Work Text:
Kissing and hope they caught us
Whether they like or not
I wanna show you off
I wanna show you off
I wanna brag about it
I wanna tie the knot”
- Doja Cat
Kaneda chugs the last drops of beer eagerly and almost chokes in the rush, while his eyes scan the room hurriedly, not wanting to miss a single movement from his idiot best friend – assuming he should still call him that. It feels more like convenience, by now. A habit. It almost sounds fake.
Tetsuo moves back and forth between the counter and the slot machines, gaze fixed on the ground as he weaves through the crowd. Over time, he has learned to mask his insecurity and inadequacy quite well: he walks among his peers decisively now, no inhibition. He takes what he wants without asking for permission. A change so gradual, so slow, that Kaneda has barely noticed. Barely.
Except he has noticed. Everyone has.
Tetsuo no longer seems to harbor resentment toward anyone – not even himself. Which is great. It’s more than Kaneda ever hoped for him.
He just wishes he could handle it better. He’d like to restore the friendship they had as kids, to get back to teasing each other, to touching, to talking. He’d like to be able to tell him how much he admires him and how proud he is of him. But he can’t, because the distance that grew between them during adolescence has solidified and is now as heavy as lead, crushes whatever remains of their bond, and Kaneda feels himself sinking under that weight day after day.
But there’s more to it, obviously. His feelings toward Tetsuo are complicated, dangerous and hopeless because they aren’t platonic. Kaneda has learned to deal with that quickly. Just as he has learned to accept Tetsuo’s total indifference toward him.
There’s nothing he can do about it anyway. He has a massive crush on him, and trying to smother it won’t make it go away. The only remedy is to try not to give it too much power, to live life lightly as he always has, and wait for it to pass.
The fact is, he likes him too much.
He likes Tetsuo because his eyes are lost and a bit sad, because he has a tenacity Kaneda has never seen on anyone else, a stiffness that doesn’t belong to him, and yet fits him like a second skin now, hiding the sensitivity and soft heart of the child he used to be. He likes the way he walks with his head down, hoping to go unnoticed, the way he’s always the first to look up when Kaneda says something to the group. He likes the way he blushes and pales, the way his face is a perfect mirror of his emotions, something Kaneda can read and that reminds him that he knows him, that this is Tetsuo – still Tetsuo, always Tetsuo. He likes how he takes his time arranging the food on his plate before he pounces on it, how he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand after drinking. He likes the way he moves his bike, how he fixes it, washes it, rides it. He likes that he’s so damn enigmatic and cryptic, always silent unless someone addresses him. He even likes the way he gets mad, when his resting bitch face goes furious, his eyes flashing like a stormy sky and his venomous tongue unleashing brutal and aggressive slams. He likes him for those very rare moments when he sees him smile softly, as if he’s ashamed of it.
He likes him for everything he is.
And then he likes his hands, his voice – masculine, but not too deep –, his nose – God, his nose –, thin and slightly upturned, a bit squashed. His huge, adorable forehead that most of their peers mocked him for. His light brown eyes that almost turn golden when the light hits just right. His short, wavy hair, with a hint of rebelliousness that Tetsuo never managed to tame and that reflects his shitty temper.
Tetsuo isn’t conventionally handsome, but damn, he is handsome. It took Kaneda years to realize it, but since he did, that thought won’t leave him alone.
And the worst part is, he can’t even tell himself he just wants to fuck him.
Of course he wants to fuck him – violently, intensely, letting out all the frustration and anger that Tetsuo has caused him, that he still causes him; pulling his hair, biting him, scratching him, shoving his dick up his ass and making him scream in pleasure and saving him from those damn intrusive thoughts that keep him far from anyone else, that make him snap for no reason over every little thing, that lead him one step away from death with his reckless behavior… But he also wants to stay with him on that bed afterward. Or on that couch, that table, that floor, wherever they end up fucking.
He wants to fuck him and then he wants to stay, to stroke his hair, to leave hickeys wherever he wants to, to kiss him, to breathe him, to hold him tight until it hurts, until Tetsuo finally understands that no matter how much he tries to keep everyone at a distance, he is not alone, he has never been alone.
He’s losing his mind. At first it was a crush, a silly thing – some butterflies in his stomach when they’re closer than usual, his pulse racing when he sees Tetsuo getting off his bike, the occasional jerk-off sessions while thinking about him.
