Chapter Text
It was approximately 6:30PM on a Friday in a very specific district of west Los Angeles, near Beverly Hills. The king of all animals, that being King Noble the lion, was holding a party for all the animals of the land.
Many had arrived to pay His Majesty their respects. Many famous animals of note were present. Besides His Majesty the King, there was Fineskin the Leopard, the king’s most trusted valet, Reynard the fox, his advisor in matters of diplomacy and war, and there was also Isengrim the wolf accompanied by his wife, Arswind. Isengrim ran a number of famous animal-themed casinos in the area, which was a big moneymaker for the animal elite in west LA.
*****
The year, it must be said, was 1978. Jimmy Carter was the president. New laws had been passed to allow certain animals who had the gift of speech the right to live similar lives to that of humans.
The concept was strange to most people at the first of it, but as time went by, it became just as normal as anything else. As a matter of fact, with the advent of Isengrim’s casinos, it was quite well-spoken about and adored by the many tourists visiting California.
As popular as the talking animals had become, they were still different in culture. They did not really like mingling with the humans, and so were given their own places to live where they could deal with their own issues in private.
And so this great party held by the king of all animals happened in this very sort of place known only as the Animal District. Here the animals could live in their own way and be the people they had always wanted to be, equipped with a culture bound firmly within the Christian faith, as decreed by King Noble himself. It was by dint of these boundaries that intelligent animals could live so freely among men.
*****
“Most animals don’t know anything about the sheer intricacies of a properly made burrow,” said Reynard the fox to a rather nervous one-eared rabbit known by many as Lapreel. “Most of your bunny houses only have a few entrances and exits, but someone with an acumen for cleverness knows that there should be many more and most of them secret. A siege is what you want to avoid naturally.”
Lapreel clearly not liking being talked down to in this way, did his best to rebut the argument, “As you know, rabbits are natural burrowers. We know all about the secret exit strategies.”
“Perceived as secret only to you,” ridiculed the fox. “But a clever fox knows where to look. If I were not a servant of the Christ, I would know just where to fill in your secret exits, blocking you in until I could inevitably dig you out. You’d certainly make a lovely snack for a fox of lesser morals, Lapreel.”
The rabbit turned pale from hearing those words. “Well, you shan’t have me today, I wager. I am a respectable person in the Animal District presently.”
Reynard chuckled and waved him off. “Yes, I’m sure the laundry industry has their own variety of respect.”
Bruin the Bear glanced over at Reynard, and downed the entirety of his martini. He looked down at Tybert the cat who had the unfortunate luck to be standing nearby.
“What is his fucking problem?” growled Bruin.
Tybert’s fur fluffed up slightly when he realized the giant of a creature was addressing him with such anger. “I’m sure I don’t know what you are referring to.”
“Him. Fucking Reynard.” Fineskin the leopard passed by, carrying martinis. Bruin set down his glass and grabbed two more. After downing another, he said, “Look how he’s talking to everyone like he’s His Majesty’s little pet.”
“Isn’t he though?” asked Tybert, but all he got was a menacing glare from the drunken bear.
“Someone should put him in his place. That’s what I say.” And down went another martini. Tybert slipped away after he noticed the bear wobbling sort of funny.
“How’s the casino business?” asked Grimbart the badger of Isengrim.
“Decidedly lucrative,” replied the wolf. “The human population comes for its novelty alone. We’ve been doing quite well for ourselves, haven’t we, Arswind?”
His wife, Arswind the she-wolf, seemed a bit distracted. She took a moment to look at her husband, realizing she had just been addressed. “Yes, we’ve been doing very well.”
Drunken Bruin hobbled out of nowhere, now focused on Isengrim for some reason. “Lucrative, you say? If it’s so lucrative, then why couldn’t you pay full price for a renovation?”
“You agreed to my terms, Bruin,” said Isengrim stoically. “I was well within my rights to take bids from other construction groups. It is not my fault it was so competitive.”
“I still feel swindled.”
“You may feel that way, but under the gaze of our Lord, an agreement was still made.”
Grimbart saw what was happening. As a student of animal law, he felt the need to add his two cents. “An agreement of any sort within the Animal Kingdom is very binding. If you have any concerns, however, you can always talk to King Noble. Although I would warn you that much of the proceeds from Isengrim’s casinos go into his purse. He is more likely to arbitrate the matter in Isengrim’s favor.”
“Fair enough, I suppose,” grumbled the bear sulkily.
It was here that Isengrim happened to notice that his wife was looking a bit distracted. He asked of her, “Dear, you almost look ill. Did you want to go home early? I’m sure His Majesty will not mind.”
To this, Arswind shook her head and replied, “I’m fine, dear. Perhaps some fresh air will do me good.”
“Should I join you?”
“No. Please give my best to the king.”
“Certainly, dear.” And then he kissed her, allowing her to part his company.
Tybert the cat was near the door, still trying to steer clear of Bruin, who was going about complaining about one thing or another. When he saw Arswind approaching, he smiled and said, “Having fun, Arswind?”
“Tybert, it’s good to see you again, but I don’t think I can talk to anyone right now.”
Tybert was uncomfortable. There were things he really wished to say, but he felt too awkward in present company to do so. There were just too many people. “Perhaps a phone call later.”
“Perhaps,” returned the she-wolf before she passed onto the balcony.
Tybert sighed and walked towards the king to pay his own respects. Reynard the fox passed him by, knocking the cat slightly with his red and white tail. The feline frowned and did his best not to look like he cared, even though he did.
Out on the balcony, Arswind looked down at the sparkling pool lit up by the submerged electric lights. Their glow flickered about on her face like blue flame. All at once, she felt a familiar scent at her tail. She released a sigh and woefully said, “We can’t do this anymore, Reynard.”
“Can’t do what?” asked Reynard, who now stood aside her, leaning against the railing. “I’m positive that we aren’t doing much more than mingling at the king’s party, my dear.”
She looked up and into his eyes. “You know exactly what I mean. We cannot continue to have this wicked affair.”
Reynard gasped slightly. He shushed her a moment before he closed the door, blocking off the party. “Dear, my dear, sweetest of all wolves, you speak too loudly of such forbidden secrets.”
She shook her head miserably. “I am a married wolf and you are a married fox. We cannot continue doing this. I feel the flames of hell tickling my paws. I am destined for damnation if I do not confess my sins.”
“Good lord, my dear, confess to who? Surely a priest who can keep silent about it.”
She looked at him with determination in her eyes. “I must confess it to all. I must tell the king and all who serve under him.”
“What a preposterous thing to do. You would be a ruined woman. In avoiding the flames of hell, you would be burned alive by your own peers.”
“You’re trying to make me afraid, Reynard,” she said with defiance in her tone. “And in doing so, you forsake your own wicked soul. Not even you can live out your days without facing your own sins, Reynard. No, I must confess. And with God on my side, not even you have any power to silence me.”
These words drove Reynard into a deep hatred, although he did not show any of this to her. He remained cool and apparently unaffected. But Reynard had begun to hate her for what she had said. The idea that she could best him, the idea that he could be shamed among his own peers… It was as if she had attempted to drive an ice pick into his own sense of pride.
Reynard placed a paw to her cheek and asked, “Do you really despise me so much that you would wish to ruin both of our reputations at once? You once told me how attractive I was to you.”
She melted slightly at his touch. “I am attracted to you, Reynard, but our relationship is a wicked one. Isengrim must know.”
“Isengrim would kill me, and you would be responsible.”
“I must confess!”
“Ah, quiet down, my dear.” He held her by both cheeks now. “Listen, this is not the venue for such a confession, and I think you are tired and need rest. You’ve been thinking far too much on such dreadful things. I think you should excuse yourself and go home. I’ll come over at my usual time, and perhaps we can bring all this to an end… unless you have a change of heart.”
“I promise you that I will not,” she said tiredly. “Although… I’ll still meet with you.”
“Of course you will. And perhaps we can work something out, but not here. Not tonight.”
At this very moment, the balcony door was opened. Grimbart the badger stepped out with a curious look. “Is everything good, Reynard?”
Reynard stepped away from the sad she-wolf and very tactfully replied, “Everything is fine, Grimbart. Could you cover me with my wife again this Saturday?”
“Of course,” returned the badger discretely.
“Thank you. Thank you.” The fox briefly returned to Arswind and said, “I’ll see you later, my dear.”
“Yes, Reynard,” she muttered softly, before being left all alone on the balcony.
Chapter Text
On the very same day at around 9:00 that evening, deep within the cellar of Reynard’s famous Wickedhole estate, the fox sat alone in front of his workbench. It was here that many a scheme had taken place within his life.
After putting his children to sleep, he had retired down by his lonesome to do some thinking. Deep in his heart was a terrible hatred which shone in his eyes, for they were certainly the windows to his own animal spirit. But this fox was clever enough not to show his spirit to anyone else but the spiders on the wall.
In his hand was a bottle of sleeping pills that his wife sometimes used when she was feeling nervous. He looked at the ingredients printed on the container, opened the bottle, and sniffed the contents. Another moment was taken as he considered his options.
“With God on my side, not even you have the power to silence me.” He whispered these words to himself a number of times. They were the words that had made him so angry. They were the words that had so dearly injured his pride. How dare she say such a thing? How dare she evoke the name of the Lord against him? Was she not just as guilty as he? The bitterness grew strong inside his heart.
Reynard dropped a large number of pills onto the table. He crushed them and placed the resulting powder into a glass vial of which he immediately corked. Placing the vial into his pocket, the fox cleaned up the remaining dust by simply blowing it away.
The fox left his workbench and ascended the staircase to where his wife was doing some last-minute cleaning.
“Ermilyn, my dear,” he addressed her with a kiss. “I’ll be playing cards with Grimbart tonight as usual.”
“I hope you have fun with him,” she returned with a smile. “Give him my best, won’t you?”
“Naturally,” he said with a charming bow, and then exited the house.
Indeed, he would go to see Grimbart for the better part of two hours, but he intended to visit Arswind after that.
Chapter Text
It was around eleven at night. Arswind was alone in the grand living room of her lavish estate. She paced about with an aspect of someone who was lost. She frowned. She sighed often. For a moment, she considered whether the room needed to be redecorated, but all of that was a distraction. She cared about very little of it.
Arswind suddenly stopped before a table which supported a framed picture of her husband and herself holding paws. She picked it up and gazed into his strong eyes. She remembered when this picture was taken. It was shortly after the ground-breaking ceremony for Isengrim’s casino. She had been there, giving the wolf all of her support, looking beautiful just for him. Of course, he always said she was beautiful. He said it even when he did not have to.
The bell rang.
Arswind started, placing the picture back down. She gazed at the door, feeling a tightness in her throat. With grace in every step, the she-wolf approached the door and opened it… but no one was there.
“Hello?” she called out into the darkness. She peered out but saw no one. Confused, she slowly pulled the door shut.
“My dear,” came the familiar voice from behind her.
Arswind gasped as she turned around. The fox stood there, dressed as he had been at the party.
“Reynard!” she said accusingly.
Chuckling as he calmly approached the woman, Reynard said, “You really ought to make sure all your doors are locked, my sweet Arswind. Someone might sneak in and do something unthinkable.”
Her fright quickly melted into annoyance. She scoffed. “I am not in the mood tonight, Reynard. You might as well go home early.”
She tried to leave the living room, but he slipped in front of her, blocking the exit. “Now, what’s all this?” he said with feigned concern. “Is this not our time? Surely this isn’t still about that wolf you love so much. He’s not here after all.”
“He’s out making a living for the both of us,” she said, defending him.
Reynard noticed Arswind glance at the photograph. He stepped over to it, picking it up to give it his own appraisal. “Not a bad-looking fellow, really. Tall… stoic… even handsome, I suppose.”
“Please put that down,” she muttered weakly.
Reynard ignored her, continuing to look at the picture. “A sort of sadness, though. Do you see it?” He flashed the image towards her. “Perhaps he realizes the truth.”
“And what truth is that?” she asked, unsure if she actually wanted to hear the answer.
He placed the picture face down and replied, “That he shall never fully appreciate the woman standing next to him like I do.”
There was something in his voice. She never could identify exactly what it was, but it had a way of slicing through her heart like a knife. She melted so quickly for Reynard, but she hated herself for it. All at once, the she-wolf realized that she was fawning over him, although she did her very best to snap herself out of it.
“Reynard, we cannot do this again!” she cried in a broken and frankly, doubtful voice. “I must confess! I will confess!”
Reynard raised his paws in surrender, which put Arswind into a confusion. He returned, “I stand here, my dearest, in perfect awe of your admirable loyalty to your husband. He must be thinking the same about you while over at the casino.”
He took her paw, and she reluctantly let him.
He went on, “I hope that you will allow me just one more chance to indulge in your most beautiful perfection.” He kissed her paw and gestured to the couch. “After all,” he added, “what’s one more time between friends?”
There was something in his voice; there must have been. A sort of hypnosis. A calling. A desire to do what was unthinkable. Her own thoughts, her very soul, resisted… but her body was led to the couch with no resistance whatsoever.
That smile. That grin that oozed so much charm. Those pearly, clean teeth that accented his lovely face. She was smitten… smitten like so many times before. Reynard undressed her. He took off everything and was soon nude himself. He kissed her. She kissed back. She held him, and he mounted her with a growling lust. And then… penetration. She moaned loudly as he forced himself inside her body, thrusting with such an excitable rhythm. Warm and wet lust was theirs. She wanted him. She wanted him inside her. And so it happened, with many moans between the two, they climaxed there on the couch, panting in each other’s arms once more.
But as the afterglow of their sinful act lost its glimmer, the she-wolf once more glanced over at the downturned photograph, and the ever-creeping flames of hell approached her once again.
The clock on the wall began its chimes for midnight. Reynard was only then buttoning back up, glancing briefly towards the timepiece. “You know, my dear, I cannot tell you how convenient it is to make love to someone who is incapable of bearing my children. It really simplifies the fun of it all. Don’t you agree?”
Arswind, also redressing herself, replied without much emotion, “I agree.”
The fox nodded with confidence, standing up as if to leave. “I’m glad we settled things then. Did you want to wait another week, or would you like me to show up sooner, dear?”
Arswind slowly reached out and reset the photograph back into position. Calmly, she replied, “Reynard, I will be coming out about our affair tomorrow before King Noble.”
Reynard’s face twitched as he stared at her. “Arswind, what are you going on about?” He felt doubly betrayed, since she had just allowed him to make love to her. “We just…” He was too flustered to continue the sentence, and it was taking all of his willpower to give the illusion of calmness.
Arswind, however, was calm. She said to the fox, “I’m going to do it, Reynard. You cannot stop me this time. I will no longer allow you to lead me on this sinful path. As God as my witness, I will confess, and you can do nothing to prevent me.”
Reynard stood very still and stared into her eyes.
She added, “No matter what happens, Reynard, we both need to deal with the consequences of this before the king… and before God.”
Reynard remained silent and cold for a short time… before nodding with respect before her. “Yes,” he finally relented. “Yes, of course, you are right, my dear. We should both confess. Tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow,” she confirmed, but she was clearly in distress. “You must.” Her hands were shaking. The fear had her again, and Reynard noticed it.
The fox held up his paws in submission. “I will, but darling, you are so very distressed by all of this. Let me get you a drink before I leave you once and for all.”
“All right,” said Arswind, leaning back on the couch. She felt terrible. Everything was falling apart.
