Shame, Shame (You've Got No One But Yourself to Blame)

by Anonymous

Summary:

“What the hell are you doing, man?” Maury said, moving to bat the other on the shoulder before dropping his hand at the last moment. “These kids banished you. They hate you.”

 

“Ah, they don’t hate me,” Lionel tutted. “They hate being ashamed. It’s nothing personal.”

 

“I hate you,” Maury said. “Personally.”

 

Or,

The Shame Wizard returns after being cast out by the kids of Bridgeton Middle.

Chapter 1: Girls Are Angry Too

“Missy, why don’t you stand up?”

“Uh…” She stood, warily watching as two hundred eyes landed on her.

“Everybody look at Missy,” Mr. Lizer began. “There’s absolutely nothing provocative about her clothing.”

Missy wanted to feel proud of the praise, despite the circumstances. She wasn’t usually one to seek attention, but who doesn’t want to be made a positive example in front of their peers? As her mother would say, society had trained women to see chastity as virtue.

“The way she’s dressed, she could be a boy, or a girl, or a minion from the Despicable Me franchise. Some of you sexy girls should be more like Missy.”

Every one of her classmates were staring right at her. It wasn't quite as bad as the glow-worm incident, but there were certainly more people in the room. “Oh, god. My happy place…” She mumbled, willing her brain to dissociate itself from the situation.

Suddenly, she was on board her starship, in her rightful place (that she earned through rigorous training and appropriate leadership experience) as respected captain. Lizer now took a form reminiscent of a Star Trek Cardassian on the viewscreen.

She sighed. “That’s better.”

Lizer the Lizard wore a smug expression as he spoke. “Captain Foreman-Greenwald, my crew is extremely distracted by your crew’s uniforms. Command your officers to change, at once!”

She glanced at her crew before standing up to respond with gusto. “I will not! My crew reserves their right to freedom of expression, as given to them and immutable by Federation law!”

She gestured to her left. “If my Number One and, uh, close confidant, General Nathan Fillian wants to wear a tight, very form-fitting yet equally plausible space uniform, he can, darn it!”

“Missy, I appreciate the way you both stand up for me and make space for me to interject, thus ensuring my voice is heard in a conversation that directly concerns me. Shall we exchange a passionate, yet chaste kiss?” Nathan Fillion responded.

“Maybe in a moment, Number One.” She moved past him and next to the bucket Andrew was currently using to mop the bridge. She looked back up at Lizer, gesturing again. “If Andrew wants to wear bright purple overalls that bring out the red in his hair while also serving as a practical, stylish garment, well, that’s fine by me! I respect his choices!”

Andrew stopped mopping to glance smugly at Nathan Fillion.

Nathan Fillion scowled, before nodding appeasingly and addressing Lizer. “Yes, Andrew has the right to decide what he wears while flinging shit out of the window by hand.”

“Oh, come on.” Andrew sighed.

“Captain,” Lizer responded. “Your ship is the only one that hasn’t complied with the new dress code. Do you think you’re… special?” 

As he spoke the word, the ship shook as a green tinge filled the air.

“What- what was that?” Missy grabbed her chair for support.

She was back at the assembly, standing as her classmates and Lizer examined her outfit. 

“And so, in summary: great job, Missy. Way to dress like a unisex toddler.”

“Thank you?” She replied softly and sat down. What was that? The feeling was familiar, but she’d never had her happy place shattered like that.

“Missy, you did not just thank him.” Jessi said in disbelief.

“I don’t know why I just did that…”

---

“That rape-culture-perpetuating motherfucker!” Jessi exclaimed. The group was standing near their lockers after the assembly, all reacting very differently to the teacher’s words.

Jay shook his head. “No, Lizer’s right. We men are animals, and it’s up to girls to cover themselves up so that we don’t get the wrong idea.”

Andrew nodded. “I do feel like an animal sometimes.”

"No!” Missy interjected. “You can’t just do whatever you want and blame it on being a man. No one should be allowed to, to pull people out of wheelchairs, or to tell another person’s crew what to wear!”

“Ouch.” Andrew replied. “Wait, crew? Are people saying that now? Like, you guys are my ‘crew?’”

