Chapter Text
Luke came to stand just a foot or two next to Joe, leaned against the weathered wall of the building they were hiding behind, fished a pre-rolled cigarette out of his breast pocket and lit it. His posture seemed relaxed on first glance, but Joe could see that something was amiss in the way Luke handled the cigarette with a certain automatism that betrayed his state of mind. Quietly, Joe watched him from the side, wondering what was troubling him, but did not step closer or enquire. Even with everything going on between them, he wouldn’t dare, especially when there were people around who could see them.
Upon the first drag, Luke set his jaw with determination, but he did not look at Joe when he finally spoke. “Y’know, you can just say it if you don’t feel like it.”
“Whatcha mean?”, Joe asked. He had no idea what the cowboy was talking about. This was obviously a very private matter, otherwise Luke would have mentioned it with Joe’s brothers around. Was there something about their relationship that he wanted to discuss? Not that they ever really talked about what was between them ever since they’d first crashed together with the force of decade old longing and desire.
Luke puffed out a cloud of smoke and looked down at his boots. “If you don’t wanna fuck, you can just say it.” His words were a bit mumbled like he’d rather not talk about it, but there was an accusatory undertone in his voice as if he were hurt.
“How’d you get that idea?”, Joe wanted to know. He had never done anything to give the impression that he didn’t want to fuck! Quite the opposite, just last Wednesday, after the bank robbery gone wrong, he had bent Luke over the sheriff’s table and fucked his brains out.
“You never seem… in the mood, when I try to initiate anything”, Luke answered haltingly. It was obvious that he was not used to talking about such things and was having trouble expressing himself. Joe kept quiet. Was that true? He had never noticed.
“Not really”, he answered therefore. That earned him a side glance from Luke, irritated, but not yet angry.
“Alright”, Luke said and turned to him with his full body, leaning against the wall with only one shoulder as he started counting off on his fingers, “We’ve been together for almost a year and I get it, you’re not big on great gestures or anything, but you never even let me… touch you. You never want me to give you a hand or… suck you off, and yesterday you punched me in the face because I kissed you-”
“You rolled yourself on top of me!”, Joe protested immediately, “I thought we were still brawling, so my reflexes kicked in, what do you want me to do about it, huh?!”
For a short moment, Luke pressed his lips into a thin line and his eyes went hard, telling Joe very clearly that an apology was the thing he should be doing about it, but that was not a thing that was going to happen any time soon and they both knew it. But then the moment passed and Luke continued, “you always take me, not the other way round, and when you do, you never even-”
Again Joe interrupted. “Oh, that’s what you’re giving me shit for now? Seriously?! Fuck you!”
“I ain’t giving you shit, I’m stating the facts”, Luke answered, but it did nothing to calm down Joe. This asshole seriously just pulled that card?! As if Joe didn’t know himself what kind of a failure he was. A real man would be able to cum while fucking, but he didn’t. He was already half a man in height, he was also less than a man in these matters… “It begs the question if you even want me, you know.”
The words were spoken in a low voice, but still hit as hard as a punch to the guts. Joe swallowed thickly. Of course he wanted Luke, he was the hottest man out there, making Joe’s heartrate skyrocket and his knees go weak every time he so much as saw his shadow on the wall.
“Well, I do want you.” And yet, saying it felt like admitting defeat. His guts were churning and his heart picked up speed as adrenaline rushed through him suddenly. He had to get out of here, somewhere else, somewhere safe. With his head bowed and avoiding eye contact, Joe pressed past Luke and made his way back around the building, ignoring his cowboy calling after him.
Dinner was an awkward affair, Luke and Joe refusing to exchange so much as a single word with each other and the other three brothers feeling the bad mood press down on them as well. Even Averell kept uncharacteristically quiet, only asking Luke how he was faring.
“I’m alright, thanks”, the cowboy answered him, but his gaze lingered heavily on Joe for a moment too long for the others to believe him. Jack and William exchanged meaningful glances. They had been waiting for Joe to blow up ever since day one of this strange arrangement of theirs and now silently wondered what had transpired to make Luke look so miserable and Joe so angry.
That night, Luke bunked with Jack, leaving Joe alone in his bed. The conversation from earlier was playing on repeat in his mind, making his heart heavy and the ugly feeling in his guts worsen.
He clearly remembered the moment he had punched Luke. They had met on a field far enough out of town that no one would see them, had played their usual game before cutting the crap and tackling each other to the ground. Joe liked the brawling, liked giving Luke as good as he got, liked showing him that he was a force to be reckoned with, no matter his size.
Sitting astride Luke’s torso, feeling his heat and the rise and fall of his chest, the strong hands gripping his shirt and arms, forcing Joe to give just the tiniest bit of ground, it was amazing. Joe loved it, found Luke’s red, but smiling face enticing, and the fingers inching down to his waist and belt exciting. It was him, who initiated the first kiss and the second and third until everything bled together and it was hard to tell who initiated what, their hands roaming desperately as they kissed like they’d be choking to death otherwise. But then, Luke bucked up, grabbed him by the shoulders and rolled over, pressing Joe into the grass and coming to rest right atop of him. Something within Joe had reacted in that moment, switching from kissing to attack within a split second and panic flooding all of his senses with the weight lying on top of him, holding him down and depriving him of movement. The next thing he could remember was standing on his feet with his hands balled to fists and blood rushing in his ears loudly as Luke sat in the grass in front of him with a split lip and a shocked expression upon his face.
