Chapter Text
I was lying in the healer's pavilion not believing my ears...it can't be....it's impossible...
"H-how? You're joking...please tell me you're joking...I'm a man...I...I ....I can't...be... p-pregnant..."
"But you are Wuxian. My diagnosis isn't wrong."
No...that can't be....how? It was only once!
"Even if it was somehow possible..."
Why is she looking at me with pity?
"Wuxian. It's a spiritual pregnancy. It's very and I mean very rare for this to happen, especially with a male. There was only one recorded occurrence when a male has conceived a child."
I really don't understand...
"Now I need you to answer my questions"
I don't like where this is going.
"Judging by the fact that the fetus is a month old I'm guessing that you had sexual intercourse with someone during the indoctrination. Am I right?"
My face is on fire right now...how can she be so casual about it?! Are all medics like that?!
I...I may...have slept with... Lan Zhan....but it was only for survival! We were in a cave...both of us were cold and hungry...let's not forget that I was sick too....We needed to preserve as much energy as possible...so we...I...well...we made love...or at least from my end we did...I...I love Lan Zhan...I'm in love with him...but he doesn't want anything to do with me...he finds me shameless and disgusting. He wasn't happy that we had to do that. But what else were we supposed to do? We were drenched in water and the fire wouldn't warm us up enough. We needed our Qi to fight and use inedia. Dual cultivation was our best option to survive.
But...His whole body was tense while we were...doing it. He wouldn't even allow us to undress...just enough to get the job done...he wasn't even looking at me...we didn't even kiss...I know that he doesn't like me,he made it clear...but couldn't he at least treat me like I'm a human ? I felt like I'm worth less than some dirt. Yet I still wanted more because I knew it's the only time I will be this intimate with him. After that he returned to ignoring me. Three days later...he broke my heart completely. Not only did he tell me that he hated me...he just left without so much as a goodbye. I know he had to return to his sect but couldn't he leave me a note? Anything? It hurts knowing that my feelings will never be returned...and now I have a part of him with me....I felt a hand on my cheek.
"Are you alright? Wuxian. Please tell me...was it consensual?"
I was crying now. What am I supposed to do?
"I'm pregnant."
"Yes you are."
It still feels like a bad dream.
"I'm pregnant and the father of my child hates me."
"Wuxian..."
"He hates me..."
And isn't that the truth? I tried so hard...I did everything I could so he would accept me...even if it was just as a friend...it was futile. Now I'm alone with a child...
"Wuxian calm down. The stress is bad for the child."
The stress? How am I supposed to calm down! I'm sixteen years old and pregnant! I'm completely alone and let's not forget about what Madam Yu is going to say! Wait....
"She's going to kill me...she's really going to kill me this time...."
I couldn't calm down...she will not let it slide...and no one is going to stop her....I'm going to die...no. We are going to die!
"Wuxian! Breath!"
"What am I going to do! Madam Yu is going to kill us!"
"It's going to be alright. Nothing will happen to you or your child."
"How are you so sure! She's already pissed at me for what happened with the Wens! If I wasn't recovering here I would already be put on a trial if she had her way!"
And isn't that the truth? After my return it took me a month to recover. I spent most of my time here...the healers tried to figure out why I am not healing as well as I should with my golden core. If it wasn't for that I would already be at the receiving end of Zidian. Little did I knew that all of my energy was going straight to my child....my child. A baby. My baby...
I couldn't help myself and touched my stomach. A life is growing there.
"Wuxian. Have you ever thought....about defecting?"
What? What is she talking about?
"What are you talking about? I can't just leave! This is my home!"
How can she say that!
"Is it?"
What is she talking about?
"Of course it is!"
My answer made her unhappy...but why?
"Wuxian. Since your arrival here....how do I say it? Child. I will be frank with you. The Jiang's are using you. DON'T interrupt me before I finish ok? I will tell you how I see your situation and then you will tell me your opinion. Does it sounds good?"
She has no right to talk like that about them! They saved me...but there's nothing wrong with hearing her out...so I nodded my head and listened.
"You're not the only orphan that this sect has took in yet you're the only one who is constantly reminded about a debt for 'saving' you. Wuxian. You were just a child who wasn't even permitted to mourn what you had lost. Even while knowing that you were malnourished...they didn't feed you properly.You are the only one who is constantly punished for everything that is happening. And with Zidian at that! Child. I can't watch this anymore. Changze was a good man. And to see you here being treated as a guard dog is breaking my heart. That bitch is insulting your parents names and no one,not even his dear friend is stopping her! "
That's not true...they...I mean....but isn't it? No one protects me here from her unjust punishments. But I owe them!
