Chapter 1: Rules for Zombieland
Chapter Text
Chapter 1 - Rules for Zombieland
There was a little American flag flapping about in the wind. Someone was watching it and getting into narration.
Oh, America… I wish I could tell you this was still America but I’ve come to realize you can’t have a country without people.”
The little American flag was actually upside down, though, since the car it was attached to was upside down, too.
“And there’s no people here.”
Then that someone, after looking at discarded guns and car wreckage sites, noticed a camera guy trying to record the scene before him. Then a lumbering person jumped out from behind the upside down car and went after them.
“Go back! Fuck! ”
That was the last thing the camera guy said before devolving into pained, agonized screams. All thanks to the lumbering person jumping on him and tearing apart his flesh via mouth and teeth. Rather, all thanks to zombie.
The first person backed away quietly while the zombie was busy eating and then trying. As much as he would have wanted to help the poor guy, the zombie already claimed its meal and did it too fast to really intervene. So there was no helping anybody in this case.
Of course, the someone continued his monologue in a whisper. “No, my friends… We’re now in the United States of Zombieland. It’s amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total catastrophe. And why am I alive when everyone around me has turned into meat? It’s because of my list of rules.”
The someone had flashed back to instances of other survivors he’s encountered or seen but couldn’t save. The first one was a fat man in a football field trying to keep ahead of a zombie.
“Rule number 1 for surviving Zombieland: Cardio.”
“Fuck!” The fat man yelled when he saw the zombie getting closer when looking over his shoulder.
Someone’s monologue. “When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were, well, the fatties.”
The zombie tackled down the fat man and bit into his throat.
“Poor fat bastard.”
Then the flash backs switched to cars colliding on the street.
“But as the infection spread and the chaos grew…”
There were plenty of zombies feasting on those streets, too.
“It wasn’t enough to just be fast on your feet.”
A zombie got hit by a car and rolled around on the road.
“You had to get a gun and learn how to use it.”
That zombie headed straight for a woman, who immediately took out a gun from her purse.
“Which leads me to my second rule: the Double Tap.”
The woman got to shooting and the zombie was down.
“In those moments when you’re not sure the undead are really ‘dead’ dead…”
Then the woman nudged the zombie with her foot, like she was double checking if the corpse was a real corpse now.
“Don’t get stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head…”
The zombie had gotten up and taken the woman by surprise, chewing on her ankle.
“…this lady could have avoided being a human Happy Meal.”
Then a couple more zombies piled on said Happy Meal.
“Could’ve, would’ve, should’ve, as people say.”
The flash backs were over and the man who was doing the monologue found a bathroom to use. He passed by the mirrors, seeing his own freckled face and somewhat messy platinum blonde hair.
It wasn’t long before the zombies began to get clever...
Someone else was using the bathrooms at the time, although the freckled guy was trying to do his business quietly. Not just because of the zombies but also because he’s got a shy bladder. Really, he personally didn't like the odds of another guy in the bathroom with him, which also means his monologue needed to be internal.
“When you’re at your most vulnerable, they could just smell it somehow.”
There was thumping against the doors. The anxious blonde froze up and became silent but the other person spoke up all casual-like.
“Can’t a guy take a dumper in peace?”
The second guy would have gone back to his book but then noticed a zombie crawling under the stall door.
Really, the freckled guy was lucky that the zombie had gotten the other person first instead of himself. Although someone’s pants weren’t so lucky.
Don’t let them catch you with your pants down. Rule 3, beware of bathrooms...
The frightened blonde left the bathroom and took care of his pants. While he did so - with the utmost awareness, of course - he flashed back to the site of a little girls’ party, where all those little girls were dressed as princesses. Also, they were zombies. One of the mothers was struggling to see through her tears as she tried starting up her car.
“As zombies began to outnumber humans… well, that’s when you had to cut all emotional ties.”
(Because yeah, he was alone again so he got to monologue out loud). In the flash back, the mother whipped her head left and right, seeing all the little girls banging on the windows in an attempt to get in.
“If the girls in your neighborhood are now messed-up little monsters…”
Finally, the mother managed to start the car properly and slam on the brakes. One zombie girl tried holding on by the bumper but was shaken off. Although two still managed to cling to the vehicle.
“…well, maybe it’s time to stop driving carpool.”
The group of girls tried following the car but obviously, even as a zombie, you can’t catch up to a car. The other two girls also lost their grip and rolled around on the road.
“You had to focus on your own survival, which leads to rule number four. Very basic.”
The mother looked over her shoulder, tearing up again when she recalled seeing her daughter become a flesh-eating monster. Then she turned back to the road, her tears not really stopping. However, the watery eyes prevented her from properly seeing a truck that was coming in from the side. Now, the collision would have been bad enough but then the poor lady ended up flying through the front car window and onto the street.
“Fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.”
The lady had skidded across the road, blood trailing behind her. Even if zombies don't kill her, the aftermath of that crash probably will. Then the zombies will catch up to her and start to chow down.
Chapter 2: Following the Rules
Summary:
Moxxie has only his thoughts as his company during his journey. At least until he gets real company
Notes:
Well, this is all I'm posting today since there's Easter plans and everything but Happy Easter to you all
Chapter Text
Chapter 2 - Following the Rules
The freckled guy had continued walking, now just recollecting more of the chaos he’s seen or heard about during the course of his journey.
A man in a prison tower jumping off to avoid being eaten by a zombie convict. A lady holding a milkshake in her hands while she’s running away from a zombie on the sidewalk. A homeless man with a ‘the end is near’ sign around himself while being surrounded by zombies. A robber who had to ditch his briefcase full of money to get away from zombies, his car being too up in flames to help. S.W.A.T. members defending themselves with their clear shield things. A bride attacking her groom during their wedding. A guy smashing the window of a shop to get in and hopefully find a safe spot from the zombies chasing him. A stripper chasing down men who are both aroused and terrified as they run away. A man tackling another while he was busy doing mechanic’s work on an elevated car. A father and son with their legs tied together trying to get away from zombified fathers and sons whose legs are also tied together. A man running away from a zombie with his house being a pile of rubble. A pair of firefighters who are dealing with not just fire but also a zombie on fire. A guy dressed up like James Bond or whatever while shooting down the zombies around him. A priest jumping in front of the car because he’s a zombie.
The freckled guy was at a gas station and filling up a car, now getting into a quiet, muttering monologue. “It’s me down here in Garland, Texas. It may look like zombies destroyed this place but, really, that’s actually just Garland. Two months since patient zero took a bite of a contaminated burger…”
He looked up at what kind of store the gas station had. “… at a Gas N’ Gulp.”
The someone walked over to the gas station, keeping a tight grip on his rifle.
“Just two months and I might be the last non-cannibal freak in the country. I may seem like an unlikely survivor, with all my phobias and irritable-bowl syndrome, but I had the advantage of never having any friends or any close family.”
The anxious blonde approached a door, being as cautious as ever.
“I survive because I play it safe and follow the rules.”
A slow reach for the doorknob, especially since the room he’s about to enter is a bathroom.
“My rules.”
The anxious blonde stopped when he saw the blood on the knob and had a feeling. The next thing he knows, a zombie barged past the door and began going after him.
The freckled guy begins getting the fuck out of dodge, still carrying the rifle. It was a perfect shot but another zombie was close behind, the shuffling sounds from the bathroom being detectable indicators of that. Then he saw another zombie round the fill-er up stations and shot that one, too.
Of course, the sharpshooter only got that zombie by the side and so he was still being chased. And there was the second zombie from the bathroom, also having toilet paper stuck to their foot. At least the freckled guy managed to follow through with his first rule throughout the parking lot. He even got to have some distance between himself and the two zombies and should buy enough time to get in the car and start it up. At least, the platinum blonde would have, if he hadn’t dropped the keys on the ground.
“Oh, crumbs…”
Then he got going again in a large circle around the parking lot. He still managed to stay ahead of the zombies and pick up the car keys. Then the pursued blonde had to do another circle again when he couldn't put the key in the slot in time. At the next try, he found that he was putting it the wrong way.
“Of course…”
The freckled guy still managed to open the door, though. He quickly stepped inside and locked the car, all the while the zombies were pounding on the door. At least it wasn’t long before the car got started and moving. The nervous male let out a sigh of relief, believing to be safe. Then, of course, another zombie sprung up from the back seat and freaking the driver out.
The car was made to swerve this way and that. At least up until it slammed against the store window of a toy shop. Then the zombie was made to fly through the front car window, the driver staying in because he followed his fourth rule.
Of course, the zombie fucking gets up, spitting out the glass in their mouth, and heads back to the car with the freckled guy inside.
“Oh motherfuck-!“
Then the zombie climbs on the hood and tries reaching for him through the damaged hole of the window. The freckled guy stays back as far as he can while setting up the next bullet for this flesh-eater here. It took a while setting up but he managed to shoot and hit the mark. However, the decomposing flesh-eater was still flailing about and the one who shot them knew that.
So the sharpshooter stepped up and got around the car as fast as he could. Then he followed through on his second rule. Finally, at last, he slumped down on the ground. He muttered, “on the bright side, I had found a place to go number two…”
The platinum blonde had finished up his business with no further mishaps or trouble, found a safe place to sleep for the night, and got to walking on the highway the next day. He dragged a wheeled briefcase behind him.
“Rule seven to surviving zombieland… travel light. And I don’t mean just luggage.”
The freckled guy jumped and aimed his gun when he thought he saw someone colorfully dressed albeit muddy. However, he somewhat calmed when he saw that it was just a window sticker of a clown. He shuddered and sped away from it a little.
"I’ve always been kind of a loner. I avoided people like they were zombies… even before they became zombies. Now that they’re truly all zombies, I kind of miss people. So I’m on my way from my college dorm in Austin, Texas to Columbus, Ohio, where I’m hoping my parents are still alive. Even though we were never really close… it would be nice to see a familiar face. Or any face that doesn’t have blood dripping from its lip or flesh between its teeth…”
Then the platinum blonde stopped muttering when he heard something other than his own voice. It was a car driving down the road. Normally, he wouldn’t think anything of it but then he saw that it had some armor kind of deal at the front, perfect for inflicting major damage to anything the vehicle rams itself against. So the cautious sharpshooter begins to run up ahead; he particularly got worried when the car drove down the small hill to get to the road he’s on.
The freckled guy ran up even more until he hid behind a car, holding up his rifle. Then the armored car came up near him on the road, coming to a stop. The anxious blonde got more worried now and so hastily picked up a motorcycle that was also close by. He propped his rifle on the seat and got ready to shoot at the first sign of funny business.
He hoped there wouldn't be any funny business.
Chapter 3: No Names
Summary:
Moxxie meets a man who insists on not getting close, although how closely they go with that boundary is yet to be seen
Notes:
Okay, I mixed up the days yesterday. At the very least, I didn't realize it was Sunday when I updated the 2010s Freaky Friday parody. So I'll be updating this today when I would have the Freaky Friday one. Hope you enjoy it!
Chapter Text
Chapter 3 - No Names
A man bigger than the freckled blonde came out. He was wearing a pair of leather cowboy boots with horse designs on it. He also had a pair of blue denim jeans, a black leather jacket with spikes on the shoulders, a red shirt underneath, and a red skull pendant around his neck. Finally, adorning his head was a cowboy hat and a pair of shades. The freckled guy wasn’t sure what to make of this guy. He wanted to believe that this wouldn’t be an ugly encounter but, then again, he knows that he can’t just latch onto that hope.
Sure enough, this leather-clad man flipped off his shades and reached into his holster, which was attached to his pants and hidden under his jacket. The smaller man’s gaze grew more steely and he stood up, still ready with his rifle. The other guy wasn’t fazed in the slightest and so just finished positioning his pistol. It was obviously only capable of holding a few bullets but it didn’t feel like the wielder of it would be a bad shot.
