a christmas call

by marsinthewoods

Summary:

martha gets a visitor in her nyc apartment for christmas :)

Notes:

disorganized oneshot for christmas that i thought was going to be different. i added lot of details that didn't need to be in there. and i was deliriously falling asleep from nyquil while writing this so I'm sorry if the plot/writing is wack. thank you for reading!!! <3

Martha quickly pulls her gloves and coat on as she steps out from the office and into the cold air. She marvels at how dark it was at only five o’clock. It’s funny how the short winter days surprise her every year, despite knowing they’re coming. There’s something so interesting to her about arriving at her secretary job in the early morning, filing papers and answering the phone all day, and then stepping out into the darkening streets of New York City. It always gives her the sensation of time travelling, but instead of feeling more certain about the future, she ends up feeling as though she’s losing more and more time. As if she’s watching her life pass before her eyes.

 

She walks down the street, watching people walk down the street with bags of gifts in their hands. Christmas time hasn’t really felt like it used to, ever since their reputations were ruined. She isn’t sure how to get that feeling of Christmas cheer back, and she fears that it will never return. 

 

She walks quickly, clutching her coat shut as the frigid wind slips through the fabric. She thinks to herself that she should finally purchase a new coat, but she can’t bear to part with this one. With its worn elbows and threadbare sections, it reminds her of a past that she can’t go back to. A reality so far detached from this one that she sometimes wonders if it had really happened at all.

 

It was one of the only items she bought for herself throughout her time as co-headmistress with Karen. With how tight money was back then, she intended to make the coat last, and she had succeeded. When a hole did appear, all she had to do was ask Karen to mend it for her. Karen always said yes, and would let Martha watch her work. Karen was always so amused that Martha enjoyed watching her do something as mundane as stitch up a hole.

 

Four years ago –

“You know, I can teach you to mend these holes yourself. That way you won’t have to go through the trouble of waiting for me to do it,” Karen said with an amused smile, feeling Martha’s eyes on her as she threaded the needle back and forth.

 

“That’s alright, I much prefer watching you do it,” Martha said softly as she got lost in watching Karen’s meticulous fingers,”Unless it’s too much of a chore? I wouldn’t want to bother you,” she added, suddenly feeling embarrassed. She never wanted to put unnecessary burdens on Karen. 

 

“No, not at all. I enjoy doing it for you,” Karen responded quickly, reaching over and rubbing Martha’s hand comfortingly. 

 

Martha smiled softly at the brunette, her heart fluttering as Karen touched her hand.

 

“As long as you do the cooking, I’ll do all the mending you could ever want,” Karen added with a smirk.

 

“It’s a deal,” Martha replied with a soft chuckle.

 

Martha snaps out of the memory as she runs her thumb against a particularly large section of mending that Karen once did for her. She sighs, her breath clouding in front of her as she walks. She tries not to think about Karen too often, she truly does, but she has more or less given up. She knows she’ll always love Karen, and even worse, she knows she will simply have to live with it. 

 

After the trial, they lost everything, but that didn’t deter Joe from trying to fix it. Joe and Karen got married just as the summer started, and they made fast plans of getting out of town. Martha had moved away with Joe and Karen as they had planned, even though it didn’t feel right. They moved to another small town that was far enough from Lancet that they wouldn’t run into anyone they knew. Joe started his position at the hospital, and Karen began the search for a teaching position. 

 

Karen told Martha about different schools that she would be visiting to ask about interviewing, and everytime she asked her to apply with her, Martha felt a shooting sting of guilt in her chest. She couldn’t understand how Karen could even consider working in a school with her again. After everything that she had confessed to Karen, she didn’t understand how she could still want her around. She felt dirty and deceitful and wrong. She was terrified of ruining things for Karen again, and she couldn’t let that happen. She just couldn’t.

 

One evening, she sat in her room in the small house they had moved into together, the three of them. She listened to the soft chatter of Karen and Joe down the hall, to her own rapidly beating heart, and she made a decision that felt like the best she could do at the time. She couldn’t bear being such a burden on Karen, and she couldn’t stand seeing her with him. But at the same time she couldn’t blame Joe. Karen was everything to her, and always will be, and she understood why he was so in love with her. She thought often about how lucky he was. How lucky he was to be a man. She thought to herself that she would give anything to be a man just so she could be with Karen. 

