Chapter Text
Sieun hated Mondays, for the same reasons everyone else did. But he also hated them because it meant the week was starting again—that he’d have to leave the hospital room and do other things. Adult things like work when all he wanted was to sit in the rickety old stool and listen to Suho's soft breaths fill the room. But this Monday was different.
For this Monday, he was thankful.
Eleven years have passed yet time hasn’t moved at all. Because just like any other day for the past eleven years, he returned to the same place: Sungang University Hospital. Four walls that contain his entire world.
Four walls that have heard him talk about anything and everything.
Four walls that have seen him shed a river of tears.
Four walls that have seen his heart on the floor, bleeding out.
Four walls that have given him hope. Only to crush it again.
Sieun loosens the tie around his neck once he's in front of the door. Wipes his clammy hands on his pants. Takes a deep breath. And with unsteady hands, slides the door.
"Ah, Good. You're here"
He nods, closing the door behind him gently. Places his his bag on the couch and gets to work. First, he starts with fixing things around the room with practiced ease. he arranges the things around the room with practiced ease. Wrappers in the garbage. Unpacks his bag and places the food in the fridge. Takes out his clothes and places them on top of his bag.
"He seems to be doing well today" the nurse fills him in as he circles around the room, "the vitals have been steady all day, the foods staying down and he's hydrated which is always a concern. We did have to shift him a bit and apply a dressing for a suspected sore. But we'll check on him again in a a few hours just to make sure it's not getting any worse. But of course, you already know the routine"
Sieun looks over at Suho, "has anyone changed him?"
The nurse squints, fingers thumbing through the chart, "I don't think so. I'll get someone in t—"
"No" he interrupts, waking over to the bed and looking down at him, "I can do it"
"Sieun" she sighs, closing her eyes briefly, "you should rest. One of the nurses can d—"
Sieun shakes his head, "I will do it"
The nurse —Jiwon—huffs, probably knowing it's a battle she can't win, "well, if you have any trouble—"
"I've been doing it for four years since the nurses taught me" he mumbles, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes, "I can manage"
"It's not because I don't think you can't do it, it's because you look worse for the wear everyday. You've been here everyday for the past eleven years, it's bound to wear you out" she clicks her tongue, "You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of him"
"I'm fine" He insists. He is fine. This is what he wants to do. To take care of Suho. To be near him. To talk to him, even if he never talks back.
She opens her mouth but then closes it again.
With a sigh, she gives him a final nod and leaves the room. Sieun stands over Suho for a few beats. Eyes roaming over his face. His hands itching to reach out, to place it over his chest and heart the soft, thud thud thud, of his heart.
"You look older" he says absently, taking in the sparse hair around his chin and the shadows over his mouth. "Congratulations on turning twenty-eight, Suho-yah"
Sieun brings a basin of warm water and a towel, placing it on the side "Let's get you dressed for your birthday. The nurses won't give me a razor in case I nick you again. I'll try to sneak one in for you anyway"
Gently, he grabs his hand and rubs the knuckles with his thumb, his skin soft and warm and alive.
"You never got to taste the seaweed soup I made for you last time and every birthday after" Sieun places his warm hands to his forehead, "I know how to make a lot of good food now. I'll cook for you when you wake up"
There's no reply. Of course there's no reply, there hasn't been one for more than a decade but Sieun still holds his breath every time. That maybe, somehow, Suho will hear him —hear his desperation and come back to him.
He places his arm back on the bed, pushing up his sleeves as he grabs the warm towel. Gently, Sieun runs the towel over his skin. "Young-i still hasn't called, I thought she'd call at least today but maybe she's busy."
He leans over, grabbing his other arm and repeating the motions, "She works in a bank now, that's what Seok Dae told me. I told you we were going to grab dinner. He won't stop pestering me. But he's not as annoying as you. Or as noisy. I wish he was."
Sieun unbuttons his shirt with unsteady fingers, one at a time to reveal the pale skin underneath. He exhales shakily. Taking in the boy who was once made of steel being reduced to skin and bones.
