Savior Complex

by Logan_Howlett2003

Summary:

He felt his rib cage tighten around his lungs and suddenly his previous morality was choking him. She couldn't be his problem. He couldn't handle another responsibility, Sarah could never be anything other than his first priority.

"Dad... please,"

And yet... if anyone could ever convince him to do anything, it was going to be her. Her pleading brown eyes, brimming with tears at the idea of this girl being left out in the cold was ripping through him with a response he didn't want to give.

"For how long?"

~

Or... Sarah convincing Joel she needs a sibling.

Notes:

• Inspired by Stubborn Love by renegade_knight

Hello!

First thing I'd like to declare, this is my first fic on here so it might take me a while to get into the groove of things but I am excited! The Last of Us is such an important franchise to me so this is going to be very therapeutic to write.

Also I'd like to note that the idea of Ellie being in foster care was inspired by a fic I read on here called Stubborn Love by renegade_knight so you should totally check it out if you get the chance.

Next I would like to make a disclaimer that this is a sort of melting pot between the game and the show. Personally I love them both and they have a lot of great elements that I think would be really great together. For example, some dialogue from the game, but with some of the show characters.

Content warning: there will be a few character deaths, MAJOR medical mentions and settings, many of the negative parts of the U.S. foster system, grief,

Chapter 1: If I Ever Were To Lose You

A heavy sigh dragged out of his lips as the senseless ramble continued. Headers. They’d given them the wrong sizing for the headers and now they had to redo the whole damn thing. As if the first go around wasn’t difficult as is. Not because it should be, but because he worked with a bunch of young kids that didn’t know how to listen to anything but the fizzle of beer at the end of a ‘hard day's work’. He loved what he did, but who he did it with? That was a different story, and Tommy wasn’t much better than the lot of them but at least he took care to get shit done.

“Tommy, I don’t have time for this okay, I-”

The keys jingled as he pulled them back out of the lock and took a step into the house. There was Sarah, still resting peacefully on the couch. Well, she was, until she heard his voice. Shit.

“We’ll talk about it in the morning,” he said dismissively.

There was a hint of exhaustion in his tone that must’ve been received poorly, because the arguing on the other end of the line didn’t seem to improve his expression.

“Tommy.”

It was stern. Despite being a punk kid at heart, Tommy knew when to shut up and listen, and this was one of those times.

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

From the couch, Sarah sat up with a yawn and leaned in a bit, she could hear the muffled yeah, okay from the phone. That was the end of the conversation. She knew this because he tossed his phone onto the chair next to the couch and walked over.

“Scoot.”

Oh. He was pissed.

She cleared her throat a bit and did as she was told, making room for him to plop down with another frustrated sigh and run a hand over his face. She’d seen this plenty of times before. Something hadn’t gone right at work, somebody had installed something they shouldn’t have, or did something stupid, and now he was paying the price for it. Today of all days though, she wasn’t having the tantrum.

“Rough day?”

Usually reminding him he didn’t have to sulk alone drew him out of his bitterness and back to his normal self, so she opted to try that first.

It wasn’t as successful as she’d hoped, earning a small irritated grunt of agreement. She would’ve been somewhat disappointed if it hadn’t dawned on her just how late it might’ve been.

“Oh, shoot! What time is it?”

Joel instinctively pulled his wrist up a bit to look at his watch before remembering it had broken months ago and he hadn’t gotten a new one yet.

“I don’t- past your bedtime,” he huffed.

“But still today?”

His eyes squeezed shut and brows scrunched together the way they did when he got his migraines. It happened a lot, and he even took medicine for them, but it didn’t always work and it definitely never improved his mood when he got them.

“I love you, baby, but I do not have the energy for this right-”

He was cut off by a box being presented (more like shoved) in his direction. Glancing over at Sarah he noticed the shit-eating grin sprouting from ear to ear and knew she was up to something.

“What’s this?” he asked, taking the box almost hesitantly.

“Well for one, it’s not gonna bite you, and two it’s a present. Since you forgot to get the cake.”

He felt a stab in his chest at that. Cake. He’d forgotten the goddamn cake. In the total shitstorm that ensued on the way home from work, he’d completely forgotten he’d promised her that he would pick one up. Now everywhere was closed and they didn’t have anything to work with either.

“I-” he paused in defeat. “I’ll get one tomorrow.”

Sarah gave a sympathetic glance to the comment and nodded. She was disappointed and that was what hurt the most, but he’d be sure to keep his promise.

“Open it! I’m turning to dust just sitting here.”

He chuckled at her words.

“Well, then I must be a dinosaur.”

“Fossilized actually.”

He gave her a glare that looked something like ha-ha and she snickered in triumph.

Opening the lid of the silver box, he was surprised to see his watch sitting there. It was in much nicer condition than the last time he’d laid eyes on it.

“You kept complaining about your broken watch, and I knew you weren’t ever gonna buy a new one, so I fixed it for you.”

There was a sort of tension in his chest that threatened to rob him of all the air in his lungs and his heart clenched just the same. He couldn’t even remember his own birthday, and she’d likely taken the bus all the way to a jewelry store on some late work night to fix his watch. It was on the list of the sweetest things she’d ever done for him and he wondered what he might’ve done to deserve such a loving daughter. He couldn’t say that out loud though, it would spoil her fun.

“Did you?” he asked in response to her last comment, pulling the watch up to his ear to listen.

Her face dropped. Had it really not been fixed? Had his money been wasted on a gift that didn’t even work? She’d never forgive herself.

“Wha-”

Before she could even finish the sentence she leaned in to get a closer listen herself, and upon hearing the ticking of the hands she huffed and rolled her eyes. Leaning back into the couch she crossed her arms with an unenthused glance.

“That’s lame, you’re lame.”

He let out a proud sort of gremlin laugh at his successful attempt to annoy her and smiled. After his laughter died down though he finally did give her a moment of sincerity.

“Thank you.”

A moment.

“Hey, where did you get the money for this?” he asked, a hint of genuineness to the question.

“Drugs. I sell hardcore drugs.”

He huffed, a downturned smile and a head nod followed as if in consideration.

“Better than what I do.”

Sarah attempted to bite back the smile that crept up onto her cheeks, but she failed and eventually just stopped trying.

Joel quickly put his watch on and set the box on the table, kicking his feet up and leaning back. After grabbing the remote off the coffee table, he began to flip through the channels, eventually landing on 2000’s X-Men, and relaxing into his spot. Having seen the movie several times by now, Sarah just stretched out across the couch, laying her head on his leg and watching the tv screen, repeating the lines in her head. They both probably knew the whole thing word for word by then, but she wouldn’t ever get tired of it. Of course, she wouldn’t tell him that.

~

Sarah had fallen asleep within the first fifteen minutes of the movie. He figured she would’ve. It was late and school was starting back up soon. In fact, as the credits rolled, he was just about to shut the tv off and take her upstairs to her bed, but the phone rang and disrupted his plans. Letting out the millionth sigh of that night he picked it up and answered gruffly.

“Hello?”

He hadn’t looked at the caller ID, but he swore if it was Tommy again he was gonna-

“Joel? It’s me.”

Of course it was.

“Jesus, Tommy it’s past midnight, what the hell do you need that you have to call me this late?”

The assumption that this was a work call was his very first mistake of that night.

“Listen, I’m okay but-” he paused, like a child trying to find the best way to tell their parent they got in trouble at school.

That wasn’t far off.

“Yeah?” Joel urged.

“I’m in jail.”

“Goddamn it,” he huffed quietly.

Sarah shifted a bit and his eyes glanced down at her, making sure she was okay. She looked so peaceful, he didn’t want to wake her up because Tommy had decided to go out and be stupid.

“But- but it wasn’t my fault this time, okay? I was out for a drink with some of the guys from work and this guy at the bar goes crazy and starts swingin’. I stepped in, knocked him out, then the cops showed up-”

With every word Joel felt his patience thinning more and more and the urge to just leave him in the can for the weekend grew in its place.

Tommy must’ve heard that in his breathing because he continued to ramble.

“Look, it doesn’t matter, you’ve gotta bail me out.”

Joel let out a scoff.

“Now?” he asked, as if Tommy couldn’t possibly be serious.

“It’s Friday! If you don’t get me out I’ll be here all weekend!”

Good. He swallowed the response that crawled up his esophagus and washed it down with the crippling responsibility of being someone’s older brother. Of being Tommy-fucking-Miller’s older brother. Shithead.

“Which jail?” he finally caved, “Travis County?”

“Yeah, on ten.”

“God-” he drew in a sharp breath and nodded.

“I’m sorry.”

There was another beat of silence, but Joel was already sitting up straight.

“Please.”

Joel hated when he did that. Sarah did the same thing and he was pretty sure she’d learned it from her idiot uncle. Those two could get him to play tic-tac-toe in traffic if they asked it in precisely that way. One day it would get him in deep sh!t, but tonight? Tonight it meant bailing Tommy out. Again.

“Okay,” he said, hanging up and placing the phone back on the coffee table.

He then wiggled his way out from under Sarah so as not to wake her up, and carefully pulled her into his arms. He’d already decided he would leave her here while he dealt with Tommy. She didn’t need to be in that environment and especially not this late at night, so after scooping her up like she weighed nothing, he carried her up the stairs to her room.

She stirred a bit and made a face that looked halfway between pain and irritation. Even in her sleep she was scolding her for disturbing her peace. He smiled a bit to himself as he laid her down in her bed and tucked her in.

“Goodnight, babygirl, I’ll be back in a bit.”

His voice was almost as gentle as the kiss he placed gently on her forehead. After standing back up he lingered for a moment, looking at her as she slept. That same contentment from earlier filled his heart and made him feel like life couldn’t get any better. Then he remembered Tommy and the feeling dissipated a bit.

Dumbass.

~

Fire. It felt like a forest fire that started under a pile of sticks. Small embers of pain at first, then it grew into burning branches, clawing and snapping at more than just her stomach. Soon enough it overtook her intestines and her lungs. She stirred in her half-asleep state, but by the time it scratched its way up to the back of her tongue she was on her feet and scrambling to the bathroom down the hall.

Flinging the door open she dropped down in front of the toilet and the lid flipped up with an angry clink. She didn’t even have a full second before she was coughing and retching, her lunch making a reappearance before her.

Sarah hated being sick, as did everyone else she’d ever known, but normally she was tolerant of it because she felt better after. This didn’t feel like it got any better. With each round the fiery pain got worse and worse until it was so bad she felt like she might pass out… but that’s when she had the chance to lean back a bit and look at the mess in front of her. It wasn’t just food… it was a dark crimson paint that made her eyes go foggy.

~

As Joel pulled up at the jail he felt his annoyance growing with every step he took. The fact that it wasn’t the first time didn’t help, but it was so late, that he wasn’t sure he even had the energy to scold his brother. He just wanted to get him out and get home so that he could get some sleep.

His feet continued where his weary mind faltered, carrying him to the front desk where he ran a tired hand over his face and crossed his arms.

“Here to post bail.”

The lady behind the desk chuckled a bit and nodded.

“I wish I could say it was good to see you, Joel.”

Some of his anger flattened a little as he actually took care to pay attention to the person in front of him. Katherine. She worked the front desk from time to time, and considering the fact that Tommy only seemed to get himself in trouble during the late hours of the night, she seemed to always be the one Joel spoke to.

“Likewise,” he said, and there was a sort of genuineness to it that made her smile.

“He’s in the back, I’ll go get him.”

“Thanks.”

Before she could take the time to respond she was already going to retrieve him. He was thankful for her swiftness. It even eased him to an extent.

His blood pressure was back up when Tommy was brought out, looking like someone had just kicked his dog.

Joel was entirely too old for this.

~

They were silent the whole way home. Joel was silently hoping it would stay that way until the morning because he could not handle any excuses or apologies. It was nearly two thirty in the morning and he wasn’t interested in hearing anything Tommy felt that he needed to say.

“Joel, I-”

“Stop.”

They pulled up in the driveway and Joel quickly put the car in park, turning off the headlights and getting ready to follow with the engine.

“I was only going to say that-”

“Stop! For the love of- you’re a grow-ass man, you can deal with the consequences to your own actions. Right now I need you to leave me be until I can get whatever night’s sleep I can salvage.”

Tommy was quiet at that. Finally.

Before another thought could make its way to the forefront of Joel’s mind he was already at the front door, jaggedly twisting the key in the lock and pushing the door open with more force than he’d intended.

Tommy followed with the same sad puppy look that had been on his face earlier and Joel rolled his eyes. He loved his brother, he just hoped he grew up someday.

Taking a breath he emptied his pockets on the key holder that also served as a shelf and could practically already feel the comfort of his bed on his aching back. Once everything was in its place, he made his way over to the stairs, but was stopped in his tracks when he heard something that sounded like gasping coming from upstairs.

For a moment, he thought he’d been hearing something… but then he heard it again.

“Sarah?” he called, already starting to take a step up the stairs.

No answer.

A few more steps.

“Sarah?”

He was more frantic this time, crossing half the staircase in a few swift strides. His heart was already in his stomach and created a symphony of worry that continued to propel him up the now seemingly endless stairs. The sound was louder and now mixed with her wheezes for breath and half-screamed sobs.

“Sarah?!” he shrieked, bolting down the hall to the bathroom.

The door was open, and there she was.

She was hunched over the toilet, her golden brown coils had been haphazardly thrown back in the only sort of bun she could manage and her clothes were drenched with sweat. Even down to her arms that he could see, her once radiant bronze skin was washed to a deathly, mute, almost gray. He couldn’t see her face yet, but he didn’t need to to know something was horribly wrong. As if her appearance wasn’t enough there were little dots of red all over the porcelain of the toilet bowl.

“Sarah!” he was by her side as she was gasping and coughing, blood spraying out of her mouth as she did.

“Baby! Baby, look at me, hey, breathe-” he started moving a hand on her back.

She let out a shriek at that like it hurt and he sucked air through his teeth like he felt it too.

Tommy appeared in the doorway and Joel wasted no time giving him directions. His wrist flew up, crashing into the side of the sink as it did. He grunted in pain but moved to direct him with the same hand.

“Call an ambulance!”

Tommy stayed there… frozen. He had this look on his face like he was witnessing the worst thing he’d ever seen. Like she was already dead. They didn’t have time for this.

“Call a fucking ambulance!”

He hesitated again, eyes still glued to Sarah, but after a moment, he nodded and pulled out his phone stepping into the hallway to make the call.

Joel immediately had his eyes on Sarah again, assessing the situation. He couldn’t tell whether the blood was coming from her lungs or her stomach but either way it was a lot and it was bad. His hands were shaking as he watched the scene in horror. He was supposed to be able to fix this, he was supposed to make it better… and he couldn’t. He was helpless.

~

He couldn’t focus on anything but her. The doctors were throwing questions at him that Tommy was able to answer until they took her down to the ambulance. He wasn’t allowed in and now it was all on Joel. He sat next to her, holding her hand tight as the EMTs went through their routine checks and tried to figure out what was wrong with her.

“Okay sweetheart, I need you to tell me where it hurts.”

The nurse had already asked that question several times and Sarah had been in too much pain every time to answer.

“Everywhere!” she shrieked in pain.

The woman pressed a hand gently to Sarah’s stomach and she let out a gut-wrenching scream. Joel squeezed her hand a little.

“I know, babygirl, I know, I know-” he stopped to look at the woman who was working to get her IV hooked up. “Do something!”

“I am sir, I promise you she will be okay, but I need you to calm down.”

Not much longer after that they put in a small dose of a sedative just to ease her pain and squirming. She didn’t fall asleep, but she went sort of limp.

“Sarah?” he started. “Baby?”

Nothing, just laying there, eyes open. Her inability to answer him scared him. So much so that he squeezed tighter and had to fight as hard as he could to keep his own tears at bay.

“Please don’t do this to me, baby, please fight, please-”

“She’ll be okay.”

He must’ve repeated that to himself half a million times from there to the hospital.

~

It was like something from a movie. As soon as they got to the doors of the operating room he was left behind like dust in the wind. Not a word, but he’d seen it enough times in fiction to know he couldn’t cross that boundary. He just had to sit and wait. Sit and wait for her to live or die and it killed him, ate at him from the inside out.

Tommy showed up a few minutes after they wheeled her in. He’d asked a couple of questions and Joel managed a few muttered answers. The ones he really needed to know, but the trivial ones flew in one ear and out the other.

“She’s gonna be alright, Joel.”

He wasn’t sure why, but the more people that tried to convince him of that the less he actually believed it. The one thing he was sure of… he wasn’t losing his daughter tonight.

~

“She’s got chronic intestinal pseudo-obstruction.”

Joel looked at the doctor in front of him with a face that meant what? Tommy stood in the corner, swaying back and forth and holding onto his own hand nervously. That was the difference between the brothers. Tommy processed things, he rationalized. Joel just shut down.

“It’s not actually an obstruction, it’s more of a paralysis. Her brain is telling her body there’s an obstruction that’s not really there. So her body goes haywire.”

Joel shot him another wordless response. And?

“So what does that mean? Chronic means it’s always there right? She never had it before. Why is it here now?”

The doctor sighed softly and mirrored Tommy’s shifting. 

“We don’t exactly know what caused it, it could be any number of things. This is an underlying thing that is triggered by something, but we’ll wear ourselves out trying to figure it out.”

“So what do we do now?”

Another beat.

“Well… the good thing is this is the most severe of cases. The blood came from a tear in her stomach. She’s probably been sick for a while. With girls her age… sometimes it’s hard to tell. The tear is treatable, it actually happens a lot. The overlying problem though, it’s usually much milder than this. Small episodes or attacks that cause some pain and discomfort. It might be hard for her to eat, but we monitor it. If needed we can give her a feeding tube and some infusions as treatment, but we’ll play it by ear. The important thing is that she’s going to be okay.”

Joel repeated it in his mind again. She’d be okay. But she was sick, and it wasn’t going to go away. Nobody could fix this, not even the doctors. So what was he supposed to do now? Oh god… what would he tell her?

Chapter 2: Better Than We Thought (It Wasn't Her Fault)

Summary:

Joel being a grumpy old man, and idiots trying Sarah's patience. Oh! And also a special guest.

Notes:

Wow, I wrote that fast. 😭

Anyways, this was a fun chapter. We're still in the exposition part but bear with me. It gets good, I promise.

‘You’re sick, baby’. That was what he told her. It broke his heart when she went on to ask when she’d get better. He had to explain to her that it wasn’t the kind of sick that went away, and that was really what rocked his world. She began to ask him things like when could she get back to soccer, or when they could go on a hike next, all of these questions he didn’t have the answers to. She was scared… and so was he.

Sometime in the five years that carried them to the present, their life in Austin had been uprooted. The doctors there had been able to tell her what was wrong with her… but treating it was a whole different story. They basically just poked at her and made her even more sick until something made her a little better, but nothing ever stuck. It was hell for him to have to watch her go through it and he knew it had to have been a thousand times worse to be the guinea pig.

That was what she was to them. She wasn’t a sick little girl, she was an experiment, and there was only so much of that either of them could take.

After countless nights of endless research and blue light-induced migraines, Joel had found that Boston Children’s Hospital was the best place to go for things like this. Despite having spent his whole life in Austin, and Sarah’s too, there wasn’t anything he wasn’t willing to do to make her life less miserable.

So they moved to Boston. Joel got a house, and a job that paid much better than the one in Austin, and the hospital had been every bit worth the move. They were so kind to the both of them. They asked Sarah’s permission to do anything or treat anything every time, even if Joel had the final say so, and most of all? They didn’t talk to him like he was stupid. They were good people… Boston was a good place.

Tommy had come with them, but after a year or so of living in the same house with Joel, who had admittedly shut down and become a sort of tired, worried shell of who he used to be, he needed out. His departure was a bitter one, leaving a sour taste on all three of their tongues. Joel hadn’t seen Tommy since and that was almost four years ago.

After a while the sting died down and Joel couldn’t be bothered to worry about it. Tommy crossed his mind every once in a while, and he got some itch in his finger that told him to pick up his phone and call. But he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Sarah needed to be his number one priority, forever and always.

“It’s done!” Sarah shouted from the dining table.

Joel downed the last sip of his coffee, which Sarah deemed his morning dose of motor oil, and set the mug in the sink, walking over to her and checking over the beeping machine next to her.

It looked like an iv drip, only it wasn’t. It was the same mechanism, but the pump connected to a feeding tube. It went into her stomach through her nose (which had taken the both of them a long time to get used to), and gave her nutrients when she couldn’t eat due to flare-ups.

Luckily, she was just getting over one. She’d probably be back to eating normal (for her) meals sometime later that week. She needed to take it slow, but they had this pretty much down to a science now. It wouldn’t be a problem.

“How are you feeling?” Joel asked, pressing the off button and unhooking the tube from the machine.

“Oh I’m feeling nutritioned,” she said, holding back a giggle at her own comment.

Joel huffed a chuckle of his own and shook his head.

“That’s not even a word.”

“Yes it is.”

He clamped the tube shut with the little plastic piece on the end of it and unhooked the connector from the bag (which he discarded shortly after).

“No it isn’t, you made it up just now.”

“All words are made up.”

Well… she had him there.

“I think you need to keep it in, at least for lunch today.”

There was the serious tone she hated. Sarah couldn’t have asked for a better dad. She was the luckiest person in the world to have such an attentive person taking care of her, but sometimes her really killed the mood.

“Dad-” she whined.

“I don’t want you making it worse, you know what happens when you force it.”

Memories began to flash in her mind at the words and she recoiled, knowing he was right.

“Well- what about dinner with Tess? I don’t just want to watch you guys eat and have to sit there like a car at a gas pump.”

If she wasn’t being a hundred percent serious he would’ve found her creativity with the comment amusing. But she was, so he didn’t.

“We’ll see,” he started, “and you know Tess. She’s not gonna bring food you can’t eat. If you’re feeling up to it tonight I’ll ask her to bring some soup or ice cream or something we can all eat together.”

When you’ve had Ms. Theresa Servopulous’s cooking, soup and ice cream sounded like the most underwhelming choice to have ever been thought of, but of course she needed to do what she needed to do. Even if she had to conquer her long-time nemesis to do it. (That would be non-solid foods.)

“Okay.”

That was Sarah speak for ‘whatever’, but he’d take what he could get.

“Good, then let’s get moving. I gotta get and early start on work today, and you need to get to school in time to figure out your classes.”

She didn’t argue with that, instead carefully setting the portable feeding pump in its special pouch in her bookbag, and taping the loose end of the feeding tube to her collarbone so it wouldn’t snag throughout the day.

Just like that they were out the door, though they were stopped in their tracks by their neighbors as soon as they set foot on the porch.

The Adlers.

“Hey, neighbor!” Mr. Adler said, a plate of biscuits and gravy in hand.

His mother-in-law, who lived with them due to her age getting the better of her, sat in a wheelchair, staring into space without a word the way she always did. He looked to be feeding her her breakfast.

“Hi!” Sarah said with a smile.

Joel was already throwing his tool bag in the truck bed.

“Connie was asking about you! She hadn’t seen you in a while and wondered if you were okay, you know, on account of all your health scares.”

She wasn’t sure why, but the comment made her nauseous. He’d meant it in a kind way, she knew that, but her skin crawled as she did her best to force her flushed cheeks into a smile.

“I can stop by for a minute after school if I’m not busy…” she hesitated for a moment, wanting to make them happy. “...but just for a little bit. We’re having company for dinner.”

“She’ll just be glad to see you,” Mr. Adler replied.

Sarah gave a smile and a nod. She was wondering why Joel hadn’t gotten in the car and started it, but then it occurred to her he might just like watching her attempt to interact with people. Despite her ray of sunshine demeanor, she wasn’t always the best at socializing.

“Well, we got some extra biscuits here if you want 'em.”

Joel still had nothing to say, so when he closed the tailgate Sarah turned to look at him with a mockingly cheerful expression.

“Dad, you love biscuits!”

Joel shot her a glance and she knew she’d accomplished her small, but satisfying goal.

“I do…” he agreed, his tone matching her expression, “...but- I- I’m on Atkins.”

“What’s that?” Mr. Adler asked, seemingly intrigued.

“It’s uh-” Joel paused again.

Yeah. It was time to go.

“You know what? We gotta run, but Sarah will be by after school. She’ll stay as long as you want. She’ll tell you all about Atkins.”

By the time Sarah reached the passenger side door, having been opened for her already, Mr. Adler’s muttered response was nearly out of earshot, but it sounded thankful. She narrowed her eyes at her father in annoyance as she hopped up into the seat.

“Smooth.”

Joel rolled his eyes and closed the door once she was settled in. He then went over to the driver’s side and prepared to really start his day.

~

The start of a new semester was always nerve-racking for her. Having to remind teachers of her medical accommodations and weeding out which ones would actually follow them or not. Worst of all, sometimes she had the kind of teacher that made her announce her summarized condition in front of the whole class because of an emergency or her need to visit the nurse (who was also objectively the worst). Last semester’s computer science teacher had done just that, and she never told Joel, but if she had, there would’ve been a high likelihood that he would’ve gone to jail.

She laughed briefly at the thought. Usually, Tommy would’ve been the fighting one. She missed him.

Pushing the thought out of her mind, Sarah continued down the hall. She’d just done her lunch feed in the nurse’s office, which sucked because it was just down the hall from the cafeteria and she could smell the Japanese food truck that was parked in the courtyard from there.

After fighting the urge to gorge herself on some chicken and shrimp hibachi, she’d successfully finished the feed and was ordered back to class. Normally she liked to let her feed settle before she went anywhere, but the nurses were ‘cracking down’ on who could and couldn’t be in the office and for how long. Whatever.

Her next class was Honors Algebra II, on account of the fact that she was a sophomore. Technically, she felt she should’ve been in Discreet Math because she’d taken Algebra I in middle school, but there was this stupid rule about having to take Fundamentals of Mathematics before you could take any class higher than Algebra I. It was safe to say she scraped by in that class.

The teacher she had must’ve been new because she didn’t recognize his name, but she knew where the hallway was, and it wasn’t far from the nurse.

Well… it wouldn’t have been if she hadn’t been stopped.

“Ay, ay, yo, my friend wants to know if-”

“Shut up, bro-”

“He wants to know if you got Snap.”

The series of giggles that followed made it very clear his friend did not in fact want to know, which was convenient because she didn’t. Even if she did, he would be at the very bottom of the list of people she’d even consider giving it to.

“Nope, sorry.”

She briskly attempted to push past them, but bumped into one of them and it snagged the tube a little, causing her to hiss in pain and falter back, clutching her current read to her chest like a shield.

“Woah- shit, relax, we’re just messin’ around.”

Another series of laughs and giggles that made her want to throw them against the walls and run away at full speed. Unfortunately, she wouldn’t have been strong enough to do that even if she wasn’t sick and frail.

“Well mess around somewhere else.”

The pungent smell radiating off of them explained their behavior and their wandering the halls aimlessly, but it didn’t explain their idiocracy and lack of personal space.

“Oh come on-”

One of them started. Then he did something that made even her bones crawl with utter dread.

He touched her hair.

“Get off-”

She started, and before he could say anything else she was shouting.

“I said, get- help!” she shrieked.

The kid was spooked by that, but he couldn’t even turn around to run before a new voice appeared in the mix.

“Hey, fuck-face!”

He turned fully around (his friends in the wind already), and was met with a five-finger-fuck-off straight to the nose.

Sarah didn’t even have time to be relieved before an assistant principal and SRO were stepping in to break everything up. Upon realizing the boy’s nose was busted up and bleeding their eyes turned on the assailant.

It was a girl. She looked to be the same age as Sarah, but a bit shorter. Her hair was much less curly than Sarah’s and her skin much lighter, but none of those things separated them nearly as much as their attitudes. She just stood there with a scowl on her face that looked like she would’ve spit on the kid while he was down if she had the chance.

She didn’t though because she was quickly whisked off to the discipline office, and the kid was taken somewhere else by another administrator that had materialized at some point.

That left Sarah with the assistant principal.

“Are you alright, sweetie? You aren’t hurt are you?”

This was one of those times when Sarah wondered if a situation would’ve been different if she didn’t look as sick as she did. Most of the time she really didn’t. Aside from when she was actively experiencing a flare-up you never would’ve been able to tell there was something wrong with her. At least she thought so, but she wondered if the AP would have assumed she was a part of the tussle, or assumed she wasn’t part of it at all. Either way, she hated being a default victim.

~

He’d had to ask them to repeat the situation twice because both times he was a hundred percent sure they had the wrong number.

A fight. Sarah had been involved in a fight.

Involved. The word kept playing over and over in his mind. Technically they said altercation, but that could mean anything and none of the options were good. Fight was the least scary so he went with that for now.

They wouldn’t give him the full story, but he knew she would. He swore right there in his car that if anything at all had happened to her he was suing the fuck out of anyone involved. He wasn’t having this shit, and he wouldn’t ever.

His anger was not quelled when he got to the front office and she was nowhere to be found. He’d asked again what happened and the lady at the desk pretended like she had absolutely no idea what was going on except that he needed to go to room 113-A. When he got there he didn’t bother to knock, walking in and seeing Sarah sitting at a table with a younger woman who had a radio attached to her hip.

“You must be Mr. Miller,” she started, standing up and extending a hand. “I’m Mandy Keller, I’m one of the assistant principals here at FDR High.”
Joel gave a nod and a grunt of acknowledgement, but didn’t return the handshake. He wasn’t in a cordial mood at the moment. She seemed to respect that as she dropped one hand to her side and used the other to gesture to an empty seat beside Sarah.

“Please, have a seat.”

“I’d rather not.”

The tension in the room continued to rise as the woman gave a firm nod and cleared her throat.

“Well, as I said on the phone, Sarah was involved in an altercation-”

“What kind of altercation?”

She stopped in her tracks and looked at Joel confused for a moment.

“I’m sorry?”

“What. kind. of altercation?”

Her mind seemed to get back on track and she nodded again.

“She passed by a student in the hallway who had been wandering the halls and he might have been a bit unkind in his words. It’s important to note that he is being dealt with accordingly but-”

His blood was boiling before she could even finish the sentence. He? Was being dealt with accordingly? What the hell did that even mean?

“That doesn’t explain where the hell a fight came from.”

The words were sharp and bitter, and they pulled a sigh from the woman.

“There was another student-”

“You mentioned that.”

“I meant-” she paused, taking a deep breath. “-there was a young lady who stepped in and initiated a physical altercation.”
There was that word again. She was throwing it around like it was no big deal.

“She decked him in the nose.” Sarah finally spoke up, and he could almost hear the thankfulness pouring out in her tone.

He obviously wasn’t getting anything from them, so he’d go back to his original plan, he’d ask Sarah on the way home.

“Alright, so why am I here? She in trouble?”

The answer better have been no.

“No, but-”

“When can I sign her out? Will it be excused?”

His only concern right now was that she was okay, and that she didn’t rack up more absences than she needed to because of some stupid little tussle that she was barely involved in.

“You can go to the front office now.”
Sarah was thankful that Ms. Keller had given up on trying to convince Joel not to be too upset about this. Trust, it was going in a mental file for later. Regardless, the walk to the office was swift, and void of any words.

As he was handing over his ID for whatever confirmation process parents had to do, Sarah’s eyes wandered to the seating area just outside the front office in a little corridor. She could see through the tall glass windows, the girl from the… from earlier. She was just sitting there, that same angry scowl on her face. Sarah wondered if she always looked like that.

She debated going to thank her for getting her out of there, especially when she’d gotten in trouble for it, but she was ushered out by an abrupt let’s go from Joel, and she did as she was told. Even if she wasn’t in trouble, he was mad, and she wasn’t going to make it worse.

~

“What happened?”

The words fell off of his lips like an accusation and after the day she had, she wasn’t in the mood to play defense. Her arms folded over her stomach and she sort of folded in on herself like she was ashamed of the whole thing.

“I told you what happened,” she said quietly, but loud enough for him to hear from his one good ear.

“No, you said you got in a fight, which considering the conversation we just had with your principal, I’d say is pretty damn incorrect.”

She felt a bubbling of hurt in her chest as she stewed in his anger. He didn’t get mad like this often and when he did it was never at her, so she squashed the flames with shitty jokes and random things he enjoyed or just letting him talk it out. But this was different. He was mad at her.

“These three guys cornered me in the hall and before you get all trigger-happy, they didn’t hurt me. One of them asked for my-” she paused, remembering that he was ancient and probably had no idea what Snap was, “-number. They were all high off their asses, but they wouldn’t leave me alone. One of them touched my hair and then that girl came in and decked him.”

He didn’t move a muscle on his face when Sarah mentioned the girl. He didn’t seem to care, which upset her because she didn’t want to think of what the situation might’ve looked like if she hadn’t stepped in. Whoever this angsty young woman was, she was decidedly Sarah’s hero, and she needed him to see that.

Notes:

What did you think? Also please feel free to give comments and feedback, I love seeing them. It makes me smile. That's all! Next chapter soon.

Chapter 3: I’m Never Alone (I’m Alone All The Time)

Summary:

Tess being the mother Sarah deserves, and Joel’s midlife crises.

Joel and Sarah didn’t speak much after that car ride home. He’d gone back to work and left her with only one task, which was not to burn the house down. She was tempted, but decided against it. Despite being somewhat bitter with him for reacting the way he did, she gave him the benefit of the doubt. If there was one thing Sarah never questioned, it was that he loved her with every beat of his heart. He just had a weird way of showing it.

He tended to shut down when things happened that he didn’t know how to handle. She’d never been in a fight before. She could’ve been hurt. The more she thought about it the more the bitterness dissipated.

Sighing to herself, Sarah hoisted herself up out of the bed she’d been rotting all day and figured she should keep her promise to the Adlers. It would distract her long enough for Joel to get home and then she could ambush him with a hug that meant I’m sorry , and he’d respond with a huff and hug her back. He may not look like it, but he gave the best hugs. It was always like he hadn’t seen her in a million years and he’d never see her again when he let go. It made her heart happy.

 

~

 

Bless Mrs. Adler’s heart. She was so kind and she seemed to really care about Sarah ever since they’d moved in, but she could be particularly clueless sometimes. Sarah had kept her feed in like Joel had asked her to. She didn’t dare take it out without asking him first. Not because he would be upset if she did, but because she trusted him more than she trusted herself. She didn’t want to take it out and then have to put it back in later. It was a painful process, and no matter how many times she did it that never changed. 

 

That all to say, Mrs. Adler had made another aromatic batch of chocolate chip cookies that Sarah would definitely not be able to eat. She didn’t have the heart to tell her that though, so she’d take them to her father, who would likely give half to Tess and keep the rest in the cookie jar. Problem solved.

 

However, there was one looming problem that remained unsolved. Her boredom. She’d just finished the only bit of homework she had so far (having only been to her first two classes), and now she was just waiting on the cookies to be done.

 

After a brief moment of debate, she decided to look for something to cheer Joel up… or apologize? He’d probably tell her there was nothing to apologize for… but she didn’t want to take the chance. He’d been pretty worked up, so bribery seemed like the proper tool.

 

Hoisting herself up from her seat, Sarah moved into the living room and over to a bookcase that served as a dvd library. Mr. Adler was a sort of movie enthusiast, but he didn’t watch most of the ones he owned, he just liked collecting them. For that reason, Mrs. Adler often let Sarah borrow movies for movie nights. Of course, her and Joel had wildly different movie tastes for the most part and she had to fight him to get him to watch anything she liked, but luckily it was about him tonight. She didn’t have to think about it too much.

 

Her fingers grazed the spines of the cases and she glanced at all of the labels. Joel was an action movie kind of guy, so she had to find something she hadn’t seen that she figured he’d like. It didn’t take long to stumble upon just the right one. 

 

Picking it up off the shelf, she quickly scurried into the kitchen just as the timer went off and Mrs. Adler took the cookies out of the oven.

 

“Hey, Mrs. Adler?”

 

“Yes, dear?”

 

Sarah held out the dvd for her to see and proposed her question.

 

“Would it be okay if I borrowed this one for tonight? Tess is coming over and I want to surprise my dad with it.”

 

Mrs. Adler carefully took the object from her and held it a good ways away from her eyes, adjusting her reading glasses to see the title. Fracture starring Ryan Gosling and Anthony Hopkins. Gosling was for Sarah, the crime drama was for Joel.

 

“Sure! It’s one of Danny’s.”

 

The chuckle and warm smile on her face sent a sort of relief through Sarah and suddenly she felt a little less anxious than before. It even inclined her to think more positively about what Joel’s attitude might be like when he got home.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Sure!”

 

There was a pause as Sarah looked at the clock on the stove. 5:03pm. Given that he’d started work early she figured she should probably get home. Dinner with Tess was at seven so he’d probably be getting home soon.

 

“Well, my dad’s gonna be home soon so I should probably get going.”

 

“Awe, are you sure?”

 

The question was endearing, and not at all pushy, which made Sarah feel a bit bad for going. 

 

“Yeah,” she replied with a sort of guilty sigh.

 

“Well alright, take some of these cookies.”

 

Mrs. Adler grabbed a zip-loc bag and put a good half of the batch in there before sealing it up and handing it back to her.

 

“You take care now!”

 

Sarah smiled in response.

 

“Yes ma’am.”

 

~

 

Work hadn’t been too terrible that day, in fact, his boss had been pretty lighthearted about the whole situation. He’d met Sarah once or twice if she’d been in the truck when Joel stopped by the office or by a project. She had this effect on people and it was almost like it was physically impossible to have any negative feelings towards her. She was a magnet. People just trusted her; they felt safe.

 

Given all of that, Tony had been pretty concerned when he’d heard Sarah had gotten into a fight. Anyone could look at her and tell she wasn’t the fighting type. Not just for shits and giggles at least. She wasn’t weak, she just didn’t like conflict. That he could understand. 

 

When he’d gotten back to work and reported that she was fine and explained the situation, Tony even offered to let him go home early, but he’d declined the offer. Joel was a creature of habit. Unless Sarah was sick or needed him around he was working. It kept his mind off of everything else.

 

When his work boots finally shuffled through the door that night, he’d been expecting Sarah to be on the couch waiting for him like she usually was. Despite being as exhausted as he was all the time, her awful jokes and jabs at him always soothed his post-work grumpiness. Even if he didn’t let her know that.

 

“I’m home!” he called out, silently hoping she’d come skittering down the stairs.

 

But she didn’t.

 

~

 

It wasn’t until Tess arrived, and long after Joel had showered and changed into something other than muddy, concrete dusted clothes that Sarah had come barreling down the stairs to hug her.

 

“Oh now you come out. I was starting to worry, you little shit-”

 

He couldn’t even get the full sentence out before her arms were around him and he was ambushed. The impact forced a breath out of him and he looked at Tess for a moment with a brow raised.

 

“Jesus, kiddo, be careful. I don’t want you to pull that tube out just yet.”

 

No answer.

 

He couldn’t handle silence with her, not when it wasn’t supposed to be there. Not after…

 

“Hey, baby-” he paused, placing his hands on her shoulders and moving to hold her at arm’s length. “Is everything okay? You feeling alright?”

 

Her face wasn’t readable. Expressionless. For a second everything in the world went flat. His thoughts were dangerously close to spiraling, but an unexpected interjection pulled him out of it. 

 

“Fork it over, little buck,” Tess started, holding her hand out palm up as if to collect something.

 

Sarah’s face faltered into a defeated huff and she gave a mocking whine and stomp.

 

“Whatever,” she said, pulling the five-dollar bill out of her back pocket and slapping it down in Tess’s hand.

 

She laughed a little and it ended in the two of them smiling.

 

“What in the-”

 

“Tess called to ask if I was eating again. She called you but you didn’t answer. She said you told her about the fight and I said I was worried about you being mad when you got home. I thought maybe you wouldn’t be after I sat with it for a while, but then I psyched myself out again. She said you wouldn’t be and we made a bet.”

 

It was a juvenile thing, but for some reason it made his stomach hurt to think about. She thought he’d be mad? Why would she ever-? The car. He’d been silent the whole way home, stewing in his own anger at how the situation should have been handled. But not at her, God, never at her.

 

He wanted to pull her into a hug and tell her he was sorry, but before he could, giggling erupted from some joke he didn’t catch and he did his best to put the thought away in his mind. Sarah got over his shortcomings much quicker than he did. She forgave too easily.

 

Tess held up a large casserole dish with a lid on it.

 

“Did some research on foods that would be good for her to eat and they said bananas would help, so I made some banana pudding,” she started, mostly to Joel, but eventually turning to Sarah, “There’s also chicken soup. I know you hate the broth, but I bought wine glasses and bendy straws from the dollar store to drink it out of, and you know the rules, we’re eating it too.”

 

Sarah looked like the whole world had just stopped around her and for a brief moment all of the color drained from her face.

 

“Woah… did I say something wrong?”

 

Another no response moment.

 

“If you don’t like it I can-”

 

Just like when she’d come barreling down the stairs, her arms had wrapped around Tess in a tight squeeze and judging by the sniffle she was trying to hide, there were tears.

 

Tess didn’t say anything. She just stood there… stunned. She didn’t seem to know what to do, so she just wrapped her free hand around Sarah and looked up at Joel with a sort of what’s going on face and he gave a downturned half smile.

 

Tess meant a lot to Sarah. She’d never had a mother figure in her life and for the past five years that they’d known each other, Tess had grown to become something of the sort. 

 

They’d met in the hospital one of the first weeks that Sarah had been admitted. Her son, Max, had been in the room next to Sarah’s, and Joel and Tess had struck up a conversation when they stepped out of their children’s rooms at the same time one sleepless night. It started as just standing a few feet away from each other, leaned against the same wall and wearing the same expression. Parents that didn’t know how to fix their kid. Parents that had traveled a long way in hopes that their kids even could be fixed. Max had a form of rare childhood cancer, and the children’s hospital had really been their last hope.

 

Max was a lot younger than Sarah, almost three years old when they’d met but Sarah kept him company. Then the pairs of them became the four of them and soon Tess was helping Sarah with all kinds of things. When Sarah got her period for the first time, Tess was the one Joel had called for advice on what to do. She knew what it was like to be a single parent and even more she knew what it was like to have a sick kid, so she did her best to be there when she could.

 

Given that Sarah’s mother had left right after she was born following a swift divorce from Joel, she’d never had a person in her life that could fill even a bit of that gap. Joel tried, but he just figured shit out as he went, he didn’t know the things that Tess knew. For that, he was grateful to have her around.

 

“Thank you, Tess,” she said softly.

 

Tess gave a soft smile and a gentle pat on Sarah’s back.

 

“Sure thing, kid.”

 

Sarah pulled back and very quickly wiped her eyes just to make sure she didn’t look as small as she felt.

 

“Hey, can you help me take the tube out this time?”

 

And now Tess’s heart was in her stomach.

 

“Of course. Go on up to the bathroom and get everything set up. We’ll be up in a minute.”

 

Sarah gave a nod and wasted no time doing as she was told. That left Tess and Joel with a moment to talk.

 

“She alright?”

There was a level of concern in her voice that sent a warmth blanketing over Joel’s skin and he bit back a genuine smile.

 

Instinctively a hand drifted over the shattered face of his watch, the same way it always did when he was worried about anything Sarah related and trying to hide it.

 

“She’s…” he paused.

 

A realization had just hit him like a truck. He didn’t know how she was doing. He knew that she was feeling better than she had been. Medically she was doing well… but beyond that he had no idea. They talked in the morning and they passed sly comments and complaints to each other over a documentary of her choice and take-out or soup from time to time, but they hadn’t talked in… 

 

The fact that he couldn’t even remember meant it had been too damn long. Another example of the way his parenting skills had gone down the drain the night Sarah got sick. Maybe Tommy had been right… maybe her illness had become all that she was. 

 

“Hey, Texas, you still with me?”

 

There weren’t very many people that made Joel feel much of anything, but Tess made him feel so many things all at once, and even after five years, and… whatever they were. It still scared him sometimes.

 

“Yeah.”

 

The first time was a confirmation of her question.

 

“Yeah, she uh, she’s good. I think she’s just a little stressed out about school.”

 

Tess chuckled and nodded.

 

“Yeah, high school sucks. She’s just gotta find her people.”

 

Joel mirrored her nod and dropped his hands into his pockets.

 

“What about Max?”

 

It was always a toss up asking about the kid. Sometimes she’d gush about how well he was doing or the latest silly thing he’d done. The ear to ear grin she got on her face that made it hard to even close her mouth anytime she mentioned his name made him feel like all was right in the world.

 

This wasn’t one of those times.

 

“Come on,” she started, “Sarah’s waiting.”

 

In other words, he’s not doing well.

 

“Yeah, okay.”

 

His voice thickened a bit as he spoke, accent laced on like molasses. There was no malice or intent in his words. It was a hard pass, and he couldn’t blame her. He did that with Sarah sometimes.

 

~

 

The tingle of the luke-warm water sent shivers down Sarah’s spine. That was one feeling she’d never get used to. Anything that went in, she could feel it traveling every centimeter that it moved.

 

“You alright?” 

 

Tess was already tearing the top off of the alcohol swab to wipe down her nose with.

 

“Yeah, just feels tingly.”

 

Tess chuckled a bit and nodded.

 

“That’s what Max says when they flush his.”

 

Sarah gave a soft smile at the mention of the boy. It had been a long time since she’d last seen him, but she knew not to bring that fact up. The one thing she would ask though, was probably just as bad.

 

“Is he doing okay?”

 

Tess froze for a moment. She looked like she was fighting some sort of thought and losing.

 

“Yeah, he’s okay. He’s with his dad.”

 

Joel made a mental note at that. Definitely not doing well.

 

Before Sarah could ask anymore questions, Tess gently peeled the tape off that kept the tube in place and wiped her nose down. It nearly caused a sneeze because of how pungent and medical the smell was up close, but she stifled it.

 

“Alright, you ready?”

 

Sarah already had the trash can on her lap, leaned over it a bit when she gave Tess a nod. 

 

Like clockwork, Joel uncrossed his arms and stood up straight, holding his hand out for Sarah to squeeze. She did so immediately.

 

“One…”

 

She squeezed tighter.

 

“Two…”

 

Joel did his best to stay calm and pretend he was used to this, but in reality he didn’t think he’d ever get used to seeing his daughter in pain. Regardless of how many times he had to.

 

Tess didn’t even get to one before bending the tube near the nostril to plug it and pulling the whole thing out at a moderate speed. 

 

Sarah took care not to cough or try to breathe while she did it. That would only cause her to choke and then it ended up in more trouble and pain than it should’ve. As soon as it was out though she was coughing and squeezing her teary eyes shut.

 

Joel felt a pain in his chest as he squeezed Sarah’s hand back a bit and kept his lips pinched in a line.

 

“You alright, babygirl?”

 

She coughed and wiped her mouth and nose with the warm damp washcloth Tess had supplied her with.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Her voice was hoarse in stark contrast to her usual soft southern twang. He wondered how Tess always seemed to be so okay with these things. How could she bring herself to be so desensitized? He added it to the list of questions he’d never asked.

 

“Alright, you wanna let that sit for a little while before we eat?”

 

Sarah nodded quickly at her question.

 

“Please.”

 

~

 

Fracture turned out to be the perfect pick. She’d deduced that by the giddy smile Joel had gotten upon seeing the cover of the dvd. He’d even told her it would be a good movie as opposed to saying it was alright or not his favorite and Tess seemed just as enthused.

 

They’d all gathered on the couch to watch and halfway through, Sarah had decided to try a small bit of the banana pudding. She’d decided very quickly that she couldn’t handle it right then, which had stung tears in her eyes almost immediately, but Tess had kindly agreed to leave the whole dish for her so she could eat it whenever she wanted. She’d even promised to make more if she couldn’t stomach it before it went bad.

 

Sarah had decided a long time ago that she loved Tess, but she found more reasons every day. This was definitely one of them.

 

By the time the movie was over Sarah was battling her ever drooping eyelids, and it didn’t go unnoticed by Joel.

 

“You’re looking tired there, kiddo, you wanna head up to bed?”

 

She yawned in response and shook her head.

 

“I’m-”

 

Another yawn.

 

Tess chuckled.

 

“Well, I better get going anyways, I’ve got work tomorrow, and I’ve gotta stop by Bill and Frank’s after. Something about a procedure going south and-”

 

Sarah sat up almost immediately at that, now much more awake than before.

 

“What?”

 

The amount of alarm in her voice caused Joel to wonder if he should be concerned too.

 

Tess quickly rejected both of their reactions.

 

“He’s fine now. He ended up in the hospital though and it was an all around very bad, very avoidable experience.”

 

She stressed the word avoidable for every syllable it had, and that didn’t ease Sarah any.

 

“He’ll be okay though, right?”

 

Tess nodded.

 

“He’ll be just fine.”

 

A silent good stayed trapped inside Sarah’s teeth as she debated the next question she wanted to ask.

 

“Hey dad?”

 

He let out a quiet hum in response and she turned to look at him.

 

“Can we go pick strawberries soon? If I’m feeling up to it?”

 

Bill and Frank didn’t live on any sort of farm or large plot of land, but Frank had a green thumb like nobody’s business. They had a small garden, and he planted all kinds of things, but Sarah always loved picking the strawberries, and Frank enjoyed having someone to pick strawberries with. (At least someone that didn’t tell him he was doing it wrong.)

 

“We’ll see.”

 

A bright smile stretched across her lips because she knew that was his way of saying yes.

 

“Will you go?”

 

Her eyes darted up to Tess on that question. The only thing better than picking strawberries with Frank was picking them with Frank and Tess.

 

“I’ll see what I can do.”

 

Same response, different words. Two yeses. This was a good night.

Notes:

I love them so much. (Also the writing was mid this chapter I apologize, the official apology chapter will be the next one 😎) Anyways, that’s all folks! I hope you liked it! Please feel free to leave comments and give me some feedback, it’s greatly appreciated.

Chapter 4: Discrete Math (Otherwise Known As Purgatory For Teens)

Summary:

Ellie is overwhelmingly unenthused by Sarah’s positivity. Her patience is a different story. Also Marlene makes the first of many appearances.

Her ears were still ringing from the shrieking, eyes still stinging from the contact of the freezing cold water, and despite the long sleeve shirt, she was still shivering. She’d only been a few minutes late. A few.

 

Robert! You’ll drown her!

 

Good. Maybe she’ll learn to wake up on time.

 

Ellie couldn’t remember the last time she’d gotten a full night of rest. It probably hadn’t ever happened. There were always some little creeps around the corner waiting to terrorize her or some old guy looking for a paycheck.

 

She hated this. Every place she went it was the same bullshit routine. A few weeks or months of endurance and trying her best to hold out for Marlene’s sake until she snapped. Then she landed in a group home for a while, then it repeated. Over and over again with no end in sight. Not for a good three more years at least. In English? She was colossally fucked, and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

 

To that end, she’d decided she had earned the right to tune out the world that odious Monday morning. 

 

Despite the rule that earbuds were not allowed in class, she had the cheap dollar store pair she’d bought with her spare change shoved into her ears. She didn’t have a phone, because why would anyone give enough of a shit about her to buy her something so expensive (and essential) as a cell phone? But she did have a walkman. The one half decent thing about being fostered by the occasional rich snob was yard sales. In other words, tossing out good shit for a couple pennies because it was beneath you now.

 

The device had come with headphones of its own, but as badass as they were, they were too bulky to wear in class without getting sent to the principal’s office. The earbuds were somewhat easier to hide. Somewhat.

 

“Williams?”

 

She yanked them out of her ears and looked up.

 

“Hm?”

 

“Nineteen.”

 

The fuck did-

 

Her eyes followed the man’s pen to a specific desk in a clump of them. A circle sticker with a smudged number nineteen had been placed in the top corner of the sort of triangular desk. She nodded and walked over to it, setting her stuff down on the floor and slumping into her seat. She wished she could say she was waiting for the day to end already, but as irritating as this was, she’d take it over the Pearson residence anyday.

 

“Miller, sixteen.”

 

She only paid attention because she hadn’t quite put her headphones back in, but when she looked up, she was surprised to see the girl from the other day. She didn’t have the feeding tube taped to her her cheek anymore, but Ellie was sure it was her because her golden brown coils were falling at her shoulders in a shape similar to a rainbow. She wasn’t even smiling and she still looked like a walking ray of sunshine.

 

Despite having stuck up for her in the hall the other day (and taking a suspension for it), Ellie had no interest in making an effort to correct her judgment if it was wrong.

 

She hadn’t helped the girl, who’s last name she’d just learned was Miller, because of any selfless heroism. She didn’t care much about the parties involved; she just couldn’t stand assholes who had no regard for human life. They pissed her off, probably because she’d dealt with one too many in her lifetime. Mr. Robert Pearson reigning as supreme overlord at the current moment. 

 

Definitely not because he was the worst she’d ever encountered, she just tried to block them out of her mind once she didn’t have to be around them anymore. It was the only way to keep her sanity. 

 

“I never got to thank you for helping me the other day.”

 

She almost hadn’t caught the question. It was in a low whisper, likely to avoid the wrath of Mr. Massino as he continued to place people in their assigned seats.

 

“Mhm.”

 

There was no enthusiasm, and barely any acknowledgement in her voice.

 

The other looked like she was contemplating some sort of response, but by then Ellie already had her earbud back in and was pressing play on her walkman.

 

Unfortunately she’d forgotten to stop the tape when she took her earbuds out and it had already finished playing. So when she pressed the start button it just jumped back up at her, aggressively reminding her she needed to pay more attention to what she did.

 

“Look, I’m not deciding that we like each other now or that we’re going to be friends, you don’t know me and I don’t know you-”

 

You’re right , she said in her mind, already flipping the tape and closing the hatch.

 

“-all I’m saying is that I might like to know you.”

 

Ellie’s index finger hovered over the start button, itching to press down, but something in the Miller girl’s words paralyzed her. Something about the phrasing. I might like to know you. Like she wasn’t sure, like she hadn’t passed judgment yet. She wasn’t sure that had ever happened. Even Marlene made assumptions sometimes. Maybe the girl was making judgments and just being a snake. She was looking to burrow her way into Ellie’s dirt to throw it out in the open later and laugh at with the rest of her picture perfect posse. But then there was the might. Like she wanted to get to know Ellie but she would respect whatever decision was made. It freaked her out.

 

Before sixteen could say anything else she pressed play on the walkman and sat back in her seat, a sigh escaping her lips.

 

She tried her best to ignore the fact that her breath had been shaking.

 

~

 

The rain was beating down so hard it felt like it was tearing into her skin. It reminded her of the ice that usually melted against her skin before she even had the chance to fall out of bed. The wind didn’t help, and if she wasn’t so accustomed to the feeling of drowning she would have been trying to find somewhere to take cover. 

 

Apparently, Mr. Massino was the silent type of dickhead. 

 

He wouldn’t tell you he’d caught you doing something wrong, he’d just report you. That might’ve been respectable in a serious situation, but her earbud usage was definitely not one of those situations.

 

If it would’ve just resulted in a slap on the hand and a go back to class she would’ve only been mildly pissed off, but that wasn’t the case.

 

They’d actually called Mr. Pearson to the school. He’d already been there once since the suspension and maybe that was why he was so livid, or he was just an ass, neither of which she cared to guess on. 

 

That night when she’d gotten home he’d completely lost it. The screaming she could handle. She’d gotten desensitized to it after a while. Selective dissociation was a close friend of hers. However, when he’d started swinging was when things had gone south very quickly. 

 

It had ended in broken vases, clumps of hair in hands, a raging migraine, and now she was sitting outside in the middle of a thunderstorm at the edge of the driveway, waiting for Marlene to pick her up.

 

Mrs. Pearson had called and claimed that Ellie had gone ballistic over some minor rule change and Mr. Person had attempted to defend himself. They had no choice but to lock her out of the house and something about it being outrageous and they’d press charges if Marlene didn’t pick her up right then.

 

Part of her wanted to believe that they didn’t have the guts to do that. They didn’t want the smoke of the authorities investigating… but then she remembered that this was Boston and that in cities as big as this one the authorities rarely investigated things like this at all. The Pearsons would pay off the public attorney that would represent Ellie and the cycle would continue or she would wind up in juvie for assault. Neither option was good, and Marlene knew that, which was why she wasn’t surprised to see the headlights as her Jeep wrangler pulled up on the curb.

 

The car rolled to a stop and parked, but it was kept running, headlights illuminating the pitch black road ahead. The glow made the rain look just as vicious as it felt.

 

As soon as Marlene rounded the back corner of the car she knew she was in deep shit.

 

“Get in the car.”

 

“Nice to see you too.”

 

“ Ellie .”

 

Note taken. Fuck off and get in the car.

 

She did just that, but as soon as her now soggy backpack was tossed into the back seat and she settled in the front passenger side, she watched out the window at the argument she knew was about to ensue.

 

She’d seen this a million times before. Marlene put on an apologetic face to hide her embarrassment and she’d offer these shitty people the moon and the stars. Reimbursements for any money they may have spent on her outside of the essentials that they had already been reimbursed for (which was exactly zero dollars and zero cents), offering to talk to the insurance company about paying their medical bills if the rabid child had caused any physical damage. It was all some desperate cry for them not to call the cops, which they never did.

 

She watched as Marlene continued to talk in the direct and poised way she always did. She couldn’t actually hear what they were saying but it was a script, so she knew.

 

Mrs. Pearson was talking with her hands, feigning some unspeakable rage at the damage that had been done to her home and family.

 

Fuck those people.

 

At least she wouldn’t have to be awoken like a prisoner of war every morning anymore. At least she was getting out of there.

 

~

 

“What did you do?”

 

She hated that question. It angered her, mostly because she did things wrong quite often, but the reaction she was met with was never of equal caliber. It was like killing a mosquito with a shotgun. 

 

“I told you.”

 

Marlene scoffed.

 

“No, you told me Mr. Pearson was a pompous douchebag, which I already leniently didn’t correct you on, so don’t push it Ellie, what did you do?”

 

The accusatory nature of her tone was laced with panic, and if she wasn’t so sleep-deprived and hung up over another failed placement, she would’ve thought about what she said. Right now she wasn’t sparing Marlene the attitude.

 

“I told you. I got caught using my earbuds in class, fuckin Robert threw a temper tantrum at me and I wouldn’t be a good little girl and lay down and take the beating so they kicked me to the curb. I’m not beat up about it, just drop me at a group home like you always do. I’m not your problem.”

 

What she really meant was I’m not your kid . It was true. She wasn’t anyone’s kid anymore and it was unlikely that she ever would be again.

 

“Goddamn it, Ellie, I-” Marlene paused for a moment, taking a deep breath as the traffic light ahead of them turned green.

 

“You are my problem. Legally, you’re my fucking problem, and I’m getting sick and tired of you thinking that your shit makes you immune to the rules, it doesn’t. I’m not saying that the Pearsons were right in any way shape or form, but you have got to straighten up at school and stop acting out. No more fights, no more headphones in class, and you need to pull those grades up so you can graduate on time, alright?”

 

If she listened really hard, she could almost hear an iota of care in Marlene’s voice. It was usually there. After all, she knew Ellie’s mother once. A long time ago. She was there when Ellie was born, and there when her mother, who’s name was Anna, died. 

 

It was just a coincidence that she’d been assigned Ellie’s case, but she had, and now she felt some small bit of responsibility to at least keep her alive and on track to living past twenty-five. Reminding herself of that, Ellie took a deep breath of her own and gave her a nod of agreement.

 

Marlene took the moment to collect the rest of her emotions and settle back into her usual composure.

 

“And for your information, there are no group homes to just dump you at this time they’re all full right now. I’ve gotta find you another placement.”

 

Fuck.

 

Group homes sucked, but haphazard placements were ten times worse than any group home she’d ever been to. Last-minute foster parents were usually the bottom-of-the-barrel ones that just barely passed the requirements, and they were always the ones with the most screws loose.

 

She swallowed the sickness weighing on her tongue and stayed silent.

