Letters of My Love

by JihopeTruther

Summary:

“Not every girl can be the perfect one Hwa, we only saw each other for like give or take two months? Wasn't like we were getting married.”

Dropping the act, Seonghwa barely let him finish before asking a question Yunho never could have been prepared to answer. “Then how long have you been in love?” Pursing his lips, the older’s eerie glare only continued to build as Yunho spluttered, neck pushing back as a tangled astonishment crashed over his shoulders.

“What? I was never in love with her… Why the hell would I break up with her if I was in love?” He scoffed, hands trying and failing to rub some of the growing irritation away from his eyes. “Common Seonghwa, just say what you’re trying to get at. It's too early for the go around.”

“Fine,” he shrugged, taking a long righteous sip of coffee as Yunho groaned impatiently. No doubt in hell the bastard was enjoying himself.

“How long have you been in love with Mingi?”

 

(ie. where will life go when two childhood pen pals are destined to meet)

Chapter 1: Part 1: Loser

Notes:

Hello Yungi Nation!

I am so excited to finally publish this fic! LOML is definitely my longest story to date, I've been writing very hard and I think it turned out pretty well in the end. I'm practically allergic to writing angst free stories but I promise the end of this is tooth-rottingly happy.

Just a few housekeeping notes:

This switches POV between Mingi and Yunho every other chapter. I've never tried writing a dulpov before so fingers crossed it's clear enough in the formatting, I think it works well with the plot. Also, the length of each chapter is wildly different so I added the word count at the top, that way you know what you’re getting yourself into.

Because Mingi is a music producer I've added a song to each chapter! There are a few specifically within the text because I wanted to give the illusion he wrote them. Each song was scrupulously handpicked and I'd love it if you’d give them a listen. I really dug deep into my love song playlists for this and I might have spent too much time making sure they were perfect ^_^

Hopefully this fic is something my prompter can enjoy, the word count truly did get away from me but what can you do. Thank you to our admins, your hard work is deeply appreciated! Please enjoy and leave me comments on what you think. It truly means the world to hear from you guys.

<3

(Prompt: They're matched up as penpals from different schools when they're kids, and decide to keep it going. They finally decide to meet in person once they're both living on their own and have the means to.)

 

2k

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

✮Heavy - The Marias✮

Can someone tell me it's alright to be covered

Underneath the covers? But I

No, I don't need to sleep anymore

Is someone banging at my door?

When I just wanna be alone?

Is someone banging at my door?

Je ne sais pas qui est ici

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Mingi was anxious. Well, more anxious than usual at least. Not only was this his first day at a new school, in a town he had never once visited, surrounded by an entirely new student body, but his home room teacher was now outlining the addition of one more stranger to the mix. Apparently it was tradition for freshman in this school, yet he could still feel his heart palpitating under his unironed uniform with each new line and stipulation of this year long ‘project’. 

 

• • • You will be assigned a student from a school in the city
    • The two of you will write back and forth alternating every month, ten letters total. 
    • They are to be sent the last week of the month
    • The project will end at the close of the school year
    • We are the initiators so you WILL be setting the tone for the future, make it count!
    • You will introduce yourself
      • Name 
      • Likes and interests
      • Career dreams
      • What you enjoy in school
    • Ask questions outside of these topics! Some examples:
      • How was your day?
      • What do you do for fun?
      • How do you like your class?
      • Do you have siblings?
    • Be polite! 
    • You must write at least one page
    • Do NOT treat this poorly! It is an opportunity to bond with someone you otherwise would never know

 

He was getting a pen pal, something he had never even realized existed outside of movies and books. They called it the ‘Letter Program’ to ‘build generational camaraderie and verizon expansion.’ Just in reading the outline, Mingi could tell it was going to go one of a few ways. In the worst case, his partner wrote a no nonsense, bare minimum letter to fulfill all the qualifications. Even worse, he would screw him over by not giving a shit and blowing the whole thing off entirely. But he couldn't ignore the flicker of hope, that maybe just maybe he’d be matched with someone kind and understanding. Someone interested in reaping the social benefits of the idealistic bullet points she was somehow still writing on the board. 

 

Mingi felt a small fissure of anticipation tingle along his spine at the thought. The opportunity to gain a friend in an environment where he could control and thoroughly, definitely over, think everything he wanted to say. Having upwards of two weeks to interpret what his pen pal had responded with sounded ideal for his tendency to blend into the background whenever he couldn’t figure out how to engage. 

 

His mom had sent him off that morning with a prolonged kiss to the forehead. He didn’t try to fight it, knowing it was no use and even if it was an unspoken secret, they both understood he liked to have her close whenever he was feeling timid. Taking the time to let her perfume blanket his senses as a loving hand melted away at the blocks of uncertainty freezing his lungs. The warmth of her shoulder under his cheek was grounding as he shrunk down to fold himself up and fit in her smaller grasp, helping his feet stay glued to the floor.

 

She knew he hadn’t wanted to move schools again, but it had been the only option for the two at the time. It was something he should’ve been used to by that point, having to jump around as his mom flitted from job to job trying to find one that would finally stick. He loved her endlessly yet if there was one thing he could change about their life, it wouldn’t be having a present father or stumbling on grand riches. Mingi craved for one solid place to call home, no more moving, no more ‘hi my name is, please treat me kindly’ school introductions. Just a consistant stability, where he could set his roots down without the fear of the ground moving from underneath him. She promised that this would be the time it stuck and he decided he would believe her. 

 

“You’re going to do great Minnie, I promise. We’ll both make this move count okay?” She vouched once more without prompting. Mingi nodded, trying and failing to hide the overt solemness subconsciously threading through the situation. “Remember, big breaths in and slow breaths out,” she rubbed her hands roughly up and down his arms, shaking his body just a bit to get him to lift his head back up. His mom smiled kindly, the reassurance making him roll his eyes as he nodded begrudgingly. “You’ll find some friends, I promise. There is so much about you to love, you just have to keep your mind open.”

 

Mingi groaned, trying to hide the large involuntary sniff his sinuses took without permission. He grumbled at her, once more rolling his neck back petulantly as she tapped his back to get him standing straight. She fixed him with a stern look, the kind he could only take half seriously as her own humor popped out in the hereditary curve of her mouth. 

 

“I mean it, you’ll meet good people today I promise.” Mingi offered her one last nod before grabbing his bag from the table, leaning over to kiss her cheek and make it way out the door. 

 

“Okay mom, they won't know what hit them.” 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Mingi shrunk in on himself as his desk mate promptly ignored him the second he sat down. His brow cocked, giving him a singular once over before turning back to the girl across the aisle, the two gossiping about something he didn't have the context to care about eavesdropping in on. Helping him officially start off the day with a score of 1 to 0, the teenage general population to Mingi’s sorry ass. It wasn’t unexpected but still. It sucked. 

 

“-and I’ll be passing around the basket of names-“ the next long inhale brought him back into his seat right as the teacher was wrapping up her speech. He hoped he hadn’t missed much, but with a glance at the board it seemed like the basics had been covered far before he started to daydream. Or dissociate, the way he chose to label it always depended on the day. 

 

Mingi smiled at his desk mate as he passed the basket, silently cheering when he at least got a light yet analyzing smile in return. He didn’t make any fanfare in picking a name, quietly plucking out the first slip his fingers touched, wasting no time in unfolding it. 

 

Jeong Yunho

Age 14

 

“Yunho,” he silently tested the name over his tongue. It was nice. As recognizably delusional as it was, he knew fate would officially be playing a huge role in his coming year. “And he’s my age,” he mumbled just a hair louder. 

 

“Yeah no shit,” the boy next to him unexpectedly responded, shocking a yelp out of Mingi’s throat. “I’m Wooyoung, by the way. And you’re..” he glanced down at the name tag hanging crookedly off of his blazer. Reaching forward without another thought, Mingi held still as Wooyoung unpinned the flimsy plastic from his jacket, adjusting it until it sat correctly. “Song Mingi,” he said with a confirming hum. “Well Mingi. Welcome to my world.” 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Mingi learned very quickly that day that Wooyoung was very nice. But he learned quicker that he was incongruously loud and ten times more popular than anyone who had ever bothered learning his name. Two things that outright terrified him. Yet Mingi still let him settle at his side, the social dam broken down enough for Wooyoung to understand he could talk and talk without expecting an active response, always still being heard. It didn’t take him long to realize Mingi just wasn’t as used to it as he was. With time it got easier, but mostly he was happy to have the opportunity to revise the score. Teenage general population 1 0 to Mingi +1. His mom was gonna be so happy. 

 

It was honestly a lucky break, the kind energy he received from Wooyoung was easily noticed by the rest of their class and extended his kindness throughout the other students. Whether it was simply neutral existence in the same space or someone striking up a random conversation, he was never just outright ignored. That sensation was as close to shell shock as he could get. No one at his past schools had ever gone out of their way to make him feel so included. 

 

It had the rest of the adjustments feeling easier, Wooyoung making it painfully hard for him not to fit in. Unknowingly shoving his typical label of ‘weird’ into a new, simpler categorization: shy. He always had someone to sit with, never on his own for longer than a few minutes. Other people always wanted to talk to Wooyoung so Mingi could usually comfortably sit to the side and just listen whenever he needed a break from the spotlight. The apartment his mom had rented was on the same way back as Wooyoung’s house and they had enough in common to never get bored with each other. He made life easier whether he meant to or not. 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

Mingi huffed, his brow furrowing as the key stuck jammed in the door of their apartment. They had barely moved in a month ago and the kinks had definitely not been worked out. Starting with that damn door. He put his full body weight into turning the key, heaving a heavy sigh as the lock finally clicked open. After another five minutes of shimmying the key back out of the lock he slammed the door closed behind him, frustration adding just a touch more force than needed. 

 

Their place was quiet that time of day, most of the other people in the building elderly or working couples with no school aged kids to come back besides him. The inside of their home had good lighting, which he appreciated after their last apartment. It had been dark for all but three measly hours a day, even worse when winter came around. Here it streamed in from the west facing window, passing through a small gemstone he had hung to scatter rainbows over the opposite wall and subsequent stack of yet to be unpacked boxes. He paused in the kitchen, glancing towards the fridge before continuing to scurry past. He knew well that there would only be ingredients in there and unfortunately nothing he could shove straight into his mouth. He could wait until dinner. 

 

He shucked his school coat off, draping it over an armchair as he shuffled towards his bedroom, leaving the door slightly ajar so his mom could pop in without having to knock once she got home. Huffing, he dropped his school bag to shuffle an unpacked box off the center of his desk, pulling a Hamtaro notebook from the top drawer and slapping it down on the worn wooden surface. Without grace he flipped it open, shuffling back until he found an empty sheet without the ghost of any earlier pen strokes. Riffling through his bag, he grabbed his pencil case to for search the best pen and the loose leaf paper he had messily scribbled the outline for their letters down on, smoothing it open along the space above his journal. 

 

He sighed, running a hand down his face and cracking the other’s wrist. The empty page in front of him looked up in an almost mocking blankness. He clicked his pen repeatedly, waiting for the right spark to touch it to the paper. 

 

hi yuhuo, 

 

He paused, looking at the line only to toss his head back. His writing looked messier than usual, even when he was being so careful. Not at all up to snuff for first impression material. He bit his lip, the words jumbled in his mind not appearing any clearer even as he pressed the pen back down. “Shit that’s not even his name,” he scoffed at himself, ripping the page from its plastic spiral binding, not letting himself wait a second more before starting once again. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

Notes:

<3

Chapter 2: Part 1: Puppy

Notes:

4.7k

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

✮ Puppy's Love - Lacuna / 라쿠나 ✮

I’m thinking of you

I’m lying down here and

borrowing your eyes

I see what you see

I lie down here and

copy your thoughts

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

2014.09.01

Hi Yunho,

 

I'm assuming you got the check list for this project as well. Would you even really call it a project? I know they’d like it if we hit all the outlined points but don’t you think doing only that month after month would be a little boring? I hope I'm not just dreaming big here and that you’ll agree. To be honest, I don't know how to talk about myself without feeling awkward. I guess I know that IS me talking about myself but it’s not what I mean. See I’m already rambling. 

 

Today was actually my first day at this school. I just moved here with my mom and if I'm being completely honest I really hope we can stay here a long time. Not because I particularly love it here, I mean it’s only been a day how could I know that for sure, but because I am just so desperate to feel normal. I hope this isn’t too much to say for a first letter, I'm just trying to be honest and my mom says it’s the only way to truly communicate. I really look up to her, she works so hard for us. Is there anyone you look up to like that? Do you have a big family? I don't really, it's just my mom, brother and I, but he's much older and already lives on his own so he doesn't move around with us. I don't see him that often anymore. 

 

Oh do you have pets?? I've always loved animals but it's never been the right timing for us to get one. Someday when I live on my own I'll have a pet, maybe even two.

 

There are a lot of things I'm interested in these days, not to brag but I'm pretty good at finding the kind of hobbies I can pick up and carry with me. I love music, I listen to a lot of rap and have written a few kinda shitty songs myself. It’s something I've always wondered if I could actually be any good at. I don't know, maybe someday I'll give it a real shot? I watch a lot of anime, it's something I can get lost in. Do you like anime? I also read. I guess I'm realizing I just really like to get lost in stories, fantasy can keep me up all night. Sometimes I get so hooked I forget to go to bed until 4 am (don’t tell my mom lol). What do you like to do? 

 

Is there somewhere you would call your happy place? Where you feel safe and can be yourself without worrying. At our last house, our yard was attached to this path that led through the woods. If you walk out far enough there is this small clearing and off to the side is a bunch of stones organized around what I think used to be a fire pit. I would go out there a lot to be alone. Not that I wasn't usually alone lol. But this was in a way that was my choice. It was quiet out there. I never had to think about how I came across to others and there was no anxiety to hold me back from just existing. I think that's what I miss the most about that apartment, I'm still looking for that kinda place here but we only just moved, I’m sure I'll find something down the line. 

 

Do you have a best friend? I feel like I float around too much to make one that can truly be qualified as the ‘best’. I do have some friends that I still keep in contact with but it's kinda hard when they still have everything going on in their life that was there before me. But there are lots of things I have to offer as one! I'm super caring, I like to think I remember the small things, to learn about what my friends like so I can like it with them too. I think that if I didn't move so much one would be able to stick. But I think my mom is going to keep us here until I graduate, So here’s to hoping. 

 

There is one person I met today that I think could be my friend but he's a lot different than I am. At my last school they made us take the myers briggs test and I came back as a ENTP. Maybe it's because I feel like I never have a chance to really get comfortable or it’s just because I get so anxious, but I feel like I'm much more of an introvert than extrovert. WOOYOUNG on the other hand… I've never seen someone so extroverted in my life! I've known him for like twelve hours and he's already pushed me further out of my comfort zone than I ever knew was possible. But he seems kind so that's good. Other than him no one else really talked to me today unless they were forced too. So really you’re the second friend I've made today. If we can be friends that is. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? 

 

I'm wondering what you look like, it's hard to imagine writing to a faceless person. I guess it would be safe to assume a few things, we’re both 14 year old boys, you go to school and aren't an idol or something (I'm assuming at least, that would be so cool if you were though) so you probably have dark hair and eyes like me. I’m taller than most people our age so I wouldn't be surprised if you're shorter than me. I have a really crooked front tooth that I'm still not too sure about. My mom says it suits me but like.. I think she’s pretty much legally required to think that. I added my school picture so you could know who you were talking to. Maybe it defeats the purpose of the pen pal system but whatever, I think we can make our own rules going forward. When my teacher first brought this up (after the initial moment of panic haha) I immediately thought ‘aren't we too old for flat stanley..’ I realize now I was thinking in the completely wrong direction. But anyways, I suppose we can do whatever we want to? Of course only if you want to too. 

 

Wow, I'm only realizing how much longer this got than it was supposed to. I don't mind if you end up only skimming it, I probably told you way more personal stuff than they wanted me to anyways If you're not into doing this whole thing you can let me know and in the future I’ll just underline the questions I ask so you don't have to be bothered by my effort. Sorry again. I know we have the next three weeks to write this but I'm realizing I just needed to get a lot of this out and my mom won't be home for another two hours. Thank you for being my outlet.

 

I hope we can be good friends Jeong Yunho,

Song Mingi :)

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

“So how was it?” Yunho’s mom asked excitedly, doing her best not to hover and failing. She knew as well as anyone how excited her son was to get this letter. The first hand witness to the years of romanticized anticipation and of course the small jump he did in seeing said envelope waiting for him on the counter. 

 

“I love him already,” his mom exhaled, patting his hair with a fond snort. She didn’t respond immediately, paddling back to the spot she had been sitting with her book while waiting for him to come home. “No really!” Yunho defended himself, straightening his spine indignantly as he could. “He responded, like really and truly wrote me a letter. Not like the ones half the kids get that mean nothing,” he waved the letter in the air, his eyebrows furrowing. It was a dream come true for him, having seen countless pen pals fall through the cracks due to lack of commitment, outside factors and a general lack of caring. But not his pen pal, his Mingi. He looked back down fondly at the neatly folded sheets of paper, a Hamtaro icon looking back at him over a crease. 

 

“Well, will you let me read it then?” His mom mused, entertained gaze danced over her son’s boisterously radiating joy. Grin turning rueful again at the long pause he took to decide. 

 

“You can skim it, but just this time,” she nodded, reaching out her hand to accept the letter. Yunho quickly walked around to rest his elbows against the back of her chair, eating away at their personal space to reread the letter over her shoulder. 

 

“He sounds nice honey,” she conceded with a soft, almost bittersweet smile. Yunho snatched the paper out of her hands at the smallest inclination she was finished, pulling it to his chest. “Maybe a bit lonely, but definitely someone genuine. You can help him with that, right Yunho?”

 

“Definitely,” he grinned, not letting the full thought flush out before writing it in stone. She tried unsuccessfully to hide a light snicker, tender as she took in his excitement. 

 

“I'm happy for you,” Yunho grinned again, small and fond before nodding, feeling the same in his heart. He knew then and there he would do every and anything in his power as a pen pal to try and cure that loneliness, Mingi didn't know what was about to hit him. “If you want help choosing a picture for him just let me know~” she added, her words following after him as he rushed down the hall towards his bedroom.

 

Yunho threw himself belly first onto his bed after gently closing the door behind him. It was maybe a bit of an over reaction, but his stomach was downright fuzzy and the broadness of his smile was making his cheeks feel dangerously close to splitting him in half. He pressed his face into a pillow and squealed. The childish giggle was barely muffled as his screech projected loud enough to practically over power the feathers surrounding his mouth. He was just so excited, so hopeful. He rolled to his side bringing the light orange stationary back to view, appreciating that from the jump they had a link in common, his own wall of spiderman and marvel posters looking fondly back.

 

Mingi was like him, he could just tell. Obviously it was still early on in this, but it was all so clear to Yunho in the way he spoke. Mingi so easily offered up his weaknesses, confessing to his struggles without needing to filter them through a muck of shame. Yunho could feel that inherent softness in the other’s heart. A blind hope stirred in his bones with no way to know its motivation or the direction it was pushing him. His knowledge of the other was undeniably limited, yet the butterflies pounding relentlessly against his stomach were a brand new sensation. The residual buzz of limbs made his toes feel light, thrumming electricity all the way up to the tips of his ears. Maybe it had something to do with the innate understanding that Mingi was already his. Yunho shook his head at the primitive thought even as a possessive new voice in his skull debut. It side stepped a shadow to approach him with heavy words, spinning him around and around until he was convinced of its truth. Besides Mingi was for all intents and purposes alone. Alone except for one person who Yunho couldn't even tell if Mingi actually liked. He needed to know what kind of person Mingi liked. 

 

This project was a generational tradition between the two schools. Yunho had always resented the students who dreaded it, more than a handful of kids in each upcoming freshman class groaning in the halls as they walked to their home rooms that first morning. Every one of them already knew what to expect without the syllabus, each little detail of the assignment long since frozen in time. This was a day he had dreamed about so openly that even his mother had been anxiously waiting for the letter, nearly as attentively as Yunho himself. In the long run he knew it was because she hated to see him disappointed, but also because she wanted him to be loved to both the extent he deserved and amount he was willing to extend. His classmates aside from San always teased him, labeling his hopes as ‘girly,’ calling him soft and a whole slew of words that Yunho tried to let roll off his back. Because somehow his hopes had still been answered, loudly in fact. Mingi was exactly who he had prayed for, two open ends of a bond they were equally willing to build, a bridge between worlds only known to the other.

 

Yunho rolled onto his back, taking a deep breath in through his nose before puffing out his cheeks. He chewed on the breath a few times before letting it out with a satisfying huff. Turning to the side he smiled down at the letter gently resting in his hand, another flush taking his cheeks as he lifted it to hover over his face and look closer at the attached picture. The afternoon light streaming in through his windows lit the parchment from behind, the low glow of the pages surrounding Mingi’s face as Yunho memorized his features. He was undoubtedly handsome, somehow already burrowing into a special spot in Yunho’s chest. He was a kid much the same as himself but already sharp, his features contrasting the roundness of his cheeks. 

 

‘I hope we can be good friends Jeong Yunho,’ he whispered to himself, finger lightly tracing over the penmanship that proceeded to get decimally less organized as the pages went on. The small smile he had drawn next to his name looked back at him as he startled, the buzz of his phone slicing through the fixation. 

 

He only took one glance at the id before swiping the phone open and lifting it to his ear, a bright smile still plastered to his mouth. “SAN!” He nearly shouted through the mic, the small grumble on the other end made him grimace apologetically, not that he could see. Dialing it back a few notches he tried again. “Sannie~, to what do I owe the pleasure of your call,” Yunho could hear the grin in his own words, not able to help it as his fingers continued to trace feather light over the lines of Mingi’s carefully expressed words. 

 

“Well, I got my letter today. So I’m assuming I can blame my busted eardrum on your pen pal not crushing all your hopes and dreams?” San’s voice was teasing even if he knew better than anyone, having been the closest suffering from Yunho’s incessant rumination, how much this meant to his friend. The returned hint of hope was clear to Yunho even through the distraction of the joy still cruising through his chest.

 

“You can't even imagine,” he gushed, sitting up to throw his legs over the side of the bed. His excess energy was to close to the surface, absentmindedly rubbing his socks back and forth over the carpet. “His name is Mingi and he’s going to be my best friend,” San’s sarcastic scoff made him snort, his own eyes crinkling up just imagining his face. “But no one will ever replace you as the best friend of all best friends to ever exist,” he heard a hum through the speaker knowing just what kind of 'that's right’ pout his longest friend was making. “But really, I feel so lucky. I've already read it like twenty times, I think we will get along really well,” he contemplated for a second before adding a soft and quiet, “he seems kind.” 

 

San’s grin, the kind that curled his lips and pushed up his cheekbones, was heard clearly through the phone, humming. “I'm really glad to hear that Yun, you of all people deserve it the most.” Yunho couldn’t help the soft and self deprecating ‘gahhh,’ he let out. Feeling another quickly approaching wave of heat scorch him as he lifted a palm to lightly pat over his warm cheek.

 

“What about you?” He shifted the attention not so discreetly away from him, away from Mingi. “Did you get a good letter?” The excitement in his voice was clear, spilling over from his own luck. Yunho was hoping for the best for him even if his friend was less invested, hanging less on the prospects of the whole concept. There was a long pause before the other spoke, his voice sounding undecided right from the starting breath.

 

“I’m not sure yet,” he hummed to himself while gathering his thoughts. “I mean he seems fine?” The uncertainty was there but Yunho could sense it wasn’t something unbearable, he knew San could do lots with only a little if he really wanted to. But that's what it came down to, did he want to give his pen pal the chance. “He answered all the questions and added a few of his own. I don't know, I think no matter what the first letter is bound to be awkward, right? It didn't seem like he wasn't into it or anything, just that he didn't know where the lines were,” he huffed a bit, Yunho able to picture the way he was tutting his head, the hint of a cautious smile undoubtedly joining the action. He could hear the telltale sound of the gravel in San’s backyard crunching under his shoes, tending to pace the back yard anytime they were on the phone. It kept him from getting too antsy to focus on Yunho’s voice. It also usually saved the privacy of their conversation from the sneaky ears of San’s sister, which was a learned plus. “Figuratively speaking that is. He actually has painfully good penmanship. I feel like I'm going to have to practice before I send next month’s so he doesn’t mistake me for a third grader.” 

 

Yunho snorted, his laugh trickling through the speaker and into San’s ear. “I get it, part of me wonders if Mingi rewrote a page or two with how organized his lines were.”

 

“PAGES?” San scoffed. “Damn pages,” he huffed again before the sound of his feet came to a halt, signaling to Yunho their conversation was coming to an end. “This guy really is perfect for you huh?” The question was rhetorical but the words still dug their way into his chest. 

 

“Yeah I think he really is,” he could hear the smile in his own words and then again as he said good night to his friend. His cheeks finally started to relax as he moved over to his desk. The evening sun slowly setting through the trees casting light against the wall behind him as he pulled out his own notebook. He’d been happy to see the animation on Mingi’s stationary, it made him feel all the more comfortable as he stretched his back out, staring down at the blank lines decorated by spiderman masks and webs. He had a good feeling in his gut as his pen shakily touched down, the first line of ink decorating the sheet. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

2014.10.27

Mingi!

 

Hey! As you know my name is Yunho and I'm so excited to have you as my pen pal. 

 

I know you don't know (duh how could you), but you MUST not know who you're talking to if you think I'm going to ‘just skim’ these letters. Just skim??? HA! Good joke. I've been thinking about this project for years. Obviously you only found out about it that first day of school (surprise!) but for me it’s something I’ve been romanticizing since I was like 12, no joke. Honestly my classmates have always tried to make me feel embarrassed about it but I'm not at all. So to read your letter and see that you want to actually know me and not just write the bare minimum was.. Just wow, I am so excited. Like so so soo excited. It's an honor to be part of your welcoming squad, even if it’s already a month into the school year. Are you adjusting well? Make any friends other than Wooyoung… and now me? Hopefully they are treating you kindly the way you deserve.

 

I do have a best friend and he would KILL me if I introduced him in any other way. San is just a little younger than me but is still in our same year. He's been my friend since the dawn of time and I genuinely can’t remember a point where we weren't friends. I'm very lucky to have him. It makes me sad to know you don't have a San. But not in a pity way! Just that everyone deserves a Sannie in their life. His parents own the taekwondo studio in town so he is kinda jacked for a fourteen year old. There has only been one time he had to stand up for me, I was really lucky he was there even if he normally wouldn't hurt a fly. I'm a full head taller than him but he can be much more stoney than me. Emotionally he’s really dependable, he doesn't like to sugar coat things but he is still mindful and usually reads me like a book. Sometimes I think he knows my brain better than me, can sense how I feel before I even know how to label it. I'm not all that great at expressing my emotions in the moment but he still knows when not to push something and gives me time to think on it even if he’s already figured out what's going on in my mind. I don't really see myself as a pushover but he tells me that I go with the path of least resistance a lot even when it's not in my best interest. I don't really like to bump heads when I can help it, but it’s something I’m trying to work on. (ps. I like the idea of knowing what each other look like so I added a picture of me and San that his mom took this summer, I'm on the right!)

 

Family wise, I have a younger brother! The four of us have lived here in this same house my whole life so I have to admit I've had a completely opposite experience as you. Otherwise it's pretty cut and dry on that end. My parents and grandparents are Catholic, so my brother and I are too by default. We go to church every week but I’ve never felt all that connected I don’t think, at least not in the way my adults are. Like I know it’s far more than just a feeling of obligation to me, but there is just something I can't exactly pinpoint about it. I’ll be making my confirmation this year with the other kids my age but it kinda just feels like the steps I’m expected to follow? I know religion can mean a lot to a lot of people, but for me it's more something we just do, or have done since I was a baby. Are you religious? No judgment if you're not. Obviously.  

 

I don't have any pets at the moment, but every time I ask my mom she jokes saying ‘why would we get a pet when I have a puppy right in front of me!’ She thinks she’s soo funny. But also my friends say the same thing, a lot of people tell me I look and act like a puppy, I don't really see it but I don't dislike the pet name (ba-dum-tis). I guess if the shoe fits.. And it is pretty cute, pup, puppy. People also call me Yun, Yunnie, Yuyu and a few other variations, you can call me any that you like. Do you have any nicknames? 

 

I'm also really tall! We have that in common then, my doctor keeps telling me he's shocked every time he sees me because I just keep growing. It's cool being tall, I think I like the feeling. But you’re right in most of your guesses, I have brown hair and brown eyes. They are pretty big though, like I said… puppy… but I am NOT an idol! I do love to dance, I’m in the hip hop club at school. So it's definitely a hobby of mine. I think it's really cool that you like music and I bet you're a lot better at it than you think you are. Maybe someday you can make me a song to dance too? We could be quite the pair. I have a few other hobbies of course, I love video games. My mom hates them but I’m really good at fps, I just recently started playing League of Legends and I can see myself getting really sucked into it if I'm not careful. One of my all time favorites is Spiderman: Shattered Dimensions. I LOVE Spiderman, could you tell? He is my favorite superhero but I also like most marvel stuff. 

 

You said you really like anime so I'm going to watch more of it. Are there any you would suggest? I've watched a few of the classics, Trigun, Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure and a few One Piece episodes. I’ve always really liked Sailor Moon too. OH! And your hamtaro stationary is SO cute, I had to look up his name at first but I definitely remember watching a few episodes of that as a kid.  

 

Sorry I'm trying to go through your letter to make sure I don't miss anything without making it too obvious that it is exactly what I'm doing. I'm not so great at this, I'm sure it will get easier with practice so in the meantime bear with me. Like, I don't know where else to put this but I'm pretty extroverted, I like to think it isn't in your face or anything, but I'm very social with my friends.

 

That little clearing you talked about sounds so cool! Did you ever try to get the fire pit going yourself or did you let it be? I've never thought to look for outdoor spaces to hang out in other than San’s back yard. It's really big and there are a lot of nice shady places to hang out in during the summer. For me my safe space, or at least a place I like to go and where I never feel out of place is the arcade in town! I've played each game there a thousand times over but it never gets old. I really don't think they have gotten a new game in the last five years but I'll never get tired of the ones they have. San doesn't love to go but whenever I can actually drag him along with me he rolls his eyes at the fact that my name is saved somewhere in the leaderboards of almost every machine. But I think I told you that just to brag a little bit. Do you have an arcade there? Do you like video games at all? 

 

What classes are you taking? I’m in most of the basic first year classes but I am also taking a music class, it's really fun. I didn't think choir was something I’d be interested in but San begged me to join and I don't regret it yet. San is a REALLY good singer, but he always tries to be modest about it.

 

I'm kind of glad you went first with these letters, I'm scared I would have come off as overbearing if I had full control over setting the vibe. I wonder if you thought that as well. I think you did a great job and I can’t thank you enough for wanting to know me the same way. I think you're really cool Mingi. I already feel like I understand you and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to know you better. I think we were paired together for a reason.

 

You don't have to worry about not having a best friend anymore. Starting today I am your best friend, besides I'll travel with you in life as long as you have a mailbox. Who knows, maybe someday we will live close enough and be mature enough to visit each other in person. That would be cool don't you think? 

 

Let’s know each other for a long time,

Your Yunho

 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

 

Notes:

our yungi <3

Chapter 3: Part 1: Unprepared

Notes:

2.8k

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

✮ You Love Me - Kimya Dawson ✮

I moved around from town to town

Lots of people around, but still so lonely

Friendships would grow, then I'd hit the road

Making up excuses for why I had to leave

Always been too scared and unprepared

To let anybody get too close to me

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

“Mangi you're acting like this is the end of the world,” Wooyoung rolled his eyes for probably the two thousandth time in the last fifteen minutes, reaching his chopsticks over to steal another bite of Mingi’s rice.

 

“It IS Woo. It is,” Mingi scoffed, looking at him so seriously that the other snorted. “It's the end of the school year. This is the last letter I get to send and then it's just.. over,” Mingi’s shoulders deflated, body slumping forward to rest his forehead against his desk. Pushing the rest of his almost untouched lunch closer to Wooyoung’s greedy hands.

 

“It doesn’t seem like Yunho would argue about you guys continuing to write to each other,” he poked Mingi’s armpit, making him jump. His face turned out of its hiding spot, delivering the quickest nasty side eye he could muster. “He’s just as much a simp for you as you are for him,” Wooyoung teased with a monotone, droning seriousness. Mingi sat up so fast his knee almost slammed the desk to the floor, spinning on a smirking Wooyoung with an accusatory finger. 

 

“He is not a simp for me Jung Wooyoung. I don’t get why you would ever even think it’s like that,” he grabbed his chopsticks, rushing to shove a mouthful of rice between his lips the second he realized just how large of a reaction that had been. Wooyoung’s new smirk settled in a far more dangerous fashion, taking over so all consumingly that even his shoulders hunched in ominously.

 

“So you don't deny that you're a simp for him?” Propping his elbow on the table, Wooyoung coyly rested a palm against his cheek and tilted his head with a cute ‘hm?’ Knowing Wooyoung eight months was far long enough to recognize just how devious of an action that truly was. Mingi lightly shoved his arm from the table, forcing him to scramble up before his temple could smack against it. 

 

“What do you even mean by that?” Mingi deflected. Because what did he mean? Yunho and him were friends. Really good friends. But that was about it. They had never deviated from the set parameters, yeah their letters were always pages and pages long and significantly more in depth than their classmates, but it was just because they had a lot in common. Right? He often found himself wishing he could just give Yunho his number so they could text. It wasn't like it was against the rules or anything, he just feared anything that might take the novelty away for Yunho. 

 

He was scared of that almost as much as he was dreading putting his last letter in the mailbox. It's not like Yunho made him feel like he needed to change to keep his attention, truly quite the opposite. But there was always this gnawing voice weaving its way up his spine, whispering that he wasn't going to be good enough in the long run. He had never said anything to him about it, already able to picture exactly how Yunho would respond to ease his worried. But it felt too pathetic to share. 

 

However what Wooyoung was alluding to, or at least what he thought he was alluding to, was just plain wrong. Mingi was pretty certain that he himself would be the first to know if Yunho ever like anyone like that, let alone liked another guy. Or at least he didn't think he did, like guys that is. He sure as hell wasn't going to let Wooyoung of all people be the one to add that mental self implosion to the list of his never ending existential dread. But if Mingi didn't like people like that he was sure Yunho didn't either, or at least as far as they talked. A sudden fissure hit the back of his skull, what if Yunho did like someone like that and just hadn’t told him. What if he had a long term crush from way before they started writing and just didn't mention anything about it. No, they always told each other everything, he would have said something, he had to. 

 

“Well you've never had a crush on anyone else since I’ve known you,” Wooyoung shrugged, like it was obvious. “And you're literally always talking about your ‘Puppy'. So like, what did you want me to think?” Mingi’s face must have shifted to something of shock, feeling the way his jaw dropped and eyes grew wide. That was a new concept, an idea he’d never entertained before. But it was joined by something else, something far more familiar. Each time it came back, it was almost like he'd just barely forgotten. The prickly feeling that washed over him the second he stood face to face with the lingering reminder that there was no way to control how other people would perceive him. Wooyoung must have noticed the shift because he was quick to wave it away. “I don't judge obviously,” he smiled kindly, patting Mingi’s frozen hand. “I think it’s cute~” 

 

Mingi stared unblinking. He didn't know what to say, so he didn’t say anything. Shoving another mouthful of rice past his lips before chewing and chewing. His tongue was so dry, almost as scratchy as his throat and chest. When he could finally swallow, he shoved the uneasy lump in his throat down along with it, reaching for more. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

2015.05.24

Yunho,

 

I can’t believe it’s already May. That somehow we found the end of the school year. I can't even fathom how this is already our last letter and I really don't want this program to end, but here we are. Right at the close of our freshman year. 

 

I hope you know how special you are to me. As lucky as I was to meet Wooyoung, to have him as a friend in my day to day, I can't even compare that relationship to the one we have made for each other. I don't know how to say any of what I need to without telling on myself but I think it's mostly already obvious so why shouldn't I try to put it into words. Bear with me Yuyu.

 

Yunho, you are the kindest person I’m sure I have ever met. Point blank period. You instantly knew how to talk to me in a way that made me feel so seen and accepted, there was never a time that I felt out of place with you. It's probably something you've always been able to do for anyone, but I think for us it’s always been something deeper. Outside of the anxiety that came along with writing my first letter, everything that involves you has been so easy. Learning what you like, easy. Finding a way to make you laugh, easy. Leaning on you when I'm having a hard time, easy. Opening up to you about the things I struggle to talk with everyone else about, somehow the easiest thing I have ever done. You are just so easy to care for and to feel cared for by.

 

Wooyoung always says a lot of that stuff is because I’m not saying it straight to your face. but I don't think that’s quite it. I think even in person, everything with you would feel so right that I wouldn't have to think twice about being this vulnerable. Shamefully sometimes I get a little jealous of the fact that San has had full time access to you for so long, but knowing I got even this one school year makes me feel like the luckiest guy in the world. Who would have thought that we’d just click so well.

 

I really hope I've been someone like that for you too, I think I have for the most part but I’d feel so guilty if it was one sided with the amount I’ve leaned on you. I know you have so many people in your life that you can rely on and maybe it is a bit selfish of me, but I want to be the one you go to first when it comes to the bigger issues too. Obviously not anything time sensitive because that's just not in the cards, but for the deeper thoughts. The ones hanging with you even as you close your eyes at night and when you wake up in the morning. In that aspect those things were issues you continued to help me with in a way I didn't know was possible internally or externally. Every time I was drowning in those thoughts I’d think of you and your words and I was alright. On the bad days I re-read your letters and instantly feel so much less alone. When I lay in bed at night not able to sleep I think of you and hope you’re sleeping soundly. I really want to have been that for you too. 

 

I love the feeling of knowing how much I’ve learned. It makes me feel special that just in a year my world shifted to see you in everything I did. Like knowing what game you would pick first in the arcade, what ice cream you would choose and what movies you would avoid seeing in theaters. What your favorite meals were and which ones you would pretend to like just for your mom’s sake. I liked that I could get a sense of your family too, the dynamic you have with your brother and how hard you try to be exemplary for your grandparents. 

 

And deeper than that, even when I've never seen you in person, you let me know your physical tells, how you said you bite your lip when you're nervous and tend to lean into the person you're sitting with to hear them better. How sometimes you can't keep yourself from laughing at inappropriate times and that you and San used to always get separated in class because you were too distracting to the other students. I like that I know how much you were willing to share with me in return. Maybe it's just because you had been anticipating this program so much that you blindly let me be what you wanted but either way I know I am lucky. I'm sure there are still things you kept to yourself, but I know there’d be a good reason why and either way I respect it.

 

I never knew I could mesh with someone like this. As you know I don't have many people in my life that I would label as constant but this year you quickly took that No.1 spot. It's crazy to me to think this is what friendship can be, it's nothing like I could have ever imagined but if it weren't with you I know it’s impossible to have been the same. You know me just as well as I know you. Actually I feel like I've never known ANYONE as well as I know you and there is definitely no question that a single other soul on this planet has ever ever known me this well besides my mom. Even then I tell you a lot about myself I've never said out loud before. 

 

We are compatible together and it's something I think everyone should be jealous of, we fit each other in a way that is one in a million. It's undeniable. I know for certain that we were meant to have this time in each other’s lives. I never thought of myself as someone who believes in fate or karma, but I think after picking your name at random I somehow cashed it all in. You were my good karma and even if it takes the rest of my life to build that back up to the next lucky thing it will have been more than worth it.

 

You will continue to make the people in your life happy forever as long as you're around and that is something so special.

 

But I guess this has to be goodbye. 

 

Your friend forever, 

Song Mingi

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

“Damn,” San puffed out, staring straight ahead as he gingerly tilted the letter back towards Yunho’s unsteady outstretched fingers. “Damn. I mean I knew he liked you but I didn't know he was into you like that. This letter is melodramatic as fuck,” San shook his head, scoffing as he shifted to meet Yunho’s returned confusion. 

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” The taller tried to ask without sounding accusatory, clearly failing as San tilted back with one sharp laugh. He looked his friend up and down once more before snorting to himself and hopping off the bench Yunho had shuffled him towards in a tizzy. 

 

“I think you’ll be fine, Yun,” he shook with a small chuckle, patting Yunho’s back hard once before shaking his shoulder. “Just write him another letter. Everything will go back to normal,” Yunho nodded silently, not any less confused as he watched his friend walk backwards towards the school, still frozen in his seat. 

 

San wasn't making any sense, of course Mingi liked him, they were pen pals, they were friends. Best friends. In what world would your best friend not like you? Yunho shot him another skeptical glance but San just shrugged, clearly not looking to expand on what he was thinking. It was eating at his insides knowing San could see something he couldn't when Mingi was his friend. But he had to ignore it. Noncommittally shrugging he looked back down at the letter, skimming the lines again. It wasn't the first time San knew what was happening in his mind before he did and unfortunately it probably wouldn't be the last. He couldn't quite place it, but this time it bothered him more. The feeling that he was missing something was daunting, he didn't want to be in the dark when it came to Mingi but as hard as he searched his mind he couldn't figure out what San was seeing. So instead he focused on what he needed to do, what he would write next. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

2015.06.15

Minki… 

 

Why so panicked Princess? I'm not going anywhere, so let’s just keep writing okay. I’m not planning to let my best friend just slip away because the school requirement is over. Are you dumb? Are you crazy? 

 

Honestly, San can vouch for me but I was also anxious about last month being the end. But he and my mom both agreed there was no reason for this to stop… My life would feel empty without knowing I had something to look forward to each month. Without knowing I got to hear how you were doing. Reading this letter made me feel things I haven't been able to really put into words yet. San is fed up with me because I keep ‘talking in circles’ apparently. It really sucks that he can practically read my mind sometimes because he doesn't always tell me what he sees. And then of course gets frustrated when I can't figure it out on my own. This is one of those times and it's killing me that all I can come up with is that the thought of not having you in my life makes me uneasy. I think that's reason enough. I don't want this to end either. 

 

And I also need you to know that I’ve never kept anything from you. Actually I think I’ve been more open, honest and candid writing these than I’ve ever been before. You are incredibly easy to talk to and I feel safe in your hands. So that's just another thing we have in common, I wish you could see that but I’ll tell you as often as I can going forward.

 

Reading all those nice things about myself seems almost impossible to accept. But since it was you saying them I am going to try and take it to heart. Thinking I'm kind and open, well that's exactly what I want to be for you. Knowing I can give you that even when you're so far away makes me realize how much I want to give it for as long as I can. You are so honest and passionate and I know I am lucky that you’ve chosen me to give that to you when you have been so self sufficient for so long. Minnie you don't realize how much you’ve brought to my life, pen pal program or not.

 

My summer schedule might get in the way of me responding in our regular pattern but whenever you write I will respond as soon as I can. You better keep writing me or I'll be pissed and mail harass you until you respond (and that's a threat, I know where you live ㄱ_ㄱ).

 

I'm happy I can finally let myself be excited about summer now that the dread of saying goodbye to you is off of my shoulders. Maybe I WAS being just as dramatic as you lol. Still once again I'm glad we feel the same and I’m going to keep collecting as much of you as you're willing to give for as long as I possibly can.

 

Your Yuyu

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

 

 

Notes:

<3

Chapter 4: Part 1: Shoulder

Notes:

2.7k

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

✮ Take Your Mask Off - Tyler, The Creator ✮

And I hope you find yourself 

And I hope you find yourself

And I hope you take your mask off

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

After that relief Mingi let himself relax. The reassurance did more for him than he thought possible, which was pretty dumb considering Yunho had just spent the last year doing nothing but forcing him to feel secure. Still, it wasn't something he took for granted. As the time passed and their bond grew, so did their letters. Words reaching to new depths, each passing character meaning more to the other than they ever could or would be willing to express.

 

Mingi found himself willing the time between letters to pass quicker, hanging on each new word he received. Sometimes he would stew for hours, deliberating over what might possibly be able to capture everything he had been holding without an outlet. Sometimes it came naturally, a casual flow of thought turned into paragraphs and paragraphs into pages. He would more often than not get stuck, having an overflow of turbulent feelings he needed out of his chest. Those bastards tauntingly running circles around his brain as he balled in on himself to find a way to articulate. The soaring waves of confusion would take him hours of thought, wanting, no, desperately craving for them to be perfect before digging deep enough to send a response. 

 

It grew to be quite an interesting dynamic, each letter carrying multiple moods, highs, lows and tender consolation. They would joke and play around, talking about what they enjoy and their hobbies like they didn't already know exactly what was going on in the other’s media realm, quickly having absorbed the other’s leisure. Participating in their individual tastes enthusiastically even though a year ago Mingi barely cared to follow the newest game releases and Yunho had never even thought to check the Melon weekly charts. That’s how topics nowhere near their first choice suddenly mattered more than anything. Slowly yet all at once their common interests and new ventures merged to a point where they could predict what the other would have to say even before bringing the topic up. Yunho learned more about music in the same breath Mingi started paying attention to dance. His subconscious almost compulsively starting to listen to new releases for both the composition on his end and for compatibility with the current choreography trends filling his SNS feeds. 

 

Funny anecdotes, stories about the ridiculousness they got themselves into during the time in between was commonplace. Mingi grew to know San’s tenderness through Yunho the same way Yunho felt he knew how Wooyoung’s foolishness drew his best friend out of his thick shell. He tenderly cherished the way Yunho told stories, wrapping Mingi up to engulf him with the every intimacy of his inner mind. Often losing himself in Yunho’s descriptions, making him feel so close even with all the distance keeping their physical selves separate. Mingi could barely admit to himself how often he laid in bed fighting sleep with the thought of how Yunho’s voice might ring in his ears, the vivid depictions of his life flitting through his dreams as even his sleeping mind collaged their lives together. Close, closer than he’d ever wanted to be with anyone before. Even his vacant subconscious couldn't tell them apart. It was as terrifying as it was thrilling. The bubbling thought of Yunho alone enough to make Mingi grin, the most mundane tasks pulling forward their shared words. 

 

But even in the basking light of joy, there always lingered darkness. The struggle and confusion of growing older chasing them through empty never ending hallways. They tackled serious issues together, family topics, the implications of outside forces they had no way of controlling. Things always seemed to erode Mingi the most. Even as proud as he was, he still couldn’t help but worry about his mom. He hoped so deeply that she wasn't lonely knowing there was only so much he could give her, especially as his entrance exams for university were quickly approaching. 

 

Yunho was there for him as he talked about his own feelings of displacement in social circles. How he was so glad to still be at the same school three years later, even as it forced new, incomprehensible issues into his hands. It was no longer a struggle to make friends, no, now the issue was that he’d never learned how to keep them. Maintaining the longevity of his active relationships was something Mingi found himself clutching at strings to keep control of. The concept of that permanence had never even been a blip on his radar. Not for lack of trying, he still felt out of place socially, even as widely accepted and liked he was by his classmates. A deeper part of him was quietly convinced he’d never get used to the constant presence of peer companionship. Inevitably, it was pretty clear that Yunho held just as much appreciation for Wooyoung as Mingi did. For having the patience to call out the way Mingi placed himself to the side by default. Never needing to gather the will to reassure him in real time, already hovering at the ready to carve out a safe place for him to rest. 

 

Still, Mingi always felt like there was this something looming in the background of his day to day life. The daunting ghost of a question hovering just out of reach, an itch he was merely a centimeter shy of scratching. Its cool shadow made him feel different than the other guys in his class, always shifting beside his shoulders, tapping on them to trick his vision into looking the opposite way. Mingi reached for answers frantically, constantly failing to grasp onto any sort of solution. Yunho always reminded him there was no rush to know himself fully. That he had the rest of his life to figure it out and that it was guaranteed Yunho would be right there to watch him find the clues. Happily clearing his schedule to talk out just what they might mean.

 

Yunho worked kindly to understand when he wrote about conflicts within their own friendship. How he worried if they were to finally meet, Yunho would decide he didn't actually like him all that much. That if they were to be regularly in each other’s day to day Yunho would quickly realize that he was more so a burden than anything else. Somehow convincing himself that the slower frequency of their communication and the novelty of their letters was what kept Yunho coming back. That he wasn’t worth all that much as a best friend otherwise. 

 

He could recognize how easily and often Mingi’s brain got away from him, but constantly used his words to cement the idea that it made him even fonder. How refreshing it was that Mingi was willing to share himself so vulnerably. That it had never been a weight on him, in fact it made him feel special to know he was the only one who got to see such a raw part of his heart. Knowing that this was his and his alone. Mingi realized in turn that the stability buzzing through his chest was something he never wanted to share either. Yunho, their letters, the life they’d built together after picking a random name backed by the reliability of the postal service. He really didn’t want to give any of his Yunho time away.

 

He was just too special.

 

They stayed consistent through the years, their letters always coming along at the same frequency. One letter each month sent to arrive during the last week, not seeing anything about their system as flawed. They were understandably less precise with their timing over the summer, Yunho and his family constantly traveling and Mingi working a part time job at the local grocery store. Still, every month a new letter arrived in their prospective mailboxes.

 

It was late into their junior year when the first divergence hit. Mingi woke up early on a Saturday, his mom scheduled to work until late into the evening meaning it was the only time he could see her for the day. Rubbing his eyes with a big yawn, he stumbled in the direction of the muffled noises traveling down the hall from the kitchen. Still barely adjusted to the light, Mingi slumped his whole tired weight onto her much smaller frame in a way of greeting. She stumbled back, an acceptant chuckle twinkling over the sound of the stove as she stabilized herself without dropping the coffee in her hand. He relented after a prolonged breath, the short pat laid over his tucked neck prompting him to get up and sludge his way over to the kitchen table. 

 

Tired, he blinked again, quirking his head at the envelope placed in front of his chair. It was only the second week of January, yet here it was.. A letter. He looked up with a confused pout as his mom slid a bowl of rice and fried egg towards him. 

 

“What? Don't look at me, I don't know either,” she snorted, not needing to be told what her son was thinking, the question already so viscerally clear on his face. “Just seems like Yunho wrote early this month. Shouldn't that be exciting?” She shrugged, turning back to the stove.

 

“Yeah I guess,” he mumbled even as a small crack of discomfort bent jagged corners along the inside of his gut. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

2017.01.09

MIN!

 

I know I'm breaking our schedule but I just had to write you sooner. Big big news, I have a GIRLFRIEND!!   o_0

 

I know, I know we are all shocked (my mom especially if I'm being honest. She thought I was joking then looked at me like I was crazy or something lol) but she really likes me. Her name is Haeun. We go to the same school but she is in a lower class than us. I had honestly never even noticed her before but she came up to me and my friends during lunch to give me a confessional letter. It was pretty ballsy honestly and I felt like I should at least give her a chance because of it you know? All the guys were teasing me after so I figured I needed to see it through even though I don't really know her. But that's how you get to know people anyways I supposed. 

 

Let’s see, what can I say about her.. Well, for one she's pretty short. I mean most people are next to me, obviously you can relate. My classmates keep saying it makes us look like the lead couple in a k-drama. Everyone really seems to like that she got me to go out with her because apparently they all thought I was off limits or something? I didn't realize I was giving off that kind of energy but the other guys in my class said it was true and apparently has been since we got to high school. When I asked San about it he looked at me like I had fifteen heads, snorted then said ‘no comment’ with a side eye.. Like dude what the hell is that even supposed to mean?? ㄱ _ㄱ

 

I don't want to sound shallow but otherwise she's just kinda, plain, I guess? Like she looks just like every other high school girl. Long straight hair with bangs, she wears mascara and blush. I've only seen her outside of her uniform once and she was dressed just like everyone else. Don't get me wrong she definitely is pretty, but just in a meh sort of average way. Wait, shit that is definitely mean.. Okay don't tell her I said that. 

 

But we went on a date this weekend and after she asked if we could decide to be a couple. I wasn't so sure at first and I felt kinda bad for not being able to answer immediately. But everyone seems to think it’s a good match so I just thought well why not, you know? It does feel kinda weird to be called Yuyu by someone I'm not close with but she seems to enjoy it. I don't know, I guess I never envisioned dating someone who I didn't already feel close with. I'm not used to it but I'm hoping with time I’ll get a bit more comfortable. I'm trying not to think too hard about it. San was truly shocked when I told him we were going to be a couple, which honestly surprised me. Like he sat down and silently looked at me like I was almost doing something wrong before I called him out on it. Like does he really think of me as so incapable? Jeeze…

 

We don't have all that much in common which I didn't realize until after the date. Seems like she asked me out without realizing it either, or she was just ignoring it like it didn’t matter. She likes a lot of things I've never spent any time thinking about, but more so she really doesn't like anime. At all, like I think she actually actively dislikes it. And she has NEVER seen any of the spiderman movies. I tried not to be offended lol. She told me we should watch them together but I'm not sure. It kinda feels like she just wants a reason to be close to me, like physically. That's probably normal for people starting to date, but it just felt so forced? Maybe I should have tried harder to engage with her interests. I guess I'm so used to talking with you and Sannie who already have such similar tastes that it was weird different trying to talk to someone who didn't seem invested enough to learn about them. But maybe I seemed the same to her.

 

This whole thing made me realize I really don't know what the hell I'm doing with the whole boyfriend thing. She tried to hold my hand and I actually freaked out a little. Like I didn't say anything to San yet but I'll tell you because you're my Minnie but I practically fled to the bathroom. I had to pace around in the stall for a few minutes before I could go back out there. It was embarrassing, like I'm older, I'm supposed to be the more collected one right? She looked disappointed but didn't try again. I got worried I hurt her feelings but I just couldn't get myself to do anything to make up for it. Hopefully it's just a learning curve, I'm not used to those kind of touches. 

 

I do think I like her, or at least I will like her more soon. Like I said, people  think we have great visuals together. San has never really said anything about what he thinks, but because it’s him I'm not too worried about it. He just might not have anything strong minded to add yet and that’s why he’s quiet. It's been weird trying to get used to her always searching me out after class and during lunch, but it's nice in some ways to feel wanted. On Friday she asked me why I never walk her home after school and I was like, ‘it's January… it's too cold for me to go there and all the way back to my house.’ I think that was the wrong thing to say because her friend started laughing. But I’m right it is too cold! Then San (the asshole) threw me under the bus saying ‘you walk with me all the time,’ and like YEAH because you're my best friend… I think that was ALSO the wrong thing to say based on the way San laughed (it was that same pity laugh he always does whenever he can read me but refuses to share). I’ll see her again this weekend and hopefully I won't do or say as much wrong this time. 

 

Anyways, very exciting stuff happening in the Yunho-sphere this week and I just HAD to tell you. Honestly even before opening it, you were the very first thing I thought of after she handed me that letter. Also you're the only one who isn't here everyday so I feel like I can rely on your opinion more. 

 

I hope you’re doing well and I can't wait to hear what you make of this all. I'll be sure to keep you updated! 

Your Yuyu

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

“Oh.” 

 

The shadow looming behind him grew darker, weaving its way into his lungs uninvited as he choked. Once again it tapped heavily on his shoulder, gaining the momentum to push it all out, filling the corners of his vision like smoke. Even as his heart beat faster, completely out of his control, he turned. Finally looking in the direction it pointed.

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

Notes:

I'm desperate to know what you think

<3

Chapter 5: Part 1: Waiting

Notes:

5.2k

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

✮ Put Me Back Together - Weezer ✮

I'm alone in my room, I don't know what to do

When I fall down, you put me back together

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

February passed. 

 

No letter found its way to Yunho’s door. The shock of it all felt hollow in his chest. It was clear to pretty much everyone that he was freaking out, acting more withdrawn socially, not responding to texts even as he checked the mailbox everyday after school. There was a first for everything of course, but Yunho knew in his gut that this was just wrong. Something was wrong. He tried his best to wait patiently, but as march crept along with no word the pit in his stomach grew exponentially more consuming. 

 

Yuhno was almost entirely sure he hadn't done anything to chase Mingi away. They were both so clearly secure in their relationship that it boggled his mind the younger wouldn't come to him first if something was weighing down on him. What possibly could’ve been happening in his day to day that was so all consuming he couldn't find the time to write? All this time, had he been misinterpreting his importance in the system of Mingi’s coping mechanisms. As much as his common sense rejected it, that single thought stewed to the bone, spiraling to the bottom until he could see no other excuse that didn’t fall back to him. The more he turned it over, the more he sorted through his mind and their shared history, the more lost he felt. The only thing he could see he had done wrong was the fact that he’d broken their schedule. Maybe he was just waiting for things to reset, evening it out to respect their normal schedule before sending another letter? 

 

Yunho couldn’t help but feel a deep sense of displacement. Abandoned wouldn’t quite be the right word, at least he knew that much. Yet Yunho could still feel his heart beating even if its rhythm was heavy, the choking clunk against his sternum something he’d never experienced. Remaining slow and lethargic even as he slept, waking up each morning with just a little less composure behind his smile. He carried on out of obligation, not wanting to have anyone else worry for him. Actually fearing for someone to ask, terrified for another person to hear the thoughts ricocheting off the interior of his skull. They had become so distorted, barely even sounding like his own as he silently spiraled out of control. He still kept up on his school work, making sure to function inconspicuously enough to pass off as normal while in the public eye. Unfortunately Yunho wasn’t as good an actor as he gave himself credit for. 

 

It all came crashing down the second week of March. As much as he hated to admit it, he’d finally lost control of his brain. The organ confiscating all the hope left in his body, releasing the tension until he felt frail, his will crumbled and weak. The lack of sleep had caught up to him with a sickening vengeance, the fleeting few hours he’d been granted each night stockpiling in the open space between his shoulder blades. The mass of coiling energy intermittently short circuiting as it tried its best to run through the length of his body. 

 

His mom came home from work to find him sitting in the dark living room. He didn’t have it in him to bother with the lights once the world started to dim, mindlessly watching as the sun set through the kitchen window. “Alright. That's enough,” she huffed, dropping her bag to the floor and flicking on the overhead lamp. Yunho squinted, pupils not ready to adjust to the light or witness the way she frowned, her shoulders sagging at the sight of him. She plopped herself down to cradle his face and for the first time Yunho realized there were tears in his eyes. “Don't cry honey,” she shushed him gently. Her voice was as kind as her gaze was sympathetic, yet the worry that had been harboring within her the last few weeks was too strong to stay fully hidden. “I'd ask what’s wrong but I think I can assume this has to do with Mingi, hm?” She nodded, mirroring Yunho’s movement as he slowly let her in. ”Then go on, tell me about it.” 

 

Yunho took a shaky breath, pitiful enough to involuntarily snort at himself, flopping over onto his mom’s shoulder. She lightly wrapped an arm around him, leaning them both back to rest more comfortably against the couch. Her soft hand took his, placing them in her lap with a little squeeze. Giving him another moment of silence to stay hidden, just barely rocking them back and forth as her manicured fingers lightly drew a pattern over his knuckles. “I don't know what I did,” he whispered. His voice was quiet but he knew she heard, tilting to the side in order to kiss the crown of his head. “I just don't understand why he didn’t write back.” 

 

“Well,” she breathed, an old sort of wisdom weaving into her words, like she had been holding them close to the surface just waiting for Yunho to crack. “There are a lot of things that could’ve happened Yun. I know how important he is to you, so I know just how hard you've been trying to keep this in.. But have you taken a second to think about how this might not have anything to do with you, or something you may or may not have done?” She reassuringly squeezed his hand again, the steadiness of her shoulder and light floral zest of her perfume helped to ease his tight muscles. But no, he had not thought about that. Yunho took a sharp breath in through his nose, sniveling to keep it from running. 

 

“If it was something else he would have written,” Yunho shook his head from where it was still tucked against his mother. “He always comes to me when something is wrong, I’m his, b-best um, best friend,” he could hear the pout in his words as he stuttered through them but still didn't appreciate it when he heard his mother coo. She sat herself up and pulled him to sit, grabbing both of his shoulders to give him a playful little shake.

 

“Okay then let's say it does have something to do with you,” she leveled him with a serious look. Yunho usually hated when she did that, but could appreciate the way it almost always came with unbridled honesty. “You can't know what you might have done wrong until he tells you, there is no way to know so it's not yours to worry about until then. As hard as that is to sit with,” Yunho grimaced, even if the words make sense it left too much room for uncertainty. “Yes you can worry about him and what he might be going through alone, but you can't blame yourself for anything unless you know what there is to apologize for. It’s his responsibility to tell you that,” she finished more sternly, the advice not falling on deaf ears.

 

“But what if he never writes to me again?” He felt his lip quivering, biting down on it to stop himself from voicing out the rest. ‘What if it’s ruined. What if he hates me and who I am and never wants to hear from me again? What if I made him uncomfortable, what if he doesn't need me anymore? What if he found someone else? ’ “I really don't like this feeling mom,” his voice bubbled, feeling impossibly small as his breath started to rush away from him. 

