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It was late at night when Daesung’s life, which had consisted of discipline and routine, shifted without warning. They were recording their songs for the mini-album regarding the 20th anniversary of Big Bang. Jiyong hadn’t explained the songs in detail—he usually did—but they weren’t fully written yet anyway so the three knew they would meet up and see each other more than usual.
They wanted their comeback album to consist of songs the members themselves produce and write. Daesung had been writing many of his songs lately, even his D's Wave had touches of his own so Daesung was glad he could contribute in producing their songs—different to how it used to be back then where only Jiyong and T.O.P would participate.
Daesung would usually fall asleep in an instant when the clock hit 10pm, but the youngest was so excited to finally be making songs with his hyungs that he just kept drinking coffee to stay awake. Doing music with his members will always be his favourite thing to do, it's the one thing that still stayed when he was a teen all the way to the age of almost-40.
He can't help but miss him, though. But they never really talk about it.
★
Jiyong and Taeyang were brave people. Braver than Daesung could ever wish to be, they were brave to confront their feelings and accept it. The two had conversations regarding the oldest member, and most of the time Daesung was there but he just crossed his arms and pretended to sleep, or ate something and acted like he couldn't listen. He didn't like talking about it, because different from the other two, Daesung's a coward. He runs away at the sight of trouble, at any inconvinience. He's scared of bugs and animals smaller than him, he's scared of the dark and needles, and he's terrified of falling in love again—just for his heart to be left broken. Never fixed.
Because the other members knew that there was definitely something more with the two, a connection they can't enter. A bubble that Seunghyun and Daesung created for the two of them only. They made memories in it where no one could see other than themselves, and then Seunghyun left and Daesung was left alone in a chamber of lost memories that he could never get back. Left reminiscing, breathing alone, listening to one heartbeat when there used to be two.
That bubble had been created even before their debut. Anyone would be shattered when they're left alone without a goodbye.
That's what he wrote down. The mini-album consists of many genres, there would be a Daesung and a Taeyang Solo just like how they did with their first one. Their own Solos, of course, would be produced by themselves and Daesung's still quite new to all of this so Jiyong had been helping him out a lot.
The youngest was just about to rest his eyes for a bit on the couch at the far corner when he heard a door click. Daesung didn't flinch though, there's always people coming in and out of the studio so it could be anyone so he just continued to close his eyes and rest his head on the couch.
But Daesung heard a soft, “Hyung..” from a voice he's familiar with. Youngbae.
Youngbae has many older friends, but there were not many that he called hyung, and there were even less where his tone goes all soft and sweet.
Still, Daesung kept his eyes closed. Ignoring the sound of clothes rustling in on what seems like a hug, ignoring the tone of Jiyong's voice that Daesung knows he only uses for a certain someone. Ignores the tug at his heart and the dryness of his mouth.
Then a voice, quiet and small but was so loud to Daesung's ears that it echoed said, “He still has a bedtime schedule?”
Daesung can't ignore that voice. It's him. The one man that kept haunting him in every waking moment. Choi Seunghyun.
Daesung opened his eyes, and the three were looking at him. He looked at Jiyong first because they always caught each other's eyes, and Daesung looked at Taeyang next because he didn't want to look at the taller man besides him. Youngbae can tell when Daesung is afraid, he had spent many nights in the military with Daesung being afraid of millipedes and crickets in the forest.
His eyes are shaking, his fingers fidgeting on the zip of his jacket.
But Taeyang nodded at him, and Daesung knew his hyung would always know what he's thinking about even when he doesn't say it. Daesung looked at Seunghyun.
“It's been a while, Daesung-ah..” The actor looked at him with a slight smile on the lips. Not entirely happy, but not a sad one. A smile he had used many times for acting. Seeing the youngest, Seunghyun knew it would be the hardest to do compared to his other two friends. Daesung wasn't just someone he knew. He was never just a close friend, no matter how many times he tried to drink it off and forget it.
Seunghyun had left him. Left him alone with feelings they both had shared.
Please don't forgive me. Seunghyun thought at that moment because he was afraid he'd hurt him again. Even though he promised to himself he wouldn't.
