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Ironically, it was my mom’s fault. Every mistake I’ve ever made weighs heavy on me, but I can recognize this maybe wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for my mom’s… inclinations.
I don’t have to explain all my life’s story to people like you. Suffice it to say that a devil possessed my body, war incarnate: the War Devil. She named herself Yoru, to match with me. Oh, my kind devil.
That’s sarcasm, in case you’re slow.
She saved my life from sure death, and in exchange, I had to share my body so she could infiltrate my school and find Chainsaw Man.
At least, that was the only usage she wanted from my body at first.
Things would escalate quickly, and most important, stupidly. But that was all her fault too. Both my mom and my devil just… fucked me over.
She was so annoying. Was I that annoying?
No, I could never be that annoying.
I couldn’t believe how a teenage girl like me could see the world much more clearly than Yoru―a supposed ancient devil. C’mon, how is a boy like that gonna be Chainsaw Man?
We could’ve made him ours. A weapon.
Yoru, you’re being ridiculous. And besides. It’s getting really annoying that you try to make every boy my boyfriend! Jeez, I’ve never had a boyfriend before!
Yeah, I know . I’m actually being so kind. Quid pro quo. I get a weapon and maybe that way you can stop being such a boring repressed virgin.
My cheeks felt warm, a clear blush. I tried to ignore her, but she realized she was getting under my skin, so she kept pressing me on it. Even if I made him my boyfriend that wouldn’t mean we would have to...
Asa. You’re so naive. What do you think that professor wanted to do with you?
I tried not to think about that. Gross!! Men like that were gross. And I didn’t need a boyfriend, I didn’t WANT a boyfriend, it was all so annoying and stupid. So what if boys were warm and big and Denji for example had beautiful rich brown eyes...
Yoru was above me, saying: Your skin is warming up, girl.
A small puff of air touched my lips. Weird, because I thought I was only hallucinating her visually. An illusion? I tried to ignore everything, I tried to ignore the tingling in my body at being called “girl” by her, which I hated so much…
Maybe there were signs. Mornings where my body was a bit warmer than it should be. Some… wetness. The need to press my thighs while I was doozing off from sleep.
But I am just a teenage girl. Sometimes that happens.
I tried to ignore it, but Yoru was doing something to my body. She wasn’t even commenting on anything. I just felt my eyes wandering more, looking at other people's bodies. My body heating up more. I felt hands in my neck and in my chest, barely there.
Yoru, are you messing with me?
Am I?
It was pointless to try and get it out of her. She was always going to deny it.
Clandestine plans by a stupid devil couldn't really hurt me.
I was writing poetry again. Yuko went away and I―
Anyways. I just wanted to do something different. I sat in my living room with my mom’s books that I saved from the ruins and I managed to keep just out of pure luck.
A few I hadn’t touched till then, just because I didn’t have the time or the titles didn’t beckon me.
Yoru found those books quickly, not realizing they were hidden for a reason.
Wow. You’re mom was definitely not a prude like you.
It was a saga, six erotic books ―small. They were well-written, they were definitely not pure slop! But the sexual scenes were so explicit… At least, the ones I skimmed. I didn’t read it full, of course!
One had explicit gay couples. A lesbian story in particular caught Yoru’s eyes. She cackled.
Can you imagine your mom reading this type of story where a daughter is having sex with her mommy … Do you think she read it before or after birthing you?
“Yoru, you’re so freaking gross!!! Kill yourself!”
If I do that we both die.
“I’ll kill us both, shut up!”
She just smiled and went to sleep again, and I hid those books. Well. Maybe my mom liked those stories for the plot. I didn’t know, and I didn’t care! My mom was an intelligent well-read woman. Her small bookshelf was filled with world classics. She could read whatever she wanted. Reading was fine! And besides, reading was much better than watching pictures like a gross man. And maybe she didn’t even masturbate with them, which, would be weird, how do you masturbate while reading? My mom was a calm woman who was DEFINiTELY not a pervert-
I really don’t think she liked those stories for the plot, Asa.
