Beyond the Horizon

by Theorchid_91

Summary:

After a big tragedy, Laura must, once again, save her mission but this time the battle is for Jack´s soul.

Notes:

I do not own the characters (except the ones I added myself) nor do I profit from writing this text. I just like this universe so much that I sometimes play with it.

Chapter 1: Guilty

March 15th 1974    

      Robb´s funeral was held three days later. Laura had spent the first night in the hospital, but they sent her away the next morning. She went home to change and then left a coded message for Alexei in the P. O. box requesting an urgent meeting. But there was no answer in the days that followed. She was nervous and angry, not to mention the overwhelming guilt that hit whenever she thought of Robb. She tried to rationalize it, to put things into perspective, Robb had become a risk to her mission, so it made sense for the Centre to put a target on his back. It hurt, nonetheless. She tidied up the house, organized her papers from the university, and even did a workout in the living room. Still, she couldn't sleep and could barely eat.

      Jack came home on the day of the funeral. He insisted on being released early from the hospital to attend. Tom was there too, so she was free to go to Stella’s to support her friend. Laura wanted to help Jack get dressed first, but he sent her away protesting that he could do it himself. He was clearly in pain. Not only physical pain. In fact, that seemed to be the lesser of his concerns. Something deeper. Laura knew that he was shutting her out to protect her, but she could sense that something about him was different, broken.

      She went to Stella’s house. Emily and Alice were already there, doing their best to keep her sane. The three of them had helped Stella choose a dark suit to dress Robb in for the funeral and tried to get her to eat something. She looked like a ghost of her former self, and it was only the fact that she was five-months pregnant that forced her to eat some bread and a glass of water.

      The day was beautifully sunny which was a clear contrast with the feeling in the air which was heavy. Laura would never forget the pale figure of her friend standing silently before Robb’s casket as it hit the ground. The calm dignity of someone who had already cried every tear they had in their body. After making sure Tom was looking after Jack she went to stand by Stella’s side with Alice and Emily.

      After the service, everyone gathered at Stella and Robb’s house. Friends and neighbours brought food, and, despite the sadness, it was clear how much Robb had been loved by everyone. She looked to each of her friends and realized that, for that particular group of people, Robb´s death had a different meaning, it was the death of their youth.

      Stella sat in an armchair, receiving condolences from one relative after another. She took the time to talk to each of them in her usual polite manner, but Laura knew she was hardly listening to anything they said. Her body was there, but her mind was very far away.

      After a while, Laura saw Jack slowly approaching Stella. He was in pain, she could tell, but he held himself stoically, his face conveying only friendship and the guilt he had carried since the moment he learned Robb had died.

      “Stella…”, he began, holding her hands in his, “I know that nothing I can say can bring him back. But I want you to know that your husband died bravely and that I owe him my life. He was the most generous and kind man I have ever known, and I want to offer you my deepest condolences. I also want you to know that I am here for you, for your child. You don’t have to be afraid of being alone, Laura and I are here for you.” Stella cried and hugged Jack.

      Laura stood next to her husband and nodded. She was proud of him but couldn't help but feel an odd sense of discomfort in seeing Jack offering to help raise another woman’s child. Then she reproached herself. Not only was this the right thing to do, but Robb and Stella’s child was probably the only one Jack would ever be able to raise, at least as long as they were married. And she refused to think about Jack’s life after she left.

      “Jack, you need to rest, now. At least sit on the couch!” she chided him softly. He let himself be helped to the couch by her and Tom. She then sat next to him arranging the pillows so he would be more comfortable.

      “You weren't upset with what I said, were you?” he asked hesitantly.

      She smiled at him. “No Jack! I was proud of you. You are the kindest man I have ever known.”

      “I know we will have our own kids one day, but I meant what I said. I don't want that child to grow up without a father… well a father figure, I don't mean to replace Robb…”

      “I know what you mean, Jack”, she replied, feeling a knot in her stomach, “I know he would do the same for you”.

      “Thank you for understanding, honey. You are perfect, do you know that?” His look of adoration and gratitude only made her feel more guilty. Guilty for Robb’s death, guilty for Stella’s despair, guilty for Jack’s love, and guilty for the children they would never have.

Chapter 2: The aftermath

April 1st 1974   

      Two weeks after Robb's death they had all taken turns keeping Stella company. Laura less than the others, because Jack was still recovering from his wounds. His early release from the hospital had left him debilitated and he had ruptured several stitches at the funeral.

      Now he was finally starting to recover, and she felt authorized to spend a whole afternoon with her friends. The idea was to cheer up Stella. After the shock, her doctor had recommended caution but had authorized small strolls around the neighbourhood.

      They walked for about twenty minutes, then sat on a park bench talking. The day was sunny but cold. The three of them exchanged trivialities, glancing nervously at Stella from time to time to see how she was doing. They tried to get her to be excited about the baby. But she seemed detached from reality, even when it came to her child.

      “I haven't chosen a name yet”, she finally said in an indifferent tone, “Bobby was the one with the ideas, but we hadn´t settled on one yet”.

      “You have time”, Emily reassured her, “I can lend you my own list. I´ve been collecting names since I was a little girl.”

      Stella forced herself to smile, thanking her friend for her generosity. “I think I would like to go home now. I´m feeling tired and my back is killing me.”

      “Of course, my dear”, Emily replied, helping her get up.

      “I also have to go; I have a shift. Will you girls take care of our favourite whale?” Alice joked, trying to lighten the mood.

      They went home and had dinner together. Then they sat on the sofa, watching a random movie on the TV. Stella was still complaining of back pain, so they adjusted her pillows several times.

      “You don´t look well, Stella”, Laura said, “do you want me to call your doctor?”

      “No, it's just back pain. It will pass”

      Emily started to explain how back pain was normal in the second and third trimesters and that she had read extensively on the subject, but Laura wasn't convinced. Stella looked unwell. She was visibly in more pain than she was letting on. After calling to check on Jack, she returned to the living room. By then her friend looked even paler and more uncomfortable.

      “Stella, I really think we should call your doctor”, Laura said firmly.

      “No, I´m alright”. But as she repositioned herself on the couch, Stella suddenly stopped and let out a soft cry as she clutched her stomach.

      “What's wrong?” Emily asked anxiously.

      “I think… maybe Laura is right, we should call Dr…”, another wave of pain hit her, and she screamed louder. Laura rushed to her side, followed by Emily. When she tried to get up, the floor beneath her feet became soaked with blood, as did her dress. Emily panicked, but Stella looked strangely calm. She was going into shock. Then another scream set Laura into action.

      “Emily, get the car!” she shouted. But Emily was paralyzed in horror. She shouted again, this time in a harsher tone. “For God sakes, Emily, wake up and get the car!” Only then did Emily move, tears running through her cheeks. Laura continued to hold Stella by the arm, supporting her weight.

      “It's alright, we will get you to the hospital. Walk slowly, I´ll help!” She reassured her friend as she helped her into the car, sitting beside her in the back.

      “Just go, Emily. As fast as you can”. Stella was screaming in pain again. Her cries were excruciating and the pool of blood forming in the car seat and in their clothes was growing by the second. She would soon lose conscience.

      “Oh my God, Laura!” Emily cried after seeing the blood in the rearview mirror. But Laura was more worried about keeping Stella awake. “Stop crying Emily, and drive”, she barked.

      When they got to the hospital, Stella was very pale and barely conscious. Emily went to find help as Laura tried to drag Stella out of the car. A nurse and a doctor met them at the entrance with a wheelchair and expediently took Stella inside. Laura and Emily followed walking slowly and in silence. They both knew what was happening to their friend, and they felt powerless to help.

      After an hour, Alice came out to tell them that Stella had suffered a miscarriage. She was out of danger, but the doctors had sedated her to help her rest. Laura stormed angrily out of the room as soon as her fears were confirmed, but Emily stayed there listening to the whole explanation until the end.

*********

      She was sitting on a bench outside the hospital smoking a cigarette when Emily approached.

      “Here you are.”

      “I´m sorry”, Laura replied without looking at her, “I had to take a walk to clear my mind”

      “Of course,” Emily smiled reassuringly sitting next to her friend, “I didn't know you smoked”, she added pointing to the cigarette.

      Laura shrugged. “I don´t. I asked a nurse for a cigarette”

      “It's normal to find silly outlets to cope with pain. The first time it happened to us, Arvin bought barbecue. For all his accomplishments, grilling meat is not really his style”, Emily said calmly.

      Laura looked at her, surprised by the revelation. “I didn’t know…I´m sorry.”

      “No one did. We didn't tell anyone. We hardly speak of it. It was very early on.”

      “I´m sorry Emily. For that and for the way I spoke to you before”.

      “You were right to scream at me. I was being silly and useless.”

      “No, you were scared. And you had every right to be, forgive me.”

      Emily nodded, accepting the apologies. “It was a little boy, like Stella wanted. Robb had wished for a girl, you know? Like all sensible men do. I bet Jack will want a girl as well”, she smiled at Laura and continued without waiting for an answer. “Although I´m not so sure about Arvin. He never told me either way.” Emily paused for a few seconds, before changing the subject. “You are great in a crisis! I would love to have that ability, I´m always so damn nervous.”

      “And yet you are great at dealing with the aftermath”, Laura replied. Emily might seem silly sometimes, but there was a surprising stoicism about her.

      “I am, right?” Emily said confidently “Let me take you home then. There is nothing more we can do here tonight”.

***

      Laura entered the house with a sense of foreboding. She was sad and dreaded having to tell Jack about what had happened. He was dozing off on the living room couch, but opened his eyes when he heard her come in. Laura smiled sadly at him, but instead of doing the same Jack looked at her with an expression of absolute horror. He jumped from his seat, much faster than his convalescent state would advise. She was startled at first but then realized that her clothes were all covered in blood. It took some time to convince him that she was fine, that it wasn’t her blood. He was trembling, tense, and didn’t quite register when she told him about Stella and the baby. Robb’s death, the shock, the painkillers, it was all confusing him. He seemed so small and scared; she felt herself being ripped apart by guilt. He held her in his arms as if he was holding his whole world, until he finally fell asleep. Laura didn’t dare to move the entire night. But try as she might, she couldn’t sleep.

Chapter 3: The end of the cycle

April 8th 1974   

       A week later, Stella went home, but Laura kept avoiding paying her a visit. She felt guilty and thought it was easier to just use Jack's condition to avoid it. For his part, Jack had been silent and gloomy since he returned from the hospital. He was avoiding any kind of conversation, and, despite her best efforts, she couldn’t reach him. Alexei hadn’t responded to her request for a meeting, which left her without orientation on how to proceed with her mission. She was doing things mechanically, going through the motions of her university work. Finally, after three weeks, she made herself ring Stella´s bell.