 

She sighed, nodding with a type of understanding that made Yunho feel transparent. “I don't think you’ll let that happen, will you?” He stewed on it, she was right but nothing about it felt that simple. “Your relationship is too strong to just end,” her inflection brought him back a bit, actively listening again as a new confusion set root in her inflection. Yunho frowned, resolutely nodding regardless. He would write again, hell he had already threatened to do it once a few years ago and everything about that still stood strong. He knew that, his mom and San knew it. Most of all Mingi knew it. “Just give him some more time okay? I’m sure he will tell you what he's going through once he’s ready, you need time to figure out what you’re feeling sometimes too, right?” Yunho huffed, his mouth forming a sideways frown as his mom patted his cheek. “Now come help me make dinner, I'd rather you be getting in my way than know you're in here sulking at the wall,” that got him to crack a tiny smile, nodding lightly as he let her much smaller frame hoist him off of the couch. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

“Why the long face?” San cut in, dropping his lunch next to Yunho’s and sliding into the chair beside him. Yunho turned to him as he felt the kindness of San’s hand rubbing over his shoulder blades, he had always appreciated that from his longest friend. The physical comfort that was usually enough to encourage him to respond, opening his mouth just as the younger’s face soured. Only then noticing how truly tired Yunho looked. 

 

“The same as it's been alllll week,” Haeun whined, dramatically waving her hand in the air as she leaned forward to shift around Yunho’s other side and practically glare at San. The two boys both frowned, glances catching before they looking back at her. San clearly felt the way Yunho stiffened as she tried to take his hand, gaze flicking down to see it placed over his on the table. He’d gotten better about it over the last month and a half, no longer flinching or pulling away the second their skin touched. But it was still hard to look San in the eye when Yunho knew better than anyone how well he could read his body language. “His stage five clinger ‘pen pal’ still hasn’t written to him,” she snorted sarcastically as her friends chittered from across the table. Yunho had never moved faster, snatching his hand back this time with truly no remorse. She looked at him like he was crazy. 

 

“What the hell,” San’s voice grew stronger, more firm than he’d normally allow. The downward tilt of his eyebrows was enough of a tell for Yunho to know even without feeling that his skin had flushed all over with heat. “That’s such a shitty thing to say, Mingi has been Yunho’s friend since before he knew you even existed,” Haeun looked at him indignantly, cocking her head like he was the one exaggerating. “No seriously, he knows Yunho better than you ever will,” San almost spat, looking her dead in the heart to deliver the choice words he’d probably been silently hanging on for weeks.

 

It felt almost like Yunho was outside of his body, floating above his head watching the scene play out. San was so angry, nostrils flared, staring at his girlfriend with a heat Yunho only had the displeasure of witnessing a few times himself. She certainly looked put out as well, scowling with a deep set pompous sort of arrogance. Like San was the idiot to think anyone could know Yunho better than her. But a lot of people knew him better, it was no secret that he had always kept Haeun at a distance for one reason or another. Yunho watched as her friend’s whispered to each other, looking between her and San, their eyes lingering on him in the middle before flicking back. Haeun’s hand wrapping back around his forearm was enough to snap him into his body again. Her nails unpleasantly pinched his skin as she tied tugging him closer.  

 

“That's literally not true,” Haeun bit, looking up to Yunho as if San was telling some hilariously inaccurate lie, as if the two of them had an inside joke he could never be privy to. Yet San was right, she didn't know much about him and she definitely did not know anything about Mingi. Yunho’s throat felt dry,  eyes frozen to the spot she was touching him. “Right Yuyu?” He cringed, his body tensing as he tried to swallow around nothing. 

 

“Yun you okay?” San’s much softer voice murmured quietly by his ear. It was like a lifeline, his body decalcifying enough to crack from its mould as he mechanically turned towards his friend. 

 

“No,” he answered honestly, voice much steadier than he anticipated. Nonplussed, indifferent in a way that raised more red flags than Haeun could ever realize. She squeezed on his arm again trying to pull his attention back to her.  He moved away without a second thought. “Excuse me,” he muttered vaguely towards the table, quickly getting up. San shot him a worried look but he let it go the second their eyes met, they could talk about it later. Right now he didn't know what he could do other than run away, needing to be alone before he split further in half or ripped his girlfriend a new one. Ignore his surroundings to barrel out of the room even as she called out after him vaguely concerned.

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

By the last week of March Yunho was practically sick to his stomach from the second he woke up until he was finally able to melt into his sheets and find a touch of restless sleep. He had given Mingi time to write and he hadn’t. Yunho just couldn't sit with that. It had been eating him from the inside out and would’ve probably kept on devouring until he was empty if his mom hadn't put her foot down. She practically shoved him towards his desk, sternly telling him to write it out. Making the very astute observation that if it was anything else, he would have already processed it by writing to Mingi a whole month ago. He hated to admit she had a point. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

2017.03.27

Min,

 

I miss you. 

 

Not hearing from you has been weighing on me a lot, I've been worried something bad might have happened to you. I know I'm not owed a letter, it's just that my mind can't quit thinking of every horrible terrible thing that could have kept you from writing to me on time. Like were you kidnapped? Captured by pirates as the Princess you are. Did you break all your fingers so you can't write? Did you get really sick? Or did your mom get sick? (I hope she’s well). Maybe school was just so stressful that you forgot? Did you get in a car accident? Or did your house catch on fire? Maybe your post office had a mice infestation and had to shut down for a month. Is it crazy that my no. 1 hope has been that your letter was just lost in the mail and all of this was a silly misunderstanding? 

 

But unfortunately I think the most likely option is that it's because of me. That I did something that made you want nothing to do with me. I'm sorry if I did that. I don't want to purposely guilt you at all by writing my feelings out, obviously. I just don't know what else to do. It's your choice and everything, but I'll be mad at myself until the sun burns us all alive if I'm the one that made you hate me.

 

Anything I did wrong I want you to tell me so I can apologize correctly and never do it again. Even though I can't really think of what I did wrong, I promise I never did it to hurt you. I would never do anything to hurt you ever Mingi. I hope you're okay and I hope you aren't in pain at all, especially because of me. Please respond to this if you can, either way I'm going to keep writing during my month until they ban me from buying stamps and then some because I'll just steal them from my mom. 

 

Believe it or not, she actually just physically sat me down and told me to write to you. It's not that I wasn't already planning to do that, it's just that she said ‘whenever you're like this you just write to Mingi and you feel better,” and she was right. I always lean on you when I'm feeling like this so I figured this shouldn't be any different until you tell me to get lost or something. I actually do feel a bit better now that the thoughts aren’t swirling around in my brain and are concretely down on paper. I’m realizing now more than ever how much I appreciate you for that.

 

Maybe you just needed some personal time, which I respect. Hopefully you were up to something fun and important and you'll tell me all about it when you can! Or maybe you were having a hard time and didn't want to ask for help? You can always ask me for help, Princess. I just can't help but wonder why you didn't at least tell me you would be gone. 

 

So even if it’s to tell me off, you can cuss me out and I’ll try to get lost. Please just let me know you’re okay. I need to know. 

 

Either way, I’ll talk to you soon,

Your Yuyu

 

(ps. I've been imagining this is what our grandparents felt like seeing their husbands go off to war. You're my husband in this scenario btw. I'll be by the window waiting~)

(pps. Don't freak out, but this is my number x-xxx-xxxx. I just hate to think there was a freak reason you couldn't write but you might have been able to text or call. No pressure obviously, we don’t need to change things up I just wanted you to have the option.)

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Yunho slid the sealed envelope into the open mail slot with a feeling of finality. A prevalent itch still tickled his fingers as he tried to calm down. Forcing himself to focus on what they had, that it was stronger than a few missed letters. San looked at him gently as he turned around, patting his back as Yunho gave him one of the least convincing smiles he’d ever seen. At least he was trying, a long exhale leaving his lips as they started their path back to school. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

2017.04.24

Hey Yun, 

 

I'm so so sorry for worrying you. I don't really know how to say this. I've been through like twenty five pieces of paper trying to find the words but I've decided the best way is just to be honest. It’s all just kinda caught me off guard. 

 

Yunho I think I’m gay. 

 

It’s not your fault that I didn't respond to your letter. I don't have a reason. I know I messed up our schedule too but I genuinely feel so bad for not saying anything sooner and making you sit with the silence. Sorry you were so worried. I was a bad friend for that. 

 

I get it if you are weirded out now and don't want to talk to me anymore. I guess that's part of why I drew out sending this letter, knowing you probably will think differently of me. I promise I'll find a way to understand if that's what will make you the most comfortable. I really don't want you to think I was lying all this time, I think I only just connected the dots these last few months. I don't really know what this means for me so I definitely don't know what it means for our friendship either. Our relationship means a lot to me, I’ve never had someone like you to care for me or even worry when I've been missing. I truly feel so grateful but I also don't want to make you feel awkward. I won’t even let there be a chance for you to resent me for it in the future. I guess I don’t really know what else to say.

 

I hope that you have grown to like Haeun more over the last few months, she sounds like she could be good to you if you let her. I'll be glad if she can make you happier than you already are. 

 

No pressure to respond, just know that you’ll always be my best friend.

Mingi

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Yunho’s eye sockets burned. A fresh tang of metallic blood flooding his mouth as he bit down harshly on his lip and chewed. The words in between his fingers were exactly what he had been craving for so long, but it hurt to read Mingi talk like that. Like him being gay changed anything at all, there was no way he thought Yunho was that kind of person. The stationary crinkled at the sides as he reread it, not fully in control enough to be gentle with the paper. 

 

Gay. Mingi was gay. 

 

The perpetual tightness of his throat was quickly replaced by an odd weight sinking deep in his stomach, it sloshed as he leaned his elbows on the counter. What was this in his chest? Guilty maybe? For assuming the worst, for making Mingi feel bad that Yunho felt bad, that Mingi was clearly processing all of this alone. 

 

Or worse, maybe he didn’t want help? Didn’t want Yunho’s help. Mingi had his number and still didn’t use it. Yunho hated to think why when all this time it had become just another place he’d been hoping to see him appear. Seriously, what was he thinking? Keeping all that to himself, holding a terrified burdensome fear that could have genuinely disappeared with a snap of his fingers. Yunho could never hate him, especially for something so simple. Besides, it was already a part of the person he loved. Even if it had been hidden under the surface that didn’t change a thing.

 

How could he make Mingi see behind the wall he built? To reinforce and rebuild that trust between them. He let the what if’s spiral, staring blankly at the letter as lines blurred together. Yunho tried not to focus on himself in this, it was far easier to worry about Mingi than to try and decipher the icky pinches and prickles skittering over his skin. The heat of his ears in itself was difficult enough to ignore, throbbing like the blood was trying to burst out and leak down his body. To shower him in a sticky heat that needed soap and hard scrubbing to wash away. 

 

“Yuyu,” Yunho jumped as Haeun’s hand gently came in contact with his lower back. He had all but forgotten she was standing right next to him the second he stepped inside to see Mingi’s handwriting sitting on the kitchen counter. They were meant to be studying together, his book bag already haphazardly thrown to the floor. Unfortunately for Haeun there were very few things he wanted right now other than for her to leave. Mingi was one of them. He wanted Mingi, needed him to know he wasn't facing this alone, that nothing in the world could make him shy away from having a gay friend. He wasn't that kind of person. “Oh, so your ‘pen pal’ finally wrote back?” She cooed maliciously once having his attention back. He blinked away the mysterious burning sensation at the back of his sinuses. Watching her tilt to the side, vision playing her actions in slow motion as she reached to take the paper from his hands. 

 

Yunho harshly jerked away from her, shocking them both as he took a full step and a half back. She scoffed at him, crossing her arms with a displeased click of her tongue. “Don’t touch that,” he spoke back very low. Even in his heightened state, he could hear the deeply uneven timber of his voice. “And don't talk like that just because you don't understand it. It makes you look dumb,” her mouth dropped as her eyebrows did the opposite, shooting up to hide under her bangs. “And unkind. I don't like it when you act like that towards me or my relationship with Mingi.” 

 

“Relationship?” She scoffed, sharply pushing out a mock laugh. “You don't even know him Yuyu! You've never met him and I'm right here! You've spent nearly all of our relationship worrying more about him and his stupid letters than you have ever thought about me!” She was practically stomping at the close, the outburst loud enough to draw Yunho’s mom out of her office, popping her head in the kitchen. “I mean seriously Yunho, you're supposed to just be thinking about me not some guy who is practically a stranger,” her jaw jutted out as Yunho stood stilted in shock, the weight of the paper in his hands growing heavier with each breath he took. 

 

Just like that, he could see her transparently for the first time. Witnessing the true disdain she had always held for Mingi. His mind pulled up the facts without being prompted, the way she soured whenever Yunho spent his weekend with San or his brother instead of her. How she interrupted whatever conversation he was having to place herself in the center of his attention. Begging him to walk her home only to inevitably drag him inside as he tried to leave. A new omnipotent beam of light rained from the sky, spotlighting everything he had been too busy worrying about Mingi to recognize. 

 

Frowning, he opened his mouth. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

2017.05.29

Min! 

 

You literally cannot imagine how happy I am to have heard from you. I am so sorry for so many things, the first being that you had to wade through these thoughts alone. I’m glad you probably at least had Wooyoung, it settles me just a hair to know you weren’t completely on your own.

 

Mingi I feel so ashamed that I obviously didn't give you a good enough impression of myself. It's terrible to think you assumed I’d stop being your friend just because you’re gay. Are you kidding? I think that’s great! I think everyone should think that’s great and I am honored that you trust me enough to know. Who else have you told? Do you mind if I tell San? I haven't yet because I knew I should ask you first but he’s got lots of questions and I don't want to tell him anything you don't want him to know. Obviously no pressure, he can go screw himself if that's what you choose! 

 

Oh also Haeun and I broke up. It just wasn't going to work. I think I knew it from the start but wanted everyone to be happy without thinking through what would make me happy too. And honestly she said some pretty hurtful things that I wouldn't have let anyone say to me or about our relationship friendship and in the process totally invalidated my feelings. I had to break up with her, there was no other option. Even if she apologized profusely (which she didn’t even try) I wouldn't have been able to come back from it. Honestly, ending it like that was probably the most decisive thing I have ever done. I fully trusted my gut and I’m 100% positive it was the correct choice without a regret. I think you would have been more proud of me than you would’ve been hurt by her words. She just couldn’t understand why you are so important to me and she let that jealousy stew in her until it exploded. I can't believe I didn't see it coming. But don't worry, as long as I know you are okay, then I'll be okay. (and honestly I don't think San ever really liked her that much)

 

But can we please go back to writing as normal? I'll beg if I really have to, Princess. I'm not joking. I miss you so much that I haven't been sleeping well. I feel sick, have felt sick, thinking you might not want to be my friend anymore. Or that you’d already replaced me with someone better who can be more present for you. As much as I wanted to detest the idea of whoever it was, all I knew was that they were so so lucky to have you. No matter what I wasn’t lying when I said I would write to you until the day I die, I hope you know that. That's how committed I am to you. 

 

It made me realize how ridiculously lucky I am that I get to see San every day, that he is always at arms length. It’s hard to be so far from you, at least for me. Do you agree? I’m always catching myself fantasizing about how life could be if we were always side by side. I think it would be good like that. There was such a huge empty hole in my chest that nothing could fill, even San’s company wasn’t enough. Genuinely, there was no other way to patch up that space. Even though it’s normal that we only hear from each other once a month it was so hard to adjust to. 

 

Everyone tried their best to cheer me up, like my mom even went so far as to buy me a new video game (crazy). But it didn’t even work! I just missed you too much!! What did you get up to otherwise, I hope you weren’t as distracted as I was on my end. That you were resting well and eating enough. I can only imagine how much this is shifting things in your world, I hope at least I can stay one of the constants you keep. Like I’m pleading for you to lean on me. 

 

I'd like to say I've stayed active on my end, but I really haven’t. School has been whatever, classes are classes and my clubs are clubs. I’ve been having a hard time focusing so I’ve been slipping just a bit. Honestly, I want to tell you how I've been more candidly but I don’t want to make you feel like any of it could ever be your fault. None of these last few months was really your fault, I just couldn’t help my thoughts from getting away from me to the point where I struggled being present. You are so consuming to me, I think about you all the time even before our little ‘break’. It's silly too cuz it’s rarely ever important stuff. Like ‘huh , I wonder what Mingi had for breakfast, I hope he didn’t wake up late’. That’s a lame example but it’s true, you’re very fun to focus on. 

 

All in all, I really hope you know I'm saying this to express how much you mean to me, not to guilt you. If I could somehow shield you from ever feeling even a single ounce of discomfort I would. Princess treatment wouldn’t even know what hit it >:}

 

Thank you for being able to talk to me again, to trust me and to share yourself. You are the favorite part of my month and the best addition to my life that I could have ever prayed for. The blessing of your friendship is irreplaceable. 

 

I’m always just a moment away, 

Your Yunho

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

 

Notes:

<3

Chapter 6: Part 1: Awake

Notes:

3.9k

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

✮ Dream - Al Green ✮

Dream the stars down from the sky

Dream without knowing the reason why

Just dream, just dream, oh dream

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Inevitably things did go back to normal. After a few particularly stern talkings too by both his mom and Wooyoung, Mingi could finally admit that he was the one holding things back after that letter. Second guessing everything he wanted to say, rewriting over and over as he thought himself into a hole, newly so worried about how he’d suddenly be perceived. But of course Yunho accepted him. He was dumb to assume anything else and even dumber to think Yunho would give that reassurance and not mean it. He just had this deep seated hold up, an internal ghost telling him there was no way anything like that could last, so much so that it became an out he reached for the second his anxiety got the best of him. He only had the research to back up two relationships in his life lasting more than a school year and Yunho was the only one he felt like could slip away from him. Wooyoung wasn't going anywhere, that much was clear. He was glad, but it was still easy for them both to recognize their friendship was inherently different than the one he’d built with Yunho. 

 

Wooyoung was usually right there, next to him in class, during lunch, on his way home from school and there to talk with the next morning. At his apartment on the weekends or bothering him over the phone. Mingi had never realized this was what friendship could be, having someone who lived just a few streets away that genuinely wanted to spend their time with him. While Yunho had shown him that vulnerability first, Wooyoung had put it into action. Never letting him be alone when he needed someone the most. He was hit with that realization soon after he’d spent a month and a half crying on his shoulder over the possibility of Yunho hating him. Choosing not to rub it in when Mingi was wrong or invalidate that fear even while he knew it was just down right impossible. 

 

Wooyoung got to be on the outside looking in as Yunho wedged himself into Mingi’s every waking thought. Smiling to himself anytime he saw Mingi with a new letter in his hand or bent over a paper of his own. While his pen pal never became more than that, he couldn't help but coo that his friend of all people got to be that lucky. Telling Mingi how he was the most deserving of it, that it was just his time with the universe to meet someone like Yunho. And himself, obviously. He never let Mingi forget it.

 

When they both got into the same university Mingi had cried like a baby. Running to meet each other halfway, the two of them jumped in circles while hogging the middle of the street, their acceptance letters in hand.

 

“Well we have to room together,” Wooyoung said once they’d finally calmed down, sitting next to each other on the curb as they soaked in the spring sun. 

 

“Really?” Mingi looked at him quickly, face wide open. “You really want to?” Wooyoung nodded exaggeratedly, slumping to the side to rest on the taller’s shoulder. 

 

“Duh? I think if anyone could put up with living with me you've proven yourself by now,” Mingi snorted, lightly shoving him off to stick out his open hand. Wooyoung looked down at it with sarcastic scrutiny until Mingi jutted out his chin in a silent threat.

 

“Shake on it,” Mingi demanded. Wooyoung laughed, light beaming from his cheeks as he finally took it in his own, shaking it once aggressively before intertwining their fingers, both falling into giggles. 

 

“Mangi we are going to be someone’s worst nightmare,” Mingi just nodded, his own grin so long lasting his cheeks were starting to burn. 

 

“Wouldn't want it any other way.” 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

 2017.09.18

Yunho, Yun, Yunnie, Puppy, Yuyu, Yunhoooooooo,

 

This just in! Mingi has made it to college (this is my new address). I really hope you're doing well, I miss you so much and I know this is just the new normal we will have to get used to but I'm so excited to see where this takes each of us. There is so much I want to tell you now that I'm more settled so buckle in! 

 

First of all, how are you? Are you holding up well? How is the new roommate? You'll have to tell me all about him. I know it kinda sucks that you and San had to be in the three person room but hopefully the other dude is cool. What was his name again? I think you said Seonghwa, right? Sorry I suck lol. How are classes? Do you like your professors? Have you made any friends? Is the food okay? How are the dorms? Are you too tall for the shower head? I know I am in my dorm.

 

Okay if I don't stop myself i'll write twelve pages of questions and not a single thing else. I just need to know! Call me cat because the curiosity is killing me. ugh that was so lame sorry lol

 

I’ve been experiencing something unusual these days internally. As you know, I used to get so scared that I’d always be alone. That since I’d never learned how to be around people so no one would ever give me the time to figure it out. But now it just seems so silly? Which is a good thing! Don't get me wrong. Here at school there are suddenly lots of people who want to be in my life, enough so that now I actually have to pick and choose who to give time to. I guess that worry has just fully flipped, now I'm nervous I don't get to be alone enough, that there are too many people looking for me. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not quite used to being around people all the time. I'm realizing more than ever, and I wouldn't ever say this to Woo, but you’ve always come first to me. Maybe it would be different in person, but I find that hard to believe. It's nice to feel like people like me but I find myself daydreaming over what it would be like for you and San to be here with Woo and I instead of your school in Seoul. Then I wouldn't have to choose who else to spend time on because everyone I’d want to be around would already in my pocket. 

 

At first I was a little worried about living with Wooyoung. Of course there was the fear we would end up hating each other, but I think that was dumb, I doubt I could ever hate that loud idiot. On the other hand the more realistic fear was that we might be a little too codependent with each other. After a month or so of being here we've kinda figured it out I think. We have totally different classes so we are around different people all day. He has his friends and I’m slowly pushing myself out of my shell to make some of my own. So apart from the first two weeks we haven’t been attached at the hip which I think is good. We only have one day where our schedules meet up enough to eat lunch together, it's great to have at least one time a week where I can meet all of his new friends without it having to be a whole planned hang out situation. It’s also made it extra nice to come back to the dorm each day to a face that reminds me of home. 

 

Also Woo has started seeing this guy (already I know, I know. But whatever he’s really nice to him so I’m letting it slide). I’ve already spent the night alone in the dorm a few times. I was afraid it was going to feel lonely but I don't know, I guess it just made me feel like an adult? Or at least more independent than I thought possible. Like yeah, did I just do school work and watch a movie? YES. But did I do it alone without feeling out of place? Also yes! Plus it’s fun to see Wooyoung all giddy like this. At home he was never interested in the guys and girls there, he always said ‘you’d feel the same if you’d seen every one of these motherfuckers every day for the last twelve years’ which like.. okay fair… but seriously not even one little crush ever? I don’t have the experience to know if I’d feel the same. I know you dated a few girls so probably not, but did you ever feel like that? So it's cute, listening to him gush about him and be all mushy. I'm really happy to see him happy.

 

As far as I'm concerned it’s not really dipping into any of our personal time together and it’s giving him something to think about other than the stress of school. I guess I’m kinda jealous in that sense of things, but luckily that’s what I have you for.  

 

Overall adjustment wise, I keep feeling like if anything is holding me back it's myself. I still have such horrible anxiety that sometimes I can't even think. It was the worst during syllabus week. I was so grateful to Wooyoung because I really felt like I was gonna crash and burn after each class. Seeing everything we were meant to do all in one sitting was so overwhelming. It felt unattainable and that thought alone made me certain none of it was worth it. But I know it is, I just hate having to convince myself it's true. I brought all your letters with me as well, I still read them often. Maybe it's juvenile since a lot of what we wrote was from when we were like sixteen but you always knew just what to say to help me. I rely on that a lot. Sometimes I feel like I might not be as good at supporting you as you are to me, but it's just something that I could never take for granted. It's almost like my brain has been keeping a catalog of the reassurances you've given and will flag whatever thought pattern is getting in my way in the index of my Yuyu filing cabinet to find the exact letter where you already soothed over that worry. I really couldn't do it without you. 

 

One of the only other worries I have outside of school that I can't quite shake is that my mom might be lonely. I call her and text her all the time, actually last week she told me I should be calling her LESS which.. rude.. but I just worry. I know she's an adult but it was just me and her for so long that I don't want her to feel sad like I was as a kid before I found you. The worst part is that I know she would never tell me if she really was.

 

Do you think you’re living life to its fullest? I feel like it wasn’t something I ever thought about until recently. I mean sure it hasn't been long since I was truly a kid and I’m sure things will change for me again, but lately I feel like maybe I sort of have been. I’m really really liking my classes. A lot of them are gen eds but the one music production class I'm taking makes me really thankful that I took what you said to heart all those years ago. You were right, I should be pursuing what I like to do. I’ll probably never say it to her… also because I can already tell in the long run those classes are going to be a drag… but my mom was right about me doing a minor in business. Music can and always will be the focus of my education, but this way I can actually do something with it. Besides it’ll be much harder to lure me into a bad contract when I know what's actually going on without a lawyer present lol

 

I keep having these almost spontaneous moments of reflection, like I know it's cheesy but every so often I'll just be sitting in class, or on my bed or in the quad with some of my classmates and think ‘I can't believe this is where I’ve gotten myself.’ It's not that I didn't have hopes, but I just never really thought they could be actualized in such a way that made them feel almost easy? They never felt attainable when I thought of them so now that they are here it's like, I have to appreciate them or else they will disappear. That or I'll think myself sick that they could turn to shit at a moment's notice. I have you to thank for that, a lot of my confidence and my ability to cope with the anxiety I can't quite get rid of leads back to you. Not to repeat myself but really, I think the only thing that could make this better was if I could have you here with me. I know school will get harder and I'll have to work really diligently, but I just can't help myself from being in awe of how thankful I am. I really hope that you're feeling that way, Sannie too. If not, I want to give you a little of mine, you deserve to realize it too.

 

My intro to lit prof gave an assignment this last week asking us to draft a bucket list. The thoughts it's brought up for me have been more than interesting, making me think about stuff deeper than what I have in a while. I’m realizing that I did so much future planning throughout high school that almost all of the goals I made for myself are no longer looking ahead but happening right now. I had never really thought of them as short term goals because really how can we know how fast life will pass until it's already gone. It’s a smart assignment really, this is probably the main reason they are having us do it. Yeah we could just make it silly and I definitely have a few stupid ones on there, but it's forcing me to think about the future. Making it glaringly obvious I had come to a stand still without even realizing. I've decided I think it’s way more fun to do it this way than to have a dumb ‘five year plan’. Without a time limit it all seems so much more accessible. 

 

The first thing I thought as the project was announced to the class was of you. Meeting you is first on the bucket list. But I'm learning my lesson, I've made a sublist of bucket items for just the two of us so once we finally DO get to meet we won't be standing still in our joint path. I’m sure you want me to share them but I won't >:} you'll just have to wait, call it an insurance plan if you want. 

 

I'm trying to think of what else to tell you. There are just so many new things going on that I think it's inevitable I miss something…

 

I really like the library here, it's old and smells woody and there are a lot of nooks and crannies for me to shove myself into. There are also a lot of studio spaces in the arts building that I can reserve. It's making me feel like a big wig producer already even if the rooms are just 5x5 soundproof boxes that I couldn't even lay down flat in if I wanted to. Gotta start somewhere I guess. There are a few other people in my production class that I think I will get along with once I can crawl fully out of my shell, but for now I'm enjoying hearing the work they bring in. 

 

Oh, and I've started going to the gym! Woo keeps teasing me but honestly he's kinda right when he says it's just because I feel awkward about going to the smoothie place in that building without being there to actually use the facility. So whatever, I still get my smoothies in the end~

 

I've joined a few clubs, mostly because that first week Wooyoung forced me too. Apparently otherwise I ‘would never leave the room outside of class’ and that I ‘needed to create better social habits’ or whatever extrovert no anxiety bs he’s always preaching. But I'm glad I did because it really is showing me a new side of things. The older I get the more I realize how moving around so much made me feel so easily detached from things. I guess being forced back to the ground has been good even if it is disgustingly hard. Also I never really thought there would be clubs that I enjoy? Wooyoung is a dick /lovingly for pointing out that is exactly how people who like ‘that nerd shit’ make friends… the bastard. The first club I joined was a manga and anime group that I think you would really like. There are only like seven of us so far but I think we are going to really get along well. There is also a club surrounding music, most of the people in my classes go as well as some upperclassmen and then a bunch of orchestra kids. I think that my love for hip hop might put me at a bit of an overarching disadvantage with that crowd but who knows, I might learn a lot from them. Did you join any clubs?

 

Unfortunately, I won't have as much time to write now and I'm assuming it's going to be the same for you. I know we already briefly talked about this but why don't we just aim for three or four times each school year? Or just whenever we can even if it's a double letter. I want to know everything you have going on though so maybe just write back to this one really really super duper speedy fast and then we can even out from there. I feel really secure in this with you. I think maybe a year ago it would’ve been harder not to worry that I’d done something to make the letters come less frequently, but this bond is something I've never felt with anyone before.

 

Oh also, I know this is a long time coming and I probably should have given it to you sooner but here is my number x-xxx-xxxx. That way if there is an emergency you can reach me quicker, I know I’ve had yours saved for years. 

 

I hope you’re adjusting well and say hi to Sannie for me,

Mingi

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Yunho waved from inside the photo booth, head quickly ducking back as the curtain closed in front of him. Peeking through the slowly opening partition, Yunho smiled up. It was jarring, the kind that made your stomach feel so fuzzy there was a rightful fear it might actually burn straight through your inner lining. “Well there you are,” his voice seemed almost distant, staticky like it was coming through a thin pane of glass. Not quite in line with the bright light shining out of his squinted heart eyes. “Come on in,” he scooted over, making as much room beside him as possible on the small bench. It was a tight fit but Yunho didn't seem to mind, settling as his arm reached around to fully close the booth off from the outside world. His long fingers brushed over the screen to scroll through options. Yet the reflection quickly gave away that he was not truly looking. He froze as he was caught, giggling before his slender fingers wrapped around the one pressed against his. 

 

“Sorry,” he almost whispered, the light blush staining his cheeks too pretty for his own good. “It's just that, I don't know,” he sucked in a deep breath, blinking once before turning back with more certainty. “I think I like you. And I think I have for a really long time,” his free hand reached up, cupping a cheek. Yunho’s palm was warm in contrast to the subtle chill of his fingertips, pressing confidently to equally flushed skin. He looked assured, as if there was no way it wasn’t mutual as he began to shift forward. “And I think you always have felt the same too,” he whispered as he moved closer. Then closer still as he fluttered, head turning slightly to the side. He looked back once more, checking for any rejection before diminishing that last distance. 

 

His lips were lingering and plush, the slight chapness from his habitual biting lost in translation as he pulled away just a hair. His breath hitched before pressing forward again with even more force opening his lips just a bit further, deepening the kiss in the most dizzying of ways. Time almost stopped as he shifted his body impossibly closer, the hand touching a cheek now grazing through short hair. 

 

Yunho took a deep and heavy breath, his eyes opening lazily as his lips split into a breathtaking smile. “I’ve always wanted to do that, Princess.”

 

Mingi woke with a gasp, the room around him was dark and quiet except for the sound of his ragged breath. What was that? He closed his eyes tightly, the image of Yunho's disastrously peaceful face hopefully paused in front of him consuming enough to make his stomach lurch. 

 

“Oh fuck,” his sleepy vocal chords rasped, quivering at the edges as his hands shakily lifted up to touch his dry lips. “WOOyoung! Wake- wake up!!” His voice would have sounded groggy if it weren't so panicked, picking up his pillow to chuck it at his roommate's slowly stirring body. With a shocked, long inhale through Wooyoung nose he finally perked up, his head lifting from his pillow to turn in Mingi’s direction.

 

“What?” He whined sleepily, slowly rolling to his side. It only took Wooyoung one look at the outright shock and horror on his face to be sat up at attention, scurrying over the side of his bed to jump up onto Mingi’s. “Minnie what's wrong?” The urgency in his own voice skipped over his half awake eyes to take on a rushed instability.

 

“HE KISSED ME!” Mingi practically yelled, his whole body shocked as Wooyoung’s squinted back at him. He frowned, trying to analyze if this was as much of a code red situation as he thought. His shoulders sagged a bit as he yawned. 

 

“Bitch, who?” Wooyoung jabbed back, the bitter indignance of being woken up in the middle of the night finally setting in. 

 

“Yunho!” It was clear by the face he made Wooyoung was not connecting the dots on his own. “In my dream,” he hissed, hands starting to shake as he felt the temperature of his skin rise. “He kissed me in my dream,” his roommate groaned, flopping back onto Mingi’s mattress and shuffling under the blanket. 

 

“Finally,” he muttered, snuggling himself against Mingi’s thigh. Eyes already starting to close. 

 

“FINALLY?!” he squeaked, the small body tucked against him letting out a cheeky giggle. “Wha- Wooyoung. What do you mean finally?”

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

 

Notes:

hmmmm gay dream alert!

<3

Chapter 7: Part 1: Surprise

Notes:

4.1k

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

✮ Just The Two of Us - Bill Withers ✮

I see the crystal raindrops fall

And the beauty of it all

Is when the sun comes shining through

To make those rainbows in my mind

When I think of you sometime

And I wanna spend some time with you

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

2021.05.17 

Princess!! 

 

We did it! Graduated on time and everything my beating heart be still. I'm so proud of you! I know how hard you’ve worked and how much this degree has eaten away at you but I knew you could do it. You never let me down ;) all the music you make is so good, any artist you work with in the future won't know what hit them, you'll dominate the charts just you watch.

 

I have some exciting news myself… I GOT THE JOB! Well I got my second choice job, not the one for the big time news source but the smaller one writing local news for my neighborhood. I'm still so so excited. The interviews went well for both but I could tell pretty instantly that the bigger paper was looking for someone a little more, I don't know, like moldable? Like someone willing to basically do intern work for a year before they ever get a chance at hitting the streets and reporting. Apparently I came in a bit too “strong headed” but the second paper really liked that about me! They said it was great to see someone who knew exactly the type of work they wanted to be doing. Granted I'm going to have to work my way up the ladder before I can actually work on the stories I'm most interested in, but that's to be expected in news. At least I won't be getting coffee for people against my will. I really can't believe I did it. Like, I really set my mind to it and tried with everything I have, but the industry is so small that I'd be lying to say I didn't constantly doubt my place. When they called me back I almost passed out, I genuinely checked the caller id twelve times just to make sure it was actually happening. Hello?? ME? Jeong Yunho’s name is going to be printed and distributed. In the city no less! 

 

Apparently my senior advisor wrote me a really strong recommendation letter, I'm very thankful. Actually this reminds me I should probably write her a thank you letter. Whatever, you first. 

 

The excitement to start has me restless so I’m already in the process of moving. Actually this is the last letter I'll send from this address, meaning once you've gotten it know that I’m more or less settled into my new place. Unfortunately that aspect has been going at a snails pace . We are taking a bunch of small trips just because I’m refusing to pay for movers, so I don't have much furniture here yet. I'm sitting on the floor using the windowsill as a desk, can you tell? But my mom was so excited when I told her, she instantly dropped everything to come to Hwa and I’s apartment to help me pack boxes. I think there was some part of her that worried ever since I declared my major that there was no way I could support myself. Not that I couldn't do it, but that I wouldn't be able to financially be independent. This salary, it's not much but it's more than enough to get by. She cried when I told her over the phone and it really pricked at something in my heart, that she could feel so relieved by my success.

 

The apartment is TINY. like tiny, tiny. My tall ass barely fits through the doorway and I have to do a backbend to get under the shower head, but hey, it's mine! On my own for the very first time, it’s still so crazy to think I'm old enough for that to be a possibility. Honestly sometimes it feels like I just got to high school, I’ll look around and almost not be able to recognize the life I've built for myself. Not in a bad way, but it's just weird, shocking. I guess I never really dreamed big for myself like that. Yes I always saw myself working in Seoul and always hoped I’d have people around me who I love and care about. But I never spent much time thinking about the details. I didn't care about how I would be dressing to make an impression, I definitely didn't care about matching plates and finding a rug that doesn’t clash with the couch. It's all these small things that make me feel so out of place, I guess I never realized how simple my plan towards happiness was. 

 

But it still feels a little hollow. I can't quite place it, but under all this excitement is a horrible grating monster screaming at me about how much I hate these kinds of transitions. I know it's an adjustment but I'm scared that once the novelty of being an adult wears off I'm going to feel so alone. Moving into this place also made me realize how much style Seonghwa has, like damn all the cool vibes of our last place stayed with him once all my stuff was packed up. Genuinely, it barely made a dent once it was all gone. Maybe I'll have to force him into lending me some ideas so I don't look like I'm living in a prison cell. But I shouldn't complain too much, I found a spot close to work, there is a CU in the building across the street and I can walk to a park in about five minutes. I am so lucky these days, Seonghwa still has an internship to finish and then he will be moving to the city too. I feel really glad that he AND San will both be so close. It will help with that once the craziness falls into routine. Only if you could be here too… 

 

Jiyeon and I broke up. Personally I like to think it was mutual but every time I tell S&S about it they always shake their heads. Like the two of them are keeping side eyes in business. But it just wasn't going to work! I moved further into Seoul and she went abroad for an internship. I know we were together for like four and a half months, she’s so nice and I did enjoy spending time with her but I have too much happening to put the effort into keeping that bond alive. She understood when I brought it up, she kind of scoffed when I pulled out my pros and cons list and the cons were way, way longer. Seonghwa slapped the back of my neck so hard when I told him I did that. I guess I just didn't think about how that might hurt her feelings, it's just how my brain works. But it's true there were SO many more cons.

 

It's hard to admit because I know it's shameful but the worst part is that I don't even really feel that bad or like I lost all that much. I don't know what it is but the second there is a little space between me and whoever I'm seeing I just lose that spark. Whether it’s interest, time or just the will to do the work I don’t know. That always makes me feel like a bad person because it happens way more often than I’d like to admit. I just don't know how to change it. Genuinely, I’ve tried everything to keep myself from pulling away from these relationships I find myself in. It just never sticks. Maybe someday…

 

Last week she texted me asking if we could call once she was settled. It was framed like a ‘looking for closure’ kind of situation but I knew pretty instantly that wasn't the case when I answered and her voice was so determined. She immediately asked if there was any way I’d give the distance at least one good shot before calling it quits. I was caught off guard because I was under the impression that I had made myself so crystal clear at the end of things. It sounded like she made her own pro con list because her voice was trying to be so persuasive. I’m sorry but if you feel like you need to be persuasive about a relationship not ending that isn't setting anyone up for success. It was honestly fucking annoying. But so many of her pros were genuinely on my con list. Again I think I hurt her feelings by answering ‘no’ a little too fast, but we had already had that conversation. Why would we need to again? She just isn’t a part of my life that I’d have the time to put in the excessive amount of effort that the distance would need in order to flourish. We had a lot of fun this last year and physically we were super compatible, but I never found myself initiating anything. I’m not sure about her but it's not like I was ever in love with her. Ugh, the whole thing made me feel so guilty but I have so many more important things to focus on right now.*

 

I don't know why I say yes to these girls when they ask me out. I know I always suck at liking them back, but they keep coming to me and I keep going along with it. The only time I’ve ever genuinely heard Seonghwa raise his voice was while cussing me out for acting so out of character the second a girl is involved. It sucks because it's true. I know I'm a good friend, that I love you three with my whole heart and I’d go out of my way the second I sensed any of you might need help without being asked. It just never translates romantically. He brought you up too. It genuinely painted such a clear picture and I really need to leave these destined to fail relationships alone. You've made it so clear that I CAN give my full energy to someone from a distance, yet when it’s for the girl standing right next to me, all that will shrivels up to die . I always try to explain to them how different it is but there is no way for me to ignore his point. I just don't know why they keep asking me out if they all know my record of struggling to invest. Sorry that rant got away from me, I guess I needed to get it out to someone other than San or Seonghwa when they are already generally so pissed off at me about it. 

 

Anyyyywayyyyssssss life is good on my end. That aside, I’m happy and have such a bright outlook on where my future is going to take me. I think about the same for you, I genuinely can't wait to see where your degree is going to carry you. You have such an immense talent Mingi and you'll always have a fan in me. I'm excited to hear how you and Wooyoung’s graduation ceremony went, I can't even imagine how much your moms must have been balling. 

 

Let me know when you’re settled in the next steps, I'll keep sending you mental energy to make sure you stay lifted. Just remember no matter what you deserve good things and that your talent and portfolio speaks for itself. These studios will see that, the power of your work is unignorable. You're going to be such a success Princess. 

 

Love,

Your Yuyu

 

*(Okay reading that back, maybe I’m an idiot to think it was mutual. And also I miiiiggghhhhttttt have been a bit of a dick about it.)

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Eight days later, Yunho had finally carried the last of his moving boxes up the two flights of his walk up apartment. Winded he whipped away the sweat accumulating on his cupid's bow, pushing his hair back as it stuck against the dampness of his forehead. Hearing the faucet turn on he shuffled into the kitchen, shoulders sagging from the perpetual effort his back had just suffered trip after trip as the trunk of his car was emptied for the last time. San was running his face under the water, tap flipped out cold as he gripped the sides of the sink. Yunho snorted, realizing it wasn't a half bad idea as heat still licked up his cheeks. 

 

The water in his hair flicked across the kitchen as San stood up with unnecessary force. “What am I ordering for dinner?” Yunho asked watching as a drop ran down the opposite wall. A small puddle started forming by his feet as San shook out his hair like a dog. “Dude, just take a shower,” Yunho scoffed, unable to stop himself from still smiling as San humphed. 

 

“I will once you put up the shower curtain and I'm done sweating,” Yunho nodded, not arguing the logic as he moved a box off one of the chairs tucked beside the kitchen and sat down. 

 

“Fair enough,” he mused, shrugging as his feet felt the instant throbbing relief of his butt finding the stool. “Food?” 

 

“Naengmyeon,” he answered just as curtly. San looked at him with a glint Yunho couldn’t quite place, long and calculated before pursing his lips. “Mingi sent you a letter,” he knocked his head in the direction of the living room. Yunho perked up, whole body turning as his eyes zoned in. San snorted a the graceless way he rushed off his seat, almost tripping over two boxes to scramble his way over to the stationary. The younger had left it quite neatly on the coffee table Yunho had shoved up against his small couch. The one his mom had generously pulled it out of her dusty basement for him. He wasn’t going to complain, couches were expensive. “Smooth bro,” he called back, Yunho waved his words away not even looking back as he plopped down. “I'm using your phone to order, Hwa said he'll pick it up on his way.”

 

“That's fine,” Yunho dismissed pretty instantly. “Such a fast turn around,” he mumbled to himself, gently tearing along the seam of its pretty pink envelope. Mingi had switched to using this stationary sometime in the last year, the lacy pink bubbles and clouds suiting him just as well as the blue kite and balloon pattern he had run through before that.

 

“What?” San called to him, glancing up from the phone he apparently already knew the passcode to. 

 

“Oh I was just saying that it was a fast turn around, I wrote to him like last week,” he quickly glanced up out of impulse, barely registering the way San was watching him before looking back down. “No biggie,” he slid the paper out, not hearing the other’s response as Mingi’s penmanship took hold of his senses. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

2021.05.30 

Yunnie!!!!!!!! 

 

I’m SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU. Ugh you and your big beautiful brain, of course they were going to hire you are you kidding? Hearing your excitement really rubbed off on me. Maybe you sending me all that mental energy really worked because I've felt more motivated than ever since I read your letter. 

 

Okay there is so much to say but you are not going to believe this. The reason I'm responding so fast (other than the fact that I graduated and am currently in free time no man's land and also always want to talk to you) is because, one, I got the job. Like THE job. Yunho I got the fucking job. We will get back to that because somehow that feels less important than TWO. I’ll be based out of the sister studio to the one in Seoul, it’s where they usually put the newer producers which I had expected honestly, I had already preemptively started looking at apartments in that area (and also signed a lease the day before writing this). BUT if this is your permanent address.. Yunho we only live forty minutes away from each other by train and even LESS by car. Yuyu do you know what this means? DO YOU?? Yunho can we please meet? 

 

Only if you want to of course. Like fuck, just the thought of it all feels so surreal. Getting this job is really, just such groundbreaking news for me. I truly feel so shocked even though I know how hard I worked for it. I called my professor immediately and all he said was ‘I knew they would see you, I knew they would want you.’ Oh my god I cried so hard and he just LAUGHED at me. No one directly witnessed the hell I went through besides him. Like you and Wooyoung obviously knew, but this professor was right there the whole time. Pushing me so fucking hard, always singling me out in class and forcing me to work harder and reach deeper than my classmates. But all that pain, doubt and frustration paid off. I respect him so much and to know he sees my success and recognizes the fact that I DID that. I don't even know how to thank him. 

 

There was this overwhelming sense of relief that came with it too. I didn't realize until that exact moment how much I had been holding on my shoulders, how much I was anticipating failure. This studio is notorious for only taking on new producers once every few years and being painfully difficult to catch the attention of. Especially as someone with so little real world experience. But they still chose me. ME! I feel like I’ve never come out on top like this. There are so many things I’ve dreamed of and craved to be the priority of. To be the one to come as more than a side story, to be picked based on what's always been in my heart. I had grown so accustomed to thinking I’d never be ‘the one’ in what I truly wanted. Of course this is only one of the things I want but getting here makes me doubt myself so much less. That maybe the other things I crave can actually be more than just a laughable goal. I’ve never had the chance to meet this kind of success head on, it feels like I'm dreaming and can't wake up. Honestly if this is all a dream, being hired and getting to live the closest to you that we’ve ever been, I never want to wake up. 

 

How do you know what success feels like? Because at this point it almost feels too surreal to accept. I don't know how to live in a reality where I’ll be doing what I love in an environment I always assumed would be out of reach. Like what do you mean the studio I've been following since I was fifteen spent thirty minutes listening to my music and hired me on the spot? It was almost jarring, I actually asked them ‘really?’ when they put a contract in front of me. They laughed, which I guess is good even if I wasn't really joking. They ignored my anxiety and just paid attention to my work, that was something I was so fucking scared of. That they would ignore my talents just because I couldn't keep my voice from sounding strained. Hopefully they will continue to ignore it until I feel like my feet are back on the ground.

 

I couldn't have done it without you Yunho, I truly hope you know that. And don't you dare try and deny it, I can practically feel you shaking your head right now. You have built me up so much over the life we’ve shared that I genuinely don't think ANY of this would have been possible without your undying support. Wooyoung teased me one time that he was going to make a WWJYD bracelet. As much as he was making fun of me, there was an undeniable amount of truth to it. I always ask myself ‘what would Jeong Yunho do’ when I need to dig myself out of a hole. But I don't need a bracelet to remind myself, that moment of reflection is permanently cemented to my frontal lobe. It’s been so deeply ingrained into the way I think and process the fears I have that it only takes a second until your pretty face is popping into my mind.

 

Did you ever wear one of those WWJD bracelets? Like are they real or just kinda a jokey thing? I’ve always wondered that.

 

The apartment I found is a bit further away from Wooyoung’s than we originally wanted. But we've accepted it's pretty much par for the course with where our jobs are. Honestly I think in the long run that won't be a problem once we break it in, he already mapped out the bus route and everything. It won't be that hard to see each other if we meet halfway. I think I will be lonely at first like you said you’d be, but I’m still in so much shock that it's hard for me to even think about the fact I'll be alone for the first time in ten years. For so long my biggest fear was never feeling like I belonged, that I would always be on my own. Somehow against all odds the love you and Woo have built for me let security actually take root, no ‘if’s’ or doubts that there could ever be a possibility that I’d be forgotten with distance. That makes me strong and most of all means that I’m lucky.

 

I never thought the industry would see me as special. But now I am being accepted with open arms somewhere so out of reach for so many musicians. Like what the fuck! Is this how you felt? I'm so proud of you for everything you have already accomplished, obviously I knew one of these papers would see you for who you are. Genuinely print media doesn't know what's about to hit them. I already bought a subscription to the paper btw. They have just gained the most loyal reader to exist this century. 

 

But in the midst of everything, I feel so distracted. Like all the success and relief I felt being offered that job is half hiding in the shadow of maybe getting to see you. I can't help the perpetual buzz flowing through me, like meeting you, having access to you in real time is standing in front of everything else. Isn't that kinda stupid? I got my dream job, the one I always saw as a pipe dream but here I am more excited to have the prospect of being next to you. That is if you want to. I don't want to pressure you or anything but I have the feeling you’ll want to see me too. Not to deviate too much but when you get this maybe just text me so we can plan something? I just feel like it would be a lot easier to jump back into the twenty-first century if we’re making plans lol. I assume you still have my number? 

 

I hate that I’m feeling a bit insecure that you might not want to meet when all these years we’ve talked about how right it would feel. But please let me down gently if you aren’t interested. 

 

See you soon?

Your Princess

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

“Your Princess?” Yunho practically jumped a foot in the air as Seonghwa’s voice rang gently in his ear. San laughed loudly, turning the corner with the take out Seonghwa must have arrived within the time he had been re-reading Mingi’s words. Yunho quickly folded the letter, holding it to his chest as Seonghwa slid over the back of the couch to quickly throw, then retract his arm around his shoulder. “Eww sweaty,” he scootched another inch away. 

 

“That’s what you get for being nosy,” Yunho scowled back at him, gently handling the stationary as he slid it back into its envelope. The sour look quickly melted as he met Seonghwa’s round, sparkling perception. Clearly just as excited about the words he was able to catch before interrupting Yunho’s repetitive thoughts. 

 

“So you'll finally get to meet him?” Seonghwa mused, a giddy grin melted into his trademark boxy smile. The one that effortlessly showed off his top and bottom row of teeth. 

 

“WHAT!” San screeched, freezing in an awkward half squat as he moved to sit beside the coffee table. His eyes jumped between the two of them, looking for any sort of clue to land on. Seonghwa’s grin widened as Yunho let out a disbelieving, shell shocked huff. “Ohmygod” San gasped. “OH MY GOD!” Yunho finally let himself giggle, a hand covering his mouth as his shoulders hunched in, cheeks burning red hot. He couldn't quite pinpoint exactly what he was feeling, but all that barely mattered.

 

He was about to meet him. Mingi. He was going to meet his Mingi. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

 

Notes:

shits about to get good! part two is so much fun~
<3

Chapter 8: Part 2: Together

Notes:

7.3k

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

✮ Birds of A Feather - Billie Eilish ✮

I knew you in another life

You had that same look in your eyes

I love you, don't act so surprised

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

It would be a lie to say that over the last two and a half weeks Mingi had been both feeling and acting totally cool, calm and collected. A lie to say he had an easy time stepping on the train to Seoul and definitely a lie to say he wasn’t absolutely shitting his pants over meeting Yunho. He knew realistically everything would be fine, but then again, what if it wasn’t? 

 

What if this ruined everything? Forced their illusion to grow frail and crack, shattering the bond they’d so painstakingly built. Having to stand there and watch it evaporate around them like smoke. It would kill him to think of Yunho as a friend of the past. Just the idea of no longer contacting each other or mindlessly wondering what the other was up to at any given second made him sick to his stomach. He tried not to ruminate on it, but those thoughts were hard to fight,

 

Texting Yunho for the first time felt silly, thrilling in a way that flushed him full of teen spirit. A giddy surge shot up his spine at the first glance of Yunho’s name pinging onto his phone screen. Mingi had set the silly picture Yunho sent along with that first letter as his contact image, all the other photos he’d included over the years not making him giggle half as hard as fourteen year old Yunho did. It was more nostalgic that way, far easier to ignore the heat filling his stomach any time he flicked through the most recent additions to his growing collection.

 

It was interesting to think written words could feel so strange when packaged just a touch differently. Odd, to say the least, when his immediate response was met with an equally instant reply. A hum of excitement lingered intrusively as each message after that met the same fate. It was pretty jarring to glance at the clock and realize their frankly all consuming back and forth had brought them from six pm all the way to two in the morning. As much as he was shocked, he’d barely felt the time pass. When he asked Yunho the same thing, he was just as caught off guard to see how late it had gotten. 

 

They didn’t talk about anything particularly important, but there was something about the access that seemed to addict them both. It was Yunho that first, rather petulantly, addressed the fact that they could have been doing this since high school. Mingi snorted, trying to ignore the flutter of his heart, that somehow Yunho felt the same and was so utterly open to addressing it outright. He was well aware of the danger that thought process could take him, the simmer of desire rattling against his ribs fighting to speak through the cracks, but he just couldn't stop. His feelings were genuinely unignorable on a good day, larger than the cavity of his chest and practically pulling his brain through the holes of his ears. There was no way to change it now that he was in his phone too. He couldn't help but wonder how it felt for Yunho, he just wasn't quite brave enough to ask.

 

Unfortunately, Mingi fearfully recognized that just because they were still compatible in another form of written communication, face to face was going to be a massive jump into the unknown. He hadn’t felt quite this anxious about meeting someone new since the day he started his freshman year. It was funny to think Yunho had been a part of that too, some sort of divine reckoning making sure he could never forgot his roots. 

 

When the train lurched to a stop, he had to activate every ounce of willpower floating in his body to actually stand up and collect his belongings. His eyes felt dry, too wide like he hadn’t blinked a single time since he shot out of bed a few hours before. The tendons running along his jaw felt sore as he rolled his jaw. He stretched the hinge a few more times, trying to loosen them from the continuous clench and grind around nothing. Mingi ran restless fingers through his pink hair, trying to smooth over the place he had been twirling and tugging on throughout the trip. Still, against his better judgement, he found himself mindlessly moving forward with the rest of the crowd. He focused solely on expanding his creaky lungs as far as they could in, reaching to slow his heart from escaping through his throat. 

 

A steady breeze brushed over Mingi’s cheek as he touched down on the cement platform. The bumpy yellow caution strip lining the ground seeped up through the rubber soles of his sneakers as a man behind him bumped their shoulders. Sidestepping the crowd to scan the station, it didn't take very long for his focus to land on Yunho. Mingi felt a small involuntary gasp leave his parted lips, shocked to find Yunho’s gaze already steadily fixed on him, piercing as it sparked off his own like a match. Mingi felt a bolt of electricity strike his heart, insides pulsing hard enough to almost bring him to his knees. The fluttering in his stomach rang out, louder than the noise of the station as it turned white around him in an amalgamation of blaring silence.

 

Mingi realized right then and there, without a shadow of a doubt, there was no longer a way to turn back time. Whatever feelings he thought he’d harbored for the other would never hold a candle to the way it felt to just see him in the flesh. Yunho was everything he could have imagined, everything he did imagine. Nothing about him stuck out as contradictory to the mental vision he’d been building since they were teens. When Mingi finally blinked back to reality, he was tilting his head, waving him over as excited energy flooded every corner of open space in the room. Yunho’s grin was so content it sent a prick of moisture to stir along the brim of his lids. Mingi could feel it, the marvel forming on his own face. Morphing into a look so pitifully awestruck that he was sure it gave his feelings away immediately. He was so fucked. 

 

The train moving forward behind him was enough to startle out a bit of action, the stirred air urging him another few steps onto the platform. It also clued him in on the surprised realization that he was suddenly standing up there alone, his overnight bag scrunching the collar of his shirt as it took sole responsibility of keeping his feet attached to the ground. 

 

“I’m nervous,” he felt his lips moving before his brain could intervene, speaking from a good twenty five feet away. Mingi bit down on his lip, feeling dumb even though it was the truth. The moment he stepped down from the platform was the second he realized for the first time ever, they were close enough to touch. But if he did touch, there was no way to know what could happen after. All the anticipation and feelings he’d harbored over the last decade pushed unbearably against his joints as Yunho’s slightly worried composure softened. 

 

“I am too,” Yunho easily admitted with a light nod, his view not straying even an inch. Mingi melted, the humble confession floating his body forward again. Mingi needed to hear his voice clearer, to finally know just how close all his fantasizing had gotten him to the real deal. When he found himself another ten feet closer, everything froze. Mingi knew it was dramatic but everything felt big, like too much was riding on this moment for him to tackle all at once. To tackle it all alone.

 

“What if I ruin everything?” He asked much quieter, holding just enough power behind his fear to be heard over the bustling station. Yunho snorted, a light sound coaxing Mingi another step forward. He saw a life raft in the distance of his mind, white knuckles loosening marginally as he got the first true taste of Yunho’s laugh. 

 

“You won’t,” He reassured without a second thought, nodding definitively. And just like that Mingi’s heart settled. With a snap of his fingers, like always, a single one of Yunho’s sentences had the power to dig him out of his pit. Within a second Yunho was standing directly in front of him, smiling down with the force of a thousand suns. Mingi couldn't look away, being here, in the ray of Yunho, it didn't matter what he felt the second before or even the hours, days, years that had gone by in waiting. Here, holding Yunho’s gaze, it was exactly where his life had always wanted him to be. 

 

“Promise?” Mingi asked childishly, flicking briefly away as Yunho closely scanned every inch of his face. He got caught a few times, on the mole under his eye, maybe a bit shocked by the fact that his hair was suddenly bright pink. Yunho’s eyes trailed along his sharp brow, falling to rest over the bridge of his nose. Mingi watched as Yunho blinked heavily, almost like a reset as he pulled away from Mingi’s plush lips, eagerly returning to his waiting eyes. He stayed quiet, a strange sense of understanding pushing him to give Yunho his own moment to adjust. 

 

“Always,” he whispered, the purr of his tone tender as it washed over the younger’s chest. Mingi wasn't sure that he’d ever looked at someone like this, struggling to pull away from the vast galaxy swirling around Yunho’s large eyes. Yet he still reached out, shockingly the first brave enough to bridge the gap between them. He gingerly wrapped a strong hand around Yunho’s bicep, he was so warm and so, so tangibly real. The other jumped a fraction, like he too felt the electricity pouring from Mingi’s palm, tingling through the expanse of his arm. The last thing Mingi expected was for the cool touch of fingertips to brush over his cheekbone. He held his breath as Yunho’s vision trailed behind the invisible line, carefully shifting to cup Mingi’s cheek. His thumb followed the pattern, tender as it stopped to rest just below his eye. For the first time they fluttered, the utter vulnerability of Yunho’s presence was encapsulating. His body so genuinely overwhelmed by the action’s intimacy it was almost impossible to label any of the other feelings rapidly cycling through the preexisting catalog of outright devotion. 

 

Mingi leaned into the touch, like a kitten he couldn't stop himself from craving even more. His hand left Yunho’s arm to shyly snake up and around the back of his neck. He paused only to push out the rest of the air perpetually caught in the pit of his lungs, losing that last reserve before taking the final step forward. In less than a second he was shamelessly melting against Yunho’s chest. Mingi giggled, relief lifting a weight from his shoulders as Yunho’s large hand shifted to rest protectively over the base of his skull, leading him to tuck even further into his neck. Yunho’s other arm wrapped around his waist like Mingi might try to escape, which was comical in every sense. He wasn’t going anywhere. The way his entire anatomy reacted was almost painful, the comfort and rightfulness of it all consuming as his body naturally took the deepest breath of maybe his entire life. The smell of his skin was absolutely intoxicating to his feeble resolve, a light powderiness mixed with pollen, musk and something so individual to the warmth of his skin. So cripplingly Yunho. Mingi wondered if he could get high on it, tucking himself just a tad deeper as he breathed again.

 

“Hi,” Yunho’s voice carried softly over the top of his head even as they rumbled through the Younger's tightly held body. Mingi squeezed him a little harder as Yunho swayed their chests from side to side. “Easy trip?” He asked like it was just any other day. Casual, as if nothing was amiss. Almost pretending, like it wasn’t the one thing Mingi had been craving for what felt like his entire life. 

 

“Yeah. I mean, besides the fact I was so nervous I genuinely thought I was about to go into cardiac arrest.. It was easy-peasie,” Yunho laughed, and fucking hell did he want to hear that again. To immortalize it, record and incorporate it with each of his beats, set it as his ringtone, maybe even mark down the frequency and tattoo it across his forehead. Or possibly all three.

 

“Wow,” Yunho mused, the teasing hilt worming its way around the back of Mingi’s tongue, making it heavy as the older pulled away to look at him again. “You’re so brave Princess,” he cooed. Mingi practically choked on his spit as Yunho’s smooth tone glazed over him, his brain capacity flatlining as his body fought itself not to react. That had never happened before. Yunho laughed, definitely at him, but that didn't matter because a second later Mingi was laughing too. Even as gently as it started, he knew by the end they looked crazy. Their voices gradually growing louder as their chests burst like idiots. Leaning over each other as they struggled to stay on their feet, tears catching in their lashes as the world devolved around them. 

 

“Ass,” Mingi snorted as he finally got a hold of his breath. He let Yunho continue to hang off of his shoulder, not really wanting him to be any further away. If at all possible, maybe it would be nice to have him even closer. The older shrugged playfully, silently sliding Mingi’s bag off his shoulder and onto his own. It felt like an instinctual nature for Yunho to link their arms together, walking them towards the station's exit without uttering a word. 