Reynard went into the kitchen. He found a bottle of wine and uncorked it. Taking a fine crystal glass, he filled it for her. From his pocket, he drew out his vial of sleeping powder and administered the entire dose into the drink. He stirred it around with his own digit until the powder had completely disappeared.
He re-corked the wine and placed the vial back into his pocket. After taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, Reynard returned to the living room and handed her the glass. “Drink,” he said with an encouraging nod. “All of it. You’ll feel better. You might even sleep better.”
Arswind wanted to sleep. She wanted to pass out and just let the world go for a while. And so she drank from the glass, and she drank all of it.
“I’ll put this away,” Reynard said softly. The fox took the glass away from her and proceeded back into the kitchen, casually rinsing it out to make sure all the powder residue was gone. He checked the glass carefully before placing it back on the glass rack.
As she lay on her couch, Arswind became dizzy and confused. The room was spinning. She tried to stand up, but her legs would not obey. For a moment, she could see the form of Reynard slowly approaching her.
Reynard’s voice sounded strange and warped, as if spoken down a long tunnel, saying, “You look very tired, my dear.”
Reynard watched as she gave into the medication. She closed her eyes, her mouth hanging slightly open. The fox licked his lips as he approached her sleeping form. He cradled her by the muzzle and briefly kissed her lips. And then, opening his maw wide and baring his teeth, Reynard clamped his jaw around her warm neck, his teeth piercing her skin… before violently tearing out her throat.
Chapter Text
It was surreal at the first of it. Reynard stood before the scene of his own crime and took a moment to contemplate what he had just done. Arswind was dead. The taste of her warm flesh was on his tongue. The she-wolf lay upon the couch. Blood still dribbled out of her open neck. It was so very quiet. Only the ticking of the clock gave the room any sort of audible personality.
The clock. It was 12:15AM.
Time was important. Isengrim would be home soon. Reynard took a deep breath and centered himself. He needed to get to work. Freezing up was the mark of prey, and Reynard valued himself as a predator.
He checked himself in a nearby mirror. He had kept himself fairly clean. Most of the blood was around his lips. He used a handkerchief to wipe his face off. It had been such a clean kill; something to be proud of, really. A perfect use of teeth. Precision.
Reynard returned to Arswind and carefully drug her body to the floor. Most of the blood was on the couch, but he did not mind that. It was inconsequential. The fox then went about and began knocking things over, keeping the area of his rampage to the central section of the living room. A struggle. It had to look chaotic and centralized.
Reynard noticed a rug near the entrance to the kitchen. He went over and picked up one end, dragging it over to the front door. Regarding it for a moment, he wiggled his fingers about as if controlling invisible puppets. He turned his head and saw a rather ornate lamp with leopard print on the glass shade. He approached it, pressing his paws to it and checking its weight and such.
Satisfied, he yanked the power cable out of an outlet in the floor and carried it to the front door. On either side of the door were two cabinets filled with various knickknacks. They were just barely high enough for Reynard to climb. Placing the unplugged lamp at the top of one, he carefully climbed up and made himself comfortable. Between his legs was the lamp. He quieted himself, listening only to the ticks of the clock.
*****
Isengrim was just driving home from his shift at the casino. He was tired and somewhat depressed, for there had been a minor altercation with some customers that night. Dealing with humans was not always ideal.
He pulled his car up the driveway and switched it off. Stepping out of his vehicle, he loosened his tie, something he had never felt very comfortable in. He approached the front door, took out his keys, and used them to open it up. After only taking a single step inside, he paused as he saw the bloody scene before him with not enough time to fully comprehend it.
Reynard, positioned above the confused wolf, violently smashed the lamp over his head, putting him out. The crash had been so violent that Reynard was afraid he had in fact killed the wolf, which was not what he wanted. To his satisfaction, however, Isengrim was still breathing.
Reynard knew he had little time, and yet he remained calm. He drug the unconscious wolf over to the body of his wife, which was no easy task for a fox. He then manipulated the husband’s jaws around the open neck of his wife and smashed them down hard, causing a second tear.
Final steps. The broken lamp was placed loosely in the hand of Arswind and plugged back in. He tried to make it look like she had used it on Isengrim as a matter of self-defense. Returning to the rug at the front door, Reynard made sure that all the glass pieces from the broken lamp were gathered onto it. He drug the rug over to the ghastly scene, and shook all the glass pieces over them. He then replaced the rug where he had originally found it.
Reynard began to back away towards the door. Isengrim was still unconscious. Arswind was still dead. The clock was still ticking. It was perfect. It was absolutely perfect. He took hold of the front door and closed it. His car was parked down the road a way. He ran for it, jumped in, and drove off to meet with his friend Grimbart.
Chapter Text
Grimbart the badger was expecting Reynard shortly. He had been wasting the time away, reading one of his legal books. It was something he did a lot. Animal law was a passion of his. He often liked to contrast them with the laws of humanity, which were often quite different.
At around 12:40AM, the doorbell rang.
Putting the book aside, the old badger pushed himself out of his chair and approached his front door. After opening it up, he looked into the eyes of his friend Reynard. Before he even had a chance to greet him, the fox said something shocking.
“I have murdered Arswind.”
“What?” The badger almost thought he was joking, but the fox looked deadly serious.
Reynard stepped in and repeated, “I have murdered her, Grimbart. I murdered her, and I designed the scene to appear as if Isengrim did it.”
Grimbart closed the door and rather dumbly regarded his friend for a moment. He finally asked, “Reynard, old friend, have you lost your mind?”
Reynard went over to a decanter and poured himself a glass of whiskey. “No, the she-wolf lost her mind when she decided to betray me.” He took a sip with a hand that was slightly quivering. He looked at Grimbart calmly, allowing him to take it all in.
The badger was still aghast. “Reynard, King Noble will not allow this sort of thing to happen. He’ll have you hung for it.”
“He won’t find out,” replied Reynard.
“Not to mention… the sheer wickedness of it all!”
“Oh please,” scoffed the fox, placing the drink down. “I was already sleeping with her, and you covered for me.”
“Reynard!” snapped the badger, almost losing his temper.
The fox placed his paws to Grimbart’s shoulders. “Grimbart, I have come here for a very important reason. I am here to confess my sins and receive penance for my crimes. You have always been there for me, Grimbart… my lawyer… my priest… my friend.”
Grimbart was pensive. He had always cared so very deeply for his friend. It was true that he was not a real ordained priest of the Roman Catholic Church, but he had served as one for Reynard many times in the past.
“But this…” muttered the badger. “Reynard… this is beyond anything you have ever done. Isengrim and Arswind were high members of the king’s court.”
“And so am I,” returned the fox. “I have the king’s ear. I speak, and he believes everything I say. The only thing I must protect myself against is animal law… and the laws of God.”
“Reynard,” whimpered the badger.
The fox clenched Grimbart’s shoulders all the tighter. “Do not abandon me now, old friend. Stay with me and be my alibi. I am asking you to be both my lawyer and my priest in these matters. Forgive me of my sins, father. I have committed murder. I beg for penance so that my soul will be cleansed of this terrible mark against it. Please, Grimbart.”
The words of Reynard had always softened the heart of the old badger. He raised his paws and took the fox’s shoulders in kind. “Yes, I will protect you, my friend, and be your alibi. But the penance for what you have done… I feel it should be severe and painful.”
Reynard stepped back, looking strongly into the eyes of the badger. “So be it.” The fox then undid his tie and removed his shirt. Grimbart went over to his fireplace and drew up a poker. Reynard gulped as he saw the brass implement. He steeled himself and turned to face away from his friend.
“Three strikes to your back, Reynard,” said Grimbart harshly. “Only three and you shall be absolved of your sins. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” replied Reynard. “I understand.”
“Then, as you say… so be it.”
Grimbart raised the poker into the air, grit his teeth, and then brought it down heavily upon Reynard’s back. The fox screamed.
Chapter Text
It was around 7:00AM, Saturday morning at the home of Isengrim, and there were four police vehicles parked in the driveway. Various human officers were walking around and chatting with one another. At this moment in time, a faded blue 1950 Peugeot convertible drove up the driveway, pulling up directly behind Isengrim’s parked car.
From out of the driver side door came a rather haggardly gentleman, middle-aged, sporting a tan raincoat, and holding a lit cigar between his lips. He had tousled hair and noticeable bags under his eyes. He bore a look of exhaustion and confusion as he stood outside his vehicle, regarding the sheer magnitude of the Isengrim estate.
“Jeez Louise,” he said in a deep, creaky sort of voice, placing a hand to his head. “Those dog houses just keep getting bigger.”
The man proceeded to the house, but stopped, realizing he had not shut the door to his car. Returning to it, he closed it, hearing the creaking metallic sounds of its age, which to him meant everything was normal. Patting the hood affectionately, the man then proceeded through the front door, which was wide open.
“Excuse me, sir,” said a young uniformed officer standing guard just inside.
“Huh?” returned the strange man, as if this took him off-guard.
“I can’t let you in here, sir. This is an active crime scene. Are you lost?”
“Oh, I don’t think I’ve seen you around before, uh…” The man slapped various spots on his coat before locating his badge. He showed it to the officer, identifying himself as “Lieutenant Columbo, homicide.”
“I’m sorry, Lieutenant,” the officer said.
“Ah, that’s okay. I know I don’t look the part. My wife went through a hell of trouble to fill a thermos with hot coffee for me, and like some kook I drove off without it. Speaking of which, you wouldn’t happen to have some coffee on ya, would ya? I can barely keep my head from rolling off and onta the floor.”
The young officer could not resist a chuckle at Columbo’s candor. He replied, “Not really a coffee person, Lieutenant, but I think I saw Sergeant Johnson bring some with him.”
“Sergeant Johnson? He’s here?”
“In the kitchen, I think. That’s the room on the left just past the living room.”
“I thank ya, sir. Enjoy not needing coffee while you can. The beans might start callin’ your name when you get older.”
“I’ll try to remember that, Lieutenant,” smiled the officer.
The lieutenant appeared to hug himself as he walked through the living room, puffing a few times on his cigar. He stopped momentarily to look down at the corpse of a female wolf. There was quite a lot of blood everywhere, especially on the couch. It was a strange thing seeing one of the talking animals like this. It was not really something he had ever had to deal with in the past.
Despite this body being the whole reason for him being there, Columbo passed it by to look for Sergeant Johnson, who was talking to another officer in the kitchen. He was, in fact, holding a thermos. The moment the sergeant saw him coming, he broke off to shake his hand. “Lieutenant Columbo. Good to see you again. Your wife called the office and said you’d be needing this.” He raised the thermos for the lieutenant to take.
Columbo’s dimples turned beet red as he accepted the gift he did not even know was intended for him. “I can’t believe it,” he remarked, unscrewing the cap. “I’m both shocked and embarrassed all at once.”
“And thankful, I’m betting,” said Sergeant Johnson. “You look like you need it.”
“Oh, I’m plenty thankful; let me tell you, buster.” He was already unscrewing the cup from the top and was soon filling it up. “If it wasn’t for my wife, I wouldn’t have even made it as a mailman.” He tested the heat and took a drink.
“It’s black. Hope that’s okay.”
Columbo nodded, looking like he was getting better already.
The two casually traveled back into the living room. Sergeant Johnson explained, “Her name is—or was—Arswind. She was found like this with her husband, named Isengrim, right next to her at about 6:30. He was barely conscious and didn’t seem to know what was going on.”
“Both wolves, I guess?” asked the Lieutenant.
“Yeah. Looks like he came home… maybe angry. They had a fight. He bit her throat out, and she hit him with that lamp in what was probably her last ditch effort to get him to stop. Only in the Animal District; let me tell ya.”
Columbo scratched his chin as he stared at the body. “Well, that sure looks like what happened. Where’s Isen… Isa… the husband at?”
“Isengrim. In custody. No formal charges filed. In fact, I’m not even sure we can charge him. It’s animal on animal crime. This whole thing falls under the jurisdiction of their king.”
“You don’t say,” muttered Columbo, placing the cigar back into his mouth. “Then what the heck are we doing here?”
“Well, that same king has called in a favor.” The sergeant patted Columbo on the shoulder and said, “You work for royalty now, Lieutenant.”
“Yeah?” chuckled Columbo. “I’m not sure that counts as a promotion or not, but I’ll take it. Hey, I’m gonna have a look around if it’s alright with you.”
“Fine by me, Lieutanant. I’ll get everyone out of your way. The king is gonna show up soon to have a talk with you.”
Columbo scratched the back of his head, replying, “Boy, this day looks like it might turn out pretty interesting.” Before Sergeant Johnson could get away, Columbo raised his hand and called out, “Hey, did we get a doc to look at her, or do we need some sorta vet? I dunno how it works.”
Before Johnson could answer, a young bespectacled man with curly hair approached and said, “I’m Larry Carson, Special Veterinarian.” They shook hands.
Columbo looked into the man’s eyes with complete fascination. “Lieutenant Columbo. Special, you say? You mean you handle the smart ones, I take it.”
“So far, I’m the only one,” Larry replied. “I’ve been involved with the Animal District as more of a research project than anything else. But I’ve pretty much been drafted into this whole mess.”
“My condolences, sir. What can you tell me?” Columbo fished around for his notebook and a pencil, which were inconveniently in two different pockets.
“Well, I’d say she died in the early morning hours… 12… possibly 1AM. Cause is pretty obvious.”
“I’m sure it is, but why don’t you tell me anyway, sir?”
“Teeth, lieutenant. Very large teeth, by the looks of it. I’m not a hundred percent sure if it was the husband’s, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was.”
“Just bit down and pulled it out, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“Do me a favor and get me a report of everything you find in the autopsy.”
Larry Carson gulped nervously. “Autopsy… sir?”
Columbo looked up from his notes. “Gonna need an autopsy. You can do that, right?”
Larry squirmed a bit, but he still nodded. “I can… if you think it’s necessary.”
“Might help out. We’ll see.”
Columbo placed the thermos on a table near a mirror and examined the scene more closely. He freely smoked his cigar as he walked around in a hunched over position. Sergeant Johnson returned to see if he needed any assistance.
“Sure is a lot of glass,” remarked Columbo idly.
“Yes,” acknowledged the sergeant. “All from the lamp, we assume.”
“Funny how the glass bits just ended up all over her like that. Was Isengrim taller than she was?”
“Perhaps a few inches, I think. We can find out for you if you like.”
“Yes, I’d appreciate that, Sergeant. Were there also glass shards on top of Isengrim when you found him?”
“Possibly. He was just waking up when we found him, so he had been moving some. I think there were, though.”
“I see. I see.” Columbo pointed at the couch and then to the floor as if attempting to go through the events that led to the crime. This gained some curious looks from both Larry Carson and Sergeant Johnson. Columbo mumbled to himself, “The kill must have happened on the couch. Too much blood there for it to be anywhere else. Could have had a struggle before that.”
Johnson submitted, “Yes, we figured he came home, they had an argument, they fought, and then wrestled down to the couch.”
Columbo did not reply to this. In his hunched position, he pointed clumsily at the body of Arswind and then to the open front door, seeming to think it through. He blinked a few times and his brow furrowed.
“Columbo?” Johnson checked.
Columbo completely ignored the sergeant and walked directly past him, past the young officer, and straight out into the front yard, still pointing his finger the entire way. Once he got to where he wanted, he lowered his pointing finger to a tiny sparkle in the grass. It was a good ten to fifteen feet away from the door. Sergeant Johnson walked out to see what he had found.
Columbo snapped his finger demandingly a few times and said, “Do you have a handkerchief, Sergeant?”
