or was just being nice.
The rations are actually not bad. Not really. They do have so many different varieties to choose from. Vegetarian. Kosher. They have pasta and sauce. Pot roast. Chicken and rice…so many different kinds of rations and they all are good for like, one hundred years? Ken said some wildly high number of years and your brain blacked out.
You make Joel chicken and rice and yourself and Nora a pasta to share. You’ll have a sweet treat after. Each ration pack comes with crackers and cookies or a cake type item. A powdered drink mix. Breakfast rations– which were powdered eggs…Nora loved them but you couldn’t stomach them– came with instant coffee and a powdered juice. It really wasn’t bad. You could worry less about finding food and more about getting the wall up.
Joel comes back from his shower with wet hair and just a new pair of jeans on, his soft, pudgy tummy makes you smirk as he continues to dry his lengthening n’ continuously graying locks with the towel.
“You think’ I’m funny t’look at or somethin’? Joel smirks at you. “You think I’m some kinda…joke or some shit?” He tosses his towel at you and it lands on your shoulder and partially across your face. Nora thinks this is great. Laughs as hard as she can without passing out almost. “She thinks I’m funny.” He points to his youngest daughter and smiles.
“Yeah. You’re her favorite, we know.” You roll your eyes as you feed put another piece of pasta on her highchair.
“Oh you shuddup. She’s attached to you all day. Only time she isn’t is when you’re patrolin’ n’ even then she’s with Ellie, not me because I’m on tree duty. Did you forget that? I’m cuttin’ ‘em down fer’ ya.” Joel sits at the table and grabs your hand, bringing the knuckles at the base of your fingers to his lips. “Never let you go do that, you crazy?”
“I would have.” You shrug and smirk at him.
“I know you would have. S’why I had to forbid you from fuckin’ doin’ it. Never had to forbid you from nothin’.” He grumbles like he’s disappointed.
“Finally told me no for once.” You wink at him and he grins. “Can I ruin this amazingly fun family dinner minus Ellie to talk to you about something?” You ask softly. Joel stiffens, but nods against the back of your hand, his lips never leave your skin.
“I’m am really sorry for what I did to you. I really don’t know what happened to me that day. I wish that I had answers for you–”
“Ya saw red– I know. Happens–” Joel tries to interject but you don’t let him and continue to speak but a little louder until he stops and lets you finish.
“-- I just know that I just felt terror. Terror because I couldn’t see Nora. I remember hearing her crying and not being able to see her…and you were keeping her away from me.” You whisper.
“I know.” Joel whispers back,
“You don’t though. You’re right. You’ve seen red, you’ve gotten mad and you never put your hands on me. Never in a way I don’t love and appreciate.” You give a babbling Nora another piece of pasta and she quiets.
“S’different.”
“Can you stop trying to justify it?” You raise your eyebrows at him very softly and flick your eyes away from his for just one moment to try and regain a sense of composure before you look back at him. “I fucked up so bad. So, so badly. And I just need you to know that. And accept that with me. I think it’ll make it easier for me to forgive myself if you stop trying to justify it.” You nod at him.
“But it is different–”
“No. It’s not. Your ex wife put her hands on you. I put my hands on you. We both abused you.” You give him a tight lipped look. “S’unfortunate. But it’s the truth. Only real difference is I won’t ever do it again. Never. I’ll never put my hands on you in a way that makes you feel the way I made you feel that day. I won’t. I told myself I’d cut my own hands off before I did that.”
Joel doesn’t say anything but his warm brown eyes dance across your features, the curve of your cheekbones and the arch of your lips at the cupid’s bow just under your nose. He pays special attention to the way your mouth moves as you speak.
“I know you said you forgive me but…you’ll never trust me the same way. Makes me sad. I never trusted my dad again after the first time he screamed in my face. Shit, coming home felt like walking in that hole field out there. Dangerous n’ slippery.” You chuckle but Joel does not. He just breathes through his nose gently against the back of your hand. “I’d do anything to go back and change that day– anything. If I could give you a part of me that showed you how sorry I was…I would cut it out for you. Hand it to you– sorry, I know that’s gross but–”
Joel doesn’t let you finish. He keeps one hand wrapped around yours and reaches with the other around the back of your neck, and pulls you close as he leans into you.
“S’the nicest thing anyone’s ever offered me, Bird.” Joel whispers against your lips before he crashes into you. It’s not a forceful kiss, but all of your senses are stolen from him. You taste his freshly brushed teeth. You smell whatever he uses to shave with. You feel the warmth and wetness of his freshly licked lips. You hear his soft moan of approval as your hand free hand finds his freshly trimmed facial hair. “Don’t have to cut anything off ya, Birdie-girl. Just keep gettin’ better.”
Notes:
^ not a gif... but if anyone wanted to see what I imagine Joel's pudgy tummy to look like...deer lord.
elliespuns is where I found these amazing pictures. there are more and you should all go look at them. Seriously. Go look at them
Chapter 39: Night Changes
Summary:
Even when the night Changes,
it will never change me and you
Notes:
Trigger warnings: You know by now for me to throw some sad ass shit at you. SAD. Just be ready. ALSO mentions of possible CSA so please, please be aware of the content you take in if you're unable to read things like that. It's terrible and you should be reaching out if you need someone to talk to. PLEASEEEEE.
night changes- one direction (how could I not with the terrible fucking tragedy that happened? :( so fucking sad)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Don is excited to have his own desk and office. A place to have people come and see him professionally instead of having to invite them into his home which he had never been a fan of. He had never really liked people in his home. No one. That's why he had his own office far away from home. To avoid contamination. Germs. Sickness.
That all went out the window pretty quickly after the outbreak. He sat in his office for two weeks– surviving off rationing the water jug in the corner and the few snacks he had in his office. Him and Patti never went to a quarantine zone because Patti said the more people around the worse it would get. She was right. She was right to drive far into the country and break into that nice farm house.
She didn’t want to shoot the old lady who had been boarded up there– but shots were fired and Patti was apparently the better shot. Don never worried or questioned her about why she did it. She was keeping them safe and Don was so, so thankful for that… he thinks. He doesn’t know what’s worth living in a life like this. Don was a recovering germaphobe and still struggling agoraphobic. It’s why he stayed home.
Don didn’t do well in crowds or when put under immense pressure in social situations. He would have serious panic attacks and struggle to breathe and sometimes lose consciousness. Being outside made Don nervous. Just going for walks and doing all those things with so much space around him put him in such a heart clenching state that he sometimes forgot how to walk and would stumble until Patti could press her hand against the back of his left shoulder in such a way that only Patti knew how to do; learned how to do it for him.
That’s why Don did not mind this bunker, not really. He never had to go outside. Never had to leave the comfort of this bunker that he knew was really just four walls around him. Keeping him safe. The vastness of the world gave him anxiety.
Once…on vacation as a child to a beach…Don sore he saw the curvature of the earth on the horizon. His mother told him it wasn’t possible and that he was imagining things but Don know what his little eyes saw and ever since that day the world has scared him. Space…which was just pressure. Immense pressure. That’s what gravity is. The gravity that keeps the world in orbit and the gravity that keeps Don himself on this planet. He feared it. Hated it. Worried that one day that pressure would become to much. It would crush him and everyone he knew and cared about. That would be the end of the world he knew and feared.
Not cordyceps.
Gravity. Space. The unknown.
It’s why Don became a therapist because he hated feeling this way and wanted to figure out what the heck was wrong with him. His anxiety and fears lessened and dimmed as he learned about the human brain.
Compulsions are compulsions though. Irrational fears…irrational. So. Even with his knowledge of how the world and his brain and everyone's brains should work…his is broken. Just like everyone else.
Don looks at Joel sitting across his desk.
Broken
“Tell me about Sarah? You said your wife wants you to open up about her.” Don says the girls name so casually as not to coddle Joel. Needs to desensitize him a little but or he’s never going to figure out what happened or why Joel thinks he was such a bad father to the girl. Don fears the worst…obviously. He’s a therapist. What else would Joel be harboring so much guilt for? Don doesn’t really think Joel would do something like that at all…but he’s seen much more normal appearing people do much worse things.
“She was perfect.” Joel shrugs his shoulders. “Everything you can ask for in a first born. She did everything she could to make me happy. To try and get me to spend time with her. I did… I didn’t neglect her–”
This is the first positive Don has heard Joel say about his relationship with Sarah and that’s a good thing. Moving in the right direction.
“-- she just wanted me to do things with her. Do everything with her and that’s real hard when you own your own company. I don’t have anyone to fall back on if I need the day off. S’just me an Tommy most days.” Joel shrugged. “We needed the money to keep the house. I couldn’t not work.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that. You were doing everything you could to keep a roof over her head. Not drinking or doing drugs.” Don knows that Joel was probably doing those things too, because more guilt flashes across Joel’s face and he sighs loudly.
“I made sure she was always taken care of. Spent a lot of time with our neighbors who were real nice to her.” Joel looks frustrated talking about Sarah but Don needs to push. If he doesn’t, Joel won’t open up and nothing will change for him.
“How long into the outbreak did she make it?” Don know’s he’s asking a risky question. They have never talked about how Sarah died. Joel stiffens visibly and clenches his jaw. “Have you ever really talked about it with anyone?” Don asks emotionless. He knows the less emotion he puts into this, the more likely people are to open up.
“Ellie. My old partner, Tess.” Joel says coldly.
“Not your wife?” Don is honestly surprised by all of this.
“Never came up.” Joel is short and wont look at Don. He’s on defense and that’s fine. Don is good at offense.
“Don’t you think that’s something you talk about with someone you intend to marry?” Don asks with no hesitation. He never hesitates. Joel shakes his head and chuckles softly.
“Why? So she could change her mind about havin’ kids with me? Not wanna marry me ‘cause I couldn’t save my girl?” Joel still hasn’t looked at Don since Sarah came up.
“I mean…yes. That’s information she has a right to know. I think you’re being too hard on yourself for Sarah’s death. I think–”
“I don’t give a fuck what you think.” Joel smirks and finally looks at Don. It makes Don smirk even though it’s not nice or polite but he likes Joel a lot for not being nice or polite. He likes the ruggedness of the man sitting in the chair across from him– Don’s new, nice wooden desk was still between them.
“I know. But you keep coming…so I’ll keep telling you.” Don smirks back at Joel– who now frowns and drops his gaze back to someplace behind Don’s head on the shelves. He’s waiting for more opinions from Don. “However Sarah died… tragically I’m assuming– was not your fault. Unless you threw her into a horde of infected.” Don shrugs his shoulders.
“Basically threw her in front of a bullet.” Joel says this quietly and his eyes are wet with tears. Don feels bad and offers him a tissue. A real tissue from an unopened box that had been hidden in the desk. Joel shakes his head no at the offer.
“Was it really on purpose?” Don raises one eyebrow. Joel shakes his head no again.
“No. I just…couldn’t– I didn’t know– I dunno. I just couldn’t—” Joel’s voice wavers and Don sets the box of tissues down on the edge of his desk as close to Joel as he can get them without the box falling off. Joel still doesn’t take one because he isn’t blinking. This is a silence moment. If Don speaks then Joel will stop talking, so Don stays quiet. “I almost got her out.” Joel smirks but it’s a sad smirk. “Crashed. She hurt her leg. We both got shot by some military fuck with an order.” One single tear falls from Joel’s left eye but he still doesn’t take a tissue. “Her wound was a lot worse than mine.”
“I’m sorry.” Don does speak now and watches as Joel takes a deep breath in like he had been denying himself breath until Don spoke. A common thing Don used to see in his trade. Little tiny subconscious bouts of self harm that do not even register to the person doing it. It’s just a denial of something human because you do not think you deserve it. You don’t even realize your brain and body are working against each other.
“Died...in my arms.” Joel wipes his eye with the back of his hand.
The fact that Joel denied himself the simple comfort of a tissue and instead uses the back of his hand tells Don a plethora of new things about Joel and now he needs to narrow it down. He could just feel like he doesn’t deserve the simple pleasure and comfort of a tissue, it could stem from a bad experience in his past of being offered the same comfort but for a different reason. Sometimes being offered a tissue can seem invalidating or dismissive instead of seen as a comforting gesture. Don wanted to find out what Joel’s issue with tissues are.
“You think it was all your fault?” Don asks quietly as Joel tries to regain his composure.
“Sure do.” Joel shakes his head and chuckles. “Did you not get that from all the fuckin’ shit I just said?”
Joel goes defensive.
Don goes offensive.
“You said a lot of fuckin’ shit. Trying to figure out where any of it was your fault?” Don shrugs his shoulders. “You tried to get her out– which is what a good parent would do–”
“A good parent would have gotten their kid to a QZ earlier than I had.” Joel pokes his own chest quite hard and Don holds his hands up in surrender-- a symbolic white flag.
“Do you want an award for world's worst parent?” Don expires softly out of his nose. Joel looks shocked that Don would say something like that.
“Th’fuck is your problem? Got an office n’ now you wanna act tough ‘cause there is a fuckin’ desk between us?” Joel switches to offensive.
“What is your problem? Do you not think that so many other parents lost children in the same way? If not worse?” Don squints his eyes at Joel. “Seriously. You got to comfort your girl in her last living moments. Probably told her you loved her, told her you had her. She was in your arms as she passed. Probably felt safe being held by her father.”
Joel sobs softly without looking at Don. He’s staring at the ground and has his head in his hands now.
“It’s terrible. You have every right to miss her and be sad. You were just doing what you thought was best. You did it with every good intention. You’re not a terrible father because she died, Joel. You're not a terrible father at all.” Don does his best to comfort him without having to stand up and touch Joel.
Don really only doesn’t mind holding and being in contact with Nora. She is a cute baby and likes Don a lot. It makes Don wonder if that is what being a grandfather feels like. The feeling he has for the child. She is a sweet girl. He’s a little upset that Joel didn’t bring her today.
“I tried to kill myself two days later.” Joel admits softly through a big sniffle. “Missed like a fuckin’ wimp. Dunno. Guess it wasn’t my time.” Joel wipes his eyes frantically and settles back into his normal, stiff and scowling self.
“Or you didn’t really want to die.” Don suggests. “People who do usually don’t stop after the first attempt.” Don knows this to be true. He has dealt with it.
“Okay.” Joel scoffs and leans back in the chair. “You’re bein’ a real asshole today, what for? Not gettin’ laid anymore?” Joel is being mean to try and take the attention off of him which is fine. Don doesn’t get offended or waver easily. He likes when Joel gets like this. He plays along.
“I get my dick wet often enough. How is your sex life going?” Don flicks his eyebrows up once to show Joel he means no harm. Joel shakes his head in disbelief but Don can sense he’s appreciative in the change of subject.
“Good. Hot. Hot as hell.” Joel smirks and tries to make Don uncomfortable but it won’t work. This is Don’s job. “Took her right on our back deck before we left to come here. Reminded her who the fuck she fell in love with out on the road.” Joel nods his head once. Don thinks Joel is the one who needed a reminder of who you fell in love with on the road. Joel seems a little different today.
“Birdie have fun?” Don doesn’t break eye contact with Joel. He knows if he does, Joel will think this is an inappropriate question and shut down. The eye contact shows Joel that Don is playing along with Joel. He’s telling him silently and with his body language. Don is relaxed as always.
“Sure fuckin’ did.” Joel smirks. Don know's that you are happy with him. Patti tells him.
“How is your wife? Did she decide to take the SSRI’s?” Don is curious about you. You make him nervous…he’d like to talk to you once and get inside your head but that’s just a conflict of interest. He helps Patti treat you the best he can with the information Patti gives him.
“She didn't. She said she's going to wait, maybe see if she can find more on a scouting mission or something. Birdie says she might not need 'em yet. She seems good. She’s got a lot to do. She’s helping people get settled, doing patrol at night with Ken— who is gettin’ a lil to comfortable with my ole lady, don’t really fuckin’ like it– but he keeps her safe when I can’t.” Joel grumbles.
“What do you mean? Are you worried she’s having an—” Don is confused because... he knows how much you love Joel.
“She’s not havin’ a fuckin’ affair. No. She’s smarter than that. She comes home to me every night. I come home to her. S’what we do. We don’t fuckin’ cheat on each other.” Joel is upset that Don even asked, but Joel is the one who brought it up.
Joel is worried you’re having an affair but he hasn’t admitted it to himself and definitely hasn’t said anything to you. Don knows this in his body language, what he's saying and how he is avoiding eye contact with Don.
“So why don't you ask her about Ken?” Don asks with no hesitation. "What makes you notice their closeness now more than before?"
“Dunno. The way she talks ‘bout him after patrol like he’s the greatest thing. Guess they talk ‘bout his past n’ he’s had it rough. His sister went through PPD real bad…killed her kid ‘cause of it. N’ now, Birdie want’s to talk to him all the time. She’s goin’ for walks with him n’ Nora.” Joel is upset about this and it makes Don have to hide a smirk.
“Not possible that they could be friends?”
“Can men and women be friends?” Joel asks seriously.
“I’m friends with Patti–”
“You two fuck!!” Joel exclaims but Don laughs.
“We don’t. Never have. I just say those things to tease you. She is an always has been a colleague.” Don admits the truth.
“My wife said Patti has said you two get dirty–” Joel is accusatory, trying to change the subject. Don redirects.
“Of course Patti would say that. Your wife talks about her sex life with you constantly.” Don admits to Joel.
“She does not.” Joel waves his hand at Don dismissively. Don chuckles and laughs again. Joel looks like he's blushing. "Told her t'stop doin' that."
“She is satisfied. Tell’s Patti consistently.” Don laughs now as a smirk creeps on Joel’s face. “She is a happy woman…in the bedroom at least. You do something right in there that’s for sure.” Joel stops smiling and pinches his brow together.
“She said somethin’ to me the other day…can’t stop thinkin’ about it.” Joel says it quietly like you might be right outside the heavy metal door of this office trying to listen.
“What did she say?”
“Said somethin’ like… she feels rejected when I don’t wanna have sex with her– which is almost never. Only sometimes if I worked hard that day or if we’ve been goin’ at it more n’ normal n’ I need a break.” Joel admits and he sounds nervous or frustrated. “I remember what happened to her the first time we stopped fuckin’. She got all sad n’ got suicidal–”
“Your dick didn’t do all that to her, get over yourself. Please.” Don rolls his eyes. “She was already suffering with PPD and PTSD when you two stopped sleeping together. Your lack of intimacy after she asked about it absolutely fuled these new insecurities she had and all that worry…but you were not the cause. She would have continued to slip into a depression regardless if you had been able to perform for her.” Don is unimpressed that Joel thinks he did that to you.
“So why if she’s depressed she could still get all wet n’ slippery fer’ me…but when I was all fucked up I couldn’t get hard if my life depended on it?” Joel is embarrassed to admit this, Don can tell but the good news for Joel is…Don has the answer!
“Your chemicals were all imbalanced, Joel. You didn’t find the same things pleasurable. Probably had low self-esteem. Probably had a lack of motivation to do all things you used to. You said you’d just go to the bar and drink. So, you lost your hard on for life in layman's terms.” Don shrugs.
“And my horny for life wife?” Joel is unimpressed with you and Don.
“A very simple and common coping mechanism.” Don shrugs again because this is true. Very common and very simple in women– not so common for PPD but common none the less for intense inner emotional pain. “You tell me that your relationship started and grew because the sex was intense. Passionate. Fiery.” Don raises an eyebrow in question.
“Sure.” Joel rolls his eyes.
“So she’s remembering a time when she felt close to you– maybe the closest she’s ever felt to anyone. Those good feelings, good emotions that come to her during sex, they are comforting and make her feel safe. You felt pressure to perform so you stopped being able to. She needed your intimacy to cope and you couldn’t give it to her. You both struggled during that time.” Don foes feel bad for the both of you. Neither one of you deserve to struggle the way you do, but the fact it all happened at the same time is unfortunate.
“How do I get her to stop feelin’ that way? I want our sex life to be… not normal but not that. I want her to want me n’ need me but… not to fuckin’ not wanna kill herself— that’s a lot of pressure!” Joel exclaims suddenly. It makes Don chuckle.
“Well again… your dick and her happiness have no correlation. She’s going to struggle with her mental health whether you give it to her good or not.” Don shrugs. “She might get an immediate hit of serotonin and dopamine and oxycontin but… she’d go back to being sad eventually and no matter how many times you make her scream and shout….she might stay sad for a while.”
“So…that takes the pressure off me…but now I’m more worried for my wife.” Joel grumbles.
“Can I make a relationship suggestion? If you feel up to it…I know you’ve been working hard.” Don wants to offer a simple thing Joel can do to make you feel appreciated.
“Sure. Anything if it’ll make her feel better.” Joel leans forward and waits patiently.
“Take her on a date. I know there aren’t many places to go. But take her somewhere. Maybe you fight a couple infected together. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you run into trouble, but you can take her camping in the woods… just you and her. Do something special for her and let her know you love her outside of sex.” Don explains carefully. “I know little things like that are easily overlooked in todays world. But it would mean a lot to her, probably show her how much you cared if you did something for her without her having to ask you for support in this difficult time.”
“Camping? A date?” Joel doesn’t believe Don. “Where you want me to take her?”
“We passed through Yellowstone. It was beautiful there. You could take her there and lay under the stars. Speak kindly to her. Feed her. Be sensual with her. Not sexual. There is a difference.” Don nods.
“I fuckin’ know that.” Joel waves his hand at Don again and stands up. “I gotta go cut down trees. Yer’ lucky I like you or I’d have you out there helpin’ me.” Joel extends his hand to Don and they shake. Don will wash his hand when Joel leaves in the bathroom connected to his office.
Don hasn’t told anyone but Patti about his old….sometimes still present phobia of germs. Don has come a long way from when he was an adolescent. His agoraphobia is still bad and Don is so thankful that Joel likes him because he wouldn’t have been able to go into the woods and cut down trees.
Don wishes he could.
Patti doesn’t like her office. She is mad. It makes things less personal and she can already tell that you don’t like it.
“I’m sorry.” Patti tries to apologize for the change in scenery. She enjoyed the comfort of her home and chairs and coffee and tea. Now you just sit across from one another with a big, chunky desk between the two of you. It’s awkward.
“For what?” You ask her quietly.
“This.” Patti offers sadly with her hands held up to the cold, metal walls and ceiling. It is decorated like a therapist's office would be. Books and a Newtons Cradle, with a small bronze bust of Sigmund Freud. Patti thought it was tacky. Hates it but she didn’t have time or the care, really to throw it away. She has been worried about you. She thinks you’ve been avoiding her.
“You don’t have to apologize for that.” You snort softly and look around the room. “Definitely not how I would imagine an office you’d work out of would look though.” You joke and make Patti smile. She cares for you deeply.
“I’d never work here if I could help it. I like windows and bright sunlight. Bright whites and soft pastels.” Patti wrinkles her nose at the burnt orange shag carpet under her feet.
“I’m sorry.” You apologize now and Patti doesn’t understand. She tilts her head to the side softly. “For making you come here.” You sigh.
“You didn’t make me do anything. Your husband at that meeting sure did.” Patti offers a lighthearted smile. “Swearing and cussing. Saying he didn’t care if we came or not.” She smirks now, less lighthearted and more because it was funny listening to Joel be so tough, knowing more about him than he would like.
“He wanted you and Don to come. He told me in bed that night.” You smirk at Patti and she waves her hand at her face like she is warm and maybe flattered.
“Don and I are your husbands pillow talk? How sexy.” She teases and it makes you laugh, a real laugh and Patti loves when you laugh.
She wants to tell you that you remind her of her daughter in all the best ways. When you are sad and crying it physically hurts Patti, but when you laugh like that…she hears a little bit of her daughters laugh in it. Patti doesn’t know if that’s true because you don’t sound like her daughter- Janelle- at all, but you laugh and Patti’s heart flutters like she was laughing with Janelle again.
“We normally talk about you guys during, so it was a little weird for him to bring you up after the fact.” You joke with Patti, looking at her with a smirk and squinted eyes from your laughter.
“How erotic.” Patti teases you back.
"It is. Really gets us going." You're smirking and have life in your eyes. A sparkle Patti hasn't ever seen before.
“Have you been feeling alright? I haven’t seen you since we got here. We didn’t talk much on the way in…I understand why. Your family around and everything.” Patti does understand. Everyone was quiet– except for Nora who Patti would DIE protecting. She loves that little girl like she was her own granddaughter but that is another thing that Patti wants to tell you but she thinks it would make you uncomfortable. She is your therapist.
“I’ve been busy. I haven’t really had time to be sad or even think about you know…” You don’t even want to say the word.
This tell Patti one of two things. You’re lying to her because if you say suicidal…your face will change. It will flash with guilt because you have been thinking of it. OR. You refuse to say it because you can’t bring yourself to speak a word so…taboo. Not anymore…because it is a real foreign thought in your brain.
“What?” Patti needs you to say it.
“You know…” You seem frustrated. “Kill myself.” You whisper it and it makes Patti bite back a smirk because there was no guilt on your face– there was but it was a past tense guilt. An old guilt. Not a current one. Which means you haven't been thinking about it and that's good but it doesn't mean you're out of the woods yet.
“Well that’s good news. Do you think you know why?” Patti wants you to lead yourself to this conclusion. You do better when you speak these things yourself.
“I’ve been busy?” You raise one eyebrow. Patti thinks you are adorable and funny.
“Probably. It’s good that you’re staying busy. I’d say your improving– on a steady incline to feeling better. When I first met you…I don’t know if you’d even try staying busy.” Patti knows this is true. She met you in the market and she could see in your eyes something that she recognized. It had been in her eyes after both of her children. She had stared at those sad eyes in the mirror more than she would like to admit. When she asked if you were okay and your sad eyes immediately welled up with tears she knew what you were struggling with before she even spoke to you.
Then you told her about how your baby had almost been cut out of you and stolen. How you had murdered the woman who did it in self defense. You confided in her once that something terrible happened to your ex-boyfriend but didn’t tell her what it was— Patti knows your husband killed him. She is not stupid. She loves your husband for that. So much. You tell Patti stories about your mom and how you killed her with no choice to back out. Patti wants to wrap you up and keep you safe from everything else bad in the world because to Patti she pictures you as the sweet, innocent fifteen year old girl that wore flip flops the night of the outbreak. That’s all she sees when you tell her you are sad and scared for your life. She worries for you daily and she hasn’t seen you– has seen you around– but hasn’t talked to you since before you left to come here for the first time.
“I don’t think I would have been able to.” You sigh sadly. “I think all the time what would have happened if those raiders attacked while I was laying in bed. Would I have even got up? Tried to get to safety?” Your words make Patti sad, but she knows the feeling all too well.
“When adrenaline hits, you’re strong enough to do anything.” Patti nods and then gets a little excited to share this with you. “I don’t know if you ever got to talk about this stuff with your mother, but I’m sure that she would have, if she didn’t already, talk about a mothers strength?” Patti raises her eyebrows.
“Don’t tell me some bullshit about mothers rising to the occasion to save their kid…because mine sure couldn’t. I wonder all the time why wouldn’t she just stop crying?” You snap at Patti and makes her feel bad but she's going to be a very real with you right now.
“I’m going to be very harsh with you right now, but know it’s coming from a place of love and wanting to see you accept things with the hope of being able to overcome them, alright?” Patti hates having to be harsh with you because she knows your fragile. “Why did you attack your husband, really?” Patti watches the light leave your eyes.
“I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, Patti!” You’re offended, even though Patti padded the statement with a comforting one before it. Didn’t work.
“Neither did your mother. I highly doubt that she was in the right state of mind.” Patti sighs of her memory of the outbreak. “My husband was a kind, gentle man…also very unprepared for how violent the outbreak was going to be. He was a lover…not a fighter.” Patti keeps herself composed. She has grieved and talked through all of this. She will not cry in front of you. “He died after day four. Our daughter and her boyfriend had been on vacation in Mexico at the time… we never heard from her. Our son, his girlfriend and our grandson were killed just outside a quarantine zone. We witnessed it, they were so close to us. Almost in our arms when they were shot down for no apparent reason.” Patti is close to crying and has to sigh deeply.
“I’m sorry.” You whisper but Patti isn’t telling you this for sympathy. She is trying to prove a point to you.
“My husband stopped being able to think after that. Stopped being able to function. Couldn’t go on even though I kept telling him Janelle was waiting for us. Needed us to get to her. He never recovered from witnessing all of that. Even knowing he had another child out there possibly waiting to see him again. It was sad. Sad to watch him slip away and stop caring.” Patti shrugs because again, she has dealt with it. She misses her grandson more than anything in this world.
It’s why she loves your daughter so much.
“I’m just mad at the way everything happened.” You utter after a minute. You’re playing with the skin on your thumb and Patti knows this means you’re uncomfortable and don’t know what to say. Or you do and just don’t want to say it. Either way, she’ll get something out of you.
“Everyone is.” Patti chuckles.
“I know. I feel like a big baby for being so sad about everything.” You whisper. “Feels like everyone else is able to fuckin’ stop being able to beat themselves up for whatever they did.”
“So…I have a little theory I’ve been working on…” Patti explains to you carefully.
She is careful because she doesn’t want to scare you.
“Sometimes…when things happen to a person and they don’t know how to deal or cope with what has happened– they push those memories out of their head,” Patti starts and you’re nodding in agreement because you know this. “Our brain does this so that we don’t go crazy. It’s our brain's way of protecting us.”
“Okay.” You look like you don’t understand now.
“You just found some repressed memories. Most people have had twenty years to deal with the things they’ve done. You just remembered you did these things. Within the last five or six years. That’s not a lot of time to move past those things.” Patti explains.
“Why are you just telling me this now?” You pinch your brows together at her and now Patti is sweating.
“I worry about what else you’ve repressed.” Patti says softly.
“What do you mean?” You ask but Patti sees in your eyes that you’re fearful because you might already know.
“We don’t have to talk about–”
“What else do you think I repressed, Patti?” You say this almost…threateningly and Patti isn’t really afraid of you. But you did hit her a couple times and rip her favorite sweater when Joel brought you over that one time– and Patti had seen his back. So you do make her sweat a little.
“What do you think?” Patti puts it on you now, because you accept things better when they come out of your mouth.
“Nothing.” You snap at her.
Your defensiveness over this situation makes Patti fearful that she is right and that your father sexually abused you in the woods all those years. Even if he would have never done that before the outbreak…this new world is not kind or forgiving to children. Not one bit.
“Okay. Then we don’t have to talk–”
“You think my dad fucked me in the woods, don’t you?” You hiss at Patti but she knows you’re just upset because…it might be true? Patti isn’t sure. You display the normal things a woman who experienced child sexual assault but also…you could just be stunted because of your isolation.
“Did your dad ever leave you alone to go find a woman?” Patti doesn’t really want to ask you this, but it will give her some insight to your relationship with him.
“If we were ever in a colony or a QZ and he could find a girl–woman or whatever, he’d use them. I’d have to sit outside and listen to music or something. But when we were on the road he never touched me, Patti. I fucking mean it. Not one time.”
Patti hasn’t heard much about your time with your father and this makes her feel a little better. She knows the struggle of men and how they can be depraved and how situations like the outbreak can make them do things they might not.
“He never let you speak to men though? Not even in passing?”
“Oh my god. Why does it matter? He always told me that I didn’t have anything important to say. All I knew was everything he knew, so I could just be quiet and he would make sure that we were safe. He communicated with people when we needed to. I talked when I was spoken to. I never got punished for it. I never got in trouble for talking when people talked to me first. Not many people talked to me first, Patti. I was a dirty twenty something with an old man in the woods. It probably looked like we fucked. It’s gross. I hate it. I hate talking about him. I just don’t wanna do it.” You rattle this all off so fast Patti has a hard time taking it all in.
“Okay.” Patti says simply trying to store all that away so she can go through it at a later time with Don.
“Okay? Okay, what? We’re not ever talking about him again? Okay, I do have repressed memories of my dad fucking me? Okay, that is a normal thing a bunch of teenage girls went through? What do you mean, Patti?” You speak condescendingly, with a smirk and make Patti chuckle. Don says this is a defensive mechanism to try and get Patti to apologize, stop talking and let you win. Patti won’t do that.
“I dunno how many other girls went through that. It sounds like your husband and you daughter did just what you and your father did… minus all the toxicity your father brought to your situation.” Patti explains. “If you really can look at me and tell me that you know he never touched you… I believe you. I want you to try and look at what I saw from my perspective–” Patti tries to explain but you cut her off
“What? An old man in the woods alone with a young girl? His daughter? Is that what people think Joel was doing with our daughter? Because if so, I’ll kill ever single person in here. Joel would never. My dad would never. They both might have done some terrible fucking things…bottom line they just wanted to keep their girls alive.”
Patti smirks at you and knows she has to bite it back because you’ll get mad.
“I don’t know what people think of your husband. I never got that impression from him. I think people think he is an asshole, but a good dad nonetheless.” Patti nods. “You said it yourself. Terrible things but your dad was just trying to keep you safe. He did a good job of it too, but he was an asshole. A terrible man…but he did care for you. Did love you if he kept you alive for so long.”
“And now I feel even worse for watching him–” You stop yourself but Patti leans forward.
“What?” She has been waiting for this. You said something so long ago and she never wanted to push it but now she can. “How did you make him pay? Tell me, sweet girl.” She whispers to you and calls you a nice name-- it's a true pet name for you, but she doesn't use it often because it's unprofessional-- trying to calm your nerves and open up to her. Her voice is sweet and charming. She puts it on for you.
“I watched him die.” You admit to her with soft eyes. “Made him suffer for like thirteen hours while he died of septic shock.” You’re not looking at Patti anymore, you’re looking through her.
“Do you feel bad?” Patti keeps her sweet soft voice.
“I didn’t before, but I do now.” You offer this to Patti quietly. “I dunno. Maybe I've always felt kinda guilty for it. You said I had been punishing myself staying alone all those years after he died...maybe you were right." You sound sad and Patti doesn't like this.
“You were frozen. Frozen in fear and shock. Maybe even dissociating. We will never know. But this is a new world. Unforgiving and cruel. He was cruel to you. He got what he was coming to him.” Patti hates your father so much. So, so much. She wishes she had come across you two in the woods. She would have had some strong words and couple bullets for him.
“Doesn’t make me feel better knowing he loved me that whole time.” You snap.
“Just because he loved you doesn’t make what he did okay.” Patti shakes her head at you because she wasn’t trying to justify what he did. Just make your time in the woods with him more bearable in your memory.
“Time and talking to you makes all this fuckin’ dumb bullshit go away? Keeping busy? Journaling?” You roll your eyes.
“You can try talking to someone besides me and your husband. Do you talk to your friends about these things?” Patti is curious.
“Fuck no…well, kinda. I been opening up to this guy Ken and my brother in law, Tommy a little bit lately.” You seem shy about this.
“I know Tommy. Who is Ken?” Patti is curious.
“Just a guy from patrol. He’s old enough to be my dad.” You chuckle and smile fondly. “He’s just been… I dunno. Real nice to me since we got here n' it's not like he expects anything from me. Just is nice 'cause that's the kinda guy he is.” You smile at Patti and she smiles back at you. “He told me about his sister. She had PPD. She fuckin’... ugh, I don’t even want to say it– she killed her four month old. Smothered him.” You wrinkle your nose at Patti. “I’m not judging her… I accidentally almost drowned Nora in the tub… but shit. To do that intentionally? I could never, ever imagine.” You whisper. "Kinda put things in to perspective for me a little when he told me that. Tommy told me about an ex-girlfriend he had who would scream at her baby. I couldn't ever imagine screaming at Nora...but I also could never imagine hitting my husband."
“That is very sad. I told you events like that are common in women with PPD, it’s very scary and very serious.” Patti did tell you this the first time she saw you in her home. You couldn't even tell her what happened with Nora at the time, now you speak it like it's common knowledge to people and that... is a good sign. You've been talking about it and are moving forward.
“I thought you were just saying that to make me feel better.” You whisper to her. Patti shakes her head no at you, almost a little frustrated. Why would she do that? "I had never heard of PPD before. Maybe, a little, but nothing like what I'm going through. Nothing like what those two women went through." Patti sighs in frustration softly.
“Nope. Facts and honesty from me always.” Patti presses her lips together tightly. “What else do you and Ken and Tommy talk about?”
“Ken and I have been going for walks with Nora. He said he sees me like a little sister but… ugh this sounds so fucking weird. I look at Ken kinda like my dad?” You are shy about admitting this and Patti thinks it’s cute. “He’s just really nice– but not in a weird way. He’s never, ever done anything to make me feel uncomfortable. He always just listens. Tells me about his life– which is sad as fucking shit and he’s doing just fine. So, I’ve been trying to take his advice and learn from him because he is real smart.”
You seem to admire Ken in a very platonic way and Patti likes that you have a connection– a healthy one– with an older man outside of your husband. Those are important and you didn’t get that from your father. Thing's you'll never and shouldn't be getting from Joel because he is your husband and having a fatherly connection with him would be toxic. You didn't need a parental figure in your life...but it was clear you wanted one. Patti had been worried that Joel would take over that role as well as the role of your husband and then you'd have a whole new problem on your hands so she is relieved.
“That’s good. Do you see Ken often?” Patti is still curious.
“Almost every night. We do patrol together and then in the mornings after Joel goes to tree duty and Ellie runs off with Dina–which is a whole different topic for whole different fucking day— Ken comes by and we walk around the base. Get familiar with everything. Nora gets to watch movies in the entertainment rooms.” You’re excited about this. “She’s never seen a TV before. She almost lost her fuckin’ mind when we put on A Land Before Time for her.” You chuckle.
“I’m glad she has fun with you and Ken and isn’t bored here at the base.” Patti misses Nora, it’s been just as long as since she has seen her as she’s seen you.”
“She’s got more stuff to do here than she did at home. They have a whole fuckin’ nursery here! Got more baby toys for her and Tomas than they know what to do with.” You smirk.
“I love that. You’ll have to bring her by more often. I miss her.” Patti tries to sprinkle in her love for the child and you pick up on that immediately.
“You do?" You seem shocked but Patti nods with a smile. "You can come see her whenever you want. I’ll bring her by all the time. I mean it.” You speak excitedly. “We could just hang out. Not even do therapy. I could bring bread and some of my jam!” You exclaim.
“I like this idea. Very much.” Patti smiles. “How have things been with your husband?” She has been curious but doesn’t want to hear about your sex life anymore.
“Real good.” You smile softly. “We talked four nights ago and… I dunno. I just told him that I was really wrong for that. Real wrong. I don’t blame him for being… I dunno… hesitant to trust me again or hesitant to… I dunno— It’s weird. He’s always trying to tell me he understands why I did it every time I’ve brought it up– which is almost never– but he listened and didn’t try to justify it. He just accepted that it really happened… that it was real fuckin’ shitty and now we are both just trying to move on– move past it. Make sure that we take care of ourselves so we don’t slip back into what it was.”
“You two love each other very much. So much. It’s rare to find someone who is patient and willing to do uncomfortable things to better themselves so that they can be a better version of themselves. It means more when they don’t do it just for you. Joel is doing what he can to better himself for himself. Don tells me that all the time.” Patti smiles.
She knows you have a good husband… even though he can be an asshole.
You hear him come in. You both had just gone to see Patti and Don together this morning-- hand in hand. Joel was already done, and went to cut down trees when you finished so you just came back to the apartment, grabbed Nora from Ellie before doing so. You did some laundry and cleaned a little. Put up the painting you brought from Jackson above yours and Joel's bed. Took a little nap with Nora. Now, you were preparing dinner. His heavy and clunky boots do nothing to hide him trying to sneak up behind you.
“Hey gorgeous girl.” Joel’s voice in your ear makes you shiver in the best way still.
“Hey handsome.” You smirk turning your head so he can kiss your lips softly. His hands snake around your waist slowly and he pulls you back against him. “Oh you’re gonna have to wait for that—” You start to tease him but he plants a clumsy kiss on your still moving lips.
“Just need you close to me.” He coos against the kiss. “Happy to see you. Love bein’ able to just touch you like this.” He speaks between wet, noisy kisses. Nora giggles happily from her highchair. “Like seein’ my girl know how loved her Mommabird is.” He whispers.
“Oh.” You sigh softly as he disappears from behind you. He scoops Nora out of her highchair and comes back to be behind you as you prepare rations. “I like that.” You’re smirking and blushing as the backs of his knuckles graze across the fat off your ass. Because there is fat there. It’s nice and plump.
“I like you.” Joel hoots at the baby and bites at her neck with his lips. “Like ya a lot. Pretty cool baby. Jus’ like her mom. Stayin’ alive when no one thought she would.” Joel teases against her belly. It’s a cute connection between the two of you but the lighthearted joke of her almost dying makes your heart sink into your ass. “Strong like your Mom.” Joel growls into the baby's neck. Nora is screaming and wiggling in his arms and you don’t even need to see it to know this.
“Got a lil surprise fer’ us.” Joel growls into your neck now and it makes you jump and shiver again.
“Oh yeah? What is it?” You do turn around now and lean against the counter, crossing your arms over your chest. You expect it to be a sexy surprise.
“We’re leavin’ tomorrow night…two hours before sundown. Pack a small bag with just a change of clothes. Somethin’ warm.” Joel leans in and kisses you gently under your right eye.
“What about the baby?” You ask nervously. “I don’t like asking Ellie to watch her and Connie is on bed re–” You pause. “I could ask Patti…if we’re just gonna be gone…what?” You raise your eyebrow at him.
“Overnight. Back in the late mornin’... early afternoon maybe. You think Patti’s gonna watch Nora?” Joel raises his eyebrow back at you.
“I can ask. She said today she missed her and said I could bring her around more.” You're smiling at this because Patti feels like your mom in a sense and you love that she cares for your daughter like that. You hope she says yes... for yours and hers sake. You'd love it if she got close to Nora, especially after hearing that sad story about her family.
“Don’s said the same thing to me before.” Joel chuckles. You wonder if Don likes Nora as much as Patti does... “We got one popular baby.” Joel leans in and bites at the baby’s neck again with his lips and makes her squeak. She has her long brown curls tied up into a messy ponytail on top of her head and the rest that doest reach falls down around her shoulders now. “Stinky baby. Dunno why anyone wants to watchya.” Joel teases.
“You feel okay leavin’ Ellie?” You’re nervous about leaving her, you don’t give a shit about what he thinks or feels on the situation. You’re nervous. "What about the wall?" You're so shocked that he'd wanna leave...
“Eh. I dunno. I think if we crowd Bug, she’s gonna push us away. I wanna give her a lil space after that awkward breakfast this morning.” Joel rolls his eyes. “Don’t even wanna fuckin’ think about it.” He groans and you laugh softly.
“You did just fine!” You chuckle at him because breakfast this morning had been awkward but...Joel did do good. You wonder if Ellie was just as uncomfortable. She seemed it, beet red and staring at the ceiling the whole time.
"The wall will be fine. I told Jeff n' Danny that I had somethin' I needed to do fer' you n' they jumped at the opportunity to help 'Bad-ass Birdie Miller' and her boring ass husband." Joel rolls his eyes. You smirk and enjoy your new nickname. It better stick.
"That what they're callin' me nowadays?" You tease but Joel's face changes and he looks uncomfortable now. "What, babe?" You are nervous and not feeling very bad-ass all of a sudden.
“Gotta question fer’ ya…it’s to ease my own mind.” Joel narrows his eyes on yours.
“Oh. Okay.” You’re now more nervous.
“Not accusing you of nothing.” Joel says very seriously and now you could curl into a ball because what the fuck does that mean? “S’goin’ on with you n’ Ken?” He pinches his eyebrows together softly. You can’t help but laugh once in his face and then you slap your hand across your mouth for two seconds.
“Do you think I’m …sleeping with Ken?” You asks suspiciously with laughter still coating your words. Joel rolls his eyes.
“You obviously have a thing for older men.” Joel scoffs softly. He must not have loved your reaction. “Just curious. I think I have a right to know why my wife is spendin’ so much time with another man.”
“You’re right. You do. And I’m sorry I haven’t explained myself a little more. Do you wanna sit down and we can talk over dinner?” You offer and he nods silently.
Once both of you are seated and have a precooked and now warmed dinner in front of you and Nora is content with her small pieces of chicken and potatoes and green beans, you turn your attention to Joel.
“Spill it, pretty girl.” Joel says before taking a bite of his food. You smirk at him.
