Chapter Text
Buck and Tommy haven’t even been together for two months when Buck starts thinking about ending things. He hates himself for it, a little. He can’t put his finger on why the thought crosses his mind as he lays with his head on Tommy’s lap while they watch a documentary about a Napali mountaineer’s quest to summit the 14 peaks. It might have something to do with the put upon sigh Tommy had let out before agreeing to watch it with him. Or perhaps it was the fact that his fingers didn’t end up carding through Buck’s hair until he asked him to do it.
It’s unfair of Buck to expect Tommy to happily agree to watch what he wants; he knows people have different tastes and is well aware that his random hyperfixations aren’t as interesting to others as they are to him. It’s even more unfair of him to expect Tommy to know that he likes having his hair played with, that it calms him down more than anything else and that he needs it desperately after the day he’s had at work.
But the thing is: Tommy hadn’t asked him about his day, and that should be the bare minimum. Especially when Buck has been complaining about what a dick Gerrard is each time he’s seen Tommy in the two weeks since the man was appointed as captain of the 118. Buck doesn’t bring it up, though; neither the thought about ending things or the fact that Tommy doesn’t seem interested in what’s been going on with Buck since they last saw each other. It shouldn’t be a big deal. They rarely go more than three days without meeting up so it’s not like there is that much that can happen in the time they don’t see each other.
“Bobby is working to get his position back,” Tommy had pointed out the last time Buck had been ranting about the fact that Gerrard mixed up the shifts again. “You just have to stick this out.”
Buck had faltered then, struck by the dismissive tone in his voice, but he wasn’t done. “Yeah,” he’d said, pouting a little. “But now Eddie’s partnered with Ravi on B-shift and I’m stuck on A.”
Tommy had rolled his eyes and then rose up on his elbow to look Buck up and down where he was laying stretched out beside him on the bed. His gaze was filled with heat and Buck swallowed thickly. Tommy smirked at the reaction and then he was on top of Buck and all thoughts about how crappy it was to be separated from his team escaped him.
That happened a lot when Buck complained about things, or when he rambled about random topics. Tommy would say something to halt his words and before Buck knew it, they were making out and shimmying out of their clothes. It wasn’t like he was forcing Buck to do anything he didn’t want to, but it was becoming a pattern and Buck didn’t know how to break it. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to break it; the sex was good, after all.
It’s incredibly fun to discover this new aspect of himself and he owes it all to Tommy. Which is why he buries these doubts and uncomfortable feelings in favor of accepting that what he and Tommy have is nice. He has a tendency to ruin the good things in his life, and he’s sure it’s just this habit that’s making him think about breaking up with Tommy.
Usually he would talk to Eddie about these kinds of things, but he can’t exactly do that right now. Eddie isn’t doing well with Chris gone and Buck doesn’t want to burden him. He’s so fragile these days that Buck worries that one gust of wind will make Eddie shatter right in front of him. If he’s being honest, Buck thinks Eddie might already be in pieces. Some parts of him left in Afghanistan, others in Shannon’s grave and on the pavement where he bled out in down-town LA. There are probably fragments left in the holes of Eddie’s bedroom wall that they plastered over, and most of Eddie is all the way over in Texas right now. So, no, Buck can’t talk to Eddie about this.
He could talk to someone else about it, though. He has plenty of people who would be willing to listen but each time he goes to say something he remembers how proud they were of him when they found out about Tommy. They’re happy for him and already have so many other things to be upset about. He’s made them worry about him too many times already; it’s better if they think he’s finally okay.
Besides, it’s not like this is actually a problem. Tommy is funny and confident and knows exactly how to make Buck feel good, at least physically. He’s sure the emotional part will come eventually, once they’ve gotten to know each other better. He hopes it will, because Buck always feels really small when Tommy rolls his eyes at him, even if he thinks it’s done with fondness. It sort of reminds him of how Mom and Dad act towards him—annoyance telegraphed in every movement even as they try to seem friendly.
“I need to take a leak,” Tommy says and bounces his legs until Buck sits up so that he can go to the bathroom. “You don’t need to pause for me,” he says when Buck reaches for the remote and Buck bites the inside of his cheek as he watches him pick up his phone before he leaves.
It’s fine. Tommy doesn’t have to like the damned documentary. He was kind enough to agree to watch it with Buck and he can’t help it if he's not interested in people breaking world records like Buck is at the moment. Buck turns his attention back to the TV, but he can’t really focus on it when ten minutes pass and Tommy still hasn’t come back. He pauses the movie and gets up, a little bit worried that Tommy’s locked himself in or fallen or something.
The bathroom door is open when he gets to it and Buck frowns as he peeks his head in to find it empty. He pads over to Tommy’s bedroom and finds it empty as well. His heart rate picks up as he twists on his heels as he tries to figure out where else he could have gone. His house is just one story and the living room and kitchen is connected so there’s really nowhere to look.
Did he get kidnapped or something without Buck noticing? He was pretty immersed in the documentary before he realized how much time had passed since Tommy left. Buck practically sprints to the front door and whips it open only to freeze when he sees Tommy on the porch, leaning against the railing with his phone pressed to his ear.
“Yeah, I know, but it makes him happy so…” he’s saying into the phone as he twists around to face Buck and looks at him with a smile and raised brows. He holds up a finger, telling Buck to give him a second. “He came looking for me,” Tommy says and whoever is on the other end of the line says something that makes him laugh. “Yeah, he’s clingy as hell. I’ve gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.”
He hangs up and stuffs his phone into his pocket and Buck… Buck stares at him. At least he didn’t get kidnapped but now Buck just feels stupid. Tommy got a call and stepped outside to take it and Buck freaked the fuck out about it and it made Tommy tell whoever he was talking to that he was clingy.
“You alright?” Tommy asks but doesn’t seem overly concerned.
“Yeah,” Buck says. His face feels hot with embarrassment. “Who were you talking to?”
“Just a buddy from work,” Tommy says with a shrug. “He had to tell me about this thing that happened during his shift today.”
Buck nods numbly. Tommy sounds happy about the fact that this guy told him about his day and Buck really doesn’t want to feel jealous about it but he can’t help it. “Something that affects you?” he asks, because maybe it’s something that Tommy needs to know before he goes into work tomorrow and Buck is reading this completely wrong.
“Nah,” Tommy says and steps up to Buck and grabs his arm to turn him around to steer him back inside the house. “It was just about a cool rescue he did.”
“Right.”
