Chapter Text
Olivia could feel a headache coming on. The case was a mess. They had found their first vic dead, her daughter was still missing, and their perp had seemingly gone up in smoke, probably with their second vic.
On top of that the clock was inching close to Noah’s pick-up time from dance class and Olivia still hadn’t found someone that could pick him up. Martha was sick with the flu. Amanda and Carisi had taken the kids on an extended weekend to Miami and Fin was stuck on the case with her.
There was one person she hadn’t called yet and although her heart wanted to her brain screamed at her to protect herself and her son.
He had told her again, and again that he was staying and things had been good between them these past few months. He was taking on lest UC jobs because of his third grandchild that was on the way.
But there was always that tiny voice in the back of her head asking what would happen if he left. Again. And she was so scared of that happening. So scared that if she dared to lean too much on him then one day she would topple when he disappeared.
And for a terrifying twelve hours she had thought all her fears were coming true when she sat at his bedside three months ago. She was sure her heart had stopped for a solid five second when she got Ayanna’s call.
But she was out of options and even after everything there was no one in the whole world she would trust with Noah’s wellbeing more than Elliot. The threat on her son’s life had rattled her to her core all those weeks ago and there was no way she was letting Noah go home alone. Elliot had been vague what exactly had transpired between him and Mueller Hayes, but Olivia had an inkling.
Before she could change her mind, she tapped his contact. He picked up within the first two signals.
“Hey, partner,” came Elliot’s familiar rasp over the line.
“Hey,” she winced from how weary her voice sounded to her own ears.
“Tough case?” His voice was instantly soft, and Olivia felt her shoulders relax that tiny bit. At the same time something clawed at her throat, something raw and tired and heavy.
She sighed. “Yeah. It’s falling apart. The case,” she closed her eyes and leaned back into her chair. “My team. God, Velasco and Silva have been bickering the whole day and if they don’t quit it, I might just throw them out the window.”
The pair were probably responsible for at least thirty percent of her headache.
Elliot hummed in understanding.
After that the floodgates opened and there was keeping it in any longer. She let it all out, all the emotions came bubbling up to the surface. The anger, the hurt, the frustration that had been building over the past eleven hours. It all came pouring out of her in a jumbled mess.
“And now it's getting close to eight, but Martha is sick, and I haven’t found anyone that can pick up Noah from dance,” her voice had a slight shake to it by the end and Olivia had to take a steadying breath when she finally came to a stop.
For a moment there was silence at the other end. Then she heard him take a deep breath and slowly let it out. It sounded like exasperation almost.
“Liv, just ask.” his words were still soft, gentle in a way that made her insides turn a bit mushy and her eyes almost tear up for some un explicable reason that she refused to examine too closely at the moment.
And how could she not, when he sounded like that?
She was also out of options, so there was that.
She squashed down the alarm bells at the back of her mind and drew a shaky breath.
“Could you please pick him up?” she hoped she didn’t sound as small as she felt at that moment.
“Of course,” he said without pause, like it was the simplest thing in the world. Like this was something he just did regularly, and Olivia could hear the smile on his voice. And okay, he had done it before once or twice.
Trying to keep her emotions in check she immediately launched into a list of instructions.
“He has a key to the apartment, so you don’t need to come by the station. The class ends at eight so you should still have time to get there until then. I’ll text him so he knows you are picking him up and I’ll let the girl at the front desk know too just in case. There are leftovers in the fridge. Don’t let him talk you into ice cream, and no video games before his homework is done and-”
“-And bedtime is at ten. Yeah, I know,” there was a rumbling chuckle in her ear. “Liv, I have managed to keep all five of my kids alive into adulthood, I think I can manage one pre-teen for the night.”
She wanted to feel irritation at that. Wanted to feel the familiar flood of annoyance. Noah was her son, and Elliot hadn’t been there for any of it. He had no idea what it had been like: all the time her boy was sick, all the times she had had to fight for him tooth and nail, the times when the panic came on so strong she thought her heart would give out.
If she was honest with herself that wasn’t strictly speaking true. He had some idea. BX9 and Oscar Papa came to mind. Olivia had also snuck in tidbits about her life over the years when he was gone over their countless coffee breaks – that were definitely not dates – in her office or the shop on the corner. Johnny D, Sheila. He even knew about Lewis. And that conversation was something she would never forget. The way he had been absolutely wrecked by the truth would stick with her.
