Numb

by FriesForYams

Summary:

Eijun never got invited to Seido, no, instead he moved north with his mother when his parents divorced. He never thought his submissive nature would be a problem.
His mother had always told him to stay true to himself and people would like him, no matter what.
That had been a lie.
One conversation, innocent and open, had turned his world upside down in a day. It started small after that, then kept building until he couldn't stand it anymore, and neither could his mother.

It took months to get him transfered from that school to another, months to get him out. Months of his mother tugging at every connection she had to find one way out.
And it ended with him moving away from his mother in the end, to Seido in Tokyo and a dorm. A private school of all things.

Now Eijun has to decide if he want's to try this thing called trust again, or if he should just try and stay low and out of the way. As long as he's allowed to play baseball, he's okay.

Right?

Notes:

Hello!

This story has been on my mind for a while. Maybe some of you are here because you've read my other work (unfinished as it is), then you kind of already know what you're getting yourself into. It's not set in the same timeline however, this is it's whole own thing.

For those of you who are new to the dom/sub-universe, hello!
The concept of Dom/Sub-universe is that dom and sub are biological, kind of like omegaverse, but without the heats/ruts. If you want to know more, you can search for information on google. Or if you want to dive in blind, I'm welcoming you with open arms!

I will be posting chapters sporadically for this story, it might be once a week, maybe once a month.

Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy and stay for the wild ride!

Chapter 1

The sky was a beautiful clear blue and the spring breeze was refreshing. Eijun didn’t let go of the car door, didn’t walk further from it than a step just to feel like he’d stretched his legs a little. The drive hadn’t been long from the station, but after several hours on the train and not able to step out for a second to breathe, and then being immediately escorted to a car from the train hadn’t giving him much time to stretch at all. Now he could hear the shifting of leaves, twittering birds and the distinct sound of baseball practice in the distance, sometimes more than clanging of bats.

Eijun stood there beside the black car and just breathed.

He’d never thought it would smell so fresh in a bigger city. Never thought he would hear other things besides cars, trains and construction. He thought it would be louder, not quieter.

Eijun reached into the car for his duffle bag and slung it over one shoulder. His whole life was in this one bag.

He’d been transferred from his previous school, his previous team, and ended up here in Tokyo… at Seido.

He hadn’t chosen this school, hadn’t chosen to be transferred, but after everything that had happened… He tightened his hold on his duffle bag and took in another deep, shaky breath. ‘Don’t think about it’.

“Sawamura-kun, follow me” Eijun flinched at her voice, it had felt so sudden. Rei-chan had a gentle smile on her face when Eijun looked over at her, reluctantly looking away from the green fields, trees and bushes.

She’d been the one his mom had contacted, when she had been at the end of her rope, the woman who had helped getting him away from that hell.

He tried to muster up his brightest smile, he knew from her flinch it hadn’t gone as he’d hoped.

“Yes, ma’am!”

They left the car behind and walked towards the dorm complex. It looked old but well maintained. There where clothes hanging over railings, drying. Bats were leaning against walls; some shoes were placed outside doors and there were bottles standing around rather than being in a bin.

It was quiet. No one was around as they passed through. Eijun looked from door to door, anxiety like a heavy lump in his throat, his heart beating fast as a hummingbird in his chest.

She had told his mom over the phone that, yes, the dorm rooms for the club was planned to house up to three players. Usually a first-, second- and third-year sharing space. Eijun had never shared a room before, but the concept of sharing a space with others whom he didn’t knew. He’d panicked.

He had no idea what had been said after that, because he’d spiraled and taken his emergency suppressants to handle the drop.

Rei didn’t seem to realize his crisis, because she kept walking ahead. She showed him to a dorm room on the second floor, at the very end of a corridor. Inside, there was only one bed on the right-hand side, a window at the opposite wall with an outlook towards a park and the road they’d taken to the dorms. There was also desk with a chair, a wardrobe and a nightstand.

There wasn’t much more to it, but something in him settled at the knowledge at not having to share this space. It was his.

“There are two sets of bedding in the bottom drawer in your closet, and some sets of uniforms. Get changed and I will take you to meet the Coaches. I will wait at the bottom of the stairs.” She informed and then left him in the open doorway.

He looked after her until she disappeared, then went inside and closed the door.

He When he got inside, he fished out his phone and sent a text to his mom, that he had reached the dorms and was about to meet the team. Then he put down his duffle bag onto the single chair and got changed, butterflies in his stomach all the while. Before going out to meat Rei, he took a quick look in the mirror and flinched.

The circles under his eyes were so dark, it looked nearly like his circles had circles it was so bad. But the bruising around his neck was very faint now, you could barely see it under the turtleneck of the dark blue practice shirt.

He took a deep breath and tried for a smile, tried for sunny.

It looked forced. Eijun sighed and then decided that he just needed to get this over with.

He stepped outside and locked the door after himself, then met up with Rei-chan, who was looking at her wristwatch. She looked up at him when she heard him descending the steps.

“Ah, that was quick. I think we’ll just make it for rollcall of the new first-years. Come along” and she started walking, quite fast for a woman in heels. He jogged to keep in step with her.

As they got closer, it felt like his heart was about to crawl straight out of his chest through his throat. It was as if a stone had lodge itself in his airway, the anxiety crawling in him. Rei-chan noticed, but she didn’t say anything, she just slowed her steps so she could walk beside him.

He could hear voices, or rather one booming voice and player after player answer with name and position. Eijun practically held his breath as Rei stopped beside a makeshift dugout. He didn’t know if there were anyone else inside, he tried to focus on the man, the Coach, telling the next in line of first years to tell him name and position.

There were eyes on him from all the other players, those who were second- and third-year, people he was going to be classmate with. But he didn’t see the faces, he didn’t dare try and see anyone he knew, he knew he wouldn’t. He’d been transferred here because it was far away from his original team.

But he hadn’t known there would be so many. That Seido would be this big.

When the last of the first year had given his name and position, they were ordered to warm up, except for those who’d said they were catchers and pitchers, they were instructed to follow the captain, Miyuki Kazuya, to the bullpen for evaluation.

As the players dispersed for warmup and evaluation, the coach turned around and looked at Rei, then at Eijun.

“Is this the transfer student?” he asked and came closer.

“Eijun, Sawamura Eijun! … Sir!” he said, saluting like this was the military, but honestly, coaches scared him shitless.

“Hmm, what position do you play?” the man asked, giving Eijun his hand to shake. Eijun had to do everything in his power to avoid his hand from trembling as the coach presented himself as Kataoka Tesshin. Eijun shook once and let go, like he’d been burned, he hated handshakes, it was too easy to hold him still like that. Too easy to hurt his hand, which was why he only shook hands with his right hand instead of his dominant one. He’d learned the hard way to never offer his left like that.

“Pitcher, sir” coach Kataoka hummed and then turned around. A guy in glasses was rounding up the first-year catchers and pitchers. “Miyuki!” glasses guy lifted his head and looked at them, then he was coming closer while pointing in a direction. The first-years started to walk to where he’d pointed.  “Take Sawamura with you to the bullpen, I want you to catch for him, do an evaluation.”

“Oh, is this the transfer student you mentioned, sir?” Miyuki asked and smiled a little at Eijun. Eijun’s hackles raised.

Dom. Miyuki was a dom. Fuck this.

But he couldn’t leave, he’d just gotten there. He didn’t have a choice if he wanted to play baseball. But he thought he could’ve avoided a dom for now. Nope, why would he be so lucky?

Miyuki was holding out his hand, his right hand, but Sawamura just stared at it. Images rushing in. A doms hand holding him still, a command to have him frozen, an offhanded comment and a nip at the soft part of his ear. Eijun took a step back, hearing his breathing rattle out of him. Rei was close, he could handle that, woman he could handle. Normals he could handle okay.

He could handle this too.

He forced a cough and held a hand to his mouth. “Sorry, got something in my throat. Sawamura Eijun, southpaw, second-year.” He presented himself, but he didn’t take Miyukis hand. Couldn’t force himself to.

After a beat, Miyuki dropped his hand and gave a smile. It looked a little forced. He understood, he really did. An under-classman had just refused to shake his hand and been rude.  

“Miyuki Kazuya, captain and starting catcher. Come on, let’s see what you can do”. He didn’t sound mad, or disappointed, no hint of his dominant side. Eijun was quite sure he was a dom thought, just in the way he carried himself.

Coach Kataoka and Rei followed them both towards the bullpen. Miyuki asked where he’d transferred from, Eijun answered him. He asked if Eijun had played in any official games, because he couldn’t remember hearing about him. The school and the team, yes, but not Eijun. Eijun didn’t tell him it was because their coach and team doms had thought him a liability and a weakness to have on the mound because of his nature. Instead, he said their other pitcher had simply been better than him. He actually didn’t know if he was good or not.

He’d busted his butt of, he’d gotten help on the side from someone his mum knew. To build confidence, he thought, or maybe just to give him something else to focus on than wanting to end it all.

The teacher his mom had known had been a very special man, who’d grumped that he only did it because his wife and Eijuns mum was so close. He’d even traveled to stay with them for a while, while helping Eijun getting better.

That hadn’t made the team happy when they’d learned of it, making his situation on the team unbearable. Until they broke him. Until a man took advantage of his mental state.

Until he’d nearly ended it.

He had to shake himself, not to fall into bitter memory lane.

“Well, let’s see what we’re working with!” Miyuki said with a smile, while donning his catcher’s gear. The other catchers, second- and third-year was doing the same. Leaving the first-year pitchers to have a go before the first-year catchers got a taste of second- and third-year pitchers.

Eijun stood with some of the first-years, whom was blinking at him a little owlishly. He gave a smile back, knew his eyebags looked really horrible, but he tried for a more winning smile. Miyuki was telling the newcomers he only wanted to see their favorite pitch to gauge their forms, and of course see if anyone had a breaking-ball, change-up or anything else in their arsenal.

They all nodded along, asked a question or two, then Miyuki pointed them to the right spots, but he stayed with Eijun.

“I’m not supposed to catch today, just observe, but Coach Kataoka wanted me to evaluate you. He will also be watching, so tell me what you got” he was donning his gear as he talked, and Eijun heard the first ball hit a mitt. Miyuki seemed to have great trust in his fellow catchers, not to watch, but Eijun still couldn’t shake his anxiety away.

He was standing by a guy he was quite sure was a dom, and he hadn’t yet to command, or demand, anything from him.

Eijun had raised his right hand to his throat without thinking about it, and only realized what he’d done when Miyuki stepped in front of him. He threw his arm down quickly and took a quick, tiny, step back.

“Fastballs, sharply to the inside and outside. Change-up and a few breaking balls. I have a natural moving fastball.” Miyuki nodded as he spoke, like he didn’t really think it was that much, but for him it was great many different pitches.

“Oh, I thought I recognized you, Sawamura” Eijun snapped his head to the side, to where Coach Kataoka and Rei stood, and watched Coach Ochiai step into the bullpen. He looked as unimpressed as always, but the familiar face made something loosen inside him and he felt his whole face light up.

“Coach Ochiai, sir!” The man gave a him a face, the all-suffering look whenever he thought Eijun was being too loud. But Eijun was glad to see him, he just wondered why he was here.  

“You know each other?” Miyuki asked, and Eijun didn’t mind him being close, because Coach Ochiai was sitting down at the bench behind Eijun, stroking his goatee.

“He’s my student, in a way” Coach Ochiai answered Miyuki instead of letting Eijun do it, which he appreciated. Miyuki was humming, Eijun didn’t look at him, didn’t want to, but he felt more himself with the older man there, behind him.

Coach Ochiai hadn’t been happy at all for coming out to teach Eijun how to pitch. He’d grumped about it and been difficult, he’d been mean and harsh, but he’d also said he was doing this because his wife and Eijuns mum was close friends. He couldn’t say no to his wife, and if teaching Eijun how to be a better pitcher would make her happy, then he would teach Eijun until he cried, bled and sweated.

And he’d done just that. It had been rough, but it had made Eijun want to hold on to life. Given him love for pitching, even if he’d never been allowed near the mound.

Coach Ochiai was talking to Coach Kataoka now, low voices, and Eijun turned to watch Miyuki get ready opposite him, donning the catcher’s mitt, bright yellow and big.  

They didn’t have any signs, of course they didn’t, but this was also his first time in maybe a year throwing to a catcher. He’d barley been allowed throwing at the net at practice in his other school, and with Coach Ochiai the man would sometimes rent a net at the local batting center so he could throw into that, at worst they maybe had a plank at the park he could aim for.

So, no, he didn’t really have any experience with pitching to an actual human. Not to mention a dom.

Eijun took a slow deep breath and tried to relax, focusing on the mitt. He threw a fastball to the right corner at first, keeping it low.

“Nice pitch!” Miyuki called to him, making Eijun jump, startled. He laughed a little nervously and felt lucky when he caught the ball thrown at him without fumbling it. Miyuki called for another, but the left corner instead, a little higher. Eijun threw again.

The sound as his ball hit Miyukis mitt this time was amazing, it felt so good, soothing his soul in a way he’d never experienced before. Miyuki threw the ball back again, this time with them same phrase, but it sounded a little giddy.

Eijun blinked at the catcher, than watched as Miyuki waved Coach Kataoka over, talked to him and then turned back to Eijun.

“Can you show one of your breaking balls?” he called out and Eijun nodded, wondered if Coach Kataoka would move away, but he instead positioned himself right behind Miyuki. Like an umpire.

That felt intimidating to say the least.

“Try number four” Coach Ochiai said behind him, and Eijun changed his grip without thinking, relaxed his posture and took a new breath. He moved through the motion, thought of the tips of his fingers, to swing his arm through like he’d been told to do.

He thought Miyuki wouldn’t catch it, but he moved his mitt very fast, not letting the ball go behind him. Miyuki wasn’t throwing the ball back, talking with Coach Kataoka, and Eijun realized no one was actually moving around him. Everyone was quiet and just staring, and it made him uncomfortable.

“They’re just shocked at your form, I think” Coach Ochiai explained and Eijun looked at him, confused.

“What’s wrong with it?” he asked while getting closer to him. Coach Ochiai handed him a water bottle without a word and Eijun took it, took a sip and looked back at the catcher and Coach Kataoka.

“You have a very unique form that hides your arm when you swing. Remember how we tried many different things not to break that? Yeah, and now with your breaking ball, I think they’re considering you for first-string.” Eijun coughed, the water having gone down the wrong pipe.

He could feel Miyuki and Coach Kataokas eyes on him now, but he hid his mouth behind his mitt and tried to calm down.

“I can’t be in the first-string, not after what you told me” he said, shaking. Coach Ochiai stroked his goatee in thought, then hummed.

“They’re not like your last team” he answered and Eijun froze. He had no idea how much Coach Ochiai knew about that, but he really didn’t want him to know, not everything.

“Sawamura! Throw the same one, then give us a change-up and, if you have, show us one more pitch” Coach Kataoka called, making Eijun drop his water bottle. Coach Ochiai picked it up off the ground and placed it on the bench beside him.

“Go for your cutter” Ochiai suggested, and Eijun nodded again.

He did what he was told, threw what they’d asked, showed them the change-up and the cutter. The cutter was so sharp, he watched as it weared off to the right at the last second. Miyuki wasn’t able to catch it and the ball went behind the catcher in the other lane, who stared at the ball in chock.

Eijun stammered out a sorry, but he could hear Ochiai actually chuckle behind him, like he enjoyed making a fool of the Captain, just a little. Miyuki was staring at him like he’d seen something amazing, and Eijun felt something go up his spine at that look.

He’d gotten a few fascinated looks before. Those looks never boded well for him in the long run.

He turned and went to Ochiai, taking of his pitcher’s glove as he went.

“You’ve gotten better, it was sharper than last time I saw you pitch it” Ochiai said and Eijun gave the man a smile, just a little pleased by the praise. It wasn’t often he got it from anyone.

“Thanks, I practiced in the backyard over winter break.” He said, and Ochiai hummed.

“How was it, pitching to a catcher?” Eijun couldn’t help the wobbly smile, the warmth in his cheeks. Yeah, it had scared him, but after those two first pitches, it had felt great. Even better after the praise from the pitcher. He had no idea it could feel like that while pitching.

“Great!” And he wanted to do it again.

Coach Kataoka came up to them, as the first-year pitchers left with the other catchers, leaving them and Miyuki in the bullpen for a minute alone. But Miyuki didn’t come over, instead he was talking to some, he thought, first-year catchers who where all donning their gear.

“After watching your form, and your control and some of your arsenal, I think you would suit being on the first string, as a relief pitcher” Eijun blinked up at the man, then snapped his eyes towards Coach Ochiai, but the man was standing up to greet some other people coming into the bullpen. “It’s not official, I still have a lot of players to observe. However, Coach Ochiai has expressed his trust in your abilities as a pitcher. How are you at fielding?”

Eijun opened his mouth, closed it, then tried again.

“I haven’t ever fielded. This was my first time pitching to a catcher” Eijun said in a rush and watched the mans eyebrows climb high on his forehead. Yeah, maybe that would give him paus at actually putting Eijun in such an important position as pitcher on the first-string.

He didn’t deserve that anyway, not like he’d actually deserved to even pitch to a catcher.

Chapter 2

Notes:

Hello!
I'm so happy to see so many being interested in this story.
Tags will be added as I go, and if there is a tag that I think can be triggering, I will mention it in my notes too as a heads up. But no new tags for this chapter :)

Enjoy!

There was a gentle knock at his door, and it still made him flinch, made him jerk so he hit his knees on the underside of the desk. That had hurt, just a little.

The knock had his heart speed up, like he’d run for miles, like it was fight or flight. He had no idea how long he’d been sitting at his desk, staring at his pitcher’s mitt and holding the greasy cloth. He’d been thinking about cleaning the mitt and give it a new tending to, and the next thing he knew he’d been staring into nothing.

What time was it even?

After showing what he could do in the bullpen, and him confessing his lack in skills in any other way, the Coach had gone very quiet and then he’d been asked to step out of the bullpen. Apparently, the other people who’d entered was second- and third-year pitchers, there to see how good the new first-year catchers were.

And Eijun hadn’t belonged in that crowd. He didn’t belong in crowds, not anymore. He missed the feeling of belonging sometimes, but not so much after… everything. Belonging wasn’t always a good thing.

He barely remembers walking away from the bullpen thought, no one stopped him or tried to talk to him, strike a conversation and he’d tried to ignore everyone, and he’d decided to run instead. Running was something he was good at, after all, that had been as far as the previous Coach had allowed him to do on the field.

At practice.

Run.

Maybe help the managers pick up- and clean the balls after practice, and clean the fields, making It ready for the next day. He remembers the old, worn rake he’d ben forced to use, the one which had given him tiny splinters in his fingers at first. And when he’d been forced to continue using it, he’d gotten himself a pair of gloves, the kind that wasn’t too pricy and still protected his hands.

The knock came again, and Eijun snapped his head towards the door and stared at it, like he could see straight through it. He’d learned to never open the door when it knocked, the ones on the other side would leave eventually if he just ignored it and didn’t make a sound… Or they would pick the lock.

He swallowed. Tried not to remember. To think on what to do.

“Sawamura-kun? Are you in there? They’re serving dinner” the voice was soft, gentle. A guy’s voice.

‘Don’t open the door’ a voice was telling him. But these guys didn’t know him, couldn’t know anyone from his previous school, right?

He got up and took a shaking, steading breath and then unlocked the door, cracked it open just a little.

What struck him first was the guy’s eyes, a beautiful shade of sunrise-yellow and pink, his hair just as gentle in shade. He was shorter than Eijun, maybe by half a head, and he looked very kind and friendly.

There was another guy with him, standing slightly behind and looking quite uninterested and a little tired. Like he was almost sleeping on his feet. Dark hair, blue-grey eyes, tall. He’d seen him in the bullpen, a pitcher he thought.

They both looked relaxed, one more open than the other, but he didn’t feel anything hostile from them.

Eijun dared open his door a little more.

“Hello, uhm…?”

“Kominato Haruichi, second-year. This is Furuya Satoru. I think you’ve transferred into his class” he answered, gesturing with his hand towards tall, dark and handsome. Eijun blinked up at the other guy, who just gave a tiny nod, like he wasn’t sure if what Kominato-kun was saying was true. “They’re serving dinner now, we didn’t see you so maybe no one had told you. We decided to check”.

Oh. No, well, maybe someone had? Maybe Rei had told him some of the dinner times, but he also had a vague memory of a girl telling him it would be dinner around 6 o’clock. Was it already that time?

“I forgot” he said, blinking. Had he been staring at his glove for an hour? “I’m not really hungry” or maybe he was, but he’d only eaten with his club members for that first month and then skipped to eat at home, because it never ended well.

Maybe he could walk down later and see if there were any food left then and a little less people around, too.

“You should come down anyway, everyone is excited to meet you properly” Kominato said with a smile. Furuya nodded and turned to leave, like what Kominato had said was the deciding factor and Eijun was tagging along.