 

“Luckily, I know a guy who owes me a favor. Said I could call him if I was ever in a pinch. I just hope housing a feral child is somewhere at the bottom of that list.”

 

There was a small bite to her words, like she wanted Ellie to really think about the effect her behavior was having on Marlene’s ability to do her job.

 

Mission accomplished.

 

Pulling her knees up to her chest Ellie stayed silent and listened as Marlene used the voice assistant in her car to make the call.

 

“Call Tommy.”

Notes:

I loved writing this chapter, Ellie is so fun to write for. Thank you all for sticking with this. I know the exposition is long, but I think the content really makes up for it. This is a very planned fic so I’m really excited for you guys to see what’s in store. As always thank k you so much for reading and feel free to leave comments and feedback! It’s always appreciated.

Chapter 5: Pancakes

Summary:

Sarah being the exact type of person that is Ellie’s weakness and Joel riding the struggle bus.

The soft pink glow of the sunlight through her curtains radiated onto everything in her room, including her eyelids. As they fluttered open, and she let out a small yawn, she became aware of a more urgent presence. 

 

Hunger. Sarah had awoken with an angry gargling in her stomach and for a moment she was terrified that she was going to throw up before she even had time to get out of bed. She quickly realized that it wasn’t nausea, she was just hungry. Her tongue watered in her mouth, becoming tedious to swallow. She needed food.

 

And he knew just where to get it.

 

Glancing over at her clock she first made sure that it was long before Joel’s rising time, which it was, and then quickly threw the covers off and darted downstairs. She nearly missed a step right at the bottom, which had spooked her admittedly, but not enough for her not to continue flying towards the kitchen.

 

She sorted through ingredients like the witches in cartoons, throwing stuff into piles here and there. Now that she was awake and in the process of actually doing things, she wasn’t afraid to wake Joel up. In fact, she hoped she did, so that he could come downstairs and see the breakfast she cooked for the two of them.

 

In spite of any grogginess and grumpy comments, she knew he’d be thankful. He just needed his coffee, which she’d already started for him.

 

~

 

For a moment, he couldn’t tell if the metallic scent was coming from the guitar string sweat on his fingertips or the blood pouring out of her mouth.

 

“Sarah?”

 

She was across a dark and daunting void, and he was standing in water about an inch deep. It wasn’t necessarily frightening so much as it was unsettling.

 

“Sarah?” he called, taking a few steps forward.

 

Her voice echoed through the pitch-black infinity around him.

 

If I ever were to lose you…

 

“Sarah?”

 

He was louder this time, feet moving faster than before.

 

I’d surely lose myself…

 

“Sarah!”

 

The rush of blood seemed to increase with the speed of his steps until it was waterfalling down her chin and staining her purple t-shirt. A familiar sight.

 

He’d seen this before.

 

Another step and suddenly everything was upside down. He was thrown back into that night in the ambulance, standing outside of his body, watching everything happen and yelling at everyone around him to do better. To do more .

 

The beeping of the heart monitor became more and more intense until it was screaming at him and he was shooting up in bed in a cold sweat.

 

The alarm on his dresser beeping to the same rhythm. 

 

Shit .

 

He slapped a hand onto the off button and took a moment to catch his breath. 

 

He wondered if he’d ever stop having these nightmares… or if he’d ever remember them when he woke up.

 

The one thing he could always place was loss. He felt like he’d lost something… or maybe that he was scared to lose it.

 

Joel shook the eeriness away and swung his feet over the bed, allowing his joints to crackle and pop as he stood up. His age was definitely catching up to him.

 

~

 

The pan sizzled as Sarah tossed the eggs in them, using the spatula to scramble and separate them.

 

They were almost done. She would’ve made the pancakes first, but she couldn’t find the mix. It worried her a little considering Joel was pretty particular about where he put things. If the mix wasn’t in its spot, they were probably out. She held onto a little hope, however, as he made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen.

 

He had on jeans and a grayish t-shirt that was beginning to look a bit too small for him, and a dark wash pair of jeans that meant he was probably going to be doing something at work that made a mess. Usually he did, but these were painting or sanding clothes.

 

“Where’s the pancake mix?” 

 

She asked the question as she was turning the stove off, moving the eggs to a different eye to stop cooking.

 

“Forgot it at the store, sorry.”

 

The response was sort of mumbled as he made his way over to the pot of coffee. Like a moth to a flame.

 

“Come on, man!” Sarah whined, opening the fridge and taking out the jug of orange juice.

 

He had no response to that, not even a huff or snarky comment. Just silence.

 

That made her nervous, but there was never a mood so bad she couldn’t turn it into a smile. Not with him.

 

Grabbing two glasses out of the cupboard she filled them both with the orange juice and passed one to him.

 

“I have coffee.”

 

This was one of those times that she wasn’t sure why his dismissiveness stung so bad, he just got that way sometimes, but this in particular hurt.

 

“Okay? It’s vitamin C,” she said, nudging the glass a little closer.

 

He stared at it for a moment with a look that she couldn’t decipher and then set his cup of coffee down to get started on the orange juice.

 

A silent thank you flashed in her eyes as she chugged her own glass.

 

“Wh- Jesus, Sarah, slow down. Don’t- you’re gonna make yourself sick.”

 

Sarah .

 

She almost choked on her juice as the word rolled off of his tongue like something foreign. 

 

Sarah.

 

Not babygirl, not baby, or sweetheart, or honey, or pumpkin, not even a kiddo. Sarah. He must’ve been either really angry or really scared. They were practically the same emotion with him and sometimes it was hard to tell. Either way, her heart was on the floor and she no longer had any interest in picking it up.

 

Sarah did as she was told. She slowed down as she drank the last few sips and set the glass in the sink.

 

She caught a small sigh from him, but she didn’t look at his face to see what had caused it. Maybe he’d just realized he was being a colossal asshole his morning. She wasn’t holding her breath on that.

 

~

 

The rest of breakfast had been quiet. In fact, it had been silent. So much so you could’ve heard a hairpin drop and the air had felt thick with silent screaming.

 

There were so many things she’d wanted to say to him. At some point it had gotten so overwhelming that it made her emotional to think about, so she’d excused herself from the table to go get ready for school, promising she’d do the dishes later.

 

The rest of her day hadn’t been much better. Mr. Massino had assigned the class a pop quiz with questions that made absolutely no sense. 

 

Sarah had been a straight A student her whole life, but she wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d missed at least half the questions on that thing. For once, she was okay with cutting her losses and moving on to the next thing.

 

Briefly, she’d found herself glancing over at Ellie, but upon remembering how their conversation went, she decided against pushing for anything. She was intrigued by the girl that had risked her own education (though she didn’t seem to invested in that), to defend her. They didn’t even know each other. That kind of selflessness was something she didn’t see often, and the package it came in definitely didn’t match.

 

As if on cue, Sarah looked up as she walked down the hallway to see none other than Ellie herself standing in front of the vending machine.

 

“You have got to be kidding me.”

 

It took her a moment to register what was happening because it was the kind of drink machine you couldn’t see inside, but as Ellie began to vigorously push the coin return button (to no avail), followed by attempting to shake the machine, Sarah deduced it had eaten her dollar bills.

 

Just as Ellie’s palm collided with the plastic exterior, Sarah came to a stop beside her, already taking out three dollars and putting it into the machine.

 

Ellie seemed too stunned to say anything for a moment, and Sarah took that opportunity to speak.

 

“It does that sometimes. It’s really a toss-up with this one.”

 

Sarah carefully pushed the button for the cherry coke that the other had unsuccessfully ordered and it came barreling out along with fifty cents back in change.

 

Sarah extended both arms to present the items to Ellie, who just stood there with her arms crossed.

 

“I don’t need your charity.”

 

Sarah had learned very well, mostly from watching how Joel interracted with pretty much anyone that wasn’t her, how to crack stubbornness in a matter of minutes. It was a matter of mirroring. You find what their defense mechanism is and you throw it back at them. Breaks the guard down every time.

 

“It wasn’t charity, it was help, and it definitely looked like you needed that. You weren’t winning any fights against that vending machine.”

 

The fact that the other’s response wasn’t immediate was confirmation enough that she was getting somewhere, albeit very slowly.

 

“I was fine.”

 

“You were dollarless.”

 

Another moment of silence passed and Ellie finally spoke up again.

 

“What’s your deal anyways?” she asked, taking the coke and coins from the girl’s hands. “You like… a stalker or something?”

 

Sarah rose a brow and lowered the opposite one a bit, giving her a glance that meant something along the lines of do I look like a stalker ?

 

Ellie gave half a nod. No you do not .

 

“So… Mr. Massino is kind of the worst.”

 

A laugh. She’d scored a laugh.

 

“He’s number one on my list.”

 

Sarah let out an airy laugh and crossed her arms.

 

“What kind of list?”

 

“Currently untitled, but it’s the list people who piss me off go on.”

 

Sarah gave a mischeivious smirk and Ellie looked like she was fighting a loing battle against a smile of her own.

 

“Am I on that list?”

 

“Rule number two of the list, don’t tell people they are or aren’t on it.”

 

Sarah’s brow quirked again in question.

 

“What’s rule number one?”

 

“Never reveal the list at all.”

 

“Right, naturally.”

 

This was good. She was definitely getting somewhere.

 

But then the bell rang. Of course.

 

She couldn’t even stay long because she had to tutor a freshman in her English class for an hour after school.

 

“Well, I’ve gotta get going. I’m on tutoring duty today.”

 

“Sounds miserable.”

 

Sarah chuckled at that.

 

“I actually kind of like it. It’s nice to be able to help people.”

 

Ellie’s face scrunched in mock cringe.

 

“And I was just starting to think you might’ve been cool.”

 

“Now?”

 

There was another long pause where the girl contemplated her next words, and despite needing to be to Ms. Presley’s room at exactly 4:10 on the dot for tutoring, Sarah stayed to hear what she had to say.

 

“Ellie.”

 

Sarah smiled. She’d done it. She’d chipped a crack in the concrete.

 

“Sarah.”

 

Ellie gave a nod and began stepping backward down the hall.

 

“Well then, Sarah, have fun teaching blind orphans to read.”

 

Her exaggeration of Sarah’s need to help people forced an eye roll, but the smiles on both of their faces did not go unnoticed by the other.

 

~

 

Joel knew he’d fucked up immediately after he said her name. He rarely ever called her that,  not unless he meant business, but it wasn’t ever malicious even when he was serious. He couldn’t name the last time she’d actually gotten in trouble for something, in fact, he wasn’t sure she ever had. Not with him at least. She was just a good kid. With everything she went through, she had better things to focus on than questioning authority.

 

He hadn’t even meant to be accusatory with his words he was just… worried. He tried his best not to let his own shit bleed into her life; it wasn’t her problem. She shouldn’t be the one worrying about him, but he wasn’t perfect. He slipped up sometimes and he only hoped that she could understand to some extent.

 

There was nothing in this life that Joel loved, or ever would love, more than her. He liked to think she knew that, but he didn’t always make it the most clear. That was something that ate at him often.

 

As his truck rolled to a stop at the front of the school, he put it in park and glanced out the passenger side window to see if he could catch Sarah walking out the front door. He wanted to be sure the door was unlocked when she got there in case he wasn’t paying attention.

 

He tended to dissociate when he was sitting still.

 

To his surprise though, he actually did see her, and even more surprisingly she was with the girl he’d seen in the office the other day. The one who had supposedly stepped in and defended her.

 

As shitty as it was to say the fact that they were laughing together and walking around like one of them hadn’t been suspended worried him a little. Then again, Sarah was a good judge of character, he hoped her ability to not fall into the wrong people was as good as he thought it was.

 

Regardless, he rolled the window down while they were still far away enough for him to listen.

 

“-I think you waited for me-”

 

“Bullshit. My ride isn’t here yet-”

 

“You’ve been waiting on your ride since 4:00?”

 

He didn’t have great hearing, on account of being mostly deaf in his right ear, but he was sure he heard the girl had been waiting here since school let out at 4… it was 6:32.

 

“Yeah, well, my people got shit to do.”

 

He let out almost an audible scoff at that. Like having things to do constituted leaving a child at a school hours after it ended with, what he deduced from context clues, nothing to do.

 

Sarah seemed to be thinking something similar from the look on her face, but if she was she didn’t make it known verbally.

 

“Well, do you need a ride home?”

 

The answer was faster than immediate, which didn’t help his suspicions.

 

“No, no, Mar- she’ll be here in a bit.”

 

That was where he tuned out. This kid’s situation, as sucky as it looked, wasn’t his business, or his problem.

 

Sarah and the girl went back and forth for a moment in a bit of a playful banter before eventually parting ways. 

 

She hadn’t even settled into her seat yet before turning to him with the look on her face that meant she was about to ask him something.

 

“I need you to ask her if she needs a ride home.”

 

He knew it was coming before the words even found their way out of her mouth.

 

“Baby, she just said-”

 

“I know what she said.”

 

There was a sort os snap to it that he hadn’t been expecting. Something had been left unsaid in her and the other girl’s conversation. Maybe he just hadn’t heard, but he was already not on Sarah’s good side at the moment. He wasn’t about to make it worse. So he sighed and leaned over her a bit so he was closer to the window.

 

“Hey, kid!”

 

She looked over at him with crossed arms and a raised brown.

 

“You sure you don’t-”

 

“I’m good.”

 

Well, there she had it. He tried, they both tried, the girl didn’t need any help.

 

“Alright, stay safe out here!”

 

And with that he rolled the window up and put the car in drive, beginning to roll away slowly.

 

Sarah shot him a look that he knew meant she was unsatisfied, but there wasn’t anymore he could’ve done. At least that was what he convinced himself of.

 

“She’s gonna be out there all night.”

 

The words were muttered, like she wasn’t throwing them at him, she was just disappointed. That was somehow worse.

 

“No she won’t. Parents just get… they get busy sometimes-”

 

“And leave their kids at school until the sun goes down?”

 

The words paralyzed his jaw and refused to allow a response. He gripped the wheel a little tighter.

 

She wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t right to just leave a kid like that to fend for themselves. The world was a dangerous place, especially for young girls like her.

 

The thought sent a shutter down his spine as he stole a glance at Sarah.

 

“Someone will come along.”

 

He wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince more. Himself or her.

Notes:

Ellie and Sarah make my heart happy. Also bless Joel’s heart he’s trying man.

Chapter 6: Fuck Tommy

Summary:

Joel has a soul-shattering moment of vulnerability of which I sobbed writing. Ellie gets another new home, and we all question our sanity.

Whoever ‘Tommy’ was, he hadn’t answered Marlene’s call. In fact, his number had been disconnected which had worried her briefly, but not enough for her to tell Ellie why. 

 

For the time being, which had been almost two days, Ellie slept on Marlene’s couch. That was against the rules, but there wasn’t anywhere else for her to go. Despite Marlene failing to pick her up after school on Monday, she wasn’t upset about the temporary arrangement. The couch was comfortable and she was fed. She even got fresh clothes and a shower where she didn’t have to find some way to barricade the door or constantly look over her shoulder. It was nice for what it was.

 

She knew it wasn’t going to last though. Halfway decent things never did and good things just didn’t exist. Not when it came to this. Because of that, she wasn’t surprised when Marlene walked through the door in a pace that meant it was time to go.

 

“Get your stuff together, I’ve got a place for you.”

 

A place… not placement. Maybe she’d meant placement, but Marlene was particular about her words and Ellie tended to analyze things down to the last syllable. It was what kept her alive in more cases than one.

 

“Tommy?”

 

Silently she was hoping that whoever he was, he’d magically shown up in time to save her ass. If there was one thing about Marlene, it was that she didn’t trust many people. The ones she did genuinely trust were good ones. Maybe he could finally be one that didn’t fucking suck.

 

“No-”

 

Or maybe not.

 

“Group home for teens over in West End.”

 

Ellie scoffed, but it was more in shock and disappointment than anything.

 

“Fuck West End, that place is a fucking dump, do you even watch the news?”

 

“Would you rather be out on the street?”

 

No .

 

“That’s what I thought. Get your stuff together, they’ve got your room ready. You’ll meet your roommate when you get there.”

 

At least she had a room mostly to herself. She could deal with one person and she could certainly take one person in a fight. It was the groups of kids that she always had trouble with. That was usually when she got into dissimissable territory. 

 

Regardless, she didn’t wait to be told again, she threw her bookbag over her shoulder and stood up, waiting for Marlene to get what she needed.

 

One thing about being passed around places so often? She didn’t have enough belongings that her bookbag was ever full. She had a comic book, a change of clothes, and a picture of her mom. There was also a switchblade that had been left with her when Anna passed, but she wasn’t supposed to have it, so she kept it as hidden as possible. That was about it. 

 

That was all she really needed. Sure, it was a short list, but it was less that could be taken from her and easier to keep track of.

 

“You ready?”

 

Ellie’s eyes darted up to Marlene as she walked back into the room with her phone and keys like they were crunched for time. Maybe they were. She hadn’t said much about this place, other than the fact that it was in one of the parts of town that people made it a point to stay out of. Those were usually the types of places she ended up in anyways, but she wasn’t going to be excited about it by any means.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Alright, let’s go.”

 

She still didn’t know who this Tommy guy was, but fuck him for ruining her shot at going somewhere not completely insufferable.

 

~

 

Her silence was palpable. He felt it looming in the atmosphere and he knew that if he didn’t say something it wasn’t going to go away anytime soon. It was probably a culmination of things, his attitude lately, him calling her by her name like she’d done something wrong for being a kid, and Monday with the girl from the fight.

 

He’d made one too many bad decisions recently and not only did he need to apologize, he needed to make it up to her somehow.

 

So there he was in her doorway. He’d knocked, and with a muffled approval of his entry, he pushed the door open a bit and leaned against the frame. His arms were crossed the way they normally were and he had this look on his face that was profusely apologizing before he could even get the words out.

 

She was much less than looking to hear anything he had to say right then, and he knew that, but even if she didn’t really listen he wanted her to at least hear what he had to say.

 

“You get your homework done?”

 

There was no bite to his words, it was a sincere question. Not that it had anything to do with what was on his mind, but that was how he talked. At least with her. He stalled as long as he could until she invited him to say what he needed to and then they discussed. She was much better at emotions than he was.

 

To that question though she gave him a look that meant what do you think and he took it as a hard no.

 

“Fractions?”

 

She gave him a thin-lipped unamused glance and he made a note to help her with it later if he could.

 

“Look… about the other day-”

 

“Which one?”

 

At first, he hadn’t even caught the comment, but then it went flying straight into his gut and for a moment he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

 

“Point taken.”

 

She gave a nod and continued staring at the notebook in front of her.

 

“Monday… before school… I didn’t mean anything by what I said I just…”

 

She finally peeled her eyes up from the paper and looked at him expectantly, the same as she had when he’d asked about her homework. Get to the point .

 

With just that look he knew a simple apology wasn’t going to get him anywhere. Not this time. He had to be honest.

 

“I’m scared.”

 

That piqued her interest. Pushing herself up off of her elbows from her prior position of laying on her stomach to use her bed as a desk, she sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed. 

 

Joel took a deep breath in and out, running a hand over his face and deciding to himself what was ethical as a parent to share with her and what wasn’t. Then again their situation was exactly ‘normal’ in the general sense of the word. With all of the shit that they’d been through together, they’d earned the right to be a little more real with each other than most fathers and daughters. After all, they were all each other had at the end of the day.

 

“When you got sick… the doctors said that it wasn’t going to go away. You’d be sick the rest of your life, but you’d get better. And you have… but they also said it would get bad, and there was no telling when, or how, or if-”

 

He couldn’t even bring himself to say it, and she seemed to understand because the attitude in her eyes had completely drained. Now she looked like she was two seconds away from jumping up and hugging him until he felt better.

 

“Sarah-” he stopped himself, taking care to let her know that he wasn’t upset this time. “-baby, I… you are my world. You are everything to me, and it has been such an honor to be able to watch you grow up and become the beautiful, brave, strong, intelligent young woman that you are, but I am terrified that I’m gonna wake up one morning and you won’t-”

 

The tears had been stinging at his eyes since he’d said her name, but now he was in a full-on war, trying to hold them back until she couldn’t see. 

 

Thankfully, her instincts had gotten the better of her and she’d crossed the room in a few steps, arms wrapping tightly around him.

 

He let out a shaky sigh and returned the gesture, one hand on her back and the other resting on the back of her head. His chin settled in her hair and he closed his eyes, a few of the previously trapped tears slipping out.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

It was barely above a whisper. A note of shame. He wasn’t just apologizing for the trivial things, but for not being there, for distancing himself. Because the painful truth was, he was pushing her away. She was doing so good, which in his mind meant someday soon her progress would snap, and he’d have to say goodbye. If she was already gone in his mind, it made it easier to do that without completely falling apart. But he couldn’t do that to her, she still needed him… and he’d always need her.

 

“I love you, babygirl.”

 

There was a pause, and he felt Sarah’s tears begin to soak into his shirt. It was almost alarming how good at silencing her cries she’d gotten. Like father, like daughter.

 

“I know.... I love you too.”

 

They stayed like that for a minute before eventually letting go and wiping their faces, standing in the silence until Joel had collected his emotions enough to speak up again.

 

“I got you pancakes and an iced coffee from The Zone. I know it’s not exactly homemade, but I figured… you know since I didn’t pick up the mix at the store-”

 

“Dad?”

 

He ceased his ramble to look at her with this pitiful hope in his eyes that they would be okay.

 

“Thank you.”

 

He gave a silent nod as she offered a smile and went downstairs to retrieve her dinner.

 

He stayed there and found his eyes drifting around her room. The pink curtains she’d insisted on having rippled slightly with the air from the vent above it. Her walls were covered in posters of her favorite movies and bands, and a corkboard with pictures over the years. Everything from soccer matches before she got sick, to silly moments between the two of them, to pictures of her and Max, or her and Tess, or the three or four of them. Every inch of her room was an indication of what a full life she was living and just how happy she was in spite of all of the pain she experienced. He was so lucky to get to be a part of it, and yet, he didn’t know how not to look at it with a timer. 

 

Glancing down at the broken watch on his arm he felt cracks forming in his heart like the face of the time-keeper. What was he going to do?

 

“Dad! You coming?”

 

He wiped his eyes again and cleared his throat.

 

“Yeah, be down in a minute!”

 

~

 

Gravel crunched under the tires as Marlene’s jeep rolled into the dirt parking lot of the place. It was underwhelming to say the least. It looked just like the nursing home she passed on the way to school every morning from the Pearson’s house. A long and not very wide building with baby blue side paneling that was made to be comforting.

 

It wasn’t.

 

The place looked abandoned, all of the lights were out and there were no cars. It was on a small plot of land next to a chunk of woods and a one-off gas station that looked like a place bad things happened. 

 

Yeah, she wasn’t saying here. Not long at least. She’d deal with Marlene’s anger later, but she was going to find a way to get out of there.

 

As she rolled to a stop, Ellie felt a sense of dread settling into her stomach, weighing her feet in place and making it hard to even step onto the dirt below them.

 

“Come on.”

 

Marlene was out of the car in an instant and it made Ellie wonder if she really did care or if she was just as happy to get rid of her as the next person. Was she really more than just another case? If she wasn’t Marlene wouldn’t have let her crash on the couch or take care to keep up with her school situation. Would she?

 

Somewhere in her spiraling thoughts, her feet had gone on autopilot and carried her to the door with Marlene. It wasn’t until the door actually opened and a new voice was added into the mix that she finally came to her senses and looked up.

 

“Is this Ellie?”

 

The voice was warm and airy, there was a certain sweetness that would’ve taken Ellie by surprise if she hadn’t done this so many times. There was always the face. The pretty one at the door with the smile and greeting that gave her hope that she wasn’t going to be beaten or starved or deliberately put in danger, but then that face went somewhere she never saw and was replaced by the ones that forced their way into her nightmares and clawed at her psyche.

 

There she went again .

 

“Yes, and I’ll take it you’re Mrs. Smith?”

 

She was thankful that Marlene had spoken up in time to cut off the beginnings of a curse-filled tirade. Despite being tired, she was never too exhausted to be rude. She was guarded and in a new place? It was going to stay that way.

 

“No, Mrs. Smith went home for the night actually. She runs the office, I’m Helen, I work the night shift here.”

 

The woman looked much too young to be called Helen. Not that anyone named Helen wasn’t young once, she supposed they were, but she’d never met a young one. Yet another reason she didn’t seem real.

 

“I’m Marlene, I’m this one’s case worker. Please let Mrs. Smith know in the morning that I said thank you for this opportunity and that I’ll be in touch as soon as I can.”

 

She was so quick to pass her off. No how do you feel about this place or hey, Ellie are you confident they’re not gonna kill you in your sleep yet? J ust a this is the little brat and a not-so-gentle nudging glance inside. Sure it was late, and there was no sense in stalling, she just thought…

 

“Of course, come on in, Ellie, I’ll show you to your-”

 

Before she could even finish the sentence, Ellie had shoved past her, making her way into the darkened common room behind the door.

 

If Marlene couldn’t spend five seconds making sure she was okay, she couldn’t spare a goodbye.

 

There was a muffled end to the conversation outside and Ellie felt a lump of anxiety begin to push nausea up her throat at the sound of the lock clicking shut on the front door.

 

It was like those scenes in horror movies where the beautiful woman suddenly morphed into the scariest fucking thing you’d ever seen. She was waiting for the monster to pop out, only she wasn’t scared she’d be ripped to shreds. Growing up was realizing that the monsters weren’t under the bed or in the closet, they were the people you were supposed to trust, and there were much much worse things than dying.

 

“Right this way.”

 

She didn’t argue, walking with Helen around the corner to a wooden door, which was casting a beam of light on the floor from the gap underneath it.

 

Ellie did her best not to think of the scary possibilities of this new person she was about to meet and share a space with. She just wanted to get to sleep; she had school the next morning.

 

Helen knocked a couple times before leaning closer to the door so she didn’t have to raise her voice.

 

“Riley? Are you awake?”

 

If the light under the door wasn’t already proof enough, there was a relatively clear come in from the other side and Helen didn’t waste a moment doing so.

 

She wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t what she got. There were no overhead lights in the room so it was illuminated by a single desk lamp, casting a soft warm glow over the room. It was surprisingly comforting, but she wouldn’t trust it for a second. 

 

There were two beds and it looked as if the room had been split in half. The side that was occupied was covered in drawings and posters and magazine bits. She recognized a few things. Like the massive Savage Starlight poster that seemed to be the center of the mural. Some magazine clips of video games she’d heard of, and the stack of cassette tapes on the nightstand. Etta James, A-Ha, and a mixtape that she was mildly interested in seeing the tracklist of.

 

“Riley, this is your new roommate, Ellie. Play nice, help her get settled in, but be in bed soon. You have school tomorrow.”

 

“Heard.”

 

Helen didn’t even give another glance to Ellie before walking out of the room and closing the door behind her. Fuck her too then.

 

Her hands tightened around the straps to her backpack as she observed her new roommate. She was about the same height as her. Her hair was an elegant weave of blondes and browns and blacks all into their own thin braids and then again into one big braid. It would’ve been pretty if Ellie wasn’t trying to decide whether she needed to sleep with her knife under her pillow or not.

 

“I’m Riley.”

 

She speaks.

 

“I heard.”

 

Her new roommate, named Riley, chuckled and crossed her arms.

 

“Something funny?”

 

That only forced up more of a laugh and it made Ellie's hands twitch with a reason to get kicked out sooner rather than later.

 

“I just can’t tell if you’re like that because you’re an egotistical dipshit or if you’re just genuinely scared, in which case, you don’t have to be.”

 

“Easy for you to say you-”

 

“Would I be here if I didn’t have at least a hundred countable reasons to fear for my life?”

 

Ellie thought about that for a moment. Normally in places like these she was at the bottom of the food chain. All of these kids competing for survival rights and attention, some crumb of fucked up affection, she rarely met people that weren’t hellbent on terrorizing her.

 

“I guess not, but that doesn’t mean you won’t get bored and try to kill me.”

 

She was serious when she said it, but the other didn’t seem to budge.

 

“Seems like a lot of work.”

 

Ellie had to try very hard to remind the smile creeping up onto her face that it wasn’t supposed to be there.

 

“You look stupid.”

 

For a moment, she wanted to be offended, but she could tell there wasn’t any realness to the words. She was just poking fun at her. Genuine, innocent fun. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d experienced that.

 

“ You look stupid.”

 

Riley pulled a hand to her chest and widened her eyes.

 

“Oh no… oh god I’m wounded. I’m so very hurt and upset that you would say that to me.”

 

She couldn’t contain her smile anymore. Ellie let out a huff of a laugh and shook her head.

 

“Alright, dick.”

 

Riley let out a bright and airy laugh at that (which made Ellie feel very weird on the inside), and uncrossed her arms.

 

“You wanna try this again?”

 

Ellie gave a nod of agreement and the smile on Riley’s face softened a bit.

 

“I’m Riley.”

 

“Ellie.”

Notes:

This chapter was an emotional roller-coaster but it's one of my favorites so far. Brace yourselves for the next few, it's about to get real.

Chapter 7: Just Two Kids And Make Believe (Can We Go Back To How It Used To Be?)

Summary:

Ellie and Riley being cute, and just Ellie being happy in general. This is a happy chapter. Good vibes here.

Soccer. Sarah wanted to play soccer.

 

The topic had come up out of nowhere at dinner the night before and taken him by so much surprise that he’d almost choked on his food. She’d brought up the fact that they were promising to be more honest with each other, and that she’d been struggling with her boredom. Joel worked a lot, and that left her at home with little to nothing to do. She missed soccer; she missed going out with friends and getting to live. Just that, she missed being alive , and not just cautiously surviving.

 

“Okay, well what did you tell her?”

 

Joel sighed and ran a hand over his face, keeping one hand tight on the wheel and making sure not to take his eyes off of the road for too long.

 

“I told her we’d talk to the doctors and see… I just don’t- I don’t want her overexerting herself, you know? She’s been doing so good, I don’t want this to be another one step forward, three steps back situation.”

 

“Joel?”

 

He paused.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You’re doing it again.”

 

“Doing what?”

 

“Getting in your head about shit you can’t fix.”

 

Goddamn it, Tess. Sometimes he wondered if he just happened to be surrounded by emotional bloodhounds who could sniff through his bullshit in a matter of seconds. Tess, Sarah, hell even Tommy back when he still felt like being somebody’s brother, they all just seemed to see right through him. Other times he wondered if that wasn’t specific to them and maybe his concrete wall was actually made of glass.

 

“She’s got a chronic illness. It’s going to be one step forward and three steps back for the rest of her life, and it is going to suck. It’s going to be painful, and I could tell you that it gets easier, but I don’t lie to you. You know that. You can’t let that fear of a possibility stop her from living whatever bit of life she could have. There’s nothing that says she’s gonna live past sixteen… but there’s not a damn thing that says she won’t.”

 

He hated that she was right. It was another moment of that wisdom that he was so envious of. She had this grace and knowledge with parenting that he didn’t think he’d ever get to have himself. Maybe it wasn’t rationality, maybe it was just a mom thing, but still, it would’ve been a nice skill to have sometimes.

 

“You’re right, I’ll talk to her doctor. She’s got an appointment on the fifteenth.”

 

“You’re doing the right thing, Joel.”

 

He let out another tired sigh and nodded, despite her not being able to see him.

 

“Yeah, I know.”

 

He left out the rest of what he wanted to say, not wanting to drag out the conversation.

 

Why does it feel like I’m not?

 

~

 

Ellie very quickly decided that the Lakeview Group Home for Teens was not as terrifying as it had looked in the darkness of the first night.

 

Or maybe it was, but it didn’t matter when she had Riley. 

 

In the weeks that followed that night the two of them had very quickly grown inseparable. The place, as she’d expected, was a dump. Helen was a decent human, but she only worked Tuesdays and Thursdays. The rest of the time they had Randy or Mrs. Andrews and neither of them were particularly fond of kids. Randy was drunk ninety percent of the time and Mrs. Andrews must not have been informed of the law update that said beating children was illegal because she didn’t hold back.

 

That was how she had scored her most recent black eye, and it was a nasty one. It was blooming several shades of purple, yellow, orange, and green that made her look like some kind of necrotizing fungus was eating away at her eyeball.

 

Riley said that it looked badass though, so she wasn’t too upset about it. She’d found increasingly that Riley was one of the only people in this world she believed when they said something.

 

Anytime the girl opened her mouth, Ellie dreaded the moment she closed it again. The sound of her voice had grown to be one of the very few comforts in this life she was able to have.

 

She didn’t exactly believe in God, but if she did? She’d be thanking him right about now. It was hard to believe Riley wasn’t some angel in disguise.

 

School was a few blocks away from the home, so they walked to a city bus stop that carried them right to the front lot of the school. It wasn’t a super long walk, so they didn’t really have to leave until 7:30 to get there by 8:30. Riley liked to be at school early to give them time to get to class before the bell rang.

 

A few weeks ago Ellie wouldn’t have given two shits what time she got to school, or if she was passing her classes or not, or even if she stayed in school at all, but now she had a reason to want to do something with her life. She had a reason to try.

 

That was both freeing and dangerous.

 

Currently, it was 7:15, and the two of them had found their way into the space under Riley’s bed. It was big enough for them to slide under and lay there relatively comfortably, but also enough for them to not be detected when Randy drunkenly stumbled in to check if they’d already  left for school.

 

It had briefly interrupted their morning read of Savage Starlight, but once he stumbled back out and closed the door behind him, they erupted in giggles and went back to reading.

 

“You’ve done the right thing, Daniela.”

 

There was a pause as Riley read the line in her very best Captain Ryan voice before switching back to her normal voice for Daniela Star.

 

“Then why does it feel like I haven’t?”

 

Ellie huffed at the ending.

 

“I hate cliffhangers.”

 

At that she slid out from under the bed and stood up, ignoring the ache in her head from the sudden force of gravity on her bruise. 

 

Riley followed suit and shrugged, putting the issue into her backpack.

 

“Every story has a cliffhanger if you really think about it. Even if the ending is tied up in a neat little bow, there’s always what ifs, you know?”

 

She had a point. She usually did though. There was this sort of profoundness about the way that Riley thought, and it was one that sometimes made Ellie feel like the dumbest person to walk the Earth. Riley had learned that look, the one that meant insecurity, and she took care to remind her that intelligence is acquired not given. That was probably why Ellie had been working so hard to learn as much information as she could.

 

If she knew half as much as Riley did, maybe…

 

“You coming?”

 

Riley asked, the window already open for them to slink out of.

 

“Shit, yeah.”

 

~

 

This was the fourth time her lead had broken in one problem and she was about two seconds from snapping the thing in half with sweaty hands. The only problem was that she’d borrowed the pencil from Mr. Massino, and she was taking special care not to get into any more noteworthy trouble with him.

 

Or any noteworthy trouble at all.

 

“You struggling there?”

 

Ellie looked up with narrowed eyes and rolled them in a way that meant fuck you too . 

 

Sarah stiffled a small laugh and pulled out a mechanical pencil from her bag.

 

“Here.”

 

Ellie’s eyes shifted up again, but this time out of mild curiosity.

 

The offering, like most things the girl owned, was a girly shade of purple that didn’t even touch Ellie’s rough and tough personality. Under any other circumstances with any other person, she would’ve made some snarky refusal of the help.

 

But not with Sarah.

 

Though she wouldn’t exactly make it easy for her either. She couldn’t have Sarah knowing she was one of the few people in this godforsaken universe she didn’t completely despise.

 

With a swift motion she grabbed the pencil and gave a nod that meant thank you, and Sarah gave a small snickering laugh.

 

A few more minutes of Mr. Massino’s soap box yap session about political views he wasn’t supposed to share went on before he actually sat down and gave them time to finish their assignments. Surprisingly, she’d finished hers early, and less surprisingly, so had Sarah.

 

As soon as she set the pencil down she was already being bombarded with questions.

 

“You gonna tell me where you got that?” 

 

She gave a nod to the not-so-small bruise shrouding her right eye and some of the side of her face.

 

“Walked into a door.”

 

Sarah’s brow quirked into a look that was something like try again and Ellie huffed.

 

“Good morning to you too, Sarah, I’m doing great, thank you for asking.”

 

There was a sort of irritation in her words that the other saw through pretty quickly.

 

“I’m not judging, I promise. I know it’s hard for you to believe, but just because I make good grades and kiss ass to get through school doesn’t mean I don’t struggle in life. I’m not saying my situation is anything like yours, I’m just saying, I’m not perfect. Our shit is different I know that, but I can’t be open with you if you’re not open with me.”

 

Ellie glanced over at her for a moment. Her first instinct was to be defensive, to tell her that that was exactly something some straight A, daddy’s girl, prissy princess would say, but then again Sarah had somewhat of an infuriating point. She couldn’t expect people not to judge her when all she did was sit on a high horse and assume everyone else was a shit person. Guilty until proven innocent. 

 

“Mrs. Andrews.”

 

Sarah looked confused, as if she was racking her brain for what faculty or staff member at the school had that name.

 

“Nobody here. She works the night shift at the group home on Sundays and Mondays. She also feeds on the tears of children and I’m pretty sure her wrinkles are a skin suit. She’s probably got like eight stomachs and razor sharp teeth.”

 

Despite trying to cover it up with half of a dark joke, Sarah had caught her comment about the group home pretty quickly. Despite seeming somewhat surprised, she didn’t throw out any follow up questions.

 

Ellie was thankful for that.

 

“I’ve had a couple nurses like that.”

 

That piqued Ellie’s interest. 

 

It hadn’t much occurred to her until then that just because Sarah hadn’t had the feeding tube in for a while didn’t mean she wasn’t still sick. Up until this point they hadn’t talked about anything personal. They’d known each other for weeks and still didn’t know much at all about each other.

 

“So do you like… live there?”

 

Sarah smiled a bit and shook her head.

 

“Not anymore, no. Technically you can’t officially live there but I was definitely there more than I was home. I’m actually from Austin, originally, but I moved up here for treatments.”

 

Austin. Texas? Probably. That made the most sense. She had that southern bell thing going that Ellie had learned to mostly tolerate.

 

“When I was younger I was in the hospital a lot more, but not so much now. I’ve learned to do a lot of things at home, and most of my sickness is pretty manageable on my own I just have to be cautious with what I do.”

 

Ellie was silent for another moment as she thought about what she wanted to ask. She wasn’t exactly the best at phrasing. Conversation skills were ones that she severely lacked. Mostly because she hadn’t had many opportunities to actually talk to people.

 

“So… were you… were you like- born sick?”

 

Sarah shook her head and shifted in her seat a little.

 

“No, I was actually pretty healthy all the way up until I was eleven. I got a stomach ache one day, then it kept getting worse, wouldn’t go away. One night the pain got so bad I couldn’t stand it and then I was throwing up blood. They called an ambulance and it’s been a lot of ups and downs since then. Basically, my stomach thinks there’s a blockage that’s not actually there. It’s kinda like paralysis. When it gets bad I can’t eat. Sometimes I can’t even drink.”

 

Ellie cringed a bit at the thought. 

 

“Jesus, that’s fucking gnarly.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

There was a beat of silence and she noticed Sarah’s hand resting on her stomach. She couldn’t tell if it was an instinct or if she was feeling sick, but she wasn’t about to ask.

 

“It won’t ever go away. I’ll get better and worse constantly for the rest of my life, but I hold onto the periods where I’m almost normal. It makes everything else worth it I think.”

 

Normal . She lived every day striving just to be normal. It made Ellie feel a little silly for wanting so badly deep down to have her cake and eat it too. A place that didn’t suck, friends, a good life. Maybe she needed to learn to strive for normal too.

 

“So your mom and dad… are they like- super strict with you? I know sometimes when kids are sick their parents get all… helicoptery.”

 

Sarah let out a small laugh and shrugged.

 

“My dad can get that way sometimes, but it’s just because he cares. I don’t have any siblings, and my mom left when I was a baby so he just… he’s scared to lose me. I get it.”

 

Ellie drank in the words like a glass of whiskey, and they burned going down her throat. She wished there was someone out there who was scared to lose her.

 

“My mom died when I was little. No dad though. No family either. My case worker, Marlene, she was really close with my mom growing up. They were foster kids too, so I think Marlene kinda understands. She’s just… God she’s so fucking hard to read.”

 

“Adults can be that way.”

 

“Fuck yeah, they can.”

 

The words were breathed out, like it was a relief to hear someone finally agree with the fact that adults weren’t these perfect all knowing beings. They didn’t have the answers to everything, and they made mistakes. They fucked up too. 

 

Maybe she did like Sarah.

 

“It sounds like she cares about you though.”

 

Maybe she did. Ellie’s mind went back to the night that Marlene had dropped her off at the group home and the urgency she’d done it with. The fact that it was so easy. Maybe.

 

Before either of them could say anything else, Ellie’s stomach grumbled loud enough to cause another brow raise from Sarah.

 

“Jesus, when was the last time you ate something?”

 

That stopped her in her tracks. Nobody ever asked her that. Riley was the only person who cared enough to maybe ask, but she already knew the answer. Her stomach was always growling just as much as Ellie’s. 

 

She let out a mmumbled I don’t know and as the bell rang, Sarah stood up and began to pack her stuff.

 

“I don’t exactly know how group homes work and if you’re ever allowed to leave or not, but you should come over for dinner. My dad works a lot so he doesn’t usually decide what we’re going to eat until he’s on the way home. I’m sure he could pick something up you’d like.”

 

Dinner. Not once in her life had Ellie ever been offered dinner. It was always just shoved at her and she either ate it or starved. Even then, most places didn’t even bother that. Food was a very sparse luxury for her, which was probably why she looked closer to twelve than fifteen.

 

Regardless, there was no way she could get permission to go out, and she didn’t want to sneak out and risk getting caught. Despite the shitty parts, this was the one placement she’d ever been in that she genuinely wanted to be at. If Riley was there, she wanted to be too. 

 

“I’ll think about it.”

 

~

 

By the time Sarah’s appointment rolled around, she’d realized it was a lot more nerve racking than she'd initially anticipated. Checkups never usually made her nervous, but this was the checkup. Today she’d find out if she was really getting better or not. That came in the form of whether or not she’d be able to play soccer again.

 

Joel still wasn’t convinced that it was a good idea, but he loved her enough to at least hear her out about it, and that was enough for her.

 

That being said, when they got to the doctors office and had all of her initial tests and scans run, she was sat in an exam room. Her legs hung over the side of the cushioned table she always found her way back to, and Joel was sitting in one of the chairs against the opposite wall. He was leaned forward with his fingers intertwined, chin resting on top of the braided structure.

 

He seemed just as nervous as her. She couldn’t decide if that made her more nervous, or feel less alone. Both probably.

 

It wasn’t until a knock sounded on the door and it creaked open that she and Joel simultaneously straightened their posture and looked over at the doctor.

 

“Hey, Sarah, good to see you sweetheart, how’ve you been? How’s school?”

 

He asked his questions as he sanitized his hands and sat down on the little rolly chair next to the wall mounted computer.

 

“Good, school’s been good.”

 

The man nodded with a smile and logged into the computer to look at her chart.

 

“That’s great, I’m glad to hear it.”

 

There was a brief moment of silence as the doctor, who’d been her specialist for the past few years and was named Dr. Everest, or Danny to his frequent fliers, scrolled through her information from that day’s visit.

 

“Your dad tells me you’re interested in playing soccer.”

 

Thank God someone mentioned it before she had to.

 

“Well, I played it my whole life up until I got sick… but I’ve been doing better so I guess I just wondered if maybe…”

 

Her voice trailed off and Danny picked it up with a nod.

 

“Sure, that’s completely reasonable.”

 

He continued his observations and eventually turned away from the computer to look between her and Joel.

 

“Well, from my end everything looks great. Really, you’ve been doing exceptionally well. We might just have to play it by ear, but I think that as long as you keep up with your health and listen to your body, you could be back out on that field with no problem. You just have to understand that your health is very important, if you get sick during the season it’s important to take care of yourself and do what you need to safely recover. Don’t push yourself. As long as you do that I think you’ll be just fine.”

 

Sarah let out a sigh of relief at that and her eyes lit up. She was ecstatic. Finally, after years of fighting to just be a kid again she got this one thing back. It felt like she’d accomplished something, like all of the pain she’d been through had been leading up to this.

 

Of course, she still had to try out for the team, and she needed to get new gear, and practice, but she was sure Joel would help her with that.

 

She didn’t even know what to say.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Of course.”

 

~

 

He usually saved these kinds of chats for hospital visits, but Sarah was at the front desk getting signed out, so he took the time he had to talk to Dr. Everest and clear somethings up.

 

“Look, Doc, I ain’t gonna pretend to know even half of what you do about your field, but I just need to know. If there is any shot that this whole thing could blow up in her face I need to know. She’s such an ambitious girl, and when she wants something it’s all or nothing. Sometimes kids they- well you know they don’t think before they do things. I just don’t want her to get hurt.”

 

Dr. Everest stayed looking at the folder in his hands, getting ready for his next patient.

 

“She ever sprain her ankle playing before?”

 

The question stopped Joel in his tracks and he had to think for a second to recall. 

 

“Sure, plenty of times. What does that-”

 

“So you’d seen her get hurt. You knew it could happen, but it didn’t stop you from letting her play then, did it?”

 

Something about the man’s tone felt belittling. He wasn’t trying to be that, Dr. Everest was a good guy… but it just felt like-

 

“All due respect, Doc, we ain’t talkin’ about a sprained ankle here. We don’t know hat causes her sickness. What if she over exerts herself and it ends up worse than any other times? You’ve said it yourself it’s unpredictable, she could-”

 

The doctor cut him off before he had to let the painful reality slip out.

 

“As opposed to any other day?”

 

What?

 

“It’s like you said, her sickness is unpredicatble. She could get the worst flare up she’s ever had laying down in bed one day. Joel, the reality is that all of us are dying, some of us just have a higher chance than others. That doesn’t mean those people deserve to live the best life they can any less than the rest. Let her play soccer, at least let her make the choice. We’ve only got one life. As her father it’s not your job to search for some cure that doesn’t exist, it’s to make sure she’s happy while she can be.”

 

Joel felt a different emotion with each word the doctor said. He didn’t know whether he wanted to punch him or hear him out. Then he settled on neither. Then leaned back toward the latter. He was right, and he hated that he was, but Sarah didn’t deserve to be cooped up in the house all the time because of his own selfish fears. She deserved to be happy, to be a kid. It was the same thing Tess and everyone else had told him over the years. He had to let her be. He had to trust her and have faith that she’d be okay.

 

He gave the Doctor a nod of acknowledgement and Everest returned it with a pat on the shoulder.

 

“Let me know how tryouts go.”

 

Another nod and they parted ways. Joel caught up to Sarah just as she retrieved her school excuse from the front desk.

 

“Everything okay?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

With that the two made their way over to the elevator and he could feel Sarah tip-toeing over the question she wanted to ask.

 

He beat her to it.

 

“We gotta make a stop on the way home.”

 

“Hardware store?”

 

“Shoe store.”

 

His eyes were glued to the elevator door, but he could feel the warmth of that triumphant grin on her face that made all of this worth it. A deep breath. He just needed to breathe.

 

~

 

Ellie let out a shriek as Riley damn near tackled her. She’d moved out of the way just quick enough for Riley to throw herself into the bed and for her to make her escape to the other side of the room.

 

“Give it!”

 

“Never!”

 

There was a bit more tussling before Riley finally got her mixtape back and Ellie plopped down on the bed in defeat with a huff.

 

“I just wanted to read the tracklist. What is it like-”

 

Riley stopped her before she could even get the words out.

 

“No! Gross!”

 

Ellie’s goblin grin stayed propped on her face for so long that her jaw started to ache. Riley rolled her eyes at the other’s mischief.

 

“It was my mom’s.”

 

Ellie’s smile softened a bit at that and she sat up.

 

“Like… her personal playlist?”

 

“Yeah.”

Suddenly, there was an ache in Ellie’s heart. She didn’t even know this woman and she felt this sense of loss. She never cared much about other people’s pain. This was a foster home. All of their parents were either dead or not around, but this was different. Riley was different.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.”

 

All of the playfulness in the room had dissipated and there was this invisible string of pain between the both of them. It pulled Riley over to the bed next to Ellie and they sat together.

 

“Do you have anything to listen to it with?”

 

The question had just sort of forced its way out. She hadn’t even been thinking when she asked about it. Questions like that were the stupid kind, the kind that caused people to close up and distance themselves. So much so that Ellie wanted to kick herself in the foot as soon as the words came out of her mouth.

 

“No… no, I did once. But it broke at my last home. I just keep the tapes around for comfort I guess.”

 

There was a moment of hesitation as Ellie got a very bad idea. She got a lot of those around Riley, and most of the time she could force them out of her mind… most of the time.

 

She didn’t even say anything as she got up, she just did. Rummaging through her bookbag, she grabbed onto her walkman and made sure the earbuds weren’t tangled before pulling it out and bringing it back over to the bed.

 

“It’s old, and sometimes it makes the tapes staticky, but I kinda like it.”

 

She held the thing out for the other to take, she just looked at her for a moment with this confused look on her face.

 

Fuck. She’d fucked it all up.

 

“Shit… fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

 

A pair of arms trapped her so quickly she wasn’t sure whether she needed to fight or not. But then this unfamiliar resistance in her lungs, put there by the intensity of the embrace, caused her to have to reevaluate what this strange sensation was. A hug. This was a hug. She’d made Riley happy, happy and safe enough to hold her.

 

She wasn’t sure what it was but it felt like someone had lit a sparkler in her stomach and the world had stopped spinning around them. For the first time in a very very long time, she felt like she might be okay.

 

“Thank you, Ellie.”

 

Ellie . She even liked the way she said her name.

 

“You’re welcome.”

Notes:

This was my apology in advance for the next chapter, please forgive me.

Chapter 8: Love, Riley

Summary:

Love is complicated in all forms. It’s selfish and selfless all at once. Also known as Joel and Ellie being so similar to each other it’s WILD.

A note.

 

Riley had disappeared in the night and all that she’d left had been a fucking note. Her bed was still unmade, covers all pushed to the side, sheets twisted, and her mural was still stuck to the wall with teacher tacky. It was as if she’d evaporated into the air without a trace.

 

Ellie,

I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you this in person. You would’ve convinced me to stay, and I just couldn’t afford to let that happen. I know you’re going to be angry for a long time, you might even hate me, but I want you to know…

 

As a teardrop splashed down onto the paper Ellie wiped her eyes angrily, muttering out a pained fuck when she essentially punched herself in her already blackened eye. Once her current tears were dry, soon to be replaced by fresh ones, she continued reading.

 

…that these last few weeks have been the best of my life. I’ve never met anyone like you, Ellie Williams, and I don’t think I ever will again. I don’t think I want to. I’m not sure I’ll be able to go a day in the future without looking back on our time together and missing you, and I hope you can do that too. You’re an amazing person, and I hope one day you can find all that you’re looking for. If ever we cross paths again, I hope we can meet up again and pick up where we left off.

Love,

  Riley

 

By the time she’d braved her way throught the note Ellie felt like her lungs were collapsing in her chest. She couldn’t breathe in, it was just gasps and she held onto the note delicately despite her urge to self destruct and destroy everything around her. How could she do this? They’d opened up to each other, they’d become friends, they’d even talked about what they’d do when they got out of this shit hole. For once, Ellie was happy somewhere and she thought Riley was too… guess not.

 

Wiping her tears again, Ellie folded up the note and shoved it in her pocket. Whatever. She couldn’t be bothered to care right then, she had to get to school.

 

Once her face was clear, save for her puffy eyes, she threw her backpack over her shoulder and moved toward her bedroom door.

 

She wouldn’t climb out the window that day, it wasn’t necessary, and it was what Riley would’ve done, so the exact opposite of what she wanted to do.

 

~

 

That whole day, Ellie went over Riley’s note in her mind. You would’ve convinced me to stay , what the hell did that mean? Riley must’ve cared about her, must’ve wanted to be around her if her words had that much of an impact on her. Right? But not enough to stay. Not enough to stay for her. She wasn’t enough for her. I’ve never met anyone like you, Ellie Williams, and I don’t think I ever will again. I don’t think I want to. Worst of all, love, Riley. Love.

 

It was vastly different than, I love you. It was clear that Riley did not love her, but she felt strongly enough to sign it with her love. To give her love. None of it made any sense. What was she missing? What hadn’t she seen?

 

Ellie.

 

She remembered the way Riley had said it and the tone in her voice. She seemed comforted. She seemed like she was okay.

 

Ellie.

 

The more she racked her brain the less sense it made.

 

“Ellie!”

 

“What?!”

 

She’d almost forgotten where she was until her eyes snapped up to see Sarah’s familiar rainbow of Grecian gold coils. They swayed a bit as she pulled her head in surprise.

 

“You’ve been staring at the same blank paper for the past twenty minutes. I know you don’t like algebra, and you like Mr. Massino even less, but you look like somebody ran over your dog-”

 

With every word that came out of her mouth she felt her blood boil more and more. She wasn’t sure why, maybe her anxiety and hurt was brewing into anger, it tended to do that, but whatever the reason, Sarah’s concern felt more like nails on a chalkboard.

 

“I’m just… I’m just worried about you and I-”

 

Not that, anything but that. Nothing good ever came of people caring. It was like the moment they even alluded to it they were gone with the wind. She couldn’t do that. Even if she and Sarah were barely more than acquaintances, she couldn’t handle anyone else leaving.

 

“You what?! Wanna make sure I’m okay?! Well, I’m fan-fucking-tastic so take the Ms. Perfect attitude and go care somewhere else!”

 

Sarah couldn’t even get a word in before Ellie had her backpack slung over her shoulder and was storming out of the room, ignoring Mr. Massino’s yelling for her to get back there or there would be consequences. Her blank paper and Sarah’s purple mechanical pencil were still sitting on the desk as the door slammed shut.

 

~

 

She’d been too stunned to say anything as Ellie stormed away. Her mouth was hanging open slightly and her heart was uncomfortably clenched between a sense of betrayal and more worry than before.

 

Ellie had never yelled at her before. She’d seen her pissed off and she’d seen her peeved, and she’d even seen her mildly sad, but never angry. She couldn’t tell whether to be hurt or to wonder if she’d done something wrong. Or maybe even let her be and just wait for her to come back on her own accord. She didn’t have much time to think on it as the bell was already ringing when she finally brought herself back to the present.

In all of the jumbled thoughts though, one was clear. She hoped Ellie was okay.

 

~

 

The rain beat down on the window as Ellie laid back in her bed and stared at the ceiling. Her mind hadn’t been clear all day. She felt somewhat guilty for snapping at Sarah, but that was overshadowed by the pain she felt in her whole body.

 

Why? That was the one question she kept going back to. Why had she left? Clearly Ellie hadn’t been enough to make her stay, but was she the reason Riley left? Was she too much? Was she too little and too much at the same time? It was all relative and it didn’t make the sense she needed it to. Regardless of what angle she looked at it from, it didn’t bring Riley back. That was what she was struggling with the most.

 

Ellie didn’t even notice the tears inviting themselves onto her cheeks and down her neck in salty streams until the cool air of the vents hit them.

 

“Lights out!”

 

The call came from the hallway that night, thankfully. It took her a moment to get over the mumbled string of curses before she actually turned out the lamp.

 

It was another hour or so of laying there, staring at the ceiling and overthinking before she finally got to sleep. When she did though, she still dreamt of Riley. It was a good dream, which was somehow worse. A false reality that she’d have to wake up from at some point. A promise that would never be kept.

 

~

 

Peeling back the purple butterfly blanket on Sarah’s bed, Joel carefully placed her on top of the sheets and covered her up. She slept a very particular way. She had to have her hands either under her pillow or holding onto her favorite stuffed animal, and her feet always had to be covered. If they weren’t, she couldn’t fall asleep, and she definitely couldn’t stay asleep.

 

Once she was all adjusted he stepped back for a moment and looked at her in the dim lamplight. She looked peaceful. When she was sick, you could tell she was in pain even when she was asleep, but there wasn’t an ounce of pain anywhere in her sleeping expression. She was content. Maybe even purely happy for the first time in a long time. He did his best to hold onto hope that it would stay that way.

 

“Goodnight, babygirl.”

 

His voice was barely above a whisper as he didn’t want to startle her or disturb her slumber. His movements were just as quiet as he walked out of her room and closed the door behind him.

 

He was just about to turn in for the night, but someone had other plans.

 

~

 

She hadn’t even heard the window open. Ellie was a very hard sleeper, so it was no surprise that she was unaffected. A train could go by right outside the window and she still wouldn’t hear. It was just her nature.

 

The hand over her mouth, though? That definitely woke her up.

 

In flailing war, Ellie managed to launch herself out of the bed and pin the intruder to the ground. She’d already had the knife she kept under her pillow ready to use if need be.

 

“God, fu- ow!”

 

She knew that voice anywhere. Even in the shadows of the room, only illuminated by the dark orange glow of the street lights outside, the softness of her features and those doey brown eyes.

 

“Riley?!”

 

“Shh! Don’t let them know I’m here.”

 

Ellie’s mind was running a million miles an hour with a thousand different questions and possible answers. It was overwhelming, but there was one she’d been able to fire off.

 

“What the fuck?! Where the fuck have you been?”

 

Riley scoffed and shook her head.

 

“Nice to see you too, Ellie.”

 

Despite the betrayal of the fluttering in her heart at hearing Riley say her name again, she continued to be p!ssed, huffing as she put the knife away.

 

“No, fuck you, you don’t get to just leave me some cryptic ass note and then show back up and pretend like everything is fine! Nothing is fine, it’s all pretty fucking far from fine!”

 

Riley sighed and uncrossed her arms, opting to put her hands in her pockets instead.

 

“That’s fair enough.”

 

Ellie scoffed, looking at Riley with a half puzzled, half aggressive look.

 

“You know if you were going through some shit, I would’ve been there, right? You could’ve- you could’ve fucking told me! We could’ve worked it out.”

 

“I told you, I-”

 

“No, you didn’t tell me shit, you wrote me a note. That is not the same.”

 

Riley drew in a breath as if physically recounting her words.

 

“You’re right.”

 

That stunted Ellie’s anger. Riley was admitting she was wrong? Even more so that Ellie was right? Must’ve been a cold day in hell.

 

“I’m sorry. I just… I thought I found some people. Some people I could ride this sh!t out with until I aged out then I could go on my way and live a normal fucking life. I was tired of getting beat to hell all the time, barely being fed, I couldn’t keep doing it.”

 

Ellie felt her stomach drop at that. I couldn’t keep doing it. Also known as: you weren’t a good enough consolation prize for staying. Just as she’d thought.

 

“I would’ve.”

 

Riley’s expression dropped and she looked at Ellie in confusion. Her heartbeat was almost audible as it slammed against her ribcage.

 

“What?”

 

“If it was me? If I had the option to leave and you were still here? I would’ve stayed.”

 

There was a thick moment of silence that lingered in the air around them. Like they both wanted to scream at each other and make the other understand… but they couldn’t.

 

“Come with me.”

 

“Fuck that-”

 

“I’m not asking you to run away with me, I’m asking you to go to the park with me for a few hours and have one good night. Just one. You need a break, and I need to take my mind off of… all of this shit. So come with me.”

 

Ellie’s eyes locked on her for a moment, every nerve in her body screaming at her to reject it and shut her out the same way she had with Sarah earlier that day. She wanted to run as far away from all of this as possible, and yet? Despite the betrayal, she’d never felt as safe as she did around Riley.

 

Letting out an annoyed grumble and a huff she shook her head.

 

“This is so stupid-”

 

The words were mumbled and Riley knew that meant she’d won.

 

“Get dressed.”