"I'll get you on my fitness routine when you wake up. It'll be my turn to teach you." he starts with behind his ears, running the towel over and around the shell of it, "I'm a lot tougher now. If I throw a chair, you won't even be able to stop me"
Next, he wipes down his neck and over the curve of his collarbones and then down his chest, "But we're too old for that now aren't we?"
Sieun pauses, hands now resting on his stomach, "or I'm too old for it. You're still 17."
There's nothing else to say after that. Sieun swallows down the bile rising in his throat as wipes his stomach and then moves on to his legs and feet. When he's done with that, he puts away the basin and brings over fresh clothes for Suho to change into.
He places one hand behind his upper back and another at his lower stomach, "Was there something particular you wanted to eat today?" Sieun moves closer to the bed so that Suho's head rests on his stomach, bearing his weight.
Sieun peels off Suho's shirt, throwing it on the ground and pulls a clean one over his head and through the arms, "I got us pizza and ox-bone soup"
He blows out a puff, "that's not a good combination, is it? Except you'd probably scarf it all down anyway like a lunatic, saying it's the best thing in the world"
He moves onto his pants, peeling them down over his thin thighs as he keeps his eyes on Suho's face, "The place you used to like the soup from closed last year. That's why you should've woken up before so you could eat as much as you wanted. It's your own fault, I came and told you everyday"
The pants join the shirt on the floor. He rests his eyes on Suho's ankles as he gets his legs through the opening, "I'll try finding a new place for when you wake up"
When he's done with dressing Suho, he tosses the clothes into the bin near the door. He turns off the flights and walks over to the fridge, taking out a few things.
Cake. Soup. Pizza. He pours some of the soup into a bowl and sticks it in microwave. And then repeats the motions with the pizza. While that's heating up, he places the candles on the cake and brings it over to Suho.
"Make a wish, Suho-yah" he whispers shakily, "I'll make it come true. But you have to make mine come true too."
Sieun closes his eyes for a second, making the same wish he's made for the past eleven years and blows out the candles. With the cake on the table. he switches the lights back on and grabs the pizza and soup from the microwave.
"You were right, microwaved pizza does taste the best" Sieun says, holding one thing in each hand as he walks over to Suho.
Suho doesn't stir. The only sound filling up the room being his soft and steady breaths. Sieun takes a seat next him, placing the tray with the food at a nearby table. "Happy birthday, Suho-ya"
He doesn't even like ox-bone soup but Sieun still drinks it all up. Up till the last drop. And then he moves onto the pizza, taking small bites but he can barely keep it down as his throat closes up. A sob rips out of him. His body shudders.
"I wasn't going to..." he trails off, another cry taking over his entire body, "I wasn't going to cry but when are you waking up?"
Sieun drops the pizza on the tray and covers his eyes with his arms. He doesn't want Suho to see him cry. "Just wake up, please, please, please"
***
"Sieun" a soft voice calls out to him, a hand on his shoulder shaking him. It's a touch he's not familiar with so he stills, eyes snapping open as he shifts away from it.
"Sieun" the woman says again, and when he manages to wipe the sleep out of his eyes, his eyes meet a pair of dark eyes. Eyes he's familiar with.
Dr. Jin Young
He looks around the dark room, squinting "what, is everything okay with..." Sieun trails off. Eyes catching on a pair that's as familiar to him as his own. He blinks. Heart in his throat as he jumps out of the seat, almost falling over himself. Suho's eyes are open. And looking right at him.
"Suho" he breathes. His entire body coming to life, as if awakening from an eleven year slumber. This must be what it feels like to get everything you've wanted because Sieun feels like he's on top of the world. He's just about to take a step towards him but a hand grabs onto his elbow, halting him.
