Supernovae Phenomenon

by FanAdorerr610

Summary:

Her eyes were blown wide open and her skin paled, as white as a sheet. As Kana caught glimpses of them, it just hit her that this was really going to happen to her. And she was barely eighteen.

Or, Kana accidentally stumbled upon trouble that would completely shatter her for life and she's left to pick up the pieces by herself. (Takes place prior the scandal arc shortly after chapter 95 of the manga)

Notes:

Please heed the warnings! This book only serves as entertainment purposes and do not condone any wrongful actions nor belittle the traumatic experience included in the contents of this fanfic. Always remember to keep yourselves safe people <33

Chapter 1: The Death of A Sun

Notes:

This chapter is when things are really explicit and disturbing. Heavy S/A warning!!

Tonight's rain was harsh and unforgiving — as was the world towards a young girl named Arima Kana.

Everyone else in Japan would've already been under their own shelters, whether it'd be in the comfort of their homes or protected under an umbrella. These people might even be surrounded by loved ones, someone to remind them that they are loved and appreciated.

Perhaps not everyone, perhaps most at best. In any case, Kana wasn't one of them, that's for sure.

She couldn't be as her shoes continuously pattered swiftly in puddles, almost causing her to slip a few times from the wet pavement. Kana ran out in the rain, her neverending tears disguised as nature's own pouring down her face. Her legs leaped in every step, determined to take her as far as they could muster.

Kana herself didn't even know where she was going. She couldn't see the road ahead of her with all this water covering her eyesight and she could barely get any help from the line of street lamps in the dark. One thing she does know and the very thing that fuels her strength to keep going was her objective to get farther and farther away, since Aqua seemed to want that.

The sequence of events that happened earlier is still fresh on her mind, she feels as though it will forever be engraved in her brain.

Eventually, exhaustion caught up to her, and she had to stop to take a breather. As she did, it was then that she realised how cold she felt, wrapping her arms around herself in an attempt to seek the cozy warmth that'll never be achievable. Kana could scoff at her own state, disgusted by drenched clothing that stuck to her skin and the mud that began to itch from when she fell earlier. Right then, she looked completely and utterly pathetic.

It should be his fault, Kana should've blamed him for being the cause of her current state because if he hadn't violently pushed her away, she wouldn't have fallen in the dirt and she wouldn't have lost her umbrella and she really should've taken back the umbrella that she owned — but she couldn't.

Not when the reality was her fault. Aqua hated Kana, after all. She must've been so insufferable and annoying, desperately trying to make contact and cling unto their crumbling relationship. So determined to patch the cracks between them that she was blind to the fact that there was never a ‘them’ in the first place. He simply got fed up and wanted nothing more to do with her, just like the people before him.

Again, she was naive and stubborn. Not wanting to let go similarly to a bad skin rash. Kana never knew when to quit, did she?

At the very least, she'd take the umbrella she left as her last favour and an apology to Aqua for having to deal with her painfully slow comprehension.

Still, a girl can dream. And it seems Kana hasn't woken up from hers yet as a mental image crossed her mind. She trembled from the thought, it's a stupid idea and she probably read too many romance mangas. Kana knew she shouldn't but her body moved before her mind did as she quickly turned around — to see absolutely no one in sight.

Figures, what was she even thinking? Her face burns up in morbid embarrassment despite the freezing temperature. It's baffling how crushed she feels after getting her delusion disproven, she should've expected it. The male lead chasing after the heroine after having a heated fight, then reconciles and embraces each other in a happily ever after — it's always been cheesy, cliché fairy tales. At any rate, Kana was terrible for placing one of her silly fantasies unto Aqua, the burden of being her knight and shining armour. She wasn't even worth chasing. No wonder he hated her.

In the midst of her lamentation, the red head finally took in her surroundings and just realised how foreign was the place she currently stood. She doesn't recognise the area at all. Other than the sound of heavy drops of sky water rapidly plummeting against the concrete, she could distantly hear the honk of cars and a busy traffic but even that wasn't exactly useful as she couldn't actually pinpoint where the noises led to. Adding to the fact that she could barely see, Kana surmised that she had indeed gotten lost.

Great, just great , she exasperated, just how much misfortune does she have to put up with today?

Holding back the tears that threaten to spill anew, Kana pulled out her phone and checked the digital map. According to the app, a taxi station should be nearby but when she looked closely, the depot would be the way where she last came from.

Now, even having to think about going back there and getting the chance to bump into Aqua made the red haired girl shiver from not only the cold. Truthfully, Kana was afraid — to see those eyes full of hatred and to hear that voice screaming out nothing but ire directed at her — that she'd be willing to walk another route. Some would call her dumb and illogical, petty and stubborn, but if they were in her shoes; with her worries and fears, they would've done the same. Yet, she knew in the back of her mind that she was being impulsive but she'd rather entertain the thoughtless idea and act on it than confront the former possible encounter. She'd avoid the chance at any cost. If you look at it another way, it could also pass as a defense mechanism, to protect herself from further heartbreak.

With that, she turned the opposite way of where the nearest station should be and made her way forward. Kana held her phone close in an iron grip and followed the map through the damp, chilly night. The girl paid no heed to her overall surroundings and kept a straight head, focused only on the map and where she's headed.

If a stray cat passed by her, she didn't notice. If she accidentally mistook a path, she didn't notice. And if she smelled something faintly sweet, she didn't notice.

Her full attention was on the map and only the map. That night, she believed that the map would guide her way and she felt as if the thing was the only one she could trust right then. When everything else had abandoned her once more, feeling as if she was dangling off the edge of a cliff — having something to hold onto was her salvation.

But not for long.

Kana must've not realised it, when she took a turn in a narrow alleyway. Not that she'd especially mind it. The map shows what could only be described as a shortcut, and the girl wasn't interested in wearing soaking wet clothes for another hour. The only thing on her mind was getting to her apartment as fast as possible, taking a warm shower and finding something to take her mind off of tonight. By rereading some manga, for example. That'd hopefully help her forget about what happened. It sounded nice in her head and Kana really needed something kinder for a change.

Out of the blue, the scent that she barely sniffed earlier abruptly invaded her nostrils and just as suddenly did the pungent smell became overwhelming. It outdone even the smell of rain that surrounds the whole area. A scent that should smell pleasant and one favourable of the young woman immediately became something that was causing her a headache, forcing Kana to pinch her nose in order to lessen the intrusion. From what she could tell, they were mixes of fruity and candy-like scents with a hint of chemicals stirred in that did not smell good together at all.

Not only that, Kana could also feel as if she was being watched. She was quite familiar with the feeling.

At that point, sirens were already blaring in her head. Her gut wasn't sitting quite right and every part of her body was screaming at her of the danger that lies ahead which they could somehow sense, but the host couldn't. Kana was indecisive on whether or not to trust her instincts or go by her urgent desire to get home. However, it didn't matter what choice she'd make at that moment because once she stepped foot into that dingy alleyway, she was like a bear caught in its trap.

Her breath hitched in her throat, when all of a sudden a tall figure blocked her way, preventing her from moving onward. It was a man, looked to be middle aged, and he had a vape in his mouth. The smell strengthened as soon as he got in front of her; now she knows where the source of the scent came from.

The red head somehow didn't notice it but the guy was most likely lurking and hiding in plain sight, just hanging around by the wall of the alley. To her credit, it was darker there than it was outside — the two buildings had covered what little light the clouded moon in the sky had to offer, leaving the narrow gap between them shrouded in an almost pitch black darkness.

Before Kana could even do or say anything, the man took out the object from his mouth which led to a flurry of vapour spilling from his lips, blown on her face and made her scrunch up her nose in evident irk.

The man smirked, looking down at Kana in an ugly smug before saying in a mocking tone, “what’s a cute little girl doing in this dark and scary place all by herself?”

It was a rhetorical question, one that only serves to belittle her and she was under no obligation to answer anyway. Kana knew that it was better not to respond in a situation like this, especially when face to face with a certified creep who lurks in shadowed alleys at night. There were giant red flags all over, and for a brief second, Kana thought running into Aqua again wouldn't be so bad compared to this.

There was no room for regrets now. If she valued her life, she had to act. Fast.

Kana tried to back away, planning to take off in a sprint and settling for a safer route. Unexpectedly, she bumped into something that wasn't supposed to be there. She doesn't remember a wall from whence she came; that's because it wasn't but another man behind her when she looked. And her heart dropped to her feet.

Quickly, she recoiled away only to see two more stepping out of the shadows and before she knew it, Kana was surrounded by these men. They all looked far older than her and they were all wearing that same sneering look towards her, all while they each had a vape of their own. The men speak one after the other, words that were drowned out by Kana’s panic but she could at least vaguely make out the things they were saying. Empty compliments and teasing comments, they all but fall on deaf ears. Kana was quite used to these voices that aim to hurt since she was no less than two, and have grown to ignore the criticism of others. She didn't care then, she shouldn't care now.

Yet it was hard when they became too loud, louder than the torrential hurricane. It was distracting. Kana was trying to focus on finding a way out but the wild, pungent smell, the noisy voices, the uncomfortable feeling of wet clothes and technically everything else was about to make her go crazy.

Kana noticed that one of them had gotten a little too close for comfort and she snapped, kicking the guy in the crotch before he could get any closer and have funny ideas that wouldn't really be funny.

She sees the man’s face wrinkled in agony as he curled in on himself, before she suddenly got pulled from the back by her arm. The girl acted swiftly, gripping her free hand firmly and launched a punch which landed on the other man’s jaw. The guy grunted painfully and drew back all while brutally tossing Kana away, causing her to lose her footing and fall down.

Kana splashed in the puddle below her unceremoniously. She was able to catch herself by quickly shoving her hands forward before landing, but the aftermath of that was the pang in her palms shooting up to her elbows and also the one side of her thigh that paid the price when she had hit the ground. Even so, Kana could barely feel it with the adrenaline currently running through her veins.

Without a moment’s delay and just as soon as she was freed from the latter’s grasp, Kana scrambled to take off her backpack and searched for a certain keychain placed on it. Once she got ahold of it, she hastily pulled off the pin from the object which triggered an alarm that shortly screeched in the air.

It was loud and deafening, enough to compete with the harsh rain. All four men covered their ears and groaned in annoyance at the noise, even Kana had trouble adjusting to the abrupt din despite expecting it to come. As loud as it was, the rain suddenly became louder and harsher out of nowhere, as if to beat the tiny keychain in a challenge — as if to muffle her cry for help.

Kana wondered for a split second if the gods had forsaken her.

The red haired girl tried to stand on her feet, still having hope of escaping this but unfortunately, one of them managed to seize her shoulder. When the guy should've been worrying about his eardrums bursting, he'd rather risk his life than to let the girl flee. Kana couldn't think clearly but her body fought for her when she bit down on the hand’s finger until she tasted iron.

The hand pulled away followed by a frightful shriek from the man. Alas, before Kana could get at least a minute to compose herself, another hand clasped locks of her hair and yanked it up without warning. This rather brutal act caught her off guard and she yelped as she felt her scalp burn from the pull. She was torn between covering her ears and trying to reach for the hand and scratch at it to let go. Instinctively, her body made the decision as her hands instantaneously flew to her head — clenching her teeth, enduring the head-splitting noise — and as soon as she felt the hand above her, she scratched and scratched but it almost seemed immune. The hand did not let go but only pulled harder.

Her eyes sting and she was losing control of the situation. Kana wondered where everyone was, and why they weren't helping her. The noise was loud enough to reach a mile from there so surely anyone could be passing by, right? She was begging for anybody to tell her that her attempt wasn't in vain. Kana felt helpless and the only thing giving her hope now was the chance for someone, anyone to hear her distraught call and come save her from it all.

Except the chance was close to none when the noise began to hiss and stutter. Kana looked to her side to see one of the men stomping repeatedly on the device and her bag — and soon enough, the alarm halted to a stop as the keychain broke to bits. Only an echo of the noise was left to reverberate, and even then it quickly left into the air.

Silence was never louder in her ears.

The men all sighed in unison, as if relieved to finally get rid of something that could get them caught in a criminal act. Kana, on the other hand, refused to surrender and continued to struggle against her handler which only earned her another rough tug.

“You’re a feisty one, aren't you? The kitty has claws, huh?” One of them taunts.

Kana feigned ignorance, she tries not to listen. Concentrating on finding another way out of this, she lets her mind drown it out into inaudible mumbles.

“Fucking slut playing hard to get. What an annoying bitch.”

The words meant nothing to her.

“Wait until we put you in your place, you'll be begging for more like the whore you are.”

Absolutely nothing.

Once she got out of this situation, they'll mean even less—

Kana felt something wet and hot hit her cheek, trickling down her jaw. It was quicker and warmer than the rain, and also felt oddly lumpy. She looked ahead to see one of the men looking down at her with fury in his eyes, while he wiped his mouth of some liquid with his hand. Then and there, she realised that he had just spat on her face. Kana grimaced in disgust and growing rage.

“Oi, listen,” the entitled man demanded, “ya dare to kick me in the dick like that? Y’know, I would've killed you long ago for pulling that shit but hey, everyone says it's wrong to hit girls.”

He turned to the rest and they all grinned and sniggered with each other as if they found humour in an inside joke that Kana wasn't a part of. Not for long, the man faced her again with a sinister smirk.

“But you, little girl, need a punishment and I know just one suited for bitches like you.”

Before Kana could react fast enough, hands snatched and tore at her clothes. Buttons flew from her coat and her sweater ripped from her torso.

No, no, no , she couldn't allow this to happen. She couldn't.

Kana flailed about and threw her limbs in the air frantically, hurling kicks and punches that never connected. She thrashed with all her might even as layers of clothing were shed. In spite of her efforts, she was never really that strong to begin with; neither psychically nor emotionally. In the end, her fight bore fruitless and she realised it herself quite soon after her line of defenses were shredded to pieces.

At that moment, she was completely rid of her clothes without her will. Well, not exactly completely — some parts of her tights were left wrapped around her legs albeit full of holes and so are the remaining fabric of what was formerly her sweater — yet her bra and panties were significantly removed by eager hands, leaving her boobs and cunt out in the open as if on display for the whole world to see. The red head felt extremely exposed and embarrassed at her own state. Even more so when she feels unwanted perverted eyes scanning her entire body in both awe and lust. A soft whistle shrilled in the air all of a sudden and that made Kana’s face match the colour of her hair in hot shame.

She could only look away, not wanting to meet the eyes of predators before her. That was until one of them was bold enough to cup one of her boobs without permission.

The alien touch sent shivers down her spine and Kana shrieked, squirming back from the inconsiderate gesture. Unfortunately, they wouldn't allow her to move away as the hand that was still on her hair gripped harder and the man in front of her clutched her waist firmly with his one hand whilst continuing to hold her boob with the other.

Kana could only clench her teeth as she endured the tickling sensation. From static holding, he took an initiative to start cradling it and then giving it light squeezes. His effort goes unappreciated by the person he's doing it to but she doubts any one of them would care.

“It’s kinda small but… really soft,” the man breathed out and damn, did his breath stink. Kana would’ve told him to shut his mouth or take a mint, but she kept quiet.

It was then when his thumb pressed gently against her pink-tinted nipple without warning did a surprised mewl escape from her throat unwillingly. The five of them were shocked by the suggestive sound but the men were the only ones grinning from ear to ear while the girl was mortified by her own voice.

The man didn't stop from there, in fact, he continued to place his thumb where it shouldn't be and rubbed her tit which only grew firmer in reaction. Kana tried her best to struggle out of it but she was weak against her assaulter. The only thing she could do was bite down on her lip to hopefully stay silent.

However as the guy picked up the pace, it was getting more and more difficult to control herself which led to non-compliant whimpers to slip out from her mouth. Kana felt hot, she shut her eyes closed and internally begged for the man to stop because she didn't like what she was feeling. She didn't like it at all.

As if the man heard her plea, he finally pulled away from Kana and she'd never been so grateful. She tried to catch her breath and calm her beating heart, paying more attention to the sound of the storm — and the freezing cold of the rain instead of the warm feeling under her belly — than the current predicament she was in to steadily compose herself. Little did she know that the downpour had obscured the sounds of belts unbuckling and zippers unzipping, until she opened her eyes just to see all of the men pulling out their veiny, rock-hard members out of their pants where they should've been hidden.

Her eyes were blown wide open and her skin paled, as white as a sheet. As Kana caught glimpses of them, it just hit her that this was really going to happen to her. And she was barely eighteen.

She wasn't even granted the right to have the time to fully comprehend her inevitable misfortune before both her legs were seized and lifted into the air by someone else. The hand from her hair had moved then, now in hold of both her upper arms from behind in order to further restrain her movements.

The former man who was handling her legs had nestled himself in between her thighs. With how Kana was positioned, she had a full view of the penis that rested on top of her clit, one that had entirely enveloped her genital without much effort.

It wasn't because the man’s member was big, it was a rather average size as a matter of fact. It's just that Kana had always been pretty small since she was born. Perhaps if she had grown taller or bigger, it wouldn't look as intimidating as it was to her now.

The man in front of her grinned like the devil as he leaned in, “ya want my dick so much you throw a damn tantrum and kick it, right? Then I'll give you exactly what you want.”

No, she pleaded, yet that was the only thing she could do. The scales weren't tilted in her favour and she would be powerless to stop the defilement done towards her that was undoubtedly soon to come.

However unsightly it was, Kana can't seem to divert her gaze elsewhere than the cock that was lining up, about ready to tear her apart. In one glance, she could see that the tip of the shaft was ejecting small drops of semi-transparent liquid but she passed it off as the rain. With that thought comes another, Kana was suddenly reminded of a dreadful detail that she missed, and one that would haunt her forever in her waking days.

They didn't prepare condoms.

But it was too late. Kana noticed the way the man moved, that he was about to thrust forward and enter her. There was no time for her to stop them nor attempt to convince them to wear protection. Not that it'll be guaranteed anyway. Now, because of her recklessness, her life was going to be ruined.

Kana braced herself for impact when the man snapped his hips and aimed for her hole — but missed.

She saw the way the shaft couldn't fit through her lips and slid up over her stomach. He missed. It didn't happen. But the man won't seem to quit as he tried to line up once more and just then did Kana realise she was too shocked to scream all this time until she did.

In a panic, she wanted to get away from it all. It was her chance to escape, she couldn't allow the man to have a second shot. Kana doesn't know why but her gut got her convinced that if the first time the man failed to enter her, he was most likely to succeed the second attempt and once it got to that point, she'll never have freedom. It was now or never. 

And so, Kana lunged and wriggled against the men and considering she had been almost docile for a while, her abrupt scuffle had come across as unexpected to them and she managed to twist herself free of her legs. The red head also tried to release her arms by flipping her torso the other way but the man who was initially behind her tightened his grip on her wrist and returned the hand that had yanked her hair earlier.

It was no use, they were going in a circle of futile struggle. She had to get help, she had to get someone to save her.

At that moment, a certain someone came to her mind. The person wasn't a figure of authority but he had saved her when she was at her lowest. He wasn't someone she should be calling for but despite herself, she screamed for his name at the top of her lungs.

 

“ Aqua! ”

 

It was when she realised what she had just said that Kana felt the dawning despair. But she just couldn't stop.

“Save me, Aqua! Pl-please help!! Aqua, please–!!!”

Her tongue had a mind of its own.

“Aqu—”

 

“ Aqua? ”

 

Only when she heard someone else speak of his name did the demeaning words get stuck in her throat.

“That your boyfriend’s name?” Another spoke.

None knows how many times Kana had dreamed of that possibility but it's exactly that, a dream. An impossible dream that will never become her reality.

“Sorry to break it to you but he probably doesn't want you anymore after this,” then another.

She'd believe that as well and the person in question had already made himself quite clear. If she still didn't get the hint then she really was as stupid as society made her out to be. Which she probably was.

“But don't worry, we'll take care of you now, baby. We'll use you for all your worth, like good boyfriends.”

More like everyone else before them.

Kana was tired of being taken advantage of over and over again, but she'd be lying if she said she's never begged to be used. To show her worth. One she lacked to this day.

But this wasn't what she wanted. This wasn't how she craved to be valued. Having her naked and vulnerable body exposed for hungry eyes to devour, to be violated in a drab and isolated alleyway with no one around to help, and to be abandoned by the people she thought she could trust.

The man that was now behind her grabbed both of her thighs again but Kana wouldn't back down. She'd continue to scream and writhe under the talons of her predators even if she knew there was zero chance of her breaking free.

All she wanted to do was go home.

The man in front of her switched from her head to grab her under the chin and dug his fingers into her jaws. The hand then proceeded to squeeze her cheeks from underneath with a firm grip which forced her to open her mouth, making way for a member to enter without trouble. Her screams were muffled by the intrusion and she could taste the salty precum on her tongue. If she wanted to vomit, she psychically couldn't. The fixed squash of her cheeks was cruelly made to purposely impede Kana from biting down.

“Finally, she shut up,” the man above her said with a pleased groan.

The man wouldn't even let her adjust before moving in and out of her mouth, reaching half of her throat and causing her to choke and gag. Ugly noises escaped her and she was disgusted with herself.

