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Putting down his phone and looking around at his closest friends, Buck said, “You know, I really should have known earlier that I liked guys too.”
It was a q-word day at the station and they were just finished with their designated chores. Some other teammates were still bustling around downstairs or catching up on some sleep in the bunkroom. Buck, Hen, Eddie and Chimney decided to have some downtime in the loft. Having their interest piqued, they put down their phones too, ready to engage in some conversation.
“Don't beat yourself up over it, all journeys are different,” said Hen, always the reasonable one. The others nodded in agreement and Buck smiled at her.
“While I do appreciate it, Hen, and wholeheartedly agree– It’s just that, I've been with men before, before Tommy, but just never thought anything of it.”
“You've been with other men?” Questioned Eddie and Buck couldn't help the sudden laughter that bubbled up from him.
“Sorry, it's just that you sound like-” at the earnest look Eddie gave him, Buck shook his head and decided to just let it go, muttering out a nevermind.
“Anyway,” said Hen, looking amusingly at Buck. “How could you have been with men before and not realized that you were bi?”
“Yeah, Buckley, that is kinda stupidly dumb, even for you,” Chimney said, only snickering when Buck gestured a ‘fuck you’ towards him.
“Well, to answer your question, Hen,” Buck said, pointedly ignoring Chimey who just took his cold-shoulder in stride. “When I was younger, like 23 I think? I had recently arrived in LA. Anyway. I used to go to these… parties.”
“Parties?” Asked Eddie.
“Adult… parties,” Buck tried.
That earned a look from Hen. “Subtle.”
“Wait, you went to swinger parties?” Erupted Chimney, both his and Eddie's eyes going wide.
"Apparently subtle enough,” chuckled Buck at Hen, who gave him an eye roll but smiled as well.
“Yeah,” Buck continued. “Me and my partner at the time. It was usually with people we met at kink clubs, and not to be crass, but at these parties- I had sex with everybody. Didn't matter their gender.”
“Surely not everybody,” said Eddie, floundering a bit as he seemed to comprehend this side of Buck. He did know about his Buck 1.0 phase through stories, but he wasn't there to even experience that part, which Buck would have to say was a time he tried to slow it down. Definitely tamer than before. Though stealing the firetruck was still a terrible idea and a really shitty thing to do.
“Okay, not everybody,” Buck continued explaining. “Some people mostly liked to watch, and there were some straight men and lesbian women not looking to experiment that way.”
“But you looked to experiment that way yet still didn't figure it out?” Asked Hen, amused and frankly amazed at his own oblivion.
“Hey! No, I- I honestly didn't really see myself as someone who was experimenting. It just… wasn't my role, I guess.” Buck blushed at the memory, scratching at the back of his neck.
“What was your role?” Asked Chimney, too nosy to let it go.
“I, uhm– Damn we are too sober for this– I was just a sex toy,” Buck blurted out. “A doll to be used. Sex dolls don't have opinions, do they?” Buck recited. “You know?”
“What the fuck.” Was all Eddie could say.
“No, I do not know! Buck!” exclaimed Hen, just as taken aback, bewilderment matching on all their faces.
“Damn, Buck, that's hardcore! And also like, fucked up. Not to kink shame or anything,” said Chimney.
Buck only laughed. “It is a bit fucked up, but that only makes it kinkier I think.”
“But,” Eddie started, collecting himself from his astonished state. “Just because you were a… a toy… for them, doesn't mean you like, had to take whatever they told you to. You know?”
Buck couldn't help the smile that spread on Buck's face. It was nice to see Eddie care for his safety. “Don't worry Eds, I just never had men as a hard limit, -I guess now I know why- and I could always say no, or use my safeword would ‘no’ be part of the scene.”
“‘No be part of the scene’…” Chimney muttered. “You, Buckley, are a freak.” Chimney said louder, pointing a finger at him. Buck only shrugged and smiled back. But he frowned when he saw that Eddie had his eyebrows furrowed, clearly still bothered.
