The rush of blood

by FARA4WAY

Summary:

Shen Jiu didn’t know the extent of Jianluo's obsession, he wishes he didn't find out, wishes he killed him sooner

Chapter 1: Qiu Jianluo

Shen Jiu always knew he was attractive. It helped him when he was a street rat. People couldn't handle a pretty child on the streets. It always disgusted him, even if it worked in his favor at the time. Now as a slave with Qius it's more of a hindrance he notices the stares the way Qiu Jianluo looks at him, the intent in them, his looks make him noticed when he doesn’t want to be noticed, he thought it would stop at the touches, that's it.

He believes that until Qiu Jianluo breaks him.

Shen Jiu hadn't even understood what had happened until it was over. His mind was a haze of fear, confusion, and pain. He can still feel the way the floor felt against his skin, how his head hit the floor with a crack, how heavy his arms felt when he tried to push Qiu Jianluo off, how his legs felt like lead. The way his nails dug into the floor, scraping so hard that the tips of his fingers bled. The way he cried and screamed until his throat was raw. How the scent of blood and iron filled the room, almost strong enough to make him gag.

Why? Why? Why did it end like this? With him on a bed covered in fluids, in blood, missing his clothes, why why why why 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘺? 𝘞𝘩𝘺? 𝘞𝘩- he can see Jianluo's disgusting smile, the satisfaction, it makes him hurl, his mouth opened in a silent scream, oh god let this be a nightmare, why was today's punishment any different than the rest? WHY? He hears Jianluo talking, but he doesn't understand what he's saying. The noise blurs together. All he hears is his heartbeat in his chest, feeling his breaths thinning, smells the sent of blood, coppery, and something else, something he refuses to name, he passes out.

He only only fully realizes what's happening the third time. He goes numb after the fifth. The twelfth time he doesn't fight anymore. The twentieth time, he stares at the ceiling, wishing he could die.

Every time he wakes up, he finds himself in that situation over and over, again and again, he wants it to 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘨𝘰𝘥 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗽. He has nothing left to give, so why is Jianluo still there? It hurts, it hurts, it hu𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘴 IT HUR-

When he wakes up days later he finally finds himself alone, everything hurts, he feels sore, even breathing hurts his lungs, he can’t move, can't feel his legs, everything 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩, it feels like hours until he's finally able to get up, his body groans, his legs feel like lead, later he gets the news that Jianluo gave him a few days off, he doesn't think he would have been able to do his chores anyway.

He continues on like normal, like nothing happened, ignores the phantom touchs, the fact that he constantly feels sick, the urge to flinch whenever a man gets near him or when he hears a loud sound, he ignores everything, convinces himself that night was only his dreams, nothing real, just a nightmare.

He continues feeling sick, the smell of food nauseating, the pain increases, it goes on for weeks, long after the physical aches leave, he hopes it's not what he thinks, he hopes the gods will grant him this one mercy. It continues on until Jianluo finally brings a doctor to examine him. He hates how touchy the doctor is, even if necessary. He keeps praying for it to not be thinks, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘥 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘤𝘺. He keeps praying even though he knows the Gods won't listen to a lowly slave like him, they didn't listen when he was a street rat, why would they listen now? Still, he keeps praying, even when he sees the creases on the doctor's face increasing, even when the doctor turns around and talks to Jianluo, only stops when he hears the cursed words.

"𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘰𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘨𝘯𝘢𝘯𝘵"

No no NO WHYWHYWHYWH- he feels his mouth drying, the cold sweat forming, it's been 5 weeks since that night, the night he convinced himself wasn't real, he always hated his body, a twisted mixture of both a male and a female body, he hated it more than ever now, he hoped to ignore it's existence until his death, live as a boy, but he can't ignore it now, now he has a parasite growing inside him.

Jianluo forces him to keep it, forces him to grow it, it would make a good playmate for Haitang after all, he knows it's a way fo keep him in line, to stop him from running, he can't run with that thing inside him, or even after it's born, Jianluo gives him more food now, for the child, he says, he hates it, he prefers to starve than be forced to be given all this food, all these clothes, hates it, Haitang of course doesn’t suspect anything, only thinks that him and Jianluo loved eachother that's why they now have a child, he hates this, hates constantly pretending, hates the food, the clothes, the mock concern, hates how he's dressed on more female clothes, clothing more fitting a prostitute or a concubine, hates how Jianluo acts as if he's no longer a slave, even gives him his own room, he still hasn't destroyed the slave contract, he's still a slave, the only difference is that he's in a bigger cage, hates how the lumps of fat on his chest only keep growing, hates the whispers of the other slaves and guards, whispers about how much of a whore he is.

Due to his age and weakness of his body, he can't give birth normally, he learns, he'll be forced to give birth by surgical delivery, will have his stomach cut open to get that 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 out, the pregnancy is unfortunately going well, the parasite is growing well, while he feels himself growing weaker, everything he has being taken by the parasite, wasn't Qi-ge leaving him enough? Won't the Gods give him any mercy?

The due date comes and the surgery is operated on him, he isn't given anything for the pain, is tied down to stop him from moving, he feels everything, the cuts, the blood, the parasite getting removed, feels the binds on wrists and ankles, the touches, feels his throat getting more and more hoarse, feels so unreadablely hot, yet so cold, he passes out when the pain is too much.

He's given a few days' rest yet is still expected to breastfeed the child, keep the child safe, and he closes his eyes again, drifting to sleep.

He keeps drifting in and out of sleep, waking only to feed and change the parasite, or to wash himself and eat, the wound where the child got out of throbs constantly, the doctors come and check on it under Jianluo's orders, after all, he can’t have his favorite toy too hurt after it gave him an heir.

He learns that he's no longer just a slave to Jianluo but a concubine too, he feels the tears burning his eyes, he refuses to let them fall, refuses to show more weakness, he let's Jianluo use him, every time he tries to resist the child -𝘡𝘩𝘪𝘺𝘶𝘢𝘯- is threatened every time he tries something, he doesn’t love the child like a mother should but he doesn't want it to be hurt, he lets himself be dressed in clothes fitting a concubine, that's what he is now, after all, he continues playing with Haitang, watches her cooing and playing with the child, tries his best to protect her from her brother's stares, to not let her see the darkness of the household.

Jianluo seems to like his sucking his breast whenever he forces himself on him, likes sucking the milk meant for Zhiyuan, like the overgrown child he is.

It's almost six months later when Zhiyuan gets an illness and dies, Shen Jiu feels something in him break, feels himself mourning, and is immediately forced to have another child, not given a chance to rest, this time, Jianluo seems to like touching him more when he's pregnant the second time, still sucks his breast, he hates how his breasts keep getting bigger, how his body is resembling the female body more and more.

The pregnancy was going well until a carriage hit him when he was shopping with Haitang one day, he feels the blood flowing down his thighs, his legs, he knows what the means, he hopes he's wrong, he's immediately carried to the doctor where he finds out he's miscarried, the carriage drives was of course punished by Jianluo, he doesn't care enough to know how exactly, the next day Jianluo forces himself on him again.

He burns down the Qiu mansion a week later, killing all the men, leaving only the women and children. He aborts the third child the second he realizes he's pregnant a third time.

Chapter 2: Loss of a life

Summary:

Yu Wanzi is a despicable man and Shen Jiu is stuck with him

Staying with Yu Wanzi was... complicated, he couldn't tell if it was worse than the Qiu's or worse, Yu Wanzi is simply a despicable man who lies, cheats, kills and steals and makes Shen Jiu act as a bait and as a helper or simply sends him to do the dirty work, yet he still teaches him i̶f̶ o̶n̶l̶y̶ h̶e̶ r̶e̶a̶l̶i̶z̶e̶d̶ e̶a̶r̶l̶i̶e̶r̶ w̶h̶a̶t̶ h̶e̶ w̶a̶d̶ t̶r̶a̶i̶n̶i̶n̶g̶ h̶i̶m̶ t̶o̶ b̶e̶.