She knew for a fact that Elliot would swallow his own gun before letting anything happen to her boy. Noah would be safe and well looked after with him.
So, God help her, but she couldn’t bring herself to be anything but grateful at that moment.
“Thank you,” Olivia breathed.
“Anytime.”
Olivia pressed her palm to her forehead. God , why was he so soft with her?
There was a knock at her door and Fin leaned into her office.
“We got a lead on the perp, Captain.”
She schooled her face and nodded at him, gesturing that she would be out in a moment.
“I have to go,” she said into her phone. “And thank you again.”
“No problem. And don’t worry, we’ll be fine,” Elliot rumbled.
She hung up with a soft goodbye.
Fin eyed her sideways when she joined him. “That Stabler?”
Olivia didn’t deign him with an answer. Just gave him a look.
*****
It was two minutes past eight when Elliot walked through the door of the dance studio. The hall was full of parents arriving for pickup and kids finishing class. Elliot searched the crowd for a head of curls but came up empty after three passes across the room.
“I haven’t seen you here before,” said a female voice to his left.
Elliot whipped his head around. A woman maybe in her mid to late forties had approached him. Her voice had been unbothered, like she was bored.
But Elliot wasn’t fooled, the look she threw him spoke volumes. He knew the look. Had seen it many times over the years. One case came to mind. Flutura. Elliot had to force himself not to shudder. It was… a bad time for him. And he tried not to think about that particular lapse in judgement – if it could be called that – too often.
The woman sized him up like she had found a particularly juicy steak and was preparing to pounce on it.
“I know most parents by sight, so I’m guessing this is your first time?”
Elliot hummed absentmindedly. He was only half listening as he scanned the hall for Noah again, trying to will the boy into appearing.
“I’m Charlotte by the way, Shayla’s mom. And you are?”
“Elliot.”
Her eyebrow curved inquisitively, clearly not impressed with his one-word answer.
“And you are here for...?"
“Noah.”
The woman’s eyes widened in surprise. “Oh, I didn’t know Olivia had...” she trailed of before she finished her thought. All the same, Elliot felt a twinge of irritation at her words. He opened his mount to ask what she meant but before he could formulate a sufficiently scathing protest he was interrupted.
“Elliot!” a cheerful yell drew his attention away from Shayla’s mother. Noah came running down the corridor with his bag slung over his shoulder. Curls bouncing and a grin so wide it threatened to split his face in two.
Elliot tried not to look too relieved when he caught sight of the boy.
“Hey, bud,” he greeted lightly when Noah came running over “You okay with me picking you up?”
“Course!” Noah grinned widely at him.
“Alright then, you ready to go?”
If anyone had asked Elliot, they couldn’t have gotten out of there fast enough. Without so much as a glance in Shayla’s mother’s direction the pair set of towards the exit.
The chilly evening air was welcome after the stuffy studio that smelled like feat and sweaty teenagers.
“So how was class?” Elliot asked as they walked to his SUV.
“It was great. We are getting close to nailing the routine for the Spring recital and coach even said my pirouettes looked good today,” Noah straightened a bit, his chin lifting with pride.
Elliot threw him a look, confusion furrowing his brow. Not that he knew much about ballet, but he had been under the impression that Noah was good. Very good according to Liv and it had certainly looked quite spectacular to his eyes when he attended Noah’s Christmas recital.
“That like never happens,” Noah explained.
“Aha.”
Elliot let the boys enthusiastic rambling about everything from dance to school to video games wash over him as they climbed into the front of the car. Elliot listened attentively, asking the occasional question and trying his best to follow along with all the ballet lingo.
It felt like only yesterday that Eli had been that age, babbling about soccer in the front seat of the car while Elliot drove him home from practice. And now his youngest son was about to become a dad himself. Time moved too fast.
“You hungry?”
“Starving,” Noah said empathetically.
Elliot chuckled. “What do you want to eat?”
“Anything that’s not the leftover meatloaf in the fridge,” Elliot saw Noah make a face out of the corner of his eye and fought down a smile.
“I love mom, but cooking is really not her thing.”
Elliot hummed in amusement. “You know if there’s any groceries at home?”
Noah gave him a look. The exact one Elliot he had seen many times on another person. One that told him he was being extremely silly. God, it was sometimes hard to believe that this boy had not come from Olivia’s body.
