Chapter Text
Astre stood in front of his bedroom door. He already felt his stomach churn from images of what was behind it. Sirius hadn’t left their room once this entire day, and it was already nighttime.
Astre knew his brother wouldn’t take the news well, not at all, but his new life was at his fingers and he can’t turn his back on it now.
And yet, he wanted to at least be with his brother for one more night.
Astre took a breath and opened the door. Light from the hallway flooded the dark room as he called out for his older brother. “Ciel?”
He didn’t get a response. The only indication of life in this stuffy blue room was a sad, Sirius-shaped lump under the sheets of their shared bed. The digital clock shined red against it, and it was 8:37PM, meaning he’d been in bed for twelve hours. Astre left the door ajar and snuck closer, not too loud as he felt that Sirius was too fragile not to break at the first heavy heel.
When Astre reached his brother’s side of the bed and bent down, Sirius hid the bottom half of his face. He only saw his brother’s crying eyes; He hid the face that contorted into shapes uglier than he could bear his little brother to see.
“Ciel…”
“How could you do it?”
It was brutal how broken Sirius’s voice was. It could’ve made Astre lose his resolve, and he could’ve spent the rest of his years begging for his brother to forgive his wants to leave. Sirius was rarely this unhappy, this miserable.
He couldn’t waver, though. He had to do this for himself.
That wasn’t enough to stop his own tears.
“Ciel… I can’t live here anymore. I can’t stay. I,” Astre took the hand that used their duvet to cover Sirius’s face. He took it with both hands and took his seat on the floor. “I won’t… stay, that is.”
Sirius’s eyes wouldn’t stop trembling and Astre couldn’t bear to look at his face despite uncovering it for that purpose. Astre’s words echoed in the silence. His tears trickled down his cheeks, and Sirius’s tears met both of his eyes. Blue, despite the waterworks blurring his irises. His left eye was constantly flooding. Shared sniffles in unbearable quiet; silence.
“Ciel please, please say something.”
And Sirius took a tumble down the edge of the bed, the duvet still clinging to his body as he fell on the floor to hold his brother. If anyone were to walk in on this scene, they would think Sirius was trying to ensnare Astre. To keep him by his side forever. To keep him in his world, feverishly hot under the covers, stuck in their stuffy room. The next words that came out of his mouth were quiet, they mimicked his shivers, and they didn’t scratch the surface of all the words he wanted to tell his brother.
“Do you really have to go?”
Sirius looked up when he said it. If he looked into his twin’s eyes and saw reason, any reason, he would start to accept it.
“Yes, Ciel, I do.”
He would never fully accept it.
“Do you have to leave me alone?”
“Ciel,” Astre choked up. It would be so easy to never leave. “Yes, I do. But you can always visit.” The offer was sincere, he had to leave but he never had to stay away. And he would never fully go away. “And if you miss me everyday, you don’t have to. We can still call, text—”
“No!”
Astre flinched when his brother finally raised his voice.
“I need you, I always need you, you can’t…” Sirius hid his face into Astre’s shoulder and he could feel tears and drool moisten his day clothes.
Sirius’s sadness was barely comforted when Astre finally reciprocated his hold, feeling just how sweaty his pajamas were. It was only his voice, not his mind, that was quieted when Astre quietly shushed him. He felt his head pushed into his little brother’s chest and the tension finally left his body, the fuel of unsaid words and resentment finally burned up and it left his body frail.
“Ciel, we still have the night together. You’ll have me tonight. You can always have it.”
Sirius sniffled, gripped Astre’s chest and pushed himself up. He straddled his little brother’s lap and looked down at him. He was defiled but truthfully, pure. He took his life out of his older brother’s hands, into his own but he wanted forgiveness as if he were the one in the wrong.
Sirius had told his brother that he was the selfish one, wanting to leave, shifting the blame of sin off of himself and onto Astre.
He wiped his tears first, then his mouth.
“Do you promise?”
“Yes, but—,” Astre felt himself gently pushed against his brother’s nightstand. His strength was uncharacteristic for someone who hadn’t yet broken his 24-hour fast, but his brother was always stronger than him.