“Missy, you sound crazy right now!” Jay shouted. “Men are animals! And also, as a side note- in nature, animals fuck like, indiscriminately of gender. Maybe we should talk about that more!”

Nobody agrees with you.

Missy gulped. “I’m sorry. Never mind! I mean, I love animals. And I believe in sex positivity!” She ran past him, leaving the group.

---

“Um… Mom, do you have any sexy clothes?” Missy asked while her family ate dinner.

Her dad made eye contact with his wife before looking at her. “Why do you ask, Firefly?”

“All the girls at school are wearing sexy clothes to protest the new dress code…”

“Well, why didn’t you say so?” Her mom replied excitedly. 

“Um, the thing is, I’m not sure I actually feel comfortable dressing, uh, provocatively.” She admitted.

Nobody wants to see your body.

“Well, it’s your choice how to dress! That’s the whole point of the protest!” Her mom assured her.

“I can just… wear my overalls?” Missy replied excitedly.

“Of course you can!”

“Thank goodness!”

---

The next morning, Missy got dressed as she normally did. Her clothes were exactly the same as usual, but knowing that she was protesting for women’s rights made it seem exciting and different. After fixing her second button in place, she examined herself in the mirror.

“You’re gonna be late, my little social justice warrior!” Her mom called out.

Missy giggled, grabbing the sign she’d made and walking down the stairs. “Mo-om, I think that’s like, a bad thing now.”

Her dad scoffed, raising an eyebrow. “If being a warrior’s a bad thing, are Klingons not cool anymore?”

Missy gasped exaggeratedly. “If Klingons are lame, I don’t wanna be cool!”

---

She swung open the school door to find all of the girls on one side of the hall, dressed as agreed upon, and all of the boys on the other side. It looked like there may have been a fight breaking out. 

“Oh. Am I late?” She asked.

“Yes, Missy. And you’re not wearing the right clothes, either.” Devin pointed out, scowling.

Everyone’s staring at you.

“But didn’t you see my sign?” Missy held up her makeshift protest sign, reading ‘Don’t tread on our threads’ in pink marker.

“You’re like, a traitor to your gender.” Lola scoffed.

A traitor to your gender!

“Stop it! Jessi, can I get a little back up here?”

“I mean, that’s just exactly what you wear every day… that's not really going to accomplish anything.”

Missy recoiled. The weight of everyone staring fell onto her, and she felt tears sting her eyes. “I just… wanted to… be a part of this…”

And now look at what you’ve done!

Devin’s face scrunched up. “You’re crying now?”

Mr. Lizer took this moment to open his classroom door, raking his eyes across the sea of tween girls. “You all just earned yourselves an after school detention. In my classroom. Do not change clothes.” 

The group made a communal sound of disgust.

---

That night, Missy stood in front of her mirror yet again. This time, instead of her signature yellow shirt and overalls staring back at her, she found the white button-up and khaki skirt of the new school uniform. After her parents got back from the school meeting and told her what Mr. Lizer had said, she didn’t even feel like eating dinner. Now, she sobbed as she thought back on her actions that day.

“All I wanted was to wear my regular clothes…”

And look what that cost you.

“...and now everyone’s mad at me and I have to wear this!”

You should feel ashamed of yourself.

“I know.” She cried. “I know…”

Her parents would surely call her down soon, telling her she was going to be late. Maybe she should have just stayed home. Everyone would be looking at her all day. Even her friends blamed her. She really did feel…

“Wait a minute.” She sniffled. “Say that again.”

You should feel…

From the mirror she watched as the shadows behind her reflection warped and pooled, pulling the darkness from across her room into a single form. 

“...ashamed of yourself.”

Missy gasped as the figure, a boney, white-skinned creature with pointed ears took form. “I knew it!”

The Shame Wizard chuckled. “Oh, Missy, you’ve certainly made quite a mess of things, haven’t you?”

“I- I thought we got rid of you!” Her voice wavered.

The Wizard smiled, his eyes narrowing. “Indeed. It seems everyone else has. You’re the only one who can’t seem to let go of her shame, and do you know why that is, Missy?”

She sniffled. “Because I’m mature for my age?”

“No. It’s because you think you’re special.”

“That’s not true.” She said.