 

It wasn’t just the feeling of judgement that made Martha want such a thing, but it was a desperate wish for her to be something Karen could love. She knew it was unfair to wish such a thing when Karen had been nothing but a wonderful friend to her, but she couldn’t help wishing for a world where Karen was the same as her. All these thoughts made Martha’s skin crawl with guilt and grief and everything in between. Everything was simmering under the surface and slowly driving her mad. 

 

That night, she packed her bags and left. Karen begged her to stay but Martha had made up her mind. She couldn’t stay in that house another second, and her love for Karen had become so severe that there was nothing else she could do but force her out of her life. Her love for the brunette had become something different, it was no longer a lingering feeling in the back of her mind but it was something spoken and tangible and real.

 

Soon after leaving, Martha settled into a small third story apartment in NYC. The windowsill was full of mold, it was small, and she worried about herself having access to a balcony, but she didn’t have the money for something better quite yet, having been out of work for so long. After moving in and catching her breath, she scrambled to find a job, anything to make enough for her rent and also to keep her mind occupied. 

 

To her surprise, it was easier to get a job than she thought it would be. During the interview for a secretary position, she was asked about her previous employment. She knew that most people had forgotten about their court case with Mrs. Tilford, but she didn’t have confidence in the possibility that people had forgotten the names of the school teachers accused of being lovers, whose names were plastered across newspapers everywhere in the country. Therefore, she thought it wise to fib about her previous employment. She told the interviewer that she had worked in a school in northern Connecticut after college. She was so well spoken that he didn’t find a need to question her statement, or ask for a specific school name.

 

Four years later, Martha worked enough that she could finally afford a nicer apartment. When she gets home from walking through the chilly December air, she hangs her coat and scarf up at the entrance. She places her keys on a metal hook next to the door frame, and she breathes a sigh as she enters her very own space. She shivers and quickly turns the radiator on, waiting for it to heat up as she takes her gloves off and rubs her eyes. She is quite tired from a day of calls and paperwork and speaking to her boss. 

 

Once the radiator starts heating up the apartment, Martha walks through and into her kitchen. She decides to make soup, since it’s such a cold night, and she wants to have a cozy meal to accompany her as she curls up on the couch to read. She pulls out some vegetables from her refrigerator, and begins to chop them up into small pieces, scooping them up in piles to dump them into a pot. Before long the vegetables are all chopped and she starts pouring in stock and various spices. She loves cooking because it allows her to slow down for a moment. It gives her a breather and a way to feel grounded. She doesn’t cook as much as she used to, now that she’s only cooking for one, but when she does it brings her a lot of enjoyment.

 

The pot is now simmering as she places the dirty cutting board in the sink, and just as she turns the sink off the phone begins to ring. Martha sighs as her cooking time is disrupted, and she assumes that it is one of her friends. She’s told them that she doesn’t like phone calls but of course that means they all love to call her anyways because they know it annoys her.

 

Martha quickly crosses the room and wipes her hands on her apron before picking up the phone and pressing it to her ear.

 

“Hello?” she grumbles as she holds the phone with her shoulder, and reties her slipping apron.

 

“Hello,” a voice says on the other line. It’s brief and soft and Martha recognizes it immediately.

 

She stands frozen, clinging to the phone as her heart pounds in her ears. The simple hello puts her in a trance and for a moment she forgets everything but the person on the other line. 

 

“Karen?” she says softly, just say saying her name out loud gives her heart a jolt.

 

Unfortunately she also forgot about her simmering soup and her eyes dart back to the kitchen in horror as she sees the soup boil over and onto the stove. 

 

“Goddamnit!” she exclaims as she rushes over to the stove and turns it off, laying a dish towel down where the liquid was dripping from. She then rushes back to the phone just in time to hear Karen speak again.

 

“Martha? Is everything alright?” she asks, a bit of concern lacing her words.

 

“Yes, I’m just fine. I’m taking after you and nearly burning the kitchen down,” Martha teases, instantly regretting it. They haven't spoken in over two years, so she isn’t sure why she thought this is a time for jokes.

 

Karen lets out a laugh at Martha’s words and the sound makes Martha smile. She had missed the sound of her laugh so very much, and her heart hurts with happiness.

 

Back when Martha first moved, she had given Karen her address and phone number when she left, not expecting Karen to call and silently hoping she wouldn’t. She knew hearing from her would make it even harder to stop thinking about her. Karen would call every now and then, usually around holidays, but she eventually stopped two years ago. Martha assumed it was because Karen was finally moving on, and didn’t want to hear from her. 

