BRITPOP ACADEMY

by ellie_smelly

Summary:

Jarvis Cocker the 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 new student at "Britpop academy" brings his Jarvis Journal with him and writes down all of his juicy Jarvis gossip. Alternates between different perspectives. This is the POV. This did happen. Cannon compliant. 100%. Yes. Written by a group of friends.

Chapter 1

Chapter one–

 

A clean slate (or page, rather.)

JARVIS JOURNAL POV:

My name is Jarvis Cocker... and I guess you could say… It’s a little bit 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂. It all started when my mum, Margret Thatcher, and my dad, Christopher Cocker sent me to a new school; Britpop Academy.

“Mum, Dad, I don’t want to go to private school, I want to go to a grotty pubic school and be one of the boys!!!”
Public*

“But you must learn how to make good British music and meet lots of women,” says my annoying dad who knows nothing about my edgy life.

 

“Ugh, girls are so much drama dad, I'm one of the boys.” I murmur.

*sigh* I guess you can tell, I’m kinda a tomboy… I’m just so shy and introverted! Teehee! I want to live like common people I guess… and do whatever common people do. Ergh… I’m so quirky.

Oh Well, wish me luck at “Britpop Academy”… I’m a little bit nervous! Hehe…

 

Current Time– Jarvis Cocker’s perspective.

Jarvis got out of his family car and said goodbye to his parents, taking his three cases of luggage and walking through the school gates. They were kind of rickety, and smelled of radiators and dead mice. Jarvis pulled his nose away from the metal, and continued to walk through the school gates.
The building was very square, and it looked as grotty as a public school. Hooray for Jarvis.

Windows were scattered in orderly rows along the high brick walls. This had to be home for Jarvis, and he didn’t want it to be. Walking through the grimy doors, Jarvis’s green-grey orbs fell upon a squat, decomposing man with a mop of unruly black hair. His eyes were smeared with what seemed to be tar, and death.

 

“Hello” He snarled. The man's voice sounded just like heaven! WOw!
“I need to find my way to principal Morrisseys’ office, please.”
“I’m Robert Smith.”
“Oh… Okay.”
“Yeah.”
“So…?”
“This way.”

The man walked into a shadow and completely disappeared. He was never seen again.

“That doesn’t help,” Jarvis grumbled. “I'll just sniff him out.”
Jarvis used his nose powers to sniff out the smell of vegan cheese and tofu. He passed a couple of rooms, each bearing unusual looking figures. Some young men with big eyebrows, a little boy in a cardigan, someone with perfectly symmetrical eyes. Eventually, Jarvis finally found the door he was looking for.
‘Principle Morrissey’
Jarvis opened the creakydoor and gasped.

 

A bequiffed man was sucking crazy face with a certified baddie, who seemed to have a guitar surgically attached to him.
They broke apart abruptly when they noticed Jarvis standing in the doorway. The boy with the guitar looked Jarvis up and down.
“Are those inside out lapels you’re wearing? What’s the width of your pants?”
Jarvis immediately was put on edge. This bitch was trying to out-diva him. Nuh uh.
“This is vintage Biba, bitch. Who are you and why were you pashing that old man?”
“I’m Johnny, Johnny Marr. I’m the best guitarist in this goddamn school, and I’m totally legal by the way. I got held back a few years, I got into a tricky situation with my friend Andy. Let’s just say we play with instruments now, not needles.”
Jarvis blinked. It seemed he really was with the common people now.

 

Principle Morrisey straightened his tie. “Thank you Johnny, that will be all.”
Johnny Marr brushed past Jarvis as he exited the room, throwing a wink at Principle Morrissey before saying, “You know, I’m kind of a guitarist for hire these days if you’re looking for one.”
Jarvis made a mental note. However, he could not have another person on stage looking as cunty as him. He’d have to find someone else.
“Sit down, Jarvis, I need to walk you through how things work at this school.”
Jarvis gulped and sat down.

 

“You’ll be sharing a dorm room with Justine Frischmann. Yes, she’s a girl but you look kinda gay so I think it’ll be fine. Plus she’s dating the ultra baddie Damon Albarn so she won’t be interested in a skinny git like you. She would never cheat on that man, and he would never cheat on her either. On God.”
Jarvis was disturbed by how intimately Principle Morrissey seemed to be involved with his student’s private lives. He was especially disturbed by how intimately Principle Morrissey’s tongue seemed to know the back of Johnny Marr’s throat. Also he was NOT gay why did people keep saying that???
“Also, we have strict policies on dietary requirements. Here at Britpop Academy we do NOT eat our friends. No milk, honey, eggs, and any other animal produce will be consumed within our school premises. How would you like it if you were farmed? Meat IS murder.”
Okay. Who is this crazy big headed bitch on the right and why does he have the craziest attitude. He was grasping onto JM like he was gonna be snatched!!! Girl, A LATE!”