 

It was honestly crazy that Mingi’s subconscious had ever believed there to be even a fraction of possibility that someday, just maybe, he could grow out of what he thought to be a childish infatuation. That notion was lost to time as Yunho filled all the air whirling around in his brain. Really, it had always been a pipe dream. To think this was the sort of crush he could kindly leave in the past, to label it as juvenile, that given the chance it would burn quick and fizzle out allowing him to be done with the constant struggle of its weight. When all it really took was one look to lock in with absolute certainty there was no way in hell these feelings were budging. Especially not when Yunho could barely take his sight away long enough to miss walking into a street lamp, the younger having to tug him away at the last second so he didn’t collide headfirst. Not when he looked at Mingi as if there was no one else left in the world, smiling at him like he was a savior.

 

Yunho’s voice was soft as he spoke. Mingi couldn't help but wonder if this was something reserved just for him or if his tenderness was extended equally throughout the world. There was still so much to learn about the way he was. The surface level things like his height, how slim and broad he was, the glossiness of his hair, huge crinkly eyes and smile that threatened to melt him into the earth every time he caught a glimpse, were all things he could have discern from the most recent picture he received of Yunho in his cap and gown. Of course they were so much more vibrant here than when they weren’t floating stagnant in time, but there was still so much he could have never known without this level of access. 

 

How could he have identified his laugh, the way it jumped up and down in his chest as it escaped, or that his whole body smiled alongside his mouth. How the more his teeth were displayed the tighter his sockets squinted above the apples of his flushed cheeks. It sure as hell didn't take him long to learn how applicable the label of Puppy was. The letters somehow not fully doing even that justice as he struggled to keep himself from bouncing in circles around Mingi as they made their way back to his apartment. 

 

Mingi was almost shocked into silence, barely able to get a word in even if there had been an opening left. Yunho talked like they had only been apart for ten minutes, maybe a long ten minutes, but no greater distance all the same. He left no awkward lulls or opportunities for Mingi to feel uncertain despite struggling to remove himself from the overwhelming awe of his bleeding heart. Maybe that was just how Yunho always was? Mingi needed to find out if that was the case. He'd long since known of his kindness, but this was something else entirely. It was just easy to be in his brilliance, comforting, practically hunting his anxiety down like a predator. Bearing its teeth to bravely chase it out of town. 

 

Mingi felt himself relax with each step they got closer to his apartment, the ring of Yunho’s voice already starting to sound familiar as he jumped from topic to topic. It was still so deranged, to be here, to know his touch and voice. Surreal to the point where Mingi was actively struggling to find a single thing to say, overactive mind keeping his voice stuck to the roof of his mouth. Of course he should have known Yunho would notice the way he slipped inside of himself. As much as he was listening, the thoughts swirling in his head were screaming louder with each blink. 

 

“What’s up Princess?” Yunho asked, a touch of concern wavering through his brow as he looked down, nudging his side with their attached arms. This was going to be a long trip, long life actually, if he couldn't desensitize himself to the sound of Yunho’s soft timber calling him that name. It spiked his blood pressure, the blush staining his cheeks impossible to fend off as he met Yunho’s eye. When he tilted his head, Mingi’s knees just about collapsed. His mouth quickly snapped shut from where it had been mindlessly hanging open, fully caught off guard by the attention even if it had technically been a two person conversation. Collecting himself, he forced the words to articulate over his tongue.

 

“It’s weird,” Yunho pouted, and fuck if it didn't make Mingi just about die. “No,” he snorted, playing it off by looking to check the cross roads before Yunho led them to the other side of the street. “I just mean, well, you're making this so easy,” he bravely tugged him a little closer to his side, making the mistake of looking up. His face was so open, so ready to receive Mingi’s words and take them to heart. “Even in the middle of all my anxiety, I knew it would turn out fine. I just didn’t think it would be so immediate,” he looked away, wondering if that even made sense to him let alone the other.

 

“What would be?” Yunho asked softly. 

 

“I,” Mingi let out a small snort, glancing back at him with a more willful certainty. “Well, for me to feel at home,” if he hadn't had the grace of being so close, he just might have missed the small gasp that caught in Yunho’s throat. The thrill of his impact was addictive. “I mean we’ve barely made it to your apartment and my shakiness has almost completely mellowed out,” he stuck his relaxed free hand out, all five fingers resting steadily without any adrenaline pulsing through their tips. “Yunho I was so anxious all this week. I genuinely almost couldn’t get myself on the train this morning,” Yunho whined ever so slightly, the sheer helplessness of it making Mingi scoff. Hiding a smile he laid a light, teasing slap across the hand around his bicep. “But that’s all gone, you’re just,” Mingi lifted himself, willing the fear away to look deep into his eyes. The way Yunho stared back was so serious, like he might genuinely die not to hear his next words, it was exhilarating. “You’re everything I thought you’d be,” Yunho’s new blush had Mingi smiling a bit more confidently, this taste of the upper hand sweet and easy to swallow. “It’s just good to know, I guess.That you were being just as real with me as I was with you.”

 

“Of course I was real with you,” Yunho almost tripped over himself to say, reaching over and tugging at his ear. Mingi felt time pause as Yunho found just another kind of physical touch to use against him. Honestly he wasn't sure if anyone had ever touched his ear like that. It was such a small thing, but he still had to stop himself from confessing on the spot as Yunho rolled the lobe between his fingers once more before his hand fell away.

 

“I-” he cleared his throat, vocal chords cracking. “I know, but it’s just like... Wow, you’re really here. And now that we’ve met there is no going back,” Yunho smiled encouragingly, clearly realizing he had finally gotten Mingi talking. “What if it had been a disaster?” He asked, knowing it was a fear he had subjected Wooyoung to sit in on over and over ever since they set a date for Mingi’s weekend trip.

 

“Min,” he practically tisked. “I wouldn’t have let it,” his feet came to a halt, rounding himself to stand directly in front of him. Mingi held his breath struggling as he gave in to the marginal tip his chin needed to meet his eyes. Mingi struggled not to look down at his lips when meeting his gaze fell far too piercing, pinned to the spot from where Yunho stood a few inches away. “You’re far too important to me,” the seriousness of his words slowly broke into a smile as he stepped to the side and pulled out a pair of keys. Mingi looked around, taking a deep breath as he realized they’d already made it, recognizing the glow of a CU sign emanating from around the bend. “Besides, I plan to woo you into a lifelong companionship that you genuinely couldn’t escape even if you tried,” he spoke towards the door, fiddling with the knob. Yunho looked back up at him cheekily, his grin equally teasing as it was deadly serious. Mingi crossed his arms stepping forward, looking back up as he brushed past to tap once against his sturdy chest.

 

“No need to threaten me Pup, I think you already have,” it was curious, Mingi noticed a new sort of flicker in his concentration. Expression going wide for half a second before looking away first, turning quickly to fuss with closing the door. Mingi didn’t have the data to back it up, but that was new. A behavior he could recognize externally but refused to let himself analyze, instead smiling softly as Yunho led him up the stairs to his apartment. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Yunho had truly made far too many plans for them. As he settled Mingi down on the couch with a glass of water the list sort of just started spewing out of him. Mingi was doing his best to pay attention, but it was almost too overwhelming to be in the other’s space for him to listen. His vision jumped from thing to thing, cataloging all of the pieces that made Yunho Yunho. From the art hanging on the walls, to the small potted plant perched on his tall standing bookshelf, draping itself towards the sun streaming in through the window. Only in looking closer, did he noticed the small spiderman figurine stuck in the soil, its mask just barely popping over the rim of the pot. 

 

The door to his small bedroom was propped open, granting him just the smallest glance inside. Yunho’s bed was also basking in the sunlight, half made with a blue comforter haphazardly tossed over the mattress. Mingi had to snap himself back, not allowing his mind to explore the thought of how much those pillows smelt like Yunho’s hair any further.

 

He came back to himself as Yunho was five restaurants deep in their possibilities for dinner. He had quickly realized Yunho meant to spend the weekend parading him around to all of his favorite spots, it was cute. The arcade hiding in the plaza a short bus ride away, the cat cafe that was across the street from it. Mingi mentally agreed he would also love to go for a walk through Yunho’s favorite park after hearing him talk about it so often. There was also the manga store that Yunho knew Mingi would be more interested in going to than he himself. Just as he was explaining that there was a new exhibit in the local museum surrounding traditional music, the younger cut him off. 

 

“Yu,” he looked up, pausing the small line he’d been pacing with an open face, almost giddy to have been addressed. “You know I've been to the city before, right?” Yunho huffed, taking a step closer to plop himself down onto the couch, knocking their knees together as he dramatically flopped back against the cushions. 

 

“Yeah but I want to make it extra special,” he pouted, truly and genuinely pouted. Mingi was maybe just a bit too whipped for his own good because all the teasing instantly left his body, utterly taken by the softness of Yunho’s comfort to be with him. Mingi leaned back against the couch too, turning his shoulder to face him directly. Yunho lazily draped his arm over the back of the couch, head rolling in his direction to really committing to the puppy dog eyes. Unfortunately it was working, a bit too well actually. Mingi took a jump, even as his heart beat rapidly he bent his neck, resting his temple against Yunho’s forearm. Time around them seemed to pause, like Yunho was just as surprised by the action as Mingi was, but it felt right. Like a step towards breaking the locked cage surrounding Mingi’s fear. He needed to let himself act like he would with anyone else, of course Yunho wasn't ‘anyone else’ but he didn't have any choice other than to start somewhere.

 

“Do you not get it?” The teasing tone of Mingi’s smirk clearly relaxed Yunho’s body even as his brows scowled just a bit deeper. Everything about him was so dangerously tormenting to his resolve. He swallowed it back down. “It already is Yunho and right now, I think.. Well, I think I’d just like to be next to you for a bit,” he nudged his temple against Yunho’s arm again, smiling earnestly. It was hard to keep himself from relishing in Yunho’s reaction, his body sagging as a tension Mingi didn't realize he’d been so expertly hiding streamed away. He felt long tentative fingers reaching up to scratch at the back of his scalp, Mingi’s lashes fluttering almost instantly. Taking a deep content breath of his own, he didn't think once to stop the low hum building in the back of his throat from escaping. Another second later he blinked back to himself, clearing his throat to back track the path of his words. “Besides, we have plenty of time for that,” he scrambled, fearing it had all gotten too sincere too quickly. Pulling things back, he let the age-old excuse of his nerves take the driver's seat. “You know how I need to take it slow, one step at a time and all that, right?” Yunho nodded, his fingers antsy to get back to tangling with Mingi’s pink hair. “And the first step is letting everything else fall away but you,” he whispered. 

 

In meeting Yunho’s gaze his brain screamed, too much, too much. That had been far too much. The older seemed to get choked up by the overt honesty. Yunho obviously knew him to be nothing but candid, but the full extent of it all hadn’t quite broken out until just that moment. His mouth opened dumbly before closing, large eyes blinking as Mingi mustered everything in himself to not look away. “Yeah,” Yunho whispered as if the hoarse word was fighting to get out, barreling from the back of his gut at breakneck speeds. “Yeah, that sounds good Min. Just us.”

 

“Good,” Mingi smiled, watching as Yunho looked down at his crooked teeth. Something about it made the other smile as well, nodding like he too was trying to compare his own notes with the way Mingi existed in front of him. Maybe they were both thinking the same, feeling the weight of their connection falling into place piece by piece, word by word. Their actions aligned, molten, framing the wiring of each other’s hearts. “And maybe I just want to stretch things out a bit,” he smirked, the flash of his teeth grew wider as he poked at Yunho’s side. The older quickly squirmed away, stealing his arm back to protect himself from Mingi’s attack. “That way I have an excuse to come back,” he masked the shyness with a laugh as Yunho retaliated, leaning over to very gently flick his forehead.

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

They ended up ordering in for dinner. An empty box of greasy chicken bones discarded on the coffee table as Mingi flopped back on the couch. His stomach felt close to exploding but he couldn't have been more content to just rot in place. He watched as Yunho lazily went through the motions of putting on a movie they both knew neither would watch. ‘Background noise’ Yunho had labeled it, and in being a gracious guest, Mingi didn't point out that that’s usually what people play music for.

 

The whole evening had been a barrage of questions flowing between them. Yunho practically made it into an unspoken competition, trying to see how many he could ask in a row before Mingi was able to get one of his own shoved into the mix. It was pretty wild to think that as well as they knew each other and as much as they were talking about things the other could already name the answers too, it was like learning it for the first time all over again. 

 

How lucky was he to be sitting with someone so new and old at the same time. Learning the inflections they were only ever able to guess about, which words were emphasized compared to the ones that fell away. Mingi quickly came to realize Yunho’s way of teasing could often come off as overt flirting. There was no way he was actually flirting, obviously, he was a straight man. But it did paint a clearer picture as to why he had girls constantly falling all over him. That in itself actually told him a lot about Yunho. His most glaring trait being none other than an outright laughable incapability to recognize how his actions were interpreted by the person on the receiving end. He was an open book, it was very easy to tell Yunho loved him, that he wanted his time and utterly cherished his presence. But it was also obvious he couldn't tell how Mingi was in love with him. It was a blessing and a curse, knowing he could skate by without the other getting wigged out by the way he couldn't stop tracing his movements. Ignorant to his eyes vomiting hearts at him from across the couch, trying desperately to penetrate that beautiful, clueless mind. 

 

It was almost jarring, the way Yunho paid attention to him, shoving him under a spotlight he’d never had a reason to get used to. The weirdest part of it all was realizing he loved it. Mingi felt himself absolutely glowing under the attention, that when he swayed one way Yunho’s gaze always followed. Yunho clearly noticed that as the night went on, Mingi became more open and silly. Yet on the flip side, he was pretty sure Yunho couldn't see how much of that was due to the direct effect of his every taunt and giggle. Mingi wondered if Yunho might ever be able to sense what he was hiding, or if in the end it would just die along with him. He paused that thought before it could finish taking hold. It could be saved for later, pulled back out when he had the space to be hopeless and miles away from Yunho’s burning reach. 

 

There was a weird gurgle in his stomach when he finally grew the courage to rest his hand over Yunho’s knee and the other’s fingers immediately wrapped back around them. Squeezing once before carrying on with his story, absentmindedly playing with his rings. Mingi wondered if his heart was beating loud enough for Yunho to hear, it was practically deafening to him as blood rushed against his eardrums. 

 

Not much later Yunho had gotten up to make them some tea, practically talking themselves hoarse as they cataloged every minute of each other's life since birth. Mingi sat in silence for a minute, trying to gather himself as he watched Yunho’s back disappear around the corner. It seemed almost impossible that Yunho was finally all around him. Entering his gut like the micro plastics that would exist inside of him until the day he died, the final part of his body absorbed by the earth.  

 

Blinking back to reality, he scrambled for his phone. He sighed, snorting to himself while quickly scanning over the fourteen texts Wooyoung sent him over the last twelve hours of his phone being on do not disturb.

 

> you better have gotten on that train <

> okay im tracking your location <

> AH! Good job mangi~ <

> it's kinda fun to have your location shared. Its like im watching all my little sims living out their day <

> okay I’m assuming you're almost there <

> send proof of life plz <

> is he as handsome as we thought? <

> i'm really proud of you Minnie I hope you know that <

> you know I take it personally when you silence my texts <

> and you know i’m NOT ashamed to press that cheeky little notify anyways button <

> PROOF OF LIFE PLZ <

> but really you should send me a pic, free excuse to have a selfie together btw. You're welcome~ <

> dude I’m so bored waiting around. like i'm close to dying don't you know you're the one who’s supposed to entertain me at all times… hellooo? <

> no word yet either means ur dead, having a great time OR maybe you’re getting up to some adult activities hmmmm??? >:} <

 

Mingi shook his head, not sure what he expected besides Wooyoung's typical dramatics. He tapped on his last message replying candidly. 

 

> shut the fuck up <  

 

He bit down on his lip hard, searching for the right words to explain what he was going through. What Yunho was putting him through. When nothing came to him, his brain practically blank besides the faint buzz of Yunho moving around in the kitchen and the lingering scent of his cologne, he went for the basics. 

 

> dude im so so fucked <

> he is everything <

 

“What’s wrong Minnie?” Mingi almost jumped a foot in the air, locking his phone as quickly as he could before falling back against the couch with a self-deprecating snort. Yunho giggled, placing two steaming mugs down on the table as Mingi clutched over his heart. 

 

“You just scared me so fucking bad,” Mingi felt the adrenaline float away as his phone grew heavier in his hand. “But um, it’s just Woo pestering me. He wants a picture,” Mingi gave a cautious smile, awkward, not quite sure how the request would be received. Of course, Yunho just nodded, plopping down to sit much closer than Mingi would have expected. The heat of his thigh was overshadowed by the arm Yunho slowly wrapped around Mingi’s waist, pulling him even closer as he leaned in to touch their cheeks together.  

 

Mingi fumbled with his phone, quickly lifting it to snap the picture. It all just seemed so natural for Yunho, striking different poses until Mingi loosened up a bit himself. The closeness felt nothing less than insane, especially because it was once again initiated by Yunho. Mingi knew he was personally a bit clingy, he liked to feel loved, to be mindlessly accessible to the people wanting to take care of him. But Yunho’s utter fearlessness to reach out was somehow so innately different to how it felt when his other people did the same. His presence was hot pressed so closely against his cheek, soft the same way his hand was gentle even as he firmly splayed its fingers to touch a wider expanse of his side.

 

Ignoring the fact that he wanted nothing more than to shift the measly inch it would take to kiss his face, they scrolled through the pictures together instead. Still sitting just as close, their foreheads pressed together as Mingi favorited the best few before sending them to Yunho’s phone. He decided it was best to wait on sending them to Wooyoung, afraid that their chat might pop up for Yunho to see if he clicked anywhere near their messages. 

 

Weirdly enough, as they both sat back the happiness mirrored between them settled everything in Mingi that he felt could ever be wrong. With him, with his life, more importantly with his rampant feelings for the other. It was all okay. Being there with him was as natural as it was to breathe, like they’d never known anything different. As if the two of them had been in that exact same spot, sitting without a single space in between their whole lives. 

 

“My mom would probably love those, honestly,” Yunho said off handedly, his thoughts sounding a bit far off as he looked at his phone lit up with Mingi’s notification.

 

“What, is she going to print’em out and put them on the fridge or something?” Yunho snorted, glancing back to Mingi quickly before ducking away. Mingi was delighted to see how red his ears were. Once again that dangerous spark floated around his guts, more of the ‘what if’ nonsense that would undoubtedly be the end of him.

 

“I wouldn’t put it past her actually,” he huffed, the color of his ears bleeding down towards his cheeks and neck. He somewhat awkwardly cleared his throat, eyes shifting around without landing on anything. “How is your mom by the way?”

 

“Good,” he answered mindlessly. “Oh! She says hi actually,” he thought back to their last conversation, to the joy that burst through her voice while filling her in on their plans. “She was so geeked to hear I was making the trip to see you,” Yunho hummed, a kind smile returning as he finally made the move to shift away, their bodies struggling to separate like strong magnets refusing to disconnect. Inevitably he leaned his back against the arm rest, facing Mingi who shifted to his side, lifting a leg up to sit diagonally. “She's been telling me to do this for literal years.”

 

“Really?” Yunho almost scoffed, a small cloud forming over him that Mingi hadn’t expected to see. 

 

“Yeah, pretty much since we were in college. She always wondered why we didn’t when we clearly could,” he shrugged, it was old news to him. Yet looking at Yunho, it clearly was something jarring to hear. 

 

“Why didn't you say anything about it?” His face was serious but held no animosity. Maybe a touch of uncertainty was lingering along the line of his mouth but it wasn't enough to put Mingi off. 

 

“Honestly, I don't know,” he shrugged, realizing he probably needed to keep going as Yunho’s lips twitched deeper. “We were just so busy and well,” he bit the bottom of his lip, not really wanting to explain, knowing first hand how hard it would be for him to hide the longing deeply interlaced with the truth. But he couldn’t really find another way to explain it without feeling like an avoidant coward. “You saw how anxious I was at the station,” Yunho nodded slowly, yet to break away as he waited for more. “Well I didn't have the, I don’t know, experience? Skills? Whatever. I don't think I’d grown into myself enough yet, I hadn’t learned enough. Does that even make sense?” He let out a small failed laugh, a nervous hand running through the spiky slides of his short hair as his inner voice scolded him for only giving Yunho an outline. 

 

“I think so,” he answered slowly, scanning the jittery mannerisms that always seemed to come in waves alongside each point of Mingi’s vulnerability. “We weren’t mature yet. Still had some growing to do,” Yunho’s soft smile returned, the understanding he sent floating between them soothed Mingi enough to unclench his jaw. Obviously he understood, Mingi was just glad to hear he also agreed. 

 

“I just feel like there is a time and place for everything an it wasn't meant to be yet. Our bond is only going to grow stronger because we’re letting the course of our lives carry us where we need to be,” Yunho tilted his chin, his eyes holding a weight Mingi just couldn't quite get used to. It was soft but sticky like glue, the way he’d graze over his whole existence, covering him in a ray of warmth as his lips fell back into their permanent smile. 

 

“And what if it would’ve never happened on its own?” Yunho countered playfully, engaging in Mingi’s hypotheticals without a lick more apprehension. “Like what if we were both ninety years old and still hadn’t done anything other than write to each other because 'the universe hadn't led us there yet'?” Mingi hummed, sarcastically scratching his chin as he tucked a foot under Yunho’s calf. The near constant mischievousness made him feel like a kid, their voices light and jesting as they took on the role of those two teens they were first introduced as. It was nostalgic for a time they never got to have. Mingi felt endlessly lucky.

 

“I think that would have been too tragic of a love story,” he barely processed his own words before they were being regurgitated right back at him from Yunho’s mouth. 

 

“Hmm, yes. A tragedy of love lost to the postal service,” he snorted, glossing over the literal confession spoken directly to his face. Maybe it was because Mingi’s tone was already tinged with sarcasm that he thought it was just a joke, the reason it flew right over his head. Or maybe he didn't need to address it because that kind of love was a thought he’d had before. Maybe it was because Yunho already felt the same. Mingi swallowed down the jagged edges of hope, reaching for his tea to wash the question away from his tongue. 

 

“I think I would have intervened with fate way before ninety,” Mingi quickly collected himself. “But we already had her on our side once, I never doubted that she would bring us together one day,” Yunho beamed, nodding confidently as he patted the top of Mingi’s knee. 

 

“We were meant to be together,” Yunho’s tender words stabbed him, pulling droves of loving blood from each new wound as he died right there beside him. A tear tickled the back of his nose as his heart throbbed more sticky want out of his chest. He nodded, taking a deep breath before leaning his head against the couch, forcing himself to be brave enough not to shy away from Yunho’s attention. There was no way he got it, and Mingi didn't know what was worse. The fact that he felt so wholeheartedly loved by an emotionally blind man or that he might never know the exact fate Mingi wished for them every night before he slept the last at least seven years. The pitiful plea he made into darkness each night, yearning, asking to give everything else up just to have him as his own.

 

“Exactly.” 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

Notes:

<3

Chapter 9: Part 2: Touch

Notes:

11.7k

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

✮ But Not Kiss - Faye Webster ✮

I want to sleep in your arms but not kiss

I long for your touch but don't miss

Don't want to regret any of this

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

When Yunho came back from the restroom to Mingi politely sitting on his couch, fresh faced in a raggedy ​​Pochita t-shirt and sweats all ready for bed, he got a bit distracted. He just looked so soft. Mingi smiled up at him the same way he had been all night. It was almost strange, the ravaging way it made his brain feel. His insides teetering right on the verge between comfortably warm and far too hot. 

 

There was so much of Mingi that took him by surprise the second he'd walked off that train. The first glaring observation was that his hair was neon pink and cropped a good two inches shorter than it had been in his graduation photo. He had always talked about wanting to dye it once he was out of school, but to see it happen in real time filled him with such an odd sense of pride. That Mingi had made it, graduated and gotten the job of his dreams all on his own. 

 

It was a weird experience, to recognize himself automatically scanning down his body. His eyes analytically catching on each finer detail. Yunho wasn't quite sure he had ever really done that to anyone before aside from the times Seonghwa directly asked for an outfit review. But Mingi was beautiful to look at, he felt equally icky and lucky to have had a full beat to take him in before the other noticed. That he got to see the way his bag slightly tugged his shirt to the side, exposing his collarbone and stack of shiny necklaces. How the strap also wrapped around his side, cutting through to show him just how trim his waist was in comparison to his broad shoulders. His pants snuggly hugged his strong thighs. That was actually what snapped him out of it. Those weren't the kind of thoughts he had, or were not thoughts he could ever remember having had before. 

 

Without so much as a word, he quickly dashed to the hall closet face flushing again just from the mental image. Was it embarrassment? Maybe guilt that made him continue to replay the moment over and over. His world shattering the second he saw him in the flesh. Yunho wasn’t a gambler, still he would have easily put his life savings down on knowing nothing would ever be the same again. It didn't feel like flipping to the next chapter, no, he could feel himself stepping into a whole new book. As terrifying as the idea was, he couldn't help the giddy excitement that hopped around in his chest every time they touched, or even really the resurfacing thought of getting to touch him. 

 

He quickly grabbed the sleeping mat from under his old school bag, tucking it under an arm as he closed the door with his foot and jogged back to the living room. He made quick work of unraveling the mat, getting down on his hands and knees to fluff it out as Mingi continued to watch silently, the small permanent smile on his lips following each of Yunho’s movements. It took him a bit to realize that sometimes he just got quiet like that. At first it really worried him, not sure if he had been overwhelmed or caused some sort of chain reaction in his head. Luckily he was starting to realize that ever since Mingi walked through the apartment door, that silence implied deep thought and a sense of comfort. That his mind was willing to explore internally within the space Yunho provided him, not always needing to fill the air around them with words. When he stood up Yunho didn't wait a second to reach out for Mingi’s hand, snatching it before fully offered and tugging him off the couch to trudge them towards his room. 

 

Yunho plopped down on the corner of his bed as Mingi paused in the center of the room. For all intents and purposes it was the size of a shoebox, lucky to have enough space for even a full bed and dresser inside the four walls. But he still gave him a moment to look around, to familiarize himself with the view of his window and books he had haphazardly leaning in stacks on just about every surface that could less than safely balance them. When Mingi finally looked back his way, he patted the bed next to him excitedly. 

 

“You have to pick a pillow,” Mingi screwed up his brow, sarcastically questioning the antics even as a smile bloomed where the confusion should have been. A clear ‘okay and?’ present in the position of his grin. “So come and test them,” he continued speaking slowly, tone just shy of patronizing. Mingi rolled his whole head, finally stepping forward as Yunho patted the mattress ten times harder, grinning.

 

Mingi laid down with a huff, scooting forward to rest down on the pillow closest to the edge. That one was Yunho’s, but he’d give it to Mingi in a heartbeat if he asked. He’d give him anything in a heartbeat, actually. For hospitalities sake of course, just to make his mother proud. He had to hold back a coo as Mingi’s head fell to the side, eyes drooping slowly as he took a deep groggy breath against the material, pausing to hold it in his chest. He used the exhale to rather ungracefully roll onto the pillow tucked against the wall. 

 

When Mingi didn't get up, simply burrowing a bit deeper into the mattress, Yunho jumped over to his spot like a kid. Settling down next to Mingi as he watched him fighting to keep his eyes open. The younger’s puffy cheek squished up against the pillow as he squinted towards the older’s bright excitement. Yunho saw something, a ticking shiver in his pupils that paused Mingi’s chest. Only a moment later fully expanding his lungs before letting them collapse, his minty breath ghosting over Yunho’s face.  

 

“Puppy,” he muttered, barely decipherable even as his gaze shifted to fill with twinkling stars. He continued to scan Yunho’s face as the older snorted, trying to push away the surprise buzz at the base of his spine. It was as sudden as it was inappropriate. He flopped down on his own pillow shuffling around until he was comfortably on his side, able to see Mingi fully. 

 

“Hey Minnie,” Yunho whispered. The younger hummed, not shifting at all from his relaxed state until Yunho reached forward to poke his stomach. The sudden proximity of their resetting bodies was clearly enough to shock him back to consciousness. Mingi glanced away quickly, coming to realize their faces were resting barely a foot and a half apart. Using the momentum of a sharp stabilizing breath Mingi lifted himself up from the pillow he had silently claimed. 

 

“Shit, sorry,” he creakily sat up, grabbing the pillow to presumably take along with him back to the living room. He didn't get far, Yunho shot his hand out to pull the pillow and subsequently Mingi back to the mattress. He hadn’t wanted him to go, that wasn't what he was looking for at all. He hated the thought of him being out of sight, really. 

 

“No you can stay, I wasn't trying to tell you to go,” he tried to clarify as quickly as possible. Mingi didn't seem to relax as immediately as he would have liked, a fraying worry still holding steady as he looked down, clearly thinking over something he didn’t plan to share. Yunho wasn't quite sure what it might have been, noticing that every so often he’d feel out of the loop in a way that didn’t make much sense. “Unless you don't want to of course, no pressure!” He relented quickly, realizing that face was most likely some sort of discomfort. Yunho vowed to himself right then and there that if he was going to accomplish just one thing in his life, it would be gaining the ability to pick out and recognize Mingi’s nonverbal distress queues. It was pretty public knowledge that he sucked at reading faces, but he needed to at minimum know his anxiety as well as he knew Mingi's penmanship. That would be the best way to take care of him so he’d have to start now. 

 

Luckily, Mingi slowly relaxed again. Shuffling down to nuzzle his head back into the pillow. He was still looking at Yunho with a certain type of reservation, far more curious than it was skeptical. Yet as the seconds went by that look dissolved back to a soft peaceful edge of sleep. “Then what's up Yuyu?” He asked quietly, a whisper falling from his lips like the two were sharing secrets in the pillow fort they would have built together as kids.

 

“Are you comfortable?” Yunho asked instantly. Mingi nodded just as quick, but he wasn't sure the full extent behind the question had landed. “No like, I mean here with me? Um, do I make you feel comfortable?” Mingi hummed without needing a second to think, a sweet dopey smile gracing his relaxed face as he nodded again. Yunho’s teeth felt like they were about to rot out of his skull at Mingi’s following gentle touch, reaching to take his hand and rest them over the sheets between their chests. He kept a loose hold, slowly running his thumb over the side of his wrist. 

 

“I never thought this would happen, Yun,” he admitted, looking at where their fingers tangled together. “Not to be a sap but it all still feels kinda surreal. I’m so happy I’m here, that we’re here,” Yunho’s mouth fell open, the other’s words swirling through his lungs and into his brain, rattling around whatever was left up there before settling down at the back of his throat. In all honesty he couldn't quite figure out why his heart went crazy each time Mingi admitted something like that. That the whole time he had been there his mere presence had been making Yunho's body and mind just a touch too active. The vulnerability was almost addicting.

 

Yunho switched the hand Mingi had grabbed, interlacing them again without a thought. Timidly, he reached into the other’s space. His fingers were weirdly unsteady as they gently brushed a strand of hair away from Mingi’s forehead. It wasn’t particularly long enough to get in the way of his eyes or even obstruct any of Yunho’s view, but it just felt like what he needed to do. Even odder was the fact he couldn’t remember a single time he’d ever done something like that before. None of the actions Mingi drew out of him felt familiar, much like the way his heart kept rapping against his ribcage, trying to escape and rush towards it's place in the younger’s chest. 

 

What clashed with him even more was the way Mingi leaned into it almost subconsciously, humming as his blinks grew heavier still. He couldn’t find the will to pull away, his fingers once again lingering over his cheek bone. Yunho’s eyes shook with the stark realization that this was officially a full time part of his life, that it was a privilege he planned to maintain until it was pried from his cold dead hands. The younger’s eyes didn’t open again, letting Yunho’s undivided attention fall over him as he basked in the privacy of the moment.

 

Yunho’s touch brushed forward once more, tucking nothing behind his ear before trailing down over the edge of his jaw. Mingi shivered as his palm ran goosebumps over a shoulder before bravely coming to rest over his lower rib cage without seeking permission. The tips of Mingi’s ears were glowing red, and was sure that he could feel how intensely he was staring. 

 

“I’m so happy you’re real,” he whispered, just barely loud enough for his own ears. Mingi snorted, his crooked teeth making a brief appearance to smile even as he kept his eyes closed. Maybe it was for the best, that way he only mentally felt the heat of his attention. So he didn’t actually see the way Yunho genuinely could not look away. Awe stricken by his every move, inundated with the very real epiphany that Mingi just might be the prettiest thing he’d ever seen. 

 

“Of course I'm real, idiot,” he snorted, squinting one eye open before quickly letting it snap back shut. Yunho lightly pinched the skin below his fingers before begrudgingly removing his hand to give Mingi back his personal space. He cooed at the small pout on his lips, probably caused by the pinch. 

 

“Yeah. I’m just really happy you’re here,” he finally felt his own vision droop, Mingi’s tranquility just one more thing he found to be infectious. The younger hummed, this time with much less power. It was clear he was finally losing his fight against the late hour, his lips parting a bit as his breaths came slower. 

 

Yunho gingerly removed his hand from Mingi’s grasp, choosing to ignore the pang in his chest as the younger frowned and reached back out. Sitting up he quickly did what he needed to do, grabbing the edge of his comforter to throw over them while making sure his guest was fully covered. When he settled back down Mingi had snuck that same hand under Yunho’s pillow. The feeling of it radiating through the material was almost electric as he laid back down, trying desperately to shush the backwards churning of his mind. The same mind that had been spewing out confusing nonsense ever since he’d walked into the station.  

 

  ✮𓃦𓅱✮  

 

His head was hazy with sleep as his eyes slowly fluttered open to the sun streaming through his bedroom window. They took very long blinks as he registered just how comfortable he was. His pillow felt more firm against his temple than normal but the bed was pleasantly ten times as toasty. He sure as hell wasn’t complaining. His lids squeezed back shut as his toes stretched, mind digging around to try and grab back onto the tail of whatever dream he’d just been having. It was a good one, Mingi was there just like he usually was. The finer details escaping from his hands like sand but the other’s presence stayed so close to his mind it almost felt real. Real. 

 

Just like that Yunho’s chest flew open, a deep shocked breath ripping through his nose. The scent of Mingi’s skin was strong from where Yunho was tucked intrusively by the crook of his shoulder. His entire body froze, cataloging the rest of their position. Somehow he was still on his side facing Mingi who had flopped to his back during the night, his ankle tucked between the other’s calves. He could feel Mingi’s steady breath continuing uninterrupted under the palm of his hand. The one that had quite forwardly snuck itself under the hem of his shirt to press clingily against his soft stomach. 

 

His thumb lightly brushed over the peach fuzz of his lower sternum, skin soft and so inviting to the silent exploration. Yunho didn’t catch up with himself until his morning vision fixed over a hint of black ink lettering along the skin of his hip bone, peeking up from below the band of his sweat pants. His senses fully snapped back as his lazily exploring, greedy fingers brought the subtle feeling of a happy trail to his attention. He pulled his hand away like it burned, not able to tear away even while scrambling to adjust the shirt back down, fully covering his abdomen. A muddy splash of shame swamped over his skin, the room suddenly felt sweltering as he sat up trying to rub the unfair image away from his eyes. It was intimate and most definitely not something Mingi would have been consenting to. Worst of all, it made him feel curious. 

 

Luckily unlike his own, the sound of Mingi’s following breaths remained calm. Yunho sat there, one leg folded in front of him as the other dangled off the bed trying to regain his composure. He shifted again to sit beside the other’s head, letting his peacefulness wash back over what was a very jarring start to his day. Mingi’s brow twitched, huffing softly as his own hand slowly shifted to lay over the place Yunho’s had been. He gaped down, barely knowing how to comprehend the action as Mingi once again settled. There was a little something in his gut that grumbled gluttonously, egging him on as he reached over to gently as possible to placing his hand on top of Mingi’s own. He almost fell back to the bed when Mingi’s throat let out the smallest content ‘hm’ he had ever heard.

 

Yunho knew he was doomed as the tricky little voice on his shoulder started speaking up. Whispering to him about differences, questions as to why any of this would make him flustered. Going so far as to present a slide show of every morning he’d ever woken up next to a woman, how he would stretch and immediately roll out of bed, moving on with the day. He frowned, looking down as he made the realization that if he hadn’t startled himself so badly he probably wouldn’t have gotten up at all. He would have been lazy, basking in his comfort until the heat of the mattress became unbearable. 

 

It suggested that this, what he’d seen, what he had touched, could be his own little secret. To keep it on lock, despite the unfairness of invading Mingi's physical privacy. That he could covet the memories and commit fully to the sweet taste of its sin. It would be far easier than apologizing, maybe even more rewarding to keep. Besides it was an accident, wouldn’t it be better that way? Less awkward, he never even needed to know. His brain was chasing him around in unending circles.

 

Giving Mingi’s relaxed face one more long look, he slowly removed his hand fully before sliding off the bed to shuffle towards the bathroom. He washed his face rather aggressively, trying to drag the unknown spiraling feelings out and away as he carried on with his morning bathroom routine. By the time he was in the kitchen making coffee he felt like he’d gotten his brain back. The thoughts much simpler, grateful Mingi was there, had stayed in his bed and wasn't leaving for another thirty six hours.

 

He let his mind shut down as his hands moved through the motions with practiced care. Turning on the coffee machine as he leaned against the sink to rest his weight while taking long sips of his morning water. The gentle light softened the room around him, reflecting off the clean surface of his counter to bounce back brighter against the opposite wall. It was a song and dance he knew all too well, providing the normalcy he was killing himself to focus on. That way his thoughts couldn't drift back to the man in his bed.

 

He quickly came to realize that everything about Mingi was just, for lack of better words, perfect. He matched him so well, to a point where Yunho got caught up in awe multiple times just listening to the other speak. Mingi was exactly what he had always believed him to be, funny, shy, timid at times but jarringly brave most others. Halfway through the night Yunho’s face had started to hurt, the perpetual smile practically blinding him as his stomach shook and clenched over his every word. 

 

He was so comfortable. Mingi made this unexpected blanket of security wash over him. Yunho wasn't quite sure, but he followed the trail as best he could all the way back to a feeling of being wanted. Of having the opportunity to care for and protect the person he loved. It was like a baby bird imprinting on their mother, if he thought he cared for Mingi before, it was nothing in comparison to this. He knew right then and there that he would do just about anything, to keep him safe, happy, to make sure that smile never left his face. 

 

His head popped up at the sound of feet lightly pattering towards the kitchen. The smile pasted to his face was already blinding even before Mingi had the chance to make it into the room. Any lingering sense of guilt that the last forty minutes of puttering around the kitchen had yet to wash away was instantly shoved back at the sight of him. 

 

Mingi’s short hair was flat to one side of his head while sticking straight out on the other. Eyes barely open, squinting at the bright light of day as he paused mid stretch. His strong muscles pulsed creakily as he tried so hard to wake the rest of the way up. It was almost like he hadn’t realized he was out of bed, Yunho thrummed thinking that just maybe he had rushed up due to his own absence. That Mingi had gone searching immediately, putting his grasp on consciousness aside in order to locate the other. 

 

It was hopeless to hold back the melted coo of watching him stumble the last few steps into the kitchen. “I didn’t think it was possible for you to get any cuter Princess,” he waxed, the deeply spoken words coating him in a thick blush, his own voice still clotted with sleep.

 

Mingi looked at him frozen, his body finally awake by the sheer shock of Yunho’s words. His eyes quickly glanced over him, taking in his equally worn in state as he coughed. Cheeks still getting rosier as a flush traveled down his neck. “So what do you want to do today?” He quickly deflected, rubbing at his face while stepping forward. 

 

If Yunho thought he'd grown attached to Mingi’s voice the night before, this was a rude awakening. The raspy timber wasn't like anything he was accustomed to hearing first thing in the morning. If anything, San’s voice got a bit softer when he woke up, light as if he didn't want to put much pressure on his vocal chords. But the deep rumble paired with Mingi’s hazy eyes, still desperately trying to adjust to the waking world, was something lethal. The words felt like they were rattling against his ribcage, distracting enough for him to blank. 

 

Mingi was suddenly right in front of him as he blinked back to reality. He looked up sheepishly, wrapping two sturdy arms around Yunho’s waist to steal a quick hug. He didn't even have the chance to hug him back before the younger was moving forward again, doing a full circle around the island to sit on the stool directly across from where a stupid 'what’ ghosted from Yunho’s lips. 

 

“Goodmorrnning~” he grinned, clearly pleased with himself watching as Yunho mentally readjusted. He wished he had been just a little more prepared, that way he could have given back a true embrace. One they might have still been resting in by the time he was sliding a fresh cup of coffee towards Mingi’s outstretched hands. He shook his head, this time with a chuckle as he placed a plate of peeled fruits between them, grinning ear to ear as Mingi lit up. His shoulders let out a little shimmy as he reached for a chunk of melon. 

 

“Thought you didn’t want to do anything,” Yunho mocked, tilting his chin with a sarcastic pout. He opened his eyes larger, really playing it up as Mingi humphed. 

 

“Don’t tease me. Too early,” he groaned, his voice still so sleepy that Yunho couldn't do anything but let it slide. Even as much as he was desperate to draw out that tender grouchiness, the teasing could wait. Or at least wait however long until Mingi was fully awake. He still smirked into his next sip of coffee, a wry little wobble of his head escaping as Mingi frowned petulantly. 

 

“Well, I figured we could go for a walk?” He started without fanfare, easily conceding to him. “I wanted to take you to get soba for an early lunch,” he glanced over to the clock above the stove, shrugging a bit before turning back to Mingi who’s gaze had followed, realizing it was just before noon. “We slept in quite a bit.”

 

The time seemed to practically shock him, only furthering Yunho’s suspicion that he'd truly ran from the bed the second he registered being alone. cherishing the mental image of him moving forward without a clue in the world as to what was going on around him. The thought playing through his mind was enough to form a grin, melting at the play by play of Mingi scurrying to meet him. “When did you get up?” His voice wavered with the slightest touch of guilt, glancing up at him with wide open, sparkling helpless eyes. Yunho would have to try and hide the secret of just how effective they were at molding him into what Mingi wanted for as long as he could. Yunho was more than sure they would be a dangerous tool against him if ever weaponized. 

 

“Only about an hour ago,” he waved it off, not wanting Mingi to feel bad for sleeping in when he one, looked so damn cozy and two, was kept up way later than he should have been simply because Yunho couldn't settle himself down. But that clenching guilt resurfaced, a lingering ghost of fear brushing over him as he worried Mingi might not have been as asleep as he’d thought during his moment of panic. “Did I um, wake you at all?” He tried asking casually, fingers fiddling with the plate between them almost struggling to meet Mingi’s watch. 

 

“Nope,” Mingi answered immediately, popping the word as he slid another slice of fruit in his mouth, shoving it into his cheeks before continuing. “I think I felt you moving around but you tucked me back in good,” he winked. Yunho’s gut dropped, did it mean he knew, or was he referring to the night before. Maybe he was just being playful. But what if-

 

“Good, I'm glad,” he cleared his throat, turning on the spot to reach for the coffee pot. He needed to have a reason to look away, an opportunity to breathe for just a second without it being deeply analyzed by the other. When he turned back Mingi was also looking a bit awkward, and man was Yunho mad he couldn't tell why. Had he done that to him?

 

“Also,” he cleared his throat, shyly shifting away. Yunho’s spine straightened, not knowing the best method to prepare for the worst as every muscle in his body clenched up. “Thanks for letting me stay in the bed with you last night,” he peaked up at him just as Yunho exhaled, his worry easing away realizing this was easily something he could deal with. “I really didn’t mean to impose. I know you had set me up out here,” he twisted his waist to point towards the untouched sleeping mat. Yunho had almost forgotten that it was there, he didn't even try to stop his head from swaying side to side. Chuckling just a little, far more at himself than Mingi.  

 

“Don’t worry about it Min,” he smiled as vulnerably as possible, forcing Mingi’s eye contact to hold and internalize the solace. “Honestly, I don’t really have people stay over all that often. Well excluding all the times San has gotten too drunk to get home. So it was fun,” he shrugged, the rest of his honesty pushing against the tip of his tongue, trying so desperately to get out even though he’d already gotten Mingi to relax. “I um, I liked having you in there. With me,” the shrug playing through his shoulders was scratchy, maybe disastrously less nonchalant than what he was going for. “I think I just didn’t know how to ask without making you feel uncomfortable for wanting to say no,” something flashed across Mingi’s face, a fiery indignants barely nulled over by his own willing defenselessness.

 

“I would never say no to you,” the earnestness in his tone felt like a declaration between them. As if Yunho had laid out a contract beside his coffee and provided him with a pen when sliding over the fruit. The younger choosing to promise him something, yet Yunho simply couldn't decipher what exactly it was. What he did know was the course of sweet relief, of getting to go yet another blessed minute without facing rejection or making Mingi never want to come back. It felt like each sentence was decimating that fear, like Mingi’s every response put another nail in the coffin that was the anticipation of his near certain failure. Yunho smiled, no less genuine than he had ever been. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

One of the first things that had drawn Yunho to this neighborhood was the easy access to an outdoor space. The park just a few minutes walk away wasn’t extraordinary by any means, Yunho wasn't exactly sure what gave it the perfect sparkle but he wouldn’t change it for the world. He had always loved the bubbling sound of the small fountain that worked away in the center of the tiny pond. There was a pretty, mostly cosmetic, bridge that led over one edge water, cute for pictures but unnecessary to get around its full bank. Yunho loved to watch the ducks, splashing around in the water, squawking and every so often becoming brave enough to approach a human that just might have some sort of food for them. 

 

He pointed up, nudging Mingi’s side in order to pull his enthrallment elsewhere, calling his attention to Yunho’s favorite spot. At the top of a small hill was a tree shading a lone bench. He had told Mingi about this spot many times. That it was where he went when he needed to brainstorm, to work through the points of whatever story he was in the middle of uninterrupted. Of course Mingi remembered, lighting up at the opportunity to put one more picture to the mental map that was Yunho’s life on paper.

 

He never really brought people there, not that it was a conscious decision, it just wasn’t a place he usually wanted to share. Except for now of course, smiling to himself as Mingi darted from tree to grass to sculpture to duck. Yunho continued to learn at a rapid pace, Mingi was a thousand times more bashful around strangers than he was the day before meeting Yunho. He was obsessed with how Mingi acted anytime a dog would walk anywhere near them. The first stifled squeak he let out startled him, worried something was wrong until he recognized where Mingi’s focus had turned. It was almost funny, the way he was too shy to ask the attached human to pet them until the dog came up to greet him on their own. Like they all knew to walk straight to him first, gifting Yunho the chance to be blinded by Mingi’s wide grin.

 

Mingi spent a lot of that walk squatting down, ruffling ears and cooing. Yunho was happy to watch, to see his friend beaming in an environment that was already so special to him. It was a true pleasure. That was until one of the dogs got a hair too excited, its paws knocking into Mingi with a force he hadn't been expecting, causing him to wobble. Luckily Yunho was right there hovering behind him, moving fast enough to grab his shoulder and stabilize him before fully toppling to the ground. That wasn't the big deal, the big deal was the way Mingi turned to look up at him from his knees, eyes sparkling and wide as his face opened and flushed the same shade as his lips. When he bunched up the center of his eyebrows, curving them at him with a pout Yunho felt something deeply unfamiliar. A tingle engulfed the base of his gut like wildfire, a hard pulse of blood rammed against his arteries as he looked down. Yunho’s toes felt like they needed to stretch, curling taught yet feeling somehow boneless as he watched Mingi’s tongue slightly wet his bottom lip. 

 

Yunho reached his hand out, moving as far as possible to push away from that uncertainty, pulling Mingi up in the process. The younger smiled, hopping up to brush off his knees like Yunho had let him fall that far. He looked at Yunho analytically, causing a nervous sheen of sweat to prickle the back of his scalp. What did he see, was it the guilt, the confusion? Yunho didn't get to find out as Mingi wordlessly stepped forward to continue down the path. 

 

It didn’t take long to realize he didn't quite love that silence, lips sulking as his subconscious told him to reach out and take his hand. To turn him back around and demand his full attention. He wouldn’t of course, too shocked by the thought itself to realize Mingi was the one who had stopped a few steps forward to reach out for him. It felt so natural when Mingi linked their arms, like all of his mind’s ramblings had been satiated as well as his body. Lighting him up with a feeling he couldn’t discerne. Wondering if it still would have felt that way if he’d been the one to initiate the touch. Yunho let it slide away, more than happy to listen to Mingi talk as they continued making their way around the edge of the pond. 

 

It was more than easy enough to joke around together. Mingi had this weight to him, it was inherently grounding. Each touch, mannerism and vocal variation learned laid more soil into their joint foundation. After about four minutes of mindless wandering they ended up side by side on a park bench. Yunho had subconsciously scooted closer after Mingi sat down a few inches away. Every part of the younger froze as their thighs touched, the level of shock prevalent in his rigidity made Yunho freeze too. He was only one breath away from moving back twice the distance as Mingi had sat when he finally adjusted to hold himself a touch more fluidly, placing a hand over Yunho’s knee and giving it a reassuring squeeze. 

 

It was nice to have such casual contact with him. However their physical closeness most times still seemed to be jarring to Mingi. Any light touch of skin or prolonged catch of his eye had a deep red seeping up from his cheekbones. A shuttered breath usually surfacing the second Yunho grinned back, proud of himself. It was nothing invasive, at least in Yunho’s perspective. The brush of their shoulders, nudge of an elbow or swipe of his finger tips. Mingi actually squeaked when Yunho threw an arm around his shoulder as they walked out of his apartment. The more he thought about it the more it seemed like Mingi’s second dot to connect in this behavior didn’t even exist. He constantly talked about how clingy Wooyoung could get, that he was used to someone hanging off his arm and tucking their hand in his back pocket. So it was very peculiar to him that just the brush of his thumb along the inside of his wrist could have his hand reflexively stuttering its grip over his knee. 

 

He didn’t know if it would be too much to slide the rest of the way down and clasp his hand. His mind had been telling him to do stuff like that ever since Mingi’s arrival and it was rapidly growing increasingly difficult to ignore. Asking time and time again for him to take and take, almost positive Mingi would give it willingly. But it wasn’t just his mind, his body was craving Mingi’s attention as well. That want, was an almost catastrophic original discovery. This kind of constant desire to touch someone wasn’t something Yunho had experienced being on the seeking end of. He was always happy to accept physical companionship when offered, but it was something entirely different to be the pursuant. it was interesting that after all these years, Mingi would have been the one to challenge it. No way to describe it as anything other than a wild coincidence. 

 

Listening to Mingi talk about Wooyoung’s current cooking expeditions, emphasizing words with his free hand while keeping his attention trained on the foot traffic around them, Yunho couldn’t help but picture what they must have looked like from another's perspective. The two young men left the house dressed wildly different. Mingi’s baggy jeans looked massive in comparison to his fitted slacks, his casual jean button up practically formal beside Mingi’s skin tight tank top, just barely concealed by an intricately bleached black zip up. He wondered what others might think looking at the way Mingi’s hand finally relaxed on top of his thigh or the light grip Yunho couldn’t bring himself to release over his wrist. When he looked around and realized no one was paying them any mind, he was almost disappointed. Not quite sure what he wanted everyone to see, just that he would feel a sense of pride if they were to be caught looking. 

 

“Did I ever tell you about the time Seonghwa almost murdered me?” Yunho spoke into the few minute lull they had fallen to. It had been comfortable, nothing he felt urgent to fill in the meantime. Mingi snorted after a second, looking up at him sarcastically, pretending to wrack his brain. 

 

“Ahhh, which time are you thinking about Yunnie?” Yunho poked him with a sharp elbow, ignoring the deviant giggle ringing out of Mingi as he rubbed his side. He proactively pulled Mingi back up to his side, even closer maybe, fighting the need to laugh along with him. 

 

“Ass,” he muttered, looking away with mock disdain. Childishly, Yunho ignored him. Turning his nose to the air as if there was no one next to him. It was then that Mingi earned his first squeak, Yunho’s eyes flying wide as the younger physically pulled his face back by the chin. Mingi's fingertips felt like cattle prods over his skin. Uncanny how such a minimal touch could be mirrored by a brand new kind of buzzing electricity contaminating his validity to think. The only thing still able to harbor in his mind was fear that this exact moment would never leave the cycle of his thoughts. When he couldn’t boot himself back up fast enough Mingi jiggled his head from side to side like a dog. Maybe the speed at which he let his neck go lax, letting Mingi have full control of his pliant head, neck and shoulders, should have been embarrassing. But the younger was safe and the silly crooked tooth smile being directed at him was easily identifiable as mutual, baseless security. Somehow after another moment of brain dead staring, he found the strength to bat Mingi away. “No. I’m talking about the time I got locked out of the apartment,” Mingi laughed loud and hard once, barely stinging even when he knew its main purpose was to tease him. 

 

“You mean when you got too drunk, lost your keys and then tried to CLIMB through his open window?” Yunho grumbled, taking a newly learned play from Mingi’s book, one he knew worked quite well on him, and started to sulk. It didn’t take too long until the other was babying him, cooing, nuzzling against his shoulder and roughly patting his head. Mingi snorted when Yunho batted his hands away grumbling even worse.

 

“He almost beat me up!” He ignored Mingi’s whispered ‘as he should’ still not believing how poorly this behavior was affecting him in comparison to the way it always had him in a chokehold. Giving it up he huffed, melodramatically flopping back against the bench and sliding his but down until his pant legs were bunching around his calves. “He put me on chore duty for like three months after that. I mean damn can that man hold a grudge,” he scoffed, remembering back on the almost overbearing hawk eye traveling his every movement for the weeks after, the eldest going 110% out of his way to make sure Yunho knew just how much trouble he was in.

 

“But how could anyone ever stay mad at you Pup?” Mingi asked with almost a touch too much sincerity. His grin met Yunho like a slap across the face.

 

The teasing twinkle of his eye caused an immense pause to wash over Yunho’s chest. Again, that name. The one he had been called practically his whole entire life pushed a new energy through his bones. It was so different, when his mom called him that he felt cute, mischievous and playful. When San and Seonghwa used he felt cared for, not babied but definitely doted on. Yet when Mingi called him that an overpowering warmth crashed over his gut. He couldn't think of a single time where anything had made his joints feel tingly, like if he extended his arms and legs they just might fall off. Weak in a way he was sure would make it hard for him to stand up without wobbling. It was a far worse reaction in the daylight, when it wasn’t whispered absentmindedly but in direct response to the way he was. He wasn't sure if he liked it. Well, he loved it, but he didn't know if he was supposed to. It made him feel out of control.

 

“But unfortunately,” Mingi continued, completely unaware of the mental spiral he was leveling through. “I do kinda have to take Seonghwa’s side on this one Yunnie,” Yunho gasped, hand flying to his chest, sarcastically gaped at him. “No, because in the moment that shit is terrifying,” Mingi snorted, sliding down to match his crumbled position. “One time Woo had a ‘friend’ join him in the middle of the night without letting me know, which like, that’s fine whatever. But the man walked in without announcing himself while I was standing in the dark kitchen drinking water at three in the morning,” Mingi shuttered dramatically, grimacing at the thought. “Like I almost caught a murder case that night and then again in the morning when it was just Woo and I,” Yunho shook his head imagining it. A panicked Mingi trying to silently assess the situation with a full glass of water in his hand. Yunho smirked, looking over with a lifted brow.

 

“Anytime I learn something about that man I wonder how you survived so long living with his antics,” he teased, knowing exactly which buttons to press.

 

“Hey! It worked entirely fine. Wooyoung is a perfect friend thank you very much mr. B&E,” Mingi humphed, side eyeing him to the moon and back. Yunho just giggled, they both knew he was teasing, but there had to be at least a little truth in each joke, right? He slowly started sitting up as he felt his stomach gurgle, they had been resting in that spot for far longer than he anticipated. Their coffee and fruit had barely been supposed to hold them over for early lunch let alone a mid afternoon meal.

 

“You know,” he stuck his hand out, Mingi quickly accepting the help as he pushed back up to his feet. “San always asks about Wooyoung,” the way he pitched his voice up was playful, tilting his head to look over at Mingi through the peak of his eye.

 

“Huh,” he snorted, the same smile quickly reflecting the mischievous energy. “You don’t say.”

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Essentially Yunho watched as Mingi’s energy subdued notch by notch after they ate dinner. He could have reasoned it away as the two both genuinely consuming too much food, a fact deeply supported by the way he slumped onto the couch, huffing like he’d just run a marathon. Yet ever since he first walked into Yunho’s apartment, he realized that this sort of gentle quiet was different. It did genuinely worry him at first, that he was uncomfortable, not having fun or maybe didn’t know how to tell Yunho he wanted space. Even worse, that he might have wanted to leave? 

 

Yet somehow, he was quite proud to say that once he stepped away from those fears, he could to recognize it was all quite the opposite. That his body never went rigid along beside his voice mellowing out, didn’t pull away or smile any less. He was just comfortable. Actually able to let go in Yunho’s company. 

 

It soared in his veins, that Mingi didn’t need to fill the silence in order to think he was entertaining enough to keep around. Yunho reflected back on the many times Mingi had confessed to him that at school he couldn’t keep himself from feeling hot and cold while socializing. How he would either push himself way past his means to match Wooyoung's energy or emulate it in order to feel like part of the conversation. What he disliked more was hearing Mingi talk about the reverse effect. How sometimes he just set himself to the side, tucking away his smile, personality and quick wit just to park himself hidden by a shadow. It was dreadful to realize Mingi never expected to be looked for in those times, that he could disappear into the crowd. How anyone could get away with not focusing on him was beyond Yunho’s understanding. It killed him to realize that was where Mingi was most comfortable, after years of struggling to find the middle ground between being ignored and having the people around him waiting to hear his voice. 

 

However there was a stark difference in this silence. It wasn’t him forcing Yunho’s attention away or hiding within himself to keep safe. No, this was the silence he wrote about whenever he’d go on walks in the woods or discover a new place to be found by no one. The peace of letting go of all expectations, being on his own in his own time. Yunho practically choked on the realization. That Mingi could ever feel this safe beside him.

 

But he couldn’t help that the thought was gnawing, the memories within his letters and the pain stitched into every word. Mingi could probably feel him thinking, turning up to look at him with a pout as he failed to follow him down to the couch. God that pout was going to be the end of him, it was insane to think just a day and a half days was enough to make him so sick for the other’s recognition. 

 

“Do you still ever feel like that?” he asked without thinking twice, the conversation in his head spilling between them as he finally plopped down on the couch. Mingi snorted, eyes glinting humorously as he watched the force of Yunho’s body bounce him back up off the creaky springs. 

 

“Maybe context would be nice Yun,” a small ‘ah’ slipped from Yunho’s tongue making Mingi grin. It was light, understanding as much as it was teasing. Yunho shuffled around a bit to see him better. Mingi had relaxed his back against the armrest, one leg lazily folded up on the couch as the other‘s foot rested on the floor below Yunho’s outstretched legs. He let his head down to rest over the arm thrown across the couch. It loosened something inside in his bones to see Mingi taking up space in a place Yunho was so intrinsically a part of. 

 

“Well, I was just thinking-“

 

“As you do~” the younger cut him off, humming so sweetly. Yunho played off the smitten flourish in his stomach by rolling his eyes so hard his head went along with them. He side eyed him, to what level of success he wasn’t sure but Mingi’s teeth joined his smile. So really everything was better than great.

 

“Well, I was just thinking,” he squinted, not able to press the upward curve away from his lips as Mingi did the same. “Back in high school, you always talked about feeling adjacent to everything going on around you,” he watched as Mingi’s smile shifted, the warmth trickling off into a larger pool of seriousness. It wasn’t something he’d thought twice about, not realizing he was inviting any type of burden to the moment until it had already arrived. He tried to ignore the whiff of guilt surrounding him as Mingi ever so slightly tightened his jaw. “Like things weren’t meant for you to be directly a part of. Do you still feel that way sometimes?” 

 

Thankfully he didn’t truly withdraw. Only nuzzling his forehead a bit deeper against his arm, biting on the corner of his mouth like he tended to when searching for the right words. His watch felt piercing as it studied Yunho, scanning his face in attempts to decide something deep beneath the surface. Yunho perked up as Mingi did the same, sitting straighter as he tried to tone his own energy down.  

 

“Maybe sometimes,” his nod was far from solemn but it still held a dash of well worn lonesomeness. Something deeply insightful and unique to Mingi alone. Having brushed past that original trepidation, he almost looked grateful Yunho had paid enough mind of his younger self to have ever asked at all. “But I’ve had some good people show we I'm worth fitting in,” He winked, a cheeky grin curling up one side of his lip, it melted into his cheek icing over Yunho’s lungs. Which was weird. Mingi’s face was still growing insightful, too much for him to take a moment and think twice on it. “I'm more comfortable being around people now, generally speaking. Sure it’s always hard at first whenever I'm in a new setting. Like at work, I holed up in my studio for the first month without leaving because everyone was so intimidating as a rookie. It took getting practically dragged out by my ears to give it a real chance. It’s been great ever since, clearly I just needed that boost. Obviously it’s helpful when I'm going into it knowing people want me around, easier to tell people actually like me that way,” Mingi grinned, sucking on his teeth before lifting back up to sit straight. His fresh determination grabbed Yunho’s pulse, letting it throb in his grasp. It was unfathomable the way Yunho felt attached to Mingi’s expressions even when he couldn't place half of them. Like he had personally tied a neat string around his finger, tailing along after each tug, leaving him to peek around corners and jump over walls to get a glimpse of whatever twitch of brow or scrunch of nose was to fill his canvas next. “But I know myself a lot better now, can think more intimately about what feels ‘right’ for me. I'm shoving myself into fewer boxes and trying not to squish the extrovert to the back of my brain or pushing it out at a moment's notice,” he hummed, nodding to himself definitively. “It’s far more balanced now, Yunho.”