“Will I always have you?” Sirius’s breath, still overheated from being bedridden, ghosted over Astre’s neck as their heads rested against the pristine white nightstand. The ticklish feeling of a body hovering next to his sensitive parts always made Astre tense.
They were only ten years old when Sirius first came into the room late at night, talking about something he saw their mom and dad doing in their room. He spoke of “naked bodies", “horrid noises Mommy made”, and he saw Daddy hurting her and her liking it.
He saw everything, and he wanted to do it to Heaven, too. He didn’t tell Heaven of the hurt, he told him that “Daddy did it because he loved Mommy”.
He told Heaven nothing of it and only hoped that he liked it. They were ten years old when they played like mom and dad. Heaven made beautiful sounds. His screams cleansed Sirius of any guilt, for what he brought into the world that day was a miracle worth every tear and bruise he gave his baby brother.
They knew better now, of course.
“Take it all.” Astre felt his brother’s sigh on his neck, and he looked anywhere but where Sirius was when he latched onto his skin.
The morning after, Sirius counted all of his brother’s bruises before the sun rose.
All thirty-seven of them.
—
When Ciel landed in California, it was only late afternoon. Jetlag made it so the only thing he wanted to do was sleep, but he had too much of the day left and he would need to fill it up with small talk and moving and…
Ciel was really alone at this stage of the move. The only thing he knew was that his parents hired movers and that he wouldn’t have to lift a finger, or something. But right now, he had nowhere to go except to his new “home”, and he really didn’t want to see it just yet.
Instead, Ciel started aimlessly wandering the airport with his personal luggage in tow. It didn’t have a lot, just a change of clothes and things he would’ve needed on the flight, but it still managed to feel heavy with how sore his arm was from the confinement of the plane and the confinement of… other things.
Ciel found a decent-looking cafe in the midst of all these name-brand places and jewelry stores. If the coffee was twelve bucks, so be it.
After placing an order at the kiosk, Ciel sat down and pulled out his phone and looked at the few updates he got from Alois.
Luckily enough, he wasn’t rooming with a total stranger. He considered Alois a family friend, and his best friend at that. Ever since he was a little boy, Senator Trancy from New Jersey visited his father and he would always bring around this meek child that he said was his son. Sirius, being the outgoing child he was, extended a hand to him despite the boy’s reservations and the three really enjoyed each other’s company after he warmed up to them.
A day after Alois turned twelve, the Trancy’s visited the Phantomhive Property once more. No grand celebrations were held, hell not even gifts since the twins didn’t know it was his birthday. Astre tried not to remember all the details, to give Alois some grace, but it was that day when Alois divulged important aspects of his life, including the reality of his relationship with Senator Trancy. The twins were sworn to secrecy.
The only thing he could remember about his childhood was his mother. By his description of her, Astre could only imagine she shone even brighter than the boy in front of him. Her blonde hair a shade lighter than his, her eyes a light, almost porcelain blue. Alois said his mother was the only good thing that resided in the world he was born in, that she protected him from his father as much as her body could take it. She would die, mourning how she could only protect but not save her son. His father, not willing to handle the murder charge, would flee after finishing his beer and end up dead on some train tracks.
Then Alois would leave, too. But he really had nowhere to go, all he could do was find a road and wait for a car to find him. And eventually one did, obviously, and he couldn’t remember any details but he would remember being brought to a place to live with lots of other children like him, and then one day he was brought into the… office? And that was the day he first saw Senator Trancy.
Alois learned later that Senator Trancy bought him. It was so funny to him in retrospect, he actually thought Trancy was a decent-looking fellow back at that place, such a world away from everything Alois couldn’t remember.
Then that world was shoved down his throat, into his hands and hair and—
Alois was bought to be Senator Trancy’s sex toy. It’s honestly pretty perverted of him, parading Alois around like he was his son when he was really just his cockwarmer. Alois was afraid of being used in front of the important people his “father” knew, maybe even by them, but Trancy never violated his insides when in the confines of someone else’s place. Some touches here and there, but never brave enough to go all the way.