While she was distracted up front, Kana didn't realise the hands from behind had spread her legs wide apart. The man had lifted her lower body to reach his hips and didn't spare a second to insert the tip between her folds and sheath his cock to the hilt in one go. Kana finds herself breathless at the feeling of being stuffed full. In the back of her mind, she knew something had torn inside as she felt acute pain in what seemed like a deep part of her vagina.

“Ah, shit. She's so fucking tight– and super wet, too,” the man grunted before chuckling lowly.

“Think she's a virgin?” Another man beside her asked as if genuinely curious, all while fapping himself to the sight.

“Doesn’t matter. With how moist she is right now, she's liking it.”

It's the rain, she wants to say, it isn't me . Kana refused to believe the notion of her hormones which she couldn't control was causing her to feel aroused, while getting raped out of all the things. She didn't like it at all, in fact, she hated it and all she wished for was to curl up in her sheets alone by herself.

 

“What a slut.”

 

Kana wants to beg the one in her cunt to not move, as it hurts so, so badly but the one in her mouth kept on thrusting too deep which gave her neither room for oxygen nor the ability to speak.

Unable to hear her cries, the man slowly moved out just until the shaft and moved back inside. He was keeping the pace steady and unhurried, repeating the same flow for multiple times and thankfully, Kana could barely feel it.

That was until the man seemingly had lost his patience and suddenly pulled out with haste, thrusting back in with as much speed.

The girl yelped inaudibly and lightly thrashed around to express her discomfort but the man only clenched her plush thighs callously, promising bruises as if he either didn't get the hint or didn't care. Afterwards, he resumed with the newfound tempo without the slightest consideration for her well-being.

It hurts, hurts, hurts so much to the point she felt as if she was being torn in half but he kept going and going and going and her skin was stretching so painfully. Not to mention the guy in front of her was beginning to ram erratically and she was sure that he was going to break her jaw open.

Suddenly and without warning, the guy in her mouth did one last deep thrust before stilling, followed by hot spurts of liquid shooting directly into her narrow throat and blocking her airway. Whilst the other ruts perpetually inside her bruised vulva, the former continued to plug her mouth full in a way that wasn't intended to let even a trickle of seminal fluid slip through her lips, pressuring her to swallow his seed. Kana couldn't breathe — she couldn't breathe, she was suffocating, she was going to die .

She didn't want to die. She was scared, she was scared, scared.

In the spur of the moment, the man behind her halted all of a sudden but still kept a firm grasp on her thighs. He appeared to be distracted by something.

He took a moment before asking aloud, “is she cumming?”

Kana heard the rest chuckling lowly with a hint of amazement and it seemed like they stopped whatever they were doing. That included the man in front of her, fortunately, as he finally took his manhood out from her mouth and freed the girl from the torture he forced her into. She immediately gasped, able to catch some air at last. Although now her mouth was without a cork to stop the liquid from escaping, it led her to cough it back out as she witnessed with dread the lumps of white dripping below her.

“Nah, wait,” a man sniffed — and really, Kana was too out of it to wonder which one is which, “it smells more like piss. I think she just pissed herself.”

There was a short silence besides the infinite rain, before guffaws of laughter filled the air.

“Haha, she's a pussy! Literally!” Someone else had joked, and that prompted more gleeful hysterics from the rest. It was inappropriate and outright evil of them as they downgraded and made fun of her this way. Kana was enraged by the poor treatment she was receiving but she knew there was nothing she could do and that made her more painfully irritated.

“Hey whore,” a voice suddenly called out to her and without really thinking, influenced by her own anger, she snapped her head up to the source with furrowed brows.

Only a playback would know how fast her face fell into a look of horror, when she was greeted by the lens of a camcorder that already had a blinking red dot. Making it obvious to her that the camera had started rolling and she was the main star of the show. Just as realisation sinked in, the man behind her began to move again unannounced.

 

“Smile for the camera!”

 

Kana gritted her teeth in unidentified emotion as she struggled to keep up with the man’s rather fast pace that soon became irregular. She tries her best to ignore what that specific pattern meant, and instead busted a gut trying to block and push the camera away from documenting her humiliating state in vain. Even as she tried to cover her own face, someone would clutch her wrists and drag it away, nearly popping her arms out of their sockets in the process.

After a while, the man staggered to a halt and Kana could feel every pump of thick fluid unloading into the core of her vagina.

It's just rain , she tries to convince herself, a lot of it must've slipped in . Because it couldn't be anything else, it was simply not possible. Kana had never taken birth control before because she didn't deem it necessary and it won't be because the liquid that was currently inside and leaking out of her cunt was one thing and one thing only, and that is rain. It's just rain, just rain, just rain just rain rain rain rain rainrainrainrainrai—

As soon as the man exited her back with a few shallow thrusts, Kana couldn't catch a break as she immediately felt her head getting pulled by both hands and promptly having another member shoved past her lips.

At the same time, someone else had grabbed one of her thighs and lifted it up in a semi-hug as she felt a different cock enter her filled pussy. It was always followed by animalistic groans and moans as they used her delicate frame without care.

“Come on, there's one more room right here,” and Kana heard it before she felt it; a finger prodding at the rim of her ass hole. Then a new intrusion penetrates into her tight space, joining beside the former just on the other side of her walls.

“Mph! Fuck, that's good,” they would more or less always say. As if it was something she should take as a compliment.

They all thrusted inconsistently at once. The unsteady rhythm of pulling and pushing was overwhelming, as they selfishly chased after their own relief.

One after the other, they'd release inside and all over her body, painting her walls and skin white. Afterwards, the men before would've already been hard once more, and they'd switch places with the ones that had newly turned flaccid — rather hastily they all were as if greedy to experience her virgin body however more — and the cycle repeats over and over and over again. Kana had lost count of how many turns each man had taken.

With each time they took repeated rounds with her body, the more she felt as if her organs were rearranging to better suit her rapists. All to grant them the satisfaction they desire, serving to please as she's done her whole life.

Sooner than later, Kana had become dazed and exhausted. Everything else that happened afterwards were a blur, and she had grown numb to the awful stench of human waste and the noises of skin slapping skin which had driven her to insanity just prematurely. Eventually, she went limp and gone blank as they continued to fuck and pass her to the next person as if she were nothing but some cheap sex doll. All while the camera recorded it all.

There was nothing on her mind and there was nothing for her to say or do that'll prove useful. Arima Kana finally gave up for once.

By that time, she had already gotten quite loose and they seemed pretty spent. But what exactly prompted them to end it off, was the mere lack of struggle; the fighting spirit that she had lost just before reaching the finish line. They solely got bored over time, that was it. After what felt like years, they ultimately ceased their abuse and left just like that, leaving the poor girl broken and laid curled up on the cold, filthy dirt. She could only regret not giving up sooner.

The clouds above had long gone dry sometime after she submitted. But while the rain from the sky surely ceased, not from her eyes.

Kana felt dirty, forever stained and her body now came across as unrecognisable to her. Although nature's wrath had calmed, she felt sticky substances mixed in with the damp puddle beneath her and her skin was starting to itch. She also felt really cold and pondered if she was going to freeze to death then and there.

She muses how the public was going to find her corpse in the morning, if they do, rotting with sickening fluids and tears all over. They're going to think she's pitiful, pathetic, disgusting, fit for a whore. The social media platforms will be flushed with posts of her, criticising and butchering her to pieces exactly like how they've done it when she was younger and had newly fallen from stardom. Kana knows she should get up so it wouldn't happen and so that no one would find her like this, bruised and used until the life was sucked out of her completely.

Despite what her mind was convinced of, her heart remained beating and she could see the steady rise and fall of her own chest; evidence of something alive. It's clear that she wasn't dead just yet — even though the frostbite engulfing her form was soon going to pronounce her as so, so long as she continued to lie there immobile — however, she wasn't able to move an inch. Kana doesn't know why, in spite of the risks, she couldn't really bring herself to care.

Why should she care again, she's out of reasons. She's dead either way.

If she could just close her eyes and pass away like this…

As she slowly fluttered her eyelids, accepting certain death in a content embrace, her past memories flashed before her very eyes. And when she recalled these moments in her life, it made Kana be reminded of the things she cherished and wanted to protect. People, rather.

Ruby, Memcho, Miyako, her agency — they came to her mind. They were the only people as close as family to her and the only ones she had left after everything. Then and there did Kana realise that she was going to ruin her team members. She was going to cause the destruction of their company if something like this were to spread. The red head remembers those times when they had expressed their wishes to become famous, lovable idols and she saw how their eyes sparkled with undeniable joy in finally living out their long awaited dream. Yet those dreams of theirs to shine as bright as stars will shatter and burn to ashes before them; all because of Kana. Her and her carelessness.

No, she couldn't do this to her agency, friends — family . It was cruel of her to do so after everything they've done for her, even just being by her side was enough. Kana would be the worst human on earth to have lived if she's ever done something similar, and she'll never forgive herself for it.

With that thought, the girl did not wait to regain her strength and hurriedly directed her damaged figure, pulling herself up. She felt heavy, as if she had suddenly weighed a hundred pounds. Her body still ached and she was barely able to sit. Kana felt extremely cold and figured that before anything else, she should put her clothes back on. Or, what's left of it.

First and foremost, Kana looked at her surroundings, trying to see where things were as it was still very dark and she soon spotted articles of clothing messily strewn across the floor of the alley and scattered in many different places. Some were quite close while some looked far from where she's currently sitting. The men must've thrown them away without looking, as if they were taking out the trash. In any case, Kana prioritised getting her undergarments first which were, thankfully, only a few inches from her.

Kana simply extended her arm towards her bra that lay on the floor and as she picked it up, she also saw her panties underneath. Unfortunately, one of the side wings had gotten ripped off completely along with the waistband, making it unwearable. The idea of walking around without underwear hurts her dignity but then again, there's probably nothing left of it after this. She wasn't even sure if she had something like pride or self-respect in the first place, with how she constantly followed people around shamelessly like a parasite. Even so, the girl continued on and wrapped the bra around her torso, even as she found half of the hooks missing, she pretended not to care.

That's one line of clothing done. Onto the next.

Another piece she finds a few feet away, one she couldn't just reach within arm’s length. She had to move in order to get it but when she tried to push herself up using her hands, it was as if an anchor had fallen from the sky and landed on her. Kana had narrowly avoided nose diving into the puddle with the help of her forearm.

However now, as she's face to face with her reflection in the soiled pool, the red head was met by someone unfamiliar and although Kana didn't know the girl who was trapped under the puddle, she knew she hated her from first sight. She looked gross and pitiful. Kana didn't have time to sympathise with her, let alone show any sort of empathy; she never really thought anyone was undeserving of worth her whole life, until then. Thus, Kana backed away, turning a blind eye to the girl's suffering as she felt the weight of her sins grew heavier than ever before. She tries to forget her face.

Kana decided to dig her fingers into the dirt and drag her lower half forwards, returning to the task at hand. In that way, she slowly made her way towards her abandoned garments. If the hard surface of the ground scratched her thighs and ripped some more of her leggings, she didn't notice. The scarred girl proceeded to pull herself over, her fingernails caked in mud.

When she eventually neared a pile of fabric, Kana found what had initially been a turtle-neck sweater, shredded into four splitted scraps. On a normal day, she would've been extremely upset if one of her clothes had gotten ruined but at that moment, she could hardly think much of it. The red head only made use of it to wipe some parts of her face and body of the sticky substances, then tossed it away after it served its last purpose. Quickly, she moved on.

To her roughed up hat, to her right shoe that flew off, to her soaked and buttonless coat. Once she got what she could, she steadily got dressed. She knew her movements were slow but she didn't have much energy left to do anything about it.

As she tied the ribbon of her coat as a substitute for the buttons, the garment now managed to cover her torso and thankfully just below her pelvis. Kana wouldn't have anything to hide her shame otherwise; her skirt had been another victim of those hands that tore and broke everything in their way. It seems only the coat received the least damage. She should be grateful for that, at least.

Now that the dressing part had concluded, Kana took a deep breath before she attempted to get up once more. It was a tough endeavour, her body still felt strangely overweight but with a little more push, and her precious people in mind to motivate her, Kana was barely able to stand on both her feet — even as her figure wobbled and her legs shook. Distantly, she could feel something wet trickling down in between her thighs but her consciousness would only again blame the rain despite the fact that it stopped long ago, long enough that any drops that lingered should've been dried off. Yet, she had no choice but to believe it in order to protect herself from any more hurt.

Kana patted herself, front and back, to brush off the grime from her damp clothing but it only made her hands dirtier. She stopped to look down at her palms for a solid minute. The girl glimpsed the soil which covered her hands were all but mere dirt and none but blood, her blood. Another evidence of a brutal murder that happened before her very eyes just moments ago.

And she clapped her hands together a few times, removing the stains as if to conceal the unjust punishment that befell the girl; acting as an apprentice to her own homicide. Her guilt grew, but what's most important was that no one will ever know of the incident. She'll make sure of it.

Then and there, Kana suddenly realised that her appearance was incomplete. Something was missing. Something that were neither her garments torn to shreds, nor the innocence that she lost — or, one she never had. Her back felt lonely and light, albeit the heavy weight of her sins, and it also weren't those wings of hers which were now clipped; snatching her right to fly, her freedom forever out of reach.

It was none other than her bag, of course. What else could it be other than that, when she had lost everything else?

The red head dropped her arms to her sides and scanned what's left of the alley. It wasn't hard to spot the slightly bright colour of the object as it was an obvious contrast in the dark area — just as she was before — but she digressed, slowly making her way to the bag abandoned on the floor whilst keeping herself steady so she didn't fall. Because Kana knew that once she collapsed again, she'll never get up the next time. For that, she tried her best to avoid the small, shallow pools formed around many places, as they'll most certainly be the cause of her tumble.

Before she was at arm’s length, Kana could already see dark patterns of shoe soles and smudges of mud painting the former white of the backpack. Oh , Kana muses, it'd be difficult for her to get the stains out — if she could get it out. Faint remnants of the taint would most likely be left visible on the light colour, impossible to be rid of. What a shame. It was pretty, too.

In the corner of her eye, she caught a glance of multiple tiny chunks beside the bag. Some of it was buried in the dirt, and Kana wondered if the earth was swallowing it whole; perceiving those little crushed bits to be seeds. Too bad they weren't supposed to be used in that way, then again, it couldn't be used in any way anyway. That cursed thing was supposed to save her, protect her and it did nothing of the sort. It failed its purpose. It was useless. Advertised to be a self defence object? She could laugh . Kana should've never bought the stupid thing. Just look at it. Destroyed by simply getting stomped on. How could something as weak as that be sold to assist her in a desperate scenario? She should sue the company that invented the object for false advertisement. It was fucking useless, useless, useless useless useless useless useless useless useless.

Without her realisation, she's been firmly closing her hands into fists until her knuckles turned white. Even then, she could hardly feel her nails scratching deep into the skin of her palms. Yet, she gripped her hands tighter, because that was the only way she could hold on; to keep herself stable lest she breaks down where she stood.

It didn’t matter if she had filed a complaint to some business company anyway, did it? Because whatever compensation they would offer will never fix this. This can never be fixed, she reflects, finally freeing her closed hands that had begun to tremble from the pressure. Kana instead silently bent down to take the backpack from the ground, distantly aware of the stinging pain in her lower body and the ever present feeling of dampness in between her thighs. When the bag was lifted, she spotted her phone just a few feet away; tossed away and forgotten during the first scuffle. Kana picked it up and noted that it only suffered a few small cracks on the screen protector but was able to switch on and work — except that the contents lagged a bit. Probably from being exposed to water from when it was still raining earlier so she guessed she should get it looked at sometime soon.

Kana doesn't know why but as she stood there emptily staring at the device in her hand, she couldn't help but think what would've happened if she had put the phone to use as well. What could've gone differently, if it wasn't just another thought her stupid brain had kept from her in a time of need. Even so, what could she have done?

Call someone? Who, the police? Would they even be able to arrive on time? Somebody else? Who, someone close, someone she doesn't want to think about. Not even his name. She wants to forget it, never knowing who it belongs to. The alphabetical letters put together looked like a curse and she never wants it to reach her ears ever again. Truthfully, Kana felt guilty and ashamed, she could never face him ever again. And anyway, would he come to help? After what had happened between them…

In any case, it didn't matter, right? The phone would've just been another thing snatched away from her before she could do anything with it. Besides, nothing mattered. Kana had already brought this upon herself the moment she foolishly chased after a taken guy; someone else's boyfriend.

 

‘What a slut.’

 

The voice echoed in her mind, and it was true, wasn't it? Yet she wanted to refuse, to say that she only wanted to at least keep the friendship between them. He was precious to her and she felt so very grateful to him for saving her that day. She was wholeheartedly content to be friends, all she wanted was to be by his side.

 

‘Sorry to break it to you but he probably doesn't want you anymore after this.’

 

That was a lie, though, she was obviously lying to herself no matter how much she denied it. Everyone knows how badly she wanted an innocent boy who has his own choices and she simply violated his rules with no care at all; refusing to take his no for an answer. They could even say she forced herself on him and they would be right, wouldn't they?

 

Kana was disgusting.

 

She exhaled a shaky breath and her ruined body shivered. With each blink, her eyelids felt heavier and she was just so, so tired. Kana tapped on the map app on her phone once more and gazed into the artificial light — it was all she could do to keep herself awake.

The red head turned around and continued from where she left off, before the disruption. Kana didn't think she missed anything but couldn't care enough to confirm it. The only things she leaves behind without a second glance were all but useless, including the rotting corpse of a girl in that alleyway.

Thus, Kana limped her way forward. Exiting the crime scene. She hadn't seen anything; she wasn't a witness.

It was a new moon that night.

 

***

 

It was quiet as the streets on the way to her apartment were empty. Kana was grateful for that, apprehensive about being seen in the state she was in. After all, it was glaringly obvious; the implications of her dishevelled appearance. Just one look at her would cause rumours to spread around, especially considering the fact that she was a person of recognition. It would've ended badly that way, but she still kept her head down in case.

At the same time, Kana was entirely paranoid. Her thoughts always led to possibilities of her being watched by someone with every step she took and made her wonder with growing trepidation if she would be ambushed and the same thing would happen to her all over again.

Kana didn't know if she'd be able to hold herself together, she's barely able to now.

Thankfully, she hurried over to her apartment without further casualties. Kana wasn't sure if she was seen by any of her neighbours and she didn't want to know. The first thing she did as soon as she stepped into the safety of her home, Kana made a beeline to the bathroom.

Hastily, the girl rushed to get her clothes off. Harshly, even — but it didn't matter anyway because it's been torn and dirty, just like her body. What she wanted the most at that moment was to get clean, to scrub off every last skin that was touched until there was nothing left but flesh and bone. She wanted to get rid of her ability to feel. Once she got completely naked, — unlike earlier when bits and pieces of her leggings and sweater clung unto her in an attempt to salvage her dignity, to no use — Kana kicked the mess of fabric away to the corner of the bathroom. As if to get as far away from it as possible.

She didn't waste a moment to step into the shower afterwards, opening the switch and letting the clean water drizzle her form. White and red flowed to the drain but she didn't look down to see it. She didn't even bother to change the water temperature to warm, in fact, she didn't even notice it. So used to the cold, despite it only being a few hours in the rain and she was such a drama queen, wasn't she?

Regardless, Kana quickly took the loofah and began exfoliating her skin after pouring soap on the sponge. The girl scrubbed and scrubbed; her arms, her chest, her stomach, her back, her legs and her thighs and her thighs and her thighs until raw and bleeding. But she knew, no matter how much she tries to clean herself, she will never be clean from this. Bruises and invisible scars littered her body in constellations, along with handprints everywhere. Kana was tainted like the selfish girl she was and this was just her punishment, wasn't it? Her comeuppance for being so greedy all the time and it was about time the consequences of her actions caught up to her. She might as well be asking for what had happened to her. And as she scrubbed each part of herself, Kana remembered every single detail, down to the very last hour, of when she received damnation done upon each limb.

How they grabbed and took and took and took, leaving nothing else for her to retrieve. How the words they said to her repeat like a broken record inside her haunted mind.

 

‘Fucking slut playing hard to get. What an annoying bitch.’

 

‘Wait until we put you in your place, you'll be begging for more like the whore you are.’

 

‘Doesn’t matter. With how moist she is right now, she's liking it—’

 

Kana screamed.

The girl grasped at the sides of her head and closed her eyes shut in a pitiful attempt to unhear, unsee and undo it all. And why couldn't it be as simple as that, why did she have to carry these unwanted memories that would no doubt plague her dreams forever? Why couldn't she just forget it or shrug it off as nothing like the rest of her problems?

It wasn't fair.

She continued to scream and grip her head, uncare if she had accidentally plucked off some of her hair, as she slowly fell to her knees. Her tears were disguised as the shower pouring down on her and Kana was reminded of the rain. The mocking weather, another witness to her humiliation. Another vivid reminder of what had transpired.

Weakly and with trembling hands, the girl tried to reach up and turn off the shower but when her mind got to the part where one of the guys forcefully grabbed her jaw open and shoved his member inside her mouth, she knew she couldn't hold it in anymore.

Kana swiftly pushed open the glass door and scrambled to the toilet just in time as she heaved in the bowl. The colours and taste of her vomit was mixed with what she had eaten today but she could recall the clear image of white lumps dripping below her, and that was all it took for her to puke another.

