Chapter Text
“Shala Nar Asa’ma’lin (Protect your sister). Make sure she is safe, guard her with your life if you have to.”
Ever since Rae left for the Conclave at the behest of Keeper Deshanna, her mother’s command echoed in Ash’s ears. She’d ensured her sister’s safety for twenty years, taught her to fight and survive in a world that did not care for them. The first thing Rae did with those skills was insist to the Keeper that she be the representative from their clan to spy on the Conclave - potentially the most influential meeting of the century, a chance for the Chantry, the templars and the mages they oppressed to meet and form a treaty. It was dangerous, but Deshanna deemed Rae ready for the mission, and there had been nothing she, as the First to the Keeper, could do to persuade the stubborn elder otherwise.
“My Ashvalla.”
Ash turned, sluggish like she was caught in honey, slow and unable to see her surroundings clearly. Everything was covered in a beige haze, her old home, the aravel where her family used to live until…her first failure.
Yet there it was intact, free from blood stains, from her mother’s lifeless body strewn across the ground, unfamiliar hands reaching out to grab hold, the faces of men twisted in sinister grins—
No. Ash shook her head, dispelling the memory. The Fade was familiar to her; as a mage, she had been dodging demons of all kinds for as long as she could remember. No demonic signs presented themselves to her now, the air rippled with calm - warmth, even - like a soft blanket draped over her shoulders as she drifted off to sleep in her father’s lap. A campfire crackled outside, distant chatter of her clan joining the buzzing of insects in the night.
“Who’s there?” she demanded, planting her feet in an effort to stabilize herself, but the fog in her mind refused to relinquish her from its misty hold. Demons deceived, she couldn’t trust her senses, and it was safest to be wary. She had no plans to let a demon get the better of her today.
“A friend.” The voice reverberated around her, plucking at the edges of her memory. Jagged edges she would much sooner forget rose and fell with her quickened breath.
“No friends of mine would call to me in the Fade. Show yourself, demon.” Ash barred her teeth, her sharp incisors flashing, her hands reaching for a staff that wasn’t there.
As if conjured from the air itself, a woman materialized before her. But she was unlike any mortal woman Ash had ever seen. Her body was engulfed in crackling flames, yet, amidst the fire, she held the same soft, full-figured outline as Ash's own. The familiarity was unnerving; it felt as though Ash had stepped into a dream where she was gazing at a distorted reflection of herself. Is that what was happening?
Ash stepped back, unease roiling in her gut. She’d always been confident in her own skin, her wide hips and thick thighs that she flaunted, but to see it move of its own accord made her skin crawl.
“Fear not,” the creature spoke, hands held out in a display of innocence. “I am no demon, I mean you no harm.”
“Pardon me if I don’t immediately take your word for it,” Ash replied, crossing her arms over her chest.
The creature giggled, the sound like birdsong on a dewy spring morning. “My dear Ashvalla, do you not recognize me? I have been a shimmering spark in your heart for some time.”
Ash narrowed her eyes, scanning the creature up and down, her lips set in a firm line. She did recognize it, but she couldn’t place it.
The creature took a tentative step forward, and Ash responded by taking another step back. “Once again, you are burdened with the same love and grief you felt when we last spoke. Let me aid you as I did before, back when your heart was torn in two, when you called to me across the Fade.”
Ash’s heart sank, a heavy stone dropping within her chest. The room around her felt dimmer, and she fought the urge to double over and empty the contents of her stomach on the wooden slates. “I’m not… grieving,” she whispered, but her voice trembled.
The creature smiled sadly at her, its eyes strangely expressive for being so empty. She didn’t need the creature's pity and she would much prefer if it fucked off and left her alone. “The Fade cloaks your mind to shield you from pain; yet, you must reclaim those memories.”
“Why?” Ash’s mouth filled with sand, dry and unable to form proper words. Dread carved a hole in her chest, she already knew the answer didn’t she?
“You love Mirae more than you love anything else. Your devotion to your sister is admirable, a bond that is both beautiful and heavy; but sorrow may consume you should the whispers of her fate ring true.”
Her knees hit the unforgiving floor, knocking the breath from her lungs before she could comprehend what was happening. She wanted to scream, to rage at the creature for telling such heinous lies, but she knew in the deep recesses of her mind that it was true - that she had been consumed by anguish since the news had come the day before last. Mirae…Rae…irritatingly smug, too perceptive for her own good, stubborn just like her sister. And caught in the Conclave’s explosion.
“I thought you would have been proud of me for getting involved in mage’s rights, or do you not care about the elves you beat out for your position as First? The ones who’ve had to fend for themselves while being hunted by Templars. I thought you were better than this.” The last thing Rae had said to her, an admonishment of her cowardice. And what she’d said back…biting and cruel.