 

Ellie rolled her eyes and grabbed her day clothes from her backpack. An old black long sleeve shirt, a red t-shirt with a sun on it she’d stolen from one of her previous placements, and a pair of jeans that probably had seven different plagues festering on them from the amount of time it had been since they’d even touched a washer.

 

 

“You know you really need to get some new clothes.”

 

Ellie was already half way through with removing her current shirt to replace with the long sleeve one when she heard Riley speak up again. Her cheeks flushed a bright red.

 

“Jesus- turn- turn around!”

 

Riley rolled her eyes and laughed a little, turning to face the window and staring out at the orange glow on the street. Even for a place like this, it was peaceful.

 

It only took Ellie a minute or so to get ready, mostly because she didn’t bother throwing her hair up in the usual ponytail. They wouldn’t be out long. She wasn’t particularly planning to get caught that night.

 

“You ready?”

 

She hadn’t even completely turned back around when Riley asked the question.

 

“If we get caught, I’m telling them you kidnapped me.”

 

Riley gave a small laugh at that.

 

“I wouldn’t expect any less.”

 

~

 

“I’m coming!”

 

It wasn’t often that Joel had people showing up at his door this time of night. He wasn’t on many people’s ‘no matter the time of night’ list, so there weren’t very many guesses to make. Still, he was in for a surprise when he opened the door.

 

“Tess?”

 

“Can I come in?”

Notes:

Sorry it took so long to post this, I live in America and I’m currently grieving my basic human rights. But hey the chapter turned out pretty good. Prepare yourselves for next chapter though, you’re gonna need seatbelts.

Chapter 9: That’s Quite A List… But What You Really Missed?

Summary:

Forgiveness much too late, or, Joel comforting Tess and Ellie struggling with her feelings for Riley.

The park wasn’t far from the group home, and the vision of it all engulfed in the darkness aside from the lantern-like luminance of the street lamps made for an eerily warm glow that suited their friendship well. It was dangerous to be out this late and yet she couldn’t think of a place where it was possible to feel more safe. Just her and Riley. Ignoring everything that had happened in the last twenty four hours, this was good.

 

The woodchips crunched under her feet as Ellie made her way over to the swingset. That was always her playground equipment of choice, even going back to when she was a little girl. Something about the defiance of gravity made her feel like she had control over something. Some small consolation for all of the shit she’d had to endure in her life.

 

Riley plopped down in the swing next to her and they let their feet drag, shifting every once in a while back and forth on the contraption.

 

“Alright, I’m bored.”

 

Ellie rose a brow and looked over at the girl with a brow raised.

 

“We literally just sat down.”

 

“Well, I have something for us to do while we ‘just sit down’.”

 

Ellie huffed, swinging back and forth for a moment as Riley rifled around in her backpack.

 

“You’re weird.”

 

Riley shot her a glare and continued to look through her bag. Eventually pulling out some sort of cylindrical piece of paper. It looked like a cigarette, but the color was off. No.

 

“Well, then I guess you don’t get any of this.”

 

As Riley pulled out her lighter to light the thing, Ellie’s eyes widened.

 

“Are you crazy?! You know what’ll happen if they catch us with that?”

 

Riley shrugged, lighting the joint and taking a long drag.

 

“I kidnapped you remember?”

 

Ellie let out an exhausted sigh and shook her head.

 

“So where’d you get it?”

 

Blowing the smoke out of her mouth, Riley handed her the joint and leaned back and forth on the swing a few more times.

 

“I told you, I met some people.”

 

Ellie released another disapproving scoff, staring at the thing in her hands before hesitantly taking a drag.

 

“So what, you got a cool new boyfriend and joined a-”

 

She couldn’t even get the word out before beginning to choke on the smoke in her lungs. Riley took the joint back and watched as Ellie nearly toppled over in a hacking fit. She did her best not to laugh, but her best was pretty miserable.

 

Ellie couldn’t manage much through the painful contraction of her lungs around what was definitely not oxygen or the watering eyes, but she tried her damndest.

 

“Fuck-”

 

Another cough.

 

“-you.”

 

Riley busted out into a fit of laughter as Ellie’s coughing finally slowed to a stop and eventually the cacophony of their good time faded back into the quiet of the night.

 

“And for your information, that’s exactly what happened. We’re getting married actually.”

 

There was a brief moment as the words grazed her ears that Ellie felt a familiar pit in her stomach. The same pit she’d felt when reading Riley’s note that morning. When she realized the tone in her voice though, she held back a laugh.

 

“Seriously though… what happened?”

 

The smile on Riley’s face seemed to dim at the question. It was obvious she didn’t really want to answer it, but Ellie needed the answer. Selfishly, she wanted to know it wasn’t her fault that she’d left.

 

“I got jumped at school-”

 

“What?”

 

“Relax, it wasn’t that big of a deal-”

 

“Yes, it is. Tell me who it was, I’ll fuck ‘em up.”

 

Riley leaned forward into herself a bit, one hand tight on the chain that held up the swing and one still on the burning bundle of herbs in her hand.

 

“It was Bethany and her posse, and I already fucked them up, look, it doesn’t. matter. My point is that this guy stepped in. Older, probably a senior. He could tell I was in the system and he asked if I had a good placement-”

 

Another stomach dropping moment. She wasn’t sure why that was such a detrimental question for her to hear. Objectively, this placement was pretty shitty. Definitely not as bad as most of the other places she’d been to, but it was the only one she’d willingly stick around. Riley made it the least shitty placement she’d ever been to. Knowing that Ellie was probably just another foster kid to her, nothing more or less… that was a different type of pain. One she couldn’t exactly place. It felt worse than abandonment.

 

At least being abandoned implied they cared at some point in time.

 

“-obviously I told him to fuck off, but he said that if I really wanted to get out I should talk to him.”

 

Ellie scoffed and chimed in with a somewhat jealousy charged tone.

 

“And you didn’t think that sounded sketchy?”

 

“It did, but everything sounds sketchy to us. We’re runts. I’d rather take the chance of something actually going well. What’s the harm? We’re either gonna die in here or age out onto the streets anyways.”

 

It was such an irrational thought, and for Riley of all people. Ellie wondered if these people had brainwashed her somehow, if that was even possible. Either way, this wasn’t the same Riley who’d read Savage Starlight under the bed with her just a day prior.

 

“So it’s that easy, huh?”

 

Riley had been in the process of inhaling when the question was asked, and her hum of confusion was coupled with a small trail of smoke out of her nose.

 

“To just leave it all behind?”

 

Riley scrunched her brows a bit and passed back to Ellie.

 

“By it all you mean Randy’s drunk rambles and getting beat four out of seven days a week?”

 

The retort almost flew out of her mouth like any other average string of insults, unfiltered, and filled with rage. Like a toddler in the midst of a tantrum, she pacified herself, taking a long inhale, this time without the coughing. She collected her thoughts as the smoke rolled off of her lips and finally spoke up.

 

“No… I mean the other three days.”

 

There was a staleness to the silence that even the chirps of the crickets couldn’t fill. It was almost painful, but Riley found a way to evade the comment the same way she did with all other emotional things.

 

“Come on.”

 

She stood up with the words, almost on beat. The tiredness in Ellie’s eyes was either ignored or unseen as Riley grabbed her free hand and dragged her over to the other equipment.

 

Ellie took care to take another long drag, as if it was something she needed, as if it were regular oxygen. As quickly as she exhaled, Riley snatched it back and did the same, then discarded it in the damp grass outside of the box of wood chips they were standing in.

 

She stood there with her arms crossed, watching as Riley tossed off her backpack and searched through it the way she had earlier.

 

“We need something-”

 

She paused as she arrived on the thing that she was looking for, tossing it up to Ellie who just barely caught it.

 

“-to lighten the mood.”

 

It took her eyes a moment to adjust in the darkness, coupled with the haziness of her current state of mind, but when she could finally read the cover, she couldn’t resist the smile.

 

“Volume: Too, Will Livingston.”

 

“Yep, pick a page.”

 

There was no resistance to that request. Ellie flipped through the pages, landing on a random one and observing the list of puns and punchlines listed. They were all so horrible, and yet she couldn’t hold back her giggles reading them.

 

“Come on, man, we don’t have all night!”

 

“Alright, alright, okay, uh…”

 

As soon as she landed on the one she decided to read she couldn’t help but let out a brief but loud cackle before she could even get the words out.

 

“What does-”

 

Another laugh.

 

“Why does Vin Diesel start his day with two meals?”

 

Riley rose a brow at the question to signify she had no idea.

 

“Because he needs breakfast and breakfurious.”

 

Ellie didn’t wait for a reaction to allow herself to let out all of the laughter she was holding in. Riley was not as enthused, but Ellie caught the smile she was holding back.

 

“Two. That was awful.”

 

“What?! That’s a solid five at the very least.”

 

Riley shook her head and took the book from her, flipping through the pages herself and looking for what she decided to be a much better option.

 

“I’m writing a theater piece about puns… it’s a bit of a play on words.”

 

Ellie forced out a scoff in place of the laugh trapped in her throat.

 

“That was dumb.”

 

“Better than Vin Diesel.”

 

“Yeah, okay.”

 

Riley put the book back in her backpack and Ellie stood there to watch. Her arms crossed to cover the goosebumps that the midnight breeze had brought over her skin, even through the long sleeves.

 

“So why’d you bring me out here?”

 

The question seemingly came out of nowhere and Riley stood back up to look at her in response.

 

“What do you-”

 

“I know you, Riley. Maybe not super well, but well enough to know this wasn’t just some half-assed apology for ditching me. So why are we here?”

 

Her whole face dropped more and more with each syllable until she looked like she was wearing some guilt ridden mask. One that made Ellie nauseous to look at.

 

“Ellie I- I’m leaving…”

 

Of course she was. They’d been having such a good time that Ellie had almost forgotten about the note and the fact that she meant close to nothing to Riley in the reality of things. She’d just been some brief distraction. Her already aching heart began to throb and it made the nausea grow worse. Her head followed suit, which was made worse by the bruise that spanned the length of the right side of her face. It ached worst in her temple.

 

“The people I met- they weren’t great, but they got me a train ticket. We’re going to Atlanta and then I’m splitting off. I have some family down there, maybe I can convince them to take me in.”

 

“And if not?”

 

She spat the question like it was venom, protecting her from the reality that Riley was leaving, and she couldn’t do anything to stop it.

 

“Then I’ll figure something out. I’ve survived on the streets here-”

 

“That’s different, Riley! You were born here, you know this place, you’re gonna get yourself killed!”

 

“I need to get out of here, Ellie.”

 

She sounded as if she was pleading, asking for permission. It was pitiful, and it forced rage through her veins in this uncomfortable flow against her blood. Like an aneurysm of loss.

 

“Why did you bring me here?”

 

Riley could almost feel the anger radiating off of her and it only caused the guilt in her eyes to grow, eclipsing the last bit of happiness that shined in them.

 

“I wanted to see you.”

 

“And?”

 

There was a brief pause as they both looked at each other. One begging the other to let her go, and one begging the other to stay.

 

“...and I wanted to say goodbye.”

 

Another pause.

 

“This isn’t… this isn’t easy for me, Ellie.”

 

“It is, actually. You just said it, bye.”

 

It was bitter as Ellie threw her hands into her pockets in some feeble attempt to hold onto something. Anything at all that was tangible. She settled on fists full of air.

 

“Ellie… please-”

 

“So what was all this then? Hm? You leave me with a fucking note, I think you’re either dead or dying on the street somewhere, then all of a sudden you show back up, completely fine, and give me this amazing fucking night all for what? To leave again? Forever? Running off with some idiots you don’t even know? Tell me I’m wrong.”

 

Riley seemed mildly hurt at that, but the guilty expression began to morph into something more complex… disappointment? Anger of her own? Ellie couldn’t quite place it.

 

“I think you don’t know everything. You have no idea what it’s like to have a family… to belong.”

 

If her abandonment hadn’t cut deep, those words were daggers and they were buried into the deepest crevices of her chest. She was choking on them.

 

“I didn’t have them for long, and they’re bad news, but they cared enough to at least let me tag along. I want that again. Maybe not with them, but if I can find my family, if they’ll just hear me out…”

 

There were tears brimming at her water lines as she tried to force the last few words out.

 

“...I need to matter to someone.”

 

You mattered to me first. She wasn’t sure why she couldn’t find the strength to say it, but she couldn’t. It was like some unfathomable context that was too complex for her brain to understand.

 

“You’re not changing your mind are you?”

 

“...no, I’m not.”

 

Ellie felt as though she could melt into the ground. Some pathetic little puddle for people to jump in and run through with their cars. One that would dry up and be forgotten without a trace. She felt like nothing, more so now than she ever had.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay?”

 

“Yeah. It’s like you said I can’t stop you, so it’s whatever.”

 

That’s where they left it. Riley didn’t try to make her feel better, and she was glad, because she wasn’t sure how much more she could take before breaking down.

 

“Come on.”

 

She was so lost in the image she’d already created of Riley walking away at the end of that night, never to be seen again, that she’d barely registered the comment.

 

Not until she looked up to see that Riley had already flung her way up on top of the monkey bars and was putting in a tape in the walkman. The one Ellie had given her.

 

She hadn’t even remembered the thing up until now. She hadn’t really had time to, given all of the emotions she’d been experiencing since Riley left.

 

“Get up here!”

 

“I’m good down here, thanks.”

 

Despite her rejection, her feet still carried her over. She didn’t climb up, but instead stood just next to Riley’s feet, looking up as she pressed play and put the walkman snuggly in her pocket. Her bookbag had been discarded into the wood chips below.

 

“Suit yourself.”

 

She hummed the words, as if their emotional goodbye hadn’t even taken place. Ellie couldn’t decide whether that was comforting or infuriating. There wasn’t much time to think on it as Riley interwove her legs into the bars and dropped to hang upside down, their faces now level.

 

The flush of red on Ellie’s pale cheeks went unmentioned by both of them.

 

“Here.”

 

Riley offered one earbud, and she took it without a word, placing it in her ear.

 

“Track fourteen, my mom’s favorite.”

 

This was the tape. The one that Ellie wasn’t allowed to see the tracklist for. If she wasn’t so hurt, this would’ve been a monumentous moment.

 

Either way, she listened to the song.

 

It was already through the first verse and onto the second, but she briefly recognized it from Marlene’s Ipod playlist. She couldn’t place the song name, but she knew P!nk was the artist.

 

“Your mom had good taste.”

 

The only genuine thing she could think of to say that was mildly appropriate to the vibe.

 

“Yeah, she did.”

 

Something broke. A levee of self preservation maybe? Whatever it was that was keeping Ellie in her anger short circuited and she realized very quickly she couldn’t just let Riley go. Anyone else? Sure, but not Riley. Not this time.

 

“I have a list.”

 

Riley’s eyes squinted as she looked back at Ellie for elaboration.

 

“It’s a list of all the things that make me want to stick around this shit hole a little longer.”

 

She seemed somewhat intrigued.

 

“Like?”

 

“Well it’s sort of opposite of the ‘people who p!ss me off list’... so… like… Helen nights. Or when Randy orders pizza for himself but is so drunk he passes out before he can collect it so I collect it and tell them Randy is short for Miranda-”

 

Riley let out a small laugh at that.

 

“So that’s how you get them?”

 

“...reading Savage Starlight, the way the lamp looks out the window, the little library in the common room, the fact that our room has a door-”

 

“That’s quite the list.”

 

You. It was another moment where the word refused to come out, like a stubborn toddler behind a bedroom door.

 

“But I think… there’s one thing you missed.”

 

The song had come to the end of the bridge, and the words seemed to align with their conversation like fate.

 

And I need you… I’m sorry

Please… please, don’t leave me

 

She couldn’t take it anymore.

 

Without hesitation, Ellie moved her hands to either side of Riley’s face and leaned in for a kiss. Her eyes squeezed shut like the biggest drop on a rollercoaster was two feet in front of her, like she might die if she opened them.

 

She didn’t have to hold her breath anymore when she felt Riley kiss her back.

 

Very much to her surprise, they stayed like that until the song was almost over.

 

“Stay…”

 

It was whispered against Riley’s lips, her eyes now open just enough to catch a glimpse of the other. Her heart was beating a million miles an hour, and she was praying to a god she didn’t believe in that this went the way she’d planned.

 

Please… please… don’t leave me

 

“Okay.”

 

~

 

“So… what’s gonna happen to the boy?”

 

Tess took a swig out of the generous glass of whiskey that Joel had poured her shortly after walking through the door and shrugged.

 

“I don’t know…”

 

Joel took the next few seconds of quiet to process what was being told to him. For one, he had been taken aback by her presence at his door that night. Not that it was unwelcome, but she never usually showed up without at least a text. Most of the time a call.

 

By the same token, she never usually showed up as stressed out as she had in the moments before.

 

He’d seen her stressed out about work, he’d even seen her upset or even sad about it, but never like this. It was almost as if this was personal on some level.

 

It was.

 

On some level.

 

“It’s not your fault, Tess. You’re at the mercy of the judge and jury, you know that. You’re not gonna win every case.”

 

She shook her head and stood up.

 

“It’s not- it’s not about winning or losing, Joel, it’s not a game. People’s entire lives are on the line, this little boy is being ripped away from the arms of a loving mother and being shipped off to a father who couldn’t give a damn about the kid outside of another paycheck. All because I failed at my job. When I lose, people get hurt.”

 

Joel was never too good at emotions. Unfortunately, he’d proven that on several occasions. His brain worked on things like a puzzle. He was a contractor at heart, so he was always trying to fix things logically. He never could quite understand that there were some broken things that just didn’t need fixing. They needed collecting, and to be held like they weren’t sharp.

 

“You knew that when you signed up for this, b-”

 

He paused. One thing he was good at was comforting people. Though he and Tess had been… seeing each other (that was one easy way to put it) for years now, they had never been official. They never called each other anything other than Joel or Tess even to other people. Never girlfriend or boyfriend or partner, never even friends, just Joel and Tess. Sometimes, however, in moments like these, he found nuggets of affection threatening to slip out and ruin the foundation of complacency they’d built their situation on top of.

 

“Tess-”

 

There was emphasis on the correction he made, but she didn’t seem to catch the mess up in the first place.

 

“-why is this case any different from the other ones you’ve had to take a loss on?”

 

Tess visibly swallowed the emotion brewing like a storm in her throat and forcing flash floods into her eyes.

 

“Because I can’t unsee his face! And every- fucking time I do, I remember Max looking at me the same way when I told him he was going to live with Stephen, I-”

 

“That wasn’t your fault-”

 

“Stop saying that! It was my fault! He’s gone because I couldn’t cope with the fact that he was sick that is my fault.”

 

“So was it this mother’s fault for not being able to cope with her kid’s sickness? Or mine for struggling with Sarah?”

 

She was quiet at that.

 

“At the end of the day it’s all shitty, and the world is a fucked up place, it always has been, and it always will be, but Max is not gone. He’s still here, and he still needs you. So you have got to figure your shit out and pull it together. You’re stronger than you think you are, now, I know that’s not what you want to hear right now but it’s-”

 

He was unable to finish his measly attempt at reassurance due to the knock at the door.

 

Jesus, why did this have to be the night everybody and their mother needed something from him?

 

“Coming!”

Notes:

I had to split this into three chapters 😭 (7,8,9) but anyways if you’re still here THANK YOU. I know the exposition was a lot, you will have Ellie and Joel soon. Also the song is called Please Don’t Leave Me by P!nk for those wondering. I highly recommend.

Chapter 10: But It’s Not Real, And You Don’t Exist

Summary:

Shit hits the fan, and Joel is left to pick up the pieces (as usual). Just… I’m sorry in advance.

She’d kissed her back. It was like this light flickering on and off over and over, she couldn’t process it. Up until then she couldn’t understand what Riley meant in her letter. You would’ve convinced me to stay , she’d been so hung up on it, thinking that it meant she didn’t care enough to stay for Ellie. That was just it though, it was the opposite, she cared so much about her that she couldn’t stay. Riley seemed to have the opposite problem to her own. Where Ellie pushed people away who showed an ounce of care, Riley pushed away people she found herself caring about. In both senses it was a survival instinct. Self preservation.

 

It made her think about Sarah…

 

She couldn’t do that to herself right now. Riley was back, and that was the important thing. Even more than that, she wasn’t leaving ever again.

 

“Come on.”

 

Her voice was something so unnaturally comforting… like the breeze in a tall grass field in the middle of the night. It was peaceful.

 

She gave a nod as Riley pushed the window open and carefully slid back inside.

 

There was a moment of hesitation as Riley went inside. Not that she was questioning her actions, she just wanted to take in everything. For the first time in a long time, she was allowing herself to hold onto something, and something truly good. Everything felt… right, for once. Even if Mrs. Andrews and Randy sucked, it was worth it for her. It always would be.

 

It wasn’t until a small clatter from the room sounded that Ellie came back to her senses and slipped inside after Riley.

 

“What was-”

 

She got her answer before she could even ask the question.

 

They weren’t alone.

 

“Jesus Christ, what do you want?”

 

Her feet had barely hit the ground as her eyes drifted to the group of guys that had found their way into the room. She vaguely recognized them as some of the other residents of the group home. They were probably fifteen or sixteen max, but they all had these cocky smirks on their faces. Instinctively, Ellie pushed her sleeves back and planted her feet where she stood.

 

“We just wanna talk.”

 

“Get the fuck out and go talk somewhere else.”

 

Despite her fierceness, there was this violent raking in her ribs that felt something like fear threatening to crawl its way out. Her eyes flashed to Riley and gave her a quick look that meant run.

 

Riley attempted to oblige, not seeing a need for debate.

 

She only got a few steps before one of the guys stopped her as if he was a brick wall. She ran straight into him, and he reached out to grab her.

 

The rest of it was a blur.

 

It was in slow motion and still somehow happening too fast for her to react in enough time.

 

Riley stepped back to avoid the boy’s ill intended hands, and her heel didn’t quite land right. It seemed like something out of a movie. The kind of logic you point out as flawed because of how little it actually happens. Somehow that made it feel even more real.

 

She seemed to trip on jagged air, her feet catching and throwing her balance away from her.

 

Ellie stood there, watching as the small vulnerable space between the back of Riley’s neck and the lowest part of her skull collided with the wood corner of the bedpost.

 

She’d remember that horrible crack for the rest of her life.

 

“Riley?”

 

She could’ve sworn the silence that followed was the worst thing she’d ever heard, next to the blood dripping onto the hardwood floor below them.

 

“Riley? Hey, get up, please, get up-”

 

Ellie was on her knees quicker than she’d ever moved before, gently rolling her over to look her in the eyes. What she got were glossy abysses of nothingness.

 

“Somebody help!”

 

At first she was in denial. This wasn’t happening. She was fine, she’d just been knocked out, she’d wake up and they’d be okay. She was staying, she promised she’d stay.

 

“Somebody fucking help!”

 

Next was disbelief.

 

This wasn’t happening. Not now, not to her. Not after everything they’d been through. This had to be a bad dream, one she’d wake up from and look over to see Riley still sleeping soundly under her mural.

 

“Shit… holy- I didn’t- I- I didn’t mean to I-”

 

The pathetic stuttering of the once big and arrogant piece of sh!t in front of her pulled her into the next identifiable stage of instant grief.

 

Rage.

 

“You motherfucker!”

 

Her knuckles collided with his cheek in an angry crash and he stumbled back a bit. Not enough.

 

Before he could manage another word she had him pinned, repeating the same motion over and over with no regard for the crimson painting his face.

 

She didn’t even stop when she felt the searing pain in her forearm, nor did she care enough to peel her eyes away to investigate.

 

The other two boys were long gone by the time Helen came running into the room.

 

“Ellie?!”

 

She was able to get one more hit in before she was ripped away.

 

“Oh my god, Ellie, stop!”

 

Even with her arms pinned behind her she was flailing about in some futile attempt to get back to him and finish what she’d started.

 

“Get off! Get the fuck off!”

 

By that time a few more kids had been awoken by the ruckus and gathered outside of the door in shock, horror, and intrigue.

 

“Somebody call an ambulance!”

 

~

 

Vague blobs of blue and red cycled through the darkness of the car. She couldn’t focus on anything around her at the moment, not while she replayed everything in her mind for the millionth time.

 

The crack.

 

The slippery feeling of bloody knuckles and the way they dried like watercolor.

 

The cops had arrived and immediately detained her and put the boy in an ambulance.

 

Thankfully for her, detaining only meant questioning on the sight. Helen had been on her side, which she’d be thankful for until the day she died. She’d told the cops the truth, which adults in her life rarely did, and confirmed her story about how the kids that cornered her and Riley were dicks. They’d been starting shit with them and plenty of other kids in the home for months. It was only a matter of time before a fight broke out.

 

After checking the common room cameras to catch the boys sneaking out of their rooms and into Ellie and Riley’s, the cops let her go on self defense and told Helen they’d keep her updated.

 

Unfortunately, Ellie was now out of a home. That was more so unfortunate for Marlene than her. She couldn’t care less about not having some shitty roof over her head. The only thing she could really truly say she cared about was gone.

 

Marlene had tried to shield her from the sight of the Riley shaped b0dy bag being wheeled out on a gurney, but she was unsuccessful. The image was enough to completely break her, and now she’d cried herself into dissociation. That was, after throwing up all there was in her stomach to throw up.

 

She was allowed to collect her things, but considering she couldn’t move, she had Marlene do it for her.

 

Now there she was, in the front seat of the jeep, still nauseous as she allowed the silence to take over her. She was owned by the in-betweens of the universe now. Not dead, but certainly not alive. Existing…

 

The driver side door slamming shut and the small weight shift of the vehicle pulled Ellie in enough for her to notice Marlene.

 

She looked pissed.

 

“Why am I sitting here right now?”

 

The words were almost slurred and jumbled by the blankeness that was an overlapping of every emotion she could possibly feel.

 

“What?”

 

The question was barked out, but followed by a tight grip on the steering wheel and an apologetic sigh.

 

“Why haven’t you transferred my case yet?”

 

That was the moment that Marlene finally turned to look at the girl. Her eye was still a sickening puffy black, her face with specks of blood, her knuckles and lip busted just the same, but the worst part was the look in her eyes. It was something adjacent to a baby deer staring down the barrel of a hunting rifle. An innocence that was being ripped from her but cruelly reminding her she was still a kid.

 

“Ellie… what happened here tonight, it… it wasn’t your fault, okay? I need you to know that.”

 

The anger had drained from the woman’s voice and was replaced with a sort of maternal sadness. Yet again, the world had failed this girl, and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

 

Her only real friend was dead because she froze, and she’d have to live with that for the rest of her life.

 

“Where am I going now?”

 

Marlene ran a stressed hand over her face and sighed.

 

“I got one possibility, but I need you to stay silent, not quiet, silent, and let me do the talking.”

 

There was no response. Not even a smartass comment to fill the void, just silence.

 

Marlene took that as her cue to start driving.

 

 

~

 

The only other person Joel could think of that would logically be at his door this late was Tommy. He didn’t know many other people, and the Adlers hardly ever asked for his help. If they did it was during the daylight hours. All that to say, he had no idea who this could be or what they could possibly want.

 

When he opened the door he was met with an answer that somehow made less sense than the question.

 

“Marlene?”

 

By that time, Tess had sort of materialized next to him and was watching the whole thing unfold.

 

“Good to see you too, Joel. Can I come in?”

 

There was a short moment of hesitation as his eyes shifted to the young girl behind her. He recognized her vaguely, but it was dark, and his eyesight wasn’t exactly what it used to be.

 

He didn’t spend too much time on it as he stepped aside to let them both in.

 

“She’s a little older than what you usually handle ain’t she?”

 

Joel knew briefly of what Marlene’s job was. When she and Tommy were close, she’d just gotten into the field, and she talked about working with young children. Somewhere between the ages of three and ten though he wasn’t sure the exact range. What he did know, was that this girl (despite looking closer to twelve than any teen years), was definitely not ten.

 

“She was a favor for a friend.”

 

Out of the corner of his eye he caught the scoff the girl let out in response to Marlene’s words. He made a quick note of it and went back to their conversation.

 

“Speaking of favors, you owe me.”

 

A laugh almost immediately escaped his lips, but there was nothing humorous about it.

 

“And what on God’s green earth makes you think I owe you a damn thing?”

 

Tess had been listening intently the whole time, her eyes lasered in as if she was watching subtitles of the conversation as it happened. She was calculating responses in case he needed her help.

 

“I got Tommy a job-”

 

She couldn’t even get through her whole point before the steam rising off of his boiling blood turned into words he couldn’t hold in.

 

“You sent him to an active warzone in Iraq, that’s not exactly a fucking nine to five.”

 

The air was humid with vitriol. Their unsaid words like land mines threatening to blow up in their faces if they didn’t step carefully.

 

“I gave him an out that he wanted and he took it, he’s grown ass man, Joel, he can make his own decisions. Regardless, he told me that I could count on you if I was ever in a pinch, don’t let him be wrong.”

 

He hated how right she was. No matter how bitter he was with Tommy for their last conversation or his departure, he was prone to making stupid decisions. If it wasn’t enlisting, it would’ve been something else and he’d still probably be standing right here in this situation.

 

“What do you need?”

 

Deep down he knew exactly what she was about to ask, and he knew what his first answer was going to be, he just didn’t know whether or not he’d have the strength to stand by the decision.

 

“I need you to take her.”

 

“Him?! Fuck that, Marlene-”

 

“He’s Tommy’s brother, he’ll look after you-”

 

“Fuck that! Don’t you remember Tommy being M-I-fucking-A he’s the reason I’m even in this mess right now! He’s the reason-”

 

“Ellie!”

 

That shut her up.

 

“There is no other choice here.”

 

Joel took a moment to process the interaction he’d just witnessed. Clearly the girl knew of Tommy somehow. She certainly wasn’t related to him in any way, she was much too old for that and he would’ve known about her by now. Not to mention, as far as he knew Tommy had been active duty for the last four years. If he was out it would’ve been recently that he got out, not enough time to stir anything up. He was missing something.

 

 

“How does she-?”

 

“She doesn’t. I called him first, he didn’t pick up. Listen, you’re capable. Please.”

 

“No.”

 

“She doesn’t have anywhere else to go!”

 

“Marlene, she is your problem! You know I’ve got Sarah, I cannot afford to-”

 

“Ellie?”

 

It must’ve been that his right ear was facing the staircase, but he hadn’t heard the small pitter patter of Sarah’s footsteps down the stairs. It wasn’t until he heard her voice that he realized she was there.

 

“Sarah, baby, go back to-”

 

“Oh my god, Ellie!”

 

The exclamation came out in a shriek of concern that he was taken aback by. She knew this girl?

 

That’s when it all came flooding back to him. The fight at school, the girl that had protected Sarah and the one she’d befriended. Her hair had been up both times he’d seen her, and she had less bruises and blood on her. That much he tried very hard not to think about.

 

His eyes stayed on Sarah as she stopped in front of the girl, who he had just picked up on as being named Ellie. Her arms reached out a bit and the other’s tough facade seemed to falter. She slouched in what looked like defeat and Sarah pulled her into a tight hug.

 

“It’s okay, you’re okay.”

 

Ellie squeezed her eyes shut, likely to prevent any treasonous tears from slipping out. It didn’t exactly work as she might’ve hoped.

 

“What happened? Wh- what are you doing here? Why are you all-?”

 

“She needs a place to stay.”

 

Fuck her. Fuck Marlene for using Sarah against him like that.

 

“Well she can stay here, right, Dad? We have a spare room, she’ll have a bed and food, she can stay here.”

 

It wasn’t until she turned her head in the hug just enough for him to see those eyes. The same ones she always gave him when his only options were either breaking her heart or saying yes to whatever stupid thing she needed him to say yes to.

 

“Sweetheart-”

 

“Dad, please!”

 

He felt his ribcage tighten around his lungs and suddenly his previous morality was choking him.

 

She couldn’t be his problem.

 

He couldn’t handle another responsibility; Sarah could never be anything other than his number one priority.

 

“ Please .”

 

And yet… if anyone could ever convince him to do anything, it was going to be her. Her pleading brown eyes, brimming with tears at the idea of this girl being left out in the cold, were ripping through him and forcing up a response he didn’t want to give.

 

“For how long?”

 

Marlene let out a breath of relief and took a moment to think.

 

“I don’t exactly know, there aren’t any open spots for her right now and after what happened tonight… things are going to need a minute to die down. Give it a few weeks or so and I’ll call you when I get something.”

 

A few weeks? A few weeks ?

 

“That’s not exactly a short stay.”

 

He silently thanked Tess for giving him a reprieve from the conversation that was already stirring up a migraine.

 

“Like I said earlier, he’s capable. All he has to do is feed her and keep her alive. As long as he keeps the receipts we’ll reimburse him for any money he spends on her. It won’t cost him anything.”

 

Tess looked like she was about to say something else, but at that point, he was just ready to get all of these people out of his house and go to sleep. He had work in the morning and Sarah had school.

 

“Drop the paperwork on the front porch tomorrow, I’ll get it done.”

 

Another sigh of relief from Marlene.

 

“Thank you.”

 

He gave a half grunt that might’ve meant you’re welcome and she returned it with a nod before turning to Ellie.

 

“Behave, alright? Don’t fuck this up, you do not get another shot at this.”

 

The girl could barely manage a nod as Sarah finally let her go and stepped back.

 

“I’ll have the paperwork for you tomorrow and I’ll call you when I have something.”

 

Another nod from Joel and she was out of the door.

 

What in the hell had he gotten himself into?

Notes:

This was a hard chapter to write, it hurt my soul, but alas, the plot must move forward. The next chapter has Joel and Ellie content though so… that a plus?

Chapter 11: You’ve Done This Before, Haven’t You?

Summary:

Sarah and Tess taking care of Ellie, also known as Tess being the boss.

She didn’t remember her head aching before as much as it was in that moment. It was probably a combination of her intoxication wearing off, and the fact that she was now under a roof that she felt mildly safe in.

 

Mildly.

 

The whole thing was still swirling around in her head. Everything that had happened in the last few hours film reeling through her head.

 

The crack.

 

Begging for Riley to wake up.

 

Her fight (though it wasn’t much of a fight) with the attacker.

 

The searing in her arm.

 

Marlene’s disappointment.

 

Her surprise at seeing Sarah.

 

Putting together that Tommy and Sarah were related.

 

Sarah.

 

They hadn’t ended their last conversation on great terms and she wasn’t so sure she’d be speaking to her in the near future, but then she was met with a hug and everything turned upside down.

 

“Jesus, kid, sit down, let me look at you.”

 

There was a sort of emotional whiplash that she got hearing some semblance of worry in this new voice. It pulled her out of her thoughts and still worsened the ache to hear.

 

Ellie didn’t have to follow the orders because Sarah carefully ushered her over to the dining table, pulling out a chair and helping her to sit down.

 

The woman who’d given the order, crouched down in front of the chair and reached for Ellie’s hands.

 

At first, she pulled them away with a snarl, but Sarah put a stop to the resistance.

 

“Hey, it’s okay. This is Tess. She my-”

 

She paused. Even in the thick of this heavy situation, there was something there she had to step over.

 

“-dad’s girlfriend. She’s a lawyer, she just wants to help.”

 

Lawyer definitely did not ease her mind. The last thing she needed was a lawyer assesing her very illegal condition, but to some degree she trusted that Sarah wouldn’t intentionally do anything to screw her over. That, and the fact that this woman didn’t exactly scream protecter of the law. She seemed to be a very neutral person, and that persuaded her to offer up her hands for inspection.

 

Ellie watched as Tess’s eyes scanned over her bloodied knuckles. Some of it was hers, some of it was the boy’s. They were pretty busted up though.

 

“You’ve gotta get these cleaned up sometime soon. I don’t want you getting sick.”

 

She said it so casually. Why should Ellie care what she wanted? She’d just gotten here, these people were not entitled to ask for anything from her yet.

 

But then Tess’s hand moved up to her forarm and she hissed in pain, pulling her arm back.

 

Tess, Sarah, and Joel (who was still standing with his arms crossed and scowling), all exchanged a confused glance.

 

It wasn’t until Tess carefully rolled up Ellie’s shirt sleeve, which she was unaware of being soaked completely in a sickening maroon, that the source of her pain was revealed.

 

When the barrier between the air and the wound was removed, blood began to seep out of her and crawl down her arm in a thick and uncomfortable drizzle.

 

Sarah brought a hand to her mouth like she was grabbing onto the sick before it could exit her mouth.

 

“Jesus-”

 

It was the first Joel had spoken since Marlene walked out of the door.

 

“I’m fine, it’s not even-”

 

Despite the immediate response, Ellie wasn’t aware of the severity of her injury. Not until she looked down to actually see it for the first time.

 

A bite mark.

 

Or rather, a bite shaped chunk missing from her forarm.

 

It was jagged and bruised around it, the skin angry and inflamed. She wasn’t normally queazy, but she knew this was going to leave a scar, and one attached to the memory of that night. It was as if the kid had made sure he’d never be able to forget what he’d done.

 

She wished she would’ve finished the job while she could’ve.

 

“Start the car.”

 

Tess’s voice pulled her back to the present just in time for her to see Joel finally uncross his arms and scoff.

 

“Tess, do you have any idea what we’re gonna have to explain when we get to an ER and they want to know what happened to her?”

 

“Do you have any idea what you’re going to have to explain when she dies of infection because you decided to throw a temper tantrum? She’s a kid, Joel, and she’s your responsibility for the next few weeks so get your shit, get the keys, and get in the truck.”

 

Yet another tick on the list of things she needed to process from that night. Tess’s willingness to help her, even when it wasn’t her who’d agreed to keep her. She wondered where it came from, but in some form or fashion she was grateful to have it.

 

Joel let out a low grumble and finally moved to the key shelf next to the front door.

 

“Ellie, right?”

 

She nodded, watching as Sarah finally stepped forward a bit, trying her best not to look at Ellie’s mangled arm.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Alright, I’m Tess. I guess you already know Sarah. We’re gonna take you to get that stitched up and then we’ll get you back home and figure out what to do about all of this, okay?”

 

The words were something you’d say to a toddler. Some bit of reassurance that was supposed to make her feel safe. It was working in a way she resented somewhat.

 

“Okay.”

 

~

 

Joel had a lot of decisions he regretted in life. He tended to be pretty rash, as much as he didn’t want to admit it. But this? This was at the top of his list.

 

He hated himself for letting Sarah talk him into this, and he hated Marlene even more for ever even showing up at his doorstep. It was all this hurricane of bullshit he didn’t have the time or energy to deal with.

 

All he wanted was to be at home in his bed asleep.

 

“So… you and Tess, you guys seem to know your way around this place.”

 

He was pulled out of his own thoughts by the voice. The girl. Ellie.

 

Tess had taken Sarah to the vending machine some minutes ago. The both of them were either hungry or thirsty and Tess had some dollar bills she needed to get rid of anyways. That left Joel to sit with Ellie, which he’d been entirely against. Mostly because he knew it meant conversation and he was not in the mood.

 

“Yep.”

 

She seemed to store his response in her brain and used it like a formula to calculate her following questions.

 

“I’m guessing you’re here pretty often then.”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Ever been for getting the shit bitten out of you?”

 

He let out a tired sigh and shifted in the chair a bit. Those things would always be one of the most uncomfortable places he’d ever had to sit.

 

“Nope, that’s a first.”

 

She didn’t have any questions after that and he was thankful. That was until the stale emergency room ambiance threatened to dredge up anxiety that was reserved for Sarah.

 

“What’s the deal with you and Marlene anyways? I’m sure she’s had difficult cases before, she’s never shown up at my doorstep ‘cause of it.”

 

The girl scoffed like it was some humorous question and finally turned to look at him. As she did, the smartass comment seemed to fly straight out of her mind and her eyes dropped into what looked like seriousness. She must’ve understood that he wasn’t in the mood for cryptics.

 

“I don’t know, I’m just… different, I guess. She’s… my friend. I don’t know.”

 

She said friend like it was a question she was unsure of. That much intrigued him.

 

“Your friend, huh? What are you, like, twelve?”

 

The guess was entirely incorrect. He knew that because the triage nurse had asked for her birthdate and though he couldn’t remember it exactly, he knew she was not twelve. That and the fact that she went to school with Sarah.

 

Ellie shot him a glare and attempted to cross her arms, but was stopped at the pain of moving her now freshly stitched and bandaged one.

 

“Shit-”

 

She drew a frustrated breath and threw her head back into the pillow before turning her eyes to the ceiling.

 

“She knew my mom. Promised her she’d take care of me, and I’m fourteen. Not that that has anything to do with… anything.”

 

Well, if that was Marlene’s mission she was doing a bang up job. Crossing his ankles and arms alike, Joel leaned back into the chair and kept his eyes on her.

 

“Alright, so where are your parents?”

 

The response was immediate and venomous.

 

“Gee, you must’ve missed them in the fucking meet and greet earlier. You think I’d be here if I had any?”

 

She did make a fair point. It was probably a dumb question to ask. He could never be so sure though, Tess had told him about plenty of cases she worked where the parents were still around they just weren’t capable of being parents.

 

“Right, so instead of just staying out of trouble, you decide to just run off and throw punches when you get bored, is that it?”

 

Her eyes turned to him on that.

 

“First off, you don’t know the first thing about me. At the school, with Sarah? I clocked that kid because if I didn’t you would’ve been at that school for a whole different reason and I promise you, you’d rather be there for an almost fight than what that kid would’ve done to her.”

 

Her words sent an uncomfortable rattle down his spine that branched out to every nerve in his body. There was this certainty to it and he didn’t want to know why or how she knew. In fact, he’d rather move on entirely.

 

“They don’t pay enough attention in those halls to stop that shit from happening, and what happened tonight was none of your goddamn business so how about we just keep our shit to ourselves?”

 

Despite the fact that everything that happened with her was now entirely his business, he wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of an argument.

 

“You wanna know the best thing about this arrangement?” he paused to give the effect of a question, but not long enough for her to answer.

 

“I don’t gotta know what happened before. To be honest? I couldn’t give two shits what you did before you got here, just keep it together until Marlene picks you back up and then you can do fuckall far as I’m concerned.”

 

“Good.”

 

“Great.”

 

He rose to his feet on that beat and made his way to the light panel on the wall. With a quick swipe, the lights in the room were out and he moved back over to his seat. Plopping down with a sigh he lifted his feet to the side of the bed and leaned back to get as comfortable as he could.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

He didn’t bother looking over at her as his eyes fluttered shut.

 

“Killing time. Sarah and Tess will be back in a few minutes.”

 

He obviously couldn’t see her response to that, but he was sure it was some look of shock.

 

“Well, what am I supposed to do?”

 

“I am sure you will figure that out.”

 

She didn’t seem to have a retort to that, at least not an immediate one, which allowed him to inch closer to a much-needed nap.

 

“Your watch is broken.”

 

Maybe not.

 

It was another comment he couldn’t give the time of day, but it made his stomach churn. He hated to remember that fact, but he couldn’t bring himself to ever take it off.

 

It was a reminder.

 

A reminder of how colossally he’d fucked up as a father, and his promise to never let it happen again.

 

~

 

The eerie, freezing cold lapping of the water over his feet alerted him before his eyes did that he was back in that void. The one that he always recognized, but could never remember when he woke up.

 

Some purgatory that refused to be real.

 

One that drove him more and more crazy by the day.

 

“Sarah?”

 

He called, knowing he’d find her there.

 

There was no answer.

 

“Sarah? Baby?”

 

Nothing.

 

That was when he started to move. It was slow at first, but then the dripping sound forced him to quicken his pace.

 

It wasn’t coming from anywhere, but from everywhere, so it seemed.

 

“Sarah?!”

 

“Dad?!”

 

The dripping turned to a rush.

 

“Sarah?!”

 

“Dad?!”

 

Soon enough it was like an explosion. The water came crashing in on all sides of him, he didn’t even have time to take a breath before he was engulfed in the nothingness.

 

The ice water slammed into his eardrums with sirens and vague voices and her screams and music and as soon as he took in a big breath of it his eyes flew open. It took him a moment to realize where he was, and that he wasn’t still dreaming.

 

The emergency room. He was with the kid. The one he’d agreed to look after for a few weeks. Sarah and Tess were getting some snacks.

 

“You mumble in your sleep.”

 

Yep. She was still there.

 

Joel leaned forward and pulled his feet from the side of the bed, resting his elbows on his knees and burying his face in his hands in exhaustion.

 

“I hate nightmares.”

 

That, he could agree with.

 

“Yeah, me too.”

 

The words were muttered, but loud enough for her to deduce it was okay to continue speaking.

 

“You know… for an emergency room, these fuckers sure are taking their sweet time.”

 

He let out a small chuckle at that.

 

“Yeah… that’s usually how it goes.”

 

She shrugged, which he was able to see due to the light of the television now illuminating the room. She must’ve turned it on while he was sleeping.

 

“At least there’s tv.”

 

“As opposed to anywhere else?”

 

“As opposed to literally everywhere else.”

 

That caught his attention. Tv? Something as simple as that? Jesus, where had this kid been?

 

“Where on Earth has Marlene got you staying?”

 

She didn’t have time to answer as Sarah and Tess stepped back into the room.

 

“Sorry we took so long, the machines on this floor were down so we had to go back downstairs to get anything.”

 

“It’s fine, how’s your stomach doing? You eating okay?”

 

He asked the question while Sarah was munching on a small bag of cheese balls.

 

“Trust, I am eating just fine.”

 

A smile threatened to tug at his lips at that and Ellie seemed to take note of how easy it was for Sarah to pull that out of him, even in times like these.

 

“Good.”

 

There wasn’t much more room for conversation as the doctor eventually stepped in.

 

Sarah and Tess made way for him as he sanitized his hands and sat down on the little rolly stool next to the sink.

 

“Alright, we’re gonna give you a short supply of some extra strength tylenol to take home for that bite. Make sure you keep it dry and clean, human bites tend to have a very high risk for infection, especially in the arms and legs. Dad, make sure to look after it.”

 

“He’s not my dad.”

 

Joel shot her a glare at the fact that that seemed to be her only takeaway from the whole thing.

 

“Right, well, just make sure you keep it clean and you should be fine in a few weeks.”

 

He gave a nod of acknowledgement which the doctor returned before stepping out of the room. Once he was gone, Joel stood up and wiped a tired hand over his face.

 

“Tess.”

 

She looked up at him with a quirked brow and he nodded to the door.

 

“Wait, where are you going?”

 

He sighed.

 

“For a walk, I’ll be back, Sarah will stay with you.”

 

Joel didn’t wait for a response as he and Tess walked out into the hallway. Once they were out of earshot she let out a small chuckle and shook her head.

 

“Well, this is reminiscent.”

 

In any other situation he might’ve found that humorous. She was right, this was eerily similar to the first time they’d spoken. It felt like so long ago now.

 

“Don’t you find it a bit strange that I was Marlene’s only other option? I mean… Boston is a hell of a lot of surface area; I find it hard to believe there was nowhere else.”

 

Tess shrugged.

 

“She made it pretty clear she didn’t have any other choice. I mean… she said she called Tommy, you weren’t her first choice, and probably not her second for that matter. The kid deserves at least a roof over her head. Just keep her fed and alive and I’m sure she’ll be just fine. Besides-” she paused for a moment, leaning to peer through the small space between the glass wall and the curtain that allowed her to see Sarah smiling brightly in Ellie’s direction. “-Sarah’s enjoying the company.”

 

He had no doubt Sarah was going to love all of this, but it wasn’t practical. This was something temporary that he had to take care not to fall into. This girl needed to leave as soon as it was possible for her to. No matter how well Sarah was doing right now, it was never promised that it would stay that way, and she needed his undivided attention. It wouldn’t be fair to her or the kid if he had to divvy up his time like that. It just wasn’t realistic.

 

“Yeah.”

Notes:

Lowkey I want to write another foster fic like this but it’s in the style of the 2014 Annie because I think it would be cute and I love NYC. ANYWAYS I hope you guys liked this chapter? I’m looking forward to the cuteness of the next few. Joel being a dad always warms my heart.

Chapter 12: All The Violence of The Dog Days

Summary:

Joel wondering why he said yes to any of this.

They’d gotten discharged from the emergency room around six-thirty that morning. Considering that was around the time Joel got up to get ready everyday anyways, he’d already decided upon texting his boss and telling him he would not be in for work that day.

 

It had taken him a long time not to feel guilty for asking for days off. Before they moved to Boston, he’d been kicked off projects because he missed so much time with Sarah when she was sick. He was lucky enough now to have a boss as lenient as his.

 

Given all of that, he’d be spending the day in his bed. After gaining the responsibility of another mouth to feed and the wonderful start of her ending up in the ER on her first night with him (even if it hadn’t happened under his roof), he needed a drink and a full day of sleep.

 

“Ellie… what… what happened to you?”

 

The voice was so small he could barely hear it over his deafness and the jingling of the keys in the front door lock. Despite that, he could tell right away that it was Sarah.

 

There was a moment of hesitation in the answer, and though he’d never admit it, he found himself purposely slowing his hands as he continued to unlock the door.

 

“...I got in a fight.”

 

Sarah huffed a bit at that.

 

“Well obviously, but what happened ?”

 

There was no response, and oddly enough Joel felt this unexplained emptiness. It was like he was banking on the answer. Upon reminding himself he didn’t care, he twisted the knob and pushed the door open.

 

“Sarah, baby, why don’t you show her to the guest room? The bed’s all made up, we’ll get her stuff moved in later,” he said, assuming she had anything to move in.

 

“Yes sir,” Sarah replied politely, whisking a somewhat delirious Ellie upstairs to get some rest.

Joel tossed his keys onto the key holder and moved over to the couch, flopping down and leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

 

“You alright there, Texas?” Tess asked, folding her arms over her abdomen and looking at him with a raised brow.

 

“Peachy,” Joel replied with a huff, leaning back onto the couch.

 

Tess could almost chuckle at the response, but she didn’t. She’d known him long enough to know when humor wasn’t the answer to what was plaguing him.

 

“You’re doing the right thing.”

 

Joel scoffed and gave a nod which certainly did not agree with her statement.

 

“I’m just waiting for the phone call.”

 

At that point, Tess had abandoned trying to console him. Sometimes Joel needed his room to be a big baby about things without being patronized. 

“Well alright then, I’m going to take a shower,” she started, turning towards the stairs.

 

“I thought you had to work today,” Joel replied, sitting up again and looking at her for an explanation.

 

“I did, but it was going to be a slow day anyway. I’ll call out.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Tess stopped in the middle of the stairs and turned back to him with this look, like she couldn’t believe how unbelievably imperceptive he was.

 

“So…”

 

“So?”

 

“So, I’m going to take a shower.”

 

“Yeah, you said that.”

 

“And you’re gonna join me.”

 

Though he would never admit it, Joel’s cheeks flushed red at the statement and he cleared his throat with a firm nod.

 

“Yes ma’am,” he said, getting up off the couch and starting for the stairs.

 

~

 

If it hadn’t been for the usual dreams interrupting his sleep,  Joel would’ve made good on his promise to sleep all day. Nevertheless, he’d woken up in a cold sweat. He was unable to remember anything he’d seen or heard, but that familiar chilling feeling of loss lingered on his chest like the elephant in the room he’d never be able to address.

 

Running a hand through his hair, he took a deep breath and looked around his room. Partially to ground himself and partially to look for Tess. To his surprise, she wasn’t there. Her side of the bed had been curled into a mess of sheets and blankets thrown about the way they usually were when she got up. She had this thing about stretching every time she got in and out of bed. She had a specific ritual and it was this dichotomy of meticulous scheduling and the chaotic execution of all of those menial tasks. For some reason, he found comfort in this. It was something he knew he could count on when everything else was fucked. Right then? He needed that.

 

So, swinging his feet over the side of the bed, Joel sat up and stretched a bit, letting all of his joints crackle and pop the way they did every time he got up. Once he was loosened up, he stood up and started his walk downstairs. He didn’t bother changing out of the blue plaid pajama pants he was wearing or the grey t-shirt he’d thrown on earlier that morning. He was still much too tired to care about how presentable he looked. 

 

“So just how much trouble are you in?”

 

The words were the second thing that caught his attention. The first was the smell of fresh breakfast foods of all sorts. Bacon, sausage, pancakes, eggs, all of the above. His first thought was that Sarah had gotten up to make breakfast the way she usually did when she could handle eating, but upon taking his last step down the stairs and shuffling into the kitchen, he was taken aback to see Tess at the stove cooking up a storm. Sarah was slicing up some fruit and the kid, Ellie, was sat atop the counter next to Tess.

 

“Other than being kicked out of that roach-infested cesspool, none.”

 

He couldn’t see her face, but given the silence, Tess seemed to be considering what the other had said.

 

“Right, but that doesn’t explain why you’re here.”

 

Ellie kept her eyes on her feet as she dangled them over the counter like a toddler whose feet couldn't touch the ground in a chair.

 

“Marlene told you, all of the other group homes were full and-”

 

“Ellie, do you know what kind of lawyer I am?”

 

The girl looked perplexed by the question, even a bit guarded.

 

“Family law. I work with kids just like you every day which means I know pretty damn well how the system works. Boston is a huge city, and yes group homes are overcrowded, but there is no way in hell every single one of them is so backed up there isn’t room for you. If Marlene couldn’t get you in some place it means something bad enough happened that they wouldn’t take you in. You don’t have to tell me exactly what happened, but I need to know that you aren’t in any danger and that there’s no risk to anyone here.”

 

Ellie seemed to appreciate the honesty because she folded her arms into her chest in some sort of protective motion and began to recall the events.

 

“I snuck out.”

 

“You… snuck out?”

 

Sarah shifted in a way that meant she was listening, but she didn’t speak up.

 

“Yeah, you know, to get some fresh air. It smelled like rotting flesh in there, sometimes I needed to get out.”

 

“I can imagine. Those places are overcrowded as it is, they do the bare minimum to pass basic inspection. It’s not exactly meant to be a vacation home,” Tess said truthfully, flipping what seemed to be the last pancake of the batch and waiting for the other side to cook.

 

“Yeah… well anyways, when I went back inside these boys were waiting up for me. Real dickbags, they never left me alone the whole time I was there. I assume you know how that goes.”

 

Tess considered that for a moment before finally putting the last pancake on the plate and turning the stove off.

 

“How did they even get in there? There’s supposed to be someone on the night shift making sure things like that don’t happen.”

 

The tone in her voice was somewhere between shock and disgust, maybe a tang of anger on the backend. These kinds of things always seemed to get to her. Maybe because of her line of work, because of Max, either way, her reaction didn’t surprise him.

 

“I thought you worked in family law,” Ellie said, her eyes locking with Tess’s as if to say she should know better than anyone.

What is supposed to happen is very rarely what actually does happen.

 

“So you beat the shit out of him and they blacklisted you for the time being?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

There was another moment of consideration on Tess’s part and Sarah seemed to be going through a range of emotions. It seemed that this girl meant a lot to her already. Regrettably, he hadn’t heard much from her about her friendship with Ellie, but he was wishing now that he had. He didn’t like being on the outside of things.

 

“Alright then. So there’s not going to be anyone coming after you?”

 

“No.”

 

“And you have no intention of causing any unnecessary trouble here?”

 

“If I didn’t have to be here I wouldn’t be, but I do. It’s better than there. I trust Sarah, I wouldn’t do anything to put her in danger.”

 

Joel caught the side of Sarah’s expression as it softened. Something of thankfulness. It didn’t do anything to ease his nerves.

 

“What about that fight at school?”

 

“I already explained that to Joel.”

 

“You didn’t explain it to me, so explain it.”

 

Tess’s words were quick and dry. She wasn’t unkind, but rather getting straight to the point. She meant business when it came to Sarah, but she also did her best to give the kids she worked with the benefit of the doubt. Despite Ellie not being a case of hers, she was there to make sure Joel didn’t lose his mind trying to take care of the whole thing on his own. He was thankful for that.

 

“Same thing, these guys cornered Sarah. I didn’t want her to get hurt.”

 

There was a moment of silence and Joel thought to himself. Something about that statement didn’t make sense. She said it was the same situation as the group home, but she was supposedly defending herself. At the school, she was defending Sarah. She was feisty, but she hardly seemed like the type to fight unnecessarily, despite his prior reservations about her. A detail was missing. Who else had been with her at the home? Who was she defending?

 

“You sure seem to enjoy pummeling people,” Tess challenged.

 

“People sure seem to enjoy fucking around and finding out.”

 

Tess let out a short laugh at that, breaking the seriousness a bit.

 

“They do…” she paused and searched her mind momentarily for what she wanted to say.

 

“Listen, if you’re going to be here, you need to promise me that you’re going to be on your very best behavior. I’m not asking you to sit still and look pretty, be yourself, but don’t make Joel’s life harder than it has to be,” she starts, “you and Sarah are friends right?”

 

Ellie looked like she had to weigh the pros and cons of the title friend, but it didn’t take her long to nod in agreement, which put a small smile on Sarah’s face.

 

“So you know that she’s sick and that she’s not going to get better.”

 

There was a small, almost microscopic scrunch of Ellie’s nose as the word sick lingered in the air like a curse. 

 

“I know that.”

 

“Okay. So he can’t focus on her if he’s worried about you. If you need something ask, but don’t be in the office every day. Okay? You have to find balance. I know that the world is not made for kids like you, but you have Sarah. I will give you my number if you need it. I’m just asking you to try. Promise me you’ll try?”

 

Ellie seemed partially confused by this statement. There was a level of genuine care in the way Tess spoke that looked to be unfamiliar to her. Joel couldn’t decide whether he cared or not. Or at least to what extent.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay what?”

 

“I promise.”

 

“Good. Grab a plate.”

The kid wasted no time hopping down off of the counter, grabbing a plate, and assembling it with piles of food too big for even him to finish. He silently wondered how long it had been since she ate. He hadn’t looked at her long enough to tell how thin and frail she was. It was so dark the night before, even in the ER, and his eyes weren’t exactly what they used to be. But now she looked a certain kind of helpless even under all of that bitterness and the scabs over her knuckles. Suddenly all of the anger made sense.

 

“Your coffee is ready, I already poured you a cup,” Tess called, pulling him out of his thoughts.

 

He gave a silent nod and walked over to the side of the counter his red ceramic mug sat atop of.

 

“How’re you feeling this morning?” he asked, looking over at Sarah, who was scooping a small amount of fruit onto her plate already.

 

“I’m okay I guess. Stomach hurts a little, but I’m going to try to eat some. I’m hungry, I think.”

 

There was a small alert bell that went off in his mind, even with something as simple as a morning belly ache.

 

“Just don’t overdo it, alright? You know the drill.”

 

She gave a soft nod and continued making her rounds. He almost asked Ellie how her arm was, but he wasn’t sure he was ready for the inevitable smart-ass comment that would follow. It was still too early to deal with, so he’d let a few hours pass before he mustered up the courage to do so.

 

When Sarah and Ellie took their food into the living room to sit on the couch and watch whatever Sarah would likely get her into, Tess stuck around. That was the first red flag.

 

“She needs new clothes. That’s the only pair she has, and she hasn’t even showered yet. She’s still got dried blood all over her, Joel. We can’t just let her sit like this.”

 

Joel huffed and pinched the bridge of his nose in exhaustion.

 

“Give me a chance to wake up, Tess, I haven’t even taken a sip of my coffee yet-”

 

“So drink faster,” she interrupted.

 

That caused him to raise a brow. Ever since their moment at the table last night, she’d seemed to be invested in this whole arrangement on a level he couldn’t quite understand.

 

“What’s this about?”

 

Tess took a step back in question, crossing her arms the same way Ellie had earlier. It was something she rarely did. Tess never second-guessed any decision she made. She was about as confident as they came, and her body language was always reflective of that.

 

“Take her to Bill’s today, get her some clothes, set up the guest room.”

 

“Tess-”

 

“Joel!”

 

His eyes widened a bit as she raised her voice, and he caught Sarah and Ellie’s heads turning from their places on the couch out of his peripheral. 

