Chapter Text
Natsuki Subaru was born in Heisei-era Japan’s pressure-free education system.
He had lived seventeen years, and to describe his life would take seventeen years in itself.
Setting that aside, his present situation could be simply described as “High school third year, shut-in.”
Or in more detailed terms, “A piece of trash who disregards everything, even his parents, to shut himself in his shell even with his entrance exams right around the corner.”
There was no particular reason for his solitude.
On typical weekdays, he would occasionally think “Getting up now would be a pain”, and that became an impetus to cut school.
With his absences steadily increasing, before he realized it he’d become an exemplary shut-in who brought tears to his parents.
He spent his days in sloth, plunging ever deeper into the net with minimal communication.
“The result being a summons to another world, huh…but where is the bustling market? The multi-colored hair? The half-human half-animal people?”
The shut-in had, somehow, almost deluded himself into expecting this.
The verdant green hills, devoid of any civilization yet clearly bearing the brunt of something residing on it; the grassy plains had recently been trampled, perhaps by humans, perhaps by some sort of large creature, and areas were burnt or even containing lightning-esque scars.
“Did…some epic fantasy battle happen here only for me to miss it!?”
The boy, still fully engaged in his delusion that a beautiful woman would come to give him some sort of prophecy, was ever so slowly losing faith that his preconceptions were correct.
“No…surely…it can’t be the ‘I’ve gone back in time’ trope, though I’d always planned what to do if I met Oda Nobunaga…first I’d seize the country, then I’d…”
Walking and meandering aimlessly, hoping to find some sight of civilization, the surprisingly fit hikikomori ventured into the plains.
With one hand on his chin and the other on his grocery bag full of convenience store goods, the rather mean-eyed boy took some time to look up—
“That’s…quite the hill.”
Though small, the various uneven changes of terrain would undoubtedly hinder a mere NEETs travels.
-- I guess it is getting dark, but I’ve got plenty to sustain myself until tomorrow.
“I’ve watched more than enough Bear Grylls first, you’ve gotta take two sticks and rub them together really~ hard…”
The self-proclaimed survival expert began attempting to start a fire with which to boil his bottled water—
-- After all, instant noodles’ve got to be one of the most calorie dense foods around, but no self-respecting Japanese would simply eat the salty block alone.
Strangely enough, his luck held up and he had attained the driest, most energy dense sticks in that small forest, and the embers of a fire began.
“Hm…I guess if I want the locals to not despise me, I’d better show them the ‘cool-survivalist-that-also-cares-about-the-environment’ look…”
Looking around at the nearby foliage for a moment, the young man procured a sizable chunk of wood, some smooth and dry stones, and more kindling.
-- If I remember correctly…
“...I just need to burn a concave shape into this log using the fire to make a bowl…”
A good half-hour passed for the faux Bear Grylls, between gathering stones to ensure the fire didn’t spread and carving out a bowl from the log, Natsuki Subaru had worked up an appetite.
“Man, it really was weird I ran out of soap for the bathroom on my floor at that moment, but…I guess fate just guided me to the perfect choice!”
With a smug look on his face, the boy removed his tracksuit top, placed his bottled water in his new bowl along with a few heated stones to boil the water he’d placed his instant noodles in, and headed to a more secluded tree.
-- Man, if only isekai stories removed all the parts where the main characters had to use the bathroom.
Returning back with renewed confidence that he was important, the star of the show for once, heir of Natsuki ventured back towards his camp.
“Though, I’d do rather well to fashion a fork out of wood—”
“Nom.”
And, with a single, small, almost inaudible bite, his evening was ruined.
“Ah?! Kill it! Kill it with fire!”
With both his dinner and composure in tatters, he proceeded to grab the nearest stick and charge at the rather small, pixie-like creature.
“Uweeah!?” With a shrill screech, the toddler-sized quickly retreated, floating backwards at breakneck pace.
-- Silver hair with a floating pink tiara, a delicately decorated cape with astral-motifs, pale skin and deep purple eyes with similarly white clothing, all embroidered with gold patterns and highlights…
“I see! You must be the mascot for my awesome journey!”
Calming down, yet still panting, the boy did a little flourish with the stick he’d previously been holding like an impromptu shinai, and uttered those less than humble words.