These days, for some reason, the milk in Shen Jiu's breasts refuses to dry. In fact, it only keeps getting better, he doesn't know why, at first he thought it was because his body still wasn't to not feeding a child and doesn't realize there's no more child to feed, but it’s been a month and he's still lactating, he tried researching why this could be happening but found nothing.

Amd thus, after one more month of him lactating and his chest still gets bigger, he decided to ask Wu Yanzi (𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯 𝘰𝘶𝘵) according to Yu Wanzi he has a condition called Galactorrhea which was probably caused by the hormonal imbalance, he notices the look Yu Wanzi gives but he ignores it.

He only realizes what it means a week later when Wanzi gives him a weird tea, he says it's to help his cultivation yet he feels weid after drinking it, drowsy, dizzy, feels like he's not breathing enough, feels heat between his legs, it's wet, his eyes widen as he realizes what happened, no, no NO, FUCK! He should have realized something wrong when Wanzi gave him the tea.

He slowly gets dizzier and feels weirder and weider. He falls down on the floor, his knees too weak to hold him, and he sees Wanzi's feet in front of him, slowly making their way towards him

“Oh? Is the little whore too weak against some drugs? And here I thought you would be able to handle it, let this master take care of his disciple, I'm sure a cheap whore like you would find it helpful.”

He can't move his arms, his legs, anything, he thought this wouldn't happen again so why? Shen Jiu let's himself get lost in the pleasure, after all, if he can't help it, he might as well enjoy it.

He feels Yu Wanzi slowly peel his clothes off, feels him gazing at his chest with barely concealed lust, Yu Wanzi slowly starts touching his left chest, his right hand slowly pinching his right nipple, feels it harden, feels the milk flowing from it, feels Yu Wanzi sucking his right nipple and drinking from it, he can only let out moans and he starts losing him self.
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When Yu Wanzi first saw this brat, he could practically feel the overflow of Yin energy from him, perfect for a cauldron, the fact that he had a pretty face and a nice body were all bonuses, he has been slowly training the boy to be his perfect little cauldron since he started training him, and today is finally the day where he reaps the benefits, he put some aphrodisiacs and qi loosening drugs into the tea he gave the boy, even tho the boy barely needs it.

When he plays with the boy's breasts, he's reminded of dough, the way the milk flows from them is almost hypnotic, the boy's flushed skin is something that can rival the most seductive scuubi, he slows sinks one finger in the boy's folds, oh, so wet, and so soft yet still ss tight as a virigin despite giving birth before, it's so tempting to just impregnate the boy, fill him with babies, ah, such a nice fantasy, he can feel himself get harder and harder.

After entering a few more fingers, he decides that that's enough preparation as he sinks into the boy, the heat readily welcoming him and sucking him more and more, he starts taking the boys Yin, using him as cauldron he is, his Yin is so cool and just ready to be taken, his folds wet with slick, his dick so small and cute, his plump ass so soft, the boy's moans echo in the room, the sound more filthy and seductive than any courtesan can produce, it does nothing but make Wanzi closer to his climax.

He moves slowly at the start before thrusting in harder and harder, sinking in more and more into the heat, the boy's walls tightening more every time he sucks the boy's breasts, the milk tastes sweet, more addictive than any wine or drug, he quickly reaches his climax and spills into the boy, filling him up, he's slowly pulls away feeling the boy's walls trying to pull him in, what a dirty slut the boy is, maybe he can start whoring him out, he knows people will pay gold for someone like the boy.

He sees the fluids oozing out the boy's hole. He almost wants to go round two, but that would be too hard if he takes too much energy from the boy. He pulls the boy to the river and starts cleaning him up, getting all the fluids out of the boy, and then laying him on the bed. He already has a new plan for the boy.
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When Shen Jiu wakes up his whore body is sore, and his qi feels almost non-existent, he can barely even move, when he sees Wu Yanzi memories from the night before and his anger flare up, how dare he? How dare that disgusting man treat him like the courtesans he visits daily?

“Oh? Look who woke up, did you have a good sleep, little cauldron?” he hears Yu Wanzi say, and his face immediately goes white at the nickname “What do you mean?” he thought Wanzi was going to just use him for his body he didn't expect to he used like 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀.

“Silly boy, did you think I actually took an interest in just your talent? Your energy is what I'm truly after, and now you're going to be a good little cauldron for me, aren't you?” Shen Jiu couldn't talk, couldn't say anything, what could he say? He's powerless in this. He has no choice. He escaped from a cage only to end up in another one. Wu Yanzi seems to take his silence as agreement as he leans down and kisses the frozen Shen Jiu. “Good little slave, Jiu'er, always ready to obey”

The next week, Yu Wanzi starts whoring him out, selling him to the highest bidder, as if he's a courtesan, how funny, he was kind of like this with the Qiu's wasn’t he? Except it was only the master of the house and Jianluo, now it's for anyone willing to pay for a good fuck or a cauldron, who would have thought this is how his life would turn out?

He hates this, but he feels himself getting more and more used to it, more used to letting his body being used more and more, he hates his body for getting used to this, for finding pleasure in it, how dare his body betray him like that, wasn't constructive lactating enough? Wasn't having being forced to be a breeding dog for the Qui's enough? Now he's forced to do everything courtesans do, dance, entertain, sing, play instruments, he hates this, hates dressing up in these robes that show too much cleavage, too much skin, he hates the pleasure he feels, hates himself for letting himself get in this situation in the first place he hates this, hates how lustful the customers are, how they keep complimenting his body and how tight it is, he hates how his body started craving the touch more and more, no matter how much he despises it he keeps craving it, he's completely ruined now, he thinks.

He hates his stupid condition, how the "customers" keep staring and sucking at his chest and staring at it as if it's a forbidden delicacy, hates how his chest his just keeps getting larger and larger, filled more and more as if he's a cow constantly milked, heh, from a dog to a cow, he'll always be an animal it seems, no matter what, no matter how much he tries to run, maybe even less than an animal, at least animals get sympathy, he gets nothing, only more and more lust, he wishes to be free but he knows he won't ever be free, knows he'll always be used like a used tissue, knows that he'll only be good at being a cauldron, he knows that Yu Wanzi is ruining his cultivation yet he doesn't have it in him to care, why would he? He's nothing but a broken toy now, just something for people to use and toss away, something for people to get stronger while he gets weakened. He wishes for just one kindness, just one kind person who won't abandon or use him.

A year later, they go to the Immortal Alliance Conference (by bribes, money made from selling Shen Jiu), where he sees someone he never thought he'd see again, there dressed in Cang Qiong Sect robes is Yue Qi, his Qi-ge, the brother who abandoned him in the hellhole of a place, when Yu Wanzi tries to kill Yue Qi, Shen Jiu doesn't realize what he's doing until the sword is already in Yu Wanzi, stabbed in the heart, the same way he taught him to, he sees Yue Qi look at him and recognizing him, is silent as Yue Qi holds him close, tears in his eyes, saying how happy he is to see him alive, as if he wasn't the one to abandon him.

When Shen Jiu tries to leave, Yue Qi immediately stops him, begging Shen Jiu to join the sect, how sorry he was for leaving, how he won't do if again, how he'll make sure no one will know Shen Jiu's connection to Yu Wanzi, Shen Jiu agrees, what else can he do? Resist? He he no where to go, no will be willing to take him in, at most he'll start working in a brothel, at worst he'll die. So Shen Jiu goes to Cang Qiong Sect, gets chosen to be Qing Jing disciple, he hates this life, like he hates many others.

But he continues in it, he doesn't have a choice after all. Even if rumors continue spilling about him, about how he's a probably spoiled noble’s son, how he probably seduced Yue Qingyuan, how he's probably just a cheap whore, how he's a lecherous man and that's why he's constantly going to brothels, it doesn't matter, he didn't choose this life, so he'll play into the role, after all he's nothing if not a good actor and a performer.

