Star Wars Febwhump 2025

by Elliot_Holmes

Summary:

sw characters didn't suffer enough in Canon, so I'm making their lives even more miserable :)

Chapter 1: Day 1: Vocal chords

Summary:

Echo’s vocal chords are gone after what happened on Skako Minor. His most characteristic trait is gone, they took away his identity. But the worst part is that he can shout of pain after learning what happened to Fives

Sometimes, Echo could still feel the pain on his throat. A ghost merely, as if his body was just remembering. He could feel how someone ripped his vocal chords, leaving his neck open, bloody and naked. His voice, gone in less than a minute.
A moment later, the pain was gone again, leaving nothing more than a sense of uncomfort.
Despite this, his voice was still gone. And nothing could bring it back.
Echo also knew that they took away his identity too. And the pain of that knowledge didn't disappear.
Never did and never will.
“Echo” his squad had called him.
Oh, if they knew that now he could not repeat anything anymore.
They had destroyed Echo in that damned place, they erased who he was.
But that wasn’t the worst, no.
Echo knew that even if he still had his voice, he wouldn’t be the same either way.
The worse was that Five was dead,
He had managed to ask about him, his best friend, his brother, his twin.
And now, knowing he was never going to see Fives was worse than any pain he had suffered before. He wanted to cry, shout, curse, let everyone know that he was tearing apart, that Fives didn’t deserve that, that he hated the ones who let his brother die.
But he couldn’t.
Only a whisper escaped his mouth, not even a shadow of what he was feeling. But he still tried, with his mouth open, throat sore, trying to let out a scream that will be forever trapped inside him, just like all of his pain and grief.

Notes:

This one is short, but chapters will eventually become longer, i promise, this one was just a warm up

Chapter 2: Day 2: Holding back tears

Summary:

Rex hides his distress from Ahsoka, for clones are not meant to cry

Rex knew he had to be focused. Ready to fight, ready for battle.
And still, he couldn’t stop seeing it. How everyone had shot Ahsoka. How he himself had done it. How they hadn’t even doubted, they just fired.
He could have killed her.
“Focus” he remembered himself.
But he couldn’t. The guilt was too much, having to talk to Ahsoka as if nothing had happened, seeing her just fine when she could be dead.
His hands started to shake and he just wanted them to stay still.
His hand should have shaken when he was firing against his friend, but they hadn’t.
He felt an unfamiliar burn in his eyes, and he got even more upset. He didn’t have any right to cry, no after what he had done, no when Ashoka seemed to be just fine with him,no when they should be focused on escaping, surviving, getting ready to fight their way out.
“Focus. You’re a soldier”
-So, what do we do? - he said, wanting to think about something else - Fight our way to the shuttle?
-There are too many- She responded- Besides, I don't want to hurt them.
She looked at him and Rex saw she was being serious. Now he could feel a pain on his chest, and he was growing tired of his body betraying him.
-I hate to tell you this, but they don't care- he said, almost angry. How could she think about not hurting them when they almost… - This ship is going down, and those soldiers, my brothers, are willing to die, and take you and me along with them!!
“My brothers”
He tried to pull himself together, calm his breathing down, but he was a fool if he really thought he could hide it from Ahsoka.
She took his helmet off and he saw the compassionate look on her eyes. He saw her forgiveness and his eyes started burning. He had to look away when the tear ran down his face.
He hated himself even more, ashamed, until she said:
-You're a good soldier, Rex.
At that moment, he knew he would do anything to help her escape alive

Chapter 3: Day 3: Major character death

Summary:

Obi-Wan's death

Notes:

Alt 1 used

Still now, Obi-Wan could see the irony in all of this.
“You’ll be the death of me” he had said to his apprentice so many times.
It was a joke, but if Obi-Wan thought about it hard enough, he had always known it was true. He could not imagine another end for him than being killed by Anakin Skywalker.
That being said, one could believe he was prepared.
He believed that too. He thought he was ready to be one with the Force, complete his mission, die in a fight like he had always imagined.
He will save Luke and Leia from the father they didn't know, and then he'll see his master again.
But he wasn't ready.
The only thing he could think about was that the machine he had in front of him was Anakin.
His padawan.
He could only see a kid, cold and afraid in the Jedi Temple. A teen, afraid of failure. A man who felt helpless because no one understood his pain and even all his power wasn’t enough to erase it.
Obi-Wan thought he had done all he could to help him, but it turned out to not be enough.
The shadow of Anakin, his brother, was in front of him, and was ready to kill him.
And it destroyed him.
It destroyed him because the man he had known since he was a child, the man he had raised and loved, was eager to do so. He knew Darth Vader hated him, he had known that since they first met as Sith and Jedi, as Evil and Good.
But he had forgiven Ankin so many years ago, that he hadn't even thought about Vader's anger being still alive.
He guesses he deserves it. To be hated.
He had caused most of the pain that now crushed Darth Vader’s heart.
He hadn’t been capable of killing him on Mustafar, prolonging his suffering.
He had failed that mission, he won’t fail this one.
Luke was the only hope now.
He let his guard down, sure that Vader wouldn’t miss that opportunity
He felt infinite sadness when he saw him strike
“I forgive you” he thought as he died, by his brother’s hands. And he knew that Anakin, somewhere inside Vader, had heard his last words through the Force.

Chapter 4: Day 4: Hivemind

Summary:

Cody always knew that all thought clones looked exactly like one another, just like droids, they could make their own choices. Now, with the Empire, he isn't so sure about that any more.

Cody had always felt grateful for being a clone. Each time he watched how droids followed orders without any second thought, how they found death so easily, he was grateful.
He knew they were not living beings, but still, it was nice to know his life was valued. It was nice to know he had enough surviving skills to know when to change a plan, when to question the orders.
Secretly, he had always been terrified of not having free will.
Despite that, he had forgotten his loyalty as soon as he heard the words Order 66.
He had said to himself “good soldiers follow orders” and fired against his general.
He swore loyalty to the Empire, thinking they will bring peace to the galaxy.
Each time he killed, he repeated himself he was doing it for peace, because good soldiers follow orders, because everything had been planned by a greater mind.
Each person he took, knowing they were going to be tortured by the Empire, he told himself it will end soon, the war will be over and he will be finally free.
But that freedom never came.
Soon, it was difficult to separate one mission from another. Each day, the same as the previous. Good soldiers follow orders, he told himself each morning.
And he began to grow comfortable on that routine.
Soon, he realized the orange in his uniform had disappeared, and now was just like everyone else’s, white and grey. He wasn’t Cody anymore, just one more trooper, one more numbre.
Soon he began to realize other clones repeat the same mantra as him.
“Good soldiers follow orders”
And sometimes it was harder to know if it was him who was saying it, or someone else.
He had betrayed his general for this, for the Empire. A greater good, peace.
Order 66, he had heard, and he hadn’t questioned any order since then.
He had been happy to be a clone, because he could make his own decisions, but he hadn’t thought about living with them.
Because, soon, he realized his worst nightmare had come true.
He was nothing more than another soldier of the Empire, no thoughts, no free will. He had followed the course of history, and had let someone else write his own.
And he had betrayed everyone he held dear for that illusion.
He was just like any droid, no thoughts, no value.

Chapter 5: Day 5: Not trusting reality

Summary:

Anakin doesn’t believe it when Rako Hardeen tells him he is Obi-Wan

Both of the ships had crashed but somehow Anakin was all right. He checked on Ahsoka through the Force, and when he made sure she was just unconscious but not hurt, he started the haunt.
The fogg welcomed him.
Still, he knew the man who had killed his Master was out there.He could feel how he and Cade Bane moved with caution, ready for the fight.
Well, he had been waiting for that fight since he saw the lifeless body of his master.
He felt Hardeen only a feets away from him.
He attacked.
He hit his body.
Soon, they were both on the floor, fighting and punching each other, but at least Hardeen’s gun flew out of his hand. He was unarmed.
Anakin kicked him in the stomach to get rid of him.
- You’re going to pay for what you did- he promised.
- You shouldn’ have gotten involved- the other growled. But that only made Anakin more angry. Obi-Wan’s death will be avenged, of course he had gotten involved.
With the advantage of his anger, he slammed him easily against a rock wall. He had him at his mercy, and he will show none.
-This is for Obi-Wan Kenobi- he threatened as he ignited his lightsaber, ready to strike, eager to do so.
But without a warning, Cad Bane was there. A cable coiled up his torso, trapping his arms as well, and he was dragged away from Rako Hardeen, unable to move.
“I should have seen that coming, but I was too angry…”
He knew that was something Obi-Wan had always scolded him about.
The void his loss had created on him only grew bigger, as well as his determination.
He freed himself from the cable at the same time that Bane started firing at him. He stopped the shots with his lightsaber, but it was distracting him from his true purpose.
“I’m tired of this”
He deflected a shot, directing it towards his leg. He didn’t even wait to see if it had worked, he ran as a pained scream echoed behind him.
He ran, but Hardeen was waiting for him.
He moved faster than Anakin expected, and kicked the sword out of his hand. Without giving him time to react, he moved behind him, putting an arm on his neck, making it impossible for him to breathe
- Anakin, don’t follow me- he whispered to his ear. That voice…
- ¡No!- He fighted back, kicking Hardeens knee out of its place. He shouted and Anakin moved, drawing his saber to his hand with the Force. They were now face to face. Hardeen was trying to hide his pain but Anakin could feel he was suffering. Good.
-What are you? - he asked, trying to banish the confusion from his mind and focus on the anger that had been pushing him to keep going for days, like a fuel.
He couldn’t be just a normal bounty hunter. He had moved too fast, and the trick with the voice… He had killed the mighty Obi-Wan Kenobi, after all, he thought, bitterly.
-Anakin, it's me - he said, whispering. - You have to trust me, stop following us.
-¡No! ¡Stop your mind tricks! They won't work with me- he roared.
Blinded by his anger, he started thrusting at him, but somehow, Hardeen always stepped aside before he could strike him.
“Maybe I did fainted after the crash”
-Anakin…
-¡NO! ¡SHUT UP!
He kept trying, without thinking, just wanting to cause him pain, to make him suffer like he was suffering, but he never even touched him.
His head was pounding.
How could he be so fast?
This had to be a dream, Obi-Wan was dead and he had killed his Master. This was all a trick, or a dream, and he had to kill Rako for it to come to an end.
He didn't know how, but he had stopped attacking him at some point, so now they were face to face again. Anakin wan panting.
-Anakin, calm down. It's me, it's Obi-Wan
- ¡No, you KILLED Obi-Wan, so you will DIE!
It was Anakin's turn to be faster, deadlier.
His saber went through Hardeen’s chest before none of them could think.
Rako Hardeen’s eyes were wide open, but when he looked, Anakin saw two sad, blue eyes he did know very well.
-No. It cannot be.
But no illusion could have casted a look so sad and betrayed as that one. A look so similar to Obi-Wan’s
And Anakin realized it all had been real.