The two men stared each other down for a while, holding their guns and pointing them at each other. However, nothing really happened. It seemed that neither one of them was going to dive head-first into a shootout. So at getting that idea, the smaller man went ahead and took a hand off his revolver. The other guy lifted a brow but otherwise didn’t move. Then the freckled guy held up his thumb, as in a hitchhiker’s thumb.
That had gotten the smaller man a nod, an indication that, yeah, he’ll get a ride. So the freckled guy went ahead and got his luggage. Then he walked over to the front passenger. In the meantime, the leather-clad man walked over to the motorcycle and kicked it down before heading back to the driver’s seat of his car.
“Thank you,” the freckled guy voiced as he opened the door. Then, when he had settled in and buckled in his seat belt, he turned around and looked at the back seat.
“What the fuck are you checking for?” The other guy asked, annoyed.
“Nothing. I just have this list of rules for myself.” Rule 31, check the back seat
“No one back there but my duffel bag.”
“Right.” The freckled guy took a second before aligning himself back properly. Then, “what’s your name?”
“Stop right there, bitch. No names. Keeps us from getting too familiar.”
The leather-clad man made a quick, sudden motion with a rather large knife in his hands, making the freckled one jerk back. Then the latter said, “You almost knocked over your alcohol with your knife.”
Then at seeing the designated driver about to open the alcohol bottle with his knife, “oh, that’s okay. You don’t have to-“
“So where you headed?”
“Columbus. You?”
“Tallahassee.”
The freckled guy made sure that his… ally? Temporary ally? Well, he made sure the guy was too busy drinking straight from the bottle to notice the alcohol offered in the shot glass being tossed out the window. Although the freckled guy did press that glass against his lips for show.
Then at being offered some more, “no, one for me. One and done, I always say. I said that once.”
Because one thing’s for sure. Even if he did want to drink, he so as fuck wasn’t going to be taking any more alcohol from a bottle that was directly drank from by someone else.
“You know,” the smaller man started, “Columbus and Tallahassee are both east.”
“So?”
“So, do you want to stick together? At least for a while? Oh, and since we’ll still need to call each other something along the way, how about you call me Moxxie?”
An amused grunt. Then, “here’s the deal, Moxxie. I’m not exactly easy to get along with – you can ask just anyone who knows me, if there’s any left – and I’m sensing you’re bit of a bitch boy.”
“Wha-!?”
“So I give this relationship to about Texarkana.”
“Really?” After taking a moment or two of calming his nerves down. “Well, yes. You’ll take me as far as Texarkana.”
“Fine. And call me Blitz.”
Moxxie smiled, evidently happy for having a companion along the way, despite how said companion insulted him only a minute ago. A zombie apocalypse would lower standards a little.
“Okay, then! Blitz.” There was a dopey-looking smile creeping on Moxxie’s face; not that he was actually attracted to the bigger guy but he had a good feeling for some reason.
Not that the feelings were mutual. “You’re a peppy, little spit-fuck, aren’t you?”
Chapter 4: Treats and Phobias
Summary:
One guy is obsessed with tasty treats and the other is obsessed with his irrational fears. Surely, a badass team in the making
Chapter Text
Chapter 4 - Treats and Phobias
“You might want to buckle up. You know, for safety.”
“I can tell already you are gonna get on my nerves…”
Moxxie continued a monologue in his head, since it would be weird to Blitz if he just started talking out loud.
Even though teaming up wasn’t really my style, I figured I’d be safer with Blitz. You see, he was in the ass-kicking business. And-
“Business is good…” the driver muttered, seeming lost in thought.
It became quickly apparent that he had one weakness. Well, possibly the biggest
Sure enough, both men were standing on the edge of the road, looking down at the forest below. Specifically, there was a deserted white vehicle within their sights.
“What are we doing here?” Moxxie asked.
“Well, we're taking a fuckin’ look. It’s a goddamn Hostess truck.”
“Yes, I see that. A Hostess truck. What about it?”
“I could use a Twinkie.” After taking some steps, “you coming?”
“Uh… yes. Yes. Just one second.”
Then the freckled guy started doing various exercises while holding the rifle. It had certainly curtained an amused chuckle from the bigger guy.
“Are you fucking with me?”
“No. I’m just following rule 18 – limber up. Actually, you should limber up as well, especially if you’re going down that hill. It’s very important.”
“I don’t believe in that shit. You ever seen a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?”
Moxxie would have loved to point out how it’s different for humans than it would be for wildcats but he could tell that Blitz would revel in being an asshole. So the freckled guy just went ahead and followed after the skull-pendant adorned one, hoping that he’s done enough limbering up. Soon, the two men were next to the back doors of the truck. Blitz lifted up a foot to kick it, presumably to check for any zombies. Then he put a hand to the handle, while Moxxie was ready with the rifle.
Then the doors were pulled open and out came was a little flood of snowballs. The freckled guy was tempted to take one and eat it. Actually, he proceeded to do exactly that, opening a package he grabbed while the leather-clad guy was rummaging through the pile in search for his hoped-for prize.
“Snowballs?” Blitz voiced in irritation.
“Yeah, it seems like it.” Moxxie took a bite.
“Fuc-king snowballs!? Where are the fucking-!” Then at stomping on the pile and even throwing some around, “TWINKIES!?!??!”
“Well, I like snowballs.”
“Yeah, well, I hate the coconut. Not the taste. Consistency.”
“At least these are fresh.”
“Oh, this twinkie thing. It ain’t over yet.”
At that, Blitz walked away, heading back to his car. Moxxie followed but not without taking a few packages of snowballs. Why not? It is food and he might not have another thing to eat for a while. Of course, the rest will be left for others to find and feast on themselves. The freckled male only hopes that it wouldn’t turn into anything bloody when they see all this.
Moxxie requested, “Now, this may be a bad time but I suppose we could scrounge at the super bowl?”
“Really?”
“Really.”
Although, along the way, they made a stop at a rest stop. Blitz passed the time by practicing some fight moves while holding a knife in his hands. Moxxie was being wary of the bathrooms, as one of his rules indicate.
Yeah, I know. Again? So soon? What can I say? I have a case of chronic anxiety.
The freckled man knocked the door open with the butt of his rifle.
The truth is, I’ve always been kind of phobic. I found a lot of things disturbing. Undertow, department store Santas, being left alone with a baby…
He kept going until the last stall, from which he took some toilet paper. Then he walked into the closest to the door stall to use it.
But the thing I fear more than anything, yes, even more than zombies…
Moxxie was nervous as he did his business on the John, which was difficult for him to do when in such a state. He quickly held his rifle in shooting position and even almost fired when he imagined a maimed-looking smiling apple costume with clown makeup on its face moving about under the stall door.
Fucking mascots. Specifically, ones for amusement parks. Especially clown mascots at amusement parks
Chapter 5: Living in the Memory
Summary:
Moxxie thought back to his very first day of the zombie apocalypse, when he thought he might be able to turn his life around with the help of a girl
Notes:
Wanna put this in before I forget but Happy Mother's Day, Mom
Chapter Text
Chapter 5 - Living in the Memory
Moxxie sighed and just gets to using the toilet paper, folding it in a rather meticulous way.
When you’re afraid of everything that’s out there, you quit going out there. Which is what happened to me before Zombieland
Now Moxxie’s head flashed back to the day before shit hit the fan for him. He was sitting at his desk and fiddling around on his computer.
Friday night. Third straight weekend indoors. Dungeons and Dragons Discord. A hasty decision to create a leaning tower of pizzas and ingest as much Mountain Dew because I kept feeling alone. Cooking is normally my hobby, passion, even, but it lessened over the years. It just became harder and harder to even want to do. Pride was nowhere to be found. Dignity was long gone. Virginity… totally justifiable to speculate on.
Moxxie in the flashback had gotten up from his seat to use the bathroom, particularly when he did a slip-up and spilled his drink on his shirt.
My whole life, all I ever wanted was to meet someone and fall in love. Bring them home to meet the folks
The freckled guy took off his ‘virginity rocks’ t-shirt and reached for a hand towel hanging up. He began dabbing at himself for whatever soaked through his shirt and got on his skin.
Then again, since my parents are a pair of paranoid shut-ins like me, maybe I can be brought home to their folks. Then I can finally be a member of an actual, properly functioning family
Moxxie then heard a rapid series of knocks on the door, accompanied with someone pleading, “408! Please, is anyone home? It’s an emergency!”
I don’t usually unlock my door to the sounds of panic but my neighbor, Verosika, who lives in 406, well… I feel like a scumbag for this but Verosika is an incredibly attractive woman.
The freckled guy put on a yellow hoodie and opened the door to let in a woman with dyed blonde hair and an hourglass figure, her breasts sporting clear cleavage in her black and white dress. The dress was short enough to show her just as clearly the thigh-high high-heeled boots.
Moxxie was in awe of Verosika and he thought his head was going to explode when he got a face full of breasts in his face when the latter hugged the former. Her stream of thank you’s were almost completely muted in his ears as a result.
It was a bunch of seconds of this before Moxxie finally found his voice again. “N-nice to meet you…”
Later, the freckled guy was pouring some milk he microwaved in a mug. He would have preferred to actually boil it a little but he could see that his guest could use some soothing as soon as possible.
So Moxxie handed Verosika the mug when he was able. “Here. Be careful as you sip.”
When the blonde lady took a cautious sip, she went, “warm milk?”
“Uh, yes. Because I thought it would go well with this bag of Golden Grahams. They’re still nice and crisp thanks to this Ziploc bag.”
Verosika just looked at him with a blank kind of stare, like she’s not sure what to make of the freckled guy.
“I’ll just- I’ll just put these here, good. Um… can you tell me what happened?”
“Well… there was this guy. He looked homeless. And sick. I was on my way home from the bar and talking on my phone. And then he just came… sprinting towards me! I mean, not running. Sprinting!”
Moxxie twisted his face, pondering over what the fuck could have happened. What could have been going on with that strange guy."
“And I-I thought, you know, he was running from someone or even after someone. I know one dickhead I would have loved to go after. But the last I saw him, he was out there, going crazy…”
“Maybe it was drugs?”
Verosika groaned before she took another sip. “I didn’t even tell you the worst part.”
“Yeah?”
“He tried to bite me.”
Moxxie nervous laughed but looked way more freaked out. Then, “You’re right; that’s the worst part."
“Sorry… I’m just so freaked out. It was scary shit, what I just went through.”
“No, no, you should be scared. Some bizarre man just tried to eat you! That’s the right kind of scared. The reasonable kind of scared. I should know; I get scared over things that don’t make sense at all. Like clowns with their big, red noses or the rags people use to wipe down tables when you finish eating.” Moxxie faltered a bit when meeting Verosika’s confused and kind of critical gaze. “Like, you know, at chain restaurants?”
“Really?”
“L-look, the point is, I’m here for you, okay? And as long as you’re by my side, I’m not leaving this apartment.”
“…do you mind if I just close my eyes for a bit?”
“No, of course. Of course.”
“Thank you…” Verosika capped it off with a kiss to the cheek before laying down on the couch and resting her head on Moxxie’s shoulder.
Setting aside the feverish, homeless cannibal that Verosika had talked about, I’m living the dream. I-I always… my whole life… brush someone’s hair over their ear, whether they be a beautiful woman or a handsome man
“Good night…” Verosika said before dozing off.
“Good night,” Moxxie replied back, almost automatically. Then he debated within himself to actually go through with his desire to brush through Verosika’s hair. Although he fell asleep soon enough, too.
Chapter 6: Now Undead in the Memory
Summary:
Moxxie's memories got to the point where, right when things were looking up, they began looking down
Chapter Text
Chapter 6 - Now Undead in the Memory
Some time later, Moxxie was naturally waking up. Then he got fully jolted out of his sleep when his companion lunged towards him. Verosika’s ‘new look’ was another contributing factor behind the freckled man waking up.
Really, why wouldn’t it? The female neighbor was actually rotting here and there on her face and had glossy, mis-colored eyes. Then there was the fucking bile or whatever the hell it was spilling out of her mouth. No matter what that gooey stuff spilling out of her mouth was, it was the most obvious thing ever that it wasn't natural.