Notes:

I have no idea what I'm writing, ik terrible sex scene but it's my first time, bear with me, anyway, hope you like it, please comment if there's something wrong in it

Chapter 3: One day, I'll will grow wings

Summary:

Shen Jiu realizes he can't ever run away from his past

Notes:

Thank you so much for all the positive reactions, I didn't expect so many people to read this, I hope i continue improving and for you to like the chapters, and please if there are any problems do tell me and comments are always appreciated

Staying in Qing Jing peak wasn't all that different from the rest of his life. He just has to follow the rules, obey, and nothing else. Sure, there are some people who bully him about his late start, how he probably only gained Yue Qingyuan's Yue Qingyuan not Qi-ge recommendation due to  being a young master that took advantage of Yue Qingyuan, how he probably paid his position to the top, how he's probably rich and spoiled and that's why he acts like that, why he acts above them, why the hallmasters and Shizun favor him.

It's fine, Shen Jiu tells himself, it's better than living on the streets, it's better than selling his body to strangers and whatever else Wu Yanzi sold his body to, he still danced, he did like doing that, and he still played instruments, it was a part of being in Qing Jing and it was something he liked, overall he was making good progress, he wasn't too behind his peers, while his cultivation was a little worse due to being used as a cauldron and his late start, it wasn't all that bad and he was slightly improving, even if he was behind on his cultivation, he was doing well in his studies, he had top grades and was good in the four arts, way better than some of those nobles anyway.

Everything was going a lot better than most of the things in his life, but the rumors were annoying, the stares full of hatred and disgust after the Bai Zhan brutes caught him going to the brothel, rumors of him being lecherous started appearing, of him lusting over the female disciples no matter their age, what he's doing in the brothels what do they know? They don't know how lucky it is to live the life that they live. Why should he care about some prissy nobles?

More than the looks, he hates how Yue Qingyuan looks at him, how, with every rumor, he looks more and more disappointed, hates the looks of guilt every time he looks at him, as if he's searching for something that no longer exists, as if he's still searching for his Xiao Jiu, how silly, as if Xiao Jiu can exist again, he hates the gifts, the favoritism, everything, he wishes he can sleep forever, wishes he can just die, wishes he can be free of everything, but he can't die, not after everything he did, everything he fought for, everything he suffered, he must survive, if he doesn't, what else can he do?

He wishes for one person to see what he truly feels, how he doesn't want to hurt people, doesn't mean to be rude, but it's his default defense, he can’t help feeling caged, how the bindings on his chest are tight to the point he can't breathe, how he constantly deviates due to being a cauldron, how his body constantly produces more and more Yin, so he visits the brothels, gives them his extra Yin, only by touch of course, he won't dual cultivate with them, only touch their hands, shoulders, any place that he deems safe and not intimate so he can share his energy, even if they don’t know he's sharing it and think he just likes the contact, he also likes the women's company and he liked teaching them when they want to, when he feels too much.

He finally found a way to not have to constantly bind his chest constantly. It's a simple technique used mostly by female disciples, but it's extremely useful and allows him to breathe easier. He's still producing milk, obviously, but the spell and extra layers of robes help. Who cares if his sect siblings continue seeing him as more and more prissy due to his clothes? Nothing they can say or do hasn't already been done to him.

But lately, Shen Jiu is more and more confused, for some reason, his traitor of a body has been craving touch, Shen Jiu is not stupid he knows his body is the only good thing on him, the only thing of value, he can’t help thinks how Yue Qingyuan would probably stay with him more if he offered his body, how he'll probably be more liked that way, give him the answers he wants, but he can't do that, he hates it, he has a standard to uphold, he's a cultivator now not some cauldron or courtesan, so why can't his body accept that, why does he feel the need to sell his body? Why? Is he truly that vile? That ruined? Why can't he be normal? Even prostitutes have more dignity than something like him. What can he do?

He decides to ignore the feelings, only rarely touching himself. He knows he can do it with the courtesans, but the mere thought makes him want to throw up, if he uses them like that he'll be no better than Wu Yanzi or even Qiu Jianluo, besides, he's not even interested in them like that, he wants someone to use him, even if the thought makes him sick to his stomach.

One day, after a fight with the brute, Shen Jiu decided to steal some drugs for them infirmary, God knows how they have more than they need, and finally, after trying the drugs, drugs he doesn't care to know the name of, he feels free, as if nothing matter, as if he's a bird free from all burdens, it makes him want to chase that high and more, makes him forget the phantom hands on him, makes him forget his wants, he feels free, almost content, happy, something he felt he lost the feeling to do, it makes him look more standoff-ish, sure but his reputation is already ruined, he feels more clear headed than he ever did.

He doesn't care to correct the brute when he accuses him of trying to kill him, doesn't care to correct the rumors about himself, he only care about the drugs and how to improve, he learns how to make them himself, it's fairly easy, later on, he tries alcohol, it reminds him of the drugs but it has an unpleasant aftertaste, he decides he doesn't like it, too bitter, he goes to smoking, he doesn't like it either, reminds him too much of Qiu Jianluo, he decides drugs are probably the best, they fulfilled all his needs and bring him relief without his dislikes, so he takes more and more, refuses the check ups, makes sure no one notices.

The drugs help him ignore how much he craves touch yet despises it, helps him ignore how lonely he is, how he'll probably be forever alone, helps him ignore the pull of stabbing a sword through his own throat, through his stomach, helps ignore how he wants to choke himself how he wants to overdose on the drugs.

His Shizun, of course, later on notices his condition, he ignores how every time his drugs look like they’re finishing, they mysteriously increase, as if they were never used, he knows what the older man is doing, he just doesn't care, nor will he ever care, why would he care if the man uses him for his body, even when he absolutely despises it, what's one more person to the ever-growing list, once a slave always a slave, no matter how much they're dressed in silk and jewels, he'll always be slave number nine, the cauldron, no matter how much he tries to hide it, or fight it, the truth will always remain.

So when his Shizun permotots him to head disciple and moves him room closer than necessary, he doesn't say anything, who will listen to someone like him anyway? So when his Shizun enters his room at night, all under the disguise of helping him regulate his Qi, he doesn't complain, doesn't say anything, just smiles, let's himself get lost in the moment, in the pleasure, laughs even, acts like an attentive lover, after all, isn't touch what he has been craving, so he takes it, takes the praise, the touches, everything, even if after it he's throwing up, rubbed his skin raw, he's a good toy, after all, always pleasing who owns him, always giving them pleasure, who cares what a slave likes him has to say? Besides, his cultivation is increasing, and his Shizun is gentle and overall good enough in bed, so he has nothing to complain about, even if he's constantly on the verge of a panic attack every time he gets touched without the drugs.

Shen Jiu doesn't bother fighting anymore. What use does it serve? He is and always will be a dirty used cauldron meant to please those above him in rank. His being a cultivator doesn't change anything now, not much anyway, but it does mean he won't have to serve and please those below him in rank, people who should be above him yet he outranks, it hardly means anything but he likes the thought nonetheless.

So, Shen Jiu does what he does best, pretend, pretend to the point he forgets the real him, to the point his memories start getting hazy, and he continues taking the drugs, it helps him concentrate, helps ignore everything, so he continues taking it.

It helped him ignore the time he helped Yue Qingyuan when he was drugged out of his mind from the sex pollen Yue Qingyuan doesn't remember, why should he?, it helps him ignore how his Shizun gets lost in rambling when he gives in too much pleasure, constantly mumbling about how he wants to impregnate him, leave a piece of him with Jiu, take him with him when he ascends, how his boobs are the perfect size, how sweet his milk is, how he constantly mumbles his name in sleep, it doesn't matter, how the other students are jealous of his Shizun's favoritism, as long as they don't suspect anything it doesn't matter, it won't ever matter, he's only doing his job of pleasing those of higher standing.

Yes, after all, Shen Jiu is a very good slave and a good toy.

Even when he got pregnant, even when he's forced to have the child, his Shizun looks so happy, forcing his student to have his child, when he's forced to stop taking the drugs, hates how nauseous that makes him feel, this time he birthed naturally, he hates it, he completely hates touch now, hates every time he's forced to please his Shizun, when he's forced to part with his child, the child he couldn't even name before it was sent away, still he doesn't complain, he takes the drugs more and more now, spends more time in brothels, drowns himself in work and training even when others think the reason for his ruined cultivation is his visits to brothels, how he's probably tricking his Shizun into thinking he's some righteous person.