 

He didn’t know exactly how to explain why it made him choke up, but a clustered surge of pride fell heavily on his shoulders. To think he had ever been of value to someone so special, that he had somehow made an impression on the beautiful life sitting across from him. “That's good,” he cleared his throat, sniffing out a tight laugh. “That's really good, Min.”

 

Mingi hummed, watching over Yunho surreptitiously. He felt exposed as the younger continued openly staring, almost lazy, slow yet viscerally overwhelming to be on the receiving end of. He didn’t know what Mingi was thinking but he was sure there was something deep going on where he couldn’t reach. It was quite the challenge not to squirm. “I still get really anxious obviously,” Mingi shifted, face scrunching seriously like there was any reason he might need a sense of professionalism to get Yunho to believe him. “But there’s not so much doubt in it. I usually have a better grasp, better ability to cope. Helps when I can pinpoint the thought that’s got me so worried and peel the layers off to work backwards from there.” 

 

“Huh, that is such a good approach,” even through the hint of sarcasm Yunho’s pulse picked up, an ever so sneaky tendril of shared roots burrowing even deeper into his chest. It was like looking through a mirror, reading the letter he had written word for word just a bit jumbled by the reflection. In all honesty it was something he had found on google. All the way back in their early college days when Mingi first started going through his more extreme cycles of anxiety. It had always made Yunho feel unbearably helpless to read. He had even gone to his school’s counselor about it, not really for himself, but to figure out how best to help Mingi. “I wonder where you learned that from?” 

 

Mingi stuck out his tongue. Petulant as ever, still pouting as his heel came in contact with the side of Yunho’s thigh in a light kick. The younger wasn’t quick enough to stop Yunho from grabbing it, wrapping long fingers around his ankle and pulling it further onto his lap. Mingi didn’t actually protest the way Yunho thought he would, instead the clear waves of shock he passed through melted into something stickier, relaxing into his hold. It pelted a serene sense of power against his skin. Not power in the sense of dominance, no not even close to that. It was for the first time ever Yunho felt the real time relinquishing of one's self control in the name of all encompassing trust. Mingi gifted him that, whole heartedly knowing Yunho would never misuse it. Looking down, he felt a tiny smile on his lips. One he wanted to keep to himself, only brave enough to wonder for a second if just maybe Mingi was thinking the same thing. His thumb ran a smooth line up his achilles and Mingi didn’t so much as flinch, instead relaxing his leg to more comfortably settle in Yunho’s grasp. 

 

He didn’t realize how lost he’d gotten in it all until Mingi spoke back up. “Why do you worry about me so much?” His voice was quiet, a timidness actively battling against curiously. Who knew how long he had been thinking that, questioning just why he was the one he inevitably chose to give it to. Yunho tried to keep his confusion gentle, scanning Mingi in attempts to connect the reasons between his furrowed brow and eyes that were growing wider by the second. 

 

“What do you mean?” Yunho slid his hand down from his ankle, squeezing the top of his foot as he waited. He wasn't in a rush, the physical contact was still so new to them but it felt like an explosion each time their skin met. They hadn’t quite sat in it yet, too on the move aside from Yunho’s quiet indulgence earlier that morning. It was something he could get used to, just sitting together, idly in each other's space as the world moved on around them. 

 

“It’s just that I feel like you’ve always spent so much time in your letters making sure I was okay, or stable or whatever,” Yunho nodded, not seeing a cause to argue. “I guess I probably could have expected it in person too,” he snorted, flexing his foot as Yunho squeezed down again. “But it’s just, I don't know, like jarring?” Yunho couldn't have kept the scoff back even if he tried. Something about it was just so Mingi. That he was shocked Yunho could be just the same in person as on paper like the younger hadn't been proving the same about himself all weekend. 

 

“No hear me out!” Mingi put a hand up, cutting Yunho off the second he opened his mouth. “I only have a handful of people I’m close with, obviously Wooyoung is practically my brother at this point and there are a group of artists at the studio I would consider my friends,” Yunho nodded, he knew the list of names like the back of his hand, was very thankful to them actually. It was a delight to know people were around to watch out for Mingi when he hadn't been able to in the past. Not now though, now he would be there. “I know they all care about me. But the way Wooyoung makes sure I'm okay is just so jarringly different. I don't want to say it’s more surface level because I know it’s not. I guess it just comes out more crass? Less patient for sure,” he chuckled, sending Yunho a knowing smirk. “But with you,” he sucked in a breath, eyes glancing away as his head wobbled a few times indecisively. “Well with you it’s always been soft. Like you want to wrap me up and tuck me away.”

 

“I do,” Yunho answered without a second thought. Mingi pulled a face, he couldn't exactly tell if it was touched, shocked or sarcastically disbelieving but it was enough to make Yunho think twice. Not on if he meant it, no he most definitely did, just on whether or not it should have stayed as an inside thought. “Was that too honest?” Mingi’s faced turned even more huffy, blinking dumbly at him before covering his face with a snort.

 

“Noo,” he whined from behind his hands. “No, I'm just not used to that yet, you’re just.. ugh,” he sucked in a deep breath, sitting up to dramatically straighten out his shoulders. “I'm really thankful for you Yun, you’ve given me so much in this life,” his hands dropped to reveal the prettiest tomato red cheeks he had ever seen. “And it’s crazy to think since I've only been here a day but I've never felt this comfortable being around someone,” there was a silent ping of relief that clicked two untethered worries back together in the recesses of his mind, grounding like that verbal confirmation was all they needed to truly accept it was mutual. “I think deep down I knew it was dumb to worry but I can't lie, some parts of me were scared our letters wouldn’t translate to who we are here,” he waved between them, clearly struggling to meet Yunho’s eye even as hard as he was trying. “To some extent they haven’t. You’re.. I guess more than I was expecting.”

 

The honesty behind his words were almost too much to hold. The shock of it all, his emotional intelligence, vulnerability and the pretty way his raspy words filled the empty space of the room them made Yunho malfunction. He knew to expect this raw freedom from Mingi, but hearing it spoken so candidly was almost enough to put him in the ground. For a little while longer than he would have liked, all he could muster was a shocked nod. When Mingi finally let their sight meet again it was like his body knew to smile without his brain’s help, eyes practically disappearing as he nodded to agree.

 

“You too Min. I mean shit,” he puffed a breath, feeling his life force slowly surge back enough to form a cohesive thought. “I could listen to you talk all day. To the point where now that I know what your voice sounds like I already miss it the second you stop talking,” the frown his teasing sincerity earned him was so fake he genuinely laughed, not otherwise acknowledging his grumbling as he carried on. “But to share space with you even in silence isn’t anything I've experienced before. You’re so comfortable,” ‘and I love you’ his deep subconscious interjected, the thought almost making it past his tongue. “I’m so happy you’re my best friend in real life now too,” he nodded, content to save that other piece for later. Even though he loved Mingi like he did San and Seonghwa, it didn't feel right to say quite yet. Or like the words were even enough to cover it, the special place Yunho always kept Mingi deserving something more than what the others got.

 

Mingi smiled, so clearly content in knowing his heart could be rightfully identified in Yunho’s. They fell back into a lull. It was cozy, both of them thinking their own thoughts in the bay of warmth they had collected around the couch. He realized there was more to say just as he registered the lazy rhythm he had been subconsciously patting over Mingi’s foot. 

 

“You know, when I got your first letter it was hard for me to see past my excitement of having someone who wanted it as much as I did. I let my mom read that first one,” Mingi’s eyes widened marginally, a flash of panic desperately trying to keep itself in as he froze. “None of them after!” He quickly reassured. “No one has ever read any of the other’s I promise,” he didn't mention the time he had San read the letter he sent at the end of their first school year, it didn't seem that relevant and his instant relief was rather distracting, Mingi inherently trusting that it was the truth. “But the first thing she said was ‘he sounds lonely’. I didn’t get that as the main take away from reading it,” he shook his head, the corner of his mouth drawing in as he thought back. “I just saw you entering a clean slate with the possibility to finally build yourself up in one single place. That even if it was a first for you, you were so hopeful and determined. That you were already so intelligent for a fourteen year old and thought about things so deeply,” Mingi didn't say anything, even as his lips parted. Yunho refused to let it distract him like the action had every time since. “Probably in part because you were alone enough and for so long that you were forced into thinking bigger towards the world, but it made me feel like you were someone to look up to. Maybe it was because you had to grow up so self sufficient but I remember turning to her and thinking ‘well not anymore’.” there was a soft ‘oh ’ that fell between them, Mingi took a labored breath in, holding it as Yunho still continued barreling over him. Almost like he hadn't been the one to ask in the first place. “I practically claimed responsibility for you and your wellbeing as my top priority from that point on. It's silly honestly that just a few pages could have me so attached, but you were so candid. Your heart was so open and wanting that I couldn't think of anything other than keeping you feeling like you had a place to be without questioning things,” Mingi blinked rapidly, the frank vulnerability in Yunho’s words clearly coming as some sort of shock to him. Had he done such a bad job up to that point in speaking his true feelings? Is that why Mingi felt the need to ask his motivations in the first place? He couldn't figure out what the most shocking thing was to him, in the long run it was probably all of it. “I just wanted you to feel loved and I wanted to be the only one you felt loved by.” Mingi stared at him, a new shift covering his face. Yunho could tell just how serious it was, almost like he had a heavy stone roll protectively over each of his features, closing shop to the outside world. Yunho didn't know what he was trying to hide but it was the first time he could distinctively recognize for certain an active shift of his emotions.

 

“I think I was.. so lonely. I mean,” he finally shared, after a long thirty seconds of Yunho’s worried cogs turning. “You can only get so much from yourself as a kid. It's different now with a fully formed brain, but back then I could never quite make ends meet for myself,” Mingi was so good at articulating. It was helpful to Yunho, to know that whenever Mingi decided to tell him what he was thinking through, it would always grant him a window past the barrier he kept for the rest of the world. He just wished he had a permanent master key, that way he could get in whenever he wanted. His chest filled with a twisted melancholy, the pride centered to its core growing spikes of sentimental sorrow and sympathetic grief for the younger’s inner child. It was hard not to focus on that even when the truth of his growth was flourishing right in front of him.

 

“I'm glad things have changed for you,” he smiled, only able to get half of his mouth to engage. “Seriously,” he sighed, forcing the other half to join the party. “If anyone, you’re the one who deserves it the most.” 

 

“Sap,” Mingi snorted, the word coming out so quick to the draw it felt like Mingi had it preloaded to cut through the defenselessness of his open chest the first second he got. Even as he blushed the word felt less like a deflection than it did a thank you.

 

“But I truly mean it,” he didn't let him get away. “I think about the life I got to see you build all the time. You’re pretty easy to daydream about Mingi,” the younger scrunched his eyebrows, Yunho wasn't sure over what just that his next breath felt grounding even from the other side of the couch. “Isn’t it still so surreal that you’re here? Maybe it’s crazy but I feel like you’ve been sitting on my couch, walking through my park and helping me with the dishes for years and years.” he grinned as Mingi nodded, his small smile genuinely enough to sprawl him out over the floor. “It's like I've been holding your place all this time without even realizing.”

 

Mingi seemed to melt just as much, the two close to staining the upholstery of his couch with the amount of goo and sappy companionship jumping back and forth between their tongues. “I just hope I’ve been supportive to you,” somehow, Yunho saw through it. He opened his mouth to interrupt but another nudge of Mingi’s heel cut him off before he could even start. “It’s just something I’ve always wondered, if you feel like you’re playing therapist with me half the time. That I’m not giving you enough support in return. I mean you’re always taking such good care of me.”

 

“Mingi, I hate how little credit you give yourself,” Yunho practically scolded, feeling his face default to a more stern position. “You have been hearing both ends of this conversation right?” The more sarcastic tone luckily had Mingi nodding sheepishly, still clearly not convinced even as Yunho’s pout had him softening. “There is no way I’ll let you leave this apartment thinking you don’t support me.” Mingi pouted back, lifting his other leg to kick him again. Yunho easily caught that one too, laying them over his lap to squeeze his shin. There was no fight against it, if anything he relaxed more with each back and fourth soothing motion of his thumb. “You worry too much Princess,” Mingi fused further against the couch, the regained comfort a beautiful sight to see. “I don’t think you could be better to me if you tried.” Mingi scoffed, neck straightening back to attention.

 

“Wanna bet?” It was playful, the younger’s devilish smirk hinted teasingly. Yunho's mind’s instant short circuit astonished him. He was sure his immediate jump at the taunting undertone was not what Mingi meant to be internalized. It was crazy because Yunho rarely called attention to any hidden innuendo or ever process having those kinds of pervish thoughts while joking around with the guys or with whoever he was in a relationship with. Why would it happen now? The inadvertent spike of his blood pressure purposely went unaddressed as he continued to hold Mingi’s leg. Just smiling as he continued on, his playful words soothing the unlabelled shame prickling against the seams of his chest.

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Everything felt so right. Mingi was so good, to him, at heart and towards the world. He had never felt quite this level of peace before, like anything that could possibly go wrong would simply roll off his back as long as Mingi was standing there by his side. Unfortunately, as the weekend came to an inevitable end he worried how he could ever bear the distance again. 

 

Yunho knew it would be hard to say goodbye but he didn’t realize just how bad it could be. It didn’t seem like Mingi was having all that pleasant of a time with it either, hanging on his shoulders in a never ending hug. Not that Yunho could complain, his body felt most comfortable draping a hand over Mingi’s shockingly trim waist. They were honestly lucky that the train showed up, otherwise he would have never let it go. Never let Mingi go back.

 

He watched, waiting until the train pulled away from the platform to lift his feet from where they had fused to the floor. His body still ringing in shock minutes after Mingi leaned up to peck his cheek before speed walking towards the platform. Yunho was definitely not prioritizing getting to the newsroom as much as he probably should have been. It just felt like maybe if he willed it hard enough the train would malfunction before getting another foot away. That Mingi would have an excuse to stay even just another minute longer. 

 

Yunho's phone rang just as he took his first step out of the station. He rolled his eyes, fully expecting it to be work requesting an eta. Taking a deep breath in before pulling it out of his back pocket, slinging his cross body back over the other shoulder, he continued walking towards the crosswalk.

 

His whole body paused glancing down at the device, moving faster than he could have deemed possible to answer.

 

“Hey, long time no talk,” Mingi mused, a smirk present in the sound of his sigh through the line. “I’m already bored.”

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

 

Notes:

<3

Chapter 10: Part 2: Tagged

Notes:

3.5k

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

✮ If Only - Matilda Mann ✮

And you called out to me, desperately weak

With something to say, if you only could speak

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

On the first week of Mingi’s seventh month of visits there had been a bit of a delay on the outgoing trains. Some sort of engine malfunction that caused him and every other sad sob trying to get to Seoul on a Friday night to be late for whatever was waiting on them. For Mingi it was a dinner reservation Yunho had surprised him with merely thirty five minutes after sending him the link to a tourist trap tiktok, asking if he had ever been there to eat. Unshockingly enough Yunho had not, yet was quick as ever to act. Inherently knowing Mingi well enough to understand he wouldn't ask to go of his own volition.

 

Mingi still hadn’t quite gotten used to this part of ‘in person Yunho’. In some ways he was exactly the same. The dumb jokes didn’t vary, he had the drive and passion Mingi always knew, of course maintaining his understanding and gentle nature, handling him with the utmost care and protection. But something that was impossible to derive from paper was just how much he showed his care through actions. Whether it was setting aside designated slippers for him by the door, keeping his favorite snacks stocked in the cupboard or not recommending movies for them to watch once he recognized his tastes and more so distastes. It just wasn’t something he was quite used to, more so something he ever thought he could get used to. 

 

Mingi almost hated himself for the way it still made his heart flutter. The one thing that only got worse the more time they spent together was the gaping hole in his chest. It grew deeper with each mile the train took closer to his apartment once the weekend came to a close. That beast had shifted overtime, matured into an understanding based out of craving versus cardinal need. There was still no way to lose its scent. Wooyoung wanted to kill him, that much had been evident ever since he first realized his feelings back in college. Yet even he could recognize it was significantly worse now that he had near unlimited access to the man. Instead of sulking for a week after reading Yunho’s most recent letter outlining his life and current girlfriend, those new feelings hit immediately and so, so much stronger. It was almost like coming down from a bad high. Wooyoung would sit on his couch with Mingi’s head cradled in his lap, patiently listening to him spew the same words in the same tone time after time. He was a good friend, only occasionally snapping at him when his frustration hit the peak of a boiling point. He couldn't understand why Mingi wouldn't just do something about it. On that level he just couldn't understand. 

 

Something that made things a bit easier for him was the fact that for all intensive purposes, Yunho was just kind of dumb. Was he one of the most intelligent people Mingi had ever met? Yes, of course. Did he possess practically zero percent ability to infer the deeper meaning of pretty much all Mingi’s actions and emotions that weren’t negative? Also yes. Mingi couldn't count the times he almost outright confessed to the man, never intentionally with his words of course, literary analysis was one of the only things Yunho really had on his side in that case. But that's what made the gut wrenching love he felt stay down, what forced him to remember that for Yunho, those actions just didn't mean the same thing. There was no way he could understand that whenever Yunho pulled him closer on the couch or followed up with him on a conversation they’d had three weeks prior he himself had already forgotten about, mindlessly scratched at his scalp while talking about his day or wrap an arm around his waist to hook his chin over Mingi's shoulder as he cleaned Yunho's left over dishes, made his heart soar into the sky and never want to come down. Even if time and exposure had those actions feeling worn in and expected, it didn't make his psyche want any less. Because each time his bleeding heart did inevitably come down, it arrived a little more cracked and a lot more reminded that they were just friends. That Yunho was straight and continued to date a mirage of women even as they continued to get more entangled and Mingi continued to stay single. It was shocking at first, that Yunho never even once offered for Mingi to meet the women he dated, literally acting as if they didn't exist whenever he was in the city. Once, Mingi watched in real time as he actively silenced a call, swiping it away as the two continued to watch a video on his phone. Mingi was shocked to see she didn't even have a contact image. He could have asked why.. but he didn't.

 

So when Yunho had met him at the platform after arriving an hour and a half late with take out from their canceled dinner reservation held in his distractingly large hands, the glad smile on his face shouldn't have taken him by such surprise. It shouldn't have made him feel light headed and it most definitely should not have given him even the slightest tinge of renewed hope. That same hope he felt walking into Yunho’s arms every time he set foot in the city and the same hope he left there beaten and bruised the second he forced himself back on the train.

 

Yunho knew by then that Mingi always had a lot to say right as he arrived. Depending on how long it had been since his last visit, the list would often go on for hours if Yunho didn't stop him first. That's why this time, when the older got up without a word to take their dishes to the kitchen as Mingi continued to talk and came back just as silently, a small ‘huh?’ wormed its way out of Mingi’s throat as those same lanky fingers gently placed a small and artfully wrapped box in front of him on the table. 

 

Yunho was beaming as Mingi looked up, still standing over him as his eyes crunched towards the sky. The older plopped back down next to him as another second went by without Mingi moving, shuffling to practically glue his shoulder to Mingi's side as he nudged the parcel a little closer. Looking between him and the box like a proud dog using their nose to push a retrieved toy towards it's owner. 

 

“Open it,” he smiled, voice quieter due to their proximity. The hushed tone didn't help Mingi’s brain reboot any faster, glancing down at the surprise gift staring back at him. 

 

“Why did you get me something?” Mingi asked without a filter. Yunho, bless him, didn't take it personally. Instead grabbing Mingi’s hand to place it on the box himself. Clearly not moving fast enough. 

 

“Because I wanted to, now open it,” he demanded flatly, his small pout clear just through the tone of voice. Mingi still had to look, his breath stuttering at how close their faces were, his chapped bottom lip poking out, hopes held wide. 

 

“You mutt,” he muttered under his breath, trying to find any way of dismissing the sensation of his heart pulsing along the sides of his throat. Another thing he hadn't gotten used to was the way 'in-person' Yunho often made him feel clinically insane the exact same way 'on-paper' Yunho always had. He had almost assumed there would be at least an ounce of disconnect between the two, he was sorely mistaken to find out 'in-person' Yunho had ten thousand percent more capacity to make him lose his cool. Mingi only belatedly registered how the name he’d used had Yunho tensing up ever so slightly at his side, attention in too many places at once to fully focus on any one thing. The repetitive symbols crashing around in his brain were far too loud to focus on much other than what was on the table.

 

Still his hands moved carefully over the heavy, professionally wrapped, parchment. He knew as hard and thoughtfully as he might have tried, there was no way in hell Yunho could have wrapped it himself, which only led him to feel a touch more anxious. But it was only Yunho, Mingi knew there was no reason to feel any sense of trepidation. The same way there was no reason for him to have gotten him a gift, his brain unhelpfully supplied. The small box in his hand felt like lead as he ran a nail under the adhesive. Uncovering it fully to show a jewelry box, there was no mistake in it. 

 

“Yunho,” Mingi started, voice timid. Maybe his mind went to refute the gift, or just question him for the reason, he didn’t know. Either way Yunho wasn't having it. 

 

“Just open it Princess,” Mingi would forever regret the day he told Yunho how much he loved that nickname. Maybe then he could have at least blamed weaponized incompetence for the way Yunho seemed to always use it against him. The endearment rolled off of his tongue so easily it almost felt like there had never been a time he hadn't used it for his own advantage. 

 

Mingi held his breath as the box opened in front of him, slowly and probably a bit too dramatically. The thin chain inside was delicate, almost impossibly thin as it sparkled off of the bright overhead lights. The charm that gracefully dangled below was breathtaking, and as expected, exactly to Mingi’s taste. The small star was simple, generally speaking. Uneven and jagged as it swirled around itself and out. Mingi let out a small scoff as he brushed his finger over the cold metal, almost vibrating under his touch. 

 

“Yunho this is beautiful,” he could barely get out above a whisper, vision glued to the necklace like it might disappear if he looked away for even a second. He could feel the crimson on his cheeks glowing redder the longer he thought about it, the implications of getting someone something like this. Something Yunho most certainly hadn't grasped while making the purchase. 

 

“You like it?” He sounded hopeful, if not a bit nervous. That is what got Mingi to look away, his eyes wide as they zeroed in on Yunho’s. Mingi couldn't help himself from scoffing even as he practically threw himself at his best friend. The severity of his hug clearly took Yunho by surprise, the two falling back at the sheer force of Mingi’s embrace. 

 

The sound of Yunho’s relieved giggle was music to Mingi’s ears as he lifted back up to his elbows. That in itself was a mistake. Resting half between and half over his folded legs, Yunho was laid out beneath him. Their breath was too close, mingling as his hand loosely gripped onto Mingi’s hip, stabilizing him. His floppy hair sprawled out into a chocolatey halo as Yunho melted further into the floor underneath his gaze. The huge smile zeroed in on Mingi, was so content, so reverent under the younger’s shadow that his stomach threatened to upend their less than mediocre dinner. “Help me put it on,” Mingi rushed out, scrambling to remove himself from Yunho’s space, instantly relieved and pained by the distance as the spot the other’s thumb had been rubbing over his hip bone went cold.

 

Yunho followed easily, gently taking the offered box from Mingi as he took even more care to remove the chain. The metal was chilly as it fell against the exposed skin of his clavicle, the button up he’d worn to the studio that day having been released from a few rungs as he stewed waiting for the train. Yet the frozen prickle of Yunho’s fingers burned colder as he gracefully unclasped the hook and secured it in place around him. His hand patted once over the metal before sliding down to rest on his shoulders, squeezing there before he suddenly stood. Mingi turned confused only to see the other’s hand outstretched and offering, motioning his upper half instead of using words to get Mingi to his feet. 

 

At first glance the fluorescents of Yunho’s bathroom were harsh against his eyes, but the shock quickly faded into the background as Mingi honed in on the necklace from the mirror's reflection. Its silver shone bright against his tan skin, resting on his chest like it was the missing piece always meant to be. It was hard to look away, funny really that such a small thing could make his gut feel so heavy. His captivated silence was broken by a smitten whisper, a single uttered word that Mingi was almost one hundred and ten percent sure wasn't meant for him to hear. “Pretty," he felt the syllables wrap around him like smoke, choking from the inside out as his sight flicked up to him. 

 

Yunho was hovering behind him, leaning his shoulder against the door frame with a magnetized hand falling loosely over its favorite spot on Mingi’s waist, contently watching through the mirror. He looked so happy that it almost hurt. The love Mingi felt for Yunho was nothing short of terrifying. The profundity wasn't a feeling he could describe outwardly as hard as he tried and it was surely nothing he ever wanted to feel again if it had to be for someone other than him. He spun on his spot, hugging him the second he came in contact with his chest. 

 

“What the hell Yun,” he scolded as Yunho chuckled, the steady vibrations filling Mingi with a laugh of his own. Yunho’s hand naturally slid around to Mingi’s other side as he turned. His firm arm able to wrap across the younger’s midsection like a seat belt, making sure to keep him pressed closely to his chest.

 

“So you really like it then,” Mingi pinched his side with a scoff, pulling his chest away only enough to become paralyzed. Maybe he just underestimated the distance, didn’t get the calculation of his trajectory right, but Mingi practically stumbled back as their noses brushed against one another. It wasn’t good, knowing he needed to get away before having the chance to really do something stupid. A singular small action that would no doubt alter the trajectory of their friendship forever, or at least impact it as severely as it did in every scenario he had ever ruminated on. Because why was Yunho looking at him like that, scanning his face to analyze every twitch of muscle. A spark simmered behind the surface of his face, like he might just want more, to deepen a moment that already felt overbearing. 

 

But Yunho’s hand stayed put as he spun towards the mirror. Classically unaware of Mingi’s panic, he kept his arm locked around his midsection, not waiting a second to pull him back against his chest. Yunho hooked his chin to rest over Mingi’s shoulder, eyes almost closed as he instantly settled down. Peacefully, like it was exactly where he was meant to be. The older's gaze readjusted gently, fluttering back to the necklace as his fingers innocuously splayed out over Mingi's soft stomach. He had to choke back a gasp, wondering if Yunho could feel the flutter of his gut below the heated sting of his large, domineering palm. It radiated energy through him, hot, heavy and at least something less existential to panic about. 

 

“A- a lot, Yunho. It's perfect, you did so good,” he couldn't help himself from glancing back again. As always the flush of his praise painted Yunho's cheeks so prettily, dusting the bridge of his nose with a layer of well loved bashfulness. It was almost unfair, just nearly distracting enough for his body to stop its incessant screeching, a new pulse vibrating loudly from each point of contact. The way their bodies fit together had always felt dangerous, the length of his elbow crookd just right to rest along the dip in Mingi's waist, finding the perfect ledge to hook the extra weight of his body over. Yunho’s forehead tilted against the soft skin behind his ear, shielding half of his shy face as light easy breath brushed across the younger's skin. The heat under his cheeks bled over Mingi in all the places they touched, making it difficult to differentiate between where Yunho’s rosiness ended and his own began. Mingi couldn’t even chance a thought over Yunho's hips, how they were pressed so tightly aligned with his backside, their lower halves already much closer than he normally would allow. “But why?” He had to ask again, willfully praying there might have been a deeper reason as his attention fell back to the marker Yunho had left around his throat. Maybe if he kept asking, it might suddenly mean something more to him. That the reason he was currently so desperate to be as physically close as possible might come with any sort of spoken explanation. 

 

“Does there have to be a why?” Yunho shrugged nonchalantly, the exact way Mingi should have expected. Almost absently Yunho raised his free hand, lazily running a finger along the chain before pressing down on the charm. For just a second the pointed edges dug into his skin, the surrounding area going white as the blood was chased away from the spot. However light the pressure was, its biting whisper made his body react. Mingi’s sharp eyes fluttered as he coughed down a needy groan. His mind was screaming, unable to find a singular explanation as to why the hell Yunho was touching him like that. He could barely hear the sound of his voice over the pressure of him leaning against his body. It was building an unwelcome sheer film of want in a place he constantly tried to ignore. Mingi stamped and stamped until Yunho’s blind, happy voice broke through the static of his ears. 

 

“It made me think of you when I saw it and last I checked, it's not a crime for you to be spoiled,” when his hand finally moved away from Mingi’s throat, it fell to wrap over the other and fully hug his waist. Mingi realized it might be easier to just die. His touch felt too hot as the words overwhelmed his heart, not liking how something so little could set him back so far. How could Yunho possibly not see what he was doing to him? How he turned his insides to goo and fried his brain beyond repair. Mingi just smiled, what else could he do? 

 

“I love it so much,” he practically whispered, rushing it out before his brain could switch the word ‘it’ with ‘you'. Gently picking up the charm to memorize every contour. Mingi’s hand stayed there through the rest of the night, every time his mind wandered back or caught it in his reflection and any time Yunho’s contact showed up on his phone the week following. 

 

Mingi wished there was a world where Yunho could have comprehended what this was to him. What wearing a piece of the other everyday might have meant to any other person. Unfortunately it just wasn't what their life had in store. Mingi had to accept that eventually, he just knew it. Yunho was full of love but the fraction he wanted most was the only part he kept reserved for others.

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

The air was unseasonably cold as he settled back down on the train. Catching at least one small break, the universe letting the seat beside him remain empty. He held just a hair less guilt because of it, the bitterness he was sure had been pouring out of his energy since sitting down could now at least remain contained to himself. His fingers itched, picking at the distressed fray of his jeans as impossible thoughts of lost opportunity and cosmic failure swirled in his head. The chain around his neck felt like a tag, calling out to the world around him just in case everyone wasn't already aware that he was an idiot. Claimed by someone who would never want his own in return. Sick of the restlessness he reached for his bag, digging around until he found the edge of his notebook. The pen didn’t hesitate as it came in contact with the parchment, line after line of a new song settling between the missing rips of his heart. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

✮ If Only - Matilda Mann ✮

 

Strange how you don't know just how I think

'Cause I read your mind like it's written with ink

Scribbles and mess, but lines that still play with my heart

And if only I was somebody you wanted

Just for the day, but you wanted

Someone you know that would leave

I know it's not what you need

I wrote your name seventeen times

Just to figure out when, figure out why

And it's starting again, it's strange, I don't know

Why you would stay if you knew you would go

And you called out to me, desperately weak

With something to say, if you only could speak

And I tried to pretend, I just can't deny

That I'd lie just for you if you passed me tonight

If only I was somebody you wanted

Just for the day, but you wanted

Someone you know that would leave

I know that never be me

I know that never be me

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

 

Notes:

<3

Chapter 11: Part 2: Truth

Notes:

16.9k

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

✮ True Blue - boygenius ✮

You already hurt my feelings three times

In the way only you could

But it feels good

To be known so well

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

It was finally happening. His friends officially hounded him horrendously enough that it was impossible to do anything other than give in and let them meet Mingi. Well, hounded enough to finally ask if Mingi was even interested in meeting them. But of course he was. Ecstatic actually to have them even be interested. After the plans had been set, nothing fancy, just a casual night of food and drinks at home, he settled into the idea of Mingi being even further integrated into his life. 

 

Yet unexpectedly, there was something small and ugly in Yunho’s gut that hated the idea, a nasty possessiveness not wanting to share him even as much as he desired for Mingi to feel more at place by his side. It's not like anyone could ever replace what they had, how they came together was special in a way that was literally almost impossible to recreate. But the growing ‘what ifs’ had him chewing on his bottom lip, realizing there might always be a threat of someone being able to replace him. 

 

Their history aside, Mingi was magnetic. He was bound to eventually meet someone who had what it took to steal his spot as the number one best friend. Obviously he was aware said mystery person behind that looming force could never be San or Seonghwa. Still, he was stingy about Mingi. Greedy for him in a way that made his stomach hurt. It was a brand new feeling, only appearing for the first time once they finally got to transfer their connection from paper to calling, then to meals, day trips and sleepovers. He didn't know how to process it, normally he would talk to either San or Seonghwa about it but it rubbed him so raw that the hesitation itself blocked every attempt to bring it up. The haunting feeling was something so uncharted within him that he practically feared what they might find once bringing it to the light of day.

 

He only realized he was stewing in his thoughts once the water running through the kitchen sink became so hot it practically scalded his hand. Hissing he swatted the tap back to cold, huffing again as it shocked him in the other direction. He needed to get a grip, these thoughts didn't help anything and they always put him in a hole it was hard to crawl back out of. Besides, he knew Mingi and in knowing Mingi he had to prepare to ease his impending and inevitable anxiety. He had already called Yunho four times in the last twelve hours, spewing a stream of distortions and catastrophes until he ran out of breath. Yunho snorted remembering the last one, clear that his brain had run out of things to worry about, starting to just feed him nonsense. 

 

‘Yuyu what if they think I smell bad,’ was Yunho’s last straw, laughing as kindly as he could as Mingi whined visually petulantly through his phone screen. It was dumb really, Mingi always smelled unreasonably good, in a way that Yunho always missed the second he was gone. It was probably good that his brain was at the bottom of the barrel so to speak. He knew Mingi would be fine that same way he was sure the others already knew, but he couldn't blame him for the nervousness as Yunho’s own discomfort continued to take him by surprise.

 

The gentle knock at his door snapped him back into action, only half turning off the running water before dashing down the hall. Yunho quickly ushered Mingi in, his soapy hands hovering in front of him as he pressed his side against the other’s chest in a way of brief greeting, running back into the kitchen, almost slipping on his socks. He heard Mingi snort as the door closed behind him, watching the other disappear back around the corner. 

 

“Good to see you too,” he called after him, the sound of his smirk strong enough to carry over the running water. 

 

“Sorry give me a sec,” Yunho bent his back to yell towards the door as he heard Mingi continue to shuffle around. “If Hwa gets here and there are still dishes in the sink he will scold me,” he shivered playfully, the small noise he made probably not carrying all the way to the man still paused in the hallway. Rinsing the last dish he flicked the water off and reached for a towel patting dry his hands as he moved back towards the door. “And you don't really need to see that,” he defended himself, making it around the bend to see Mingi frozen right where he left him. Only now he was staring at the wall along the entryway, his shoes already neatly tucked in the spot that quickly had become his own.

 

Yunho bristled a bit before understanding, quickly taking another step forward to be by his side. “My mom brought it when she visited last weekend,” Mingi jumped with a small yip at his sudden appearance. Yunho couldn't stop the small giggle that escaped at his reaction, so cute that his eyes had no chance but to scrunch up as he smiled. Mingi lightly pushed his shoulder, muttering under his breath as he turned halfway back to look at the small silver crucifix hung over the bowl of keys and change by the door. “Does it make you uncomfortable?” Yunho followed up more gently as Mingi’s silence continued. It wasn't something he had even registered as being there by the end of the week, the colors fallen into the background as just another part of the wall. But seeing the way Mingi shrunk made him think twice. 

 

“No,” the younger shook with a resigned tight mouthed smile, denying it even as he struggled to fully pull his attention away. Mingi offered a soft shrug once he finally looked back in Yunho's direction. For some odd reason he felt a part of his lower stomach jump as their gaze met. He hadn't realized how close he’d stood until the other shifted again, his chest just an inch or two away. Mingi’s recently refreshed pink hair was glowing in the late afternoon light, the casual oversized t-shirt he was wearing hung loosely around his collar as warm rays reflected off of the silver necklace Yunho had given him on a simple whim. Yunho didn't realize he was staring until he heard the soft smirk in Mingi’s voice. “Just surprised me is all,” the words were light, almost too quiet but Yunho found himself hanging onto them as they led him by a rope to Mingi’s will. He hummed, blinking back to reality. Pursing his lips, he took another long beat to try and absorb Mingi’s face. The frustration never ceased to abandon him, being perpetually unable to understand him as well as it seemed Mingi could in turn. It was apparently his lifelong plight or as his grandmother would say, his cross to bear. 

 

“Seems like no matter how far I go, it always finds a way back to me,” Mingi stiffened so minimally that if he hadn't been right by his side it would have been undetectable. But he relaxed quickly, the small sigh he let out was confusing but the thought was quickly lost as Mingi moved from his spot to wind strong arms around his shoulders in a graceless hug. Even in his stunned surprise, Yunho was quick to wrap his arms around his waist in return. Trying and failing not to wonder if Mingi could feel how hard his heart was beating. “What's this?” he teased contentedly, squeezing Mingi a little tighter before melting into his chest’s steady weight. 

 

The younger’s cold nose wordlessly tucked itself to the crook of Yunho’s shoulder, shaking his head as no words followed the small puff of air Yunho felt bursting goosebumps over his skin. He would have been embarrassed by the following chill that ran up his spine if he wasn't just so comfortable with Mingi glued against him. He never knew how much he could love physical touch until the younger came along. It wasn't something he had ever particularly paid attention to, but now he didn’t think he could survive without it. The near constant contact Mingi seemed to need against his skin grew to be his own sort of craving. Whether it was Mingi’s pinky dipped under his palm, an ankle wrapped around his calf while eating a meal side by side or his head resting tucked against his shoulder while they watched a movie. Mingi was always right there, touching, cocooning him up to tie the unlabeled bubbles in his stomach with a pretty pink silk bow.

 

It was probably less than twenty seconds of silence, but it felt like a lifetime while being so close. The skin of Mingi’s cheek was soft against the plane of his exposed neck. Their toes bumped together as Mingi shifted, fronts wedged even more flush as Yunho’s hand found itself running a comforting line up and down his back. His nose took the liberty of butting against the side of Mingi’s scalp, unsurprisingly he smelt clean, not stinky. The sage notes of his cologne wrapping the inside of Yunho’s lungs as he breathed deeply into the unexpected embrace.   

 

It took Yunho lightly swaying their bodies for Mingi to finally stir, almost sleepy as he continued to hang. Yunho found himself wishing they were on the couch or even his bed, that way they could continue this deep of an embrace without gravity holding them back. This severity of physical intimacy had always stayed strictly standing, but now he couldn't stop himself from picturing how he’d be able to hold Mingi nestled against his chest, pressed together all the way down to their toes. To feel him so entirely, each breath and twitch of his muscles coursing against his body. Yunho's eyes flew open at the thought, gaping at himself for ever thinking such a thing, so dumbfounded he almost missed Mingi whispering onto his shirt. “I'm just really glad I have you,” still in a state of shock Yunho couldn't do much but nod. He raised long fingers to scratch at the base of Mingi’s skull, keeping him in place just a moment longer to hide the way his cheeks flared so red he felt light headed. The younger hummed calmly, unsuspecting as Yunho played with the slightly dry ends of his colored hair. His arm instinctually pulled him somehow tighter, completely unaware of the outright panic Yunho was cycling through.  

 

“We’re pretty lucky, huh?” Yunho finally chuckled, trying not to sound strained or confused as Mingi nodded strongly once, twice, three times, before releasing him to take a step back. His focus wasn't quite meeting Yunho’s but he didn’t take it personally, he'd learned pretty early on Mingi was just like that with him sometimes. Shy unexpectedly, trying to hide in plain sight. Not that he was any better in that moment, the same flicker akin to shame still bubbling under his skin as he wondered if his cheeks seemed just as flushed as the other’s. Or if Mingi was also trying to catch his breath. On that thought, Yunho himself couldn't quite understand why he was needing to catch up with his lungs strained pace. 

 

They both jumped as the doorbell rang, Mingi pulling in a sharp breath of air as he took another few steps away, almost subconsciously moving behind him to hide deeper in the apartment, his hand staying wrapped anxious around Yunho’s wrist. “YUNHO,” a loud voice blew past the thick wooden door. “OPEN UP OR EL-,” a second soft yet scolding voice muffled through the door as the other instantly stopped. Yunho shook his head, muttering ‘Jesus Christ’ under his breath as he took another step forward. Mingi made a reprimanding tisk sound as he squeezed his wrist, pulling Yunho back as he sarcastically raised a sharp condemning eyebrow before pointing towards the crucifix on the wall. He laughed, huffing as he stepped out of Mingi’s hold and reached to open the door. 

 

San barreled into the apartment first, his smaller body practically tackling Yunho to the floor as Seonghwa peered around them, his curiosity instantly honing in on Mingi. Yunho felt a sudden pang in his chest at the action, it was one of those times he wished he could have an unbiased and un-blackmail collecting San sitting on his shoulder to dissect what the look might have meant. Or more importantly, tell him why his chest suddenly seized up at the thought of Mingi being in a vulnerable position, even if it was towards two people he trusted implicitly. He started to shake San off, not consciously registering how this hug didn't make him wish they could be alone to cuddle, just knowing the younger wouldn't let go without a little push.

 

“Dude,” Yunho half shoved San, ignoring his pout as he stood straight to usher Seonghwa past the threshold, closing the door behind him. “San, Hwa,” he took a deep breath, looking at them both warningly before turning back to Mingi with a starkly bright smile. “This is my Mingi. Mingi this is Seonghwa and San,” he smiled proudly as he watched a small flicker of anxiety wash away from Mingi’s brows, stomping down his own flash of possessive protectiveness. The younger smiled fondly, his teeth poking out behind his lips in a wide grin as he lifted a hand to wave. The whole thing felt a touch juvenile, but there was something about it that made Yunho feel so full. All his people under one roof.

 

“Hi,” he greeted them softly, his deep voice carrying through the hall with a rasp. Yunho had to stop himself from outright melting. Even still, out of his peripherals he felt Seonghwa’s observing him. Taking in Yunho’s face, how his eyes turned into crescents bridled by the dumb grin he could never seem to wipe off whenever his pen pal was around. San on the other hand walked straight up to him with an even bigger smile. Yunho started to wonder if this was such a good idea after all. He knew they both could behave themselves and that Seonghwa would generally speaking simply out of politeness. But he doubted San wanted to let Yunho escape the night unembarrassed. 

 

“Mingi, long time coming,” San stood, in Yunho’s opinion, unnecessarily close as he looked up, his closed mouth smiling so hard his lids bunched closed. 

 

“You're so right Sannie. It's great to finally meet you,” Mingi grinned back, pausing for only a moment before opening an arm for San. The shorter was quick to jump at the opportunity, hugging him with all his might like he may never get the chance again. Yunho scoffed fondly, whining a bit as Seonghwa’s elbow lightly nudged his side. 

 

"Very handsome,” he leaned in to murmur knowingly under his breath. Yunho didn’t know why it needed to be said, the same way he couldn't quite understand why he had on his ‘you dumb lovable idiot’ smile. All he could do was nod. Mingi was handsome. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

It was only a moment later that they all found themselves sitting on the floor of Yunho’s living room. He had to fight the scow brewing under the surface of his cheeks as San and Seonghwa settled down to Mingi’s left and right, leaving him to sit across from them alone. At least this way he could more easily monitor Mingi’s reactions, not that it usually got him very far outside of knowing his anxiety. Even with most of it a mystery, Yunho prided himself on being able to pick up on his distress in a second. Never letting Mingi stay anxious for a second longer than he could help it. 

 

But it didn't seem like that would be a problem, he was smiling vibrantly. Head on a swivel between the two as they hemmed and hawed over him. Barely letting him answer before they were spewing off the next, he expected Mingi to be overwhelmed but he just.. laughed.. A laugh that made Yunho want to bash his skull against the coffee table in front of him. 

 

‘How was the train here, no problems? Did you get to eat before you left, you can pick what we order for dinner, okay?’ Seonghwa worried over him. 'You’re way taller than I thought, like I knew you were tall but not like this,’ San marveled at him, still having to look up even from where he sat. Yunho realized that was what they must look like sitting next to each other too. It was cute, San was the most built person he knew, his physical training degree using him as an example for all of his clients, still looking so petite next to him. ‘Yunho was right, you have definitely been working out, what gym do you go to?’ Yunho flushed red as Mingi teasingly tilted in his direction. Playfully mocking him without words as Seonghwa laughed by his side, his own smile crunching up as he leaned into Mingi, pinning Yunho down with his own smirk.

 

“Mingi, I love this necklace,” Seonghwa interjected quietly, his face close as San continued telling Yunho about how his sister called him that morning to complain about their dad. Mingi looked down at it like he had to check which it was, like it wasn't the only thing he'd worn around his neck since the second Yunho had clasped it around his throat.  

 

“Oh thank you,” Mingi’s soft smile briefly stole Yunho’s attention, feeling the way the younger’s focus had flicked over to him before turning back to Seonghwa and their hushed conversation. “Yunnie got it for me,” Mingi’s ears started to glow as Seonghwa reached over to twist the small charm in his fingers, inspecting the contours of the spiky star. The jagged and uneven points rested flat over his lower clavicle. It usually dipped below the collar of his shirts to hide from the room, he must have purposely taken it out before coming over, Yunho didn't want to think of it as a coincidence. 

 

“Is that right,” Seonghwa smiled suggestively, small and doting as he tilted his head. “It suits you well, we all know he has good taste. Was there a reaso-”

 

“Are you guys even listening?” San’s whining complaint broke their bubble, Seonghwa’s frown flashed a hard annoyance in his direction. Mingi snorted lightly, instantly searching for Yunho’s eyes as Seonghwa flatly told him ‘no.’ He didn't have to look far, if anything the only reason San had interrupted their small conversation was because it was pulling Yunho’s attention away from him and his own story. Mingi ticked his jaw, a small silent ‘hm?’ forming over his pouted lips as Yunho looked on so fondly, he just couldn't help himself. 

 

Mingi looked so at home. Yet he always did when he was there, like he was the final piece completing Yunho’s puzzle, making his absence even more known when that chunk was missing from the picture. But here with his friends, the two childishly fighting for his attention, Yunho couldn't help but feel anything other than blessed. His ego pushing to the surface when he realized they could have a full conversation without him needing to say a word, something he had only ever experienced with San. The chaos of the other two fully blended into the background as Mingi smiled at him tenderly. 

 

“Hey Pup,” Seonghwa cut in, Mingi’s attention leaving his first to look at the man gently linking their arms together. It took Yunho another breath to tear himself away from Mingi, the eldest’s words waiting until the full room was focused in. “It's kind of rude that you’ve been keeping him from us for so long,” he scowled, sitting up straighter. The parental reprimanding he often received from Seonghwa never got less poignant, but this time his petty stubbornness out shown any guilt he felt from the teasing. 

 

“Because he’s mine,” Yunho answered without thinking. There was a pause in the room, not more than a second but all the air around them seemed to palpably lift away before crashing back down. San’s booming laugh broke the tense shift, taking Mingi’s other arm in his as leaned forward over the table. 

 

“Who are you and what have you done with our passive and unattached Jeong Yunho?” The three of them all laughed but his gut grew tepid, uncomfortable and un-ignorable. He wished he could deny it, but he wasn't feeling quick enough to come up with something witty. What had happened. Why did he feel so territorial? He was honestly getting a little tired of constantly having to think deeper about the way his actions had been changing like the seasons on steroids when it came to Mingi’s impact. It was exhausting. 

 

He knew it was Mingi’s fault at some level, but it was practically impossible to blame him. For anything really, his brain just wasn't capable of seeing any of his shortcomings. He had Yunho in the palm of his hand by just existing and he was quite comfortable being there. Yunho realized then that this was something he hadn't thought to worry about. His two best friends in the world, the ones who knew him better than everyone besides Mingi now witnessing in real time all the things that broke him out of the box he had always existed in. Apparently he hadn't realized it was so noticeable, not having discerned it himself until right that moment, watching as San and Seonghwa wrapped their arms further around Mingi, looking at him curiously.  

 

Yunho shrugged, his hands raising by his side with an ignorant pout. Mingi snorted, his head tipping to rest comfortably against Seonghwa's. “Sannie you made him shy~” Mingi indirectly teased as the eldest snickered and leaned further into his side. The love freely pouring from him was almost overwhelming. As much as he was panicking to find a way out of this line of questioning, he couldn't help his heart from surging at the way the two of them were so taken by Mingi. It was a dream come true. 

 

“Do you guy’s want something to drink?” He blurted, standing with an uncoordinated force to look down at them. He squinted sternly at his two friends, it was clear they were not threatened in the slightest by the unspoken warning lingering between them. Mingi, on the other hand, looked up at him with big eyes, shining in the evening light of blue hour barely peeking through his windows. Yunho felt his breath hitch as Mingi’s chin tilted just a touch further up, neck extended to keep his sight on him. He hated the way his whole body froze, or at least hated that his friends were there watching him as redness crawled up his neck and cheeks. Something in his lower gut jumped at the sight, something that sternly wasn't supposed to jump for his best friend. He didn't wait another second before dashing off to the kitchen. 

 

His hands hit the edge of the sink hard, shoulders sagging as he flipped the water on. What the hell. The turbulence of his stomach was dispersing slowly but the small attempt at investigating the reason had to be quickly abandoned. The same tingle rising as he pictured Mingi looking up at him from the floor. What was wrong with him? He splashed some water over his cheeks, huffing sardonically as he felt the physical temperature radiating off his forehead. 

 

Only a few minutes later he found himself standing back in the doorway to the living room, three bottles of soju and four glasses in hand, frozen watching the way his friends had simply fallen in love. It almost settled something in him, not labeled as shame but similar in a sense. It was obviously just that easy to fall in love with Mingi, clearly they felt the same. It must be the same as him, there was no reason to feel any different about his attachment or the way it was always getting away from his mind. The scene in front of him felt surreal, Mingi’s raspy laugh bellowing out as San recounted a most definitely mortifying story about Yunho from high school. Seonghwa’s focus found him, sparkling and truly filled with joy. His heart felt so full.

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Mingi was the first one to offer to trek down the stairs of Yunho’s building and meet the delivery driver at the front door. His courageousness terrifyingly enough, suddenly left the three of them alone. Yunho’s throat tightened as the sound of the door latching closed rang through his ears. Bracing himself, he took a single breath before looking towards his friends, the two already poised to pounce. 

 

“Yunho what the hell!” San reached over the table, the soju in his system making him forget the majority of his strength as he slapped Yunho’s shoulder. Hissing he batted back attempting to shove him further away as he wound up to strike again. 

 

“Seriously Yunho,” Seonghwa’s voice came out sternly. The two kids stopped in their place, hands falling reproachfully back to their laps not needing another word to be uttered for them to feel adequately chastised. “Who is this person we’re just suddenly meeting?” San nodded, scootching a bit closer to the elder so he could also face Yunho head on. 

 

“What?” He laughed awkwardly, a painful grimace filling the place where anxiety usually stockpiled in his cheeks. “Is it such a bad thing?” Yunho’s timid reply alluded to just enough confirmation of the open accusation, that his behavior had clearly shifted, that they allowed it to slide for the moment. He knew well enough that there would be an uproar if he outright denied feeling more attached whenever Mingi was around. San’s mouth tipped down, contemplating as Seonghwa’s head immediately shook from side to side, a fat smile directed straight at him. 

 

“I love it,” Seonghwa whispered, leaning forward over the table. “We’ll have to t-” the sound of the door opening pulled all their attention to the front hall. He turned back quickly to murmur, “we will talk about this later.” Yunho slowly nodded, as much as he would rather be buried alive than verbally process his feelings, he knew it was officially unavoidable. 

 

“That guy was really nice,” Mingi addressed the room, either unaware or uncaring of their previous conversation as he set the food on the table. “Things like that are so different here than in my town,” he continued, plopping down next to Yunho instead of finding his original spot between his two new admirers. Yunho relaxed a bit as Mingi lightly leaned over to press against his side, something he tended to do whenever reentering a room, shifting back into his own space as he started opening the containers in front of them. 

 

It was ordinary for Mingi to seek out his physical touch, especially in new situations. It hadn't taken Yunho long to realize that half the time those actions were almost unconscious. Brushing his fingers over exposed skin while walking past, tapping his knee while talking with his hands or laughing so hard he needed to grab onto Yunho’s forearm to prevent himself from falling to the side. Sometimes Mingi pinched at his sides or Yunho's personal favorite, tugged on his ears to get his attention. What was new however was Yunho looking for his touch in return, falling expectant of it. The way he would rest his palm on the floor behind Mingi's back in order to lean further into his space, how his hand sought out Mingi’s fingers, mindlessly playing with the rings he never seemed to take off. It soothed him in a sense he never realized existed until this, until Mingi. At the same time, when he actually thought a bit deeper, Yunho was pretty sure these actions wouldn't be calming to him but annoying if it were anyone else by his side. 

 

He couldn't help but notice the way San watched them touch, that they moved together like water. Mingi practically had him attached by a leash, Yunho flowing to the push and pull of the younger’s unspoken intentions. He and Seonghwa continued to share looks as their meal progressed, the containers slowly emptying as their stomachs filled. Yunho had quite overzealously made sure they both knew before arriving that Mingi was a slow eater and was more than pleased to watch them actively adjust to his pace. Not like any of them had somewhere to be anyway. That simple show of respect bloomed pride in his chest, something Seonghwa inherently picked up on quickly. Yunho couldn't count the amount of curious scans he had been subjected to over the course of their meal. The same way it was un-ignorable when the eldest would glance between the two of them, watching with a subtle awe that Yunho didn't know how to comprehend.

 

It was right as they finished dinner, the take away boxes pushed aside to make room for a fresh round of bottles that San spoke up. With a soju flushed face he asked a question that, for some reason, turned Yunho’s insides out. “So Mingi!” He projected a bit too loud for their confined space, an announcer’s tone calling their attention as if there’d been any need to pull them from distraction. “Any special ladies,” Mingi visually cringed, shaking his head in mock disbelief as he polished off the drink in front of him. They all knew there was no way San wasn't aware of his sexuality when he was the first person Yunho told after getting permission. Yunho wondered why he would ever ask that, yet his silliness made Mingi snort and that at least eased a touch of the static away from his shoulders. Still, Yunho pinned San down with a very strict glare. “Gentlemen!” He cheered as a stupid whoop followed, this time pulling a stupefied scoff out of Seonghwa. “Any lucky gentlemen in your life right now?”

 

Mingi’s mouth opened once then closed, a little huffed leaving his lips. Yunho realized for some reason he was pointedly not looking in his direction, which was a problem. He didn’t know why exactly but what he did know was it made his stomach churn uncomfortably. There was a dissonance that came along with it, his hand itched to reach out, to force Mingi in some way to make himself feel seen. He blanked trying to label the buzz of anxiety, he just knew he didn't like it. Hated it in fact. Just as Mingi opened his mouth to respond, Yunho cut him off.

 

“San seriously,” he scolded, sending him a strong glare. Strong enough in fact to make San cock his brow curiously. He saw from his peripherals Seonghwa and Mingi shared a look, the younger smirking as Seonghwa sent a quick conspiratorial wink. The jury was still out on whether or not he enjoyed how much the two of them already got along. He could practically taste the way they’d torment him once the inevitable time came for them to join forces. The coy grin San was sporting when he looked back soured him even more. Couldn't they see he didn't want Mingi to feel uncomfortable? He was very private about that kind of stuff as it was, if anyone was aware of that it would be him.

 

“What! I’m just getting to know him..” San tried to hide a glint of his mischief by pouting, hands shooting up as he shifted to check Mingi’s body language for himself. “This is a very common topic, wouldn't you say?” His indignant confusion flicked back to Yunho before scanning the other two faces at the table. Yunho didn't follow the lead, gaze still hard set on his childhood friend as he geared up to officially nip the topic in the bud. Only a breath got out of him before he was cut off. 

 

“Yun it's literally fine,” Mingi snorted, light and unworried brushing him off. Yunho couldn't help that confusion swarmed through his chest, Mingi seemed so outwardly calm but he never talked about relationships openly. Yunho even purposely didn't ask because the only time he ever had Mingi’s whole body deflated. But now, he was so calm. “No Sannie, I’m not seeing anyone. I'm really..” Mingi’s words trailed off as he finally looked fully at Yunho. His body language turned awkward, maybe only just for the first time realizing the way he was being stared at. That in itself slapped an awareness through Yunho that he was the one staring. Without missing a beat he quickly wiped away a little of the shock and whatever else was harboring on his face. Unfiltered, Mingi furrowed his brow, firm enough for Yunho to almost hear the sharp ‘what’ that would have normally come along with it. Yunho sat up a bit straighter, feeling Seonghwa’s ever curious stare bore into the side of his head. He didn't give it an ounce of attention, far too preoccupied. It wasn't necessary for him to understand Seonghwa was probably just examining how well Mingi had him trained. Not needing to utter a single word to keep him in line. 

 

“I’m really just focusing on work right now,” he turned back to San, answering almost diplomatically. “I'm finally starting to get some notoriety under my belt so I'm trying really hard to keep it,” Mingi seemed to relax as he shifted the conversation towards what he was doing instead of not seeing. “Really, I’m spending like all of my time in the studio. Or I'm on the train coming here. I don't really know when I’d have the time, to um- to date,” Yunho strongly nodded along with his words, his tipsy brain rattling in his skull as something about them settled a festering uncertainty he hadn't realized he possessed. 

 

“Yeah and he’s literally still working while on the train as it is,” Yunho scoffed, speaking to the room but not looking away. 

 

“Well that’s nice,” Seonghwa finally spoke, lifting his slouched back up from his palm on the floor to sit straight at the table. “It's great to see someone our age so driven. I feel a bit bad though, I haven’t quite kept up with the music you've put out recently. Yun even made us a playlist,” Yunho froze, that was definitely not something Mingi needed to know. It was a bit of a silent appreciation on his end, ever since the first song he worked on released he had been cataloging them. Mingi whipped his head over looking up at Yunho, his pout dripping with such potent adoration that his breath was snatched away before he could think to hold it in. The light on his face beamed forward, tanning him with Mingi’s mark as if he were sitting directly in front of the sun. Yunho reached up to tap the bottom of his chin, so focused he almost jumped as the other spoke again.

 

“But I'll be the nosy one to ask,” Seonghwa continued, cutting in, clocking them as Mingi quickly blinked back to the conversation, a smidge more flushed. San quietly poured the table another drink, the red of his cheeks always something Yunho found terribly endearing as he flushed through the motions. “Are you still open to dating or is it likeee so off the table it isn’t even on the menu?” It was almost comical the way Yunho’s daydreaming mind snapped back to the conversation. All Mingi's residual ease wrenched away as yet another burden he’d never thought to worry about crashed down on his shoulders.

 

Yunho's consistent apprehension had always surrounded the possibility of being replaced by another best friend. But the fear of how things would change if Mingi had a romantic partner struck him haggard. Would their touches be less, shorter hugs, a gaping absence of Mingi mindlessly twirling their fingers. Worse, could he stand to see his hands being held by someone else, an outsider subconsciously tangling their limbs together as if they weren't strangers. How much might their time spent together diminish. He didn't want to learn how to get used to another person being in his tight knit life. Worst of all, what if he didn't like them. Would Mingi take his side? Did he even possess the power and strength of that selflessness to let his distaste stay hidden. 

 

For the first time probably ever, the blush on Mingi’s full cheeks wasn’t something that comforted his mind. “No, not off the table,” he answered softly, glued to his spot as Yunho’s brain turned inside out next to him. “I’ve just never really.. I don't know. I've just never put it as a priority,” Mingi huffed, the humorless edge prickling at Yunho’s ears as Seonghwa squinted curiously, only listening more intently. “Honestly I’ve only ever been asked out like that probably twice in my life.” 

 

The uproar of his admission took the room in an instant, almost ludicrously kicking their energy up by ten. San threw his hands up screaming to no one in particular about the insanity of the general public. Seonghwa leaned over the table, crawling forward on his palms like a cat until he was fully stretched across the surface and grabbing at Mingi’s forearm, squeezing him with a vexing pout.  

 

“You never told me that,” Yunho whispered against his own will, octaves lower than the rest’s babbling. He barely registered the words falling out until Mingi turned to face him, expression a bit scrunched as he ignored the way drunk Seonghwa’s hands were still latched onto him. He quickly snapped away, not fully meeting Yunho again as a line indicative of a scowl folded over his brow. 

 

“Just never came up,” he dismissed directly, speaking quietly from the side of his mouth before grabbing Seonghwa’s wrist off his arm and clasping their hands together, snorting as he registered the incredulousness still flowing off the other two. 

 

“Minnnnieeee,” Seonghwa whined, the endearing name somehow already sounding natural to hear out of a mouth other than his own. At some point during the evening all their walls had been knocked down, now swimming in a bay of mutual familiarity. It was comfortable, just distracting enough to lose himself. “You have to tell us who!” He gushed, finally sitting up from where he was laying over the table, letting go of Mingi to clutch onto San beside him, the two practically bouncing on their butts with excitement.

