Chapter 1: Day 1
Chapter Text
ROUTINE DIAGNOSTICS: IN PROGRESS.
…
PERIPHERAL LIMB SYSTEM CONTROL: OFFLINE.
…
LCL CAPACITY: FULL
…
NERVE RECEPTORS: NOT YET SYNCED.
…
S2 ENGINE: NOT PRESENT.
…
A cold, cold sensation crawls over my lead filled limbs, and a tight rope is strapped over every inch of my body in choking grasp.
I… I can’t move, not a single twitch.
Everything feels wrong.
Taste.
Sight.
Sound.
Sensation.
It’s all so muffled, yet also heightened, as if my senses were pushed to their absolute peak - but not before being muted so as to not overwhelm whatever the hell else I’m feeling. My bones do not ache, and I, somehow, lack an achingly familiar warmth flowing beneath my skin. It’s a dastardly thing, to be greeted by such a frigid chill after a good night’s sleep. Something uncomfortable and unnatural, almost as if I didn’t belong anymore.
What’s wrong with me?
Why can’t I see anything?
Why do I feel this way?
Before my turbulent thoughts can ask more questions without answers, a flash of light floods every corner of the room in an effervescent display of luminosity.
White plasters every corner of the room I reside in, and a large two-way mirror is placed a few dozen meters away from me. People - seemingly scientists - scurry from behind the glass, tapping away at the massive consoles placed in the small lab they work in while hundreds of thousands of numbers and values and concepts flying through the screen at dizzying speeds; they wade through it with an almost… tired experience.
Friggin’ nerds.
They seem so… small from this height. As if I could squish them in my palms without a single bit of effort. A powerful tremor runs through me.
Not that I’d want to, but it feels like I could.
Massive metal tubes curl higher up curl into hundreds of subsections and into one another, leading to somewhere behind me; precisely where I can’t turn my head to look. Every one of my limbs are still completely locked down, frozen by some unspoken order to stay completely put.
I want to move, dammit!
“Signal plug terminator ejected.” A voice exclaims through an intercom, female in nature with a definite youthfulness to it. Before I can question what that means, I feel my head be forcibly tilted down to face the bleached floors my orange, metal feet are placed upon. Small cauldrons are stuck to the tip of the boot
… Wait a goddamn second.
“Inserting entry plug… now.”
A small twitch along the crook of my neck, a spurt of pressurized air, and a sudden feeling of wholeness envelops me, the frigid chill I’ve quickly acclimated to quickly disappearing.
My head is tilted back up, and my (metaphorical) eyes widen at the sight of an older scientist staring at me impassively; in both pride and disdain. Her green eyes gaze looks me up and down in a seeming attempt to find defects or structural anomalies, and she scratches the easily identifiable birthmark placed by the rim of her left eye. A cigarette hangs off the edge of her lips, small wisps of smoke rising from the still smoldering cancer stick.
I know her, which means if she’s real, then I’m-
“Reactivation attempt for Unit 00 is a go.”
Ah, fuck.
Of all the shit I could be put through, why do I have to go through this of all things?
“A10 connection established.”
Seriously, it’s just a god forsaken misery fest! What the hell am I supposed to do as a giant robot anyway? The one that dies near the end of the show!
“Nerve connections… nominal.”
I don’t want to do this!
“Preliminary contact established.”
Think! What the hell can I do that doesn’t involve me being blown to hell by the both the children of a literal god and or the eldritch version of a damn tapeworm? My memory may be a little hazy, but that… thing is not something I want inside me. The thought of it crawling inside my skin sends a pang of fear through me. Now I get why Shinji was so scared all the time.
I haven’t even had to do anything and yet I already feel like I’m about to die.
“Harmonics negativ- wait… her sync rate its… rising rapidly!”
My fingers twitch in frustration, and a metal groan echoes across the empty rooms checkered walls. I start to struggle against the restraints binding my towering frame to the mechanism behind me, sparks flying from the cables being haphazardly ripped from their plugs.
Crash!
I break through, and with a loud crash, fall to my knees causing the floor beneath to shake as if there were some sort of earthquake or tremor. My hands shake, the small grooves carefully woven over my metal skin curl and loosen as I open and close my massive palms. I try to speak but I can’t - so I scratch at the small gap holding my mouth shut in an effort to scream.
To roar.
To do something I used to be able to do so easily.
I punch my jaw, loosening the clamp holding my mouth shut; Holding back my ability to breathe, to see, to think and emote and feel alive like I’m not trapped in a body that isn’t mine to control. Then I punch it again without a single ounce of pain registering for me. Then again, only this time it comes with a small pinch of sensation, something familiar, and again, until eventually, a loud crunch blossoms the pain into something real; something tangible.
Something human.
I hear another spurt of pressurized air and my trembling hands, on instinct, shoot out and grab a small white cylinder - the insert plug aptly labeled: EVA 00.
The girl, Rei, is in here, submerged in a tiny canister without any way to escape, leave, or scream. A child soldier with no ideals to call her own, guided by a sociopathic maniac who cares only for bringing his dead wife back from the grave. A grave she put herself in.
What a joke.
In a moment of clarity, I let the canister roll around in my hand for a moment before I gently set it back down, careful not to damage it in any way- before I go back to picking myself apart, the metal jaw crumbling under my panicked grip.
For a split second, a single infinitesimal, I see my reflection in the mirror. An ugly beast. A monster retrofitted for humanities defense. An ugly, disgusting abomination with a slanted jaw full of crooked molars, and metal flesh as a mask.
“UWAGHHHHH!”
The checkered walls open into sprinklers, a loud whirring sounding from behind them before they spray a deep red liquid not unlike blood that quickly dries and hardens into a harsh, and difficult binding. The sudden jolt of will that propelled me forward disappears as fast as it came, and everything goes dark.
… But not really. I’m still here, aware of everything but my surroundings. An empty head space filled with my slowly recovering mind.
Fantastic. This could not have gone any better. I am just in… awe at how much of an impulsive idiot I am reacting like that.
I really hope this isn’t an indication for how the rest of my time in this god forsaken universe is going to go.
An unknown amount of time later…
I don’t know how long it’s been since I was reactivated. Maybe a few hours? Days? It’s sort of hard to tell with no clocks around here. Even if there was once, it’s not like I can see it.
All I know is the next time I’m reactivated, I’ll behave. There’s not really any way to describe what I’ve been doing all this time apart from just waiting. And thinking.
If I’m in NGE, then I sort of am fucked, aren’t I? The only times I have agency are when I’m in a fight, and even then, I’m not sure how that would help. I’m a prototype unit, technically inferior to the models made after me. I’m surprised I even remember that.
I remember all the big picture stuff. Instrumentality, the angels, death, yada yada yada. But the little details? The really important things?
I’m having a hard time recalling. It’s all a haze, and the more I try to remember, but hazier it gets. Little details mixing with one another to form conclusions that I know aren’t true.
… Fuck.
I just don’t want to die, man. This world is brutal, and orchestrated by minds and plans and ideas I couldn’t even begin to comprehend back when I first watched the show. I’m a small fish in a massive ocean of conspiracy, drowning in a reef of bullshit.
At least I have time to think. Time to plan. Time to rub my neurons together in an effort to-
Gah!
A sudden pain in pops by my neck, right by where the entry plugs supposed to be, and the lights peppering my vision explode into wonderful sight.
Grey metal everywhere without a single color out of place. Impossible machinery traveling along the extremely wide sections of NERV base. Mechanics walk along bridges placed above my submerged form and the cold, red sea under seeps into my armor onto the skin beneath. Then there’s Rei, completely uninjured and dressed in her uniform, standing along the catwalk in front of me. She stares me down with a pair of deep red orbs.
It’s… a little intimidating, being stared down by, what I remember to be, a fourteen-year-old teen even as a huge mecha.
… Biomecha.
It’s a few minutes of her just… looking at me. Not angry, or annoyed, or cold. Sort of just… curious. Then she walks away stiffly, as if she didn’t just spend the last five minutes staring me down.
I… don’t even really know how to feel about that.
Chapter 2: Day 2
Notes:
A/N: This is just a transitory chapter so don't mind the length.
The plan is the normal chapters are gonna be 1k words, while the more important ones will have a longer length since i'll be putting more effort toward those.
Enjoy and criticize.
Chapter Text
It's… weird, being fixed up as if I were some damn machine with ailing parts and sparking circuitry. Since about… thirty minutes ago? A few dozen scientists and mechanics have gotten around to trying to fix my broken clamp. They scurry about my massive frame, neatly upright in its cage, using their little tools to fix whatever damage I left behind in my outburst; The broken clamp on my jaw, a damaged entry plug after an emergency eject, and various other nicks and scraps that aren't important enough for me to feel.
It still feels wrong to acknowledge what I am. I'm a little more used to it now, but just enough to not have another meltdown, a marked improvement from the day before.
Baby steps.
It sure is boring, though. Boring enough for me to eavesdrop on the mechanics loud conversations, their booming voices enthusiastically reaching one another from beside my massive cyclopian head.
"- Twenty five fucking years, man." One of the mechanics say bitterly, carefully ironing out a small dent over my shoulder, "It's weird that, even during the end of the world as we know it, she's still focused on trying to ruin my life."
"Hey, man. At least you don't gotta pay child support like those stupid gaijins do." The other mechanic consoles, patting the first one of the back, "It's the little victories, ya know?"
"Yeah, I guess…"
Oof, that's rough buddy. It sort of makes me wonder exactly how judicial systems work in this universe. Obviously they wouldn't change so much that people just stop going to jail, but losing such a huge portion of humanity to second impact must have affected law and order in some ways.
I can't exactly check right now, what with my current condition as a oversized monstrosity. One that, for some reason, requires a huge plug to even move. What was it that gave the Eva's infinite energy again?
… I can't remember, fuck.
It's another few hours of listening to gossip about relationships, management, and daily living. It's odd being witness to Japanese culture so directly considering I've only ever been exposed to it through the media. It also makes me wonder how exactly I can understand what they say since I sure as shit don't speak Japanese, nor did I ever plan to.
Something tells me I'll never find out why.
My head is suddenly tilted far to the left by the mechanism attached to the sides of my head, a small click sounding in my neck, by the metal nape.
"You are one creepy son of a bitch. Anyone ever tell you that?" A lone mechanic asks from his vantage on, what I assume to be, a crane. He taps at something only he can see, "Everyone saw you go crazy yesterday. I know we need to fight fire with fire, but god… you did some serious damage."
Not that it was my intention, but you try waking up like this and not go batshit crazy.
"I ain't never heard anything scream like you either." The mechanic says, mostly to himself, "…. But, even though I'm sure you can't really hear me, I still want you to know that… some of us don't care if you're some terrifying beast. We'll all still do our best to make sure you have the best chance of survival out there, so don't worry, you're in the best hands Japan has to offer."
Oh. That was… surprisingly kind of him to say. It makes me wish I could thank him without having to rip my face off to do so.
He chuckles in disbelief at speaking to an inanimate hunk of metal before forcibly tilting my head forward with the same mechanism. The crane holding him slowly brings him back to the catwalk beside me and its careful not to pull too fast lest he gets dropped into the cold metal far below, where dozens of people walk to and fro either on foot or by cart.
A few more hours pass with little to say for it. Mechanics, scientists, and other employees come and go. Some with awed expressions, marveling at the miracle of technology that I am, but also others with suspicious, unsettled looks at a tool that lost control; cases of people not really knowing what to think of me.
Shit, I wouldn't know what to think of me either.
Something catches my - single - eye just ahead on the bridge cutting through the center of my holding. A man to be specific; his loose, black coat slightly flutters from the massive fans installed high above, and the pair of red rimmed glasses he wears glints in the dull gleam of the lamps placed along the bridge he stands on. He just… stands there, not unlike Rei, but his orbs, instead of swirling with curiosity curl with indifference, disappointment, and… surprise? It's a little hard to tell, even with g eyesight being far better than it ever was as a human.
He'd cut an ominous figure if I didn't know exactly who he was, exactly what he represented. A coward and a fool and a rat. A delusional madman hellbent on bringing everyone else around him down for some stupid, useless dream.
Gendo Ikari, everyone. Father of the fucking year.
I wish I could just lift my finger and crush him. Not that it would fix every problem, quite the contrary, but it would make me feel better having about having to indirectly help him and his plan. I'll have to find a way to scrounge out some sort of independence because if I don't make some sort of change, well… I'm going to die, and not in a very pleasant way if I don't grab fate and kick it in the balls.
Suddenly, everything goes dark again, and I lie in wait, wondering.
Wandering.
Thinking.
… About how jarring this is.
Lights are back on and… I'm back in this room.
Again.
Only this time with a few extra precautions in mind: The red fluid cylinders are already opened and prepped for action while the restraints around my shoulders have been extended to cover my entire body; they seem to made of a different material than before.
Smart.
"Reactivation attempt #2 is prepped and ready to go. Entry plug has already been inserted and preliminary diagnostics are being established."
That was… quick. I didn't even feel anything before being woken up. I don't even know what constitutes me waking up, what conditions even apply for me to see.
Do I need to be plugged in?
Is it… will based?
I just don't know.
"Harmonics are… nominal, and overall, average. Her sync rate isn't very high, but it's something." The voice on the intercom says, notably relieved, "Thank god."
So… I'm synced to Rei? I don't feel all that much different from before-
"Good job, Rei." Another, deeper voice interjects, seemingly proud of her accomplishment. Is that… Gendo? "We'll start your training as soon as possible."
… Wait no, I lied. I do feel something. Happiness. It's only a smidgen, but there's enough there for me to notice and not exactly understand. What reason do I have to be happy at his praise? Praise from a megalomaniacal psycho who… who…
… Wait, unless it's not from me, but from from Rei. I'm pretty sure she fucking loves the guy, and since we're still quite far from the beginning of canon, he's the only parental figure she's ever had.
