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August clanked the empty potion bottles on the counter roughly, surprised they didn’t shatter. She groaned, rubbing her weary eyes. Fuck . She looked like a mess. She felt like a mess. She had been out, dropping potions off at her place for Kai and swinging past her little area at the stars. The sky was cloudy, threatening to rain whilst she was there so she left soon after, though it began raining once she returned to the castle.
Her chest heaved, gasping for air as her hair clung to her neck, her body shivering from the cold water dripping down her spine. She gripped the counter, placing the bottles into the brewing stand to make more strength. Her body screamed to lie down, to take a break, to rest . She’s been working all day, running around, and she was exhausted. Not to mention having no sleep in the last gods knows how long.
She ran a hand through her hair, dripping out the water into the cauldron filled with water already. She didn’t have a towel on her, so drying it with the humid air would have to do. She continued to brew the next batch of strength potions, waiting. Her mind was clouded, everything buzzing around like flies in a jar, though the jar was as murky as marsh waters.
The potions finished brewing, and August took them out. They were warm to the touch, a heat that was welcomed in her cold, soaked state. She downed one quickly, tilting her head back all the way to get a better angle. The potion was warm and thinner than usual, slipping down her throat with ease.
She waited, putting it down. She was slightly more awake, though it wasn’t to the standard she could function normally at. So she took the next. It helped, only a little, and so she took her third. She was out again. It didn’t wake her up entirely, only giving her the energy to stay somewhat alert.
She opened one of her shulker boxes, shoving around some potions and books, her hand gravitating to the one that documented part of her experimentation. She flicked it open, the old leather cover and yellow pages making a cracking sound as it bent backwards, unsticking itself from the rest of the book.
She read the cursive, reading the words that were about her. This was a practice she did now. Potion recipes, sketches, documentations. Discussions of making her a monster. It reminded her of what she tried not to be. When she had a rough time, she’d read it and remind herself she’s not like them. Especially with the effects of Kai.
But…tonight was different. Reading over the notes, she didn’t feel any better. It only solidified what she thought she was. A monster. Her antlers were proof of it. The antlers she didn’t bother taking care of anymore. She’d just pick at them again and again, it’s no use to try to mend what she breaks.
She was meant to be a monster. That’s her design. Gosh, she doesn’t even know what’s been injected into her. She could be a monster, and she’d have no clue. Well, she does have a clue. The books. And it’s more than just a clue now. She hasn’t been taking care of Kai properly. All she’s done is be as bad as them.
She’s used potions that she doesn’t even know the effects of on him, and in doing so has made it worse . Even the health and regeneration potions weren’t helping him anymore, not much at least. She was becoming the monster her creators wanted, or at least some version of it.
She put the book down, not noticing a tear roll down her cheek. Was it a tear? Or was it just the cold water dripping from her hair, falling down her forehead? She didn’t know anymore. She leaned against the closed door to the connecting wall, lifting a hand to pick at her antlers.
Gods, she hated them. Picking at them was painful, so so painful. But isn’t pain what a monster deserves? She could be seen in the dark and people could think she was a monster coming for their young. She picked harder, scraping away at the bone. Either she was numbed to the pain, or it was fully gone. She didn’t quite know.
You’re a monster. Monster. Monster! Monster!
Something in her mind screamed those words at her, forcing anger to bubble and rise inside of her. She gripped her antlers, knuckles going white. “Shut up. Shut up!” She yelled, tears falling from her eyes in anger. She banged the back of her head against the door, shooting a dull pain into her antlers that rolled into her skull.
She winced, choking back a sob. The tears were flowing now. She couldn’t stop them if she wanted to. She buried her face in her hands, sliding down the door. She cried, at first it was just sobs, before it grew into something more violent.
She was useless. She couldn’t help Kai, and she’s fucked it all up with Sunny and they barely talk the same anymore. She hasn’t spoken to Ollie in gods knows how long, and Nugget too. Nugget… gods, there’s so much she needs to sort out. Her emotions, her mind, her relationships.
