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End-semester exams are the most tiring and soul sucking regardless of how hard you work - this is something Jeongguk had heard from his friends over and over. He regretted not taking the warning more seriously but had thought it was the usual fear mongering seniors did to freshers in college - never take morning classes, college workload makes high school workload look like a joke, and the like. Now that he was realising that all of this “fear-mongering” rang true, he reminisced the innocence with which he had entered college, thinking he would make it his bitch. At this point, it wasn’t clear whether he was trying to finish this degree or if this degree was trying to finish him.
He missed hanging out with his friends, and the comfort of someone else’s presence even though when he wasn’t suffering the torture that is the modern examination system, he was very good at keeping himself company. But with his mind so occupied with the material that he would most likely forget the day after he gave his exams, he wasn’t very good company, for himself or his friends.
It had hardly been four or five days since he had taken to locking himself up in his room or holing himself up in the study section of the library to study, but time seemed to move so slow that he found himself day-dreaming about how good it felt to feel Jimin’s small hand mess his hair up when he made a particularly snarky teasing remark at him, to listen to Taehyung’s low voice talking about the newest artist that he was fanboying over. He was, naturally, closest to the two youngest members of his friend group, though he treasured his relationships with the elder ones too. Seokjin always insisted on treating him to a meal, muttering something about how he’s a growing boy, although Jeongguk was fairly sure he’s done all the growing (at least physically) that he possibly could. Hoseok always accompanied him to the dance room when he was feeling restless and needed to dance it out. Yoongi always asked him for his opinion on lyrics he had written or a track he had produced and seemed to genuinely value it too. And Namjoon… well, the less Jeongguk said about him the better.
Meeting Namjoon had been what Jeongguk considered a life-changing event. The first time Jimin and Taehyung had invited him out with their friends after adopting him (as they referred to it), Jeongguk was extremely nervous. In his head, this hang-out was going to be the determining factor in whether he was going to go through his uni life a loner or with friends. Unfortunately for him, Namjoon had been wearing shorts that exposed his honey-golden, muscular thighs and if Jeongguk had reacted to the sight by exclaiming “wow, thighs!” in front of the people he was supposed to be making a good impression on, then could he really be blamed?
Namjoon, gracious beyond belief, had just pretended he hadn’t heard anything, promptly skipping to asking Jeongguk all about himself. His other hyungs weren’t so gracious but the way Namjoon had tried to make him comfortable and had listened to what he had to say really cemented Jeongguk’s crush on him. And then Namjoon smiled, revealing perfect dimples and Jeongguk never stood a chance, really.
That Namjoon reciprocated his feelings was like a dream. Jeongguk didn’t really understand how he got so lucky but he really wasn’t about to question it. The first thing Jeongguk had done when they started dating was to sink his index finger deep into Namjoon’s dimples, which had caused Namjoon to smile harder and for his dimples to deepen. Thinking about Namjoon’s dimples wasn’t really conducive to Jeongguk’s goal of absolutely acing his end-semesters but Jeongguk was a weak man.
The stress of doing well, which could only be achieved by doing perfect according to him, was starting to get to him. He had gotten through a considerable amount of material but there was just..so much more to do. And the fact that this was just his first year and he was already drowning a bit wasn’t lost on him. In fact, he was pretty sure that that particular fact running through his head repeatedly was the cause for the tension building behind his eyes.
Another cause could be that he didn’t remember the last time he had eaten something substantial or slept for more than two hours. To be fair, he hadn’t intended to skip meals. He just felt like it was a waste of time to go down to the mess and have a proper meal so he had taken to chomping on energy bars while studying for the time being. He knew that this wasn’t healthy. He also knew that if he saw any of his friends acting the way he was, he would scold them and drag them to get some fresh air and proper food. But he couldn’t help but be a hypocrite when it came to these things. Somewhere deep in his head, the idea that he didn’t work as hard as he should was already ingrained. All he could do was to try and prove that idea wrong.