Chapter 6: Day 6: Forced to stay awake

Summary:

Obi wan is unable to sleep on Kadavo

It's funny how being trapped in a live or death situation really kicks in your instincts. Obi-Wan knew there were planets where people had to fight to survive, and he had been on some of them, but at the end of the day, he lived in Coruscat. He had always lived there, and even though sometimes he felt guilty, he wasn't prepared for Kadavo.
The first night there, he couldn’t sleep. He didn’t want to. He was too afraid of something happening to the Togrutas. Even when his eyes started to close, too tired to keep them open, a whisper, a cough or a metallic sound would wake him up again. He had to be alert, he was the only one who could help them.
He guesses now that he should have slept that night, because you never know when your next chance of sleeping will be.
After that night, the slavers started punishing innocent people if he helped anyone.
He could get them killed if he didn't learn how to act against his code.
Still, each lash a togruta received, he felt it on his own flesh, each time someone was beat up, he felt the pain on his bones.
Each night, the guilt didn’t let him sleep. He will hear distant wails and cries, people shivering, fighting against the fever or internal bleeding, knowing he couldn’t do anything. Only listen to them, feel their helplessness and pain while staying quiet himself, or else someone will be punished again. But he couldn’t sleep because each sound reminded him of how useless he was, and his heart would ache even more.
When the short periods of rest were over, he was put to work again, doing as he was told, without looking at what was happening near him.
He had always been fit, his training at the Jedi Temple had made sure of that, but as each sleepless night passed, he began to feel dizzy, his muscles started to fail and any simple task felt as impossible, his concentration skills completely gone. He could only look straight ahead, move whatever heavy load he had been ordered to carry, and repeat the whole process over and over again until they were allowed to stop.
But even that began to be too difficult, so his slowness called the guards attention and they started to have fun with him too. They would kick his plate, throw all of his food everywhere, and then laugh. They would wake him up at night when unconsciousness finally found him, when rather than falling asleep he fainted. And they would laugh.
One night, he dreamed that Anakin and his battalion came to rescue them. He could hear the voices of the men, he saw Anakin smirk, that smile that never left his face, he could feel a pair of hands lifting him and carrying him to somewhere safer.
When the vision ended he realized he was still in the mines.
He dreamed of that every night. He didn’t even have to close his eyes, or sleep, they would just appear when everything was still, to give him a little bit of hope, just to disappear when he heard a cry of pain somewhere, and the guilt, the pain and the dizziness would return.
It was just the same, every day (or at least what they thought a day was in that place with no sun). He could only look straight ahead, move whatever heavy load he had been ordered to carry, and repeat the whole process over and over again until they were allowed to stop.
Then he would see how they were rescued, he would see Anakin saving him, now angry because this slave scum had had him for far too much time, and that he would kill them all. Then Obi-Wan would feel scared, because he could not say if those thoughts were his or Anakin´s, and it is not correct for a Jedi to think like that.
But at the end of the day, he supposed he was not a Jedi anymore.
A sudden light or a guard hitting him would wake him up again, if he had even slept, and the guilt, the pain and the dizziness would return.
He would only look straight ahead, move whatever heavy load he had been ordered to carry, and repeat the whole process over and over again until they were allowed to stop.
Over and over and over and over…

Notes:

Kadavo is one of the best arcs in Clone Wars imo, but it's still hard to watch and to write about it.

Chapter 7: Day 7: Alternative timeline self

Summary:

In this timeline, Obi-Wan is trans. He reflects on how his life would have been if he had had the perfect body.

When he was in the Clan, it didn’t really matter. You train, play, learn and live with everybody, boy, girl or neither. Obi-Wan wasn’t really close to anyone, but he was always read as a boy by his peers, and by Masters who didn’t know him personally. Pronouns didn’t make sense for him at that time, so he didn’t see anything weird in people calling him a “he”. It was what it was. He didn't think he was different from other girls, but he didn’t see how they were different from other boys either.
But one doesn’t stay a kid forever.
Obi-Wan wasn’t stupid. As soon as he studied galactic biology and learnt about differences between sexes in his species, he knew there was something wrong with him.
“I am a girl” he would think, looking at his holo book. But his mind fought against that idea. He had always been happy with being himself, Obi-Wan, and he didn’t quite get the difference between boys and girls yet, other than how their bodies were meant to look different.
But by looking at other humans his age, he only came to the conclusion that they were pretty similar.
“I am a boy” he would think, and that thought did feel right.
He couldn’t remember which Jedi had found him at three, so he didn’t know who else knew his secret. He guessed Yoda knew, but he had always referred to him the same way he referred to the other boys, and he had never called him a girl, so that was fine.
And then, too soon, he was a teen.
His puberty was late, so when he was assigned to Qui-Gon he could still pass as male. But again, he wasn’t stupid. He knew that sooner or later, he had to go through that process that would surely bring him more pain, and that was something he could simply not let happen.
Maybe he should have asked Qui-Gon for help, talked about it with his Master, but at first their relationship was far from perfect, so he didn’t want to add anything to the list of things that bother both of them. Plus, Jedi weren’t supposed to care about such mundane matters such as the body and how you look, so he always believed his thoughts were wrong and incorrect. He feared punishment or judgment if he told his Master.
He needed a solution, though, so any second he had of free time he spent it on the Archives. And while he searched for it, he kept with his Jedi training, except that someone did punish and judge him: himself.
Every time he couldn’t run as fast as other boys or lose at a training combat because he hadn’t been strong enough, he felt like he was letting his Master down. Everytime he couldn’t do something perfectly at his first try, it was because this thing that was wrong with him was making him fail.
Qui-Gon felt his bitterness every time this happened and he would tell him he didn’t need to be like anyone else, that his puberty would come eventually and he would be faster and stronger. But this only made his heart sink even more.
Yeah, his puberty would come, but not the one that it should be.
He kept searching in the Archives for an answer.
And he found it.
“Testosterone”. He realized. “That’s what I need”
He could go to any clinic on Coruscant and say he was a boy with a testosterone deficit, and that he needed a supplement. He knew everyone in the upper levels respected and almost feared the Jedi, so they wouldn’t ask him too many questions. Now, how to go there without raising any suspicions?
The solution presented itself in the form of homework. He had to choose an optional subject to study, and he found one that could work as an excuse: Community service. He could volunteer to help at some clinic, help the doctors, heal the wounded, and just after his shift ended, he would take his T shot right there. It seemed easy.
At first, it worked. He enjoyed working there, he learnt he liked helping others, and nobody knew why he was really there. Testosterone did his work. He became faster and stronger. And still, he kept punishing and judging himself, as if he couldn’t put down that old habit. He would tell himself everything he was was a lie, that he was lying to his Master and that that was why his bond was weak and they didn’t have a good relationship even when years had passed since they met. He told himself that he could be fast and strong but just because he had cheated, he didn’t deserve to have come this far as a Jedi.
Eventually, of course, his Master discovered.
Obi-Wan remembered he had been so scared that he had thought of leaving the Order, leaving Coruscant, if that meant not seeing his Master or anyone who knew him again. But if fighting to be himself had taught him something, was to be brave. He faced his Master, looking him in the eye when he declared he was a boy.
He may abandon the Order, but he wouldn't do it feeling ashamed for who he was.
To his surprise, Qui-Gon was okay with it. He told him that of course he was a boy, and that there was nothing wrong with wanting to change your body, especially if that change makes you love yourself.
Many things changed from that day on. Obi-Wan didn't have to carry that weight on his own anymore, his Master always helped him and defended his true self from others. Together, they organized everything for his top surgery and hysterectomy.
Those were happy years.
And despite all, Obi-Wan never felt quite right ever again. His mind was always telling him it was his fault when a mission failed. It was irrational, but he felt like that every time something went wrong. Even if there was nothing he could have done about it.
Maybe, if he had told everything to his Master before, the guilt would have never appeared in the first place.
He would look at his scars, at his beard, at his muscles, and knew it was worth it, but irrationally he thought he should pay for some sin he had never committed.
And now, when Obi-Wan is old, living on Tatooine, he wonders a lot what his life could have been if he had had the correct body.
Maybe, in another timeline, he is confident and never felt like there was something wrong with him. Maybe, in another timeline he was able to help Anakin, their bond stronger because they would feel more aligned, since they were both real men. Maybe, in another timeline he wasn't living on that desert planet, where he couldn’t get his T and where he was dying every day, remembering that his body wasn't what it was supposed to be and it was driving him crazy.
Again, this was all irrational. He knew he was a real man, testosterone or not. He knew a bond had nothing to do with one's body. And he knew he couldn’t have done anything more for his padawan.
He knows now he has a sin to pay for, and that thought hurts even more.

Notes:

I obviously had to do an angst trans obi wan fic, he is my favourite character and I am trans myself, so...
I t was kind of hard to write this but I also enjoyed it a lot, I hope you like it :))

Chapter 8: Day 8: Bleeding out

Summary:

Rex loses his first men

He was so proud to have been made captain. He had given the orders filled with confidence, sure that the mission would be a success, sure that the whole operation would go according to plan.
Now, kneeling down with a dying man in his arms, he would screw up the plan if that meant no brother would die under his orders.
-You’re fine, you’re fine,brother. Kix will help you, he'll be here in a moment. You'll be fine.
-I don’t think so- he scoffed, blood running down his mouth.
He moved the arm that covered his abdomen and Rex saw his wound. His breath escaped from his mouth.
That place was in ruins. Maybe the shiny had tripped over some rocks, and he had fallen. It didn't matter, because the thing was that his man, a shiny, had a stake stuck in his stomach, and he was bleeding out.
Rex knew they had no time, Rex knew he was going to die.
“He would have been luckier if he had died by a blaster shot,” he said to himself. It was not a kind thought to have, but that was how he had been trained. He only knew death, and he had learnt that you always want to die quickly.
-What's your name, soldier? - he asked.
- Koda, sir. That's what they call me.
-You've been brave, Koda. You have served good to your Republic, we are proud of you- he said to him, almost as if it was a secret- I am proud of you, Koda, everything will go fine, you’ll see…
He kept talking to him, making sure he was listening, making sure he would die knowing he had done something good.
As he talked, Rex saw how the color abandoned his face. He saw how his expression changed from pain to peace, how the red stain grew bigger and bigger, how his brother’s blood bathed the ground that surrounded them, staining his own hands.
He kept talking.
Finally, he saw when life abandoned his eyes, the unnatural way his body just stopped shivering and… stayed still. He closed his eyes, gently, and stood up, never taking his eyes from Koda.
He had seen death before, but somehow, now it felt different.
He saw a soldier under his order bleeding to death, and it felt as if it was his fault.
He looked at his hands, red, and he knew he would have nightmares about that day.