       “I´m sorry it took me so long to come”, she said nervously.

       Stella invited her in. “Don´t worry Laura, I know you had your hands full. I´m the one who´s sorry for all the drama”, she replied in a blank tone.

       “Don´t be silly, Stella!” Laura protested. “How are you feeling?”

       “To tell you the truth, I´m feeling next to nothing. They have me on a bunch of meds”. Stella was moving around the kitchen, preparing coffee for them.

       “Alice told me you were going home to your parents in Georgia”

       “Yes, I need to get away from here.”

       “I understand, but I thought you hated it there”

       “I hated it for Bobby”, Stella replied shrugging, “They weren´t to kind with him back home. I tried to protect him, to give him a family. I guess I focused on the wrong danger.”

       “Stella, Robb´s death was a tragedy. It wasn´t your fault!”

       “I know that, but I can´t help but to feel guilty”, Stella was staring at the coffee mug. Her eyes looked empty, like the eyes of someone who had cried every single tear in her body, “he was my best friend, ever since school. He was the sweetest boy, the kindest soul I´ve ever known. I still don´t know why but I took it upon myself to save him”

       She paused for a second, looking at her friend surprised. “I…I think you were very brave to do that”

       “You thought I didn´t know”, Stella replied with a faint smile, “He was the brave one, he wanted to fight it. He didn´t want me to make a ‘sacrifice’. But I loved him, and I couldn’t stand what they did to him back home, and even here, at work.”

       They stood silent for a few seconds. “He was lucky to have you”, Laura said finally, hugging her friend.

       Laura left soon after that. There was little else to say and they both knew it. As she walked back home, she tried to make sense of her own emotions. Stella had been her first American friend. The first friend ‘Laura Lewis’ had ever had. For three years they had shared the kind of complicity that reminded her of her relationship with her own sisters, back when she was Irina Derevko. And now she was disappearing from her life. Losing her was more painful that she could have anticipated. But she had always known that Stella was a means to an end. As she opened the door to her own house, she realized that the first cycle of her mission was ending. Now she had to regroup and plan for the future.

****

       Two months after Robb´s death, life had fallen into its usual rhythm. Somehow, however, nothing looked the same. Jack was back at work. She was swamped with end-of -year paperwork and her students were having breakdowns over their exams.

       Jack´s mood remained unchanged. He withdrew more and more and spent most of his time in the office. She tried to respect his space, but she missed him and worried about him. Sometimes she was able to get him to smile a little when she surprised him with a kiss, but he refused to talk about how he was feeling. Only in the intimacy of their bed did he allow himself to be emotional. He wanted to be close to her, he desperately sought her out. Nonetheless, as soon as she tried to talk to him, he closed himself off again.

Chapter 4: A greater access

May 17th 1974               

      “Hello Laura, you seem well”. She was meeting Alexei in a half-deserted car park in a nondescript part of the city, just outside Riggs Park. After more than two months without contact, Laura was beginning to feel stranded when she answered a call to her university office. It was a wrong number. She put the phone down absent-mindedly before realising it was a contact from her handler. On her way home, she stopped by the post office and there it was: what appeared to be a flyer for a plumbing company in Fairlawn, but was actually instructions for a meeting.

      “I don´t, but you know that”, she replied irritably, “and given the recent developments, I hardly could be.”

      “You´re young. Tragedies have less impact on young people, something to do with the dimension of time…”, he mocked.

      “Was it really necessary to kill Robb?” She asked impatiently, without bothering to reply to his provocation. She realized that the decision had been made to her benefit, but she would do anything to distance herself from Robb's death.

      “You´re too intelligent to ask that question, Laura”, Alexei shrugged, “don’t try to play the innocent bystander with me. Agent Carter’s death is as much your fault as it is mine”. He took pleasure in belittling her, and the fact that he was right only made her angrier.

      “I didn't know it was protocol to leave an agent stranded in the middle of a very precarious situation. I´ve been requesting a meeting for more than two weeks”. She threw back.

      “We have taken every step to protect your cover”, he paused to light a cigarette, “you're being childish”.

      “You left me in the dark, which in the very least is irresponsible!”

      “You are more than capable of handling yourself. And you were busy being Bristow’s nurse”, Alexei smiled sardonically, “I thought you might like to take some time to enjoy it, especially since the Centre is thinking about ending your American adventure now that Project Christmas is coming to an end", he added nonchalantly.

      The information hit her like a punch in the stomach. She knew this day would come, but that didn't soften the blow, especially now, with everything that had happened, all the pain she had endured, it wasn't fair.

      “They haven't got the final report yet. How do you know they are closing it down?”, she managed to say with some difficulty.

      “It's happening in the coming months. You know that as well as I do.”

      “I can still be of use here.” She protested. She wasn't ready to leave Jack and he couldn't afford to lose her, not so closely after Robb.

      “Eager to stay, are we?” He baited her. “Your mission here has been a success so far, but we have protocols for a reason. Once a mission has fulfilled its purpose, it comes to an end. It’s time to give way for other agents, comrade”.

      “You want to target other CIA officers”.

      “In short. Bristow is interesting, yes, but he’s a well that is running dry. We need to aim higher”

      “I see”. Laura replied dryly. She was calmer, now. Her mind had processed the news, and she was assessing the situation, calculating her next move.

      Alexei threw the cigarette butt to the floor and stubbed it out with his shoe. “Actually, that is where the Centre could use your help. They want you to compile a list of potential targets. They have their own candidates, of course, but your insight could help narrow the choices.”

      “You think it's so easy to send an agent to a mission like this? You think someone else will have the same success I had?”

      “I haven't said it´s easy. No one is trying to diminish your accomplishments, Irina”, he laughed and gave her a curt theatrical bow.

      “Don't call me that!”

      “I think you need to be brought down to your place, girl”, his tone was now threatening, “You have been successful in your mission, but not without your share of mistakes, and I would like you to advise our new trainees, back in Moscow, so they can do a better job. Because that is what is important here, to do a good job for our country. Not your overly inflated ego!”

      “What if I told you that my access is far greater than you imagine?”

      He paused for a second, studying her. “I would advise you to be very careful with your next words Derevko, we have special cells in Lubyanka for those who fail to follow their orders”.

      She withstood his gaze without flinching. “Jack told me what he does, months ago. He shares with me details of his missions and other CIA projects. Tell me Alexei, is that something you can replicate? Do you think many of our officers could bring CIA agents to their knees like I did?”

      “Your petulance is far greater than I imagined. So, you decided to hide that particular detail from us before today?”

      “It didn't work to my advantage.”

      Alexei let out a short, humourless laugh. “Well done, Derevko! You have made yourself nearly irreplaceable. What I wonder is why. You could be done with this and go back to Moscow a hero. But clearly you prefer to stay”.

      “I won't justify my decisions to you.”

      “You still see me as an enemy, Irina. Time will show you that there is worse than me out there. I just hope you don’t come to regret this decision. Anyway, we won’t be meeting for a while. After my encounter with Devlin, it has become harder and harder to shake their tails. We will communicate our orders via the usual radio frequency, at 11 pm and at 9 am. And we will still need that list.” He turned his back on her and left without waiting for her reply.

Chapter 5: That's what friends are for

June 4th 1974         

       “Hello Jack, I was convinced you had already left. Isn´t Laura waiting for you at home?” It was late and the CIA wing at the State Department was almost empty. The only light in the deserted hall came from the lamp on Jack’s desk.

      “Hello Arvin.” Jack responded in a detached tone, without taking his eyes from the documents he was reading.

      “I just came from a meeting with the intelligence committee and had to drop some paperwork. But if you want, I´ll give you a lift”

      “I brought my own car”.

      “Of course.” Sloane paused for a second. He seemed unsure about what he was going to say next. “I'm glad you're back to work, my friend”, he finally said with a smile.  “These have not been easy times for any of us. A promotion can feel…strange, but we must remember the reason why we do this job. Robb was committed to his work. We must honour his sacrifice…and it´s good news nonetheless”. Jack shrugged indifferently, but Sloane continued to press. “I'm sure you have heard that I'm now overseeing a couple of your projects. A mere formality, of course.”

      “If you are referring to Project Christmas, I've left the final report on your desk this morning and there's a copy on that folder over there” Jack pointed to at the end of his desk.

      “Yes, I read it. Concise and illuminating, as always. But I have to say it seemed a bit confessional. As if you were trying to distance yourself from the project.”

      “I´m glad to get rid of it, I´ve made no secret of that fact.”.

      Sloane glanced around uncomfortably. “Well, my friend, I'm afraid to say it´s not that simple”

      “What do you mean?” Jack glared at him, finally putting his documents away. “The report is clear Arvin, it´s costs far outweigh the potential advantages. Both in terms of human and financial resources. Not to mention the moral ramifications.”

      “Yes”, Sloane nodded, “but discarding it is premature. If the Soviets decide to conduct a similar program and don´t have our scruples… we might find ourselves in a position of disadvantage that we cannot afford. I recommended that we keep the investigation for a bit longer, as a preventive measure. We’ll keep trying to improve our results in the hope we don´t ever have to use it”

      Jack looked at him in disbelief. When he finally replied, his tone was full of contempt. “So, what you are suggesting is that we continue to use children as lab rats, just in case they could come in handy. That’s not my idea of national security”.

      Sloane withstood his stare. His answer was cold. “Regardless of your…doubts, this has been approved by our superiors. I'm sure you´ll continue to do an outstanding job, as always.”

      “What if I recuse myself, let someone else take it?”

      “That would be tragic for your career”. Sloane´s voice was grave and foreboding.

      “I'm not sure I care.” Jack replied defiantly.

      “My friend, I understand your reservations, I really do”, Sloane tried to de-escalate, “but we cannot afford sentimentality to cloud our judgment. We do this to protect our families, to protect this country. God knows there is right and wrong on both sides of the wall, but I believe our cause is just. I believe in democracy.”

      “Don´t try to manipulate me Arvin, first you were giving me an order and now you´re delivering a commonplace speech about patriotism. The end result is the same, we are accountable for the choices we make.”

      “You´re paranoid, Jack. I'm trying to help, and I´ll keep doing it, even if you turn me away. That's what friends are for.”

      “I appreciate your concern. But I can assure you I´m in no need of your special attention.”

      Sloane sighed and prepared to leave, before turning back to face Jack. “You and Laura should come for dinner one of these days, Emily would love that. You shouldn´t isolate yourself. And Laura probably needs it too”

      Jack paused for a second before answering. "Let me know when you want to do it. I'll ask Laura."