Dr. Jin Young comes around, standing in front of him, "We should talk"
Sieun blinks, "I can't leave now, Suho just—"
"Sieun" she says firmly, "Outside, please"
He looks over at Suho, eyes catching as he stares at Sieun from the bed, unblinking. It takes everything in him to rip his eyes away from him and walk outside. Suho is alive. Alive. Breathing. Awake. Here
"As I'm sure you're aware," she begins as Sieun joins her outside, voice low and understanding, "patients that have been in coma for a long time are usually...not the same after they wake up"
Sieun nods slowly, letting the words wash over him.
"Sometimes there's gaps in cognitive function, so memory, understanding, speech. Sometimes there's gaps in personality. There's just no telling"
"Why are you telling me this?"
Dr. Jin Young exhales deeply, "Because I want you to be prepared when you go meet him. He might not be the same Suho that you knew before. Recovery is a long and hard battle. Especially for someone who's been comatose for eleven years, I need you to understand that"
"But he's still Suho" Sieun looks inside the hospital room through the small window at the door, "that fact doesn't change"
"You'll have to be patient with him, Sieun" she pats his shoulders and he stills, "he's probably confused and he'll get frustrated throughout his recovery. But one thing I do ask is that if he doesn't remember something, don't force it on him"
Sieun steps out from under her touch, "He doesn't remember me?"
"That is a possibility."
"How probable?"
She shifts, hands crossing behind her back as she stares at him, unblinking, "Pretty high. I'm not going to give you exact numbers because we still need to run tests but it seems he doesn't remember much from the year he ended up here"
Sieun pauses, breaths shallow and low. Suho doesn't remember him.
"But that's subjected to change" she continues on as if she didn't just rip out his heart and hand it to him, "he might slowly start remembering things."
"How long?"
She glances into the room, "that depends on the patient. Some remember after a few days, others remember after a few months or years"
"And some never remember" he finishes for her, "right?"
Dr. Jin Young nods.
Sieun swallows thickly, hands running through his hair as he thinks about the possibility of Suho never remembering him. It would be better. Suho wouldn't have to know the pain and suffering he had to go through because of Sieun. It should make Sieun happy but there's a hollow space where his heart should be.
"Go on, you can go see him now but just remember what I said" She cuts in, "I'm off to see other patients but you have my number if anything alarming arises otherwise someone will come by to take him for a few more tests later on"
He nods, never taking his eyes off of Suho who seems to be staring up at the ceiling. Unblinking. Sieun pushes the door open slowly and over to his bed.
Suho turns his head, an absent look in his eyes. "Yeon Sieun?"
Sieuns heart takes flight. Soaring through the seven skies as he feels his entire body come to life. He remembers.
"You're the lunatic nerd from class, what're you doing here?"
His heart stutters in the air, falling as its wings are clipped. Down. Down. Down.
Sieun's tongue is stuck to the roof of his mouth. Not a single word comes out as he stares at Suho.
"Yah. Stop glaring at me like that, what's with those eyes?"
He wasn't glaring. Suho would have known that. The Suho that knew him better than anyone would've known that.
There's nothing he can say. Nothing that wouldn't make him sound like a complete lunatic. Nothing that wouldn't give him away so he keeps quiet.
"Still not much of a talker" Suho muses, eyes taking in everything around the room until they eventually settle on him, "So I hear you've been taking care of me"
Sieun nods.
"Why?" he quirks an eyebrow at him, "were we married before I went into a coma or what?"
"No"
"So he does speak" Suho says, "what's your deal, then? Are you the one that put me in here or something? Feeling guilty?"
Sieun swallows. Words piercing his heart. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Yes, he was guilty. He was the reason Suho was in here. It was him. All him.
"What'd the doctor say to you?" Suho continues on without waiting for an answer, completely unaware of Sieun's heart bleeding out on the floor beside him.
"Nothing" he runs the back of his hand across his mouth, "what'd she say to you?"
Suho shrugs, "they say I've been here for eleven years"
"You seem calm after hearing that"
"I missed out on eleven years of making money" he lifts his eyes to Sieun's, "of course I'm not calm. But what can I do, it is what it is, can't do anything about the cards I'm dealt, can I? Why isn't my halmeoni here?"