“Joel, he’s a real nice guy. Really nice. I think he's just lonely, needs a friend. Been lonely since his wife n’ unborn daughter died.” You raise both eyebrows at him. Joel must have not know this and he puts his fork down. You nod. “His sister suffered with PPD. My brother was in the military. Ken and I surprisingly have a lot in common, but it’s all very innocent.” You reassure him.
“You sure he knows this?” Joel looks like he feels better, but not one hundred percent convinced.
“I am sure. He is very, very respectful of you. Very respectful of me. You really have nothing to worry about.” You reach for his hand and touch him gently. Joel lets you touch him and then he places his other hand over the top of yours and gives you his big, chocolate brown eyes you love so much.
"You mean it?" He sounds so scared and so nervous about asking you this, like he might not like the answer. You give him your most serious eyes and squeeze his hand gently, he squeezes you back.
"After everything we've gone through? After everything we've done together? It can't be for nothing, baby." You whisper to him.
Notes:
^I never show young Joel any loves and he deserves it.
anyone else LOVE how dark his facial hair is in the first episode? JEEEESH, shit is so hot, dunno whyyyy.
DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional in ANY sense of the word. I just love to study the human brain and try to figure out why it works. As I said I've been going through my own mental health shit. Don and I have a lot in common. I have been going to therapy for so, so long but I know that doesn't make even slightly knowledgeable in the matter, but all of the 'theory and analytical' perspectives coming from Patti and Don about B+J are all researched and talked about with my therapist...so, it's not all complete bullshit-- which I think is cool because I talk to him about this story now, he hates me-- but I was able to get a professionals opinion!! So have fun with that!!
Chapter 40: Ceilings
Summary:
Lovely to just lay here with you
You're kinda cute and I would say all of this
But I don't wanna ruin the moment
Lovely to sit between comfort and chaos
Notes:
Okay... not really a trigger warning but-- I do narrate a fifteen year old's first sexual encounter (not graphically at all. It's not smut, obviously) But if you'd like to skip that whole part and not even read it, just skip the long italicized quoted bit. I tried to do it as gently as possible because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable at all, but it was important for the plot for you to know how things went down. YOU'RE GONNA FIND OUT.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Ellie likes Don a lot. She thinks about how much she likes him all the time. Whenever shit goes wrong, she gets excited to tell Don about it because he’s always got some insightful shit to say. She is not excited to talk about this. She wonders if Joel or you already told Don or Patti and now Don is sitting across from her.
Judging.
“How have you been? The move go smoothly for you?” Don asks, leaning back against his chair. The big wooden desk between them make this feel like Ellie is back at the FEDRA school being reprimanded for something. She almost shuts down but sighs deeply and shrugs. Don isn't acting like he knows anything...but he's good at playing it cool-- she thinks.
“It was smooth. Didn’t have much to bring, so I didn’t need to pack much. My mom was going crazy about her jam jars and cookbooks. I helped her pack more than I packed myself.” Ellie smirks at the memory of you running around trying to find a box or something to put your precious jars in. You make her laugh even when you’re not trying.
“Have things been good between you guys? The apartments are small– so I assume you are all right on top–” Don starts but Ellie is already shaking her head so he stops himself.
“I got my own apartment right next door from them.” Ellie smiles but Don frowns.
“Your parents surely went over the responsibilities of having your own space like that, right?” Don sounds like he might be disappointed with you and Joel, and Ellie doesn’t really like that because both of you did go over those things. Well, you mostly. Joel just told Ellie to not get high and leave the stove on-- Ellie thought that was funny.
“They did. No drugs. No alcohol.” Ellie sighs and almost leaves this next part out but… she’s here to talk. Don’s here to listen. “I think I might have fucked it up already. Dina isn’t allowed to spend the night anymore– none of my friends are.” Ellie avoids looking into Don’s eyes.
“Uh oh. What happened?” Don sounds like he’s interested and also a little amused by this.
“It’s embarrassing.” Ellie whispers softly.
“Good thing I won’t make you feel embarrassed for whatever you did.” Don whispers back just as soft. It makes Ellie smile and she flicks her eyes to him. He is smirking at her. “I’ve heard so many things, Ellie. Whatever you tell me isn’t going to shock me or make me like you any less.” Don reassures her.
“Do you remember when we talked about people changing?” Ellie asks, her cheeks are already red and she can’t help it. She stares at the floor instead of Don now.
“I do. Are you trying to change?” Don sounds…something. Ellie doesn’t know, can’t put her finger on the emotion in his tone. He’s not impressed, she knows that.
“I… dunno. I don’t really want to change.” Ellie grumbles. “I just wanted to not be so lonely. Not be the only person who hadn’t done it.”
“Done what?” Don is worried now. Ellie still can’t look at him.
“Sex.” Ellie whispers. She could crawl into a hole and die there. She would rather do that than talk to Don about this…but she needs to talk to someone that isn’t Dina because she just makes Ellie feel badly for what she did– even though Dina did it first!! She cannot talk to you and Joel about it. You started asking about weird three ways and Joel just got real uncomfortable at breakfast yesterday morning, stuttered a bunch when he told her that she just needs to be smart. Make smart choices and do things the smart way. He said smart like four thousand times. He didn't say anything she didn't already know.
“Ohhhh. Gotcha. Protection?” Don is short and simple about it. Ellie appreciates it. She nods. “Good. You weren’t…forced…right?” Don sounds so hesitant to say the words like he might not want to know.
“No. I wanted to– ugh. Okay. I wasn’t forced. Not at all. But I didn’t wanna do it either!! I went to his house on my own! Knocked on his door on my own!! Went upstairs with him, on my own!!” Ellie hates herself for doing that. She knows she likes girls. Likes the idea of how soft they are and she knows they smell better than boys. Their hair is usually really pretty. Dina's hair is perfect. "I was not forced. But I didn't really want to do it." Ellie grumbles.
“So why did you do that?” Don isn’t worried anymore…just curious.
“I dunno. The girl I like did it first…and then I just couldn’t stop thinking about why she would rather do that with him…instead of me… so I needed to find out what was so great about it.” Ellie rolls her eyes, disappointed with herself for what she did.
“Didn’t change how you feel about the girl? Or it did? Did it confuse you?” Don raises one eyebrow, like he can’t read Ellie.
“It didn’t confuse me. I know what I like.” Ellie grumbles, avoiding keeping eye contact with Don for longer than a couple seconds. It feels like he can read her mind when she stares at him. So she doesn’t.
“So…what are you feelings on the situation? You seem…tense talking about it— I understand I’m probably not the first person you’d like to talk to about this– but know I’m here as a professional, to give you professional advice and opinions. I do not judge you. I do not tell people what you tell me here.”
“You don’t tell my parents what we talk about?” Ellie is honestly shocked by this. She has a nagging suspicion she had been avoiding thinking about because talking to Don did make her feel better. She worried that Don told Joel everything she said though. Why would Don not tell you and Joel everything? Your her parents.
“Never.” Don is very serious and now he speaks firmly. “Look at me, Ellie.” She does and keeps eye contact with him. “The only time I would ever go to your parents about something we speak about…is if I was worried you were going to hurt someone or if you were going to hurt yourself. Just because I don’t want to see you do anything regretful.”
Ellie likes that he said regretful and not stupid. She hates when people use the word stupid in correlation to anything she does because she is not fucking stupid. She can be regretful though.
“Why did I do that?” Ellie almost feels tears burn in her eyes but she sucks them back into her body and stiffens to keep herself composed.
“Do what?” Don asks softly.
“Sleep with that stupid boy?” Ellie barely speaks.
“Hey,” Don grabs her attention again and Ellie almost scowls at him. “It’s normal at your age…regardless of who you know you’re attracted to.” Don nods comfortingly. “You are doing things that every single teenager and young adult does when it comes time to experience and experiment with their sexuality. You’re not confused– I understand that and won’t ever tell you that you are. But, you just said you wanted to see what all the fuss was about…so you were curious. Which is normal. Don’t beat yourself up about it.” Don shrugs like it’s no big deal. He also speaks very comfortingly. It makes Ellie feel a little better but she still hates herself for it.
“Why do I feel so terrible about it?” Ellie keeps looking at Don so he can find the answer inside of her that she cannot seem to.
“There are a bunch of different reasons, Ellie. You could feel ashamed because you know that you didn’t want to do it for the reasons you want to be with the girl you like– what is her name?”
“Dina.”
“So, maybe you wouldn’t feel this way if you had no attractions to Dina. Maybe you would have never done it? Maybe you would have?” Don is holding his hands up like he doesn’t have the answers. “It’s impossible to say what could have happened. We can only discuss what did happen and what you’ll do in the future to avoid feeling like this again.” Don says simply, dropping his hands back into his lap.
“I had never really thought about guys until Dina told me she fucked with Levi.” Ellie starts to explain. “And there are no other girls in the colony that even give me or Dina the time of day really— not girls that are the same age…or anything. Ugh. I dunno. Dina is the only one here and she is so pretty. When I see her it’s just…quiet. Everything is quiet– it used to be. Now she comes around and all we do is argue about what happened.” Ellie fucking hates this. Hates that’s what her only, real friendship has turned into.
“Hm.” Don sounds stumped. “Have you told Dina how you feel?” Don needs more information. Ellie spills.
“Dina and I talk about it all the time. The first time I told her that I liked her… she looked at me like she liked me back. We kissed that night and then we never talked about it again. We never kissed again, never did anything else like that.” Ellie is fucking annoyed about that. So annoyed.
“When did Levi get brought into the situation?”
“It was right after my mom started seeing Patti. I asked Dina what was up? Why hadn’t we talked about our feelings again after that night? Was Dina mad at me?” Ellie had been so confused. “Then she tells me that her and Levi fucked. Dina tells me she did it because she didn’t know if she likes boys or girls. She hadn’t ever been with a boy before so she didn’t know. She did know that she liked kissing me, so she needed to be sure. She kissed Levi to see…and it just turned into so much more.” Ellie could cry. She did cry when Dina told her this.
“Okay. That had to hurt.” Don sounds like he doesn’t know what to say.
“It did hurt.” Ellie sniffles the tears and snot back that are threatening to start spilling. “It really did. It also made me wonder if…maybe I didn’t know either.” Ellie admits. “‘Cause I had never really been with a boy before. Not like that. Not even really kissing them.” Ellie is embarrassed at her lack of experience.
“Understandable. You’re only fifteen.”
“Yeah but everyone at the school I was at before Joel had done it…nobody wanted to do those things with me…not really.” Ellie is even more embarrassed because she is plagued with insecurity. Did people not think she was pretty? Did people not like her? She acted like she didn’t care. Was tough because of that…but it hurt.
“But Levi wanted to do this with you?” Don asks curiously but not in a weird way. Professional. Don sounds... maybe a little worried Ellie forced Levi into this.
“He sure fuckin’ did.” Ellie smirks at the memory of the look on Levi’s face when he opened the door.
“What are you doin’ here, Smellie?” Levi’s voice makes Ellie cringe, as does the nickname even though Levi says it so…nicely. He sounds amazed that she’s standing on his doorstep.
“Stop fuckin’ callin’ me that or I’m leavin’.” Ellie growls at him. Levi’s eyes go a little wide for a moment and then he’s reaching for her hand. He’s never done that before. But it is late and his dad is on patrol with Joel…so he won’t be back for a while and Ellie doesn’t know what happened to his mom. He never talks about her. Ellie lets him touch her hand, and pull her inside.
“I’m sorry, El. You okay? Everything alright?” He sounds genuinely concerned about why she would be here so late… and all alone. Ellie has never hung out with Levi without someone else around.
“I’m fine. Just wanted to see if…” Ellie trails off because she doesn’t even wanna ask. Doesn’t wanna say the words. She feels sick already. Levi still has his hand in hers and he’s rubbing the back of her fingers with his thumb. She hates it even though the gesture makes her stomach flutter.
“What?” Levi is standing so close to her now. Ellie can smell him– really smell him for the first time. He smells good. Like boys soap and leather. He smells just a little sweaty…and Ellie does like that. It makes her relax a little. She is nervous regardless. He is almost two years older than her. He’s seventeen and Ellie hadn’t even turned sixteen yet. But he takes another inched step towards her and looks down at her. He’s taller than he by so much. He’s taller than six feet. She knows this. “What, Ellie-Bellie?” He whispers to her.
This makes her knees buckle even though she doesn’t like him. She doesn’t even mean to say the next words that come out of her mouth.
“-if you wanted to kiss me.” She could die. She cannot believe she just asked a boy– Levi!! The annoying one who was mean to her when she first came to Jackson and started school.
“I do.” Levi bends at his waist and presses his lips to Ellie’s gently. They both exhale at the same time and Levi pulls Ellie close to him by her hand. He wraps her arm around his waist gently and then his hand leaves her. He touches the side of her face softly. They pull away from a gentle embrace after seven seconds– Ellie counted– and he rests his forehead against hers. He has hazel eyes and they are so handsome. Ellie wishes they were attached to a girl.
“Ok…” Ellie doesn’t know what to say.
“I’ve wanted to kiss you since you first started school.” Levi admits in a whisper as he kisses Ellie again softly. “I thought you were into Dina… thought you liked girls?” He sounds a little confused but now his hands are on her waist and no one has ever touched Ellie there before like that. It’s making her head spin and how good he smells.
“Can we…” Ellie swallows real hard and forces herself to say it. “..will you take me to your room?”
Levi was not what she wanted…but he was very gentle with Ellie. He went very slow…so slow Ellie almost told him to hurry up but once she felt that pinching pain you had talked about once…she had been grateful for Levi… for being so kind to her during all of that. Like he knew she didn’t really want to be there…but she was asking for all of this and never once told him to stop.
Her body even had a reaction to him and that made her feel even more ashamed because– what!? She didn’t even like it!? She had her eyes closed the entire time, mostly because she didn’t want to look at the boy on top of her but also…because it kind of felt good? Really good
She knew what the fuss was about. She just wished she had experienced that for the first time with Dina. She’s mad Dina didn’t wanna do that with her.
Because it did feel good. She wanted to make Dina feel good the way Levi had made her feel but with the ability to keep her eyes open. She wanted Dina to make her feel that good.
Levi had insisted on using protection. Ellie honestly hadn’t even thought about it, but she was thankful until he told her his reasoning.
“Like bein’ able to finish inside.” He panted as he rolled off of her. Ellie could have thrown up.
She threw her clothes on and just ran away. Ran to the stables and hid in one of the stalls and cried. Cried so hard and for so long until she thought she was going to throw up.
“You obviously have regrets…but those are also normal.” Don tries to comfort her but it doesn’t work.
“You gonna tell me it’s hard being fifteen again?” Ellie rolls her eyes but it makes Don chuckle.
“Yeah. I am.” He sighs through his chuckling. “You have to keep telling yourself that these feelings you have are all so normal for the age you are at.” Don explains very nicely. “If you came here today and told me you have never thought of sex, never once even thought about it or never had an emotional or physical connection before… I would be more worried about you.” Don smiles now.
“Sure. I bet that's what every adult wants a kid to say.” Ellie chortles because she knows that's what you wishes she said.
“You parents probably do.” He smirks. “But when you come here and tell me tht you’re confident in your sexuality, confident in who you are and are not attracted to– when you open up to me and tell me you’ve done and experienced things like this. Have those feelings you’re having… it tells me that you are a normal teenage girl, who is having normal teenage experiences.” Don nods. Ellie just sighs. “I know it doesn’t make it easier.”
“Sure doesn’t.” Ellie grumbles.
“I’ll share something with you before our time is up that might help you, okay?” Don raises his eyebrows. Ellie shrugs. “Back in the old world, there used to be a thing called support groups.” He nods.
“What are those?”
“It was a group of people who shared a common issue– alcoholics, drug addicts– grief. All different kinds. I used to recommend them to my patients all the time.” Don sounds like he misses them.
“Why?” Ellie doesn’t get it. The name sounds nice– support group– but it also sounds kind of weak.
“Because, it eases the isolating feelings of whatever you’re going through. Sometimes sharing those feelings and hearing others experiences helps us deal. You get first hand accounts of other people feeling the same exact way as you.” Don shrugs. “Sometimes it makes the feelings less lonely. Less unnatural to your brain when you know someone else is going through the same thing.”
“They used to work?” Ellie is skeptical.
“For some. You have to want to share, want to take it all in. Even if it’s scary. Accepting the things you’ve done or that have been done to you aren’t easy. Sometimes it’s too hard for people and they shut it all out. Support does nothing for those who don’t want to see peace.”
“I just wanna be happy.” Ellie whispers. “I just want someone to love me the way my dad loves my mom. The way Connie and Lucas love each other. I want someone to look at me the way my mom looks at my dad.”
Ellie is sitting on the couch looking at you and Joel. She just got back from her first therapy session with Don since the big move. You're hoping that they talked about...the thing. You're too afraid to bring it up to her again and it took Joel almost four full days to work up the courage to say something to her at breakfast that morning. He did good... kinda. You told him he did good. He tried. Said smart a lot, but you won't tell him that!!
“Hi.” You smile at her.
“You already said that. What’s going on?” Ellie raises her eyebrow.
“I’m doin’ somethin’ nice fer’ yer’ mom. Takin’ her away for the night. Okay?” Joel interjects before you can soften the blow for her.
“You guys are really going somewhere without me?” Ellie is annoyed and hurt and it’s obvious.
“You haven’t heard the whole thing.” You excitedly say holding your hands out at her and wiggling your fingers.
“Okay.” Ellie rolls her eyes but it does nothing to stop you from being excited.
“When we get back… the three of us are going on an adventure. There was a town on the map we didn’t get to go to and I wanna go and see if there is anything good there. We want you to come with us. We’ll leave two weeks after we get back. When there are more people here to watch the colony and everything.” You almost cheer. Ellie’s eyes light up.
“Say mean it.” Ellie points at you with a smirk on her face.
“Mean it!” You exclaim. She jumps up and hugs you around the waist tightly and then pulls away.
“Who is watching Nora while you’re gone?” Ellie is suspicious.
“I’m gonna go ask Patti.” Do you wanna come with me? You flick an eyebrow up at her. She nods.
“I’m gonna pack a little. We’ll leave soon.” He kisses you softly as you grab the baby and her diaper bag. Wishful thinking and hoping as you walk to Patti’s room.
“If she says no, I’ll watch her. I don’t mind.” Ellie reassures and takes Nora from you.
Your heart is pounding in your chest when you knock on the door. Patti answers it and smiles warmly at your family minus one.
“Hi. Is everything alright?” She notices the bag on your shoulder and frowns softly.
“Oh! Yes, everything is fine. I actually…wanted to ask you a question… because you said you missed Nora yesterday…” You are so scared.
“Do you need a babysitter!?” Patti reaches for and then grasps your hand in hers. “I will do it. I’ll do it everyday if you need me to.” Patti is so deadly serious that it makes you laugh. “Do you want to come in?” She moves her body out of the way and invites the three of you inside.
“Joel is taking me somewhere… overnight.” You give her a sheepish look. “Normally we’d ask Ellie or Con–”
“Done.” Patti reaches for the baby.
“Really?” You are shocked. “You don’t even care that she might wake up in the middle of the—”
“Nope.” Patti takes Nora from Ellie and coos gently into her face. “I do not mind. I do not care. No, I do not. You are so precious.” She holds Nora close to her chest and Nora rests her head on Patti comfortably. You watch as the older woman melts and starts to mock crying. “She is so perfect.”
“I’m glad you wanna spend time with her. I get so worried that she’s only ever gonna know the two of us and Joel.” You smirk. “I like that she’s got a big ole group of people that care about her—”
“I love her, Birdie.” Patti looks at you with serious eyes. “I love your whole family. Really, I do.” She sounds like she might cry but then she waves her had at you and Ellie.
“Go. Be gone with both of you. I know where your teenager lives if I need help– but I won’t. Because I was a mother and a grandmother for very briefly. It is my time to shine, Birdie. Get out of here.” She waves you away towards the door. “No allergies?” She quickly starts to ask good questions. “Any foods to stay away from? Does she still take formula?”
“She eats…everything. Has no qualms about any of it. I give her a bottle in the morning and at night right before bed. She’s got all that stuff in her bag.” You smirk and lean in to kiss Nora’s forehead. “Momma loves you very much. Have fun with your new stand in Grammy.” You tease her but when you pull away Patti is looking at you with wet eye. “You okay?”
“It’s just an honor that you trust me with her. After everything you and her have gone through…it really means a lot to me.” Patti smiles and hugs you gently while Nora babbles in between you.
Once the door is shut and Patti’s apartment is a decent distance away, Ellie speaks.
“She’s nice. She used to scare me a little.” Ellie chuckles.
“Scare you?? Why!” You’re shocked by this because Patti is seriously the most kind person you know.
“Dunno. She just looks kinda scary— like she might be mean.” Ellie shrugs. Which is funny because apparently, Patti can be kinda mean. She was with her husband sometimes.
“She’s nice. To me at least. Maybe you need someone to be mean to you.” You tease her and pinch at Ellie’s sides.
“Oh no. I dealt with enough mean people at the FEDRA school.” Ellie laughs as she tries to push your hands off her.
“You’re right. I was put on this planet to be nice to you forever and always, regardless of whatever silly choices you may make.” You wrap one arm around her shoulder and kiss the top of her head. “You’re going to make good choices while we’re gone? No one over and no sleeping anywhere but your bed?” You question.
“I know.” She sighs but doesn’t sound annoyed.
“S’wrong? You and Dina fighting now?” You are curious. You’ve avoided it besides the talk yesterday at breakfast with Joel.
“No. Just weird. Things were going alright before she opened her mou—” Ellie grumbles, but you stop her before she can get too worked up.
“Hey, I’m not really mad at you or anything for doin’ what you did. I was curious at fifteen too. I was just chicken.” You laugh but she doesn’t smile or anything. You want to ask her this, you've been wanting to ask her this but you're worried it's inappropriate. “Were you kinda scared?” You ask her gently after a minute.
“Kinda.” Ellie whispers and drops her head to look at the ground.
“Was he nice to you, at least?” You remember your first time and even though you absolutely loved it and couldn’t imagine a candle lit, romantic first time now…you’d slice the throat of anyone who talked to Ellie the way Joel spoke to you for your first time. You loved it. Love it even more now knowing the funny history behind it and how he feels bad now. But...if anyone ever spoke to Ellie the way Joel spoke to you in the bedroom...you'd kill them. You still don't even know what this kid looks like!! Dungarees or whatever his fucking name is!
“He was. Real nice.” Ellie whispers. She still doesn’t smile. "Still fuckin' gross that I did it."
“I’m sorry you’re feeling bad about it. I’m sure that won’t stick with you forever– that bad feeling. I’m sure of it.” You try and reassure her but you don’t know if that’s true. You always knew you liked boys. Thought about kissing girls sometimes… did once with your friend Sophia but you never once thought about doing anything else. So, you dunno if she is going to feel guilty or whatever she feels forever or not.
“Don said it was normal to do something like that. Doesn’t make it any less disgusting.” Ellie rolls her eyes and now you’re laughing again.
“It is disgusting. Don’t ever do it again–” You start but Ellie scoffs and cuts you off.
“Oh…. like that’s not all you and Dad used to do on the road when I fell asleep? ” Ellie rolls her eyes. “You guys acted like I was blind, dead and also fucking stupid.” Ellie looks at you now with disgust. “You are both disgusting. Both of you.” Ellie pushes your arm off her shoulder easily and smirks at you. “I remember that scrape on your cheek. What’d you do? Let him hit you with a brick or something? Freaks.”
“Ellie!” You exclaim through a snicker. “Leave us alone.”
“S’what you guys are leaving the bunker to do tonight. I know it. Disgusting.” Ellie rolls her eyes and speeds up her pace before you can tickle her again. You can’t even really chase after her because of your leg.
Ellie is a little shit. But you love her. She's yours.
Joel pulls you up behind him on the horse and you wrap your arms around his waist.
“Where you takin’ me?” You whisper quietly into his ear. He leans back against you softly and turns his head to talk to you over his shoulder.
“Just be quiet and lemme surprise you.” He is smirking and you squeeze him a little tighter. The saddle bags are packed tight and Joel has his pack strapped to one side of the saddle and your pack is still on your back. You both have your sleepers.
“Fine. I’ll just enjoy being able to ride behind you without you bleeding all over me for the first time–”
“This isn’t the first time we’ve been on horseback together since—” Joel interjects but you cut him off too.
“It sure is. This is the only other time we’ve ever been on a horse together outside of that time you got fuckin’ stabbed.” You snip gently as he heads south. You roll you eyes as you press your cheek to his back. There is just a slight chill in the air– not enough to be uncomfortable or even really cold. It’s enough to know that you’re going to appreciate Joel sleeping next to you tonight for warmth.
You guys travel for a while. The sun sets but you don’t care. You feel so safe with him and know he’s going to do something fun for you. You get into Yellowstone and are stunned once again by its beauty– even in the moonlight. It’s breathtaking. Joel continues further into the national park until you’re at the base of a mountain. It is literally the most incredibly large thing you have ever seen. You had kind of seen it off in the distance but… it was monstrous.
Joel eases himself off the horse and then holds you under the arms as you slide off the saddle. He sets you to the ground and gives you a small peck.
“We’re…not climbing that thing…right?” You ask nervously as he starts to unpack all his gear. He laughs softly and shakes his head no.
“With your bum leg? Hell no.” Joel is still chuckling. “Do you wanna come with me to get some firewood or do–”
“I wanna come with you.” You don’t let him give you the other option and it makes him smirk. He holds his hand out for yours as he slings his pack over his shoulder.
“So Patti was perfectly fine with keeping Nora?” Joel asks, sounding surprised.
“She told me she loves her.” You chuckle. “I dunno. It’s hard to read Patti most times, but we’re going to see each other outside of just therapy…maybe I’ll get to know her a little more. She had two kids two died in the outbreak.” You whisper to him. Joel swallows hard.
“Sarah died in my arms the night of the outbreak.” He admits quietly. You almost stop walking but he doesn’t so you carry on beside him. You’re not sure if he is going to say more…so you don’t really want to say anything or ask him questions…but he’s just being quiet, picking up bigger branches and logs while you collect twigs and kindling.
“I’m sorry, Hon.” You whisper after a very long bout of silence.
“S’okay.” Joel whispers back. He sounds so sad. “It was hard but I realized that I got to be there for her in the last moments. Kinda eased my heart knowing she was lookin’ right at me. Gettin’ to spend time with me.” He sounds like he’s trying to hold back tears. He has his back turned to you though and is still grabbing wood. You dunno if he needs your comfort or if it would make him break down. You walk to him anyway and place a gentle hand on his back. He jumps softly and looks at you over his shoulder. He isn’t crying. Not even a tear in his eyes. He looks like he is happy to be thinking about Sarah.
“Was she a sweet girl?” You ask him with a soft smile. Joel nods and closes his eyes.
“She sure fuckin’ was. Just wanted her dad to be happy.” He sighs. “Sacrificed a lot for me. Didn’t have to…but she did. I sacrificed a lot for her. a I did everything I could to make sure she had everything she could ever want…so much that I stopped bein’ able to be there for her the way she needed— not always.” Joel corrects himself and he’s never, ever done that before. “But she did need me and I wasn’t always there. Couldn’t always keep my promises to her.”
“I don’t think there is a parent out there who can keep every single promise they make their kids. I fuckin’ let Ellie down a bunch. Dina too!” You exclaim in frustration. “It’s so easy to look into their eyes and just say anything to make them smile. To not see them upset. It’s so hard to know that you sometimes make promises you know you can’t keep. But I’ve done it. My parents fuckin’ did it. I’m sure yours did.”
Joel and you walk back towards your little camp and he starts to build a fire. You start to set up the mats to lay your sleeping bags on.
“Did I ever tell you ‘bout my mom?” Joel whispers quietly.
“Just that she was real nice.”
“She was more than nice. She was heaven sent.” Joel smirks and builds a little teepee with the kindling you gathered. “She was sweet and caring– give you the shoes off her feet if she saw you needed ‘em.” Joel starts the fire the old fashion way with flint and steel. Watching him do stuff like that makes you have to take a deep breathe and calm yourself.
“My mom was the same way.” You whisper. “How did she pass?” You ask cautiously.
“Died of an aneurysm in her bedroom. Dropped. My dad found her not two minutes later n’ she was already gone.” Joel says sadly. “I had just moved in with my girlfriend– my ex– and fuck. I regret all the time not being there. If I had found her my dad wouldn’t have gotten so fucked up.” Joel is angry now.
“What happened to your dad?” You ask like you don’t already know. Joel half shrugs.
“Dunno. Broke him, I guess.” He sighs. “Tommy called me one day a year later n’ says that he walked in on dad with a gun in his mouth n’ I need to get over there right now.” Joel starts to explain. You sit back and listen from his perspective. “I go there n’ our dads cryin’. Sayin’ he doesn’t know what else to do. Misses our mom too much.” Joel shakes his head.
“I’m real sorry.” You whisper to him.
“I was too. Sorry that he was bein’ such a fuckin’ pussy about it.” Joel scoffs and then he softens and looks at you with sad eyes. “I didn’t mean it like that— I was real young n’ dumb and I thought that then.” He says it quickly and apologetically. “I mean it, B. I thought that when I was almost nineteen. Fightin’ with my fiance. Mad I even proposed but I was young, dumb. Didn’t have either parent around to help me figure out how to get out of it.” Joel shakes his head again.
You stay quiet and let him finish.
“Ex hits me for the first time, right before my brother is about to move in and start helpin’ me get my business started. Just finished school– graduated early because he’s so fuckin’ smart.” Joel grumbles like he might be jealous about this. “So smart n’ he wasted it workin’ for me.” Joel tells you why it really bothers him. “N’ so I couldn’t afford to pay him while he lived with me. I was too embarrassed to tell him that so I just told him I was doin’ his ass a favor by lettin’ him live with me n’ my lady fer’ free. Turns out he was actually doin me the favor. My ex didn’t work. Just sat at home bein’ fuckin’ mad ‘bout nothin’. She doesn’t put her hands on me the entire time he stayed with us.” Joel sounds exhausted. Physically so tired.
You are still so quiet.
“She hits me the night he leaves. Beats the shit out of me for fuckin’ lettin’ him grow weed in the basement n’ sellin’ it outta the house that I bought.” Joel is mad now and going through so many different emotions. “The only reason I never said anything is ‘cause I knew he was doin’ it to make some money– he fuckin’ needed it!! I wasn’t payin’ him.” Joel is ashamed now. “I get the shit beat out of me and then three months later she’s pregnant. Sarah was the best thing that ever happened to me, but that woman stole the last couple years I had with my dad.” Joel admits.
You just let him speak.
“I told my dad that he was a fucking joke. Was so mad at him fer not seeing that I was gettin’ beat up. Not tryin’ to help. I didn’t tell him all that. I did tell him that he should’a manned up and been there for his two boys though. Only jokes wanna die at their own hand.”
“Wow.” You whisper softly. You don’t even mean to.
“Yep. Last thing I ever said to him.” Joel shakes his head. “Such a bad fuckin’ son. That’s why I wanted to name Nora after him if she has been a boy. ‘Cause he deserves to be remembered.”
“I thought you were mad–”
“I was mad. So fuckin’ mad at him. Until I met you, Birdie.” He whispers softly. “I dunno if I could go on without you. Really. I love our girls so much…so, so much. But if somethin’ happened to you… Bird, I dunno if my heart would be able to handle not bein’ with you.”
You’re speechless but this time because he has stolen all of your thoughts. Joel moves to sit beside you on the sleeping bags and wraps his arm around your shoulder and pulls you close to him.
“I can’t picture the rest of my life without you. I really can’t, Birdie-girl. I can’t.” He leans down and presses his lips to the crown of your skull. “You’re my forever n’ always, baby girl.”
Joel doesn’t wait for you to respond or he doesn’t need to. He steals a peck from your lips and gets up, grabbing more hidden supplies and things from his saddle bag and backpack.
You smirk when he pulls out the desserts from the rations.
“You wanna snack? He eases himself down next to you on the sleeping bag and instead of hanging you the brownie, he offers it to you from his outstretched hand. Holding it so you can take a bite. You raise an eyebrow at him but he urges you to take a bite. You do. It’s a ration brownie, but it tastes better out here under the stars with your husband.
Joel and you are both naked in your sleeping bags. He zipped them together to make one big sleeping bag just the right size for the both of you. You’re looking up at the sky, taking in every single star you can see. He is on his side next to you. His hand has never stopped roaming across the front of you. Up your thigh– starting from your knee, he’d drag the tips of his fingers up so gently. Then he’d flatten his hand out on your hips and drag his hand across your stomach slowly He’d cup each of your breasts in his hand and squeeze them softly before moving up to trace your collarbones with the outside of his thumbs.
“You won’t be upset if we can’t have another baby?” You ask very softly. Almost silently.
“No.” Joel leans in and kisses your shoulder. “M'very content with my lil family. I just like comin’ inside you…with the idea that I might…it’s hot…I dunno.” Joel sounds embarrassed.
“I know what you mean.” You smirk and turn your head to look at him. “I’m scared to have another baby– after what happened with Nora and everything. I don’t know if I’d be able to handle it.” You whisper, also embarrassed.
“I understand. I’d be lyin’ if I said I didn’t think about it, Birdie.” Joel leans to you now and kisses underneath your right eye softly. “Yer’ an amazing mom. Doin’ everything you could and still can to make sure you’re the best mom for them. S’why I wanna give you the whole world– s’much of it as I can.” Joel holds his hand up to the sky slightly. “S’fer you. This is all yours. I picked it out fer’ ya.” Joel leans down and kisses your smirking lips gently.
“I love you.” Is all you are able to say when he pulls away. You’re very quiet tonight. Joel has stolen a lot of the words and thoughts out of your mouth.
“I love you.” You murmurs against your shoulder softly. “I didn’t bring you out here t’fuck you. I think I just wanna be close t’ya.” He whispers softly.
“Why?” You’re in so much shock.
“Ugh. I don’t wanna talk about Don right now.” Joel groans and rolls his eyes but then flashes his eyes and smirks at your confused face. You also don’t wanna talk about Don right now. Not when Joel has his fingers teasing your small patch of pubic hair so gently. “I just forgot that…love is still important. I love you– tell ya all the time, got you the ring…but I don’t never DO nothin’ fer’ ya. Took ya to the bar and smoke ya up all the time, sure. But…we never been on a date. Never got to do nothin’ romantic for you.” Joel sighs.
“You saved me in that hospital. And you saved me from the infected on the water tower. That was really romantic.” You smile at him but he frowns.
“Would’a never been in those situations if it wasn’t fer’ me though.” Joel sighs.
“I’d do it all over aain. Gettin’ shot n’ falling off the tower. I would.” You whisper.
“Why?” Joel stares down at you and sighs softly, his hand pressed flat against the top of your mound and lower stomach.
“Why wouldn’t I? You’ve done nothing but show me how devoted you are to your family. You went so far for Ellie… you almost died for her too. I think you forgot that.” You whisper. “Ellie almost died trying to save you, too. We’re just a bunch of goobers all trying to die for one another. I don’t know of anything more…family than that.” You smile. “You gave me that. Before I ever even knew I loved you. Before we got to Salt Lake. We were a little family then– playing sorry and eating ravioli out of the can.”
Joel continues to stare with a small smile on his face.
“I never told you this but it felt like were together for a week before we got to that hospital. I thought that to myself– wow, a week. We made great time. No. A whole fucking month and some change went by. Seasons changed, Joel. I didn’t even notice because I was having so much fun with you guys.” You snort now at how oblivious you had been.
“I was so scared that you were gonna wanna go home– not stay with me if it weren’t for Bug. I loved what the three of us had so much, s’why I tried to get her to go back to Tommy’s before we actually got to the hospital. ‘Cause I was afraid of losing both of you n’ bein’ all alone.” Joel whispers softly.
“I would have followed you all the way back to Boston if that’s where you wanted to take me.”
"I hope those two love birds have fun tonight. God knows they deserve it-- they need it. I'm glad we get to spend time with the little one together." Patti smiles at Nora, who is staying with. Don smiles at her happily, but remembers that Patti enjoys the outdoors. Immensely. Loves all things beautiful and bright...just like her.
“Are you enjoying your time here so far… I know you miss the sun and the light.” Don is sad for his friend– dear, dear friend Patti.
“I am not enjoying it any more or any less than I enjoyed the colony behind the wall in Jackson.” Patti responds in a cooed tone right at Nora’s face. She is sitting on the floor, holding both of the babies hands in hers and helping her stand upright for an extended period of time. Nora is about to be an independent baby. She will not need any sort of help soon.
“Oh I hate when you give me answers like that, Patricia.” Don does hate that. It’s annoying and only she can get away with annoying him like that.
“I know, it’s why I do it.” She giggles in the child’s face happily and that makes Nora squeal with excitement. “Ugh.” Patti looks back at Don with a frown.
“Oh, Dove, what’s wrong?” Don hates when Patti is upset this way.
“We’ve spoken before about how I feel for Bird and her family…” Patti struggles with this once again.
“I know.. I know… If you tell her how much you really care— it might affect the professionalism of your relationship. I know. I know it hurts you.” Don doesn’t have much advice to offer his friend, unfortunately. When Patti took on the responsibility of being your therapist… the chances of becoming friendly with you basically go out the window. You do not get both.
“I just wonder if she needs a therapist or does she need or even want someone who could step in and be there for her like a mother would. I can always offer the same advice. Be there for her in the same exact way— even more so–” Patti wants this relationship with you badly. She is desperate for… something. Don isn’t really sure what it is. She hasn’t told him and he can’t read it. He cuts her off which he doesn’t like to do.
“Yes. You’re not wrong, but what happens when you’re the one she’s upset with? It happens. Children get upset with their parents all the time.” Don nods. “Then who does she go to?" Don asks but doesn't wait for a response. "What happens when she does something that upsets you!?” Don exclaims which he doesn’t do often. Nora giggles at him and he holds his arms out to her from where he’s sitting across the room.
Patti sets her down in a clear path to Don and Nora takes her clumsy, clunky baby steps to him and she babbles something that sounds like ‘Dah’.
“She just said Don.” Patti snaps her fingers at Don and stands up off the floor. “She most surely did.”
“Oh she did not. She is speaking baby.”
“You’re her grandpa.” Patti smirks. “Grandpa Don and Grandma Patti.” She smiles now and it makes Don smile too. “Could be if you stopped refusing my advances after twenty years.” She rolls her eyes now and makes Don laugh.
“And ruin what we have? I wouldn’t be able to make it in this world if you ended up hating me, Patricia. Sometimes love and bonds are deeper and more meaningful than just physical intimacy…” Don trails off when he sees Patti mocking him silently, flapping her hands as he is speaking. Don has said this thousands of times. Sometimes to a begging Patricia. “Oh you’re such a stink.” Don waves his hand at her. “The longest friend I’ve had and you want to throw it away… for what!? Mediocre sex— with me?? I don’t think so. You deserve to be ravaged… too beautiful for an old man like me.” Don smirks at his friend.
“I dunno how you kept your composure all those years.” Patti shakes her head.
“I had my moments of weakness…or did you forget?” Don winks, remembering having his head between Patti’s legs years after the outbreak. She had begged… pleaded with Don for some sort of release. But that’s all he ever did for her and he only did it when he could see that she was asking for more than just pleasure and release…she needed to forget about something… in those moments of desperate begging from his friend did he break his own rules about friendship and professionalism– because where else was Patti going to get it? And Don did owe her his life. So making her feel good for hours… in those few times she did more than beg, just so she could forget– feel good for just a little while… made Don feel good about what he was doing for her in those moments.
He never, ever let her repay the favor or took it any further than that.
“I think about those times often…and fondly.” Patti smirks devilishly. It makes Don’s heart flutter. If this had been a different world… and they hadn’t been colleagues and friends… he would ravage her. She would be the first and only woman he would ravage.
“I bet you do, Minx.” Don winks at her. “You deserve more than me. You do. You enjoy walks outside and being in the sunlight–” Don says sadly. He would never be able to give her the life or the love she wanted, needed or deserved. It killed both of them because they knew this.
“You do not. I know, I know.” Patti sighs disappointingly. “You really wouldn’t hate me if I ever did try and find love again?” Patti seems hesitant to ask.
“Never, Dove. Never, ever. I would hope you would tell me the good news first.” He smiles and means this. He just wants Patti to be happy. She deserves a good, kind man who can do things with her. “I would be ecstatic if you ever got the chance to love someone again.”
“Well I’ve always loved you– even when I was married—”
“Patricia…I’ve told you to knock that off. You loved your husband very, very much—”
“Donald… I’ve told you to knock that off. I can tell you my feelings! I have always cared and loved you. You know this. When I was studying underneath yo–” Patti explains to Don again... for the one thousandth time.
“Which is why it never went anywhere in the beginning! You were technically my student! I would have —” Don exclaims again but Patti cuts him off with the response she's heard a thousand times.
“Ruined your reputation– bullshit. So many therapists fuck–” Patti rolls her eyes and crosses her arms over her chest in frustration.
“Yes. Therapists. You were not a therapist…yet, Dove. So shut up.” Don smirks and holds his pointer finger out to her, slightly curled. She hooks hers with his and they smile at each other fondly. “I love you, dear girl. I’ve always loved you. Our paths just never cross… they are always meant to just walk side by side. Almost touching…just like this.” He squeezes her finger gently.
“I know, Mister.” She smiles at him but has tears in her eyes.
“Don’t be sad, Dove. We will be together– as friends in this life and the next. I know we will.”
Notes:
^just him bein' the cutest fucking thing
ok, but why did I cry writing Ellie's first time? And also the very fucking end? (the song and the chapter summary are for Don and Patti... not J+B) I was sobbing like my brain didn't come up with this sad fucking shit. Lord help me. I need to call my therapist and ask him what this chapter means.
Chapter 41: I Feel So
Summary:
'Cause I feel so mad
I feel so angry
Feel so calloused
So lost, confused again
And I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over
Notes:
Okay-- no trigger warning-- just a couple notes and a funny story from me to you. So, we're getting a lil vibe change. I hope y'all picked up on that this last chapter or two. Thing's are movin' in a different direction now that they're moved to the base.
This may seem... a little random, okay? But, you gotta know that this was always my plan. Them moving was never a apart of the original plot when I outlined it. I added that to make more plot after we decided to make this a lil long fic, okay?
I'm a lil nervous about it.
What's discussed in the beginning of this chapter is not going to be the main focus of the whole story. No. Is it something that is going to keep coming up? Sure. Of course. Not the main focus. I promise. Thing's are lookin' a lil more happy n' hopeful for a while for those of you who were getting real tired of the sad. OKAY. I'm so, so sorry. I love you all so much.
PS(what i think is a funny story) I had a dream last night that this fic went on for years and years and each chapter just ended up being ONE day to the characters. omg. But at the end of it all... my dumbass ended it it "And then birdie woke up in the hopsital and Joel was looking at her, asking if he was ready to go back to her cabin in the woods" BRO, i woke up so fast and in a panic. That's not gonna happen yall!! I won't St Elsewhere you guys.
i feel so- boxcar racer
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Birds POV
“Hey, m’sorry that things were so weird with us right in the beginning when you came home from th’medical center.” Joel speaks to you over his shoulder and you can almost barely hear him over the wind. The weather got shitty early, early in the morning, before the sun even came up, you two were already headed back home.
“It’s okay. It was weird. We were trying to figure all this shit out together.” You lean against him and rest your cheek on the back of his shoulder.
“Yea…well.. Kinda.” Joel sighs loudly and your stomach drops into your ass. What the fuck does that mean?
“Wanna elaborate there, bud?” You say dully because you’re fully ready to go home and lay down on the metal floor of the bathroom after hearing what he’s gotta confess to. Fucking fuck.
“Eh, I don’t think it’s too terrible.” Joel chuckles. “Well…I feel dumb now, knowin’ who ya really were when we met. All innocent n’ everything…” Joel trails off and you don’t know why he does, you’re about to fall off this horse because you’re leaning so far to one side trying to see his face.
“What!?” You exclaim after a moment of tension filled silence. Joel chuckles and glances back at you over his shoulder.
“I was just makin’ sure you was payin’ attention.” Joel smirks and you could stab him right now. Right where he had been stabbed before n’ you wouldn’t stitch him up this time. Yes you would. You just hate this long, drawn out bullshit.
“Tell me what the fuck you’re gonna say— makin’ me fuckin’ nervous!” You jab him in the side once where he had been almost mortally wounded. He exclaims and pulls his side away from your stiff and probably painful fingers.