Chapter 6: The list

June 6th 1974         

      Afternoons in the Lauinger Library were becoming a ritual for her. It was the summer break and she had to do research for her PhD. Laura didn’t mind the work. Her mind was naturally curious, she absorbed information much faster than normal people. She had always loved reading. And she had free time on her hands. Jack was rarely home before 10 p.m. these days and there was no point in staying home by herself thinking about how pointless her life and her mission seemed to be since Robb’s death.

      That particular early June day was very sunny. Her eyes drifted away to the window overlooking the Potomac. She had a stack of books on Renaissance literature on her desk. But her mind was elsewhere, entertained with compiling the list of eligible CIA bachelors that Alexei had demanded. The fact that the Centre wanted to go ahead with his pet project irritated her. Illegals had always been carefully selected and their targets hand-picked to give them the best chance of success. Different agents, different parts of the country. This ensured more information and also more security for the mission. Targeting multiple CIA agents at the same time put her mission in jeopardy. She didn't trust the new recruits to do their job properly. And she knew that in the long run this would devalue her position, giving her less room to manoeuvre.

      She had started out by scribbling a couple of names. Colleagues of Jack’s that she found particularly dull or stupid. But she knew that she had to take her assignment seriously. Alexei would know the difference. He was a prick, but not a fool. She sighed and casually opened the book on top of the pile. It had a chapter on symbolism in the Italian Renaissance, by some Hungarian art historian. There was one passage that caught her attention, about an architect who had inspired many of Leonardo da Vinci's most innovative designs. Someone called M. Rambaldi. A name she had never heard before. Suddenly it occurred to her that this could be what would happen to her. One of the new recruits would be hailed as a hero, and she would be the one who was forgotten. She closed the book.

      Back to the list, Laura knew which name she was avoiding writing down. It was also the one that made the most sense. Tom was the perfect candidate. He was handsome and charming, but also rash and overconfident. His intelligence made him a dangerous target. But a good agent would be able to manipulate his emotional side, if she played her cards right. And besides, his relationship with Alice was going down the drain. But somehow, even after Robb, it felt wrong. She carefully folded the list and packed her things, leaving the books on the library counter and heading downstairs for a cup of coffee before slowly making her way home.

***

      Laura arrived home to see Arvin Sloane in her living room.

      “Laura, hello”, he said getting up from the sofa to greet her, “I was just bringing some documents for Jack to go over before tomorrow”, she nodded and gave a slight smile.      “But I'm already late for dinner with Emily, so I should go. Goodbye Laura, see you tomorrow, Jack.”

      “I'll walk you to the door”, Jack said to Sloane. He used the same blank tone that had become so familiar to her since Robb's death. At that moment, however, the telephone rang. “I’m sorry Arvin, I must take this call. Do you mind sweetheart?”, he asked, turning towards her

      "No, I'll show Arvin out, you take it." Jack left the room and Laura accompanied Sloane to the door. As he was preparing to leave, she suddenly asked him: “Arvin, do you think Jack should be back at work so soon after his injury?”

      “What exactly are you concerned about?” he asked.

      “I think it’s evident.” She retorted.

      Sloane replied with his usual condescending smile. “I understand your apprehension, a loving wife is bound to worry. But the fact remains that Jack chose to go back to work. You know him well enough to understand that it’s impossible to dissuade him from his decision. Furthermore, I´m not sure we should try.”

      “He is not ready, Arvin.”

      The seriousness in her voice made him pause for a second. “Would you have him at home, being slowly consumed by guilt?” He asked, no longer smiling.

     “And you think that he’s not?

      “He’s in pain. Robb’s death hit everyone hard. Jack is probably reluctant to share his feelings with you. You’re his wife, he wants to protect you. But don’t worry Laura, I’ll keep an eye on him”.

      “Thank you, you are a good friend”, Laura replied, trying to keep her acrimony in check. “Give my best to Emily.” She looked at him for a while as he walked back to his car. Something had changed between the two of them after the hospital incident. Sloane couldn’t help but be smug and condescending. But now he looked at her differently, with more respect.

      When she got back to the living room, Jack had already finished his call.

      “Why did Arvin have to come here”, she asked, “is there a problem?”

      “No, he just came to drop some documents”, Jack answered cagily

      “Yes, he said that.” she said with irony.

      “Everything is fine, Laura, you don't have to worry. I´m not hungry so I´m going to read these documents, to get a head start before tomorrow.”

      Before she could protest, Jack had already taken the briefcase to the room he used as his office.

Chapter 7: Nightmares

August 9th 1974          

         He didn't hear her approaching. If he had, he would have tried to make the scene more presentable. “I´m sorry sweetheart, I didn't mean to wake you”, Jack said as she entered the room. It was 2 a.m. and he was still awake and using the dining table as an office desk, going through the new Project Christmas reports and drinking bourbon. But mostly drinking bourbon.

         “You didn´t”, she reassured him, “I came downstairs because I was thirsty. How many of those have you had?” she added pointing to his glass.

         “A couple.” He knew it was absurd for him to be there drinking at that hour of the night.

         “Will you pour me one?” Laura asked, approaching him softly.

         “Sure.” Jack was a little bit surprised; he had expected her to be mad and rebuke him for leaving her alone in their bed. He poured another glass and handed it to her.

         “Tough day?” She asked after taking a sip at it.

         He chuckled dryly. “Not really, just…uninspiring”.

         “Then why have you stayed here all night, drinking alone?” He knew the question was coming, but Laura’s voice was gentle and not really recriminating. She just seemed worried.

         “I just couldn´t sleep”. He tried to explain.

         “It's because of those nightmares you´ve been having, isn't it?” She held him by his hand and led him to the sofa. They sat side by side and she rested her head on his shoulder. “What´s on your mind?” she pressed. Jack knew she had every right to ask. But he couldn’t find the words to talk to her. He couldn’t tell her how much guilt he carried with him every day since Robb’s death, she wouldn't understand and it was too heavy of a burden to lay on her, he loved her too much. Her body was warm and inviting and the whiskey was having its effect.

      “I was thinking of you”, he replied coyly.

      “Liar!” She laughed and for a moment he let himself be carried away with the sound of her laughter.

      “Well, now I am.” He said laughing with her.

      She kissed him and he closed his eyes, trying to let go. But he couldn´t. It was as if his happiness was a betrayal. “We should get to bed”, he said pulling away, “I work early tomorrow”.

      “I don´t care, I miss you, Jack!” She held him down on the sofa and kissed him again. He was ready to give in, the mixture between the alcohol and the feeling of her body so close to his own was softening his resolve. “And you know it's silly, don´t you?”, she added between kisses.

      “What?” He asked hazily.

      “Preventing yourself from being happy. It won't bring him back.” She pulled him closer, and he let himself go, his hands pulling her closer. How did she do it? How could she know that he felt that being happy was the most painful thing for him after Robb's death? “That's what's bothering you, isn't it?” She whispered gently in his ear. He couldn´t answer. Even if he could, words would fall short, and he was now completely inebriated with desire. He was exhausted from fighting himself, from trying to punish himself, from feeling guilty after succumbing to the temptation that his conjugal happiness represented. Laura didn´t have to understand his scruples, there she was full of life, trying to connect with her husband. To love him and be loved in return.

      She must have sensed his hesitation and with a quick gesture she dropped her nightgown to the floor. He took one look at her and his mind was gone. He grabbed her by the waist as she pulled at his shirt, trying to rid him of it. When she finally did, she dug her fingernails on his back possessively. They fell to the ground because the couch was too narrow for the violence of their passion. He tried to cushion the impact, but they fell on their sides. She laughed and he felt more alive than he had for a long time. They made love right there between the couch and the coffee table. Afterwards, she rested on top of him and, looking into his eyes, she told him that she loved him. He felt safe. They fell asleep for a while, long enough for him to dream the same nightmare that had been haunting him for months now.

      “It's alright, Jack, I'm here with you!”

      “I´m sorry, I’m sorry”. Jack mumbled as he opened his eyes.

      “You don't have to apologise. I just wish you could talk to me”, her voice sounded worried, “I feel lost when you shut yourself away like that, I don't know how to help you”. He held her in his arms. Laura was usually so strong and confident that when she showed doubt or fear, he felt the immediate need to protect her.

      “I´m alright, honey, don´t worry.” He reassured her.

      “Your nightmares… what are they about?”

      “I don't remember” He lied.

      “Yes, you do, Jack, please!”

      He hesitated for a moment but then answered. “Before he died, Robb wanted to tell me something. He never got to do it, and I keep dreaming of different versions of what it could be.”

      “Like what?” She pressed.

      “It doesn't matter, honey. I really don't want to think about it. I know you mean well, but I just don't want to talk about it.”

      Laura rested her head again on his shoulder. Just like that she knew that he had closed himself off again and her window had closed.

Chapter 8: No attachments

Moscow, 1967

       "Stop it! Leave me alone!" Irina cried as her sister slammed her against the wall of their bedroom. Yelena ignored her protests and squeezed her neck hard with her right hand. Irina gasped and struggled to breathe. At that moment, the door room slammed open.

     “Let her go, Lena!” Katya said calmly as she entered the bedroom. Yelena looked behind her shoulder with disdain and, after a second, she did.

     “Don’t ever touch me again!” Irina screamed, her eyes tearing up with anger.

     “Feeling that, little sister? Are you feeling powerless? Learn to defend yourself!”. Yelena replied in a low menacing tone.

     “You’re mad Lena, do you know that?”

     “What´s happening here?” Katya interrupted them.

     “Our little sister thinks she can play with the grownups”, Yelena answered looking at Irina with contempt, “but she can’t stand the consequences”.

     “I’m your sister!” Irina shouted.

     “And so, what? There is no family in this business. You must be prepared to kill, always, even the people you love. There are no attachments, Irina”, Yelena said calmly sitting down on her bed, “haven’t they taught you anything.”

     “Shut up”, Katya replied as she hugged Irina.

     Yelena rolled her eyes. “You two don’t get it. You are weak. Just like father. You don’t know what it takes. You have no idea. There are sacrifices that need to be made. Maybe someday you will learn”. She got up and left the room, slamming the door behind her.

Chapter 9: Traitors

September 10th 1974

       Laura parked her car on a quiet street in a nice residential part of Hillcrest. It was the middle of the afternoon. The neighbourhood was full of single-family homes, but her eyes were fixed on a group of modern four-storey apartment blocks. They looked solidly middle class. Their residents were probably doctors, lawyers, professors… and spies.