Notes:

Not my best work but at least it's done

Chapter 9: Day 9: Pick who dies

Summary:

Anakin has to choose between Ahsoka and Obi Wan on Mortis. (Things don’t go exactly as in the series)

Notes:

Alt 3 used

"Choose who lives”, the Father had said.
“Choose who dies”, Anakin had heard.
At one side, Obi-Wan, his Master. The closest thing he had had to a father, but that now felt more like a brother. Obi-Wan had been too young when he became his Master, so they had learnt together. How to be a master and how to be a padawan, but also how to be a Jedi.
He wouldn’t know how to live without him.
Their bond was so strong Anakin could feel his prescence planets away.
So strong that Anaking thought a part of him would die if he did.
At the other side, there was Ahsoka.
They had only been together for a couple of years, but she was his sister.
He had watched her grow up, he had seen how she had become a wonderful jedi, and she promised to become an even better one. She was brave, kind hearted, smart, capable of so many things… But more important than all of that: she was his padawan.
He had swore to protect her. Nothing bad could happen to her, the mere thought of that was killing him.
“I can't choose. I won’t choose” He thought, full of anger.
The anger had started growing since the Son had casted that illusion, making him believe he was his mother, but now it was unbearable.
He saw how Obi-Wan was trying to tell him something, but there was some sort of shield that stopped his voice from reaching him. It did matter, he didn't need to actually hear him to know what he was saying.
“Save her. Let me die”
That only made it more difficult to think about ever letting his stupid, altruistic, kind and wise master die.
“I won't choose”
Why would he? He didn’t have to give up. He had known, since they arrived, that this was not a planet, this place was the Force. And he would use that to save both of them.
But just when he was about to lift both the Son and the Daughter and make them free his friends, his family, something changed. He felt it.
“They know what I will do before I even do it” he realized. He felt that truth, it stopped his heart,, just before the Son dug his claws into Ahsoka’s arms.
She screamed, unable to move.
- ¡¡ASHOKA!!
- Choose- the Father remembered him.
Anakin turned to him, rage boiling inside him. A rage so powerful that he had only felt like that when his mother had died.
“I’m not failing anyone again” he promised to himself.
- LET THEM GO- he roared. Without thinking, he called the Force. The Father would pay for what he had done.
But he didn’t have time. Pain reached him first, coming from his bond with his master. He almost fell to his knees, but managed to stay on his feet. He looked at Obi-Wan and didn’t need to hear him to know he was also being hurt. He saw his teeth clenched, trying to suppress a cry of pain.
-Choose.
Obi-Wan and Anakin’s eyes met. Anakin’s were full of terror and doubts. Obi-Wan’s eyes were wet, but he looked determined.
“You know what to do”
-¡No!- he refused.
How could he let him die, how could he kill his Master? Obi-Wan couldn’t expect that from him. But the alternative…
“¡I won’t choose!”
A scream of pain and terror came from the other side, and he saw Ashoka being lifted above the floor, with the Son’s claws still on his arms.
-¡Stop! ¡STOP!- he demanded
-Choose- the Father said, unbothered.
“Save her” he heard through the bond.
Ashoka was still screaming, fighting against her captor.
Obi-Wan was doing the same.
That was only causing them more pain. Blood ran down their arms to the floor, and he felt helpless for the first time. He hated seeing them in pain, but how could he…
-Choose
But how could he!? How could he decide between his master and his padawan? How could he kill one of the people he loved the most in this world?
He looked at Obi-Wan and what he saw broke his heart in a million pieces. Obi- Wan had stopped fighting against the Daughter. And his eyes… His eyes showed him there had never been any conflict, there was no doubt in what it needed to be done.
- I can’t…
“I love you Anakin”
-Choose. Say the name.
He had raised him, taught him everything he knew, made him the man he was now. He had been there when he felt alone and afraid. And now, he couldn’t save him.
“I have failed you”
- Say the name.
“I love you”
-Ashoka- he whispered
And it was over.

Chapter 10: Day 10: Magic exhaustion

Summary:

Asajj Ventress being trained by Dooku.

-Lift it- his Master ordered.
The object in question was a huge tree, with huge roots that went too deep for her to even feel. They were on some unknown planet on the Outer Rim, on a rocky desert, where the only live form in kilometers was that tree.
- It has managed to thrive here, alone. You need to be more powerful, feel what it is like to take a life, undo years of effort in an instant. Destroy what nature has created.
A 12 year old Asajj thought it was too big, too wide for her to seize it with the Force.
-Yes Master- she said, instead.
She started by closing her eyes and feeling the tree, imagining it as a whole in her mind. It took some time, but finally she could sense the tree, from his upper branch till the deepest root.
Then, she called the Force. Concentrating at her best, she ordered it to move, release its roots from the ground, break it, and rise.
At first nothing happened, so she concentrated even more. She drowned herself deeper in the Force, obliging it to move the tree. It started to work, slowly but surely, and she could feel, for an instant, his Master's approval. That made her keep going. She was already sweating, but she kept going.
- Chaos will make you powerful. The Dark Side teaches us about ruling over other life forms, having their lives in our hands. That is what makes us superior.
She continued to pull the tree through the Force. She felt how it weakened. She felt how the roots started to appear, rising from under the surface, a couple of centimeters.
She got stuck there.
Terror went through her body, she could not fail. But her arms were trembling and his head was aching for all the effort she was making.
“Just keep pushing. A little bit more” she told herself.
Up, she ordered the Force once again, making herself feel it all over the tree, all over herself, all over his Master, the desert and the whole planet.
Up.
The tree did rise a little higher when she felt blood coming out of her nose.
“That’s fine. That means I’m trying hard enough”
She kept pulling, out of pure fear of failure, even though every muscle of her body was screaming at her to stop and her head was pounding violently. But it wasn’t enough, she needed to have the whole tree floating above the ground.
Her legs started trembling, a drop of blood touched the ground, but she couldn’t stop.
-Good- she heard through the Force. It was his master’s voice.- Keep going.
She had to keep going.
She felt the tree weakening as fast as her. The last root escaped from the soil. The tree died.
She opened her eyes and saw it, lifted, as his Master had ordered.
Her arms were shaking uncontrollably, and the branches started doing too. She knew she was going to drop the tree, she couldn’t keep it like that for much longer.
-Now move it closer to you- her master ordered.
“I can't, ” she begged in his mind, but she didn’t dare to say it out loud.
She really tried, but she felt too lightheaded to keep concentrating. She started to lose touch with the Force, and the tree fell, almost touching the ground.
- ¡Don’t drop it!- Dooku demanded, anger coming from him in waves.
She felt fear, he may punish her. She felt hate toward him for making her do the impossible.
Clenching her teeth, she managed to keep it floating, but she could hardly do that, let alone move it towards herself.
“Come on, just one last effort” she demanded herself.
Her bones hurt, her head was going to explode, she felt like throwing up, fainting or both.
“One last effort”
She had to do it.
The tree staggered closer, rising and then falling back down until it almost touched the ground again, as she could not keep its powers under control. Her hands trembled and so did the tree.
She was pretty sure there was blooding coming from her ears too, and her legs hurt just from supporting the weight of her body.
She dived even more into the Force, determined to do as her Master had told her, out of pure hate, to show him she was not weak. But there, deep in the Force, she felt a wall. She could not get past it, it was blocking her powers, she was losing control…
As if the wall had hit her, she was knocked out. The tree fell down, her powers no longer able to keep it in the air.
She hit the ground second after the tree did, unable to keep standing either. She coughed blood, but even that was painful. Her ribs hurt terribly, and she realised she could not breathe. All of her bones hurt, and she really thought her head was going to explode.
-Today's lesson: - she heard his Master, as if he was under the water, or very far from her- Pain makes you stronger.
She could not breathe
“How long have I been without breathing?” she managed to think before losing consciousness.

Chapter 11: Day 11: Body swap

Summary:

Anakin and Obi-Wan swap bodies. Anakin discovers the scars his master’s got on Kadavo. Obi-Wan discovers a terrible truth about his padawan.

Notes:

Alt 4 used.
TW: Mention of self harm.

Anakin woke up, his head hurting terribly. A moan of pain escaped his lips. He looked around, trying to figure out where he was, fighting against the fog that clouded his thoughts.
He saw a kind of cave. Well, not a cave, but he was somewhere underground, he could feel that. Plus, there was not much light there, barely enough to see. Why was he there?
He closed his eyes, trying to focus.
Obi-Wan, he was with Obi-Wan. He couldn’t feel him though, not close at least.
But, what had they been doing?
A mission, he guessed. He began remembering an ancient object… with a weird connection to the Force, yes. He then smiled, remembering what had happened.
“Don’t touch it” Obi-Wan had warned, of course.
Anakin, of course, had scoffed and touched it.
Seeing his current state, maybe it hadn’t been a great idea, but thinking about it wasn’t worth it. He had to find Obi-Wan, after all.
Carefully, he stood up, thinking about finding a way out of there. Maybe it was his dizziness, but he felt weird, as if he was… shorter, closer to the floor. He looked down.
-Hey, what happened to my robes?- he demanded out loud,
He was wearing white robes instead of his dark ones. These ones looked alarmingly similar to his master’s robes… wait. Almost scared of what he could find he touched his face.
-Force…
Unless he had been knocked out for like a month, he was pretty sure he didn’t have a beard. Then, he touched the back of his head, and instead of his curly and thick hair he felt a straight one. Definitely scared now, he looked at his arms, hands, legs. White skin with freckles was all he saw.
-Oh my Force- he whispered, feeling even worse now than when he had just woken up.
He started to feel hypersensitive. The absence of his hair touching the back of his neck, the way all of his muscles felt different, how he had a different perspective of everything from his height, the way he could feel his right arm…
He looked at it with amazement, opening and closing his new hand. He had never really gotten used to his robotic arm. Somehow, it never did quite what he wanted, and having both arms again, being able to even feel the touch of the air against it, was like a dream.
If it wasn’t for how conscious he was about everything, he would have sworn it was a dream.
Suddenly, he felt something on his back. An itch that soon felt like an ache.
Anakin knew too well how scars felt on skin, but seeing how much his back hurted, these had to be fresh or… huge.
Feeling numb, he untied his belt and took off his robes and the shirt underneath.
With difficulty, he touched his back, and what he felt almost reduced him to tears.
The scar grooves crossed the whole back, crossing with each other at some points, forming nodules of scar tissue.
He trailed them with his fingers. Some of them even reached his abdomen.
Anakin knew his master had scars, mainly from the last years, since the clone wars had started, but this…
“Kadavo,” he realized.
He hated remembering it. His Master had been made a slave, something he wouldn't even wish to his worst enemy. He hadn’t been able to protect him from that, and they had rescued him too late. The zygerrian scum had already hurt Obi-Wan, physically and mentally, and that was something Anakin would never forgive himself for.
Seeing his eyes after that made him feel like he felt on Tatooine after his mother's death. Knowing that he had lost hope on those mines, that he had thought he would die down there, even if it had been for just a moment, made him want to kill them all.
But feeling the scars, feeling them as if they were his own, was worse. The guilt was too much. He knew what slavery was like, he should have fought harder to save his master from that.
“I have to find him” he told himself, filled with terror and self-hatred.
Obi-Wan was nowhere to be seen, maybe he was lost in that cave, and he needed to see him, to apologise.
While putting the robes back again to cover the evidence of what he hadn’t been able to prevent, he reached the bond they shared, and noticed he was still unconscious, but at least he was alive. Following his instincts, he ran out from there, determined to find his Master.