He almost sounds believable. If it was anyone else, Sieun might have believed them but this was Suho. The soft waver and the way his voice dips slightly near the end gives him away. He's not fine after hearing that. But Sieun doesn't push.
"She's..." he trails off, averting his eyes to the window beside the bed. The old Suho would've caught on. He would've called Sieun out for looking away, something Sieun never does. He's know for his unwavering and intense stares.
'Don't look at me like that, punk. I feel like you're reading my mind or something' Suho had said once. Of course Sieun couldn't read his mind, even though he wanted to. Badly.
"What's this?" Suho pulls him out of his head, eyes looking right at him, "you never look away first"
Sieun stills, "what?"
"Isn't that what everyone used to get on your case about?"
"What would you know, you'd always be sleeping"
A hollow laugh escapes his mouth, "I still have ears. So stop beating around the bush asshole and tell me straight up"
"I'm not supposed to stress you out" Sieun starts, palms dripping with sweat as they rest by his sides.
Suho tries to move. Knowing him, he was probably planning on lunging at Sieun. Pinning him to the ground until he spills the truth all over the floor. But Suho's arms fail him as he tries to push off of them, body falling back onto the mattress.
Sieun almost goes to him. But he holds back because this Suho doesn't know him. Instead, he digs his nails into his thigh as he watches Suho sigh in frustration.
"Yah fucker, that's enough. Tell me or I'm getting the fuck out of here somehow and finding out myself"
"She's at a care home" he says finally, not able to take his frustrated grunts and sighs, "she's fine"
"Why's she in a care home?"
Sieun blinks, "dementia"
Suho laughs. It's hollow and bone-dry.
"So she doesn't remember me" he says it like it's a fact. Just like the fact that he's been sleeping for eleven years. "Guess that's better than her going back and forth, worrying over me"
"Suho"
"Woah" Suho looks up at him, face stricken but his mouth still curves into a slight smile, "didn't know the number one student knew my name"
Sieun smiles despite himself. But he catches himself when he watches Suho's eyes widen in awe.
He clears his throat, "when you get better, we can go see her"
"Why?" he cocks his head, "why would you go with me?"
"I owe your halmeoni a favor"
"What, did she take money from you?" he shifts again, as if forgetting his body is weak and ends up falling down again, , "yah, what kind of scum takes advantage of an old—"
Sieun interrupts, "I owe her a favour, not the other way around"
"Oh" Suho nods slowly, "so what's the favor? Are you my babysitter or something?"
"Something like that"
Suho laughs, "We're the same age, man"
Sieun doesn't say anything, instead he pulls out the food in the fridge. He glances at the clock on the wall, four o'clock in the morning. There's two more hours until he has to drop by his apartment and get dressed for work. Maybe he could just call in sick. Maybe he should just stay here, Suho could need help. Maybe—
"You got somewhere to be?" Suho asks from behind him, pulling him out of his planning.
Sieun pauses, "work"
"Ah" Suho says lowly, "forgot that everyone's moved on with their lives. Maybe I should start looking for one, I got years of money to make up for"
I haven't moved on, Sieun thinks. I'm still stuck in that ring that still has your blood smeared into the floor.
"So what do you do? Probably something super impressive with grades like yours"
Sieun brings over the bowl of ox-bone soup, placing it in front of Suho.
"Woah" he practically shouts, easily distracted, "is it my birthday or something?"
"Technically yesterday" Sieun takes a seat on the stool next to the bed, watching him eat. How many times had he dreamt of this, to sit next to Suho. To watch him eat well. For him to talk about aimless things with him. Probably too many times.
Suho pauses, spoon hanging in the air near his mouth as he blinks at him, "Seriously?"
He nods.
"We must've been friends" Suho says, slurping on the soup but keeps his eyes on Sieun, "if you get me things like this for my birthday"
Sieun swallows thickly. Friends. The word seems so small to describe their relationship. It doesn't encompass everything they were —are. Suho was more than that. He was everything. He is everything.