Johnson pulled out a handkerchief and handed it over. The lieutenant carefully used it to pick up a tiny piece of glass. He walked over to the sergeant and showed it to him. “What do you make of this, Sergeant?”
Johnson took it and looked it over. “Looks like the same leopard print the lamp has.”
Columbo looked dumbstruck. “Way out here?”
“Seems like it.”
“Was the door open when the police arrived?”
“Wide open.”
Columbo pulled the cigar out of his mouth and used the same hand to scratch his head. “Imagine that. One piece of glass few all the way out…” He stopped mid-sentence. Columbo began walking back into the house and to the corpse, counting his steps as he went. Johnson followed him. “Ten… twelve… fifteen… twenty-two. Twenty-two? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.” He then called out, “Hey, Larry!”
The special vet dashed over to the lieutenant. “Yes, Lieutenant?
“How strong are female wolves?”
“I’d say fairly strong. She could have given you a run for your money.”
“Wouldn’t take much. Well, let me put it to you this way: Arswind here… She’s having her throat ripped out. In a panic, she grabs the lamp there and swings it as hard as she can, so hard a shard of glass flies clear across the room and maybe ten to fifteen feet out into the front yard. Would she have the strength for that, you think?”
“Hard to say,” muttered Larry. “I don’t know much about physics, but she might have had the strength to do something like that. I don’t know.”
“Could have just been a lucky break,” said Sergeant Johnson.
“Yeah, no kidding,” nodded Columbo. “Hard to believe she was really that strong. My dog back home can barely pick up his own bone.”
The young officer at the door called out, “Lieutenant! King Noble is here! He wants to speak with you personally!”
Columbo gave the officer a friendly salute. “Be right there!” He then tuned to Johnson and asked, “How do I look? Good enough for royalty?”
The sergeant just shrugged and muttered, “Eh.”
Columbo waved him off. “Never mind. Sorry for putting you on the spot.” And off Columbo went to meet with the king of the animals.
Chapter Text
Fineskin the leopard opened the back door of the limousine, allowing the great lion dressed in royal robes to step out onto the front lawn of the Isengrim estate. Also exiting the vehicle was Reynard the fox who stood solemnly just behind His Majesty with his paws pressed together in front of him.
From out of the front door of the house came Columbo. He swaggered swiftly over towards the stately lion. It must have looked somewhat strange seeing such a haggardly-looking gentleman approaching an animal of such royal beauty. Even so, the lion waited for the awkward time it took the policeman to approach.
“Good morning!” called the man as he neared the limousine. “Lieutenant Columbo, Homicide LAPD!”
“King Noble,” replied the lion once Columbo was close enough that he would not have to yell. “King of the animals. This is my valet, Fineskin, and my minister of war, Reynard.”
Columbo’s cigar was still smoking, held between two fingers, but he did not feel right about smoking it in present company. A bit nervously, the man remarked, “You’ll have to forgive me, but it isn’t every day I have the privilege of coming face-to-face with a king like yourself. I wanna make sure I get everything right. I’m supposed to call you Your Highness, right?”
King Noble made a small chuckle and even smiled. He replied, “In verity, the correct term is Your Majesty, but I’d really rather we keep things informal between us, Lieutenant. Please, just address me as King Noble, if you wouldn’t terribly mind.”
Columbo made something of an awkward half-bow, returning, “I’m fine with anything as long as you are, sir.”
King Noble explained, “In case you have not already been informed, I was the one who asked for your help in this matter. As this crime falls under the jurisdiction of the Animal District, it was up to me how to proceed. For reasons that are my own, I have asked the Los Angeles Police for their help in investigating this crime. I do hope you will assist me in this.”
“Well, sir… I mean, King Noble, sir,” fumbled the lieutenant, “you have that right, and I’d be more than happy to lend a hand.”
Here Reynard stepped up to the human and said, “Pardon me, Lieutenant, but I was wondering if I could enter the house in order to pay my respects to the late Arswind.”
Columbo replied, “I’m sorry, but if we’re still in control of the scene, we can’t let anybody in there during the investigation. You can go as far as the police tape, though. I don’t think that’ll bother anybody.”
“That shall be adequate,” bowed the fox. “Thank you very much, Lieutenant.” And so the fox traveled on. Columbo watched him walk away, noting the few red speckles on his tail.
The king, once more, spoke up, “Lieutenant, my valet and counselor Fineskin received an anonymous call early this morning, which tipped us off to the crime.”
Columbo turned to the leopard, silently regarding him for a short time before saying, “I’ll be wanting to have chat with you about that.”
Fineskin said, “I do wish to help you, Lieutenant, but this must not happen in such a public setting. I am presently looking after the king.”
“No, that’s fine. I understand,” said Columbo, waving his cigar hand dismissively. “I don’t want to disrupt any of your duties. I’ll just come by and see you, if that’s fine with you.”
“It is,” nodded Fineskin.
Columbo then turned back to the king and asked, “Can you tell me about your relationship with Isengrim? I’m just trying to get a better picture of everything. I’ve never really dealt with the Animal District before.”
“That’s perfectly fine, Lieutenant,” replied King Noble. “I will do what I can to help educate you. For more years than I can clearly count, Isengrim was one of my most loyal courtiers. I am hard-pressed to understand why he would ever murder his own wife.”
“Did they argue much?” asked the lieutenant.
“No more than any married couple. What relationship has no strife?”
Columbo scratched his head with the same hand that held his cigar. “Well, nobody’s perfect. Me and my wife are always disagreeing about one thing or another.”
“Naturally.”
“I guess I’m just a little confused why you think you need the LAPD in this case,” said Columbo.
“Due to certain aspects of this crime, I would rather the investigation be conducted independent of animal law.”
“I’m more than happy to help–don’t get me wrong, King Noble, sir–but if you could just help me understand something that doesn’t quite make sense to me.”
“What is it, Lieutenant?”
“Do you even think Isengrim was capable of murdering his wife?”
King Noble lowered his head and released a sorrowful sigh. “I have severe doubts that he could have done such a terrible thing, Lieutenant. Isengrim has many times over expressed his sincere love for Arswind, despite a sordid history with Reynard the fox.”
Columbo turned slightly and pointed at the fox standing in front of the police tape. “That Reynard right there?”
“Indeed, Lieutenant,” acknowledged the king. “A long time ago, Isengrim had confronted Reynard over the alleged rape of his wife. It had even devolved into open combat where Reynard was the victor. It was a humiliating defeat, to be sure, but Isengrim has since found his peace in the matter, or so I assumed.”
Columbo gestured towards the king and asked, “Did Reynard actually rape Arswind?”
King Noble merely shrugged and replied, “The matter has been resolved in my royal court. I have nothing more to say on it, Lieutenant.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Since the matter is a closed one, I should speak no more about it. I’d rather move on.”
Although clearly not comfortable with it, Columbo decided to let the issue go.
Just then, a crestfallen Reynard returned. With a sigh of sadness, the fox said, “What an awful thing to happen to such a long-lived member of the king’s court. I always suspected that Isengrim’s temper would get the best of him someday… but this…” The fox paused, pressing a paw to his face in despair. “I shall have to say a prayer for the poor she-wolf in the hopes that her soul might still be delivered unto Heaven.”
Columbo said to the fox, “What do you think Isengrim could have been so angry about?”
“Although I have my suspicions,” replied Reynard, “I do not think that gossip would be very judicious under the present circumstances. I do, however, want to help in any way I can. Arswind was very dear to me. That’s all I feel I can say at this moment.”
Columbo and King Noble shared a brief look in silence before the lieutenant said, “Thank you all for your help. I won’t keep any of you any longer. I’ll come around to talk with Fineskin very soon.”
“Thank you, Lieutenant,” replied King Noble. “I look forward to hearing the results of your investigation. Please keep me apprised of what you find.” And with that, Fineskin assisted his king back into the limousine.
Columbo started to walk away, but he stopped, turned about, and pointed back at Reynard, who was about to enter into the vehicle as well. “Ah, Reynard, one more thing if I could.”
“Yes, Lieutenant?” asked the fox, moderately startled.
“In your own personal opinion, how strong are female wolves?”
Reynard replied, “Well, I don’t believe they would be stronger than a male wolf, but I’d still call them a force to be contended with in a fight.”
“So if Arswind struck someone rather hard over the head with say… a lamp…” Columbo made demonstrative motions with his hands as he said this. “She could smash it pretty handily, you think?”
“Yes, I think she could. Arswind was a very strong woman, Lieutenant.”
“I’m sure she was. Thank you.” Columbo turned away.
Reynard smiled slightly before turning back to the open door that Fineskin was still holding open, however Columbo once again turned abruptly and said, “Oh, I’m terribly sorry. Just one tiny thing. I just noticed something, and it was making me curious. Were you recently hurt or injured?”
Reynard went wide-eyed briefly. “Pardon me, Lieutenant, but what brought on this question?”
“I know it’s probably none of my business, but I just happen to notice there are little specks of red on your tail.”
Reynard swished his tail into his visual range, inspecting it as best he could.
Columbo added, “I just can’t help but notice little things like that. I know it’s probably none of my business.”
“It’s quite all right, Lieutenant Columbo,” said the fox with a smile. “I can assure you that the blood is my own. It’s something of a private matter between me and my lawyer, Grimbart the badger. Perhaps we can discuss it some other time. I don’t want to keep His Majesty waiting.”
Columbo smiled and stared at the fox silently for a short time before saying, “Maybe we will, sir. I won’t keep you any longer.” The man then turned and entered the house again.
Reynard watched him briefly before getting back into the limousine. Fineskin finally closed the door, and they all left the estate.
Chapter Text
In a lonely holding cell down at the Los Angeles Police Station, Isengrim was sitting on a bench adjacent to a toilet and a bed. His head was bandaged with only his ears poking out between the rows of medical tape. He stared forward at nothing, looking for nothing, and likely expecting nothing. He had been sitting in this manner for several hours.
A door squeaked open outside of the cell. Isengrin lifted his head slowly to witness a gentleman he had never seen before during the process of his incarceration. At first, the man seemed as if he was a lost civilian, and as that was not any of Isengrim’s business, he said nothing to him.
However, the man did not simply go away. He stood there outside of the bars for a short time, regarding the wounded wolf. He could not tell if the man was smiling, smirking, or if that was just some sort of queer resting face being exhibited. The whole look of this man’s stare boggled his mind, although in truth he really did not care that much considering his present situation.
“Lieutenant Columbo, LAPD homicide,” the man introduced himself. “I’m just here to ask you a few questions.”
“Oh,” was all Isengrim said in return. He was beginning to care even less.
The human held up a key for the wolf to see. He said nothing, but simply showed it to him. A moment later, the man proceeded to unlock the cell door and make his way inside. He left the door slightly open, which confounded the wolf as to the policeman’s motives. Even so, the wolf merely looked up into his eyes in silence.
Standing before Isengrim, Columbo finally asked, “How’ve you been doing since they released you from the animal hospital?”
“Truthfully, Lieutenant? More miserable than I have ever been within the whole of my life.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, sir.”
“As a matter of surprising fact,” continued the wolf, “I have even been contemplating taking my own life.”
Columbo reached into his coat, shaking his head gravely. “Oh, I’d really advice against such an awful thing, sir.” He checked a different pocket and then another, finally finding the green-wrapped cigar he had been searching for. “In my line of work, I see enough death. No point in adding one more to the count.”
“You’re probably right,” said the wolf softly. “And yet… the feeling is still there.”
The lieutenant reached into his pocket and pulled out a book of matches. Silently, he stuck one and lit his cigar before continuing his interview. “Sir, I understand that the situation is fairly dire, but I just need to hear your side of the story. Can I get you anything? Cigarette? Water? Anything?”
Isengrim shook his head in crestfallen silence.
Columbo pocketed his book of matches and made a new search for his notepad and pencil, finding them after a few moments. “So, what can you tell me?”
After a long sigh, the wolf replied, “I know how it all looked, Lieutenant. From a sane man’s point-of-view, I am clearly the murderer. Be that as it may, I have absolutely no memory of the event.”
“Nothing at all?” checked Columbo.
Isengrim took a moment to remember. He closed his eyes and made a light growl in his throat. Reopening his eyes, the wolf replied, “I was coming home after a terrible night at the casino. Humans were giving my staff problems, and I had to settle the issue. I drove home in a rotten mood. I remember getting out of my car… and then… nothing. I remember nothing until I woke up with a splitting headache… with a policeman helping me to my feet. My wife was… She was… dead. They muzzled me.”
“Standard procedure for animals, I’m afraid,” remarked Columbo. “I’m sorry for the indignity, sir.”
“It’s fine,” grumbled Isengrim.
“Anything before your shift at the casino?” asked the policeman.
“I was with my wife at a party hosted by King Noble, and—before you ask—we were not arguing or anything. She was feeling a little out of sorts. I ended up taking her home after she got some air. Nothing happened.”
“Thank you, sir,” said Columbo as he took down some notes. “I’m sorry I have to ask you about all this stuff. I know it’s probably pretty hard for you.”
“I understand, Lieutenant. I have nothing to hide.”
“You don’t think you killed her?” asked Columbo.
“I don’t remember anything after getting out of my car, Lieutenant… but I will say this: I truly loved my wife… and I have never in my long life wanted her to die.”
“I understand,” nodded Columbo. “Now, I know this may be difficult, sir, but just bear with me. Did Reynard have a history with your wife?”
“Reynard the fox,” muttered the wolf bitterly. “Yes. Not in recent years, but a long time ago he did. He raped her. He gained her trust and then took advantage of the situation that he created. I fought him over it, but he proved too wily for me.
“I was humiliated. I was too ashamed to even face her again… but… she took me back. No, she convinced me that our love was strong enough to overcome any sort of adversity. We worked through it… together… although it was difficult.” Isengrim gazed up at Columbo and asked, “Does Reynard have anything to do with what happened?”
“I can’t say I’m sure about that, sir,” replied the Lieutenant evasively as he smoked his cigar.
Isengrim continued to talk, “There has always been a blood feud between Reynard and I. When we fought… he bit out my eye.”
“Your eye, sir?” Columbo crouched down to get a better look. Isengrim appeared to have both eyes intact.
The wolf explained, “One of them is fabricated. I was only able to afford it due to my success in the casino industry.”
“Looks pretty good to me,” said Columbo with a smile.
Unamused by Columbo’s compliment, the wolf went on, “I do not suspect that Reynard would have had what it took to murder my wife, but it does not matter anyhow, since I am clearly the prime suspect.”
Columbo pulled the cigar out of his mouth and returned, “Everyone is a suspect until there is enough evidence to convict. I’m just trying to cover all my bases.”
“But all the evidence points to me,” grumbled Isengrim.
“Oh, there’s no doubt that a lot of it does, sir. But I’m not fully convinced of anything yet.”
“You suspect Reynard may be involved?”
“Well, if I could be honest, sir, I’m a little confused as to why King Noble isn’t too keen on discussing Reynard and your wife. I tried to push it, but he blew me off. Things like that bother me, ya know? They roll around in my head, and if I don’t do something about it, I end up having trouble sleeping at night. I just don’t understand how these walking-talking animals work. No offence, of course.”
“None taken, Lieutenant,” replied the wolf stoically. “Well, if the king has nothing to say about it, then it’s probably a political decision. That explains why I’m being held by humans, now that I think of it.”
Columbo pointed at Isengrim with his cigar hand. “Bingo.”
“I’ll say this then: If you want to know more about Reynard, you should talk to someone who knows him like I do. Look up Bruin the bear. He does construction work within the Animal District. He was also with me at the party I mentioned earlier. The bear should not be hard to find. I hear he is always out and about, trying to pay off his plastic surgery debts.”