Unless… I can find some way to talk to her. I'm not exactly sure how, but there has to be someway for me to communicate with her directly.
That'll have to wait for another day, though. Everything's going dark again leaving me in the same transitory limbo I've been in the last few times.
I better get used to it because I'm sure it's gonna keep happening, whether I like it or not.
Chapter 3: Day 6: Training
Notes:
A/N: Seriously, it's a shame how so many of the cool weapons in the show didn't have much time to shine.
Enjoy, and criticize.
Chapter Text
It's been a tough few days of just waiting. At first, I thought I could handle an intimate relationship between me, my thoughts and I, but I don't think I can. I'm going nuts being all cooped up in my head. There's only so much thinking you can do about your situation before it becomes redundant. It's also helped me realize that I took a lot of what I had before for granted.
Movies.
Video games.
Family and friends.
Shit, even college.
But you know what I really miss? Food, and the sensations that come with eating it; of enjoying something so much you can't help but want more of it.
The taste of ice cream on a hot day.
Having a big dinner after a long day of work.
Eating out on a lazy weekend.
The warm pride that comes with making a home cooked meal.
All concepts I've had to come to terms with losing… forever. The worst part is I can't even cry about it, and if I could, I sure ain't going through the effort of allowing myself to. It would only make things worse, after all.
Sometime later...
Well, this is a welcome change of pace.
Instead of the grey, metallic walls I've gotten used to seeing for hours on end, a massive city assaults my vision.
Tokyo-3.
A sprawling urban miracle with a seriously sturdy infrastructure; towering skyscrapers pepper the landscape, and lush nature surrounds the perimeter of the mock city. Large pylons jut out in the ground in different sections of the city holding a myriad of weaponry, some ranged and others directly melee focused. The fake sun overhead feels nice, really nice, if a tad artificial. Something about any kind of warmth shining through the small cracks in my armor is comforting. A reminder that I am alive. Sometimes I forget since I'm usually numb to everything.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
"Training session #1 is a go, Ayanami. We're gonna try and get you to move around before we do anything more complex." The same voice on the intercom explains, only this time much louder than before. Whether it's an internal radio or an actual speaker, I'm not sure, "Try lifting your hand to start."
Ever so slowly, and without volition, my hands begin to rise from their position hanging loosely by my sides, as if I were a meat suit being puppeted by some higher force. It's not a complete loss of control like I expected as I'm sure I could take back the reins when I wish, but it's still jarring to be pulled along a string.
It's about an hour of getting Rei acclimated to moving around before we do anything worthwhile, and by that, I mean getting to the cool shit; the guns. The big boys. The tank busters. The one thing I can actually look forward to.
"Okay, Ayanami. We're going to start you off with something small so as to not overwhelm you." A different voice says, this time male. A large pylon emerges beside me, from the floor below, before opening up into a large, layered knife with a retractable handle, "This is a progressive knife. It vibrates at a high enough frequency to shred anything at a molecular level making it a reliable tool against most enemies. Unfortunately, due to your units nature as a prototype the pylons that carry the weapon haven't been retrofitted onto it yet, so you'll have to make do with whatever is on hand."
She holds the handle carefully, testing her grip on it before testing out a few slicing motions, slightly pulling on the power feed attached to me. Unfortunately, her movements come out slow and lethargic, as if bogged down by a layer of dense tar.
The way I prefer to see it, based on how it feels, is to compare it to lag or a sort of input delay. Since her sync rate is likely lower than the average, every movement she makes me take has a delay of at least a few seconds - significantly bogging down the effectiveness of her control over my colossal body; pair that with gravity, stress and a healthy dose of inexperience, and you've got a recipe for disaster until those sync rates rise to more acceptable levels.
In layman's terms: She's got crazy high ping.
"This is… a little worse than we expected."
A ping of annoyance blossoms in my chest before being blotted out by indifference again.
Whoever is on the mic must have some serious foot-in-the-mouth syndrome. Talk about a lack of tact. A minor scuffle seems to ensue over the comms and after a few minutes, a new voice takes over with a much peppier and enthusiastic tone than the person before.
"Don't mind him, Rei, he just got off the wrong side of the bed this morning. You're doing a great job!" The new voice corrects, the sound of computer keys loudly clacking in the background, "For now, though, we're going to leave training with the progressive knife for later. You can put it back and head up to the next pylon."
There's a silent acknowledgment in the emotional bleed through.
Rei pulls me along cautiously, and after a few minutes of my metal feet being loudly dragged along the metallic pavement, we arrive at the next pylon with a massive rifle - etched in palates of grey and green - wedged in the center. She grabs it and stows my finger just outside the range of the trigger, demonstrating a surprising amount of trigger discipline.
"This is a pallet rifle, one of the basic weapons you'll have access to on the field. It has 209mm rounds and shoots 10 to 20 canisters of deeply penetrating bullets per second. Be very careful with the recoil as it may or may not have a kick to it."
Just up ahead, a massive wooden cutout shoots out the ground with several targets painted over it.
"Let em have it, Rei."
Rei adjusts my arms around the rifle, skillfully placing the stock just below my arm before hugging it to my chest in an effort to control the recoil. She edges my finger over the trigger, holding herself back for a moment before pulling confidently; The barrel erupts in an explosion of smoke and gunpowder sending dozens of massive bullets tearing through the head of the cutout with ease. The recoil isn't anywhere near as bad as I expected to be, seemingly tempered by the oversized muzzle brake placed over the red-hot barrel.
…. This is really cool, though, cool enough for me to able to stomach this whole situation a little more easily. After all,… who the hell wouldn't want to shoot a massive gun?
"Okay, stop!" The voice commands, and Rei quickly pulls her finger off the trigger. Clumps of black smoke waft off the tip of the smoldering barrel, "Great job, Rei. You really didn't show em any mercy, huh?"
She did not. There isn't much left of the wooden carving apart from its remains.
"… I only followed orders."
Was that… Rei?
How the hell can I hear her so clearly?
It's as if she were right next to me…
"I know, I know. I'm just sayin' you should enjoy this while you can. There's no stress, and we're all learning as we go without having to deal with any… external factors."
I'm feeling nothing but indifference. Says more than words can.
"… Yes ma'am."
"Rei, I already told you: Stop calling me ma'am. It makes me feel older than I already am."
"… Yes ma'am."
Rei don't give a fuck.
The voice grumbles, before guiding Rei through the next few batches of EVA built weaponry including: The smash hawk; A colossal halberd capable of slicing most things in half with its sonic edge. The Raijin: A handgun retrofitted with both extreme stopping power and recoil akin to a donkey kick
And, in my opinion, the coolest weapon we have at our disposal.
The lighting pheasant: a gigantic bolt action sniper rifle with rounds so thick they could probably pierce a hole through the planet with little difficulty. It's some serious firepower made against some serious bullshit, so who knows if it'll be as effective as it seems.
Rei cocks back the chamber with the bolt handle, discarding the used round before inserting a fresh one back into it, sealing the chamber shut with a satisfying click.
"Great job as usual, Rei. We're gonna do one last test before calling it a day. Does that sound good to you?"
"… Yes." Rei intones dryly, only slightly winded from the whole ordeal. She doesn't seem to care whether or not they stop now or later, "… What do you need me to do?"
"Could you pull up your A.T field for me? The trigger should be somewhere inside your plug." It takes Rei a moment, but she finds it, somehow materializing an orange, octagonal field around us. It ripples like the ocean, but shimmers shakily, as if it were having difficulty staying up without extreme effort on its part.
It feels… odd, like a thin film over my skin.
"Perfect. We're just going to test some suppressive fire on it to gauge its strength. Don't panic."
The holographic skyscrapers disappear, replaced by triple barreled turrets that gleam in the light of the artificial sun far above. The barrels slowly begin to spin before releasing a veritable wave of smoldering bullets primed to cause some serious damage. They crash into the field, stubbornly attempting to pierce the octagonal field with surprisingly little success; even with the concerning flickers and shakes crackling across the transparent shield.
"… Huh. Your… A.T field held somehow, even with such a low sync rate. Congrats Rei, you're a natural at this!"
A small snip of pride. Not a lot, barely more than a smidgen, but it's still there, and still tangible. It's something to work with, not a lot, but just enough for me to grasp onto to. Now, if only I could figure out how to actually say anything to her…
Chapter 4: Day 14: Angel Attack pt.1
Notes:
A/N: Sorry for the delay, guys. I've started taking my time with chapters since I want them to come out as good as they can, so this chapter was delayed a bit because of that.
Enjoy and criticize or I'll go to ur house and steal all ur food.
Chapter Text
Boom!
"… One."
Boom!
"… Two."
Boom!
"… Three."
That's every target hit with undeniable accuracy.
Rei cocks back the chamber, pulling a bolt from the rack beside us before inserting it into the now empty slot. Smoke lazily floats off the barrels inner rifling, and the scent of charred gunpowder wafts around us, barely registering on my muted olfactory senses.
"You've been acclimating very quickly, Ayanami. Impressive. " The voice congratulates, clinical but still genuinely impressed. This one recently replaced the other much more positive one, and though she clearly has much more experience in terms of general knowledge and technological know how, she's also significantly colder, markedly unconcerned with lending words of encouragement. It's as if her job wasn't anything more than that…
An obligation.
"… Thank you, Dr. Akagi." Rei responds with the same dryness she always does. Her voice, somehow, always stays level; almost always failing to show any change in pitch or tone. The only time that changes is whenever she speaks to Gendo, but even then it's only minuscule, "How much has my sync rate improved?"
"It's gone up a several points. When we first began you were at about 30 percent, while now you're at 35."
"… Hmm."
Hmm indeed. I'm not exactly sure how much of a difference that five percent makes, but I know I've been feeling something this past week.
During those moments of downtime when I'm not being controlled by Rei or being poked and prodded by the brainiac'sof NERV HQ, I get these… visions; flashes of another life in momentary lapses.
Sometimes, I see myself standing in a lush green field surrounded by trees and the sound of nature, unceasing.
Other times I'm standing by an empty road without a single soul in sight, the real sun glaring at me from millions of light years away.
One time I was laying in a bed looking up at a plain, black ceiling, a barely functioning fan whirling loudly from above.
It's like i'm there yet not at the same time, living out two perspectives, both equally as numb and miserable and quiet as the other. I can only observe, watch, not feel or experience or influence like a regular human can and could. Not that Rei is a regular human, but…
"Either way, that should be all for today. You've shown immediate understanding of the Tokyo - 3s innate choke points, ambush locations, and weapon storage. You also seemed to have grasped every weapons function; stalling, not killing. It's not a guarantee you'll damage a proper angel with the weaponry afforded to you, but you can at least slow them down. Its best you recognized that now rather than later."
Since a week ago, yes, Rei has improved significantly. It's not that she was terrible at handling EVA weaponry, but a few days of proper practice have done her accuracy and handling wonders. Recoil is also a non-issue now since, without her notice, I always slightly adjust her stance so she isn't surprised by any unexpected kickback.
Thankfully, she hasn't noticed.
… I think.
"If today's session is over, may I leave?" Rei asks.
"Give us a few moments to transfer you to the catwalk. Once we've taken a look at Unit - 00's diagnostics you may leave."
It definitely takes longer than a few moments to move me over to the sea of red i'm usually suspended in, a plethora of security measures secured around me.
Most times, after a few hours of heavy training I tend to get overheated which is unbearably uncomfortable, so as to circumvent that they usually place me in this sort of cryogenic coolant; it's cold to the touch and immediately relieves the discomfort, but no more than that. It's neither pleasant nor disquieting to float around in.
It's just… there, all around me… A bloody sea.
I observe the pair on the metal catwalk beside me, one with a happy smile and the other with a fake, pasty grin plastered over his tanned skin. They converse casually, speaking of simpler things; their days, how they are, and how proud he is of her.
Hmph.
As if the pride of an empty shell was worth anything.
Stupid fucking liar.
Faker.
Deceiver.
A living mask that needs a reminder.
A reminder that he's still very much human.
With the last bits of power still coursing through my metal frame, I quickly knock into the metal bridge with the rim of my shoulder, shaking it and sending Gendo flying off the edge and into the deep red lake below. He lands with a quiet splash, and comes back up with such an uncharacteristic look of befuddlement and confusion that everyone around us, sans Rei who hangs over the railing in concern, try their absolute best to hold in bursts of gut busting laughter.
Say that was a part of your scenario, jackass.
Ring!
Ring!
Ring!
"Pattern blue, I repeat we have a pattern blue! Everyone to their stations!" Wait, what the hell is a pattern blue again? "Unidentified object is approaching!"
… Oh, that's what it is.
Crap.
The ear piercing alarm blares across the vested halls of NERV HQ, a disturbing sound letting everyone know that things have truly begun. The beginning of the end. The depression simulator. The literal reshaping of the universe as we know it.
I didn't think this would be happening so soon. I… I'm not ready to be placed in a situation like this yet, it's too soon.
"Prepare Unit-00 for launch until we get approval! I repeat, prepare Unit-00 for launch until we are properly confirmed to take action!"
Oh god!
Oh god!
Oh god!
"Roger! Lock down bolts one and two being released!"
The large pair of metal clamps holding my shoulders up are quickly loosened, the bolts tying them together having been unthreaded by an internal, automated mechanism. The other clamp, the one tying my legs together, is also unthreaded, leaving me to stand freely over the submerged trolley. I am then magnetically attached before being lifted onto the ascending platform behind me.
"Umbilical bridge is being retracted! Internal battery is fully charged and ready for a fight!"
The massive catwalk in front, and beside me are slowly pulled out the way, jolts of electricity flowing through the gears, wheels, screws, and tubes the bridge is attached to. Dozens of NERV employees scramble off the platform and to their stations, clearly shaken at the thought of an actual Angel possibly coming to attack.
I'm not ready for this at all! You would not believe how fucking scared I am of this. I don't care that I'm feeling like more of an absolute coward than I ever have, this is the worst fear I've ever felt in my life. Why isn't Shinji here?