It has spiraled out of control as the days went by, so slowly Kaneda didn’t even notice. He’ll never tell him – not in a million years: there is no universe where he can see himself ever confess something like this to anyone, let alone to Tetsuo – but he can’t pretend that this thing isn’t eating him up inside, dissolving his guts in an acid that burns like a fire.
The night drags on, boring and stifling, but Kaneda doesn’t hear the music shaking the walls, nor is he bothered by the flashing lights from the colored disco balls hanging from the ceiling, nor distracted by the conversations reaching his ears; he channels all his attention and tunes his senses to Tetsuo, about twenty steps away from him, completely unaware of the storm he’s causing inside Kaneda.
That stubborn, thoughtless big head, too caught up in his own mind to care about other people’s feelings. And they say Kaneda is the selfish, self-centered one. Yeah, right.
Maybe that’s why their relationship fell apart. All these reasons put together.
Kaneda keeps tabs on him, even though he knows how much Tetsuo hates it and how it only drives them further apart, because that way he can watch him whenever he wants, as much as he wants. He teases him because at least then he knows he won’t be ignored by him. He brings out the worst in him just to fool himself into thinking he has some control over the situation. He makes fun of him because he doesn’t knows how to talk to him.
And the proof of all is that, when Kaneda decides to go to the bathroom to wash his face and clear his head and finds Tetsuo sitting on the floor, back against the wall, eyes closed as if meditating, he can’t help but stop in his tracks, barely suppressing a gasp, heart in his throat, and blurt out a pathetic:
“What are you doing down there? Did you shit yourself?”
Literally the first dumbass line that came to his mind – and it’s not even the worst he’s ever blurted at him. Tetsuo, unsurprisingly, doesn’t react. He just opens one eye and closes it again indifferently, as if Kaneda were a bug crawling on the wall and he didn’t care about at all.
Kaneda silently thanks his earlier self from two hours ago for drinking into the club with the intention of drinking until he felt sick, because if he was sober, he’d be crushed right now. But alcohol never fails to numb his inner torment and make him even more reckless than usual.
‘Screw it,’ he thinks. ‘Doesn’t want to pay attention to me, huh? Well, I’ll make him pay attention’
He sits on the floor next to him, as casually as if they were out in the schoolyard, rolling cigarettes.
Tetsuo doesn’t even give any sign of noticing him, but Kaneda knows him well: Tetsuo did notice. He noticed, and Kaneda’s bothering him. But he can work with that. As long as Tetsuo doesn’t get up and leave him sitting on a filthy floor like an idiot.
He offers him the bottle. “Want some?”
Tetsuo takes his time before accepting it. Kaneda tries not to stare at his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he downs the last swigs, but it’s really hard. It’s infuriating. Even the way he drinks is a turn-on to Kaneda. There’s something manly about it, in the hottest way possible – and Kaneda doesn’t even recognize himself when he has these thoughts. Manliness never seemed hot to him. He really likes girls. He likes their curves, their high-pitched voices, their legs showing beneath skirts. Tetsuo is an exception. As usual. He’s lost count of the things in which Tetsuo is the exception.
In the end, Kaneda does roll that cigarette. While he’s at it, Tetsuo spares him a glance – a bored one, but still a glance. Kaneda meets his eyes and winks at him.
He winks. God fucking dammit. He hasn’t winked since he was eleven years old and hitting on girls. What the hell was he thinking?
Tetsuo rolls his eyes and turns away. Well, of course he does. Kaneda wants to slap himself.
He decides to test the waters. He scoots closer to him until their hips are touching. And he doesn’t do it slowly, like trying not to get noticed. Nope: it’s deliberate, shameless, and bold. After all, at this point, it doesn’t make any difference how awkward it gets.
Tetsuo doesn’t move away, though. He doesn’t even tense up a bit. He stays right where he is. Kaneda takes note.
The bathroom looks like the setting of a horror movie, with missing tiles on the walls and flickering lights. Anything but romantic, but that doesn’t stop Kaneda from tucking the finished cigarette into the case and, with a sigh, stretching his legs out in front of him, as if to show Tetsuo that he has no intention of leaving. They sit there for the whole song that’s echoing beyond the door, making the empty stalls tremble.
“Is it that boring?”
Kaneda turns quickly, shocked – but also excited – that Tetsuo spoke to him.
“Huh?”