 

“Okay.”

 

At that, Tess fixed her plate in silence, and he drank his coffee just the same. More and more he was beginning to think that he’d bitten off way more than he could chew.

Notes:

I am SO sorry for the long wait. It has been a crazy couple of months. This chapter is not my best work, but trust next chapter will definitely pick back up! Thanks for reading!

Chapter 13: Home Sweet Home (Or Something Like That)

Summary:

Tess being the mom Ellie deserves, Sarah happily accepting a sister, and everyone adjusting to the change except for Joel.

The rest of that day had gone very differently than Joel had expected it to. Tess never got rid of the edge she had at breakfast. She kept a watchful eye on Sarah and Ellie the rest of that day, even taking them on an impromptu Walmart trip, funded by herself, for snacks that Ellie liked and some other essentials she may have needed. 

 

They’d come back with a whole bunch of groceries, and it wasn’t so much that he was complaining, but more so that he was still wondering what had set Tess off and why she was so adamant about Joel adapting to this change.

 

Regardless of her reasons, he respected her. He cared about her, and if she wanted him to do this he would. That being said, while they were out he called Frank and made plans to visit the farm that weekend. Tess would get Ellie a couple outfits for the week from the store and that would tie her over until then. Besides, Sarah had been wanting to pick strawberries with Frank anyways. It was a win-win scenario as far as he was concerned. As long as you didn’t count Bill’s imminent rant about how the government were all evil overlords revoking human rights by the day. He was paranoid to say the least.

 

After his phone call, Joel got started on the bedroom. He did a quick vacuum and washed all of the bedding. He’d even wiped down the dresser and the mirror that sat atop it. It wasn’t the most glamorous place to stay, but it was better than no room at all. He had a feeling, however, that Ellie and Sarah would find their way to the couch or each other’s rooms more often than Ellie would be staying in the guest room.

 

By the time he’d completed his chores, the door was opening and he could already hear the laughter and rustling of plastic grocery bags. 

 

“Okay, okay, why is Vin Diesel always hungry?”

 

Another of Sarah’s dad jokes that he’d been forced to endure for years. Usually he rated them somewhere between two and three unless they were astoundingly horrible. Despite his usual head shake and remark about where she came up with these things, they elicited a laugh from him every now and again.

 

“I don’t know, why?”

 

Ellie’s response was eager and he deduced they must’ve been going back and forth like this for a while.

 

“Because he needs to make room for break-fast and break-furious,” Sarah said, barely able to hold in her laughter long enough to finish her own joke.

 

Joel caught himself snickering a little. It wasn’t four by any means, but it was creative. He could give it a solid three.

 

“I don’t get it,” Ellie said, and he could hear the genuine confusion in her voice.

 

“Like, Fast and Furious? The movie?” Sarah tried, attempting to jog what seemed like a non-existent memory.

 

“Never seen it.”

 

There was a sort of nonchalance in her voice and he didn’t have to be able to see Sarah to know the look of shock on her face that accompanied her next words.

 

“You’ve never seen Fast and Furious? Do you live under a rock?”

 

“With the worms and maggots,” Ellie concurred.

 

In that moment he remembered what she’d said in the hospital about rarely having access to television in any of the hole in the wall places she was thrown into. Before he could allow himself to pity her, Tess was calling him down to help put away groceries.

 

Upon hearing her voice he sighed and straightened his back a bit before dragging himself down the stairs and into the kitchen. He was supposed to be sleeping right now. 

 

“Put away the cold stuff please,” she said, not even turning to look at him as his feet hit the cold vinyl flooring.

 

“Cold stuff? Jesus, Tess, did you buy the whole damn store? You got room temperature stuff too?” he asked, though he didn’t waste a moment beginning to do as he was asked.

 

“Did you pay for it?” 

 

As he stuffed the gallon of milk she’d bought into the fridge he sighed a bit in response to her question.

 

“No I did not…”

 

“Alright then,” she concluded, balling up one of the plastic bags and tossing it to Ellie.

 

“Put all the bags under the sink. There’s a paper one under there where Joel keeps all of the grocery bags. We use them for the bathroom trash cans and disposing stuff,” Tess explained.

 

Ellie’s brows pinched together in a sort of bewildered expression.

 

“Disposing of stuff? What kind of stuff?”

 

As Joel closed the fridge and turned to grab the bags with the frozen things, he noticed the flush of red on Sarah’s cheeks and the way her eyes fell to the stray cuticles on her nails, which she promptly began to pick at.

 

The truth was that the stuff in question was Sarah’s medical supplies. Nasal tubes, gause, medical tape, all of the bio-hazardous things that couldn’t be disposed of regularly with everything else. Obviously, Ellie knew the basics of Sarah’s condition but from her reaction, he could tell the extent of what she knew wasn’t much.

 

“Bombs,” Joel replied, deadpan as he put away a box of loaded potato skins.

 

“Plutonium,” Tess added on, matching Joel’s tone.

 

That brought a smile to Sarah’s face and even dredged up a small giggle. Joel had to do his very best to keep his own smile from clawing its way onto his face.

 

“Dope,” Ellie replied, moving over to the cabinet under the sink and doing as she was told.

 

Joel found that this would be a good moment to explain their weekend plans to Ellie and let Tess know that he hadn’t ignored her instructions.

 

“The guest room is all made up,” he started, closing the freezer and standing up to face Ellie directly.

 

“We’re gonna go to a buddy of mine’s house this weekend. He’s got some clothes for you-”

 

Before he could say anything else Sarah interjected with wide eyes.

 

“Bill and Frank’s?” she asked excitedly.

 

“Yeah,” he agreed.

 

Tess finished up putting away the last of the things and then turned around to join in on the conversation.

 

“When I went over the other day, Frank said the strawberries were ready to be picked.”

 

That only seemed to add to Sarah’s excitement which caused Ellie’s face to contort into its signature puzzled expression.

 

“Is that code for something?” she asked, a hint of anxiety under her unseriousness.

 

“No,” Joel interjected, an eye roll accompanying his word.

 

“It sounds like code for something,” she persisted.

 

Tess chuckled in amusement and crossed her arms over her chest.

 

“Frank is Bill’s husband. Bill is sort of the handyman and Frank has a green thumb like nobody’s business. Sarah likes to go pick strawberries with him,” she explained.

 

“Ah,” Ellie replied, giving a nod and unintentionally mirroring Tess’s former behavior. 

 

“They’re really good,” Sarah added.

 

Ellie gave another nod and the room went silent. The four just sort of stood there, frozen in their personalities. Joel was leaned back against the fridge, his arms in the same defensive position across his chest that Ellie’s were. Tess was near the stove, stray strands of her heat damaged hair flicking out from under her signature blue bandana and the faint smell of tobacco still lingered on her casual cotton button down shirt. Ellie stood just the same, only nearer to the sink which was to the right of Tess. She had on the same black long sleeve shirt and red tee combo from the night before, which was crusty with blood, and the same pair of gross looking jeans that definitely needed to be switched out. Then there was Sarah, just like always, she was the only one that wasn’t outwardly guarded. Her hands rested in her pockets and she seemed comfortable with the silence, like the unsaid words didn’t bother her. It was the perfect example of her free spirit.

 

“Why don’t you help Ellie get all her stuff up to the bathroom. After she showers and changes her clothes, you can help her fold up the couple of new ones from today,” Joel suggested.

 

Sarah nodded with a quick smile and looked over to Ellie to see if she had any objections. Surprisingly, she just took the few personal bags left and scurried up the stairs, soon to be followed by Sarah.

 

“Make sure to wash your arm, Ellie!” Tess called, wanting to make sure the wound didn’t get infected.

 

There was no answer, but the walls were thin enough that Tess was sure she’d heard. If she hadn’t Sarah would certainly remind her.

 

When both of the kids were gone, Tess stayed still for a moment, her eyes lingering on the stairs and her face frozen between a smile and some look of mortal despair.

 

“Is Tess Servopulos in the room with us?” Joel asked, looking over at her with a brow raised.

 

For a moment, she stayed quiet, her eyes still staring a hole into the floor.

 

“Marlene called me this morning,” she finally said.

 

Marlene? Why was she calling Tess? Wasn’t he the one taking care of the kid?

 

“Why’s she calling you?”

 

“Because you wouldn’t answer your phone,” she bit, finally turning to look at him.

 

Joel always kept his ringer on, especially when Sarah wasn’t within his line of sight. He needed to be able to be notified if anything ever went wrong with her, there just couldn’t be any chances taken with that kind of stuff. However, he’d already not been in the best mood that morning and by the fifth spam call, he turned his ringer off to get some peace and quiet. Marlene just picked the wrong time to call.

 

“What did she say? She find a placement?” he asked, almost eagerly.

 

That didn’t seem to make her feel any better, in fact she just gave him this bewildered look the way she did when he really fucked up.

 

“She was calling to check on her. I told her about the hospital. She said she’d keep looking, but she’s not sending her back to some half-assed place that shoves her in a basement and uses her as a house maid. She doesn’t deserve that.”

 

As usual, as soon as the words turned unfavorable, Joel tuned out the whole rest of her rant and huffed with an eye roll.

 

“Nobody does, but that cannot be my problem fore-”

 

Before he could even finish his sentence she scoffed and took a step back.

 

“You don’t get it, do you?”

 

Joel sighed tired and ran a hand over his face.

 

“Don’t get what, Tess? That I’m her only hope? Her last ditch effort? I don’t know her!”

 

“It doesn’t fucking matter what you know, Joel! You decided to take her in. You didn’t put an expiration date on this and that sure as fuck is your problem, so you keep her fed, you make sure she has clothes, and you treat her like a human being and not some stray cat, alright?”

 

There it was again, that sort of blind anger she’d been thrown into earlier that morning. He didn’t have any luck getting through to her at the time, but that was then. This was now.

 

“Why is this so close to you?”

 

The way her head tilted and she closed her eyes, he knew he’d already hit a nerve before he really began. He didn’t want to make it any worse, so he corrected himself.

 

“Look, I’m not trying to find a loophole. You’re right. For better or worse, the kid is my responsibility until she goes somewhere else. However long that’s for, I need to start acting like it’s true. Regardless, I need to know why this is so close to you. You rarely get a case that gets to you so what is it about her?”

 

Part of him wondered if it was about the kid he’d talked to her about last night, and in turn, if it was about Max. That made the most sense, but he wouldn’t dare bring that up. 

 

“I know what it’s like in her shoes. She deserves to feel like there’s someone in the world who gives a shit about her,” she said quietly.

 

That cut deep. The look in her eyes was raw and real unlike anything he’d seen in a long time. It was a certain exhaustion that came with fighting the world with your bare hands every day for as long as she had. Joel wasn’t an affectionate guy, but if he was? He would’ve wrapped her in a hug right about then. He wanted to, but he wouldn’t.

 

He understood where she was coming from, and if he were honest that was the moment that solidified his promise to take care of the kid. He knew that her lack of any sort of guidance or care was a problem, he just hated that it was his.

 

~~~

 

Ellie could count on one hand the amount of times she’d been in the shower long enough to wash her hair, and she’d never been able to use anything that costed more than five dollars total. Her hair was probably chemically fried and the amount of stress she’d been under her whole life was not helping it grow healthily.

 

That all being said, she’d been thrown for a loop when Sarah began to give her the rundown on the correct products she needed to use and the way that Tess just seemed to fork over money like it grew on trees. She’d never been treated this way before, and maybe it was usual for normal people, but she wasn’t a normal person.

 

She’d had a hard time remembering which order to use everything. Shampoo, then conditioner, then the conditioning mask, which she’d been told was definitely not supposed to go on her face. It was a complicated process of scrubbing and detangling but eventually, she emerged from the shower in a fresh pair of sweatpants and a plain white tank top. 

 

Her towel was still being used to dry the damp ends of her hair as she walked into her new room. One that was void of mold or roaches or anything nasty in the world. It was surreal to believe it belonged to her even if it was temporary.

 

Sarah was sitting on the edge of the bed folding some of Ellie’s new clothes. She felt a strange guilt in allowing the girl to complete the task. The clothes weren’t hers so she shouldn’t be responsible for them in any way. Regardless, she knew trying to talk her out of it would be a futile attempt. Given that, Ellie threw the towel in the clothes hamper and moved to sit down next to the other, picking up a shirt, detagging it, and beginning to fold it crudely.

 

“How’s your arm?” Sarah asked, not looking up from her task.

 

Ellie had to think the question over before answering. If she didn’t think about it, she usually couldn’t feel it, but as soon as it popped up in her mind she got this searing pain accompanied by the emotional anguish of the night replaying in her mind. She wondered if it would ever go away.

 

“It’s okay, it doesn’t really hurt,” she said, finishing the shirt and taking to a pair of pants.

 

Sarah gave a nod that looked somewhat relieved and Ellie felt this strange sense of peace wash over her. She was still on guard, she probably always would be, and it likely wasn’t safe for her to get comfortable there knowing she’d be thrown out soon just like everywhere else, but for the moment it was nice. For the moment, she was okay.

 

“Are you adjusting okay so far? Is there anything you need?” 

 

Truthfully, she couldn’t think of a single thing she needed. She had been well fed, mostly well rested, and even provided with new clothes she’d have to get rid of when she left. She was set. She could think of a few things she wanted though.

 

“Hot chocolate,” Ellie said absentmindedly.

 

Sarah’s face lit up and she nodded.

 

“I could go for some! I always make it on the stove, I think it’s just better that way.”

 

For a moment, Ellie hadn’t even registered her request. She almost wanted to stop Sarah and ask what she was talking about, but the more she held onto the words the more she realized there was no reason to dismiss it. For some reason, Sarah was able to take her nerves and throw them out the window. It didn’t stop them from crawling up the side of her mind and tapping on the glass, but when she was with Sarah she didn’t have to let them in. Almost like with Riley. That thought made her heart sink into her stomach.

 

“How about we take a break from this and go downstairs and watch a movie?” Sarah suggested.

 

Ellie had already begun to spiral about the thought of Riley and how guilty she felt for just replacing her friendship with Sarah’s, even if it wasn’t the same kind of friendship. She’d just died the night before, how insensitive and weak could she be?

 

“Ellie?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, you get started on the hot chocolate, I’ll be down to help in a minute.”

 

Sarah gave a gentle nod and stood up, knowing well enough when Ellie needed a moment of peace.

 

As soon as she was out of the room, Ellie let out a breathy sigh and looked down at the shirt in her hands. It was just a plain white tee, there was nothing special about it, and yet she focused on it like it was some beacon of light. Her mind reeled with the crack of Riley’s n3ck, the horrified look on the boy’s face, the bl00d on her hands, the way Riley’s l!ps felt on hers. The way her heart skipped a beat just by looking at her.

 

Suddenly, Ellie’s hand was on her chest and she felt like she couldn’t breathe, like there wasn’t enough air in the world to fill her lungs. Quickly, she scurried over to her backpack and dug through it. The few personal belongings she had were tossed out until she got to her walkman, which still had Riley’s tape in it.

 

In a desperate attempt to feel closer to her, Ellie hit play on the tape and sat with her back against the wall. Pulling her legs close to her chest, she rewinded the tape back to the beginning of Please Don’t Leave Me and hit play once again.

Notes:

I was going to add more to this but I feel like it would’ve droned on without enough context to continue so I split it in two chapters. Anyways, I hope you liked it! As always please drop a comment if you feel so inclined, I love reading them and it fuels my motivation a ton!

Chapter 14: What You Say Goes

Summary:

Tess is not there to hold Joel's hand; in other words, he's horrible at empathy.

The rest of that week went pretty much the same as it always did in terms of school. Ellie stayed to herself, she kept her music on at all times, and her head down. She did her best to keep her promise to Marlene about her grades, but it wasn’t going as well as she wanted. Her English grade had gone up a little, but she was still failing discrete math. Could anyone really blame her? That class sucked and she was pretty sure Mr. Massino was some interdimensional demon who fed off of the despair of children. 

 

The only good thing about his class was Sarah. She kept Ellie on task and stopped her from doing anything irrational or stupid when her buttons were pressed. She was thankful for that in a way.

 

By the time Friday rolled around though, Sarah was more antsy than Ellie had ever seen her. In fact, she’d never seen her like that. Not that they’d known each other for very long, but they sorta lived together now, so they spent a lot of time together. Soccer tryouts for the spring semester were that day. She never could understand why sports were so important to people, it was just kicking or throwing a ball around for points. It didn’t seem particularly entertaining, but it was hard to say no when someone was as pumped as Sarah was.

 

It was about fifteen minutes after school had ended and Ellie was sat on the lowest row of the bleachers next to Sarah who was lacing up her cleats. The girl had traded her former pastel yellow sweater and skinny jeans for a pair of pale blue shorts and a matching striped shirt. She looked like the kind of soccer players you’d see on tv which was kind of cool even if Ellie wouldn’t admit it.

 

“You sure you don’t want to try out? It would give you something to do in the afternoon,” Sarah suggested, her voice practically shaking from the adrenaline.

 

“Pass. I’d fall and bust my head open before my foot even touched the ball. Plus the doctor said no intensive activity until my arm is fully healed.”

 

True, the doctor had strictly prohibited her from things like sports until her arm was healed, it was just another excuse for her to not participate. Strangely, she felt this sort of weight in her stomach in her rejection. It was as if she felt bad for denying Sarah’s offer.

 

“Suit yourself,” Sarah started, standing up once her cleats were tied to her satisfaction.

 

“Promise you’ll come to the games if I get on the team though?”

 

The question hit her harder than she’d expected. Ellie couldn’t think of much she wanted to do less than sit in the sun and sweat while watching girls who hated her guts kick a ball around in some grass, but for Sarah? She found herself wanting not wanting to say no.

 

“I’ll think about it.”

 

Sarah gave a bit of a triumphant smile in response before scurrying off to warm up. Ellie just shook her head and leaned down to dig into her backpack for her sketchbook. Something to keep her occupied when it wasn’t Sarah’s turn to do… whatever it was soccer tryouts consisted of.

 

~

Joel was never particularly excited about work, and much less so as each year passed and his body began to ache more with each passing day. He was much too old to be climbing through the framework of houses and laying roofs or hauling all the building materials he needed from his truck to the various projects.

 

It was all tedious, but he wouldn’t be able to retire for a long time. Not with Sarah’s health being the way it was. For her, though, it didn’t take one thought let alone a second. He’d work until he keeled over on the job if it meant she was going to be okay.

 

That said, he was ridiculously tired when he pulled up to the soccer field behind the school and put his truck in park. From where he was, he could see the team running some basic drills. He was too far away and his eyes were too old to be able to make out everything that was happening, but the one thing he couldn’t miss in a million years was her smile. It almost reflected sunlight from ear to ear as she ran down the field, somehow already muddy and grassy. 

 

For the first time in years, his first thought wasn’t that he wondered if she was okay or if her tube was still intact, it was that he couldn’t believe how endlessly happy she looked. Throughout the worst of her sickness, Sarah had always found a way to remain positive, but this was different. This was normalcy. Suddenly, the sky opened up and the world seemed a little less bleak.

 

For once, Joel Miller allowed himself to have the one thing he promised himself he wouldn’t; hope.

 

~

 

When tryouts were over and the coach gave his final remarks, Sarah came barreling back to the truck like she was being chased by a bear, only her smile hadn’t faded. 

 

Without looking back, she flung the back passenger door open and essentially launched herself into the backseat, throwing her drawstring bag with her soccer supplies and her backpack onto the floorboard beneath her feet.

 

“Dad, dad, dad!” she shrieked in succession.

 

“Slow down, kiddo, don’t hurt yourself,” Joel said with a quiet chuckle, looking at her in the rearview mirror.

 

“Guess what?!”

 

“Hold on now, where’s the other one?” he asked, looking out the windshield to see if he could spot Ellie.

 

Sarah seemed to be mildly upset by his disconnection with the girl.

 

“She has a name, you know?”

 

Joel let out a gruff sigh and decided not to respond so as not to start another pointless argument over the whole situation. Instead, he just waited for the kid to make her way over to the truck.

 

Eventually, she did. 

 

The passenger door opposite of Sarah opened up and Ellie slunk into the seat, her earbuds still plugging her ears as she put her backpack on the floorboard.

 

“It’s rude to keep people guessin’,” Joel said, reminding Sarah she was speaking.

 

For a moment, Sarah was too distracted making sure that Ellie was okay to answer, but when she finally peeled her eyes away a small smile pried at her lips.

 

“The official roster doesn’t come out until tomorrow but the coach was impressed. He said he looked forward to seeing me on the field this season.”

 

Joel didn’t try to hide his responsive smile as he gave her a nod and backed out of his parking space.

 

“Good job, pumpkin, I’m proud of you.”

 

Sarah mirrored Joel’s nod and then went quiet. This seemed to perplex Joel until Sarah’s eyes flicked from his reflection in the rearview to Ellie. She still had her earbuds in, keeping to herself. It was clear Sarah wanted him to acknowledge the girl, and he let out another groan that meant he was not happy about the task.

 

“What about you, kid?” he asked, glancing at Ellie in the mirror.

 

No response. She didn’t even look up. At that, he was about to call it quits until he realized the earbuds.

 

“Kid?” he called, a little louder, hoping to catch your attention.

 

Nothing.

 

“Ellie!”

 

Finally, she ripped her earbuds from her ears, narrowing her eyes at him.

 

“What?” she asked pointedly.

 

Joel cleared his throat of the irritation that had been clogging it and spoke up.

 

“Was just gonna ask how your day was.”

 

Somehow he could tell the look on her face meant bullshit and he was about ready to tell her that if he was going to keep her any longer she needed to drop the attitude, but then he remembered the look Sarah gave him when he didn’t give her the benefit of the doubt. To be fair, he was sure she didn’t have the luxury of being asked how her day was at any of the other placements she went to. Not that he was some sort of savior, he wanted to get rid of her as much as anyone, but he promised Tess he’d have the decency to be hospitable.

 

“It was fine,” she replied, and then put her earbuds back in her ears.

 

That was the end of the conversation and though it didn’t make him any less aggravated, he didn’t see the need to pry.

 

~

 

When they got home, Sarah had already bolted to the door. She got like that when she was excited. Ellie, however, took a million years to get out of the car which only served to push Joel’s buttons even more. Though he’d never admit it, it also mildly concerned him. When she was around Tess she seemed to be able to put on a smile. What was so different about him? Why did he care?

 

Pushing the thought out of his mind, he walked up to the front door and unlocked it. As soon as it was open, Sarah bee-lined for the stairs. 

 

“Be careful, baby, don’t run up the stairs!” 

 

There was no response, but the hissing of the shower in her bathroom let him know that she was wasting no time winding down from tryouts, and he’d respect that.

 

Without much more thought, Joel put his keys in the key holder and moved over to the couch. 

 

With a plop, he sank into the couch with a long and tired sigh. He was about to see what was on tv until the sound of a chair being pulled out pulled his attention to the dining room.

 

Suddenly, he found himself being pulled off the couch by his curiosity. Quietly, he made his way into the doorway of the room. There he found Ellie. She was sitting with her notebook and a math textbook sprawled out in front of her. The notebook page was blank and she chewed on the clip of her mechanical pencil like the answers would ooze out and absorb into her brain through her tongue. Her earbuds were still plugged into her ears like a lifeline.

 

“Homework?” he asked.

 

Nothing.

 

Jesus, how loud did she keep the volume up? She’d be deaf by thirty.

 

“Ellie!”

 

She freed the ear closest to him, but didn’t turn away from her work.

 

“Hm?”

 

“Homework?” he asked.

 

She thought for a moment before responding.

 

“Nah. Blueprints for weapons of mass destruction.”

 

“Right,” he replied, unenthused.

 

There was a moment of silence and he could smell the are we done before it even dared to fall from her lips.

 

“Well if you need help with your measurements let me know,” he said, turning away and continuing back to the living room before she even got the chance to answer.

 

~~~

 

By the time Sarah was out of the shower, Joel had called in some Chinese takeout from their local delivery joint. He didn’t bother asking Sarah what she wanted because she got the same thing every time. Unsurprisingly, Ellie had never had takeout in her life, so he’d been tasked with picking something she would like. He’d gone with the sesame chicken because he’d never known that to disappoint.

 

After either finishing her homework or giving up, neither of which were his business, she retreated to her room upstairs, only coming downstairs when dinner was ready. She was accompanied by Sarah, which gave him the perfect chance to sit down and talk to them both. Obviously, Sarah was very aware of the house rules, but he needed a witness so that the kid couldn’t deny having heard them.

 

“Alright, here’s how this thing’s gon’ play out,” he started.

 

Sarah and Ellie were sat side by side on the couch in front of him and he was standing on the other side of the coffee table, arms crossed and face as unimpressed as ever.

 

“I don’t wanna know where you came from, matter-fact, we can just keep our histories to ourselves. Secondly, you keep that arm covered, I don’t need DSS knockin’ on my door because some teacher thought somethin’ or other about it, and lastly, you do what I say when I say it. We clear?”

 

Ellie’s face seemed to harden as he spoke and Sarah got that nose twitch she did when she was trying to contain her attitude.

 

“Yup.”

 

“Repeat it.”

 

The girl sighed in something like defeat and rolled her head back lazily.

 

“What you say goes.”

 

“Good,” he paused again, allowing his neutral face to return.

 

Maybe he’d been a bit harsh, but he still didn’t know her, and he wasn’t as empathetic as Tess. He didn’t want to have to dig himself out of any more trouble than he normally did.

 

“Go get yourself some food.”

Notes:

Okay quick updateeeee~
Anyways, hi! Thanks for reading and as always please leave a comment below if you feel so inclined. I love reading them and they really motivate me to continue writing. This was a little bit of a shorter chapter but pretty wholesome comparatively. Next chapter we get to see some much-anticipated characters so I hope you guys will enjoy that. See you in the next one!

Chapter 15: Strawberries

Summary:

Sarah parent traps Joel and Ellie, and Frank is an honorary uncle. (Also this chapter is split in two because it was so long so please bear with me 😭)

Crack!

 

Though the words had never actually been uttered, the sound of Riley’s voice was unmistakable in the recesses of Ellie’s mind.

 

You would’ve convinced me to stay.

 

The coppery smell of blood dripped from her fingertips and evaporated into the smell of anguish entering her nose. Poisoning her thoughts. Suffocating her.

 

Stay.

 

Crack!

 

Okay.

 

Her own screams filled her ears and created a medley of terror that encapsulated the night she lost Riley like a movie. One that was on repeat every time she closed her eyes. 

Crack!

 

Oh my god, Ellie!

 

Ellie…

 

Crack!

 

Ellie!

 

“Ellie!”

 

Her eyes flew open, accompanied by a sharp inhale. The overhead light in the fan, which could be controlled by remote or switch, clicked on and Ellie’s pupils sizzled with pain.

 

“Ah! What the fuck?!”

 

Bringing her knuckles to her eyelids, Ellie did what she could to massage the pain and temporary blindness from her eyeballs, ignoring the half-snort-half-giggle from Sarah as she did.

 

“Wake up, get dressed. We’re going to Bill and Frank’s,” she explained, that general Sarah Miller enthusiasm in her voice that did nothing for Ellie’s frustration.

 

She’d never been a morning person. Not until Riley. Now she had no reason to be, and the nightmares didn’t help.

 

“This early?” she questioned, finally sitting up in bed and stifling an angry yawn.

 

“It takes a while to get there, plus Dad is getting us breakfast for the road.”

 

Well, at least there was that. Still, she couldn’t fathom why she’d had to be woken up at the ass crack of dawn. She was sure whoever these Bill and Frank people were, they could wait for company to arrive at a reasonable time of day.

 

In her assessment of the totally preposterous situation, another thought occurred to her that may serve to propel her from bed a little faster depending on the answer.

 

“Is Tess coming?” 

 

Sarah gave a small nod at the question and Ellie found herself biting the inside of her cheek in order to stop herself from smiling.

 

“She had to take care of something first though. She’s gonna meet us there.”

 

That was enough to push Ellie up to the side of the bed and eventually onto her feet. 

 

“I’ll meet you downstairs, I’m going to go get ready,” Sarah concluded.

 

Ellie gave a firm nod to that and the other wasted no time making good on her statement. That left Ellie alone to gather her bearings and reorient herself in the early hours of the morning. It sucked, but she was holding onto the idea of food and seeing Tess again. Spending time with Sarah didn’t sound too bad either, she just wasn’t entirely ready to get out of bed yet.

 

~

 

By the time Joel finished his second cup of coffee he managed to glance over at the oven clock  and determine they needed to hit the road soon. It was still dark outside, and that much he was sure he’d hear about from the gloom on his doorstep Tess and Marlene called a child.

 

Seriously, there wasn’t a single thing he could think of that amused her. Well… that wasn’t entirely true. Sarah seemed to amuse her just fine, which was probably why he didn’t. He and Sarah were just about as opposite as you could get. That was probably why they worked so well, and inversely why he and Ellie didn’t.

 

He swore she was straight out of the Gremlins. Some chaos goblin that left a trail of destruction everywhere she went. He could tell where she’d eaten last because there’d be food wrappers or crumbs or utensils left out. Even when she was sleeping, she’d get up and leave the surface tousled with unarranged blankets and pillows. It made him shudder to even think about.

 

“I don’t know how you drink that shit.”

 

There hadn’t been any sign that anyone had entered the room. No pitter patter of feet on the hardwood floor. Not even a breathing pattern disrupting the low drone of the a/c, so when the voice pierced the air around him he jumped a little.

 

“Son of a-, you know there’s such a thing as announcing your presence?”

 

Placing the mug in the sink, he turned around to find Ellie standing there, looking completely unenthused. 

 

“Consider my presence announced,” she replied, dredging up an eye roll from him.

 

If Sarah wasn’t so adamant about this particular arrangement, the girl would be back on Marlene’s couch before lunch.

 

Thankfully for him, that was when Sarah hopped down the last step like a bunny rabbit on Easter.

 

“Ready?” she asked excitedly.

 

“Yeah,” Joel agreed, not waiting for Ellie’s response as he moved to the front door and grabbed his keys from the key holder.

 

With the door now open, Joel made his way to the driver’s seat of his truck. Sarah and Ellie trailed behind like little ducklings, only stopping when Ellie reached the back passenger door. 

 

“Dad’s got some work supplies in the back, there’s only room for one person,” Sarah explained.

 

“I thought you said Tess was going to meet us there,” Ellie replied questioningly.

 

It was entirely too early for Joel to see the ‘parent trap’ scheme Sarah was cooking up until she spelled it out.

 

“She is, but I want the backseat. It’s more comfortable,” she said, moving towards the door.

 

Ellie still had her hand defensively on the handle.

 

“I am not sitting in the front seat.”

 

“Why not?” Sarah asked. “He’s not gonna bite you.”

 

That was when Joel felt the need to interject, because for once he agreed with Ellie’s perspective on the situation.

 

“Baby…” he started, glancing at Sarah through the open passenger door.

 

“And it’ll be good for you two!”

 

She was so enthusiastic that it was almost impossible for either of them to object any further. Almost.

 

“Says who?!” 

 

“Says me,” Sarah said sternly, gently moving between Ellie and the door and then into the backseat. 

 

The click of the door latch was accompanied by an exasperated ugh from Ellie as she made her way to the front seat. Not without a bit of snickering from Sarah, which prompted Joel to give her a glare in the rearview mirror.

 

“You’re rotten, you know that?” 

 

“Yep, sure do.”

 

At that, Joel just sighed and turned the car on. It was going to be a long drive. That much he’d already accepted. 

 

~

 

For the first thirty minutes or so, Ellie had plugged her ears with her walkman and turned the volume up enough to deafen her before she turned thirty. It wasn’t like she cared much, she didn’t plan on making it that long. 

 

Much to her discontent, however, the device had begun to act strange around forty five minutes in. It was slowing down and she wondered what could possibly be wrong with it. The droning went on for another few minutes and then eventually it stopped altogether. 

 

Her heart plunged into her stomach.

 

“No… no, no, no, no! Fuck!” She shouted, hitting the thing against her palm in a desperate attempt to restart it.

 

To no avail.

 

Ellie ripped the earbuds from her ears and began frantically examining the musical piece of plastic to see if she could tinker it back to life.

 

“What in Sam hill is wrong with you?” 

 

For a moment the words flew over her head like a bad football pass. Not a single one of her fingers collected the words and she didn’t bother acknowledging him until she realized she wasn’t getting anywhere with her aimless prodding.

 

“The stupid thing is broken!”

 

Her eyes were still glued on the task at hand, but she’d grown accustomed to the feeling of eyes on her. She knew his ego was boring into her skull with superiority, but he seemed to refrain from reminding her.

 

“What’s it doing?”

 

Ellie finally looked up at the older man, cutting her eyes in some scowl that made her look like a feral raccoon hoarding its food. The anger she radiated was no doubt part of the reason all of her placements ended up the way they did. The way this one would. She was sure of it.

 

“It kept slowing down and now it’s stopped and it won’t play,” she huffed.

 

Her eyes quickly returned to the device. Something about the idea of not having it made her chest tighten and her stomach churn. It was only then that she realized that was the only thing left she had of her own. Of Riley. Besides her mother’s switchblade, anything she’d ever had was gone. She was a vagabond. She’d never actually owned anything. Even when she did, it was sure to be taken by some dipshit kid at a group home or broken when she was thrown against a wall by some drunk old man who was supposed to take care of her.

 

“Relax, it ain’t broken. Battery’s just dead. Bill’s got some. We’ll fix it when we get there.”

 

The statement was Earth shattering. It blasted through those panicked walls that had formed around the perimeter of the fortress in her mind. She took in what he said and suddenly she felt stupid for being so worked up. A dead battery. Easy fix. Dead batteries had never been an easy fix before. No one had ever been willing to waste energy on her literally or figuratively. If a device ran out of juice it was tossed away. Her comfort gone in a second. 

 

“Oh…”

 

Her gaze stayed on her hands, but once again she could feel Joel’s eyes on her. They were different this time. It wasn’t a look of confusion or annoyance, it was almost sympathy. That was worse.

 

Thankfully for her, the gravely crunch under the truck tires and the ungodly amount of bumps that followed told her they’d arrived at their destination. Obviously, she’d never been there before, but Joel had said this place was way out in the sticks. She knew at the very least what that felt like.

 

“Here it is,” he started, glancing in the rearview at a still sleeping Sarah. “Will you wake her up when we get out?”

 

“Yeah, sure.”

 

The response was quick, mostly because she wasn’t really listening. She was already leaning into the window to explore her surroundings, and much to her surprise, it wasn’t totally sketchy. A farmhouse in a huge clearing. Aside from the barbed wire on top of the fence it was pretty normal. She could even hear the barking of dogs which she couldn’t decide whether or not she was excited about.

 

“Ellie?”

 

Her eyes peeled back to the man in the driver’s seat for a moment.

 

“Hm?”

 

Joel sighed and ran a hand over his face the way he seemed to when he had to make an effort to ensure she didn’t do anything stupid.

 

“Listen, we gotta be clear on this, okay? Bill ain’t exactly the most stable of individuals. Just… behave, and let me do the talking for now.”

 

“Yes sir,” she said gruffly, mocking his low and stern tone.

 

He rolled his eyes and exited the truck. Ellie unintentionally mirrored his movements, and made her way around to Sarah. 

 

With the door now standing open, she placed a hand gently on her shoulder and shook her awake.

 

“Hey… Sarah. Wake up, we’re here.”

 

The girl stirred and Ellie found herself feeling somewhat nauseous again. Being around people that didn’t clearly want to destroy her life was odd. She always expected everything she did to escalate a situation to the highest degree. A slight tap on the shoulder, or a wrong step with her words. She worried it wouldn’t ever change. Then she remembered that it didn’t matter. This wasn’t going to last much longer anyways.

 

“Sarah?” she asked quietly, almost hesitantly.

 

The vulnerability in her voice that threatened to display her thoughts only made the nausea worse and she feared she’d puke all over the unstable apocalypse preparer’s lawn.

 

Much to her relief, Sarah finally stretched and sat up with a yawn.

 

“My god, you even sleep dainty,” Ellie huffed, playing off her prior emotions.

 

Sarah stuck her tongue out in response and hopped out of the truck, closing the door behind her.

 

“How was the drive here?” she asked, some semblance of patronizing tone in her voice.

 

“You suck,” Ellie huffed, crossing her arms and beginning to walk towards the front door, Sarah trailing closely behind.

 

~

 

Joel wasn’t sure what to expect on a Saturday evening at Bill’s ranch. The smell of his infamous glazed rabbit and veggies suggested, however, that he might be in somewhat of a hospitable mood. Then again, Bill was probably the least hospitable person on planet Earth— he’d just have to leave the talking to Tess as usual. 

 

That being said, when he was greeted at the screen by Frank and the two farm dogs he and Bill kept, he was pleasantly surprised. 

 

“Joel! ‘Bout time you showed up, come on in!”

 

“Hey, Frank,” he said, a half smile present on his face.

 

By the time he got through the door Tess was already making her way into the foyer from down the hall. 

 

“What took you so long? It’s a thirty minute drive up I-93.”

 

When the words left her mouth, he already had his knees to the floor, surrounded by dogs, being tackled and fought over for affection. He’d never been much of an animal person, but he couldn’t deny a dog ear scratches. It seemed inhumane.

 

“Nice to see you too, Tess.”

 

He hadn’t looked up at her yet, but he could feel her eyes boring into his skull. The questions she was silently asking lingering in the air like a fog. It was suffocating.

 

“She’s fine. Her arm’s fine, she got good sleep last night far as I know, haven’t gotten a call from the school yet, and Marlene’s M-I-fuckin’-A. I’m doin’ all I can do,” he said, frustration lacing the words as he finally stood up.

 

For a moment, there were no words exchanged between the two. Silence as their eyes locked and Tess’s brow quirked, the corner of her lip pulling upward a bit.

 

“I was just gonna say Bill’s in the kitchen, he needs your help patching a leak in the roof later.”

 

Joy.

 

“God- I’ll be there in a minute.”

 

~

 

“Uncle Frank!”

 

Ellie watched from beside Sarah as she threw her arms around the older man, jumping up a bit to reach his neck. 

 

She reared back a bit as he leaned forward, like he might topple over. When he wrapped his arms around Sarah’s back, she relaxed a little.

 

“Sarah-baby! It’s great to see you, sweetpea. How’re you feeling?”

 

In the midst of the affection filled reunion, Ellie felt herself drifting somewhere between dissociation and fight or freeze. 

 

Her eyes scanned over the man, Frank. He was skinny, almost sickly so. He donned a grey long sleeve shirt and dark wash jeans like the ones Joel wore. 

 

His skin was sunkissed and dry, somewhat leathery and covered in what looked like hundreds, maybe thousands of freckles in all different shades and sizes. His graying hair was parted into soft strands on his forehead and he looked even. Put together, and not at all paranoid like Joel had described the still hidden Bill character to be. Part of her thought maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. The rest of her hated watching Sarah be so enveloped in affection. 

 

Then she felt the strangest thing.

 

For the first time, she felt this strong desire to run inside and hide behind Joel like a toddler in a grocery store. He was a dickbag and she knew that he spent every waking moment hoping Marlene would take her away, but he had this cloud around him that made her feel understood sometimes. Like maybe the way she shuddered at social interaction didn’t make her insane. Like maybe she wasn’t crazy, she was just different. Maybe he was her kind of different.

 

“You must be Ellie.”

 

She didn’t realize her gaze had drifted to the aforementioned grump of a man in the foyer until the somewhat familiar voice pulled her out of her thoughts.

 

“Yeah,” she replied, ignoring Sarah’s nervous glance.

 

It only added to the feeling that she didn’t exactly belong. Even if she didn’t mean it, it was moments like these when she was reminded how much of a runt she was compared to Sarah. 

 

“I’ve heard a lot about you.”

 

His voice was soft and inviting. It eased the tension in Ellies shoulders, but she still hugged her arms close to her stomach.

 

“Tess?”

 

Her eyes sort of lit up when she said it and he rose a brow mischievously.

 

“You think Joel makes house calls?”

 

Sarah giggled at the comment and Ellie had to bite back her first smile in a good while.

 

“No… no I’m sure he doesn’t…” there was a pause as Ellie tried to figure out what to say.

 

It was rare that people, especially people older than her, willingly spoke to her. There was Tess, but she was different, she understood Ellie in a way no one except Marlene and Riley had.

 

“So… you’re Frank?” she asked awkwardly.

 

“That’d be me,” he agreed with a grin and a nod.

 

“Sarah calls me Uncle Frank. I’m not related to Joel or anything like that, it’s just one of those southern extended family things. At least, that’s what I’ve been told, I was born and raised here in Lincoln.”

 

The thought hadn’t even crossed Ellie’s mind that it might’ve been odd that Sarah had referred to the man as ‘uncle’. She’d heard stranger things.

 

“Are the strawberries ready?” Sarah chimed in, not letting the air go stale for even a moment.

 

“Sure are, Ellie, you wanna join us? You and Sarah can have first pick,” Frank offered, that same gentle smile still telling her she was welcome without saying it.

 

She mulled it over for a moment like there was some way something could go wrong in the garden. Her gaze shifted back to Joel, who was now joined by Tess. Neither of them looked at her though and so she turned back to Frank and nodded.

 

“I’d like that.”

Notes:

Hey guys, how are we? I’m miserable. Absolutely completely and totally miserable. If you’re here after last night’s episode… I hope you’re okay. And I hope this chapter and the next bring you some much needed joy.

Chapter 16: Something In The Orange

Summary:

Joel realizes that maybe Ellie is weaseling into more than just his home. Sarah is just happy to be here and Bill is a menace.

Despite their mutual understanding that the world sucked and it was only getting worse, Bill and Joel could never truly get along. They were both hot headed, but Joel had Sarah to calm him down, and Frank could only do so much for Bill. 

 

“Why the fuck are you two in my kitchen?”

 

The question was asked without even a slight acknowledgement of their presence other than the words uttered. His eyes stayed trained on the rabbit meat in his cutting board as he expertly sliced away at it. 

 

Joel’s eyes widened a bit, not in surprise about the crude greeting, but for the fact that Tess had not yet disclosed why they were there in the first place. To which she gave a softened glance that read sorry, and Joel huffed.

 

“Listen, Bill, I need a favor.”

 

It was almost reluctant, which Joel never was, but he was much too tired to deal with Bill’s antics, so he did his best to mitigate the fallout. 

 

“A favor? What is this some kind of joke?”

 

The knife moved faster now and the knot in Joel’s shoulders began to ache as he stiffened his posture and shifted on his feet.

 

“We just need some clothes, Bill, that’s all,” Tess chimed in.

 

She was better at talking than he was, that’s why he’d always been the muscle.

 

“Well, it is a joke--” he started, moving the rabbit to the side and starting to dice potatoes with the precision of a mad man on a mission. “--Joel needs some clothes.”

 

“If I had any to spare, which I sure as hell don’t, what makes you think I’d just give ‘em to you?”

 

Joel’s hand drifted out in front of him in a halt motion the way it did when he meant business. Tess spoke up again before he could say anything.

 

“Frank already said yes, and if you won’t listen to us, I know for damn sure you’ll listen to him.”

 

There was finally a pause in the chopping, an exasperated sigh followed, and Joel bit back the smirk of triumph creeping onto his face.

 

“In the garage in the boxes on the shelf, tell that little girl of yours not to touch anything, and you best get to work on that roof right after lunch.”

 

He was just about to argue that Ellie most definitely was not his little girl or anything remotely of the sort, but then it occurred to him that he might not even be talking about her. He didn’t know how much Tess had told him about Ellie, if anything at all. 

 

“Come on, Texas.”

 

It didn’t matter. They were already there, and there was no sense in getting worked up over anything having to do with her. It was temporary.

 

As he continued over to the doorway, he found himself thinking back to the car ride there. To Sarah. To her little parent trap and—

 

“Bill?”

 

There was a grunt in response and Joel took it as a sign to speak up. 

 

“Batteries too. Double A.”

 

~

 

She wasn’t sure she’d ever tasted anything so bitter and yet so delightful. Fruit was something that so rarely graced her palate. Veggies that felt and tasted like flakes of dirt, sure, but never fruit. It was always too much of a desired item to give to the leftover child at the dining table. 

 

Sarah had freaked about her eating a few of them before they’d been soaked in some odd disinfectant-baking-soda-bullshit, claiming that she’d catch some fungal infection and die, but that was neither here nor there. 

 

When it was time to come in, Ellie and Sarah were already barreling inside with baskets of the berries, and some other garden picks, to be washed.

 

“Beat you to the kitchen!” Sarah shouted, swinging the front door open. 

 

“You fucking wish!”

 

Unfortunately a very grumpy brick wall named Joel crashed into her before she could realize Sarah had stopped in the foyer.

 

“For the love of- slow down, will you? You’ll kill somebody!”

 

The words felt like the snap of a rubber band in a perfectly still moment. Like all at once all the happiness and light faded. The comfort she’d found in him earlier drained faster than she would’ve ever thought possible and suddenly, her usual attitude was replaced with a rigidity reserved for the usual placements. 

 

“Yes sir,” she said. 

 

Only this time, there was no bitterness. No sarcasm or crude remark, just compliance as she scurried down the hall to the kitchen. 

 

~

When the strawberries were washed and packaged, and Bill’s cooking came to a halt while things boiled and stewed, Frank got to work on a dessert. In the meantime, Joel, Ellie, and Bill ventured into the garage. Joel didn’t want to crowd the overgrown toddler and cause a temper tantrum, so he sent Tess and Sarah to see if Frank needed any help. 

 

“Mediums and smalls are up there on the top shelf,” Bill grunted, nodding to two cardboard boxes.

 

Joel didn’t speak, he just pulled the boxes from their dust ridden homes and opened them up on the floor, allowing Ellie to scrounge.

 

To his surprise, she contained her excitement, taking the articles out, examining them, and sorting them into piles of what she wanted and didn’t.

 

While she busied herself with that, Joel turned his attention back to Bill.

 

“How ‘bout those batteries?” he asked, like it was some sensitive secret.

 

Bill looked between him and Ellie for a moment. He let out a sarcastic chuckle laced with a bitter undercurrent of pity and shook his head.

 

There were no words to follow as he led Joel to the other side of the room. A small sort of hideaway corner lined with bins and shelves.

 

“This goes on record as the worst fuckin’ decision you’ve ever made,” he huffed, rifling through the double A batteries for the least desirable brand.

 

“It’s up there,” Joel replied with a sigh, crossing his arms and leaning against a table behind him.

 

“How in the hell was Tess okay with this?”

 

It was too much to explain. Frank knew about Max and if Bill did, he didn’t care. He didn’t do attachment of any sort, Frank was the only exception. Even then, he wondered sometimes. Empathy and a need for purpose was as funny as any punchline to him.

 

“She actually pushed for it.”

 

“Well, then she’s not as smart as I thought,” he started, pulling a pack of four batteries and tossing them to Joel.

 

“Seriously, you gotta send that kid right back to whatever dumpster or street curb you found her.”

 

Joel pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. It was pointless to argue with him.

 

“She’s a kid, Bill, I can’t just-”

 

“Listen, in this world that kinda shit is only good for one thing: derailin’ your whole fuckin’ life.”

 

“It ain’t like that.”

 

And it wasn’t. Far as he was concerned she was just some urchin he’d been tasked with protecting. His job was to keep her alive. Anything beyond that wasn’t part of the job description. 

 

“Bullshit, it is just like that-“

 

It was clear he would’ve kept going if given the chance, but he was interrupted by the sound of plastic clanking together. 

 

“Hey!” he shouted. “What did I say to you when we walked in here?”

 

Joel’s eyes flitted over to Ellie and he sighed. He needed to keep that kid on a leash. 

 

“What did I say?”

 

Ellie threw her hands up in defense.

 

“I was just fixing your stupid pile!” 

 

“I said don’t. touch.”

 

Ellie not so daintily flipped him the bird and Joel’s brows laced together, pressing back the migraine that was already throbbing under his temples. 

 

“Goddamn it-“ Bill huffed, turning his attention back to Joel. 

“Look, you keep babysittin’ long enough and eventually it’s gonna blow up in your face.”

 

Joel didn’t answer right away. His thumb rolled absently over the edge of the battery pack in his hand. He told himself it was easier this way—easier if she had something to do, something to keep her occupied so she wasn’t always running her mouth or poking at things she shouldn’t. That’s all it was. Practical.

 

But that didn’t explain why he’d remembered to ask for them. Or why he was still holding them now, like they meant something.

 

Bill’s words hung heavy in the air. He could feel the truth in them, just under the surface—gnawing. It wasn’t just the mouth on the kid or her reckless streak that was getting to him. It was the way she’d started to look at him. In the car when he’d suggested the fix for the music machine, or in the doorway earlier when she thought he couldn’t feel her eyes on him. 

 

He clenched the batteries in his fist.

 

“Bill, can we just get on with supper and call it a night?” he asked, the edge in his voice dulled by something heavier than exhaustion.

 

“Fine. Let’s get on with it,” he mocked, moving towards the door. 

 

Joel stayed back for a moment, opening his hand and staring down at the pack of batteries once more. 

 

“I swear to God if you took anything-“

 

“Hey man, I don’t want your shit.”

 

The banter, and the shuffling of the clothing box back onto the shelf pulled Joel’s attention back to Ellie and then over to the doorway. 

 

“You are keeping an eye on her right?”

 

Shoving the batteries in his pocket, Joel stepped over to Ellie and nudged her toward the exit.

 

“Like a hawk.”

 

~

Forks scraped against plates in a slow, lazy rhythm. The late afternoon sun spilled through the curtains like it was supposed to be comforting. She wouldn’t know. Every dinner table she’d ever sat at made her feel like a hostage. She’d rather one of Randy’s stolen pizzas. She’d rather Riley. 

 

Ellie pushed a chunk of roasted carrot around her plate with her fork. The chair under her creaked every time she shifted, and the smells—meat, herbs, that sharp snap of something pickled—felt almost too loud after the quiet she was used to.

 

“Eat.”

 

The command was sharp, like every word that had slipped from Joel’s mouth since the garage. Bill was one of the loudest people she’d ever had the displeasure of sharing space with. To that end, she’d heard the whole conversation between him and Joel. 

 

…in this world, that kinda shit’s only good for one thing: derailin’ your whole fuckin’ life.

 

Bill, it ain’t like that.

 

But Bill was right. It was like that. Ellie killed everything she touched. Her mother, Riley, anything good never lasted long if she had anything to do with it, and that weighed her down in the moment, dragging her fork into the carrot and auto-piloting it to her mouth. 

 

Across the table, Sarah was curled up in her chair, tucked next to Frank like it was the most natural thing in the world. She smiled at something he said, all soft and easy. 

 

“How was school this week, girls?” Tess asked, looking up from her plate and glancing between Ellie and Sarah.

 

“Good! It’s not official yet, but I’m pretty sure I made the soccer team!”

 

Frank’s face lit up in a way that made the carrot mash on Ellie’s tongue harder to swallow. 

 

“Congrats, sweetpea, that’s amazing!”

 

Ellie couldn’t think of a time she’d ever done anything worth being proud of. It was all fights and suspensions. Failing grades and administrative intervention. She was a fuck up and it was all she ever would be. Sitting opposite of Sarah only made that clearer. 

 

“Ellie?”

 

Her eyes cut over to Tess, brows knitted together like they were trying to catch whatever she’d missed. 

 

“I was just asking how school was this week?”

 

Ellie gave half a nod and tried to dig up something positive. 

 

“She’s doing really good with our new unit in Algebra. She understands it better than me and math is my second best subject,” Sarah chimed in. 

 

The praise made her chest tighten. Ellie was shit at math, in fact she had been failing until… well until this past week. 

 

“That’s great, do you like math?” Tess asked.

 

It only occurred to Ellie then that no one except for Sarah knew anything about her and even then, Sarah still knew the bare minimum. But Tess seemed to care. She had from the start. Maybe, even just for now, she needed to let her.

 

“Actually, I avoid it like the plague, but I like puzzles. This unit sort of feels like solving puzzles.”

 

The words felt childish and vulnerable as they fell off her lips. She hated herself for saying anything at all and yet, nobody seemed to mind. In fact, Joel huffed and shook his head in some disapproval, but not of her. 

 

“I fuckin’ hate this common-core shit. Math is math, I don’t understand why they gotta over complicate things.”

 

Sarah giggled from across the table, and Ellie felt her nerves ease within her. Maybe he wasn’t plotting on her downfall… maybe. 

“Everyone has their things,” Frank chimed in. “I barely passed freshman biology.”

 

“I hated AP Lit,” Tess added. 

 

“I never had any problems,” Bill grumbled, scraping the scraps off of his plate. 

 

Ellie dropped her fork and shot a glare over at him.

 

“Alright, don’t be a dick.”

 

Joel’s eyes widened and Tess snickered.

 

“I’ll tell you what, Joel, that punk’s got a mouth on her-“

 

“I don’t wanna hear it, from the sounds of it you’ve been an asshole since well before I got here-“

 

“Ellie!”

 

She backed down at that. The tone in Joel’s voice alerting her that she was out of line. She knew she was, but so was the other one. 

 

“I need you to shut. up.”

 

It was low, but matching his prior tone. She didn’t want to back down, but she also didn’t want to be dumpster diving for her breakfast the next morning. 

 

“Yes sir,” she muttered condescendingly. 

 

There was a beat of silence before Frank spoke up again. 

 

“You know… she’s not wrong. You are kind of an asshole.”

 

Tess couldn’t contain her laughter at that, bursting into a fit of giggles. Sarah was roped in and a smile tugged at the corners of Ellie’s mouth. 

 

If there was one thing she could count on, it was Tess swooping in and making her feel like she wasn’t a complete street urchin. For all of the moments she felt out of place, there seemed to be one where she felt like she could exist on the same plane as Tess and the Millers. For the most part, that was all her. 

 

The table eventually fell quiet again, and Ellie scraped the last bits of her food off of her plate, ready for the warm strawberry shortcake that was baking in the oven.

 

~

 

The last nails bit into the shingle with a dry, hollow thud. Joel sat back on his heels, flexing the stiffness from his fingers as he surveyed the patch job. It wasn’t pretty, but it’d hold through the next rain, and that was all Bill could ask for without tearing up half the roof.

 

The sun was low and bleeding red across the tree line, casting long shadows over the backyard. It was the kind of evening that usually settled under his skin in a good way—quiet, useful work finished, the world soft around the edges. 

 

He let out a breath, heavy but easy, and set the hammer down beside him.

 

The events of the dinner table played back in his mind and he thought about how it had all gone down. Ellie’s outburst. Truthfully, it wasn’t entirely her fault. She was right, Bill was an asshole, always had been. He was like that with everyone, but she was a kid. She had no business talking to an adult like that. Then again, her defensiveness was a survival strategy. As much of a pain in his ass as it was, he couldn’t ask her to get rid of it. Not when she’d be out in the next shitty placement before either of them knew it. 

 

His solitude lasted all of thirty seconds before he was interrupted by small, quick footsteps behind him. Not Bill’s heavy stomp. Not Frank’s easy tread.

Lighter. Hesitant.

 

Joel didn’t turn around right away. Just wiped the sweat from his brow with the back of his arm and said, voice rough but not unfriendly.

 

“You’re gonna fall through the damn roof if you don’t watch where you’re steppin’.”

 

He pulled his gloves from his hands and set them next to his tool bag, finally glancing over at the girl as she walked over. 

 

“Please, if you think this is the most dangerous place I’ve been, you’d be horrified by the real shit.”

 

He didn’t give an answer to that, mostly because he didn’t know what answer he could give. It was much too personal and there was not a bit of him that did personal well. Not with her or Tess, not even with Sarah. 

 

It wasn’t until the kid dropped down next to him, resting her arms on her elbows that he finally looked at her. Her eyes peeled over the sunset before them and he felt himself thinking back to the batteries. He reached into his pocket and wrapped his hand around the pack like it might give him the strength to say anything at all. 

 

“This everything you were hoping for?” he finally managed. 

 

She didn’t look at him, instead keeping her eyes where they were fixed ahead of her. 

 

“Jury’s still out,” she started. “But man… you can’t deny that view.”

 

Joel gave a soft chuckle and a nod. It was awkward and clunky, but she didn’t seem to care. The wasn’t much she did seem to care about. 

 

“Here,” he offered, pulling the pack of double A’s from his pocket and handing them to her. 

 

“There’s four in there, should last you a while.”

 

Ellie finally peeled her eyes away from the landscape and landed on the offering. Maybe a peace offering. 

 

“How’d you convince him to give those up?” she asked, taking them in her hands and rolling the package around for a moment. 

 

He shrugged. 

 

“Blackmail,” he said dryly. 

 

She chuckled, and he smiled. It slipped past his solid barrier and he didn’t try to hide it this time. 

 

He could’ve sat like that for at least another ten minutes before finding some excuse to leave. It was peaceful.

 

“Hey Texas, we’re headin’ out. Sarah asked to ride with me, you want me to take Ellie too?”

 

Joel turned half way around to see Tess standing on the last couple rungs of the ladder. He was about to tell her it was up to Ellie and whatever she wanted, but the two seemed to be on the same wavelength. 

 

“I’m good with him,” she said. “We’re all going to the same place aren’t we?”

 

And with that she stood up and made her way over to the ladder and past Tess like it didn’t mean a damn thing. It was such a swift motion that he didn’t have time to react. He didn’t do anything but watch her leave until she was out of earshot and Tess spoke up again. 

 

“You coming?” she asked. 

 

He nodded.

 

“Yeah, I’ll be down in a minute.”

 

Tess returned his gesture and left him there on the roof with his thoughts. 

 

Once she was gone, Joel ran a hand through his hair and glanced down at the lawn below. Sarah was prancing around with the dogs and Ellie joined in soon enough. Everything was as it should be and yet his chest was tight with uncertainty. 

His gaze pulled from the girls to the broken watch that sat on his wrist. It was a reminder even in the best of times that he’d failed the one good thing in his life he’d ever had, and one that he couldn’t fail her again. For now? That meant taking care of Ellie to the best of his ability, and he would. 

Notes:

Yet another week of Neil and Craig ripping my soul to shreds 😀 anyways, here’s some serotonin!! I love Bill 😭 hope you guys enjoyed! as always let me know what you think in the comments!

Chapter 17: The Great American Education

Summary:

The system continues to fail Ellie, but Sarah gains a sister. Tess makes an appearance.

The rain had come out of nowhere, and Tess’s suggestion of taking the interstate home had turned out to be an awful idea because the traffic was standstill.

 

Ellie had fallen asleep shortly after leaving Bill’s house, which he wasn’t complaining about. It gave him some peace and quiet while he decompressed.

 

It wasn’t that the day was bad, in fact, seeing Sarah so consistently happy as of late gave him hope that things could be looking up now that she was getting older. That had always been a possibility; he just rejected it to focus on taking care of her. The thing he was so hung up on was the other one.

 

Much like the rain beating down on the roof of the truck, she’d come out of nowhere. It started with the incident at school, which Joel still wasn’t completely over, though he’d grown to appreciate Ellie sticking her neck out for someone she didn’t even know at the time. Then all of a sudden she was bloodying up his doorstep and he was just supposed to treat her as his own? He wasn’t built for that. He barely raised Sarah; the girl had been self-sufficient since she’d taken her first steps aside from needing medical care. He learned more from her on the daily than she did from him.

 

The other one was different. She was guarded, impatient, defiant, and worst of all, she needed actual care. Care that he couldn’t afford to give her.

 

“Aw, man!”

 

Joel’s weary eyes pulled up to look at the source of the commotion.

 

“Hey, what happened to sleepin’?” he asked, running a hand over his face like it would get him home faster.

 

She scoffed like his question was some huge offense.

 

“Okay, I know it doesn’t look like it, but this here is not a bad read,” she said, holding up some thin read he couldn’t identify.