“Knock it off or I won’t tell you.” He sneers at you, facing forward.
“Fuckin’ spit it out, old man.” You snap at him and make him chuckle.
“Oh, now I’m not tellin’ you nothin…lil girl.” He growls and reaches behind him to pinch at the outside of your thigh.
“I’ll jump off this horse and run into the woods as fast as I can and leave you with those two brats back at the base.” You partially joke, but you’re fucking nervous. Joel admits and confesses nice things to you all the time…but when you guys first moved into that house and started your lives together… things were a fucking mess. Like… a real fucking mess. So, you’re scared to know what the fuck he’s talking about.
“Don’t you dare.” Joel snaps back at you, turning his head to look at you over his shoulder again so he can watch you— like you might actually do it. “Think that I can raise them two stinky girls by myself? Stop’it.” Joel is unimpressed with you and it’s hard to bite back your smirk.
“Tell me.” You growl at him the best you can.
“Fine. You’re the brat. Callin’ me old man .” Joel scoffs. “I am, but you don’t get t’call me that.” He huffs softly.
“I’m your wife… you call me stupid? I’ll call you old–”
“I only call you that in th’bedroom, never outside of it!! You can call me old man in bed, but not on the back of a horse!” Joel exclaims and he sounds actually offended.
“Oh my god. Fine, just tell me what you were going to say.” You’re back to being dull and annoyed with him because this is dragging on for far too long. You need to know if when you go to pick up Nora from Patti’s, is it going to be just a pick up? Or are you going to have to do a session right in her new tiny living room because you won’t be able to make it to her new, impersonal office.
“You ever heard of a sub?” Joel is peering at you out of the corner of his eye. You can see him.
“Like the…sandwich?” You have heard of one of those. Loved them back in the day.
“Nevermind, s’all I needed to hear.” Joel chuckles and looks forward again. You’re left staring at the back of his jacket.
“Like a sub…stitute teacher?” You don’t take your eyes off this one little blood stain he has on his coat. You feel…so dumb. What the fuck else could he be talking about?
“Not that.” Joel is still chuckling and you feel it in your arms wrapped around his waist. You pinch your brows together and think of all the things sub could be an abbreviation of. Submarine? No. You’re nowhere close to water deep enough to hold a submarine…you don’t think. That’s literally it. There are so many other words that have sub as the beginning but nothing else would be just called sub.
“Tell me.” You are desperate for the answer and he can hear it in your voice.
“Never heard of a…submissive?” He asks curiously.
“I know what that means— why are you using it as a noun?” You’re so confused. He can’t see you wrinkling your nose but you are. Joel still laughs at you like you are a comedian. You hate it.
“‘Cause it is. A submissive is a person– a role.” He explains carefully and calmly. He’s not laughing anymore. “S’why I said you were below be at the table that one day. ‘Cause I thought you wanted that.” He admits this like he has mixed feelings about the memory. Something inside of him is conflicting.
“Is…that something you wanted?” And now you’re eyebrows are raised almost to your hairline because what!? Is this something he wants to explore!?
“I had never really thought ‘bout it before— not a lot. Interestin’ idea, but… then we talked in the park and I realized you…didn’t even know what that was. ‘Cause you were a virgin before you met me. So… I’m real sorry for all that. I put you in that position without talkin’ about it with you first.” He speaks quietly and now you can almost barely hear him again over the whipping wind.
You don’t really know what to say. He’s right. You did not know what that was— it does not sound like something you want…even though it’s all you do is submit to him. But you don’t wanna be below him. No. You’re his equal. None of that sounds fun. Maybe a lil— but not all the time!! Not for your whole life!! In the bedroom only.
“Thanks for telling me that. N’ stopping when we talked about it.” You press your cheek to his shoulder again and sigh softly. Joel relaxes in your arms.
“Yeah. I been meanin’ to tell you that. You just been all outta sorts n’ then we moved. S’just been kinda hard. Never wanted to send you back into a spiral or nothin’.” Joel sounds like he’s a little less nervous to talk to you now and more comfortable again. “N’ then so much time went by that I wondered if I even should tell ya, ‘cause…so much time went by n’ we never talked ‘bout it again. Just felt weird. I felt kinda…stupid? I dunno. Don’t like feelin’ stupid.” Joel confesses and it pangs your heart a little and you hug him tightly from behind.
“Don’t feel stupid. We all make mistakes. We all fuckin’ assume shit sometimes. We talk though. I’m glad you told me that. Maybe I can be your submissive in the bedroom sometime.” You giggle into his shoulder and he shivers in your arms.
“You’d let me dominate you?” He whispers back to you just loud enough to be heard.
“You already do, old man.”
The rest of the ride home is quiet and wet as it starts to rain. It’s miserable and you are freezing by the time you guys reach the base. Ken is on patrol this morning and looks pleased to see the both of you– even with his bandanna over his nose and mouth. He waves quickly and walks to meet the two of you at the makeshift stable that Joel, Ken and Daniel threw together as a temporary shelter for the couple of horses that are here now and then the forty plus horses that will be here in a few days– maybe a week.
“You two have a good time?” Ken asks, feeding the horse a couple of candies Ken must have found somewhere in the base.
“Were havin’ fun ‘till the rain started.” Joel grumbles and shrugs his shoulders to try and unstick his wet clothes from his body. Both of you are soaked through your jackets and all the clothes underneath.
“Damn, I saw that storm rollin’ in earlier this mornin’ n’ started t’get worried ‘bout you guys.” Ken admits but sounds relieved that you’re back before the storm got worse. You can already hear thunder rumbling in the distance.
“Everything quiet while we were gone?” Joel gives Ken a inquiring look as he starts to unpack his saddlebag.
“Couple of infected rolled through. Nothin’ crazy. Didn’t even get close to the perimeter— good call pullin’ it back in from the tree line as much as ya did.” Ken nods to Joel respectfully and feeds the horse another candy. “Not many, five er’ six. Y’all see any out there?”
“Not one.” You say honestly and pull the hunting rifle out of a deep pocket in the saddle bag and throw it over your shoulder while Joel continues to empty the countless bags and pockets. “They come from up north?” You’re curious, you two went south. Ken nods. “Hm, same as last time. Weird. Wonder where they’re comin’ from.” You ponder this thought for a second before a loud crash of thunder makes you flinch. The horse between you and Joel snorts nervously and Ken rubs his snout softly.
“S’okay.” Ken soothes the horse quietly and you grab the last of the things off the horse's saddle.
“You good? You need anything?” You ask Ken as you start walking towards the bunker.
“Damn, I got a couple things I need… don’t think you’ll be able to help me find ‘em though.” Ken jokes and Joel gives him a look from over the back of the horse. Ken notices and tries to further explain. “Nothin’ funny! Not funny like that at all.” Ken is nervous and Joel is still looking at him with pinched brows.
“What do you need Ken? I’ll try n’ find it for you.” You chuckle at their awkward encounter because you do know that Ken isn’t ever trying to be funny with you. Apologizes for even an accidental inappropriate pun when they come up. He’s very respectful of you. And Joel.
“Well, I been lookin’ fer’ that movie Dances with Wolves… it’s not here—”
“Love that movie– Mary McDonell?” Joel whistles and now you’re looking at your husband with pinched brows.
“Anything else?” You roll your eyes at Joel who smirks at you and shrugs his shoulders like he cannot help who he finds attractive in movies you’ve never seen.
“Shiiiit, if yer’ serious… couple of golf clubs n’ some golfballs.” Ken laughs softly.
“Done.” You don’t mean to snap but you’re still annoyed with Joel. You turn on your heel and leave both of them in the makeshift stable– barn? You dunno. It’s a shelter. Gotta roof and four walls but that’s literally it. They’ll get a better one once Tommy is up and on his feet again and everyone else gets here. You’re so excited for that.
You drop everything off at your apartment and change into dry clothes before you go and see Patti. She is in her pajamas and…Nora has on a matching pair. It’s an adorable long sleeve button up shirt and pant set– it’s a soft pink and has white hearts all over them.
“This might be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.” You nod and cross your arms over your chest. “Where are my matching pajamas?” You tease and smirk as Patti lets you into her apartment.
“I made these! I’ll make you a pair!!” Patti exclaims excitedly. Your jaw drops open in shock.
“You made both of those… last night?” You don’t believe her. She’s lying. Has to be.
“I had mine already. Made them a while ago. I have so much left over fabric—” She starts to explain while putting Nora back in a highchair. There was a collapsible highchair in each apartment between the fridge and the wall when you got here. Very convenient. She has made Nora powders eggs– given her some canned fruit and some toast. Nora is holding a bottle in her hand before Patti even buckles her into the chair!
“You made those pajamas for her…last night?” You cut her off because you’re just in awe. You taught yourself how to sew. You raided a craft store once and stole a couple things they call ‘patterns’ of shirts and pants and then would just take fabric whenever you found some. You got pretty good but never good enough to make a whole set– not even for Nora’s tiny little body– in one night.
“Yeah, it’s simple. Takes a little longer without my sewing machine. I loved to sew before the outbreak.” She sighs sadly.
You know what else you’re getting on your little outing with Joel and Ellie in a couple weeks.
“Oh! I completely forgot to ask you yesterday… and you can say no, but in two weeks Joel and I are taking Ellie to a city a couple hours away—” You are still talking when Patti interrupts you.
“Do you want me to watch Nora? I will. Absolutely.” She is smiling and watching the baby— who really isn’t a baby anymore. She’s basically walking all by herself and she can say Mama and Dada. She’s working on Ellie but it’s just Eeeeeeee. Says it all the time when she’s with Ellie, so it’s gotta be her name.
“If you don’t mind… we might be gone for two nights. We’re taking one of the Humvee’s though, so it might not. It kinda just depends on what we find and how much stuff is there. I’m gonna grab a bunch of clothes for everyone in the colony just so that there is stuff to pick through for everyone once people get here.” You explain what this outing is for.
There is also a Taco Bell in this city and you are in desperate need of their hot sauce. You dunno why but it’s been on your mind— ever since you saw that there was a Taco Bell– it’s all you can think about.
“That’s so kind of the three of you to do that.” Patti gives you her nice eyes.
“Do you wanna come over for dinner tonight? You can invite Don–” You blurt this out even though you have nothing to make for dinner but rations but you like talking to Patti.
“I would love to come. Don…not so much. He’s not really a people person.” Patti smirks and runs her manicured fingernails through Nora’s curls.
“That’s so funny because he was a therapist before the outbreak…had to be around people all the time?” You’re so confused as to how that works. Patti snorts softly and shakes her head.
“Don is a very, very intelligent man. He knows so much about people and how they work. Why brains do what they do– even when that brain might not be a textbook brain. Don knows.” Patti speaks of him so highly and it’s so cute. Joel told you last night that they’ve never actually slept together.
“So…are you and Don…like an item?” You pry a little, you never really ask Patti questions about herself like this. She’s normally therapy-ing you.
“No.” Patti snorts it out again, like it’s kinda funny to her. “Never were. Just very good friends.” She smiles again with her fingers still in Nora’s hair. You bink at her and wonder if you should keep pushing. You do.
“Friends…who…fuck?” You smirk at her and she flicks her eyes from the top of Nora’s head and to you, she smirks again.
“We never did that.” She laughs.
“You told me he made you… uh…you know.” You blush and have to avert your eyes from her gaze because that’s a little awkward. You were horrified when she told you that he did that to her.
“You don’t need to get laid to feel good, Birdie… Does Joel not do nice favors for you sometimes?” She questions you further into your hole of shame and embarrassment.
“He does.” You say it so quietly because you could pass away of embarrassment even though Patti already knows all about your sex life already. “Don does that for you?” Now you’re curious even though you did not wanna know about it the first time. Now you do.
“Used to. When we were in the country together.” Patti suddenly very sad. You feel so bad for her. You wonder when the last time she got laid was. Poor Patti.
“I’m sorry… we don’t have to talk about it anymore. I didn’t mean to upset you.” You feel terrible because you don’t ever want Patricia to feel bad because of something you said!! Never!!
“Don’t be sorry. It’s a fond memory.” She is still speaking like she is heartbroken about this though, don’t sound like a fond memory. You should just shut up, but you keep pushing even though you don’t want to continue to make her sad.
“Did something happen between you guys? I thought you were friends.” Don seems like such a sweet guy. You only ever met him once in the medical center when Nora was sick and Joel was gone. Joel…actually loves Don, so you can’t see him doing something to hurt Patti, but guys are weird. Joel thought you wanted to be his submissive like a fuckin’ werdo.
“No– nothing happened. That’s why it makes me sad.” She whispers quietly. “I’ve cared for him deeply for a long time. He’s much older than me. He’s eighty-one–”
“Wow, he looks really good for eighty-one.” You blurt out and Patti nods, raising her eyebrows.
“I know.” She smirks. “I’m just turned sixty.” She admits. Your jaw drops.
“You look fuckin’ great. Holy shit. I would have thought…maybe forty-five…fifty, max.” You’re amazed and honestly hope you look as good as she does. Shit. Okay. You dunno if that was a nice thing to say or not. “I’m sorry!” You exclaim after staring at her for far too long. She is smirking and maybe blushing a little?
“Don’t be sorry. You can continue to think that I am forty-five– you tell people that. Everyone you meet. Patti is forty-five.” She jokes playfully and you smile at her.
“You got it. Nora’s got a hot, young Grandma now.” You joke and then hesitate to chuckle because you dunno if Patti really wants to be her grandma. Not one bit. She just loves babies. Who doesn’t?
“It’s an honor to be her young, hot Grandma.” Patti smirks at you and remains cool so, you do too.
“Good. She needs one. Usually just Joel, me n’ Ellie. It’s good that she’s got you.” You smile and nod your head happily.
“I brought her to Don’s last night…” Patti says this like she is guilty of something. You quickly assess Nora and she is fine. No bumps or bruises and she is eating like she is having a competition with someone. No one else is even eating.
“Did…something happen? Is she okay?” You’re so confused as to why she would say it that way.
“No.” Patti pinches her brows together and finally sits down across from you. “You don’t mind if I bring her over there? My son was kind of funny about me taking his son anywhere before the outbreak. You had already left and forgot it was my night to see Donald.” She admits with another, more sad tone. You blink at her.
“Uh…I mean… as long as you don’t like…take her outside until the wall is built— n’ obviously don’t leave her with anyone else n’ she can always be seen by you… n’ don’t let her get kissed by anyone else in here. Don’t really like other people touchin’ her too much.” You realize you do have boundaries as a parent and it’s nice to finally know them and be able to tell them to someone. You had never had to do that before because Joel and Ellie just knew. Connie watched her before she got sick— but you weren’t as weird about Nora then.
“Oh, no. I’d never do any of those things. Always have my eye on her. She’s quick.” Patti goes to poke her nose but then stops and puts her hand in her lap. You laugh and wave your hand at her.
“You’re fine!! I didn’t mean you couldn’t touch her. Just people outside of the family.” You smirk at her and Patti’s eyes soften, get real happy looking and then she does boop Nora, right on the tip of her nose.
Nora wasn’t expecting it– jumps and then giggles at her grandma.
Joel’s POV
Ken is…nice. He’s a little weird. Joel knew this already though– it never bothered him and still doesn’t. Ken isn’t even weird, he just does weird things. Never once shook Joel’s hand before the night they went they left to go to the hospital in Moran. Ken also could be used instead of the clock because he did everything at the same exact time, every single day. The only time his schedule changed is when he was on the move. Even then Ken still found time to wake up before everyone else he was traveling with to run like eight fucking miles with his gun strapped to his chest. Worked out in his garage at the same time every day. Didn’t worry about that on the road but still ate at the same exact time. Every single day, no matter what. When lunch time rolled around, Ken was going to eat. Only stopped to shoot at things.
Joel liked him. Didn’t really like you– his wife, spending so much time with him but he knows you’re desperate for a father figure. Joel doesn’t and is not going to do that. Hell no. He might be your daddy in the bedroom. Nowhere else though.
Ken could be your father though. Or your big brother. Whatever the fuck he wanted to be to you as long as he kept his dick in his pants. Joel had to say something.
“Hey, question fer’ ya– if you got a minute?” Joel is pulling the saddle off the horse to let him relax and breathe.
“What’re thinkin’ ‘bout?” Ken asks mindlessly. Doesn’t have any issues being alone with Joel know that you’re gone. That’s a good sign, Ken doesn’t seem to be nervous at all. Didn’t even flinch when Joel said he had a question for him.
“Sup with you n’ Birdie?” Joel asks calmly even though his heart his pounding in his chest. Your husband believes you when you say that nothing is going on. Not so sure about if Ken wants there to be nothing going on. Ken does look at Joel now with pinched brows.
“Whaddya mean?” Ken doesn’t sound defensive, just a little confused.
“Yer’ spendin’ a lot of time together. Jus’ wonderin’ what y’all do on those lil walks…or what you maybe hope might happen one day?” Joel again, is calm. Chill. Isn’t going to hit Ken. The older man— older than Joel— lets his face relax, his eyes look apologetic already.
“Hey, I’m not tryin’ to move in on what’s yours. Not at all.” Ken holds his hands up and shakes his head. “Be honest whitchya– without it gettin’ back to Birdie at all?” Ken asks softly like you could still be within earshot. This perks Joel’s interest. What does this man want to keep from you? Does Joel really want to know? Hes, he does.
“Depends…might not like what you say.” Joel says honestly and makes Ken laugh.
“Yer’ a good husband,” Ken chuckles. “Nah, it’s not bad. I don’t think so. Might make her a lil uncomfortable.” Ken explains and now Joel might have to hit Ken. Still up in the air about it-- has to hear what he's gonna say first.
“Well? Lemme hear it.” Joel shrugs his shoulders– but really he’s loosening them up to fight Ken…who might win. Ken’s a big guy and is ex-military. So, Joel doesn’t really want to fight Ken.
“She just seems like she could use someone… I dunno. Like a dad? Hope that’s not weird. Jus’ watchin’ her put that IV in Tommy n’ when she was done n’ had really got it in him… I just felt so proud of her.” Ken explains and Joel sees the tears in the older mans blue eyes. Makes him uncomfortable because Ken is about to say something that might make Joel cry and he doesn’t want to be crying in the stables with another grown man. “Never really got the chance to be proud of my own daughter. N’ her old man sounds like he wasn’t ever proud of her. N’ she deserves that. All kids do. She’s no different.”
“Difference is...she ain’t a kid,” Joel doesn’t mean for it to come out so harsh, but he doesn't like when people compare you to a kid, not after what Jackie Harris said. Nope. Hates it. He doesn't fucking look at you that way. You're a woman. His woman!! A grown woman!! He's also trying to not cry, because only got twelve years to be proud of Sarah-- still is proud of her, but can't continue to watch her do things that make him proud...and now he has Ellie...who makes him proud everyday, even though she does dumb fucking shit sometimes. Fuck.
“Hey, I’m at least fifteen, if not twenty years older’n you-- and yer' almost twenty years older'n her... so, she is a kid– in my eyes.” Ken explains carefully as to not piss Joel off. Which he appreciates. Joel is pushing himself towards pissed off so he can stop being sad for you and Ken, and himself about Sarah. “All I’m sayin’ is there ain’t nothin’ funny. I jus’ want her t’know that she has someone like that in her corner– to just help her shine, ya know? She don’t need much help– but when we were talkin’ ‘bout the options of comin’ here… she sounded like my sister. I dunno if Birdie told you what happened-- but my sister was desperate fer’ help. Needed something– someone to fuckin’ help her. It broke my damn heart. I'd hate to see Birdie do somethin' regretful...” Ken shakes his head at Joel and sounds genuinely concerned for you-- Joel's wife. He's not really sure how he feels about another man caring for you so deeply...but it really does seem innocent. Fatherly.
“Sorry ‘bout what happened to yer’ family. All of ‘em. Birdie did kinda tell me what happened. N’ m’sorry fer’ all your loss-- all of it. I lost a daughter in the outbreak. Held her in my arms the last couple moments— so I know yer’ pain. Really, I do.” Joel comforts Ken from across the horses back as thunder claps overhead. Joel doesn't fucking talk about this shit with anyone and now all of a sudden he's just spilling that to anyone who will listen. Fuck. Joel looks at Ken and know's he's a good guy. Wouldn't do anything to harm you, or put you in an uncomfortable situation. He trusts both of you. The next offer he makes is a rare one. “You wanna come over for dinner t’night? We ain’t got much, but you can see Nora, too. I know you been seein’ her more.”
“I’d love that. I’ll bring the whiskey n’ we can have a couple drinks once the lil one goes to bed.” Ken nods his head happily- looking surprised. Joel doesn't blame him. As much as Joel likes and has liked Ken...Joel doesn't really like anyone. He tolerates them. But, he could get to like Ken a little more over whiskey and a shared understanding that you're the most important thing in the world and you are to be treasured and treated like a princess. As do his children which Ken has shown to also be very respectful of.
“Sounds like a plan.” Now Joel has to run through the rain will all this bullshit in his hands and arms from his lil date with you. He hopes it was good...what Don meant when he said take her camping and feed her under the stars. Joel did all that. Was very romantic and didn't even sleep with you despite all your efforts to try. He was just sensual with you. Touched you real nice and made you feel real fuckin' good while he got blue balls. 'Cause that's what Don told Joel to do. So, he hoped it was good. He even opened up to you!! Which is what you wanted. So...he doesn't know what he's expecting from all of that. Nothing really...just wants to make you feel loved and remembered. Joel knows what it feels like to be forgotten about and it fuckin' sucks.
Joel makes his way back to the tiny apartment he kind of hates. He looks around the entire base as he walks into the massive underground structure and is pissed off. There has to be bigger apartments here. The ones everyone is in right now are infantrymen apartments. Joel doesn’t believe that Captains or who-the-fuck-ever ran this place, lived in one of those tiny apartments. He was gonna go fuckin’ look for one. Make a bigger apartment somehow so Ellie could move back in.
He gets to the apartment he shares with just you and Nora now and smiles at the babbling baby walking around the apartment and then gets so sad that she is growing up. You speak before Joel has the chance to.
“I’m so sorry. I invited Patti over for dinner— I know you’re weird about company and stuff but you don’t know her almost at all n’ I really like her—” Joel panics internally and cuts you off.
“I invited Ken over for dinner. Him n’ I had a good talk in the stables. I thought you’d be okay with that.” Joel speaks quickly and nervously. You don’t look upset though.
“That’s fine. They’ve never met!! Ken can meet Patti! She said she didn’t know who he was! This is perfect!” You exclaim happily and it makes Joel relax a little but… also he sweats a little and his heart flutters because he can’t remember the last time he’s seen you really, genuinely this happy about something. He smiles at you and picks Nora up off the floor.
“Ken said he had a bottle of the fun stuff, so once she’s down we can all have a drink or two.” Joel shrugs his shoulders and picks up his youngest daughter. She tries to bite his face but he stops her and points a finger at her. “No biting.” He says it firmly.
Joel is semi-terrified of scolding her in front of you because the last time he did that you ended up losing your fucking mind two minutes later. So, he is nervous. You do nothing though, don’t even look upset.
“Yeah, she’s bein’ a lil shit with that biting.” You look annoyed at your precious youngest child and it makes Joel laugh while he holds the baby close to his chest. She tries to bite him again and Joel puts her back on the floor.
“No biting. Now I don’t hold you.” He looks down at his daughter who now, looks like she is going to cry and her bottom lip is jutted out. Her eyes are all wet and sad. Joel’s heartbreaks immediately and he scoops her back up. It’s like Nora sucked all the sadness back into her because she is trying to bite him again. Joel.. who is a good dad, a very good dad, he knows this— puts Nora back on the ground and avoids looking at her sad little face. “No. Biting.” Joel scolds her once again and then walks around her to not have to see her start crying.
Nora starts to chase him into the bedroom. The next thing she does is new, normally doesn’t say anything when she cries but then she says something.
“Dada.” She sobs softly and holds her arms out to him. Joel is discarding everything he had in his arms and is now on the floor with her, holding her in his lap.
“I’m sorry, lil Worm.” He coos to her softly. “Dad’s here. I got you.” He whispers into her messy curls. Nora is sniffling softly and playing with the buttons on Joel’s coat now. When he looks up you’re standing in the doorway, looking at him with disappointment all over your face.
“You can’t say no to any of us!! Me! Ellie!! Now her!!” You exclaim. “You’re supposed to be a hard-ass, no shit taking, scowling ass! Our kids are supposed to be scared of you!!” You look exasperated. “They’re gonna walk all over us.” You roll your eyes. Joel chuckles.
“Did you respect your dad?” Joel leans back and lets Nora pull his facial hair even though it kinda hurts.
“Fuck no.” You scoff softly.
“So… I’m not scarin’ my kids.” Joel shrugs. “They’ll respect us for bein’ good to ‘em…n’ they won’t wanna walk all over us.”Joel shrugs again, it doesn’t make sense to you, maybe, but he was a dad before you even thought about a baby so, he knows what he’s talking about. Hopefully.
“Okay. But you just gave into her so easily.” You point at Nora who is now trying to crawl into the neck hole of Joel’s shirt but her head is too big.
“She bitin’ me?” Joel asks with one raised eyebrow. Joel watches you look between him and Nora and your body stiffens because he’s right and you don’t like it. Even though he knows you love that he is a nice dad. A good dad. You just hate being wrong.
“Whatever. Have fun.” You storm off back into the kitchen and leave Joel cackling in the bedroom, on the floor with Nora who starts to laugh at him laughing— even though she has no idea what is funny. Joel hears your padded footsteps—quickly– rush back towards the bedroom. “She laughin’ at me too? Yer’kidding?” You look betrayed and heartbroken.
Joel loves you.
Bird’s POV
Dinner was so nice and this is so much fun. You’re going to do this all the time. Have Ken and Patti over for dinner— they’re hitting it off so nicely. Maybe, a little… to nicely… You’re sitting on the couch next to Joel and Patti and Ken are talking to each other. Very nicely. You have your fingers clutching Joel’s shirt hem beside you, he is watching what is unfolding in front of both of your eyes…the same as you.
“So you were goin’ t’school to be a therapist?” Ken sounds so fucking interested in Patti and her whole life. He has looked away from her…maybe twice since you guys sat down to have drinks after dinner. The conversation then was very fun, focused around the four of you. Now…this is Patti’s time to shine.
“Psychology, yeah. I wanted to focus on rehabilitation—drugs and alcohol.” Patti is smiling like you’ve never seen her smile. Not even when she had been talking about Don earlier. “I changed my focus to women’s health– mental health. Domestic abuse, motherhood, all that stuff. Women are interesting creatures, their make up and all.” Your eyes flick between the two of them as they speak like you’re watching a tennis match.
“Women sure are interestin’ creatures. Y’can say that again.” Ken is nodding his head at Patti who looks like she might be blushing. “Don’t blame you for wantin’ to focus on ‘em at all.” He teases and pours a little more whiskey into Patti’s glass and she seems so thankful for that. She giggles— Patti fucking giggles and gracious accepts. You turn your head to look at Joel. He’s just as focused on all of this as you are. He sees what’s happening. Watching it all right now.
“Where did you live before the outbreak?” Ken asks, enamored with whatever Patti says. Hasn’t missed an opportunity to compliment, smirk, wink, ask questions about or even look Patti’s way since she walked through the door.
“Maine.” She smiles softly and sips her whiskey on ice. “You?”
“Alabama.” Ken nods at her and sips his own drink. “Ever married? I was— lost her in the outbreak.” Ken adds this lil bit of info— you think, to make Patti feel more comfortable sharing.
“I was. I lost my two children and grandson as well.” Patti sounds less happy to tell Ken this than she had been to tell him anything else, but that’s understandable.
“What!?” Ken exclaims and all three of you flinch because it’s so unexpected but then he’s inching himself closer to Patti on the edge of his seat. “You wouldnt’a been old enough to have a grandson before the outbreak.” Ken is flirting but he also sounds like he doesn’t believe her. Patti really blushes.
“I sure was.” Patti nods and you know that even though her kids and grandson aren’t around anymore… she is still proud of them and happy to talk about them when she can. Remember them in a good day. “Did you have any kids?” Patti asks and now you want to die. You don’t wanna hear this whole story again!! You also want Patti to get fucking laid and this sad ass shit is just gonna dry her right up!!!!
“Eh, never got the chance. I married late in life n’ then the outbreak happened.” Ken shrugs his shoulders. You almost ask him what the fuck he is talking about…but you know what he’s doing.
Keeping her nice n’ slick for later. And then he’ll make her cry with his sad fucking story. Jesus.
“You said you were in the military? Is that why you married so late?” Patti sounds just as interested in Ken– she should be, he’s handsome.
“I was. I was a career military man. Joined when I turned seventeen and was in until a month after the outbreak.” Ken nods his head. “Joined for all them benefits they give ya…well I never got one.” Ken smirks at Patti. “Where is the damn VA when ya need ‘em?” Ken smirks and leans into Patti a couple inches– just to be close to her. You’re melting beside Joel. Your husband wraps his arm around your shoulders and pulls you into his side.
“Our daughter wanted to be in the airforce when she was little. Talked about it her whole life as soon as she was old enough to join, she chickened out and went to school business administration.” Patti chuckles and sips her drink. “We went to so many airshows when she was a child.” Patti smiles fondly on the memories.
It’s getting late and now…it’s time for them to leave. You and Joel are standing at the front door watching them say goodbye to each other after you and Joel said your goodbyes to them.
“It was very nice meeting you.” Patti is smiling up at Ken who is a good foot taller than her– he towers over her and makes her look so small. You wonder if she likes that. It’s adorable.
“Yer’ talkin’ like I ain’t gon’ see you again.” Ken is smiling right back down at your therapist like she’s just the cutest thing he’s ever seen.
“We live in the same military base…you’ll see me around.” Patti fucking flirts with Ken and bats her god damn eyelashes at the man.
“Can I walk you back to your place?” Ken asks softly.
“We hope you guys had a good time. Thanks fer’ comin’,” Joel shuts the door on them and now you’re whacking him on the arm lightly over and over again as he tries to defend himself, walking backwards into the living room.
“I wanted to watch!!” You gives him a barrage of gentle whacks and love taps all over his arm and chest and he’s smirking and laughing– trying to grab your hands with his.
“Hey!” Joel exclaims quietly when he can’t grab your wrists because you’re moving too fast. You do not stop, now you start to tickle his sides and Joel jerks back away from you like you actually hurt him. His eyes narrow and he scowls at you. “Knock that shit off.” He growls. You shake your head and stick your tongue out at him. Pushing forward with your innocent and playful attack.
“Make me.” You instigate and pull your hands away when he tries to grab for them. Joel is trying so hard to not laugh and also catch you by the wrists to get you to stop.
“Yer’ not gon’ like what I do when I getchya.” Joel reaches for your sides to try and tickle you but you push his hands away while still trying to get him.
“You do not scare me—”
Joel barrels into you softly and wraps his arms around your waist.
“I should. Ya should be scared of me.” Joel lifts you up and carries you into the bedroom. “Should be real fuckin’ scared.” Joel is growling as he shuts the door behind you two.
“Oh yeah? Why?” You’re entertained by this and him and his ability to lift ya like that. Sonofabitch.
“I’ll fuckin’ dehydrate ya again.” Joel teases and tosses you onto the bed. “Spank ya ‘cause you never got a good one on the road or ever again, really.” Joel shrugs his shoulders.
“What? You wanna put me on my hands and knees and spank—” You ask curiously because you don’t mind spankings.
“No.” Joel shakes his head and runs his fingers through his hair.
“Explain?” You urge him as he stares at you.
“I’d put you over my knee. Like the naughty lil girl you are.” Joel sighs as he looks down on the bed.
“Gonna give me a preview?” You tease him but he shakes his head.
“S’the real thing or nothin’ at all, lil Birdie-girl.”
“Is this like a sub thing you were talking about earlier?” You smirk up at him and Joel’s eyes flash mischievously.
“Wanna play?” He grins.
“Is it a real game? I don’t get it.” You snort up at him and he lays down beside you on the bed.
“Naw, it ain’t a game.” Joel leans in and kisses your chin softly. “Shiiit, it could be for us.” He smirks and runs his hand down your side.
“What do I have to do?” You grin up at him and bat your eyelashes.
“I dunno. Never done it before.” He whispers. “I’m clueless ‘bout all this.” He admits to you sadly but with a smirk still on his face. “I don’t wanna be mean t’ya though.” Joel whispers after he kisses you softly.
“What do you want?” You’re still looking at him through your lashes as your hand touches his broad chest, sliding down to his stomach.
“I wanna tie y’up. Spank ya. Steal all yer’ senses.” Joel quickly puts his hand over your eyes and leans in, whispering into your ear. “I want you to submit to me…really. Let me do whatever I want.” His breath gives you the chills.
“You won’t..hurt me, right?” You look up at him tentatively. He shakes his head no and furrows his brows.
“I only like t’give you good pain. Spankin’s, hair pullin’. Push yer’ cheek into a brick wall while I fuck you from behind.” He smirks down at you. “Nothin’ to really hurt you. I’d stay away from your ass— with my dick. My mouth n’ fingers… I can’t make any promises.” He holds hands up. You smirk.
“You really wanna do all that?” You give him a questioning look.
“I wanna do everything with you, lil girl.”
“You wanna tie me up right now—”
Joel does not let you finish. Not at all. He’s off the bed and pulling his belt out of his pants.
“Stand up.” He orders and you’re following his directions with goosebumps on your skin because is he going to whip you with the belt? That…is going to hurt? Joel undresses you for him. He isn’t taking his time, or drawing this out at all. He has been wanting to do this, apparently. Thinking about it as he moves himself behind you and walks you to the bed so you’re facing it.
You roll your eyes as he kisses along your shoulder. He snickers against your skin and pushes his kneecap into the back of yours. He makes you almost collapse in front of him, but you just kneel on the bed and Joel pushes you forward a little. He’s being so aggressive— not the worst thing. A little reminiscent of the old abandoned cabin in the woods when he’d just lead you right upstairs and pull your pants down. When there was no time for fun or any extra activities. Now there is nothing but time.
You’re now on your stomach on the bed, Joel is using his belt to tie your hands behind your back. He’s got you strapped in tight and has a little extra belt left over to hold onto.
“You ready?” Joel asks once he’s finally got your wrists bound.
“Sure am.” You chirp back to him excitedly. Joel chuckles and brings his hand down onto your ass gently. You sigh softly and close your eyes.
“You want me to gag you a lil?” Joel sounds excited too. “Nothin’ crazy…just a pair of yer’ panties like old times?” Joel doesn’t let you respond before he grab the panties you had worn after your shower– during dinner and drinks– off the floor from your pile of clothes. “Open up, baby girl.” Joel coos to you. You obey– like a good submissive would, you dunno– and let him shove the fabric between your lips and into your mouth. Nothing offensive. It’s fine. Normal to you.
Joel pulls back on the belt a little and nudges your knees so you pull them underneath you. Now, your chest is pressed tightly to the mattress and your ass is up in the air, completely exposed to your husband. He gives you another good swat on the ass and then starts to rub the sting out for you. His fingers move to your slit and inspect your wetness and he’s pleasantly surprised.
“Gettin’ tied up got you all slicked up fer’ me?” Joel pushes two fingers into your pussy and feels how slippery he made you while he was tying you up. You’re so excited. You don’t have to think about anything– just getting fucked. You nod and hum around your panties. Joel pulls his fingers from you and swats your ass again. You can feel where he left your wetness from his fingers on your ass cheek. He doesn’t rub the sting out of this one, he leaves you to think about it and deal with it— it’s not bad— all alone while he pushes the tip of his cock between your velvet. He’s ten million degrees and makes you sigh softly.
“Now… if ya don’t like it— end up hating this… give me a good donkey kick right in the leg n’ I’ll stop. No matter what, alright?” Joel pulls back on the belt and he pulls your chest off the mattress a little. Not…awful. It’s not wonderful, a little uncomfortable on the shoulders but nothing you can’t handle. You’ve had a gush contest before. Almost died twice and fell off a water tower. You can handle some tight shoulders.
You’re full. So full and it’s so good. Hips and the front if his thighs are pressed tightly to your ass and the backs of your legs. Joel holds himself inside of you like that as he adjusts his grip on the belt. Once he got it nice and tight in his grip, he gives your ass a sharp spanking that makes you cry out around the panties. That fuckin’ stung and make your eyes water a little.
“Hate it?” Joel asks carefully, his palm and fingers rub the sting out of this one for so long. You didn’t hate it. No. You…liked it. You’re ashamed to admit it, but you do. You want him to do it again. You shake your head no and close your eyes, knowing he is going to give you another one without even having to watch. He does. It’s loud. It feels like it makes you go deaf. It is red hot, searing pain in your flesh and you sob softly because that did fucking hurt! His hand soothes the sting and he starts to thrust his hips slowly.
The thick, deep ridge around the head of his cock grates across your g-spot and numbs all that bad pain and fills you with good, warm bliss. You sigh happily and relax as he slams himself back into you. That’s a new sound, your skin smacking together– not just you being spanked. Joel groans softly and pulls back a little harder on the belt. In doing so, he pulls your entire body back against him, he has to lean his upper body back to do that. His hips are angled slightly upwards and you’re just being pulled back against him every time he drives himself forward. He is deep, so fucking deep inside of you and you can hold on to nothing. Can clench nothing but your walls and your eyes as he hammers into you like this.
“Holy fuck.” Joel gasps quietly, his hand coming down again hard on your ass, like the first two but this one doesn’t hurt nearly as much because you can almost feel nothing besides Joel inside of you. The tip if him is kissing your cervix with every thrust and making you squeak quietly each time. He chuckles at you while still fucking you assertively. “Awhh, babygirl gettin’ fucked real good? Can’t handle it? Want me to stop?” Joel asks while still jolting you forwards with each plunge into you and pulling you back into him each time he pulls away.
All you can do is squeak, shake your head no and let those big, hot tears roll down your cheeks because its just so fucking good. So god damn good the way Joel just takes control. Takes all the worry out of your brain and just makes you feel the most incredible you’ve ever felt. You barely feel the new spanking. It’s hard, loud and a new pain on your ass but almost nothing. You feel too good to even care if it actually hurts. You’re not worried about it.
“Good. I don’ wanna fuckin’ stop. S’fucking good. Got damn.” Joel sighs softly as he pushes into you, holds himself there and starts to gyrate his hips against yours. While he does this he gives you short, shallow thrusts. Fast ones– like a fucking jackhammer. Your head is spinning. Joel snorts behind you and while you’re wondering what’s so fucking funny, he tells you. “Almost told you t’touch yourself.” Joel snickers at himself like hes a fucking comedian.
You can only groan and keep your eyes clenched shut as he pummels into you, almost like he’s angry with you— but you know that he is not. The sounds he’s making behind you tell you that he is not mad at all. He is having the best time.
“Fuuuck, Bird. S’fucking tight. Shit.” He is groaning and his thrusts are a little less timed and more sloppy. “Moan if ya want me to come deep inside you, lil girl.” Joel groans softly as he gives your ass another hard, hot fiery smack. You yelp through the fabric in your mouth but relax a little as his hand massages the fat of your ass. “Such a good girl.” He coos breathily. “You want it?” He’s moaning softly and now his fingertips are biting into the flesh of your ass and it feels so good. Everything he is doing feels so fucking good but you’re not there yet, so you don’t moan. You need him to make you come or this is pointless. How has he not noticed!!??
His most favorite surprise feature on you!!
“No.” You whine out around the panties. Joel stops thrusting and holds himself against you and sighs like he’s frustrated.
“S’wrong?” He asks nervously. You look back at him over your shoulder and the man is glistening in sweat. It’s dripping down his neck and the middle of his chest. He runs one hand through his hair as he looks at you, waiting for an answer. You cannot talk, not really. He pulls the panties from your mouth– you start speaking frantically before he even reamoves them all the way.
“--didn’t come. I didn’t come yet. Don’t finish yet.” You’re pleading with him desperately and you make him smirk and sigh softly. He discards your underwear on the floor. You go to turn and face forward but he whistles at you sharply. You snap your head back at him and he’s still staring at you.
“Did I say y’could look away from me?” Joel growls softly and smacks your ass again, this time on the other cheek and not as hard. “Say yer’ sorry.” He hisses with a smirk on his face. “N’then ask Daddy fer’ another– real nice, ask me to spank you again.” Joel has fire in his eyes and a naughty grin on his face. Your stomach flutters and you look back up at him through your lashes. You’ll play along because…fuck, he’s so hot.
“I’m so sorry , Daddy. Please don’t be mad at me.” You pout softly and feign sad innocence in your eyes. Joel looks like he’s stopped breathing as he runs his tongue along his lower lip, still sweating. “Do you think I could please have one more? I love when you spank me, old man .” You purr to him, smirking. Joel raises his eyebrows like you just astounded him into silence because he doesn’t say anything– doesn’t move at all. Just stares at you with those smoldering brown eyes.
Joel still doesn’t say anything as he raises his hand behind his head. He holds it back there for a second, his chest rising and falling noticeably. When he does talk, it’s so quiet you barely hear him.
“Ask n’ call me that again…” His voice is rumbling and low. A little intimidating and you’re unsure if that’s a threat or a request. You swallow hard and take the plunge.
“C-Can I please have one m-more good, hard spankin’....” You pause, making sure he’s really listening. He’s trembling as he waits for more. “...old man.” You draw these words slowly and almost barely spoken. Your tongue doesn’t even have time to form the ‘n’ sound on the word ‘man’ before he brings his hand down on you hard– then hardest one yet and it has you seeing stars but… not in a terrible way. The sting and the heat radiate from the very clear and visible hand print you know you’re going to be left with.
“Fuckin’ love that.” Joel snorts softly and starts hammering into you again. The pain in your ass fat is quickly forgotten about. Almost completely as you feel a warm, wet digit against your second, tighter hole. “You like callin’ me that?” Joel growls down to you as he teases your unused opening.
“Yes, fuck yes. I love it.” You’re crying out as he increases the speed of his thrusts, he’s desperate for release and so are you. He want’s to bring you there. He lets up on the belt a little and your chest touches the bed and now, the letting go feeling is right there as he angles his hips differently. He’s abandoned your asshole, opting now to just grip onto the globe, squeezing tightly as he bite his bottom lip and groans loudly.
“Ya there yet, Bird?” The words come out of him strained, almost like he’s in pain right now. You nod, with no words. Just loud, uncontrollable moans. You let go, you can’t stop it. Never want to. Never will stop it for him. He fucking works for this.
There is almost no sound around you when you come, it’s just white lights and blinding pleasure coursing through you as he works the tip and partial length of his stiff cock up against your g-spot over and over, even through your gushing and your clenching. You’re coaxing his orgasm out of him by doing that. He lets out a filthy moan, deep from in his throat when he does come. He continues to thrust and fuck you through his orgasm until it’s too much for him, too sensitive. He hilts himself into you, pushing you completely into the bed, mashing you into it.
“Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Fuuuuck, Biiirdie.” He barks and groans quietly as he empties himself into you. It’s fucking powerful and makes him twitch and jerk behind you. He keeps himself pressed into you deeply and tightly but continues to push your body forward as he just tries to fuck himself deeper into your cunt somehow. He has no more inches left. He’s pressed to you as tightly as he can get— you have no pussy left!! There’s no more room for him to go further into. You’re squeaking now when he does this, just pushing your hips forward with his. It feels like he’s trying to follow you as he pushes you away. He’s panting, the belt completely forgotten about and both hands are gripping and groping your ass cheeks. Pulling them apart to— you dunno? Get a better look? Who knows. Why does he wanna look at it so bad?
You’re dead. Satan officially took you from this earth because there is no way you survived that. It wasn’t even a gushing contest!! It definitely lasted longer than five minutes. You’re gasping for air, trying so hard to take more into your lungs because you forgot how to breathe during that last minute or two of getting fucked. Just moaning. That’s all your body knew what to do… that and gushing .
Joel holds his cock inside of you, but undoes the belt from around your wrists and frees you. Your arms are numb. Asleep. You cannot move them or do anything with them — at least not comfortably. You try to push yourself up off your chest and onto your elbows so you can get some fresh air, real air and not mattress air. You get, maybe an inch off the bed and that is a struggle.
“Ya ok?” Joel sounds hesitant to ask in between his own breathless panting.
“Yes.” You snap at him, even though you don’t mean to. You just can’t feel your arms and your cervix wants to divorce him. “Ya go real deep— too deep!” You do mean to snap at him.