"They took me in while I had nowhere else to go. I need to repay them for that. Besides Jiang Cheng and Shijie need me."
Yes. Even when uncle Jiang doesn't care...they do. I still have my siblings.
"Repay them? For what? Cangse Sanren has saved Jiang-Zhongzhu's life. He owes her. Taking you in is like repaying that debt. He did a very bad job at that let me tell you. Your parents would have killed him themselves for what he did to you. And if that isn't enough, then you already repaid them by being their Head Disciple. You didn't get the pay nor the benefits that come with your position. You don't owe them anything. They owe you. Especially for protecting that foolish girls honor!"
"Shijie isn't..."
"She is! Instead of properly treating your wounds she feeds you some soup as if it has some magical properties! Not once did she try to stop her mother from punishing you! And her excuse is that she didn't mean it? Wuxian...I'm sorry but she doesn't care about you as much as you think. Tell me. Does she treat Jiang Cheng the same way?"
Shijie....she cares...it's just....but...she's...not wrong...if Jiang Cheng is hurt she properly treats his wounds. She protects him from her mother's words by distracting her. Jiang Cheng's feelings are important but mine aren't. She always tells me to simply forget it and not take anything to heart...
"And Jiang Wanyin. He uses you as an outlet for his anger. You protect him,distract other's from his temper,take all the blame on yourself,deal with his jealousy and hold yourself back in every single spar. I'm sorry but they aren't your family. Jiang Fengmian is neglectful,Madam Yu abusive, Jiang Yanli is manipulative and Jiang Wanyin is toxic little shit. I can't watch as the child of my former friend is living like that. I already had to watch this happening for six years. "
B-but...where else can I go? I have nothing that is mine!
And now? Having all of this in the open makes me feel like a total idiot. Saved me? Why wait for four years to bring me to the sect? Educated me? More like beat me every time I excelled in anything. Feed me? They weren't paying me for my position or giving me enough food. I really repaid them....I didn't even knew about the life debt...my mother saved unc-no. He's not my uncle. She saved his life...and I what? I'm their guard dog...and...my child would be like that too...if I will be able to keep it...no...nonono...I refuse! I will not give my baby up! I will not let him be treated as I am!
"I see you have made your decision. I hope whatever you have decided will end up with you leaving. I'm sorry my child but a person shouldn't fear for their life in their own home."
With that she left me. Now what am I supposed to do! I can't stay here. If I do my child will die. I can't go to the Lan sect either. Lan Zh...I mean Wangji. Lan Wangji has never answered any of my letters. I don't have any money...I don't have a land either...I have no family...but I survived the streets...I may be unable to use my spiritual energy as everything goes to my child...it would be better if the father shared his energy with me...I wouldn't have to give it everything then. I need to secede. But I can't give them any leverage over me. It's better for it to be public so they can't change their mind later or destroy my reputation even more. I need to do it. If not for myself then for him. I just hope that everything will work out in the end.
Three days. That's how long it took me to get out of the infirmary. To gather my courage to face the storm that is coming my way. But I need to do it. Today. The elders are going to accompany Jiang-Zhongzhu to today's training session. As nomads they aren't often in the sect. I need to use that opportunity to leave. I'm still uncertain but I can't let my baby end up like me.
Everyone was already training. Madam Yu was unfortunately here too but it's for the better. With her here my chances of leaving are much higher. She was the first to realize I was here.
"Look who decided to grace us with his presence. Are you done with lazing around?"
Of course. Because that's what I was doing. It's not like I was sick.
"A-xian. Are you feeling better?"
Now that I look at his face I don't see any concern towards me...I really was a fool.
"Of course you worry for that servant. If it was your own son you wouldn't care at all!"
Here we go again.
"San-Niang. That isn't true."
"Who are you trying to fool?!"
Can't they stop just for a second!
"Jiang-Zhongzhu."
That got his attention.
"A-xian?"
"I would like to secede from the sect."
I said that and bowed deeply to him. Everyone was shocked by my admission.
"Secede?! After all the trouble you have caused us you want to simply leave?!"