Buck starts to turn to go back to the living room when Tommy slinks both arms around his waist and presses in close. “We don’t have to keep watching that, do we?” he asks, voice dropping an octave as he presses his lips against Buck’s neck. “We could do something more fun.”
Buck shivers a little but it’s not a good feeling and he squirms to get out of Tommy’s arms. He doesn’t let go immediately and it annoys him. “I actually want to finish watching it,” he says, voice sharp, and he can picture the way Tommy’s eyebrows raise. Surprise and offense taking over his face like it always does when Buck doesn’t go along with him perfectly.
“Alright,” he says easily and it makes Buck’s shoulders tense because he knows he’s being ridiculous and Tommy obviously thinks so too.
Buck still snatches up the remote aggressively and presses play as he settles in the corner of the couch. He crosses his arms over his chest, refusing to look at Tommy even though he can feel his eyes burning into the side of his face.
“Alright, seriously,” Tommy says after a few minutes, clearly frustrated. “What’s wrong now?”
“Nothing,” Buck says, staring intently at the screen.
“Are you really upset that I don’t want to watch your stupid documentary?” he asks and Buck feels it when he shuffles over on the couch to come closer.
“It’s not stupid,” he says defensively. “It’s interesting.”
“Well, I’m sorry I don’t think so,” Tommy says but the gentleness in his voice sounds wrong. He slings his arm around Buck’s shoulders and pulls until he leans against him. “But I’m watching it with you, aren’t I?”
“How long would you have stayed out there if I hadn’t come looking for you?” Buck asks and he doesn’t mean for it to come out so pitiful but it does.
Tommy lets out a heavy sigh. “You’re so dramatic. It’s just a documentary.”
It’s true, so with a sigh of his own Buck forces himself to relax against Tommy. He needs to learn how to stop making a big deal out of nothing. Buck might have been thinking of ending things, but if he keeps acting like this Tommy will be the one to leave and he doesn’t want that. He won’t be able to handle it if he makes yet another relationship fall apart. He wants this to work and it definitely won’t if he keeps annoying Tommy like he so often does.
He picks up the remote and pauses to see how far they got - not even halfway - before turning off the TV. After a moment he turns to look at Tommy and gives him an apologetic smile. “We can do something more fun.”
Tommy smirks when Buck stands and holds his hand out to help him up. He smacks Buck on the ass as they make their way to the bedroom and Buck yelps and laughs a little awkwardly as hastens his steps. He hates it when Tommy does that.
It’s difficult to find time to see Eddie when they work different shifts but Buck does his best to keep in touch even though Eddie doesn’t. He doesn’t let it deter him though, because he knows Eddie is depressed as hell and spends most of his free time just laying in bed, hating himself. Buck wishes he could do more but he heads over to his place every week with microwaveable meals that he hopes Eddie eats. He helps him do his laundry and waves away Eddie’s apologies with an easy smile and reassurances that he knows Eddie doesn’t believe.
Somehow, he manages to convince Eddie to go out to a bar with him on one of the nights they both have off and he frowns at the dark circles under his eyes. Tommy was pissed about it because they had intended to meet up tonight and Buck canceled on him when Eddie sent a text agreeing to come to the bar. Buck had asked Eddie two days ago and assumed that the lack of response was a no and made the plans with Tommy. It was crappy of Buck to cancel on him, but he feared that Eddie would pull away more if Buck was the one who said no to meeting up. He’ll just have to explain that to Tommy and everything will be fine.
After two beers he gets Eddie to pull out his phone and helps him make an appointment with Frank, because apparently Eddie had been lying to him about going to therapy. It was Bobby who’d initially discovered this when he’d gone over to see Eddie and found him sobbing in Christopher’s room. Buck is glad that Bobby had been the one who walked in on that because he’s sure he would have broken down right there alongside Eddie if it’d been him. He also misses Chris like crazy.
“It’s not forever,” Buck says for what feels like the millionth time as he gets them a water each. He didn’t take Eddie out to get hammered. He just wanted to get him out of the house for a bit. “He just needs some time.”
“He hates me,” Eddie says miserably. “I’ve messed up with him so many times and this…”
“You think you failed him,” Buck says and Eddie gives him a look as if to say ‘duh’. “You’ve failed him before.”
“Not really making me feel better here, Buck,” Eddie says and takes a swig from his glass and then frowns down at it, not having realized it wasn’t another beer.
“But you love him enough to never stop fighting for him,” Buck says and Eddie looks at him, eyes wide and surprised. It’s been years since Eddie said that to Buck but he hasn’t forgotten, and, clearly, neither has Eddie. “Right?”
Eddie is silent for a while, sipping his water. “I don’t know how to fix this.”
“So you’re just going to give up on him?” Buck asks because he needs Eddie to start believing that Chris will come back. He doesn’t expect it to come easy but he needs him to at least entertain the idea of it.
“Not him,” Eddie says and shakes his head. “Might give up on me though.”
“Eddie,” Buck says his name with a sigh.
“Seriously,” Eddie says with a horrible chuckle. It sounds sick, infected with something horribly vile. “I could just…” He puts two fingers to his temple, hand shaped like a gun and then flicks them up as if taking a shot and Buck…
Buck stops breathing.
He’s thrown back to that day when Chris called him, yelling about something being wrong with his dad. That same fear makes his heart lurch and he feels like he could throw up. “Don’t say that.” His voice comes out hoarse and Eddie looks over at him, the mean grin on his lips falling instantly. “Don’t-”
“I was joking,” Eddie says quickly, defensively.
“Don’t joke about that,” Buck snaps and Eddie frowns. “You can’t-” Buck chokes on nothing, tries to breathe but he can’t get his lungs to cooperate. “You-”
“Hey, Buck,” Eddie says, hand coming to rest on his forearm and squeezing tightly. “I’m sorry. It was a bad joke. I would never… I’d never do that to Chris, or you.”
Buck focuses on the heat of Eddie’s palm on his skin, reminding himself that Eddie is here. He agreed to come out to have a drink and has made an appointment with a therapist and he’s just sad and miserable right now but he won’t be forever. Buck is going to make sure of that if it so kills him.
“I thought you did,” Buck says once he’s got his breathing back under control and Eddie lets out a confused noise. “When you tore apart your room,” he starts and sees the shame flicker in Eddie’s eyes. “I came in and I couldn’t see you from the doorway and it was so quiet…”
Eddie’s grip tightens on Buck’s arm. “Shit,” he says and Buck snorts despite himself.
