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They’ve been something for months.
Something tangible and physical for 135 days, and Stiles thanks everything out there for those days because they’ve been painful and long but so, so worth it in the end.
Which of course means he messes it up.
He mentions love.
-
He says, “I love you,” into the skin of Derek’s shoulder on the 136th day.
Stiles knows his heart doesn’t flicker or hitch with a lie, but he feels Derek tense as soon as the words pass his lips, feels his hand clench were it rests on his hip.
At first his doesn’t understand it.
And then Derek shifts, and pushes Stiles from his position on his chest, and he’s standing at the side of the bed, back taught as puts his shoes on.
Stiles realises with a punch in his gut that, oh.
“It’s okay,” It’s not, and it hurts, but Stiles can make this work, “it’s fine if you don’t feel the same, we can… nothing has to change.” He know he’s pleading, but Derek’s shaking his head and his back is still turned, he’s tense and sharp lines and Stiles thinks he hears a hitch in his breathing, but he can’t be sure.
He wants to reach out, to hold on with clammy hands and talk, and talk, and make this work, and make Derek understand, understand that they can make this work.
But Derek turns, and his face is carefully neutral, his hands clenched and twitching at his sides like he wants to reach out, and Stiles thinks briefly ‘yes, Derek please’, but instead he shakes his head and walks towards the window, not taking his eyes from Stiles’ and something flickers briefly before it’s gone, too quick for Stiles to identify.
Derek’s voice is gruff when he speaks, and Stiles is hopeful until the words register.
“I can’t do this.”
-
Stiles said ‘I love you’ on a Friday.
He spends the weekend, heart heaving and beating fast in his chest, and he wracks his brains for signs that this, what was, is, between them wasn’t mutual.
Because he remembers lazy afternoons watching films curled together, and the fond look Derek would get when Stiles started to babble, and how Derek seemed softer, and smiled and spoke of small things about his family.
At first Stiles thinks, that Derek’s not ready to say it, that his phone will ring or buzz and Derek will be on the other end, and he’ll say that they’ll be fine, but that he can’t say it yet, or that maybe he doesn’t feel it, but in time that he will. But the call doesn’t happen, and Stiles texts 5 times on Saturday and calls twice.
And he doesn’t get a reply.
He thinks about going to the train depot, stomping in righteous anger and demanding to know what he did wrong, what the hell Derek’s problem is, because it’s Sunday and the Saturday hurt has bled into anger.
He makes 7 attempts to get in his Jeep, and it’s just as well his dad’s on long shifts, before turning back into the house, and on the 8th his realises, that maybe it hadn’t been more to Derek than sex.
When Stiles thinks back, he’d expected it to be rough and claiming, and ok it had at times, but it had also been slow and sweet, and strong and he can’t remember ever feeling better than he had in those moments. He remembers their first time (Stiles’ actual first time), and how Stiles had been nervous and twitching and he’d babbled about the gay porn he’d watched, and “Can you even do that? Because I don’t think that position is possible for any normal person to even think about.”
And he remembers how Derek had laughed, and it had been rough and soft at the same time, and Stiles had stilled and smiled because that was the best sound ever, and Derek had buried his head in Stiles knee like he was embarrassed, before biting the ticklish skin there and Stiles had almost kicked him in the face, but things had been better after that, and it had been messy and slightly painful and perfect.
Derek had stayed the night, curled around Stiles, and in the morning there had been a note instead of a warm body, it’d said ‘Sheriff came back, I’ll see you later’ and they’d been a little smiley face in the corner and Stiles still has it in his desk.
And then Stiles remembers that they’d never really labelled what was between them, never put a name to it, and never said it was exclusive, just the two of them and nobody else, and that if they were out together Derek wouldn’t touch him and the one time Stiles had tried, he’d moved away.
And Stiles thinks that the thought of Derek being ashamed to been seen with him, ashamed of him, hurts almost more than the thought of it just being sex.
-
Scott, Stiles decides, is the best friend ever.
He’s waiting at the bike stands when Stiles drives into school on Monday and he’s smiling before he does that adorable sniff thing (and Stiles is pretty sure it’s only Scott who does that, because he’s surrounded by werewolves and he’s never seen anyone else do it), before his smile drops and he’s walking over to the Jeep.
“Dude, what’s wrong?” and Stiles hates werewolf powers so much.
“Me? Nothing’s wrong, why would anything be wrong? I am perfect.”
“Come on Stiles, even without the, you know” Scott’s making clawing motions like someone could be spying on them and Stiles thinks, how is he my best friend, “I can tell that something’s wrong.” Oh that’s why.
And Stiles doesn’t want to say it.
He’s got it under control, he’s used to rejection and even if this hurts more than with Lydia, he can handle it and maybe something came up, maybe Derek will text today or he’ll be waiting in the car park like a creeper after school and everything will be okay, because Stiles is stupidly invested in this, relationship, and he’s still hoping that it was just a misunderstanding and –
“I think Derek broke up with me. But I’m not sure if we were really seeing each other.”
Scott’s blinking at him and his brow is furrowed, and then he says, “Pizza and games and my house tonight?”
And yeah, best friend, ever.
Because Stiles doesn’t want to talk about it, and they’re both kind of bad at relationships right now and alpha’s suck.
Monday’s bitter.
-
Nothing supernatural happens all week, and he doesn’t hear from Derek.
By Friday, his dad says he’s moping over dinner.
“I am not moping!” he’s indignant, it’s manly pining and he’s not going to say heartbroken because if Derek want’s to ignore this then he can too. (It’s not working, and he aches for Derek at night and in the morning and Scott’s dragged him from going to the train depot three times already.)