When did Gendo approve this? I thought he needed Unit-01-
"Transporting Unit-00 to launch bay! Also, someone get the commander a towel! He probably needs it…"
My panicking psyche is interrupted by my body being shifted across the base with a system of pulleys and whirling mechanism, my frame still dripping with deep red fluids. The gates open into sections of the facility I've never seen.
Weapon and ammo production. R&D for alternative sources of power. The MAGI in all it's freaky glory. Seriously, who the hell thought building an AI over sections of someones brain was in any way ethical?
… Stupid question. This is NERV we're talking about. Gendo and his buddy Fuyutsuki threw out whatever morals they had long ago.
I end up in a massive shaft cut into the shape of an open column, otherwise known as the launch bay; An absolutely gargantuan hall demonstrating just how much of an industrial titan NERV really is.
"Awaiting further orders!"
… I guess all I can do is wait, for now, and hope Shinji arrives in time. I'm sure I- we can take that… thing, but it doesn't mean I want to.
It's like getting into a fight as a human. You could do it and you'd be capable of winning, but majority of the time you're gonna wanna avoid it because street fights have no rules. Just like this fight coming up. It's unpredictable and foreign; an abomination of nature like me. Only, this thing has no qualms with ending me at a moments notice, and is completely in tune with itself, unlike me.
It's a difficult pill to swallow, being forced to put my life on the line.
"… I know there is something here with me." Rei says suddenly, still dry as ever.
… What.
"I noticed you before, but I didn't think it pertinent until you pushed Commander Ikari off the bridge."
Oh. I…. guess I wasn't as subtle as I thought I was.
"Please refrain from endangering the life of our commander because you do not like him."
… Is the emotional bleed through a two way street? Because if so, this whole conversation makes a whole lot more sense. And no, I will not refrain from doing so again either. He deserves every bit of it. If anything, that little love tap was too good for him. I should have shoved him off myself.
"…"
I don't know if she can hear me, but I hope at least the sentiment came through.
"Full authority has been granted! Launch the EVA!"
Wait, wha-
The transport platform cuts me off, sending me up through the shaft at such a blistering speed I'm barley capable of forming a coherent thought until suddenly stopping, the whiplash sending a full body tremble through my biomechanical chassis.
I sure am lucky I don't got anything to puke up.
"It's almost at the Geofront! Get into position before it arrives! We're not completely sure of its capabilities but it's best to assume we're at a disadvantage. Be smart. Be tactical. This won't be like the simulations. We're all counting on you."
"Roger." Rei responds, quickly taking the Lightning Pheasant hanging on the pylon beside her before pulling me toward a viable piece of cover until the enemy arrives. It's dark, creeping threads of moonlight shining along the surface of my metallic frame. The only visible light comes from the warm glow of my single, red orb focusing on every visible entry point into the city, my hands tightly gripping the large base of the rifle.
It's also quiet, uncomfortably so. Not a single sound echoing across the heavily industrialized city of Tokyo-3.
… Until the floor trembles, loud footfalls traveling with single minded focus toward our location. Toward the Geofront. Towards the last - supposed - bastion of humanity.
Fuck.
Well, it's now… or never.
Chapter 5: Day 14: Angel Attack pt.2
Notes:
A/N: Y'all enjoy now. This chapter is a teensy bit shorter, but it was quite fun to write.
Chapter Text
Rei softly rubs the Rifles trigger before stepping out of cover, fully exposing us to the inhuman beast casually strolling through the streets of barren Tokyo, craters left behind in its wake.
It stops, curiosity dancing along the dark pits engraved over its birdlike face. Boney pauldrons stick to its abyssal skin like a stubborn cancer, and the red core wedged deep into its exposed ribbing glows maliciously. It's lengthy claws twitch, the sharp tips dripping with oil and metal and blood.
It cares not for pleasantries, that's for sure.
She pulls the trigger, and the flaming bolt that flies out the red-hot barrel rams into the Angels own AT field. The colossal bullet struggles against the transparent barrier, seeming to make some headway through the shield before exploding into a hail of metal shrapnel.
We dodge out the way of the flying metal, several pieces wedging themselves into the building we take cover behind.
Shit! The rifle didn't do anything! Not even slow it down…
Rei taps into her comm link, failing to hide the slight apprehension in her voice, "Weapon ineffective. Attempting a different angle before engaging in close quarters combat."
"Be careful. You only have power while that feed is in contact, after that, only five minutes."
"Understood."
We slide out of cover and head around the building, crouching toward another high rise where we can take more potshots at the Angel without it getting a read on our position. As long as we can catch it off guard-
Boom!
A massive beam of blistering light suddenly blocks our path, the buildings around it melting from the extreme heat emanating from its advent.
Rei looks up, seeing the Third Angel floating above us with its claws outstretched, primed and ready for another attack. In a moment of pure instinct, I take the reins and jump back - with my hands still tightly held around the rifle - before the ground below us explodes into another pillar of heavenly starlight. My metal backside grinds along the stony streets, uprooting large chunks of road before I quickly stand and allow Rei to take the reins once more. I take the small burst of gratitude from her in stride.
We play tag with death for another minute, the light pillars quickly burning away any usable forms of cover before we can properly catch it off guard.
It's… oddly smart, as if it were somehow predicting the path we're going to take before we actually take it. I didn't think they could conceptualize more than just their instinct to start the third impact; a catastrophe that's sure to result in the death of the rest of humanity.
She- no, we can't have that. If there's one thing I can do at this present moment, at this exact period in time, it's to protect the rest of humanity from absolute annihilation.
We roll out the way of another one of its attacks and dash across the open road, taking shots at the monsters still levitating form, empty rounds flying out the chamber until clicking loudly, its death siren. We toss it aside and it lands with a loud crash.
Looks like we really have no choice, now. Time to get up close and personal.
A cloud of smoke obscures the Angels form, the smell of burning gunpowder now registering strongly on my senses. It smells awful; like burnt rubber slowly melting over a cast iron.
"Keep the Angel in your sight line! Don't-"
The major's voice is cut off by the Angels gangly stature flying through the smoke toward us, its right bicep having ballooned thrice its size. Rei barely manages to materialize a flimsy AT field before it slams its engorged appendage against the shield, ripping through it like paper mâché and crashing into me with the force of a mini nuke.
The impact sends me- us flying across the ruined city and into a pile of rubble with a loud crash, the sharp rocks painfully jutting into the small chinks peppered along sections of my armor, squelching nastily.
"Ah!" Rei yelps, a small portion of my pain transferring to her.
Agony lances across my chest in sharp, tilted waves, burning distinctly. A lingering sting that won't go away no matter how much I wish it did.
I- we look down, and a large stream of blood oozes down the crack in my now exposed torso, massive organs peeking out from inside.
Then pain, blinding pain like millions of flaming pins stabbing into every inch of my skin. A mass deluge of light obscuring my vision and covering my body, scalding like acid. My fingers, my face, my skin- everything flares up in absolute agony, the pain incomparable to anything I've ever felt, or ever will feel.
Smelted iron pressed on pasty skin, nerves, blood, and arteries giving way to an excruciating burn.
"Rei! Rei… yo…. okay?! Ca… he…. me?!" The major's signal is poor, her voice blurry and barely audible, "Rei!"
Rei has gone completely silent.
A siren rings in my ear, a dull throb spreading from tip to tip. The only feedback I get from her is quiet acceptance. As if the thought, the very concept of dying didn't particularly bother her.
No, there's something else there, too.
… Disappointment. At herself; that she couldn't do it; that she's a failure.
A waste.
Worthless.
Useless.
That I deserve this-
Shut up.
… But I failed.
Not while I can still move.
The throbbing pain stops suddenly, and my mind clears, feeling better and more coherent than it's ever been. Bursts of power flow through me, and a shot of pure determination shoots me back to my feet.
My arms hang loosely by my side, fingers twitching sporadically. My still melting armor sizzles, molten iron sloughing off in droves exposing small patches of burnt skin beneath.
Everything feels… itchy. And confined. I feel uncomfortable. My mouth… it's too tight.
Way too tight.
I wedge my fingers into my jaw and pull it loose from its unnecessary confinement, relishing in the fresh air now flowing into my open mouth. I slide my tongue over my teeth, absently noting the small grooves over the metal coating my protruding enamel.
They taste of bitter iron, a painful reminder.
"Sync rate… rising…!"
A burst of light taps into my shield, my soul, and I look up, barely holding back the tide of mind splitting rage at the sight of the Sachiel; the third angel; the weakest of its brethren, yet still so capable of destruction.
How… ugly.
I want it dead.
I dash toward it, crashing through its own AT field with little resistance before tackling it to the ground in a crumpled heap. It vainly struggles, attempting to shoot another beam of blistering light before I rip its arm off, the offending appendage crashing into the building beside us.
A large trail of black tar oozes from its stump, yet it barely reacts, as if pain were some foreign concept it could muster up the effort to learn.
I rip off its other arm and cave in the right side of what it calls a head with a loud crunch - a river of the same tar from before flowing from its wounds - and it holds its expression in some facsimile of contempt and hatred and resentment for what I represent; a blockade preventing annihilation, that which it was made for.
Die.
I twist off its left leg, crushing it into a pile boneless mush.
Die.
I tear off its other leg, ripping it into limp pieces, leaving the beast an armless and legless abomination. A fitting look.
I look at its glowing red core, and wrap my iron grip around it, grinning crookedly at the cracks beginning to run down its glassy surface-
diediediediediedieideideideidiedie-
The husk quickly wraps itself around me, dark skin stretching to fully encompass my half-melted body before exploding in a ball of molten heat and death, enshrouding the city in a cloud smoldering flame.
I fall to my knees, smoke rising off my charred corpse, before falling into a heap, powerless to do anything.
This time, of all times, everything truly goes dark.
But at least the worst has passed, for now.
Chapter 6: Day 16-17: Quiet Aftermath
Notes:
A/N: This chapter may feel a little jarring on a first read through. Just bear with me guys.
Please let me know if anything seems off. I'm not as experienced writing Rei as I'd like to be.
Chapter Text
White skies.
Checkered vents.
The distinct smell of antiseptic seeping into the bleached walls.
A heart monitor beeps rhythmically, consistently; with not a single sound seeming out of place. An IV drips continuously, droplets of nourishing saline being pumped through alabaster skin.
Two perspectives, one coated in a thick layer of smog and dark, awareness teetering, and the other a hospital room, empty and cold with the sound life slowly regaining its footing.
Rei looks at her hand with muted curiosity, tapping at the small burns peppered along the rim of her palm.
"I… feel you." She says, lips moving with purpose and efficiency, "How?"
I speak, yet also not.
I don't know.
"You don't know?"
No more than you do. Last thing I remember was defeating the Angel before everything went dark.
An abyss with no end in sight. No thoughts, no feelings, just… plain existence, which was neither miserable nor pleasant.
"Hmm." She whispers to herself, trying to adjust her head over the stiff pillow cushioning it, "I see."
You believe me?
"I don't see a reason not to. You have saved my life twice; that obliges you a modicum of trust."
… Okay.
Rei responds with a hum, putting down her bandaged hand before laying it on the soft linen. She stares listlessly at the ceiling, not a nurse or doctor in sight.
Why do you care about the commander so much?
She turns her head to the window a few feet beside her with its blinds closed. Sunlight peeks out from the gap between the cloth, bathing small sections of the room in a golden glow, "He is everything to me."
Why?
"Because he was there when no one else could be."
… Being there for you because no one else can does not make him a good man.
She clenches her hands in sudden anger, bandages crinkling with splotches of dried blood, "Don't speak as if you have the right to judge him."
I'm not judgin' him.
"You are."
…
"…"
It's quiet for a few moments.
Are you going to tell him about me?
She thinks about it for another moment, the ventilation bursting to life above. A cold breeze slices across the room.
"No." She says quietly, "I find that your presence is… far less disconcerting than it should be."
… That's good. I don't want to scare anyone, least of all you.
"Mmm." She affirms, starting to doze off, still worn from the fight a few days ago, "Thank you."
For what?
"For fighting to survive alongside me. There is something admirable in that." She responds, turning to look at the door as if waiting for someone, before falling asleep.
She does not snore, and her breathing is soft and quiet, completely engrossed in a rare moment of true peace.
… You're welcome.
One day later…
"-Otherwise, you should be good to head home. Do you want us to escort you out?"
Rei shakes her head, mind already set, "No thank you. I will be fine on my own."
The Nurses wizened features twist in concern, not liking the idea of letting her go out alone, but unfortunately, not having the means to do much about it. She stares at Rei for a few seconds before stepping out of the way, a blast of cold air pushing its way into the room, "If you wish. Please take it easy."
She wants to help. Let her.
I do not need her help.
Fine.
Rei nods, having already dressed into her uniform ten minutes ago. She walks past the Nurse before stopping as said Nurse calls out to her, lightly tapping at the blue ledger in her hand.
"And, um… thank you, for putting your life on the line for us. I'm sure it wasn't easy." She says, the wrinkles on her face giving way to a gracious smile, "Many of us are grateful. Truly."
Something unfamiliar bubbles in Rei's chest, and she nods back to the Nurse in soft acknowledgment before continuing down the colorless corridor.
Is this… pride, I'm feeling?
"No."
Really? Then what would you call it?
"Unless you have something important to say, please refrain from speaking." She responds, ignoring the question entirely. Her footsteps echo off the claustrophobic hallway, the same checkered pattern over the walls as in the room.
Okay, okay… geez.
We walk out of the hospital, and I reflect on the new situation I've been plugged into. One which... I'm not exactly sure how to describe.
It's like living two lives at the same time with control still ripped out from under me. One is nothingness, and the other is as an observer, spectating the life of someone who doesn't really know how to live.
The entire time in the hospital she either stared at the ceiling or slept. She didn't turn on the TV. She didn't make conversation with the Nurses. She didn't even react when they took blood or had to switch her IV. She just… waited, for nothing. No one came to see her, not even her 'beloved' commander - which is sad, devastatingly so.