The irony was that he realised working himself to the bone like this wasn’t the most efficient way to study. The way he was studying right now, in a state where he felt like shit and wasn’t doing anything to feel like anything else, no doubt resulted in him getting through concepts slower than usual. But Jeongguk had always been an over-achiever. He had always been told he was bright and smarter than the kids his age, that he was doing better than was expected for his age. His high-school teachers knew his potential even though there were times he couldn’t fulfil it because he was just too fatigued. His college professors didn’t seem to care about him enough to get to know him though. Getting the best grades possible would be the only way to prove to them that he was worth something, that he was an absolute academic weapon and they’d be better off never doubting that.
This lifestyle wasn’t permanent, anyway. He would ace his examinations and then go back to being the healthy boy that he was. He could finally get back to eating balanced meals and going to the gym and sleeping 8 hours each night. It’s just this one stretch that he had to get through. And it’s not like his friends weren’t going through the same thing. Maybe they were making smarter decisions but at the end of the day, they were all slogging through their course materials and trying not to renounce material life to go live in the mountains.
Namjoon walked into the library and the sight of the back of Jeongguk’s round head bent over a notepad and his laptop greeted him. Though he was relieved to know Jeongguk wasn’t avoiding his messages on purpose, his admiration for Jeongguk’s “hard work and determination” which turned out to be a destructive perfectionist work ethic in disguise had worn off. It’s not that he felt neglected by his boyfriend. He was all too familiar with the tendency of end-semester examinations to take over students’ lives completely. He was just concerned. He had suspected that Jeongguk was overworking himself when he didn’t show up at the mess for any meals but now approaching Joengguk’s table, he realised that the situation was worse than he had expected. Jeongguk’s posture was hunched and stiff, as if he hadn’t gotten out of his chair in hours. His hair seemed lifeless and limp, and he had massive shadows under his eyes.
'Jeongguk-ah?' he crooned softly, not wanting to disturb the quiet atmosphere of the library. Jeongguk looked up from his work, startled. .
“Oh hi, hyung. Are you here to study too?”
Namjoon held back a flinch at the hoarse texture of Jeongguk’s usually sweet and soft voice. Jeongguk himself seemed shocked at the way his voice sounded from hours of disuse. “Nah, I’ve been studying with Yoongi and Hoseok at their place..I just came here to check on you. How’s the end-sem cramming going? You haven’t replied to my messages since this morning.”
Jeongguk winced, reaching for his phone, which was on silent mode all day. “Oh fuck, I didn’t even realise it was already 6 in the evening. Sorry hyung, I must have been too focussed.” He gave him a sheepish smile to convey that he really did feel bad about not replying to his messages but it did little to soothe Namjoon’s concern.
“How long have you been here?” Namjoon asked, trying to mask the worry in his voice.
“Ah, I think since 9 in the morning.”
“I’m guessing you haven’t eaten anything all day?” Namjoon gruffed out, his tone scolding and a bit annoyed.
Jeongguk bristled, feeling defensive all of a sudden. “I’ve had a few energy bars but no, I haven’t had the time,” he said, coldness seeping into his tone.
Namjoon sighed out loud. Trying to diffuse the tension of the conversation because he didn’t want to stress Jeongguk out even more, he ran a hand through Jeongguk’s soft head, the texture of his hair a little greasy. “Baby, aren’t you working yourself too hard? We all have exams right now but you’re the only one isolating yourself and skipping meals. When’s the last time you got a good amount of sleep?”
Jeongguk’s eyes shut involuntarily at the gentle touch of Namjoon’s hand, though his answer came out pouty and defensive. “I just have a lot to do hyung, ok?”
Jeongguk felt guilt build in his chest at the defeated look on Namjoon’s face. “Ok. But that doesn’t answer my question Gguk-ah. When’s the last time you got some sleep?” Namjoon’s thumb glided over Jeongguk’s cheekbone, which elicited a low whimper from Jeongguk. His posture stiffened at the line of questioning though. “Hyung, it’s not like I don’t want to sleep. I just need to do well on these exams, y'know?”
