Chapter Text
---
Gen was never the best.
Not the first.
Not the last.
He was lucky, but luck alone wasn't enough to win, to keep going.
He had luck in fame thanks to his luck, but there were expectations so high he could never meet. He had to push himself constantly, losing sleep and overexerting himself to achieve what many did effortlessly.
Gen didn't function like other people. He didn't know when or how, but he had never truly fit in. He was always weird.
He was slender and delicate but also tall and heavy. His feline eyes made him look sharp, but his expressions were overly exaggerated.
And well, his organs were on the opposite side of his body compared to others, and he had a syndrome that turned his hair white. Despite being tall and flexible, he was also clumsy with his own limbs.
And then there was the anemia, which left him weak and exhausted.
Fortunately, none of that mattered when you were a magician-a mentalist, if you were more perceptive.
People found him peculiar and interesting.
It was all one big joke. Being born on April Fool's Day with reversed organs.
He was good-not the best, but good enough to stay famous before people forgot about him in favor of someone better.
But he hated knowing when people lied, when they subtly despised him, or when they hinted too much about him.
Talking to Senkuu had been a relief.
Despite the circumstances in which they met, he couldn't help but be fascinated by the scientist. Even before meeting him, he had felt immensely drawn to him, curiosity buzzing in his fingertips-something he hadn't felt in a long time.
And meeting him was even better. Senkuu was so good that Gen considered him the best. Always reluctant to leave him alone, always making sure Gen was with him whether it was important or not.
Gen felt important, chosen.
For once, he wasn't obligated to meet impossibly high expectations, he didn't have to pretend to be someone he wasn't. And yet, he wanted to please him.
He wanted to reach higher, learn more, be better-to impress Senkuu, to be useful to him.
And he felt like he was succeeding.
When he looked at Senkuu and found him already looking back. When they spent nights watching the stars together. When Senkuu bent his posture for him.
Between tight hearts, cold hands on Perseus' nights, and low laughter with flushed cheeks. All of it made butterflies dance in his stomach, his face heating up at just the thought, the mere idea of Senkuu.
He thought there was only one path.
When Senkuu smiled at his confession in the observatory instead of grimacing in disgust. When they spoke at the edge of Perseus with the salty air on their faces and damp arms. When Senkuu smiled directly at him right before boarding that rocket.
When he returned, and his first words were, "Are you okay, Mentalist?" while holding his hands, as if he hadn't just gone to the moon to defeat Whyman.
Everything made him believe there was only one path to confession and being together.
He wanted to wait until Whyman was gone, until everything was at peace. And Senkuu's longing gaze seemed to say the same.
Everything was so obvious. Their friends teased them and called them embarrassing. His cheeks would burn, and his heart would pound so hard it would echo in his ribs.
But an engagement party proved him wrong.
He didn't even know. No one told him anything. He arrived in Japan, and as soon as he set down his suitcase, they dragged him to an elegant bar that seemed to have been reserved.
Everyone was celebrating.
Kohaku and Senkuu were getting married.
Married. Fuck.
His fingers tightened around the glass in his hands. A lump formed in his throat, making it hard to breathe, and a feeling of fury and grief rushed through his veins, like he didn't know whether to slam himself against the table or throw the plates and demand an answer.
He hadn't spoken to anyone yet-only Tsukasa beside him seemed concerned.
As soon as they saw each other, Tsukasa had spoken briefly. "Are you okay?" as if his only option wasn't about to get married without telling him.
"I didn't know." He answered, because it was the truth.
They sat at a separate table with Hyoga and Homura, all of them quiet and contemplative-none of them particularly energetic. The only odd one out was Gen, who wasn't even trying to talk.
He couldn't speak. The moment he arrived, it was as if his brain had shut down. He was grateful that at least he could move properly and make his body obey him.
His organs, however, were the difficult part.
His distress was so overwhelming that he had no appetite-if he chewed anything, he would vomit.
He was dissociating, unfocused despite knowing he was supposed to say something, act like something. Be functional.
But he couldn't do it. His throat closed up, and when he tried to open his mouth, all he felt was a dry palate and eyes about to cry.
He felt ashamed.
How could he have been so ridiculous? To think that Senkuu would like him. Suddenly, he couldn't remember why he had even thought that in the first place. He had no solid proof-only mistaken and embarrassing fantasies. Senkuu had never shown interest, not really. He had never treated him specially. He had never said anything, never done anything just for him out of mere desire.