“As if,” the boy scoffed.
Elliot chuckled. “Alright, how do you feel about coming on a shopping trip with this old man?”
The boy let out an exaggerated humming sound, like he was considering it really hard. “I could be persuaded. But only if we can have that spaghetti and meatballs you made for Eli’s birthday. That was delicious,” Noah said with a sigh.
“Well, I’m glad you liked it so much bud,” Elliot smiled at him. “But you know, there is a lot more in my repertoire than spaghetti and meatballs,” he added mysteriously.
Noah’s interest was piqued. “Like what?”
*****
In the end they decided on lasagna, and it really was fitting for a Friday evening. Not that it would have changed anything if it had been a Tuesday. If Noah had asked for Mole de Pavo Elliot would have done his best to make that happen.
When they got back to the apartment Noah hastily kicked of his shoes and then diligently headed off to throw his dance clothes in the washer. None of Elliot's kids had been that self-disciplined, Eli had needed nagging from both his parent to remember that his soccer clothes needed washing.
True to Noah’s word, the fridge was mostly empty. The essentials were there; some eggs, a stick of butter, some veggies, a bucket of yoghurt, a cartoon of oat milk. Enough to fix breakfast but nothing that could be used to make a proper meal. At least there was something, which was a vast improvement from the Olivia he had known over a decade ago. Still, their run to the store certainly would improve things, he thought to himself as he started unloading the groceries.
Noah settled in at the kitchen island with his homework while Elliot started prepping the vegetables for the lasagna. The scribbling in the background eased Elliot’s mind off things as he searched the kitchen for utensils. It was familiar and comforting in a way calming sort of way. Even though the kitchen was still slightly unfamiliar and the kid humming softly to himself behind him was not his. Sometimes when he was feeling particularly self-punishing late at night, he would bitterly think he should have been. But things were good now and he refused to let his darker thoughts intrude on the evening; there was no use dwelling on the past. So, he let the calm of the kitchen wash over him like a soothing balm.
At one point Noah dropped his head to the counter so harshly that Elliot winced.
The boy groaned unhappily. “This is stupid,” he mumbled.
“Say that again when you are doing your taxes in 10 years,” Elliot supplied unhelpfully as he dropped some bay leaves into the pot.
“I don’t need to know how to solve for missing angles to do taxes,” Noah complained. “Do I?” he added after a moment, brows furrowing with worry.
That Elliot conceded was true, but he was not about to tell Noah that.
“Let me see,” he leaned over Noah’s shoulder as the boy slouched to the side enough to show his workbook.
After helping his kids five times he had retained some knowledge on the subject, even if it seemed like each of his kids had been taught slightly different math.
“You know this one must be one hundred and eighty degrees,” Elliot tapped the page. “So, if you subtract this one that you know from one eighty, you’ll have the two y’s, and twelve degrees left. Subtract the twelve degrees and...?” Elliot let the last part hang, allowing Noah to figure out the last part himself.
“I can solve for y?” Noah asked slowly.
“Yeah.”
Noah scribbled out the equation according to instructions. “Like this?”
Elliot nodded and turned back to the stove to stir the sauce.
After a few more minutes of scribbling Noah let out a triumphant whoop. “That worked! Thanks!”
Elliot smiled down at the pot. If he could have this now, if he was allowed, he was going to hog it greedily. Every moment, every smile and every ounce of warmth Noah and Olivia offered him. He should not have been allowed, he knew. Olivia should not let him near her boy or herself, and it would be justified. But for some reason she had let him back into her life, let him near. Let him bring her coffee in her office and pick her son up from dance, and every time he was equally awed.
It was later, when they were both sitting on the couch with controllers in hand after dinner where Noah had wolfed down almost three portions while Elliot marveled at teenage appetites that he felt eyes on him. Turned his head slightly he found Noah was considering him, his chin resting on his drawn-up knees, game loading in the background. Elliot had agreed to let Noah stay up until half ten at the absolute latest in the hopes that Olivia would get home before he went to bed.
“What is it?” Elliot asked.
Noah hesitated for a moment. “Do you love my mom? Like love, love her?” he asked bluntly.
Elliot felt his eyebrows jump. Trust a child of Olivia’s to cut straight to the chase.
He considered skirting the issue briefly. But quickly figured there was no point. Noah was too perceptive for his own good and Olivia knew deep down, even if she refused to acknowledge it. He had told her as much in front of all his kids.