Shut up!!!
The next morning, they were not in their hidden place, but rather, on top of my eating table.
I decided to ignore it. If Yoru wanted to read filth then that was OK. Besides, how much worse can it be than how she already is?
And one day, I got back from school, incredibly tired. I guess I should’ve guessed this was coming. It was obvious really.
My fault.
I just didn’t want to admit what Yoru was planning. Admitting that was dealing with so many other things I didn’t want to deal with.
Though, is that fair? She sees all of me but hides so much of her.
Getting inside my bedroom, feverish and weak. The beginnings of a headache on the top of my face.
“Maybe I got the flu?”
Definitely. You should lie down.
I didn’t like lying on my bed with my uniform but I was so tired I did just that. I drank water— a cup beside my bed. When I lay down and closed my eyes, a weight on my hips, someone stranding me with her legs.
“How can I feel you?” I said, without opening my eyes. Yoru snickered.
I opened my eyes, and she was there, looking at me like I was a worm.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
Asa. She said, her hands playing with the strands of my hair in my face. Asa. You know, I can control everything you perceive. Shit. It takes some effort. But I’m giving you a gift. It’s something you really really want.
“I think I’m not following you, Yoru.”
Yoru started to caress my chest with her hands. I felt it. I saw it. Her face that was my face turned malicious, focused. My mouth watered.
“Stop. That’s so weird.”
I tried to push her out of me, but my hands went through her.
“That’s not fair, why do I feel you but can’t touch you. That doesn’t even make any sense!!!!”
I’m playing with your mind, Asa. Takes some focus, so be good. Don’t you want that? Don’t you actually want someone to —
“Shut up!!! I DON’T want you touching me like this -ah!” She started to kiss my neck. Her whole body weight was above me and it felt... nice. I wanted to drift away but-
“No! Yoru, this is weird- mm” I didn’t know my thighs were so sensitive. She kept touching them, using her nails to preassure it, but it wasn’t painful.
Hehe. It’s OK, Asa. I know you like screaming that you don’t want this. But tell me, if you don’t want this, why is your pussy so wet then? She pushed my panties to the side and just pressed a finger on top of my opening, gliding the wetness on my…
Bodies are weird. I started to rant to pretend I wasn’t gasping because of her touches. Sometimes an anatomical reaction happens. Rape victims usually feel guilty because their body betrays them when the assault it’s happening. But that doesn’t mean they actually wanted it.
Yoru snickered again.
Sure. Except that’s not really your case, right?
She took her hand out and maneuvered us so she was dragging something hard against my panties.
A clothed…. Penis?
“What’s that? I” I shrieked.
Got this cock just for you. I know you are curious. I know you’re equal parts terrified and excited of being raped by a man. Should I say, are you... what was that fancy word? Frissoned by cock? Aren’t I so kind to you?
No, no, no. This was bad. I thought at worst my devil was going to finger me. I could deal with that. I was expecting that. This was terrible, I didn’t want to lose my virginity like this. But she grind against me harder and I couldn’t help but whine.
She took my panties out― I let her, in a daze. It was worthless to fight. I couldn’t touch her. I could imagine myself trying to run and just being assaulted against the floor. She noticed that I clenched at that and laughed, putting a thumb in my opening.
You like that.
It was a tiny stretch. It itched, it was such a tease, it made me move my hips so she moved more.
“Well if we’re gonna do this let’s do it fast,” I resigned, biting my lip.
No, no. I want you to ask it.
“Ask what? Yoru.”
Don’t call me Yoru tonight. I’m enacting that filthy book, just for you. Wouldn’t you rather call me Mommy? I can be your Mommy, Asa, if you just ask.
My heart beating in my ears. Oh no. Oh no, this wasn’t right.
“Yoru you can’t- ah!” she put one finger in, and I felt my chest breathing against my uniform, I really wanted to take it out. “You can’t be asking me that.”
I’m not gonna fuck you with the actual thing if you don’t beg your mommy to fuck you.