Now he thought about Kohaku and all the moments they had shared. Suddenly, he remembered everything perfectly. Senkuu was different with her-looser, more energetic. He leaned on her and trusted her. He had spent more time with her than with him.
He remembered-them hugging, that kiss on the cheek. He went to the moon with her, fuck. It was so obvious, how had he missed all the clues? They had flown right over his head. He had traveled the world to help Senkuu's dream, while Kohaku stayed by his side.
Senkuu, who loved the moon as much as he loved science.
Senkuu didn't dedicate the moon to Kohaku-he took her with him.
He had been wrong.
Now he remembered those moments with their friends and thought they had pitied him. He looked back and felt ashamed. Getting so shy in moments when they only felt sorry for him-he had swallowed sweet words and gone crazy. Senkuu had never said anything in those moments, probably out of discomfort, out of disgust.
Thinking about it now, Senkuu had called it disgusting that night in the observatory. Gen had read too many novels-he saw things that weren't there and made a fool of himself.
He was crazy, incredibly humiliated and ashamed of his terrible behavior.
He wanted to cry from embarrassment and vomit from heartbreak.
He was overanalyzing everything he had said, dissecting every movement and every word he had uttered when he was with Senkuu. Memory after memory, he burned with shame-how could he have been so pathetic? So needy?
God.
He wanted to die of embarrassment, to vanish from that moment, to sleep and never think about this again. To skip his entire life until after the wedding, then disappear from the face of the Earth and never return.
The truth was, ever since the last fight against Dr. Xeno, Gen hadn't been of any use. Even before that, he hadn't really been much help-he got in the way, he was unreliable. People didn't trust him. After betraying Tsukasa, everyone was just waiting for the day he would betray them too.
He was an expert liar. He spoke a lot but said nothing. He had gotten so used to not speaking the truth that he no longer knew how to do it-he no longer knew how to talk normally. Every word he said was planned carefully, every sentence was a calculated lie. His tone of voice shifted depending on who he was talking to.
Dr. Xeno called him fascinating, useful.
Senkuu called him useful and convenient.
Tsukasa called him dangerous.
Ukyo even called him interesting.
Everyone else just called him a liar.
Even the people he spent time with kept a certain level of caution around him.
And now he realized-so did Senkuu.
Maybe Senkuu never said anything because he thought, in some way, Gen would manage to ruin his marriage, to sabotage it. Maybe Senkuu was aware of Gen's feelings but chose to stay silent to keep him on his team. And once things had settled down, he sent him to another country to live his life in peace.
He wasn't useful anymore, that much was true. He wasn't necessary or indispensable. He wasn't wanted or loved.
Shame burned in his bones like poison in his blood.
What an idiot. Someone like him would never have the right to something as pure as love, much less from someone as good as Senkuu.
Gen could barely function properly-his body was defective, his mind twisted. He had a strange idea of love, of right and wrong. He understood people perfectly, yet he did not comprehend them.
He used to not understand how people could fall in love.
Now, he couldn't understand how it was possible not to be in love with Senkuu.
It was something so natural, so intense, and yet so, so soft.
So delicate and innocent.
And of course, it did not belong to Gen, whose hands were dirty and bloodstained.
But Kohaku was beautiful, determined, and strong. She was clear and direct-perfect for Senkuu.
Who was Gen to interfere in their lives?
Who was Gen to intrude on Senkuu's life with his feelings?
He only felt a hand covering his own, giving it a firm squeeze. Without thinking, he turned to his side, unsurprised to see Tsukasa.
"Are you okay?" he asked, and once again, Gen thought it was ridiculous that he even bothered to ask. He had never been this defeated in his life. "I mean, you're obviously not but-eh, I mean... If you wanna leave, we can leave. I'll just say we're too tired for this."
Tsukasa was one of the few who had stayed by his side, probably just because of his job as a bodyguard. But that wasn't entirely true. Tsukasa was honest with him and careful, too. Gen liked the feeling of protection Tsukasa gave him, treating him with such care, as if he were fragile.
Even after betraying him, Tsukasa still looked at him as a friend. It was strange how it had all started with Tsukasa, how he had abandoned him for Senkuu-only for Senkuu to abandon him in turn and hand him back to Tsukasa.
"I'd like to leave," he confessed. He would've liked to stay; it was already suspicious enough that he wasn't being loud and sociable. If he left, people would know something was wrong. But he didn't care-his heart hurt so much that he couldn't bear another second.