       She went to the right building. The front door was open, so she entered and got into the lift to avoid meeting anyone on the stairs. She got to the third floor and rang the doorbell of the flat on the right. After a couple of seconds, a very surprised John Campbell opened the door.

       “Laura? How did you get here? We are not supposed to meet each other.”

       “I’m sorry to barge in like this”, she replied apologetically, “but I really need to talk to you. It’s important”.

       “What’s this about?” John asked as he let her inside. The apartment was tastefully decorated and full of light, with all the modern American appliances. One would never have guessed the owners were not called John and Mary, but Valeryi and Lyudmila.

       “I really didn't know who else to talk to. Is Mary here?” Her hesitant tone betrayed her uneasiness.

       “Not right now, no.”

       Laura looked him straight in the eyes, as if she wasn’t sure if she could trust him. “Look, this is a delicate subject… so if you want me to go…”

       “Tell me what you need”, John said reassuringly as he hung her light summer jacket on the coat rack and invited her into the kitchen.

       “What do you know about Alexei Belusov?”

       “Why do you ask?” His tone was suddenly guarded again.

       “He´s my handler now. I don't know if he is yours too”.

       Laura sat down on the kitchen chair and explained her suspicions about Alexei and her need to confide in someone she could trust. John was cautious at first, but she could tell he also had his doubts about her handler. He offered her a cup of tea and listened to her concerns. She was very forthcoming; she knew that the kind of information she was sharing was enough to have her sent back to Moscow and hanged, if the Campbells ever decided to report it to the Centre. Still, her frankness seemed to put him at ease. After about half an hour, she got up to put the empty teacup on the counter. John was eating a biscuit. With a sudden movement, she grabbed the knife she had hidden in her pocket and plunged it into his heart. He struggled for a few seconds, knocking the teapot off the kitchen table. But his death was quick. Laura took a moment to contemplate the scene, but she knew her work was only half done.

       Mary Campbel came home an hour later. Immediately after entering the house, she sensed something was wrong. Like the good agent she was, Mary reached for the gun on the entryway table. Laura waited, hidden behind the door of the Campbells' room. Mary walked slowly through the corridor with her gun ready. Moments later, she found Johns’ lifeless body on the kitchen floor. There was no time to mourn, so she resumed the apartment search. As Mary approached the bedroom door Laura tensed. The door opened, Mary walked in, and Laura grabbed her from behind and slit her throat.

       Afterwards, she wiped the fingerprints off the handle of the knife and dropped it on the floor. She went to the secret safe in the Campbell's wardrobe and took every piece of paper that could reveal their real identities. Then she went through the apartment, carefully erasing every trace of her presence. When the police arrived in a few hours, they would quickly conclude that it was a robbery. A sign of the times. The neighbours would mourn the loss of such a nice American couple. Back in Russia, two families who lived hundreds of miles apart and had never met would receive a formal letter and a medal.

***

       Laura drove away as fast as possible without calling attention to herself. However, her repulse at what she had done made her stop in an empty car park after a couple of miles. She opened the car door and threw up. She wasn’t squeamish, she had been trained to kill. It wasn’t her first time either. But she was having difficulty in putting her thoughts in order.

       She reflected on the conversation with Alexei the day before. He had called the meeting, out of the blue, to tell her that the Centre suspected that two Directorate S agents were about to turn double. He listed the evidence, all circumstantial, but assured her that the KGB was sure of it. He made sure to remind her that the Campbells had been Anthony’s assets, just like her. Laura knew he was manipulating her, he wanted her to take them out. It was probably a question of convenience, but it was also a power play to show her he was in charge. Anyway, it worked. She felt enraged at the two traitors in whom Anthony had put his trust and who could put her own mission at risk.

       Laura had done as Alexei had ordered and murdered two of her countrymen, a couple she had known and worked with, on slim evidence. Were they even traitors at all? Now that she thought about it, her willingness to be manipulated so easily had been a sign of weakness. Just as her remorse was now. She was distracted, she hardly slept. Her mind had been all over the place since Robb’s death. Now her body was rebelling against her and testing the limits of her self-control.

Chapter 10: Let's just enjoy ourselves

September 10th 1974

       Arvin Sloane looked at the table with narrowed eyes. A look he usually reserved for confidential documents. The dining room was spacious and tastefully decorated. Sober, understated. Perhaps a little stuffy.

       “Emily darling, you always complain I don´t spend enough time at home and now that I’m here, you´re the one who is too busy to come to the table. The lamb is getting cold”, Sloane called. He had prepared a surprise for his wife. By setting the table for a romantic diner. He took care of every detail. He wanted to make sure it was a memorable night, for both of them.

       “I´m sorry, Arvin”, Emily replied absent-mindedly as she walked into the room, “I was just trying to get everything ready for our party next weekend. The usual caterer wasn’t available, so I had to hire another. It has good references. Lenora from the office recommended them to me, but…”, she interrupted herself when she looked at the table. “Everything looks wonderful, dear! Thank you.”

       Sloane smiled. “You worry too much about little details.”

       “It´s important to me”.

       “I know. But come here, you´re missing it. The wine, the music. Have you noticed?” He said with his hands on the back of the chair, inviting her to sit down.

       “La Bohème”, Emily answered as she sat down, “we saw it live at the Alla Scala for our one-year anniversary. I was so taken with everything that night. The theatre, the music, you.”

       Sloane nodded. “That’s right. And I wanted to recreate that moment to remind you that my feelings for you are as deep and strong as always.” He kissed her hand and sat down beside her. He poured the wine into the glasses and handed one to her. They toasted.

       “I love you, Arvin. I feel the luckiest of women”. Emily’s eyes started tearing.

       “No tears tonight, my dear. Tonight is for us. I understand you want to celebrate our actual anniversary with our friends next week, but tonight it’s just you and me.”

       “Sounds wonderful”.

       “Let’s eat then.” He said, picking up the carving knife.

***

       “The lamb was wonderful, dear.” Sloane said when they had finished eating.

       “I used the same recipe I always use. If you had told me you were going to prepare all of this, I would have done something different”, Emily protested softly.

       “It was perfect”, Sloane reassured her as he opened a bottle of dessert wine, a Tuscan vin santo , “Just so you don't think I'm not interested, how are the preparations for our anniversary going? I don´t want you to trouble yourself too much”.

       “You’re right, I worry too much”, Emily admitted as she sipped the wine, “I’ll pick up the food and drinks from the caterer and take it down to Bethany Beach on the day. I’m going to ask Laura to help me set the whole thing up.”

       “How is Laura? I saw her the other day, when I stopped by their house. She seemed tired”

       Emily sighed. “You know her, she works too much. Jack does too, which doesn’t help. But mostly I think she is worried about him.”

       Sloane’s eyes brightened slightly with a gleam of curiosity. “What makes you say that? Has she said something.”

       “Of course not. She never talks about herself, not really. I always admired the way she can have an entire conversation, an intimate conversation even, without ever revelling anything personal.”

       He paused for a few seconds before answering. “You surprise me sometimes, my dear, with the acuity of your observations”.

       “Well, I'm not as silly as everyone thinks”, Emily replied, feigning offence.

       “You´re everything but!”

       “You should talk to Jack. They should take some time away. After all that´s happened, they need to reconnect, maybe think about starting a family. A baby would do them both good.”

       “That´s their business, Emily. You know that they both hate meddling.”

       Emily nodded. “Anyway, the ones I´m really worried about are Tom and Alice. I´m afraid they won´t last long together.”

       Sloane snorted derisively. “If you ask me, she is a saint for having put up with him for so long.”

       “Don´t be like that, Arvin. Tom is your friend. And he is a good person. He's just lost right now.”

       “He´s irresponsible and he’s a philanderer.”

       “You know he´s more than that.”

       “I know that I wouldn't have the nerve that Jack has”, Sloane replied acidly.

       Emily gave him a knowing look. It was not the first time they were discussing this matter. “Jack is a kind man. He would never hold that against Tom”.

       “Be that as it may”, Sloane hastened to change the subject, “I would much rather talk about ourselves and leave other people’s business to other people.”

       “You are right dear”, she replied leaning to kiss him, "let's just enjoy ourselves”.

Chapter 11: Dead end

September 14th 1974     

     Tom walked into the dingy bar on Columbia Heights and immediately looked down the long counter until he found the person he was looking for. Jack Bristow was there. He was meeting a shady character, one that Tom knew well enough. An informant, not the trustworthy kind either. Rodolfo Martinez traded in information with anyone who was willing to buy it. Jack saw Tom´s reflection in an enormous golden frame mirror. It was part of the lousy decoration of the place, but it had its uses. In fact, it was the main reason Jack favoured this particular bar for questionable exchanges. Jack dismissed the man he was talking to with a concealed hand gesture. Martinez knew enough to make himself scarce and, with a curt nod to Tom, he walked out of the bar. Tom took his time before approaching Jack. He wanted to give his friend some time to regroup. Jack was always more recalcitrant when cornered.

     “Fancy finding you here”. He said in a good mood.

     “What are you doing here, Tom?” Jack asked, irritated.

     “If it´s not obvious, I´ve come to check on you. You left work in the middle of the day. And from what I could ascertain, it's not the first time”.

     “I am up to speed with every operation, every single memo, and my work is flawless. So, as much as I appreciate your concern, I can assure you, it is absolutely unnecessary.” His matter-of-fact tone could fool someone who didn´t know him well, but Tom knew he was anxious and annoyed. Jack was too good of a spy not to know that he was being sloppy, getting caught doing something that he shouldn’t. He knew that his guilt over Robb’s death was making him careless, driving him to make poor choices. Like trying to get information from Rodolfo Martinez. But Tom could sense that something inside Jack was past caring.

     “I´m glad our country has such a competent servant to keep it safe” Tom joked, but Jack's expression just tightened.

     “How are things between you and Laura?” Tom knew this question would elicit a reaction.

     “Do you have a point in being here?”

     “Just answer the damn question, Jack”, Tom replied exasperated, "I'm here because I´m your friend and I´m worried about you”.

     Jack maintained his poker face. “I´m not in the habit of discussing my private affairs.”

     “Fine. Then what are you doing in a seedy bar at 3 PM?”

     “What do you mean?” Jack asked sarcastically. “I quite like this place. Have you seen their beer selection? It’s quite eclectic”.

     “Do you understand the risks you´re taking?” Tom pressed him

     “I know what I´m doing.”

     “Then why are you meeting with Martinez?”

     Jack took a sip of his beer before replying. “Fine, I was looking for information. He had some useful intel for one of my operations”.

     “Is this still about Robb?”