“Hyung?” Daesung's voice cracked. Which was odd, because his voice was always stable. Daesung just stood there staring, his blonde hair long and healthy and he's about the same height as Seunghyun now. The older man felt his heart tug listening to his voice, looking at him now eye-to-eye when way back then, he was so much shorter than him he could easily kiss him on the forehead if he wanted to. He did, once. He could still feel the burn of his lips as it touched the man’s skin.
Seunghyun expected Daesung to stay quiet and not do anything. Because that's how Daesung had always been when things didn't go his way, he takes it and sucks it up because he's the maknae. When his favourite ramen gets stolen by Seungri during their trainee days, or Jiyong kept bothering him when he was clearly tired. He just stays quiet and tolerates it. But this time, he didn't. Daesung walked so quickly to Seunghyun he almost tripped on his own foot and he pulled him in for a hug. Daesung missed his warmth, though back then Daesung would fully lose his own strength when hugging the older man because he knew Seunghyun would hold them up, and the older does the same, but Daesung couldn't quite find it in himself to let himself go that easily yet with Seunghyun.
Daesung's trust is hard to earn, he's a private man and all the more reclusive despite his cheerful attitude. It's even harder to regain his trust after losing it once and Daesung knew that, he knew he might never find it in him to trust Seunghyun again which sounds mean of him because it's not Seunghyun's fault things became the way they are. Daesung knew Seunghyun did what he did to protect the group, and he's not to blame for how things turned out. Seunghyun was hurt and he felt responsible, but he wasn't the only one that took the damage. The others did too, Daesung was hurt too.
Daesung hates pain, but he tolerates it. He always does.
“Aish, Daesung-ah..” Taeyang lets out a small laughter at the actions of their now-youngest. Daesung was such a complicated teen, he became a trainee when he was 15 and he was all laughter and smiles and that's what made him so complex. They would never know when Daesung was sad or angry because he always had a smile on his face and it didn't help that he wasn't living in the dorms with the other members. Daesung was never that affectionate, especially physically. He would sometimes flinch whenever Jiyong puts his head on Daesung's small teenage shoulders or whenever Youngbae holds his hand, but he was never rude so he tolerates it and he slowly became just as affectionate, even though they all knew he never really got much at home. Daesung was their favourite member to squeeze and hug. It took a few years for Daesung to actually be the one hugging, and to see him doing so to Seunghyun made the hyungs feel a bit more bitter than sweet.
Daesung put his head on the nook of Seunghyun's neck, burying his face like it was the last thing he could ever do. He didn't even utter a word, he just hugged the man tightly and his hands were gripping Seunghyun's coat as if he would fall if he let it go. Seunghyun bit the insides of his mouth as he patted the back of the younger man, eyes meeting Taeyang's that were staring at them both and Seunghyun tried to meet Jiyong's but his head was down the moment Seunghyun did. Jiyong's always been protective, especially of things that are precious to him. And although Jiyong was anything but subtle on how much he missed Seunghyun—in fact, he was the one that called Seunghyun to come back—Jiyong just couldn't find it in himself to really accept that he's here. Jiyong is human, just like Daesung, and he was also hurt by everything.
Jiyong was the leader, is the leader. He saw his own group crumble in front of him and he never, ever, blamed Seunghyun. He would never. It wasn't his fault the world was full of hatred, it wasn't Seunghyun's fault that he had to apologise to the world for harming himself and it was never, never, Seunghyun's fault for the group to be the way it is. Jiyong shared the same burdens as Seunghyun, Seunghyun was the oldest and Jiyong was the leader. Both felt that they had to take care of the group, and that they were responsible to protect them from harm and let them soar without looking back at the consequences. Jiyong's not upset or angry about Seunghyun leaving, he was just cautious. Because he didn't want him to leave them again. He already did, so what would stop him from leaving again?
It's funny how humans work. Jiyong once trusted Seunghyun with his life but now...that's far from possible. Would they ever be the same again?
I have to let go. Daesung thought in his head. But he can't.
If I let go, would he leave again?
It's strange, Daesung was sure all this time he was alive. But he realised he never really breathed. Because he never felt his own heart beating, his own body breathing, his anxiety leaving. As he was with Seunghyun, then, that was the moment he really felt alive. It's addicting, feeling alive.