“Aw, I’m sorry.” Joel sounds genuinely ashamed of himself for making you have to snap at him. “I won’t do it anymore. Yer’ squeakin’s real cute though. I ain’t tryin’ t’really hurt you though. Why didn’t y’give me a kick?” He tilts his head to the side softly. You’re looking at him over your shoulder. His cock is still inside of you, but it’s soft. He’s just holding it there. Keeping his spot warm or something. You dunno why he does half the things he does.
“I dunno. It…doesn’t hurt. Just a lot! Sometimes too much!! Joltin’ me each time.” You snap, but it’s softer and a lil confused because you don’t know why you’re so mad. It’s incredible and your ‘spot’ as Joel calls it, aka, your cervix will be fine– she doesn’t know any divorce lawyers, so she’ll stay married to your husband just like you will.
“I’ll soften up a lil on it. Don’t wanna jolt ya .” Joel teases you softly and as his cock slips from within you on his own, he leans over you and kisses your spine once. “Yer fuckin great. Thanks fer’ tryin’ that with me.” He grins as he lays down next to you.
“You’re so welcome. You’re going to have to pick Nora up for the next three days.” You joke, but your shoulders do hurt, so you dunno if you’ll do that again. Maybe.
“Whatever you want, baby girl. Shiiit , I’ld let you tie me up if you wanted.”
Notes:
^*swallows hard* I know it's not from TLOU...but I mean... are you really mad? 'Cause just think about YOUR HUSBAND rippin' his damn shirt off like that for YOU. I have to go do something real quick.
*** Okay, I know this feels a lil 50 shades of grey...but I promise it's not going to be that!!!!!! These two idiots have literally no experience with BDSM and really, don't even know what it is. I do. I know. I'm not uneducated, ok? So, no one come for me like I dunno what a Dom/sub relationship looks like. I do. THEY don't. They're dumb goobers and idiots and just two fools in love who wanna explore!!! THAT'S ALL JOEL WANTED IN THE BEGINNING WAS TO EXPLORE!!!!!!!*** (it's me, i wanna explore bdsm smut) but no, this was purely for smut and not the plot...but Joel said some questionable ass shit in the beginning and acted real weird and this was WHY!! Okay. I'm gonna shut the fuck up.
Chapter 42: Stupid
Notes:
TRIGGER WARNING
Hey, so I'm a dumb fucking bitch. I didn't plan for there to be any cock sucking trigger warnings on this stupid fucking chapter but there are. And I'm upset about it because I got fucking triggered writing it. So. I'm annoyed with myself. I honestly thought about just rewriting it but I already cried about it, so. I might as well just post it.
Nothing bad happens. Nothing at all. You're going to read this and some of you are going to be like what? Trigger warning where? But some of you are going to get this and possibly understand why it triggered me. It's so fucking dumb. Fuck. Whatever. I can't really tell you what happens or what the trigger waning is for. It's nothing graphic, no one is assaulted. No one dies(important or small) No blood and guts. Nothing. So. I am really, really sorry to whoever the last part of this chapter touches because... it just sucks. Real bad. And I'm sorry if anyone is upset about it, or gets triggered the way I did. But this was a part of the plan. I knew this was going to happen--- I just did not expect to need a drink after. I also... just... couldn't re-read it to edit it. So...it is what it is. I'm never reading this chapter again.
Again. Nothing bad. It's really...absolutely nothing. It's a happy ending of this chapter if you look at it outwardly. So. Please no one hate me, I already hate myself so. Love you guys!
--SB
stupid- me (the author, slimybeth)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Your POV
The rest of the colony gets here and… like forty or fifty extra people. You and Ken spot them from far away coming in.
“S’way more than the original bunch…” Ken seems suspicious. “I don’ like it. I’m gon’ get Joel, go check all those sonsabitches out. Make sure it ain’t none of them raiders that got us at the hospital.” Ken takes off towards the stables and grabs two horses, jumps on one and leads the other towards the tree line where Joel and several other men are still working. Your eyes flash from between Ken and Joel talking half a mile away.
You see Joel looking between Ken and the group of people coming in. The issue wasn’t that there were more people…no, you had plenty of room to house those in need because you're a good group of people. But y’all have been scorned before. Joel gets on the back of his horse and they take off towards the traveling mass of people. They’re out there– with everyone stopped for over an hour. Maria comes out and stands beside you with her own gun strapped to her chest. You look over to her.
“Tomas with Patti?” You make casual conversation as you wait for the guys to come back. Maria and you are good. She's been dropping Tomas off at Patti's during the week. Tommy is going to be back on patrol soon-- so Patti and Tomas Jr are socializing.
“Yeah. Thanks for recommending her. She is great with him. Him and Nora get to see each other a lot more now too.” Maria nods her head but keeps her eyes on the group of people out there. “That’s a lot more fucking people than we sent to travel on horseback.”Her jaw clenches.
“Yeaaaah. Sure is.” You aren’t ready for this. Nope. If you guys got attacked before the wall even went up? Shit. Joel and Ken do not seem to be unhappy about anything. They’re not shooting anyone…yet. So that’s a good sign. “How’s Tommy healing up at the apartment?” You don’t look back at her this time. Joel and Ken are bringing everyone back.
“Shit– I’m ready for his ass to be up again. He’s fuckin’ pissin’ me off with all his stupid ass requests.” Maria rolls her eyes and sighs loudly. “It’s fine. I love him. He’s annoying as hell though.” She shakes her head. You can’t hold back the chuckle.
“I can see it. Seems like he’s the dramatic one.” You tease. Maria snorts.
“I can’t see Joel complaining about a damn thing—” She starts but you can’t help but cut her off.
“He doesn’t. He got stabbed on the way to Salt Lake and I don’t think I heard him…even cry? Or groan? I don’t know. He didn’t complain about it one time afterwards though. I forget it even happened until I see his scar.” You raise your eyebrows. “Got it…” Oh… Joel almost died protecting you. You do forget that all the time…because then you had to turn around and protect him from almost dying…protecting you. “Oh fuck.” You sigh softly.
You never once said thanks for that? You’re not sure. You had been so fucking worried about Ellie’s dumbass that… you may have forgotten? Oh. Oh noooo. The first thing…. The very first thing that he ever did for you really…ignored– by you. No. Oh no. Shit.
“What? What’s wrong?” Maria sounds nervous and now you feel worse.
“Nothing. I’m just the fucking worst.” You shake your head. “Joel just… you know, almost died for me on the road and I never, ever thanked him for that. N’that’s all he ever does. Is thank me for almost dying for this family, thanks me almost every day. So, I’m a terrible wife.”
“I.. wouldn’t worry about it, girl.” Maria is chuckling. “I don’t think he secretly hates you for that.” Maria nudges your arm with her elbow gently.
“What if he does though?” You do look over at her now but she isn’t even entertaining this.
“Get outta your head, bitch– the fuck? That man…adores you and your family. I think you’d have to actually– I dunno…maybe shoot him to make him even be mad at you.” Maria is chuckling but also sounds slightly annoyed. “Only time he was mad at you was when he came to fight Tommy that one time– do you remember that? Those fuckin’ assholes.”
“I do. My husband is the asshole. I’m sorry he came to your house that night to be mean to you and then beat up your husband.” You chuckle back to her.
“We kinda deserved it.” Maria sighs sadly. “He tell you about it?”
“Yeah, told me a couple days later. It’s shitty for everyone… I mean, Tommy didn’t know– couldn’t tell you about it.” You shrug your shoulders. “I get where you were coming from. Lookin’ out for me. I appreciate it.” You nod. “He shouldn’t have done what he did…but I get where he comes from too– goes to his brother for support n’-”
“Ends up getting shit on,” Maria sighs again. “Yeah, we were assholes– but you’re right… we didn’t know. Still shouldn’t have done that. I feel bad. I aplogize every time I see him.” Maria admits to you, but you knew this. Joel tells you things. Doesn’t keep stuff from you.
“He appreciates it. He’s just got a mean face.” You explain to Maria. “Sometimes…a mean mouth but he’s a good guy— might not have been once when things were going to shit, but were any of us?” You look up at Maria who is nodding her head at you.
“Tommy says the same thing. We all survived… we all know what that means.” Maria and you watch the group get closer to the base and now you’re tingling with nerves. “You think this is a good idea?” She asks you softly.
“Eh. I don’t know if there are many of those left around much these days…” You sigh nervously. “Just get ready to blast ‘em to shit if anything funny happens.” You’re so tired. You just wanna nap. Your shoulders still hurt from a week ago.
Joel breaks away from everyone else, riding the you and Maria quickly to fill you in on the situation behind him. He looks… not displeased so that’s a good thing, but he doesn’t look very happy about it all.
“What’s goin’ on, Hon?” You ask, needing the answer but not really wanting one. You and Joel were supposed to take Ellie into town in a couple of days… but all those new people here at the base are making you uneasy about leaving Nora here with just Patti. You also cannot tell Ellie you can’t take her anymore. She will be pissed and hurt and probably try to run away again. She could, ain’t no fuckin’ wall to stop her!! Joel sighs loudly and looks down at you from the back of his horse.
“Colonists. Been traveling for a while they said. Came from New Mexico.” Joel explains with a roll of his eyes.
“Don’t believe ‘em?” You give him worried eyes but he shrugs his shoulders.
“Ken doesn’t recognize any of ‘em. They’ve been traveling with Gary for almost a week. They got a bunch of kids and teens with ‘em. Don’t think they’re raiders. Think they’re just like us.” Joel explains.
“How many kids?” Maria asks, looking back at the group which is well over a mile away still.
“Looked like fifteen under ten and another fifteen between ten and eighteen.” Joel shakes his head. “They said they got bombed in New Mexico…just like us.” Joel shakes his head.
“So…we weren’t purposefully targeted?” You look up at him feeling a little better about it, knowing the raiders were attacking everyone and not just your group. That would have felt terrible. You’re feeling a little more at ease until Joel speaks again.
“Nah, I don’t think so. That’s not even all of them. They’re another eighty comin’ a couple miles back. They got a couple babies and elders with ‘em. I’m gonna grab Lucas, Jeff and Daniel. We’re gonna go escort the rest of them up here, scope ‘em out.” Joel leans down as far as he can to give you a kiss, but can only reach the very top of your forehead– no matter how hard you try to reach his lips with yours. “I’ll be back. Make sure Nora, Tomas and Ellie are all put away for a while.
“Tomas and Nora are with Patti.” Maria explains. Joel chuckles.
“From what Don says… she’ll fuckin’ keep ‘em safe.” Joel shakes his head softly like he might be impressed with Patti and her abilities.
“Yeah. I’m not super worried. Those little apartments are basically impenetrable once the door is shut. You’d need a fucking tank to get in there.” You nod thinking about how safe your new little home was. And how crowded it was about to become.
Joel takes off and you and Maria keep patrolling as the crowd of people gets bigger and bigger as they get closer. Joel didn’t mention that these people…we’re almost starving to death and some of them were on the verge of collapsing from not having had any water or rest for days. You and Maria immediately get to work. Bringing people who have no shoes into the bunker to clean their wounds.
Jody, the woman who gave you the playpen also springs into action and grabs rations from the communal kitchen and starts to pass them out to the people who are now gathering in the big, open garage of the underground bunker. They look fuuucked up. Poor guys. Joel was right. There were like eighty more bringing up the rear. They were in worse condition than the first wave of people.
You, Maria and Jodi spend the rest of the night playing nurse with a couple men and women from this new group who we’re not about to pass away from literal exhaustion.
Ken and Joel enter the garage and take in what the fuck is happening. How many new people just joined. It was half your group…half their group. A mix of the two. It almost felt like the old colony again, just underground and with strangers. You watch the two men talk and smile, glad they’re getting along and Joel doesn’t think you’re having an affair.
Joel’s POV
Well shit. Fuck. This isn’t the worst thing. Not the best. Not the worst. This group had more women and children than strong, well bodied men. They did come with more horses, crop seeds– a shit ton of them- and almost no guns. None of them had guns. Joel counted…maybe seven in the entire group and wondered how they had stayed alive for so long.
“Think this is a good idea, boss?” Ken speaks to Joel like he is the boss. Joel chuckles because that’s Tommy’s fucking job… he thinks. Tommy has been healing and not really involved. Tommy didn’t even really want the job in the first place. Shit. Joel might be the boss. Shit. Fuck. Ok. That’s fine, things won’t get fucked up if Joel is the boss, so…maybe this is a good thing.
“Dunno. They don’t look dangerous.” Joel shrugs his shoulders. “But neither did them raiders from Seattle who fuckin’ snuck in and took stock of all we had.” Joel nods his head and looks at all these new people who he cannot trust. Fuck. His daughters and nephew live here. His wife and brother. His annoying ass sister in law. Ken and Patti and Don. Shit. Fuck. “Might not be.”
“Wanna start movin’ ‘em out? Tell ‘em they can’t stay?” Ken has no qualms about this, Joel thinks. He doesn’t sound too broken up about it. Doesn’t sound like he is having any second thoughts about it either. “They got a couple months to find new digs. They could have the old colony.” Ken suggests. “We left in good condition.”
“Kinda need man power.” Joel sighs. “We could get that wall up in half the time with the guys they have.” Joel is so torn.
“True.” Ken doesn’t offer much to help. “Issa lot of them…” Ken is being no help, actually because Joel can see that.
Joel does like watching you running around to help. Thinks it’s cute. Sweet. Nice. He is not those things. So, he’s gonna just watch because, he doesn’t know these people or nothing.
You, his wife, come running to him with something in your arms and you look…fretful to say the least. There is a little commotion going on from where you just came from. Joel…is nervous. You have tears in your eyes– Joel can see them as you get closer.
“Someone just fucking died.” You sob softly but Joel cannot think about those words. You’re holding a brand new baby. A little one… like a day old. “The m-mom of this b-baby.” The baby is crying so loud in your arms and Joel has no idea what to do as you pass this tiny, crying child off to him and then… leave?
“Uh…” Ken looks down at Joel and offers to take the baby from him. Joel very hastily gets rid of the tiny, crying baby in his arms and rushes to follow where you just ran off to.
“What happened?” Joel is chasing you to the medical center— doesn’t have to try very hard. You cannot run.
“I dunno.” You’re crying and it’s killing Joel. “I dunno. The lady she was traveling with said she gave birth on the fucking r-road yesterday. She kept bleeding n’ they didn’t have a-a-anything out there t-t-to help h-h-her.” You’re starting to hyperventilate and Joel has to put his hands on your shoulders to stop you from moving but you’re trying to push his hands away to keep walking.
“Bird, stop.” He is worried about you. You do not stop.
“I can’t! That baby hasn’t eaten yet, Joel.” You are panicked and for a good reason. Shit. That’s bad. Babies need to eat. Joel knows that. He also knows there are bottles and ration formula in the medical center for this kind of stuff– he’s impressed that you knew just what to do and where to do. “Baby doesn’t fuckin’ have anyone else…” You’re not even talking to Joel anymore, just muttering to yourself.
You grab several bottles and an unnecessary amount of formula, water and run back to the garage the best you can. Joel picks up whatever you drop on the ground behind you as you rush back to the baby. He watches as you check the baby in Ken’s arms to make sure it’s still okay. Then you make it a bottle, take the baby back from your found unknown found father… and feed the baby.
Fuck. You’re gonna wanna keep it. Shit. Shit.
Joel doesn’t even wanna watch anymore because… he likes seeing you with the baby. Fucking loves it, actually. So, he has to leave and go find out who just died. It’s obvious. There are a bunch of people standing around her body. One lady is crying, an older woman. Joel puts a comforting hand on her upper back– even though he doesn’t want to.
“Did y’know her?” Joel asks, needing more information about the orphaned child you-his wife– is going to want to adopt.
“Not well… she was new to the colony before we got attacked.” This older woman explains while she weeps. “She was young– twenty-four I think she said? I dunno.”
“What’s yer’ name?” Joel asks, trying to…be a normal person.
“Jean.” She gives him her name. She’s in her sixties. Dark brown hair, graying– a skinny face with brown eyes. Shorter than Joel by six inches. She seems to be in good shape. Has on oval glasses that have a crack in one of the lenses. “You?”
“Joel.” They shake hands and Joel looks back at you feeding the baby. “Anyone from yer’ group close with her? Wanna take the baby?” He doesn’t really wanna ask…but it’s the right thing to do. Jean shakes her head sadly.
“I don’t think so. She showed up to us a couple months ago all alone– just her and her belly.” Jean explains through sniffles.
“You… weren’t close?” Joel is desperate to find this baby a place to live. He had just gotten over his want and need for another child. You and him just talked about this.
“We were. I’m not raising no kid though. Didn’t do it before the outbreak, won’t do it after.” Jean shakes her head. Joel chuckles.
“Fair enough. S’not easy.” Joel shakes his head now and looks back at you, still holding and rocking the baby gently. “No one else from your group wants to look after that baby?” He looks back to Jean.
“I dunno, maybe. I can ask around but Cate kept to herself for the most part. Her and I didn’t even really get close until we were on the road.” She shrugs her shoulders then looks up at Joel. “Thanks for takin’ us in. Y’all didn’t have to do that– as terrible as it sounds… after what we went through? We wouldn’t have taken y’all in.” She shakes her head. “After the attacks? No. Hard to trust anyone after that.” Her eyes look out onto the sea of people.
“We’re gon’ have t’have a big meetin’ once all yer’ people are settled in. Got some ground rules we’re gon’ have to go over.” Joel explains, once again looking over his shoulder at you and his new apparent child. Shit.
“Oh, of course.” Jean nods her head. “We’re a good group– mean it.” Jean looks up at Joel again. “Just wanna feel safe again. Been a while since any of us rested our head at night and actually… rested.” Jean sounds tired. Joel can hear it in her voice.
“I understand. I do. Travelin’ is…not easy. Not for the faint of heart.” Joel agrees with her.
“No the fuck it isn’t.” Jean sighs. Joel chuckles. “This place is nice. Very nice.” She looks around at the bunker. “You guys gonna have enough room for all of us, though? Lots of families, so…”
“Oh, yeah. The bottom floor and the two above it are all housing. Help yourselves. There are rations and drinking water in each one already. Beds. A radio that don’t work.” Joel offers this as a… he doesn’t know. Maybe a joke?
“Shit. Static’s better than listening to your friends cry at night.” Jean sighs. Joel nods, understanding what she means.
“Hey, Jean,” Joel gets her attention. “Respectfully… if your group does anything funny…” He narrows his eyes on hers. “We’re gon’ look at it as a group effort– A plan.” He nods his head slowly, watching as the Jean reads between the lines without Joel having to explain more. “You got anyone in this group you wanna tell me ‘bout? Anyone who would… I dunno… jeopardize that rest you so desperately need.” Joel doesn’t have to try and be intimidating. He is. Jean is intimidated and he feels kinda bad because she is just a lil older lady. But also… a threat.
“No. We ain’t got no one like that here. All good.” She holds her hands up as if she was saying she is innocent. “Got a couple of stupid teens with us, but they’re harmless– like stealin’ booze so keep your shit locked up if you got it.” She chuckles softly but then stops.
“Got a couple of our own stupid teens.” Joel sighs. “I know y’know where m’coming from. Just tryin’ t’keep my family safe.” Joel once again checks over his shoulder and you’re gone. Nowhere to be found or seen. Ken is gone too. He hopes you two are together.
“Don’t need to explain yourself, Joel. You’re fine. This is your home. Y’all took us in. You have a right. No worries on our end. We’re willing to do whatever you guys need. Daniel was telling us about a wall? We’ll help. We can farm, got a couple builders with us.” Jean explains.
“That’s good.” Joel is twisting his head around looking for you, or at least Ken’s head since he is so tall. Nothing. “I’m uh– ahh– a carpenter.” Joel spits it out when he realizes you are no longer in the garage with everyone else. He is now panicking. “Uh, one of us will get you guys all settled in.” Joel nods at Jean and now is looking for Maria, who is already close by. She sees him and looks frantic.
“That baby?!?” She asks as he gets closer. Joel waves his hand at her.
“Birdie’s got it.” He nods. Maria breathes a sigh of relief. “We gotta get that dead body outta here. Can you find Jeff n’ Jimmy… maybe Jody too; get them all to help these people get into apartments.” Joel explains to Maria while still looking around for you. He has an idea of where you went. “I gotta find Bird, she took off with that baby.”
“You guys takin’ it for the night?” Maria raises her eyebrow and Joel’s blood pressure skyrockets from fear and anxiety suddenly.
“You want it?” Joel asks hastily. Maria shakes her head and gives Joel a shit eating grin.
“I sure don’t. Your wife seemed to want it real bad though.” Maria is chuckling.
“Yer’ gigglin’ like a baby didn’t just lose it’s mom.” Joel snaps. Maria shakes her head and smiles at Joel.
“Found another one real quick.”
“Shut up.” Joel snaps at her. “We just talked about not havin’ another kid. Fuck.” Joel sighs and doesn’t know why he said that to Maria.
Patti’s POV
“What do I do?” You’re whispering and sobbing to Patti with this crying child in your arms…and your almost one year old crying down by your feet. Ken scoops Nora up and tries to soothe her as you try and soothe this…new child?
“Where did it come from?” Patti asks nervously. Ken answers her, but speaks like he is talking to a baby.
“Issa bunch’a new people just came in with the rest of everyone else from Jackson Least a hundred.” Ken explains to Patti, but speaks to Nora in his baby voice. Patti has to try very, very hard to not think it wildly attractive. Ken kissed her the other night after dinner and drinks…and then left. Which Patti is annoyed about.
What do they have to wait for? Be respectful for? It’s the end of the world and she is sixty years old and he is sixty seven… they do not have forever. But…she did like that he respected her enough to not even ask to come inside. Just kissed her very nicely, gently and held her fingers in his. She can’t even think about it because she gets butterflies. She doesn’t understand how she never saw him before. He is tall. Ken is possibly the most tall man she has ever seen and also incredibly handsome for a man who is going to be seventy soon. She is impressed with him and his body. He takes very good care of himself– Patti has to stop looking at him. Right now
Patti turns her attention back to you and your fearful, sad eyes.
“No one from her traveling group wants to care for–?” Patti asks… she carefully pulls the blanket back from the body of the baby. “Him?”
“It’s a boy!?” You exclaim and the child starts to cry harder. You apologize to him over and over again, and rub the very tip of your index finger across the forehead of the child and he settles and hiccups softly.
“It is. You should ask around tomorrow, make sure there isn’t a father–” Patti is offering help but you cut her off, which she hates, but she understands you have a fast moving brain.
“He doesn’t. She was single and alone before she met them. She was new to them.” You’re talking to Patti but still looking at the baby. Who is desperately small. So small. He looks so fragile and maybe even a little premature.
“He might need to be put in an incubator in the medical wing.” Patti offers this because Janelle had to be in a little, clear plastic incubator when she was born three weeks early. “I know there is one there. I walk with the babies down there sometimes during the day. It’s quiet.” Patti doesn’t know why she says this but she is nervous and anxious as well.
Tomas Jr is a new addition and also adorable. He is trouble though, and is getting into the few things Patti has and completely ignores his toys. She goes to grab him from getting into the garbage can and scoops him up before he touches it. He walks fast and better than Nora. He is almost a year older than her. Cute as hell though.
Patti follows you up to the medical wing. Ken walks beside her with Nora in his arms and Patti carries Tomas Jr in hers. She has butterflies again. She doesn’t even know why because he just walking. They’re not even talking or touching. She is blushing though and feels ridiculous! She is a grown– very grown woman!!
Who apparently… looks forty-five. Patti loved you in that moment more than she ever has. Then you called her family and called her Nora’s grandmas which is an honor. A real one. You had a mom once, it’s not like you never knew her– you loved her. And you still let Patti be Nora’s grandma. She has more butterflies but for different reasons. This move— although dark and underground… is maybe bright and hopeful for her?
Ken holds Nora and sways her gently as he watches you turn everything on in the one neonatal room of the medical wing. It does have an incubator. You place the child inside, close the lid. The baby is crying and so are you. Patti comes to comfort you.
“It’ll be okay, sweet girl.” She coos to you softly, rubbing your back between your shoulders very gently.
“W-W-What if it— it isn’t?” You stammer and sob quietly. “I h-have to c-c-clean him up.” You whisper cry and leave the incubators side and rush to the sink in the corner of the room. Patti watches helplessly as you prepare a warm sponge bath for the baby and then look for diapers. “N-None are s-small enough.” You hiccup, pulling out a bunch of different sized diapers. Patti sets Tomas Jr down on the floor and looks up at Ken.
“Can you pleas–” Patti starts but Ken nods his head over to you, puts one hand on her shoulder and nudges her over in your direction. Patti tries to not seem to flustered by the contact and his handsomeness as she checks over her shoulder and sure enough, Ken is walking Tomas Jr out of the room and into the hallway right outside the door so he can still be close by. Patti is infatuated with him. She turns her attention to your panicked figure. “Hey.”
“Hi.” You whimper and look through ore diapers. She places her hands on top of yours and holds them still.
“Calm.” She whispers to you. “You have got this. You got the baby a bottle. Brought it down here. You did that.” She is giving you the affirmations you cannot give yourself right now. “You are a great mother– instinctually. You are, Bird. You keep your babies safe. I know you’re doing your best to keep this one safe too. You are just a mother who is doing her best.” She speaks even though you are sobbing because she knows you need to hear it.
“I can’t see anything bad happen—” You cry to her but Patti shushes you and doesn’t let you finish that terrible sentence. She knows that there is nothing either of you can do if that is the young boy’s fate. She is going to be here for you no matter what. She doesn’t say that though.
“You do not need a real diaper. You can use a cloth and pins— very carefully. Do you want help? I know you didn’t get to do this with Nora.” She whispers quietly, not wanting to upset you further… but it seems to comfort you instead.
“Yeah. I do want help. I’m scared.” You admit to Patti and she pulls you into a gentle and quick hug.
“Me too. It’s okay though.” She whispers and grabs a clean washcloth from the cabinet above the sink. She has pins back at her apartment and she will go get them when she’s done helping you wash the baby.
“What do I do?” You whisper, staring down at the little tiny child.
“Obviously you know to be very gentle. Wipe the boy down where he is dirty–” Patti watches as you lift the boy’s legs very gently and wipe his soiled bottom. “He doesn’t have a rash, so that’s good— he hasn’t been like that for long.” Patti is relieved by this because besides the mess on the child’s rear, he looks relatively clean and well taken care of besides his size. Patti is worried about him not eating for so long– it’s good he took formula though. You finish cleaning and wiping down any other areas that need it.
“What now?” You ask her nervously.
“Do you want to do the cloth diaper and I’ll walk you through it or—” Patti is holding the washcloth to you but you hold your hands up and step back.
“No. You show me first. I dunno how to do that.” Your eyes go wide with fear.
“You act like you didn’t push a baby out of your cooter.” Patti teases you and watches as you smirk and stand next to her. She goes through how to put on a cloth diaper, but she needs her pins. “Can you hold here and I’ll go—”
“You can’t leave!?” You exclaim quietly now that the child is asleep despite being handled to put the diaper on. He is tired.
“I have to get pins…” Patti doesn’t know what you want from her.
“I’ll go get ‘em. Where are they?” You offer.
“Top drawer under the sink in my kitchen. Bring the whole tin.” Patti explains and watches as you take off as fast as you can. Patti rolls her eyes because she would have been faster but she knows you’re nervous.
Patti waits and Ken walks into the room with the two young children both walking beside him at his feet. He holds both of their hands and has to bend down so far to do it. He is so handsome and…cute.
“Sorry ya haven’t seen me much. Been pickin’ up extra patrols and tree duty t’help out.” Ken explains like Patti might have been worrying about it. She had been, but not outwardly.
“You don’t have to be sorry.” She whispers, not wanting to wake the baby boy.
“Y’didn’t wanna see me?” Ken smirks up at her as he walks the kids around the room, hunched over still.
“I didn’t say that.” Patti smirks and has to turn away from him so he doesn’t see her blushing.
“Well, I’m sayin’... I’m sorry for not stoppin’ by t’say hello or nothin’.” Ken pauses and Patti can’t see what he is doing because she refuses to turn around and let him see her flushed cheeks. “Thought I’d see ya out n’ about or something n’ say hello then. Just never seen ya out n’ about.” Ken speaks again even though she still isn’t looking at him.
“I’ve been watching the babies for Bird and Maria.” Patti explains casually. “I’m home or walking around the floors with them during the day. There isn’t much to do here at night now, so I just stay home.” Patti explains why he hasn’t seen her. She hasn’t been avoiding him. Not at all.
“We could find somethin’ t’do…” Ken sounds… genuine. Not devilish. It makes Patti’s heart flutter. “I like movies n’ golf–”
“I loved to golf before the outbreak. I golfed every Sunday with my husband!” Patti does turn around now. “I haven’t hit a golf ball in years.” She chuckles and Ken’s head snaps back to her.
“Our magic girl Birdie said she was gonna find me some. If she was serious… we could hit some golf balls together outside sometime. I’d love that…” Ken tails off as he looks at her. “Love to do it with you.” He adds and Patti’s knees almost give out but she remains calm.
“I would like that. Let’s hope our girl gets them.” She smiles and goes back to looking at the sleeping baby. He is cute and bald and tiny. Pink like babies are. Patti is admiring the baby when she feels Nora brush up against her calves. When she turns around to check on the young girl, Ken is right behind her as well. He’s smirking at her.
“If it means gettin’ t’spend time with you? I’ll go get ‘em myself if Birdie can’t find ‘em.” He’s grinning and Patti thinks he’s a flirt who knows he is handsome but she loves it.
“I found ‘em! No need to go get ‘em yourself.” Your voice rings out in the room and Patti has to hold back an eye roll even though she loves you and is glad you found them and are back to help her pin this diaper shut.
Patti wanted to keep talking to Ken, though.
Your POV
This baby is too fucking small. This might be the smallest baby you’ve ever seen. Holy shit. Ken and Patti went back to whatever they were doing before you ran to her apartment with this new baby. A boy. A little tiny baby boy. Shit. Shit. Shit. You kinda want another baby. Kind of. Not a lot. You were enjoying your baby and Ellie and your husband. This baby is so tiny and has no mom though. Such a small little tiny baby.
“Hey.” Joel’s voice is fucking scary and makes you jump. “Been watchin’ ya for a minute. Yer’ just starin’ at it.” Joel grumbles like he is upset about it. Maybe has another emotion to it but you dunno.
“He’s tiny.” You whisper, not even looking back at Joel.
“Don’t get too attached.” Joel has no emotion when he says this. You’re not sure how to feel about it.
“Why?” You’re curious why he doesn’t want that.
“Found someone from the group who wants him. Young couple. She says she can’t pregnant— been tryin’ for some time now, apparently. I didn’t fuckin’ need to know all that– but yeah. They want him.” Joel explains through more grumbles. You don’t look at him.
“They seem nice?”
“Seem so. They’re all stickin’ ‘round here– so we can keep tabs on him. Make sure they’re bein’ good t’him.” Joel explains softly. “We can’t do this right now, B.” He’s moving closer to you, his voice is getting louder but he speaks kinder. More soft. “We jus’ talk ‘bout all this.” He’s whispering and right behind you.
“I know.” You do know. But you were talking about getting pregnant. “Jus’ kinda wanted a boy.” You whisper softly.
“I know you did. Me too. Sucks, but if it was meant her’ us…that couple wouldnt’a come forward when I asked…” Joel sighs but is calm. Not sad. You are now. It seemed like a burden before you knew you thought you had to take care of it. Now you’re sad.
“Are they gonna come sit with him and do this because I’m not. Not if I don’t get to take him home.” You are angry now, for some reason.
“Yeah, they will. I jus’ didn’t know where you went. Weren’t at home.” Joel explains. “I’ll go get ‘em” Joel gives your waist a soft and gentle squeeze and then he leaves. You don’t even wanna stay here anymore. This sucks and hurts and you wanna go home right now but leaving him all alone feels worse. You’re not crying. This just… is fine. It is what it is. Not meant for you.
Joel comes back fifteen minutes later with the couple. They try to talk to you but you can just smile and nod your head at their questions. They do seem really nice. Excited about having a baby. You’re happy for them and for the baby, still a little sad though.
“Nora having fun with Patti n’ Tomas?” Joel tries to make conversation but you still just cannot talk. You wanna go hold Nora and just give her all your love and then crawl into bed with Ellie. You’re going to do that. Snuggle both your girls in bed, ‘cause you’re lucky to have them. So fucking lucky. Lucky to have Joel. Lucky to not be restricted to having a newborn around for a couple months. A sick one, possibly. You’re still a little sad. Joel explains what’s going on as you take Nora home. You don’t wanna hear that whole thing recounted all over again. You knock on Ellie’s door. You’re crying when she opens it and she pulls you inside.
“What did dad do?” She sounds so mad at him and it makes you chuckle– she is still your little guard dog after all this time.
“He didn’t do nothin’, squeak. I got some good news for you.” You smile at her through your sad tears. She looks at you like you’re crazy.
“Uh…okay?” She is so confused.
“Got some new people comin’ to live here…” You trail off and raise your eyebrows through your soft crying and constant tears. Ellie doesn’t know what the fuck is wrong with you.
“What?” She is still so confused.
“The people from Jackson– the ones on foot– they ran into some new people. A bunch. Like a hundred.” You wipe your eyes with the back of your hand and force yourself to stop crying– stop being sad about a baby that was never yours to begin with. You are excited for Ellie. “So many teenagers.” You exhales loudly and quickly. “So many. Like thirty.” You laugh though your sad excitement.
“What? Really?” She is excited now too.
“Hell yeah. Now you never have to leave.” You try and smile and hug her tight. “Love you, Bug. So much.”
Notes:
^ just him being cute
I hope you guys understand why this might have been a trigger for me. This is just one big dumb chapter. But, I needed it to happen for Birds growth (and hopefully my own) and for Joel's and hers relationship, Ken and Patti and B+P+K all together. But, i'm sorry if I made it a way bigger deal than I needed to. I just...got way more upset about it than I thought I was going to (i thought no sad, so. haha on me) I'm gonna stop talking. I might take one or two days off from this story and get back to posting on thursday or friday for my own mental health!! Love youuuuuuuuu
Chapter 43: Amateurs
Summary:
Don't try to bury me again
Oh no, don't try to bury me again
You'll just fuck it up
You'll only fuck it up
I went down too far, I went straight through Hell and I came back out
On the other side I was purified, I was finally found
Notes:
Hello.
Trigger Warnings
There are...some graphic depictions of torture in this chapter. It's...deserved but, grousome and probably triggering and horrible and just...this is your warning. Triggering, please be careful.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Bird's POV
You cannot sleep that night. You’re not sad, not mad… just awake. You stared at the back of Joel’s head for four hours before you just got up and went to watch Nora sleep for ten minutes. You knew she was your perfect baby meant for you just like Ellie. Neither of them needed their mom preoccupied with another baby. They needed you… to be you. To be there for them. Not sad. Not crying or laying in bed.
Right here.
You go for a walk. Take in the vastness of this bunker. The quiet hum of the generators are constant and comforting. It’s cold down here though, it always feels like you need a sweater or a blanket wrapped around you.
There’s one woman awake and in the entertainment room when you go in there to…just not be in your apartment anymore.
“Oh, hey. I’m sorry – didn’t think anyone would be here. Figured I was the only one up besides the guys outside.” You joke nervously. You’ve never met her before. She’s new. “I’m Birdie Miller. Joel Miller’s wife. He’ll be the one yelling at your group tomorrow…so, sorry about that.” You chuckle. The woman smirks and chuckles as well.
“I’m Bonnie. It’s nice to meet you.” She extends her hand to you but doesn’t get off the couch she’s sitting on. You go to her, shake her hand and she offers you the seat next to her. “I met your husband earlier– looking for someone to take the baby.” She explains. “Nice what you did for him , in the meantime.” She nods.
“Thanks.” You smile but avoid her eyes. Bonnie is a pretty woman, maybe in her late forties or early fifties. She’s got tan skin, Pacific Island tan, and her skin is clear and perfect. Like she’s a painting or something. Her eyes are dark, almost black and she has a few gray wisps in her all black hair. “You all settled in and everything?” You’re curious how comfortable everyone is. She nods.
“We are. My son Jesse is so excited to have his own place. I’m nervous.” She chuckles. “He’s only seventeen and makes stupid choices more than good ones.”
“I’m gonna have a sixteen year old soon and she lives next door to me and my husband. I know your fears. She is also so good at dumb decisions. ” You both chuckle and then she is telling you information you didn’t ask for.
“I was so scared we were going to be stuck out there this winter.” She shakes her head sadly and then looks angry. “We went down to the border, were going to cross into Mexico but it was worse down there– lost my husband down there.” She frowns. “Sometimes men just don’t listen to their wives.” She snorts like…she had told him that was a bad idea and now she lives with that…It’s not funny though. “Being displaced by the fire and then losing so many–”
“My husband said you guys were bombed… I’m sorry. We were too.” You frown and then so does Bonnie, harder than he had been.
“We weren’t bombed … There was a fire in the hotel we had secured.” She shakes her head. “We heard bombs way, way off in the distance and then a fire started on the roof of the hotel. We couldn’t put it out and it spread so fast.” Bonnie is looking at you suspiciously. “Who told him that we were bombed?”
“I dunno… why don’t you tell me a little bit about your group.” You are nervous now. Different stories were never a good thing. It means that one of them was a farce.
“There were…maybe two hundred of us– uh, one hundred and seventy— give or take..” She nods and remembers more specifically. “We lost a couple on the road– more than a couple. We were already low on ammo and man power.. A lot of our men died scouting or fighting before we even had to relocate.” She says sadly.
“Okay.. nothin’ weird about that?” You raise an eyebrow and Bonnie gives you a narrowed eye look.
“We ran into a smaller group… twenty three people–”
“How do you know exactly how many?” You ask curiously.
“I counted to make sure I knew exactly where they were– always.” Bonnie whispers and her eyes scan the room but you are the only ones in here.
“S’wrong with them?” You whisper back.
“Dunno. Bad feelings? The things they talk about… they were taking us up to Seattle–” Bonnie is speaking and you suddenly want to rip your teeth out. Your whole body feels like TV static.
“Why there?” You cut her off and accidentally lean forward, showing interest in what she says.
“They said the rest of their group is up there. They needed more people– their community was dwindling, and we needed a place to go. Then we found your group and…the plans changed.”
“Why?” You stare at her.
“I dunno. I dunno how Joan and Issac became the leaders of all of us… they’re with that smaller group. Always gives me a bad feeling.” She shakes her head. “Only reason we kept them around is because they have so many guns.”
“What?” You ask her flatly. Ken and Joel said they had no guns. Seven–if that. So…where are these guns??
“Oh yeah. They’re the reason the rest of us stayed alive for so long…” Bonnie explains innocently.
“You ever run into a girl and guy… lookin’ for for anyone?” You ask, trying to hide your fear. She squints at you.
“Everyone I run into is looking for family or friends..” She asks like this is the dumbest question she’s ever heard.
“These people don’t know who they’re lookin’ for…but they got a real interesting story on why they’re looking—” You’re explaining and you see a light go off in her eyes.
“You’re talking about those kids with that story about Salt Lake? They’re not here… if that’s what you’re worried about.” Bonnie tilts her head to the side quizzically.
“But you did run into them?” You are sweating and trying not to throw up right now.
“We did run into them … you’re right…they do have a real interesting reason to be lookin’ for those people from that hospital. They know Joan and Issac.” She explains and now…your heart is beating in your rectum.
“You’d be able to point out all of these people? The smaller group?” You ask now with your heart in your asshole. She nods. “Anyone in your original group have a problem or a moral dilemma about us giving them the boot?” You ask nervously. She shakes her head no.
You lead Bonnie back to your apartment and have her sit on the couch while you go try and wake up your husband. He is snoring and being handsome in his sleep and you feel bad for having to wake him up. You gotta… you give Joel a good whack on the shoulder and take a step back.
Joel’s arm shoots out from being tucked close to his side– like a punch and you’re glad you moved.
“What!?” Joel exclaims in that fear of just being woken out of sound sleep.
“I hate waking you up— s’fucking terrifying.” You grumble.
“Then don’t wake me up!” Joel exclaims, resting his head back on his pillow.
“We have fuckin’ trouble .” You poke his shoulder stiffly and he throws the blankets away from his soft and hard body. “Wake up.” You snap at him but he he is out of bed before you tell him to wake up. Joel gets dressed and walks out of the bedroom with sleep still all over his face.
“Who?” Joel points to Bonnie but is looking at you.
“Bonnie. Listen to what she’s gotta say.” You point at her too and go into the kitchen to make coffee. Joel listens so intently.
“How many men?” He asks when she’s done speaking. Joel is fully awake now.
“Nine. The rest are women.” Bonnie nods her head.
“Joan and Issac?” Joel double checks. Bonnie nods her head again. Joel sighs loudly and is silent for a long time before he turns around to look at you.
“What do you need from me?” You get ready for whatever the fuck is about to happen and calm your heart the best you can.
“Nora, Tomas Jr…get them to Patti. Tell Maria and Tommy to meet me here. Ken’s at Patti’s, so…you’ll get Ken down here too.” Then Joel turns back to Bonnie. “Respectfully lady, don’t trust any of you yet, so yer’ comin’ with me while I go get the rest of our guys.” Joel nods at Bonnie.
“I don’t have nothin’ to hide from– been waiting for a moment like this.” Bonnie smiles. “Oh! My son! We can stop and get him, he’s a good shot and is as big as you.” Bonnie motions to Joel.
Maria answers her apartment door looking more annoyed than you’ve ever seen her. You feel so bad for having to wake her up, but also not really. She is glaring at you until she registers the fear on your face then her jaw tightens.
“What now?” She rolls her eyes. “It’s bad?”
“No time to explain. It’s just not good. Gimmie Tomas and just go to my apartment and wait for Joel. Something’s happening.” You whisper to her and she closes her eyes and just opens the door and lets you into her place. She wakes up Tommy and the baby and she gives you TJ and you, Nora and her cousin make your way to Patti’s.
Holy shit. Tomas Jr…needs a stroller or something. He’s like fucking dark matter– where is the weight coming from!? He’s two!? He feels like seven fully grown men in your arms.
“Your mom is so strong.” You groan, limping as fast as you can. He’s literally slipping from your arms as you get to Patti’s and have to kick on the door with your foot as the young boy dangles from between your forearm and chest, his little shirt is all pulled up under his chin and his lil fat baby belly is all out. “I’m…sorry!” You hike him up with your knee and get a better grip on the thousand pound baby as Patti opens the door just a crack.
“Need….Ken….You…Babies.” You huff and puff the words out as Patti rolls her eyes and opens the door. Ken is putting his shirt on as the door opens. Oh. Okay. Now you feel even worse!! This was their first sleepover and you just interrupted the whole thing!? Patti getting her shit rocked!? FUCK. You feel like such an ass.
“Joel’s?” He asks, kissing the top of Patti’s head as you nod at him. “Stay safe, P.” He touches Patti’s side gently, a soft pinch, and is out of sight so fast. So fast it’s annoying. You can never run that fast again.
“Babysitting at this time?” Patti snaps at you. “I was in the middle—” Patti looks so mad.
“I’m really sorry… I hate to do this… I have to go.” You’re panting but not nearly as bad as before. Patti takes Nora and you set TJ down and take off back towards your apartment. There are three people waiting outside now and Joel, Bonnie, Jeff and Daniel are running from the opposite direction that you come from. And unknown boy, you assume Bonnie’s son, Jesse, is with them now.
Joel looks at you and nods towards Ellie’s apartment. “She can do this. We need bodies. Get her up.” Joel motions with his hand now and you give her door a good rasp. She’s up in seconds, rubbing her eyes but looking ready to go.
“What? Where we going?” She still has on just her pajamas.
“Get dressed. Fast. Get your gun and come right back.” You give her simple instructions and she follows. Your gun literally never leaves your hip so, you already have it. Once Ellie is back, and now Lucas has joined along with Ellie’s friend and your tattoo artist, Jimmy.
Joel gives everyone the plan he just came up with.
“There are twenty three of ‘em.” He starts in an even tone. “Bonnie said she knows where all of ‘em are stayin’... so as this big group… we’re real quite like gon’ go around n’ wake ‘em up. We do not let them grab anything. They don’t get that luxury anymore.” Joel nods.