You should make up your mind Madam Yu. Do you won't me gone or not? But it is a good excuse to leave...
"That's part of the reason I would wish to leave. I already overstayed my welcome and brought nothing but trouble with me. I think it would be best if I became a rogue cultivator and stopped bringing shame to the Jiang's."
These words taste like acid in my mouth. But it's a good reason to leave that doesn't paint me as ungrateful.
"Wei Wuxian! How dare you leave us! After everything we did for you this how you repay us!"
Jiang-daifu was right...Jiang Cheng doesn't care about me...I'm only his dog...he is a mirror of his mother. She said the same thing to me.
"A-xian. Is it because of mother's words? You know she doesn't mean it. It's for your own good. I know my Xianxian will understand."
How can she not mean it? Was I really that blind? How could I ever believed that Jiang Yanli cared for me!
"A-xian. I think you still need some time to rest. We would speak about this later."
No. If we do I wouldn't be allowed to leave!
"I can't stay here Jiang-Zhongzhu."
I can't let him stop me.
"Call me uncle A-xian."
"I have no right to call you that."
"Of course you do. Me and Changze were like brothers."
It's the first time that I find his smile irritating.
"Then why do I not know anything about him?"
"What do you mean Wuxian. Didn't the Zhongzhu talked to you about your father?"
Good. The elders are including themselves in our conversation.
"No he didn't."
"Fengmian what is the meaning of this?"
"It's just a misunderstanding."
"Why should we talk about some servant who ran away from his duties! It's good that this rat is dead!"
She didn't...how can she say that...and why isn't Jiang-Zhongzhu reacting?! Didn't he claim them to be brothers before?
"Jiang-furen! Mind your words!"
"It's Yu-furen! How dare you speak to me that way!"
Oh! She's never in the sect when the elders are visiting. They don't know about anything!
"If you don't want to let me go I can only ask the elders for help."
"A-xian!"
"Wei Wuxian!"
"You ungrateful bastard!"
"Speak. We will listen"
"Since being brought here I have never heard anything positive about my parents. I'm punished with Zidian for things like walking without a shirt. I'm being blamed for the broken engagement between the Jin's and Jiang's. And now if it wasn't for my health I would already be punished for saving everyone in the cave."
"Fengmian! Is it truth? Is your wife really using a first class spiritual weapon to torture your Head Disciple?! Why isn't she being addressed as the Jiang-furen?! And what about the cave? He made sure that our heir arrived here safely? Wasn't he one of the first people to get out? For what exactly is she blaming him for?!"
"I'm not sure what you mean by being the Head Disciple elders. I have no money or land to support that claim. I checked the records too. I'm not listed as their Head Disciple there. Legally I don't belong to the Jiang's."
And that revelation hurt the most. When I read that...it was like my last connection to them broke.
"Are you all out of your minds! You are our leader! How could you allow such disgrace to happen!"
"What disgrace! I would never allow that bastard to climb that far! My son should get that position and not him!"
"Enough! I see that after more than a decade your wife still doesn't know how the Jiang sect operates. Wei Wuxian from this day you are free. As you were never legally added to our register you didn't have to inform us of your leaving,still we thank you for your work for all this years. Of course we will compensate you for your work."
"You can't do that A-xian is just a child. He doesn't know what he's doing."
Then you should have added me to the registry. You have no claim over me.
"Like hell he will get any compensation! He should leave just like he arrived! With nothing!"
I ignored everyone other than the elders and bowed to them.
"This one just wants to keep his sword. I don't wish for any compensation."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I just want to leave."
"Very well."
"Thank you for everything. I just have one more thing to say. The Wens already destroyed many minor sects. They dared to attack the major one too. The Jiang's may be next. Please prepare for that."
"We don't need a traitor like you to tell us what to do!"
Of course Jiang Cheng...no. Jiang Wanyin. I just hope when they arrive you will be able to say the same. I used the chaos that my presence here has created and left while they were distracted fighting with each other. Everyone will know the reason for my secession. By tomorrow the rumors will be all over the Jianghu. No one will be able to pin the blame for that on me. And the people that I have saved will be pissed that the Jiang's would gladly left them to die . Now I'm free...if the elders weren't here I would be probably beaten for my insolence and locked away. Then they would have found out about my child and I dread to think what would have happened then.
Now we're alone. It's only you and me my little radish. First I need to figure out where to go.