If he didn’t like it, he could leave. He could say he really wasn’t that hungry or that he’d had a long trip and wanted to rest, or something. No one knew he was a sub, they couldn’t command him to stay. Maybe.

A big part of him was screaming not to go, but his mom had gone through all this trouble to transfer him, and to a private school of all places. He had no idea how she’d managed that, and when he’d tried to ask, she’d only said not to worry about it.

For his mom’s sake, he should try… right?

“Okay” he said and closed the door again to get his phone and keys to the door. Kominato was looking at him with a question in his eyes, as Eijun locked the door to the dorm room and put the key in his back pocket.

It was the furthest room on the second floor, and there were no stairs. It was such a small room he thought that maybe it hadn’t been a dorm room at all at first, and maybe they’d done some arrangement to make it somewhat livable. It wasn’t that deep either, his desk was two steps from the bed, and maybe three steps from the end of the bed to the back wall, were a dresser stood.

He was quite sure it hadn’t been used for sleeping-, or living in.

“We were quite surprised when we learned you were coming, you’re welcome thought. They said you’re a southpaw?” Was Eijun just imagining it, or did Furuya slow down and lean his head to listen better?

Eijun walked beside Kominato, keeping him on his right-hand side, Furuya showing the way down the steps.

“Yeah” he said, because what else was he supposed to say? “And thanks, it was sudden for me too” he added after a moment, Furuya waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs.

“Did your previous school have a baseball-club?” Eijun swallowed the lump in his throat at the memories rushing in, tried not to think about it all. The way he’d practiced with everyone, how he’d become fast friends with the whole club, the team. Loud, giddy, eager to pitch. Even the coach, grumpy, calculating and stern, had seemed not to mind his loud personality at first.

Until they learned he was a sub, something he didn’t think of as a big deal, but apparently it was a huge fucking deal when you were in a school who wanted to reach nationals. Suddenly he wasn’t allowed to do much.

He’d fought at first, been stubborn, trained extra hard when he could.

It had all come crashing down, in the end, how much they thought he didn’t belong as a team mate anymore.

He nodded to the pink haired guy and stepped off the last step. Mentally tried to shake the memories away, tried to think of his breathing, to calm down.  

Kominato was quiet behind him, and Eijun didn’t lift his eyes. He was starting to regret following them even more. A voice, loud, was shouting at him to turn around, he felt it down his legs, the shudder going through his thighs and down.

“Do you like polar bears?” Eijun startled. It was such a strange and out of the blue question, all his thoughts left him. He blinked up at Furuya who’d asked. His voice had been soft, too, warm in another way then Kominato. He hadn’t thought it would be soft like that.

“Wha- yeah? The- they’re cool. They look so soft” he answered and something seemed to glitter in Furuyas eyes, but he didn’t move a muscle on his face. He just looked pleased in a very subtle way. Furuya didn’t say anything more about it, thought, he just looked pleased to have someone else like polar bears.

“Furuya likes them a lot, he even has a plushy of a polar bear from when he was a kid, it’s very cute” Kominato said, and Eijun had, for a second, forgotten he was even there. But why wasn’t Furuya telling him that himself?

Kominato kept chatting, and Furuya nodded along sometimes, answered with a noise here and there or with a single word. Eijun kept pace with them, looking around a little. He hadn’t been showed around by Rei, because she’d wanted to get him situated in his dorm room at first and then off to practice.

He couldn’t remember if she’d been there during practice or not, or if she thought he could manage on his own. He wondered if he should look around on his own later, or if he could ask Furuya or Kominato to show him… or maybe Ochiai was still there so he could ask him.

He had a feeling he would say something like ‘What, no, you can find it on your own, I’m not your dad’. Yeah, he should look around on his own later in the night or maybe early morning.

“We’re here” Kominato said, sliding open a door and there were so many voices all at once that Eijun had to fight his flight response not to stumble back. And try to calm his racing heart.

A lot of the voices calmed down or got quiet when they entered, and Eijun felt eyes on him. A lot of eyes.

He felt his skin prickle from the base of his spine all the way up to the back of his head, goosebumps spreading on his arms. Kominato was talking with the lady who were swerving food, and Furuya stood in line behind Eijun. His calm presence was soothing, and he tried to only think about getting through dinner and keep close to these two.

When it was his turn, the lady asked him if he was allergic to something, and he said natto in a very low voice. He wasn’t allergic, he didn’t even know if one could be allergic to natto, but he really didn’t like it, and he’d said it subconsciously. She said something about not serving that tonight, so he was in luck, and served him some vegetables, rice, fish and miso-soup.

When he lifted his head, Kominato was waiting for him, so he tagged along behind the pink-haired guy and tried not to watch the others around them. Some he thought he recognized, like the Miyuki guy and another first year pitcher, because he was tall.

Could they see his bruises? Was that it? Could they see the pale mark around his throat? No, he was sure he’d chosen a sweater with a high enough neck, turtle, to hide it.  

“Let’s sit here. This is Kanemaru Shinji, and that’s Toujou Hideaki” Kominato said when he’d placed down his tray, pointing at two light haired guys, one just a bit taller and looking a little sterner. Eijun gave them a nod in greeting and sat down at the edge of the table and watched as Furuya sat down opposite him, leaving an empty seat between him and Kanemaru.

“Oh, you’re the transfer student, I saw you at the bullpen. Me and Furuya are pitchers” Toujou said, grinning and pointing between Furuya and himself “Furuya is our ace, you should see him pitch”.

Ace. ‘Oh come now Sawamura, you should be more helpful to our ace, he just need to let off some steam, don’t be so dramatic’

Eijun had stood up so fast, he’d knocked the chair over. Someone yelped a little behind him and when he snapped his eyes towards the guy, he saw that his chair had actually toppled and probably startled the boy behind him.

He mumbled a quick sorry and reached for the chair.

His fingers were shaking. The tips felt numb.

Don’t run. Don’t give in. Just because Furuya is the ace, doesn’t mean he’s the same. Now sit down. Act like nothing happened.

“Sorry, uhm, spider” he said as he sat back down in his chair. He couldn’t lift the chopsticks because his hands were shaking too bad, so he held them in his lap and tried for an apologetic smile. “Y-yeah, I would like that. That’s amazing” he said to Furuya, but couldn’t look up at him. Couldn’t lift his eyes and kept staring at Furuyas plate.

“He’s a beast, he can pitch over 150 in speed. You should see him field, that ball can cross the field like a bullet” Eijun didn’t know who’d said that, but all he heard was ‘beast’ and thought of the ace his previous team. He’d been intimidating, but he hadn’t really cared for Eijun at all. No, he’d actually just looked disgusted but not put a single finger on him.

Small mercies, he guessed.

“I won’t believe it until I see it” he said, that was normal, right? There was a whooshing sound, and he finally looked up to see Furuya with an aura around him, like he was stepping up to the challenge, moving his shoulder like he was getting ready to pitch right then and there.

“No more pitching today!” he heard someone shout and watched Furuya’s face look both stubborn and defeated at the same time. He had no idea who’d told Furuya no, Furuya hadn’t even said anything. What surprised Eijun was the lack of anger, or stubbornness he was used to seeing from his former teams ace when someone had told him no. He would ignore them, unless the coach told him no.

Furuya had just accepted that he wasn’t allowed to pitch anymore for the day, and even thought he didn’t look pleased with it, it didn’t look like he would fight it.

“Maybe Sawamura-kun can watch you pitch tomorrow at practice” Kominato suggested to ease Furuya, who nodded and looked a little more at ease. Maybe he just liked pitching and showing what he was made of.

“Yeah, if I’m allowed” Eijun said, and that seemed to please Furuya even more. No, Furuya wasn’t like his former ace at all.

“Well, I think you’re supposed to pitch tomorrow too, so you could show Furuya your pitching too” Eijun startled and looked up. He hadn’t noticed people joining them. Or more like, there were four of them standing at the end of the table, by him and Furuya. Miyuki he recognized, he’d been the one speaking, and something in Eijun shuddered.

Miyuki was too close; people were too close. Boxing him in. Making it hard to escape. Eijun couldn’t think, he saw faces of his previous team. The dom leaning in, over him.

He couldn’t breathe.

“Oh right, I did see you there, but didn’t see you pitch! What kind of pitcher are you?” Toujou asked and Eijun answered in a daze.  

“Southpaw” and his voice sounded dead. Or was he imagining it? “I-I’m not that hungry after all, I’m gonna go, thanks” he stood up with his tray, tried to be more mindful of the person behind him. He willed his hands to be still, forced his legs to move, quick strides past the people who’d gathered.

No one tripped him. No one grabbed his arm. No one commanded him to stop.

Someone was asking if he was okay. Someone asked what was going on.

Eijun was focusing at not spilling his food, and still he felt so bad at throwing the food away. Someone was saying that was a waste of food, making him feeling worse, but he needed out.

He accidentally knocked into someone on his way out, who told him to watch it, and he forced out a sorry while the fear mounted like a monster inside him.

Soon someone would force him to stay. Soon someone would trip him, grab hold of him, make a fool of him.

Nothing happened, and when he came too, he was fumbling with the key to his dorm room and stumbling inside. He locked the door behind him and sank down to the floor, breathing hard.

He was touching his throat, the bruising there, still a little tender, but also the remnants from the collar that had been forced on him. It wasn’t on anymore, he didn’t have it with him, but it was still a weight on his collarbones, on his airway. He missed it and hated that he missed it at the same time.

He’d never consented to the collar, never consented to the dom who’d strapped it on him.

Eijun stumbled up on his feet and over to the nightstand, where he had his anti-anxiety medication and suppressants. He took them dry, leaning over the nightstand and fisting his hands.

He wasn’t there anymore, the players here were not the same, but he wouldn’t tell anyone he was a sub anytime soon.

Eijun took a shaking breath and tried not to think about it.

Nothing had happened. No one had followed him. No one was knocking or trying to get into the room. No one had tried to stop him from leaving.

He took of his shoes and stumbled into bed, slung an arm over his eyes and tried to be in the here and now.

If he dared, he would go out later and look around, maybe see if he could find something to eat. Oh, and he should call his mom to tell her he’d gotten to Seido okay. Or maybe he should just text her, and maybe his dad too, even if he wasn’t as involved anymore, he’d tried to keep contact at least once a week.

Yeah, he would do that, after he’d calmed down.

Notes:

AAAHahaha can you guess the school Eijun went to before transfering to Seido? Because I have one in mind, and maybe you'll get it though the hints in this chapter.

See you all next time!

Chapter 3

Notes:

The love this fic are receiving makes me so giddy with happiness, all your commants makes me so happy, and I'm glad to see you all enjoying this.
There is a scene in this chapter which made me think 'Huh, maybe I need to actually change the rating'... But I also know myself so I'll let it be for now.

New tag! Non-con oral sex.
(This is a past experience. If it's triggering, don't read, take care of youreslf)

Enjoy~ <3

He’d called his mom maybe an hour or two later. The medication had helped his mind quiet down and his heart to calm.

No one had come to disturb him, and he still felt surprised by that. No, he hadn’t lived in a dorm before, but he’d locked himself in rooms sometimes to escape, or he’d asked the nurse to lock the door if he left Eijun alone in the office.

But some knew how to pick locks, or get the nurse to lend them a key. Eijun hadn’t felt safe anywhere after a while.

So he’d been waiting for the sound of keys in the door to this room, or the tell of someone trying to pick the lock. But it had stayed quiet, and the only sound he’d heard were when the guys in the room next to him, and belove him, had gotten back from whatever they’d been up to. There had been laughter, some grumbling, a door being slammed shut, loud talking and what sounded like a tv being on in the background.

Sound of life, nothing more.  

And not a single step towards his room.

He was glad there wasn’t a window over his bed, by the door. He didn’t need the worry of anyone trying to look inside.

His mom had sounded worried when she’d picked up the phone. There hadn’t even been one signal going through.

He answered all her questions. Yes, he’d arrived fine and the train ride had been without trouble, just as he’d texted her about earlier. Yes, he’d gotten the single dorm room. No, no one had been mean or overly nosy. Yeah, he’d tried to talk with some of them.

He didn’t tell her about Kominato or Furuya, didn’t tell her about lunch, just that he was doing okay and would soon go out to get a tour of the place. Which was a lie. Eijun would snoop around on his own and see if he could find some leftovers from dinner. Otherwise, he was kinda sure he'd seen a convenient store while driving to Seido, that wouldn’t take too long to get to by foot.

They talked for maybe ten minutes or so before hanging up, and he’d felt so drained he’d only sent his dad a quick text that he’d reached Tokyo okay, that it seemed like an okay school. He’d gotten a ‘Good for you son, do your best!’ and nothing more.

It still took Eijun an embarrassingly long time to leave his room, to rack up the courage.

He looked out of his room to see if there were anyone outside. It was maybe five more rooms on the second floor in this building, and every door was closed and no one was out there on the walkway, so he opened his door more and stepped into his shoes. Eijun reached over to the nightstand and his phone, but it in his pocket together with his wallet and locked the door behind him.

There were people milling about down below, he could hear the distinct sound batting practice, the clanging of balls being hit by metal bats, which made him sure of one thing at least. There were indoor practice areas somewhere in the vicinity of the dorms.

He walked over to the stairs and down them. Some people were talking and walking past below, and Eijun tried not to look over or listen in. The mantra he had in his head were ‘just focus on food, then looking around and learning the place, don’t get anyone’s attention. Be invisible’.

He walked to the dinner-hall, dirt crunching under his shoes.

The lights were still on and he slid the door open just a little and peeked inside.

Some club members were sitting by the tv, looking through a previous match maybe? Baseball at least, and they were pausing here and there, chatting about some tells or game calling. “Did you notice the outfielders moving there?” and “when the pitcher is about to throw his signature, he does this thing with his shoulder”.

A group of girls were sitting by a table, chatting and giggling while looking through some books and newspapers, it looked like there were some photos strewn around them too.

Eijun decided to leave them be, and closed the door when he left. He didn’t want to sneak around in there, looking for food and then sit alone by a table while people looked at him funny for being there or something.

When he’d closed the door, he looked around, wondering where to begin.

There were so many buildings that held only dorm rooms, but some seemed to have storage rooms on the bottom floors too. He found the washroom, some machines already working with loads. A schedule was hanging on the wall by one of the dryers, some names already scribbled onto it on different dates, and some ‘shared space rules’ for said washing machines and driers hung on that same wall. Eijun had used washers before, but not this sort and he was sure he would need to ask for help the first time.  

He decided to leave it for now, at least he knew where it was. It was clean, spacious and the doors were propped open.

Eijun decided to keep walking around.

He found a few indoor spaces for practicing, and corners with gym equipment here and there. The club members didn’t even seem to notice him snooping around, and he’d still not been stopped or questioned. He hadn’t actually met that many while walking around.

Granted, had he seen someone coming towards him he’d opened the first door to see what was there, or stepped around a corner and tried acting natural about it. Tried to hide in a not so obvious way. Keeping busy.

Eijun was quite sure he was a little lost by now, though, there were so many buildings. And still he hadn’t found a wending machine, his stomach made a little gurgle. When had he eaten last?

Then he found the baths. At first, he should have known because of the steam escaping through some opened windows, but he’d opened the door, still thinking, hoping, about wending machines.

There were some club members standing inside the door, all in different stages of undress.

Eijuns pulse spiked, his ears buzzed, his breath hitched. The guys inside didn’t seem to notice him at first, or they didn’t care, but Eijuns mind was racing and his blood was rushing in his ears. His heart was picking up speed, like he’d run a marathon. His head was pounding.

Eijun stammered out sorry, two or three times and slammed the door shut.

Hard.

The memories were rushing in, tumbling over one another and into each other. Eijun could see everything, and still he could see nothing, because his sight was starting to narrow and darken. He couldn’t see the ground; he couldn’t see the door or the wall. Couldn’t hear anything but echoes from some month back. All he saw was his old teammates, the changing rooms from his old school, cracked old tiles.

Eijun stumbled to the side, hand landing on the wall.

‘Whoa, look at him blushing. You want a taste, Sawamura?’

‘Haha, yeah, need a command? Come, we’ll help’

‘Dude, think he will suck me off if you command him?’

Eijun laid a hand over his mouth, bile rising in his throat.

‘Whoa, totally! Sawamura, kneel before him and su-‘

He tried to breathe through the memory. Tried not to think further. Tried to forget the taste. But he could swear he tasted skin, sweat… more, in the back of his throat. Swore he could feel pubes tickling his nose and lips, smell the sweaty skin and feel the hand tangling in the hair at the back of his head, pressing him closer.

Eijun rushed around the corner and threw up. It was nothing but bile. His whole body was heaving with it, burning his throat and constricting his airway. It hurt.

He stepped past what little he’d thrown up and sank down against the wall to the baths, head between his knees, tried to breathe through the memories. Tried to focus on other sounds around him, like some buzzing insects and chatter further away, the constant clanging of bats.

Tried to see anything else but naked skin, tiles and drool pooling under him.

It was in the past. They couldn’t hurt him anymore. They had no idea where he’d been transferred to, and as long as Seido never played against them, they would never know.

Seido was not the same people, and no one knew he was a sub. He would try everything in his power not to let anyone know this time around.

“Are you okay?” Eijun flinched, and then stared into nothing for what felt like ages. Did he answer? Was the question meant for him? Was he imagined it? What was the question again? He couldn’t taste the ghost of his former teammate anymore, just bile and what he guessed was his heart crawling out through his throat.

He glanced up, didn’t meet the guy’s eyes, didn’t look past his chin. Couldn’t. Wasn’t allowed.

Just that old command made his body ache. He didn’t have the collar anymore; the command wasn’t in effect anymore.

He tried to focus on anything but old memories.

Casual clothes, two people, teens, not adults.

Right. Was okay? Absolutely fucking not. Was he going to show his weakness and admit he wasn’t? No.

“Yeah, no worries” he said, tried for a smile while removing his hand from his mouth and started to get up, his other hand on the wall behind him. His head spun when he’d nearly gotten up straight, leaving him feeling so dizzy he reached for the wall again with both hands, stumbling into it, left arm first.

Something moved in his periphery. A hand.

Eijun stepped away like the hand had burned him. The guy hadn’t even been close enough to touch him, at least a meter away, but he’d felt the ghost of a hand on his upper arm. A tight unforgiving grip. “I’m okay, just a little dizzy. Thanks, though” Eijun rushed to say.

He reached for his left upper arm, where he could feel the ghost of a grip, rubbing soothingly.

The two other guys were being quiet, and he thought for a second that maybe they would just leave him alone.

“Have you eaten, senpai? You left dinner early, too.” The other guy asked, his voice not as growly. Eijun dared look up, old command be damned.

First-years, probably, otherwise they wouldn’t have called him senpai. Which was new, it made it feel like he needed to try a little more. To be more of a senpai.

But he felt embarrassed, that everyone had seen him flee dinner, more or less.

Great start.

He studied them, like he’d done with Kominato and Furuya. One was wearing glasses, a red streak in his hair, which Eijun found kind of neat. He had some real lazy-eyes going on, but he didn’t look mean. Not that that had stopped anyone before thought.

The guy beside him had pale platinum blond, nearly white, hair and some real pale blue eyes. The first thing he thought was ‘wolf’, and he looked so serious, straight faced. Eijun knew he was staring, because he couldn’t read him at all. He was waiting for any sign of trouble, like a quirk of a brow or tugging of the lips. Eijun got nothing, and that freaked him out a little.

It was like he didn’t have any emotions.

His friend, glasses-guy, was smiling thought.

“Oh, no, I wasn’t that hungry” He’d had lunch on the train, or well, two riceballs his mom had prepared, but nothing after that. He couldn’t even remember if he’d drank anything after the water bottle Coach Ochiai had handed him.

“I don’t think there are any leftovers, but we did see some wending machines over that way. We’re trying to learn where everything is. We can show you?” Eijun blinked, looking in the direction glasses guy had pointed. He couldn’t see the mentioned wending machines, but why would they lie?

“Oh, uhm, thanks” he said, standing a little straighter. He didn’t know if he’d said thanks for offering to show him, or telling him where they’d seen wending machines. “Oh, I’m Sawamura Eijun, nice to meet you” he said. He didn’t offer his hand, just gave a slight nod, still not turned their way, back against the wall.

“I’m Seto, Seto Takuma! This is Okumura Koushuu” Eijun thought back to Kominato and Furuya, how Kominato had talked for Furuya, maybe this friendship dynamic was similar, one being more friendly than the other. “Come on, lets show him the way, Koushuu”.

The blond guy just gave Takuma a look. To Eijun it was just a look, but Takuma seemed to be able to read a lot from that one look. He raised on eyebrow, smile not leaving his face. It was a silent stare off.

“Ah, no need, I think I can fi-“ Eijun was cut off by the blond guy.

“Let’s go senpai. Who knows, maybe you’ll faint next” Okumura cut him off, walking past Eijun, who just blinked after him.

“Oy, Koushuu, be more polite!” Takuma said with a sigh, walking up to Eijun, nodding at the blonds back “Sorry ‘bout that, he’s very polite otherwise. It’s been a long day”.