He was in love with her and had been for far longer than he should.
“Yeah, I do,” he admitted finally.
Noah nodded calmly.
“Does that bother you?” Elliot asked carefully, trying to gauge the boy’s thoughts.
Noah shook his head. “No. It’s nice having you around and mom has been happier lately,” he shrugged. “I want her to be happy. She gets very sad sometimes. I know she doesn’t always let on. But I know she is,” Noah bit his lip, eyes downcast.
“She thinks I don’t notice, but I do.”
The way he said the last part gave Elliot pause. He studied Noah for a moment, the shoulder that had tensed up a bit, the way he had stopped meeting Elliot’s eyes.
“On the topic of not letting on,” Elliot said slowly “This isn’t just about me and your mom, is it?”
Again, the boy hesitated, his lip caught between his teeth. Elliot waited him out patiently. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Noah shook his head, whispering no so quietly that Elliot barely heard it.
“I- I don’t want her to be mad at me.”
Elliot’s brows furrowed in confusion.
“Mad at you? Why do you think she is mad at you?”
“The man at school. In the car,” Noah mumbled. “She hasn’t let me go anywhere alone since then. It’s like she doesn’t trust me anymore.”
Aha, so this was the root of the matter.
Elliot still remembered Olivia's frantic phone call after Hayes had threatened Noah. He’d been ready to go bust Gomez’s ass himself, but that wouldn’t have done anyone any favors, so he had tried to talk her down and sent the information over to Jet. Then he had waited for the opportune moment which had arrived in the form of a text from Olivia.
He’s here.
Elliot took a deep breath. “It’s not about trusting you, Noah. It’s about trusting the rest of the world.”
Tears had risen in Noah’s eyes. Elliot felt his heart squeezed painfully in his chest at the sight.
“Sorry,” Noah sniffled, trying in vain to wipe his eyes. “I know I’m too old to cry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Elliot shook his head. “And you can never get too old to cry.”
Still the boy refused to meet his eyes, his jaw clenched like he was trying his hardest to keep the tears in.
Elliot placed his hand carefully on Noah’s shoulder. “Look at me Noah.”
The boy looked up after a moment, face contorted in misery and tears spilling from his eyes.
“Your mom is not mad at you. She was scared that’s all,” Elliot reassured him. He figured a bit of honesty may be in order. Noah knew about Olivia's work; he was old enough to know some things at least. Elliot chose his words carefully, not wanting to put words into Olivia’s mouth. “The things we see in our line of work... It stays with us. And it’s hard sometimes to not see the faces of those we love on the victims. It makes us worry about all the things that could happen.”
“I don’t want to worry her. After what happened two years ago...” Noah trailed of. “I just don’t want her to worry about me I guess.”
Elliot smiled at him, squeezing his shoulder gently. “That’s what parents do kid. They worry. That’s our job. We worry from the day you come into our lives and until the day we leave this earth.”
Noah smiled back crookedly, the tears had begun to dry on his cheeks. But the boy still looked miserable.
“You need a hug?”
Noah looked at him again, features still twisted with sadness. But he nodded hesitantly.
“Come here,” Elliot opened his arms to him and the boy tipped forwards into him without further hesitation.
Elliot squeezed him close and rubbed a hand over his back slowly while Noah took shaky breaths in through his nose.
“You know, Eli is a Police officer now and I still worry about him every day,” Elliot admitted to the top of Noah’s head. "I worry about Maureen who has two kids of her own. I worry about all my kids, even though they’re all adults. It’s just how it goes.”
“But you don’t send them with a babysitter everywhere,” Noah complained with a sniff.
“Don’t have much of a choice, they have moved out of the house,” Elliot said. “But they didn’t always have it easy. There were many times I put them on house arrest for one transgression or another. I’m sure Kathleen is half the reason I lost my hair early.”
That earned him a strangled laugh.
“You talk to your mom about any of this?” Elliot asked after a beat.
“No,” Noah mumbled into his shoulder.
“Think about it. I’m always happy to listen but I’m sure she would want to hear how you are feeling.”
“Mhm.”
After a few more moments Noah slowly pulled away, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.
Elliot squeezed his shoulder again, until the boy met his eyes “If you ever need to talk, or anything else, I’m always just a phone call away. Okay?”
Noah nodded.
“Now, go wash your face and then we can finish the game, yeah?” he ruffled Noah’s curls.