 

“It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed like that. I’ve missed you, Martha,” Karen says, nervousness tinging her words.

 

Martha lets out a breathy sigh, those words giving her way too much hope.

“I’ve missed you too, Karen,” she admits, sitting down in the chair next to the phone as her knees feel a bit weak, hearing Karen tell her she misses her.

 

A beat of silence goes by before Karen speaks again, “I want to- I mean if you would like me to, I’d love to visit you,” Karen stammers. Her nervousness surprises Martha, and her request to visit sends warmth into her chest and stomach. The thought of seeing Karen after all this time is hard to process.

 

“I would like that very much,” Martha says softly, almost whispering as if she is scared for someone to hear, “When shall I expect you?”

 

“Well, I’d hate to impose myself, but I was wondering if I could come the week of the 20th,” Karen says.

 

“Won’t you be spending Christmas with Joe?” Martha asks confusedly. 

 

“Joe and I are parting ways,” Karen admits, and Martha is shocked that she didn’t open with this information.

 

“Oh, I’m so sorry Karen,” she replies, feeling guilty for how her heart jumped at the knowledge that Karen was no longer with Joe. 

 

“It’s okay, truly. And it’ll be even better now that I’m going to be visiting my best friend,” Karen says with excitement.

 

Martha can’t help but grin, knowing that Karen still considers her her best friend. So much time has passed and yet things feel so right getting to talk to her again. And thinking about Karen being here, in her apartment, makes her head swell with thoughts and excitement. 

 

…

 

The rest of the week and a half goes by slowly as Martha anticipates Karen’s arrival. She’s simultaneously terrified and excited to see her. She cleaned her entire apartment in preparation, even though it was already quite clean. Her nerves were getting the best of her, and with all the Christmas festivities around the city, she was finally allowing herself to enjoy it now that she wouldn’t be alone on Christmas. 

 

She had gone to friends houses for Christmas day, oftentimes not staying very long, but always spent Christmas Eve alone. She preferred it that way, but a part of her always longed to have someone to be with her on those cold winter nights. She longed for those nights with Karen when they had an apartment together in college. They’d drink cider and have so much fun. She misses those days so dearly. And what’s most terrifying to her is the possibility of all the years, and everything that happened with the school, preventing them from having that bond again. 

 

She drives to the airport and is surprised at the lack of traffic. She thinks that the real Christmas traffic will be coming in a couple days, so the timing of Karen’s flight is perfect.

 

After parking, she makes her way to the correct terminal and waits impatiently as the minutes pass. She presses her back against one of the chairs as she glances around the airport. She bides her time by observing all the frantic people rushing to get where they need to go. 

 

After some time, she starts to see people filtering out of the terminal with armfuls of luggage. She moves her head back and forth, looking for a familiar face. Towards the end of the crowd, she spots a pair of dark eyes peering at her. 

 

Karen emerges from the crowd, carrying a small duffle and a large smile. SHe rushes forward and Martha stands up from her seat. Their eyes meet and it almost feels as though something cosmic has brought them together again. It feels right and good, and eventually the space between them closes completely.

 

Karen wraps her arms around Martha and holds her close. Martha breathes in deeply as she clings to Karen, the scent of her perfume bringing back so many memories and feelings. The feeling of Karen’s embrace causes tears to prick her eyes and she doesn’t mind that her cheeks are now tear-stained.

 

Karen pulls away after a long time and holds Martha’s cheeks in her hands. Both teary eyed and smiling ear to ear, they laugh. Martha holds knot Karen’s arms and feels such a relief.

 

“It’s so good to see you,” Karen says finally. 

 

Martha grins through her tears and grips Karen’s arm. She marvels at how lovely the woman looks, and how surreal it felt to see her again. She looked just the same except she wore her hair down and her clothing was beautiful, the opposite of their lackluster clothing they once wore as they taught together. She then comes to and remembers where they are. She feels a sudden pang of shame in being so affectionate with Karen, especially in public. God forbid someone were to recognize them and the rumors were to start again.

 

She pulls away from Karen gently, clearing her throat and wiping her tears. Karen notices her change in demeanor and it makes her heart ache.

 

“Come on, I’m sure you’re exhausted,” Martha says as she picks up Karen’s bag for her. Karen smiles and they walk through the airport to get the rest of Karen’s luggage, and to Martha’s car.