“I can hear you” Okumura grumbled, but he didn’t sound frustrated or anything. Eijun couldn’t get a read on them, or at least not on the blond. The other guy seemed okay, so Eijun decided to follow them, mostly to get his thoughts away from his memories.

People were milling about, some looking a little sweaty, bats in hand, others were just walking around chatting.

Okumura took the lead.

Takuma talked animatedly about the practice they’d had, showing off their batting and sprinting. He told Eijun that he had some really fast legs, and then kept talking about Okumura being a catcher, and how they’d known each other since they were toddlers. Best friends and stuff, which made Eijun miss his own friends back home, wondering how they were.

Eijun didn’t have to say anything, Takuma gladly held the whole conversation going. But Eijun noticed himself relaxing the more Takuma talked, and he felt his shoulders being a little lighter, felt like he could smile, just a little and answer with a nod or ‘Wha, really?’. That was enough.

Before long they’d reach the mentioned wending machines and Eijun looked them over. Okumura and Takuma were talking with one another by the wending machines, leaving Eijun alone without actually leaving.

A part of him was glad for that, because it was seriously dark by the wending machines, they were placed between two buildings, nearly no lights expect from the machines themselves and an open door to a training area.

One machine had snacks, like some nutrition bars, cheap chocolate and chips. The other had sodas, water, juice and coffee. He pressed the numbers for a nutrition bar, a bag of salty potato chips and orange juice.

When he had his items, he looked up and startled, just slightly, because Takuma and Okumura hadn’t left. They looked at him, waiting for something, and Eijun had no idea what. Was he supposed to buy them something to drink too? Was he supposed to share?

“We’re going to look around and see where everything is, want to tag along, senpai?” Takuma asked and Eijun blinked.

“I-… sure” he said, because what else? He hadn’t seen everything yet, it was such a big area to explore, but he kind of also just wanted to sit down in his room and eat. He didn’t want to sit down by the bench beside him, not when anyone could walk by, he wouldn’t be able to get away if he was eating. “You don’t mind if I eat while we walk?” he asked, showing the nutrition bar.

“Nope! Come on, we can check this training area out first” Takuma said, grinning and pointing to the open doors. There hadn’t been anyone inside while they’d walked past, so he thought that maybe he was safe.

Okumura and Takuma hadn’t done anything, yet, that would make him uneasy or anxious.

Eijun started to open his nutrition bar while joining them, and when he reached them, Okumura reached his hand out slowly, so Eijun could see it. He still flinched and took a step back. Takuma hadn’t seen, but Okumura was looking at him. Eijun was focusing on his breathing.

Okumura hadn’t moved his hand away, and now he reached out again and took the juice bottle and chips.

“I’ll hold this, so you don’t drop them” he said and started to turn away, walking over to the open doors. Eijun was staring after him, heart pounding. Yup, now he felt uneasy, and Okumura had just walked away with his chips and juice.

Eijun looked down at his nutrition bar. He’d had trouble opening it with his hands full, and Okumura had just removed the obstacle. He heard Takuma asking Okumura something and looked up to see him point at the chips and juice. Okumura answered something that Eijun couldn’t hear.

He opened the bar without any trouble and walked after them, taking his first bite. Hard and dry, but still quite good. Or, it was okay, not the best he’d ever had.

Takuma was looking around at all the corners of the space inside, Okumura a step behind, and Eijun stayed even further behind, eating his bar and memorizing what he saw. There were nets by a wall that could be moved, some stands for baseballs that the hitters could use to practice, some baskets with balls and bats. There were a few wooden bats, but mostly metal ones. He wasn’t that good at hitting in full swing, but he was quite good at bunting he’d learned.

When he’d eaten his nutrition bar, Okumura was there and handing him his bottle of juice.

Eijun said a tiny thanks while taking it, avoiding touching the others fingers as much as possible. Okumura only gave a grunt, but kept holding on to the chips. Eijun didn’t dare ask to get them back, because maybe they’d become payment for Okumuras’ help.

Well, he could always walk back and buy a new bag of chips if that was the case.

When Takuma came back, he seemed done with scooping out this place and wanted to go to the next unexplored building. Eijun offered to show them all the places he’d found, and he spent at least 20 more minutes outside with the two. They found some new areas, they showed him the Coaches lounge, and he pointed out where the washing machines were.

Okumura ended up giving him his bag of chips back when the tour seemed to wind down and he gratefully took it with a nod, not knowing why he’d kept carrying it if he was going to give it back anyway.

Takuma was the one who said good night when they parted ways, and Eijun echoed it, and didn’t know what the feeling was that he felt in his chest. But it was a little warm and easy.

Maybe he would be okay here after all.

Notes:

And you guys know what? I'm working on a smutty dom/sub oneshot rarepair for Daiya no Ace right now. Hahaha I don't think you'll see this one coming.

If this chapter was too much for you, I'm sorry and I hope you take care of yourself with something nice to drink and eat.

Until next time <3

Chapter 4

Notes:

Hi everyone!

Thank you all for your encouragement for this fic. Some of you have commented that this fic makes you hurt, and I take that as a huge compliment, thank you!
I don't know how many of you are familiar with the dom/sub-verse, and I've purposefully left out to write down the rules of the concept. Maybe I should add it to the first chapter... hmmm.

Anyway, I'm back! Enjoy!

His body wouldn’t listen to him. Puppet on a string. Desperate to follow commands.

He couldn’t move, couldn’t scream, couldn’t utter his safe-word.

Collar tight on his throat, a hand holding him face down. Saliva, tears and snot covering the sheets under him.

He didn’t hear the commands, but his body felt them doing as told.

His heart jackhammering in his chest, fast as a rabbit.

“You’re so bad at this, are you even listening?” he was, Eijun was listening, he just couldn’t comprehend the words correctly, his body was doing everything the commands told it to do. His tears left his cheek itchy, eyes warm and heavy, gasping breath leaving his throat sore. “I told you to stay and shut up!”

Fingers in his hair, a tight, bruising grip and then the dom yanked so hard a scream tore through Eijuns throat anyway.

He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t breathe. Someone was holding him in place, holding him down, constricting his throat. Pillow soaked through.

He registered he’d woken with a scream in his throat, face down in the pillow, heart hammering so hard he might be sick with it. Woken just before the strike to his face.

Someone was constricting him.

Eijun started to fight, tearing the sheets, tumbling out of bed, sheets tangled around his legs. He hit the floor on his hands and knees, turned and tried to see who was in there with him. He’d locked the door, no one would be able to get in through the window by the desk, being on the second floor that he was.

He saw no one.

There were no one there, only him.

Eijun stared down his legs, still trying to get a deep enough breathe.

The sheets had been so tightly wrapped around he must have imagined it all, and his shirt had dragged up and back enough the neckline was tight against his Adams apple.  

He flopped onto the floor on his back, stared up at the ceiling and tried to focus on his breathing, on calming down. Count 5 things he could see - ceiling lamp, the door, his sheets, the bed, the chair in his periphery. Count 4 things he could touch – the cold floor, the sheets, his shirt, his hair was damp. Count 3 things he could hear – his breathing, a hooting outside, the wind rustling some bushes below. Eijun took a new deep breath and closed his eyes.

He was alright.

Eijun was alone, it had just been a dream, a memory. The past, haunting him even in his sleeping moments.

His eyes burned. The sudden, blinding fear, had shocked his systems awake and now he was crashing down. Lips wobbling, a hiccupping gasping breath, and he tugged the sheets over himself and turned on his side. Hugging himself as he cried.

Next time he came to, he was still on the floor and even thought his body hurt, his mind hadn’t conjured any more nightmares for him.

Eijun groaned and sat up, reaching for the nightstand and his phone. 4.30 in the morning, he didn’t feel any point in going back to sleep, he might as well start his day early. At least no one would be awake now, or bother him. He wouldn’t need to worry.

He felt stiff as he got on his feet, and he looked at his bed. It looked like he’d been in a battle, coversheet crumbled in places and yanked from the matrass in other spots. The pillow still looked a little damp from saliva and tears, maybe he should open the window and see if the fresh air would help dry it out a little.

It was nearer to five when he’d finished dressing and made the bed, and made sure his pillow wouldn’t fall out if he left it in the window a bit.

He took a quick glance into the mirror. His eyes still had bags under them, he felt just as tired as he looked, but his hair was an absolute mess. The bruising around his throat still visible, peeking out of the high turtleneck if one looked closely. Nothing he could do. His mom had tried to show him how cover them with makeup, but it had smeared the shirt, giving away he was hiding something.

Turtlenecks it was, for a while.

Eijun made sure, just like last night, to lock the door after himself, before he headed down the corridor and the stairs.

It wasn’t a soul in sight, only some early bird’s singing in the distance.

He made his way towards the path that would lead him to the practice field, and when he got on it he took a deep breath in and held it.

Morning air was the best kind, when it still smelled of dew and night.

Eijun looked back to the dorm complex, all different separate buildings, wondering if he’d missed one or two last night. And speaking of last night, it had gone better than he’d imagined. Yes, mishaps had occurred, but not what some of his wildest thoughts had flashed him.

Furuya and Kominato had been okay, he’d felt a little more at ease with Furuya. Until he’d learned Furuya was the ace. He didn’t know them, he didn’t know what their goal was with trying to befriend him. Then he’d met Seto and Okumura, first-years that hadn’t asked anything about his past. To them he was just as new as they were to this place, and Seto hadn’t minded talking about anything and everything.

Come to think of it, he’d actually enjoyed it a bit.

But that was dangerous too.

Eijun sighed and started to stretch his body a little, warming it up for a morning jog.

When he’d jogged for a while, he started to meet some people out walking their dogs, jogging too or being on their way to work, probably. But he didn’t see any other students until he’d been out and about for maybe an hour. He hadn’t jogged all the time, he’d actually scoped out the training fields. He’d found the dugouts and gone through them, looked closer at the bullpen and some practice area for pitchers, with a tiny mound and a net a few meters away, more in the open.

The were maybe three storage sheds, and even thought his skin crawled and he got goosebumps all over, he decided to check them out.

He never stepped inside, just the thought made his breathing come shorter. But he did open the door to the first one to see if he could make out any equipment’s inside.

Tires, a bunch of them, ropes tided around them. Baseball bats, baskets of baseballs, weights, some other stuff he couldn’t make out. He closed the door and went for the next shed, standing by another court. Inside, it was much the same as before, but further in he could see some thin short matrasses, more like yoga mats if he squinted, thinking to the mat his mom liked to use.

Flashes of memory. He didn’t catch any of the images, he just slammed the door shut before he could remember. Before images could latch on.

Before he could remember the fear, sounds, tastes, feelings.

He turned around and leaned his back against the door, tipped his head back and took a deep, slow breath in through his nose and out through the mouth.

It’s not the same.

This place was warmer, even if it was only spring. No snow, no icicles hanging from the roof of the shed.

Maybe he should leave his exploring for the day and see if he could get breakfast before everyone woke up. Or at least before it got all crowded.

There were some students awake when he made it back. Some he’d met on a morning jog just as he, they only gave a nod while passing him, all while Eijun had felt himself go rigid anyone got close to him.

Nothing had happened, and no one really paid him any mind while he walked between buildings towards the gathering room. Or something. He knew it was for both eating and watching the tv, if he should go about what he’d seen the night before.

When he opened the door and looked inside, he could se a few students up and eating. Or rather, they looked sleepier than awake, some on pajamas and others already dressed some comfy clothes like Eijun. The ladies from the night before were serving breakfast, and when he looked at the clock, it was closer to six, so people would start showing up soon he gathered.

“Morning!” a lady chirped when Eijun came up to be served “How are you feeling, love? You didn’t eat anything last night” Eijun blinked at here. Hair in a net, dressed in a white apron, smile on her face. She looked like a kind grandma, and he wondered if she did have grandchildren. Hoped they wouldn’t suffer the fate of a second nature.

“I’m good. Sorry for throwing away food” he said, feeling shame rise, both at what he’d just thought and what he’d done with their hard work.

“Don’t mention it.” She said with a little wave, then started to serve him some food. Rice, miso soup, tamagoyaki, pickled vegetables and grilled fish “and there is always more rice if you want a second bowl or two” she said while he lifted the tray.

“Thank you” he said, walking down the line to get a glass of milk and chopsticks. Then he went to the table furthers in the back, away from the few students being there.

The breakfast was good, tasting a little like home, like his mums grilled fish and his grandpas’ pickled vegetables. A few more students trickled in while he ate, but he kept his head down and finished his food, feeling full and sated.

When the area for leaving diches were clear of others, he got up and placed the dishware in their right plastic tray, then made sure to thank the ladies doing all the cooking again.

Eijun thought about his medication. He should really take it now when he had food in his system, and maybe relax just a bit. Or he could head back to the practice fields, he was quite sure there would be some kind of practice today. School wasn’t until tomorrow, and Seido was a school which aimed for nationals too, so he was sure they were meticulous with their training

“Oh, Sawamura, you’re up early”

Eijun had nearly run into the guy. They’d opened the door at the exact same time, but just the fantom feeling of running into a dom had his hackles rising, goosebumps exploding on his skin.

Eijun stumbled back, hit the table behind him with the back of his thighs, heard someone shout at him to watch it.

Miyuki’s face went from a pleasing smile to a frown, like he didn’t understand what he’d done.

He hadn’t done anything. But Eijun was sure he was a dom, and he couldn’t-

“Sorry” he said on a gasp as he moved to get past Miyuki and two other guys walking behind him, stumbling out of the way when he saw a hand reach for him. His left arm.

Eijun spun so he was facing Miyuki again, keeping his left arm out of reach, hitting his back against the door frame.

Miyuki held his hand up and out, like he indeed had meant to stop him, but slowly lowered his arm. Someone was asking Eijun something. He couldn’t hear the words, and the food felt like it was coming up. Miyuki in front of him, flickering images of another dom, back to Miyuki.

“S-sorry, I’ll be out of your hair” Eijun stammered out while backing outside, before turning and walking away. Fast. Reaching the stairs by his dorm building in record time, he was sure.  

He took the steps two at a time.

Couldn’t hear anyone following him, turned the corner on the second landing and froze. Someone was standing by his dorm room, hand up to knock.

His first instinct was to turn around and head back down, maybe take another lap, but then he registered who it was and relaxed.

“Sir” Eijun said with a relieved sigh while walking over, just as Ochiai knocked on his door. The older man looked over at him, placing his hands in his pockets.

“Ah, you’re already up. Early bird as always”

“You too, what are you doing here so early, sir?” Eijun asked, reaching him and starting to unlock his door. Coach Ochiai was one of few he wasn’t worried about. The man had only touched him once, to adjust how he was holding his arm, and after Eijuns reaction he’d never done so again.

It had been violent, shocking Ochiai enough he’d stayed silent for a minute or two. Then he’d continued, not getting near him.

Ochiai was many things, and he’d warmed up real slow to Eijun, but after a month of struggling together (and Ochiai grumping about his wife being mad at him for not being serious) Ochiai had started to act like he cared.

He’d even showed Eijun a picture of his daughter once when they’d taken a break from some intense practicing, and told Eijun a bit about her. It had been a new side to the man, one he kind of liked and wanted to see more often.

Eijun stepped inside, leaving the door open for Ochiai. The man didn’t come inside, staying in the doorway, leaving enough room for Eijun to be able to pass if he needed.

“I wanted to talk before practice started, figured you would be here” He said, stroking his goatee and looking down the corridor rather then inside. Eijun fetched his pillow from the open window, felt it still being a little damp but not as when he’d woken up. He placed it on the bed and started to rummage through the nightstand for his medication. “The bruising looks better”.

Eijun froze, bottle in hand, and just stared down at it. The tiny text, the information of dosage and the effective substance.

His dom strangling him with the collar, yanking, showing him away. Fingers digging in instead when Eijun barely got a breath down. Snarling, hateful, degrading language that hit like stones on already rattling glass, words caught in a storm, whooshing by, leaving a mess in its wake.

“Yeah” he whispered, blinking back into the room, hand on his throat. He swallowed and laughed self-deprecating “It’s been a few days after all” he said and tried for a reassuring smile. By the displeased look on Ochiai’s face, Eijun knew he hadn’t done a good job.

“I don’t think anyone have noticed, don’t worry” he said with a sigh, while Eijun took his medication, swallowed them down dry. “Coach Kataoka told me what you said to him, about never fielding and that it was your first time pitching to a catcher?”

Eijun glanced at him, shrugged.

“It practically is my first time. I only pitched to-…” He couldn’t say his name. The catcher from his former team had never been mean to him, had never been part of what had happened. But he’d also never stepped in or tried to stop it, more than a half assed ‘stop’, and it still hurt “I only pitched to the team’s catcher once or twice, before-“ he shut his mouth and looked away.

Before word got out that Eijun was a sub.

Ochiai seemed to understand, dropping the subject.

“Todays practice is going to be individual, Kataoka has told me he’d want to see more of your pitches. I think we should show him everything you have, so far”  

Eijun looked up at him “Oh, alright” he said, closing the drawer to his nightstand and walking back over to the door and Ochiai, then stopped. He bit his lip, thinking to the day before, to this morning.

Miyuki, main catcher and captain. Eijun didn’t know if he had the guts to face him as a pitcher.

“I-, will…” Ochiai sighed and looked away, down to the courtyard.

“Spit it out” he said, sounding exasperated, but Eijun had learned the different shifts, and when the man wanted to act like he didn’t care.

“Who will be catching?” Ochiai moved out of Eijuns way when Eijun stepped out, but answered while Eijun locked his door back up.

“The captain, Miyuki. He’s the best catcher honestly, and I believe he’ll be the only one able to catch some of your more difficult pitches” He’d started walking, and Eijun caught up to him, walking by his side, which wasn’t hard. Ochiai was a man who took his time.

Eijun bit his bottom lip, then glanced around a little.

“He’s a dom, right?” he asked. Ochiai already knew some of Eijuns history, but not all, only on the surface. But at least he knew Eijun was a sub. Which Eijun thought might have played a huge part to why Ochiai had been reluctant in the beginning, and mean. Not as mean as many others Eijun had met, but mean enough he knew what word to use to make it sting.

“Yes” Ochiai said with a groan “He was a pain to deal with during fall when it manifested” he added, sounding irritated. Eijun didn’t feel reassured at all, feeling his steps slow down a bit, his heart beat faster.

He’d known it, that Miyuki was a dom. But hearing the guy had been a pain to Ochiai because of it? He didn’t trust it. A dominant in a powerful position.

“I hate to admit it, but he’s good guy. He cares for the team, and I’ve never seen him abuse his nature in any bad way” Eijun blinked, then whipped his head up to stare at Ochiai. It wasn’t often he heard the man admit things. Was he trying to reassure Eijun? Eijun had no idea. “I won’t tell you to trust him, but have a little faith. These guys are not your former team”.

Eijun mulled that over all the way to practice field A, where he’d been looking around earlier that morning. Ochiai had walked there with him, and that had helped. Eijun hadn’t felt as worried when other club members jogged past them, saying morning to Ochiai. Even when someone came way to close to clap Eijun on the shoulder, no one did, only waved or shouted morning when they’d already gone by them.

Ochiai muttered a ‘morning’ in reluctance to everyone who said it to him.

“I wanted to ask before” Eijun said in a low voice. Ochiai only hummed and glanced back at him “Are you responsible for getting me here?”

Ochiai’s lips actually tugged at that, a quick smile, there and gone. But it had been there, and something fluttered in Eijuns chest.

“Hm, I don’t know what you’re talking about” Ochiai said, but Eijun knew. That smile had given the man away. He wondered what Ochiai had needed to do to get him there, if he also was the reason Eijun had gotten a private room. A room without a number on it, a pale mark on the door which must have been left behind from some old information on what the room had contained before.

It all meant that something about this place had made Ochiai want Eijun to come here.

He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but was interrupted.

“Ochiai, ‘morning”

“Oh, good morning, Coach Kataoka, hope you slept on what I talked about” Ochiai said, stroking his goatee again while Kataoka walked up to him. Eijun didn’t feel like he could interrupt so he slowed his steps a little and watched as Ochiai and Coach Kataoka walked over to one of the dug outs by the field.

Maybe he should give this place a chance after all.

Notes:

I would like to recommend these dom/sub-verse M/M mangas:

- Ii Ko ni Dekitara Hometekure by Kuroi Yodaka (which got me into the dom/sub-verse)
- Tameshi ni Komando Itte mita by Yukue Moegi (one of my favs)
- Collar ni Kuchizuke by OOY

Until next time!

Chapter 5

Notes:

Dear me it's been a while, hasn't it?
I don't have that much to say, I've been on sickleave from work this week due to stress and anxiety. I had a very good discussion with my boss regarding it, but I did tell her I'm jobhunting. She told me she would keep here ears and eyes open if something opened up that I would like, which was very kind of her.
Witg that said, listen to your mental health and take care <3

Back to an anxiety ridden Eijun.

He needs a hug and a warm cup of tea.

He’d been paired up with Miyuki Kazuya, and he couldn’t think straight because of it.