Columbo put the cigar back into his mouth and jotted down the name. “I’ll pay him a visit, sir.”
There was a long pause as the two regarded each other. Isengrim rubbed his muzzle with a trembling paw. Soon the wolf looked up and said, “Lieutenant, when I woke up this morning, I could taste the blood of my own wife on my tongue. It was the most horrifying feeling I have ever had in my life. As it stands right now, I do not really care what happens to me beyond this point.”
Columbo made no comment about any of this. He merely listened solemnly as he smoked his cigar. When Isengrim went silent again, Columbo said, “Just stay put, sir. We’ll see how things go.”
The wolf replied, “I do not care to be anywhere but where I am, Lieutenant.”
Columbo pursed his lips and nodded. He exited the cell, closing and locking it back up. He turned to leave, but stopped in his tracks. The man spun around slowly on his heel, appearing so uncomfortable that he could not look the wolf directly in the eyes. “Sir, I got to ask you one more thing before I go. It’s not a very friendly question, but I just can’t leave without asking it.”
“Go ahead, Lieutenant,” said Isengrim coldly.
“Is there any possible way that your wife… and Reynard may have been in some sort of… secret relationship?”
Isengrim’s eyes grew angry.
Columbo added, “I know he raped her, but sometimes things like that can develop into strange feelings over time. I know a few cases.”
It was very clear that the wolf was angry, but he was doing everything he could to keep that anger at bay. Taking the time he needed to calm himself down, Isengrim replied through his teeth, “My wife… as far as I am aware… has always remained true… to me.”
Columbo held up a hand of surrender. “My apologies, sir. Have a good night.” The interview concluded, Columbo left the wolf alone inside his cell.
Chapter Text
It was around noon on the same day. Lieutenant Columbo pulled his car up to one of the many houses within the Animal District. There were several vans parked in the street, and it was clear that the house was presently being worked on by a construction crew.
Once Columbo exited his car, he raised his hand to his eyes to shield them from the sunlight. There were animals all over the house, and so many species as well. An antelope nearly swung a two-by-four into the policeman as he was walking by. Columbo ducked just in time to avoid getting hit.
“Oh, sorry, mac,” called the antelope. “Didn’t see you there!”
“That’s all right,” returned Columbo. “I shouldn’t be in the way of what you’re doing. Hey, if you wouldn’t mind… I’m looking for someone.” But the antelope had already walked away, too busy to listen to the human.
The lieutenant scratched his head with his cigar hand. He really did feel out of his element with all the animals roaming about.
Placing the cigar into his mouth, he ran towards the house, roaming from animal to animal, trying to get their attention. “Hey, I’m looking for a bear. Names Bruin. You seen him around here?”
“He’s probably somewhere,” replied a tiger who was carrying away a heavy-looking bucket.
“Well, I figured that, but…” Columbo sighed with frustration before running over to another animal. “Sir! Sir!”
A donkey wielding a nail gun stopped and looked at the human like he was crazy. “What the heck? You lost or something? Get out of here! You’re gonna get yourself hurt, man.”
Columbo made a point of flashing the donkey his badge, which only made the animal look at him all the queerer. “Hey, this ain’t about the whole Arswind thing, is it? ‘Cause I wasn’t nowhere near that place. Don’t even know where it is anyhow.”
Columbo held up his hands in a surrendering gesture. “Just relax, sir. I’m here to have a chat with a bear by the name of Bruin. Maybe you’ve heard of him?”
“Oh, yeah. He’s up on the roof, man. If you walk over there, you’ll probably see him, but I gotta get to where I’m going. We’re all crazy busy, man.”
“That’s fine,” replied Columbo. “Thanks for your help.”
“Yeah, just watch yourself, man.” And then he wandered off.
Columbo jogged over to where the donkey had indicated. Shielding his eyes again, he peered up towards the roof and indeed saw a large bear hammering away and pretty focused on the task as well.
The lieutenant waved his hands and called out, “Hey! Hey, Bruin! Down here!”
The bear appeared to ignore the summons at first, but when Columbo continued, Bruin looked up. When the bear turned to peer over the side of the roof, his legs slipped on the slanted surface. Bruin cried out as he nearly fell to his death, just barely catching onto the side in time.
Absolutely aghast that he had caused something like this, Columbo began calling for the other animals to help him. “Hey, he’s about to fall! Get him a ladder or something!” Quickly, the animals were running over to his aid. A cheetah carried over a ladder, propping it up to allow the bear to descend safely.
Columbo breathed a sigh of relief. “Boy, that was a close one,” he said to himself.
A nearby otter who heard him remarked as he passed by, “Don’t worry about it. It happens like twice a week.”
Once Bruin was safely on the ground, he spent a few moments gasping for air while all the other animals went back to work. Columbo cautiously edged up to him and asked, “Are you Bruin?”
“What?!” roared the bear angrily.
Columbo took a few steps back, quickly reaching for his badge.
Bruin was still too flustered to understand. “What the fuck is that?! Who are you?!”
“Lieutenant Columbo. Homicide. I’m really sorry for distracting you, sir.”
“Homicide?” growled the bear. “Who the fuck was murdered?”
“It was Arswind, sir. She was murdered last night. I just need to ask you a few questions since you were with her and Isengrim earlier that night.”
Bruin stared closely at the policeman’s badge, as if he was having trouble reading it. Finally convinced, the bear just let out a miserable growl. “Bah, Isengrim. Never did like the guy. He fucking gypped me on a contract job for his casino.”
Columbo put his badge away and pulled out his notepad and pencil. “I’m sorry to hear that, sir.”
“Nah, it was a fair deal, but it just left a bad taste in my mouth. I got bills to pay, you know? I’m just so fucking tired of being in debt.”
Columbo clasped his hands together into something that resembled a praying gesture while still holding the notepad and pen. “Sir, I’m just curious if you remember anything significant about that party you were at.”
“Nah, we didn’t talk much. I mentioned the whole casino gig, but it didn’t really go anywhere. Who killed his wife?”
Columbo took a moment to frame up his answer. “Well, sir, the evidence is leaning towards Isengrim right now.”
The bear appeared shocked. “Isengrim? Kill his wife?” The bear pondered this for a few moments. “No, that’s impossible. He’d never kill her for anything. Those two were inseparable.” The bear then wagged a finger at the lieutenant. “But I bet you my fur that Reynard probably did it!”
“Now why would you think that, sir?” asked Columbo.
Suddenly in a rage, Bruin snapped, “Because Reynard is a lying asshole who raped Isengrim’s wife! That’s why! The only reason the little bastard isn’t dead is because the king is all sweetheart on him!”
“That’s a bold claim, sir,” said Columbo cautiously. “Even if Reynard did rape Isengrim’s wife, that doesn’t mean that he killed her last night.”
“He would though,” grumbled the bear.
“Did you hear anything about them meeting one another, perhaps at the party?”
“No, I never heard anything like that, but I just hate Reynard. You don’t understand him like I do. I don’t know any other animal who would have done something like that. It was Reynard; you can bet your bottom dollar on it.
“And I’ll tell you another thing: Did you know that bastard of a fox once tricked me into sticking my head into a bee’s hive?”
“Uh, no, sir, but—.”
“He sure as hell did!” roared the bear. “Lost nearly every bit of my skin and fur. Damn near died from blood loss. I’ve had to spend a fortune on plastic surgery just to get back to fucking normal. Isengrim and Arswind did as well, but it was nowhere as bad as me. Now I’m forced to live in poverty while I work this never-ending construction gig, just trying to pay off my massive medical bills!”
“I’m sorry for disturbing you, sir,” said Columbo, politely backing away. “I’ll let you get back to what you’re doing.”
But before the lieutenant could get away, Bruin grabbed the man’s arm with his large paw. “I’m sure it was Reynard who did it,” said the bear with wide, angry eyes. “You should just arrest him and get it over with. The sooner he’s out of the picture, the sooner the world will seem a hell of a lot nicer.”
“Well, sir, I can’t just—.”
“And let me tell you another thing,” went on the bear. “That fucking fox is always hiding behind that badger, Grimbart who thinks he’s a priest.”
“Uh, I was told that Grimbart was Reynard’s lawyer.”
Bruin released the human and waved him off as he walked away. “What’s the fucking difference?! I gotta go back to work!”
Columbo stayed where he was, watching as Bruin made his way back to the ladder. The big bear angrily climbed back up, almost falling a few times. Letting out a reflective sigh, the lieutenant returned to his car.
Chapter Text
Columbo was very impressed with the luxurious estate of King Noble. Everything was very well decorated with various sculptures, paintings, and expensive furniture. Most everything there was animal themed. Although he was there to meet with Fineskin the leopard, the lieutenant could not help but look around at all the interesting things in the lobby.
A door opened. Reynard and Grimbart entered into the room only to catch Columbo leaning over sideways to view a few feline statuettes. The badger cleared his throat, getting the human’s attention. Staying in the same position, the lieutenant merely turned his head towards them. He pointed at one of the statues, asking, “How much is something like this worth?”
“Fifteenth century France, if I’m not mistaken,” replied Reynard, walking up to him. “It could perhaps go for several million dollars if put up for auction… but to Fineskin, it is most likely priceless.”
Columbo smiled and righted himself. His cigar was presently held between a finger and thumb. “A great many things in this world are,” he returned.
Reynard nodded, looking up at the taller human.
The fox gestured toward the badger with him, saying, “This is Grimbart, Lieutenant, my lawyer and friend. You may find that we are often seen together quite often.”
Columbo nodded politely to the badger. “I’ve heard of you. Pleased to finally meet you, sir.”
“The pleasure’s all mine,” replied Grimbart. “We were merely here to discuss the loss of Arswind and the legal realities that come with it. As Arswind and I were both members of the high court, it was important for me to be here. I apologize if we are getting in the way of your…” He gestured towards the statuette, “…your investigation.”
Columbo held his cigar as he shook his head. “No harm done. I’m not bothered by it.”
“If I might interject, Lieutenant,” spoke up Reynard, “I was wondering how your investigation is coming along. I wager it must be a fairly easy one, considering the circumstances.”
Columbo lowered his head in a humble manner. “Well, I’d love to tell you that, sir, but things haven’t been as easy as I’ve expected. There have been a lot of loose ends I’ve been trying to tie up.”
“Loose ends, Lieutenant?” queried the fox curiously.
“Oh, you know how it is with police work. There’s always these loose ends, and if you don’t take care of them, the people upstairs tend to give me the eye. Besides, I like to be as thorough as I can be just to make everyone happy; know what I mean?”
Reynard appeared concerned. “The simplest answers are usually the correct ones, aren’t they?”
Columbo chuckled with a nod. “Oh, I’m no stranger to overthinking, sir. My wife has gotten on my case about that more times than I can count. The only problem is that I’m a hopeless case.”
Grimbart then asked, “I suppose this is none of my business, but why exactly are you here?”
“To see Fineskin,” replied Columbo.
“You had an appointment to see the king’s valet?”
“Well, nothing official,” replied the lieutenant. “We met earlier in the day. Was I supposed to make one?”
Reynard asked, “You just showed up and started walking around? How very queer. But I don’t suppose you’d be unwelcome.”
Columbo blushed. “Actually, I had intended to go see him directly, but I got caught up with all the knickknacks lying around in this room.”
Grimbart added, “I see. Well, Fineskin is resting in the smoking room. You’re welcome to go see him now that we’re through.”
“I appreciate that,” said Columbo, gesturing politely with his cigar as he walked past the two. But before he got to the door to the smoking room, the lieutenant stopped and turned around. “Ah, before you both go… Reynard, you did say you would explain the situation with your tail. I mentioned it when we first met, if you remember that.”
Grimbart side-glanced the fox, muttering, “What is he—.”
But Reynard interrupted him, replying to the policeman, “Yes, the blood on my tail. You are right to bring that up again. The truth, Lieutenant, has to do with my very sincere beliefs as a Christian. On a weekly basis, I visit my friend Grimbart who applies upon me a penance for my sins. It was, in this case, a rather painful penance administered by way of a fire poker. My friend was perhaps a bit too eager to cleanse me of my sin and mistakenly drew blood.
“The whole thing happened at Grimbart’s house, so there is probably evidence of it there.”
Columbo said nothing, but merely looked directly at the badger. Grimbart, now somewhat uncomfortable, remarked, “I have always been one to keep my friend’s morality in check.”
Reynard added to this, “I tend to go very hard on myself in the name of religion. The king demands that all animals be good Christians and serve the Lord.”
“Well, I’ll be,” muttered Columbo with a smile. “It sounds to me like you animals have this whole morality business wrapped up nice and tight. A poker, huh?”
“Indeed,” replied Grimbart. “Although such things really are not the business of outsiders.”
Columbo held up his hands in surrender. “Oh, I’m not here to judge… but just so I’m clear on everything… this penance you underwent… when exactly did it happen?”
Reynard tapped his muzzle thoughtfully. “Let’s see. I left home around 9PM yesterday. We played at cards till well after midnight, I’d say. We usually perform the penance sometime around midnight, don’t we, Grimbart?”
“Usually, yes,” replied the badger sternly.
“I see,” returned Columbo. “Thank you.”
Reynard added before Columbo could turn away. “Might we have dinner sometime, Lieutenant? I’m very interested in how the investigation is going. At the very least, we might take it as an opportunity to teach you more about how the Animal District is operated.”
Columbo smiled and nodded. “I think I would like that very much. If you’ll both excuse me.”
“Of course,” said both Reynard and Grimbart. Columbo proceeded into the next room, leaving them alone.
“What an interesting man,” muttered the fox pensively.
Grimbart leaned over to his friend and said, “He is taking much too long to wrap up this case, Reynard. It isn’t going the way you thought it would. We did not know that King Noble was going to bring the humans in on this.”
But Reynard looked on in wonder in the direction that Columbo had left. Softly he said, “You’re right, Grimbart, but I’m not terribly worried about it. It all comes down to saying the right things at the right time. Lieutenant Columbo will prove to be just as fallible as any human man. You’ll see.”
The badger groaned and returned, “I hope you’re right… for your sake.”
Reynard shrugged, chuckled to himself, and left the estate, with his friend following closely behind.
Chapter Text
Fineskin the leopard was standing next to a window, smoking a cigarette within a holder. Lieutenant Columbo stepped halfway through an open door nearby, knocking softly.
The leopard nodded and said, “Come in, Lieutenant.”
“Thank you, sir,” replied the man, stepping in and closing the door behind him.
The room was lavishly decorated, much like the lobby had been. It was a very comfortable-looking room, with several chairs and a couch. Columbo took a moment to simply enjoy how everything looked. “My, my. You animals sure do know how to live.”
Fineskin placed the tip of the cigarette holder between his teeth and replied, “I owe such luxuries to His Majesty and the Lord God. On that note, the King apologizes for not being here. He had a previous engagement at precisely the time you were intended to arrive.”
Columbo gestured with his cigar, which was beginning to form an overabundance of ash on the tip. “I thought he might. I suppose he didn’t need you for that previous engagement.”
“That is correct, Lieutenant. Besides, I wanted to make myself available for you.”
“I appreciate that. I’m sure being a king’s valet must have its ups and downs.”
“Of course, it does, Lieutenant. Also, you appear to require an ashtray. There’s one right over there.”
Columbo saw the freestanding ashtray and happily nodded to the leopard as he walked over to it. “Just what I need. Thanks a bunch.”