 

…

After arriving at Martha’s apartment, she unlocks her door and lets Karen inside. She smiles as she watches Karen look around her apartment, admiring all her belongings. Martha doesn’t bring many people here, but she loves having Karen here. She wants to show Karen everything she has, and tell her all the things she’s been doing. She wants her to know everything.

 

“Your apartment is beautiful, Martha,” Karen gasps as she sits on Martha’s couch with it’s comfortable pillows.

 

“Thank you,” Martha smiles and looks around. She really had worked hard to have a space of her own like this. And for the first time she feels proud of herself.

 

“Come and sit and tell me everything you’ve been up to!” Karen says excitedly. 

 

Martha giggles at Karen’s excitement, “Well there’s not much to tell really,” she says as she sits next to her friend.

 

“What do you do for work?” Karen asks curiously.

 

“I’m a secretary in a business office. It’s boring but it pays decently,” Martha explains.

 

“And what about socially?” Karen asks with a soft smile, wanting to know what occupies Martha’s time outside of work. 

 

“I have a nice group of friends that I made a couple years ago. They’re a colorful group,” Martha says, avoiding too much information so she wouldn’t have to explain that she met them at a local lesbian bar. 

 

Karen is happy to hear that Martha has found friends here. She was so worried that she had been as lonely as she had been. 

 

“What about you? You look so lovely, I’m sure you’ve been up to all sorts of things,” Martha says, wanting to hear more about why Karen is no longer with Joe.

 

“I’ve been teaching again,” Karen responds with a smile, a genuinely happy smile. Martha can tell how happy she is to be teaching again, to be interacting with children without fear.

 

“Oh that’s wonderful Karen.”

 

Karen nods with a deep breath, and for a moment, as their eyes meet each other, Martha detects something. She isn’t quite sure what it is but it feels different. Something lies beneath the surface and she’s terrified to acknowledge it.

 

“So, do you have lots of Christmas plans?” Karen asks, changing the subject and deflecting from the moment they just shared.

 

“Not at all,” Martha chuckles, “If you remember, I’m not the social butterfly that you are.”

 

Karen smiles and nods amusedly, because she does remember. How could she forget a single thing about her dearest friend,  Martha Dobie.

 

“My friend Denny is having a Christmas party in a couple days. I told her I’d be busy but if you’d like to go, I wouldn’t be opposed,” Martha says with a slight smile. Something about seeing Karen again has her feeling more inclined to socialize.

 

“I would like that very much,” Karen says softly with a slight smirk. 

 

Her smirk gives Martha butterflies and she tries to ignore how much she loves her still. She knows she’ll never stop loving her, but she’s struggling to keep her mind away from her love when Karen is so lovely.

 

Martha’s nerves come back all at once when she realizes she has to explain the party dynamic to Karen, “However, I must warn you that the party is-” she trails off.

 

“The party is what?” Karen asks, her brow furrowing slightly as Martha seems nervous.

 

“The party, my friends who will be there, are the same as me. Women loving other women,” Martha finally gets it out, the first time she has acknowledged her attraction to women, to Karen, since she first confessed nearly five years ago.

 

“Oh, Martha. You don’t have to be scared to talk about it, I promise. I wouldn’t have come here if I had an issue with it,” Karen assures Martha, putting her hand on her shoulder comfortingly.

 

Martha nearly cries at how lovely Karen is, and how she has never made her feel poorly about her confession. She wishes she could not care about it so much, and not continue to carry so much shame over it.

…

They spend the next couple days walking around the city. Martha shows Karen all the places she frequents: her favorite cafe, the public library she uses, and the street of shops that sell the kind of clothes that Karen likes.

 

After a long day of shopping and walking, they return to the apartment. They enter laughing about something one of the shopkeepers said to them, and throw their bags onto

the kitchen table.

 

Martha shivers as she takes her shoes off and runs down the hall. 

 

“It’s far too cold today, I’m making a fire,” she says as she kneels by the fireplace. 

 

“Oh that’s a wonderful idea,” Karen says as she sits on the couch and watches. 

 

Martha sheds her coat before picking up a couple logs of wood from a box against the wall. She tosses them into the fireplace, along with some newspaper before grabbing a matchbox off the mantle. She lights on and holds it under the logs until they start to catch. The firelight dances on her face as she watches the flame spread.

 

She looks to her right and sees Karen watching her make the fire. Her eyes are soft and her chest is rising and falling rather quickly. Something within her gaze makes Martha blush, and her brain won’t quite let her entertain her thoughts about the possible reasons why Karen is acting so odd.