Life without love is not a life worth living, after all.
I don't even know where to begin to help her, but I want to try. If not for some misguided effort to provide happiness to someone who's never really known it, then to at least dedicate myself to something that feels important - important enough to stay sane. Because otherwise, what reason do I have to live in this world?
She walks the streets like a ghost, eyes set in single minded focus, and pass by several stores in varying condition. Some are well kept and notably maintained while others, left to rot by their owners, are slowly broken down by nature.
Arcades, with a few kids running around inside yelling about who knows what. Department stores with small groups of people walking around and carrying food, flowers, shoes, clothes, etc. 100-yen stores; the equivalent of a Japanese dollar store, and a few - mostly empty - shrines.
Some people, primarily older individuals, throw a five-yen coin into the small offering box stored inside before clapping twice and bowing. Then, they stand in silence with their hands clasped in prayer, hoping for good fortune in the upcoming future.
The unfortunate reality is that things will only get worse - much worse than they already are.
I guess in times like these, praying is a small comfort.
"Hmm." Rei hums, still trekking along the silent streets, "I don't partake in such rituals myself."
Why not?
"I feel nothing when praying to beings that do not exist."
Does the presence of Angels not make you believe that something exists out there?
"No, they do not. Angels are not gods. They are not infallible or invincible. We have proven that."
Just because they can die doesn't mean that presence of higher powers is out of the picture.
"If there were higher powers, then why would I pray to beings that have allowed this to happen?" She refutes, making a sharp turn to the left into a dingy alley leading to a few empty apartment complexes, somehow even quieter than the open streets before us.
Because it's not about expecting these gods to do something about our problems. It's about hope.
"… Perhaps."
She continues down the street in silence.
In a world like this, everyone needs all the hope they can get. Whether or not it's realistic or plausible doesn't matter, just as long as it helps; helps get through the day, through the week, and through the year.
If we even have that long.
Fifteen minutes later…
Rei arrives to her apartment, rolling the silver key in her palm before unlocking the door to her small abode.
The room is black and bereft of personality.
An unmade bed is wedged into a dusty corner of the room, and an old lamppost and pair of cabinets are haphazardly placed beside it; a mountain of plain white clothing fills the drawers, the top one overflowing with something I have no business looking at. A laundry machine is placed beside the bathroom, and a few cups and pill bottles are knocked over the dirty cloth placed on top the ceramic washer.
The weirdest part of the itis the metal chair placed in the center of the room with no discernible reason.
It's just… there.
She flicks the switch placed by the door and the loose fan hanging overhead whirls to life, flecks of dust flying off its aged blades. She pulls on the short chain attached to the bulb beneath the fan, and a flickering light bathes the room in a weak incandescence.
It's cold. Not in sensation - since I can't feel it, not literally - but feeling. Not an ounce of care in this room. It has furniture and things inside, but only out of necessity, not volition.
… This isn't much of a home.
"It does not need to be."
Yes, it does. This is the saddest apartment I've ever seen. You shouldn't be living in this.
She lays her bag on the bed beside her and grabs the large paper worksheet placed neatly on her cabinet, carefully eyeing the assignments.
"…"
Are you ignoring me?
She pulls up a table and the metal chair, sharpening one of the pencils on the table with a filed blade, "Yes."
… Fuckin' fantastic.
Chapter 7: Day 23-24: Status Quo
Notes:
A/N: Honestly, I think I might start posting weekly like I'm already doing. I ain't postin' every few days, that's for sure.
Enjoy and criticize.
Chapter Text
The void clears, and I can finally see after what feels like days of crawling through an endless abyss, my other perspective closes with a quiet blip.
I look around the same cage I'm always in, held together by broken nails and iron and dreams of freedom. A small row of lights along the metal walls illuminate my cage, but only just. The restraint system I've - regretfully - become accustomed to stabs into every hanging limb, along every crossed wire, keeping me stiff, paralyzed, and numb; that same muted awareness I've come to loathe.
Sometimes, it feels like a nightmare I can't wake from, then I remember it's my reality.
Charred flecks of dead skin flake off, and itches I can't begin to relieve crop up along my arms and legs and chunks of melted and long metal cling painfully to my patchy skin. Soiled bandages cover up my still exposed midsection and a small bulge protrudes from where my organs try to spill out in a rank demonstration of my injuries.
My malformed helmet hangs off to the side attached to large chain, mostly unrecognizable save for the single cyclopean orb stuck to the front having a massive crack running down the middle. It looks at me, at what lies beneath its mask in abject disgust, judging silently. Hating me, cursing me for the sorry sight I am.
What have I done to deserve this?
To be alone, to contend with myself without a single ounce of love and care from anything or anyone around me. A solitary machine forced to stew in a boiling pot of thoughts and desires that he- it can't even begin to achieve. Because that's what I am… An it, weighed down by the mountain of dirt piled on my sarcophagus.
Another pair of lights comes to life beside me, inside one of the many rooms behind Nervs layered landscape; a small office space, complete with computers, some furnishings, a smattering of cat figurines and an ashtray chock full of burnt-out cigarettes.
And a familiar lady.
What was her name?
… Dr. Akagi.
Ritsuko Akagi.
Still weird seeing any one of these characters being, well, real. Drawings and images come to life as living, breathing humans with aspirations and dreams. Without the ear-splitting panic from the first time, I can get a proper look at her, and as I do, she seems more real than anything I've seen since I got here.
Her eyes seem… tired, large bags weighing down her half-lidded gaze like a pair of hefty dumbbells. The tips of her golden hair waft in the air-conditioned room, and flecks of burnt tobacco float off the tip of her smoldering cigarette. Her chin is bent down toward the glowing computer, and her back is hunched in an absolutely deadly display of poor posture. Small wrinkles coat the edges of her unhealthily pale skin, and her tattered lab coat hangs off her slouching frame, erasing any air of professionally she might have had.
Without all the bullshit, this is who she really is: A smart, tired, and sad woman infatuated with a man that does not love or care for her.
Just another life he had no issue ruining because of his obsession.
My fingers twitch in a familiar burst of impotent rage, but no more than that, control just out of my grasp.
Ritsuko looks at her computer more carefully, eyes following a set of harmonics blaring on the screen in front her. She turns to me, eyes narrowed, before standing and watching me with that half-lidded gaze of hers.
My finger twitches again, and this time, she catches the movement, her suspicion evaporating into surprise. Surprise… then fear.
She was there when I went berserk. She must have seen me rip Sachiel into pieces. She can see me now without my mask, a monstrosity. It's unfortunate, her face being the last thing I see before everything goes dark.
The sound of cicadas chirping loudly in the background, exacerbated by the gloom of a cloudy morning. Leaves and twigs floating around with the breeze.
It looks like it's gonna rain.
"…"
Rei ignores me as usual, content to make her way to school in silence.
Did you bring an Umbrella?
"No."
Why not?
"I don't care for the rain."
But if it rains you might catch a cold.
Her eyes trail along the schools nearly empty lot, a severe lack of employee cars present in most of the reserved parking. Probably because of the Angel attack.
"I do not get sick."
You sure?
"Yes."
Well… okay. If that's what you want.
"It does not matter what I want."
I-okay, fine. You know you can just say you didn't want to bring an Umbrella, right?
Christ, she's so frustrating sometimes- scratch that, all the damn time. It's like talking to brick wall that lives and breathes tactlessness and indifference.
"Yes." She responds with same dryness she usually does.
What a hassle.
"-And so, this is how humanity faced its greatest ordeal. The second impact; a meteor with unbelievably high mass and density crashing into Antarctica, melting the ice caps, razing all wildlife from its home, and causing an untold number of catastrophes around the world." The mousy old professor drones, his soft voice struggling to reach most of the room.
Rei looks out the window beside her seat at the end of the room, her head hanging loosely on her outstretched palm. She looks out to the trees and clouds, the winds deafening howls starting to pick up steam.
… You seem bored.
"Mm." She affirms, her eyes catching a family of cats moving along the parking lot. One of the adults, presumably the female, carefully leads her pack of kittens down the windy lot, making sure to keep every single one close and secure so they don't go flying from the strengthening wind. The second adult cat, probably the male, is a bit farther back, nervously eyeing the exit to their shoddy little hole in a wall.
The female cat stops, holding back her small troupe of kittens before meowing toward her mate, panicked, almost as if she were urging him forward.
He meows again in response, slowly slinking back into the dark hole they came out of before disappearing entirely, abandoning the small group still staring a few feet ahead.
The female takes a moment to collect herself, continuing forward with her kittens before stepping out of sight completely.
Coward.
"… Why?" She asks, suddenly curious.
A few of the students sitting near her tilt their head in her direction before turning back to the professor.
He was too scared to take a risk for his family, so he stayed behind. That's what cowards do.
She contemplates my words for a moment before speaking, an almost knowing tone in her voice, "… You speak as if you know of these things yourself. It's very… human."
… Not anymore, I'm not.
"What do you mean?"
Nothing, just pay attention to your teacher. I'm rambling.
A small radio accompanied by the sound of rain pattering outside.
Looks like the clouds weren't kidding after all.
"Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars~"
Frank Sinatra being smooth as butter once again. I wish I appreciated his music more back when I had the opportunity to.
… You have good taste in music, Rei.
"I did not pick any specific channel. This song came on by chance."
"Let me see what spring is like on… Jupiter and Mars~"
That doesn't make it any less enjoyable, does it?
"Though, it is… pleasant enough, I suppose. Unfortunately, I can't understand it." She says, gaze still focused on the rain pattering outside. The small drainpipe attached to the side of the ratty building shakes, a consistent stream of rainwater flowing from its exit, "The rain is more enjoyable because of it."
"In other words, hold my hand~."
"In other words, baby, kiss me~."
She's not wrong. Something about the pleasant din of the rainwater alongside Frank Sinatra's rumbling baritone is just… nice. Really nice.
The song speaks of the moon, and the singers undying love and adoration for another. A tale as old as time itself.
"You often speak of it."
Of what?
"Love."
… Yeah, I do.
"Fill my heart with song~"
"And let me sing for ever more~"
"What is it to you?"
Love?
"Yes." She affirms, sipping on a small glass of filtered water. She swirls her ramen distractedly, her chopsticks clinking against the ceramic bowl, "What is it to you?"
… It's difficult to give love a definition since everyone has a different concept of it. For me, i'd say it's… how far you would go for someone. When you love someone, truly love them, you'd be willing to do things you wouldn't, otherwise.
"But why…?"
To make them happy. To see them smile. To cheer them up. It's something you just don't come back from.
"You are all I long for~"
"All I worship, and adore~"
"… I see."
What about you?
"I don't have an… exact definition. The concept is still wholly unfamiliar to me."
I hum, my voice, thoughts and intentions reverberating across an empty soundscape.
What about the commander, then? Do you love him?
"In other words, please be true…"
"In other words, I love you~"
"… Yes."
Because of my definition, or yours?
The rain stops, a thread of sunlight peeking through the widening clouds. The incandescent glow starts to bleed through the window before Rei closes the blinds, bathing the apartment in the dark gloom once again.
"… I do not know."
Chapter 8: Day 31-34: Third Child
Notes:
I’m tired boss. I need to sleep, dear lord.
Criticize if ya want or something. I’m too tired to fix any tiny grammar errors.
Enjoy.
Chapter Text
Day 31
He's mousier than I expected him to be.
A crop of messy brown hair curls from atop his head, and a faintly masculine face lies alongside a small, pointy chin. His thin cheeks still sport bits of baby fat, and the dress shirt he wears fits him like a loose glove, his thin frame doing little to fill out the gaps in his clothing.
He looks like his father.
That's Ikari's kid, right?
"Commander Ikari."
What?
"It is Commander Ikari. He is our superior, so use his title correctly." Rei corrects, her gaze turning back to the window beside her. "And yes, that is his son. What about him?"
Kid's been here a few weeks and you haven't bothered talking to him. He seems about as lonely as you do.
"… I am not lonely." She whispers, her voice taking on a defensive edge. The other students shoot her a quick glance before turning away. They've long acclimated to her oddities. "I prefer to keep to myself."
Sure ya do. Besides, he's the Commander's son. Don't you think he would want you to try and make friends with him?
God, that's an even bigger lie than her not being lonely. The only thing Gendo was good for was making Shinji in the first place. It's a travesty his unwillingness to talk about his problems extended to his son, as well. Then again, that might have just come from being abandoned at a young age — which would fuck anyone up.
How could you trust anyone if your own flesh and blood — your father, betrayed you?
"No."
Well, shit. She didn't fall for the bait. Time for Plan B, then.
You're gonna be stuck with him for the next half hour cleaning the class. It's not like you have anything better to do.
"I do have better things to do."
Yeah? Like what?
She purses her lips, a momentary break in her usually listless expression. "I need to focus on cleaning the classroom. Making… conversation will slow me down."
Let me make it a little more enticing for you, then. If you try to talk to him, I won't bother you about this again.
"… Never again?"
Scout's honor.
She looks down at her skirt, her fingers thoughtfully rubbing the soft, blue fabric lain atop her legs. She stews in her thoughts for a few moments before speaking.
"And you will let me choose the music on the radio for a full week."
You… sly dog. Fine, you can have your week of music, but once the week is over it's my turn again, capiche?
"Very well. I will engage Ikari in conversation after class is over. Do not expect it to be particularly riveting."
Psh, you'll be fine. What's the worst that could happen?
30 minutes later…
Rei stops rubbing the polished wood of her desk and tosses the stained rag over the side of the metal bucket beside her, water dripping from the edge of the sopping cloth. She turns to watch Shinji, curious.
His thin frame pushes and pulls the old mop into doing what it was made for: cleaning. A small drop of sweat rolls down his forehead and he pats it off, his nervous gaze suddenly meeting Rei's. Predictably, the moment he meets her scarlet gaze, his eyes turn back to the ground in an instant and he mops more frantically than before.