This time he got a real smile back for his effort, and the boy scampered of into the bathroom.
*****
Olivia yawned as she pressed the elevator button for her floor. They had managed to apprehend the perp; the girl had been found still breathing in the trunk of his car. He had spilled quickly when faced with murder charges. Fin had practically forced her out the door soon thereafter, telling her to get some sleep. She had gone without too much protest; running only on four hours of sleep for two days had taken its tool and she might still need to come in tomorrow for a few hours.
The elevator dinged on her floor, and she headed for her door slowly, digging in her purse for her keys. The delicious smell of food wafted into her nostrils, and she felt her mouth water. Her neighbors had always had a perchance for delicious smelling spices that she could never figure out how to use herself. Lunch seemed like it had been days before. But her own unappealing creation waited for her in the fridge. She sighed as she turned the keys in the lock. At least she only had to heat it and not make something from scratch or wait for delivery. But when she pulled the door open, she was promptly hit with an intense wave of the mouth-watering smell of food. She blinked in surprise. That was definitely not the smell of her meatloaf. She pulled her heels of and dropped her purse on the entry table, padding further into the apartment, following the smell and the laughter coming from the living room.
“Hey mom!” came Noah’s cheerful greeting.
Olivia stopped in her tracks when she came upon the sight of Elliot and Noah perched on the couch, controllers in hand and focused on the TV where Mario Kart was playing.
“Hey, Liv,” Elliot’s voice was tight in concentration.
“Hey. What’s going on?”
“I’m beating Elliot at Mario Kart,” Noah stated. “For the fourth time,” he added with a smirk.
Olivia hummed quietly, watching the scene in front of her. True to his word, within the next minute Noah’s character raced across the finish line first while Elliot finished a lousy fourth.
“You’re a menace,” Elliot groaned.
Noah grinned in delight. “Eli taught me some tricks.”
“Well, he didn’t teach me,” Elliot muttered, placing the controller on the coffee table and stood with a groan when his knees cracked.
Noah giggled as he turned the game of.
Elliot smiled at Olivia as he rounded the couch. “The case go okay?”
Olivia nodded. “Yeah, better at least.”
“Hungry?” he asked as he headed for the kitchen.
“Very,” Olivia said as she followed him.
“I made some lasagna. I can heat it up if you want to go change?”
“Yes, please,” she sighed as Elliot pulled the aluminum foil of the oven tray with the food and started cutting into it.
Looking longingly at the food she headed for her bedroom. Trading her blazer and slacks for a pair of joggers she briefly considered slipping out of her bra, with a hoodie on it wouldn’t be so easy to tell. But then though better of it. Elliot was in the kitchen heating up food for her and he had developed an infuriating habit of looking at her all the time. He would most definitely notice. Though he would probably happily accept that as repayment for today, she thought wryly to herself.
Instantly, Olivia felt her cheeks heating even though nobody could hear her thoughts and quickly slipped the hoodie over her t-shirt, without taking of her bra. Running her hand through her hair a few times she pulled it into a low ponytail.
She dry-swallowed an ibuprofen for the headache and then followed the sound of Noah and Elliot’s laughter back to the kitchen. Her son was perched at his usual spot at the kitchen island while Elliot puttered around the kitchen, pulling dishes from the dishwasher and wiping down the counters – that as far as she was concerned had already been scrubbed too nearly sparkling.
Olivia glanced at her phone; it was creeping up on half ten.
She couldn’t find it in herself to be annoyed. Not when it had afforded her a view of the scene in the living room earlier. That sight alone would keep her warm on the inside for days to come. It was also Friday after all, not like Noah needed to be up tomorrow morning, and he likely wouldn’t be, leaning into the teenage sleep schedule more and more as the days went by. Still, it was late, and he needed to get to bed at some point.
“Noah it's time for bed.”
Twin sets of blue eyes looked up at her and not for the first time Olivia’s breath caught in her throat at their likeness.
“I wanted to say goodnight,” Noah smiled at her as he jumped of the barstool. His eyes betrayed that he knew exactly what she had been thinking.
Olivia couldn’t stop the answering smile as she stepped closer. Noah let her pull him into a hug.
“Goodnight mom.”
“Goodnight sweet boy. I love you,” Olivia kissed his curls.
“Love you,” he mumbled into her shoulder.