It was disgusting, this was disgusting, she was disgusting. Kana feels like she wants to disappear and she wonders if this is a sign from the universe telling her that she doesn't belong here.

After that was over, her throat felt sore similarly to the rest of her joints and especially her lower half. She muses distantly that she should probably go visit a doctor and get herself checked. The internal bleeding in her vagina in spite of the fact she just had her period last week this month was also pretty concerning. But Kana quickly threw the concern to the back of her mind. For now she just wanted to rest. Kana was exhausted.

The red haired girl flushed the toilet and switched off the shower before walking out of the bathroom unfinished. She took out a simple nightgown from the wardrobe without really looking and put it on for the sake of being dressed. Afterwards, she limped over to her bed and got under the covers.

She couldn't sleep. At all.

It was nothing new, Kana would oftenly get no sleep whenever she was nervous or scared about something. Although she was completely puzzled this time around, because what was there to be frightened of? The men had already left a long time ago and she was in the comfort of her home, safe and sound. It's not like they knew where she lived, she had never been doxxed before fortunately. Society loved to do that; unnecessarily exposing someone else’s privacy to the rest of the world and risking their personal life just because they didn't like that person. Perhaps she was let off the hook because she was still just a child back then. Yet, they didn't exactly go easy on her still. Nonetheless, why couldn't she go to sleep?

Kana had already established that she was safe, and those hands that aim to hurt wouldn't reach her here. So why couldn't she stop shaking? Why did she have to be so dramatic? She hates herself so much.

The girl curled under the blankets and hugged her trembling self tightly. The air conditioner wasn't turned on but the heater in her room yet she felt like she was freezing. Without realising it, Kana had also started huffing and puffing. She was having trouble breathing and it was so, so cold for some reason. Large beads began to gather in her eyes and she doesn't understand it — doesn't understand why this was happening to her.

“ Please …stop it..,” she muttered to herself.

But she does understand. It was her fault what had happened to her and she was to blame for it all. If only she hadn't taken an unfamiliar route like a coward, if she hadn't disturbed Aqua when he looked troubled, acting as if she genuinely cared for her friend and not that she had gross intentions like the whore she was .

 

‘But you, little girl, need a punishment and I know just one suited for bitches like you.’

 

And she got what was coming to her, did she not?

Kana stayed that way, curled in on herself, looking as small as can be as illness took over her frail and damaged body. She stared blankly at her door and waited for the mercy of slumber as she endured the cold and the remnants of abuse engraved in her brain. A thought had passed by for a slight second; whether it was better if tomorrow didn't come for her.

Notes:

Poor Kana... and yes, she did catch a fever at the end. MY POOR BABY!! Trust me, this saddens me just as much to have to force my hand and hurt my beloved (jk this is how I show my love to my favs, watch out my other favs >:) ) In any case, this would officially be my first series bcs I have only posted one shots so far and this has been on my mind for quite a while! Will you go on this adventure with me as we watch Kana further drown in depression but wll soon get the help she needs? Stick around to find out hehe

Chapter 2: Someone To Blame

Notes:

Again, please heed the warnings! This book only serves as entertainment purposes and do not condone any wrongful actions nor belittle the traumatic experience included in the contents of this fanfic. Always remember to keep yourselves safe people <33

Before Kana knew it, sunrise peeked from the curtains. Morning didn't take as long as expected, probably because it'd only been a few hours since she came back to her apartment and after spending an hour or two in the bathroom before hopping in bed. Nevertheless, knowing the fact that it's already morning doesn't motivate Kana to get up at all. Yet she knows that she should get up, maybe eat something since her stomach has been grumbling after being emptied but she doesn't move. Kana stayed curled up in bed under the covers, fighting the cold as she continued to stare blankly at the door. Her eyes felt tired, Kana badly wanted to sleep but she just couldn't. Her body doesn't allow her to just like how it didn't allow her to fight back then.

She's useless, always has been. Kana can't do anything right, this is why everyone was always disappointed in her which then led them to inevitably leave. The girl didn't blame them, she'd want to leave her own self too if she could. As a matter of fact, Kana was the one who should've left; not the others. In reality, she was the one who had chased them off herself hadn't she?

All of a sudden, her mother came to mind and Kana wondered if she should give her a call in a long time. Surely it's the most logical thing to do for anyone to inform their parents of something as serious as this. If only she could just get up and reach for the phone…

Where had she left it again, she's forgotten. Red orbs at last averted its attention from the bedroom entrance to scan the rest of her room in search of the device. Eventually, her gaze falls on the lone brick sitting on the nearby bedside table.

It's so close that if Kana could just at least extend one hand to reach for it, she'll surely have it in her grasp.

But again, her body refused to move a muscle. Faintly, she could hear her mind trying to encourage herself by emphasising how close it was and that she could get it and make a call to her mother right now — but she still didn't move an inch.

Without realising it, Kana felt her eyes sting and her vision started to get blurry. At that moment, she couldn't understand what was happening and didn't grasp the fact that she was crying. Because it didn't make sense, why would she be crying again, when there was nothing to provoke it.

The girl tried again, telling herself that she could tell her mother about what happened and then she would come back home for her daughter's sake — hug and comfort her like she used to back then.

The tears kept rolling down as Kana thought of what she wished– no, what would happen once she picks up the phone and makes the call. And it didn't stop there. Afterwards, Kana would easily get over what happened and her mother would smile at her, pat her on the head and tell her that she was doing a good job. Then– then– her father would come back as well, get back together with her mother and take them out to dinner to celebrate Kana’s victory in overcoming her traumatic experience.

They would be a happy family once more, and everything that had happened would simply be a thing of the past.

An unexpectedly loud sob abruptly escaped her and her chest jostled in surprise, causing her to feel a twinge of pain. From it, Kana finally remembered that she had planned to visit a doctor last night.

…Huh? A doctor? Why.. did she have to go to the doctor again? Sure she felt a bit sick but it wasn't like her condition was serious. Probably some light fever that would go away soon. That was all, nothing more.

No, it wasn't the doctor that she should go to; it was to Youtou High School. If she had recalled correctly, Kana had ironed her school uniform as early as yesterday morning because today was a school day and she would always prepare early. It was rare for her to skip school just to sleep in and do nothing. Kana should really get up and attend school today, she wouldn't want to get in trouble with the principal. There's that voice in the back of her head screaming at her to get up.

Yet her body just- wouldn't listen to her. This ravaged, worthless carcass just- can't- move, move, move .

Kana began hearing broken sobs but she couldn't comprehend where it was coming from or who it was making that noise. Even if she were to look for the source, she couldn’t. She didn't understand why everything was so blurry, she swore that she had good eyesight, and why her chest hurts so so much. Her whole body hurts now that she's thinking about it and she just wants the aching to stop.

“Mom…,” Kana unconsciously croaked out. “Mom, mom…”

Quietly, the girl would keep calling for her mother multiple times, like a child would, as if it would make her mother appear out of nowhere and take care of her, ease her agony. Then, a thought popped up in her head and cruelly pulled her back into reality.

Ah , the realisation hits her, mom won't come .

Her fingers curled in, pulling the bedsheets and Kana wanted to imagine the fabric was the clothes of her mother as she hugged her. Too bad the illusion had shattered and her eyes had been opened. She would've rather it be closed forever if it meant not confronting the ugly truth. It's true as they say; ignorance is bliss.

Because mother hates me, she hates me and so does everyone else.

Another piece of recollection flickered in her mind and it was of the night before. The time when Aqua had pushed and screamed at her to shut up, as he looked at her with that face filled with nothing but hatred and contempt. She could never forget the look he had in those eyes, forever etched into her memories and overlapping with the happy ones she had of him. It was as if he saw her as someone who had committed a crime, someone who had done something so horrible and who didn't deserve forgiveness or a second chance.

Kana wondered what exactly she had done to prompt all this loathing towards her. She wondered why she's so unloved and why she gives out love so easily to people who would only break her heart over and over again.

Her head throbbed. It pained her to think so she stopped, and just listened to the crying of some poor girl whom she doesn't recognise.

 

***

 

Kana hadn't realised she fell asleep until she blinked her eyes awake. Her eyes were bleary and she couldn't focus on her surroundings. Although, she could see that it was dark once again in her apartment. Huh, that's weird; she could've sworn she saw the morning sunlight last time. Could she have been sleeping the whole day, she pondered blankly.

Well, at least she finally got some shut eye but even though she's been resting for so long – from the looks of it – her form felt sluggish and she doesn't feel energised at all. On the other hand, Kana noticed that she wasn't shaking like a leaf from the cold anymore so that's good, she supposed.

At the sound of her grumbling stomach, Kana eventually recalled that she hadn't eaten anything yet since last night. Hence, she should probably get up to satisfy her hunger but she feels like she doesn't have the appetite at all. Nor the motivation to get out of bed, really.

Out of the blue, a morbid line of thought passed through her mind again, wondering how long she could live without food or water and if a day would be enough for her to starve to death.

Kana knows that she was exaggerating and being dramatic, like she always does but she couldn't help it. Deep down, there's a part of her that's scared of death but she shoved it deeper, giving the excuse that she doesn't have an appetite at the moment. A coda for her mind to chew on instead of her physical body that's begging for something to consume.

Thus, Kana continued to lay there in her bed. The sheets underneath her began to warm which made her feel uncomfortable and she wanted to move, turning to her other side at the very least. But she couldn't muster up the strength to. So she forced herself to endure it as she waited for sleep to overtake her.

 

***

 

As soon as she awoke, Kana felt extremely dizzy. She tried blinking the spots out from her eyes and once her vision was cleared, Kana had to take a moment to process what was happening.

The red head didn't feel the soft mattress of her bed embracing her anatomy anymore. Not only that, she felt oddly hot and sweaty. Her throat felt like it was on fire and the smell that invaded her nose was acidic. Eventually, Kana realised that she was in her bathroom, kneeling in front of the toilet. Just one glance inside the bowl made her understand that she had just finished emptying her stomach. Kana wondered how she's even able to throw up considering she hadn't eaten anything yet. That brings the question of why she's throwing up anyway, but she can't seem to come up with a reason.

Kana wondered what day it was today, if yesterday already passed and she wondered what happened yesterday or which yesterday it was. Her head ached so badly, as if someone had used her skull as a drum. She can't think straight or even understand where her train of thoughts were going. When she had vomited, had she also puked out her brain, Kana mused in a daze.

Not long, she stood up wobbly and flushed the toilet. Afterwards, she went to the sink just beside it and turned on the faucet.

Her mind was completely blank. Kana felt as if she was a passenger of her body and someone else had shifted into the driver's seat, as they moved her arms to clean her mouth and wash her face. She felt refreshed for once; the cold water seemed to do its job of keeping her up. Kana thought she might've never gotten out of bed if it wasn't for this unknown person taking the wheel. She should probably thank them for doing something so simple that even she couldn't do.

Maybe she should just leave it all to this person to handle her life from now on, she's too incompetent to keep herself alive anyway.

Her figure moved on its own as she stepped out from the bathroom and drifted over to the kitchenette. Silently, Kana watched as her body opened the fridge and took out a packaged omurice that she had bought from the convenience store the other day. As for which day it was, don't ask her as she can't seem to remember.

She brought the food to the table and took a seat but Kana wanted to tell the driver that it was supposed to be warmed up first in the microwave, but she let it go. Then, Kana began to eat. Slowly and almost hesitant, as she took a bite, then another, and stopped. Kana wanted to ask the driver, shouldn't she eat a little more, but she doesn't bother to. She continued to watch quietly as her body stood up to store back the unfinished food inside the fridge.

Kana continued to say nothing as the driver brought her body over to her bed to lay down once again, now staring blankly at the white of her ceiling.

It was impolite and outright offensive of her to order the person who pulled the strings and puppeteered the rotten cadaver that was her body around. Since Kana couldn't be useful for once, she had to depend and burden someone else to help her with completing the necessary tasks to continue on with her day to day life. She was just that; a burden. And she wanted to apologise and tell the driver to just leave her to die because there was simply no point in her living — but she didn't want to.

Due to fear, she didn't want to die and she needed the person in question so she could see another morrow. What a coward she was.

So she laid there. Grateful and shameless, knowing she'd live to see another futile and unproductive day. Living for the sake of living. Pathetically, until all she saw was black once more.

 

***

 

Kana was running in the rain as it mercilessly poured down on her. There was nothing ahead but an endless damp, flat pavement that goes on forever — nothing to shelter herself from god's wrath plummeting from the dark sky. She herself didn't even know where she was going but all she knew was that she had to keep running even if she also didn't know the reason why. Kana was running out of breath and she could see small clouds of oxygen forming with each exhale. Yet her legs refused to back down despite the fruitless exertion.

All of a sudden, another ear-piercing noise accompanied the harsh noise of countless droplets plunging onto the concrete. It almost sounded like an alarm, a warning to Kana of something unknown. The noise didn't seem to come from a certain direction but she could clearly hear it in her head.

It became louder and louder and Kana couldn't block it out as she closed her ears with both hands. It was until she saw something different ahead of her at last; a small little girl — drenched as she stood still in the rain as they made eye contact — was when she woke up to the annoying sound of what she could make out, ringing in her ears.

The noise sounded familiar this time, but she can't seem to wrap her head around what it could be. Kana could barely comprehend anything that's going on, especially after that strange dream she had, so she left it all to the driver once more as her body moved to grab whatever that was causing the noise and silence it with just a swipe of a finger.

Relieved of the disturbance, she felt herself being pulled back to sleep when another noise came to occupy the silence. This time around, it was short but sounded more complicated to the ear.

 

“Loli-senpai! Finally, you picked up! I've been calling you for a while now.”

 

Kana was a bit startled, she didn't expect to hear a voice. The girl hadn't heard anything of the like in a somewhat long time and considering she was still half asleep, she couldn't seem to understand what each word meant or if they really meant anything.

But that voice… she recognises that familiar tone. Before Kana could contemplate on it longer though, without thinking, she immediately blurred out, “...Ruby...?”

“Yes, it's me, duh. Did you already forget me or something? I know you haven't been going to school or practice for the past week but geez. Oh yeah, what's the deal with that anyway? Have you been sick, Loli-senpai? Why didn’t you tell me,” came the multitude of questions.

Currently, Kana was caught in a daze and her mind needed some time to fully wake up so everything Ruby had said over the phone completely flew past her head.

“No, wait, that's not the point! I'm calling to tell you to come to the– agency office… ehh, but– if you really are sick, then you can—”

“I’ll go there,” she finally responded and hung up immediately.

It was a mindless action and she didn't mean anything by it, nor did she entirely understand how rude it was to suddenly end the call without a goodbye.

In any case, Kana tardily picked herself up from the bed. Distantly, she was aware that she had to get ready and gather her mind together. If she were to get out of her house, she had to look presentable which meant that she had to take a shower. It was then that she wondered when was the last time she had bathed herself. Was it two or three days ago? Ruby said something about a week… had her driver made sure her hygiene was kept? Kana hadn't been paying attention to anything these last few days but considering she was still alive, it didn't really matter in the end. Right?

As she stepped into the bathroom, Kana was hesitant in taking off her clothes but she tried not to think about it too much. Her movements were slow but she managed to pull off her nightgown and undergarments with time. If she had winced with each slight touch of herself, she didn't notice.

The girl was about to open the glass door to the shower when she stopped, deciding to be in the bathtub instead. Kana turned on the faucet of the tub and waited for it to fill half before dipping in. She felt acute pain in her lower body as soon as she submerged herself but chose to ignore it. The water was ice cold on her skin but she couldn't find herself to care as she grabbed the loofah and soap and scrubbed, starting with her arms.

Being naked like this, she felt so exposed even when she knew she was in closed doors. Kana felt phantom hands touching, exploring all over her body and she wanted them gone, gone, gone. So when the hard texture of the sponge wasn't enough, she went ahead and scratched and scratched and scratched until she only felt pain scorching her delicate frame instead of hands that grab and break. The water on her raw skin felt agonising but the burning helped to take her mind off the sickening memory that hurt more.

Kana spotted red. Some of the water had turned a dark but faint crimson colour. At first, Kana thought her nails had dug too deep and tore through the tissue but it wasn't that. Her eyes trailed the flow down and saw that it led to and from her cunt.

She impulsively glanced towards the clothes laid beside the door and saw the dark smudges on her panties and gown that she failed to notice. Huh, Kana figured she must be in her period. Having lost track of time, she'd accept whatever that seemed more logical than the fact that she actually wasn't due until two weeks later or that it was the internal injury of her vagina that was causing the bleeding. Perhaps, she was having her period early — and unconsciously she wondered if she would've been left alone if it came way earlier. Should Kana be upset about that, she doesn't know. But what she does know was that the gut feeling of hers telling her that it wasn't her menstrual cycle and in truth, something inside her had tore that cursed night – was wrong.

The girl opposed the idea because tolerating it meant that she didn't deny what had really happened to her, and it didn't happen. Thus, she ignored the feeling, because it was false and nothing but lies. A bad dream.

She wore pads and not tampons, because having something inside her makes her sick.

Afterwards, Kana entered back into her room and picked out something out of her wardrobe without much thought. A black long sleeved sweater and blue jeans; it's a basic look but Kana could care less anyway. Later after she got dressed, her hand reached for the comb but she stopped herself.

What's the point of trying to look good? Who's she trying to impress? As a matter of fact, dolling herself up only led to the cause of her suffering.

 

‘What's a cute little girl doing in this dark and scary place all by herself?’

 

That was probably it. It must've been something that had to do with the way she dressed that night. Kana glared at the hats she had hung on the stand. Why should she even bother, does she think it makes her look iconic, special? Standing out only made her ask for trouble, not that she did.

Despite herself, her mind remembered the first B-komachi's live concert they had at the Japan Idol Festival. How Kana dimmed and lacked much support despite being the center of the group, and how the first white glow stick shone in the crowd…

Who was she even kidding, one of these delusions must've started again and she was so full of herself.

Nobody loves her, she had to remember that.

Kana merely walked past the hatstand and put on some boots. However, just as she was about to walk out the front door — Kana hesitated.

Without her say-so, thoughts ran wild in her mind as if she had opened Pandora's Box and all hell had run loose. The unknown possibilities she could encounter just beyond the door to her apartment was a mystery, and that terrified her greatly.

What if she'll run into them again, or someone else that wanted to hurt her as well? What if it started raining as soon as she exited the building, making it impossible for people to hear her cries for help? What would happen then? Would she be able to escape, or would she let them take what little of her that remained? Who would be able to save her the next time it happened, or would nobody else either? Would they just turn a blind eye to her perdition and leave her to die again? If nobody else but herself; if she ended herself right then, would she be able to save herself from—

 

“Kana!”

 

Her breath hitched in her throat as she snapped out of her Kafkaesque trance. The red head snapped her head up to be met with her agency members. Ruby, who was directly in front of her, had this curious look on her face whilst Miyako and Memcho shot each other concerned looks behind her.

Kana shortly glanced at her surroundings and realised that she was at the agency office, presently sitting on the couch — which she stopped unconsciously digging into the cushions once she finally registered her actions — but she couldn't quite recall how she got here. The last thing Kana remembered was holding the door handle to her apartment, and the moment she blinked, she was there.

“What’s wrong with you? You act as if you were being chased,” Ruby prompted, her voice slowly bleeding into worry.

Kana paled and panicked. No, she couldn't let them know. If they knew about what had happened, they'd think she was disgusting and kick her out of the group and they'd all leave her again. And when they do, it'll happen all over again.

“Loli-senpai, you don't look so good… Are you really sick?”

Kana managed a slight nod. “Y-yeah, but it's nothing really. I had a fever but it's gone now, so you don't have to worry.”

There was a short few seconds of silence after she spoke. Sweat had begun to form on her forehead as Kana thought her excuse wasn’t adequate enough but when she looked up, Ruby seemed to believe it pretty easily. So did Memcho and Miyako. As expected, nothing less from a talented actress such as herself. Should she be proud of that, what did it matter anyway, she brooded.

“Well then, do you think you can practice today?” Miyako asked, sounding almost sceptical but she wouldn't be able to sense anything amiss. She couldn't, not with the girl’s acting prowess.

“Of course,” Kana replied.

No one would ever know what had happened and she'll take the incident to the grave.

 

***

 

“Are you sure you wanna practise wearing… that, Kana-chan? Dontcha think it'd be super hot for you?”

Memcho voiced her concern when the trio was just about to get into position. The red head didn't turn but looked into the wall of mirrors to see the other’s face looking unsettled. Oh Mem, Kana mused fondly, she's always been so attentive to the group and it probably might be because she was the oldest member but Kana knows her genuinely kind and caring nature.

Kana recalled the time when she had left early to wallow in her sorrows alone until Memcho was the one who had followed after her, subsequently having to listen to her vent regarding something as ridiculous as getting ghosted by the boy she liked. Kana was terrible for forcing others to hear out her troubles and weighing them down with the burden.

She promised it'll never happen again. No one will have to know of her problems from then on. Kana swore she'll never tell a soul.

“Eh, I got used to wearing thick jackets in hot summers and bikinis in autumns; being in the entertainment industry and all,” Kana shrugged. “This is nothing new to me.”