“The party. If you’d rather sit in a bathroom than be out there, it must be boring as fuck”
Instead of replying with the first thing that comes to mind, Kaneda ponders. Which is new, really. He would pat himself on the back, but not now. Now he needs to focus and think carefully about what to say. It can’t be anything too straight – like, “See, Tets, this is what happens when you like someone: I’d rather sit here in silence with you than go dancing with anyone else” – but it’s still an opportunity he shouldn’t waste. He needs to go for something ambiguous but also meaningful. Enough to put Tetsuo on the right track, but without giving too much away.
After a few seconds, Kaneda shrugs, face twisting into a bored expression.
“There’s no one interesting out there”
He tries to put as much emphasis as possible on those last two words, hoping Tetsuo catches on. It works. Tetsuo stares at him, and Kaneda feels like he’s burning from head to toe. Now he really wishes he could go back to the party. Anything to escape those eyes. But this is what he wanted, so he endures it and tries to keep his cool. Tetsuo watches him with a look of awareness that both delights and scares him, swallows noisily and inhales deeply through his nose. Kaneda has no idea what it means.
He can’t remember the last time they were this close. He wishes he were more drunk. If he were, he probably would have made a move already. Anyway, he inches closer to him, erasing all distance between them. Their thighs are touching now, radiating a heat that wraps Kaneda up like a blanket. Once again, Tetsuo doesn’t react. Kaneda takes note.
Then the unexpected happens: Tetsuo crosses his legs on the floor, sighs and rests his head on Kaneda’s shoulder. Kaneda widens his eyes in surprise. His stomach plummets. Further and further down. Beneath the floor. He breathes in his scent – his scent multiplied tenfold, flooding his head, his stomach, everywhere. That smell clouds his brain and hardens his dick – not now, luckily. Kaneda looks down worriedly, but everything seems under control. He suppresses a shiver and, before his courage fades, gives Tetsuo’s leg a couple of casual pats. But then he leaves his hand there, resting on him. His face twists into an embarrassed grimace. What the hell. He’s Kaneda Shotaro. What the hell is wrong with him all of a sudden? Where are his game and bravado? Why, of all times, do they have to abandon him right now that he’s alone with Tetsuo?
Then, out of nowhere, a sudden fondness sweeps away his turmoil, mingling with a sense of familiarity that Kaneda thought they had lost long ago but that they seem to find now, in the bathroom of some random club on the west side of Neo-Tokyo. He looks at Tetsuo – he looks at his hair, since Tetsuo is still resting his head on his shoulder – and that’s when he realizes that there are so many things he’d like to ask him.
‘How are you, Tets? Really?’
‘Do you, uh... do you like someone?’
‘Are you feeling lonely?’ And, if he is, ‘Is it my fault?’
‘Do you feel this thing between us, too? Is it consuming you like it does me?’
Could it be that Kaneda is the only one feeling the pull that constantly draws him toward the other?
Tetsuo seems to read his mind, because suddenly he lifts his head, and their eyes lock. From that moment on, Kaneda loses track of time and space. The music becomes muffled, the edges of their surroundings blur. Kaneda lifts a hand – his fingers are trembling, and he hates it, but he doesn’t want to stop, he can’t, his body is acting on its own – and slowly brings it to Tetsuo’s face. Tetsuo barely furrows his brow, scanning Kaneda’s face with a wariness that makes him feel terrible. The last thing he wants is for Tetsuo to think he’s messing with him like usual.
Kaneda places his hand on his cheek with a gentleness he’s never used in his life, marveling at the warmth and softness of his skin. He can’t help himself and gently strokes under Tetsuo’s eye with his thumb, just once. Tetsuo’s features relax instantly; he blinks a couple of times as if to make sure he’s lucid enough, and his breathing gets heavier. Kaneda can feel it. His own breathing is getting heavier, too.
Tetsuo looks at his mouth, then back into his eyes. Kaneda does the same.
Usually, a kiss starts slow, with tentative attempts to find the right fit without scaring the other person. Two people get to know each other gradually, gaining confidence and then turning hungry, passionate, relentless.
For the two of them, it’s the opposite. Obviously. Kaneda would laugh about it if he hadn’t shut his brain off the moment their lips touched. He expected this kind of passion from himself, but not from Tetsuo. Could it be that Tetsuo wanted this too? That he wanted it just as much as Kaneda? It seems too good to be true.
Their tongues meet with reverence and eagerness, noses brushing and breaths colliding halfway. Kaneda is cupping Tetsuo’s face in both hands now, while every part of his body lights up on fire – and they’re just kissing. Tetsuo slides his arms around Kaneda’s neck, urging him to get closer, to hold him tighter, to give him more.