“Sir, I understand veganism,” Jarvis said cooly “But don’t you think that the kids are gonna get scurvy?!”
No wonder Johnny Marr was so skinny. Jarvis would fit right in with all the malnourished children.
“Scurvy is a theory, right next to how the world is round. And don’t even get me started on chinese-”
“OKAYYY DAMN QUEEN” Interrupted Jarvis. “Don’t say something that could offend millions of people and get you cancelled for the rest of your career and then potentially make Johnny Marr break up with you! And keep your shirt on for Christ's sake!”
Morrissey blinked back a tear. Cocker's truthful words had obviously struck a tender part of Morriseys heart.
“Okay Cocker that’s enough. Go to your room. It's on floor q97409.”
Feeling like his visiting hours were over, Jarvis excused himself before Morrissey said something even more tragic.

 

TIMESKIP— JARVIS IS FINALLY AT HIS DORM.

 

“AGHAHAHAAAPAPAHAKA” Jarvvis gasped, after climbing q97409 flights of stairs. “I think I have a little tiny stitch, must be all those cigarettes!”
The door in front of him was wooden. It smelled like wood. It tasted like wood. It felt like wood. It must be wood. He opened the wood. Inside was presumably his roommate, Justine, in her bed, napping. Jarvis quietly tip-toed around to his bed, and started to unpack his suitcase, which contained many pairs of cunty flares, frilly patterned shirts, and multiple suits. Jarvis didn’t have pyjamas because his dad told him that his birthday suit was just as good. He wished that he had pyjamas, but his mum Margaret Thatcher could not afford them as they were going through a tough time financially. Jarvis held up his favourite shirt. He really liked this shirt.
“That shirt is a bumbaclart.” said Justine.
Jarvis turned around. Justine was very hairy and manly. Oh well. Whatever floats her boat.
“Hello Justine. I am your roommate, Jarvis Cocker.”
“Har Har. COCKer. COck. Har AHAR!!!”
Jeez, this bigheaded bitch on the right has the craziest attitude! Jarvis looked her up and down. She had one big eyebrow, and was wearing adidas trainers, adidas pants, and adidas nipples. Wait. Jarvis wasn;t supposed to see Justines nipples.

 

“AHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Jaris threw one of his bras on Justine. “Madam! Please cover your bosoms!”
“I aint a FUCKIN CHICK YOU BITCH!” Said the woman. “I AM WILLIAM JOHN PAUL GALLAGHER AND I KISS MY BROTHER! Wait shit I wasn't supposed to say that…”
Jarvis blinked. This woman was so odd.
“I’ve never met a woman named William”
“I”M NOT A FUCKING WOMAN!!!”
The door opened. Another woman walked through the door.
“Oh SHIT!!! Are you Jarvis Cocker?” Said the lady.
“Yes! I am cocky!” Said Jarvis.
“I’m Justine. I’m your new roommate— LIAM!!!! GET OUT!!!! You aren’t supposed to be here…. You were supposed to be gone ten hours ago!! Go live with Noel, even if he doesn’t know.”
Maybe Noel was Williams Boyfriend.

 

“You can’t say anything about William… Damon can’t know that I’m cheating on him.” continued Justine, looking at Jarvis with a really threatening manner.
Wow! A lesbian!
“Oh… okay!” Said Jarvis. Jarvis liked lesbians.
Liam ran out of the room in her adidas and bra. This academy was really really confusing.
Justine sat down on her bed. “So sorry about that. Sometimes he doesn’t leave. You know, he lived with Noel for six months, and he had no idea?”
Jarvis raised an eyebrow. That sounded like a toxic romantic relationship between Noel and Liam. A lady like Liam should always be cared for. So delicate. So feminine. So cockette. So sexy!
“No, I didn’t know that at all. Anything else I should know?” Queeried Jarvis.
“Uhhh… the principal and Johnny Marr are doing it.”
Jarvis already, unfortunately, had witnessed this. Diva down!
Just then, a bell tolled through the wooden walls.
“Dinner time.” Said Justine, and she walked through the door and down the stairs, leaving Jarvis in the dust. Wow! All q97409 steps in one go. That girl must be made of ELASTIC.