“I don’t care then, just, use your- ah” Use your fingers, please.
That she did, smiling. My insides melting with her touches. She kept pushing two of her fingers in and out. Slowly. If I tried to move my hips faster she held me against the bed by my hips. She was hovering way beyond me, but I still felt a breath against my neck, whispering low.
It’ll feel so good if you let yourself say it. You know you actually want it. So, just say it.
I was panting. I wanted more. I had tears in my eyes, it was too overwhelming, my desire; so little, the stimulation. I opened my legs even further and she got even closer, fucking me with her fingers a bit faster, and that’s when I couldn’t hold it anymore, my desire brimming from my mind, unfiltered.
Rape me, mommy ♡
Shame bubbled in me. Why did I succumb to her filthy words? Why did I even think that? Why was I falling for her seduction?
This wasn’t meant to be. This was wrong. Can you really describe me acting like this as anything other than macabre?
Softly, like a far away sound, Yoru was communicating, My precious little girl. That was even better than I was expecting.
And the heat that struck me was so... evil.
I said the right thing. Mommy was proud. I wanted her to have sex with me so bad, but it was so embarrassing to have my legs so open and have my own face looking at me like I was prey.
I corrected myself out loud, closing my legs above my chest. “No… Yoru, please stop”.
She put her thing in my opening, a thumb in my clitoris. How embarrassing to be so aware of that part of my body.
In the forefront of my mind, louder, she was saying: You’ll take it all. You can do it. Girl, open your legs. If you want me to fuck you, open your legs.
She didn’t really need me to open my legs, as I wasn’t wearing any underwear, she could just…. A warm feeling spread in my back, my chest tight. When I snapped out of it, I realized I was holding my knees high, opening up for her. The lap of my school uniform fell in my face and I had to blow it away. It was so embarrassing, my whole body warming up more from pure shame.
Yoru laughed.
You look so stupid.
And she finally put it all in me.
“Please, noooo… Ngh, ah, ah.”
I know what you really want, she said, pushing her pulsing cock in and out of me, the draw of it making me cant my hips.
Drool running down my chin. I couldn’t stop moaning, I couldn’t stop moving my hips. It just felt so good. I’ve heard the first time was painful for girls, but my mommy (fuck), my mommy had opened me up so good and I just wanted her to fu-
Just say it.
Fuck. Ah, I hated cursing so much but― Fuck me harder, please.
I couldn’t stand it. It was one thing if she were fucking me and I could pretend for a moment we weren’t the same, that she wasn’t literally messing with my head. My own face, doppelgänger, looking at me deliriously turned on. It was so… so. Wrong. Hot. But I closed my eyes, trying to run away from this nasty feeling, and I got images of her smirk anyway, I got images in third POV of my own body fucking myself against the desk, against the bed, in the onsen, in public, in front of Yoshida, by Yoshida, in front of the cringe Chainsaw Man fan, by him, from behind, from the side, in my mouth.
Please, stop that.
But she just laughed, because my inner parts were pulsing.
Call it your pussy. Or cunt. I want you to be filthy, girl, like the book your Mommy used to read to you at night.
My mom didn't —
She made me turn over and it hit even deeper in my-
Say it.
“It feels so go- ah! ngh…”
Aha.
I hid my face in my pillow. She had stopped showing me images, but it was worse because I just felt the in and out of her cock inside of me. Her hands on my hips. She pressed us chest to back and squeezed my boob and licked my neck and it was so good.
I breathed hard and finally called it that.
My pussy feels so good, mommy.
It felt so good to beg like that, even though in the privacy of my own mind. I kept begging for it like that. Mommy, please, mommy, yes.
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.
I knew Yoru wanted me to say it out loud. But after my mind became free, whiny, and needy, for the first time, I could feel her pleasure peaking. I took her by surprise, I wasn’t even saying rape me anymore. Just fuck me, please fuck me. I didn’t even get how my mind could get so dirty. I just felt a wave of desire flush out of me, unstoppable, delicious.