“A-are you okay…?” Moxxie asked as he got off the couch and backed away.
Then Verosika jumped off the couch herself and lunged and jerked about, much like a zombie.
“Okay, okay, okay! Stop, stop, stop! What are you doing!?”
No response except for a screech and a swipe of the hand. Moxxie dodged it and ran away a bit, even throwing a chair between himself and the now feral girl. The freckled man went to the kitchen and picked up the first thing he could to defend himself with, which was a blender.
“Okay, stay back, Verosika. Okay? I don’t want to hurt you-“
Then the top half of the blender promptly fell off and hit the floor.
“Crumbs.”
Verosika proceeded to lunge towards Moxxie, who yelped and ran out of the way. The former hit the fridge but picked the chase back up again like she never even ran into anything.
The freckled guy ran straight towards the door to the bathroom but his attacker managed to intercept. He tried shutting the door on her but her foot was in the way. With the force of the two opposing forces there, it resulted in bone sticking out of Verosika’s heel, which was shown since she took her boots off before officially taking shelter in Moxxie’s apartment at least for the night. Although that whole thing about the jutting bone didn’t seem to stop Verosika whatsoever on her way in.
“Oh, my crumbs, I’m so fucking sorry!”
Then Moxxie tried running and hiding in the little pantry he used to store towels, since it was the only available door left to use as a barrier between himself and the savage Verosika. However, said savage managed to beat him to it and grab him and throw him down on the floor. The only good thing for the freckled man was that he accidentally tore down the shower curtains on the way down and so thought fast and draped over Verosika’s head with them. It succeeded in saving him but only momentarily.
Moxxie scooted back to the underside of the sink. Of course, Verosika tried to bite him even through the curtains; she even managed to tear through them with her tongue. It made for a pretty nasty picture, what with the blood and bile dripping out.
The freckled man grabbed whatever he could and threw it at his assailant. A bag of cotton balls, toilet paper, even tried spraying bug spray in those open, snapping jaws. Finally, he got up and quickly grabbed the top lid of the toilet and whaled down on Verosika’s head.
Once he was done, Moxxie had stepped out of the room and away from its door as fast as he could. He held up the toilet lid and was prepared to use it as a weapon again if it needed to. Although he was pretty shaken up by the experience, considering the fact all this murder-y madness came from someone he was attracted to.
You see, you can’t trust anyone. The first woman I ever invite in my home and she tries to get me. I’m certain it would happen the same way if it was a handsome man
Of course, given this is a flashback in Moxxie’s head, the freckled man tried pleading to the undead girl from his bathroom.
“Please… listen to me- for a sec… if you’re in there… you’re just-“
Moxxie couldn’t finish because Verosika had screamed and then walked towards the poor guy, even with a heel with bone jutting out more than before. With the foot clearly being bent the wrong way, no less. (That part had freaked him out the most, especially at the time).
When the monster girl got close enough, the freckled man, more by protective instinct and/or jerk reaction, whacked her on the head with the lid as hard as he could. Then he hit her again on the head shortly after the first time, just to be sure. He stand there for a good minute, taking a needed breather after everything that happened.
Moxxie was finished with his trip down memory lane, although he was still in his head even as Blitz was parking the car due to an obstacle in the road.
That was my first brush of the plague of the 21st century. You remember mad cow disease? Well, mad cow became mad person. Then mad person became mad zombie. It’s a fast-acting virus that left you with a swollen brain and a raging fever. It makes you hateful, violent, and it also gives you a severely bad case of the munchies.
Chapter 7: Small Talk
Summary:
Blitz and Moxxie pass the time with a little conversation
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 7 - Small Talk
“All right, you steer, I push,” Blitz commanded, getting ready.
“Ah… okay.” Moxxie said, taking a moment to check out the back seat first. Then he opened the driver’s door, grabbed the wheel, and got to pushing along with his companion. Soon after they started, “You know, there should be a place untouched by all this.”
“Back east, yeah.”
“Yeah, you heard of the same thing?”
“Out west, we hear, back east… back east hear it’s here out west. And it’s all just bullshit. Like, you’re a penguin from the north pole but here’s the south pole. It’s really nice this time of year.”
“…there are no penguins in the north pole.”
“You wanna feel how hard I can fucking punch?”
Moxxie rushed over to Blitz’s car and put on the seat belt, since it was only one car on the road really blocking their path. Blitz got to driving again but later took initiative in conversation. Of course, with his topic of choice.
“So, what do you think? When’s the last time you laid some pipe?”
“…excuse me?”
“The last time you went 22’s? The percy in the playpen…”
“Do you mean... make love?”
“Wallpapered the closet, passed the gravy, went heels to Jesus.”
“It’s personal, I think.”
An exaggerated groan before, “Sex, bitch boy! Sex!”
“Uh…” Moxxie turns his head to see discarded FedEx boxes on the side of the road. “Three weeks ago. From the back of an abandoned FedEx truck.”
The freckled man wasn’t sure why he freaking lied about this but, then again, if he knows the jerkass seated next to him, it was probably saving Moxxie’s head from getting a migraine. Well, maybe.
“Shut. Up!” Of course, the skull-pendant adorned guy was disbelieving of that.
“No, no! I was headed east. She, uh… west. We took shelter in the back of the truck. It was full of undelivered packages-“
“What’s her name?”
“Mi-Millie.”
It wasn't a completely random name that he had chosen. He had seen the woman in question in a countryside festival when he had gathered the nerve and willingness to go and heard her name when she was getting banned. Moxxie was too shy to approach her, though, and so never actually did. In fact, the freckled male was too shy to ever come back again; that and his many fears got to him, ensuring further that a return trip wouldn't be happening. However, there was a humming sound from his current companion, with a hint of still-remaining disbelief.
So the anxious guy went ahead and tried changing the subject. “I… what about you?”
“Me?” Then like a switch had been flipped, “Oh, damn, do I got stories for you!” Right when Moxxie was feeling the horror as to what he have just done, Blitz noticed something on the road, going, “whoa, I’ll bet that’s gonna kill any boners for you.”
The freckled man looked ahead and saw what his companion did: a businesswoman zombie was chowing down on some poor man in the middle of the road. Pieces were torn off and scattered about on the gravel and there were sounds of chewing, at least heard by the two guys in the car if they were to lower the windows and tune in on it.
“Oh, my crumbs… it just makes you sick. It makes you sad. It makes you… makes you think if you could go back to the way things were right now, you know, you’d be… you’d be out in the backyard, you know? Catching fireflies, watching musicals, whatever else of the like. Instead, there’s this.”
The lady zombie took out a piece of bloody bone and slurped from it like it was some sick drink.
“It just makes you-“
“Fucking hungry.”
“…I’m worried about you.”
“Look, whatever you have waiting for you in Columbus, I promise you this: it ain’t any prettier than this bitch here enjoying her man-wich.”
Then Blitz gets to driving by the flesheater, timing it just right so that he could open his car door and slam it in the zombie’s face. He laughed as he watched said zombie tumble backwards.
Notes:
Yeah, I thought of putting a little Millie mention. I wanted that when I thought of it and didn't even try to resist
Chapter 8: A Bit of Grocery Shopping
Summary:
Blitz and Moxxie made a stop at a grocery store. Thanks to the zombie apocalypse, it's got a lot more exercise to it
Chapter Text
Chapter 8 - A Bit of Grocery Shopping
Blitz had a sick sense of humor. Zombies aren’t the most lovable creatures but he really hates them. In fact, the only thing he was more obsessed with than killing zombies was finding a twinkie. Something about how a twinkie reminds him of a time not so long ago, when things were simple and not so fucking psychotic
Regardless, Blitz had stopped at a Crymini’s Grocery and got around to the back of his car to open it. He did the finger wave thing as that back door went up.
Moxxie stepped out of his seat and watched his companion take off his jacket. He thought, it was like if he just got a taste of that comforting childhood treat, the world would become innocent again and the world would return to normal
Then the freckled guy noticed the skull-pendant adorned one take out a pickaxe and swing it a bit. “What are you doing, prospecting?”
Now Moxxie’s attention had shifted to the multitude of weaponry, including when Blitz had grabbed a pole with rusty spurs at the end. “Oh, my crumbs… you’re a dangerous man. Are you really going to risk our lives for a Twinkie?”
“Listen, bitch boy. There is a box of Twinkies in that grocery store.” Blitz pointed to said store for probably effect or emphasis. Then he picked up a pair of garden shears. “And not just any box of Twinkies. The last box of Twinkies anyone would enjoy in the whole. Fucking. Universe.”
The leather-clad man snipped the shears a couple times before shoving them a bit down the behind of his pants.
“Believe it or not, Twinkies actually have an expiration date.”
Now the skull pendant guy picked up a metal baseball bat, followed by a banjo. “And someday, very soon… my little Twinkie is gonna go empty.”
Moxxie sighed and rolled his eyes, disbelief over how he had this type of guy for company. However, before he could comment on it, he gasped when he saw something in the distance. Something with brightly-colored hair.
"What?" Blitzo asked, albeit not looking at the freckled male.
"N-nothing. It was just a squirrel or something. It went away." Moxxie normally wouldn't have lied but he couldn't make out that brightly-colored hair anymore. He figures that he could've just imagined that due to his taught paranoia and that Blitz's not inclined to double check paranoid gut feelings, especially when there's a twinkie on his mind.
Regardless of Moxxie's reasoning, though, the skull pendant guy wasn't really all that inclined to care, especially if it wasn't an immediate threat, so he shrugged. He stood in front of the store, staring it down.
The leather-clad man declares, “Now it’s time to nut up or shut up.”
Moxxie follows Blitz into the store, ready with his rifle. When Blitz goes ‘hulk’ on a zombie, he sets the standard for ‘not to be fucked with’. No fear, nothing to lose… what can I say? It’s like- like art
Then the skull pendant guy gets to playing the banjo, being super casual about it, complete with an easy-going smile on his face. It took only a few notes before a big-boned zombie came out.
“Well, you got a purdy mouth.”
Blitz steps forward and holds up the banjo high. Then he whaled down on the zombie, again and again, all while wearing a menacing ear-to-ear grin.
Then Moxxie jumped at hearing another zombie behind him, also big boned. The freckled guy got to running towards his companion as fast as he could. He also cried out, “Don’t swing, don’t swing!”
Then after doing a slide on the floor, “SWING!”
While Blitz was tempted to fake-swing on Moxxie, he decided that it wasn’t worth their lives. Besides, the former’s hatred for the zombie was much stronger than any temptation for a joke. So when given the shout, the leather-clad man nailed the zombie right in the face with his metal bat. Then he whacked the decaying flesh-eater again, unknowingly following Moxxie’s second rule; then again, it was probably a standard rule for all remaining survivors at this point.
“Thank you…” Moxxie said, panting.
“You fucking owe me.”
Blitz had tossed aside his bat and got to searching the store for that twinkie. Moxxie didn’t want to have to be in silence for the whole damn time they’re together so he tried some conversation.
“Well, um, that was incredible.”
“Yeah, because I’m incredible. Now, twinkie, twinkie, twinkie, twinkie, ooh…”
Both men stopped when they reached another aisle where a fat zombie was on the floor, trapped under a collapsed pile of paint cans. The paint cans seemed to be full, otherwise they wouldn't be heavy enough to keep that zombie pinned down.
“Another big dick, huh?”
Moxxie was about ready to shoot, feeling that he should do something to contribute, but Blitz put a hand on the rifle to force it down. Then the latter whipped out his garden shears, once again wearing a demented grin.
Finally, as the skull pendant guy walked towards the zombie, “come here, big fella. Just gonna take a little off the top.”
Blitz started snipping the shears slowly. Then the snipping got faster and faster as he got closer to the flesh-eater. Those sounds only stopped once the shears have done their job. Moxxie's never liked death in any way that didn't involve just blowing brains out, which is why Verosika hit him pretty hard once the adrenaline wore off.