Astre couldn’t see Alois the same after that. Not really in a bad way, not as if he were lesser or too vile to touch. Hell, he sometimes wondered if they would have matching bruises after being fucked from the inside in the same manner.
No, Astre couldn’t think of Alois as such a bad person anymore. After Alois had become less reserved around the pair, the lord knows how much of a handful he was. Sirius may have enjoyed the older boy’s boisterous, most days crude attitude, but Astre would always dread it when he was dragged along to these overly energetic playdates. Around Sirius, Alois would be infinitely annoying, troublesome, but Astre would always get caught if he tried to sneak away.
After Alois told the pair about himself, Sirius pretended like he didn’t even exist half the time, and that was when he was giving him grace. The other half, he would glare at him like muddy litter on the curb, as if he wished someone would come along and wipe that boy of filth from the estate’s floor. When he didn’t feel like lashing out at the exiled boy, he still wasted his breath muttering about how disgusting he was. Slumber parties in the twins’ room were now a figment of Alois’s imagination, forbidden lest his presence invites the old man into that blue haven. However, Astre didn’t want the older boy to feel lonely in a place he begged to come to, so when meetings got long, he would visit Alois in one of the guest bedrooms at night. Typically, they would have these moments to themselves, so Astre was able to see the kind of person Alois was when around just him. They never fooled around. They would just… talk, and have tea. They even read stories until Sirius came down and told him to stop spending so much time on a whore like Alois.
Alois moved away when he turned 15. He didn’t tell anyone the full story. Sirius couldn’t care less, and Astre could’ve known it all from just the look on his face. It was full of relief and horror and… he had no idea if he would see tomorrow.
In exchange for being a gloryhole, Alois did get some perks financially. He also got some freedom by having “graduated” from Trancy’s odd desire for little boys. Maybe the old pig had some guilty conscience, because he had let Alois permanently move to California, all expenses paid. A lifetime offer. Slightly cruel of him to not tell Alois sooner, he seriously thought he would’ve been shot point-blank on the private jet, but he felt like it might’ve been okay for his life to turn out like this. He went through hells he couldn’t even remember it was that bad, but what he chose to remember was his mother’s clear blue eyes, and her shining blonde hair. The hand Sirius extended all those years ago, and the friendship he had with Astre for the following few years. And now he would never have to worry about money. He could make a life for himself here, even if it was all borrowed.
Like Ciel said, sworn to secrecy. Honestly, he couldn’t wait to see his best friend after so long. How long had they known each other? Two years before Alois’s twelfth birthday, then another three years until he moved. Nearly four years since then. It was only mid-year, so neither of their birthdays had come yet, but Alois’s would mark the tenth year that they’ve known each other. It’s already been almost a decade. Strange.
The coffee was decent. Obviously not for the price but for its convenience as well? Worth the trouble, but Ciel would probably get some for Alois at a different place.
Ciel wanted to see Alois. He finally called an Uber and crossed the bridge from his past life to the next.
—
Alois was fast . Ciel had barely gotten out of the car before Alois caged him in a hug, jostling the cups Ciel was holding.
“ Oh , Heaven! God I missed your face,” and he pulled away to smush it with two hands.
“...Likewise.” Ciel could see Alois was directing the moving van in his stead, which must’ve been how he was caught so quickly. He was preparing himself to climb those dreadful stairs and what he’d say after he knocked on the door…
Well. They’re here now.
“I got you some coffee. Maybe it’s too late for some, but–”
“Oh, please! It’s never too late for drinks. Come help me, will you? You brought way too much stuff, you weren’t moving into a bare apartment. Or a big one! Come on,” as Alois hollered for the men to put everything down for a bit, Ciel got his luggage and tipped the Uber more than he felt was necessary since it waited up longer than expected.
“Heaven, come on up and look at the place, you’ll see exactly what I mean when I say you overpacked. Put down the coffees and we’ll have these men fly your furniture back to New Hampshire.”
“Fine by me. Those things are probably older than Queen Elizabeth.” They had a laugh and went to the elevator.