He's more scared of you than you are of him. It's kind of funny, actually.
"He must find the situation as uncomfortable as I do."
No need to be dramatic, Rei. He's not going to bite. Probably.
"I disagree."
Oh my god — just ask how he's doing. That's simple enough.
"… Very well."
She folds her hands and takes a few, nervous steps toward him.
"Hello." Rei calls out, her voice soft.
He freezes and slowly turns to stare at Rei in surprise, his brown eyes scaling her up and down. They seem… dodgy. "Oh, um… hello?"
"…"
And?
"I do not know what else to say." She says with a blink, drawing a suddenly sympathetic glance from Shinji. He leans on the mop's wooden handle, foot tapping nervously on the linoleum floor.
"… Me either. You're usually so quiet, Ayanami. I… didn't think you wanted to talk to me."
"I do not."
Dammit, Rei! You weren't supposed to tell him that.
"Oh." His face falls, hunched posture sinking even lower than before, "Then why are you speaking to me?"
"Because there is nothing better to do."
He blinks, frowning. His feet shift unsteadily and his grip on the mop tightens. "That's it?"
"Yes."
The sunset peeking through the classroom windows starts to dip, and the comforting threads of incandescent lighting retract, bathing the room in a much weaker glow. Something about it reflects the mood of the room.
"Alright, then. I'm just going to, um… keep mopping, if that's okay." He says, mostly to himself, before going to clean another section of the class, leaving a fair bit of distance between him and Rei.
… Jesus Christ. That was the most insufferably awkward conversation I've ever seen anyone have.
Rei blinks in confusion, returning to the desk she was cleaning before. She wipes off the inside, small clumps of dust spilling out.
Aren't you going to say anything?
"I do not know what to say, nor do I understand what I did wrong. I… was being honest."
You… you didn't do anything wrong. It's just, sometimes when you have a conversation with someone, you gotta be a little more tactful.
"… What is tact?"
And there it is. The reason for her lack of sociability rears its ugly head.
Son of a — you don't know what tact means?
"No."
Alright tell you what: When we get back home, I'll teach you what it means. How's that sound?
"… Do I still get my week with the radio?"
Sure. You can get your week with the radio without any interruptions. A promise is a promise, after all.
Her lips crack into a tiny smile.
"Yay."
Day 32
Deep in the dark depths of NERV HQ…
This is disgusting.
Rei floats around in an orange, viscous fluid, bubbles rising from her soft exhales.
LCL, I think. It sure tastes like it.
Ever since the sync test I did with Rei yesterday, I've had her sense of taste transmit over to me. It's great for when I'm feeling like an inhuman beast with little worth beyond being a killing machine — which is unfortunately often — but not at all appreciated when it comes to anything like this. The LCL tastes bitter and acrid, like iron, with a hint of paint mixed in there somehow. It makes me wonder how she handles syncing with me all the time. A real trooper, this girl.
"It is necessary." She says, her voice slightly gargled from the liquid. She's somehow unfazed, "There is no need to complain."
I don't think you understand the situation I'm in, not really.
She blinks, orange tinting the corners of her vision, "Which is?"
Not only does this liquid taste absolutely horrid, but I can't close my goddamn eyes, Rei! I can't do anything to stop the reflection in the glass from staring back at me!
"… I still do not understand."
You know you're naked, right?
"Yes? What about it?"
… Honestly, I'm not even surprised you don't care.
She blinks, once.
"Am I… supposed to?"
I hate how genuinely confused she sounds. She shouldn't be so uncaring about showing her body around. Fucking Gendo and his lack of teaching any kind of social etiquette.
Yes. I understand that Ikari likely hasn't taught you much in the way of social norms, but christ, it can't be this bad.
"I still do not understand why my state of undress is such a concern to you. And Commander Ikari has taught me all I need to know."
I'm not concerned for me. I'm concerned for you.
"I'd rather you didn't concern yourself over such unimportant things."
Dignity is not unimportant!
Something in my voice, disembodied as it is, cracks. I hate it when she speaks like this, as if her body were some kind of disposable medium that's worth nothing unless it pertains to the mission.
She might be replaceable to Gendo, but not to me. Throwing someone away like a piece of gutter trash is reprehensible.
Sorry, I… I didn't mean to yell. It's just… your dignity isn't unimportant. You aren't unimportant.
She starts to respond, but instead stops, a river of conflicting thoughts flowing through her mind, too jumbled to parse through. It's not often when I can tell what she's thinking, and — fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how I look at it — this is one of those times.
"… Why do you act this way?"
Like how?
"Like you're concerned over me."
What a ridiculous question.
Because I care about you, hard as it is to believe. It'd be difficult not to, considering the arrangement we're in.
She closes her eyes, and her fingers twitch, lagging against the thickness of the LCL. It takes her a few minutes to deign me with a proper response, and even then, it's more vague than anything.
"… You're so very human." There's a hint of melancholy in her voice. She hides it well, but it's easy to note the subtle lilt.
It's sad knowing that genuine compassion is wholly unfamiliar to her. Gendo shows her flashes of it — more of a facsimile than anything — but she's smart enough to tell he doesn't care all that much.
She knows she's a tool; she made her peace with that truth a long time ago.
Only now, I'm an unseen variable. An unpredictable factor. A wild card. Someone that treats her like a person.
Old habits die hard, I guess.
She doesn't say anything else after, and I listen to her breathe deep into the LCL. Her chest softly rises and falls, small air bubbles rising from her exhales, and the loud churning of NERV headquarters rings high above. Gears and metal shifting along one another like tectonic plates, grinding in constant function.
It's nothing if not relaxing.
Day 34
Students slowly trickle into class, the dreary morning weighing on everyone's urge to do anything. That's how it's been since Sachiel attacked. Quiet. No one's left yet either, but once the next few angels truly start their offensive, that'll change.
Until then, who knows what might happen.
"G-good morning, Ayanami." A timid, but familiar voice greets from in front of Rei's desk.
She turns her gaze from the usual sights outside and focuses on Shinji, who sports a nervous smile. His collar is unmade, and the dress shirt he usually keeps tidy is ruffled, with large wrinkles centered around his midsection.
Well, color me surprised. I didn't think the kid had it in him.
"… Good morning, Ikari. Do you need something?"
"No, I just… I wanted to say hi since you, um…" He stammers, trying, and failing, to look for the right words. He turns away and scratches his neck with the tip of his index finger. "You said hello to me yesterday."
Rei blinks.
"… And?"
The indifferent response immediately makes him shrink back like a cornered animal, and he barely wills his way through his words. "I, um, I just… I wanted to say hi back. And to maybe get to know you a little bit? I haven't made many friends since getting here, and…"
Looks like your 'attempt' at conversation a few days ago wasn't a complete wash. Seize the opportunity while you can, Rei, before he runs away.
"… And it was really impressive how you, uh…" He leans in slightly, careful not to get too close. "Piloted the EVA."
Rei blinks again, only with a little more force than before. That same feeling — that odd warmth she felt from the nurse — rears its head, causing her to frown. The baring downturn of her lip.
At the sight of Rei's blank face splitting into a frown, Shinji pales. It's a wonder he hasn't abandoned the conversation, yet.
He just complimented you, Rei. Respond in kind!
No. You promised that you would not bother me about this anymore.
I'm not botherin' you about it, he is! At least thank the boy! He's shakin' like a dang leaf trying to talk to you.
"… Thank you." She admits begrudgingly.
"Oh, you're welcome." He smiles, and his nerves ease up just the tiniest bit; his skin gains a bit of color back, and his tightly held smile loosens. He sits in the seat placed in front of her. "A-and it's really admirable, too. How you went out to fight that thing. I don't think I could have done it."
"… Eventually, you'll have to as well."
Wait, what are you doing?
He flinches, as if struck. "What?"
The tenuous smile he was starting to lift falls, weighed down by the inumerable truth. A reality he doesn't want to face.
"You're the third child. You must fight."
He doesn't need to fight for anyone, least of all that idiot-
Be quiet.
"I didn't come here to fight, especially not for him." He responds. His shoulders tense. His voice keeps the same, soft cadence that it usually does, but it also has something else — something that's dug deep into him like some kind of festering wound. "Do you know what the letter he sent me even said?"
Rei purses her lips, and the few students that have managed to come into class glance over at them, curious. Morning entertainment comes in all shapes and sizes, and it's especially amusing when someone as socially isolated as Rei is talking with — another equally quiet student — Shinji.
"I do not care-"
"All it said was 'come', as if I were some kind of dog for him to order around. Eleven years of nothing — not a single thing, and then he expects me to just… roll over and do what he says." Shinji continues, talking over Rei's quiet protest. "I only came here to see why — why he thought he had the right, and at the end of the day, he didn't even need me. He already had you to fight these battles for him. Better than I ever could, anyway."
Rei narrows her gaze, glaring at him. A knot of agitation bubbles dangerously in her chest, and her fingers twitch, scratching on the desk.
"He's so horrible."
You need to calm down.
"Awful."
I said be quiet.
"And… and selfish-"
Rei slaps him, and the impact rings aloud across the classroom. The chatter quiets and every student turns to face them in surprise. Shinji holds his rapidly reddening cheek in embarrassment, eyes stinging with unshed
"With such little faith in your father, why are you even here?"
Shinji opens his mouth to respond before faltering, a conflicted look on his face. There's a moment's silence.
"… I don't know."
He knows exactly why he came here, but he just can't admit it to himself. Out of cowardice, and fear and loathing. A terrible load to bear at such a young age.
"Exactly. You do not know. Now leave me alone." Rei repeats, turning away from him. She watches the empty streets and roads — the trees and nature — the sky. Even as Shinji sits there, quiet and staring and miserable, he blames himself for attempting to reach out.
Rei…
I do not wish to speak right now.
Well I do.
I did nothing wrong.
Yes, you did.
I was only defending the commander.
That does not give you the right to slap him, or treat him that way. You might have a good impression of Gendo because he's the only parental figure you have, but Shinji doesn't because his father — the man you can't help but trust — abandoned him. That's a damn good reason not to respect him.
Rei's thoughts grind to a halt, and her inner voice — the whispers that can't help but share their secrets — quiet down into an inaudible whisper. Something she's gotten quite good at; blocking me out.
You know I'm right. Ignoring me isn't going to change that fact.
…
Whatever.
Chapter 9: Day 35, Part 1: In His Shell
Summary:
Enjoy :)
Notes:
A/N: I'm proud I managed to get this out relatively quickly. And please mention any criticism that seems pertinent. I'm goin' off my gut here, after all.
Also, warning for dialogue heavy chap.
Enjoy.
Chapter Text
-- Several hours later --
The sun feels hot on Rei's skin, and the cloth of her uniform clings to her arm. In most situations, the sensation would be unpleasant. Uncomfortable. But I can't help enjoying it. It makes me feel human again, at least until I'm forced to return to that iron coffin — devoid of feeling and sense and anything that would mistake me as human. Not that I could, even if I wanted to.
Looking like a man-eating cyclops beneath my helmet is probably why.
Bluebirds chirp in the afternoon air, and bundled leaves torn from their trees float across the school courtyard, carried by a lonesome wind. It's blessedly peaceful.
You can't ignore me forever, Rei.
She continues to ignore me, walking down the courtyard path and back home to her dreary apartment.
You know how persistent I am. Eventually, I'll wear you down like I always do, so just give up.
Rei stops in her tracks, and her padded feet kick up a small plume of sand. She grips her shoulder bag, and the rubber strap bends under her tight grasp.
Nothing you can say will convince me to apologize for my actions.
Oh? Looks like ignoring me wasn't as easy as you thought it was.
It is easy.
Liar. It's a miracle you managed to hold out as long as you did.
I am not lying.
Yes, you are. I'm literally in your mind. I know you've been dying to bite back.
"Ayanami."
Huh?
Rei turns to the voice a few feet away from her. Toji and Kensuke. Toji has a bitter scowl crossing his face, and Kensuke trails from behind, grimacing regretfully.
Toji pulls up his collar and scratches the tip of his nose with his thumb, before marching toward Rei and looking down at her with the same blistering scowl. Towering. She stares back blankly as she usually does, except this time, it's accompanied by slight confusion. Not that I can blame her. Why would anyone go out of their way to talk to her?
… Wait, is that my thought or hers…? Fuck, it's hard to tell. The constant syncing isn't doing my mind any favors.
"Yes?"
"Were you the one piloting that robot three weeks ago?" Toji asks, his voice more than a little accusatory. He clenches his fists. "The one that left the entire city a mess?"
Rei gives herself a moment to respond. "Why do you ask?"
"Are you the pilot or not?"
Kensuke chimes in, raising a nervous finger. "Toji-"
Toji cuts him off instantly, not even bothering to turn around. "Shut up, Kensuke. I'm not in the mood right now."
Kensuke shrinks back, before sighing and taking a few steps back. He shoots Rei an apologetic look, but she just ignores him, like she does everyone else.
Frankly, if the situation weren't all that serious, I'd almost find it amusing. But it's not. I know why Toji's trying to intimidate Rei, and I understand where he's coming from, but he's got another thing coming if he thinks scaring her is gonna fix his sister.
As if he could do more than just irritate Rei, anyway.
"Are you trying to intimidate me, Suzuhara?"
"No. I'm just asking you a question. One that ya haven't bothered to answer yet."
"One that I am not going to answer." She attempts to walk past him. "Leave me alone."
He steps into her path again, causing her to frown ever so slightly. She's already irritated with me. This idiot isn't making things any easier.
"I heard you talkin' with the new kid about it."
Rei's blinks.
"If you know, then why do you insist on bothering me?"
A vein pulses along his neck dangerously. "Because my kid sister is in the hospital — no thanks to you and that robot you were throwin' around the damn place!!" He shouts, leaning into her personal space. "How the hell do you think I'm supposed to feel!"