 

“Only one problem,” she added, pointing to a small set of words on the thing. “Right there. To be continued.”

 

He glanced in the rearview and quirked a brow. 

 

“I hate cliffhangers,” she mumbled. 

 

It occurred to him then that he’d never seen her with what looked to be a comic before. She had very few belongings, and though he wasn’t keeping track, he was certain that wasn’t one of them. 

 

“Where did you get that?” he asked, glancing back at her. 

 

“Uh…”

 

Her face dropped like she’d done something bad, and that gave him his answer. 

 

“…back at Bill’s.”

 

He sighed and gripped the wheel a bit tighter. They were already halfway home; there was no sense in turning around now, but that little klepto would be the death of him. 

 

“All this stuff was just lying there in boxes! People who actively use stuff don’t keep them tucked away in a bunker,” she justified. 

 

Though he wanted to, he couldn’t argue with her statement. As long as it wasn’t anything too obvious, he doubted Bill would miss it. Even still, stealing was stealing, and he’d be sure the things were returned as soon as possible. 

 

“What else did you get?” he asked, an air of exhaustion in his voice as opposed to disappointment. 

 

The shit eating grin she got informed him that she thought of this as a win, which he was sure he’d pay for later. 

 

“Well…” she started, rifling through her contraband. “This make you all nostalgic?” 

 

His foot let off the brake for a moment as traffic finally progressed forward, only to settle back to a stop. When he did, he grabbed whatever she was holding out for him and examined it. A cassette tape. Hank Williams. 

 

An involuntary smile crossed his face, and he chuckled. 

 

“You know, this is actually before my time,” he said matter-of-factly. 

 

“It is a winner, though,” he agreed, popping it into the cassette deck. 

 

The truck was old, old enough that he still kept his own cassettes in there for road trips. It only then crossed his mind that maybe she would like to listen to her music from time to time. Especially if her Walkman was dead or it was just them. 

 

He pushed the thought out of his mind as the music began to play. 

 

Ellie’s brows knitted together like the noise was an insult to her existence. 

 

“Better than nothing.”

 

Joel just chuckled and shook his head, setting his free arm against the door and leaning into his hand. He needed sleep. 

 

“Oh, and I’m sure your friend will be missing this tonight,” she piped up. 

 

For a moment, he was too tired to care about whatever nonsense she was spewing, but of course that didn’t stop her from continuing. 

 

“It’s light on the reading, but it’s got some interesting pictures.”

 

That caught his attention. First, another glance in the mirror, and then he was turned halfway around in his seat to confirm she had what he thought she did. 

 

“Ellie, that ain’t- that ain’t for kids,” he said, attempting to grab the magazine from her. 

 

She yanked it away before he could reach, and soon, traffic was moving again. 

 

“Woah!” she shrieked with a laugh. “How- how the hell would he even walk around with that thing?!”

 

Nausea bubbled up in his stomach, and his face pinched in embarrassment. 

 

“Get rid of that-“

 

“Hold your horses! I wanna see what all the fuss is about!”

 

Joel let out a frustrated huff and looked at her in the mirror again. She was silent for a moment, and that only added to his horror. 

 

“Wait… why are all the pages stuck together?”

 

He thought for sure he’d throw up then, and his features dropped and flushed red. 

 

“Uh-“ 

 

He attempted to think of some untrue explanation he could use to avoid literally any part of this conversation, and came up short every time. 

 

Thankfully for him, she busted out laughing and closed the magazine, tossing it on the floorboard.

 

“I’m just fuckin’ with you.”

 

God, that little shit. 

 

Her fit of laughter continued, and eventually she was crawling into the front seat.

 

“Ellie- what the hell are you doin'? Sit down before I hit the brakes and you go flyin’,” he said, grabbing her seatbelt with one hand and strapping her in. 

 

“Relax,” she said. “We’re bonding.”

 

When he looked over at her, she was flashing that same wide smile that Sarah did anytime she won him over about something. The one she’d learned from her dumbass uncle. 

 

“Just- go back to sleep,” he dismissed. 

 

Her lips trilled nonchalantly. 

 

“I’m not even tired.”

 

~

The end of the school year was drawing nearer, only a few more weeks and Ellie would be moving onto the next god forsaken year as a prisoner in the public education system.

 

It wasn’t that she didn’t like learning. In fact, she was extremely curious by nature; it was part of what got her in trouble so often. The problem was that nobody gave a shit how her brain worked and it damn sure wasn’t like every other kid around her. The ones that had parents to nag them about their grades and help them with projects. She asked questions, and people made her feel stupid for not knowing the answers. In all that, she’d learned to only answer what she knew, and that increasingly became less and less. Eventually, she stopped paying attention, and it wasn’t that she was dumb; it was that she wasn’t trying anymore, because they weren’t trying. All that mattered was that she was passing.

 

But she wasn’t.

 

Not entirely, at least.

 

Math moved fast, and next to English, it had been her worst subject since second grade. She wasn’t good with words, and even worse with numbers, so together? She was doomed from the start. 

 

She’d never been able to make it to school early on account of bus schedules, and she sure as hell wasn’t asking Joel for help. He already detested her existence, and she doubted that he could make the time in his strict regimen to do anything extra for her. 

 

That only left Saturday school, which was for delinquents, and not the kind that she was. The kind that had the ability to be good and refused. The kind she couldn’t stand the sight of. Not to mention, it was ten dollars an hour. She couldn’t even afford ten cents an hour.

 

All in all, she was fvcked from every direction. Her only option was to sink or swim, and right now? She was sinking. Hard.

 

The last unit was fun. The puzzle unit, as she and Sarah liked to call it. All she had to do was plug in numbers and watch the rules do the work. She could’ve done it all day long and never got bored, but now was the big guns.

 

The theorems and formulas she was forced to memorize. Area and physics, and things she had no interest in learning about. 

 

“You just had it, El,” Sarah encouraged, her eyes sympathetic in a way that felt like a punch to the gut.

 

It was patronizing, even if it wasn’t meant to be.

 

Why aren’t you getting it? It’s simple.

 

It’s because you’re too fucking stupid to understand basic math.

 

“I know that, fuck, I feel like my brain is melting, Sarah, give me a minute!”

 

Sarah sighed and set the flashcard face up on the table so she could see.

 

“It was x = -b ± √b2-4ac / 2a.”

 

“Oh, sure! Yeah what was I thinking, couple numbers and half the fucking alphabet and I’ll be good to go,” she huffed, leaning back in her chair and itching at her arm.

 

“Ellie…”

 

“Sarah, I’m fucked. That’s it. The final is next week, after that it’s movies and coloring sheets until the last day. I couldn’t figure this out if I tried, and trust me, for once, I’m trying.”

 

There was a beat of silence between them, Sarah’s eyes still glued to the index card.

 

“I could ask Dad if he could-”

 

“Fuck that.”

 

The dismissal came before Sarah could even finish her sentence, which drew out a frustrated sigh.

 

“Well then, what, El? You have to pass, you’ve worked so hard this semester, I’ve seen it, and with everything you’ve been through? I’d argue you’ve had to work ten times as hard just to be on the same level as everyone else. You can’t let that all go to waste.”

 

As much as she hated to admit it, Sarah had a point. She usually did. Sometimes it was endearing, but right now, all it did was make her angry. 

 

The bell rang before she could respond, and she was already shoving loose papers in her backpack.

 

“We’ll talk later,” she said, leaving Sarah in the wind as she flew past the classroom door.

 

~

When Joel was called away from what he was doing at work, it was never for anything good. Usually calls from doctors or the school about Sarah. More often than not, it meant she was sick, and he’d have to call out for the foreseeable future until she got better. The difference here was that there hadn’t been any prior signs. He could always tell when she was going to have a flare-up at least a few days in advance; he’d learned to look for the symptoms, but there hadn’t been any recently. That was what scared him.

 

“Phone call?” he shouted as he stepped down the last rung of the ladder.

 

The leather of his gloves met with a flat smack as he pulled them off his dirt-stained hands.

 

It was only then that he noticed it wasn’t even his boss who’d requested his presence. He’d only assumed because nobody ever came to see him. Occasionally, Tess, but she would’ve called first. No, this was something different entirely.

 

“You’ll have to give her a minute to pack after school, she’s gained a couple belongings since you dumped her on my doorstep. Thanks for that, by the way,” he said, eyes trained on Marlene like she was some mortal enemy.

 

“Joel-” she started, shifting her weight on her feet and crossing her arms.

 

“You left her bleedin’ all over the place. A goddamn human bite mark, A-plus social work, Marlene, you’re doin’ a fantastic job.”

 

“Joel!” she snapped.

 

She wasn’t loud, just stern, which was somehow more effective in convincing him to shut up long enough to say what she was there for.

 

“I need you to give me some more time.”

 

He actually laughed out loud.

 

“Time? Ain’t that what I’ve been giving you?”

 

She sighed and gave some apologetic nod that only served to piss him off more.

 

“I found her a placement, but it fell through. The guy had two DUIs in another state and was arrested for domestic abuse the night she was supposed to go in.”

 

Another laugh.

 

“Holy fuck, I don’t think I have ever met a single soul worse at their job. No wonder the kid is so fucked in the head.”

 

Marlene’s fists balled against her elbows as she tried to quell her temper.

 

“You know, for someone who didn’t want the responsibility of another kid, you sure are invested in her safety.”

 

The words landed like a blow to his windpipe. Some unspeakable betrayal that he couldn’t swallow. He wasn’t invested but as much of an asshole as he was, he wouldn’t pretend like the idea of some kid being beat to hell over a misplaced dish or unmade bed didn’t make him shudder. It didn’t have anything to do with her, it was just decency. 

 

“I just wanna get her somewhere safe,” he finally said, easier than before. 

 

“Then let her stay a little longer while I look for some place she can actually thrive.”

 

There wasn’t much he could say to that. Sure, he could refuse, but he didn’t want that on his conscience, and Sarah would never speak to him again. Neither would Tess.

 

“If she’s stayin’, you’ve gotta understand that Sarah is my first priority, always has been. If it comes down to the one or the other, there’s not a question about it, Marlene, I’ll do what I have to to keep my daughter alive and well.”

 

There was no argument to that. In fact, his statement didn’t leave room for much response at all. Just a brief tension-filled silence that only ended with a nod. 

 

“I’ll call you when I have something.”

 

And that was that.

 

~

 

Rain. 

 

It was something that had always been able to calm Ellie in even the worst moments. Crashes of lightning and claps of thunder that made the ground shake kept her alive in times she felt like she was fading. 

 

That day was no different. 

 

After suffering through three pages of mathematical torture, she’d given up on the rest of the packet. A classwork grade wouldn’t do much to harm her already tanking GPA. Either way, it didn’t matter; it wasn’t like college was an option. She’d be on the streets withering away like her mother. 

 

Sarah tried to help just as she did in class earlier that day, but it was no use. It just wouldn’t stick, and she was making herself sick trying. 

 

Literally. 

 

Ellie was no stranger to stress, but she could usually contain it or spit it back out at someone who deserved it. This was different. It started as a storm of voices ripping her mind to shreds, then she was claustrophobic, anxious, terrified of failing people that certainly didn’t give a damn about her, then before she knew it she was throwing up everything in her system. She was sick for two hours straight, and Joel still wasn’t home from work.

 

Mostly, she was glad he wasn’t. She didn’t feel like being scolded for it, but Sarah had taken care of her like some stand-in sister. Ellie would never admit it, but she was grateful.

 

Now, she was curled up in the windowsill watching it rain, her arms hugging her stomach like it would stop all of the feelings from bleeding out of her.

 

Sarah was curled up in her bed with a book, bundled up in a mountain of blankets. 

 

Her hair was pulled back into a low bun, and a flat, white book light was pressed to the page she wasn’t reading. 

 

It was moments like those that Ellie wondered just how the gears in that girl’s mind twisted. She was never bothered, never angry, or sad. Maybe every once in a while, she had an angsty moment like every other sixteen-year-old girl in existence, but overall, she just had a peace about her that she’d never observed in another individual. 

 

“Sparkling water helps, or ginger ale. Couldn’t tell you why, but it does,” Sarah suggested, not looking up from her read. 

 

Ellie considered the thought for a moment. At first, there was a distasteful pull of her lip, and she hugged her stomach a little tighter. Then she remembered if anyone knew anything about an upset stomach, it was going to be Sarah Miller.

 

Her face softened back into defeat, and she nodded.

 

“Give me a minute and I’ll make you a basket,” Sarah replied, switching off the handheld light and closing her book.

 

“Basket?” Ellie asked, finally looking directly to Sarah.

 

“Yeah, like a belly-ache-bug-out bag. Some stuff to help ease the nausea. Snacks, heating pads, the works,” she started, standing up and moving to grab a suitable container for the project.

 

Ellie shook her head, despite how queasy the motion made her. 

 

“No, you really don’t have to-“ 

 

Before anything else could be said, Sarah was already out of the bedroom door. There was no use in going after her; when she was on a mission, she wouldn’t stop until she was done.

 

~

 

Work had run late that day, and with the disturbance of Marlene showing up, he was not in the mood to deal with any bullshit when he got home. Maybe it was unfair to take his anger of the situation out on the girl; it wasn’t her fault that she was there, but there was still this sort of resentment growing from anxiety-soaked roots that he couldn’t quite get rid of. He’d already decided he would just avoid her, so he didn’t snap. That seemed like the best decision.

 

He was about halfway home when his phone rang. He couldn’t see the caller ID, but he was almost certain he knew who it was.

 

“Listen, I told you I’d give you more time, unless you’ve found a placement or have some grand new revelation about the kid, I don’t feel like talking-”

 

“Joel?”

 

There were very few times in his life Joel could say he’d felt his heart drop to his stomach, but this was one of them.

 

“Tess? Hey, what’s-”

 

“I need to see you.”

 

He felt like he’d just been kicked in the chest. 

 

Not a hello, not some vaguely flirtatious comment, it was frantic, panicked, which Tess never was. Not even in the worst of times. She was rushed, and he couldn’t tell why.

 

“Okay, just- just calm down. What’s wrong?”

 

She skipped over everything he said like he wasn’t speaking English.

 

“Dinner at Murphy’s. Twenty minutes.”

 

Joel shook his head.

 

“Tess, I can’t just leave Sarah and the kid-”

The beep that signalled the disconnect of Tess’s line sounded, and he felt a strange twist in his gut. The kind he got when something was really wrong. Usually, he only got it before Sarah got really sick, but he knew what it felt like, and this was it. Fear? Maybe. Whatever it was, it pressed his foot harder onto the accelerator and flipped up the right turn signal as opposed to the usual left he made to get home.

 

~

 

Within the hour, Sarah had tossed together some gift baskets of soothing goodies that looked much too generous to be hers. 

 

Ellie could count on one hand the number of gifts she’d received in her lifetime. The switchblade from her mother, and maybe Riley’s cassette, if you could count that. 

 

To Sarah, it was some small gesture that didn’t seem to mean much at all. Like it was just a normal thing to be this attentive.

 

“It’s got a little heating stuffie in there, you just put it straight in the microwave for thirty seconds and you’ll be set for an hour or so. Ginger ale and sparkling water, I wasn’t sure which one you wanted, and there’s some nausea medicine in there, headache medicine too. Saltines to settle your stomach, and a brand new pair of fluffy socks that have been sitting in my closet unworn since last Christmas,” she explained, the basket sitting on the bed in front of them.

 

Ellie’s eyes landed on the socks as Sarah introduced them in all of their glory. They were an off-white tone with a sort of glittery tinsel in the wool, and they had a little reindeer face near the ankles. A little red nose and antlers sticking out. Overall, they seemed highly impractical. Maybe that was why Sarah hadn’t bothered to wear them yet, but she’d take what she could get.

 

A muttered thanks was all she could manage.

 

“Sure!”

 

There was a beat of silence, like she didn’t want to ruin the beautiful arrangement of lifelines she hadn’t earned, but after a deep rumbling in her stomach, she decided that the little heated dragon sounded like a holy grail.

 

“I’m gonna go heat this up,” she said, carefully pulling the thing from the basket.

 

“Do you want company?” Sarah asked. “We could lay on the couch and watch a movie until Dad gets home.”

 

The proposal actually didn’t sound too bad. No doubt she’d fall asleep before anything interesting could develop in the plot, but she had a feeling Sarah wouldn’t mind. She was tolerant like that. Tolerant in a way no one else ever had been. No one except Riley.

 

Part of her ached at the idea that she’d never have her back, but part of her found comfort in the similarities between her and Sarah. Even if they were few and far between. In a way, it felt like she still had a piece of her.

 

“Well, come on then,” she said, starting for the door.

 

Though Ellie couldn’t see it, she felt the warmth of Sarah’s giddy smile radiating from behind her. It put her at ease.

~

 

The little bell above the door jingled, declaring his presence before his boots even stomped through the doorway. 

 

His work flannel was draped over his shoulder, and his t-shirt was still stuck to him with sweat in some places. He’d sprayed on some cologne before he left the truck, just to get rid of the putrid smell of a hard day’s work. It was mostly gone… mostly.

 

It took him a second to find Tess. She liked to sit in the booths, tucked away in the corners that weren’t busy. It was more private that way, but that wasn’t why he couldn’t find her, it was because she was sat in the very middle of the place. She had a menu in hand at a little round table that sat four people, and even though her eyes were glued to the pages, he knew she wasn’t reading them. 

 

In the almost five years that he’d known her, he’d never seen her like this. Not once.

 

“Tess?” he called, moving over to the table and sitting down across from her.

 

“You know what you’re getting? I was thinking about a burger. I could use the sodium right now,” she said.

 

Joel’s elbows rested just below the edge of the table, his fingers curling into his palms as he tried to keep his frustration at bay.

 

“I don’t want food, I want to know what’s going on with you.”

 

She didn’t look up.

 

“Might get some cheese curds too, they make the ranch in-house and ship the cheddar from Wisconsin. Good stuff,” she added.

 

“Goddamn it, Tess! If I came out here just to hear you talk about food, I’m turning right back around and walking out that door, I cannot deal with the cryptics right-”

 

“He’s terminal, Joel.”

 

And suddenly, he felt as though he’d been punched in the diaphragm. All of the air in his lungs exited in one breath, and he found it almost impossible to breathe any back in.

 

“They give him a month at most.”

 

Her eyes still hadn’t left the menu. They were glossy, and her eye bags were darker than usual. She was still put together, but she wouldn’t be soon. She was ripping at the seams, and it was enough to make his blood chill with uneasiness.

 

“Christ-” he murmured.

 

Then there was silence. Comforting people was probably the skill he lacked the most. Even the people closest to him. That was probably why most of them couldn’t stand to be around him. Not Sarah’s mother, obviously, not Tommy, sometimes he even wondered about Sarah herself. 

 

“I called Steven to schedule a visit, and you know what he told me?”

 

There was no sense in answering. He knew that she would say what needed to be said.

 

“He said, ‘he’s resting. I don’t think it’s a good idea that we crowd him’.”

 

There wasn’t much that got to him. Joel was a hardened man, he’d gone through enough in his lifetime to form a sort of cocoon around his emotions that protected him from all of the bad shit, but this? It was like a hot knife through butter.

 

“The bastard won’t let me see my son before he dies! I made him! I carried him around, I changed every diaper, stayed up every night in the hospital with him, he wasn’t there for any of it, and he gets to just take him? I can’t imagine how much pain Max is in right now, and I can’t-”

 

The tears started slow. Drops forming on her waterline and trickling down her cheeks like they had the option to fall or not. Then they came faster and soon, she was interrupted by a guttural sob that caught a few glances from onlookers.

 

“Hey-” he started, reaching over to grab her hand.

 

She pulled it away like it burned.

“Don’t! Just- just don’t.”

 

He swallowed his scripted comfort like poison and pretended it didn’t hurt. What could he do? What was there to be done? Nothing he could do would change the fact that Tess’s son was going to die, or that she probably wouldn’t be there when he did. Selfishly, it made him think about Sarah. About Ellie. About what might happen if something happened to Sarah and he had to leave Ellie out on her own. She didn’t deserve that. He wasn’t going to be another neglectful piece of shit for her to deal with, even if that meant sending her back to Marlene. It was about what was best for her.

 

“I need you to take care of her,” Tess managed between cries she was trying to restrain.

 

“Of course. You know there is nothing more important to me than-”

 

“I’m not talking about Sarah.”

 

His empty stomach threatened to grow claws and rake its way up his throat right then and there.

 

“What?”

 

Her gaze finally shifted up to him, and it felt like she was staring straight through him. The whole thing was almost nightmarish.

 

“Ellie. I don’t care how long it takes, you take care of her. You give her the chance she deserves.”

 

“Tess… you know I can’t-”

 

“Yes, you can, Joel! Yes, you can.”

 

Her outburst seemed to draw in the attention of everyone around them, and he fought the urge to pull her out of the place before they could cause any more of a scene.

 

“Okay,” he agreed, even if he didn’t mean it.

 

She needed to hear what she needed to hear, and right now, calming her down was his biggest priority.

 

“Promise me.”

 

There it was. The moment which made this all too serious to play off as some lapse of emotion. He didn’t often break his promises, and he tried his best never to break ones he made to her, but even still. He couldn’t do this. He knew he couldn’t and he wouldn’t try.

 

“I promise,” he said, the words bitter on his tongue.

 

She knew it wasn’t real. She must’ve; either way, she just sank back into her seat and accepted his words.

 

“Do you want to ride home with me? Sarah would be glad to see you,” he offered.

 

The same blank stare she’d bestowed upon the menu had returned to her face, features somehow flatter than her tone.

 

“No. I’m gonna go home, give her my best.”

 

He gave a sharp nod in place of a response, and then he just lingered there a while. He was caught somewhere between a strong urge to run out the door without so much as glancing back and staying there all night, making sure she was okay. She wasn’t. She wouldn’t be. Not for a long time, maybe not ever. He knew her well enough to know that much.

 

“That means go, Joel.”

 

It was clipped, harsh. A command that he couldn’t do anything but respect.

 

“Okay,” he said, standing up from his seat with some resistance from his knees.

 

“I’m here if-”

 

“Go! Please, for the love of God, go.”

 

And he did. He didn’t turn around, he didn’t think twice, hell, he didn’t even think once. He beelined it to the door and swung it open with unintended force.

 

As he reached the truck, he couldn’t shake the finality of her tone. It was ominous, and it made him feel like he shouldn’t be leaving her alone, but he knew her, and he knew that he wasn’t talking her down while she was like this. She needed her space. He just hoped she came to her senses before she spiraled out of control.

~ 

 

“What?! It just ends like that?

 

Ellie sat up on her elbow, looking up at Sarah, who was smiling something devious.

 

“Sure does,” she said, like she’d been waiting for that reaction from the moment she pressed play on the DVD.

 

“Do we know what happens to her? She just runs off with the kids? Do they survive? Where do they go from there?”

 

“Don’t know. They never say. Maybe in the comics, but Dad would probably be the better person to ask. X-Men is his thing, I just tag along ‘cause it makes him real happy.”

 

Ellie felt her heart tighten at that. What a foreign concept. Loving someone so much that you’d sit through something you have no interest in just to see them smile. Was that what having a parent was like?

 

“Alright, well, I’m bored now,” she said, playing off her former thoughts like they’d never existed at all.

She pushed up off the couch, discarding the dragon and fluffy blanket, and making her way wherever her eyes took her. 

 

“Well, what next then? I could put on another movie,” Sarah suggested.

 

Before she could list off anything else, Ellie had already found her way to the bottom of the staircase, grazing her hands over the dusty strings of a guitar. It looked forgotten to time, like a decoration meant only for display.

 

“It’s Dad’s. He doesn’t play anymore, though. Not since I’ve gotten older.”

 

There was an air of sadness in her voice that picked at Ellie more than she cared to admit. 

 

“Do you know how to play?” Sarah asked, watching as Ellie carefully picked up the guitar and brought it over to the couch.

 

“No. No, I never really… had access to things like these.”

 

Sarah nodded, moving past it without question.

 

“Here, let me,” she offered, holding out her arms for Ellie to hand her the instrument.

 

Ellie passed it over and watched as Sarah got to work on tuning it.

 

“I don’t know much, he only ever taught me one song. Mostly it was just him singing to me when I feel bad,” she said, working on the A string.

 

“Joel sings?” Ellie asked, eyes wide like the answer might bite her.

 

Sarah’s face lit up with memories, but she didn’t take her eyes off the strings.

 

“Oh yeah, like a songbird. He has a beautiful voice, but he’d never let anyone hear it ‘cept for me.”

 

That tugged an unwanted smile onto Ellie’s face, and the force it took to hide it only reddened her cheeks with embarrassment. She would never say it out loud, but her mind wandered to the idea of Joel singing some old country tune. Maybe on a night when everything else was falling apart. Maybe it could be comforting-- she forced the idea out of her mind as Sarah strummed an open chord just to make sure she’d gotten the tuning right.

 

“Well,” Ellie urged.

 

Sarah chuckled and cleared her throat.

 

“Alright, alright--”

 

Her fingers formed a simple chord, and she began to pluck a tune. It was one that might’ve been vaguely familiar, but not enough for her to name.

 

“If I ever were to lose you…” she began, her voice clutching onto Ellie’s rib cage and stealing the breath right out of her.

 

Even just the first few notes pricked tears at her eyes, and she had to blink an alarming amount of times just to get them to settle.

 

Somewhat to both her dismay and thankfulness, Sarah’s song was interrupted by the front door swinging open with a force that either meant they were in trouble or Joel was mad at the world.

 

“Hey…” Sarah started, leaning the guitar against the coffee table next to her.

 

“Hey, baby, you packed?” he asked, keeping his eyes on anything but the two of them.

 

Sarah’s eyes widened, and Ellie quirked a brow in confusion.

 

“Oh, shoot! I haven’t started, Daddy, I’m sorry,” she said, mentally kicking herself for forgetting.

 

“It’s alright. Just get started, yeah? We gotta leave early in the mornin’.”

 

“I’m sorry, did I miss something?” Ellie finally chimed in.

 

Joel peeled his eyes from whatever thought he was stuck on and looked over at her.

 

“Sarah’s got a clinical trial down in Pittsburgh. It’s early Saturday morning, so we’re gonna get going tomorrow and check into the hotel,” he explained.

 

Her heart sank a little at that. We. Not including her. Why would it? But that wasn’t exactly the time to be selfish. Sarah’s health was the most important thing, she knew that, and she agreed. She loved Sarah, and she wanted her to be okay, but--

 

“Am I staying with Tess?” she asked.

 

Joel’s chest almost visibly tightened at the mention of her, and Ellie instinctively scooted back on the couch a bit.

 

“No, you’re going with us. I already talked to Marlene. The doctor will get you a school note. Pack your stuff and go to sleep right after.”

Notes:

This story tears me apart to write and yet I love it. Also I got an idea for another Last of Us AU based loosely on Yellowstone. Lmk if you guys would be interested. Anyways, as always, thank you so much for reading, lmk what you thought in the comments!

Chapter 18: Someday I’m Gonna Be Somebody People Want

Summary:

PITTSBURGH BABY ~ coffee and puns. Good for the soul.

Steam rose up from under the truck, painting the hazards in a golden hue, beckoning for assistance. The radio was still humming the tune of Alone and Forsaken and Sarah and Ellie were still sat in the backseat as Joel figured everything out.

 

It had been a pretty nasty wreck, but thankfully nobody was hurt. The front of the truck was pretty smashed up and the other car was dented on the side, but no injuries.

 

“He looks pissed,” Ellie said, eyes glued to the man out the window.

 

“I’ve seen him angrier. I think he’s just upset its setting us back.”

 

That made sense. The trip to Pittsburgh was pretty important. Sarah was getting a new treatment that would hopefully lengthen the time between her flare ups. If all went well, it might even slow them enough to become rare. She’d been enlightened that that was wishful thinking, however, and tried not to get her hopes too high.

 

“I’m sure we’ll still be able to make it to check in just fine. We could probably catch a bus.”

 

Ellie nodded, and before any more conversation could be had, the door on Sarah’s side swung open.

 

“Alright, y’all grab your stuff. The tow truck is gonna take it to a shop. Hopefully they’ll have it fixed by Sunday. Till then we’ll take the bus.”

 

Ellie gave a slightly amused look to Sarah and nodded at the accuracy of her prediction.

 

“Good call,” she said, tossing her book bag over her shoulder.

 

Sarah laughed out loud and did the same, scooting out of her seat and allowing Ellie to follow closely behind.

 

“We’ll walk to the hotel, it’s just up the road there,” he said, tilting his head toward the sign that stuck out just enough for them to see in the distance.

 

“‘Kay,” Ellie agreed, tightening the straps on her backpack and starting in that direction.

 

Joel grabbed his own bag out of the truck bed and followed closely behind the two of them.

 

“Can we stop for coffee?” Sarah asked.

 

Ellie’s nose scrunched in protest which only elicited another giggle from Sarah.

 

“I could go for an energy boost,” Joel agreed.

 

So it was settled then, halfway between that step and the hotel was some old school cafe called Java Jak. The smell was enough to make Ellie’s stomach churn before they even got through the door.

 

As they stepped into the line, Joel plucked a couple bills from his wallet and directed his attention to the menu.

 

“You kids get what you want, I’m just gettin’ coffee,” he said.

 

Sarah flashed an excited grin over to Ellie like the cup of coffee she’d inevitably slurp down had been lying in wait for her since she was born.

 

“I’ll just take a breakfast sandwich,” she said, responding to the question Sarah didn’t have to speak to ask.

 

As the words fell from her lips there was a cold air that washed over her and gave her the urge to shrink back into herself. She was asking for something, albeit food, and she’d been offered it, but still she felt like a nuisance; like she was taking up too much space.

 

Her thoughts were moving faster than her awareness, and by the time she reached the counter she felt like she’d forgotten how to speak English.

 

“I’ll take a small black coffee, hot,” Joel said, looking over to Sarah.

 

“I’ll do a caramel macchiato, iced, and a ham and swiss croissant.”

 

Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat and glanced at the menu for a moment.

 

“I’ll have a bacon and cheese croissant please, extra cheese.”

 

The cashier chuckled a bit and nodded.

 

“Bacon extra cheese, got it. Anything else?”

 

“A bottle of water, and that’ll be it,” Joel chimed in.

 

“Alright, that’ll be 21.97.”

 

Joel slipped the man a 20 and a 10 and waved a hand that meant keep the receipt and the change. He probably didn’t want any reminders of how outrageous of a purchase he’d just made.

 

“I’ll pay you back…” Ellie muttered, a twinge of shame lacing her voice.

 

“With whose money? Sit,” he said, taking his own seat in a cushioned chair near a small round table.

 

It was almost a living room set up, two arm chairs on either side of the table. Sarah and Ellie sat beside each other, across from Joel.

 

“Besides,” Sarah added. “We’ve spent more when it was just us, and with Tess? We always have to split the bill.”

 

Ellie caught the way Joel tensed up when Sarah mentioned Tess. It wasn’t the usual faded blush on his sun damaged skin or excess blink that insinuated he didn’t want to think about how much he thought about her. This was different. Worrisome, but she didn’t push it.

 

“Still, it’s insane to spend that much on-”

 

She was cut off when their order was brought over by a barista and sat on the table in front of them.

 

“Thanks!” Sarah said.

 

Ellie adjusted in her seat and allowed the other two to grab their meals first before reluctantly snatching up her sandwich like some feral street cat claiming scraps.

 

Joel pulled the lid off of his coffee to start in on it and Ellie gagged. 

 

“Jesus Christ. it smells like burnt shit!”

 

The exclamation gained them a few sidelong glances from people passing through and Joel’s brow hung low in unamusement.

 

When he didn’t offer a response, she began to eat, taking chunks out of it at a time with little regard to the flakes of the pasty caught in the corners of her mouth.

 

“I- slow down, kid. It’s yours, and it’s not going anywhere,” he finally said. “And drink some of that water, you’re dehydrated.”

 

Ellie’s face scrunched in confusion.

 

“Dehydrated? How can you tell?” she asked, still finishing up her previous bite of food.

 

Joel sighed and shook his head at the sight.

 

“Your lips are bleeding, splitting every time you open your mouth, which is a god awful amount, and your eyes are sunken to hell. More than usual. Drink.”

 

“Awe,” Ellie started, feigning endearment. “You noticed.”

 

Joel rolled his eyes and continued to sip on his coffee.

 

As much as she played it off, she was pleasantly surprised that Joel paid enough attention to her to notice something as small as her being dehydrated. Nobody had ever cared enough. If she got a headache she slept it off or just let it linger until it went away. If she got hungry she thought of other things until she didn’t feel sick anymore. That was just how she lived. This was foreign… but she didn’t hate it. Not entirely at least.

 

“This is good. The two of you, I mean,” Sarah interjected.

 

Joel grumbled an unintelligible response, and Ellie didn’t say anything at all. Even so, Sarah felt the beginnings of something good rooting in the air; something that would follow them well beyond the coffee shop.

 

~

“Woah…”

 

Joel watched as Ellie’s eyes dragged over everything except the path in front of her.

 

“Watch where you’re steppin’ ‘fore you fall and bust your damn head open,” he huffed.

 

She rolled her eyes.

 

“Sir, yes sir.”

 

The check in went smoothly, but cleaning services were still fixing up their room, so Joel took a seat on a bench in the corner of the lobby. Sarah opted to sit next to him and Ellie explored within close range.

 

“You ever stayed at a place like this before?” Ellie asked curiously.

 

There was something about the tone in her voice that compelled Joel to answer rather than shutting her out.

 

“Like this? Nah, this would usually be too rich for my blood, but Sarah’s insurance covered it for the weekend.”

 

“Woah, that had to be like- a bagillion dollars. They do that?”

 

Joel shrugged. 

 

“Sometimes. Depends on the situation.”

 

Ellie nodded and quickly decided that exploring was too boring. After another minute or so she plopped down next to Sarah and pulled off her backpack.

 

“Alright, time to lighten the mood.”

 

“Wha-”

 

Before he could ask or protest, Ellie unzipped the front pocket of her bookbag and pulled out her trusty sidekick: No Pun Intended: Volume Too.

 

“I tried to catch some fog earlier…”

 

“No.”

 

“I mist,” she said, giggling to herself.

 

“Don’t start.”

 

“Do you know what’s not right?”

 

“Ellie-”

 

“Left!”

 

She and Sarah both bursted into a fit of laughter and Joel looked around the place like they might be arrested for it. 

 

“I’m literally begging you to stop.”

 

Ellie’s laughter died out and she closed the book.

 

“Alright, but I’ve got more. Eventually. You can never escape Will Livingston.”

 

Joel sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose the way he always did when he felt a migraine coming on. That girl triggered them more than pressure did and there was a lot of that in Boston.

 

“You’re a weird kid.”

 

“You’re a weird kid.”

 

Thankfully for him, a clerk came around the corner and offered to bring their luggage up to the room.

 

“You guys are welcome to settle in whenever you’re ready, you’ll be in 324 on the third floor.”

 

Joel gave a grateful nod and herded the children to the elevator. If one thing was for certain, it was that he needed a nap.

 

~

 

Ellie pushed the pillow around her ears, gritting her teeth and doing her best not to lose every ounce of sanity she had left.

 

“Oh my god, Sarah, please wake him up before I claw my ears off my face,” Ellie huffed, rolling over on her side.

 

“I couldn’t if I tried,” Sarah replied, only slightly less irritated.

 

“He seriously needs to have that checked out, I didn’t think it was humanly possible to snore that loud. It’s like he’s got a fucking speaker in his chest.”

 

Sarah sat up in her bed and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. It was night now, though in the early hours. It wasn’t like they could go out on their own, so they’d have to improvise a distraction.

 

“There’s hot cocoa by the coffee maker. Wanna sit on the porch for a while?” Sarah suggested.

 

“Yes, god, anything is better than this,” she replied, throwing the covers off and pattering over to the sliding glass door to the balcony. 

 

“I’ll be out there in a sec,” Sarah called, moving towards the coffee machine. 

 

Ellie didn’t feel the need to throw out another word, instead she slipped out the door and closed it behind her, sinking down into the cushion of the arm chair.

 

There was something refreshing about the air of the night brushing over her burning cheeks. They got that way when she was upset. Or sad. Or happy. Anyway, it was nice to have a second to settle in. Everything had been so full speed since she’d gotten to the Miller house. Aside from her time with Sarah the day before, she hadn’t gotten a chance to relax. It was nice. 

 

“Is the parking lot really that interesting?”

 

Ellie peeled her eyes away from whatever distant object they were fixated on and turned to see Sarah as she sat down in the chair beside her. She took the mug that was presented to her and offered somewhat of a crooked smile.

 

“Beats Joel’s super sonic slumber.”

 

Sarah snorted a laugh and Ellie huffed a smaller one, taking a careful, tiny sip of the cocoa.

 

“It’s pretty out here.”

 

It was only then that Ellie realized where the pit in her stomach had come from. The street lamp over the parking lot below. It was precisely the same orange glow that radiated outside her window at her group home every night. The same one that shone over the park the night that Riley…

 

“Yeah,” she agreed quietly.

 

There was a beat of silence and though she couldn’t see it, she could feel the concerned expression growing on Sarah’s face.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

There it was. Number two on her list of most dreaded questions to answer. 

 

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

 

The answer was less convincing than she’d meant it to be, but it wouldn’t have mattered. Sarah could sniff out sorrow like some kind of hunting dog.

 

“Okay…”

 

For a second, Ellie thought she might’ve won. Maybe Sarah was too tired to rifle through the possibilities of where her mind could be.

 

“It’s just that you don’t seem okay.”

 

Maybe not.

 

“How so?”

 

Sarah clicked her teeth like she was physically forming the explanation in her mouth.

 

“You get this… look, sometimes. The look that means you’re thinking about something. Not the kind of something that makes you mad, like math, but the kind that means you’re missin’ somethin’ real hard. Or someone.”

 

The words felt like a bullet straight to the chest. How did she always know these things? How could she just sense them?

 

“I’m fine,” she reiterated, more stern this time.

 

“Okay,” Sarah replied, backing off and sinking into her seat.

 

That only made the guilt in Ellie’s chest grow. 

 

“I just…” she started. “How is it that you’re so okay all of the time?”

 

That seemed to take Sarah by surprise. She turned her head, the wind rustling through her golden brown coils and framing her face like a watercolor painting, soft and sure.

 

“Who said that I was?”

 

“Nobody, but I don’t ever see you not okay.”

 

Sarah scoffed like it was funny and took a sip of her own drink.

 

“You do, all the time, you just don’t notice it.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“‘Cause I’ve gotten real good at hidin’ it.”

 

It never occurred to her that maybe she’d misjudged Sarah, that maybe she wasn’t some ray of sunshine personified. Maybe they were more alike than either of them knew. She was starting to see that now more than ever and she wasn't sure how she was supposed to deal with it.

 

“Why? I mean, what reason do you have to hide it? Joel would-”

 

“Ellie, my dad and I are not some fairy-tale father daughter Disney movie.”

 

She was quiet at that. All she could do was listen, let the cold air carry the truth over both of them.

 

“There is so much that you don’t know, that you don’t see. I love him, and he loves me, but there are just some things that-”

 

She paused, and Ellie felt the weight of it like a bag of bricks.

 

“How ‘bout this, what are you afraid of?”

 

The tone shift felt like emotional whiplash. It was almost a whole 180 and it took Ellie a moment to think about how to answer.

 

“Shit…uh…I don’t fuckin’ know, scorpions?”

 

Sarah gave her the narrow eye side glance that meant she was calling bullshit and Ellie nodded.

 

“Yeah,” she paused.

 

Then the horrible urge to be honest surged through her veins like sodium pentothal and she couldn’t stop the words from coming out.

 

“Being by myself…”

 

She let the words linger in the air like that would soothe the afterburn of saying them.

 

“I’m scared of ending up alone… like my mom.”

 

Sarah nodded.

 

“What about you?”

 

The other shrugged and took a long sip of her cocoa.

 

“Ending up lonely… like my dad.”

 

Ellie felt a sudden sting in her eyes and did her best to blink away the pestilent sadness that crept into her mind.

 

“What about Tess?”

 

Sarah chuckled something pitiful and nodded.

 

“You know, when I was a little girl, I used to hope and pray for a mom. Dad and Uncle Tommy did an amazing job with what they had, but there was always that part of me that wanted more. Then Tess came along and I thought… maybe… but he did what he’s done with everyone else in his life, me included. He pushed her away, and kept pushing her away. They’ve been friends for five years, together for about three, and he still won’t even remotely acknowledge her as a partner. He’s so terrified of something happening to me that he’s let it kill everything around him--”

 

“Sarah--”

 

“I know it’s not my fault, not really, but if it weren’t for me he wouldn’t be the way he is.”

 

“Sarah, if it weren’t for you he wouldn't be alive right now.”

 

That caught in her throat long enough for her to quiet and let Ellie finish.

 

“I haven’t known either of you very long, but I see it in literally everything that he does, it's all for you. That doesn’t make it okay, he’s a severely fucked up individual and he needs therapy, but you don’t need me to tell you how much he loves you.”

 

The silence that followed was thick in the air, cut into strips by the howling of the wind and swathing them both in thoughts they didn’t want.

 

“You know… for what it's worth? As long as I’m around you won’t be like him… lonely, I mean.”

 

Their eyes locked in a moment of recognition and Sarah didn’t try to dismiss the glossiness in her eyes.

 

“Well then, as long as I’m around you won’t be alone.”

 

Ellie nodded. It was real, thankful, something tender and magnetic. As much as she’d trained herself never to get too close to anyone or anything, she was beginning to hope more and more that this could last. 

 

“I like that.”

 

~

 

The doctor’s office lighting was cool and sterile. It was unsettling and the air smelled too clean for a place people went when they were sick. It was creepy, but Ellie kept her composure, for Sarah. This was big for her, and Ellie wasn’t going to let anything ruin that.

 

Joel was sitting in a chair on the opposite side of Sarah, who wielded some sketchbook Ellie had yet to have the privilege of seeing.

 

“I didn’t know you drew,” Ellie whispered.

 

Sarah smiled, but didn’t take her eyes away from the lines her pencil was creating.

 

“I didn’t know you cared.”

 

Ellie felt a sort of flutter in her chest that she only ever got with Sarah. The kind that reminded her somebody cared about her now. Not in the same way Riley had, this was almost familial, it had been unsettling for so long and now it was beginning to feel like the back of her hand. A memory she couldn’t wait to relive.

 

“Well now you do.”

 

Sarah glanced over at her with an amused expression before turning back to her work.

 

“Draw me,” Ellie added.

 

Sarah laughed out loud at that, and the red in her cheeks flared when she realized how loud she’d been.

 

“I don’t do faces,” she said.

 

Ellie trilled her lips in a sound that meant something like preposterous and leaned back in her seat.

 

“Practice makes perfect doesn’t it?”

 

Sarah rolled her eyes at that.

 

“Yeah, I’ll get to work on that,” she teased.

 

Ellie stuck her tongue out in playful protest, but was interrupted by the clicking of doors and beeping of badge detectors.

 

“Sarah Miller?”

 

Sarah’s head snapped up in the direction of the voice, and she was on her feet faster than Ellie had ever seen anyone move. It was instinct, and for some reason that only added to the uneasiness of the environment.

 

“You all can follow me,” the nurse said, sporting an inviting smile that did not make Ellie feel any more welcome.

 

Sarah gave a polite nod and Ellie followed behind her and the nurse like a lost puppy. Joel trailed them closely.

 

“We’re gonna get your height and weight and then we’ll go ahead and get you situated in the infusion room.”

 

Infusion room. It sounded so dystopian, so doom-filled and evil. Ellie’s feet dragged on the tile as Sarah completed her checklist of pre-treatment housekeeping.

 

After another thirty minutes or so of vitals and questions, they were settled into a room with a few other patients. There were tvs and comfortable chairs, it was a nicer setup than the waiting room or any of the other offices Ellie had ever had the displeasure of being trapped in, but there was still a weariness that wouldn’t fade.

 

“How are you feeling, is it working?” she asked eagerly.

 

Sarah was in her seat, the IV was taped into her arm, fluid dripping just loud enough to drive her crazy. She leaned her head against the back of the chair and closed her eyes.

 

“I just started, El,” she said, barely above a whisper.

 

She seemed sicker. Maybe that was her imagination.

 

“You’re lookin’ a little pale, babygirl, you doin’ okay?” Joel asked quietly.

 

It was the first time Ellie had paid enough attention to him to acknowledge that he’d spoken.

 

“Yeah, just a little nauseous, not bad though. I’ll be alright,” she assured.

 

“Okay, but remember what the doctor said, let them know if it gets bad or if you start feeling hot.”

 

Sarah squeezed her eyes closed a bit tighter and nodded.

 

“I know.”

 

Joel didn’t push the subject, and Ellie kept her eyes permanently glued to Sarah like she might disappear if she looked anywhere else. Maybe she would. Riley had.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

Both Ellie and Joel had been so focused on Sarah that they barely registered the unfamiliar voice at first. Ellie was the first to look up, then Joel.

 

“My brother over there, he noticed that your girl looked a little pale. He wanted you to know that when the medicine makes him nauseous he reclines the seat a little and small sips of cold water help to settle his stomach. If it gets really bad you can ask for some nausea medicine.”

 

In her confusion, Ellie stayed silent, but Joel spoke up, protective and sharp.

 

“Thanks, but I think we’ve got it.”

 

Sarah kept her eyes squeezed shut, reaching over toward Ellie who immediately offered up her hand for Sarah to hold onto.

 

“Recline the seat please, and some water,” Sarah muttered.

 

Ellie’s own stomach churned as she heard the queasiness in Sarah’s voice. She didn’t hesitate to recline the seat and Joel quickly rose to go retrieve a foam cup of water from the corner of the room.

 

“What can I do?” Ellie asked, panicked, holding onto Sarah’s hand like a lifeline.

 

She just shook her head and kept her eyes shut.

 

When Joel returned with the water and held it to her lips for her to drink, slipping one hand beneath her head just so she didn’t choke on it.

 

“This will help her?” 

 

The mystery man nodded.

 

“It works for him,” he said, tilting his head toward another patient.

 

The boy was little. He couldn’t have been more than eight. His hair was short and pulled against his head in coils like Sarah’s but much tighter. His skin was a cool toned brown and he had on this little orange eye mask that made him look like something out of a comic.

 

There was some time between his sentence and the next words uttered, but they were Sarah’s.

 

“Thank you,” she muttered quietly.

 

“Sure.”

 

Ellie looked back to the man. He was tall, looked to be in his late twenties, and bore a striking resemblance to the child in the seat. It made sense considering he’d said they were brothers, but the kid looked more like his son.

 

“I’m Henry, that’s my brother Sam. He just started treatments here last week.”

 

“Thank you, Henry,” Sarah said quietly.

 

The image was almost pitiful and Ellie felt desperate to fix it. She didn’t understand how something that was supposed to make her better could make her feel worse and she was just supposed to trust it.

 

“Of course. I’ll let you rest, but let me know if you need anything else.”

 

Ellie nodded like the offer had been extended to her, and watched as he returned to his brother. Soon her eyes snapped back to Sarah and she squeezed her hand a little.

 

“How are you feeling? Any better?” 

 

“A little. I think I just need to rest while this goes.”

 

Ellie nodded again.

 

“Okay.”

 

As Sarah settled into the seat and drifted off to sleep, Ellie laid her head on the arm of the chair next to Sarah’s arm, still holding onto her hand. She wouldn’t let go until she knew she was okay.

 

~

 

And she didn’t. Joel watched from Sarah’s other side as the girl, the one who was never supposed to be there, who was never supposed to get this close, held onto Sarah like she’d fall apart if anything happened to her. This was something he’d only ever seen once in his life, and he tried his damndest to forget as much of it as his brain would let him.

 

He didn’t voice his own worries. He didn’t want to worry Sarah, or Ellie for that matter, though that ship was sailed.

 

When the treatments were over, Sarah’s paleness was still there. Joel did his best to hide the heat and claminess in his palms; dead skin pilling from how much he’d dragged his thumb over it in some self soothing compulsion.

 

She looked like she had when she’d first gotten sick. 

 

“Hey, sweetheart, you’re all done.”

 

The voice of a nurse pulled him from his thoughts and he looked up as she gently shook Sarah awake.

 

Sarah mumbled something unintelligible and stretched her limbs like she’d just woken from a thousand year sleep.

 

“Hey, baby, you feelin’ okay?” he asked when she was awake enough to answer.

 

“Much better,” she agreed.

 

He caught the sigh of relief that Ellie let out when she spoke. He didn’t say anything about it though, it wasn’t important then. What was important was that Sarah was okay.

 

“Alright, you are all set, my love! You’ll come back in a few weeks, we’ll do a check up, and plan your next infusion,” she said gently.

 

Sarah nodded with a sleepy smile and stood up.

 

Joel stood up with her, determining she looked a little woozy. He didn’t want her to fall and hurt herself on accident.

 

“You heard the boss,” Joel said somewhat playfully, gently urging Sarah onward.

 

She only moved a few steps before stopping and turning to look at the little boy who was finishing up his treatment. The one who’s brother was Henry.

 

It didn’t take her long to walk over. 

 

“Hi… I just wanted to say thank you again. You guys are real life savers.”

 

The little boy smiled politely, but he didn’t respond, leaving some awkward air that neither of the Millers or Ellie knew how to fill.

 

It wasn’t until Henry walked over, styrofoam cup in hand, that Sarah was enlightened on why the child hadn’t answered her.

 

“She says thank you, and that you’re a lifesaver,” Henry signed.

 

Sam’s smile brightened and he gave a nod that meant something slightly more cheerful than you’re welcome. 

 

Sarah picked up quickly and remembered the time she took ASL in middle school as an elective.

 

“My name is Sarah,” she signed.

 

“I’m Sam, this is Henry. He’s my brother.”

 

Sarah smiled.

 

“I met him earlier. I was a little tired though,” she signed. “I’m Sarah. This is my… this is Ellie, and my dad Joel.”

 

Sam’s eyes seemed to sparkle in the dim fluorescent lighting and he nodded.

 

“Nice to meet you.”

 

“Nice to meet you too.”

 

Sarah’s eyes drifted up to Henry.

 

“Could you ask him when his next appointment is? My sign is pretty limited,” she said sheepishly.

 

Henry offered her a gentle smile and crouched down to his brother’s size.

 

“She wants to know when your next appointment is.”

 

Sam seemed to process the information for a moment longer than everything else and there was a raising of his hands accompanied by a pause.

 

“June… 12th, I think.”

 

Henry nodded.

 

“He says June 12th.”

 

“Well then, I hope to see him when I come back.”

 

The small wrinkles in the corners of Henry’s eyes creased as his grin widened and he again translated.

 

“She wants to see you again next time.”

 

This time there was no hesitation.

 

“Tell her I want to see her again too. Her and her… Ellie,” he signed, half joking.

 

Henry chuckled and decided to not directly repeat what had been signed.

 

“He says he hopes to see you and your folks again as well.”

 

Sarah gave a cheerful, but final nod, signed a quick goodbye and one last thanks again before exiting the infusion room. Despite her residual nausea, she felt pretty good. That was a win.

 

~

 

The rest of the time in Pittsburgh had been some of the best in her life. Even if Joel refused to smile at anything except for Sarah on occasion, she’d eaten more food on that trip than she probably had in her whole life. In isolated sittings as least. She’d even been allowed some money for personal spending which felt like the Christmas she’d never gotten.

 

Her and Sarah spent a good chunk of their money buying matching Build-A-Bears. They were regular teddy bears modeled after each other. They’d even chosen scents that reminded each other of one another, and heartbeats. The best part, though, was the hidden messages they’d stuffed in the paws. They recorded messages for each other that the other wasn’t allowed to hear until a moment when they actually needed to hear it. The low moments when they might not have the other’s company to pick them back up. They were making good on the promises they’d made on the balcony, and it was fleeting.

 

They were both devastated when they had to return home, but Ellie found herself with this sort of renewed will to succeed. So much so that in the days that followed, she stayed up to ungodly hours of the night teaching herself math with Youtube videos and textbooks Sarah had procured for her. In fact, Sarah tutored her at the dining table while they ate dinner some nights.

 

The whole thing was sickening and stressful, and made her want to rage quit every couple of problems, but with the final approaching she wasn’t looking to stop.

 

All the blood, sweat, and tears culminated to the moment her exam was returned.

 

She was sitting in Mr. Massino’s class, directly across from Sarah as always. One hand was wrapped in Sarah’s, clutching her knuckles like she was the one who determined the outcome.

 

“Rip the bandaid off, El, just flip it over,” she urged.

 

But the thing was, it wasn’t a bandaid, it was either a cork or a bullet. Either she passed and it plugged the hole of failure that was seeping out onto everything she touched, or she failed and it punctured the rest of her pride. 

 

“Okay,” she said, drawing in a deep breath.

 

As soon as she exhaled she flipped the paper over, and nearly jumped ten feet in the air.

 

“Holy shit, I passed! Sarah, I passed!”

 

Sarah’s face lit up and she looked down at the red circled number in the top right corner of the page.

 

It read 78.

 

“78, Ellie, that's almost a B!” Sarah squealed excitedly, jumping up to meet her in a hug.

 

“Sit down, Ms. Miller.”

 

The voice felt like a hot knife, slicing through the joy of their moment. Both of their hearts sank into their stomachs, and Sarah pulled away.

 

“Yes sir,” she said, sitting back down in her chair.

 

“And you, Williams. Office, now.”

Notes:

This may seem like a happy chapter on the surface, but just wait until later chapters when this is referenced 😈. Anyways, I hope you liked it! As always if you did leave a comment and let me know!

Chapter 19: Spring Into Summer

Summary:

It’s official, Sarah and Ellie are sisters. But does Joel know that? (No. No he doesn’t.) Also, where the hell is Tess?

This would be the second time Joel had been called to the school that year, and both times had involved Ellie. He was starting to see a pattern that he didn’t like; one that reinforced his urge to send her back to Marlene despite the deal he’d made to keep her longer and his promise to Tess, who was still MIA. 

 

It was the week before they got out of school for god’s sake. How much trouble could one person get into, and even better, how much time did these people have to spend making house calls. Maybe if they spent more time watching the kids they wouldn’t have these problems.

 

The front door of the school building invited him in with a click and he flung the door open like it was made of plywood. Today was not the day, there never would be an acceptable day for that place to take up his patience.

 

“Miller, here for a conference.”

 

The lady at the front desk eyed him for a moment, like he might be the scummiest person to ever disgrace the halls of that glorified prison. 

 

“ID?”

 

Her voice was deadpan, and unpleasantly reminded him of the DMV. Either way, he pulled out his wallet and handed her his ID without saying a word.

 

She scanned it, and handed it back to him. From there, it was monotonous instructions on where to go and what to do when he got to that he half ignored. When the next door clicked, he made his way to the conference room which was propped open waiting for him.

 

Inside, was Ellie, sitting across from some face he’d never seen before, staring at the table like it could speak for her.

 

“Are you Joel Miller? Ms. Williams’s guardian?”

 

Joel looked over the man. He was tall, lanky, sporting a too big shirt and too tight pants, and his belt didn’t quite sit the way it was supposed to. His shoes were nice, but scuffed. Altogether the appearance of a man who liked to look like he had a clue, but never actually did. His spikey blond hair and bright blue eyes only seemed to add to the image.

 

“That’d be me.”

 

“Why don’t you take a seat?”

 

“What is it with you people and seats?” Joel asked, referring to the first time he’d had to come down there for a conference outside of Sarah’s medical plans.

 

The man looked at him with some stupid expression, and Joel pulled out a chair one down from Ellie.

 

“I’ve got to be honest, Mr. Miller, I’m concerned about your daughter’s behavior.

 

Both Ellie and Joel asserted a corrective he’s/she’s not my dad/daughter, and the other threw his hands up in surrender. 

 

“Miss Williams’s behavior is concerning.”

 

Ellie scoffed.

 

“Oh, give me a fucking break, what’s concerning is the amount of people doing drugs in the bathroom and all you ever have time to deal with is tattle tale teachers who like to start shit with teenagers just to feel better about their lazy, small minded, miserable-”

 

“Ellie,” Joel started, not loud, but stern. “Enough.”

 

Ellie seemed to shrink back in her seat at that, and Joel’s eyes cut back to the administrator to allow him to finish speaking. 

 

“She’s had several disciplinary infractions this year and in her past two years with us it's been one incident after another. She’s a liability to have in our building if she doesn’t clean up her act soon.”

 

Joel finally looked over to Ellie, his eyes narrow as he tried to make sense of everything. He still didn’t even know what she did. They hadn’t told him anything except that she was in trouble and he needed to be there for a conference. 

 

“It may not be my place to say, but I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Children with files like hers… they tend to end up this way even after school. It’s just the way it is, unfortunately.”

 

There was something about the way he said it, the superiority in his voice, the judgement, that felt like a threat to him. Not just a threat, but something so volatile and disrespectful that he couldn’t just sit back and listen to it. Especially when all of Ellie’s fight seemed to leave her body the moment her scowl dropped. 

 

“Can I ask you something, Mr…” he trailed off, waiting for a fill in the blank last name.

 

“Jensen.”

 

“Right, Mr. Jensen, did you get the chance to look at her file before today?”

 

The man seemed to be taken aback by the question, shifting on his feet and tilting his head to one side.

 

“Not me specifically, no, but I’ve reviewed the previous disciplinary reports and I can assure you that-”

 

Joel held up his pointer finger to cut him off.

 

“The disciplinary reports, which state she’s a juvenile in alternate custody. I know how those things work. You took one look at the fact that she’s in the system and called me like this is some federal offense bullshit, but while you were making your conclusions on what kind of person she could be, did you happen to turn an extra page?”

 

He let the words linger, even let the pathetic excuse for an administrator in front of him start a sentence, but stopped him almost immediately.

 

“Don’t bother, I know you didn’t. If you had, you'd've seen the fucked up shit she’s been through just within the couple months and you would’ve understood why she is the way she is. The kid is rough around the edges, but she’s got a bigger heart and richer soul than any of you godforsaken motherfuckers in this place, so if we’re done here, which we are, I’m gonna walk out that door and unless she has broken the law, you are not gonna call me back here for a damn thing, understood?”

 

He didn’t wait for and answer, instead, he stood up and moved toward the door.

 

“Come on, let’s go.”

 

Ellie only lingered for a moment. It was like she’d been paralyzed by his words. They weren’t just unexpected, they were out of nowhere.

 

“Get a move on,” he urged.

 

She didn’t need to be told again, instead, she threw her backpack over her shoulder and exited the room without another breath. Joel followed closely behind.

 

Neither of them spoke again until they were climbing into the truck.

 

“Hey… about back there… I just wanted to say thanks. I-”

 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Joel interrupted.

 

She paused in the middle of putting her seatbelt on and looked over at him in confusion.

 

“Wha-”

 

“You get in trouble, they think it’s a big enough deal to call me, and you curse out an administrator what in your mind told you that was a good fuckin’ idea?”

 

The angry spark returned to her face at that, brows knitting together in some woven blanketed expression of betrayal and defensiveness.

 

“Nothing told me it-”

 

“Exactly! ‘Cause you don’t fuckin’ think before you open your mouth and that is what gets you in trouble. You need to straighten your shit out, I don’t care how, but you better do it soon. I’m not makin’ another trip up here, understand?”

 

She didn’t bother responding verbally. It wasn’t worth it. She was tired of arguing and deciphering what was going on in his mind took too much work as it was. They both opted to stay silent the whole way home.

 

~

 

Sarah spent the rest of that school day worried sick about Ellie. She’d seen this happen too many times. Asshole teachers found her like moths to a flame. She was somebody they could entertain themselves with cutting down and it was sickening to watch. She only hoped that her father hadn’t been too hard on Ellie.