-

Obi-Wan woke up startled. He sat up too quickly and he had to close his eyes immediately, as he felt like something had exploded behind his eyes. He calmed his breathing down, trying not to throw up.
Carefully, he opened them again, slower this time. He tried to figure out what he was doing there. He had been on a mission. Yes, and Anakin had been with him. They were investigating some old artefact that they thought had some sort of connection to the Force. Then… oh.
Anakin had touched exactly what he told him not to touch, obviously.
He stood up with a groan, and started looking for a way out. He couldn’t remember the room he was in, but the stone walls and dim lighting looked familiar. He was in the same place, then, but perhaps he had been teleported to somewhere in the cave, far from his friend. Or perhaps the cave had changed while they were unconscious to separate them, who knows. Anyways, he needed to find Anakin. He didn’t know where or how he was, he could still be unconscious.
He put a hand on the wall to help him find his way in that dark place, and what he saw froze him.
That was not his hand. That was not his arm at all.
That was Anakin’s robotic arm.
“What the -” he thought. “Am I still dreaming?”
He looked down, only to notice that his robes were now black and brown, instead of his classic white ones. He then felt like his feet were too far away.
“I’m taller” he realized, his eyes wide open.
But wait, were those really his eyes? The conclusion dawned on him: somehow, he was on Anakin's body. The clothes and the strange feeling of being in that unknown body only confirmed it.
He began to feel dizzy. This was definitely something new. He tried to move his hands and arms, move his legs, taking some steps forward and some back, trying to get used to it. The robotic arm was definitely a problem: it seemed to be harder than he expected to make it do what he wanted.
He felt bad for never having asked Anakin about it. He thought he was fine with it and his former apprentice never gave any signs of being uncomfortable. He should have paid more attention, cared more about him, but with the clone wars and everything that had happened…
Speaking of him, he should find Anakin, he thought, trying to stay away from those dark memories. Through their shared bond, he felt that he was alive and very much awake. He felt a kind of panic from his side, so he sent a wave of reassurance. He could feel relief, but the panic didn't disappear.
Anakin worried so much about him that it only made him feel worse. Anakin had had to mature too quickly, but he was still very young and cared deeply about everything, he shouldn't forget it.
He started moving, trying to find him. As he walked, the situation turned more and more uncomfortable. He found it difficult to coordinate his legs, given his new height, his right arm felt too heavy, he felt like floating, his senses overloaded with so much information about his current ‘situation’. His joints started to hurt and he didn’t know if it was something that happened to Anakin's body or if it was his mind, feeling like a stranger in there. He felt an intense itch on his left arm, and he scratched it, trying to calm it. But that only made it hurt instead.
What now, he thought, kind of tired of all of this. He wanted his body back, this situation was ridiculous.
He rolled up his sleeve to find what was bothering him, kind of expecting something equally weird, like a green rash or a small form of life sucking his blood out, but what he saw left him breathless: scars.
Thin and white scars that crossed his forearm. Many of them, parallel to each other.
Seeing scars on Anakin’s body was normal, he had always been reckless and loved taking unnecessary risks, but this was different. This had to be intentional.
The mere thought of his ex padawan hurting himself on purpose made him want to throw up.
“I have to find him”
He started walking faster, almost running, following his bond, knowing Anakin was at the other end. Finally, at the end of a corridor, he saw him.
It was kind of creepy to see himself being moved by someone else,his consciousness being separated from his body. Still, he knew it was Anakin, he wasn’t dreaming, because he could feel his intense confusion, fear and guilt. His face was pale, but then Obi-Wan saw how his anxious eyes went from his face to his arm. He was still holding the left forearm, and the sleeve was still rolled up, so the scars were visible.
Anakin face turners whiter.
He stopped right where he was, and Obi-Wan did the same.
-Master… I…
- Why? - was all he could ask. He didn’t have to explain what he was talking about.
Anakin's eyes turned wet, and he frowned, angry and ashamed of how much it affected him.
-I- I’m sorry Master, I… You- you don’t have to worry about it, I don’t know what happened, I s- swear, it won’t happen again, I- I’m s- sorry…
His voice was shaking, and Obi-Wan couldn’t stand it anymore.
-No, Anakin- he said, softly- I’m the one who should be sorry.
He looked down, ashamed too. He should have known when and why, when he had felt so lonely that self harming had seemed like the only option…
His train of thoughts stopped when he felt Anakin sprinting towards him and hugging him.
- I’m sorry- he repeated against his neck, and Obi-Wan's heart shrunk a little bit more. But before he could say anything, Anakin spoke.
- You shouldn’t feel like it is your fault, really. It’s just… I was feeling like a complete failure- he admitted, in a whisper- Far from home and from anything I ever knew, always alone and unwanted.
He swallowed. Obi-Wan knew he was trying not to show any pain or distress in his voice.
-My fear, rage and anger never disappeared, even if Master Yoda told me they would eventually. I… I’m really sorry. I didn’t know any other way.
His voice disappeared, replaced by a sob. Anakin couldn’t hold it any longer and started crying. Those had been dark times, and even if he was better now, Obi-Wan knew remembering them always hurted. It felt like being there all again, living with that constant pain, happiness and innocence long gone.
Obi-Wan hugged him tighter, trying to comfort him. Something told him this was the first time he talked about this issue out loud, with someone he could trust. It was kind of reassuring, knowing he trusts him so much, but feeling his pain and fear of not being understood, he knows that that was not how Anakin wanted him to learn about his scars.
Slowly, the crying stopped, and the sadness turned into something lighter, but still present. However, the guilt was still there, like a punch in the guts.
-Anakin, you don’t have to feel guilty, it was not your fault…
He looked him direct in the eyes before he could finish the sentence.
- It’s my fault -he declared, fiercely- What does it matter if I am the Chosen One if I can’t protect the ones I love? What does it matter, if I wasn’t able to save you from Kadavo…
Oh.
-You saw the scars
The tortured look on his friends' eyes confirmed it. That was why he was feeling guilty even before he saw Obi-Wan: he had seen, or rather felt, the scars.
- Anakin, there is no way that was your…
-It was- he repeated, without bitterness, as if it was just a fact. - I know what slavery is, what it can do to one's mind, and still you were captured. I should have fought harder, I shouldn’t have let them get you. But I failed.
This time it was Obi-Wan who hugged Anakin. He buried his face on his neck.
-I’ve never blamed you Anakin, never. We are Jedi, we know the risks, and I was willing to take it. I wish I could say something that made you believe this, but it is not your fault.
On Kadavo, he had felt for a short period of time what Anakin had lived for nine years. His ex padawan feeling responsible for it was not fair, nothing that had happened in their lives was fair.
Now Obi-Wan was also crying, out of frustration and helplessness, and soon they were both silently sobbing in the empty corridors of the cave. “It’s okay” they repeated again and again, to one another and to themselves, out loud and through the Force.
It’s okay

-

Still on his master’s body, Anakin knew it was not okay. But he hoped it would be someday so he kept repeating it, even though guilt was still stuck on his and his master’s hearts.

Notes:

The longest for the moment!! I´m kind of proud of this one, hope you like it :))

Chapter 12: Day 12: Die a hero

Summary:

Darth Vader/Anakin's death

Notes:

Alt 5 used

Vader guesses he should have died on Mustafar.
Even better yet, he should have died on that ship, so many years ago, when he and his Master had rescued Palpatine. That way, he would have been remembered as Anaking Skywalker, Jedi Knight, a hero.
But instead, he had lived, and he will always be remembered as Darth Vader, a monster, a murderer, a Sith.
He had been all of that, of course. He had committed atrocities, killed thousands of people, he had enjoyed destroying a planet. He had done everything the Emperor had told him, and he didn’t let himself anything but hate.
And pain. Indecible pain.
And now, at his end, he keeps feeling pain.
Pain because he remembers everything he has done (How could he forget). Pain because he had his daughter just in front of him and he tortured her and blew up his planet, his family, his future. Pain because he almost killed his son.
He guesses that everything has always been about the people he had loved.
He turned to the dark side for Padme and he returned because of Luke. How poetic.
Luke looked at him, and Anakin was looking at him back.
It was not an easy thing to understand now, right after his life, full of horrors, had passed through his eyes, but he knew he had always been Anakin.
He had tried all his life to convince himself that he had killed him, but the reality was that Anakin did all of those things. He had done it. At first, it was all for Padme, then, because of his anger, and then, because he didn’t remember anything other than seeing red and causing pain to others to alleviate his own. During all that time, he had kept the thought of being anything but Darth Vader in the bottom of his mind, locked there.
Now he understood that Anakin hadn’t died a hero because he was a monster, he was Darth Vader,
But maybe, that could change now.
And he couldn’t imagine a better place to die than in his son’s arms.

Chapter 13: Day 13: "I don't trust anyone else"

Summary:

After what happened with order 66, Ashoka can only trust Rex.

The nightmares woke her.
She had seen the face of his friends attacking her, their eyes full of bloodthirst, so determined to kill her she had feared for a moment she might have really done something terrible to deserve it.
It was only a dream, but her fear stayed because she knew it had been real, it had happened.
She heard steps outside her quarters.
Someone was coming to end her.
Her lightsabers were on her hand seconds before the door opened.
Rex.
All of her fear disappeared in an instant.
Slowly, she put her weapons down, calmed her breathing and looked at him. His eyes looked concerned, but also sad. Almost as if…
-Nightmare?- he asked, gently.
She nodded, not relying on her voice to sound steady.
-Then I'll leave you- he said- I'll let you calm down.
He turned around
-It was not your fault- she managed to say.
He stopped right before leaving the room, with a hand on the door frame.
-It was not your fault- she repeated, hurting to see the surprise in Rex’s eyes when he looked at her. - Seeing your face after a nightmare doesn't trigger me. You don't have to go.
Rex stayed completely still.
-Rex?
He swallowed.
-I… Well, I wouldn't blame you if you found it hard to trust me, after… what happened. - he admitted.
Ahsoka exhaled.
-Rex, I don't blame you. What happened that day was terrible. I know you have nightmares too. We both lost a lot of friends that day. But it wasn't your fault, Rex, you have to believe it.
After that, Rex couldn't help but to smile, a side smile that showed his relief and gratitude.
-I believe you- he whispered- It's just that… when I see you suffer because of it, it's a little bit harder to remember it wasn't my fault.
Ahsoka nodded, understanding.
-You know what? You are the only one I trust right now- she confessed.
Rex melted after those words. It was something terribly sad to admit, because it remembered them of all they had lost, but at the same time it was reassuring.
They were both heartbroken, but at least something hadn't changed: they had each other.

Chapter 14: Day 14: Becoming the monster

Summary:

Dooku reflects of all the decistions that have led him to this moment.

Dooku tries to catch his breath as the ship abandons Geonosis.
- Where to, sir? - the pilot droid asks.
-Serenno- he says, dryly.
He needs to return to his home, a little bit of familiarity after the last months of planning a war.
But it was worth it in the end, everything had gone according to plan. The fact that he feels a tightness in the chest is irrelevant.
But, since they have achieved their so long awaited war, his thoughts start to wander in all kinds of directions. After all, he was trained as a Jedi, and he got used to analyzing every feeling he had, searching for anything that could lead to the dark side.
He laughs softly, seeing the irony in it.
His train of thoughts is out of control, though. It tells him that the tightness has to do with the fight he had with his master. It felt so much like the times they fought as training, back when he was a padawan, but at the same time they both knew this time it was not a game. They were both prepared to kill and die.
He has gained some perspective through the years, since he abandoned the Order. He guesses this duel was something that had to happen. He has lost all the values he thought that made him who he was in order to save the Republic from corruption and it has finally taken him to the point where he is willing to kill his master. To definitely break the most sacred bond he has never had.
“I guess it was meant to happen” he told himself again.
It all started as an altruist decision. Save the galaxy from their rotten government, save the Order from politics. Then it evolved. Help the ones who shouldn’t decide for themselves because they don't know what is good for them, show the Jedi that the Dark Side is only a way to have better access to the power the Force offers you, show Qui-Gon, Rael, Syfo-Dias, Yoda…
The tightness in his chest grew.
Most of them were now dead, or will be, if the plan of his new master was carried out correctly.
They wouldn’t understand, anyway.
He had tortured and killed. But he would do it again. A new order would come, where the only ones who would have power would be the ones who deserved it, the ones who were willing to sacrifice everything to achieve it.
He guesses they would call him a monster.
He calls himself a saviour.