 

CUT TO DINNER HALL

 

The room STANK. Like blanched broccoli and hospitals because that’s where they would all end up if they continued to eat like this. Jarvypoo sat down and twiddled his toes at a table, where a hunk of uncooked tofu was marinating in a pool of tahini. Jarvis could really understand why Johnny Marr was built so twinky. Jarvis carved off some tofu and let it drop heavily onto his plate, garnishing the meal with some boiled broccoli. All of a sudden, a young, slightly pungent boy slid across the table bench beside him. He had super edgy black hair and had a super dodge expression plastered on his face.

“I’m Alex. Alex James. But you can call me Cheesy.”
Who decides to start a nickname called ‘Cheesy’? The naming system at this academy needed serious help.

“Hello… Cheesy…” whispered Jarvis, a little alarmed but also curious as to what the black haired boy had to say to him.
“Listen… I can deal you a three-ounce bag for just £14.” said Cheesy in a hushed tone.

Good god, did this cheesy boy think that Jarvis was made out of money????

“Are you trying to sell me drugs? Mummy always has drugs but she never gives me any because they're for her special research projects that happen in the bathroom!”Jarvis said alarmedly. This was true, of course.
“No, I’m not selling you drugs, I’m selling you….” Cheesy glanced around the cafeteria filled with sickly looking musicians and old men that should probably be in jail instead of hanging around young teenagers.
“a food made from the pressed curds of milk, firm and elastic or soft and semi-liquid in texture.” Cheesy continued, even quieter than before.

“What, cheese?” Jarvis said loudly. Liam Gallagher looked across the hall, scoffing. Her hairy face looked beautiful as ever. Cheesy’s eyes widened at the volume of Jarvis’s words.

“Keep quiet! Cheese is frowned upon here at BPA. Principle Morrissey will actually hit you– and not in the nice way that he hits Johnny Marr.”

 

Jarvis stood up! He could NOT take this odd attitude from the common people. He wanted to put down his lipgloss and call it a night. He could not be hiding in this wardrobe watching anyones sister and wishing to procreate with her for much longer. Time to leave these mis-shapes and have a nap!!!

Jarveypoo left the cafeteria feeling hungrier than before after his tofu-broccoli feast and once again climbed the q97409 once again, opening the very wooden door and crashing out on his bed, sprawled over all of his lingerie.

 

JARVIS JOURNAL POV:

I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE!!!! I AM NOT OKAY!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!! I WANT TO GO HOME!!! FORGET ABOUT THE COMMON PEOPLE!!!

more soon though my jarvy babes x

Chapter 2: howtthe fuk do I do this BUMBAclART

Summary:

Liam blog break

Notes:

fuckyouo

CHAPTER TWO

Liam letters.

I dont no who this cunt thinks I am but I am NOT a chik. I aint a fucig chik. Suitt wanker.
U look like a FOOKIN chic ith tht gy ass haircutt i cunt type . Need noel to help me…

BUt anyway, I wake up from a sleep and then I look to my left or maybe my right and theres this man holding ladies intimates and i’m like oi what are you doin in Justines room you know? And then im like oh right you better not tell damon about this right because ill smash your fuckig gaff up dya know what i mean? That posh twat better not tell rkid or ill get a proper bollocking coz noel’s never forgotten when justine beet him inn that arm wrestling competition…

I dunno why that jarvis id thins im a bird because its ovbious i have a peniks. I hve a big penkis. Maybe jbarbis wants myy penisk. Yum i guess
BUMBALCLART.

Chapter 3: Gallaghers Incoming

Summary:

Wach your fookin back Dermot

Chapter three

NOEL’S NOTES

Oi alright geezers it’s Noel. YES Noel is a blokes name ffs if one more twat calls me Noelene they’re gonna get a proper smack… speaking of smack, I had a run in with those cunts Damon and Justine today. Last year Principal Morrissey forbid me from standing within 10 feet of Damon, all because I told him to go die of AIDS! What’s wrong with that?!! I had to read an apology letter out loud in front of the whole school, it was double embarrassing! Plus I can’t read too good so it was rlly hard :( at least I can actually WRITE, unlike Liam lol… ANYWAY I was minding me own beeswax and having a cheeky cig when out walk Damon and his bird, so I have to scarper sharpish because I don’t want Principal Moz to find out I was being “an intolerable bully” to Damon again (wankers). So I’m hiding behind this tree right, and up comes that Cheesy kid and guess what?? HE HAD CHEESE! I never coulda seen it coming. So Damon and Justine are there buying cheese off of that lanky twat, and I’m watching the whole thing happen! This is too good to be true… if I can expose those bellends to Principal Morrissey, I can finally get my revenge on that blonde numpty and his girlfriend!! (she totally never beat me in that arm wrestle btw it’s all lies I promise) If Damon and Justine are expelled, I can become Morrissey’s new fave student, and he might even let me have a go on Johnny Marr’s guitar d’ya know what I mean? ;) LATER LOSERZ

*

Noel woke up on his creakybed and glanced over at Liam’s side of the room. Liam was still nowhere to be found, Noel guessed he was off bothering some other unfortunate souls. Oh well, that suited Noel just fine. As long as Liam showed up for their VERY IMPORTANT AND TOP SECRET APPOINTMENT today…

Noel put on his adidas everything and left the dorm room. Judging from the traumatising smells wafting from the cafeteria, it was beans and porridge for breakfast again. Noel’s stomach curdled, but before he met Liam for the VERY IMPORTANT AND TOP SECRET APPOINTMENT he had a side quest to complete.

Noel sniffed his way through the entire dormitory building, trying to identify which door carried the specific odour he was looking for. Luckily his nose was quite large so it was easy for him. Finally he found the right room. He could tell because it smelled like questionable dairy products, hair spray, and… gouda?

Noel kicked the door down. Inside, Alex James was hunched over a huge wheel of cheese. Was he caressing it? He screamed when he saw Noel. “Please! I can explain!”

“Explain this, cunt” Noel flipped him off with his two trusty fingers. “Now listen up geezer, I’ve got the scoop on you so you better do what I say!”

Alex’s brow furrowed. “Scoop? You don’t scoop cheese, you slice it.”

“WHATEVER! Point is, I know what you’ve been up to in here, and I could go and tell Principal Morrissey all about it!”

Tears welled in Cheesy’s eyes. “No, please! You don’t understand! I’ve almost perfected my prototype for the world’s smelliest blue cheese! You can’t take this away from me, it’s my life’s greatest achievement!”

Noel watched him sob into his wheel of cheese. “Mate, you should really start to focus on playing your bass again, this is a proper weird career pivot for you.”

Cheesy’s tears cleared. “You can’t take me down, Noel! I’m the only person in this school providing the kids with any nourishment! Before I started this business, I was at genuine risk of scurvy, and now look at me!” He gestured to his incredibly skinny limbs. In Noel’s opinion, he still looked highly susceptible to anaemia.

“I won’t tell Principle Morrissey about your cheese on one condition and one condition only… you help me get dirt on Damon so I can expel him! Oh, and I get free cheese whenever I want.”

Alex gasped dramatically. “Expel Damon? I can’t do that, he’s my best client!”

“Well then, I guess I have no choice…” Noel started to back up through the broken doorway.

“NO WAIT! Fine! I’ll help you.”

Noel smiled internally, since he always did his best to look moody and brooding and monobrowed on the outside. “Excellent. Here’s my number. Next time Damon sets up a cheese delivery, you flick Noely G a text and no one gets hurt. Kapeesh, cunt? Or else, you’re gonna find yourself at one of me and Liam’s VERY IMPORTANT AND TOP SECRET APPOINTMENTS, and you don’t want that, do you?”

Alex gulped and adamantly shook his head. Every student at Britpop Academy knew what that meant. “No! Please, not that!”

“Good lad.” Noel started to walk away, pleased with himself. “Oh, and tell your roommate to stop campaigning for student president, no one’s voting for him.”

Alex’s roommate Dave Rowntree had been running a tiresome campaign for years, but Noel was pretty certain Britpop Academy didn’t even offer the position of student president to any of the kids here. Maybe Dave should talk to that new kid Jarvis’ mum. Noel had heard she was a top politician that really valued the working classes. Besides, Principle Morrissey seemed pretty occupied with Johnny Marr anyway.