 

That hope drowned in the silence of the house as her footsteps echoed through the empty hall. Ellie’s bedroom door was closed. 

 

Hesitantly, she brought a closed fist to the wood, knocking quietly.

 

“Ellie?”

 

No answer.

 

“Ellie?” she called again. “Are you in there?”

 

Nothing.

 

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I haven’t seen you since you got sent to the office, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

 

She waited there for another five minutes before deciding just to leave her be. Even then, the worry still laced every step she took and lingered in every corner of her thoughts. She’d check again later.

 

~

 

Maybe Joel had been too hard on her. Maybe he’d crossed a line, but it wasn’t his job to coddle her. If he was going to be looking after her for the remainder of the school year he wasn’t going to deal with the house calls for behavior. She was a teenager, not a toddler. She knew how to behave and he expected her to do so.

 

Then again, he still didn’t know the full story. All he knew was that the fuckwads in the office were concerned about whatever it was that she did.

 

“What happened?” he asked, his fork scraping his plate in uncomfortable quiet.

 

He and Sarah sat at the dining table that night. Ellie declined the invitation. At least he assumed she had, there’d been no answer when he called her down for dinner.

 

“She got excited over something and apparently it was too loud. We both got in trouble, but obviously all I got was a stern talking to,” she said, and he could feel the bitterness on her tongue.

 

“Excited? About what?”

 

Sarah paused at that. Her teeth pulled at the inside of her cheek the way they always did when she was nervous and debating something. Usually how much trouble she’d be in if she answered honestly.

 

“Sarah,” he urged.

 

“She passed her final.”

 

She got sent to the office because she was too excited about passing her final? More importantly, why was she so excited that she passed? Was she not passing the class as a whole?

 

“She wasn’t passing the class?”

 

“No,” she said quietly.

 

It was only then that he recognized the look on her face. The same one she’d gotten when she thought he’d been mad about having to pick her up from the office all those weeks ago.

 

“I’m not… I’m not angry, I'm just confused. I’m a temporary guardian. I don’t have access to her grades, and she won’t talk to me-”

 

“She won’t talk to you because you treat her like the bane of your existence!”

 

His fork settled against his plate with a clink and he leaned back a little in his seat. Sarah rarely ever gave him attitude, so when she did it was serious and he tended to pay attention as long as it didn’t go too far.

 

“She’s spent her whole life thinking she’s not worth the shit on people’s shoes, Dad, and you treat her the same way. Maybe not as bad, but you don’t treat her like what she is. She’s a kid, and you don’t need to remind her that she’s not yours. Trust me, she knows. Would it kill you to include her? To just fu-” she paused, remembering that she was still talking to her father. “-to just look at her sometimes? She deserves to feel like she’s safe. She deserves to feel like this place is home. Even if it’s just for a little while.”

 

Each word dug deeper into his guilt than the last and by the end of it he felt like shit. Maybe he deserved that. No, he did. She was right, and so was Tess. He hadn’t been fair to Ellie. He was doing the bare minimum; that was what he intended to do. It was how he kept himself from being attached, but that didn’t matter anymore. Sarah had proven time and time again that Ellie was more to her than just some passing acquaintance. 

 

For her, or for you?

 

One of the last things Tommy had ever said to him. He didn’t know how to separate himself from Sarah. Everything went back to her and it was his biggest fault. He needed to let go, and that started with Ellie.

 

“You’re right,” he said.

 

The anger drained from her face and she looked at him with an expression that meant come again?

 

“I’ll go talk to her.”

 

Sarah nodded, and Joel finished the last bit of his dinner before carrying his plate over to the sink and washing his hands.

 

Once the dish was settled, and his hands cleaned, he made his way up to Ellie’s room.

 

It took him a long while to knock. He was trying to find words to say that he wasn’t sure were even in his vocabulary. 

 

“Ellie?” he called.

 

No answer.

 

“Look, I know I’m the last person you want to talk to right now, and I get it. I don’t blame you. I was a dick, and I wasn’t fair. I should’ve let you explain. I was wrong. I just… I don’t know how to do this. You. You’re not like Sarah, and I’m not sayin’ that’s a bad thing, it’s just different. You’re scrappy and you got a worse mouth than some adults I know, but I also know you’re a product of your environment, and I ain’t gonna pretend to understand what that’s like. I know I’ve gotta start working with you, but I need you to work with me too, okay?”

 

Silence.

 

Of course. Hell, she was probably sleeping, and he’d just poured out some apology like a fool.

 

Well--at least he thought he had; until the door creaked open and she emerged in the doorway with tired eyes and bedhead.

 

“Okay,” she said, but it was gentle, genuine.

 

“Okay,” he repeated.

 

“There’s dinner downstairs if you want it. Enchiladas. Sarah made them.”

 

She made the face like she didn’t know what the hell an Enchilada was, but that she didn’t care too much because she’d eat anything Sarah made. She was like that.

 

Then, without another word, she slipped past him and began her trek down the hall.

 

He stopped her before she could take her first step down the stairs.

 

“Ellie?”

 

She didn’t answer verbally, just looked back at him over her shoulder.

 

“Just so we’re clear about what happened today--” he started. “It wasn’t your fault.”

 

He didn’t say what he really wanted to, that he was proud of her, because he was. He really was.

 

~

 

Summer brought about very different emotions for Sarah and Ellie respectfully. Sarah was most excited about summer conditioning. Soccer was very quickly becoming the most important thing in her life again, and Ellie enjoyed watching her be happy. However, Ellie was not a sports person. She never got the option to be. That being said, she had nothing to do while Joel was at work and Sarah was at conditioning. She’d be alone, and she never did particularly well alone. She drove herself crazy.

 

“You could always sit on the bleachers and watch,” Sarah suggested on the first day of conditioning.

 

“In the sun? In the sun on metal bleachers with no shade? You must be out of your damn mind,” she huffed.

 

Sarah chuckled and kicked the ball up from one foot to another as a warm up.

 

“Or… you could talk to Coach Stetson about a late tryout.”

 

“So you actively hate me is what I’m hearing.”

 

That elicited a snort of a laugh and Sarah shook her head, the puff of her curls that had been tied back in a bun shook a bit on their own and she kept her eyes on the ball.

 

“Suit yourself.”

 

“Alright, girls, line up!”

 

And then she was off without another word. 

 

Ten minutes into conditioning and her brown hair was already searing in the early June sun. It had to be at least eighty degrees, and maybe that wasn’t a lot, but she hated the heat. She was a cold and snow person through and through.

 

With her sketchbook and trusty pen in hand, she doodled some jellyfish and let the last notes of Take On Me ring out in her earbuds.

 

That was, until a shadow loomed over her, blocking the sunlight and drawing her attention up.

 

“Can I help you?” she asked, somewhat pointed.

 

“Well, you look pretty miserable over here all on your lonesome, I was just going to offer you a place on the field for today.”

 

She didn’t quite recognize this man. Probably because she had a problem with paying attention to her surroundings when she felt like she didn’t need to. 

 

“I’m sorry, who are you?”

 

The man laughed a little and crossed his arms over his chest like his sharp tongue amused him.

 

“Mr. Stetson, I coach the soccer team. I couldn’t help but notice you looked pretty angry at the world, and I figured kicking a ball around on the field might help.”

 

She wanted to tell him to fuck off, but she figured that wouldn’t go over too well with Sarah, or with Joel who she promised she’d behave. 

 

Did behaving mean taking the offer? She didn’t think so, but Sarah had already expressed her desire for Ellie to join in for whatever reason.

 

“Alright. What do I do?”

 

~

 

They were late. He wasn’t angry about it, just tired from a long day at work and ready to get home. Even still, he’d give them the benefit of the doubt. They might be packing up or maybe practice was running late.

 

As he waited though, he got the idea to call Tess and make sure she was as okay as she could be. He still hadn’t heard from her and that was alarming considering they talked almost everyday. Then again, he was doing his best to give her space to grieve. He just wanted to make sure that she was still standing upright for lack of better words.

 

The phone rang when he dialed her number. Good. At least it wasn’t off. But it rang again, and again… and again until the voicemail rang.

 

“It’s Tess, you know what to do.”

 

Beep.

 

Joel contemplated hanging up, considering he hated the idea of people playing his voice back like he was some silver screen actor. It didn’t matter now though, not when the worry crept in like poison and threatened to spill over if he didn’t say anything.

 

“Tess, you’re scarin’ me, alright? Answer the phone. I’ll leave you alone after that, I just want to make sure you’re still breathin’.”

 

He didn’t get to say anything else because the doors flung open and both a dirt caked Sarah and Ellie tumbled into the cab.

 

Joel hung up the phone and glanced in the rearview.

 

“Wait a damn minute, why are you both dirty?” he asked.

 

Ellie and Sarah looked at each other and bursted into a fit of giggles.

 

“Coach invited her to hang out on the field today. He even said--Ellie tell him what he said,” Sarah started excitedly.

 

Ellie let out another giggle and turned her attention to Joel in the rearview.

 

“He said--”

 

“‘I look forward to seeing you out there during the season’,” Sarah and Ellie said simultaneously.

 

Joel gave a nod, considered it, but didn’t say anything.

 

“Hello! Aren’t you proud? She did so good that he wants her on the team!”

 

Joel nodded again, more urgent this time like he was shaking something off. He was.

 

“Yeah, yes, good job, kid. I’m glad.”

 

It was too late now. The mood had been dampened and the only thing left for him to do was drive home and hope he didn’t add another tally to the board of times he’d made Ellie feel like shit.

 

~

 

Yet another delicacy that Ellie had never had the pleasure of enjoying, ice cream. It just never came about, not even in the very few places that hadn’t treated her like shit. But there she was, in a booth next to Sarah and across from Joel at an ice cream place with a cone.

 

“So it’s just like… frozen milk? Why the hell would anyone eat that?” she asked, brows scrunched in protest.

 

“It’s good! I promise, just try it.”

 

Ellie gave her a sideways glance and she just urged her on with a gentle smile.

 

“Okay, okay, Jesus,” she said, eventually bringing the cone to her mouth and taking a huge bite with her front teeth.

 

“No don’t-”

 

The damage was already done. Ellie tilted her head back and breathed out a foggy resistance of hot air against the frozen treat, trying her best to warm the frost of her teeth.

 

“Holy- fuck why does it burn?!” she shrieked.

 

“Because it’s frozen dumbass it’s like chewing ice with your front teeth!”

 

Ellie let out a few more of those short breaths and choked the ice cream down bit by bit.

 

“Then how am I supposed to eat it?!”

 

“You lick it, idiot!”

 

“What do you mean, lick it?! I’m not a freak!”

 

Their playful banter was interrupted by something neither of them had heard in a long time. In fact, Ellie couldn’t remember ever hearing it. A huff that sounded something like a giggle, and it was coming from Joel, who was doing his damndest to bite back a smile.

 

“Are you laughing?” Ellie asked.

 

“He’s definitely laughing,” Sarah confirmed.

 

“I am not laughing.”

 

“He’s laughing.”

 

Joel rolled his eyes and returned his attention to his phone, which gave Sarah an even better idea.

 

“Take a picture of us,” she said, already wrapping an arm around Ellie, who didn’t resist.

 

Joel sighed like clicking a button was some astronomical task that he wasn’t up to.

 

“Okay.”

 

Opening his camera app, he raised his phone and flicked his eyes from his phone to the gremlins in front of him for confirmation that he was ready when they were.

 

“Say ice cream!”

 

Ellie did nothing of the sort, but she did smile. She smiled something awful. There was only one time that she’d ever smiled that big and when she thought about it next to this moment, it didn’t make her heart hurt.

 

“Alright, I took a couple. Finish up your food, I’ve got work tomorrow.”

 

“Sir, yes sir,” Sarah said.

 

There was a mocking lilt to it, but it was nothing beyond playful.

 

“So, ice cream, scale of one to ten,” Sarah prompted, taking another bite of hers.

 

“2, this shit is awful.”

 

Despite the review, she continued eating it.

 

“You’re full of shit, you like the taste it’s just inconvenient to eat.”

 

“Hence why it’s a two and not a -27.”

 

“You can’t rate it in the negatives!”

 

“Sure can, sure would.”

 

Sarah laughed out loud and rolled her eyes. When the laughter died down and all that was left was the three of them framed in the parlor window, there was something that settled over them that hadn’t before. Something gentle and genuine. Something… natural.

 

~

 

“Alright, y’all make sure you get ready for bed soon,” Joel said, setting his keys on the keyholder.

 

“Awe, come on, man! It’s summer!” Ellie protested.

 

“It is, but Sarah’s got an appointment in the mornin’ and you’re hell to wake up as it is. Get some rest.”

 

“Ugh! Fine, whatever.”

 

Joel rolled his eyes and huffed something unintelligible.

 

It didn’t matter though, because Ellie was already scurrying up the stairs and around the corner to the bathroom.

 

Joel didn’t retire to his room yet. The only thing that could cure the level of stress he was feeling was a warm cup of coffee. 

 

Even then, he didn’t get far enough. His phone rang before he could get through the kitchen.

 

“Good God,” he grumbled, pulling the phone out and checking the caller ID.

 

He swore if it’s anyone other than a doctor or his boss-

 

Tess.

 

Or her.

 

“Hello?”

~

 

“How long has it been since you’ve had a sleepover?” Sarah asked, half joking.

 

“Uh…” Ellie paused, checking her nonexistent watch. “About… never. Yeah, never.”

 

It was a lie. Not a big one, but a lie nonetheless. It still felt somewhat bitter to spill.

 

“Well, you’re in for a treat.”

 

“I’m in for a sleep, you heard your Dad. He might smite me if I’m not honk shooing by 9:30.”

 

Sarah shook her head and chuckled.

 

“You have to be the most unserious person I’ve ever met.”

 

“Eh, you love me.”

 

Sarah’s features softened at that, and her smile returned like the faintest rainbow after a thunderstorm.

 

“I do.”

 

At first it didn’t even register. Ellie hadn’t meant anything by her statement other than a joke. Like Sarah said, she was totally unserious. But the gravity of silence hit her like a truck and something twisted in her stomach. Belonging? Understanding? It was strange. The closest thing she’d ever felt to it was times when Marlene picked her up from the worst of places and had the decency to tell her it wasn’t her fault. Or maybe, even if it was only momentary, when Tess defended her to Joel weeks before in the kitchen. 

 

Tess. It was off topic, but it pulled her from her thoughts and gave her an excuse to dodge the emotions she was feeling.

 

“Hey, have you heard anything from-”

 

She couldn’t answer the question before the door creaked open on its squeaky hinges. It was slow, ominous. She knew that pace anywhere.

 

“We’re going to bed, I swear,” Sarah assured, laughing a bit as she looked up at him.

 

Then she saw his face and she knew something was wrong.

 

“What is it?”

 

The scariest part of it all was the look on his face. It wasn’t cold or combative, it wasn’t even angry, it was blank, and his stare? Felt like it was piercing right through the both of them.

 

“Dad?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes:

Okay so this isn’t my besttttttr work, but it’s a filler chapter next chapter is gonna be BONKERS. As always, thanks for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments!

Chapter 20: Bigger Than The Whole Sky

Summary:

Joel and Ellie are more alike than they think. And also- a special guest ehehehe (also trigger warning for some unkind comments made by the resident douchebag of this chapter and mentions of suicide).

Joel let her wear pants. She didn’t even have to fight him. It was probably because Tess would’ve killed him if he’d tried to shove her into some girly little dress. She hated those things, and Tess would’ve wanted her to be comfortable. 

 

Would’ve.

 

She had to fight tears anytime she even thought of the word. It was stupid, really. They hadn’t known each other that long; but aside from Sarah, Tess was one of the only people who’d stuck her neck out for Ellie on more than one occasion. Losing her felt like acid seeping into the hole in her heart Riley had left and making it bigger than she ever thought possible. It was the same kind of sadness she felt when she looked in the mirror and wondered if she looked anything like her mother. When she looked at her switchblade and realized how much she missed her.

 

The call came late that night. She was up in the room giggling with Sarah one minute and the next…

 

Joel said she went quick; that she didn’t feel anything. She hoped so. Tess was one of the most genuine people she’d ever met, she deserved to be here, alive, but if she had to be gone, she deserved for it to be quick and painless. But who really knew? Nobody except her and now she was gone.

 

The truth was, Ellie wasn’t sure how much more loss she could handle before she fell apart. Whatever the answer, it didn’t matter. She refused to let herself shed a single tear. Sarah was a wreck enough as it was. She hadn’t stopped crying since Joel broke the news, rightfully so. Tess was the closest thing to a mother Sarah ever had. She liked to say she couldn’t imagine, but the trouble was that she could. She felt it too. They were in the same boat, but Ellie could never admit that to herself. That reminder that she wasn’t family poked at the back of her mind even as she tucked the last strands of her hair behind her ears and walked out of the bathroom.

 

Sarah’s weeping had paused for the moment, her pristine makeup stayed in tact for now. Ellie never did understand the concept of dressing up to watch someone be buried. Joel said that it was out of respect, but Ellie respected Tess from the moment they first met. Why should her death be any different than her life? It was a question she didn’t ask.

 

Mostly because she did her best not to speak to Joel if she didn’t have to. Not out of pettiness or spite, but because she was worried he might get emotional, and she knew if he of all people broke? She would shatter, and she might not ever recover.

 

“You ready?” he asked as she walked down the last steps.

 

“Yeah.”

 

No.

 

~

 

Joel was no stranger to loss, but nothing could’ve prepared him for the pale wash of death that blanketed her once radiant skin. It wasn’t her. Not really. 

 

She was cold, and as his hand slipped over hers he felt his heart pause in his chest. His breath hitched over something that was supposed to be a sob, but wasn’t yet accompanied by tears.

 

Her eyes were closed and there was this strange sense of duality that washed over him. It was like he was experiencing two moments at the same time. The memory of waking up next to her. Her eyes were closed just like they were now, but he was so close he could feel the warm air exiting her nose and reminding him there was more than one reason to wake up in the morning.

 

There was none of that here.

 

There was that old saying, “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone”. The problem was that Joel had always known what he had. What they had. He was just too afraid to hold onto it… and now she was gone.

 

He wondered if it was his fault. He never should’ve left the diner that night. He never should’ve made that fucking promise, he shouldn’t have let her go. But he had. She was dead, and it was his fault.

 

It wasn’t until he felt a splash on his hand that he realized the tears slipping from his eyes, and immediately wiped them away.

 

He couldn’t do this, not here.

 

He went to turn around and go anywhere but there, but he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

 

His first instinct was to turn around and start swinging, but after executing the first part of that mission the second halted.

 

“Easy, big brother. It’s just me.”

 

“Tommy?”

 

~

 

Sarah hadn’t stopped crying since the moment Tess’s casket was in view. It felt sort of like listening to someone throw up. She felt her own emotions bubbling up every time she even looked at her, and she didn’t know what to do. Part of her wondered if anyone would notice her slip out. She wasn’t sure she could sit through much more of any of this without suffocating, but that was until she’d been roped into a conversation with Sarah and Frank.

 

The three of them sat in chairs just outside the room where Tess’s wake was being held. Frank’s hands held one of Sarah’s, letting her tears fall as much as they needed. 

 

“Why don’t we talk about something good? What’s your favorite memory of her?” Frank asked.

 

Sarah let out a sob that sounded like his words had physically hurt her, and it took her a while to respond.

 

“When I got sick, really sick, she’d come to the hospital and lay on the couch or the pullout chair, whichever Dad wasn’t using and she’d-”

 

She couldn’t finish the sentence without letting out another anguished cry and gripping onto Frank’s hand like a lifeline. He was in tears now too.

 

“-she’d stay there all day long. She wouldn’t leave until I got to go home. I need her to come home, Uncle Frank, I need-”

 

At that point she was fully broken down and Frank pulled her into a tight hug, running his hand up and down her back in some feeble attempt to soothe her through his own tears.

 

She couldn’t take any more of it.

 

Without a word, Ellie stood from her seat and slipped through the crowd. Everything else was background noise. She could hear Frank calling for her to come back, but she didn’t answer. 

 

As the tears began to brim at her water lines and eventually stream down her cheeks she pushed her way through the front door and back outside. She wasn’t sure where she was going, or where she wanted to end up, she just knew it couldn’t be there.

 

~

 

It felt like seein’ a ghost and his heart couldn’t tell whether it wanted to jump outta his chest or sink to his stomach. 

 

Four years. Four years without any contact and all of a sudden there he was. Standin’ there like he’d never left. Another dilemma. He couldn’t decide whether to hug or punch him.

 

“Been a long time,” Tommy said quietly, running a hand through his thin black curls.

 

 He looked the same as he had the day he left, only his hands were permanently dirt stained and scarred from years of hard work. That was perhaps the most shocking part about it all.

 

“You don’t look like you’ve aged much,” Joel said quietly.

 

Tommy nodded and bit back half a smile.

 

“You on the other hand…”

 

Joel huffed something akin to a laugh and found an empty seat nearby. He sat and Tommy stayed standing, arms crossed over his chest in a stance that looked like shame.

 

“You seen Sarah yet?”

 

Tommy’s eyes fell to his arms like he was some lost puppy. Same look he always had when there was something to be apologetic about.

 

“No… not yet.”

 

Joel gave something of a hm in response and Tommy nodded like he was hyping himself up for casual conversation.

 

“I did notice the other one though, what’s up with her?”

 

Joel chuckled.

 

“You didn’t get Marlene’s phone calls?”

 

“Marlene? I haven’t heard from her since--”

 

He paused when he realized the slippery slope saying it out loud led to, and opted to skip over the actual words.

 

“My number’s changed, but if she’s one of Marlene’s I get it.”

 

“It’s temporary. She’s just hangin’ around until Marlene finds her a permanent placement.”

 

“I see.”

 

The silence that filled the air was thick. So thick they were choking on unsaid words until the tension snapped like a rubber band.

 

“Where you been, Tommy?”

 

He scoffed a little at that and Joel’s eyes narrowed as if to ask him what was funny.

 

“A whole host of places, big brother.”

 

Joel gave him another look.

 

That didn’t answer my question.

 

“The United States Army. Just got back last year, honorable discharge. I’m workin’ as a wildlife ranger-”

 

“In Boston?” Joel interrupted.

 

“For now,” Tommy agreed. “But the missus and I are movin’ up to Maine at the end of the year.”

 

Maine. Tommy had been gone four years, showed up to Tess’s funeral, and he was just about to dip again?

 

Then it hit him.

 

The missus. Tommy hadn’t just been no contact for four years, he’d gotten married somewhere in between.

 

That opened up a whole can of feelings he didn’t even know where to start unearthing. 

 

He didn’t get the chance to either because their conversation was cut short by another human interruption.

 

“Joel Miller, I’ll be fuckin’ damned.”

 

He could smell the stench of alcohol before he even looked up to see who it was. When he did his chest tightened and he felt his fists ball at his sides.

 

“Steven.”

 

“You say my name like I didn’t sign the book at the door.”

 

There was a sense of mockery in his words that pushed Joel’s teeth together in his mouth and caused Tommy’s weight to shift on his feet.

 

“Relax, I’m paying my respects just like you.”

 

Joel nodded at that. No verbal response. He was afraid if he opened his mouth his response would be a whole lot more than verbal.

 

“‘Course, I don’t have much respect to pay. I’m a firm believer you shouldn’t treat people any differently when they’re dead than you did when they were alive. It makes you seem… insincere. Then what kind of example would I be?”

 

“You’re drunk,” Joel started, not bothering to look him in the eye. “Go home.”

 

“Go home? And leave my beautiful wife all by her lonesome? That doesn’t sound like a very good grieving husband, does it?”

 

Tommy took a single step forward and directed the man with one hand.

 

“Listen, man, you’re wasted, and this really isn’t the time or place. Why don’t you go home and come back later. They’re not moving her out until the morning.”

 

His voice was calm and he was doing his best to deescalate the situation before Joel made an ass of himself. Funny how time switched the roles like that.

 

Steven looked between Tommy and Joel and laughed like this was all one great big joke.

 

“He always this defensive of whore wives or just the ones that kill themselves?”

 

Joel was on his feet before Tommy could even blink, and he was lucky enough to have reacted in enough time to keep his hand over Joel’s chest and hold him back like separating alley cats in a brawl.

 

“Joel, it’s not worth it.”

 

“Let me figure out what is and isn’t worth it.”

 

He didn’t say anything else, just let his hand fall back to his side and hoped that Steven had the sense to walk away while he still could.

 

“Get the fuck outta here,” Joel said, the words hitting the air like premature punches.

 

“Or what? You think you scare me just ‘cause you were fucking her? News flash, Joel, she’s dead. Just like her son. She’s going in the ground the same way she walked on it, a bitch slut who-”

 

Joel didn’t even have the time to react before knuckles collided with flesh, splattering blood onto his tux.

 

Steven hit the floor with a thud, out cold, and Tommy retracted his now busted up fist.

 

“Keep her name out your fuckin’ mouth,” he said, as if the man could still hear him.

 

He couldn’t, but the rest of the room had been stunned to silence.

 

~

 

The rest of that night went smoother than before Steven took a nose dive into the floor. Joel decided not to bombard Sarah with Tommy’s presence in person. Not after what happened. Tommy paid his respects and went home to his wife. Joel planned to stop by their house for dinner later that week.

 

Sarah crashed as soon as she got home. She didn’t even eat dinner which was slightly concerning to Joel. Considering he wasn’t hungry either, he was sure it didn’t have anything to do with her condition.

Ellie was essentially MIA. In fact, he hadn’t even realized she wasn’t with Sarah at the funeral home until he walked out to the truck and noticed her sitting alone on a bench. Part of him felt bad for not comforting her, but if he had to give one more word of wisdom his emotions would rot through his jaw and he’d say things he didn’t mean. Ellie had the tendency to be the one that got the brunt of his displaced anger, and he couldn’t do that to her. Not then.

 

When he got home, he made sure Sarah had her medicine and she went to bed without a word. He made sure Ellie didn’t need anything and then made his way to his own room.

 

He needed sleep, but he didn’t get any. Somewhere between the sun disappearing below the horizon and the stars twinkling in the sky, clouds rolled in and the sky fell out. He wasn’t really one to be spiritual, but something about this storm was different. It was voilent and soft all at once. Like the universe missed her too.

 

As soon as he felt the first tears stinging at his eyes he determined he needed to busy himself with something. Anything but the sleep that wasn’t coming.

So, tossing on a t-shirt to accompany his sweatpants, he went downstairs. 

 

There was probably some abandoned project in the garage he could fix up. Some wood that could be made into something else.

 

His first stop was the kitchen for a cup of coffee. He couldn’t sleep now, but he’d wear himself out eventually. Some sort of caffeine was needed to keep him awake the rest of the time.

 

Once the cup was made he had the idea to go sit in his rocking chair on the front porch. The wind had died down a little and he figured even if he did get soaked, a little rain never hurt anyone. Tess loved to be in the rain. She would’ve ditched her clothes and danced barefoot and naked as the day she was born in every storm she could if they didn’t live in an urban neighborhood. 

 

She was such a tough person on the outside. She did her damndest never to let anyone under her skin and she lived like every day was her last, but there was a side of her no one aside from him, Sarah, and Max ever saw. The side that cherished every blade of grass and every gust of wind just for existing. Because of that, he knew there would never be a day that being outside wouldn’t dredge up her memory. He just hoped one day the pain would be replaced with fondness.

 

Then again, as emotionally unavailable as he was, that fact was unlikely.

 

He took a long sip of the rich liquid in his cup and used his free hand to turn the knob on the front door. He almost pulled it open, but it occurred to him that the knob shouldn’t have turned. He’d locked it before he’d gone to bed. Hadn’t he? Yes. He remembered specifically. But who would’ve unlocked it?

 

He pulled the door open and peered onto the front porch. Neither of the girls were out there. Maybe they’d gone out earlier and forgotten to lock it back.

 

Just in case though…

 

Joel closed the door back and made his way up the stairs. First, he stopped at Sarah’s room. The door was still closed, light still absent under the door. He gave a quick knock and then quietly opened the door.

The soft sound of her snoring and the vague shape of her under the covers let him know she still hadn’t moved.

 

Somehow, that didn’t comfort him as much as he thought it was. Perhaps that was because the next explanation was that Ellie had unlocked the door.

 

Closing the door behind him, Joel went to the end of the hallway and repeated his steps.

 

When the door swung open on the hinges, his heart sank to his stomach. The room was trashed. Trashed in a way that made no sense as to why he didn’t hear.

 

Then it hit him.

 

He’d been laying on his left ear. His good ear, and he’d been too lost in thought to pay attention to any muffled noises he might’ve heard.

 

“Ellie?” He called, frantic as he set his coffee down on her dresser and traced the chaos looking for her.

 

Normally her messes led him to her. Normally he hated it. Now? All it did was itch at his throat in a way he couldn’t explain. His hands were shaking as he tore apart the remainders of the room looking for her.

 

He looked over every inch of the house. The bathrooms, the garage, the living room, the backyard, nothing. Not a damn thing and all of a sudden, as he stood there in the grass, the rain soaking into his pajamas, the realization that he cared hit him.

 

All at once, spiraling into something he couldn’t name.

 

He had to find her.

 

Just as quickly as he’d gone outside, he ran back in and pulled out his phone. He couldn’t leave Sarah alone. If something happened to her because he was out chasing someone else’s kid-

 

“It’s Tess, you know what to do.”

 

Beep.

 

It wasn’t until the sound of her voice echoed through his skull like some cavern of regret that he realized who he’d called.

 

If he wasn’t so determined to find the kid, he might’ve smashed the phone against the counter and broke right then and there. Lord knew he felt like it, but he couldn’t. So then there was only one person left he knew to call.

 

~

 

Tommy hadn’t hesitated to throw on his coat and run out the door as soon as Maria gave him the okay. Then, even in the midst of the storm he was on his way to Joel’s house like somebody was dyin’. For all he knew they were.

 

He was still new to this whole foster situation. He didn’t even know Joel had it in him to care about another human being other than Sarah. Then he saw him at Tess’s funeral and knew something had broken in him. He just couldn’t tell if that was the kid’s doing… until now.

 

“Joel, relax, take a breath, you’re gonna wake up Sarah if you keep stumbling around like this,” he said, taking his coat off and starting on his boots.

 

“I don’t know where the hell she could’ve gone,” Joel said, throwing on his own coat and grabbing his keys.

 

“Then maybe sit down and try to figure it out before you go drivin’ like a maniac down the highway in the middle of a storm. If she went somewhere, how would she get there? Your car is still here, and that should also tell you she wasn’t angry. She wasn’t doin’ it to spite you otherwise she woulda taken off with your keys.”

 

Joel gave him a questioning look. The kind that told him he was stupid on the surface and hid somethin’ else underneath. Usually something like I don’t get it or how do you know that?

 

“Maria works family law, like Tess did. I know a few things.”

 

Joel nodded and took another breath.

 

“You said her room was a wreck. Is her stuff still here?”

 

He watched Joel’s face contort into an expression that meant he was thinking too hard about too many things.

 

“Hey, Joel, focus. Is her stuff still here?”

 

“Yes. Yeah, most of it. Her bag, all her clothes, but she took her music. Her walkman, and her…”

 

“What? What else did she take?”

 

The door was already flying open before he got any sort of answer.

 

“Where are you going?!”

 

“I know where she went, just stay with Sarah!”

 

And with that he was off.

 

~

 

He swore the truck wouldn’t move fast enough, no matter how hard he pressed the pedal to the floor. No matter how little traffic or how many cars he swerved around. No amount of driving could clear up the suffocating feeling of his heart pounding in his throat. 

 

He was white knuckling the wheel as he silently begged whatever God there might be for her to be okay. She had to be. She had to.

 

His tires screeched as he pulled into the parking lot and slammed on the brakes. He didn’t bother parking the car properly. No one else would be there anyways.

 

The power to the place was still on, the glow of the lantern still blinking in the darkness like a beacon. It was surrounded by moths looking for light that would eventually kill them.

 

As soon as the truck was parked and off Joel bolted to the front door, pushing it open with so much force the knob slammed into the wall, denting it. He’d pay for the damage if they noticed, but it was the least of his worries right now.

 

“Ellie?!”

 

His socks sloshed in his rain soaked boots as he continued down the hallway.

 

“Ellie!”

 

He got a response, but not a verbal one.

 

Something of a whimper, followed by quiet sobs. They were stalled, like she was trying to keep them in and couldn’t.

 

Joel rounded the corner, and there she was.

 

The double doors were still propped open, and the air vents were pouring in what felt like breeze off of ice caps. Couples with the wind and rain outside, it was freezing.

 

She’d pulled up a chair next to the casket, and she was just laying there. Her arms crossed over the side, head resting in the crook of her elbow, tears spilling between hiccups and shaking inhales.

 

“Go away,” she said, demanding, but broken.

 

Her walkman was on the floor. The earbuds were plugged in but the volume was all the way up, like she wanted Tess to hear. Like she was begging her to.

 

And I always say how I don’t need you

But it’s always gonna come right back to this

Please don’t leave me

 

He recognized the song vaguely from the radio back when it was in the regular cycle of the same five songs every day. He’d never paid attention to the lyrics though, not really, not until now in this context.

 

“Go! Just fucking go!”

 

But he couldn’t, he just stood there, frozen. His eyes flicking from Tess to Ellie, keeping his eyes open despite the searing pain in them. If he closed them the tears would fall and she didn’t need to see that.

 

He took a step forward, but he didn’t speak. Not yet. 

 

His eyes landed on her sketchbook, which was open on the floor, pen keeping the pages open.

 

They were filled with sketches of Tess. The angles were precise, some of them, he could tell exactly which moments they were referencing. Her at dinner at Bill and Frank’s house, her making breakfast, just… her. But the main thing they all had in common? Her eyes were blurrded by blackened scribbles of frustration. She couldn’t remember her eyes, and if she could, it wasn’t enough of a reference for her.

 

That was the last straw.

 

He closed the gap between them and knelt down in front of Ellie. His movements were gentle and slow. Patient. He didn’t force anything, didn’t even speak, he just sat there and watched the emotion begin to bubble over.

 

“She wasn’t supposed to die… she wasn’t supposed to fucking-” the exclamation came with her fist slamming onto the side of the casket.

 

She went to do it again and Joel grabbed her wrist to stop her.

 

She sat up and yanked it away, her eyes glued to his like she couldn’t believe what he’d done. 

 

Then something strange happened.

 

For a moment they just stared at each other. Her face shifted from one emotion or thought to another and his stayed exactly the same. Stained with worry and something that looked like sadness.

 

Ellie sucked in another breath of air and when her eyes finally shifted back to Tess she broke. First another hiccup, and then a spiral into a full on breakdown.

 

Joel moved a little closer, cautious at first and then she practically lept into his arms. He nearly toppled over, using one hand to brace himself against the floor and the other to wrap around her back.

 

He pushed himself back up and pushed his hand into her hair as she sobbed into his shoulder.

 

“Shhh, it’s okay. It’s alright.”

 

They sat like that for longer than they should’ve. Longer than he would’ve ever let himself had he been thinking clearly, but he wasn’t all he was thinking was that he was so grateful to have found her alive and well.

 

Because he wasn’t sure what he would’ve done if he hadn’t. 

Notes:

This was so sad but the last couple episodes of this season RUINED me. Anyways it’ll get a little happier from here. Thanks for reading! Feel free to tell me what you thought in the comments! I always love reading what you guys have to say.

Chapter 21: And Sometimes When He Looks At Me (I Know He Needs You, You're All That He Sees)

Summary:

This chapter is an emotional roller coaster, good gracious. Strap your seatbelts, y'all. (More Uncle Tommy)

The house had been silent. Deathly silent. There was a hole that Tess left in the atmosphere that was drowning all three of them. Sarah didn’t speak much. A question here and there, an ‘excuse me’ or a ‘sorry’, but that was it. And it was the same for Ellie, except she shut herself in her room and wouldn’t come out until the weight of hunger got too bad.

 

And Joel.

 

Joel was perhaps the worst of it because he wouldn’t say anything. Just muffled grunts. He found himself curled up in bed more, staring at her side of the mattress, sheets still relatively messy where she’d left them. He didn’t touch any of her things. Just preserved them like he could stay in those moments with her. Her chaos was gone, and his routine was shot. He was coming undone, and he didn’t have enough energy left for it to scare him.

 

That night, all three of them had to put on clean clothes and drag themselves out of bed. It was dinner with Tommy night, and he figured it was something Sarah needed.

 

“Are you gonna tell me where we’re going?” Sarah asked, swinging her feet back and forth over the side of his bed.

 

Sarah hadn’t woken up the other night when Ellie snuck out and Tommy came by. It had become something of a secret between the three of them, or maybe a promise not to talk about it.

 

Either way, what Sarah didn’t know wouldn’t kill her.

 

“Nope,” Joel said, spraying a small bit of cologne onto his shirt and walking out of the bathroom.

 

“Ugh, fine,” she muttered.

 

For the first time in a long time, Joel gave a hint of a smile. She was recovering.

 

Sarah jumped down from the bed and followed Joel down the hall.

 

“Ellie, come on, let’s go, we gotta head out,” he called.

 

It took a moment, but eventually her door creaked open and her footsteps trailed down the hall like something distant. She made her way down the stairs and eventually met Sarah and Joel at the front door.  

 

The three of them made a silent exit, and it stretched all the way into the truck. Nothing audible except the faint drone of the wind outside of closed windows. Ellie stayed crumpled against the door, staring out of the window at the trees as they rushed past.

 

In all of the quiet, Sarah felt her stomach churning. Not in the way that meant a hospital trip was around the corner, but the kind she knew meant she was guilty. And she was. She and Ellie had barely spoken in the weeks since Tess died. She liked to pretend she had her life together, but the truth was she was falling apart. The only difference between her and Ellie was that she was already trying to put herself back together. Ellie wasn’t, and that wasn’t necessarily wrong; it was just a kind of different Sarah hadn’t been ready to approach until now.

 

When Joel stopped at a gas station and got out of the truck, Sarah turned in her seat to look at Ellie. They were both in the back that day.

 

“Ellie?” she called.

 

The other didn’t even blink.

 

Sarah moved a little closer and gently poked her shoulder with her index finger. 

 

“Ellie?”

 

Ellie wrapped her hand around the cord of her earbuds and pulled them out.

 

“Yeah?”

 

Sarah hesitated, choking on her own unsaid words. The remorse was thick on her tongue.

 

“I just-” she inhaled sharp, like it physically hurt to speak.

 

It did in a way.

 

“I just wanted to say… I’m sorry. You’ve been going through hell, and I’ve been too wrapped up in my own feelings to be there for you-”

 

“Stop.”

 

“What-”

 

“Sarah, stop.”

 

The command wasn’t aggressive or angry or bitter, just stern. Sarah closed her mouth and listened.

 

“It’s not your fault.”

 

The words felt like a punch to the gut, and Sarah wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to breathe again for a brief moment in time.

 

“Tess died. Whatever she was to you, she was important. Important enough for you to be as upset as you have been. There’s no rushing that.”

 

Sarah’s eyes began to dampen, and she did her best to blink away the overwhelming wave of emotions.

 

“You say that like you know,” she started.

 

That only prompted Ellie to stare out the window long enough for the window of an answer to pass, then moved to put her earbuds back in.

 

“Wait-” Sarah said, grabbing her arm gently.

 

“If you need me, you know I’m here, right?”

 

Ellie chuckled, deflecting as usual.

 

“‘Cause you’re contractually bound by the paperwork?” she joked.

 

“Because you’re family.”

 

Ellie froze. Not hesitated, not deflected, froze. Her eyes locked on Sarah’s like she’d turn to mist and disappear right in front of her eyes.

 

She didn’t answer, and Sarah didn’t push as she watched her put her earbuds back in and press play on her Walkman. She really hoped Ellie would come to her senses one day and realize how wanted and loved she was. Even if it was just by Sarah.

 

~

 

The gravel crunched under the tires like a bad omen, and even through the last notes of her song, Ellie could hear it. A dog barked somewhere in the distance, and kids' laughter echoed down the street. It wasn’t suburban. It was sort of like Bill’s place in the sense that there was plenty of yard and enough space between the houses for privacy, but it was still somewhat of a neighborhood. Still picket fence. 

 

Ellie remembered Tommy. Not just from the night they’d exchanged a few vague words when she ran off to the funeral home, but from the time he was supposed to be her only hope. Part of her still resented him for it, but part of her thanked him. Despite everything, Joel was the only placement she’d ever had that he could say was good. Really, genuinely good. Maybe that was worth something.

 

“You had better be on your very best behavior when we get in here, understand?” Joel asked.

 

It was muffled, but she heard enough.

 

“Yeah,” she said.

 

The only reason Sarah was left out was that Joel wanted to surprise her. Something about Tommy having been MIA for a long time now, and it would be good for her. Ellie thought there was a lot that could go wrong with that, but she wouldn’t challenge it.

 

What she would challenge, however, was Tommy Miller’s apparent inability to keep his animals to himself. Before she could even take two steps from the truck, she was pummeled by some sort of mutt.

 

Her back hit the ground with a thud, and she squirmed, shrieking.

 

“Ellie!”

 

“It’s alright, he doesn’t bite, he’s just excited.”

 

When she registered the dog’s tongue on her cheek, she gently shoved him off and moved into a squat. From there, he mirrored her behavior and sat, panting, waiting to be pet. If she wasn’t so overwhelmed, she might’ve seen herself in the thing.

 

Instead, she gave him a quick pet and stood up.

 

“You alright, kid?”

 

Joel.

 

“Fine,” she agreed.

 

Then her eyes drifted to Sarah, who looked concerned as ever.

 

“Fine,” she reiterated.

 

Sarah nodded, and Ellie turned her attention to the person on the porch. It definitely wasn’t Tommy. A woman with dark skin and darker hair that fell down her back in neat locs. The top of her head was hidden under a cowboy hat, and her appearance matched the aesthetic. She wore rustic-looking flare jeans over a pair of beat-up, but no doubt expensive, cowboy boots. A tank top was pulled taught over a perfectly round belly that looked like it was fixing to pop any day now. Despite the baby stealing her nutrients, she was still pretty toned. She hadn’t just been sitting around, that was for sure. 

 

“You must be Joel,” she said, one arm resting on her stomach and the other on her hip.

 

“Yeah. You Maria?”

 

She chuckled and nodded. Ellie couldn’t decide what to make of her quite yet, but she’d definitely decided she was not trusting her.

 

“That would be me. And if you’re Joel, I’m assuming the one with your eyes is Sarah, and the one with your attitude is Ellie.”

 

The comment nearly gave permission for her to spit out some bitter insult just to get rid of it, but with one glance from Joel she realized beaing a dick too a pregnant lady before she even stepped through the door didn’t really count as behaving.

 

“That would be them, yes.”

 

Maria’s eyes fed through the lot of them, making her judgments before eventually stepping aside to let them in.

 

“He’s out back cooking on the Blackstone. Beer’s in the fridge, there’s juice, water, and sparkling water in there for the kids.”

 

Joel gave a tight nod, and Sarah gave a smile before walking in together. Ellie lingered a moment, suspended between uneasiness and a sense of not belonging.

 

“He’s a good judge of character,” Maria said, nodding to her dog, who was now curled up at her feet.

 

Ellie looked at him for a moment, keeping her gaze far away from the woman.

 

“No,” she started. “He’s not.”

 

She didn’t give another word before walking in.

 

~

 

Sarah was nervous. She didn’t have to say it, he just knew. He always would. In her defense, he hadn’t told her anything about where they were going, and the last time she’d seen Tommy, he’d been a perpetual bachelor with no plans on how long to stay alive. This was entirely different.

 

“Relax, it’ll be worth it when-”

 

He hadn’t even finished his sentence when she slid the glass door to the back porch open. She slipped past the blinds, and he followed. He wished he would’ve caught the look on her face.

 

“Uncle Tommy?”

 

The words were broken in her throat, like shards of glass slicing through her vocal cords.

 

“Hey, sweetheart. Your dad told me you’ve been doing better, so I figured you might like some breakfast for dinner. Not sure if that’s still your things, but I can-”

 

Tommy let out a huff as Sarah’s arms were thrown around him. It knocked the wind out of him, but he wrapped one arm tightly around her, the other was occupied with the spatula as he flipped the pancakes.

 

“Where the hell have you been?!” she shouted, tears already spilling from her eyes.

 

Tommy’s eyes saddened, and he looked at Joel for a moment with the first apology of the day he couldn’t say out loud.

 

“It’s a long story, sweetheart, I’ll tell you everything soon. Why don’t you grab something to drink? Dinner’ll be ready in just a bit.”

 

For a moment, she just pulled back and looked at him, like she couldn’t believe he was telling her to go. After all of this time, he was dismissing her. Then her gaze shifted to Joel, and she realized she wasn’t the only one who needed answers.

 

“Okay,” she finally agreed, though hesitantly.

 

Tommy brushed her cheek gently with her thumb, something soft like ruffling hair.

 

When she left, her absence lingered heavy in the air. A feeling neither Tommy nor Joel could quite explain, but both felt.

 

“She’s all grown up,” Tommy said, the creases in his eyes digging deeper with every memory he didn’t know what to do with.

 

“Yeah,” Joel agreed, eyes on the door like she was still standing there.

 

There was a moment of silence, and Tommy opted to remove the last pancakes from the blackstone.

 

“How’s she doing?” he asked.

 

Another shift in the air, perpetuated by the question mark at the end of his sentence.

 

“Fine, better than she was when you left.”

 

Tommy sighed, picking up the cookie sheet full of breakfast foods and moving towards the door.

 

“Can we at least get through dinner first? Maria don’t need to be stressin’ about nothin’ right now.”

 

Truthfully, Joel had never been much for patience. Especially not with Tommy. He did, however, hate causing a scene. The best thing about problems? They’d still be problems after dinner.

 

“Yeah, okay,” he agreed, pulling the blinds back out of Tommy’s way as he walked inside.

 

~

 

Ellie watched the whole thing from the kitchen window. Sarah had followed Joel outside like a lost duckling, and she figured it was family business. Not the kind that belonged to her. 

 

The word still lingered bitter on her tongue. Family. She wasn’t family without a piece of paper that said somebody officially wanted her, and despite their moment in the funeral home, Ellie knew that wasn’t Joel.

 

It never would be.

 

She knew this because there was one thing in the world that Joel based every decision on, and that was Sarah. Nothing ever came before her. Every problem and every solution stemmed from her. 

 

Ellie could never touch what Sarah was, not to Joel, not to anyone. 

 

Part of her resented Sarah for it, part of her always would, but there was this new fragile part of her that felt about Sarah the way a child would about their favorite stuffed animal. Sarah was an unexplainable comfort to her, and the most evil source of pain.

 

 “Were you looking for a drink?”

 

The voice pierced the air like a warning, and Ellie’s nerves froze up before she could turn around.

 

“No, just… waiting.”

 

She could feel Maria nod in a way she really couldn’t explain, but eventually she found the courage to turn around.

 

“Well, let me make you one anyway,” she said, moving about the kitchen and collecting things before Ellie could protest.

 

She tried to anyway.

 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to-” 

 

“Please. Just sit.”

 

Maria tilted her head in the direction of the kitchen island. There were a few chairs lined up on the backside of it. Ellie took a seat and watched the other work.

 

She wasn’t just popping a can of soda either. She was muddling fruit into a sort of tin with a weird lid.

 

“What is that?” she asked, but there was no real bite to it.

 

“It’s a shaker. For making drinks.”

 

Ellie’s eyes widened, her heartbeat speeding up a little.

 

“Like at a bar?”

 

Maria didn’t question how she knew. That she both found odd and sort of comforting. There was still judgment, but she was starting to get the idea it had nothing to do with her.

 

“Yeah, like at a bar. I’m obviously not giving you alcohol, you couldn’t pass for anything more than sixteen if you tried. I do, however,  know what low Vitamin C looks like when I see it. You’ve got more bruises than a kid your age should, and as many doubts as I have about Joel him hurting you like that is not one of them. It’s cherry limeade. Better than water, I figure.”

 

She was done mixing by the time she poured the juice into a glass. She topped it off with plain soda water and another cherry, then placed it on the counter in front of her.

 

“Thanks,” she said quietly.

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

The comment about Joel hadn’t slipped past her head. She was confident that Joel would never physically hurt her. But that wasn’t what Maria was talking about, so what?

 

The woman had an odd sense of intuition.

 

“Look, I’m not going to ask you how you got with him-”

 

“Good.”

 

“But there are clearly things you don’t know about Joel.”

 

“Really? Cause you live with him and I don’t,” she spat, eyes locking on Maria’s like a challenge.

 

“You’re right. You are around him more often, so you should understand my concern.”

 

“Well, I don’t.”

 

Maria sighed and pulled a chair out to sit down next to her.

 

“I know about the sneaking out.”

 

Ellie felt a chill run down her spine at that. For some reason, it didn’t feel like she was just talking about the funeral home.

 

“Joel let you out of his sight once, what happens when-”

 

“He didn’t let me do anything. I’ve had a lot of practice; it wasn’t his fault, and Tommy came running to the rescue too. You worried about him?”

 

There was another pause, and Maria’s gaze moved to the window where Tommy was still flipping pancakes outside.

 

“Actually, Ellie, I am.”

 

The use of her name in a sentence like that made her feel small in a way she couldn’t quite explain.

 

“See, Tommy and I are going to have a baby soon. I can’t be worried about my child if Tommy is out running around keeping Joel’s head screwed on.”

 

Ellie scoffed at that.

 

“Well then, maybe you need to get your priorities straight.”

 

Maria’s expression contorted into something taken aback, but not offended. Maybe even impressed.

 

“Tommy is a grown man, he can make his own decisions.”

 

Maria nodded.

 

“You’re right,” she started. “But therein lies the point. Be very careful of who you put your faith in. The only people who can betray us are the ones we trust.”

 

Ellie just sat with that for a moment. No slick remarks, no defenses, just silence. Contemplation. Did she trust Joel? Would she be there if she didn’t?

 

“Come on, let’s go set the table.”

 

~

 

The dinner table was blanketed thick with tension. It was a wire pulled too tight, just asking someone to give it a reason to snap.

 

“Help yourselves, the two of us aren’t going to eat all of this by ourselves,” Maria said, handing a plate of pancakes to Joel.

 

“Thank you, ma’am,” he started, taking two and passing the plate to Sarah. “Regretably, it’s been a while since the three of us have had a home-cooked meal.”

 

His gratitude was hard to hear over Ellie’s fork scraping her plate.

 

“Actually, I’ve had a homecooked meal twice in my whole life, this is fucking amazing.”

 

Joel’s eyes narrowed in her direction, reminding her of his prior warning about behavior.

 

“Ellie, language,” he corrected.

 

She just stayed silent and continued to eat. 

 

“It’s alright, Joel, you said plenty worse when you were her age,” Tommy interjected with a chuckle.

 

Ellie smiled a little at the thought.

 

“Yeah and Dad beat the shit outta me for it,” Joel corrected, topping his pancakes with some fruit and syrup and a cheesecake spread Maria made.

 

Speaking of which, her back stiffened at his words, and Tommy shifted.

 

“So… Uncle Tommy, you said you would tell me where you’ve been,” Sarah spoke up, still neatly cutting her pancakes into squares.

 

He smiled and gave a gentle nod, taking Maria’s hand gently before looking back to Sarah.

 

“Military, sweetheart. Army. Can’t exactly tell you where I was, but if you watched the news any in the past four years, I’m sure you know.”

 

Sarah’s expression was almost unreadable. Relief, anger, bitterness, sadness, all of the stages of grief, all mixed into one. She was happy he was home, but still hurt that he’d left in the first place.

 

“Cool, what did you do there?” Ellie asked.

 

The words were fast, like she was trying to get them out before Joel noticed. He did, though, and he shot her a glare.

 

“Don’t ask him that, what is wrong with you?”

 

Tommy gave him a sort of scolding look.

 

“Relax, Joel. She’s a kid. Let her ask questions,” then he turned back to her. “I was a sniper.”

 

“Sick,” Ellie returned, and there was a genuine smile on her face that seemed to successfully lighten the mood.

Even if it was just for a moment. 

 

“So, how did you two meet?” Ellie eventually asked, keeping her eyes on her plate.

 

That one even coaxed a smile from her royal highness across the table.

 

“You wanna tell it?” Tommy asked, glancing over at her.

 

Maria’s eyes brightened a little, and she nodded.

 

“At a bar near here, just outside of the city. I was out with a couple of my attorney friends. One did JAG law in the Navy, but she was called in to work a case-”

 

“Tommy’s?” Ellie asked, and Joel didn’t stop her.

 

His fork slowed, and he listened harder than he had before.

 

“Something like that. It’s not important. Anyways, Tommy was out with some of his buddies from one of his squads, and she recognized him. Introduced us…”

“And that was that? All sunshine, rainbows, and happy ever afters?”

 

Tommy laughed out loud at that.

 

“No, actually, she hated my guts. Thought I was a cocky son of a bitch, but I was a thorn in her side. Chased her around like a lost puppy till she caught feelings,” he explained.

 

“Sounds right,” Joel finally chimed in.

 

Sarah smiled. For a while, everything was still. Calm.

 

~

 

When dinner was over with, the girls moved into the living room to watch a movie. To his surprise, Joel didn’t have to fight Ellie to get her to go. She just went. She seemed to be in a better mood than earlier, so he took the win.

 

He and Tommy were in the kitchen doing dishes like they used to when they were kids. Only now it was accompanied by two Coronas instead of one, and Tommy’s incessant pleas to have one too.

 

“Well, that wasn’t a total disaster,” Tommy said, taking a plate from Joel and loading it onto the bottom rack.

 

“Coulda been worse,” he agreed.

 

“That kid of yours, she’s got one hell of a light to her,” Tommy said with a chuckle.

 

Joel took a long sip of his beer and handed him another plate.

 

“That’s one way to put it.”

 

“Well, either way-” Tommy paused, taking a sip of his own drink. “I’m glad you guys are here. Thanks for still givin’ a shit about me.”

 

Joel just nodded like there was nothing to it. There wasn’t. There never had been.

 

“I can’t say I’m not surprised about her, though. I mean… with Sarah the way she is, I never figured…”

 

He had to tread very carefully with his words. A similar conversation was the reason he and Joel had fallen out in the first place. One way or another, it always came back to Sarah.

 

“Like I said, she was a favor for Marlene. Didn’t have anywhere else to go, that’s all.”

 

Tommy chuckled like the statement was some unbelievable fiction.

 

“Really? Goodness of your heart?” he challenged.

 

“Well, you know how Sarah is. You’dve thought she was askin’ me to take in a stray cat, and she has those eyes, which she learned from you by the way.”

 

Tommy chuckled in response and nodded, but his eyes stayed on the bottle in his hand.

 

“She’ll be out soon, and it’ll be like she was never there to start.”

 

The silence only grew in that. The words felt bitter even if he didn’t mean them that way. It was bullshit and they both knew it. But who was Tommy to call him out on that? A used to be brother, maybe.

 

“That so?”

 

Joel quirked a brow and stiffened a bit.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

Tommy lifted one hand in surrender.

 

“I’m not insinuatin’ nothin’, just… well Tess was in family law, you know how these things go. Sometimes it takes a while. When’s the last time you heard from Marlene?”

 

That hit like a brick to the chest. One with realization carved into it. He hadn’t heard from Marlene in weeks, and before the last time he’d heard from her, it was longer than that. Sure, placements were tight when it wasn’t an emergency, but this was different. This was deliberate. She’d been trying to get him to keep her since the beginning. That’s what all of this was. 

 

Then he remembered what Tess had said in the kitchen months ago. She’d spoken to Marlene. Maybe she had been all along, and her death was just the crack in the mirror that made him realize the two most important things he could. He wasn’t keeping Ellie out of obligation anymore, not even really care, it was something deeper. She wasn’t just something for him to store anymore. She wasn’t cargo. She was becoming something he couldn’t afford to have. Something he couldn’t afford to lose. 

 

“Then you take her,” Joel suggested.

 

Tommy scoffed.

 

“I can’t do that, Joel.”

 

“Why, cause your wife won’t let you?”

 

The words poured out like some vitriolic instinct.

 

“She the one that got you to change your number?”

 

Tommy sighed and shook his head.

 

“I was in the desert for four years. I couldn’t exactly have a telephone strapped to my side. When I got back, I found Maria. We’ve built a life together here, somethin’ real good. I just wanted to live in it a while, I didn’t-”

 

“I’m your brother.”

 

“Yeah, I’m aware. Things are different now, though, I gotta be protective of this place-”

 

“Yeah, right. Cause the wrong people might show up if you don’t.”

 

“That’s not what I-”

 

“Is that what I am? Am I the wrong people?”

 

“Will you let me finish a sentence?”

 

The question was final, punctuated like he’d had enough. It wasn’t something easy to draw out of him. Joel knew that much, and he backed up a step in response.

 

“I’m not perfect, Joel. I’ve spent the last five years trying to find somethin’ to fight for. Lord knows you were done fightin’ and you were the one that taught me how.”

 

“So this is my fault?”

 

“It’s nobody’s fault, damn it!”

 

He paused and lowered his voice into something that sounded like desperation.

 

“We’re just people, and people do dumb and selfish things to make life a little more livable, but I’ve killed too many men to live by the sentiment of survival. I’m choosin’ my peace, Joel. After all of this, bullshit I’m choosing peace, and you could too.”

 

Joel chuckled, low, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He couldn’t.

 

“Is that what you’re calling it? Choosing peace?”

 

Tommy sighed and straightened up, keeping his eyes on Joel now.

 

“I’m gonna be a father. That much I’m sure you noticed…” he paused, actually giving Joel time to explode or interject wherever he needed.

 

Truthfully, Tommy felt like a teen again, uttering the words. Like he wasn’t a grown man settling down into life. Like this wasn’t an acceptable thing at his age. Joel had always been more of a father to him than their actual father, it was no wonder he felt that way.

 

“To be honest, I’m terrified. I’ve gotta be more careful now, I don’t know how to do this shit. I been an uncle a long time, I ain’t never been somebody’s dad. I just… I hope I’m good. I think I could be…”

 

There was something small and shy in the way he spoke. Like he truly didn’t believe he was good enough to do the job. He was searching for comfort. 

 

Joel didn’t have any to give.

 

“I guess we’ll find out.”

 

Tommy’s heart sank at that. His face flushed red, and he could’ve stumbled on how thick the words were in the air.

 

“I guess we’ll find out?” he repeated, like he was unsure he’d heard correctly.

 

“That’s all you’ve got?”

 

Joel didn’t seem to react. Just took another stoic sip of his beer that made Tommy want to punch him right in the throat.

 

“What else am I supposed to say?”

 

There was another long stretch of silence where the two of them just stared at each other. Tommy’s face still shocked and confused, and Joel’s showing no emotion at all.

 

Tommy hesitated before uttering a very dangerous sentence.

 

“Just because life stopped for you… doesn’t mean it has to stop for me.”

 

There it was. There was always some stupid thing that Tommy had the guts to go and say. Some awful thing that clawed at the foundations of their brotherhood and threatened to tear it all apart. It had once. Maybe now it would again. Maybe for good this time.

 

“Thanks for the hospitality,” Joel said, chugging the last of his beer and tossing it in the trash before turning to the doorway that led out of the kitchen.

 

It was time to go.

 

~

 

Ellie didn’t speak to Joel in the days that followed. In fact, she didn’t speak much at all. If he noticed a difference, he didn’t say anything. 

 

At that point, she wouldn’t have cared either way. 

 

She wasn’t sure what all went on at Tommy’s that day, but she knew enough. She’d heard bits of their conversation in the kitchen.

 

She’ll be out soon.

 

It’ll be like she was never there to start.

 

The worst part was that she was just starting to think maybe something could be real for once. She was wrong.