Although the red head could see the doubt in her expression, she was glad the other didn't push. “If you say so…”

So then they began practising dance choreographies to either improve or sharpen their movements better so as to not forget the steps, because oh how embarrassing it would be if they had accidentally mistook even a single part during a live concert. It'd turn into a complete disaster. Speaking of disasters, Kana thought that if she kept on going like this; it would undoubtedly turn into one.

The girl felt like her body was on fire, especially the lower half — but not because of her full coverage clothing, well, maybe a little. Mainly, it was because of the soreness in her joints and it was perhaps due to her constant inactivity since the past few days suddenly being forced into doing extreme motions. Kana pondered that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to lay down in bed all day.

To top it all off, her anatomy still hadn't recovered from the abuse it withstood. It was raw and too recent, there was simply no sufficient time for her to heal. Not that Kana had any hope of recovering anytime soon. The journey seemed absolutely impossible.

Then and there, just as Kana remembered that she never got to check in with a doctor, she accidentally slipped and fell after a specific twirl in the middle of the song. It was as if it was planned, on cue; even though she tried her best to ignore the pain the whole time. Kana just kept falling and falling over and over. That part of her will never change, it seemed. Arima Kana was a girl who was always destined for failure. It was simply written in the cards by the universe itself. As observed in her past acting days, that unforgettable rainy evening, and now. What was the point of trying anymore, if that was the case, Kana pondered.

 

Then it happened.

 

In the corner of her eye, she spotted the shadow of hands reaching out to her. Hands . Hands that would grab and take whatever they wanted and do with her however they pleased. Hands of that night. Hands that had returned to destroy and leave none of her remains for good. She had to get far, far away. Eyes blown wide, her jaw dropped open and she recoiled back with a scream, pitifully desperate to crawl backwards and away from those hands that would've laid a finger on her if she hadn't.

Dark figures loomed over her, casting tall shadows which had entirely engulfed her tiny and vulnerable form. Her heart dropped to her stomach, and Kana thought– no, she knew it was happening again. And she'd be powerless to stop it, just like back then.

Kana could hear faint voices smothered by thunderstorms, could smell acidic rain and sweet chemicals. She could feel the freezing cold and eager hands crawling underneath her skin. And she was dying, dying, dying as those claws dug deeper and wouldn't stop at nothing until they reached her very core and pulled out the soul from its body. Leaving all but a corpse to decay in their wake.

It was when the two figures unexpectedly shrunk down to her level did she relearned to breathe. Illusions of a nightmare that had earlier been dancing in her vision disappeared as Kana was finally brought back into the present. There, it had no strangers with harmful intentions but her friends; familiar faces painted with alarm and worry towards her. Kana knew them, and knew they weren't going to hurt her.

 

She was relieved.

 

“What’s wrong, Loli-sen– I mean, Kana?”

“Kana-chan, are you okay? What happened?”

Ah, they must've been so confused why their normally calm but short-tempered friend suddenly lost herself and behaved as if she had seen a ghost.

Kana chuckled falsely. “No, no, I'm fine! I just thought I saw a giant spider on the wall but– it looks like it was nothing after all.”

Forcing the corner of her lips into an upturn, she displayed a smile. She keeps her eyes closed so that she won't have to hold eye-contact with the other two, no doubt the judgement in their gazes. To scrutinize and unravel the carefully woven web of lies that she had created. Especially Ruby’s, Kana noticed, lately she felt an oddly ominous aura surrounding the girl and albeit not able to see it, the red head could almost sense a deep vortex of emptiness in those eyes.

“Are you sure? You look pretty unstable right now,” the person in question pointed out. Peeking slightly from her eyelids, Kana could still feel herself being pulled in just by staring at those pink-ish red orbs – even for a second longer. But she couldn't quite put her finger on it. And she felt overwhelmed.

“If you’re feeling unwell, Kana-chan, then maybe you should go home and get some rest—”

“No, I can do it,” Kana rushed to say, picking herself up from the ground.

 

The girl did not wait to regain her strength and hurriedly directed her damaged figure, pulling herself up. She felt heavy, as if she had suddenly weighed a hundred pounds.

 

Yet she forced herself, paying no heed to the pricking feeling in her legs as she stood up on both feet. Kana avoided the gazes of her friends burning into the side of her head as she prepared herself for the next dance. She had to be pressured to, lest she stayed as an empty and useless shell of a girl she was once supposed to be. Unfortunately, things more often than not didn't go the way she wanted.

As if the first fall was a trigger; it became a catalyst to continuous accidents and mistakes brought about afterwards. Somewhat similar to a dominos effect. And they had to start over again.

“Sorry, I didn't mean that…”

The red head pushed her limbs to move and exerted every ounce of energy it could offer, even as her body grew restless and begging to be relieved of the agonising torture forced onto her by herself. Which inevitably led to more errors being made.

“I’ll do better next time.”

Because of her repeated blunders, the group had to redo the whole song all over again. Kana, personally, had lost count on how many times they had to restart due to her incompetence. Ruby and Memcho had also continuously offered to end their practice early but Kana denied each and every one.

“I said I'm fine.”

In the end, they stopped their session before their schedule ended some time afterwards and Kana knew she was the one to blame. The girl could only hang her head low in guilt as they stepped out of the dance practice room. She wondered if they blamed her as well, if they hated her for being a burden and wasting their time with her incessant slip-ups.

“I’m sorry,” she started, “I should've stopped and listened to you two the first time. What an idiot I am.” Kana huffed in laughter at her last sentence, as if trying to make light of her otherwise depressing statement. Her words were all too familiar in her ears, as if she had heard herself saying the same thing ad nauseam in her head.

 

‘I’m stupid so I didn't realise it at all. I'm sorry, Aqua.’

 

What could they be thinking right now, Kana pondered. Could they be thinking about whether or not to execrate her as she deserved, or could it be about kicking her out of the group and leaving her so she wouldn't be a bother to them again? Either way, it'd be entirely her fault and she was the one who brought this upon herself. Just as she was expecting a negative reaction, she hadn't expected to hear what she heard next.

“It’s all good, Kana-chan! We understand, you're just not in a good shape right now. Everybody gets that sometimes!”

Kana snapped her head up to be met with unrestrained, smiling faces towards her. As if showing kindness comes naturally to them, they let her free even with a gift of reassurance when she should've been locked inside a prison of her mind filled with infinite torment.

Then it clicked. Of course, her friends were amazing people. Too nice to be mean to someone like her who all but technically asked for it. Kana was the cruel one here, to have placed her petty belief unto them when she knew they were nothing of the sort. All because she had experienced a little abuse.

“You just go and rest well, ‘kay?” Memcho encouraged with a soft look in her eyes.

 

Kana was horrible.

 

Unlike her friends, Kana was a nasty and loathful menace to society who had a terrible personality and she should be abhorred for seeing the bad which was nonexistent in their person. Unlike her, they had hopes and dreams they wished to achieve and made their endeavours for it while she, on the other hand, almost took their hard work away from them. The lone girl just didn't fit in, didn't match their harmony because she was long tainted. Kana was just a sore thumb among them — and she had the audacity to call herself their friend when she had been nothing but awful to them all this time.

Speechless, she had nothing to say. No more points of argument on her tongue so she simply nodded. Kana didn't deserve the two.

When they had stepped back into the living room, Miyako came to greet them. Ruby proceeded to tell her that they decided to end their practice early but didn't say the reason why. Although, when Kana had accidentally met the older woman’s eyes, the girl could feel as if she already knew. The worry was obvious in her gaze, yet Kana pretended she was oblivious. Luckily for her, Miyako didn't push and only followed the group to see Mem and she off.

Before the two walked out the door though, Ruby called out in time, “oh, Loli-senpai! I almost forgot.”

The girl hurried over to a room and not long after, came back with something in hand. “Here,” she handed out, "Onii-chan told me to give this back to you.” In her hand, Kana spotted something that looked familiar. Something she hadn't seen for some time.

An umbrella. Her umbrella. It was unmistakably hers; a transparent white adorned with cat stickers. The very umbrella that she had left in Aqua’s care, sacrificing her own little shelter that rainy night. That same night she had also sacrificed her own life.

“He said he couldn't give it back to you himself because he was busy with his acting jobs and was afraid he won't have the time to,” Ruby continued on — but Kana could barely hear her talk. Memories of that fateful evening arised unbidden. She was brought back to that vacant park, back to that unrecognisable area and back to that dingy alleyway. Where she had been debased and violated countlessly by those men whose faces she could never forget. Everyday, she would see mental images of their mugshots and the unspeakable things they had done to her fragile body. The bruises and mars on her skin that were steadily fading away, that soon would leave no mark left to be seen, could still be found by her eyes. Not there but always is, haunting her waking days and in her sleep. Nightmares that won't simply be chased away with a bedtime story — a dark stain on a white t-shirt. No matter where she looked, Kana would never find an escape. Unless…

 

“...Kana?”

 

The girl in question was interrupted out of her thoughts and she eventually looked up from where she's been intently staring at the umbrella unmoving the whole time. And she met her friend; different but one she still knew all the same.

Ruby’s tone of voice and overall demeanor had notably changed a bit as well, now that Kana really thought about it. The pure and lively girl she once knew had currently appeared as someone who somehow seemed less sincere and innocent as she stands. Her usually upbeat and bubbly tone of voice showing her carefree personality was replaced with a hint of exasperation, as if she had partake in her idol activities because she was forced to and not because she willingly enjoyed it. Actually, Aqua changed somewhat the same way too. Of course, they wouldn't be called twins if they weren't alike in some way.

In spite of that however, as they're face to face with each other at that moment, Kana could slightly distinguish that former integrity returning in those eyes as her expression laced with utter concern. To tell the truth, Kana missed seeing that same moral honesty her precious friend used to carry.

“But, um, I apologise on his behalf. I'm sorry that my stupid big bro forgot his manners, Loli-senpai. Don't worry, I'll make sure to scold him about this!” She added; an attempt to cheer her up which Kana wholeheartedly appreciated.

“No need for that. Thank you, Ruby,” she said with a rueful grin as she reluctantly took the umbrella from the other’s hands.

Then they said their goodbyes as Kana and Memcho left the building. Even then, she tried her best to forget the unwanted recollection of events now plaguing her mind. She didn't even realise someone was calling out to her until she felt a light tap on her shoulder — and she couldn't stop the flinch that resulted from the sudden touch. Unfortunately, Kana could see that her action hadn't gone unnoticed by her friend who had regret flashing across her face.

“Ah, sorry. Did I scare you, Kana-chan?” Memcho sheepishly asked and the red head knew that she must have had something on her face for the other to be fidgeting anxiously with her fingers.

“Not at all, I was just– distracted for a moment,” Kana cleared her throat as she averted her gaze. “Did you have something to say, Memcho?”

The older one halted for a minute, a tone of hesitation opaque in her voice. “Right, uhm… I just wanted to ask if you'd be okay with me sending you home? Like last time?”

Kana’s eyes widened at the unexpected offer and Memcho added in a hurry, “just wanna make sure my friend gets home safely! That's the job of an adult, after all! Haha~”

Although the other said that, the girl knew that she was only looking out for her as she always did. Kana couldn't help but feel her freezing heart warm slightly to the thoughtful gesture. One she knew she shouldn't be so well treated to.

“I’d very much appreciate it.”

 

The walk with Memcho was almost awkward. It was weird, since they were close friends and Kana could even say that there was never a dull moment with the older one around. However, that evening, the two had been completely silent and no one took the initiative to start a conversation.

Well, to be more exact, before it went that way, Memcho was actually the one who had tried to talk first. She had asked about what really happened earlier while they were practicing but Kana was quick to shrug it off as her ‘not feeling too well’ again. But she pushed.

Memcho proceeded to point out that she feels like it couldn’t be that with the way she acted and Kana wanted to say; who cares what you feel, mind your own business , but she only repeated her reason.

There was a moment of quietude, a calm before the storm, until Memcho asked if Kana was hiding something from her.

So what, Kana thought to herself, what if she was indeed keeping some secrets of hers from other people — was that so wrong? Did she have to tell the other everything that she did and saw every single day? Would she need to shout from the rooftops and tell the whole world the same? And what of her biggest, darkest secret?

Of the defilement done on her that night? The way she was torn apart and humiliated, snatching away any dignity that she had left? Did Memcho also wanted those itsy bitsy details? Because Kana could recount it all. She remembered each and every step of the agonising torture that she was put through; forever burned into the back of her mind and forever reliving it in her slumbers. Did she want to know how much Kana wished and the things that she's willing to do just for it to end?

Kana simply denied her question but the other kept pushing and pushing and pushing . The red head was already unstable enough as is. How dare she stick her nose where it doesn't belong and countered the girl's responses as if she knew everything about her. Why couldn't she just stop and leave her alone when it was clear as day the discomfort and unwillingness in her expression?

 

No, she pleaded, yet that was the only thing she could do.

 

So when Memcho suddenly brought up Aqua, and asked if it was about him again — she snapped.

“ SHUT UP! If I said no, then it's a no! Why doesn't anybody fucking listen to me!!”

The girl yelled at her friend, who was solely trying to help. Kana watched as the shock and hurt passed over the other’s usually cheerful and non-serious countenance, knowing full well that she was the cause of it. And Kana felt like she wanted to wither and die, more than she already was.

That was the last thing spoken between them before they fell into a strained silence. Not a peep from their mouths and they even hold their breath at times, fearing that the sound of their inhales and exhales were too loud. They stayed like that all the way to Kana’s apartment. The red head might've thought that Memcho would want to change her mind and leave her on her own but she was still stuck beside Kana. At any rate, she was too nervous to ask.

Soon, as they arrived at Kana's personal destination, the girl turned around and gave Memcho a tight smile, avoiding eye contact.

“Thank you, Mem… and I'm sorry,” Kana spoke, her voice heavy with shame.

The other sighed softly. “I’m sorry too, Kana-chan. It wasn't my place to ask,” Memcho returned with a sad and shameful grin of her own.

No, Kana wanted to say, you shouldn't apologise . It was Kana’s fault for losing her patience when all the other did was making sure she was alright. It's just like back then, she muses, the way she cursed others and chased them out of her life. Kana wanted to apologise more, to bow down to her knees before Memcho’s feet and beg for forgiveness that she knows won't be granted. Not for her . Yet, the girl only nodded her head and exchanged farewells with the other.

Once she had stepped into her apartment and Memcho had left shortly afterwards, Kana froze as soon as the door shut closed behind her. She didn't realise she was holding the umbrella in a death grip relentlessly along the way since earlier until her hand trembled from the abrupt heightened shift in compulsion; as her irritation grew with each second that passed. The umbrella should've broken, if her physical fitness had been stronger.

The memories of a certain person that came out of nowhere playing through her mind like a slideshow helped to compose herself not one slightest bit. Him assisting her in shining on stage, him inviting her to skip school and play catch, him acting as someone else to communicate with her again, him being the first to support her, him going shopping with her and reserved a table just for the two of them and just them arguing playfully.

But then — him dating another girl, him making her get mixed signals, him now straight up avoiding her, him giving her hope only to break her heart over and over again. Him pushing her away and left her to get eaten by the wolves, to be mauled alive until all that's left were bones and blood.

And he couldn't even bother to give her umbrella back himself.

Kana yelled and released the pent-up anger that she had been unknowingly bottling up ever since that night, believe it or not. It echoed in the walls of her room that began to feel cramped, caving her in and she wanted some space. She wanted to feel free, something she'll never feel again or perhaps something she never felt. All she felt was how confined and small the room was and she was going to be crushed soon, she just knew it.

So she fought back first. Swinging the umbrella in her hands, Kana knocked over whatever was nearby. Regardless of the damage it's causing to her belongings, she's too filled with the indescribable feeling of wrath and dejection to really care. Her hat stand was knocked over, as well as the books and manga she kept stored on the shelves, paintings and her favourite decorations — they had all fallen to the floor unceremoniously. Some had stayed intact and some had broken and crashed. It caused a ruckus but she couldn't hear it over the sound of her blood pumping in her ears. Finally, after blindly hitting what she could, the girl instantly threw the umbrella to the ground and stomped on it with no hesitation.

“Fuck you, Aqua! I hate you!!” She shouted at the top of her lungs.

Just then did she realise that the name slipped from her tongue and she wanted nothing more but to wash her mouth out with soap. That cursed name, she swore she'll never say it ever again; not even something that sounded close to it. As if it was a profanity, she'd treat it as so nonetheless.

And Kana was a fool to have used and called it at her lowest. She never should've learned his name in the first place.

Kana grit her teeth as she continued to take out all her aggression unto the harmless object, screaming at it as if it was the cause of her misfortune. “You stupid fucking— idiot!”

Accidentally, the umbrella handle rolled over, causing her to lose her footing and she tripped on herself. Her knees and palms scraped as it hit the wooden floor, and she could merely sit trembling with her fractured heart clenched and her breathing in short, sharp intakes.

When she saw a tiny drop of water plummeting and leaving a slightly darker shade of the wood below her, Kana shuddered in despair as she realised a familiar reaction; which included the growing dampness on her face. A skill she used to have an advantage of now disobeying her without her will. Everything seems to be out of her control now, just when she thought she had her life together. Kana couldn't handle it anymore — and the dam broke alas.

The pot boiled over and spilled. Like someone had opened the faucet to her eyes, the tears kept on flowing down her cheeks and left to gather under her chin no matter how many times she tried rubbing and wiping them away. Anger made way for sadness and the feeling of contempt for a certain someone swiftly faded away. Because she's entirely aware that it wasn't him to blame for what had happened.

It was all Kana’s fault, of course. Hers and hers only. She should've known how wrong it was to frame others; just to be petty. But Kana had always been childish, hadn't she? Even now, she's wishing for somebody to come to her pity party so they could comfort her. Something she didn't deserve, and something she shouldn't involve others with. Grow up already , the girl scolded herself in frustration.

She had neither the motivation to change her clothes nor to properly get into bed so she remained on the cold, hard floor in the puddle of her misery. That night, Kana let the sound of her sobs lull her as she cried herself to sleep.

Notes:

WOOHOO!! Another chapter done! I'm usually not this motivated or quick with writing and updates but your comments on the last chapter made me excited to finish this book already! Also, this chapter was supposed to be cut into two chapters which was when Kana was still in her house, wallowing in depression and the other when she actually gets out and meet the gang but I felt like the first part was too short to be a single chapter so I combined it with the latter! Hopefully it's not too long though? I might take a little break after this bcs I'm curently in my exam season and have been feeling p tired these last few days buuuttt i'll be sure to update as much as I can!

Chapter 3: Missing Documents

Notes:

This chapter presents the wrong use of medications and S/H. Please be mindful of that!!

Kana woke up feeling sore all over and her eyes puffy, a common occurrence that she kept finding herself in the moment she woke up lately. Although, perhaps this time her body felt more stiff and eyes more swollen due to falling asleep on the rock solid floor after she cried her heart out last night.

Glancing around, she took in the sight of her room. Coats and hats were strewn across the floor, most books scattered off the shelves, small decorative plants and other decorations had also fallen to the ground. Everything near her was a complete mess, just as she was. As for cleaning, she didn't even know where to start — not that she had the motivation to right now.

So instead, Kana forced herself to stand up and brought her body over to the bathroom. Her head spun when she picked herself up. She felt nauseous. She tried to hold it in because Kana really didn't feel like vomiting so early in the morning. It's come to her attention that she hadn't bathed since yesterday before B-komachi's dance practice considering she passed out as soon as she got home, and she probably stinked with sweat.

As she slowly took off her clothes, she checked to see her pad stained a deep red – Kana thinks nothing of it. An itch made itself known in a vulgar area of her crotch but she held her hand from scratching it, scared to touch that certain spot even though it was her own body. Hence, she ignored the irritation underneath the skin of her cunt — begging to be satisfied with at least a small rub which she couldn't grant — and dipped into the bathtub. It would be better if she didn't disturb that place anyway. Others had advised plenty against scratching your skin just because it felt itchy. It was still bleeding, too. Even more gross.

Faintly, Kana felt phantom hands crawling all over her body, leaving no skin untouched. She closed her eyes shut. She continued to scrub using the loofah but when that wasn't enough; with her nails, she dug into the first layer of her arms and legs, uncare if she tore through the soft flesh. On second thought, screw what people said about scratching yourself. What did it matter the harm she'll inflict on her body when it's already been damaged beyond repair? Soon, those feelings disappear, the hands gone. The only thing left behind were pink-ish red lines stretching across her limbs. As she looked down upon her work, an idea sparked at the back of her mind and she thought, was it enough? Kana shrugged it off.

Later, she finished her bath and got out of the bathroom. Her eyes glanced over at the clock. 7:32. It was still early and she had time to get ready for school. Plus, she hadn't been attending school for the past whole week! It's high time she returns to her studies before she gets a strike, or even worse, expelled.

What's the point, said a small voice in her head. Maybe they're right, it's not like she had any real friends there. In fact, they would talk and gossip about her behind her back, thinking she couldn't hear them. Or perhaps maybe they didn't care if she heard anyway. They were all just more people who hated her. No one really tried nor wanted to be close to her, or even know her. She knows they think she's annoying whenever she approaches them. A girl like her never actually did fit in, did she?

Kana shakes her head. No , she refused to listen to that voice again. She was going to finally do something productive no matter what. Arima Kana was a strong girl, she had overcome a lot of obstacles throughout her life. Namely, the bashing of social media, her family's conflict, the destruction of a manga adaptation that she saved. It was her who raised on both feet despite falling again and again.