 

“What would you say to baking some cookies?” Martha asks, brewing the silence.

 

“I would say absolutely,” Karen replies with a sweet smile.

 

…

 

After the task of mixing up some cookie dough, Martha and Karen stand side by side in the kitchen, rolling out sheets of cookie dough and pressing it into shapes using cookie cutters. 

 

“All of your cookies look perfect, why are mine so pathetic,” Karen asks with a chuckle. 

 

“Well you’re perfect in every way, god had to give you one weakness,” Martha says with a smile as she bumps Karen with her hip. 

 

“You flatter me too much,” Karen says with a playful roll of her eyes, “Come on, show me how you do it.”

 

Martha concedes and turns to show Karen how she forms the cookies into perfect shapes, “Here, you go like this,” she says with a laugh as she moves Karen’s hands to form the dough correctly. 

 

Karen looks up at her face as she touches her hands. They pause for a moment, Martha realizing how close they are. The air is thick with tension as they stare into each other's eyes, neither of them moving a muscle. 

 

Suddenly, Karen blinks and looks at Martha’s nose. She reaches up and smooths it with her thumb gently. Trying t not to make it obvious that she was staring at Martha’s lips.

 

“You had some flour on your nose,” Karen says softly, with her doe eyes trained on Martha’s face.

 

“Thank you,” Martha replies quietly, her heart feeling as though it stopped. Karen’s small acts of intimacy are driving her crazy and she hates that she can’t stop dissecting them, wondering if they mean anything.

 

They both shake off the moment and go back to their respective piles of cookie dough. They work silently for a bit, finding comfort in the silence rather than dwelling on dissecting the moment too much.

 

“You know, if Joe had asked me to bake cookies I would have hated every minute of it. But tonight,. I’ve actually enjoyed it,” Karen says with a chuckle, “I think I’m realizing that I wasn’t happy because I couldn’t stand it anymore. I need a partnership, not a marriage where I’m expected to be the homemaker.”

 

Martha listens quietly, even though her heart is pounding. It pleases her greatly that Karen feels so comfortable and happy here with her. Even if she’s reading too much into what she says and does, she is glad that at least she knows she’s a good friend to her. 

 

…

 

The next night, Christmas Eve, Martha and Karen get ready to go to Denny’s party. Martha comes out of her room and sees Karen sitting on the couch, already ready.

 

She’s wearing a wine red dress with beautiful accents on the collar and bottom of the dress. It fits Karen so well and it takes her breath away when she sees it. 

 

Karen looks up and smiles as she sees Martha, wearing a dress that she had bought while they were out shopping. Karen thinks back to how it looked on the mannequin at the shop. She marvels at how it was a simple dress back then, but now that it’s on Martha she thinks it very well may be the most beautiful dress she’s ever seen.

 

“You look beautiful,” Martha says softly, not really meaning to say it out loud. 

 

Karen stifles the grin that she feels coming on, and her cheeks redden ever so slightly, “Oh this old thing? Look at you! I must say, New York agrees with you Miss Dobie,” Karen remarks as she glances over Martha’s figure in the dress she’s wearing.

 

It’s Martha’s turn to blush now, and she can’t help but feel very pleased that Karen thinks she looks good. A compliment from Karen is worth its weight in gold to Martha.

 

They take Martha’s car to Denny’s house, and listen to Christmas music coming through the radio. Martha taps her fingers along to the music on the steering wheel, and Karen watches the city through the car window. 

 

When they arrive, Martha parks on the street down the way from the party, which is in a large home in a less urban neighborhood. There are trees lining the street, and they can hear the gentle hum of music coming from inside as they approach the door.

 

Upon entering, they are met with the sound of chatter mixed with laughter and music bumbling out of a record player in the corner. 

 

Karen glances around and sees women of all types socializing. Some look like her, with pretty dresses and their hair done just right, and others she mistook for men at first. They wore collared shirts and had their hair cut and styled like men. She had never been around women like this before and she was immediately in awe. Her heart soared for Martha, being free to go to social engagements like this all the time. How things had changed since they left Lancet.

 

They walk into the living room and Martha is greeted by nearly everyone in the room. She gives a few people hugs and rolls her eyes when a couple others tease her. Karen watches in admiration. Martha has clearly come out of her shell in the years they’ve been apart, and it warms her heart to know that she hadn’t let their past dictate her future.