And Seunghyun held his breath as his arms embraced Daesung into a full hug. Seunghyun had forgotten the warmth of people, of Daesung—and it was highly addicting that he didn't want to let go of him and well, Daesung clearly thinks the same. Seunghyun takes in a breath then, the familiar calming scent of Daesung and the strong detergent smell on his clothes. The warmth of his body that burns through layers of clothings and stings his skin, the way Daesung's face was on his neck and it destroyed any thought that was on Seunghyun's mind so he could only think of him. Daesung's dangerous, he had always been, he has this charm that makes people comfortable around him and once you fall in love, you can't really let go of it. Seunghyun was sure he couldn't move on even if he was given centuries and all the time in the world, he never really tried to. Daesung's poisonous, and Seunghyun had been his victim, corrupted and rotten, a long time ago.
As time passed, Taeyang had to pull Daesung away, and Seunghyun couldn't help but hold Daesung's wrist—not letting go. Daesung was in a daze, but Taeyang just looked at Seunghyun with confusion and Jiyong just stared at them bored but clearly interested. More like intimidated really. Jiyong tried to be friendly and warm, but who would dare to hold Daesung back after leaving him alone all these years. Jiyong didn't intervene though, afraid of what he might do. He just looked at Taeyang and the man knew immediately to give Daesung to Jiyong.
It's funny, they haven't even exchanged a word, Daesung and Seunghyun, but anyone could clearly tell they already exchanged many words even without any.
Daesung sat on the armchair of Jiyong's seat and Jiyong's hands were on Daesung's waist, it wasn't anything intentional of Jiyong, he just acted on muscle memory because Daesung had always been every member's favourite person to touch, but Seunghyun's eyes immediately saw it and his jaw clenched for a moment. Back in the days, Seunghyun would be on Jiyong’s neck, pulling Daesung away from him and screaming, “Daesung’s mine!” as a joke—though he never really stopped to think whether it was a joke all that time. Seunghyun was sure he felt angered once or twice, when he saw Youngbae attempting to kiss him on the lips and Daesung, always laughing everything off, didn't even bother to pull away even though he could in an instant. That’s the way he felt now, as he saw Jiyong’s hands on Daesung’s waist. His body that the members once knew only Seunghyun was allowed to touch, even as a joke. But Seunghyun can’t just lay his claim over Daesung, who he barely even knew. Because he looked so much older, he has the same smile and the same brightness in his small brown eyes but he’s different and it's been years since they even talked, is Daesung still the Daesung he knew? Or did he change, just like the way that Seunghyun isn’t actually Seunghyun.
Despite the burn in his heart, of anger and undoubted jealousy, he just brushed it off with a small smile. He just came back after leaving and destroying the group, he can't risk being on bad terms with them.
“Not saying anything, Daesung?” Jiyong teased as he pinched Daesung's side who only wriggled in response.
Ignoring every possible poetry playing in his head, on how he finally breathed and how his heart finally beats—he plastered on his usual huge smile. “Hyung, it's nice to see you..” And that's how Daesung usually is. Timid and awkward. He only shows this side to people he knows, and to the people that know him. Of course, all that cheery brightness of him on screen wasn't fake. Daesung is anything but fake. He had always been true to himself, and Daesung had always been bright, but it wasn't overwhelming, his true brightness was calming and soothing. A comfortable light that you would want to see forever, not the type of light that blinds you but more to make you see in the darkness. That is Daesung, and for someone as secluded as Seunghyun, he was bound to be tied onto Daesung. Like a constant shadow that follows the light, Seunghyun could never escape the clutches of him, even when he tried to—he never did—and it’s funny, because Daesung never knew the power he has over him.
To be saved and destroyed by the same man, the actor had never felt so cursed before.
They talked with their unusual casualness, because out of all the members—Daesung shone the brightest with Seunghyun and they would never go through a sentence without making jokes that only they would understand. But slowly, as they started composing and making songs, spending more time with each other they got back to their rhythm they were once in.