“Eddie, really, it was fine,” Buck tried to reassure. “We were all consenting adults and no one wanted to intentionally hurt me. I know I can be a bit, eh, self-sacrificing,” Buck heard Hen snort beside him. “And I may have not always been great at communicating when to stop, but I had a wonderful girlfriend who could see if I needed a break and would take care of me. Really, it was a safe and fun time.” Eddie smiled at the end, but more importantly, his little speech seemed to ease Eddie if just a bit, which relaxed Buck too.
“Besides,” Buck continued. “Sometimes I would be ‘pet’ too, which meant I would not only be called a desperate slut but also a good boy! Really fed into my need for affirmation. And I got lots of treats too!” Buck felt proud. “I remember one time, my girlfriend gave me away to one of the couples- which was both a woman and a man, which, yeah, so anyway- and they wanted to see if I could come just from praise alone.” Buck smiled at the memory, but then-
“Ouch!” Buck winced as he rubbed his arm, glaring at Hen from where she hit him.
“Buck!”
Buck's resolve faltered as he took in their scandalized faces, making him go red as he realized that yes they are way too sober for this and he immediately regretted ever opening this can of worms.
“You know this story got out of hand, please forget I said anything!” Buck said quickly, his words rushing as he wished for the ground to swallow him whole.
Chimney blew out a low whistle. “While a praise kink from you is much more expected, I did not and do not want to hear the extent of it. Especially since I still can't let go of the fact that you were apparently a– a plaything!”
Buck winced and he could see Eddie doing the same beside him. “Dios mío,” he muttered under his breath.
“I feel like this story became very TMI,” Buck groaned, the various incredulous shouts of his name leaving Buck a flustering mess.
“Damn right too much information, Buckaroo,” answered Hen quickly.
“I think it was doomed from the start once you mentioned a sex party.” Interjected Chimney.
Hen nodded. “I already knew more of your adventures than I would have liked even before this conversation.”
Buck sighed, fidgeting with his hands. “I just wanted to say that it was very oblivious of me. To having been with men before and not reflecting on it. I just saw sex as sex and didn't think further as to why I liked it with men because I thought I just liked the act in general. Now I understand that there was more to it. There, we don't have to talk about this anymore.” Buck finished his point and resolutely buried his face in his hands.
Eddie laughed at his misery. “I will say, it was interesting to hear all that. I definitely underestimated that part of you.”
“It's in the past! Those days are over for me and I am more than fine with that.” Buck sighed behind his hands.
“I need bleach for my ears,” Hen said, letting out a long-suffering sigh. “Or like, lots of alcohol or a brain injury to forget this conversation.”
“Buck,” Chimney said gravely, panic in his eyes. “I won't be able to not tell this to Maddie.”
Buck shot off from his seat, his own panic now consuming him. “Well you will have to! Please Chimney, you can't tell this to her!”
“You can't do that to me, Buck!”
“You can't do that to me, Chim!”
“Please someone save me from whatever this has turned into,” Hen muttered at the ceiling of the firestation.
And it seemed her prayers would be answered, because right then the bell rang out.
Quickly they got into work mode, but not without Chimney first giving her a look as if the call was her fault, huffing out about the curse. Hen had to restrain herself from doing an eye-roll, but really if anything she saw it as a blessing, so she didn't care. They descended the stairs and got into the fire engine.
“Do I wanna know?” asked Bobby, sensing an obvious tension but blissfully unaware of what caused it.
“No!” Buck quickly shouted, eyeing his teammates pointedly.
“I'm not gonna say anything,” said Hen drily. “I'm more than happy to never hear it again, less say it myself.”
“Yeah I think you'd rather sit this one out, Cap. One father to another,” Eddie said, grimacing and giving an almost pitying look at Bobby.
Confused, Bobby turned to Buck, who just tried to avoid his eyes.
“Okay,” Bobby said, looking doubtful and searching for anything that might be amiss. “As long as everything's alright now, we'll let it go and focus on the task ahead.” At Buck's nod, Bobby continued to relay the information he got from dispatch.
When Bobby was done going over the call ahead of them, Eddie knocked his knees against Buck's, getting his attention.
“Did you?” Eddie asked.
Buck looked at him confused at first, but at the glint in his eye and his teasing smile Buck remembered what he said earlier. The couple wanted to see if I could… Buck gave him back a shy smile.
“Yes,” he answered, already sensing Hen and Chimney's dismay.
“Too much information!”