 

“Martha! I can’t believe my eyes, I thought you said you weren’t coming?” Denny says as she steps up and grabs Martha’s arm. Denny is a one of the butches that Karen had mistake for a man when they first entered. She’s wearing a black collared shirt, a pair of pleated pants, and had a cigarette tucked behind her ear. She’s one of Martha’s longest friends in the city, and a good person to have around. She’d do anything for Martha if she needed something.

 

“What can I say, I changed my mind,” Martha says with a teasing smile, “Hey D, this is my friend Karen,” Martha says, giving Denny a look that told her that they would talk about it later.

 

“Karen! My goodness, I’ve heard so much about you,” Denny says with a slight smirk as she shakes Karen’s hand.

 

“All good things I hope,” Karen says with a chuckle as she shakes Denny’s hand, “It’s wonderful to meet you.”

 

“Likewise,” Denny says before putting her hands in her pockets.

 

“I’m going to get us some drinks,” Karen says before squeezing Martha’s arm and walking down the hall to the kitchen.

 

Martha watches her leave in adoration, before turning to Denny who was standing there smirking at her.

 

“What?” Martha asks with an annoyedly furrowed brow.

 

“You’re a lucky woman, Martha.”

 

“How do you figure?” Martha asks confusedly.

 

“Because that girl you’ve been carrying a torch for all this time, is most definitely a dyke,” Denny says before taking a swig of her beer.

 

“Shut up, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” Martha says in a hushed tone as she pushes Denny’s arm.

 

“I’m telling you!” Dneny says with a laugh, “You both are painfully oblivious, but I can just tell. Trust me.”

 

Martha lets out a breath and turns to watch Karen walking back towards them with two drinks in her hands. She smiles beautifully at Martha and for once she fully considers the possibility that Karen is the same as her, the same as all the women in this room. The thought equally frightens her and excites her.

 

…

 

The night progresses and Karen meets more of Martha’s friends, all of which she gets along with wonderfully. They tell her funny stories about Martha and Karen does the same. Martha shakes her head as her two worlds collide and swap embarrassing stories about her.

 

After a while, most of the couples broke away from the group to slow dance, and others disappeared into rooms upstairs. Karen touches Martha’s arm and holds up a pack of cigarettes. She uses her head to gesture to the door.

 

Martha follows her lead and they walk out to the backyard together. They pull their coats on as they lean against the wall. Karen hands Martha a cigarette before pulling one out for herself. She pulls out a lighter and lights Martha’s for her, smiling softly as she does so, before lighting her own. She takes a long drag of it before leaning back against the wall.

 

“I thought Joe made you quit smoking?” Martha asks curiously.

 

“I could never sneak a pack of cigarettes into a house with a doctor. But now that I’m on my own, I can do whatever I want,” Karen says with a grin, blowing smoke out of her pretty lips.

 

Martha chuckles, her gaze lingering on Karen's face before taking a drag of her own cigarette.

 

They stand together, smoking in the cold winter night, watching clouds drift across the moon. The wind blows Karen’s hair as she looks off into the sky wistfully. Martha watches Karen, and sees the reflection of the bright moon in Karen’s eyes.

 

Karen looks over at Martha, and her eyes had an emotion in them that Martha has never really seen before. It was similar to affection but with a level of depth and surety that made her heart ache. Karen inches closer and Martha can hardly feel her hands. She isn’t sure if it’s from the cold or from the nerves.

 

Karen gets so closer that their noses are nearly touching. She then leans in, turning her head as the ghost of her lips lingers against Martha’s. So little space lies between them, both their hearts pounding, when suddenly the back door opens. Martha moves back quickly, her fear taking over and pulling herself away from the one person she has always wanted.

 

 The two women watch as a few people filter out into the backyard, oblivious to them standing at the edge of the yard.

 

“We better be leaving, it’s getting late,” Martha says quietly, internally scolding herself for not being able to kiss Karen. SHe could hardly process that Karen almost kissed her to begin with. 

 

Karen’s eyes are sad as she worries that she did n=something to make Martha uncomfortable. SHe then follows Martha inside before following her out the front door.

 

…

 

The ride home is excruciatingly quiet and tense, and Martha wishes she could make this easier. SHe wishes she could just feel okay about the whole thing. She wishes she could love Karen without the fear of being the reason why she loses everything again.