 

“Yes we're dying. Who were the brave souls?” San barely finished before interrupting himself, redirecting to Seonghwa. “Seriously, only two is crazy. Like are people fucking blind?” This had Mingi grumbling, finally embarrassed enough to curl in on himself. Covering his face shyly still didn't hide his clipped giggle, letting out a little groan. 

 

“You don’t have to,” Yunho’s voice came out sternly, more serious than the room called for. It pulled Mingi out of his hiding spot. Finally looking at him, the hesitation gone as their eyes met. They were a bit hazy, Yunho could easily tell Mingi had reached the exact level of drunk he most enjoyed being. He hummed, lazily scanning his face as his hand reached up to pat his cheek, lingering a moment longer than needed as the younger carefully took stalk of his face.

 

“No it’s okay,” he grinned shyly, turning back to the group still blushing. His hand found Yunho's folded leg beside him, the knee the older had pressed to his thigh moments ago apparently not enough as he grounded them both with a single touch. Yunho almost resented the way his body physically reacted, his shoulders loosening the same way his core slackened. Just addictive  enough to momentarily ignore the vast discomfort, realizing he was actively learning things for the first time that his friends were there for too. The epiphany that there obviously were other things Mingi was willing to share but not with him was a nasty little mole, burrowing under his skin until he felt Mingi’s fingers flex more firmly over his thigh. 

 

“In college there was this friend of a friend,” Mingi started, a permanent smirk transforming his tone as he looked back to the memory. “He ran more in Wooyoungie’s circle than mine,” the other two nodded in unison. It was endearing, the way they were hanging on his every word. All the while Yunho’s heart was so close to bursting that even dissociating from said topic itself was a fleeting option. He felt weird about it, like it wasn't something Mingi should ever be telling people if he hadn't heard it himself first. Unfortunately he was still smart enough to recognize the bitter heat in the back of his throat was not something that usually came along with drinking. His limbs were still fuzzy from the soju, the energy radiating through his nerves originating from Mingi’s palm astonishingly distracting even with the bitterness sneaking over his tongue.

 

“He and I were in the same club and like to read similar manga so we spent a good chunk of time together. He’s a good guy and we truly got along well but it just didn’t feel right to me,” the two hummed along, so locked in on his words that Yunho wondered if they would even recognize if he got up and left the room. He let that alleviate him from the hole growing in his gut. “Also he was painfully oblivious to the fact his best friend had been outwardly pining for him since freshman year. Seriously, we like all knew about it but him,” he snorted, opening his mouth but cutting himself off to awkwardly clear his throat. “But they’re literally engaged now so it’s all good, even got an invite to the wedding,” he smiled more to himself than anything, a happy resignation at their fate together. Before San or Seonghwa could react, Yunho's voice was sternly cutting in. 

 

“Soobin asked you out?” San quickly looked at Seonghwa, the other’s pupils shaking a bit as he stared back just as confused. Mingi let out a small scoff, at the way his tone shifted scrutinizingly.

 

“Yeah like sophomore year…” he answered, trailing off almost like it was a question. “I think he and Yeonjun finally figured their shit out when we were juniors,” he provided the info steadily before turning back to the other’s with a more playful tone. “And oh my god he was so dramatic about it too, I have to tell you guys,” once again Yunho cut the other’s off before they could continue gossiping the way the conversation and their alcohol consumption was gearing them up to do.  

 

“Who was the other?” He almost demanded, a seriousness projecting into the room that wasn't quite appropriate. Yunho realized he simply couldn’t give less of a fuck that he was killing the vibe, shaking off the feeling of his friend's stares, nonverbally questioning the clear shift. 

 

“Oh, um.” Mingi cleared his throat a bit, looking at Yunho as he answered meekly. “It was Yeosang,” he mumbled before looking away as fast as he seemed capable. Yunho didn't appreciate how his friends' outright screaming gave Mingi an instant out to escape the seriousness of their fleeting eye contact. Trying and failing to ignore the blood pumping rapidly through his ears, muffling the sounds surrounding him as he continued to zone in on Mingi’s face.

 

“WHAT!?” San practically broke the sound barrier with his volume. Seonghwa had yet to unfreeze himself as he stared right at Mingi. Yunho didn't like that.

 

“What?” Yunho whispered, the layer of shock and outright confusion channeled just for Mingi to hear. 

 

“LIKE THE SINGER???” Seonghwa finally broke from the purgatory of his shock, grabbing San like it was the only way he could keep form sinking into the floor.

 

“Yeah,” Mingi snorted, aggravatingly ignoring the way Yunho was suspended staring at the side of his face. “Oh my god chill,” he laughed at San, the man rising off the floor to kneel, looking at him like he was the eighth wonder of the world. “I was on the production team for his upcoming album, we just wrapped. Actually!” He sort of gasped as if just remembering. “The album hasn't been announced yet so if any of you snitch I'll have your head on a stick," Mingi pointed while pouting at them, not registering that his menacing pressure was far from the focus of anyone else in the room. “But yeah, he asked when we all went out for drinks to celebrate,” Mingi’s little shrug was overshadowed by the two of them exploding once again, grabbing each other's forearms to shake as they quickly transformed into his own little cheerleaders. 

 

“Mingi that was last week,” the use of his name with no affections shocked his ears but it felt so much worse when Mingi turned his way looking out right physically pained. “Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice almost broke, clear to them all he was hurt. He couldn’t quite wrap his head around it, why out of all the people in the world would Mingi not tell him this when it had just happened. Yunho could easily reason away that with Soobin it had been so unimportant in the grand scheme that it just didn't make the cut for his next letter, but they were in a different era now. He was on the phone with Mingi multiple times a week, calling, facetiming and texting when neither could quite find the time. Yunho heard every bit of that album’s progress these last few months, the high highs and the lowest lows. So how could he not tell him this?

 

Seonghwa’s voice cut loudly over his question, once again pulling Mingi’s attention away. “Oh my god why did you say no!” He squawked the same time San exploded. 

 

“Yeah, he’s literally so pretty, are you dumb?” Mingi smiled crookedly and it hurt. That was Yunho’s favorite of his smiles. It was equally shy as it was cocky, tender and just a touch teasing. Not at all something his heart wanted another person’s existence to bring. 

 

“I dunno, not really my type I guess” he awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck, scrunching his nose in thought. “And in all honesty, I don't think I'd be a very good fit for the spotlight even if I did want to date him,” Yunho felt like he couldn’t breath, the more Mingi spoke the clearer it became that this had been more than just a passing thought. He’d spent time mulling it over, which by mingi standards meant it was nothing less than a real possibility. So why didn't he tell him? “I’d rather stay in the booth than be put under public scrutiny for dating a celebrity,” he shrugged, reaching for the closest bottle to pour them all another drink. Yunho clocked the way his fingers shook nervously, would Yeosang have been able to notice something like that too?

 

“That’s fair,” San pushed out a big breath, still a little shell shocked but coming around quickly. “Still legendary though, our Mingi the apple of Kang Yeosang’s eye.” Seonghwa gasped beside him, clutching onto San’s sleeve as he shook the fistfuls of fabric. 

 

“You could have been his muse!” He looked so excited that he might have been close to actually levitating. 

 

“If anything, and I think I'm understanding this correctly, but Mingi is the one writing the songs,” San glanced up, registering the small nod sent his way. “So in that case wouldn't Yeosang be Mingi’s muse?” Mingi snorted at the antics, knocking back his drink with a resigned hum. “You do tend to write a lot of love sick music~” San cooed, just drunk enough to miss the way Mingi’s next laugh shuttered.

 

“I kinda knew it was coming if I’m being honest,” he shrugged a bit, completely glazing his clear observation over. “We got pretty close over the last month but for me it wasn’t ever like that,” ‘Never like that.’ Yunho scoffed before he could stop himself.

 

Like muscle memory he dropped his hand to rest over Mingi’s, his motions gentle even with the confused scowl he couldn't seem to rub out. “I didn't know you were spending time with him,” he didn't mean for it to sound like an accusation, but it was pretty clear to everyone in the room there was little to no ease within the words. Mingi’s hand went completely still beneath his, which was a first. 

 

“I mean I do have other friends too, Yunho” he slipped his hand away to motion towards the two across from the table. It was painfully evident to Yunho’s body when Mingi did not replace his touch, instead slowly adjusting himself to put distance between their thighs as well. Yuhno’s drunk mind scoffed, hoping only after the fact that it didn't come out audibly to the rest of them as well. Wasn't it a smidge selfish of Mingi to not give himself back? He hated this new defensive tone Mingi took, not sure if he’d ever quite heard such a thing come out of his best friend.

 

“And it was mostly at work,” he spoke at Yunho before panning back out to the others, the strained politeness that had dissolved pretty early into the night reentering his composure. “We got a few meals together but it was always casual, there were no hard feelings. He's pretty down to earth,” Mingi practically ignored Yunho, directing the insider information to the two still lapping up his every word. Seonghwa was famously not ashamed to share his love for blind items and he was just about floating off his ass to hear something like this first hand. It took a few minutes but when Mingi finally glanced back at him another 'what’ over his lips barely had a chance to live before being replaced by a deep seeded frown. It only took another second for the younger to shrink in on himself. Yunho stupidly realized just a breath too late that he had never once been the cause of a reaction like that. “What,” Mingi finally hissed, but his harshness lacked conviction. There was no hiding it, especially to Yunho’s experienced ears, that he was anything other than unhappy. His brain going so far as to even say hurt.

 

That in itself was a wake up call. Yunho deflated, brain suddenly swimming in shame and confusion. So many unlabeled feelings instantly flowing through him that he could barely recognize one before the next took its place. Most of all, he wanted to punch himself. Apparently he couldn't keep that selfishness close enough to his chest to not impact him. “Sorry,” he whispered, knowing he only felt like an asshole because he was being one. Subconsciously he started gnawing at his lip, the worry overwhelming even as he watched Mingi’s defensiveness lessen. 

 

“Don't do that,” Mingi whispered, hand lightly batting at his chin to keep him from biting down hard enough to crack the skin. His touch was electrifying, immediately enough to stop the action of his teeth and then some.

 

San’s voice was the saving break in their tension. “Well I guess it’s true what they say, huh?” He glanced over the Seonghwa who was nodding along, clear that he was also trying his best to sieve the mood into a more stable direction. “Birds of a feather flock together and all that. Just another single gay to add to me and Hwa’s side of the friend group,” Yunho wished he could look away, but the slight chip he caused in his best friend’s behavior genuinely haunted him. It was punishing to look at but it’s was a punishment he knew he deserved. 

 

“Actually…” Seonghwa’s quiet and giddy voice dramatically pulled Mingi and San’s curiosity. It was lucky really that the other two were so preoccupied, that way it was only Seonghwa’s knowing mind that witnessed the true difficulty Yunho went through to pull himself away. Rejoining the conversation just a few beats too late. He didn't say anything even while acknowledging what he’d just seen, but Yunho knew it would be coming eventually. He paused, if it was for the other to refocus, or maybe for dramatic effect he was sure he’d never know. “I just started seeing someone and I really like him,” the group once again erupted in cheers and Yunho let himself be pulled along. Shedding as much of the unwanted feelings he couldn't quite describe in order to focus on the moment right before him. He could think about it later, or not. Maybe not. Right now though, it was his job to focus on the present and the way Mingi’s body slowly relaxed as he sensed Yunho’s do the same.

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

There was an inevitable lull in the evening, the sun had long since set and the number of empty bottles on the table quickly doubled. They all sat in the moment of limbo, comfortably without direction or purpose. At some point Yunho had bravely snuck his pinky back around Mingi’s, when he didn't immediately pull away Yunho practically heaved with relief. The younger shifted to look up at him, his eyes wide and shiny. He nodded graciously as Yunho frowned, an understanding hidden in his taught lower lip that Yunho was forever grateful for. A silent bandage of an apology given and accepted without words, undetected by the others. 

 

After that the relief in his chest made it hard to focus. Especially following San’s steep moment of fan fare as he suggested they watch a movie, pitching four off the top of his head fully unwilling to accept any suggestions. Mingi giggled a bit sleepily, somehow neatly tucked back to Yunho’s side. Seonghwa had grinned ear to ear once he saw it, focus flicking up to Yunho as once again he breathed deeply. He knew better than most that Seonghwa would have been privy to the depth of their screamingly silent tiff, he was just glad that his idiocy apparently hadn’t ruined the night for everyone else. Luckily Mingi never seemed to be able to hold any grudge towards him for long.

 

They settled on something mild, none of them quite sober enough to follow a true plot as they shuffled around the living room. Mingi stood to the side smirking as he watched them work together without needing to say a word. Seonghwa slowly pushed the coffee table towards the corner of the living room as San dashed to the hall closet coming back with a sleeping mat and arm full of blankets. He almost plummeted to the floor as he turned the corner, foot catching the bedding as he slid in Mingi’s direction. They were all giggles as San turned Mingi’s life saving catch into an unintentional hug, the taller inevitably grabbing one of the blankets as San pulled away to place down the mat.

 

Yunho watched them all fondly, a touch more distracted than helpful as he turned the tv on to find the movie. When he finally had it playing he wasn't all that shocked to find the puddle they’d formed around his couch. San had burrioted himself in a blanket, sunk so deeply into the cushions that he almost disappeared. If it weren’t for his jet black hair and starkly red cheeks poking out the yellow fabric Yunho would have barely known he was in there. Seonghwa had taken the middle of the couch, reclined back with one hand resting on where Yunho presumed San’s foot was hiding while the other lightly carded through the back of Mingi’s hair from where he sat on the floor. The youngest had his fuzzy blanket thrown over his legs, resting his back against the eldest's shins as his consciousness drooped with each scratch against his scalp.

 

Yunho quickly snuck around the corner only to come back from the kitchen with his phone in hand. He snapped a picture before any of them could adjust or protest, giggling to himself as he mindlessly favorited it and tossed his phone back on the counter. Mingi lifted the edge of his blanket in invitation as Yunho trotted back towards them, his heart thrumming fuller as the sleepy smile pointed up at him grew with his presence. He didn’t miss a beat, falling into a natural pace as he sat down and let Mingi scootch towards him, readjusting their bodies until they were comfortably arranged the way he wanted. 

 

The warmth at his side was borderline overwhelming as the younger draped the blanket over his lap as well. The sweeping of fabric wafted a gust of Mingi’s cologne directly at him, his gut fluttering as the familiarity of it rested his bones and filled his lungs. Yunho knew from experience that the weight already present in the way Mingi was leaning on his shoulder could only mean one thing. The man was moments away from passing out cold. Today it sparked something additional in his chest, normally he just couldn't help but coo at how cute he was, but it suddenly alluded to an affliction deep within him. That evening was the first and really only time they had ever been starkly upset with each other. Yet it was so clear nothing could compare to the overwhelming trust he had for Yunho. Knowing that no matter what he would be there to hold him safely. Mingi was comfortable with his friends too, already letting himself doze off without feeling at all guilty for not forcing himself to stay awake. 

 

In that moment Yunho could let his worries fade. This was what they had, their friendship didn't need to be tested because it was stark and unapologetic. He didn't need to think about the what ifs pounding against the barrel of his chest. Yunho could simply let them seep out and away, there was no need to keep them close when he knew all they would do was upset him, right? It was far easier to pretend they didn't exist. So that's what he settled on. And as Mingi’s head dipped suddenly lower, almost nodding off his shoulder, Yunho guided him down. Reaching awkwardly to sprawl the rest of their blanket over his outstretched body as he shifted him to rest over his lap. His own fingers taking Seonghwa’s place and gliding through his bright pink hair. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Unfortunately, Mingi had made it quite clear before coming over that he had no intentions of spending the night. Yunho didn't know why he insisted on leaving but the gentleman in his heart knew Mingi would be annoyed with him if he let him sleep so deeply he’d be too groggy to get back by himself. After about forty minutes Yunho began shaking him awake. It was cute, the hoarse little groans and wordless complaints spilling from his lips as he squeezed his eyes harder together. Yunho’s laugh made him whine, not wanting to be made fun of even if his behavior was so petulant. 

 

“Go away,” he mumbled, pressing his face deeper into the top of Yunho’s thigh as his arm wrapped further around his outstretched knee. Huffing he tried to shoulder off the touch Yunho continued to pat over his side. 

 

“I can't really do that when you’re latched onto my leg,” Yunho teased, his words a soft whisper low enough to be out of reach for the other’s. That had Mingi’s eyes shooting open, his arms going stiff as his brain malfunctioned, struggling to catch up to the fact that he was holding onto him for dear life. It wasn't all that unheard of for Mingi to steal deeper touches from him while asleep, a hand landing on Yunho’s chest or his leg thrown over his ankle. But this was certainly new and Yunho witnessed the exact second it dawned on him as well. Mingi shot up from where he was laying, his hands flying up to half rub, half cover his face as he twisted to sit back by Yunho’s side just a few inches away. He smiled, too fond as Mingi huffed, heavy lids finally opening. 

 

“What time is it?” He grumbled, looking down to Yunho’s lap like he was trying to rationalize that that’s where his sleeping body had just been. 

 

“You only slept for a little over half an hour,” he hummed, sluggishly nodding his head as he clearly tried to blink at a normal speed. “You said you wanted to go home tonight,” he took a deep inhale through his nose, rubbing his face again as he hummed.

 

“Right,” another sleepy sigh. “Right, yeah I did,” Yunho couldn’t have stopped himself from barking out a laugh even if he tried as Mingi practically shot into the air at Seonghwa’s soft voice behind them.

 

“Are you sure you can’t stay?” He smirked, biting down on his lip to keep from laughing. Yunho didn't know why but it lit some sort of flame in his chest to think Mingi had fully forgotten they were there. So struck by Yunho it made him lose track of his friends. “You’re so sleepy don't you think it would be better?” Mingi was shaking his head the second he screwed it back on. 

 

“No, I'll be fine Hwa. I can already feel myself sobering up, I think by the end of the movie I'll be awake enough to get a cab,” Seonghwa pouted, not liking the answer as Mingi turned back towards Yunho. “Thanks for waking me Pup.”

 

And there it was. That same burning heat he was still such a stranger to viciously pumping through his veins. He felt his arteries open as all the scorching blood in his system demanded to pulse stronger against every muscle, pore and cell of his body. Mingi tilted himself curiously, quickly noticing the way his ears burned. Yunho cleared his throat, not addressing the unspoken question Mingi sent his way before turning back to the tv. He could feel the weight of Mingi’s eyes against his face. Maybe it was karma for the way he had acted earlier, but the flush only grew stronger as Mingi inevitably moved to settle back. Without much thought, his strong hand wrapped around the inside of Yunho’s knee, squeezing once before letting his thumb trace slow patterns over where his head had just laid.

 

Unlike what Mingi said, Yunho was quickly realizing he was still in fact very drunk. He hadn't realized until every move the other made against him reverberated as an echo. Yes, he was definitely drunk, because there was absolutely no other explanation for the way his bones felt like they were aching to break away from their joints at every brush of skin. Or why he wanted to reach over and pull Mingi’s legs onto his, maybe even get him sitting fully on his lap? Nice and snug, absorbing the intensity of Mingi’s back against his chest. His earlier thoughts by the door swam back to him with a vengeance, unfiltered, unrestrained and so deeply wanting for his touch. But that wasn't like him, sober or not these thoughts didn't feel anything like his. It was just Mingi, there was no need to be confused when they had always been so black and white. 

 

The scariest thing was, it didn't really feel that scary. One quick internal ask of ‘do you like it?’ was resoundingly answered with a glaring ‘YES’. So then why did it feel so abnormal? He feared he was far too drunk to come to any conclusion and way too distracted by Mingi’s hand fitting so perfectly over his thigh to think straight. The humming in his abdomen was too loud to hear the movie, he just wished it was loud enough to glaze over the voice in his head asking ‘why, why why? Take more'.

 

By the time the movie ended San was teetering right on the brink of consciousness, barely standing on his own two feet as he threw himself into Mingi’s open arms. “No,” he murmured against the taller’s chest as Seonghwa relayed the information that, yes, Mingi did in fact need to leave. San grumbled, only burrowing further into him. The three barely caught every other word as he murmured something about him being ‘warm and soft’ and that he liked how he could 'tuck myself under your chin’. Mingi giggled at the display, Yunho had to fight off the unnecessary pang of jealousy whorling in the back of his mind where tenderness was meant to be living. It had no place, especially as Seonghwa circled his arms around San as well, hugging them both so he could also say goodbye before the youngest left. 

 

“Sannie you sound just like Wooyoung,” Mingi cooed as he continued to cling onto his tee for dear life. Seonghwa slowly wrapped firm arms around San's chest, holding him in place as Mingi finally weaseled far enough away to take a half step back. He and Mingi both laughed as San cursed at him half asleep, but Yunho didn’t give him another second to try and reattach, grabbing Mingi’s hand and pulling him from the living room. The older wore a cheeky smile as he heard his friends call out their last goodbyes, subconsciously intertwining their fingers as he giddily dragged Mingi towards the dark entryway. He didn't bother turning on a light, the soft glow from the lamp beside the couch and tv just close enough to let them see where they were going. 

 

The second their feet came to a halt Yunho spun Mingi around, pulling him to his chest. He didn't have to think twice, selfishly soaking up the last few minutes of their privacy, his brain easily convinced that he deserved it. Mingi was his friend after all, sue him if he didn't want to share any more of their time together. A small ‘oof’ came from the younger as they collided with a touch more force than Yunho’s drunk brain realized he had at his disposal, the sound quickly shifting to a soft giggle. Mingi’s giggle. The giggle that Yunho found he loved more and more every time he heard it. He was once again feeling greedy, desperate to hear it again as he grabbed at Mingi’s side. Yet this time no giggles followed, just a squeak transforming into a soft hum as Yunho’s fingers continued to flex over his hip. Yunho practically fell the rest of the way onto him, releasing most of his weight to tuck his chin over Mingi’s shoulder as his hand reached further around, sneakily and somewhat unintentionally slipping under Mingi’s baggy shirt to weld cool fingertips against the skin of his lower back. 

 

There was a light gasp in the air between them, Mingi going stiff for just one moment before relaxing himself into the hold Yunho was surrounding him with. A strong arm once again wrapped around Yunho’s neck as the other he had partially trapped by his chin lifted to lightly place over his opposite shoulder blade. 

 

He went stiff again as Yunho turned his head, lips briefly resting at the base of his throat before lazily grazing their way up the length of his neck and hovering over his ear. “You sure you can't stay?” Mingi’s whole body shivered as the words whispered over his tongue. Yunho decided he liked that, the younger never having reacted to his actions in such a way. He couldn't stop himself as he dropped back down, pressing his nose to the middle of Mingi’s neck as his hand slid static just a bit higher along his bare spine. Mingi cleared his throat, shifting slightly to hold Yunho more firmly in place, halting his range of motion just enough to keep him from teasing more of his skin. 

 

“You already have a full house Yun,” his voice was light, light enough that Yunho’s foggy mind didn't quite pick up on its strain. “Don’t worry about me, okay?” Yunho couldn't help but pull away with a small frown. 

 

“But I want you to be the one who stays, besides you have the furthest to go,” he whined, the pout he had put in place mirroring the kind he was usually on the receiving end of. Apparently having learned from the best. The younger huffed out a laugh, lightly shaking it off. Yunho realized then just how red his cheeks were. Even in the dim light the flush of his ears glowed against the dimmed backdrop of his pink hair. It must have been because they were drinking, Mingi did tend to get pretty red whenever they had soju.

 

“Ah, don’t give me those eyes Pup you know it’s not fair,” he smiled down fondly, Yunho felt his stare flash hot, surprised as something a bit heavier filled his veins even as he stayed wrapped around him like putty melting in the sun. He purposely blinked big a few times, long and exaggerated as he straightened himself up a bit, trying to gain at least some sense of control as he made it back to eye level. 

 

“But it works,” he pouted harder as Mingi snorted, raising a brow. The younger opened his mouth to respond, probably to tease and maybe even fluster, but the sudden stark pause in his demeanor finally snapped Yunho back to himself. With a sharp jolting realization he quickly noticed just how close their faces were. The way he could see Mingi's skin, the long since healed over acne scars scattering his cheeks, the delicate mole under his eye and the slight stubble coming in along the edges of his chin. This closeness was his doing, wasn’t it? His pout vanished even as his mouth stayed slack, lips parting as he gained awareness of their position, mere inches away. Yunho’s heartbeat started pumping blood to bang throbbingly against his pores, worse than before. Which he never could have imagined was possible. 

 

The arm not radiating heat over Mingi’s spine was still firmly grasped onto his waist. His grip held, making sure to press their abdomens together as the younger’s arm gently wrapped further behind his head. There was a frozen beat where they couldn't do much more than look at each other. Drunk vision lingering over Mingi’s face, shocked to realize just how much he had physically matured since that first picture all those years ago. He was so broad, taking up just as much if not more space in the hall than him. His toned body wasn't what it had been when they were kids, the lanky and awkward limbs now shapely, rounded out and hard to the touch. His sturdiness wasn't something he was quite used to feeling against him outside of San’s mandatory cuddles, but he never truly held the other in return. Well, not like this at least.

 

Something Yunho had come to appreciate about Mingi was that they were practically built to fit together. Being at almost the same height made it so Yunho never had to quite bend down to be at a comfortable position for the other. He was so used to hunching down in order to hug his girlfriends, to practically break his back leaning down to kiss them in a way that was comfortable for their height. Not with his Mingi though, his lips were only a breath away. Right there for the taking. He barely noticed the thought before taking a sharp breath in, shocked to see where his mind and eyes had just led him. 

 

Yet, still. He could have sworn he saw Mingi’s fall to his lips before suddenly glancing away just the same. Only he looked a little upset, pained even. Or was he just seeing the waves of defeat wash away their moment? Yunho couldn't exactly tell but either way it didn't sit well in his gut. Mingi slowly patted his chest, stepping away from his stiff body to grab his shoes. Not saying anything more, just shrinking a bit as he let out a stilted breath. Yunho’s suddenly felt way cooler without their closeness, subconsciously trailing tightly behind as Mingi moved further away. Yunho just stood there dumbly, trying his best to read Mingi’s sudden shift. It was truly frustrating, for maybe the first time he fully cursed his inadequacies for coming up empty. By the time he had his shoes on the silence was just about killing him. 

 

“Princess, I-“ Yunho stopped himself, because what was it that he even wanted to say? He once again felt the fuzzy blur of alcohol deep within his brain, words not coming quick enough as he scrambled. He watched the small confused frown on Mingi’s face grow deeper as he failed to light up like he usually would when called that name. “Um, just. I guess just let me know when you get home, okay?” Mingi huffed out a somewhat sardonic laugh, his face taking on a kind of sickly melancholy Yunho was sure he’d never seen on his best friend. Maybe that was because of the alcohol too. Still he melted into the serenity of Mingi’s palm as it generously cupped his cheek, gently patting once before brushing a thumb lightly under his lash. He barely paused there, not hovering for even half as long as Yunho was used to before pulling back. Yunho hadn't even realized he’d reached back out, hand grabbing sternly on the bottom hem of Mingi’s big shirt until he took another step to the door.

 

“Sure Yunho,” Mingi sighed, still not fully meeting his eyes. “Sleep well. And um, thanks for letting me meet them,” he nodded once over Yunho’s shoulder and like a clap of thunder he shockingly remembered it wasn't just the two of them alone in his apartment. He watched Mingi’s face as it grazed a path over the wall behind him, pausing a moment before shooting down to the floor, his lip twitching. “They are really great, I'm happy to know you’ve always been so loved.”

 

He didn't know what to say, for once dreading it might just be the wrong thing. Mingi didn't get like this with him, ever and he didn’t know what to do. “Yeah, and thank you too. They really like you a lot. But we knew they would.”

 

Mingi smiled but the effort was dejected. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but it just stayed there, finally looking to Yunho after what felt like an eternity. Yunho’s heart skipped when he took another step closer, which was weird. And it jumped a full two as Mingi laid a barely there hand over his shoulder, tilting his chin up to place the lightest kiss imaginable along his upper cheek bone, scorching the skin just below his eye. “I'll text you when I’m home,” he smiled for real and as good as it was to see Yunho couldn’t quite move from his spot enough to react, only managing a dumb nod in return.

 

The light of the hallway was blinding as Mingi opened the door. Stepping to the side he turned but not fast enough for Yunho to miss the sight of red stinging at the whites of his eyes. Wasting no time, he looked forward, slipping past and hustling down the hallway to disappear down the stairs without looking back. 

 

Yunho didn't immediately move back to the living room after locking the door behind Mingi’s quick retreat. He had barely gotten out a final goodbye before suddenly standing there alone, hovering in the dark hallway with a hand pressed against his cheek. It was buzzing, matching the way his gut had felt all evening. Yunho huffed out a laugh, calloused over with a dazed grief. Utterly ignorant as to why. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

“So how’s the girlfriend?” Seonghwa asked from over his steaming cup of coffee. San had already gotten up, quick to scurry out while muttering something about the gym as his lackluster goodbye, leaving the two of them to start the day alone. Yunho looked up from his phone a little confused before realizing what he was referring to. 

 

“Oh Hari? Yeah, I'm not seeing her anymore. Actually haven’t been for a while,” he commented dismissively, looking back to his open messages with Mingi. The last of which was to tell him he had made it back to his apartment and was able to stop at the convenience store for a snack, accompanied by a cute selfie of him tucked into bed before crashing. It cleared some of the lingering anxiety he had about Mingi’s long drunken escapade home. It was still an utterly unnecessary decision in his opinion when Mingi could have easily just spent the night as usual. Even with Seonghwa on the couch and San flopped over the spare mat on the floor, there was plenty of room to sleep in his bed like every other time he’d stayed the night. So what if his friends would’ve given him shit for it, they already had once he’d gotten back from escorting Mingi to the door and practically begging him to stay in secret. But he would have taken it happily. Then again maybe it was best that Mingi went, with all the out of pocket shit his drunk brain was feeding him. Yunho still couldn't quite place why Mingi had acted so off as he left, there was no way his drunk mind was remembering it incorrectly. Yunho hoped he had at least slept well. He was probably still sleeping as it was, the clock on the top of his phone reading way earlier than he would personally like for it to be the morning after having drinks. But Seonghwa had always been an early riser and Yunho wasn't one to back out of plans, even if they were made before he had a hangover. His attention flicked back up as he heard a deliberating hum coming from his friend, the kind he would always use to subliminally force them to listen. 

 

“And why’s that?” He hummed with the deeply false innocuousness he had learned to detect over the years. Yunho locked his phone, placing it face down on the counter before fully turning his attention. Now with both his eyes pointed towards Seonghwa, he directly saw the look he knew came along with that sound. Mother mode activated, i.e. he was screwed. Seonghwa had leaned himself against Yunho's small kitchen sink, still glued to his coffee as the other hand tightly wrapped around his midsection. 

 

“I dunno,” Yunho started, his friend’s brow shooting up before he could even finish crafting an excuse. “I guess we just didn't mesh well enough or whatever, not every girl can be the perfect one Hwa,” he shrugged, speaking his last words petulantly into a sip of coffee. The hot liquid scalded his tongue going down, but he was sure it would sting less than the lecture he knew he was in for. Seonghwa sighed, setting his own mug down in order to lean the full weight of his palms against the island Yunho was sitting behind. “We only saw each other for like give or take two months? Wasn't like we were getting married.” 

 

Dropping the act, Seonghwa barely let him finish before asking a question Yunho never could have been prepared to answer. “How long have you been in love then?” Pursing his lips, the older’s eerie glare only continued to build as Yunho spluttered, neck pushing back as a tangled astonishment crashed over his shoulders. 

 

“What? I was never in love with her… Why the hell would I break up with her if I was in love?” He rambled rapid fire, hands trying and failing to rub some of the growing irritation away from his half awake eyes. “Common Seonghwa, just say what you’re trying to get at. It's too early for the go around,” Seonghwa let out an exacerbated breath but shrugged all the same. 

 

“Fine,” he took a long sip of coffee, a righteous smirk showing from behind the mug as Yunho impatiently groaned. No doubt the bastard was enjoying himself. “How long have you been in love with Mingi?” It only took a second of processing for Yunho’s jaw to hit the floor. All the gears in his brain lurching to a halt, screeching as he looked dead into the eye’s of someone so clearly self assured in what he thought was an undeniable fact. Seonghwa raised his brows again, neck pushed out with a tilt, urging him to say anything without lying. 

 

“Mingi?” Seonghwa nodded, ignoring his almost mocking tone, only watching as Yunho started to blink rapidly. 

 

“Yeah Yunho, Mingi,” the room stayed silent as his brain screamed, blaring white noise as it bashed itself against his skull repeatedly. Seonghwa must have been joking. He was not in love with Mingi. Yeah of course he loved his best friend, but there was no way in hell he was in love with him. No way. 

 

“You can't be serio-”

 

“I’m so deadly serious Jeong Yunho and I think you know that. This isn't something I would ever ever joke about,” Seonghwa quickly rounded the table to perch himself on the empty stool next to Yunho’s, comfortingly placing a light hand over the one frozen to the counter next to his phone, squeezing gently. The contact was enough to jerk him back even as his head continued to spin off its axis. “It's pretty clear to me your feelings for him are much more than platonic,” Yunho blinked dumbly, his breath entering him at an uneven pace.

 

“Wha-”

 

“And honestly I think San has thought that for a long ass time too but has been too scared to say anything. Which I will be having a conversation with him about,” his tone was kind but the words couldn’t feel anything but sharp. “I've never once in my life seen you act like that with someone and we lived together for five years Yun,” he added softly, his smile taking on the type of superior understanding you’d show a child struggling to express their emotions. 

 

“I- I’m sorry but I just-” Yunho huffed the confusion seeping from his face so clear it veered pitiful. “I just. I really don't know what you mean.”

 

“Come on,” Seonghwa stood, pulling Yunho up to shove him towards the couch. “Sit,” he commanded with a soft tone. He went willingly, mindlessly grabbing his coffee before sinking into the cushions as his friend followed more gracefully behind. “I'm not trying to make you freak out but like, you've never been an outside party watching the way you guys interact with each other. I need you to understand that while I've only just met Mingi, I know you like the back of my hand,” in saying it, Seonghwa reached to take his again. Smiling softly as he patted his forearm, the skin below his palm itching in a failed gesture Yunho was sure he meant to be comforting. “I’m sorry Yunho but it’s super clear you need some kind of intervention here,” the older couldn't hold back a huffed coo as Yunho tilted his head to the side. 

 

“Intervention?” Seonghwa nodded gently, taking a deep breath.

 

“I mean you're buying him jewelry,” Seonghwa said almost exacerbated, like his point was somehow already self explanatory. “Real jewelry,” again Yunho looked at him dumbly, the floor still so far from under his feet it was a shock he wasn't somehow splayed out on his ass. “Not because it was a holiday, or his birthday or like, even a big work success, just to ‘spoil’ him. And on a journalist's salary,” the younger just blinked back dumbly. “Yunho…”

 

“What! What, Hwa. What? I saw something and I knew he would like it, is that really so crazy?” The older sighed almost painfully, ignoring the way Yunho’s volume was uncharacteristically rising. Adjusting himself to sit a bit straighter he took a deep collecting breath.

 

“Fine, let's do it this way. So, in college, how long was your typical relationship? I know just in the time we've known each other you’ve been in one more than out,” Yunho nodded, it was true. It wasn't like he sought them out, but he was friendly and kind. Had the physical build most girls were fond of and always did his best to get along with everyone. The girls at university just sort of flocked to him back then and oftentimes he was too nice to say no until way more time had passed by then he’d meant for. It usually ended in an awkward conversation and a bout of one sided tears, Yunho always struggling to find a way to comfort a person he was never truly interested in.

 

Seonghwa was unfortunate enough to have been a first account witness more times than Yunho would have liked to admit. Always grimacing from afar as the younger pleaded silently for help out of the situation. ‘It’s your bed to lay in until you can grow a spine and stop things before it’s too late. It’s not fair to you or these poor girls, Yunho,’ was something he heard often in those formative years. The guilt would eat him alive, San even asked him once if he was doing it on purpose to actively punish himself. Of course then outright refusing to elaborate on what he meant even as Yunho begged him too. 

 

“I haven't really thought about it that much,” Seonghwa gave him a moment to fester, taking a deep sip of his coffee as Yunho’s sat untouched and cooling. “I guess on average like two to four months? Never longer than five I don’t think,” he shrugged his shoulders, still not finding the point. Seonghwa nodded like it was exactly what he expected to hear. Had he really been paying that close attention? Yunho realized then that maybe he did date more than others. Perhaps it was just because he struggled to say no, but it wasn't like it was ever his main focus. Back then he was just surviving for school. He didn’t really prioritize anything too heavily outside of making sure his friends came first. Well, they came first right after letters from Mingi. But they all knew that… everyone did.

 

“Right, and what usually brought it to a head?” The leading questions were getting kind of annoying, Seonghwa always had a tendency to try and force them to reach a conclusion independently versus just getting directly to his point. Sometimes it was nice, they could learn about each other the same way it often caused him to learn about himself, but this was starkly different. This mattered way more and he was kinda starting to freak the fuck out

 

“I don't know,” the frustration was clear in his voice as the words came out snappy, his hands fidgeting with the material of his sleep shorts. Softer, he repeated, “I don't know. Probably school? It always kept me busy,” Seonghwa agreed even though Yunho could tell it wasn't the answer he was searching for. “Really Seonghwa, I need you to get to the fucking point or I might actually have a panic attack,” the absence of stability in his voice took him by surprise but it didn’t quite phase his friend. 

 

“I actually didn't really make the connection until recently. I mean, I had my suspicions since our senior year but seeing you together last night was like, wow. It all just clicked,” he wasn't even able to get out an indignant ‘WHAT clicked’ before Seonghwa was filling in the blank. “Do you realize that you broke up with whatever girl you were ‘accidentally’ dating pretty much immediately after you got his next letter?”

 

Yunho felt the world around him start to crumble. “What?” The whispered question slipped from his mouth with a weight he could barely manage as the room fell away, plummeting him through liminal space. There was literally no way those things could be correlated. It wasn't like he was unprepared for his next letter, Yunho literally kept notes in between of what he wanted to make sure made it into the pages he sent back. It wasn't like it was always on the forefront of his mind even during the waiting period. Or maybe it was? 

 

“Almost every time. Like seriously, it just depended on how busy ‘your Mingi’ was,” he nodded, rubbing a sturdy grounding hand along his shoulder. Yunho shook his head, if it was to clear his mind or deny the claim neither of them knew. “There is nothing wrong with it, Mingi is a wonderful person.” Yunho could barely hear him anymore, his mind spinning out of balance as he felt his sockets prick, ducts stinging as he closed them tightly, refusing to let them open. Refusing to look at Seonghwa’s caring face or the picture of them he had framed and sitting under the tv next to his gaming console, refusing to feel the softness of the throw blanket brushing against his leg that he'd bought because Mingi kept complaining about being cold.

 

“That just can't be right though,” he whispered, eyes finally creaking open to meet the other’s, round and barely hiding their excitement. They were shining piercingly, serious and so clearly determined that it forced a shocked hiccup out of him. His heart pounded uncomfortably, a physical reaction he wasn't used to experiencing without good reason. 

 

“I've thought a lot about this, I’m not just saying it to fuck up your day, okay?” He nodded, the movement groggy but still aware. Yunho knew without a shadow of a doubt it wasn’t something he would ever do, not needing an ounce of convincing on that point. What he did need however was reassurance. His gaze snapped back, much clearer than before in less of a confused haze. “Mingi always listens to you about your relationships right?” Yunho nodded again, worried that at this rate he was going to have a sore neck by the end of their conversation. “But he never talks about his own…” his words trailed off like they were once again begging him to connect the pieces. 

 

“Well duh, because he’s never dated anyone,” Yunho snapped back defensively, a touch too quick. The strength of his denial forced petulance to seep out of the decaying cracks of his shotty armor. Seonghwa just raised a brow, lips curled into a kind but once again sympathetic smile as he stared back in silence. The older pressed his mouth into a line as the moment stretched in limbo. He sighed, a touch of that hidden frustration finally cracking through as he squinted.

 

“And in the nearly eleven years you've known each other, why might he have never seriously dated anyone, Yunho? Because it's not like he’s hard to look at or poorly groomed and we both know he’s very charming. You didn’t even know he had ever been asked out before until last night. Why do you think that is?” Yunho opened his mouth to speak but the words just wouldn't come out, flapping open and closed like a fish as a bolt of electricity shocked through his nervous system. There was a very long bated breath, everything in the room at attention as his unsettled energy whirled around them. With a gasp, the tight crease in Yunho’s forehead gave away as the buzzing in his ears all but vanished. 

 

“What the fuck..” he whispered shakily. Seonghwa sighed deeply, a clear sense of relief swarmed him as his body sagged back, head hitting the couch.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Wait but- I mean, no. No I didn't- wait. What?" The static in his limbs crawled up to fry each sentient thought he possessed, spluttering as his entire world came to a halt. Did he love Mingi? No, was he in love with Mingi? Song Mingi his best friend in the entire world, Mingi the person he told everything to, the boy he was gifted by the universe and grew beside him ever since. The man who was successful and now flourishing in his life, a life that was now suddenly in reach to willingly share. Yunho practically scoffed, his eyebrows screwing up as he looked back with a new harshness. “But he doesn't love me.”

 

“Oh my god,” Seonghwa groaned, cursing under his breath as he laughed sardonically. He pinched the bridge of his nose, something much more akin to a frown settling over his typically smooth complexion. “I know I only just met the guy but Yunho you talk about him so much I even know his fucking blood type!” Yunho scoffed but its acidity was miles less than Seonghwa’s following snort of mirth. “What I mean to say is that I feel like I know him decently enough through what you’ve told me, what San has said and what I've now seen with my own two eyes. I mean seriously if I could tell he was in love with you just by how you talk about the way he acts you must be literally blind.” 

 

“Hey,” Yunho pouted, all denial whooshing from him as that upset turned back into fear, his big shaking eyes forcing another groan out of Seonghwa. “Don't be mean to me, can't you see I'm spiraling.”

 

“Sorry, Yunho, it's just been a long time coming on my end. I promise I'm not actually frustrated with you,” Yunho nodded but the way his teeth were worrying over his lip said otherwise. An image from yesterday, Mingi tapping his chin to get him to stop, flooded his vision as his lip slipped from between his teeth. He groaned, hand flying up to run through his bed head as he tried to take a relatively unsuccessful deep calming breath. 

 

“But I’m not- Hwa, I’m not gay?” His voice cracked on the non question. That was the only thing he could settle on, his last chance at clinging on to what life was before Seonghwa had woken up and decided to open his mouth. He could feel his face twisting as he was pelted with the most disconnected vehemence he could ever remember feeling. Only after a breath recognizing that he had felt this diss regulation before, when he was a junior in high school, the month after he had gotten his first girlfriend and the same month Mingi had missed his first letter. Shit. “W-well, at least I’ve never thought so? Like seriously Seongie, I'm trying to think,” he prattled out, a new sense of loss taking root in his tone. “B-but I’m pretty sure I’ve never even noticed guys like that before,” he looked up, vulnerability almost painfully oozing out of him. The tenderness he knew to expect from his eldest friend was there, only now laced with something more aligned with deep understanding. Like he had been here before himself, knowing he could be something to Yunho he hadn't ever gotten from the universe. 

 

It was in that understanding that Yunho realized, right then and there, he had been thinking about Mingi like that, as recently as just the night before. 

 

That he had been the one clinging to Mingi's body, brushing lips over his skin and fingertips along his bare spine, not registering that he'd been standing practically frozen against him. The one encroaching on his personal space while shameless enough to beg him to stay. Even earlier in the night, he had looked across the table only for his heart to flutter. His friends were so taken by him, at the way his laugh filled the space, melting him all the way from a distance. How his stomach had dipped as Seonghwa knowingly made sure to tell him how Mingi was handsome at first glance. The shocking thrill he felt when Mingi had arrived with the sliver of his necklace peeking from under his shirt, as if he'd seen him without it since the day he opened up that gift box. The possessiveness that filled his chest when Mingi called him the day before, nervous out of his mind at what his friends would think. Not for the first time, subconsciously getting stuck on how their bodies would perfectly fit together. 

 

He’d known for a long time that, of course, attraction went deeper than physicality, that personality sparked more in him than a body ever could. Yet here he was, confused and downright scared to examine how those boxes were only now magically checked in Mingi’s favor. Just a single second of thought made him see that maybe yesterday wasn't the first time. They had just been smaller, easier to ignore when gone unaddressed, unrecognized.

 

“There is this crazy thing called bisexuality Yunho, you should look it up sometime,” Seonghwa scooted a bit closer, tentatively like he didn't want to spook him with any sudden movements. “But you don’t need a label to know you’re into someone, or more importantly I think in this case, head over heels for them. Just because you’re not sure of that aspect doesn’t change who you already are,” Yunho found himself nodding, shocked by the movement he didn't seem to have any control over. “Your eyes just sparkle when he's around. And not the normal ‘Yunho sparkle’, like full on ‘hung every star in the galaxy’ heart eye sparkle. I've never seen you look at someone with so much love.” Yunho took in a shaky breath as a wave of guilt threatened to drown him where he sat. Could that really be true?

 

“It’s just that... it’s never been an option. For me, that is. And I mean just me,” Seonghwa seemed to read between the lines pretty quickly. The cross in the hallway biting a hole through his peripherals as he remembered the way Mingi had stood frozen, staring blankly at it. Was that what he was thinking? If it was true, if he did love him was Mingi trying to rationalize why his internalized biases might always be in the way. No, he wasn’t like that. Maybe his grandparents were but definitely not his mom. Most importantly not him, he had never been close minded for the actions of others. Maybe that blockage just stockpiled up for himself, leaving him to deal with the fallout of his generational baggage. In fact most of his friends were at least a little bit gay. What was it that San had said the night before, ‘birds of a feather’?

 

“But yesterday,” Seonghwa’s face lit up as Yunho continued to concede, opening just a hair wider as the younger bit down on his lip, like he was fighting himself to get every syllable out. “Hwa I- god,” he huffed sardonically, tipping his head back as his friend scooted just a bit closer, his knee sending a grounding pulse through Yunho’s thigh. “I felt- well, sometimes I feel different when we are together. Nothing like when it's just you or San,”  Seonghwa nodded rapidly, alight and excited like a child on Christmas. It was not helping, still sputtering to find his words. Any words, actually. “When we were saying goodbye, IthinkImighthavealmostkissedhim,” he shoved out as if it was one word.

 

“Oh wow,” Seonghwa practically gasped under his breath. Not loud enough to keep Yunho from continuing to unravel.

 

“I just- it's how we've always been with each other so I- but recently.. I- fuck, I just. Now I don't know what to do, Hwa,” he felt like crying, which was silly. But he just couldn't shake the feeling that everything was about to change and he wasn't quite sure he wanted that. It was too terrifying to even entertain a positive trajectory. 

 

“And I can't tell you what to do, Yun. I'll always be here to listen, but I can't tell you how you feel,” Yunho felt an overwhelmed tear pool around his lashes just as Seonghwa saw it himself, his hand lifting at the speed of light to wipe it away. “Thank you though, for trusting me with that. I know how scary it was to say,” Yunho’s eyes stayed closed, terrified to open them knowing more would fall the second he saw the kindness that was sure to be washed over his friend’s face. “All I'm saying is that you should take some time to think about it, okay? You're smarter than you give yourself credit for, so maybe just try to look at it from that perspective, it might surprise you,” Yunho hummed, hearing him but barely processing his words. “It doesn’t have to be scary Yun, it can be exciting I promise,” he could hear the soft smile in his words as Yunho nodded. Still, he pulled further into himself, his shoulders sagging as he gently placed clasped hands in his lap. “I think Mingi would be happy if you did,” Seonghwa finished softly, not looking for a response as he relaxed back against the couch, lifting his feet to tuck under Yunho’s thighs, allowing him to sit quietly in his own world. 

 

“Okay,” he whispered to the room a few minutes later, barely loud enough for his own ears to pick up.

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

 

Notes:

gasp Yunho gay confirmed??!? oh the drama of it all.

<3

Chapter 12: Part 2: Worth

Notes:

7.7k

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

✮ My Love Mine All Mine - Mitski ✮

Moon, tell me if I could

Send up my heart to you?

So, when I die, which I must do

Could it shine down here with you?

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Mingi knew he was pacing but he just couldn't seem to stop his feet. He wasn't quite sure how long it had been since he picked up his phone but he knew it had been open to Yunho’s contact for at least a good fifteen minutes. The issue at hand was that he didn't want to tell him what he had to say. Didn't want to hear how he would react, didn't want to speak it into existence and most of all didn't want to put any more distance between them then the forty minute commute to each other’s apartments already took. But he had already signed the contract. As many times as he reminded himself that this aspect of things wasn't a big deal and it wasn't some sort of deadly finality that would keep them separate forever, his heart still dared to disagree. It would be a while. Sue him that being so physically close to the other had completely spoiled his heart. 

 

Mingi had accepted a pretty lucrative offer to produce an album for an artist in the states. Frankly, it was a crazy opportunity, one that he simply couldn't pass up on. Not that his company would have let him. Hongjoong, his counterpart at the Seoul studio, had called him to scream his ear off. Ignoring all pleasantries to immediately start scolding him, making sure he fully understood that not taking this opportunity would be idiotic. Knowing Mingi well enough to understand there would need to be some convincing on a personal level before he could put his professional career at the forefront of his decision. Mingi had already been aware he'd take it the second the email hit his desktop. Even with how daunting the time frame was and how far it would undoubtably push him out of his comfort zone. He just had to see it through.

 

He and Wooyoung celebrated first thing, drinking and eating gluttonously until they were both sprawled out on his couch with the top button of their jeans popped open. It took that beat of rest for what he’d done to really hit him. More so what he set himself up for without discussing it with the person he’d hate to be away from the most. 

 

Wooyoung censed the shift almost instantly, probably surprised that it took him this long to say anything about it at all. The topic of Yunho was one that had built itself a part in their everyday lives. The younger’s begrudging love for Mingi was clearly the only thing stopping him from screaming into the void time and time again. Still, he very vocally claimed that the repetitive nature of Mingi’s constant self doubt in their relationship was sometimes worse than waterboarding.  

 

“You need to tell him soon,” he spoke to the ceiling before Mingi even had the chance to try, his ragged breath enough for Wooyoung to cut him off at the jump. 

 

“I know,” Wooyoung popped his head up from where it was laying over the armrest at an ungodly angle, shoulders staying down as he looked at his friend skeptically. There was no fight, no argument, no doubt. Just a thin line of trepidation sewn across his forehead that was enough to make the other a little unsteady. “I just don't really want to hear the way his voice shifts. Like…” Mingi sighed deeply before sitting up, turning to look at Wooyoung from where he was still slumped along the cushions. “I know eventually he's going to be excited for me, but I also know exactly the way his voice changes when he is upset and doesn't want me to feel bad about it,” Wooyoung hummed, lifting himself to his elbows before cocking his head. 

 

“You'll still have to tell him anyways though, sorry Mangi,” Mingi nodded, standing fully to stretch his shoulders before reaching a hand down to his friend. They both ignored the clear defeat in his posture as Wooyoung let the taller pull him off the couch. 

 

“You’re staying the night?” Wooyoung hated the sound of his voice, the celebration clearly long since run from his system as they trudged towards his bedroom. The two settled down on their back after quickly brushing their teeth and changing into the matching pj’s Mingi got custom embroidered with their names for whenever he slept over. The room was quiet but after a youth of living together they both knew how to recognize the other was restless. 

 

“It will be okay, you know?” Wooyoung whispered, squeezing the hand laying limply between them. “He will understand,” Mingi gave him a singular hum, not fully trusting his voice to respond as he interlaced their fingers in return. “Besides, maybe this can be what finally gets you guys to actually talk about it all,” Wooyoung teased, giggling lightly at the disgruntled huff of air that pushed its way out of Mingi’s nostrils, turning on his side before snuggling deeper under the covers. 

 

“Night Woo,” Mingi mumbled quietly, sighing as he reached up to run a hand through his hair. They stayed quiet even as they both lay awake, knowing there was nothing left to say before the sun came up. 

 

He didn't realize he had hit the call button until Yunho’s somewhat distracted voice came through the loud speaker along with the now well known clicking sounds of valorant blaring in the background. 

 

“Hey Princess, what’s up,” he mumbled. Mingi could almost see it, the way his focus was flicking across the screen as he rested the phone between his shoulder and ear, the small 'hmph' of air leaving him as a clear sound of a hit jumped from his computer speakers. 

 

“Yu do you have a minute?” His voice came out weaker than anticipated, definitely not helped by the fact his subconscious made the call before his mind could actively steal over his voice. The sounds of Yunho’s game immediately cut off, Mingi couldn't help but bite at his lip over the fact Yunho could tell so quickly he needed his full attention. The swoop in his stomach made his throat clamp up even more as he shuffled himself over to the couch.

 

“What’s wrong?” His voice was already tinged with worry. Mingi wanted to kick himself, this was not the foot he was hoping things would jump off on. His and Wooyoung’s long conversation flashing through his mind, the hours of preplanning they did no longer relevant as Yunho’s caring tone quickly ripped through his resolve to speak evenly. “You’re upset,” not a question, just a jagged urgency that sent nails through the lump in his throat. Mingi clearly hadn’t responded to him as instantly as he needed, humming again to prompt him. Each sound growing more tense.

 

“I have to tell you something an-d,” he whispered, once again kicking himself for how pitiful he felt as his voice started to wobble. He took another deep breath and cleared his throat, strengthening his voice even though he knew Yunho would see right through it. “And I don't think you’re going to like it very much.”

 

“Okay,” he said calmly, clearly trying to settle Mingi with his own stability, he wished he could hate that it was actually helping. “Don't worry about me Min, just.. Please tell me what’s going on.” 

 

“Well,” he huffed, his head lurching back as he snorted. It was so dumb, he was so dumb, why couldn't he just say it. “Nothing is wrong per say,” he hummed along to himself, like he was still working through the words as if he hadn't been practicing them over and over in his head for the last forty-eight hours. “It's actually an incredible opportunity. But um- I kinda..”

 

“Mingi you're killing me,” Yunho’s voice cut through sternly, the barely blunted edge of his words instantly giving away he was no longer level enough for the worry not to show through his visceral need to sooth. 

 

“Sorry! Sorry. I- well, I’m going on a work trip!” He rushed through the explanation, his voice tilting up at the end somewhere between forced excitement and a lingering question. There was a long pause and he so deeply wished he could see Yunho's face. Maybe Wooyoung was right in saying this should have been a video call, but at the time he just couldn't face him. Maybe that was the first bit of regret he held. 

 

“Well, that’s great,” his voice sounded both relieved and confused. Like he couldn't quite understand what the big to do was. “And why are you so worried?” He added gently, always so gentle.

 

“Um,” he paused, hearing Yunho snort a laugh, this time taking his pause a lot less serious. Mingi realized Yunho had already decided to throw his own anxiety away, sensing him just being dramatic. Having the experience to know the patterns of his wavelength, he was perfectly capable of recognizing when it had him talking in circles. But he didn't know, didn't know what Mingi was thinking and for the first time he realized Yunho probably wasn’t prepared enough. It made it even harder to get out. “It’s going to be far away,” he forced, honestly getting a bit annoyed by Yunho, just humming lightly in response. Mingi could hear the small smile on his lips and it made his own heart pound hard against his ribcage. Not a single damn day went by without that mouth playing behind his eyelids, without wanting to kiss his lips or yearn to force them into saying things he might not even feel. Right now though, he couldn't help but frown, frustration almost sympathetically taking his anxiety's grasp of the reins. 

 

“Fun,” he put simply, the click of his mouse moving again. Mingi wished he could get it out quicker. A weird tinge of despair started to tie itself around his ankles, making quick work as a carnivorous weakness nudged him closer to the water's dark edge. Yunho was clearly losing urgency within the call. “You’ll get to travel,” Mingi stopped breathing, taking in the sound of Yunho’s like it would be enough air for the both of them. He felt his eyes stinging as he did everything in his power to garner every ounce of courage at his disposal. Mingi was well aware he was probably being over the top, but the only way to get it out was to rip off the bandaid. He just knew how bad the adhesive would sting. All of it was hard. He let himself breathe deeply once, counting to five before opening his mouth. 

 

“Like. America far,” the line went silent, no clicking, no breathing, not even the squeak of his old rolling chair. After another beat Mingi quickly pulled the phone away, tapping on the screen to make sure the call hadn’t dropped, but of course it hadn’t. Mingi started biting at the corner of his nail, the longer that stillness blanketed over them the more he feared he would be right about Yunho’s response. The more he prepared himself for the strained tone his next words were bound to take. 

 

“Oh.”

 

Mingi cringed, dragging his legs up to balance his heels against the couch, fisting the loose fabric of his sweats as he wrapped his arms around his knees. It hit harder than Mingi thought it would and maybe in the long run it was just because he had been expecting it so implicitly, dreading it more like. “And how long will the project take?” The positive inflection at the end of his question was the exact falseness he predicted the second he saw the legal documents printed out in front of him. Just as much as Yunho could sense Mingi’s distress, Mingi had gotten just as good at reading him, reading everything. His brain wasn’t functioning very fast, especially for how critical his voice was coming back over the line. “Princess?” 

 

“Ah,” he huffed, slowly bonking his forehead against the closest kneecap, taking a deep breath. “Probably like five, six months,” he cleared his throat, blinking rapidly as he tried to leach all the emotion from his voice. “Less if we can get the album done in time. It all depends on how the artist and I work together, especially since we will need to have a translator with us,” he stopped himself from rambling, the sheer silence on the other line just as defining as it was the first time. “It will be my first solo project as a producer,” his voice turned small, a twinge of guilt over shadowing the outlined accomplishment as he waited what seemed like an eternity for Yunho to say something. To utter anything.  

 

“Wow,” his voice came as a whisper. Mingi felt his heart crumble, scattering across the carpet, under the couch and skidding down the hall in a million tiny pieces. “That's an incredible opportunity Minnie,” a wet laugh ripped out of the younger without permission. The unhidden sardonic and devastatingly discontented undertone deep enough to feel as if it came from someone sitting to his side. He threw his head up trying to stop the self pitying tears endlessly welling up from falling. 

 

“See-” his voice cracked unflatteringly, forcing a small snarky hiss from his chest. “I told you you would be upset,” Wooyoung’s reassuring words of ‘it doesn't matter either way, it won't change anything between you,’ rattled around his skull, doing everything in its power to latch onto some sort of surface, not able to stick. 

 

“Hey. Mingi, shush,” Yunho’s voice changed in an instant. The shake of his doubt shrinking as small as possible the second he heard the tears enter Mingi’s chest. “I’m sorry, I’m not being mindful,” he scolded his tone, Mingi could almost see the way he was shaking his head, the cute pout that would be on his mouth as his brows furrowed seriously. He melted, wishing he was right next to Yunho so he could crawl up to his side and tuck himself under his arm, inherently an action that could comfort them both. Maybe that time Yunho would finally tell him not to leave and really mean it. “I’m so proud of you. You’ll be amazing I just know it,” the smile in his voice was luckily much more genuine, but Mingi knew, there was just no way that charm was reaching all the way to his eyes. Especially when his voice wavered again so quickly. “Besi-achm besides, we went years without seeing each other. We can survive a few months, right?” 

 

“Right,” Mingi gave back with an equally false finality. “You're right,” he just wished he could convince the murmur in his heart the same. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Wooyoung sat across from him with a coffee in hand, squinting behind his deep yellow sunglasses as the late morning light beamed through the front window of their go to cafe. The younger had arrived the night before to make sure Mingi finished packing on time. Muttering ‘woah Pinky Minki got a refresh,’ before ruffling his hair once and planting his butt on Mingi’s bed to direct him around as if they were the ones packing for him. Apparently, and according to his authority, it was very important for him to have the final say on if each item deserved a spot in his overstuffed case. Mingi knew for a fact that more than half the time he would be pulling up to the studio in sweats. Still, he couldn't ignore that he was right in saying that for at least the first month he should try to make a good visual impression. He’d known before signing the contract that the artist’s team would be filming segments of the process and it would be over Wooyoung’s dead body that he didn't look cool, calm and collected. Or like the project's ‘mysterious and quiet brilliant mind’ as he dubbed it. Mingi had scoffed, knowing the only reason they might think he was ‘mysterious’ was because he could barely speak English and that Jongho liked to play around with his translations a bit too much to remain strictly professional. Yet it was still enough to bring the smile Wooyoung had been digging for all evening up to grace his lips. 

 

“I haven't seen one of these in years,” he puffed out, sliding the letter Mingi slapped to the table back across the surface like he wanted it as far away as possible. Mingi shook his head pushing it back towards him, brow cocking sharply as he stared him down. 

 

“I need you to read it,” Mingi commanded, sounding more convicted than he had about anything in weeks. Wooyoung looked shocked for a second, his shoulders shifting back like he needed the extra space to check that Mingi’s head was still screwed on straight. He pursed his lips. A skeptical hum buzzed through him as if he was trying to find the missing piece. 