He was going to cry. He was going to rip his heart out and throw it away. Or maybe he'd do something crazy like confessing to Senkuu.
Honestly, he wasn't even sure if his legs would betray him when he stood up-he felt as if he didn't have a single ounce of strength left.
And they expected Gen to talk to Senkuu and Kohaku? To smile and give a prophecy about a brighter future, about one soul in two bodies?
No. That was his limit. He could never do such a thing. Not when he had always imagined himself as the one receiving those prophecies beside Senkuu, pressing their intertwined hands together with a warm heart and burning cheeks.
He couldn't do it.
Didn't they see how miserable he was?
They couldn't ask him to do something like that when he was dying inside.
And he didn't know how to convey any of this to Tsukasa. He couldn't say goodbye or say he had to leave, because that would mean offering sweet words to the engaged couple, and he wouldn't be able to say anything without breaking. He didn't know how to explain to Tsukasa that he simply couldn't do it-at least not without collapsing to his knees and sobbing into his pants. He would look pathetically defeated, miserable, pleading.
"Can you stand?" Tsukasa asked softly.
"No." Gen murmured.
"It's okay, I'll carry you, and you'll pretend to be asleep. Tomorrow, I'll just say we had to leave without warning because you dozed off."
It was the first time Tsukasa had said something like that. Suddenly, Gen understood why so many people had followed him without question. He was kind and considerate, and even though he hated lying, he was willing to do it for Gen.
Gen was relieved that he didn't have to say anything-he was sure he would've vomited his guts out if he tried.
A distant thought crossed his mind: was he staining Tsukasa too?
Tsukasa was good. Too good, too kind.
Tsukasa was the kind of person who, after experiencing trauma, learned from it and became a better person.
Gen, on the other hand, was the type who, with every trauma, became worse.
Every event made him more resentful, more withdrawn.
He would sink into depression, shut himself away, scream in rage, and speak with the intent to wound-just to protect himself.
Gen had left to represent the Kingdom of Science for his beloved;
but, more selfishly, he had left to run away.
If Tsukasa were Gen, he would stand up and make a toast for the couple. He would say his goodbyes and go to the wedding. He would be happy, even if the person he loved was marrying someone else.
He would be the first one there if they ever needed anything. He would be as reliable as ever.
But Gen was Gen. And he was more selfish.
Gen was a coward, and he was weak.
So, he stayed silent.
He was a coward because he couldn't be happy for them, and he didn't want to confess his feelings either.
So he decided he would be an asshole about it.
He would act weird and make things uncomfortable, because Gen was an uncomfortable person.
"Alright," he whispered, though it came out needier than he had expected.
Slowly, carefully, he dragged himself into Tsukasa's lap, swinging both legs over his. His hands traced the fabric of Tsukasa's shirt up to his neck, slipping behind it, fingers curling at the nape. Instinctively, he curled into him, making himself small, hiding away.
The moment felt far more intimate than it should have.
He felt weak and fragile.
He closes his eyes as he presses himself further against Tsukasa, feeling the warmth of his body and the comfort of his presence.
He feels so fragile. He focuses only on Tsukasa and lets his mind drift. Tsukasa must feel it too-his movements are gentle, and though his grip is firm, it is also delicate.
He treats Gen like something fragile, something broken.
Gen is broken, but he is not fragile. But right now, he cannot fight it. Right now, he lets himself be comforted.
He knows they leave, he knows someone intercepts them on the way, and he knows the moment they arrive at the room. All of it is a blur, memories smudged together with the sensation of a desperate grip.
Tsukasa lays him down gently on the bed. Gen just sits there, staring at the sheets. Tsukasa's hotel is the same one where everyone will be staying for the night. In the morning, they will all go out for breakfast.
Tsukasa brings him to his room so he doesn't have to bother asking for Gen's room number.
"How do you feel?" Tsukasa asks.
Gen doesn't feel like talking. He's sick of staying silent, but the only way he knows how to speak is through lies.
Tsukasa places a hand on his cheek, and Gen instinctively leans into it. He craves human contact, desperate for comfort.
Gen closes his eyes, simply feeling the rougher, calloused hand against his skin.
"Not well, I see." Tsukasa says, stroking his cheek gently. "I'll help you change so you can sleep, okay?"
And Gen just nods.
He lets Tsukasa undress him, lets him help him into softer, looser clothes.
He lets Tsukasa help him get ready for bed.
And when they lie down to sleep, Tsukasa lets Gen curl up in his arms and cry.