It’s an uncomfortable position for kissing – the whole setting is utterly uncomfortable: the hard floor, the awful techno music in the background, the drunken, rowdy voices just a door away, the friends that could walk in at any moment, but it’s unimportant.
They map out each other’s mouths, entwining and sucking each other’s tongues, licking and biting each other’s lower lips. They don’t know how long they keep goin and they don’t care – they won’t stop until they’ve satisfied the desire, jealousy, and longing they’ve kept inside for years.
Then they slow down: their kisses become soft pecks, lips locking unhurriedly. Paradoxically, this is much more intimate than the previous exchange of spit. Kaneda keeps his hands anchored to Tetsuo’s face while they catch their breath, foreheads touching and Tetsuo’s hand gripping the back of Kaneda’s neck, his thumb lightly brushing his hair, sending a shiver through the older boy.
There’s no way he can stop now. It’s not enough. He wants so much more.
But he’ll never do anything that Tetsuo doesn’t want too.
He opens his eyes to try and read his face, and he feels himself sinking into distress when he sees the fear in Tetsuo’s eyes; Kaneda realizes that the gears inside that stubborn head of his must be turning again, and who knows what he’s thinking now. Who knows what he’s remembering – maybe one of their recent fights. A particularly sharp comment from Kaneda that wounded his pride. Some stupid thing Kaneda might have said or done without realizing, something that pushed Tetsuo away.
Kaneda has plenty of reasons to feel guilty toward him, but he doesn’t want to think about it, and he doesn’t want Tetsuo thinking about it either. He wants him to shut it all out and focus on the here and now.
The fact is... fuck, he wants him so much. He’s been waiting for this moment for three years.
Tetsuo’s pupils dart all over Kaneda’s face, searching for confirmation, caught in a contagious panic, as if he’s only now realizing what they’ve done. Kaneda shakes his head.
“Don’t think,” he breathes, so softly that he doubts Tetsuo even heard him. It comes out like a plea, and tomorrow he’ll probably regret exposing himself so much, but he couldn’t care less right now. He leans in slowly not to scare him, until their noses touch, and he closes his eyes. “Don’t think”
And by some miracle, Tetsuo doesn’t.
As the Capsules leave the club, Kaneda brushes his fingers against Tetsuo’s. It’s a deliberate gesture, but there’s no malice in it, and he revels in the power he feels when he senses Tetsuo’s body jump slightly. Tetsuo’s eyes dart to his, wide and almost panicked. Kaneda doesn’t bat an eye and keeps walking.
They’ve been stealing shy, complicit glances at each other all night, after that half-hour-long kiss, followed by bites, hickeys, and other stuff that, Kaneda is sure, will provide enough material for his masturbation sessions for the next fifteen years. They haven’t said a word to each other after that, but Kaneda has a feeling that they don’t need to. Not now, at least.
None of their friends seem to have noticed anything, too busy with the girls and the music; they stagger toward their bikes, oblivious to the two trailing behind in silence. Kai, always the tipsiest of the group, is still laughing at Watanabe’s last joke.
“Shut your mouth, or I’ll leave you here, and you can walk home!” Yamagata shouts at him, as the whole group breaks into loud laughter.
“Hey, what’s with you two?” Kuwata suddenly asks, startling Kaneda and Tetsuo. “What happened to you in there? Did you spend the night talking about life?”
Tetsuo lowers his gaze, hiding a slight blush. Kaneda just shakes his head, forcing a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Something like that,” he answers, trying to sound casual.
“Well, cheer up, for fuck’s sake! Let’s go for a ride before we head home!”
The bikes around them roar to life, the sound echoing through the night. Tetsuo walks to his bike, eyes down, and grabs his helmet.
Kaneda lingers behind, watching him. Fuck it, he wants them to see. He wants them all to see.
He catches up with him in two strides, grabs him by the lapels of his jacket, and presses his lips against his in a long kiss, smothering the gasp of surprise that escapes the younger boy. Once the shock wears off, Tetsuo shyly kisses him back.
“What the f—?”
That is all Kaneda manages to hear: any other shook comment from the boys gets drowned out by the roar of the bikes’ engines.
He feels Tetsuo smile against his mouth, and that’s enough to lift Kaneda into the air like a stupid, happy balloon.
To hell with everyone else. Tetsuo is his, now.