Fuck me, mommy. Make me yours, mommy. Do anything you want with me.
Any filter gone, every fantasy in the wild, without pretense. I couldn’t keep pretending when she was hitting so hard and deep. She grew wilder, she was more forceful, she didn’t even command me to do or say anything else.
Pure physicality.
I could finally let go and just enjoy it. Tears poured from my eyes. I didn’t need to pretend anymore to be good. I was just a filthy whore pervert girl and I deserved to be raped by my insane devil. It was good, it was good, I wanted it so bad.
We reached an ending, my whole body thrashing at its peak, but she was not satisfied. And my pussy felt even better now that she was fucking it after the orgasm. It was sensitive and it gave sparks in my whole body. I whined, euphoric.
The frotting was a bit hard on my insides now, and it hurt so bad.. but it was good…
I wanted my mommy to hurt me more. I wanted her to hit me, spank me. That, my real mommy did. I was about to finally whine out loud if that’s what it took. She could use me however she wanted, I loved this feeling of my body on the edge, of not having any command over it. Take it, take it. I felt her unabashed lust in my belly, and I found it funny, even amidst all of it, how sometimes our feelings could feel so separate from each other.
And I didn’t understand how I suddenly felt so wet all over again. Was it me? What was she doing?
She dragged me to the floor, and I thought for a moment, in a brief second of madness, that she was playing with my consciousness in more ways than just fucking me. How was I naked already when just a moment ago I wasn’t? But I couldn’t think much else when she made me ride her. Electricity hit my entire back, from my core. In heat, almost. All over my body. With my breasts out and her hands and mouth on them, I got shy again, and she got filthy again.
What’s going on? Weren’t you just begging for Mommy just a second ago? She grabbed my hips and pushed herself against me. Don’t you feel it deeper like this?
I closed my eyes again, and I put my hands on her shoulders. I felt her cock deep in my center.
Yes, mommy. It’s so deep.
Say it out loud.
Shut the fuck up, Yoru.
That gained me a bite in my shoulder.
How was the devil inside my head making me bleed?
A flash image of myself alone in my bedroom, naked, making my own injuries with my nails, and I finally cried out loud the word Yoru wanted me to say the most.
“Mommy!!!”
Shhh.
I hugged her so fast. I could feel her entire body pressed against me. Our boobs pressed against each other, my legs were around her back. My clit frotted against her pelvis and I had the need to rub on her more.
“Don’t do that! Mean!”
You are so cute, Asa. She kissed me. It was sweet, very different than the fast pace we had just a moment ago. Do you still think I’m raping you?
Ugh, when she said it like that… Like I didn’t have any choice… She was doing this to me and I was innocent and I didn’t want it and I had no option I was innocent and good and good and it was her fault but it still felt so so good. She wanted to be sweet, she was actually going so soft on me. My devil could be kind, sometimes. But I didn’t want that. When she said that, I moved my hips faster, breathe faster, let myself up and down on her cock, my head bobbing back. I want her to take me, completely. I couldn’t have ever imagined myself being so delirious about sex just a few hours ago. What was happening to me?
Ah. You like that? You like the idea of your mommy raping you, is that it?
“Yes!!” I screamed, “please, rape me, Mommy, pleaaase. Do- ah! Just do, ah! Whatever," I whined hard,” Mommy, whatever you want!”
I moaned, holding my own breast with one hand, my other on my clit. I was shameless already. Kissed her skin, which felt ghostly and not at all like it felt her mouth on me. Non-descriptive heat. It wasn’t like touching skin. Actually, I didn’t feel everything at once. Sometimes I felt heat, sometimes I felt pressure. I think Yoru didn’t have such a strong command in my senses as she thought she had. The fact I couldn’t feel it all at once was so unfair. But it made me pulse more. It was so weird, so wrong. Like having sex with a ghost.
My pussy clenched with her next words:
Let me rape you some more then.
And she hit me from behind again. My knees hurt from being fucked against the floor, but I loved the cold feeling of wood against my cheek. My nails scratched the floor. I loved the feeling of sweat falling from my neck. I usually hate the feeling of sweat but now it fits so much, it enhances how deliciously gross it all felt.