“Is this about that Hale kid?” If Stiles had been drinking he would have spat it out, but he wasn’t, and his dad is staring at him with knowing eyes, and it’s an opening to talk if he takes it.
He does.
“I-yeah, how did you know?”
“I’m a parent I know everything, and besides I’ve seen him climb out of your window too many times to count and then it stopped this week.” His dad isn’t angry, he’s worried and Stiles loves his him so much.
“Oh. I… we were kind of seeing each other?” Its question he still doesn’t know the answer too, and it hurts. “And now I guess we’re not. But please don’t be mad! I know I should have told you, but it was new and I didn’t know how you’d react and-” he’s cut off by his dads hand on his shoulder and he’s thankful because he doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to explain it.
“It’s okay, well it’s not, I wish you’d told me but I get why you didn’t and I’m not mad.” His dad checks his watch and sighs, and Stiles kind of hates his job, but he gets it. “I’ve got to go to work, but we can talk about this tomorrow, okay kid?”
“Yeah, yeah okay. I love you dad.”
“I love you too, son.”
-
Derek’s in his room when he goes up and Stiles’ first thought is to run into his arms and never let go.
His second is to punch him in his stupid handsome face.
“What are you doing here?” He doesn’t think his voice shakes but it’s kind of raw and Derek flinches slightly before looking at Stiles.
“I wanted to explain.”
“Explain what?” Stiles is being cruel and he knows it, but he’s so beyond hurt and his head has been full of rejection and pain and the thought that what’s between them had been nothing, that he’d meant nothing to Derek. “Explain, why you left me? Explain why you didn’t answer my calls or reply to my texts? Explain why I’ve spent the last week thinking about what I did wrong, or, or that I mean nothing to you, that it was just sex?”
Derek’s got him against his door between a blink, and his eyes are flickering over Stiles’ face and his mouth is open, he’s panting like he’s run miles and when he speaks his voice is rough.
“How can you think that? How can you think you mean nothing to me? You mean-” Derek’s hands are bruising where they grip Stiles’ waist and arm, and he can’t get over how broken Derek sounds.
“You mean everything to me.”
It’s said so quietly, and Stiles want’s nothing more than to believe it but,
“I told you, that I loved you, and you walked away.” Stiles isn’t going to cry, he’s not, but he can feel his eyes burning and his throat is tight.
Derek’s face is pinched when he releases him and paces around the room and Stiles lets out a chocked breath and really looks at Derek.
His skin is pale, and there’s dark shadows under his eyes, his hair is a mess and his shirt is crumpled like he’d worn it for days.
“I was scared.” And Stiles has to blink before the words register. “I was scared, that you didn’t mean it.”
“What?” Stiles breathes the word but he knows Derek hears it by the tensing of his back. “How-You must have heard my heartbeat, you must know I wasn’t lying!”
“I know you weren’t lying!” Derek’s close to his face again, and Stiles doesn’t have enough time to curse werewolf reflexes before he’s talking again. “I knew you meant it, I know you mean it now, but what about in a few months? What about when you go to college and meet people your own age? When I’m not there, and someone’s interested in you and you could be happy with them and have a normal life.” Derek sounds terrified and broken and Stiles want’s nothing more than to hold him.
“You don’t think I’m scared too? You could have anyone you want, and I am terrified that I’m not good enough for you, that you’ll realise I’m just a stupid, spastic kid, who talks too much and makes a fool of himself and messes things up.” And it’s true; it’s everything Stiles has thought to himself. “But I want you, and I want this to work! I’m not expecting it to be easy, I don’t want it to be easy, but you can’t just walk away when things get difficult.”
Derek turns his head away, but he doesn’t move back and he doesn’t flinch when Stiles lays his palm on his chest, curls his fingers into his top.
“I didn’t even know if we were still together. If we were ever together.” It’s just a whisper, but Derek reacts like he’s been punched.
“Of course we were together; we still are if you let me, if you let me make this better.”
Stiles almost wants to say no, to tell Derek to leave and to not come back, tell him that what they had is over, a spiteful part of him wants to see if he’ll fight, or if he’ll just walk away, but he can’t.
Stiles realises he’s always going to say yes.
“Yes, yes.”
Derek lets out a chocked laugh, and both of their eyes are a little red, and they’re both idiots, and then Derek’s kissing him like he’s short of breath, like it’s the last thing he’ll ever do.
It’s perfect.
Derek’s hands are cupping his face, and Stiles has got his hands fisted into Derek’s jacket in a white knuckled grip, he’s whimpering and they’re biting into each other’s mouths’.
They’re both hard, but it’s not about that, and Stiles wants to stay like this forever, but he runs out of breath, and he’s scared for a moment that Derek’s going to walk away, but instead he pushes their foreheads together so they’re breathing in the same air, and smiles.
And Stiles smiles back.
-
They talk.
They talk a lot, about Derek’s fears, of Kate and Stiles going to college, and the morning after Derek stays for breakfast with his dad. The conversation is awkward and the sheriff threatens Derek to never hurt his son before giving him a pat on the back and saying the same to Stiles, and Derek laughs at his spluttering but Stiles can’t help smiling and gives Derek a soft kiss, smirking when his dad groans.
Stiles knows things aren’t going to be perfect, and he knows they’re going to fight, knows they’re both going to be insecure and scared, and that college will be hard, but he thinks they’re going to make it this time.
-
Derek says “I love you” for the first time, 136 days later.