The apartment was on the second floor thank god, but Alois wasn’t joking about it being quite cozy. Ciel almost felt like he was imposing by moving in, it was only a one-bed one-bath!
“For how long did you know I was coming here?”
“Emm, a little over three months?”
“You never considered upgrading that entire time?”
“Well, how about you get a taste of minimalistic living before you judge!”
Alois seemed very content with his living quarters. Enough for one person, most definitely. After coexisting with someone else for so long, maybe Ciel could get used to this. His walls back home were too big and too bare, and while Alois’s weren’t decorated any more so to say, there was a lot less space that needed filling.
Ciel’s own belongings were still in boxes, but it looked like if anything, his art supplies were up here. He placed the cupholder on the closest table he found and headed back down to double check what was going to be flown back out.
—
Alois sat on the couch watching as Ciel unpacked his art supplies and propped the easel next to the window. He almost forgot to keep the little pieces of furniture, like his stool and display table that were in the box with the still-lifes.
“Say, Alois, would you mind just calling me ‘Ciel’ from now on?” Now that Ciel was far enough away from his brother, there would be no problem with getting them mixed up. Though, Alois never had trouble with that. He felt that it was easy enough to tell them apart, but he never openly admitted it in fear of all the times he did get it wrong.
“I would mind a little. Is it that big of a deal?” After everything that happened, even if Alois didn’t find it necessary to recall every bad experience he had with Ciel’s older brother, he didn’t like the correlation. Even if Sirius was careful enough to not inflict anything worth being ratted on, even if Alois still had good memories of the twin…
Well, he would get over it. “Nevermind, ‘Ciel’ is good.”
Ciel didn’t feel good about asking this. After two years of not seeing each other, this might’ve been the worst moment to ask but if he didn’t, he would never be able to. He needed to ask Alois for something horrible just this once.
“Alois.”
“Yes?”
“Do you feel like… Do you… hm.” Alois was quiet while Ciel tried to find the words. To try to make them less offensive.
“Is Senator Trancy a part of you?”
“What?”
“Do you miss him? Are you thankful for him? Are you happy he took over your life because without someone else taking the wheel, you don’t know what would become of you?”
“What the hell are you saying?”
Ciel looked at Alois. His eyes were tinted red as they glossed over. He didn’t want to offend his best friend, but he didn’t know anyone else who would even begin to understand what was happening with him. His body had broken down first, then his heart made itself clear of its aching, then Alois became fragile as well.
“Alois… is it normal… to…”
“Spit it out.”
Ciel’s quiet sobs nearly overpowered his even quieter whispers. “It’s as if I don’t want to live without him. Like if I became too much of myself, I’d lose everything I knew about him. Alois he hurt me so much, he made me a monster but I don’t know what I’d be– I don’t know how to be my own person it’s almost like I can’t — I don’t even know who I’d be without him and now I am without him and he made sure I’d feel horrible about it…”
“...”
A long silence.
“Go wash up, Heaven. The long flight must’ve taken a lot out of you. Time zones, yeah? Get some rest.”
—
Ciel’s mind was full of jumbled words. Mixed feelings. While he took a shower with Alois’s toiletries, the older teen was preparing dinner in the kitchen that was hardly a few steps away.
When Ciel finished toweling off, he realized he forgot to bring in his clothes. He still stepped out of the bathroom, and Alois looked him over without a word. No remarks, no gasps, only a vague understanding in his face when he beckoned Ciel to move into the bedroom as he grabbed something from the bathroom that went humid after the shower.
Ciel sat down on the bottom bunk and his head hung low. Opening up over something that couldn’t even compare to what the older boy went through only made him feel worse for bringing it up at all. Alois came back with a first-aid kit. He applied ointment to every blemish he could see, and bandaged nineteen of his bruises. He knew where to find them all. Innocent scrapes below the kneecap, coincidental bruises on every limb, the massive, inexplicable marks above each hip. Alois didn’t have to do this for a while, but it reminded Ciel of exactly how much Alois had to go through. Had to see. More than Ciel could fathom, probably. Maybe he could dare to say that, it felt like Alois was looking out for him.