“Yeah,” Buck says. “That just about sums it up.”
“I’m so sorry.” Buck can tell that Eddie means it but it doesn’t do anything to push down the fear that had been lying dormant until now.
“You can’t kill yourself, Eddie,” Buck croaks and tries to convey just how important this fact of life is by locking eyes with Eddie and willing him to get it. He doesn’t think Eddie does. “I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I’d probably follow you right into the grave if you did.”
“Buck-” Eddie sounds utterly horrified. “No- You-”
“I’d blame myself and you know I don’t do well with guilt.” It shouldn’t be so easy to admit this but Buck knows Eddie and he knows that he cares more about others than himself. Perhaps it’s manipulative and cruel but Buck needs Eddie to understand how not okay it is for him to ever do that.
“I wouldn’t do it.” A tear slips down Eddie’s face and Buck watches him wipe it away quickly, but another replaces it just as fast. Chris leaving cracked him open, made all of Eddie’s vulnerable bits exposed, and he didn’t seem to know how to put the walls back up. Buck hates it as much as he likes being able to see what Eddie is feeling so clearly. “I’m so sorry.”
“Just don’t do it.” Buck twists on the stool to pull him into a hug and if he clutches on too tightly, Eddie doesn’t say anything about it. In fact, he holds on to Buck just as tightly.
Buck orders them another round of beer and when Eddie goes to use the bathroom to wash the tears off his face Buck gets himself two shots and downs them quickly. The bartender is good, he notes, because he takes away the empty shot glasses when he catches Buck glancing towards the men’s room. Buck nods his thanks and makes a mental note to tip him well.
“I’m sorry I’m such a mess,” Eddie says when he sits back down.
“Don’t be,” Buck says and leans over to bump their shoulders together. “With everything that’s happened I’d be more concerned if you didn’t end up crying each time we hung out.”
“Gee, thanks,” Eddie says, but he’s smiling a little. It’s a win, even though it’s a sad smile. “What’s been going on with you? I feel like I haven’t asked in ages.”
Buck shrugs. He considers telling Eddie that he misses Christopher too, and that he worries about how he’s doing in Texas so much he has trouble sleeping sometimes, but Eddie clearly doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. “Gerrard is an asshole,” he says instead, and Eddie snorts into his glass since he just went to take a sip. “You’re lucky he put you on B-shift cause you would not have been able to handle him this week.”
“Excuse me?” Eddie looks at him in disbelief. “I was fine that first week before he threw us around the first time.”
“You were fine because you were apathetic,” Buck points out.
“Where did you learn that fancy word?” Eddie shoots back.
“Therapy,” Buck deadpans. “Seriously, I’m not sure if you would break down sobbing if you had to deal with him now or if you’d just knock him out. Either way, you’d be out of a job.”
“Very funny,” Eddie says and Buck grins at him. “How are things going with Tommy?”
Buck waves at the bartender and holds up his empty beer glass and the man nods quickly before setting about getting Buck another one. “Things are fine,” Buck tells Eddie and pretends not to notice the look Eddie is giving him as he thanks the bartender. “Great, honestly.”
“That sounded so believable.” Buck glances at him as he gulps down half his beer and… yeah, that’s probably not supporting his claim. “What’s up?” Eddie asks, looking both amused and concerned.
“It’s nothing,” Buck says, setting the glass down with a loud thunk and Eddie rolls his wrist with his palm open as if to say ‘keep going’. “I just… I don’t think he likes me very much.”
“Really?” Eddie scoffs. “So why has he been dating you for, what? Two months now?”
“Almost,” Buck mumbles. “He wanted you first though.”
“What?”
“He took you to Vegas, Eddie,” Buck reminds him and Eddie tilts his head to the side in confusion. “That was him taking you on a date.”
“No it wasn’t,” Eddie says, eyes wide. “Was it?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it was.” Buck can’t help but laugh because it had taken him a minute to figure that one out too. “And then I think he realized you don’t swing that way and so he settled for me.”
“Buck…” Eddie looks sad. “Don’t think like that. He wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t want to be. He barely knew either of us back then and now he’s had plenty of time to get to know you and see how great you are.”
Then why does he always sigh when I talk? Buck thinks but doesn’t say. And why does he only touch me out of his own volition when he wants to fuck?
“Yeah.” Buck shrugs and downs the rest of his beer.
Eddie puts his hand on his shoulder to get him to look over at him. “Don’t let your insecurities ruin a good thing, man. Tommy likes you.”
Buck manages a smile at that but it feels brittle. “Yeah,” he says again. “You’re probably right.”
Buck is halfway through a 24 hour shift when he gets a text from Christopher.
→ don’t tell dad I texted you
→ Hi Chris! I’m so glad to
hear from you!
→ Why don’t you want me to
tell your dad?
→ cause I haven’t replied to the
messages he’s sent me
→ I can’t
→ not yet
→ Okay, buddy
→ Why’d you text me?
→ how is he?
→ he really misses you
→ and feels guilty for what he did
→ I miss you a lot too
→ is he sad?
→ Yeah, he is
→ so I should come home?
→ We’d love it if you came home
→ But if you’re not ready to do that yet you
shouldn’t rush yourself
→ You need to do what’s best for you, bud <3
→ I miss him but I’m still upset and angry
→ I don’t think I’d make dad less sad if
I came home
→ Are you sad too?
→ yeah
→ Would you be less sad if you came home?
→ no
→ I think I’d be more sad too
→ Then I think you need some more time
to process everything that happened
→ Are you talking to anyone about this?
→ I’m talking to you
→ I mean someone in person
→ no
→ Could you send me your Grandma's or
Grandad's number?
→ why?
→ I think you should talk to a therapist
→ It helped after the tsunami and when
your dad got shot, remember?
→ yeah
→ Contact shared: Grandma
→ Thank you buddy, I’ll talk to her about it,
okay?
→ okay, thank you
→ I miss you too Buck
Helena Diaz is surprisingly cooperative when Buck calls her after he gets off his shift. Apparently Chris had told her that he’d contacted Buck so she’d been expecting his call. He had texted Carla earlier to see if she knew which therapist Chris had seen before and luckily she’d had the contact information sent over by the time Buck called Helena. They spoke for a good hour, Buck arguing that it would be good for Chris to speak to someone he was familiar with even though it was digitally, while Helena claimed that their pastor could speak with the boy about what he was struggling with.