 

“You never let me read them,” the accusatory tone wasn't lost, they both knew it was out of line with his typical boundaries. Mingi had always been private when it came to the letters, when it came to Yunho. Even if it was in direct contradiction to the way he consistently trapped Wooyoung in an echo chamber of his droning feelings. 

 

“This time is-” he glanced down at the letter, his pointer finger still pressing it against the table practically trying to set flame to the paper with his mind. Maybe if he burned it the words would go with, taking his feelings alongside. “This time it's different Woo,” he sighed, finally retreating to gingerly take a compulsory sip of his drink. The ice of his cup was cool against the scorch his stationary left behind, but unfortunately the cold beverage did nothing for the heat on his cheeks and neck. He really needed new friends, all the ones he had knew him too well. He couldn't get away with shit anymore. 

 

“Okayyy, why?” Wooyoung asked, not taking the time to mince words as he glanced back down at the letter. Clearly not quite sure it wouldn't jump at him and cut. 

 

“Because it's the letter. Like THE letter,” Wooyoung gasped, demeanor changing all the way down to his damn posture as he lunged for the paper between them. “Real smooth dude,” Mingi muttered, slumping down to put his elbows on the table and cradle his head. Ignoring the way Wooyoung shot up a finger to stop him from talking, his face already scrunched up in deep concentration as he pushed his glasses up to pull back the hair stylishly falling into his eyes. 

 

Mingi felt more anxious than he had in a very long time, the whole ordeal testing him from the start. Saying that their last phone call, finally gaining the courage to tell him that he’d be leaving, was difficult would have been a gross understatement. Only made worse by Yunho practically clinging to him during their next visit, following him around like a hungry stray. They both knew it would be their last chunk of time together until Yunho would be escorting him to the airport and it showed. The older’s hand remained touching him in some way shape or form from the second of his arrival to the moment he left. The irony of the big mopey puppy eyes glued to him should have made him laugh, or at least made his stomach flutter. Instead it pushed him closer to tears. Even Wooyoung had been treating their every moment like it could be the last. Seriously, he was trying to figure out when he had become the most stable figure in all of this. He sure as hell didn't feel like it while lying in bed at night, alone and unsleeping. That formally retired deep seeded loneliness was a catalyst, he couldn't help but wonder if it was finally time. Whatever way it went, he would ultimately be able to start crawling out of their perpetual limbo. Maybe even pinpoint the source of his pain to collect all the loose tendrils of their unspoken possibilities and funnel them into one core rejection to start healing from. At least it might take less energy than all of this god damn never ending, agonizing hunger. Unfortunately he knew Wooyoung was right in saying ten years was embarrassingly too long for this to have gone on. 

 

He wasn't getting any younger and it was painfully, glaringly, palpably obvious he wasn't going to become any less in love with Jeong Yunho unless there was an outright wall blocking him off from hope. This letter could be the start, it could be what he needed to take at least the cowards way out. A concept that only grew more apparent as Wooyoung’s absent minded frown deepened, flipping onto the third page. Mingi was just about ready to run, shaking like a leaf in his seat as he finally set the stationary back down, silently looking at the pages without saying a word. Unfortunately, Mingi knew a speechless Wooyoung was always something to fear. 

 

He took a deep breath, still looking at the writing resting under his hand as if there was something more to decode, scripted out in a dead language, like it was inexplicable to the modern mind. Almost as if it wasn't Mingi’s same perpetual rant, one the other could practically recite word for word. Only just for the first time painstakingly written down in permanent ink. The following stillness between them practically drowned out all the ambient noise of the coffee shop, surrounding him in a ringing backdrop gnawing at the marrow of his bones. If it was taking him this long to think before speaking, Mingi truly feared what was eventually going to come out. 

 

“So,” Mingi reluctantly took a leap in prompting him. Wooyoung’s sharp eyes shot to his, a little frayed at the edges as he tilted his head. “Well, what do you think?” The prodding seemed to have pushed the life back into the younger's chest. 

 

“Mingi..” Wooyoung almost grimaced, the clear mixture of pity and reluctance on his face tightening his throat. “This is-” his voice cut off, face growing serious as he took a deep breath. “Mangi, I think you need to just tell him how you feel,” Mingi gritted his teeth. He hadn't necessarily been expecting anything different, a kinder delivery or gently candid opinion, but the simplicity still felt vulgar against his ears. “Why keep waiting?” Wooyoung almost groaned, shifting forward in his chair to neatly fold up the paper and place it in the middle of the table. They both looked at it incorrigibly, a frown line staining Wooyoung's forehead as the focus of his pupils ominously disengaged. “This is just going to delay things, again. I know he's smart but it's pretty clear he can barely read between the lines on a good day.”

 

“Well,” Mingi’s voice cracked reproachfully, making Wooyoung’s mouth wince a touch more expectantly. “I actually don't think I'll send this letter until maybe the second half of the trip,” Wooyoung's hands came up to toss his sunglasses to the table, fingers digging through the roots of his long black hair. Mingi kept speaking over his friend's prolonged groan, forcing the words out fast to put as much distance between them as he possibly could. “And I was going to use my apartment's return address so he would have to wait to send me a response,” his words got sort of lost at the end. A new aching shame lodged itself in his throat as he in real time watched his friend’s physical reaction to his convoluted and frankly avoidant plans. Was it truly that bad? Wooyoung rubbed at his eyes, the liner he had delayed their day fifteen minutes to put on leaving with his fists as they thudded dramatically to the table.

 

“Jesus Christ, Mingi,” his tone felt like a curse as the words slashed over his thin skin. As much as it hurt, he knew Wooyoung’s harshness was more than deserved. “Why are you so god damn fucking desperate to avoid talking to him about this?” Mingi felt his shoulders fall with each word, the beat of his heart feeling more like a stab wound with each contraction. “It's been almost like eleven years. Fuck, are you not exhausted?” His voice rose and fell, the ending question touching down much gentler as he watched Mingi’s chest shake with the rightfully placed grievance.

 

“Um,” Mingi prolonged his next inhale, knowing he barely had even that one shot of defending his position before Wooyoung officially lost his shit. “If I do it that way, I won't have to know exactly when he reads it so I’ll be less anxious about what he’s preparing to say, or how he might reject me,” Wooyoung’s face didn't change but by some stroke of luck he hadn't interrupted. “Then I’ve started it but he will get time to think without us having to actively avoid each other in person,” Wooyoung looked at him like he wanted to barf, which was not exactly what Mingi was going for. Granted it was better than being instantly chewed out. “I know it's time to talk to him, okay? I really do and I've decided I will,” there was a small dash of relief oozing from across the table, Mingi took Wooyoung's melodramatic look to the sky and silent mouthing of ‘thank you god!' as a positive sign if anything. “We both know I need it out of me before I explode but in the long run I'm going to be so busy these coming months and in an opposite time zone,” Wooyoung nodded along, another positive sign. “There won't be much time for us to talk anyways as it is. It will give him space and it will let me focus on work while also knowing the conversation has been started. I've put a lot of thought into it, it's a win-win for me I think,” he took a deep breath before biting down on his lip, the next admission wet leaving his tongue. “I'm still so scared of this Wooyoung, please see that. Please.”  

 

Mingi felt his chest almost heaving, his ears rung as the silence of the table probed at his brain. Wooyoung was clearly mulling it over, Mingi knew well enough he wasn't fully convinced just by the itsy bitsy glint of disdain he couldn't quite disguise around his mouth. But being able to finish with no sudden outburst was promising, showing he at least partially accepted his plea. 

 

“I don't agree with this,” he said with a flat sigh. “But I hate that I can see how your brain got there,” Mingi let out a breath he didn't realize he had trapped in his chest. “I hate that you’re still hiding, you deserve more than to be scurrying around like a rat for the rest of your life. Okay? I want you to be loved the same way you’re capable of. And loudly at that. You've carried this for too long Minnie,” he sighed, nodding his head along with the conversation’s old song and dance, slouching back against his chair. 

 

“You know why I’m struggling,” Mingi didn't have to do more than whisper to be heard, his friend already knowing all his worst fears. “I mean after all these years, I’m so stupid to still be in this headspace when he’s not even gay,” Mingi felt his vapid tear ducts stirring, but now wasn't the time or place for that. “I mean girlfriend after girlfriend I still thought I stood a chance even when he’s never looked at me like I could be more than a friend. If anything this is the beginning of the end, best case scenario he will still be my friend when I get back.”

 

“I wouldn't say that’s fully true anymore,” Wooyoung countered harshly, it was a new tone from their typical conversation. Different enough to pull Mingi up and out of the pit threatening to swallow him whole. “Yeah he's only dated girls but not successfully,” he snorted, smirking mouth open to add something before cutting himself off and sighing. “Besides, he damn sure acted like you were someone he wanted the night you met his friends,” Wooyoung raised his brows, tilting his chin to look Mingi down over the bridge of his nose. “Everything you told me about that night sounded lovesick and mutual,” Mingi’s brow furrowed instantly, scowling at his friend’s persistence. “Look Min, I’ll be honest. There have been many times where I have doubted all of this, but after that..” he clenched his jaw, letting the words trail off for a moment as he took a dramatic sip of coffee. “Sorry but I outright refuse to believe he does not have at least some sort of non platonic feelings for you,” Mingi would have protested if he wasn't frozen to the spot, his hands itching, clammy where they were placed on the table. This was the first time Wooyoung had ever been so unapologetically direct about his opinions on that night. Maybe reading that letter, seeing Mingi’s decisiveness even if it was only on paper was a springboard of his own. Throwing the preservation of Mingi’s feelings to the wind to finally speak his thoughts candidly. “Even if he doesn't know it or even thinks he could be gay. There is more to it for him now the same way there always has been for you.” 

 

Eerily dead space filled the wind tunnel around them. Wooyoung gave him the opportunity to sit with the harsh reality of his words, partially born from a sense of his own trepidation. If anything could save Mingi from spiraling it was that he knew from years of experience, Wooyoung would never lie to him. Especially not about this. If he wasn’t really thinking that way about the situation, he would have said it upfront. But it was hard to wrap his brain around the portrayal of Yunho’s actions that night. 

 

“No,” he shook his head, eyes internally barren as they focused weakly on the world around them. “I mean, is there even a way for me to accept that when it only happened because he was drunk?” Mingi could barely ask, the words feeling bitter as their apathy finally passed through his clenched teeth. That whole night had been a fever dream, something that haunted him in more ways than one. His subconscious mind would daydream about it, the way they felt pressed against each other miraculously initiated by the other, warm and firm cradled securely in his arms. Yet his sleeping mind was another story. It showed him every possible way that what happened between them was a mistake on his end. How it was unintentional and misplaced. Only due to extenuating circumstances, Mingi being on the receiving end was simply because he was the only outlet for those actions to be directed. There was clearly a reason Yunho had never brought it up, never once went so far as to acknowledge the way his hands and lips had touched him then and continued to touch him with increasing confidence since.

 

Unfortunately he still couldn't deny that Yunho had been acting differently with him, being more than he usually was. The wildest part came along with the realization his shift hadn’t begun as he brought out the drinks that night. No, it started weeks before. Mingi was pretty sure he could pinpoint it back to the moment he first clasped that necklace around his throat. The word ‘pretty’ uttered so sincerely, so subconsciously that even Mingi couldn't outright deny it was entirely implausible Yunho hadn't already been brewing those sorts of thoughts. Even if he was blissfully unaware that they might have been there. The first time Wooyoung saw the necklace he had to walk out of the room for a good ten minutes. When he inevitably came back, it was just to point directly at the charm and say ‘Song Mingi that is so fucking gay.’ It wasn't all that helpful.

 

Still, it was clear from that day forward a large portion of the behaviors Mingi always filed into the ‘bestie Yuyu’ category had grown to an unprecedented severity. He started calling during his daily lunch breaks, asking him to come for the night twice as frequently and always begging him to stay for longer periods of time. Once he even went so far as to tell him he could stay the week and work from his gaming setup. That way they could both be around come the evening time.  

 

Yunho had always remembered the finer details about him, but his pandering usually moved in silence. Small actions speaking for themselves as they landed in his lap unexpectedly. The short texts sent in the middle of the night to let Mingi know when he couldn't sleep, the news articles he’d email him about his more niche interest, clearly having gone searching for reports instead of working on his own. After the first few months of them meeting Yunho had started buying him small things to keep at the apartment. First it was a pink toothbrush, then a blanket because he always complained he was cold while sitting on the couch. One day he came over and Yunho had picked up the special moisturizer he had to use for his sensitive skin, placing it next to the matching headbands they had for washing their face. He had even designated an oversized t-shirt and sweat pants for him to borrow when they went to sleep even though Mingi always packed his own pair of pajamas. The younger had almost cried the day Yunho sent soup to his door unexpectedly, contacting Mingi’s favorite restaurant all the way from his office in the city just because the younger was feeling under the weather. The shit eating grin he was met with the second after hitting call could barely be matched by Mingi’s blubbering stuffy nose, barely contained tears and thank yous. 

 

But then that night happened. The long awaited opportunity to finally meet San and Seonghwa. They only got a few hours in before Yunho had practically picked a fight with him, which was truly shocking in itself. His mom always said there was a first for everything, but this was just bizarre. Comically enough on the surface it all seemed to be in the means of making sure he stayed comfortable with them. He was pretty sure he’d never indicated being anything but at home whenever in Yunho’s space, but that was beside the point. It was pretty clear to him that the reassurance was really what Yunho needed to feel secure. Somehow deducting that he must be uncomfortable just because those two were asking him questions he didn't already have the answers to. 

 

Worse than that, the only reason he didn't know was simply because he hadn’t ever bothered to ask. In return, clearly struggling to cope with not being the sole focus of Mingi’s attention for probably the first time ever. He liked Yunho’s friends so much, they were truly welcoming and it was downright stupid that for some reason Yunho wasn’t pleased to see it. Mingi found it interesting the way he could pick out which parts of Yunho came from each of them and vice versa. How he could easily outline the roles they fell into with each other, wondering if the three could even recognize it themselves. It was really easy to talk with them, especially being in a setting he was so deeply at home in. But Yunho had been so distracting. 

 

The way their conversation flowed was natural. He found that the opportunity to tell San and Seonghwa, two people he felt he knew deeply even if it had always been indirect, about himself and where life had dragged him genuinely pleasant. Yet Yunho’s demeanor came as a downright shock to him, maybe even to all of them. Mingi had never even once seen him so downright jealous. And of what? Him paying attention to the new people around them and talking a little about guys of his past? 

 

There was something to be said about Yunho freaking out over just that alone. Hearing for the first time that yes he was desirable and that yes other people wanted him from time to time. In the cab ride home Mingi had wondered pretty vindictively what might have happened if he'd started to tell them about the unattached hook up he had just the month before. How his face would have shifted to hear that occasionally Mingi did have casual sex. Always emotionless and strictly physical. Probably not going so far as to share that he usually only engaged with people built in a way that if he didn't look too close or let his mind wander, it was pretty easy to pretend their body was the one of someone else. What would Yunho have done then? Yelled? Stormed out? Glared harder than he already had been? It was almost laughable, frankly. Getting so upset with Mingi that he was close to snapping. Just because he continued to exist in the world whenever he wasn't in Yunho's direct line of sight.

 

Wooyoung had sat back and listened to his recounting of the night like it was a blockbuster.  Just as, if not more flabbergasted than Mingi was after years of hearing Yunho be nothing but calm and collected. He'd gasped when Mingi told him about the shocked accusations flying left and right at the reveal of his ‘sudden’ bond with Yeosang. Like it was any of his business who he spent his free time with when ninety percent of it already went straight into his pockets in the first place. As if no part of his life could be spent alongside another. All the while continuing to ignore what the connotation of that demand usually meant. Maybe for the first time he was being forced to reckon with the fact that Mingi had his own life outside of being hoarded up in the studio. That was probably another part of the active shift in Wooyoung’s perspective, preaching how Mingi needed to take more forceful action going forward. Not like that it hadn't always been his stance on the state of things ever since the night he'd had that dream. 

 

In hindsight, nothing about that get together felt normal. Not the way he stared at him longingly and interrupted conversations just to get his fix. The way Mingi caught him with the cutest little crease between his brows or how quickly it vanished once he realized the beacon of light sparking from Mingi’s smile was directed back at him. How he only seemed to relax once Mingi was sitting by his side instead of between his friends, his nervous energy mirroring something of Mingi’s normal threshold. It was unbalancing to see the switch, like a carpet being pulled out from below his feet.

 

It felt like Seonghwa knew something as well. Mingi liked him a lot, he was everything Yunho had said personified times a thousand. He was so beautiful on the inside but Mingi still couldn't help but think how not a single picture he’d ever seen had done him a lick of justice. Especially when he leaned down to whisper with him conspiratorially, his round animated eyes spilling giddy thrills as their foreheads practically touched to gossip like they had always been in each other's inner circle. Multiple times through the night Mingi swore the eldest’s watch felt heavy as it shifted between him and their host. How his hum was sent out restricted, clearly not showing what was written on his sleeve as he twisted the charm hanging from his neck between long manicured fingers. Seonghwa smirked, looking almost stupefied as he placed it back against Mingi’s skin with a gentle graze. Yunho and San had pulled their attention away before he got the chance to wonder what it had been all about.

 

It was almost overwhelming to feel so instantly loved by the two of them. Their soft touches and constant calls for attention would have typically been deeply over stimulating, but somehow it wasn't. Instead he just felt adored. Brutally, that same feeling didn't hold a candle to the buzz in his chest as he inevitably made his way back to Yunho’s welcoming side. It was like the two barely needed to glance at him in order to see what was already in his heart. Interestingly enough he didn’t feel judged or exposed by them, he was more so curious about the ferocity they watched Yunho with. Studying, analyzing his every action much closer than any of the times they rested on him instead. 

 

Of course everything in his world had to come to a halt. Mingi’s understanding of where he stood in this lifetime hit the gravel below his feet hard, bouncing back like an over inflated ball and hurtling through the sky as he paused by Yunho's front door. His brain struggled to keep control of his heart as the other's large frame pushed dangerously close, practically blanketing his senses in just the way he’d always lusted for. There was no way Yunho realized the kind of position he’d been put in, probably unaware that he’d stood leaving almost negative space between them. His brain clearly wasn't blasting out glaring sirens of warning the way they were to Mingi. Most evident was that Yunho definitely did not recognize his own strength or the physical control he held over the younger’s lovesick body. That when Yunho’s knee slipped ever so slightly between Mingi’s thighs, just a moment before laying pressure against his lower back, he had no ability to fight it off or even a chance to block the longing heat that licked up his spine. Mingi had never once been touched by him that way. As much as he wanted it, wanted Yunho, the time, place and lack of intention didn’t let Mingi enjoy it. The pain within every other beat of his heart made him want to scream bloody murder. It just wasn’t something he ever thought they were allowed to do. Even the few times he had woken up first to Yunho similarly draped around and through his limbs, he’d allowed himself five minutes to bask in it, then ignoring the flush on his cheeks would gently move them around before the other stirred in order to save face.

 

But this time they were awake, they were standing and they were glued together because of Yunho. Mingi just about cried when the ghost of his breath tickled along his skin. Weeping internally as Yunho's lips drew up the length of his neck simultaneous to the hand exploring the expanse of his bare back. Pulling them, despite all odds and probably also physics, somehow closer. Mingi didn't need an outside opinion to know Yunho had been en route to genuinely kissing him, to bridging that gap and ending Mingi’s lifelong curiosity of what his tongue might taste like. Unfortunately his conscience already knew it was wrong, that it wouldn't be fair to Yunho if he had let him get that far while he was drunk. Besides, there was a very high likelihood he didn't mean it the same way Mingi did. He ignored how much it devastated him to the core that Yunho’s heart might not have really been in it. Trying his best to wipe away the memory of being man handled or the lost look in Yunho's eyes while hovering behind him as Mingi finally forced himself to pull away. He didn't let himself bask in Yunho’s cheek following his lips as he stepped back from the small indulgent peck he gifted himself either. Mingi ignored the tears that wet his cheeks as he ran down the stairs the same way Yunho ignored seeing them start to form right in front of him.

 

He was appreciative of Wooyoung letting the question sit between them. As pushy as he could be he still was cognizant of the way Mingi processed his emotions, usually moving in silence. “Look. Mingi, I don't want to be that person,” he took a deep breath, placing his elbows on the table to reach over and grab Mingi’s cold fingers. “Even though he was clearly drunk, actions like that absolutely do not appear out of nowhere. Especially not towards your gay best friend of a decade when you've only ever dated women,” he squeezed them again before pulling Mingi’s hands forward to meet him in the middle, interlocking their fingers to rest on top of the letter. 

 

“But it's not just that,” he huffed at Mingi’s dismissal, his thumbnail digging a little rougher into the taller’s skin. “One, I refuse to be any straight man’s experiment. Ever. Even if- No. Especially if it is him. That would probably be so much worse for me," Mingi shivered at the idea, the concept alone brewing a pain in his gut that would consume him entirely if forced to sit with it. “But Woo, that whole time there was a fucking cross hanging over our heads. Like there is not a single way for me to explain the feeling that put in my gut,” Mingi let his thumb rub over Wooyoung’s knuckles, grounding himself as a sharp lump formed at the back of his throat. There was no way to describe it other than pure defeat and guilt. The closeness he’d been longing for ever since he could remember only given to him by Yunho’s thoughtless subconscious. He had walked into the cafe with absolutely zero intentions of crying but couldn't help how his voice proceeded to come out in a wet, sardonic whisper. “What a sick fucking joke,” he huffed trying to play it off as indifferent acceptance, of course barreling toward the territory of a choked down sob instead. “That I’d grow up so lonely in my adolescence just to fall in love with that same best frien- straight best friend who was the first one to change it.” 

 

“Babe,” Wooyoung cooed, soft and as inviting as cashmere, his comfort trying to extend out and reach him as he firmly ran his free hand up and down Mingi's forearm. “Nothing about this sounds very straight to me.”                                                                                                                                        

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

 

Notes:

<3

Chapter 13: Part 2: Inevitable

Notes:

4.7k

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

✮ I Think I Left The Stove On - Hotel Ugly ✮

When I lay me down to sleep

I pray that it's my love you'll keep

Don't know what you got until it's gone

Just tell me if you love me baby

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

2024.09.23

Hi Yu,

 

I miss you. Like almost a disgusting amount. It's been indescribably weird to be away from home for so long, traveling like this isn’t something I'd ever pictured for myself so I never really had the time to envision just how things might actually play out. As you know it was kind of a rushed turn around from when I found out about the album to when I took off. I got used to the time zone quick enough and the accommodations are very nice, everything else just feels weird. The food and weather make no sense here, the sun is so dry even when it's sweltering hot and all the Korean food looks right but tastes completely different. That last part might just be me being dramatic though, because everyone else says it's just as good. But still. 

 

It's not all bad though I promise! I'm realizing that was a pretty lame way to start this sorry lol. Mostly everything is actually going really well. The album staff and I have been working together smoothly, the artist is pretty chill and I've had way more free time than I expected to for the last few months. I'm just homesick. Yunho-sick, more like.

 

I know there are probably lots of things you want to know, especially since we haven't had as much time to talk on the phone as I thought we would. There is definitely plenty to say trust me, but that's not really why I'm writing. There is a lot I need to get off my chest and it's well past the time I start talking. I've been keeping a lot of shit in for way too long and I just can't bear it anymore, it's too heavy and Wooyoung is just about done dealing with me. I’m just terrified to start. Honestly, in the end of it all I only hope you can try to understand. 

 

Do you have any secrets you’ve never shared? I’m sure you do, I mean we’re all human, no one can truly be 100% an open book 100% of the time. I think about it sometimes, all the small things we have probably kept from each other over the years, whether it was intentional or just not important enough to mention at the time. Part of me thinks I could guess a few things you've never told me, just the insignificant stuff that I feel mostly go without saying. I’ve spent so much time in my life focusing on what I was missing but being away forced me to stop and wonder about what I was willfully overlooking in the bigger picture.

 

After a few long conversations with both my mom and Wooyoung, they helped me shift my perspective into realizing that over the years I’ve kept a lot of secrets from you and I don't exactly know when I started. Well actually, I think I do know and to my undeveloped brain at the time it truly was only something dinky. But I guess that's usually how it happens, isn't it? 

 

It was all innocuous at first, mostly because I was confused. It only grew larger when I started turning it into a shield, trying to avoid my self consciousness at all cost. But now I'm realizing it never actually shielded me, it has always hurt one way or another even if I’ve tried to ignore it. Which, Wooyoung has always told me ever since the day I decided to keep the issue to myself. Or at least to keep it from you. 

 

Ugh, this is all sounding so disastrous already, It's not like I killed anyone lol. And honestly at this point in our relationship, I don't think anything could ever make you actually hate me *yay* but I know for a fact it will change the way you look at me and I am positive that's the reason I've let it get so out of hand. And I know, I'm a coward for waiting until I'm out of the country to send you this letter when I see you multiple times a month and say nothing. I'm being a coward by not just saying it outright too. I just don't want to keep feeling this way and that has finally grown stronger than my fear of disappointing you.. 

 

So I’m going to try and explain it without saying it outright, once again selfishly because I know you and how that beautiful brain works and that moving this way might just be giving myself extra time for you not to have fully figured it out by the time I'm back. Sorry.

 

Have you ever had an epiphany? Some sort of moment of clarity that really made you go like ‘what the hell..’ For me, the first was when I realized I was gay. But you know about that, everyone I meet knows about that. It’s never been a secret so in this context I can't really count it. After that, the first one I had, the major one that really sent me into a panic, was back in college. Before we had met and I was still living with Woo. It was actually just a few months after we got to school. I had this dream showing me something that I'm pretty sure I'd already known deep down for a while but had buried so, so deep I needed my subconscious to dig it up before I could allow myself to tease the idea consciously. You can even ask Woo, I literally woke him up at four in the morning with a pillow to the face panicking. I was so shocked by it. Once I finally told him about the dream and what I thought it might have meant he just told me “of course you do." I was at SUCH a loss of how to proceed and he just sat there looking at me like it was obvious, how could he have known when I couldn't. But it was at a time where we were writing less and were so busy with school that I just let myself think ‘oh well, the distance will make it cushion my own blow’. 

 

But then it seeped into my everyday life. I couldn't go a day without it coming up internally, by seeing something that reminded me of it or having another dream. Sometimes even watching it being personified in other people's mannerisms. I think that's when the little lies started to build up around me like a wall, when my friends started asking why I never dated, or why I always got weird when they wanted to play stupid drinking games that inevitably ended up getting physical. It's why I wasn't a huge fan of kissing the strangers we met while out drinking even when they showed a clear interest in me. It got so bad that they eventually cornered me to ask point blank if I was hiding something, someone. But I wasn't, not really. They all knew about you and our letters, that I had a friend I'd never met and that Wooyoung and I were attached at the hip. That was it right? 

 

The worst was when my production prof started asking outright if I was okay, I was so flabbergasted that I literally laughed in his face. He said 'look Mingi I listen to every melody you make and read every lyric you write, if you think you're not eating yourself up on the inside about this then you’re a lot dumber than I think you are.’ That's when the lies started happening more blatantly, to an almost laughable degree really and mostly to myself. Because I wasn't dumb, my professors saw it, so did my mom I think. Wooyoung was constantly fed up with me and I started feeling like I had nowhere else to go unless I self-destructed. 

 

It was only inevitable that I started to spiral. I think you probably remember the letters I was sending you during the last semester of our junior year. Things were honestly far worse than I ever showed you, which was just another lie I told. I actually almost failed my classes. I could barely get out of bed on a good day and the assignments just sort of piled up until I missed so many lessons in a row the school had to get involved. I’m sorry I didn't tell you that, I was just so scared to be a burden that it felt impossible to start. It didn't help that at that time my worst fear was scaring you away. That if I started talking I wouldn't stop, then all the things I really wanted to keep in would have escaped. So I just let myself suffer. Luckily a lot of really kind people got me back on track and I can think on that time without beating myself up. But it was terrifying.

 

And I'm sorry, I really am, but recently I lied straight to you and your friends' faces.. I did say yes when Yeosang asked me out. But Yunho, he was just so nice to me and we really do get along well. Well enough that I felt like I HAD to ignore myself enough to at least for once give it a try, to give myself a second option. We got about forty minutes into our date before he called me out on being uncharacteristically stiff, like stiff in a way I never was while at work or when I thought his attention was mutually platonic. He could just tell that I felt like what we were doing was somehow wrong. Do you know how horrible that felt? How genuinely embarrassed I was. Like I was disappointing him while also disappointing myself and Wooyoung and my mom and the prospect of you. Of anything we could have had in the future. That I let him down by saying yes and not meaning it. That I’m still so tied up about these secrets after all these years that it’s seeping into my life in a way that doesn’t even let me have a chance to try life with anyone else. It's not your fault obviously, it's just me that's the problem in this.

 

What's scariest of all is that I am obviously getting so much worse at hiding it. Yeosang is still a friend to me, he completely understood and just wished I could have told him upfront. But how was I ever supposed to do that when I can't even tell you? I'm lucky though, he was a great listening ear. I think it's good for me to have an outside perspective that isn't Wooyoung, he still asks me for progress updates. I hate having to tell him there are none, but it's true. I only have myself to blame for that. I think you would like him a lot honestly. He's always been really gentle with me, sweet just like you, maybe that’s why I thought it could work. But he’s never going to be what I need. 

 

Yunho do you believe in fate? I think for a large portion of my life I didn't, but then I met you. You were just instantly so kind to me, giving me something I had never experienced before on a silver platter, feeding it to me by hand. No fucking wonder I’m so spoiled. You make me feel so special, so irreplaceably loved that all this only makes sense really. It's almost funny in a sick sort of way, to think it could have turned out any differently than this. I could have picked anyone out of that hat, maybe even San. But no, it was you. You wanted a pen pal with the same ferocity that I wanted a place to find emotional stability, I still don't think you fully realize what you've given me.

 

The concept of fate was something that really confused me when I first came out. Knowing I was gay was just this snap of a finger moment, it wasn't there one second then boom it was screaming in my face the next. I’ll be honest it was quite the shock at first, to read one little sentence of that letter and have the glass of what I thought my world looked like shatter around my feet. It was strange at the time, that you, or rather your life experiences would be the center of that realization. The same time you fell into the pattern of dating girls I was forced to realize the opposite was true for myself. I was a kid though, I couldn't quite place the other emotions hovering in my gut because that main one was so glaring I almost couldn't see a foot in front of me. It was terrifying. I'm pretty sure that's truly where it all started for me. But that was before I started lying, because it was way before I even knew myself well enough to think I should hide. 

 

Wooyoung tried his best to be there for me, it was nice to have someone who intrinsically understood what I was going through by my side even if his way of comforting wasn’t always what I needed. But it was so tricky, trying to express my feelings, my guilt and fear to him while not understanding the reason it was in my chest in the first place. Besides, how could I ever tell you those things when I could barely even speak a word of it to Woo, to an actual gay person. It's almost funny now to look back on that time in my life. I really do try to hold the younger version of myself with kindness but it’s hard when I just want to smack him upside the head and make him get it. But shit, I’m sure as hell my future self would say the same about me right now. Yet I still just can't seem to do it. 

 

Did you know that for a long time, longer than I'm willing to admit, I’d get downright jealous of anyone who got to be in your life instead of me. Besides Sannie of course. Even Seonghwa wasn't safe for a while, but over time I learned how much you relied on him and simply just became grateful of his presence. Every time you got a girlfriend it really took me by surprise, because to me it was just like, why? I had everything I needed so why didn’t you? But the longer I thought about it the more I realized that was where you and I differed the most. Detachment. Our relationships to solitude have always been and probably will remain to be so innately different that there is no possible way for us to approach it with the same steps. Especially back when we were at that age. Your ability to be alone and remain fulfilled has always functioned on a completely different scale than mine, our thresholds are just not comparable. Which in all honesty I’m glad for. You have always been so loved by the people surrounding you that it is just inherently easy for you to be loved by new people as well. You don't need to convince yourself into giving them the benefit of the doubt, they just already have it. And there is no wonder why girls love you, I mean of course they do. You’re almost the perfect partner, I've had the opportunity to learn that by proxy for years. 

 

But it was always strange to me how you would cycle through them, each letter there would be a new girl in and out. I always wondered why they couldn’t keep your attention, wasted a lot of time thinking about it, actually. I would stay up at night wondering what was so wrong with them that you clearly couldn't grow attached, what they didn’t have that you were looking for. It's not like you are a player or use people for your own fun, you just always seem so impartial to the beginning, middle and the end of your time together. I hate myself for how often I still think about what I have that they obviously don't, what kept you writing to me all these years when they couldn't even get a few months out of you. But in the end I always come up with the same thought, it's because what we’ve built is intrinsically different. What we have always had is just plain old friendship. Good friendship, strong, sturdy and what some might say over the top. But still just that, friendship. Maybe all these girls have just been missing that simple piece, maybe if they were your friend first they could be the one you stuck with. Then maybe that way you could find a partner you are happy to keep.

 

With all honesty and no more lies to give, I’d be mad at myself if I didn't tell you directly that the way you reacted when I said I'd been asked out before really shocked me. I didn’t want to tell you it hurt my feelings but I promised myself I had to stop sugar coating how you make me feel, good and bad. Do you seriously see me as that undateable? That even just two people in this world have been insane enough to ask me out? Like Jesus, how was I supposed to take the look of disgust on your face? Fuck. There was no way I could spin that into being positive, trust me I tried. Even I don't possess that level of delusion about you, which is really really saying something. 

 

Then I had the thought that maybe it was just because you haven't been conditioned to see me as a dateable man the way I have been conditioned to see you. I haven't told you about every guy I’ve kissed because I was lying to myself saying you wouldn't want to know. Maybe you did want to know, maybe it would have changed the way you look at me now, might have even taken a few more secrets off of my plate. But I just couldn't get myself to tell you when those guys rarely meant anything to me in the first place. Only you mean that to me. The same way I'm assuming the girlfriends you told me about must have meant something to you. Why else would you proudly share their names?

 

It's crazy because I always wanted to be your number one. In like, everything. And in a lot of ways I was. I know my letters always came first to your school work and now my calls and texts do even when you’re on deadline and see each other regularly. That you used to cancel plans in order to write to me back and that people still get annoyed by you talking about me all the time. I’m more than aware that I've always been the first person you talk to about your anxiety, about the success you had in school as well as your failures. When the articles you put your life into go to print without the recognition you deserve and how it pisses you off that the puff pieces they force you to write often get more traction. You come to me first when San pisses you off and feel guilty being upset with him. I’m who you tell when you’re struggling with your sleep and eating, when you won’t label it as anything other than a ‘rough patch.’ I’m first to hear about the new games you are playing, the books you hated reading and the ones that made you cry in secret. You let me be the first to hear the stories that you’d never tell your mom, the things you get up to that you really probably shouldn’t. I’m your first in so many ways but you never seem to see where you're the first for me. It's almost insane that you can't see the thing I've always wanted to be first the most when it's always been right there. I've always been right there. Besides, you've already given me everything else. 

 

It would be a lie to say nothing on your end has changed though, especially recently. I've seen you go through a lot of phases but I have to say this new streak of jealousy I'm watching you move through has been interesting to witness. It wasn't something I even knew you could express. Or even experience for that matter. And because of your friends no less. While I was meeting them, the weight your eyes held while watching me was so heavy I thought I might actually drown in them. I couldn't help but wonder if maybe you were starting to realize you have some of the same thoughts as I do. That it just took you so much longer to realize because it had always been just us while we were together. That it pushed you to act out of character like that.

 

I can’t in good conscience ignore the fact we had been acting vastly foreign with each other. Starting before I left the airport or knew about this album. Crazily enough even before you were seconds away from drunkenly kissing me in front of your door. And so help me god Jeong Yunho, if you're lying to yourself about doing that I will actually fucking lose it. I don’t know what I’d do with myself if you  pretended it never happened. It was just all so out of left field. I honestly think it's all almost subconscious for you at this point, the way you pull me closer even in spaces where it's unnecessary, always making sure to be near enough to touch me absentmindedly. How you allowed your lips to brush over my skin like you didn't even mean it and continue to touch me in ways and places I can't tell if you still see as harmless. In all honesty I don't even think that point of view is possible anymore. 

 

I t's not just at home either which blows my mind. I'll never forget the first time you took my hand in public and didn't let go. Or when you wrapped your arm tightly around my waist to stop us from separating on a busy street and then slipped your fingers into my fucking beltloop once the path opened back up. I'm always in your sight, adjusting my hair or clothes like you don't notice you would have had to been staring in order to see they were even marginally out of place. Not only do you know all my preferences but you know what to order for me at like fifteen different restaurants and don't even seem to realize how it shocks me every time. Do you not recognize your own tendencies? That you make sure I'm taken care of, that you’re always trying to provide for me in ways I simply do not need. Do you not get I’m the one who let you do it anyway? That I don't deny you because I know it makes you feel good? That everything I do is to make sure you're happy as well? It's hard to imagine you’re that inattentive when all you do is dote on me.

 

I mean really Yunho, the way you watch me whenever you think I’m not paying attention or stare at me a beat too long after I’ve looked away fills my chest so overwhelmingly. And don't think I didn't notice the active shift in your behavior, it wasn't always like that. Both of us were so jittery at the beginning of being in each other’s space but it still all fell in line so instantly, so naturally. It only took a few hours before I could easily reach out to you and I was so ecstatic when you started to do the same. Then all of a sudden you were always the one looking for me first and I could barely keep up. But it didn't feel like this even as recently as the beginning of the year and you’d be ignorant to disagree. 

 

All it does is make me hope, Yunho. But that hope is so unbelievably dangerous to my heart. Your actions have become so bold Yun and I desperately need you to understand the way it’s playing with my mind. I can admit I’ve let things slide miles past the line of normal platonic behavior. I know it was greedy and shameless and because of that, for my own sanity, it's not something I can allow to keep happening unless you really mean it. The biggest secret has always been that I just want you to mean it, Yunho. I've been desperate for that and that alone as long as I can remember. 

 

This work trip is going to give me what I think will be good in the long run. I will exclusively get to throw myself into what I'm passionate about for a bit. I'm really excited to be working with this artist and to finally be the main producer on a project. It’ll be a major change of pace, place, people, etc. but it’s also bringing us back to our roots. And what are our roots other than giving me a large chunk of time to stew on my feelings before I have the courage to share them with you lol. 

 

I wrote most of this letter before I left and I think it all still fits what I need to say. I promised myself and Wooyoung that I would send it, meaning if you're reading this I have bucked up the courage to stop hiding shit from you, which again, I am so sorry for. I know there are probably a thousand questions in your head right now and again, I can't apologize enough for dropping everything on you like this and worst of all in a letter where you won’t get to see me for the next few weeks. Like I said, I’m actually entering crunch time with the team now and I'll barely have a second away to be on my phone. I’ll admit I also did that on purpose, which again is selfish. I promise when I get back you can ask me every single question stirring in that pretty mind of yours. You also get one free smack across the back of my head for how dumb I am, so look forward to that. I'll give it to you happily. I'd give you anything, Yunho. I just wish we could be more.

 

Thank you for a decade of companionship, you truly are like no one I have ever met and I need you to understand the way you positively impact every life you touch, especially mine. I can't wait to get home so I can give you a big hug and tell you all about my trip. I miss sitting next to you. 

 

Also I'm bringing you back a whole suitcase of snacks. 

 

Love, 

Your Mingi

 

(By the way, this is my most recent song, they released it last month. 'I Think I Left The Stove On' give it a listen when you can, it’s pretty honest.)

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

✮ I Think I Left The Stove On - Hotel Ugly ✮

 

I don't think you know

You're the one and only

Words like sticks and stones

I guess it's just the way things go

I've been a danger to myself

I've tried to blame somebody else

I once remember someone said

Whatever happens to you

Don't trip, it's all just in your head

I tried to tell you the truth

But I don't think you understand

I want to walk in your shoes

So I can see what's in your head

Whatever happens to you

Whatever happens to you

Everything will fall right into place

All we do is wait for better days

When I lay me down to sleep

I pray that it's my love you'll keep

Don't know what you got until it's gone

Just tell me if you love me baby

'Cause I can feel the distance baby

And when you do it drives me crazy

I just wanna tell you, baby

I just wanna tell you

Whatever happens to you

Don't trip, it's all just in your head

I tried to tell you the truth

But I don't think you understand

I want to walk in your shoes

So I can see what's in your head

Whatever happens to you

Whatever happens to you

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

Notes:

<3

Chapter 14: Part 2: Light

Notes:

30k (lol)

 

✮ Undecided Relationship - Kim Oki ✮

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Yunho’s fingers were trembling as he picked up his phone. The first instinct he had was to call Mingi, because of course it was. But it was the middle of the night for him and he was arguably the last person Yunho wanted to subject the bile of his unprocessed feelings to. Not to mention how sinfully unfair it would be.

 

Besides, it was just the week before that Mingi told him very sternly he was about to fully let work take the reins, that he wouldn't be able to talk much over the phone until the album was truly finished. Admitting that it might be a month at least until he was even available to regularly answer his text messages. It wasn't Yunho’s first rodeo with Mingi being all hands on deck with his work, but normally he was the person Mingi went to when he needed support. Did he have someone new, or did he really just not want to talk until he was back home that badly? Yunho was struggling to read between the lines as Mingi’s normal stationary stared menacingly back at him. 

 

When he quite plainly told him, ‘oh by the way I’m sending you something’ this small pink envelope was not really the delivery Yunho had expected. 

 

Seonghwa wasn't the person to go to. As much as he cared and would be there for him, Yunho knew he wouldn't give quite the piece of mind he needed to satiate the gnawing of this restlessness. San was already particularly fed up with him, clearly still annoyed it had taken him this long and very willing to be vocal about it. Silently taking it personally that Seonghwa was the first he told. Not like that was even how it happened, he was barely even in on it himself until the very end. 

 

He sent pictures of the letter to their group chat before promptly silencing all incoming messages. A deeper part of him knew they needed to be kept in the loop and that was what probably got him to press send. His conscience was stuck between wanting their support and fearing what they inevitably had to say. They both wanted the best for him, always had and always would. But there was just something about it, whether it was the depth of their involvement or just the embarrassment of his prolonged negligence that made the two of them so daunting to face. 

 

So he did the only thing he thought he could. Taking a deep breath before calling his mother. 

 

The phone barely rang twice before the other line opened. “Yunho, honey how lucky am I to get a surprise call,” her smile was hearty, penetrating the sound of her voice as it soothed through the speaker of his phone. When all he could get out was a shaky breath she paused just a second longer. “Lovebug, what’s wrong?” He should have expected the way his words practically erupted from his body, having been coiled to spring for so long he was surprised they’d stayed back so securely. But that release of pressure still felt too sudden to cope with, barely getting a breath in as he finally let it out. 

 

“I think I'm in love with Mingi,” he all but gasped, words continuing to fall quickly one after another. “No, I know I'm in love with Mingi and I think I have been for a really really long time. But that's what’s so scary about it!” He scoffed, gritting his teeth. “How do you not realize you're in love with someone. Like seriously how do I get to say I’m in love with you if I had to have someone else practically spell it out for me," there was no way to stop his momentum, not even considering giving his mom a second to respond between each new thought that shot past his lips. “We all know I've only ever dated girls, so it was really shocking when Seonghwa confronted me about it. But the more I think the more I realize I’ve never felt this way about anyone else in my entire life. Doesn’t he deserve more than a person who is too stupid to see that the way they treat them is more than a friend ever would?” He coughed out a sardonic laugh, the internal punishment he had been brewing seeping into his words without authorization.

 

“And I've been treating him that way for so many years mom. It's not fair, like he's never even had a boyfriend before! What if I’m the one to blame for him never getting to fall in love with someone? I mean I guess I’ve never fallen in love before either but I can't even blame him for it because I didn't know I was in love and now that I do know I feel like such a jerk. Ever since we started seeing each other in person I’ve just felt so entitled to him. Then of course, the first time I didn't get his full attention I acted like a toddler throwing a fit. When he met Seonghwa and San they were so obsessed with him that all I could feel was pride. But as the night went on I couldn't stop myself from getting jealous he was giving them the same love I normally get. It was so stupid because I’ve literally never once felt like that before about anyone,” his next breath came in a stutter, trying to grasp for a laugh but barely landing on a malicious snort.

 

“No one has ever made me feel so at home within myself, had me counting the seconds until I could see them again. I mean just the thought of him can distract me enough to zone out at work, all it takes is wondering what he might be up to. I've never missed the way someone smells before or felt sad when they weren’t next to me as I woke up alone," maybe it was too much to say towards his mom, he just needed to be able to breath again. Getting it out seemed like it may be the only way how. "No one has ever had that kind of power over me, to make it feel like I'm incomplete without them here. Mom, I'm so scared of this,” Yunho whispered, his eyes squeezing shut as he let the fear and open ended dread swamp him down. “I've never wanted someone to only look at me and to only think about me and to only want to be with me, especially when we already spend literally as much time together as we physically can. Like what is wrong with me, why did sharing him with my two closest friends in the entire world for one single night make me feel so possessive that I could barely stand to watch him leave without hanging on for dear life. And ever since then, every time I look at him it's in a different way,” Yunho's voice was growing hoarse without a break. The overarching lack of control was becoming so much clearer in the way his lungs struggled to expand. Hands shaking as they opened and closed in fists on his lap, grasping at the air like it might give him something to hold. 

 

“I can barely even describe the shift. Honestly I don't even know if there was one that happened, it has just always been like that. I can't stop myself from overthinking every little thing, like how can something feel so familiar but so foreign at the same time? I mean it's just Mingi right? My Mingi, the same person he has been since we were fourteen. He is who he’ll always be, but the thought of him also being someone else's Mingi someday turns my stomach. And now he's gone and still won't be back for so long and has been meeting all of these new people… What if they are better to him than I am? What if he stops thinking of me so much? How will I survive if he likes America so much that he never comes back?” His voice got tighter passing each new rung of his spiral. Gasping even though each word felt right to admit. They still didn’t solve much, if anything it just added another voice in the growing list of people who probably pitied him for taking so long to realize. “Mom, what if he never comes back to me?” He finally cracked, shoulders shaking silently as the tears he’d some how been able to keep back fell to the floor.

 

“Oh,” she said, surprised but not unkind. They sat in his words once they finally broke off, his mother clearly not having expected any of this to come her way. “Give me a second, I need to process all of that,” he nodded even though she couldn't see him, flopping onto his side to tuck Mingi’s throw blanket around his head. Somehow it still carried his cologne. He realized there was more still festering inside of him as the material stuck to his wet cheeks. 

 

“Mom,” he sniffled, his voice fragmented, tainted so deeply with despair that it weighed him down like lead. “He sent me this letter. I- and I was so dumb not to see it, the way he's been hurting all this time because of me. But I think I get it now, I never got it before but now I do. For him, it's always been me mom. He's always loved me and I’ve made him so scared to say it that he can't even fully write the words down verbatim. You already know how much I hate that I can’t fully read his face, but with something this consuming.. how could I not have known? It had to be in stupid written words for my caveman brain to even start piecing together that he loved me too. It hurts so much, he seemed so sure I’d reject him that he had to be in a whole nother country before he could send it. I mean, even the return address is his apartment here, like he didn't want to give me the option to write back,” the urgency of his tone wilted the same pace his willful compliance grew. “The last time we talked on the phone he told me he was entering the final stages, that he would barely have time to talk until the album was finished. Was that excuse all a lie? Does he truly not want to hear what I have to say until he’s back? Shit. I mean, I can picture the exact way he’s preparing for the worst. And all by himself too, I mean he must feel so alone.”

 

Yunho was heaving by the time he’d worn himself out, eyelids scrunched so tightly he could almost feel the surrounding blood vessels pop. The faint sound of his mom shushing him made another sob bubble up from the surface of his lungs. It was the same tone she always used to comfort him when he was a child. Even as adolescent as it made him feel, it did melt away enough of the tension in his chest for him to take more than just a jagged breath. Maybe that was exactly why she was the one he chose to call.

 

“You know,” she started, probably sensing the way his peak had mellowed. “I always thought there was more to the two of you than just the friendship you held for each other. I never wanted to say anything because I worried you'd think it was coming from a judgmental place,” Yunho scoffed, the light sarcasm suddenly welcomed in comparison to the bleak beige nothingness that had blanketed his emotions. “But I'm not like your grandparents,” Yunho nodded silently, the reassurance unneeded but so deeply appreciated. “I'm glad you are telling me,” she chewed around something funny, voice just a bit teasing. “Not necessarily the way I thought you would be sharing this, but I'm glad to hear it nonetheless,” there was a touch of relief in it, the normalcy he needed to feel capable enough to rest. He felt the way his backed up sinuses rocked his brain around as he sat himself up and reached for the long since ignored coffee sitting next to the open letter on his table. Taking a deep sip he let the bitterness splash against the lump in his throat, chipping the top layer away. 

 

“You really thought that all this time?” He pouted, a little frustrated as she hummed almost immediately. “So apparently everyone knew except me,” he slumped back against the couch, mindlessly bringing the blanket around his shoulders. for the most part his tears had finally ran out. A fresh batch still sat hovering by the surface but they waited to fall, giving the rawness of his cheeks that much needed reprieve. 

 

“Even your father asked me about it once,” she outright laughed, no longer with him but surely at his expense as he scoffed back through the line. “But tell me more about it Yunho, it sounds like our Seongie has been there for you, which I'm grateful for. But maybe you need another set of ears?” When Yunho didn't speak up immediately she knew, from years of experience, trial and error, that he needed prompting. “I know you saw him off at the airport, how did that go?”

 

Yunho scoffed, taking another sip of his coffee to fight off the instant contraction of his throat. Mingi’s drop off had been a lot of things but none of them were anything he’d particularly like to relive. He had felt weak clutching Mingi’s carry on under a shoulder as his feet dragged below his soggy body. Mindlessly watching from afar as Mingi printed his boarding pass and checked his bigger bags, biting his lip as he tried not to think about what this all meant. About the time he was about to be away. Yunho had grown so pampered in secret, much more than he thought was possible, maybe in hindsight even worse than he’d ever gotten the chance to spoil Mingi.

 

The younger barely glanced away from the floor as he walked back, quickly but not fast enough for Yunho’s taste. His long legs immediately shrunk the distance as he moved to meet Mingi in the middle of the lobby. Yunho’s hand stretched out like a magnet, finding and wrapping itself around Mingi’s to wordlessly tug him against his chest. The younger let out a stilted breath, laced somewhere between humor and beaten acceptance. Like he knew exactly how Yunho felt and couldn't find himself to disagree. 

 

“You’re going to be fine,” he murmured into Mingi’s scalp, shamelessly letting the warmth of his skin fill the cavity where his brain should’ve been. He didn't know who the words were for but as Mingi folded further into his neck, the way his lips contorted ever so slightly against his skin gave away that they both knew who he was really talking to. When Mingi pulled back the melancholy dancing in his eyes didn't escape him, but there was little to no chance it wasn't just a simple reflection of his own grief. 

 

“You’re acting like I'm about to die,” he snorted, finally grinning as his palm found the side of Yunho’s cheek. “I'll be back before you know it, I promise,” Yunho looked at him, the strength of his seriousness felt suffocating but he couldn't hold back. Mingi’s breath caught as Yunho leaned forward, slowly moving to rest his forehead against the younger’s. His eyes almost instantly falling shut as Yunho felt a hiccuped puff of air hit his face. 

 

Mingi didn't pull away even as the hand placed over Yunho's cheek stiffened, the younger shocked as Yunho's nose brush gently against his own. It was only a second in time, but Yunho knew from that point forward he couldn't go back. There was so much he wanted from him, so much he was desperate to take. “Please stay here,” it was pitiful to beg, he knew it was, but his hubris just couldn’t be corralled. There was no part of him strong enough to keep away from the embarrassment of failure. It didn't matter that they were in the middle of a busy airport, that there were people trying to move around them from every angle or that he still didn’t understand the thoughts in his own head. With Mingi there and pressed up against him, he knew it was quite likely he would die the second he stepped away. 

 

“Yunho,” Mingi whispered, the gutting dejected pity dripping from his lips was exactly what he had expected to hear. Unfortunately it still hurt like he hadn't had the time to prepare. But Mingi didn't pull away, his thumb brushing under Yunho’s lash to wipe at a tear he didn’t realize had surfaced. 

 

“I- I don't want to lose you Min,” his voice was fractured enough for Mingi to move back. His brows scrunched in disapproval, looking over his crumpled face. He wiped under Yunho’s eyes again but this time it felt almost reprimanding. 

 

“You won't and you know I will be back,” he practically scolded, scanning over every part of his face like he needed to re-memorize every one of Yunho’s contours and lines. “You know that,” he softened, finally meeting his rounded eyes. Yunho was surprised by Mingi’s outward composure. He knew well enough that was not what he felt on the inside, especially given the way his body continued to shake unchecked against his chest. 

 

“But half a year is a long time,” he argued almost instantly. Stupidly, like he hadn't been the one to disprove all these same thoughts just a few weeks ago over the phone. How dumb to be the one needing his own words forced back down his throat. Mingi shook his head, his minuscule smile not holding enough ease for either one of them. His hand slipped from his face, forearms leaning against his chest while absentmindedly adjusting the collar of Yunho’s shirt, his gaze following down in defeat. 

 

“Yeah,” he agreed, and oh did it sting, the lack of reassurance a blooming thousand tiny cuts across his heart. “Maybe..” his face twisted, clearing his throat still without meeting Yunho’s pained stare. “Well it will give us both some time to think,” Mingi didn't need to explain what he meant and Yunho barely had the capacity to think beyond it. They both knew something had shifted in the last few weeks, the time spent together was different now, deeper yet more existentially guarded. And of course it would be Mingi, strong, brave, beautiful Mingi, to be the one addressing it. Even if it was only a shadow of what needed to be said. 

 

“Mingi..” His voice trailed, the plea behind his lips not strong enough to be anything more than gutless. Sordid, the rest of his wants and needs dying over his dried out tongue. 

 

“I have to go,” Mingi didn't let it get any farther, purchasing a deep breath as he shut it all down and turned his face to look away. Still, he stepped close again, wrapping his arms around Yunho’s stiff waist to hold onto him. “I'll let you know when I land,” even with the words spoken into his shoulder his voice already sounded miles away. 

 

His brain screamed at him to do something as Mingi slid his bag off of Yunho’s shoulder and onto his own. To find some way to make him stay, to glue him down and force him to always be right where Yunho could see. But he froze, barely catching his hand as it slid from his bicep. Mingi’s resolve stuttered, staring widely as Yunho brought it to his lips to place a feather light kiss over his knuckle, finally letting him go. “Travel safe Princess,” he smiled, channeling all his strength into the ability to relent, to let history take its course and sweep his love away. As much as he believed his spirit to have already been broken, he felt a final defining snap as a single tear spill from Mingi’s red eyes.

 

His own tears followed him on the train ride home, not realizing they had come until he felt moisture soaking through the material of the face mask pressed against his cheeks. They didn’t stop once he got back to his dark apartment or as Seonghwa force fed him a home cooked meal. They slowed only for a moment as he got a text saying Mingi had landed, that the flight was long but he was able to sleep through a majority of it. But scanning over the attached picture had them racing back with a vengeance, Mingi’s whole face puffy in a way Yunho knew better than most had nothing to do with lack of sleep. 

 

“I was selfish,” he practically whispered. She still heard, knowing the exact face she was making as she hummed for him to continue. “I didn't want him to go and I was too weak to keep it to myself,” he choked out a humorless laugh. “I mean I begged him not to. I just don't know when I started feeling like this,” his mom hummed again, slow and contemplative. “It probably made it ten times harder for him as well.”

 

“Yunho,” she sighed, not with disdain or frustration, just empathy. Understanding the way his mind tended to turn when unchecked. “Does it really matter when if you're still feeling it now?” She asked the sturdiness within her conviction rattling around his chest. Yunho laughed, a stale sort of humor that pointed directly at his own sorry self. Because of course it didn't matter. “I think what’s most important is finding a way you can express yourself to him. Then once you get that out of the way you can torture yourself about the past as long as you want,” she joked, trying to tease a little lightness back into his heavy limbs. 

 

“But what if his feelings have changed since I figured myself out?” A rushing metallic tang flooded his mouth as gnawing teeth finally broke the skin of his lip. He sucked on it as the mundanity of how Mingi would scold him comforted his nerves. His lingering presence hovering around like a ghost since the moment he left.

 

“You've made it this far haven't you?” She shot back almost instantly, not giving him a second to stew. “You were so strong these last four months, don't you think you deserve a touch more grace for the suffering you’ve subjected yourself to? Don't second guess yourself so much Yunho,” he could almost picture the way she was tapping her nails against the counter, the familiar tilt her lips would take whenever he couldn't ease his own mind alone. 

 

She let him sit another moment before sighing, practically rolling up her sleeves as she leveled him with a tone he knew all too well. “Honey. I think in the long run, after all these years and the bond you two have built together, nothing you say can make him love you any less. You both deserve to be happy and you deserve to love him without feeling any of this self imposed guilt. Whether it's for taking too long, not seeing it sooner or whatever else is going on in your heart,” she almost scolded, or at least that’s what it felt like as the finality of her words singed the hair on his arms. Even still, she wasn't done, moving to address the part of him he hadn’t yet allowed to see the light of day. “I feel like as the one who raised you I need to say that, well-” she sighed through her nose, looking for strength as she forced her way forward. “Grandma is dead and God will only love you more for being true to what's right,” he couldn’t hold back a gasp even as she went on without stopping. “He would never want you to lie or belittle yourself for moving through life at your own pace. The only person who needs to forgive you for taking so long is yourself,” Yunho felt himself choke on nothing, a sense of previously unrecognized panic fizzled up and out of him ripping open his veins like a cyclone. “Mingi has loved you for years Yunho, and I promise you he will for many more,” he forced out a hum, more as acknowledgement of hearing her than anything else, too overwhelmed to form a proper sentence. “The real question is what you’ll choose to do about it.”

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮ 

 

Yunho had been at the airport for just about three hours. Even with text notifications tracking every mile of Mingi’s flight home, he still couldn't be too sure he wouldn’t miss it. It was a surprise after all. A dumb one actually. That Mingi could ever think Yunho wouldn’t be there to welcome him back the second his foot touched South Korean soil. But Mingi never outright asked him too, their most recent conversation pretty short considering the history of their normal track record. A crisp fifteen minutes, not enough even to have done a full play through of the album, but enough for Yunho to recognize Mingi being ready to come back home. It was a relief. So it didn’t particularly matter much to Yunho that he hadn’t been asked, enough time in his life was spent keeping Mingi waiting around. Whether it was unintentional or not, he couldn’t keep letting it happen.

 

He had been slowly sipping on a coffee, already mellowed to room temp and long over loved when he heard the ping of his phone. He was here, Yunho clicked on the message skimming for the luggage gate before picking up the small assortment of flowers Seonghwa had helped him put together the night before and speed walking in that direction. Yunho only got a few feet away before his phone buzzed again. The person behind him just narrowly missed colliding with his back as he came to a complete half in the middle of the walkway. He mumbled some form of an apology before waddling out of the flowing foot traffic to read the message more carefully. He smiled, wondering how many times Mingi had written and re-worded it before hitting send. 

 

> just landed. I can't wait to see you and I need tteokbokki immediately. eat? <

 

Yunho had to bite back a smile, he was here. His fingers flew back over his screen, oppositely, barely getting a full proof read in before hitting send and reentering the crowd moving towards where Mingi would shortly be. 

 

> welcome home princess. of course, dinner is on me <

 

Mingi read it instantly, a small heart popping up at the top of the message bubble. Yunho clung onto it tighter as the buzzing that had been tormenting in his gut all day shifted away from anxiousness and reamed towards excitement. He couldn't help it, it just felt too good to be true. Once he made it to the baggage area he parked himself to have a clear view of the doorway he knew Mingi would be walking out of. Yunho willed the time to go faster, checking his phone three times every minute just to make sure he hadn’t missed anything and that the clock was still in fact moving forward. 

 

When the next wave of people came through the hallway, Yunho’s eyes went wide. Scanning the crowd to jump from face to face. He should have known it wouldn't be hard to spot him, not like his best friend senses couldn't pick him out of a ten thousand person crowd, but with his height and pink hair faded almost blond, his location was given away in a second. Mingi hadn't seen him yet, obviously not even looking around. So Yunho granted himself a moment to be nothing more than love sick, drinking up the final acceptance that he was truly there in the flesh. Mingi’s worn in thick rimmed glasses hung low over his nose, his overstuffed canvas messenger bag pulling itself and half of his zip up down his shoulder to expose the black tank top and strong traps that would've otherwise been hidden. Yunho felt his cheeks flush as he caught the glint of his necklace and couldn't help but wonder, to hope, that he had been wearing it often while he was gone. He wasn't quite sure when his feet had moved, but the sound of his own voice startled him enough to be reeled back to the present. 