“Oh, but it is, isn’t it?” He waved his hand, crossing the floor to float casually against her bed. “You certainly felt special enough to be the only girl who wouldn’t join the slut walk. How do you think that made poor Jessi feel?”

She dipped her head. “Abandoned.”

The other seemed to pause for a moment. “Quite.”

---

Missy hesitated before pushing open the school door the next day. She would not- no, she could not let down her peers again. Missy Foreman-Greenwald was not a hateful person, and thus there were very few things she hated. One of those things, though, was definitely shame. Shame was the worst feeling in the whole world, and she wished that stupid Wizard would just disappear forever.

That’s why she was wearing her overalls today. Screw that stupid school uniform. Screw Lizer for making them wear them. Screw her parents for going out and buying that stupid khaki skirt. Screw the Shame Wizard for even existing!

Missy pushed the door open to a sea of khaki and white. All eyes were once again drawn to her.

She shivered as the air grew cold and green. At her side, the Shame Wizard manifested. “You just had to make yourself seem special, didn’t you?”

She took a deep breath, pointedly ignoring him as she walked through the hall. Mr. Lizer seemed to spawn as menacingly as the Wizard, looking down at her in scorn. “Miss Foreman-Greenwald, what am I not seeing on your body?”

She froze before steeling herself, anger fueled by the two sets of creepy, judgmental eyes she was now faced with. “I’m not wearing my uniform! ‘Cause it’s ugly and stupid! And you are a creepy, sexist fudge-face!” 

To her shock, Devin, Lola, Samira, and the other girls whooped and cheered. This only fueled her rage. The Shame Wizard at least had the decency to look disappointed.

“Oh, now you cheer! You shamed me for what I wore! You’re all hypocrites!”

Jay laughed from the other side of the hall. “Yeah, suck it chicks!”

“Oh, hush, Jay!” She turned. “And boys are not animals, FYI. They are capable of self-control!”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “But they still fuck indiscriminately of gender, right?”

She turned back to the teacher. “You just need to… to… shut the hell up!”

He gasped dramatically, stammering. “I don’t even know what to…”

Their principal took that moment to interject. “The kid’s right, Lizer.”

Missy glowed.

“Shut the hell up," She continued. "You made a mess of everything. Now, kids, no more uniforms. No more dress codes.”

The hallway absolutely erupted in cheers. A chant began as her peers rallied around her.

“Missy! Missy! Missy! Missy—!”

She laughed as they all gave her congratulations, Jessi giving her a playful punch in the shoulder as she grinned. The kids eventually headed for their first class, their cheers filling the hallway as they left the girl alone to stew in her righteousness.

Or, at least, she thought she was alone.

“Right job you've done, now they all think you’re special.”

She narrowed her eyes, turning on her heel to glare up at the Shame Wizard with newfound confidence. “And you.”

He raised his eyebrows, gesturing at himself in question.

“You have no power! We all vanquished you! You’re just a- just a sad, pathetic creature that preys on self loathing,” Her rage swelled, and she tried to dig up more to yell. “And, and… your eyes are creepy! Nobody wants you around!”

To her surprise, the Wizard’s face flashed a seemingly distressed expression before he turned away, quickly beginning to slip back into the shadows.

To her even greater shock, she felt an immense pang of guilt at this. “Wait!” She called out before she could stop herself.

He froze, halfway into his shadowy portal.

“Wait. Come back.” What was she saying?!

He complied, stepping back and turning towards her, face unreadable. 

She kept seeing his wounded expression in her mind. Sure, he was awful, and he said awful things. But Missy Foreman-Greenwald was, as previously mentioned, not a hateful person. And she cringed thinking of what her parents would say if they'd heard what she’d just said. 

She sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Please don’t be upset.”

His eyes widened, and he examined her before pausing. It seemed like the ghost of a grin appeared before he wrung his hands together, suddenly hesitant. “...You didn’t?”

Missy shook her head quickly. “You just say these terrible things all the time and make us all feel bad about ourselves. I mean, don’t you expect us to hate you?”

Horror came over her as she watched him tear up, turning away once more as his shoulders shook slightly. “You all hate me?”