Ochiai had told him Miyuki was the most likely scenario, because he was a genius, apparently. Maybe he’d heard the name before, but only in passing. He was sure it had been said when he didn’t belong with the team anymore, but for his dom.

Just the memory of his first dom made him shudder and reaching for his throat, only to throw his arm back down when it had felt like someone was watching him.

No, Eijun didn’t have luck. He’d abandoned the thought of ever being lucky in a positive way ever again.

He’d just thought that if Miyuki was a genius, the starting catcher and Captain, he wouldn’t need to bother with a nobody like Eijun. They would pair him up with another catcher and let Miyuki focus on the ace.

But no, as soon as they’d entered the bullpen, after warm-up with the rest of the team, Ochiai and Miyuki had turned to him and Eijuns fate had been sealed. Miyuki hadn’t said anything to him, not really. A tiny smile, a thumbs up, and then turned to give orders to the other pitchers and catchers to pair up and start their warm-up.

Eijun watched them now, how Miyuki talked with Furuya and a catcher with a broad nose and trimmed hair, both of them nodding at whatever the captain was saying.

Eijun walked over to the nearest bench and the closest empty slot for practice, reaching out to put down his water bottle. His fingers were shaking, he felt a little cold at the tips of his fingers. His heart was beating fast. There was a stone in his chest, in his stomach, hard to swallow down.

“I know I said not to trust him, and that he was a pain…” Eijun jumped, nearly fumbled the water bottle. Had forgotten to never turn his back to others like this, never be easily vulnerable.

Memories of hands on his hips, his lower abdomen, a hand pushing his head down to the ground. Into the snow. A hand in his pants.  

He tried to blink back to the precent. Two images overlapping.

Ochiai was standing right in front of him now. Eijun hadn’t even registered him moving to be in front of him. The older man didn’t look concerned, not noticeably anyway, but he wasn’t coming closer either. Eijun’s gaze snapped down to see where Ochiais hands where.

In his pockets, secure. No danger.

Eijun took a steadying breath.

It was spring, there were no snow here. He was at a new school. Ochiai was there. No one had tried to hurt him. Not yet, anyway.

“As I was saying, Miyuki is a good catcher, show him what you got” Ochiai continued when Eijun could breathe through his nose again, when Eijun felt a little steadier.

“Okay” he said, and Ochiai nodded and turned, walking over to where Furuya was getting ready to pitch.

When he thought back, hadn’t Ochiai talked about a guy named Furuya before?  And how ‘that’s a good pitcher, he could go pro right out of high school’. Yeah, Eijun was kind of sure this was the same guy, and maybe he would actually get the chance, and peace of mind, to watch him pitch.

Someone moved in the corner of his eye, and he looked over just in time to see Miyuki getting close.

Too close.

Eijun instinctively stepped back one step, bumping the back of his leg into the bench his water bottle was on. Miyuki stopped immediately.

Eijun couldn’t read his face, his eyes. Miyuki looked different, somehow, was it the glasses? Had he switched them out?

Then Miyuki seemed to make a decision and smiled, a little bit of mischief in the way those lips tugged. Eijun’s stomach roiled. Laughter in the back of his head, an unfriendly sound, followed by discipline he hadn’t deserved. Was sure he hadn’t deserved, anyway. Memories of voices he wanted to forget.

“Looks like it’s you and me, partner. Show me every kind of pitch you have. Only the once you feel you’ve mastered. Alright?” he raised his mitted hand to Eijun, and Eijun had seen the move so many times before that he automatically raised his own mitted hand. Miyuki clapped his mitt to Eijuns and jogged over to the makeshift homeplate, crouching down. He showed his open mitt to Eijun, prompted him to throw.

“Warm up?” He asked, loud enough so Miyuki could hear.

“Yes. And then I want your favorite pitch, then we start!” Miyuki called back, which took Eijun aback.

Did he have a favorite pitch?  Maybe he did, he’d never thought about it.

He started by throwing some normal straight balls, painting the different corners. Then Miyuki called for him to pitch his favorite, and Eijun had still not figured out what that was.

Simple is best, just to begin with, right?

He took a breath to steady himself, raised his leg and moved. Shielding his body with his right hand, closing his body a little more, stomping down and releasing for the inside corner. Miyuki caught it, grinned.

“Nice pitch!” he called, throwing the ball back. The praise, even if it wasn’t meant as praise for a sub, still soothed him.

So he continued like that, showing his inside pitches, a change-up, then his numbers when Ochiai decided to join them. He made Miyuki paus, talked to Eijun which numbers to show, then moved away, probably to stand and guide the catcher.

“Wait, Ochiai, sir” he said, taking one step in Ochiai’s direction. The man stopped and looked back at Eijun, an eyebrow raised in question. “I- I’ve been practicing one more number, number six. I want to show you” he said, a little rushed, a little nervous.

If Ochiai wanted him to show Miyuki and Coach Kataoka what he could throw, then shouldn’t he show this one too? He’d poured his all into that pitch when he was without Ochiai for a few weeks, months, when he’d been homebound, more or less.

Ochiai actually looked surprised now. He hummed, stroked his goatee.

“Sure, after you’ve shown the ones you’ve mastered” he said, and started for Miyuki again. Miyuki actually didn’t look so pleased at having Ochiai coming near him, but only for a split second, then Ochiai took his place slightly behind the catcher. Out of the way of stray balls.

Ochiai called for the numbers, one at a time, while instructing Miyuki on what to expect.

He threw his numbers, one through five. Cut fastball, 2-seamer, 4-seamer, circle changeup, a powered-up change-up that he didn’t practice as much.

He showed his splitter.

Now he had number six and seven left, number seven was already mastered.

He didn’t notice everyone else looking, that no one else were pitching. And no one had left. But he didn’t know that, he was focusing on his number seven, his cutter kai.

Miyuki nodded at whatever Ochiai had said, and showed his open mitt Eijuns way.

Eijun took a steading breath, then moved. It was like breathing.

He watched the ball go flying, noticed Miyukis expression of confusion, and just then the ball sharply changed course. He reached his mitt out, but not fast enough. The ball hit the edge of Miyukis mitt and went past Ochiai, bouncing on the ground twice before stopping.

Eijun stared, straightened up.

He knew he’d thrown it perfectly if he went by Ochiais pleased little smile, there and gone. But that was enough.

“What was that?” Eijun jumped and snapped his head to the side, saw the light-haired guy from the night before. What was his name again, Touru? Toki? Toujou?

“Uhm” Eijun said, uncertain, caught off guard. Didn’t like the attention he was getting.

“Again!” Miyuki called, snapping Eijun back to the task at hand, and him again. He’d noticed some of the other catchers and pitchers watching now, he could even see Coach Kataoka making his way for a closer look.

This was nerve wracking.  

“Y-yes!” Sawamura called, feeling stiff as a board.

He caught the ball Miyuki threw to him, and he tried to block everyone out. He just needed to throw number seven again, wanted Ochiai to be proud of him. And if it was true that Ochiai had played a part in getting him here, he didn’t want the man to regret it.

He took a shaky steading breath and moved through the motion on autopilot, watched the ball once again split off course when it was extremely close to the imagined batter. This time, to Eijuns surprise and confused delight, Miyuki caught it.

Eijun stared at him, stunned, and Miyuki were looking down at his mitt, then turned to talk with Ochiai. Ochiai said something, and it looked like a confirmation. The grin Miyuki cast his way confirmed something, he seemed to like what he saw.

“Alright! Last time, then show me your number six” Miyuki called, throwing the ball. So Eijun did as he was told, finding it easier to focus on Miyukis yellow mitt and determination than anything else.

He threw number seven once again, and noticed how Coach Kataoka was talking to Ochiai. Ochiai answered behind his hand, like he didn’t want Eijun to read his lips. To know what was being said. He didn’t hear the ball his Miyukis mitt, he only heard a rushing in his ears.

Memories flashing.  

‘Did you see that?’ someone whispered, loudly, mouth hidden behind a hand. Eijun tried to duck his head lower between his raised shoulders, but he couldn’t move as he wanted, as he wished.

‘No way, haha, that’s sick’ one of his teammates laughed in disbelief. Eijun didn’t want to show how much their words stung, how nervous, anxious and worried he felt by the obvious claiming.

He raised a hand to try and hide the heavy collar, knew his fingers were shaking. Just touching the brown leather made him queasy. It was on way to tight, he could feel it restricting him when he swallowed food, water, air.

‘You think we can watch sometimes?’

A ball hit him square in the chest, and he grunted by the impact, raised his mitted hand to sooth the pain. He blinked back to the precent, watched the ball roll away from him.

He had his left hand on his throat, could hear his own rattling breathing.

“Sorry, thought you saw it coming!” Miyuki called, and Eijun raised his gaze to watch the catcher. Another face flashed before him, much meaner and grin wild, then flash back to Miyukis covered face.

“Here” Eijun felt dazed, had no energy to fight or flee. He felt like surrendering. This was his life, after all.

But when nothing happened, he looked over to where the voice had come from.

Furuya was handing him the ball, and Eijun reached out with his mitt. Furuya dropped the ball into it.

“Thanks…” he whispered, swallowed.

“Does your throat hurt?” Toujou asked, and Eijun jumped away, into the bench. Water bottle clattering to the dirt. Everything seemed to stop.

Toujou had leaned over his shoulder from behind, spoken nearly right into his ear. No, that wasn’t right, he hadn’t been that close at all, but there was a phantom feeling of someone’s weight over his shoulders, crowding him.

Now Furuya and Toujou looked at him with raised eyebrows, and Eijun flung his hand away from his throat, hoped the shirt stayed in place.

“N-no, I’m good, yup” he said, rushed, and stepped back into place while feeling the leather of the ball. Tried to ground himself. He just needed to get this over and done with, then he could go back to his room and take his medicine.

He focused back on Miyukis mitt, tried to ignore Furuya and Toujous eyes on him.

He was used to people staring, and it hadn’t been like he’d wanted to be seen in a long time. He hated people watching him. He never knew what they were thinking, or whispering.

Once upon a time he’d loved attention, to be seen among his peers.

But now? No, never, not after… not after.

Miyuki showed he was ready.

Eijun pressed the ball between his middle- and ring finger, as much as he could, and closed his fingers around the ball. Then he let his body do the work, thought of every detail of the motion, and threw the ball.

Much like his cutter kai, it split off course. But the Vulcan grip was nasty in another way.

It split away from Miyuki, wild, hit Ochiais calf and bounced.

Miyuki stared in disbelief and Ochiai looked surprised and pleased.

“Hoh, you’ve gotten better at that one” he commented while leaning down, picking up the ball.

“Was that-?” Coach Kataoka asked, and Ochiai interrupted with a nod “A vulcan? Yes. Not perfected, but close to, I think.”

Eijun stared at them, then heard someone laugh in disbelief behind him.

“No way, you can throw that too? That’s crazy” Toujou said, smiling brightly when Eijun looked over at him. He felt weary all of a sudden. He couldn’t place it. Was it the laugh? So much had been happening in just a very short amount of time.

“U-um, can I go?” He called, feeling something start to spill over, his skin splitting at the seams.

“Don’t forget to cool your shoulder. You know where the kit is?” Ochiai answered, and no one seemed to care that he’d more or less given the go ahead, expect for Miyuki who turned towards Ochiai.

“What? Wait, that was just once. It could be a fluke” but Eijun were taking off his glove, picking up his water bottle and leaving. Rushed.

He knew everyone were staring now, for a whole nother reason. And he hadn’t answered Ochiai.

No, he had no idea where the icing kit were, but he was sure he could find it. Or ask someone about it. He was sure he could manage.

He left the bullpen behind, felt his body go weak, forced his legs to keep him up.

Didn’t notice other teammates moving past him, walked to leave the practice field. Had no idea if there were supposed to be more. He just needed to get away, just for a second.

“Are you alright, senpai?”

Eijun stopped. Recognized the voice.

Okumura stood a few meters away, face expressionless, geared up as a catcher. Eijun blinked at the get up. He was a catcher?

He wasn’t alone, a short guy with short hair was with him in the same get-up. There were two more with them, one very tall skinny guy and a blond guy who had some good sideburns going there.

“Yeah, I’m good… uhm, do you know where the icing kit is? I need to ice my shoulder” why did he ask him? Them? He could just look for it himself.

“Sure” Okumura said after a moment, handing over his catchers’ mitt to the tallest of the four.

“I can show you, senpai!” the short said eagerly, but something in his tone, his energy, felt too much for Eijun right now. And at the same time, how could he say no?

He opened his mouth to answer, but Okumura interrupted.

“No, go ahead, I’ll join soon” the other two, pitchers, maybe? Said sure, and started to leave. The shorter one looked at him for a beat longer, before smiling.

“You can ask for anything, anytime, senpai!” he said, turned and left with the other two.

Eijun let out a shaky breath. Okumura either didn’t notice, or didn’t care enough to ask, which was fine by Eijun.

“This way” Okumura said, heading for the first practice field and dugout. Eijun followed.

He only needed to focus on walking, breathing, and following. He could do that.

He could do this.

Chapter 6

Notes:

Hello everyone, It's a little over a month since last time!
I'm so happy to see so many of you joining for this ride. Tokiya, my oc from "Help me bretahe" is not the bad guy for this fic. I've created a new little monster for this one, just for you~
Anyway, I've so many ideas for this fic. My question is, where's the line for Mature vs Explicit? I have no idea...

Anyway, i hope you'll enjoy this next chapter!

“Here” Eijun flinched at Okumuras voice, sudden in the silence. He tried to keep the flinch to a small thing, but knew from the way the first-year went still that he hadn’t succeeded. Eijun looked over slowly, couldn’t lift his head to look the other in the eyes. His body, his mind, so tired and heavy. Knew he’d zoned out.

They hadn’t spoken on the way over, and even though they’d been at this school, this field, the same amount of time, Okumura seemed to know where everything was. Okumura had looked inside the dugout, spotted what he was looking for and pointed to the bench Eijun now was sitting on.

And he’d just zoned out with thoughts of the practice at the bullpen.

Could he’d have done something better? Could he have said something? Should he have stayed?

He felt sluggish. Drained. He didn’t want to think.

Okumura were holding something blue in his outstretched hand, and Eijun took it gingerly, looked at it more closely. Tried to figure out what went where. It was meant to go over his shoulder, that he knew. Knew it was supposed to be strapped around his chest and arm. But he’d not seen it be put on by the pitcher, and their pitchers had always gotten help.

“I don’t deserve this” he mumbled under his breath absentmindedly, while trying to fit the icing around his shoulder and upper arm. No, he really didn’t deserve this type of care, he could never be a pitcher that mattered anyway. He wouldn’t be useful. He would be a liability on the mound.

It was a struggle just to have the icing stay while he tried to tighten it around his chest.

“Eh?” Eijun froze mid strapping at Okumuras sound, couldn’t read it, didn’t understand it. He thought back to what he’d been thinking, realized he’d said some of it out loud.

“Nothing, thank you” he rushed out, tried for a laugh, heard it fall clumsy in his ears. Grating, even. Wished for Okumura not to ask, not to probe.

Okumura was silent, and Eijun scooted back a little more on the bench in the dugout, so he could lean his back against the wall. He pressed his left shoulder blade into the wall so the icing stayed in place, then succeeded in fastening the pack.

It was restricting him. It felt wrong, off. It chafed. He felt cold into his bone, and it wasn’t because of the icing.

“It’s not on correctly, senpai, it’s supposed to go under your shirt” Okumura said, and Eijun halted his thoughts and stared straight ahead. No, he couldn’t remove his shirt, not here, Okumura would see the ugliness of him. He couldn’t let anyone see, to know, to get it. Couldn’t let anyone figure out he was a sub, not again.

Okumura didn’t come closer or say anything more for a moment, while Eijun felt like he was panicking.

He felt overwhelmed. Why did he even need to ice his shoulder? He hadn’t played in a game, hadn’t been throwing that much. Right? He didn’t want it!

But Ochiai had told him to ice it, and Eijun needed to be good and do as he was told.

Before he knew it, he was pressing the palm of his hand over an eye, over his forehead. He saw the blue of the icing pack, the dirt and the catchers’ shoes. Tried to focus on where he was. Not on his body, not on his mind, not of the past.

He wanted the icepack off. He wanted to be good and keep it on. He wanted to be alone. He wanted… something. No, he wasn’t supposed to want. Just follow commands. Don’t be greedy, don’t be dramatic, be glad for what he got.

“Sawamura senpai?”

The world fell away.

Eijun had his eyes closed, breathing slowing down, the scene tamer than he was used to. He knew it wasn’t over; knew he should enjoy it while it lasted. Hayasaka was touching his bare chest, stroking over his nipples, making Eijun grunt. Didn’t know if he liked the sensation or if it was only dread he felt.

‘Be still, don’t peek’ Eijun didn’t move when Hayasakas finger left his chest, only listened.

The floor was cold under his knees, his legs bare for the icy room.

He flinched when fingers moved around his throat, and Hayasaka clicked his tongue. ‘Don’t be bad, I hate it when you don’t listen’ the last part he grumbled into Eijuns ear and he fought not to coil, it wasn’t hard, the command strong. But he couldn’t hide the shiver going through him.

Then something other than fingers stroked his throat, tightened, snagged.

‘R-red!’ he shouted, scrambled, eyes fling open. But that heaviness around his throat stayed and he placed a shaking finger on the leather.

A collar.

Eijun felt cold for a whole other reason, feeling like he was about to throw up.  

‘Oh come on Sawamura, you wanted it, all subs do! You should be happy I gave you a collar at all. It will make you feel better’ his teammate Hayasaka said, now his dom, while Eijun clutched the very heavy collar round his throat, panic and disbelief at war inside him. His mothers voice ringing in his head, over and over. A collar is only put on after a submissives consent, a submissives choice, a beautiful thing.

So how wrong could this be, really?

But he hadn’t consented, had he?

‘I don’t want this!’ he shouted, fumbling for the clasp at his neck, only to feel his fingers tremble and his mind go numb with sorrow at the thought of removing it. Too many feelings and thoughts at ones, a whirlwind in his head, body, soul. He couldn’t tangle them out, couldn’t grasp any. His body paralyzed with it all. His lungs heaving, his heart pounding. Fingertips like pins and needles.

‘You do, thought, you just won’t admit it. I knew by the way you looked at me’ he laughed, coming closer, and Eijun had wanted to bolt, but his body had turned towards the dominants direction again in compliance. Open and giving. Ready to be loved.

Fingers - rough, dry and cold - tangling into his hair at the back of his neck. Eijun had felt his strength leaving him, couldn’t make himself do anything. A huge part of him felt happy for being wanted like this, for belonging to someone. Being safe and cared for.

It terrified him. Because he hadn’t wanted this, he was sure he hadn’t consented to this.

But his dom told him he had, why would he lie? He’d gone out of his way to get a collar, probably a collar he knew Eijun had wanted, deep down. Because a dom was supposed to know what his submissive needed, right?

‘Too bad you’re not my type, but I’ll help you, because I care’ Hayasaka said and tugged at the fastened collar with a nasty sort of hunger. Then he’d laughed at whatever had shown on Eijuns face. ‘I’ll train you to suit me, you’ll like that, right? Be a good boy’.

Hayasaka had leaned in and kissed him. Eijun could barely remember everything. A command to open his mouth. Ha sneer for using his safeword for something so silly as a collar, when Eijun was so happy to serve now.

“Koushuu, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in the bullpen?” Eijun blinked back to the dugout, feeling disoriented and cold.

Colder. Like he wasn’t in his own body, soul escaping somewhere outside himself.

Heart pounding in his ears, a headache rushing in. Sick to his stomach. Ants in his brain. A clump in his throat.

He registered he had his fingers stroking over his Adam’s apple and dropped his hand. The ghost of the collar lingering, heavy as a chain.

He wasn’t alone, people were watching. He couldn’t reveal himself like this.

“Yeah, I’m going” Eijun jumped at the voice that was too close for comfort.

He flicked his eyes over to the spot right beside him, where Okumura had just been sitting, he realized, because Okumura was standing up. The first-year catcher was moving around him, right in front and then over to Seto, like he didn’t care how close he was to Eijuns personal space. A space Eijun hadn’t cared about that much before, until everything went downhill, and now it was one of the most important things to him.

And Okumura had invaded it, like it was nothing strange. And Eijun hadn’t flinched back, hadn’t had the time to think or react. But his heart was threatening to climb up his throat, by the speed it had taken on in his chest.

Okumura had only gone past him. No words flung at him, no hand in his hair dragging him closer.

That wasn’t normal.

Seto had been the one speaking, he realized.

He was more shocked that he’d let someone get so close while he was lost in his horrors. Scared he’d allowed someone so close, and shocked that Okumura hadn’t tried to snap him out of whatever had been going on.

No, Eijun knew he would’ve reacted badly if Okumura had tried, and he would have hated to try and explain himself.

“Senpai” Eijun looked up at Okumura. Not eye contact, he couldn’t make himself, but chest level he could manage. Showed he was listening, at least. “Don’t have the icepack on for too long, it’s not good for you” and then Okumura went past the corner and disappeared, leaving him with Seto, alone in the dugout.