Once that job was finished, the leather-clad man had dropped his gardening tool in a way that made it slide. Said tool’s blades was absolutely dripping in blood. At least enough to make a skid mark of the crimson liquid and to still be dripping once the shears stopped sliding across the floor.
Chapter 9: Wait...
Summary:
It seemed genuine at first but there was a sign of something being amiss
Chapter Text
Chapter 9 - Wait...
“Man, these shitheads really let themselves go,” Blitz commented as he looked over the scene.
“Yes, we can see how fat they are,” Moxxie stated. “I truly think we should just keep going on our way.”
Right at that moment, a woman had come out from the backroom. She had long black hair tied back in a ponytail and the bangs covering one side of her face. The striking hazel eye shown had a little scar going over it. She was wearing a grey jacket, black halter crop top, blue demin shorts, black leggings, and a pair of white boots (although those boots are definitely dirty from no doubt her time surviving the current state of the world). To cap it all off, there was a red bandanna over her head.
Moxxie and Blitz were exchanging eye contact before turning back to the mystery lady. While the larger guy wasn’t sure about her, there was only one thing going through Moxxie’s head.
What are the odds? Another marriageable person to bring home to my folks… Although the freckled guy instantly kicked himself. Really, he’s just hating himself for how lonely he feels, especially if he was this attracted to a good-looking stranger he hasn’t even talked to yet.
The woman pleaded, her voice even cracking a little, “Come quick, please.”
Perhaps at least another beautiful person to have their hair brushed over their ears…
Moxxie quickly followed after Blitz, who was rigid and ready to cut a bitch if it turns out that they’re dealing with a backstabbing one.
The freckled male wasn't sure about following the bandanna-wearing woman but for different reasons. “Hey, I’ll catch up.”
The skull-pendant guy went ahead while the other guy had looked out a convenient exit door real quick and then held it open with a box.
The anxious survivor thinks, rule number 22: when in doubt, know your way out
Now that he’s secured an easy exit, he ran ahead to where he saw Blitz go. Then Moxxie stopped when he saw the ponytailed brunette hugging close a very young girl who’s sitting on a table. This girl didn’t look older than ten and had rather unruly black hair going down her back. Her eyes were big, bright, ridden in tears. She was in a somewhat dirty pink dress with stars all over it, an equally dirty white jacket, and a pair of black boots.
Blitz came up to Moxxie and told him in a soft voice, “They’re sisters. The little one’s been bit. Yeah, so act normal.” There was a pause before, “okay, at least don’t make her freak the fuck out.”
“Yes, yes, of course.”
Then the skull-pendant adorned guy turned to the pair of females. Pointing at his companion, he said, “Moxxie.”
At the bandanna wearing woman, “Wichita.” Then at gesturing to the little girl, “Little Rock.”
“So… you did all this for a Twinkie?” Little Rock questioned through labored breath, rather in disbelief.
Moxxie quickly explained, since he didn’t want to be labeled as a nut, “Oh, no, no, no. Blitz did. I just intend to go to Columbus so this-this was a pitstop, if you will.”
Not that Wichita seemed to particularly care. She held Blitz by the shoulder and pulled him close to Moxxie, for the sake of a conversation away from Little Rock’s ears.
The freckled guy whispered, “I… I don’t think she has long.”
He took a look at the little girl at the table, feeling so much sympathy for her.
“Yeah, I know,” the scarred-eyed lady muttered back. “She knows that, too, actually. We’re just looking for a way out.”
The bandanna-wearing woman looked down to Moxxie’s rifle, the owner of it managing to notice that and catch the silent message.
Moxxie quickly moved his firearms behind his back. “No, no, no, no, no. She’s just a little girl.”
“You know, you’re not even that far away from me so don’t talk about me like I’m not here!” Little Rock shouted.
The freckled male stiffly approaches the star dress girl, trying to go about this delicately. “Right. I’m sorry. Um… look, I know- I know that you’re really sick but your sister wants me to-“
“It’s not her decision. It’s mine. I made a promise. We already said good bye but… we didn’t have a gun.”
That raised Moxxie’s anxiousness. “L-look, we don’t know there’s definitely no cure, but-"
“You’re just gutless!” Little Rock exclaimed, cutting him off. Then at gesturing towards Blitz, “Give him the gun.”
Moxxie didn’t want to do that, either, but it was easier than actually shooting a little girl himself. So Blitz had the gun in his hands and he got into position.
The skull pendant man stroked the girl’s hair for a second, looking forlorn and all that. Then he got ready with the rifle. The star dress girl was getting more and more freaked, close to breaking out into tears. If any hasn’t fallen from her eyes already.
It was definitely a lot for Whichita when she voiced, “Wait! Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.”
Blitzo looks at the interrupting chick with a somewhat critical gaze.
“I’ll do it.”
Chapter 10: There It Is
Summary:
It was too bad that both Blitzo and Moxxie missed that something being amiss, though
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 10 - There It is
Blitzo was guarded and hesitant even as the ponytailed brunette approached him. Although he didn’t put up much of a fight when it came to her getting the gun. Not that Moxxie was paying attention to any of this since not only is he turned around, but he also is plugging up his ears with his fingers.
Wichita had a shaky smile on her face as she looked at Little Rock, who seemed to be returning the feeling. Whatever it was the former was feeling. In any case, the bandanna-wearing woman had planted a kiss on her sister’s forehead before looking at her in the eyes again.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
The scarred-eyed lady turns her attention to the rifle and opens it. She can see that it’s loaded fully, with two good bullets. She snaps it back and lifts the long firearm. The really young brunette winces, like she’s preparing for the worst.
Blitz decided to act on some sympathy-related urges. “You need some help?”
“Now that you mention it…” The ponytailed lady said, right before pointing the gun right at the skull pendant guy. “We’ll take your weapons, your car keys, your ammunition.”
During the demand-making, Little Rock had jumped off the table and unhooked the pistol from Blitz’s pants. Like she’s not infected and not gonna become a zombie any time soon.
The female child added, “And if you got it, some gum.”
“Sugarless,” the scarred-eyed lady emphasized, much to her sister’s chagrin.
“What the fuck,” Blitz voiced, surprised but also pissed off.
Moxxie had finally turned around. Of course, he was shocked to see being held at gunpoint, quickly joining his companion with his hands up.
“Wa- wait, why are you guys doing this?”
“Well, better you make the mistake of trusting us than we make the mistake of trusting you,” Wichita explains, like that’s supposed to justify shit.
Blitz was definitely not buying it, what with flipping the bird on both hands. Moxxie just looks on, thinking his thoughts as he watches the two girls walk into their van and drive off.
Of course, the first attractive person in a thousand miles shows up, makes me feel like an idiot, steals my double burrow and other things, and says I’m the one who can’t be trusted
“Nice going, you fucking genius. Were you born retarded or what?”
That got the freckled man in a bit of a stutter before, “What are you blaming me for!? You’re the one who gave her the gun!”
“Those guys were dumb,” Little Rock commented while Wichita looked into the car mirror above her.
Wichita scoffed in disgust at her reflection as she put the thing back up. “Avoid the vanity mirror…”
“Relax, ok? I just passed for a zombie,” the female child said in an effort to lighten the mood. But then, after a short instance of silence, “What I’d give for a show-“
“Do not say S-H-O-W-E-R in its entirety, okay, Octavia? No offense but I think it’s becoming a word I’m really developing a bad association with, since we're living in a goddamn zombie apocalypse and all. Let’s just get where we’re going.”
The really young brunette decided to change the subject then. “So, Sally, do you think it’s true?”
“Is what true?”
“Rumors about Pacific Playland. Totally zombie-free.
"The only places to go. Trust me.”
Because yeah, apparently her sister is the only possible person the scarred-eyed brunette has no problems with when it comes to trust.
In the meantime, Moxxie and Blitz were walking around, the former doing some conversation with the latter. The freckled guy of the two did like that he was allowed to keep his luggage, at least, from the encounter that was Wichita and Little Rock.
“He’s on one of the serious Tour de’ France bikes, you know with the toeholds, right? So, he’s pedaling and the zombie’s head is caught in the gear. You know, with the hair and the chain going around?”
“Yeah, very cool,” the skull-pendant guy said, a little impressed. “But zombie kill of the week? No fucking way. I saw this construction worker. I shit you not… he’s on a steamroller and a zombie goes down in front of him. You ever roll a tube of toothpaste from the bottom?”
“Yes, I always roll it from bottom to the top.”
“Yeah, well, the zombie’s head is the cap.”
“Do you know this guy who’s trying to… to be in everyone’s story?”
“No. I knew who got away worse than that to me.”
“All right, let’s just try to find a car.”
“Which reminds me… I never had headaches like this until your ass came on board. I mean, do what you want with a man but do not fuck with his Cadillac.”
“Oh, look! Here’s a nice minivan!” Moxxie seriously wanted to divert Blitz’s attention so he was glad to have spotted what he deemed a good vehicle to use.
“Oh, you know something? That is nice. That’s a beautiful van…”
Of course, Blitz was sounding pissed off in a barely restrained manner until, finally, he picked up a rock and smashed the windows with it. He actually managed to smash the opposite window, too. Then there was a thorough demolishing on that poor minivan via crowbar. The freckled guy watches in mild worry as all the windows became shattered and more and more damage was inflicted on Moxxie’s choice in a vehicle.
Blitz firmly believes that you have to blow off steam in zombieland or else you’ll lose what’s left of your mind. Well, if it keeps him happy and prevents him from using that crowbar on me, then by all means. Go apeshit.
“I WANT MY CADDY BACK! Stupid little bitches!”
It wasn’t long before the berserker was done going berserk and got down from the van. Although, as he rejoined his companion, there was audible and visible discomfort from Blitz.
“Damn… I think I pulled something…”
Moxxie resisted hard to bring up his 18th rule: Limber up.
Notes:
Well, isn't this a fun chapter for Father's Day? XD
Still can't get over how Wichita and Little Rock call the guys dumb when their scam could have gotten the girl killed. Seriously, if the girls honestly think people can't be trusted, then they shouldn't expect people to have compassion and concern for a little girl that their scam needs in order to work. The most ironic thing about it is that the compassion and concern the girls needed for their scam to work probably would have gotten them supplies if they were just honest
Chapter 11: Enjoy the Little Things
Summary:
Blitzo and Moxxie get to traveling without a car, although the former needed to let off some steam
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 11 - Enjoy the Little things
Blitz asked, “do you think the two of us are smart enough to come up with a con like that?”
“…I don’t know, it’s awfully… risky. I mean, their entire plan hinged on us having too much compassion to go through with killing a child, even if we thought the child was going to die soon regardless.”
“You hesitated, you pussy.”
“I have brought up a good poi-“
“Look, bitch boy, you gotta ask yourself,” the skull pendant guy interrupted, while placing a hand on Moxxie’s shoulder. “Do you wanna be smart or do you wanna be lucky?”
Before the conversation could continue, Blitz seemed to have spotted something that caught his interest. It seemed to be good, too, if his smile is any indication. Then the leather-clad guy ran over to a house with an open garage. There was a yellow survivor-type fortified vehicle, which appealed to Blitz’s taste quite nicely.
“Well, lookie what we got here…” Blitz muttered as he looked over the vehicle in question. Then he stopped at seeing a decomposed hand on the wheel. “Ooh, whoa, whoa, whoa…”
He carefully reached for the car door, taking out his bat again. Like fuck if he was gonna let a zombie get the jump on him after getting conned by those two girls. Although, to Blitz’s semi-relief, upon opening the door, it wasn't the case. While there may have been two corpse hands clutching the wheel, those hands weren’t attached to a body. So the leather-clad guy got to taking out a handkerchief and yank the disembodied limbs off the steering wheel.
“It’s nice,” Moxxie stated as he walked up to the passenger seat of the car, taking a look to the back. After all, rule 31.
“Small finger.” Of course, the digit Blitz selected to wiggle around as he said this was the middle one.
The freckled man had found a long duffel bag in the back seat and got to unzipping it. The other guy got curious and checked it out, too.