“Paimon’s a…what?” Previously scared and now more intrigued than anything else, the floating creature finished chewing the remainder of instant ramen in her mouth and gently flew closer to the boy.
-- Ah, the famous ‘Character-who-repeats-their-own-name-in-order-to-make-dialogue-easier-to-write’ trope which will never be explained in-universe!
“Hmm, so I see, you must be a ‘Paimon’.” With a smug expression and a hand on his chin, the next patriarch of the Natsuki family proclaimed as such.
“Hey, Paimon’s not ‘a’ Paimon, Paimon is Paimon, you…you strange person!” Now finished with her stolen meal, the floating fairy began to take immediate offense to his words. “And Paimon’s not anyone’s mascot, you nincompoop!”
Now pointing her finger in a rather accusatory manner, the whimsical creature began returning the perceived slights on her character in full force.
“Yea yea yea, whaddya gotta say after bringing me here, eating my food, and expecting my cooperation, you plot device?” With a dismissive look and a hand wave, the boy quickly shattered any positive first impression he could’ve possibly made on the fairy-like figure.
“Hey! Paimon was practically starving to death over here! And whaddya mean bringing you here!? Paimon doesn’t even know who you are!”
“Now now now, I know how this song and dance goes,” The boy, assured in his delusions, quipped. “For my special cheat ability, I’ve always wanted a reality marble or domain expansion type ability…”
As he continued to rant on, the floating creature continued to stare at him with disdain and confusion, evidently flickering between the two on her small, silver-hair framed face.
“Now Paimon’s even more confused…what’s a ‘special cheat ability’? You certainly don’t seem to have a vision—”
“Hey I’ll have you know my vision’s twenty-twenty!”
“...no, Paimon means [神の目 Kami-no-Mae] (Eye of God), your eyes are too scary for Paimon’s liking anyway.”
“A ‘Vision’ is this ‘Eye of God’ thing? Sounds hell chunni…”
Now pensive, the boy finally quieted down.
“Hey, Paimon’s sorry for eating your food and all, but are you sure you haven’t hit your head recently?”
Now calmer, the floating creature began questioning the boy instead, taking a rather authoritative stance with the arms at the sides.
“Oi, I’ll be glad to let you know I’m the hero of this land, summoned by you from beyond the stars to defeat the foul evil!”
“Paimon doesn’t have the ability to summon anything! In fact, Paimon doesn’t even know how she got here!? Even if she did, Paimon wouldn’t summon someone as goofy as you even if all of Teyvat was at stake!”
-- Eh—!?
“...Eh!?”
And just like that, Subaru’s delusions hit a harsh wall.
-- So, the first fantasy creature in this new world, and she’s already insulting me…what was that show I watched a few days back… ‘Konosuba’, the one with a useless goddess? Yea, maybe I’m just in that type of world…
“Hey Hey, silly noodle guy, what do you mean ‘Eh’ ?”
While it wasn’t the final nail in the coffin, the pixie’s indirect insults didn’t help the matter.
“Why you little—!”
Very slightly more than mildly-annoyed, Subaru grabbed the whimsical little creature and gave it quite the shaking, one it’d likely never forget.
“Hey! Noodle-guy! Stop that! Paimon’s sorry! Really!”
With spirals in her purple eyes, the floating creature escaped the boy’s grasp and decided to hightail it as far away as possible, floating faster than he could reasonably be expected to sprint.
“I hate you Noodle-guuuuuuuuuuy!”
-- Well, maybe those are just common creatures, the ‘-mon’ suffix just leads me to believe I’m in one of those trainable monster games…I wonder what an ‘evolved Paimon’ would look like anyway.
“...hah…” With a minor sigh, the boy decided he’d open up his bag of potato chips he’d been saving for the next day and go to sleep.