"Yeah" he whispers, voice rough and raw, "we are friends"
"So I'm twenty-eight, huh?" he whistles, stirring the soup with his spoon, "Did the doctor tell you how long I have to stay here?"
"Did she not talk to you?"
He shrugs, "She said a bunch of stuff, I didn't really understand"
"So you weren't listening then" Sieun stands up, grabbing his bag off the couch. Suho watches him the entire time and the weight of his eyes makes Sieun feel alive. Like his body has finally woken up for an eleven year hibernation. He finds that he likes the heaviness of his eyes on him.
"I was listening" Suho pouts, "but then she started using big words. Yah, do you have some more food in that fridge?"
Sieun glances at the fridge and then back as Suho, "nothing that you can eat"
"What're you talking about?" Suho juts his chin towards the fridge, "there's nothing that I can't eat so bring it here. You might not know this but my stomachs made of steel"
"No" Sieun meets his eyes, gaze unwavering, "You just woke up, your body is not what it used to be. So take it slow"
"Yah, those eyes of yours" Suho rolls his tongue over his top teeth, "Be honest, you got beat up a bit because of them, didn't you?"
He ignores him. Instead, Sieun takes out his laptop and takes a seat on the couch. Facing Suho. Just so he can keep an eye on him. To make sure that he's well. That he's healthy. That he's actually awake. That this isn't just a dream.
"What're you working on?"
"Work"
Suho huffs in frustration, "you're kind of difficult"
Sieun's fingers hover over the keyboard, "Am I?"
"How'd we even become friends?"
He looks up at him, "you begged me"
Suho lifts an eyebrow, "that doesn't sound like me"
"No?"
"Yah, I was a pretty big deal at school. Are you sure it wasn't you—"
"Mr. Ahn Suho" a voice interrupts them, both their heads jerking towards the door.
Sieun doesn't recognize the man standing at the door. He moves his laptop to the side, standing up. Hands fisting at his side as he stares him down.
The man looks over at Sieun, "I'm Gil-Tae, Dr. Jin Young sent me. We need to take Mr. Ahn Suho to get some tests done"
He nods, unclenching his hands. The man rolls in a wheelchair, walking over to Suho's bed.
"We're just going to get you in here" he looks over at Sieun, "Could you help grab him from the other side?"
He does as he's asked. When Suho is settled into the wheelchair, the man places his hands on the bars and wheels him out. Sieun follows close behind.
"Wait" the man stops abruptly, turning around to look at Sieun, "you're going to have to stay in the room. I'll bring him back once we have everything"
"Where are you taking him?" Sieun asks.
The man sighs, "they said you were overprotective. We're just going to—"
"Yah, Am I a kid?" Suho says, turning his head to look at him, "I can take care of myself"
No, you can't, Sieun almost says, but he doesn't. He's not ready to admit that truth that Suho might never be the same. That the body Suho built might have completely crumbled down. But he doesn't say any of that. Instead, he moves to the side and watches them leave.
***
He must've dozed off. Because when Sieun's eyes flutter open, the rooms dark. Only the small nightlight illuminates the room. Sieun sits there on couch for a minute because this never happens. He can't remember the last time he was able to sleep so soundly —so peaceful, in the last eleven years. His eyes flit to the bed where Suho sleeps with the blankets tucked under his chin.
It might've been a dream. Sieun swallows thickly, feet heavy as he makes his way to the bed. Blood rushing to his ears the closer he gets. When his toes are touching the bottom of the bed, he stops. Stares down at Suho who's sleeping like a corpse. For a few minutes, he just stands there.
"Are you plotting my murder?" The voice jerks him out of his head and almost knocks him to the ground.
It wasn't a dream. Suho is awake. Suho is here. Suho is alive.
Sieun doesn't say anything. Just stares.
"Yah" Suho frowns, "why do you keep giving me those eyes? Did I wrong you or something, fucker?"
"Yes" Sieun says automatically. You left me alone.