Fineskin slowly approached the policeman, taking the cigarette out of his maw. While the lieutenant discarded his ash, the large feline asked, “Was it really necessary to leave my front door unlocked, Lieutenant? There are servants here who would be more than happy to let you in.”
Columbo was presently fascinated by the freestanding ashtray, although he still replied, “Yes, it was, sir. I appreciate you letting me walk in like that.”
“How very strange,” remarked the leopard.
“You know, I always thought it would be nice to have one of these things back home. Just a freestanding ashtray for visitors and whatnot. This one is really nice, I gotta say. And it even has the little doors on it to keep the smoke from coming out. How much did this set you back?”
“That particular ashtray was a gift from Isengrim after he had made his first successful venture into the casino business.”
Columbo righted himself with a look of wonder, turning back to the leopard. “You don’t say. Isengrim gave this to you?”
“Yes, and I should think that it must be worth something considerable. The tray itself is pure gold.”
“Imagine that,” chuckled Columbo. “Gold for your ashes. Kind of makes you wonder.”
Fineskin gazed into the eyes of the human. He smiled, placing the tip of the cigarette holder back into his maw. “Can I get you a drink, Lieutenant?”
Columbo held up a hand. “No, thank you. I don’t plan on staying very long.”
“Very well. Then do me the honor of having a seat with me. I am at your disposal.”
Columbo nodded, and they both sat down in two padded chairs. Fineskin slipped his tail through a hole in the back, letting it lie down comfortably behind him.
Placing the cigar in his mouth, Columbo took a few moments to get his notebook and pencil out, and then he began, “You said you received a call, tipping you off about the murder?”
Fineskin nodded. “Yes, I’ll tell you everything I know. The call came in early Saturday morning. The precise time was 6:46. The voice I heard told me a murder had taken place at the Isengrim estate, and then the line was immediately cut before I could say anything.”
“Any idea who that voice might have belonged to?” asked Columbo.
“I have a hunch who it might have been, but I cannot be completely sure. It all happened so quickly, and I was half asleep.”
“Well, if you could, sir, I’d like to hear what you think, regardless.”
The leopard nodded. “It sounded a bit like Lapreel. He’s a rabbit who shares a frequent audience within the court of King Noble.”
“Why do you think it was Lapreel?” asked the human.
“It would make sense for it to be Lapreel. He runs a pick-up laundry business within the Animal District of LA. He’s a one-eared rabbit, and very timid by nature. He has a sort of wobble or fluctuation to his voice that is very distinct, especially to a predator like myself.”
“I see. I see.” Columbo took a moment to write down his notes. “Do you personally know if Lapreel had Isemgrim or Awrswin on his laundry list?”
“No, Lieutenant, but the chances are very high. Lapreel has done laundry work for many of the courtiers of King Noble. He very well could have shown up to collect the laundry and simply stumbled over the scene. That is just speculation, Lieutenant.”
“Uh huh,” muttered Columbo, jotting stuff down. “Do you have the rabbit’s address?”
Fineskin pushed himself up as he replied, “Yes, I believe I have his business on record. One moment.” The leopard went over to an old desk and slid open one of its drawers. After a few moments, he came back with a folder. “This should have what you need.”
Columbo took the folder. “May I take this with me?”
“Of course. Bring it back whenever you like.”
“Thank you, sir,” said Columbo, standing back up. “There’s something else I wanted to ask you about.”
“Go on.”
“It has to do with Arswind and a little piece of glass.” Columbo rubbed his head as he looked at the feline. “This little detail has really been on my mind. The running theory is that, in self-defense, Arswind struck Isengrim so hard with the lamp that a piece of glass from the lampshade went flying out the open door, landing it a good ten to fifteen feet on the grass. But in order for it to even get to the door, it had to travel another fifteen feet.”
“That is an incredible thing to happen,” said Fineskin. “But what is your question, Lieutenant?”
“I’m just wondering how strong this female wolf was. Remember that she might have been having her throat torn out when she hit him with the lamp.”
Fineskin removed the cigarette from his mouth and took a moment to contemplate the issue. “Lieutenant, I don’t claim to know much about wolf physiology. I will say, however, that I knew Arswind to be a strong woman with good moral convictions. She was a Christian and a loyal servant of King Noble for more years than countable. I also feel that if she had really been strong enough to hit Isengrim as hard as it seems, wouldn’t it have been enough to kill him?”
“The animal hospital said that it almost did,” replied Columbo. “Still, it’s hard to say.” He scratched his head with cigar still in hand. “Things like this really bother me. I get why the door was open. If Isengrim came home in a bad mood, he would have never bothered to close it when they got into a fight, but that piece of glass really had to travel far to get where it was. I should probably just let it go, but it just keeps nagging at me.”
Fineskin smiled and nodded. “I am quite happy not to be in your shoes, Lieutenant.”
Columbo chuckled. “It is what it is. My wife is always telling me to relax–read a book, watch a movie–you know what I mean? But sometimes I just get stuck. And that’s where I am right now: just stuck.” He slapped his hands at his sides. “Either way, thanks for seeing me. I won’t bother you no more.”
“It’s been a pleasure, Lieutenant. Best wishes on your investigation.”
Columbo turned and waved as he walked off. “I appreciate that.” Columbo opened the door, put one foot outside, but then he stopped and turned back to Fineskin. “Oh, I’m sorry. Just one more thing if I could. I also wanted to ask you about Reynard.”
“What about him, Lieutenant?” asked the leopard as he put out his cigarette.
“You know, I just ran into him before I came in here, so I should have had him in mind. Anyway, I wanted to know if you might have been aware of any relationship he might have had with Arswind recently.”
“Interesting,” muttered the feline with a grin. “Well, Lieutenant, I know of nothing concrete, and I dislike gossip. However, since you are going to be checking in on Lapreel, you might ask him. After all, he tends to be all over the place. He might have heard something.”
“Um… yeah,” nodded the policeman. “And did you have any opinions on those rape allegations?”
Fineskin’s smile went away suddenly. He sternly looked at the lieutenant and replied, “The incident you are referring to is the stuff of the past. It has been ruled as irrelevant by the King himself, and I shan’t be speaking on it with you.”
“Any reason why?” asked Columbo, unfazed.
“Nobody is supposed to speak on closed matters once they are put to rest. It would mean going against His Majesty’s wishes, and to go against his wishes is to go against the one appointed by God.”
“I meant no offense,” said Columbo, holding up a hand. “Animal politics are very strange to me.”
The feline smiled again and said, “Quite all right, Lieutenant. Thank you for stopping by. I enjoyed your company.”
Making a small wave, Columbo replied, “Thanks for your assistance. I’ll see myself out.” And then he was gone.
Fineskin returned to the window, looking out. A secret door suddenly slid open in the wall. The leopard glanced over to King Noble, who stepped out into the room. The two large felines silently regarded one another.
Chapter Text
Later that evening, Columbo calmly stepped inside a dimly lit restaurant within the Animal District. He froze when he saw all the animals gathered together at various tables. Many of them were tearing at what looked like raw meat. Some were being polite, but others were being quite vicious and messy.
A black panther dressed in a suit and tie cleared his throat, gaining the human’s still-shocked attention. In a deep, purring voice, the feline spoke, “Pardon me, sir, but you seem to be lost.”
Still somewhat frozen, Columbo looked at all the ripping and tearing happening in the restaurant and then back at the panther, who was stoically regarding him with steady eyes. The man only managed to stutter out, “No… I… What I mean to say is… This is The Dark Den, isn’t it?”
“Indeed, it is,” replied the panther. “I don’t suppose you have a reservation? We don’t normally serve humans here.”
A familiar voice called out from within the restaurant, “Columbo! Welcome!” It was Reynard the fox. “Thank you, Midnight. He is with me this evening!”
The panther raised his head in respect to the fox, straitening. “Very good, Master Reynard. I was unaware that your guest would be… a human.”
“Quite all right, Midnight.” Reynard chuckled, giving Columbo a wink. “Fancy joining me, Lieutenant?”
Throughout this brief dialog, Columbo had still been quite frozen. The cultural differences were coming at him quickly, but upon Reynard’s request, he promptly smiled and replied, “Yes, I think I would.” As he followed the fox, he added, “But I’m not sure if… What I mean to say is, sir… Is everything here served raw?”
Reynard chuckled as he sat down at a table. “Oh, have a seat, Lieutenant. I thought this might be a bit shocking for you. However, you have nothing to worry about.”
Columbo sat down across from Reynard. A menu was already available. He placed his cigar into his mouth and looked at it. “I mean, I guess I shouldn’t worry if you say so, but for a minute there I thought I was about to be on this here menu.”
“Nothing of the sort,” chuckled the fox. “Some animals prefer their food raw, and I am sad to say that it often brings out the worst in them. Shameful really. I always do try to practice good manners at the table, but my example is not often taken by other predators.”
“I suppose this place only caters to predators, huh?”
“Yes. Meat-eaters exclusively,” grinned the fox. “As I recall, humans are omnivores, so you have every right to be here as any of us.”
Columbo closed his menu and patted his belly. “Well, I appreciate the sentiment, but I don’t think I could… er… stomach a raw steak right about now.”
“Don’t be silly, Lieutenant,” returned Reynard. “The chefs will be more than happy to cook your food as much as you like.”
“Well, sir, I think—if it’s all the same to you—I think I’ll just take a pass.”
“Are you sure?” The fox looked somewhat concerned. “I’m more than willing to deal with the bill myself. You seem to have been having a terrible time with this investigation. I only wanted to help.”
“Well, maybe you can help,” said Columbo, tapping some ashes out onto a nearby ashtray. “I keep finding a whole lot of knots in this case, and I’m having a hell of a time trying to pull them apart.”
Reynard still looked at the policeman with concern. A weasel showed up to take their order. The fox politely held up his hand and said, “I’m so sorry, but it will have to wait. I’ll call when I am ready.” The waiter nodded and left them alone.
“Oh, you could have ordered,” said Columbo.
“No, Lieutenant. I am well-known here. I’d rather focus on you right now. Besides, you would not be comfortable with what I would have ordered.”
Columbo went wide-eyed for a moment. “Well, you’re probably right about that, sir.”
“Ask me anything, Lieutenant. I am at your disposal.”
“All right. The question is about you, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course, by all means.”
“Can you tell me about your relationship with King Noble?”
Reynard smiled and rubbed his nose for a moment with his paw. “Oh, we work very well together, I’d say. There is no one in all the court of the king who is more loyal to His Majesty than I. I have served as his minister of war for years uncountable.
“Our alliance is so great, in fact, that His Majesty gifted me my great estate of Wickedhole, where I presently reside with my beautiful wife and three children. It is a far cry from the dirty underground burrow that once held the same name.”
“Wickedhole?” asked Columbo with some surprise. “That’s an interesting name.”
With a casual gesture of his paw, Reynard pointed out, “Many archaic names came bundled with dark contexts. They are simply names, however.”
Columbo nodded and said, “From the few conversations I’ve had with animals, it sometimes feels like I am talking to people who have been alive for centuries.”
Reynard was unfazed. “Perhaps we have. However, Lieutenant, that does not make us any less mortal. Poor Arswind learned this the hard way. And I don’t want to turn this pleasant evening with you sour, but I am quite surprised by how long this investigation is taking. Fineskin informed me that you did not seem even close to finished.”
Columbo suddenly became stern. “There are just some things that don’t add up, sir. I know you and all the animals of the court want to see justice prevail, but I’m just not satisfied with the details, as I’ve seen them so far.”
“But it all seemed so clear, Lieutenant,” said Reynard. “Might it have something to do with your understanding of animal culture? You looked so incredibly lost when I saw you walk into this predator’s restaurant.”
Columbo smiled and even chuckled for a moment. He placed the cigar in his mouth and wrapped his arms around himself. “Well, you got me there, sir. I have been pretty confused about how you animals work. The walking/talking types just have me baffled. You know, I got a dog at home who won’t say even two words to me. All he ever does is bark, and that don’t mean nothin’.”
“Charming,” giggled the fox.
“But the simple truth of it is,” continued the human, “that I don’t really think Isengrim had what it took to kill his wife.”
“I see,” said the fox solemnly. “I don’t suppose you know anyone else who might have a motive.”
Columbo half grinned as he stared at the fox. “Well, I’m still working that out. It’s kind of why I’m here.”
Reynard nodded and patted the table softly, replying, “I will tell you all I know. I cared deeply for Arswind. I want her murderer brought to justice, whoever it might be.”
Columbo reached from pocket to pocket, trying to find his notepad and pencil. “Listen, I don’t want to put you on the spot, but I gotta follow my guts on these things. That whole thing about Grimbart being your priest really confused me.”
“How so, Lieutenant?” asked Reynard. “Everyone needs a confidant to confess to when one’s soul is tortured by original sin.”
“Why not just visit a Catholic confessional?”
“Would if I could. They do not allow animals within the church.”
“Not even the talking ones?”
“Just so. The practice was banned centuries ago. What am I to do? I have since adapted to such things through the use of a lawyer, and if you cannot trust your own lawyer, who can you trust?”
Columbo nodded slowly, puffing out a few plumes of smoke. “I gotta say, sir, that the way you animals do things really knocks me for a loop. My wife keeps asking me about you guys, and I don’t even know what to tell her half the time.”
Reynard shrugged. “I believe there have been a few books written if you were ever curious. We have been well established in California for a good while now.”
Columbo tapped the table and said, “That might not be a bad idea. I think half the problems have to do with me not getting how everything works around here. You may have been right about that after all.”
“Of course, Lieutenant. And you might also consider something about predators as well. You see, we are very impulsive when it comes to meat and murder. All it takes is one moment of anger… and then who knows what will happen? A fairly benign individual like Isengrin, or even myself, could become very dangerous if caught off guard in just the right way.”
Columbo sighed and nodded. “Oh, there’s no doubt that things are all leading in the direction of Isengrim, and I think I know what you’re trying to suggest.” He then leaned over and stared at the fox as he tapped his own head. “But this old brain just isn’t convinced yet… and until it is… I have to keep trying to figure it out.”
The fox gazed back into the human’s eyes with wonder. “I admire your thoroughness, Lieutenant.”
The human leaned back. “Nah, it’s more of a curse than anything. In fact, you’re probably right about Isengrim. He probably just came home in a terrible mood, and she just said something that set him off. It’s probably just as clear as day, but I’m too busy getting caught up in all the little details to see it. Story of my life.” Columbo got up from the table as the fox silently watched him. “I’m sorry, sir, but I think I should just head on my way. Some of the things I’m seeing in this place are a little more than I like to look at. No offense.”
“None taken,” said Reynard, keeping his seat. “Best wishes on the investigation. Come talk to me anytime. I very much like you, Lieutenant Columbo.”
Columbo smiled and blushed so much that his dimples turned beet red. “I really do appreciate that. I’ll leave you alone, though. Have a good meal.”
“I shall.”
But Columbo did not make it very far away before he stopped. The weasel waiter approached to take the fox’s order again, but Columbo returned and politely said to the waiter, “I’m sorry, sir. Excuse me.” He then looked at the confused fox, getting right into his personal space, and said, “I’m sorry. I almost walked out of here. There was something bothering me, and I wanted to ask you about it.”
“Go on then,” urged the fox.
“You see… one of the reasons I’m having trouble with this case has to do with some crazy things happening with the crime scene itself. The body was on the floor, right? But most of the blood was on the couch. Now, as a predator, you might be able to tell me why that might be.”