“Don’t be such a brat, you have no idea what it’s like out there. You’re going to get yourself killed.”
And she had. Ash’s warning had been useless.
A warm hand brushed tears from her cheeks, gentle despite the harshness of the flames that flickered between its fingers. Ash could not find the strength to jerk back. A calmness spread through her, easing her pain, numbing and quieting her thoughts.
She looked up at the creature through wet lashes, kneeling before it, a kind smile on its face, so reminiscent of the worst night of Ash’s life. The dotted scars circling her lips ached at the reminder, old fear and helplessness fluttering in her chest. There had been so much fire, so much pain. In the end, Ash, Rae, and the other children were the only ones that remained.
At least that was what she let everyone else believe, for she knew better. She’d made a deal, one to keep Rae safe where Ash had failed, to make good on her promise. A deal that would have her made Tranquil or killed. Ash’s chest tightened at the thought, her breaths coming in shallow gulps. Despair mingled with shame, the fear of losing herself completely overtaking her mind. A fear all mages knew too well.
A tremulous breath pushed past Ash’s lips, a dull throbbing in her chest where the anguish had been only moments before.
“It’s you.” Ash felt the familiar tug at the edges of her awareness, a whisper of reassurance just out of reach.
The creature smiled, filling the space with her radiance. “Your Spirit of Love,” she confirmed. “We have not spoken in some time.”
Spirits and demons were all the same in the eyes of the Dalish, beings from beyond the veil could not comprehend the intricacies of mortal life. Yet, in her childhood innocence, she had trusted this Spirit and allowed herself to be possessed - even if only for the Spirit to observe mortal love - and Love had remained a steady heat within her chest, urging her gently - but never forcefully - towards what the Spirit sought. Romantic, familial, friendly, love in all its forms was good enough for the spirit. It was too bad for Love that Ash hadn’t been particularly lucky in that department.
“Why now?” Ash questioned, her voice wavering between defiance and desperation.
“You know why.” Love waited with the patience of a Spirit who was not affected by the passing of time. And she was right, Ash did know.
Her voice wobbled and she squeezed her fists tight at her sides. “Rae.”
“You have forsaken your gifts, my powers,” Love said, her voice stirring echoes of the past. Ash winced, remembering the roaring flames, the screams of men as their flesh was peeled from their bones. She had done what she had to keep Rae safe, but she’d never been able to forget the smell of charred corpses. "But we can reclaim that bond. I can help you remember who you truly are. We can save Rae once more.”
The words left her momentarily breathless and reeling. She stood on shaky legs, staggering backward, her vision blurring as the truth sunk in, forcing her to grip the edge of a table to steady herself. “No, that…no one survived.” The denial slipped across her tongue like a fragile prayer.
“Do not give up on your sister so quickly, you taught her well. I can feel her life force through your connection to her. She is alive, though in a great deal of pain, and she will need you if she is to survive. She will need your strength, in combination with mine.” Ash couldn’t breathe, the spirit had to be lying, but she had yet to sense an ounce of untruth from her, not like the deceit that rolled off demons in waves.
Ash swallowed hard, her heart racing as the familiar urge tugged at her magic. “I shouldn’t,” she thought, gripping her arms as if to contain the swell of power, but the warmth pressed against her, demanding she yield.
“Yet you want to.”
"It’s my fault she’s there, and if she’s hurt…I can’t let that happen again. But I’d be a fool to think there’s nothing you want from this… arrangement.” Surely she’d become possessed by a spirit of madness to even consider such a thing. When it came to Rae, she supposed she would truly do anything to ensure her safety.
“I wish to guide you, my Ashvalla. I have watched you grow - love gained and lost. You need not lose anymore. Remember the love you hold for Mirae; it is a flame that can light your way through the shadows.” The Spirit put Ash’s hand on her chest. “Feel me, tell me what you find. Your heart knows the truth, and we must tread carefully if we are to help your sister on her treacherous path.”
What could only be described as pure adoration flowed through her hand, swirling up her arm and warming her to the core. Keeper Deshanna had taught her that Spirits were just as bad as demons, but the Keeper had sent Rae to her death too. Perhaps she was not as wise as she pretended to be.
“I remain in control, you will lend your strength to me whenever I require, but no fire magic. You will watch and observe and nothing more.” Her words were hardened, determined. She would get to Rae, wherever she was. Even if it meant she had to raise her from the dead to do so.
“You will receive only a fraction of my power without the use of fire, but I agree to your terms. You will not regret this,” The Spirit of Love said as Ash’s vision started to fade, a dull panic rising in her throat. What had she done?
She’d spent years suppressing the burn of Love’s power, afraid of what it may do to her and those she cared for. But it had saved Rae once before, perhaps it could do so again.
Ash had a promise to keep. “For Rae, I would regret nothing.”