Chapter 15: Day 15: Icarus

Summary:

Anakin flew too high, too far from the order. Now he only wishes to bring the fire he felt there to end them all.

All his life, he was feared. When he crossed paths with a Jedi, they treated him as if he was going to explode. They even made him feel afraid of his own potential.
But that is over now.
They told him to refrain himself, so learn control over his powers, but just because they are the ones who want to have control over them. They didn’t want him to realise that he is so much more powerful than all of them.
All his life, he has felt as if his hands were tied and his eyes closed.
First, he felt useless. “Everyone must have the same powers as me”, he would think, “boiling inside them as well, but they know how to control them while I don't”.
Then, he felt frustrated. “Why don't they let me learn, I can be so much more”, he would think, full with exasperation.
Lately, he has been feeling angry. Angry at all of the ones who had wanted to keep him controlled, who had thought they could keep him controlled.
The truth was that they feared him, and they were right doing so.
But that is over now.
He is free now, he has almost unlimited power, and for the first time, it feels right. The anger has settled inside him, the wilderness of his powers finally free, and it feels right.
He hates the Jedi and, now, he knows they are all traitors and liars. They told him not to feel his emotions too much because they knew the power behind anger and hate. He feels now much more powerful than he had ever felt.
He has seen the fire that the Force helds, and he has been strong enough to bear it. After all those years of keeping his powers hidden inside him while they fought to be free, it was liberating.
He knows now that the Jedi are all weak, so he will bring that fire to them.
And they will burn.

Chapter 16: Day 16: On the run

Summary:

Obi-Wan runs from his past. He remembers everything he has lost.

Notes:

Alt 8 used

Obi-Wan needs to get out of here. He feels as if his mind is killing him, Tatooine reminded him too much of everything he wanted to forget.
Everything had started there, after all.
But he knows running away is not an option, not any more. He has a last mission to accomplish.
It hurts so much, though.
Each time he smells the deserts and feels the sand, he remembers when he first saw Anakin. A small kid, who brought that smell to him for the first time, who taught him that life wasn’t as easy on every planet as it was on Coruscant.
Each time he looks at the two suns, he can’t help but to think about himself and his master.
He thinks about Qui-Gon a lot these days. Yoda had told him he could see him again, that he had reached immortality through the Force, but the truth is that he doesn’t know if he is ready.
For so many years, he would have done anything to have just one more minute with his Master. To ask him what he was thinking, why did he leave him, why did he ask him to train a Chosen One he had never believed in, “I was still too young” he wanted to tell him.
But now, he realizes he doesn’t know if he really wants to see him. He hadn’t had time to mourn him properly, he had had to get used to life without him in a glimpse. He had thought about him, of course, every time he didn’t know what to do, how to act, but he didn't have time to think about forgiveness. Because the truth is, he thinks he blames Qui-Gon for at least a part of all his pain.
He had abandoned him, he had died and made him promise to take an apprentice while knowing he wouldn’t even see him become a proper Jedi Knight in his ceremony. He had put so much weight on his shoulders, and for what?
Anakin is not the Chosen One, he never was.
Qui-Gon made him train a boy when he still had his padawan braid, of course he wasn’t ready. He saw that boy grow, he formed a strong bond with him, he raised him, taught him everything he knew, but in the end he couldn’t help that cold, afraid little boy that he met on a spaceship so many years ago.
He loved that little boy, of course he did. They kind of grew and learnt at the same time, they were brothers. He had a magnetic energy, it was impossible not to love him, to feel amazed by his powers and the way he seemed so unbothered about the whole prophecy thing. He was becoming such a great person, a great Jedi…
But he failed miserably, not only his Master, but Anakin too.
Qui-Gon found him on that kriffing planet, then died and passed the burden to a too young Obi-Wan. How could his Master think it could possibly work?
Now, his heart is broken to a million pieces, everything he loved is forever lost.
He wishes he could run away, as he did on Mustafar, as he did on Coruscant. Run away from his mistakes.
But he has already run from who he was, all he stood for, and his mistakes still haunt him.
He guess he has already run away too much. He ran away from the Empire, and now he has to finally settle down and take care of another small boy.
Luke.
A boy that will always remind him of his father. That will always remind him of Anakin’s agonizing face on Mustafar, of his last words to him, of the smell of hate, betrayal and burned flesh, of the day he watched the person he loved the most being consumed by flames, knowing he was the one who had killed him.
Because he could run away from everyone,even himself, but never his past. He could blame Qui-Gon, think of his death instead of Anakin’s, but he could never forget.
Because, in his mind, he will always be on the run but his sins will always catch him.

Chapter 17: Day 17: Power instability

Summary:

Anakin has to fight Ahsoka. He doesn't want to kill her, but he doesn't know how to control his powers.

Since they arrived on that planet (or what they have thought it was a planet), he had felt the Force stronger than ever. He had felt it inside him with such an intensity he thought it wanted to break his bones and flesh to escape from him, nothing more than a human prison.
As the following events developed, things started to make sense. How the Force grabbed him, without letting him move, how he couldn’t tell what was real and what was not, what was alive and what was dead.
He knows what it's like to be lost in a power so big it takes control of your actions and mind, but he can’t get lost there, not when the two people he loves the most are trapped on that planet with him.
Unfortunately, Ahsoka it's making it quite hard.
-You will be forced to kill me- she had said, with a voice that sounded not like the young and brave togruta he knew.
It sounded like the Son.
The Force and his anger mixed up, and it felt as if he was going to explode.
When Ahsoka first attacked him with her two green lightsabers, all he could think was “don’t hurt her” Because even though it killed him to even think about, he felt in his guts it was a possibility. He was trying to avoid his lightsaber, to avoid fighting at all, but these powers inside him were pushing him, making him believe he wanted a real duel, he wanted to win…
-I don’t want to fight you Ahsoka- he said out loud, trying to snap his padawan out of the spell but also trying to convince that part of him of it, the part that was raging for taking control, to let all his power out.
Fighting against himself made him let his guard down, and Ahsoka kicked him in the face. He really had to remember that this was his apprentice to not kick her back. He hated himself for even thinking about it, but the voice told him that was what he wanted…
This time he waited for her, still on the floor, his saber far away from his hands.
Rage was building in his chest, and that was not good since his powers seemed to feed on his anger. Anakin was sure it was the Son mind controlling Ahsoka and that didn’t help either, because he felt nothing more than hate when he thought about him.
The next time she attacked him, he was waiting for it.
-Getting ahead of yourself, aren’t you, Snips? - he tried to joke, but he knew it sounded bitter.
-¡Don’t call me that, I hate it when you call me that!- she spitted out, furious as well.
But Anakin knew it wasn’t her, it was a lie, and it was killing him. Refraining himself began to be mentally exhausting, and it was affecting the way he fighted. His moves began to be more aggressive. He started confronting her, stopping all of her thrusts, and each time he pushed too strong or began an offensive form, he hated himself. He could seriously hurt her, but the power inside him was boiling, doing everything in order to escape, in order to take control, release all his potential and end it all. He was the Chosen One, he could end that in a second…
But those thoughts weren’t really his
He couldn’t let it happen, he couldn’t…
But this place, Mortis, was getting under his skin. It was confusing and destabilizing him. He was getting tired of fighting against the enormity of the Force.
He had to stop this, but Ahsoka (the Son) really wanted to kill him, and he couldn’t let that happen either, Ahsoka would never forgive herself if she did.
But if he let his power free, if he lost control even for a moment, he could kill her.
He was getting tired.
End it all, the voice said, and he fighted against himself as well as against his padawan.
And it was killing him.
The panic grew each time he couldn’t control himself properly, and the Force obeyed him, making his movements lethal.
He had to resist, but it was boiling, burning him from the inside.
He had never felt so lost in the immensity of the Force, not able to find the surface, drowning.
And it was killing him, knowing he was a danger to the ones he loved.

Chapter 18: Day 18: Living weapon

Summary:

In this universe, is Wolffe who has to kill Plo Koon.

-Good shot commander- General Plo Koon said through the comm.
-Thank you, General- Wolffe responded with a smirk.
-Not as good as mine, but you know, it was decent- he teased.
-Of course General- he answered - You are the best pilot of us all.
-Oh, I don’t like the irony in your tone, my commander, you know it hurts my feelings.
Wolffe heard laughs coming through other channels of the radio, and he joined them, smiling fondly.
Going into battle with him was always like that. Plo always tried to lighten the situation, making them forget, even only for a few seconds, that they were fighting for their lives in a war.
Still, sometimes it felt odd. To be valued, to feel important for someone other than his brothers.
But Plo Koon is part of his family now.
He always reminded him and his men that the clones deserved to be alive, not for how good of a soldier they were, but for their existence itself.
Sometimes it’s hard to believe it, but Plo will always be there to remind him again.
He snapped out of his mind when he saw he had a transmission from Coruscant.
-Put me through- he said to his astro mechanic.
A holo image appeared.
“Chancellor Palpatine” was all he could think of, before…
-Execute Order 66.
Something changed on him.
It felt wrong. He didn’t feel like himself.
Wolffe was famous for never stopping worrying, but this was different. It was not a voice in the back of his mind telling him everything will go terribly wrong, it felt as if someone had taken the reins of his will and he had been left aside, inside a cage, just able to watch how his body moved.
“Good soldiers follow orders” was all he thought of, his mind filled with it, repeating the sentence as his mantra.
He and all his brothers were proud of having free will, of being able to question orders, but a direct order from the Chancellor was not questionable.
And he was telling him that all the Jedi are traitors.
-Yes, sir- was all he said, and the transmission ended.
“Good soldiers follow orders”
He had been trained on Kamino. He wasn’t a defective clone, so he followed the order.
He executed it, he transmitted it to all of his battalion, and got prepared to fire.
Plo Koon had to die. He was his General no more, he was a traitor to the Republic.
And yet, Wolffe wanted to scream, snap out of this illusion, because it couldn’t be real.
He saw how Plo’s ship was on the target. He wanted to scream.
His finger touched the trigger.
He wanted to fight against his own mind, he wanted his hands to tremble, he wanted to hesitate. He wanted to fight against the invisible rope that had him tied in the back of his mind, unable to take control of the situation.
He didn’t want to do it, and yet most of him was ready to kill him, no hesitation whatsoever, no tremble on his hands
“A good soldier follows orders” he muttered through his gritted teeth, or at least a voice that sounded like his.
He was touching the trigger. He wanted to pull it.
But that couldn’t be him, not really. This Wolffe was full of rage and hate towards the Jedi, but the real Wolffe knew Plo had been his friend, one more member of his pack, he had loved him.
Still, his face was serious, determined, and his hands were steady.
Wolffe felt as if he was very little, bound in the back of his own mind, and someone else had taken control of his body and actions. The voice repeating the mantra didn’t sound like himself anymore. He just wanted to stop. Plo could be a traitor, but he was part of his family.
But a good soldier follows orders.
But the Jedi were traitors.
He fired.
For one second, the last three years flashed through his eyes, all their shared memories. When they had joked, When they had fought together, when they had saved each other, forming a strong bond.
He wanted to scream, cry, yell.
He didn’t say anything, nor move. He just watched Koon’s ship get hit and go down, smoke coming from the engine. It crashed, but Wolffe knew he was dead before it.
It was done. And hopefully, he found himself thinking, Jedi all over the galaxy will be dying too.
But still, the part of him that was still conscious loathed himself.
He had told himself a hundred times that he would die to save him.
But Plo Koon was dead because of him, and he wanted to die too, he wanted to scream at his brothers “this is wrong”...
And still, something was making him believe this was the right thing to do.
Because he had never really had any free will, he was just another weapon in this war, and the Jedi were traitors and they would all die.
“Good soldiers follow order”, wereWolffe’s last thought as the small part of him that had been trapped in the back of his mind died.
It died with Plo, hoping he will meet him somewhere on the other side.