In the end, Buck had asked her to put Chris on the phone, allowing him to ask him directly what he’d prefer, and was relieved when he said he’d like to speak to his old therapist. Helena seemed peeved by it, but she promised to book an appointment for Chris, and Buck told him to tell him how it went. In part because he genuinely wanted to know, and in part because he wanted to be sure that Helena actually went through with it.
After it was done, Buck immediately passed out on his bed for eight hours. He was exhausted. Gerrard seemed to get an abnormal amount of satisfaction forcing Buck to do the majority of the chores around the station and made him do all the heavy lifting while on calls. The other guys on shift helped him out, though, as much as they could without getting caught. They didn’t want to be put on Gerrard’s radar too and Buck didn’t blame them. He appreciates that they do what they can even though he isn’t particularly close with them.
Buck is also very appreciative of the fact that Hen, Chim, and Eddie didn’t have to deal with the bullshit that was working under the old captain. Hen was so busy fighting to get custody of Mara, and Chimney was still adjusting to suddenly having two kids in the house rather than just one. At least this way they didn’t have to suffer under the same treatment they had in the past. Buck could handle the load for now, holding on to hope that Bobby was going to be reinstated soon and make things go back to normal.
Tommy comes over a little later in the afternoon with takeout, which prompts Buck to kiss him on the cheek before snatching the bag out of his hand. He’s starving and hasn’t had the energy to cook for himself in the two hours since he woke up. The noodle wok he scarfs down while Tommy chats about his day is devine and he moans exaggeratedly when Tommy says he eats like a pig.
“Can’t help it,” Buck says with a grin after he’s swallowed his admittedly too large bite. “I barely had time to eat at work with all the shit Gerrard piled on me.”
“You have a little something there,” Tommy says and points to his own cheek, and Buck quickly grabs a napkin to wipe the broccoli off his face. “I’m glad you like it but maybe try to eat like a civilized person. I lost my appetite.”
Buck freezes with his chopsticks halfway to his mouth and lowers them to pick up a smaller amount of noodles. “Sorry,” he mumbles and Tommy smiles but nods approvingly at the more appropriate sized bite.
“I talked to Chris today,” Buck says when they’re rinsing out the takeout containers and putting away the dishes. Tommy lets out a surprised hum. “He texted me asking how Eddie was.”
“That’s a good sign,” Tommy says. “Does that mean he’s ready to come back?”
“I uh- sort of told him not to,” Buck admits and feels his stomach churn with guilt when Tommy looks over at him with a frown. “He asked if he should come back because Eddie was sad and I asked him if that would be good for him and he said no. So I told him that maybe he still needed some time…”
Tommy nods slowly. “How did Eddie take that?”
Shit. “I haven’t told him.” Buck hadn’t had the time to properly think this through. He’d barely had a moment’s rest at work and then when he got back he’d been so focused on dealing with Helena he didn’t stop to consider how Eddie would feel about this. “Chris asked me not to,” he adds, only now remembering the important detail.
“So you’re respecting that,” Tommy says, still frowning a little.
“But Eddie should know, though, right?” Tommy shrugs and Buck stares at him helplessly. “Seriously, what am I supposed to do here?”
Tommy just steps up to him and pulls him into a hug but doesn’t say anything and Buck’s chest is starting to feel tight with anxiety. He shakily wraps his arms around Tommy in the hopes that it will steady him but he needs him to actually tell him what to think. The silence is making this worse. Buck pulls away to ask Tommy again, but before he has the chance to speak Tommy is kissing him gently. He’s trying to offer comfort, Buck thinks, but it’s not what he needs so he backs out of his arms.
“Eddie deserves to know that Chris reached out,” he says. “He’d want to know, it would give him some hope. Right?”
“Probably,” Tommy says and approaches again, running his palms up and down Buck’s arms.
“But maybe it would make him feel worse?” Buck says, shivering a little at the touch. “Like, that Chris didn’t ask him. And he’ll probably be pissed at me for telling Chris to wait until he was ready.”
“You did the right thing,” Tommy says and puts his fingers under Buck’s chin to tilt his head up from where he was looking at their feet. “You don’t need to worry so much.”
And then he’s pressing their lips together and it’s instinct to kiss back, but Buck isn’t done yet. He can’t just not worry. That’s simply not something he’s capable of. “But what if-”
“Are you going to talk about this all night?” Tommy cuts him off and Buck reels back as if he got hit.
“What the fuck?” he asks because, seriously, why does Tommy not care about this? He’s Eddie’s friend too for fuck’s sake. And he’s met Christopher. “How can you ask that?”
“Oh my god.” Tommy takes a step back and rolls his eyes. “I was just asking to know if I should go take care of this on my own or if you’re gonna be useful.”
Buck looks at him confused before he sees that Tommy is gesturing to the bulge in his pants. He feels fucking sick. How can Tommy be turned on right now? And how the hell can he think that Buck would want to do anything about it after what he just talked about? Buck looks up at his face and sees Tommy looking at him as if he’s the one being ridiculous.
“Is that all you want me for?” he asks, shaking his head in disbelief.
“What?” Tommy asks, just as disbelieving. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I feel like all we do is fuck,” Buck says, probably too loud if the way Tommy glances at the cracked open window is anything to go by. “We never talk about anything real and when I try to, you don’t even seem to care! You just start touching me-”
“What do you want me to do?” Tommy snaps, voice dark. “This situation with Eddie and Chris is fucked up and if I tell you to do one thing or the other and it goes to shit you’re gonna blame me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here.”
“Maybe not try to have sex when I’m upset!” Buck yells and Tommy raises his hands as if surrendering. “Besides, I wouldn’t blame you. I just… I just wanted some support.”
“Not sure I believe that,” Tommy says and Buck gapes at him. “With the way you reacted to me not wanting to watch a movie I seriously doubt you’d be rational and not blame me if things went pear shaped. You’re quite emotional, Evan.”
“What is wrong with you?” Buck hisses and Tommy is still looking at him as if he’s being unreasonable.
He isn’t though. Is he?
“Maybe I should just go,” Tommy says, jaw clenching unhappily and eyes suddenly swimming with sadness. “You clearly don’t want me here.”
Buck turns to watch him leave and he panics. He doesn’t want to be alone and maybe he was blowing this out of proportion. Tommy was just trying to offer support without risking giving Buck bad advice. He wasn’t wrong when he said the situation was fucked up and maybe Buck was asking too much of Tommy right now.