Gen is a silent crier-he rarely cries. But tonight, he feels as if his vocal cords are tearing apart. It's the first time he's ever felt the need to whimper and gasp for air.
And he does.
Because not doing so feels like bleeding out.
And Tsukasa lets him.
Because tonight, he is too tired to stay silent.
---
It isn't until eleven hours later that he wakes up. He has slept for thirteen long hours. At some point in the morning, Tsukasa must have gotten up and left. Now, only Gen remains.
When he wakes again, it's because Tsukasa is shaking him-though Gen has already been awake for half an hour, lacking the will to get up. He already feels his eyes swollen and his face warm. He is so comfortable in his misery, wrapped in Tsukasa's soft, white sheets...
"You need to get up, Gen." Tsukasa sighs. "How do you feel now?"
"Better." he says. He feels like he's drained it all out, and now all that remains is exhaustion in his bones.
Tsukasa reaches into his cocoon of blankets and touches his cheek again, stroking it softly.
"Not much better, from what I see."
Gen knows what Tsukasa is doing. He isn't usually this submissive. If he were in a good mood, he would tease the brunette about his affection, flirt playfully, or even pull away from his touch.
But the Gen of now does nothing.
"I'm better than yesterday."
"Enough to have lunch with Senkuu and the others?" he asks. "We can come up with an excuse, but you know better than anyone that it wouldn't look good for you to miss both the party and lunch."
He says "you" as if it means something more-something deeper and unspoken.
"I know." Gen murmurs. More than anything, he wants to stay wrapped in the cocoon he has built.
Why didn't they tell him sooner?
He could have prepared himself for this.
Maybe he had been wrong, and no one really cared.
Maybe he didn't even have friends.
"I can hear your head making incorrect assumptions," Tsukasa sighed and sat beside him.
Tsukasa was good-kind and considerate.
He held him until Gen sat up properly, then wrapped an arm around his shoulders in a half-embrace.
"I'll be with you; you're not alone. If you feel bad, we'll come up with something-we'll leave early. And if you don't want to talk, then I'll do it for you. I won't let them overwhelm you," he promised.
And honestly, Gen was so exhausted that he didn't care if someone did this much for him.
When this was over, he would make sure Tsukasa was properly repaid for everything he had done. One favor leads to another, doesn't it?
Although Tsukasa and Gen wouldn't be the first pair you'd think of, the truth was, they got along well. They were domestic, natural. Tsukasa was a good older brother-protective and perceptive in a gentle way. Gen, though dramatic, didn't like to explain himself too much. He wasn't actually messy or particularly troublesome.
So, living together while traveling, they developed a routine-not through many words but through silent understanding.
Tsukasa handed Gen a cup of coffee while he showered. Then, Gen took his turn, changing into the clothes that had already been set out for him. He moved to sit on the counter while Tsukasa prepared a small plate of fruit and yogurt-something nutritious before lunch, but not too filling.
They finished quickly, and Gen washed the dishes while Tsukasa finished packing.
Once everything was ready, they headed out.
Lunch was at a café near the hotel, overlooking the sea. It was beautiful-wooden, with golden lights that gave off a sense of warmth and familiarity.
Unfortunately, that only made it more painful when they arrived to see Senkuu and Kohaku looking so intimate as they gazed at the ocean.
Suddenly, Gen realized he couldn't do this. This was the most heartbreaking thing he had ever felt.
The only option he had ever considered, his only love-his first and last love-was marrying their only love.
Gen had always belonged to Senkuu. Even before meeting him, he already knew where his heart was.
But Senkuu had never belonged to him.
Because Senkuu had already met Kohaku.
And they belonged to each other.
And it was true-Gen had never been the chosen one, never the only one.
People looked at him with amusement, with curiosity, but what good is a puzzle once you've solved it?
Once people figured Gen out, they got bored.
People thought too highly of him-someone so simple, so flawed.
Senkuu never saw his flaws.
But he never saw him as someone special, either.
"Bat!" Kohaku turned to them, as perceptive as ever. "My sight never fails me. Looks like you're the first ones here."
Tsukasa took a seat across from Senkuu, and Gen sat beside him, directly across from Kohaku.
He accepted that maybe he was too attached to Tsukasa, but he was his only lifeline-his anchor.
And... something was off.
Kohaku spoke with her usual formidable tone-not too loud, not too sharp.
Something was strange about that, especially considering she was about to get married. Instead, she seemed...
Probably just his imagination.