And of course, Blitz was so damn happy to see that the duffel bag was thoroughly filled with guns. “Thank fuck for rednecks! This is a really big truck and these are really big guns!”
“Um, take your time.”
Moxxie bizarrely found that he meant it, too. It’s not just because he didn’t want to anger the trigger-happy probable psycho. He kind of felt like he wanted to not end his time with said probable psycho so soon. Well, regardless, the freckled male sat in the passenger seat as the skull-pendant man went nuts and just shot so many damn bullets up in the air in a rapid-fire fashion. Additionally, it took a few minutes after that for Blitz to find some black paint for the purpose of putting a ‘3’ on the car doors. Once that was done, he climbed into the truck, started it up, and began driving.
“You know, people say that he who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves,” Moxxie said at some point of the drive.
“Right! Two graves, one for the big bitch and one for the little chick.”
“…you are scary happy. And just plain scary.”
Blitz only laughed as he patted Moxxie’s chest, kind of rubbing it a little too friendly-like for the latter’s taste.
The freckled man tried again, “Come on, why don’t we just forget about those girls and just… head home?”
“Oh, so you wanna talk about home?” The leather-clad guy chilled then, his tone getting serious. “For me, home was a… an adorable, little doggy named Loona. But I liked to call her Loonie. Or Loonie Tunie. But no matter what I called her, she was the sweetest baby ever.”
Blitz had flashbacks then of this dog. A grey and white-furred canine seated at the breakfast table. He happily poured syrup on a plate of pancakes in front of Loona, who looked rather bored.
Another flashback showed Blitz preparing a bath for Loona, who was furiously barking at him and even hurting him however she could for him to get the fuck out.
There was one more flashback and this one took place at a nice scenery of flowering trees outside. Too bad Loona couldn’t enjoy it thanks to Blitz trying constantly to hug her and give her kisses. The father only got hurt for his troubles.
“But to those fucking shithead zombies… I lost her. And there’s no getting her back, no matter how much I’d want to, so… yeah. I’m looking for somewhere new to crash. A new home.”
Moxxie stared thoughtfully at his companion, staring with such sympathy. Which prompted Blitz to change the subject. The latter seriously looked uncomfortable at all this sap, which is probably why he's talking about something different.
“Tomorrow, though, I think I’ll go skinny dipping in the Yellowstone River. At least now I’m technically not banned from there anymore.”
The skull-pendant guy felt like all was right with the world once again, particularly when seeing his friend’s face twist. The former was confused, though, as to how and why he was spilling his guts like this; it’s not everyone who gets him to do that, especially if it hasn’t been years of being familiar with one another.
“Swinging from the chandeliers in a playboy mansion or around a fancy-as-fuck club’s stripper poles. But today, a vortec 6 fucking litre V8. A box full of hallow points and a Lord willin’ and GD twinkie. Yep, gotta enjoy the little things.”
Moxxie calmed and took the last words into consideration, even taking out his little notebook and mechanical pencil.
Well, I hate to give credit to anyone who looks like a relative to Yosemite Sam but I’m writing that down. Rule 32: enjoy the little things
Notes:
Okay, so I forgot I actually put my personal opinion on the matter of Wichita and Little Rock's scam, but I still stand by it so I'm still leaving it in here
Chapter 12: They're Back
Summary:
Blitzo and Moxxie ended up seeing a couple of familiar faces again, much sooner than either guy anticipated or even thought possible
Chapter Text
Chapter 12 - They're Back
After hours of driving, Blitz had stopped the truck when he swears he could see a frighteningly familiar car in the distance. He took out a pair of binoculars and looked through them. Sure enough, it was the stolen car, with the ‘3’ being the ‘E’ in ‘help’ that was written across the vehicle. Said vehicle also looked like it had broken down, which makes it obvious when it comes to the cry for help.
“Knowing them, it’s a trap,” Blitz said, passing the binoculars to Moxxie and getting his gun that was left on the hood. “Wait here. Drive down if I signal.”
“Wait, you’re not going to shoot them, are you?”
“Not unless they shoot me.” The skull pendant guy walked forward, getting ready with his firearms. Then muttering to himself, “Oh, let’s hope they shoot me.”
The freckled guy was hesitant but went ahead and got into the driver’s seat. Meanwhile, his companion had walked up to the damaged car, keeping a sharp ear out for any not-right noises and his finger on the trigger.
Blitz soon made it to the car and opened one of the doors. He immediately shoved the shooting end of his gun inside, only to be disappointed when no one was inside. The same thing when he looked under the vehicle. Then he looked at the front since the hood was up and everything. Hanging from the front lid was a flannel print shirt on a hanger, which the skull pendant guy took down and inspected.
Seeing that it was all clear, Blitz turned around and put his hands together in front of his mouth. Then a bird sound kind of sound came out, which apparently was meant to be the signal. Regardless, Moxxie took it as the cue to drive forward, looking very much awkward as his companion talked, complete with the kind of overeager nodding.
“Looks like they hoofed it. Probably headed west. Just drive slow, keep your eyes peeled.”
“Sure,” the freckled guy squeaked.
Blitz took some seconds looking at him, catching Moxxie’s rigid, anxious demeanor and darting eyes. Then, “They’re in the back, aren’t they?”
“Just me,” Octavia said as she poked her head towards the front, making sure to point the rifle on Blitz’s head.
“I’m really sorry. She was like a crouching tigress.”
“You got taken hostage by a twelve year old? You that much of a pussy?”
“Well, girls mature faster than boys. She is noticeably ahead of me when I was that age.”
“ ‘Noticably’?”
“Well, I was advanced for my male peers when I was at this girl’s age, too. It’s just-“
“Let’s shut up and agree that twelve is the new twenty. Now gun please,” Octavia interrupted, holding out her hand.
“Like you would ever use it…” Blitz countered irritably.
The little girl decided to prove him wrong by pointing up and shooting.
“Don’t kill me with my own gun!” The leather-clad man pleaded.
“All those violent video games, I’m sure,” the freckled man commented.
“Yeah, no shit…”
“Thank you. Now honk your horn,” Octavia said once she took the forcefully offered firearms.
“Excuse me?” Moxxie questioned.
“Honk it.”
The freckled guy was a little confused but went ahead with the young girl’s demand. Then he and the leather-clad man happened to notice someone they know coming out from behind the surrounding foliage.
“Oh, there’s your sister,” Blitz said bitterly. “And that’s my gun.”
“Hello,” Moxxie couldn’t help but voice. He even raised his hand up in greeting like the ponytailed brunette didn’t scam him and haven’t stolen from him the last time they met.
“Bummer,” Sally said once she was at the window, pointing the gun at the smaller male in the driver’s seat. “Now step away from the vehicle. You get to ride shotgun.”
Chapter 13: Once A Scammer, Always A Scammer
Summary:
Moxxie learns a little more about Sally, particularly how she was even before the zombie apocalypse
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 13 - Once A Scammer, Always A Scammer
Sally opened the door and the freckled guy complied, as did the other guy. The really young brunette had exchanged a smile with her sister as the scarred-eyed lady got into the driver’s seat, all over another con well done.
Of course, now the drive is thick with tension, complete with Octavia pointing the rifle on Blitz to make sure there’s no funny business. Although, for Moxxie, he was still kind of giddy and making side glances and nervous smiles at the bandanna-wearing woman every so often. It made Sally feel a little awkward from the attention but didn’t think it’d do any harm if she gloated a little, about one of the cons that she has done before, with the help of a boy named Eddy.
I kind of like this girl. She’s not your typical, gorgeous, stuck up wench. Even before Zombieland, Wichita was running the tables on men like us
The con was at a local gas station and attached convenience store, with Sally dressed in a blue button blouse, a black pencil skirt, and a pair of black high heels with red undersides; her usual bandanna was switched for a headband of the same color. She was frantic and looking all over for something, even getting down on her knees to try detecting that something on the ground. A man who manages the station/store happened to see the ponytailed brunette in her stressed-out state. Although he was also taking a good look at Sally’s ass, since it was presented right in front of him.
Finally, this guy went out and approached the scarred-eyed lady. “Um… what are you looking for?”
She looked up to see just who was talking to her. This guy had the uniform shirt of the place, which had two tags against the blue and white striped pattern. The tag for the station/store said ‘Gas N’ Gulp’ while the nametag said ‘Travis’. Not that Sally really cared about it. Not when this guy is just another con.
“My engagement ring,” the ponytailed brunette gasped out. She made sure to sound just the right amount of desperation and frustration as she got up and gave her story. “I took it off to pump my gas, and I thought that I put it in my purse, but it must’ve fallen out… and I’m late for my flight and- and…”
“Well, listen, I’ll find your ring and I’ll FedEx it to you.”
The scarred-eyed lady seemed to have an idea about something. Then, “I’ll give you a reward.”
“Ha, don’t be ridiculous.”
“Three thousand dollars. That’s worth more than my car.”
“Just-just give me your number. Yeah. I’ll find it.”
Sally gave the poor sap a card and got into her car.
“Yeah, I’ll start looking for it right now,” Travis said, “because I got nothing else to do. I was engaged once but I’m single now.”
There was a pause of silence, the scarred-eyed lady just giving her latest victim some friendly, grateful smiles. Well, friendly and grateful that she needs to look in order for this to work.
“Bye-bye,” the gas store employee said, waving. “Hope you make your flight.”
It wasn’t long before the manager was on the phone and talking to someone about what just happened. “No but I know it’s around here somewhere. She’s on a plane, that’s the beauty of it.”
Right then and there, Travis turned to see a little boy in a long-sleeved yellow shirt and a red cap. The child had picked up something off the ground and seemingly very interested in his find.
“Let me call you back,” the gas store employee said before hanging up. He quickly walked towards Eddy and called out to him. “Hey, you found my ring. Thanks. I’ve been looking all over for it.”
The young boy held it away from Travis’s grasping hand. “Your ring?”
“Well, it’s my friend’s, you know. I’m gonna send it to her.”
“Do I get a reward?”
The next thing Travis knew, he was handing the boy a shit ton of money. “40, 60, 80… 400… that’s it. That’s the whole register.”
Eddy decided then to relent and pass the ring to the poor sap, who only smiled so damn goofily when he looked at the little trinket in his hand.
“You made someone very happy,” Travis stated.
“You, too,” the young boy shot back after taking a bite of a candy bar that was also thrown in with the cash reward. Then she walked away, her business being done. "You stupid fucking sap..."
Eddy kept walking down the sidewalk until she gets to a car with none other than Sally at the driver’s seat.
“Nice,” the ponytailed brunette remarked. “And here, kid.” She took the money offered but takes some out. She gave that bunch of bucks back to the boy, along with a huge lollipop with a picture of a robot head on it. "Your pay. Thanks for the favor, kid."
"No problem. You were right. That desperate horny fucker fell for it, hook, line, and sinker."
The scarred-eyed lady chuckled, starting up the car. "Glad you had fun. Now I gotta hit the road. Hope you enjoy that candy and that money."
"Will do!"
Then, after a minute or two of driving, Sally's phone rang. She answered it to hear her mother's voice on the other end. "Hi, my *! How's one of my babies on her trip? How far are you? Are you doing okay?"
“Let me see,” the ponytailed brunette said. She stopped the car at a safe spot, took out an envelope from the glove compartment, and opened it. Then she tilted the envelope over, making a small pile of rings fall on an open palm. “Hmm. Enough for me to get to back home.”
Just need to get another kid to help me in the next few towns... she thought.
Sally took one ring out of the pile and checked it out a bit while her mom talked. "Enough money, you mean? Well, that's good. I already have one daughter who's working freelance and I wouldn't want the other to be scrapped for cash, too."
"Relax, ma. I got it handled. I'll be home before ya know it."
“You know, I heard Millie's desires to get married. She even hopes for a big fancy ring. Not practical but I guess a girl can dream."
“Hmm. For the low price of thirty bucks, sold.”