     “Leave me alone, Tom!” Jack glared at him

     “What do you expect to find out? You know what happened. It was a KGB set up!”

     “Mind yourself!” Jack said warningly.

     Tom ignored his friend’s anger. “Oh please, Jack. You´re the one who is doing business with a crook like Martinez. Here, in broad daylight. Did it pay off at least?”

     “No, it´s a dead end.” Jack admitted.

     “Let me see that”. He grabbed the folder from Jack´s hands. “It´s not even a good forgery.” Tom said after flipping through the pages.

     “It´s significant that they would try to cover their tracks.” Jack insisted, but he knew Tom was right.

     Tom handed the folder back to Jack. “The Agency has been all over this. It was a setup, yes, probably there was a leak. But every lead has been pursued, it´s a dead end.  You cannot keep doing this to yourself or you´ll end up ruining your career, your marriage also. Laura hides it well, but she is worried about you.”

     Jack’s anger flared up again at the mention of Laura’s name. “I doubt she would tell you that, so you are merely guessing.”

     “You´re right, she didn't", Tom admitted, “but it's hard to miss. We are all worried about you.”

     “Stay out of my life, Tom! You would do better worrying about your own affairs.”

     “Go to hell, Jack. I´m done trying to help you. So at least next time cover your ass better, because this can get you into real trouble with the agency”. Tom got up from his seat and headed for the door without looking back.

 

Chapter 12: A hole in your heart

September 14th 1974

      Tom arrived home late, a little drunk and feeling sorry for himself. He sat on the chair in the living room and rested his head on his hands for a while. His day hadn´t turned out the way he expected. For months, Hamlin had him buried in paperwork, mostly translating Soviet foreign policy pronouncements and the routine communications of the Rezidentura. Boring desk work that served as a form of punishment. He knew the Agency saw him as a potential liability and did not trust him with active fieldwork anymore. Two words stood out from his latest evaluation report: “unpredictable”, “unreliable”. It was enough to crucify any agent. But he knew Jack had intervened in his favour, or asked Sloane to do it for him. Tom couldn’t explain even to himself why he kept screwing everything up. Like the woman tonight. He had just gone for a drink and had ended up fucking her in the back of her car. Precisely the kind of behaviour the Agency saw as a problem. He could see the irony in having berated Jack that same afternoon for the way he was risking his career and family life with his stupid behaviour, when he was the king of doing just that.

      “You decided to come home then”. Alice said, brushing by him quickly as she walked into the kitchen.

      “I was working”. Tom replied. He got up to follow her, but remembered he should have covered his tracks better. Taken a shower or at least changed his clothes.

      “Don´t even bother”, Alice retorted, “At least you could have had the decency not to wake me up. I just came from a twelve-hour shift, I´m tired”

      “I´m sorry, I didn´t mean to… did you have a good day?”

      Alice glared at him and warned him off with her hands. “You´re pathetic, Tom. Go take a shower!”

      Tom looked at her with a blank expression. He was tired of arguing. They were fighting more and more often these days, but something about Alice's behaviour tonight felt different. “Do you need to be so aggressive?”, he asked, “I didn´t do it on purpose, and I miss you”.

      “Maybe you could remember that when you fool around with everything that moves. Who was it this time? A secretary? A clerk?” Alice’s hands were trembling with fury as she poured herself some orange juice from the fridge.

      “Nobody,” Tom lied, “I was out with the guys, no women”

      “In that case you might ask your ‘guys’ where they buy their red lipstick”, she snorted, “from what I see in your shirt, it looks like an interesting colour. Maybe I’ll buy some for myself”.

      “Please, Alice, you know it means nothing. Maybe a couple of stolen kisses at the bar counter. You know how it is, you didn't use to care.”

      “As if you ever bothered to know what I cared or didn’t care about”.

      “I´m sorry”, Tom pleaded. His head was pounding, “I can´t explain…I can´t help it, I´m a screw up.”

      Alice put her glass down on the sink and looked directly at Tom for the first time in the discussion. Her eyes showed more contempt than anger. “You have a hole in your heart that you keep wanting to fill, Tom, and so you think you have the right to take everything ahead of you without caring about the consequences. But you don’t. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of you”.

      “Spare me the bullshit psych eval”, he snapped, “you don’t know what I feel”.

      “I know that you´re in love with a woman you can never have!” Alice spat.

      “Alice…”

      “Don´t bother denying it. I know you didn´t ask for it but at least be honest. Once in your life, be honest!”

      “Laura and I are friends”, Tom put his hands on his head. He was desperate to stop the fighting, to make it go away.

      “Oh, I know that! At most she feels sorry for you, for your pathetic pinning over her. Everyone sees it. It's embarrassing, really”, Alice replied derisively.

      “If you felt this way, why haven´t you said anything?”

      Alice stopped herself for a second. “To tell you the truth, I enjoyed watching you humiliate yourself. It seemed fair, for a while. Jack however took it as a gentleman, of course, because he is sure that Laura loves him and him alone.”

      “I know she does”, Tom said in a low voice, almost as if to himself.

      “I saw you at the hospital, following her with your eyes, looking at the way she worried for Jack, the way she cared for him. You wished it was you instead.”

      “Of course I didn’t”, Tom protested.

      “It kills you, doesn´t it?”, Alice continued. She knew she was being cruel, but she couldn’t stop herself. She had put up with too much, “not only that she is your best friend´s wife, but that she would never choose you, even if she could”

      “Why are you doing this, now?”

      “Because I’m sick of it all! Because you hurt me, time and time again, and you didn’t even care enough to think about it. It’s over Tom. I’m going to work. You can pack your own things.”

Chapter 13: Salmon quiches

September 15th 1974

       Laura looked out of the car window and breathed in the cold air. She closed her eyes and tried to clear her mind. Ever since she was a little girl, she liked to stick her head out of the window of a moving vehicle and pretend, with her eyes closed, that her body was floating freely in the wind. This time, however, she reminded herself not to do it. Being free was a luxury she could no longer afford.

       "Could you close that? I'm cold." Emily complained. Laura obliged, reluctantly. "I'm so glad you're helping me today”, Emily added, “otherwise I'd be going mad by now".

       “Of course,” Laura replied, without conviction. There were times when even she found it hard to believe her own lies and wondered how her cover wasn’t blown on the spot.

       Usually, the idea of helping Emily organise her fifth anniversary party would have made her run the other way in a heartbeat. But she had been badgering her for weeks. And after the last few days, getting away from DC had sounded like an opportunity to think and regroup. Right now, however, with her head dizzy from the lack of sleep and from Emily’s driving, it didn’t seem such a good idea. They were going to Bethany Beach, to Emily’s parents' beach house. Despite the cool autumn weather, Emily had wanted to throw a small party at the place where she had gotten engaged. At least the official place. In truth, Sloane had asked her to marry him when they were celebrating his promotion at their favourite French restaurant, over a bottle of pinot something. But she had always preferred to tell the story of when he had gone to her parents and asked for her hand. He had been nervous and revealed a side of him that she thought he didn’t show enough, so she enjoyed exposing to their friends how sweet and anxious he had been. She felt it humanized him.

       “I realize it's an extravagance to throw a dinner party after everything that happened this year. But I think we all need a little happiness, don’t you? Or is it too much?” Emily worried excessively about the opinions of others. “Maybe I should have just done like you and Jack and have a quiet private dinner with Arvin…”, Emily thought it was sad rather than sensible, Laura was sure of that.

       “No, I think it’s great”, Laura answered. She tried not to think about the smell of the salmon mini quiches in the back seat. It was invading the whole car since she had closed the window, and it was making her nauseous.

       “You seem a little tired”, Emily commented. No wonder, she thought. The void that had opened between her and Jack since Robb’s death, her desperate attempts to prolong her mission, not to mention the fact that she had just murdered two of her countrymen in cold blood a few days before.

       “I´m fine, just thinking about my thesis”, she lied. “Have you decided if this is going to be a seated dinner? We are not that many”. That all but guaranteed her twenty minutes of freedom from further inquiries, while Emily would go on and on about sitting arrangements.

***

       They arrived at Bethany Beach before noon. The scenery could not be more beautiful. The house was right on the beach and the sound of the waves brought Emily back to her childhood. They had arrived early to organize everything. Their husbands and the rest of the guests would arrive later in the day.

       The two of them had lunch on the porch after putting all the food they had brought on the fridge. Emily fretted for a while, but then decided to have a buffet-style party, allowing guests to wander around and enjoy the house. She had always loved planning things. They managed to prepare everything quickly, with plenty of time to get themselves ready.

       They went upstairs and, as they chatted, Emily noticed that Laura seemed lighter. She had been so serious, lost in her own thoughts, ever since they had left DC. She was doing Emily’s hair while they talked about Tom and Alice’s rocky relationship. Then, as she was reaching for a hair clip, Laura suddenly stumbled a little.

       “Is everything alright, Laura? You look very pale”. Emily asked worriedly.

       Laura steadied herself. “Yes, I’m fine. Just tired. Perhaps I have been overdoing it lately.” She dropped the hair clip and went to sit on the edge of bed, waiting for the light-headedness to pass.

       “You work too much, my dear. I always tell you that. Maybe you and Jack could take a week off…”

       “Jack hasn´t been in the mood for anything but work lately…”, Laura replied, rubbing her forehead.

       “Arvin hasn't either. It's been even worse than normal, since…” Emily hated to speak about what had happened. It seemed so surreal, even after all those months.

       “Robb died.” Laura was never one for euphemisms.

       Emily nodded mournfully. “You really do look pale”, she insisted. But suddenly something occurred to her. “Tell me something, Laura, when was your last period?”

       “Why do you ask?” Laura´s face tightened which meant she was on the right track.

       “Because I think you might be pregnant”. Emily answered in an incisive tone. She could tell Laura was surprised by her question.

       “I'm not”, Laura tried to laugh it off, “I take precautions and, more to the point, I'm not planning on having a child anytime soon.”

       “Well precautions are not infallible. And you do have symptoms! I don´t understand why you would want to wait. You’re married, you have a good stable life, you and Jack love each other…”, Emily stopped herself. Her pain and anger at having wanted a child for so long were obvious, no matter how much she tried to hide it. “Here”, she added brusquely handing Laura a pregnancy test she took from her purse, “I always have one in hand”.

       “I don't need it. I told you, I can't be pregnant”, Laura seemed genuinely frightened by the possibility, “I have my PhD, Jack is always travelling …we can´t”

       “Why not take the test, then? Just to be sure. Besides, what would be so terrible about it?” Her questioning sounded more hostile than she intended.