He had spent years seeing things that weren't there, and now he was doing it again.
He wouldn't let his infatuation cloud his judgment or make him look for flaws in such a special relationship.
"Well, you know Tsukasa-chan-he wakes up early, starts early..." He sighed with fake exhaustion. He was terribly drained and anxious, but not tired. "I couldn't sneak away for more rest. As soon as I woke up, Tsukasa-chan forced me to get changed. So cruel, knowing how exhausted I am." He pouted at Tsukasa.
He could feel Senkuu's gaze on him ever since Kohaku looked their way, but he couldn't face him.
Those red eyes, glowing softly-how did they see him now?
Indifferent?
"Then why did you sleep with him?" Senkuu asked. His voice was deep and precise.
God, he missed him so much.
He loved him so much.
Just his voice was enough to make butterflies erupt in his stomach.
Butterflies caused by a married man, he reminded himself. Don't be disgusting.
Instead, he looked down at the table, as if he'd been caught saying something inappropriate.
"W-well..." Was this too low? He glanced at Tsukasa, but the amused look he got in return was permission to continue. "You know, it was the most practical option."
"And was it practical to wear his clothes?" Senkuu asked.
There was a tone in his voice that Gen didn't recognize, but he didn't focus on it either.
When their eyes met, it felt like his heart stopped.
Not time-because he could feel the anxiety crawling into every one of his fingers.
But his heart definitely stopped.
He swallowed discreetly.
Senkuu's irises were even redder than he remembered, like deep, delicious red wine.
And once again, he felt pathetic.
Because that old urge to please resurfaced, and if Senkuu asked him to, Gen would crawl to him on his knees.
"What are you talking about?" Kohaku interrupted, frowning. "Of course? If Gen was already sleeping at his place, then it was more practical for him to wear Tsukasa's clothes than to go all the way to his own house. Otherwise, it wouldn't be practical anymore."
"Kohaku-chan is absolutely right," he sang.
But Senkuu was still staring at him strangely.
Something deeper.
Something that twisted his insides like a punch knocking the air out of him.
Did he know?
Did he suspect?
"It would have been a quick trip," Senkuu said, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair. He was on the defensive.
"I think he looks good," Tsukasa spoke, and Gen was surprised. He hadn't expected him to interfere. "I like how he looks in my clothes. So even if the trip had been quick, I wouldn't have let him take it."
"Are you implying-?"
"Well now!" Gen clapped his hands together. He wasn't sure what was about to happen, but if it went any further, he'd run out of lies to tell. "I'm really happy for you both! It's-uh, well, unexpected, but... I completely see it."
The moment he finished speaking, he wasn't sure what was happening anymore.
Tsukasa squeezed his hand.
Kohaku smiled, pressing her lips together.
And Senkuu looked away.
"Thank you, rat," Kohaku said softly-unusually so.
Senkuu, however, said nothing.
"These things aren't my strong suit," he finally said. "I thought you'd know my taste and wouldn't come at me with sappy words again."
It sounded so much like Senkuu that it was endearing.
He sat back, and Tsukasa said something too, but it all went over Gen's head.
Did Senkuu said «again»?
Gen had said hundreds of embarrassing things in front of Senkuu, but he never thought he'd acknowledge them.
So what was he talking about?
What other moment was he referring to?
Which one?
What had he thought?
"Gen."
Tsukasa pressed his palm against Gen's.
His mind was blank, but as he moved to listen to Tsukasa better, he also turned to look at Senkuu.
Senkuu was already looking at him.
Deep eyes, completely focused on him, almost like he couldn't look away-drawn in, carrying a heavier emotion.
Tsukasa's hand moves carefully to his lower back-a protective gesture that had surprised him at first but now felt nothing more than casual.
"Do you want to continue?" he asks softly, a whisper meant only for them. But Senkuu is staring so intently that Gen almost believes he can hear them.
Those wine-colored eyes remain fixed on him. Senkuu tilts his head slightly, curious but cautious. Something dangerous.
Gen forces himself to look away. Instead, he turns to Tsukasa, glancing up at him through his lashes and whispering just as quietly,
"Yes."
The rest arrive immediately after, loud and chaotic from the moment they step in.
Taiju is crying as he hugs Senkuu, while his wife, Yuzuriha, simply pats his back. Ukyo immediately takes a seat beside Gen, looking at him for just a fraction of a second before giving his knee a reassuring squeeze.
"I didn't know until yesterday," he whispers.