…But then again, it was only because she received help from other people. And if she hadn't received help, she'd run away and hide. From the eyes of society, from her mother's disappointment. Like a coward. And when she did get help — a boy’s face flickered in her mind.

“Shut up.” Kana uttered, and everything was quiet once more. Good riddance.

Pretending to never have heard the thoughts, Kana changed into the school uniform she distantly remembered having ironed the day before the start of last week. Her sense of time was jumbled together and even the concept of dates confused her, she herself didn't know if she actually got the chronological order right or not. Oh well.

After wearing her white socks and fixing her bow last, Kana passed the hat stand without paying any heed to it as if it didn't exist and grabbed her school backpack before going ahead to the front door. She slipped on her brown dress shoes and just as she was about to turn the knob, she hesitated.

Her teeth began to chatter and her fingers trembled as it rested on the flat steel. There she goes again, getting afraid over nothing. She almost acted as if an apocalypse befell the outside world and there were monsters on the other side of the door. Waiting, anticipating, for her to exit her home and devour her whole the moment she does.

She took a deep breath and brushed off those thoughts. What a wild imagination, how ridiculous.

With a rush, the red head opened the door. And she stopped for a moment, gazing at the pastel blue of the sky and the rays of sunrise shooting from the end of the horizon, giving way to morning. It was a clear day, with little clouds occupying the earth’s ceiling. Even then, they were pure white and looked as light as a feather. And there was no one in sight.

See , she let out the breath she didn’t know she had held in, there wasn't a drop of water from the sky. The clouds weren't at all burdened with keeping the peace between cats and dogs and most importantly, there were no such monsters.

No scents of fake sweetness. No degrading comments. No hands that hurt.

She was safe. The storm had passed and there were clear skies ahead. Plus, if she still wasn't sure, there's no doubt she'll be safer once she gets to school. After all, school is a place that keeps its students from danger of the cruel, outside world – a secure space, although many do not realise it. She was almost there and all she had to do was take that step forward.

There was no time to get cold feet now.

Nevertheless, as she progressively made her way to school, Kana couldn't seem to chase away the paranoia that's steadily enveloping her mind. The unwelcome thoughts that came with it, questions of possible threats lurking around every corner she took and waiting to ambush her when she least expected it.

A drop of sweat trickled down her forehead and she tightly gripped both straps of her backpack as her eyes darted in every direction. Her heart was practically beating out of her chest with each leaping step she took. It got worse when she saw figures – people – walking around and going about their day. Something she used to see normally and perhaps some she roughly knew by short, polite greetings, now it was something she was cautious and avoidant of. Even a harmless dog that passed by a little closely got her flinching away. Her breath was uneven and lungs, out of oxygen as if she had just run a marathon. She must look crazy to them, the girl thought. Well, they looked dangerous to her — or at least, that's what her senses kept telling her.

Kana couldn't bear to be around strangers for another minute. She knew she'd actually go batshit crazy like yesterday when she'd gone outside for the first time in a week because she was summoned to the agency for her consecutive absence. As a matter of fact, what did happen between the time when Kana was about to open the door of her apartment, to when she was sitting on a sofa at the agency in the middle of getting yelled at by Ruby?

No matter. She didn't have time to fill in the holes with answers missing from her memory. Right now, she was worrying about using a shortcut to get to school faster as she was nearing a fork up ahead.

A shortcut; quick and easy, always the better choice. But if one really thought about it, it's actually far from being easy. It's a shortcut, after all. It's not exactly known to be the safest option albeit being desirable to most due to its effectiveness in getting to one’s intended location within a short amount of time. To exchange the slow road for a swifter one, one would have to take the risk and brace for danger. It would be worth it, she thinks, once she got through the nightmare of an unknown and dangerous pathway; she'd be safe at school, surely.

Yet it was precisely a shortcut that had cost her her life that day, and the cause of her suffering beyond death. Was she really about to make the same mistake again, and risk the chance of bumping into those people–no, monsters like that accursed night again? Kana would inevitably be digging her own grave, and she'd have no one to blame but herself.

The two divided roads looked like heaven and hell, except that the both could be disguised to trick the mind — and she was afraid that she'd have no time left to discern which was the right option and neither could she stop her giant steps forward nor her uncomposed heartbeat. So, in an impulsive haste, she made a sharp left which was the longer way.

She looks around. There wasn't a single soul in sight. It was quiet. Perhaps too quiet. Even though she was alone, she felt eyes on her. Then all of a sudden, it was too much.

Power walking shifted to a full sprint and Kana found herself running. Why was she running? What's going on? Was there something trailing behind her? She didn't have it in herself to turn around and check. Her heart was practically bursting out of her chest and her lungs felt as if they were about to deflate. Her gut was screaming at her: They're back! They're going to break you apart again! Run, run, run! Don't let them catch you!

And is it not true that people would always advise you to follow your gut? When you feel like you're being watched, that is the truth? They would say that these signals came from a divine being — a guardian — to warn and to keep you safe against things unknown to the human senses.

Well!

Where was this guardian that rainy night? Where was it, when she had stepped into that dingy and hellhole of an alleyway? No, even before that. Where was it when she was on her way to approach her friend who was drenched in the rain and hunched over on the bench, and why hadn't it told her that it was a bad idea to be comforting him; that he would possibly attack her and that she'd be further going down into the depths of hell?

Oh, but here it is now. Ever vexatious and bothersome, stirring the boiling unwelcome paranoia in the pot of her mind.

Why was she even listening to it — Kana gasped, desperate for air as her stamina gradually depleted — why was she so trusting of it in the first place? No. It wasn't that, after all. It was the fear of being hunted down to be brought there again. To downgrading sneers, and to hands that rip, tore at her insides.

No, no, she pleaded, please tell me it's not real. No one is here, please just shut up.

But then she heard it. Behind her. Footsteps. Not slow, quick. She could hear every click of the heels as it was coming towards her. Towards her .

This was it. They came back. She was going to die again. She was going to–

“Loli-senpai, wait up!”

It was then when she heard a familiar voice, that she halted both her feet to a stop. Kana snapped her head back, to search for the owner of that familiar voice.

The girl was met by another, who was jogging up to her with a waving hand and a bright smile on her face. Said another was a girl with long blonde and golden-like hair, half tied to the side, and sparkling eyes as red as rubies. Of course, it was Ruby! Such familiar characteristics were comforting to see when Kana felt as though the world around her had completely changed and that she had been transported to another planet overnight.

The other girl stopped in front of her. “Gee, you look out of breath. Why the hurry, Loli-senpai? It's not like it's that late. Me and my bro always go to school around this time and we've never been caught before! …Except for that one time but that's only because I had to stop by a shop, ‘cause there was this cute..— and I needed to..—”

Ruby chatted animatedly before her, and Kana couldn't help but finally feel at ease. Who knew letting one’s guard down could be so calming? Finally, she could compose herself and soothe her triggered heart. Oxygen seemed much easier to take in and she felt… safe.

“—Loli-senpai..? What's wrong? You look a bit… shaken,” Ruby prompted, her tone slightly lowering to a softer pitch.

Kana stared and noticed a small crease in her brow. Could Ruby still be concerned about what happened yesterday? Well, the redhead did make quite the scene. How embarrassing! Kana averted her gaze away nervously as she swept a thin sheen of sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand.

“No, it's nothing. I just–”

As her eyes wandered elsewhere, it landed on a taller figure approaching from behind the other girl. It didn't take Kana long to recognise that it was Aqua. Accidentally, his eyes crossed hers and she immediately shifted her attention back to Ruby. “Yeah, I just never have actually been not early to school before so I'm a bit worried if I was late, that's all,” she blurted out.

Kana was about to turn on her heels and continue on her way, before she’d have to face a certain guy, when she discovered that she was numbed to her spot. Deep inside her mind, she knew it was because she simply refused to go alone and preferred to be in the company of someone she knew. Her walk with Memcho yesterday evening opened her eyes, made her realise that she wanted– no, needed someone to be by her side when she stepped out of the confines of her apartment. Like a scared child needing a nightlight when the lights go off for bedtime.

The only problem she had was the other’s twin brother. Did they always have to walk to school together? Why not separately so Kana wouldn't have to be reminded of a distant memory every time she sees his face!

“I see…” Ruby nodded slowly, clearly sensing that something was odd but chose to shrug it off, “well, hold on a minute, let's walk to school together! It's not often I get to see you these days.” And words cannot describe how happy Kana was to hear that from the other girl’s mouth. Unfortunately, that joy was cut short when the blondie turned and gestured for the boy behind her to catch up.

Despite herself, Kana glanced at him as he was nearing the two. His face was scrunched up in discomfort and his posture looked awkward. Not to mention that he was completely and almost patently avoiding her gaze. He looked like he didn't want to be here, in the presence of the redhead. It was a clear contrast to when she had seen a blank slate that was his countenance earlier, the one he usually wears. Needless to say, Aqua was bothered and it didn't take a genius to connect that the girl was the very factor. Kana turned away as her heart ached at the sight, what was she really expecting to see anyway?

“Come on, let's get going then,” Kana urged, not wanting to spend another minute drowning in nightmarish thoughts.

“Arima,” he started.

Her breath hitched and her eyes widened at the sound. It's been a while since she heard that gentle, low-pitched voice of his. The last time she heard it was when—

 

“Shut up!” he yelled out, a slight crack in his utterance, as his hand violently flew towards her before she could even react.

 

She instantly shut her eyes closed at the memory. No longer was it the voice she once remembered, she once turned to with delight and adornment and a brimming hope within her chest. Now, it was nothing but a stranger to her. Inconsistent and unable was she to predict whether the vocals could be passed as a friend or a foe. Truthfully, she was scared. Was he going to hurt her again? Kana wondered if she should apologise and beg for him to pardon her stupidity likewise that night.

However, her words died in her throat when he spoke again, “...I’m sorry.”

Oh? Oh..?

Sorry? Did he just apologise ? To her ?

That was all he said. No further elaboration to what exactly he was apologising for. Although, for someone else — mainly Ruby — it would seem that he was apologising for the umbrella which he had delayed its return and also which he was unable to do so properly. But Kana knew it was more than that. They both knew.

Man, she could laugh. She could really laugh! In a hysteric type of way, too. The girl could've been chortling, howling, bust a gut and split her sides until she rolls over and dies while the whole neighborhood hears the precise moment she stopped laughing. Yet she didn't. Because it wasn't really funny, to be honest. Like a failed attempt at a joke. That was all it was. An irony fell flat.

Kana clenched her teeth, did he really think that a measly, half-assed ‘sorry’ was going to cut it? Breaking news, it won't — because his ‘sorry’ couldn't solve the problem; his ‘sorry’ couldn't chase away the nightmares plaguing her slumbers every night; his ‘sorry’ couldn't undo the pain she went through and his ‘sorry’ sure as hell couldn't bring back the life she lost.

But she had forgotten; it wasn't his fault. It was hers, Kana released her stiff jaw, only she was to blame. So she doesn't accept the apology for what was done to her that night, because it wasn't called for. Not from him.

And perhaps, he didn't really mean it and that he was forced into apologising after Ruby scolded him yesterday as she said she would. Imagine having to profess guilt to someone you resent, Aqua must have a lot of patience to commit to it to fulfil his sister's request. He'd always been such a siscon, hadn't he? Though Kana wouldn't know, because she doesn't know who he was anymore.

Without looking back still, she gave her answer. “It’s fine. Just an umbrella.”

 

***

 

Until now, Kana had always been early to school and she assumed the twins were always a bit later so that's why they never crossed paths on their way before. That’s why, now, she always seemed to bump into them every morning on a school day and then they ended up walking together.

It wasn't mutual planning, either. Kana had been leaving her home late even when she had already gotten ready in complete uniform. When asked, she'd pressed that it were mere coincidences or that her alarm was broken or she was caught up with something in the morning. Howbeit, it wasn't anything like that. Kana had been doing it purposely just so she could walk with them, so she wouldn't walk alone. She never admitted to it, and never did she once request Ruby to wait for her. Although that one time, Kana had been occupied with something else and hadn't noticed that more than a few minutes passed by the time she was supposed to exit her home to catch the twins on the way to school. At that point, she scrambled out her door and ran as if her life depended on it — thinking that they might've gone already and she missed them. Thankfully, and surprisingly, Kana spotted the two standing at the same road they always bump into each other. Ruby confessed that they decided to wait for her since she was getting used to walking with their senior every morning. Kana couldn't help but feel indebted for the other’s thoughtfulness.

Three and a half weeks had elapsed since then, and it's become a routine now; Kana joining the twins together on their way to school. Oftentimes, she pondered, if she had been a bother to them. If she had been an interruption ruining their normal schedule and if she was selfish for making it into a habit. Although they don't seem to mind it — particularly Ruby — the redhead was sure the other twin was hiding his real opinion about it.

Aqua hated her, after all.

She could see it in the way his face formed into a wince for a short couple of seconds whenever she met with them, before smoothing out into something forcibly neutral. She could see it in the way he looked straight ahead, utterly avoiding looking at her direction. She could see it in the way he kept his distance, always a few steps ahead, a few steps back or even beside Ruby; the opposite side of where Kana stood.

To him, Kana must've been nothing but a leech. Disgusting, slimy and a fucking slut to be sticking onto them desperately. Just like how she was that rainy night. Seeking him in the darkness when the weather’s wet like a bitch in heat .

But she needs them and can't they see that? If they weren't accompanying her, if she were to be left alone, she feared that the same thing would happen to her all over again. And she swore she didn't want that, she never wanted it and didn't anybody understand? All she wanted, wished for, was for someone to be her saviour.

 

“Save me, Aqua! Pl-please help!! Aqua, please–!!!”

 

Maybe it was too much to ask for. Who would want to be in her aid, when she's beyond saving? It was a foolish request.

Kana could only hope she wasn't causing them too much trouble and also tried to make her presence as little and insignificant as possible — even more than she usually was — so as to make herself seem as if she was never really there or never really existed at all. That would be best. The redhead never initiated a conversation and never eavesdropped so by chance they were discussing about her person, and how terrible and annoying and stupid she was, she didn't hear it nor could she hold them accountable. In fact, she'd agree with them on that.

But of course, Ruby is such a social butterfly that she always speaks to Kana every single day, even when they only converse about trivial matters and the fact that Ruby is mostly the one doing all the talking. Regardless, Kana appreciated the attention when the other didn't have to — and when she was far from deserving the acknowledgement. It's bad enough that her mind wouldn't let her focus on whatever the other was saying.

School, on the other hand, had been pretty uneventful in the span of those weeks that drifted by. It's probably because she's never really made close friends in the past years she's been attending. Kana could never seem to fit in with the rest or settle into a group, the only interactions she really had was with her classmates, and that was mainly to keep up appearances. Now, Kana really doesn't seem to bother greeting anyone she recognised. They never bothered to either unless she's the one initiating it. Clearly, they aren't very fond of her for some reason — might most likely be because of her past downfall — so why did she even try?

It seems that, the girl realised, she hasn't been able to pay much attention to classes. Lately, Kana had been dozing off during the periods or entirely spacing out. All without meaning to. She could see that the teachers weren't very pleased with her current behaviour and she wished she could tell them that she didn't know what was wrong with her either.

Like seriously, what's the problem with her? It seemed to be more and more evident each day that passed; Kana might've come down with something. She's been feeling weak and sluggish, every day it gets worse. Kana couldn’t even perform her everyday tasks well, including B-komachi activities with the girls. The toilet has been a place she frequently visits, whether it'd be at home or even at school. Most often than not, she'd find herself emptying her stomach orally when she starved; urinating once a period when dehydrated; crying her heart out silently in one of the stalls when nothing had provoked her. It's come to the point where she can't make it through the day without vomiting. Fatigue was an ever present parasite nagging away at her body and mind. The redhead had wondered if she should visit a doctor to make a medical evaluation on her illness. It couldn't be a flu or a cold, her symptoms didn't match those. And while she's at it, maybe she should also get the doctor to check that certain part of her body. The bleeding still hasn't ceased even after two weeks, and it's been a month already.

After a while of hesitating, Kana eventually booked an appointment with Dr. Naomi. To be perfectly honest, she had gone the extra mile to specifically search for a female doctor and steer cleared of the male ones. There was a chance she did it unconsciously as she tried not to think about her reasoning and only followed what she felt more comfortable with.

When the time came for an audience, Dr. Naomi had started the session by asking Kana how she was today. The girl couldn't remember the last time someone had asked her that question, but she knew it was only a formality so she hindered her hopes from soaring out into the sky. Kana told the doctor that she couldn't bring herself to be productive and that she'd been feeling very tired as of late, and she wondered aloud if there was anything to help.

There was silence from the other party after she ended her sentence. Hence, the girl looked up, just registered that she hasn't been seeing face to face with the doctor, only to avert her gaze once more when their eyes met. In the brief moment she glanced at the other, Dr. Naomi had a somewhat thoughtful expression and looked to be staring at Kana the whole time. That's probably what doctors do, to determine the issue with their patients — but Kana couldn't help but feel like she's being dissected and observed under a microscope. All of a sudden, it became overwhelming.

Still, the session continued, and Dr. Naomi asked Kana for more details; what exactly she's been feeling for the last couple of weeks. Kana informed her of the morning sicknesses she's been having and how she used the toilet more often than not, as well as her mood swings which has recently spiked up unprovoked.

The quiet scratching of pen against paper on a clipboard was strangely soothing as Kana finished what she had to say. It was only then that she actually took in her surroundings and found solace in the room’s atmosphere. The space looked tidy and organised, and there were decorations adorning each corner yet it didn't seem like too much. Whereas just right. Soft was the sofa cushion beneath her, Kana felt like she could trust her seat and fall into it, knowing it'll catch her. She felt safe in this room as it gently coaxed her into expressing her worries.

A click was heard, marking the end of the other's writing. Kana still didn't turn to face the woman as she asked for confirmation on the consistent occurrence of her symptoms to which she positively replied.

There was a pause, as if the doctor was thinking long and hard about something. It seemed she decided to act on her decision when she asked if Kana had been intimate with somebody not long ago. If she might have conducted sexual intercourse—

“No,” Kana abruptly declined, rather sharply than she liked. She kicked the thought away from her mind.

The redhead admitted that her response was quite rude and she even cut off the doctor while she was still speaking! She knew she should apologise but the words wouldn't come out of her mouth. Deep inside, ire bubbled in the pit of her stomach towards the other for implying such a thing. What an appalling accusation! How dare she make a baseless assumption. What right did she have to say that about her, as if she could see straight through her soul and magically know of the incident? Did Kana really look like someone who does it at least once a week? Like someone with her innocence being long taken and craving for more like a whore ?

 

“Wait until we put you in your place, you'll be begging for more like the whore you are.”

 

She wondered what kind of expression Dr. Naomi had on her face now, as Kana looked down at her trembling fingers resting atop her lap. Affrontment? Concern? Pity? The other’s silence spoke volumes and her brain formed a thought that the doctor might be grasping on what had happened to her — or perhaps a rough idea without evidence, that is. The redhead intended to keep it that way, the doctor couldn't know, no one should.

Now Kana understood. This room was nothing but a trick to make her confess! Confess to her sins, and to the punishment laid upon her that fateful night. It was just another trap. What had she gotten herself into again?

After another minute — that may as well have been an hour — of silence, Dr. Naomi continued on with her questions while notably treading carefully around sensitive topics and the session went on for around two hours. Kana made sure not to expose herself and tried her best to keep her emotions in check while their conversation was ongoing. During most of the time, Kana felt distant from the room and the sound of the doctor’s voice. Her lips were opening and closing to speak, but only for the sake of answering the other’s questions out of obligation. She was sure she wasn't going to remember this appointment afterwards. At that point, Kana was just waiting for the doctor to confirm what was the matter with her and give her the appropriate pills so she could just choke on them and die already. Dr. Naomi mentioned something about recurring dreams, and the girl supposed she could relate to that despite the fact that she forgets every time she wakes up.

At last, the course ended and Dr. Naomi gave her conclusion. She claimed that Kana was showing signs of depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. Kana didn't know how to react, nor how to even think. Everything else that the other said afterwards were drowned out in the background. In a daze, she could only accept the prescription that was handed over to her while managing to catch two or three words containing something about not taking more than 3 tablets a day. The doctor also seemed to advise Kana against depending on the medication too much as it could pose some risks to her health but Kana could only stare at the text; ‘fluoxetine’ inscribed onto the sheet of paper as if she had forgotten her own language.

When all was said and done, Kana was free to leave Dr. Naomi's office and to head to the nearest pharmacy to dispense her prescription and obtain her prescribed medicine. The woman didn't look to have intentions in prying further into her story but she did stop Kana from nearly walking out the door just to give her some flyers.

Dr. Naomi told her that she should consider consulting a therapist and said that she couldn't do much for Kana as a psychiatrist in terms of providing mental support.