After that Olivia expected Noah to scurry of to his room but instead, he lingered for a moment, seemingly considering something. He then turned to Elliot who had finished putting away the last plate and was leaning back against the counter.
“Thank you for the talk,” Noah smiled sheepishly at Elliot. “It really meant a lot to me.”
“Anytime Noah,” Elliot said, smiling softly at her son, steadily, and before Olivia could blink Noah had taken a step forward and without missing a beat Elliot opened his arms and squeezed her son close.
Olivia felt something in her chest both crack open and heal at the same time and she had to blink quickly to keep the emotions at bay.
With a last quiet goodnight, Noah headed off to his room.
Olivia arched her brow at Elliot when her son’s door closed behind him. “Good talk huh?”
Elliot rubbed his neck absently. “Yeah, he ah- we-”
Olivia held her hands up placatingly. “You don’t have to tell me. I’m happy he trusts you enough to talk to you.”
And she was. God she was.
“I’m happy you two have that,” she added quietly and bit her lip, once again feeling the flow of emotion pushing its way out of her chest.
Elliot’s smile turned soft. “Yeah, me too.”
After a moment of looking at her he gestured where a place had been set at the table. “Sit, I’ll get your food.”
Elliot slid the plate in front of her and set a bowl of greens next to it.
Olivia took a long whiff and oh , it smelled even more heavenly up close.
An involuntary low moan slipped out of her when she took the first bite, but she was hungry enough to not really care. Even though he had turned away from her after putting down her food she could tell that he had heard and was smiling to himself.
“Wine?” Elliot asked, pulling out the opened bottle from the fridge.
She hummed in agreement, mouth full, and gestured a little bit.
He set a glass down in front of her and sat down.
“I think you missed your calling, Detective,” she smiled in between bites, gesturing at her food.
“Nah. This? This is special. Only for you,” he threw her a shit eating grin, like he knew exactly what hearing that did to her.
Olivia had to bite her lip to keep her smile from becoming lovesick. God, you are weak, she admonished herself quietly.
“I’m pretty sure you are spoiling Noah for all my future cooking trials,” she complained, good naturally. “And me,” she added after a beat.
“I’m glad you like it,” he was wearing that smile of his again. The one where his eyes went all soft and regarded her like she was the only person in the whole world. The same one he wore when he said I wish I could bottle this .
Olivia felt her heart do a flip. She needed to say something, so he’d stop looking at her like that.
“I love it. You sure you aren’t looking for a new job? I might have to hire you for night shifts.”
Elliot’s smile morphed into a roguish grin. "You can have my services anytime, Captain.”
Olivia felt her face heat, knowing exactly what he was implying. Well , she had walked right into that one, she conceded. She took another bite to keep from giving away how much hearing that affected her. His eyes told her she failed miserably.
But he seemed to take pity on her after that, steering the conversation towards other topics, asking her about the case, offering his own thoughts, complaining about Randall nagging at him about everything between heaven and earth.
Though she had to hold in a smile at the last part since she and Randall had secretly teamed up shortly after the crash when it became obvious to both of them that Elliot was pushing of all his follow up visits at the hospital. Them and Ayanna. Olivia wasn’t about to spill the beans on that quite yet though. Maybe when he started behaving his age and going to the visits without someone from the family having to drag him she would.
He spoke about how nice it was to have space in the house again now that Eli and Becky had their own place. But Olivia saw straight through it, he was lonely. And she could imagine how after having kids in the house for over three decades that would be a harsh change. She knew how her own apartment got eerily quiet whenever Noah was away at a sleepover.
All the while he looked at her like he couldn’t get enough of her, like if he looked away, she would disappear. Even though it scared her how much emotion she could see in his eyes, she allowed herself to absorb it for the evening. She let it wash over her, take her mind away from the case and settle in her bones. Sitting there in her kitchen with a wine glass in hand and Elliot’s warm voice soothing her nerves made her feel like everything was right in the world. It made her forget that he had nearly died a few short months ago and that he might go undercover again after Eli and Becky’s baby arrived.
It wasn’t until close to midnight, when she had finished her glass of wine and they had turned towards each other, their knees knocking together occasionally that she realized they should probably warp it up before they sat there until morning. He needed to drive home to Queens, and she might need to go into work tomorrow.
“Thank you for today,” she griped his hand and squeezed for a moment.