Her frown deepens.
"Do not blame me for a simple accident. I killed the angel. That is what matters."
"Not at the expense of my little sister!"
"As I said, hurting your sister was… not my intention." Rei pauses, biting the inside of her lip. "It was nothing more than an unfortunate accident. I was only doing as directed by my superiors."
Toji grits his teeth, barely holding himself back from punching something. To express his anger the only way he knows how. Physically. But right now, at this very moment, he shouldn't — and definitely not with Rei.
"That sounds like a damn excuse."
"It's not."
"Don't bullshit me, Ayanami!"
Too angry to think, Toji shoves Rei, failing to consider how much stronger he is than her.
She stumbles back for a moment before falling, slicing the flat of her palm on a sharp rock jutting from the ground. She grimaces at the momentary sting, and coughs as sand gets into her mouth.
This is… this is different from what I remember. This isn't supposed to happen.
I... I should have expected things to change.
Toji immediately steps back, regret painted over his face. Kensuke's mouth hangs open in surprise, before he blows up at Toji.
"What the hell man! Why'd you push her?!"
Toji turns around. "I didn't mean to! Why didn't ya stop me?!"
"How is that my job!"
Toji groans and slides a palm down his face. He turns back to Rei with a nervous smile and holds his hand out to help her up.
"I… crap, Ayanami. I swear I didn't— I don't know what came over me."
The pain in her hand is absolutely nothing compared to the anger I can feel from her — and from me. Aggrieved is a good word for it. Looks like he was capable of doing more than just irritating her.
What a sorry ass apology.
Rei blinks and slaps the hand away. She grabs her shoulder bag and shakes away some of the sand in her hair and adjusts her shoes before walking closer to Toji, completely unaffected by the blood trailing down her palm. She stops in front of him, looks up, and stares him down, red eyes glaring a hole into him.
Did pushing you around feel good? Someone weaker than him, who couldn't stop him if he tried?
She blinks again.
"Did you feel good, pushing me to the ground? Someone weaker than you?"
"No! No… of course not—"
We saved their fucking lives, didn't we?
"Someone who saved your life? I fought that monster with everything I had. Do you not think it unfair to take out your grievances on me?"
"I already said—"
Rei cuts him off again. "I do not care what you said. Your actions already spoke for you. Do not ever touch me again. I do not care that you blame me. I do not care that you're angry, or sad, or regretful. All you have managed to do is humiliate yourself."
Toji looks away, ashamed.
Rei's phone rings, a loud chime signifying an emergency back at NERV. The only thing her phone is good for — warnings.
That's our cue.
"Goodbye, Suzuhara."
-- LOWER ELEVATOR TOWARD NERV HQ --
Nothing but the sound of machinery rings inside the metal cavern, leading to the Geofront. A technological marvel laid bare before our eyes. It'll never not be awesome, I think, seeing something so fantastical. Although… it's definitely bogged down by the bullshit I've already had to deal with — alongside Rei, who's her own issue entirely. Having to help someone who's convinced she's no more than a tool is hard. Having to deal with a mixed consciousness is even harder.
Being stuck as a spectator is just plain unfair.
Dammit… I just want her to be happy. Is that so much to ask for?
You sure you don't want a bandage or something? That cut was more than a little painful.
"The bandage can wait. We are in a hurry."
Fine. I already know I can't convince you.
"That is correct."
It's a few more minutes of silence, apart from the clunking gears of the elevator, before someone calls out from behind Rei.
"Ayanami!"
Rei sighs.
Quit doing that.
Doing what?
That little… 'sigh' you always do when you're annoyed. You already humiliated the boy once, anyway. You don't need to make him feel any worse.
Rei rolls her eyes.
Don't roll your eyes at me.
She looks out toward the open Geofront, appreciating the beautiful sight. The sun rays piercing in the background, the green trees, and the sparkling lake placed firm in the center. She takes a deep breath…
Don't you dare.
… And rolls her eyes.
You're insufferable.
Just like you.
Smartass.
Shinji rushes down the elevator, catching up with Rei in a few quick seconds. He stops at the step behind her, before huffing out a few hurried breaths.
"Ayanami, do you… huff… do you know why there's an emergency?" He asks shakily. That slap probably still has him rattled. "I-is it another one of those sync tests?"
There's hope in his voice.
Rei doesn't turn around to address him. "No. It is likely an Angel."
"Oh."
There's no longer hope in his voice.
"Is… is father going to be there?"
Oh, and it's back.
"No.
Probably off kicking puppies into lakes or something. He seems the type.
Rei scowls, but ignores me, unsurprisingly. She's gotten very good at that.
"… Ah. I see."
And now it's gone again.
Jesus, Rei. You just stepped on his hopes and dreams — metaphorically and literally.
All I did was answer his question.
Sure, because a sharp 'no' is such a great response.
"Do you… think I'll have to fight?"
"Yes." There isn't an ounce of hesitation in her response. "Zero has not been completely fixed, so I am unable to fight alone. That is why we will likely fight together, as a team."
She's not wrong.
My body still isn't in the greatest condition, and there hasn't been many funds allocated to fixing me. I'm the 'outdated' model, after all. A passing thought in the face of UNIT 01, the superior EVA.
Besides, why would they ever dedicate anything to me?
"But… I… don't want to fight." He reiterates. Footsteps shuffle from behind Rei. "I don't think I can."
Oh lord.
"Then we will all die. The choice is yours."
That's a hell of an ultimatum.
It is the truth.
He's silent for a moment, obviously disliking her response. Shinji sighs and mutters to himself: "Doesn't sound like much of a choice to me…"
-- The Cage --
Now, I'm back in this fucking… thing, again. There's always a hint of awareness whenever I'm with Rei, but it's usually muted — blotted out by how overwhelming Rei's senses can be.
Most of the burns from my fight with Sachiel have healed, and some of the armor coating my skin has been buffed out, but… whole chunks of my metal flesh still have large holes ripping into them, primarily centered around my arms, helmet, and chest. The worst piece of damage is on my chest. A large hole exposing the near transparent scar beneath.
You know, it's funny. I utterly despise being an EVA — truly I do, but during that fight with Sachiel, I felt… alive — I felt good — I felt… more than I ever could have experienced as a human. An incomparable thrill beyond human imagination. And that scares me. Because the moment I lost myself, I couldn't help clinging onto the bit of power I had over something else. Control.
I know I had to, especially if I wanted Rei to survive, but what'll happen to me if I keep calling on that impulse to destroy?
God, I just don't know.
"Entry Sequence Starting."
A small puff of pressurized air sounds above me.
"Inserting Entry Plug."
A small twinge behind my neck.
"LCL Ionization starting… and done. Harmonics are all balanced, and EVA status is… less than 50 percent behind optimal condition. Not as good as it could be."
Talk about shitty news. The crew did the best they could with the time they had. I can't hold it against them.
Are you ready, Rei?
Yes.
It's okay to be scared.
I'm not scared.
… I know. I'm more worried for Shinji.
He will be okay.
I don't think she actually believes that. He was absolutely terrified to pilot his EVA, and he hasn't had any actual training, apart from learning to control the damn thing. Maybe they gave him extra training? Rei isn't always at NERV.
You know he won't. He's not like you. You should say something.
I am not saying anything to him.
Rei, I'm not asking you to apologize because, well, I know you won't. All I'm asking is that you give him some comforting words before he gets thrown into something he never could have prepared for. I get you're still mad at him, but he needs this. We need him motivated, or else we're doomed. We can't do this on our own, not in the condition I'm in.
I'm not doing this to garner sympathy from her. It's the damn truth -- the honesty she likes to tout so often. Either we motivate him to put up a fight, or we risk getting obliterated.
"... Fine." She connects to Shinji's comm link with an ounce of hesitation, gently pressing down on the button transmitting her signal to UNIT-01. There's a small crackle of static. "Ikari?"
"Y-yes?" He stutters. There is abject terror in his voice, but there's also surprise -- that Rei even bothered to reach out. Why would he expect anything from her, especially after she rejected his indirect offer of friendship with pain.
Just some simple words. Say what you think is best. I believe in you.
Rei says nothing for a moment, digesting my words with careful focus.
"I... believe in you, Ikari."
"W-what?"
He sounds like he's about to cry.
"I said I believe that you can do this. That is all."
She lets go of the button and leans back in her leather seat, a plethora of emotions roiling in her mind.
Did that feel good?
Rei doesn't respond. Except, this time it isn't her ignoring me. It's something different. Something better.
Something lighter.
Chapter 10: Day 35, Part 2: In His Shell
Notes:
Enjoy :)
Chapter Text
The radio crackles to life, opening a three way link between Misato, Shinji, and Rei. Misato's voice is scratchy, worn down by the outdated technology NERV has neglected to advance. It's been left to rot and gather dust.
"Okay, you two. The Angel is still a few minutes away, so even though it isn't much, we still have some time to go over the plan."
Misato doesn't sound near as carefree as she does during training or practice, taking up the mantle of Captain — the position she's earned — with a simple, effortless switch.
"Shinji."
"Ma'am?"
"You'll be the one to face the Angel head on. Unit-0 isn't in any condition to take substantial damage, so even though Rei has more experience, you'll take her place."
Shinji sucks in a deep breath, his sigh crackling through the radio.
"… Yes, ma'am."
"I know you don't have much experience controlling your EVA — and I know this is scary; it would be for me too. But trust me when I say you'll be okay. Rei will be there to support you from afar while you get close-"
"I-I have to get close to it?" Shinji interrupts through the radio, voice nervous. "I… I'm not all that great in a fight…"
"You aren't going to engage it in hand to hand combat, Shinji." Misato corrects. "All you need to do is keep it distracted and pierce its A.T field long enough for Rei to shoot down the core. You remember how to activate it?"
"… Yes, ma'am."
"Perfect. Rei, find yourself a vantage point that gives you maximum visibility into the north quadrant of the city. Understand?"
"Affirmative."
"Excellent. We're going to launch you both at the same time.
The radio cuts out for a moment, before reopening to the directive I've been dying to hear. To do something worthwhile with this god-forsaken body while I have the chance.
"EVA LAUNCH!"
The magnetic trolley blasts me through the shaft in an instant — gravity pulling on my limbs like an infinite weight. Sparks fly off my metal armor and an unpleasant heat spreads across my body.
It's over before I know it, and the metal latches holding me taut let go, their grip no longer holding me back from seeing the sky — the real one. A reminder of a different time.
Everything is different when I'm within Rei's mind — under lock and key, vulnerable to her will — but when I'm me, when I can see through the lens of this accursed body — it's my own will holding the reins.
My control.
I hate it… yet, I need it. An oxymoron if there ever was one.
How do you even begin to explain that?
A few hundred meters away, Shinji stumbles from the opposing launch port, looking at me — no, at Rei — with blank, white eyes. The eyes of a rage fueled demon lying beneath, waiting for the right moment to show herself and tear the world asunder.
It's also unsettling, seeing something as ugly as me; the same clamp holding its jaw together, the horn rising from its head, and the plug wedged into its neck. All made in an effort to hide the truth of what it really is, of what lies beneath.
Rei nods at him and dashes toward one of the large hills overlooking the city, with crashing footfalls that tear the concrete. She does not wait to see if Shinji nods back. She knows there's no time for hesitation.
She snatches the Lightning Pheasant from its pylon near the outskirts of the city, hugging the massive rifle to my chest, and climbs the cliff edge with ease. My metal fingers cling to the shaved stone, ripping through the weathered sedimentary as if it were mush.
All due to the flexibility of being a Bio-Mecha.
We reach the top, and Rei adjusts me over the base of the plateau, placing the Lightning Pheasant over the small ledge beside us with a loud clank. She then eases my finger around the outside of the trigger, places my head into the metal crook behind the scope, and eases my single eye into the disorienting magnification.
The skyscrapers surrounding the northern quadrant of Tokyo-3 sink into the ground, replaced by dozens of metal blockades and shining weapon caches containing fully stocked pallet rifles. It also opens up our sight line into the Angel steadily approaching, unceasing, just a few miles up north. It's blurry from this distance, and hazy from the heat of the sun.
"In position. Awaiting further orders."
"Stand by, Rei. We have a… of signal interference because… distance… but nothing to be worried about."
"Affirmative."
Pretty smooth sailing so far, don't you think?
"Yes."
I mean… I'm not one to tempt fate, but do you think you can make the shot? When the chance comes up?
She steels her voice, leaving no space for doubt. "I must."
That doesn't answer my question.
She pauses, and breathes in the LCL with a sigh.
"… I do not know."
I guess we'll see then, won't we?
Suddenly, the Angel — Shamshel — floats into our airspace, just a few miles from where Shinji is stationed. The moment it does, the city bursts into action.
Massive silos open up across all of Tokyo-3's outer rim — unleashing a storm of missiles that rain hell on Shamshel. They slam into Shamshel with the force of a thousand trains, exploding into balls of molten death and smoke.
But they do nothing to it, not even a scratch.
… A.T fields are bullshit.
"I am inclined to agree."
The magnified view does not do it justice, either.
It's sort of difficult to describe, properly at least. It's a cephalopod-shaped… thing. Bug? Crustacean? That lazily floats high above the ground. It has two eye shaped markings, complete with pupils that seem to watch everything absently, engraved into its purple carapace.
Is it me or does that thing look kind of… cute? In a murder you without a second thought kind of way.
"… No." She responds, distinctly unamused. "Stop speaking nonsense. I must focus."
It's not nonsense. You just need to have a better sense of humor.
"Did I not just tell you to be quiet?"
Okay, okay sheesh. You're so touchy, sometimes.
She grunts noncommittally, already tuning me out.
The scope zooms in on Shinji leaning on a metal blockade two hundred meters away from Shamshel. His EVA's hand shakes ever so slightly, and his index finger inches closer to the trigger of his pallet rifle unconsciously, in a poor display of trigger discipline.