Chapter 19: Day 19: Death wish

Summary:

Din’s death wish to Grogu

Notes:

I sobbed while writing this one so I hope you like it :´)

Grogu was next to the bed.
He was tall enough to see his face if he stood up, but to be fair the bed was almost touching the ground. Strands of his short white hair fall over his face, but he couldn’t bring himself to remove it.
Because in that bed laid his dad.
Grogu was still too young to be given his own helmet, to swore the Creed, but he was sorry for it because he didn’t want his father to see his face now, full of tears that run from his eyes all the way to his clothes and the bed sheets, deformed by his expression of pain.
He wanted a helmet so he could look as calm as his dad, as if nothing of this was tearing his soul apart, as if the mere thought of losing him wouldn’t destroy him. He should be used to the concept of death, he had seen so many, he had always known he would lose his father way before than he should because life wasn’t fair and it took humans too soon.
He should be strong for him, Din Djrin, his dad, the person who saved him and loved the most.
The person Grogu loves the most too.
But too many years had passed for him.
Not too many years, but enough years. They had had time to be happy, grow together, as people and as a family. Grogu knew he was more than happy with the life they had shared, and Grogu knew his time had come, that he was ready.
But Grogu wasn’t.
He couldn’t leave him, he wouldn’t bear it…
-Grogu- he heard, in a whisper.
-Dad- he replied.
His inner world of thoughts was rich and complex, but it was still difficult for him to put them into words. “Dad” thought, was a word that came to him as easy as breathing.
-Grogu- he repeated. He knew his father was smiling even though he couldn’t see his smile. He wanted to tell him to stay quiet, stay calm, he needed to rest. His chest was barely moving, he knew talking was hard for him…
-I still remember when you were just a baby, you know?- he continued. -You have grown up so much since, I am so proud of you, have I told you?
Grogu could only nod, the lump on his throat not allowing him to say anything. He had told him.
And even if he hadn’t, Grogu could feel it. That’s why this was particularly difficult for Grogu, because he could feel what his father felt. He felt weakness mixed with pain. He felt his immense love towards him, his son, and a deep sadness.
Sadness because Din Djarin, the Mandalorian, his father, knew this was a goodbye.
-I am so proud of you, my son.
-Dad- he cried, and it sounded like a beg.
Din chuckled affectionately, and even this sent waves of pain to his lungs and whole body, a pain Grogu could feel as well.
-Dad, please, stop- he managed to say. He should sleep, rest, not talk with him, spending the last drops of strength he had left.
- I want you to do one last thing for me- he said, his voice barely a whisper. He coughed violently, because of the effort. His chest shook, but still tried to endure the pain, only a little longer…
Grogu’s heart sank, it felt as if he had lost it. And in its cavity, only infinite pain and sadness.
“One last thing”
-I want you to take my helmet off- he asked, his voice weak but determined. -I want to see you with my own eyes again, son.
Grogu stepped backwards. No. His dad had made an oath, he wouldn’t break it.
-You are more important than the Creed- Din murmured, as if he had read his mind.
No. His father couldn’t be asking him that. This couldn’t be the last moment they would have together, it just couldn’t be.
-Grogu, come here.
His voice seemed to have gained strength, clearer and louder. Grogu obeyed him. He took his hands between his, trying to say that he would not let him go.
-I am dying Grogu- he said nevertheless.- There is nothing you can do, and it’s okay. We lived a great life, yeah? But I just want to see your face through my eyes, just one more time, please.
Grogu was ugly crying again.
“I am not prepared for bear loss again” he wanted to say.
-I love you- Din promised, because it was that, a promise that will never break, even if he left.
With shaky hands, not wanting to think on the implications this had, he finally took his father’s helmet off.
The face he saw was known yet unfamiliar.
Age and sickness had not been kind to him. He had wrinkles around his mouth and eyes, his cheekbones were too sharp, one could almost sense the skull behind his face, and his hair was as white as the snow that covered Mandalor some months of the year.
Yet he was smiling, now he could actually see it.
His dad traced his face with his eyes, his hands still trapped between Grogu’s.
He tried to smile, be as strong as his father.
-You are strong. -He assured, reading his mind again- but promise me you will be happy without me.
“No. I can’t. You can’t leave”
-Promise- he said, fighting against his pain and weakness.
-I love you- Grogu said through his tears.
And he knew that was enough for his father, Din Djarin, the Mandalorian.
He smiled lovingly at his son, the Child, one more time. The last time.
His eyes became empty, his look lost in the distance. His chest didn’t move.
“I love you dad” he cried, eyes shut, the vision too painful for him.
For he was alone again.
His father was gone and all Grogu could think was that he loved him.

Chapter 20: Day 20: "I did good right?"

Summary:

Kanan asks his master if he did good, as he dies

He knows what he has to do. In his mind, there is no doubt.
He thinks about his crew.
Zeb, he has been like a brother to him, he knows he will take care of their family.
Sabine, she is like his daughter, so fierce and determined. He hopes nothing will stop her anymore to become the person she is meant to be.
Ezra. God, it hurts so much to see his face. He knows what he is about to do, and that will destroy him, he knows it, but he is a Jedi now, he will always be with him.
Hera. She’ll understand. She will suffer but she will recover because she is the stronger person he knows. He notices how beautiful she looks and that only gives him more strength. He has to do this, she has to live.
He knows they could have had the future they always dreamt of, but that future had become the present the last night, so he is more than happy to give his life so Hera can still have a future.
He thinks about his family.
When the Jedi Order fell he thought he would never find another family. But here he is.
He thinks of his Master. She is always in his heart, but in moments like this it feels like she is next to him, lending him her strength.
“I did good, right?” he asks
He never imagined himself having a padawan, and yet he is so proud of Ezra. He would like her to tell him he did a good job teaching him.
He never imagined himself falling in love either, yet he is so proud of what Hera and him have made, how far they have gone from where they were.
Now he will die for them the same way his master died for him, and he would close the circle.
“I did good, right?”

Chapter 21: Day 21: Put on display

Summary:

Leia is put on display as Jabba’s possession. She hates it.

Leia had felt like a muppet before. Each time he had to pretend to be something she was not for the rebellion. Each time he had to hide his disgust and utter hate towards the Empire on formal meetings, each time she had to pretend to feel something she was not feeling, all for the rebellion, for a greater good.
Each time, she hated it, but this time was different.
This time it was not her feelings or her actions that were controlled, this time it was her body.
And this time there was no greater good behind it.
She was chained, next to Jabba the Hutt. Every inch of her body that touched his slimy body disgusted her, every inch that was exposed itched, feeling vulnerable as if someone would attack her at any moment.
She supposed they could, and Jabba would do nothing.
Or perhaps he would get angry, because she was now his proprietary, and that thought was worse. She was no one’s but her own.
She saw bounty hunters, slavers, Tatooine’s scum, looking at her. They ate her naked skin with their eyes, as if she was really just an object, and she wanted to kill them all for that, for looking like that at her and to anyone else.
The touch of the chains on her wrist was burning her from the inside, the rage building since she had set a foot on this planet. She will burn this place to the ground, she promised herself.
She had always been angry, at least since she had been old enough to understand what the Empire stood for, and now that anger felt like it was going to explode, each inch of naked skin, each part of his body that touched Jabba only reminding her how much she hated the world. A world that lets things like that happen everywhere everytime.
But it didn’t matter how badly she wanted to stop feeling like a muppet, feeling the chains, she could do nothing, because fighting was not an option.
Still she didn’t know what to do with all her anger, so she just kept feeling it, feeling his skin touching Jabba’s, people’s hungry eyes on her, the chains, while her disgust, frustration and rage grew bigger and deeper, killing her from the inside.

Chapter 22: Day 22: "Grab the little one"

Summary:

Barris experience as an Inquisitor

Barris knew the Empire was kidnapping children, of course she did.
Force sensitive kids should be under the Empire’s control or die, they were a potential threat, and while Barris didn’t particularly like their policy, she understood it. At least the Empire stood its ground, ruling with iron fist unapologetically, not like the Jedi, who had worn a mask, pretending to be keepers of the peace while being guilty of the war and the corruption of the Republic.
Still, Barris was not ready to actually take a child away from their family’s arms.
They were in a village on some planet in the Outer Rim, and they had entered one of the houses. The Fifth Brother had torn the door off its hinges with the Force, igniting his red lightsaber. It had revealed a rodian family,all together, curled up on a corner of the small hut.
A rodian male appeared out of nowhere, yelling to catch their attention, trying to stop them, but it was useless. He died seconds after, the red blade going through his chest, his eyes wide open looking at his family for the last time filled with terror.
The children cried, the woman that was protecting them with her body told them to run. And that was their second mistake. Barris was still on the entrance of their home, blocking the only way out they had, so the kids could only run a few meters before bumping into the Inquisitors.
The Fifth grabbed one of them by the arm and the rodian woman claimed for mercy. And Barris found herself facing the other two kids, two boys. Surprised, she noticed that the little one was the one they were looking for, she could sense the Force in him.
He couldn’t be older than three.
-Please- begged the older one, keeping his little brother behind him, trembling out of fear but looking at Barris mask, right into where her eyes were,
-We’ve come to get the little one- she warned. There was no room for arguments in her statement.
-Please, he's just a baby- the mother speaked, her eyes going between the dead body of her partner and her sons.
-Grab the little one- the other Inquisitor ordered, and everything turned into chaos.
The two boys tried to run away, going past her, but they could not avoid her lightsaber and she could not avoid her instincts, that made her just stroke the older brother without thinking about it.
The woman screamed, pain in her voice, the cry ending in a sob.
Suddenly, Barris was far too conscious about everything. She saw the toys the kids had probably been playing with before they had arrived. Through an open door he could see a room with two beds, still unmade. She saw how the house had drawings everywhere and she knew they had been made by the youngest kid.Then he looked at that kid's eyes, looking at the corpse that still had the saber going through his chest. She saw fear in those eyes, she felt it, even more intense than when his father had died. That kid, no older than three, was looking at his dead brother’s body, and she had killed him. The kid had seen how his brother had died because he was trying to protect him.
A second after, the lapsus ended and everyone was moving again.
Screaming, raging, the other boy, the one the Fifth Brother had in his hands tried to free himself, fight against his aggressors, but he couldn’t. The woman tried to stop him but she couldn’t either. The boy died first, then his mother. The last thing she did was look at all the dead bodies that surrounded her. Her sons, her partner, killed. The light in her eyes went out, and the last thing she felt was not terror, but pain, excruciating pain, because she knew she wouldn't be able to protect the last member of her family that was still alive.
Barris didn’t remember anything else from that day. They just took the boy with them, and left the broken family and the broken bodies behind them.