“You don’t need to thank me Liv; it was my pleasure,” he told her earnestly, and his thumb drifted over her knuckles carefully. After a moment he gently pulled his hand away and stood to put her plate in the dishwasher.
She studied his back while he bent down. Even after all these weeks she could tell it still hurt him to move in certain ways, and it hit her not for the first time how close she had come to losing him. Barely twenty-four hours had passed before he was insisting on leaving the hospital and then going back to work like he hadn’t just nearly landed in an early grave. Then he’d gone and gotten shot with a fucking nail gun of all things. When Jet’s voice had come over the comms, Olivia had her second mini-heart attack of the week. Not only that but her infuriating partner dodged his follow up appointments like he was a teenager skipping school. He had said he hadn’t wanted to do the last UC job; the one that nearly cost him his life. He even said that he was done with UC jobs altogether. But for now had hung silent in the air, like the blade of a guillotine ready to fall.
How long before he got restless or bored and went back to risking his life as someone else?
She was so scared of losing him. So scared of losing what they had before they even got started. Scared that she would never again see Elliot laughing in her kitchen while her son cracked jokes from his seat at the kitchen island. Scared that she would never again see his soft smile or feel his arms around her.
She forced a smile when he turned back towards her. Of course he wasn’t fooled.
"Liv? Are you okay?” he asked gently.
Olivia hesitated. A million possible answers flited through her mind, all of them a version of fine . But she was tired. And she had complained about him making everything difficult, but the truth was that she was the biggest hypocrite in the world. She omitted the truth with him like it was a sport. They would never be able to take a step forward if they didn’t start being honest with each other.
Her shoulder slumped and she sighed. “No,” she shook her head.
She rose from her seat and took a step towards him. And God , would all the life altering moments between them happen in her kitchen?
“I’m not. I’m worried about you,” she sighed. “I lied at the hospital.”
Elliot cocked his head at her in confusion.
“When I said you hadn’t scared me,” she clarified. “I was scared Elliot. God, I was terrified . When Ayanna called me... I thought my heart would stop beating,” she clutched at her throat where his compass had hung for nearly a year. “Then you go and immediately get shoot, and I go through it all again. And I just-” Olivia had to take a steadying breath to keep from breaking out in tears over her next words. "I just don’t know when I’ll be called in to identify your corpse.”
Elliot opened his mouth to say something. Probably to reassure her, but she plowed on before he could. The bomb had finally reached zero on the countdown and there was no diffusing it now.
“You don’t seem to take any of this seriously. We all must drag you to your appointments like it's a minor inconvenience and not a vital step in your recovery. You nearly died Elliot!” she hissed the last part to keep from waking Noah up. In reality she wanted to shout it at him. “And it’s the job, I know it’s the job and I don’t hold it against you. But you are taking it to another level. You are reckless in a way that makes me worry if you are doing it on purpose.”
Tear had risen in her eyes now and she thought she might choke if she didn’t get everything that had been on her mind for the past few years out in the next few moments. “And I don’t know why. I have turned it around in my head and I just don’t get it.”
Why do you make it so difficult?
“I thought you wanted-” she stuttered over a half-formed sob, the words sticking in her throat before they could fully form.
I thought you wanted this. Us.
I thought you loved me.
Elliot had gone very still in front of her. He studied her intently, his whole face pained. As the silence stretched between them Olivia felt her heart breaking apart.
“Okay.”
That simple word gave Olivia pause. “Okay?”
Elliot nodded. “Okay. I’ll go to the appointments. I told you I’m not doing UC anymore and I mean it. If nothing else, I suppose this last one showed me that it might be time to step back. Reyes has been doing just fine taking over for me.”
Olivia thought back to the words she had overheard in the hospital, spoken over the unmoving body of her partner. They were both getting too old. She felt a tear slip down her cheek. If it was possible that made Elliot’s face crumple that little bit more.
“Liv, I mean it. I really mean it,” his words were choked but sure.
Olivia wanted to believe him. Wanted it with her whole damn being. She needed it to be true like she needed air to breathe because if she lost him, she thought she might die. And suddenly she felt the need to feel him close, feel the pulse underneath his skin and his breath in her hair.
“Hold me?” she whispered brokenly.
Elliot opened his arms to her without having to hear it twice. Olivia collapsed against his chest with a strangled sob, clutching at his back and burying her face against his neck. Her tears fell then, the feel of him overwhelming her last shred of self-control.