The fox actually smiled. In fact, it took some effort not to laugh. It took everything he had to turn that smile into a look of thoughtfulness. “I see. No, really, I do see what you are saying. Well, Lieutenant, I don’t know much about crime scene investigation, but I do know something or other about murder… and murder is a messy business. It involves a lot of thrashing about and such. When Isengrim… allegedly bit into her neck… there must have been a violent struggle. After all, she did attempt to defend herself, did she not?”
Columbo stared into the fox’s eyes for a short time before finally nodding. “Yes, that makes sense. Thank you for that. I’ll leave you alone for good now.”
“You’re welcome, Lieutenant,” muttered the fox as he watched the man walk away.
When Columbo stepped outside the restaurant, he was surprised to see Grimbart leaning against his car. The badger casually smoked a cigarette and stared at the human, waiting for him to come over.
Columbo smiled before obliging him.
Chapter Text
“I don’t want to keep you, Lieutenant,” muttered Grimbart, stepping away from Columbo’s car.
The human took a few puffs from his cigar and nodded. “No harm done. I wasn’t in too much of a hurry.”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed that.” The badger dropped his cigarette to the asphalt, stepping it out with his foot. “You don’t seem to be in a hurry about anything.”
Columbo scratched his head and asked, “I don’t mean to make assumptions, sir, but you sound like you might have a problem with me.”
Although the badger was shorter than the human, he stood before Columbo as if he was three feet taller. He glared into Columbo’s eyes sternly and said, “I’m beginning to get the feeling you may be wrongfully perusing Reynard, who has been a staunch servant to His Majesty as well as a devoted Christian for his entire life. Hell, he’s a better Christian than most of the animals I’ve seen around the Animal District.”
Columbo held up his hands in surrender. “Look, I can see you’re getting a little upset.”
“You’re damn right I’m upset.”
“Well, be that as it may, sir, I’m just doing my job. I can’t close this case until I’ve tied up all the loose ends. That’s just how it works.”
“Not here, it doesn’t. The only reason you are here at all is because King Noble doesn’t want to deal with the loss of two people who he was frankly very close to. If it had been up to him, he would have wrapped this up within a few hours. Any fool knows that Isengrim is the killer. He was a wolf with a temper, and it was bound to happen, eventually.”
Columbo said nothing and merely puffed on his cigar.
Grimbart just kept going on. “I know Reynard better than anybody. He’s a saint. He is practically the right-hand fox to the king himself. There is no one in all of the Animal District that King Noble trusts more. You can ask the king himself; it’s true.”
Columbo finally spoke up, “Sir, I get that you’re troubled by some of the stuff I’m doing, but this is my job.”
“No, I get that it’s your damn job, but I’ve been looking into you, and you have been asking a lot of questions about Reynard, when there are plenty of other animals out there, not to mention Isengrim himself.”
Columbo acknowledged, “Yeah, I know how all this must look. Honestly, a lot of my focus on Reynard had to do with those confusing rape allegations.”
“We’re not going to talk about that,” said the badger coldly.
Columbo snapped his fingers and pointed at him. “See that? Did you see what you just did? The moment I brought up that rape business, you flip the switch right off. And you know what, sir? Everyone’s been doing that to me. Fineskin did it, King Noble did it, I almost brought it up with Reynard, but he’s probably the last person who would want to talk to me about it.”
“You don’t even know what you’re getting into,” grumbled Grimbart.
“All I know is this,” returned the Lieutenant. “There is a link between Reynard and Arswind that the King was willing to mention, but nobody, including him, wants to elaborate on it. Not only does this leave a big gaping hole inside my head about what is going on, but I also can’t let things like that slide without figuring out why.”
Grimbart returned, “You obviously do not understand anything about animal politics. If you had bothered to study up on it, you’d understand that when the king puts something to rest, it is as if it had never happened.”
“Oh, I get that, sir,” returned Columbo, gesturing with his cigar. “The only problem is that I’m not animal enough to think like that. The whole thing just bothers me. It just seems to me that there might have been something between Reynard and Arswind. Maybe there wasn’t. I don’t know anything at the moment, but I have to be absolutely sure before I can move on with this case.”
Grimbart remained calm and even nodded to the taller human stoically. “I get that you have to do what you have to do. The king is going to have his way, after all. Just understand this, Lieutenant: going after someone as prominent as Reynard is never wise. And besides that, Reynard clearly has nothing to do with this case. If you persist in poking into his affairs, which I am very aware that you have been doing, I’ll look into making a formal complaint to your superiors. I’m sure you aren’t interested in any political trouble concerning the Animal District, Lieutenant Columbo. Our protection extends even to your executive branch.”
Columbo nodded and even smiled. “I assure you, sir, that I mean no harm towards either you or Reynard. I’m just trying to figure things out in my own way.”
“Wrap it up, Lieutenant,” said Grimbart with a scowl. “The longer you take, the more trouble you’ll make for yourself. Do we have an understanding?”
“Of course we do,” replied Columbo.
“Good evening then.” The badger began walking away.
Columbo took another puff off his cigar as he opened the door to his car. However, he stopped and called out to Grimbart, “Hey, wait a minute, would ya?!”
Grimbart turned and waited for Columbo to march up to him. “What is it now, Lieutenant?”
“Look, it’s about that whole penance thing. You know… the thing you did with the poker?”
“Yes, what about it?”
“Well, I was just wondering, sir. What was Reynard receiving penance for?”
Grimbart scoffed and took a moment. It almost looked as if he was going to ignore the policeman and just walk away. He turned back to him, however, and replied, “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God… even you, Lieutenant.” Grimbart, now looking somewhat sad, turned and walked away without looking back.
Columbo watched him for a short while as he smoked his cigar. He soon returned to his car.
Chapter Text
Inside the One Ear Laundry Company, many small animals such as mice and squirrels were busy cleaning, drying, and carrying about laundry from the various clients of the Animal District. Lots of little—and often squeaky—voices yelled out at one another, intermixed with the sounds of the machines.
Columbo entered the facility, smoking his cigar. He grinned pleasantly as he gazed around, enjoying the sight of so many tiny animals working together like some in old cartoon. He was enjoying it so much, in fact, that he did not see the little squirrel run up to him.
“Excuse me, sir!”
Columbo looked left and right before realizing he had to look down. “Oh, sorry, sir. I didn’t see you down there.”
“Yeah, like I don’t hear that every day of my life,” the squirrel replied with some annoyance in his squeaky voice. “Look, man. You gotta put out that cigar. Nobody wants their fancy suits smelling like smoke. Get me?”
Columbo was instantly embarrassed. “You know what? You’re right. That was stupid of me.” He looked around for an ashtray. “Uh… Where do I…”
But then he noticed that the squirrel was suddenly holding a tiny ashtray. “Right here, if you wouldn’t mind,” squeaked the squirrel.
“Ah! Thank you.” Columbo smiled, leaned all the way down, knocking the cherry off his cigar and then smashing it out. He withdrew the remaining nub, examined it to be sure it was not still smoking, and tucked it into an inner pocket of his coat. “Sorry again about the smoke. I should have known better.”
“No big deal,” replied the squirrel. “At least you actually bothered. Some of those high court animals will just do whatever they please. By the way, can I help you with anything? You’re not lost, are ya?”
“Oh, no… I…” He stopped as he tried to find his badge. “I’m with the police. I’m looking for…” He stopped when he finally found the pocket that had his badge in it. Showing it to the squirrel, he said, “I’m looking for your boss. His name is Lapreel.”
“You want Lapreel? Man, he can’t stand the police. They make him nervous. Me and the boys dressed up as police animals one time to play a joke on him. All it did was make him scream and cry a little. Turned out to not be very funny. It was kind of sad, actually.”
Columbo smiled understandingly. “Well, be that as it may, I still need to see him.”
“Sure thing. Just head over that walkway there. His room is straight across and to the right. Look for the door with the one-eared bunny on it. Can’t miss it.”
“You sure he’s in there?”
“Positive. The boss hasn’t come out of that room all day.”
Columbo made a polite wave. “Thanks a bunch, little guy.”
“Hey, you know what they say: big where it counts, right? Hahaha!” And then he scurried away.
Columbo chuckled and shook his head as he followed the directions given. He found the office in question and gave the door a light knock.
A voice came from inside. “I’m busy! Come back later!”
Columbo replied, “Mister Lapreel, I really need to talk to you… if you wouldn’t mind.”
“Oh, what is it now?” The door suddenly opened. Columbo was now looking down at a one-eared rabbit dressed in a waistcoat. The rabbit gazed up at the strange human and looked him over carefully. “I’m sorry, whoever-you-are. Our business only services animals. Besides, there isn’t really anything I can do for a coat like that anyhow.”
“Oh, pardon me, sir.” Columbo showed the rabbit his badge. “My name is Lieutenant Columbo of the LAPD.”
Seeing the badge, Lapreel gulped and said, “I suppose you should come inside, then.” And so he stepped aside, letting the human into his office. He was clearly nervous. “What do you want?”
“Mind if I ask you a few questions, sir?”
“In relation to what?” asked the still-stunned rabbit.
“In relation to the murder of Arswind, sir.”
With a gasp, the rabbit put his paws in the air and cried out, “I didn’t do it! I swear! I had nothing to do with it! You have to believe me!”
Columbo was surprised by this reaction. “Well, I didn’t think you—”
“I found them like that!” cried the rabbit miserably. “I swear it! They were like that when I got there! You have to believe me! I had nothing to do with it! Nothing!”
“No, sir. I’m trying to tell you that you aren’t—”
“Please, please don’t arrest me!” pled the rabbit, dropping down to his little knees. “All I have in this life is my business! It’s just a humble business that helps me survive in this cruel world! Please don’t take it away from me! An arrest would be such a scandal!”
“You’re not in trouble!” Columbo was finally able to say. “You’re not under suspicion or anything. Everything is fine.”
“Are you sure?” whimpered Lapreel.
“Yes, I’m sure. I’m just here to find out if you saw anything that night, although I think you’ve already confirmed that for me.”
The one-eared rabbit slowly got back up. He patted his paws together nervously as he gazed up at the Lieutenant. “Yes, I saw it. I was there to pick up Miss Arswind’s laundry.”
“And you were the one who made the call to Fineskin?”
“Yes, that was me. Are you absolutely positive that I won’t be arrested? Really, Lieutenant, I have a very large family who needs me.”
“I’m just trying to find out what you know, sir. Nothing else.”
“Oh, my Lord. Gentle Mother, comfort me in my time of need. Lieutenant, if I tell you anything, please keep it between us. If one of the animals finds out, it could be dangerous for me. Especially Reynard. What if he found out? I’d be done for.”
“Why Reynard?” asked Columbo.
“What?!” asked the rabbit with a panic. “Did he say anything?!”
Columbo held up a hand to try to calm him down. “Never mind. Listen, sir, I just need you to give me your full account. That’s all. Nobody will know anything about our conversation.”
Lapreel stood there for a short time, trying to get his nerve. Finally, he returned, “All right. I’ll do it. If anything, for Arswind’s sake. Oh, I did love her. We all did.” The rabbit sighed miserably as he sat down in his tiny office chair. “Imagine that: a rabbit loving a wolf. But it was true. She was such a kind-hearted member of the royal court.”
Columbo looked around for a chair, but none of them were big enough for him. He just gave up and pulled out his pad and pencil.
Lapreel continued, “I arrived there at around 6AM. It was laundry night for Arswind. She always had me pick it up at that time so that it would not interfere with their daily lives. I had a key to their front door, and so I opened it up. That’s when I… when I… saw… the scene. Do I have to describe it?”
“Wait,” said Columbo, tapping his pencil to his notebook. “You said you had to open the door?”
The rabbit blinked. “Yes. Of course, I did. Is something wrong?”
The policeman appeared incredibly confused. “So the door was closed when you got there.”
“Um… Yes, Lieutenant. Generally when one opens a door, it tends to be closed beforehand. Are you all right?”
Columbo held his head as if he had a nasty headache. “Nothing. Just keep going. Tell me what you saw.”
With a sad sigh, Lapreel continued, “Well… I saw the bodies… and all the blood… and dear Arswind. Isengrim was there too. They were both laying in the center of the living room. I didn’t go in. I simply left to go report it to Fineskin. I tried to disguise my voice… but I suppose he still figured it out.”
“And did you leave the door open when you left?” asked Columbo.
“Yes,” nodded the rabbit. “I did not want to stay there any longer than I had to. Columbo, the way you’re scrunching up your face is making me very nervous.”
Columbo could not help it. He was presently baffled, and his face did that when he was baffled. “Eh, don’t worry about it. You’re not in trouble, sir. Thank you.”
“Oh, I’m so happy to hear it,” muttered the rabbit.
Scratching himself on the head, the human opened the door and began to hobble out like a man who was wracked with confusion. Once he was gone, Lapreel lay his head onto his desk and let out a long sigh of relief.
“Just one more thing, sir,” came the unexpected voice of Columbo.
Lapreel sat up with a fearful jerk. The man was in his office again. The rabbit nervously replied, “What is it?”
Columbo said, “I’m sorry to keep disturbing you, but I almost forgot one of the main reasons I even came to see you. You see, nobody wants to talk to me about that old rape case between Reynard and Arswind, and I’m pretty sure you aren’t going to either.”
Lapreel just stared at him.
Columbo asked, “Will you tell me about it?”
“Um… I’d rather not, Lieutenant.”
“All right, sir. But at the very least, could you tell me if you know if there might be anything going on between Reynard and Arswind? Maybe you heard something during your laundry rounds.”
The rabbit, somewhat rattled by this question, took a moment to ring his paws as he considered his answer. “Well, Lieutenant… I really don’t like to get involved with that sort of business. But I do think I can point you in the right direction. You should talk to the personal friend and confidant of dear Arswind. His name is Tybert. He is a cat and a member of the king’s court. However, Lieutenant… you did not hear any of this from me. I am uninvolved.”
Columbo pointed at him and said, “Thank you, sir.” He started to leave, but briefly looked back and said, “Oh, and again, sir… nothing to worry about.”
Lapreel stared at him with hope in his eyes.
Columbo added, “Seriously. Everything’s fine.”
The rabbit continued to stare.
Columbo pointed to the door and said, “I’ll just be on my way, then.”
And so, he finally left.
Chapter Text
The following day, many of the talking animals of the LA Animal District crowded into a graveyard. An open funeral for Arswind was being held at the plot of her burial. The autopsy having been completed in good time, the she-wolf’s body could now finally be put to rest.
At the forefront of the ceremony sat King Noble as well as all the living members of his high court, which included the likes of Reynard the fox, Grimbart the badger, Bruin the Bear, Tybert the cat, and Lapreel the rabbit. One outstanding exception to this list was Isengrim who was still being held at the LAPD. For this reason, he was incapable of attending the funeral of his own wife.
Fineskin presided over the ceremony before the suspended coffin and spoke with as much reverence as he was expected to. “From the book of the prophet Isaiah,” spoke the leopard to those present. “‘On this mountain the Lord of hosts will provide for all peoples. On this mountain He will destroy the veil that veils all peoples, the web that is woven over all nations; He will destroy death forever. The Lord God will wipe away the tears from all faces; the reproach of His people He will remove from the whole earth; for the Lord has spoken.
“‘On that day it will be said: “Behold our God, to whom we looked to save us! This is the Lord for whom we have looked; let us rejoice and be glad that He has saved us!”’ So sayeth the Lord who carries forth the immortal soul of Arswind the she-wolf into the eternal afterlife.”