Noel started walking towards the gymnasium, where he and Liam were holding their VERY IMPORTANT AND TOP SECRET APPOINTMENT. Every week, Liam and Noel set up a fight club in the changing rooms at the gym, which they ran as a duo but often ended up battering each other in the ring instead. Last week, Richard Ashcroft and Lee Mavers went head to head, now Tim Burgees and Ian McCulloch were next on the docket. Britpop Academy lived in fear of Noel and Liam’s fight club, but they knew if they didn’t participate then they’d get an even worse battering from the Gallagher brothers.

Noel entered the gymnasium, where the lack of workout equipment was evident. Britpop Academy believed in keeping their musicians lanky and anaemic, so the only exercise they did was lifting guitars, cigarettes and pints.

Ian Brown, the P.E. teacher, was setting up the rows of guitars when Noel arrived. “Alright, Mr. Brown! Seen our kid anywhere?” Noel called. Mr. Brown was Noel and Liam’s favourite teacher, besides Mr. McCartney, Mr. Lennon, Mr. Harrison and Mr. Starr of course.

“Top! Nice one!” Mr. Brown responded, clearly not concerned about Liam’s whereabouts, or why Noel had randomly shown up at the gymnasium wearing boxing gloves.

Noel went to the changing rooms, waiting for his younger brother to show up. Finally Liam turned the corner, eating a plum. “Alright, bumbaclart.”

“Oi, where have you been, dickhead? I had to go confront Cheesy all on my own today! Not that it was hard, mind you, I didn’t even have to threaten his little friend with the cardigans.”

Liam’s singular eyebrow creased. “You mean that Graham twat with the glasses?”

“Yeah, him. I fucking hate his cardigans. Hey, speaking of questionable wardrobe choices, have you met the new kid yet?”

Liam’s frown deepened. “That’s right, Jarvis the gay slenderman. He thinks I’m a chick!”

Noel laughed so hard he had tears in his eyes, until Liam hit him with the plum.

“Do I look like a fucking chick to you?!” Liam yelled. Standing there with his unibrow, stubble and adidas tracksuit Noel had to admit that he looked like the exact opposite of a woman. Or maybe he just looked like Sue Sylvester on a particularly rough day.

“If you throw that fucking plum at me one more time I swear I’ll break up Oasis again!” Noel swore. “Why does he think you’re a bird?”

“Dunno. Maybe it’s because he caught me in Justine’s room and he got confused. This school really needs to invest in some Sex Education classes, honestly.”

Noel privately agreed, and given Liam’s history of siring illegitimate children, he thought his brother needed it more than most.

“Hold on. What the bloody hell were you doing in Justine’s room? Are you getting it on with that lesbian?!” Noel bellowed.

“Yeah. I’ve fancied her ever since she beat you in that arm wrestle…” Liam’s eyes clouded over in adoration.

“You wanker! She never even beat me IT WAS A DRAW I SWEAR! How could you hang around anyone who’s dating that blonde twat, don’t you know he’s my sworn enemy!”

“I can’t help the way I feel! We have such a vital connection, you know? You’re just bitter because Principle Morrissey banned you from rhyming shine with time after what you said about Dermot Oblong and the rest of those chimney sweeps!”

Noel seethed. “They may have won that particular battle, but we’ll win the Britpop war, our kid! I’m going to get Damon expelled and with him gone I might finally make it into the Top 20 Best Looking British Musicians list. Or at least the Top 40. Now are you going to help with fight club or what?”

“Fine. When do I get to fight Robbie Williams?” Liam asked eagerly.

“All in good time, our kid. For next week, I’ve got Brett Anderson vs. Ed O’Brien. Haha, that twink from Suede isn’t gonna stand a chance! Hey, speaking of twinks…”

Noel and Liam shared an evil glance, their minds both aligned with that special sibling simpatico.

“Jarvis Cocker!” They both exclaimed.

“Oh, this is too good. We’ve got to initiate that lanky bumbaclart into Britpop Academy, what better way than to give him a proper bashing at fight club!” Liam said joyously, savouring the thought of beating the skinny boy to a pulp.

“He’s all yours, our kid! We’ll see if he still thinks you’re a girl after you batter him next week!” Noel crossed out Brett and Ed’s names, scrawling instead: LIAM VS GAY KID.

“Extra points if you can take his tie!” The Gallaghers cackled maniacally. “Watch out, Cocker! We’ll show you what hardcore really is!”

Just then, Tim Burgees and Ian McCulloch walked into the changing rooms, looking like they were in a competition for who had the craziest hairstyle. They gulped when they saw the Gallaghers.