“Wait!” He strides towards where Tommy’s halted by the door. He grabs his wrist. “Don’t go.” It takes a moment for Tommy to turn around and Buck is so sure that he’s going to leave anyway. But he does turn around and the look in his eyes is gentle even though he’s still frowning a little. “Please, don’t go.”
“I don’t want to fight,” Tommy says.
Buck nods. “I don’t want to fight either.”
“Then can we stop talking about this?” he suggests and puts a hand on Buck’s arm, sliding it up slowly until it’s resting where his neck meets his shoulder, thumb stroking along the side of his throat. “Please.”
“Okay,” Buck says and allows himself to melt into Tommy’s kiss even though he’s really not in the mood.
He just doesn’t want him to leave and if this is what it takes for him to stay, then so be it.
When Buck is brought to the hospital after an accident on a call he is somewhat proud to say that it wasn’t his fault. He had followed orders perfectly and had radioed in when he spotted the flames traveling towards the fuel tanks in the corner of the underground garage. No one could have predicted they’d be there and when the tanks blew he had already been evacuating but the roof was unstable and he got knocked down.
His team had been able to get him out quickly though and had brought him to the hospital before heading back to the station. No one stayed with him as the doctor assessed his injuries; two cracked ribs and a mild concussion. He’d been lucky, all things considered.
“Do you want us to call your emergency contact?” a nurse asked him and Buck shook his head which made the room spin a little.
Eddie probably wouldn’t handle the stress of getting a call from a hospital all that well, even though they’d just be asking him to come pick him up. It was better if Buck called him himself so that Eddie wouldn’t worry for even a second that Buck wasn’t alright. He grabbed his turnout coat that was laying on the bed next to him and rooted around for his phone and was relieved to find that it was undamaged. Usually he wouldn’t bring his phone out on calls but he wanted to make sure he wouldn’t leave Chris hanging for too long if he messaged him again.
Buck falters when he scrolls through his contacts. Shouldn't he be calling his boyfriend for this? He would want to know if Tommy was hurt so that he could come take care of him. The reverse should be true as well, so he decides to call him instead of Eddie.
He answers after a couple rings. “Hey, Evan. What’s up?”
“Hey,” he says slowly, unsure of how to break the news. He doesn’t often have to make this call himself since someone on the team would usually stay with him if he had to get checked out at the hospital on the job. “So… I’m in the hospital.”
“You okay?” Tommy asks quickly and Buck can picture his spine going straight in attention.
“Yeah, just a couple cracked ribs and a concussion,” Buck assures and smiles at the relieved breath he hears Tommy let out. “I was just wondering if you could come pick me up?”
“Ah,” Tommy says. “I’m just about to go for a flight with a buddy of mine.”
“Oh.”
“Sorry,” he says. “You can take a taxi, can’t you?”
“Yeah, uh- Sure.”
“I’ll come over later and I’ll take good care of you, promise!” And then he hangs up.
It takes a minute for Buck to pull the phone away from his ear and then he stares at the black screen for another minute. He shakes his head to clear it but it makes the pain spike as the world starts spinning. Once it stops, he unlocks his phone and pulls up his contacts again. Eddie isn’t working today and can come drive him home. It’s not like he does anything in his free time anymore.
“Hey,” Eddie says when he picks up. He sounds groggy and Buck smiles a little as he imagines his sleep tousled hair.
“Hi.”
“What’s up?”
“I’m fine,” Buck starts, just to make sure Eddie doesn’t freak out. “But I’m in the hospital.”
There’s the sound of sheets rustling. “What happened?” Eddie asks, sounding freaked out.
“Just got pelted with some rubble,” Buck says and tries to put as much easiness into his tone as he can. “Cracked ribs and a concussion. But I could use a ride?”
“I’ll be right there,” Eddie says instantly. “What hospital?”
“Good Samaritan.”
“On my way.”
While Buck waits he gives the station a call to give an update on his status and lets them know he’s been ordered to stay home for a week and then stay on light duty for a month. Usually he would have been upset about this turn of events, but as it is, he’s kind of looking forward to it. He won’t have to see Gerrard for a week and after that he won’t be able to pile on Buck’s workload as much as he has been.
Eddie is out of breath when he rushes into the emergency room and Buck shakes his head - slowly this time - in disbelief. He didn’t have to rush to get here. Buck was fine. But it seems like Eddie couldn’t believe that until he saw it for himself because he only starts to look calm when he gets a good look at him. He also pesters the nurse who comes over with the sign-out forms about Buck’s condition as if he didn’t really trust that Buck had been telling the truth. Buck can’t bring himself to be offended by it.
“Let’s get you home,” Eddie says and helps Buck stand, frowning when he lets out a groan of pain the movement causes his ribs. “Do we need to pick up painkillers?”
“Yeah.” Buck nods. “Got a prescription.”
Buck blinks in and out of consciousness on the drive and is surprised that they’re at the Diaz house and not his loft when they pull to a stop. He doesn’t question it, though, and allows Eddie to help him inside. He’s directed to take a shower and ordered to keep the bathroom door unlocked. When he comes out there are sweats sitting on the closed toilet lid and when he pads out of the bathroom he sees Eddie changing the sheets on his bed.
“It’s been a while,” Eddie says sheepishly when he catches Buck watching him. “I figured you wouldn’t want to sleep in my dirty bed.”
“You’re nasty,” Buck says and Eddie rolls his eyes but gets back to work. “I’d be fine on the couch tho-”
“You’re not sleeping on the couch with cracked ribs,” Eddie interrupts and then strides over to pull him to the bed as if Buck would go so far as to resist it. “Meds and water, then you can sleep.”
“Yes sir.” He gives a salute and does as told. He smiles fondly when Eddie settles on the other side of the bed with a book, back resting against the headboard, but abandons it for a moment when he sees Buck pull out his phone to snatch it out of his hand. He takes concussion-watch very seriously.
“No screens,” Eddie says and Buck pouts at him. There’s a beat of silence and then he speaks up again. “Did you tell Tommy?”
“Yeah, I called him before you,” Buck says and something odd flickers across Eddie’s face. Buck is too tired to make sense of it so he closes his eyes. “He was going to fly with a friend so he couldn’t come pick me up.”
“What?”
“Can you tell him I’m here?” Buck says around a yawn. “He said he’d come over after he was done.”
“Yeah,” Eddie says, voice tight. “I’ll tell him.”