       “I just…I can´t…I…”, Laura’s voice broke in the middle of the sentence.

       Emily looked at her friend’s distress and felt her anger subside. She put a hand on her shoulder reassuringly. “Laura, don´t be frightened, I think you would make a great mother. You have a sweet side, even if you are always trying to hide it. And it might do you good not to be so career focused. And Jack… I am sure he´ll make an amazing father. He has such a big heart behind all that seriousness and, more importantly, he loves you to bits!” Emily smiled for the first time since the beginning of the conversation. “Take the test, I´ll be downstairs.”

***

       After Emily left, Laura stood motionless for a while, looking at the test in her hands. She knew she had to take it. She had dismissed the signs her body insisted on sending her, but she needed to be sure. She had always been careful; she had been trained to be. But with the way the last few months had gone, a mistake was entirely possible.

       What if it was positive? She would have to get rid of it, there was no question about it. Her aversion to that path wasn’t a moral one. She had never pictured herself as a mother, and it was the protocol in these situations. Still, she couldn’t help but to think about Jack. She shook her thoughts away and entered the bathroom.

       The minutes passed slowly. While she was waiting for the result with her eyes closed, she tried to empty her mind. Not an easy task. Her hand flattened over her belly. Somehow, she was trying to see through her own flesh, to picture a baby inside her. “Stop it!”, she ordered herself. To no avail, she couldn´t push the image away. But the truth was that there was no scenario where she could have a baby. When she opened her eyes, her gaze went to rest on the test, sitting on the sink. There it was, irrevocably, the plus sign she had been dreading to see. Laura wanted to scream, but even if she could, her voice was gone. She quickly slipped the test into her purse, carefully hiding it inside the stitching, and left the room to meet Emily.

***

       Emily seemed disappointed when she told her the test was negative. But Laura knew there was a part of her friend that was relieved, even if she would never admit it. She changed the subject. In her mind, she had decided to call the doctor’s office as soon as she got back to DC. She wanted to get the situation under control immediately and was determined that Alexei and the Centre would never know about it.

       Half an hour later, Jack arrived with Sloane and the guests began to come in. Jack looked exhausted. He kissed her and complimented her dress. The way he smiled made her feel that he longed to be with her, but after a few moments his thoughts went far away again.

       After a few minutes of polite conversation with a couple of Jack’s colleagues and their wives, she excused herself and moved away towards the buffet. She wasn’t hungry. In fact, just looking at the salmon quiches was making her nauseous again. But she wanted to distance herself from Jack. She was feeling overwhelmed and being near him made her think even more about that damn plus sign. Emily was looking at her intently from the other side of the room, so she tried to smile to defuse her curiosity. Then the doorbell rang. It was Tom and he was alone.

       “Tom, welcome. Where is Alice?” Sloane asked as he opened the door and took Tom´s coat.

       “Alice isn't coming”, Tom replied sharply. He had clearly been drinking.

       “That's a pity. I know Emily will be disappointed.” Tom shrugged and Sloane turned to Jack. “We seem to be running out of wine, Jack, I must ask for your help in selecting a few more bottles from the cellar”. He motioned for Jack to join him, and he followed, with nothing more than a quick nod to Tom.

       “I didn't realise Jack was a wine specialist now”, Tom said sarcastically as he approached her.

       “It's his way to avoid talking with anyone”. Laura chuckled. But before he could answer she looked at him seriously and asked. “What happened?”

       “Nothing much.” He lowered his eyes. He looked sad and ashamed.

       “Is it final?” From his face alone she knew the answer.

       “Yes.” He replied simply.

       “I´m sorry.” Laura said sincerely. She had always liked Alice. Strong-headed, yes, but a force of nature. Just like that, another person who had been central to her life was gone.

       “It happens”, Tom replied while he poured himself a large glass of red wine. “What about Jack, is he better? I’ve hardly talked to him lately. He has new responsibilities now.”

       “He… he is well enough”.

       “In other words, he is still blaming himself and shutting you out.” Tom knew Jack too well so she could only smile sadly and say nothing. “I´m afraid for him and sad for you”, he added, putting his hand on her shoulder. His hand was warm and reassuring and she fought the will to ask for comfort.

       “I'm fine.” She smiled, putting her own hand above his.

       “You're not. Have you told him that?” He asked softly.

       “You are not in the best position to be giving advice.” Laura tried to steer the conversation safely back to a humorous tone. But when Tom laughed and looked into her eyes, she realised the danger she was in. Too late, because Jack joined them before they could notice.

       “Do you think you should be drinking, Tom?” Jack asked brusquely.

       “I can't see why not, the wine is pretty decent.” Tom replied sardonically.

       “Emily has just taken your car keys away, you can´t drive in this condition. You’re letting yourself turn into an imposition”

       “The least you could do is offer me a ride then.”

       “I wouldn´t impose you upon my wife”. The icy anger in Jack’s eyes scared her.

       “Oh I´m sorry Laura, I´m not worthy enough to be in your presence” Tom mocked.

       “Enough you two!”, Laura interrupted. The situation was getting out of hand, and she couldn't deal with it now, “Jack, go call Emily. Tom needs to splash some water in his face.”

Chapter 14: High tide

September 15th 1974

       “Are you going to spend the next two hours in silence?” Laura asked, irritated. The tension was palpable. He hadn’t muttered a word since they’d left the beach house. They sat side by side in the car, but the distance between them felt unbearable.

       “I´m sorry, I´m just tired”, Jack replied in an emotionless voice. His tone was colder than what he intended, so after a few seconds he smiled faintly and added “Tom is unbelievable. I don’t think he knows what he is doing with his life.”

       Laura took a deep breath. Jack wasn't going to make a scene out of her conversation with Tom. Still, she felt angry. Angrier than she expected. “I’m rather more worried about you, actually”, she replied. Her eyes were fixed on the car window. The tide was higher than it had been in the afternoon, mirroring her own feelings. She was on edge.

       His eyes narrowed, but he kept his gaze fixed on the road. “I’m not sure what you mean”.

       “You don’t?” Laura snapped, “You are withdrawn emotionally, you have been that way for months. I can´t reach you, no one can. You work around the clock, I hardly see you and you avoid anything resembling a conversation. You just spent an entire dinner unresponsive and taciturn. And now you want to talk about Tom?” She hadn't meant to provoke a fight, but she wasn’t thinking straight. There was too much on her mind and she felt nauseous. His distance was making her lose her balance.

       “Laura, this is not a conversation I wish to have. Not right now”. He was almost begging, which only fuelled her irritation.

       “That's too bad, because we are having this conversation, whether you want it or not. In case you don't remember, I’m your wife. You can't shut me out!”

       Jack hit the brakes. The car made a loud screeching noise. He pulled to the side of the road, opened the door and started to walk on the sand towards the sea. Laura took a few seconds to recover from her surprise at his reaction. Then she opened her own door and followed him. They were not far from Emily’s parents’ house. She could still see the lights in the distance. After a few metres Jack stopped but didn't turn around. He was probably running scenarios in his mind, trying to figure out what to say, how to create an escape for himself.

       “You have to stop running from me, Jack”, she pleaded.

       “What do you want me to say, Laura? What do you want me to do?” He shouted at her, but his tone was more sad than angry. “Robb is dead. My best friend is dead and it was my fault. Everything that happened, Stella, the baby, it’s all my fault”. Laura could see he was trying to hold back his tears and reached out her hand to touch his arm, but he pulled away.

       “Robb’s death was a tragedy, Jack”, she said finally, “we are all suffering, we all wish we could change what happened. But you cannot blame yourself like this, you need to react! No one can live like this.”

       “And what am I supposed to do? Forget about it and move on? I lost my friend!”

       “And I am losing you!” she shouted in despair. “You hardly talk to me. Tom’s life is derailing, and you don’t seem to care. The only person you let near you is Arvin, and he only brings out the worst in you”.

       “At least he's not in love with my wife.” Jack spat furiously. He tried to kick the sand out of his shoes, but without success. Then, angrily, he kicked a second time, and his right shoe flew up in the air and fell a few metres away. "I hate sand," he barked. She said nothing, but kept staring at him, encouraging him to continue. “Robb died because of me, Laura”, Jack said finally, “I can’t go on with my life and pretend it didn’t happen”.

       “And so you´re giving up your own life, our life?”

       “It feels like a betrayal…” The hopelessness in his voice was so profound that Laura felt something split inside her. She had caused this, whatever her intentions. Jack needed something to redeem him or else he would be swallowed up by remorse. He would break if she didn’t save him. She needed to restore their connection, for her mission and for herself. But she didn’t know what to do. Then, suddenly, she realised. It was as if fate was giving her an answer.

       “I need you to pull yourself together, Jack…”

       “Laura, I…”

       “I'm pregnant”, Laura said abruptly. Jack opened his eyes wildly and for a few seconds they just stood there, looking at each other in the dark, with the sound of the waves in the distance. “I’m pregnant”, she repeated in a calmer tone, feeling it was the right thing to do. It went against all reason, but she was going to give him this baby to save him, to rescue him from the grief that he could not know she had caused, to protect him from the pain she was yet to inflict on him. “And I’m scared”, she added, and her eyes teared up.

       It took Jack a few seconds to digest the dimension of the news, but then he reached out and wiped the tears from her face with his thumbs, smiling. “That’s wonderful news!” he said softly, with tears in his eyes, looking intently into hers and holding her. “It will be ok, sweetheart, we will be ok.” They embraced and she felt as if time was dissolving in the sound of the waves.

***

       They stayed on the beach for hours, trying to make sense of what was happening. Laura only noticed the cold when she started trembling. Jack pulled his jacket over her shoulders and helped her back to the car. They drove home in a daze. They talked until dawn. Jack asked for forgiveness over and over again. The light that had been out of his eyes for months was back. They made love, and although their distance had never been physical, Laura felt that the emptiness inside her was healing, even if only for a moment.

       As they fell asleep on their bed, they were both fearful for different reasons. Laura knew that his baby would bind them forever and that was something that she both desired and feared. Jack was terrified of being a bad father. What did he know about caring for a child? His own father hadn’t been much of a role model. Unbeknownst to each other, they both vowed to do everything in their power to be the best parents they could be to this child. But her promise, she knew, had an expiration date.

Chapter 15: It won´t matter anymore then

September 22nd 1974

         Laura requested the meeting with Alexei the following day, but it took him almost a week to arrange it. When she told him the reason, he was angry. He shouted that she shouldn´t presume to have a choice about her own life. It was her decision to stay in the field. She had forced his hand, in fact. Now she had to deal with the consequences. She was an agent, and agents had to follow protocol. It was not her choice. Laura stood her ground and refused to terminate the pregnancy. Alexei had threatened her, as she knew he would. After his fury subsided, he told her that the decision was beyond his authority. There was nothing else to do but wait, end of the conversation. She went back home, feeling like she had won the first round. Jack was happy. His mood had changed entirely, and she promised herself she would see the pregnancy through, for him.