Did they never teach the boy how to shoot? Or is he just too scared to think properly? I can't exactly blame him for being nervous, though. He never fought Sachiel, so he never experienced the surge of fear that came from facing something so… alien.
I wish he didn't have to.
We still haven't got a visual on the core.
"It will appear soon." She says firmly. There's no space for confidence or hesitation, only assuredness that things will go to plan.
Before or after Shinji gets ripped apart?
"A second is all we need. He will be fine."
Then keep your eyes on the birdie, Rei. That thing is probably more agile than it seems.
Suddenly, Shamshel freezes in midair, slowly turning to stare at the pylon Shinji is hiding behind. Two tentacles unfurl from both sides of Shamshel's carapace — lightning crackling through the translucent appendages — and they whip at the floor erratically, leaving massive, sizzling gouges in the steel below.
Why is it just standing there?
"I do not know." Rei responds, unsure. Her grip tightens on the control levers. "The Third Angel was notably passive. I do not appreciate how much more… aware this one seems to be."
Probably means that these things aren't mindless beasts, much as I wish they were.
"It would make this less difficult." Rei agrees, a sentiment she rarely puts forward.
By a wide margin, yeah. Shinji should really get moving.
The scope zooms in on Shinji again — who's still leaning on the same pylon. It takes him a moment, but he finally acts, jumping out and spraying Shamshel with a hail of bullets.
But Shamshel doesn't care.
It rises through the maelstrom of gunpowder and smoke, its combat mode towering over Shinji's EVA. It lashes at him with its whips in an instant, forcing him to roll back into the same pylon he jumped out of. He rams into it with a loud crash, but Shamshel still doesn't let up, cutting through his pallet rifle with ease and splitting it through the middle causing it to fall to the ground — useless.
Shinji tries to keep some distance, stumbling behind the same metal pylon before it's systematically sliced apart, the Angel's pink tentacles rippling with static energy.
I think I see the core! It's moving around quickly but if we shoot now we can get this done and over with!
"Not yet. I do not think Ikari has managed to bring down Its A.T field."
What? How?! He has the same sync rate as we do and he just started tests not even a week ago!
The scope zooms in again — on Shamshel and the red core wedged in its thorax. It glows ominously as if begging us to shoot, but the octagonal barrier flickering around its carapace keeps it perfectly protected.
Like it knows we can't do shit about it.
Shinji tries to push it back with his own A.T field, weak as it is — erratic and unstable — but he's unable to, and it struggles against Shamshel's more solid barrier.
That's not good. Not at all. If he's unable to break through its field then we can't take the shot.
Is it because he didn't fight Sachiel? No, he still tended to display high sync rates regardless of inexperience…
Why can't he pierce the field?
Well what the hell are we supposed to do now, then?! If we do nothing he'll be killed!
"I do not know."
Shoot the core anyway! No reason not to try.
We watch as Shinji tries to dash away again, rolling and jumping around every corner possible, but Shamshel is faster, and one of its tentacles slices through his ankle, cutting through the armor like butter and sending him crashing to the ground in a twitching heap.
"I have not been given the order to shoot, yet. The opportunity still has not presented itself." Her voice is cold, but there's a flicker of worry in there, somewhere.
I know there is.
Are… are you being serious right now? We're gonna sit here and watch as he gets mauled to death? Just because we haven't got our orders, yet? He can't even break through the goddamn field himself!
"I cannot." She sounds unsure.
You can.
"I said no."
I don't give a damn, Rei. If we don't do something now, Shinji might die.
Several jets — courtesy of the JSSDF — zoom through the sky above Tokyo-3, shooting ballistic missiles toward Shamshel, but they continue to do nothing except irritate the Angel. More of a nuisance, like mosquito bites, to give Shinji time to escape — to regroup and replan.
Only… it's not good enough, and Shamshel whips through the jets in an instant, sending them crashing into the ground in a deadly blast of roiling shrapnel and flame.
I- no, we tighten our grip on the Lightning Pheasant.
Either you decide, or I do it for you.
"I…" Rei hesitates, edging my fingers ever closer to the trigger. "I cannot."
Something in her is fighting. I know she wants to help, but she's been nothing but a tool her entire life. How would she know to make her own decisions?
"Rei! Don't engage wi… Angel. We can't let it know your position! Unit-0 still… combat ready-"
I'm sorry, Rei. But I can't let us sit here and do nothing.
I pull the trigger, and the Lightning Pheasant springs into action, releasing the bolt with a thundering boom.
The bolt soars through the sky, a trail of fire following from behind, before it crashes into Shamshel's A.T field like a blazing meteor, somehow leaving a small dent in the flickering barrier.
It doesn't do much, but it does manage to grab Shamshel's attention. It rears its — head? — toward us noting the more immediate threat we pose.
"What have you done…?" There's something resembling anger in her voice, a smoldering thing, but there's also relief. That I forced her to take action.
She may not be capable of making her own decisions yet, but that doesn't mean I'm confined to that ruleset.
What I had to, Rei. Now get ready. We've got a hell of a fight ahead of us.
Chapter 11: Interlude 1: Shinji
Summary:
Shinji and his thoughts.
Notes:
Forgot to post this :/. Been sick. Mb
Chapter Text
Shinji didn’t know why he was here — humoring his worthless father. Contending with feelings he thought he pushed away long ago.
But no, they’ll always haunt him.
The letter he was sent — evidence that his father still remembered Shinji existed — in the dull craphole of Matsumoto only had the word-
Come.
-Scribbled over it. Bold and messy and embedded deep in the fine parchment, after years of silence. That’s all he felt he had to say? No apology or desire for forgiveness or a plea to reconnect?
Just a demand — for him to be used and thrown away, again.
The gall pissed Shinji off more than anything else ever had. As if he had the right to ask for his help. After abandoning him? After leaving him to fend for his own with a man as cold as Sensei — as cold as him?
What a joke.
He ripped it into pieces and would have left it to rot on the ground had the guilt not pushed him to fix it.
He taped it back together into a barely legible piece of kanji, guilt driving the action.
Why did he still have space in him for that man? Why does he always do this?
He should have thrown it away. He shouldn’t have done anything. He should have stayed far, far away from the man- no, bastard who left him once before. And he would have… if not for his cowardice deciding to look the other way.
He took the first train to Tokyo-3 and threw away the miserable, yet familiar comforts of Matsumoto City for the slightest chance to reconnect with someone who lost the will to do so long ago.
The desire for love from his father was too much to ignore.
He met Ms. Misato. The photo he was given of her was… more than a little provocative, but… she was a lively, if irresponsible person.
He wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but… he looked at the photo a fair few times on the way to Tokyo-3.
Damned hormones.
They traversed the extremely advanced facilities of NERV, and… then he saw his father once more. After years of zero contact, he was forced to look up at the man that abandoned him.
He looked exactly the same since the last time Shinji saw him…
It wasn’t the reunion Shinji had hoped it would be. Quite the opposite, actually. It was exactly what Shinji had expected from the bastard.
His father told him he had to pilot their greatest weapon, the EVA, to stop the Angel trying to cause the Third Impact. That’s why they were calling him the Third Child; a job only he was meant to do. If he did nothing, the world would end. If he did something, he would die for nothing.
A lose-lose situation all around.
This is what he gets for hoping. He never deserved good things, so it stands to reason that the world believed the same.
So Shinji said no to his father. Not to lash out at the world for the little it’s given back to him nor to ruin the lives of those at risk of dying from the collateral, but to spite his bastard father. A consequence for the miserable life Gendo gifted Shinji after the death of his mother; the only person that ever loved him.
But then he saw his father scoff and send out an unspoken order. The look in his eyes was more than just scathing, it was indifferent. As if he weren’t surprised that Shinji wanted to run away. As if he weren’t surprised that Shinji was the same coward he left behind. It cut deeper than Shinji would like to admit because it solidified what he already knew.
That his father would never change.
That he was still the same cold man he always was.
It turns out there was another pilot on standby, waiting for his father’s approval to engage. That was the unspoken order. Of course it was.
He watched as the girl, Ayanami, fought for her life against the monster he never would have dared to think existed, in a similar robot, with a massive sniper. It would have been awesome if it weren’t so terrifying. Even more terrifying is that if it wasn’t her, then it would have surely been him.
He watched as the Angel quickly got the upper hand over Ayanami, beating her down quickly and without mercy, pillars of bright light bursting from the ground around her EVA. The pillars melted the skin hidden beneath.
Her screams were haunting.
Guilt churned deep in his chest. It shouldn’t have been her out there, but it also shouldn’t have been him. He shouldn’t have come here. But he also could have prevented her from getting hurt — or worse, dying.
He never felt as conflicted as he did that day.
To stand by his meager convictions and do nothing or make a difference and save Ayanami’s life. Be a hero. Be worthy of praise. Of affection and adoration.
In the moment, he chose the latter, but before he could act on his newfound resolve and prove his father wrong, Ayanami’s EVA… changed.
It stood up, arms hanging limply beside it, and shoved in the intestines hanging from its exposed torso without flinching. Growls quietly emanated from the signal transmitted by the entry plug, from the pod.
Shinji only knew what it was because Ms. Ritsuko explained it to him. It’s the pod pilots are placed into when syncing with their EVA’s.
It’s… what he would have done, if he accepted to fight.
It then tore off the brace clamped over its jaw, revealing a set of glinting, human-like teeth stuck to its mouth, before breathing in the cool night air for a moment — savoring the newfound freedom.
It attacked in the next instant and charged toward the Angel like a wild beast. It tore into it with a ferociousness that unsettled Shinji. The power these weapons are capable of… The tides were turned in an instant.
Where a calm and methodical mecha once stood, a frothing monster with an unusual sentience took its place. As if Ayanami wasn’t the one controlling it.
It was almost scarier than the Angel itself.
His father also looked… displeased, somehow. His perpetual frown seemed deeper than it had been earlier. His assistant leaned in close and spoke in his ear with a furrowed look, conversation out of earshot.
Then, the fight was over… right after the Angel blew itself up in an effort to take Ayanami out with it which, thankfully, didn’t end up working.
The terror, over with.
But then, Ms. Misato gave him an offer to live with her because his bastard father didn’t want to provide him adequate housing. He took it — not because he thought he deserved it, oh no — he took it because of Ayanami.
Because of the desire to make sure she’s safe.
She took his place against the Angel whether she knows it or not, and it wouldn't feel right to just disappear.
Shinji knows this doesn’t make him a good person. It doesn’t erase the truth of his cowardice and loathing and guilt; old friends he’s had to live with his entire life. It just… eases the burden, a little. To know he stayed for something more noble than anything he’d ever done in his life.
After that, it was nothing but weeks of endless routine.
Make breakfast for Ms. Misato, go to school, wallow without friends — which is business as usual — and do these… sync tests, back at NERV.
Sometimes he gets to see Ayanami doing the tests alongside him, but… she isn’t very sociable, always staring off into space or speaking to herself.
In her head all the time, like him.
Otherwise, rinse and repeat ad nauseam.
It was exhausting.
Ms. Misato was also a… harsh change of pace for someone as reserved as him. She’s crass and loud. Often careless. Extremely messy. When drunk, she gets even worse, shoving herself into his personal space without an ounce of tact.
Although… sometimes, when she leaned too close, he got to peek beneath her tank top and get a small whiff of her scent; alcohol and perfume. She’s also pleasant, sometimes, and shows genuine care for him in her own unusual ways.
But… he knows she only tolerates him because it’s her job. There’s no other explanation, otherwise. He knows he’s not worth caring about.
The only one who did is dead.
Everything seemed to go normally for a while.
Until… the routine shifted when he stayed after class for cleaning duty. With Ayanami.
This would have been the perfect opportunity to go and talk to her. To socialize. To get to know the person that indirectly saved him from fighting that terrifying Angel. But he couldn’t, so instead, he stood by the whiteboard, mopping up the imaginary stains on the already polished floor.
Then she came up to him and… spoke. A simple hello. No follow up or question about how he’s doing, just… hello.
After watching her in class for some time, he’d come to recognize how much she spoke through her eyes.
Whenever she saw something interesting, they would scrunch up slightly, as if trying to get a better look.
Whenever she saw something sad, her eyes would look down for a moment, as if in contemplation.
Whenever she saw something she didn’t like or appreciate, her eyes would narrow. Not by much, but just enough to be nearly half-lidded.
That’s how she looked at that moment. Almost hesitant.
Shinji felt guilty at that moment, but also elated. It wasn’t much of a conversation in the grand scheme of things,
— considering they didn’t actually talk about anything — but she initiated it. Not him, her.
That’s the important part.
He asked Ms. Misato about it the next day, right before school.
“Ms. Misato?”
“Hmm?” Misato turned to him, and crushed her first can of Yebisu for the day. She tossed it toward the trash bag across the room and grabbed another can in the same swift motion. Alcohol clung to her breath.
The sour odor made his nose curl.
“What is it, Shinji?” She asked, before chugging the second can down in a single go. “Shouldn’t you be getting to class? Or are you feeling tired? God knows I am.”
“… Ayanami came up to me yesterday. To try and… talk to me.”
She raised an eyebrow.
“Our Ayanami?”
“Uh, I think so. I’m not exactly sure there’s anyone else with her name…”
She smirked, and leaned back in her chair, setting her foot on the rim of the dinner table. It’s a wonder she didn’t fall over. “Well would you look at that… looks like you’ve got a secret talent, Shinji. Maybe you aren’t as hopeless as I thought you were.”
“Oh, I… don’t think that’s it. She just came up to me and said hello. It was pretty quiet, otherwise.”
She gave him an impish grin.
“What did you say back?”
“Err… hello? I wasn’t really sure what to say in the moment since it happened so suddenly.”
“I see, I see. So you came to me for advice on your womanly issues?” She asked with a smirk.
She opened her third, and final can for the morning with a quiet hiss. Her nose twitched.
