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"Mika!" Her voice has grown hoarse from screaming her name over and over again, like its her desperate plea that might bring Mika back to them. Her eyes are painfully blurry from the countless tears she's shed since she saw her body barely clinging to life on that gurney. Her body sore from trying to fight back again Blue and Simone as they dragged her away from the tragic scene on Bailey's firm command.
Her soul, though? Jules Millin feels as though a piece of her soul has broken off and died.
She replays it back, over and over again - torturing herself with the thought that it's her fault. If only she had insisted that Mika sleep, if only she hadn't gotten Mika to help her with that patient, if only she hadn't given Mika the surgery, if only she stuck around to drive Mika and Chloe home.
If only she had kissed her, instead of taking that stupid raincheck - she gave Mika a raincheck on their kiss. She didn't take the moment to be bold and romantic and impulsive and brave, and now Jules may never get a chance to kiss Mika ever again.
The others don't understand.
They all love Mika - Jules will be the last person on the face of this earth to deny what the woman had meant to every single one of them - but nobody else has to sit there and rethink their last interaction with Mika. Simone doesn't have to wonder if she missed her one and only shot of happiness with the other woman, Blue doesn't have to live with the pain that maybe he could have prevented this, and Lucas... Lucas doesn't have to lay awake in the dark for the rest of his life wondering if Mika knew just how much he cared for her.
Mika knew how much Simone, Lucas and Blue loved her - she didn't have to doubt it for a second.
Mika didn't even know if they could be considered a thing; she hadn't even known if they could be considered an 'us'. It was the one relationship that kept Jules awake at night, trying to get the other girl off her mind, and Mika had been too nervous to even label them as anything.
Simone, Lucas and Blue had their finality - they were Mika's friends, roommates, family. Whether she lived or died, nothing would change that.
Jules had a raincheck and a list of regrets that she may never have a chance to resolve.
For the first few minutes, they're silent. Jules is almost grateful for the silence because there is a ringing in her head and she can't handle anything else making noise - and then she realizes that they're not silent. They are yelling and panicking and trying to keep it together, and Jules can't hear a single part of it past her screaming Mika's name in her head. That's why she runs.
She runs until she can't anymore and it's only then that she realizes she's charged herself right into a memory - Mika and her curled up on a gurney together while waiting on the Absite. She knows that Mika thinks she woke up first, but Jules knows it's not true. Jules woke up three times that morning, unable to pry herself away - lost in Mika already. If only Jules had been brave then, maybe Mika would know they had been an 'us'.
Jules lets out a scream, just so she can hear something. Her voice cracks and breaks, the scream turning into a sob that Jules doesn't know how to stop.
"Gummy bears or worms?" Simone's voice breaks through her sob, and Jules can't look up long enough to fix her with a glare that she's interrupting her with something so trivial as what candy to have. "You need something to eat Jules, come on, pick one."
"I can't do this right now." Jules says quietly, her arms crossing over her chest like she's trying to disappear into herself.
Simone stares at her. "Come upstairs, we should all be together." She urges, trying to convince Jules.
"Actually I came down here to be alone."
"We are all her friend, Jules."
"I know that!"
"Then why are you acting like you're going through this alone? Like you're the only one who cares about her!"
It's the final rock that breaks the dam of Jules' emotions.
"Because at least she knows what she means to you!"
Jules lets it all out in a shout that's thunderously loud. The look on Simone's face has Jules backing down and crawling back onto the gurney, withdrawing into herself and letting out another sob that wracks her entire body, chest heaving.
"You and Yasuda..." Simone says quietly as she looks at Jules with a soft glance. "You two were together?"
Jules shrugs her shoulders, the tears still flowing as the shrug turns into a nod. "Yes... No... We - we kissed, and flirted with each other, we were starting to be something - and then Chloe got sick, and Mika got overwhelmed, and she needed a friend more than she needed a girlfriend."
Simone lets out something that is halfway between a sigh and a sob. "But you wanted to be more than just her friend."
Jules nods her head.
"For how long?"
"Months." Jules admits. "When she looks at me, it's like everything in the world gets a little bit brighter - it all makes more sense. I didn't even get a chance to tell her that when she kisses me, I feel unstoppable... She knows what she means to you, to Blue, to Lucas - but she has no idea what she means to me. Not really. Not completely."