“You useless, dumb, idiotic little shit.” She scolded herself, hand returning to her antlers, picking once more. “You can’t even do anything right. You should’ve just stayed in the lab where you’d be safe and out of the way. You might actually become something useful there.” She muttered, words filled with a sharpness directed at only herself.
If you don’t want to be a monster, August, try the potion. This was a different voice. A new one. No, not new. She didn’t care, it gave her a new version of mortified hope. She got up, her legs shaky underneath her. It didn’t matter. She made her way over to the boxes, getting out one of the two potions.
She lifted it to her face, watching its purple colour glisten in the limited light. She sloshed it around, tapping it slightly. The potion was thick, and it seemed to bubble slightly with the touch. It was cold. Very cold.
She popped the cork. Something in her mind screamed at her not to do this, to not drink it and to just leave, to take a break. She buried that voice, hiding it as the other voice urged her on. She tipped her head back, and took a sip. Then another. She drank half of the bottle by the time she stopped.
The consistency was thicker somehow, making the back of her teeth fuzzy afterwards. It was disgusting. Its taste was a mix of rotten flesh, raw meat, mushrooms, and bile. She hated it, but it didn’t seem to have an effect.
Maybe the effect came later? Drink it all, August. It won’t work otherwise. She took another swig, and downed the rest of the bottle. She coughed afterwards, throwing the bottle to the side. It shattered on the ground, though she couldn’t care less. Her coughing continued for a while, making her feel nauseous for a little.
She leant against the counter for support, feeling her legs almost give way on her. Weakness . It was an effect the potion gave her. It used to strengthen her, grow her antlers. If it fermented…it could do the opposite. She could get rid of her antlers.
She touched the tip of her antlers, feeling a slightly gooey consistency. It was almost sticky, too. She tapped it a few times, pressing in and feeling shots of pain. She inspected her finger, and found crimson blood on it.
She frowned, tears all dried up, though she wished they were back. She bent her head down, and part of her antlers caught on something. She moved her head back, and it scraped, pain rippling through to her skull. She had felt herself slow down gradually, not quite noticing it at first, but she now felt tired, her breathing long and…relaxed? Her mind had partially gone quieter, almost as if that other voice had died out now.
She pulled her head forwards to get her antlers free, and as she did she heard a crack from one of them. Pain followed right after, causing her to scream in agony. But she was free from being stuck. She felt something trickle down her antlers and her head, and only one thought came with the agony. Blood .
She was sure everyone had heard her scream, tears now back as she turned to see half of an antler stuck in a cabinet. Emotions swelled inside her, and they mixed to create something she hadn’t experienced in a long time. She backed up against the wall, the pain of her broken antler becoming so much stronger, and her heartbeat slowing even further.
She slid down, sitting down as her legs finally gave way. Her body was weakening, and she felt drained. The strength potions hadn’t worked, but unfortunately the other did. She pressed her head against the wall, cooling herself off as waves of heat overcame her.
Breathing became difficult. Her chest heaved, taking too much energy to get the air into her lungs. They were ragged, too. Despite having a slower heart rate, her breathing had decided to be faster than usual, finding herself in a weird state.
She wanted to stop the bleeding, to reach over and press on it until it clotted. But her arms wouldn’t allow it. She could barely move, her body felt like 20 ton weights with her arms being noodles. She couldn’t move.
Her mind had slowed and quietened almost completely, nothing but a black, empty abyss. Maybe, if I die today, I can go see Penelope again. Maybe dying is what would grant enough apology for a monster like me. A monster shouldn’t live, anyways.
She felt herself go in and out of consciousness, fighting to stay awake. She knew she couldn’t die but…the pain was numbed to her now. She ignored it. That, or her whole body was in pain. She felt her heart beat slower than before, and the gentle arms of death would greet her soon.
She’d finally be safe.