Suho exhales deeply, "It's been eleven years, you sure know how to hold a grudge. So what'd I do? Did I cheat on you or do I owe you money? If it's the first, then my bad, fuckface. If it's the second one, I'm probably broke right now so I'll get you your due when I start working"
"Your bad" Sieun parrots, blinking slowly.
"It was eleven years ago, man"
"Not for you"
Suho pauses, blinks, licks his lips, "Right, not for me. I'm still the same scumbag then. But you don't seem to be my type, I thought I was into girls" He squints, frowning, "Was that why I liked watching men's football?"
Sieum smiles, warmth spreading from the top of his head to his toes as he listens to Suho's musings. It could probably lull him to sleep.
"Fuck"
Sieun's eyes snap open, he must've closed them at some point, "what?"
"You..." he trails off, mouth practically hanging open as he stares at him with wide eyes. Sieun's heart is in his throat, palms sweaty and fire in his veins as he waits. He remembers me. "You were just smiling. Yah, that was so creepy, I thought today was going to be my last day"
Sieun sobers up, "Oh"
"Wait, I didn't mean that your smile was creepy" Suho explains, "just like, I didn't think you were capable of smiling that's why it took me by surprise."
I smile at you.
"But you should smile" Suho continues, completely unaware of the storm that's swirling inside of Sieun's body, "it looks good on you. Scary but good."
Sieun swallows thickly, "Shut up"
***
Sieun can't focus. His laptop lays wide open in front of him, thousands of papers scattered across his desk but he can't think. There must be something wrong with him. Maybe he slept too much today. Maybe the lack of sleep over the years is finally catching up to him. But whatever it is, all he can think about is Suho. It was a constant thought at the back of his head for the past eleven years but now, it's grown, multiplied and spread throughout his entire body.
"You alright?" Jun Tae asks, his small frame leaning against the door. "Oh, you look well rested"
"What?"
He pushes his glasses up with his hand, "nothing, just that...usually you have bags under your eyes and you're a walking corpse. But today, you look well rested."
Sieun doesn't feel well rested. He feels like he's on fire one minute. Cold the next. That he could run a marathon or five. Maybe even take on a bear.
"I just came because you looked stressed" Jun Tae walks over to him, eyes squinting at the laptop screen, "are the numbers bothering you?"
"They never do" That's the one thing he's never had a problem with, they've always fascinated him. Numbers. Problems. Analytics. But today, even they're not enough to shut off the thoughts in his head.
"Then what's wrong?"
"Nothing" he says on reflex, hands clenching at his side.
Jun Tae chews on his bottom lip, "Okay"
He doesn't leave. Instead, he sits next to Sieun with his arms folded in front of him.
"Just distracted" Sieun finally says, filling in the silence.
Jun Tae nods, "With what? Girlfriend?"
Sieun huffs, "You know that won't happen"
"You never know"
He knows. Even when he tries to imagine it, his body breaks out in hives. To have someone constantly in his space, constantly clinging to him and touching him. Never.
"I know" he rubs his eyes with the heel of palm, "I just don't want to be here"
"At work?" Jun Tae asks, confused, "or on earth?"
Sieun gives him a flat look, "at work"
"You always used to walk around with sad eyes" Jun Tae points out, "it could've easily been the other one too"
"No" he frowns, "not anymore"
He squints, "and you say you don't have a girlfriend?"
"I don't"
Jun Tae hums, "so is that what's distracting you, did something good happen? You do seem...better"
"Never mind" he pushes the chair back, getting up on his feet, "forget I said anything. I'm heading out"
"Sieun, you should talk about your feelings instead of—"
He doesn't wait for Jun Tae to finish talking and slams the door on the way out. He'll probably say some nonsense about talking about their feelings. That keeping things bottled up will only make things worse. That feelings are like a ticking time bomb, the longer you wait the bigger the blow. But he doesn't want to talk about his feelings. Doesn't want to talk about Suho or how confused he's been ever since he woke up. He doesn't want to talk outside of the four walls of the hospital room ever again. He never wants to leave that room ever again if he can help it.