 

They get home and Martha’s throat is dry with nervousness as they walk to her apartment. She fumbles with her keys, and drops them as she tries to unlock the door. She feels Karen’s gaze on her back as she tries to fit the key into the lock of her apartment, her hands cold and shaking from being with Karen again, and from the memory of them almost kissing. So many thoughts running through her mind.

Karen stops her and grabs her hand, before taking the keys and unlocking it for her.

 

Martha’s cheeks flush from the contact, and from Karen’s eyes being on her as she walks through the door and thanks her. They walk inside and turn the radiator on to escape the cold. Karen looks at Martha with painfully loving eyes as they shed their coats and sit down on the couch. 

 

They sit in silence for a while, them bith being overcome by their feelings for one another. Martha’s heart can barely take it, and she worries about what giving into her love for Karen would do. She can’t help but dwell on the possibility of ruining Karen’s life all over again. She seems so happy with being able to teach again, and it would absolutely crush Martha if she was the cause of rumors yet again. 

 

“Martha,” Karen says finally, her words slicing through the silence.

 

Tears form in Martha’s eyes as she hears Karen speak and she realizes she can’t sit here, not now. She feels anxiety rising in her and threatening to pour out any second. She panics and stands up before Kren can say another word.

 

“I’m sorry, I need to use the restroom,” Martha says as he fights back the tears, before walking down the hall and shutting herself in the bathroom. She sits on the floor of the bathroom, her back against the cold wall as she buries her face in her hands. Tears stream down her face immediately as she thinks about the night, and about Karen, and about them almost kissing. Heer heart is pounding with fear and so many conflicting emotions swirl inside her all at once.

 

She feels like a hypocrite because she has been proud of herself lately for not dwelling on her love for Karen so much, and yet here she is, sobbing after Karen tried to kiss her.

 

Not long after, Karen knocks on the bathroom door and comes in when Martha doesn’t answer. She has a look of worry, and it makes Martha feel guilty, knowing the brunette was probably so worried because the last time she knocked and got no answer, Martha had nearly died.

 

Karen sits next to Martha and grips her wrist, rubbing her thumb over the back of Martha's hand affectionately. Martha wipes her tears, much of her anxiety having quieted once she let her tears out, and the rest of her heart being preoccupied with her affection for karen.

 

“Martha,” Karen starts with teary eyes.

 

“I’m alright Karen, truly. Just having one of those moments-” Martha tries to laugh it off.

 

“Martha,” Karen says softer this time.

 

Martha turns her head and is met with Karen's beautiful brown eyes staring into her own. Their eyes connect and Karen cups Martha’s face with tears coming down her face as well. 

 

“I’m in love with you,” Karen says, letting the tears fall in straight streams as she holds Martha.

 

Martha shakes her head, not being able to process that this is real life and not in fact a distant dream of hers.

 

“No, what if I ruin things again?” Martha says, her heart hurting as she tries her best not to panic and start sobbing again. 

 

“You won't ruin anything, darling. Anything I lose, will be worth nothing if it means I can’t be with you,” Karen says firmly.

 

Martha finally lets herself cry. She can’t believe that Ksren would care for her so much, love her so much. She clings to Karen’s hands she cups her cheeks, and starts to slow her breathing.

 

Karen strokes her thumb against Martha’s cheeks until she has calmed down. She admires Martha’s beautiful blue eyes and the style of her haircut. Martha is so beautiful and Karen can’t believe that she was put on the planet at the same time as her. How lucky she feels.

 

Finally deciding she can’t wait any longer, she pulls Martha closer with gentle movements. Martha looks up at the brunette and waits, knowing she’d do anything for her. 

 

Karen reaches up and tucks Martha’s hair behind her ear before leaning in fully and planting a kiss on Martha’s lips. Their lips moved against each other softly and perfectly and Martha’s mind goes blank. All that she can think about now is Karen, and being kissed by Karen.

 

Karen’s lips are soft and Martha wishes that she could kiss them forever. The fear slowly dissolves from her mind as the most of Karen’s kisses and embraces are the only things she can think about. 

 

Karen pulls away after a while and looks into Martha’s eyes, a soft smile on both their faces as they hold knot each other for dear life. So many years of pain and pining have ended and it feels surreal. 

 

“Merry Christmas Martha,” Karen says with a smile, dangerously close to becoming a smirk

 

“Merry Christmas Karen,” Martha says quietly, before pulling Karen down quickly for another kiss.