“We’re sure these are the people that bombed us?” Maria asks Joel. “I ain’t got no problem doin’ all this…to the people who did that.” Maria does make a good point but…these people did lie and also know that crazy rouge teenager that wants to seek revenge so…go suck Tommy’s dick Maria, and shut up.
“Don’t fuckin’ matter.” Joel growls “They’re from Seattle. They were bringin’ these guys up there to fight us eventually. Ain’t long ‘fore one of ‘em slips away with one of our horses t’go tell their buddies where we’re set up.” Joel glares at Maria and also makes a good and better point. So get to suckin’, bitch.
The group goes door to door, and then to keep things nice and neat…one armed person walks with two of the unarmed Seattle-ers into the garage and sits them on their knees. You do this until all twenty-three are rounded up in the garage.
“Walk.” Joel nods towards the door that leads to the exit outside. Issac, some blonde guy with a neck tattoo scoffs.
“We got stuff here. We ain’t leavin’.” Issac shakes his head but doesn’t do anything else.
“S’our stuff now.” Ken smiles down at Issac from beside Joel. Issac spits on Ken’s boot. Joel very slowly and gently presses the barrel of his pistol between the eyes of the man on is knees in front of him.
“Could just… do it this way. ” Joel offers an alternative to his first offer with a shrug of his shoulders.
“For what reason?” Issac doesn’t sound scared… not at all. Weird. Like..he knew this might happen or…was prepared for it. You dunno. You’d be shitting your pants if soemone held a gun to your head.
“Where y’all from?” You know Joel isn’t expecting the real answer but, he asks anyway– just to see.
“New Mexico.” Issac is very unembellished.
“Not Seattle? ” You ask curiously. You look down at the man with the neck tattoo. Now that you’re really looking its a name: Kail and there are roses around the cursive word. “What’s in Seattle, Issac?” You whisper.
Issac doesn’t like this, not at all. He turns his head to a quarter of an inch and stares at you– stares you down. You do not look away, not even when he narrows his eyes and pinches his brows together a little.
Joel quickly pulls the pistol away several inches and brings the butt of it down on the bridge of Issac’s nose with a crunching pop.
Inside, your gut churns and you could be sick from that sound and then the sound Issac makes when the pain sets in. He’s screaming, holding his face and there is blood pouring out of his nose. Joel Miller leans over and whispers in his ear.
“Whose fuckin’ wife are you lookin’ at like that? Couldn’t be mine.” He growls and straightens his posture.
“I’m sorry!” Issac sobs in pain as tears run down his face and you have to bite back a smirk even though it is not funny– kinda is.
“You wanna walk outta here… or am I draggin’ you?” Joel asks the entire group, not just Issac. Joan, the woman Joel had talked to earlier, looks up at him.
“Sending us out there with no weapons to defend ourselves? Might as well just shoot us and get it over with.” She rolls her eyes. You look down at her and point your revolver at her. Dunno why, you just do. You hate her for some reason.
“I should. Lying sacks of shit.” You press the barrel to her forehead. “Come into my fuckin’ home…eat food that should have gone into my kids mouths…n’ some of you might be the ones who attacked us back in Jackson. Unbelievable,”
“Jackson? The fuck are you talking about Jackson for..” Joan trails off when your eyes never leave hers. She is looking everywhere but at you. To the left and then to the right, then down to her feet and then to the middle of your forehead. She’s lying. You know she’s lying just like you knew Ava was lying on the sidewalk in front of the school that night.
It’s in the eyes.
“You were there.” You state softly. “What did you do? What part did you play in it?” You’re smirking because…the last person you shot at close range like this was your mom and you didn’t wanna shoot her. You do want to shoot Joan though. Been itching to shoot…someone, honestly.
“An old lady like me?” She scoffs and still avoids your eyes.
“I’m not shocked by what old people can do anymore.” You are honest when you say that. If they made it this long…they’re willing to do anything– or not question the people who are willing to do it.
“We’ll walk.” Joan starts to her feet but you push her back to the ground with the gun against her forehead.
“Didn’t tell you to get up yet.” You hiss down at her.
“I wasn’t there.” Joan growls up at you. You kneel down to be at her level.
“You scared to go out there…with nothing to keep you safe?” You mock her softly because…just fuck Joan.
“Eat shit.” She smiles at you. You smile back at her.
“If I told you I was gonna go…look through your room…what would you say?” You whisper to her. Her face is unchanging…but her eyes…they move– far too much for someone who is calm and cool…collected.
“Doesn’t matter. Nothin’ in there. Kill us or let us go. Stop fuckin’ playin’ cat and mouse.” She scoffs and rolls her eyes.
“Wonder what I’m gonna find when I look through all your stuff..” You smile at her and this makes her look right at you and she has real panic and…something fuckin’ dastardly in her eyes. Like she is guilty of something. You haven’t— can’t stop looking at her. Her face stays calm and still.
“I wonder..” She doesn’t smile..she doesn’t frown. She keeps her lips in a tight line. “I’ll be gone by then though.” Just the corners of her lips turn up. You frown and tap the barrel of your gun against her forehead twice.
“Not. True.” You say it timed out with your taps on her forehead. “I’ll be right back. Don’t let her leave.” You limp back towards the apartments.
Entering Joan’s room feels like a sin. A real one. You look around and see all the things she brough. Two backpacks…that’s it. You tear it apart. She hadn’t been in there long so all of her stuff wasn't put away yet. The backpacks just have clothes and memorable items. You find a picture of a young Joan and a handsome man. You put that right in your back pocket and look through the rest of her apartment. It’s empty.
You’re standing…just taking in the room in front of you, looking for anything that might be out of place. Nothing. Shit. She made you look fucking stupid. You’re feeling like you could cry when something does catch your eye. The shelves from inside the fridge are beside it, between the wall and the fridge itself.
You open the door and inside is a duffle bag. Packed tightly with something but, you’re kind of scared to open it. You pull it out of the fridge carefully but it’s so heavy. Oh god. So heavy. Once you unzip the top flap…all of your answers are right there in that bag. You place that little picture of young Joan and her handsome man right on top and zip the bag back up and hoist it over your shoulder. So heavy. Still not as heavy as baby Tomas so, it’s fine.
Your eyes are glued onto Joans face as you walk up the soft incline of the ramp into the garage– you wanna see her reaction when she sees the bag.
Not just her, but every single one of them groans. Including a girl around Ellie’s age all the way in the back. You drop it in front of Joan carefully and nod everyone in your group over to watch.
“Open it.” You smirk at her. She shakes her head no and you have your revolver back against her forehead. “I’m shooting you regardless… open the fuckin’ bag. Show everyone.” You tap her forehead twice again. “I’m. Waiting.” Joan doesn’t move so you bring your revolver up like Joel had, ready to put more than just a crack in her fucking glasses lenses.
“Gonna break my nose before—” Joan starts… like you were not getting ready … to break her fucking nose. You do it way harder than Joel. He had some control but he won’t. Not after what he sees what’s in that forsaken duffle bag. Joan is crying, hands on her face like her best buddy Issac. You kneel down so you’re at the same level with Joan and try to pull her hands away from her nose but she fights you. Pushing your hands away and turning away from her. You slide the hand holding your gun around the back of her head and hold her head still the best you can.
“Shhh. It’s okay. Shhhhhh, Joanie. I just wanna see it.” You whisper comfortly to her as she pushes your hand away. “I got you, I just wanna see. ” You coo to her and grip her hair in your fingers, tiling her head to you. “I know it hurts. I’m sorry. Lost my temper there a lil, didn’t I?” You chuckle softly and pull her hands away from her face when she stops fighting.
Joan either believes you , or knows that she isn’t getting out of this. Either way…you’re having fun with this cunt of a woman. You grab the bridge of her nose with your thumb and forefinger and pinch hard, pushing back into her face gently– you feel the shards of her bone and crunched cartilage between your digits. She swats your hands away and starts to sob again– she never really stopped.
“ Birdie, c’mon. ” Joel whispers into your ear like he didn’t keep Jacob Harris alive in a basement to torture for three days.
“Open the fucking bag!!” You shout at Joan. She flinches and her bloody, nervous fingers fumble with the zipper but she finally unzips it and sits back, looking down at the ground. “Ae you fucking stupid? Open it up!” You tap her— you don’t hit her with the butt of your gun again. You pull back like you were shooting a pool cue though and give her a good, solid poke right in the corner of her eyebrow. “Pull the fucking flap back.”
When she does– she hesitates and touches the picture on the top of everything else below it and then pulls her hands away. Everyone behind you is breathing down your neck, trying to find out what’s in the bag.
Joel is the first one to react because he knows what sawdust and sodium nitrate and nitroglycerin make. They make dynamite. And there’s enough of that, plus so many more types of explosives in there. And a book on how to make explosives, courtesy of FEDRA.
Joel brings the butt of the pistol down on the crown of Issac’s forehead with another crunch but there is no pop of cartilage. Just the cracking of his skull and when he falls to the floor his cheek pressed against it Joel bends at the knee and gets as close to the whimpering man on the floor.
“I lost friends in that attack. Almost lost my fuckin’ family. Lost my home… So no, you don’t have an option anymore.” Joel whispers. He looks into the sea of young, trembling raiders in disguise and sighs– so many girls and Joel has a thing about shooting women who aren’t Marlene apparently.
“I’ll do it. Have no fuckin’ problem with it.” Maria says, pushing past Joel and you, stepping over Issac and grabbing one of the women by the elbow and pulls her to her feet and starts to lead her outside. You turn to Ellie.
“You did good, but I need you to go check on Nora and TJ, okay?” You give her serious eyes and a tight lip. She looks mad. “I’m not going to let you be a part of a firing squad—” Joel’s hand is pushing past you and reaching for Ellie.
“C’mon, kiddo.” Joel looks down into your horrified face. “She suffered too. Lost her home. Some of her friends died in that attack too.” Joel says it evenly and calmly like he knows what he’s talking about.
“You’re going to just let her do this?” You whisper at him as Ken and the rest of them–minus Ellie lead everyone outside.
“She’s done worse. At least this is proven fuckin’ justice. She can sleep at night knowing the fucks that did that to us are dead, n’ she fuckin’ helped. Right, Bug?” Joel calls to her without looking at her, his eyes are locked onto yours. “Is that a problem?”
“Yep.” Ellie calls back from behind him but you don’t look. You stare right at Joel.
“No. But when she comes to us in twenty years asking you for help because she can’t bear to be near herself …don’t act like I didn’t warn you about this.” You turn to walk away but Joel has his hand on your elbow.
“You don’t leave until we’re done talkin’.” Joel growls.
“I’m done. Got nothin’ left to say.” You don’t. Joel is right. Ellie has a right to be there just like everyone else. It’ll fuck her up, but…she has done worse and this is justice.
“You wanna do that?” Joel asks Ellie.
“Those are the fucks who bombed us? Hell yeah I do.” Ellie is angry and she has a right to be. Those people ruined her chances of her dad trusting anyone ever again and she better like the kids that came because no new people are ever coming in here. Not ever.
“Okay.” Joel says simply.
Outside, Ken has walked everyone so far away, they’re still walking and now you have to go meet up with them. It takes so long and once you get there, you grab Joan by the elbow and pull her to her knees without an explination. You need a word with Joan, privately.
You are out of sight of everyone else because… you’re not going to be very nice to miss Joan. No. You put her back on her knees and stand over her.
“So.. I’m gonna give you just one chance. Okay?” You start. She is glaring up at you. “What do you know about Salt Lake?” Her eyes go wide and she opens her mouth like she is going to start screaming for the people in her group…like they could do something to help her…or warn them. You choke her with the barrel of your gun– have a going deepest contest.
“Fuu-” She gags loudly and tears come to her eyes.
“Do you like this?” You move the gun in and out of her mouth like it was your cock if you had one and she stares up at you, you can feel her teeth scraping the gunmetal. “Last chance before I make you tell me.” You pull the gun out of her mouth and bend at the knee to be level with her. “Tell me.”
“Fuck you. Cunt.” She smirks at you.
“I was hoping you said that.” You pull the cracked glasses off her face and pull one of the ear pieces off– discard the rest at your feet. She isn’t gonna need them anymore. “Gimme your hand.” You hold your hand out for her like you’re gonna help her up.
“Just fuckin’ shoot me.” Joan rolls her eyes but her voice wavers slightly and she’s not giving you her hand. You bring the butt of the gun up over your head again and she flinches.
“Hand. Now.” You snap at her and she still doesn’t do it. “Hey.” You whisper to her but she doesn’t turn her head to look at you. “Hey, Joan.” You don’t really know who you are right now…but it feels good.
Very good. Kinda scary.
You’re working your mouth together as Joan looks up at you hesitantly. You give her a nice warm, wet one right to the left eye. She lets out a disgusted sound of shock and horror and holds her hands up to wipe the saliva out of her eye.
While she’s not paying attention and is distracted by spit, you put your boot in the bend of one of her knees, using all your weight to keep her down on the ground as you snatch her hand away from her face. You twist the elbow in a position that makes her keen and whimper.
“Tell me their names. The girl and the boy.” You hold her arm twisted backwards against your body as you struggle to get one of her fingers. She is desperately trying to get away from you. Your arms are all full with a gun and then also trying to torture Joan. You ease her down onto her belly and chest so you can put all of your weight into your knee on her back. She groans softly and now, you can holster your weapon and use both hands.
“I hope your kids fucking die, bitch.” She snaps at you through forced laughter. You force laughter with her, for so long that you actually start laughing. You keep laughing as you pull the plastic piece off that curves around the ear with your teeth. You have to really pull to get that sharp, pointy piece free.
“I hope. This hurts.” You laugh, with real humor in your voice as you get another good grip on her middle finger. She is trying so hard to pull away from you. “Oooh noo. Are you scared, Joan?” You chuckle and rub the sharp point under her fingernail gently. You inadvertently clean her nails when you do that. “So nice and pretty now.” You mock her.
Who are you?
“What do you know about Salt Lake?” Joan asks as you clean the rest of her fingernails on that hand for no reason. Just…killin’ time.
“You tell me what you know…then I’ll tell you my little secret, ‘kay, Joanie?” You use the hand that has the tiny spear in it to pet Joan’s hair comfortingly. “I got you. You can talk to me about anything, baby.”
You might be going insane or…needed this?
“I dunno what you wanna know.” Joan groans because you push your knee further into her spine. You bring your new favorite little tou back to her middle finger.
“One last chance, babygirl.” You whisper down to her.
“Fuck yo–” And then she is screaming . Sooo loud. So much louder than when you broke her nose. This must be, like, a constant and intense pain, the way she is screaming and begging you to stop. You watch the little metal spear slide further between her fingernail and her nail bed.
“JOAN!” You have to shout over her but she still doesn’t stop screaming. You pill the little pin out and she whimpers. “Gonna tell me?” You ask excitedly.
“I hope your husband dies—” She is cut off again with the pin in the same, exact spot. Further and with more force. She screams louder and it sounds like it’s tearing her throat apart. She doesn’t stop until you pull it from her finger again. She’s bleeding but not a lot.
“Abby.” She groans. “Dunno the boys na—” She is cut off and screaming when you choose a new, untouched finger. “OWEN.” She scream his name out and now you sigh deeply.
“Thank you so much, Joan.” You pet her pet her head again, running your fingers through her hair. “My husband and I killed that doctor and those nurses… our daughter is the one we rescued.” You whisper to her.
“No fuckin’ way–” Joan groans quietly as you kneel into her back harder.
“Are you scared to die or is it welcomed after that? I really wanna know. I’m not being an ass.” You whisper down to her.
“Not scared.” Joan whines and pulls her hand from yours as you prick the pad of her finger with the sharp pin quickly and chuckle.
“Sound scared.” You giggle. “Did you plant the bombs or just make them?” You ask wondering if she’s going to give you an answer.
“Both.” Joan chuckles. You sigh happily. And roll her onto her back, straddling her chest, her arms pinned under your knees. You press the pin to her throat and hold it against her jugular tightly and the gun to her head.
“Open your mouth , Joan.” You look down at her, as she smiles. She does as you say— thinking you’re probably going to put the gun in there and…fuck her mouth with it again. You’ve been getting one ready for her and do it before she can close her mouth. Spit it right into the back of her throat with a loud hawking sound in your throat. She spits it right back at you and it lands in your chin.
You bring the gun back behind your head and bring it down on the side of her head, and while she’s stunned and in shock– mouth hanging open, you spit again and slip the gun back into her mouth. “Suck it, Joan.”
She shakes her head no. You nod your head at her silently. She just shakes her head no again. You fuck her mouth for her, choking her and gagging her with the tip of the gun.
“Bird?” Joel’s voice behind you makes you pull the trigger when the gun is in the back of her throat. It makes you jump… but you’re not sure what you were doing. It’s almost like your back on earth for the first time since you pulled Joan away from everyone else. “The hell’re you doin’?” He asks nervously.
You stand up and leave the blood covered pin beside Joan’s lifeless body without responding.
“Looked like…” Joel doesn’t know what to say as you try to walk past him. He grabs you by the elbow and stops you. “Got blood all over yer’ face.” He warns you.
“Okay.” You nod your head and pull your elbow from his grip and search for his hand with yours. You feel like your head is being vacuumed out of your ears— all the insides are somehow lighter and heavier all at the same time. You stop being able to hear anything and what you can see in your vision is just getting smaller and smaller. It feels like you can’t take a breath in. Your vision keeps going tighter and tighter until Joel snaps his fingers in your face.
“What were you doin’?” Joel grips your hand tightly and is yanking you into his body, wrapping his arms around you. You just lean into them as he leads you back to the group.
Everyone else from Joan’s group is still on their knees.
Ellie’s POV
Fuck these people. Even this girl. This girl could be the same age as Ellie…maybe even younger? She doesn’t know, doesn’t think she cares. Just wants them to pay for what they did or what the people they know did to her home and her friends and family. Ellie does feel weird about this though– not killing someone. She’s done that, did it more personal than this too. This girl wasn’t even looking at Ellie, but it still panged her and made her regret coming out here with her mom and Dad.
The look on her Dad’s face when you took Joan off by herself actually had Ellie worried– she didn’t know for what reason. She heard that older lady screaming though, a lot and then you laughing and yelling back at her. That was kinda scary. Ellie shouldn’t be out here.
Jimmy is out here and this new kid Ellie has never seen before and they’re both standing behind a guy, with their gun pressed to the back of their head. She is fucking shaking and she doesn’t think she can actually do this now that the time has come to actually pull the fucking trigger.
One gunshot goes off. It’s Tommy’s. He just shot Issac in the head and now Ellie thinks she might throw up as she watches her Dad hold you and comfort you for…whatever you did to that lady. Ellie doesn’t wanna know, but she saw what was in that bag and the book. Ellie was still mad.
“Ayyee, everyone hold up.” Tommy says from his spot in front of the neck tattooed body in front of him. “S’enough of all that.” He holsters his weapon and bites back a wince as he limps to Maria. “We’re not murderin’ all these people. S’mostly fuckin’ kids.” Tommy explains to his wife in a hushed tone, but Ellie is close enough to hear them. “We got their lil leaders. Let nature do the rest.” Tommy is cupping Maria’s chin in his fingers, looking directly into her yes.
“Fine.” Maria growls and pushes the barrel of her rifle into the shoulder of the girl in front of her. “Up.” Maria shouts at her and then again at all of the people who are on their knees. Everyone stands. Even the young girl in front of Ellie– who tries to not take a step away from her but does inch back just one shuffled pace.
“Y’all walk. Spread out. Don’t get to fuckin’ close to one another or we will fuckin’ shoot you.” Tommy shouts at all of them. “Y’all come back here…we’ll fuckin’ shoot you. No questions asked.” He adds again but no one moves.
“Did you hear him?” Ellie asks the teenager in front of her. The blonde girl nods her head. “Do you have friends? A boyfriend?” Ellie doesn’t know why she is asking this.
“I don’t have a boyfriend…” The girl turns her head to look at Ellie but pauses. “I have a lot of friends though, back home.” She nods. “Do you?” The girl sounds scared and nervous and trying to make conversation and Ellie wishes that girl has said anything else.
“You killed some of my friends.” Ellie whispers with anger dripping off her tongue. “Why do you get to have friends?” Ellie’s voice is barely audible over the blood pounding in her ears.
“I wasn’t there that day.” The girl whispers. “I was just learning how to make bombs.” She explains and Ellie again– wishes she would stop incriminating herself because it’s making it harder to let her walk away.
“So…you know how to make bombs?” Ellie whispers quietly and the girl in front of her freezes.
“What are you doin’ kiddo? Let her go.” Tommy comes to Ellie with a worried look on her face.
“She makes bombs.” Ellie looks up at Tommy. Now her Dad is beside her and so are you. You have your hands on her shoulders and you’re pulling her back, closer to the bunker again as Tommy and her dad decide how to handle all this. “She helped make those bombs.” Ellie is maybe a little in shock.
“I heard her, Bug.” You look so tried and are covered in small, tiny droplets of blood. You lead Ellie back into the bunker and follow her into her apartment. “Can I stay here with you tonight?” You ask softly. Ellie nods and pulls you into the bathroom.
“Take a shower. I got good soap in here. We can talk when you get out.” Ellie hands you a towel and shuts the door. Shit shit shit. You’re going to be sad again. Shit. Ellie doesn’t like this. Not at all. Nope. She runs to Patti’s and knocks on the door quietly and hopes that she isn’t sleeping again. Patti opens the door– looking very tired and now thankful that one of the children will be leaving her apartment.
“The boy's mother?!” Patti exclaims as Ellie starts back to her apartment with Nora in her arms. Ellie snickers softly.
“They’re comin’ in now. They’ll grab him in a minute or two. Thanks for watching her, Patti. We love you!” She waves Nora’s arm and hand goodbye at Patti who is now smiling and waving back at the,
“Love you too, munchkins.” Patti blows them kisses.
Ellie sets Nora down and holds her hand– walking so slow and so carefully with her baby sister.
“Did you know our dad had another daughter before us?” Ellie whispers down to Nora. “He doesn’t talk about her much, but he told me she was fun. A lot of fun.” Ellie looks down at the growing baby who is taking less clumsy steps more and more each day. Nora looks up at Ellie with her curls pulled into a bun on top of her head.
“Eeeeeeeeeeee.” Nora squeals happily and it makes Ellie chuckle.
“Hell yeah. I’m Eeee.” Ellie leads the baby down the long corridor. Tommy and Maria come around the corner towards Ellie and Nora.
“You girls good?” Tommy asks, looking a little nervous.
“Yeah. Patti wants you to go get your heavy ass baby.” Ellie teases and Maria rolls her eyes.
“He’s a normal weight for his age.” She is trying to bite back a smirk. “Your dad wants to talk to you, he’s coming in right now. If you wait here he’ll find you.” Maria gives Ellie’s arm a comforting rub. “You did good tonight. Proud of you.”
“Thank you.” Ellie tries to hold back a smile as Maria follows Tommy towards Patti’s apartment.
“Bug.” Her dads voice isn’t grating…it’s just her dads voice and it makes her cringe a little. Even if she isn’t upset with him about anything.
“Hey.” Ellie picks Nora up and turns towards the sound of Joel’s voice. He looks annoyed but…when didn’t he?
“You ok? Mad at me?” He leans against the wall of the corridor. Ellie shakes her head no as she walks towards him. Nora is already reaching for him and saying Dada. Joel reaches for her and takes her from Ellie.
“No…why would I be?” She asks nervously. Is he keeping something from her? Lying again?
“Put you in a weird position out there…made you kinda go against your mom.” Joel looks ashamed.
“I wanted to be there.” Ellie tells a lie and a truth at the same time. How is that possible!?
“I’m glad you didn’t have to kill anyone. I knew we weren’t gonna shoot all of them. Just the two assholes who ran their mouth.” Joel nods and never takes his eyes off Ellie.
“Me too.” This is a whole truth.
“You know…that’s how things are dealt with out here sometimes though…right?” Joel’s jaw is clenching and un-clenching as he waits for her to talk.
“Yeah. I do.” Ellie nods, watching Nora inspect Joel’s gray facial hair. The baby physically turns her dads head to the side as he starts to talk. Joel pulls away from the forceful little hands and glares down at her.
“I’m talkin’ t’yer sister. Knock it off.” Joel snaps at her very softly and makes Nora giggle. Ellie knows that Joel is a good dad, isn’t mean– really cares. That’s why he’s talking to Ellie right now. Joel turns his head back to Ellie and sighs. “S’not always pretty or nice, Bug…but… s’what Tommy and I have to do…choices we have to make to keep you and Nora and TJ safe. S’all.”
“I know… I don’t feel bad— I did, Dad. I did feel bad for a second until she told me she knew how to make those bombs.” Ellie admits. “I would have shot her.” Ellie doesn’t know why but she feels tears coming to her eyes. “Sh-she has friends…” Ellie’s chin quivers. “She got friends and I just get Dina? Who keeps making me…feel bad all the time?”
Ellie doesn’t know why she is crying now, but Joel wraps his arm around her shoulder and pulls her into his chest.
“S’not always fair, Bug. I know. You got people to make friends with now. Remember? All those people we didn’t just kick out?” Joel hugs her close to him and speaks reassuring words that do comfort Ellie a little but…not much. She doesn’t know why.
“Yeah, I’m gonna meet them all tomorrow.”
Notes:
^^ "Couldn't be mine."
So... I needed a couple days but I'm all good again. Gucci gang. I'll be updating this story every other day...maybe every two days. I'm not rushing it and trying to take my time with this and QSS. Love you all, thanks for your supportive words and I hope I didn't traumatize you with this chapter.
Chapter 44: Drip
Summary:
We are not the same
The birds no nothing but the flight
And the flayed skin from my past life
Tongue the bag
Numb the face
We are not the same
Notes:
Hey, so I know I said I'd be a couple days but...maybe I took a prescribed to me ADHD medication today...and did all this... and I'm... never not taking one ever again? Because I'm so proud of this... Which is a HUGE difference in how I felt when I posted the my chapter to QSS today which for some reason I just stared at all night. Like a goober. So, I hope you all like this. For my sanity I have to split my chapters up and make them less long. So, I'm sorry but I love you and hope you all still like me.
The only trigger warning should be smut. So...no murder this time, folks.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Tommy’s POV
Yeah, fuck this shit. Fuuuck all of this. This is what big brothers do, right? Take over when their little brother clearly has…no idea what to do. Tommy’s been in bed for nearly three weeks recovering from that god damned blast. So fucking stupid. Tommy had been so nervous about dropping the grenade that he forgot to fucking count like an asshole. Almost fucking died.
Maria, of all people, was going to shoot someone? Maria?! with her sometimes calm demeanor and sometimes annoying levelheadedness, was about to take a life? Tommy couldn't believe it. He had just started to feel like a normal person again, or at least close to it. But the things he and Joel had done, they left a deep crater in his soul and distorted his moral compass.
It was the kind of stuff you did out in those woods with Joan, like a deranged lunatic the other day!! Jesus Christ, it was why he had left Boston in the first place. It made him feel insane, like he would eventually start to enjoy the violence and chaos. He couldn't handle it anymore, couldn't live with that part of himself.
Meeting Maria and having a family was not something he ever thought he'd get the opportunity to do. But now he’s got a son and a great wife. And asshole brother who won’t just do this for him.
“Please.” Tommy says it very calmly and tries not to excite Joel too much. It’ll end badly for both of them. Joel is scowling at him from across the desk Tommy is sitting behind…his desk…or Joel’s if he would like it…
“No.” The word comes out of Joel’s mouth for so long that Tommy think’s he’s being funny. He doesn't laugh though.
“We could both do it…” Tommy offers this instead of it just being one of them running this whole thing and the other person being second in command.
“No.” Joel isn’t budging.
“Why? You do good under pressure. Look’it was ya did the other day. Rounded us all up. Got us into fuckin’ action.” Tommy might be kissing his ass a little. He has to. He knows Joel doesn’t wanna do this, not really. He’s an old fucking man… he wants to retire!! Now he has a whole new city to build for his wife.
“I’m done with this. Done with making decisions—” Joel is speaking still when Tommy talks over him.
“Oh, please. Ya never let anything happen without putting in yer’ two fuckin’ cents.” Tommy scoffs and dramatically rolls his eyes. “And don't even get me started on yer’ back. Maybe… if ya spent more time relaxing up here, ya wouldn't be so hunched over.” He adds with a smirk, knowing Joel's constant complaints about his back.
“Make better decisions then…” Joel's expression turns to stone, his voice cold and unfeeling as he speaks. Tommy fights the instinct to punch him, only holding back because of the dull ache in his side. Every word that comes out of Joel's mouth feels like a physical blow, leaving Tommy seething. “And my backs perfectly fuckin’ fine. What’re you talkin’ ‘bout? Not fuckin’ hunched over.” Joel scoffs. Now Tommy would also say fuck you but…he still want’s Joel to do this.
“As helpful as that is…I still need your help. I need guidance and you wanna step back?” Tommy is astounded that he is having to have this conversation with Joel. “And if your back is fine… quit makin’ me listen to you complain about it!” Tommy's body tenses and his face turns red with emotion as he speaks to Joel. His hands clench and unclench at his sides. His eyes narrow and his eyebrows furrow in frustration.
“Once that wall is up…I wanna be on patrol…like we used to be. Use Ken, Lucas…someone else. The two of us bein’ up here isn’t gonna sit well with the new people in this bunker?” Joel has been thinking about this, which makes Tommy feel a little better but…Not if he is still the one who has to be behind the desk all the time. “Won’t take long fer’ someone to poison the water.. N’ then our crew is against us too? Wanna take that risk?”
“Anyone new who has issues with it can leave.” Tommy points to the door.
“Or...outnumber us?” Joel’s face contorts in frustration and confusion as to how Tommy, his baby brother, didn’t already think of this. Which is why Joel needs to take over. Joel’s brows pinched together in a deep furrow. “This place we stumbled upon...we’re just outsiders looking in? With our helpless children and loved ones?” Joel’s voice rises in anger as he shakes his head vehemently. “No. Absolutely fuckin’ not.” His hand clenches into a fist, knuckles turning white. “One of us has to go...make room for someone from the new group once they settle in.” The words hang heavy in the air, filled with tension and unease.
“What!?” Tommy exclaims but Joel grimaces and waves his hand at Tommy, making him feel fucking stupid. Tommy hates it. He's always been the stupid younger brother that couldn't help, couldn't do anything right and now, Tommy is fucking admitting this to Joel and he's being dismissed again. What the fuck?
“Shuddup. We’d still be runnin’ things– obviously, you moron– but bringing in one of them gives ‘em a sense of security…makes ‘em feel like they’ve got a say.” Joel explains nodding his head like Tommy should already know this. “There’s more of them than us.” How does Joel think about this shit? Seriously? The tension in the air is still strong and the brothers look at each other with resentment in their eyes and Tommy know's he's being a prick for asking Joel to do this, but he needs him. He needs help. He was too stupid to count for the grenade!!! He wasn't ever going to tell anyone that. He also knew he wasn't stupid. He was just a better solider and contractor and brother. Not a leader. Tommy watches his brother, still nodding at him silently with wide eyes and gets so mad, remembering that Joel called him a moron.
"Ya think so, genius?" Tommy sneers with smugly. His head shakes back and forth in a mocking manner, mimicking Joel's frustration. He looooves trying to provoke and annoy Joel, his eyes glinting with brotherly malicious intent. "There aren't that many more of them than us..." he taunts, his words dripping with cockiness for the statement, and distaste for his brother.
“Still more, fucker.” Joel snaps at him– with his words and fingers and it makes Tommy flinch and Joel points at laughs at him. “Pussy.” He sneers and starts speaking again before Tommy can interject with his own insult. “They wanna turn around n’ fight us…it’ll be a close fight— shut up! Don’t say shit!” Joel points at Tommy when he sees his coming up with something to say for being called a pussy. Tommy could spit on him but knowing his fucking weird ass bother he’s probably into that weird fucking shit.
“Fine. Fuck you.” Tommy snaps back at him anyway and sits back in his chair. “Still think it should be you. Bigger. Older. Fucking apparently so much fuckin’ smarter too.” Tommy crosses his eyes and curls his lip up, and mocks his big brothers deep voice, trying to get Joel to do something, because it Joel hit's Tommy...then maybe Joel will feel bad and take over. Tommy is tired of the tension. So tried of having to have the answers to peoples questions. It was killing him back in Jackson. It's why when you said you were going to go, he was kind of excited to get away from the colony for a while. Be Tommy Miller again. Not the lead fucking whatever of Jackson!!
“I don’t care if you still have stitches…I will beat you into the foundation that is under this bunker. Shut your punk ass up.” Joel glares at Tommy and gets flipped the bird by his baby brother. Joel looks like he might actually come over and do something to Tommy.
The younger brother gives Joel a hesitant but strong jolt of his body but doesn't ever actually remove his body from his own chair. “Eat. Shit.” Tommy says slowly. “You’re gonna be chirpin' in my fuckin’ ear day in and day out if I’m behind this desk… look me in the eye n’ tell me you won’t be.” Tommy leans forward and rests his elbows on the desk in front of him and stares at Joel.
“You won’t be in my ear?” Joel scoffs. Uh, yes Tommy would be in his ear, but better him in Joel’s ear. Tommy know’s how to whisper. Joel doesn’t.
“I will be, but I’ll be less fuckin’ aggressive and more likely to not fuckin' yell achya. And, I'll most likely already be on your fuckin' side!” Tommy is so annoyed he can barely relax his jaw.
“Fuck. Fuuck. I don’t wanna do this Tomas.” Joel uses his real name and Tommy hates it.
“OOOO, you’re lucky I’m still stitched up. So lucky.” Tommy hates it. Tomas is his son. He is Tommy. Always has been and always will be. Fuck.
“Real men don’t bitch about stitches. Saved my wife on the road with a lil papercut just like that.” Joel nods his head towards Tommy with his eyes on his side and is snickering like he think's it's hilarious that Tommy has been laid up in bed for the last month!
“It went all the way through me!” Tommy exclaims. “The whole way!”
“So you’re backin’ down? Leavin’ me to deal with all of it?” Joel looks dead behind the eyes and Tommy knows that he got what he wanted.
“I’ll still be around. I’m not running away. Not again. I’ll be here, I just can’t do the pressure anymore." Tommy explains with a sigh and also in his heart, he is so relieved. Still feels kinda bad putting this on Joel, but...shit. He is excited to not have to be up here or have people asking him fucking questions all the time.
“Like I can?” Joel stands up from the desk.
“You’ve been doin’ it this whole fuckin’ time man. Someone needs help…they come to you—” Tommy starts and Joel doesn’t like that. There is even more tension in the air now as the bothers stare at each other. Joel is still. Not moving. It almost looks like he's not even fucking breathing and that is terrifying and then Joel speaks so loud it makes Tommy flinch again.
“Why!? Why’re they comin’ t’me? I’m just tryin’ to have a family and love my fuckin’ wife. Now we got all these fuckin’ problems popping up left and fucking right. People are lookin’ to me for solutions? Why?” Joel sounds so angry.
“Because you always answer!! You do. Someone has a problem? You fix it. S’how you got Ellie.” Tommy nods at him. “Sure fuckin’ is.”
“Shut the fuck— talkin’ like you fucking know everything.” Joel grumbles and sits back down in the chair on the normal people side of the desk. Not the side Tommy had been sitting it and makes Tommy feel bad but not for long because Tommy remembers the two times Joel made him flinch and called him a pussy that one time.Tommy won. Haha. Tomas Sr. Won. Fuck Joel. Big tough asshole bitch. That’s what Joel is. A bitch. Not really. Tommy wouldn’t ever, ever say that to his brother. Not to his face. Maybe back in the day over the phone but not now. No, and especially not in a situation like this.
“I’ll just go ahead n’ get on outta here…let you get nice an acquainted with this beaut right here.” Tommy gives the solid wooden desk in front of him a nice smack of his hands and stands up, trying not to wince because if he does Joel will talk shit.
“Yeah. Run away, pussy.” Joel snaps as Tommy walks past him and out of the office.
He’s basically running back to his apartment before Joel can come out and change his mind…but Tommy knows that Joel would rather be in charge. No one else to blame if mistakes are made, but that’s the other blade on this fucking double edge dagger that Joel held in his pocket. Only having himself to blame for mistakes. They’d be Joel’s mistakes.
Oh shit. Fuuck. You’re the last person Tommy wants to talk to right now. Fuckin’ crazy. Seriously might be. Tommy tried to talk over your fucking weird shit in the woods but, damn…that shit was wild and scary and Tommy would rather just avoid you.
You do not look like you wanna talk to him right now– but you stop anyway.
“Have you seen Joel?” You sound maaad and Tommy is excited that he left that office when he did, shiiit.
“Yeah. Commanders office—” Tommy nods and then tries to slip past you but you step in front of him.
"Why is he in there? That's your office," you say with obvious anger towards him. Oh no, Joel, where are you? His wife- you- is pissed at Tommy! His big brother needs to come wrangle you right now! Before you take the younger of the brothers out into the woods like Joan! He looks absolutely terrified right now, he knows it. "What is he doing in your office, Tommy?" You ask again, more upset and even more looking in need of a wrangling.
“What’s it to you?” Tommy asks, looking at you with squinted eyes and regrets it immediately. You point a finger right in his face and stand on your toes. “You want him in that office rather than at home with me, that time is spent away from our family?” You snap at him. “Not fair.” You glare now. “You wanted this. You stood up there in front of everyone after that attack–” You’re still talking when Tommy cuts you off and he sees his life flash before his eyes but he doesn’t care.
“I didn’t wanna!! And who was right beside me? Your husband.” Tommy flicks his eyebrows up at you.
“‘Cause you asked him to, you bitch! Don’t you dare turn this around on Joel who just got up there because you asked. You did.” You keep pointing and Tommy is stull stunned you called him a bitch, but he’s not going to say anything because again, you’re scary right now. “Go back in that office and tell Joel he doesn’t have to do this.” You snarl at him.
“Deal is done, Bird.” Tommy shakes his head but you look at him like he might actually be stupid.
“Did you sign something? Do a blood oath or whatever?” You pinch your brows together at him and glare at him with scary eyes. So scary and intense it's freaking Tommy out kinda.
“Uh… no you fuckin’ crazy!? Is that what you and Joel did when you got married? A blood oath? You’re the crazy one. You’re the bitch kinds! Get outta my face.” Tommy is in your face now and has no real malice towards you, he gets why you’re upset. But… he can’t back down from a fight either.
“So… there’s nothing stopping you from going back in there, telling Joel that his wife said that he can’t fucking do it and take back the job you wanted so bad. Joel will always help yo—”
“Joel takes over!! Joel yells and is mean, so no– he can have the fuckin’ job.” Tommy cuts you off again, and is now worried of what you’re gonna do— reopen his wound!! Tommy covers it with his hand just in case you go rouge.
“No. You can find someone else to do it. Ken, he’s fucking perfect for it. Military man and has nothing else to do. So, you can ask him. Not my husband.” You grab Tommy by the arm and lead him right back to where he came from.
Tommy is so mad. So fucking mad that Joel hasn’t move from his chair to the chair behind the desk because then it would just solidify that Tommy was right but he’s wrong and knew he was wrong that whole fucking time.
Sonofabitch. Fuck.
“Time to go.” You say to your husband, who looks at you with a puzzled expression. Tommy observes the silent exchange between the two of you and wonders if you have a special understanding, like he does with Joel sometimes.
"What's going on?" Joel looks relieved.
"We're leaving. This isn't your responsibility. You didn't ask for this. It's Tommy's job." You gesture towards Tommy, who gives Joel a small wave.
"Hey." Tommy doesn't want this job either. "I'll probably see if Ken wants it."
"Okay." Joel looks back at Tommy, trying to figure out what is happening. He can sense the confusion in his eyes.
“I’m not fuckin’ losing the time I have with my husband. No. We have shit to do in a week. And I’m not sitting back and letting—” You make a motion between yourself and Joel. “--our life suffer because of this move. No. We didn’t ask for this exchange of power. We just want a safe place to live.” You reach your hand out for Joel’s and he stares at it for a second before he takes your hand and you lead him out of the room.
Fuck. Now Tommy is back to square one and has to fucking go find Ken.
Joel’s POV
You are angel. Divine intervention. You scared the shit out of Joel when you revealed your pact with the devil to save Nora, but...wherever the hell you came from...heaven or hell...Joel fucking adores you. You're marching him into the deepest, most unused game room in the base. “Nora with Patti?” He asks you, loving how you’re the one leading him around and how small your hand feels inside his.
“Yep.” You sound upset with him and now he’s less excited to be dragged around by you, but he still loves it. You sit him down on the black leather couch and stand in front of him
“What?” Joel doesn’t like the way you’re looking at him. He knows what this is about.
“What? What? What do you mean, what?” Your arms are crossed over your chest.
“What?” Joel takes a risk by saying ‘what’ again, but he hopes you smile at him, he’s trying to be funny. The corners of your mouth move a hair and Joel relaxes a little. You’re not incredibly mad at him. Just annoyed. He’ll fuck that right outta. Can’t fuck the mad or sad out of you, but can gush the annoyance right off your face. Joel wants that put on his grave stone if he ever gets one .
Father. Husband. Gush Expert.
“So…you were going to let our daughter murder–” You’re talking and Joel holds his hand up to you and slowly presses his fingers against his thumb, silently letting you to stop talking. You do, but now you’re working your mouth together like you might spit on him and Joel opens his mouth to receive whatever it is you wanna give him. He know's it'll make you smile. “You’re such an ass!” You take two steps towards him and shove his shoulder back into the couch. You do smirk, but you're still mad.
“Oh shut up and get over here. Kiss me. S’why you picked this room, ain’t it?” Joel raises on eyebrow and snickers to himself.
“No! I came here so we could talk about how big n’ dumb you are.” You point at him and still look annoyed but your tones playful. You seem at ease. Joel wants you to come kiss him. Want's to feel every single warm inch of you on him. Taste your lips and drink in the comforting, familiar smell of your skin. Joel needs you so badly.
“Oh stop it.” Joel rolls his eyes and waves you away with his big, strong hand you love so much.
“No. I won’t. Regardless of if you knew we weren’t going to shoot everyone else— which would have been nice to know, you and Tommy could have filled us in on your little secret eye conversation before we all went out there, ready to shoot them!! Including our fucking daughter!!” You almost shouting and now, Joel sits back in his own annoyance because he thought he was going to get some fun kissing and touching. Getting yelled at is what he got. Fuck.
“Respectfully, baby, you’re just upset ‘cause you wen’t all fuckin’ Patrick Bateman on Joan out there.” Joel points to the wall like the outside is out there, and not just dirt because they are so far underground. Joel can't think about it or it'll give him a fucking panic attack and he cannot have one of those in front of you. It'll freak you the fuck out and make everything so much worse. No.
“I don’t know who that is. I don’t know your crazy fuckin’ friends, okay? I’m sorry. I got mad. She made those bombs and she—” You are fucking adorable and Joel could just sweep the legs out from underneath you you are so cute.
“She got what was comin’ to her. Gettin’ her mouth fucked with that gun.” Joel looks at you curiously. “Why’d you do all that?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know why I did any of that shit!” You exclaim and Joel chuckles softly.
“Felt good though…didn’t it? Knowin’ she deserved it.” Joel nods at you, smirking. “You can tell me, I won’t judge you. I’ve done some fucked shit.” Joel keeps nodding. He has done some fucked up shit and he knows how much better it feels when the fuckers who are getting whatever the fuck they're getting deserve it. You look at him for a long time, almost horrified that he would say that to you but then your stone face cracks and you smirk slightly.
“It did feel good.” You roll your eyes. "Fuckin' bomb' makin' bitch." You huff and cross your arms over your chest like you are still mad at her even though she has a hole in the back of her throat and is dead in the fucking woods. You might actually be crazy. Joel is going to walk to you Patti's tomorrow and hold your hand the entire fuckin' way.
“Okay. You done yellin’ at me?” Joel asks, giving you a knowing look.
“No. I’m still mad about Ellie. Respectfully, don’t ever make me look stupid like that in front of her again.” You narrow your eyes on his. “Not cool.”
“Yer’ right. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinkin’... and you are right.” Joel is calm, not an ass and just wants you to come sit in his lap so he can feel you against him. He needs to touch you after you not sleeping in the apartment that night. “You hate me?” Joel winks at you and leans back on the couch, spreading his legs and running his tongue along his bottom lip the way he knows you like.
“I don’t hate you, ass.” You stare at Joel’s mouth and it makes him smirk. That smirk makes you drop your eyes to Joel’s lap.