"You didn't either?"
"Honestly, I have no idea who actually knew about any of this." Ukyo mutters reluctantly. "I haven't seen Ruri-she didn't come to the party last night."
Oh.
Well, that's strange too.
Why would Ruri miss her own sister's engagement party?
"I see..."
Truthfully, the lunch is pleasant if he ignores all the wedding talk. It's nice to be gathered with the rest of the Kingdom of Science again. He had forgotten how fun it was-how freeing it felt to be himself, without having to pretend.
He ignores Senkuu's gaze. He ignores Kohaku's too, because she is far too perceptive.
He will be ready for the wedding. He will be fine.
He will smile, give a toast, offer a gift, and when the time comes, he will say his tears are from joy.
He will be fine.
And though he truly appreciates them all, he couldn't be happier that it's over. He doesn't want to think about Ukyo's words because then he might get false hopes.
He doesn't want to ruin this. Because it's important to Senkuu, and he can't ruin it over his own feelings.
Senkuu was never in love with Gen, but that was fine because Gen had always been in love with Senkuu, and that wouldn't change.
He doesn't say he has enough love for both of them-he isn't that selfless-but he has enough to stay afloat even if Senkuu doesn't love him back.
"Did you ever consider confessing?" Tsukasa asks.
They sit in his car, watching people pass by. His mouth tastes like mint, and Tsukasa drives too carefully.
"I did. With the observatory."
He doesn't explain. Everyone knows about the observatory incident-another reason he's surprised no one has said anything.
"But that was at the beginning," Tsukasa says, not even glancing away from the road. "Didn't you think about confessing again? When he came back from the moon? Or after?"
He did. He thought about it.
But when?
"Things were supposed to be different when Senkuu came back," he murmurs, a piece of his old fantasies-now nightmares. "He would return, and then I'd go back to Japan, we'd talk, and then I'd confess again. Maybe Senkuu would too, I don't know."
But that never happened.
He came back, and Senkuu got married. There were no talks, nothing, not a single chance.
"Maybe before?"
"When?" he snaps with more aggression than he intended. "While Stanley was shooting at him? While Ibarra was chasing us? Or right before he got on a rocket, and we didn't even know if he'd come back? He needed to focus, and my feelings would've been a distraction. He said he wasn't interested in romance until everyone was depetrified. He did that, and he got married-he must've been thinking about it already. If you really look at it, everything fits. I'm surprised I didn't see all the signs before."
"All the signs..." Tsukasa mutters to himself. "They were there, but not for her."
Unfortunately, there isn't much Gen can do to avoid his one-sided love when they work in the same building and attend all the events where all their friends are expected to be.
Since Senkuu specializes in hard sciences at the lab and Gen in social sciences, there aren't many situations where they'd normally run into each other in the hallways. But ever since Senkuu came back, he seemed to have made it his new mission to see Gen every day-every chance he got.
But it was different. Because Gen had come to Japan from time to time, and Senkuu had never acted like this before. Sure, they talked here and there, but the number of times they'd been bumping into each other around the building lately was ridiculous.
They'd meet during meetings with the social relations team (which Senkuu wasn't part of due to his poor social skills and general disinterest), at the entrance of the building, during breaks-even in the bathroom. And sure, all these little encounters could be explained as coincidences, all of them. Except for the one Gen feared the most-the lunch hour.
Normally, food for the scientists was brought to their designated area near their offices. Normally, someone was assigned to drag Senkuu away from his projects to make sure he ate.
Now, however, Senkuu was in the common cafeteria-where Gen took his breaks.
The first time, Gen was surprised and immediately suspicious. Senkuu was a terrible liar (which is why he didn't even try) and an even worse actor.
He stood near a pillar, hands in his pockets, in a way that could seem casual-if it weren't for the way his knee bounced and his fingers twitched every few moments, as if unsure what was normal.
There was also the fact that he was facing the entrance of the Social Sciences department-where Gen had just come from.
Gen didn't even think it was strange at first. He simply walked up to him, assuming Senkuu was waiting to have breakfast together or something-normal for friends.
"Hey, Senkuu-chan! Were you waiting for me?" he sang teasingly.
But Senkuu gave the most suspicious answer, and instantly, Gen connected his weird stance to his obvious denial.
"No, I just came down to have breakfast. The chances of us running into each other here were high. It's just a coincidence."
You were literally standing here without even getting a food tray.
"Ohh, I see, you're right, Senkuu-chan."