Sally's mother chuckled, not realizing what one of her kids were up to at the very moment of calling said kid. Then, "Oh, you! Now stop kidding around and get back home. We don't want to get ahead in our barbecue party without you. And I don't wanna be alone in hearing more about Millie's wedding fantasies."
"Got it, ma."
Sally was taking the chance to reapply her makeup before driving off, feeling giddy over another con done right.
Moxxie was impressed, apparently, as indicated that much in his thoughts. It’s amazing how far you can get with some costume jewelry and a cutthroat attitude. I guess we’re just lucky Wichita and Little Rock didn’t leave us by the side of the road
Notes:
Considering a little backstory I got for Sally and Octavia, then yeah, needed to change this flashback a little. Hope it's still good
Chapter 14: Issues All Around
Summary:
Everyone in the van show just exactly how they contribute to a dysfunctional group, in their own special way
Chapter Text
Chapter 14 - Issues All Around
Moxxie was impressed by Sally's accomplishments, apparently, as indicated that much in his thoughts. It’s amazing how far you can get with some costume jewelry and a cutthroat attitude. Sally has even influenced a girl she probably found during the apocalypse to be a little girl boss. I guess we’re just lucky they didn’t leave us by the side of the road
The freckled male smiled and said, “Thanks, Wichita. Thanks, Little Rock.”
The pair of females were confused by the sudden gratitude. After all, even if they wanted to find a justification for their actions in the way that they should be thanked, nothing is really coming to mind at the moment. Especially not right away.
Blitz took the chance to grab the rifle from Octavia and point it at her. Of course, Sally responds quick by slamming on the brakes and pointing a pistol on her sister’s probable-would-be shooter. Then Moxxie was just as fast in his angry reaction and equally angry calling-out speech.
“For fuck’s sake, enough already! We’re being chased by ravenous freaks! We don’t have enough problems!?”
Turning to the skull pendant guy, “ ‘Wah, they stole my hummer’.”
Then to the girls, “ ‘oh, we have trust issues’.”
Moxxie turned the rant back to everyone again. “Get over it, okay? Can’t we just drive down the damn road playing I Spy or something for hours like four normal-ass Americans!?” Finally, at slamming his head backwards against his seat, “fuck me!”
“Wow…” Blitz voiced, impressed.
“I know…” Moxxie pulled his eyelids down in tired frustration. The rise in negative emotions didn’t stop there, though. Not when the freckled male saw something to the side. “What the fuck!?”
Then Moxxie grabbed the wheel and put the stick on 'drive' while everyone’s guard was down. That jerked Sally into screeching off the road. They managed to escape collision with an abandoned * thanks to the bandanna-wearing woman slamming on the brakes and putting the stick back on 'stop'. Everyone took deep breaths.
“What the fuck was that!?” The scarred-eyed lady was obviously pissed as she shouted that.
However, the freckled male didn’t answer. Instead, he backed away in his seat as much as he could and screamed. Then there was a bang on Sally’s side. The ponytailed brunette saw a tall, lanky guy with a rainbow wig, a big, red nose, a pair of glossy eyes, and a mouth full of nasty fluids. Then there was another clown, this one being wide and chubby. He had a bald cap and blue poofy hair but the same eyes and mouth as the first.
“I got it!” Octavia shouted, trying to yank the gun away from Blitzo. “Just-! Lower the-! Window!”
“Are you kidding!? He’ll eat me!!!”
“For the fucking love of- no one’s gonna shooting shit! Especially not you, psycho eyes!” Sally protested, pointing the last one at Blitzo.
“You need to take care of the clowns, right? You don't need little miss trigger happy!”
"You're the last fucking one to-!"
“Just drive!!! ” Moxxie screeched.
Sally was jerked back, if only because of the sheer fear and fierceness to Moxxie’s voice. Then she slammed her foot on the brakes. Sure enough, considering that they’re in a car and the zombies are still on foot, the group managed to get away from the colorful flesh eaters.
“Good. Good. Just keep driving. Just keep driving,” the freckled male pleaded, curled up in a fetus position even with the seatbelt on.
“You know that they wouldn’t even have been a problem if you didn’t stop my sister in driving, right?” Octavia questioned, raising a brow at the scared guy.
“Wow,” the scarred-eyed lady muttered, a mild look of disbelief on her face. “Now that that shit was over, it’s just… wow. What the fuck would clowns be all the way out here…?”
Then there was a cocking sound of a gun towards Sally’s head.
“I'll eat you alive, dickhead, and I don't need to be a zombie for that,” Octavia stated, ready with cutting knives, the kind people would use for their steak or something.
“You know, it’s not all that great a thing that a little girl like yourself is swearing. I might as well help you preserve whatever innocence you got left.”
“Go ahead and try it, buddy. Little Rock will make sure you’re sorry. I taught her everything she knows!”
“Blitz. You have got to be kidding me.” Moxxie’s voice made it obvious that he didn’t want anymore bullshit than what just happened. Even the girls got the vibe and were somewhat inclined to not rock the boat with the already agitated guy. "I was just talking about how we have bigger problems to worry about!"
“Kind of fucking hypocritical, clownphobia boy. But fine. Let me be the mature one.” At that, the skull pendant guy pulled back his rifle and pointing it upwards, but still guarded.
“Good,” the freckled male said, relieved to see that the scarred-eyed lady also put down her own gun, albeit cautiously and a little reluctantly.
Chapter 15: Warming Up
Summary:
Tension naturally still lingers when this dysfunction group is still adjusting and getting used to each other
Chapter Text
Chapter 15 - Warming Up
There was a bit of tense silence before Sally got the truck started up again and resumed driving. Although it wasn’t long before Sally’s admirer broke the silence, since he thought that things were all clear now.
“So where are you ladies headed?”
“Pacific Playland,” Octavia answered, deciding to just go with this.
“The amusement park?” Blitz questioned.
“Wait, do you mean the one outside LA?” Moxxie inquired.
“Yeah. We went there as kids,” the young girl answered.
The skull pendant guy scoffed. “That place totally blows-“ However, he totally backtracked when seeing Sally’s over-the-shoulder glare. “My mind! It’s-it’s so fun. Just good entertainment for the whole damn family.”
Then the freckled guy interjected, “Yeah, no, actually, I went there as a kid, too. In fact, this probably counts as off-season. At least there won’t be any mascots there…”
“Well, did you guys hear? There are no zombies there,” Octavia stated.
“Yeah, we heard,” Blitz replied. “You know what? I may not shoot you but you have still royally pissed me off and I’m as fuck not going to play with you at Pacific Playland.”
“Don’t worry, he grows on you,” Moxxie said in Blitz’s defense.
“Really?” Naturally, Sally was skeptical and kind of pissed off, particularly at the larger man clearly taking on a childishly irked rubbing-it-in-one’s-face tone just now.
“No. It gets worse.” Also naturally, the freckled guy caved in super damn fast.
“Okay, how about we play the quiet game? Yeah? Starting now.”
The quiet game only lasted a few fucking seconds before Moxxie spoke up again. “Oh, um, I’ve actually been meaning to ask you something. Did you… did you hear anything about Columbus, Ohio?”
“You never played the quiet game?”
“Uh, sorry…”
“No? Well, they’re playing it in Columbus, Ohio. It’s a total ghost town. Burned down to the ground.”
Blitz promptly nudged against Sally’s seat with his foot. At getting the lady driver’s attention, he gestured with his eyes. Towards an absolutely shocked Moxxie in the passenger seat.
Sally got the message then. “Oh… I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was…”
The freckled guy nodded, still not talking. I’m not sure what’s more tragic: that my family is gone or the realization that I never really had much of a family to begin with. Either way, I can’t pretend that whatever I’m looking for I’ll find by going home. I have no home
“Uh…” the scarred-eyed female started. “We can, uh, get you a ride. You know, you can see for yourself. Or settle somewhere new.”
Moxxie had managed to catch that and so nodded with more aware vigor. “Okay.”
Silence had overcome everyone again, since they were all able to catch the kind of heavy atmosphere coming from the freckled man, who’s left to his thoughts once again.
I could tell she knew what I was feeling. We were all orphans in Zombieland
Hours passed and it was dark now. Blitz and Octavia had fallen asleep by now, which Sally had seen when she looked over her shoulder for a second to check on them. Although it was curious that the skull pendant adorned and the young girl had switched places at some point.
Then the ponytailed brunette got to talking, wanting to confide in the only other one awake. “I know this Pacific Playland thing is nuts but it’s just been so long since she got to be a kid. I so as fuck didn't help since I had to make sure she survives and all.”
“Yeah, it’s tough growing up in Zombieland. Actually, it’s tough just growing up at all.”
The scarred-eyed lady nodded and then seemed to have noticed something ahead of her.
Sure enough, when getting closer, the bandanna-wearing woman gestured with her head and said, “there. You could take that truck.”
She stopped some feet away from a dark grey truck and exhaled, like she’s trying to get something off her chest. “Well, uh, I hope you find whoever it is you’re looking for. And don’t let go once you do.”
Moxxie, with a rather significant amount of hesitation, unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door. However, he didn’t step out. Instead, he kept looking at Sally, who looked on back.
It wasn’t just because I had nowhere else to go. It was because, at that moment, it became clear. Wherever this girl was, that’s where I wanted to be
So Moxxie had closed the door and Sally seemed to have accepted that, what with resuming to drive.
“Man, we’re gonna have to pull over soon. I’m feeling cooped up,” Blitz said sometime after he woke up. Then he happened to notice a billboard sign for Kome Sabe’s Trading Post. “Wantum your wampum… yeah, that’ll work.”
Sally obliged by stopped by the building, which is the trading post, but was wondering something. “Okay but what the hell are we doing?”
“Just humor him. Trust me,” Moxxie said quickly.
So the truck stops and everyone gets out, including Octavia since they can officially see that it’s really just a trading post and not anything dirty like what Blitz was probably thinking.
“So, who wants to go first?” The skull pendant guy inquired, having stepped on the porch.
Sally instantly holds Octavia close because she’ll be damned if she let her little sister get in danger if it can be avoided, infected kid con not withstanding. Meanwhile, Moxxie was conflicted with himself on what to do.
I really, really want to impress Wichita but it would be in violation of rule 17. Perhaps the most important rule of them all, despite it not being the very first rule. Don’t be a hero.
So the freckled male requests of his male companion, “why don’t you take this one?”
“Don’t mind if I do, bitch boy.” Blitz said as he held up a baseball bat vertically. Then he came up to the bell above and whacked it with that bat. Multiple times, just to be sure. Finally, the leather clad guy take the clapper and string of a bell he saw and shook it like crazy, which he more than likely was.
And the many rings was enough to ensure a zombie coming out, running at top speed. Moxxie's regretting so very hard at the moment at breaking rule number 17.
Chapter 16: Not Accounting For Taste
Summary:
The group takes a moment to chill in the giftshop. Blitz sure takes the moment to take it out on Moxxie a bit
Chapter Text
Chapter 16 - Not Accounting For Taste
Since Blitz was hidden behind the walls next to the door, it allowed him to remain unseen and to position his pistol and fire right at the zombie’s head when the decaying flesheater passed through the doorway. Although Moxxie was ready to shoot should the skull pendent guy miss the shot himself for whatever reason.
Of course, the freckled guy knew the double tap rule existed for a reason so he went ahead and put a second bullet into the zombie’s head. He felt sure now that they were safe for the time being. He just hoped he still looked cool in Sally's eyes.
“What do you folks think? Zombie kill of the week?” Blitz inquired.
“Well, close but no cigar,” Moxxie said. “Zombie kill of the week actually goes to sister Cynthia Mayberry.”
“Oh, really?” Octavia asked, interested. “Tell me all about it!”
A smile crept onto Moxxie’s face. “Well…”
From what the freckled guy had gathered, there was an elderly woman in a nun’s outfit walking to her church. Well, she’s rather speed-walking, considering she’s being chased by a zombie. However, Mayberry managed to make it to the door and grabbed hold of a chain pulley thing. Taking one more look at the zombie chasing her, the nun pulled it and then walked inside. The zombie got to the door just in time for a freaking piano to fall right on top of them.