As this sermon continued, Reynard noticed the presence of Columbo just outside the funeral proper. The fox elbowed the badger next to him. Somewhat startled, Grimbart soon saw what Reynard saw and did not seem very happy about it. He gave the fox a stern look, signaling him to simply focus on the sermon. Even still, Reynard could not help but glance over occasionally at the human, wondering if the man was looking at him. It did somewhat seem so, but he could not be entirely sure.
*****
Once the ceremony was complete, the coffin was lowered, and the animals took turns casting dirt upon it to signify their goodbyes. There was much mourning, for Arswind was so very beloved. Lapreel could actually be seen weeping, which many thought was rather odd, since he might have ended up a meal for her under the right circumstances. Reynard took a little more time to say a prayer as he let the soil fall upon the coffin. He crossed himself and said so that Grimbart could hear, “I shall dearly miss her. May the Lord God carry her soul on to greater pastures.”
“Amen,” muttered Grimbart.
“Yes, amen,” echoed the fox.
As they proceeded toward the shade of a tree, Reynard saw Columbo again. He calmly turned to his friend and said, “That man has been here the entire time. I think he’s been looking at me, but I cannot be sure.”
“Ignore him,” urged Grimbart.
“But he’s just so noticeable,” continued Reynard. “And I really think he must have been looking at me.”
“He probably was,” grumbled the badger. “Reynard, stop looking at him. He suspects you.”
“Everybody suspects the fox,” shrugged Reynard. “I’ve lived my whole life as a suspect. Perhaps I should go say hello.”
“As your lawyer, I’d have to advise against it. You know he already suspects that Isengrim didn’t do it. He’s on your tail.”
“Yes, I know that already… but… but I like him,” whimpered the fox. “There’s something so charming about him. And I really don’t think he has anything on me. He’s probably just poking around, trying to get lucky.”
“You cannot know that for sure,” Grimbart growled.
“But I can, you see. Look at him. He’s simply a dopey human with a wonky eyeball. He is no different from, say, the likes of a certain one-eared bunny. Who cares if he figures a few things out?”
“I care,” replied Grimbart. “His investigation is taking literal days. He already suspects you, and might I remind you that you are actually the one he is looking for? Don’t be foolish, friend Reynard. Listen to your lawyer for once in your life.”
“Oh, and you are doing a marvelous job at it; don’t get me wrong, dear Grimbart.” Reynard placed a consoling paw to his friend’s back, adding, “I simply think that things are not as bad as you imagine. I fully believe that I can talk my way out of any situation, especially one as easy as this. Columbo may suspect me, but he does not know. And besides, his powers as investigator are limited, for I still have the ear of the king, a trust that I have well-earned.”
The badger was very stern in his words. “Reynard, I believe in you, truly I do… but I cannot understate how uncomfortable I am with what is occurring. There is more happening here than I think either of us is aware of.”
“He’s coming this way,” said Reynard with a smile. “He probably wants to have another chat.”
“Let’s leave,” urged the badger.
“No, I’d like to talk with him. I…” But then the fox went quiet, for Columbo had turned away towards someone else. He approached Tybert the cat at the far side of the grounds. This confused Reynard.
“What do you think he wants with Tybert?” asked the fox curiously. “How interesting. What could he possibly want with Tybert?”
“At least he isn’t paying any attention to you,” groaned Grimbart. “Let’s just go.”
But the fox could not resist looking at the two from where he stood under the tree. Softly, Reynard muttered, “Oh, I dearly wish I knew what they were saying to one another.”
Chapter Text
Tybert was strangely vacant in expression as the human walked up to him. The feline was cold and still, merely waiting, perhaps curiously, for what this funny-looking man wanted of him.
Columbo gave a friendly wave as he approached. He took a partially smoked cigar from his coat pocket and put it in his mouth. He seemed to struggle to find a light in his pockets before he began speaking.
“Are you Tybert?” he asked.
“Yes, I am,” returned the cat. “Can I help you?”
“I certainly hope so,” said Columbo, finally finding his matches. He took a moment to light his cigar before discarding the match. “I’m Lieutenant Columbo of the LAPD. I was hoping to ask you some questions regarding the murder of Arswind.”
Never changing his blank expression, Tybert calmly replied, “I was under the impression that it had already been resolved.”
Columbo nodded in an understanding way. “Yeah, I know it kind of looked that way, but things are just not adding up for me, sir. You see, before the poor girl was buried in that plot over there…” He pointed. “…a toxicology report was filed on her by a good man I just met named Larry Carson. They call him a ‘special veterinarian.’ He’s the only vet in the whole city who could have done what he did for Arswind, so I’m taking that report pretty seriously, sir.”
“I don’t understand,” said Tybert. “What did he find?”
Columbo took a moment to smoke on his cigar before replying, “Well, to be frank, sir, Mister Carson found a hefty amount of sleeping drugs in her system. Seco… Eh… Secobarbital is what he called it, I think. It’s a prescription drug, and I couldn’t find any record of Arswind ever having or even needing that prescription.”
Tybert’s vacant expression softened into one of worry and confusion. “Are you suggesting that Isengrim drugged her?”
“Well, sir… it just seems to me a little strange for Arswind to fight with such violence and strength if she was about to pass out from a major overdose.”
Tybert looked down and away. “I didn’t know any of those things. Why are you even telling me all this? I wasn’t involved.”
Columbo nodded and returned, “I’m sorry for rambling. I do that sometimes. This whole thing just makes less and less sense to me the more I look into it. Actually, to tell you the truth, sir, I’m really more interested to hear if you know if there was anything between Arswind and Reynard.”
Tybert returned his gaze to the policeman but with a scowl. His ears went flat against the back of his head as he replied, “What are you even suggesting, Lieutenant?”
“Like maybe they were having an affair or something,” said Columbo, gesturing with his cigar.
Tybert scoffed. “That is none of my business, Lieutenant. Why would I even know about such a thing?”
Columbo calmly replied, “It sounded to me like Lapreel may have overheard you saying something about Reynard and Arswind at some point. The only problem is that he’s too timid to talk to me about it.”
“That hopping, one-eared laundry washer,” said Tybert with disgust. “I should have eaten him centuries ago.”
Columbo remained firm. “Sir, I know, for whatever reason, this is a difficult topic to talk about. I’m barely able to get anyone to give me any clear answers.” He tapped his head. “I know up here that something isn’t right about this case. I can’t bring myself to believe the story being fed to me over and over again.
“Tybert, if you know anything about Reynard and Arswind, I need you to tell me right now. If you don’t, there’s a good chance that Isengrim is going to go down for a murder he never committed.”
Tybert’s scowl melted some. He asked the human, “And you really don’t think he did it?”
“I don’t, sir.”
Tybert closed his eyes and took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. When he opened his eyes, the feline spoke, “All right, Lieutenant. Here’s the truth: Reynard had been fucking her.” The cat had uttered the vulgar word with disgust. After a pause, he went on, “They were having an affair. Arswind… had been terribly depressed about it. She only told me about it once, but she would sometimes… look at me… and that look told me that it was still happening.”
Columbo smiled appreciatively. With a friendly nod of his head, the man said, “Thank you, sir.”
“It was time,” nodded the feline. “It was good to finally tell someone. It’s something that’s been tugging at me for a long time now.”
Columbo went on to ask, “Do you know of any reason why Reynard would want to murder Arswind?”
Tybert considered the question for a short while. “I don’t think so,” he finally replied. “Of course, he might have done it in a moment of passion. Either way, I am really upset over her loss. We were good friends. We’ve always been good friends.
“Arswind really regretted what she was doing with Reynard. I advised her that she should just confess it to Isengrim—clear the air. If there was anyone in the world that would forgive her… it was Isengrim. He was the most loyal wolf I have ever had the privilege of knowing in this world. It was incredible. In fact, when I heard that he may have killed her… I just about lost faith in… well… everything. I was even questioning the Lord God Himself… to my eternal shame.”
Columbo was clearly surprised by the testimony. He asked, “Do you think it is even possible for Isengrim to forgive something like that?”
“You don’t understand him like I do,” replied the feline. “I’ve known him for a long time. Isengrim loved his wife more than his own life. It was proven time and time again. He would have died for her before showing her even the slightest anger.”
Tybert scowled and added, “He would be likelier to show his anger towards Reynard, if he had ever found out, of course.”
Columbo puffed on his cigar for a moment before simply saying, “Thank you, sir. That’s all I wanted to hear.”
“Lieutenant Columbo,” began Tybert, looking up into the human’s eyes. “There are many of us within the court of King Noble that hate Reynard… truly hate him… but you may find it very difficult for any of us to actually say so.”
“I think I have a hunch as to why,” nodded Columbo. “Have a good day, sir.”
Tybert turned away, but stayed where he was. Columbo headed back towards his car, but before he could get to it, he heard the voice of Reynard calling for him.
“Lieutenant! Lieutenant Columbo! Please stay a bit longer, would you?!”
Columbo turned, smiled, and proceeded to smoke his cigar as the fox approached.
Chapter Text
Reynard came up to the policeman with no one in tow. Columbo could see Grimbart the badger in the distance, merely watching. The fox himself was well dressed for the day’s sad event, which contrasted heavily with Columbo’s dusty old raincoat.
“Lieutenant Columbo,” greeted Reynard. “I’m so glad you decided to show. It’s such a pleasure to see a human attend an animal funeral. To this day, I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a thing.”
“Well, I admit that it had me curious,” returned Columbo.
“Oh, I’m not fooled, Lieutenant. I know you must be here as a matter of business. I’m happy you are, in fact. It shows genuine commitment. It’s something I have grown to admire about you.”
Columbo gestured with his cigar and said, “Well, sir, every part of the case is important. I just like to make sure I get all the facts before I make a final decision.”
Reynard nodded with understanding. “Yes, of course. Of course. But surely, you must be close to the end of it all. From what I understand, you’ve been roaming around talking to everybody. Even Tybert of all people, a virtual nobody when it comes to everything involved. Surely it all must be coming to a close.”
“It’s getting there,” acknowledged the human casually. “Don’t you worry about that.”
“Oh, I was never worried,” returned the fox. “I already know a lot of the details myself. To me, is it already very clear that Isengrim, as much as we all adored the fellow, certainly murdered poor Arswind in a fit of rage.”
After taking another puff off his cigar, Columbo calmly asked Reynard a point-blank question. “Were you having an affair with Arswind, sir?”
The fox gasped dramatically. However, his look of shock soon melted into one of shame. With sadness in his voice, he replied, “Yes. Yes, it’s true.” He shifted slightly and peered up into the eyes of the human. “I was having an affair with her, and I’ve been broken up about it ever since that night.”
“So, you were with her?” asked Columbo.
“Yes, I was. We made love like we usually did. It was something we always arranged ahead of time. No doubt Isengrim found out about it and came home with anger in his heart.” He scoffed at himself and added, “What an awful place to make a confession: a funeral, of all things. But surely the Lord God Himself has compelled me to admit to it.”
“I see,” nodded Columbo rather stoically. “So you were there, but then you left before he came home.”
“Yes, I assume so. I always left before he came home from work. Although I enjoyed her company, I always left feeling rather awful… and so would go to my friend Grimbart’s house to suffer penance for my sin. I was always very weak when it came to that lovely she-wolf. Oh, how she tempted me.”
“Yes, I’m starting to see it all now,” nodded Columbo. “It is a very sad story indeed. I imagine you must have felt terrible about all this.”
“Oh, yes,” nodded the fox. “This has been the worst week of my life. I know what Arswind and I did was a sin. Even though Isengrim committed the murder, I often question whether or not it was really my fault. After all, Lieutenant, if we had never sinned against the Lord God… Isengrim would have never had a reason to be so angry.”
Columbo, looking equally grim, returned, “Well, I’m sure I have just about all I need to move this thing along. I thank you for admitting to the affair. That must have been difficult for you, sir.”
“Not as difficult as you may expect, lieutenant. My heart could not abide keeping the secret any longer. Your persistence in the search for justice inspired me to speak out once and for all.”
Columbo nodded and said, “I’ll have to talk to you later. If you’ll excuse me, sir.”
“Of course, Lieutenant.”
Columbo turned back to his car, taking several hard puffs off his cigar. Suddenly, he stopped. He turned around and held up a finger as if he was just remembering something. Reynard watched with absolute attention. He was enraptured by every action Columbo took.
The policeman turned fully back to Reynard and said, “Just one more question, if I could, sir.”
“Yes, go ahead,” replied Reynard, almost smiling.
Columbo spoke very gravely, “I just need to know one thing, sir. Did you rape Arswind some time ago?”
Reynard lowered his head in shame. He solemnly replied, “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, Lieutenant. Arswind was a true saint… for she was able to forgive me for my awful transgressions. She was a good and pious woman and did not deserve to die at the hand of a jealous husband.”
Columbo said nothing. He only nodded, although he did appear somewhat uncomfortable. Giving the fox a friendly wave, he placed the cigar into his mouth, turned back towards his car, and walked away in silence.
Reynard stood stock still and simply stared at the strange, haggard policeman as he walked away. He watched every single movement, down to the limp, scratch of the head, and flick of the cigar. He was fascinated.
Moments later, Grimbart stepped up next to his friend. The badger released a sour huff before saying, “You really should have let me talk to Lieutenant Columbo for you. If I cannot act as your lawyer, what even is the point of me being here?”
“I think you’re right,” muttered Reynard, watching as Columbo casually stepped into his silly-looking car and drove off. The fox gulped hard and added, “I think you were right about him all along, old friend. I think he knows I did it. He’s… He’s playing with me.”
“Like a fox,” returned Grimbart.
Reynard’s head snapped around sharply, and he stared at the badger in scandalized shock.
Chapter Text
King Noble smiled pleasantly as Lieutenant Columbo stepped into his personal office. The tall lion held out his hand for the human to shake. It was a mighty large paw with sharp claws.
Columbo had a brief moment of apprehension before he very happily placed hand to paw and shook. “Mighty nice of you, Your Majesty.”
“Just happy to be free of my royal duties so I can finally meet with you.” The king withdrew and went over to a small bar to pour himself a drink. “Can I get you anything, Lieutenant?”
Columbo raised the hand which held his smoking cigar. “No, thank you,” he replied with a friendly smile.
“Suit yourself,” said the king, pouring himself some brandy. “Lieutenant, I am very interested in hearing how your investigation is going. I’ve just been so busy dealing with my side of things that I just have not been able to check in with you.”
“I’ve noticed that, Your Majesty,” returned the policeman. “Although I understand that you were busy. I mean… I’ve never been a king, so what do I know about it?”
“Of course,” said the king, slowly walking towards a chair. He gestured to the one in front of him, and they both sat down, facing each other. “Please, no formalities, Lieutenant. The Lord God placed man above the animals. I am your servant.”
“Thank you, sir,” nodded Columbo. “I really appreciate that. I always worried I’m gonna say something dopey around royalty. It hasn’t happened yet, but there’s a first time for everything.”
“Very droll,” chuckled the lion. “Please, tell me what you’ve learned.”
Columbo took a puff off his cigar as he scratched his head. “Well, sir… I’m pretty sure that Isengrim didn’t kill his wife.”
“I see. Very interesting. If not Isengrim, then who did?”
“Well, before I get into that, there’s something that I just need to ask you, if you’ll pardon me for just a moment.”
King Noble nodded stoically. “Go ahead, Lieutenant.”
“It’s about those rape allegations you mentioned when we first met,” said Columbo. “You just sort of dropped that on me and then immediately shut it down. I’ve tried asking the other animals about it, and nobody wants to elaborate because they said you put the whole thing to rest.”