Gen decided to ignore it-for now. It was best not to irritate him before having a solid hypothesis. If Senkuu thought he was doing a good job at hiding it, it would be easier to figure out his plan.
"Well, would you humor me and keep me company while I eat?"
Senkuu didn't hesitate before heading toward the trays.
"Make it quick. I don't have much time," he muttered, but his tone wasn't harsh-it was... almost careful.
Maybe, if you hadn't been standing there for God knows how long-what were you even waiting for?
In the end, Gen never got an answer. He thought Senkuu wanted to say something, to ask something-but he never did.
The second time it happened, it was basically the same-Senkuu waiting and pretending not to, and Gen choosing to spare him the embarrassment by pretending not to notice.
Then came the third time, and the fourth...
One time, Gen simply didn't leave his office. But Senkuu walked in to drag him out, claiming someone else was about to, but that Senkuu (in his infinite kindness) had decided to do it himself.
They ended up having breakfast more than half an hour late. Both of them.
This time, however, Gen was determined to confront him once and for all.
He enjoyed their time together, treasured their conversations, and loved how freely he could look at Senkuu. He kept every moment close to his heart. But he couldn't shake the feeling that Senkuu was hiding something. The unspoken words weighed on him, and he couldn't fully relax.
It was a feeling he had experienced before. And he hated it.
Working with someone, talking to someone, but knowing there's something they're not telling you. Something they're holding back.
He despised it because there was always a request behind it. Something more. Something that would change how he saw them.
Gen wasn't stupid or oblivious. He knew he was good at mentalism. He knew he was useful. That's why he had always been careful-because there was always someone who wanted to use that usefulness.
And though Senkuu had used his skills, it had been different. Because he used his abilities, but he never used him. Because Senkuu's wishes were always so genuine that they seemed fragile. He had never given Gen that feeling before.
But now, Senkuu was giving him that feeling.
And Gen would do anything for Senkuu-even if it destroyed him. Even if Senkuu decided to use him, Gen would accept it. But it would hurt.
"Hey, Senkuu-chan..." he started, his tone happy, light, and careful.
He glanced at Senkuu, who was already looking at him-mid-bite.
"There's something you want to tell me, isn't there? I think we've delayed your request long enough."
Senkuu blinked and swallowed, uncertain. He was being cautious.
"There... there is something."
Gen hummed for him to continue.
"I..." He hesitated-so out of character. His eyes darted around the cafeteria before placing his hands on his thighs and, without looking at Gen, continued. "I need advice. Several, actually."
"About your wedding?"
"About my wedding."
Well, of course.
He knew it was coming. It was only logical.
But that didn't mean it didn't hurt.
Yet, he swallowed the lump in his throat, smiled, and began his act.
A cheerful and playful voice, a wide, curved smile. He rested his elbow on the table and his cheek against his hand. Looking at him from the side, with his pupils beneath his eyelashes, he spoke.
"Ooh~ Senku-chan, who would have thought you'd care so much about being a good husband? I suppose marriage does that. Love suits you."
And Senku blinked-once, then again. He fixed his gaze directly on him, shifting his eyes around his face.
"Are you trying to deceive me?"
Eh?
"Eh?" He blinked back. Almost broke his posture but recovered in a split second-just enough that his body showed no nervous change. Instead, he displayed a controlled but seemingly genuine confusion. "What are you talking about?"
It was an impeccable act, on par with the small movies and TV shows he had been in. Natural. And that's what made it convincing.
Senku opened his mouth and narrowed his eyes, eyebrows furrowing before he finally sighed. "Listen, I don't know... I, uh-h-how am I supposed to know what it's like to be married?"
"What do you mean?"
"Marriage." He let out, exasperated. "What's it supposed to be like before and after? How does it all work? How does it feel?"
Gen easily understood what Senku was asking. It was no secret that the scientist had trouble identifying his own emotions. He just never thought he'd be asking that now-to him.
"I wouldn't know what to tell you, dear Senku-chan. I've never been married." He laughed.
"And love?"
Oh.
Truly... how unfortunate.
"Well, that's..." He realized his throat was dry, that his fingers were trembling-so he hid them beneath the sleeves of his coat. "It's hard to explain..."
"I'll listen." Senku said immediately.
Of course. Senku must have had the greatest patience to ever exist.
And he was also stubborn-so determined that Gen knew there was no way out of this without answering.
"Well. Love is..." Painful. It's awful, and he wished he'd never felt it. Especially now, his love was killing him, and he was only waiting for the moment it would finally stop. "It's different for everyone."