 

That would be why, even with thunder rolling over the soccer field, the last ten minutes of practice canceled, and Sarah already packing their stuff, Ellie kept kicking. In fact, she kicked the ball so hard that it broke the corner of the net.

 

She only stopped when the coach’s whistle sounded.

 

“Ellie!”

 

Shit.

 

She let out a shaky exhale and turned around, making her way over to him.

 

“Yes sir?”

 

She uttered the words like they pained her.

 

“Relax, you’re not in trouble, I just-” he sighed, and she picked up on what looked like concern in his eyes.

 

“Is everything okay at home?”

 

Ellie quirked a brow. 

 

“What?”

 

People never asked her that. Even when she’d been beaten half to death. They either called the office, and she somehow suffered, or they ignored it altogether, which was the preferred option.

 

“Well… it’s just that you’ve been extra tired recently. I can tell in the way you’re running and the dark circles you got. You just don’t seem like yourself.”

 

She couldn’t get an answer in before Sarah called out to her from the bleachers.

 

“Ellie, Dad’s here!”

 

Her eyes shifted back to Coach Stetson.

 

“I’m fine,” she said.

 

There was finality in the phrase, but she didn’t move yet.

 

“Okay, well, if that changes, or if you need somebody to talk to, I’m here. No judgment,” he concluded.

 

Ellie hesitated again. Not for long, but a moment long enough.

 

“Ellie!”

 

Her attention snapped back to Sarah, and she nodded, already beginning her jog to the bleachers.

 

~

 

The ride home was almost silent. Ellie preferred it that way anyways, but of course, Joel had other plans.

 

“You girls shower and get packed when we get home. You have another infusion Wednesday.”

 

The comment was directed to Sarah, so Ellie didn’t bother with input. Not until she was forced to anyway.

 

“Ellie, you hear me?”

 

She yanked one earbud out, but didn’t turn her eyes to him.

 

“Yeah. Shower, pack, Sarah’s infusion, got it.”

 

He nodded, and that was the end of that. 

 

God, it was going to be a long night.

 

~

 

The drive to Pittsburgh wasn’t so terrible this time around. The truck didn’t break down somewhere random, and they stayed in the same big hotel they had the first time around.

 

Sarah convinced Joel to stop at the coffee place again, and Ellie forced down some breakfast ‘burrito’ which was really just turkey sausage and eggs thrown onto a tortilla with a salsa packet on the side. It was dry, and she didn’t use the sauce. Somehow, eating it made her more tired than not. Maybe it was the energy it took not to self-implode while sitting there listening to Sarah’s thoughts.

 

The infusions were slightly better. Sarah wasn’t as sick this time around, and Sam and Henry were there. Ellie had forgotten how much she’d enjoyed talking with the brothers. Henry was probably closer to her age than Sam was, but it didn’t matter much. Sam liked Savage Starlight, and that was enough to keep them entertained while Sarah tried to make sense of what they were on about.

 

“It’s just something your feeble mind could never understand, Sarah,” she said, rolling her eyes playfully and looking back to the issue.

 

Sam laughed. He wasn’t fully sure what had been said, but the reactions were enough.

 

When Ellie realized they might’ve left him out a little, she grabbed the dry-erase board he used to communicate and wrote something down.

 

I called her mind feeble .

 

Sam laughed even more when he got the chance to read it. That elicited a giggle from Ellie, then Sarah laughed because Ellie and Sam were laughing, and for a minute, it was one big circle of laughter.

 

It was the best Ellie had felt in a long time.

 

“Hey, what’s that thing you guys always say? The one from the comic book,” Sarah finally said.

 

Ellie’s lips twisted into a mischievous grin, and she locked eyes with Sam.

He’d written once for her that he could read lips if she talked slow enough for him to catch the syllables. So, she rounded her words like a movie announcer for dramatic flair and spoke in a suspenseful tone.

 

“To the edge of the universe…”

 

Sam caught on quick and began to sign.

 

“...and back. Endure and survive.”

 

She spoke and he signed, but by the end, they were both repeating it so that she could learn the sign too.

 

“Endure and survive,” she finally signed.

 

“Fuck yeah, man!”

 

The exclamation followed a high five, and a scolding about her voice level and language from Joel followed that.

 

Sarah chuckled and leaned her head back on the headrest.

 

“I’m getting a little sleepy. I think I’m gonna take a nap, wake me up if you need me,” she said, already closing her eyes.

 

“Aye aye, captain.”

 

~

 

Joel sat across the room at a round table with Henry. Joel had a coffee, and Henry had a diet Sprite.

 

“When I was a kid, I used to beg my mom for these in the vending machine down the hall from our apartment,” he said with a chuckle.

 

“Diet Sprite?” Joel asked, like it was some unheard-of concoction.

 

“Yeah. It’s less syrupy than the original recipe,” he explained.

 

Joel had never thought much about it, but truthfully, he wasn’t a soda drinker. He lived on energy drinks, water, and powder Kool-Aid mix. Come to think of it, he probably needed his blood sugar checked.

 

“Your brother…” Joel finally said, trying to fill the silence. “You take care of him?”

 

Henry nodded.

 

“Since I was eighteen,” he confirmed. “Our mom died a couple months after he was born. I adopted him legally, and now it’s just me and him against the world.”

 

His eyes drifted over to Sam, who was giggling with Ellie over some old comic book. Joel looked at Ellie, then Sarah briefly, then back to Ellie.

 

“Your girl, she have cancer?” Henry asked.

 

Joel’s eyes widened slightly, and then he remembered what the doctor had said about the treatment being experimental and showing improvement in cancer patients and certain rare illnesses.

 

“No, she’s got a Chronic Intestinal Pseudo-Obstruction. She was diagnosed at ten. It comes and goes, she’s doing good as of right now,” he explained, hating the assurance as it fell from his lips.

 

He hated saying she was okay. He wasn’t superstitious, but he didn’t like getting his hopes up. It made it harder to deal with when she crashed.

 

“What about your brother?” he asked.

 

“Sam? Leukemia.”

 

Joel was silent for a moment, like the diagnosis was heavy on his tongue. It formed condolences like they were at a funeral. Like the boy had no chance.

 

“I’m s-”

 

“Sorry?” Henry interjected.

 

“Don’t be. He’s not out of time yet; the more you treat them like they are, the less time they seem to have. Right?”

 

Joel didn’t know how to answer that. Not because it was true, but because it was spot on.

 

“I don’t know what you’re waiting on, man, the answer’s simple. We hold onto them because they’re the last we have of us. The rest was gone the day we realized their clocks were ticking faster than ours.”

 

The lump in Joel’s throat grew, and suddenly it was harder to breathe than before.

 

“You’re lucky, though. You’ve got more than one.”

 

Joel opened his mouth to protest, but no words fell out.

 

“I see the way you look at her.” Henry’s eyes drifted to Ellie for a moment, then back to Joel. “You might not be her father, but there’s no telling the two of them they aren’t sisters. You look at that one different and you’ve convinced yourself it's because she’s a liability to your attention, but that’s not the truth, is it? You push her away because deep down you know she’s a distraction… for both of you.”

 

For a second, Joel looked over at Sarah. Her eyes were closed, peaceful in sleep. Then to Ellie. Her face flushed with heat from telling some grand tale of space and acting out every part. If he wasn’t hurting so much, he might’ve smiled. If it were Sarah, he might’ve smiled. Therein lay the issue. She wasn’t Sarah. She never would be Sarah, and it wasn’t fair to reduce her to some bonus kid.

 

Thankfully, he didn’t have to respond. The machine beeped, which meant the end of Sarah’s treatment, and he was over there in the blink of an eye.

Notes:

This chapter pained me to write. So will the next one, but the one after that will have happiness for days, I swear it. Anyways, thanks for reading! As always, feel free to leave comments and tell me what you liked! I always enjoy the feedback.

Chapter 22: I Love You, I Don't Know Why, I Just Do

Summary:

sadness and despair. i've cried a ridiculous amount of times writing this. please do not trace my IP address I'll repent later.

He knew the signs like the back of his hand. It started with sleeping too much. Then she’d be up at ungodly hours of the night thinking he didn’t notice. He always did. When she started losing weight, he knew he couldn’t just chalk it up to grief anymore. He had to be more mindful. She was having a harder time breathing, eating, even moving from her room to the kitchen seemed to pain her.

 

He had to convince himself not to drag her to the ER for weeks. But then she spent a night throwing up, and he gave in.

 

She was hunched over the toilet, breath ragged around the chunks of sickness in her throat and nasal cavity.

 

Ellie was next to her, rubbing her back and doing her best not to breathe.

 

“Yep, get it out,” she said, voice strained around the air she was trying not to let in.

 

Despite how uneasy the space felt with Ellie sitting there, he tried as hard as he could to focus on Sarah. She was the important thing then.

 

“Alright, no arguments, baby, we gotta get you to the emergency room.”

 

Sarah sighed something that sounded like the will of an angsty teen not wanting to give up their iPod.

 

“People get sick sometimes, Dad. I know my body. It’s probably just a stomach bug or food poisoning.”

 

The more she tried to explain it away like she hadn’t spent a third of her life dealing with this and the more uncomfortable Ellie grew between the tub and the toilet, the more he had to fight raising his voice. 

 

He loved Sarah, there was no question about that, but he hated when she fought him, because it was never about being sick. There was always some underlying thing, and then he was sure he knew what that thing was.

 

“Maybe, but I can’t take that chance. You know that, so please, just let me get you to the hospital.”

 

“Dad-”

 

“Sarah!” 

 

The exclamation hit hard, like a clap of thunder after lightning cracks through the sky. Sarah’s shuddering ceased for a moment, like her whole body was processing. Ellie’s fingers on her back twitched almost instinctively. Protectively. Joel caught both things and eased himself back to calm.

 

“Please, just give me the night,” Sarah choked out.

 

The way she said it only served to scare him more. It sounded like a dying wish, and he couldn’t let that be what this was.  At the same time, she wasn’t ten years old anymore. Bossing her around and telling her he knew what was best for a body that wasn’t his could cause more stress and then what? If this wasn’t a flare up he could cause one by being a dick. This whole thing was a catch-22.

 

“Okay,” he eventually said, but his eyes lingered on Sarah a little too long.

 

Then they snapped to Ellie with warning.

 

“You, if anything, and I mean anything out of the ordinary happens, you come and tell me, do you understand?”

 

For once, she was genuine when she nodded in response. 

 

Joel mirrored the motion, and just like that, he was walking down the hall to his room with a pit in his stomach.

 

None of this was right. He could feel it.

 

~

 

Ellie had become a nurse overnight. Sarah taught her the ropes of checking her vitals with the pulse ox and blood pressure cuff she kept in a bucket of medical supplies under her bed.

 

Currently, Ellie was sat on her knees next to Sarah in her bed. She was on top of the covers, placing a cold rag on Sarah’s head to dull the fever.

 

“Sarah, I really think we should tell Joel. I’ve never seen you get like this before,” Ellie said cautiously.

 

Sarah’s eyes were half lidded, and even in the darkness, Ellie could see every line of exhaustion on her face.

 

“I’ve been worse, promise,” she said, barely above a whisper.

 

“I’m sure, but-”

 

“Ellie, please.”

 

She shut up at that. Her hands shook as they hovered over the rag, trying to figure out what to do now. The thought hadn’t even occurred to her that this could be another moment of loss, right now, she didn’t care about the possibilities; she just needed Sarah to be okay.

 

“Why are you fighting this so hard? You’ve been in the hospital a million times, I know it’s not the most comfortable place, but they’ll make you better-”

 

“No, they won’t.”

 

Ellie paused, her brows stitching together in confusion.

 

“What do you mean they won’t?”

 

“I mean that what I have is not curable. It’s gonna kill me one day, and honestly, Ellie, I’m tired of fighting it. I’m tired of being sick all the time, when I can remember what it was like to be normal. To take a full breath, to eat whatever I wanted… to play sports and not feel like I’m on fire.”

 

Ellie shook her head.

 

“The infusions, though, that’s improvement,” she protested.

 

“I'm still sick, aren’t I?”

 

This wasn’t right. Sarah was always the light in the darkness. She was the one that made things seem possible when the bleakness took over. She was supposed to be positive. She couldn’t do this; Ellie wasn’t just going to let her give up.

 

“Don’t do that, don’t you fucking dare,” Ellie challenged, the words strained against the grief in her throat.

 

“Ellie-”

 

“No! Listen to me you are not fucking giving up. I am not gonna sit here and watch you kill yourself.”

 

Sarah sighed and squeezed her eyes shut in ten different kinds of pain.

 

“Why do you care so much-”

 

“Because I fucking love you, Sarah! Okay?”

 

The exclamation came with total blinding fear. Tears were stinging at her eyes and her whole body shook.

 

“You’re the only family I’ve ever had, and I can’t-” she paused and let out a sob she wasn’t trying to hide. “-I can’t lose you.”

 

Sarah’s eyes opened again and took in the entirety of Ellie’s presence. She’d never seen her like this. Not once. It scared her too.

 

“Ellie…”

 

There was another pause before Sarah pushed herself up on her elbows despite the pain, then upright completely. She held her arms out for Ellie, who quickly dismissed her.

 

“Stop, I don’t want to hurt you!” 

 

Sarah moved past the shake in Ellie’s voice and scooted closer.

 

“No, don’t- don’t!”

 

The commands were ignored, and Sarah pulled Ellie into her arms. She crashed like a wave, melting into her, holding onto her shirt like it was keeping the whole world steady. Ellie wailed something Sarah had never heard before, not just her, but from anyone. She had no idea what this kind of anguish was, but she knew it didn’t just come from being scared to lose someone. It came from losing everyone.

 

“Shh, it’s okay, I’ve got you. I promise.”

 

~

 

Ellie slept on the floor that night. She refused to leave Sarah’s side. In fact, she didn’t even leave the room until she woke up. Thankfully, she was right. She was fine in the morning. Her vitals were normal, and she didn’t feel sick.

 

Neither of them spoke of that night after. It was just some secret that the two of them carried close to their chests. But from then on out, Ellie stopped pushing Sarah away. 

 

What Joel said at dinner with Tommy was still burned into the back of her mind like a brand, but she tried to ignore it. If he wanted her gone bad enough, she already would be.

That made it easier to push the thoughts to the back of her mind.

 

Currently, she sat right where she had been all of that night. Sarah was laying in her bed with a calendar mapping out what the next school year would be. They only had a few weeks left in summer, and regrettably, Ellie felt like she’d wasted it. There were good moments. Like the ice cream parlor or watching movies with Sarah. Trips to Pittsburgh and seeing Sam and Henry, but she felt like something was missing.

 

“You ever want to get out of here and just go somewhere? Other than soccer, I feel like we’re just kind of stuck here. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been stuck worse places for longer, but I don’t know, this is different.”

 

Sarah chuckled a little and nodded.

 

“Yep, welcome to my world.”

 

Ellie huffed and blew a stray curl away from her face.

 

“Alright, I have something, but I need your help,” Sarah said, closing her calendar and tossing it on the desk next to her bed.

 

“Help? With what?” Ellie asked, standing up.

 

“The setup! Gotta black out the window first.”

 

Ellie raised a brow in confusion, but she followed long with it, crawling onto the bed and grabbing a corner of the thick fleece blanket Sarah was holding.

 

“Just fold it over the top of the window right there. It’ll stay.”

 

Ellie followed the instruction without pause, and soon the only light in the room was slivers of the morning sun from the sides like the hallway light under the door at midnight.

 

“Okay, now what?” 

 

Sarah turned to her with a smile brighter than she’d seen in a long time.

 

“Now we build.”

 

~

 

Joel worked that day. It was good, it kept his mind busy so it didn’t wander to all the things he couldn’t change. The fact that Sarah was growing up, his conversation with Henry, with Bill all those months ago, Tommy… Tess.

 

Currently, he was on the roof of a house in some new neighborhood that was too expensive for the average person to afford but not desirable enough for the rich. He never worried himself much with the philosophies of his job; it was a job, he got paid, that was that, but something had him thinking differently. Something had him thinking, and he didn’t like that.

 

For a moment, he stopped what he was doing. He sat down someplace relatively safe and pulled his phone from the clip on his belt. 

 

He opened his contacts and hovered over the call button under Sarah’s name for a good five minutes before clicking it off again. He needed to learn how to leave her be.

 

Just as he was scolding himself, another call came through.

 

This one was unexpected.

 

~

 

By the time Sarah and Ellie were done, they had a blanket fort for the ages. Fairylights twinkled in the corners of the sheets above them and they had enough pillows and linen to bury themselves in and never have to come back up. At least that was how it felt.

 

“I’ve never been in one of these before,” Ellie said, turning on her side to face Sarah.

 

“I haven’t done this in a long time. I used to build them all the time with Uncle Tommy when I was a kid.”

 

Ellie’s smile faded a little at the mention of Tommy.

 

Flashes of Joel’s conversation with him played back in her mind. The tone in his voice, the way he dismissed her like she meant nothing. She couldn’t understand why it hurt so much to be unwanted. She’d dealt with it her whole life. Maybe it was the fact that just for a second, she was foolish enough to think he was different.

 

“You gonna tell me what’s wrong?”

 

Ellie was silent for a moment, formulating the words in her mind as she picked at her nails.

 

“I’m not gonna be here forever, Sarah.”

 

She wanted to tell her the truth. She wanted to let Sarah know how angry she was with Joel and to tell her what Joel had said, but there was something stopping her. Guilt maybe? No matter how upset she was, she couldn’t turn Sarah against her father. Sarah was all Joel had. Ellie wasn’t important enough to stand in the way of that.

 

“What are you talking about?” Sarah asked, rolling to face Ellie.

 

Now they were both looking at each other. The truth was screaming in the silence.

 

“This was always supposed to be temporary. Some day real soon I’m gonna be somewhere else and it’ll be like none of this ever existed.”

 

The muscles in Sarah’s cheeks twitched, and her eyes stung. She shook her head.

 

“Stop that, Ellie. You’re not going anywhere.”

 

“Sarah-”

 

“No, you don’t just get to break down begging me to stay and then turn around and prepare me for when you leave. We’re not doing that. You’re family. I told you that, you admitted it too. You’re not going anywhere.”

 

“But Joel-”

 

“Fuck what he thinks! Ellie I am not lettin you go back to some group home or shitty placement where you get beat on the daily and fed once a week if you’re lucky. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

 

Ellie didn’t know what to say to that. She knew Sarah wasn’t bluffing. She would never forgive Joel if he sent Ellie away, but he wasn’t sure that would stop him this time. The thing about him was that Sarah could only convince him of so much. He cared so much about protecting her that he would destroy every fiber of their relationship just to keep her alive. 

 

No matter how hard Sarah tried, she couldn’t save Ellie.

 

“Okay,” Ellie finally agreed, wiping the tear she didn’t realize had escaped until then.

 

“Okay,” Sarah concluded, leaving no room for argument.

 

There was a moment of silence and Sarah rolled back onto her back.

 

A few minutes passed of them just laying there, staring at the roof of their fort, wondering what was next. Then Sarah got the idea to clear the air with something good.

 

“I’ll be right back,” she said.

 

Ellie had no time to object because Sarah was out the bedroom door faster than she could even sit up.

 

It didn’t take her long to come back, but when she did, she had her father’s guitar by the neck, carefully shuffling back into the fort with it.

 

Ellie curled up in the corner to give Sarah and the instrument enough space.

 

“What are you going to play?” she asked curiously.

 

Sarah shrugged.

 

“What do you want me to play?”

 

Ellie thought about it for a moment. The only thing that came to mind was a song that would rip her to shreds coming from Sarah’s voice, so she opted for a prompt rather than a request.

 

“Something quiet.”

 

Sarah’s face twisted into some thinking expression as she racked her brain for an option.

 

“Okay,” she finally said, adjusting a bit and moving the capo to the third fret.

 

Ellie didn’t recognize the song. It was something almost folksy. It wasn’t exactly sad, but it didn’t feel happy either. Maybe nostalgic?

 

It was only when Sarah began to sing that the feeling became overwhelming in a way.

 

“No longer a danger to herself or others, she made up her mind and laced up her shoes. Yelled down the hall, but nobody answered, so she walked outside without an excuse. She could do anything she wants to, she could do whatever she wants to do, she could go home, but she’s not going to.”

 

Ellie heard Sarah sing once before. A small fleeting moment where the first few chords of some old song rang out and her thoughts fell out with the lyrics, but this was different. It was personal, like it had been written just for her, even if it wasn’t.

“So she picks a direction, it’s ninety to Memphis, turns up the music so thoughts don’t intrude. Predictably winds up thinkin’ of Elvis, and wonders if he believes songs could come true. I’m asking for it if they do. Doesn’t know what she wants, or what she’s gonna do. A rebel without a clue…”

 

Sarah looked up from the strings, but she didn’t stop playing. Her eyes met Ellie’s with a look she couldn’t decipher. It wasn’t pity, that much she could tell. 

 

“So we spent what was left of our Serotonin, to chew on our cheeks and stare at the moon. Said she knows she lived through it to get to this moment, ate a sleeve of saltines on my floor and I knew then, I would do anything you want me to. I would do anything for you. I would do anything, whatever you want me to do, I will do.”

 

The rest of it sounded something between reassurance and a plea, and Ellie couldn’t stop her eyes from watering. She wanted more than anything to stay. She wanted to beg Joel to keep her, even if it meant giving into weakness and admitting she needed him.

 

Ellie had been lying to herself ever since that moment on the roof at Bill’s. It wasn’t just about Sarah anymore. Joel was a dick. He was mean and brooding, and he’d rather stab himself in the heart than let himself feel something, but he was all she had. He and Sarah were the only real thing she’d ever known, and as much as she loved Sarah… she loved him too. She didn’t know why… she just did. That was why it hurt so much. No matter how much more life she had to live, that love would never go away. She’d learned well from all the loss she’d endured; there was no pain worse than love.

 

“That was good,” Ellie said, giving a firm nod like she’d just closed a business deal.

 

Sarah smiled a little.

 

“It’s one of my favorites.”

 

Ellie nodded again, and as if on cue, the door creaked open. Sarah jumped a little and turned her head to the direction of the noise.

 

“Not bad, kiddo.”

 

Speak of the devil.

 

“Thanks,” she said, and Ellie could feel the unspoken tension.

 

It made her stomach churn with guilt and regret. She never should have said anything.

 

“You’re home early.”

 

Joel sighed.

 

“Yeah, well uh… we gotta make a trip.”

 

Sarah rose a brow, and Ellie’s ears perked up.

 

“A trip? I don’t have another appointment until next month,” Sarah said, doing her best to read Joel’s expression.

 

“It’s not for you, babygirl.”

 

Babygirl.

 

Ellie had been around long enough to know now that he only called her that when things were bad. When she was sick or when something was wrong.

 

Her heart started to beat a little faster.

 

“I know,” he paused, and Sarah’s eyes urged him to keep going.

 

He didn’t. Not right away at first. Instead, he sat down, his dusty work jeans crinkled as they scraped the wood beneath him.

 

There wasn’t much room left in the fort, so he didn’t go all the way in, just laid on his side and propped himself up on his elbow halfway inside.

 

“What song did you play?” he asked.

 

“ Graceland Too , what is going on?” she pushed.

 

Joel glanced at the sheet roof, tracing the string of fairy lights, and doing anything but answering the question.

 

“I got a call from Henry.”

 

Everything stilled.

 

“Henry?” Sarah repeated, like the name was foreign.

 

“Yeah…” Joel paused and took a deep breath, like the words would cut her. “Sam, he’s uh… he’s not doing so well.”

 

Ellie’s heart sank to her stomach. Sam. The same Sam that was just teaching her lines from Savage Starlight in sign. The same Sam that helped Sarah when her first treatment made her sick. He was okay. He was fine at their last appointment.

 

“What do you mean ‘not doing well’? He’s fine, we just saw him,” Sarah said.

 

Ellie stayed silent, her thoughts caught in her throat like a clogged drain.

 

“His cancer… it got more aggressive,” Joel explained.

 

“But he’ll be fine, right? He’s gonna be okay.”

 

Ellie could see the way his breath faltered as he decided how to answer. Sam wasn’t going to be okay. She got to add one more person to the list of people she’d had to bury.

 

“I don’t think so, baby. I’m sorry.”

 

Sarah sat there for a moment, staring into the space in front of her.

 

“Sarah-”

 

“I need some air.”

 

She didn’t leave room for argument. She just slipped out of the blanket fort and disappeared down the hall to some unknown location.

 

Ellie watched as Joel stayed put. It surprised her that he wasn’t immediately up and bolting after her like a lost puppy. He just sat there, staring at the floor like it was his fault Sam was dying.

Ellie didn’t say anything. What was there to say? In that moment, names disappeared and they were just a man in a girl sitting in the weight of grief. They were existing in the same space. Ellie wouldn’t beg him to stay, and Joel wouldn’t think about how to get rid of her. They were just there in that stale bedroom air, wishing things were different.

 

~

 

They left late in the night. They ate dinner, washed up, packed, and loaded everything into the truck. The entire drive was silent. Sarah slept, and Ellie stared out the window like the answers to her problems were in the trees.

 

They weren’t.

 

The problem was that she didn’t have a home. As much as she tried to convince herself she belonged in the Miller house, she didn’t. She never would. It was an extended hotel stay. One day, she’d leave, and Sarah would become another Riley. Everything she had would always be temporary. She used to think it was some fucked up curse but the older she got the more she realized it was just the nature of the way people like her lived.

 

They stayed at a different hotel this time. Henry had offered for them to stay at his house, but Joel refused. Ellie wasn’t surprised. He didn’t like environments he couldn’t control. Maybe that came from all the years in the hospital with Sarah, where he couldn’t do anything to help her. Maybe it was from something earlier. Either way, it wasn’t her job to psychoanalyze him. Right now, her mind needed to be on Sam.

 

It was an emotional Mobius. To avoid thinking about how she didn’t belong, she thought about Sam, but the idea that Sam too would become another headstone in her mind made her want to pretend he didn't exist. That thought just made her think she was a horrible person altogether. No matter what path she chose, she always ended up in the same place: alone in an endless pit of grief.

 

She had exactly three minutes to figure it out when the doctor said that visiting hours started again three minutes from the time they entered the hospital lobby. It was early in the morning and they hadn’t even checked into the hotel yet. Sarah refused. She wanted to be there first.

 

Joel didn’t argue. For once, he didn’t even put two cents in that nobody asked for; he just drove. Ellie somewhat appreciated that too. For Sarah’s sake, mostly.

 

“Ellie?”

 

She turned to look at Sarah, who was sitting in the hallway seat to her left.

 

“Yeah?”

 

Ellie would probably wonder what Sarah was going to say for the rest of her life.

 

“Are you the Millers?”

 

The voice was so sudden that the three of them, Joel included, could’ve sworn the doctor teleported there.

 

“Yeah,” Joel confirmed, standing up and looking at the man.

 

“He’s on the third floor in room 315.”

 

The doctor’s voice was clinical, but there was a warmth in it that she knew too well. Marlene used it sometimes. It meant something was not okay, and that thing, no matter how big or small, was never going to be okay again.

 

Joel nodded and Sarah stood. She lingered for a moment in her thoughts, then they felt like they were filling up her lungs and she stood to shake off the pain.

 

Sarah walked beside Joel, and Ellie trailed behind like a ghost. That was how she felt sometimes. Like she was stuck inside a veil, watching the world happen from the outside. Except that didn’t make it any less real.

 

315 came faster than she thought. It was like one second they were in the hallway, and the next they were three floors up and the air felt heavier. If sickness were a person, it was close. She could feel it in a way she couldn’t explain.

 

Joel knocked once, soft, and there was a muffled come in from the inside.

 

He pushed the door open slowly, and it creaked on the hinges like a warning of the pestilence that hid behind it. Sarah followed in on her tiptoes like she was scared she’d make Sam sicker by moving too sudden or too loud.

 

“Hey guys,” Henry said softly, running a hand over his face.

 

He hadn’t slept. All three of them knew exactly what that looked like. 

 

He stood from the foldout couch that had become lived in, and moved over to Sam’s bed. He tapped lightly on the back of his hand and the boy opened his eyes like they weighed a ton.

 

“Hey kiddo,” Henry signed. “Sarah and Ellie are here.”

 

Sam tried to move his hands, but they seemed to weigh more than his eyelids, so he just glanced at Joel and made a small sound.

 

Henry nodded.

 

“Yeah, Joel too.”

 

There was a slight twitch in the muscles of  Joel’s face. The kind that looked like he didn’t want to watch any more of this. Ellie liked to think it was a display of empathy, but she knew it wasn’t. He was imagining Sarah laying in that bed. 

 

“Why don’t we go get some coffee. The cafeteria just opened up. It’ll give the girls and him some time to talk,” Henry suggested.

 

Joel hesitated for a moment, unable to pull his eyes away from how frail and sickly Sam had become in just a matter of weeks.

 

“Joel?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, just… y’all be good. Tell the doctor where we are if he comes in.”

 

Sarah and Ellie nodded and Joel and Henry slipped out like shadows. That left the kids, all broken in their own right, sitting together in the dim light of the room.

 

Sarah pulled a chair closer to the bed and sat down next to him. She pointed to his hand and signed please . He nodded weakly and she took his hand.

 

Ellie just watched from the foot of the bed like this was the end of some tragic movie. Sarah had more hope than she did. She knew there was only one way this was going to end and all she could do was wait.

 

Sam’s eyes drifted from Sarah to Ellie. 

 

He lifted the back of his thumb to his chin and dragged it down. Ellie followed the motion and simultaneously they dragged closed fists with their thumbs pointing outward up their chests.

 

Endure and survive.

 

Sarah looked between them with panicked eyes. She knew what peace meant in a time like this. Sam was smiling, Ellie’s features were quiet, and her tears were dead silent. 

 

“No… don’t do that, Sam, okay? You’re gonna be fine. You’re gonna be just fine. Ellie, tell him he’s gonna be fine!”

Sarah’s words were strained in her throat. They were rushed and pleading like they weren’t just for Ellie. They were for whatever higher being might have Sam’s life in its hands. She was bargaining. Ellie learned a long time ago that bargaining didn’t do anything to stop the terrible things from happening.

 

Ellie didn’t respond; she just watched Sam. He glanced at the empty chair on the opposite side of the bed, then at her. She couldn’t explain how, but she knew exactly what he wanted. He was asking her to stay.

 

She pulled her right index finger up to her lips and then flattened her hand and let it collide with her closed left fist.

 

I promise.

 

Then she moved to sit in the chair. She held his hand, and for a moment, the three of them just sat there. Sarah wept and her hands shook around Sam’s. 

 

Sam didn’t seem sad. If he was scared, he didn’t show it. Though it was weak, he donned the same smile he always had. He had the kind of soul that radiated light in even the darkest times. Ellie wondered why the brightest people always found her. She wondered why they were always the ones to die young. Maybe they burned out.

 

~

 

Ellie couldn’t remember exactly when she fell asleep. Somewhere in the stagnant beeping of the machines, her tiredness took over her. She’d been awake for longer, been more exhausted, but the body was unpredictable like that. She hadn’t meant to. In fact, she was still holding onto Sam’s hand when she was woken up.

 

She could add the screeching of the machines and Sarah’s guttural scream to the list of sounds she’d never forget. Along with the sound of Riley’s skull cracking against the bedpost.

 

Henry and Joel got back with their cups of coffee just as the doctors and nurses swarmed in with the crash cart. Sarah had to be ripped away from the bedside because she wouldn’t let go. Joel held her in the back of the room, and when she turned her head into his shirt, he held her so tight Ellie thought she might explode. Even Joel got choked up watching.

 

The thing was, Henry didn’t look the way Ellie imagined an older brother would look watching everything he’d ever care about die right in front of him. He just stood there. The tears came silently, and his hands trembled at his sides. It was like he’d prepared himself for this. Selfishly, Ellie wanted to know how he did it. She wanted to know how to lose people without losing herself too.

 

As she watched Sam die, she finally grasped a concept she’d been thinking about since she was old enough to understand the way her life worked. 

 

Some people just weren’t meant to stay.

 

Not because they wanted to leave. Most of the time the people that she lost were the only ones who’d ever wanted to stay. But things happened. Falls. Shaky hands and shotguns. Sometimes bodies just gave up, even if the mind wasn’t ready to go yet.

 

Ellie couldn’t peel her eyes away from him. He looked dead the whole time, but she watched him stop breathing. She was frozen. She didn’t even cry. She just thought about him. His smile. His laugh. The twinkle in his eyes when someone took the time to talk to him. The way he looked at her two weeks earlier, and she could’ve sworn that even just for a moment, they might all grow up together. Some fairytale ending that never seemed possible until Sarah showed up.

 

The moment they called the time of death and Sarah wailed was the exact moment she understood.

 

That everyone becomes a Sam.

A Tess.

A Riley.

 

It was like there was some law in the universe that was created the day she was born. Maybe it was some curse bestowed upon her the moment her mother’s heart stopped beating, that from then on out, everyone she learned to love would die. Maybe there would be distractions. Pancakes for dinner with Sarah, pissing Joel off and then watching him smile about it when no one was watching, picking strawberries with Bill and Frank, but one way or another, it would always end up this way. 

 

When she glanced back at Joel and Sarah, holding onto each other like a lifeline, she knew her next call needed to be to Marlene. For Sarah’s sake.

Notes:

screaming crying throwing up, this chapter was diabolical but it is what my brain said to do and so I must. it unfortunately does not get better next chapter, however... it is a pretty iconic chapter in terms of dialogue so look forward to that. sorry it took so long to post this, my boyfriend of three years broke up with me randomly so I've been going through it, but thank you for reading. as always comment if you'd like! i love reading them. see you in the next chapter

Chapter 23: I'm In The Business of Losing Your Interest (And I Turn A Profit Each Time That We Speak)

Summary:

oh good god, somebody take this keyboard away from me. I can't do this anymore. Another chapter of agony. That's it. Joel realizing he's hurting Ellie, Ellie doubting her worthiness of love. Get the tissues, roll the cameras.

The next few weeks were something of the second act of a coming of age film. The sequence after the big event happens. Some huge betrayal and then the main character walks around like a ghost feeling sorry for herself until she remembers somebody inevitably has it worse. The cycle continues over and over until she feels like a ghost, floating outside of her body, and loathing everything she saw.

 

Ellie had gotten to the loathing stage well before classes started back up, and she didn’t try very hard to hide it. After Sam’s funeral, Sarah was completely broken. Losing him and Tess just weeks apart? It had done damage that was probably irreversible. She didn’t talk other than in small grunts and nods. She would sit on her bed and just stare at the wall for hours. Joel was obviously worried about her, but he couldn’t do much to help her. Ellie could tell that was what scared him.

 

Unfortunately for her, Joel got anxious when he was scared, and when he was anxious he was mean. Not as mean as someone like Mrs. Andrews or Robert, but he shut down and he barked orders with a seriousness she couldn’t laugh off. With every passing day her heart hardened back up and underneath the scabs she could still feel the pieces that had started to feel loved. Now she was alone again.

 

“Well, that’s all for today. The bell’s gonna ring in a few minutes. Remember to finish you ice breaker sheet if you didn’t today, it’s your first completion grade!”

 

Ellie barely registered the words. Something about ice breakers and completion grades. Homework maybe. 

 

She was so lost in thought that she didn’t hear the bell when it rang, didn’t notice the people getting up from their seats around the classroom. It was empty and she was still sitting there, unnervingly still, and staring at the desk in front of her.

 

“Ellie?”

 

Her name was distant and unfamiliar, like it was underwater. Or, like she was underwater, and someone was speaking to her from the surface.

 

“Ellie!”

 

It was the hand on her shoulder that made her jump and snap back to reality.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Ellie wiped a hand over her face and looked up to who was speaking to her. She recognized the lanky figure before the question rolled into her mind as to why he was there.

 

“Coach Stetson?” 

 

He nodded, and sat on the desk next to her, giving her some space.

 

“What’s going on?” he asked, brows furrowed in concern.

 

“I’m fine,” Ellie said, looking around and standing up.

 

“Forgive me for being pushy but uh… it’s just that you don’t exactly look fine. You zoned out as soon as you sat down and I don’t think I’ve seen you blink once this whole class period. Is there something you’d like to talk about?”

 

Ellie shook her head and threw her bag over her shoulder.

 

“Nope,” she said.

 

The coach sighed and shifted his weight a little.

 

“How much sleep have you gotten in the past few days?”

 

“A whole fucking lot, I’m doing great,” she said, a little more agitated as she walked toward the door.

 

“Ellie?” he called after her.

 

She turned around for a moment.

 

“Will I see you and Sarah at practice this afternoon?” he asked.

 

Ellie hesitated briefly. She took time to think about that answer. Didn’t rattle off some bitter bullshit answer, wasn’t defensive, this time she was honest.

 

“I don’t know,” was all she could come up with.

 

What she really wanted to say was that she didn’t know if she’d even have a roof over her head that afternoon, but she opted to walk away instead.

 

~

 

Joel didn’t come pick her up that afternoon so she assumed he was letting her go to practice. Sarah wasn’t there, but that didn’t surprise her. She’d lost a lot more than Ellie had as of recent. She couldn’t blame her for not wanting to show up to a soccer meet.

 

They practiced in the rain that day. There’d been a lot of storms in the last couple of months. She wasn’t sure what was up with it, but she’d heard people say that meant it was going to be a bad winter. Didn’t matter much either way but she liked thinking about anything other than-

 

“Ellie!”

 

When she looked up, she realized the field was empty. Where was everyone? They were all just there. Practice had just started.

 

“Practice has been over for fifteen minutes and it just started lightning, is your ride here?”

 

Over? For fifteen minutes? There was no way, she just-

 

“Yeah! Sorry,” she shouted back.

 

She ran and grabbed her gear from the bleachers. Then she ran over to Coach to apologize.

 

“Sorry, I just-”

 

“Ellie, don’t apologize to me. I’m not upset. I’m concerned. You just played an entire practice without knowing you did it and you played fine. Whatever is going on with you, I need you to talk to someone about it. It doesn’t have to be me. It can be your foster dad or Sarah, or maybe a close friend. I can even get you the card for a good therapist if you need it but this… well quite frankly, Ellie, this is scaring me.”

 

Scaring him. She was taken aback by that. Not because she felt that she was in trouble, but because she’d never known anyone to be scared about anything having to do with her. She weighed the truth on a scale in her mind and eventually spoke back up.

 

“I’ll see you at practice.”

 

Before she could get very far his words stopped her again.

 

“Ellie?”

 

She turned for a moment.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Tomorrow. You’ll see me tomorrow.”

 

At first she didn’t know what he meant. Her skin crawled in a combination of how cold the rain was on her skin and how ominous his words were. Then it clicked.

 

She’d forgotten their conversation from earlier that morning. The classroom. Homework. That was the missing piece. He wasn’t just her Coach anymore he was her first period teacher. Something about that settled her thoughts and allowed her to really breathe for the first time in a while. There was safety in it.

 

“Yeah,” she agreed. “See you tomorrow.”

 

She didn’t wait for another interruption as she walked up the hill that led to the parking lot. Joel was probably already pissed that she was now twenty minutes late.

 

To her surprise there was no scowl behind the windshield. No stone cold disapproval on his face. That was because there was no face and there was no windshield. His truck wasn’t there. Not in its usual spot.

 

Ellie ventured a little further into the almost empty parking lot, and very quickly came to the conclusion that he wasn’t there. Joel wasn’t late. Ever. It was some kind of habit he couldn’t shake. If he wasn’t here now? He wasn’t coming. But Marlene wasn’t there either. That meant he either forgot or he chose not to come. The first option was more logical but the second made more sense to her.

 

Ellie took a few more steps and thought about what to do. 

 

She could catch the bus home. It was a ten minute ride, she’d get there relatively quickly. But that didn’t satisfy the immature urge to piss him off. He was going through a lot right now and that made her feel an inkling of guilt for being angry at him, but then she remembered every time he pushed her away. Every time he made her feel like a waste of space. In the grand scheme of things he took better care of her than anyone ever had, but she woke up every day wishing for his emotions towards her to match his efforts to keep her alive and they never did. Things like that eventually came to a breaking point, and this was hers.

 

She didn’t bother changing out of her cleats. She walked home in the thunderstorm in shorts and t-shirt and wondered if he’d have anything to say other than scolding her for tracking water and mud into the house.

 

~

 

As soon as the house came into view, Ellie’s heart began to pound. She’d abandoned all rationality when she realized he really wasn’t any different than anyone else she’d stayed with. Not really. Not when it came down to the fundamentals. She was just a paycheck. A favor. Never somebody of importance. Never even her own person. It all made her so angry that she didn’t think about the fallout. If he noticed she was gone, he hadn’t said anything about it. Hadn’t called or texted, but if he knew then he would, and she’d be in deep shit.

 

Her hands shook as she opened the door, palm squeaking as the rain water smudged under the metal of the doorknob.

 

Her shoes squeaked when she stepped onto the wood floors, closing the door behind her.

 

Joel was nowhere to be seen. Not in the kitchen or the living room. She knew he was home though because his truck was in the driveway. So…

 

She got her answer when a bloodcurdling scream filled the air. She jumped. At first she wondered who was watching a horror movie on full blast, but when the hopefulness faded, she ran up the stairs as quickly as she could to find Sarah on her back, but sort of curled like roadkill in rigor mortis. Her shirt and the blankets around her were covered in thick, dark red blood.

 

“Wha-”

 

“Daddy it hurts!”

 

The cry was completely unrestrained. Her skin was clammy and she was drenched to the bone in sweat. 

 

“I know, baby, I know, I know, breathe for me, okay? Help is on the way.”

 

Ellie stayed frozen where she stood.

 

“Help? Joel what’s-”

 

He hadn’t looked at her until then, and when he did there was a look of distress on his face that she’d never witnessed before. Something akin to fear. 

 

“Move out the way of the door.”

 

The words were flat. They didn’t fit with the scariness of it all. What did fit, however, was the outburst that followed.

 

“Move!”

 

She didn’t wait to be told again.

 

~

 

Within ten minutes, Sarah was on a stretcher and being put in the back of an ambulance. Joel hadn’t looked Ellie’s way once other than to tell her to call Tommy because she wouldn’t fit with them and the EMS crew. Sarah didn’t say anything either. She’d been too busy screaming her lungs out of air until they shot her up with sedatives and hauled her off.

 

As close as she’d grown to Sarah, Ellie couldn’t understand why she wasn’t fighting tooth and nail to stay by her side. Maybe this was just it. Maybe this was the moment the idea of loss stopped affecting her. Maybe it even started with Sam.

 

One thing was for sure.

 

This was the last night she’d be staying in that house. Not by her choice, but she knew it. The worst part was that she couldn’t even be angry.

 

After a minute she remembered Joel would be expecting Tommy at the hospital, so she picked up her phone and dialed his number. It rang for a second longer than comfortable, but eventually he picked up.

 

“Hey, kiddo, is everything alright?”

 

The way he said it. Like she was some extension of Joel. Like she was part of the family. Like he was taking responsibility for her, like he had a long time ago. Somehow it only made everything hurt worse.

 

“No…” she finally replied.

 

“No, uh, Sarah’s going to the hospital. She’s having a flare up. It’s really bad, Joel asked me to call you and see if you’ll meet us there.”

 

She couldn’t even get through the full sentence before she could hear him rustling around, presumably putting his jacket on. Then the rattle of his keys.

 

“Yeah, uh Boston General or the children’s hospital?”

 

“Boston General I think,” she said, realizing she hadn’t been paying as much attention as she should’ve.

 

“Okay, I’ll see you in a bit of a sweetheart. Is there anything you need? Anything I can bring you?”

 

Ellie didn’t feel the tears running down her cheeks until they wedged between her phone and her face and made this awful squishy mixture.

 

“No, I’m fine, thank you.”

 

She could hear his truck door swing open and shut.

 

“Alright, stay strong kiddo. See you soon.”

 

The line clicked off and Ellie burst into sobs. She moved over to the couch and curled up in the corner, burying her face in a throw pillow and crying as loud as she needed to. She was alone. She could finally let out everything that had been building up. The way Tommy actually offered to take care of her. He wasn’t prompted, he wasn’t getting a check for it, he just wanted to be there for her. She’d never had that before. Not from someone of authority. Even Marlene only came around when something bad happened.

 

Then of course there was Sarah. They’d talked about the chance that something could happen to her, but it was never supposed to be real. Ellie was supposed to stay. But so was Sam. So was Tess and Riley and her mom.

 

Then it clicked.

 

All at once like hitting a brick wall at ninety.

 

This was her fault. Whatever that law in the universe was that said everyone she loved had to die? It was moving onto Sarah. Soon enough it would be Joel. Maybe even Tommy.

 

That’s when she finally moved. 

 

Ellie wiped her eyes and threw the pillow to the side. She squeaked upstairs in her still rain soaked cleats and threw most of everything she had into her bookbag. Her walkman. A few pairs of clothes that had become her favorite. Her journal. Her favorite hoodie. When she was satisfied she picked up the room enough to leave minimal work for Joel when he cleaned it out and returned it back to its original purpose as a guest room.

 

Once everything was at a reasonable level of tidiness, she moved over to the doorway.

 

She stopped there and her eyes scanned over every square inch of what had served as her bedroom for months. She could almost see the ghost of memories in every corner. Her and Sarah on the edge of the bed folding clothes. Being curled up in the corner crying to P!nk like an idiot. That wasn’t self deprecation either, Riley would’ve told her she looked like an idiot and they would’ve laughed. Sarah would’ve laughed if she could be there. Ellie couldn’t help but think, just for a second, of a world where everyone was okay. Where Tess made a breakfast big enough to feed a pack of wolves. Where they all managed to make Joel smile. Where Riley and Sarah could bond over being Ellie’s only two working brain cells and Sam could tell them ridiculous stories that they’d remember for the rest of their lives. What a world that would be.

 

Ellie closed the door and walked down the hall.

 

~

 

He couldn’t even really remember where it started. Maybe a wince a few weeks ago. Maybe a meal she could only pick at. Then Sam died and it was like her body and mind alike just gave out. Aside from that very first night it was the most painful thing he’d ever had to watch. She couldn’t stick to a breathing pattern. One minute she was hyperventilating and dry heaving and the next… the next she was right back on that stretcher, shallow and ragged, like she could slip away any second. She could, but he couldn’t think about that. She was a fighter. She always had been.

 

Even so, watching them take her away for testing while he stood in the hall with her blood on his hands didn’t get any easier.

 

None of it ever got any easier.

 

“Joel?”

 

The sound of Tommy’s voice was enough to elicit a sigh of relief. They had their differences but at the end of the day, Tommy was his brother, and he was the only person alive besides Sarah he really truly trusted.

 

“How is she?”

 

Joel just stared down at his hands which were still in the sticky stage of coagulation and shrugged.

 

“Honestly? I don’t fuckin' know. They took her back a minute ago and she-”

 

He paused and inhaled shakily before continuing.

 

“-she was throwing up blood everywhere. It was like the 26th all over again and I couldn’t even tell her she was going to be okay because I didn’t know. I don’t-”

 

“Joel.”

 

The older brother stumbled a bit where he stood and Tommy helped him to sit in one of the seats along the wall. Then he took off his jacket and handed it to Joel so that he could wipe his hands. It was expensive denim, but he could never put a price on taking care of his family. It was all he had.

 

There was a long enough pause between their words that Tommy opted to speak up again.

 

“How’s Ellie doing in all this?” he asked.

 

Joel looked up at him for a moment in confusion. Then his features softened. Tommy knew that look. At first he was defensive, wondering why he’d bring her up when they needed to be focusing on keeping Sarah alive. Then he got guilty because he knew Ellie was just a kid. She was worth just as much as Sarah, and right now there was nothing they could do for Sarah but wait.
The truth was, Joel never should’ve taken this job. He knew deep down it wasn’t going to be temporary, and now more and more every day he was reminding some poor kid she didn’t belong to anyone when she could’ve been out there trying to find a family that could give her what she needed. The worst part was that every now and again when he looked at her, when he looked at both those girls together, he wished he could be that for her. He wished he wasn’t so tunnel visioned and fucked in the head, but he was.

 

“You know she had a human bite mark when she showed up at my door?”

 

Tommy’s eyes widened and he visibly recoiled.

 

“Jesus.”

 

Joel nodded.

 

“When Marlene brought her to my doorstep, Sarah begged me to let her stay. I didn’t want to. Even after all these years she’s the only thing that I can focus on because if I lose her… if I lose her Tommy there won’t be anything left. It’s bad enough we didn’t talk for four years, I didn’t want you to have to bury a brother. Tess lobbied for it too and at first I hated it. It was supposed to be temporary. A quick placement to keep her off the street. Then Tess got to know her, made her breakfast, took care of her, Sarah helped her get her grades up. I don’t know who or what, but the kid had this look in her eye of loss. Sarah lightened that. So did Tess, and then she died and my only focus was on Sarah. The kid lost the only good maternal figure she ever had, I’m sure, and I basically ignored her because I was scared that if I focused on her I’d miss something with Sarah. A symptom or a sign, something. And if she was close to Tess? I wouldn’t even know, because I don’t talk to her. I don’t even make an effort.”

 

The confession hung heavy in the air, thick as the blood on his hands. 

 

“There were these moments… moments where I let my guard down. In Pittsburgh at this coffee shop I made her drink water because she was dehydrated and she looked at me like nobody had ever even bothered to care whether she lived or died. On the roof at Bill’s house. I got her batteries for her walkman because she doesn’t like when the world gets too loud. All these little things that led her to believe somebody actually started caring about her, and I do. Fuck, Tommy, that’s what scares me. I care about her too much and if I let myself be the person she needs, I can’t make sure Sarah stays healthy.”

 

Tommy sighed and crossed his arms over his chest.

 

“Joel, you’re never going to be able to make sure Sarah stays healthy. That’s what I’ve been trying to get you to understand since she was diagnosed. What she has is a chronic, incurable condition. There is nothing you can do that is ever going to guarantee that Sarah will stay healthy. She’s going to be sick whether or not you choose to be there for Ellie.”

 

Years ago, Joel might’ve punched him square in the jaw for saying that. But right now? He was too old, and too goddamned tired to fight him on something he was right about.

 

There was a long stretch of silence where they both weighed the gravity of the situation. Eventually, as usual, Tommy broke first.

 

“I’ll take her. It’ll be temporary for now, but I’ll talk to Maria. I don’t want her to have to go back into the system, and I don’t want to take her from Sarah.”

 

Joel nodded and closed his eyes to stop the tears that he didn’t even realize were brimming in his eyes.

 

“Thank you,” he said, barely above a whisper.

 

Tommy just returned the nod and shifted on his feet a little.

 

“I reckon I should go talk to her,” he said.

 

Joel wiped his eyes and sighed.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Another stretch of silence, but this time one of confusion.

 

“Where is she?” he added.

 

That’s when Joel finally looked up.

 

“What do you mean where is she? She came here with you.”

 

Tommy’s eyes widened as it clicked what was going on.

 

“Oh hell,” he said.

 

Joel rose to his feet and immediately began thinking of places she could’ve gone. She hadn’t snuck out like this since Tess’s funeral. If she wasn’t at home he had no idea where she would go.

 

“Okay check my house and then-”

 

“Joel, I don’t know her like you do.”

 

“I’m not leaving Sarah.”

 

“If she’s out there on her own, you could lose both of them. They’re not gonna bring her back out for at least a few hours, go.”

 

Joel weighed his nonexistent options for a few moments before sighing in agitation and handing Tommy’s jacket back to him.

 

“If anything happens, and I mean anything you call me, Tommy. Okay? You call me!”

 

Tommy didn’t even get the chance to answer before Joel was bolting out the door into the rain. It was still storming, bad. He had to find her.

 

~

 

Ellie wasn’t entirely sure what led her back to the soccer field. There was no cover there. If you were going to get struck by lightning that would be the place to do it. Maybe kicking around a ball, even in a thunderstorm, was just the best way she knew how to get her anger out.

 

And she did.

 

She ran and kicked and ran and kicked until she ended up laying on her back in the middle of the field, eyes closed, just letting the rain fall on top of her. She was probably muddy and gross looking, but it didn’t matter. Honestly? She didn’t have any plans to go anywhere else after this. She didn’t have any plans at all.

 

All she’d ever wanted was to be cared about. All she’d ever wanted was to be loved without having to ask for it, and now she was unsure that that would ever exist for her. 

 

She was a runt. She always would be. Sometimes the universe just figured it needed to remind her.

 

Message received.

 

~

 

The first stop was the house. He was unsurprised to find it empty. Other than the pillow tossed haphazardly on the couch and still drying cleat marks on the floor there was no sign of her.

 

Her room though, that was what surprised him. It was basically gone. Bed made, all of her valuables gone. She’d even taken care to rearrange small things in the room to look the way they had before she got there. He hated that she remembered that image. It meant she didn’t think she was important enough to take up the space. He wished she knew that she was. He wished he would’ve told her.

 

After that he had no idea. Sam was buried in Pittsburgh and he doubted she’d try and catch a bus there. She didn’t have the money and none of his cards were missing from his wallet.

 

So where?

 

He had to rack his brain for places of importance to her, places he knew she could go. 

 

He came up empty until he remembered the only other place she went when she wasn’t at home.

 

She was at the field.

 

~

 

The rain smacked against the windshield as Joel stepped on the gas. It was a two lane road behind the school that people rarely used, especially at night, so he was going offensively over the speed limit. His kid was out somewhere by herself doing god knew what, he didn’t have time to slow down.

 

His tires skidded and the car slid ever so slightly as he pulled into his usual spot on the hill. He could see the vague shape of her through glass as the windshield wipers flicked water in either direction.

 

“Goddamnit,” he muttered.

 

He kept the truck running when he got out, closing the door behind him and carefully moving down the hill and into the field.

 

“Ellie!” he called.

 

She didn’t answer. She was just laying there, eyes closed, listening to the storm.

 

“You ever think life would be so much easier if this was all we ever had to worry about? Thunderstorms and how they look from the ground up?”

 

He wasn’t having the cryptics and quite frankly, his main concern was getting her dry and going back to the hospital.

 

“Get up. Let’s go, we’re leavin’,” he said, the spirit of some dying Texan man in his voice.

 

Ellie did finally sit up, but she didn’t stand. She just covered her eyes like a makeshift awning and looked up at him.

 

“And if I say no?”

 

He paused at that. He wasn’t used to defiance. Ellie pushed his buttons sometimes, so did Sarah, but neither of them ever went as far as to directly throw his instructions out the window.

 

“Do you realize how much trouble you’re in? Running off like that? Putting your life at risk? All to what? Stare at the rain because you’re pissed off you’re not the center of attention? I’ll tell you what it is, it’s goddamned stupid,” he spat.

 

Ellie didn’t waste a beat. She rose to her feet this time as if she was trying to show him she wasn’t scared of him.

 

“Well then I guess we’re both disappointed in each other then.”

 

Joel scoffed and threw his hands to either side in something that looked akin to partial surrender.

 

“What the hell do you want from me?”

 

Ellie’s eyes widened and she looked like someone had just told her that her dog died.

 

“Admit that you wanted to get rid of me the whole time!”

 

“What are you on about?”

 

“I heard you and Tommy! At dinner!”

 

That was the first real pause since either of them had started talking. It had been weeks and he didn’t even know she’d been listening. Fuck.

 

“Listen, kid, Tommy is much better equipped to handle a-”

 

“Fuck that!”

 

Her voice broke and it was clear this wasn’t anger or frustration anymore. She was hurting, and it was his fault.

 

“Just stop with the bullshit, okay? What are you so afraid of? That I’m gonna end up like Sarah? I am not sick! I-”

 

“Ellie!”

 

She knew she’d fucked up as soon as the words came out of her mouth, but she couldn’t take it back. Both because she’d already said it, and because it was true.

 

“You are treadin’ on some mighty thin ice here.”

 

“Look, I can’t imagine what it’s like to have to look over your shoulder every day hoping death doesn’t follow you home to her, but I have lost people too.”

 

He scoffed at that like it was some completely unreal statement. Like it didn’t make sense when in fact it was a perfect description of how he felt.

 

“You have no idea what loss is.”

 

Ellie looked like she was holding her breath when he spoke. The audacity he had to say that to her when he hadn’t even taken the time to get to know her. To get to know how much she’d suffered for so long. She stepped forward in another power move.

 

“Everyone I have ever cared for has either died or left me,” she started.

 

Then when all of her disappointment became too overwhelming, she actually shoved him.

 

“Everybody fucking except for you!” she shouted.

 

“So don’t tell me I’d be safer with someone else, because the truth is, I would just be more scared.”

 

There was a clap of thunder in the distance and she jumped like it was meant for her. The silence stretched between them like fire burning the last lifeline she had left.

 

“You’re right,” he finally said. “You’re not my daughter. And I sure as hell ain’t your dad. Now when we get back to that hospital, we are going our separate ways.”

Notes:

Can you hear that? That's the distant sound of me sobbing and screaming into my pillow. These two make my heart hurt so bad. But at least there's Tommy. He's the mvp idc. As always, thank you so much for reading, feel free to leave a comment. I always enjoy reading them. And also, if you're into the Hunger Games series, I just posted a fic which is an original HG novel set during the 25th Games if you'd like to take a look I'd love to see it get some more interaction.

Chapter 24: Leave The Car Running (I'm Not Ready To Go)

Summary:

MORE AGONY but also more Uncle Tommy
I know you guys were thrilled with the emotional rollercoaster that the last chapter was so this one is a little more grounded in the happy tears. Next chapter is actually going to have a lot of little cute moments (I'm serious this time. No trickery.)
Anyways, here you go!

The ride to the hospital was so silent it was deafening. The rain seemed to beat down harder on the windshield than it had before, like blocks of ice falling from the sky, threatening to crack through the safety of the glass. 

 

Ellie didn’t try to hide the sobs, but she kept her hand over her mouth so that she wasn’t too loud. So that she didn’t take up too much space.

 

Joel heard. She knew he did, but he didn’t seem to care. He kept his white knuckle grip on the wheel and didn’t look at her once. Not once.

 

When they pulled into the parking garage, she waited for him to turn the car off and then she got out. She was almost sluggish in her movements. She threw her bag over her shoulder and then wiped her nose with the hem of her jersey like she was reminding herself how to be alive. Like it was a checklist.

 

Get your stuff, Ellie.

Clean your face, Ellie.

Go inside now, Ellie.

 

She was stiff and obedient all the way through the place. Up until they got to the hallway where Tommy sat, waiting. They must not have brought Sarah out yet. She probably didn’t even have a room yet, hospitals were slow like that.

 

He stood up as soon as he saw her, his plain white t-shirt hugging his biceps like he needed a new one, and dark wash jeans hanging over his boots, dirtcaked at the bottom.

 

“Thank god, you scared the shit outta us, kid, we didn’t know where you were-”

 

He stopped speaking when he realized the tears returning to her eyes.

 

Joel knew what came next and he didn’t want to be around when it happened.

 

“Hey, hey what’s-”

He stopped again when Joel began to disappear down the hall.

 

“Joel, what the hell is-?”

 

When Ellie burst into sobs, Tommy’s face dropped and he looked like his heart was cracking into a million pieces just looking at her.

 

“Come here, sweet girl,” he said softly.

 

She didn’t hesitate. For the first time in a very long time she didn’t flinch away like a hug could burn her. She just collapsed into his arms and he held her while she cried.

 

It wasn’t just sobs it was big heaving inhales like she was gasping for air. The poor girl may as well have been dying of a broken heart.

 

“Shh, shh, I got ya, I got ya, sweetpea.”

 

Tommy took in his own shaky inhale and looked up at the ceiling for a moment, doing his best to blink away his own tears. Sure, there wasn’t anything wrong with showing emotion, but Ellie needed comfort right now and he couldn’t do that if he was breaking too.