“Wow… that poor, flat bastard…” Octavia voiced, impressed.
“Yeah, I can always give credit to a badass woman, ‘specially to one of the holy cloth,” Sally agreed as she started looking around the store.
Blitz just irritably tsked as he walked away. Still, he got to looking around the store soon enough, as did everyone else. Moxxie was checking out cologne on the shelves on how they smelled, although his eyes soon turning towards Sally.
The ponytailed brunette was checking out the different cowboy and cowgirl hats and even trying them out. Right now, she had a black one with glittery silver.
The freckled male was tempted to wave ‘hi’ but soon chickened out and disguised his lifted hand as spraying the cologne on his wrist. Besides, he felt that he could get a little more confidence if he smelled nice. So he got to spraying his neck, too.
Blitz came by in between Moxxie and Sally, to see all the various postcards on a stand. Then the skull pendant guy smelled the air, having detected the cologne. “Perfume? Is that fucking perfume?”
“Um… it’s cologne.”
“Well, I’m thinking…” Blitz got closer for a better smell. “…Lance Me Magnifique.”
“Please, why don’t you speak up a little? They might have missed it at Santa Fe.”
The skull pendant guy followed his friend’s line of sight as the smaller guy of them said that. Blitz’s eyes landed on the scarred-eyed lady and he got the general gist.
“Oh, holy fuck.”
Moxxie felt his face heating up and had it twisted into an annoyance grimace. “All right. Okay.”
“You’re thinking of fucking Wichita. Well, wish granted. She spent the last 24 hours fucking us both and not in the good way, either.”
The freckled male didn’t look at his companion until he felt some pats on his shoulder.
Looking up, the skull pendant guy said, “Hey. Good luck now, Pussy Petunia.”
There was something about the way Blitz had said that, complete with demeanor, that got Moxxie want to do something about it. And his bright idea of what to do about it is to take a cologne bottle and spritz it on the back of Blitz’s neck. Of course, the freckled male crumbled once he saw Blitz’s pissed-off expression, which makes it clear that any more sparks will definitely light the fuse.
“Okay, let me begin my three-part apology by saying that I think you’re a wonderful human with great potential-”
“As much as I like the dick-sucking, which, by all means, keep up, it’s fine.”
“Wha-really?”
“Yeah. ‘Cause FYI, I have beaten wholesale ass for a fuck ton less than that.”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“So for you, you get… uh, 45 percent power.”
“Um, thank you…?”
Then Moxxie fell backwards, tumbling against a little table with a ceramic hand-sized totem pole on top. The resulting crash from the totem pole landing on the floor had gotten Sally and Octavia’s attention. The older female now had a simple, beige cowgirl hat.
“You call that 45 percent power!?”
“Okay, I suck at math. Or you’re just so damn easy to knock down. But I swear, that’ll be it.”
“Truly?”
“Yeah. Now come on, Moxx, break another one.”
Chapter 17: Destroying A Lot of Little Things
Summary:
Nothing can smooth over bumps in the road and let off some steam better than just wrecking shit, especially if people do it together
Chapter Text
Chapter 17 - Destroying A Lot of Little Things
Moxxie had gotten up and made eye contact with Sally. Then, possibly at thinking that Blitz’s suggestion was a good one, she got to pushing another ceramic totem pole that was still standing. It had made the same kind of crashing sound as the first one. It also got everyone to smile and get into higher spirits.
“Yeah, that’s nice…” Blitz encouraged, clearly enjoying this.
Seeing that Sally's intrigued and interested, the freckled male goes ahead, grabs a nearby vase, and let that fall to the floor. Then the bandanna-wearing woman joins in by pushing aside a little jar holding native American drumsticks.
“Yeah! Don’t that feel good?” The skull pendant guy was getting into it now. After all, this was what he had everyone stopped for. In fact, he did a flying kick and managed to get a figurine on a shelf’s corner.
Octavia picked up a snow globe but took a look at it first, while her sister knocked down a stack of drums with a toy bayonet. Then Blitz picked up a life-size totem and threw it against a glass case. It was that at this moment the youngest member of the group threw the snow globe on the floor.
Sally smashed against more shelves while her sister put on a native American headdress and grabbed a long toy spear. It wasn’t long before Octavia got to smashing whatever was the nearest intact thing. It also wasn’t long before Sally and Moxxie got to playfully throwing beads at one another. As for Blitz, he grabbed a long native American ax and swung it at a mannequin sitting on a chair bolted to the wall up above him. Of course, that inanimate dummy was dressed as an Indian.
Then Sally and Moxxie threw down the beads-containing counter together while Blitz turned his attention on another mannequin, this one dressed as a cowboy. Drums were Blitz’s next target soon after. Moxxie joined in on destruction with the leather-clad man by throwing plush buffalo at him, the latter managing to tear them apart by hitting them with the ax. All the while swinging the ax like a baseball bat, too, which is kind of impressive.
The skull pendant guy went after a display case of Arizona’s maps and treasures. Finally, to cap it all off, he spotted a whole row of shelves still intact and the sight of them gave him an idea.
“Hey, Moxx, help me with this!”
Moxxie turned to see what Blitz was talking about. He saw the bigger male running towards the shelves and instantly got the idea. Sure, the skull pendant guy could probably be able to do it on his own but, if even a little bit of help will make a difference, then Moxxie's more than willing to.
The freckled man managed to time it just right so that he was pushing at the shelves right alongside the leather-clad one. As a result, it got all the shelves being more like dominoes hitting against each other, until the last one collapsed. Everyone now stood back and admired their handiwork. They were certainly in much better spirits than before, something of which Moxxie internally noted.
Sometimes, Blitz is right. You have to enjoy the little things, even if that means destroying a whole lot of little things.
The group was back in the car, Blitz now taking the wheel. Octavia wanted shotgun that time and so was allowed in the front passenger seat. Sally, seated in the back alongside Moxxie, sniffed the air.
Then she commented, “Huh. Smells like perfume.”
Moxxie ignored Blitz’s over-the-shoulder glance, which was smug as fuck.
Chapter 18: Swapping Seats
Summary:
Things are getting better and better, even - or even because of - with all the switching that the group is doing on their road trip
Chapter Text
Chapter 18 - Swapping Seats
At some future point of the drive, Blitz had started some conversation with Octavia, who was seated in the passenger seat. “You don’t know who Wille Nelson is?”
“Nope.”
“Seriously? Wille fucking Nelson?”
“Yeah, no, I don’t.”
At another point, they stopped and switched seats. Now Moxxie was driving, Blitz was in the passenger seat, and Octavia joined her sister in the back. The two ladies were taking the chance to sleep.
The current driver said, “yes, I shave every morning, but sometimes, by 4:30, more or less, I’ll have a thing. It’s called 5:00 shadow but sometimes I’ll get it prematurely.
Another switch at yet another point, now with Octavia in the driver’s seat. At least Sally was in the passenger’s one, if anything goes wrong. Although Moxxie and even Blitz watched wearily from the back.
Although that didn’t seem to be of any big concern to the bandanna-wearing woman, as she instructed, “Since it’s a freeway, you can get it up to something like 65, but don’t go more than 75.”
“Really, you don’t want to go more than twenty,” Moxxie said, near pleading.
Of course, Blitz threw in his own cents now that he got over his wariness. “Don’t worry about a blind spot. Blind spots are for other drivers.”
The ponytailed brunette protested during this. “I don’t want you to butt in! This is the only car around anyways!”
As did the really young brunette. “This is the first time I’ve ever driven!”
Once again, everyone had switched. Now Moxxie was in the passenger’s seat, Sally in the driver’s one, and Octavia and Blitz were together in the back and back asleep.
The freckled male went ahead and asked, “So… do you never strap in or is it just on long road trips?”
The scarred-eyed lady raised an eyebrow from the visible side of her face. “It’s just… you know… there’s zombies everywhere. I think the least of my worries-“
A soft but distinctly aggravated groan cut her off. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me…”
Now the bandanna-wearing woman scoffed in an amused manner. “Wow, the one time you actually sound confident in fucking anything, it’s this.”
“Driving safety rules were made for a reason!”
Another switch, now with Blitz in the driver’s seat, Octavia in the passenger’s one, and Sally and Moxxie snoozing behind them.
The very young brunette says, “yes, but, no, she’s not. She’s only famous when she’s Hannah Montana. When she’s wearing the wig.”
The skull pendant guy was super serious as he responded, “Okay. Right. Only the wig.”
“So…”
The final switch had Sally driving, Moxxie next to her, and Octavia and Blitz together in the back.
The ponytailed brunette glanced to her nerdy admirer. Then, after some seconds, said admirer had an idea on something. He was fiddling with his seat belt, his hands getting lower and lower, slowly but surely. Moxxie's eyes look back to the the scarred-eyed lady; she went ahead and gave a nod, like she has a pretty good guess as to what he was silently checking with her on. The freckled male proceeded to unbuckle the seat belt, fidgeting in his seat.
“How is it, Indiana Jones?"
There was a second, likely processing it, before the guy up front said, “I guess- it’s freeing.”
Sally gave Moxxie a smile, one more genuine than she ever had for someone who wasn’t her little sister. “Yeah. It sure is.”
Chapter 19: Going Fancy
Summary:
Blitz choose the next place to go but he and the others were going to need a map first
Notes:
Yeah, I forgot, and I'm taking advantage of how it's still Sunday where I am. Still, sorry and hope you enjoy
Chapter Text
Chapter 19 - Going Fancy
It was early morning by the time Moxxie had this thought: For the first time in a long time, we were having fun. So even though it ran counter to our strategies, we decided to stay together as far as Pacific Playland
The group had passed by a blue sign saying ‘Welcome to California’. Then, by the time it became the afternoon, they passed by a sign saying ‘Welcome to Los Angeles’.
Also at this point, the group had another switch. It was Blitz at the wheel, Moxxie sitting next to him, and Sally and Octavia together in the back. Everyone was quiet, having run out by now of things to talk about with one another and even just wanting some silence right now. At least said silence was comfortable and devoid of tension.
Although, Moxxie had noticed something about Blitz. His head had been drooping down several times, only for it to slightly jerk back up. His eyelids would do the same. All of that was subtle enough that, really, the freckled male was probably only able to tell because he was sitting next to the skull pendant guy and was paying close attention.
So Moxxie stated, “You know, I think sleep deviation is the number one health problem in America.”
Sally interjected, “well, now I think it might be problem number two.”
Blitz laughed then, going, “number two…”
Moxxie wasn’t amused. “I’m just saying I think we should find a place to stay for a while.”
There was hard clapping on the wheel from the larger guy. “Oh! I got an idea! We’re in Hollywood so let’s sleep in style.”
It was only seconds longer before Blitz stopped in front of some wrecked building that seemed Asian in design. However, the current driver gestured his head towards some stands on the sidewalk next to the building in question.
“Grab a map.”
Moxxie nodded and grabbed his rifle. Sally grabbed a gun herself and came out of the car with him. Two zombies have ran towards them, one dressed as a high-class elite man and the other as a hobo. However, it was incredibly easy for the pair of sharpshooters to get the animated corpses in their heads. It was honestly within the lady’s preference to stab or use a melee weapon but she knew she couldn’t risk that in a zombie apocalypse just for a dose of adrenaline, especially not during a measly map grab.
During this, Blitz was shouting, “come on! Hurry, hurry, hurry!”
Moxxie ran for the nearest map stand and grabbed the closest map within reach. Then he rushed back to the car, into the passenger’s seat.
“Not bad, Moxx. Now hold on!” Then, after having warned the group, the skull pendant guy slammed hard on the brakes to hightail it out of there. After all, at this point, a whole group of the decaying flesheaters were out and heading for the bright yellow vehicle. The survivors managed to escape, though, and was out elsewhere according to Blitz's directions and the map.
“Looks like anyone who’s ever been in a movie lives on this block,” Moxxie commented as he looked over the map.
“What the fuck you think we’re doing in the 90210, shit-faced Sally?”