Kana could only nod and show her silent gratitude before finally exiting the room. On her way to the pharmacy, she glimpsed down at the flyers in her hands. Each flyer was different; different colour schemes; different faces; different phone numbers; different vibes. The girl wondered what use it was to her and why the doctor had given her more than one. Most importantly, though, had she heard that right? Dr. Naomi had actually been a psychiatrist all along! Does that mean Kana had accidentally booked an appointment with the wrong doctor? Kana hadn't expected to check her mental stability, she intended to check her physical condition. She wanted someone to help herself feel alive again. She wanted someone to stop the bleeding. She wanted someone to sew the stitches back together. She wanted someone to fix her broken body; assure her that she can be fixed — that she wasn't a lost cause.

The glass door of the shop slid open with a ring of a bell and Kana was greeted with a surge of cold air as she stepped inside. Her body shivered, the girl never really liked freezing temperatures.

Fortunately, there weren't a lot of people there and for some individuals that stood between the aisles she avoided, making a beeline to the counter. As she passed through the shelves, something in particular caught her eye and her feet pulled the brake. Kana glanced at the small rectangular box sitting at the very top of the shelf, displayed as if purposely forcing her to take notice of it. She can't say she didn't fall for it. Quietly, she chewed over whether or not she should buy it, too.

In the end, Kana winded up purchasing the item along with her bottle of pills. She hoped she wouldn't regret it.

 

***

 

Well, that went a lot better than expected.

Kana had just finished giving a presentation to her class about Japanese mythology which their History teacher assigned to each student to get it done. Hers told the story of the primordial god and goddess, Izanagi and his wife, Izanami — as well as their journey as deities who created the islands of Japan and many other gods. The redhead had also included the death of Izanami after the birth of the fire god Kagutsuchi, which resulted in the desperation of Izanagi to bring his wife back to no avail. Forever grief-strickened, it was believed that Izanagi disappeared to continue his search for Izanami and the fruit of his efforts had remained a mystery to this day. The story depicts a sweet yet tragic love between the two gods and perhaps that was why Kana was so drawn to it.

In any case, the presentation wasn't the main thing that Kana was pleased about. What actually did was her own success in presenting it! The girl didn't clam up in front of her classmates and neither did she lose composure. Although her heart rate seemed to increase in speed, it was probably due to the adrenaline pumping through her veins.

All in due thanks to her medicine which she's been taking daily. At first, Kana had been sceptical of the effects it would bring and how these pills were supposed to work, but the girl braved through swallowing the first capsule after an especially bad day and she's been committed to it ever since.

Taking those antidepressants really did help! Kana felt as if they had boosted her energy and she felt a lot more motivated to do things, complete tasks and whatnot. She had even cleaned up her whole apartment from the mess she made weeks ago! Consuming them felt as if they were taking her to another world, where sadness ceased to exist and happiness was the only emotion. A world of paradise where she forgets the pain as if she had never experienced it. She felt like she could take on anything in the entire universe!

Days had been going smoothly, flowing like clean rivers free of sticks and stones. Kana had stopped fearing the outside world and she could go to school or the store alone without overthinking about unnecessary things — although she does still walk to school with the twins to honour their newfound routine. Her school life had seemed brighter; she could focus on subjects and she hadn't been feeling sleepy at all for the past whole week! Kana could even follow the beat of dances perfectly during B-komachi practices as if all went back to normal. For once in a long time, she felt like herself again. It was as if she never left, that there really wasn't anything to move on from. Although she suffered some light side effects after the pills had worn off, it was an insignificantly small price to pay. One in which case was absolutely worth it.

Everything was going so well — until it didn't.

Kana couldn't have known it would happen, it's been quite a while since her last episode and she thought that would be a thing of the past that she could leave behind right then.

It was another meet-up for the B-komachi members and today, they've planned to shoot a video for their YouTube channel. One of those videos that just showed them chatting with one another or even playing games together besides MVs and choreography practices. Kana had almost forgotten what they did the last time. But today, they had discussed with each other beforehand and came up with something fun to do… at least, Kana remembered the late feeling of excitement. All she knew was that they all consented to it and one of them — Memcho, if she recalled correctly — was preparing the camera with her phone, the one that had the iconic purple case with little black horns, and she was placing it on a stand in front of the sofa where Kana was sitting. And that's when it happened.

Then and there, as the girl sat and watched the other set up the recording, she glanced at a particular part of the smartphone — no, not as short as a glance — she stared, stared for what felt like an eternity and looked into the lens; the camera's eye. Dark and circular, designed to capture fleeting moments in a way to make it last forever.

Moments like that night.

All so suddenly, it all came rushing back. Stormy weather, the smell of rain, a dark alleyway. Sticky clothes, frostbite on her fingertips, talons of predators. Pain.

Her breath quickened and her entire form trembled. It flitted through her mind as a ghost of events at first, but soon, it began to flicker and turn into something vivid; solid; real .

Kana was back there again.

No more was the place she's in the Strawberry Productions agency office but a squalid, vacant area devoid of people. Strands of crimson hair stuck to her face as drops of sweat– no, rain, trickled from her forehead. The girl looked down at her hands; palms damp and covered with grime. Kana was completely drenched in the cold and faintly, she felt something wet running in between her thighs. She saw something move in her peripheral vision and when she returned her gaze back up, she froze in horror.

Black, blurry silhouettes that looked humanoid but not quite human. Monsters . As she sat there, in the dirt and muddy puddles, those unknown figures looked bigger than her — much too gigantic. Like if they were to step on her, she would be crushed to death instantly. Her blood would splatter everywhere, painting the walls surrounding both her sides and mixing brown with a dark shade of red, she was sure of it. They stood quite a bit far from her. Stationary, with little to no movement. Slightly swaying side by side as if curious, and she can't seem to shake their ravenous eyes off of her. The girl might have a chance to run away now but alas, she was like a deer caught in headlights. And the car was coming head on, in the shape of something else.

That something invaded her nose. A sugary and fruity scent, tinged with odd chemicals. Soon enough, the sickly sweet smell became too much and her breaths became laboured. She huffed and panted, trying for oxygen which didn't seem able to enter her airway. It was then that those monsters began to move towards her without warning, and Kana panicked.

She tried to get away, falling off some platform she hadn't noticed she was on in the process, but her legs grew numb. Kana tried using her hands instead, digging her nails into the soil to crawl away. There were three– no, four, now as another appeared from somewhere– out of nowhere– she didn't know, she couldn't see, it was so dark and the moon had left her to fend for herself. They all surrounded her and she could see hands, hands flying to her. Hands that promised an agonising torment. One or two managed to grab her shoulder and bicep and she knew, she knew they were going to tear off her arms from her torso — then her legs and lastly her head and they'll do it very slowly, she knew they were going to. They would pull and pull and pull and pull with their bare hands, letting the sound of ripping tissue and flesh fill the claustrophobic space, and Kana would feel each and every second of it.

Not safe. Not safe. Not safe. Not safe.

She screamed, and that seemed to scare away those two hands but somehow, she could still feel it. Kana could feel those hands still, thousands of them, wriggling underneath her skin like small worms; maggots, eating away at her body as it would do so to a corpse.

Her body abruptly convulsed, sensing the danger itself. Even it knew that its own vessel was dying and the host was too incompetent to save it. That was it. Kana was going to die all over again.

She caught a glimpse of the camera once more. It stood glaring at her, ever mocking.

 

“Smile for the camera!”

 

She gasped loudly, a final desperate attempt to get air into her lungs. A fruitless one, to note. As a result of her failure, one of the many, her body collapsed and she was plunged into the realm of unconsciousness.

 

***

 

Kana slowly peeled her eyes open as she blinked awake. Above her was a white ceiling painted a darker shade, there was little light. Whereas beneath her, she felt a soft mattress and her head sunk into a comfy pillow. The girl was also covered with a complementary blanket and she was as good as ready for bed. Except that she knew this wasn't her bed and it sure as ever didn't look like her bedroom.

Only just then did she take notice of gentle breathing beside her and when she turned her head — drowsily and unhurried — slightly to the side, she was met with Ruby, who was facing her while sound asleep. The other was tucked in as well but from what Kana could see up close, she was wearing her sports clothes in lieu of night pajamas. That was strange, why would Ruby be wearing an outfit she usually wears for practice or training to sleep? Now that it was mentioned, the girl was also dressed in clothes she normally wouldn't be wearing to bed. More importantly, what was she doing in Ruby's room? She didn't remember anything about agreeing to a sleepover.

As she continued to blankly look up at the ceiling, she tried to think of what could possibly be the reason as to why she was here and she— Ah, she recalled it. Right, well that happened, hadn't it?

The girl raised herself up to sit, careful to not wake the other beside her. She couldn't help a small flinch when Ruby suddenly stirred in her sleep, as if sensing disturbance — but she only flipped to her other side and resumed snoring silently. Somewhat relieved, Kana took a shallow exhale before her eyes wandered elsewhere, pondering about something.

Why hadn't her pills worked?

It couldn't have worn out because she was absolutely certain that she had swallowed one not long before she met up with her group, and it should've lasted for at least a few hours. They hadn't even started what they had already planned to do earlier and Kana couldn't stop herself from feeling responsible. What a burden she had become, why oh why did it have to happen on this day of all days, she desponded. The redhead wrapped her arms around herself, distantly unaware of the scratches she was inflicting on her own exposed skin, as she looked out a nearby window in the room.

She must've passed out – obviously, of course – and for a long time on top of that. As can be seen by the dark night sky through the transparent glass, moonlight shedding pass and highlighting the room. Kana blankly stared out the window, unbeknownst to her that she was spacing out again.

With a blink, she was brought back to reality by a soft groan from the girl laying beside her. Ruby had turned again slightly, this time towards her which allowed Kana to see her sleeping face. It looked like the blondie was having a nice dream as she smiled in her slumber, perhaps if Kana looked a little more closely, she could see her drooling a bit. Ruby seemed so peaceful and happy like this, the girl mused, she wondered what had happened to her that made her suddenly change her behaviour in the waking world.

For now though, Kana huffed fondly, seeing her rest easy was enough to bring a smile to her face. It seems like Ruby could still be the old honest, cute girl she once knew. The redhead pulled her hands away from her now irritated arms and carried one over above Ruby's head to caress it. Please don't change , Kana wants to tell her, please let me recognise you always .

But just before her palm could touch even a strand of blonde hair, Kana’s eyes shot open as she was reminded of something and she hastily pulled back. Oh , Kana grasped her wrist tightly as she inched away from the girl, her eyes warily staring at the other with both guilt and pain in her expression. How could she almost let herself touch Ruby , Kana scolded herself, she was disgusting!

It was evident in the event of that night, recorded to show the judge of her obscene sins with the footage documented by that camera. That camera, camera , camera. Where was that camera?

No, she shouldn't be here any longer. Kana couldn't taint Ruby with her own impurity. She was dirty and what was she still doing sitting on the other’s bed? She should leave, leave and never come back for if she does, she would only bring everyone down with her and how stupid she was to even think of staining someone else's white dress just because hers was black? Everywhere she goes she attracts trouble.

The girl quickly but quietly peeled off the sheets from her side before swiftly standing to her feet – wobbling a little as she felt abrupt nausea – and fleeing out of the room without a second glance back. She had to find that camera. She had to! Kana practically jumped down the flight of stairs and bolted through doors to get to the exit, not paying much heed to some rooms that had its lights on. When she stepped into the living room, the front door was in sight and she was just about to run towards it until—

“Arima, wait.”

She halted. The voice had come from behind and it was oh so familiar to her ears – except, ironically, the person it belonged to was the exact opposite.

Kana doesn't know why she stopped, or why Aqua was even calling her in the first place. What did he want with her? Her mind tried to think about all the answers to that question and the only thing she could come up with was that he was going to get mad at her for causing everybody inconvenience. That seemed like the most plausible and predictable outcome.

“You’re awake?” he asked, as if he wasn't looking at her to see that she was quite clearly awake. Or maybe, indeed, he wasn't looking her way at all. In any case, the girl didn't turn to confirm and she couldn't bring herself to so she took a step forward, trying to reach the exit but…

“Wait, it's late. You can stay here for the night.” Aqua said, and Kana could hear the hesitation in his tone. It's apparent the fact that he doesn't actually agree with his own words. He was probably forced into saying it similarly to that day he apologised to her.

“No, no, thank you. I'm fine already so–”

“You had a panic attack,” he paused, as if contemplating, but said it anyway, “again.”

Again ? The only times she ever had a panic attack in front of someone is that day when she returned to practicing and earlier today. Does that mean he was watching back then, she pondered, because Ruby and Memcho didn't seem like they knew what was going on with her let alone understand that she was having a panic attack. Of course he knows what a panic attack looks like, because he had one during their Tokyo Blade play rehearsal. Kana never really knew why what happened happened back then, and she never got around to asking him about it thinking that it was a sensitive topic. Perhaps that's another reason why Aqua hated her; for being such a bad friend. Especially since he experienced the episode after she herself had told him to do something. Has Kana always been so insensitive? No doubt now, that Aqua’s hatred was her fault all along.

Kana clenched her fists and turned her head slightly to the side, still unable to bear meeting his gaze. “S-so..?”

“Why?”

She took a sharp inhale, shock wasn't quite the word. His voice almost sounded… upset or worried. Could Kana be hearing things? She must've lost it, this was totally the side effects of those pills kicking in.

“What's wrong? Arima, what's going on with you?” Yet, he continued using that newfound tone of his.

It should be fake, shouldn't it? Then why does it sound so eerily genuine? It sounded more like the one she was once used to, one she missed dearly and she couldn't help but be pulled in by this comforting familiarity. Hence, she turned to face him. Expectations boldly shooting up to the sky as she imagined to see the boy she loved. Kana wished she never looked.

That face, one she doesn't mind which shape or form it would take as she would always give her love unconditionally, was shrouded in a dark shadow; his height obscuring the ceiling lamp. That's not him . It's another one of those monsters , towering over her like giants preparing to feast as if she was presented to them on a plate. A dish to be devoured whole.

Searching for that normal countenance underneath all the darkness felt like an eternity. Before she could even find it, out of the blue, the figure in front of her raised his arm towards her and her fight-or-flight response instantly triggered itself. Kana knew if she didn't act fast, that hand would rip what little of herself apart once more. In the spur of the moment, she opted for flight as she ran the opposite way.

“A-Arima, hold on!” the voice shouted, but it was wrong. There was no way that voice she had always admired came from that monster . It was a trick! Drown it out, drown it out!

Finally, she got to the door with a slam but she could barely feel the twinge with the adrenaline pumping through her veins. Kana fumbled for the doorknob but no matter how many times she tried, she just couldn't seem to turn it. It was the panic, most likely. Stop panicking, Kana! Calm down or else it will—

Then and there, she felt something touch her shoulder and her breath hitched in her throat. Kana winced away – loudly slamming her side against the door and screamed, “Stop! Don't–! ”

The hand pulled away quickly, as if burned and the figure took slow steps backward, retreating from its prey. No, it's not a predator – it's Aqua. But she still couldn't see his face, not that she was looking, Kana could only make out a part of his lower body in the corner of her eye. How could she see him the same way she sees those four beasts? Terrible wasn't a good enough word to describe Kana.

“D-don’t touch me,” she said in a shaky whisper, out of breath as she pushed herself closer to the door as much as possible, “...please.”

Aqua didn't respond, only standing motionless in front of her. Kana wondered what kind of expression he must be making at that moment. Perhaps anger or disappointment.

Though, at last, her hand felt the cool metal of the doorknob and turned it, the surface of where she had leaned on backing up as the door opened.

“I’m s-sorry…”

With that, Kana ran out into the dead of night. The dark hours of such usually brought back unwanted memories but she focused on the searing pain on the soles of her bare feet, battering against the rocks and stone. The hurt never fails to keep her mind off of horrid nightmares. Despite that, her lungs were running out of breath and her body was worn out. She felt so weak and tired.

She wished she had her pills on her, then it would make her feel better as usual.

 

***

 

As soon as she got home, Kana didn't bother to wash up or tend to her injured feet but simply pulled out her phone. The redhead searched herself on Google and even on porn websites; her name, her appearance and even some nasty words that described what they did to her – only to find nothing. Nothing but perverted videos of lust-hungry animals, engaging in sexual intercourses as if it were their oxygen.

It was gross; utterly revolting to see them all enjoying it – enjoying something so inexplicably lewd. Wanton moans and skin slapping skin filled her ears and it made her relive it all over again.

 

It was then when his thumb pressed gently against her pink-tinted nipple without warning did a surprised mewl escape from her throat unwillingly. The five of them were shocked by the suggestive sound but the men were the only ones grinning from ear to ear while the girl was mortified by her own voice.

 

A gag escaped her and she couldn't handle it anymore. Kana clicked her phone shut and ran to the bathroom. The small puddles of water caused acute pain when it made contact with her feet but she could care less. The girl only swung open the toilet seat and doubled over, vomiting into the bowl.

Not a moment’s repose and Kana suddenly felt phantom hands crawling all over her body again; something she hasn't felt for a long time since taking her medication.

She needs those pills. The last time she placed it was on her kitchen counter. Yes, she had to go get them to get rid of these sickening talons clinging onto her. Alas, just as she was about to get up, her fragile form fell back down to her knees and her body felt too weak and numb to stand. But these hands, they would break her over and over if she doesn't remove them! She wants them to stop so badly.

Kana scratched at her arms, legs and torso but it didn't work one bit. It wasn't enough, her nails weren't sharp enough to rip through tissue.

Her eyes trailed over to the razor blade sitting innocently on the sink. The redhead had previously taken it out of her shaver a long time ago, when she had planned to worsen the damage since scratching herself wasn't enough. However, she shied away out of fear and excuses that would convince her not to do it time and time again. Except that right then, she needed it so desperately to the point that she didn't spare a second to think about the consequences that came with it and took the razor from the sink. Kana began slashing at her wrists.

Crimson leaked from the opened wounds and the stinging was twice the size than when she used her nails. From that, she could solely feel the ache of the now, not the torment of that night. No more hands, no more monsters. Just pure, outcasted complaints from her body. 

Kana relishes in the pain. She hoped she'd bleed to death and never see another morning.

Notes:

Finally, after so long, ive finished the third part of this soon to be but not yet series!! (sobbing internally)
Apologies are due and Im so sorry to have delayed this long awaited chapter. Writerblock sucks ass. My big exam is also coming up soo the next chapter after this one might be delayed again as well........
As always, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I got something big cooking up and dont tell anyone this but.. (leans closer to you) ive actually done an artwork for this series, and its finished but I wont be able to post it before the end of this book... im sad too about it, it looks so good already but the the good thing is, since I so badly want ppl to see my art, that'll hopefully give me a lot of motivation to hurry up with the updates! So...yay??
Don't forget to leave kudos and comments! It really helps. Just write anything you want down there. It always makes me happy and more motivated after seeing you guys' comments! I'll be seeing you in the next one (unless I up and die or something lol)

Chapter 4: Cause and Effect

Notes:

This chapter contains S/A and some depictions of violence, heed the warnings!

Loud, ugly retching bounced against the tile walls of the bathroom, filling the otherwise quiet tranquillity of the space. Kana gripped the edges of the toilet bowl with all her might while she tried to keep herself from giving in to exhaustion. She feared she'd fall into the well of her own vomit, that'd be disgusting. Although, perhaps it's already too late, as the end strands of her hair was wet and clumped with spew. That repulsive fact was enough to force another heave out of her.

The girl stayed hunched over the toilet for a while, letting out small groans and coughs to coax any more to come out so she could get it done and over with. When a few minutes had passed and it seemed like her stomach had been completely emptied, Kana gulped to stop the saliva perpetually spilling from her lips. Her throat felt scratched raw and she could taste the gross liquid on her tongue. She suppressed a gag or else she'd have to repeat it again.

Eventually, Kana raised her head from the toilet bowl and was immediately attacked by a keen, fetid smell invading her nostrils. Scrunching up her nose, she cringed away and held her breath. Only when she had flushed the toilet did she release it with a sigh. The redhead watched, blankly, as a surge of water drowned out the colour until the contents were clear again. The displeasing scent remained, but only faintly. She lets out another sigh.

Kana had woken up feeling nauseous again this morning. It seemed like it had become a routine for her to get these morning sicknesses and go through with it to no fail. Perhaps, she thought, that she might have eaten something wrong — or the other way around. Perhaps she hadn't eaten anything right, or not much at all. Lately, she had been eating less than before and her fridge and kitchen cabinets would more often than not be empty as she doesn't even bother to stock up on food anymore. Not to mention the fact that her eating schedule is all over the place, or maybe none to be found anywhere, to be more exact.

The girl swayed over to the bathroom sink and rinsed her mouth and the ends of her hair of the puke remnants. Soon, the mixed taste disappeared from her buds and she could only discern the blandness of tap water which was better in comparison, to be honest. Distantly, she wished that it would also be enough to wash away that faint taste of indescribable substance that she could still sense on her tongue. But it wouldn't, Kana gazed intently at the running water. The mere possible solution was to entirely cut off the limb that could let her taste in the first place so she could never taste again and that would be best, wouldn't it? Better than having to remember what had forced itself into her mouth and violated her in such an unchaste way while she had no say in it nor even the chance to.

She shut her eyes closed and took a deep breath. There was no time to space out again, Kana had to get ready for school.