Eijun touched his shoulder, the one covered in the icepack, and felt how it had been adjusted. Someone, probably Okumrua, had adjusted it for him without him noticing. It was still over his shirt, but fastened in a way that he could feel the soothing cold seep in at the most important points.

He’d been so lost in memories he hadn’t noticed someone touching him.

Cold sweat was breaking out across his skin. The memories too close for comfort. The knowledge that anything could have happened while he was seeing ghosts.

“That Koushuu… are you alright, senpai?” Eijun flicked his eyes up to Seto, didn’t meet his gaze, looking just past his head.

He wasn’t alright, his whole body felt numb and light in a terrible way.

“Yeah, I’m good” he said, and wondered how long was too long to ice his shoulder. Seto didn’t say anything for a moment, then smiled and shrugged.

“’Kay, I’ll go back to practicing then. See you later, senpai!” and then he was running over to a group of other first-years. He had no idea who were first-, second- or third-years, but he kind of remembers some of the people who’d presented themselves the day before, and those had been first-years.

Eijun leaned back against the wall and stared up at the ceiling of the dugout.

He wanted to get back to his room and lock himself inside, but he seriously thought he’d missed the window of being able to walk without being weak in the knees. He gingerly touched the icing and thought back to how Okumura had adjusted it while Eijun was zoned out.

There where memories in the edges of his mind, trying to crawl close, but for some reason they left him alone.

He stroked his neck, wondered how long it would take for the bruises to fade. It didn’t hurt at the touch anymore, but he still knew it was there and that was enough. Didn’t want to think back to a couple of days ago when he’d been-, no.

Eijun shook his head, like he could shake away the memories and watched the others practice, some coming close to the dugout but never inside. But every time they came towards him, he would stiffen and look away.

No one tried to talk to him, only drank from their bottles, goofed with each other and went out again to keep on training.

And Eijun stayed, because he felt weak, and he needed a minute to gather himself.

---

Eijun hadn’t been able to leave the field, or the dugout, until much later.

No one had bothered him. He’d been able to remove the icepack after a while, and had taken some sips of water. Hadn’t noticed when practice ended, when other players started to leave. The coach hadn’t rounded them up to wrap the practice up, maybe because they were to many and it hadn’t been anything special with today’s practice.

So by the time he felt ready to leave, there weren’t many left, and he hadn’t noticed how tense he’d been until he looked up and out over the field and concluded that he was, indeed, alone.

When he left the dugout he could see some club members coming out from one of the supply sheds, rakes in hand and empty baskets. They were chatting, laughing, some girls walking with them. Probably managers.

He watched them for a beat as they started to gather the stray baseballs and rake the field, then he left.

He didn’t run in to anyone on the way back, and it was just as he entered the dorm area that he realized he had no idea when the food was served, or if people continued practicing now. Or when it was most crowded in the baths.

He could go for the wending machine again, and maybe go to the baths after midnight.

Did he need to shower?

Eijun looked down at himself, smelled his armpit and frowned.

Yeah, he would need a shower and a bath.

“Ah, there you are, Sawamura” this voice didn’t startle him, it rather calmed him at this point. Eijun looked over at Ochiai walking over. But he tensed as he saw that Ochiai wasn’t alone.

Miyuki was trailing right behind him, and another guy with soft brown hair and kind warm eyes.

Eijun didn’t trust this.

“Hello, Ochiai-san” he said with a nod and a glance at Miyuki.

“Were did you go after pitching practice?” Ochiai asked when he was close enough, but not in Eijuns space.

“I stayed in one of the dugouts to ice my shoulder…” Ochiai hummed at that, then shrugged. Eijun had no idea what the man wanted, or if that had been a good enough answer.

“Anyway, I would like you to sit down with Captain Miyuki and Watanabe. It would be good for them to know what kind of pitches you throw.” Eijun blinked, felt dread pool in the pit of his stomach. Ochiai blinked, sighed and leaned his head back, like Eijun was giving him a headache. “Watanabe Hisashi here is a good analyst and observer, he will stay and listen, too”.

Miyuki and Watanabe blinked, looked at each other in confusion.

But Eijun understood why Ochiai had been overly clear with this information.

That still didn’t calm him, one bit.

“I’m sorry, I should introduce myself. I’m Watanabe Hisashi, third-year, baseball manager. You can call me Nabe. It’s nice to meet you” his voice was soft and kind. Eijun gingerly shook Nabes right hand with his own. Quick, then let go.

“I’m Sawamura Eijun, second year.” He introduced, giving a tiny nod. He should be polite, right?

‘You’re so bad at being polite. Next time I’ll force you to eat natto’ Hayasak’s voice whispered in his ear with an annoyed tone.

Eijun shuddered and stroked over his chest to ease the anxiety making his heart thunder.

“Well then, I’ll see you tomorrow” Ochiai said and walked away. Eijun stared after him, wondered if he should run after him and demand answers.

“Alright, what about we gather in my room now before dinner?” Miyuki asked, pointing with a thumb over his shoulder with an easy grin.

Nabe nodded, showing a notebook to the catcher.

“I’m already set. Ready to go, Sawamura-kun?”

No, he most certainly was not.

“I, uhm- I haven’t bathed and are still in training uniform-“

“Go get changed, you can take a bath after dinner” Miyuki said with a wave of his hand, then frowned and hummed. “Actually, why don’t we tag along to your room so you can get changed. It’s much easier to show you where my room is rather than tell you directions.”

“Oh, that’s unusually kind of you” Nabe pointed out and Miyuki gave him a frown.

“Oy” Nabe laughed a little and looked back at Eijun with a small smile.

“Shall we go?”

What more could Eijun do then nod.

Notes:

This fanfic has a playlist, I'm adding songs as I go thought:
Numb

Chapter 7

Notes:

Hello~ I did mention it wouldn't be as long a wait this time around, and I hope that I don't need to go a month apart again for this fic.
Also, thank you to so many who's given Numb a chance, and enjoy it.

Anyway, I can feel my creativity returning, and I have like, two more stories for this fandom I want to write. One is on the shorter side, maybe 3 chapters. The other could be big so I have to wait a bit before starting that one ^^; But I feel so motivated by seeing so many of you enjoying what I write, so THANK YOU!

Okay, enjoy this next chapter!

Eijun slammed the door to his dorm room in Miyukis face.

He’d been the one following Eijun the closest up the stairs, right behind him, and it had raised Eijuns hackles all the way up. He always felt nervous nowadays when people walked behind him, didn’t matter if he knew them or not.

He heard Miyuki grumble behind the closed door and Nabe saying something in return, but Eijun couldn’t discern the words. He’d been panicked at the thought of Miyuki, and Nabe, following him inside. And Ochiai had quite literally thrown Eijun into the lion’s den. Or was about to, right after this, he didn’t need to bring the lions into his, for now, safe space.

Eijun scrambled to lock the door, had forgotten, didn’t know if it would help to keep the others out.  Miyuki and Nabe went quiet on the other side. And then Eijun just stood there in utter processing panic, staring at the door, head spinning.

What should he do? What did he need to do? Clothes. Medicine. Where should he put his used training clothes? Should he bring a notebook too? No, should he take two anxiety medication or would one pill do?

Screw it.

He took a pill of suppressants, one for his anxiety, one for his headache and swallowed it down with a big gulp of water.

Clothes, right, he needed to change, couldn’t let them wait too long. Having someone waiting was bad manners.

There was a knock at his door, freezing Eijun to the spot, heart hammering.

“Oy, you don’t need to rush” Miyuki said through the door. Eijun tried to process the words, didn’t trust them. Hayasaka would tell him not to rush and then punish him for being slow anyway. It never mattered how fast he was to get things done; he always did something wrong. So Eijun felt more stressed now, and he couldn’t lie and say he wasn’t feeling well and they could do this another time, not now. That would be too obvious.

Couldn’t think of any way to get out of the situation.

He threw his shirts over the back of the chair, and then his pants and kicked off his shoes at the same time.

Could he wear the same shirt he had yesterday?

Yes, it should be okay.

He dragged out said shirt, sniffed it to make sure before putting it on, adjusted the turtleneck and then looked through his drawer for a pair of sweatpants. He tried to pull them on at the same time as he moved toward the door.

He unlocked the door, opened it and stepped into his sandals at the same time.

“Okay, done” he said in a rush and looked up at Miyuki and Nabe, who stared at him with raised eyebrows. Eijun froze, straightened and threw one hand up towards his neck. Was the bruise visible? No, the neckline was high enough to hide them, he was sure.

“…Alright” Miyuki said with a glance at Nabe, then looked back at Eijun with a grin. Eijun shuddered at the sight. Couldn’t read him. “Let’s go then” he said, pointing over his shoulder with his thump.

Eijun picked up his phone before they left, and locked the door behind him. This time he made sure to walk behind the third-years.

His heart was pounding so hard he thought he would throw up.

Eijun felt when he started to zone out, felt when his body just went on autopilot. Had started to get used to the feeling after too many times of following commands he hated. Usually it happened when his former dom, or some friend of his, started to drag Eijun places.

He had no idea why it happened, not really, didn’t know how to do it when he wanted.

But soon enough he was walking up another set of stairs and stopped just a few steps behind Nabe. Hadn’t even been present for most of the walk over.

The fear that hit him was knee weakening.

Miyuki was saying something, holding the door open and stepping inside. Nabe answered, tone light, but Eijun could only stare at the opened doorway in a small panic.

It was just a dorm room, just as his. He would not be there alone with one of them, which didn’t help much. But he could leave whenever he wanted. They didn’t know he was a submissive so they couldn’t use that against him. If they didn’t choose to try commands for ‘fun’. He’d met those kinds of people too.

Ochiai had wanted him to do this. Eijun wanted to trust in the man’s judgment.

Eijun tried to take a steadying breath. He could leave whenever he wanted. He didn’t need a reason to leave.

‘I want to give them a chance’ he thought and walked inside.

It wasn’t as small as he’d thought it would be. There were two bunkbeds in opposite ends of the room, and the room was divided by some storage furniture and desks in the middle. It looked like Miyuki, whom had sat down by a desk further in, had that part of the room to himself. Even the top bunkbed furthest in had boxes and bags on it.

It was clean, open, cozy even. Like a normal teenage room.

Nabe was sitting down on the bed furthest in, opening a notebook to an empty page and already writing.

“Can you close the door? Thanks” Miyuki said without looking over at Eijun. Eijun stepped out of his sandals and closed the door behind him, tried to breathe through the wave of nausea going through him.

There were memories trying to claw themselves up to the surface, voices and commands. Sounds and tastes. But something didn’t let them take root, didn’t let them get closer than that.

The feeling stayed however, leaving him on edge.

“Sawamura” Nabe said, patting the spot beside him on the bed. Eijun stared at it, at the hand and felt something cold rush through him.

Phantom hands pushing him into a bed, fingers around his airway, nasty words in his ear.

Eijun shook his head to shake the memories away and walked closer, sitting down on the floor a meter away instead. Like this he could easily get up and leave.

Nabe didn’t seem to mind, but Miyuki was watching him. Eijun couldn’t read the catchers face.

A dead part of him wanted to snap, joke, tease. But it was dead and gone so…

“So, let’s walk through your pitches” Nabe started, scribbling away in the notebook.

“Oh, uhm… do you have a ball?” Eijun asked. He actually didn’t know what all the different grips were called, so he just memories the different grips to numbers.

“Yeah, why?” Miyuki asked, turning around and picking up a baseball from one of his drawers.

“I haven’t learned the names of the grips, I go by numbers” he confessed, catching the ball when Miyuki tossed it towards him.

“Oh, that’s way Coach Ochiai was saying numbers?” Nabe asked, curious. Eijun nodded, going through the different grips in his head. Maybe eleven now? More?

He looked up and met Nabes eyes, and it didn’t feel bad or invasive. Nabe smiled a little, cocked his head, a silent question and nothing more. So Eijun raised his left hand with the ball in his first grip, starting by showing number one.

And so it went.

He showed his different grips, adjusted his fingers, answered what questions he could and talked about how he threw and adjusted his swing for different grips.

By number six he felt more relaxed, felt his tense shoulders lower themselves a little. When he reached the end of all the pitches he could throw, Nabe asked to go through a grip or two again. Miyuki asked if Eijun had any grips he hadn’t mastered or wanted to learn, and Eijun felt more at ease with the catcher to answer without shying away, showing some grips he’d tried but never actually mastered.

Miyuki suggested some adjustment to a grip, so it was more correct over the seams and Eijun tired to memories it. Wanted to try it out.

“Hey, can I ask what school you transferred from?” Nabe asked, closing the book, like he felt satisfied with what he’d learned and ready to call it a night.

The question left him feeling dread all the way down to his stomach, just by remembering it. But he’d told Miyuki the day before, so would it even matter if he told Nabe?

“Komadai Fujimaki High School” he said, fiddling with the baseball he’d yet to give back.

“Heeh, no way? We could have faced them if we’d made it further. Heard Hongo is quite the power pitcher, like, the best in his generation even” Nabe said, surprised. Eijun stared down at the ball in his hand, mind getting sluggish by hearing his name.

“Yeah” he whispered, trying not to think deeper on that.

“Oh right, I forgot about that” Miyuki said, leaning back in his chair, hands crossed “I would have loved to face them thought, sounds like a worthy opponent” he said, grinning, a glint in his eyes. “Wait, but I can’t remember seeing your name in their starting lineup?” Miyuki added suddenly, sitting back up.

Eijun scrunched his eyebrows together. Hadn’t he heard Miyuki say that before, too?

“Why would I be?” he asked, confused.

Yeah, a huge part of him had fought to be in first string when he’d started playing at Komadai. Remember how he’d shouted he was going to be the ace, ‘Wait and see, Hongo! I’m going to beat you!’.

Their ace had given him one look, and it had been foreboding. Enough so that Eijuns knees had been weak for a while after that.

“What do you mean? Look at all the crazy pitches you have” Miyuki said, sounding a little stunned “You’re the kind of pitcher that’s fun to form a battery with, I mean, one could really mess with another team with a pitcher like you. They would never know what hit them”.

Now Eijun looked up, met Miyukis eyes, and whatever was on his face made Miyuki freeze. Eijun had no idea what he saw, but something felt a little warm in his chest at that. If the catcher meant it, he didn’t know. And Miyuki had a huge grin on his face, and even if it didn’t look nice, it wasn’t mean and not directed at Eijun.

“What Miyuki is trying to say is, your arsenal sounds like a huge advantage to have. It’s a surprise a school like Komadai wouldn’t use that” Nabe said.

Oh, right. Someone to use.

They’d used him alright, but not in a capacity of pitcher and not in matches or even practice games.

Eijun looked away from Nabe, focused on the ball in his hand again. He didn’t know what he was feeling.

He raised his empty hand and scratched at his neck, probably the dried sweat starting to itch.

“Oh, hey, what happened to you neck?” Eijun froze in the middle of scratching and didn’t know what to do. “That looks like a-“

When had Miyuki gotten so close?

Eijun slapped his hand over the bruise, head snapping up to meet Miyukis eyes.

The light reflected off his glasses, making it impossible for Eijun to gauge the others expression. But he was standing too close, nearly leaning over him, one hand outstretched. Like he’d wanted to look. Like he’d been about to pull away his shirt collar to see clearer. Why? WHY?

“R-!” he scrambled away, up on his feet in an instant, heart in his throat. He’d nearly used a safeword. But that was silly, why would they listen to his safeword for this. Miyuki hadn’t done anything. Couldn’t know his safeword.

“Whoa, hey” Miyuki had both hands up in surrender, Nabe by his side, looking a little worried. “R? R- what?” Miyuki asked, but Eijun was trying to figure out a way to get to the door and into his sandals without turning around, and without stumbling.

“I- “ ‘need to go’, but the words wouldn’t come. Then the door opened behind him. Eijun felt his head starting to go fuzzy, his vision going gray in the edges. He turned towards the door, arms up to shove-

‘I brought some friends. You know them, right? They wanted to watch’ Eijun had stared in horror at his dom, shaken his head in a silent no. He didn’t want this. ‘Don’t be like that! Be good, they’re just going to watch. Don’t be so dramatic. They can join another time if you want’.

Eijun recognized them as the guys who’d whispered, who’d pointed at his collar. When the collar had been new around his throat and it was the gossip of the school.

Eijun slammed his back into the wall, hard, eyes on the room at large and so no one could sneak up behind.

Could he throw the ball to distract the guy walking in? So he could get out?

Before he could do such a thing, the boy that walked in he very much knew by now.

Okumura blinked at Eijun. He didn’t look surprised to see him there. He didn’t have much of an expression at all. Why was he here, thought?

Eijun stared, momentarily stunned out of his panic.

“Oh, Okumura, you’re back early. Have you met Sawamura Eijun, one of our new pitchers? Sawamura, this is Okumura Koushuu, one of my roommates” Miyuki said.

“We’ve met” Okumura answered with a frown aimed at Miyuki. Why? Then the boy turned towards Eijun “Hello, Sawamura-senpai” Okumura said with a tiny nod, then he seemed to take a closer look. Or process the situation.

Was there a situation?

And had Okumuras eyes always been so icy? He reminded Eijun of a wolf all over again.

‘Don’t look away now, that will be disrespectful. Tch, you’re so hard to train sometimes. Why are you so dumb?’ Hayasaka said with an exasperated sigh, fingers tight in Eijuns hair.

“Are you alright?” Okumura asked, snapping Eijun back to the present, and he gave a quick nod in reply. Couldn’t worry people for nothing. He was alright, he just needed to catch his breath and get out.

But Eijun felt a little calmed at having the first-year there.  

“Maybe we should call it a day here and go for dinner?” Nabe suggested, walking past Miyuki and coming closer. Eijun was not proud of the way he flinched away, even thought Nabe hadn’t come for him. But the third-year stopped anyway, that worried look still on his face.

Nabe shared a glance with Miyuki, then back to Eijun, opening his mouth to say something but another voice cut in.

“Do you want to join me, senpai?” Okumura asked.

Eijun felt too high-strung, didn’t know if he would be able to eat.  

Okumura had been sitting with him before, hadn’t said a word, just a calm presence by his side while Eijun spiraled. And yes, he’d adjusted the ice-pack without Eijuns consent, but his shoulder was fine and it didn’t seem like he’d done anything else.

“Yes” he managed. In his periphery he watched Okumura give an affirming nod, before getting something from his side of the room.

“We’ll see you later then, Sawamura” Miyuki said, walking past. Eijun didn’t raise his head, only made a quick nod and watched two sets of feet walk past him and out the door.

When he couldn’t hear them anymore, he felt his knees give out and he slid down onto the floor with a sigh, all the strength leaving him. He hugged his knees to his chest, borrowing his forehead against them.

He could hear Okumura moving around, heard a familiar click and snap from a medicine bottle, but he didn’t want to pry as to why the first-year needed medicine.

“Can you stand?” Okumura asked after a beat, and Eijun gave a nod, but didn’t try to get up anyway. He heard Okumura hum, before he heard him come closer. Wordlessly he sank down beside Eijun, mimicking his stance and just… stayed there. Not to close, maybe one set of hands apart.

Eijun knew he was there, could feel him there, but he wasn’t worried for some reason.

So he took a breath, then another, and let them out slowly.

He was okay. Nothing had happened.

He was fine.

Notes:

Ha...hahah please don't hate me for my choice of Eijuns former school TTvTT;

Chapter 8

Notes:

Hello everyone!
As you can see, I've decided to change the rating for this fic from M to E, and add the rape/non-con to be on the safe side.

I hope you're all having a good day. I've been re-watching act 2 the past two days (because the weather was shitty), and am jumping on the manga later. So I'm good! It really is a summer anime <3
Thank you all, once again, for giving this fic a chance and enjoying it so much! I have no idea how long it's gonna be, but I have an idea for where I want it to end.

Hope you'll enjoy!

When they reached the dining room (or gathering room), most of the seats were already taken. People were chatting, laughing, shouting and it was all mixed with the sounds of cutlery and clanging of pots and pans being washed. It was a bit overwhelming to say the least, he doesn’t remember it being like this the evening before. He had no idea how many players the baseball club had in total, but he was sure they had to have dinner in shifts to manage.

And he’d fled this place the other day, too overwhelmed and scared to even eat.

Okumura was a silent steadiness beside him, and only moved when Eijuns attention landed on him. They took trays of food, something to drink, and Eijun felt like a puppy as he followed Okumura like he was a lifeline, the only safety in this place.

The catcher walked to the table in the backrow, where he recognized at least Seto was sitting and eating, chatting with the tall, lanky guy he’d seen earlier.

Okumura took his place opposite Seto, so Eijun sat down beside him, by the edge of the table.

Seto paused his chat with the tall boy long enough to give a small wave and a smile, which Eijun tentatively returned. Not the smile, smiling was hard to manage without it looking forced or wrong, so he just waved a little.