Buck doesn’t remember falling asleep but he wakes up to the sound of a text notification and blinks his eyes open. He looks around confusedly until he finds Eddie, staring down at his phone. No. At Buck’s phone. He feels panic course through him before he even understands why. And when he does, he sits bolt upright only for his head to start pounding and his stomach rolling. He gags and in an instant Eddie has a plastic bag in front of his mouth to vomit into.
The panic doesn’t ease even when Eddie leaves to get rid of the bag and comes back with a water bottle for him. He doesn’t say a word and Buck can’t bring himself to look at him. Fuck. He can practically feel the anger emanating from Eddie in waves and there’s only one reason he’d be this pissed at Buck.
“Chris texted you,” Eddie says and throws Buck’s phone into his lap.
“Eddie,” Buck says but can’t come up with anything more than that.
“How long?” Eddie asks sharply. “I only saw the preview but he was talking about fucking Fortnite so it’s not a new development that you’re talking to him.”
“A week,” Buck says and chances a glance at Eddie and immediately regrets it. He looks furious. “He asked me not to tell you.”
“A week?” Eddie echoes, sounding utterly betrayed. “How could you? I’ve been wondering how he’s doing since he’s left and you’ve been in contact with him for a whole fucking week and didn’t tell me?”
“I’m sorry,” Buck says and blinks against the tears gathering in his eyes. “I wanted to tell you but I also wanted to respect his choice. He misses you, you know?”
“Then why hasn’t he responded to me?” Eddie asks and it’s as if all the anger has bled out of him and only left a husk of heartbreak in its wake. Buck doesn’t know how to fix it.
“He needs more time,” Buck tells him. “He’s talking to his therapist because he wants to come home but he still needs to process this. Away from…”
“Away from me,” Eddie fills in where Buck trailed off and Buck wipes away the tear that spilled down his cheek quickly. There’s a beat of silence and then: “He’s speaking to his therapist?”
Buck nods. “I suggested it and got in contact with your mom and we arranged it.”
“You what?” At least Eddie doesn’t sound mad about it. Just shocked.
“She thought he could talk to the pastor but I got her to listen to what Chris wanted.” Buck sucks in a heavy breath before looking at Eddie again. His eyes are wide, staring at Buck as if he’s never seen him before. “I’m sorry if I overstepped but I just wanted to make sure he could talk to someone unbiased… Someone who could understand and help him.”
Eddie shakes his head in disbelief and Buck braces for an outburst but it doesn’t come. Eddie lurches forward and wraps his arms around him. It’s awkward and Buck groans when he tries to turn to return the surprising embrace, and it makes Eddie pull back, remembering that Buck is injured.
“Sorry,” he says.
“It’s fine,” Buck says, feeling confused by Eddie’s reaction. “I’m just sore.”
“Not for that,” Eddie says. “For getting mad at you. Thank you… For helping Chris like that.”
“Oh.” Buck rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. “You know I love that kid.”
“Yeah, I do,” Eddie says softly. “I’m so glad you have his back.”
“He has mine too,” Buck says and grins a little dopily. Eddie mutters something in Spanish under his breath but he’s smiling too.
“Seriously though.” Eddie says, sombering. “I’m sorry for getting mad at you…”
“I get it, Eddie,” Buck says and pats him on the leg. “It’s Chris, and you’ve been worried sick about him. Of course you were going to be upset about me hiding this.”
“But you still did it,” Eddie points out.
“Like I said: I love that kid.”
Tommy’s been acting strange in the two weeks since he came to pick Buck up from Eddie’s house. Buck couldn’t exactly put into words what was strange but there was just… something off. He was gentle with Buck, but that wasn’t really anything brand new, and it made sense that they couldn’t be as rough as they usually were with Buck’s ribs still healing. There was something else that was different about him but Buck didn’t know what.
It isn’t a bad kind of different, Buck thinks, but it left him feeling uncomfortable whenever Tommy was around - more so than usual. Bobby was back as captain again and everyone was on the same shift and it was great. It sort of made up for the way Tommy was acting - or rather, the way Buck was feeling, in response to the way he was acting. It was so weird and when Buck considered talking to Bobby about it the words just got stuck somewhere between his brain and his mouth and stayed there. It was frustrating as hell, but maybe it was a sign. He didn’t want to make a big deal out of nothing.
He especially didn’t want to bring up his problems now when things were finally starting to look up for everyone. Hen and Karen were finally going to get custody of Mara and that would lighten the load off of Maddie and Chimney - not that they’d been complaining, they’d loved having Mara stay with them, but it wasn’t where the little girl was supposed to be. Buck was not ashamed to admit that he cried when Hen told them the news that the judge had ruled in their favor and he did not mind everyone teasing him about it.
“You’re so emotional,” Chimney had said, though, and it left a sour taste in his mouth. But then Hen had hugged him and told him that it was sweet that he showed how much he cared. She’d also called him a crybaby in the same breath but Buck chose to ignore that part.
And then there was the greatest development in their little family—Christopher had called Eddie. They talked every other day, and while Buck knew that it wasn’t all sunshine and roses, it was something. Eddie looked wrecked on the days after he’d spoken to his son but his shoulders were no longer permanently slumped like they had been. Both of them were trying to make sure they were better when Chris eventually came back, but Eddie was growing tired of waiting and couldn’t quite get rid of the fear that Chris would change his mind about reconnecting.
Buck wasn’t worried about that though. He knew how much those two loved each other and they were fighters through and through; they wouldn’t give up on each other that easily.
“What’re you smiling about?” Tommy asks as he comes up the stairs in the loft, only wearing his sweats and towel hung over his neck.
“Just thinking about the fact that Chris might come home soon,” Buck says with a grin.
“How long has he been gone now?” Tommy asks as he lays down in bed next to Buck.
“Six weeks,” Buck says. “Has felt like years though.”
“So dramatic,” Tommy says with a scoff as he puts his hand under Buck’s shirt to caress his stomach. “Why do you always have to exaggerate everything?”
“I don’t,” Buck protests even as he wills himself to not cringe at the touch. He flinches when Tommy’s hand travels up further to play with his nipple. “Tommy, not tonight-”
“Come on. I know you love this.” Buck does. He can feel himself start to get hard, but he’s tired and he doesn’t want to have sex tonight. “We can be quick if you’re really so exhausted.” He says the last word as if Buck was lying.
“Stop,” Buck snaps and grabs Tommy’s wrist to pull his hand off of him. “Why do you never listen?”
“Excuse me?” Tommy says and sits up. Buck mirrors him. “You expect me to believe you don’t want this?”