He doesn't care, won't ever care, why should he? What do people like them even know? How would they ever know? He doesn't care even when his immunity to the drugs increases, simply gets new drugs, doesn't care when he becomes Shen Qingqiu, ignoring how the name makes him want to rip his insides, it's his name alone now, no matter how it reminds him of his past, not when he gains his spiritual sword. He doesn't care when he hates touches from men more and more, how even being in the same room as them makes him nervous. How dare he have such weaknesses? So he acts ruder, ignores the looks, the whispers, the rumors, the looks Yue Qingyuan gives him, the disappointment, the guilt, the gifts, he's Shen Qingqiu now, the rude noble, not Shen Jiu, the dirty slave.

As long as no one knows the truth, as long as no one cares enough, he's fine with ignoring it. Is fine with taking enough drugs to completely ignore everything, make everything a nice haze, yet still sharp enough to plan and be alert, it took a lot of practice and studying to know the exact amount but he's content, his pain is less now, not constant, it helps him when he's in a place full of men, makes him act more confident, makes helping his Shizun easier, so he he takes more and more, keeps building more and more immunity.

Until one day, he starts taking poisons, not enough to kill him just enough to feel life slipping, he laughs the first time he does it, who knew being on the brink of death feels so good so he continues taking them, continues the drugs, the poisons, even when his Shizun ascends, even when he doesn’t have to please anyone, it makes him feel in control, so it's fine. He's content.

He continues doing that even when he becomes peak lord, hiding all the evidence, he still has qi deviation but he knows how to deal with them himself, so he has no reason to go to the infirmary, he knows how to take care of his own wounds, he's not the brute.

Yes, Shen Qingqiu is slightly content now, even with the constant emptiness inside him that's only ever growing.

Chapter 4: Flow of time

Summary:

Yue Qingyuan knows something is wrong

Notes:

Hello, thank you all so much for the support, I really liked all your comments, thank you so much for the support and kudos, I'm so thankful, and I'm here to also say I won't be able to post for a while. Unfortunately I have exams, but I do hope you like this chapter, even if it's quite short, I hope you like it and hope you like Yue Qingyuan's pov and if there's anything you think could be better please do comment, or just comment in general, comments and kudos are extremely encouraging. Once again, thank you and enjoy the chapter

During the Immortal Alliance Conference, when Yue Qingyuan saw his Xiao Jiu alive, breathing, he felt as if it was a hallucination, something his mind made up, something out of his many dreams and fantasies. When he saw the hatred in the eyes of the one he left, he didn't blame him, Xiao Jiu saving him doesn't mean he's forgiven, if only he wasn't so impatient, so reckless then his Xiao Jiu wouldn't have had to suffer.

He knows that nothing he'll do or say will serve as an explanation, nothing will be good enough, they were only in this situation due to Qingyuan's own recklessness, he's sure that even if he tells Xiao Jiu his reason he won't be forgiven, after all it's not enough, he doesn't know what his reason of life suffered, and something in him is saying that it's better that he doesn't know, so he can do nothing but give apologies, gifts, even if he knows it's not enough, so when the rumors start he ignores them, he does nothing, what right does he have to interfere with the life of the one he failed?

He also ignores how the Qing Jing peak lord stares at Xia- Shen Jiu he no longer has the right to call him Xiao Jiu because what can he do? Ignores how Shen Jiu constantly goes to brothels, ignores every fault because he knows he doesn't deserve to say anything.

Which is why he was surprised when Shen Jiu was the one who helped him when he was affected by the sex pollen. He knew he had to dual cultivate with someone, but he never expected the person to be Shen Jiu, so he dual cultivated with him, took the chance to act out every fantasy he had of his Xiao Jiu, he had to admit, he was surprised to see how his Xiao Jiu was like, he definitely didn't expect the milk and his breasts he decided to ignore the marks on his skin, the stretch marks, the scar on his abdomen, he refuses to go down that thought, it only makes him more guilty, knowing if only he was faster these things wouldn't have happened, so he lies to himself that they're not there, and that they happened because of Shen Jiu's free will

He took his chance during the effects of the sex pollen. He knows it's selfish, but it was what he fantasized about during his time in the caves. No matter how wrong it was, he ignored the guilt and only focused on the pleasure. Later on, he threw up when he finally came to, the guilt being too much. How could he? How could he use the one he loved like that? Why couldn't he be normal?

So he gave his Xiao Jiu more gifts, more presents, because there was nothing else to do other than ignore that that night even happened, ignored how much Shen Jiu kept looking weaker, how his eyes almost always looked empty, hazy, he ignored the implications of that like how he ignored the implications of the marks on the other's body. He ignored it like he ignored everything because what can he do? He deserves every drop of hate his Xiao Jiu gives him, every curse, every tea thrown at his face, everything.

He only wishes Shen Jiu doesn't always look like that, like he already lost himself, as if he has nothing to live for, as if he has nothing, he knows that maybe giving him an explanation will work but he can't, his explanation is useless, it's not enough, it's not enough of a reason to leave his Xiao Jiu in that hell, to it leading him to being with that Demonic Cultivator, so he hid his Xiao Jiu's connection to these things.

But lately, he has been getting dreams, dreams of what seems like the future, a future with his Xiao Jiu being the Qing Jing peak lord, of him in a trial, being silent, not once defending himself, being falsely accused, to being in the water prison, to having his limbs ripped, of being tortured, of his getting a letter with Xiao Jiu's legs, of himself dying by a thousand arrows, of watching his Xiao Jiu being used by that demon that he still doesn't know the name or face of, of his Xiao Jiu being turned into that demon's concubine and being pulled apart and put together again, of watching how his Xiao Jiu suffered with the Qiu's and Wu Yanzi, of everything his Xiao Jiu went through, to his Xiao Jiu killing himself while in that water prison with the shards of his sword, of being the reason his Xiao Jiu died, how his death was what broke Shen Jiu, he thought they were just nightmares but the things in the dream started happening in real life.

When he realized what they were, he immediately started thinking of how to stop them from happening, so he first went and found Qiu Haitang, the reason his Xiao Jiu was in the trial in the first place and decided to get rid of her, he failed to protect Xiao Jiu in one timeline, he won't do the same mistakes again, but he still refused telling him about the Lang Xi caves, he knows it will only make Xiao Jiu hurt, make him blame himself, so he won't tell him, he knows now he shouldn't stop Xiao Jiu from taking the drugs and poisons but can't, he can’t force him to do anything, even when it's for his own good, he knows that that is wrong of him but he just can't, his Xiao Jiu suffered enough, he won't take his release away.

So he watches from afar, trying to ensure it won't go too far, trying to stop any dangers lurking, yet he still doesn't know who that demon is, how can he protect his Xiao Jiu if he doesn't know who the most important danger is? He only knows it's a heavenly demon, but it's impossible for it to be Tianlang-Jun. He's sealed with no way out, so who?

Why would a demon be that obsessed with Xiao Jiu? It doesn't matter. He stopped the trial from happening, so it doesn't matter. He'll set things right this time no matter the cost. He will save Shen Jiu.

Chapter 5: Jealousy

Summary:

Shen Qingqiu wonders

Notes:

Hello, I must thank you again for the kudos, and I'm glad to inform you. My exams are over, do I have any idea if I passed or not? No, am I glad it's over? Yes, and that's all that matters, anyway I hope you like this chapter even tho it's rushed and I wrote it half asleep

With Shen Qingqiu now being a peak lord he of course, had more responsibilities, they were not that different from his duties as a head disciple yet they felt a lot harder, as if they caused an invisible weight on him, he barely took any disciples, none were good enough, but the last disciple he took Ning Yingyinh, reminded him too much of his first child, maybe that's why he took a favoritism to her, some maternal instincts to make things right with the child he couldn't protect. Ning Yingying, in his opinion, is too kind, yet he couldn't bring himself to ruin the light in her eyes, sure, new rumors started about how he's probably grooming her, had lecherous thoughts about her and the like but what do they know? What right do they have to talk?