“Come.” Joel beckons you over with a curl of his index finger. You start and Joel thinks you're gonna give him a whack on the shoulder for calling you like that but you climb right into his lap and press your hips into his.
“You call me like that again and I’ll never put you in my mouth.” You smirk at him and your fingers push the hem of Joel’s shirt up so you can scrabble at the trail of hair below his belly button. “I love you.” You whisper to him as your fingers tease him even though you don’t mean to. You just love to touch him there but it makes Joel’s breath hitch in his throat.
“I love you more.” Joel breathes out to you and snakes one hand around the back of your neck so he can pull you in for a kiss. You don’t resist and Joel melts back into the couch and lets you do whatever you want to him. You just rescued him from Tommy and now he wants to let you do whatever it is you have planned.
You kiss down to Joel’s jaw and kiss back to his ear, sucking on his earlobe softly. He swallows hard when you flick your tongue against it and exhale softly. The warm breath gives him goosebumps. You hips rolling into his has his feet pushing back into the ground so he can arch his hips up into yours.
“Will you put it inside me right here?” You whisper into his ear. Joel grips the back of your neck and pulls your chest into his so your flat against him your cheek pressed into his shoulder.
“You want Daddy to take you right here on this couch?” he whispers down to you as he pushes his bulge up into your mound. Joel has to close his eyes as you whimper in happy anticipation
Bird’s POV
It’s so hard to not be nervous about who could walk in the door and see what Joel is doing to you. His hands sliding up under the hem of your shirt and up your back. He gives you goosebumps as he turns his head to press his lips to your forehead.
“I’ll fuck you anywhere, baby girl.” His voice is so deep and always so calm and even. He speaks against your skin and you love when he does that. His strong body writhes beneath yours as you push yourself off of him. He stops you and just turns you around and pulls your pants down just below the curve of your ass. He holds his hand against your ass as he frees himself from him jeans with one hand.
Joel lowers you down on to him slowly with quivering breaths coming from both of you. You have to reach back and hold on to his shoulder so you don’t fall but soon, the tip of him is pressed against your folds and he’s parting you, slipping into your entrance. He’s so fucking hot, it’s like all of the heat from his body comes from right there.
“Sit, lil girl.” Joel growls to you from behind and you let yourself sink into his lap.
The sensation of being filled completely overwhelms you and a heavy sigh escapes from your lips. Your legs are still bound together by the tightness of your jeans, intensifying the feeling of fullness inside you. Joel leans against your back, his chest pressed firmly against you as he wraps both arms around your body. One hand ventures under your shirt, tracing the curve of your stomach as he allows you to adjust to him being inside you in this position. His fingers glide across the smooth skin of your lower abdomen, sending shivers down
“Daddy loves how soft ya are.” He whispers into your neck quietly. “Everywhere. Now lift yer’ hips, girl.” He growls as you push your feet into the floor and inch yourself off his cock. “Now stop.” Joel holds you where he wants you with his hand on your lower stomach. As your husband's hips rock against yours, you feel the heat of his skin and the hardness of him pressing against you. With each withdrawal, you can feel every inch of him sliding along your inner walls, teasing that sensitive spot deep inside. A soft gasp escapes your lips as pleasure radiates through your body.
“Think yer’ stupid ass can shut th’fuck up if I–” Joel's rough hand covers your mouth, muffling any protests as he roughly pushes himself inside you. His thrusts are shallow but forceful, making you gasp and strain to keep your hips lifted for him. The heat of his breath on your neck and your head starts to spin with a mixture of pleasure. Your legs ache from supporting his weight, but you force yourself to not let go as he thrusts into you over and over again with a primalness that leaves you trembling.
“I love you so much. So much.” You breathe out as he pushes you closer to ecstasy and blinding white lights. “I.. I’m gonna…” You pant, turning your head as Joel’s mouth abandons your ear. He looks forward and puffs air out as he continues to work himself in and out of your sopping cunt. He is throbbing and still so fucking rock hard and satiny soft at the same time. The heat of his throbbing length is like freshly forged steel. It radiates through you as he thrusts. Each movement is powerful and intense, igniting a fire within you that burns hotter and hotter as Joel keeps his pace. It's as if he was molded to fit perfectly inside of you, fitting together. The sensation is overwhelming, leaving you breathless and almost right there. So close. He moves with purpose, his body in sync with yours as the passion between you brings both of you closer to release.
The room is filled with an intense energy as the two of you release together. Your heavy breathing echoes off the walls. It’s the sound in the otherwise silent space— minus the hum of the generators. The pleasure coursing through your mind feels like it could make it crumble at any moment, but you revel in it, soaking up every sensation. His hot come fills you and you can't moan at how good it is, you have to bite it back It's as if he was made for you, meant to find you in the woods that day and fulfill your every desire for as long as humanly possible. You can't imagine ever wanting anyone else.
His release is a wild, primal thing that shudders through his body. He chokes back sobs, the pleasure coursing through him almost too much to bear. His hot breath tickles your skin as he presses himself against you, his lips finding purchase on your shoulder. He is lost in the overwhelming sensation of emptiness being filled, of two bodies coming together in a raw and passionate union. You reach back with one hand to touch Joel, grab his hair or something. The sweat on his brow is slightly sticky to the touch, leaving a damp feeling on your fingertips as you slide them through his hair.
"Take me home. We have an adventure to go on tomorrow." You whisper back to him breathlessly.
Notes:
^^ Joel being so glad you came in and stood on fuckin' business. He's shocked.Also, I love you all. Seriously.
Chapter 45: Crooked
Summary:
Audacious, self righteous, a martyr? I highly doubt
Egocentric bitter tongue, bite it off, spit it out
And after all these years, yes, life might be rich
But in this dog eat dog world
You're still the fucking bitch
Notes:
Trigger warnings: Guns... Some weird therapy talks......I dunno what else. No smut...nothing else bad.
ILY guys so much.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Birds POV
“So…ya gotta listen t’me real good now, ‘kay Bug?” Joel is looking at Ellie from the mounted gun on the back of the Humvee the three of you are taking into this abandoned town or city or whatever it is. It has a Taco Bell, a Walmart, Target and so many other things. It was juuuust out of the way enough that you guys couldn’t stop on the original trip out to the bunker with Ken and Tommy.
“I’m paying attention.” Ellie is paying attention. This is by far the biggest piece of weaponry she’s ever used and she’s excited. She’s not about to fuck up her opportunity to lose it. No way. The air is buzzing with her excitement and anticipation. Your back is sweating at the idea of her having to actually use it.
“S’heavy…but you unseat it from its locked position–” Joel holds on to the handles on the sides and lifts up slightly, pushes forward and now the mounted gun rotates a full 180°. “-now you can do this.” He explains moving the gun from left to right with the handles. “Trigger is here.” He holds his right index finger up on the handle and wiggles it at Ellie. “Here.” He closes his finger on a button on the back of that handle. “If anything happens, you’re on this. Birdie’ll load yer’ ammo.” Joel winks at the both of you.
“How do you know how to use that?” You give him suspicious eyes as he locks the gun back into position and jumps down off the Humvee.
“Ken showed me.” Joel nods and wipes his hands off on his jeans. He walks around the side of the truck and opens the back door for Ellie. “After you.” He motions her inside. She climbs in with her empty backpack and another empty duffel bag. Joel throws in his own bags and two rifles. His empty bag hits Ellie in the leg as he tosses it in.
“Hey, watc–” She starts to gripe but he shuts the door on her.
“Ha. Nice.” You nod and chuckle at him and the two of you high five. as he opens your door. You climb in, your stuffs been packed and in the truck for almost two days. You’re so nervous and so excited.
Ellie is in the backseat of the Humvee and Joel is driving. You’re turned around facing her. She just finished telling you a forty-five minute rant about how Dina is the worst.
“Shut the fuck up, Dina did not ditch you to go hang out with that kid Jesse. You’re lying…” You stare at her with a look of disgust. You’re gonna have to go have a little meeting with Connie to let her know that her found daughter is actually the worst. Dina needs to get it the fuck together.
“She sure fuckin’ did.” Ellie snaps at you. You know she’s not mad at you so, you say nothing.
“What a bitch.” You shake your head in disappointment. “See any new cuties in the new crew though?” You raise your eyebrows in question and Ellie rolls her eyes but smile softly.
“Maybe. I dunno. I haven’t talked to her yet.” Ellie shrugs her shoulder but looks out the window and avoids your eyes.
“What are you waiting for? An invitatio—” You interrupt yourself with a gasp. “We are going to invite her– you are going to invite her!! We’re going to throw a party!! We haven’t done one of those since the attack!! Oh Joel…we have to..” You nod your head. Joel shrugs his shoulders.
“Fine with me. But now you gotta run it by Tommy–” Joel snickers, knowing that you and Tommy aren’t on speaking terms right now. Mostly because he tried to guilt your husband… who is big n’ dumb, to be the leader of this bunker. That would send Joel to an early grave. So no. You’re mad at Tommy and Tommy is mad at you for calling him a bitch and foiling his plan.
“Tommy, respectfully, can go suck on some dicks. Seriously. What was he thinking–”
“What did Uncle Tommy do?” Ellie asks, now with her full attention on you and Joel. You turn your head to stare at her.
“Something really fucking shady–” You’re nodding but Joel cuts you off.
“It wasn’t shady, Bug. Tommy is just fuckin’ scared. He’s worried he can’t do a good job like your Dad did while he was laid up in bed.” Joel smirks to himself. You know that he knows there is more to it than that.
Neither Tommy nor Joel…or anyone else in that fucking colony wanted to take over after that attack. Tommy stepped up. Did the colony need someone to step up and figure things out? Yes. Absolutely, but Tommy kept that roll after everything was said and done. Now, one hundred plus new people suddenly need shelter and want to converge… become a real fucking bustling community that actually needs a leader to make rules, come up with some sort of justice because…things cannot be handled the way they have been.
There is a stockade in the furthest, darkest and emptiest corner of the bunker in the garage. That is jail!! Those fuckers could have rotted in there. Joel and Tommy both made a good point… keeping them here meant making the choice to feed them or let them starve to death. Watching someone die slowly and sending them out to fend for themselves in a world of infected and wretched were…not different. You just had to watch one with your own eyes.
“Okay… but why does Uncle Tommy wanna give that up? Isn’t that like…the best job to have?” Ellie asks with a confused smirk.
“It’s probably the worst job. You hate how often Birdie and I come to your door knocking with our dumb fuckin’ questions…right? Think about that all day long n’ its not just your amazing n’ awesome parents who are askin’ ya the questions… it’s everyone…even the ones you don’t fuckin’ like.” Joel looks at Ellie in the large, rectangular rear view mirror as he drives towards this— what you thought looked like an untouched large town– a two hour Humvee ride southwest of the bunker.
“And your Uncle Tommy tried to be a bi—” You start but Joel gives you a sharp, attention grabbing whistle that makes your shoulders pinch up to your ears when he does it. You glare over at him.
“Knock it off. Tommy’s just fuckin’ scared.” Joel shrugs one shoulder as he drives. As much as you dislike when he fucking whistles at you like that– okay, you like it a little bit– regardless, you never really get to see him driving. It’s stupidly attractive and you’re mad at him now.
“Why is he scared? Ellie asks curiously. “Isn’t he the safest? Being in charge?” She sounds so confused.
“S’not always the case, El. Sometimes when you’re in charge…you got the biggest target on your back.” You nod. “S’why I didn’t want your dad to do it.” You turn your body to look at her. “Now Ken is going to help Tommy, be the one who is in Tommy’s ear so that Joel can be home, not have to be helping everyone else as much.” You nod at her. “I dunno if Ken s gonna do it, I hope so.”
“I like Ken, he’s smart, funny. Real nice.” Ellie nods her head.
“You missed him at dinner the other night when you didn’t wanna come. And Patti.” You bobble your head from side to side at her. She always just wants to be alone in her apartment now. Being almost sixteen sucks. So much. You remember.
“Whaaaat?” Ellie raises her eyebrows. “Are…they…dating?” She gives you a quizzical look.
“I dunno…I hope so. They’re cute as hell.” You nod.
“I wonder how poor old Don feels about his lil girlfriend finding a new lil boyfriend.” Joel says it in a tone that would insinuate that he was joking but his face..seems kinda mad. Like he might be upset with Patti for something…for hurting Don maybe…
The rest of the ride to the city is uneventful. The masses of infected moving through here are low. So low, it’s a little unnerving. It is a town. Not a city. Not even a real large town. Just some small country town that was probably real warm and inviting back in the day. Not so much anymore. There is fog. Real thick, dense fog as you guys roll in and it makes you groan.
“I don’t even wanna do it anymore. S’fuckin’ scary!” You peer out of the window as you guys park in between the Taco Bell and the Walmart. You’re in a plazza with a bunch of stores. There’s a Radio Shack, an FYE, an unnamed beauty supply store– you’re definitely going in there– an unnamed womens clothing store, a Redwing shoe store– Joel is definitely going to want to go there– and a coffee shop, a movie theater and…a Toys r’ Us. Your main reason for coming.
Taco Bell is first. All the windows are broken and smashed to shit, there is new fresh greenery growing across the structure and it’s almost completely overtaken. You climb inside with Ellie while Joel keeps watch outside. Moving through this place is so weird. Being behind the counter is even more weird but under the register they have bins of exactly what your body has been yearning for. Hot sauce. Mild, medium and real hot sauce.
“Help me.” You look at Ellie with desperation in your eyes as you quietly open a plastic bag and start to fill it with as many sauces as it will fit. Ellie is dumping containers of hot sauce into the open bag as you throw handful after handful in. Once nothing else will fit and you have…enough to last you for an embarrassingly short amount of time because you’re putting this on everything.
Real flavor?? Real taste??? Not just bland ration food?? YES. On everything. You grab another bag fill that as well. You drop it off to the Humvee before going anywhere else.
“Got your fix? Ya fiend.” Joel teases as you guys walk into the Walmart. It’s…pretty picked through or the things left over have mold on it. You and Ellie get a couple clean packs of underwear in all different sizes– for men and women. Ellie grabs a couple from the kids section. You throw it all in a duffel bag Joel has around his shoulder. You grab some small things. Nail clippers. A couple pairs of reading glasses for people who need them. Ace bandages, alcohol, things for the medical wing in case you need it.
This is what being on the road felt like. Just the three of you…doing shit like this. Looking for clean clothes or food to eat or a place to sleep and it felt nice to just be the three of you again for just a little while.
“Oo, look!” Ellie points to the very highest shelf in the baby section. It’s a crib still in the box. The box looks kinda beat up, but when Joel climbs up there to pull it down and inspect it, there is nothing wrong on the inside.
“Good lookin’, Bug.” You give Ellie a small pat on the back. Everything else in here is covered in mold or mildew. “Hopefully that toy store has somethin’ good for Worm. She should have a good first birthday. She deserves it.” You feel sad you have nothing for Nora yet.
There are a few shirts and pants in the mens department that Joel snatches up for people who need them. The travelers from New Mexico didn’t have much…mostly what they were able to grab before they had to get out before the fire overtook the apartment building.
Same with the women's department. Jeans and shirts but not many.
The women's clothing store has more options. Less picked through. There are no holes in the ceiling like there had been in the Walmart so there is no mildew on things in here. Ellie and you load up the entire store-- literally. Every pair of pants, shirts, sweaters and sweatshirts, you grab comfortable and sensible looking shoes for people that might need them.
You load everything into the back of the Humvee Joel pulled up for you. The shoe store is next door and Joel basically does the same thing. You and Ellie help him once the clothing store is empty.
“These for all the guys?” You look up at him, carrying three boxes of boots in your arms and under your chin.
“Yeah. Couple of the new guys are wearin’ fuckin’ sneakers.” Joel rolls his eyes.
“Probably easier to run in sneakers, honestly.” You shrug your shoulders. Once the shoe store is basically empty, there isn’t much space left in the truck but you guys have to check out the toy store.
It’s completely untouched. Not even a window smashed. Joel has to break one with the butt of his rifle. It’s noisy and rings in your ears. There's a weird, awkward apprehension that hangs in the air for thirty seconds after he does it. You hold Ellie’s hand and stare at Joel the whole time waiting for something to happen. Waiting for raiders or infected. Nothing. You check on Ellie silently and wait another forty seconds before going to step into the store.
When you glance back up at Joel from Ellie, he is looking past you, over your shoulder. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. Like they did in that fucking field when you ran into the horde. Joel doesn't look at you, doesn't say anything. Ellie takes one step into the store before you can stop her--glass snaps and pops under her foot. Only Joel's eyes drop to look at what the sound is before his eyes snap back up to over your shoulder.
"Bug, get inside and hide." Joel whispers and basically pushes her into the store. You're a better shot with your revolver and pistol than you are on the M4, but it packs a fucking punch. A good one. It holds more ammo too so you grip it tightly in your arms and wheel around to see what is going to kill you.
It's not a horde, thank God. Oh Jesus Christ. Okay. It's still like, close to thirty and some of them are moving fast and that's terrifying to see at all-- just anything running at you, but this is just worse. Infected moving quickly.
Joel is the first one to shoot. He drops one clicker immediately and then it's chaos. The group turns and all of them start towards you and Joel.
"Can you hold-- 'em off? I'll get on…the mounted gun..." Joel says in between well placed shots. You're trying not to fucking pass out and piss your pants out of fear as you look through your scope and take out your first infected. Joel has taken out at least three by now.
"L'try." You're taking backwards steps towards the Humvee that is twenty or thirty feet behind you. Joel is sprinting there as fast as his body will allow him and you move more to the right, giving him more room to shoot and less chance to hit you. You are taking them out but also missing so much . Missing because you're walking backwards and also, this M4 is fucking powerful. You don't prepare for the kickback and you're shooting too high.
You plant your feet to the ground, take a deep breath– trying to calm your shaking hands, and aim for their heads. It's so easy but you keep missing. You just can’t settle your heart or your rapid, nervous breathing enough to aim well enough.
The mounted gun on the truck might be the loudest noise you've ever heard. Honest to God. It's like your eardrums are exploding and it makes you flinch and you hope and pray to fucking Satan because he has answered you so many fucking times that Ellie found a good place to hide that wasn't right inside the store because those bullets are piercing the side of Toys R' Us like it's not a brick and mortar. It's like it's hot metal cutting through Styrofoam.
Joel takes down all but one rogue infected that is dodging each of your guys' bullets somehow. It's not even trying. It's just moving in a way that neither you or Joel can hit it. It's...comin' right for you. Like, right for you . You're aiming right for its mold and spore covered forehead but the bullets are going right over its head.
"Joel..." You're taking nervous and stumbling backwards steps. He cannot hear you over the rapid gunfire. It's exploding in your ears as you walk backwards past the Humvee. Your carbine is out of ammo. Joel has to shoot it. You take out your revolver now and aim but you're shaking. That infected is getting closer and closer. You pop off two shots back to back. They both miss and fly right over it’s head. You keep shooting and keep missing.
Now that one infected has also moved out of range of the gun. There are twenty five feet between you and this infected. That's how far your body fell off the water tower. Half the distance your old house sat from one of those giant fucking holes inside the wall that surrounded Jackson.
You cannot hit this infected. Something is wrong with you. You haven’t been put under pressure like this in so fucking long.
One shot from Joel's loud hunting rifle pierces the air--this sound is starkly different from the rapid, snapping fire of the mounted gun on the Humvee, which lets go a barrage of bullets in quick succession. While the rifle's shot lingers, the Humvee's gunfire is relentless. The infected falls five feet away from you. You stand there staring at its dead body for way too long with an empty revolver aimed at it like it's going to jump up at you.
And if it did...you'd be able to do nothing.
Joel grabs you by the shoulders and snaps you out of your weird staring contest with the dead infected.
Ellie...
Inside is like walking into the past. It’s just how you remembered a Toys R’ Us to look. You and Joel start shouting her name. She doesn't answer.
"Squeak!" You shout, running up and down the aisles. Joel bumps into you as you guys start frantically looking in the store for your oldest daughter. The worst things go through your head. She ran away, she got shot and crawled away to some hidden shadowy area to die and you'll never find her.
She was never real and you've been imagining Ellie and Joel this whole time.
Just the worst fucking thoughts run through your head until Ellie skids to a stop at the end of the aisle you're sprinting down-- looking in between toys and boxes and games like she could fit on the shelves!! You're panicked but she runs to you and wraps her arms around your waist. You bury your nose in her stinky teenage girl hair and kiss her ten million times.
"Oh thank God, you're real." You whisper and almost squeeze her fucking head off. She snickers into your chest and hugs you tight. It's been a long, long time since you've hugged each other like this. "I love you so much, SqueakerBug. I do." She is the one to pull away but then she grabs your hand-- a big smile on her face as she pulls you in the direction she had just come from.
She has stock piled toys for Nora. So many. There is a giant pile of stuff she grabbed while you and Joel almost died. It has more than you could have ever hoped for. Nora is going to have the best first birthday and second because you’re grabbing stuff for that birthday right now.
Joel finds the two of you and embraces Ellie in a similar fashion.
"Sorry I pushed ya." He smirks down at her when she pulls away. She flips him the middle finger but is laughing when she does it. "What else can we get for Nora and TJ?" He asks, looking around the dark store with his flashlight. So much. So, so much. You're coming back with an empty car.
Puzzles, books, a rocking horse. Ellie grabs four baby dolls in every skin shade they have. You get a doll house and a giant play mat for Nora's bedroom since it’s just hard metal. Joel is grabbing wooden blocks, a train set that he’ll have to put together for her, he’s getting Lego sets, a plush Yoda doll. Joel also grabs a miniature toy kitchen.
“Ooo! She’ll need play food!!” Ellie exclaims. “I saw some.” She takes off back in the direction she had just come from.
“This is incredible.” You’re almost in tears looking at the sea of things you have to try and fit into the Humvee but you don’t even care. You’ll hold on to the roof or ride in the back with the gun. Nora deserves all these toys because she didn’t ask to be brought into all this. The least you can do is try and spoil her when given an opportunity. There weren’t many of those.
“Can we check out that record store?” Ellie asks curiously. You give Joel a shrug of your shoulders.
“Nothing in there we can’t fit into the truck, right?” You nod at him. “Think we have any more infected to worry about?” You ask nervously.
“Nah, I think if there were more around…they’d be her by now.” Joel looks around, just double checking to make sure that there were no infected running your way.
Once the truck is packed…to the brim. Ellie is going to have to sit on things and then hold stuff in her lap. You’ll have stuff down by your feet when it’s time to leave. You do explore the music stores for a while.
“Hey.” Joel whispers to you from across one of the tables that have all the CD’s and records lined up in alphabetical order.
“Huh?” You respond without looking up. You’re looking for a a Lil’ Kim CD you had back in the day but you’re in the wrong section.
“I found it.” He is smirking when you look up at him. You pinch your brows together.
“My Lil’ Kim CD? How did you know—” You stop talking when Joel drops his chin to his chest and gives you a look of knowing disbelief.
“No. Not yer’ Lil Kim CD.” Joel rolls his eyes. He holds up a CD that you’ve never seen before.
“Who is Lonestar?” You look at him skeptically. “Am I supposed to—” You gasp softly. “The song!?” You exclaim and nearly crawl over the table but opt to run around it instead so you can be next to him and touch him and the CD he has in his hand. “Do we have a CD player?” You look up at him hopefully.
“In the car we got from the hospital, yeah.” Joel nods down at you and slips the CD into his bag. “There is yer’ Kim lady.” Joel points and you pick it up.
“Notorious KIM. Can’t fuckin’ get any better than this.” You hug it close to your chest. Joel rolls his eyes. Ellie comes back with her bag stuffed with things. She’s also carrying a CD player. You look at Joel and nod. “Go get us one.”
“This is the last one.” Ellie smiles at you satisfactorily. You stick your tongue out at her.
“That just means I’ll be in your apartment more often. So ha.” You boop her right on the nose and Joel rolls his eyes. Your eyes flash to something over Ellie’s shoulders and you get an idea. You tap Joel on the shoulder and point to what you see.
“Why?” He wrinkles his nose.
“They’ll look so nice for the party.” You smile at him and he rolls his eyes again. He goes to get the soft white string lights on the top shelf. There are seven boxes and you have him get them all. They barely fit in the Humvee.
Tommy is staring at you from across his big wooden desk that he does not want. In an office that he wishes wasn’t his. He is also wishing you weren’t his sister in law anymore probably. You have to kiss ass now.
“So, I am sorry for those mean things I said.” You smile very nicely but there is still a weird energy in the room. Has been since you walked in.
“Whaddya want?” Tommy rolls his eyes.
“Well, I’d like for us to be able to talk again…” You keep smiling at him.
“Ya called me a bitch, Bird. That’s low… so low..” He’s shaking his head at you in disappointment.
“Well….” You tilt your head from side to side but Tommy gives you a stern warning pointer finger. “Okay. Can you really blame me though? Really? You were asking my husband to do—” You’re still talking when Tommy starts to talk over you louder.
“I know. I know what I was doin’, ya think I’m stupid– don’t answer that” He snaps at you when he sees you open your mouth to say something. “I’m stressed, okay? Nervous I’m gon’ fuck it all up,” Tommy looks at you with his laced fingers covering most of his face as he rests his elbows on the desk.
“I know. I know you’re nervous. I get it.” You do get it. This has got to be fucking terrifying. You hated when Joel had to step in for Tommy for those three weeks. The energy in the room has shifted though, he’s not mad anymore. He’s exuding fear. That is palpable right now as he looks at you.
“Dunno what I’m gonna do.” He shakes his head.
“I think we should throw a partyyy like we used to! ” You sing melodically to him. Tommy Miller stares at you with the little light he has left in his eyes. You think you’re witnessing dim further as he looks at you.
“Why?” He asks flatly.
“Well, it would be a great way to introduce everyone. Introduce yourself to the new people. Let them know what your role is here..” You’re nodding, trying to get him to nod along with you but it’s not working. He’s still staring. “Which is the leader and bringer of justice and the maker of the rules. You gotta shove that shit down their throat.” You mimic jamming something into your partially opened fist with your other fully closed fist.
“Yer’ husband didn’t fill you in on how horrible that might be?” He rolls his eyes at you.
“Oh no. He did. He just forgot who the fuck we are.” You lean forward and rest your elbows on your knees. “Between you and I…” You wait for Tommy to understand you don’t want this getting back to your husband.
“Between you and I…” Tommy nods and looks at you more intently. The office is completely still.
“Unless Bonnie was blowing smoke up my ass, which I don’t think she was— she seems like a nice lady– a real straight shooter… none of them have any guns.” You shrug your shoulders at him. “We keep it that way.”
“Whaddya mean? We give ‘em guns for patrol, for tree duty?” Tommy looks at you confused.
“If they have no guns in their apartments…like we do…why would they turn on us? We give ‘em everything they want…food, shelter, clean drinking water– Tommy…this place has hot showers… we keep giving them that… they’re gonna do whatever we say as long as it’s humane.” You sigh loudly. “I don’t want a fucking internal revolution, but we– as a community– have always looked out for each other.”
“You’re not wrong, I still don’t understand–”
“I don’t think we should bring one of them into this. Not yet. Not now. You’re right…if they don’t like it they can fucking leave. All of them. We did them a favor…they don’t appreciate it…they can get the boot too.” You nod and flick your eyebrows up at him.
“Ice fuckin’ cold Birdie-girl.” Tommy holds his hand out to you and you almost feel like your making a new pact with Satan when you slip your hand into Tommy’s. The safety of your family lies within this bunker though, so you’re not taking any risks. “You gon’ be in my ear now? Prefer you over Joel honestly, Ken too.’
“I still think you should bring Ken on as your number two. I really do. I think he’d give you more confidence in yourself to do this. You need someone who can really offer you support. Joel is good, and smart— Ken knows strategy… he’s a career military man. This is what he fucking does– he buckles the fuck down when it matters.”
Don’s POV
“So, how have you been?” Don is excited to see Joel. He hasn’t in a while— since all those new people came to the bunker, which Don wasn’t very happy about but, it’s not his choice.
“Alright.” Joel shrugs but seems distant– like he’s not really here.
“Do you have anything you want to talk about? Did you end up taking your wife—” Don is trying to figure out where to go from here. Joel has made exceptional progress when it comes to his anger and his coping abilities…but Don is learning that twenty years of…brutality can change a man into something that cannot be reverted.
“I did. We had a good talk.” Joel is still distant, short. Is acting like he doesn’t want to be here. So Don stays quiet and just enjoys the company of Joel’s presence. They do this often. There are a lot of things that Joel hasn’t told Don. Things about his Mother and Father. The kind of relationship he had with his brother growing up. What was his life like after his divorce from his ex-wife? There was still a lot that Don didn’t know about Joel.
“That all for today?” Joel chuckles like its a joke, but Don knows he wants to leave.
“It could be.” Don nods and shrugs his shoulders. “We don’t need to do this if you’re not up to it.” He watches Joel shift uncomfortably in his seat. “Something happen?” The sifting positions could mean a number of things– boredom, nervousness, a dislike for the person asking the questions.
“Dunno. I really don’t.” Joel snorts. “Watched my wife fuckin’ torture someone out in the woods the other day..” Joel shakes his head and sounds like it’s something that’s been bothering him.
“Why did she do that?” Don asks. He’s quite shocked at this news, you seem like a pretty kind woman, despite the things you’re going through, and you don’t seem like the type of person who would want to torture someone.
“Couple’a those raiders that attacked us in Jackson weaseled their way in…we found out about it.” Joel explains with a nod of his head but the air has shifted and now even Don is a little uncomfortable, and that doesn’t happen often.
“How did you know it was the same people?” Don asks curiously, finding it hard to believe that anyone would admit to that.
“Birdie found a bag of explosives in this one ladies room. I dunno what they were gon’ do with it… I think they were jus’ travelin’ with them… don’t think they were gon’ use it on us…this place is a fuckin’ gold mine.” Joel nods and Don and then sighs. “Birdie took it real personal– I dunno. She made a good point. Those people lied t’us, ate our food, took advantage of our kindness n’ they’re the ones who bombed us.” Joel shakes his head.
“I still don’t know how you’d know they were the exact–” Don starts but Joel cuts him off.
“That bomb bitch told Birdie she was there. Told her she set the explosives n’ then came n’ fought.” Joel shakes his head. “Tommy shot the guy who had been leadin’ ‘em. Birdie took care of Joan– that’s what she told me her name was.” Joel leans back in the chair and sighs loudly. “Just weird seein’ Bird like that. Didn’t hate it— between you and I…I was rock fuckin’ hard watchin’ that shit. That make me a fuckin’ sicko? Make me a pervert that I wanna tie her up n’ make her call me Daddy?” Joel spills all of this information willingly at Don and he does his best to take it all in, compartmentalize it and then work through it. It’s a lot.
“Okay. Do you want real answers to those questions or… are you just spouting off?” Don confirms that this is something that the man really wants to talk about. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and can make things tense very quickly.
“I do. Why do I like all that weird fuckin’ shit. Didn’t like her callin’ me that in the bedroom. She started one night when she was all high on weed brownies…” Joel admits like he’s ashamed of this.
“Was she…consenting during all of this?” Don asks carefully. Joel sighs again, loudly and rubs his hands down his face.
“I fucked up… a lot when she came home from the medical center after bein’ shot. I thought the girl had smoked weed before in her life…she told me herself she was a sneaky, bad kid…so I assumed she had.” Joel runs his hand through his hair now and sighs. “N’ I asked a bunch if she really wanted t'fool around, so many times n’ she said yes every time.”
“Okay. A misunderstanding. I…can see it… it’s not great, but go on.” Don understands that life isn’t black and white. He doesn’t really like hearing this…it’s predatory and Don did not pin Joel as a predator.
“She calls me Daddy durin’ n’ I ignore it at first…made me feel like a fuckin’ pervert.” Joel rolls his eyes and then looks at Don. “Then I did start likin’ it. A lot. More than a lot.” Joel grumbles. “We talked ‘bout all that shit with the weed brownie n’ everything. We both know it was a mistake.” Joel still sounds like he’s ashamed of himself.
“There isn’t anything wrong with terms of endearment in the bedroom.” Don nods and shrugs his shoulders.
“That’s an endearing pet name?” Joel scoffs.
“It can be. Yes. It makes you feel good because you feel trusted…responsible almost. Those feelings can strengthen the bonds you have with a partner. Isn’t always about… the child-like aspect of it. ” Don explains very carefully and Joel groans loudly like he had been avoiding hearing that word in connection.
“Don’t do that. Makin’ me fuckin’ sick.” Joel groans again, covering his face with his hands.
“You enjoy bondage— any other forms of BDSM?” Don asks curiously.
“Th’fuck is that?” Joel raises one eyebrow and it makes Don chuckle.
“Bondage and Discipline. B and D.” Don nods at Joel. “The D also stands for Dominance, which is where the S comes into play, Submission. S and M stand for Sadism and Masochism.” Don explains. The brain is a big part in all of those things, so Don knows them well. Joel stares at Don like he has seven eyes.
“You got all that from those four fuckin’ letters? Bullshit.” Joel snaps and makes Don laugh.
“Why would I lie to you about that?” Don is still chuckling. “I’m just trying to help you— please don’t take this the wrong way— but do you know what sadism and masochism are?” Don asks, not wanting to insult Joel’s intelligence. Not at all. Joel is a smart man…but…Joel also just asked what BDSM was, so now Don needs to be sure.
“Eh… let’s say I don’ t– what would ya tell me?” Joel finds loophole in admitting he doesn’t know and it makes Don laugh again.
“Well, a sadist is someone who has the tendency to obtain pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain and suffering upon others. Sometimes humiliation… Sometimes people can be sexual sadists, only wanting those things from a sexual partner.” Don explains very directly. No beating around the bush.
“And the other one?” Joel asks quickly, leaning forward in his seat, like he needs to know what the ying to this yang is. Don smirks and leans forward and hesitates for one moment to really let the anticipation hang in the air.
“A person who receives sexual gratification from being subjected to varying levels of physical pain and or sometimes humiliation. Doesn’t always have to be someone else. Sometimes that can come from themselves.” Don shrugs. He’s read about it all while he stays home.
Joel says nothing but Don is watching his eyes flicking back and forth in his skull. This is a cognitive processing skill. Usually the person is trying to search for information in their brain that they know is there…but it’s hidden or not available to them at the drop of a hat. They need to really look for it and that’s what Joel Miller is doing.
“Sound familiar?” Don asks after several quiet moments.
“If I said it did?” Joel barks at Don. The therapist doesn’t flinch or even blink at the response.
“Well, if none of this was present before the outbreak?” Don pauses for a response.
“Honestly…no. I’ve always been this way almost my whole life. Since my mom Died. Basically took my dad with her. Outbreak jus’ gave me a reason to fuckin’ act this way.” Joel admits, glaring at Don. “N’ for the sex…well…shit, I’ve always been like this. I dunno why.” Joel sounds ashamed of himself.
“Okay. That changes things a little, give me two seconds.” Don leans back in his chair, collects his thoughts about this new information. Don was sure Joel was going to say that the outbreak is what sent him into a sadistic life path.
It happens when times get tough sometimes. Anti-social behavior, a survival tactic, a lack of empathy. All those things. Joel stares at him. “It’s a lot. Are you ready?” Don waits for confirmation.
“Sure.” Joel rolls his eyes.
“You can become a sadist when bad things happen in life– you can be born one…” Don pauses to gauge Joel’s reaction but he doesn’t have one “The death of your mother– the loss of your father. You stopped having empathy for people, stopped being able to relate to people, and built walls. The outbreak fueled that fire. You’re no worse or no better than anyone else who is still alive. Your wife understands that now, too.” Don finishes and wonders what kind of man Joel would have turned into had the outbreak not hardened him and given him the opportunity to stop holding it in.
“I dunno…S’not like I go out lookin’ for people to hurt—” Joel starts but Don does have to interrupt him.
“No…that’s a different kind of issue– what you’re talking about. You just…get pleasure from it happening. Would explain your love for fighting…cutting people down…” Don had a suspicion but…didn’t know for sure. Know it’s confirmed.
“Me wanting to smack my wife ‘round in bed?” Joel blinks. “Normal?” He has hope in his eyes.
“In some circles, sure. Not everyone would understand that though..” Don shrugs.
“She gonna be okay? My Birdie-girl?” Joel asks softly, sounding worried. “After doin’ that, to Joan? Changed me the first time I fuckin’ listened to someone scream because of pain I inflicted on them..” Joel sighs.
“Depends on how she copes with it.”
“She wants to throw a fuckin’ party!” Joel exclaims.
Birds POV
Getting the biggest communal kitchen ready was easy. There was a wheelchair in the medical wing so now even Connie can come hang out again. Which is great because you love her but sitting in her bed with her gets old really fast.
“This is such a good idea.” She keens and looks up at you on a ladder, stringing lights up in the metal pipes of the ceiling. There were also white christmas lights in a box in a closet labeled holidays.
Ken found it while exploring last week. The lights already look so nice and Maria is doing them on the other side of the dining room area.
Joel and Ken went hunting yesterday down in Yellowstone and got a fucking black bear and an a giant fucking elk so now, you can actually eat real food. There is enough rations and powdered drink mix in the kitchens to make something for a party tomorrow night. Something will be happening tomorrow night. A party, a get together. Something.
“I know. I’m excited for everyone to meet you guys.” Bonnie says, helping with the lights by handing you pieces of string to tie the lights up with.
“I know, I can’t wait to get to know your crew. They seem nice now that those assholes are gone.” You grunt to yourself thinking about stupid Joan. Fuckin’ bitch.
“We’re all a little more at ease now that they’re not here. They all were on a hair trigger. It was intimidating.” Bonnie scoffs softly, mostly to herself. “People with all the guns are telling you this is what you’re gonna do and if you don’t like it…get the fuck out…it can be intimidating.” Bonnie confirms her original statement.
You feel kinda bad, about to be hidden in the shadows as Tommy becomes that intimidating figure but you’ll have another talk with him before the party. Talk about the delivery of it all because…if you’re nice about it, smother the intimidating threats in sweet words and promises of safety and community…what is there really to be intimidated of?
Once the dinging hall and kitchen is set up, you run to Tommy’s office and knock on the door. He calls you in. He’s alone, working on literal paper work. Figuring out ration stock and scheduling. Getting a chart together of all the apartment numbers and eventually the names of every person will go next to the corresponding apartment number. He’s got work to do.
“What’s up, Bird? Kinda busy..” He grumbles. You shut the door behind you and sit down across from him.
“Just got done talking to Bonnie a little. Was just comin’ to tell you that during your lil speech you wanna give tomorrow, you gotta really sweeten it up.” You nod at him and sigh deeply. “She said everyone hated how…threatening Joan and Issac were. We’re not threatening them…” You nod at Tommy.
“What happened ‘shoving it down their throats’ you seemed very adamant in that the other day.” Tommy nods at you now.
“You can still do all that stuff. Be firm. Mean what you say but…be fuckin’ nice about it.” You keep nodding. “Keep talking about community. We’re safe when we stick together because that’s all the fucking truth. We just want what we had back in Jackson…but safer…nicer… something to call ours…and they can be a apart of that… as long as they comply.” You speak softly like you’re trying to tame a wild horse.
“You say it like there aren’t a hundred scared people waiting for guidance.” Tommy scoffs at you.
“You’re gonna be fine. You’re gonna guide them…but Tommy….if you show fear up there they aren’t going to trust you.” You give him a stern warning.
“I know that. I fuckin’ know that. S’why I wanted Joel to fuckin’ do this.” He throws the pencil he had in his hand down on the desk.
“You have to channel your inner Joel. I know it’s in there. You shot Issac!! I know you got some scary Miller gene in there somewhere.” You nod at him.
“Joel got most of it.”
Notes:
^stupid sonofabitch, so stupid and handsome.
Chapter 46: The Night We Met
Summary:
I had all and then most of you
Some and now none of you
Notes:
TRIGGER WARNING.
i can't really tell you what it is. It's fucking rough though. So, just be aware and prepared. Fictional characters are fictional and their emotions are not real. they're not real. your feels are valid, so...you'll know when to stop reading if ya need to. Remember I love you all so very much.
the night we met- lord huron
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Birds P.O.V.
Getting this fucking party ready was a pain in the fucking ass. A big one. It took so much time and so much effort but it looks nice in this big communal space that everyone is now gathered in. Everyone fits in here. All two hundred and thirty of you.
The majority of the other group is women and children with maybe fifty strong men that can work and help build the wall. It’s almost done. There is still tree duty and everything going on, but…the people out there now still working are from your group and know that Tommy is the leader. It’s mostly patrol guys anyway- who already trust Tommy and wouldn’t want to see anyone else here in charge.
Ken also agreed to be Tommy’s second in command.
“It’s so nice seeing everyone mingling, getting along.” Bonnie says from a chair beside you. You’re watching over the seat of people from a second floor railing, enjoying a joint away from everyone. She’s smoking with you.
“I know. It almost feels like before our attack.” You smirk and hand her the joint. She nods and inhales slowly.
“Haven’t felt safe like this in a long time.” She blinks slowly and smiles at you as she passes the joint back.
“You’re...okay with…Tommy being charge, right? That’s just how it’s been… I know you said yesterday that it was a little intimidating with the other guys.” You really wanna know. You’re not just trying to gauge her reaction on the speech Tommy is going to give in a little while. She shakes her head and relaxes her face slightly.
“You guys seem like good, honest people. If Tommy is a good man, with good intentions…why would I be upset? I have a son to raise…I want him growing up in a place that has rules and justice– we had all that before we had to relocate.” Bonnie explains to you. “My husband and I respected the man that led us– his name was Michael– and he did whatever he could to ensure that we always had what we needed as a community.”
“That’s Tommy. Ken, too. This whole place is filled with good men and women– good kids for your son to befriend.” You nod. “I just don’t want anyone to be uncomfortable…you can tell we’re just getting settled in too, so…we’re figuring out our own rules right now.” You explain to her. “Things are different here than they were back in Jackson.”
"What about Salt Lake?" Bonnie asks with a flicker of malicious curiosity in her eyes. Your heart plummets into the pit of your stomach, anticipating the worst possible outcome.
“What about it?” You inquire, keeping a calm and collected tone. Bonnie just shrugs in response.
“You’re the one who wanted to know about those kids who had that story… you know what really happened there?” She asks inquisitively.
“What did they say happened there– what did they tell you?” You lean back in your chair and raise one eyebrow at her. She snorts softly and nods her head.
“The girl told me that her dad was a doctor at a hospital there. They had a lead to a cure. Her sister was a nurse and the young man's aunt was the other nurse that was helping this doctor.” Bonnie explains in a hush tone. You nod, not seeming to interested in her story. “They said a a man and a woman went in and shot everyone…kidnapped the girl…took her and they’re hiding her away somewhere– or they killed her.” Bonnie shrugs.
“Why would they kill her?” You wrinkle your nose. “Go through all that trouble to…kidnap someone, just to kill them? Stupid.” You scoff and roll your eyes.
“Some people grew accustomed to this life…this lawlessness. Some can’t imagine going back.” She nods at you. “Some want this chaos and suffering to last…forever.” She nods.
With a burst of energy, Tommy leaped onto the wooden table, his dusty boots skidding across its surface before he found his balance. He let out a piercing whistle, and three more joined in from different areas of the crowd. Slowly, the chatter died down until it was completely silent. Tommy grinned and nodded his cowboy hat to acknowledge the sea of faces before him.
Ken stands up on the table, looking so tall next to Tommy. His broad shoulders and muscular frame a reflection of his strength and leadership qualities. He nods confidently at the gathered group and his eyes show determination and loyalty to Tommy.
“Hello, everyone!” He shouts loud enough for everyone to hear. “I’m Tommy Miller…This is my wife Maria–” He points down to Maria and Tomas standing beside the table he’s on. “We’re the family you can come to if you guys have any questions or concerns. If any of y’all need anything at all, come to us. Ask us and we’ll either point you in the right direction…or we’ll help you ourselves, alright?” He still is speaking loudly enough for everyone to hear.
The crowd murmurs as Tommy lets his words sink in.
Tommy holds a hand to Ken.
“This is Ken Russo. He’ll be helping me out, he’s the one to go to if you can’t find me, or if I’m not here for whatever reason.” After Tommy finishes speaking, Ken waves his hand to the crowd, smiles and then steps down so the youngest Miller brother can have his moment.