Gross, gross, gross.
You're so fucking stupid, Asa.
My mouth was slack, whiny. I kept screaming, moaning for my mommy.
“Mommyyyy, ah! Ah!” My tongue felt so lax, saying filthy things excited me more, Yoru was right, Yoru was sooo right, what was I so afraid of before? She could’ve raped me so much sooner, “Like that, I’ll be good!”
From behind it felt best, because front to front she looked too much like me, it was too real.
From behind? I didn’t know who was actually fucking me. I was just a filthy who-
Except I always knew, because my own voice was grunting, marking my back, biting my neck, her hips hitting against my ass, she was telling me what a good girl I am while she pulled my hair to kneel in front of her.
“Say- ah! There! Say that agaaain,” I begged.
Good girl. She massaged my clit while fucking me deep and sensuous, and then fast again, hands in hips to pull me faster. Good girl. Such a good girl.
And I came again and passed out. While losing consciousness, I begged Yoru to keep raping my body all night long.
I woke up softly, in a daze. I thought I was going to be filthy, but I was freshly bathed. We both only had new panties on.Well, the same. When I lived alone, sometimes I dressed like this, when the heat hit. Just panties. When Yoru came into my life, I stopped. But from that moment on, well, what was the point of covering my breasts. We had the sheets over us, right under our boobs. I was leaning on my right side, and she, my reflection, was leaning on her left side, head on the pillow.
“Yoru, did you shower me when I blacked out?”
Yeah. I know you hate being filthy.
Hmm.
You’re welcome, by the way.
I ignored her comment.
I breathed in and out, eyes closed. I opened them, and she was looking at me seriously, waiting.
I guess I had to ask: “How did you…”
Yoru always wanted to make me verbalize everything, she was annoying. And a bit stupid, sometimes. But now, Yoru kindly explained everything.
Well. I know everything about you. Her deep, impolite drawl was filled with warmth. I felt that warmth in my entire body, but I wasn’t sure if it was Yoru playing with my brain again.
“You knew I kind of wanted it.” Kind of. Ugh. Why do I always obscure everything? Stupid, so fucking stupid. I hate myself. Yoru was behaving, really, so she didn’t say anything about that verbal slip.
Yeah. You’re not difficult to read anyway even if I wasn’t in your mind, girl. You have a sexually frustrated label on your forehead.
“Shut up.”
So. Basically, I took charge of your body to prepare everything. Bought the silicon toy and the lube, look at it.
On the floor, there was a dildo, of a size that didn't really look scary (another kindness of my devil, I assume), next to a generous amount of lube. Rivulets of blood too. How embarrassing, that I lost my virginity to my own hands, technically fucking myself with a dildo on the floor like a weird pervert.
What kind of teenage girl do I even am? Definitely not a normal one anymore. If I ever was. Which, was probably never the case.
But I just said: “You could’ve cleaned that too.”
Do it yourself in the morning.
Gross.
Was it gross when you were moaning on it?
Her toothy smirk was so captivating. She looked so different than me sometimes. It didn’t seem like my face. Shame was stretching in my chest, wider, bigger.
Dissipating.
“… You knew I had already read those books many times.”
Shortly after losing my mom. I didn’t understand it at the time. Why was my mom into such filthy literature? But well. It wasn’t really that explicit, mostly romantic. I mean, it was explicit, but it didn’t have that many explicit scenes, it’s what I mean. In the fourth book, they introduced an incestuous lesbian couple. I hated the feeling it elicited in me. I hated feeling the wetness between my thighs, I hated wanting it. So I started to think about how it would feel to be thrusted onto that. Someone forcing it on me. And that felt good. Too good. Good enough to make me start touching myself... But also incredibly gross. So I stopped. I couldn’t think about it. I commanded myself to forget it.
I used to wonder if my mom ever remembered that when I called her mommy. Just like Yoru taunted me. The idea made my head heavy so once again, I tried to forget it.