It seems these weren't the only rumors about him, as there were new ones about how abusive he is, about how much he unfairly punished his students, can't they see? Can't they see that this "abuse" is what will make them stronger? What right do they have to complain? What he's doing isn't half as bad as what he's been through. They had everything handed to them on a silver platter, yet the second they experience hardship, it's abuse?

They won't survive a second in the real world with how pampered they are. He knows what he's doing isn't exactly kind, but it's kindness in its own way to him, teaching them to be wary, teaching them to let go of their childish dreams lest they become disappointed, he knows the way he acts makes if as if he hates them, yet he knows he doesn't, he cares no matter how much he doesn't show it, he doesn't want these kids hurt.

With his new responsibilities, of course, he started taking more of his drugs, yet lately, it's as if he keeps forgetting things, everything is almost always hazy, he finds himself doing things he can't control, hitting disciples too hard, glaring too much, keeps having more memory problems, barely remembering anything, more and more qi deviations, he ignores these things of course, they haven't done that much harm he tries not to think about how he's become so much worse as if he's no longer in charge of anything in his body or mind

Recently, he took on a new disciple, Luo Binghe, was his name he ignores the shiver at the name he didn't originally want that kid but Ying Ninganing kept insisting on a new younger disciple, and Liu Qingge seemed to want that kid so he did it just to spite him, he planned on ignoring that kid, he wasn't suitable for any of the four arts anyways, he was more suitable for physical cultivation, he still doesn't realize what was going through his mind when he choose him, his tea ceremony was terrible, he can’t deny the jealousy be felt of the boy, how they're so similar yet so different, why does he get better luck? What did he do differently he knows how rotten he was even as a child yet he's still jealous He ignores how he didn't mean to pour the tea on the boy, how it probably seemed as if he hated him from the second he saw him, it's not his fault the boy can't distinguish medicinal tea to regular one, couldn't he see how the cuts on his arm healed right after he ignores how he wanted the boy to hurt, seeing him smile so happily

He made the boy a new manual, one that's different from the rest. The boy is more suitable as a physical cultivator, so a new manual was in order. He made Ming Fan give the boy the manual. He doesn't think he can handle seeing the boy more than necessary. He'd rather not see the boy at all. Would rather not see how similar yet different they are. He knows that causes him to act harsher to the boy, punish him harder, yet what can he do? The boy has so much talent, yet he doesn't use it. Instead, he's off hanging out with Ning Yingying and skipping classes. His cultivation isn't even making any progress. What is that boy even doing??!

He eventually stops paying attention to the boy, yet he's still filled with so much jealousy, no matter how much drugs he takes, no matter how much he dissociates, it's still there, and why is Yue Qingyuan being more frustrating than usual? It's as if he's always there! Aren't these disciples enough?

He's been getting more thoughts of killing himself lately. He usually can suppress these thoughts, keep them hidden, yet his usual methods are barely working now, he keeps craving more and more, so he decides to start doing something he hated the idea of, hurting himself, making himself bleed, yet it's the only thing that works, the only thing that makes his brain quiet down, makes the thought of wanting to disappear quiet down.

Why do the God's hate him so much? Why do they curse him so? Why can't he ever have a happy ending? Is he really that rotten thar he can never have a good ending? With that, he passes out, feels the world fade away into nothing.

Hands, so many hands touching him, breaking him, things going in and out, in and out, screaming, blood, fire, the heat melting everything, his skin feels like it's being torn apart, there are screams from somewhere, it sounds like a girl? She keeps asking why, but why what? What is happening? Why is he both burning and on fire? Why is he so small?

He wakes up with a gasp, his vision slowly clearing. Why is he holding a disciplinary whip in his Habs? Why is the little beast in front of him? Why can't he remember anything? He turns around and leaves, feeling as if he's running away. Why can he be normal? Why must he feel scared of men even if they're children? Why must he always be jealous of those who are better than him? Why must he always feel hatred? Why can't he be happy? Why must he take his anger on those weaker than him?

Notes:

Thank you for reading, constructive criticism is appreciated and comments and kudos

(Off topic but does anyone have any suggestions on how to finish the fics I have open? Please I genuinely need help, I have over 200 Shen Jiu fics, I need to finish them)

Chapter 6: Don't leave me

Notes:

I hope you like this chapter, aka, the longest chapter in this fic, hope you like it, even tho there are some points that are rough, extremely rough, but hope you like it. Thank you for so much kudos and please leave kudos and comments

It has been a few months since the beast became a disciple, yet he still hasn't improved, only ever causing problems for his shixongs and being naive, seriously how has he even survived on the streets? How can he not notice how he was being taken advantage of?

All this potential, all this luck, yet he still prefers to hide behind his Shijie's skirts like some child, if he didn't want to be punished this much then maybe he should have started to actually pay attention to his classes and take cultivation seriously, how could he be such a failure with all the potential he has? Or maybe, has Shen Qingqiu judged him wrong? Maybe he truly is nothing but a street rat.

Lately, things have been going decently well for Shen Qingqiu, well, better by his standards anyway. He finally found a way to get rid of his breasts and their problem with producing milk, which felt.... freeing, especially without all the extra weight on his body, his cultivation still isn't stable, and it probably never will be, no matter how he tries, but his deviations have slightly decreased yet still, he still finds himself bitter, petty, still jealous of those better than him, jealous of how easily the other peak lords are liked while his reputation continues to get worse and worse.

Is he really so evil, so vile that he's destined to forever be hated? Not like it matters to him, it's fine, it's fine, and so he'll continue telling himself for the rest of his life.

And so he continued, he didn't have a choice anyway, it's not like he could just easily kill himself and be done with it, so he continued forward, even if the sheer idiocy and stupidity of some disciples made him lose his mind, disciples too spoiled to even know hunger or struggles.

It annoyed him to no end, for the privileged never to realize how blessed they are, it reminded him of his fellow peak lords, how they judge everything at face value, what would they know about the suffering the lower lives go through, how would they know with how high their ego is, what annoyed him more was Yue Qingyuan, how he "favors" hin yet never defended him, never came back for him, never answered his questions, only ever looked at him with his guilt filled eyes as if he was the one hurt.

Yet more than that, he hates how he still had some hope of having an explanation one day, how stupid he is, as if he has any right for an explanation.

Yet still, the fact that the little beast hasn't improved annoys him to no end, so he asked for a disciple to call the little beast over. Maybe that will give him an answer. When the little beast was brought, he looked almost like a servant, with his robes almost as if they had been pulled too much, as if they don’t truly fit him, his face having a bruise, and his hair not even being done well, it angered him.

"Little beast, how long have you been in this peak?" He asked, with as much as of a neutral tone as he can manage, he can tell by the boy's flinch that he couldn't truly hide his anger "This disciple has been on this peak for two years, Shizun" two years and he still hasn't improved the slightest bit "Show this master your manual" he held out his hand, for some reason a voice in his head has been begging him to take a look at the manual, so he decided to listen to the voice, his instincts rarely failed him, once he was given the manual with a bow he opened it.

.....he could tell right away this wasn't the manual the boy was supposed to have. This manual was very bluntly bullshit. It would do nothing but harm the user's cultivation. The fact that the boy hasn't had a deviation is, in fact, a miracle. "Who exactly gave you this manual?" He asked as he tore it up, something like that had no business belonging to a disciple. The boy looked horrified at his manual being torn apart."Head Disciple Ming, Shizun" Ming Fan? What could push the boy to.. ugh, he'll have to punish him later then.

With that he personally gave the boy a new manual, told him to go to Qian Cao for his bruises and to An Ding to have better robes, the boy's appearance brought back terrible memories and filled him with anger, he still absolutely despised the boy but he had a duty as a peak lord, and with that Ming Fan was disqualified from being a head disciple, people like him shouldn't be put in high positions as if he isn't the same, yet here he is.