Chapter 23: Day 23: Gunshot wound

Summary:

Modern AU. There’s a war and Anakin loses Rex to a gunshot wound.

-I demand to see my Captain!- Anakin roared, his teeth greeted in impatience and frustration.
-I’m afraid he is not in his best condition, it is better if we just leave him…
-I will see him. Now- he growled.
Frowning, the nurse let him in the tent and left, obviously annoyed. Anakin almost pushed him out of his way, eager to see the state of his friend.
Given his rank, Rex was there all alone. He didn’t have to share his tent with dying men, listen to their cries as he himself suffered, see how they would carry their corpses out, covered by a bloody sheet, but for a second Anakin dread the silence that welcomed him.
He approached his Captain. He wasn’t sleeping, despite all the meds Anakin knew he had taken to reduce the pain. His eyes were looking into the distance, empty of all emotion, his forehead all sweaty and his chest moving irregularly.
Seeing him like this broke him, killed a part of him. He will never forgive himself for letting this happen to Rex.
He should have been there, by his side, like they had always been.
But he had been assigned to another unit, they had only been separated by a few miles, it was going to be fine…
In each battle, Anakin lost track of time. Everything was just dust, guns noises and the smell of blood sticking to his skin. He always tried to focus on small details to help him focus, or the enormity of war would drive him crazy. The pain in his hand from pulling the trigger too many times, the sand touching his face as he lay on the ground, the sun burning his neck.
And when all had ended, it was already late.
He had returned to the camp, tired, looking for Rex, to spend the evening with him, relaxing.
At first, he couldn’t find him, but surely he was all right, there was no need to worry.
And then, someone, he couldn’t recall who, had informed him with a shaky voice that Rex had been wounded.
Shot in the abdomen.
Brave, kind, compassionate, clever Rex.
So, there he was.
It had to be a nightmare, yet there he was. Focusing on Rex’s heartbeat as he would focus on his own while on a battle. Looking at his partner's eyes, trying to find something that will assure him that he will be fine in them.
He shook him softly.
-Rex?- he tried.
Nothing.
-Rex
This time, he snapped out of wherever his mind had been. Slowly, his eyes turned and met Anakin’s. He tried to smile, but he wasn’t sure if he had managed to look too convincing.
-Hey- Rex said, almost surprised to see him.
-Hey- Anakin repeated.
Rex analyzed his face, and said nothing, as if he was still processing where he was and what had happened. Finally, slowly again, he smiled.
-I’m glad you’re here.
-Of course- Anakin assured fiercely.
-Are you all right?- the blonde asked. Anakin did not know how to feel about that question. Rex was wounded, losing blood, under indescribable pain, and he had the guts to ask him if he was okay?
-Of course I am, stupid, what about you?!- he couldn’t help himself but to almost shout at him, desperately.
-I am glad you are here- he repeated, a small smile still on his face. Anakin breathed in and out to calm himself and remember that Rex was probably drugged.
-Yeah, but what about your abdomen? Does the shot hurt too much? I could call the nurse…- he insisted.
-No, it's fine. I don’t feel anything.
Rex said that as if it was something good, but Anakin felt there was something wrong still
-Too many meds?
Rex frowned, and looked up again, as if he was looking at something invisible.
-No, not too many meds. But the nurse told me I wouldn’t be able to feel anything under my waist. Ever again.
Anakin's blood ran cold. The world surrounding him disappeared, he felt like floating.
He had said it with such ease…
-No, that can not be true, she would have told me about it- he denied, angry again, but not at Rex. He didn’t know with whom he was mad, but he wanted to have someone to blame. Even better, something to punch.
- It can’t be, Rex, your wound is not that bad, it was just a regular shot on your side, you have faced worse, I’m sure.
Again, he wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince Rex or himself.
Rex’s eyes were empty again, and Anakin knew he wasn’t getting anything of him for now.
Carefully, checkin Rex’s expression looking for any sign of pain, he removed the sheet that covered his friend’s body. Surely it couldn't be that bad.
But what he saw left him breathless. He was sure his heart stopped for a horrifying second.
It was not a bullet wound, at least not from just one bullet. The whole left side of his abdomen had disappeared, replaced by a mass of coagulated blood and broken flesh.The sheets underneath him were red, yet the wound was clean and it wasn’t bleeding anymore.
Anakin felt like throwing up. His hip was visible, the bone too white against all the red.
Scared to death, he realized how the skin under the injury was not red, it was pale blue. In fact, despite the light being dim in the tent, he could see his whole body was too pale.
-Rex- he tried to call. His voice sounded weak, but he needed to be strong. His friend needed him more than he had realized.- Rex, stay with me, can you hear me?
He didn’t respond.
He went to touch him, to shake him again, but what he felt froze him. His skin was cold, too cold, covered with sweat. Not wanting to think what that could mean, he went to his wrist, searching for his pulse. He looked at his chest looking for a steady breathing rhythm.
Realization dawned on him.
Anakin knew war too well to not be able to recognize how blood loss looked. And Rex had surely lost too much, for his pulse was weak and his breathing far from regular.
-God, Rex, you need help- he whispered. Shock was settling in his brain and body and he could not let that happen.
-Somebody, please, help!!- he shouted.- He needs help, NOW!
Finally, Rex moved.
-Why are you shouting, my head hurts… - he whined.
Anakin felt terrible for causing him more pain, but he really needed to get someone there, soon, or else…
-Medic here! Help!- he continued.
Nobody came.
He had to do something, act quickly, so hating himself even more, he ran away from Rex’s side.
-I’ll be back- he promised.
But he couldn’t even get out of the tent before bumping into someone.
-Hey! What are you doing here?
-He has lost too much blood, he needs help! - he shouted at him, startled but relieved.
And yet, the nurse did nothing.
Angry and wanting to cry, because each second that passed he was closer to losing Rex, he grabbed the man by his arm and took him inside the tent.
-He needs help!! What are you waiting for?!- his throat was sore, he really felt like a child asking for something impossible, and he didn’t like that.
Tired and angrier than ever, he turned around to look at the other man. He saw he was looking at Rex, then looked at him. He was… sad?
-What are you waiting for?!?!- he roared. There was not time to be sad, Rex was dying and…
-Rex Fett, fatal wound on the abdomen, I'm afraid there's nothing we can do for him. He was given meds for it to be painless but…
-NO! How can you give up?! He's not dying, do your DAMN job and SAVE HIM!!
He was lying, Rex was not going to die, not under his watch.
He grabbed him, tried to force him to come closer, to look at his patient because surely there was something he could do. The man didn’t take that too well, and tried to resist, which only made Anakin angrier, because how could he not look at Rex, save him…
Perhaps someone had shouted, because suddenly there were more people in the tent. Strong and familiar arms embrace him, keeping him away from the medic. Unconsciously, he knew it was Obi-Wan, but he felt as if he was under water. He could not hear anything, he wanted to shout but it felt as if his words were not heard, as if only bubbles came out of his mouth.
“He can’t die, he can’t die…”
Anakin could not tell when, but at some point he had stopped fighting against his friends arms, and he was on the floor, his legs feeling too weak. He could hear Obi-Wan’s voice now.
-It will be okay Anakin, it will be okay, calm down, they are only trying to help, okay? It will be okay, it will be painless…
That last sentence made him come back to his senses. Yet he remembered Rex’s injury and feeling the most intense pain he had ever suffered, he knew.
His whole body hurt. He felt as if his soul wanted to tear apart his chest, to run away from the pain and the loss. He felt as if he couldn’t breathe.
-I want to be by his side- he said, nevertheless.
If he was doomed to lose him, he would see him again. If these were the last moments they were going to have together in the same world, they would spend them together. If Rex was going to go, he would do it beside Anakin, as they had done everything; together.
-Very well- Obi-Wan responded, sadness in his voice too.
He felt like he was still underwater as he approached Rex again, as if the tide was pushing him backwards, but finally he was next to his friend, holding his hand, as if it had always been like that, both of them holding hands, nothing between them.
But Anakin could feel a gap, something that was threatening to break their bond.
Because Rex was dying.
Still he held his hands because he had to ignore that gap, he had to be strong for both of them one last time.
-Hey - he brought himself to say, trying not to think about how Rex had said the exact same thing when he had come to visit him right after the battle, when he still believed it was just another wound that would add to his friend's scar collection…
He did not let his mind follow that path.
Rex looked back at him, and found Anakin's eyes. Even though his consciousness was getting lost in the fog that the pills had created, he recognized Anakin's face.
And Rex smiled one last time.
He didn’t have to say anything, any word was useless in that situation, and any thing they could have wanted to say, the other one already knew.
“I love you”
“I don't know how I'll keep going without you”
“I don't want to leave you”
“I'll miss you”
“Goodbye”
They said that and much more with just one more look, and yet sooner than it was fair, it was over.
The little light that was left in Rex’s eyes went out, his smile forever frozen, the soldier's loving expression as a last farewell.
Anakin looked away, not wanting to ever remember how his dead face looked, only how his partner's expression had looked when he was alive, happy, laughing about something stupid he had just said.
Anakin freed Rex’s hand, not wanting to learn how cold his skin could get.
He just curled down beside his bed and cried, an angry and pained sob finally escaping from his chest.

Chapter 24: Day 24: In another life

Summary:

Obi-Wan sees what life could have been if Anakin hadn't fallen.

Notes:

ALT 9 used

Obi-Wan was really fighting back this time, every defensive move completely forgotten, he was just attacking him, with sword and the Force, with all he had, not holding back.
He was so focused on beating the Darth Lord finally, keeping him away form Leia and himself for ever, that he didn’t see it coming. He wasn’t prepared for when his lightsaber broke through his opponent’s helmet, revealing the human face that hid behind it.
As soon as he saw it, the spell was broken.
Because it was Anakin.
His padawan, his friend, his family, his everything.
But also a walking reminder of his failure. Of what he hadn’t been able to do on Mustafar and of the pain that action had caused.
“Anakin” he managed to say.
He wasn’t unfamiliar with pain, but this was different, more bitter, because he knew he had been there before, falling apart.
-Anakin is gone
And with those words, Obi-Wan knew this time it would be even worse, because this time he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to face what he had made Anakin become, what his neglect and cowardice had caused.
-I am what remains- Vader continued and there, for a second, Obi-Wan could have sworn that he had heard Amakin’s voice, clearer than in any of his nightmares.
And for a second, he couldn’t help but to imagine him now, as his friend, not as a monster. Like in a vision, he saw how his face would be, ten years older than he remembered. He saw his smile watching over his newborn twins, over them now, while they all played together. He saw the smile he would show him if they were still together, their bond only stronger.
He could sense, for a second, how everything could have been in another life.
And the pain that crushed him only grew bigger and deeper at those thoughts, because he knew it was all a lie, the only thing that was true was the machine that stood before him.
-I am sorry- he said, and he was begging- I’m sorry Anakin. For all of it
And saying his name out loud reopened the wound, but he had to do it because he meant it. He was sorry for not being enough for him, for not helping him when he could and not ending his suffering when he should. He is begging for forgiveness to a person that is long gone, reopening a wound that never really healed, but he loved Anakin too much to acknowledge all of that at that moment, when all he is seeing is the face of the only family he had left. He can’t acknowledge that he has no family left now, no when he just heard his voice again.
Because he loved Anakin too much and he still does.