He doesn’t really know how long he and Okumura sat inside the dorm room until the younger teen asked if they should head to dinner. What he does remember is that he got a long enough time to calm down, take a breath and clear his head, all the while Okumura had just been sitting there, quietly. Yes, Okumura had been fiddling with his cellphone for a minute, and Eijun had been worried, but then he’d put the phone away and leaned back against the wall.

They’d sat in silence, only Eijuns breathing being audible.

No one had come to get them, Miyuki hadn’t come back, there had been nearly no one walking by outside.

And now here they were, at dinner, with Okumura’s friend. Friends? Was it really okay for him to sit with them?

Eijun stared down at his food, feeling out of place, but he picked up his bowl of rice and started eating.

Okumura was softspoken, voice quiet, when he talked. Which wasn’t much while he ate, only if Seto asked him something. The taller boy had introduced himself, Asada Hirofumi, from his spot beside Okumura, and they had later been joined by another first year.

Eijun recognized him from earlier, too, and the first-year had introduced himself as Kuki Youhei.

No one had sat down opposite him, which he was a little glad for. Feeling his shoulders relax a little as he ate. Then he’d flicked his eyes up, as if something had pulled his attention. He’d learned to trust that feeling after all this time, and froze as soon as he did.

The short guy from earlier, he had no idea what his name was, sure he’d heard it yesterday and just let it pass him by.  He didn’t know the guy, but where he was scared of Miyuki for being a dom, he felt worried for the energy this one gave off. Too much like Hayasaka to be pleasant, now that he thought about it. Like how Hayasaka had been in the beginning.

At first, he thought the guy would sit down opposite him, or with them, but he just passed them and sat down at the other end of the table. When he glanced over he saw that some third- and second-years where sitting there, talking.

Eijun looked back towards his tray of food and tried to get back to eating.

He knew the food was good, he just had a hard time swallowing it down, or tasting it. It felt dry, or like the lump in his throat was stopping the food form going down. He tried to get it down with some water without success.

He’d felt way too rattled for something so small.

“Don’t forget, first-years, to eat all your three bowls of rice!”

Eijun snapped his eyes up and saw one of the blond guys from the night before. He stood with hands on his hips and scanning the room. Like he was on watch duty.

“It’s important to build stamina, you hear?” he shouted, looking around and snagging Eijuns eyes. The guy pointed at him and Eijun felt eyes turn to him “That includes you too, transfer student! Don’t you dare skip on dinner today!”

Kanemaru. That was the guys name, he was quite sure.

Eijun stared at him, didn’t even realize he’d met the guy’s eyes until he turned away from their table, and Eijun let his gaze fall back on his tray of food.

Three bowls? Seriously?

But something loosened in him, and he felt himself dare to relax.

He ate in silence while the others chatted around him, and if anyone tried to talk to him, he didn’t hear them. He had one mission, and it felt like ages since he was allowed to eat so well around others. No one said he ate too much, or wrong, or to share with those who actually needed the extra servings.

So he dared to ask for at least one more bowl of rice, and no one bothered him.

People started to trickle out when they were finished eating, some small groups staying to hang out. Soon enough it was him and the first-years left at the table, where Seto and Eijun were the ones who’d been able to finish their bowls of servings.

Okumura and Asada seemed to struggle to finish, Kuki not doing that much better, and Eijun struggled with letting go of Okumura’s safety to just leave. He shouldn’t feel so strongly for someone he barely even knew, but it was hard when his submissive side threw out hooks to anything for survival.

And, unfortunately for both him and Okumura, his submissive side had decided Okumura was someone he felt safe with. Which felt wrong, nothing about Okumura pinged dominant for him. Maybe that’s why?

It hadn’t even been two days, they’d maybe known each other for 24 hours, if even that.

He lifted his head to look around while waiting, trying not to think about how much his sub-side craved protection, enough to cling to anyone. There weren’t many people left now, even the kitchen was dark and the food had been cleared away. The clock on the wall read closer to nine. There weren’t any paintings on the walls, but photos of Seidou teams throughout the years, diplomas, newspaper clippings and scoreboards.

Some bookshelves filled with books, but he didn’t know what kind of books.

“Senpai, I can help catch your pitches anytime” Eijun felt something crawl down his spine as he turned his head to the side.

The short guy. He hadn’t even noticed him getting up, or moving so close to him. He was standing by Eijun, smile on his face, hip nearly touching the end of the table.

That smile didn’t feel genuine. Or it felt calculated.

But what would he know, he barely trusted anyone or anything anymore.

“I heard from Miyuki-senpai that you have some really interesting pitches and a unique form. I’m here whenever you feel like pitching, I’ll gladly help!” He said with a hint of excitement in his voice, and Eijun didn’t realize he’d leaned away from the first-year until he touched Okumuras shoulder.

He straightened up, turned to Okumura in a panic, hands up in placation, only to meet an unbothered stare.

“S-sorry, didn’t mean to, uhm-“ Okumura didn’t answer, or give him a hint that he was angry or anything else, so Eijun turned back to the shorter one. “Thanks, I- I’ll think about it” he got up from the table and stepping past the first-year with his tray. He was halfway through the room before he realized he’d just fled. Without saying anything.

He turned back, met Okumuras eyes, got a flicker of surprise in return.

“Thanks, for, uhm, today!” he said, moving to put away his empty tray and leave.

No one stopped him, though the shorter catcher looked a little put out when he glanced that way, but Eijun didn’t want to think too deeply into that either.

He tried not to think about the quietness that entered around the room when he left.

---

It was maybe 10 o’clock in the evening when he decided to give the baths a try.

He hadn’t bathed the day before, which maybe he should have done, and today he really needed to. Maybe he hadn’t trained that hard, but he’d still warmed up and practice on a dusty field, he’d sweated and he could feel it sticking to his skin.

If there were people there, he could just wait until they left and get in a quick shower at least, he didn’t need to bathe to get clean.

Maybe he should wait until even later. But then, he didn’t know when they drained the baths (not that he would take a bath, that was tempting fate), or if they closed and locked them for the night, or if there were certain hours to use the facility to begin with.

He’d never had a problem with shared baths before, but after all the shit he’d gone through while trying to use the baths in his old school… It felt like a minefield.

On top of that, he had bruises. He didn’t want people to ask, to see, to make assumptions of him. To figure out his nature by one look. It wasn’t just his neck, after all.

Eijun shuddered while he quietly gathered his things. ‘Don’t think about it, you’re healing, you’re fine’

There had been a small bucked for him to carry his hygiene articles in, and his mom had made sure he had what he needed to survive dorm life. There was shampoo, soap, conditioner and a loofah. He wasn’t so sure he would need the loofah, but he placed it in the bucket anyway.

He picked up two towels from his bag, too, and left the room, leaving his phone on the nightstand and locking the door.

People were milling around, some laughing and joking, while he walked past. It was just murmur to him, and he was glad that no one really seemed to care much for him. He passed an opened door to a practice area and watched as Furuya pitched to a catcher. He couldn’t remember the catchers name, but he called out “Nice pitch!” and threw the ball back.

Furuya seemed to glow to the praise, catching the ball as if on auto pilot.

He was so different from Hongo, he’d thought all aces were the same. Or maybe this was Furuya off the field, and he was totally different in a game.

Eijun decided to keep walking. If so many people were milling about and seemed dressed more in casual, maybe that meant he had a higher chance of being left alone in the baths.

He didn’t have that luck.

When he reached the baths he could hear people inside, but it sounded more like they were in the changing room part of the place. Eijun decided to wait by the wall outside, trying to look relaxed and not like memories were playing in the back of his mind.

He didn’t need to wait long until a group of guys came out, laughing, snickering, talking about who would make the first-string this time around. Eijun just gave a quick nod to them while entering the place after them.

The steam from the baths were thick. Not too hot, but still humid enough he wanted to get out of his clothes. And he couldn’t see anyone else using the baths at the moment. No other shoes by the entrance and no clothes in any of the storage shelfs by the walls.

Eijun made quick work of his clothes, folding them neatly on one of the shelfs, then entered the shower and bath area, bucket under one hand and towel around this waist.

Worst case scenario he threw the towel around his neck and fled, he could blame the big ugly bruise on his left flank on falling or something.

There were some showerheads right in front of him along the wall, the baths straight ahead, but just around the corner of the doorway there were some more showerheads with pallets leaning against the wall. If he took the one further in, no one would see his flank if they came in, and he could just take his time.

No one had any purpose to come to his left side if he took the place furthest inside.

It would be harder to flee, but he could maybe wait them out… or just book it.

The water was hot over his head, soothing his stiff muscles and he took a calming breath, dripping over his shoulders and down his back. He shivered as sat under the spray, dragging fingers through his hair and over his neck, collarbones and stopping at his chest.

His heart was pounding in his ears and he felt on edge. Eijun knew he should do this quickly and not tempt fate with enjoying this shower, but he couldn’t really help it.

He was in the middle of shampooing his hair when he heard laughter, and not through the cracked window over the baths, but from the changing room. He stared down at the tiles, frozen, panicking. He couldn’t go out with shampoo in his hair, and he hadn’t used his soap yet.

They hadn’t walked in yet, they were probably changing, he could get clean really quick and walk out as they sat down to shower before the baths.

Then the shampoo decided to betray him too, by getting in his eyes and he grunted as it burned. He scrunched his eyes shut and tried to find the handle for the water, finding the wall, the pipe- water suddenly washed over him. He hadn’t done that.

“There we go, looks like that hurts” A voice said, sounding light and cheery. Eijun flung his right arm out on instinct and made contact with a toned stomach, and the same guy-voice grunting by the impact.

Eijun had hit him. He’d hit someone. Not hard, not enough to actually hurt. He hadn’t meant too, he’d just wanted to get the guy away from him, images flashing, breath coming shorter and shorter.

“Oy, oy, calm down” the guy said, and Eijun tried to blink back into the room, eyes still stinging from the shampoo, water getting in his eyes. His heart was fucking trying to leave his chest, and someone had told him to- ‘Calm down, you’re being dramatic. You’ve done this before’ Hayasaka said with a disappointed sigh, tapping the tip of his member against Eijuns cheek. Preecome smearing, fingers a cruel hold in his hair and rough bathroom tiles under his knees. ‘Now, open up’

“Sawamura!” Eijun snapped back, breathing ragged, one of his hands clutching a wrist, the other over his own mouth.

He needed to get out.

“Wait, try to breathe” Eijun hadn’t even registered he’d tried to get up, until a hand softly helped him down on the pallet again. He wouldn’t be allowed to leave until he listened, would he?

He shut his eyes and leaned forward, trying to breathe through the water coming down. He felt lightheaded, world spinning, only the hand on his shoulder and the pallet under him keeping him upright.

“That’s it, you’re alright” the guy said “good boy”.

A ripple went through Eijun, a whimper thorough his throat, eyes stinging for a whole other reason. The praise genuine. Grounding. Like a breath of fresh air after months underground.

“I knew it” the voice said, dragging the other pallet closer and sitting down beside him. Eijun felt that warm hand shifting from his shoulder to the back of his neck, stroking a little in reassurance before stopping between his shoulder blades.

Eijun didn’t know what the guy knew, didn’t know if he had the energy to care right now.

“Oy, Miyuki, don’t scare him!” someone shouted from the other end of the room, and Eijun flinched, tensing. Miyuki was here? Was the guy-

“Shut up, I’m not!” Miyuki fired back, right from Eijuns side, hand still between his shoulder blades.

Eijun shifted and looked to the side, confirming that it was, indeed, Miyuki sitting there.

Miyuki seemed to realize he was being stared at, because he met Eijuns eyes, eyebrows raised in question. But he must have seen something, probably the rising terror going through Eijuns whole body, making him dizzy, because he made a face.

“Sorry, I think this is an emergency” he mumbled and Eijun had no idea what he meant, until –“Take a slow, deep breath, that’s it” he said softly when Eijuns body followed the command like a drowning man. “Good boy, you’re doing so good. Let it out slowly.” Praise woven with command. No sneer, no passive aggressive remark. No shame. “Were you done with the shower?” Eijun started to nod, wanted to get away and melt at the same time, feeling sick of his body. Hating his nature at that moment. “Be honest” Miyuki added as Eijun started to nod, and at the command Eijun shook his head.

“Soap” he said, voice thick, eyes still burning but not from the shampoo. He was about to cry. And his stomach was churning like he was going to throw up.

“Do that, and I’ll keep my eyes open. Alright?” he said, grinning.

Eijun didn’t understand. When would the shoe drop? When would he call the others over. Miyuki clearly knew Eijun was a sub, had used that knowledge to command him, could keep doing that.

But Miyuki shifted on his own pallet and started the shower right beside Eijun, while other players seemed done and getting in the baths. Eijun kept glancing at Miyuki, waiting for him to strike, but nothing happened. So he soaped his hands and started to clean his body, everywhere he could reach.

No one came to bother them, but some called out to Miyuki, talked with him. But left Eijun alone.

He rinsed the soap off and turned the water off.

“Done?” Miyuki asked, and Eijun nodded stiffly. “Baths?” Eijun shook his head and Miyuki was quiet for a moment, and Eijun started to get up. “Okay, I’ll follow you out” Miyuki said, cheer in his voice.

Eijun froze when Miyuki slung and arm around his neck, leaning in. Eijun shook, eyes wide, knees going weak. He was going to throw up right there, at their feet.

“They’ll see the bruising round your neck” Miyuki whispered into Eijuns ear, and Eijun placed a hand over his throat. He’d forgotten about the bruises. Had been to scared and distracted by other things to pay attention of it. What would he think? What would he tell the others?

“I’ll help Sawamura out, he’s dizzy!” Miyuki shouted over his shoulder as he helped guide Eijun out and into the changing area. Someone shouted that pigs would soon be flying, if Miyuki was being nice like this.

No one where in the changing area, but Miyuki still didn’t let go until Eijun, with shaking hands, reached for his second towel. Miyuki took one carful step back as Eijun placed the towel over his head, drying his hair and effectively hiding the bruises.

Eijun met Miyukis eyes, feeling like he’d gone through enough for one day to care anymore.

He felt numb of it all.

“That’s from a collar, isn’t it?” Miyuki asked, pointing to his own neck to indicate Eijuns bruises. Eijun leaned his forehead on the shelf his clothes were on and bit his lip. Nodded, once. Miyuki was a quiet presence beside him, not of calm like Okumura had been, but seeming to vibrate with something.

“Who-?” he asked and Eijun flinched, stepping away, mouthing his safeword without uttering it “R. Red? That’s what you were saying before? Red?” Miyuki asked, dragging a hand through his wet hair. Eijun tried not to think about the guy being naked, except for a towel around his waist, beside him. “Shit, that’s a safeword. I’m sorry.”

Eijun stared at his clothes, then looked over at Miyuki, dumbfounded. A dom had apologized to him.

Miyuki met his stare, looking a little sheepish. “Can we talk later?” he asked and Eijun felt himself nod, a soft little thing.

He didn’t hear what Miyuki said after that, only that his mouth was moving before he re-entered the baths, leaving Eijun standing with a whirlwind of emotions in his body and mind spinning.

Notes:

I'm also over on TikTok, Insta and blsk with my art (and some misawa fanart from HmB). Username Mottios.

Until next time!

Comments feed my soul, and give me energy to keep writing ;)

Love you all, take care!

Chapter 9

Notes:

Hello!
Feels like I'm indulging some of you whom are reading both my stories, getting updates on both on the same day like this. But I've had a nice weekend, celebrating my birthday (12th) and writing these chapters.
I hope you all are having a good time, and that you're taking care of yourselves while reading this fic. I know it touches some heavy topics.

Let's see how Eijun can balance Miyuki, shall we?

There was knock at his door, and Eijun didn’t move or make a sound, eyes boring holes into the top of his desk. Hands clenching and unclenching on his lap.

The dampness of the towel around his neck had seeped into his shirt, and he didn’t care that it left him a little cold.

He barely had any memory of getting back to his room, only that he’d rushed to get dressed and hadn’t even cared to dry his hair off properly.

Eijun was quite sure he knew who it was on the other side of the door, had given his consent for Miyuki to have a chat. Had still hoped Miyuki had meant at a later date, or that it was something one just said and it would never actually happen.

Was this when that other shoe would drop? Did he need to be ready for a scene? Hayasaka hated when he was too dressed, or if there were wrinkles in his shirt. Sometimes his hair wasn’t messy enough, or not straight enough. Always something not right with Eijun. Always a disappointment. Always too dumb to train.

The knock came again, then a beat of silence.

“Are you in there, Sawamura? Can you open the door?” Miyuki asked, and he considered to ignore it. But if something was going to happen, it might as well happen now, so he knew what he’d gotten himself into.

Aaah, but he didn’t want to call his mom and tell her this school wasn’t good either. To go through the process of looking for another school again.

He hadn’t even been here two nights yet, hadn’t been at school yet, to class, had no idea how that would be like. If it would be like his former school or actually okay.

Eijun got up, unlocked the door and opened it slowly. He felt something inside himself hide away. He turned the key in the lock to his feelings and stepped to the side, opening the door more for Miyuki.

He didn’t raise his eyes to meet Miyuki, but he could see the others shoed feet, and how they seemed to hesitate at the threshold.

“Sawam-“ Eijun flinched, opened the door more and waited. Miyuki didn’t say a word, but stepped inside, and Eijun felt something crawl up his spine and grab hold at the back of his neck. Just a feeling, no one was behind him after all. But a tiny voice taunted him ‘Ah, look at that, he’s just like the rest of them. Want’s you on your knees. Begging and crying’.

Eijun closed the door when Miyuki was inside, and he’d removed his shoes. Shoes that were clean and placed neatly to the side.

Eijun didn’t know what to do now, and he tried not to twitch. Or rather, he knew what he should do, what Hayasaka had taught him to do, but Eijun couldn’t bring himself to move.

‘I should just kneel, just-’ he stared at his feet, tried to will his legs to buckle ‘kneel’.

Eijun felt too nervous and scared to move.

He’d gotten the habit to wring his fingers around Hayasaka when he was nervous, but Hayasaka had hated that, so Eijun had stopped. Then he’d started to wring his shirt, and Hayasaka hated that as well, so Eijun stopped. Then Eijun had started to pick at his cuticle until it bled, but Enjou had seen the mess Eijun had made of his nails and told him to take care of his fingers. “Those are a pitchers’ fingers, you should take care of them”. And so Eijun had stopped doing that too.

So now he stood and waited for Miyuki to do something, anything, all the while chewing the inside of his bottom lip until he tasted blood. He knew he didn’t have a dom anymore, so he knew that, logically, he could try and say no. Put down boundaries.

But what if Miyuki ignored them? Or didn’t care at all that Eijun wanted limits? But why should Eijun even bother, if Miyuki wanted to do something or say anything to him, Eijun just needed to take it and deal with it.

Eijun could hear Miyuki moving around a little, probably looking around the tiny room. Compared to what Eijun had seen of Miyukis dorm room, this was like a closet, and he should be glad there was even a lock to the door.

“Shit” Eijun flinched, hands going up, as if to protect himself. He’d let his thoughts wander too much and missed Miyuki coming a little closer again “I should have brought Nabe or Kominato, they’re better at this… you’re…” oh, Eijun thought, trying to shut down the fear rising up his body. Better at what? Did Miyuki want people to watch? To join in?

He couldn’t get himself to move. Hayasaka would have forced him down on his knees by now, but Miyuki was just standing there, in the middle of Eijuns dorm room, and Eijun had no idea what kind of face Miyuki was making. What he was thinking.

He wanted to think Miyuki was good, or at least okay. He’d helped hide Eijuns bruises in the bath, after all, and hadn’t taken things further. But what if he was playing the long game?

“Alright, let’s talk outside. Do you want someone to come with? I can clearly see you’re scared of being alone with me” Eijun’s thoughts screeched to a halt. Pale eyes flashing in his mind, soft blond hair.

“Okumura” he whispered without thinking too much into it.

Miyuki was quiet for a beat. Long enough Eijun wanted to look up and see what kind of face he was making. But he couldn’t bring himself to.

“Seriously? When did- never mind, I’ll get him. Meet us by the dorm entrance. Five minutes” the third-year said, stepping into his shoes again and opening the door on his own. Eijun stared at the floor for a minute, shocked at what had just happened. Which was nothing.

He looked up as the door closed behind the captain with a soft click.

Miyuki hadn’t sounded mad, or disappointed. He hadn’t used commands, hadn’t ignored Eijun. Had listened even if Eijun hadn’t said anything more than Okumura’s name.

Miyuki had done nothing. He’d seen Eijun be uncomfortable and scared, and had decided to take a step back.

Oh, right, if he didn’t get to the entrance, maybe he would be back at Eijuns dorm, with Okumura. He didn’t want that, didn’t want two people in his room. This was supposed to be his safe space.

He stepped into his shoes, pulled a hoodie over his polo shirt, and made sure to have his phone with him this time around. Yesterday he’d seen laundry hanging over railings, so he hung his bigger towel just outside his door, before locking up after himself.

People were still milling about, chatting and laughing. The air light.

He looked around, quite sure he knew where the entrance to the dorm area were, walking over and stopping under the arc. To the side he could se about ten people swinging their bats. He could give this team that, they sure were dedicated to this club, and baseball.