Joe knew that his excuse from earlier was a lie, there was no way he could have misunderstood and thought that they were still brawling, but the other explanation was something he didn’t even want to think about.
***
It took Luke and Joe about two weeks of ignoring each other before they finally cracked and met in a back alley behind the local church. They crashed together like ocean waves, primal need making them throw almost all caution to the wind as they groped at each other, ripped at the obstructive clothing and moaned against each other’s lips.
“Joe!”, Luke gasped and kissed along Joe’s jaw, sinking to his knees in front of him and grabbing for his belt. Joe nodded breathlessly, helping along with shaking fingers.
God, Luke was so incredibly hot with his dark curl, his curved nose and his gleaming eyes as he knelt in front of Joe and mouthed him through his long johns for a short moment before they were moved out of the way as well and he could finally wrap his lips around Joe’s dick.
Joe’s knees almost buckled under him and a breath escaped him, but he quickly slapped a hand over his mouth as not to let any more sounds slip past his lips. The townsfolk didn’t need to know that they were having an intimate moment here – at least that was the reason Joe tried to give himself. He knew it was bullshit, could feel the uncomfortable pull in his abdomen at the thought that he would have done the same thing if he were entirely sure that there was nobody there to hear him but his cowboy.
That was when Luke reached up and pulled Joe’s hand off his mouth, making the sounds spill from his lips unhindered – and suddenly it all felt wrong. The tongue gliding along the underside of his dick felt too hot on the sensitive skin, smouldering him, the mouth wrapping around him was painful, the hand on his thigh uncomfortably possessive and the mischief in Luke’s eyes suddenly seemed malicious.
With another gasp, Joe grabbed for Luke’s hair blindly and pulled him off forcefully, barely hearing the sound of both protest and pain or noticing the dark look he earned in return. It was all too much and what had felt amazing moments ago was hurting now, making coldness settle in Joe’s stomach and adrenaline rush through his veins. He couldn’t stay here, he had to leave, right now! The hand on his skin was unbearable and he pushed it away, stuffing his rapidly waning erection back into his pants and rebuttoning them with clammy hands before pushing off the wall he had leaned against.
But before he had a chance to get away, he was grabbed and forcefully pushed back against the weathered wood.
“You’re not getting to bail on me this time!”, Luke hissed, but let off a bit when he saw the look in Joe’s wide eyes. “What’s going on with you?”
Joe swallowed thickly. “I don’t know”, he answered, his voice rough. He didn’t know what else to answer even though it felt like a cheap excuse. They just stood there facing each other for a few silent moments, Luke angry and with a flushed face still, and Joe with shame starting to settle in his stomach. This was Lucky Luke, he shouldn’t be reacting like this when being touched by him, shouldn’t feel like he had to claw himself out of quicksand all of a sudden just because Luke had his own ideas and wasn’t pliant under him.
Because that’s how Joe liked it. Luke on his back with his legs spread wide open, tied up and taking whatever Joe was giving him, moaning and shivering uncontrollably whenever Joe willed him so. Of course Joe already had the sneaking suspicion that this type of control was more of a necessity to him than a mere preference. Why else would he be reacting so negatively whenever Luke tried to take over? But to see such undeniable truth…
“I don’t believe you”, Luke said after a while, more calmly than before. “I know you said you want me, but you’re sure not acting like it.”
Joe clenched his jaws until he could hear his teeth grind together and did not meet Luke’s gaze.
The cowboy nodded, giving a short, depreciative snort. “So it’s something I’m doing wrong, huh?”
“No”, Joe answered.
“Then what is it?! I’m neither blind nor stupid, y’know, I can see that there’s something going on in your head.”
Joe lowered his gaze to stare at the tips of his boots, feeling the shame and the humiliation of his realization eat away at his guts. He really was a pathetic excuse of a man.
“Just let it be for now”, he mumbled, crossing his arms over his chest defensively.
Luke sighed deeply, rubbed a hand over his face and fished his tobacco bag out of his breast pocket. Silence engulfed them as the cowboy rolled a cigarette and lit it.
“Then how long do you still want me to wait for you to come around?”, he finally asked, leaning heavily against the wall right next to Joe. He gazed up at the sky, but Joe thought he could detect sadness within him. “It’s been a year, Joe!”
“What do you want me to do about it?! Court you real nice n proper like William or follow you like a dog like Averell, huh?!”, Joe growled back.
Luke blew out a cloud of cigarette smoke and threw Joe a sharp look. “You’re not getting to make me play favourites!”
“Oh, but it sure feels like it!” All the adrenaline, stress and shame from moments before started melting into a large puddle of anger, making Joe almost forget to keep his voice down as he hissed at Luke. “This is how I am and I’m obviously not enough for you!”
“That’s not-!”, the cowboy started, but interrupted himself “You know what? Fuck it. Fuck you. I’m done.”
With that, he threw his cigarette to the ground forcefully, turned and disappeared into the darkness. Joe stared after him, dumbfounded and a sense of dread crawling upon him. Did Luke really just leave him? Swallowing thickly, he stomped out the cigarette and headed off in the other direction.