He also finally got permission to be able to go on a secluded cultivation in the Langxi caves, Gods know how much he needed the alone time, how much he needed a break from everyone and everything, especially with how weird Ning Yingying has been acting lately, whatever, he'll think of it later when he gets out.

His meditation was going fine until he heard a growl coming from somewhere only to find his Shidi lost in the madness of a deviation. Who would have thought that the one known for never having a single deviation would have one, how unfortunate that he was the only around.

He saw and felt as Liu Qingge seemed to notice him with a kick to the ribs, felt the bones groan in pain, he thinks he may have broken a bones or two, it hurts he always knew the brute had a strong punch but he didn't expect it to be stronger during a deviation, it's fine, he endured worse, he lived through worse, he just needs a chance to touch his shidi to transfer him qi, he kept dodging, he really didn't want to be stabbed by Cheng Luan, healing would be a bitch.

Finally, after what felt like forever but was probably less that half a shichen, Shen Qingqiu finally was able to get enough of a skin to skin contact to transfer qi, he finally saw the brutes eyes look more clear, finally look as if they have some thought, until of course they got overtaken by the haze again, the contact was of course cut off, and then with a sudden wave of ice flowing through his veins he realized that Liu Qingge, that brute, was attacking himself, pointing his own sword against his chest, he suddenly felt despair at how useless, unhelpful, he was in a situation, he's the strategist dammit, he should have a plan, he needs to have a plan.

He helplessly watches as Liu Qingge stabs himself as his blood oozes out, hears the thud of his body as he falls to the ground, the cave floor now covered in the blood, blood, so much, so much blood, he knows how much blood the human body has, he knows he should go to his shidi as quickly as he can but no, he just stands there, as if this is the first time the blood of another person has covered his hands, the first time he saw a dead body, hell, he killed people before so why is he now scared? Why can't he act in the most important moment he should act?

He snaps out of his stupor when he feels tears flow down his face. He finally moves to Liu Qingge's side  and starts transferring qi. He was late, too late, not strong enough, and finally, after what feels like a timeline, he can feel a reaction from the person beneath him, with that his last hold of control over himself disappears and he qi deviates.

 

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Liu Qingge was meditating in silence until he felt everything being too much, too little, too hot, too cold. It felt like he was surrounded by air but not enough of it, as if there was something stopping him from breathing, a weird sense of deja vu, like this all happened before.

He felt like he was in danger and must attack the first thing that comes his way, so he did. He was in control yet not as if this was a puppet show and he was a puppeteer, controlling everything yet away from it, sudden flashes flashed through his mind, flashes of a life long left behind.

He couldn't understand them, couldn't make them out, it felt as if he was a ghost following someone, seeing their life, their nightmares, everything, he felt so much sadness for that person, a person he knows he hurt, who protected him, but he couldn't know or see that person, he had no idea who they were only flashes of color, of blood, of pain, so much pain, pain that will make anyone insane.

He suddenly felt everything clear and saw he was choking someone while the person gives him qi, it took a second for him to recognize who it was, to realize that Shen Qingqiu was trying to save him even when he was choking him, he quickly got away from him once he felt his control slipping and quickly attacked himself.

He felt himself fall to the floor and with the blood flowing out him and felt himself slipping, he felt as a coolie qi flowed through him, the qi of the one who he tried to kill, he suddenly understood that those flashes were of Shen Qingqiu's no his savior's life and of his own past life.

The past life where he was a ghost stuck to Shen Qingqiu, unable to protect him as he should, unable to do anything, ust a ghost stuck watching the followers, to say he was disappointed his body wasn't properly examined was an understatement, the way his martial siblings just let go of one pf their own, the torture Shen Qingqiu endured, it was all too much, and now he's back here, back to the point everything went downhill.

He suddenly felt as if he could breathe again, as if he was alive again. Wasn't he supposed to die? So, how is he alive? Did Shen Qingqiu actually manage to save him? He searched for Shen Qingqiu with his eyes only to see him have his own deviation, just as he was about to get up and rush to him his savior fell on his own, completely passed out

He quickly went to him. Shen Qingqiu's body was hot to the touch, yet he was shivering, completely covered in blood and bruises, his qi dangerously low, probably a fever judging from the high body temperature, he quickly carried his savior in his arms he was too light, felt too small and rushed to Qian Cao, he needed Mu Qingfang.

Reaching Qian Cao in record speed he quickly asked for Mu Qingfang, the disciples seeing him covered in blood and with a body with hin quickly went to inform the their shizun and bring him, while some other disciples lead him to a private room, finally, Mu Qingfang came and started inspecting them both and treating them both, it seems they both were going to be stuck on Qian Cao for a long time, Shen Qingqiu specifically, his injuries were bad and his deviation just made them worse, a lot worse.

In contrast, Liu Qingge's injuries weren't as bad, other than the wound on his chest which started slowly healing ever since Shen Qingqiu started giving him qi and his slight qi imbalance due to the deviation he was fine (it made him sick, how the one that tried to help got the short end on the stick).

He answered all of Mu Qingfang's questions about the incident, although he really didn't want to talk to him still remembering what happened in the last life, how Mu Qingfang took the rumors of Shen Qingqiu killing him as fact instead of property examining his body, instead of properly doing his job, it made him angry, so he stormed out as soon as he could and coincidental saw the sect leader there, saw for a slight second complete hate I'm his eyes towards him, but for what? He couldn't know, considering the last timeline he didn't know what to think of the sect leader anymore, on one hand he didn't try to truly defend Shen Qingqiu but he also got himself killed trying to save Shen Qingqiu.

He couldn't for the life of him understand that man, yet he felt like he couldn't completely trust him, as if there was something..... off about him, whatever, he'll think about it later, he has beasts to hunt, he feels stronger than he ever felt he tries not to think about how it was probably because Shen Qingqiu gave him so much, how it was so easy for Shen Qingqiu to just give that much qi, tries not to think about how to became that easy for Shen Qingqiu to just give that much qi, he needs to burn off that extra energy, he needed to do something, anything until Shen Qingqiu wakes up, he has so much to apologize for, so many debts to repay.

And most of all, a certain half-demon and a certain peak lord.

The demonic came invasion came just as it did the last timeline, except this time, Liu Qingge was there. Shen Qingqiu should have been here. He was able to defeat the demons with a lot less casualties and injured disciples. Shen Qingqiu still hasn't woken up. His fever still kept going higher. He can see Zhangmen-shixiong getting more and more restless, the other peak lords whispering about how if Shen Qingqiu was just a little less power hungry, a little less arrogant he wouldn't be this affected by a qi deviation, Liu Qingge made sure to fight his martial siblings who said that but it still angered him that they were so concerned with his deviation while complaining overlooking Shen Qingqiu's. What do they know? What will they ever know?

 

It took a total of two weeks for Shen Qingqiu to finally wake up, Liu Qingge was away at that time. When he returned and found out Shen Qingqiu woke up, he quickly rushed to see him only for Mu Qingfang to stop. he seriously doesn't have the time he needs to see Shen Qingqiu!! .

"Liu-shidi," Mu Qingfang started, looking at him with a weird look in his eyes. "I know you want to rush and see Shen-shixong, but before you enter, you must understand that he woke up.......different" Liu Qingge didn't want Mu Qingfang to running around in circles "Just tell me what's wrong" Liu Qingge knows he put too much anger in that word but he couldn't help it, he needed to apologize and quick. Mu Qingfang took a deep breath before replying "Shen-shixong lost his memory, he doesn't remember anything, not even his name, his personality is completely different, the only thing he remembers is his knowledge and his skills, nothing else, it seems the deviation was stronger than what he thought"

Liu Qingge couldn't believe what he was hearing his shixong doesn't remember anything, nothing, like a clean slate, he remembers nothing good or bad, Liu Qingge doesn't know what to think, on one hand Shen Qingqiu doesn't remember him on the other he doesn't remember the bad things that happened to him.