“Sawamura” someone called behind him, and he jumped at the suddenness off it. Miyuki was coming over, hand in the air, like Eijun wouldn’t see him if he didn’t wave.

Behind the dom was Okumura, and he looked grumpy. Okumura was changed from uniform and into a soft pair of pants and a white hoodie. He looked soft, somehow.

“I swear, what did I ever do to you?” Miyuki asked over his shoulder at the first-year, sounding put out, when they both reached Eijun. Eijun swore he heard Okumura growl, eyes flashing in discontent at the back of Miyukis head. “Come now, you didn’t seem to mind when I told you who we were meeting” Miyuki waved a hand, like he couldn’t believe what he had to put up with.

“Thanks” Eijun said under his breath, not knowing if it was aimed for Miyuki, or Okumura. Or both. Miyuki could just as well have ignored Eijun’s wish and met him alone, or stayed in Eijun’s dorm.

“Well, it’s our duty as catchers to make sure our pitchers are fine” Miyuki said, grinning and walking past, pointing in a direction “There’s some stairs over that way, no one will disturb us there”.

Eijun watched him walk ahead, studying his back. Had no idea what do think or feel.

“Are you alright, senpai?” Eijun flinched a little, glancing at Okumura who’d stepped up right beside him. So close, so silent. Really testing all of Eijun’s senses, this one.

“I- I don’t know” he answered honestly, shifting his eyes back to Miyukis retreating form.

He took a breath before following after the third-year, the sound of Okumura following right behind him.

They didn’t walk for very long, but enough that Eijun knew no one would disturb them even if they saw the three of them on those stairs. And the dorm was still visible.

Miyuki walked down a couple of steps before sitting down, a forested area spreading out before them, and an open park area along the water a little further away.

It was beautiful and calm, stars twinkling if you squinted. Not like in more rural areas or smaller cities. They couldn’t hear the swinging of the bats anymore, but when Eijun took the top step and sat down, he still saw the roofs of the dorm buildings. Okumura seemed to hesitate, before sitting down on the steps right below Eijuns.

Miyuki turned on his step so he could see both Eijun and Okumura, smirking a little. But it wasn’t a mean one. Eijun realized that, like this, even if he looked down, he wouldn’t be able to look away from Miyuki, he was literally right in the center of Eijuns gaze like this.

“Alright. How much are you okay with Okumura knowing?” Miyuki asked and Eijun blinked, processing.

“Knowing?” he asked, furrowing his brows.

Miyuki raised one eyebrow, then dragged a hand through his hair before doing a vague gesture towards his own neck.

Oh. OH. Miyuki meant… Eijun slumped and dragged a hand over the back of his neck. He supposed he didn’t mind anymore; he trusted Okumura for some reason. Or more like, felt safe with him.  

“What?” Okumura asked. Eijun lifted his eyes to the other catcher, and saw Okumuras gaze flick from Eijuns eyes to his neck “I’ve already seen them, the bruises”.

Eijun stared, shocked. Then he hastily scooted away from Okumura, feeling something like betrayal splitting him wide open.

He could hear Miyukis voice, but not the words, and Okumura seemed a little taken aback by the reaction. He seemed to answer Miyuki, because he glanced his way, but Eijun couldn’t hear the words over the roaring in his ears.

Okumura had been sitting so close to him before, when Eijun had iced his shoulder after practice. Had adjusted it while Eijun had been zooning out and vulnerable. He hated feeling like that, but he’d thought nothing more had happened. Had Okumura seen then? Had he pulled at his collar? What more had he done?

Okumura looks back at Eijun, one hand raised, like he could stop him from moving away even more, mouth opening.

“W-wh-“ Eijun stammered, breathing shuddering out. ‘When’ Okumura closes his mouth.

“You’re alright” Miyuki say, voice sure “You’re safe”. Not commands. Just reassurance.

Eijun looks over at the older dom, wondering how he could be so sure, he couldn’t have known Okumura more than Eijun himself did. How would he know?

“I saw them just a little, right before dinner, in our room. I didn’t want to ask, seemed like something you didn’t want to talk about. They peaked out from the back of your shirt.” Okumura said, like he knew what Eijun had thought back too, and what he’d wanted to ask.

Eijun looked over at him, searched his eyes, tried to find out if it was true. His insides still hurt, like a tiny clustered of bombs had hone off in his chest and gut.

“I wouldn’t lie about this, senpai” Okumura said, sounding just a little frustrated.

“Alright, so you know Sawamura has bruises around his neck.” Okumura looked a little confused, then stilled. No, he’d probably not known the bruises went all round Eijuns neck, then. Now he did, and the knowledge seemed to give him some sort of feeling. Or feelings.

Eijun looked over at Miyuki again, feeling strangely at ease.

No, he wasn’t okay. He felt nervous about what Miyuki wanted to talk about. He still felt rattled. Bruised inside and out.

But honestly, this whole day had been a rollercoaster-ride of emotions, feelings and memories and he was just, done. He was tired. He wanted to get this day behind him.

And for some reason he didn’t think Miyuki would do anything to him, not now anyway. Anyone could jog past, Okumura was there. If Miyuki had wanted to do something, he wouldn’t have dragged Eijun outside and let Eijun choose someone to tag along.

“Yeah, it’s okay” Eijun said, answering Miyukis earlier question.

“Alright. I just want to confirm. You’re a sub?” Eijun hesitated for a second, before nodding. Okumura was still silent beside him. “And those bruises around your neck are from a collar?” he hesitated again. Technically it was true, but there were so much more to it than that.

“Mostly” he whispered, dragging his knees up and hugging them to his chest. He didn’t like to think about it. About his mother’s desperation, about the fight with Hayasaka as Eijun finally tore that damn collar off.

They were silent for a moment, and Eijun thought Miyuki would pry deeper about what Eijun had meant, instead he asked another question.

“And the bruise along your left side? Did your former dom do that, too?” Eijun stared down at his knees, thoughts screeching to a halt. He thought Miyuki hadn’t seen that one.

He could lie, but what’s the point? His mom had tried to file a police report about the abuse, both for the marks around Eijuns neck and the one on his flank. The police had taken photos, but later said it was tricky, when it came to a dom/sub related domestic dispute.

‘You never know in scenes, sometimes accidents happen when a submissive doesn’t communicate properly’ an older policeman had said to Eijuns mom, while Eijun had, with numb fingers, dragged his shirt back over his head. ‘I’m sure the dom didn’t mean for it to get this far. And, I mean, they’re young, maybe he just doesn’t want to tell you everything. Maybe he’s a sub inclined for a rougher play’.

Eijun had stared down at his dirty shoes, thinking no one would believe him. That he’d allowed this to happen, after all. It didn’t matter that his collar was off and that he had fingerprints around his throat.

He opened his mouth to tell them both that no, his dom hadn’t done that one, he’d just fallen down the stairs. But Ochiais voice floated inside his head, his words from earlier.

‘I hate to admit it, but he’s good guy. He cares for the team, and I’ve never seen him abuse his nature in any bad way. I won’t tell you to trust him, but have a little faith. These guys are not your former team’.

“Yes” he confessed instead of saying no, and waited for the same words the cop had used. Proving Ochiai wrong.

“Does your bruises still hurt?” Eijun stared at nothing, before shaking his head.

“Not much, only when I bump against something” both Okumura and Miyuki was quiet for a while, before he heard someone shift closer. He lifted his head and met warm golden-brown eyes behind a pair of glasses, and couldn’t look away.

“Good. Still, that’s a shitty thing to do, you could’ve been seriously hurt” Miyuki said, and Eijun felt something pulse in his chest, felt something crawl up his throat, burning. Heavy. Aching. “No, you were seriously hurt by someone who should’ve protected you. No matter how you look at it, that’s an awful person”.

Eijun wanted to open his mouth to defend Hayasaka. Words going round and round in his head, how Hayasaka had done everything Eijun wanted, Eijun hadn’t known himself enough to know what he liked, that’s all.

But what came out was a sob. That heavy, aching and burning feeling reaching his eyes and spilling over.

He bowed over himself, burrowing his forehead into his knees and tried to not crack open, to not let more tears out.

This was weak. Disgraceful. Not something to cry about. ‘You’re asking for it, you know. Let me give you something to cry about’ Hayasaka hissed into his ear.

Eijun felt warmth along his side. Okumura. Not so that they touched, but enough so Eijun felt him there, close as earlier that day. Close like in the dorms. Just close. Not touching, not being forceful. A silent presence.

“It’s okay, we’ve got you” Miyuki said, sounding closer, too. Not as close as Okumura, but there were a warm hand closing over Eijun’s right forearm, where he was hugging his legs closer. Miyuki squeezed softly and then just held his hand there, a warm presence. “I know you don’t know us yet, but it’s okay to let go”.

Eijun let the crack split, and he sobbed harder into his thighs.

He’d fought so hard to keep his guard up, for months, weeks and days he’d held it in. Hadn’t allowed himself to break more.

But something about this felt like safety. He wanted to trust. He wanted Ochiai to be right. He wanted this to be the space where he could try again.

So, Eijun let go and cried. Sobbed and shook.

And if he was wrong. If what he did was foolish, then he could deal with it then. He could try to bounce back.

Okumura stayed quiet, and so did Miyuki. They didn’t talk with one another, didn’t make fun of him or tell him to stop being so dramatic. He couldn’t tell if they had some sort of silent communication, but for now, he let himself feel and fall.

Eijun didn’t know for how long he cried, but when the tears started to slow down, he braved lifting his head. He dried his face with the sleeve of his hoodie.

“Sorry, that wasn’t very good of me to do, in front of a dom” he mumbled, voice thick and wet.

“Sawamura” Miyuki said, and Eijun dared lift his eyes a little more, scared to maybe see a nasty mean smirk and hear how disgusting he was. Instead, Miyuki gave a rueful smile “Good boy, letting it out”. The praise wrapped around him like a shimmering shawl, warming Eijun from his toes to the top of his head. “Crying is natural. I know it can be hard to cry in front of others, but you were so brave” the second praise sank into him, and he let himself relax and rest his cheek against his knees. He even dared to close his eyes for a moment and breathe the night air in.

The heaviness inside him didn’t feel as heavy, and the frightened part of him gone away. He wondered if this was what it actually should feel like, being cared for.

“Do you feel up to talking a little more?” Miyuki asked, and Eijun found himself search the doms eyes, and nod.

Notes:

Love you all, don't forget to drink water!

Chapter 10

Notes:

Hello! It's been a minute, sorry for the long wait!

I thought I would be back sooner for this fic, right after posting the last chapter of "Help me Breathe", but my brain needed a break, lol.

TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter (no new tags, I think): Descriptive non-con blowjobs and Eijun being distressed and ignored (All in flashbacks, if you want to avoid it, jump past the cursive part)
Your health first, okay?
Enjoy!

Eijun felt safe and grounded for the first time in months, and he didn’t really trust it. Or rather, he truly wanted to trust in it, and that scared him.

The last time he’d felt grounded and safe had been before Hayasaka had stepped into the picture and become his dom… and before Eijun tried a scene for the first time.

He’d thought he’d forgotten how that felt like.

He wanted to savor this feeling these two were giving him, and ignore the voice telling him he didn’t deserve the praise. That it was a silly thing to feel happy about.

“Alright” Miyuki said, leaning his back against the railing of the stairs, resting his arms on his knees and looking up at Eijun “Here at Seido we have a few club members with secondary nature, some of which are in a committed relationship, romantically or not.” Eijun stared back at Miyuki, stunned. “They mostly keep to each other when it comes to nature dominant things, and for the most part there’s no problem for others. Some don’t have partners but manage by suppressants and we usually leave each other’s problems alone, unless it harms the team.”

“There are other submissives here?” He asked, feeling both hopeful and afraid. He’d never met another sub before. It was rare to begin with, and Komadai wasn’t a big school. There had been a handful of doms thought, and none good in his opinion. But maybe that was a ‘Eijun’ problem, rather than the doms’ fault. Maybe there was something wrong with Eijuns submissive gene.

But there had been no submissives that he knew of. Only whispers and rumors at that school.

Miyuki made it sound so natural. Casual.

And even though Eijun focused on the thought of other submissives here, Seido still didn’t sound bad.

But, what did Miyuki mean by committed relationship? He hadn’t seen anyone with a collar on them, nothing to indicate they were in a dom/sub relationship. He hadn’t been able to pin-point other people with nature at all.

“Yeah, at least two that I know” Miyuki said with a grin “You’ve met them, actually, Toujou and Nori. They’re both pitchers.” Eijun could get an image of Toujou in his head, the somewhat blond guy with the warm smile. The name Nori didn’t tell him anything at all, thought. “It’s not something that’s forced to reveal, so there may be more.” Miyuki added with a tiny shrug.

Okumura leaned forward a little, making Eijun jump. “I also think we have some submissives in year one, but I can’t be sure” Okumura was so silent and calm, it was easy to forget he was close, or there to begin with. Eijun stared at the top of the blond one’s head, and couldn’t place a word to the feeling blooming in his chest at the information given.

“Good to know” Miyuki said with a nod, humming in thought “What I wanted to say was, Seido is a good place, I would say” he tipped his head to the side, as if it helped him think “Yes, we’ve had our fair share of bad apples too, but they’ve been talked too and warned. It’s not tolerated to take advantage of others, just because you’re a dom.” He met Eijuns stare of disbelief and seemed to find this a little funny, because he giggled. Not a cute giggle, this sounded nearly a little mean spirited.

The crazy part was that Eijun really didn’t mind the sinister way the giggle sounded, because he felt that it wasn’t aimed at him. Rather it felt like Miyuki was remembering dealing with one bad dom and enjoying the memory. “Anyway, the coaches are big on building character, no matter if the situation is good or bad, and leave us alone to handle our shit… if it’s not too big, like an injury or something. And they usually leave problems regarding secondary natures, dynamics, for us with a secondary nature to deal with.”

“You make it sound like there are groupings in the team, and discrimination against us with secondary natures” Okumura pointed out, sounding a little displeased.

Miyuki seemed to ponder for a moment, not sure how to replay, but Eijun stared with wide eyes at Okumura, and blurted: “Wait, you have a secondary nature too?” How could he have missed that? What if he’s a submissive too? No, Okumura had said he thought some first-years were submissives, and hadn’t included himself.

Okumura looked over at Eijun, eyebrows scrunching together and that sound of a growl started to rumble in his chest again. Was he mad Eijun had asked or-?

“Okumura’s a dominant. I thought that was why you wanted him here... You didn’t know?” Miyuki said, and now that teasing smile was aimed at Eijun for real, and still it wasn’t a mean one.

“No” he said, shaking his head.

Okumura had been in his personal space, had been sitting with him until he calmed down, had helped him out without asking for anything in return. And Eijuns submissive side had felt safe beside him, had soaked up the protectiveness, however small, and enjoyed it.

He suddenly remembers the sound of a pill bottle, of Okumura taking medicine.

“Those were suppressants” he said to himself under his breath, staring out over the forest.

Okumuras rumbling sounded louder beside him, like he was displeased Eijun knew that. Or had figured it out. And Eijun was reeling. He was in the company of two doms and knew he shouldn’t feel safe, or okay, he should be terrified.

Instead, his submissive nature had latched on to the first ‘convenient’ dom, which was Okumura. And Eijun knew that was bad. That meant his nature had done the choice for him, in desperation, and that his health had declined too much that he wouldn’t have a say.

Which probably meant his judgment of these two doms were clouded, and shouldn’t be trusted.

And still, he didn’t panic.

“Well, suppressants are a good substitute, for a while, but not in the long run” Miyuki cut in, and Eijun wondered what he would think if he saw all the pills Eijun took daily to function, and felt how a hysteric laugh wanted to bubble out of him. Eijun held it back like a raging bull was fighting freedom. “But back to topic, you can hash it out later” Miyuki said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“As I said, the coaches won’t meddle with internal affairs on the team. As long as you do what needs to be done while in a game, they don’t care. If you falter, they’ll have you sit the game out, and probably give you penalty afterwards.” He said with a casualness that felt dismissive. “They mostly focus on us on first- and second-string, but if I’m to understand at least you, Sawamura, are being considered to be part of first-string.”

So, they wouldn’t be hands on, or forceful. They simply didn’t really care as long as result and discipline were involved. He could understand that part, and so far, he hadn’t seen alarming behavior from the coaches.

And besides, coach Ochiai was there.

What did shock him was that they still wanted to consider adding Eijun to first-string, when he’d admitted he had no experience with fielding. He barely knew how to pitch to a catcher, how would that work in a match? It couldn’t be true, surely, he wouldn’t be thrust into first-string this early?

“With that said, I’d advise you to do a scene before a match. Or maybe even regularly to be on top of your-, whoa there, hold on, you look super pale!”

Eijun stared, felt something open up in the pit of his stomach. The feeling so fast, images bombarding him. Teammates crowding him. Heart like a jackhammer in his chest. Body frozen in terror.

Eijun didn’t register moving before he was doubled over to the side of the stairs, having moved up onto the sidewalk and faltered, gripping the railing while dry-heaving. Spitting bile. No food coming up.

He could feel sour stomach upsets in the back of his throat.

He could hear Miyukis voice, sounding alarmed and worried. Okumura’s just as worried, but slightly calmer in tone. Eijun couldn’t make out what they were saying, only that they were there, mingling with his past.

‘Aw, come on Sawamura, it’s for the good of the team’ Hayasaka sneered while gripping Eijuns hair tighter, pressing Eijun’s face closer to his pelvis. Eijun gagging, fingers pushing into clad thighs. Hadn’t been given a sign to make it stop. ‘Your throat feels amazing’ Hayasaka groaned while shifting one hand to stroke his fingers down Eijuns throat, hooking to the inside of his collar. ‘I’m coming’ he gasped, nails scratching Eijuns scalp.

Eijun felt panic in his chest and clapped his dom’s thighs, wanted him off, needed to breathe.

Someone laughed off to the side.

Another came closer from the other direction, stroking a thumb over Eijuns wet eyelids, cooing.

‘I think this was coaches’ best idea yet. A scene before the game’

Eijun didn’t want to swallow. Never ever wanted to do this again.

‘Be good and suck’ Hayasaka snarled, smacking Eijuns hand away and thrusting in, grinding closer, the tip hitting the back of Eijuns throat. Pubic hair poked into Eijuns nose, the smell of his dom stinging and musty. And still his mind went a little fuzzy at the command, throat working, going pliant.

He hated it.

He swallowed around the cock in his throat, following command to be good, to suck. Tried to ignore everything else he was feeling, thinking.

He wanted to bit down.

‘Swallow’ Hayasaka commanded, tipping his head back against the wall, moaning, as he spilled down the submissives throat. Eijun felt his mind go blank at the first spurt, as he swallowed the spent down. Warming his belly.

He didn’t even register Hayasaka pulling out, cum hitting his face, before another cock was being pushed inside.

‘Damn, you’re so ugly when you’re messy. I even ordered you to swallow’ Hayasaka said with a disappointed sigh, and Eijun wanted to say he had swallowed. He’d drank as much as he could. He hadn’t been the one pulling away. ‘Can’t even praise you for the sloppy job you made. Try to be good’.

But another dom was forcing his way in deeper, setting a more brutal pace and with clumsy commands.

And still Eijun wasn’t given a hand signal to use while his mouth was occupied.

‘Too bad Hongo isn’t interested in this, he would need to let off some steam before a match’

‘Nah, better not tell him’.

“Breathe!” Eijun took a heaving, gulping breath and coughed violently. “That’s it, again, slower” Eijun took a slower, shuddering breath and groaned in pain. His lungs killing him. His body so tense it ached. “Good boy. Keep that breathing up, that’s it”.

Eijun had never, in the past year, felt so taken care of by a dom as he did now.

Hayasaka would maybe do this if he felt generous, but it always cost Eijun more than he wanted to give. It was never freely given.

Sure, he couldn’t trust this would continue, that this was a norm. But he didn’t have the mental energy to fight.

“You’re doing great, Sawamura, stay with us, don’t think on anything else” and he knew Miyuki didn’t mean Eijuns body, but that his mind should stay. The command helping him file away the flash back and focus in on the grass between his fingers, the cold ground seeping into his knees.

“Okumura, can you handle this? I’ll be right back” Miyuki said. Miyuki that had brought him back, again, with his commands. In a way Eijun didn’t want him to leave, his body already used to his tone of voice. Had learned it was a good stable voice.

But then he heard shuffling, heard himself groan in pain and fear, heard someone jogging off.

Okumura hadn’t even said anything, Miyuki had just up and left for darn knew what.

“Are you alright, senpai?” Okumura asked, sitting down beside him on the grass instead of the stairs.

Eijun groaned once more and shook his head.

He wasn’t alright. He felt like shit. It would have been better to be run over by a car.

He could taste the bitter aftertaste of cum in the back of his throat. There were ghosts of fingers in his hair and an ache in his jaw.

And he was still gripping the railing like his life depended on it, posing awkwardly on his knees and head down. If he let go without thought, he would surely tumble down the slope head first.