Her body felt clammy with anxiety. “No-! I just mean- I hate feeling ashamed! We all do! It’s nothing, uh, personal!”

The Wizard wiped his face with his sleeve before turning tentatively back to her. “D’you you really think my eyes are weird?”

Now she felt like crying. “No! Oh my gosh, did I say that? I am not a…” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “...Bodyshamer! And I don’t insult people based on physical characteristics!”

Wasn’t that what she had done, though? If her mother could see her now, she would feel… ashamed.

“So, you’re alright if I stay?”

Missy furrowed her brow, looking up at him conflictingly. Didn’t she owe him that much? She knew what it was like to feel othered by her peers, and they’d all cast him out at the eclipse sleepover. Not to mention she’d just insulted him to his face. How awful of a person must she be to have managed to make the Shame Wizard insecure?

“Yes. If it’ll make you happy, you can stay.”

Any trace of unhappiness vanished from him in an instant. “Oh, goody. Missy, you and I are going to become very good friends.”

Chapter 2: Interlude 1

“You have no power! We all vanquished you! You’re just a- just a sad, pathetic creature that preys on self loathing,” Missy looked up at him with absolute hatred. “And, and… your eyes are creepy! Nobody wants you around!”

Lionel scoffed. Her words mirrored those of Maurice on that fateful night. It was clear that this was a mistake. He shouldn’t have expected to be able to return so quickly after being united so strongly against. Interacting further would only spin the girl further into anger— or worse, self-confidence. What a pity.

At least he’d started here. None of his coworkers were involved with this one yet. He wouldn’t have to deal with their goading upon his failure. He turned briskly to leave. It may give the child the illusion of victory in the short-term, but one has to cut their losses.

“Wait. Come back.”

He paused, turning back to face her. It was risky to let her continue berating him, but he couldn’t deny his curiosity.

“...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Please don’t be upset.”

He blinked. Did this child actually care about his feelings?

Unlikely. However, the alternative was just as enticing. Even in the midst of insulting him, she felt ashamed. Could he use this?

“You didn’t?” He baited.

He watched as she shook her head forcefully, eyes locked on his. “You just say these terrible things all the time and make us all feel bad about ourselves. I mean, don’t you expect us to hate you?”

Hm. Well, his coworkers very clearly did, and they all knew that he was simply fulfilling his role. Of course these children, with no knowledge of The Department, would assume him to be some malicious entity. That didn’t mean it didn’t sting. Maurice, Constance, Walter… Grace. Even Pete, supposedly the logical one, was cold and distant to him compared to the Lovebugs. 

It really did hurt. Not that he’d ever admit it, but he’d even considered throwing in the proverbial towel and asking that these children be reassigned. Oh, what his Mummy would have said…

Missy’s eyes watched him wide as saucers for his response. Never in any of his classes at Notre Shame had he heard of a case where a Wizard was able to shame a human for how they had treated the Wizard. This, if successful, could cement him in infamy forever. He could see it now- Shame's Next Step, by Lionel St. Swithens, with a foreword by Rita St. Swithens. 

It wasn’t hard to force his eyes to water- Lionel took pleasure in crying himself to sleep most nights. He was practiced. He turned his back from the girl when he was sure she’d seen. “You all hate me?”

He could hear the shame drip into her voice. “No-! I just mean- I hate feeling ashamed! We all do! It’s nothing, uh, personal!”

She could really teach his coworkers a lot. Perhaps this girl’s parents had raised her correctly. Luckily for him, he was intimately familiar with her family’s values, indeed. He rubbed his sleeve across his face where tears had accumulated, glancing back at her. “D’you really think my eyes are weird?”

A small twist. She had said creepy, not weird. Lionel was a thorough study of his clients, however, and Missy was no stranger to being called weird herself. She looked horrified. “No! Oh my gosh, did I say that? I am not a… bodyshamer!”

Bingo.

“And I don’t insult people based on physical characteristics!”

Well, that was patently false, but the guilt in her tone was delicious. He turned fully to face her, almost too giddy to maintain his sullen performance. “So, you’re alright if I stay?”

It felt like an eternity passed as the tween battled with her morals. Lionel was very doubtful this little charade would work, but he would’ve never forgiven himself if he hadn’t tried. He wouldn’t exactly feel any worse if she recoiled now than if he had just left in the first place, anyway; no human would actually invite him to return.