I missed her so much. I wanted her back, and it was my fault I lost her. She was a kind mother and I lost her because I’m an idiot, and it doesn’t matter if she was a bit of a pervert, because any filthy literature she read won’t ever be as bad as the gaping hole in my heart and the disgusting desires from my body.
I’m an insanely fucked up person.
Yoru interrupted my thought spiral.
Yep. I already knew. I thought you knew I knew. Or are you just that good at self-delusion?
I didn’t reply. My body hurt. My insides hurt. It was so intense. Part of me wished it was all a dream, but the dildo was a damming evidence. It sucked so bad. It was so good.
I wished my first time was with someone I loved. Someone that loved me.
I wished Yoru was real and not a stupid devil playing with my fucking head whenever she deemed fit. I could even accept if she fucked me in her probably weird-devil form. Anything but this freak show of being fucked by myself, unaware.
But I couldn’t pretend I didn’t like what she did. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t beg for it. I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t relaxed. There was no escape. So I did the best next thing I could to lower this deep and dark feeling I was getting in my belly.
“Yeah. Next time…. Can you… ask me before doing that?”
What’s the point of being raped if you agree to it before?
Yoru wasn’t being unkind. She was asking seriously, wanting to know my train of thought. Devils didn't think like humans. They just take what they want. And she was making a point, in her eyes, she was practically doing me a favor. But I didn’t want it to be that. I was scared of the power she had over me, no matter how... nice it felt, down there. And she knew it. And I knew she knew. So I needed to be quick and be convincing. Make her ask me before doing stuff to my body, something that she found acceptable.
“… I just… I’m… this is corny… but I like romance stuff…”
Yeah, I know Asa. She rolled her eyes, We’ve been through this.
“Shut up! Let me talk! Anyway… didn’t you like it when I was you know… go-good…”
Yoru seemed to be pondering about it.
So, you want me to… ask permission every time?
“Maybe we can start with you not blocking time from my memory.”
Yoru smirked. Deal. If that makes you keep whining like a bitch, then I’m game.
“Ugh, you’re so fucking-”
Yoru’s index finger was circling my right nipple. I didn’t feel anything, this was a purely visual hallucination, but just the image was making my body melt a bit.
We can be more like a partnership then… isn’t that the corny shit you like too… equals… my girl, Asa.
She looked at my face and saw something she liked. Maybe the slight desperation I had to be good and not let this go completely out of my control. She kept going: OK. I can see the appeal of that.
She omitted that she could see the embarrassing images of us slowly making out in my brain.
Yoru was a menace. I was in actual, very real danger. It was easy to pretend I was still me. But the me that was me died the night I met Yoru. She said she was going to give me my body back, but what if we die first? What if she doesn’t for whatever reason? The future was so distant, so I had to work fast to make this better for me. Maybe if I was good, maybe if I was compelling enough I could sway Yoru.
But at the time, I just didn’t care that much. I was so lonely. So so lonely. And I had someone that could give me everything I wished for. Every dirty thought I tried so hard to suppress. Was it really that bad to be…
I was so fucking exhausted from living like a puppet that couldn’t even enjoy her own body.
What else could a loser like me get? Another loser like that Chainsaw Man boy? Ugh .
No, this was way better. It was less embarrassing too, actually.
Think about it.
Imagine if another person had to see me whining and moaning like that? Gross. Thanks, Yoru, actually, for opening this door so I don’t have to keep begging people to not leave me. I don’t have to keep begging God to not take people away from me. If I ever lose Yoru either I get my body back or we’re both dead. Win-win. Yoru was practically me now. We were one.
The me that was me died that night. And a new us came together. And it was time I finally accepted it.
Night and Day converged,
eternal White Night
Insomniac lovers,
minds melting to one.
And I had to be perfectly fine with it. I had to. Or else I was going to turn insane.
Yoru went away, but the physical sensation of a hug drowned me in a deep sleep, a deranged smile on my face. My guardian devil watching over me.