“We’re a good community here. We just want things to stay safe, and happy. Make sure everyone is comfortable— those are our main concerns right now, is your safety, happiness, comfort– your health.” Tommy nods. “If any of y’all are sick we have doctors in the medical wing that are willing to help.”
“Real doctors?” Bonnie leans in and whispers to you. You frown for a second.
“I honestly don’t know… I think so. Saved me a couple of time...” You trail off and continue to listen to Tommy’s speech.
“We’ve all come from some bullshit– if I can be frank with everyone right now,” Tommy pauses and he gets a couple whistles and cheers from the crowd. “Having to relocate your families…lose your homes…it’s never easy– it’s never something you really want to do in times like this.” His voice never wavers and you’re proud of him for being so confident up there. He had been so nervous.
“This is your brother-in-law?” Bonnie asks in a whisper. You nod silently.
“I never really wanted to be put in this position– denied it a lot back in Jackson until my hand was forced–” Tommy starts and your jaw drops because that was not a part of the speech you had written for him!! No! He’s deviating! Dangerously! “I’m glad I have the opportunity now though, to be able to help you all and be here for ya. I know that trust is earned— goes both ways. We wanna trust you, and we want you to trust us, really. Our family– the big one, the one in this whole bunker, not just the one in your apartment at night…that's where my allegiance lies. Always will.”
Tommy nods and does a slow and steady spin on the table so he can see everyone. His face is serious but soft. He looks approachable and kind– but not someone to be messed with. He is perfect for this.
“My goal for this bunker is to make it damn near the safest place on earth,” Tommy laughs softly and points down to Tomas Jr. wriggling in Maria’s arms. “I gotta boy, I got nieces, and I see that some of you have kids of your own,” Tommy looks and then points at Connie in the crowd. “We got one kid on the way…” He smiles at everyone. “I just want a safe place for all these kids to grow up.”
The crowd erupts, Bonnie claps, too. Whistles and whoops from men and women all around fill the room. It makes Tommy laugh and you think you can see him blushing. You have goosebumps on every inch of your skin and the hair on your arms is standing up. Everyone cheers for Tommy like that for a moment then they all settle when he looks like he has more he wants to say.
“It’s not gonna be easy…or quick the things I have planned for this couple of acres of land we got here.” His softness is gone, replaced quickly with a firmness that was not there before but he’s still warm, still approachable. “It’s gonna take everyone– and I mean everyone. Women and teenagers. Kids can help in the kitchen if they ain’t old enough to go on patrol. Everyone helps because then everyone profits. No ones feelings get hurt– no one feels like they deserve more or anyone else should get less.”
“What if we ain’t got no kids.” Someone in the crowd calls out. You spot him while he is speaking. He’s from this new group– you’ve not met him yet. “It’s just me…am I gettin’ the same amount as a family of four? No.” He sounds like an asshole.
“So… this is gonna sound a little harsh, and I want everyone– not just the new guys, but the people from Jackson, too… if you don’t like it– you can leave.” He shrugs his shoulders.
The crowd murmurs softly and Bonnie shifts in her seat but you say nothing.
“No ones gonna force ya out… we’re not like that. No. If you ain’t a danger… that’s fine. You don’t wanna help out? That’s fine too… but the things that are shared among us as a group— how we deem fair and fit– will not be shared with those who don’t help.” Tommy nods and ninety-five percent of the crowd nods and mutters agreements. A few people seem upset.
“So…if we don’t wanna do patrol and we wanna just play nice in our apartment– go hunt our own food, supply our own things…we can’t do that?” A different man asks.
“Go right on ahead. No harm, no foul. If you come sniffin’ around for help or askin’ for food though…you better be prepared to work for it. We don’t do money here– doesn’t mean shit to us.”
“This is how we did things in New Mexico. Everyone took care of everyone– except for the ones who didn’t want the help or the care. Just a place to sleep.” Bonnie explains. “Those guys are harmless…just a little weird from everything that's happened since the outbreak.”
“Understandable.” You nod at her.
The rest of the party goes well. Everyone mingles. The groups don’t split off like you thought they would. Everyone meets everyone.
You feel a small, warm hand on your shoulder. When you turn around, it’s the couple with the baby boy. The woman, his new mother, is smiling at you so nicely. Your stomach drops into your ass but you smile back at her anyway.
“Hi… we haven’t seen you around much since that night in the medical center.” She says softly, like she is worried she might upset you. You do everything you can to de-ridgid yourself and soften your eyes.
“I’m sorry– I’ve been so busy.” You’re not lying. You have been busy but also…avoiding them. You don’t wanna look at the baby, you’re actively avoiding looking at the bundle in her arms.
“It’s okay! We understand. You just seemed real tired the night your husband brought us to him…so we didn’t really get to thank you for taking such good care of him.” She explains. “My name is April and this is my husband Mike.” She looks up at the tall, blonde haired man. They’re both in their early twenties. She is mousy, small and has straight brown hair. Her light brown eyes are big and bright. She looks like a kid herself still. She has a babies face.
“You’re welcome. It comes natural as a mom. You hear a baby crying and you kick it into gear.” You chuckle nervously and shift your weight uncomfortably on your feet.
“No, we really appreciate it. I dunno if your husband told you but…we’ve never had any luck trying…ever. So…it felt like a sign.” Mike explains wrapping his arm around April.
There is a commotion on the floor below you and a woman is screaming– Connie is screaming. You do not even say goodbye to the couple in front of you before you leave and rush down the stairs. You stumble, missing the last one and push your way past the crowd of people who have made their way around her.
Connie is in her wheelchair and Lucas is in front of her with his hands on her legs. She’s dripping— not in the good way. She’s dripping a watery, bloody mess from between her legs and that is never a good sign when you’re pregnant and…not close to being ready to give birth. She’s barely five months pregnant.
You kneel beside her and take her hand in yours and try to quiet her through the wailing. Doctor Jason is quickly on the other side of her. He looks at you over Connie’s crying and you already know she needs to get to the medical center.
“Lucas…” You put your hand on his shoulder and when his head snaps to yours there is just fear on his face. “I know.. I know. It’s so fucking scary but we gotta move right now, okay?” You’re calm. You’re not going to let your own fear make the father of this soon to be born baby panic anymore than he already is.
Jason is pushing Connie in the wheelchair and you’re holding on to Lucas’ one hand, leading him and with the other, letting Connie break your fucking fingers through her contractions. You know they suck. You did not have hands to hold during yours so you will stay here for Connie and do all the things for her that no one was able to do for you.
“What’s happening?” Lucas asks once the four of you are in the elevator. “Is..the baby coming right now?” He’s speaking slow, which isn’t uncommon for Lucas but this might be the most crucial moment of his life and he has no haste. That’s just Lucas.
“Maybe, I dunno. We’re gonna find out, make Connie real comfy.” You nod and squeeze Connie’s hand as she sobs. You lean down and press your lips to the side of Connie’s head. “It’s gonna be okay, sissy. I know it. You and the baby. Everyone’s gonna be okay.” You murmur into her hair as the doors open.
Jason pushes her into the medical wing and there is a trail of bloody, watery mucus on the floor behind him. You’re gonna have to clean that up– you do not even care. You step over it and follow Jason. Doctor Miles is running up the stairs, two at a time and pushing past you to get into the room behind Jason.
“Her cervix?” Miles asks Jason as they work together to get her up onto a hospital bed.
“Dunno, probably. We have to examine her. Nothing is sterile… we haven’t had any time to do anything.” Jason looks at Miles and shakes his head. “Takes fucking hours and we don’t have hours.”
“How the fuck did you guys sterlize anything in Jackson? What!? Pour some alcohol on it and fucking examnie her!!” You exclaim, pointing at Connie who has not been able to say a word this whole time. She is screaming and crying. That’s it.
“Jesus, if the baby comes out now it’ll be a micro-preemie. Even more at risk of infection– you want us to just rub alcohol on everything?” Jason snaps at you. “Get outta here.” He waves his hand at you.
“Fuck you. I’m staying with Connie. Eat my ass.” You flip him the bird and go to Connie’s side. She is writhing in pain. “Connie, you gotta relax a little, hon. You being all tense isn’t helping.” You’re speaking directly out of your asshole when you tell her this because you know that there is no relaxing– not during all of that. Hell no. “I’m sorry, Con. I’m so sorry. I know you’re hurting.” You whine to her softly because you feel so hopeless. Doctor Miles gets an IV in Connie’s arm– on the first fucking try, okay, it’s fine, he’s a real doctor, you try to not be offended even though he is saving Connie’s life right now.
“Birdie…” Connie groans from low in her throat, her eyes pan the room and then find you– she grips your hand in both of hers now. “It’s too earl–” Connie is cut off by another powerful, painful contraction.
“It’s okay, sister-friend. I’m here. I’m staying right here–” You look around for her husband who is still standing in the doorway with not one single drop of blood in his face. They’ve started to examine Connie and he is watching the whole thing. You snap at him with your free hand, loudly and rapidly. “Hey!!” You call to him. “Hey you big, dumb idiot! Your wife needs you!” You bark at him, but he does not move. He is frozen in place.
You cannot leave Connie to go get him, she has a vice grip on your hand and might actually break your fingers– holy fucking shit. You’re staring at Connie– and you know it, praying right to Satan that her baby stays safe. You’ve already promised him your soul, pussy, mouth– now you’re promising him your tight, puckered hole that Connie doesn’t have to grieve— and that you don’t have to grieve Connie, either.
Joel’s voice interrupts your your unholy prayers. Your head snaps over in their direction
“Get over there, right now. Yer gon’ regret it.” Joel is snapping his fingers in Lucas’ face while barking in his ear. Joel pushes Lucas into the room and then weaves him in and out of machinery and the two doctors. Once Lucas sees Connie’s face– he’s back to his normal, slow talking self.
“Baby…it’s gonna be alright.” He soothes her the best he can but she is sobbing and grunting through contractions. He peels one of her hands off of yours, thankfully, and holds it in his big, strong hands. “I know…” He leans in and kisses her shoulder though her t-shirt gently and the gesture brings tears to your eyes. “Might be scary…but we got each other. Right? S’what we always say.”
“She’s gonna have to start pushing.” Jason says from between her legs.
“What!?” Connie shouts in fear and anger and so many more emotions. “It’s too early!” She’s confused and so are you. Shit. She cannot have this baby this early.
“Connie…I have…” You’re attempting to pry her fingers off of your fist. “Gotta…go…” Your lips are tight as you really have to push your thumb under her index finger to try and ease her grip but you are going nowhere.
Joel is beside you with his hand on your back, leaning down from behind you with his lips to your ear.
“Whaddya need, baby?” He whispers softly. “You gotta get outta here– it too much?” He whispers with concern laced in his tone.
“No…” You’re still fighting with Connie’s fingers. “The..incubator…gotta clean– turn it on.” You’re struggling, Connie’s fingernails are digging into your hand as Jason instructs her to start pushing. “Sonofa…” You trail off and look back at Joel but his hand is gone from your back and he’s no longer in the room.
“Fuuuuuck.” Connie lets out a guttural cry of pain as her contraction subsides. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ.” She pants softly. You wipe the sweat off her forehead and push the hair out of her face as Lucas breathes words of encouragement into her ear.
“You got this, baby. You’re so fuckin’ good at everything you do, honey. I love you so much.” He’s whispering and kissing the side of her face as she looks at you.
“Is it almost over, Bird?” She sighs and then her face starts to contort in pain, she’s washed away in a another contraction. You take a peek between her legs and the sight you see makes your stomach disappear. The baby is already out and Doctor Jason is cradling it in one hand on what once had been a clean, white towel.
This tiny little baby is still, unmoving and gray. It makes your stomach twist inside you when you see it. Connie is still groaning in pain, unable to say anything and she hasn’t seen the baby yet. Your feet are tingling when you turn back to her. You can feel all the blood leaving your face but you do your best to stay strong for your found sister.
“You’re doing so good, so fucking good Con, keep pushing.” Your voice quivers as she continues to puff air out of partially closed lips. Your eyes flash to Lucas and he’s seen what you saw. He’s still looking at it, can’t tear his eyes away from it– her. A baby girl. Lucas is staring and you can see his eyes welling with tears.
You have a hard time keeping it together now with a sight like that. You bite down on your bottom lip hard, trying to keep the tears back.
Lucas looks to you now, his eyes narrowing on yours.
“You think that we could—”
You nod and this time you find the strength inside you to peel Connie’s fingers off your fist, or she just wasn’t holding on as tight this time. You stand off the stool you had scooted over to the side of her bed, and walk past Doctor Jason who has turned his back to Connie and Lucas, and is rubbing the stillborns chest fervently.
“Birdie—”
You hold your hand up to him and walk out of the room, towards the room with the incubator to tell Joel that it will not be necessary. You’ve never seen a stillborn baby before but…there was no life in that child. Hadn’t been for a long time, unfortunately.
There is that familiar burn in the cavities of your sinus’ and the stinging of tears in your eyes as you cross the threshold of this new room, where Joel is scrubbing the inside of the incubator.
“You don’t h-have to d-d-do all that.” You stammer around the lump in your throat and your tongue that feels like it grew three sizes in your mouth. Your heart feels like it’s barely beating.
“She not havin’ the baby yet?” Joel stops what he’s doing and stares at you with confusion on his face. You choke on the words you’re about to say and Joel sucks his teeth sadly, understanding what’s happened so you don’t have to say it.
Within seconds Joel’s body is swallowing yours. Taking your delicate form in his arms and hiding you away from all the pain that’s happening just down the hall. You turn your head and press the side of your face into his chest and just as Connie’s heart wrenching screams start to fill the medical wing– Joel covers your other ear with his calloused hand and holds you to him tightly. Deafening you to the horrors in addition to hiding you away from them. You’re almost untouchable–
You can still hear Connie’s keening wails of grief through the fabric of Joel’s shirt. Over the sound of his heartbeat. Over the blood rushing through the veins in his hand and wrist– the muscle, tendons and flesh; Connie can still be heard.
You would have stayed if Lucas hadn’t asked you to leave. You know why he did. You didn’t want to be there but Connie was basically your sister. You should be in there kissing the back of her hand and crying with her– that was your niece. Your found family.
This is too much. You need to be out of here. You pull away from Joel's embrace, your eyes wide and wild. The walls of the medical wing suddenly feel like they're closing in on you. Connie's cries echo through the halls, each wail piercing your heart.
"I need to get out of here," you choke out, your voice strained. Joel nods, understanding immediately. He takes your hand and leads you swiftly through the corridors, away from the anguished sounds.
As you emerge outside the bunker, you gulp in air you had been denying yourself greedily, trying to clear your head. Joel keeps a steadying hand on your back as you walk aimlessly into the darkness.
"Just breathe, baby," he murmurs. "Nice and slow."
You nod, focusing on each inhale and exhale. Gradually, the tightness in your chest begins to ease. You try to ground yourself— a technique taught to you by your mom— not your mom… Patti taught you this grounding method. The sounds of the distant forest buzzing and humming softly in the night air, the feeling of the cool night air on your face, the sight of the moon in the sky…the taste of blood?
You wipe your mouth with the back of your hand and the inside of your lip is completely raw and chewed apart— when did you do this? The blood is pooling in your mouth as you look up at Joel with panic in your eyes.
“Shit.” Joel grabs your wrist and turns your hand so he can see the blood, and then he drops your limp appendage and grabs you by the face, your cheeks cupped gently in his palms. “When did ya do that?” He nods his head down to the ground. “C’mon, baby, spit it out." His words sound like someone has their hands over there ears. You just loll your head forward and the blood trickles from your bottom lip onto the ground below you.
This isn’t really going on right now. This is all a bad dream. The memories of you outside, on the sidewalk, bleeding out come flooding back to you involuntarily and your stomach bubbles.
“Connie." You state softly, still looking at the newly growing grass. The holes had been filled— but that’s not what you should be thinking about. “Joel…the baby—-”
“Birdie…c’mon. I know. You don’ gotta say it,” Joel cuts you off, with his hands still on your cheeks, he pulls you up to look at him and you can feel blood drip down your chin.
“— is dead.” You look at him while you say it. “Connie’s fucking baby died. What the fuck? Is this really happening?” You stare at him, can’t pull your gaze off of him. Joel flinches at your words and grimaces.
“I know, Bird. I know. I wish I didn’t. I wish this wasn’t happenin’. C’mon; I know this is hard— for you. Not just Connie. I love her, but… I’m worried ‘bout you right now, baby. Yer goin’ t’see Patti first thing in the morning. I don’t care what you say.”
Notes:
sorry... i dont think chapter should get a gif... it's just too sad. :/
Poor Connie. :[
We'll check on her neck chapter.
sorry for my chapter lengths...for my own sanity they all are going to be shorter. sorry yall
Chapter 47: The Taste of Ink
Summary:
Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be
Now I'm ready to be free
So here I am, it's in my hands
Notes:
Just a trigger warning for some sensitive talks about child loss.
then you should buckle the fuck up.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
"Let's go inside," Joel said softly, his hand rubbing your back through your sweatshirt. You hadn't spoken to him in an hour, just sat on the damp grass with him, not caring about the wetness seeping through your clothes or the slight ache in your back from hunching over.
“I’m gonna stay out here for a while longer.” You turn your head to look at him but he’s just shaking his head no at you gently.
“Think ya should come inside, B. Maybe Patti would let you talk to her—”
“I appreciate what you’re doing but I don’t need Patti. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone. I need Connie’s baby to be alive. I need that.” You nod your head at him but you have no tears left inside of you to cry.
“Bird, c’mon. Y’know thinkin’ like that is gonna fuck you up even more than just accepting it, talkin’ about–” Joel is trying but you’re moving through these stages of grief more quickly than anticipated.
“Shut the fuck up, you don’t know shit about what I ne–” before you can even finish your sentence, you’re flat on your back staring straight up into Joel's intense gaze as his hand tightly encircles your throat. The newly sprouted grass and damp earth pillow your body as he pins you completely. In the moonlight, his body is caged over yours - an immovable presence. You struggle against him at first, but his hand is like a vice, and his forearm is pressing down on your sternum. Your hands automatically reach for his wrist and it feels like his grasp encompasses your entire neck. He glares down at you with a ferocity in his eyes.
“Who th’fuck do you think yer talkin’ to that way? Can’t be me.” Joel growls down at you. “ You shut th’fuck up.” Joel is working his mouth together, and you open your mouth to take it, but he spits on your lips before you can. “M’not the fuckin’ one– do you wanna know why, Birdie?” Joel's gaze bores into you as you look up at him, your lips slightly parted and his saliva dripping onto your tongue. A mix of fear and anticipation coursed through your body as he continued to hold you in place with his unwavering stare.
“Sor–” You try to apologize but you are unable to finish.
Joel's fingers expertly locate the pulse point on your throat, and his touch is gentle but firm. As he gradually applies more pressure, you feel a rush of dizziness and your hands instinctively cling to his wrist for support.
‘I said…do you wanna know why— I ain’t ask fer an apology? Now speak.” Joel nods down at you and none of the pressure is taken off your neck at all. You’re growing more and more lightheaded as he waits for you to respond. You can barely think of how to string three words together, let alone remember his question.
Joel shakes his head at you in disappointment and the constriction on your neck eases slightly, but his hand never moves from the space beneath your jaw.
“What did you ask–” You gasp quietly and feel a rush of dizziness. Your vision blurs and everything inside you feels as though it is floating as Joel’s hand cuts off the blood flow to your brain once again.
“Focus on me, Bird. Listen.” He speaks firmly and demands your attention as though every beat of your heart wasn’t battling with the pressure on your carotid artery. “I said– I am not the fuckin’ one to be spoken to that way. Would you like to know why?” Joel enunciates each syllable and every letter slowly, like you are stupid. You nod up at him, the throbbing in your head– not a pain, just a pulsing feeling in your brain– is keeping you from speaking. Joel says nothing but raises one eyebrow at you.
“Sure.” You barely get the word out, it’s strained and your hands are now squeezing Joel’s wrist as hard as you can. You don’t even know why. You’re not scared, you’re not upset with him, you actually feel…nothing and that feels so nice right now.
“Sure? You forget who I am? I know what th’fuck you need. I’m Daddy. ‘N you’re actin’ like I don’t fuckin’ know you?” Joel’s grasp on your neck is suddenly gone and the blood goes flowing back to your brain as it normally would, as if it hadn’t just been denied entry for over a minute.
“Sorry…” It falls from your lips like a weight, and you stare up at him with tears brimming in your eyes. Your husband leans down, his touch gentle yet possessive as he captures your lips in a kiss. His hand trails down the curve of your neck, his fingers brushing against your sensitive skin, soothing away the tension that had built between you. In that moment, all of your troubles fade away and you can feel nothing but his love and warmth enveloping you.
“Don’t be sorry. I know this is hard fer ya., I really do, but don’t get swept up in it. You gotta be here for Connie, still gotta be a mom ‘n a wife. Yer not gon’ let yerself slip back into some bullshit– neither of us can ever do that again. Do you understand me?” Joel tilts his chin into his chest and looks at you from under his brows.
“I understand... I won’t… I– I just…” You trail off and wrap your arms around Joel’s waist, holding him as close as possible.
“Shh. I know, baby. It’s gonna be alright. It’s gonna be alright, I gotcha, Birdie-girl." Joel soothes you with a gentle hand in your hair, brushing it away from your face. His body is a comforting, enveloping presence as he leans over you. You had never been scared when he had his hand on your throat, how could you be? He was your Joel. His hands had protected you more times than you could count, even from yourself.
Joel leads you inside the bunker, his arm still wrapped around your shoulder. You feel partially numb and disconnected from everything around you. You had thought that you were doing better, that your new life here had erased your painful past. But now, with the stark reminder of everything you went through delivering Nora, of almost losing your baby - your Worm -, you're not so sure anymore.
As soon as you step inside, Maria comes running up the ramp towards you and Joel.
"Hey...been looking for you two," she says, her eyes scanning your face searching for something. You can tell that she's worried about you. "Connie is asking for Bird," Maria continues, extending her hands towards you. You take a step back instinctively, feeling overwhelmed by the sudden weight of everything that has happened today.
Joel steps in front of you protectively, his hand on your back as he looks at Maria sternly.
"She's not goin’ anywhere right now," he says firmly.
Maria looks taken aback by Joel's reaction but nods her head in understanding.
"Okay...I'll go let Connie know," she says and turns to walk slowly back down the ramp.
You let out a shaky breath and lean into Joel's touch. His arms wrap around you tightly and he presses a kiss to the top of your head.
"It's okay...I don’t mind. I should go in there with her.” You look up and meet Joel’s gaze, his soft brown eyes are full of uncertainty. He wants nothing more than to take you safely home with him, but you need to be there for your friend— your sister. Connie needs you. She was there for you, even when you wouldn’t let anyone in, she still tried.
You won’t let her suffer the way you did.
You nod against his chest, feeling grateful for his strong presence and unwavering support. But with Joel by your side, maybe it won't hurt so much anymore. Maybe together, you can learn to move forward without letting your past define how you handle the terrible things that inevitably are going to happen in the future. They’re inescapable.
“Love you, B. I’m gonna—” Joel starts as Maria slides her hands inside of yours, starting to walk with you back to the medical wing, but she cuts him off.
“Go find Lucas. He’s a fucking mess right now. Tommy’s trying to console him somewhere but I dunno where they are.” Maria looks over her shoulder at Joel as she leads you towards the medical wing.
“Heard that.” Joel runs his hands through his hair and you can see him visibly start to sweat. This has gotta be hard for him, maybe even more than you. The loss. A real loss. Joel’s dealt with that before. This is…uncharted territory for you.
You had Nora. She was with Ellie and you were… outside getting choked by your husband? Okay. It’s fine. You’re a good mom and a good friend and you’re going to be there for Connie right now.
When you enter the medical wing, she is crying softly, Patti is sitting beside her, holding her right hand. Ellie and Nora are there too, which makes you happy and also sad. Your presence is felt by Connie and she looks up, her face contorts immediately and she starts to wail.
“H-H-He left. He’s g-g-gon’ leave m-meee.” She sobs and chokes. You rush to her, dropping Maria’s hand. You had never let her go on the walk down here.
“Did he say that?” You growl with your brows pinched together. Now your sadness is replaced with anger and murderous rage. Joan might need a friend out there, in the woods. Connie shrugs her shoulders, tears roll down her cheeks as she looks at you.
“We– he– I dunno. He just told me th-tha-that th- the b-b-b-b—” She stammers, unable to free the words from her mouth. Her body is shaking as she sobs.
“Connie…I’m sure that Lucas just needs a minute to process this himself. This is a terrible loss for everyone involved and sometimes grief makes people do things they wouldn’t normally do.” Patti explains in her perfectly calm and soothing voice. Connie hiccups as she tries to draw in breath.
“I already sent Tommy and Joel after him.” Maria says from the doorway. “But until he comes back, we’re all right here, sweetness.” Her voice is also soothing and comforting.
“Con, I know this is a loaded question, but can we do anything? Get you anything? Do you want some different clothes?” You ask, looking at her ‘formal’ wear of a flannel shirt and her denim jacket over top of it. No one had changed her yet into a gown– there hadn’t been time.
“I jus’ want everyone to stay…” Connie nods, sniffling.
“I’ll go get whatever you want, Aunt Connie.” Ellie tries to hand Nora over to you but you shake your head at her.
“Where is Dina?” You whisper into her ear after taking a couple steps back from the bed. Ellie looks up at you and her eyes flash with anger for a moment.
“She took off pretty early into the party with that boy Jesse.” Ellie rolls her eyes and frowns. “Dunno where she went.”
“Do you think Dina would wanna be here for Connie?” You ask Ellie with soft eyes and take Nora from her now. “If you think she would…maybe be a good friend to her and go tell her what’s going on.” You nod and Ellie frowns. “I know it’s a little weird between you two right now, but she was there for you and helped you a lot when you needed her. Repay the favor and be a good friend back to her, okay?” You remind Ellie of how big a help Dina was those particular three months that Ellie had to basically raise Nora.
“Fine.” Ellie groans and nods her head.
“Thank you so, so much.” You wrap one arm around her back and pull her into a hug. “I love you. You’re such a good person, Ellie.” You kiss the side of her head and she takes off out of the hospital room running.
Joel’s POV
When Joel does find Lucas and Tommy, he’s already on the verge of a panic attack. As much as he dislikes talking about Sarah with anyone, having to do it in a situation like this is going to be so much harder.
Lucas and Tommy are both on a couch in an entertainment room. Lucas has his head in his hands and he’s crying softly. His voice is cracking with every word he speaks to Tommy and it makes Joel’s heart break. Not just for Lucas, but for his younger brother who has taken on so much of the grief from people he cares about after they lose a child. This is at least his second time having to console someone like this
“Hey, man…” Joel has more to say but it’s getting caught in the back of his throat every time he tries to apologize. Lucas doesn’t look at Joel or even acknowledge him.
“This isn’t really happenin’...” Lucas weeps and Joel takes a seat on the couch on the other side of him. Tommy looks at Joel helplessly, his eyes filled with fear and sadness.
“Lucas, I’m real sorry, buddy. I am…but your wife needs ya.” Tommy is rubbing Lucas’s back steadily. “Connie needs ya.”
“Connie can’t see me like this.” Lucas’s hands are still covering his face and his words are muffled behind the heels of his hands.
“Connie needs you more than she cares ‘bout you cryin’.” Joel offers, knowing it’s the truth. Connie would rather have her husband there, crying right alongside her.
“I’m bein’ a giant pussy–” Lucas starts, but Joel doesn’t let him finish
“Hey, shut th’fuck up. You sayin’ that when I cried when my daughter died the night of the outbreak– that I was a pussy?” Joel growls angrily. “You meanin’ to tell me that I was pussy for cryin’ both times I thought my wife was gon’ die?” Joel gets in Lucas’ face, and stares at him, trying to tone back the malice and bring forward the comfort. “You don’t think when Tommy found me in the woods the night Bird was attacked, that he wasn’t cryin’ his fuckin’ eyes out? Was he a pussy for havin’ feelings? Like a fuckin’ human being?”
“Joel, c’mon…” Tommy’s tone is making it seem like Joel is taking it too far, but Joel has Lucas’s attention now, so he carries on.
“You cry. Get it the fuck out so y’can go be a good husband. Go cry with her for fuck’s sake! She needs you right now… not my wife, not Tommy’s wife. She needs her husband.” Joel grips Lucas’ shoulders gently. “I know you think that life is over right now– it feels that way— it might feel that way forever, but it ain’t true.”
“I dunno if I can do th–” Lucas starts but Joel gives him a firm slap on his cheek. Lucas startles, but his eyes focus on Joel again and he’s no longer sniveling.
“You have’ta.” Joel nods. “You got Dina to take care of. You got Connie to love forever. C’mon… let’s take you back to your wife. C’mon, man.”
Joel and Tommy walk Lucas back to the medical center slowly, each of the brothers keep one hand on their friend’s back to comfort him.
Joel watches you from the doorway when Lucas enters the room. Your expression flickers with anger before you see how torn up Lucas is. Your face softens and you offer him your seat to be beside Connie. You haven’t even noticed Joel yet. You’ve barely taken your eyes off Lucas since he walked in.
“I’m s-sorry, baby.” Lucas whispers to Connie and now, Joel wants to be anywhere else. Anywhere besides here.
TWO YEARS LATER ⇉
Bird's POV
Things are different.
It’s been two years since the party in the communal kitchen and the tragedy that struck Connie.
Things are very different.
Wyatt Miller. You’re looking at him right now, sleeping in the crib that used to be Nora’s. Now it’s his.
He’s your perfect boy, everything you could have ever asked for in a son, and he is six months old. Nora is the perfect big sister, except for when she is terrible. Which is almost all the time. She helps run this bunker with her Uncle Tommy and her cousins, Tomas Jr. and Aletha.
Aletha and Wyatt are two months apart, he is older. Wyatt is named after Joel and Tommy’s father. Aletha is named after their mother.
“We’re naming him Wyatt.” You rub your hands over your eight month pregnant belly and you feel fearless. No one here wants to steal your baby. Everyone is so excited for you and Maria and Connie. Everyone is so happy that Connie has gotten another chance at motherhood, and that you’re all having your babies together. It wasn’t even planned.
“After their Dad?” Maria squints at you through her lashes almost like she doesn’t believe you.
You nod and give her a quizzical look.
“Yes, why?” You raise one eyebrow, waiting for an explanation
“Tommy and I were thinking of naming her after their mother,” She says it like she’s hesitant to admit this. Your eyes go wide –
“Do you think they planned it?” You press your palm to your stomach where Wyatt is kicking you.
“I doubt it. It was my idea to name her after their mom.” Maria chuckles. “Tommy talks about her all the time.”
Your heart pangs because that’s still not something Joel likes to talk about, but he’s opened up so much; about Sarah and his father. His ex-wife. He’s been opening up, but his mom is hard to talk about.
“Joel was convinced that Nora was a boy, so we had decided on Wyatt so long ago. We never thought we’d get another chance,so when I found out I was pregnant and that it was a boy–for real this time - it just seemed like…it was meant to be.” You smile at Maria happily.
Things are so very different.
You quietly close the door to the babies’ shared bedroom and walk out to the living room where Joel is reading ‘We’re Going On A Bear Hunt’ to Nora, doing all the voices and all the sounds. You lean against the wall and can’t help but fall more in love with him.
“...we can’t go over it…” Joel shakes his head at Nora who giggles and shakes her head back at him, her long, messy brown curls tumble around her round baby-face.
“We can’t go unnner it!” Nora exclaims excitedly with her little mispronunciation and giggles of anticipation. In unison, Joel and Nora exclaim—
“We’ve gotta go through it!”
Except Nora says through as ‘frew’. She is still giggling and so is Joel as he flips to the next page.
“Keep goin’, Pops .” Nora demands and Joel furrows his eyebrows and narrows his eyes on his middle child.
“Told you to stop callin’ me Pops . What happened to Papa? I liked that.” Joel grumbles.
“Pops better.”
You snort at this interaction. It happens at least once a day.
You use Ellie’s CD player all the time and introduce Nora and Wyatt to all kinds of new music– well, new to them. They love it and it’s enriching and when you dance with them you see them smile and know you’re a good mom.
You and Joel get to listen to ‘Amazed’ by Lonestar whenever you want. He slowly dances you around the living room after Nora and Wyatt go to sleep, and he whispers how much he loves you in your ear.
“Yer gon’ be with me forever, B.” Joel’s warmth radiates off of him and you steal it, soak it up and wear it proudly in the form of beads of sweat on the nape of your neck and the center of your back. The hollow of your throat is slick with the heat of your desire for him, even though both of you are fully dressed and slow dancing in front of the couch listening to what would have been your wedding song –had you had a first dance.
“I already knew that.” You smirk with your cheek pressed into his chest. “Are you just figuring it out now?” You tease him and his hand on your side pinches you gently.
“I knew in the hospital,” Joel whispers. “Knew that if I got you outta there… I’d never leave you.” He kisses the top of your head gently. “You were mine long before that though.”
“I sure was. Your crybaby.” You close your eyes and breathe in his natural scent.
“Still are… always fuckin’ blubberin’ about someth–” Joel snickers gently and holds you close to him as you struggle to pull away. “Knock it off, I’m teasin’ you. You’re not a crybaby…not outside of our bed… not anymore.”
You ease back into him, wrapping your arms around his waist instead of resting them on his shoulder and side. You listen to his heartbeat in his chest, the sound of him breathing and everything is calm.
You hadn’t dealt with postpartum this time around. You had been scared your entire pregnancy that you were going to slip back into the mind-numbing depression that almost took your life three years ago. Not this time. You stayed grounded and went to Patti when things felt wrong. You spoke to Joel with honesty when you struggled.
Joel was present. Not drunk. Not sad. Not pushing you away. Joel was there. I
So much was better and different this time, and as your family grew and strengthened, so did the community.
When you go above ground now, there is a whole little town. You have several greenhouses– the metal framed kind, with clear plastic tarps stretched over top. One for veggies, one for fruits, and there was even one just for weed that Tommy and Maria took care of with the help of a select few. That’s the only greenhouse that has its own patrolmen.
There are real stables and a barn now. The stables house the horses and the barn has some goats and sheep that were found in Yellowstone. Hunting for bison and elk is done weekly and your freezers and fridges are kept stock piled for anyone who wants it— as long as they participate in the shared workload.
Everyone does help now– without a fuss and without question. Even the two men from Bonnie’s crew who had wanted to stay to themselves ended up joining a hunting team that Jeff and Daniel ran.
Then there’s the bar. Joel only goes there with you or sometimes Tommy when they’ve had a particularly hard day keeping up with everything that needed doing for the bunker. You never had to worry about Joel spending his nights there, or hiding away after work instead of coming home to his family. So much has changed since Jackson.
Ken had stepped down a year into his position as second in command to take over the role of armorer. That’s what he really wanted to do, it allowed him to spend more time with Patti as well.
Patti and Ken– your found mother and father. The ones who had been handpicked and delivered to you by…maybe not Satan because these guys are good. They’re so good to you and your family. They love your children as if they were their own grandchildren.
Nora calls them ‘Nana and Pop-pop’, and Ken and Patti cannot get enough of it. Ken’s been Pop-Pop since the minute she could give him a name and she’s never called him anything else.
Nora cycles through things to call Joel. Started as ‘dada’ and then went to ‘dad’ which Joel didn’t care for. One of her favorite books is called ‘Pappy Loves Me’, so she used ‘pappy’ for a while and that was hilarious.
When she landed on Papa you could see it in Joel’s eyes that he loved it. His face would light up when her little voice would call out for ‘Papa’ from her bedroom– you could feel every tense muscle in his body soften. You could see Joel melt a little every time she said it.
Now he’s just Pops. One night after a few drinks, he told you the only reason he doesn’t like that name is because it just feels like a shortened version of Ken’s. “My baby girl doesn’t think her own dad is worth the extra syllable.” He pouted. Joel’s too soft when it comes to his girls. You always tell him that he’s just asking for a broken heart and hurt feelings.
Something— no. Someone was missing from your family. An integral part of how you and Joel came to love each other so, so deeply was your shared love for Ellie, and she’s gone now. Gone to see what else this desolate fucking wasteland had to offer her. You almost understand her need to explore and see what else she could have to call her own, but you were supposed to be her own! Her own mom and her own dad. Her own siblings. Ellie hadn’t even met Wyatt. You hadn't realized you were pregnant when she left, so she doesn’t even know that he exists.
Ellie being gone– even though it’s been a year - still doesn’t feel real. She said she would be back. She said she would come home to you and Joel soon.
What is soon? It’s been a year already and to you soon was maybe three months so where the fuck is your daughter? Why have you not seen her in so long? What is soon? What does that even mean? Soon could be five years in the long life Ellie has.
Five years? Really—
The incessant knocking on the door to your apartment pulls you back into orbit and back into your body because you had been stuck in your thoughts way out there in space.
Not anymore.
Your eyes meet Joel’s for only a moment before he stands from the couch and your skin is already stippling with goosebumps. Joel isn’t even at the front door before you have Nora in your arms, awaiting the worst.
When the door opens, Jeff is standing there, his chest rising and falling with his labored breaths. Joel is trying to get him to come inside but he can only shake his head and from over his shoulder you see people running– you can hear them shouting and yelling. Voices that you know are shouting directions— orders.
Jeff is finally able to choke out the message that he had run so hard to bring, and you feel your own breath freeze in your chest when he says,
“A… horde…. A…. big one….”
Notes:
^his face when he realizes what he's gonna have to do...probably watch you almost die again...Also, sorry for the time jump. I was stuck and didn't know how else to move the story forward without it being so tedious. especially after what happened with Connie last chapter? I figured we needed to jump and see what the future looked like a little.
Thank you the the lovely corbeaux for beta-ing and making this readable. I dunno how I scraped by without them before <3
Chapter 48: It's Called: Freefall
Summary:
Scratch, kick, let gravity win like
Fuck this, let gravity win like
You could leave it all behind
Even the Devil need time alone sometimes
You could let it all go
You could let it all go
It's called free fall
It's called free fall
Notes:
SPOILERS: For those of you who didn't play the game and are waiting for season 2, I spoil something. I do, I spoil it right the fuck up so, I apologize. Crazy thing is, I don't even know if it's a spoiler yet, so... read with caution.
Love you all <3
it's called freefall- rainbow kitten surprise
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
A what!? A horde!? And it’s big!?
Fuck.
Nora is already in your arms and you’re rushing to get Wyatt out of his crib. Setting Nora down for only a minute so you can quickly but carefully scoop your sleeping son from his crib.
Once he is nestled into your chest, still sleeping, you scoop Nora up under her rump and carry her back out into the living room. You’re ready to take Nora and Wyatt to Patti, Joel is already lacing up his boots with his jacket on. He glances up at you with the children and he nods.
“Take’em there right now and then meet me in the armory.” Joel's deep voice resonates in your chest for several seconds before it clicks what he says.
You nod nervously, slipping on your boots that do not need to be laced. You fumble trying to grab your jacket off the hook with the kids in your arms, but Joel grabs it for you.
“I’ll bring it, sorry I gotta get down there before everyone fucks everything up,” He throws your jacket over his arm and looks down at you. “Hurry. I love you.” He leans down and kisses your forehead quickly.
You have a wall and a moat and so many weapons that it’s not fair to whoever tries to come in here, but infected…are different.
They’re dangerous– just being within close proximity of them is dangerous. Killing them means having to leave the safety of the wall to burn them so they can’t spread the infection. It’s worse than just killing other people. You can leave them there to rot. You cannot leave the infected.
Running to Patti’s with two babies is so hard and you’re so tired of having to do this. It’s only the second time, but still; it’s so scary. Maria is running on the opposite side of the bunker, you see her on the landing across the vast empty space between you two. She has TJ and Aletha in her arms, and she’s headed in the same direction as you.
Connie is already outside Patti’s door, letting herself right in and you follow, leaving the door open for Maria who is close behind. The apartment that she and Ken share is so far away from your apartment and you’re out of breath from limping with your two fat children. Not fat– healthy. Still fat.
Patti’s apartment is a sanctuary in moments like these. You step inside with Nora and Wyatt, almost stumbling as you scan the room for the familiar faces of friends transformed into family. The familiar scent of Patti's perfume envelops you, and you’re struck with a sense of security. But that comfort is short-lived as you step over the threshold, panic gnawing at your insides. Patti strides toward you, eyes wide and alert, ready to take the little ones from your arms.
“What’s going on?” she asks, her voice steady but laced with concern.
“They’re coming. A horde,” you manage to breathe out, heart pounding in your chest as if it’s trying to escape. You hand Wyatt over to Patti; he lets out a yawn mixed with confusion before snuggling into her warmth. Nora clings to your leg, her big brown eyes mirroring your anxiety.
“Where’s Papa?” Nora whispers, her small voice breaking through the dread swirling in your chest. She is your guiding light in the storm.
You gather yourself, kneel beside Nora and cup her face in your hands. “He's just making sure everything is okay,” you reassure her, keeping your tone steady despite the tightening knot in your stomach. “He’ll be right back.”
The sound of distant yelling and chaos begins to seep through the walls like an unwelcome specter.
Nora sniffles and her frantic eyes look all around as the noise grows louder and more chaotic, "Mama, m'scared." Her little arms wrap around your neck and she presses her head into your neck and shoulder. "Stay, Mama-- Mama stay, peeeease stay." Nora's little voice and her inability to say her 'L's' while cries into your neck makes you nauseous.
You grip her tightly, holding her head against you as you stand, "Wormy-girl, it's gonna be okay. Mama and papa are gonna come right back, okay?" Your words soothe neither of you and Nora continues to wail, and you feel tears filling your eyes. "Shhhh, baby. It's okay. Mama loves you so, so much. You and Wyatt and Ellie." You're whispering into her ear and her arms tighten around you. "Baby Worm, you gotta go to Nana," your eyes meet Patti's and she nods, setting Wyatt down in the crib she has in her living room. "I want Pop-pop..." Nora sniffles quietly into your shoulder.
“Where’s Ken?” You ask, scanning for him in the cramped space filled with toys and makeshift barricades.
“He’s at the armory,” Patti replies briskly. “Where he always is!” She exclaims in sudden agitation. "Sorry. He loves those guns more than he loves me, I think," she sounds exasperated as Nora makes the transition into her arms easily and on her own.
You kiss the back of Nora's head ten billion times, "I love my little Worm. Mama-Bird will be back soon," You whisper into her dark, messy curls. You pull away and look at Patti, "I love you, thank you for being so good to me and my babies," you nod and pull her into a hug.
"I love you too, Birdie-girl," Patti holds you close and smooches the side of your head as you pull away. "Be careful," she warns in a stern, motherly tone.
Connie wraps her arms around you as soon as you pull away from Patti, “We’ll keep them safe here until it’s clear out there. Lucas should already be there.” she explains, holding her four month old daughter, Melody in her arms. “Stay safe out there, Birdie. I love you.” She whispers and gives you a quick hug. You blow kisses to the small baby in her arms.
“I love you both so, so, so much.” You gush to your found sister and your niece. You blow kisses to Connie, and Patti who is rocking a still weeping Nora in her arms. “I appreciate both of you.” You flick your eyes between her and Connie as you turn to limp out of her apartment.
Maria stops short of slamming into you, she’s got the same fear and anxiety in her eyes that you do. There is a brief moment where Maria and you speak to each other with your scared eyes and she tells you that this is bad– real bad.
Your stomach drops into your asshole– its favorite vacation spot, apparently, and you push past Maria without a word. Just a comforting and firm hand on her bicep.
You steel yourself and push through the doorway, leading the way out into the increasingly chaotic corridor. You can hear shouts now, some coming from familiar voices that send chills down your spine. Each step feels like a countdown to something wild and uncontrollable.
How bad can this really be? You have a reinforced wall. You have the fucking moat! You have guns and flamethrowers. You’re going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine and everyone is overreacting.
The atmosphere says differently when you enter the armory and nearly every single off-duty patrol person is in here. People are still pouring in from the main entrance of the armory as you slip in from a side door, and limp your way through the growing sea of people to get to your husband.
“It’s bad, B. Tommy says it’s the most infected he’s ever seen.” Joel explains as you put on your jacket. As soon as it’s zipped up, your M4 is being pushed into your chest. You wrap the strap around your shoulder and Joel gives you a hunting rifle with a scope on it. Once that's strapped to your shoulder, Joel wraps a belt of grenades around your waist. You lift your arms so as to not get in his way.