Liu Qingge slowly went to the room Shen Qingqiu was staying in, finding him reading on his bed looking... peaceful

"Shen Qingqiu" Liu Qingge started without even realizing, Shen Qingqiu turns to look at him, his eyes look so innocent, like that of a child. Shen Qingqiu tilts his head. "Yes?" He asked as if he's not sure if he should "you Don't remember?" Liu Qingge found himself asking "I'm sorry" replied Shen Qingqiu with a small frown "but I don't" he looked down as if ashamed of that just then, Shen Qingqiu's youngest female disciple, -Ning Yingying?- sudden entered completely ignoring Liu Qingge, her face covered in tears, "Shizun" she's whined as she bowed on the floor "This disciple is sorry, this disciple misses you-"

Liu Qingge left before he could hear anymore. He didn't like that disciple, seeing as how she betrayed Shen Qingqiu in their past life. He quickly stormed out of the healing pavilion, unable to bear anything anymore Shen Qingqiu doesn't remember Shen Qingqiu doesn't remember Shen Qingqiu doesn't remember Shen Qingqiu doesn't remember Shen Qingqiu doesn't- he kept repeating it to himself like a mantra, a prayer, as if that will change it, fuck, what is he supposed to do?

He needs a plan, he owes Shen Qingqiu a life debt, he needs to apologize, but now he can't do anything, Shen Qingqiu doesn't remember anything, at least the sect isn't destroyed yet, he still has time, he needs to have time.

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Luo Binghe didn't know what to do when he woke up in his younger body. He didn't know what a younger him could do. All he remembers is having a deviation after finding out the truth and killing all his wives. It seems that deviation killed him.

Maybe this time, he can protect his shizun, Luo Binghe had many regrets, one of which is never checking his Shizun's memories, being so absorbed by hate that he never bothered to look for reason.

He hated that it was too late to fix his wrongs when he finally saw his Shizun's memories. It was too late to apologize. He originally just saw them to find a new way to torture him, a new way to make him react after he stopped reacting after seeing Xuan Su's shards, he wanted to see him react again, to figure out why the sect leader cares do much for shizun, why the sect leader's death was what broke shizun.

He hated the memories, hated their pain, he saw what Qiu Haitang's "righteous and honorable" brother did to his shizun, what he did to him, his abuse to shizun, the way he used Shizun's child as leverage, the way he used him as nothing but a toy, to say he was disappointed the guy died so easily was an understatement, he deserved to be tortured, to feel everything he did to shizun and more.

He hated how Wu Yanzi used shizun, forced him to do all these crimes, then used his body, let others use his Shizun's body, forced his shizun to wear the clothes he did, how he constantly threatened shizun, hated it, and to think he thought shizun went willingly with the man.

Hated how the previous peak lord used shizun, made him have yet another child for his iwn satisfaction

He saw how his Shizun chose him out of spite yet still made him a cultivation manual just for him, hated how he never got that manual, saw how his Shizun only threw the tea on him to heal his injuries, how he only punished him because the other disciples told him he was causing trouble, how his shizun didn't know he was sleeping in the woodshed, how he thought that one day he would grow a spine and stand up for shixongs instead of just taking their chores, how he didn't truly know how bullied he was.

Hated how he let himself be constantly hated, how he let others think the worst of him, hated how he only threw him to the Abyss so he won't be killed by the other cultivators, hated how shizun never defended himself because he thought he deserved it.

Luo Binghe hated himself for causing his shizun that much pain just because he never bothered to check the truth. He hated it, so he snapped and deviated, killed all his wives, and woke up in the past, before the time when his shizun went into the caves.

He noticed that this wasn't completely the same timeline, how in this universe, shizun acted the same yet asked about the cultivation manual and noticed that it was the wrong one and was able to give him the correct one, how this time he was able to save Liu-shishu but then fell into a coma with a fever.

He was worried that once his Shizun remembered the past life, how he'll probably hate him now, yet he didn't expect for his shizun to forget everything, to just forget everything, including his name.

He was privately happy, he might have a chance now for a good shizun like the crybaby from the other universe, but he hated how Liu-shishu was constantly aroma shizun now, like a guard dog and glaring at him.

It's fine, he finally has a chance to right his wrongs, maybe even make shizun his empress, yes, that will be a great idea.

Chapter 7: Aboundenment and forgetting

Summary:

Shen Qingqiu isn't sure what he's doing but he's trying to learn

He wasn't sure what he was supposed to be doing. He didn't even know his own name. He has nothing in his memories. Everything is just a blank slate, absolutely nothing.

All he knows is that he's supposed to know those people, but he doesn't. He has no feelings towards them, no memories, they keep saying he knows them, that they work together, but he doesn't know anything only knowledge.

He feels like he hates himself, seeing those people so sad every time they see he still doesn't remember, it makes guilt eat at him, he wants them to stop please stop looking sad, he's sorry, he's sorry, he's sorry, he's sorry, he'll do what they want if they stop looking like that

There's a girl next to him, crying and apologizing no matter what he tells her. Why is she sorry? What did she do? Why won't anyone explain anything?

There's a man that comes to visit, he seems powerful, but always looking guilty, always saying sorry, why is he sorry?

There's a boy that occasionally comes, always thankful but with a look of slight regret. Why is he regretful?

There's another man that visits, almost never saying anything, just looking guilty. Why is he guilty?

The doctor tries to assure him, but there’s slight anger in his body, and again, guilt, why is he also guilty?

Why is everyone guilty? Why is everyone regretful? Why are they all sorry? Explain to him dammit! Tell him why everyone is like this! PLEASE STOP APOLOGIZING! HE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR IT!

But still, he doesn't say anything. He doesn't want them to feel like they're burdening him, so he tries to comfort them, tries to smile at them.

But still, no one answers him. Do they truly care, or do they just feel as if they failed?

He's starting to think it's the latter, but it's fine, he feels as if he's used to it, so he started acting, started to act as possible as he could, always smiling, always happy to help, he hopes that the act will satisfy them, with make them happier, will make them stop

But it doesn't help, only makes them more guilty, makes them apologize more. He wants them to stop, to explain, just stop.

Stop apologizing. Stop looking guilty. Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP

He tries to convince himself it's fine, that he doesn't feel strongly towards their apologies and their guilt filled gazes, continues to act perfectly, if only to see how they seem slightly happier when they see him smiling, it's all he can do, he can't do anything else.

He doesn't remember what they are to him or what they're supposed to represent, only feels the need to see them stop looking apologetic, if only for a second but he has a feeling that they'll never stop.

So he acts more, continues acting perfect, tries to be the best teacher he could be, tries to stop being angry at their apologies, he's useless after all.

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Ning Yingying knew she wasn't a good person, knew that despite how naive she looked she had no problems causing others pain if it meant her survival, she was a street rat before becoming a Qing Jing disciple, she knew how cruel the world was, how much her Shizun suffered just from looking at him.

Maybe that's why she found herself so close to him, why she felt as if he was the parent she never had. He understood her and never underestimated her, never saw her as less.

That's why she absolutely despised the other peak lords who claimed to be martial brothers yet immediately threw her Shizun to the dogs, she especially despised Yue Qingyuan, how he kept angering her Shizun yet her Shizun still cared for him, made sure he was always protected and that there was nothing to harm him or his position as the sect leader, she couldn't understand why her Shizun cared so much for a man like him.

Maybe that's why she was scared that Lou Binghe would replace her in her father's world. She always felt as if one day she would be cast aside in favor of the more talented street rat.

 

Maybe that's why she made sure Luo Binghe only relied on her, why he was always punished, to make her Shizun hate him so he would never replace her with him.

Maybe her fear was what caused her to immediately go to Luo Binghe's side. Her Shizun made sure she always put her own survival first, so that's what she did. Put herself first.

No matter how much it hurt her, no matter how much the guilt ate away at her as if it's a monster feeding of her flesh, her soul, she did it to survive, it's what she was always taught after all.

She hated Luo Binghe for what he did to her Shizun, how much he hurt him, for not seeing what Shizun did for him, for not even checking if his revenge was the correct thing to do, for marrying so many women that it looked like a doll collection, for not realizing the damage he was doing.