The actual Sally in the vehicle flinched, before realizing that Blitz was still referring to Moxxie when he said the name. Pretty much as an insult, since that’s as far as she’s seen of their dynamic. Still, the ponytailed brunette had to silently assure the really young brunette that nothing was wrong.
So the scarred-eyed lady said, “I kind of pictured Tom Cruise living somewhere nicer.”
Perhaps changing the subject will do it, she thought. At least Octavia's looking not so spooked or anything like that.
“B-lister compared to what I got in mind, people. We’re going to the tippy-top of the A-list.”
Both the bandanna-wearing woman and her little sister asked, “Who?”
Blitz gave them a happy, eager grin before turning back to the road. “You’ll see.”
Sure enough, it was only seconds before the leather-clad man was driving up to a gate, clearly intending to stop at the house behind it.
Moxxie commented, “Huh, there’s a big A.D.”
“And it ain’t A D,” the skull pendant guy made clear.
Chapter 20: Who?
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 20 - Who?
Blitz parked the car and everyone got out and approached the front door. The skull pendant guy made a bit of a show presenting the inside like it. Well, it’s not like it left much to be desired.
“Wow…” Moxxie breathed out. “This place is incredible.”
There were black, white-topped stairs covered in red carpet and with curvy decorative railing, chandeliers here and there, elaborate decals decorating the upper ceiling and walls, Greek designed pillars holding up the building, nice furniture with plush seats and polished wood, fancy vases by the front doors… and by the looks of it, the second floor had multiple chandeliers lighting up the hallways as they go down. Of course, since the building in question was a mansion, the size was a given, both inside and outside, and it served to add more to the grandness of this place.
Obviously, Sally and Octavia were just as taken in by this mansion as much as Moxxie was. They all stayed together as a group but they were set at a wandering pace. The group stopped at another incredibly nice room. This one had the same wall decals and plush furniture of polished wood. There was also a sleek sound system set up at a long side table next to a stack of CDs, fancy lamps here and there, and. Finally, on the walls, there were paintings hung up. One was of a little piggy and another of multiples of a man’s head in a variety of different colors next to one another.
“Ladies and Moxxie, welcome to the mansion of the Angel Dust,” Blitz announced.
“Ah, Angel Dust. Nice taste,” Moxxie remarked.
“No way… this guy has a direct line to my funny bone,” Sally stated, happy at being in a place of residence of one of her favorite celebrities. She very much liked seeing the portrait above the fireplace, one of Angel dressed in a fur coat and boots and sitting on a park bench with his little piggy. “Everything-“
“Wait,” Octavia interrupted, apparently having something important to bring up. “Who’s Angel Dust?”
“Hey. I’ve never hit a kid before,” Blitz said, almost like a warning. “That’s like asking who the fuck Vivienne Medrano is.”
“And who’s that?”
That was the final straw for Blitz. Not that he got to actually hit the kid when Sally quickly intervened with, “she’s fucking eight.”
So Octavia and Blitz just got to searching the kitchen. When they were about done, the former sing-taunted, “no twinkies!”
“SHIT, FUCK!”
“See? This is why we should have gone to Russel Crows. No one listens to me!” Sally griped and complained as she sat on one of the kitchen islands.
“Excuse me? Hello? Inside voices, remember? At least until we know that we’re alone,” Moxxie reminded them all. Then he pointed to the grown man and woman, saying, “Blitz, Wichita, why don’t you two take that way?”
Finally, the freckled man turns to the girl, “Little Rock, come with me.”
“And why the fuck do I have to stuck with this bitch?” The leather-clad man gestured to the woman he was talking about as he asked that, although the question ultimately went unanswered.
Sally actually didn’t take much offense to that beyond an eye roll and a scoff. After all, it’s not like she’s any more excited to be stuck with this guy. Still, it wasn’t long before Moxxie and Octavia were going down a hallway together. It stretched on for quite a while, several minutes before finally coming to a room.
The freckled guy muttered, “Doesn’t seem to end…”
Then he gasped at seeing the absolutely beautiful ebony piano, approaching it like it was the most glorious and precious thing in his life.
Octavia looked at him weirdly and tried getting his attention. “Hey, Moxxie? Hel-looooo…?”
That combined with enough shaking snapped Moxxie out of it. “Right! Right, sorry. Then he noticed another room, with its doors wide open. “Hey, come here.”
When the freckled guy and young girl got close, the former let out, “Whoa…”
“He has his own movie theater…?”
Sure enough, exactly as Octavia inquired, the room they were looking into was that of a luxurious movie theater, with the crowd’s worth of seats, the large screen… there was even a popcorn machine right outside that room, next to the two gawking at it all.
“Okay, I’m going to teach you a little something about Angel Dust,” Moxxie declared.
Notes:
Funny enough, I kind of got the same problem as Zombieland Octavia. I don't know a lot of celebrities myself. It's more to me not having the interest than not being old enough to know, though
Chapter 21: The Angel Dust Museum and Mansion
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 21 - The Angel Dust Museum and Mansion
Blitzo and Sally were investigating a luxurious bedroom of golds and browns. There was even a canopy bed.
“The king slept right here…” Blitzo said in awe, jumping on the bed to feel the soft covers.
“Dibs on the bed,” Sally declared. She continued to look around for any zombies to shoot.
“Too soft for me anyway.” Just to be sure, though, the skull pendant guy moved his rear up and down on the mattress before getting off.
Moxxie had a movie going, that picture show playing its theme. “There’s something strange. In the neighborhood. Who you gonna call?”
“Oh, this is so exciting,” the freckled guy gushed to the young girl in the movie seats with him. “You’re about to learn who you gonna call.”
“Something weird…”
“Ghostbusters.”
“And it don’t look good…”
Octavia raised a brow, muttering, "Angel Dust was really in this movie...?"
There was another bedroom, one with the bed having four nicely-polished brown pillars and cheetah print covers. There was a body laying on it, the hand twitching and moving. It took only seconds for that body to sit up on the bed. Then it got moving.
“That’s pretty catchy,” Sally commented. Blitz had put on the Ghostbusters theme and was dancing with joy to it.
“I ain’t afraid of no ghost…” The skull pendant guy sings along as he takes off his jacket.
“Help me with the boots!” Blitz cried out, falling backwards on a nearby couch. “Come on! Help me with the boots!”
However, the ponytailed gal just simply walked away, taking off her own jacket.
“Okay, I’ll get ‘em myself. You’re lucky you’re a badass bitch.”
“You’re lucky we even learned how to put up with each other. Now pipe down and enjoy the music.”
The zombie that rose up was walking through the halls, going to where he’s hearing the music. He was walking rather normally for a zombie, almost like he’s still human.
Sally was doing some golf or at least swinging the club. She stopped for a moment to look at a picture of some guy in fancy riding gear. As for Blitz, he was back on his boots-less feet, dancing along happily to the song. At least until the bandanna-wearing woman accidentally hit the skull pendant guy on the head, making him fall down. She didn’t mean to, what with the golf ball she whacked had bounced off the wall and then got to him.
“Shit,” the scarred-eyed lady said.
Then the zombie entered the room, now moving more like an undead corpse. The leather-clad man noticed him, starting to get up from the floor.
“Angel Dust, you’re a zombie…?” Blitz asked, more perplexed than alarmed.
The ponytailed gal rushed over to whack the zombie on the side, since it was only convenient weapon she had. It was a big surprise to her when the ‘zombie’ yelled, much like a real, living person does when they get hurt.
The confusion grew when Angel Dust kept yelling in pain, including, “I’m on fucking fire!”
“You’re not a fucking zombie,” Blitz stated. “You’re talking and… you’re okay?”
“The fuck hell I am!”
“I’m sorry,” Sally said. “I didn’t know that it was ‘you’ you.”
“Are you…?” Blitz gestured over himself, where Angel would have his zombie look. “What’s with the get-up?”
“Oh, I do it to blend in. You know. Zombies don’t mess with other zombies. Buddy of mine showed me how to do this. Cornstarch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies. Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to to get out and do stuff.”
Blitz was nodding and smiling now, apparently liking Angel’s thought process as he further explained himself.
“Just played nine holes on the Rivera. Just walked on. Nobody there.”
The skull pendant guy couldn’t contain it anymore, screaming, “GODDAMNIT, ANGEL FUCKING DUST!” Blitz’s fists were pumping in the air as he yelled the name.
“I had to get that out,” Blitz explained, calmer now. “I don’t mean to gush and shit.”
Sally was smiling along with the fanboy. Sure, she’s not really into Angel Dust, not as much as Blitz was, apparently, but she does feel how much of a big deal it is.
Notes:
While the Ghostbusters thing felt like a fun little nod to the ghostbusters parody that Furbydisaster53 wrote, I think it's important to point out how the Ghostbusters parody is completely non-canon to this fic; it wasn't even filmed as a movie in-universe to this fanfic. Otherwise, there's be so many completely conflicting plot points, like how Blitz should know Angel since they were two important characters in the Ghostbusters fic
Chapter 22: Introductions Done, Now Let's Play
Chapter Text
Chapter 22 - Introductions Done, Now Let's Play
“This is so surreal. You probably get this all the time. Well, maybe not lately, but I’m such a huge fan of yours. I mean, I swear, you know.” The skull pendant guy slammed a hand on an open palm for emphasis. “I’ve seen every one of your movies a million fucking times. I even love your dramatic roles and everything.”
Angel Dust did seem accustomed to the praise but he also clearly liked it. Especially since, as Blitz said, he hasn’t been able to get this treatment as of late.
“Six people left in the world and one of them is Angel fucking Dust! I know that’s not your middle name. I’ve been watching you since I was like… since I could masturbate! I mean, not that they’re connected.”
Now Angel Dust was on guard. It’s been a while since he’s got comments like that, too. He can't say he missed that very much.
“A former greenskeeper about to become the Masters champion.”
Blitz had taken Angel Dust’s hand and shook it, seeming like he was going to ‘get overly excited’ right then and there.
The celebrity just had this to say. “Well, that’s why we do it.”
“I love you, Angel. I love you so fucking much.”
“I thank ya.” Then Angel Dust happened to notice Sally’s gaze still on him. “Yer starin’ at me. I know I don’t like my hair like this but-“
“I’m sorry. No, it’s just that you look remarkably like a blonde Eddie Van Halen.”
“I just saw Eddie Van Halen.”
“Really?” Blitz inquired.
“Yeah.”
“Wow,” Sally voiced.
“Where?” Blitz asked.
“At the Hollywood Bowl.”
“Well, how was he?”
“He’s a zombie.”
“That’s a tough break,” Sally remarked.
“So, how about a little West Coast hospitality? Can I get you anythin'? What would ya like?”
Well, Blitz requested to use a hookah, Angel Dust lighting up the drugs or whatever himself in it while his guest inhaled through the tube-y end. Sally was doing the same thing with another tube-y end. Although the bandanna-wearing woman coughed, being a little unused to specifically a hookah.
“Smooth, ain’t it?” Angel Dust asked.
Later on, they got a new idea on what to do. The scarred-eyed lady looked up at the chandelier and wore glasses, wondering how she got roped into doing this bit.
“Oh, hurry. Hurry, he’s on the ceiling. Come get him. Avoid the chandelier.”
“Light him up, Ray!” Blitz shouted, in full on exterminator gear. Although he had a regular vacuum cleaner strapped around him.
“See ya on the other side, Pete,” Angel Dust said while working another vacuum cleaner that was strapped around him.
“Oh, he’s so disgusting,” the ponytailed gal stated. “Looks like Slimer.”
The celebrity shouted, “Don’t cross the streams!”
“I don’t wanna cross-!”
“Oh, no, he’s awful,” Sally said. She sounded somewhat monotone the whole time but she was, indeed, having fun. Besides, considering her role, the monotonous attitude was gonna be part of the bit, anyways.
“Don’t cross the streams!” Blitz cried out.
However, the power surged for a second, even going out for a second, before being back to normal. It got everyone’s attention and they were wondering what was going on.