“Excellent! Step right up, lads, don’t be shy! May the best man win!” Liam and Noel yanked the other two, strapping boxing gloves on them and throwing them into the makeshift ring before they knew what was happening. As the fight commenced, Johnny Marr walked into the changing rooms.

“OMG JOHNNY MARR um I mean alright geezer whatever d’ya know what I mean.” Noel said casually. Johnny Marr was so freaking cool! His guitars and his haircuts were so ace! Noel wanted to be just like him when he grew up! Hopefully he wouldn’t have to suck face with Principle Morrissey though.

“Have you lot seen Bernard Sumner anywhere? We were supposed to form a supergroup together an hour ago, but he never showed up.” Johnny picked woefully at his guitar strings.

“He’s still in Goth 101 class with Ian Curtis!” Tim called from the boxing ring, before getting punched in the face.

“Cheers, mate! Erm, why is there a fighting arena in the changing rooms?” Johnny questioned.

“No reason! Keep asking questions like that and you’ll be next!” Liam said, before Noel slammed his hand over his mouth.

“What Liam meant to say is that your new Gibson guitar sounds really great and those skinny jeans are super flattering!” Noel insisted.

Satisfied, Johnny walked away without questioning the fight happening behind him.

“You’re so gay for Johnny Marr.” Liam said.

“No, YOU’RE so gay for John Lennon!” Noel retorted.

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

“AM NOT!”

“ARE TOO!”

The Gallaghers jumped into the boxing ring as well, pummelling each other. Tim and Ian quickly stepped aside and left the brothers to it. Everyone at Britpop Academy was used to Liam and Noel’s fist fights. It was best to give them a wide berth, and to remove any plums from the premises.

“I feel sorry for whoever has to fight them next week.” Ian McCulloch said as he and Tim walked away. “I hope it’s not that new kid Jarvis. They’ll snap him like a twig!”

*

JARVIS JOURNAL ENTRY

WoW I think I’m in love! I never thought I’d find love at Britpop Academy! William is just so beautiful, her eyebrow is so entrancing! I love her adidas trainers, and she really rocks those bucket hats. I want to take her home! I want to give her children! She might be my girlfriend yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! I really hope she likes me back, we have serious chemistry. Luckily we have music class together next week and I can play her the song I wrote for her, it’s called She’s A Lady. Everyone is so nice here, I love this school! Xoxo Jarvis Girl

Chapter 4: My friend, Thom Yorke!!

Summary:

I have met a new friend Thom Yorke!

Jarvis Journal

I met a new friend today– his name is Thom Yorke!
Thom doesn’t feel like he fits in at BPA either, because he defines himself as “Alternative” and “Not fucking rock music.”
He has really symmetrical eyes that are super duper alluring! So symmetrical. You could put a mirror in the middle of his face and not even notice the difference.
Xoxo Jarvis Girl.

Chapter 5: Jarvis, get pulped...

Summary:

Jarvis Cocker gains many enemies tonight.

Damon Diaries entry

Hello Love, it’s me Damon again. School has become slightly more bearable since I’ve gotten another stash from Cheesy… hope no one caught us.
Ugh i hate those Gallagher tossssssers so much. Those imbeciles could never understand the postmodernist neocultural schizophrenic interpretative artistic expressionism that I create. Speaking of, today when we were in Goth 101, I noticed how much more intelligent I was compared to them. Not to mention how good looking I am. No wonder they’re top of the class in Ethics of Plagiarism, all they do is copy Mr. Lennon and Mr. McCartney. My band Blur has a unique one of a kind special sound– for instance, we got Alex to name all of the stars on one of our tracks “Far Out” and I’m thinking of calling up Crazy Frog to feature on our song “BLUR EMI”. And btw it is NOT CHIMNEY SWEEP MUSIC! Dya Want a facking fight? Just because we’re middle class doesn’t mean that we clean sooty chambers. Good thing Justine knows that I’m better than that cunt Liam. That new Jarvis kid better watch out though– sleeping in the same room as my girlfriend? He seems kinda gay though, maybe he wants to sleep with me? I would sleep with me if I was a bloke.