That's why she wasn't surprised when Luo Binghe lost his mind after seeing her Shizun's memories after realizing he was living a lie. She wasn't surprised when he started killing all his wives. It was bound to happen anyway.

She wasn’t surprised even surprised when he killed her. She felt glad he did it. She did what she wanted to do anyway. She was able to manipulate him into seeing Shizun's memories and made him have a deadly deviation, made sure he died along with all his poisonous wives, and for the first time, she felt truly happy.

She was confused when she woke up in the past and wondered why she was given a second chance until she realized she wasn't the only one who got that second chance. Why was Luo Binghe also given a second chance when he caused her Shizun to suffer?

Why was he given a new chance to allow his obsession to grow? She hated it, she also realized Yue Qingyuan was given a new chance. She noticed how much more protective he was, how he hunted Qiu Haitang and killed her.

She was happy her Shizun lost his memories, she kept crying and asking for his forgiveness, what else could she do? She never once protected him, while he always made sure she was happy and protected.

She was happy he didn't remember any of the bad things that happened to him, but she didn’t like how he forced himself to act happy, but what could she do? She had no right to order him. He should kill her, torture her for what she did to him, for what she allowed to happen.

She knew nothing would be able to make it up, but what could she do? She's the same as Yue Qingyuan, apparently, always apologizing but never explaining. It's funny how she became the same as the one she hated.

She noticed how he grew more obsessive along with Liu Qingge and Luo Binghe. It seems Liu Qingge also remembered, she was terrified now that her Shizun would truly forget her, even if it’s what she deserved, she refuses to believe it.

She refuses to lose her father, the only one who took her in and cared for her like no one did, the one who never saw her as less, the only one to never abandon her.

She hates them all. They were the ones who abandoned her father she did that too

But maybe this was her punishment. Her biggest fear was being forgotten by her father, and now it was becoming true, and she could do nothing to stop it other than beg for forgiveness from who doesn't remember.

Notes:

Thank you all so much for reading this story, and for all the kudo, we finally reached over 100 kudos 🥳🎊🎊 this wouldn't have happened without all of you, so thank you, and I hope you continue liking this story.

 

I know Ning Yingying is out of character here but the idea of her having a secret side has been nagging at me so I put it here, I hope you like it

Chapter 8: AUTHOR NOTE

Summary:

Not a chapter, but an apology for not having new chapters

Hello everyone, first, I want to say sorry for not updating at all, a lot of things happened including: the nerves in my dad's hand getting ruined (didn't exactly understand what the doctor said but i just understood it was about nerves), my uncle getting into a bad accident and almost getting paralyzed, my dad almost getting a stroke, my grandpa almost getting a stroke and our care breaking down and both my mom and aunt getting into a car accident and I honestly had no motivation and no new ideas, so I deeply apologize, I still have no new ideas but I wanted to update to explain and to apologize (and because the ao3 curse might get someone else from my family because it's targeting everyone but me, I have been thriving since I wrote this fic while my entire family is suffering) and I might disappear for the next few months due to personal reasons and to try and get new ideas since i only started this fic to see if the curse is real sooo i need to think of plot, the most I can do are chapters that are a few hundred words so yea, sorry again for the wait and I hope everyone has a great day and may the ao3 not hurt someone they love, I'm going to disappear back to society and to continue obsessing over the hunter wants to live quietly and to reread for the fourth time

Chapter 9: Final chapter

Summary:

The summary of the end

Notes:

Hello, finally I have come for the final chapter, in all honesty it's rushed and short but I tried, please comment what you want improved and if you have any questions

Mu Qingfang didn't know how to feel when he first met Shen Qingqiu, at the time Shen Qingqiu was nothing but a slave boy, a boy owned by the the Qiu's, unusual for a family such as them, in all honesty he wouldn't have paid him much attention if it wasn't for the attention the Qius themselves put on the boy, an attention that shoulder be given to anyone  a cruel cold, obsessive attention.

 

Mu Qingfang was just on a trip with his family at that time, he knew that attention was wrong yet when he told his parents they just told him to shut up, so he did, what could he do anyway? He was just a son of one of the families working with the Qius, in other words, powerless.

Maybe that's what made him pay a little more attention to the slave known as nine, or maybe it's due to the emotion he felt when he saw that slave, another unusual thing at the time, him feeling something, feeling an urge to pay attention to someone.

When he heard about the burning of the Qius he thought that would be the end of his interest, yet against everything he knew about himself he felt sadness, grief, things he didn't even feel when his sister died.

 

Regardless, he decided to join a sect, become a healer, it was something his parents wanted him to be, and it's not like he had a plan for his own future anyway

 

Upon joining the sect he was regarded as a "prodigy" a "genuis in healing", despite these praises he didn't feel any emotions, or even a sense of accomplishment, in fact he felt like a fraud, he didn't feel empathy or sympathy towards any of his patients or towards anyone for that matter, he just acted like he did, he did his job well because he didn't want any problems, didn't want to burden his parents with any problems, they did enough for him and it was his job to treat them well and make them proud, he wasn't a good friend, a good friend, or a good son, just a person doing what's expected of him, a fraud that doesn't care about anything.

 

When he met his fellow future peak lords he didn't feel any emotions towards them, they did their job and he did his, there was mutual respect and that's it, that wasn't the case with Yue Qingyuan tho, while he respected the guy's strength he felt a sense of.... unease? towards him, like how one might feel with a particular dangerous enemy, a person that's faking everything, it takes one to know one, he guesses.

 

Yue Qingyuan felt unnatural, something inhuman, something that shouldn't exist with how empty his eyes are, almost like the eyes of a person who has nothing holding them together an actor playing through roles that he doesn't care for, but what could Qingfang do? It wasn't his problem.

 

And so the years passed, and be saw him the one that first made him feel emotions for the first time in his life bit he looked.. changed, bitter, yet that didn't deter Mu Qingfang, he finally had the one he was mourning in his eyesight, in his grasp, and he wasn't going to let go, unfortunately it seemed that someone else had the same intentions as him, yet that person never tried to defend his obsession, always on the sidelines just like him

Maybe it was due to the feelings in his heart that he never got close to Shen Qingqiu or maybe it was because he was a coward, but he he never got close, he often wondered, if Shen Qingqiu knew he knew of his past would he hate him? Would the color of his dull life get angry? He knew Shen Qingqiu would want his past forgotten so he just acted like he never knew him, and how it hurt him to do that even if he knew he wasn't worthy enough to feel those emotions, he didn't help Shen Qingqiu when he was with the Qius, how dare he help now? How dare he feel hurt at being ignored?

When he saw Shen Qingqiu on the brink of death after trying to save Liu Qingge he felt so many emotions he never thought he would feel, emotions he thought only belonged to complete people, people that aren't him, people he could never be, maybe if he was those people he would be worth Shen Qingqiu's attention.

The relief he felt when Shen Qingqiu woke up without his memories, with the darkness surrounding him gone, he felt relief, relief that Shen Qingqiu might finally live a life he deserved, not one with chains, and he'll do everything to achieve that, starting with removing all the scars on his body so he may never be reminded of the pain he suffered, fixing his meridians, so he can live a pain free life, that's his duty and something he wants. Yes, he'll do everything to achieve what he wants, the first thing he wanted.

Notes:

Guess who's my favorite character, I think I projected too much with him but anyone, they now live happily and nothing bad happens and Shen Qingqiu lives like the Emperor he is.

Life update: both my father and grandfather almost had a stroke, they're fine now, my uncle left the house, (doubt he'll be gone for long), something in dad's work git messed up, My sister tried to push me off the balcony, I'm fine now, and oil burned My hand while i was cooking, at least i became one of the top 10 at my school. Low key might delete the fic if the curse continues on hunting everyone I know, anyway, anyone know how to get rid off a 5 year old headache

Notes:

Hello, hi, just keep in mind that I still haven't finished Svsss, most of my knowledge is from other fics, if there are inaccuracies or ooc moments, please comment, or comment in general and keep in mind I'm still new to writing and I'm writing on my phone, so don't expect too much and I didn't beta read this so there are probably some mistakes, and if there's anything untagged please inform me