While waiting for the bathtub to fill, Kana took off her clothes and in the process, she checked her pad. It wasn't the usual dark red but instead, stained with a reddish pink. Kana wasn't quite sure if she should be concerned, even more than she should've been the moment the bleeding extended for an entire month. Now, it's been about two months since this unending period started and really thinking about it now, Kana dreaded that she could no longer shrug it off as her menstrual cycle. Still, she doesn't make the effort to think of the actual causes. She didn't want to.

Nonetheless, the red head wondered if she should finally stop procrastinating and book an appointment with a doctor who specialises in physical – not mental – health. Consequently, she could get the certain doctor to find the root of her bleeding and also her urge to throw up every morning. Something was wrong with her, she knew, but she'd rather not have anyone peeking inside her soul and mind. Things which couldn't be seen, which she should hide from the world and shun it away as if it was an embarrassment of a child. Kana didn't even know what she was thinking when she had consulted a psychiatrist – she wasn't that dumb, she could read – and what had she really expected from that kind of profession? Well, at least she got something good out of that encounter; her pills, that is.

But truthfully, and she knew it, she was afraid and ashamed of the possibility that someone would find out about what had really happened to her. After all, her psychiatrist had come close to finding out her dark secret. And that was just by hearing her talk and observing her movements, imagine them actually seeing the rotten carcass of her body and witnessing the glaringly obvious evidence etched into her skin like a permanent tattoo.

By that time, the bathtub had already filled to the brim with water so she turned off the faucet before dipping into the homely pond. It was hot, not warm, and it burned her skin – just the way she liked it to be nowadays. Although, it wasn't the searing temperature that had made her hiss and flinch as soon as she submerged herself in the water.

Kana looked at her arms, tightly bandaged up as if to rigidly hide something from view but crimson stains gave away what was underneath. She moved her arms outside the area of the bathtub and slowly, she unwrapped the damp cloths from her arms to reveal multiple scars which had begun bleeding once more — the liquid shining with the ceiling light of the bathroom. She watched as little drops of blood trickled from the carvings on her wrists and down they plummeted to the floor below, speckling the white tile like paint on an empty canvas; art.

Perhaps she shouldn't have cut so deep last time, but at that moment, she really thought that she was at her breaking point and that she really was going to die. In the end, she couldn't do it when fear overtook her mind. Now, she had to suffer the consequences. Not only was she bleeding from her vagina but also from these cuts now, something new to worry about.

As she continued to stare at the damage done by her own hands, the sight of the blood suddenly made her queasy and she barely managed to subdue the bile from rising up to her throat. She was not going to vomit again today.

So, the girl took a handful of water from the tub and rather hesitantly poured it over the scars. Scorching twinges from the affected wounds and the heat made her take a sharp inhale. It almost felt like the water had entered inside the opened scars and it felt ..weird but also painful. Yet, she sucked it up and repeated the cycle. Every rinse was accompanied by a wince or a hiss. She had to clench her teeth and grip her hands tightly in order to endure the agony. This went on steadily with each hand taking a turn to wash the opposite wrist and Kana would get used to the stinging halfway until the bleeding seemed like it had lessened.

Afterwards, Kana got out of the bathtub. Then she threw the old gauzes into the nearby trashcan and opened the bathroom cabinet for fresh ones but stopped as soon as she was about to reach for them. An idea popped into her brain and she wondered, should she add just another cut?

She gazed at her arms again, at the scars that adorned her skin and was currently throbbing with irritation as blood continued to ooze out from the openings. Kana thought long and hard but eventually decided against it. Looking at the way things were, she wasn't feeling particularly bad recently, just tired. Moreover, Kana had to save some space for when she does get another episode where she’d need to fight pain with pain.

And anyway, the redhead remembered that she was busy with something before going to school so she shook away any lingering contemplations and re-bound her arms with a clean dressing, only around the places that bled so to save resources. She was worried that the staff of her local pharmacy would start becoming suspicious if she would often fetch for more lint.

Following the moment her injuries were nice and tidied up in a tourniquet, she took her medication that was also stored inside the bathroom cabinet and popped two pills into her mouth. Kana would need the extra one for what she was going to do, a little something that she had turned into a daily chore.

As soon as Kana returned to her bedroom and wore her school uniform, she sat on the mattress and grabbed an object from atop her bedside; a Polaroid camera, then directed it towards herself. She looked into the lens and her hands trembled, her breathing erratic. But she quickly steadied it and composed herself.

Since the incident of her getting a panic attack in front of her agency while attempting to shoot a video, Kana had forced herself to become accustomed to cameras again by staring into one. She used to do this too back then, she recollected, back when she was small and got a few stage frights. Although, those practices only became a need when she had first experienced a decrease in her career — and when her mother had begun worrying. Since she was born and immediately thrown into the entertainment industry, Kana had always liked – no, loved the attention. She had received a lot of support from the community and a lot of love from her mother. Kana had felt euphoria, knowing she shone as bright as the sun onstage and billions of people would come to witness her ascension. And as a young, dumb and naive little girl, she had thought that this amount of affection was natural. Until…

Imagine her reaction, when the high platform of her world had suddenly crashed and gone downhill. When she had lost the surface under her little feet. Kana stopped receiving the positive feedback from people and stopped receiving love entirely. Perhaps it was her punishment for never cherishing them, stupidly mistaking them for granted. Hence, she began — believe her, she tried — she began to finally be grateful for every little offering of admiration and accepted them with open arms. Kana practiced more often, improving her skills to be better, to reach the expectations of society. She even tried helping around backstage and took to promoting herself instead of burdening others and meeting face to face with people, something she would never do in the past; to call them all back and let them see that she has changed for the greater good. And she did it all with a smile, yet… They treated her as if she had done an unforgivable crime.

Those eyes, she would never forget them as she could still feel them piercing straight through her. Disappointment and hatred, as they watched her perform on stage, as if they were forced to sit there and maybe they were. Her current hands trembled in sync with her past’s small hands while she now grasped onto the camera for life whereas the little girl, a microphone. She tried to keep her gaze steady on eyes staring back at her but those very same eyes expressing crude disapproval made her stutter and before she knew it, her singing got off track and she ruined her small concert. What followed was a chorus of displeased groans and jeers from the small audience. Their voices were vivid, echoing in her ears like harsh thunders.

“Get her off stage!” 

“I can't believe I wasted my time with this.” 

“Why is she still employed?”

“This little bitch can't do shit!”

But even as she believed that she had improved herself immensely, she still heard those insatiable protests, still received the same treatment, or maybe even more as she continued to age. Kana didn't know what she had done wrong, didn't understand it back then. Now she understood.

As a child, Kana was already hated by everyone on the get-go. Evoked by her natural talent and her mother's annoying antics. Even though she herself never did anything to warrant such hate, Kana never had a chance in the first place and no matter how hard she'll try, they will always harbor hate for her. So she was frustrated, which is the cause for her nasty behaviour – in order to have some sense of control, to understand that people hate her because of her own fault, not the things she couldn't control. Still, as a child, she thought it was fine if everyone hated her since she still had at least some however small love from her mother – because the only thing that matters to a child was the love and attention from the parent who gave her life. Until she began losing jobs because of that same exact abhorrent from everyone else around her. Eventually it reached her mother, the last person she wished would infect, and those ugly looks and behaviour saved especially for her was what Kana had to deal with. Then her mother would turn her back on her, and that was the final thing she saw of her mother.

Present Kana shook her head. Enough storytime.

The redhead remembered the many panic attacks that she had weeks ago when she started this routine. She can't seem to stop the overflowing memories of that night flashing through her mind every time she looks into the lens. Thus, she had struggled a lot but she persevered, if not for herself then for her team members. Eventually, she'd grown quite tolerable to a camera and she hasn't had a panic attack for the last few days — but that doesn't mean she had completely rid of the flashbacks. Kana had just simply ignored those bitter memories, pushing them at the back of her mind. It was hard at first, but she thankfully managed. As of now, Kana was sure she wouldn't collapse and faint whenever she sees one but she continued this habit. Practice makes perfect, after all.

Then, the next time B-komachi had planned to record something or go on set, she was able to make it through and displayed a calm demeanor in front of everyone. Even as the nightmare played over and over in her mind like a broken record. Kana taught herself to grow numb to the feeling but she can't lie, it was too much sometimes. But that was easily solved with pain, so she needn’t worry much.

Kana mindlessly played with her hair, curling the strands with her fingers, as she tried staying composed while staring into the lens at the same time. Then her eyes wandered elsewhere, and she found that she couldn't look directly at it for so long. Not that she was about to have a panic attack, it's just she couldn't handle the pressure; her nervous system wouldn't let her. Well, at least she was a little fine in knowing she's being recorded.

Kana brushed while pulling gently forward at a lock of her hair as she trailed to the end. Her hand was visible in front of her as it held the edge of crimson strands, it used to only stop at her nose.

Her hair had grown a bit long, reaching below her shoulders. Kana only noticed because one day, Ruby had mentioned it.

“Loli-senpai, is it just me or does your hair look longer?”

Kana’s eyes widened slightly in surprise. They were walking side by side, on their way to school like usual, except it seemed a lot more quiet that day. The redhead raised a hand to inspect her own hair and hadn't realised until now that the ends had touched her shoulder when her usual bob wouldn't even reach past her neck.

“It is,” Kana confirmed, blankly. She hadn't paid much attention to her hair lately, nor her overall appearance so she wouldn't know that her hair had grown a full two inches. But she had expected it.

As a matter of fact, Kana always had this gene which made her hair grow faster and she would often find herself going to the salon to get a haircut once a month in order to maintain her hair length to her iconic bob. Almost always, too, she would prefer buying a package which included the hairwashing service along with the trimming. It's no wonder how her hair was always so soft and silky, with her own daily hair care to boot. Now, though, she couldn't find it in herself to bother.

Her hair wasn't the only thing that significantly grew, she realised soon, much sooner with the help of the concerned gazes from her team members. They kept looking at her eyes, at her face and at her body with those eyes that were tinged with sadness. Not only that, they would more often than not ask these questions.

“Kana-chan, have you eaten yet? I actually want you to try this new dessert that recently went viral with me! I heard it's delicious.”

“Loli-senpai, do you want to have another sleepover at my house? It'll be fun, promise!”

“Are you… alright, Kana-chan? If you're not feeling too well then we can delay B-komachi’s on set schedule until you get better. The health and wellbeing of our team members is the top priority in the agency, you know. So don't be afraid to tell me about anything, okay?”

Their behaviour, she could see it, how they seem to be walking on eggshells around her and the way they treated her like glass. As if she would shatter if they so much as sneezed beside her. Personally, Kana thought she was doing a good job in hiding it by playfully shrugging off their worries and even joking about it. She was a renowned actress, it was impossible for them to look through her disguise without being an experienced actor themselves. But soon enough, she had a suspicion that maybe it wasn't how she directed the puppet of her body, but the body itself. It wasn't until one day, Kana actually braved herself to look into a mirror for once in a while did she notice some changes in her appearance.

There were dark, dark bags under her eyes as if she hadn't slept in a year and she looked skinnier as if she hadn't eaten in a year. Her cheeks were sunken and her limbs looked like sticks. And her expression… It was nothing short of miserable. Red pupils that stared back seemed devoid of light and she looked as pale as a corpse in a morgue.

That wasn't her.

She doesn't remember ever seeing herself like this nor could she imagine herself looking so pathetic. Thus, the only plausible reason would be that she wasn't looking at herself but instead, some other girl that happened to look like her.

What was this girl doing inside her mirror, she mused, and why did she look so sad? Had something happened to her, perhaps? Kana had somewhat recalled meeting her once, she thought, the girl had the same face now as she had that night.

 

However now, as she's face to face with her reflection in the soiled pool, the red head was met by someone unfamiliar and although Kana didn't know the girl who was trapped under the puddle, she knew she hated her from first sight. She looked gross and pitiful. Kana didn't have time to sympathise with her, let alone show any sort of empathy; she never really thought anyone was undeserving of worth her whole life, until then. Thus, Kana backed away, turning a blind eye to the girl's suffering as she felt the weight of her sins grew heavier than ever before. She tries to forget her face.

 

Kana wanted to ask her, ‘ why are you following me? What's wrong with you? I don't want to see your face. Stop looking at me like that.’ But nothing came out. Her fist trembled at her sides, wanting so badly to punch the reflective glass that didn't do its job at all. Why didn't the mirror show her reflection? Where was the girl who had once shone as bright as the sun, who she had always seen when she looked into the mirror? Why was she replaced with this girl instead, who dimmed as dim as a night in a new moon? Kana didn't like her, she wanted her gone. But she couldn't do it, Kana merely glanced away, looking at anything but the girl's pitiful face.

On another hand, her figure looked rather odd. Her limbs and face was skin and bones for sure but her stomach — it was… slightly bulging. It didn’t fit at all with the rest of her body which made her physique look really off. She looked strange, gross, ugly . The girl could care less about it at the moment but still… Kana didn't understand why she looked this way, it was as if she caught some kind of disease. It couldn't be because she gained weight, because if so, the rest of her body would look chubby as well. Plus, she had a naturally fast metabolism. What could it be, she wondered.

A loud, obnoxious idea was ever-present inside her head but she quickly vanished the thought. That answer was utterly ridiculous and simply put, completely insane. She couldn't even fathom saying the word, let alone think about it.

Eventually, Kana decided that it was probably due to the fact that she wasn't eating much and not taking care of herself. Indeed, she admitted to it but such things mattered little to her. Anyway, Kana recalled reading somewhere before about someone hoping to lose weight by undereating but that habit only made them gain weight instead. It sounded so logical to her and made much more sense than the other reason she dreaded, so she left it at that.

Of course, she was aware that she couldn't go outside looking so unnatural like this, Kana had to maintain her figure in public, especially as she was an idol. So she took out her corset that day and clipped them around her waist. Having seen her belly become flat as it once was made her relieved and she began wearing it ever since.

Her hand trailed down to her belly, feeling the hard texture of the corset underneath her shirt and vest. Kana placed the Polaroid back on her bedside table and she took a deep breath. Her body felt tight and uncomfortable, but it was necessary. After all, she had to go to school today. Glancing at the clock on the wall, she grabbed her backpack and left her apartment to catch the twins.

Except she found that they weren't there waiting for her at their usual meet up spot. The girl stood there, thinking that the two might be a little late but as she waited there patiently, they never came. Kana wasn't sure how many minutes or hours had drifted since then, she had spaced out mostly, not even paying any heed to the people passing by her. After some time, her eyes wandered upwards, looking at the sky above. From a pastel purple-ish colour, it had faded into a light blue and her surroundings looked brighter. The sun was high above the horizon. It must be near noon already. Morning had passed. The school gates must've been closed by that time, and still no familiar blonde in sight.

The three- no, two of them were late now. Or, one. Had Ruby left without her? But she had always waited for her, even when Kana was super late. And at times when she wasn't, she'd inform or send a text message to her ahead of time. Like when she was ill, busy with work or something else and couldn't make it to school. Yet Kana was absolutely certain that Ruby hadn't sent a single word to her about today.

Ah , it came to her. Ruby had finally grown tired of her, hadn't she? Just as her brother had. It was fine, Kana began, she didn't blame them at all — because who, in their right mind, would want to be beside someone as corrupted as her? The girl walked by herself as she made her way to school. She was already capable of going out alone by herself, right? Why did she have to trouble them in waiting for her every day? How stupid and selfish she was, to burden them so much.

Before the road, everybody stopped as it was the vehicles’ turn to move. However, as she stood in front and looked at the countless wheels rolling past her, a morbid thought entered her mind. An incoming truck made its way inside her peripheral vision and she brooded; what if she was to step into the active road? If she got run over by that truck? Would anyone grief her? Would someone miss her? Without thinking, she took a step forward and—

“Kana-chan!”

A familiar voice called out her name and when she turned to look, it was none other than Memcho. Kana retreated her foot back on the sidewalk.

“There you are,” Mem said as she ran up to her, “I was just about to go check on you.”

Kana hadn't expected to see Mem here, what a small world, yet big and scary all the same. A swift wind blew past her and she saw the truck that she had been eyeing gone by. It was then that she realised what impulsive act she was about to do just seconds ago. Sweat began to exude from her pores.

“Uh, where- where were you going?” Mem inquired, catching her breath as she flashed Kana a gentle smile.

“Oh, um,” she stammered, anxious as if she was just caught doing something illegal. “I was… just about to go to school. Why?”

The other tilted her head and raised an eyebrow at Kana, and she raised an eyebrow back. “School?” Mem repeated.

“Yes, my high school? Youtou High?”

“But it's the weekend.”

There was silence between them, excluding the chatter of people and the sound of the street. Denial was on her tongue but when she thought back on it, Kana remembered how yesterday was a Friday. She could discern it was true because the teachers had specifically given them an early leave that same Friday. Kana must've gotten things mixed up on her end. Her face flushed red with embarrassment. But most of all, shame. For thinking that someone as nice as Ruby would abandon and leave her behind, just like all those people of her past. What has gotten into her lately?

“Oh well, don't worry about it Kana-chan! At least now we could walk to the agency together,” Mem chuckled and raised a hand to pat her back, but really slowly so Kana could refuse if she wasn't comfortable with it. Seeing that she didn't make a move to back away, Mem gave a few friendly pats on her back. It was when Kana had another confused expression on her face did the other explain, “we planned to go eat out with everyone today, don't you remember?”

All of a sudden, she recalled the four of them; Ruby, Memcho, Miyako and herself, discussing something of the sort. Miyako was the one who planned the whole thing. Meanwhile, the other in front of her now was the one who suggested they go to this newly opened cafe. Since it was new and increasingly popular, the place was unsurprisingly crowded with people and reservations were packed full. At last, they managed to book a spot on this day around this time after so long of searching for an available table. Miyako then said that it was as a well-earned rewarded break whilst also mentioning how there were a lot of sweets and delicious meals that they would surely like, offering them to take this once-in-a-blue-moon chance to eat as much as they liked.

Ruby and Memcho both reveled in some kind of victory and Kana wished she had joined them happily as well. But her attention focused solely on the way Miyako had constantly glanced at her as if she was mostly directing the invite to her. Frankly speaking, Kana had considered refusing the offer as she's afraid that she'd be a bother; something they had to make sure was fed. But then again, she couldn't keep avoiding them. Besides, she'd be lying if she said she didn't miss them — they were like a family to her, the only family she has left. So, she simply nodded to Miyako’s delight.

Then, out of the blue, someone had accidentally bumped into Kana, snapping her out of her recollection. The traffic light must've turned red for the vehicles and green for the pedestrians, so everyone was probably rushing to get to the other side of the street before it was going to change again – assuming this person was one of them, too. Naturally, she turned to see who it was that seemed in a hurry so much that they couldn't see her, and she was met by an unfamiliar face; an unfamiliar face of a man.

Her eyes shot wide open. She didn't know why but her teeth began to chatter and her body shook. He was pretty tall, and big, too. His form shadowed hers petite. Her breath quickened and the memories came flooding back— The girl bowed and apologised at once, tearing away her gaze before she had a panic attack again right then and there.

Kana sees the feet of multiple persons walking by. Shoes of all kinds of variations moved in motions, except for one. Flat sandals, dark in colour, in front of her. He wasn't leaving. Why wasn't he leaving? Could it be that he was— Was he going to—

“Kana-chan? Are you okay? You can stand up now,” Memcho whispered beside her, worry laced in her voice.

Kana blinked and those sandals were gone. She snapped her head up and was met by the other with her eyebrows furrowed.

“Oh, right, sorry,” Kana cleared her throat awkwardly, trying to act like nothing happened. It's better if she doesn't think too much about it. “Uhm, anyway, Mem– Before we go, do you think I should go back home and change out of my uniform really quickly? It-It’d be pretty weird if I'm wearing a school uniform on a Saturday…”

Memcho was quiet as she stared at her face, as if inspecting any flaws in her expression. Turquoise orbs crossed crimson ones that pleaded for the other to spare the pushing. Not today , Kana implored through her gaze.

Fortunately, the other seemed to get the memo as she immediately – almost reluctantly – shifted her countenance from a solemn one to a more happy-looking one. Well, as happy as she managed to display beyond the ever-growing concern deep inside. The redhead was eternally grateful to her friend.

“Hum, well, it's actually fine if you don't because schoolgirl vibes are an aesthetic in Japan..! Unless you want to, then I can accompany and wait for you,” Memcho replied leisurely.

Guilt bloomed unbidden and weighed the redhead down. Kana couldn't bother Mem to go the extra mile for her, not when she could go by herself. Not to mention letting her wait unnecessarily just because she wanted to change, the others at the agency as well! No, she couldn't burden them any further. Conversely, if she took a peek at the bright side, wearing a school uniform wouldn't be such a bad idea. In fact, Kana would feel a lot safer if she's dressed as a student under the protection of her school.

“Yeah, you’re right. Let's go now, Mem.”

Thus, the two walked the opposite way of the street to get to the agency, away from the scene. Kana took one last glance at the empty sidewalk where people began to gather once more. Another truck passed by. And she missed her chance.

 

***

 

“Ooh, I can't wait to eat ‘Sugary Powdered Truffles Delight’!” exclaimed Ruby with excitement. With emphasis in excitement, the girl was practically skipping down the stairs all the while continuing to fervently speak up on a certain dessert in the cafe that she found out about when scrolling through social media. Kana watched fondly as long blonde hair flew in waves, following the other’s wild movements. Ruby had always been so bubbly and vigorous, the redhead mused as she cracked a small smile.