         Three days later she was called to the Dupont Plaza Hotel. It was the middle of the day, and the hotel was in an upscale part of the city, surrounded by embassies and official buildings. The whole thing seemed odd. Laura had to switch classes with a colleague to make the appointment. She was nervous, she had no idea who she was going to meet. She climbed to the second floor and opened the door to suite 47, as she had been instructed.

         “Hello, Irina!” The voice she heard gave her a chill. This was going to be a battle she wasn´t sure she could win.

         “Gerard! What an unexpected surprise.” She replied, trying to sound cheerful as she entered the room. It was spacious and elegantly furnished. Cuvee was sitting comfortably in an armchair. He was wearing a white cotton shirt and had an expensive watch on his wrist.

         “And yet, I am the one who was in a shock when I learned the news about you! How could you be so careless?” His tone was icy, accusatory. Laura felt her insides burning, but she smiled calmly and went to greet him with a kiss.

         “It happened…”, she replied dismissively, “I won´t bore you with the trivialities of the female biology, but it´s quite common that the measures taken to prevent it fail.”

         Cuvee studied her, trying to measure her indifference. “That much is obvious, my dear. What I am bewildered about is why you would request to keep the child…I was so astonished that I deviated my entire schedule and risked my own security to come here and ascertain the facts for myself…”, he sounded hurt, as if she had failed him personally.

         “Don´t play dumb, Gerard. You wanted to make sure I hadn´t been turned. I can guarantee you that my focus on my job has never been so strong!”

         “The last time we saw each other I couldn´t but notice that you were less than pleased to see me. You tried to hide it, but I know you too well. Furthermore, your handlers speak of a growing attachment to your… mark. You must understand that this might make us worried, right?” This was an ego issue. Even if the Centre wasn´t happy about it, they wouldn´t intervene to stop her having the child. It was Cuvee she had to convince.

         “Us? Is the Centre really worried? It´s relatively normal to have children to cement covers. Normally, it happens in couple’s missions, but still.”

         “Your mission is not a normal one, Irina. Why would you make it more difficult by having a child?”

         Laura’s mind was working fast on a way to allay his suspicions. “Because it´s the smart thing to do! I´m married to Jack for two years now. I´m getting to the age when most American women already have one or two children. Also, by having his child I gain a leverage on him that can eventually be useful. Finally, I confess I find myself wanting to have it…to play happy families for a while. I am, after all, a woman…is that so wrong?” Her logic and sincerity seemed undeniable. Cuvee couldn’t argue with her arguments. Besides, his misogyny made him predisposed to believe that women were weak when it came to children. Nonetheless, her petulance irritated him. He still didn’t know if he could trust her.

         “You argue well, I give you that”, he replied after a few seconds, “but, then again, you always have. The thing is, I'm still not convinced we should jeopardise your mission by adding an extra layer of difficulty.… and you still haven´t answered about your renitence on our last encounter.”

         Cuvee was so tiresome, she thought despairingly. Conversations with him were like an endless tennis match, with the players boringly throwing the ball from one side of the court to the other until one of them gave up and conceded a match point. But she knew what she had to do. She approached him slowly, like a cat preparing for a hunt.

         “Did I hurt your feelings? It was my wedding day, after all, and even if it wasn’t real, a woman has her whims. And you did ruin my lingerie!”, she said in a languid tone, arching her eyebrows to feign offence.

         Cuvee looked at her body appreciatively. “I am starting to see your point, but I remain sceptical!”. His hands went to rest on her hips “aren´t you afraid this venture of yours will ruin your body?”

         She shrugged to this last provocation “Let me state my case using other arguments…” Laura kissed him and then threw him on the bed. She was terribly nauseous, but she knew this had to be the performance of a lifetime. She started to take off her clothes. Then, like she knew he would do, he took over and almost ripped the rest. She could always trust his eagerness to get ahead in the game. When they were done, Cuvee was completely reassured of her loyalty to the cause and, most importantly, to him. He lay there, with his arm around her, enjoying the perks of his success as a spymaster. Irina was one of his highest bets and she would pay off, he was sure of it. She lay there, concentrating fully on not being sick and taking comfort in the fact that she would be allowed to keep her baby.

         “What about the child?” He asked suddenly.

         She tensed. “What about it?”

         “What will you do with the child when your mission is over?

         She gathered all her energy to employ the most detached voice she could manage. “I’ll leave it for him. It won´t matter anymore then”.

         Cuvee paused. “You´re evil”. He laughed, cruelly.

Chapter 16: A personal day

September 22nd 1974     

       Laura spent half an hour in the shower trying to wash away Cuvee's stench. Whenever she closed her eyes she could feel his touch, his breath on her neck. She wanted to scream. Tears ran freely on her face, washed away by the shower water. Everything had changed for her in the past few days. She felt overwhelmed, tired of striving for control. Her decision had been clear in her mind since the moment she had made it. But only now was she beginning to comprehend the consequences of it. To herself, to Jack and to their child.

      When she got out of the tub and wrapped herself in the towel, she felt a strong nausea. She only had time to jump to the toilet before emptying the content of her stomach. Afterwards, she lay on her back on the floor, clutching the towel in her hands, eyes closed, feeling her head spinning around. When she tried to stand, a second wave of nausea had her in the toilet again within seconds. Her whole-body was trembling from the effort and from the cold. She was still wet from the shower and had only the towel to cover her. Strangely enough, the contact with the cool tiles felt reassuring, so she let herself slide until the right side of her face was on the floor and stood there for a while. She couldn’t move. Every time she tried the nausea worsened.

      Jack found her twenty minutes later and immediately tried to help her up.

      “Laura, what happened?” He asked worriedly. His voice sounded distant, muffled.

      She tried to answer, but when he lifted her body from the floor the nausea returned, and she plunged once again into the toilet. There was nothing on her stomach, but her body was rebelling against her.

      When it was over, Jack made sure her weight was being supported by the toilet seat and went to the cabinet to get a clean towel. He soaked it in the sink and pressed it against her face. The cold was a relief. He reached for her bathroom robe and carefully wrapped her in it, holding her against his chest. They stood like that for a long time before the worst of the nausea was over. He then carried her to the bed and dressed her in her pajamas before covering her with a blanket and letting her fall asleep.

      When Laura woke up, Jack was by her side in their bed, fully clothed, sitting over the covers. His head was resting against the headboard of the bed, and he had his eyes closed.

      “Jack”. She called.

      He immediately opened his eyes, alert. “Are you alright?”

      “I think so”, she replied hesitantly, “what time is it?”

      “It´s 10 am.”

      “It´s tomorrow? What about school? My classes?” She started to get up.

      “I´ve called the university, don´t worry”, Jack reassured her, “stay still.”

      “And your work?”

      “I took a personal day”.

      “You took what?” She looked at him surprised. Jack had never missed a day of work since they were together.

      “I wasn´t going to go to work and leave you alone like this”.

      “I don’t know what happened, I was fine and suddenly…”

      “I´ve read about this nausea. It´s supposed to be normal in the early stages of the pregnancy, but if you want to go to the doctor, I can call right now and...”

      She smiled. “No, I´m fine! I am actually hungry…I think.” She started to move.

      “Stay still!”, Jack repeated, “I´ll bring you breakfast”.

      Laura smiled and nodded.

      Ten minutes later he brought her a tray with buttery toast and jam. There was also orange juice and coffee.

      “You did all this?” She asked, looking at the tray.

      “Yes!” Jack answered proudly. “I even squeezed the oranges myself. But I think I might have broken the toaster… and the coffee might be undrinkable…” His expression was so boyish she couldn´t help but laugh. Jack was back to his old self. He was not consumed by guilt anymore. Her gamble had worked. At least that part of it. The real cost would come later. She was going to have a child, an American child. A child she was going to leave behind one day, as Cuvee had rightly pointed out. If she went back to Russia next year, she would leave a baby that would never even remember her face. If she stayed longer, the cut would be harsher. She would have bonded with the child. Laura stopped for a second to contemplate that future. “Stop it”, she told herself. It was too dangerous. Either way, Jack would have someone to love, something to soften the blow of her departure. Her betrayal. Her laughter turned into tears and Jack hugged her tenderly. He was thinking her emotional turmoil was due to her getting to grips with her new role as a mother to be. Laura looked into his eyes and tried her best to convince herself that all of it would be worthy in the end.

Chapter 17: Then you better succeed

October 8th 1974    

      The two weeks after the Sloanes´ party had passed in a daze. The morning sickness had worsened before it got better. Jack was swamped at work, but he still tried to be there for her. He arrived home earlier and tried to make up for it by reading reports by her side in bed while she read and log after she had fallen asleep. Normally he worked on his study or late at night on the living room table, storing the documents safely in his briefcase, where she would find them, but Laura took this opportunity to pick up as much as she could. She even dared to ask him some questions and he told her the general topics, sometimes a bit more. Her pregnancy had, in fact, brought them closer. Jack felt even more deeply responsible for her, which, in a way, caused her more anguish than before.

       She had gone to the doctor, alone. She needed time to adjust to it on her terms, and men didn't usually go to these things anyway, even though Jack had offered. The doctor told her everything was as expected and she was relieved. Stella´s miscarriage was still very much present in her mind.

      If Jack gave her some space when she needed it, Emily, on the other hand, didn’t. If she had felt any hint of sadness of not being pregnant herself, she had hidden it perfectly. In fact, she was so enthusiastic that Laura often felt exhausted just by having her around. Emily had already bought dozens of tiny clothes and made plans to turn Jack’s office into a nursery. “It just has more light than your spare room! Babies need light”. It was draining to always seem excited at her latest project. Thankfully, work provided a respite

      That’s what she was thinking as she was holding a tray in her hands as she waited for her coffee to be served. She looked around. The cafeteria at the Lauinger Library was half deserted. She spotted two colleagues from the History Department on a table near the window. Then her eyes fixed on the man next to her. Tom smiled back at her. He looked calm, relaxed. Much different from their last meeting. Still, her gut instinct was telling her something wasn't right. What was he doing there? He had knocked on her office door in the middle of the afternoon, asking if she had time for a coffee. He said he needed her feminine insight. So, she had closed the extraordinarily boring book she was reviewing and here they were. 