Buck curses the fact that he’s only in his briefs, his semi clearly visible through the tight fabric. “Can’t help my body’s reaction.”
“No, but you’re damn easy if I just give an extra nudge,” Tommy says with a shrug as if completely unaware of how offensive that is. “I know you like playing hard to get, but you don’t have to pretend with me.”
Buck stares at him, trying to see where the man he’d fallen for in the beginning had gone. The confidence was still there, and the appearance too, obviously, but there wasn’t much else. He still made Buck laugh sometimes, but their sense of humor didn’t always match, and Buck’s heart didn’t flutter the way it used to when Tommy took control of everything. It used to make him feel safe and he doesn’t know when that changed.
“I-” Buck is cut off by his phone vibrating and he’s honestly glad for it because he has no idea what he was about to say. He picks it up and gets off the bed as he swipes his thumb to answer the call. “Hello?”
“Buck,” Eddie says and Buck freezes, feeling his blood go cold. Eddie sounds like he’s crying.
“What’s wrong?” There’s only sniffling on the other end of the line. “Eddie? What happened?”
“He hates me, Buck,” Eddie cries. “He doesn’t want to come home. He doesn’t ever want to see me again. He hates me!”
“No Eddie, he doesn’t-” There’s the sound of something breaking and he hears Eddie grunt in pain. “Eddie? What are you doing?”
“What’s the fucking point?” he yells and Buck thinks he hears porcelain shatter. “He’s never coming home!”
Buck picks his sweatpants up from where he’d left them on the floor and puts them on quickly, phone held in place between his head and shoulder. Eddie’s still yelling and breaking things but he doesn’t seem to be close to the phone anymore.
“Eddie! I’m coming! Okay?” he yells, hoping he’ll hear him. He turns and finds Tommy in his way. He pushes past him easily and sprints down the stairs, snatching up his car keys on the way. He’s still yelling into the phone as he stuffs his bare feet into his sneakers. “I’m on my way! I’ll be right there, okay?”
Right when he reaches for the door handle, Buck is pushed forward and he has to catch himself against the door to avoid smashing his face into it. He whips around to look at Tommy in disbelief but falters at the anger on his face. “You’re just going to leave?” Tommy asks, voice hard.
“Eddie needs me.” Buck doesn’t have time for this. He bends to pick up the phone he dropped when he was pushed only for Tommy to grab him by the shoulders and push him back against the door. He moans at the pain of his still store ribs connecting with the wood.
“And you think I don’t?” Tommy snaps, fingers digging painfully into his shoulders.
“Not like this!” Buck yells. “He might be hurting himself. I need to go to him.”
“Then call 9-1-1,” Tommy shoots back.
“I might call them on you!” Buck snaps as he pushes Tommy away from him harshly. He picks up his phone and glares when Tommy grabs him by the arm to keep him still.
“You’re being ridiculous,” Tommy hisses and Buck rips his arm out of his grip.
“I’m leaving,” Buck tells him and doesn’t waste another second to get the fuck out of there.
He curses when he sees that the call with Eddie disconnected and he sprints down the stairs to get to his car, not willing to wait for the elevator. Eddie had promised him that he wouldn’t kill himself but whatever happened tonight could have changed that. Why the hell hadn’t he told anyone else about what Eddie had said that night in the bar? If they knew they could have made sure someone was around each time Eddie talked to Chris, to make sure the talks didn’t send him spiraling like this. Fuck!
Buck drove like a fucking madman and he could have caused about a dozen accidents but when he made it to Eddie’s in fifteen minutes and no crashes, he found that he didn’t care. He ran to the door and luckily it was unlocked.
“Eddie!” he yells, feeling nauseous by the sense of deja vu as he takes in the mess that wasn’t confined to just one room this time. “Eddie?”
“I’m here,” Eddie calls out, and Buck follows the voice. He thinks he breathes properly for the first time since Eddie called just then, because he feels lightheaded as he sinks to his knees in front of the other man. “I’m sorry.”
Buck shakes his head and grabs Eddie by the shoulders to hug him close. He can’t speak, the fear in his throat making it stay tight. Eddie shudders in his arms, whispering apologies as he clutches onto Buck as if he’s the only thing keeping him from drowning. Buck rubs his hands up and down his back, hoping it brings some comfort, but he’s mostly just doing it to reassure himself that Eddie is here and alive.
Eventually, after too long, probably, Buck gets them off the floor and onto the couch. He grabs paper towels and a water bottle each before he settles on the couch next to Eddie and forces him to drink half of it. Silently, he wets a paper towel and wipes Eddie’s tear streaked face before turning his attention to his hands. The knuckles are bruised and there’s a cut on his left hand but it’s not deep so Buck makes a mental note to take care of it later.
“What happened?” Buck asks and Eddie looks down at his lap.
“It’s not just Kim,” Eddie starts and Buck frowns, confused. “He’s not just upset about that.”
“What else is there?” Buck asks.
“Today it was the fact that I left him as a baby,” Eddie says and he leans forward and puts his face in his hands. His breaths become shaky as he tries not to cry. “He yelled at me. Told me I should be happy he was in Texas because I hadn’t even wanted him to begin with; that I left him first.”
“Oh, Eddie…”
Eddie raises his head and he looks utterly devastated. “He thinks there was even a moment when I didn’t want him, Buck.” His face contorts as a sob escapes and Buck pulls him back into his arms. “How can I call myself his dad when I made him think that?”
“You left for their sake, Eddie,” Buck reminds him, rubbing his back. “You needed an income and you were young and-”
“I left for my sake too,” Eddie interrupts. “I was so scared and the military was an escape. I tried to run from them.”
“And it was a mistake,” Buck says after a moment, letting Eddie’s admission hang in the air for a bit. “Right? And you came back to them.” He feels Eddie nod against his shoulder. “People are allowed to make mistakes, Eddie. As long as you try to do better, and that is all you ever do for Chris.”
“I don’t know how to make this better, though.” Eddie pulls away and looks at Buck pleadingly, as if he can tell him how to do it. Buck doesn’t know either. “What if he never comes home?”
“He will,” Buck says because he’s sure of that. Chris may be working through a lot of things with his therapist right now but he is working through it. He’s doing it in order to come back. “He may be angry but he misses you. He wants to come home.”
It doesn’t matter how many times Buck tells him this, Eddie won’t believe it until Chris is back in this house. So he just pulls Eddie back in and holds him together as much as he can. Eventually they get up and start cleaning up the living room, picking up the shattered glass and plates by the coffee table and then pushing it aside because the leg of it has come off. Buck doesn’t know what exactly Eddie did to cause this mess but he doesn’t ask, just makes sure to help him clean it up.