 

“Mingi!” The shock that painted his face as he whipped his head around was almost priceless. The younger spinning on the spot so fast he practically hip checked the man loitering next to him. His jaw dropped as he let his bag finally fall to the floor. And oh had Yunho missed him, the way he stood so strongly but still couldn’t stop himself from curling in when shy or caught off guard. Mingi only had the chance to half reach out to him before Yunho was crashing against his chest. It didn't even take the younger a full second to melt back against him. The weight that had been dragging Mingi down for god knows how long quickly seeped over Yunho as he held him standing, relief spilling from his lungs. 

 

He smelt the same. It was a stupid sort of relief, like that comfort in itself was enough to prove that nothing else had changed, but god did it feel good. That he was still his Mingi. Yunho couldn't stop himself from taking in deep breaths as Mingi melded even further to his body. Another moment later the younger's shoulders started to shake, quickly followed by the rest of him. The quiet sniffling next to his ear pushed Yunho into overdrive. Wrapping his arms even tighter as Mingi fisted the back of his jacket so hard he wasn’t sure it would make it much longer without ripping. When he tried to pull away, needing to look at him, to double, triple, quadruple check that he was there, Mingi made a small noise of protest. Scrambling to pull him closer as his glasses squished firmer against Yunho's neck. 

 

“I m-isss-ed yy-ou ss-so mu-uch,” his words hiccuped, tears deeply evident in the back of his throat. Yunho chuckled even as he felt his own ducts starting to open. Mingi lightly slapped his shoulder. “D-don’t make f-fun of m-me,” he blubbered, losing track of his breath as his shoulders jumped harsher with each inhale. 

 

“Shh Minnie, it's okay,” he rocked them back and forth, running his hand along Mingi’s back to comfort him as best he could as the strength and integrity of the wall surrounding him crumbled. He cried openly, the softness and warmth of Yunho's arms shedding away five and a half months worth of discomfort and dissregulation. Yunho cursed at them as they passed, Mingi’s unease feeling like his own, each tear that fell a direct punch to his gut. After a few minutes he finally got himself to calm down, aided by Yunho’s long fingers scratching at the base of his scalp. “I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am that you're back,” he whispered over the bustling crowd swarming around them, the mass moving forward as the carousel began shooting out their luggage. As much as he wished he could keep it together for Mingi's sake, there was no way to ignore the quivering depth of his own breath, the wetness lingering at the back of each word. “I was worried that you’d never come home,” he cooed, teasing even if he was telling a bold-faced truth. Mingi snorted, smacking his arm again before finally pulling back enough for Yunho to see. 

 

He was, in all honesty, a mess. His hair now sticking up in the back, face red and splotchy, eyes bloodshot and nose running. There were tears still actively trying to break free of his wobbly hold, the one that had already fallen smudging the inside of his lenses. But most prevalent was his smile, the one Yunho missed more than he could probably ever describe, out shining everything else around them. “How could you ever even think I wouldn’t come back?” Then his face took on probably his second favorite expression, a small pout, screwing up his eyebrows to look skeptically back at him. God he had missed him. 

 

“Because I'm an idiot,” Yunho smiled back, the words coming easily, true and unmarred by lies. Mingi nodded, taking one last sniff in before latching his arms back around Yunho’s waist. His chest soared as the other’s chin hooked over its rightful place on his shoulder. “Did you really think I was going to let you land without being here to pick you up?” Mingi made an ‘I dunno’ sound muffled into his shirt, a shy grumble that Yunho could guess the meaning behind. He pinched at his side, earning him a surprised yelp before Mingi pulled back to stand on his own, hand never leaving Yunho’s body, like he too didn’t want to think of being any further away. 

 

“Help me get my bags?” With a nod Yunho bowed deeply, sarcastically bending to ninety degrees before coming back up with a fat grin. 

 

“At your service,” the other giggled, blushing a little even as he glanced away and shifted towards the suitcases. 

 

“Mine all have pink tags on them,” Mingi reminded him like it hadn't been Yunho who‘d bought him those ribbons in the first place. Yunho nodded, bending down to pick up Mingi’s deceptively heavy carryon to throw over his shoulder. His other hand found Mingi’s to interlace their fingers, bold and unafraid. Mingi’s sharp eyes caught his as Yunho turned back, a small flicker of surprise flashed along his brow but Yunho met him with nothing but certainty. Wordlessly gripping his fingers until needing the hand back to lug his suitcases to the floor. He didn't know how Mingi managed to scam the heaviest luggage known to man through TSA, but he wasn't going to be the one to complain. 

 

Once everything was gathered Yunho led Mingi towards his spot in short term parking. The fee was going to be steep after staying for so long, but he was more than happy to shell it out. The late fall air was crisp against Yunho’s skin as he did his best to jam both of Mingi’s xxl suitcases into the trunk of his compact car, vaguely aware of how Mingi was leaning against the door watching him work. Yunho tried to ignore it, already feeling the way his ears were heating up under his watch. 

 

“I know you probably want to get home and settled,” he broke the silence with a heavy clap, slamming the trunk closed. “But do you have plans for the next few days?” He asked wiping his hands across the front of his slacks, not rushing for an answer as he opened the passenger door for him. Mingi snorted at the act, but the small pleased smile he earned was more than enough to quell his rapidly beating heart. 

 

“No,” Mingi responded once Yunho had jogged around the car and slid into his own seat. “I was just planning to avoid unpacking,” he joked, turning at the waist to click in his seat belt. “Why, what did you have in mind?” Yunho grinned, the kind of smile that immediately told Mingi he had walked himself into a plan there would be little opportunity to get out of. Yunho was choosing to believe it wasn’t something he would want to miss. 

 

“I booked a small room for the two of us this weekend at an Inn on the coast of Ansan. Wanted to spend as much time together as we could and I know the second I get you back the others are going to want just as much of your time as I will,” he glanced over a little sheepishly, throwing the car into reverse to look away. “I hope you don't mind,” was tacked onto the end, a shy proactive apology for overstepping. The silence emanating from beside him was daunting as he waited, trying and pretty much failing to catastrophize. 

 

When he finally glanced back over, Mingi was looking straight at him, skeptical. Trying to analyze any and all meanings of the offer. Or worse, looking for a way to turn him down, or even more worse, already building a way to protect his heart. To shield himself from whatever he could come up with on the spot. 

 

“That sounds nice,” he finally relented. Yunho’s hands relaxed not realizing he had been white knuckling the steering wheel. “But can we still stop for tteokbokki?” He tilted his head cutely, a small smile reassuring Yunho just enough to fully relax. Glad not to be outright denied even if he might have been a bit deserving of it. 

 

“Definitely,” he snorted, fishing out his wallet to pay the meter. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

Their drive towards the beach was natural. It practically flew by actually, listening to Mingi talk through bites of rice cake. He filled the space with trivial things, about how the long term airbnb they stayed in had an outdoor shower he'd felt too nervous to use, that the studio space they provided him was three times the size of the one he had in Korea and showed off all the broken English he had learned. He hemmed and hawed over how the artist’s staff treated him like royalty. Mingi snorted sarcastically as Yunho cut him off, reminding him that he was in fact, and that all princesses should be treated like that. Especially him. 

 

He talked about the album, how challenging the language barrier had been, that conquering it only made him feel that much more accomplished. Mingi had praised his translator pretty much every time they talked on the phone, but hearing it in person Yunho realized how severely alone he would have been if not for Jongho. Yunho had yet to meet him, but he still felt like he owed him his life for keeping Mingi such reliable company. 

 

The conversation was generally insubstantial. Hovering around things that didn’t matter much, refusing to touch anything with a deeper meaning. Still, Yunho didn’t care about that. He craved to know everything, or at least to hear Mingi’s voice talk until it went hoarse. His own throat was still tight with fresh tears, pulsing stupidly close to the surface even as the miles passed. He had missed him so much, but somehow he hadn’t realized just how much until Mingi was back by his side. With a hand absentmindedly touching Yunho’s arm as he talked, slightly shaking the car as his knees knocked together to expel extra energy. Making Yunho's heart flutter with every little snort and incredulous recounting scoff that escaped his lips. 

 

Mingi practically inhaled the snack Yunho had bought him, clearly hungry out of his mind for the food he grew up with. He figured Mingi would have been more than grateful to raid a CU for all the snacks and junk his taste buds had been craving, but Yunho decided that could wait. “I made us a dinner reservation for a bit after we check in, I assume you’re still hungry?” Mingi nodded fast enough for his head to almost bounce against the window behind him. Yunho snorted, flicking on his directional before turning into the parking lot.  

 

The small Inn he had found for them was very quaint. Mostly a picturesque spot for tourists, the water almost lapping at the back door it was so close to the beach. The off season helped his pocket some while choosing the place for them, but he figured this was best. The owner had even gone so far as to say there were only a handful of other people reserved for the week. He was glad they would have their privacy, that’s what he wanted most. To have Mingi to himself with no distractions. 

 

Yunho cleared his throat, suddenly nervous as he put the car in park. “Do you need to bring in both bags?” He didn’t know what Mingi was looking at so intently, granted there was a lot to take in, the courtyard beside the main entrance, the small patio facing the beach. Even the beach itself, but the way Yunho turned to face him seemed to shock Mingi out of his equally frazzled state.

 

“Oh,” Mingi blinked, glancing over his shoulder at the back seat. “Why don’t you go check us in and I’ll shuffle some stuff around into my duffle?” Mingi offered, goal oriented mind taking over as he hopped out of the car. Stretching his legs, Yunho looked over the roof, watching as Mingi moved to roll out his shoulders, painted by the evening sun basking across his face. He snorted as he caught him, Yunho ducking away quickly with glowing red ears as he fumbled to grab his own bag from the back.

 

“I packed you one of my sweatshirts,” Yunho added absentmindedly, pulling it from his bag. He knew it was Mingi’s favorite to wear, he was honestly shocked that the younger had snatched a different one after asking to bring something along with him the last time he was at Yunho's apartment. “It's getting pretty chilly out and I didn't know if you had a thick enough one. I know it’s your fav-“ Yunho’s words tapered off as he straightened back up. Mingi was resting his elbows on the car, watching him closely as he rambled. There was something in his eyes, an almost confused conductivity, curious like he could feel the shift in Yunho even without knowing just how much of his mind had been altered with his absence. “Your favorite one,” he finished, slowly this time locked in on Mingi’s face, not shying away or trying to label why his attention made so much blood rush to his cheeks. No, now he knew exactly why. 

 

“Thank you,” he breathed, tucking in on himself. Yunho nodded silently before walking around the car. There was nothing shy about the way he stopped in front of him, nothing timid in the hand reaching out to grasp his shoulder, holding zero hesitancy in the way he pulled Mingi to his chest and enveloped the younger’s waist with desperate arms. There wasn’t a single ounce of protest from the other either, just a cute ‘hm?’ before giving himself up to wrap around Yunho's traps and hang off his shoulder. It was the same old song and dance, the same hug they had shared a million times. But it felt more permanent, stronger, having been thoroughly warped by their time away. Newly reinforced with steel welding and barbed wire, fiercely protected. Yunho let Mingi be the one to pull away, his content smile a blessing in itself, small but so intoxicatingly fond. How could he have ever missed that? 

 

He wordlessly handed Mingi the car keys, taking a few backwards steps towards the building. Stupidly enough, he was afraid if he turned around Mingi might not be there when he looked back. The younger’s amused face trailed him in return, strong features practically dancing in the setting sun before turning around to bend back into the car.

 

It didn't take long for Mingi to appear next to him, timing it perfectly just as the front desk worker was handing him a room key. The old fashioned metal was heavy in his hand as he looked to the younger, snorting at the way he'd tightly packed his bag. Somehow producing another smaller tote to sling over his shoulder. Much like earlier, Yunho slipped it off of Mingi's shoulder to swap it for the key as he nodded in the direction of their room. 

 

The younger wasn’t shy about telling Yunho how gross the travel grime covering his body felt, seeping deep into his bones after such a long flight. He snorted as Mingi snatched his bag back, barely even glancing into their room before dashing off to shower. It was okay, Yunho figured that it was best he had some time to ground himself now that the first steps of getting him alone had been accomplished. The next part of the plan was definitely the scariest anyways. He would do well with a few more minutes alone.

 

The room was nice, decorated simply in a way that held no place for most commercial spaces. It was refreshing to know there weren't any stock images framed on the walls or business desks sitting untouched in the corner. No, the room looked like a studio apartment. A small couch was positioned to look out the large bay window, it cast a bright shadow over the muted mossy green comforter folded at the end of their queen sized bed. He hoped that wouldn’t be a problem, it definitely wasn’t something he mentioned upfront when asking Mingi to join him. In all honesty, it would have probably felt weirder to not share a bed when every time he had ever stayed over it had ended with them politely tucked against each other’s sides. Not to mention Yunho hated the idea of Mingi being any further than an inch out of reach.

 

He dropped his bag on the two person table pushed up against their tiny kitchenette. Exhaling, Yunho opened the front flap just to quickly push it back down. The hidden envelope addressed to Mingi burning the back of his brain even as he stepped away. He practically ran towards the sliding door of their attached balcony, finding his ass pressed against an outdoor cushioned before any conscious thought weaseled its way back into the game. Being outside was good, the fresh air was calming against his face and the breeze easily pushed cool air through the heathered stitch of his sweater. There wasn’t enough space out there to have the option of pacing back and forth, which was also good. Instead he counted his breaths, doing everything in his power to clear the pulse of his mind, breathing through long blinks as the sun slowly sank closer to the edge of the ocean. 

 

The mix of squawking seagulls and steady crash of waves was just barely enough to cover the soft rolling sound of the door behind him. “Woah,” Mingi wondered at the sky, his head just barely poking out of the room. “The sun looks so beautiful, how did you even find this place?” He stepped further out, shivering at a more forceful gust of wind as it coursed over his steam flushed skin. Mingi practically gasped as he reached down to rest a hand over his shoulder. “Jesus Yun you’re fucking freezing, what the hell?” He openly scolded, wrapping sturdy fingers around Yunho's arm to pull him back into the room. “How long were you out there?” Yunho chuckled, already feeling boiling hot by Mingi’s presence alone. He was starting to get embarrassed about the fact he’d never realized how much of a sap he was, his poor poor friends. No wonder Seonghwa had laid into him so heavily. 

 

“Well how long were you in the shower?” He smirked wryly, perching himself on the back of the couch as Mingi plopped down on the edge of the bed by a discarded towel, picking it back up to rub at his wet hair. 

 

“Too long for you to be outside without a thicker layer on, you idiot,” Mingi grumbled from underneath the towel over his head. He pulled the fabric back down to his lap, the frowning pout on his mouth overshadowed by the way his semi dried hair stuck up in all directions. “If you get sick, how are we going to have a good weekend? This room is beautiful by the way,” he gestured around them. Yunho followed his hand, gaze inevitably falling to the table where his bag sat. The same panic as before obtrusively crept up his spine, his imaginary x-ray vision watching as the stationary looked menacingly back at him through the leather. 

 

After Mingi’s initial shock of Yunho being at the airport, everything had been so normal that it was almost eerie. They were both so giddy, giggly and slaphappy to be back together. Yet it was painfully clear they were both ignoring what lingered over their shoulders. The silent curiosity hiding behind each sideways glance Mingi had sent him in the car, the subliminal questioning as to why he had brought them to an Inn instead of one of their apartments. Wondering what the reason was, the younger was clearly unsure if he was reading the situation correctly. Unfortunately Yunho knew he was in charge of starting that conversation, he owed it to him to set aside that perpetual cowardice. 

 

Yunho stood up a little too fast, not hesitating to push forward the three large steps needed to reach his bag. He snatched the letter before he could lose the momentum. Having it in his hand while Mingi shared his space made everything all feel so real, shocked to finally find himself on the precipice of what they could be. He must have gotten caught up in it, the internal freakout so encapsulating he didn’t hear Mingi's voice.

 

“Earth to Yunho~” he sang, the sweetness of his tone nearly enough to hide the lurking curiosity of where he’d gone. Yunho almost wished his eyes hadn't refocused at the sound of his voice, that way the instant flush of attraction could have been kept from adding just another variable to his long list of coming obstacles. His amused face made Yunho’s heart jump the exact second his gut swooped. The water still clinging to Mingi's damp hair was slowly dripping down the side of his face, curling around his sharp jaw to drop to the fabric of his sweat pants. Yunho traced its path, running the lengths of Mingi’s chin, neck and throat. A peak of silver still showed from below the thin shirt draping itself over his shoulders, the fabric clinging to the parts of his chest that hadn't been quite dried enough before tugging it on. 

 

He couldn't tell if it was amusing or jarring that this physical attraction didn’t feel at all off or foreign. Of course he had tried over the last few months, to really think on if it was something he could get his body to have interest in. Typical to him, he worried. Even though the emotional feelings were solidly there, what if he couldn’t show up for Mingi’s body like that? Time and time again his self exploration, whether it was watching videos or reading, felt stiff. Like he was always walking a tightrope between partially affected and indifferent. The thought of that deficiency had made him so uneasy, but here with Mingi’s focus on him, a searing warmth roiled in his stomach. Yunho was dumbfounded to recognize that maybe, if not for his own frantic mind, he might not have needed to label it as a problem to begin with. The whole ordeal brought on another stark realization, that Mingi was the only person to have ever made him feel this exact consuming sort of urgency. That in itself was probably why he had never previously thought to label the unfamiliarity as lust. Just like that, Yunho was able to grasp he'd likely been incorrectly labeling every other intimate interaction he’d ever had. Manipulating it to feel enough, to protect himself from the density of that overwhelming low floating cloud in his body, to distract his train of thought. Because if that’s what this felt like... He shook it from his mind, closing his eyes tightly before taking another determined step closer. 

 

“I got your letter,” he started boldly, not trying to disguise the conversation he was taking the steps to begin. He knew he couldn’t be vague anymore, needing it off of his chest before being successfully crushed into the soil. Mingi froze, eyes dipping down to the unfamiliar envelope he must have only just registered him holding. Should he maybe have waited to do this until Mingi was back in the country for longer than ten seconds? Probably, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. He had made Mingi wait long enough.

 

Mingi stared up, pupils blown a bit too wide as his mouth opened just to pause and snap close. Clearly not expecting Yunho to have the balls to bring it up or say something. Realistically, Yunho knew there was a very slim chance he was going to be rejected in the end of it all, thank god. Unfortunately there was always the possibility things might have shifted Mingi’s mind since then in the same way he knew his whole world had tilted on its axis. But he’d caught him in the car, glancing over with a fondness Yunho recognized receiving time and time again. Yet now he saw it for what it truly was, what he'd always been to Mingi’s heart. There was a deep relief centered in it, a dense power that made his body vibrate.

 

“You didn’t give me a return address,” he blurted with the grace of a baby deer. Mingi’s hands had frozen mid jerky ruffle, the towel now sliding down to rest over his shoulder as he watched the man in front of him like a hawk. His vision traced Yunho very closely, calculated and careful. Scared.

 

“I didn't,” he spoke slowly, the heavy weight of his tentativeness squeezed at the collar of his shirt. Yunho knew this was the moment things would change forever. As much as he had prepared, he was quick to realize he might not have anticipated this volume of anxiety to be jittering through his limbs. Like Seonghwa said, he reminded himself again, that this could be a good thing. It would be a good thing. He swallowed, not letting himself shift away even as much as his body was begging.

 

“So I,” he bit his lip, taking a big breath to prepare for the leap. He knew it was time to sprint, to run full speed ahead without looking back even as the letter felt heavy in his fingers. Picking at a folded corner he glanced back up, just to be sure Mingi hadn’t evaporated, that this wasn’t some elaborate dream to fill him with foreboding for when the time did actually come. When he was sitting in exactly the same spot, his eyes fixed so curiously on what he had in his hand, Yunho let his shoulders fall ever so slightly. “So I thought I'd just-ah, that I'd give it to you now.” 

 

When he didn’t immediately hand it over, frozen an awkward few feet away, Mingi snorted. A small bit of certainty crawled back to his taught posture as he watched Yunho squirm. Maybe even realizing the same thing he had been repeating incessantly in his own brain. ‘It’s just Mingi.' “What, are you going to read it to me ‘ten things I hate about you’ style?” He teased even as the spark behind his eyes gave away a lingering dash of uncertainty, that same flicker of nervousness he almost always hid within his dismissive jokes so bright it was practically blinding. 

 

“No, I have it memorized,” Yunho shot back reflexively, flat and matter of fact. Not needing another second to think, he took a step closer tossing the letter onto the bed next to him. Long since discerning that mincing his words would only hold him back. Hold them back. There were so many possibilities to lose, of their lives growing even further entangled, their routines overlapping until they became one. To have a future of waking up together without feeling the need to scramble out of Mingi’s personal space. So that his arms could stay bracketed around his waist, to shamelessly pull him even tighter to his chest while his nose pressed welcomely into the nape of his neck. To keep him at the apartment, occupying him for days before trapping him to linger by the door as long as possible, maybe even convincing him not to go. If he didn't do this there would be no prospects of kissing him without hurting them both, stupidly enough the thought of not getting to experience the touch of his lips genuinely made him feel like he might die. Worse was that Mingi told him none of those hinting touches were allowed any more at all if it wasn't mutual. “I've had what I needed to say brewing inside of me for far longer than that letter has been written.” 

 

“Please stop pacing Pup, you’re making me nervous,” Mingi’s kind but tense voice froze Yunho in his tracks, clueless as to when he even started to move his feet. Yunho wasn’t used to having this much nervous energy in him. He was a pro at public speaking, easily able to keep the attention of the newsroom and most large crowds without a lick of apprehension. So what the hell was this? 

 

“Sorry, yeah. Sorry,” he rushed, frazzled as he planted himself back right in front of the other. As if on instinct he took a step closer, Mingi’s neck following to keep eyes fixed on his face. In hindsight maybe that had been a mistake, another confirmation of arousal licking up his spine as he looked down towering over him. Mingi’s focus was fully locked on his, slowly blinking as he bit down on his bottom lip. Yunho knew the action was out of anxiety, but his stupid prehistoric brain couldn't help but zone in on the way the plush skin bounced back, glistening with his saliva. Just in case, he took a half step back to prevent any embarrassment, rocking on his heels as he suppressed a stutter. 

 

“Yunho,” Mingi whispered, so kind and unmistakably patient. Almost like being struck by a bolt of lightening, his face said it all. Every one of his sharp lines softened, his brows lightly turning up as the corners of his mouth almost imperceptibly ran crooked. The vast comprehension hit like a pair of brass knuckles to his jaw. In all unlikelihood, he had without fail always been able to read Mingi. That all this time he had just been ignoring the words. Because he knew this look, he knew it well as one he was so viscerally used to receiving. Only now… He was so dumb. Mingi’s eyes had always been screaming the same damn thing. He had never understood what he needed to say more than in that one beat of his heart. 

 

“Mingi it was always you,” maybe Yunho was skipping ahead a few lines, well paragraphs probably. But he didn’t have the patience, especially when the words pulled a gasp out of Mingi. The hands he had gently placed against his thighs twitched, grabbing onto his sweat pants like a lifeline as his brows furrowed waiting for Yunho to say more. “It’s always been you that came first for me Min, in everything. You are what I spend all my time thinking, no daydreaming about,” he forced himself to keep his eyes steadily attached to the other’s, made himself dig deep for the courage Mingi deserved from him. “You are the one I look to when something good happens, the person I want to share my successes with first, who I know will always have my back when I can't have my own. You're there whenever I do something stupid, who I rush to every time I see something that makes me laugh. You’re the only person I want with me when I’m sad and without a doubt the only person I’ve ever felt fully comfortable with when I just need someone to hold me through it. Mingi you are - our life is what I think about every night as I fall asleep,” Mingi’s hands started to tremble, it was terrifying how deeply his dark eyes were boring into him. A part of Yunho wondered if he was still even fully listening, if he wasn't already completely overwhelmed the same way Yunho was. It felt good though, to finally get it off his chest to who it actually mattered. He couldn't stop himself once he’d started. 

 

"I crave your attention in a way I've never known before. That's just always how it was with you, but it's impossible to ignore how much worse it got once we could actually see each other in person,” Mingi nodded, which was good, it was something. “What’s probably worse is that I want to occupy your every thought as well. To know that you’re always thinking about me because that’s exactly what is happening here," he pointed sternly to his chest, ignoring the throb it left behind. "Mingi I think about you every second of every day. The most menial things remind me of you,” Yunho snorted to himself, relieving just a touch of restlessness by running a hand through his fluffy hair. “Seriously, you could point at literally any object in this room and I'd somehow be able to find a way to connect it back,” he huffed. 

 

Yunho stuck his finger out rather rudely as Mingi opened his mouth to speak. The younger snorted, clearly not taking it personally even as he remained anxiously frozen to his spot on the edge of the bed. He just needed it all out, to lighten the load on his heart before having the capacity to think of anything else.

 

“You’ve turned my world upside down and I'm an idiot for not realizing it sooner. Seriously Mingi, my life completely changed the day that I got your first letter,” that brought a little life back into him, his muscles shifting even if the small release of tension was barely noticeable. “In a lot of almost nonexistent ways at first but they got so much bigger over time, changing the way I approached life all the way down to my core. But most importantly, you taught me to be vulnerable, how to talk about my emotions openly without shame in a way that was new and unbelievably freeing. It came without the baggage of the people I already knew, you were a clean slate for me to learn who I was through conversation. And I know I took that for granted. Somewhere along the way I forgot that you were who I have to thank for the way I grew up so kind.”

 

The foreboding lines on Mingi’s forehead shifted downwards, turning reprimanding, righteous. Finally getting himself to speak for the first time, given an opportunity to respond to something that didn't revolve around ‘it’. “Yunho don’t be dumb. You have always been kind and that was in you way before me. There is no way I’m the one to credit for that.” 

 

“No Min, you don’t get it,” Yunho shook his head, wilting as he wracked his brain over how to put it, how to make him understand. He rubbed at his temple, petulant, childlike frustration seeping off of him as he struggled to express the realness of what he just confessed. “Yeah I was kind to everyone before I met you, I won't argue that point,” Mingi hummed, the sound a bit smug as the lines in his skin marginally relaxed. “But not to myself,” the other tilted his head, cute enough Yunho almost lost the thought entirely. “You gave me that kindness, Princess. You gave me the chance to learn it’s possible to love someone so much you start loving yourself as well.”

 

“Oh Yuyu,” Mingi whispered, one hand finally letting go of his pants to absentmindedly rest over his heart. Breathlessly, his whole body sagged as all fight to resist zapped away. With his next inhale a new understanding bloomed a deep appreciation. Tricky moisture fogged his vision, struggling to quickly blink it down as he grasped the complement's weight more with each wave beating over his unsuspecting heart. It splashed up his body, forcing him to wade through a pool of Yunho’s admission. The seriousness startled even Yunho, that particular confession hadn’t necessarily been something he planned to let go just yet, but it was out and it was true so what was the point of feeling embarrassed? Again his feet started moving without permission, the energy needing some way to rush from his body. 

 

“I feel kinda dumb you know,” he kept going as a sardonic snort scratched the back of his throat. “Of course Seonghwa and San both knew, Hwa was just the only one brave enough to say something. He absolutely ripped into San about it too. He fully admitted he'd known I felt this way since high school. Can you believe that? Going all that time without saying a single word,” he started to ramble, the pace making him sound crazier as he spoke without breathing. “But you know how he is. Let me go through life for ten fucking years blind to what’s right in front of me. Like I said.. I’m so dumb.”

 

“Stop pacing,” Mingi told him again, a hint of humor finding his tone as Yunho unraveled in real time. Mingi knew he tended to do this. Holding something in, whether it was frustration or anger, really anything he deemed relatively unpleasant, until it rushed out of him in masses. However he did stop moving, it eased him to be taken care of even through that small of a gesture. Some part of his brain settled, content in realizing Mingi hadn’t outright stopped him from spilling his guts. That he wasn’t shutting him down or storming out of the room. Yunho huffed, nodding even as he ran shaky hands back through his hair, long fingers grasping to hang from the tops of his shoulders on the way down. 

 

“The issue is that I never realized what I felt could even have the possibility to be recognized as something more than friendship. Isn’t that so empty headed? Hwa was at least gentle with me as I came to terms with myself, knowing the thoughts I was having never felt like they could belong to me. I think he saw me freaking out too much to be harsh about it," Yunho snorted, remembering back to the visual restrain Seonghwa put his excitement under as to not rush him to a conclusion. "I’m glad I had him to help me though. To let me understand myself a bit better, to feel that to some extent he knew what I was processing from his own experience. I bet that's what having Wooyoung felt like, I'm so grateful for him because of it. I think I'm lucky because now I can recognize the patterns on my own,” he was a little frustrated that even with such honesty spewing from his mouth, he was still struggling to say the words he’d been dancing around outright. But when Mingi nodded, his cheeks a bit pinker than before, he knew for sure he was reading between the lines. 

 

“I think I realize why you skipped your month back in high school,” Yunho blurted. Snorting, Mingi tilted his head with a snarky grin. He was clearly starting to enjoy himself, his own nervousness melting away drip by drip even as Yunho grew more flustered. More frantic. 

 

“You still remember that? It happened so long ago,” Yunho scoffed, frowning at him before scoffing again when Mingi smiled up at him devilishly. 

 

“Of course I still remember that,” he almost snapped, patting his hot cheek with a centering huff. His shoulders sagged as he looked back at Mingi. The younger’s features were soft even as his posture became more confident, gaining strength with each admittance. A bubble of excitement grew inside of him the more Mingi teased, the casualness settling between them soothing even though Yunho was still so serious about what he was saying, the stakes just as high. “I legitimately lost sleep over it,” he scoffed at himself. Almost laughing as Mingi’s renewed grace echoed far enough to wipe away the pounding behind his forehead. “My mom thought you had broken up with me or something. Which at the time I didn't think much of but now looking back..”

 

“I”m sor-“ Yunho couldn’t let him get the rest out, even while recognizing the playful start to his inflection. 

 

“Mingi, I love you. I love you so much that it hurts,” Yunho desperately locked onto his eyes. Expression begging him to see the yearning he carried, the need to give him everything, the critical earnestness to make him understand. Unable to tell if the small gasp heard between them came from him or the other.

 

Mingi was on his feet in a second, rushing through one long stride to plant himself just an inch away. Yet even that distance was too far, he could practically feel the sparks of electricity bouncing between their bodies. Mingi bit his lip, the nervous urgency not lost on the other, all the effort he had put into soothing himself over the course of Yunho’s spiel vanished as he looked the marginal distance up to meet his eye. “I have to know if-” he choked, like suddenly he was scared to address it directly as well. Yunho didn’t blame him. “I need you to mean it”

 

“I know,” Yunho whispered, his voice wet as a steep fondness flooded his chest. “I know and I'm so sorry I didn't realize sooner. I mean it, Mingi. I mean it with my whole heart,” he reached out to bridge the gap, shaking fingers finding Mingi's wrist to slide down and take his hand. “Mingi I w-”

 

“Yunho,” Mingi exhaled, shaking his head as he took a deep breath to find his center. “Shut up,” he murmured before leaning forward, not hesitating a second before slotting their lips together. Yunho gasped against his mouth. For a moment the whole universe stopped turning, all worldly sounds vanishing except for the loud thrum in his chest and the sweet involuntary gasp Mingi couldn't keep in. Sparks unlike anything he had ever felt exploded over his skin, through the heavy beat of his heart and along the fingertips leaving Mingi’s hand to wrap tightly around the base of his skull. 

 

Yunho devoured the thrilled gasp Mingi let out as his nails greedily ran over his scalp. It was a shock to realize his whole body was shaking. An insane wave of adrenaline threatened to strike him dead as Mingi tilted his head further, taking another step against him. Yunho couldn't believe he hadn't had this sooner, the rush that was Mingi pressed this close. How different it felt from any and all physical intimacy he’d experienced before. It was just so Mingi. The way he melted against him, heart to heart, hips to hips, even their knees aligning. Yunho’s drunk brain had been right in thinking he wouldn’t need to bend down more than a small tilt of his head for their lips to find each other. He reveled in the pressure of Mingi’s strong biceps flexing to wrap around his waist, his large hands tangling with the back of his sweater, tugging it tighter to not let him slip away. The smell of his cologne, the one that had always been so addicting clouded Yunho's brain, flooding his senses and coating his inhibitions with nothing but sheer need as he practically keened into the younger’s mouth.

 

The feel of Mingi’s lips smiling against him made his heart falter, racing heavier to catch up even as his ankles felt weak and body grew lighter. His lungs refused to prioritize taking in unused air, why would he when Mingi's tasted so good. The small huffs of content rattling out of Mingi’s sinuses made him want to cry, to know he had been keeping this away from him, from them. Like his mom said, now that they passed this point the only person he needed to forgive was himself. It had him realizing he wasn't done confessing, maybe he would never be done.

 

Through the mouth pressed to his own he tried to mumble, shifting to kiss over the corner of Mingi’s lips. “But I'm not done telling yo-” Yunho practically yipped in surprise as Mingi shifted his head to quickly recapture his bottom lip, nipping sharply against the skin to quite effectively shut him up. 

 

Opened by his shock, Mingi didn't hesitate to explore as his tongue almost politely slipped past the seal of Yunho’s mouth. The velvety slide of their tongues made him groan, hoarse and deep, his whole body collapsing into the younger’s touch as he quickly reciprocated. If Mingi had tasted good before, this must have been heaven. The sweetness of his spit swirling to exchange against Yunho's tongue was intoxicating. Yunho’s hold on his head dragged him somehow closer, their teeth clacking together before finally separating. Panting, they rested over each other's forehead's, embracing the new and thrilling brand of closeness.

 

There was just so much to be said in that first kiss. The years of mutual anticipation hidden to one the way it had always been clear to the other, slipping down to puddle around their feet. Yunho’s hand shook as it pulled away from Mingi’s neck, fingers trembling as they reached to brush against his cheek. 

 

“I love you Mingi,” he practically dissolved, feeling the younger’s giggle brush over his face. Instinctively he pulled away just enough to see, gut practically falling to the floor. He had expected his happiness would be reflected, but the sheer volume of joy rolling off of him was almost too much to absorb. It hid Mingi's eyes behind the beaming shine of his cheeks, his exposed crooked teeth trying to dull it ever so slightly as he bit down on his lip. “I love you and I'm an idiot and I'm going to be with you for as long as you let me,” he rambled, brushing his thumb back and forth over the freckle at the top of his cheek.

 

“Yeah you are an idiot,” Mingi hummed, teasing as his focus flicked back down to Yunho's lips. Cocky in a way that made his gut tense. It was of course just another reaction to catalogue in the ever growing pile of preexisting feelings he'd never quite been able to put a label on before. His fluttering heart practically collapsed realizing that now he might just be able to act on it as well. Still, Yunho let out a small pouted scoff, doing his best to disguise the flames that were infiltrating his blood. “Kiss me again,” Mingi whispered flatly, not formed as a question nor a request. And who was Yunho to refuse such a demand?

 

Their unchecked smiles were a new obstacle as their lips met back together, the same urgency as before shifting into something new. Something he could get deeply addicted to. It was lazy, twisting as if they had been tangled up with one another like this for years. There was no fight for dominance, a simple give and take, a flowing yin and yang of energy passed between their mouths and desperate hands. Just as Yunho’s brain reached silence, no thoughts stirring except for how to get more of Mingi in and around his senses, his phone alarm went off. 

 

Mingi’s whine was immediate at his hesitation. Yet hearing that new tone, breathy and wanton, within a sound he had always been so innately familiar with made Yunho's body pulse. He had to physically hold himself back from pouncing, to urge that petulant whimper out of Mingi again and again. The fluttering of his gut was forced to fight off every one of his nerve endings that urged him to surge forward and take. Unfortunately, he knew he had set that alarm specifically to remind them of their dinner reservation. Yunho hadn't known where or what they might be doing, just that they would need to eat.

 

“Minnie,” he could barely whisper, so out of breath that he had to steal labored gasps in order to come back to earth. “Min, we have to go to dinner.” 

 

“No?” Mingi scoffed, the lips Yunho had taken away from him easily replaced with his jaw, the younger trailing intoxicatingly light kisses up to the tender skin below Yunho’s ear. He shivered as Mingi’s tongue darted out to lap absently at his skin, smirking as he felt Yunho stutter through a flustered gulp.

 

“We- we aren't in the city, if we miss dinner then we won't be-” Yunho shuttered as the younger slipped a cheeky hand under his shirt, splaying an open palm over his abdomen as lips continued to explore the expanse of his neck. As much as he was genuinely trying, his body couldn't help itself, lightly chubbing up as Mingi bit down, sucking just enough for a light flush to decorate his artery. “Mingi y-you have to stop, I can't think straight,” he tried and failed to say sternly. Mingi’s physical mirth very evidently proved the scolding hadn't had the intended effect, choking down a stuttered breath as he still graciously pulled away. The lighthearted smile he maintained was both devilish and dazed, almost as distracting as the pink of his worn lips and the clear fuzziness he was trying to blink back from. “We have to go to dinner,” he murmured, leaving the fanfare of deeper reasoning behind as he leaned back in himself to steal a kiss. Yunho forced himself away before the chasteness could shift to anything deeper. Slowly becoming aware that if he had the cognitive ability to think beyond the adrenaline and heat of Mingi’s body, his stomach would definitely be asking for a meal. 

 

With a prolonged, dramatic sigh Mingi nodded, graciously stepping away even though it looked and felt physically painful to do. Yunho trailed closely behind as Mingi walked over to the bed where he had tossed his bag. He reached down to gently pick up the letter Yunho had discarded beside him, holding it with both hands like a precious gem. “Later,” Yunho whispered behind him, stepping forward to wrap around Mingi's waist and lean his chin to look over his shoulder. It felt so disgustingly natural to touch him like that, to place a kiss to the crook of his neck as Mingi’s weight melted back. Worn in like they had been doing it for eons. “There is more I want to say before you get to read that, now that I've finally started talking,” Mingi nodded, turning to place a lingering kiss against Yunho’s perpetually flushed cheek. 

 

“Okay,” he whispered into his skin, giving another quick peck before placing it on top of his bag and grabbing the sweatshirt Yunho had given him in the parking lot. “I don't have to dress up?” Mingi wondered absentmindedly, still blinking slowly, not yet fully back to earth. Yunho wondered if he always looked that way in these sort of situations. Maybe worse, was impatient to discover how much further he could get those eyes to glaze over. He cleared his throat. 

 

“Definitely not,” he huffed, pushing the thought as far away as possible for the time being. He shifted back, barely able to face Mingi as the stinging feel of curious mischief was pelted against his body. Instead searching for the younger’s hand, willfully ignoring Mingi’s grin to drag them both towards the door. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

The walk was quiet. The constant sound of steady waves lulling through their bubble, the entire world serene as blue hour encapsulated the sky and back lit the color of their skin. Mingi smiled up at him every time Yunho squeezed his hand, just needing to check he was still there as they trailed the short gravel road connecting the Inn and nearby family run restaurant. 

 

Even in their own little world it didn’t take them long to arrive. Once inside he starkly realized they most definitely did not need a reservation. The space wasn't much. Obviously the building had been standing for generations, but it was dimly lit and the tiny two person tables were sparsely set apart. It set a good atmosphere for private conversation and most importantly, smelt absolutely delicious. Mingi couldn't stop looking out of the window their waiter sat them next to, the dock and beach leading practically right up to the doorstep. That gratification in itself made the restaurant an easy five stars. 

 

Yunho couldn't help but stare. The deep yellow lamps lit up the highlights of Mingi's face, casting shadows along his sharp lines and sparkling against his eyes. Mingi turned burnt red the second he noticed how closely he was being watched. Yunho smirked, shocked he hadn’t actually passed out from such a quick transfer of blood. He had utterly lost himself in it. For the first time his world felt as though it had righted itself. Mingi’s calf brushed against his own and as familiar as the action was, the vastness of new possibilities felt endless. Mingi was silently flirting with him. Yunho smirked, raising a brow as he shifted to slide his knee further along the inside of Mingi’s. There was a power to it, reciprocating with a set purpose instead of chasing the vaguely ‘right’ feeling Mingi had always supplied him with.

 

They ate plentifully, the food was as good as the energy was easy. Actually, Yunho was almost amazed at how jarringly normal it felt. Like he didn’t know how Mingi’s mouth tasted or how soft the back of his throat could sound with the right motivation. As if nothing between them had changed even though everything was different. A new realization came on hard and fast. Besides the fact Yunho couldn’t step away from feeling like an idiot, maybe this ease had been inevitable. All this time they had already been in love while living through the mundane moments. That the only thing that was truly different didn't really change much besides the extra beat of his heart and the explicit understanding of why Mingi flushed every time he got caught looking. It was a comfort that gave them more time to talk, to catch up and reconnect even in a new way that felt so unique. 

 

“You know, in the long run it was kind of boring,” Mingi shrugged at one point. “Like don't get me wrong, it was a wonderful experience and I am so beyond proud of how it turned out. But it wasn't like I was exploring the city all that much, we went to a few tourist spots but other than that I just kinda hung out with Jongho in the backyard with whatever free time we had,” Yunho hummed, sponging at every word, trying to form the clearest understanding of their surroundings he possibly could have. “There was a hammock out there that we constantly fought over,” Mingi snorted, grinning sideways as he scoffed fondly. “Was probably good the neighbors and studio staff couldn’t speak Korean with the sheer force we were constantly cussing each other out with. Seriously, I left feeling like I had a younger brother more than a translator. I wanna wring his neck just thinking about it,” Yunho watched him sarcastically shiver as he reached for the jug of water beside him, refilling both their cups as the memories continued to play out through his grin.

 

Unfortunately it really sucked to hear about the general loneliness that plagued him, even worse knowing he was a major part of why Mingi hadn't reached out as frequently as they both might have wanted. As good as the pressure of work was at occupying his thoughts, it didn't replace the hole of your missing other half. Especially when your other half was a stupid and as brain dead as Yunho. It was getting harder and harder to compartmentalize Mingi’s pain, each point overshadowing what he‘d struggled with tenfold. He felt himself interrupting for the twentieth time. 

 

“I don't know how many more times I will apologize to you for all this Min, but I think it will probably be until the day I die,” Mingi quirked the corner of his mouth, lifting his chopsticks back to his lips instead of stopping him. “You weren’t alone in that suffering while you were gone,” his admittance felt like a boulder falling from his tongue, slamming to the table before rolling over their meal and crushing Mingi’s chest. His lips frown even as the inner bridge of his eyebrows turned up, a sadness laced in the way he bit the corner of his lip. “Not in a ‘feel bad for me’ way!” He raised his hands, physically searching for a way to make Mingi look less gutted. To clarify quickly, hating to make any of this about himself but not knowing how to fully express everything without it. “In a like ‘wow idiots don't deserve human rights’ kinda way,” Mingi snorted, features relaxing just enough to shake his head, reprimanding him even through a deeply understanding grin. “I know I have a lot of explaining to do, I mean I figured out so much about myself while you were gone. Truly,” his voice pleaded for him to understand, to give him a chance to say it all. 

 

“I'll always listen Yu, you know that,” Yunho wanted to sob, ardently basking in the gracious light of the other. Ignoring their surroundings, the other tables going about their meals and the sound of wait staff welcoming new patrons to sink into the unchecked kindness of Mingi’s love. “And I want to know, I feel like in some capacity I’m owed that understanding,” Yunho nodded immediately, Mingi’s sheepishness was bitterly evident, that he wasn’t comfortable making demands but knew he was in the right for asking. If it were any other time Yunho might have scoffed, wipe away his insecurity with reassurance like it was nothing. But this was not a moment he could relax into complacency. Did he still seriously not realize Yunho would give him anything? 

 

“Anything,” he reached to brush over the other’s hand, the warmth of his palm trying to extend where his words could not. “I’ll tell you. I think I know where I want to start but seriously Min, you just have to ask,” he held eye contact with every ounce of ferocity he could muster, weighing him down until he silently nodded for him to go on. “Well, for starters I’m really glad Hwa called me out when he did. I needed that kick in the ass, I just didn't know what to do after. I was stewing on myself trying to figure everything out on my own even before you left,” Mingi looked confused, like what he was saying already made his head spin. 

 

“Before?” Yunho could only nod, mesmerized by the shocked relief teetering over the seam of Mingi’s mouth. His lips silently repeated the word back, mindlessly dropping his chopsticks to the table as his free hand started to tremble.

 

“I- ah. Well, yeah. Before,” Mingi didn’t respond with his words, didn't really get a chance with the way Yunho plowed right through, afraid to stop. “While you were gone I pretty much listened to your music on repeat from the moment I woke up until the second I could finally find sleep. I missed you so much that I was desperately searching for closeness anywhere I could find it. I didn't want to call you incessantly because I knew you were working. I also got the jist that you didn't really want to hear from me without getting to be the one in control of the situation. Which is totally fine, I just needed to figure out how to curb myself and stay respectful,” he reached to take a sip of water. It was cool hitting the back of his throat, slowly trickling down over the lump he needed to dissolve. He didn’t like the way his voice was already wavering, attempting to huff out a dry laugh instead. “I’ve been selfish enough with you to cover our next twelve life times,” it was a sheepish thing to admit, the way his mind had silently claimed Mingi without doing so physically. He just couldn’t help it. 

 

“But I like when you're selfish with me,” Mingi mused, far more confident than Yunho could have anticipated with how antsily his body kept shifting in front of him. His eyelids drooped so minimally that anyone but Yunho wouldn’t have noticed, a silent whistle of something sharper. He leaned just a little further over the table, flipping the hand under Yunho's so his fingers could lightly wrap around his wrist. 

 

“Really?” He gulped cartoonishly, any and all prowess he possessed fleeing the scene as Mingi’s thumb ducked under his sleeve, tracing the vein dancing along the tender underside of his forearm. His eyes rounded out, watching as Mingi's tongue poked the inside of his cheek, nodding slowly. 

 

“Yeah it's hot,” he shrugged, as if it was just that simple. “But that probably just stems from my all time favorite toxic thought, I'm pretty sure you’ve never acted that way with anyone but me,” he continued, finally showing off that bit of bashfulness Yunho had expected from the beginning. "Allowed myself to think I might be more special than all the girls you dated,” Yunho snorted. Snorted hard. It was funny that he could ever doubt that as being anything but the divine truth. Obviously it was old news that Yunho hadn’t been doing the best job of putting things in action. Yet the concrete fact that he would without fail drop any and everything for Mingi had been clear to every one of his past girlfriends. He snorted again, pulling their hands closer to his side of the table. 

 

“You shouldn't have ever had to doubt that. Shamefully I think I only ever liked maybe three of those girls back?” He let Mingi’s small scowl go unacknowledged. “But after I spent some time reflecting on it, even those three I just liked as people, nothing more. What you said in your letter was right, well pretty much all of it was right, but maybe it was because they were never my friends. In the end friendship was pretty much the only thing I was able to give them, if they were even that lucky,” nonplused, Yunho shrugged, only then catching himself staring intently at their joined hands. 

 

“Yeah but you still slept with all of them,” Mingi chided, his furrowed petulance slipping out a little too far to hide even a single ounce of that roaring jealousy. It was just another new treat, Mingi had never quite shown this to him. As much as he would forever hold guilt for making him feel so hopeless in the first place, he couldn’t help but coat himself in that rumbling possessiveness. The prehistoric notion that there could ever be someone Mingi might be jealous of was a frightfully dangerous high. One he very much planned to get hooked on. Yunho couldn't help but smile, pausing to bask in Mingi’s boiling frown. The longer Yunho went without speaking, the hotter his cheeks grew, edging his ego until the younger was whining and drawing in on himself. Yunho purposely avoided giving him the satisfaction of any verbal confirmation, both his eyebrows jumping once as he leaned a bit further across the table. 

 

“But my point was,” his voice rumbled deeply, alive with the thrill of knowing his teasing could now be more than just that. Then his own words registered, his point. Yunho sat back to a more polite distance, lessening the heat behind his eyes so Mingi might be able to relax enough to hear. In hindsight, it was probably good they were doing this in public seeing that they were already getting so derailed. It set the chances of them actually talking through the bulk of it in one sitting much higher than if they’d gone about it in their room. That spiked his pulse, trying and struggling to think of anything other than Mingi’s wet mouth. “My point was that just knowing you had your hands on it brought this sense of comfort,” he squinted, blinking as it came crashing back, the sorrow and uncertainty that had been swirling through his mind at any waking second. He had been so lost, grasping at straws even before Mingi sent his letter, never knowing what to do with himself. “There was a weird kinda closeness in it, was never able to actually scratch the itch but it made things just a little easier.”

 

“Well I'm glad it could give you something, I-“ he cut himself off with a disbelieving sigh, sheepishly biting down on his lip before letting the muscle slide itself back out. “I kept listening to your old voicemails,” Yunho felt himself get choked up, trying to consume as much of the private gift that knowledge truly was. “Stooopp staring,” he whined after another long beat of Yunho truly feeling mesmerized. 

 

“I’m sorry that I’m so awestruck by you Princess. Unfortunately I do think you’ll just have to get used to it,” he felt so powerful, being able to melt Mingi down to the bone like this while simultaneously knowing exactly what made it happen. Somehow their bond had already shifted to levels far higher than he’d always blocked them from reaching. There was so much more for him to learn, yet even more left to say. “But on the other hand- Min all your music is so yearning, almost desperate to be seen and reciprocated that it fucking aches to listen to. But then on some of them, the beats would be so happy and in love that I would get whiplash from the jarring melancholy of the lyrics. You’re so talented Min, like I genuinely can't express the way your music makes me feel. But at the same time, I couldn't quite shake what San said about it,” he let the words sit. As much as he'd ruminated, he wasn’t quite sure he was ready for an answer either way. Mingi waited for him to finish, face remaining kind even as he forced Yunho to be the one to actually say it. “Mingi, was it all… um-”

 

“All about you?” Mingi had the grace to finish, probably sensing he was starting to sweat just from hinting at the topic. Slowly, Yunho nodded. The movement was shaky, knowing what he should probably expect but genuinely wanting to be wrong. “Yeah,” he whispered, a soft smile encouraging his shoulders to bashfully curve in at the edges. The gentle passiveness stunned Yunho to say the least. Even behind the walls of his heart and the perpetual sickness Yunho had caused him, there was that same pride Mingi always carried for his music shining through the cracks. His easy smile was relieving to see not followed by any lack of regret. It was simple acceptance, like there was not a single thing wrong about it. “Every single song.”

 

“Oh,” his voice clipped, swallowing hard as the looming guilt he anticipated sliced at his skin. He had to fight to keep his head above water, eyes stinging as his unhelpful mind recited every lyric by heart. “Oh, Mingi,” Yunho didn’t understand how he was still smiling, could he not see Yunho’s faults through the same lens? “I’m so sorry I put you through that I-”

 

“I wouldn’t be where I am now without you,” Mingi’s light voice jumped in front of his groveling. The older's returned scoff was knee jerk, how could he see any of this as okay? “Yunho really, you don’t need to apologize,” he squeezed his hand, tilting his head and shoulders to crouch back into the line of his downcast sight. Yunho gave in, grumbling as he regrouped the courage to look. “Yeah, a future genre change might be in order, minus all the mopey ass bullshit I wrote while I was away. But that's not a bad thing, it’s always good to expand your portfolio,” his voice rang out playfully, like he was teasing him over all the pain and suffering Yunho'd forced to endure. 

 

Yunho blinked, looking at him like he was dumb, or maybe he was the idiot. Did Mingi really love him that much? To forgive him without any true penance in return. Well… maybe. Yunho surely loved him that much. His brain was trying so hard to keep up, to process everything new on top of keeping the contents of his letter organized enough not to be forgotten. He took another second, breathing fully before forcing himself to internalize it, that it was okay to Mingi. So eventually it would have to feel okay to him as well.  

 

“Um, thank you,” he croaked, truly meaning it even as his eyes felt too heavy to keep open. Mingi squeezed his hand again, smile never failing as Yunho nodded through a labored breath. “And about your letter, there is so much I need to say to you," Mingi gently mouthed 'okay' nodding his head patiently as Yunho tried to find his footing. "One, I have to start by saying yes, I completely recognize I was being weird the few weeks before you left,” there was a sense of relief in releasing those words, one that looked quite similar to Mingi’s in hearing them. “On the night you met my friends, well, that next morning was when Seonghwa confronted me about you. Genuinely my whole world shifted in that moment,” he smiled, even as horrible and confusing as it had been, he was glad. Especially sitting inside the security of his best case scenario, that was in fact far more than worth all the shit he’d put his heart through since. “It was a mind fuck honestly, to be told point blank about my feelings without being able to recognize or articulate that what I’ve always felt for you was more than friendship. It was impossible for me to disagree once Seonghwa really laid into me. But accepting it enough to do something… I just wasn't ready,” he was sure his face looked as ashamed as his tone sounded, but it was true. Even if he couldn’t have accepted it then, he knew there was no way in hell he could live without Mingi, his own stubborn foolishness be damned. “Normally you would be the person I’d go to if I need to talk out something of this magnitude, but I was so scared and confused that I couldn't bring myself to seek that from you. How was I supposed to lean on you about this when my uncertainty had already been impacting your happiness for years without realizing? I just couldn’t put you in that position and because of it I made everything feel off between us. I need to apologize for pulling myself away. Well I need to apologize for a thousand things but let’s just start there,” Mingi didn’t say anything and Yunho tried not to let it worry him, he just looked so overwhelmed. Yunho interlaced their fingers, lifting his hand to place a lingering kiss along his knuckles. “Can I keep going?”

 

“Mhm,” he mumbled slowly, watching as Yunho's lips came in contact with his skin. “Yeah. Please do,” Yunho nodded, giving them both another moment to breath by letting his mouth continue to loiter.

 

“Honestly Mingi, what your letter said about the night you met San and Seonghwa was right. I did almost kiss you,” Yunho’s gaze wandered to Mingi’s lips, not consciously realizing until the side of them smirked enough to flash a crooked tooth. Yunho cleared his throat, eyes shooting back up as Mingi openly laughed at him. “Even if I was dumb enough not to realize it at the time,” he rushed out, diverging his gaze as yet another wave of remorse weighed over his body. “I should have been able to figure it out on my end just from the way I couldn't stop thinking about how your bod- ha,” he coughed again, the noise disbelieving as he cut himself off. “What I mean to say is that touching you so closely like that, it was nothing I’d ever experienced. How you let yourself mold to me, the fact that our heights fit so perfectly together. You smell so much like home to me and were so close that it literally fogged my brain,” Mingi was blushing something serious, taking a quick glance around to make sure no one was listening as he squirmed in his seat. “Even just earlier, like Mingi..” he scoffed through a cheeky smirk, this time unashamed as he glanced down to the other’s lips. His chest leaned a bit closer, like his entire being was attracted to him by magnets. “Kissing has never felt like that to me before, not to inflate your possessiveness any more,” Mingi whined, a hair too similar to the one he’d let out at the interruption of Yunho's phone alarm. It was a dangerous distinction to be able to make, growing deeply curious of if he had ever heard it before without realizing. For the time being he forced himself to set the knowledge aside knowing just how consuming that hunt would be. “That was the best kiss I've ever had. The only one that has ever come close to making me want-” he snapped his mouth closed before any more of that nonsense could escape. “It made my skin tingle, made my whole body react to you and that feels new. That feeling is very much exclusive to you.”

 

“God damn it Yunho,” Mingi groaned, free hand flying to rub over his eyes. He shook his head, face still covered only to snort, lifting himself up with a steep inhale. “Don't say those things to me in public,” he leveled him with what Yunho assumed was supposed to be a nasty glare. He was only able to catch the tail end of his giggle, not nearly quick enough to shove the mischievous sound back into his gut. He nodded, relenting with his hand raised beside him.

 

“It’s just… that night I got so lost in you Princess. I hated that I couldn't place why you seemed so upset as you left. Like I stayed awake restless for hours after the other two fell asleep trying and clearly failing to work it out. I wish I could have realized right away why what I was doing made you so upset, I'll never be able to forget the way you looked as you walked away from my door. That I was capable of saying or doing anything that could make you want to cry. God not even just that, I was so out of pocket the whole night. I can’t read most people very well, as you know.”

 

“No shit,” Mingi wheezed, laughing truly straight into his face. It was Yunho’s turn to pout. Doing the most to weaponize his eyes, making them as wide and pitiful as he possibly could.

 

“Be nice to me,” he scowled just as petulantly at Mingi’s returned spoiled hum. The younger shrugged his shoulders, picking up his chopsticks to shove another bite of their meal into his mouth. He raised his brow as Yunho watched silently, almost snorting food through his nose at the light kick Yunho landed against his shin.

 

“Okay!” He set his utensils down to take a slow deliberate drink of water. “I’ll be nice you baby,” even after he relented, Yunho waited another second to scan him skeptically, like he didn't fully trust the other wouldn't continue teasing him. When he didn’t, Yunho let himself relax.

 

“As hard as I try, I still struggle even with you. But I know your distress Minnie. I've never been better at anything than I am at recognizing when you are uncomfortable. As far as I can remember, that night might have been the first time I was ever directly to blame for it. Not to mention even earlier in the night when I couldn't stop myself from stepping on your toes. Yet you were able to forgive me without even getting a verbal apology,” it looked hard for Mingi to hear, forced to relive it all over again with each moment Yunho brought back up. But he was being so strong for Yunho. Knowing exactly how hard it was to deal with these feelings for the first time alone.

 

“I'm not kidding when I say Seonghwa really let me have it the next day,” he shivered only half for show as his brain called back to each jab the other rightfully landed. “And even after that, realizing he was dead right and that I was undeniably in love with you,” Mingi’s breath hitched, shocked to hear him say it again so brazenly. Like the increasing sincerity was more powerful than what he’d ever predicted. Hell, if he needed the constant reminder Yunho was sure they could work something out. Especially when just the simple act of speaking the words out loud had his heart fluttering just as rapidly. “I still had a lot of hurdles to get over internally and it made me worry. I was terrified that I'd never be enough for you and worse that I wouldn't be able to let you go even if it would have been what's best. I was selfish with you even before I learned what romantic love could feel like,” Mingi gaped, like that fact came as the brightest shock in the world. 

 

“You’ve never been in love before?” His brows furrowed, warning him not to lie even when they both knew Yunho would never even try.

 

“No, you're the first and only Min. Just another thing you can call your own,” Mingi’s eyes shook, taking long blinks fighting to wrap his head around it. Yunho noticed just by the harsh clench of his jaw that Mingi was struggling to grasp he could ever call something like that his own. 

 

“But,” Yunho shook his head. 

 

“No butts, just you Mingi. After everything I’ve done, all the ways I’ve hurt you, I just need you to let me prove it, okay?” Mingi’s lip wobbled as they pursed, nodding along silently as his torso locked up. He wasn't taking deep enough breaths, Yunho knew he was getting to a boiling point with the amount of ups and downs their conversation had taken but he wouldn't be able to sit with himself if he left the rest unsaid. “I’m also sorry for how I acted when I dropped you off at the airport. We both know I almost kissed you again and honestly, I should probably be shot for doing that before telling you how I really felt. I made you hurt that much more just because I wasn't ready to say it out loud. But I knew, deep in my core, I already knew,” his own breath started to slip away from him, the regret he felt was like lead tied to his feet as he took a deep inhale through his nose. He hated hearing the mortified shame in his own voice. “God Mingi I was such a fucking coward begging you to stay but not giving you a reason to. I can't even imagine what I made you feel by wanting you so desperately all this time while simultaneously disregarding all the glaring signs of our relationship already being more. More intimate than anything I have ever felt before.” 

 

“Ah,” Mingi sighed, reaching for a playful inflection. Once again shifting away from as much as he could. The tension broiling below his skin more palpable to Yunho than his own heart beat. The younger sighed truthfully, tone more appropriate as his next breath came up on a hitch. He cleaned it out of his throat, silently pleading for another moment to gather his scattered thoughts. “Well, I won't lie, it really hurt me. Like in ways I don't even know how to verbalize,” Yunho tried not to crumble, fixing his attention solely on Mingi’s words, listening with everything he had. “It was worse at the beginning of the trip, I genuinely sobbed the entire fourteen hour flight,” it hurt to know he was right, hurt to know he had done that but his kind tone hurt the worst. “You know that silent cry, the one that physically hurts the barrel of your chest?” Yunho nodded silently, thankfully being grounded by the squeeze of Mingi’s fingers. Mindful that other wise he would have already vanished within himself. 