Feeling his solid chest expand against hers and his pulse beating steadily beneath her ear where she pressed into his neck, she melted into him, their embrace becoming a full body hug that felt like it could heal her soul. He was warm and steady against her, his back strong underneath her palms and his arms like a blanket of safety around her. He cradled the back of her head to him like she was something precious. She absorbed the feel of him slotted against her from hips to cheek like a starving woman, fingers twisting into the fabric of his dark Henley. They stayed like that in silence while tears slowly ran down her cheeks for what seemed like both forever and not enough time simultaneously.
“You didn’t even tell me you had made me your emergency contact again you bastard,” she muttered into his neck when her tears had dried.
“I’m sorry,” his breath tickled her ear, and his voice was thick with unshed tears. “I thought you’d make me put down my brother or something.”
Or one of the kids.
Never .
“Just tell me next time you do something like that,” she whispered against his collarbone.
“Okay,” Elliot whispered back.
Olivia felt his lips briefly against the crown of her head in what felt like a careful kiss. It made her heart do a flip and her arms wind a bit tighter around him.
After another long moment he leaned back just enough to look her in the eye, his hand coming around to her cheek so he could wipe the remaining tears away. Olivia pressed into the tender touch.
“I’m sorry for scaring you,” he whispered as he leaned his forehead against her brow. “That’s the last thing I want to do.”
“I need you to be honest with me, Elliot,” she whispered.
“Ditto,” he smiled down at her, his thumb caressing her cheek.
“I promise if you promise,” she whispered.
Why were they whispering? Olivia thought to herself.
“I promise,” Elliot agreed.
“Then I promise too.”
It was on the tip of her tongue to ask him to stay. She suddenly realized she wanted him to so badly it made her throat feel tight. She wanted his arms around her when she fell asleep and his soothing voice in her ear when she inevitably woke up from a nightmare full of fluorescent hospital lights, dark red blood staining white sheets and lifeless blue eyes.
Now that she no longer needed to squash it down the longing that had been there for decades had grown so strong that she thought she might burst from it. Now that she was allowed to bask in his soft looks and the lingering touches or brush her finger against his without the guilt making her snatch them away it was becoming more and more difficult to remember a reason why she shouldn’t let it take over wholly.
It was no longer forbidden when she lay in bed late at night, that her thoughts inevitably turned to how his lips would feel on hers. How he would trail them over her neck and to her breasts. Or when she pushed her hand between her thighs and imagined it was him moving between them, his hands on her skin and his hips pressing her down against the mattress.
She wanted him. She had told him as much two years ago, there in her kitchen a few feet from where they were standing.
It was terrifying how much she craved him. All of him, his laugh, his jokes, his warmth, the coffee he insisted on bringing her at least twice a week. Every part of him, even the parts that infuriated her.
It scared her almost to paralysis, the want.
Because it was real.
But Olivia grasped onto her last shred of sanity and pushed it down. She needed time to think which was impossible with him close enough that she could feel the heat radiating of him. She needed time to make a rational decision and not one fueled by fear and desperation. They deserved more than that. And she had Noah to think of. She wouldn’t be the only one hurt if her and Elliot crashed and burned. Still that tiny voice at the back of her head whispered that she should just close her eyes and take a leap into the unknown.
Elliot seemed to sense her inner turmoil because he pressed his lips briefly against her forehead and stepped back slowly. “We will talk again, yeah?”
Olivia nodded quickly. “Yes,” she sounded breathless, the answer coming out rushed. But she couldn’t bring herself to care at that moment.
“I’ll call you,” she added.
Elliot smiled at her, reaching out and squeezing her hand. “I’ll be waiting.”
They paused again by the door when he had grabbed his wallet from the entry table and slipped his jacket on. She didn't want to let him go and judging by the way he looked at her he didn’t want to go.
It felt different from when she had bid him goodbye two years ago after that first talk in her kitchen. Then she had been exhausted by the weight of their conversation. Now she felt hopeful. Her breath came in a bit to quickly and her skin still tingled where he had touched her. But she felt good too. They had cleared some things up for once instead of running in circles.
Elliot took the burden of saying goodbye upon himself though, sparing her having to make him leave. He unlocked the door and took a step out into the hallway, turning around with his hand still on the door.
“Goodnight,” he smiled at her.
“Goodnight,” she said softly as she closed the door behind him.