He gets the store bought lasagne out of the freezer and puts it in the oven when Eddie’s stomach growls and then sits with Eddie on the couch as they wait for it to heat up. Wordlessly, Eddie gives Buck the remote and he takes it, glances at the crack in the corner of the TV screen and is relieved when it turns on despite it.
“What do you want to watch?” Buck asks and Eddie shrugs.
“Anything, I just- want a distraction,” he says and Buck starts flicking through the options. He can’t bring himself to pick anything, abnormally worried that it will be something Eddie doesn’t want to see. “You mentioned that documentary about the Octopus,” Eddie suggests. “We can watch that.”
“Are you sure?” Buck asks and his heart does a weird flip when Eddie offers a weak smile and a nod.
“You said you’ve had it on your watchlist for weeks but haven’t gotten around to it.” Buck stares at him; he can’t believe that Eddie remembers that. “What?”
Buck shakes his head and forces himself to look away. “Nothing.”
Usually Buck and Eddie would sit on opposite sides of the couch when they watch TV, but today they’re pressed against each other, shoulder to shoulder. Buck thinks about Tommy and wonders how he’d feel if he saw this. He knows that he and Eddie are closer than most best friends - tactile and emotionally intimate - and considers that Tommy might be uncomfortable with it. Buck would sure as hell be worried if Tommy had a friend like that and suddenly his anger earlier makes a little more sense.
It doesn’t mean Buck isn’t still pissed at him for the way he tried to stop him from leaving, but, like he told Eddie earlier, people are allowed to make mistakes. He needs to talk to him about what happened. If Tommy doesn’t apologize for what he did, he’s going to have to break up with him and Buck feels a little shitty for how little he feels considering that.
Eddie asks Buck to pause the movie when the alarm for the lasagne goes off and goes to get them their food, insisting that Buck stays seated. Buck knows it’s him feeling guilty for making Buck come over to help him but he doesn’t protest even though Eddie doesn’t need to do anything to thank him for this. He grabs his phone and sends a text to Chris.
→ Hey Chris, you’re going to come
home eventually, right?
→ yeah
→ I just dont know when, yet.
→ I get angry so easily
→ It’s hard to control that, isn’t it?
→ I hurt dad, didn’t I?
→ Tell him I’m sorry
→ I love him, I just get so mad
→ I’ll tell him
→ He loves you too, so much.
Buck chooses to wait until they’ve eaten before handing his phone to Eddie and feels his eyes water when Eddie lets out a sob. He wraps his arm around his shoulder and pulls him into his side so he can lean against him as he rereads the texts over and over again.
“Thank you, Buck,” Eddie whispers and touches the screen when it starts to dim. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Crash and burn, probably,” Buck says and worries that it might be too soon, but Eddie lets out a wet laugh and hits his thigh with the back of his hand in retaliation. “Do you want me to tell Bobby about this, or can you do it yourself?”
“I’ll do it.”
Buck refused to leave Eddie alone despite his reassurances that he was okay now. He might believe him but the fear refuses to go away and he couldn’t bring himself to let Eddie out of his sight. They slept in the same bed and when morning comes Bobby is at Eddie’s doorstep with coffees and bagels. For a while they just pretend that this is normal, but then breakfast is finished and Bobby rounds the table to sit next to Eddie rather than across from him.
“You didn’t tell me much yesterday,” he starts and Eddie shrinks in on himself. “We need to talk now though.”
“Yeah,” Eddie mumbles.
“Do you want me to stay?” Buck asks and has to try very hard to not be offended when Eddie shakes his head. He gets that there are things Bobby can offer Eddie that he can’t and he’s grateful for it. Bobby’s good at helping them when they’re struggling and he and Eddie are more similar than Buck’s really realized. “Call me if you need me to come over. I don’t work today.”
“Yeah,” Eddie says. “Thanks.”
When Buck gets home, Tommy is still there. He comes out from under the staircase when Buck closes the door and he looks rough. His hair is messy, like he’s ran his hands through it one too many times and there are deep circles beneath his eyes, standing out against pale skin. Buck almost feels bad for how well he slept next to Eddie when he comes close enough to see that Tommy’s eyes are red.
“Hi,” he says and Tommy lets out a heavy breath.
“Hey.” He takes a hesitant step forward and when Buck doesn’t immediately back away, he comes right into his space and wraps his arms around him. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Buck asks.
“For trying to stop you last night…” he trails off and pulls back. He cups Buck’s cheek in his hand and Buck frowns. “I just got so angry, I shouldn’t have done that.”
“No. You shouldn’t have,” Buck agrees and he feels weird. Or rather, he feels nothing. It’s like all his emotions got left behind at Eddie’s place. “Why did you get so angry?”
“You keep leaving me for him,” Tommy says, jaw clenching. “You’ve canceled dates to rush to his side and then yesterday… I just- It doesn’t seem like it’s me you want to be with.”
“Eddie’s lost his son. If you can’t accept that I’m going to be there for my friend when he’s struggling, I don’t think I do… want to be with you, that is.” Buck tries to sound decided but Tommy looks so hurt, his eyes wide and oh god- are those tears? “I get that it worries you but me and Eddie… we’re just friends.”
“I know that,” Tommy chokes out and taps two fingers against his temple. “Up here at least, but it just hurts to know that I’m not your priority and I got frustrated and I’m sorry.”
“People are allowed to make mistakes,” Buck says, and he’s not sure who he’s saying it for, but all he knows is that he doesn’t want Tommy to look so fucking sad. He’s had enough of the people in his life suffering and now he’s the one who’s causing it. “You have to understand something, though.”
“What?”
“Everyone in my life that I love are my priority,” Buck says and Tommy nods slowly. “I would have left if it was Hen calling or Chim or anyone. I can’t not help the people I love and you can’t stop me.”
“Then can you help me too?” Tommy asks softly and Buck tilts his head to the side in confusion. “Can you help me believe that you actually do want me?”
What is it about Buck that makes him unable to get his relationships to work? Why do people keep questioning how much he cares? He cups Tommy’s face in his hands and feels sick seeing the pain he caused him. He nods. “Yeah, I can help you with that.” Buck presses their lips together briefly. “I’m sorry.”
“I forgive you,” Tommy says and then he’s the one kissing Buck.