 

“Yes, trust me I’m newly very well acquainted,” he let the sarcasm flow towards Mingi. Reaching low enough to gab at Seonghwa’s words once again. Even through this pain, it was such a good thing. Once they made it, only good things would come. Mingi snorted a bit, pursing his lips to hide a small smirk

 

“After the first week Jongho literally said ‘dude, you need to lock the fuck in,” Mingi chuckled freely, misting Yunho with more of his ease. “He was so sick of me,” Yunho decided he would have to send him some sort of thank you gift, for keeping Mingi sane and giving him something to laugh about now. It was vital to him. “But by month three everything had dulled enough not to feel so sharp. Still sucked a lot but I wasn't crying anymore. By the time we reached month four I got to the point where telling you didn’t feel like it was something that would kill me. I had finally hit the wall of acceptance everyone around me had been begging for. Deep down I knew it wasn’t possible for me to keep living in the limbo of not knowing what I was. I’ve spent so much of my life dedicated to loving you and it has been both the best and most painful experience I’ve ever had,” Mingi’s thumb swept over Yunho’s palm, turning his hand up to trace along the permanent lines. “I still had so many doubts, some more practical than the others but the fear I couldn’t shake most was that you might never be gay, that your religion would be a stronger tether than any knot I tried tying to you. But I knew there had to be at least something that was begging to get out or else there was so much you would've never have done to me,” Yunho felt himself nodding along, as always Mingi’s mind ran deep. His staunch train of thought historically always carving logic and reason within its tracks. Yunho knew just how much time he’d put in to finding these words, to have them so distinctly on hand and ready to share. “Really that’s all I was banking on. That just maybe you’d give it a chance.”

 

“Thank you. For doing that,” Yunho’s voice croaked. “For giving me so much of yourself for so damn long,” he felt the wall pooling up his well of emotions for Mingi creak, a crack splintering down the center in threat of a burst. He lifted Mingi’s hand again, kissing his palm before pulling it to rest over his cheek. “I’ve always loved you without thinking, just knowing subconsciously that I needed you. That I feared you leaving my side most of all. But I was careless and a coward. I don’t want to be that way anymore Mingi,” the fingers along his face pressed in a little deeper as Yunho shifted his neck to place a kiss along the inside of Mingi’s wrist. “You deserve for me to be active in this, not passive. I don't ever want to make you feel like I'm doing things only because they feel right in the moment again. I want you to know without a shadow of a doubt that what I'm doing is because I love you,” Yunho nodded, answering Mingi’s probably countless rebuttals of how it must not be true. He shushed him, the sound stroking along his own frayed edges. “I’m in love with you Mingi and am going to do everything I can to make you happy. It’s only because you have been so gracious and so patient with me that I get to learn. Now I know exactly why I’ve always acted like you are the most precious thing in the world and I'll never be willful about the reason ever again. I promise,” he whispered through the final confession, watching as Mingi’s shoulders silently shook. 

 

Maybe it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when a tear fell down the bridge of Mingi’s nose. He sniffed loudly before squeezing his eyes shut, forcing out what had yet to fall. “Oh, Princess,” Yunho cooed, not exactly knowing what to do next. 

 

“Ugh,” the indignant grunt was a silent relief to Yunho, falling into the comfort of its familiarity. He took a breath, letting himself appreciate the enticing look of tears wetting his lashes instead of fearing them. “Fuck you, Yunho,” Mingi whined, an all consuming smile transforming his face even as another round of sniffling tears dropped to the table. “I love you too,” he got Mingi’s reaction now, the simple words so genuinely overwhelming to hear coming from his mouth. Mingi’s hand dragged around to the nape of Yunho’s neck, a single firm squeeze enough to have his body buzzing. “Can we go back to the room now?” 

 

Yunho was positive he had never been quicker to pay for a meal in his life. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

They were all giggles racing each other back down the gravel path towards the Inn, only slowing their pace as they passed the welcoming staff to bow politely before speed walking down the long hall to their room. Yunho’s fingers were shaking as they struggled to slot the metal key into their door, maybe for the first time cursing the independence of their lodging accommodations for not having an electric lock. It was particularly hard to focus when all he could feel was the brisk coolness of Mingi’s fingertips sneaking under the back of his shirt. 

 

He practically fell through the door as it opened, only staying upright thanks to the strong hand wrapped around his waist. Yet once the door closed it was like all urgency had been left in the hallway, their eyes locked on one another, burning in a way that mirrored nothing the other had ever seen. 

 

Yunho stepped forward, and then again as Mingi moved in turn to rest his back against the wall. The moon and dim light they’d left on was all that illuminated the space between them, the two cast in shadows as Mingi reached out and grabbed the stitch of his sweater. He went easily, Mingi barely having to tug in order for Yunho to fall forward, his lips warm as they pressed against him. It felt like the first time all over, he begged whatever power was listening to let this feeling last forever. As rushed as they were to get back, their movements now were slow and calculated. The haste to speed through things nonexistent in the shadow of memorizing the inside of each other’s mouths. 

 

It didn't take long for Yunho to lose his breath, making a rather pitiful noise as Mingi threaded fingers through his hair, giving the slightest tug. Mingi snorted, doing it again just to tease. “Shut up,” Yunho mumbled against his mouth, teeth coming sharply down on Mingi’s bottom lip in retaliation. 

 

The choked gasp Mingi untethered froze Yunho in his tracks, he liked that. He liked it a lot. Greedy, he did it again and to his joy it granted an even more wanton hiss. Yunho needed that in his veins, he needed more of Mingi or he might actually die. Just like that, their lust started building at an unattainable speed. Yunho's head felt like it was floating and highly doubted it had anything to do with his lack of oxygen. Mingi’s presence filled his every thought, letting him walk along clouds as he pushed even closer.

 

Mingi lost his breath as a curious hand found his hip. He flexed over the bone, slowly dragging back to see just how much he could cover of his tiny waist. The younger’s head fell back making him groan, the noise far less to do with the bonk his skull took and more to do with the tips of Yunho’s fingers dipping under the band of his pants, pressing over his lower spine. Yunho tilted his chin up, looking down his nose at Mingi’s shuttering body, buzzing with the thrill that this man was truly everything he had ever imagined. A spike of power shot through his chest, free hand grabbing ahold of Mingi’s jaw. He pressed his thumb down on the corner of Mingi's mouth, slowly dragging its way over his raw puffy lips. The younger’s chest shuttered as the flesh snapped back into place, still shining with the marker of his spit. He was quick to shift his head, tongue extending to lick the pad of his finger before sucking it into his mouth. The roll of Mingi’s tongue circling him was world shattering, the flesh soft as it was determined. He shifted forward on his own accord to let it reach just a bit deeper into his mouth, watching closely as Yunho's brows drew in. 

 

His lips fell open as Yunho pressed down on the muscle, shifting the rest of his hand to grasp under his chin and holding him in place by the jaw. Mingi stayed pliant as Yunho explored, measuring the plush interior elasticity of his cheek, thumb testing the give it could manage until the younger whined. Yunho traced over the line of his teeth, rubbing the crook at the front of his mouth, absentmindedly licking his own lips as he memorized the groves. 

 

He shifted to press his chest against the others, tilting to hover over his ear. A shiver ran up Mingi’s spine as a husky breath ghosted over his neck, teasing with the absence of touch. He hummed feeling Mingi’s chest heave, mentally celebrating a job well done as he pulled back to tilt his chin further up, making sure his eyes were focused on only him. “I love this mouth,” he whispered, lips pressing against them to speak over where he held full control of his face.

 

Pulling back just a hair he saw something unfold before him. A flash sparking through Mingi’s eyes, the doe-like roundness forcibly popped by the sharp slant of a demeaning predator. Like a demon possessed him, Mingi bit down on Yunho’s finger, pushing off the wall like the older weighed nothing. He gasped at the force, never having been manhandled before in his life. He felt his cock flood with warmth, pulsing as Mingi continued to walk him backwards fully under his grasp. It didn't take long before his knees were toppling him backwards over the edge of the mattress, Mingi following behind as he practically tossed Yunho further up the bed. He didn't know when Mingi had gotten so strong or if he’d always been like this below the surface, but the flex of his shoulders and pulse of his neck made Yunho feel faint, completely feverish. 

 

Mingi corralled him, hovering over his body to slot a leg between Yunho's thighs, leaning down to press his entire weight over his groin. Yunho practically sobbed at the feeling, it was so new, so intoxicating to not be the only person holding the strength to overpower their partner. All those hours daydreaming about how well they would fit together came to fruition in an instant as Mingi recaptured his lips, eating a squeak as he rolled his hips against Yunho’s pelvis. Yunho felt like he was about to choke on his own tongue as Mingi’s hands strongly grabbed his waist, using it for leverage to once again push their bodies together. 

 

Up until that point he had never felt another person’s erection before. Obviously he had thought about it, tried independently to suss out if it was something he could get off on. He had been worried it might feel a touch too foreign to take pleasure from immediately, but with the familiarity of Mingi’s raspy throat, smell and weight of his body it actually felt almost too familiar. He loved it, craving more as he shifted his own hips up ever so slightly to meet Mingi’s next grind. Unexpected to them both, his added movement slotted their cocks together. Mingi’s soul practically left his body, the elbow pressed on the mattress failing to keep him stable as he wobbled, gasping pitifully as Yunho took the liberty to reciprocate again.

 

Yunho couldn't take it anymore, desperate to feel more, to touch every part Mingi would let him. With surprising ease he rolled Mingi’s now pliant body over to mirror their previous position. Yunho thrust along Mingi’s body just to watch his eyes flutter. Mingi huffed, the sound mocking a beautiful whine as he tried to cover his face, as if he could ever be embarrassed by the attention. 

 

“No way,” Yunho snorted, grabbing his hands to pin them by the sides of his head. Without a fight Mingi practically fused with the mattress, body going slack to the touch. He nodded, bashful as he bit down on his lip to keep in a whimper. “That too,” he glanced towards the flesh clenched between his pretty teeth. “I need to hear you or I'm going to explode,” that made Mingi giggle, Yunho’s aching need not reflecting even an ounce of shame, only serving to blanket them in the honest truth.

 

He released one of Mingi’s hands, fascinated by the pride he felt as it stayed in place. Humming in approval Mingi preened, body jittery as Yunho ran his fingers down the length of his neck, tracing over his collar bone, down his chest to press his palm heavy over Mingi’s navel. He felt the muscles flutter below him, like they were calling out for him to go further. 

 

“Off,” Mingi muttered, for a split second Yunho worried he meant him, preparing to jump away just as the younger's free hand fell to tug at the hem of his shirt. Yunho praised the lord, quickly nodding as he reached to help pull it over Mingi’s head. There was a solid moment of shock taking in his bare chest. Vision gliding over the smooth dip between his pecs, strong stomach still encased by a soft layer of flesh, eyes flickering to map out all the beauty marks he’d never known existed. But most of all, he adjusted to the shock that came along with all the ink he had apparently been hiding for god knows how long. 

 

“You have more tattoos,” Yunho dumbly whispered to himself, not recognizing how Mingi's blush was trailing down his chest as he continued to outright stare. Of course there were the ones he’d known for years. The birds eye view, simple outline of his first soundboard on the inside of his bicep. A small back cartoonish cat right above his elbow that he’d gotten for Wooyoung’s birthday. That being the only one to add color on his skin with the red line of its thin collar. He had a small heart on the underside of his lower middle finger and a hare for good luck over his calf. It was almost overwhelming to see everything that removing a simple shirt could reveal.

 

“Yeah,” he answered breathlessly, watching Yunho closely as he jumped from line to line. He had noticed a small spike of black poking out the collar of his shirt earlier but he hadn't thought to expect an intricately wrapped vine of sharp thorns to be crawling up from his armpit to the cap of his shoulder, dipping to drag behind his back and branch along the front of his chest then thinning out to more delicately decorate his collar bone. His fingers traced gently over each line, in his own world as they drifted on to the next. He smirked at the small uzumaki spiral resting at the bottom of his sternum. Yunho pressed his thumb down over it, prodding a huff out of Mingi’s chest. He glanced up once, only a touch sheepish over the mindless touches even as he continued his own pursuit. 

 

Yunho leaned down to kiss his temple, the bridge of his nose then mouth. His lips traveled down his jaw and neck, trying his best to intermittently keep Mingi’s lazy gaze as he nibbled over the vine, lips ghosting over each thorn until they disappeared out of his reach. Continuing his inspection, Yunho experimentally pressed the flat of his tongue to Mingi’s nipple. He was utterly delighted by the upward jump of his hips. He hummed curiously, glancing up to see Mingi’s mouth fall open with a surprised huff. Yunho wrapped his lips around it, pooling spit in his mouth before sucking. It elicited a downright filthy gritted moan, vibrating from deep in his chest. Whatever blood he had still trying to keep his brain functioning flooded down to his groin, free hand dropping to roll the other in a firm circle. Mingi’s body shook, his voice shivering as Yunho took his time unraveling his chest.  

 

By the time Yunho was shifting his knees back to give himself enough space to bend down and place another kiss over the swirl, Mingi was practically putty against the sheets. This side of him was so beautiful, vulnerable to Yunho’s motions and accepting of every new experience the elder desired to take. The exorbitant pleasure he was receiving from simply touching the other was a real shock, finally allowing his body to have free rein. To tuck his perpetual worry away for the time being in order to absorb Mingi without self imposed limitations. It was almost magical the way he could drop every part of his mind for Mingi, letting him seep into his DNA as the younger’s breath grew shallower with each kiss further down his torso. 

 

Forcing away the fear, he finally scanned Mingi’s lower half. Breathing deeply he basked in the moment. The outline of Mingi’s hardness, hardness he had caused, pressed up helplessly against his sweat pants. It was erotic, of course it was, but the emotion behind it felt overwhelming. That Mingi would give over this level of vulnerability, to not shy away from his naive exploration or rush him through to his next action. Yunho's hand came to rest beside his erection, still not ready to touch even as Mingi whined. The same hint of black lettering that had once teased him physically and continued to float intermittently to the front of his mind a the most inappropriate of times was once again half hidden. He ran a shaky finger over the band of Mingi’s underwear, too engrossed for his own good as he tugged at the fabric. 

 

The noise that escaped him bordered somewhere between a scoff and strained heave. Over his right hip bone laid the bold letters of ‘PRINCESS', he shook his head almost unbelieving. Tracing his thumb back and forth, rubbing just to make sure it wouldn't come off. His fingers continued just above the lip of his pants, tugging at the other side to see the same script spelling out ‘LOSER'. He felt like folding in on himself, knowing these had been there even before they had graduated college, he wished he’d known sooner. What he might have done about that knowledge wasn’t something he could think about as he dropped down, biting over the letters to admonish the word 'Loser'. He laved over the spot after he was done, saliva soothing it like a dog before reversely kissing lightly over each letter of ‘Princess’ with shaky breath. He was so unbelievably affected, struggling to keep himself from rutting against the mattress as his lips met to rest in the middle of his tummy, breathing deeply over the happy trail leading to his navel.

 

They both rested there, struggling to catch their breath while still so unbelievably hard and wanting. “Did I miss any?” Yunho exhaled, his breathy voice perfectly displaying the level Mingi had him under his control. He nodded, silently smirking without saying a word. So Yunho went searching, propping himself back up to scan every inch of his body. With a sheepish nod Mingi agreed to Yunho’s silent question, letting him pull off his pants to check his legs. But even then, it showed no tattoo he had yet to see.

 

Grumbling Yunho scanned him again and again until he saw it. The letters and shape so delicate that the slate gray almost remained hidden under his arm, laying over his ribcage. Yunho gasped in shock, staring frozen before glancing back to Mingi. The younger had his lip tightly clamped between his teeth, with the center of his brows quirked up as he waited nervously for a reaction. Yunho almost fell through the floor, truly shaking as he moved closer to really take it in. In a small circle the words ‘to be seen is to be loved’ encased a picture perfect rendition of the charm still strung around his neck. He felt a sentimental tightness grip the back of his windpipe, eyes shaking as they met Mingi’s once again.

 

“That’s..” he trailed off, thumb rubbing over it again just to make sure.

 

“Yeah,” he breathed softly, the sheer force of his vulnerability almost searing. A tender smog wrapped around Yunho’s head, fogging out everything but the beacon of light radiating towards him through Mingi’s blush. “We can talk about it later, Yun,” he nodded immediately, recognizing the clear attempt Mingi was making to keep his anxiety hidden. Like Yunho could ever be self hating enough to reject him now that he was finally at this distance.

 

“Of course, Princess,” he eased himself down, kissing over the lines, absorbing the devotion left there for only him to discover. With a deep centering breath he shifted to the side, attaching his mouth to lay a bright mark right beside the ink, feeling content to see his own identifying brand sitting beside his immortalized love. Smiling widely he crawled back up Mingi’s body, nudging their noses together before kissing him hard. A deep whine poured from Mingi as their groins met, a renewed friction bubbling into his gut.

 

It was still hard to believe they were here, that they both wanted this and would never be without it again. He tried to breathe evenly as his hand shook, reaching down to finally, bravely, rest over Mingi’s cock. He just about exploded, hips immediately stuttering up for more as his fingers flexed. Yunho suddenly couldn't move his hand, letting Mingi do what he wanted as amazed shock took control. 

 

Of course Mingi noticed, even through the haze of his lust his brows pinched together, worried and assuming the worst. “Are you really sure this is something you want?” Forever kind, Mingi grabbed his wrist. Still, the whispered hopelessness Yunho heard was as devastating as it was unnecessary. He wouldn't allow it, instantly jumping to act. 

 

“What!” He squawked, unintentionally pressing his hand down harder in his haste, almost distracted by Mingi’s resounding gasp. “Mingi I have never wanted someone so consumingly in my life,” he rushed to explain. “Honestly it’s probably because I have been so consumed with wanting you for so long that no one else ever stood a chance,” his eyes went big, free hand running over Mingi’s face to do anything to erase any and all concern from his system. He intended on doing everything in his power to make this as positive of an experience as possible. If showing his ass and telling the utter truth no matter how bashful it made him would help, then he would shout it out for anyone to hear. “And if you need more reassurance, my body has literally never felt this before,” he nodded, along with his words, kissing the corner of Mingi’s mouth. “Every inch of me is tingling, I genuinely didn’t know a bit of over-the-clothes grinding could feel like this,” he huffed, grin flattening just a touch before leaning in to kiss him. Mingi's lips moved along just as gently, a smile thankfully back in place. Yunho sighed, trying to avoid self deprecation even while knowing there was just too much internalized shame for it to come out completely clear. “I’m just nervous,” he chuckled against his lips, sighing as the thought pushed off of his shoulders. It was freeing in a sense, to get at least one of the items on his long list of pent up feelings cleared away.

 

Mingi nodded, shifting to his elbows before bringing Yunho up to sit. “Okay, we will go at your pace Yuyu,” Yunho nodded, forever grateful for the beautiful creature in front of him. He couldn't really help that Mingi made him feel so helpless. It was honestly a bit pitiful that even while knowing they would take it at his speed, he would go along with any and everything Mingi wanted. He could feel the width of his eyes grow as Mingi’s slanted deeper, hotly scanning over his clothed body. “Can I take this off?” He asked so politely, tugging on the collar of his sweater. Yunho nodded pliantly, shifting to his knees and giving Mingi space to lift the bottom from his torso. 

 

In all the places that Mingi was supple, his body was slim. The younger still sucked in a breath, gaze locking onto his collarbone as they scanned down his sternum. Yunho felt the mussels of his stomach jump as Mingi passed a hand lightly over his skin, adjusting to mirror his position and kneel in front of him. The light touch of lips against his shoulder was painfully tender, dragging a scorching line across his skin as Mingi’s tongue dipped out to drag up the length of his neck. He lightly nipped below his jaw and in any other setting, Yunho probably would have been embarrassed by the jumping ‘ah’ that snuck itself out of his throat. But the feeling of Mingi’s hot mouth opening to lightly suck had his cock jumping with a severity he hadn’t realized was physically possible.

 

Pulling back to survey his work, Mingi grinned. The mark his teeth left behind flushed a small dark spot for the world to see. Yunho would wear it proudly, a tag that he realized matched the one still dangling from the younger’s neck. “I'll be right back,” Mingi leaned in, words ghosting over his lips before leaning in for them to tenderly connect. Yunho reached out, grasping his hip to keep him right where he was, absolutely hating the idea of him stepping even a foot off of the bed. “Shh, big baby,” Mingi scolded, grabbing his jaw tightly and nipping his jutted out bottom lip. 

 

It was a good enough distraction. The spark jolted him into stillness, frozen by the leftover sting vibrating through the dent left behind by his teeth. He ran his tongue over the spot trying to drink down the thrill as Mingi shuffled towards his bag. The expanse of his naked back was quite distracting, as built as he had been before it was decisively clear he had really been hitting the gym while he was gone. Got a good bit of sun as well, his honey gold skin glowing in the soft yellow light of the floor lamp illuminating that far corner of the room. Yunho shuffled to the edge of the bed, throwing his legs off the side and spreading his knees. He couldn't remember the last time slacks had been so uncomfortably tight, his hardness pulsing repetitively along the zipper.

 

The little noise of success ringing from the back of Mingi’s throat made Yunho smile. The ability to humanize and desecrate any and all of his nerves without so much as being more than himself was a fascinating gift. When he turned back it was with a travel sized bottle in his hand, which made sense, gay sex was exactly what they were about to have. It wasn't rocket science to know lube would be pretty useful. Yunho couldn't help but wonder to himself if Mingi already had that hiding in his bag or if he’d put it in there while rearranging in the car. It was curious, made him flush to think Mingi had been just as hopeful they would be able to work things out in order to lead them there. Yet, he decided actively to avoid the other aspect of that theory, why he might have had that lube on him before he knew Yunho would be surprising him at the airport. 

 

All those thoughts evaporated the second Mingi sauntered back, never breaking away from his eyes as he gracefully sank down to the floor. Yunho’s breath caught as Mingi laid his cheek against the inside of his thigh, settling more comfortably on his knees as a hand ran up the back of his calf to urge him a smidge closer to the edge of the bed. Yunho thought he was about to die as Mingi shifted further again, face lazily nuzzling against his groin as hot breath penetrated the fabric still keeping his dick in check. 

 

The ghost of his breath joined words, gaze lazily dragging up the length of his torso. “Is this your first time with a man?” Yunho couldn't help that he scoffed, fingers lazily threading their way through his faded pink hair. Yunho was happy for the opportunity to switch the way his brain saw things, it was no longer ‘wow Min is growing his hair out’ but now firmly processing the fact that it was just long enough to tug on. So he did and it was just as he hoped. Mingi’s lids fluttered, humming as they open again to be sharper, somehow laced even deeper with lewd intentions.

  

“Yes, of course Mingi. Obviously,” he huffed to himself at the question's ridiculousness. Mingi fought to nod against the tight grip in his hair, not getting far as it continued to pin his cheek against Yunho’s lap. Yet, Yunho was hit with thought, brows tightening a bit as he looked over Mingi’s flushed face. “You?” He hated the way Mingi snorted, like the question had been a joke. Realizing  quickly it hadn’t been, Mingi softened. The tinge of almost pitying sarcasm not fully shaken from the tilt of his lips as Yunho loosened his grip over the other’s movements. 

 

“No, Yunho,” he cooed, squeezing the side of his thigh. In his opinion, the shock he felt seemed rightful. Yunho pulled a little further back, reaching to take his jaw and tilt his chin up, needing the extra space to look down at him clearly. He couldn't help that he was a little confused, to say the least. Obviously, he knew there was a lot Mingi had kept from him over the years, things they would have plenty of time to catch up on together. But he would have thought this was something he’d have shared. He watched stilly as Mingi rose back to his feet, planting the palm that wasn't still clamped around his thigh to the top of the mattress, leaning forward to hover right above Yunho’s face. It made him feel small, petite under the looming shoulders of the built man in front of him. The look being directed at him wasn't exactly mean per say, but it was definitely teasing. 

 

“But you’ve never been in a relationship before,” he countered dumbly, the confusion in his words making Mingi giggle again as he leaned in a touch further. Yunho’s large gaping eyes almost crossed to keep him in focus at the angle he had paused. Yunho was pretty sure he would not be getting used to the way Mingi now allowed himself to look at him anytime soon. Not just the overt lust, but the general rising of his fascination. Even if it was the same way he always had watched him, now he explicitly knew.

 

“Yup,” he said on the corner of evasiveness and humor, silently tilting his head as if to challenge him. Like he was enjoying the shock in Yunho’s slacked jaw. The realization was just distracting enough to miss the gentle finger dragging up from his navel until it rested snuggly under his chin. Without facing resistance, Mingi tipped his face up just an inch more. He couldn't ever remember being so pliant under another person's hands, but with Mingi, it felt right to surrender that authority to him. To be every and anything he needed in order to feel adequately served by him. Yunho wasn't exactly sure why he expected the answer to be no, but he absolutely hated the thought of anyone else ever having their hands on his Mingi. Which was ironic, considering his well known laundry list of bodies. 

 

“Who?” Yunho pressed, almost fully having lost track of the moment at hand. Mingi practically fawned, excitement scanning over him as jealousy sept from his pores, trickling over the younger in waves as he basked in it. That was new as well, he forced his mind to tuck the thought away for the time being. The realization Mingi might have even liked that sort of possessiveness buzzed under his skin, all his brain functions stuttering as the younger leaned forward. With lips hovering over his tilted mouth, he gasped as Mingi’s hand shifted from his thigh to fall over the strain in his pants, putting down pressure as if Yunho needed the reminder. 

 

“Not the time for this convo Pup,” Yunho gasped, redness flowing from his ears all the way down his bare chest as a devious smile bloomed over Mingi’s face, the both of them distinctly feeling the pulsing throb of his dick. “Hm?” His voice tilted curiously. Yunho could practically see the cogs turning in his head as Mingi perked up, biting down on his lip as Yunho grabbed onto his hip and easily pulled him forward to straddle his lap. Mingi quickly adjusted to the position, not so discreetly grinding his way into a more comfortable place as both arms wrapped around Yunho’s shoulders. He hid himself in the crook of Mingi’s neck, grumbling as Mingi shifted against him again. “You know, I always had a suspicion you might like that kinda thing,” Mingi’s hand tangled in Yunho’s hair, not so gently tugging him out to look down, their noses brushing. “Does your pulse jump whenever someone calls you that?” Yunho did his best to shake his head ‘no’, struggling to meet Mingi’s raised brow even as he once again shifted his face to tilt further up. “What's that Puppy?” Yunho gasped, eyes flying wide as Mingi gracefully rolled his hips along Yunho’s groin.

 

“No!” He almost cried, words sounding more desperate than he thought possible. “It's just you Mingi,” his hips jumped up on their own accord, meeting Mingi's on their next lazy rut down. “And I honestly, ah, don't know where the disconnect is,” he leaned forward towards his jaw, kissing whatever skin he could reach while Mingi still held his head in place. “It's never felt like that for anyone except you.”

 

“Aww,” he teased even through a hitched breath of his own as Yunho’s large hand wrapped around his waist. “Just me then hm?” 

 

“It's always been just you,” the meaning went deep and they both seemed to realize it. The taunting smile Mingi had been chastising him with slipped back to the smile from dinner, flashing tenderly. They were such simple words, yet they almost had tears breaking back through to the surface.

 

“I love you so much,” he whispered, leaning down to kiss him. He squeaked when it was Yunho this time to lay a domineering touch over his thigh, pulling him closer like if he willed it just a bit harder, they might truly be able to fuse into one. “Let me take these off?” Mingi gasped, unwinding his arm to slide down and wrap fingers around his belt. Nodding, Yunho almost protested at the new distance. But watching Mingi get back to his knees quickly shut that door, ogling as he subconsciously licked the corner of his lips.

 

As exposed as he felt watching Mingi tug the last article of clothing from his body, his lust was renewed ten fold as a picture of Mingi’s face next to his hard cock burned itself into the back of his retinas. “God damnit Yunho,” Mingi practically scoffed, a shaky hand reaching out to wrap around his shaft. A bubbling breath escaped his throat at the contact, body already buzzing beyond repair from one single touch. “I always imagined you’d be big but you could literally tear someone with this thing,” Mingi fisted the base, the tip of his thumb barely reaching the notch below his head.

 

It was kinda bizarre to see Mingi on his knees. To witness him looking up with such terrifyingly addictive trust. He couldn't think well enough to come up with something to respond with, just nodding dumbly at Mingi’s half lidded gaze. The younger leaned forward, slow breath brushing his tip as he ever so gently ran the ridge of his front tooth along Yunho's slit, sucking the head into his mouth. Yunho wept, genuinely curling in on himself being hit with such a mix of pleasure, amplified only by the slight possibility of discomfort. The mental pleasure of it all was overwhelming, feeling something so electric, something so dirty that he never realized could be so hot.

 

Mingi made quick work, running his lips along Yunho’s shaft, wetting him thoroughly before dipping his head all the way down in just two bobs. “Jesus. Fuck!" Yunho almost bit his tongue, toes scrunching up so tense he wasn’t sure they wouldn't actually snap off. He never knew a throat could be so elastic, struggling to look down and watch the way Mingi was taking him to hilt. He marked mentally that his mouth was definitely not a virgin as the younger tightened his throat as his head passed the brim of his esophagus.

 

Mingi hummed, like he was the one being pleasured beyond his wildest dreams. A jovial flash passed through a knock in his eyebrows, ever so gently dragging his teeth along the shaft as he pulled off. His hand replaced his throat as Mingi’s lips rested over the bundle of nerves below his head, collecting a bead of spit to lightly suction to the spot. “Careful Pup,” his deep voice scratched, speaking the warning right over his cock. Yunho had to clench his abdomen to keep from prematurely busting, his face was far too pretty, lashes brimmed with the tears of his exertion. “Open your eyes any more and they might pop out of their sockets,” he laughed blatantly as Yunho spluttered, trying to muffle the noise by wrapping his lips back around his head.

 

“Mingi I need you to stop so I don’t pass out,” his voice was a bit panicked, flattering the younger even as he snorted around his dick.

 

“That good?” He taunted, words spoken along his shaft as lips crawled back up to suck over his slit. Mingi looked devilish, empowered and emboldened by the haste in Yunho’s tone. But Mingi could never understand, to Yunho this was all so new. Peculiar in a sense, to be given such a jarring yet pleasant slap in the face, he never knew physical contact like this could feel so much. That he had been skating through his life without ever experiencing his gut flutter, spending years without knowing how swollen Mingi’s plush lips could get given the proper motivation.

 

When he didn’t answer, more so couldn't, Mingi relented, crawling up to once again bracket his lap. Almost like he was putting on a show, Mingi took his time to lay a large hand over Yunho's peck, pressing down to easily lay him on his back. The chafe of Mingi’s briefs against his damp and cooling cock was overwhelming, but the whimpering in the back of Mingi’s throat as Yunho reached up to palm him over the cloth quickly erased it.

 

“Let me touch you,” Yunho whispered, absorbing every drop of the deeply desperate pleasure scrunching Mingi’s face. “Please. I’ve never wanted anything more than to be allowed,” he begged through a hush. Mingi dropped his forehead against Yunho’s, uneven breath fanning his face as his hand continued to rub. Propping himself on an elbow, Yunho guided the other up, kissing him sweetly while waiting for an answer.

 

Mingi looked so overwhelmed, like just a second ago he hadn't been the one sucking out Yunho’s life force. “Okay,” he whispered, smiling so softly. "Okay.”

 

Yunho gently laid him back against the bed, the warm light around them dim enough for the jumping rays of moonlight bouncing off the water's surface to lay starkly over Mingi’s face. It lit up the silver star nestled against his collarbone quite spectacularly. Yunho didn't know exactly what possessed him as he leaned down to kiss Mingi’s cheek, the earned giggle quickly shifting into agasp as he harshly bit the younger's jaw. His lips trailed down until his nose was in line with the charm, nudging it away he latched his lips to the spot. Mingi moaned outright as he sucked, teeth biting down hard enough to make sure a bruise would be left behind for days to come. “F-fuck Yunho,” he whined, hips squirming desperate for any contact. He was sure Mingi could feel the smile of the lips still pressed to his skin. 

 

All of this was so new to him, but Mingi made his uncontrollable lust so easy. He had been scared that this would be where his body quit out on him, but as strange as the newness of touching another man was, the way Mingi choked at the warmth of his palm could have been enough for him to cum on the spot. He needed more. Mingi whined as he removed his hand, too fed up with the restriction of his underwear.

 

Mingi whimpered in realization, watching Yunho shift in between his knees, tugging at the waist band to silently ask for his hips to lift. The further Yunho shoved them over his ass the more desperate he became, practically throwing them across the room to get his hands back over Mingi’s skin. He gripped onto his ass for dear life, the flesh far plusher than he thought possible. Same for his thighs as Yunho splayed them over his spread knees. Mingi was a vision, hair mussed against the pillow, the flush on his cheeks matching the redness of his erection, almost visually pulsing as he squirmed below the attention. A softer pitiful whine left his throat as Yunho used the grasp over his ass to tug him even closer, free hand wrapping back around his cock. The ragged sound’s escaping his throat were better than any music Mingi had ever made, which was really saying something. Yunho was desperate for it, to reach deeper and access everything Mingi was willing to give. Without knowing exactly what to do, the hand on his ass reached further in to press a gentle pad against his rim. A choke was almost painfully ripped from Mingi’s chest, stuttering over the rapid beat of his heart. The surprise had his body going rigid for just one second before a shutter wracked through every nerve of his body. 

 

“Yess. Please there,” Yunho nodded like an idiot, looking down at the contact genuinely wanting to do anything in order to keep him making those aborted little sounds. Again,  he dragged them, making a circular motion before looking up for Mingi’s reaction. He wasn't expecting such a look of awe to be cast towards him, it made his fingers falter self consciously.

 

“I- I don’t know what I’m doing Princess,” he admitted more nervously than intended. Gracious as ever Mingi just nodded, reaching for his cheek to pull his face closer. 

 

“Want me to show you?” The reassurance spoken over his lips came with a sweet kiss, extending that solace to his rapidly beating heart. 

 

He let Yunho rest back on his haunches, grateful he could keep this position as Mingi propped a heel up on his thigh. It was quite the view and he was definitely gay, absolutely enthralled by the imagery of Mingi slowly opening himself. His free hand flexed around the sheets above his head, a new tiny gasp and wobbling breath drawn out with each knuckle entering him. It wasn't until he was two fingers deep, fully enraptured by the view in his lap that he realized Mingi was watching him back just as intently. His mouth went slack as Yunho’s fingertips trailed the inside of his forearm to stop over his wrist. 

 

“I want to do it,” he whispered, like it was a secret only to be kept inside their tiny bubble. “Please,” he bunched his brows, the begging tone seemed to send Mingi back to reality, smirking as he quickly nodded. Yunho took a deep breath, even though the first touch inside of him was unknown, the second, third and fourth bloomed with confidence as his long slicked fingers prodded the elastic muscle open. It didn’t take long for Mingi to be squirming along the mattress, his cock leaking precum over his stomach as his whole body jumped. Yunho assumed he had found his prostate if not for the physical reaction then solely based on the way Mingi screamed ‘again’. So he did, again and again, drinking Mingi’s pleasure until he was begging for a break. Yunho decided that someday we would have him cum on his fingers, that he would press and prod against those nerves until he was shattering beneath him. However it wasn’t that day, finding himself pliantly maneuvered to have his own back pressed against the headboard.

 

Mingi almost instantly took the lead, his strong hand lathering Yunho in slick lube as he scrambled back onto his lap. When their lips met Yunho wondered if it would ever not feel just like the first time. The excitement and thrill so unfathomably easy to get lost in, to misplace his breath in the other’s mouth and struggle to keep his mind from floating away. 

 

“You're still sure?” Mingi’s whispered insecurity tinged his voice. Yunho’s eyes flew open to reach the other’s, bearing a seriousness that took them both by storm. 

 

“Yes,” he knew definitively there was no way he could live on without having this part of him, without knowing what it was like to please Mingi’s physical self as well as emotional. “More sure than anything in this world Princess,” the younger’s heart seemed to flutter out of his chest, nodding more bashfully before reaching behind him and starting the process of sinking down along his shaft. 

 

Yunho genuinely had to wonder if it was possible to pass out from sheer pleasure. He was by no means a virgin, but Mingi was somehow so unbelievably tight and hot wrapped around him that he worried he might actually die. “Mingi,” the younger groaned in response, his forehead resting against Yunho’s shoulder as his chest heaved. “Mingi you feel so good I- oh fuck,” he cussed as Mingi’s ass finally fell flush to his groin. The same little rolls he was teasing him with earlier exponentially more mind numbing as they dragged his cock against the ridges of Mingi’s insides. Yunho's hands flew to his ass, directing the motion as his own hips mindlessly came up to meet him. Mingi gasped as Yunho shifted his hips just a touch to the side, easily remembering the angle his fingers had taken just moments before to reach where they needed to be. If there was one thing Yunho prided himself on it was being an attentive lover, there was nothing he wouldn't do to make the younger understand that. The shift had Mingi clenching around him, shooting an all consuming static through his legs as a telltale coil rushed to the surface almost faster than he could control.

 

“Mingi,” he gasped, the two still deliberately moving in tandem as the younger nipped along his shoulders leaving a trail of bite marks towards his neck. The distance in which he was to the finish was a dangerous warning to give, that if the other’s pace didn't slow he would be in for a bit of disappointment, his mind literally begging him not to cum. “Minnie it's too good, please,” when his voice broke Mingi pulled back, hand threading through his hair without reducing his pace. It felt like coming face to face with the devil, the way Mingi’s features turned sinful, a jeering grin tilting his head to look down at him with a deeply controlled, taunting power. It was so erotic to witness him like this, even more so to experience him do the exact opposite of slow down.

 

“You already gonna cum Pup?” He teased, biting down on his lip as he placed a hand back on Yunho’s thigh to shift himself into a more demanding angle. Yunho nodded pitifully, no longer having the strength to fight off the coursing thrill of a finish, giving in to the pleasure. He whined for Mingi as his hands helped pull his pelvis back even harder over his cock, feeling the tingle of his precum undoubtedly leaving his mark deep inside of his partner. 

 

“Mingi I- I can’t hold it,” he pleaded desperately. His hands shook, gripping so hard to his ass the skin was turning white. “Mingi,” he felt a tear prick at his eye. “Mingi,” reaching out for his face as his stomach clenched. “M-Mingi!” Yunho shouted, cumming, cumming hard. He shook while dragging Mingi back up to collide with his chest. Hips making small aborted upward thrusts to pump Mingi as full as he could. The younger's grinning mouth cooed at him, like the uncontrollable shaking of his body was something pitiful. Wiping sweat from his forehead and cradling his face as he continued to ride him through it. Mingi watched him with pride, soaking up every part of him like he hadn’t busted in four minutes. 

 

But Mingi didn't stop lightly clenching around him, hips continuing to make gentle yet distinct never ending circular motions on his shaft. As the high faded overstimulation fastly approached, hitting him like a freight train as Mingi’s smile grew wider and darker. Like it was exactly what he was looking for, as if the tears barely staying behind the ledge of Yunho’s lids were getting him off more than anything else had. Maybe they were, his hips bucking harder to steal another whine. Yunho involuntarily scrunched his eyes hard enough for them to drop onto his cheeks, hyper aware of the younger’s breath hitching as his thighs clenched against his sides. Mingi leaned forward, kissing his lips once before dragging them up his cheeks, licking the path of moisture away as cool saliva wicked away the heat of his face. His cock was begging to go down, but with Mingi’s movements, the ringing frequency of his body was making it near impossible to do anything but grit his teeth and bear it. 

 

“You think you can help me Puppy?” He cooed against his cheek, the movement of his hips growing bolder even as Yunho continued to gasp for breath. His hands grabbing at Mingi desperately, nails digging into his plush flesh trying and failing to keep him in one place. Still, he found himself nodding, wanting to be malleable for anything he needed, finding himself greatly craving the praise of being obedient. “Be a good boy and get real hard for me, yeah?” Mingi giggled at his immediate shocked moan, chest and hips jumping forward. “Huh,” Mingi hummed, lifting his hips to drop them instead of grinding down, already feeling his stiffness grow. “So just a little ‘good boy’ and praise is all I need to work you up?” Apparently so, Yunho hadn’t quite had the chance to figure that out on his own time. Never really having been in a situation where he was allowed to be anything outside of a vanilla heteronormative box.

 

As Mingi’s hips lifted again the tears in his ducts stopped fighting gravity, flowing freely as his pitifully overstimulated whimpers turned more groaningly salacious. So utterly fucked out that his body no longer felt tethered to the ground, like Mingi’s force on top of him was the only thing keeping him from floating into the air. Embarrassed and blushing, he felt himself getting hard just like asked. He was a good boy and would do whatever he could to prove it even as his subconscious began taking over his every reaction. Sharp blots of electricity pierced his whole body as the sensitivity that had been almost too much to endure grew blistering. He had never cum more than once in a row before, not having had a reason to try, but he would give Mingi anything. Including his body, especially as he looked up at him through hazy eyes to see his head thrown back, gasping through the chase of his own pleasure. 

 

It was like he heard a rope snap in the back of his brain, the grating buzz blooming a new sort of obsession as its ache amplified his pleasure ten fold. He felt dirty, the sticky sensation of his cum leaking from Mingi to pool around his groin was a new filth he had yet to experienced. It egged him on, raising his hips to meet Mingi's. The younger hiccuped, hips just barely faltering his pace as Yunho's returned angle caused him to shutter.

 

“That’s it Pup,” Mingi’s voice fluttered, finally growing more airy, like he was also having a hard time doing anything but making sure their bodies kept colliding. “Please don’t stop, fuck please Yu,” he whined just as pitifully as Yunho had been moments before and it was so beautiful to watch. His body spasming as his movements grew more labored, switching back to a firm grind while keeping his eyes locked onto the tear filled ones in front of him. As his lungs gasped for air Yunho wished more than anything he could give him his own.

 

He watched in awe as their joined movement became slower, more deliberate than simply chasing a high. The small smirk Mingi held felt both demeaning and filled to the brim with dedication. The position he held his gaze in was sharper than Yunho knew was possible as hunger continued to roil between their bodies. Yunho continued to sniffle as his mind fought to keep a grasp on reality, it didn't seem like they would ever stop, even as they slowed, tear after tear continued to run over his cheeks. That too was something original to this experience. He had never once cried during sex. But this? It felt so cathartic. Like unlocking a new source of pleasure in simply letting go, letting Mingi be fully in control of caring for him. That trust was what made his brain feel so fuzzy, floating further away with each breath as the rest of the world faded away. His whole self focused only on Mingi. 

 

The younger was watching closely, scanning over his every single expression. The way his teeth clasped and hiss when Mingi dug nails into his shoulder, how his neck kept tilting to the side as if he was so lost to Mingi’s hold it could barely stay up on its own anymore. Yunho recognized the feeling behind that look, the need to absorb each moment like it was the most precious blip in history. It sure felt like a fantasy, better even because now he could feel the warmth of Mingi's skin and the way his hips were trembling with each grind. 

 

There was a palpable shift as a blubbering cry poured from Mingi’s panting lips. Another frustrated sob leaked from where his teeth were gnawing down on his lip, his knees starting to slip with each upward motion. He kept going, forcing his tired body to push forward as the strength of his impending orgasm made his body heavy. As misty as Yunho’s brain felt he could still tell he was losing his force. A frustrated growl pulled him back from wherever his mind had sunk to, the baring of Mingi’s teeth and furrow of brow were all the silent calls for help he needed as his body finally started wearing out of steam.

 

“Shh Princess,” he finally found his words, reaching his arms around to coddle him. Mingi practically whaled as Yunho planted his feet to the bed and thrust up. His exhausted body donated as much force and will as he could spare, desperate to see Mingi finish. “Let me help you,” the whisper was just enough of a signal, the younger's body instantly folding in on itself the second Yunho took control. All the power Mingi had was instantly relinquished, no longer domineering as his body relaxed against his chest, lips finding Yunho’s skin to mouth whimpers into his throat. 

 

Putting in the work Yunho turned his neck, basking in the smell of Mingi’s sweat as his open mouth panted against the younger’s temple. He laid a large hand over Mingi’s lower back, pushing him closer to melt their bodies together. That decision caused a jolt to shoot through Mingi’s whole body, his cock getting sandwiched between their abdomens. Yunho was a fast learner, based on Mingi’s earlier movements he still knew the exact angle to press his hips to make each thrust stimulate his partner now in both spots. With each new ringing sensation Mingi’s body became heavier, the sputtering deadweight of his pleasure making it almost impossible for Yunho to use the full force he knew Mingi deserved for waiting so long. Without thinking much he engaged his core and flipped them to press Mingi’s back against the mattress. The younger giggled, a cute ‘oof’ making Yunho lose his pace, fully distracted by the surprised smile gifting him a glance of  a dimple. 

 

“I love you,” he found himself saying, looking reverently down at the man splayed before him. The realization, while not particularly new, was dense in his chest. That this was the first day of the rest of their lives. It seemed to catch Mingi off guard as well, covering a wounded gasp behind a tight laugh. “I love you so much,” Yunho surged forward, crashing their lips together as he kicked back up with his hips. He didn't bother with that same languid stride. As delicious as it felt he could see Mingi was as desperate to let go as he had been, cock weeping against his abdomen as Yunho’s knees spread to move his hips a bruising speed. 

 

He babbled nonsense as Yunho finally found his voice, words coming to the surface to taunt in much the same way Mingi had. “Do you know the torture I went through with you gone?” The stiff grumble made Mingi clench around him, reaching for his face to smash their lips together. “Never leave me again,” his own hips stuttered as the command came out broken, each syllable pressed against the younger’s panting mouth. Not necessarily the sensual playfulness he had anticipated, just the raw truth. 

 

“I won’t,” Mingi barely ghosted the words. “You'll go with me,” Yunho nodded, setting into a more aggressive pace. Mingi’s breath caught, his shoulders lifting from the bed as Yunho wrapped a hand around his cock, the excess of precum letting the first pump glide tightly over his head. “Come with me,” he quietly begged, his shaky hands doing their best to grab Yunho’s cheeks, nodding jerkily as if he needed to persuade him.

 

Yunho was having too much fun, even through wet eyes the power being back in his hands so suddenly felt extraordinary. He hummed, tauntingly as Mingi’s nails shifted to tear up the skin on his back, still nodding. “Are you going to come for me Princess?” The younger’s eyes flew wide, pouting up at him as his face pleaded silently. Yunho thoroughly enjoyed seeing how wrecked they had gotten each other. That the same person who’s words made him whimper pathetically and cry was now hopelessly writhing under his strength. The dynamic was something he could get used to, giddy that they would only grow together more from that point on.  

 

“You,” he cried, fighting to stay cognizant as his pupils dilated. “Only if you- Fuck Yunho. Only if you do too,” Yunho was only so strong. How was he meant to resist such a temptation?  Openly gifted opportunity to tease him in return.

 

“You really think you can hold out that long?” He lied through his teeth, keeping the fact that he was quite literally clenching every muscle in his body to keep him from busting to himself. Still, it had the desired effect as Mingi started to beg.

 

“Please!” The whimpered petulance was music to his ears. It was familiar in a sense, to hear him beg for whatever he wanted knowing Yunho would always cave. But this tone spiked his blood, lust so deeply laced in each labored breath. “Please Yunho, I need to cum so bad. Please let me cum,” with a force that looked almost painful to exert Mingi grabbed the back of his neck, fisting his hair to yank him down to his mouth. It wasn't much of a kiss, more so a press of open panting mouths, both overwhelmed with the closeness. Yunho just about choked as Mingi’s deep voice kept its trademark rasp but grew higher in pitch, chanting his name like a prayer as the hands holding on for dear life struggled to maintain their grasp. 

 

“I know,” he whispered, pulling back just enough to watch Mingi’s face, to see his every muscle twitch and each flutter of his lashes. He needed to see it all. “I know, Min. You can let go now Princess,” he isolated his hand around the head of Mingi’s cock, the tight slow circles shuttering through his body as his back arched off of the bed. “Go on, show me how well you can cum.” 

 

Watching Mingi spill onto his chest was the most religious experience he had ever witnessed in his entire life. It was like light beamed out of him, the hiccuped breathes and groaning whines scrunching up his forehead and nose. Yunho watched as cum splattered over his hand, it was so hot and he was so thankful that he'd inevitably found his way to it. Mingi’s tongue poked out, shining wet as it dragged across the corner of his lip, catching a small line of saliva trying to escape. 

 

It was so distracting that he almost failed to realize his body was reaching its own end, a loud huff filling the room as the spamming if Mingi’s walls ladened him with an impossibly loud orgasm. There was barely any release left to give, but the tinging high that came along with it was a sensation he found he loved, roughly ripping through his nerves like a serrated knife. Mingi’s knees clenched tighter around him, his heels pushing him deeper as both of their bodies started to shutter. As hot as that action of needy desperation was, it was far from necessary. Yunho wasn't planning on going anywhere as his body collapsed onto the younger's.

 

It was nice, not having to worry about possibly crushing his partner below him. Mingi only giggled, lazily wrapping an arm around his neck to pull him in even closer. They caught their breath together, cradled in each other’s arms as time seemed to stop. Their heart beats slowing to match with each deep breath the other took. 

 

Yunho propped his head up, watching Mingi’s eyes flutter in and out of lucidness. “I love you,” he whispered, not sure if it would even be heard. But of course, Mingi’s smile bloomed, turning to the side and blindly capturing the corner of Yunho’s lips. They let it linger, like just a simple press was enough to light the world on fire. No active motion needed for them to be complete with each other. The overwhelming devotion in his heart tipped over, spilling from his chest and down past his gut, calling back to the ink his hand was idly resting over.

 

“So the tattoo?” Yunho asked, idly kissing every inch of skin he could reach, neither of them seeming to care that the skin between them was still sticky. He waited patiently, in no rush for Mingi to find his choice of words, too busy enjoying the ardent exploration of his lips to push.

 

“Well,” Mingi sighed, Yunho didn't even have to guess to know the exact look on his face. Pensive, his brow bone sinking deeper over his eyes while chewing on the inside of his cheek. “In one way or another I've loved you for more than half of my life, Yunho,” he felt his heart jump, there was so much he had to learn about the impact he’d had over Mingi, but the thought that he had always had such love at his fingertips overwhelmed his soul with pride. That he could be so worth it all these years. “I never had to think twice about if I’d regret it.” 

 

“Oh,” Yunho said quietly, not as eloquent as what he might have preferred but as hard as he tried, he was still struggling to process that level of devotion. 

 

“Mhm,” Yunho felt the jaw he had his lips pressed to nod. “Once I got the courage to send that letter, I think I just came to terms with the fact that requited or not, as people we would never change. Even if you didn’t love me back like that you would still always love me.” Yunho nodded against his collar bone, sure that Mingi could feel the smile making it hard for him to pout his lips in order to kiss. “But god am I so glad you do,” his voice broke, next breath below Yunho shaking his ribcage. Yunho lifted his chest just enough to army crawl up and hover over his face. Looking down at the beautiful mess he had spent a lifetime, and more so the last give or take hour creating. “I missed you so fucking much,” his lip wobbled through the whisper, a sheen of moisture filling his eyes as Yunho stroked a warm gentle hand down his face. He traced his thumb over the bridge of his nose, trailing under his lashes and over his cheek bone. 

 

“Me too,” he smiled, the words laced with bittersweet joy. “But here you are,” Mingi nodded, nuzzling against the hand on his cheek, sniffing before letting out a wet laugh. 

 

“Here I am.”

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

“Hey Yuyu?” Mingi whispered after the two had washed up, stripped what they could of the bed and gotten back under the covers. Their still wobbly sweatpant covered legs were happily tangled up, Mingi had insisted they keep their shirts off, something about skin to skin contact, Yunho saw no reason to disagree. Especially with how warm he felt draped over his chest. It was like every minute he was discovering something new that he’d been missing out on. For instance, Mingi was so much nicer to cuddle when he wasn't scared to cross his sleeping best friend’s boundary. It was crazy to think how right it could feel to hold him as more than just a friend. 

 

“Hm?” His hand stopped its lazy pattern in Mingi’s hair as it lifted his head up, propping his chin to watch Yunho’s face. 

 

“Have you ever thought about bottoming?” He could sense the question was nothing more than a passing curiosity with the lazy tone it was asked. “You never know, you might really like it,” Yunho grinned down at him, letting a small chuckle escape as Mingi pouted.

 

“Honestly haven't gotten that far in the whole gay self discovery thing. I was kinda busy figuring out how to confess to years worth of ignorance, you know being stupidly in love with your best friend takes a lot of energy to figure out,” Mingi nodded, trying and failing to hide a small content smile by laying his head back down when Yunho winked at him. It still felt so wild to be able to say that openly without fearing he might combust. Surely he’d get used to it at some point, but for the time being he let himself settle into the soft peach fuzz currently coating over all his nerve endings. The lapping sound of waves outside their window blended just right with the in and out of their matched breaths. “But,” he whispered, not wanting to disturb the resting peace between them but also not wanting to dismiss the topic. “Now that we have all that covered I'm sure there's lots of stuff I'll have to learn about myself. And you. Honestly, I think I would like anything if you're the one I'm doing it with,” Yunho poked his side, satisfied in the way he shoved himself into Yunho’s neck to try and disguise a giddy squeal. It accomplished the opposite, his overwhelming joy much louder in his ear than it had been by his chest. That didn’t matter much, Yunho could feel the resting smile on his lips as they nestled over his pulse point. The brush of his each and every breath rustling the tiny hairs behind his ear. Yunho wrapped his arm tighter around Mingi’s waist and simply let the rest fall into place. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮ 

 

✮ Light - Ateez ✮

Starlight facing each other in the night sky

The moment we look at each other

The dark night is lifted

We're shining in it

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮ 

 

The sun felt unseasonably toasty as Yunho’s eyes started shifting awake. His subconscious must have been playing tricks on him, or maybe he had just wrapped Mingi’s throw blanket more tightly around his neck at some point in the night, his pillow smelt like him regardless. The precious combination of warm skin and the amber of his fancy laundry detergent that was so individual to Song Mingi. It felt so familiar, definitely reigning in as the most vivid dream he’d had about his best friend in at least the last few weeks, for the first time in months he felt like he could just about taste Mingi’s presence. Something shifted beside him, the light clicking of a phone being placed against wood. Then he felt it, the gentle touch of fingertips brushing hair out of his face. 

 

“Yunnie are you up?” Mingi whispered from beside him. Yunho’s chest sucked in a sharp gasp, roughly stuttering back out as their eyes met. Only a second of realization passed before it all came back to him, his arrival, the drive and dinner. Everything they had confessed and finally felt brave enough to act on. He practically burst into tears, quiet but unignorable streams flowing down his cheeks. Mingi paled, shifting quickly to roll Yunho onto his back and hang over him. He shushed him repeatedly, kissing away the tears as his gentle fingers did the best they could to collect them before more quickly followed. “Yunho what’s wrong baby, are you okay?” Mingi sounded urgent if not a touch panicked, clearly trying to keep an even head for Yunho’s sake.

 

“I’m so okay,” Yunho choked, heaving somewhere between a giggle and actual cry. “You’re here, Mingi. Fuck, I woke up and thought it was another dream but you’re really here,” he reached out to run his fingers through the back of Mingi’s bed head. “You’re here and I love you,” he pulled him down, their lips meeting clumsily in Yunho’s haste. The younger let out a clearly relieved sigh against him, easily melting against his mouth. 

 

Eventually, Mingi was able to slow him down. Pacing him until the tears stopped and his breath was only uneven because it was getting stolen out of his lungs. When the younger finally pulled away it was with a teasing snort. “You just scared the absolute shit out of me Yunho,” he huffed, shifting to sit with his back against the headboard. Yunho shuffled until his head could lay over Mingi's hip, arms firmly wrapped around his waist. 

 

“Sorryy,” the word got elongated with an embarrassed groan. “I just really couldn't believe my eyes,” Mingi hummed lazily, reaching back down to continue the process of finger detangling Yunho’s hair. “How long have you been up,” he yawned after a few more content minutes, getting lost in Mingi’s light humming.

 

“Ahhhh,” Mingi huffed a little evasively. Yunho twisted his neck to see the sheepish grin plastered across his face. “For like maybe five ish hours,” Yunho shot up like he had been electrocuted, making a panicked noise in the process of scanning for a clock. “Don’t worry Pup it’s only 7am. I’m just in a different time zone,” he tapped a finger against his temple. Yunho sighed, his shoulders sagging as he tumbled back over Mingi's chest in a heap. “What a turbulent morning you’re having, sunshine,” he snorted, cooing as Yunho nodded against him with a little ‘hmph’. 

 

“Worth it,” he hummed, relishing in the marriage of Mingi’s morning voice and twinkling giggle. The newness of being called sunshine bounced around in his ears, like being wrapped up in a cashmere cocoon. “Coffee?” Mingi pointed over toward their small kitchen table where a two serving coffee pot sat half empty next to a fresh mug. He hummed in thanks, groggily rolling off the bed to stumble over and take his fill. Even with his body turned he heard Mingi shifting around on their bed, cataloging each sound like his hypervigilance was expecting to miss something. 

 

“Hey Yunho. I was wondering,” he turned back around just a dash too quickly, a sip of coffee jumping over the lip of his mug and onto his foot. Mingi shook his head, grinning as he watched Yunho bend his knee up to wipe it off on the back of his calf. The younger waited until he had settled back down on the bed. It was comforting to see he wanted to be just as close as Yunho did, worming his way over until snuggly pressed flush to his side. “What would you have done if I said I had plans this weekend?” The hypothetical caught Yunho a little off guard, but he didn’t even get the chance to think before his mouth was answering for him. 

 

“Selfishly I think you would have dropped them,” Mingi snorted, taking Yunho’s mug and stealing a long sip. He shrugged. 

 

“You’re right. I would have,” their fingers brushed as he handed the mug back. Yunho knew it was kind of stupid and definitely juvenile, but he felt sparks flicker around his vision at the contact. Mingi didn’t stop looking, searching deeper until inevitably finding whatever they had been looking for. Yunho reached over to place a hand on his thigh, squeezing as Mingi started to bite nervously at his bottom lip. “I have to talk to you about something,” Yunho nodded, not having enough time to pinpoint where exactly his nervous energy separated from excitement.

 

“Anything,” he promised, turning to put his mug on the bedside table before giving back his full attention. 

 

“So, I was waiting for the right time to say this but it seems like I should just add to our ongoing weekend of surprises,” Yunho nodded, riding so high on Mingi’s undivided attention he could barely hear the ocean outside their window. “So before I signed that contract I put a bit of my business degree to use and did some negotiating,” Yunho nodded, brows furrowing a bit but not interrupting. “I worked out a deal with my boss that if I went abroad for this album once I got back I'd be able to transfer to Seoul and move into the open studio next to Hongjoong’s,” Yunho gapped at him, mouth falling slack, hanging so far past gaunt that he was surprised it was still attached to the hinges. “I was going to tell you when we had planned to meet up in a few days but all next week I'll be apartment hunting,” he looked at him hopefully, shimmering in the light of Yunho’s smile. Now he really wasn’t sure if he was still dreaming or not. “I was thinking… Well, I quite like your neighborhood. If you don't mind me being so close, I’d like to start looking there.” 

 

Yunho scoffed, shook his head disbelievingly then scoffed again. Without a word he nodded, eyes watering all over again as he lunged forward and kissed him stupid. 

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

 

Notes:

how do we feel?

<3

Chapter 15: Letter of Our Love

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

✮ Golden Hour - Jvke ft. Fujii Kaze ✮

Golden planet

Don’t you ever try to break it

I’ve found the secret

You’re never ever gonna fake it

When we wake up

We’re gonna fly forever our sky

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

2028.04.15

Dear friends and family, 

Many of you are already aware, but now it’s finally official. Please save the date! 

 

Yunho and I feel so very blessed to have made it to this point in our lives together. As we all know I have loved him for the majority of my life, but Yunho has gone above and beyond to make up for all the time I walked through it alone. I never knew love could feel like this and I cannot wait to spend the rest of our lives together. I know to a lot of you this must feel like a long time coming, so we both want to thank you for all the patience and guidance you have shown us through our journey. Genuinely, we couldn’t be happier. 

 

The two of us want to share this moment with a small intimate group of friends and family that we feel closest to, the presence of each and every one of you would mean the world to us. Our ceremony will be held this fall in a small church in Copenhagen. We understand that it is a big ask for you all to travel abroad to join us so in consideration we have covered all lodging and entertainment expenses for the entire group. We hope you can join us in this celebration. 

 

We cherish you all and cannot wait to show you the love you have helped us build. 

 

Sincerely, 

The future Jeong’s

 

✮𓃦𓅱✮

 

 

 

Notes:

If you made it this far I want to say thank you so so much. I worked so hard on this and it's kind of insane to me that I wrote 109k words in more or less three months, hopefully it paid off. Believe it or not I genuinely thought after finishing my outline that this would be mayyyybe 40k, the yaoi infiltration definitely got me this time around lol. I truly hope you enjoyed it and I appreciate every single one of you for sticking with me until the end.

This is my first time writing for yungi, I’ve been obsessed with them for so long and I have felt so welcomed by the writiny community in the comments under everyone’s stories and also over on twt. I've already made a lot of friends there and it’s very nice to have been accepted into a new fandom so kindly. I look up to the writers here so much and hopefully I did the boys well. Please let me know what you think. I already have a few more fics brewing for yungi and I can't wait to share them with you all.

!!Most importantly!! thank you admins for putting together such a fun fest, I had been so nervous to branch out from my usual ship and this gave me such a nice place to land.

<3

 

(twt: moaofallmoas)

Notes:

<3