Ǐ̶̛͂̀̋̽͋ͅL̸̡̲̤̙͚̮̭͔̫̔͆͐̄̾͑̃͆͑̉͋̓̌̃̚͝O̴̢̨͎̯̞̤̩̳̫͍̱͙͖͖͎̺̳̟͂̀͐̋͒̇̐͘V̸̢̢̱̠̺̟̳͈̗͖̮̅́̓̀͊̓̕͠͝͝E̵̛̖̼̼̓̂͑̄̌̍̀̆̅̕Y̷̡̡̡̛͓͔̺̺̻͓̯͉͎̳̺̰̬̱̜͉͍͍̻̥̼̐̏̾͋́͌͐̈́͐̔͒̍́̕̕͘̚O̶̢̹̖̬̥͚̫͉̭̻̜̲̺̳̥̘̟̬̿̄͒͒̑̔͋̒̄͌̀̒̋̕͝͝ͅͅU̴̡̨͈͓̗̱͙̹̟̠̮̳̱̟̦̙̘̣̞̭͎͌̈̈́͐͒̈́̐̓͘͜D̸̡̻̳̲̄͒̒̐̔̓̔͑̔̋̓̿́́̄̚̚Ō̴̧͓̭͔̩̯̱̙̟̈́̽̅̉͆̑̾͐̀͜N̸̛̘͚͚̬̖̜̈́͂͗́̇̌̚͝͠T̸̡͙͕͔̱̟̝̦̳͔̳͚̳̓͋́̉̃͐̋͋̾̕̕Ḻ̶͕͖̮̻͈̮̘̘̭̺̙̫̤̘͈̮̱̗̜̗̭͕̎͋̈́̍̐̐̽͂̓̎̍͂͆͋͋̏̕͘͠Ę̵̤͙͈̯̝̥͍̿̎̅̾̊͑̇̎͒̚ͅĄ̸̛̖͎̹̼̫͖̙͔̺̞̫̳̻̱̞̩̰̭̈́̈́̂̃̀͊̌͐̈́͜͠ͅV̷̡̛̩̹̗͙̳͖̎̅̑̿̀̓̿̽͒̉͜͜͠E̶̡̨̧͙̝͔̺͍͙̼̮̺̟̞̬̜̓̃̾̃̄̽̔̂̓̋̈̎̾͘͘̕͝͝͝ͅM̵̡̪̭̳̬̰̣͎͓̹̗̣͍͇͔̯̰̖̝͕̤̱̘͂́̌̌́̂͒͝E̶̫̙̼̣̮̬͖̥͓̬̳͔͍̭̺̖̜͇̘̎̑͂̓̈́̽͒̊̔̅̊̿̏̅͜͝Ǹ̸̡̧̙̼̳̳͍͇̜̠̗̭͔̜̄͆͒̂̾̒͌́̾̆͘̚͜E̸̛̍̒̀̃̇͆̔̈́̎͆̽̄͂͂̿̈́̅̇̃̃̿͜͠͝V̸̘͙̤̝̯̝̋̍̋̓̿̏Ę̷̨̧̢̛̝͕̫̠̥̠̭̥̘͖͉͇̰͉͉͕̟̊̓̊̈́̎̅́͛̀̄͛̐͒̒͐̽͜R̷̨̤͓̝̖͒̒̈̿́̿͌̈̿̈́̏̅͐̿̚͠L̴̫̣̲̬̰̭̺͈͉̀͆̓̀̍̈́́̊̔͋̓̐̏̓̽̿̆̓͆͝E̵̡̘̘̲̯͎̪̖̯͇̤̤̦̥͍͕̙̜̘͛͑͋ͅÀ̸̡̡̨̛͕̹͔̲̻̱̟̞̟͔͎͎̖̬̻̬̘̯̩̾̅͂̑͆̓̓͊̂͛̓̍́̑́̉̔̕̕ͅV̶̫̦̱̘̺̼̬͇̲̫̭̤̮͓̯͙͖̜͙̳͌͗͋͐̿́͆̕̚ͅͅͅE̴̡̨̡̪͔̙̙͔̥̮̠̹̻̘̠̖̳̳̍̈́́͗̀͒̃́̑̍̎̏́͗̌̋̆̈̋̊̔̚͘͠ͅͅM̴̡̙̠̬̫̰̩̰̺̠̬͇̠̖̣̣̏̓͌̎̏͛͋̋̕͜͝E̶̤͌͊̋̂̀̊͆͆̿͊̔̏̍͗̚͝
“EUGH—!”
Only for Natsuki Subaru to, very violently, pass away in his sleep.
Fin