“We’re gonna be fine.” You nod, trying to make yourself believe those words more than your husband. He smirks up at you as he fastens the belt around the waistband of your jeans. His rough fingers brush against the soft skin on your stomach and for one second, everything stops and he looks up at you, his chocolate brown eyes are your ground force in this craziness.
Joel is your tether. When his lips start to move so he can speak, the noise around you returns and the bodies are moving again.
“That’s m’girl.” Joel nods and stands once your grenade belt is fastened securely. There is an unknown hand on your shoulder from behind. Joel’s eyes flash to it and he frowns until he sees who the hand is connected to.
It’s just your dad, Ken. He’s gladly and happily taken on this role. He’s…the best dad you could fucking ask for, but you do not have time to think about all of that right now, not even a little bit.
"I'll take her up, unless…" Ken offers as he straps on his bulletproof vest and checks his loaded weapons. He pulls a bandanna out of his back pocket and ties it tightly around his face.
"Naw, you can take her-- just don't fuckin' let your guard down," Joel grunts, giving Ken permission to lead you out of the bunker by your arm.
You don't resist, too consumed by panic to think for yourself.
"Never. She stays by my side, right, Bird?" Ken's piercing blue eyes bore into yours.
"Always," you nod, feeling small and vulnerable under his intense gaze. "How far off are they?"
"Jeff said about a mile and a half. We've still got time." Ken gives you a reassuring squeeze before pushing you towards your husband.
Joel kisses your forehead once more, his voice barely audible over the sound of the crowd of people around you.
"I love you. Be careful. Stay safe."
"I love you more," You wink back before Ken grabs your arm again and guides you towards the exit. The cramped hallway is now filled with bodies all moving in one direction, determined to keep this place safe at all costs.
Bonnie and a couple of women that you’ve befriended over the years, Jane, Kelly and Suzette, are already outside, armed. Bonnie catches your eye and makes her way over to you. The rest of the women follow her as the six of you make your way towards the stairs that lead to the top of the wall.
"We're gonna need all hands on deck for this bullshit" Bonnie states, her eyes scanning the crowd for any signs of weakness.
The signs of weakness within the larger group were undeniable. Many of Bonnie's crew lacked combat skills, and the majority of their own defensive and offensive players had either died during the attack in Jackson or never returned. It was a harsh reality, but it was the truth.
You nod in agreement, knowing that this is not going to be an easy fight. But then again, none of them ever are.
"Where's Maria?" You ask Jane as you look around for her.
"She's still inside, making sure everyone is safe," Jane replies, the worry evident in her voice. As confident as you are in everyone's abilities, you have no real fear about a breach in the wall. Not at all. You just can’t believe that this is actually happening.
You reach the top step and don't have to actually see the horde to know that it's the biggest one you've ever encountered.
It's a deafening roar that echoes through the air. It feels like it's shaking the very foundations of the once peaceful community. This is unlike anything that has happened in the past two years since everyone arrived. A horde of infected, numbering in what looks like at least two hundred if not more, is charging towards your walls with mindless rage. The host inside the once human brain makes them violent and have no discretion.
The earth shakes beneath their footsteps, a stampede ready to shatter any defenses. Your heart quickens as you realize this is a battle none of you has ever seen. Now, here they are, clawing and snarling at your door, determined to bring down everything you've built, and maybe kill all of you.
Nora, Wyatt, Tomas Jr. and Aletha– all their little, innocent faces run through your head as Ken pulls your frozen-in-place feet into action.
Ken and you take your position on the west side of the wall. You both have an exceptional view of your oncoming slaughter. You are trying so hard to stay positive, to stay hopeful but those feelings are already fleeing from inside of you. Distant memories now that you’re looking through the scope of your hunting rifle.
“Why’re they moving so fast?” You whisper to Ken even though it doesn’t matter who hears you. That horde is closing the distance on your wall like they were all formally invited with mailed invitations— and they were late to the party.
“Dunno. Some of ‘em aren’t… that’s what’s worryin’ me.” Ken whispers back to you and points to your left. You scan the gun across the wall of infected moving towards you and that's when you see the bloaters. Moving slowly but with meaning.
“Shit.” You hiss quietly and then flinch when the first gunshot goes off.
For one second you’re angry. Why would anyone shoot with the infected being this far away? Who is wasting ammo like that!? The commotion after the gunshot has you curious, so you tilt your head back to see what everyone to the right of you is looking and pointing at. They’re all hanging with their torsos hanging over the edge of the wall looking straight down.
When you and Ken followed their gaze and pointed fingers, your already cold blood freezes in your veins. Stalkers have attached themselves to your wall. You can count seven of them already and you have just started looking.
“How the—” Ken sounds just as shocked as you feel.
How did this happen? There was patrol on the wall twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week? How did this many fucking infected get this close to your home and no one had noticed? That just doesn’t sit right with you, not even a little bit, because you do patrol. You check this wall at least twice a week and they hadn’t been there three days ago– not on your last duty.
Ken pulls a gun from his holster that you know— you don’t know this gun, but you know the model. It’s a Smith & Wesson Model 500 and it has a scope on it. You’ve never seen that before. S&W M500 holds the most powerful handgun cartridge; a .500 S&W Magnum.
Smith and Wesson unveiled this new ammunition the year of the outbreak.. So it’s very limited but it’s powerful. It can take a bloater out in two shots. With a regular 9mm it takes almost an entire clip of six rounds. You had to make every single shot with one of those things count.
“El Diablo.” Ken holds it out to you for you to hold and inspect. Feel the unbearable weight of it in your grasp.
“The Devil.” You chuckle softly. “I sold my soul to him once— to save Nora.” You look up at him while handing the revolver back to him.
“Damn. Heavy shit. You think he’s waitin’ for ya?” Ken takes the M500 back from you and checks the scope, pops the cylinder out and checks the bullets in the chambers.
“He sure fuckin’ is. I made him a looooot of promises.” You shake your head, disappointment filling you for being so desperate to sell your body to the Devil.
It worked though.
“You know how t’use one of these?” Ken asks, his head is tilted down to you but his eyes are flicking between you and he oncoming horde that is closing the distance fast.
“Sure do.” You nod your head and take a step forward so people can run behind you to get to their places on the wall. Some of the people passing you are carrying grenade launchers and flamethrowers.
“Anything happens to me—” Ken starts but you don’t let him finish.
“Shut the fuck up. Don’t even say it.” You warn him with a firm tone that masks the fear that would be dripping off your tongue if you didn’t snap a him. Ken chuckles at you and places his hand on your shoulder while the two of you line yourselves up on the wall.
There is only a football field between your defenses and the sea of infected. You can hear their shrieking and screeching. It’s bone chilling and sounds so inhuman you have a hard time believing those things ever could have been people like you and the man standing next to you. Like every single one of you that had gathered up on top of your wall to defend your home and the ones still inside of it.
Gunshots start to go off in every direction. Even on the opposite side of the wall and that makes you sick to your stomach.
What are they shooting at on that side of the wall?
You pull the hunting rifle and use the scope to pick off as many infected as you can with clean head-shots while the colony still has distance on its side. That distance was closing quickly and now you could hear the quieter grunting and growls of those bloaters who look bigger than you remember bloaters looking. You hadn’t seen many but these guys were big.
Scary.
The air is filled with the sound of gunfire. You’re deafened to anything else but the thunderous roar of the horde and the torrent of lead. You’re trying to take down the bloaters before they can get too close but they’re protected by a thick, hard layer of fungus that protects them from your seemingly useless bullets. This makes your back start to sweat even in the swirling snow. There was no way that this was all happening again.
The first infected hits the wall, and you have to tell yourself you didn’t feel it . You imagined that soft thud under your feet. You tell yourself that you don’t continue to feel the staccato heart-beating thuds against the wall through your boots. It’s impossible. These tree trunks were thick and tall. Strong. Joel and Tommy and Ken put these trees in the ground. There’s the moat— that’s frozen solid right now and does nothing but propel the infected forward into the barricade with more force.
“Jesus Christ.” You murmur to yourself as you take a step closer to the edge of the wall and see how many infected are piling up below you.
“Point n’ shoot, Birdie-girl.” Ken shouts into your ear and that's when you realize that you’ve been watching this all unfold without actually letting off any shots from your rifle.
“Fuck.” You hiss at yourself and drop sling the rifle back over your shoulder and pull the carbine off your chest. You start popping off shots with practiced ease. It’s a lot easier to pick off infected when you’re almost eighty feet above them and not ground level. So much easier.
Where is Joel? He’s still not up here; not right next to you where he should be. Fuck. The infected continue to pile up against the wall and the air is filled with the different cracks, pops and bangs of the guns constantly going off. You can’t look around for him because you have infected to kill.
This feels impossible. You shoot at the bloaters who are closing the distance on the wall, you aim right for their heads. The hard, almost protective layer of fungus and spores that have hardened on their face serve as a shield and only chip and crack off in small pieces. You have to shoot them over, and over again. It takes so many rounds and you don’t even kill the one you had been aiming for. It gets to the wall, and you feel it.
The bloater is hammering his fists into the base of the tree trunk. You watch in stupefying horror as small chunks of bark are being chipped and flung around the air.
“No no no no no no.” You begin to panic but very calmly. Turning around to Ken, you get his attention and point down to where you see another bloater joining the efforts in the assault on your precious wall.
Ken looks over the edge and his eyes go wide. He turns back to you and shakes his head no.
“I know that!” You shout over the gunfire. “Focus the shots!” You motion to the rest of the people around you who still haven’t seen what the bloaters are capable of doing.
Ken nods his head and you two split up and walk down the line of people, shouting in their ear directions on how to kill them effectively.
“Same spot. Over and over until you get their brain!”
You say this countless times, your voice is hoarse as you make your way back towards your original position.
Ken’s already back and shooting straight down where the wall is still being chiseled at slowly.
This is so bad, it’s so so bad. Shit shit shit. Shit shit shit. Fuck fuck fuck.
Where is Joel!?
Not that Joel could do anything magical that would make all those infected disappear. He can only add to the barrage of gunfire, and that would help but he’s just a man.
Your man. Your husband. The literal love of your life.
The army of infected continues to pile against the wall. It feels like hours go by, but it’s only fifteen minutes before Joel is beside you.
“Hey baby girl,” he mouths over the deafening roar of the infected and the endless shots.
You smirk at him, feel yourself blush and feel silly. This man has been your husband and is the father of your two children… but he still makes you feel giddy and excited.
Even in the fucking mess you’re in.
Joel starts to take shots over the wall and his aim is so good. He never fucking misses. You love him so much as he takes out a clicker with a hard-fungus-shield protecting it’s infected brain with two well placed shots.
These are the most aggressive and strong stages of the infection. They don’t get stronger than this.
The wall keeps your children, rest of your found family and bunker safe. You and Joel are standing side by side, shoulders almost touching watching the sea of violent creatures below you start to diminish. They’re dropping with each gun shot that goes off.
There are a handful of clickers still trying to scramble their way up the wall to no avail. Two bloaters standing as close together as you and Joel are, that will not fucking die.
You see movement off in the distance, still in the trees and hidden but it’s moving, and so fucking fast. The tops of the trees quiver as whatever it is passes by. One tree falls down completely with a loud crash that gathers everyone's attention.
The group of you watch as a mass comes barreling out of the treeline. It’s…an abomination; a stage of infected that you’ve never seen before and it makes your heart start to race.
“Joel,” you can barely find the strength to give yourself a voice.
“I see it.”
You cannot take your eyes off the thing that is closing the distance faster than you can believe a thing of that size to move. “What the fuck is that thing?” You find your voice but it cracks and makes you have to cough.
It’s unnerving to watch that thing basically gallop on all fours while…the other limp limbs growing out of the rest of its deformed body bounce around.
Joel hooks his hand around the bend in your elbow and slowly starts to lead you towards the stairs. Neither one of you can stop watching as people begin to take shots at it. The thing is unfazed.
You bump into a solid mass and look up at Ken. He’s not looking at you, he’s got his eyes on Joel but his hand on your shoulder.
There is a creaking coming from below you, it’s almost unnoticeable but you feel it. You look up at Joel and Ken to see if they react to it but they’re talking about something. If they feel it, they’re not letting on. You don’t even realize what’s happening until you hear a familiar sharp snapping and popping. You look around and no one else is reacting to this as they keep firing off shots.
Then a deep, low groan fills the air. This is loud and felt in the soles of your feet, even through your boots.
Each tree that makes up the wall is reinforced at the bottom with extra dirt and stones, but the trees are all treated as a singular section. The tree tops; before going into the ground, were fitted with something that could be used as a landing— reinforced chain-link fences, the tops of tables, old scaffolding– anything you could find.
It was all separate though, until someone came in and laid down more stable footing for everyone to walk on.
The two sections that are coming down have five people on them, including you, but excluding Joel and Ken.
The tree trunk jolts forward, the walkway bounces and sends everyone tumbling to their hands and knees. Ken is on his feet before you even realize what the fuck happened. He’s got desperate hands on your shoulders, trying to pull you out of the way. Your stomach drops as the snapping of the thick trunks becomes deafening. You reach for Ken, and now Joel is beside him as everything starts to fall away from underneath you.
The segment of tree your on is swaying back and forth precariously, Ken and Joel are on the still sturdy and stable walkway to your left. It's happening so fucking fast you barely have time to think. Blindly, desperately you reach for your husband and new father. "No no no no no," you babble, your hands grasping at their jackets and belts in an attempt to find a real thing to grab onto.
Your fingers wrap around something cool and hard in Ken's belt and you grasp at it mindlessly.
There is a metallic creaking and snapping. The tree lurches forward, out towards the moat and the infected.
You are ripped away from Joel and Ken. Their strong hands on your winter coat do nothing as the fabric slips out of their fingers.
"Fuck fuck fuck," you hear Joel's voice over everything else. The world pauses for two seconds and you make eye contact with him. He is just as scared as you are and he's still on the wall, not about to plummet to their death.
You grip onto whatever is in your hand so tightly, and stay holding on as hard as you can while you and two other people on your segment start to fall. Joel, Ken and everyone still on the wall stare down with panic in their eyes. The other segment of the wall starts to come down too.
Instead of snapping away from the rest of the walkway neatly, like your section had, the reinforced walkway is ripped apart violently. People on top of the wall stumble and fall to their feet. One person falls from the top of the wall, straight down into the snow with a loud, dull thud. You hear the body hit the ground and it makes you feel like you're going to be sick.
You have no time to process who it was, or what they had been wearing before you're falling through the air. There isn't a second to think about what to do before the tree hits the ground. The light, fluffy snow explodes into a cloud of pure white as you're hurled backwards, and then plunged into the most blinding cold all over your body.
It’s so cold it shocks you into a gasp, and you suck almost frozen water deep into your lungs. You panic, pushing yourself off the bottom of the moat, and swim to the surface.
You’re coughing and sputtering before you even reach the top. There is a desperate and unsuccessful attempt to pull air into your lungs but it’s just more water as you go under.
You’re kicking your legs and arms as hard as you can but everything you have on is so fucking heavy. Your Carbine, the hunting rifle? All of your thick winter gear? You shrug both weapons off your shoulders as your lungs freeze and burn at the same time.
You break the surface again, expelling all the water from your lungs as you try to stay afloat. You’re still holding on to whatever you had stolen from Ken tightly. You pull your hand out of the water as you choke and fight for air.
El Diablo.
The Devil is in your palm right now, and you’re going to freeze to death.
Ironic.
You pull yourself onto the bank as you watch the giant mass of infection that had been about to barrel into the wall start to slow. You try and catch your breath as the people who are still up top defend you and the others on the ground.
The mass never stops moving as it begins to…liquefy? Disintegrate? It’s breaking apart and the things falling off of it are not just useless limbs that dangle and bounce limply.
They’re whole bodies of infected that had been morphed into one giant creature somehow. Your eyes are wide as you watch these new, smaller infected begin to pull chunks of their flesh off and toss them high up towards the wall. Those chunks explode when they hit the trees halfway up, and a dust cloud of spores get released into the wind.
No fucking way. What the fuck is going on? What the fuck was that thing? And where did it come from? You had never seen anything like that-- the way the bodies fell off of it and started fucking running around?
Seems impossible but you're watching it happen.
You’re shivering, teeth chattering as you pull yourself out of the water. You pull your bandanna back up over your mouth and nose, and try to think about what to do next. You need to get back into the wall somehow, but you’re on the wrong side of the moat. Two other people are over here with you and they’re already taking shots at the last standing handful of infected that are charging you.
You raise El Diablo, get the head of one of the bloaters that is now working on a new section of the wall in your cross-hairs.
The gunshot is felt inside your heart. It reverberates through your whole body, but you had prepared for that recoil. You pull the hammer back again, keeping the same spot in your sweet spot, and fire again.
This bloater drops before you hear the shot ring out in the air. The one that had been standing next to it, is already on the ground at the bullets of your friends still on the wall.
Both of the giant, incredibly strong bloaters are dead now, but you have six new infected to worry about. They’re fast, have spore bombs and look armored by the hardened fungus. These things move unlike any other infected you've ever seen. They look so fucking strong it's terrifying.
You take a shot at one and it falls to the ground, writhing and screeching. The people up on top never stop firing. You still don’t know who fell from above and you don’t have time to think about it.
You aim again, pull the trigger...but nothing happens.
You’re out of bullets and both of your other weapons are at the bottom of the moat. You got rid of them in your panicked state of being afraid to drown!
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
You have your buck knife on your belt but that was it.
One of the creatures is coming right for you. What the fuck are you going to do? You cannot run with your bum fucking thigh, there aren't any trees with branches low enough to climb, you are almost completely frozen solid, and now, you're frozen in fear as you watch this hurdle towards you.
Holding your breath, you duck behind a tree in hopes that it wont fucking find you. It's blind and is clicking-- using it's stupid echolocation to find you!
It does.
It's not funny, but it's almost comical the way you're standing behind the tree with your buck knife in your fists, shivering silently. It's almost hilarious to you the way this fucking this pops it's crusty infected head out from the side of this tree but, it's not funny at all. You are terrified and cold, but you were ready and waiting.
With your left hand, you wrap your hand around the infected throat, keeping it at safe distance. This is the closest you've ever been to an infected. You've never, ever put your fucking hands on one. The entire outer layer of its body is coated in rough, cracked scales of infection. It makes your stomach churn the way it feels under your fingers.
Your right hand sinks the long blade of the buck knife into the hard shell of spores and infection surrounding the skull, and then you wiggle the blade. A chunk of the infectious armor falls off and now, the brain is exposed. The monsters arms are swinging at you, reaching and grappling. Its dusty fingers are scrabbling at your cheeks and tugging your bandanna down your face a fraction of an inch at a time. You start to panic and feel your grip on it's neck start to slip.
"Fuck!" You shout as it lunges at you. Both of you fall back into the snow. The infected is on top of you, so close to your face, you can hear the fluid in the back of it's throat gurgling. You swing wildly with your blade, chipping off more infection from the skull. You're pushing with your weaker, non-dominant left hand and arm, but you're trembling now, losing your strength. "Please please please," you beg the infected like it understands or has the capability to change its mind, and not kill you. Your knife continues to blindly chip away at whatever you can hit as you continue to uselessly beg for your life, "I have babies, please please," You sob mindlessly as your left hand starts to slip from it's throat. "I wanna see them again," you have tears in your eyes as your right hand starts to jackhammer into the impossibly tough armor.
Your blade finally, and at just the last second, sinks into the brain of the infected on top of you. It goes limp and collapses onto your chest, it's head resting on your shoulder.
You sob loudly, tears rolling down your temples and into your ears. You roll the body off of you, stumbling to your feet in the snow. It's hard to try and keep your composure. You almost just died twice thee times in rapid succession, but you're unscathed. How!?
While leaning against a tree, still blubbering about your life and how it officially belongs to the Devil now. You cannot deny it or try and pretend like you didn't sell your soul and asshole to him. You’re checking your arms and hands for bites, feeling dumb for officially having two husbands when something grabs you from behind.
"No! No! No! NO!" You shout as you're being restrained. You swing your knife backwards in an attempt to save yourself. You stop when a mans voice is in your ear.
“S’me, Bird.” Jeff's familiar voice sends a shock of false warmth down your spine. There is no heat inside your body. Your fingers hurt so badly that they can barely keep their hold on the knife. You're going into shock and you both need to get inside.
“C-C-Cold,” you chatter loudly as the people on the wall take out the last of the infected. "G-Gonna f-f-f-f-f-freeze out h-h-here." You chatter.
Jeff, who is also shivering and covered in small icicles nods, "B-B-Birdie... d-d-d-did y-you get b-b-bit?" His eyes-- that are surrounded by frost covered eyelashes, looks at you with desperate eyes.
You shake your head and hold out your arms and hands. "I d-d-d-didn't. Promise." Your teeth clatter together loudly.
Jeff inspects you, making sure you're not lying. You don't blame him, you had been so fucking close to the creature that you are shocked you didn't get bit. Once he's convinced you're fine, he helps you to the gate. He hooks his arm in yours. The rest of the people who fell with you are already making their way back now. You’re stepping over dead bodies with every move you make.
Bonnie and Maria are rushing to you before you even get inside the wall, with so many other people trailing behind.
You scan the faces of everyone around, and notice there are people missing. “W-W-Where is J-J-Joel,” you look at Maria as seriously as you can while shivering and almost freezing to death.
Maria gives you…sad eyes? What the fuck? Why are her eyes sad this way?
The picture of someone falling from almost eighty-feet up in the air replays in your head over and over again. You cannot remember what the fuck their jacket looked like, or what color their hair had been. You try and picture where Joel had been on the wall when everyone got fucking jolted to their asses. He had been right fucking there. Right at the edge watching you crash to the ground.
Your blood officially freezes.
“Joel?” You ask again and your shivering stops suddenly, you assume because your heart stops as well because you must be dead. There is no way this is really happening. You died and this is hell, simple. The Devil didn't want your asshole or your cunt, no.
When you make a deal with El Diablo, it's so that he can watch you suffer for all eternity. At his hand. Not so that you can sit on his lap and be his little girlfriend. No. Satan wants to watch you tear your own heart apart. Rip your skin off with sorrow.
Maria and Bonnie look at each other for one second and then they both grab you by the elbow and try to lead you inside.
“You gotta get warmed up,” Bonnie nods her head, pulling your arm. "You're in shock, probably hypothermia."
You rip your arm from Bonnie's grasp, plant your feet into the snow and narrow your eyes.
“Where the fuck is my husband?”
Notes:
^ Joel watching you about to die for the 7th time and asking Ken if this is it...
Hey now!! Don't jump to conclusions right now! You don't know what's gonna happen!
Neither do I. I don't even know who fell off the wall. :(Y'all can give me my verbal lashings in the comments.
Chapter 49: I Will Follow You Into The Dark
Summary:
If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the "no"s on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Notes:
Uh, this chapter is sad. I wrote it and cried and I'm sorry.
It's also kinda gross, so Trigger warning for BLOOD AND TEARS.
iwfyitd- death cab for cutie
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Where the fuck is my husband?”
There are eyes on you, and they all look nervous, some have tears in them. Your stomach churns inside of you and all the blood pools in your feet.
“Did he fucking fall?” Your voice is barely a whisper and your whole body starts to tremble, or shiver again. You’re not sure. “Is he the one who fell?”
Bonnie wraps her hand around your elbow and tugs you gently, “C’mon, Birdie, we’ll take you to him,” her voice is soft and trying to be comforting, but she sounds sad.
“What the fuck is going on?” You whisper to Maria as tears spring to your eyes, your freezing hand searches for hers by your side as he glues herself to you.
Maria squeezes both of her hands around yours, “A couple people fell and got real hurt,” she admits with an even tone. “Joel is in the medical wing—”
“Is he okay?” You do not let her tell you what happened because your brain is moving too fucking fast. “He’s alive?” You’re being led inside the bunker by Bonnie and Maria. A couple people are helping Jeff inside, but everyone else stays out on the wall.
Once you’re in the large entry room, your friends work hastily to get your frozen clothes off your body. It’s impossible to not shiver. Every single inch of you is colder than you’ve ever been. You’ll never feel warm again, it’s been stolen from you.
You’re so cold you don’t even care that people are seeing you almost naked– in your bra and threadbare panties. Blankets and arms are being wrapped around you as your body starts to shiver uncontrollably.
Maria holds your cheeks in her warm hands and begins to rub her thumbs along your skin gently, “Hey, you’re okay.” Her voice is so calming, but firm. You believe her, but your brain is numb and you cannot think about anything.
“J-J-J-J—” you’re unable to get any real words out over the intense shaking of your body and chattering of your teeth.
Maria nods her head. “Take you there as soon as you’re warm, get the blood pumping again, okay?”
There is a moment when you believe that you’re shaking your head no at Maria, but you’re just staring at her, not doing anything but trying to steal her warmth. There are no real thoughts in your head– nothing but images of Joel’s perfect, handsome face.
Maria cups your cheeks in her hands, continuing to rub her thumbs along your them. “C’mon, stay with me and we’ll go, okay?” Her eyes stay locked on yours in an attempt to… you do not know.
It’s so incredibly hard to think about anything, and no one is telling you what’s going on with Joel– you’re starting to panic and spiral, and have tunnel vision all at the same time.
“He-He-He’s alive?” You lean into Maria, letting her take on some of your weight through her forehead.
Maria takes it gracefully, bracing herself to be able to support you as the random hands rubbing your arms and legs try to bring the blood back to them. “Focus, Bird,” Maria whispers. “Breathe and focus. Think about your babies, think about Ellie.” She has tears in her eyes.
What? Focus on…who?
“He’s d-d-dead?” you’re whispering, and it feels like your knees are going to give way.
“I don’t know, Bird. He’s in surgery right now,” she finally chokes out. Her arms wrap around your neck and she pulls you in close to her as the onslaught of hands continue to rub you down.
What? Surgery?
He had been fine on top of the wall when you left— when you fell. You had seen him being perfectly fine on top of the wall as it was happening.
It’s twenty minutes of continuous hands on you, and it’s too much. You’ve been trying to move your feet, or tell Maria that you cannot stand here anymore but you’ve been too cold to do anything.
Not anymore. Still shivering, you’re feeling like you could shuffle away from this group of people surrounding you. You push Maria off of you as politely as you can in your desperation to get to the medical wing.
Your feet betray you so many times as you push past people trying to stop you, stumbling into them and needing their help in the end to stand up and steady yourself.
Where is Tommy? Where is Ken?
They’re both already in the hallway that leads into the surgery center, sitting in chairs with their heads hung. Tommy looks at you as you fall against the doorframe. His eyes are red and wet.
Ken won’t even look at you.
“Where is he?” You’re holding on to the wall as you basically crawl down the hallway. Your knees feel so weak and everything inside you is still freezing.
Tommy motions down the hallway with a nod of his head, “Still in surgery.”
“For what? What happened?” You do crawl now, pathetically, to sit in front of Tommy on your knees, the blanket still wrapped around you tightly. “Is… he’s gonna be okay, right?”
You have no tears in your eyes because of course your husband is going to be alright. Joel is always fine, always healthy.
Joel is the one who worries for you– not the other way around! You don’t have the mental capacity to deal with this and raise two kids by yourself! Especially now that you’re worried about Ellie being out in the fucking world with just Dina to protect her!?
Ellie has to protect Dina! Ellie has to do double the protecting!
You inch closer to Tommy, your eyes darting between him and Ken as you wait for the answers.
Tommy can’t speak, he tries but when he opens his mouth no words come out. Tears fill his eyes again and he snaps his mouth shut, wipes the wetness off his cheeks and sits back in his chair silently.
You turn to your new, amazing father in desperation, now the fear is in your eyes in the form of hot, wet burning. “Dad, please tell me what happened,” you’re trying not to blink because then your tears will fall.
Ken slides his hand over your shoulder, squeezing gently before he looks over at you. “Birdie-girl, I– I don’t even know,” he shakes his head and has tears in his eyes. “I just saw you fallin’, the other tree started t’come down…”
“And?” You blink now and the tears do come because what is everyone so fucking afraid to tell you? “Dad? What happened?” Your voice shakes and your chin starts to quiver.
Ken’s grip tightens on your shoulder, “He tried savin’ that guy who fell right after you,” he swallows hard and clears his throat. “Fuckin’ pieces of metal all over from the walkway bein’ all torn apart— went right fuckin’ through him, sweetie.” Ken finally admits.
“We– Went right through… what? His arm, his leg? His stomach?” You shake your head and look between the two men who now both have their hand on one of your shoulders.
“It went through his lung, B.” Tommy whispers. “Doctors say it doesn’t look too good,” Tommy gets choked up again and has to turn away from you.
Joel has his hands on your pregnant belly, feeling Wyatt kick for the millionth time. “I can’t fuckin’ belive it, babygirl.” Joel’s got his big ‘n dumb smile, looking so content to just lay in bed with you.
“I know, one left and we immediately got another,” you chuckle, even though your heart hurts that Ellie is gone.
Joel’s hands roam across the taut skin, “She’ll come home.” Joel sounds positive of this and you want to believe him. You want to believe Ellie when she said she’d come back.
It’s not about her wanting– it’s about her being able to come home. You’ll never know what happens to Ellie unless she comes back to tell you herself.
Your hand finds him as he searches for his sons kicking feet and punching fists or the curve of his rump and skull depending on how he moves. “This is going to be different,” you nod your head at him reassuringly.
“Shhhhh,” Joel inches his body closer to yours so your stomachs touch and he leans in to kiss you. “Don’t fuckin’ worry— I know yer’ scared and that’s fine. You gotta put good things in your head.” He whispers against your lips. “We’re both doin’ so much better, and have been for a real long time.”
You nod and steal a small kiss.
“Hey, give that back,” Joel pinches at your sides softly. “I ain’t say you could have that one.”
You giggle as his fingers tickle you. “Stop! Joel, stop!” You try to keep your voice down so you don’t wake Nora in the other room.
“Stealin’ my fuckin’ kisses? You fuckin’ serious? Issa federal offense, missy.” Joel doesn’t let up. You wrap your hand around his wrist and try to push him off of you.
“Joel!”
He chuckles and continues his assault on your sensitive, ticklish waist. His strength overpowers you easily and at this point, you’re just holding on to him. “She still things she’s big n’ tough when I know…” he leans in, his fingers pausing for only a moment, “Yer’ big n’ fuckin’ soft.” He teases and blows a raspberry against your lips.
You’re giggling uncontrollably, having to press your thighs together as your bladder aches suddenly. “Stop stop stop! You’re gonna make me pee! Stop!” You force out through the involuntary laughter.
“Lucky I fuckin’ love you.” Joel’s tickling ceases and he splays his palms against your belly once again.
You’re panting, a little red in the face, but so incredibly in love with this man. “I am lucky. I know,” you sigh happily.
Joel’s eyes narrow on yours, his hand pressing into your stomach. “I’m the lucky one, B.”
Ken and Tommy both have their hands on your shoulders again, Tommy is snapping in your face.
“Bird– hey! Birdie!” His voice is raised and he sounds worried but it’s distant and muffled. “Don’t pass out.”
You blink at him as he continues to snap.
It feels like you’re falling off the wall again with everything underneath your feet being ripped away.
“You’re fucking lying,” you snort softly as the world and Ken, Tommy, the hallway come back into focus. “You’re fucking lying to me. Where is Joel?” You’re chuckling now, eyes wide– more white than iris. “Where is he, really?”
Neither one of them responds, they both just look at you sadly.
There is a surge of adrenaline through you and you’re pushing yourself to your feet, stumbling and almost falling twice before you find your balance. Ken follows close behind, his arms wrapped around you protectively as you go search for your husband. Who is perfectly fine. This is a sick joke.
As you push the swinging doors to go deeper into the medical center where visitors aren’t allowed, you see that this might not actually be a joke.
There is blood all over the floor; pools of it, droplets, smeared footprints like someone slipped in it. Your feet falter as you almost step in some, having to shuffle and then take an extra large step and you still get some of whoever's blood this is on your feet.
It’s not Joel’s.
Not possible— it’s actually fucking impossible that this would happen to your husband. You and Ken step around the blood leaning down the hallway.
There is a window up ahead, with movement behind it. Your legs turn to liquid when you see what’s unfolding in the operating room. Ken has to hold you around the arms and chest so you don’t fall.
The man lying on his side, facing you on the surgical table is Joel. It is possible for something terrible and life threatening to happen to your husband.
Joel is unconscious, eyes closed, with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. The two doctors are working rapidly to try and save his life. You watch as his chest rises and falls with assistance.
As Doctor Miles begins to make an incision, your stomach turns watching him be sliced open.
Every bone, muscle and tendon in your body betray you when you try to turn away from the window– this is an actual nightmare. You trip and fall into Ken who still has his arms around you, supporting every ounce you’re unable to carry.
“Please don’t let anything happen to him,” you close your eyes and press your head into his chest as he turns you around in his arms. “I can’t live without him,” you’re sobbing, thinking of having to do this all alone– live life without Joel?
Ken has no control over what happens to him. Ken only cradles your head against his chest as you wail into his chest. “I know, sweet girl. I know,” Ken’s comforting voice is almost unheard over the sounds you’re making.
Ken tries to lead you back down the hallway but you fight him, unable to look at what’s happening in that room, but still finding it impossible to leave Joel alone. “I c-can’t leave him,” you gasp as you feel yourself being pushed backwards. “No, no, no, no. No!” You push your fists into Ken’s chest and weakly attempt to escape from his arms .
Your found father doesn’t let you go, don’t flinch when your feeble and limp fists start to drum against his sternum. “Getchya in some clothes and then we’ll come back, okay?”
“No! No, no, no, I can’t. I can’t b-be away f-from him— never again.” The idea of leaving the medical wing completely has you panicking, “I can’t leave– I have to be here,”
“Nora and Wyatt—”
“I can’t be a fucking mom right now, Ken!” You shove against his chest with more force and real determination right now. “My kids are home safe with your wife.” You snap at him.
“They’re not stayin’ there forever. You’re their mom, now and always – don’t you forget that.” Ken points a stern finger in your face. “I know you’re sad— this feels like the end of the fucking world right now… but it’s not. Not for you, not for your kids,” he continues as your jaw tightens in anger. “You gotta be strong for them—”
“Joel is strong! Joel is the strong one! Not me!” You shout at him. “He’s the one who watches me almost die because he can handle it… I can’t fucking do it– I can’t fucking do it,” you frantically wipe the tears off your face with the blanket around your shoulders.
“You better find the strength inside you, girl,” Ken growls seriously. “I know it’s in there— your husband knows it’s in there. He tells me all the time how fucking strong and smart you are—”
“He’s big ‘n fucking dumb, Ken! He doesn’t know!! He thinks that I’m strong and smart, but I don’t think I know how to live without him anymore!” You’re almost screaming at him. “I don’t know how to be alone anymore– I don’t wanna, I can’t do anything without him!” You point into the operating room through the window.
Ken shakes his head at you and looks disappointed. “You got two amazing kids here, one amazing daughter out in the world somewhere— and you’d give up on them… again?”
“Shut the fuck up–”
“No. I won’t. I lost my fuckin’ wife. And my kid. I lost everything I loved that day,” Ken snarls at you. “I’m still here— fightin’ for my life,” Ken taps at his chest softly. “Life. Living. That’s what they wanted for me,” he points up to the ceiling now.
You glare at him, knowing that he is right. Joel would torture you for eternity if you abandoned your kids with Patti and Ken to be with him in the afterlife. Both of you are silent, breathing heavy from yelling at each other and the weight of the situation.
“I’m not leaving, not until he’s done with surgery.” Your voice is calm and even. You’re not even crying anymore. “If you could please go get my mom, and tell her that I need her and my kids, I’d appreciate it.” You dip to the side so you can slip past Ken with no physical contact and take your place at the window again.
The doctors removed whatever had been in his chest– but you can tell by the way they’re moving that something is wrong. You have your fingers on the bottom of the glass.
Silently in your head— you pray. To no one in particular, just anything listening. It’s hard not to make a deal or a promise, that you’ll do whatever it takes to see Joel walk out of this, able to hold you and your kids again. You just hope. You’d find faith in anything right now that could give him a positive outcome from all of this.
Joel’s chest isn’t moving anymore, and the doctor's eyes are looking at a monitor that you can only see the back of.
They’re getting paddles? The.. electric paddles they use…to get someone’s heart beating again?
You choke on air— nothing moves in your lungs as you watch them. It’s a process the way they get him ready to be shocked and the way that he moves when he gets it makes you gasp. You cannot watch anymore. Your feet are carrying you so quickly out of this back surgical center that you slip in the pool of now cold pool of blood just inside the door.
Your arms flail and you regain your balance, taking careful and measured steps as you push open the door while your feet continue to slip and slide underneath you.
Tommy’s head turns to you, “What—”
You can’t answer. You’re unable to speak as the sick feeling returns to your stomach at the sensation of Joel’s blood between your toes. It’s impossible to move quickly enough to get to the trash can, but you persist regardless of your slipping feet.
Dropping to your knees and hugging the small metal bin you let go. It forces its way out of you violently and painfully. Your skin feels like it’s being ripped away from your skull. Your eyes water as you gag and retch again.
“No fucking way,” Tommy says from behind you and you hear his footsteps take off, the sound of the doors opening and him running down the hallway you had just come from.
You retch again, unable to think of what Tommy is walking into. What is he going to see?
“Precious thing,” Patti’s calm and sweet voice brings you to a place of comfort, a place of false security but you’ll accept anything but this aching, empty feeling inside of you right now.
You rest your head on a chair beside the wastebasket you’ve been sick into and look at Patti with watery eyes. “Hi momma,” you whisper, all of the exhaustion from your time outside the wall hits you as she runs her fingers through your hair.
“Hi baby,” she whispers back to you, her nails raking across your skull gently.
"Where is Nora? Wyatt?" You groan into the waste-bin, feeling like you might get sick again.
Where is Tommy? Why hasn't he come back out yet?
"They're with Ken, he said you needed me," Patti whispers, continuing to give you gentle touches. "He didn't think they needed to be here, or see you like this."
"His heart stopped," you whimper. "I was wa-watching and then-- and then they had to give him those stupid fucking paddles, Mom. His fucking heart--" Your chest feels tight, like every good thing you've ever felt, all the good memories are being sucked out of you.
"Is strong," Patti nods, "he is a strong man." She strokes your hair out of your face as you stare up at her, tears still streaming out of your eyes.
"What if--"
"Stop it. We do not do what if's in this family. Did you forget? We deal with the right now. What is happening right there very second that you can control?" Patti's tone is firm, but motherly and caring.
"I dunno," you whine quietly. "I feel like I don't know anything--"
"Birdie, you know that you are alive. You are breathing and there are things in this world that are meant for you, yes?" She whispers.
You nod at her as she begins to recite them with you.
"I am worth more than desperation and sadness," you both say in unison. "I'm worth a life that is good to live and not feel guilty for it." your voice cracks, already feeling guilty that you're needing this support when you should be in there, next to Tommy watching the doctors announce his time of---
The doors to the surgical center swing open. You and Patti both swing your heads around and look at a sobbing Tommy.
Your heart aches and feels like it's being split into two separate pieces. One's leaving forever, apparently.
"He's alive," Tommy chokes out. "Stable. Doctors got him closed up, going into recovery now." Tommy cries softly. "He made it, B."
You're scrambling on your hands and knees, stumbling and trying to get to your feet again, "Alive?" You murmur, crawling past Tommy who turns to follow you. He tries to help you up, putting his hand into yours, and letting you find hold on his shoulders with the other hand.
"They were getting him ready to go to a different room," Tommy says hopefully. "I ain't talk to anyone yet."
You, Tommy and Patti follow the trail of blood to the operating room, which is now empty- smelling metallic and sour with Joel's blood and sweat. You're frantic and need to see him. Need to have your hands on him in a way you haven't ever felt before.
The two doctors come out of a room down the hallway, pulling off their surgical caps and gowns. They look exhausted and then, they look alarmed to see you and Tommy back here.
"No, no! He's still--" Doctor Miles tries to keep you and Tommy from going into Joel's room, but Tommy goes chest to chest with the doctor and nods his head, "Try it. I fuckin' dare you," Tommy hisses as you slip behind him and beyond the doorway.
This is how Joel must have felt when he saw you laying in a hospital bed. Intubated, being force fed air because whoever needs it isn't strong enough to breathe on their own. He isn't laying back all the way, the doctors have him resting so he's sitting up only slightly. You're too scared to move, to get closer to him because...what if you break him? You've never seen Joel this fragile, not even when he had been almost dying from that stab wound back in Salt Lake.
He had gotten on a horse right after that. Had gotten out of bed and rescued you from an attempted sexual assault and then... beat both of those men to death for what they did and were going to do to you.
Now...he's breathing with assistance, looking so pale and so cold. Your feet are moving on their own, and your cold hand slips into his.
"Please," you murmur, leaning down to press your lips to his fingers. "I'll do anything-- I mean it. Anything for you. Please don't leave me," you kiss his fingers ten million times, because he deserves them, and never gets all your kisses. They're reserved for the kids, but not right now. They're all for him. "Joel, please," you sniffle, but the tears continue to come quietly. "If you can hear me, feel me- I'm right here, baby." Your tears are salty as they drip into your mouth. "I'm right here. I'll never leave."
Joel is still, and his chest rises and falls slowly, but his face is calm. Just his eyes move behind the lid rapidly. He's still there, still inside, hopefully listening to your words and hearing your voice. Feeling your cold hand in his.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I fell." You sob. "I should have been more careful," your lips never leave his fingers. "I should have been up there to keep you safe," you whimper. "I'm sorry, I'd trade places with you if I could. I dunno how you fucking did this twice." You sob softly. "It's so fucking hard," your body is convulsing and now Patti's gentle, comforting touch is on your back.
"Shhhh, sweet girl." Patti runs her fingers through your hair again, gently and with her nails dragging along your scalp.
You sigh softly, kissing Joel's fingers once again. "I can't lose him."
Notes:
Did you all forget the promise I made to you so very long ago?? I sure fucking didn't.
Chapter 50: A Very Serious Authors Note
Summary:
Please read down below!
Chapter Text
Hey everyone! SlimyBeth here to tell you all (what I hope you think) is good news.
I've been slowly posting this series to my tumblr, and have been slightly re-working it, and actually proofreading. I have a wonderful beta now who does my editing for me, and it almost feels like a disservice to you all, and honestly the rest of this story to not also post the beta'd, re-worked version here on ao3.
So, with that being said, I've decided to stop updating this version. Chapter 49 is the last one.
So, within the next few weeks I will be posting a new fic titled "Venus in Furs- Rewritten Version".
It is not ending!!
It's not going to change the story. It's not going to alter anything up to right now.
If you don't feel like re-reading the entire story, I'm keeping this open for one more chapter so that I can let you all know when I finally post the next chapter in the new version, so you can all keep following along.
I love this story so much, and I'll never delete it- so I'm keeping it up as something to look back on so I can see how I have improved.
I also don't know what I would do if I lost all those wonderful comments.
To the ones who stuck with me through my spelling errors, my grammatical mistakes, and my overuse of ellipses I LOVE YOU. Thank you to every single one of you who come to read a chapter when I update, even if you've never left a kudo or a comment. I still love you and I appreciate your mysterious support.
This story has the potential to be so good (I'm not saying it isn't), but I just didn't know where to stop sometimes, or where to add things. Or when to stop using the word smirk and nod. I have a weird flow and am inconsistent in certain parts. I talk about things that don't need to be talked about, and I don't talk about things that should be talked about.
I struggled with a lot in this (i'm only seeing it now, because I never gave myself time to sit down and look at a chapter with fresh eyes). I posted rapid fire to FEED YOU, and to try and make you guys like me, to only have it end up backfiring on me instead. I'm cringing as I go through and try to do my re-write. Not because the story is bad, or because I think that I was writing poorly- you all make me feel very good about myself and the way I want to portray this story.
It can just be done more neatly, and with less ellipses.
We can all thanks corbeux for talking me off the ledge when I wanted to abruptly end this story when I lost my mojo and felt like a failure. She's been nothing but a saint, a good friend, a kind soul and seriously the most patient (with me) person I've ever met. She's also an ok beta. (I kid, she's fucking wonderful.)
I'm so nervous that this is going to piss everyone off, so I'm apologize right now if any of you are mad at me and hate me now.
I seriously say that I love you all so, so very much.
(Also I'm sorry if this isn't allowed, don't report me lol)
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Last Edited Wed 25 Sep 2024 04:51PM UTC
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