In Dance Class with Mr Jagger, Liam and Noel were picking on Jarvis because he was showing off his new 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 dance move– “grind the guitar amp”. Not my style– I prefer a stage dive– but the Gallaghers took advantage of his bravery and gave him a smacking. Me being a kind, compassionate good looking fella had the heart (but not the balls) to stand up for him. Plus, Noel said some really damaging insults about my sexual orientation with Alex James– which was absolutely NOT true–Alex isn’t my type, and I’m wayyy out of his league, so I didn’t say anything to them because I don’t want to get on their bad side again. But I did feel really bad for Jarvis, so I am a good person.
Anyway, I should be off because 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 Crazy Frog is calling me… do I pick up?
Damon xx
Our really good songs >>.
Crazy Frog's debut
Far Out

 

Damon strutted the halls with confidence, making a beeline towards Cheesy’s dorm. He needed to talk to him about the release of their new song Far Out which Alex had written. It was kinda weird but Damon needed to let the others have a little light. It was so tiring to be the most beautiful frontman in the best band at Britpop Academy. Damon didn’t bother to knock, and found his bandmate with trousers on (luckily) cupping a small camembert and whispering to it in hushed tones.
“I love you so much, my gooey darling.”
For the sake of his sanity, Damon politely ignored the bizarre love triangle scene in front of him.
“Ahem. Cheesy. A word?”
Cheesy whipped his head around, stuffed the camembert into his mouth, and sheepishly grinned.
“Da-the-man! Oh man…”
“What?”
“Nothing…..”
Damon was confused by the sudden change in Cheesy’s tone. Due to his glorious good looks and outstanding talent, Damon was used to looks of adoration and applause whenever he entered a room.
“Is everything alright cheesy? I would have thought that you would at least be excited to see me… but you look almost… guilty?”
“I’m okay, It’s definitely maybe not absolutely anything to do with the Gallaghers so don’t be suspicious pretty please.”
Damon decided to clear that strange encounter in his mind– as he did with most things that he didn’t like.
“Listen, Cheesy, the song Far Out-”
“Put more reverb on it! And make it more clowney.”
“Glad we’re on the same page, let's up the freak-factor!”
“But not in a chimney-sweep way.”
“No, we are not chimney sweeps at all.”
“Cheers mate.”
With that, Damon left Cheesy to his Cheese time and went up the grand staircase to floor q97409 to see his very loyal girlfriend Justine Fish-man.

 

Damon didn’t bother to knock on the very wooden door and made his way inside the dorm room. He could hear voices coming from inside that were very familiar but he couldn’t place what they were exactly.
Justine was in bed with what seemed to be a very large amount of pillows under the comforter. Justine just really liked to be comfortable.
“Hey Darling”
“Damon.”
Damon did not let her uninterested tone deter him.
“How are you my beautiful angel princess girlfriend? Still in love with my amazing face card?”
Justine looked like she was rolling her eyes but Damon knew that she just had one of her long lashes caught in her beautiful brown orbs. Damon noticed the pillows seemed to be wearing an adidas bucket hat. Justine must have missed him so much that she tried to recreate a man-sized lump in her bed! Silly girl, didn’t she know that he didn’t wear bucket hats– that was for twats like liam!
“I’m busy right now, why don't you go and bother one of the Gallaghers.”
The pillows giggled in a Mancunian accent. Damon must be hearing things, maybe it was that funny cheese Alex gave him yesterday…
“Alright love I'm off to go to the next VERY IMPORTANT AND TOP SECRET APPOINTMENT in the gym. Love you so much honey pie pookie pillow lover.” Damon tried to go in for a kiss but Justine had turned to face the pillow. It sounded like she said “Piss off,” but Damon knew she said “Pill ow.” Hahah she went the wrong way and was now kissing the pillow! Weird that the pillow had stubble. Damon chuckled at his funny girlfriend. As Damon turned to leave, he couldn;t help but notice a pair of discarded Adidas mens underwear on the floor, right near Justine’s bed. He felt his blood boil with anger - who’s bloody pants were those? His gaze rose to the other side of the room, where a perfectly made bed with a poster of Margaret Thatcher was framed on the bedside table. Damon knew for a fact that one other man (aside from himself) could possibly enter this room. Jarvis COCKer. That twat was going to pay– in the ring.