“… Yes? That isn’t how exactly how I would put it-“
She glomped him the instant after, cutting him off mid sentence and throwing him into a headlock — face shoved into sight of her bountiful… assets.
He feigned resistance pretty well.
“You came to the right place, Shinji! Woman… are complicated and Rei is no different, trust me. All you have to do is this…”
Advice in mind, he went to school, excited. Better than he had felt in a while. He even made Ms. Misato an extra large breakfast because of how… happy he felt. That and the hangover. She’s always grumpy when she’s hungover. A hardy breakfast should do her some good.
The weather was nice. Everything was peaceful. The scene was set and a seat was open in front her. Perfect.
He sat down and spoke to Ayanami, normally. Openly. It sent his heart into the stratosphere, but he was happy that he at least tried.
… Then she slapped him after he… spoke of his father.
It hurt.
Not physically, no, but emotionally.
He stepped too far and she reminded him exactly why she wasn’t his friend.
Why did he bother to try? He knew it wouldn’t have gone well.
Worthless.
Stupid.
The rest of the day was a haze after that. The lingering sting in his cheek. The ache in his chest. The loathing. The humiliation.
Then, before he knew it, the day was over. Another quiet check on the calendar. Every day, the same.
He lingered in the classroom for a little while longer, staring out into the cloudy sky. It helped calm him. Keep him grounded. Not feel better no, but something approximating that.
He clenched his SDAT tightly and stuck his headphones in — Blue Legend playing in his ears.
He put it on repeat and quietly faded into a world where Ayanami didn't slap him.
Where they spoke and became friends, like he wanted.
Where he could keep her safe, somehow, and tell her things he’d never tell anyone else.
Where he could reach a hand out and she would hold it, happily, and comfort him. Tell him that everything’s going to be okay no matter what happens — no matter what he chooses.
That he can choose his own path in life, without his father presiding over every single consideration
… She looked like his mother.
He looked down at the courtyard and saw Ayanami get yelled at by one of his classmates before being pushed down to the ground. Suzuhara is his name.
He just sat and watched like the coward he is.
His phone rang. An unknown number. An urgent message.
Come outside. Now. Need to get you to NERV ASAP.
He didn’t care enough to protest the order. He got into the black car waiting for him outside and followed Ayanami down the elevator, toward the Dogma.
No choice. Nothing in his hands.
He entered Unit-01 without a single complaint. He didn’t have it in him to do so.
He didn’t want to think.
I… believe in you, Ikari.
Until that. The single piece of proof that Ayanami did care, in some way.
To make him feel better.
And now he’s here with the opportunity to save her, like she did him. She got the Angel’s attention to give him time. Time he won’t waste on wallowing.
He grabs the progressive from the pylon in his shoulder. The handle fits into his palm perfectly. He rises to his feet and pain flares up his leg, but he ignores it, focusing all his attention — his energy, on keeping Ayanami safe.
He mustn’t run away.
“Shinji! Your power chord got ripped, so you only have five minutes of power left to engage. Do not do so unless I give you the direct order!”
Shinji ignores her. The air support isn’t doing much in terms of damage, anyway. The only way to truly get rid of this thing… is by stabbing the core.
“Shinji!”
He springs into action.
Chapter 12: Day 35, Part 4: In His Shell
Summary:
Shinji beats the Angel up.
But not before Zero gets his shit kicked in again.
Notes:
A firm end to this little arc.
Chapter Text
Shamshel glides towards us at a steady pace, unbothered by the storm of gunfire peppering it from above. It’s hard to tell if it’s mad, considering the lack of face, but it sure isn’t happy. Its translucent tentacles flail around wildly, slicing through jets — trees — carving massive gouges in the earth beneath it and exposing the conglomeration of sparking wires underneath.
Well… shit.
“Why did you do that?”
It was the right thing to do. Duh.
“Those were not our orders.”
I don’t care. It might have been a little foolish, but it’s a decision I made. You wanted this too, much as you don’t want to admit it-
“You took control away from me. Our orders were to wait until a new opportunity presented itself. You have ruined that by allowing emotion to cloud your sense of logic.”
She sounds angrier than she ever has. A smoldering flame flickering beneath her clipped tone. Her burgeoning personhood leering its head at me — blaming me for the inevitable consequences that will come from this.
Saving him was the logical decision.
We pull the trigger on the Lightning Pheasant once again, but the bolt fizzles uselessly against its A.T field, even with our own expanded to max strength.
I had to help him. There wasn’t going to be another opportunity — not when this Angel is way more aggressive than the previous one!
“Agression does not mean intelligence.” Rei counters, swiftly slotting in the new bolt with a mechanical click. “There would have been an opportunity, but because you are impulsive and reckless-!”
Click!
The bolt explodes against Shamshel, sending a hail of burning shrapnel through the sky in a shower of death and fire. A deadly display of fireworks.
“-It is going to kill us, instead.”
We got out of this the first time-
“Do not delude yourself into thinking we stand a single chance. Not only does Ikari lack proper experience — you have barely recovered from our previous battle!“
Rei-
“We have no leverage or defense against this Angel in our current position.”
Let me speak-
“And you have placed me and this operation in jeopardy because of your shortsightedness.”
Shoot.
Reload.
Until the barrel burns.
Shamshel almost speeds up in response to our desperation, little more than a mile away from us.
I stand by my choice.
“I said I do not care!” She snaps, voice rising for the first time in… ever. “You’re NERV property. As am I. And as tools, we were made to carry out the will of our superiors. If we cannot do that, we will be replaced. Do not assume they will not scrap you for another, more obedient piece of technology.”
Her anger starts to leak into me. I can feel it — the frustration boiling over. She hates it when things don’t go to plan. She knew she shouldn’t have trusted me. But at the same time, she’s glad she did.
Unfortunately, she’s still unable to properly acknowledge that she cares — stuck in the mindset of a weapon that’s only good for one thing. Obedience.
It can’t be that way. It shouldn’t be that way.
Enough with that. You’re a goddamn person, Rei. Not a fucking tool. You’re worth a hundred- no, a thousand of me because I’m fixable. So drop the fuckin’ rhetoric.
“… You know nothing.” She replies tersely. Quietly. Not as strongly
My voice, an endless void ringing across her mind, rises with anger.
A burden, stuck to me and me only.
Knowledge I can’t even use with me stuck to this godforsaken body.
I know more than you ever could, Rei. It’s a fate I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
We look up.
Shamshel hovers over us, having arrived sooner than expected. Its purple carapace shines in the afternoon sun and its fake gaze stares us down, colder than the arctic.
It’s hard to tell exactly what it's feeling. Rage? Irritation? Indifference? It’s more aggressive than Sachiel ever could have been, redirecting its focus onto us, a nuisance, for some odd reason. Was it that insulted at my potshot that it has to personally see to my demise?
Or is it because it knows of my true nature? As a freak born from Adam and converted into a bio mecha to suit humanity's needs.
The mind of an Angel is mysterious — aside from the clear desire to see us dead.
Shamshel leers at us for a moment longer before quickly switching to attack mode, towering over me with purple lightning shooting through its wriggling appendages. They blitz toward us in an instant, aiming to end this quickly.
We roll away — shards of weathered stone scraping against my cracked armor — and miss the tentacles by a single inch, but due to the lacking space on the tip of the plateau, we end up dangling on the edge — one hand wrapped around a crag and the other still holding the Lightning Pheasant.
Boom!
“Five minutes of power remaining!”
Ah, shit! There’s goes our fucking power chord! We need to move! One good hit from that thing and we’re toast!
“I… am trying.” She grits out, half baked plans running through her head a mile a minute before she sticks to the simplest one we can actually utilize right now.
She lets go of the crag, sending us tumbling toward the dense foliage deep below. I can feel my armor weighing us down — gravity shoving its dirty claws down my limbs like oversized anvils.
Brace for impact, Rei!
Rei doesn’t bother responding. Instead, she acts.
Seconds before the inevitable landing, after adjusting my body upright — she tosses the Lightning Pheasant away into the mountain of trees and shoves both my arms straight into the cliff wall, carving a massive gouge and slowing our descent — significantly.
It isn’t pleasant on the bits of skin I have poking out, but I prefer it over a poor landing.
The impact hurls a massive shockwave through the forest and past the city, leaving a large clearing in the landing zone bereft of life and nature. But my legs are still intact. My organs are still in place. And nothing seems to be broken
For now.
The relief suddenly shifts to an unusual… weightlessness on my right side. A jarring change in balance. Phantom needles stabbing into me, tips coated in acid.
I lift the stump of my right arm, all the way up to my shoulder. Blood spurts out like an unceasing fountain, coating Shamshel, who looms above, quietly — menacingly — in a deep red. Its whips wriggle almost… excitedly, as if taking satisfaction in the damage it caused.
Vindication.
How did it get down here so fast…?
The numbness lasts only for a moment before the pain comes.
AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH
“AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!”
Two screams, connected. Pain, a familiar friend.
Regret.
Anger.
Disappointment.
Worthlessness.
The same emotions she had the first time we nearly died. Only, this time — fear worms its way alongside them as well. Looks like I was right. But I’m not petty, not over something like this.
I remove Rei from our sync, forcefully. The lights in the entry plug go off and her raw screams stop as soon as they begin.
The agony still cuts through me, but at least she’s okay. She wasn’t made to take pain like this — children aren’t meant to deal with this. Better me than her; a deluded fool with little hope left in his life.
What… What did you do? Why is there…. no more pain…?
Nghhhhhhhh…. what I…. had to do…
This pain — it’s worse than Sachiel's light beams. And I can’t just berserk it away. The rage that powered my soul the first time — I can’t will it, not with the agony coursing through my very being.
“Three minutes… power…!”
I can’t focus.
I can’t hear Rei.
Everything hurts too much.
Suddenly, a new pain blooms, right through my chest. A searing burst of energy coursing through me in an uncontrollable frenzy, locking my limbs into place and leaving me at the mercy of the Angel.
Air beneath my feet. Weightlessness. Torture.
I scream, but no noise comes out. Muffled beneath the tight brace.
It burns. Everything burns. A constant torment. The stench of charred flesh. Blisters stretching, unceasing. Blood dripping onto stripped dirt, steaming from the current tearing its way through me.
Trapped in a coffin of my own making.
I didn’t want this. This isn’t the kind of sensation I wanted to feel.
I don’t want to die. Please, don’t let Rei die. Please spare her life.
Please please please please please please-
Crash!
I force myself to look up, bare will carrying me through the rigid motion.
In front of me; EVA-01 laying the absolute smackdown on Shamshel. He slams the oversized crustacean into the stone cliff before landing three devastating punches into the core in quick succession. A hairline crack spreads through the red orb, dark energies pulsing from deep within. Shamshel screeches, the sound more unpleasant than nails on chalk, thrumming deep into my damaged eardrums.
I feel his A.T field pressing down on me — on Shamshel without a single ounce of mercy.
Shamshel, after a moment in stunned pain, retaliates by wrapping one of its whips around Shinji and launching him away into a thicket of sharp trees.
He rights himself midair and — in a surprising feat of athleticism — lands straight on his feet, no apparent injuries or scratches on his armor. He instantly dashes back into the fray, progressive knife clenched in palm.
Shamshel shakes itself out of the crater and counterattacks, sending its tentacles back out in a desperate panic, fully focused on the opponent it thought it defeated. The lightning arcs more intensely now. It knows it’s against the ropes with a mostly healthy EVA-01, so Shinji has all of its attention which means I can do… something. Anything.
I can still move, barely. I can use that.
“One minute…!”
Crashing footfalls get closer.
With a final burst of energy, alongside a pain addled roar, I grip one of its whip and pull with my remaining arm, sending Shamshel face first into the ground with a weighty crash. Electricity shoots up my arm, but I ignore the pain, focusing on putting my foot straight over the middle and pulling with every bit of remaining strength in my battered form.
With every bit of will I still have left in my soul.
The limb comes loose with a wet crunch and, attached to the fleshy end of the tentacle, a large, purple organ saturated with an electrifying current. The litany of pulsing veins and arteries stretching around the thick tissue darken to a dull glow before going out entirely.
No blood from the wound.
Just an agonized howl.
It retracts its other tentacle in an instant and impales my stump in a fury filled tantrum, sending volt after volt of pure lightning through everything.
I black out for a single instant, bouncing between consciousness and reality — until light stabs my sight once again.
“Ten… seconds…”
The last thing I see before my power goes out is Shinji bulldozing straight into the mad beast.
A sloppy left hook. A devastating knee. His form is clumsy, but the strength of the blows still send Shamshel reeling.
The perfect opportunity.
He wraps the remaining whip around his free arm, tight and electrifying — locking in the only defense Shamshel has against him — and thrusts into the core.
Shamshel twists.
And flails.
And turns with all the flair of a cornered beast before going limp.
A satisfying sight to see before my mind floats away into darkness.
grommile on Chapter 2 Mon 03 Mar 2025 05:19PM UTC
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reiayanamisbiggestfan (Guest) on Chapter 2 Tue 04 Mar 2025 06:29PM UTC
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crit_locked on Chapter 4 Sun 09 Mar 2025 06:00AM UTC
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T_N_O on Chapter 4 Fri 29 Aug 2025 04:10PM UTC
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T_N_O on Chapter 6 Fri 29 Aug 2025 04:29PM UTC
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arc189 on Chapter 7 Mon 09 Jun 2025 12:54PM UTC
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T_N_O on Chapter 7 Fri 29 Aug 2025 04:36PM UTC
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Mathemagician93 on Chapter 8 Wed 25 Jun 2025 08:05PM UTC
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T_N_O on Chapter 8 Fri 29 Aug 2025 04:49PM UTC
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T_N_O on Chapter 9 Fri 29 Aug 2025 05:01PM UTC
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Satanslaughter on Chapter 10 Wed 23 Jul 2025 12:44AM UTC
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Gendo Glazer (Guest) on Chapter 11 Fri 29 Aug 2025 08:55PM UTC
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