Eijun forced his back up straight, leaning back and sitting down on his butt, then let go of the railing. His fingers had gone numb from the force he’d been gripping with.

Okumura was silent for a while, still sitting on the grass with him, before he spoke.

“Can I?” he asked, knees up and arms around them in a loose, relaxing way. Eijun was hit with the knowledge that Okumura was, indeed, younger than him.  

Eijun stared at him, still shaken, memories still playing pranks. Voices and laughter of old teammates.  

“Ca-“ his voice cracked and he took a shaky breath, body still shaking like a leaf in the wind. “Can you, what?” he asked, and Okumura grumbled and growled, then looked at Eijun with intent.

It took an embarrassing amount of time before Eijun kind of understood, and felt apprehensive.

But Hayasaka never asked if he could give commands, none of his former teammates had. They’d just done as they saw fit, and Eijun had thought that was how it all worked.

Then there were Miyuki who’d only used commands because Eijun had been a situation the captain had deemed an emergency.

No one had ever asked Eijun if it was alright to use commands on him.

He studied Okumura for a long moment, this dom who was nothing like the rest he’d met.

“Yeah” he said with an exhale. He was feeling extremely tired after this evening, and he knew somehow, deep down, that Okumura wouldn’t command something crazy or mean of him. Or just knew that if he did, Miyuki would be back and could stop it.

He hoped.

“Lie down, on your back” Okumura said, gesturing to the grassy slope where he was sitting “…senpai” he added as an afterthought. Eijun didn’t care, and neither did his body, which maneuvered enough so he could lay down, feet pointing down. He stared up at the darkened sky covered by clouds, not a single hint of stars or moon peaking through.

“Slow, deep breaths” the first-year said and Eijun did as ordered, while cataloging his body. He lay his arms by his sides and closed his eyes for a brief moment. There were fantom fingers in his hair still, the memory of a hard floor digging into his knees and ghosts of scents tingling in his nose. The echoing of laughter and mocking-sounding praise.

Eijun fought to think on anything else, waving the thoughts and memories away and focused on Okumuras commands to breathe deeply and slowly.

“You’re doing good, senpai” Okumura said when Eijun had been breathing for a while and relaxed a bit more into the ground underneath him. It wasn’t as cold anymore, having warmed up a bit by his body heat.

Eijuns breathing slowed even more, and he was able to fill his lungs better. He breathed in and held his breath for five seconds, before releasing it slowly.

“What happened?” Okumura asked after the silence had stretched a few moments.

Eijun stared straight up, body shivering, heart still stuck in his throat like a lump.

“Memories… flash backs” he admitted, not knowing why he shared any sort of information at all “Don’t… don’t ask about what” he added, pulse picking up, held back from adding a desperate please. Scared and worried Okumura would command some truths out of him anyway.

Instead, the younger dom was silent.

Eijun closed his eyes again and tried to stay in the present still.

“I’ve never used commands before” Okumura said, and Eijun had a hard time processing the honesty given. It took an embarrassingly long time before the penny dropped.

“Wha- never?” he asked, tipping his head to the side so he could stare up at the other, wonder in his gaze. Okumura didn’t meet his eyes, instead seeming focused on a point in the distance, a low rumble in his chest and a slight tinge of color to his cheeks.

The first-year shrugged “Never wanted to… or needed to” he admitted, and Eijun felt his world shift.

He’d thought every dom would love the power to command a sub, or another person, however they wanted. Had thought it was a sure way to get what they wanted, or intimidate anyone. Or that it was in their nature, something they couldn’t control. Like they needed to command people regularly to function. Wasn’t that the whole thing?

Eijun had so many questions he wanted to ask. He felt curious, and wanted to know more. Wanted answers to a lot of things, not only Okumura.

“What about glaring?” Eijun asked, hearing his voice being a little clearer.

Okumura started to shake his head, then he stopped and got a deep frown on his face. The rumbling in his chest got louder and that had stopped being threatening after the second time Eijun had heard it. “Once, I think” Okumura said, and looked mighty sour about it.

No wonder he hadn’t gotten the dom vibe from Okumura after last night, he didn’t seem to like being one. Compared to every other dom Eijun had met, who looked and acted proud, like they where the best beings walking earth simply by being a dom, Okumura didn’t seem proud about it at all.

Even Miyuki carried himself with an air of pride befitting a dom.

“Huh, maybe that’s why” Eijun said out loud, more to himself then Okumura.

“’Why’ what?” Okumura asked, sounding a little put out.

Eijun opened his mouth to answer, when a shadow loomed over him, and then a face.

“Look at you, getting along so well, so sweet” Miyuki said with a grin, and Okumura growled loudly. Eijun slowly sat up and turned towards Miyuki, who handed him a bottle of juice. “Here, didn’t know what you liked so I brought apple juice. And a snack, hope you like pocky”

Eijun took the offerings in confusion and stared down at them. The juice made him nervous, but it didn’t look tampered with. And the pocky was new, too, seal intact.

He blinked down at the items and then back up at Miyuki, waiting for the punchline.

“What’s this for?” He asked. He’d eaten well today and didn’t think he needed more. And why only him and not Okumura? Or himself?

Miyuki shoved his hands into his hoodie pockets and tipped his head to the side, considering Eijun for a beat. Like he was trying to figure something out.

“After care snacks. I know we haven’t had a scene or anything, but this was the second time today I used commands on you, even if it was for emergencies” like it was obvious. Like that was just standard. Normal.

Eijun stared at him, eyes wide, then back down at the apple juice and the pocky. It was strawberry flavored, simple pocky.

He’d received after care once. Once. And it had sucked. Had been awful. Hayasaka had thought it was a pain, and not worth his time, and Eijun has walked away feeling empty and shaken.

He’d never been given something to drink. Not anything to eat.

A wave of emotions crashed inside of him; he couldn’t name a single one of them.

His throat closed up, his chin wobbled, and then his eyes burned.

He didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to crack again. Didn’t want them to think he was nuts.

But he couldn’t help it.

Miyuki and Okumura stayed quiet while he cried, the bottle of juice and package of pocky clutched to his chest like it was the greatest treasure he’d ever gotten.

Notes:

My hope is to give "Numb" a little more love before I start part two of "Help me Breathe", and get a few more chapters out. So hopefully you won't need to wait as long for chapter 11 ^^;

Chapter 11

Summary:

Hello everyone!

Who's up for a chapter? There are mentions of bullying in this one, from Eijuns past, ofc. I'll add that as a tag. But I'm quite sure you all kind of know what you've gotten yourselves into at this point.
I also want to say I'm not planning for this fic to be as long as 'Help me Breathe'... But then again, I never planned for HmB to be long either in the beginning lol.

Enjoy!

The first day at school had been terrifying and extremely draining.

Eijun had been exhausted long before lunch. And the food hadn’t helped him regain any energy either. He’d worried constantly about his bruises, if he’d been able to cover them up good enough or if they were visible. The worst part was to remind himself every few seconds to not lift hid hands to feel the band-aids or adjust his shirt-collar.

But no one had pointed them out or commented on them, he’d still worried at his bottom lip until he’d tasted blood.

And there had been classmates around him constantly between classes, bombarding him with question he’d not been able to answer, or knew how to answer. “Where do you come from?” “Why did you transfer?” “Do you play any sport?” “What’s your hobbies?” “What’s your blood type?” and on and on it went.

The second time they’d surrounded him, he’d pushed past them and ran, nearly stumbling when he reached the nearest bathroom. Anxiety ramping up so bad he’d nearly thrown up, and struggled to get air down into his lungs. Had felt dizzy enough to sit down on the floor, back to the closed door.

He barely remembers how long he’d been sitting there, but long enough for the next class to have started when he came back to homeroom.

The third-time his new classmates had been a little more cautious, but still tried to talk to him. Someone had told them to leave Eijun alone, and so they’d done that.

Which left him feeling like a failure and a nutcase. Now they would think him weird, and strange.

Eijun had remembered a tidbit of information he’d gotten his first day at Seidou, that he and Furuya would be in the same class, at the end of the day. And when he’d located his fellow pitcher, the guy had been sleeping at his desk like nothing was going on. Not a care in the world, while Eijun felt nearly desperate enough to sit by the guy’s feet, just to have one point of security.

And he didn’t even know Furuya. He was not Okumura. Not Miyuki. Not Ochiai.

Eijun had been the first to rush out of the classroom at the end of the day. Nearly forgetting to change his shoes. Had hesitating at the lockers for a split second, scared of what he would find inside. Finger shaking as he opened the door. Images of what he’d found at his previous school flooding him.

Used condoms, some tied and some not. Condom wrappers. A pair of underwear… A leash. The word ‘SUB’ written on the inside of the locker door.

This locker had been empty, except for his outdoor shoes. Clean shoes, and no trace of anyone tampering with the space within. Nothing inside his shoes, either.

It had felt strange, to just set the shoes down and be able to step into them without people whispering or laughing. Without feeling something sticking to his socks or seeping through the material.

He’d stood there, staring down at his clean, untouched shoes, blinking and trying not to cry for something so simple.

Then he’d sprinted past some familiar faces on his way to the dorms, not stopping until he’d thundered up the steps to his dorm corridor, fumbling with his keys and rushing inside the moment he’d gotten the door opened.

He’d locked the door and then just stood there, staring straight ahead, eyesight fuzzy and fingers feeling numb. Eijun had eyed the small bottle of on-opened anti-anxiety medication on his nightstand.

He’d lost track of how many of them he’d taken during the day; knew he’d taken the already opened bottle with him.

He’d sank down to the floor and let out an explosive sigh.

Eijun couldn’t remember anything the teachers had tried to teach today, and only been able to hear his own heart thundering in his ears. He’d tried, he really had, but everything had been a buzzing noise and he’d barely been able to keep his breathing steady most of the time.

Eijun couldn’t remember ever being this nervous about starting school.

Thoughts of ‘what if they saw and didn’t dare ask?’ or ‘do they know I’m a sub?’ ’Do they suspect something?’.

And the sudden pang of missing his friends in Nagano. Friends whom Hayasaka had made sure Eijun distanced himself from. Had succeeded in distancing Eijun from all his guy friends, but not Wakana. And still he’d never told her what had been happening. Hadn’t wanted her to worry. Had told her everything was fine, the team was great. He’d never wanted to burden her. Didn’t want her involved.

He stared out into the empty room, then fished his phone out of his school bag and sent a short text to her.

Because it hadn’t occurred to him to let her know he wasn’t in Hokkaido anymore.

Simple, short.

‘I’ve transferred out of Komadai. I’m in Tokyo now’, then he put his phone away.

---

Eijun felt like a mess when he reached the first practice field an hour later.

Some people were simply milling about or talking in groups. Others were jogging around the field or doing simple stretches for warm-up, while waiting for the coaches to arrive.

Eijun stopped by the dugout, looking out into the field, feeling out of place.

He really didn’t know anyone except for Miyuki and Okumura, and he couldn’t say he knew them, either.

His body felt sluggish and his mind a little numb, a little slow. Fuggy. His inner voice extra mean today, and it didn’t help that he kind of knew why.

The best course of action for his anxiety would be a scene. But he absolutely hated scenes and didn’t trust them, didn’t know how anyone could think a scene nice or helpful. The scenes he’d been in had left him feeling worse for wear and stumped. Like a whole chunk was missing and that it did more harm than good.

Or maybe he was just shitty at scenes, and a broken, useless, worthless submissive who just didn’t function like he should.

Eijun dragged a hand through his hair and took a deep breath, held it, and let it out through his nose.

Yeah, he needed a scene, or a double dose (again) of suppressants.

He walked up to the net off to the side, and a pole with light-fixtures at the top, and leaned against the pole. He massaged his temples and closed his eyes, breathing in the late smell of afternoon air and dirt. Tried to focus his thoughts to the moment, to the sounds of other players around him.

He was alright. He was fine. Safe.

All he wanted to do was sleep. But he needed to do this, he couldn’t make more of a fool out of himself today.

“Sawamura” Eijun blinked his eyes opened and looked up. Toujou was walking up to him, smiling warmly. Another blond guy was walking up behind him. Kanemaru? Eijun thought that was his name. “You look exhausted. I heard the first day in class was rough” Toujou said with a soft, sympathetic smile when he reached Eijun.

He remember Miyuki telling him Toujou was at least one of the submissives he knew of, and Eijun stared at the other pitcher now, feelings welling up in a mix of fear and relief.

“Yeah, our classmates wouldn’t leave him alone” Kanemaru said with a grunt, dragging a hand through his short hair. Eijun realized he’d been the one to tell them off back then. Had told them to leave Eijun alone.

“I-, uhm, t-thank you” Eijun said “for asking them to leave me alone” he added with a bow of his head to Kanemaru.

Kanemaru stopped his hand, then flushed a little, cheeks going a pretty pink “Yeah, you’re welcome” he huffed, then grunted. He stood straighter, hands on his hips as he stared Eijun down “But seriously, man up a bit and tell them off yourself next ti- OUF” Kanemaru doubled over when Toujou’s elbow connected with his sternum.

Eijun stared at the top of Kanemarus head while he coughed, shocked at what had just happened. Toujou, a sub, had just stabbed someone with a sharp elbow, with enough force to have said guy doubling over.

“Don’t listen to him, he’s actually very happy he could be of help. His instincts won’t let him look away and ignore someone who needs help” Toujou said with a shake of his head and a shrug, but he had a soft, affectionate smile on his lips.

Eijun felt like he was processing the information very slowly.

“Instincts?” he asked, his voice small and airy, the pole pressing into his back a little sharper when he leaned heavily against it.

Toujou looked at him, seemed to understand something and made a small ‘o’ shape with his mouth.

“Oh yeah, he’s a dom” the hell, was Seidou crawling with doms just like Komadai? “To be more specific, he’s my dom. He’s also my boyfriend so he won’t bother you”

Eijun flicked his eyes from Toujou to Kanemaru, still groaning in pain, and back again.

How was Toujou not dead? Or on his knees? Or throwing up? Why wasn’t Kanemaru punishing him? Commanding him? Having him kneel or apologize? Beg?

“Wait, what?” Kanemaru asked, coughing, seeming to not catch on either to what Toujou apparently had figured out.

“Nothing” Toujou said with a charming smile at Kanemaru, then he looked back at Eijun with a wink “You’re okay. I’m here if you ever want to chat” then he waved and turned to walk back to the dugout. Kanemaru looked at Toujou once, then back at Eijun with a raised eyebrow.

Then he sighed and straightened up a bit “Yeah, if you ever need anything, just give me a sign”. And with that, he left, too, leaving Eijun alone, reeling.

He hadn’t seen a collar around Toujou’s neck. Toujou had behaved… normally. Kanemaru had just let it happen and seemed fine with the whole thing.

“Yeah, those two are a thing” Eijun nearly jumped out of his skin at the sudden voice right by his ear. Instead, he jumped away from the voice, body twisting so he could claw the net with his fingers to keep himself upright.

When he knew he had a good grip on the net he snapped his head to where the voice had come from and met Miyukis unfaced stare.

They looked at each other for an awkward, silent moment, before Miyuki doubled over, laughing his head off.

“Your face!” he wheezed, clutching his stomach “You jumped, like, one meter into the air!” he continued, still laughing, shoulders shaking with the force of it.

Eijun stared at the dom, face going hot out of embarrassment, heart hammering from fright in his chest.

“Th-that’s not funny!” he shouted, untangling his fingers from the net and coming closer to Miyuki, a sudden urge to push the doms chest and have him topple over. He didn’t do that thought, hands knuckling into fist in front of him before he flung them down to his sides.

Miyuki seemed to notice and choose to not say anything about it and he straightened up instead, wiped his eyes from tears with a finger, still snickering.

“It was hilarious” Miyuki said with a teasing, wide grin. Then he snorted again, like he couldn’t help it while remembering Eijuns scrambling.

“It wasn’t” Eijun muttered, realizing how close he’d come to Miyuki and took a subtle step back.

“Anyway, how was first day at school?” Miyuki asked, still grinning, the corner of his mouth twitching like he could laugh again at any moment. Eijun squinted at him. No way he actually wanted to know, there was nothing interesting with Eijun, why would anyone want to know?

“Fine” he answered hesitantly.

“Just fine?” the third-year asked, tone teasing, but whatever he saw on Eijuns face made him go a little still again. Eijun saw the split second were Miyukis eyes flicked to his throat and up again. “Ah, well… alright” Miyuki said after a beat, a shrug.

The sub raised a hand to his neck to feel the shirt collar, to adjust it, and Miyuki traced the moment.

“They’re not visible, you’re good” Eijun stopped stroking his neck and looked back up at Miyuki, just as he saw more club members entering the field. Coach Kataoka and Ochiai right with them “Oh, and right on time, come ‘on!” Miyuki nodded for Eijun to follow him in line, and damn it all he did.

He didn’t want to stand alone, or beside someone he didn’t know at all, and the dom had still not shown him anything to make Eijun doubt him.

Miyuki stopped by a guy who looked quite intimidating, hair styled back and in a dark green hue that looked great on him. Eijun stared for a second to long, because the guy gave him a raised eyebrow and a grimace. Like he wanted to ask what Eijun was staring at, so he snapped his eyes forward.

Everyone gathered in lines before the coaches, and Eijun felt more and more nervous as the others closed in. He could barely focus on what Kataoka told them would be the practice set-up for the day.

Warm-up laps around the field, then fielding practice, and ending with stretching.

He’d never done fielding practice, had never been allowed at Komadai to even join when everyone learned of his nature.

But he had watched. Knew they would rotate fielders, basemen, pitchers and catcher. Batters, too. Maybe he would get the opportunity to try most of-

“Sawamura! Come to me when you’re all warmed up. Now, get going, all of you!” Kataoka called out to Eijun, then to everyone around him, whom answered with a resounding ‘Yes, sir!’ before turning and starting to jog. Eijun nearly stumbled over his legs to keep up, only noticing when he left for the field that the first-years still stood with the coaches, getting other instructions.

He could see Okumura from the back, hair shining even paler in the light.

Something in him felt in pain to not go to the younger dom, but he needed to focus on the task at hand. He could handle this. His submissive side be damned.

---

He hadn’t been able to handle it.

He sat, alone, shaking and feeling like the most worthless person ever, in the dugout while everyone else were out training. He silently watched as first baseman crouched quickly to pick up a grounder before it could go past him into right field. Next, he watched second baseman do the same, and quickly throwing it to first base. Who caught it. And then they switched players and did it all over again.

Kataoka had wanted him on the mound for some pitcher fielding exercises. Eijun had been able to throw to Miyuki without problem to warm up, but as soon as Kataoka stepped up to the plate and ordered Eijun to focus on straight fastballs, it had gone downhill very fast.

Kataoka hadn’t been able to bunt successfully at first, which seemed to take both him and Miyuki aback, but then the coach had gotten the hang of it.

The first time the ball bounced towards the mound, Eijun had frozen up and not known what to do, until Miyuki had called out to throw it to first.

That had gotten Eijun into gear, and he’d thrown to first. On and on it went.

Catch the ball before it went past him if it bounced. Pick up bunted balls faster. Throw to second, to first, second, third.

And all the sounds. There was so much yelling, and not just directed at him but everyone who was on base if they weren’t able to catch Eijuns throws.

Eijun was sure he hadn’t been up there for long when he stumbled while pitching, but it felt like forever before Kataoka had ordered him to the dugout.

So now he sat there, feeling absolutely worthless and like a burden for the team. No way he would be a part of first string… maybe that was a good thing.

His thoughts and feelings were spinning, sight greying out and going fuzzy at the edges. He was holding his hands between his bouncing legs, knuckling them tightly, while he tried to stay in the precent.

But it was hard. It was so damn hard. Hayasaka was his constant companion in his thoughts. Eijun could feel his former doms touches like a physical thing, could hear past commands landing and words dragging hooks in his mind.

He was gonna be sick, headache rushing in. It felt like he was having a fever. Body heavy and going numb from feeling too much.

“Senpai” came a breathy voice, and a pair of white shoes came into view.

Sight still blurry, Eijun looked up, felt sweat drip down his face and into his eyes, his hair sticking to his damp skin.

Okumura.

Eijun groaned, whimpered and felt all strings holding him getting cut off. Okumura gave an ‘Ouf’ sound as Eijuns forehead connected with his sternum, and Eijun could feel how the first-year had to steady himself not to stumble back.

Eijun could hear the doms ragged breathing, like he’d been running, or like he’d had an intense practice session, wherever the first-years were being made to train.

Eijun had no idea why he was there, but something in him calmed.

He hadn’t even noticed how close he’d been to crack until Okumura had gotten there. He could close out the sounds from practice, felt himself come back slightly.

“I’m sorry” he mumbled into the first-years stomach. Okumura didn’t respond, seemed too shocked to speak. Eijun didn’t care and just breathed in the scent of sweat, dirt and linen. “I’m sorry” he repeated and didn’t care anymore, as he stroked his forehead back and forth on the others shirt.

“It’s fine, senpai” Okumura mumbled and stayed where he was.