“Wait, why isn't Aqu-tan coming along?” and Mem, as she asked. Always the one who's considerate of everyone and making sure none is left behind. The base that supports the scales; the centre that keeps things balanced; a peacemaker, that she is.

“Oh, him. You know how he is,” Miyako replied, her tone somewhat deep and almost sounded like a grumble as she added, “a stubborn little brat as always…”

The older woman wrapped her arms around to touch both her elbows as she bit her lip. There was disappointment written all over her face, Kana recognised it. It was plain as day the fact that Miyako was upset about something, or someone, to be precise. Could it be that she was on bad terms with her own son?

Promptly, a past memory resurfaced inside her mind and she remembered her last interaction with Aqua on that day she passed out on recording. She remembered the way his face was shrouded in a dark shadow, the way he easily towered over her with his height and how she ran, how she thought he was a monster — placing him in the same category as those who had violated her. Aqua must've seen the fear in her eyes, she hadn't managed to disguise it in her moment of panic. Perhaps her overreaction caused him to avoid her once more. Perhaps even more than before as he even stopped walking to school together(somewhat) with her and Ruby since.

Kana glimpsed at Miyako's expression once more, the fury remained present in the alluring curves of her face. The girl wondered if it was her fault again; that if she had actually refused their invitation, Aqua would've been the one to spend time with their agency instead.

An eye contact with Miyako interrupted her line of thought and Kana hastily looked away. What kind of expression had she made, the redhead thought anxiously, and had the other noticed the guilt painting her face?

Miyako cleared her throat. “Well… Nevermind that, now we have a girls’ day out! Let's just enjoy ourselves, why don't we?”

The other two cheered and reveled in the idea. As Kana gazed at them, they looked so happy and devoid of worries in this world full of pain. Kana both adored and envied them, but mostly grateful. They were the ones who had given her strength to keep going, to stand up even when she couldn't. They were the only light at the end of the tunnel for her, especially on that fateful night.

 

No, she couldn't do this to her agency, friends — family. It was cruel of her to do so after everything they've done for her, even just being by her side was enough. Kana would be the worst human on earth to have lived if she's ever done something similar, and she'll never forgive herself for it.

 

And she'd do anything to keep their light from snuffing out, anything to repay their kindness. Unconsciously, Kana scratched at her sleeves, her arms feeling oddly itchy. She'd even give her life, Kana mused, for the sake of those who had given her something to look forward to.

 

***

 

The streets were quite busy around the area to the cafe. A lot of people must've had the same idea as the four of them today. Most likely as the result of today being a Saturday, a nationwide break day off school and work. Well, generally in most cases. So everybody was probably looking to have a ball before falling back into the flow of stressful labour.

And there the four were, fitting in narrow spaces and searching for a straight path as they made their way through dense crowds — trying their best not to lose each other to the mass. Kana couldn't help every wince that came with every accidental contact she made with other bodies. She's always been such a short individual but she didn't expect everyone to be so tall; the girl could barely see the blinding bright sky beyond countless heads. Kana gasped for air. She was finding it hard to breathe.

Unfortunately, driving wasn't an option. Cars were almost as many as the people there and traffic was, to sugarcoat it, hell. Drivers were attempting to fit in themselves. Patience for some, or maybe more, were clearly not their strong suit. Empty parking spots were almost considered a luxury there.

Still, Kana doesn't know why, but she couldn't shake off the feeling of being watched for some reason. There were many eyes here so it was natural for people to catch glimpses of someone else once in a while, especially when the road was so compacted like this. Yet her gut was screaming at her, telling her that someone there had a hawk’s eye over her and even went as far as to say that they were tailing closely behind her. However, she's already made up her mind. Kana would never listen to this ‘guardian’ who had failed to save her the last time.

 

Where was this guardian that rainy night? Where was it, when she had stepped into that dingy and hellhole of an alleyway? No, even before that. Where was it when she was on her way to approach her friend who was drenched in the rain and hunched over on the bench, and why hadn't it told her that it was a bad idea to be comforting him; that he would possibly attack her and that she'd be further going down into the depths of hell?

 

Fuck the guardian. This guardian could drop dead for all she cared, considering it itself had left her to die first.

Soon, they'd reach the traffic light and stop among the rest. It was calm then, as everyone halted from moving around and occupied themselves with their smartphones or conversed with one another as they all waited for their cue to cross the street. Miyako was the former whilst Ruby and Memcho were the latter. Kana briefly heard their conversation, a part two of Ruby’s unalterable dessert choice with Mem adding some of her opinions. Kana didn't bother to join, she didn't have much to say on the matter anyway. The redhead could also hear other citizens’ discussions but she shuts them out, it was known as unethical to be eavesdropping onto businesses that weren't yours.

Thus, she simply stared ahead and lost herself in her own thoughts, with her background being white noise. Kana wasn't thinking of anything in particular, she was basically just spacing out to be honest. The pills might've been wearing down already. It's been so quick to dissipate these days, even when she's already taken two or even three. Maybe she should've swallowed four, Kana considered, and she knew her psychiatrist had advised her to only consume three at maximum quantity a day but it was only one more. Plus, she needed it, she knew she couldn't live without them. Lost in her own thoughts, she paid no further heed to the world around her.

If someone had unconsciously dropped their belongings, she didn't notice. If there was a baby crying loudly, she didn't notice. And if someone stepped up beside her, she didn't notice.

Kana was safe inside her inane mind, where ideas ceased to spark and only nothingness awaited. Safe, she thought.

It was vague at first, then she felt it. Something rough and calloused gripping, grasping down below. Down below her left thigh. It was a hand– no, talon; the talon of a predator. She knew it when she felt it — claws holding tightly onto its prey, not planning to let their dinner go. Comprehension washed over her and she straightened her spine in alert. Someone was groping her! Instantaneously, the world which she had drowned out exploded with her senses. And it all became too much.

The ear-piercing noisy traffic, the loud incomprehensible jabbers of people, the airless space and especially the crude, uninvited touch upon her form. Words weren’t ever enough to describe how incredibly abashed and terrified she was in that moment. Kana was at a loss on what to do. Should she scream? Should she fight? Should she tell someone? All would merely lead to the destruction of her dignity and respect as a person as a whole in society. It wasn't simply just that, Kana was– scared. She was scared, scared, scared . It was happening to her all over again.

Before she could react, the hand steadily travelled upward, reaching her behind as her skirt was slightly lifted by their arm. Her breath hitched in her throat when the fingers slid inside her panties and pulled her soft cheek apart. Kana shuffled uncomfortably which went unnoticed by her assaulter.

Tears pricked her eyes and this was really reality, wasn't it? Having herself be violated once more in public with more than a hundred to watch and still as helpless as ever was she to stop it.

She looked down, unable to handle the humiliation, only to catch a glance of someone’s shoes. Flat sandals, dark in colour, beside her. It was that same man who had bumped into her earlier. Why- why had she met him again? And before she could think of answers, the intruding hand shifted positions to in between her thighs and hungrily squeezed at the sensitive skin, dangerously nearing her clothed cunt.

Kana flinched sharply in response, and she tried clenching her legs shut. A desperate attempt to keep the hand from advancing to its goal, which bore fruitless as it remained pervertedly steadfast.

Then she remembered the memories of that wretched night, and she learned an important lesson. Perhaps if she stopped struggling and making it difficult, they would leave her alone sooner.

 

By that time, she had already gotten quite loose and they seemed pretty spent. But what exactly prompted them to end it off, was the mere lack of struggle; the fighting spirit that she had lost just before reaching the finish line. They solely got bored over time, that was it. After what felt like years, they ultimately ceased their abuse and left just like that, leaving the poor girl broken and laid curled up on the cold, filthy dirt. She could only regret not giving up sooner.

 

As a last resort of salvation, the girl tried to ignore it, listening in on Ruby and Mem’s conversation instead. Waiting for the feeling to eventually pass as soon as the owner of the hand stultified so the four could move on with their exciting plan for today. Kana tried her best to focus on their words but the tension impeded her mind from registering a single coherent sentence. Stop opposing, she gritted her teeth and dug her nails into her palms, aiming to scar and bleed — but each second made it harder to endure.

The hand resorted to pushing; pushing against her weak excuse of resistance but rather as a tease than an actual endeavour. Kana knew it in her very soul that her assaulter could effortlessly win against the puny girl and take what they wanted but they were playing — as similar as a hunter picking at their food alive. Her entire body trembled. It was cruel.

Why was this all happening to her? What horrible act had she done? What terrible sin had she committed to warrant such punishment? And why did it have to be so disgusting and mortifying like this? Why couldn't her punishment had been death instead, something she'd rather receive than this chasten torture?

Maybe she should've never agreed to go. Kana didn't want to be here anymore. She wanted to go home.

 

Abruptly, the feeling was gone. And what followed, puzzled shouts which only lasted for mere seconds.

“Just what do you think you're doing?” a voice spoke behind her on cue the silence, tone deep and slow; intimidating. Emphasising word for word as if to assist a person who's deaf in understanding the message sent across.

The people she could see surrounding her had now completely turned the opposite direction of the street and Kana almost thought that they were all looking at her with the way the people in front were looking back. However, she quickly realised that they were staring not at her, but behind her; where the former voice had sounded out. Even Ruby and Memcho were facing the other way.

Following the herd, Kana spun around with growing dread in the pit of her stomach and what she saw next made her blood run cold.

Miyako, pinning a man to the ground in the centre of a circle the crowd had made. It was the man from earlier, she was right as she finally saw his face. His giant form now seemed smaller as Miyako stood over him, twisting his arm behind his back. Kana had never seen the woman so enraged before. Or, strong enough to be able to hold a grown man down, for that matter. The guy cursed as he wriggled like a worm against her death grip.

“D-don’t blame me! She didn't even try to fight back. That girl obviously liked being groped—”

“I dare you to repeat that,” Miyako snarled, pushing his arm deeper down with pressure, promising to break a bone or two; a warning.

The man had a look of trepidation after the woman spoke and it would make anybody think that he would exercise caution and give in. But then, he displayed a challenging expression — a look that screamed trouble. “Hah...Yeah?” he began with wheezes, his voice shaking as if hesitant but his subsequent words were as clear as he was confident. “I said that slut fucking liked it, asshole!”

A dull thud resounded in the crowded space and gasps from the bystanders ensued. Miyako had given him a mean punch to the face, her body shivering as ire flowed through her veins. Yet, the impact didn't prompt him to stop but rather, made him continue to throw every profanity under the sun and degrading remarks towards Kana. His inappropriate behaviour only earned him more strikes from the woman holding him down and Miyako pummeled mercilessly against the man — some bystanders had even stepped in to halt her aggression. The obscene language spitting from his mouth along with the brutal scene was witnessed by almost everyone which gave rise to a multitude of whispers.

All these noises swirled all around her head and she could feel her skull cracking, splitting into two. Worried questions and comforting reassurances from her two friends each standing by her side were blended in with the rest and went completely over her head.

Kana couldn't take it anymore, her knees wobbled, it was too much. The girl dropped to her knees in despair as the chaos she created dragged on before her eyes.

 

***

 

Not long after, the police arrived on the scene and successfully arrested the man on the claim of sexually assaulting a minor and disturbing the peace. It was thanks to not only Miyako but multiple people who stepped up as witnesses. Alas, not one of them should be getting credit as they themselves admitted to seeing the crime in action yet refused to do anything about it until the brave woman did what they couldn't. The worst part was that they blamed the victim instead for their own incompetence, making excuses and wild criticisms against the girl when questioned. Just so they could save their own shameless faces. But when Kana should've been angry at this information like anyone else would, she only agreed to their professes.

It was her fault that this happened, not anyone else's. She's come to naturally accept it, as if she's been taught it was true her whole life.

Kana sat on a bench near the scene, arms wrapped around herself as she hung her head low. While Miyako was called for a brief questioning, Ruby and Memcho were by her side keeping her company and one of them was rubbing soothing circles on her back — she didn't know which of the two as she was too ashamed to even show her face to them. Both of them were saying something to her but she unintentionally blocked them out, hearing only the gossip of people who thought Kana couldn't hear them.

“Man, how dramatic. So obnoxious,” one exasperated.

“Who told her to keep quiet? She probably enjoyed it herself,” another from the other direction uttered.

Then another, their voice full of resentment. “My day is ruined, and it's all because of her..!”

She wished the earth would swallow her up and erase any trace of her existence. Everywhere she went, she brought misfortune. No wonder people hated her so badly. At least her lifeless corpse would give the slightest benefit to the soil once she's buried. Kana almost thought it was raining as she watched drops of water fall onto her lap, darkening her grey skirt in specks.

“Why is she crying so much? Shouldn't she be glad that something like this happened to her? It means she's got a pretty enough face,” someone sneered.

That peculiar comment triggered a memory, and Kana was thrown back to the past. To the past when she was still a young actress, not more than 5 or 6 years old. Little Kana was fighting tooth and nail to get acting jobs while at the same time trying to please directors and producers so they could consider her. At first, all she was tasked with was to fetch things like documents, coffee, et cetera, or even cleaning up after the staff — all without asking for payment in favour of her labour.

Then, one day, she met a producer who seemed to have gained an interest in Kana so of course, her strategy was to retain that curiosity and better yet, accumulate attraction. Thus, she began helping him with whatever he needed and entertained him whenever he pulled her in for a chat. It was mostly inane and Kana simply pretended to be engrossed in their conversations when she really wasn't, just so she could be on the good side of the higher ups. Just so she could satisfy her mother. And with every day that passed, Kana noticed that she and the producer had been growing closer and he seemed more and more inclined towards her. The little girl really thought that her efforts finally paid off and a sliver of hope bloomed in her chest, thinking that she might even have a chance with the others if she kept going like this.

Until, out of nowhere, the producer became.. too close; too casual , to put it another way. Like a naive little girl, Kana didn't think too much about it and restrained herself from lashing out just because she was uncomfortable. Although, when that producer had taken it too far — brushing her small thighs with his giant hands, patting her head in a strange, predatory way and to the point of attempting to kiss her — it was then that she knew he had awful intentions. A bad man. That was when Kana swiftly fled in a panic and cut all ties with him without a second thought.

As a child who was still oblivious to the world of dangers, experiencing an incident so terrifying and different than any of her encounters with adults so far shocked her to the core. Kana, at that time, thought she had known everything there was to the monochromatic world of adulthood but oh, was she humbled. In a state of perturb, the little girl had run to her mother's arms — informing the woman of the attempt done by the bad man.

However, instead of words of assurances and a wing to protect herself under, her mother grinned a wicked grin. One that reminded her of the Grinch in one of those Christmas pictured storybooks she's read before.

“That’s a good thing! It means you're cute enough, Kana-chan. You should be doing whatever you're doing to get more jobs.”

The little girl was speechless as she blankly stared up at her mother in disbelief. The woman hadn't seemed concerned at all, in fact, she looked as happy as a diabolical lark. Crimson orbs traced the upturned line of the other’s lips and wasn't it her goal? So why did she find it so wrong?

“Don’t disappoint me, okay?”

In the end, she did. Her inner doubts got the better of her as she refused to seek a relationship that wasn’t strictly for business with any of the crews; keeping her distance. Thinking back on it now, perhaps that was one of the factors of her dying career and Kana wondered, should she have let that producer have his way with her back then? A small price to pay for a better future where she strives as an actress and wins the hearts of society as well as her beloved family? A small price that was her otherwise worthless body?

Kana didn't know what was right anymore.

God, she wanted her mom with her right now. Because who else could she confide in than the one who had given her this hell she calls life? A loud sob jolted her shoulders all of a sudden as her mother came to mind.

“Kana-chan..,” a gentle voice full of worry called out, yet she didn't raise her head to look.

Ah , Kana had forgotten about them, hadn't she? How dare she, when she was the one who had ruined their plan. She was the cause of the trouble they're going through. If it weren't for her, the three of them would've joyfully spent their precious time having fun at the cafe. But now, as she noticed the tall shadow of their silhouettes on the ground, it was too late and the registration Miyako had booked was most likely expired by then. Kana was such a hefty burden to them all.

“Why didn't you fight back? Or, at least tell us anything?” Memcho pushed softly, searching for answers from the redhead who was short of one herself.

The two had looked so excited to go, especially Ruby. She could tell from their bouncy movements and high-pitched tones as they talked about the variety of menus they wanted to try there. Then Kana had foolishly taken the joy away from them.

She was horrible.

“It’s so unlike you… We would've- we would've beaten that guy up too! We would’ve done something sooner if you had—”

Wet apologies abruptly spilled from her lips and she could taste her own tears when some trickled in her mouth. Sobs and hiccups escaped her, jumbling up her repeating words into something that sounded ultimately inaudible and painfully pathetic.

“S-sorry… I’m sorry— I-I'm sorry…”

Her palms were damp as it rubbed at her eyes that may as well have a broken faucet behind them. Kana was well aware that she must be putting the two in an awkward situation with her crying but she can't seem to stop.

What happened to the girl who could cry in ten seconds? Who allowed the tears to flow when and if she demanded it than to let it demand her? Where had she gone as of late? Would she ever come back to save Kana from this humility?

Kana almost hadn't heard it through her weeping but someone approached them and spoke in a voice that she could only recognise as one belonging to Miyako. “You don't have anything to apologise for, Kana-chan. So stop it, please,” she said, near pleading.

But what was the woman saying, Kana wanted to scream, couldn't she see?

The girl had disrupted the peace in the area, inconveniencing everyone. Moreover, people who had plans were forced to delay due to the commotion surrounding her issue. They themselves, for instance. Miyako was affected the most when she fought in vain for her. When this could've been avoided if she had just stayed home, she was stupid and selfish to join the group she didn't even fit into. Plus, there were many more she could list — and her whole life wouldn't fit into the answer sheet. She should've been the one to get arrested. Hell, Miyako should've hit her instead. She wouldn't even blame the woman if she had accidentally(or even purposely) killed her in the process.

She deserved to die for her sins.

“I-it’s my– my fault– I’m… I’m so—”

“Kana– Kana-chan. Dear. Look at me, please.”

Hands reached up onto her tear-stricken face — and she would've flinched and thought of hands that resembled talons which served to hurt and break but they were different — with such tenderness she's not recalled ever experienced before. Not even from her own mother during the happiest times.

These warm hands settled on her cheeks and lightly coaxed her to lift her head up. Kana obeyed and was met by a bright light. Only realising later after she blinked away the beads from her eyes that the aforementioned bright light was the face of Miyako illuminated by the afternoon sunshine. She had a solemn yet soft look as she held eye contact with her.

“Do not blame yourself. This was entirely out of your control and the one in the wrong here is anyone but you, do you hear me?”

Miyako's assertive demeanour caught the girl off guard. Comforting hands offered a barrier to shield her from the outside world, averting her attention to focus only between themselves. And for a brief moment, Kana felt safe and secure. She really thought that everything was going to be alright with individuals as kind as her agency by her side. Then the girl raised both her hands to hold the ones caressing her face and felt the harsh texture of knuckles which were out of place in comparison to the rest of the woman's smooth skin.

Kana’s bleeding heart dropped to her feet as she perceived the fact that Miyako had hurt herself in the brawl against her assaulter. Something the girl provoked. Something she should've dealt with alone.

And Kana noticed it now. Behind that look of assurance, there was clear exhaustion draining the colour from her face. The sunlight had hidden away those crucial bits of creases to trick her. Blind her from the truth.

She was hurting them.

Why was she like this?

No, it was her fault, through and through. Miyako just didn't know, didn't understand and Kana hoped she or anyone else never will. If they had known, they would've blamed her, too. They would've thought she was disgusting and abandoned her like the rest. A just and suitable punishment for someone like Kana.

She couldn't bother them anymore, she couldn't. So she nodded and pulled her lips into an upward curl. A lie; as white as it was necessary. Kana was relieved when she saw Miyako returning the smile, seeming to have believed her. Yet her guilt only grew.

 

***

 

“Look at what she wears, it's too showy…” the whispers continued as they made their way home, without sparing any ounce of mercy. “Dressing all cute like that, she might as well be asking for it.”

Kana stared an empty gaze at the heap of clothes left disregarded in the corner of the bathroom.

It was a sweater underneath a coat. It was quite a long coat, adorned with a longer skirt. It was some leggings and a pair of boots. It was a plain beret. Most of her body was obscured and her figure reshaped by the large size of the coat.

Too much.

Too revealing.

Too erotic .

Or perhaps it was how she acted. How she took off somewhere she wasn't familiar with instead of taking a safer way.

She was obviously asking for it.

The girl’s whole frame trembled as blood poured out from a deep gash on her wrist which was inflicted out of frustration. It was smeared everywhere; looking like a crime scene.

Was it her countenance?

Kana felt dizzy.

Where had she placed her medication again?

Kana wanted to tear her own face off.

 

That night, another pair of clothes were thrown in the corner of her bathroom, forming a pile along with the other one, disgraced and never to be worn again.

A simple fucking school uniform.

Perhaps school wasn't really such a safe place after all.

Notes:

As always, thank you so much for reading! Be sure to leave kudos and comments, it would really help a lot. Just spam whatever you want down there lmao (as long as it follows ToS of course ^^)

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of Another Chance At Love