“Yes, that’s true. I put it to rest quite a long time ago. Is it important to your investigation?”
Columbo held his cigar in front of him in a contemplative manner. “Quite frankly… yes. I tried to contact you several times about it, but Fineskin kept telling me you were busy with one thing or another… and I didn’t really want to bother you at the funeral.”
“How very kind,” nodded the lion appreciatively.
“Yes, sir. Do you think you can tell more about those old allegations?”
“I suppose I could… but before I say anything definitively, may I ask if you think that Reynard is the killer in this case?”
Columbo took a moment to clear his throat. In a very reverent tone, the policeman responded, “With respect, sir, I’d really rather you answer my question first.”
King Noble made a nearly inaudible chuckle as he looked down at his brandy. He pressed a claw tip to the rim of the glass, tracing it around in a circle. “You are a most interesting man, Lieutenant Columbo.”
“Oh, no need to be so formal with me, sir,” replied Columbo with a grin.
“I think I owe you the honor… in this case. Yes, I’ll tell you what you want to know. I feel that the time is right.”
The lion stood up, facing away from the policeman. He placed the glass to his lips and took a long drink. After a lengthy sigh, he began, “A long time ago, long before we lived among the humans as we do now, the animals and I lived in the wilds outside of human civilization. We could still walk and talk, but we had formed our own Christian society… led by me… and it has been that way ever since.
“I was married then. Still am, I believe. As strange as this sounds… I don’t know where she is… and I can scarcely even remember her name.” He took another sip of brandy before adding, “Whatever the case may be… I’ve no doubt that Reynard knows where she is and why she is there. Reynard, I have learned, knows a good deal about everything.”
Columbo said nothing. He merely sat very still and smoked his cigar, letting the lion say whatever he wanted to say.
After drinking a little more of the brandy, King Noble turned back towards the policeman and continued, “In those days, Reynard was often accused of a number of terrible deeds. Most of them were treacherous acts—murder, violence, sexual injustices.
“He was once accused of a misdeed concerning Arswind. Reynard had convinced her that she could catch fish more efficiently in the winter by placing her tail into the near-frozen water. She trusted him, but then her tail froze fast in ice and she became stuck. Isengrim caught Reynard taking advantage of her. There was nothing the she-wolf could bloody do but take it.
“Reynard fled the scene before Isengrim could take revenge. He later brought it to me as a complaint, and so I allowed Reynard to be charged and tried for the crime. Somehow, the fox talked and schemed his way out of the whole thing. He even fought Isengrim in open combat and somehow prevailed, not without biting out one of the wolf’s eyes.”
King Noble finished his brandy, placing the empty glass down on a table. His voice took on a tone of unbridled fascination. “So hypnotized by Reynard’s… simply beautiful cleverness… I resigned myself that he should always be steeped in power and praise. I gave him everything he wanted. I believed everything he ever told me. Reynard could do no wrong… even now.”
Columbo finally spoke up, “But it seems to me as if you know Reynard did these things. Why not throw the book at him?”
“Impossible,” replied the lion with a shake of his head. “Once a king has made his ruling, whether for the right reasons or naught… it should never be overturned… even in the case of overwhelming evidence. A king must stand by his decisions, for he is here by the choice of the Lord God. And after all… to go back on my word as king would make me look weak. Besides, it was my mistake, and I must live with the shame of it.”
“Well, I’ll be,” said the policeman with astonishment in his eyes. “That Isengrim really was loyal to the end, wasn’t he?”
“I believe so,” nodded King Noble.
“But I gotta say, sir, that the worst thing about this case was trying to figure you animals out. No offense intended there.”
“None taken, Lieutenant.”
“It’s just that nobody here acts in a way that I can really relate to. The crime scene made plenty sense to me in time, but the way animals think and act… Well, that just had my head spinning more than it’s been in a long time.”
“I do empathize with you, Lieutenant, but the laws of the Animal District are what they are. They are based on centuries of precedence.”
“Yes, I see that now,” nodded the human. “The whole picture is clearing right up. Thank you.”
The king returned to his seat. Taking a moment to gaze sternly into Columbo’s eyes, he said, “I am going to ask you again, Lieutenant: Who was it that murdered Arswind?”
Columbo took a few puffs from his cigar before pointing at the king. “I’m willing to bet that you already knew who killed her from the very beginning.”
The great lion furrowed his brow. “I need to hear you say it.”
Columbo nodded. “Reynard the fox did it, although I’m still confused why you couldn’t handle this yourself.”
The king closed his eyes and took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. “Lieutenant… despite all the horrible, sinful things that Reynard has done, I have surprisingly strong feelings for that fox. It would not be incorrect to say that… I love him.”
Columbo looked at the king with concern. “Love him… sir?”
The lion bowed his head for a moment in what looked like shame. “Yes. I love him. I love him in ways that are too inappropriate to go into, and I’d really rather you allow me the dignity of silence as to the details.”
Realizing he was getting into a rough area, Columbo nodded and replied, “Yes, of course. Don’t worry about the details.”
“Thank you, Lieutenant,” said the lion. “The hard truth of it is that I find the fox infinitely charming and… even amusing. I can even see when he is being deceptive… but the fox has captured my heart…and because of this… I had no choice but to recuse myself in favor of someone outside of the court.”
King Noble’s paws were trembling. Columbo thought this looked very strange. He no longer looked like the strong monarch that Columbo had first met, but a broken animal dealing with a dreadful internal struggle.
The king went on, “Reynard has taken everything from me… and I let him. He took away my dignity, my self-respect… my wife… and I simply cannot stand against him unless I see his treachery blazing hot in front of me, unless… I am simply too blind to see such things anymore.”
“How can I help you, sir?” asked Columbo calmly.
“If you could elicit a confession from the fox… I would then be free to act… but not until that time. Even as I speak to you, my heart still sides with Reynard.”
Columbo took a moment to smoke. He soon replied, “I’m pretty sure I can get a confession from him, sir, but I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied with how the animals handle their own.”
“You’re not in the wrong in saying so,” said the king with a trembling voice. “As I mentioned earlier, man was placed in charge of the animals of the earth. The Good Book said this for a reason, and I understand this more than ever now. Lieutenant Columbo, you are in the right in all things concerning this case, and yet… I still refuse to cast judgement until the time that my corrupted heart is satisfied. Do you understand me, Lieutenant?”
Columbo slowly rose to his feet. He nodded to the king and replied, “I think I do, sir. That doesn’t mean I have to like it… but I do understand it.”
The king closed his eyes, resting his head on the back of the chair. Calmly, he replied, “Thank you. I apologize for involving you in this. You may leave if you wish.”
Now fairly grave in his demeanor, Columbo silently turned towards the door, placing the cigar firmly between his teeth, and then walked out.
Chapter Text
Within a sparsely decorated room within the Los Angeles Police Department, Columbo sat in a chair, casually and calmly smoking a cigar. He looked up at the ceiling as if in deep thought. Puffs of smoke wafted through the air in random directions. Columbo had been there doing next to nothing for the last twenty minutes.
Suddenly, there was the sound of shouting coming from the hallway outside. Columbo held the cigar in his hand as he looked over at the closed door. The voice sounded angry.
“You have no right to escort us anywhere! I am going to make a formal complaint with the federal government! You’ll all be fired for this outrage!”
The door soon opened, and Sergeant Johnson stepped in, escorting Grimbart the badger followed by a much quieter Reynard. The fox seemed to be letting his lawyer do the talking, or in this case, yelling.
“All yours, Lieutenant,” chuckled Sergeant Johnson before stepping back out and closing the door.
Columbo merely gave the man a casual wave before returning to smoking his cigar.
Grimbart immediately pointed a trembling finger at the policeman. “You! How dare you!”
Columbo pointed at himself as if to ask if such a remark was intended for him.
“Yes, you! You had no right to have my client arrested, Lieutenant!”
Without saying a word, Columbo placed the cigar between his teeth and reached into his raincoat. He held up a folded piece of paper towards the badger and said, “It’s a warrant. Since you’re acting as his lawyer, you’re welcome to have a look at it.” He tossed it onto the table.
“A warrant?” grumbled the badger, swiping it off of the table and unfolding it. “Ridiculous.”
Reynard, through all this, was gazing upon Columbo with much curiosity. Columbo waited. Grimbart growled to himself as he read the document. He looked at Reynard and said, “He pulled a lot of strings to make this happen, Reynard. You still don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to.”
Reynard placed a paw to his friend’s shoulder, but he continued to stare at the smoking man wearing a raincoat. “What’s all this about? Why have I been brought here? Haven’t I been through enough, Lieutenant?”
“Reynard,” muttered Grimbart, but the fox ignored him.
Columbo took a moment to remove his cigar and blow some smoke. He then calmly asked, “Were you there that night, sir?”
Reynard scoffed. “Was I where?”
Columbo made a subtle gesture with his cigar, saying, “At the Isengrim estate… on the night of the murder.”
Grimbart snapped under his breath, “Stop talking to him.”
But Reynard pushed the badger away and stepped closer to Columbo. “I already confessed to that. I was there… but I left before Isengrim came home.”
“I see,” nodded Columbo. He reached into a different pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. Reynard focused on it with unwavering fascination. The human held it up and said, “Now, this right here is really interesting. Damn near lost sleep over it. Would you like to see what’s inside?”
“If you feel that it is relevant to show me.”
“Oh, I do, sir,” nodded Columbo as he began to unwrap the mysterious item. Inside was a piece of broken glass with leopard print. He placed it on the table so they could both see it.
Reynard just stared at it curiously, but Grimbart was just getting angrier by the second. “What foolishness is this, Lieutenant?!”
“Let him explain it, Uncle,” said Reynard strangely.
The use of the term “Uncle” caused the badger to choke a little and even blush. He was now looking at the fox with much worry.
Columbo nodded and pointed at the tiny shard. “That there little piece of glass went on a marvelous journey.” He took another puff from his cigar before adding, “Some might say an impossible one. It is a piece of the lampshade that Arswind allegedly used to hit Isengrim over the head.”
“So?” asked Reynard softly.
Columbo picked it up and replied, “I found it quite a ways outside the front door. For this piece of glass to have travelled all the way there, it would have to have traveled clear across half of the living room, and then a good ten feet onto the grass. I counted about thirty feet total myself, although I’ve never really been all that good at math. I think I got it right this time, though.
“Now, I was really confused by this thing,” continued the lieutenant. “See, I don’t know much about animals myself. At first, I was asking how a strong a female wolf must be if she can smash someone over the head so hard that a single glass shard can fly way, way out the open door.”
Reynard began to grin, although he may not have realized it. “I’m sure stranger things have happened, Lieutenant.”
“Oh, not as strange as this one, I’ll bet,” chuckled Columbo. “You see, I don’t think Arswind could have struck Isengrim very hard with all those sleeping drugs in her system. The girl would have been far too busy passing out for that.”
Reynard returned, “Like you said, Lieutenant… you don’t really know much about animals. You are clearly misjudging the fighting spirit of the late Arswind. Even if she had been drugged, she would have fought hard to the last, I’m sure.”
“Oh, well, you may be right there,” nodded the policeman as he puffed on his cigar. “I’m fairly sure she did.” He began to roll the glass shard around within the handkerchief. “But there’s something else about the whole thing that just didn’t make much sense to me.
“The initial scene suggested that the door was left wide open, which, as you know, would have allowed this magical glass shard to make that long journey onto the grass. Now, that’s already a long shot; even you might say so, wouldn’t you?”
“I suppose,” replied Reynard. “It does seem unlikely.” The fox was showing his fangs a little. His grin was becoming more pronounced.
Lieutenant Columbo resumed, “Well, as it turns out, Lapreel stopped by later to pick up some laundry. Arswind had given him a key. He had to use that same key to open that front door… where he saw the unconscious form of Isengrim and the deceased body of his wife. As it turns out, Lapreel was the real reason that door was open. He left it open when he went to go report the crime.”
“I see,” nodded the fox.
Grimbart softly pled, “Please, Reynard. Stop talking to him.”
Reynard held a hand up to his friend, and that was enough to quiet him. “Proceed, Lieutenant.”
Columbo nodded and said, “After letting all the details roll around in my brain, I can only see one possibility, and that possibility is this: someone hit Isengrim over the head right smack there at the door… and this same person stages everything to look like they had a deadly lover’s quarrel. He then leaves, closing the door firmly behind him to make it look like they did it to each other.”
Reynard was grinning ear to ear.
Grimbart was nervously looking from the fox to the policeman. All of his bluster was gone and replaced by an intense anxiety.
Columbo placed the glass shard back down and tapped the table near it, saying, “I don’t know a whole lot about how strong wolves are and I certainly don’t have any degree in physics, but I still can’t figure out how this piece of glass not only made it thirty feet away from where it was smashed… but also went through a solid slab of wood.”
“So what is your conclusion, Lieutenant?” asked Reynard with a wicked grin.
“I think you hit him over the head just as he came home. I think you did it because she was about to tell someone about your affair with her.”
Grimbart suddenly growled out in a rage, “All that is circumstantial; you have nothing!”
“Yes, I did it,” muttered the fox.
Grimbart was horrified. “Reynard, be quiet!”
“Nobody ruins my reputation,” Reynard went on coldly. “Dear Arswind chose her fate when she threatened to ruin me. The pretty she-wolf should have just left well enough alone. And as for Isengrim… well… he was simply the chump he’s always been in life.”
“Reynard, in the name of everything holy, please stop this!”
“Shut up, my dear uncle!” snapped the fox. “This is between me and Columbo!”
Grimbart, once more, broke down. He turned away and pressed his paw to the wall.
Reynard smiled smugly at the calmly smoking policeman. He said, “I congratulate you on a job well done, Lieutenant, but I regret to inform you that it will never come to anything. For one, you have no control over my fate. I am bound to the Animal District by the laws of your own government. Because I caused no harm to a human, my fate belongs to King Noble, and let me tell you something, Lieutenant. With how I pull the strings of that lion, there will be nothing you can say to him that will change his mind about me.”
“You really think so?” asked Columbo humbly.
“I know it!” said Reynard triumphantly. “In the eyes of King Noble, I can do no wrong. He is a dullard who will believe anything I say. I could rape and murder his own wife, and he would not dare question the lies I feed into his tiny, little brain. I even think the mighty king has fallen in love with me like some flaming faggot.
“In truth, Lieutenant, all your work has been in vain. You have failed. Nobody tells me what to do. Nobody controls me. I am the true king of the Animal Kingdom!”
There was a click. Everyone looked as the door to the room opened up. King Noble stood before everyone, dressed in his full royal attire. Grimbart covered his maw in sheer dread, and Reynard gazed into the stern eyes of the king in horror.
As this tableau persisted, Columbo calmly stood up from his seat. He picked up the shard of glass, folded it back up into the handkerchief, and placed it back into his pocket. Stepping over to the door, he politely muttered, “Your Majesty,” before stepping out. A moment later, Grimbart ran out behind him in a fit of fear.
With all the nobility, grace, and power of his species, King Noble placed his enormous paw to the door and eased it closed. The great lion gazed down at the terrified fox. The fox stared back into eyes that had not been so strong in ages. In those same eyes, Reynard could see something he thought he would never witness in all of his long years.
The end.
cooksaltyfish on Chapter 1 Wed 02 Jul 2025 05:56AM UTC
Last Edited Wed 02 Jul 2025 05:56AM UTC
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Ivan_Kulak on Chapter 1 Wed 02 Jul 2025 02:58PM UTC
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