      Once they had their coffees, they walked to a table at the end of the room. Laura noted that Tom had purposefully chosen a secluded spot. She ran scenarios in her mind. Maybe he was still embarrassed about their last meeting. Everything that had happened later that night had almost made it vanish from her mind, but his tension with Jack had been palpable. Or maybe he was there to profess his feelings for her. The thought revolted her stomach. She didn’t have the patience to deal with that at this point.

      “What are you doing here, Tom? I thought you guys were buried at work this week”, she said, taking a sip of her coffee. Black, no sugar.

      “Oh, you know, I had to deliver some documents at the French Embassy”, Tom replied, shrugging. His eyes however were fixed on her and she couldn't make out if it was a flattering gaze or not, “and I wanted to talk with you, I’ve been thinking about the way I behaved at Emily’s party. I wanted to apologize”.

      “You don’t need to apologize, Tom”. She smiled reassuringly.

      He grinned sadly. “Thank you for saying that, but you know I do. I was behaving like an idiot. Just like Alice always said”. Tom had this knack for eliciting protection from women, for looking like a lost romantic, a literary character. She could see it a mile away.

      “Have you talked to her since?” She asked, taking his cue.

      “No, not really.” He paused, seeming to be weighting his next words.

      “Jack told me the news”, he said finally, “I guess I should have started by congratulating you.” His tone was strange, like he was reproaching her rather than congratulating her.

      “Thank you.” She smiled modestly. “It was a surprise, we´re still adjusting to the idea.” It was entirely true. Her body was already changing but the reality of having a baby growing inside her was still very strange to her.

      “Well, pregnancy seems to agree with you, you´re even more beautiful than usual” he paused again “Jack is really happy too. So, I guess my question would be… как вы можете это сделать?[1]”

      She wasn’t ready for that. But she recovered quickly from the surprise and looked at him puzzled. “Tom? Are you ok?”

      “Don´t bother pretending, Laura. I know.” Tom’s bonhomie had been replaced by a steely, icy gaze.

      “I don’t understand," she replied. Her brain working fast, trying to figure out her next move. It was the second time she was in this situation in a short time. But everything had changed for her since then. She knew that getting caught this time was different. She became very aware of her surroundings, visualizing the entire cafeteria, thinking of something to use as a weapon, a way out. But was there even a point?

      “You don't need to plan some daring escape, I won't harm you”, Tom had guessed her intentions, “I know you are KGB, Laura. Don´t worry”, he added quickly in a low voice,       “I´m not here to arrest you. I'm here to help”.

      “Help?” Her heart was beating fast and without realizing it her hand covered her stomach protectively.

      “Yes”. He said firmly.

      She looked at him carefully. “And how do you intend to do that?” She hadn´t acknowledge anything yet. She was giving him rope, striving for time to think.

      “We’ll figure it out”. Tom replied. His tone was reassuring. “You know, I would have never suspected you. It was all thanks to Robb”, he continued answering her unasked question, “he called me the day they left for Angola, told me to check something for him in a PO box at Union Station. Alice and I were having an almighty row, so I forgot all about it for months. Then, after she left, I found the note where I had written down the address and decided to check it. There it was. His research into you. Robb was nothing but thorough, I had but to tight up some loose ends”. He smiled sadly.

      Laura looked at him, defiantly. “Then you know what happened to Robb.”

      “Don't threaten me”. He said dismissively.

      “I'm just stating a fact”.

      “You´re better than that. He wanted to give you a chance to turn yourself in by your own volition.  And I'm sure you considered it”

      “Why are you so sure of that?”

      “Because you love Jack”, Tom replied. His tone was dead serious now. “I know you do. I saw you in that hospital when Jack came in. Whatever lies you´ve told him, me, and everyone else, what I saw that day was real love. So, that leaves us only two options: either you and I figure a way to fix it, or I’ll take you to Langley and break Jack’s heart.” Tom´s tone was a mixture of disappointment and bitterness, he was taking her treason personally, but at the same time his words weren't accusatory or threatening.

      She didn’t reply. A jolt of terror hit her every nerve.

      “Good, I think we are reaching an understanding. I need you to answer some questions”.

      Silence.

      “Are you a Directorate S agent?”

      Silence.

      “Are you going to make me believe that your loyalty has remained unmoved?” Tom pressed again.

      Silence.

      “Liar!” He spat, without raising his voice, “either you answer me now or I’ll arrest you right here and now in front of the entire university”. Even now he wasn’t really threatening her. He was calling her bluff, as if he had all the confidence in the world about which option she was going to choose.

      She looked at him for a few seconds without replying. Her demeanor was unchanged, but her heart was racing faster. Then slowly she nodded her head.

      “Did the KGB mandate you to seduce Jack and marry him?”

      “Why does it matter?” She wouldn't admit that out loud, not to Tom.

      “Answer the question.”

      “You already know the answer”.

      “And the baby?”

      She glared at him. “Do you honestly think I would have gotten myself into this situation for any other reason than out of love for him?” 

      Tom went silent.

      “What happens now?” she asked.

      “Now we will devise a plan for you to make up for what you did”.

      “Why?” She was trying to understand his motives. He was a CIA officer, bound to turn her in. Plus, he was in love with her, and she was unavailable to him, so why was he doing this?

      “Has Jack ever told you how we met?”

      “I have no interest in a sentimental story, when you hold my life, Jack´s life, in your hands. Tell me why!”

      Tom paused, measuring her. “Because Jack doesn’t deserve to see his whole life destroyed.” He said finally “And because your child doesn’t deserve to be born in prison”. The glint in his eyes revealed that this was not the whole story. He couldn’t bring himself to turn her in. Laura relaxed her muscles a bit. She had to play her cards carefully, but his feelings for her were, in fact, a potential weakness.

      “I suppose it doesn’t hurt that you now have leverage over me” she said softly.

      “Who do you suppose me to be?”, he was enraged at her comment but calmed himself quickly. “On a second thought, I probably deserve that.” He squeezed his coffee cup in his hands and paused for a few seconds before continuing “First you tell me your name”, he asked. “Your real name”

      She ignored his question and insisted. “Tell me your plan.”

      Tom rolled his eyes. For a couple of seconds, she thought he would keep pressing her, but then he relented. She had thrown him off balance. It was a small win, but a win, nonetheless.

      “You are presumably a trained agent, Laura. You know as well as I do that the only way you get out of this situation is to become a double agent…”

      “That's out of the question”. She cut him mid-phrase.

      “Would you rather be in jail? This way you might, just might, earn his trust back some day. Jack might forgive you if you´re willing to make amends.”

      “Make amends for serving my country?”

      “For betraying him”. It was impossible. She knew a good double would never be retired, and a bad one was a liability that no one would raise a finger to protect. But she had been made, so she had nothing to win but the hope of keeping some form of status quo.

      “Do you realize I can be killed for even having this conversation? And Jack too.” Her tone softened a little.

      Tom shrugged. “That’s why we need to be smart about it”.

      “What makes you think you can trust me?”

      “I trust your love for Jack”, he replied, “and I trust your intelligence.”

      She smiled faintly. She wanted him to know his compliment had flattered her. “I could just agree to work for you and then run away, or have you killed”.

      “I don´t believe you will. You'd never bring yourself to take that child away with you. And Jack would hunt you down to the end of the world if you did.”

      She paused. “So, you would be my CIA handler, is that it?”

      “Something like that. A Directorate S agent turning double. It will be the coup of the century. No one can know the details about it”, Tom explained, “It’s too dangerous. I’ll talk to Director Devlin to get approval for the operation, but your identity will remain a secret. We’ll set up a protocol for you to keep me informed about the instructions you receive from the KGB.”

      “You are going to run a counter-intelligence operation without the FBI picking up on it?”

He nodded. “Believe it or not, I can be careful when I want to”

      “What about Jack and the rest of the CIA?

      “Jack is one of our best agents. But his clearance, though certainly above mine, has its limits. As I’m sure you know”. Tom’s tone sounded more acidic than he intended to, “regardless, the rest of the Agency will only know that I have a source inside the Directorate S”.

      “So, I'm a trump card to advance your career. Is that it?”

      “No, Laura, you´re my friend.” Tom put his hand above hers, but she quickly withdrew it.

      “What if the Centre became suspicious, or my handler, I mean, there are so many flaws in that plan of yours, I can't even begin to describe…”

      Tom grinned sardonically. “You have fooled Jack Bristow, and us all, for that matter, for three years. I think you’ll manage”.

      “And if they order me back to Moscow?”

      “Make sure they don’t. We’ll keep feeding you some information for you to pass on to your superiors. Nothing that threatens national security, but enough to satisfy them.”

      “You assume that it is that easy?”

      “I think you are properly motivated”, he paused, “and that we can make a great team.”

      “You're asking me to betray my country.”

      “You betrayed your country the moment you fell for Jack. We´re just balancing out the chess board.” He thought he understood everything.

      She sighed. “It's more complex than that”.

      “I know it is, Laura”, he replied in a serious tone, “but you don't have a choice here. And I promise I won’t ever ask you to directly put anyone you care about at risk, which is more than the KGB did for you” he seemed honest.

      “I doubt you can keep that promise”, she shrugged, “but thank you for saying that”.

      Tom smiled. “Now we should both get back to work”, he said suddenly. “I’ll let you know when we are clear to begin your new mission”.

      A suicide mission, she thought, but nodded with forced admiration. “You´ve really thought this through, haven’t you? But you still don´t have Devlin’s approval. What happens if the plan fails, and they demand to know my identity?”

      “In that case you´ll end up in prison and I´ll have destroyed my career. Or maybe I’ll be right there with you in jail”.

      “Then you better succeed.” Her tone was calm, business-like but she knew she was lost now. Her life was now in Tom´s hands.

      “I will!” Tom replied. She could sense he was feeling triumphant. So, as they got up to leave, she decided it was time to play another card. “My name is Irina. And that's all you´re going to have for now.”

      When he turned the corner she leaned against a corridor wall, feeling the world collapsing around her. This time she was done for. She couldn´t turn to the KGB for help at this point: Tom wouldn’t have confronted her in this calculated way if he hadn’t taken precautions first to guarantee that her secret would be out if something happened to him, though he had had the courtesy not to point that out. No, the Centre would probably just extract her and send her to a prison camp as punishment. Or they would force her to become a triple agent. Using the child as leverage. That could always be an option, if it suited her, if it became a necessity. But only if it was on her terms, not theirs. For now, she had no choice but to play along with Tom and try to find a way to extricate herself from this situation. She needed time.

 

[1] How can you do it?

 

 

TO BE CONTINUED

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 6 of Love Will Tear Us Apart