 

“I’m sorry, Tommy,” she managed through fits of tears and coughs.

 

He shook his head and rubbed her back in circles in an attempt to soothe her.

 

“Ain’t nothin’ to be sorry about, kiddo, just glad you’re safe is all. We were worried about you.”

 

The we tasted bitter on his mouth. He loved Joel, with all his heart, he did. His brother had been protecting him since they were kids, but he’d be damned if he told a lie about his character. He was selfish, and he pushed people away because he was scared. Tommy was a grown man, and he had a family of his own, he could handle it. But this girl? This girl who had very clearly never had anyone and had been steady losing people for months on end? She didn’t deserve this.

 

After a few minutes, when her breathing evened out, he pulled away and held her at arms length.

 

“Did you eat? Are you hungry?”

 

She just shook her head and sniffled.

 

“Alright, well, you let me know if you need anything, okay?”

 

He didn’t have to ask if Joel had already talked to her about what was happening. He figured, if she ran to him the way she had, she already knew.

 

“I’ll call Maria in a couple minutes to have the guest bedroom set up. We’ll leave as soon as Sarah gets settled in a room, alright?”

 

She nodded again and he let go of her, letting her settle into her own skin again. She wiped her eyes and he sighed, the deep guttural kind that only comes with the exhaustion that’s in your bones.

 

“Do you need to stop at Joel’s to get your stuff?” he asked.

 

She shook her head and filed that information away for later.

 

“What time is school for you?”

 

“Nine o’clock.”

 

He gave a firm nod and pulled out his phone to set an alarm for the morning.

 

Thankfully for the both of them, a few nurses appeared down the hall, rolling a bed towards them which held a likely heavily sedated Sarah.

 

Ellie did her best not to think about it. Surely Sarah had been through worse before, she’d make it out just fine, but worrying about it wasn’t going to change what was happening now. Now, she was tired, and she wanted to go home. 

 

It took them a few minutes to hook all of the machines up, and Joel was already in the chair beside her bed before the nurses could finish, but when they did, her and Tommy moved a little closer. She didn’t look at Joel. He didn’t look at her either.

 

“I’m gonna go ahead and take her home, okay? I’ll come back tomorrow.”

 

Joel gave a nod, but he didn’t speak. 

 

Ellie could tell by the way Tommy shifted on his feet that this whole thing was starting to piss him off, even if he wouldn’t admit it.

 

“Let me know if you need anything.”

 

He didn’t wait for an answer.

 

“Come on, Ellie, let’s go.”

 

Ellie didn’t look back as she held onto the straps of her backpack, and exited the room without a word.

 

~

 

The ride to Tommy’s house was just as silent as the ride to the hospital had been, only it was longer, and there was a small reprieve of the air filtering in and out of the small space created when he rolled the windows down a little.

 

It was almost a whistling sound, but it calmed her. Like a lullaby.

 

Tommy didn’t ask her what happened and she didn’t want to talk about it. He seemed calmer than Joel. Maybe they didn’t know each other that well, but she knew enough to know that Tommy actually gave a shit about people and things. He wasn’t selfish. He had a big heart, one that he wore on his sleeve. She just hoped that Maria wasn’t as much of an evil witch as she seemed to be.

 

“There’s food in the fridge, you can help yourself to anything in there or the freezer or pantry. Really grocery runs are random in my house so don’t feel bad about chompin’ down the snacks,” he said.

 

There was an air of humor to it, like he was trying his best to cheer her up. He didn’t seem like the kind of person that was comfortable in real emotions. Maybe that was just a Miller men trait.

 

“Thank you,” she muttered.

 

Tommy nodded and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel as they turned onto his street. She could tell he was trying to think of what else to say, but what do you say in this situation? What is there to say at all? He was between a rock and a hard place, and she wasn’t upset at him. She just wanted to go crawl into whatever bed would be hers now and sleep until it felt better. Until Joel came back with an apology and Sarah got better… and Tess and Sam came back and everything was okay again. Yeah. Sleep.

 

When the gravel crunched under the tires and the truck settled into park, Ellie threw her bag over her shoulder and was at the front door before Tommy even got out.

 

She didn’t have to be close to him to know that he was sighing right now. Another Miller man trait.

 

~

 

Joel had been staring at the IV in her arm for the last several hours since they brought her into the room. A stress induced flare up, exactly what he’d thought. Something or other about ruptured blood vessels and bleeding in the intestines. Essentially, she’d grieved so hard her body couldn’t keep up. He knew it wasn’t his fault, but somehow he still felt like he’d failed her. 

 

And now Ellie too.

 

God she’d be furious when she woke up. Furious that he’d sent Ellie away, that he’d made her feel like she didn’t matter. As much as he hated to admit it, she was his voice of reason, and when she was gone? Nothing made sense. Nothing was rational, so why would he be? It was a shitty excuse, but it was the way he was.

 

It’s why Tommy had left the first time. Why he kept Tess at a distance even when he wanted to hold her close. It was why he watched Sam die and knew that he had to do everything he could to keep Sarah safe. 

 

Tommy was right though.

 

There was nothing he could do to make her better. The reality was that one day, like everyone, she would die, and he had no power to decide when that was. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe sixty years from now, any way it happened, one day it would. There was no stopping it. Sarah was not immortal, but his love for her was. Maybe he needed to stop trying to fix her and just start loving her. Maybe.

 

Joel blinked when his eyes began to burn and realized he’d kept them open too long. He’d zoned out for so long he’d probably missed a million texts and calls from Tommy about Ellie and what she needed or what he needed to do to take care of her.

 

When he picked up his phone though, there was nothing. Not a text, not a call, no notifications at all. He wasn’t sure why that twisted his chest the wrong way.

 

He almost hit the power button and turned his phone off, but something caught his eye. The little photo widget on his phone that cycled through his camera roll. Usually it was just pictures of Sarah she insisted on him taking when they went on their road trips. Zooz, aquariums, the works, but this time it was different.

 

It was a picture of both of them.

 

The one they’d taken after tryouts. Sarah and Ellie were squished together in a booth with smiles so wide the happiness could jump out of their skin. He remembered that day. It was Ellie’s first time eating ice cream and she’d been so confused by the concept. 

 

He chuckled a little before he could even catch himself smiling. 

 

Then he scrolled. 

 

A picture of the sunset taken from Bill’s roof a few minutes before Ellie had wandered up the ladder. He remembered Ellie mouthing off to Bill and how, despite his duty to keep her in line, it was pretty entertaining seeing Bill meet his match. And Tess…

 

Oh, Tess.

 

He didn’t realize he was crying until a tear dripped from his cheek onto the phone. He quickly turned it off and wiped his eyes.

 

The sadness still lingered in his chest. The deep kind that doesn’t go away when you force it down.

 

His eyes glanced over at Sarah and he could imagine the reprimand. He could imagine her once radiant, now gray and scarily lifeless skin tinged red the way it always got when she was frustrated. Her curls bouncing as she talked with her hands because she did that when she was passionate and Ellie was one of the only things she was ever truly passionate about. And her eyes. Gentle and pained and begging him to do the right thing.

 

He didn’t try to stop the tears anymore as he grabbed her hand and pressed a kiss to it, avoiding the IV. He pressed his forehead to the back of her hand gently. Crying to her, breaking down, letting her have all of the emotion. Even like this, sleeping, teetering on the line of life and death, Sarah was his solace. She was his peace of mind.

 

“Okay, babygirl,” he whispered.

 

Another soft kiss to her hand and then he stood and wiped his eyes. He tossed his jacket on and went out to the nurse’s station to ask someone to cover the room and call him if anything changed.

 

~

 

Maria insisted Ellie shower and eat before she retired to her room. It made her angry. She was already overstimulated, and she just needed to be left alone. Although, at least Maria cared. Maybe she was a tyrant, maybe she had Tommy wrapped around her finger and she had to be the boss of everything all the time, maybe Ellie didn’t agree with her ways, but she wouldn’t say that she didn’t care. She just thought like a mother, and Ellie had never had that. The closest thing was Tess and she was not this kind of mom. It would take some getting used to.

 

By the time she did settle in her bed, her hair had been let out of its usual ponytail. Washed, and even trimmed because Maria said it was all matted. It probably was. She didn’t much care about her appearance. She was a stray and she looked like one. She never saw anything wrong with that. She did feel a little lighter though, even emotionally. People say hair holds memories though so maybe she was lighter.

 

She was sitting in the middle of the bed, which was still neatly made, in the glow of the lamp on her nightstand. Maria had set a glass of water and two Benadryl next to the lamp in case she got thirsty or couldn’t sleep. In her lap was her journal. No pencils, no erasers, just the book. She was going through her drawings. Sam, Joel, Sarah. She didn’t draw Tess often anymore, not after the funeral, but she was in there. One of her and Joel on a swing on the back porch at Bill’s house. He was almost laughing. She tried to catch it, but didn’t quite draw it right. It was one of the only ones where Tess’s eyes weren’t scratched out. It was made back when she had a reference. 

 

At the first sign of tears stinging at her waterlines, she closed the book and let out a frustrated huff, running her hands along her face like she could peel the emotion off of her.

 

She just needed to focus. 

 

She’d been ripped from a million places and dumped right into others her entire life. So why was this different? How was this different?

 

Just as she was about to decide the answer was unnecessary, there was a loud knock on the door and she jumped. 

 

Who could possibly need something from Tommy this late at night? Surely nobody was here for Maria. She didn’t look like she gave out favors.

 

~

 

“Jesus Christ, I’m comin’!” Tommy shouted, pulling a hoodie on and moving to the door.

 

It flung half open with frustrated huff. He leaned on the door frame and before he could speak--

 

“When you said call you if I needed anything I expected you to answer your phone.”

 

The words came with a bite that it was entirely too late for and Tommy sighed.

 

“It’s late, Joel. Maria’s gotta work tomorrow, I turned it on silent.”

 

Joel scoffed at that.

 

“Right, and what if something would’ve happened with Sarah?”

 

Tommy stood a little straighter at that.

 

“Then you wouldn’t be here and somebody woulda got ahold of us, so what do you need?”

 

There was a pause as Joel thought out his words. His eyes scanned over Tommy’s and he knew that now was not the time for stupid brother rivalries. He needed to talk to Ellie.

 

“I need to talk to her,” he finally said.

 

Tommy actually laughed out loud. A tired, frustrated, confused laugh, but a laugh nonetheless.

 

“Like hell you do, that poor girl has been through enough tonight, not to mention the last few months. What she needs is sleep and to go to school tomorrow without wondering whether or not she’ll have a ride home.”

 

That was a low blow, even for Tommy, and he knew that as soon as it landed, but by then he couldn’t take it back.

 

“Please, Tommy, at least give her a choice, okay? I won’t keep her too long I just…”

 

I need to apologize.

I need to tell her that I’m sorry, that she means something.

That I need her to come home.

 

“...I just need to talk to her.”

 

Tommy thought it over in his mind, scanning over the pros and cons of the decision and the argument it would inevitably cause between him and Maria.

 

“Fine, ten minutes, and only if she agrees. I’ll go get her.”

 

Joel let out a sigh of relief and nodded. 

 

~

 

She looked out her window when the knock came and Tommy stomped downstairs to answer the door. She couldn’t see the porch from where her room was, but she could see the driveway. She saw Joel’s truck. Why was he here?

 

For a while she just stayed there in the window, staring, like the object itself would answer her questions.

 

It wasn’t until Tommy came in that she jumped and turned to look at him.

 

“Easy kid, it’s just me,” he said.

 

She nodded like she’d just been caught doing something nefarious and he leaned on the door frame like he had downstairs.

 

“He wants to talk to you,” he said plainly.

 

Her heart sank at that. Her first instinct was to run down there and beg him to forgive her for running away. It was stupid and she should’ve understood that it wasn’t about her. Then she thought about it longer and realized that was the problem. It was never about her and it never would be.

 

“Well tough shit, I don’t want to talk to him,” she said.

 

Tommy chuckled and nodded.

 

“I told him you’d say that.”

 

There was a pause and the air went stale with both of their unsaid words.

 

I think you should talk to him.

I need to tell him I’m sorry.

I love him.

I know you do.

 

“For what it’s worth, Ellie, I think he has good intentions.”

 

Another pause.

 

“Ten minutes,” she said, pushing past him and making her way down the stairs a little quicker than she needed to.

 

Tommy chuckled, not turning around to follow just yet.

 

“I told him that too,” he mumbled under his breath.

 

~

 

He was sitting on one of the rocking chairs on the front porch when the door creaked open. He didn’t look up when she stepped out. Not when she closed the door behind him, or moved to sit in the empty chair next to him.

 

“It’s cool out tonight. I guess it’s like that after a storm, I don’t know, I don’t ever pay much attention to these things,” he said, pressing his thumb into his palm like it was a scratch off that could give him some scripted apology.

 

“Yeah,” she muttered, mirroring his behavior subconsciously, pushing her thumb into her palm and breathing shakily.

 

“I was dumb-”

 

“Yeah you fuckin’ were. You just tossed me away like I was nothing, like the last eight months haven't meant shit to you. Like I was a burden,” she said, her hands beginning to shake as she threw her anger at him.

 

It didn’t help.

 

“I know, I’m sorry,” he said.

 

“Tough! You fucked up, you don’t get to just come over and throw some half assed apology at me and expect me to run back home,” she said, standing up and walking towards the door.

 

“I don’t know how to do this,” he stammered, like he was tripping over the sentence.

 

Her hand hovered over the door handle, but she didn’t open it, not yet. She stopped where she stood and listened without looking back at him.

 

“I never do. Not with Sarah, not with Tess, vulnerability isn’t really something I’m good at.”

 

There was no smart remark to that. There could’ve been, but what for? What would that accomplish? No, for a minute she just listened.

 

“I’m not- I’m not a good man, Ellie. I’m actually pretty fucked up. I get angry, say things I don’t mean, I push people away and I blame it on my sick daughter because it makes me look better than saying I’m a prick and I don’t actually want to be close to anyone.”

 

Ellie’s brows furrowed at that, like she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. 

 

“I was scared that if I paid too much attention to you I would miss something with Sarah, but the truth is Ellie, she’s gonna die one day just like me. Just like you, and life is too short to sit around waiting for it to happen. She needs to be able to be happy, and you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be cared for, to not have to worry about being picked up from soccer practice on time, or where you’re going to sleep at night. I’m not saying that what I did is okay, it’s not and if you never forgive me I’ll understand, but I need you to know that if you want to come home, if you want a place to be able to hide from all the fucked up shit in your world, I can make that my place. I’ll do my best to make it safe for you again.”

 

That last line.

 

I’ll do my best to make it safe for you again.

 

He wasn’t just apologizing, he was paying attention. He understood that he hadn’t just hurt her, he’d taken away the last bit of safety and security she had. He understood. This was some monumental unfucking of her world. He’d actually made himself less of a douchebag. Whatever epiphany he had she was grateful for. She was still angry with him, god, she was pissed. But she was wrong too.

 

She was going to jump in his truck and go home without a second thought.

 

Ellie finally opened the door.

 

“Ten minutes are up,” she said, and he sighed like he was cursing himself silently.

 

“Turn the truck on, I’ll be out in a minute.”

Notes:

My genuine reaction was the Tom and Jerry meme or Jerry crying with a hand over his mouth. This was depressing. Anyways, as always let me know how you liked it! Comment if you feel like it, I read them all even if I don't always have time to respond and it really makes my day. See you in the next chapter! (spoiler alert: it's Colorado)

Chapter 25: Go Big Horns!

Summary:

oh yeah, it's getting juicy. the millers + ellie are a family and something very big and very scary happens.

Sarah recovered within the week. The flareup was bad, but it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. The blood came from a Mallory Weiss tear and not internal bleeding of the intestines. In other words, she’d just thrown up so much she tore open her throat. Not glamorous, but definitely not deadly.

 

Ellie was back home now, and something was different. A lot of things were different in very subtle ways. Joel made sure Ellie ate breakfast now. If she didn’t want to eat, he made her a protein shake so that she never went hungry. If she wanted to go somewhere she asked and he took her even if he wasn’t enthused about it. Last night, they’d gone to the gas station at twelve in the morning because she couldn’t sleep. She got a Dr. Pepper and he paid for it in silence. They ate a can of boiled peanuts in his truck in silence and Sarah was still asleep by the time they got back. She couldn’t explain it, but there was this softness between them now that settled into the deepest wounds she had and made her feel whole again.

 

She’d spent so long trying so hard not to get attached to him. Now? She didn’t think being attached was so bad. Maybe there was a world in which Joel and Sarah were her family. Where she belonged to someone.

 

The bell ringing pulled her out of her thoughts and she stood up to shove papers and pencils into her backpack for her next class.

 

“Ellie, can I talk to you for a minute?”

 

Coach Stetson. He’d been pretty on edge lately and she wasn’t sure if it was just because they were nearing the end of the fall season or if there was something else. Honestly, she hadn’t been paying too much attention since she got home. She didn’t need to overanalyze her surroundings anymore. For the first time in a long time, she felt safe and secure where she was.

 

“Sure,” she said, slinging her backpack onto her shoulder and leaning against the desk carefully.

 

“I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing after the other day,” he said.

 

At first she wasn’t sure what he was talking about. The days had sort of bled together since she’d gotten back from Tommy’s house, and she made it a point not to think about her and Joel’s argument. She didn’t want to be angry at him when things were good. Maybe that was unhealthy, but she’d pay for it later.

 

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” she urged, glancing over at the door and then back to the man in front of her.

 

She was going to be late, and she didn’t want Joel to get the notification that she was absent before her teacher could change it.

 

“Ellie…” he breathed her name like he’d startle her if he said it too loud.

 

Maybe at some point he would’ve, but not now. Right now she wasn’t even pretending to be fine. Things were genuinely good. It was actually kind of sad. She’d spent so long being a dumpster fire of a human being that people were concerned when things were actually good.

 

“You know you don’t have to be okay all of the time right? You can talk to people about what you’re feeling. You can talk to me,” he said.

 

His voice was so calm, so inviting. It broke her mind for a minute. Shot circuited it. Because he was right. She had more people to talk to than she knew what to do with now. Tommy, Sarah, even Joel would listen if she needed him to, but she didn’t. Or she did, but she couldn’t bring herself to burden anyone with her issues. They were hers. Not theirs. Her baggage to carry.

 

“Thanks, Coach, but seriously, I’m okay right now. I sorted things out with Joel. He didn’t mean to forget me, Sarah was real sick, and we don’t live too far from here, I walked home,” she explained, pretending the room wasn’t getting smaller with every breath she took.

 

Coach Stetson took a minute to consider her answer. He seemed skeptical. Either he didn’t believe her or he thought that she was hiding something else. 

 

Anything he was thinking stayed in his head when he moved over to his desk and opened the drawer. The bell rang while he dug through it and Ellie’s heart sank to her stomach. She didn’t need Joel to be pissed at her today, they’d just gotten back on good terms.

 

Thankfully for her, there were no tricks up Stetson’s sleeves. He pulled out the notepad of hall passes and wrote one up for her.

 

“Will I see you at practice tomorrow?” he asked as he wrote.

 

“Yeah, of course. Sarah should be back too, she’s doing a lot better,” she replied.

 

He nodded and ripped the pass off the pad and handed it to her.

 

“You better get going.”

 

Ellie gave a firm nod and took off with the pass. One class down, three more to go.

 

~

 

Joel was back at work now. The project suffered without him, but his boss managed as much as he could. He was empathetic. Called to check on Sarah and didn’t dock his pay. If he had to work here for the rest of his life he wouldn’t hate it. There were worse places to be.

He brushed sweat from his brow and a couple of leaves off of his shirt. As the seasons shifted the trees began to die and the sun spent less time above the horizon. It meant shorter work days, not in the sense that he got off earlier, but that he only had a certain amount of sunlight before he had to work with a flashlight in his mouth. The only trade off was that it wasn’t blazing hot while he was laying roofing and sawing two by fours.

 

“Joel!”

 

He turned his eyes to the direction that the sound came from. One of his co-workers, Jim. 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Somebody’s here to see you,” Jim said.

 

Joel peeled off his gloves and stuffed them in his pocket. His first thought was Tess. She was the only one that showed up during the middle of the day to bother him. Then he remembered she was dead. She wasn’t ever going to show up here again, so the only other logical answer was Tommy.

 

“Tell him I’ll be there in a minute,” he huffed, but he was already moving toward the ladder.

 

“Him?” Jim questioned.

 

Joel rose a brow and froze where he stood.

 

“Hm?”

 

“It’s a lady.”

 

Who else could…

 

“Goddamn it,” he muttered, starting down the stairs.

 

By the time his boots hit the ground, she was already making her way over to him.

 

“You know I have a phone right? You could just call. As a matter of a fact, you should just call, I haven’t heard from you in months and then you show up here for what? To check in?”

 

When he turned to look at her, arms crossed over his chest, he realized that she wasn’t wearing the same stiff demeanor that she usually was. She was hesitant, like she was testing the water.

 

“Why are you here?” he asked, but this time there was no challenge.

 

Something was wrong, and if it had to do with Ellie he needed to know right then and there.

 

“I’m just going to cut to the chase, there’s someone that’s interested in taking her off your hands.”

 

The words knocked the wind out of him. The way she said it so casually made him sick in a way he couldn’t explain.

 

“Take her off my hands? Take her off my hands? Jesus Christ, Marlene, she’s a fucking kid, she isn’t some antique I’m just going to hand over to somebody I don’t even know,” he said, raising his voice without realizing it.

 

“Joel, come on, you knew this wasn’t forever. You didn’t even want her to begin with. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

 

He scoffed.

 

“Harder than it has to be? I’ve been taking care of her for the better part of a year. I’ve watched her lose the only people she’s ever been close with. I’ve watched her be angry and scared and hopeless, and I’ve done my best to make sure she has what she needs. And yes, I fucking failed. I failed her over and over again, but I finally get the chance to do right by her and now you come to my place of employment and tell me you’re just taking her away from me? Just like that? No, you can’t, I’m sorry,” he said.

 

There was something in his tone that hadn’t been there in over five years. It was buried behind self hatred and his undying need to protect Sarah from the inevitability of death. It was fear. Real, genuine fear. He was so scared of the idea of Ellie not being around anymore that he was tripping over it.

 

“I’m not taking anything from you, Joel. She’s not your kid!” Marlene barked defensively.

“What if I want her to be?”

 

The entire atmosphere seemed to quiet around them when he said that. The wind stopped rustling through the trees. Birds stopped chirping. Car horns died off into some distant reality detached from their own.

 

“You’re talking about adopting her,” Marlene clarified.

 

“Yes.”

 

She seemed puzzled by the thought, but after a moment of mulling it over she nodded.

 

“If you were in the process of adopting her, nobody else would be able to foster her. It’s a process though. A long one. There’s a lot of paperwork involved and you’re gonna have to be on your best behavior from here on out. No more dropping her with Tommy when she pisses you off-”

 

“He narced?”

 

“I needed to know where she was.”

Maybe that was true, but even so, he’d be having a conversation about discretion with his little brother the next time they spoke.

 

“Okay,” he finally agreed.

 

“Okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Joel, we have to be clear about this, alright? This isn’t just something you can say and be done with. I need to know you’re serious about this. You can’t just give her back when things get tough.”

 

Joel uncrossed his arms and shoved his hands into his pockets with an impatient sigh.

 

“Just give me the damn paperwork,” he said.

 

She looked at him for a long while. Examining every centimeter of his expression. Whatever she was looking for, she didn’t find. He knew that when she relaxed and surrendered.

 

“Alright, I’ll drop it on your porch in the morning, call me if you have questions,” she said, wrapping her keys around her finger and walking back towards her car.

 

Joel just stayed frozen where he stood thinking about what this meant. Adoption. It meant she was his. He was responsible for her from now until the day he died. Maybe not technically, but he didn’t run on technicalities. It meant that things would be different. It was no longer just him in Sarah. Not in any form or fashion. He couldn’t push Ellie away. He’d been trying to do better, but if he adopted her there was no trying, he had to do better. 

 

Then an awful thought settled in the pit of his stomach.

 

What if she didn’t want to be adopted? What if she was so used to running around from place to place that she didn’t want to stick around? Then she wouldn’t have made a big deal about him sending her off to Tommy. 

 

As Marlene drove off, he swallowed his doubt and made the decision to go back to work. There was no sense in dwelling on it now. He’d figure it out later.

 

~

 

They had a game that week. The first one in a while where both her and Sarah were on the field and it was electric. The two of them, with the addition of a couple other promising players on the team, were a force to be reckoned with. 

 

They beat the other team two to nothing. When they scored the last goal in the last few seconds of the game, the team gathered in this great huddle of celebration. Her and Sarah got pats on the back from people that didn’t even really like them half the time. But that was the nature of sports, people didn’t have to like you to respect you, and Ellie appreciated that a whole lot more than being liked.

 

“Not bad, Golden Girl,” Ellie said, playfully shoving Sarah’s arm.

 

The smile hadn’t left Sarah’s face since the whistle signaled the end of the match. Even drenched in sweat and still catching her breath, she was radiant.

 

“You’re not too bad yourself,” she said.

There wasn’t much more room for discussion when Coach Stetson blew into the whistle again and gave them all directions. To the bench to get their stuff. Make sure they have everything and leave the field clean. Everyone except Sarah. Sarah was to stay behind, but why? He didn’t say.

 

She tried to stay, but Coach dismissed her a second time and she didn’t try to fight it. What was so important that she couldn’t be near Sarah when it happened? 

 

Ellie went to collect her things, but she did so quickly, and with one ear open.

 

She didn’t catch much. Something about meeting someone important. It sounded uninteresting until she turned around and took in the appearance of the new figure. There was now an older man with them. He was slender in khaki cargo shorts and a mint green polo tee. It made no sense because it was nearing the middle of fall. Not much longer and they’d start getting snow. 

 

The man had a shiny bald head and crooked glasses, but somewhere under all of that she could tell he was official in some way.

It wasn’t until she saw Sarah’s face light up that she understood. The man was a scout, and Sarah just got some big opportunity. Ellie was proud of her in the way every sister, blood or not would be. Meaning she never doubted Sarah’s capabilities, but right now in this moment, watching her obtain yet another thing that was untouchable for her made her stomach knot and her head hurt. 

 

It wasn’t Sarah’s fault. She just did things and she did them with so much grace and confidence that people naturally flocked to her. That wasn’t who Ellie was. It never would be.

 

“Congrats, Golden Girl, I’m proud of you,” she muttered, even if Sarah was too far to hear.

 

Then she started for the bleachers where Joel, Tommy, and Maria were sitting. At the very least, there was them. Family? That word still didn’t quite feel right. Not when nothing was official. She was still just transient, but they were her safety net, and that much she was thankful for.

 

~

Sarah hadn’t committed yet. They were only juniors, she had plenty of time to score other deals, but she’d keep this one on the back burner just in case. Joel convinced her this was the right thing to do and she didn’t argue.

 

Proud was an understatement. He was proud when she aced a calculus exam. He was proud when she told him she was feeling sick instead of hiding it until it got bad. This was something different. Against all odds, his baby girl, who he’d been so terrified would die early and leave him alone with nothing but his guilt and regret, was being scouted for something she loved. She was going to go to college and get her degree and live a long happy life and he didn’t have to be scared any more. 

 

In a way… he was letting go.

 

And he was so much happier for it.

 

Downside to being happy was that Tommy liked to exploit every ounce of it that he could. On Saturday, September the twenty sixth, that meant celebrating his birthday. It was all arranged before he could say no. Tommy picked the girls up early that Friday before and then when Joel got off of work he was told to pack a bag.

 

The eldest Miller brother was originally defiant. He was skeptical and demanded details, but when Sarah and Ellie broke out into a fit of giggles at mentions of the plan he let his curiosity get the better of them.

 

So where were they going?

 

Colorado. Joel’s birthday gift this year was that all of them had tickets to the UEC Big Horns against Colorado State game. He tried to pretend like he was only mildly grateful, but his excitement couldn’t be contained during the game. Him and Tommy could’ve been sports announcers with the amount of commentary they had on every play.

 

Despite the year he’d had, the game was a moment of solace on a usually very bleak day. In fact, he didn’t think about the day Sarah got sick once the whole time they were there, and when the game ended and they began the painfully long walk back to the parking lot, he allowed himself to bask in the peace.

 

Tommy had Sarah asleep in his arms. She never liked football much. Soccer was her sport through and through. It never upset him, she liked what she liked and so did he. Nothing wrong with it. What he didn’t expect was for Ellie to be so intrigued by the mechanics of the game.

 

“So, let me see if I get it straight. If you mess up your fourth down, then you give the ball to the other team?” she asked, gravel crunching under her converses as they entered the parking lot.

 

“Right, it's called turnover,” he confirmed.

 

“And if you clear the ten yards then you're back at...first down?”

 

He smiled at how quick she was to understand. Despite being glad that Sarah had her own interests, it was nice to not be a total loser with Ellie.

 

“First down, that's right,” he said.

 

“Man… that’s confusing,” she huffed, kicking a small rock and sending it skidding across the road.

 

“You just gotta play it a couple of times. It'll all make sense,” he said, though he doubted she’d be playing football anytime soon.

 

There was a brief moment of silence as the three of them, not counting Sarah backpacking off of Tommy, continued to walk. It was interrupted once again by Ellie, but not about football this time.

 

“So, these places… colleges, people live here and just study? It’s like high school: the extended cut?” she asked, the thought settling on her face with disdain.

 

Joel chuckled and nodded in response.

 

“Yeah, study, party, and find themselves. Figure out what they want to do with their lives,” he said.

 

He didn’t question why she knew so little about something so common. He didn’t question most things about her anymore because the answers just made him mad. There was no sense dwelling on all of the people who failed her when he could just help her to understand the parts of the world that slipped through her fingers. He didn’t want to fix her, she wasn’t broken, he just wanted to be someone she could ask questions to and not be scared of the answer.

 

“Did you ever go to college?” 

 

The curiosity in her voice warmed his heart in a way he still wasn’t quite used to. Her question drew a quiet laugh from Tommy that Joel knew meant yeah right and he sighed before answering.

 

“No, not as a student at least,” he said.

 

“Well.. why not?” 

 

Tommy seemed to stiffen at that. Him and Joel exchanged a glance that Ellie didn’t seem to catch and pushed through. 

 

“Uhh...I had Sarah when I was pretty young,” he explained.

 

“Oh…” Ellie started. “Were you married?

 

“For a while.”

 

“What happened?”

 

She didn’t mean anything by the question. In her mind it was harmless. She wasn’t prying, she was just trying to get to know him. Despite everything she was still just a kid trying to figure out how life worked. But this was something he wasn’t ready to explain.

 

“Okay,” he said as they reached the rental truck.

 

Tommy set Sarah in the back seat and buckled her seatbelt.

 

“Too much?” Ellie asked, reaching for the door handle.

 

“Too much,” he agreed, but it was gentle.

 

There was no malice or pushiness in his voice. It wasn’t even really a stop more so just a not now and that in and of itself was development for him.

 

“Hey, I was thinking…” Ellie started from the backseat. “I would love to be an astronaut.”

Joel and Tommy exchanged a glance as Tommy began to pull out of the parking space. It was a strange change of conversation, but he’d indulge it. Better than the last conversation.

 

“That a fact?” he asked, looking at her in the rearview mirror.

 

“Yeah! Can you imagine being up there all by yourself? I think it would be cool. I'm just sayin'...”

 

Her voice trailed off, and he thought it might be the end of her anecdote until she spoke up again.

 

“What about you? What'd you want to be when you were growing up?”

 

Tommy laughed out loud and Joel sighed, resigning in defeat. 

 

“Go on, Joel,” Tommy said. “Why don’t you tell her?”

 

Joel groaned like the thought pained him and he rolled his eyes.

“Don’t be a dick, Tommy,” he started.

 

“Oh, well now I’m really interested,” Ellie chimed in, but it wasn’t condescending or patronizing.

 

She was still just curious.

 

He took a deep breath and braced himself for Tommy’s antics.

 

“I used to want to be a...a singer,” he admitted.

 

Ellie paused for a moment like she wasn’t sure she’d heard him right. He could tell it finally registered when she started laughing.

 

“Shut up,” she said playfully.

 

“I'm serious.”

 

There was another pause where she registered that he wasn’t kidding, and then her eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas.

 

“Sing something,” she urged.

Tommy got all giddy too. Halfway like he remembered what Joel’s singing voice sounded like from when they were kids, and half like he couldn’t wait to make fun of him in brotherly sport.

 

“Ah, no,” Joel said, rubbing the back of his neck.

 

He did that when he was nervous.

 

“Come on! I won't laugh,” Ellie pressed.

 

“I don't think so,” he said.

 

“Awe, come on, Joel. For old time’s sake,” Tommy chimed in, some of the mischief fading from his smile.

 

Even if Tommy really did have mostly good intentions, Joel just wasn’t up for it. It was late and he didn’t sing for anyone except Sarah. Not even Tess when she was still around. It would take a really special moment to get him to budge and this was not that moment.

 

After a while, Tommy and Ellie stopped prying and the truck fell silent save for the wind and the faint sound of the radio turned down too low to matter.

Even in the silence, Joel was comfortable. More comfortable than he’d been in years. He never imagined he would be this close with Tommy again. Never imagined he’d be riding shotgun on the way back from a Big Horns game. On his birthday no less. Never imagined that Sarah would not be his only baby girl and even now, it was still hard to process.

 

He hadn’t told Ellie yet that he was in the process of adopting her. He didn’t know how. He didn’t want to scare her or make her feel trapped, but there was this strange new thing developing between them. He cared. So much about everything. He noticed when she did or didn’t eat. He could always tell how much sleep she’d gotten by how shaky she was or wasn’t in the morning. He wanted to get to know her and he now made an effort to understand her. She was no longer just his responsibility, but someone worth caring for, not just caring about.

 

He just hoped that he wasn’t too late.

 

~

 

The trip to Colorado was a short one. They spent that Saturday there and left Sunday afternoon. Right back to school and work and soccer the next day, but remnants of it hung around in the air like a breeze. Sometimes Joel held a glance at Ellie a little too long and she smiled. Sometimes she felt loved and didn’t try to convince herself that it wasn’t real. Things were calm. They were good.

 

Later that week, Sarah had another appointment in Pittsburgh. This time the appointment fell on a day when they didn’t have school, so Ellie didn’t have to worry about missing notes and falling behind. Ever since Joel’s birthday there was this newfound pep in her step, and even in the bleakness of the waiting room, she had a smile on her face.

 

“You drawn me yet?” she asked, eyes locked on Sarah who had her sketchbook and pen in hand.

 

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Sarah asked, not looking up from the page.

 

“Uh.. yeah, that’s why I asked,” Ellie pressed, but there was no bark in her voice.

 

Sarah rolled her eyes and before Ellie could pester her more the double doors that led to the exam rooms flung open and a nurse stepped out.

“Sarah Miller?” she called.

 

Sarah shut her sketchbook and stood up. Ellie followed and Joel trailed behind in silence. 

 

She couldn’t make out exactly what it was, but there was something in the air that bothered her. Something different. The energy was off. It was always off in this place, but even more so. Was it because the last time they were there Sam was still alive? Maybe. But if so, wouldn’t she feel it too? No. Something was wrong.

 

The nurse took Sarah’s vitals and made sure her meds were up to date. Ellie expected for them to be taken to their usual place. The room with all of the chairs and tvs and IV machines.

 

But that wasn’t what happened.

 

They were taken to an exam room and sat down. The nurse told them the doctor would be there in a few minutes and Ellie couldn’t help but wonder why the procedure was different this time.

 

“I thought we were here for your infusion,” Ellie said, turning to look at Sarah as she spoke.

 

Sarah shifted where she sat on the table. The paper liner crinkled under her weight and she just nodded uncertainly.

 

“My infusions are done. It was a medical trial just to see if it would control my symptoms. This is where we find out,” she explained.

 

Ellie wasn’t sure why, but her stomach dropped at Sarah’s explanation. That explained the looming cloud of anxiety in the air. This visit was going to tell them whether or not Sarah was a lost cause. But wasn’t she already? She was never going to be cured, but it wasn’t going to kill her so what did any of this matter? It felt like a rat race.

 

“Oh,” was all she could manage, but she caught a glimpse from Joel in the corner.

 

He looked like he was feeling all of this too. Naturally, he felt it more than either of them sometimes, but today it was really getting to him.

 

The knock on the door pulled her out of her thoughts and she straightened a little without thinking.

 

When the doctor walked in he was wearing a smile. A lab coat that made him look like the cardboard cutouts you’d see in a pharmacy advertising medicine. 

 

“I’m Dr. Mendez, it’s nice to finally meet you in person,” he said, holding his hand out for Sarah to shake.

 

She did, and then Joel did, and for Ellie a confused glance had to suffice. 

 

She watched the doctor sit down with his laptop. Listened to him ask the routine questions. She tried to tune out Sarah’s recap of her last hospital stay for her own sanity. The symptoms. The relapses in her remission. It made her stomach twist even more as she anxiously awaited the verdict.

Nothing could’ve prepared her for it.

 

The doctor shifted in a way that Ellie had learned from many years of watching adults give hard news meant something horrible was coming. Something so horrible it was uncomfortable even for a doctor that did this for a living.

 

“Sarah… I have to be honest with you, sweetheart, the infusions did very little to improve your condition. And your last relapse, I looked over the notes in your chart… your condition is worsening,” he said gently.

 

Sarah didn’t move. She didn’t blink. Ellie wasn’t close enough to tell, but she didn’t even look like she was breathing. 

 

“What?” Ellie piped up.

 

Joel gave her a look that meant don’t , but she didn’t care. She wasn’t going to just let Sarah get sicker. She couldn’t. She’d finally found her family, she wasn’t going to let anything destroy that.

 

“There are options-”

 

“No, she was getting better. She was doing better. She’s the captain of the soccer team. She’s got scholarships lined up. She’s going to be fine,” she interjected.

 

“Ellie,” Joel said sternly.

 

She wanted to argue. She wanted to explode and go on about how stupid the doctor was and how if he knew the treatment wasn’t working they should’ve shifted to something else. She wanted to yell at Joel for not being as angry as she was, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t say anything at all, it was stuck in her throat and refused to come out. It was like she was being strangled and as the tears began to brim at her waterline all she could do was sit there in defeat.

 

“As I was saying, there are options. We can continue her usual treatments and monitor her condition for stability, or, there is another trial-”

 

“No.”

 

Ellie and Joel’s eyes snapped to Sarah at the same time. No . No? What did she mean, no ?

 

“Sarah,” Joel started.

 

“No. No more trials. No more medicine, I’m tired. I’m tired and I would like to go home and be comfortable for a while,” she said, her own emotions beginning to get the better of her.

 

Ellie watched Joel’s face. There was the slightest twitch, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He didn’t get angry, but he wasn’t backing down either.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous, you don’t know what you’re saying,” he dismissed. “Tell me about the-”

 

“Yes, I do! I’m the one who has to go through it! I’m the one who has to be poked and prodded and ripped apart and sewn back together over and over and over, and I don’t ever get a choice! I get held down and these doctors order their treatments and I stare at the ceiling and beg for it to be over. I sit through that pain! It’s my pain! And I am so fucking tired of it. So no, I do not want to spend the rest of my life being delusional and pretending I’m going to live a normal life one day. I am never going to get better. So stop waiting for it to happen and be happy that you still have me.”

 

The room felt so much colder when the silence settled in. The doctor was stunned. Joel was trying his damndest not to cry and failing miserably.

 

“Baby,” he started.

 

Nothing followed. What was there for him to say? What was there for any of them to say? Of course, Sarah was right. She didn’t have a choice. Whether or not she got this treatment was up to him, but Ellie couldn’t imagine the weight that must have on him. He could choose to let her waste away, give into her sickness and live the way she wanted, or he could try to heal her. But either way it seemed she would be miserable, and he would be miserable, and they’d all bask in the horrible fate of knowing someone will never reach their full potential. What a horrible curse to have.

 

“I think maybe it would be best to give her a moment. Mr. Miller, why don’t you and I step outside?” the doctor proposed.

 

All Joel could do was nod and wipe the stray tears from his face. Ellie couldn’t tell what he was thinking, but she wished that she could. Maybe then she wouldn’t feel so alone again.

 

~

 

When the door clicked shut, Joel felt as if he might throw up all over the linoleum tile below. He didn’t though. He held his composure between tightened lips and let the doctor speak.

 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Miller. Her reaction is understandable given all she’s endured, I take no offense to it,” Dr. Mendez assured.

 

Joel just nodded and gathered his thoughts from the storm raging in his mind. It was hard to think about anything other than Sarah’s words.

 

“Tell me about the trial,” he finally managed.

 

Dr. Mendez nodded and began to explain.

 

“There’s a pediatric surgeon and pain specialist out in Utah. Salt Lake City. I could put in word with the insurance company and they might be able to cover your travel. It’s a long shot but he’s been studying brain activity in patients like Sarah. Her flare ups are caused by what is essentially like a seizure. Her brain sends distress signals to her digestive system which say there’s a blockage when there isn’t. If we can find a way to disrupt that signal there’s a chance we can develop a treatment that will stop her from ever having another flare up.”

 

Joel’s mind twisted over and over trying to grasp at what the man was saying. Disrupting the signals.

 

“A cure?”

 

The doctor shifted and shook his head.

 

“No. A cure would imply that her condition is reversed completely. She’ll always have this illness. If we developed this treatment and she were to stop her condition would go back to the way it was before. This is simply a lifelong bandaid that would never soil or expire.”

 

Every word sold him more and more on this alternative. There was a chance that Sarah could go on and live her life just like everyone else. It was a miracle. The only reason he wasn’t jumping on the paperwork right then was what Sarah had said just moments before. She didn’t want this. She didn’t want any part of it, and as angry and confused as he might be, he couldn’t blame her. He’d spent so long wrapped up in his fear that he didn’t stop to understand how horrible it may be for her. How many nightmares did she wake up from still begging some doctor to stop? How many days did she come home from a long day and go straight to sleep because she’d learned that going to sleep stops the pain? It was such a horrible way to live and here he was with the decision. Was he going to subject her to a life’s worth or torture just to keep her around? Or would he respect her wishes?

 

“Can we have some time to think about it?” he finally asked.

 

Dr. Mendez nodded. 

 

“Sure, just email me when you decide,” he said.

 

Joel gave a nod back and after a brief handshake and a thank you, the doctor was gone and Joel was left in the hallway to think. What a horrible thing. Thinking. Deciding. Would he betray Sarah’s trust and lose her respect by keeping her as healthy as he could? Or would he let her be? 

 

In that moment, he had to decide. What kind of father did he want to be?

Notes:

I lowkey wanted this to be longer but it's 5,000+ words and I don't want to yap so I had to divide it into two chapters. anyways, I hope you liked it! as always, feel free to leave comments, you guys are so creative lol it actually gives me life to go through and read all of them. love you all so so much, see you in the next one!

Chapter 26: You Can Take A Horse To Water (But You Can't Teach Fish To Fly)

Summary:

FAT trigger warning for allusions to s/a. not active in the chapter, but it's mentioned when speaking about past experiences. that aside, Ellie is losing it, Joel is losing it, they lose it together, and Sarah is on the verge of the mental breakdown of the century.

To her credit, Ellie managed to stay silent the entire drive home. Her leg never stopped bouncing and she’d rubbed all the dead skin off her palms but she stayed silent. Fighting in a small space like that made her claustrophobic. There was nowhere she could go if she wanted to end the conversation. As soon as they walked through the door, her composure fell through like it was made of glass.

 

She followed a few feet behind Sarah as they walked inside.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

 

Sarah didn’t turn around. She just started up the stairs. Ellie followed like somebody’s lost dog. Hostile, scared, begging for her way back home. Back to when things were good. When Sarah was gentle and full of life. When the Millers were the best family that could never choose her.

 

“Ellie I am not in the mood right now,” Sarah warned, continuing into her room.

 

“Then get in the mood! I am not just going to let you sit here feeling sorry for yourself because getting better is hard! You think Sam has that option? Even better, Tess had that option and she took the easy fucking way out and now look at us. If you think your dad can handle losing you, you’re delusional. He wouldn’t survive a day in this hell hole without you. Okay? I wouldn’t survive another day without you, you can’t just give up!”

 

Ellie didn’t realize how loud she was being until the silence replaced her anger and all that was left was the morning sunlight and that look in Sarah’s eyes. The look she gets when she’s lost something.

 

“That is not fair,” Sarah finally managed, tears beginning to drip from her eyes without her permission.

 

“Life isn’t fair, Sarah! Bad shit happens to good people and there is no reason. Sam died because his body couldn’t support him anymore. Tess died because her brain couldn’t handle the truth, you do not have to end up like either of them. You can make the choice to stay. To fight. The Sarah I know? The one that dragged me bloody and bruised in from the rain, she wouldn’t just give up like this.”

 

“Then maybe you don’t know me as well as you thought you did.”

 

And suddenly, all of the oxygen in the room was sucked out. Her lungs were collapsing in her chest, eyes stinging and all she could do was stand there. If there was one thing that Ellie had learned in all of her years of being alive it was that the only people who can actually hurt you are the people you love. Somebody could beat the shit out of you every day, but bruises heal. If you don’t give them any part of you they can’t take it away. But Ellie had given Sarah a knife by calling her family and somehow she was still surprised when the blood came pouring out around it.

 

Despite all of the pain and anger and every horrible thing she was feeling, she couldn’t argue. What was there to argue about? She wasn’t going to change her mind. It was Riley all over again. Every time, there was always some reason they couldn’t stay. For a long time she thought it was her, then she found Joel and Sarah and thought maybe that wasn’t it. Maybe the universe was just random and unfortunate. But it was hard to consider that angle when she couldn’t keep a single person in her life. She couldn’t hold onto a single good thing. So what was it? Was she being punished for something in a past life? Was she just a magnet of destruction? Or was she really so unlovable but no one could stomach her for longer than a few months?

 

Did it even matter?

 

Not now. She left Sarah to her own devices. Slammed the door and listened as Sarah broke down. Glass shattering, fragile things being smashed to bits, wood being hit, sobbing, screaming. It was such a mess that she didn’t get five minutes into trashing her room before Joel swung the door open and stopped her.

 

Neither of them came out for a long time.

 

Ellie stayed in the hall. She could’ve gone back to her room and truth be told--she wasn’t sure why she hadn’t. She couldn’t. Her legs refused to carry her anywhere. Maybe she was too tired or too weak. Too something to move. So she sat there with her back against the wall and cried silently.

 

It was scary how good she was at it. Silent. Neat. No traces of emotion were left anywhere but the storm raged in her mind. All she’d ever wanted was to be loved and for some reason that was such a formidable task. She just hoped that for Sarah’s sake she had a little more fight left in her. She deserved all of the good things that life gave her. Maybe that was why Ellie was so angry. Jealousy. It was such a horrible thought, but she couldn’t understand how things just fell into Sarah’s lap and she was throwing it all away because she didn’t have the energy. Ellie never had the energy to do anything, but she made the energy to love Sarah. Maybe she was a fool for that too.

 

~

 

Sarah skipped practice again. Joel let her mope around in bed for a day. Maybe she needed it. Even in all of her anger, she couldn’t pretend that she knew what was best for her. Ellie didn’t even really know what was best for herself most days. She’d leave the parenting to Joel.

 

Ellie was at school. She went to practice and she kicked that ball around like it was the source of all of her problems. She had half a mind to beat the shit out of Bethany every time she made a comment she thought Ellie couldn’t hear. For Joel’s sake, she didn’t. He had enough on his plate, he didn’t need to deal with her getting in trouble. Especially not so close to the end of the semester. There was no point.

 

By the end of practice it was raining and it was cold. Everyone packed up, but as usual Ellie was prompted to stay behind.

 

“Ellie!”

 

She turned her attention to Coach Stetson who was standing underneath the awning near the bus loop. It was a short walk away from the field and near the parking lot, so she made her way over there and stopped when she was out of the rain.

 

“I won’t keep you too long, I was just wondering where Sarah was,” he said.

 

Even hearing her name felt like a curse.

 

“She’s at home, she’s not feeling well.”

 

Coach Stetson nodded and glanced out into the parking lot.

 

“Is Joel here?” he asked.

 

Ellie followed his eyes to all of the cars and scanned through them for Joel’s pickup. She couldn’t see it directly, and he wasn’t parked in his usual spot, but somebody else was. She was sure that meant he was here somewhere.

 

“Yeah,” she said.

 

Coach eventually turned to her and when she met his eyes he seemed vaguely anxious about something. 

 

“Ellie, I need you to come to class a few minutes early tomorrow, okay?” he asked.

 

Ellie’s brows furrowed at the question. She wasn’t in trouble. She hadn’t done anything, and her grades were fine. What could he possibly need her for?

 

“Why?” she pressed.

 

“There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

As if he couldn’t get any more ominous. She was just about to ask him what he needed her for when a pair of headlights and the low rumble of an engine interrupted them.

 

Joel.

 

For some reason, there was a sense of relief that washed over her. Why? She wasn’t sure. The conversation was odd, but Stetson was harmless. He’d only ever wanted what was best for her. Then it occurred to her she did this on the rare occasion that something good rolled around. It was impossible for her to just let someone care about her. She had to sabotage it every time by convincing herself that they had bad intentions. It kept her from being hurt.

 

“I’ll swing by,” she finally said, and then she was in the truck and Joel was driving away with a pinched face that meant he was concerned.

 

“What was that about?” he asked.

 

Ellie shrugged as she put her backpack on the floorboard.

 

“Don’t know yet. He just said he needed to talk to me tomorrow and that I needed to come to school early. Probably soccer stuff,” she explained.

 

Joel’s knuckles whitened a little as he gripped the wheel tighter. Whatever he was thinking he didn’t say it. She knew he was uncomfortable though and to some extent she was too.

 

“Well, uh, Sarah wanted to go to Tommy’s for a few days. Change of scenery to clear her head, so I guess it’s just gonna be me and you,” he said.

 

There was this strange sensation that washed over her at the idea of Sarah not being with them. She couldn’t quite place it. It wasn’t a sad feeling, but she wasn’t jumping for joy either. Maybe she was intrigued to see how Joel got on when Sarah wasn’t around. Was it the same? Was he calmer? Surely not. He’d be worried about her the whole time. That made the most sense given his past behavior, but even so she had a feeling that he wasn’t going to be that way.

 

“What do you want for dinner?” he asked.

 

Ellie quirked a brow and looked over at him like he’d just said the most outlandish thing she’d ever heard.

 

“What? I don’t feel like cookin’ tonight, what do you want?”

 

There was a brief mischievous pause where Ellie tried to figure out what her heart and stomach desired. It wasn’t rare that they picked up food on the way home, it was just rare that she got to pick.

 

“Uh… chinese food!” she exclaimed, much more enthusiastic than she’d intended.

 

Joel chuckled and nodded, glancing between his mirrors. 

 

“Alright then, takeout it is.”

 

~

 

Takeout turned out to be the best possible choice. Ellie was stuffed before she could even finish half of her meal and it was the best feeling. Even after almost a year of stability, she still wasn’t used to moments like these when everything was quiet and perfect.

 

The two of them had just finished this movie about some guy with metal claws and a girl that was sort of his daughter but not really, but technically. The lore was confusing, but by god did the movie have her weeping by the end.

 

“Are you crying?” Joel asked as the credits rolled.

 

“Shut up,” she muttered, sniffling and wiping her nose on her sleeve.

 

Joel let out a belly laugh that she’d never heard from him. It was silly and sweet and it made her stomach all warm and knotted. She felt loved, even just by that small display of emotion.

 

“Well excuse me for havin’ a fuckin’ heart,” she huffed.

 

He chuckled again.

 

“You sound like your unc-” he paused, but didn’t completely correct himself. “You sound like Tommy.”

 

Uncle. It was such a foreign concept to her. So distant. Uncles. Aunts. Cousins. But the fact that he was now starting to include her in his list of family made her wonder what she was to him. And what he was to her.

 

“Well Tommy is right,” she said.

 

He shrugged.

 

“Sarah gets emotional about this movie too. I used to watch the earlier ones in this franchise with her when she was younger. She gets real emotional about Laura, but I can’t blame her. I guess their stories are kinda similar.”

 

Ellie’s eyes lit up and she turned to him with this childlike wonder she hadn’t allowed herself to have in a very long time.

 

“Woah, dude, do you have claws I don’t know about? Does she?”

 

“What? No.”

Ellie huffed at that and leaned back into the couch.

 

“I just think… I don’t know, it’s hard for her. She’s been through a lot,” he said, and seemed sort of like an instinctual response.

 

His eyes were focused a few feet away on nothing in particular. He seemed foggy in a way that was intriguing to her. She scooted a little closer, like an animal sniffing out whether someone was friend or foe.

 

“Like what?” she asked.

 

Joel turned to look at her, but his gaze was still far away.

 

“Hm?”

 

It took her a moment to organize her thoughts, but when she did she spoke with confidence and didn’t tread carefully.

 

“It’s just that… well at the doctor’s office when she refused treatment, she went on about her pain and how much she suffered. I know her sickness can’t be easy. I’ve seen her puke blood everywhere and she had that feeding tube when I first met her. I know she’s sick but she’s been better. I guess I just don’t understand what she was talking about.”

 

Her words didn’t seem to snap Joel out of whatever thoughts he was drowning in, but he answered. Even if it was on autopilot.

 

“There’s a lot that you haven’t seen, kiddo. Compared to her lowest points she’s pretty much in perfect condition.”

 

“Then why wouldn’t she want to stay that way? It doesn’t make any sense to me.”

 

“It wouldn’t unless you were there.”

 

At the end of his sentence he seemed to pull himself back into the present and she kept her gaze on him, confused and still trying to put the pieces together.

 

“There are things that she’s had to sit through-” the far off look returned and she finally understood what it was.

He was remembering. Not quite a flashback, but still reliving the moments. The worst ones.

 

She knew because she got the same look when she thought about Riley or her mom. Now even Sam and Tess.

 

“Those feeding tubes, the ones that go in her nose, they’re plastic. That’s four feet of plastic. When she first started having to use them she was ten years old. She was so little. We had to hold her down- I- had to hold her down because if she moved the wrong way they could poke a hole through her stomach. And she has such sensitive veins that they’d blow if they ran the IV at too high of a speed and she’d just-” he paused, and it was only then that she realized his eyes beginning to water.

 

It made her heart drop.

 

She’d seen him emotional around Sarah before, but never when she wasn’t around. He was such a hard core person. He refused to even be that way with Tess as far as she knew so she had no idea what to do in this situation.

 

“-she’d scream bloody murder and beg me to make the pain stop and I couldn’t. She’d beg me not to let them touch her and I had to. Can you imagine that? Being held down and in the worst pain you’ve ever felt and the one person that’s supposed to make it go away just sits there and watches?”

 

There was a moment of profound silence after that. Something so heavy lingered densely in the air. The truth. A truth so powerful it snatched ahold of all the air in Joel’s lungs and refused to give it back.

 

“Yes,” she said.

 

For the first time, when Joel looked at her, there was this deep seeded understanding. Like everything about her made sense. Things that should’ve made sense sooner. They would’ve if he paid more attention and it was just a reminder of how horrible he’d done at trying to take care of her. But now being a guardian wasn’t his only job. She wasn’t just some kid she was about to be his kid and he was starting to wonder how bad her past really was.

 

“If she’s avoiding treatment so she doesn’t have to feel like her body isn’t hers I understand,” she finally said.

 

It wasn’t final though. He could tell.

“But?” he questioned.

 

“But you have to do what it takes to keep her alive, Joel. You have to.”

 

He didn’t answer. Not verbally. He just nodded and the two sat there staring at the blank tv screen. For a brief moment in time, they understood each other. Ellie understood why Joel was the way he was. Closed off. Self torturing. Loathing. He hated himself because he was complicit in the erasure of Sarah’s autonomy. She understood that the decision to keep Sarah on treatment or not was so hard because he’d spent years hurting her in order to save her and he didn’t want to do that any more. But he had to, and he had to know that. Right? He couldn’t possibly think this was a fate worse than death. Then she thought about her own experiences and she wondered. Wasn’t it?

 

~

 

Joel couldn’t sleep that night. He tossed and turned and took half a Valium that he’d stashed away for a rainy day and even still, nothing could put out the wildfire of what ifs coursing through his mind.

If he let Sarah stop her treatments, she’d get sicker. What if it killed her? He couldn’t let that happen. But what if forcing her to keep being treated killed her just the same? Was she really alive if she was basically brain dead from all of the trauma? But how could he sacrifice the quantity of her life for quality? And vice versa.

 

Eventually it all got too overwhelming and he decided he needed to clear his head.

 

After peeking down the hall to make sure that Ellie was asleep and safe, he changed back into his day clothes and pulled on his jacket. It was starting to get cold outside, and considering that it had just rained he didn’t want to get sick.

 

Everywhere between the house and the cemetery was a blur. Truck engine. Trees. Wind. Radio static. The crunch of gravel under his feet as he carefully weaved through the headstones until he found hers.

 

In a way, all this shit started with her. She was the one that pushed for Ellie to stay. She was the one that encouraged him to talk to Sarah and acknowledge her feelings more. Not only did he owe her for the advice, but he needed to ask her what to do. She wouldn’t answer, but it didn’t matter. He could sit with what was left of her and imagine a world in which she did answer.

 

So that’s what he did.

 

On the way, he’d stopped at the gas station and bought a small bouquet of unimpressive flowers that looked just about as good as he felt. It was on par for them though. Mediocre gifts that don’t scratch the surface of how they feel about each other. Felt.

 

Joel brushed some dirt off of the stone and placed the flowers in the vase. Then he took a seat in the dirt and stared at the engraving for a while.

 

Theresa Anne Servopulous.

Maxim “Max” Carl Grant.

 

He hated that Max was buried with Steven’s last name and not hers. The kid may have been his blood, but he didn’t belong to him. Tess sat through every bit of pain and suffering that kid ever went through. It was why her and Joel met in the first place.

 

“Fuck you,” he finally said. “Fuck you for leaving me with Sarah and the kid. You didn’t even tell me goodbye.”

 

 He knew what she’d say.

 

You would’ve stopped me.

 

“You’re goddamn right I would’ve stopped you. What the hell was this even for? What did you accomplish by burying yourself right next to him?”

 

He was going to say it was selfish but then it occurred to him that if Sarah died he would go out exactly the same as Tess had. 

 

It made sense now. Why Ellie was pushing so hard for Sarah to move forward with the Salt Lake trial. It wasn’t just because she loved Sarah, though that was the main reason, it was because she knew that if Sarah died then so did he, and she wasn’t prepared to lose the rest of the only family she ever had.

 

He remembered something Tess said to him once.

 

Save who you can save.

 

He had to keep Sarah alive, but he also couldn’t let her waste away. He had to find an in between.

 

“Thank you,” he said.

 

And he meant it, because in the depths of his mind and the darkest, most hidden parts of his heart, she still existed. She was still guiding him.

 

“I love you. I never got to tell you that. I know you think love is stupid and I understand why. But I don’t. Not anymore. I know how to love people because I loved you first. You and Sarah. No matter how many years pass the house is always going to be a little emptier without you in it,” then he kissed his fingers and pressed them into the dirt.

 

One final gesture before he wiped his eyes and stood up. 

 

“Bye Tess, tell Max I said hey.”

 

And with that he was gone. Back to the truck in another tired blur. The same thing over again. Crunch of gravel. Rumble of engine. Trees. Wind. Deer. Screeching of tires. Hazard light. Twisted jagged metal. Blood.

Notes:

this one might've been a little rushed but that's because it't sort of a filler chapter. the big stuff happens in the next two so stay tuned. if you enjoyed this chapter, as always, feel free to drop a comment! y'all have had me giggling and kicking my feet recently lol.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of Savior Complex