“Yes. If it’ll make you happy, you can stay.”

If he were a Lovebug, he was certain he would have been glowing. This client was actually asking him to stay. “Oh, goody.”

He was at the end of a dark tunnel, with this girl’s shame— and that of her friend group, if he played his cards right— being the beautiful light creeping up on him.

“Missy, you and I are going to become very good friends.”

Notes:

Possible titles for Lionel's imaginary book included 'Shameception,' and 'The Logical Evolution of Shame,' PLEASE let me know if you have a better one than what I went with, it sucks.

Chapter 3: Cellsea (Matthew)

Summary:

Lionel helps Maury and Matthew with an issue. Oh, by 'help,' I mean the opposite.

“Ooh, Aiden looks cute in that picture! Like it, like it, like it!”

Lionel observed as Maury pestered his client for the umpteenth time that morning. He had yet to reveal himself, slinking in a shadowy, formless state. Missy was a surprising success, but Matthew made for a promising next target. Little-Miss-Divorce was far too riddled with apathy, and he couldn’t yet bring himself to think of Andrew, that filthy little pervert. 

“No! It’s from a year ago. I don’t want him to know how deep I am in his feed.” Matthew swatted his Hormone Monster away.

They continued their shameful little scroll for several more minutes before the boy’s phone began to vibrate. “Oh my god- oh my god, he’s FaceTiming me?”

“Great, here we go!” Maury stood, following him as he paced anxiously. Now, this looked promising…

“No! Decline, decline!” Matthew desperately tapped at his phone screen.

Maury looked altogether disappointed. “Why did you do that?”

“I don’t even know what I’d say to him.” The teen lamented. “Oh, shit. I’m just gonna text Jessi.”

Lionel’s eyes widened as he watched the boy haphazardly type out the message. The woosh of a sent text was like an overture of the glorious events to come.

Aiden

I think I just blew it with Pharmacy Boy. :(

“Oh, shit!” Sweet, sweet crescendo.

“What?”

“I just sent that to Aiden!” Matthew cried out.

“Why would you do that?” Maury fretted. As much as Lionel loathed to praise others (in a PG context), Maury was a very adept Hormone Monster. This meant he often became overinvested in his clients’ lives.

“Because you were distracting me, you jerk!” Matthew brought his hands to his head, pacing as his actions set in. “What do I do? What should I do?”

“Kill yourself!” Maury supplied.

Well, well, it was almost as if Maury wanted to summon him. He took that moment to reveal himself, pulling the shadows of the space into a pool and floating up from the floor. 

His chuckle reverberated through the darkened bedroom. Both Matthew’s and Maury’s eyes widened as they tensed. “Oh, Maurice, you’re doing my job for me!”

Matthew shivered, then quickly refocused on his phone. “Ugh, what have I done?”

Meanwhile, Maury narrowed his gaze, looking at Lionel in silent accusation. It made sense for him to be questioning the Wizard’s return. It was rare for a creature to be so thoroughly cast out— by an entire school of clients, no less. Lionel was both department head and sole Shame Wizard at their branch of HR— he had leeway in his interpretation of proper procedure. The extreme circumstantial specificity only cemented his conclusion: little risk, high reward.

Poor little Missy had demonstrated quite clearly that this could indeed prove viable still. 

“What have you gone and done now, Matthew?” Lionel taunted, looming above the boy’s phone screen.

He groaned. “Oh, just completely ruined my chances with the only out gay boy in the county.”

“Indeed! How do you think poor Aiden feels knowing you’re talking about him to other people? Quite the gossip, aren’t you?”

Maury scoffed. “Do you know how many smut letters the Dear Abby chick gets a week? Gossip is fuckable.”

Lionel’s eyes followed Matthew as he shook his head, placing his phone face-down on the bed. “No, gossip is a stereotype. He’s gonna think I’m some baby gay, straight out of Glee.”

“‘Straight out of Glee’ may be an oxymoron.” Maury muttered.

“Isn’t that your one defining trait, though?” Lionel continued. “I know I’ve missed a few chapters here, but don’t you run a schoolwide gossip channel?”