Damon slammed the door, and heard Justine start to talk to herself again. Justine seemed to be replying to herself in a deep man’s voice with a northern accent. Paying no more attention to her very special personality, Damon slid down the banister and descended q97409 flights of stairs with post-haste, and style.
Once at the gymnasium, Damon flicked Ian Brown a chin raise, and darted for the changing rooms. The majority of Britpop Academy had shown up to watch the spectacle, and were crowded around the boxing ring with anticipation.
Damon’s eyes narrowed. There, in the middle of the ring, was the lanky cheating bastard he was looking for. In speedos? Jarvis nervously strapped on his boxing gloves, looking nervous and completely out of place. His friend Thom Yorke was consoling him at the side of the ring. He had really symmetrical eyes. He was sad, but symmetrical.
“ANYONE SEEN OUR KID?” Noel yelled to the generously sized crowd. “We can’t start the fight without him, unless anyone else wants to step up and batter Cocker into a pulp?”
“I will!” Damon called, valiantly stepping forward.and eagerly grabbing some boxing gloves. “That skinny twat has been sleeping with my girlfriend, I just know it! I found your adidas boxers by her bed, you bastard!”
Jarvis’ brow furrowed in disgust. “Ew, who would even wear adidas boxers? I only wear Calvin Klein bikini cuts with organic cotton!”
Noel shook his head. “You lot are so bloody clueless. Get in the ring Albarn, I can’t wait to see this!”
Damon jumped over the rope and steadied himself, waiting for Jarvis to enter. Jarvis tripped on his way in, and everyone laughed at his naiveness. Damon raised his ready fist, prepared to pummel Cocker for his sins. Jarvi cowered and cried “I hate this school!” Before any impact could commence, the door banged open and Liam Gallagher burst through the crowd.
“Where the fuck have you been?” Shouted Noel, already angry.
“I was up with Justi- just no one.” Liam fumbled, making quick eye contact with Damon.
“Johnny? You’ve been with JOHNNY MARR???? You TWAT!!!” Noel fumed. “HE’S MINE. MINE MINE MINE!!”
Johnny coughed from the depths of the crowd.
“You are So GAY for Johnny.”
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
“AM NOT!”
“ARE TOO!”
“AM NOT AM NOT AM NOT!!”
Before Damon could prepare himself the Gallagher brothers hurled themselves into the ring, attempting to punch each other but instead, blindly punching Jarvis. Seeing no problem with this, Damon joined in. He wasn’t being mean. He was just helping him get used to the pain! Really, he was doing him a favour. Damon smiled as he knocked out a tooth. He was such a great person!! Jarvis begged for forgiveness, saying that he had really done no wrong. Such lies would not be overlooked.

Thom York shrieked, flinning Jarvis’s wet towel over his shoulder and diving into the conundrum.
“Jarvis! I’ll save you!”
Thom’s perfectly symmetrical eyes gleamed with determination as he made his way to the core of the attack.
Without any warning, a hard and heavy blow struck Thoms left eye. A once smooth, perfectly symmetrical face was broken forever.
Everyone had already left. Johnny Marr flicked his cigarette over his shoulder as he left, and Noel jumped out of the ring to try and pick it up. The fight quickly disbanded.

Damon leaned against the rope and brushed off his hands.
“Now you know to not mess with my girlfriend, Cocker.”
Liam laughed. Damon wondered what was so funny.
“Wow Liam hits really hard for a girl!” Said Jarvis
Damon was bewildered at Jarvis’s outburst. Maybe he hit him a little too hard. No one in their right mind could think Liam was a chick.

Thom cradled his small left eye in the corner.
“I’m going to write a song about this you creeps.” he murmured, giving an icy cold stare at Damon, Liam, and Noel, who was sucking on the cigarette.

Later that night, Damon went up to floor q97409 to sing Justine her bedtime song, Beetlebum. He let himself in, as per usual, and found Justine now on the other bed, on the other side of the room, tending to that sickly swine of a man, who now hardly resembled the person he once was.
“What happened to your poor queer soul?” Whispered Justine.
“It was… It was a… chimney sweep. He got me bad… justine!”
“I AINT NO FOOKIN CIMNEY SWEEP! WE PREFER EXPERIMENTAL CIRCUS-CORE!” Shouted Damon from the doorway.
“IT WAS HIM!! HIM!!” Jarvis pointing a crooked finger at Damon.
“WHAT THE FUCK?” Justine cried, putting her head in her hands. She had really gotten herself mixed in the wrong crowd.
Damon watched how close Justine's proximity was to that Cocker boy. He would never let him see the light of day AGAIN.

Jarvis Journal:
I can’t realy writ anymor becas my fingar is all mushed. Professor mossoey says I’m stil ill. But i will heal. That damon demon got me bad. Poor friend thom he is very blind. We are like old women. Worse health than mummy.
xoxo Jarvis Girl.