Namjoon hummed in response, pulling up a chair to sit next to Jeongguk. Namjoon’s tone had been firm and a little annoyed all throughout this conversation but his touch had been gentle, as if Jeongguk was something to be handled delicately.
Namjoon grabbed Jeongguk’s hand, stroking his fingers and palm with his fingers tenderly. “I love how determined you are. But I also know that you’re smart and know that this isn’t smart. I haven’t seen you at all this past week. You’ve barely replied to any of my texts. I haven’t seen you in the mess. You know I’m always here to support you and your hard work but I need you to take care of my boyfriend while you do that.”
Jeongguk blushed, the deep timbre of Namjoon’s voice making him feel some type of way. The words his boyfriend was saying weren’t easily digestible though. “Hyung, I get it but you’re being kind of dramatic. I’m just trying to do my best.” he defended. Namjoon’s fingers stilled, and his jaw clenched. He raised an eyebrow at Jeongguk, who defiantly gazed back into his eyes. “Does doing your best mean working yourself to death?” The words come out more accusatory than he had intended, but Namjoon was feeling on edge. It felt like Jeongguk was being dense on purpose at this point. And it hurt to be called dramatic for caring about his well-being.
Jeongguk flinched away from Namjoon, his expression angry and betrayed. “Why can’t you just be proud of me? You’re being so harsh and you’ve been so harsh since you came here. I know you’re just smart naturally but some people have to work for it.”
Namjoon clenched his jaw again, and then took a deep breath in. When he looked back at Jeongguk, he found wet, glimmering, angry eyes staring back at him and suddenly, his entire body softened. “I’m sorry, you're right. I’m stressed too and I was worried about you and missed you. And I am proud of you. But I would be proud of you no matter how you did on your exams. Can you take a break with me? Relax for a while?”
It was a testament to just how exhausted Jeongguk was that he immediately burst into tears. The librarian looked over to their table and seemed confused as to whether to shush him for being loud or turn a blind eye to the commotion. Everyone had a soft spot for Jeongguk after all. He was still embarrassed though, and hiccupped, trying to quiet himself.
“Oh no baby,” Namjoon hugged him tightly, as much as he could with them sitting on separate chairs and stroked his back, shushing him. “Let’s go to my place for a while? Okay?” Namjoon pulled away and quickly packed all of Jeongguk's things, deaf to his exhausted boyfriend's protests. He grabbed Jeongguk's hand and guided him out of the library.
Namjoon's flat wass a 10 minute walk away from campus and walking there would give Jeongguk time to calm down. Once they were there, he would make him some tea and sit down and have a long talk with him about academic boundaries and then they could study together. He quietly relayed the tea part of the plan to Jeongguk, who was still sniffling, nose and eyes red. He nodded cutely and took his hand back to wipe at his eyes. A helpless desire to kiss him took over Namjoon but he didn’t give into it in favour of taking Jeongguk’s hand again and kissing the back of it before letting go..
The walk to Namjoon’s flat did calm Jeongguk down, the weight of his things on Namjoon's back instead. He thought there was a metaphor in there somewhere . How Namjoon shouldered his worries effortlessly .How he unburdened Jeongguk.
He took a deep breath. He already felt much better, the silent presence of his steady and reliable boyfriend beside him, the supposed hopelessness of the situation a little clearer, a little more logical in his mind. He took another breath and reached out to interlace his hand with Namjoon's once more.
The action brought a subtle smile to Namjoon's face and oh, those dimples made an appearance again. Jeongguk felt giddy at how suddenly his reality had changed. Just a few minutes ago, he was despairing over not being good enough and feeling hopeless about the amount of work he had and now he was holding hands with his loving and caring boyfriend, walking under the warm summer sun to his flat to cuddle and rest and eat something. Jeongguk felt the warmth of the sun trickle into his chest, and make its way to his hands that were connected to Namjoon’s.
Things would be okay.