Maury gestured, exasperated. “It’s the news, Lionel! Do you know how many smut letters Lester Holt gets?”

Matthew huffed. “No, he’s right. I always— wait, your name is Lionel?”

Maury gave him a sort of sheepish wince. The Wizard sighed, closing his eyes momentarily before picking up the phone. “Here, why don’t you ask… well, anyone, really. Go on, ring up that rather monotone acquaintance of yours and ask him if you’ve really just been angling for a Pulitzer.”

Matthew took the phone. “I may cover gossip sometimes, but I cover it fairly! I am not a biased reporter.”

“Hmm, and would—”

The three started as the cell phone lit with a buzz. Matthew recovered quickly, pulling himself away as he moved to answer it. “Ugh, Jessi’s calling me. Maybe she can talk me down from going into witness protection.”

He glanced between the creatures before stepping into the hallway the way one would politely leave a work meeting. 

“What the hell are you doing, man?” Maury said after the door clicked shut, moving to bat the other on the shoulder before dropping his hand at the last moment. “These kids banished you. They hate you.”

“Ah, they don’t hate me,” Lionel tutted. “They hate being ashamed. It’s nothing personal.”

“I hate you,” Maury said. “Personally.”

“It would certainly seem so. You’re trying your best hand at sabotage, eh?”

Maury scowled. “It’s not sabotage to think you’re fucking stupid.”

Lionel raised his eyebrows. The other continued. “You can’t be offended that I’m doing my job.” He pronounced ‘offended’ in a particular way— we know each other too well for this exchange, it might have implied.

Did they? “Not quite what I meant by sabotage.”

The Monster tilted his head down minutely. Lionel reran Maury’s words, their delivery. The slight and subtle squint in his eye that may have emphasized an entirely different part of his sentence. ‘You can’t be offended—’ You can’t think that was on purpose.

Maybe they did know each other.

“I’d appreciate it if you’d refrain from directly undermining me in the future.” Lionel tested.

Although he felt very little in the way of actual annoyance, Maury’s reaction fascinated him— that is, if Lionel was interpreting it correctly; a significant clause, given the opposing cultural norms between them. It was not wholly unfounded; many Shame Wizards would react with cold distance or blatant hostility in response to the slight of revealing their name to a client. 

That was certainly one difference between them. Shame Wizards were not meant to be a familiar and constant presence, as Hormone Monsters were for their clients. Giving the client their name was a normal part of an introduction for them. Rita St. Swithens, however, somewhere in her large body of academic text, had coined the act of maintaining such distance a ‘strategic device.’ 

He wondered if Maury had encountered this particular intricacy before, or simply heard it in some mandatory office training film on cultural sensitivity. Lionel was far from the only Shame Wizard that Maury had ever worked with, easy as it was to forget when they shared so many clients. The image of Maury being scolded by Lionel’s mother was certainly something…

“Right,” Maury interrupted the fantasy, crossing his arms. “Remind me again— didn’t you get me high on coke so you could make our client dry hump a girl?”

“You weren’t exactly hesitant, now, were you? Besides, you know as well as I do that I didn’t have to make Andrew do anything.”

Maury exhaled a chuckle. “Yeah, that kid’s a riot. Speaking of which—” He glanced at Matthew’s bedside alarm clock. “—it’s almost time for his 4:30.”

As he moved to leave, Lionel held up a finger in question. “Shouldn’t you, eh, wait for Matthew?”

Maury paused, eyeing the other with a strange expression. “I don’t exactly see Matthew’s phone call with Jessi going anywhere sexual. You do you, though.”

Lionel watched the other leave, feeling strangely condescended to. Matthew’s phone call was a dead end, indeed— Jessi was likely reassuring him that the slip-up wasn’t a big deal, making him feel better.

What a waste. 

Lionel opened a portal, as well. He really should check in on Missy…

Notes:

I accidentally put way too much thought into this. I have so many headcanons about the HR creatures, srsly. ALSO I didn't WANT to write the mom thing 😭 but omg the amount of screentime lionel spends talking about that 😭😭 that is NOT on me

thank you so much for reading!!

 

link to the fantastic ios text skin here!

Notes:

let's be tumblr friends <3