In just a few hours that they had met, after years of not seeing or speaking to each other—unsurprisingly, the four men went back to how they were back then. None of that thick awkwardness during the first few minutes they have met. Music, being their connection. Always have been. They met because of their love for music, and no matter how long they haven’t talked at all, music will always be the one connecting their ties. Seunghyun wasn't able to hide his dimpled smile as he started to beatbox and doing silly jokes with Daesung, and Taeyang was recording them like a father would. He is a dad, after all. But Jiyong always seems to forget about that, because the two of them lived such similar lives, growing up together and going to the same school but they are so different. Jiyong used to frown thinking about how he turned out, all that fame but the one thing he wanted, real love and a wife and children wasn’t his. But Youngbae’s a great dad and he was never jealous of what the man had, Youngbae’s his brother, and if he's not happy for him then he must be sick in the head.
Jiyong looks at his group that once nearly touched the sky, that flew higher than anyone else. Once, they were that great once. And Jiyong wanted to flick his own forehead for ever doubting that Seunghyun would be a hard one to take in and accept. Looking at the eldest who’s laughing and smiling like he hadn't smiled and laughed in a long time just pains Jiyong, and the three of them had always been lively together but they knew that they're not supposed to be just three. There's always that one empty seat, and there's always that one name at the tip of their tongue, dying to be let out. And perhaps, this feeling of Jiyong’s emptiness slowly being filled with warmth as he watches his group joking around, making music, the one thing they had always loved—the leader wondered if that's what Daesung felt too.
Daesung’s hands had never left Seunghyun’s arms the moment he entered, and even if he did, his eyes would look at Seunghyun intensely as if he'd leave again and Daesung knew not to let him go, not to let him be out of his sight, because the three of them had nearly lost the eldest who just kept everything to himself and Daesung had felt so guilty because they all knew Seunghyun was closest to Daesung at the time. Jiyong was busy with tours and albums, and Taeyang was there, of course, but he had a bit of a rough time with his now-wife at the time and Seunghyun, even without all of the circumstances, would've gone to Daesung first for comfort.
Seunghyun clung to Daesung like he was hanging on for dear life, Seunghyun made that obvious, he made it clear to the world that holding Daesung’s hands helped ease his burdens even by just a little, but Daesung couldn't hold his hand tight enough that he nearly slipped. It took the youngest years of solitude and therapy to move on from the guilt he felt and Daesung thought he was fully healed, but as he saw Seunghyun again with his dark eyes and his soft smile—the trot singer went back to the darkness of his mind that told him, we almost lost him, we almost lost that smile that we once swore to protect.
So there Daesung was, not tearing his eyes off of Seunghyun and of course the man noticed, even a blind man could feel Daesung’s stare but there were moments when Daesung had to take his eyes off of the man and that was the time when Seunghyun could take that slip of time to stare at the man. To take him in, take a breath, actually look at Daesung that grew so much in just a few years, listen to that voice he once heard everyday of his life, feel his presence, hold his hand, paint him in his mind.
Youngbae was sitting across Seunghyun at the time, and the singer wondered if Daesung noticed the way Seunghyun's eyes only lights up the moment he sees Daesung and would stay there for a long time, and that his dimples only appeared the moment Daesung hugged him. The way Seunghyun would fiddle with his fingers when Daesung pulls his hand away from him, as if trying to hold on to the warmth of Daesung's skin just a little longer.
Did he ever notice? The longing.
Youngbae looked at Jiyong who was eating cup noodles as Daesung sat beside him warming up his voice. Jiyong looked back at him, and he looked at Seunghyun who had his phone in his hands, but he wasn't looking at it at all, his eyes were blank as he listened to Daesung singing, as though he couldn't believe any of it was real. As if, just listening to his voice again, to be in the same room was a privilege.
Jiyong gave Youngbae a sad, knowing stare, they have their own ways of communicating through their eyes alone and Youngbae was thinking of perhaps telling Daesung that Seunghyun loved him just as much as he does. The same kind.
Before he even came up with a plan in his head, Daesung was already beside Seunghyun with the widest smile Youngbae had ever seen. And Youngbae has seen every version of the man’s smiles, but this one was entirely different.
Daesung’s sincere with his heart. Daesung just got Seunghyun back, and Youngbae didn't want to overwhelm him.
Another time. Youngbae told himself. I’ll tell him another time.
He walked to Jiyong to let Seunghyun and Daesung be alone. Be in their own space again, that bubble no one could see but them. Fixing it, piece by piece. One heartbeat at a time.