He handed Ciel the ointment to cover anything he missed as he grabbed his favorite set of pajamas to give him. Alois had already told him to stop unpacking, so this would have to do for tonight.
Not many words were exchanged over dinner. Some casual, “This is good,” and “Thank you”’s. Alois had cooked two steaks, medium rare for himself and medium well for Ciel, alongside a portion of garnished mashed potatoes seasoned scarcely to complement the red meat. He took the liberty of cutting both of their steaks as well and water accompanied both of their meals. Alois unpacked some of Ciel’s clothes until Ciel finished washing the dishes.
Then they tucked in for the night.
But not really. Each of them heard the other toss and turn, maybe even hoping they would give up on sleeping so they could have a much-needed talk to get their minds off things.
“Alois, I’m really sorry. I didn’t want to bring it up again but… I’m really lost. I don’t know how to explain it.”
“Well, it is a big city.” Alois chuckled humorlessly. It wasn’t what he wanted to say at all.
“I don’t miss him, but it’s okay that you do. You were family. He essentially picked me off the street and changed my entire life, my world. I paid the price, and I don’t feel guilty for taking more than I’m worth.”
“You’re worth more than his money.”
“Shh, enough.” Alois was hurt by Ciel’s words earlier, but he didn’t say it because he was cruel. Alois knew what Ciel meant, and he didn’t have to apologize.
“Heaven.” He said Ciel’s nickname once more, because it might be the last time he would let himself say it.
“You’ll never forget about him. I can tell you for certain that you won’t spend a damn day of your life without thinking you’re wronging him by living without him. You think that the only place you belong is by his side, being milked dry until you forget what you’re worth. Like you’re just an extension of him. You’ll vaguely understand it after long enough but I’ll give you the words for it: you are so, so much more than what you think you are. Being so reliant on someone else makes you forget all of that so easily, having to live off being codependent. Ciel, if you ever feel lost, too far from home, too far from Sirius, know that Sirius isn’t your home. That stuffy house back in New Hampshire? It’s going to miss you, yes, but you don’t need it. Ciel, your home is where you are. If you can’t find yourself, hell I’ll tell you all about yourself. You have a bright mind, you care about everyone, you frame paintings in the scenery with just your fingers. You’re going to love it here. You’re going to love being here, and I’m going to love having you here with me. Being defiled doesn’t make you a monster. Being used for your purity, exchanged for their own cruelty, doesn’t make you dirty. It makes you like me. And if you ever need someone to talk to, about missing your brother or about… really anything, I’ll be your shoulder.”
Ciel was going to cry. Forget that, he’s been crying. He was biting his lower lip to keep his whimpers in, but it didn’t work very well and Alois could hear most of it.
“Would you like me to come down there?”
Ciel was so exhausted. He was sore everywhere, so much so that he could barely lay down. All he wanted to do was sleep, but he felt so restless. There wasn’t a single day in the past 18 years that he had to sleep by himself, much less sleep alone with this much heartache.
His voice was small, shaking, and he had to sniffle before he could form any sound.
“Yes, please.”
Alois climbed down from his bunk and embraced Ciel, but he made a small trip to their computer niche before settling in.
“Give me a minute, now. I seriously can’t sleep without some noise.”
The room was quiet save for Alois’s languid clicks, until a song Ciel never heard before piqued from the outdated computer set-up. Once Alois deemed the sounds to be adequate, he slipped into Ciel’s bunk and fitted the younger into his arms. With his additional weight, Ciel felt comfortable enough to let his eyes rest and match his breathing to Alois’s. The noise in his brain settled, and now he could hear the distinct murmurs of the folk song.
“I only know of God because I have known you,
I swear it’s strange but I just want to protect you,
I hope we’re both saved somehow.”
The song ended and another was shuffled into play. The rhythm of the playlist echoed behind Ciel’s fatigued eyes and to the resonance of the unfamiliar, Ciel was lulled to sleep with Alois’s song and body.