Chapter 25: Day 25: Bound and gagged

Summary:

Anakin can’t do anything while his master is being tortured.

The sore rope was cutting through Anakin’s skin, his waist bleeding, making his hands, bounded behind his back, sticky. The gag that covered his mouth made it difficult for him to breathe, yet even if he would have been able to, he wouldn’t have dared to fill his lungs with air. Every little movement felt too much, felt like he was challenging the ones who had Obi-Wan’s life on their hands.
His master was in front of him, no need of bounds on him because he was just unable to move. Cuts covered every visible inch of his skin, already dry blood covering them. His eyes were almost closed due to the punches he had received on his face. He was on the floor, sat down but looking like a puppet. Anakin hadn't seen how they had hurted him, but he had heard everything. His screams, his muttered cries of pain, him yelling, telling him to run, to escape, to save himself. He heard how they broke his ribs and how he choked on his own blood, which flooded his lungs. He heard how they ripped off his skin, and how they cut his sinews.
While all of this happened, he had wanted to fight, to snap and kill them all, to end their lives as slowly as they were hurting Obi-Wan, to break those stupid ropes that were keeping him away from his master and end it all.
But, for the first time in his life, he was completely helpless. He could not even use the Force because as soon as one of the people that were doing that to them felt something off or saw one of his men die, he would kill Obi-Wan.
There would be no hesitation or doubt, Anakin knew it. If they only suspected he was onto something, if he even dared to move too much, his master would be dead in seconds.
He guessed, seeing his master now, unconscious and covered in his own blood, that maybe he would have done him a favor if he had made them kill him. He hates himself more than he has hated anyone ever for thinking like that, but at least it would have been less painful and quicker.
Still, he couldn’t bring himself. He cannot be responsible for the death of the person he loves the most to him in the galaxy, he can't learn to live in a world without Obi-Wan in it.
Now he was shivering, all of his muscles hurting for being stiff for so long, every joint of his body burning, his waists still bleeding, the strings reopening the wounds over and over again, his throat sore for having the gag for so long, and his eyes dry after having cried for so long, the tears the only thing that gave away that he was hearing everything they had done to Obi-Wan.
Yet still he couldn’t move because they could still kill his master, and that couldn’t happen. He had to live.
So he just had to stay like that, looking at his dying master, his whole body aching but dreading how it would never hurt as much as Obi-Wan was hurting. He had to keep looking at him, his screams still echoing in his head, knowing at any moment they could do everything all over again but being unable to stop them.

Chapter 26: Day 26: councealing an injury

Summary:

Padawan Ani hides an injury fearing Obi Wan would think he is weak.

Looking into the mirror, Anakin can no longer pretend it’s just a scratch. There was no doubt that the blaster shot had hit him, but pain was nos stranger to him, so he had just endured it, waiting to be in the Temple, so he can rest and everything will be alright. His wounds had always healed faster, after all.
But it doesn’t look like this one will heal fast, though.
The wound was on the left side of his abdomen. It was like a trench on his flesh, open, bloody, red all around it. He could see where the blaster had burnt him, and where the wound had reopened, sending waves of pain at the pace of his heartbeat. Each time, it burned, igniting his whole body with the pain. Moving made him want to throw up, every movement opening more cracks on his burn, blood coming out of them and making everything more messy.
He didn’t know how to treat it, that was for sure, and still he couldn’t bring himself to tell Obi-Wan.
That thought mixed his pain with guilt.
For a Padawan, one’s relationship with their Master is the most sacred bond one could share, he should be able to tell him.
But an irrational fear was making him stay still, unable to move. A fear that told him that Obi-Wan would call him weak. He had managed to get hurt on his first mission, he was useless as an apprentice and as a Jedi.
A fear that told him that Obi-Wan would take him back to Tatooine if he learned about his wound. He would realise that Anakin wasn't the Chosen One, just a slave from a desert planet and would make him return where he belonged.
The fear that paralyzed him when he thought about it only made him feel more guilty. His mother was on Tatooine, still a slave, going back to her shouldn't make him want to throw up.
And still, he knew he couldn’t go back there, he just couldn’t.
A noise near him made him snap out of his spiral of pain and guilt, only to be replaced by the fear of being discovered.
Mirrors were not usual in the Jedi Temple, so he had had to go to a public restroom to look at his wound.
-Anakin, are you there? -a voice said as he quickly put his robes on again.
Great, it had to be Obi-Wan looking for him, of course.
-I'm here Master! - he responded, trying to sound calm.
-Are you all right, Anakin? You are never late to our sword practice.
Anakin‘s panic grew as he heard his Master coming closer.
-I'm alright- he lied, fighting with the belt, trying to close it around his clothes. -After our mission I had to adjust to the Coruscant climate, that's all, I was just feeling a bit dizzy.
When his Master entered, Anakin looked at him, trying to hide his horror. But he just looked down at him, let out a sigh and spoke
-Let's go, then.
-Yes Master- he managed to say.
The guilt returned, the truth not told, burning him. But the fear was still there, keeping his mouth shut.
The thought of the practice that awaited him only made him think of more pain and suffering, but he would endure it. Pain was not unknown to him, after all.
He was not weak.
He will be a Jedi.
Greeting his teeth, he followed his master, each step making his abdomen hurt more badly. He felt sick, but he was not weak.
The image of his wound, open and bloody, never left his mind, but that only made him more determined.
He wouldn't get hurt on the next mission, and if that meant enduring the pain now, let there be it.
He will be a Jedi.

Chapter 27: Day 27: post-victory collapse

Summary:

Rex collapses after Umbara

Pong Krell is dead.
Pong Krell is dead and Rex's instincts kick in. He begins to think about the procedure: he would have to write a report, the Council would probably want him to testify, (surely a lot of paperwork was ahead of him), he would have to tell Anakin and Ahsoka about what happened…
It is this what makes his train of thoughts stop.
He hadn’t thought about his General and his padawan since that moment. What would he tell them? Anakin would be furious of course, and Ahsoka will be too, but also worried about them. Anakin had only been away for a few days, and this happened. It was not his fault, obviously, but to Rex’s surprise, he finds himself blaming his general nevertheless.
He had abandoned them, left them in Krell’s hands. He went away and this happened.
“There was no way he could have known”, the rational part of him tells him.
“He is a Jedi, he should have known” the impossibly hurt and damaged part of him tries to justify. And it’s a part of him he knows it will never heal, not completely, so Rex listens to it because it is louder. Pain is always louder.
He knows it is not Anakin’s fault, but he is their general and he wasn’t there when they were being massacred. When they were being used as toys in an imaginary war. “Maybe it was the will of the Force” the voice says, ironically, and Rex hates that it sounds like Anakin’s.
“Maybe you deserved this” and now he can’t tell if it is his general’s voice or his own.
All the memories he had been trying to keep away are right there, ready to haunt him, and he can’t run away because the voice is too loud.
He stops feeling the ground under his feets, or his surroundings, or even his body.
He sees them, all of his fallen brothers. He is familiar with death but they didn’t deserve this,, dying for a mere game, for Krell’s amusement. He sees Waxer. He had died by the hands of one of his brothers. Damn it, he could have died by his hands even, he could never know.
“He told us they were wearing our armour”
The pain in his eyes will be forever carved in his soul, his pain was his pain too.
“You have killed your brothers” the voice says.
He hates autocompassion, but the voice is too loud.
He hears gunshots, and he knows each one means one more of his men, his brothers, is dead. He yelled to stop firing, he shouts it now once again, or so he thinks, because the voice is telling him it is not enough, Krell’s plan has worked, he has fooled you, it’s your fault.
The voice is too loud.
- Capitain?
“You have killed your brothers. It’s your fault”
He blames Krell, Anakin, the Jedi, this war, and yet there's nothing it can be done about it, and that thought is even worse than all his hate and loss.
“Capitain”
Someone or something touches him, and he snaps back to reality. With his anger making his blood boil, he reached for his guns. No one will ever hurt him or his brothers again. They will have to go through him.
Before shooting, he looked at who was before him, with his hands up, palms facing him, showing there was nothing on them.
“Kix”
Terrified, he puts the pistols down. All he could think of was his brother, kneeled down next to the wounded men, healing them, talking to them, comforting them.
-I’m… I’m sorry… I- I don’t know w- what…- he made himself say, even though he still doesn’t feel his body and all he can see are dead bodies.
-It´s okay- he cut him, which Rex thanked, because he had no word to explain what had happened.
Apparently, Kix had.
-A panic attack. It’s quite common after traumatic events, just as the one we all just lived. Don’t worry about it, just listen to me, focus on what is real, it will soon be over I promise…
Rex did focused on his voice, because it was nicer than the one on his head, and started to sense his body aging. It felt uncomfortable at first.
-Just… don’t blame yourself, don’t listen to your guilt, okay?- Kix continued.
Rex wondered how many times Kix had felt guilty when one of his patients died, or how many times he had had a panic attack. He guesses far too many. His advice had described what he had felt too accurately for it to be casual.
Rex began acknowledging his surroundings past Kix and himself, hearing more than just his pain and anger, and feeling his body completely.
The wounds were still there, the part of him that was forever destroyed.
So he just collapses. He falls to his knees and he is crying, begging, and falling apart.
Kix touches him again, hugging him, but this time it doesn’t matter.
He has failed his men because too many are dead, and he is failing them again by not being strong, by crying his eyes out for what he has lived, for what he has to remember forever.
But he can’t stop because it is his fault, he knows it, and nothing could ever make him change his mind.

Chapter 28: Day 28: Recovery

Summary:

Crosshair recovers from the experimentation he suffered on Tantiss

Not every day is easy.
Some days are harder than others.
Some days are easier than others.
But the hardest thing is to believe that he deserves to recover at all. That he deserves nights of sleep without waking up startled, completely alert and scared, with a knife poking the chest of whoever decided to wake him up from his nightmare because he was crying and begging for mercy. That he deserves to not be afraid of falling asleep in fear of it to happen again.
Omega has told him a hundred times that recovery is not something you have to earn, is not something you can deserve or not, and that they are his family, no matter what.
Still, he can’t help but to feel like a monster whenever he feels like he would kill anyone, even a member of the Batch if he ever suspected they would make him go through it all over again. He feels like a monster for even thinking they could possibly do that, the ones that had saved and accepted him when not even himself would have saved or believed in himself. He feels like a monster when his whole body tightens whenever someone shows a bit of affection towards him, when he flinches whenever someone touches him, no matter how gentle. He feels like a monster when he's angry at everyone for no reason, at every smile he sees, angry at every sound, colour, smell he feels, he’s even angry at himself for being alive and being so angry. But he can’t escape from the anger, it sticks with him as if it was a second skin, as if Crosshair had disappeared and everything that was left of him was that infinite anger. He feels like a monster whenever he snaps at someone, when he snaps at Omega, his girl, who is alway trying to help, and he feels like a monster that hates only himself when he sees the small tears that appear in Omega’s eyes as she just turns around, thinking it’s better to leave him alone for a while when all he wants to do is apologise to her a hundred times.
So yeah, some days are easier than others.
But something that will never disappear is the feeling that he doesn’t deserve to be helped, to be cared about, to recover.

Notes:

So this is the end! It's been an amazing challenge, i'm happy for having participated in it and proud of having made it this far!! It's been an amazing journey, thank you all sm for all of your kudos and comments, it really means a lot to me <3 <3 <3