"What's yours like?"
"Intense." He swallowed and sighed. "It feels like it could swallow me whole. It's not just good or bad. There are moments when I wish it didn't exist, but this love I have... it's mine."
God, this is terrible. His leg bounced anxiously, and he held back the need to drum his fingers against the table.
He wanted to disappear-he felt raw and vulnerable. He wanted to lie. Why did he say that? Why didn't he say something simpler? But one look at the scientist showed him that Senku wanted him to continue, his eyes reflecting curiosity and wonder.
"It's routine. It's intense but also soft. When you're with that person... it becomes soft, it's relaxing. You take pride in every little thing, you find yourself doing things just to please them... and when you see them satisfied... then it becomes intense. It's strange to explain-wanting the best for them, wanting to care for them and be cared for. Wanting that attention."
He stopped suddenly-he was thinking too much. He wanted to spill everything now that he had started, but he cut himself off.
"Kohaku-chan..." He didn't know what he was about to say. "Senku-chan... you might feel your love in a different way. But..." He sighed, almost gasping as if out of breath-he was drowning. "You'll know. I'm sure you know."
He turned to Senku with a look more vulnerable than he wanted.
"Senku, I..."
"God! There you are!"
Chrome slammed his hands against the table. "I've been looking for you everywhere! What are you even doing in the common cafeteria? You never come here-wait, is this where you've been sneaking off to these days?"
God. What was he about to say?
He gasped-he was truly losing his mind. He felt anxious, out of breath. He clenched his hands-without realizing it, they had been shaking.
He blinked in confusion. When did he get so close to Senku?
He almost needed to blink several times to regain his vision. His heart was pounding wildly, his mind was covered in a thick fog-he felt drugged, almost.
"Chrome-now's not the time, give me a second, I'll be there in a second."
Was that anger he heard in Senku's voice?
"And what am I supposed to-"
"Chrome-"
"I have to go." He gasped-he wasn't looking at anyone. His cheeks burned with embarrassment, and he wanted to cry and vomit. God, he wanted to die if only to disappear from there.
"Gen-"
"I have... uh-I have this thing I need to do... and I uh-already took too much time."
He got up anxiously, his chair making an unpleasant screech as it moved.
Pathetic, it was truly pathetic. He was running away in a panic, and it was painfully obvious.
His mind wasn't forming any useful words-he was spewing out whatever he could to try and save himself.
"Wait-"
"Gen? Senku, what did you do?"
"Shut up, Gen, wait-"
He left.
He couldn't keep listening.
His reputation was tarnished, and he had about two hours to come up with a reason why he panicked like that.
Gen, a mentalist whose reputation preceded him for deceiving thousands on television and in live performances-for fooling lie detectors and infiltrating enemy kingdoms twice for time and information; Gen, who panicked when the love of his life asked him what love felt like.
Everyone has their Achilles' heel, he supposed.
His was loving a man so deeply, so desperately-who was about to get married.
The love of his life was marrying his love of life.
He should have known better than anyone that he wasn't meant for that love.
Senku was so genuine. So... clean.
And Gen was contaminated-imperfect in every sense of the word, inside and out.
And it wasn't about low self-esteem. He had been on television not just because of his knowledge of psychology and talent in magic. But also because of his tall, slim figure, his flawless white skin.
More than once, he had received proposals from women and men-handsome, famous, wealthy.
But Gen was... Gen.
He simply couldn't do it-it felt so undeserved that he rejected them all, unable to handle the intimacy that came with it.
Of course, he wasn't a virgin. He had lost it to a girlfriend during his teenage years. Then he had a boyfriend later, early in his career.
But he hadn't maintained constant sexual relationships with either of them.
The first relationship didn't last long-they did it once more before breaking up.
The second lasted about a year-they first did it seven months in, and after that, not much. Both were celebrities, traveling too often to sync their schedules.
And having had only two relationships up until now-despite his fame-well, it was a surprise.
People labeled him a playboy for his flirtatious attitude, yet they were so far from the truth.
Gen was, in reality, a romantic.
He felt too vulnerable to share a bed with someone. He felt exposed when someone looked at him unclothed.
So, he chose not to.
The world of fame was complicated-dangerous in some aspects. It was easier simply not to and avoid the worry.
He enjoyed kissing. He enjoyed feeling desired.
But he never went further than that.
He had an uncountable record of kisses.
But a very limited list of relationships.