Simone reaches out and places a hand on Jules' knee, her eyes sympathetic. "She's tough, she's going to fight, she's going to pull through so that you can tell her exactly what she means to you." Simone promises and for a second, Jules may actually believe her.
"What if she doesn't?" Hesitancy wins.
"We won't let you fall Jules, we won't let you slip under the water - we are all in this together, and nobody gets left behind to mourn alone."
It's not enough to keep Jules heart from shattering, but it keeps her upright for another moment - long enough to get brought back to be with the others, long enough to get the news that Mika isn't dead - that she is stable enough for the night. Simone, Blue and Lucas celebrate the small win, Jules can feel her wounded heart start to beat again, if only slightly.
The next few days are crucial, Mika is taken back to surgery and the entire time she's under Jules waits for the rug to be pulled out from under her feet; Blue and Lucas give her a little more space to deal with the news on her own, and she's grateful to Simone for whatever she's said to them.
Mika survives surgery - and Jules can start to feel her heart beat again.
Mika stabilizes - and Jules can breathe without feeling like she's got lungs full of glass.
They spend the next few days while Mika is in a medical coma taking turns watching over her; and by taking turns, it means that more than one of them is with Mika at a time, sometimes all four of them are at her bedside. It doesn't give Jules a chance to speak to Mika, to beg for a second chance, to implore that the woman wake up again so that Jules can make it very, very clear to her that they are an "us."
In the moments that it's just Simone and Jules, she can actually muster up the courage to speak to Mika; but it's never about them. Some conversations are meant to be private, and despite Simone offering to give them a moment, Jules cannot bring herself to say these things. Not out loud. If she says them, then maybe whatever divine entity that is keeping Mika around will decide that it's enough, that Jules has redeemed herself enough that it can take Mika.
Jules won't let her regrets be their final words together.
Mika goes off the ventilator - and Jules finally stops hearing the ringing in her ears.
Mika wakes up - and Jules cries.
It's Bailey who is alone with Mika the first moment that she opens her eyes, the older woman is the one that delivers the news about Chloe, and holds Mika as she cries out that it never should have been her sister. Jules is almost grateful for that, that she had been forcibly sent home after her fourth day sleeping in the chair by Mika's bed.
She's not sure if they would have recovered from that - or if they still will recover.
By the time Jules and the other interns hear about Mika waking up, she's gone silent and nothing that they can do, nothing of their antics will keep her from being a hollowed out shell of the Mika they know and love. Day in and day out, Jules sits in the chair beside Mika, fingers wrapped around the other woman's wrist (the only one that Mika will let hold her hand) and watches the light dim in Mika's eyes.
The first time that they're alone together, Jules can't keep things to herself anymore. It's time. Mika has lost what feels like everything to her, and Jules? Jules nearly lost what is everything to her. She'll be damned if she has one more 'if only' to add to her bingo card.
"We are an 'us'." She says softly, her voice low and for a second she wonders if Mika even heard her - but then Mika is looking up at her with a strange look in her eye that Jules can't quite read. "I know right now you probably aren't okay with being an us... and that's okay. I'm going to wait as long as you need, Mika, because you filled me up as well. I need you in my life, and I can't keep that hidden anymore."
Mika's eyes never leave Jules face.
"I am in love with you, and it's stupid and crazy to say, but I've never met anyone like you - you make my world brighter."
A tear rolls down Mika's cheek.
"So I know that right now you are devastated, and the world feels like it's over - but we are an us, and I'm not going anywhere."
Mika lets out a small sob and Jules can't help but drain of colour. It was too much, she went too hard with it, she's been overwhelmed for nearly a week and a half now with the thought of losing Mika that she's gone too far and any chance she has of making this work is gon-
"Can I... Can I kiss you now, please?" Comes Mika's soft voice. The first words she's spoken in the four days since she found out her sister is dead, and it's to ask Jules Millin if they can finally have that rain check. Jules heart aches as she sees the tears rolling down Mika's cheeks and she obliges immediately.
Through the kiss, Mika smiles - and Jules realizes that it's going to be okay.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but as long as she has Mika and Mika has her, it'll be okay someday.